#this is half a joke just for the monty python reference

[cybershock24601]

Decided to make my Creepy Crypt Baby Ingellvar a spirit of Liberty solely so I can have her and Solas play out the "help! help! I'm being repressed!" scene from Monty Python.

Solas: What makes you qualified to lead?

Rook: I'm not the leader. No one is.

Solas: What.

Rook: We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

Solas: Yes.

Rook: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.

Solas: Yes, I see.

Rook: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-

Solas: Be quiet!

Rook: -but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-

Solas: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

Rook: Order!? Who do you think you are?

Solas: I am the Dread Wolf!

Rook: Well, I didn't vote for you.

and then things devolve from there until we get to the point of Rook going "Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!" because I just feel Spirit of Liberty Rook poking holes in Solas' pride and image he has built for himself as a great liberator by being a very dedicated anarchist would be pretty funny.

[tods-void]

Breaking fictional canon isn't inherently bad actually

Gonna write something out that's been on my mind ever since I watched a let's play of Fallout New California. For those that don't know about it, it's a prequel mod for New Vegas. It's mostly pretty good, starts off great, some of the companion characters are uhhh... let's just say they have a faint stink of "my precious OC" if that makes sense. The story itself is for the most part interesting tho near the end it goes into some Mary Sue crossfic bullshit that might turn some people off and turned me off at first. But after watching that playthrough, there was one small part that made me reconsider my opinion of the ending, as well as what canon means for a piece of fiction.

=SPOILERS FOR FALLOUT: NEW CALIFORNIA AND FALLOUT IN GENERAL=

So the story's big reveal at the end is that the area you play in is what will become the Divide in New Vegas and you are the Courier. And the story is about a top secret government experiment using some pre-war symbiotic organism discovered in the Marianas Trench (i think?) that makes you basically immortal. You're immune to disease, radiation, don't age, can only be killed by taking a nuke to the face, that sort of shit. And you're the child of a super mutant who somehow figured out a way to not be sterile anymore. Oh, and you're also genetically a clone of the Vault Dweller from Fallout 1.

Now I know what you might be thinking: this sounds so fucking dumb, it breaks canon in half, all in an effort to canonically explain why the game's protagonist can do the ridiculous shit they do, like surviving a headshot at point blank, not needing food, water or sleep, getting stronger ridiculously fast (i.e. leveling up) and tanking damage that would drop a normal person if not outright vaporise them. And overall it turns both your character, the Courier and the Vault Dweller from opportune shmucks whose accomplishments were a mix of skill, perseverance and luck, into deity-like figures whose accomplishments were genetically predestined or whatever.

And yes, all this is true.

BUT!

Hear me out: in the mod when you are faced with that revelation as the character, there's a Wild Wasteland dialogue option which turns into a reference of the Vader/Luke confrontation from Empire Strikes Back where the antagonist that tells you all this breaks the 4th wall and goes "Damn your canon" and it's kinda cringy but also it made me laugh. It's honestly kind of funny. And it was the devs basically laying out their mission statement "Fuck canon, rule of cool, canon isn't a divine gospel to be followed". And I like that. I'm a long-time Fallout fan and the series as a whole has some great writing and worldbuilding but it has a lot of dumb shit in it as well. Dumb shit that was put in because the devs thought it'd be funny. No, it doesn't make sense that you find the TARDIS randomly in the desert or come across a weirdo in a robe guarding a bridge and asking you to solve 3 riddles to proceed or a group of BoS knights who are LARPing as medieval knights from Camelot (both being Monty Python and the Holy Grail references) or the cast of the original SW trilogy chilling around a campfire or a fourth wall breaking cafe where characters from Fallout 1 are hanging out and talking like actors discussing their roles off set. But it's the exact kind of dumb shit as the revelation in New California.

There's more tho. If it was just funny, sure, it made me laugh but it would still be bad writing. A decent joke at the expense of the writing wouldn't negate that. I'm someone who hates Fallout 3's story and worldbuilding for shoehorning in super mutants, the Enclave and the Brotherhood of Steel just because they're "iconic" to the Fallout setting and barely giving them the justification to be there. Super mutants?

"Oh, there was a vault experimenting with FEV."

On the other side of the country. Meaning that the entire plot and worldbuilding of Fallout 1 went from something unique with long-lasting consequences for the entire Wasteland to a cheap threat you can find anywhere from Alaska to Florida.

Why are all the mutants stupid brutish savage cannibals that scream at you and keep human remains in literal gore bags?

"Uhhh... there's one super mutant who's smart, friendly and will join you as a companion."

Why's the Enclave here? They were destroyed in Fallout 2. They were literally nuked out of existence. What few of them remained off the oil rig would not have had the resources or manpower to A) mount an expedition across the continent and B) present as big of a fighting force and threat as they do.

"*cricket noises*"

Why are the BoS here? They were isolationist pseudoreligious weirdos who were almost wiped out by the Enclave. How the fuck did they get here and why are they the default good guys now?

"*vaguely gestures at internal schism*"

Okay to be fair, there is a tiny bit more justification for how and why the BoS are there and the way they are.

Why are there fucking deathclaws in Washington DC?

"*radio silence*"

You get the picture, you know the song and dance. Hbomberguy made all these criticisms and more years ago.

So why do I shit on these retcons for feeling cheap and cynical on top of ruining established canon but the bullshit in New California doesn't feel as bad?

Well, I have a lot of love for Fallout but I've also embraced the reality that Bethesda doesn't give a shit about the lore or art of the series, or the labor of its original creators, and will shoehorn in whatever they need in order to churn out a marketable inoffensive product. I have no faith that they can make anything as even remotely good as New Vegas or as stupidly sincere and sincerely stupid as The Frontier or, to a much lesser extent, New California. I don't need Fallout to be gravely serious or follow strict canon and relative realism (although that would be nice), what I want most is to experience something that makes me feel, something that was made by people who wanted to make it, who had genuine love and passion for what they were making, and the source material they were drawing from. Does it matter if it's fanfiction? Not really. Fallout London is technically fanfiction and it's one of the best Fallout games I've played. It's also the queerest Fallout game I've ever played and as a filthy queer, that matters a lot to me. (You can join a faction of punk anarchists who are actual political anarchists and not just the pop-culture bastardisation of what anarchism is. Play it, it's great). All this to say that merely breaking the canon of a piece of fiction doesn't have to be inherently bad. It matters who does the retcon, how and why. Even moreso if the creators have the balls to say "we know it breaks canon, we don't care, we just want to do it".

(Also should go without saying that retcons made out of bigotry are pathetic and "creators" who do that should be sealed in a vault with a panther)

[knowlesian]

true story: i like saying did the Weird Vore so much because it implies that i think there’s at least Less Weird Vore, if not Normal Vore

and i will just never clarify how true that is if at all because leaving it there is fucking hilarious to me

[kaepop-trash]

Omg I finally found someone who writes about johnny and writes stories exactly how i imagine them to be with him. 😩😩🥺

Would you write something like him and you playing catch me or so and y/n gets like so excited when she is running away from him and so.....🙄

I'm glad he lives upto your idea of what Johnny could be. The least he can do while wrecking my one and only bias spot.

I'm sorry for making majorly outdated reference. These are getting increasingly elaborate for being miscellaneous moments with pre-establised characters and that is on me and nobody else. Am I maybe in love with this Johnny? Yes. Am I maybe in love with him period? We'll see.

I hope you like this.

_

Johnny realised that she woke up the moment the covers moved, stirring and turning to face him. He bit his cheek.

"What time is it?" She groaned as Johnny slid into bed.

"A little after one, I'm sorry I woke you up." He whispered as his head fell on the pillow.

She gave him a sleepy smile, eyes still closed. "How was the meeting?" She questioned.

"Great, I landed it." He shifted, wrapping his arms around her. "They'll give me the promotion."

She turned over, burying her face into his neck with a sigh "That's great, baby. I'm so proud of you." She hummed, praising him despite being half asleep.

He smiled, his heart fluttering at the words. He reached up to run his hand through her hair, careful not to loosen her ponytail.

"Thank you." The words fell short of expressing how much her words meant to him. "I love you." He added, his voice softer.

She hummed, kissing his jaw— the gesture sloppy from sleep. He didn't mind one bit.

"You too, Johnny." She whispered, her sleep slowly taking over.

He kissed her hair as her breathing evened out, "Good night." He whispered, the soft smile staying on his face till sleep took over him too.

_

Johnny walked into their bedroom a little past noon, frowning at her. She looked up above the rim of her glasses as he entered, still in bed in her pajamas.

"You're still in bed?" He raised a brow.

"I have left the bed." She raised her brow back, the expression never failing to make his stomach churn, "I'm just back in again." She looked back down at whatever papers she had in her hand.

"Why?" He questioned, walking into the room.

She sighed, "Some papers to proofread and flag. I felt like doing it in bed." She sighed the second time, turning a page over.

Johnny hummed, "I'm going down to the gym. What do you want to do about lunch?" He asked as he went over to the wardrobe to pick out clothes for his work out.

"There is some food in the fridge. I'll reheat it and we can have that. I don't want it to go bad." She sounded distracted but listened anyway while she read through her papers. A habit he always found admirable.

"Okay. I'll see you in a while." He managed to slip into his clothes without her notice, biting down his disappointment at that.

_

When Johnny came back, she was sitting at the kitchen counter with the papers still in her hand.

Johnny sighed, "Is it urgent?" He questioned, leaning over to make sense of what she was doing.

"No." Her eyes remained glued on the pages, "I just want to finish it so I have my Sunday free at least." She squinted at something on the page.

Johnny shook his head with a laugh, leaning over to give her a kiss on the temple.

She raised a finger to stop him before he reached, "I just took a shower, Johnny. You're sweaty." She didn't look up, so he couldn't even give her a pout.

"Cruel." He mumbled.

She cracked a smile, turning to look at him. "Filthy." She retorted with a snort, turning back just as he grinned.

"It's your favourite thing about me." He whispered, inching his hands further to land on her waist.

She bolted out of the high chair and turned to him with a glare. "I told you you're sweaty!" She whined.

Johnny grinned, "Weren't you the one who said that I'm irresistible after a workout?" He licked his bottom lick, "Getting sick of me already?" He joked, voice devious.

She snorted, backing away when he moved forward. "What do you mean 'weren't you the one'? Lots of people in your life telling you these things, Johnny Suh? Maybe you're the one getting sick of me." He smiled playfully.

"Come here and I'll show you."

No. Take a shower first." She pointed to their room. She walked around the couch in their living room, familiar with the space enough by now to navigate it without looking.

"You'll need one too after I'm done with you, you wretched girl." He moved around the couch with her, enjoying the sudden game they were playing far too much.

"My favourite title." She gloated, "I plan to live up to it today. Go shower and let me get back to work. You're an equity partner now, you can be your own boss." She pointed a finger at him, "I still have to listen to mine." She bit her smile.

Johnny put a hand on his hip, "Uncalled for." He gave her a playful glare, "My promotion has nothing to do with this. Other than that I still haven't had a chance to celebrate the only way I want to right now." He took a large step to the left of the couch, his long legs making the move significant. But she was more nimble, moving away quickly to the right with a giggle and remaining firmly opposite him with the couch in between.

"Why don't we really celebrate? I'll go buy that wine you really like and we can go eat at park avenue." She teased him.

"Or you can just come to bed with me. I need to make sure you're not bored of me already."

She stopped moving for a second, "I am never getting bored of you." She said earnestly.

"Never?" Johnny questioned, her words making his eyes glimmer. She shook her head at him. "Not even when I force you to wake up for a run in the morning?" He raised a playful brow.

She took a frustrated breath, "Yeah actually I take that back. You also made me walk from Chinatown to Chelsea." She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You're a sadist." She frowned.

He inched closer and she escaped just in time, laughing as she ran towards their shared bedroom. He caught on easily this time, grabbing her by the waist and turning her around, pulling her into his chest.

She whined between her laughs, "Now I'm all dirty too."

He hummed, brushing his lips against her forehead. "I wouldn't have you any other way." He murmured against her skin.

She sighed, melting into his touch. "Pervert." She whispered. He smacked her ass lightly and she laughed breathlessly, lifting her head to brush her nose against his. "See what I mean?" She grinned, winching with a laugh when he did it a little harder this time.

"Bed." He groaned, "Or I'm just going to pin you to the wall." He warned.

She hummed, "I'm not adverse to that idea." She brushed her lips over his lightly then moved it across his cheek.

He wrapped his fingers on the back of her neck and bought her lips back to his, kissing her with eager licks. He guided her steps till her back hit the wall, pulling back only to untie his sweats.

"Don't be in a mood later when your legs are cramped." He warned, looping his fingers into her shorts and pulling them down after his.

"You're already planning on making me sore and I'm supposed to be okay with it?" She questioned, stepping out of her pants with her eyes on him.

"I offered the bed." He countered, tugging at his t-shirt from his back and yanking it off with a swift tug.

"As if that was going to make me any less sore with that inside me." She pointed at his dick. "You used to be so restrained." She clicked her tongue.

Johnny laughed, hands reaching up to undo the buttons of her pajamas shirt. "Don't speak about Monty like that." He tried to bite back a smile.

She dragged her eyes back to him, "Did you just call your penis, Monty?" Johnny nodded. She squeezed her eyes, sucking in a breath and bracing herself.

She opened them with reluctance, "Like, a python?" She questioned. Johnny gave her a proud grin, confirming her worst fear. "I'm breaking up with you." She groaned.

He smirked, "Harsh." He dragged the collar down of her shirt down and leaned down to kiss her clavicle. "I have to admit, I love watching you stumble around sometimes." He mumbled into her neck, "Absolutely wrecked because of me." He licked her neck, making her gasp. "I'll miss that if you leave."

"You know what I miss?" She moved her head to expose her neck to him further, "I miss the first few months we were dating. When you were always soft and gentle. Trying to be all in control of yourself." She deepened her voice to sound more masculine, laughing breathlessly at her own effort.

Johnny chuckled against her jaw, "Do you?"

"Yes." She didn't sound serious.

Johnny pulled away, eyes sparking when he saw the passing disappointment in hers. "So what about when you're demanding me to go harder? Or you're begging me to ruin you?" He raised a brow, quoting things she had very much said before.

She bit her lip, he smiled.

"So you're saying," He paused, watching his finger as he traced it up from her belly button to her lips, pulling the lower one out from between her teeth. "That I shouldn't fuck you into the wall?" He cocked his head, feigning innocence.

He let her take the moments she used to come up with her excuse. "You can't go back now, Johnny Suh. Now I'm hooked on it, the way you snap your hips into mine. You did this." She looked at him through a hooded gaze, eyes blown out.

It was his turn to bite his lips, coming closer till their skin touched.

"Very well," He sighed with mock defeat, looking up to give her a devious look, "You're my boss after all."

"Where's my equity?" She mumbled, making Johnny laugh with the deep throaty voice he got when he was impossibly aroused. He gave her an affectionate smile, one she returned with equal love.

"Jump." He ordered.

She wrapped her legs around him, being held up by his arms on her ass and her hold on his hips.

His eyes melted for a second, something making him think. He looked up at her, "Don't get sick of me." He told her.

She gave him a lost expression, the words having no purchase when she was naked and being held against a wall by him. "So clingy." She licked her lips.

"You did that."

She grinned, resting her head on the wall with a content sigh, "Not even when you make me walk across the Brooklyn bridge." She promised. Johnny kissed her forehead, both their smiles faltering when he entered her swiftly, soft grunts leaving them both.

As he slowly picked up pace, her hands tried to find a grip everywhere before coming back to his shoulders.

"God." She groaned, unfettered. "You drive me crazy, you know that?" Her words tied into his tongue as he wrapped her lips in a kiss. She clenched around him, making his breath stutter as he drew back just enough to keep his lips against hers. "Absolutely fucking insane." She repeated, eyes screwed shut. He closed the non-existent gap and bit down on her tongue, her whine making him twitch deep inside her. Her words felt ironic when he was sure he hadn't felt sanity since that summer they met.

He pulled back to put his forehead on hers, eyes searching her face.

"Everytime I think." He spoke through clenched teeth, pausing to groan as he pulled out. "That I can't love you anymore than I already do." He sighed, wrapping his arms around her thighs with more security, lifting her hips and sliding back into her. The angle made her cry out. "I find myself pleasantly surprised." He kissed her eyelid.

A particularly sharp thrust made them both gasp. Johnny watched her parted lips and furrowed face, "What do I do?" He pulled out and slammed back in, making her moan. "What do with all this love in me for you?" Johnny shuddered, realising with a start that he came without realising.

He increased his pace, reaching down to massage her clit to bring her to her own high. She dropped her head onto his shoulders with a moan, a string of curses leaving her open mouth.

Before he could let her back down, she pulled him in; kissing every inch of his face till he was giggling.

"I love you." She mumbled against his cheekbone, "So much." She kissed his nose, "Sometimes I think I'll burst with it." She kissed his temple. "You tell me what I should do about that." She kissed him.

Johnny laughed against her lips, the words making joy bubble to his throat. There was something he could think of, it was just a matter of when he would ask.

_

Send me an ask about a character from one of my fics in a scenario and I'll write a drabble.

Character from: Unintended Consequences

[benandstumpy]

REWATCH: "marooned/untamed world" (1x05)

you know, i initially forgot that s1 was only 6 22-minute episodes. i thought it had 8 episodes for some reason. anyways, we're getting to the tail end of things here.

i remember writing a novella for nanowrimo as an assignment in my junior year of high school and i'm pretty sure the idea for the storyline came from "marooned". iirc i even made a direct reference towards it in the epilogue. (instead of focusing on a duo i only had one named character in the story, though, which was a self-imposed challenge.)

but moving on to the episode itself, the idea of the united states still existing and apparently colonizing space in the year 400 billion is certainly something. assuming it makes it that far into the future, that's probably what it'll be doing, ngl.

behold: the skinny jeans experience

this episode is best-remembered for the unique environment and it's certainly earned. i haven't seen this episode in at least a couple of years, but a lot of this stuff is burned into my subconscious and is an aesthetic vibe. i haven't seen the film fantastic planet, even though i feel like it'd probably work as a point of comparison. a work i am more familiar with that it reminds me of, though, is the video game adaptation of i have no mouth and i must scream. gotta love psychedelic sci-fi hellscapes

[insert joke about how straight men draw female vs. male anthros here]

i like how these guys look. they aren't fully animated so the paintings are just kind of shuffled around on top of the cel backgrounds, which reminds me a little of monty python.

i find it interesting that the commander hoek & cadet stimpston episodes often have pretty bleak endings. i guess that's why stimpy refers to it as a drama in the opening.

moving on to "untamed world," the focus in this episode is definitely on the funky animal designs, which makes it a good match for the first half. both indulge in weirder settings and character designs. ren and stimpy themselves feel as if they're drawn with slightly more reserved expressions in this one, at least in most scenes; a lot of the focus is on the creatures that are based off of them, so i suppose that makes sense.

i think this yucky little salamander is my favorite of those. i have a soft spot for deep sea creatures and other animals that spend their entire lives in darkness. also, they remind me a bit of axolotls, except land-dwelling and with little satellite dishes in their heads.

the scrambling noise here is my favorite. i find that one of the most underrated aspects of this show is its sound design. sound design isn't a topic discussed very often in general, but this series has some of the best i've seen in a cartoon.

with all that out of the way, i'm really looking forward to the next episode. happy helmet time.

[bopinion]

2021 / 29

Aperçu of the Week:

"You can tell a person's character by the jokes he laughs at."

Alfred Biolek

Biolek is a veteran of German television. In the 1970s, he produced the most successful TV show, "Am laufenden Band," and then he was in front of the camera himself: first talking and hosting, later also cooking, in each case as the first (!) in his field. Thanks to him, people in this country know Monty Python and The Police, for example. A great man, a star without airs and graces, an innovator and cultural leader, a man who was never prejudiced, never unfair, always in a good mood, always interested, never superficial, always friendly, who stood by his homosexuality - at a time when it was still considered disreputable, not only in his industry. I had the privilege of meeting him almost 30 years ago, as we both shared a valuable experience as exchange students with AFS. Dr. Alfred Franz Maria Biolek died yesterday in Cologne at the age of 87. Rest in peace!

Bad News of the Week:

The fourth wave is coming. It's already there in the UK and Spain. In France and Italy, the values are still (reasonably) low, but the growth is rapid. Thanks to the delta mutant, formerly known as the Indian. Here, everyone is watching spellbound for the infamous "7-day incidence," which so far has been slow to increase. That's about to change. Especially because the longed-for herd immunity will remain a utopia - because immunization above 85% is impossible if all children and adolescents are not considered for vaccination. And more and more so-called skeptics refuse - whereby an obligation to vaccinate would be an immense encroachment on fundamental rights, the justification of which is difficult. But is there a fundamental right to ignorance? I'm torn apart...

What is currently taking place in the UK is a large-scale medical experiment. Not under expert supervision in a laboratory, but completely detached in public. All Corona protections such as mask wearing or social distancing have been completely removed. At a time when the incidence is approaching 500 - the highest since the all-time high in January. In our country, it's under 15, and we're worrying about how to organize the start of school after the summer vacations. And Boris Johnson basically says to that, "Why not now? When then?". Well, for example, when the vaccination campaign is more advanced and the numbers are lower. But he'll know what he's doing - even if it's irresponsible. Let's see how British voters will remember this decision in his upcoming re-election.

But this is not the only area where the British government lacks logic in Corona measures. A work colleague of mine is Irish and was supposed to visit his mother next week. But she lives in Northern Ireland. Since he already has full vaccination protection, he didn't expect any problems - and now he would have to spend ten days in a quarantine hotel without being allowed to see his mother. That's over 70% of his total two-week stay. The reasoning is remarkable: according to British regulations, he is considered unvaccinated because a vaccination in an EU country is not recognized. Although it is the same vaccine in the same dose in the same schedule. But the stamp in his vaccination certificate is just the wrong one.

Good News of the Week:

"Pragmatism and melancholy" is the Tagesschau's headline about Angela Merkel's last federal press conference - a kind of forum for free questions from journalists - as chancellor in Berlin. After all, she will not be running again in the federal elections in just under two months. It was therefore not surprising that, in addition to current political issues, many media representatives primarily took stock of Merkel's 16-year term in office. The financial and the euro crisis, nuclear and coal phase-out, the EU and China, Corona and digitization, and so on. Life without crises is easier, but when they are there, they have to be dealt with, Merkel replied to the question of whether she felt flattered by the title "crisis chancellor." After all, last week U.S. President Joe Biden, another old hand in world politics, had remarked that she would be missed.

In an interview today, climate activist Luisa Neubauer, the German face of "Fridays for Future," accuses Merkel of not tackling the climate crisis in the proactive manner that is her style in other crises. Although this one is by far the biggest and most urgent. One might add, even though Merkel was once environment minister. And seems to overlook two things: first, nuclear and coal phase-out ultimately serve climate protection. And secondly, there is no patent remedy, no reference, no example, no role model. Perhaps that's the point: who should be able to tackle the issue in a decisive way if not someone who is internationally acknowledged, respected across party lines, unpretentious and without any self-interest, scientifically sound, moderating and balancing, pragmatic and energetic? So who, if not Merkel?

Dr. Angela Dorothea Merkel turned 67 two weeks ago. Unlike Helmut Kohl - the other chancellor who ruled for what felt like an eternity of 16 years and ended up looking powerless and burnt out - it's hard to imagine Merkel going from one day to another just reading books and trying out potato salad recipes. And we have learned from the U.S. that the political zenith is apparently not reached until the age of 70+. And from demography we have learned that women live longer and are more efficient in old age than men. So: starting this fall, there will be an "elder stateswoman" in waiting on the world stage, who I personally would like to see again in every conceivable position. EU Council president, UN secretary general, pope, conductor, chef - I don't care. But give her something to do. She won't screw it up. Thank you, Mrs. Merkel, for providing a solid counterbalance to all the testosterone and alpha dog behavior in our nation, in Europe and a little bit in the whole world all these years. Of course, not all that glitters is gold, and even you haven't done everything right. But your taking stock is positive, and that's what remains at the end of the day.

Personal happy moment of the week:

I have never owned a purse. Probably because I never had enough money ;-) So coins always end up in a big box that the kids carry to the bank by the kilo on World Savings Day. And for bills, I had a plain money clip by Danish designer Georg Jensen, whose functional-style silversmithing helped shape industrial design in Scandinavian countries. I had already lost it once and after much research was able to purchase one again. A good half year ago I scatterbrained lost it again. Fuck the 20, 30 euros - but my beautiful clip was gone. And this time it was impossible to find another one. Yesterday, I put on a suit that I obviously hadn't worn for a long time - because in my pants pocket I found my money clip. Empty, but valuable. I got it back. And my personal happy moment of the week.

I couldn't care less...

...for the Olympic Games. Because they are so far from the original ideal of the sporting high office of the amateurs, endlessly commercialized, run by a corrupt organization, without any grounding and leaving the same too often burnt. I can still remember the promises made before the Summer Games in Beijing in 20008: sport would be an ambassador of peace and democratization, the Olympics would have a lasting effect on politics and society. Really? Nothing at all has happened. Except that the 2022 Winter Games will once again be held in Beijing. Bravo!

As I write this...

...it's thundering and lightning in the mountains again. And everybody is afraid that there will be heavy rain, squalls and hail again. Because the soils, especially in the disaster areas of the last week, are still waterlogged and loose and many dams no longer exist. So it only takes a comparatively small amount of rain to have mudslides, rivers overflowing their banks, and flooded homes again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of us.

[charliejrogers]

Extra Ordinary (2020), definitely not ordinary, but not extraordinary

What’s your favorite Monty Python sketch? Is it the “Argument Clinic”? “The Spanish Inquisition”? “Fish Slapping”? These are all good… but it’s a trick question. The “Maths” episode of the short-lived but long-remembered series Look Around You is the ultimate example of British humor that Monty Python & co. so perfectly embodied. Look Around You presented each episode in the same style, feeling, and with the and production values of a cheap edutainment video from the 1980s/1990s, and they did it so faithfully that they were able to match an incredible deadpan delivery with even the most ridiculous shit (like suggesting that every pencil case should include a pencils, a pair of compasses, and a nebulous substance that could improve cognition when chewed – but could also confer “diarrhoea” -- referred to only as “Garry gum”).

I bring up my love for Look Around You because the very opening of the 2020 Irish comedy-horror-romance, Extra Ordinary, seems poised to breathe new life into edutainment / public access TV parody. The film starts with clips from a fictional television show called The Talents, a show shining a light on paranormal activity present in our world. It’s hosted by Vincent Dooley (Risteard Cooper) who is occasionally helped by his young daughter Rose. The clips from the show, peppered throughout various parts of the film, are, for me, the film’s highlights. They are simply the best outlets for the film’s brand of humor. The show-within-the-film allows the writers to be downright silly while still keeping a straight face. During these times, like when a clip from the show introduces “gloating” (or “goat floating”), the sheer ridiculousness of the show makes it clear that the movie’s in on the joke too.

The first fifteen or so minutes of the movie’s main plot do a great job of maintaining this tone. Once we exit the show clips and enter the present day, we see Rose, now an adult (Maeve Higgins), driving about town waving to spooky abandoned toasters. Rose is no longer the little girl from the show-within-the-movie. Instead, she’s now a grown, single woman haunted by a dark past which is only hinted at but we know involves “dadslaughtering,” as she puts it. She runs her own driving school, but everyone in her small Irish town still knows her as the ghost lady and therefore her voicemail is full of people leaving messages requesting her paranormal talents.

One such person requesting her services is our perfectly named male protagonist Martin Martin (Barry Ward). A milquetoast man, we meet him shaving in his bathroom when suddenly the words “You must pay” appear on his mirror. Slightly spooked, he closes the other half of his bathroom mirror to reveal the other half of the mirror-message, “your car tax!” This bathos continues the film’s self-aware, ironic tone. This is a man so thoroughly used to the abuse and nagging of his wife that now he doesn’t bat an eye when he gets the same treatment from her now, even though she’s a ghost. Martin’s daughter is less warm to her mother’s continued haunting presence. The story gets rolling when Martin’s teenage daughter gives her father an ultimatum: either he call the local ghostbuster to exorcise her mother from their home or she’s going to leave home for good. Reluctant to let go of his wife and but more reluctant to lose his daughter, Martin calls up with Rose Dooley to appease his daughter but has no intention of moving forward with the exorcism. He will simply pretend to need a driving lesson and then tell his daughter later that Rose refused to help.

The scene that follows is slightly unexpected: it’s a genuine rom-com meet-cute, as Martin is predictably awkward and not prone to being a good liar (since of course he already knows how to drive). But given the rest of the film’s tone it won’t surprise you that the chemistry that builds between the two protagonists is awkward, lurching, and not at all easy-going, but always a joy to watch. Eventually the two team up to do some ghostbusting which is the other highlight of the film. Every ghostbusting always involves Martin channeling a a ghost’s spirit, Rose talking with that spirit (through Martin) in order to resolve their issues, and then it ends with Martin puking up that ghost’s ectoplasm, something which is always grossly satisfying to watch. If this was the whole movie, just watching these two characters fall in love and do some ghostbusting, I would have been much more favorable to it.

Why I am ultimately slightly unfavorable towards it is due to the film’s third star and villain: Christian Winters, a talentless one-hit wonder from decades ago who is trying to use dark magic to stage his comeback. Martin’s daughter gets tangled up in Winters’ nefarious plan which is ultimately what forces Rose and Martin to team up to ghostbust in the first place. It’s not the plot here that I take issue with. It’s the character of Christian Winters, or (though it pains me to say) the performance of the character by Will Forte that marred this otherwise charming film. Forte is one of my favorite comic actors whose turn as a serious actor in 2013’s Nebraska will make him immortal in my eyes. But here in Extra Ordinary? He’s overplayed, hammy, and just doesn’t fit the tone. He feels like an SNL character transplanted into Monty Python skit. He lacks the subtlety and awareness that he’s in on the joke like the rest of the cast. Winters just sorta is a joke. His girlfriend is even worse. Whereas our protagonists are loveable, believable characters, she’s a nightmare of a self-absorbed woman. I guess whereas the rest of the movie has heart, the entire Christian Winters subplot does not.

And this sucks. Because I loved much of the rest of this movie. The romance between Martin and Rose is sweet and you really feel like you’re rooting for them. But Winters brings the wrong vibe to this otherwise charming film, and you can’t help but feel that were it not for the producers feeling like they needed a well-known actor in the role of Winters in order for the movie to sell, this movie would have been better served by a more low-key and unknown Irish actor like the film’s two leads. But what remains when you subtract out the Winters character is a charming movie with a unique tone that remains one of the sweetest and funniest rom-coms I’ve seen in recent memory.

**/ (Two and a half out of four stars)

[in-tua-deep]

What animal do you think suits each of the umbrella kids the most?

okay what you don’t know is that i’m a sucker for a his dark materials au with daemons so i’m sorry if that’s not what you want but that’s what you’re getting lmao

forewarning: this is super self indulgent and i only have actual reasons for like maybe half of these 

Luther: a dog! If you want specifics probably an Anatolian Shepherd dog bc they’re big motherfuckers and muscular as fuck. I did toy with a big animal like a bear but ultimately I think a dog just because simply: Luther obeys Reginald without question and has incredibly loyalty to a man that never cared about his wellbeing. Plus, you know, the family would rib at him about being Reginald’s loyal dog and all that. Plus it’s a good set up for his rivalry with Diego that I’ll yell about in a minute. 

So yes, Luther’s daemon settles as a bigass dog. She’s pragmatic and can be cold and often tries to model herself after Reginald’s daemon. She can be somewhat self righteous and very blunt. She tends to say exactly what she’s thinking without sugar coating it and doesn’t care if Luther has to stumble to save face. “You think one of us killed dad.” Diego says. “No not ‘one of you’, specifically you, Diego. You have an alibi?” Luther’s daemon says in front of the family, god, and Five’s portrait on the mantle.

Diego: a wolf! This sets up a big rivalry between Diego and Luther as they have somewhat similar daemons except for the fact that Luther’s is a domesticated canine and Diego’s is a wild one. Luther often uses Diego’s daemon to say that Diego is too wild to lead the team and that’s why he’s in charge. It’s mainly because while Diego does his whole lone wolf act, he’s shown to be pretty protective of the people he considers his and really he does need a pack. Even though he tells Klaus no, he doesn’t bother enforcing it when Klaus insists on hopping in the car anyway. He wants to be leader of the pack, but is awkward when he tries to be in charge bless his heart.

Diego’s wolf daemon is a not-so-secret softie. She prompts Diego to interact more with his family and sends longing glances towards Detective Patch and her daemon. She doesn’t get along with Luther’s daemon and always bristles when she’s around, though Luther’s daemon tends to ignore Diego’s and act like she’s above it all which just makes the issue even worse tbh. Diego’s daemon doesn’t shy away from her instincts and refers to the family as her pack and is very vocal about both not killing Grace (though later she sits and whines when Diego does it) and letting Vanya out (Diego spits vitriol about Vanya but his daemon is suspiciously silent on the subject).

Allison: a burmese python! I will freely admit that i chose this 90% because of the feather boa in the beginning dance scene because I want Allison to have her daemon constantly draped around her neck and on her body, but snakes do tend to be associated with manipulation as well in some stories even though I can’t see it looking at their cute little faces?? But I mean Allison’s whole gig is manipulation so it fits even though I’m only justifying it after the fact lmao. 

Allison’s daemon is very laid back and rarely speaks up. Allison often accuses him of being lazy because she tends to carry him everywhere and he’s constantly on the hunt for warm places to curl up in. He used to ride on the back of Luther’s daemon a lot when Allison got fed up of carrying him. Uses the fact that he doesn’t have eyelids to stare people down when they’re being irritating. Generally does not appreciate the negative press that comes with being a snake daemon and secretly him and Allison both wonder if him being a snake was a factor in her not getting custody of Claire. (Allison didn’t appreciate what he settled as and they fought about it, there’s still some tension between them on occasion because of it)

Klaus: a black cat! I almost gave him a raven because reasons but I ended up with a cat for pretty simple reasons: Klaus is pretty much a stray cat in human form tbh just look at him. Also because cats stare off into corners like they can see the dead and damned so I thought it was somewhat appropriate, and black cats are considered both lucky and unlucky depending on where you like (which lemme tell you as a black cat owner who moved from a lucky to unlucky area was a wild thing to find out). 

Klaus’s daemon is very sarcastic and a lot less forgiving than Klaus himself is. They hold a grudge to say the least. While most daemons tend not to speak to people who aren’t their own, Klaus’s daemon doesn’t give a single shit and will talk to anyone they damn well please. Doesn’t get along with Luther’s daemon because they constantly talk shit about Reggie and Reggie’s daemon, but gets along very well with Diego’s daemon and has ridden on her shoulder more than once. Shares Klaus’s power in that they can see the dead but ignores them even harder than Klaus because they’re secretly freaked out that ghosts don’t have daemons. Klaus and his daemon also hang out with Ben’s daemon, who for reasons unknown didn’t burst into dust upon Ben’s death but she generally stays out of sight.

Five: one part of me says hare because of the cryptic value and eyes that look like they could kill you and also jumping jokes and another part of me says hummingbird for plenty of good reasons but an even larger part of me says that I don’t have to choose because I can just symbolically make his daemon unsettled. She wasn’t settled before the apocalypse and then he kind of… never really grew up. Part of a daemon settling is growing up and knowing yourself but Five didn’t have a chance to do that, he was too focused on his goal. They both dislike the fact that she’s unsettled because they think it’s childish, but it’s also very handy because it means she’s adaptable as fuck. Maybe she pretends she’s settled as a hare or something while they work for the Commission idk and it’s a little reveal when he’s back home. Maybe they’re also separated like a witch’s daemon due to the Commission?? unclear

Five’s daemon tends to fade into the background if you’ll let her. She tends to be standoffish but is exceptionally observant. She very rarely speaks to anyone outside of Five, even among the siblings, though she’s not above bluntly calling them out if Five isn’t around and she deems it necessary. She likes Vanya best, though she was also fond of Ben. She tends to be the voice of reason for Five and probably takes most of Dolores’s lines in telling him drinking is bad for him or that his equations are wrong. There’s probably a dramatic scene where she’s revealed to be unsettled where she turns into a big fuckoff animal and fucks up the Handler or something idk but otherwise she’s pretty content to remain a hare and do a good impression of the rabbit from monty python if people fuck with her.

Ben: something smaller and easily hidden. My heart says rat because they’re so fucking good and smart so that’s what I’m going to run with, and also because they’re often viewed negatively and Ben has a power that he also views negatively rip. Also I’m gonna be real the idea of Klaus and Ben’s daemons being absolute bros as a cat and a rat also amuses me so there’s that and this is my au i do what i want. 

Ben’s daemon was withdrawn before his death and even more so after. No one knows why she didn’t turn to dust when Ben died, but she didn’t. None of the other siblings knew that she survived because she asked Klaus not to tell, worried that Reginald would experiment on her to try and figure out why she didn’t vanish. She spent most of their time before Klaus left hiding in his room, and after she hides in his clothes a lot and likes when he wears items with hoods (like Ben used to) because she likes to curl up in them. Like Five’s daemon, she doesn’t talk much. 

Vanya: a spotted owl! I wanted to give Vanya a winged daemon that can’t fly for most of the duration of the plot despite having wings because of general symbolism reasons regarding Reginald “clipping her wings” by suppressing her powers with medication and all that. Honestly I mostly picked a spotted owl on a whim because I like owls (I was a guardians of gahoole kid) and I think that the hints of white on a spotted owl would be a cool allusion to her powers and also there’s some sick imagery in her powers activating and her daemons colors reversing so that he’s primarily white soooo i do what i want is the answer

Like I said above, Vanya’s daemon is a bird daemon who… doesn’t fly. He mostly spends his time on a perch that Vanya bought for him in her apartment. He doesn’t actually spend a lot of time physically on Vanya outside of when they’re travelling somewhere, and she usually puts him down immediately when she arrives at her destination. He usually just walks about the house but like a chicken can do a sort of jump/flap combo to get up to surfaces so he’s alright for the most part. I want to say part of Leonard’s manipulations was that he also has a bird daemon and they try and teach Vanya’s daemon to fly as well as for her to access her powers.

and outside of the main kids (these aren’t nearly as well thought out and are liable to change probably - 

Reginald: a fox. Cunning and intelligent and adaptable, she’s regal and stone cold, never speaking directly to any of the children and she often acts as if they don’t exist or are so far beneath her they might as well not. Her coat is always pristine, her dark eyes are always watching, and her teeth are dazzling and sharp and threatening even though the kids see her far more rarely than they do their father. She’s a ruthless pragmatist and often served as an observer during their training, after which she would whisper in Reginald’s ear and oftentimes there was a new and inventive torture waiting for them. Sometimes the kids feared her more than they feared their father. She’s only ever shown anything even approaching affection to Luther’s daemon, and even that was just brushing herself past the other daemon and allowing a brief touch.

Hazel: a big grizzly bear. They often both complain about the lack of accommodations for large daemons when she has to squeeze her ass into their tiny motel rooms or in diner booths and restaurant tables in general. Tends to just stay in the hotel room and allow people to assume Hazel has a small daemon since they’re separated and her bulk is often cumbersome for missions. Has 100% charged in as the cavalry and fucked people up though don’t mistake her whining for her not being very dangerous.

Cha-Cha: my heart says a mountain lion and so that’s what i’m going with. Large and can do a lot of damage given the opportunity with those claws, pretty sneaky and damn good at his job. Is probably the one who scruffs Klaus’s daemon when they kidnap him from the house. He has a wicked sense of humor that Cha-Cha doesn’t always appreciate and always goes with for missions because he genuinely enjoys their work, doesn’t understand why Hazel’s daemon would rather stay behind.

Grace: yes I understand that Grace is a robot and no that’s not going to stop me from saying that Reginald gave her a mechanical clockwork butterfly daemon because I say so and because I think his daemon would have insisted that it’s far too creepy to look and see a human without a daemon and he’s trying to make her as realistic as possible, right? The butterfly is technically an extension of Grace, however Reginald never gave her daemon a voicebox because he deemed it unnecessary. He usually just sits on Grace’s shoulder slowly opening and closing his wings. A plot point is Grace finally naming her daemon for herself because Reginald never bothered with a name for him either.

The Handler: The Handler doesn’t have a daemon. Five asks her where her daemon is in the flashback scene where she recruits him and she laughs and tells him that that’s a rude question and never answers him. The daemon never shows up and other people and their daemons are noticeably unsettled by this. Five’s daemon genuinely is frightened by the Handler and tends to hide behind him, which the Handler comments upon with a saccharine smile. They never do figure out what happened to her daemon (though one of the office workers shares a rumor with Five that the Handler killed her own daemon for questioning the commission).

Patch: a terrier! My heart says border terrier so that’s what I’m going with. Dogged and unwilling to let go when she feels like she’s on the scent of something, she’s a good police officer even if she has torn loyalty to Diego as well. He’s a hardy little thing and he encourages her to bend the rules so much so that it used to be a running joke that her daemon might as well be Diego’s. Her daemon doesn’t bother with the hostilities and is always pleased to see Diego’s daemon. For the most part they just watch their idiot humans snipe at one another and are content to chill until Patch makes Diego leave. Their daemons always cheerfully say bye to each other and that they’ll see the other again soon even

Dave: my heart says also a dog. Probably a farm dog. Australian Cattle Dog, maybe? because my heart also says that Dave was probably raised as a good honest farm boy or at the VERY LEAST his grandparents had a farm he spent his summers on as a child. Very loyal. She absolutely adores Klaus and his daemon and Klaus’s daemon curled up with her constantly. Touching another person’s daemon is a social booboo but out there in Vietnam both daemons saved the other’s human at least once. Dave’s daemon pretends that she’s more sensible than him and often would complain at Klaus’s daemon that the sexual tension was genuinely killing her and if they kept gazing into one another’s eyes on the disco floor she was gonna barf. Klaus’s daemon would just roll their eyes because it’s not like they as daemons weren’t all touchy feely. Klaus’s daemon could be constantly seen grooming Dave’s with their little cat sandpaper tongue and Dave’s daemon constantly rested her head on Klaus’s to go to sleep sO. The scene where Dave dies is doubly sad because you see her turning into dust as Klaus’s daemon howls.

Agnes: almost forgot Agnes whoops. But I choose… a canary! Why? Because they’re bright and pretty and sing nicely and she would forever be explaining that yes, her daemon is a canary but it isn’t a domestic canary so that’s why he has brown on him and isn’t pure yellow. That and I think it would be sort of cute if Hazel’s attention was caught by pretty birdsong initially so a songbird it is. Agnes’s daemon, when her and Hazel are together, likes to snuggle down into Hazel’s daemon’s fur and make a small attempt to preen her even though she’s like a million times his size. He’s absolutely fearless and doesn’t hesitate at Hazel’s large daemon like a lot of small daemons do which endears him to the assassin duo. Like genuinely I picked canary on an absolute whim but that same goes for most of these and no one can stop me.

is that everyone?? i think that’s everyone

EDIT: I FORGOT LEONARD which goes to show how much i repress his existence

Leonard: a great skua. Am I basing this on the fact that I wanted his daemon to be a bird for plot reasons and the first mean bird I could think of was that one dude who wanted to eat baby Mumble in Happy Feet? maybe. But yeah a generally normal looking bird with the capacity for great violence there we go that’s my reasoning thank you and good night. His daemon is unsettling to literally everyone except Vanya probably tbh and Vanya calls Allison out on daemon stereotyping because Allison has a SNAKE she should be BETTER THAN THAT. But yeah that’s all I got for tonight thanks for reading lads.

[ranata-suzuki]

What's the hidden symbolism behind your display picture everywhere? "A blue bird with a string attached to one of her leg carrying a book title chronicle". I'm sure it's not random! Do share the meaning with all of us if possible.

~THE BIRD & THE BOOK ~

 People ask me you know… about the bird and the book; about its symbolism, its story, its message, its meaning. But how do you explain a couplism, an in-joke, a personalised meme? How do you convey memories and their nuances to someone who never experienced them firsthand and more to the point – should you? Or is that part of the magic memory holds, that it is only ever shared with those who were there.  

 As for the bird and the book, I suppose the short answer that no one but you will ever ‘get’ is to say that it is a European Swallow… in this case a heavily laden one (as opposed to an unladen one which would make it easily recognisable for the Monty Python reference that it is).

 It carries a book called Chronicle because that’s what our back and forth emails became over time. What started with a few lines and a joke eventually grew to the point where it would be weeks between emails and take hours of dedicated writing to reply to, just to be sure we had replied to every joke and conversational thread it had incorporated into it. We had to send other emails in the meantime just to get us by; after all if we only wrote to each other in that one email chain we wouldn’t hear back for weeks, so smaller conversational threads had to be created to be able to stay in constant contact.

 And then one day I renamed the subject line “Chronicle”… and just like that another meme had formed. You said you knew instantly what it was when it landed in your inbox and you could not think of a more perfect name for it. It’s what we called it from then onward, until the end.  

  I remember jokes about messenger pigeons. We said it would be almost be faster to breed and train generations of them to carry our messages back and forth than to wait for an email response to the Chronicle (the irony in such a technologically advanced and fast paced world).  But in printed format it would have been  like an encyclopaedia, far too heavy for such a little bird to carry. What about a European Swallow we said? After all, if they can carry coconuts to Europe they’re capable of anything. 

You left. 

I kept writing. 

I never stopped writing to you. 

I wrote you a Chronicle, only it was one sided now… and the jokes it seems were all gone. 

I never sent you a single word – and so I heard not a word from you in return. The only conversational emails I had to pass the time were the old ones I would read over and over again. 

It’s funny isn’t it how the things you thought at the time were just jokes and didn’t really mean that much turned out to be everything in the end. 

I found the perfect little bird to carry my words out into the world in the half hope that they may one day reach you. 

I never stopped writing to you. 

 I love you. 

I don’t know how not to write to you. 

- Ranata Suzuki

[hellinabentley]

//Just a thought that probably floated through my brain because it's 3am and I should be sleeping. But I love how quick this fandom has been to embrace non-binary Crowley. (And non-binary Aziraphale, for that matter, along with non-binary everybody else celestial or infernal.) That, to me, is huge. I've never seen that. Like usually, there will be all of us label-less queers off in a corner writing fanfic about how such-and-such character is not cis. And that's basically it.

In this fandom, though, literally the whole fandom is just like "yep, Crowley's non-binary, and in other news, it's Tuesday." That has floored me. And the fact that the writer of the show/co-author of the novel has come out and said, "Yes, Crowley does present as female part of the time. No, we did not make major changes to David Tennant's makeup and whatnot to do that, nor did we whip up some crap about how Crowley can shapeshift so we'll bring in an actress for those scenes. And no, we did not play any of that as a joke, because it's not a joke." Like that just... That is powerful.

Real talk, here. I have seen exactly one (1) other non-binary character on a show that wasn't aimed primarily at a queer audience who was not played as a joke in some way. (That would be Syd from One Day at a Time, for those wondering. The show that made me sob because I'm queer and Cuban and I had never seen a queer Cuban on screen or page before, ever.) Y'all cis people in this fandom, I love you, but I just want to make absolutely clear how huge this is. Those of us who are non-binary are barely even recognized as valid anywhere but within our own community. So this? This thing that was bound to blow up because it was David Tennant and Michael Sheen in the tv adaptation of a really popular novel where the screenplay was written by one of the authors of the novel? The fact that it has embraced not just the broader queer community, but the non-binary community in particular so loudly and so matter-of-factly, that is so big.

And I know to some of the younger members of the fandom, maybe it doesn't seem that big. But I'm 30. I spent my entire childhood aware that I didn't quite fit in any of the boxes, although I learned by age 9 that asking why I had to be a girl or a boy was a bad plan and only resulted in having things thrown at me. I never had the vocabulary to express what was going on. I had never even heard the term transgender until I was a senior in high school. For reference, I was 17 by that point. It wasn't until college - and the message boards for a queer web comic - that I learned non-binary was a thing. I literally cried off and on for days, because oh my god, I wasn't the only one. I was half convinced I was either insane or there was something wrong with me until I realized it wasn't just me. And again, I'm thirty. I know around here that makes me a fossil, but I'm really not that old.

But having gone through that experience growing up, and spending so much time struggling with self-loathing and depression and suicidal urges as a teenager because I could not figure out what the hell was wrong with me, not only is this incredibly validating to me, but it also makes me hopeful. Because I don't want non-binary kids to go through the same shit I did. I don't want them to feel broken and alone. I want them to be able to see themselves represented on the page and on the screen. And is Good Omens necessarily something you want your 5 year old watching? Probably not. Do we need more representation in young-child-friendly media? Probably, although I really am out of the loop on that one because I don't have kids. But this is something that I could see letting your middle schooler watch. (Probably. Again, no kids and I was allowed to watch Monty Python's Flying Circus as a young child, so take my age appropriateness evaluations with a grain of salt.) But it does represent progress. And that's encouraging. You have to start somewhere.

And it is now 3:40am and I'm going to stop rambling at you and at least move towards bed now.

(As a side note, that post about how Aziraphale has no idea how to answer when somebody asks if he's gay, because his partner hoards all the genders and keeps bouncing between them? I high-key empathize with that post, except I am both Crowley and Aziraphale in that situation. I hoard all the genders and bounce between them and therefore I have no idea how to answer when somebody asks if I'm gay. That's why I just call myself "queer." It's a hell of a lot shorter than "that's relative to wherever I fall on the gender spectrum on a given day, but my sexuality is basically 'if you're a dude, probably nah.'")

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #581

Top Ten Comedy Songs

Ah, comedy. Funny, isn’t it? I’ve talked a little about comedy songs recently when I was doing my list specifically about The Lonely Island; and also in the past, ranking the songs of Weird Al (and even further back, the songs of Monty Python). One of the interesting things I find with comedy songs is that they stick in my mind more than usual; I think because you’re parsing the jokes, the lines resonate more. You remember the lyrics because the lyrics are funny and you need to remember the construction of the lines in order to remember the joke. It’s one of the reasons why I know all the words to The Saga Begins but not to American Pie; it’s just funnier to sing about going back to Naboo because Queen Amidala wanted to, even if frankly you’d have liked to stay. So it’s more memorable.

For me, anyway.

So there’s nothing much else to this list. It’s just songs I’ve heard that are funny. No, actually, there is more to it; it’s not just “songs that are funny”, it’s songs that are specifically supposed to be funny. Actual, genuine, comedy songs, songs specifically designed to get you laughing. This lead to a lot of internal deliberation about Tenacious D in particular; are their songs comedy songs? Or are they genre parodies, songs that happen to be amusing, but are songs first and foremost? Songs that are funny rather than comedy delivered through song. It’s a hazy line, but I can still see it. It makes sense to me.

Mostly what you have here are songs from, I’d say, comedy acts. Monty Python, Weird Al, Lonely Island – all present and correct. Victoria Wood, Billy Connolly, and Tim Minchin. What you don’t really have – unfortunately – are any musical numbers. I came very, very close to having a Teen Titans Go! song on the list, but sadly it just slipped off the bottom. Maybe that’s one for the future. Another debate I had with myself was over “comedy song” versus “novelty song”; y’know, larky songs that could encompass everything from The Chicken Song (that feels comedy) to Right Said Fred (arguable, it’s at least amusing) to Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini (nope). I mean, where do you draw the line? I almost included Me and My Monkey by Robbie Williams, a genuinely funny and demented song about a coke-addled monkey shooting up hotel rooms in Vegas. I mean, the likes of Babe I’m on Fire or The Cure of Milhaven by Nick Cave are also darkly comic; and I think Don’t Sit Down Coz I’ve Moved Your Chair by Arctic Monkeys is hilarious. But is it a comedy song?

I dunno. But I decided these ten are. So enjoy.

Oh, and I only picked one song per artist; otherwise I worried there’d only be three or four artists represented. And I guess, er, Mature Content Warning? What is it with comedians wanting to eff and jeff in their songs, I dunno.

The Ballad of Barry and Freda (Let’s Do It) (Victoria Wood, 1986): there’s a pleasingly British comic sensibility which renders quite filthy content in a nudge-nudge wink-wink, innuendo-laden fashion that’s deemed suitable for younger audiences. From saucy postcards to pantomime to ‘Allo ‘Allo, we do like our primetime fruitiness. And who did it better (oo-er) than Wood? This masterpiece of comedy is so quintessentially British – from its references to hostess trolleys and, yes, Woman’s Weekly – but also fits the comic archetype of horny housewives and tired old husbands, the working-class world of Wood’s comedy. It’s comfy and it’s sweet and it’s lovely and it’s hilarious and it’s filthy. But it’s also a work of complex musicality and is a stunning performance by Wood on the piano.

Every Sperm is Sacred (Monty Python, 1983): Monty Python produced a raft of hilarious songs in their time, but there’s something about the production of this that elevates it above the likes of Eric the Half a Bee. The jokes about Catholicism I find very funny, and it’s always great to see Palin doing his Yorkshire accent. But once you turn it into a fully-fledged musical number, with chorus lines of high-kicking midwives and dancing urchin children and parades of undertakers and a singing corpse, it becomes something else. Even just aurally it’s such a high-quality production, and it all adds to the comedy.

White & Nerdy (“Weird Al” Yankovic, 2006): god, it’s hard to choose an Al song. I’ve already ranked them (and truth be told I didn’t go back to look to see if I’d put this as number one), but any of that Top Ten cold be here. What I love about this, though, is its lyricism, and the depth of its references; from millennial-era computing jargon through to references to Star Trek and Segways. It’s a snapshot of its time but it’s also just a wonderfully-constructed love letter to a particular flavour of geekery. And, of course, made funnier because it’s presented as quite a tough rap song.

Inner City Pressure (Flight of the Conchords, 2007): another band where I could have picked at least half a dozen songs. This one is great, though, because it’s probably the best Pet Shop Boys parody I’ve ever heard, and very distinct from the Conchords’ usual repertoire. Taking the serious, deadpan delivery of PSB, superficially singing about urban decay, but then writing lyrics about second-hand underpants is just sublime. Also wins a million points for getting a rhyme out of “concert flautist”.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E. (Billy Connolly, 1975): I sometimes think it’s a bit of a shame that Connolly segued away from music as his comedy career accelerated; especially given gems such as this. A fairly direct parody of the original song by Tammy Wynette, it’s the absurdity of the lyrics that real elevate this; the story of an angry dog biting the V-E-T, and the words Connolly chooses to spell (B-U-M). Also features the genius line, “she called me an F-ing C” – which, hilariously, is often bleeped on some recordings.

Horse Outside (The Rubberbandits, 2010): there’s something nasty and angry about most Rubberbandits songs; maybe it’s the weird carrier bag facemasks. But outside of songs about gay sex, fistfights, and Danny Dyer, we have this utterly demented love letter to a horse, and why it’s better than a car. Delightfully Irish in so many ways, it’s sort of quite sweet but also utterly barmy and consistently potty-mouthed. Bit mean about Billie Piper, though.

Spring Break Anthem (The Lonely Island, 2013): speaking about gay sex, we have my favourite Lonely Island song, mixing up hedonistic alpha male behaviour with tender same-sex romance. And, to be honest, that’s all there is to it; it’s skewering the offensive, misogynistic posturing of the song’s subjects by way of comparison. And it’s really, really funny. I wrote about it fairly recently so if you want more, go back two weeks.

Prejudice (Tim Minchin, 2009): Minchin is a genius lyricist and so many of his songs are both hilarious and also just really, really good (Not Perfect and White Wine in the Sun are almost entirely straight). I do sometimes get a bit of that try-hard atheism that makes Gervais so unappealing, but basically he’s great, and this song is amazing. Subverting expectations to tremendous effect is one thing, but the number of ways he finds of discussing the subject matter in increasingly funny ways is, well, very clever.

Happy Birthday in Minor Key (Bill Bailey, 2015): a bit like a more shambolic, shamanistic version of Minchin, Bailey’s musical genius often finds comedic expression as he deconstructs genres and styles. Here, playing Happy Birthday in a minor key creates a dirge that he then supplies with brilliantly dour, goth-tinged lyrics. There’s some wonderful wordplay and it all builds to a final couple of lines that really do put the icing on the cake.

George Washington (Brad Neely, 2010): this one nearly didn’t make the list, great as it is, but in the end the fact that I still – over a decade later – find myself quietly singing the refrain “Washington, Washington, twenty stories high made of radiation” suggests it has supreme earworm qualities. Long before Hamilton, here was a musical about one of the Founding Fathers that felt free to mix up modern lyricism with revered history. After all, it’s a known fact that Washington really did make love like an eagle falling out of the sky.

This was hard. I’m absolutely certain I’ve forgotten something huge and I’ll remember it two days after this is published. Next week will probably be better, as I’m doing my ying-yang thing and returning to the MCU…

[a-year-of-musicals]

Day 98/365 - Monty Python’s Spamalot

By John Du Prez and Eric Idle

A historian narrates a brief overview of medieval England. In a miscommunication between the actors and the narrator, the actors sing an introductory song about Finland (Fisch Schlapping Song). The Historian returns, irritated, and tells the frolicking Finns that he was talking about England, not Finland. The scene immediately changes to a dreary, dark village with penitent monks in hooded robes chanting Latin and hitting themselves with books. King Arthur travels the land with his servant Patsy, who follows him around banging two coconut shells together to make the sound of a horse's hooves as Arthur "rides" before him, trying to recruit Knights of the Round Table to join him in Canelot. He encounters a pair of sentries who are more interested in debating whether two swallows could successfully carry a coconut than in listening to the king.

Sir Robin, a collector of plague victims, and Lancelot, a large, handsome and incredibly violent man, meet as Lancelot attempts to dispose of the sickly Not Dead Fred. Although a plague victim, the man insists that he is not dead yet and he can dance and sing. He completes a dance number, but is soon hit over the head with a shovel and killed by an impatient Lancelot. (He Is Not Dead Yet). They agree to become Knights of the Round Table together, Lancelot for the fighting, and Robin for the singing and the dancing.

Arthur attempts to convince a peasant named Dennis Galahad that he, Arthur, is king of England because the Lady of the Lake gave him Excalibur, the sword given only to the man fit to rule England. However, Dennis and his mother, Mrs Galahad, are political radicals and deny that any king who has not been elected by the people has any legitimate right to rule over them. To settle the issue, Arthur has the Lady Of The Lake and her Laker Girls appear to turn Dennis into a knight (Come With Me). Cheered on by the girls (Laker Girls Cheer), the Lady Of The Lake turns Dennis into Sir Galahad and together, they sing a generic Broadway love song (The Song That Goes Like This), complete with chandelier. They are joined by Sir Robin and Sir Lancelot, and together with Sir Belvedere and "the aptly named" Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Show - a knight resembling Don Quixote - who promptly apologises and leaves, they make up the Knights of the Round Table (All For One).

The five knights gather in Camelot, a deliberately anachronistic place resembling Las Vegas’s Camelot-inspired Excalibur resort, complete with showgirls, oversized dice and the Lady of the Lake headlining the Castle in full Cher get-up (Knights Of The Round Table/The Song That Goes Like This Reprise). In the midst of their revelry, they are contacted by God who tells them to locate the Holy Grail. Urged on by the Lady Of The Lake (Find Your Grail), the Knights set off. They travel throughout the land until they reach a castle, only to be viciously taunted by lewd French soldiers. They attempt to retaliate by sending them a large wooden rabbit in the style of the Trojan Horse; however, they realise after the fact that it was not as simple as leaving the rabbit and walking away – they should have hidden inside it. Defeated, they leave in a hurry when the French begin taunting them again, sending cancan dancers after them and throwing barnyard animals including cows at them (Run Away!). Arthur and his followers manage to run into the safety of the wings before the French catapult the Trojan Rabbit at them.

Sir Robin and his minstrels follow King Arthur and Patsy into a "dark and very expensive forest" - Arthur later says they're in a "Dark and extremely expensive forest - where they are separated. King Arthur meets the terrifying but silly Knights who say Ni, who demand a shrubbery. King Arthur despairs of finding one, but Patsy cheers him up (Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life) and they find a shrubbery shortly after.

Sir Robin, after wandering the forest for some time with his minstrels (Brave Sir Robin), encounters The Black Knight, who scares him off, but King Arthur, who happens on the scene, more or less defeats him by cutting off both his arms and legs, impaling his still-alive torso on a door, and leaving to give the Knights their shrubbery. The Knights accept it, but next demand that King Arthur put on a musical and bring it to Broadway implying that it need only be Broadway-style, "but not an Andrew Lloyd Webber". The mere mention of his name causes everyone to cover their ears and scream in pain. Sir Robin, who has found Arthur by this point, insists that it would be impossible for them to accomplish this next task, since you need Jews for a successful Broadway West End musical (You Won't Succeed On Broadway), and proves his point in a wild production number filled with Fiddle On The Roof parodies, including a bottle dance with Grails instead of bottles. King Arthur and Patsy promptly set off in search of Jews.

While the Lady Of The Lake laments her lack of stage time (Whatever Happened To My Part?), Sir Lancelot receives a letter from what he assumes is a young damsel in distress. He is very surprised to find that the "damsel" is actually an effeminate young man named Prince Herbert (Where Are You?/Here Are You) whose overbearing, music-hating father, the King of Swamp Castle, is forcing him into an arranged marriage. As Herbert is asking Lancelot to help him escape, the King of Swamp Castle cuts the rope that he is using to climb out of the window, and Herbert falls to his apparent death. Lancelot is a bit puzzled at the king's actions, but it is revealed that Herbert was saved at the last minute by Lancelot's sidekick, Concorde. The King asks his son how he was saved, exactly, to which Herbert replies happily with a song. But the king charges at his son with a spear, preparing to kill him. Lancelot steps in to save him, then gives a tearful, heartfelt speech about sensitivity to the king on Herbert's behalf, and Lancelot is outed as a homosexual in the process, an announcement celebrated in a wild disco number (His Name is Lancelot).

King Arthur begins to give up hope of ever putting on the Broadway musical and laments that he is alone, even though Patsy has been with him the entire time (I'm All Alone). The Lady Of The Lake appears and tells Arthur that he and the Knights have been in a Broadway musical all along. Patsy also reveals he is half Jewish, but didn't want to say anything to Arthur because "that's not really the sort of thing you say to a heavily armed Christian." All that's left is for King Arthur to find the Grail and marry someone. After picking up on some not-too-subtle hints, Arthur decides to marry the Lady Of The Lake after he finds the Grail (Twice in Every Show).

Reunited with his Knights, Arthur meets Tim the Enchanter who warns them of the danger of a killer rabbit. When the rabbit bites a knight's head off, Arthur uses the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch against it, knocking down a nearby hill and revealing that the "evil rabbit" was actually a puppet controlled by a surprised puppeteer. A large stone block showing a combination of letters and numbers is also revealed. The letters are based on the seat numbering system used by each theatre.

After pondering the final clue, Arthur admits that they're "a bit stumped with the clue thing" and asks God to "give them a hand". A large hand points to the audience and Arthur realises that the letters and numbers refer to a seat number in the audience. The grail is "found" with some sleight of hand under the seat and the person sitting in the seat is rewarded with a small trophy and a polaroid photo. (The Holy Grail). Arthur marries the Lady of the Lake, who reveals that her name is Guinevere; Lancelot marries Herbert who finally has a chance to sing; and Sir Robin decides to pursue a career in musical theatre. Herbert's father attempts to interrupt the finale and stop all of the "bloody singing", but is hit over the head with a shovel by Lancelot, a nod to "He is Not Yet Dead". (Act 2 Finale/Always Look on the Bright Side of Life).

Wow, what a comedy! I was in stitches just listening so I can’t imagine what a hoot it would be to see this live. Absolutely love the fact that they use this popular myth/legend and just elaborate to make jokes.

Fantastic.

Favourite Songs: Laker Girls Cheer, The Song That Goes Like This (my joint fave), Find Your Grail, Run Away!, Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life, You Won’t Succeed On Broadway (my other joint fave), His Name Is Lancelot and I’m All Alone.

Favourite Character: Sir Robin, the Not-Quit-So-Brave-as-Sir-Lancelot

His geekiness surrounding musical theatre and his big number about them not knowing any Jews just did it for me!

[cielospeaks]

i havent done one of these since imaginary numbers huh. ok then, event review of that- golden week/waltz

Story- 5/10. im half glad it didnt end up being the dr roman angstfest that a lot of fans wanted it to be (hated that in cf, absolutely insulting to a good character/good characters). tho im sure itll come back into play eventually, esp if the fans want it. the actual story was meh, not bad but not any emotion tbh. ill take what i can get. i think if it had been like the first 2ish yrs of fgo i wouldve enjoyed it a lot more, but stuff like later part 1, 1.5, and all of lb 5 save atlantis has sapped all my enjoyment of that sorta stuff.

Free servant- 6/10. i dont feel super strongly towards ecchan, negative or positive. i really dont like the entire concept of “servant universe” bc its so forced and contradicts itself just by existing (”the lore doesnt matter” the lore never fucking mattered and you know it), and takes something that could be cool (like, that is, another planet in distant space where the same characters live but like. in space! which would be funny and fun) but gives it the most pretentious explanation and name that it takes all the fun out of it. i do like her monty python reference (tho thats another bag of worms towards my gripes at fgo, how that has to only be for jokes and the actual arthurian stuff is super irritatingly pompous and self absorbed) and her design is cute enough, and foreigner is appreciated bc i dont like a lot of them (or dont have interest in rolling them lol)

Gacha servant- 5/10. i mean, conspiracy theories that werent proven correct that i had, i wasnt expecting them to be, but who doesnt hope to see your favorite literary character appear? even if its unlikely. as it was i have no desire to roll so im happily sitting this one out and saving for sigurd/nemo/whoever

Event gameplay- 7/10. it wasn’t bad? it wasn’t anything new, but it wasn’t annoying which is nice. i hear its like summer 3 and i can see the similarity. its less complicated than that imo. in all i dont mind it. i liked the center mechanic and getting to listen more to the insert songs (still sad none of the last 4, since i rlly like scathach’s song esp), i found i rlly like serenity’s one!

Other- 6/10. the costumes were the central part imo, since they were pretty nice. i had almost all the featured servants (no jeanne or altera) but id rather have had okita get an outfit. i dont hate neros outfit, tho a lot of ppl give her hate. i mostly feel bad for ushi bc the side of her thats always pushed makes me more inclined to look at her unfavorably, but who she really is i dont have a problem with. in any case im annoyed no okita costume, but i can hope for the future/rerun/ect. a costume shop in the game permanently would be nice (adding in longtime teased outfits like apron or school outfit medusa, maid deon and sailor astolfo, ect). myroom was ok, i liked the pre event one much more than any of the event ones, and im a little annoyed it changed so frequently (preferred ecchan apt over miss crane studio, since we arent even supposed to be able to see it? what)

Overall- 6/10.

there was a lot of hate and i think the event wasnt marketed the best tbh. i think the fgo team is. not really the best at this or not trying since other games/series have become very popular, and its a little frustrating/disparaging to see (not that the fans are helping it any). tho tbh i probably enjoyed this as much as i wouldve a prototype, or tsukihime, or whatever other thing collab, heck i probably enjoyed it more than those two. i guess more than this ofc i wanted an extella collab (archimedes when) and i wouldnt mind arcade if it meant getting setanta. but thats that, i think a costume shop/regular costumes could improve fan reaction but idk and really it doesnt matter to me what fans think.

as far as other events since imaginary numbers:

christmas: 4.5/10. didnt hate it as much as like. the saber wars 2 (killed halloween) or req or meihouso (for what they did to my boy), but def abt the tier of guda4, ect. i didnt enjoy the free servant much, mostly bc it felt really joyless to have a santa that doesnt even dress up as santa (i know thats the haha funny joke but it was rlly boring compared to arcade’s cute suzuka)

tengu event: 4/10. mostly for (we dont talk abt this), but besides that kinda meh. i didnt really like the plot mechanic of the event, it felt really forced w the “chibi cu-style servant is cute uwu” thing thats forced in our faces for the millionth time w nothing new added. the new servant seemed like she should be gacha, which was annoying (felt like they only had a new servant bc of no free servant at gudaguda 5)

galatea event: 5/10. it wasnt like anything good or bad? just kinda meh. galatea is fine but i had no interest in rolling for her.

valentines: 5/10. also meh. not really anything of interest. im still peeved that they do that annoying thing w chocolates so i only used lockon chocos this year.

white day: 4.5/10. ces were even worse than last years, and the story was really meh as well. i dont care either way abt no new servant, but im glad they gave the black and red “phantom thief” aes to amakusa, bc it means hopefully if lupin (or anyone else) appears they wont be haha funny reference (unless its to lupin the third bc that would be good)

[owlsinathens]

@micktaylored omg I just went to answer your ask and deleted it accidentally 😭

I think you asked 💙💛💜?

💙 I already answered that one in a previous ask :)

💛 What movie would they watch when one of them had a bad day? Which movie never fails to cheer them up?

Ah, movies... I have so many headcanons for this, so I'll share a few of them.

I could see Jon as very eclectic. In my current story he's into Martial Arts films, but then I could also see him as an independent film fan. Buddy movies like Lethal Weapon or Rush Hour would probably be right up his alley too (once a crow...) And then sometimes he's in the mood for something ridiculous... and I'm talking of Monty Python level of ridiculous. Holy Grail? Jon can speak all the dialogues. Life of Brian? Jon will die on the spot if you reference that one. Oh, and Jon likes fantasy films.

Theon, on the other hand, I imagine as an adventure film fan. Favourite: Indiana Jones, Theon would just love to be indy. He loves historical adventure films, like Pirates of the Caribbean (yay pirates!), or Gladiator (where Theon cheers for Commodus because Joaquin Phoenix is hotter than Russell Crowe. Jon is horrified.) or Robin Hood. Theon also knows all Disney songs by heart, although he wouldn't ever admit to that. Oh, and you want to watch a chick flic? Theon's your man. He has regular movie dates with Sansa from which he comes home calling everything 'fetch' and driving Jon up the walls.

💜 What small things do they love about each other? What quirk drive them insane?

Theon is very good at driving Jon insane. It's literally his superpower. Especially Theon's propensity to ogle himself in any reflecting surface to see if his outfit still looks good. Which it always does, of course. Also I always imagine Theon as a bit of a clutterer, a bit sloppy. He's got an artistic eye so while Jon is more of a black and white guy he loves Theon's knack for colour and decoration, even if it's a bit overwhelming at times. He loves Theon's spontaneity, the way he sings or hums or whistles to himself when pottering around (sometimes Jon hates exactly that, but mostly it makes him smile) Jon hates it when Theon steals the blankets at night, always retaliating by pressing his icy feet against Theon's and waking him up.

As for Jon, his fucking hair. Theon loves Jon's hair, but Drowned Fucking God it's everywhere. In the shower drain. In his socks. On his pillow. Theon also really doesn't like Jon's the-glass-is-half-empty approach on life. He rolls his eyes when Jon is stressing him half an hour before they even have to leave the house - but then without that Theon would be perpetually late, so. Or that Jon absolutely hates losing. Monopoly is impossible, if he doesn't get the good streets he'll pout for days. Once he didn't speak to Theon for a full two days because he sent him home at Ludo. But then Jon will stick out his tongue when concentrating, and Theon melts into a puddle. Worth letting him win. Theon also loves when he makes a lewd joke and Jon makes the most innocently shocked face.

Ugh, there's so much more but I'll stop here or this'll get way too long (it already is omg)

I would love to know others' opinions about this! What do you think?

Hi everybody! It's Greysnow time! (Ok well it's always Greysnow time in my world but...)

Today is Friday (yay! TGIF!) and I need some distraction to pass the last, long, dreary af workday before the weekend.

Here are some OTP questions I found on various sites. Please (with bambi eyes and sugar on top 🥺) pick one and send to me – but I don't just want to blare my headcanons into the world, I would also love to know what you think! If you're comfortable with this, please share your own headcanon about the OTP question you ask 🥰

I guess I don't have to specify my OTP... 😬

💙 Who would sing a love song for the other, in which situation, and how would the other react to it?

💚 Who worries about how they will look when they're older? Do they think they'll still be together?

💜 What small things do they love about each other? What quirk drives them insane?

💛 What movie would they watch when one of them had a bad day? Which movie never fails to cheer them up?

❤️ How do they fall asleep? In which position do they wake up in the morning?

🖤 Who plays the better pranks on the other? How does the other react/retaliate?

🤍 What songs remind them of each other?

🧡 What little things would they do for each other to cheer their partner up if one is in a bad mood?

🤎 What do they consider a romantic date? Who iniates them?

[cloakedsparrow]

DC Ficlet: Jason Todd, Stealthy Big Brother.

Jason doesn’t really do the big brother thing. Why should he? He’s crap at it. He’s literally beaten his little brother nearly to death and that’s about as piss-poor a job one can do at being a big brother. He can count the number of conversations he’s had with Cassandra on one hand.

Tim would probably feel safer with one of Gotham’s crooked cops watching his back and Cassandra doesn’t really need anyone watching out for her. Besides, they have each other. And Dick.

Dick is awesome at the whole big brother thing. He looks out for his siblings without making them feel overprotected or smothered. He gives advice without sounding like he’s lecturing his siblings or speaking down to them. He sets a good example for his siblings without making them feel inferior. He explains things with patience and listens with a gentle smile. He tells stories that make Cassandra laugh and gives Tim little half-hugs that relieve some of the tension in his shoulders, if only for a little while.

So, if anyone were to ask, Jason would just explain that its better he leave all that fraternal devotion to Dick.

Only, sometimes, he doesn’t. He just doesn’t let anyone else in the family know.

Like the time he noticed Tom and Cassandra were on edge at one of those swanky galas Bruce occasionally made them attend (Jason sneaked in) after a rough couple nights on patrol. When a sleazy business man made a joke about not being able to recall Tim’s name because he was ‘just the latest of Wayne’s orphans’, his sister practically growled and his little brother looked as if he’d been struck. Jason wanted to punch the asshole, but that would be too obvious and possibly a little hypocritical. So Jason shifted close enough that Tim and Cassandra would hear him but without being in their line of sight. He spoke loudly enough for them and the asshole to hear.

“There are those who call him...Tim.”

He’d noticed Cassandra and Tim had recently discovered Monty Python and sure enough, Cassandra laughed outright at the reference while Tim hid a little smile as he took a sip of his sparkling cider. The reference went right over the asshole’s head but a couple of the other people nearby seemed to get it. It definitely ensured that they remembered Tim’s name the next time.

Another time, Jason had been on his way back home from handling some business in his territory when he’d spotted Tim, in his Robin uniform, catnapping on a hard to reach rooftop. He knew the kid didn’t get enough sleep so he didn’t want to wake him. Instead, he waited on a nearby rooftop where he could quickly take out anyone who might come along to threaten his brother or drop down out of sight when Tim awoke.

Once, he’d seen Cassandra walking down a somewhat busy street at night. She was in civvies and clearly trying to navigate the city without using the rooftops or grappling hooks she normally would. Jason didn’t offer to help or even get close enough for Cassandra to see him, but he followed her and occasionally made a sound or paid a street kid to draw her attention toward the direction she needed whenever she looked frustrated. He didn’t leave until she made it to the diner where she was meeting her friend.

Actually, he didn’t leave until he saw her inside with Stephanie. He knew those two together would be fine.

There was also an incident where Jason had spotted Robin and Batgirl ditching their motorcycles in an alley in order to pursue some of The Penguin’s goons down to the sewers. He knew the area was full of thieves who would gladly strip even a known hero’s vehicle for a few bucks from the chop shop (he’d been such a thief, once). He waited near the bikes, effectively scaring off anyone who might have tried to mess with them.

He knew Tim and Cassandra would have been able to get home on their own either way. He knew they could have repaired any damage done to their bikes themselves. He knew they could suck up one asshole’s cruel comment. He knew they could take care of themselves.

That didn’t mean he thought they should have to.

One thing all of the Wayne siblings had in common was that they’d all had no one at one point. Even if that wasn’t true in the most technical sense, they’d known it. They’d felt how alone they were in the world. Jason understood that.

He wanted to make sure his little brother and sister never felt that way again.

Better than anyone, he also understood the dangers Tim and Cassandra faced as part of the Bat Family. He didn’t want them to face that alone either, even if they didn’t realize who was watching out for them.

And they would figure out that someone had helped them sometimes. They were smart, observant kids. They had to be to do what they did and to do it so well. They knew they weren’t just lucky. They just weren’t likely to think of Jason when they considered who had been watching their backs.

At least, he thought they wouldn’t.

But then one day, Jason needed to stop by the cave to ‘borrow’ some chemicals he knew Bruce kept on hand. On his way, he’d passed Cassandra, who was working her way through a copy of a big print version of Grimm’s Fairy Tales that Jason had left in her batlocker (without a note).

Without any ado, Cassandra lifted the book slightly and said “Thanks. I like it,” before returning her focus to the story she was reading.

Jason didn’t say anything, but he left a copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland in her batlocker the next time he was there.

A couple months later, Jason found himself on the wrong side of an ambush when Black Mask decided to make yet another bid for his territory. Jason was holding his own, but he had to admit the fight could have gone either way. That was, until Robin dropped out of nowhere and Black Mask’s men suddenly found themselves surrounded. (Well, by two kids, but they were Batkids who were trained by Batman, Lady Shiva and The League of Shadows, so the odds were close enough to even).

When they were watching from a nearby roof as the police gathered all the men they’d left incapacitated, Jason figured he should say something to Tim, only he wasn’t sure what. The boy had no reason to get involved in the fight; he’d likely get an earful from Bruce later for it and he’d definitely received some bruised (if not cracked) ribs for his trouble. Before Jason could work out what to say, Tim spoke up.

“Don’t worry about it. You’d have done the same.”

Jason certainly would have, he just hadn’t realized that Tim knew that.

Tim left without another word and they never talked about it, but the next time Jason found Tim napping on a rooftop, he moved to wait next him instead of watching over from a distance. Tim woke enough to register who was approaching him (Jason expected no less) but simply rested his head against Jason’s bicep once he’d settled and went back to napping.

As far as the rest of the Bat Family and their associates were concerned, Jason still wasn’t a very good big brother. No one ever saw him talking to his siblings or helping them out like Dick did. He didn’t offer advice or listen to their troubles.

Tim and Cassandra knew they could count on him though, when it came down to it. They knew there was one more person out there who thought of them and cared about them. And they recognized all the little ways he showed it.

So Jason didn’t do the big brother thing, not the way Dick did, not the way others thought he should. It didn’t matter. He had a little brother and sister who thought of him, and cared about him and who would be there if he needed.

He figured he was doing something right.

If he ever asked (not that he would), Tim and Cassandra would agree.

[evenstevensranked]

#46: Season 3, Episode 14 - “Dirty Work”

This episode was pretty popular. Ren and Principal Wexler have a falling out after she starts to realize he assigns her all of his “dirty work.” So, Larry Beale ends up temporarily taking over as Wexler’s student assistant. Petty drama ensues. Meanwhile, during the plot everyone remembers: Louis decides to start his own "Lumberjack Club" as an excuse to slack off in school. Where all they do is hang around, speak with semi-hillbilly accents, eat pancakes and wear flannels.

Let me start off by saying... To this day, people fondly remember the Lumberjack Club as if it were some major thing, but in reality it was only a (very) small subplot. That’s crazy to me. I did my research, and this Lumberjack Club plot resonated with people so much that students were directly inspired to start their own Lumberjack Clubs at school irl. I’m not joking. Here are some more examples. 

All of these clubs have basically the same mission statement as Louis’ and were formed in the Early 2000s. This alone made me feel like I should rank the episode much higher for “iconic” points. Buuuut, this was never one of my personal favorites *gasp!* and that’s outweighing a lot of things for me. So, please know that I had an extreme internal struggle when deciding where to put this one. I was originally going to rank this around #59-55. But, I didn’t think that was fair enough to the ~cultural impact~ it made, and decided to put it here at #46. That being said… let’s get into it.

This one opens with Coach Tugnut driving up to his school parking spot singing “‘cause I got a brand new suit, and pair of shoes to match! I wish I had a mustache—“ before he gets cut off by Ren. I just felt like those lyrics were worth sharing honestly. She tells him that Wexler has ordered his parking spot to be moved a block and a half away from the school. We find out the reason why when Wexler comes driving up in a new red convertible. He wanted that spot for himself. Idk why Wexler needed Tugnut’s spot though? Surely he has his own prominent spot? He asks Ren to look into some “Lumberjack Club” he came across while looking over the school budget.

What is up with Ren’s pants, btw? This outfit always bothered me. When I was young I always thought they were, like.. freaking Louis Vuitton pants or something, lol. I mentioned before that her wardrobe starts to include loud patterns and gives off an overall “older” and stuffy vibe towards the end of the series. 

The camera pans over to Louis and Twitty, who are accepting and signing off on a syrup delivery. They recycle their code names (Lars Honeytoast and Frenchie Von Richter) from an earlier episode in the series when accepting the order. The delivery man refers to Twitty as "Mr. Honeytoast." This is such a small thing that’s easy to miss, but it’s awesome and top notch casual continuity! I really like it.

It’s “New England’s Finest” syrup. I’m from Boston. This pleases me, tbh.

It cuts to Lumberjack Club! Where Louis, Twitty, Tawny and Tom are cooking pancakes and celebrating the fact that they’ve upgraded their syrup to premium quality, lol. “Lumber Tawn” asks “Lumber Lou” (yes, these are the nicknames they’ve given themselves) to tell them how he came up with the idea for the club again. Louis goes on to tell the story of the club’s origins. The hillbilly accent really kicks in now, accentuated by bluegrass music in the background. He starts off by saying “Well, ‘bout two weeks ago, when yous kids was much younger… everyone was siiignin’ up for cluuuubs.” That is one of my favorite lines though. Not gonna lie. He explains that anyone could get money to form a club as long as they got 50 signatures. So he decided to create a Lumberjack Club after remembering his “deep and loyal love for the pancake.” Incredible. 

Dat face tho.

Right about now is when Ren comes walking in, finding the four of them toasting to The Lumberjack. (See first image.) She grills them about what kind of club they are and what sort of things they do. Louis starts pulling crap out of his butt saying “We sing Lumberjack Songs.” Ren asks them to sing one and it’s great. None of them are in sync. They’re all making stuff up off the top of their heads and clashing miserably. The best part is Tom -- who’s repeatedly saying "Wood... Wood... Wood..." God bless Tom.

Louis says they’re “legit… with a big L!” “…and a small ‘egit’!” Twitty finishes. I feel like this is worth mentioning because one of the real-life clubs’ requirements for joining is that you have to “be legit.” Oh my god. Obviously, Ren vows to shut down the club.

Wexler surprises Ren with her own desk outside of his office. We’re getting into creepy territory again, guys. Wexler makes Ren, a 14-15 year old, do ALL OF HIS WORK while he goes out gallivanting in his new car. Remember when I said that Ren Stevens is basically the principal of Lawrence Jr. High…? Well, this episode really exemplifies that and takes it to a new level. She literally takes over as principal. How is this not illegal?

One of her tasks for the day is to fire the school janitor. Wow. (Fun fact: Jackie the Janitor is played by Knobby Frostybump -- the old elf from the Lizzie McGuire Christmas episode lol) This is the last straw for Ren. She confronts Wexler and quits being his assistant. But much like in Ren-Gate, that doesn’t last long. Over the course of a period, she gets all emo and decides she wants her job back. But, oh no! When she goes back to the office, guess who’s already taken over for her? Larry Beale. Dang, that was fast.

Another lazy name flub happens again here. Larry is polishing his nameplate and it reads "Lawrence M. Beale" when earlier in the series they say his full name on a few different occasions and it's "Lawrence Anthony Beale." I don't understand why something like this is so difficult to remember?! Although, I actually always thought it was weird that Larry's middle name was Anthony because Louis’ full name is Louis Anthony Stevens. Even weirder... The actor who plays Beans is named Steven Anthony Lawrence. What a strange coincidence. 

Ren and Wexler are being extremely passive aggressive towards each other while Larry sits there gloating. Out of spite, Ren decides to become Tugnut's new assistant instead. Like he even needs one. It becomes a petty, all out war between the pairs.

It’s Larry’s job to shut down Lumberjack Club now, so he busts into their meeting the next day. I’m pretty sure they’re not even going to class anymore. They hired a marimba player named Nate to entertain them during club meetings — which I think is absolutely hilarious. It might just be because I'm a musician, but any music-related humor kills me. I mean, a MARIMBA PLAYER?! And this dude is such a Jazz cat. It’s great. This is honestly probably my favorite scene in the whole episode:

So, yeah. Lumberjack Club needs to make an educational presentation in order to stay a thing.

Tugnut is chilling in a lawn chair, eating a burrito and telling his life story (”I thought about moving to Canada, but I don’t speak Canadian...”) while Ren does work on his car. Now she’s a mechanic. This is child abuse, I swear. She’s about to quit as his assistant, but she looks up and sees Larry and Wexler blissfully driving around in his convertible. She gets jealous and keeps working for Tugnut. These student/teacher relationships are so, so strange and not appropriate. Let’s be real... 

Anyway, the whole assistant war thing starts to come to an end when it becomes obvious that Ren is much more qualified and has a better relationship and understanding with Wexler than Larry does. Larry royally messes up as Wexler's assistant and ends up doing a lot of things wrong. Including inviting Wexler’s mother to school, putting nutmeg in his coffee, and forgetting to pay Wexler’s car insurance bill. (Really, what adult would trust a 14-15 year old to pay their bills…) 

Louis organizes the most impressive Lumberjack Club presentation ever within a few hours at the most. I do like seeing Louis at least fully see his schemes through, though. So that’s nice, I guess.

It’s like a freaking carnival.

Nate returns as the musical entertainment. I love this guy, lol. Everything’s going well, until Louis and Twitty chop down a tree during a demonstration which falls on Wexler’s car. Ouch. Wexler’s devastated and sobbing, but manages to mutter “Look what they’ve done to my sweet, sweet ride!” through tears. That made me laugh harder than I probably should’ve. Wexler faints when he finds out Larry didn’t send the insurance payment, and nowww Ren is responsible for Wexler’s literal life. 

Something always gotta go wrong. Louis was actually sort of pulling this whole Lumberjack thing off.

Wexler could be on his deathbed right now and it’s up to Ren to save him. Wow. “Breathe, Principal Wexler! Breathe!!!”

Turns out Ren sneakily sent out the insurance payment the other day and everything’s fine. The episode ends with Ren becoming Wexler’s assistant again. The end. 

So yeah, that’s it. I’m still shocked at how short the Lumberjack Club plot actually is. Pretty crazy how it somehow managed to burn itself into the memories of so many people. I’m also like, 99% positive it was inspired by this Monty Python skit. There’s even a song playing during the school presentation that’s near identical melodically (and lyrically a bit) to the one sung in this skit. The fact that it’s just a subplot also affected my ranking, because I’m not the biggest fan of this episode’s main plot. I love Larry/Ren conflict.. but this situation is just... slightly annoying to me for some reason. ALSO! I realized the other day that I should base my rankings on character development, as well. I’ve actually been doing that subconsciously so far, I think. Barring a few, the majority have been filler episodes basically. No material that actually advances the overall arc of the show. Just random, silly plots -- which makes it difficult for me to really consider it a “good” or “great” episode. And unfortunately, that’s what Lumberjack Club is to me. I’m so sorry. I just love these characters so much, so when there’s little to no character growth in an episode.. it sort of bothers me. I know the show is silly, but there’s a lot of heart there as well. Episodes that have a little meat to them are the ones I’m more fond of. 

We’ve officially reached the point in my list where I drew a line separating the lower half from the better half though, guys! The ball’s really rolling now. I’m excited. 

Thanks for reading! Were you a Lumberjack Club fan? Did you start your own?! Please, do tell. Haha. 

Twitter | Facebook | Instagram