#this may be the worst ive been doing ever. i just sleep. all day. if i wasnt so tired and lazy i would be dead already

[fel0ny-01]

Anyway, continuing from my month hiatus I am here to give you: 141’s phobias!

Soap - Fear of Needles

John MacTavish, the almighty sergeant from the highly regarded task force 141. The youngest candidate to ever pass SAS selection, the man who disarms bombs for a living, who’s been stabbed more times than he can count on both of his hands, who is unafraid to stand in the face of death and spit on his boot, is afraid of needles. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being afraid of needles, it’s a common fear, yes? A lot of people have it. But not to the extent that Soap has it.

Trips to medical are a nightmare, if someone even mentions the possibility of blood work or iv’s, his heart rate doubles and he’s thrashing and trying to get out of there. Not even Ghost can calm him down.

He usually has to be sedated (which is the worst part because you need to make sure 1. That he doesn’t notice, and 2. the needle doesn’t snap with the force that he’s using to try and get away) to even think about getting a needle in any part of his body. And even then he’s fighting to get away. He will literally do anything to run, even when they have the hardest grip on his arm, he’d rather it rip off or dislocate than get a needle in his arm.

Due to this fear, he only goes to medical if he’s forced, threatened with discharge or unconscious. Stitches are also a nightmare as-well, he would rather bleed out than get a needle pushed through his skin with thread.

Price - Fear of being alone

Price’s fear is usually something he tries to conceal from the others. The other 3 share their experiences openly, (well almost openly, it had to take a bit of opening up from Ghost) but eventually they were all able to make adjustments for each other.

And Price insisted that he didn’t have anything that would interfere with their line of work, but this one interferes the most. Each and every mission they take, Price is full of anxiety and is always tense because at any moment could he lose each and every one of his boys.

Only when they get back to base safe does he ever actually relax, all the anxiety seeps from his body because his boys are okay, Kate is okay.

He eliminates every single one of the things that may endanger the ones he loves, even if it means breaking a few rules to get there.

On the worst days, he can’t sleep on his own so he usually sleeps on the floor beside Gaz, until the sergeant forces him into bed so that he can properly rest. He has a little clue of what’s going on, but he doesn’t want to pry about it until Price feels okay to open up about his fear.

Ghost - Fear of mirrors

Something about looking in a mirror or any reflection sends chills down Ghost’s spine. It sends his body into fight or flight whilst he desperately tries to figure out a way to tear his eyes away from the one thing that he’s afraid of.

A lot of people are scared of mirrors due to the fact that there could be something spiritual, or that there is another world behind a mirror, and that concept is terrifying.

But ghost is afraid of what’s in the mirror, what looks back at him every time he comes in contact with one, himself.

He didn’t get similar symptoms to Johnny, its more of a deer in headlights, his palms sweating and his heart racing, his reflection unmoving just like he was; not daring to make eye contact with the demon in the mirror, but now he’s decided to wear his mask, it’s much easier to pass by a mirror or even look into it, because he doesn’t see Simon Riley, he sees Ghost.

He’s working on it though, he promises.

Gaz - Fear of heights

Now Kyle didn’t have any fears prior to the helicopter incident. He just got on with things and made sure to dive headfirst into whatever he possibly could.

But after dangling out of a helicopter above a moving road with lots of cars with armed soldiers In them, it can do stuff to a guy.

Anytime he looks down from cliffs or even standing on top of a table to change one of the lightbulbs, nausea overcomes him and he starts to become dizzy, his head reeling as his entire body telling him he needs to throw up. More often than not, he passes out.

It wasn’t nice for anyone having to catch an unconscious sergeant from the top of a table after he threw his guts up onto the floor.

Usually he can switch off and just get on with zip lining but now he can’t do it without feeling like his insides are turning inside out, but nobody blames him.

[helioshellion]

hi im bucky and welcome to my long list of kiryu and majima headcanons mostly revolving around health related stuff bc that interests me. ive talked about it before but ive been wanting to reveal my mastermind plans for them. ive vaguely alluded to these all in my fics like friday night and phanto. anyways heres a list. may range from mildly nsfw but in a more medical way not a sexual manner since idc about that sort of thing

KIRYU

So for Kiryu he is a trans man who forgets his t injections every day of his life. every time he gets out of prison he has to restart on it and every time he has to go through all the initial stages once again like an evil cycle of hormones.

He has extreme nerve damage in his hands/fingertips due to severe hypothermia suffered at the end of Yakuza 5, and therefore cannot feel in his hands anymore.

Also suffers from a migraine disorder.

He deals with a very prominent compartmentalization problem stirred by his ever-changing life stages. A sort of out-of-sight-out-of-mind mentality born out of his fear of losing absolute control over his life. This goes hand-in-hand with general low empathy.

This also results in an extremely flippant attitude towards both sex and romance. He is not committal at all and does not imagine himself settling down. He is a reserved person, but he doesn’t shy away from sex. He lives in Kamurocho, after all. He’s just mostly desensitized and is mostly neutral towards it as he gets older.

 Yes hes bisexual love wins. But he has a low opinion of the men in his life thinking them callous and more difficult than he wants to deal with. This increases with his age and the worse the villains get. He almost has a mentality of needing to Win and Be Won in regards to romance. He must Prove Himself, or someone else must prove themself to Him.

Oh yeah and TMJ sorry to his jaw.

His life is in constant disarray and his self-contained environments reflect this. His living spaces are messes. Ashtrays filled with countless stamped cigarettes and shelves lined with half-eaten food and beer cans. He doesn’t want to be regarded as sloppy but theres something in his brain that makes him struggle with Cleaning his own spaces. There’s something about his mind that likes the control he has TO mess up his own space.

He has several single-tooth partial dentures mostly in his molar area. he has one prosthetic canine tooth.

He is no-op in regards to his transition. T has shrunk his chest enough that it sags loosely. If you’re curious, he’s dry as a desert down there. sorry.

He doesn’t exactly have a circadian rhythm. He sleeps and wakes up whenever he wants, and his brain does not register Night/Day. Meaning he could sleep through an entire day and his brain will not register sunlight. This results in getting him up to be extremely. Extremely difficult.

Big one, he lives with something like CTE. (Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (double parantheses because this condition cannot usually be diagnosed while someone is alive)) Which exemplifies his already present suicidal ideation and depression. Out of anyone in the series Kiryu has taken some of the Worst bodily trauma over a LONG period of time. It has taken a toll on his body and mind.

MAJIMA

Oh boy!

Majima has a hormone imbalance ever since the hole. if you remember in my fic Phanto I alluded to him being completely impotent and sterile due to a castration in the hole. He has gynecomastia and hypothyroidism but has no qualms about it. He’s not dysphoric about it at all, and tries to stay extremely vigilant about his testosterone intake (tgel, needles scare him).

Because of the above he has little to no sex drive, not to mention the extreme trauma relations to it. He has complexes on top of complexes about it. So he just doesn’t do it.

He has a weak right knee, which is the one he uses to kick/attack as he’s able to use his stronger leg as support. His arms and legs are longer than his torso, and he has an extreme slouch, which presents itself as a very permanent slouch crease on his stomach fold.

He has a distrust of men, mostly older than him, and is not a cis man, although he doesn’t have the language to describe himself or his sexuality. He’s old and doesn’t feel the need to.

Blatantly, not even just a Me headcanon, but Majima does have a mentality of needing to be beaten in order to fall in line. In relation to pretty much everything in his life. It’s much stronger the younger he is, and weakens as he gets older, aided by his improving mental state. By 7′s time, and he is an emotionally healthy person. Hiccups are to be expected, but they’re nothing to shame or be ashamed for.

In Dead Souls he discusses needing to keep his hair cut at an exact measurement. He is a massive micromanager in regards to Anything at any given moment. His living arrangements are extremely empty and uncreative.

The younger him was extremely flippant about caring for his eye, which resulted in several infections and close calls. It’s one of the reasons he decides to get his eye exenterated when he’s older. Somewhat of a symbolic thing as he works through his trauma, letting go of this thing that has clung to him, Literally an Infection. He changes things up, and lives happier for it. He wouldn’t have been alive it hadn’t been for Nishida.

He is one of the most intelligent people in the. Yakuza Team or whatever. Regardless of his deteriorating memory issues, he reads like a motherfucker and can beat anyone in almost any mind-game.

This is a byproduct of not considering the Kiwamis (majima everywhere and majima construction) as canon, but my Majima is very heavily inspired by 1, 2, and the movie iterations of Majima. Meaning, he is not a generally “nice” person. He is extremely empathetic, and reads people very well, but he tends to hold these qualities over peoples heads when he’s younger. As he gets older, these qualities shift to more. Altruistic purposes. He isn’t nice, but he is an understanding person.

I also shift the timeline around to place his marriage with Mirei before the events of 0 to allow better, smoother story progression. And I’m not going to handwave away anything he did because oh yeah did he fuck up.

Speaking of relationships, if Majima were to ever, he would be Very Attached. He is monogamous by heart, and is more about mental connections over inherently sexual or romantic. He is a One-and-Done person. He isn’t flippant like Kiryu, and holds an extreme amount of value in loyalty and love. He is not one for more monetary romantic gestures. He values touching a lot more, but discourages touching HIM. He’s stone. He feels love in being the one to touch, and for his partner to Be touched By Him. And I’m not talking about sexual practices or anything. But if that did progress to that, expect similar results.

However, adding to that, he is not going to try to “make things work” in any way. He will walk away if requested, and he will walk away at the inclination of things Just not working out. He jumps to conclusions quickly, but it is for good reason. Knowing when to bow out keeps him alive.

Back to body stuff. He has dentures along his entire bottom jaw. His top teeth are very discolored from smoking, resulting in a visible difference between his top and bottom teeth.

And whatever here’s Kazumaji bullshit too because I am predictable.

They’re more friends than lovers, if that makes sense. Regardless of the amount of love shared between them, their lives are a long string of boats passing by. Their loyalty for each other is extremely strong, and underlying love does carry this, but they can’t exactly settle down anytime soon. Majima talks to him as a confidant, not as a lover, and Kiryu speaks to him the same. It’s almost more intimate in a way. Neither of them put up fronts when they’re alone. They are both private together, speaking to each other ways they’d never speak to anyone else.

If we’re on a scale, Kiryu is the more romantically affectionate one. He’s the one who thinks of dates, who thinks of kissing, who thinks of whatever else. Majima doesn’t initiate any of this due to his before-said complexes on top of complexes.

Yet, on the flip side, Majima is the one who could most easily fall into domesticity. It’s something he’s fantasized for himself ever since he was a boy, and something he cast aside immediately following the hole. He imagined a family impossible for him, and has attempted to cast aside that part of himself. But there’s no destroying Who you Are. He wants to be a tender person. Once Saejima, his strongest familial relationship, returns, he lets that side of himself regain a foothold in his brain.

This is both supported and contradicted by canon depending on the game, but I’ll settle on one. Despite Majima’s reservations and trauma, he is more trusting than Kiryu in a lot of situations. (In Yakuza 2: “There’s nothing wrong with putting your trust in a guy...”) Kiryu will tend to be cynical and have to be “won” in order for him to put his trust in you. Majima, however, will put his trust if he feels he can, but is very liberal with rescinding it.

Kiryu goes through a phase in his romantic relationship with Majima where he feels unwanted due to Majima’s low intimacy drive. The only way that’s resolved is by talking. There’s a lot of things they cannot get out of their relationship with each other, and that’s absolutely fine. They find other things to make it work.

On the flip side....... Kiryu’s revolving-door life results in Majima feeling cast aside again and again. It’s not that Kiryu thinks of hurting Majima, but his idea of romance is very different to Majima’s. He thinks he can just put on a new skin and live out an entirely different life as a different person. This is what causes their relationship to fizzle out time and time again. Their relationship is a very, very unstable wave. It’ll be strong, weak, whatever. The bottom line is that they’re never going to be able to reach that Perfect Meeting Point.

BUT this is all from Yakuza 1-6....Post 7, and I have no idea! Maybe they can try again and see themselves more successful due to their Very different life circumstances. Without the clan to hold either of them back, maybe they can make things work. However, I can’t imagine them ever making anything “”official”” as in calling each other boyfriend Or getting married. Their relationship is strange and tumultuous but they genuinely. wholeheartedly Love each other.

[shilo-sumac]

Parasect - Have you ever been affected by Status Effects? If yes, how did it feel like? (Like falling asleep to Spore, being burned by Will-O-Wisp, being paralyzed by Thunderwave, etc.)

ooooh yeah like. a lot. a lot a lot. comes with the job and having no sense of self preservation. i guess ill just erm.... list them all >:3c

soooo stuff like spore and hypnosis makes me really groggy but i can handle two or three before i drop and start snoozing... ive always had issues with sleep so thats probably why? its not fun though of course. can make you loopy if you resist.

burns suck ass. not only do they hurt they fucking make you weaker, sap out strength. important to dressing them before they blister and get worse. will o wisp is particularly nasty, luckily havent been hit by that often, but the ghost energy really adds to the unpleasantness, feels like it hurts deeper than it should and the pain lasts longer than it would from an ember or flamethrower. something tried to scald me in the face once, im very glad i saw it coming and dodged.

freeze isnt one ive dealt with too much luckily, funnily enough it can feel kinda like a burn. frostbite is a lot more common especially if youre handling certain ice types without gloves. extremely not fun. do not recommend.

paralysis i fucking hate paralysis. thunderwave is the worst. not being able to move makes me panic really bad. can also tingle and make you feel weird for a few days afterward. a stun spore can make your lungs and throat and skin feel weird like a week.

poison is one of the most varied feelings. it can be shooting pain, burning pain, itching, pulsing, stabbing, localized or all over your body. if i described each one wed be here forever. remember your antidotes!!!

dunno if it counts but confusion sucks too. i already dislike being dizzy and it's just that amped up to 1000. feels like being drunk but without the fun parts. plus you get the added benefit of a headache if it was a move that uses sound.

i think i got everything 0: i... may get injured a lot. x3

[molluskmirage]

tips and tricks I have learned in my 9 years of being mostly bedridden from ME/CFS

the first 5 years of illness was a battle and hellscape I physically dont have the capacity to process emotionally and if thats were your at as well your incredible friend, I have finally managed to get security payments and a place to live (much to be desired but its way way away from the dire circumstances I was under for years. my heart goes out to those in situations I was in)

Tip number 1:

-reframing and restructuring my goals and expectations

I was able to do this by saying that sick me is different then able bodied me. Sick me is accomplished for each day they make it to the next day. It also comes from recognizing the ‘idols’ or those that came before me in my same position and looking up to them and gleaning their knowledge. Jessica Kellegren-Fozard has been this idol for me. She goes about life with grace, love and wonder and has taught me alot on how to navigate a disabled life and to love it and have fun with it.

tip 2:

-discovering what limits my body has and keeping within those parameters (no matter how pitiful or limited it may feel) staying inside the limits means I can do more overall and refrain from boom and bust crashes

tip 3:

-REST DAYS. what an abled bodied person can accomplish in a day I might be able to do in a week. Do something one day then the next day rest. Rinse and repeat.

tip 4:

-if you ignored rest days or simply find yourself in a crash the adrenaline kick you get that makes you feel like you have energy and should do something is a trap, rest. Rest day for you! If you’ve rested and rested and rested and feel the worst youve ever felt and so hopeless that youll never return to even your base line that is the day before you are actually getting better, keep resting and cheer yourself on and comfort yourself your doing amazing.

tip 5:

-get any aid device you feel you need, (even if you feel like well maybe I dont need it maybe im just exaggerating. No. If it’s reasonably priced or you can get it through other means do. Aids are great) I love my cane. I love my rollater. Love my eyemask. Love my eyepatch. Love my shower stool. Love my sunglasses. Love my stand that holds my phone. Love my medicine bag. Love my trays that hold my miscellaneous aid tools. Love my humidifier and heater. Love my weighted blanket. Love my fidget toys and my kalimba. Would love to see if an oxygen tank might help not sure on how to go about that yet and would love a wheelchair but would need a motorized one and cant afford it (also for me I wouldn’t be able to use it much because i cant sit up for long)

tip 6:

-drinking electrolytes after my roughly weekly shower. This was a game changer for me really helped recovery rest day. Coconut water, lemon juice, gatorade, salt water, all good choices.

tip 7:

-celebrating my accomplishments. I choose to do this on the ‘birth’ of my sick self. The date of my illness was very clear and its a date I wont forget so why not make it a party to celebrate what Ive done throughout the year. Always when I approach this day I feel so down on myself because it often feels like I do literally nothing but lay in bed but when I actively go through the months and things I did on top of the victory of surviving another year I find Ive done much more then I give credit for and im so proud of myself.

tip 8:

-my weighted blanket is the greatest thing in the world. (This one may not apply for others as it can be rough to manage the heft but for me whose been an insomniac my entire life this absolutely changed my life and I can not sleep any other way, I feel like a door to door ((floor to floor)) salesman because all I want to do is share the good news)

tip 9:

-gaming has made a big impact for my social and emotional health and im very pleased and surprised by how much it has a positive effect. Very fortunately I was able to buy a device for a form fitting keypad and mouse its really great and made gaming possible with less pain.

tip 10:

-Keep a few food bars/snacks by bed.

this concludes my list off the top of my head. my eyes are getting tired now so I shall rest. Rest well other chronically ill friends!

[pwblogarchive]

May 2007

May 4, 2007

ryan ross lives in my house right now.

had a falling out with myself.

we just dont speak so much anymore.

theres nobody carrying weight.

nobody with hART and sole.

im sick but theres no hospital to fix this kind of thing.

i day dream at night.

i call em all in the air.

sometimes i get it right.

the things i keep inside are worth double the ones anyone knows about.

almost caught a break, but im pretty sure it was a bad throw.

youre always getting caught, so am i.

i guess we are into the same kind of things.

posted by xo at 7:35 PM

May 6, 2007

i like blowing out other peoples birthday candles and stealing their wishes.

days inn- kind of has a different meaning when its days INside my head.

shut my eyes to keep the world out.

who have you become vs. who you are supposed to be.

been shittalking so much with people who are asleep on the inside.

their veins are pumping blood but their hearts just arent in it.

they blow over legal limits and their organs have put in their two weeks notice.

sometimes i write to keep the world out.

but most of the time i write to keep my world inside.

you have no idea what i do while you sleep.

im having a 2/3rd life crisis.

i got boring.

somewhere along the way.

where the wild things are turned into where the wilde things are.

i have played russian roulette exactly once in my life.

it was the single worst thing i have ever done in my life.

it doesnt matter what the proportions are on the girl to my direct right.

or the way her heart flutters faster than a hummingbird.

just the way she looks at me sometimes.

everything about me hangs on that....

on another note, sometimes the best nights all rest on winds and conversations you have in them.

thanks.

posted by xo at 6:31 PM

May 10, 2007

“fucking nuts.”

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 12, 2007

"i can hardly stand living but im afraid to die"

semisweet shadows lit in backrooms

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

posted by xo at 11:19 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

fucking nuts.

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 13, 2007

“ground control to major tom…”

i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.

or when i dont smile.

like they want it to impact but be forgotten.

im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.

how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.

chaos in a wink of the eye.

and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.

what if i said its all in reverse-

iamalonewhentheyflyyououtofmylifelikeamothinforcedflightawayfromthelight.

the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.

a thumb and two fingers in.

i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.

put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.

let me change someones day.

posted by xo at 11:17 PM

May 17, 2007

“and”

if my conscience is a cricket then my heart is a wasp.

posted by xo at 12:20 AM

May 17, 2007

“semisweet shadows lit in backrooms”

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

god been thinking. its been awhile since ive done that.

except for "here and there"s

sick of all the speculation.

this means that, that means this.

this is really the only place i can speak to anyone without people in glass towers watching me.

commenting.

so thank you for that.

id do anything to keep this going forever.

even in my head when i wanted to be blown off this fucking planet i still hoped that little blue record kept spinning in your room.

the reason you havent seen a video of fall out boy on fuse is because of corporate litigation.

the same reasons for half of what makes this all feel like its falling apart.

we only did cribs because we thought it was funny. hopefully you are in on the joke. we rented fake cars, like ferraris and just goofed around the whole time.

didnt even know how to open the doors.

not sure if our sense of humor is gonna come across or whether it will be mtvified.

my best friend is a dog.

sometimes i miss being down all the time like it was a close friend that moved away.

but sometimes the inside of my head and my heart and my stomach all meet up into this wretched combination.

i just want to let myself be happy.

id give anything to not give up on this.

take care. sleep safe. i will write more when it comes to me.

May 20, 2007

i actually know someone whos middle name is danger

a cayahoga falling out. class four class five. id still take em. letters all over printed on every piece of luggage ever. you think you found gold every single time. she is the call just before the street lights go out. she is the minute before the alarm goes off. slurring and purring just like and engine or a cat after hes had a fifth. sometimes i hope i dont wake up, sometimes im scared that i wont. its funny how that scale works. its like our lady of justice peeking under the blindfold. if i could keep you still long enough id slip a rope around your finger or maybe even a silver band. detox to retox. hope and hype are just a letter off. sometimes, i try and forget that.

posted by xo at 12:03 PM

May 24, 2007

10 years at sea for one day on shore.

"And I can deal with some psychic pain

If it'll slow down my higher brain

Veins full of disappearing ink

Vomiting in your kitchen sink"

i can kind of see this thing going a couple of different ways. the screen pressed close against the side of my face. ear to the speaker cause i have smashed all the others that project the songs inside this stupid box. my face this close to the keys, taunting me. "i can do whatever i want"s, "i can eat my dinner in a fancy restraunt"s. there is no semblance of meaning. ice cold blue lips, vocal chords and toungue in the back of my head with everything i wish i could say. the tip of the iceberg of a credit check on the emotionally bankrupt. curse phone service or rejoice in it depending on which end of the line we are on. looking for the last life jacket on this sinking ship called life. throw your "overdramatic"s out the window. throw your "old you"s in your fucking face. i get it it. i got it. i gut it. the sun sets and rises on the same old mood. the world has become a dangerous place to me- in my head and outside of it. cant seem to shake it. all roads lead back nowhere. the wilderness of the inside of your brain- which seems to drive your body whenever your heart or crotch is not at the helm. i feel like a slow motion replay of a crash that never happened. wanted to be an anthem not an away message. most of the time dont want to be anything at all. when you are alone is when you audit yourself. you become who you truly are. or arent. there arent any cliffs to throw yourself upon and theres no romance in just: me.

last year i made a list of songs to listen to in the dark when you are all alone. i figured i would do the same again:

donny hathaway "a song for you"

eliott smith " a fond farewell"

the chemical brothers "close your eyes"

damien rice "9 crimes"

beck "lost cause"

beth hart "leave the light on"

the smashing pumpkins "ava adore"

david bowie "space oddity"

iron and wine "such great heights"

stevie wonder "they wont go"

saves the day "hold"

bjork "hyperballad"

bright eyes "coat check dream song"

prince "nothing compares 2 u"

the supremes "where did our love go"

ben folds "the luckiest"

jeff buckley "hallelujah"

i said "i kind of wish i was a pirate"

and she replied "you pretty much are"

how could i not love that?

May 25, 2007

everyone

is either full of diet pills or shit.

and usually its both.

May 30, 2007

“what has this become?”

a question only countered in some monster movie madness.

sometimes spewed out just before the

signal down.

the wizard of oz in reverse.

from color to black and white.

i am completely obsessed with everyone who is completely unobsessed with me.

or sometimes with life.

and by life i dont mean heartbeats and breathing.

i mean 9 to fives and becoming the suburbs.

the complete fuck off of it all being that i am completely obsessed with backyards, christmas trees and lemonaid stands.

its like the northshore is my heaven, the valley is my golden gates.

excuse mne for nodding off.

always boring myself to death.

take a chill pill.

the story of my life

the unauthorized biography written by myself.

i dont even remember saying goodbye to you.

happiness is the sand in the sea.

its just a percentage of a percentage inside a body of water,

life is just a crocodile with a ticking clock inside of it chasing captain hook.

its just i havent figured out this graceful aging thing so well yet.

im sorry baby. my heart is clumsy. but i love you in a holding your hair back kind of way.

just wanna dip my toe into death to see if its a warm bath.

anytime anything breaks me open ever i just spit out a fortune.

if it means anything i spend my time with a bunch of people who ignore the vibrant sky and just look for the pot of gold at the end.

addicted to addiction.

curiosity killed the cat. but what the fuck did loyalty ever get the dog.

May 31, 2007

"i dont believe...." anymore.

i have no words.

posted by xo at 5:47 PM

[marshmallowprotection]

Ngl that anon talking about having food issues during the apartment days with Saeyoung is like me but with sleep,, he tells you to rest several times when you call him but my anxious ass brain is going "I just realized ive been living in a bombed apartment for a week and I was nearly kidnapped, laying down and having the opportunity to think about that at length is the LAST thing i want to do right now-".

But i wouldnt ever say it bc of how much shit he's clearly going through at the time with Saeran and the realization V lied. So... midnight working near each other in complete silence except for the humming of the laptop fans and emotional tension you could cut with a knife /j

I understand! I'm a picky eater but I also have a very limited diet due to my disability. Sometimes I like to think about how tough it could be with Ray, like, it's hard enough to get to know someone but it's harder to explain your diet choices for personal reasons! It is too easy to feel like a nuisance. But, nobody is a nuisance for having preferences. Nobody should be commenting on anybody's eating habits unless you have decided to discuss that with them.

But, even in what I would like to call the very worst moment of his life, he is determined to take care of you. He wants to push you away for your protection but he can't even bring himself to do it properly. He knows it's better to push you away for safety but at the same time it's not the easiest thing to do when he selfishly wants to hold on to the small piece of happiness you have given him. That's why it's so easy to see he's lying when he says that he doesn't care. Why would he say that he doesn't care when he wants to order you all the food in the world to take care of you and make sure that you're safe in the apartment?

If you told him you had a preference for something, it wouldn't upset him. In fact, he would rather you assert yourself. After all, isn't it a fact that you got to the apartment by second guessing yourself about going to a secondary location a stranger told you? Saeyoung would be happier knowing you've been assertive to anyone, even him. He doesn't want you to bite your tongue and deal with something just because you don't want to be a nuisance.

He wants to make sure you're taken care of and even if he is lying through his teeth about how he feels, if you tell him that you need him to get something different, he will. It's not a problem.he wants to make sure you're taken care of and even if he is lying through his teeth about how he feels, if you tell him that you need him to get something different, he will. It's not a problem. It won't take much for him to figure out you have preferences. But, it may not be clear what those are and if you don't tell him, he will play a guessing game until he figures it out.

[jeymoi]

a very rough and quick vent art sketch because i am in my feels and don’t have enough time to commit to this drawing lmao. hello again to the tumblr void and welcome to my rant ✌🏼😌 i think the stress and constant looming melancholy has made me slightly more insane but we are slaying so that is all that matters. (warning, idk if any of this makes sense, i am sleep deprived and my eyes are blotted with tears ✌🏼 i think my own thoughts are funny so here’s to another silly goofy online journal entry that i can use for reference in the future hehe)

for some reason, ive just been thinking about how “actions speak louder than words” all night and how important it is for me and all my friendships. i guess this is just me overthinking a little and not understanding how i prefer to receive love languages, but idk.

i’ve had friends tell me that they dont think they can ever be there for me the way i am for them and it gnaws at my lil brain every now and then because im convinced it’s what i deserve. i think im just used to giving more of my time and energy to others than i am used to giving it to myself. my people pleasing habits sometimes erase who i even am as a person to my friends and to me.

but then i have friends who won’t say much but will be there for me, the way i think i am for others, even when im being stubborn or difficult and think i’m the worst person in the world. though this may be the emotional repression talking, i dont think i’ll ever really fully understand love and care and how others perceive me, but what i do understand is that the comfort of even such small gestures – like sitting in a call while im crying for no reason and just being there, or checking in to make sure i’ve eaten, or even just texting me to check in after a busy busy day or exhausting work week – is the closest thing i can think of to feeling loved recently.

i know that not all friendships will feel equal very often. sometimes you have to give more than you take. i’m okay with doing that because i really do care for my friends even if my effort isn’t reciprocated. maybe i’m just feeling sappy right now, but when my friends actively show me they care through even the smallest of words or actions, my heart becomes so full.

[chowowed]

Venting very hard about doctors, chronic pain, and being ignored.

one of these days i feel like i should just ask on a reddit thread or smthn about my damn chronic pain. every medical test ive had done has come back inconclusive or normal, but there literally cannot be anything normal about a 25 year old who cant stand straight after sitting for a long time, and who ends up in agony every time it rains. if i walk around a fucking store too long i struggle to put the bags in my fucking car. i can't ride in sedans / low vehicles because I struggle to get out of them. some days i dont want to get out of bed because it hurts so much. 90% of the time it only bothers me mildly but the other 10% (right now) has me so frustrated. weight loss didnt help, exercise didnt help, pain killers work for a few days and then stop. i had to strategically organize my classroom so i had a desk near me at all times in case i got unsteady so i wouldn't fall. my left leg refuses to improve at all, and any amount of babying it just makes the right leg inflamed. i run low grade fevers on the worst pain days. Getting sick at all just makes my hips and back scream at a level 9 pain. i know for a fact if i stopped taking my meds again i'd never sleep because of the pain.

"the kid is 9, his legs are just growing. has weak muscles in thighs but will improve as he ages" -> it has never once improved. I've literally been complaining about this pain since i was a child and unable to properly explain it.

"it may be gout based on bloodwork. this medication should help." -> several years ago, not improving the pain. feels like im wasting my money on this medication. also, literally none of the pain is in my feet/ankle/knees. its literally my spine and hips.

"your periods are causing cysts that press down on your nerves. birthcontrol should help stop that, and the pain will resolve." i was 15. im 25. i havent had a period since i was like 19. if this was the case, why isn't it better.

"xray shows labral tear. should heal on its own." -> been years, zero improvement. recommended absolutely nothing for treatment.

"mri came back clean. you may have arthritis, though." -> what the fuck does that mean. i "may?" how can an mri come back and show nothing was wrong but "maybe" it's arthritis. i was literally in pain on the fucking mri table. they immediately referred me to a spinal surgeon.

"xray appears normal! possible slight arthritis in the spine." -> Spinal surgeon was a flop. why the fuck is a (at the time) 23 year old developing arthritis. can you explain why my lumbar looked crooked. why did my mom's spinal surgeon look at a picture of this xray days later and confirm the L2-L3 looked crooked. did you miss the part where i said degenerative spinal diseases run in my family.

"bloodwork came back clean. theres nothing suggesting of arthritis." -> what the fuck!!! other doc just said i might have it!! do i or do i not have it!! if i dont have it why do i have these symptoms!!

"emg shows no sign of nerve damage." -> then can someone please figure out why i'm experiencing nerve pain in my left leg. freezing/burning/water trickling down/pins and needles on thigh/ i cannot feel any touch on the skin above my knee. thats not normal. that cannot be fucking normal. if its really meralgia paresthetica, can someone figure out WHY and WHAT caused it. i was told that would go away, why has it been almost 10 years and not gone away.

Like at what fucking point do these "clean" reports become a fucking red flag? At what point does someone say "hey, wait, what the fuck. that shouldnt happen" I dont fucking want pain meds!!! i dont want to be sick!! I want answers!!! i just want answers!!! i'm happy to try other means of pain management!! i should not be this creaky, stiff, achey, exhausted, and in pain for a 25 year old. i cant even walk around the goddamn grocery store for twenty minutes. what the ever loving fuck man.

what i do want is my handicap placard back. the dmv wouldnt renew it because my doctor didnt use an official letterhead :'(

[dirtmunch]

wew had a kind of scary day, started as a normal day of work but i started to get REALLY dizzy. like ive had little dizzy spells if i forget to drink or eat or have too much caffiene, but this was the worst its ever been. it may have been my weekn of eating shit food cuz all my cooking stuff was out of the kitchen all weekend waiting for pest control to spray, coulda been just having a meal bar for brekky, my worst fear is that maybe the water i used for my coffee was contaminated w pesticide idk. but it was so bad i could barely walk upright. i try downing some water and eating a sandwich and some chips in case its low blood sugar or low sodium levels but none of that worked so i tell my supervisor that i gotta go home and (do not do this if you are dizzy) i drive home, just turning out of the parking lot sent my head spinning but the rest of the drive is a straight shot down one logn road so as long as i was upright i was fine. the scariest part was that keeping my hands up on the wheel started making my hands and fingers tingle, which freaked me tf out. finally i get home and wobble up my stairs, get my water and sit upright in bed for like an hr till i can tilt over without everything spinning as horribly and doom scrolling thru my insurance's policy and local hopsitals in network incase i gotta go get checked out. i finally am able to lie on my side, sleep and wake up from nap feeling better but not 100%, then after eating a clearance aisle mr beast bar my dizziness went away and ive been good since

anyways not a good day for a person w bad medical anxiety. i think the thing that scares me most abotu medical stuff that makes me have such bad hypochondria isnt necessarily the bodily harm illness inflicts, but knowledge of the extrordinary cost and time it takes to treat illness. I wonder if my med anxiety would be alleviated if i moved somewhere with better healthcare. i feel like if it did the cost and effort would be worth it

[temporarymoods]

worst week of the year

hey blog

theres so much i want to tell you and would rather be feeling right now e.g. my truth about being nonbinary and graduating and moving and finishing college and new music and new inspirations and volunteering and all those thoughts about the world and cooking-- but right now i just feel like shiiiiiit.

nothing profound, barely edited stream of consciousness, about:

insecurity

it's so hitting sometimes. and i try to come up with why and i figure a couple things: stress. not sleeping great. hormones (follicular phase). the weather (gloomy). anxiety (but that's the same thing as insecurity). not eating great. negative reinforcement. negative reinforcement. negative reinforcement. reading into things. losing the male gaze. needing so badly different clothes.

it's the worst when it manifests socially like this. like the most negative voice in your head narrating-- why? i know it's just as easy to switch to another. so why do i have these tendencies to slip into the worst of it? just wired that way? why do the low moods have such a moving character? maybe its not that big of a deal. but for days i have felt awful. and i cant even communicate that properly to the people that love me because its too much- its really just too much to launch into. and so i need a long chat before i can move any of this weight off me. so im here. <3

i know i dont suck. but sometimes i guess i do. or i could. so i worry about being lost-- about other people losing me, in a concerned-for-myself way. and i think about how utterly pointless this post is because girl, you're not saying anything that hasn't already been sai across the world.

that's nice. this shit isn't unique. but whe no one talks about it it kinda feels like everything is fine for everybody. and when i'm doing fine i see that that's true in a sense. everyone's lives are so cool even when theyre bad. no need to compare because we're really on the same page. just need to remember that. the equalness. the sameness of the value of all of our lives, of my life in particular. it is not less it is not less. dear reader i can only say in plain words and ask you to believe me that the "but"s come up so strong there. "it is not less" does not sit without protest, and riot again. i don't want to lie, so opens up the possibility that "it is not less" is not true... you may see how the facilitation of this dialogue weighs on me.

judging myself for all that i don't do. so much love so little do, i think. but then i dont have time. because im a student. and that kills me. been slowly killing me for years. once i decided i wouldnt die the killing only got slower, subtler. what a drain on the spirit. you ask anyone, hopefully, they will tell you, college has not been for me. but in college i have found pieces of life that could be, that would be. i feel closest to them now. but what if ive been lying? what if my lines i repeat against this fucking institution have just been An Excuse? for not living... that's terrifying. that i'm a phony. that im really just a loser !! we'll see i guess. what a pressure. what a chance.

feeling so limited in so many ways . in the gender fashion way (and with those two words im done speaking on this). in the free time way, of course. my friends inspire me when they do things that are simply joyful. smart. so smart. can't afford to give myself those pleasures right now. i want to soon. i so, so want to. and i hope that when this all goes away i wasn't lying and i can. the kind of thing that you cant test or experiment on without replicating exact conditions, so the kind of thing you can't really ever know until you're there: if life gets better.

i think there are things about me that i need to fix. first: stop using i/me/mine. unpack that. i dont think its actually like that. like probably shut the fuck up and stop THINKING!! about yourself. but also---- this is important---- think about yourself more and do a much better job upon reflection, please. tweak. and edit. and abolish. yesss, yes. then you'll get it.

at least i am so far from my potential. like, that's a good thing. there are so many things i can do. thats empowering an i think about that a lot because its part of my self therapy prompt. i think ive talked about it on here before but in case i didnt/as a refresher, when i journal for efficacy it usually starts with "i'm feeling [fill in blank.] i can do something about this!" literally. like i make myself write that sentence every time. kind of geen, would recommend. works. having agency rules. having a tendency to forget i have agency sucks. something to work on something to build.

and of course ive come a long way. for the worst week of my 2024 its not that bad of a week, like woah. really puts it into perspective. things could suck so much badder. thank Fucking god. im really fine. its really fine. phew. the future is chilling, honest, if only because i have so much knowledge er wisdom about how to be happy. and cuz of logistics. we good. i love my people and they love me and like its fiiiine and im cool. the present aint bad i just need to do my homework, that's all, really. i just need to do it and now that i've typed all of this out i feel a bit better like i can. in pavement. rn. bagel sandwich on mom. gift card from christmas/my bday, cool. iced vanilla latte matching the classic vibe. i am but a collection of past selves, my life built upon other versions, wearing these fuckass old clothes in a new body is kind of the human condition. changing and having to catch up to it. we're in that gap of time where things havent updated or refreshed. the part in second puberty where its not actually done yet. theres actually more to come and youre in that transitional phase. thats what this is. another one of those. things just arent figured out or settled or that comfortable because im too busy to make them better or good and thats just what it is right now and thats fine because there is definitely an end to this. 2 weeks, whatever. i can make it two weeks at not-my-best. which is wild to say because i was literally feeling my best like a week ago, so, what? that's what this fucking blog is all about. kateworld changes so fast. its all temporary.

catch you on the upswing

Kate

<3

[glop----26]

Burnt offerings.

I burned the piece of carpet two days ago. I know its been almost a month since we ended things, yet it's taken me this long to burn it.

the carpet as a symbol came home with me after a night at your place, nothing happened just cuddling, as I took out my clothes, it fell out of my bag, a small meak little piece of tan/brown carpet, I decided to stick it in my journal, and if things didnt work, burn it. I told you that, because I knew, and I know that I can be very odd, and I wanted you to know who I am, I wanted you to be a part of me. I shouldn't have told you, finding out who I am may have been the worst mistake you have ever made, and Im sorry

nonetheless, I burned it, I hid every thing youd ever given me away in a bag, everything still holds memories, but the big ones are tucked away. I avoided looking at the carpet or taking it out for the longest time, I guess I knew that it was symbolic of my feelings for you, and it didnt feel right to burn it when I still felt a burning passion for you in my heart. Its done now though, for I realize how much it is hurting both of us to have to carry the burden.

perhaps some years from now we will reconnect and you will ask me what I did with the carpet, and ill laugh, telling you I forgot about it, that none of this effected me, that you never hurt me. Perhaps not, perhaps we will fall into our seperate worlds, far apart from one another, two cinders in the wind, and we will glide past eachother, forgetting our names in the gusts that blow us past.

I burned the carpet, and I find myself wondering whether that was the right choice, you see I miss you, even still, though looking at you now is as looking upon some unfamiliar scene, I cannot help but miss you, though I feel I never really knew you at all.

I burned the carpet, and with it id like to say I burned the memory of you, Id like to say ive moved on, and I dont think of you as I drift to sleep each night, but I cant, because I do, and the thought of loosing you, scares me, though you are already lost.

[purplesurveys]

1778

Do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything? That's the way my days flow on weekends, for the most part. The only reason I've been more out and about lately is because my dad's home and we do tend to go out as a family more when that's the case.

But, yes. Embracing getting older also means increasingly enjoying my time at home and having no agenda.

Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? I do it all the time – it's revenge bedtime procrastination and I stick with it whether weeknight or weekend.

What is your favorite episode of True Life, if you have one at all? I've never seen any bit of that show before.

Have you ever experienced something paranormal? Nah.

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic? That was the time I attempted to join Leni Robredo's thanksgiving rally last year. I just needed to drive the same distance from my house to university, but my time in the car ended up being 5 hours because apparently the whole of Metro Manila was headed the same way. Suffice it to say I missed the entire event and just made the most out of my efforts to drive out by going out for drinks with friends instead.

Best field trip experience? All my favorite field trips were the ones that were museum-heavy. In Grade 5 we went to Intramuros and 2-3 other museums in the area; in freshman year of high school we went to two museums in Makati.

Have you ever been to New York City? I have not.

If so, is it all its cracked up to be? I know it's not the urban fairytale the movies make it out to be but I'd still love to have the chance to visit.

What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? I don't know about individual meals, but my biggest bill was when I took my family to Blackbird and everything came up to a bit over 10k.

What museums have you visited, if any? Well, a lot. I like museums and I even try to visit at least one when I have vacations overseas.

Have you ever had a group project and one of your partners bailed on you? Yes that was quite common especially in college.

What’s your worst traveling experience? It was a plane trip headed to Kuala Lumpur and there was a horrible fucking toddler who cried (read: shrieked) the whole 4 hours. It got increasingly loud and reached an untolerable climax during the latter part when the family needed to strap it in its own seat. I think I may have shed a tear or two myself towards the end...

Sims 1, 2, or 3? Why? Idk I was never a big gamer even of the Sims so I don't really have a favorite.

Have you ever dealt with noisy neighbors or roommates? How did that go? We've only had noisy neighbors once but tbh we just let them be because as Filipinos we're largely nonconfrontational. Plus those neighbors moved out after only a few months so things turned out fine.

Who was (or is) the teacher that gave you the hardest time in school? Oh there were a lot! Students these days are very fortunate that the world has softened for them, because in my time it was very common for teachers to wind up being the bullies, and for complaints about them to land in deaf ears. In Grade 4 I had a science teacher who took every opportunity to embarass me publicly; in Year I my history teacher always looked like she wanted to pinch the shit out of me lol; and in Years III and IV I had an English teacher who made me feel like she was always wishing I wasn't her student.

I'm grateful for the memories I made with my friends in that school, but were the elders and system absolutely awful. Transferring into a liberal and progressive university was the easiest non-adjustment I had to go through.

Best muffin you’ve ever had? Not a big fan of muffins. I've had a few chocolate ones but nothing has stood out to be the best.

Have you ever taken a woodshop class? Nope.

If so, was it required? That is not a thing here.

How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? I don't know...maybe an accumulated 1 hour a day? I go through FB multiple times daily but it's always in very very quick checkins.

What area of math are you best at? Worst? I'm okay with algebra and statistics, but I've never understood the point of geometry and that directly translates to how I struggled with the subject in high school haha.

How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? It's fun when I find a K-pop fan because we can automatically relate on so many things. We don't even have to both like BTS; the K-pop fan culture is enough to start hours' worth of conversation and jokes. Other than that it's impossible to find local Beyoncé, Paramore, or punk rock fans so I kind of just wander those worlds on my own lol.

How often do you “half-ass” things (put little effort in)? I'm not sure about frequency but that's something I'll sometimes do when I can't bring myself to give a crap about work tasks. I'm done showing passion in every single thing because I'm super burned out at this point.

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? Not really.

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? Not necessarily, but some of them made me just ask a bunch of questions about the way they treated me. Like why did they hate me so much? Why do they seem so miserable so as to target their own students? stuff like that.

How reliable is your internet connection? We've actually been out of internet since Thursday and our service provider has been very useless and helpless and scum of the earth, so I've been using data since then and 100% worsening my phone battery.

Have you ever missed a meeting/event that was required/necessary? Yes. Work is not everything and if I can't be in a particular meeting or event, it's not the end of the world and I'm done feeling guilty about the whole thought of being absent lol.

What’s something that makes you incredibly nervous? Work.

What’s the latest you’ve ever stayed up to finish homework/a project? There was one time I had to pull up an all-nighter for a project, and unsurprisingly it was a group project. Like of course it would be a project that involved other people, because if it was a solo thing there never would have been a need for me to stay up all night. That gig soured me from group projects for the rest of college.

If you don’t have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? I do have them.

If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn’t need them anymore? It'd be refreshing but idk, I've had glasses for 14 years now. It's a part of my identity and how people remember me that I'll always choose to have them on, even if I had the opportunity to undergo some magical procedure that'd totally fix my eyesight.

How many vegetarians do you know? Less than 10.

Have you ever considered going to art school? Kind of. I passed an art management program in one of the universities I applied to, but chose to go to my dream school instead.

Is there anyone in your life who consistently angers you? No.

How quickly can you write an essay? Probably an hour if you gave me enough background info to work with, and time to research.

Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? Never fell asleep while in school.

Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? Sure! I was for Paramore. I guess I was too for Se So Neon but that was sort of a given since it was a much smaller show and it had been very easy to squeeze my way to the front.

What bug frightens you most? Cockroaches, bees, and wasps.

Are your parents supportive of you? My dad is. Idk what to think of my mom's form of support. It seems she shows it when it benefits her or when it's something she can show off in social media. I stopped looking for validation from her a long time ago.

How often do you take the train to go places? I don't.

Do you play with your phone in awkward situations Sure.

Have you ever participated in a mock trial, or a real trial? No.

[supersetfiction]

F-Week & G-Week - Flight Path and Ghost 16/10/23-29/10/23

This isn't my greatest one I've written. It was such a struggle to come up with what to write. I feel like I had a good idea, but the words weren't coming and it was just really difficult for me to write anything good. I hope that I do better the coming weeks.

The roar from the engine was deafening in the cockpit where David sat wrestling with the controls of the ship. The more he struggled to right his ship, the more it threw it off balance. The atmosphere of this planet was nothing like earth. It was heavier and it was bringing him closer to the surface.

As he sped towards the ground, he started to lose consciousness. His thinking became sluggish and doing anything to stop himself from passing out seemed to him a colossal mountain that he couldn’t quite start to climb.

----------

“We’ve followed your work since your work on the black hole incident on Turin IV and feel you’d be most qualified. We think you might be exactly who we’re looking for.” Two men sat opposite David. The younger of the two had rattled off David’s accomplishments as a scientist and linguist.

“Is that so? Because up ‘til now you’ve only shown me that you’ve done your homework. You haven’t told me anything about the job.” David leant back in his chair and regarded to the men carefully.

“You better get talking quickly, or I’m walking out of here.” He left the question hang in the air for a moment. The two other men opposite him looked at each other unsure why to do.

The younger man started, but the other man cut him off before he could continue. “We believe that there is a sliver of hope for the retrieval of a man who has gone out past the last settled colony. You may know him from your training on Mars, Commander Owen Hoey. We need you to head into the outer reaches past the colonies and investigate a potential message sent from Commander Hoey. His last known location and message was from the colony orbiting Enceladus. We haven’t heard anything from his since and have assumed the worst.”

“What did the message say?”

The man reached into his coat and pulled out a flat silver disc. As he placed the disc on the table between them, he pressed a button on the side and the image of Commander Hoey appeared above it. The audio crackled for a moment before Hoey spoke.

“This is my last message for the foreseeable future. My name is Commander Owen Hoey and I am currently 1300 kilometers from the Enceladus colony and travelling further out in search for what I believe is a relic in deep space from the days of the old Earth. If I find this facility I will collect as much data as I can and return to Enceladus to upload. God willing I will return and you will hear from me again. Commander Owen Hoey, signing off.”

The image shut off and the man replaced the disc into his coat.

“Will you go and find Commander Hoey, David?”

David looked down not saying anything.

“How long will I be gone?”

“That’s hard to say. At a minimum, it could be two years. One year to the origin of the response, and one year back to earth. That’s if everything goes perfectly. It could be longer. That’s the risk you’d be taking.”

David sat thinking. It was a long time to be isolated and lonely. There would be no one to talk to and most of his time would be spent in cyrosleep dreaming his life away. It would be the chance of a lifetime to travel out to the furthest reaches were no one had ever been before. The information he could collect and things he could learn would be incredible. It was a difficult decision he had to make.

“I’ll do it.”

-----

“The plan is simple enough in theory. All you need to do is take this shuttle to the Interplanetary terminal orbiting earth. From there you board the solo shuttle and take the year long journey out to Enceladus. It would be wise to use the cryosleep to pass the year. A year in isolation is not healthy, and sleeping will help with that. The ship will auto pilot and send back to us periodic updates.” The younger man had said over the headpiece as David boarded the transport shuttle. 

David sat in the tight seat in the ship, buckled and ready to leave. He adjusted in his seat and found little room to move. (The trip shouldn’t take too long. It’s just three hours. I can sleep it.)

The ship rumbled to a start and soon after he was thrust into the atmosphere. Being so tightly packed made David feel more comfortable, that he wasn’t being thrown around as the ship sped further into space. The rumbling stopped and David found it easier to close his eyes and sleep.

-----

Upon getting to the Interplanetary terminal he was led from his gate to a private section of the terminal where his shuttle was waiting to take him to Enceladus. A terminal employee walked him through the ship and functions. The ship wasn’t big. It didn’t need to be, but there was enough space to walk around and house functions like a dining room, shower, treadmill, and lounge. (A year alone is a long time. I hope it doesn’t make me too stir crazy in here.)

After the tour, the terminal employee left, and David made his preparations to leave. The shuttle was ready for him to launch, The computer was locked on Enceladus, and the latest maps were loaded to avoid any damage to the ship en route.

David was finally ready to make his trip to Enceladus and find his friend Owen in the deep reaches of space.

[lastofhope]

Rant: Loneliness

First post! I know that digital footprint is a thing and this account may eventually backfire because I'm gonna spill everything I can't say in real life, but whatever at this point because I need an outlet.

Ok so. My loneliness is getting really bad. These past few months have been really rough. Around 8 - 10 months ago was probably the worst my loneliness has ever gotten in my life, (I hated everyone in the world and was living with constant spite, and simultaneously living with heavy guilt for those feelings). As for the fast few months, I started off fine, the previous months actually being really peaceful, but of course, like everything in life, it had to go away. I got incredibly sad, to the point I'd just sob multiple times a week, with such heaviness that it made it feel impossible to move and want to sink to my knees when i walked (I've never experienced crying where it made me want to collapse completely like that until then). If i cried during the afternoon I'd just be completely exhausted afterwards and only want to sleep. Then my life was quieter because I used up all my emotion and couldn't feel as much, before I started to notice something constantly in the background. Eventually i recognized it as pure emptiness. It's come and gone, but the past few weeks it's been prominent in my life.

I can't feel love for anyone in my life. Although that's been an issue for a long while, it's never been as concentrated and constant as it is now. Listen, I have friends, but a little over a year back my closest friend group all split up and i lost that feeling of closeness to all of them, (i could tell them everything, they were the only ones I could tell everything, or anything for that matter, and i lost that completely). Even though we're on good terms now i have not felt close to them. I have lots of other friends, none who are incredibly close or reach out to me. My relationship with my parents is good, we get along, but we aren't emotionally close whatsoever (i don't feel comfortable whatsoever opening up to them due to many previous situations and we've also never had that kind of relationship where i go to them for any kind of help or advice).

I should be grateful for our dinners together, for the time i get to spend with my family, but instead i feel nothing when I'm with them. Same with my friends (none of my old close friends). I invited them over for a party last Saturday and at the end of the night i looked around at this group (some who I'm generally close with and have known for years) and realized i felt nothing for them. I'm so broken. I don't even understand why this is happening.

I hate this hyper independent culture we have. "Learn to love being alone! Nobody's gonna come and save you, so save yourself. Just love yourself!" What fucking bullshit. I need help. I know that if I just had one person who i could tell all my real feelings to, if i just had one person that i felt comfortable crying in front of and that i wasn't embarrassed to open up to, that i felt comfortable around, that i could go to for a hug when i needed it, I'd be fine. I've never had someone comfort me when I'm crying. I've never ranted to someone about my problems face to face, it's all been on text. I've never been able to just collapse into my parents arms and cry and tell them that something happened and I don't know what to do. I've never gone to my parents for any help with any personal issues. Everything bad that's happened ive got through alone, and it's wore me down as a person over the years. Fuck, do you know how fucking scary it was when one day I just lost my feelings and then never felt emotions the same way again? I had nobody to tell. Nobody to ask for for help. I was so scared. Or how I can't even feel too much excitement or happiness before my emotions turn off? How i used to go months feeling nothing but a lump in my throat that blocked all emotions? How i went emotionless for a few months because i enjoyed a book too much and that enjoyment shut off my feelings? How scared i was, how hopeless i felt when i realized i could only suffer through it and nothing i could do would make it go away? I can't feel extreme emotion anymore. I haven't for about five years. I went on roller coasters a month ago and i felt no excitement or fear on any of them. Nothing. i haven't felt fun in a long time and I don't know what will make me feel like I'm having fun again. I laugh with people but don't appreciate them, don't love them. Sometimes when i cry now all i feel are tears running down my face but i can't feel the sadness.

How am I supposed to go to college in the fall and make friends if i can't feel anything? I have to constantly put myself out there knowing I'll get very little return for months on end and maybe end up with a true friend. If I'm lucky. That's so exhausting when I already have so little energy for life. I won't be able to do it. But if i don't constantly put myself out there nobody will talk to or reach out to me and I'll be alone.

I used to be able to enjoy being alone. Sometimes my hobbies will make me happy. But more often than not now i have no will to do my hobbies because I'll have a singular thought of wanting a real deep true friend and get overwhelmed and sad. Nature used to be my healer, used to make me feel at peace when nothing else did, but now when i go outside alone i can't feel peace. I feel empty. Nature doesn't look calming or beautiful, and i realize nothing seems worth doing if i have nobody who really loves me beside me.

I'm at the point where my goal is to make it through each day. I have enjoyed a few moments as a result of this actually, such as the warmth of the sun on my back yesterday morning and a few good meals ive had recently. Those moments were nice. I'm realizing maybe that i should live just for the chance to maybe experience those little moments of bliss, even though emptiness overwhelms me most the time. But it's difficult when all I want is to have a true connection with one person. To have one person i can truly rely on. To have one person who can hold me when I'm too weak to stand. I know desperation won't get me anything, but I'm not even desperate anymore. I'm accepting of my situation. But it's a desire that takes up a lot of my thoughts, and the knowledge that it may be years before i actually find that person, that there's a large unknown amount of time stretched in front of me where I know i have to suffer, is crushing. It crushes my will to do anything. I keep trying to build relationships and talk to people and be very outgoing, but it's gotten me very little. Very few people reciprocate anything in life, even family. That's also crushing.

Nobody will save me but me. Nobody will care about me fully or understand more than me. But i can't go through life utterly alone and turn out okay and unscarred. I can survive. But I'm at the point where life is just survival for me. I'm not enjoying it. Im so empty. I've screamed and begged for years and years while sobbing to the universe for a close relationship with my parents, to be able to just sit on the couch and hug them for an hour, or for one person to come into my life that i have a true connection with and feel comfortable and happy with, that i can hug and go to for comfort. My prayers have yet to be answered.

When i think of myself in five years, suddenly i seem so unsure of where I'll be because i don't know how I'll live with this loneliness. I don't know how I'll live with nobody close to me for the entirety of my life. I don't think i can. God I'm so fucking miserable.

If anyone has advice on this other than to just distract yourself and survive the day, I'd love to know. Also sleep, i know to just go to sleep when everything seems overwhelmingly hopeless. I'm also posting this to know that anyone who feels this is not alone. I'm always here to talk if you need. But if anyone actually reads this and makes it this far, thank you, really. I hope you're doing well.

[heysolikeummyeahyaknow]

Best dream I ever had.

Buckle up coz it’s a wild one.

So Imagine some kind of medieval / Viking inspired setting. Myself and my high school friends are all some form of nobility and my friends mum is the queen. We’re all having a sleepover at my place and there is a war????? That we have to go to tomorrow morning. Now the “queen is telling us to go to bed early because we need to be up early etc. now I don’t much care for this person in the waking world so I say something along the lines of go fuck yourself, not fully aware of the consequences of insulting the queen of this dream realm. So because she’s the queen she’s like you’re not allowed to ride in the chariot like everybody else and you have to go into battle on foot like the rest of the peasant soldiers. So that fucking sucks.

But on top of that I accidentally sleep in. Everyone has already left and all the good weapons have been taken so I’m left with a garden hoe. Not ideal I know. So now I’m late and iv got a shitty weapon so what am I gonna do? Well I decide to take a short cut through the city to get to the battle field on time. But like not a medieval city. Like modern day city that I live in. Just a real quick short cut through time and space but anyway.

I’m walking through the city and I decide I need snacks so I stop by a seven eleven (not sponsored) and Lo and behold my dad and my sister are there robbing the place as like “father daughter bonding time”. So that’s cool I catch up with them for a bit before another guy comes in and points gun at the cashier and says “I’m robbing this place”. And the poor cashier who’s just having the worst day is like “I just gave everything to these guys”. So the 2nd thief just turns to my sister and dad and says “I’m robbing you then give me all you got” and my dads like “no piss off find your own seven eleven (not sponsored) we got here first” and the second thief is getting all aggressive towards my family so I just kill him a little bit with my garden hoe.

Now this starts some drama. Nobody cares that the seven eleven was robbed twice but the second I kill someone the cops show up. So now I’m on the run but may I remind you I really don’t have time for this because I’m late for the war. And to make matters worse I forgot to get snacks while I was at seven eleven (not sponsored).

So yeah I’m able to dodge the police pretty easily and manage to duck into Woolworths (not sponsored) for some snacks for the road but when I come out I’m completely surrounded by cop cars. Which is absolutely the last thing I need because I don’t have time for this I’m late for the war.

So I’m like fuck you guys and I just fly directly upwards. All the cops are trying to grab my feet but I’m just floating up and up and up.

The last thing I remember before waking up is soaring over lush green fields looking for where the battle might be and I flew past a country kid sitting out on a verandah and he saw me and said “what the fuck is that!?” And I replied “what the fuck are you”

and then I woke up feeling like the funniest person on the planet.

[zarovich]

cant even hide that fact that im doing so poorly. everyone can tell i know it