#this user needs to fix his sleep schedule !!! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rewrittenwrongs · 8 months ago

Text

Whumptober day 9: Alternate prompt prompt 11: Survivors Guilt

Read on Ao3 (registered users only) | Day 8 | Day 10 | Whumptober masterpost

CW: off-screen character death. And also some early game Subnautica spoilers

Technically posting this a day late, but there are no rules against posting on different days so I’m still happy with this. In typical me fashion I procrastinated writing this until like 9pm, then speedran it for a couple hours only to not be done when midnight ticked over, and decided actually I like sleep more than a posting schedule only to not fall asleep even once for MORE THAN FOUR HOURS. Is this karma for procrastinating? I’ve learnt my lesson.

Either way I’m really happy with this fic. I started playing Subnautica again recently and I’m kind of hyperfixating. Naturally, that meant I need to combine it with my other hyperfixation, Batfam. Strictly speaking Tim Drake is the POV character but you can easily read it as just being the player character.

Watching the radio light up as soon as Tim fixes it, indicating a received message, is both a proud moment and a stress inducing one. He just stands there and stares for a long moment. Dreading what news could be waiting for him. Then it sets in that it could be a distress signal from one of the other lifepods, from another survivor, and he slams his hand into the button before he loses his nerve.

It isn’t another survivor that speaks to him, it’s the Aurora’s AI. “This is Aurora. Distress signal received. Rescue operation will be dispatched to your location in 9…9…9…9…9… hours. Continue to monitor for emergency transmissions from other Lifepods.”

Tim exhales heavily, and resolves to do just that.

That night, as he’s struggling to catch more bladderfish and peepers, his PDA speaks up:

“Emergency: A quantum detonation has occurred in the Aurora’s drive core.”

Oh shit.

Tim watches in a daze, as if from outside his body, as he swims to the surface. Maybe twenty metres up. His gaze locks on the downed monolith of a ship immediately.

The AI keeps speaking. “The reactor will reach a super critical state in T-10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1—“

The explosion is even bigger and louder and scarier than he expected. Tim feels it in his bones when the shockwave slams into him. It feels like the world is falling apart. Not just physically.

So much for that rescue operation.

“For your convenience the radiation suit has been added to your blueprint database.”

The next day, just as he feeds the fabricator the ingredients for a radiation suit, the radio lights up.

Tim stares at it, feeling that same sense of apprehension. As if the state he spends his next few weeks weighs entirely on one recorded message.

He presses the button.

“Receiving pre-recorded distress signal. Playing back…” The next speaker is younger, female, accented: “This is Lifepod 3, uploading our coordinates. We’re plugging some holes in our emergency Seaglide, so if we’re late for the rendezvous, don’t panic. Also, don’t go home without us. Seriously. 3, out.”

She sounds strangely calm about the situation. Tim opens his tablet once he’s finished changing into his new suit, and opens the new coordinates. Also in the Shallows, 18 metres underwater. Tim wonders if their floatation systems never deployed or were damaged by something in the water. Maybe it was the shockwave.

Tim cooks some distressingly large eyeballs, drinks some not-vegan water, and heads out for Lifepod 3 within the hour. It takes him about 50 minutes to reach the Lifepod, and what he finds isn’t pretty.

It’s sunk to the bottom of a kept forest. It looks, perhaps at first glance, in decent condition. But circling it is enough to discover what went wrong. There’s a giant hole blown in the side of the pod. There are scorch marks on the walls inside and out, with sparking wires and dented electronics.

There is the ruined remains of a Seaglide barely two metres away. Scorched. Melted. Incomplete.

They tried to fix it and it cost them their Lifepod, and almost certainly their lives. Tim doesn’t try to keep his hold on the fragile faith in his chest. He scans the ruined device, collects a data box, and lets the dark, ugly, twisted thing in his chest grow a little bigger.

He sees no sign of any bodies.

Actually. The stalkers are acting docile. They’re not hungry.

He takes that as a sign to leave.

The next two signals are received minutes apart. He’s out exploring when they’re collected, and once he’s back in Lifepod 5 he hits play before turning to the fabricator.

“Playing pre-recorded distress call…”

“This is Ozzy from the cafeteria, what the hell guys?!”

Tim’s hands stutter and he nearly drops his copper.

“They didn’t warn us this might happen! Our pod was almost crushed by the Seamoth bay on the way down, now we’re hanging on the edge of a cave system and this grim-looking snake-thing’s trying to eat through the hull! Come get us already!”

Tim tries not to drown in the ugly-painful feeling of knowing that person, Ozzy, even if they only exchanged glances and the odd word or two. Ozzy was—is someone he knows. And by the sounds of it—

Maybe they’re fine. Ozzy and whoever else is in his pod are fine, and once Tim finds them they can all have a laugh before setting off the help the next survivor.

He wonders what the ‘grim-looking snake-thing’ is, if it’ll still be trying to eat the pod when Tim reaches it.

Tim plays the next recording while opening his tablet to find the Lifepod’s signal.

“This is Avery Quinn, of trading ship Sunbeam. Aurora, do you read? Over.”

A slight pause. Tim absently shoves a peeper at the fabricator.

“Nothing but vacuum. These damn Alterra ships. They run low on engine grease, they send an SOS; you offer help, they don’t pick up. Aurora, I’m out on the far side of the system, it’s going to take more than a week to reach your position, do you still need assistance? Over.”

Tim has no other word for the emotion he feels than indignant.

“I’ll try them again tomorrow. Damn charter’s going to have us blowing our credits running errands for Alterra. See what the long-range scans pick up in the meantime.”

Tim… decides, for now, that the best course of action is to shove his emotions in a box and focus on hope. Hope that the long-range scan is enough to rally their assistance, that Ozzy will still be alive when Tim reaches him.

The signal’s origin is more than 350 metres away. Depth of 100.

Tim studies the supplies he has on hand, debates how hungry and thirsty he is, and grabs the Grav Trap. Once he’s stocked with food and water he sets off with his new Seaglide.

He closes the distance in record time. It’s exhilarating, flying along past schools of fish and alien coral. If he didn’t feel the weight of peoples lives hanging on his shoulders he would waste his time swimming with the fishes and reefbacks. It’s… disarming, how pretty this alien world can be, knowing most of the creatures on it want to kill him.

It isn’t too difficult to find Lifepod 17. It’s lying on a sandbank next to a cave, one wall peeled back like the lid of a tuna can.

Tim spends a moment staring, then has to speed to the surface to take a breath. He stays there for a few minutes and tries not to cry. Then he glides back down.

The Lifepod hull is peeled back and torn open, visible teeth and scratch marks marring the metal. No blood, no signs of life. There’s the arm of a Seamoth lying nearby.

No alien sea snakes either. Tim wonders if that’s because it’s daytime. Either way, part of him is glad.

Tim downloads the data and heads back.

“Aurora, this is Sunbeam again. We picked up a massive debris field at your location. I didn’t know how bad… how many of you… I didn’t know. We are now en route to your location. We’re going to bring you home. Sunbeam out.

“What else can I say? The only time I parked a rig this big on a rock that small was in VR, and I blew it. Oh, it’s a bad option alright, but so are all the others.”

Tim throws an armful of rocks at the fabricator to figure out then slams the button on the radio. He lowers himself onto the storage cabinet and retrieves bandages from the medkit fabricator, trying not to shake as he peels back his suit and cleans the wounds across his legs.

“Playing pre-recorded distress call…”

“This is Officer Keen in lifepod 19! The captain is gone. I have assumed command. The last thing the captain did was give me coordinates for dry land. We regroup one and a half kilometres south-west of the crashsight. Stay together, and good luck. This message will now repeat.”

His PDA spoke up: “Rendezvous coordinates corrupted. Transmission origin coordinates downloaded.”

Once Tim is done patching himself back together, he collects his freshly-crafted supplies and stashes most of them in the storage box. He opens his PDA to glance at the new coordinates, feeling confident he can find the rendezvous without coordinates, and giddy with the knowledge that there are others survivors out there, only to pause.

Officer Keen’s last broadcast location is 300 metres below the water’s surface.

Just hours later, the next time Tim goes out for a scavenge and returns thankfully in one piece, there is a message waiting for him.

“High priority automated message from Aurora Lifepod 13. Coordinates attached.”

“Lifepod is carrying high priority passenger Jochi Khasar. I said Khasar! Why do I have to record this anyway?”

“Send immediate burial detail.”

Tim pauses, and looks at the radio. Burial details?

12 days after the Aurora first crash landed on this ocean planet, Tim receives the call he’s been hoping for.

“Aurora, we’re approaching the planet now, and we have a landing site for you that’s… well, it’s better than the alternatives. We’ve sent you the coordinates.

“It’ll take us a couple of days to align our orbit, we should be able to establish direct contact with you during that time, then we’re coming to get you. Cross your fingers the weather holds, and don’t leave us waiting. Sunbeam out.”

The Sunbeam is on its way. They send him coordinates for the landing sight. It’s over a thousand metres away, but with his Seaglide Tim can get there in just an hour or two.

He spends the next day and a half more or less gathering materials, knowing he won’t need them soon, but wanting something to do with himself. He sleeps, as usual, on the floor of his Lifepod.

The next morning he fabricates some cured fish and clean water, makes a spare battery for his Seaglide, and swaps the battery in his flashlight. Then, just as sunrise begins painting the sky, he sets out for the landing sight.

His imagination runs rampant as he starts the journey. He wonders what the landing sight will look like. He wonders how many other survivors will be there. He wonders if Officer Keen has been able to swim to the surface. He wonders how much time he’ll have to spare—the Sunbeam won’t land for another 90 minutes at least, and he’s already nearly halfway there. He wonders if he’ll find new creatures around the island, new plants and environments. So far it’s mostly kelp forests—he’s getting sick of stalkers.

He busies himself with questions as the Seaglide carries him. He listens to the reefback leviathans, and wonders briefly what other types of leviathan there are, before deciding he doesn’t want to know. He wants to go home. And thankfully, he is. Pretty soon he’ll be safe and secure on the Sunbeam and saying goodbye to this hellhole of an ocean.

Tim finally steps foot on the island 80 minutes after he set off, hoping and praying that there will be other survivors to meet here, and that he’ll never have to see another stalker or drink another fish ever again.

He has no idea just how wrong he is on both accounts.

#whumptober 2024 #no.9 #survivors guilt #altprompt #subnautica #robin iii #fan fiction #tim drake #batman fanfic #my writing #dual post #dc fanfic #I’m actively fighting against my sleep schedule rn #even posting this my brain is like. what if we didn’t

4 notes · View notes

brywrites · 4 years ago

Text

Washed Away

[Here's a little break from the Lock and Key angst!]

Requested by anon: a Spencer fic based off of this TikTok, in which a Reddit user describes how his girlfriend washed his hair for him in the shower, and how it made him feel so loved.

Spencer Reid x fem!Reader. Pure fluff.

...

Spencer Reid wakes slowly and immediately turns his head to check the space beside him. Oh, good. She’s still there, looking perfectly relaxed in the soft morning light. They are so new that the sight of her in his bed still makes him blush. It’s becoming a more common occurrence and he can’t help but wonder if the effect she has on him is ever going to wear off. Based on the evidence he has so far, he’s quite doubtful. He can’t help but smile seeing her, and he rolls over to put his arm around her and nuzzle into the crook of her neck.

She laughs, leaning into his touch. “Hey you,” she says.

“Hi,” he whispers, his voice raspy with sleep. “I missed you.”

“Darling, I’ve been right here this whole time.” Neither of them has moved since they fell asleep in a tangled mess of limbs.

He shrugs. “I still missed you.” But fortunately for him, missing her in his dreams is the extent of his longing this weekend. They have no new cases until Monday morning, giving him a much-needed few days off with her. Nowhere to go. No lives to save. He gets to just live, with her by his side. “Do you still wanna go to the Botanic Garden today?” he asks.

“Absolutely! Who knows when you’ll get another free weekend next? But first I need to shower.” She eases out of his arms and stands, stretching. “Can I steal one of your towels?”

Reid nods. Anything she wants is hers at this point. He’s never had someone to share his space with like this before, to share his life with. Someone who plans dates and gets excited to show him all the places she loves, who lets him take her to all the places he loves too. She opens the closet door and snags a clean towel before starting towards the bathroom.

“Wait, um – mind if I join you?” he asks. She turns to him with raised eyebrows and a bemused smirk. “N-not like that!” he quickly clarifies, cheeks red. “Just, well – the average shower uses about four gallons of water and given the urgency of climate change as well as the efficiency of saving time, I thought that–”

“Spencer, of course you can shower with me,” she laughs. “It’ll be good for me and for the polar bears.”

He hurries out of bed and follows her to the bathroom where they shimmy out of their pajamas and he turns on the water. Despite more frequent sleepovers and long weekends spent together, they rarely shower together. Between his erratic work schedule and general aversion to shower sex (“Two-thirds of emergency room visits are due to injuries caused in or near the bathtub. The slippery surface makes it incredibly dangerous and water actually increases friction instead of working as a lubricant.” “I’ll keep that in mind.”) the opportunities to do so had been rare. But as he steps over the edge of the tub into the stream of warm water, his body relaxes, letting go of the tension he’s become too accustomed to carrying over the last few years.

He extends his hand to her, always just a little nervous about her safety, and helps her in. With the water running over her body, her face slightly flushed from the steam, droplets hanging from her lashes, she looks so beautiful. And while he’d be more than content to stare at her all day long, he’s promised her a visit to the gardens. He reaches for the bottle of shampoo in the shower caddy, but she grabs his wrist.

“Wait,” she says. “Let me.” Reid is perplexed as she takes the bottle and squirts out a bit of shampoo before – to his surprise – running her own hands through his hair. With gentle fingers she massages his scalp, humming softly to herself. It’s like his brain has short-circuited with this simple action. He can’t seem to form a single coherent thought because it just feels so good. With a sigh, he closes his eyes, allowing himself to get lost in the sensation. Her touch is so soothing as she brushes her fingers through his hair.

When she stops, he opens his eyes to see her glancing around the shower. “No conditioner?” she asks. He shakes his head. His shower routine is quite… minimal. Two-in-one shampoo and a bottle of body wash. “Well, we’ll fix that later,” she says. “Those gorgeous curls of yours deserve a little extra love.” He’s still in too much shock to move as she rubs shampoo into her own hair before grabbing the body wash.

“Sandalwood and vetiver,” she reads from the label. “So this is why you always smell so good.” It was chosen at random based on what was on sale in the tiny town he’d been in for a case months ago, but he’s never been so grateful for a random choice before. She squeezes soap from the bottle and places a hand on his chest. “Is this okay?” she asks. He nods frantically, eager for her to continue. And so she does, lathering the suds over his body. Her hands are warm against his skin as she runs over every inch of him, taking her careful time. She rubs circles down his arms with her thumbs, traces invisible patterns across the soft skin of his stomach. She squeezes his hips softly before asking him to turn around. And what else can he do but oblige her?

She presses close to him and reaches up to massage his shoulders. He lets his eyes close once more, wanting to tune out every sensation that isn’t her as she melts away the tension in his muscles. It’s as though she can reach straight to his bones and heal everything that has ever hurt. Just when he thinks that this is as good as it gets, he feels her lips against his back. She places sweet, gentle kisses across his shoulder blades and wraps her arms around his waist. Her cheek rests against his back and it’s almost too much to be in her embrace in this warm water, with all of her attention focused on him.

It’s just so tender. This simple act of washing his hair, of lathering soap over his body. Of holding him close in the shower. It’s so gentle. He never asked for this, and she asks for nothing in return. It seems to be enough for her simply to care for him so gently. Reid finds himself fighting tears and can’t seem to explain why. It’s just so… comforting. And he’s been a stranger to comfort for most of his life.

Reid is used to being left alone and forgotten at best, bullied and bruised at worst. It’s still so unfamiliar to have someone touch him with reverence, to treat his body like something sacred and not something scarred. As though he is something beautiful. It’s as though his heart could burst right out of his chest, the love he feels for her too big to fit in his ribcage.

By the time she’s combing her fingers through his hair once more to rinse the shampoo out, he swears he’s floating. The combination of touch and warmth and intimacy makes the moment feel so incredibly surreal in the best of ways. How is it possible to feel so overwhelmed with love? Without even needing words, she says it so loudly. Nobody has ever done something like this for him. Nobody has ever paid such careful attention to him like this before. She tugs his wrist to spin him back around towards her before wrapping him in another hug. The water dissolves the shampoo and soap from her own body as it washes over them. Then she places her lips on his chest, kissing the spot just to the left of where his heart is rapidly beating. Her hands find their way up past his neck to brush his wet hair away from his eyes.

“There. That’s better,” she says with a grin. And oh, how it is. Still in a trance he stands there in the shower as she reaches past him to turn the faucet off and grabs the towel, stepping on to the fuzzy bathroom rug. When he follows after her, she wraps her towel around her body and then grabs his own from the rack, rubbing it over his hair and squeezing out the remaining water before draping it over his shoulders. It’s soft, but it doesn’t compare to her embrace.

She wraps her towel int her hair and he hastily wraps his around his waist, following as she walks back into the bedroom. This time, he reaches for her. His hand closes around her arm and he pulls her back against him. He holds her tight, resting his head against hers. One of her hands covers his, interlacing their fingers. “Is everything okay?” she asks.

“I just…” How can he ever put it into words? The way she washes away every doubt of his with such ease. How she’s becoming everything to him faster than he ever imagined. “Nobody has ever – nobody’s ever done something like that for me before. And I… well, I just…” Language is failing him. A million books in his head and not a single one can provide him with the vocabulary to articulate this feeling. So he simply holds her tighter, burying his face in her shoulder.

“It’s okay,” she says softly. She turns her head to kiss his cheek. “I love you, too.”

#spencer reid x reader #reid x reader #fanfiction #imagine #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #brywrites #washed away #spencer reid

348 notes · View notes

tundrainafrica · 4 years ago

Text

Title: Lovebug (3/10)

Summary:

“It might be a bug.”

“A bug?”

“Sometimes the developers of this application make mistakes. This is our first time meeting I’m sure so…Isn’t it a bit weird that we just met for the first time and it rings like this? And for two strangers to coincidentally ring each other’s alarms?“

Levi is the developer of the Love Alarm App and Hange is married to Zeke.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 2 4 5

Notes: So I was really planning on my posting the next chapter tonight and wahhhh right on time @renrampant posted this beautiful piece of art inspired by lovebug. I hope this chapter satisfies <3. I hope the zekehan kiss which will be coming in a chapter or two does justice to the art too.

Levi was a man of his word and he always had been. The night he created his tinder profile, such a penchant had turned out to be more than just an inconvenient truth.

Something so ideally simple as to create a tinder profile, shouldn’t have taken him more than a few hours. Yet, Levi found himself searching, grappling for the right words to say, finding some way to make himself more attractive than he actually was. It turned out with his own meagre attributes, drawing the right person was an altogether daunting task.

Maybe he was overthinking that night. Overthinking had been enough though to leave him exhausted, retiring for the night even before he even noticed he had forgotten to place the phone by his bedside.

When he came into his senses again, sunlight was streaming through the room, turning even the dimmest corners a little less black and a little more gray. The phone was a warm heavy weight vibrating on his chest.

He had to leave for the office soon.

His sleeping schedule only provided him a generous hour and a half to shower and to commute. Frustration at not being able to complete his bio the night before had him sluggish. It had him unwillingly reaching towards the back of his mind as he showered, as he shaved and pulled his light sweater on.

He considered extirpating that nagging thought. All you have to do is put a bio right? Levi thought to himself as he made his way to the subway station. He memorized the way to work like the back of his hand, all the way until the train platform He took the risk of walking straight ahead, eyes completely glued to the screen in front of him.

How it had taken him so much focus to decide on a bio. How it had taken him so much energy and thought. He didn’t know.

Levi though was a man of his word and thus, he had ended up clicking save after typing only a few simple straightforward words.

'Currently software testing. If interested, please swipe right.’

***

“So Levi, you’re a software tester?”

Levi found himself stifling a surprise snort at that question. The sound had come out as something he managed to disguise as a clearing of his throat. Hopefully it worked.

They had just settled on one of the corner seats of a chain coffee shop, a conservative choice for a first date. That is, if he were planning on impressing her. The date felt more like an obligation than an actual passion project. And obligations always had Levi’s mind running on overdrive, even with things as simple as ice breakers.

He didn’t expect that to have been the first line of conversation. He didn’t even know how to pronounce her name yet. The woman was looking expectantly though, bending a little forward. Whether she had been feigning interest or whether she had been genuinely interested, Levi couldn’t really tell.

Technically he tested software for a living and he didn’t need to really expose himself as the head engineer of the software so he settled for a nod.

“Oh, what kind of software do you test?” The woman in front of him pressed.

Levi snuck a glance at his phone under the table. Lynn. But was it pronounced ‘lint?’ Or was it pronounced ‘line?’

He was overthinking again. But when the woman had pronounced his own name correctly, it seemed almost criminal to have to mispronounce her name. Maybe he could table that question for a while.

Or never go on a date with her again. Levi thought to himself as he looked back up at her with the most casual face he could muster. “I test biology related software,” he answered. He purposely kept it vague. He had to note she was also a love alarm user. She had mentioned that part in her bio. Bringing it up in a conversation though was another issue altogether. If he brought it up, she might ask. If the conversation continued, she might ask more.

Did he want to expose then that he was the one who had designed the actual application?

“Biology sounds very interesting,” she commented. She didn’t seem interested in Biology though.

Not as interested as Hange. That quick comparison came like an uninvited visitor and Levi found himself just slapping the phone on top of the table on impulse. The clack of the phone on the table, the metal on hardwood rattled him enough to drive those thoughts away.

Lynn jumped in surprise. “Are you okay?” she asked.

Levi felt the blood rush to his face. When he was thinking longingly about someone married, and comparing her to Lynn, his date for the day, blushing seemed like an almost welcome sensation. “I heard you use the love alarm,” Levi started. When he was already making a fool of himself, might as well go straight to the point.

“You would like to check if we’re attracted to each other huh?” She asked. “But I don’t think we’d find out by the first date…”

“I said on my profile, I wanted to test a software so that’s why I’m here now actually.” Those words forced themselves out of Levi and they came out as a disturbed flow, as guttural sounds that burned in his throat. In the end, the honest man inside him prevailed.

“Test?” Lynn had been nice enough at least to mirror him and put her phone on the table. “You wanna test the love alarm now?”

Levi nodded as he fixed his eyes on the screen in front of him. He was familiar enough with the banner in the front of the screen to know with just a quick glance. The love alarm was active.

He didn’t have to open the application or pull down the banner to know the result. He was all too familiar with how the application would work even when placed on silent mode. The banner should at least appear, with the words ‘Someone nearby is in love with you.’

If there were at least two people around them then, if somebody else rang it, Levi would have been compelled to check. Both applications were void of hearts though. Levi closed the application and pocketed his phone. “It looks like we aren’t attracted to each other.” He only realized as those words escaped from his lips, how awkward or maybe how rude of a comment it came out as.

Lynn’s eyes were wide for a second before she furrowed her brows, framing those brown eyes. “Of course, we just met. I think attraction is something that can be built over time right?” Lynn answered.

“You’re not wrong,” Levi said. Really, he didn’t even believe he could be someone who could rattle off facts about love. Hange had said it herself, he was a little inexperienced.

He wanted to be right about it though. He wanted to believe attraction could be built over time. By extension, he wanted to hold on to the possibility that attraction could also dissipate into apathy. After all, all those emotions should have been in the same ballpark.

“So what do you think?” Lynn asked. She had said some words before that but maybe Levi had reflected too deeply to have processed anything more than the face of the woman before him.

If he blinked and squinted a little afterward, he could pretend that same wavy brown hair was Hange’s. Hange’s hair though was a little shorter and a little messier and when bright light shone at it from certain angles, it came off as a little red. Hange’s eyes were a little bigger and her face was a little rounder.

Lynn was just too different from Hange to ever be Hange.

When Levi let his vision blur though, let it focus on her features slowly then all at once, he could play pretend. When looking from his peripherals, settling for blurs instead of clear pictures, he could pretend the brown hair was Hange’s, the waves that fell on her shoulders as just another layer.

He didn’t even notice it, even after they had split the bill and when she turned down his half hearted offer to take her home. That was until her last greeting came out as they parted ways along the main street that led up to the train station.

Her last greeting was a long way off from a conventional goodbye but it had done its job to get Levi’s attention.

“By the way Levi, my name isn’t Hange.” She unmatched him on tinder after that.

***

Levi decided to put a small note under his name.

Software Engineer. Currently testing software. If interested please swipe right.

It turned out though, there were people who never read bios. “So, what do you do for a living?” The woman in front of him asked. His case in point.

Hange likes reading. An invasive thought tore through him then and Levi wondered how that could have ever been related to the situation at hand.

When he questioned himself, he found out why he even reflected on it in the first place. Right, since Hange likes reading, she wouldn’t have overlooked my bio if she found me on tinder.

Of course, she wouldn’t have tinder. Levi took a deep breath then, reminding himself for the nth time that he was going to have to settle for people who weren’t married to billionaire business tycoons.

He was going to have to settle for people who weren’t Hange.

But he didn’t have to settle for her either. She was underwhelmed yet underwhelming at the same time and Levi was starting to miss Lynn already as the more desirable option.

He quickly shook his head. You don’t have to see any of these people again. All you have to do is turn the love alarm on and watch it ring. But he was feeling so underwhelmed, so disappointed with the turn out of the date in front of him just minutes into meeting her. He had entertained just the thought of cancelling their food there, the only thing stopping him being the wasted food and the poor waitress who would have to clean the mess. So he decided he could at least stay long enough to at least try.

“So, have you heard of the love alarm Nanaba?” Levi asked. He may have put just a little more emphasis in her name. After all, he didn’t want the Lynn-Hange incident happening again.

“Of course, who hasn’t learned about the love alarm app? Actually I have it with me right now.” Nanaba pulled out her phone and dropped it in front of him.

Ten years of hard and stressful work made Levi immune to even the slightest compliments. “You wanna do some testing?” He asked. “Don’t you want to see if we’re compatible?”

Compatible. That was a complex word and Levi started to doubt the applicability of that application in determining compatibility. It was a love alarm, not a compatibility alarm.

Nanaba grinned. “Sure but I have to tell you, I don’t think it actually works.”

Levi raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. He hoped it seemed genuine though. “Really?” When he momentarily thought back to the numerous support tickets logged just within the past two weeks thought, his expression may have turned just a little genuine. It was a mess of an application after all.

“I’ve been using it for a few months already... And it hasn’t rung, not even once. .”

Maybe nobody likes you. Levi had some ironclad rules about testing, always start with user errors, not with application errors and that had him instinctively blaming her but he had to note, most people had one to two matches, Nanaba didn’t look particularly unlikeable either. Just with the thought of statistics, it should have at least rung once if she kept it on regularly.

Levi quickly switched from his engineering hat to his much more empathetic yet still very shitty customer service persona. “Maybe you just haven’t found the one who could ring it for you?” The words tasted so sweet they almost instantly clabbered into sour milk in his mouth. He felt like he was in some sappy Korean drama.

“Well, it rang with my friend Mike once but we don’t see each other that way…”

“Oh, really? Then why did you say it’s broken?”

“Because it rang with my best friend and that doesn’t count...” Nanaba wanted to say more. It was all over her face and her tone.

Levi was in no mood though to play love counselor. But he wasn’t an asshole enough to cancel the food and ditch a seemingly sad woman either. The food came at the right time when Levi was entertaining the prospect of just leaving.

Nanaba looked very much in the mood to speak, speak about something a little more emotional, a little more serious than hobbies and Levi found himself hesitant to force the conversation elsewhere.

Levi came out of that date with no second date, no results. Nanaba on the other hand came out of that date with new found confidence to confess her feelings to her long time best friend.

By the time they had exited the shop, Levi was already swiping again, grumbling obscenities about how testing wasn’t supposed to be that hard.

***

“Rico Brzenska,” Levi said. There were only too many ways to mispronounce ‘Rico.’ Still, two failed dates had him careful about names already. “So what do you do for a living?” And careful about other things as well.

“I’m a student.”

Levi almost spit his tea out at that. He should have been more careful. He had read her bio, she had mentioned something about a love alarm app and that had him swiping right already. He was sure if he had seen any indication of a minor, he would have swiped left. “Really? What kind of student?” He asked, having gone subtly for his phone and pushing it further under the table.

“A graduate student taking business and commerce.”

Levi only had to take a quick glance at his settings to be sure, there were no chances of him dating a minor, as long as nobody was lying about their age on tinder. Being an honest man though, Levi had a harder time looking through white lies.

Such awareness had him studying her round face, her large blue eyes for a little longer. She could have been a minor. Or he could just be paranoid.

But when dating a minor could actually mean jail time, Levi didn’t want to take any chances. “Do you have any ID on you?”

“ID?” Rico frowned. “Why would you need an ID?”

“You said in your bio you wanted to test the love alarm right?”

Rico nodded. “Yes, I just wanna make sure before I start dating someone, we already have the initial attraction. I don’t wanna waste my time with people who aren’t attracted to me or I’m not attracted to, if you get what I mean?”

In response, Levi hummed in understanding. He did get what she meant. The last thing he wanted to do though was inadvertently ring the love alarm of someone a good many years younger than him and risk jail time. He probably wouldn’t ring it anyway.

But just in case. Levi put his phone out on the table, leaving one hand outstretched as if to wait for an ID.

No ID. No Love Alarm. He was sure that was the sign he was giving.

"Wait you don't think I'm off age do you? You think I'm lying on my profile?"

"No, I don't think you are," Levi said. Maybe his expression betrayed his words.

Rico eventually let go of an ID, a school ID from a familiar university logo Levi was sure he had seen a few times. And her face then had been one of pure irritation and maybe a hint of fury.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "There? Legal enough for you?"

Still a student, still too young to be engaging in anything with an older man, at least by Levi's standards. Still, he found himself almost obligated to just test the alarm in front of her.

Rico didn't look happy at all to be heavily scrutinized, or doubted. When she activated her application, Levi saw it as a cue to activate his own.

All you have to do is press the button. Levi told himself. He knew it wouldn't ring. He felt no attraction to her but paranoia had his brain going in all sorts of directions at once. Maybe the blood that rushed through his cheeks then was love. Maybe his hands shaking then were nervousness and excitement at meeting one's destined partner.

Also Rico wore glasses. For some reason, that had him thinking back to someone else with glasses, he wondered for a second if her eyes were much larger without those on. And he wondered if it was similar for Hange.

How such a long train of thought could have occupied him in such a short frame of time, interrupted by a quick sleight of hand, Levi didn't know.

But it had ended so abruptly, almost violently with the familiar cacophony of two love alarms ringing at once.

For a second, Levi sat frozen on the table as his mind went ahead, racing over theories and potential testing methods to deduce the root behind the outcome.

Do I have a glasses kink? That had been Levi's first thought. He looked down at his own phone to see the one heart and the bright message on top.

One person nearby is in love with you.

His second thought had been a little more objective. It's a bug. He told himself. I'll just have to do further testing.

Rico’s eyes were wide in shock. For a few seconds or so, she struggled to move and he couldn’t blame her. After all, the ringing of multiple love alarms in such a silent place like a cafe on a weekday morning was a scene that definitely had the potential to catch some people’s attention.

Levi couldn’t be too sure. He didn’t want to survey his surroundings either so he narrowed his view to just his own love alarm and back at Rico. The latter went for her phone.

From his own angle, Levi couldn’t see her interface but he was familiar with the way she had swiped it, to know she had turned it off. The two love alarms continued to ring in the silence. Even with the tension and awkwardness so thick that made it difficult to slog through, his brain was still moving.

He was blessed with at least enough deduction skills to quickly figure it out for himself.

He was in love with someone else in the room. But who? He surveyed his surroundings, keeping his view closed to only one person at a time. That gave him enough time to brush away the rest of the stares that surfaced from having made such a scene with the harsh ring of the love alarm.

Only after scanning for a second longer did his spatial awareness catch up to him. The other ringing was coming from behind. Levi turned behind him, quickly enough to catch the mop of chestnut brown hair. Fortunately, he had been slow and careful enough to pull away at the last second, missing her forehead by a hair’s breadth.

“Watch where you’re fucking going!” That had been Levi’s first instinct. After all, he was still seeing red, just imagining their heads slamming into each other in the middle of a very silent cafe.

The brunette in front of him, put one finger to her masked mouth, pointing at one of the old fashioned signs just above her seat.

In silence, there is eloquence. It read.

Hange was a very eloquent person. Levi had read enough messages from her and stalked enough of her works to know that much. Any other day, maybe any other minute, he would have been happy to listen, learn a thing or two from the master of diplomacy.

But Hange had virtually come out of nowhere. In the middle of a date.

Giving her a onceover though, noting her masked face. The only two things that made her recognizable then was her mop of brown hair tied in a ponytail and her masked mouth. Still, that had been more than enough for Levi to have seen through it.

She had settled on the seat behind him. The way she looked back at him and the way she had seemed a little too relaxed with a half finished cup of coffee just in front of her, Levi was sure she had been there for a while.

How much did she hear? Levi couldn’t ask just yet. The alarms were still ringing and as soon as Levi turned it off on his end, it stopped. Yet people continued to stare. More importantly, Rico was still staring from behind him.

“Do you two know each other?” She asked.

The answer didn’t come as quickly for Levi as he would have wanted it too. They knew each other, they’ve met at least twice. They’ve eaten out together once. But technically, did it count as ‘knew?’ Did Hange feel the same way?”

“We’re colleagues, working on the same project,” Hange answered for him.

Levi almost instantly realized he liked that answer. Colleagues. It was definitely more intimate than ‘knew each other.’ While at the same time, it held more respect in one’s skills and talent than the word ‘friends.’ And it implied in its own little way that Hange cared about the project just as much as he did.

It had been difficult to muster a straight face then. Still, he pushed forward, nodding when he struggled to stifle the motions of his mouth and the blood that rushed to his face then.

“But the… the love alarm… it…” Rico continued to speak. She shifted her eyes quickly between both Levi and Hange. “And you…” Her eyes fixed on Hange then.

Levi followed her eyes instinctively. Did Rico recognize Hange? He couldn’t confirm it for himself. Soon after that, Rico didn’t say anything in response. Instead she blinked back surprise. She started to clean out her things and place them into her bag.

“Wait, you’re leaving?” Levi wanted to pull her back. For a split second, he had reached out his hand, grasping his hand before pulling quickly back. He didn’t mind losing the chance at a second date. Just the thought of putting someone in such a tight and uncomfortable position had his stomach turning. He couldn’t for the life of him tell what she was thinking but he at least felt the tension.

Rico didn't have the most eloquent response either. “Sorry about this… I guess on my end it just feels wrong meddling in somebody else’s relationship… I don’t wanna be the one who’d stop people from getting together.”

Levi was quick to understand though. His thoughts flew back to Nanaba just a date ago and the long one sided counseling session which consisted of Nanaba’s long drawn monologues and Levi’s own grunts of understanding. The date which eventually ended with Nanaba finally figuring out for herself the best course of action.

You know, you’re right, Both of our love alarms rang. And that’s the whole point of this app right? If they both ring, it’s a sign, we should act on it.

And that was the whole point of the love alarm. How many times had he reviewed marketing material, love story commercials which ended with that same message?

Levi opened his mouth ready to speak up. By then, Rico was already out the door, any evidence of her presence just a second ago disappearing within seconds of her leaving. The chimes by the store entrance gradually slowed to a weak dance, the people who watched her leave eventually fell back to whatever they were doing beforehand, and Levi’s own protests had deadened into a light whisper.

It’s a bug. Besides, she’s married. The words had settled in his tongue like a familiar friend and he was sure if given the chance, he would have managed to say it loud and clear.

Levi looked back in his phone to see Rico had unmatched him, just a little too quickly.

“I think we should get that bug fixed soon,” Hange whispered. She sounded like she was stifling a laugh.

"For someone who's worried about the bug, you looked like you had a swell time ringing our alarms just a while ago," Levi said bitterly.

"Zeke's on a business trip and I'm bored and lonely."

“Well, don't take it out on me.” Levi took out his wallet and dropped the cash by the side of his drink, counting enough to pay for Rico’s drink too. He didn’t think too much about the receipt or the change.

The murmurs around him were more than enough to have him hurrying out of the cafe. Did they recognize Hange?

He thought it an appropriate time to satisfy his curiosity when they were both a good distance from the shop. “Do you think people recognize you as Zeke Jaeger’s partner?”

Hange put one finger to her mask. “I saw you outside the shop and when I thought of ringing your love alarm, I did what I could to prepare." Her eyes were still smiling though and Levi was sure there was a laugh behind that mask. "Besides, even though most people recognize Zeke, I don't think they'd notice me. I don’t join the interviews or events as much as he does,” Hange said.

Levi noticed though that Hange was the type to just get lost in her surroundings. Ort hat was at least what Levi had picked up on her the first few times they have gone together. She quickly relaxed after that short and quick question and answer, and in the way that she navigated through the crowds a little too clumsily yet a little too playfully, Levi found evidence backing up his mini theory.

Even if anybody did recognize her, she probably wouldn’t have noticed. And that little realization had made it much harder for Levi to stomach what just happened in the cafe. They needed to get the bug fixed fast. “Let’s go back to the office, maybe do some more testing.”

“Isn’t that why we’re here now?” Hange asked, pointing towards the general direction of their building. “I visited your office this morning because I didn't have much to doand I thought I could be helpful. You weren’t there so I asked around and one of the people from the support team told me you were out. She said probably in your favorite tea shop.”

“You met Petra?” Levi asked. “Redhead? Short?” He soon added, noting her confused expression.

Hange snapped her fingers. “Yes, that’s her name.”

“Yeah, she knows my favorite tea shop. Gets me my favorite mix of tea leaves every year for Christmas,” Levi said, more to fill the air with at least some conversation on the way back.

It took Levi a while to notice Hange had peeked at his face even as he averted his gaze, looking elsewhere.

She spoke up. “Say… Have you ever tried testing your love alarm on her?”

***

Petra was one of the newer employees, a little shy but particularly mature for her age. She was notably competent and had a particularly better handle of her emotions than most of the other colleagues. Her most important asset had been her level headedness even under the pressure of scrutiny. Petra was the type of person to know when she was attracted to someone and she was the type of person to admit it for the sake of a smoother testing process.

Thus, she was one of Levi's favorite volunteers when testing the love alarm.

And Levi was sure, to some degree she could have liked him. If he were to consider her words as truth, and the hearts at the bottom of the screen as some indication.

When they were testing every release on fifty employees over a one week period, putting results side by side with checklists and biometrics tests, they were as thorough as it could be. It was always the case that when it was the two of them testing with each other, Levi’s love alarm always rang, Petra’s didn’t. Every single time, Petra would tag that instance as ‘QA passed.’

It could have been a placebo effect or it could have also been just an admittance to get the testing process done just a little faster but Petra never seemed like the type, breezing through the awkward scenes that came with testing a love application like they were part of a job. If it ever bothered her, she never showed it.

Levi’s alarm never rang in any of the tests he had ever taken anyway. When he double checked though, lining up the results side by side with checklists of what to look out for when one was in love, he found that it never had been a big deal. He had never been attracted to anyone in particular anyway.

“So, I’m the only one your love alarm rang with huh?” Hange asked.

Except maybe Hange.“Yeah, when doing QA work, I’ve had to test with the other employees and it never rang with any of them,” Levi admitted.

“How does QA work?”

“We test with employees, users… All on a volunteer basis if I may clarify.” Levi added that last part for just a touch of professionalism. “We have acceptable ranges for biometrics, checklists and we have a certain number of results which need to fit there to consider a release viable.”

“Why don’t we test using the QA procedure?”

“Because the QA process is a logistical nightmare. We plan a venue. We plan a schedule and we have to get a certain number of people to show up.”

“No, I meant… What if we try it, just the two of us. We answer the checklists, we take each other's biometrics and see if that falls in the exact range for ‘love'?” Hange suggested and her excitable tone only made it seem like she was suggesting something almost revolutionary.

Levi sighed. “I’d rather we use QA testing as a last resort.”

Hange’s face fell. “Why?”

“Because.”

“Because?”

“Because…” Levi would have liked to leave it at that. As he looked at Hange who had leaned on the wall, crossing her arms and staring back at him expectantly, he remembered, it was a professional relationship. If the partner of their very important investor demanded answers, she would get answers so he settled for something seemingly acceptable yet very pathetic in the grand scheme of things. “We’re going to have to answer standardized psychology quizzes and take some physical tests.”

“And I’m sure you’d have a few samples lying around. Let’s see what information we can get,” Hange said.

There were other reasons Levi had been hesitant to suggest such an exam in the first place. It had been difficult to grasp for the exact reasons until they arrived in the conference room Levi had reserved.

The room was a vacuum that had the special power of just drowning out voices, footsteps from just outside the hallway. The tables were empty, the white board put away towards the side of the room. It was clean, empty, void of any presence or even trace of it. It made Levi just a little more painfully aware of his heartbeat, his moist palms and his wild uncoordinated breathing.

He might just fail the physical exam. More specifically, he might just fail if he took it then, at the exact moment.

Grasping for some win, or at the least some comfort in that situation, he had half the mind to run through the ‘Am I in love?’ checklist or at least what he remembered from it. If he were a little honest, there might have been some things he would have checked.

But it didn’t mean he would fail it right?

“What do you think?” Hange pressed. She had settled for one of the chairs in the room.

Levi had answers, but he couldn’t share it just yet. Inviting her to take that meant that he was entertaining the prospect that they might just be in love with her---a cursed prospect.

“Or do you have any other ideas?” Hange asked. She cocked her head to one side in thought.

“If you give me a little more time to come up with something…” Levi said.

“Petra told me you have a week or two before they release the next fix. You’ve done most of the coding work. You just need to fix this bug right?” Hange was very talkative. It turned out Petra had been just a little talkative too with the right prodding by Hange. “Why don’t you wanna just test it now?” Hange's face darkened then to something almost threatening.

And maybe Levi was a little intimidated. He quickly turned away, unable to control whatever expression would force itself out of him then.

“Levi?” Her voice was grating. The echoing in the room didn’t do much to help alleviate it. “Come on, please? I want this investment as much as you do.”

If the partner of their very important investor demanded answers, she would get answers.

But it didn’t have to be the correct answers. “Fine,” Levi said. “You know, maybe the way we test this application… the way we test for love might actually be flawed so maybe some feedback from a researcher like you could be useful.”

Hange grinned from ear to ear, the ominous face of a while ago just a memory Levi could probably forget. “So where do we start?”

***

Testing for the biological numbers was quick with the right tools.

Heart rate. Hormone levels. Stress Levels. Pain Sensitivity. They had all the right test kits on hand with a document detailing the acceptable range.

All reasonable levels, albeit a little too far from the midpoint that Levi held on to the possibility that maybe they could log it all in as some coincidence. The checklists were just a little more difficult and maybe Levi was just thinking a little too far off that he had started to have a mini identity crisis.

I think about my partner a few times a day.

Partner: Referring to the person one tests the application with. Levi was aware of that much having tested the application long before. Yet for some reason, he had to loudly remind himself of that, even within the confines of his mind.

He entertained hypotheses. If Hange were his partner, that would be polyamory and that could even start the scandal of the year, or even the decade. He didn’t want to be part of that.

So he ticked ‘never’ because technically Hange wasn’t his partner anyway.

I want to be with my partner everyday.

Hange was Zeke's partner. Just the idea of getting in between a married couple had Levi's stomach turning and it had been easy to tick never right next to it.

My partner trusts me.

It was too early to tell, or so that was what Levi told himself then.

The word ‘partner’ had been a convenient term. Zeke had been a convenient presence in his mind. And that had him ticking all the 'nevers' towards the edge of the page just a little more confidently.

Technically, Hange wasn’t his partner. Technically they just met, so words like trust, amicability, happiness, charisma, compatibility and charm, didn’t have to apply to them just yet. A few minutes later, he had checked enough ‘nevers’ to have armed himself with the confidence to look her in the eye.

Hange though wasn’t reciprocating, looking deep in thought with whatever question she had been answering. She bit her lip.

Hange eventually met his gaze. Instead of being just a little more satisfied, Levi was a little disappointed, more in himself than in anyone else. For that few seconds that Hange bit her lower lip in thought, her cheekbones had seemed fuller, her hazel eyes held an almost imperceptible yet still very enthralling glimmer, and regretfully, he didn’t take the time to relish it when it was right in front of him.

“How’s the test?” Levi asked.

“It’s fine,” Hange said.

Levi slid his own answers towards her. “We just have to calculate the number of ‘always,’ the number of 'sometimes,' the number of ‘nevers’ and just match it on the document over here.” He turned his laptop towards her.

“I can do it,” Hange said, pulling the laptop towards herself. The next few minutes passed in silence. Levi stared at the ceiling, trying to keep his heartbeat in time with the clack of the keyboard. Hange typed fast and chaotically but in a way, there was rhythm and order and that had helped him get into a position where he could just drop his shoulders and fall back on the chair behind him.

“You don’t think I trust you?” Hange asked.

“It’s too early to tell right?” Levi said. That answer had been scripted and it slipped out of his mouth easily.

Hange’s let out a light sound, a cross between with a hum and a chuckle. “Well, to tell you the truth, I put here that I didn’t trust you either.”

“Well that makes both of us, I guess,” Levi said.

Hange continued to type, filling the room with some predictable rhythm, a predictable rhythm his own wild heartbeat failed to provide. Eventually, it stopped, with one loud clack on the ‘enter’ button or at least, Levi guessed it was the enter button.

Soon after, Hange leaned back on the backrest of her own chair. “Biometrics all fall in the acceptable range. Test results all fall in the unacceptable range,” she said, her tone unreadable. Too professional but Levi surmised it could be her usual ‘research’ tone. He hadn’t known her long enough to be certain.

“Maybe we should get to know each other first and try to answer again?” Hange suggested. “We just met so I can’t fully trust you yet but I think, we could get along with the right…”

Environment? Amount of time? Mutual Processing? Levi couldn’t be too sure of the answer. She had said something else after the word ‘right’ or maybe she didn’t. Still, there was a problem that needed to be solved, there was an issue that needed to be addressed that extended beyond the need to resolve the feelings between two strangers.

Or two colleagues. Levi decided he liked the word colleagues better. “So what do you suggest Hange?” Levi asked.

“I wanna do further research with this application. We can tweak whatever processes you’re using now to QA, whatever processes you’re using to determine whether people are in love. Maybe we just have to fix that a bit.”

“This application took years to develop. It’s gonna be difficult to overturn a lot of the processes.”

“Without the right funding…” Hange said. She wagged her finger and gave Levi a knowing look.

Levi narrowed his eyes accusingly at Hange. “So how’s convincing Zeke been going?”

“That’s the caveat,” Hange said. “He’s not a very techy guy. He’s an investor and scientist more than anything and sometimes, even with the right proposition, he’ll stick to some really weird reasons why he wouldn’t invest in something. I don’t blame him though since millions of dollars are usually on the line with each investment.”

" So, I’m guessing you tried to convince him?”

Hange nodded. “I did. And it looks like he won’t budge unless you fix that ‘bug.’”

“The bug which caused his love alarm to not ring around you?” And the bug which is causing our love alarms to ring. Levi added silently to himself. “Can you explain to him that we need the money to continue improving the system?”

“I’ve been with him for years, Levi. I know how he is.”

“So what do you suggest we do?”

Hange hummed. “I don’t know how programming works but...Maybe you can program the application to make it work just the way that Zeke likes it... For the time being?”

***

No. Just no.

Those were the words written all over Petra’s expression. Levi only had to look at the other faces around him to be very much sure, everyone agreed with Petra

For posterity’s sake, he repeated those words. “I understand that the regression test is done but unless I am able to get to the bottom of this bug, we won’t be able to release the fixes,” Levi said. He kept his words soft, yet still loud enough to echo through the conference room. He said it slowly and clearly. Just in case it was a bit harder to hear through shock and surprise.

“Sir, a lot of the fixes in this release have been promised for months,” Petra argued. The professionalism in her voice was still admirably apparent.

“Erwin’s orders. I’m just repeating them now,” Levi said.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Gunther asked. “Have you found the reason behind it? I’m guessing if you do… we might have to make some changes to the code and go through regression testing again.”

“If ever that happens, I’ll handle the testing on my end,” Levi said. “It wouldn't be too hard, it’s just a blip in the code.”

“So you’ve found the cause?” Eld asked.

“Yes.” If Levi didn’t open his mouth to speak then, he was sure no one would have for the next few minutes. There was something festering in the silence, some common sentiment that he sensed among them, among those doubtful faces tinged with irritation and confusion.

He had always told them before. Always assume a user error first. And there was an apparent user error which he was sure everyone was entertaining.

What if Hange just didn’t love Zeke? A prospect that was ambrosia to Levi’s lips but at the same time a piece of ambrosia that he was sure was laced with poison. He couldn’t chew it, he couldn’t swallow for fear of just letting go for a few seconds longer, letting a smile curl up his lips during the most inopportune times.

Levi turned to Oluo in particular who he guessed would have been the one most likely to bring it up. The latter remained begrudgingly silent. It looked like no one else wanted to bring it up either. After all, Zeke was a huge opportunity for company growth, a huge opportunity for investment.

Eld spoke up.“If there’s anything we can do, just please ask. It might be too difficult of an investigation to do for one person.”

Levi shook his head. “I think this is an investigation I’d rather do alone.” There were parts of the investigation he hadn’t admitted to the team yet. All they had gotten in the report from Erwin was that Zeke’s alarm didn’t ring with Hange there but the scandal of their alarms ringing together was something he didn’t want circulating around the building.

And more importantly, there was another plan he and Hange have been entertaining, an almost unscrupulous scheme and he didn’t want anyone else involved.

***

It felt like he had run a marathon and he had been doing that slow jog for at least three days already. Or maybe it felt like he was trudging through a dessert and had been trapped there for the past three days.

He couldn’t tell for sure but his throat was constantly dry, his heart was constantly beating fast and any notification from Hange was either a water break or an oasis.

Three days ago, Zeke came back from his business trip. Four days ago, Levi sent the apk file to Hange.

“It’s a test build,” Levi said as soon as she confirmed she received it. “A test build I hard coded just for Zeke’s use.”

“Meaning…”

“Just say it’s a test build. Say I’ve fixed the code.”

“Meaning…”

“I hardcoded his data and the expected result. If he opens the alarm around you, his phone will ring," Levi explained. "It’s just a quick fix for now.”

Just a quick fix. Levi told himself multiple times. He had changed the code drastically enough though that the love alarm wouldn’t work as an expected love alarm, having customized it just to fit Zeke’s desires. For just long enough to get the money and long enough to find the actual cause of the bug.

“And tell him we’re asking for feedback before we release it,” Levi had added then.

The last time he had met her was three days ago when he dropped her the file, explained its use and when she had promised to download the apk file to Zeke’s phone.

She sent intermittent updates over the four day period. He liked it. He was enjoying it. He had confidence in the application.

Levi had to ruefully note though that the conversation never strayed too much from work. As expected from colleagues, as expected from business partners working towards the same goal.

Maybe a few times he had asked some vague questions just to get a hint of her daily life.

How’s Zeke? How are you guys?

Still, the answers always went back to updates on the application. When he was trudging to the desert or while running through some dirt track in his mind, even when the water tasted too artificially like plastic---too professional for his taste---he settled for it.

That was the only water he had after all.

Hange limited herself to ten messages a day, mentioning something about being bad at replying, apologizing for late replies. Levi had to admit though when he was working, he was guilty of a similar thing. Yet he found himself just a little irritable, a little desolate at such an outcome.

A week after he had last seen Hange, he decided to start reading the books about love again.

Love is a choice. Overused.

To love others, one must love themselves. He got that already.

Levi dropped his reader by the side of his bed and stared at the blank ceiling above him. The books on love were biased. They created for themselves an assumption, an assumption that she was his and whatever he had to deal with was some inner turmoil inside him, an inability to love. But what if he was willing to love? What if it was just a matter of circumstances just not letting him indulge in such an emotion.

He had entertained that for just a second before brushing away the nagging thought and the annoyingly sticky guilt that clung to it. Maybe there was merit in just turning off his emotions then, just discarding the overall idea of love. He deleted the books Hange had sent him from his ebook reader.

If the company got the funds, if Hange got the greenlight on her research, he would see her again, he would be forced to read those books and they would be forced to work together.

Then and there, he didn’t need to think about it just yet. He didn’t have to put himself through the pain of analyzing circumstances and emotions that left a heavy weight and an ache in his chest.

He could forget Hange until then. He could ignore her messages and maybe focus on something else like an action movie or a video game. He had streaming service subscriptions, he had game emulators on his laptop. Soon he discovered, with the right combination of focus, willpower just getting through slow starts, it was easy to immerse himself in something as mundane as a city building game.

He was halfway through building one of his farms and was already attached to the regular city goers of the small city he created for himself when his phone rang. That abrupt and grating sound had been enough of a reminder, Levi still wasn’t completely over being sad. He quickly reached for the phone on the side of his bench in an ungraceful and seemingly desperate chain of motions that had him almost ashamed of himself.

His laptop had been one of the victims, toppling over to the side of the bed but by god’s grace it had only skimmed the edges before laying flat on its side.

Levi muttered a soft curse. This message better be worth it. And the only message he decided would be worth it, would be a message from Hange which didn’t involve that stupid application.

Leviiiiiii are you free? :))))))))))

Free when? Levi was quick to reply. Now? Tomorrow? Next week? Really, he was always free, it was just a matter of asking for a leave and opening his schedule. He didn’t want to seem so pathetic as to tell her that though

Long weekend this weekend so Zeke offered to take us south to one of our country clubs.

Us?

Erwin is coming too. Levi didn't’ know whether to feel relieved or disappointed at that exposition. Before he could reply though, the messages kept coming.

Think of it as a thank you for the app ;)

And a start to a great partnership ;)

Hange had too many smileys, too many winky faces but recently, she had started to pepper her messages with just a little too much. They were colleagues, very friendly colleagues. For a second, he wondered how many smileys Hange used when messaging Zeke.

Still, Levi saw some glimmer of hope and optimism in the fact that they were creating a special bond in their own way.

And who would he be to turn down a special invite from a special colleague. I’ll see you there then :) He added his own smiley in the end, trying to forget the fact that he had wasted a good few seconds vacillating between the winking smiley face and the normal one.

Hange’s reply came quickly and maybe a little more enthusiastically. Okay! We’ll pick you up Friday night at the office :D

Levi was grateful at least he had something to look forward to.

#levihan #levihan fanfiction #zekehan

56 notes · View notes

danny-chase · 4 years ago

Text

The Batfam as Tech Majors

AU where Alfred got tired of watching Bruce slap duct tape on the Batmobile and call it good, so he forced the children into college. He makes each of them complete an internship with Lucius in R and D so they have better knowledge of how the devices that their lives depend on work. Majors/minors/tropes under cut.

Dick:

Mechanical Engineering Major

He was in undeclared engineering for as long as possible

He settled on mechanical because it seemed the most broad

Plus he joined a car club, loved it, and there were a ton of MechE’s there

He ends up taking credit overloads most semesters because he always finds 1-3 random classes that he wants to take

Despite taking everything from advanced computer science classes (he somehow convinces even the most intense professors to let him into their classes) to hyper specific phycology classes, he doesn’t have any minors to show for it

He just gets bored with the subject after a couple classes

This gives him a bunch of random knowledge

When he talks to his younger siblings about classes, somehow he’s always managed to take at least one that they’re in, and offers advice.

He has the best RA stories. He most certainly did not need to be an RA. But the school was hurting for them and he thought it would be fun.

His residents loved him, but that didn’t stop them from playing beer pong in the common spaces at 3am.

He founds a circus arts club after his residents pull up information about his past and get overly excited about it

Specifically, he finds out they know about his past, because one of them decided it was a good idea to try and juggle knives, and because he’d prefer there not to be any additional bloodstains on the carpet he decides to start the club

He nearly graduated late because he forgot he needed to take specific classes for his major

Barbara:

Computer Science/Math duel Major

She’s a TA for Comp Sci 1, all the students fight to get her help because she’s amazing at spotting bugs and is super patient

Somehow she’s the president of 3 clubs and is on student senate

She’s the curve breaker

She gets homework assignments meant to take a week done the day they’re assigned

She and Dick went to a single party together, stayed for five minutes, decided it was too loud, and went to get ice cream

Along with her club, she’s in professional organizations, and is part of a women in STEM mentoring program

She started a petition to get more wheel chair ramps installed. Half the buildings are protected under some “historical grounds” bs that’s an excuse for not being accommodating

The petition didn’t go anywhere at first, but it was widely shared on social media and made the school look horrible, so they implemented some of her proposals

Jason:

Philosophy/Cognitive Science duel Major

He gets asked “There’s a philosophy major?” every time he has to do one of those stupid what’s your name and major icebreakers

Jason lives in the library

He’s fallen asleep in there at 3am after it gets locked up

He quotes philosophers at his siblings when they’re being annoying, and it effectively shuts them up, because he only quotes the most nonsensical arguments

He gets involved with the college’s community outreach program

He volunteers for a local robotics team

When people find out his majors, they’re genuinely confused, because he understands robotics really well

He lies his ass off about being really interested in it as a child

Dick convinced him to be an RA for a semester, and he almost had a heart attack

Someone choked in front of him on the first day

Despite seeming like a tough RA, he genuinely cared about his residents and had to quit because he was so stressed out that one of them would do something stupid and die

Cass:

Innovation/Design Major

She’s really observant, so she’s great at spotting flaws in infrastructure and coming up with ways to fix them

Spending time with Barbara made her realize the lack of systems designed with wheelchair users in mind

Her experience being illiterate and not knowing English has imprinted on her the need for signage that can be understood by anyone

She focuses on taking project based classes, where she can draw out her designs and build them, rather than figuring out the math behind them

She has patents for the inventions she created at WE

She was exempted from the “Alfred’s mandatory college degree program” but decided to go as a part time student for herself

It took her twice as long to graduate, and a lot of tutoring from her siblings, but she made it!

The family threw her an extra special party when she graduated - everyone else had minor celebratory dinners, but they went all out for Cass

There was not a dry eye at her graduation ceremony

Cass works part time with WE on and off as a designer after her first internship

She comes up with ideas during patrols, draws them and sends them to Lucius

Tim:

Computer Science Major with a minor in game design

He makes it to approximately 20% of his lectures

He nearly didn’t graduate on time because he put off his humanity courses for so long

He missed the actual ceremony, even though the family showed up

He starts all his assignments the day before they’re due

If at all possible he avoids groupwork and offers to do assignments by himself because he gives his teammates heart attacks when he starts his part the project at 3pm the day before it’s due

This leads to extremely frequent all-nighters

He always finds himself rewriting everyone else’s code to make it work more efficiently

This can, of course, cause some people to feel a little upset

Other students specifically seek him out as a teammate so they can half ass their parts

He participates in game jams when he has time, and got super into the hacking club

Against all odds, he joined a fraternity

Dick literally fell off a building when he found out

He makes up stories about partying for the heck of it, when in reality he and the guys just play Smash Bros together until 3am

He hasn’t seen anyone drink more than two beers, and he hasn’t tried alcohol there either

He joined on accident, he had just pulled an all-nighter and stumbled into a recruiting fair, he heard someone shouting about Mario Kart Double Dash, and bada bing bada boom, he agreed to rush because it involved being stuck in a room playing video games all weekend

Steph:

Civil Engineering Major with minors in Sustainability and STSS (Science, Technology, and Social Science)

She gets constantly shit on for being a civie

Every time she introduces herself someone mumbles “fake mechie” in the background

She and Jason complain about the disrespect together

She was genuinely shocked when Bruce offered to pay for her college tuition

She’d been planning on going and cutting costs any way possible

But Bruce took her aside when she was applying and offered to pay it all

She refused at first, but then money just appeared in her bank account, and what was she supposed to do, give it back?

She also participates in professional groups and is a member of SWE (Society of Women Engineers), and she mentors younger students

She ends up as class president by running a very successful social media meme campaign

She got and email saying she’d won and panicked because she had no idea what she was doing and was just having fun making memes

She ended up staying class president the entire time, and ended up getting really into it, and ended up with a pretty solid approval rating

She joined a sorority and had a blast

They worked with the local animal shelter, and she started bringing Damian along as well

Her sisters think he’s adorable and he secretly enjoys the attention

She gets her revenge on all the civil engineering haters by landing her dream job redesigning the poorer areas of Gotham to include more green spaces, increase affordable housing, and upgrading access to utilities

Duke:

Biochemisty Major with a minor in Neuroscience

Harper, Tim, Steph, and him are all in the same year

Tim convinces him to join the fraternity with him

He joins a variety of professional groups as well

He mentors other BIPOC, and joins NSBE (National Society of Black Engineers) and runs helps run professional development programs

But he’s also in like million other clubs that he does not put on his resume

He’s runs the college’s meme page club, is part of the Pokémon Go club, is on the competitive Overwatch team, consistently attends the anime club’s Dragon Ball Z watch parties, joins the Dance Dance Revolution club, and the list goes on and on

When Tim is awake, and Harper isn’t busy, they go with him, but both of them have too much inconsistencies in their schedule to join

He ends up meeting like half the campus

He unintentionally has become a god of networking

Unlike his siblings, he goes all the way for a doctorate

He researches Joker venom, determined to figure out a cure for his parents (in my HC, he eventually does)

He wins like every award imaginable for his groundbreaking research into venoms as he comes up with vaccines that save countless lives

He still works on the meme page, even after he graduates

Harper:

She somehow defies all odds and triple majors in Physics, Mechanical Engineering, and Electrical Engineering

She takes credit overload every semester, and gets credit for her internships at WE

She and Steph were roommates freshman year, and Steph swears that Harper never sleeps

She is the most wanted partner for every engineering project

She thrives in college, and lives off of coffee

She’s in the front row in every lecture

She doesn’t leave the lecture halls, she’s gotten locked in more than once after falling asleep

She had a heart attack the first time she saw students using the machine shop

Half the students weren’t wearing safety glasses, she counted three people wearing slides, the machines were rusted over, the soldering irons were all broken, and she nearly watched someone break their wrist using a power drill

She refuses to work there

Her secret to success is prioritizing - she absorbs the material like a sponge so if homework is only worth 5%, it isn’t getting done, and she’ll just cram before the exam

She almost joined Tim and Duke’s frat (it’s co-ed), but she didn’t have the time

They let her in without rushing senior year because Tim ended up as the boss, and he said so

Cullen:

I don’t know a ton about Cullen, but I feel like he would be a comp sci major

He comes in when Harper, Tim, Duke, and Steph are upperclassmen, and he joins all of Duke’s clubs

They have a million inside jokes

To the other siblings, it seems like the two have their own language

He also joins a club that mentors LGTBQ+ students at the local high school, and encourages them to pursue STEM careers if they’re interested

Jason recruits him as a mentor for the robotics team (he’s the lead mentor at this point) after some of the kids in his mentoring program mention him at a meeting and Jason is like O.O

He avoids parties at all costs, and ends up joining the frat as well

It’s all Duke’s fault he’s in a frat

He does however, meet some lovely boys in the frat

Damian:

Aerospace Engineering/Environmental Engineering dual Major with minors in sustainability and biology

He nearly riots when he’s presented with the college’s idea of a vegetarian/vegan meal

He manages to get out of the meal plan after that, and begins rallying students to push for better options that contain actual protein

He joins a community service club that works with the local animal shelter, and secretly joins the circus arts club (that’s thriving even without Dick there)

He learns how to sew blankets out of old clothes for the animals

He and Barbara are the only siblings to graduate with a 4.0, simply because they were the only one that took the time to actually do all the homework, and remembered to turn things in on time

He refuses to live in the dorms, and instead lives in one of their apartments nearby (once again somehow managing to complain to the college enough to get his housing waived)

He literally walked in once when visiting Duke, and immediately walked out, and resolved never to step near one again

He makes a total of three friends while at the school, both are in the animal shelter club

They exchange vegetarian/vegan recipes, and get together to cook

He decides to move off campus with them his junior year when they needed another roommate, and he won’t admit it to his siblings, but he had a ton of fun

He and his friend group may have joined an animal rights hacktivist group and may have helped orchestrate some major hacks

Poisson Ivy finds out and feeds him targets and information when they’re supposed to be fighting (she just walks back to Arkham if the others aren’t watching, and slips him a list at the end)

Bonus Bruce:

He cries at every graduation

He’s asked to make a speech at every graduation

He never does - it’s about his kids, not him

He single handedly is keeping the school from bankruptcy - not that any of his kids (other than probably Barbara) know

He sobbed for days after Cass graduated

He genuinely didn’t expect Dick or Tim to graduate

After Dick graduated, he wouldn’t let Bruce touch any of the equipment, and the rest of his kids followed suit

He isn’t actually bad at engineering, his education was just super informal, and hey duct tape works 95% of the time in his experience

The real reason Alfred was annoyed was because he refused to take the time to properly fix something if someone was in danger, and then he’d forget that he’d just used duct tape to patch something

But now since no one lets him touch anything, he’s genuinely lost a lot of the knowledge

But in a pinch, he can fix stuff

98 notes · View notes

serenawitchwriter · 4 years ago

Text

BNHA fusion (Bakusquad/Todoroki)

TodoBaku

i pity endeavor

somehow angrier than bakugou? like it’s less of a tsundere, shouty way and more of a punk rock 100% ready to throw down at the slightest provocation

has less tolerance for spice but will eat it anyway

spicy noodles

a lot blunter with his actual thoughts

so much fire, i’m imagining because of Baku's chemical secretion they could possibly make some kind of plasma, though i doubt that makes scientific sense.

also shoots steam out of one their hands

spiky red and white hair, not split down the middle but streaky. a bit like natsuo only more integrated

red eyes, no heterochromia, but keeps the scar

handsome, but constantly looks a bit constipated

really self-critical

incredibly good at mocking people. easily makes people cry with his insults because they’ll attack the thing about you that you don’t like

surprisingly unaggressive towards midoriya. like bakugou’s rivalry/aggression toward him is somehow dampened by todoroki’s love of mido

also tolerant of specifically mina, uraraka, and kirishima. everyone else push their buttons to the point of pissing them off.

i’d like to see them fight dabi because it feels like they’d have similar vibes, except todobaku is less theater kid.

would absolutely wear a leather jacket

despite their angry punk energy, they still pretty anal about self care and schedules. like they’re straight edge nerds about everything but fighting

KiriTodo

chaotic

like they aren’t a bad person but they are a dumbass and the shit that they get up to is spectacularly wild

completely red hair, silky texture. either slicks it back or spikes it into a mohawk. depends on the day

still scarred, red and blue eyes.

shark teeth but in a softer shaped face

usually shirtless, especially when it’s inappropriate

will eat literally anything

incredibly insecure but honest about it

clingy to his friends in an almost desperate way. like his friends will always be their for him but even then he’s struggling to feel secure about it

slow burn anger, but is the most terrifying person to see angry. you do not want to see him get genuinely pissed

an incredibly kind person

fantastic with animals

another elemental quirk user

i have the mental image of a rock golem running at the enemy while on fire and covered in ice. again, avoid pissing him off

pauses a lot while talking and uses a lot of filler words like ‘like, um, and uh”. almost like a valley girl

deceptively smart and emotionally mature. like they have their moments of being profound, of getting where others are coming from, of doing something totally genius

but is also a dumbass the vast majority of the time. like you’d be shocked at how stupid he can be

can’t fucking read

affectionate towards Bakugou and Midoriya. thinks they’re all best friends. isn’t entirely wrong. loves Mina as well

cuddly as hell, but is not comfortable to cuddle with. he’s too hard and he’s never the right temperature

TodoMina

chaotic part 2

a weird combo, probably not very stable

candy cane colored curls, with a pink transition color in their hair. still has horns.

it’s hard to tell that they’re scarred with pink skin. heterochromic eyes, one blue, the other yellow with black sclara

has a creepy laugh

fully into being an alien and is attempting to convince people it’s true, not in a joking way.

more plasma options in terms of quirks. i don’t know how freezing or heating acid effects it, but the effect can probably be used for something

will do basically anything they put their mind to, no matter how absurd. once they make a decision they’re going to do it hell or high water

shift back and forth between being incredibly hyper and on the ball, and being exhausted and antisocial.

overly invested in gossip and discovering the truth. nosy as hell

impossible to predict

probably into yoga?

manic pixie dream girl? definitely quirky

has a mean sense of humor, and is sometimes just mean in general. generally has good intentions but won’t hesitate to cut people down when they feel they ‘deserve it’

candy addiction

TodaKami

very stable

very funny and chill

stoner vibes regardless of if they do drugs

zones out constantly

black lightning in the white half, red lightning in yellow half of hair. fine and silky as hell

green eyes, no scar. probably needs glasses but doesn’t have them yet

weather powers. can make storms, clouds, effect temperature. can be effected by their own weather and injures themselves often

but is an op fighter anyway

both a memer and conspiracy theorist but in an entertaining way. could have a buzzfeed unsolved style show if they find the right skeptic. i feel like iida would be a cute partner for that. obviously todokami is the unhinged one

will eat literal garbage. i could see them eating from a dumpster because the pizza looked okay

rude mouth, says what he’s thinking regardless of how hurtful it is. isn’t intentionally trying to be mean.

obsessed with dragons

constantly tired. they sleep and sleep but it is never enough

pretty cuddly and quiet when zoned out

a fantastic hugger

baby

Todosero

weird but in an inexplicably normal way

like they’re not getting bullied for it, they’re not subverting society or being overly chaotic. they’re just kinda... odd.

possibly a fae in disguise?

fixed looking smile

scarred. small black eyes. hair is split to be red and white. but the roots are black

obviously still has tape elbows. quirk is probably some kinda fire and ice whip. makes a lot of icicles as well. has many creative applications, especially because they’re both range attacks

executive dysfunction anyone?

loves manga, particularly weird artsy kind, or horror and mysteries

will chill in high places for hours. probably makes a full spiderweb or cocoon or hammock.

just likes getting away from people

wears Hawaiian shirts casually. on the tame side

loves the beach

loves noodles more than life itself. has a mission to try every type of noodle

probably gets stuck places and gets lost easily

makes people uncomfortable. kind of person who just stands silently and stares at you. will wait until you notice him to speak. so sometimes he’ll just be standing silently behind you for five minute and than you’ll finally turn around and have a heart attack,

will otherwise jut kinda stand at the periphery of groups and stare blankly. like that vine of the guy disassociating at a party

never quite jives with the conversations, timing always seems off. they’re just really awkward

pretty fun loving given the opportunity. hanging out with friends is their favorite activity

vibes fairly well with ojiro and hagakure

TodoJirou

cool

makes ice puns, which is lame but gay/lesbian solidarity part 2

white and purple hair in a bob. no scar. has the earphone jacks. purple and silver eyes. petite

deserves to wear sunglasses at all times. probably doesn’t but they deserve to

incredibly chill

actually pretty lazy given the opportunity

still plays the bass and is quite passionate about it

husky singing voice. it’s good but unique, most suited towards indie stuff, not belting Broadway.

plays with earjacks constantly

in love with momo

powers aren’t particularly enhanced by each other. have to get pretty creative to make it effective. don’t mind that much, they aren’t trying to be number one, they’re just herre to help

probably always in a leather jacket

generally pretty sweet, especially towards close friends. it’s a quiet kindness. more shown by putting extra food on your plate when you’re not eating enough, instead of demanding you eat more verbally

sardonic

stable

easily annoyed, especially by injustice. if something is unfair they’ll get mad

generally incredibly mellow, one of the less feral fusion overall

(masterlist)

#fusion au #bnha #mha #bakusquad #todobaku #todomina #todokiri #todosero #todojirou #serenawitchwriter

92 notes · View notes

justgenshinstuf · 4 years ago

Note

I love the team headcanons! They are such a creative and fun idea! May I request my team which consist of female traveler, tartaglia, keqing and jean?

Oof, sorry for taking so long! I hope you will still like my ideas about dynamics in your team >< And thank you for your kind words! It truly means a lot c;

Team Headcanons: Traveler, Tartaglia, Keqing and Jean

When you started going on missions together with Jean you became 10 times more productive. She knew the layout of Mondstadt perfectly and was also very organised and experienced in battle.

Jean may be of a noble background, looking like a true lady with beautiful blonde hair and sky-blue eyes, but there was no doubt she is a true knight. Powerful, fearless and dedicated to her goal of protecting Mond and now you too.

Despite being so good with the sword and skilful in use of her Anemo Vision she’s never been violent and is guided by the code of chivalry. You had a lot to learn from such an outstanding companion.

When you became closer you were excited to see more of her true self, not as Acting Grand Master but as Jean. The more times you spent together, the more you had the chance to see her getting a moment of rest and open up.

Your usual routine of going on missions and battling nonstop before Jean had to rush to her other duties was fun and all, but nothing could provide you such joy as having a friendly chat together while preparing for the next adventure or simply having a snack. You were quite amused to learn about Jean’s love for fast food.

You would start bringing take out to her office from time to time, and she would always apologise she can’t offer you something in return. She is also absolutely addicted to coffee and would drink it any chance she got.

Before learning of Jean’s sleeping habits you’d thought you were the one who likes to stay late. She is so hard-working it seemed like she doesn’t sleep at all on certain days. You had to almost beg her to have some rest, seeing dark circles appearing under her eyes by the end of the week.

One time you had a little chat about hobbies while you were helping Jean with some paperwork (it took you some time to convince her to accept the help she definitely needed). She shyly admitted she likes reading when she gets to spare some time to herself.

You decided to get her a few books to bring with you on the following mission. Maybe that could get her to take some rest. When you asked Lisa to give you something about legendary heroes or tales of the knights, she silently pulled a pocket book of romantic novels and gave you a wink.

Sometime after you had to leave to Liyue Harbor, a tough decision, considering Jean probably had to stay as Acting Grand Master in Mondstadt. You spent the day before your departure together, and even though Jean kept cheering you up, she seemed as heartbroken as you were.

When it was time for you to take the nights rest, Jean, with slight hesitation, mentioned she would go to The Great Tree at Windrise to collect her thoughts. It was a place she tend to often visit in solitude to think and to ask the Wind for guidance.

«Wind, please forgive my selfishness». She started her prayer, trying to organise all the thoughts going through her head. «I promised not to give shame to my family’s name, but I’ve been struggling with my faith…»

On the day of your departure some of your newly found friends came to see you off. You were worried, as only Jean was nowhere to be seen. Did she decide not to come? When you were almost ready to take your ride you saw her running towards you in full gear, like on any usual day of your adventures and treasure hunting.

«The Wind took my worries away!» Jean declared, still stying to catch some breath. « I hereby swear that my sword shall always go with you». You soon learned that to her, her knightly duty is more important than her role as Acting Grand Master.

«Traveling by your side made me realise there are things beyond Ordo Favonious». Jean tried to explain her sudden decision on your way to Liyue. «We have the power to help people in need, to change the world for the better. It’s the greater good the knight must strive for and that’s what I swear my loyalty to».

In Liyue you caught the attention of another powerful woman. Yuheng of the Liyue Qixing, skilful Electro user Keqing, who was in charge of real estate and construction in the city. She kindly suggested to become your guide during your stay and provide all the assistance needed on your quest.

You now have a feeling it had more to do with spying on you on behalf of Qixing than she would admit. She is truly dedicated to her work and holds herself and others to the hight standards. Keqing would not rest until all her tasks are done, much like Jean.

Hanging out with both of them surely put you under some pressure. Being near such workaholics and overachievers made you question your productivity and competence, even though as a team you were a true definition of girl power.

Keqing is a true perfectionist and despises laziness. She and Jean always woke up at the sunrise (or were they sleeping at all?), discussed the plan for the day, prepared breakfast and had time to practise and sharpen their swords, all while you were still drowsy from sleep. You truly thought Keqing would soon electrocute you if you slept in again.

«Why would you think I hate you?». She laughed when you timidly brought it up. «You may be a bit unorganised, but I surely can admire one’s determination and straightforwardness. People like you forge their own path and I respect that». You both slightly blushed in embarrassment.

It was quite a relief when Tartaglia joined your team. It was fun to have a dash of chaos for a change, but for Jean and Keqing it was more like a handful. His unpredictable behaviour would visibly put them on edge.

They would usually discipline you a bit from time to time. Childe wouldn’t take them seriously though, up until your first big fight as a team. Oh, he wasn’t as full of himself as before he’d seen all of you in action. He’s eyes instantly lightened up with some kind of new previously unknown emotion.

«Ladies, please allow me to invite you for a friendly sparring session tonight». He almost purred, fixing his hair a bit. He lusts for combat and is obsessed with becoming more and more powerful even if it means letting Keqing beat his ass three times a day. (She can admire the dedication).

Jean had a hard time accepting Tartaglia as her teammate, being way more strict and stern around him. A bit of a game-changer for her was his rule of not hurting innocent people, despite his habit of causing havoc, and his ability to follow a certain schedule even if the only things on the schedule are fights. She still feels iffy about him seeing himself as a proud man of sword (what a show-off).

You were closer with Childe than anyone on the team and probably anyone outside his family, so it was you who could see a more serious side of him. Sometimes, on the days you managed to make Jean and Keqing rest a bit and have reasonable hours of sleep, you would stay for the night watch together and chat about anything and everything.

On occasions he would go deep into his thoughts. The knights, the chivalry, a dedication to greater good, adventuring with you and how straight-forward and sincere you all are. It really reminded him of all the stories about Adventurers and Heroes his father used to tell him when he was a kid, something he hasn’t remembered in awhile. And it also brought up his resentment towards fellow Harbingers, those Fatui whose methods and principles were so far from his own.

«Hey, frowny-face. What are you thinking?»

He was a bit hesitant. «Oh, it’s nothing, I just…» He sighed «I sometimes wish I had a chance to be on the right side of history… What? Ahh, just kidding, good guys are boring anyway, haha». He laughed, scratching the back of his head, thinking about changing the subject.

«But you are on the right side! You’re here with me». You argued.

That was very sweet of you to say, but Childe wouldn’t respond. He’d just keep looking back at you with his puppy-eyes and a sloppy smile on his face. Sorry, dear, it may be too late for me.

#genshin impact #genshin headcanons #genshin x reader #genshin tartaglia #genshin childe #genshin jean #genshin keqing #genshin traveler #team headcanons #genshin team hc #my hcs #anon request #genshin fic

98 notes · View notes

catboymingi · 5 years ago

Text

bittersweet

navi/masterlist

pairing: mingi x reader

genre: angst, fluff; best friends to strangers to enemies to lovers

word count: 7.7k

warnings: self harm, mental illness, suicidal thoughts (though no behaviour described in detail at all), addiction (alcoholism to be precise), language

a/n: this one’s heavy... also this is heavily based on personal experience so don’t come jumping at me for inaccuracies thank u - also the links during the story take you to the same song as the first link, but they have the swedish og lyrics on hover (sorry mobile users)

när jag var liten kändes alltid som att det var du och jag mot skiten / så jag ville att vi skulle göra allt tillsammans / men jag märkte tydligt att du ville nånting annat / behandlade mig sämst / vi var bara ungar - when i was small it always felt like it was you and me against the world / so i wanted us to do everything together / but i noticed clearly that you wanted something else / treated me worst / we were just kids

you had no idea what happened. you’d been so close with mingi ever since you moved, him being the first friend you’d made in the new school, and eight-year-old you really appreciated him. he fought off the bullies for you, he was always there, but suddenly he wasn’t. you were in high school, and everything had been as always, until it wasn’t. until he started avoiding you like you had a deadly and contagious disease, like you’d killed his parents. he hated you and you had no idea why, had no idea why your best friend suddenly decided that some random people he’d barely ever talked to before were a better company than you, who’d been with him through thick and thin for the past decade. saying that you were heartbroken was an understatement.

it took you so long to get back on track after the day mingi had started avoiding you, hating you, but eventually, you managed to do it. you banned all thoughts of him from your head, deleted all messages, pictures, and other traces of him you had on your phone and got rid of all physical memories, too. your parents knew you weren’t okay, and they were so relieved when you asked them if you could set something on fire in the backyard, because it finally seemed like you were getting closer to healing. it had been months, and they’d been worried for your life, but they had no idea how to get your now ex-best friend to reach out to you. they couldn’t call him up and just tell him that he needed to talk to you before you killed yourself, even though they wished they could.

by the time you started university you were almost back to normal, the only outward signs of what you’d gone through being the scars covering your arms and your refusal to drink alcohol, at all. you got obsessed with your major, studying to become a therapist so that you could maybe, hopefully help people feel understood and okay when they were in a similar situation to the one you’d been in. this passion made you the best of your year, acing all exams because every free minute was spent on revising the materials and taking on extra projects and doing all you could to keep yourself busy.

but you weren’t okay, not actually. the worry was still there, the fear, and it was the reason why you hadn’t made a single friend even when the fourth semester of university was almost over already. it was after a particularly hard exam (that of course you’d aced again) that you, for the first time since your other half had left, agreed to go out with someone, a random dude from your course that you’d consequently ignored up to that point who invited you to some maths major’s party.

“it’s gonna be fun, and we deserve some fun after that fucking hell of an exam” was how he had convinced you, and you decided that it couldn’t hurt.

what you didn’t know then yet, however, was that he’d ditch you the second you’d taken off your jacket at the party that same evening, saying that if he’d known that you were a nutcase he’d never have asked you out.

“you’re hot but that’s just not what i wanna put up with.” and that from a psychology major. great.

the evening got worse when you found out whose party this was. you didn’t even know that mingi went to the same uni as you, and he’d obviously moved out of his parents’ house by now, so the address didn’t ring a bell, either. it was first when you saw him that you realised. and everything came crashing down on you again, all the things you’d convinced yourself you were over. and even though you’d promised yourself you’d never touch alcohol again, not even cough medicine including it, you broke that promise now, going straight for the hard liquor. that seemed to impress the horny idiots around you, how you downed it without even flinching, and because you didn’t care about what you should and shouldn’t do right now you let the first one to make a move touch you up and down, making out with you (which had effectively stolen your first kiss from you, but what did it even matter anymore?) and whispering to your ear just how hot you were. you didn’t care for him, but you knew that the one you cared for couldn’t give fewer shits about you. you were tired of being alone, of being hurt, of being lonely, and you just wanted to forget. so you let this dude whose name you didn’t know and didn’t care to know make out with you on the kitchen counter, because by now there was no way your situation could get any worse anymore, anyway.

your lack of interest seemingly didn’t stay hidden to him, though, so at some point he left you with a displeased grunt. it was obvious he’d expected a little more excitement from you, and now he was looking for the next drunk girl he could get to fuck him. you didn’t care. you got some more alcohol, pushing every thought of your parents as far away as you could, because you knew they’d be so disappointed. they’d always cared, but it hadn’t changed anything for you. the one you needed to care didn’t even notice how you were slipping. you’d be surprised if he’d even known that you got hospitalised after graduation.

but now you were here, in his house, and you hated it, hated him, hated yourself. you wanted to get out, to disappear before he’d ever even notice you’d been there in the first place, so you stole a bottle of whatever was closest to you and left the house.

it was embarrassing that you weren’t even drunk yet. you had no idea how much you’d drunk, but you barely felt tipsy. so when the one you wanted to leave you alone the most came outside after you, you had to deal with the emotions that that caused in you entirely sober.

“the fuck do you want?” you hadn’t expected yourself to be able to be angry at him when you’d get to talk to him again. you’d expected yourself to cry, to break down and beg for him to come back, but maybe at least that the alcohol saved you from.

“i want to check up on you. since when do you drink?”

you hated him. you fucking hated him more than anything else you’d ever hated, except for maybe yourself, and you hated that he thought he had the right to check up on you now when he was the reason you were even in this state at all.

“let’s see. i think you last talked to me on the fifteenth of january, two years ago? so it’s gotta be the sixteenth.” maybe it wasn’t fair to confront him with the effects of what he did like this, but it hadn’t been fair of him to leave you hanging like this either. he deserved this, deserved to know what the fuck he’d done to you. that he’d destroyed the happy, passionate, excited you that you’d been, replacing her with a bitter, suicidal bitch with trust issues through the roof.

“why?” he seemed confused, and you wanted to spit in his face. you wanted to punch him. you wanted anything but to have to talk to him.

“take a wild fucking guess.” and with those words you turned on your heel, leaving him with his emotions as you left with the bottle of alcohol that wouldn’t make it to the next morning.

you were slipping again. picked up all the bad habits you’d had, barely getting sleep because you still had to study, were still obsessed with getting the best grades, but now also had unhealthy habits to feed, so there wasn’t a lot of time left for sleep. it didn’t matter, though - why sleep if you’d only have nightmares either way?

luckily you didn’t see mingi again after that night. that was, until he’d somehow figured out your major, your classes, your schedule, and was waiting for you in front of your classroom after your last class for the day. you tried to bolt, but he grabbed your wrist instinctively to keep you from running away. when you yelped out in pain, though, he let go as if he’d just burned himself. until now he hadn’t even noticed what you looked like. but now that he did, it broke his heart.

“what do you want now? want to fuck me up again? because i can do that by myself now, thank you very much.” your voice shot daggers at him, and he looked like a hit puppy. what made this worse was that he knew you were right.

“please talk to me. i brought vodka.” he didn’t intend to give it to you, but you didn’t have to know that. and his weak bribing worked, which only made him feel even more awful. just how fucking hurt did you have to be to talk to him, the guy you very obviously hated, just because he offered you free booze?

“come.” and you did, followed him to a park near uni you knew was notorious for getting fucked or wasted, and you intended to keep up this reputation as you sat down next to him.

“alcohol.” it wasn’t even a question, you just demanded the bottle, but he wasn’t about to comply.

“first you talk to me.”

the angry glare you gave him could have killed him had you kept it up for longer than a couple seconds, but you sighed in frustration and looked away.

“fine then, talk. but this vodka better be damn good.”

he didn’t know how to start, though. ran his hands through his hair and shifted constantly and looked everywhere but at you. but then, finally, he got his shit together.

“what happened to you?” his eyes were fixed on your arms, the arms whose skin was a lot smoother and healthier the last time he’d seen it, and his voice was soft, almost as if he cared. maybe it was because of that that your reply held less sharpness than the past ones had.

“what do you think?” and his heart broke. he didn’t want it to be him, he didn’t want this to be because of him, he didn’t want to be at fault for so much pain and suffering.

“it’s me.” and when you nodded he wished someone’d beat him up, hard and good, just so he’d feel at least some pain as a payback for all the pain he’d caused you.

your voice was surprisingly soft when you continued, and you didn’t even know why yourself.

“it’s nothing big. i just… slipped, i guess. had a really hard time. i don’t even know what happened to make you hate me like that, and that got to me. like, we didn’t argue or anything, so it wasn’t like i had a reason to stop caring about you. it just felt like without you nothing mattered.”

you sounded calm, collected, but voicing it like this brought back all the hurt, and you just really wanted the alcohol now. you grabbed around him in order to retrieve the bottle from his bag, but he caged you in a hug, effectively making you unable to move.

“it’s a big deal. fuck, y/n, look at you. how is this not a big deal? you can’t even talk to me without getting wasted.”

and even though he was right you hated how it sounded like that was your fault, not his. you hated how it sounded like you were weak for this when he had no idea what the fuck you’d been through these past two years. it made you angry.

“and you’re better? straight up ignoring me for however long it took me to get the hint like some pussy instead of talking to me? we used to be best friends, for fuck’s sake!” you tried to hide your heartbrokenness behind this anger, and once more the person who used to always be there to hold you when you needed it let go of you as if you’d burned him. not even now could he man up.

“you know what? fuck this. fuck your vodka and fuck you. don’t fucking talk to me again. as i said, i’m fucking my life up enough without you there to aid in the process.” and you tried to get up, but he grabbed you by your waist, not wanting to hurt you but refusing to let you go in this state when he hadn’t even gotten to talk to you yet. it was selfish, he knew it was, but he wanted to explain himself. he didn’t know if it’d help you, but he needed the closure. he needed you to know why he’d acted like that and then decide if you still wanted to hate him.

“i’m not letting go”, he said as you struggled in his grip, “not until you’ve listened.”

“i don’t fucking want to hear it!” now you were yelling, and it was only because everyone else in this park was too busy or too knocked out to fully comprehend what was happening that he wasn’t getting his ass beat by a stranger coming to your aid.

“you’re going to listen. you know i’m stronger.” this was an asshole move. it was a massive asshole move, using his strength against you to keep you trapped with him. but your state had him throw out any ethical concerns he otherwise would’ve had, instead pulling you into his lap and holding you tightly.

“then fucking talk and get this over with.” your body had gone slack in his arms, because you knew struggling against him wasn’t going to work. your voice still held the same sharpness to it though. you really hated him.

“you act like i didn’t have a reason”, he started quietly, covering your mouth with his hand when you tried to interrupt him. “but i did. the fuck do you think i felt when you kept being better at everything than me? everything was easy for you, you just went with your feeling, and i was doing awful but i kept trying even though it was hard as shit and you didn’t even notice. you went out to meet people and have a good time while i was sitting home alone trying to keep up. you didn’t even care. i told you i couldn’t join and every single time you just said ‘okay, another time then!’. you didn’t notice how much i missed you. and i got sick and tired of being the only one that’s missing their best friend.”

you listened to what he said and couldn’t believe he was serious right now. he completely broke you because you didn’t spend enough time with him?

“what the fuck, mingi. what the fuck. you wrecked me because you were sulky about me not being around 24/7? let go of me right now or i’m going to break your nose, you know i will.” he knew you would, so he did as you told him to, but not without trying to defend himself.

“it wasn’t that, it was that you never even tried to make follow-up plans! you kept going out with other friends, friends that didn’t have to spend all their nights home studying. you just replaced me.”

“and you didn’t think to fucking talk to me about it? i missed you like crazy, you fucking asshole, but i went out with others because i knew you had to study and because i didn’t want to keep you from that. because i dared to care more about your success than about what i wanted. and then you just dumped me, one day to the next, without an explanation, because you thought i didn’t care? does breaking off all other social contacts look like not caring to you? do hospitalisations look like not caring to you? does this”, you motioned to yourself, “look like not caring to you? i knew you were a coward, but back then i thought it was cute. now i just think it’s pathetic.” you all but spat those last words at his face, and he knew you were right. he knew all that now, but back then he’d been so scared of losing you that he forced himself to lose you. fucking idiotic.

“you act like it didn’t hurt me, too.”

“you sure didn’t act like it when you started fucking around with some people you’d never even talked to right after you decided ignoring me was the way to go!” you were crying now, crying and screaming at him, and you despised yourself for the vulnerability you were showing.

“give me the vodka, mingi.” but he didn’t. and when you tried to grab it he took the bag from you, leaving you staring into the air.

“give me the fucking vodka or i’m gonna leave right now and get my own. and then you’re never gonna see me again.”

but instead of handing you the bottle he all but jumped up, wrapping his arms around you tightly and sounding so incredibly desperate that you felt your anger vanish at his next words.

“please don’t- please don’t do that. please don’t kill yourself. hate me, break my nose, whatever, but please don’t go like that. i can’t handle it. i’m nothing without you.”

and it was now that he started crying, tears soaking the fabric on your shoulder, shaking as if there was an earthquake inside of him that would make him fall to shambles any second. you hadn’t even realised that you might have implied what he obviously thought you meant - what you meant was that this time you’d be the one to ignore him, pretending he didn’t even exist. but his reaction to potentially losing you in a whole new way made you think that maybe, he cared.

“i’m not going to kill myself over you, butthead.” and while your words held a similar level of sharpness to them as they had before, your voice was much softer, calmer - you patted his hands that were linked together in front of your stomach to keep you from leaving, trying to comfort him for whatever reason. he didn’t deserve it, and you were still so angry at him, but he’d been your best friend, your other half, and you still didn’t like to see him suffer like this, even though the part in you that wanted him to feel all the pain you’d felt wouldn’t agree.

“i don’t want to lose you again”, he whimpered against your shoulder. “i never want to lose you again.”

“so what’s your plan? i’m never gonna forget what you did, mingi, i’m never gonna forget how as soon as i start getting happy you come back, crashing into my life as if nothing had happened. i’m never going to let anyone hold me back again.”

“i’m not going to hold you back”, he pleadingly spoke into your skin, “i’m not going to message you, i’m not going to ask to meet up, i’m not going to wait in front of your class, nothing. i’ll only be there when you ask me to.”

“and you think that’d help? having me do all the work again, having me beg for your attention again? you think that’s even remotely what i want?” you weren’t angry at him, because it seemed like he was saying this for you, but you were frustrated. he still didn’t seem to understand at all what you wanted from him, what you’d wanted from him ever since he started ignoring you. you wanted him to fight for you, not vice versa.

“then let me fight for you. let me do the work. i’ll do anything, just please give me another chance. one very last chance. and please… stop all this.” you didn’t need to see him to know what he meant.

“that’s not how it works. i can’t just stop like that when i started. and you’re not gonna be able to fix me, if you think that.”

“i know, of course not, but… please try. it’s summer break soon. maybe then you could… i don’t know what you could. do something. i want to be there for you.”

you didn’t want to give in to him. you didn’t want to believe him. you wanted to keep being angry, you wanted to keep hating him, you didn’t want to risk the same kind of heartbreak you’d felt the first time he left. but this was mingi. and even though you refused to admit it even to yourself, you still missed him like crazy.

“let go.” and he did, hesitantly, but he did as you told him to.

“look at me. look me in the eyes and tell me you know what that’s gonna mean. tell me that you’ll be there when i’m in rehab and can’t go places and i’m angry as shit and hate everything and everyone and mainly you because you made me go to that stupid place. tell me you’ll be there when i relapse, not just once but so many times, and that you won’t get angry. tell me that you fucking know what it means, that you know you won’t be a priority, that there’s gonna be days where i won’t want to hear from you at all. tell me that you know you’re gonna have to fight for me, and tell me that you will. and if you can’t tell me that, let me leave right now to spare both of us the pain because it’s just gonna be a waste of time otherwise.”

“i’ll be there. every single day, or like. whenever i’m allowed to, i don’t know how rehab works. and when i can’t be there i’ll call you and text you, even if you hate me. i’ll hold you until you don’t hate me anymore. even if i have to spend the entire day holding you that’s how it is. i don’t fucking care what i’ll have to do, i’ll do it all. i miss you.” with those last words he pulled you into his chest, holding you tightly as he whispered a silent ‘please’ into your hair. and you didn’t want to believe him, didn’t want to get your hopes up, but part of you was still so soft for him. so, even though your mind was screaming at you to tell him to fuck off, your heart won, your heart made you wrap your arms around him and hold on tight.

“if you fuck up i’m breaking your legs.”

“if i fuck up i’m breaking them myself.” he knew this was his last chance. he knew that if he messed up now he’d be losing you forever, and that was a risk he wasn’t willing to take.

his hands were rubbing up and down your back, as gentle as you remembered him to be, while you were standing there and hugging and trying to calm down. you’d missed him so incredibly much and you wished you could stay in that moment forever.

“how are you feeling?” he could feel you were shaking slightly in his arms, though he wasn’t sure why. it could be the cool air, it could be the emotions running through you, it could be something he didn’t even want to think about. but either way he knew you should probably leave.

“it’s all so fucking much. i’m still pissed at you, but i guess i’m also glad that you’re here. and i’m fucking horrified.”

your shaking was most definitely at least partly owed to your emotional state, because it got worse now, you grabbing his t-shirt and clinging on to it for dear life.

“what are you scared of?” he sounded so fucking soft and calm and you wanted to crawl into his shirt and hide there and never leave for the real world ever again. you wanted him to keep you safe and to protect you because life and the things that were coming for you were scarier than you wanted to admit.

“you. rehab. my parents are gonna be so fucking hurt when i have to go back. fuck, i want the vodka.” but to your surprise you didn’t move to get it, you didn’t try to leave mingi’s embrace.

“you’re staying the night at my place”, he informed you, and you looked up at him in surprise.

“this talk was long overdue, but to be honest even i could use some vodka right now. i don’t want to imagine how you’re feeling, but i know i’m not gonna leave you alone in that state. no won’t count.”

“you know you won’t be able to just make me stop like that?”, you asked, wanting to be sure he didn’t have some weird saviour complex that made him think that just because he was there all your problems would suddenly vanish. but he seemed to know, even though he wished that was how it worked.

“not forever, but tonight’s a good start. i just want to be with you right now.” and even though you really wanted to get drunk you wanted to spend the night with mingi more, something that surprised you, especially considering how you’d just told him he wouldn’t be able to make you stop.

“i’m not going back there yet though, so if anything we’ll go to my place”, was the compromise you offered, and he gladly accepted. he held your hand almost the entire way, refusing to not be touching you in some way now that he might get you back, and this was less awkward than having his arm around your shoulders, which he’d tried first.

your apartment was a mess, you knew it was, but instead of judging you the tall male just kicked whatever trash you’d left on the floor out of the way to make his way to your bed, where he intended to spend the rest of the day and the entire night. he wrapped his arms around you as soon as you’d settled next to him, pulling you close like he used to when you were younger.

“i’m so sorry for all this”, he whispered, “so so fucking sorry.” and even though you’d somewhat sorted what had happened in the past, this was the first time he actually apologised. you hadn’t known how much you needed to hear him apologise until he did, whining out slightly as you pressed yourself closer against him. you wanted him to keep talking, keep apologising, keep promising that he wasn’t going to leave. but he was quiet after that, so instead of his comforting words your thoughts filled the silence in your head.

“keep talking before i get up”, you told him, the choice of words making it sound like a threat but the pleading way you said it making it clear that you were all but begging him. and he complied, luckily he complied, because you wouldn’t be able to keep your thoughts away for much longer.

“i missed you every day. it wasn’t fun to sit at lunch without you, or be in class, or do anything, really. i know it’s my fault, but back then i expected you to fight more, and when you just stopped trying after a while i thought i was right, even though you tried to talk to me every day for like two weeks and every single time i just straight up acted like i didn’t even hear you. i have no idea what i expected you to do, actually. sing me a love song in front of my window?” he chuckled a little, though it sounded somewhat bitter.

“i think that’s what i was secretly hoping for, if i’m real. not a love song, maybe, but some kinda confession. but instead of opening my mouth myself i just hoped that you’d get the hint i never even dropped. guess i really am a coward, huh?” he was running a hand through your hair, gently scratching your scalp whenever he dragged his fingers down because back then you’d liked that and he hoped you still did.

“you’re an idiot”, you mumbled, though his somewhat-confession made you feel all weird inside. you’d liked him back then, too, but admittedly he hadn’t been the only coward. and before you’d ever had the chance to gather the courage to confess he’d cut you off.

“i know. i don’t think i’ve ever done anything more stupid than that. and now i’ve wasted my chance and have to live with the fact that i’ll die without ever having gotten to kiss you. it’s my own fault, though.” there was a hint of playful resignation in his tone, as if this confession was more to get it off his chest than it was for him to actually confess to you - as if it hadn’t even occurred to him that you might feel the same way.

“just do it now.”

he hadn’t expected that, surprise apparent when he asked: “can i?”, and you knew you should say no, you shouldn’t be doing this, you shouldn’t be in your bed with mingi so close and telling him to kiss you, but you’d missed him, and you were hurt and happy and desperate, and you just wanted to feel loved. and though this didn’t have to be love, this didn’t have to mean as much as you wanted it to, you could pretend. you wanted to pretend, so you didn’t say ‘no’ as you should, but ‘yes’ as you wanted.

and he did it, leaning in to press his lips against yours but not moving any more until you hadn’t pulled away even after a few seconds. then he actually kissed you, his one thumb stroking your cheek while the other was fondling with some strands of hair at the back of your head. and you knew your breath was gross, still reeking of the alcohol you’d drunk earlier that day, but mingi didn’t care. you were warm and soft against him and you were there and he’d take whatever he could get from you, even if it was vodka breath.

you didn’t want him to pull away, because you feared that once he did your world would come crashing down again and he’d tell you that now his curiosity was stilled and this should remain a one-time thing.

and you feared that you’d been right about this being a one-time thing, because he apologised as soon as he broke the kiss. but he didn’t apologise for what you thought he’d apologise for.

“i shouldn’t have done that. not like this. fuck, i just took advantage of this entire situation, i’m so sorry. fuck. feel free to break my nose.”

“don’t break my heart and i won’t break your bones. deal?” the big smile he gave you was so easy to see even though it was starting to get dark outside now, and you felt a small smile tug at the corners of your own mouth. he was here, and he’d kissed you, and maybe he’d do it again. maybe you’d finally be able to be okay again, actually okay, really okay.

“i promise.” he pulled your head into his chest, resuming to run his fingers through your hair and telling you sweet nothings.

“you’re so beautiful. so kind and so strong, such a fighter. i’m so glad i’m here right now, so grateful you let me, and i’m never going to leave again, ever. i’m here now, and you won’t have to be alone anymore. i’ll try to make it right, all the things i did wrong. i’m sorry. but i’m with you now.”

you were pretty certain he wasn’t even thinking much about what he was saying, just saying anything that was on his mind, as much for you as for himself. but even if it wasn’t for you that he was saying all this, it still helped you, comforted you, gave you some hope. one thing you had to clear up, though.

“we’re not a thing”, you murmured into his chest, though the way you were clinging to him betrayed your words, showed how much you wanted to be. “we’re not a thing because you don’t know anything. you can’t play a video game on easy and then enter the world championship and think you’ll win. i can’t talk to you for a single day and then think it’d work out.”

and mingi got it. he knew that this was a decision that had to be made logically, not based on what he wanted in that moment. but that didn’t mean he was just going to give up like this. he told you he’d fight for you, and he would.

“talk to me more, then. i told you i’m not going to leave.”

“you say that now.” there was sadness in your voice, resignation. “but it’s different when i’m shitfaced. when i’m crying my eyes out because recovery is hard and i don’t want to anymore. when i call you at 3 in the morning begging you to come over and check on me and make sure i’m not dying because i’m scared i went too deep this time. when i tell you i hate you even though you didn’t do shit just because i need someone to take my anger out on. none of this shit is pretty or romantic and the sooner you realise that, the better.”

“i’m going to be there.” he didn’t say more and you were glad about that, because even though you’d been the one to bring all this up you didn’t want to talk about it, you just wanted to be held and comforted and protected. and he did, he held you until you fell asleep, and was still holding you when you woke up the next morning.

it was weird to be back with mingi. it was familiar but completely different, and it was hard, as you’d told him it’d be. but he kept his promise, even though it hurt to see you struggle and in pain, he was there when you needed him and he was there when you didn’t. he was there to hold you when you called your parents to tell them you had to go back to rehab, and he was there to calm your nerves the day before you left, force-feeding you snacks to keep your mouth busy because by now he’d learned the signs of when you really craved alcohol and while he learned that the most he could usually do was to make sure you didn’t drink yourself into a coma that night he made sure you didn’t drink at all, because you were going to rehab the next day and he wanted you to have decent starting conditions and he knew you wanted that, too, and a hangover was the worst starting condition you could possibly have. he was there to kiss you that night, because even though you’d been the one to tell him to not try anything until he’d proven he meant it the snacks just didn’t do it and you needed something else in your mouth. he knew it was just your desperation that had made you beg him to please kiss you, but he did, he was there as he’d promised, even when it hurt like this. he was there to hold you when you cried into his chest after, promising you that it would be okay and that he would be right there the entire time and when you got back, too.

he was there the next day when you clung on to his hand with a force that could probably break his fingers sooner or later, horrified of entering the building in front of you. he was there to hold you in place when you tried to bolt as soon as they started the admission process, he was there to tell you that he was so proud of you and to promise you that it would be okay. he was there to call you that night, relieved that you were allowed to, and he was there to talk you through all your fears. he was there a week later, when you were first allowed to get visitors, with a rather big teddy bear wearing one of his shirts and a self-made card that read “one week sober!”, small celebratory drawings all over.

“i wanted to bring a cake, but they don’t do that with people that just started. you’ll get one at the one month mark though, pinky promise.” you linked your pinky with his for maybe two seconds before you threw yourself into his arms, clinging on to him as if your life depended on it.

“please take me home. please just take me home”, pleaded into his shoulder repeatedly, like a mantra, and he held you so tight.

“it’s worth it, my strong little angel, it’s okay. i promise.” he was rubbing up and down your back comfortingly, continuously saying how proud he was until you let go just enough to look into his face and see the warmth in his eyes.

“you’re going to stay right here until they kick you out”, you ordered, though what you were actually doing was begging him to please not leave you alone until he had to. you felt like the odd one out here, the only alcoholic still in their twenties, and their early twenties at that. the only other person roughly your age was a guy with an anxiety disorder that looked at you like you were the filth of the earth, and that didn’t exactly make you want to talk to him. you missed mingi, you missed seeing him, and having to watch the other patients be able to go out and meet people outside the therapy times when in your state you’d have to stay until the staff could be certain you weren’t going to relapse only made it worse.

“they’ll have to drag me out by the ears”, he reassured you, and finally you smiled, a genuine smile that made his heart hurt a little less.

“call this one mingi”, pointing to the teddy bear that had been discarded when you’d flung yourself into his arms, “and pretend he’s me. not as good as the real deal, but at least he’s wearing my t-shirt.”

“butthead.” but you looked at him with, as he hoped, the same feelings he had for you, which showed him that he’d chosen a good gift.

he brought you a small gift whenever he came by, and after bothering the nurses continuously (which resulted in them begging the staff in charge of your unit to please let him get his way) he was allowed to bring you food, though only in sealed packages which they checked closely for both the ingredients and even the slightest chance of him having managed to put alcohol in. it was somewhat of a hassle, but the way your expression brightened when he brought you your favourite cereal from when you were 12 and which you’d stopped eating by age 15 because it was ‘for children’ was definitely worth it. things still weren’t easy, especially with how cut off you felt from the outside world, and there had been several nights where you’d screamed at mingi on the phone about how much you hated him for having caused all this and then being cut off by the nurses because your phone time was over before you’d had a chance to tell him that you were sorry for screaming like this, but he never got upset with you for that. instead, he texted you an apology to see after dinner, along with telling you how proud he was. and he stayed, as he’d promised you.

your one month of sobriety was the day you were discharged, because you’d been doing surprisingly well and because you’d managed to convince your responsible treatment team that you’d do better if you didn’t feel so alone and cut off, if you had the chance to do things rather than sit in the hospital all day and overthink your situation. you had an outpatient treatment plan and when you’d told mingi about being dismissed he kindly but sternly told you that he’d kick your ass into next monday if you didn’t follow it. and now he was here, picking you up both from the facility and from the ground, twirling you around as soon as you were in his arms. you’d agreed that you’d spend the first few days at his place, so that’s where he brought you now.

the tall male carried the few things you had with you into his flat while you stood next to the car, taking a little while to get used to the thought of being a part of the outside world again. you were glad mingi was there, because while you were so happy to be out it was still scary to know that now it was up to you alone whether you relapsed or not.

you were delighted to see that he’d kept his promise about the one month mark-cake, because while it wasn’t exactly pretty you soon found out that it made up for that in taste, and also because it was so sweet and thoughtful. it seemed like he’d prepared a little party for you, with one of those silly ‘welcome home’ banners hanging in the living room and colourful plastic cups on the table, next to various kinds of juice and soda. you had no idea how, but he’d even managed to organise strawberry soda, something that you hadn’t seen in stores in ages.

“butthead.” you didn’t know how else to react to all this. it was so much, so unnecessarily much that you didn’t know whether to cry with happiness or to smack him because this probably took a lot of time and money. you decided that calling him butthead again would be a good compromise.

“angel”, he grinned at you, entirely unbothered by your (admittedly weak) insult. then his expression turned serious, walking over to stand right next to you with a few long steps before he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a hug.

“i’m so glad you’re back, you know that? i missed you like crazy.”

“i missed you too. don’t let go.”

he wasn’t planning on doing that anyway. he’d be so stupid if he did. and he’d be so stupid if he didn’t tell you how he felt.

“i love you. i love you i love you i love you. now break my nose for being a butthead.”

“be my butthead and i’ll consider leaving your bones intact.” you tried to play it cool, but your heart was beating so hard you feared it would jump out of your chest, and this time you could be 100% sure that it wasn’t withdrawals. it was just mingi, the boy who’d kept his promise to be there, the boy who’d helped you piece yourself back together in some way again. the boy who wanted to be with you even though the way you’d pieced yourself back together was so far from who he’d known before you shattered. it was mingi, the boy whom you loved back.

“so the b in bf stands for butthead? that’s what you’re saying?” he was teasing you, just a little, but it was okay because you could tell he was just nervous and scared that he might have misunderstood you and was trying to mask that through his joke.

“or maybe it stands for big beautiful boyfriend, you decide.”

“i’ll take the boyfriend! i’ll take the boyfriend. please let me be your boyfriend.” looking at you pleadingly, though also somewhat excited, and you knew you’d never let him go again.

“then you’re my big beautiful boyfriend. what am i?”

you were expecting him to joke, but he didn’t. he was entirely serious when he said: “you’re my world.”

and this seriousness overwhelmed you just a little bit, so that you were left speechless. and he continued.

“you’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen. you’re my strong little angel.”

“you’re not supposed to be so sweet, i don’t know how to handle it”, you whined out, but he just smiled down at you, taking in every detail of your face.

“get used to it.” you knew you wouldn’t ever get used to it, you knew you wouldn’t ever get enough of him telling you sweet things like that. maybe you’d get better at reacting over time, though. but since right now you were very much not good at reacting yet, you said something that maybe wasn’t the most appropriate reaction to his sweet-talking you.

“you know i still hate you though, right?” even though your voice gave away that you didn’t, far from.

“makes for a great enemies to lovers storyline”, he teased, smiling down at you with entire galaxies in his eyes.

“just kiss me, butthead.”

it didn’t take more than a few seconds before he did. he kissed you slowly, because you had all the time in the world, thumb tracing all your features while your hands were wrapped around his neck. and while your first kisses had been bitter with alcohol and desperation, this one was sweet with cake and love.

96 notes · View notes

danideservedbetter · 4 years ago

Text

Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #health and wellness #writing challenge

11 notes · View notes

xxisxxisxxis · 5 years ago

Text

Special Preview: Gateway Drug | 1988

- Tag List: @unknownoblivion @edwardtriggerhandzz @haileynicoleseavey17 @cierrasixx19 @oskea93 @mgkobsessed @sharon6713 @itsametaphorbriansblog @miriampraez @allie-mcginn @xpoisonousrosesx @rebeccaphillips14 @nicholeh7 @lilmou5ie @tamedhearts @divaanya @6ixx6ixx @ratedrkohardychick91 @floregrohlssard @oldschoolimagineblog @thanks2pete @abaldboi @liith-ium @jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels @ytwahsog @scarecrowmax @random-internet-user-4471 @solohqrry @sparxx27 @kaitieskidmore1 @cruecifymesixx @meetthesixxter @sublimeprincesswasteland @arianareirg @gingerspicetalks

@fancywasmyname1 @teller258316 @ggorehorror @blowinmeupwithherlove @xrosegoldwolfx @mylifeisjustafeverdream @redlipscrystalskies14 @str4nge-haze @reigns420 @sixxseconds2love @leatherandheels @dogmom2014 @allyouneedislove-mp3 @n0-self-c0ntro1 @viinceneil

I lean down and pick Monroe up off of my bed, grinning at him as he looks at me with wide eyes and a mouth full of pacifier.

I already miss him.

"You ready?" Dad asks when I get to the kitchen, grabbing Monroe's bottle and checking the temperature of it.

"Viv, you don't have time to feed him right now. He'll be here any second." Dad tells me and I ignore him, popping the cap off and Monroe spits out his pacy and eagerly accepts his food.

A car pulls into the driveway and my stomach churns as my father goes to check who it is.

"Viv, your boyfriend's here!" Slash calls from my guest bedroom before coming out with Steven.

I grab my purse and head to the door, the two of them following after me to go out, too, opening it to see Nikki standing there with flowers…

"H-Hi…" he starts, nervously, and I look him over for a moment, really appreciating his time in the gym.

"Hi." I reply, smiling.

"These are for you." He tells me, and I take the flowers.

"Thanks." I tell him, feeling everybody's presence behind me.

I slowly turn to see my dad and the boys looking at us, knowingly.

"I want her back at midnight." Dad says, plucking the flowers from my hand, and Nikki awkwardly laughs it off…"I'm being serious." Dad states, raising a brow. "I know you had issues with getting her home at a reasonable hour back when you two started dating, but this time I don't have to make myself overlook it to avoid her mother finding out about her seeing you...so I'm telling you, 12:00am your car better be in this driveway and she better be at the door. Or I'm coming after you, understood?"

Nikki glances at me, waiting for me to protest it, but I honestly don't see a problem with it. I wanna be in early, anyway.

"Got it." Nikki nods.

"And anything you do to her, I'm gonna do to you." Dad adds.

"Dad." I mumble, glaring at him.

Nikki looks slightly disturbed.

"Have fun." He grins sarcastically, adding, "I love you."

"Shit, gimme a second, man, I forgot my keys." Slash tells Steven in the background.

"Love you, too." I say to my dad before shutting the door.

"I didn't realize your dad was such a hard ass." Nikki comments as we walk to his car and I'm slightly shocked when he follows me and opens the door for me.

"Thanks." I tell him, rubbing my lips together and sliding in.

"So," Nikki clears his throat uncomfortably…"Where to?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter to--"

We're interrupted by knocking on Nikki's window, seeing Slash and Steven leaning down to see us.

Nikki rolls the window down.

"Hey, man." Slash says to him, chuckling lightly with a wide smile.

"Hey," Nikki says in the same tone.

"You two be careful." He orders, half joking.

"Oh, yeah, we will." Nikki assures him.

"Yeah, and don't do anything we would do." Steven adds suggestively, and my face burns red.

"And if you do, use these," Slash pulls a couple condoms from his pocket and hands them to Nikki.

"Oh, my god." I whisper to myself, embarrassed.

Nikki just smiles, tight lipped, avoiding making it worse.

"Thanks." He replies.

"We gotta head out." Slash pats the door. "See ya later, though, okay?"

"Oh, for sure." Nikki nods.

"Goodnight, love birds." Steven teases as the two of them go to Slash's car.

Nikki rolls the window back up and tosses the condoms in the glove box, sighing.

"I'm not having sex with you tonight." I inform him out of nowhere and he looks at me.

"I already said in therapy I think it'd be a good idea to take things slow this time since we didn't the first time." He reminds me, almost as if he's offended I suggested he'd want to sleep with me on our first date back together (kind of).

"Well, I'm just saying."

"And I'm just saying." He states as we pull out of the driveway.

We end up at a diner, and it's painfully quiet for a little bit before I decide to ask him…

"How's the, um, album going?"

He sips his coke and thinks for a second before replying, "it's going good."

No elaboration, no conversation. My ice breaker failed me.

"Oh." I nod. "Good."

"Yep." He adds.

More silence.

"So, is Monroe getting used to going between you and Duff yet?"

"Yeah, he's gotten used to his schedule so...it's gonna be a little hard having to miss a few visits here and there when they're across the world but other than that he's been doing good, so…"

"Good."

……...More silence.

"Here's your eggs and sausage," the waitress hands me my plate, "And pancakes, and here's your steak and eggs." She hands Nikki his. "Can I get you any ketchup, hotsauce, steak sauce?" She offers.

"Steak sauce is fine, thanks." Nikki tells her, nicely.

Very nicely.

Too nicely.

I cut my eyes at him.

"Coming right up." She steps away, glancing back over her shoulder at him for a just a millisecond and I scoff as he starts cutting his food.

"That hasn't changed." I mumble.

"What?"

"'Steak sauce is fine thanks'," I mock him. "'And you can suck it off my balls if you want to, too'." I add.

"Vivian, I'm being nice. Would you rather me call her a cunt and pour my drink on her for not bringing the sauce without me having to ask? Because Nikki one year ago would have done that."

"He would've had her bent over a sink all in the same hour, too..."

He drops his silverware onto the table and looks at me, unamused.

"Do you just want me to take you back home?" He asks me, a hurt expression on his face.

I think about it for a moment.

"Because I'm trying to make this work and I'm trying not to mess this up with you this time but you need to meet me halfway, Vivian." He tells me.

"Here's that sauce for you." She comes back and puts it in front of him. "Enjoy your meal." She adds, glancing at him and he rolls his eyes, picking up his silverware once more to finish cutting his steak up.

"I'm sorry." I admit, feeling bad for trying to start an argument. "It's just weird being together and not fighting about something. We haven't just sat down and had a good time without it turning into a fight in years." I remind him.

"Well, that's my fault." He admits. "And like I said I want to start over so let's just not do that shit this time. Deal?" He asks.

"Deal." I agree, taking a sip of my water.

We eat our food in silence, awkwardly waiting for the other to say something…

Nikki just finishes his food and looks at me, looking like he's thinking about something.

"Whats up?" I ask him, cautiously.

"Ya wanna go somewhere with me?"

"Okay, the amount of times I've heard that and it's turned out to be in a bathroom, or the back of a car, or--"

"--No, not this time. I promise." He innocently insists and I rub my lips together, extending my pinky out to him.

He grins and wraps his pinky with mine.

We end up on the sunset strip, and when we pull onto the side of the street in front of the boys' old apartment, I furrow my brows.

"What are we doing here?" I ask him as he opens the door.

"You comin'?" He asks me, and I take a breath and get out, following him.

"Can we be out here?" I whisper, glancing around.

"Probably not." He replies as we walk up the fire escape to the window.

"Is anybody living here, Nikki?" I ask.

"Yes, Viv, people are living here and we're just gonna break in on them." He says smartly and I roll my eyes.

I guess the jank window lock never got fixed because he's lifting it up with a mere shake.

"Get in." He nods, smiling at me.

"Nikki, this is trespassing." I inform him, hesitant to climb through the window.

"Viv, get in the apartment." He nudges me and I laugh.

"Nikki…"

"You gotta quit being that scared little church girl at some point, Viv, now c'mon." He chuckles, but I know he's being serious.

I just look at him and shake my head a little before sliding into the apartment.

He follows after me, pulling the window back down as we're in the pitch black apartment, the only light is from the neon shining in the street from the strip.

"I wonder how many roaches would scram if we turned the lights on." He says without a thought and my skin crawls.

"The lights probably aren't even on anymore since nobody's lived here in a while." I point out, keeping my voice down.

"You think?" He chuckles, stepping through the living room, going to the kitchen.

His hand goes to the top of the fridge, fumbling around where I used to keep candles in case the power went out.

He's finding one that's covered in dust, but he just blows it off and digs in his pocket, pulling out a lighter.

He lights it and it only helps a little to help us see better, but enough to know where bugs are and aren't.

I don't see any as of now, checking the stained carpet for rat crap before sitting down as he steps to me and does the same…

"I think it's important for you to know that this exact spot is where Vince and I came in to see Tommy screwing this chick just so he could drive her car." He informs me.

"What?"

"Tommy had this girl and she said if he fucked her she'd let him drive her car, it was like a corvette I think or something but she was cute, she was a bigger girl, though." He explains. "So if you can imagine, me and Vince walking in and there's Tommy, on top of her, his legs barely able to touch the ground because of how big she was and he was a fucking shrimp so of course it didn't go too hot." He adds.

"What did you do? Did you just leave or--"

"--We sat down and watched them finish." He admits and I widen my eyes.

"Nikki, ew!" I wrinkle my nose.

"What, it was funny watching him struggle to handle that much ass." He chuckles and I shake my head.

"You're disgusting."

"They didn't care."

"You're a pervert." I declare.

"Don't act like you haven't known that." He cuts his eyes at me. "That's probably one of the things that made you all hot and heavy for me in the first place."

"Oh, please." I scoff.

He chuckles a little more, getting quiet for a second.

"What did make you interested in me?" He asks me and I look at him and shyly grin, making him raise his brows.

"I can't tell you that." I shake my head.

"No, now you have to tell me." He licks his lips.

"I can't." I laugh, feeling my face heat up.

"Vivian Sixx, come on." He nudges me.

"You're gonna think I'm shallow." I tell him. "And selfish."

"Bullshit." He states, looking at me. "Try me."

"Well, you were very attractive and opinionated...and good in bed." I confess.

"What?!" He sounds surprised and I roll my eyes. "Oh, no, no, all this about how much you loved me only for me to find out that the only reason you were even with me to begin with was because I could make your eyes roll to the back of your head." He teases, mimicking a hurt voice. "I was a piece of meat used for your pleasure. Wow." He adds.

"Oh, like I wasn't that to you, then?" I ask, trying not to laugh.

"That was the plan at first." He admits.

"At first?"

"Yeah...then, ya know…I liked doing that stuff with you and then I liked just being around you." He tells me.

"So it's safe to say the only reason we even got together was because we were inconsolably horny?" I ask.

"Without a doubt." He rubs his eyes. "But see that's why I wanna take things slow this time. I've never taken anything slow and I feel like we didn't have time to really know each other before we got married because we were in a cloud of puppy love and lust and shit and jumped into it." He points out.

"You're telling me." I smile.

"I didn't even think you'd want to do this." He tells me out of nowhere and I furrow my brows and look at him.

"Do what?"

"Hangout with me." He rubs his forehead.

"Nikki, c'mon." I scoff, elbowing him gently.

"I just didn't see it happening this soon." He laughs it off.

"Why not?"

"I thought you hated me." He says.

"What?"

"I mean, during therapy and stuff you were dealing with everything going on, I guess, and just got really hostile and I thought you'd end up wanting the divorce after I told you everything that happened and--"

"--I got knocked up with a man's baby whose career you helped and someone you thought of as a friend at one point." I point out. "I know we weren't technically together anymore but you still stayed when you could've left and I know that was hard. So if you could do that, there was no question about staying with you. I knew when we agreed to work things out that we'd have to hurt each other some more with the shit neither of us knew about over the years, but we have it behind us now so it's okay." I tell him.

"I guess we just weren't ready to be together." He suggests.

"No, we weren't." I shake my head. "But we're good right now."

He smiles, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah, we are."

We sit silently for a moment, just looking at each other...his pretty eyes framed by black hair that isn't in its once mandatory teased state, his jaw is a little more pronounced since he's been working out, a few new tattoos on his arms.

I blink slowly, the two of us getting closer without realizing it, and it's when he's glancing between my eyes and lips that my skin heats up and I have to get some space between us.

"Um," I sit up, leaning back on my palms, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and he clears his throat, "I like your tattoos." I say to him, and he glances at his right arm and raises his brows.

"Thanks, I'm getting them filled in, soon, and then I kinda want a whole sleeve by the time the album's done." He explains.

I notice the "V" on his arm is now a "IV" and the small script "SIXX" is over it, as if adding an emphasis.

"You fixed that." I comment, running my thumb over the ink.

"Yeah, I had it done, like, the second week of January." He mumbles with an awkward look on his face.

"Oh, I haven't noticed." I reply.

"Well, I noticed you got that," he points to the small space between my ear and my hairline. "What's up with '17'?" He asks.

"Something Izzy told me once when I was feeling crappy about myself. He told me I was a seventeen out of ten and it's something I've been kinda repeating to myself when I feel like I'm failing the whole independent thing." I admit.

"Independent thing?" He asks, slightly confused.

"You know, living by myself, doing things on my own?"

"Your dad's not staying with you?"

"No, Nikki, he comes to babysit Monroe but he's not living with me full-time or anything. And Duff and Mandy are just down the road if I need them and Sharise and Heather and Emi come to visit and stay with me sometimes but other than that it's me and Monroe."

"You used to couldn't even sleep by yourself, let alone live by yourself." He states.

"Well, you used to couldn't go a night without going to clubs and coming home at 4:00am high but look at you, now." I point out.

"Point taken." He nods.

"We're slowly turning into grown-ups." I add.

"I guess we are." He agrees.

"Yeah."

Again, he hones in on my lips, his hand coming up to grab my jaw gently, pulling me in to kiss him.

"Nikki," I say quietly just as our lips brush together, "if you kiss me, I'm gonna end up face down, ass up, and I don't want to mess this up." I continue and he smirks, pressing a quick, chaste kiss to my lips, before leaning away from me, standing up.

"I think it's nearly your curfew." He tells me, extending his hand to help me up.

I nod, trying to hide my smile, before taking his hand and letting him help me up.

When we pull into my driveway, I unbuckle and look at him, grinning.

"I had fun." I tell him, about to open the door. "Why did we go there tonight?" I ask him before I leave, and he shrugs.

"I figured since we're starting over we might as well have gone where we started together, you know." He tells me and I feel something pull in my heart.

"Thank you, for tonight, Nikki." I say, genuinely, and he grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles.

"Later, Sixx." He says and I grin.

"Later." I get out and shut the door, giving a small wave before stepping into the house, seeing my dad's already got the flowers on display in a vase on the table.

I slowly start smiling, bigger and bigger until my cheeks hurt and a girlish squeal is echoing through the foyer while I kick my heels off and jump up and down, butterflies in my stomach.

#gateway drug #nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction

42 notes · View notes

amydancepants-peralta · 5 years ago

Note

For the most recent prompts, no. 35 with peraltiago?

I’d love to! 🌟 Here’s a little something for 35: “Your stray red item turned my whites pink.”

love, in full colour

Today was turning out to be a pretty great Sunday for Amy, as she stretches her legs out on her boyfriend Jake’s surprisingly comfortable couch and presses play on the documentary he had so sweetly recorded for her. Weekends off had always been a favourite of hers, but if there’s anything that the past nine months has told her, it's that weekends off when you’re dating Jake Peralta are just so much better.

She had woken up this morning to Jake’s familiar sleepy cuddles, morning stubble scratching against her skin and sending tingles up and down her spine as his arms wrapped around her waist, convincing her in approximately 2.3 seconds that sleeping in definitely wasn’t such a bad thing (especially when it eventually leads to … other things). It had been a long week; made all the longer by a perp that had decided to play cat and mouse with the detectives of the nine-nine, and even after they’d stumbled out of bed and toasted bagels for breakfast, Amy genuinely didn’t have any desire to have a day any more productive than TV, blankets, and (most importantly), Jake.

It had been close to half an hour ago that he’d slipped out of the apartment for the second time, basket in hand as he’d headed back down to the laundry room to collect the washing he’d put on earlier. Rebuffing her offers of help with a swift kiss to her lips, he’d simply reminded Amy of the program ready and waiting for her, throwing out a “Love you!” as he’d headed for the door, and honestly if Amy’s Sunday hadn’t already been looking great, that moment right there just absolutely topped it.

(It’s been months since they’d started saying it - those three little words that had seemed so terrifying but actually were up there with her favourite phrases ever - but they still managed to spark a tiny ball of happiness inside her every single time the words came out of Jake’s mouth. She supposes that this is what love is, really - sour candy flavoured kisses and laughter in the darkness - and she’s so thankful that she found it in Jake.)

The documentary has been playing for ten or so minutes before Amy’s index finger begins hovering over the pause button, one part still interested in the manufacturing process of the world’s oldest brass instruments, and one (slightly louder) part feeling strangely empty without her boyfriend’s warm chest to rest up against. (Even though she knows he would spending the entire program playing on his phone, there’s something about his presence that just makes everything … better.)

Amy’s still in Consideration Mode when she hears Jake’s key slide into the lock, and it’s ridiculous how big her smile begins to get, but as she tips her face up to catch his eyes her lips falter on their ascent.

There’s an obvious air of frustration surrounding him as he skulks past her, holding the plastic basket close to his hip as he heads towards the bed on the other side of his loft-style apartment. It bounces slightly against the recently remade duvet as Jake dumps the contents onto the mattress, his frustrations quickly bubbling to the surface, and without hesitation Amy forgoes the remote control, standing quickly to join her boyfriend by his bed.

“Everything okay?”

He nods, letting out a soft grunt as he half-heartedly starts folding the newly cleaned clothes, and honestly Amy is trying not to pay attention to his folding technique, but her fingers are just itching to take over. There’s still a slight pout on his face, small enough for her to pick up on, and it takes precedent over any Kondo-like techniques that she might be dying to demonstrate. “You sure?”

Jake gives her another nod, followed quickly by a shrug. “I mean, there’s one little problem with the laundry that I don’t know how to fix, but … it’s no biggie.”

“A problem with your laundry?”

“Yeah.” He sighs, balling up the t-shirt in his hand before dropping it back into the pile, using his free hand to run through his hair, which has just started to get long enough to curl. “Turns out there was a stray item of yours that was in my laundry. I mean, there were a few things, and that makes total sense, but there was one item in particular - a red item, actually - that I think might be the culprit.”

“The culprit?”

“So … I might not have noticed have been paying close attention when I transferred everything to the dryer, and well …” he lifts up a pair of socks, similar to the ones he wore to bed last week except now they were a deep pink, and Amy tries her best to stifle her giggle. “There’s like … another three pairs just like it,” he adds with a mumble.

“But! May I present to you, detective: the guilty party.” Transferring the socks to his left, his right hand digs through the pile before pulling out a lacy red bra that Amy may have recently bought purely on the knowledge that it was one of Jake’s favourite colours on her.

(To be fair, he might have told her that all of the colours were his favourite colours on her, but she’s definitely seen a positive response to the colour red in the past.)

“Alleged guilty party, thank you very much,” Amy begins, grinning to take the edge off of her response. “Plus, you didn’t seem to mind that bra so much last night, if I recall correctly.”

She reaches for the offending item, and Jake’s fingers tighten around the lace, holding her bra close to his chest, and she giggles at his reflexive response. “Despite my flinging it across the room, I can confirm that I did - and DO - indeed love it. Almost as much as I love the person who was wearing it.”

Her cheeks begin to turn the same colour as the socks in her boyfriend’s hand, and Amy cocks her head to the side. “I love you too, babe. So … what’s the problem you can’t figure out? If it’s the pink you’re worried about, a bit of bleach will get that right out.”

“Huh?” He lifts his hand up, glancing at the item that Amy is pointing to. “Oh. Nah. I don’t care about the colour. You and I both know that I would rock this pink. I can already tell it’s going to highlight my ankles in the perfect way. Really accentuate my curves, you know? I just ..”

Even before they were something more than partners, Amy could see through Jake’s ‘make a joke to conceal how I’m really feeling about something’ technique, and today is no exception. Taking the smallest of steps closer to him, she softens her voice ever so slightly. “Jake?”

His shoulders slump to the floor, and his right hand releases her lingerie. “I just … I feel so stupid. I’m trying to be the perfectly domesticated boyfriend, a responsible adult who cleans up after himself and doesn’t leave empty pizza boxes everywhere.” His eyes drop to the floor briefly before flicking back up to meet hers, and the sincerity in his gaze cuts Amy to the quick. “You know, the kinda guy that doesn’t need supervising in the laundry room, or whatever.” His hand closes tightly around the socks before dropping it back into the pile, and when he looks back up at Amy she can see the disappointment stretched across his face. “And obviously, I completely failed. I wasn’t going to say anything, but .. I dunno, I guess maybe I don’t want to keep things from you or something.”

In all honesty, Amy’s not entirely sure what she was expecting Jake’s answer to be, but it definitely wasn’t that. She stands still in front of him for the longest minute as a result, mouth open slightly as her mind races to absorb his response.

He takes her silence as a request for more information, and shuffles his sneaker covered feet against the floorboards. “It’s just … I know that people think that you’re way too good for me. And to be fair, they’re not entirely wrong. I was just hoping that I could find a way to bridge the gap a little … try and make it a little less obvious that I’m punching well above my weight. And then I couldn’t even do the damn laundry right.”

At any given moment, Amy could present to any asking stranger a million reasons why Jake Peralta was the man that had captured her heart, and the notion that the justification was coming from her very own boyfriend was making her soul ache more than a little bit.

Anybody that thought he wasn’t good enough for her could go jump in the Gowanus Canal, for all she cared. But the thought that Jake considered it to be true? Nuh-uh. Not on her watch.

She moves closer to him, close enough to smell the oddly intoxicating body wash he uses - the one that always seems to get her pulse racing, but she suspects that it’s more due to the user than the product itself. “Jake. You specifically ordered dinner last night from the Chinese restaurant that was exactly thirty-five minutes away from your apartment, knowing that I would be over in twenty and you wanted to give me a chance to settle before the food arrived.”

“That, and they do the best dumplings. But yeah, you’re right - mostly the time thing.”

“I woke up this morning on a cloud of a mattress, one that you bought purely so that I would be able actually sleep when I stayed over.”

Jake’s mouth twists to one side, and after a beat he folds his arms across his chest. “I just wanted you to feel comfortable … with the added bonus of you staying over more often. Although I have to admit, once you’ve realised you have a dumpster mattress, it’s actually really hard to ignore the springs that dig into your back in the middle of the night.”

Amy’s smile grows bigger, reaching out to rest her palm flat against his chest. “And then you made us both bagels, with extra cream cheese - something that I know you don’t normally have in your fridge, which tells me you went grocery shopping just in case I stayed over. Not to mention the documentary on brass instruments that you ‘happened to see scheduled and just recorded’, because you knew I would want to watch it eventually.”

“It actually looked pretty cool,” he mumbles, shrugging his shoulders in an attempt to make it seem like a lesser deal than it actually was.

“And don’t think I didn’t notice the freshly cleaned sheets, and the space you’d made for me in your bathroom cabinet months ago.”

“…. Are you … journaling all of this somewhere?”

Letting out a soft chuckle, Amy shakes her head. “My point is, you are rocking the boyfriend role, babe. Seriously. You have been so sweet and attentive, without ever getting too much, and honestly I’ve just had the best time with you. I hope you know just how much I appreciate it … how much I appreciate you, and how great you make me feel whenever you’re around. Seriously, you should feel my heart sometimes, I feel like it’s going to beat right out of my chest.”

He still has a slightly wary look on his face, but as Amy wraps her arms around his shoulders, crossing her wrists behind his neck, Jake’s hands wrap around her waist in automatic response. “I love you, Jake Peralta. For everything you are, exactly as you come.”

A slight blush begins to wash across his cheeks, and oh, how she just wants to kiss this ridiculous notion right off of his lips. “I love you too, Ames. You’re just … the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” His grip on her hips grows a little tighter, and his voice lowers. “And I’m sorry if all of this sounded totally stupid, I just … want to make you as happy as you’ve made me.”

“Mission accomplished, babe. You’re everything I want, I don’t give two hoots what anybody else thinks.” Punctuating her sentence with a soft kiss, she rests her hands on either side of his neck and raises her eyebrows suggestively. “Now, why don’t we take care of this laundry so the bed is nice and clear, and then I can show you just how much you are the right person for me.”

“Noice. Just checking though … that doesn’t mean ‘throw everything to the floor so that I can immediately ravage my super-hot boyfriend’, does it?”

Cocking her head to the side, Amy grins. “You should definitely trust your instincts on that one.”

“10-4. We’re going to fold the heck out of this laundry.”

It’s a several years older Jake Peralta that fishes into his sock drawer one early afternoon, desperately looking for those just thick enough socks that he hasn’t seen in months but is sure he hasn’t thrown away. They’re tucked up right along the furtherest edge of the drawer, in a position that Amy’s engagement ring had once also called home, and he grins when his fingers wrap around the hidden treasure.

They’re a little less pink these days, having been through the wash several times since their re-colouring, but he can still make out the slight tinge when he holds them up to the light. Pulling them on with vigour, he makes his way back out to the living room to join his wife and son - knowing that both are looking forward to the start of their midday movie session - and also just as eager for some much-needed Family Time.

“Okay, made it,” Jake announces, lifting up the bag of candy he’d snagged from the kitchen as he’d passed, “and I brought snacks.” From his left, his son Mac looks up from his position snuggled into Amy’s side, and upon clocking Jake’s sudden appearance he beams (the kind of smile that just makes Jake’s heart soar, every. time.), scrambling in his clumsy toddler-esque style to climb onto Jake’s lap, wrapping his arms around his father’s neck in the very best way that his still so chonky arms will allow. Casting the bag of snacks to the side, Jake whispers “ready to watch the movie, little man?”, reaching out to tweak Mac’s button nose (a thankful inheritance from his mother) when he nods.

Turning his head further to the left as he wraps his arms around his son, Jake catches Amy’s eyes, noticing them sparkle as she takes it all in. Shuffling ever so slightly, Jake moves an inch to the left so that his left arm can rest on his wife’s legs, and she curls her fingers around his with one hand as she presses play on the remote with the other.

His crossed feet plonk onto the coffee table in front of him, and as he glances briefly at his socks before turning his attention back to the movie, Jake cannot help but think of the younger version of himself that had felt so insecure about his relationship with Amy. She is, after all, the love of his life (a fact that perhaps he hadn’t been ready to acknowledge back then, but one that was true within weeks of them dating all the same), and he was hers. Maybe if he’d been able to see that, he wouldn’t have taken the little things like a pair of newly coloured socks so hard.

Amy’s fingers squeeze his gently, and after glancing at her from the corner of his eye, Jake picks up on the fact that she’s just noticed his choice in attire. It would appear that the pink tinge is just as noticeable to her and it is to him - a fact that makes his heart more than a little bit happy - and when she tugs him a little closer he closes the gap between them, pressing his lips against hers in a chaste but loving kiss.

He cannot deny the smile that is growing on his face as they both pull away, returning their attention to the screen in front of them but keeping their fingers linked all the while. This right here, was everything that he needed - and undoubtedly, everything he deserved - and he genuinely cannot wait to raise Mac together with Amy, and show their son just how amazing the world can be when you always have love on your side.

#little throwback fic for kicks #dating peraltiago #with some bonus Mac action for good measure #I hope you like this!#tumblr prompts #b99 fanfic #jake x amy fic #peraltiago fanfiction

143 notes · View notes

superrman · 5 years ago

Text

Grey

Summery: TK got off the guy and fell to the side, punching a grown man took a lot out of a guy. This was not a pretty scene. He was next to an unconscious guy that he had just beaten the crap out of. His white t-shirt was covered in blood, his jeans had ripped, he could feel the black eye starting and his knuckles were bloodied.

“Maybe Austin really is a small town.”

The look on Carlos’s face, not ideal TK thought.

“TK….Fuck.” Normally TK would have loved those two words coming out of Carlos’s mouth, but currently Carlos was pointing his gun at him, looking like he wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time.

“Just for the record you do look as hot as I thought holding a piece.” Okay now he looked mad only. TK was so screwed.

Tags: TK Strand/ Carlos Reyes Recreational Drug Use Angst Canon Compliant POV TK Strand Arrest Relapse

Word Count: 6295

A03 LINK

Grey.

A concept that most people don’t understand. Whenever TK tried to explain what he meant to non-users they all looked somewhat confused. It was weird to TK’s own ears. But that’s how he felt. All of the time, how he currently felt.

Austin just didn’t fit right. Everything about it made his skin itch.

Okay so blaming the city was a little lame but he wanted to blame something other than his own mind.

He had just responded to an email from Alex. That was fun. Alex made a bunch of excuses you were never around, I was lonely, you cared more about your job -- he was his father’s son after all. But that last line; I know you were using again.

TK couldn’t deny that one, and to be fair they were all right. He had zoned out of his relationship, and just like his Dad had taught him, he made a grand gesture to make up for it. Ignore your family for a few weeks, come back with a pizza night and brand-new video games. Emotionally check out for a couple months, family vacation time. So, TK had figured the same principle applied to Alex and there relationship, ignore him and not be around, a proposal would fix all of that. It didn’t.

TK wished there had been a good reason for his relapse but there wasn’t. It was just easy. He had run into an old friend from his heavy using days, and one thing led to another, and he figured it wouldn’t hurt. One night. It made things easier. And then there was a hard call, they had watched a child die. He couldn’t sleep that night. Why not one more night of indulging. He wasn’t going to spiral out this time. He had a job, he had to be functional. It was only at night, never at the job. Only on his days off. Oxy was a blessing because half the time no one even knew he was high. That feeling. Nothing compared. He didn’t feel Grey, he felt the opposite, a kind of nothing, but a nothing that didn’t hurt, not physically not emotionally, he was floating, he was at peace. The world wasn’t peaceful but being high was. The sad part was while he was at peace the rest of the people in his life weren’t.

Accidental overdoses are easy. Your body naturally builds a tolerance to the oxy, and to achieve that perfect high well you need more, that moment of serenity that TK craved, he had to take more. In the past he had overdosed twice. And that night, that night Alex left him, that night, the night that he remembered he was just a shell, well maybe he wanted a more permanent source of peace.

And now what - what was he supposed to do? Deny it, Alex knew him better than that. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t check out or start using again but so what? It didn’t excuse Alex cheating on him. Fuck. Couldn’t he have just left him, not replaced him? Why did he have to hurt him like that? Now what did he have?

Carlos.

God that guy was a mystery to TK. He was so hot, and kind, and sexy. Why was he trying to fix things between the two of them? They had started to go on dates. After the whole debacle at the police station, TK thought he had completely wrecked it. To be honest that was what he was aiming for. Completely destroying any chance of a relationship. No chance of getting hurt. Because if he was being honest, the whole situation had started to make him feel something. And TK had no desire for that.

He would hurt Carlos, or he’d make enough bad choices that Carlos would hurt him.

TK sighed, he had all of this excess energy. And nowhere to put it. His Dad was on shift, and now he was alone. Alone with his thoughts.

He wasn’t being drug tested for a while. And even then, it was easy to cheat the system. His Dad would watch him pee in a cup if he had to, but he didn’t know that you could easily pay off the med student in the lab to fake about the results. TK had done it more than once back in New York. He knew Texas would have broke college students too.

He could control it this time. Alex breaking his heart was an unexpected moment. But this time he would be careful. He wouldn’t hurt his Dad like that again.

So what if he got a little high at night. Who was he really hurting? He would keep it a secret.

Carlos didn’t know the signs. TK thought about sex high, god that was a nice feeling. But Carlos was a cop. He had to be extra careful. He would be.

He couldn’t buy a lot at a time, he had nowhere to hide the pills now, but that was better he could control it better that way.

TK knew that his Dad still checked around the house for pills.

Confident in his choices. This time he would hurt no one, because no one would ever know.

And that was how it started. One week passed. And TK enjoyed the sensation of getting away with the high. There was something so wrong, but it felt so right. No one knew.

It was the same feeling he had after he had gotten away with the barfight. The wrongness, the reckless edge. It made him feel alive. The fear of getting caught, it made him feel excited for what lay ahead. It was better than nothingness.

Sometimes TK was worried, his relationship with the crew was getting better. Marjan and Matteo were always cool with him. He and Judd had a weird bond. Paul was a cool dude. He was good during a night out. TK felt guilty he had indulged that night they went dancing. He figured if he got caught, he could play dumb and say he was spiked. He didn't have to worry, Carlos was too buzzed to notice anything. It was so reckless but so fun.

Should he be sober for the team? No, it wouldn’t hurt them, so why bother?

God, he loved getting away with the high.

It was helping with the ache.

Carlos was at work; he was complaining about his patrol schedule. It was so domestic. It made TK worry. They were getting comfortable.

His Dad was getting drinks with Michelle, so he was on his own. His Dad had assumed he was going to be with Carlos. He was still worried about leaving him on his own too often. TK couldn’t really blame him.

But guilt. Guilt was something TK was good at ignoring. The high was worth it.

There was a bar TK had found with a steady supply. The perks of working with first responders, you learn the spots for drugs because it was part of the job.

TK headed out, blasting his music, trying to quiet his mind. Ignore the guilt. No shame. He wasn’t wrong. No one was getting hurt.

It was a lively night as always. TK laughed at the clichéness of the bucking bronco mechanical bull. Sometimes Texas was really Texas. It was full of college aged kids having a good time. Ideal for a dealer.

TK saw his dealer. Crap he had a dealer already. No time to dwell on that.

He followed the guy into the men’s room, the only place without cameras, and easily exchanged the cash for a small bag of pills.

“You know I can give you a better deal for a higher quantity, right?” TK had yet to learn the man’s actual name. He only had his number.

“Thanks for the concern, but this is all I need for now.” The smirk on the guys face when he heard all I need rubbed TK the wrong way, he could see the judgment. But what could TK say? He would be back for more. Soon he’d have to buy more. It was the way things went. No, this time TK would keep it under control.

TK went to the bar and ordered a trusty mineral water.

Smiling at the bartender, TK made casual small talk. He easily swallowed the pills washing them down with the water. No one even noticed. He was good at hiding pills.

He turned his attention to the crowd. He had always been able to be personable when he tried. Casual small talk with the regulars.

Slowly the pills kicked in.

After a few, a guy who was clearly out of the closet began chatting TK up, offering to buy him a drink. For a minute TK was tempted. And that instant he thought of Carlos, shamed filled TK. He knew that even though Carlos and he were taking it slow, Carlos deserved better. Carlos deserved better.

God he was high in a bar flirting with random college students.

Shit.

TK walked out the back of the bar, to enjoy some fresh air while the sensation of drifting was coming in. He could take another pill. It should drown out the shame. It always did.

When TK walked out of the bar, he noticed a girl who had gone out for a smoke. She was being hassled by a guy. He was bigger than she was by a foot easily. He was taller than TK. Looked buffer too. More Judd’s height and weight.

TK smiled a little, a challenge, perfect. TK had always loved getting into fights. He loved the risk, the thrill. Bigger than him, no problem. More than one guy, that just added to the pleasure. TK had purposefully fought two guys that were drunk, bigger and angry. It was just something that made him feel alive. TK normally didn’t need a reason to fight, he could always think of one later, but tonight it was like a gift.

TK walked over just as he did, the girl yelled at the guy to leave or she’d start screaming.

The fear on her face, angered TK, in a reckless sort of way.

Without even thinking about the consequences, TK shoved the guy hard, getting in between the guy and the young girl.

“She said leave.” The other guy was clearly drunk, and not going to take no for an answer. TK was just fine with that.

“You are going to regret that you, little bitch!”

TK relished the fight. He made sure to give the girl enough room to get away. She ran into the bar, and TK, god, he felt good. The guy was bigger, but not a good fighter, he got in a decent punch, he was going to have a black eye, but otherwise TK was more skilled, once he had the man off balance, it was easy.

He was able to straddle the guy. He shouldn’t have thrown the next punch, but he did. The guy was down, but god TK didn’t care. There was something so cathartic about the violence. This guy got off on scaring girls, now he would remember what happened.

TK should have heard the sirens. But he didn’t. He was too focused on the fight.

“Police!” TK recognized that voice immediately.

TK got off the guy and fell to the side, punching a grown man took a lot out of a guy. This was not a pretty scene. He was next to an unconscious guy that he had just beaten the crap out of. His white t-shirt was covered in blood, his jeans had ripped, he could feel the black eye starting and his knuckles were bloodied.

TK leaned back to balance before he buckled, “Maybe Austin really is a small town.”

The look on Carlos’s face, not ideal TK thought.

“Just for the record you do look as hot as I thought holding a piece.” Okay now he looked mad only. TK was so screwed.

Behind him another police officer came up to check on the guy that TK had just finished beating the crap out of. “He’s going to need a hospital.”

Shit.

He should have stopped hitting the guy earlier.

“You can go with him; I have this guy.” Carlos said.

Not how TK imagined being handcuffed by Carlos. But it was about to happen. TK pulled himself off the floor, then put his hands in the air, he had been through this process enough times to know what to do. The other officer had his gun trained on him, while Carlos cuffed him. TK knew he’d be even more fucked when Carlos patted him down. It was procedure before putting him into the cop car. He would find the baggie of pills, he hadn’t tossed it. Rookie mistake. Shit.

Carlos grabbed his wrists, not all together too gentle. TK felt the cold metal clasp around his wrists. Carlos held his arm as he guided him to the car. TK knew he was talking but god, trying to focus was hard.

This would have been the point in the night when he would have taken another two pills to continue the high. Not looking likely now.

“Do you understand your rights as I have told you?” Carlos asked. Bring TK back down to earth.

“I understand.” TK mumbled. Letting out a small cough, he tried to cut the tension, “Not my first time getting arrested Officer.”

“This isn’t funny TK, that guy was out cold.” Carlos really had the disappointed mother hen voice down.

TK tried to shrug but it was hard to do in cuffs, while Carlos was still holding his arm in place.

“I have to check for weapons, do you have anything on you that I should know about?” Carlos asked, TK couldn’t place the emotion in his voice, and thankfully he wasn’t facing him.

“Nothing that does any damage to anyone else.” TK sighed; Carlos was patting him down anyways. Why should he have believed him?

TK hated this moment. He loved the feeling of Carlos’s hands on him normally, but now...it felt wrong.

Carlos turned him around. And checked his front jean pockets. He pulled out the bag. Christ TK wished he never saw that look. There was a flash of anger that was soon replaced with pity. TK looked down. God. He was monumentally screwed.

“TK…” Carlos groaned. He was shaking his head.

“What can I say officer, sorry I didn’t offer to share that was rude of me.” TK wished he could shut up. He was not helping the situation.

Carlos opened the door to the car and shoved TK into the seat. He could hear Carlos swearing under his breath. TK’s Spanish wasn’t good enough to understand.

But this was better, Carlos should be angry. He couldn’t help TK now. He might be over the edge this time. Assault and possession, he wasn’t that good at explain things away. He could justify the fight enough to potentially hold onto his job, but the pills nope, not this time. His Dad would kill him.

Shit Dad. He would have that stupid disappointed look on his face. This was going to break his heart. TK was sobering up way to fast. TK breathed in and leaned back, pushing his head as far back as he could. He’d have preferred covering his face with his hands but being handcuffed in the back of a police car was not ideal.

No way he would be able to pass a drug test now. Deep breaths. What the hell was he going to do?

“Are you going to say anything?” Carlos spit out, he could hear the frustration in his voice. What could he say to him that would make this make sense?

There was no decent explanation.

Sorry but I figured getting high when people weren’t around was fine, and then I started feeling guilty so I figured a fist fight would help, didn’t mean to get so out of hand but you know shit happens. He doubted Officer Reyes would understand.

Soon he’d be royally fucked, they were almost at the station.

TK sat up straight he could feel Carlos’s glare through the rear-view mirror.

TK tried shrugging again.

Carlos pulled over to the curb and turned off the engine, He turned around to face TK.

“You’ve fucked up your entire career tonight, you know that right?!” Carlos shouted. TK wished he didn’t see the concern behind the anger. Carlos was too good.

TK just swallowed hard. He knew he had fucked up. The problem with hanging of the edge of a cliff is that eventually you’ll fall off.

Carlos hit the bars separating them. TK didn’t expect that. And then he flung open his door, and within seconds he was being pulled out of the car. With one arm Carlos yanked him out, and TK was lucky Carlos was strong otherwise he’d have fallen over. Carlos slammed the car door behind him, and then he shoved him up against the car. TK’s wrists hit the handle, and then pushed into his back.

It was more than uncomfortable it hurt. TK was shocked, this had to be breaking protocol.

“What the hell?!” Carlos yelled again. Fury and pain was clear in his eyes.

“There isn’t a good explanation.” TK groaned; he did not want to have this conversation. He was already screwed enough. “I wanted to get high, so I did, and I wanted to get into a fight so I did. And now I am fucked.”

“Fucked doesn’t even begin to describe your situation.” Carlos spit out. “How the hell do you plan to get out of this huh?”

TK wanted to laugh for some reason. “Look the second you found those pills it was over. Potentially I could have explained away the fight, but no way around possession. I get that there is no way out now.”

Carlos looked confused. As if there was something that didn’t quite add up.

“Why haven’t you asked me to toss the pills?” There was something in the way that Carlos asked that, he sounded hurt.

“I wouldn’t ever ask you to do that.” TK was not that much of an asshole.

“Why not? Everyone always asks the arresting officer to look the other way. I have had people ask favours because I am Latino, or because I am gay or because they saw me on the street once, but you don’t even ask and we are… fuck I don’t know.”

Oh shit. TK didn’t know how he had managed to fuck up getting arrested even more, but somehow he did. Asking Carlos to help him like that wouldn’t be admitting they were something, it would be hurting Carlos to help himself, and he could not do that. “I can’t ask you to compromise your ethics because I am a fuck up!”

Carlos had to know that he was much better than TK, how could he ask him to do something that would make him feel like shit. TK would just mess up again. “I don’t deserve it.”

Carlos was looking at him in an odd way. “You really think that don’t you.”

TK didn’t want to look at Carlos anymore, he turned his head to the side. “I can’t take advantage of you; you are too good. You deserve better.”

Carlos’s hand touched TK’s cheek, it was so gentle, softly he guided TK’s face back towards him. “Why did you do this? Please help me understand.”

TK half smiled slightly for a moment. What could he say but; “because it felt good, okay.”

“A black eye and risking your entire career felt good?” God why was Carlos so damn beautiful, it made everything harder.

“I just...I...I have been using for a while. I am pretty good at being a functional junkie, never at work, but still.” TK wanted to shift his face back, but Carlos held his hand on his cheek forcing TK to look at the man.

“Anyways that guy was hassling a girl and I just...it pissed me off and I figured a fight was another thing to liven up the grey.” TK didn’t know the words to make him understand how fucked up he was, how much he itched, and craved for the high. “You shouldn’t help me, look at me, this is the real me, this is why I didn’t want you to get close to me.”

Carlos flinched. “How does someone so amazing, end up thinking so little of themselves?”

TK couldn’t look at that adoration in Carlos’s face. He closed his eyes. Wishing that he was anywhere but here.

“You run into burning buildings to help people, you see a friend in pain you go out of your way to cheer them up, you are kind and brave, how are you also this monumentally stupid.” Carlos moved his hand away from TK’s cheek, and moved it to his bicep. For a second TK thought perhaps Carlos wanted to shake him.

TK laughed. Brave. Being a firefighter meant everyone thought he was brave.

“What’s so funny?”

“I run into burning buildings cause it’s the best high you can get without pills, its reckless and it makes you feel alive, when I gave up pills the first time, I replaced one high with the other.” TK had never admitted that out loud. He had no real calling to be a firefighter. He just figured that it would be a good chance to be back in his Dad’s good books, and then he tasted the adrenaline, he lived for it.

“TK….” Carlos looked to be struggling to find the words. He had to realize there were no words.

“This is my fuck up, you don’t have to fix me Carlos, I am so sorry.” TK wished he could take tonight back. He really messed up, but no way in hell TK was going to let Carlos compromise his integrity for him. He was going to arrest him; he was going to turn the pills into evidence. Carlos was still close enough that TK leaned forward and kissed him, a gentle peck. An apology kiss. “You have to give the pills into evidence. And you are not allowed to feel guilty. I messed up not you.”

Carlos kissed him back, his kiss was angry and hard, and not what he expected. “You really love making things hard for me Tyler Kennedy.”

“I know I messed up but seriously with the full name, that was uncalled for.” TK tried to coax a laugh.

Carlos opened the door again, this time he put TK in the back gently.

He was forgiven. At least he hoped he was.

“Ever consider dating a convict?” TK figured what the hell, not like he had much more to lose tonight.

“Seriously TK?” Carlos groaned. “How can you be so calm?”

What could he say? As a professional fuck up, he always knew this day would come. He was afraid of only his Dad’s reaction. But he had time for that.

They pulled into the station. “This was not how you were supposed to meet my friends.” Carlos murmured into TK’s ear as he led him to booking. TK laughed at that.

“What can I say, at least I will be memorable.” TK tried to angle back to see Carlos’s face but it was hard with the cuffs.

When they entered the bull pen, TK’s heart stopped, his Dad was already there. Standing next to an older man, Shit Carlos must have radioed ahead when he had zoned out.

TK looked at the ground immediately, waves of shame radiating through him. He wished he was high now, it would at least make this easier to deal with.

The other man walked towards them.

“Sir.” Carlos said. He could hear the deference in his voice, this was a superior. Of course, probably because he was the son of a prominent fire chief, he wasn’t just messing up his career. Damn Dad, I am sorry, TK wanted to blurt out. How had things gotten out of control so fast?

“You’ve had quite the night, Son.” TK willed himself to look up, that was odd the man was smiling.

“Um, sir?” What was he supposed to yah, it was a great night?

“See the young woman you happened to defend was the daughter of Judge Reynolds, she had a restraining order out on that man you so thoroughly beat up, she told us the entire story.” The man clapped TK’s shoulder.

A judges daughter. A judge tight with what looked like the chief of police. This was too good to be true. Public officials looked out for one another, attacking one of them was an attack on them all. The cops would do anything it took to protect a judges daughter.

This wasn’t happening. Was this a get out of jail free card?

“Uncuff the boy, Reyes.” The man had a booming voice.

“Sir.” TK felt Carlos unlock the handcuffs, and soon his wrists were free.

“I don’t understand?” TK voiced. Carlos still could stop this. One mention of what he found on TK and boom, the good will would end because his father would put an end to it.

“Well Lucy, the young woman told us everything, how she went out for a smoke and Greg attacked her, and how you without any regard for yourself stepped up to defend her, and so obviously we won't be filling charges. I called your Dad here to take you home. I am sure Judge Reynolds and Lucy will want to thank you personally.”

TK saw his Dad beaming at him. He walked over. “I am proud of you son, but next time try and not knock the guy into next week, you gave him a concussion.”

“Sorry.” TK said sheepishly. “He was kind of bigger than me, it was hard to tell if he was down.”

Being an addict didn’t give you many valuable skills but being fast on your feet was one of the only ones. TK went along with the whole story.

"Ehhh" The other officer laughed. "Your boy was just doing what was necessary."

“So, no other charges?” TK asked, it was a silent question to Carlos, just say it Carlos. Even now TK wouldn’t blame Carlos, he knew what following the law, being an honest cop meant to Carlos.

His Dad looked at him a little weird. “Don’t worry kid they checked with the bartender she confirmed you were just drinking mineral water. Nothing to clear up. Let’s take you home and get some ice on that eye.”

TK couldn’t believe his luck. This was not happening.

His Dad didn’t seem to suspect a thing. He chatted with him on the way home. TK lied easily saying he was bored, and he heard about the mechanical bull, it sounded funny. His Dad didn’t even blink, and of course since he had confirmation that he had stayed sober at the bar, TK knew he was just proud he had stepped up to protect someone else.

“I think I am going to lie down now Dad; I am sore as shit.” TK mumbled.

When he entered his room, TK saw his phone, Carlos wanted to meet.

What should he do? Fuck.

TK snuck around back. He did not want his Dad to know about this. Carlos said he’d meet TK at the end of his street.

TK groaned, as he walked down the street, without the oxy his body really hurt.

Thankfully he had changed out of his bloody clothes. He was wearing a comfy hoodie, and sweatpants. He saw Carlos’s Camero at the end of the block, his shift must have ended right after he let TK go.

“Hi.” TK had another moment of not knowing what to say, it was becoming a habit around Carlos.

Carlos had his arms folded as he leaned on the hood. “You know tonight did not go how I expected at all.” He had one of those collared shirts on that hung on his bicep. And a pair of dark jeans. He looked perfect.

“Looking good officer.” TK smirked at him. Figuring couldn't go wrong with a compliment.

Carlos chuckled, still not changing his posture.

“You are fucking lucky as shit.” Carlos said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the baggie.

TK sighed. “I won’t blame you if you tell the truth.”

“Not exactly possible now that I let you walk.” Carlos pointed out extending the bag towards TK.

“Fine then arrest me now.” TK grabbed the bag. “I never wanted you to have to cover for me, it’s not right.”

“I am not going to arrest you TK.” Carlos sighed. "I don't want to,"

“You should.” Taking the baggie into his hand, TK didn’t know what to do, he still craved it. He should have gone to a meeting that night.

Carlos looked so dejected, TK knew what not turning him in was doing to Carlos. He was a good police officer, he would cut a break to someone who deserved, but TK didn’t. He had a million chances, he should have known better. He was hurting someone who didn’t deserve any pain especially not from him.

“I always thought of my using as victimless, until one night I overdosed, and my mom and Dad looked like they had just had their stomachs pumped not me. I felt bad but I just told myself I wouldn’t take too much again, no one would get hurt” TK mumbled. “The second time, I was a firefighter, and luckily they considered it an accident, on the account they had been prescriptions and I had been injured on the job so…” Carlos just waited for him to continue. “But god my team was so worried. I figured this time, okay I will stop for real. And then...and then last time.”

How did he tell Carlos, that last time he had tried to kill himself? “I fucked up. I just always think this time I will be careful enough, this time no one will get hurt. I never not once wanted to hurt you.”

“Then stop.” Carlos looked at him with such hope. Stop, what a novel idea.

“I am trying.” TK knew it was a shitty answer. But he was trying. “I am going to a meeting first thing.”

Carlos nodded. “Okay then.” His eyes lingered on his hand; TK was clutching the baggie tighter than he should.

Fuck.

TK chucked the bag as hard as he could. “I swear.”

“I know but I still don’t really understand…” Carlos was mulling his words so carefully. “I want to understand why getting high was worth everything tonight.”

TK shoved his hands into his pockets. He felt so small in this moment.

“I wish I had a good explanation, I guess once you start, well stopping is hard.” Carlos didn’t look convinced. “Not just the cravings which never seem to go away, but the rush, once you reach that perfect high, that singular moment that takes away your physical and emotional pain, well, real life doesn’t seem as appealing after that.”

Carlos nodded.

"I've read the pamphlets I get intellectually its hard for you. I just hated arresting you tonight. I hated everything about tonight."

“I should have worked the program harder, I guess I thought I could do it on my own, but I know how lucky I got this time Carlos, I am going to sober up. I’ve done it before.” TK wished he could sound more convincing, the only thing he could promise was he was going to try.

As Carlos turned away, TK’s heart sank. What could he say? Did he even want Carlos to stay? Could he handle any of this?

“Can I ask you something?” Carlos was holding his car handle door, but his body was angled towards TK, he could see the battle in Carlos’s eyes, should he stay should he go?

“After tonight, I owe you any answers you want.”

“Why did you start using pills?” TK chuckled; he knew Carlos was wondering how a middle-class kid with two loving parents decide to go down such a dangerous path, after all he had it pretty good. Sadly for Carlos there wasn’t a trauma it was just a series of bad choices. It could happen to anyone.

“It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time.”

TK hopped onto the hood of the car. Signalling Carlos to join him; “I did just get my ass kicked. I am a little tired.”

Carlos laughed “please I saw the other guy, you really can handle yourself in a fight.”

TK shrugged. “Sorry to say but it’s because I’ve had practice.”

Carlos frowned. He sat next to TK, he was clearly waiting for TK to tell him the story.

“I guess it started when I was a teenager. I was partying a lot anyways drinking a lot, and smoking weed all of the time, but when I was eighteen I was dating an older guy.” TK turned his head towards the sky, he’d rather not see Carlos’s face, he did not want to sound like a tired cliché, but he was.

“How much older?” Carlos asked.

“He was twenty-seven at the time.” Carlos groaned.

“It wasn’t like I was exactly inexperienced or anything. Anyways he was a big partier, and I started hanging around people who did some stronger things than weed and it was like this whole new world had opened up. First it was uppers, and then it was opioids, they had really hit the scene. I had been struggling with depression for a bit but pills were an easy fix and suddenly I realized that I liked feeling high better than I liked sobriety.”

“But why?”

TK chuckled. “My mom is a bigger work-a-holic than my Dad mostly because she had to raise me so after I grew up a bit she started to chase the dreams she had let go of, I don’t blame her. My Dad was never around, we are close now but that’s just because I joined his crew. So I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, and I just I don’t know felt lost.” TK had always wanted to feel like he was a part of a family, sadly for him his family had always been fractured. “I was left without supervision so no one noticed when I fell in with the wrong crowd, and no one really noticed the signs of depression, I know I didn't."

TK had never been good at asking for help. "And like I know it’s bad in Texas and I can’t complain much because New York.”

“Being out anywhere is a challenge TK.” Carlos interrupted firmly.

“I know, but let’s just say first responders tend to not look to fondly on gay kids.” His Dad might have been supportive, but TK had grown up hearing how he was a blotch on his Dad’s legacy. Sucks that the all American Owen Strand had a gay kid. It got worse after he started partying more, TK hated to admit it he had been arrested more than once. He was lucky to still be admitted to the academy. If his mom hadn’t been such a good lawyer, well his life could have gone a completely different way. “And I guess I was always thinking I wasn’t good enough. I made some bad choices. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so it was easier to fill the gaps with pills.”

TK wondered still if he picked the right thing.

“Okay maybe it wasn’t a long story, but for a long time I tried to convince myself that if I was using, I wasn’t hurting anyone, and then it was this time I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I am starting to realize that I can’t use and not hurt people, so yah.” TK wasn’t sure what to say.

Carlos sat up. “I hope you do stop TK, cause you deserve to think more of yourself. I won’t mention the drugs this time, but…”

TK wanted to promise there wouldn’t be a next time, to erase the worry he saw in Carlos’s face, but he didn’t want to lie like that. But this time he would try.

TK kissed Carlos, maybe that would convey what he was trying to say. “I will try, I swear.”

“Try for yourself.” Carlos sighed.

“I have to get going TK.” Carlos looked sad. “Call me if you want to hang out sober minus the cuffs.”

TK hopped off his car. “Maybe you can bring the cuffs still.”

“Busting my balls, huh?” Carlos laughed.

TK shrugged. The only thing he could say was; “Thank you.”

Carlos nodded.

“One time TK, never again.” Carlos got into his car.

TK watched him drive away. He knew where he had tossed the pills, he could go and find them. And then sober up tomorrow. He was still sore from the fight. But he could hear the finality of Carlos’s voice. The pride in his father’s eyes. Was it worth it?

Never again. Carlos had meant it.

Don’t break so fast.

Shit, he really was going to have to go to a meeting.

He wasn’t going to lie to Carlos, he was going to try. Maybe just maybe to see in himself what Carlos saw, because he wanted to be that guy.

Fin

#tarlos #911 lone star #tk strand #carlos reyes #jasonvtodd #for emily she is the reason i have written so much #i know suddenly two long fics in a week i don't know whats happening either

53 notes · View notes