#tw reference to r*pe

[pumpkinpastiesandcoffee]

Cursed Experiment

Sukuna x F! Reader ... 18+

Summary: A need to do something of use pushed her on the path of research, a path that lead to Ryomen Sukuna, a path that will haunt her forever. Words: 2646 Warnings: This whole thing is a big TW. NSFW, non con, blood, power play (its Sukuna guys cmon), unprotected, creampie, degredation, breeding kink sort of, size kink sort of.

A/N: I shouldn't have to say this but I don't condone actual r*pe or anything of the sort. This is fanfiction. Emphasis on the fiction.

~MDNI~

Being such a low-grade sorcerer was not the best feeling in the world, looked down on by so many, pitied or hated it felt the same. If only you had been born like a regular human, you could hide away from the monsters of the world, you could live guilt free because of you’re complete and utter uselessness. Unfortunately, however you could see curses, which meant you had to try hard, you had help otherwise that guilt would eat you up. Between that looming guilt, you’re barely there technique and desire for you to at least be able to protect yourself is how you came to be a student at jujutsu high. You did come to learn however, your talents lay in academia. Studying and analyzing, putting together reasonable theories to help in combat against the curses and curse users. After the Shibuya incident you were more determined than ever to learn and with that your mind had set itself upon Yuji Itadori and the powerful curse that resided within him, Ryomen Sukuna.

It had been weeks now, following the boy around and studying him, asking him all sorts of questions then disappearing into as much of the literature you could find. To your surprise, Itadori had been rather enthusiastic about your assessment, hoping in your studying of him that you might find a way to rid him of the curse and spare him or at least give him total control so that Sukuna didn’t harm anyone again. The curse in question had no intention of helping you though, chiming in on occasion purely out of his own amusement. You’d even taken to questioning Choso in order to gleam more insight on how cursed objects affect a host’s body. Although he wasn’t entirely helpful either, more so from a lack of understanding his own nature than a desire to help.

It was the topic of the death paintings that you were currently chatting about to Itadori, sat across from one another on his bed, a notebook to your side and laptop resting atop your lap. “So, we know very little as I said, but we can expect that they were created with their mother’s egg of course however when it comes to the paternal parentage it’s more of an, educated guess. See, it could be Noritoshi’s seed and the curse’s blood or cursed energy.” Taking a breath you continue with a slight exaggeration, “Or, it could be the other way around. The curse’s seed and Noritoshi’s blood. I don’t think imbuing his cursed energy would have passed on the Kamo blood technique though but explaining all why seems unnecessary for now. Anyway, what I’m getting at is…” as you continued on Sukuna had formed a mouth on Itadori’s cheek, remarking to the boy “Well, the little mouse is not so dull, imagine that. Prattles too much though.” Your cheeks burned red, eyes snapping up at the same time Itadori’s hand clapped over his cheek, a grimace on his face as he apologised.

You should be used to it by now, Sukuna had, on quite a few occasions, added his own comment to your conversations and it was never kind. Usually something about your weakness, hence he often referred to you as ‘little mouse’. It hurt at first and Sukuna seemed to enjoy that reaction, however now it mostly pissed you off and even though you tried to ignore him, his taunts seemed to burrow under your skin like some evil little parasite, poisoning your mind with hateful thoughts that had once been so foreign to you. “S’okay Yuji” you reassured, shaking your head and flashing a somewhat strained smile. You couldn’t blame him, he was nothing like Sukuna, so you were always quick to remind him of that. As you turned your eyes back to your notebook you hummed, a stray thought finding it’s way past your lips, “If you fathered a child, I wonder if it would possess any of Sukuna’s techniques or biology.” Thinking out loud truly was a bad habit and you felt nerves creep over you the second you said it, apologizing immediately, worried it was an inappropriate topic or just plain insensitive considering his impending execution.

“What an interesting question mouse, perhaps you should experiment, be the next Noritoshi hm?” The snide remark sent chills down your spine and Itadori stood up, waving his hands nervously as he apologised again. “Ah, perhaps that’s enough of my chatter for the night, I’ll leave you be Yuji” your voice had a waver to it, betraying your discomfort as you stood to collect your things. As you turned to leave, a hand clamped over your wrist and the sudden restraint had you jolting, notebook and laptop falling to the floor with a crash. As your eyes met Itadori’s you felt that cold chill wash over you, that feeling when your entire body knows it’s in danger and your stomach seems to collapse into itself and leave a nauseating heaviness in your gut. The hairs on your body stood on end as the sight of Sukuna’s distinct markings made your brain scream in fear and as you began to pull your hand back you knew his comments about your weakness were accurate. He could squeeze his hand and snap your wrist like a twig and the energy that radiated off of him stole your breath away.

He was smirking as he pulled his hand to his chest, forcing you close to him as he spoke in low voice, “You ask a lot of questions, it’s … vexing.” His voice trailed into a something of a growl, his annoyance clear as he continued, “So I’ll provide the experiment to answer one of your many questions, it has been a long time since I’ve indulged after all so I get something out of it too.” He really phrased it like he was about to do you a favor and in hopes of changing his mind, your brain and mouth finally started to work again and you teared up as you stuttered, “No, no Sukuna it, it was a p-passing though, please, d-don’t, I don’t want this!” Your words began to roll together in the panic as you began tugging against his vice like grip. He remained unmoved, staring at you like you were a hissing kitten, amusement barely hiding the cruelty in his eyes.

“You don’t want this? Hm, I thought you were dedicated to your studies, a shame.” Sukuna tilted his head, hand releasing you as he crossed his arms, muscles flexing in a way that only cemented your fear further. “I took control for this little experiment and you don’t want it? Ungrateful. Disrespectful.” With your arm free you stepped back, once, twice, then you turned to sprint and within an instant a hand had splayed out across your stomach, winding you with the force and as a scream tried to claw itself out of your throat another hand had clamped over your mouth. You felt your body being drawn back towards him and while Itadori himself wasn’t an overly large guy, he wasn’t like Aoi Todo in build or even Gojo in height, he still dwarfed you and his hand seemed to cover the entire lower half of your face, a couple fingers stretching down your neck.

The hand Sukuna had pressed to your stomach traced up to your neck, fingers curling over the neckline to form a fist around the fabric before yanking harshly, the buttons and fabric of your uniform giving away easily under the force he used. He pulled your bra down next, exposing your chest to the room as your tears ran freely down your cheeks now, collecting against his hand before spilling over and dripping down. A bored hum resonated from his chest as his free hand groped at your breasts, index and thumb capturing your nipple before pinching it harshly making your writhe against him as you tried to cry out only for the sound to muffle. Your hands tugged at his arm, trying to pull it off your chest as he chuckled. “I’d normally prefer to let you scream your little lungs out but, I’m on limited time so let’s not risk being interrupted.”

Sukuna turned towards the bed as his hand released your nipple only to travel down to lift your skirt instead, snaking under your panties and fingers parting your lips and searching for your core. Your hands followed his arm, nails digging into his skin as you tried to stop, your choked pleas ignored as his middle finger pressed into you with a groan. “Even for such a little thing your tight, I wonder, is it fear or is my little mouse a virgin? Perhaps both” he chuckled as he pressed his palm against your pelvis, forcing your body further against him and the erection that was now clearly rubbing against your lower back. The hand over your mouth loosened, giving you space to breathe and you took the chance to beg the curse for mercy and he rolled his eyes as he scoffed, “You’d be better off screaming, I have no intentions of stopping. I am curious though, is this fragile little body of your really untouched?” Sobbing, you nodded “Please, Sukuna please, don’t, don’t, please don’t.” “How fitting, a virgin sacrifice, that should be an omen of success for this experiment” Sukuna laughed, once again ignoring the pleas as his hand clamped back down on your mouth.

Forcing another finger into your tight heat had you squirming, pressing up on your toes in an attempt to get away but it only served to make the monster behind you groan into your ear. Deciding not to waste anymore time, Sukuna removed his fingers and instead used them to tear off the flimsy fabric that had been your underwear. “I’m gonna need both hands now, so no screaming yeah? Anyone that interrupts me will die and you don’t want people dying on your behalf, do you?” Another sob seems to wrack itself through your body and your hands fell away from his arm, your will to fight fizzling out at the promise of death. “I’m going to need you to answer me mouse, I want to hear you say you won’t scream.” As he dropped his hand from your mouth you barely had the capacity to speak, choking out between sobs, “I won’t scream, I won’t, I promise.” Sukuna chuckled, content with your compliance, “That’s a good little mouse.”

Now he pressed you forward and into the bed, forcing you onto your knees, ass up and face pressed into the mattress. He unbuttoned the fly of his trousers, pulling his cock out and rubbing the fat tip against your pussy. His touch might have been rough but your body had reacted how he wanted and you were slick enough it would be enjoyable for him. You dug your fingers into the duvet, wishing, praying you’d sink into it and disappear before he got any further but your thoughts got crushed as forced the angry red tip into you. Sukuna dug his own nails into your ass as he gripped himself and tried to get in further, “If you don’t relax, I’m only going to be rougher.” He sounded irritated, like the burning stretch that had you crying harder now was simply an inconvenience to him. You tried though, you really did, squeezing your eyes shut and willing your body to relax to the intrusion but it had a mind of its own and seemed only to defy you, muscles clenching in an attempt to stop the curse from using you.

Sukuna clicked his tongue, “I warned you” and he pulled your hips back harshly, forcing himself in. You know you promised not to, but you screamed, it was thankfully muffled by the duvet that you had pulled into your face but Sukuna brought a hand down on your hip, snapping at you to be quiet. It felt like you were being split in half, like he tore your tight cunt to fit himself in, a burning, stinging pain that radiated throughout your pelvis and down your thighs making you gasp for air. He moved more freely now, sliding in and out with a deep grunt of pleasure as the coppery smell of blood filled your nostrils making you gag and bury your face deeper into the bed. “Humans, you’re as fragile and weak as bugs” He mused as he slammed your hips back against himself again. Even now he seemed bored, as if using your body like some fuck toy meant nothing to him. Maybe if your mind wasn’t so shattered you’d have picked up on how his pleasure seemed to come from dominating you, tormenting you, ruining you.

He reached a hand forward, yanking your hair to the side, forcing your face into the light and displaying the swollen red mess that was your eyes. Cheeks streaked with tears and the outline of his handprint that had slowly begun to bloom into a bruise in some places. He grinned then, eyes taking in your look of despair as he fucked you into him at a brutal pace, hand returning to your hip and once again he sunk his nails into your flesh pulling a broken cry from your lips. It sounded hoarse, your throat sore from sobbing, from screaming into his hand then the bed. Sukuna knew he was running low on time, he could feel Itadori trying to claw back out and he focused on the blood now instead. Watched as it beaded up then slipped over the swell of your ass, some of the droplets making it as far as your thighs.

Finally Sukuna felt that coil tighten, pulling your body as close as he could, the head of his cock now hitting your cervix with bruising force that had you whimpering in pain despite the odd heat of pleasure that still managed to build in your own stomach. He rutted himself against your ass, blood smearing and staining his pants, the smell of it and sex filling the air and with a low, rumbling groan he spilled himself inside. Your heartbroken sobs only serving to fuel him, encouraging him to press as deep as your body could possibly allow and he stilled, breathing slow and deep, watching your tense body quiver. “Hm, here’s a question for you. If you do get pregnant, will Itadori be there for you and the child? Will he run, convince you to abort it, maybe he’ll suggest you keep it? He’ll definitely blame himself either way. Stupid. Humans are so stupid. I look forward to it though. Breaking him is very enjoyable after all.” Sukuna pulled away, completely releasing you now, watching as the mix of blood and cum slowly dribbled out of your swollen cunt, the occasional drip falling onto the bed below.

Once you realised you were free you collapsed, legs pulling up to your chest as you trembled, waiting for the curse to disappear as bile burnt your throat as the sick reality of the situation settled over you. It felt like forever and yet it somehow it felt like it had all happened in the blink of an eye and you realised you felt dizzy, the room seemed to swim and shift before your eyes. Suddenly Itadori’s voice rang out, a choked gasped followed by a loud thud as he stumbled back only to fall on his ass. Itadori didn’t want to look, he really didn’t want to see but his eyes seemed fixated on the trembling form on his bed and he knew, he knew all the apologies in the world, no matter how sincere, weren’t going to fix this. A silence seemed to swallow the room now, disturbed only by Itadori’s scattered breaths and your own shaky, whimpered ones.

[blossomthepinkbunny]

Poor rendition of queer characters in HH and HB

Here I am again talking about queer representation in Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, this time just more generally. Because it's always a little weird to me when people claim HH/HB to have good queer representation, when in actuality most of the queer characters are either just blatant stereotypes or get mishandled somehow. And with Helluva Boss recently winning the Queertys - Web series reward I think that this is probably a pretty good time to acknowledge that kind of stuff (as people have done before).

TW: Sexual assault, R@pe (when referring to the actions of characters)

Blitzø (Pansexual): is very sexual and seen on screen multiple times either having sex or just having had sex. Pretty much fits the general stereotype of queer men always being sexual and also the stereotype of pansexuals just sleeping with everybody. Like, he literally screwed the mutual Ex of his coworkers even though he knew how much that guy hurt them.

Stolas (Gay): also mostly sexual (from how he was introduced) and he is in a pretty terrible "relationship" with Blitzø, which includes coercion, SA, Power dynamics and fetishization. Another very sex-driven queer man. Also just great proof for the people assuming that queer relationships are inherently predatory, unhealthy and never work out.

Moxxie (Bisexual): is often forced into a very feminine role because even in relationships with women, queer men always have to be pointed out to be feminine and putting a guy in a dress is funny I guess.

Fizzarolli & Asmodeus (Queer): they're actually better than a lot of the other characters here but there is still some of that uneven power dynamic going on with them and there are obvious issues with their relationship. Overall they aren't too bad though. They didn't get that much sexual focus and what they got is kinda warranted since Ozzie is the Lust demon. But there is that one scene with Fizz stepping out of his car with Dildo confetti canons (I think) and that was sorta weird, since in an episode before that they presented Crimson as being homophobic and stereotypical for assuming queer men are all obsessed with dicks. Which is just interesting because thats most of the queer men in Vivzepops stories.

Chaz (Queer): just a sexually abusive asshole because we definitely needed more predatory queer men in this show.

Sally May (Trans mtf): basically the single recognized trans character in both shows and she only had one line. After that they made fan merch for her which consisted of her in a bikini with her bulge being drawn pretty visibly (multiple times). Of course there's nothing wrong with Trans people who don't have surgery but it's just a tiny bit weird to me that fanservice merchandise is what she got reduced to, when something like that wasn't even the joke of the only line she had in the show and because she hasn't recieved any kind of focus after that.

Angel Dust (Gay): now there is a lot of stuff that could be said about Angel. On one hand he is another very sexual gay man whose screentime often just consists of sex jokes and references. On the other hand that's a big point for his character. How he tries to act confident in his sexuality when in reality it's the main source of his problems. Though he does often harass other men in the show and that's just so unnecessary. Talking about Angel mostly leads into discussing if he is good representation for SA victims or not, which is something I don't want to talk about that much because I feel like it's not my place to judge that as someone who never has experienced SA. I'm gonna say that I do find Viv's treatment of him outside of the show insensitive (with the pro-shipping, diminishing Valentino as an Abuser and general sexualization of the characters) but as far as the portrayal of him in the show goes I've heard different opinions and you should read the discussion's of actual r@pe survivors about this topic if you want to know about more about it.

Husk (Queer): I don't have anything to say about Husk. He is a very refreshing queer man in these show's and there is nothing bad about him I could think of right now.

Valentino (Queer): for him I mostly want to talk about how he is treated outside of the show which doesn't sit right with me. He is a villian in HH so it's understandable that he is gonna do effed up stuff. I also like that the show tries to make a point about how men get sexually assaulted too (wether they succeeded in that inside the show I'm not gonna judge too hard like I said). But there are a lot of people who not only sexualize him, but also his actions and his relationship to Angel and from what I know Viv never really spoke out against that. She actually interacts with people who do that stuff and I it's just kinda gross.

Vox (Queer): I also don't have a lot to say about him. He and Val are a couple so he is dating a r@pist but he is also a villain so you can't really expect more from him. Especially since he would still be interacting with a r@pist even if they weren't dating.

Alastor (Aromantic, Asexual): is obviously not interested in relationships or sex but his identity is pretty much ignored by a huge amount of the fandom. Vivzepop never say's anything about people blatantly invalidating him like that. It seems to me like she doesn't care about characters who can't be involved in shipping but still wanted to have more diversity in her show so she just called him AroAce. In Hazbin Hotel he isn't bad representation though. His sexuality is never the focus but thats fine, it's mostly just the treatment he gets outside of HH which I don't like.

Charlie (Bisexual): doesn't have a lot to her sexuality. This is something I talked about pretty lengthy in my other post, specifically about the lack of Sapphic content in both shows, so I won't go into too much detail here. Her relationship with Vaggie would probably be the best in both shows if it wasn't for the fact that they both never get the real spotlight as a couple. And there is that thing in Vivzepops stories where the women are pretty much sexless without men and that's obviously something that is generally an issue when talking about the lack of Sapphic representation (which is also a topic heavily tied to sexism). Charlie's portrayal isn't necessarily stereotypical but that's just because there is nothing to her identity in the show.

Vaggie (Lesbian): like I said I already talked about the Chaggie relationship so now I wanna focus on something I didn't even mention in that post. Her name literally being Vagina and that's apparently funny because she is a Lesbian so she obviously likes Vagina. That's just incredibly stereotypical and also excludes Trans Lesbians and Asexual Lesbians who don't want sex. The whole joke was that Adam named her that because he is obsessed with sex and he's a jerk. But her name was always Vagina even in the pilot (from what I know Adam wasn't conceived then and neither was the idea that Vaggie even is a former exterminator).

That's all the queer characters I could think of. I hope I didn't miss any.

I thought about including Millie here too. But she was also already included in my other discussion post and I still don't know if she is canonically Bisexual of if that is just a headcannon so I didn't put her here.

I'm just gonna say that i don't have a problem with queer men being sexual (or any queer person in that regard). But it's pretty much every one of her queer male characters. This is especially bad when a lot of the relationships are toxic as well.

I just think too many characters fit stereotypes and to me that isn't good queer representation. If you like the depiction of queer characters in HH or HB that's good for you and you don't have to agree with me. But you also can't really deny a lot of this stuff and you can't expect others to just be fine with bland, hurtful and sometimes even toxic representation like there is in these shows.

[aries-the-red05]

EVERYONE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THIS!!!!!

Huge GIGANTIC TW for SA, mentions of rape, mentions of masturbation, and transphobia.

A 2018 report from the Indiana University Maurer School of Law along with a subsequent report in the UCLA Journal of Gender and Law, found that it was common for trans women placed in men's prisons to be assigned to cells with aggressive cisgender male cellmates as both a reward and a means of placation for said cellmates, so as to maintain social control and to, as one inmate described it, "keep the violence rate down". Trans women used in this manner are often raped daily. This process is known as "V-coding", and has been described as so common that it is effectively "a central part of a trans woman's sentence". The report also found it common for correctional officers to publicly strip search trans women inmates, before putting their bodies on display for not only the other correctional officers, but for the other prisoners. Trans women in this situation are sometimes made to dance, present, or masturbate at the correctional officers' discretion. The prisoners serving as customers for these women are informally referred to as "husbands". A 2021 California study found that 69% of trans women prisoners reported being made to perform sexual acts they would have rather not, 58.5% reported being violently sexually assaulted, and 88% overall reported being made to take part in a "marriage-like relationship". Trans women who physically resist the customer's advances are often criminally charged with assault and placed in solitary confinement, the assault charge then being used to extend the woman's prison stay and deny her parole.

This not only happens in the USA, but happens globally and there has been documented cases of it happening in France and the UK as well.

Many people aware of it fear that it will drastically increase after Trump's Project 2025 as trans women are arrested and imprisoned for simply existing in public, this is a real possibility, and the influence can spread globally to cause other nations to do this too.

Best I can say is: SPREAD AWARENESS PEOPLE!

Written by u/communistsorcerer

Commented on a post by u/communistsorcerer on r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns2

Spread this!!!!!!!

[takeyourcyanide]

Do What You Will

AO3

TWs: Repeated Mentions of R@pe, Implied/Referenced Childhood/General Sexual Abuse

Fandom: Soul Eater

Character(s): Franken Stein, Marie Mjolnir, Spirit Albarn, Yumi Azusa, Lord Death

Tags: Implied/Reference R@pe/Non-Con, Implied Mind R@pe, Implied/Referenced Child, Abuse Implied Childhood Sexual, Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Trauma, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Not Beta Read, Triggers, Franken Stein Has Sexual Trauma, Age Regression/De-Aging, Hurt/No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 6 978

Summary: Stein believes Marie is going to harm him in some way, and it ultimately leads to a belief she has assaulted him in his sleep, and planned to assault him whilst awake. Marie is unsure how to handle the situation.

Note(s): I hope this isn’t all over the place. This took me way too long, I’ve been so scrambled lately. I forgot what I was originally going to say. I can only imagine everyone’s faces when they read that summary haha. I’m working on other shit. When it comes to the series, I’m not sure that I’m going to do multi-perspective. Most likely not.

With the crashing of the thunder came the flashing and burning of the lightning, in which they disguised themselves, capturing Stein freely, flash on, through the now covered window.

Franken stared unnerved daggers into the all-encompassing darkness drawing him in, into the ceiling on which it seemed both spiders and some sort of humanoid creature crawled.

The bugs dashed and chased on and under his unwilling, exhausted, and pallid flesh, fingertips brushing against his scalp, his shoulders, his neck, as he pondered until morning what would be done of his saying too much.

The metal, rusted frame of his unwelcoming bed creaked with fervor from the slightest of breaths, from the slightest of movements. He’d have covered his ringing ears, but his extremities were practically paralyzed under the weight of the raging, unbridled, and crushing trepidation.

He’d been forced to rely on Marie. It wasn’t his fault. He was forced to confide in Marie. He didn’t want to. He hadn’t failed himself. He hadn’t worked against himself. She wouldn’t hurt him. But there was no point in deceiving himself for the sole sake of comfort; then he’d be just the same as each and every coward he’d ever criticized and chided.

What would the woman do to him? He had calculated from the very beginning that her kindness and generosity was a mere act; an easy and banal way in which she could earn the trust of others, particularly Stein, only to suck his soul of whatever life is still left within it.. For whatever life he was born with. But how would she utilize her mask to her advantage? Franken could see through her, and manipulation seldom worked on him… Or did it? What if she had mastered the art and he hadn’t even realized he was being played? Would she do something physical? Or would she simply tell everyone about the deepest pits of his harrowed soul?

He never wanted to see her again. He never wanted to hear of her again. He never wanted to see, nor hear of anyone ever again.

He had to kill her. Not even dissect her. Kill her. He never had an interest in basic and overdone homicide, but how else could he achieve safety? Would he ever? Had he ever once experienced such a feeling? No. He needed to kill her. Maybe a prompt dissection afterwards. Perhaps he’d even experiment on her if he felt well enough. But that was not the goal. He had to kill her. If not kill, then run away from her. He knew not of what she would do, but he knew for certain she’d do something.

His formerly chilled skin warmed to unprecedented levels for reasons he could not comprehend, the steady ringing growing louder, a hushed whisper and a lullaby joining the unending and incessant noise.

Stein wanted to scream, bloodcurdlingly scream… He wanted to scream, and scream, and scream until his sore throat bled, the thick, crimson liquid pouring out from his shredded lips. He wanted to rip each individual strand of tangling, unkempt, and rustling hair from out of his head, he wanted to devour himself whole, just as the supposed “paranoia” was. It was slowly turning his entire body inside out, toying with him as though he were but a helpless rag doll.

But they only wanted him to believe that he was just paranoid, so that they could more easily do as they pleased with him.

Lord Death would surely put him to death for murdering a comrade. But would that be so bad? But then all of the work he put into rehabilitating, or rather, suppressing his violence, his malice would be thrown out of the same window that they were all looking in on him from.

What would become of him if he were to run away? Perhaps he could simply attempt an escape first and see how that pans out; an experiment. His favorite.

Stein glanced over at his small, bedside clock, of which read in luminous, ruby numbers, ‘04:44.’

Marie was an early riser. She’d typically awaken and begin undertaking her habitual routine anywhere from 06:00 to 07:00 in the morning. And it was only a Thursday, meaning she had to be within the DWMA’s walls by 08:00.

Once she leaves and moves far enough away, he’d go… somewhere. He couldn’t simply venture out into the desert could he? The DWMA had eyes everywhere, they’d catch him eventually, especially if he were to be still within the confines of the city. And he didn’t have a plane ticket.

What if he were to hide out at some bar? A tavern such as Chupa Cabra’s, perhaps? No one would expect him to be there… But the staff would surely notify every one of his appearance at their establishment the very moment he’s classified as missing. Not to mention, they’d find his long stay awfully conspicuous… And they’d have to close eventually…

Where could he go? Perhaps he’d simply have to stay in his laboratory. He could attempt to avoid Marie, but she’s a persistent woman.

Then again, he was the strongest meister to ever graduate from the academy… Surely he could defend himself. But he was vulnerable in the current state he was in.

As he checked the clock again, which now read ‘5:14,’ a certain phrase buzzed around, shouting in his skull repeatedly;

“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

🎩 🎩

🍭<(^-^)>🦖

“I made some breakfast, if you’d like some. It’s nothing much, though,” Marie distractedly stated from the bathroom, fiddling with her blonde hair, as Stein trudged leisurely past her.

He spared a concurrently disinterested and suspicious glance over at the kitchen, canned crescents stacked upon a rotund, oxidized pan, the scent of the food wafting out and filling various sectors of the laboratory.

The meister took an almost unnatural-seeming seat down onto one of the two loveseats perched facing one another in the quaint living space, his body taut, muscles refusing to relax, unable to freely sink into the inviting coziness of the cushions.

“You need to eat, Stein,” the weapon gently lectured, sticking the end of one of her golden earrings in and through the teensy little hole in her lobe. “You know you shouldn’t be skipping meals.”

“‘M not hungry,” he muttered under his breath, eyes threatening to close as he babbled out an overtired, and low-pitched whine in protest - one of which Marie herself was unable to detect.

“But you didn’t eat hardly anything last night, surely you are,” she spoke with a tone of disbelief, as thought Stein were the liar and not her, whilst straightening her lengthy skirt.

“I don’t want to eat,” he gripped his lower lip with his sharp teeth the moment his partner’s hand made contact with his scalp, with his silver hair. It was similar to that of the invisible being’s touch, but more soothing, and less attention-seeking.

She gently ran over the more fragile skin with the very tips of her painted nails, running lithe and well-versed fingers throughout his hair just the way he liked it.

Manipulative and calculating was she.

“Come on, Franken. Unless you think it might nauseate you this time, you need to eat something before I leave. I want to watch you. You’re my responsibility now, and that includes your terrible eating habits,” as opposed to continuing with the mauling of his lips, he moved to roll his inner cheek in between his teeth, biting down hard into the ample and soon-to-be irritated tissue, helping him to focus on not allowing his body to go slack, and melt into her beguiling ministrations; that’s only what she wanted out of him.

Though after the noise-filled, restless night he had, he’d be lying if he said the gesture wasn’t lulling him into a soundless sleep.

But that’s only precisely what she intended to happen.

Stein bolted away from her touch as thought it had scorched his skin, a surge of seething paranoia manhandling his limbs for him. Marie’s eyes briefly widened, before a concerned and baffled glint bloomed within her brown eyes.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” She prodded with a sincere countenance, though that did not fool the mistrustful and non-naive scientist.

“Nothing,” he stood guardedly, his alert eyes bulging out from their sockets - somehow his most striking feature despite the screw protruding from the side of his head. He held his arms in a folded manner, close to his sternum, as though he were attempting to shrink away from whatever stimulus had disturbed him so demonstrably.

Marie analyzed the ever-clicking clock, reading aloud, ‘7:29,’ with a pensive sigh.

“I’ve got to head to the academy, Stein - just… Please, eat something today.. Something more substantial than a small snack if you can. And if you can’t, then try to eat multiple little snacks or something until I get home. And just remember, you can tell me anything, okay?”

In other words, “feed me more information.”

Stein kept his mouth closed, continuing to shy away from her very presence, as he observed her every step whilst she sauntered towards the door, a perturbed expression on her visage.

“I’ll be back soon,” she flashed him a kind and somewhat knowing smile as she exited the premises.

What did she know that he didn’t?

Upon her departure, Franken spun in repetitive circles, scanning each and every crevice which surrounded him with a simultaneously quizzical and agitated gaze.

And it ran through his head once more;

What does she know that I do not? What is it that I am missing? Does she have a leg up on me? Perhaps. What do I do? What will *she* do?

A rather delicate tapping on his shoulder left him reeling, whipping around, only to discover nothing, save for a promptly dissipating shadowy figure.

They were taunting him.

“Go away,” he murmured, his face rather petulant, as he awkwardly stood in place.

He stared into the abyssal corridor, considering striding his way back into the warmth of his bed, deterred by the clear and unsettling presence howling from within it, audibly groaning in annoyance.

But he needed to walk through the hallway, even despite the stirring, for they were each still monitoring him intently, sniffing out his vulnerability like bloodhounds. What if they were to see that he was too disquieted to enter a stupid hallway? He’d be easy prey for them, then. He was acting as though he were a scared and small child begging his parents to check the closet and look under the bed for the curated ‘boogeyman.’

And if he were being frank, he almost wished there was someone here whom he could send through the daunting corridor before him - or perhaps even walk alongside him. But that was a moronic desire to have, thus he settled on shoving the odd clump of feelings down, mechanically marching through the energies, of which, too, followed after and above him.

Stein rushed under the weight of his blanket, eyes batting back and forth and all over wildly, as he made himself as comfortable as he could possibly be given his current predicament.

He retrieved the little stuffed, stitched up and bandaged T-Rex which laid beside him, cradling it against his chest, as he slotted his thumb immaturely between his two metallic-tasting lips, the blanket up and over his hiding head.

What was he meant to do the rest of the day? Question precisely what would be done with him? He didn’t wish to think about that.

What was he meant to do the rest of the day? He could no longer research, he could no longer do anything other than shout back at the fizzling static. He couldn’t nourish himself, he couldn’t sleep properly, for even if he did sleep, it was never restful. He couldn’t take care of himself. He’d grown into a large child.

The thought left him to curl in on himself even more so. He’d say that at least he was still emotionally independent, but Marie keeps trying to force him not to be. She, the rest of the academy, and the radio wanted nothing more than to take everything from him. Is that what she’d do? No poisoning, no rape, no selling him into sex slavery, no simply being here to mock him, no nothing except for further ruining him? She’d most definitely discuss her breaking of him with the others, though, there was no doubt about it.

Every thought he could hardly process, every foreign feeling rising within him culminated into one large whirlwind swirling and twisting his insides. He clutched the stuffed toy closer to his chest, his chin resting on its fuzzy head, as he closed his eyes, only to reopen them upon hearing their breathing, feeling their presences.

This became a repetitive process long ago; opening and closing, and opening and closing. Over and over again. Eventually, he’d managed to slip into a wasteful sleep, finding himself awake once more within an hour or less. Over and over again.

The more they sang, the more they muttered, the more a certain frustrated ball raged in his throat, the closing muscles in his throat battling and arguing with his open glottis, just as he’d been in a constant shouting match with the popping static since day one.

The foreign sensation worked in tandem with the old friend he was well-versed with, feeding on his decomposing flesh like vultures whilst he supposedly lived, as he shoved his face into his stuffed animal, avoiding what stood all around him, as well as the light of the morning sun illuminating his gelid bedroom.

It was truly a never-ending cycle; the same precise process over and over again.

🎩 🎩

🍭<(^-^)>🦖

Stein groggily peeled his eyelids open, entirely disorientated as he took in the lack of light, his eyes oddly moist, rubbing the obnoxiously yucky, sticky discharge from his eyes, as he jolted his body upwards, coughing and wheezing into his clammy hand. He pitifully whimpered, still feeling too small for the body he was inhabiting, internally frigid, despite his perspiring skin being swelteringly hot, trying desperately to breathe through his snotty nose.

The cacophonous sound of steel cookware banging against various other materials caught his attention, the world spinning uncontrollably after he whipped his head in the direction of the sound.

Was Marie home already? For how long had he managed to sleep? But he couldn’t feel this way when she or anyone else was around.. What was she going to do to him? What did she want from him? And why was he suddenly sick? Had he quite literally neglected and stressed himself to the point of illness?

His train of frazzled thought was ultimately interrupted by the grumbling of his intestines, and the burning within his vacant stomach. A sense of hunger-induced nausea rose within him, leaving him feeling faint and weary.

Perhaps he’d have to eat whatever Marie decided to whip up. At the end of the day, if it happened to be poisoned or anything, at least that would add a layer of thrill to his currently mundane life.

Franken utilized the smooth, stone walls as an aid whilst he stepped lethargically through the corridor, having hardly made it down the stairs without injury, his surroundings still twisting and turning like warping mirrors in a funhouse, squinting his bare eyes as a sudden burst of light came into view.

“Stein! You’re awake!” The weapon joyously spoke, dancing around the laboratory like some sort of conniving, and overly-expressive ballerina. “I checked on you once I got home, but you were deep asleep. It’s already past seven.”

Deep asleep? She went into his room? What? Why? What? What did she- no.. Did she do something? What did she want? What did she do? What happened? He never sleeps deeply, nor for a very long time. How did he manage to sleep that long? Why’d he have to be sick now? Did she touch him, too? What did she do to him? Why didn’t he wake up? Is he that sick? Wha-

“Earth to Stein? Are you okay?” Marie waved the hand that surely grazed his skin in front of his watering eyes, his chest tightening. “Hey… You don’t look so good. Are you sick?” She placed her palm over the male’s dazed forehead, countenance becoming rather worried and shocked, as she gasped out, “You feel really warm.”

The meister remained still, unresponsive towards her manipulation, as Marie gave him the once-over, observing right away how the tone of his skin seemed to lighten significantly since she last laid eyes on him, and how flushed his cheeks were. His shoulders were slumped morosely, his under-eyes blending in with the absence of light in the hallway.

“You should really take some medicine, Franken,” she softly stated, placing a cool hand on his heated shoulder.

Stein flinched away, instinctually grimacing, acting on a sort of fight or flight response. He bit on the inside of his lips, shuffling away from his weapon.

“What’s wrong?” She appeared almost guilty.

He wanted to tell her to stop pretending. To just be honest about wanting to have her way with him. Or mocking him. Or whatever else she premeditates and has done. She was just like everyone else, after all. Unfortunately, however, his mouth would not comply with his desires, opening and closing just as his eyes had earlier, unable to form a sentence properly. So, he simply settled on shaking his head back and forth, twitching his fingers, and continuing to shuffle backwards away from her imminent touch.

She wanted to have her way with him.

“It’s okay, Franken,” Marie had seen him get this way before. He’d behave rather childishly, though given her proclivity towards children, she never once minded taking care of him. The only problem was that Stein minded. “You can tell me what’s wrong.”

A sizzling emanated from the kitchen. Along with the random flashing of a light, which caught the scientist’s waning attention. The woman’s prodding voice disappeared into the ringing, of which overpowered her ceaseless incanting. The only string of words he managed to process happened to be:

“Franken? Are you maybe feeling… a little small on top of sick? Do you want me to get some medicine for you?”

Was it that obvious?

He couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted to rush away from her, and lock himself away from her greedy fingers. Wouldn’t she just transform her hand into her hammer form and knock down the door if necessary? What was the point?

Stein nearly sucked his whole bottom lip into his mouth, concealing the gentle quivering with his teeth, though she was standing directly before him and could easily watch as he suppressed salty tears.

Why was he even beginning to cry? He never felt the urge to weep - even as a small child. He was only failing himself, allowing for Marie to swoop, with ease, in and exact every single vile fantasy she’s ever had onto him.

“Hey… Don’t cry,” she stepped forward, closer to her meister, of whom hadn’t even realized he was blubbering.

Stein began hacking again, shoving his face into the crook of his arm, whining noiselessly as his body convulsed, sniveling.

“Aw, sweetie,” Marie tried to soothingly pat him on the back, empathetically pouting as she ogled at how his frame shook.

Franken, once again, jerked away, shouting, “No!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” the woman panicked, as a harsh and distressed sob interrupted his violent coughing. “I won’t touch you again. It was on instinct, I-“

“You ‘ill ‘gin,” he slurred his words together horribly, struggling to breathe and speak as he crumbled completely, sitting on the icy floor, his back against the wall.

“Huh?”

“Y’u will again!” Franken exclaimed, his legs sprawled out in defeat, his arms limp, his chest bumping up and retracting rapidly.

“No, love, I won’t. If you don’t want me to touch you, then I won’t, I promise.”

“S’op lying,” he snarled. “‘Ou went in bedroom an’..”

“Oh, no, Stein, no, no, no, no… All I did was crack open the door. I just noticed you were sleeping, that’s all,” her eyes widened significantly at what he was implying, her stomach falling to her feet. “I would never ever do anything like that to you - or anyone else, for that matter.”

Marie kneeled down, far enough that no contact was made, but still too close for comfort, as any form of ‘by him’ was enough to startle. But, truly, she had no clue as to how she could console Stein without involving physical contact. That’s what she was used to, after all. Evidently, that was the complete opposite of what he was used to or usually enjoyed. Though she’d try her best regardless.

Franken shrunk in on himself, bringing his knees against his abdomen, away from the weapon, hiccuping, wetness staining his face, as his eyes swelled.

She’d be lying if she said it wasn’t the least bit cute to see the typically stoic, somewhat composed and calm man shudder and pout. It was, however, a little difficult to focus on how much she wanted to just squeeze him when he was… seemingly experiencing genuine terror for the first time in his life, and well.. accusing her of a nauseating practice for unknown reasons. Perhaps it was madness-induced?

“Come on, you have to know I’d never do that,” she drawled, earning the most malice-filled glare ever directed towards her. “Okay, look… I know this must be scary for you, but I don’t understand why you’d think that. I mean… While you were pretty deep asleep, I’m sure you would’ve woken up if.. Death, I don’t even want to think about that,” Stein coughed once more, shoving his head into his knees to evade the sheer dizziness of it all.

She sat down, leaning against the wall opposite to the scientist, of whom had returned to apprehensively eyeing her.

“Liar,” he sniffled, somehow managing to back further away into the concrete and stone. “List’ning ‘n watching, too…”

“What?” Marie confusedly tilted her head, particularly taken aback at whatever notion that happened to be.

“Go’way…”

“Are you sure you want me to leave?”

“Go away,” he demanded more persistently than before.

“Okay… If that’s what you need, sweetheart,” she lifted her body, standing and glancing over her shoulder as she walked into the kitchen, fully prepared to throw the surely scorched food out.

Stein observed how almost disappointed and distraught she appeared, how sullenly she moved.

‘Someone give that woman an Oscar,’ was the first thought that came to his mind.

🎩 🎩

🍭<(^-^)>🦖

“I just… I don’t know what to do,” Marie abruptly huffed in complaint, playing with the food she had diligently prepared.

A variety of smells intermingled, everyone having cooked vastly different meals for their lunch-break, the Death Room’s brilliantly blue sky blessing their food, never faltering despite the fog and thick clouds saturating the outside.

“Oh, Death, what relationship troubles are you experiencing this time?” Azusa sarcastically questioned, earning a snicker from Spirit.

They were each sitting, comfortably cramped, around a boxy and wooden table, including Lord Death himself, of whom merely chuckled along with the group’s antics.

“No, no…. Actually, it’s not that this time,” the hammer sighed sorrowfully, taking a humble bite out of her chicken. Her eyebrows were pinched closely together, her jaw clenched in anxiety.

“Then what could it possibly be?” Albarn teased, a blithely sardonic smirk stretched across his visage. Mjolnir scowled at him, smacking his upper arm upon hearing his mirthful giggles.

“It’s about Stein, you jerks,” she almost seemed genuinely offended and hurt, visibly perturbed.

“Oh, has something happen?” Yumi immediately placed her utensils onto the table, paying her utmost attention to Marie.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you about him… And stop by for a visit,” Spirit, too, attentively sat, too unease to continue plunging food down his gluttonous gullet.

“It’s just… He.. I think the madness is getting worse…”

“In what way? Is he attempting to cut you open?” Azusa jumped the gun, solemnly ready to attack.

“No! No, no… Not yet, anyway.. He just accused me last night of… Ugh, this is.. He, like, broke down and accused me assaulting him in his sleep.. And then he said something about ‘listening’ and ‘watching,’” Marie shuddered, repulsed by the very prospect of the accusation.

Lord Death and Azusa kept silent, analyzing and processing the words said to them intently and pensively.

“What did you say back? How did you respond?” The seriousness and urgency on the scythe’s countenance was uncharacteristic of him, only serving to further trouble the blonde.

“Well- I, uh… I told him that I’d never do that, and I didn’t really get why he was saying that, and I knew it must have been scary for him, and that he’d have to know I would never do such a thing, and-“

“Don’t argue with it,” he held his hands up warily and advisedly.

“What am I supposed to do, lie and tell him I actually raped him?” A wave of defensive surprise washed over her.

“No.. God, fucking no! Whatever you do, don’t argue OR validate that shit. Look - I’ve been through this with him before, though he’s typically not that open about it…. He started acting kinda weird and out soul resonance began to suffer, and I found out he thought I put cameras and shit in the vents and around the house, and was selling the video is online, and telling Lord Death over here literally everything he ever did or said,” Spirit elucidated, pointing informally with his thumb over at his boss. “I made the same mistake of getting defensive about it and arguing with him. We couldn’t resonate for a good couple of weeks until whatever that was went away somewhat, because he had absolutely no trust in me at all.”

“Then what am I supposed to do? He was sick, too.. I don’t even know if he took anything after I went to bed…”

“Just-“

“And it’s not like I could get close enough to try and comfort him or anything,” she neurotically interjected.

“Just remember that he’s not gonna believe anything you try to do to convince him otherwise. He’ll be suspicious of you no matter what you do. And if he’s not accepting any sort of physical contact, just… Erm… Well, say sort of what you said, like, ‘Oh, it must be really scary to think that.’ Though he may not exactly love that either, it’s better than entirely dismissing him. Just ask him why he thinks what he thinks, but be aware that it may sound a little off or strange. You need to allow him to slowly warm up to whatever sort of comfort you try to give him. Be reassuring and patient. It’s a little hard to know what to do in the moment, but you’ll learn, I promise.”

“Are you sure?” Marie had never felt so grateful over something Spirit had said or done.

“Yes, absolutely. I did. It’s not something he really talked about, but whenever he started to act even weirder than usual, it was just like a switch would go off in my brain, and I would just prepare for whatever consequences came from his thoughts,” the ginger tittered in remembrance. “He’d go from, like, his usual… just existing self to startlingly agitated due to this all, so it’s something I just learned how to handle.”

“Yeah, I noticed that… Thank you, Spirit,” she flashed him an indebted and sweet smile, the corners of her mouth stretching from ear to ear.

“Oh! And also, pay extremely close attention to the language you use while talking to him. One wrong word and I was on trial,” he laughed, grinning himself.

“What do you mean exactly?” She curiously prodded.

“Anything that would imply you feel obligated to do whatever you’re doing is a no-go, I noticed. And anything that would imply a loss of control on his part, or… I’d say anything that’d imply you actually did whatever he thinks you did or are planning on it, or are going to harm him in some way, but just your existence is evidence of that to him,” Albarn began to scarf down his food again, feeling a little more confident in his friend’s abilities to assist his other friend.

“Oh… I told him this morning that he was my responsibility.. Is that included? Is that bad?” A surge of guilt and self-directed frustration swirled within her body.

Death Scythe nearly choked on his food, shaking his head theatrically back and forth.

“Fuck, no! Don’t say that again unless you want to infinitely worsen everything,” he swallowed his meal cartoonishly loud. “For him, that’s, like… It sort of equals, ‘Oh, they don’t even want to be here in the first place? They’re out to get me.’”

“Okay…. Ugh, now I feel bad,” she moaned immaturely, sulking whilst sluggishly taking in tiny bits of food.

“Well, use that to improve.. Even I don’t get it right with him one-hundred percent of the time. It’s sort of impossible with Stein.”

“I think Stein finds it impossible to get it right with himself,” Azusa sneered, breaking her long lasting silence, Marie and Spirit chortling along. “What do you think, Lord Death? You haven’t spoken much, which is odd, given that it’s you.”

“I’m frankly a little concerned.. It doesn’t seem that Stein is distinguishing between the madness and the non-madness anymore,” his body language was particularly ruminative, as his usual gleeful voice possessed a lower and more gravelly twinge to it.

“Yeah… He’s not,” Marie stared down at the table, burning a gaping hole into the oak the same size as the one carving into her thumping heart, as she watched her close friend die a slow, and painful death. “Do you think he’ll come out of it?”

“He always does. I have complete faith he will this time,” Albarn offered his opinion, or, rather, desire.

“Yeah… You’re probably right…”

Hopefully right.

🎩 🎩

🍭<(^-^)>🦖

“Stein? I’m home!” Her voice echoed, bouncing off of the walls. “Franken? Where are you?”

Marie sat her purse down onto the coffee table, roaming around the laboratory in search of her meister, finding him seemingly glued to his computer screen, staring at nothing at all whilst sitting in complete darkness, the only light coming from the living room, giggling to himself, as he spun his chair repetitively.

“Stein?”

He nearly gave himself whiplash, having harshly snapped his head towards the weapon, eyes wide open.

“Hey, what’cha doin’?” She stood awkwardly in the doorway.

Marie was a persistent woman.

The scientist continued to stare through her, that same fuzzy glint in his eyes from the previous night readily apparent.

“You still feeling a little small, baby? I know yesterday was stressful for you,” she sympathetically reminisced, Stein ripping skin off of his lips with his sharp teeth, visibly growing more uncomfortable. “How long has it been since you last ate? I know you probably didn’t eat hardly anything yesterday.”

Franken shrug his shoulders, mumbling, “What’d’y’u care? Wan’ keep me alive f’r more?”

Marie tellingly exhaled, remembering her and Spirit’s conversation. At least she could apply what she’d learned to a real situation.

“Well, I’m hungry, and was wondering if you were too. Why do you feel that way, dear?”

Stein’s face contorted into one of blunted repulsion, shrinking away from the already not close Marie.

“Not feeling very verbal, then?” The weapon languidly asked upon receiving no response… And, well, listening to how difficult it seemed to be for him to simply speak. “You wanna come sit on the couch with me? I’m gonna order us some food.”

She wasn’t going to allow for letting more food go to waste.

The meister appeared fairly on tenterhooks at the notion, his formerly bulging eyes narrowing in leeriness.

“It’s okay if you’re not ready to.. I can sit out here if you want to come out.”

“Why’re y’u bein’ so nice?” He maffled, his right thumb unconsciously making its way past his lips, as he chewed on it, sucking on portions of the skin at times.

If she were to say it was because he’s her friend, would he view that as obligation?

“I want to be. You’re just adorable,” she beamed, avoiding a variety of responses that floated about in her brain.

That disgusted grimace returned to his face, or rather, a disgusted twinge. It wasn’t something she took to heart, for it was clear to her that it was an instinctual, guttural reaction he was having to the foreign treatment. And it certainly didn’t help that he was entirely mistrustful of her kindness and generosity.

“Ado’ble?” He babbled out quizzically. After all, he was infamous for his violent tendencies. Most wouldn’t consider him anything other than scary.

“Adorable,” she assured, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over her chest.

How could she not find him cute? Sure, she’d seen for herself how malevolent he could be, but watching his sadistically and atypically giddy, curious expression as he dissected anything and everything lit up her world. Though, maybe not as much as it lit up his world.

“You wanna come sit on the couch?” Marie asked once more before leaving.

While the couch did sound cozy and inviting, would she not pin him down and have her way with him? Could he use his soul-thread sutures to keep her from moving, giving him the upper-hand and ability to escape?

Stein began coughing, sniffling into his arm as his thoughts encased him.

“Aw, still a little sick? It’s hard to see how you look in this darkness,” she chuckled, waving her hands around as to almost point at the shadowy room. “How about I get you some medicine? I think we still have some liquid cold and flu stuff…”

Franken pursed his lips in response, another painful reminder of an experience he did not want, nor choose to have. That is, other than the finger lodged in his mouth that he had long since forgotten to force out, for Marie would find something to exploit regardless.

Liquid medicine was only for when he felt too incompetent to swallow pills, though she always called it “feeling small.”

“‘Kay,” his mutter was barely audible, as Marie beckoned him to follow after her, Stein complying, desperate to rid himself of his pestering illness.

When all was said and done, she’d hurt him whether he avoided her or not.

“You don’t have to speak, okay? It sounds like it’s a struggle for you right now. You don’t ever have to feel pressured to around me,”

He peered up at her most likely feigned sincere expression, his mind unfortunately betraying him as he was pushed further down into headspace.

He shouldn’t enjoy her lies. But he was. It was fuzzy-ifying in a pleasant way, for once.

Why was he even enjoying it? That’s what she wanted out of him, anyway.

A needle-less syringe filled with icky-tasting medicine was placed between his lips, floating between the two, not coming in contact with either, as the horrendously sticky liquid ran down his throat. He swallowed, snarling as he chugged down the glass of water he was given, chasing a tasteless paradise.

“Doesn’t taste very good?” She mimicked his displeased countenance, a fascinatingly empathetic response that the scientist, in any other state of mind, would pick apart until there was not an atom left. In his current mindset, he couldn’t even process thought, however, so only a quick and brief analysis was conducted, being stored in his head for a later date.

The both of them sat side by side on the quaint, little sofa, Stein still too apprehensive to sink into its warmth, though Marie sighed in relief as she fell peacefully into the cushions.

She pulled her phone out from her pocket, clicking away at what was evidently some sort of food delivery app, leaving the meister to wonder what else must’ve been in her pockets. Condoms? Or would those be in her clearly intentionally-placed purse… Right by the place she wanted Stein to be. And what was stored in her leather bag? Rope? Some sort of sex toy to use on him as he tried to writhe away? Was there a variety of toys?

Speaking of toys, the longer he found himself stuck inside of his aching skull, the more he desired to rub his hand around his T-Rex’s fur.. To caress its tail in an effort to maintain his composure.

Tears welled in his eyes, causing him to feel more pathetic and moronic than he’d ever felt before, bring his knees to his sternum, shoving his face into the crack in between.

His heart felt as if it evaporated from his body, a cavernous, hollow hole left in its place. He felt as though he might faint, though that most certainly would only give her easy access.

A sob racked his body, garnering the attention of a certain individual.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” She promptly tossed her phone aside once finished, rushing to quell whatever storm was raging on within him. “You want me to get you your dinosaur? Maybe that would help?”

Oh, God, could she read his thoughts, too?

He lifted his head, slamming it against his kneecaps repeatedly, struggling to merely inhale and exhale, teardrops having seeped into his pajama pants.

“No, no, no, don’t do that, baby,” she worriedly chided, holding his head still reflexively, immediately backing away once Stein bolted to the other side of the sofa, eyes bugging out of their sockets.

His lower lip trembled as he bit into it, whimpering as he returned to his former position, though this time yet another finger found its way back into his mouth, despite its unsanitary nature.

“Yeah, how about I get you your T-Rex? I’ll be right back, okay?”

At least something could cuddle with him. Perhaps it could soothe him and offer him some form of tranquility?

It still pained her to walk away from what might as well have been a weeping baby, especially since that baby was Stein. And Stein didn’t cry. So, it was more than obvious that something was deeply wrong.

Eventually, she’d rushed back to their shared living space, holding out the stuffed animal for him to latch onto and take.

He lifted his eyes cautiously, speedily yanking his favorite stuffie from out of her covetous, unrelenting, and grabby hands, tucking it in between his knees and against his sternum.

What if the supposed “medicine” he was given was a sedative?

His bawling only grew in intensity, as he nuzzled into the softness of his toy, gasping for air as the revelation of just how monstrously he’d betrayed himself fell upon him as crushingly as if the weight of the sun had been the thing to fall on top of him.

“Why’s ever’one wanna touch me?” He began to ramble, a few wheezes here and there as he snuffled.

“What do you mean, sweetheart? Why do you think that?” She moved back towards the sofa, plopping down onto the farthest side.

“Everyone a’ways does,” he whined into the head of the T-Rex, kicking his feet up and down, upset, similarly to a toddler. “Don’ wan’ be touched.”

A toddler…

“I’m sorry you feel that way, sweetie. It must not feel very good..”

What was she supposed to say in this situation?

“Don’ feel ‘at way! I’s the truth!” He choked on yet another convulsion-inducing sob, hugging the T-Rex even tighter than before.

Marie knew Spirit said she’d eventually adapt to Stein… But she was beginning to doubt that idea. What was she supposed to do? Just sit here and listen to him wail?

“Why do you think that?”

“‘Cause tha’s what a’ways happens!”

“Has it happened before, love?”

He glowered at her for simply asking, forcing himself deeper into the corner of the couch.

“Go’way,” he repeated once more. “Jus’ like everyone else.”

“No,” Marie denied his request. “I’m not just going to leave you alone again, Franken.”

“Why not?” He caterwauled.

“That’s not good for you. Come here, sweetheart,” she held her arms out.

“No.. I wanna be alone..”

Marie leaned closer, pulling him in, allowing for his head to rest in the crook of his neck.

Franken squirmed away from her, the weapon only continuing to hold him, hoping to Death it was comfort him in some way.

He tried to use his soul-thread sutures out of pure fight-or-flight, they sparked and dissipated like the flame of a failing lighter, evidently too distressed to properly utilize his skill.

Was it because he never was really distressed? And thus using it in such an anguished state was something he genuinely needed to practice?

Whatever the case may be, he eventually just gave up, succumbing to her unbidden whims.

‘I thought she said she wouldn’t touch me if I didn’t want to?’ The thought left him hollow.

People weren’t to be trusted. This was going to happen whether he avoided her or not. But why did he let himself cry in front of her? He’d betrayed himself for nothing.

A few monotone-sounding, dead sobs escaped his mouth.

He should probably keep it shut if he wants nothing inside of it.

Why did she continue to hold him even when it was perfectly clear he wasn’t enjoying it? Wasn’t she supposed to be the “caring” one?

No matter her intentions, it didn’t make it feel any better.

With the crashing of the thunder came the flashing and burning of the lightning, and soon he was too empty, too betrayed despite having always expected it, and had been much too sapped to cry.

She could do whatever she wanted with him. He was done.

[ultimateloserboy]

// TW R-pe and p-do references cuz theres insane shit going on rn??? just a vent or rant or whatever im sorry

i genuinely want to vomit right now i cant believe you people are trying to claim bill fucking cipher is a R//PIST i want to throw the fuck up. i fully respect you and understand if bill and fords situation in the book triggers you but to claim he ever SAd him is a flat out lie and fucking disgusting.

you people dont give a fuck about actual victims you just want to have the moral high ground and its going TOO fucking far now!! telling people theyre as bad as r//pists and p//dophiles because they read the OBVIOUS subtext in a DISNEY OWNED fucking book is insane. genuinely fuck you.

again, if their relationship triggers you i have no ill will towards you and i respect you fully, but to claim its SA or telling other people theyre real life CRIMINALS over gravity fucking falls is batshit crazy dude.

as a victim of multiple types of abuse, yall arent fucking helping anyone, actually!!! yall have triggered me more and made me more sick then the book did!!! because you’re actively claiming that ME as an individual or others like me enjoying or exploring a concept are just as bad as OUR real life fucking abusers!!!!

im on the verge of throwing the fuck up and crying right now. every time i open the fucking gravity falls tab i see silly posts of bill and his little stupid exes and its funny and here comes some asshole telling me im just as bad as the man who abused and assaulted me!

“this is so bad think about real victims!” i AM a real victim and ten minutes ago i was laughing or admiring silly memes or beautiful art exploring a fictional, IMPOSSIBLE relationship. but now i can feel my abusers hands on my skin!! Thanks a fucking lot, jackass!!!!!

bill cipher was a huge comfort when i was like ten or however old i was. gravity falls was an escape from my abuse. and now im being called just as bad as my abuser for enjoying and exploring the actions of the character i loved in my childhood. victims can never have anything because you people constantly want to remind us of our trauma or guilt us when we’re not your perfect little uwu ass victims!!!

and no!! two consenting grown ass men isnt pr//ship just because its toxic!!! this isnt p//do or inc//est and yall need to stop pretending it is!!! this is genuinely a harmful way to look at things for media as a whole!!!! fucking stop!!! please!!!!! stop comparing anything morally debatable to that shit!!!!!!!!

[yalocalfanficaddict]

The Master List of Master Lists

Hey there! So glad you decided to visit my blog! This pinned post will contain all the master lists of my projects I'm working on! Anything without an underline is a WIP/uncompleted project that's yet to be posted but hopefully I'll have more underlined projects as time progresses!

This is the link to the my fandoms I'm in and along with other details like whether requests are open or not! Now I'm more active in some fandoms than others but hopefully I'll be able to write whatever you wish (within reason) but I'll clearly state what you're allowed to request at the bottom of the post in case you're curious! ^^

MHA/BNHA

KiriBaku and/or BakuShima

The Wrong Bag

Don't Suffer Alone (TW: Sensitive topics)

Home For Christmas

A Warm Spring Day

Sick Of Your Face (Old)

ShinKami and/or KamiShin

I Fell For You

Other Master-lists

Masterpiece Master-list -- Ships so far are: Romantic!KRBK, (Queer)Platonic!KRBK, Platonic!BKDK,

Y/Ns Harem (Basically a bunch of CharacterxY/N and Y/N will be whatever YOU request, so yeah if you want the cringy 2016 orb Y/N or a normal human being Y/N, I gotchu)

(More ships yet to be added/requested)

SK8 The Infinity!

MatchaBlossom

Love Bites (Halloween)

(More ships yet to be added/requested)

Banana Fish

(More ships yet to be added/requested)

Death Note

(More ships yet to be added/requested)

Now I am a multi-shipper so I can probably do a lot of different ships but in case I'm not clear for what is and isn't allowed for what type of things I write, here are the guidelines below!

ALLOWED

Sickfics, gen fics, romantic fics, queer-platonic fics, NSFW references/hints, fluff, (heavy) angst, AUs, headcannons, Character x Y/N, prompts (but don't expect for all of them to be written -- I'm still in school and need to also balance a social life, haha!), polyamory, whump, DD;DNE. If you're curious about if [x] thing is allowed and it isn't on here, feel free to ask!

NOT ALLOWED

R@pe, incest (looking at you MHA fandom), su!c!d3, NFSW/smut, MinorxAdult (Again...mostly looking at you MHA), graphic DD;DNE, abusive relationships, omega-verse, m-preg. If you're curious about if [x] thing is not allowed and it isn't on here, feel free to ask!

[fandomwe1rd0]

Just to be clear this entire post is just me angrily ranting about how much I hate rickorty because I need to get this off of my chest because I see rickorty posts even though I have the tag blocked.

TW r*pe mention (Dw my normal posts aren't like this)

Excuse me gonna go on a rant. Rickorty is not only gross for the obvious reasons *cough* pedophilia, age gap, and literally shipping a boy with his abusive grandpa *Cough* but also it makes zero sense for the characters??? Rick is canonically uncomfortable with physical touch when it comes to Morty (Tensing up whenever Morty hugs him), so why would he do anything with Morty?? Not to mention that the dude is not that fucked up, he wouldn't do that to Morty, dude is canonically against child predators, he's shown to be against them multiple times throughout the show (Including outright killing Mr. Jellybean and trying to drown Joseph Campbell when he thought he did something to Morty) speaking of which, Morty has canon trauma due to Mr. Jellybean?? And Rickorty shippers will pretend like he doesn't?? That makes the ship extra gross for me :) Dude has legit trauma from attempted r*pe and you'll try to show Rick and Morty having a sweet cute relationship when Morty has trauma from attempted r*pe??? And that Rick killed the person who attempted to r*pe Morty?? Not only that, it is an unbelievably lazy way to analyze their dynamic, do people not understand that someone can be jealous, controlling, codependent and possessive of someone...and it doesn't have to be romantic? Yes Rick get jealous when it comes to Morty, yes he's controlling, yes he's codepedent, yes he's possessive, but it shows us that these aren't stricly romantic traits. They are toxic yes, but they are purely familial and platonic. Also just to end this post off with a quick counterargument that fucking drives me crazy

"Rick and Morty aren't even grandpa and grandson! Morty is Rick Prime's grandson!"

What?? You realize all Ricks have the same dna right? So while Morty isn't Rick's original Morty since Rick never had a Morty, they are still related genetically, as it shows in "Rick Potion #9" Rick is related to Morty genetically since he wasn't affected by the love potion, and even if he wasn't, that wouldn't matter considering all the other problems with the ship, but also they still see each other as grandpa and grandson. You guys really looked the other way when Morty said "You're my grandpa, Rick." in Solaricks and like all the times Rick refers to Morty as his grandson.

Anyway, done with my angry rant. Just needed to get this off my chest.

[deus-mendacium]

TW: mention of gr//ming, abuse, and s/a.

a masterpost of some, unfortunately not all, of the fucked up things intergen has done that directly involved us. these are screenshots from the more recent events, as we werent able to get all of them due to it being too deep into their activities.

note: our usernames and other identifiers were scratched out for our safety.

a bit of context before i get into it:

intergen ( .eternalcountdown on Quotev) is an 18 year old supposed DID system ( i will expand on why i phrase it that way at the end of this ) that abused and gr//med us and a close friend of ours, who we will simply refer to as "G" for their safety, for at least 1 1/2 years. both G and us were 14-15 at the time. they also had multiple romantic relationships between them and us (G and this system), despite them being legal. whether or not this counts as p/dophillia is blurry to me.

the last issue that we had before we were cut off/cut them off was that an alter in their system named Gold, 11, the gold medal proxy, was dangerously obsessed with G's Silver fictive, to the point where it began making the fictive uncomfortable and felt unsafe to front. This escalated more and more, and at one point, Gold outright sexually assaulted somebody with a serrated knife. Intergen continued to excuse this action, justifying it with how young he was and with the excuse that "he was raised badly" and that "nobody tried to help him", both of which are not enough to excuse r/pe.

ive collected an assortment of screenshots from this specific situation to demonstrate the gist of how bad they are, and unfortunately, thats not all that theyve done, however, as stated earlier, i cannot go too deep into their activities to find more things, but i will still explain them nonetheless.

lets start here, context for the next few screenshots is that Gold outright posted that if somebody didnt split a new Silver fictive, then he would kill someone. Note that this took place very shortly after G, and their Silver fictive, had just experienced sexual assault within their system. I will not be expanding on this, as it isnt my place to, i merely provide enough exposition to understand.

after this was posted, Bennett (who went by Gxld at the time), a fictive in our system (who was dating G's Silver fictive when this happened.), confronted him on how messed up saying that was, which caused Gold to attempt to guilt trip/play the victim, claiming he didn't want to be that way. In fact, Intergen originally justified Gold's actions under "an act of mania" as well.

context notes: Eurydice was Gold's caretaker in this system, though the role was very much forced upon her, and they expected her to solve all of his issues. Insomnisilver is also an alter in G's system.

Now, after this incident occurred, Intergen decided to let Gold latch onto their Silver fictive, who was also dating someone in our system, whos referred to as "🔶" (the emoji shows up as an empty box.)

"🔶" was not informed of this whatsoever, and while it may have been "needed" for Gold to not hurt anyone else, it was still insensitive and wrong to let a genuinely dangerous person who had previously committed unspeakable crimes cling to anyone who was previously in a relationship, even if not romantically. This is the conversation "🔶" had with them after spotting them on feed. Understandably, he was extremely upset, and left front.

This is where things get worse. A persecutor in our system, the ❔ proxy, confronted Gold, and Gold immediately lashed out and began to threaten them, accusing them of hating him, guilt tripping, and claiming insanity was the reason he did these things, including the s/a. This is the conversation they had.

(note for above image: intergen has, multiple times, suggested or implied that they wanted us to force a split in this system for various reasons, Gold saying to find another Silver is an example of this. he also claims insanity is the reason that he's llike this, when he was 100% in his right mind and aware that his actions were wrong.)

In regards to the "nsfw shit" ❔ talks about, there was a deleted comment before ❔'s that consisted of Gold telling ❔ "go fuck yourself with a cactus". Gold deleted it after it was called out as wrong.

these posts was made shortly after the conversation ended, and it was Gold claiming that everyone else was attacking him for how he is, claiming he couldn't control how he was and trying to play the victim when the fact id that he was a r/pist, there was no working around that, and everyine in intergen tried to justify it or blame others for it.

Now, a good handful of things happened between this and being cut off, but it mostly consisted of the same thing. Guilt tripping and claiming it was everyone elses fault. These next screenshots are from after we were cut off, and were found through a spare account they were still following us on.

1: Felix (the host) disregarding the abuse he caused and abuse victims, and claiming that he didn't care, and "only wanted to survive".

2: An alter in their system (no, not a sexual protector or anything like that.) posting explicit NSFW knowing that minors followed their account. (hidden via link for safety.)

3: Claiming that it was our fault and that nobody tried to help Gold after he committed s/a, which was a blatant lie; multiple attempts were made but fell flat, and there is only so much "help" that a r/pist deserves when the crime was voluntary, no matter how young he was.

"But wait, who are "Ellis" and "Bailey?"

Ellis/Joel (.YesIHaveThoughts on Q) is a 22 year old adult host of a system who was horrible to a little in G's system and outright chose to try and stay friends with us, G, *and* Intergen, even after knowing Intergen was a gr//mer and abuser, before cutting both of us off and staying with Intergen. They also willingly accepted Gold into their "found family", being aware that he was a r/pist, and agreed with Intergen claiming that Gold was mirroring behaviors he saw, and that we never attempted to help, and also tried to justify the fact that he sexually assulted someone.

Ellis would also continuously bash an alter in G's system ( who was a persecutor ) for doing their job and speaking out against Ellis' abuse. They (Ellis/Joel) would also act like a child whenever an issue arose, and tried to justify the fact that they stayed with an abusive groomer with the excuse that " they were too attached ". Ellis was *not* a victim in the situation whatsoever.

Bailey (Account not shown in screenshots) is another friend of Intergen, and the host of an OSDD system, who did the same: chose to stay with Intergen over us, despite knowing about what they did, even going as far as blocking our accounts when another persecutor in this system spoke up about their bad actions and mentioned that it was causing us to be suicidal, and attempt suicide.

" So...what does Ellis have to do with all this? "

1: Accepting a r/pist into their found family.

2: Agreeing with Intergen's claims that it was our and G's fault that Gold was spiteful and the way he was, claiming that he "got labeled as an issue". In other words, disregarding the fact that he r/ped somebody, and Intergen justifying the action as " self defense ", despite the fact that Gold was not in danger when said incident occurred.

" So, this is all Intergen's done? "

No. Not by far. Here are some incidents that I wasn't able to get screenshots for:

1: Felix severely injuring an alter in G's system while fighting. The alter was 10, Felix is 18. Others in Intergen's system were constantly egging him on as well.

2: Ruby, a fictive in Intergen, constantly was doublefaced and two-sided to Flores (a littlex in our system who was 8-11 at the time all of this was happening), doing things such as lashing out and threatening to leave her when she didn't want to sleep due to her being too anxious and needing to plan/work, yelling at her for being upset over him supposedly committing suicide and coming back, and trying to turn her against the little in G's system by playing favorites.

3. During a moment when I was venting about our bio father starting to abuse is in more ways than one, Felix said that he "thought you meant sexual abuse too, and was like "oh, so this guys doing that too". joking about s/a, knowing we have s/a trauma.

4' For a long period in our life, our abusive and s/xual offender uncle was living with us, staying in our room. One night when he was sleeping in our room, we expressed worry that something would happen to us, and Intergen posted openly that it was "hopeless" and that "it was going to happen anyway". They were well aware that we were in a bad situation and were openly choosing to be pessimistic where we could see. We don't even remember what happened that night, and due to that, I assume the worst.

5: around the time felix and i first met and became "siblings", i was struggling with s/h and suicide urges. whenever i vented about it or mentioned wanting to or about to harm myself or off myself, felix would threaten to do the same, or threaten me until i was too tired or too upset to harm myself, even though it only had a worse effect and hurt me more. every time i expressed the urge to harm myself, he would threaten to harm himself as well, or tell me to "share the blade".

and no, this is not everything. however, i will update it with more incidents when i have posted it, as my main goal now is simply to get it down.

"About earlier's strange wording about Intergen "supposedly" being a system..."

to put it simply, multiple things in that system happened that we blatantly impossible. alters forcefully "putting memories" into another alters heads so that it matched the source memories of someone outside of the system, nudging us and G to force splits just to please them, even going as far as claiming an alter could "take someone (outside of the system)'s consciousness and put it in a jar" and "demonstrating". it did nothing whatsoever, and since it was "demonstrated" during a time where an alter was being severely harmed, it was seriously fucked up. they go as far as turning everything into a roleplay between our alters and theirs, which made us extremely uncomfortable, as we were never roleplaying being a system, but they seemed to be content in roleplaying and acting as if our alters and theirs were merely characters. i am not outright saying they arent real, but their behavior was extremely suspicious, and these are not just speculations: they are solid evidence.

they also used "execution" as a guilt trip: whenever an alter in their system did something morally wrong or fucked up, they would be "executed", which was just them posting a bunch of shit about killing them and supposedly doing so, or the alter supposedly committed suicide, both of which just resulted in the alter coming back the next day or two after more guilt tripping, and doing more fucked up shit.

"Do they have any other contacts to block or report?"

Yes. On tumblr, Intergen's accounts are as followed: autobluephobia/originalred/mikiappreciation/theonethatwentunheard/christmasgrave/pokepastaparty/catalternate. their discord is gameboysys, just in case someone ends up adding them to a disc server w/o knowing.

Ellis's: yes-i-have-thoughts/upstairs-is-noisy

Bailey: Horror-Theorist/d3partment

" Harassment? "

I'm not going to tell you to harass them or not. Do they deserve it though? Wholeheartedly. All 3 of them were aware that their actions were wrong; so. i'm pretty sure their anons are off, though.

[fkevin073]

omg just saw u read sword of kaigen!!! must know ur thoughts <333 !

TW* references to marital r*pe. also SPOILERS!!

okay. here's the thing anon. I loved the writing, the world building. when I say I was devastated reading it, I was DEVASTATED. it's been a while since a book made me genuinely sob reading it, but this one did, and everyone who's read the book knows why.

that being said... one plot line in particular kind of made me raise a brow. That being the storyline between Misaki and Takeru. Like don't get me wrong, the writing itself was devastatingly good. truly superb. the confrontation scene? top notch. but I do think that a lot more time could have been spent towards building up their reconciliation and navigating that relationship and how they rebuild. while I think their confrontation was great and so so sad, I don't think enough was shown to give that development the full justice it deserved.

also, before this-

Takeru is a genuine, genuine asshole for a lot of their marriage. Like after he explains himself a bit more, and Misaki realizes she was also pushing him away a lot, we realize what's going on in his mind. But how the author phrases some parts of their relationship... like there's that one scene where Misaki describes how she shied away from him when having sex and how he 'pinned down' her wrists before finishing. Like?? not great vibes. I don't remember the exact quote, and it's highly possible that it was just a poor choice of wording on Wang's part, but I do think Takeru's behaviour dipped into the unforgivable vibes for a lot of their relationship.

I don't know. Like I get what Wang was going for. I really really do. And I think in some ways she succeeded. But yeah the implication that he maritally raped her kind of put a bad taste in my mouth? Idk if that was just me that interpreted it like that? Misaki never accuses him of that particular crime, and there's a LOT that she's angry with him for, so idk if I'm right to interpret it that way.

But yeah, I think more could have gone towards earning that 'happier' marriage ending. Like Misaki's journey as a mother, leader, warrior is top notch. I just don't think enough happened for me to buy that she fell in love with him after all that. Not that soon, anyway. I think more could have been taken from the beginning of the book and then more added to the end to develop their relationship a bit more.

I would still 100% recommend this book to anyone who asks, but yeah. that reconciliation could have been a bit more earned in my opinion. let me know what you think anon!!

[girlcalledwhatsername]

Yk I think a big issue with how people are using tiktokified and instgramesque censored language is that somewhere along the line people forgot that it was about necessity of the platform and not because the words are actually bad and immoral. And some of the people censoring them on Tumblr and ao3 and real actual books and text messages are doing so with the view of softening the blow of those words which they have come to see as words that will hurt by their mere presence, the way someone might, for example, censor a slur when referring to it in a discussion. It's become less "we cannot say this word because the post will be taken down" and more an unwillingness to say the words out loud and doing a "is he... you know...?" about it all, which is dragging us back years into ideas of polite language and censorship of ideas seen as impolite and impure (which of course include a bunch of queer identities and sex). The fear around those words has subconsciously trained too many people into actually seeing them as bad words that might hurt people by barely existing.

I saw another post making this point but when people censor warning tags and say, for eg, "tw r*pe" there's a coddling quality to it where they seem to think that seeing the word "rape" will be the issue for someone who is triggered by it, rather than the content actually being tagged for.

We need to take that power away from these words again or we're gonna reinvent some 19th century style rules of interacting in polite society and become stuffy repressed people who are easily spooked by someone saying "goddamnit"

[bearbluebooks]

Chapter 2: Nautical Errors

Captain Azriel and chief stew Gwyn are both employed at superyacht Velaris. Four years ago they shared one passionate night and one cold morning when Gwyn woke up to an empty bed and even emptier promises. Will the past catch up with them?

Read on AO3 or under the cut :)

This chapter has angst, banter, the Smut Sisters and a lot of NSFW. I said Porn without Plot so that's what you'll get!

TW: reference to sexual assault, mention of word r*pe

Azriel POV

Rain on the sea was a beautiful play of movement and melody. Each drop formed a different note in the ballad of waves. Together they formed a dance that spoke to Azriel's soul.

The monotone beats of the drip, drip, drip offered a calmness he rarely felt in the normal world. It was on a similarly dark and gloomy evening that an immense dog walked up to the docks. The obsidian animal was nearly invisible in the darkness of night.

He was about to walk away, back to the solitude of his boat when he noticed the dog that followed his every footstep, like a shadow that never left him.

He tried to bring her to a shelter, but she always found her way back to him.

He grew fond of the soothing presence and the comforting joy she brought to his life.

He didn’t think about the memory often, he loathed to think about where she would’ve been if they didn’t find each other on the dock that evening.

The sudden moisture on his face brought back the memory in a flash, when he woke up to the rare rain he loved so much, and the dog licking it off his face- whom he loved equally as much.

“Welcome back to the world of the living, captain.” A lilting voice said from behind him.

It was still dark out, the only sound was the rain that dropped silently on the teak flooring and the rustling waves of the sea.

The voice belonged to the copper-haired stew who was sitting on a deck chair that was conveniently covered by a beach umbrella.

Despite the colder temperature, she was wearing short white cotton shorts, a white camisole, and a knitted brown cardigan. She wore her hair up in a messy bun, with loose strands that framed her freckled face.

He jolted up with a force that almost knocked Shadow off his lap, “were you watching me sleep?” he suggested slightly shocked.

What was she doing here?

He glanced quickly at the night sky to calculate what time it was, and he could confidently say she should be in bed right now.

“I thought maybe there was some wisdom to you sleeping outside. I guess your talent is limited to being captain.” Her voice was strong, but there seemed to be some other emotion behind it.

His heart warmed at that aspiring insult. Why were even her insults laced with compliments? She should really work on that, and he would gladly help: “You think I’m a good captain?” he tried not to smirk but he couldn’t help it.

All embarrassment- or anger, went directly to her cheeks. “I didn’t say that.” She turned away from him to face the sea instead. “Stop putting words in my mouth”, she spit out.

He slightly moved Shadow off his body and walked towards a beach bed across from her.

“Why are you really here, Gwyneth?” he demanded with genuine concern. He knew the grueling schedule of chief stews. They worked backbreaking 16-hour days, filled with a difficult balance between acting, skill, guidance, and leadership. She was responsible for the performance of all stews, and the quality of the guest experience. It was a balancing act few stews achieved successfully in their careers, and that was with sleep. 

Even though he had moments of silence, she was not granted that privilege. He couldn’t fathom how she was doing it without.

She remained silent as he took the seat across from her. He knew they didn’t have that kind of relationship, but they agreed to be cordial. He was still her boss. Her well-being was the ship's well-being.

“I know I am a sight to behold, but even I can admit I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.” he said in an attempt to get her to explain what the hell she was doing here in the middle of the night.

She finally looked him in the eyes when she said “If you must know, I have really bad insomnia.” She sat back, easing her body into the chair, and the conversation.

“I’m lucky if I get three hours of sleep a night.” She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say more but she chose not to. Instead, she crossed her arms, slipping that guard back up.

“Me too.” He decided to answer.

He had struggled with restlessness ever since he was a little boy. His dad used to test him, to see how far he could push him before he would break. Food, sleep, and grades were all means of control. Methods to prove he was finally worthy. That he was worth love, worth it to be part of the family, worth it to exist.

He was the bastard child, his brothers often reminded him of the fact. His hands were a permanent reminder. To never forget he wasn’t good enough- not as a son, not as a brother, not as a male.

His hands were a gift from his brother, the insomnia a gift from his father.

Her small voice interrupted the flood of memories when she asked “what do you usually do-?”

“-to sleep.”

Over the years he had developed ways to tire his body and mind, “I work out. I watch the night sky.”

“…I read.”

Reading was one of the few ways through which his mind could shut off- reading and fucking. Although he was never shy of people to assist him in the latter, books came with fewer emotional attachments and complications.

She laughed with a smile that reached her eyes when she dared “You read?”

“I am more than just a pretty face, Gwyneth.”

“Fair enough.” She answered with a smirk of her own.

She contemplated her next question.

As if she didn’t know where to start until she decided on: “What do you read?”

“Let me guess…”

“International code of signals. Ships Routing. Maritime Rescue manuals.”

“No, no, wait, don’t tell me. Moby DICK!” She laughed so hard she almost fell out of her chair.

She was enjoying this too much. Two could play that game. “What do you like to read.”

There was that red flush to her skin again. This should be interesting.

Cassian had informed him of the kind of books Nesta, Emerie, and Gwyn liked to read in their book club, called ‘Smut Sisters’. Cassian stole one of their books once, just to see what all the fuss was about. 

He was no stranger to experimentation in (and out) of the bedroom, he participated in his fair share of practices that some would label as intense, or scandalous, but the little parts he read turned even his cheeks red.

He was curious to see if she would admit it, or if she had another answer ready.

“It’s nothing you’d know.” She said with a dismissive hand.

“Try me”, he coaxed with a smile he tried really hard not to have shown on his face. He didn’t want to push her too much.

She looked him up and down before she finally caved and admitted her interesting reading choice, “Selena Drake’s latest novel To Capture a Heart: Tales of the Sea. Nesta, Emerie, and I thought it would be ironic.”

“Uhuh.” He only said. Ironic his ass.

“And what’s it about, it sounds interesting.”

She crossed her arms again. He knew he shouldn’t be pushing so hard but it was so difficult not to. Like when someone told you not to press the red button, and your whole body urges you to do it.

“It’s about a pirate who rescues his long-lost love. They met when they were younger, she fell in love first, but he fell harder, and they were separated by circumstances but true love can never be kept apart.”

“And there’s lots and lots of sex in it.” she quickly added.

Something shifted in her demeanor when she said “I know you and Cassian stole one of our books last year.”

“You think you’re so mysterious and sleek, but you can’t fool me, Azriel.”

She quietly added, “Not anymore.”

“Good night, captain.” She hastily stood up from the deckchair and walked back towards the entrance to the interior.

The wind howled all around him. The sea rocked the ship to sleep. But he was wide awake. He knew why he was distant, but why was she? 

Something suddenly shifted in him. He was prepared to be cordial, to let the past be in the past, at least for this charter season. But that sentence with that emotion, ‘not anymore’, made him angry. She said it as if she was hurt.

He looked at the empty seat across from him, and then to the door she was disappearing behind.

He jumped up out of his deck chair as if the wind aided him as he yelled “wait!”

It was silent. And a thousand different scenarios filled his head. What if she ignored him and went back to her cabin? Or worse, what if she came back?

He first saw her copper hair and her teary teal eyes, before he heard the words “Are you ordering me as my captain, or are you asking me?

He stepped forward as he said, “Whichever one makes you stay.”

She seemed to contemplate the answer. Weighing out all options. She was a thinker, too, it seemed.

“What do you want Azriel?” She said as she leaned against the metal wall, close enough to the exit but right in his line of sight.

“What did you mean when you said ‘not anymore’?” He took another step forward. He tried not to let his anger show.

Anger was an emotion he grew up very familiar with. An emotion he vowed to never release, especially not towards women. He remembered how his mother would cower in front of his father. No hand needed to be raised, his voice was enough.

“You know what I meant.” She spat out. Crossing her arms. As if the posture could protect her from whatever emotion was unfolding inside of her.

“Why don’t you explain.” He was really trying not to raise his voice, or to ball his fingers into fists, or to move too close.

He steadied his breath and stayed on his spot. He needed to understand what she remembered, because he sure as hell knew what he remembered: the greatest and worst night of his life.

“You left.” She said as her eyes turned downcast and a tear ran down her cheek. She adjusted the sleeves over her hands, to give her the comfort she was longing for but he couldn’t give. Didn’t want to give.

He still didn’t understand the emotion behind her words. He was the one who deserved to be hurt, what reason could she possibly have?

Memories flashed back into his mind. Everything from that night played in his mind like a movie, scene after scene, picture after picture.

As if he was there again.

He could hear her tantalizing voice, feel the soft strands of her hair in his scarred hands, taste her…

She was right.

He did leave- his insomnia was playing up again, and she was soundly asleep. He didn’t want to bother her, so he left to go for a walk. He hoped the fresh air would help him fall asleep.

“I did leave.” He didn’t know what else to say.

What else to ask to understand.

Then she said the words and it all made sense, “You never came back.”

Shit shit shit.

The realization hit him like a truck.

“Gwyn.” He crossed the distance between them at a speed he was sure should be impossible.

He put his scarred hands on her cheeks when he said “I did.” He tried to coax her to look into his eyes too, so he could convey every emotion he knew words could never express- their shared hurt, their fucked up past. All the lost chances.

“I did come back.”

His voice choked up, as he repeated “I did.”

Gwyn’s eyes were still downcast, despite the sudden presence of his towering body in front of her. Despite the warm touch of his hands on her cold freckled skin.

She was cold.

He had his sweater lying somewhere under the deckchair. He quickly let go of her face as he went to pick up the black sweater. Even though leaving her side felt like leaving her all those years ago, he knew he couldn’t fix that, but he could fix this.

“You’re cold, put this on.”

“I’m not…”

“… you don’t have to.”

“Please, Gwyn.” His eyes swelled with tears too.

They were tears of frustration- he was so angry at that male who dared fuck up his future. All this time he was mad at the wrong person. He hated violence, but he was already planning on ways to make that male pay.

They were tears of sadness- all the stolen moments he could have shared with Gwyn in those years when they both lived in lies.

They were tears of fear- how would this new knowledge affect Gwyn? He couldn’t imagine the horror of losing your agency like that. How a male could invade one’s space and you were utterly unaware.

He stood in front of her again, shielding her from the wind, when she put on his sweater. The large piece of clothing did not fit her at all, and she had never looked greater. His cedar smell mixed with her vanilla scent was like a drug he thought he kicked long ago. He moved his body closer, to breathe in more of their mingling scent. Then he shook his head. He needed to do something else first.

Something she already started when she filled the empty space with more recollection and choked words “You weren’t there.”

“We shared that night. I thought we had something…” she quieted her next words, as if she was ashamed to utter them into reality “…special.”

He needed to tell her.

It would hurt. But she deserved the truth. All of it.

So he continued, “I came back to the room.”

“I couldn’t sleep again so I went for a walk.”

She remained silent. Her eyes were still downcast. Looking at his feet.

His eyes never left hers as he continued the story.

“When I came back…

…there was someone else in the bed.”

“He was lying half-naked beside you.” Saying the words hurt more than he could possibly imagine. How he had to be the one to tell her about the horrid actions of that man. The recollection brought back the hurt of betrayal he felt all those years ago, together with the new betrayal of lost possibility. If he’d known he would have dragged him out of that bed with more force than a category nine hurricane. He failed her. In more ways than one. He hoped she could forgive him.

She looked into his eyes and he saw utter shock quickly replaced by fear, and then the sinking realization of everything that new piece of information entailed.

That male took advantage of her, and she didn’t know.

The question of whether he took more than her personal space lingered in the air.

“I didn’t know there was someone else in the room that night…”

“I thought…”

“…I thought it was you lying beside me.”

“And that you left after-

-after we shared that night.”

“That you just left me alone.” Tears fell down her cheeks like a waterfall in constant motion. Her body shook with the force of emotions that could no longer be contained.

She remained silent for a little bit.

The wind rustled her hair.

He didn’t know if he was allowed to touch her. His whole body screamed to. But he would wait. He would do and be whatever she needed.

She choked out the words “Someone was in my room?”

“Did he-?”

He didn’t know. Gods he didn’t know.

But he did know that he would kill him. For what he did to Gwyn. The way he took advantage of her. He didn’t even know in which way. He couldn’t shake the image of her lying peacefully in the hotel bed, with that naked asshole beside her.

How she didn’t suspect a thing, in all the four years since then, until he had to shatter that illusion. His hands turned into fists. He felt his heart beat faster, and his vision turned red when he had to utter the words “I don’t know Gwyn.”

Gwyn’s posture seemed to be the opposite. She became utterly cold and unnaturally still, as if she slipped on another Gwyn when she asked “Who was it?”

The name tasted like poison on his lips “Lucky.”

Some sliver of emotion still flashed through her eyes, it was so quick he was sure an untrained eye would have missed it. Azriel needed to be closer, to protect her from the world, the wind, the memories, her thoughts. He moved his body as close as physics allowed when he pleaded “Gwyn what can I do?”

He felt so incredibly powerless. He moved his scarred hand to move her stray hair behind her ear.

She remained silent. It was worse than any words she could have uttered.

“Please tell me what to do” he begged as he moved both hands to cup her face.

He would break all his fingers, knuckle by knuckle. He would kick his dick so severely that his grandsons would still feel it. He would blacklist him in the industry so hard that nobody would touch him with a ten feet pole. He would do everything, everything to make her feel even a little bit better.

“I will make him pay. I promise you that.”

Gwyn POV

Lucky was the nickname of one of the crew members on the first ship Azriel, Nesta, and she worked on. He was the lighthearted lanky eighteen-year-old who was just set free in the world. She knew he had a crush on her- the way his attention seemed to always shift towards her, his strange jokes, his sometimes aggressive come-ons. But her attention was elsewhere, on a handsome lead deckhand.

She thought he was harmless.

Lucky. The name echoed in the deep abyss that was created by Azriels words.

Her head was spinning from the new information- it contained lighter truths, that Azriel did come back, and heavier implications, that Lucky was the reason for Azriel leaving. Both were equally devastating in impact. Both influenced her life in irreversible ways- what could have been? And what did take place?

Gwyn forced her brain to stay rational. She knew how easy it was to spiral. She needed to remain level-headed. Lucky came into her cabin and she didn’t know what happened in those missing hours between Azriel leaving and him coming in.

Did his hand rove over her body when she thought it was Azriels? Did he kiss her neck when she thought the lips belonged to another? The last thought made her breath catch in her throat, she felt her hands turn sweaty, and there was a ringing in her ears- did he… did he rape her?

Her body suddenly felt disgusting. As if she couldn’t trust it anymore. As if it had been violated in ways she wouldn’t even know.

She held her breath. As if a new breath would bring about a new reality. As long as she didn’t breathe, it didn’t really happen.

Gwyn rubbed her hands up and down her arms to force herself to stay present. To not retreat into her head immediately. That’s where her thoughts resided- and her worst fears. The fears that had apparently already happened.

She still remembered the first time a friend told her about child kidnappers. She was eight years old, Nellie and her were walking to ballet together when she dropped the topic conversationally, not knowing it would scar Gwyn for the rest of her life.

It opened a host of other possibilities she had never considered- other people as threats. The possibility of someone taking away your agency. Of bad people.

Ever since then, she had created a new constant awareness of her surroundings. All people, especially males, became potential threats. As long as she had that awareness, she couldn’t be surprised, she couldn’t be hurt.

But that was a lie. Because nothing could protect her. Something did happen. And she didn’t even know what.

She wrapped her arms around her body in a desperate attempt to give herself comfort.

She felt herself retreating. She felt herself becoming more cold, distant, out of her body.

Her senses fades with the wind. All she could see were memories, and everything else faded to black.

Memories flashed in and out of her mind. She tried desperately to piece the story of that night in her mind. But alcohol, love, and heartbreak made everything fuzzy. She thought she knew exactly what happened, but it was all a lie.

A lie she let herself believe for four years. That she hated Azriel, when she woke up to an empty bed, and she turned all the love she felt, into hate. It was the only way she could survive the complete and utter heartbreak the empty bed caused in her.

“Gwyn. Come back to me.” The pleading voice urged from somewhere close.

She suddenly felt a scarred hand on her cheek.

She leaned into the familiar touch and suddenly realized.

She would have known- if it wasn’t Azriel.

If non-scarred hands touched her skin. If it weren’t his luscious and dry lips that kissed her. If it wasn’t his cedar smell and something distinctly Azriel- like his sweater- that left its mark on her.

Her body would know. She would know.

A tear ran down her face, and she didn’t know if it was out of relief, or sad realization. Maybe both. It didn’t matter she decided when she pleaded “Hold me” and strong arms immediately answered her request.

She leaned into his embrace.

Everything else could wait. She would figure it out. They would figure it out. She didn’t need to have all the information. All the answers. No matter how desperately she craved them.

For now, all that mattered was that she came back. She was still here. They were still here.

He came back.

“I’m here” a louder, baritone voice reassured her. “I’m here Gwyn.”

“I’ll never leave again, not as long as the moon hangs in the sky, and long after that.”

“I’m so sorry” he whispered into her ear.

The relief of his words made her heart sink. As if oxygen returned to her lungs. Sight came back, and she saw him standing in front of her now, with his bare muscular chest and black sweatpants.

Shadow stood behind him with a worried look in her obsidian eyes.

The sound of the lapping waves mixed with the silence in the air.

Moonlight hung high in the sky, illuminating the sleeping world and all new possibilities.

He didn’t leave.

She knew the sudden realization didn’t mean immediate change. She had hated him for so long, it would take time to build something new. But for the first time in four years, she felt space in her heart to try.

She put her hand on his cheek and rubbed the soft skin underneath, when she said, “You’re cold. Let’s get inside.” Her voice was stronger, but still carried a hint of vulnerability and tiredness.

She took his hand in hers and started walking towards his cabin when she said “We can talk about everything tomorrow. For tonight, just hold me.”

“ Okay?” Her eyes still held vulnerability. But also hope.

He squeezed her hand “Okay.”

Bathing was a way for her to cleanse. Whenever her head became too full and her body too tired, she would go to the bath and leave all her troubles in the water, where they would be flushed down the drain.

The sea was one giant bath, but the ship only had showers. That’s where her mind went as she took his much larger scarred hand in hers, and led them both to the shower in his bathroom.

The lavish space was bigger than the one she and Nesta shared, perks of being the captain, she guessed- bigger responsibilities, bigger bathroom.

Most of the furniture inside was made of dark teak. The cabinets, the walls, and the mirrors. Even though he didn’t have a bath, the shower was big enough to fit even his immense body. White tiles lined the inside, and golden metal the outside, even the doorknob was gilded.

To add to the extravagance, water flowed from one of those rain shower heads. It allowed for enough water distribution for both of them- how fortunate. They could definitely not do whatever they were about to do in her cramped shower.

Before she entered the shower, she quickly assessed his products. You could tell so much about a male by how he took care of himself. Just as she suspected, 3-1 organic cedar, efficient though refined.

There was also some shaving gel on the sink, which was strange because he had a permanent stubble. Something she was very very attracted to.

The cedar smell filled the space, it was almost like her nose was directly planted in his neck.

A hand squeezed her back to reality. Thoughts quickly returned to the male standing in front of her, whom she hungrily started undressing.

With two hands she pulled down his black sweatpants to reveal black boxers and black socks. Did this man own any other color?

She took in the magnificent sight and noticed some new tattoos running down his arms. With a finger she traced the obsidian swirls, she felt a trail of goosebumps erupt under her touch.

Two hands reached for her sweater and softly pulled it over her head. The next discarded items were her brown cardigan and her white camisole top. She pulled down her white shorts and stepped out of them when they fell on the ground.

With all their clothes discarded, both Azriel and Gwyn stood opposite each other in nothing more than their underwear.

His eyes roved over her body, and she was happy she wore her nice lace bra, even though her briefs were mismatched. She felt vulnerable but protected in the safety of his affection.

Both stared at each other’s lips, not moving as they reveled in the space of pure anticipation.

“Are you sure?” he finally implored with those same burning eyes solely focused on hers.

To which she answered confidently “Just kiss me, Azriel.”

He closed the distance in seconds when his fingers softly caressed her back before they masterfully unlatched her bra.

She didn’t want to think about how much practice he must have had to be able to do it so swiftly.

Enough partners warmed her bed in those four years that she couldn’t really blame him, but she still didn’t like the thought.

The coldness of the night announced itself on her already hardening nipples. He seemed mesmerized by the sight, as his entire being stilled.

A rough, low voice spoke into the silence, “Stars are less illuminating than you, Gwyn.” His eyes seemed to contain even more affection, and the intenseness of his gaze and words heated her entire body.

“Didn’t take you for a romantic” she laughed into his hair.

One of his scarred hands rubbed hard circles on her right nipple, as if in retaliation to her teasing words. The pleasantly harsh movement send electricity through her entire body.

To ease the pain, and to increase her torture of pleasure, he licked the affected area with his flat tongue, and sucked softly on the nipple before his deep voice taunted “There’s so much you still don’t know about me.”

Equal attention was quickly given to her left nipple on which he placed a soft, small kiss, and lavishly sucked on too.

The tantalizing sensation went straight to her core. She needed more, more, more.

Her arms gripped his shoulders for extra support. All of the sensations made her feel like liquid. It didn’t matter because he held her, all of her in his strong embrace.

He made it effortless for her to ease into every sensation, she trusted he would be there if she fell. “I can’t wait to find out, captain.”

When he swept his tongue over her lips, she closed her eyes on instinct. He softly bit her upper lip, which made her smile against his touch. “Say that again” he ordered.

With her most sensual tone, she moaned captain.

All restraint left his body at the mention of the word from her lips. With a delicate yet powerful motion he pushed her against the shower wall and deepened the kiss so thoroughly that the passion overwhelmed her.

His other hand roved to her backside which he pulled flush to his body when he nudged her legs to hook onto his hips.

She took the chance and jumped into his strong embrace.

Strong hands cupped her ass and massaged them. It felt loving and desperate as if he wanted to feel she was real in his arms.

The movement roughly pushed her hips into his groin. Her eyes became big in equal anticipation and fear, as she suddenly remembered the huge size of his cock- which seemed to be increasing by the second. 

Deciding not to be scared, she tightened her legs around his hips and pressed her core into his growing bulge. In a rhythmic motion, she arched her back and pressed into him. Chasing the friction her core was screaming desperately for.

She found refuge in the crook of his neck. The cedar smell, the friction, his cock pressing into her, the sensation of him touching her, kissing her, was so much too much, she almost climaxed then and there when a soft chuckle escaped his mouth and ordered “Not yet.”

With a loud sigh, she decided to break the kiss for just a few seconds to pull her hair out of the messy bun.

Her long copper-brown hair fell in waves down her hips. She knew she would look disheveled with strange waves in the wrong places, but she didn’t care. She loved it when he played with her hair and she hoped he remembered it from that night.

“Fucking gorgeous.” He murmured into her hair.

Rough lips immediately found hers again and he seemed to be able to read her mind when he put one hand in her hair and caressed it with that perfect mix of roughness and gentleness.

It was a hard balance to find, even harder to maintain in the throws of passion, but when you found it, there was nothing better on earth.

A soft moan escaped her throat at the sudden sensation.

 “I love the effect I have on you” his heady voice boasted.

The hold he had over her was alarming, but he didn’t need to know that, “let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Urged in what she hoped was a stern voice. He only smiled in response as he slowly carried her into the shower. To protect her from the still-warming water, he was the one who turned his back towards the showerhead.

What a gentleman.

“I can handle some freezing water.” She said defiantly against his lips. To which he laughed, “That doesn’t mean you need to.”

“Let me, love.”

He licked her lips, begging for access again.

She wondered if she should refuse, to tease him a little bit more. But she craved his tongue with every fiber of her being.

And what point was there in punishing them both?

Slowly she opened her mouth, an opportunity he greedily took as he moved his tongue to the tip of hers and retracted it just as easily. Gwyn closed her eyes in anticipation but quickly opened them to look for the retracted source of pleasure.

A noise she had never made escaped her mouth when she said “What are you doing?”

“So greedy.” He smirked. “Maybe you should rethink the effect I’m not having on you.”

With raised brows, she retorted, “Maybe it’s me who has the power over you?”

He was about to speak “I never denied-“

When she moved her lips to his with the speed of light and the need of passion.

She would show him who had the power here. She didn’t need him to take charge, she was more than capable of doing it herself.

As a small punishment, she bit his lower lip before she swept her tongue over it to alleviate some of the pain. No need to be cruel about it.

All of a sudden her core felt wet with pleasure, but also with water that continued to soak her underwear.

They were both still wearing their final pieces of clothing which they hadn’t thought about removing.

Without uttering a single word, she made quick work of pulling down his boxers, and his gargantuan cock sprang free from the sudden removal of the last barrier.

Words seemed to escape her at the sight of the gigantic length. Not to mention his enormous girth. How in the hell did that thing ever fit inside her?

“Enjoy what you see?” he smirked against the crook of her neck which he peppered with small kisses. A line up the distance of the soft skin was softly traced with his tongue.

Even the pleasant swipe of his tongue couldn’t ease her worries when she stammered “Azriel, it’s huge.” She knew a lot of women liked that sort of thing, but she loved her vagina intact even more.

He smiled and said, “Don’t worry, it’ll fit.”

As if he sensed the worry behind her words, he moved his head back a little, to make eye contact when he said his next words “I’ll make sure.”

“We’re not going to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

“If it hurts, we'll stop immediately.” One hand moved to cup the right side of her face, the movement forced her to keep eye contact, “I promise.”

The words held power, but his eyes reassured her even more, so she smiled and said “I trust you.”

They were words she rarely felt and said even less frequently out loud.

She had never meant them more.

A devastating smile appeared on his face, which he moved to her neck again as he slowly kissed a trail down to her collarbone.

Fingers replaced his tongue when he planted feather-light touches on the length of her chest.  Her back arched into the shower wall at the sensation.

She whimpered his name into the small space which seemed to only encourage him more.

His mouth found her nipples again, blowing over the sensitive nub before taking it into his mouth. The act send heat running down her spine directly into her core.

His tongue swirled around the hardened nub before he gently scraped his teeth against it. The harsh sensation made her gasp, and clutch her left leg around his hip to steady herself.

The shower was not small, but his enormous build barely fit in the shower, a fact that was confirmed by the way he needed to crouch to access her belly button.

Her hands gripped his hair in a desperate attempt to feel him. She was so distracted by the movement of his mouth, that she didn’t register when he skillfully freed her of her wet briefs.

One hand found the center of her heat, as he rubbed one thick, rough finger into her already soaking fold. Pure hunger framed his eyes.

He gathered some of the moisture already building up and moved the finger into his mouth. His eyes never left hers. The movement made her feel aroused in a way she had never been before. It was such a carnal act, that no man had ever done with her before, she couldn’t help but lick her lips at the sight as he lavishly sucked her wetness from his finger.

“Fucking hell Gwyn,” he groaned, “you taste delicious.”

Sure. “I bet you say that to all the chief stews you fuck in this cabin.” The words were meant playfully, but she couldn’t deny there was some insecurity laced in them as well.

Azriel removed the finger from his mouth when he stepped closer into her orbit. “Is that what you think?” he said in a vulnerable voice.

His eyes looked more distant than ravenous.

This was serious then.

It was bound to come up sooner or later. Better get it over with, that’s why she stated in an accusatory tone “I have heard the stories.”

Despite the ire, the words were said from a place of equal vulnerability. She didn’t know if she was ready for the possibility that she misinterpreted everything. That her feelings were bigger than what this was. Better to know the truth.

Nesta would often relay the information from Cassian. The stories of the nights out where all people would gravitate toward the hot captain. Not to mention all the males, and females he would fuck on the regular.

When she initially heard the stories, she was more annoyed than hurt, but with all the new information, she couldn’t shake the feeling of jealousy. All the people he had been with when he could have been with her.

What if she was just another tick on his bedpost?

She didn’t know if she could handle that. The thought alone made her back away from his grasp.

“Listen to me, Gwyn.” His eyes looked desperate, not for a taste of her, but for her to understand him.

“Yes, I have fucked a lot of people when I thought we had no chance. I was devastated, and I thought if I could distract myself with other bodies…”

He stilled for a moment, when he almost whispered “I know what we had was short, but nobody has come close to what I feel for you. Nobody.”

His face was now inches away from hers. “And when I say you taste delicious, I mean that I have never tasted anything as heavenly as you.”

His ear moved to hers, “I finally feel like I can breathe again. I have you in my arms, and yet I can’t seem to get enough” The next words came out in such quick succession it sounded like a song, “your skin, your taste, your beauty, your scent.” His nose moved to her neck to underline his point.

Her heart increased to a size she held impossible before that moment. He felt the same way. He felt the same way. A weight she hadn’t realized she was carrying seemed to lift at the mention of those words. At the emotion behind those words.

It was permission for her heart, mind, and soul to tell him exactly how she felt too.

One delicate hand moved towards his face, “there has never been anyone else for me either.”

She stood on her toes to place a soft kiss on his lips.

Then she let her hands do what they wanted to do from the very beginning, to touch him.

Both hands started on his broad shoulders which carried the weight of the world. Then she slowly moved down towards his muscled chest where she traced the swirls of his tattoos. Delicate fingers softly traced the path down, down, down, until she reached the trail of black hairs that lead to her destination. He slightly shivered under her touch.

Although he towered over her, she still needed to be on her knees for this.

The water splashed all around her at the change in position, but his body shielded her from most of it.

Her copper-brown hair fell all around her body as she slowly moved down his abdomen, placing kisses on the soft skin.

She made sure to alternate between gentle kisses and harder nibbles.

He didn’t expect the initiative and groaned her name loudly when she placed a firm hand on his cock.

“Don’t suffocate me!” she said jokingly as she swirled her tongue around the tip of his cock.

He stumbled over the words as he said “You…don’t have… to.”

She moved her head back a little so she could truthfully respond “You have no idea how much I want to.”

She placed soft kisses up and down his long, thick cock to further emphasize her point.

Her eyes never left his, and she hoped he could see the hunger to taste him, to feel him, to have him reflected in her eyes.

After one last languish stroke of her tongue along the underside of his cock, she took enough of the precum at the tip to start moving his cock in and out of her mouth.

She felt his restraint as if he didn’t want to force himself into her. She moaned onto his cock to let him feel the pleasure the act gave her too.

His size made it difficult to fit it entirely in her mouth, but she vowed to at least try. She relaxed her gag reflex and pushed as much of his enormous member inside her mouth as she could before backing up and letting her hand take over where her mouth couldn’t reach.

In between strokes, she looked at his reactions to study what he liked and what he didn’t like. She took note of all his moans, his grunts, and the bucks of his hips. Gwyn was nothing if not a good student, and right now, he was her subject, and his pleasure her ambition.

She especially loved it when he tried to hold back, that wouldn’t do.

One of her smutty books taught her to hollow her mouth to create extra suction, and he seemed to love that.

Noted.

She made sure to make her moan loud enough that he would feel the vibrations around his cock.

It seemed to work because he thrust into her mouth with a rhythm he seemed to prefer.

Noted.

He threw his head back as a growl escaped his lips “Gwyn, just like that”

“Keep going” he murmured with great difficulty between thrusts.

The whole act made her so aroused, that she moved her free hand to touch herself. To ease some of the intense pleasure that was building up in her too. She rubbed her clit in the same rhythm as his cock and increased slightly with every new sound that came out of his mouth.

“You’re doing so well, love.”

She felt him come undone, so she removed her mouth slightly, to swirl her tongue over the tip of his cock, before she took his length as far back as she could in one swift movement.

He groaned again “Gwyn. I’m going to come.” He tried to remove his cock from her mouth, so he wouldn’t spill his pleasure into her mouth. But she refused to let him, instead, she increased the speed with which she took his cock in her mouth, and used a little bit of her teeth.

If she remembered correctly, he liked a little bit of pain with pleasure, too.

She felt his body tense and his hips buck before she felt him come undone with her name on his lips. She hungrily swallowed everything he gave her, and as soon as he gathered himself back to reality, he wiped the rest away from her mouth. “Fuck Gwyn. That was the best head I have ever had in my life.”

The sight of him coming undone, by her touch, did something primal to her. She increased the speed with which she rubbed her clit, before strong hands stopped her chase of pleasure.

He put both hands under her shoulders and brought her up so she was standing with her back against the warm water.

“My turn,” he said with a smirk.

It was him kneeling before her now, and the sight turned her on more than a single touch ever could.

He softly blew warm breath onto her heat, before he moved a thick finger inside her, she couldn’t help but clench around the sudden intrusion. With his other finger, he slowly rubbed her clit in a familiar rhythm, and the movement eased her body in such a way she relaxed around his finger.

She was so close already, every touch felt like excruciating pleasure.

The movement made her back arche into the water.

The finger inside her curled into her body as if it was searching for something. It moved in and out, in and out. Her hips moved in time with his, guiding him to the speed she needed him to go. Her head fell back in pure pleasure when the sensation was so great she couldn’t even look at him. She would have come undone at the sight alone.

Where did he learn to do this? She moaned into the open space “You’re so good at that.”

Suddenly she felt his tongue run up one of her folds. The hand that was rubbing her clit moved to caress her stomach, causing electricity to run up every area of his touch.

His tongue quickly found the abandoned clit when he sucked on the nub of pleasure in a way as if it was the best thing he ever tasted.

It was all too much, the finger inside her, the mouth on her clit, the soft touches on her stomach, she was about to unfurl when he stopped everything and said “Come for me.”

His tongue resumed the nibbles at her clit. The caressing touch wandered to her behind, where he traced soft circles on her skin.

The thick finger inside of her seemed to have found what he was looking for, as he bent it in a sort of hooking motion, touching a spot that sent fireworks throughout her entire body. Every nerve ending screamed from pure ecstasy. The sound traveled into reality with the loudest moan she ever made in her life, as she clamped her hips together and nearly suffocated his head between her legs.

He guided her through the wave of pleasure by slowly and lavishly licking away all moisture from her pulsating heat.

When her breath returned and her heartbeat found a steadier rhythm, she regained the common sense to release him from her grasp.

The giant body slowly rose from his crouching position. Moving his head closer to hers, when he-again- sucked all his hard work from his finger, never losing eye contact.

She needed to feel him. To kiss him. Her body moved out of pure need to find his lips again.

When it finally did, she could taste herself on his tongue, and she wondered if it was turning him on just as much.

All passion was felt in that one kiss. Their tongues collided in one desperate attempt to get closer. She jumped in his arms again and after he turned the shower off, he needed a couple of tries but eventually, the water stopped.

With her in his arms, he hooked one arm under her behind, and one around her back to carry them out of the shower and into his bedroom.

Shadow had the peculiar sense to go to the bridge, so the bedroom was all theirs.

She quickly looked around to get more familiar with the space.

More teak-lined the walls, his bookshelves, the desk, and the king-size bed. She tried not to think about the fact that she and Nesta had to share bunk beds, and the king of the yacht had this enormous private quarter.

The black bedsheets made an odd sight on the otherwise classy interior. Just like the amount of books scattered around the place. How did he even get them here?

The most heartwarming thing was the giant dog bed right next to his bed.

That was all the time she got for her sneaky explorations, as he softly deposited her onto the bed. He quickly walked away to retrieve two big towels and one washcloth. “We never got the chance to actually get clean” he chuckled.

His attentiveness made her choke up a little bit.

The lukewarm washcloth was held in front of her with the question of consent in his eyes. The act was strangely intimate but somehow it also felt incredibly right.

She nodded her head in silent permission and he swiftly moved the washcloth to her heat, wiping away all other moistures. A soft kiss was placed on her cheek before he left again to put the washcloth away.

When he came back, she stood up and used one of the towels to slowly dry his gigantic body. She started with his feet, then she moved up his legs to his cock- which was still big, but much less intimidating.

Standing on her toes, she moved to his chest, where she placed soft kisses on his tattoos, and his hair, which she playfully scrunched up, which made his too-neat appearance a little bit more chaotic.

She loved seeing this side of him and to her surprise, he let her.

Without saying any words, he grabbed the other towel and repeated the process on her.

He stopped at her breasts, where he placed two small kisses on each.

Her hair was a different ballgame so he let her do it herself.

As if he couldn’t help himself, when she was turned around to brush her hair, he placed soft kisses on her back.

She closed her eyes and forced her mind to remember this moment for the rest of her life. She felt truly and incandescently happy. As if the world was finally right again.

He gave her one of his black t-shirts to wear, while he put on one of his black sweatpants. The shirt was so big she practically drowned in it. But that didn’t matter because it meant she was engulfed in his scent too.

Heavy footsteps slowly retreated to the bed, and she heard a heavy weight collapse onto it. One side of the blanket was already opened as she walked back, an extra invite was extended by that low baritone voice she loved when he softly said, “Come to bed, love.”

“Okay, captain.” She smiled brighter than she had in years.

“How was that for you?” He asked with an interesting mix of shyness and arrogance.

She loved to test boundaries, so she said with shrugged shoulders “It was alright.”

Silence rang in the air before he said “Oh come on, Gwyn. Don’t pretend that wasn’t the best  oral you’ve had in your life.”

“It certainly was for me.” Why did he need to be so confident, it ruined the game.

He moved closer to her side of the bed and tickled her body, forcing her to admit it. She wouldn’t give up that easily so she remained passive, but his tickling continued.

“No, no, STOP, Azriel stop” she laughed into his ear as her body squirmed out of his strong hands.

“NOOOO” she yelled so loud she was sure she woke up the entire boat.

His hands kept finding new ticklish places, treacherous body, she thought when she held up her hands as a pretend white flag, “Okay, okay okay.”

He stopped his roving hands, to listen intently to her next words.

With one arm arrogantly positioned under his head, he looked into her eyes with the biggest smirk she had ever seen in her life, when she confessed “I’ve never come so hard in my life, okay.”

She pulled her legs up to her chin, and her black t-shirt became a tent over her legs when he softly placed a hand on her cheek and admitted “Me too.”

“Now was that so hard to admit?”

YES

“Yes. Now let’s go to sleep, arrogant, arrogant man."

Tiredness hit her in full force. She took the empty space and rested her body next to his.

The intimacy was suddenly palpable. Even though she just had his cock in her mouth, she felt self-aware of what to do with her body- should they cuddle, or just say good night? Should she give him a handshake? Were they allowed to spoon- who would even be the little spoon and who would be the big one?

She could feel her heart speed up, and her mind take on all different scenarios. Thoughts took over her entire sight.

Her anxiety was quickly relieved by his mind-reading words “Come here.”

When she eased up a little bit he pulled her flush into his body and sighed into her hair. His head found a resting place in her neck.

He was the big spoon, and she was the little spoon.

She had never felt safer.

They belonged together like two puzzle pieces that had always been part of the same set but never seemed to fit, until now.

Dreams found her in an instant, with her body next to his.

And this time, neither of them walked away.

[youdontknowhowtodiequietly]

This is mad long, bare with, or don't lmao

TW's for: References to depression, r*pe, a*use towards women, and a bunch of other women rights related issues. I don't go in depth, but they are very much there. Be careful. Look after your mental health, please. Also a smidgen of spoilers for the Barbie movie at the end.

So, this whole tangent began with the Barbie movie. I've wrote all my thoughts down in a notebook, that's how I know what I'm going to type - vaguely. This will seem insane to have come from the Barbie movie, but I think it will hopefully be coherent. (Not like anyone will read this, lol. I am NOT anywhere near popular enough for this to even get a comment but here we go)

Right. A bit of context to my life. Since I was about 14, I have always felt that I am some sort of trans. For a while I thought I was non-binary, then I thought I was gender-fluid, then (a recent development) I thought I was a guy. So, you can imagine the absolute loop I have been thrown through when I realised that what I might have been feeling is internalised, borderline, misogyny.

Wild right? Let me explain.

Since I was 11, I have repeatedly heard the horrors of being female in this world. The rape/murders that happen on a daily basis. The horrors towards women in the past. The continued disregard for female autonomy. The abuse faced at the hands of people who are supposed to protect us. It's all horrific. Not only this, but I have seen, heard, learnt, about the way society completely destroys women. The lack of acknowledgement for the pain of females', the constant dismissal of mental illnesses, physical illnesses and disabilities (this also happens with males, too, I am aware, especially in the mental health department, but this section of this post is about people with the female anatomy.) The blatant disregard towards women who report abusive partners or stalkers is disgusting. (And that is just in 1st World countries where human rights are supposed to be the best. The horrors that happen in other countries are worse, but I am writing about what I know. I cannot say anything about other countries other than I know that there are some truly atrocious things happening to women in a lot of them because I am not educated on those situations. But believe me, I see it.) I see people AFAB lament the horrors of having the female anatomy. The wish to not have periods, or a uterus at all. The constant pressure put on women to look a certain way all the time. To not be too thin or too fat, not have too much hair but have enough that it doesn't look like you're trying too hard, etc. Honestly, the Gloria speech in Barbie is the best one I have ever heard about what it's like to be a woman. I see people expressing disgust at pregnancies, how they never wish to have one because it'll make them look ugly, or because of the complications that come with it. I have seen it, and do see it, all. For the past 7 years I have seen it all.

Can you imagine how much that has f-ed me up? I'm sure you can, because I'm sure it's also true for a lot of you.

All of this has made me hate the idea of being a woman.

When I was in my early years of high school (I'm in the UK and we start high school at 11 and finish at 16) I always said how I would "love to be a boy" because I always saw it as easier. I hated being a girl because everything was so shit. And that carried on into my later years of high school.

As I was introduced to the wonderful different gender identities that exist, I began reading and hearing stories of how trans/non-binary/gender-fluid, etc, people felt before they realised they were what they are. And I thought, "oh, damn. That me." So I began experimenting with labels. But even whilst I did that, whilst I played around with pronouns, names, hairstyles, clothing, I always felt this deep want to wear pretty dresses and have long hair. But I rejected those wants because I was "trans/non-binary/gender-fluid now and if I want those things then I can't be any of those." Which, yes, I know, is very binary of me. I understand that anyone can wear pretty dresses and skirts and have ling, flowy hair that they place sparkly pins in. I know. But you have to understand how damn difficult it is to ignore the stuff you have been taught all your life. I wanted to be called she/her but at the same time rejected those feelings because the thought of being a woman made me sick.

But then I watched the Barbie movie.

Now, I don't remember my childhood much. I don't know if it was what you would call "traditional girlhood." But I know it was good. And I know many AFAB have experienced horrendous childhoods, which hurts me to think about every time. But when I saw the ending of the Barbie movie. When the videos of those girls and women were playing. I felt something in me. I'm sure you've all heard different renditions of how the montage made women feel, and a lot of them is how I would describe how I felt. So, I won't get into it. But just know I felt a shift in me.

As well as that montage, other things in the movie got to me. The inherent femininity of it, for one. I know from discussions with other people, and from seeing many videos/blogs online, that what I'm going to mention is a common experience for a lot of AFAB. I hated the colour pink. Despised it. I only very very recently, before the Barbie movie, began admitting that the colour wasn't so bad. But the Barbie movie made me think that, omg, I might actually love the colour. Alongside the colour pink, I loved the outfits of the Barbies'. They were so freeing to see. As I wrote previously, I wanted to wear pretty skirts and dresses and have pretty hairstyles, but always refused to acknowledge that. Seeing the Barbies' in their overtly feminine clothing (again, I know I'm leaning into gender binary but please give me some slack. It's hard to write when you're not a novelist) made me feel giddy. I saw them and was like "pretty pretty pretty" and not just because all the women were beautiful lmao. It lit up a spark of joy in me seeing them dress in those clothes. That's how I can best describe my feelings. I just suddenly felt that I could wear those things. Weird, huh?

Another thing in the movie is the portrayal of happy older women.

This again links with the video montage, but also links with the old lady at the beginning of the movie saying she knows she's beautiful, with Ruth Handler being so gentle with Stereotypical Barbie and not ridiculing her for being stupid or naive. It also links with Gloria. I freaking loved Gloria. All of these portrayals made me so happy because it gave me a sudden sense of hope that I will be okay one day.

As someone with severe depression and probably autism/ADHD, who doesn't remember not being depressed, that really spoke to me. These women were happy. They were okay with themselves. No, the LOVED themselves. It was beautiful.

This movie healed me, just a bit, and let me make the first real steps to healing fully. I'm still not 100% sure about my gender identity, but tbh I don't quite care. I'm starting to wear makeup often, starting to take care of my body better. I also bought a cute little Stitch dress lmao, and a white, frilly tank-top with purple flowers on it. I'm embracing my feminine side and I've never felt more free.

It's a wonderful feeling. I'm surprised myself that this all came from a Barbie movie. But, at the same time, I think I was beginning to realise this about myself before the movie. Having finished college and not needing to worry about Uni as I'm not going has given me the freedom to actually look at myself, internally, and ask "what do I feel?" Again, linking back to the Barbie movie when Ruth says, "Take my hands...Now, feel." And I have done. I've asked what my brain needs, and it's full of pretty dresses and pretty hairstyles and warmth and a want to live again.

I'm aware that this may seem silly to a lot of people. Maybe even childish. But I don't care. And that's a lot for an 18 year old to say, because many people my age, and older, do care. A lot.

This has just been an introspection, but I chose to share it because maybe it will help other people.

(Also, heavy disclaimer if you got this far. I don't know what terms are still used now, or how they're used. And writing about girl/womanhood and femininity whilst also trying to be inclusive to those who have the female anatomy but don't identify as a woman, and those who don't have the female anatomy but identify as women is very difficult. So, I deeply apologise if I used the term AFAB wrong, or if it is no longer an accepted term. Also, if anything else in this post is wrong/offensive or incorrect, again I'm sorry. Please let me know what is wrong and how to fix it and I will do my best to edit this post with the updated terminology/fixes.)

[takeyourcyanide]

INTRO + MASTERLIST

INTRODUCTION:

You can simply refer to me as “Cyanide,” if you’d prefer.

On this blog, I primarily write Soul Eater fanfiction and detail my experiences with certain psychological ailments. In terms of my writing, I often explore themes of violence and gore, trauma, and mental illnesses/disabilities such as schizophrenia, psychopathy (not always a diagnostic label, and some view it as being “outdated” but is still in use within not only research papers but also amongst the aspd community, for example, to differentiate between sociopathy and psychopathy/two subtypes), and autism spectrum disorder. My works act as explorations and psychoanalyses. All this to say, my writing may not always be (honestly, never is) suitable for all audiences, depending on the work. It’s best that those interacting with my blog be at least above the age of thirteen, if not older. This blog is more suitable for teen and up audiences. I typically post in English, though you may find that I ramble in Russian at times. I’ll most likely post in any language I happen to learn, but English and Russian are my two primaries.

POSSIBLE TWs FOR MY BLOG:

Mentions of r@pe, suicide, homicide, and self-harm

Detailed descriptions of violence and gore, including the likes of self-mutilation

Unreality, such as beliefs that would be considered “delusional,” and may trigger those in a fragile state of mind

Addiction; excessive smoking, drinking, etc. to cope

TAGS OFTEN USED ON MY

BLOG:

Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/No Comfort, (Often Underage) Smoking, (Often Underage) Drinking, Schizospec, ASPD, Unreality, Autism, (SFW) Age Regression, Schizophrenia, Soul Eater, Psychopathy, Mental Illness, Soul Eater Fanfiction, My Writing, My Fanfiction, etc.

REQUESTS:

I accept any and all writing requests. If I am, for any reason, uncomfortable with a topic, then I will make that known. All this to say, if you’re someone who worries whether or not the other person will set boundaries, you needn’t worry with me in any sense at all. Simply send a request in through my asks (👁️), and I’ll complete it when I’m able to.

I would like to add that I do happily accept constructive criticism and suggestions, as I’d like to improve!

MASTERLIST:

While I have considered writing for other fandoms, I have found an outlet in the Soul Eater fandom. So, if needed, this will be updated to accommodate other fandoms, though I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Key:

👁️ - Angst

🪆 - Fluff

💪 - Action/Adventure

🩻 - Smut

FRANKEN STEIN ADJACENT:

Desperation: A Collection - 👁️(?) - 802

Кошмар - 👁️/🪆(?) - 2 914

Starving - 👁️/🩻/🪆 - 1 813 (so far)

I Know That The Writing’s On The Wall - 👁️ (?) - 744

Child Psychology - 👁️ (?) - 1 525

Pathetic - 👁️ - 4 289

Rationality; a Supposed Loss and Deterioration - 👁️ - 2 408

Sundown - 🪆 - 1 676

Icky - 🪆 - 1 600

Flatline - 👁️/🪆 - 759

Oxytocin - 🪆 - 1 246

Equilibrium - 👁️/🪆- 1 448

A Star-filled Night - 👁️ - 323

Жизнь просто бесконечный круговорот - 👁️/🪆 - 800

Loss - 👁️/🪆 - 2 550

A Tarantula and a Praying Mantis - 💪 - 5320

Woeful - 👁️/🩻 - 10 192

Do What You Will - 👁️ - 6 978

That Which Destroys You, You Adore - 👁️/💪 - 3 733

Leaches - 👁️/💪 - 4 786 (total, so far)

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell - 👁️/🪆 - 2 710 words

Muse of Tragedy - 👁️ - 1 130

Prey - 👁️ - 3 315

Until I Ache - 👁️/🪆 - 2 113

Closer - 👁️ - 1 893

Forest - 👁️/🪆 - 3 165

Ceaseless - 👁️/🪆 - 3 164

There Will Come a Day - 👁️ - 796

Mutt - 👁️ - 3 501

Too Much - 👁️ - 4 009

Cycle - 👁️/🪆 - 4 209

Сигареты (Cigarettes) - 👁️ - 1 073

Anguish - 👁️/🪆 - 5 578

Бесконечный ад (Endless Hell) - 👁️ - 1 395

Blood Red - 💪 - 2 475

Bells - 👁️/🪆- 2 650

Self-Cannibalism - 👁️/🪆 - 2 491

Пустой (Empty) - 👁️ - 2 926

Repulsion - 👁️ - 14 434

A Buzzing - 👁️/🪆 - 2 973

Time - 👁️/🪆 - 2 867

Adoration - 🪆 - 2 893

Secret - 👁️ - 1 419

Cute - 🪆 - 2 411

Reflection - 👁️ - 1 983

A Sense of Calm Before the Inevitable Storm - 👁️/🪆 - 948

SPIRIT ALBARN ADJACENT:

Sundown - 🪆 - 1 676

Icky - 🪆 - 1 600

A Tarantula and a Praying Mantis - 💪 - 5320

Woeful - 👁️/🩻 - 10 192

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell - 👁️/🪆 - 2 710

Until I Ache - 👁️/🪆 - 2 113

Closer - 👁️ - 1 894

Forest - 👁️/🪆- 3 165

Too Much - 👁️ - 4 009

Cycle - 👁️/🪆 - 4 209

Anguish - 👁️/🪆 - 5 578

Blood Red - 💪 - 2 475

Bells - 👁️/🪆 - 2 650

Пустой - 👁️ - 2 926

Repulsion - 👁️ - 14 434

I Want a Divorce - 👁️/🪆 - 6 084

Secret - 👁️ - 1 419

MARIE MJOLNIR ADJACENT:

Oxytocin - 🪆 - 1 246

Equilibrium - 👁️/🪆- 1 448

Жизнь просто бесконечный круговорот - 👁️/🪆 - 800

Loss - 👁️/🪆- 2 550

Do What You Will - 👁️ - 6978

Ceaseless - 👁️/🪆 - 3 164

Too Much - 👁️ - 4 009

Сигареты - 👁️ - 1 073

Anguish - 👁️/🪆- 5 578

Self-Cannibalism - 👁️/🪆- 2 491

Пустой - 👁️ - 2 926

Repulsion - 👁️ - 14 434

A Buzzing - 👁️/🪆 - 2 973

Time - 👁️/🪆 - 2 867

I Want a Divorce - 👁️/🪆- 6 084

Adoration - 🪆 - 2 893

Cute - 🪆 - 2 411

A Sense of Calm Before the Inevitable Storm - 👁️/🪆 - 948

~*{}——————{}*~

Have a song now that you’ve reached the end!

[teawiththegods]

(TW: r*pe)

Hi! I hope it's okay to ask this here, if not I'm very sorry. Feel free to just delete this ask if you don't want to answer it.

I really want to write a retelling of the myth of Caeneus, because as a trans guy and hopefully Poseidon devotee one day (I haven't really introduced myself to him yet because I'm a bit shy), the story really speaks to me. I want to write the story as Poseidon falling in love with Caeneus. However, I know that in many versions of that myth, Poseidon actually r*ped him.

Do you still think it would be okay to write a retelling of this story as a love story? Or would that be romanticizing r*pe?

Hello, love!

The thing to keep in mind is that for some reason Ovid looked at mythology and thought "You know what these stories are missing? Rape. They need more rape". He just really enjoyed inserting that into all his stories and now because of it our gods are seen as predators. I mean he's the main reason Poseidon and to a lesser extent Athena get a lot of shit now that Medusa has risen in popularity. People don't realize that the story where Medusa is assaulted comes from Ovid and that in the original Greek myths Medusa was always a gorgon. So thanks for that, Ovid!

I bring this up because there are likely stories where Caeneus isn't assaulted by Poseidon. Since I'm not 100% familiar with the different versions I did a quick google search and found this from Apollodorus

[E.1.22] Caeneus was formerly a woman, but after that Poseidon had intercourse with her, she asked to become an invulnerable man; wherefore in the battle with the centaurs he thought scorn of wounds and killed many of the centaurs; but the rest of them surrounded him and by striking him with fir trees buried him in the earth

There is absolutely an argument that despite rape not being directly indicated its still inferred based on context. However, I do also believe based on the wording there is an argument for the opposite. Of course it really does depend on the original Greek but all I can do is go by the translations and by what I know about mythology in general. And as I said its quite common for there to be multiple versions of a myth and Ovid has his reputation which only adds to that.

I did also see a few mentions of other versions where Poseidon and Caeneus were lovers but there were no sources or direct references to those myths. So do what you will with that information

But my personal thoughts on it is that its completely okay to write a love story between Poseidon and Caeneus. Of course not everyone is going to agree and thats something you're going to have to think about if you choose to share the story. But just because some people don't like it or agree doesn't necessarily mean writing it was wrong, you know?

I mean think about all the Hades and Persephone retellings we have now? According to Ovid (and possibly other versions of the story) Hades raped Persephone but that hasn't stopped anyone from making them the new Romeo and Juliet, right? So why can't you tell a cute story about a trans guy and the sea god that fell in love with him? I'd love to read that!

[ask-alastors-mom]

This is just a small piece about may and her husband (and also sort of a vent art, I will give my trauma to my characters wether they like it or not) this is also canon to the blog and her backstory

But please be advised of the content warnings and take care of yourself!

Tw: Mentions and References to SA and R*pe

May knew it better then to talk when her husband was like this , it wasn’t often when he was like this just a few times every month then he drank far more then usual. He would come home extremely late even missing dinner alastor would already be tucked into bed sent off to sleep with a bed time story and a kiss goodnight, she thanked god for that small mercy that her son would never know this happens that he never has to see his mother like this.

Her husband would come stumbling him his tie already be handing over his shoulder and the buttons on his collar undone as he threw himself over her whispering into her neck as she held back tears saying things such as “please may I’ll be gentle” , “why the fuck are you crying you whore, I’m not hurting you, stop crying.” , “stop trying to make me the fucking bad guy, just do your job as a woman and lay the fuck down.”

She could take all his words his abusing and rough touch as he ripped off her clothes and ran his hands over what wasn’t his , she would never his she realized, he would never love her again, She let tears fall down her eyes and onto the stained sheets mourning a love she would never have again, She would take it all because after he was done with her he’d leave alastor alone he wouldn’t touch him he wouldn’t beat him or herself she was thankful for that small mercy despite her body dirty and sinful she would thank god for the small mercy he gave her for her son to be happy and blissful.

She would let him do it all again if it meant her son would be safe no matter how much agony it brought her.

[therealvinelle]

Tw: talking about r#pe ASOIAF anon here! Sorry, I might have been a bit misleading

On the GRRM part I think you are right. I'm saying this because I haven't run into a person who criticised him so far. And I don't even have to mention D&D after the shit show they made out of GOT, everyone in the fandom hates those two.

But if you take a deep breath and dive into the fandom.......people will try to defend their favorites no matter what the cost is.

Unfortunately, I like the edits about GOT on Tiktok. That was what captured me at first because there are some very talented people out there. But here comes the catch. Let me give you an example that I run in to frequently. The Daenerys vs Sansa fandom.

If you criticise Daenerys as a Sansa Stan they will make fun of your fave as if they are still in Kindergarten. I once saw tiktok about Sansa getting r#ped or abused in an other way to promote Daenerys.

Same goes for Sansa's team. I saw it in both teams that there are people who do shit like that. And the beauty of this that these "Stans" in the fandom will try to deny it, that it never ever happened and that it never will because their fave is Jesus come again and those who love this character are the loveliest people in the world. If you think differently, you're wrong and an idiot. (And there are way more competitions where they put different characters against each other because they want to have a beef with someone.)

And do not let me get started on Team Black or Team Green. You will see people cheering about murdering children in the most brutal way imaginable.

You see, my problem is that you can't have an opinion about almost every character that counts because there will be always at least one "XY's d*ck rider" who will defend their every action as if they were their bear cubs. Also they will make fun of the or send them death threats to the actors/actresses because they played a character who they hated.

I'm sorry that I ended up ranting and taking up place in your ask box but I wanted to give you a warning about what is lurking in the Dark side of this fandom if you will ever get into it somehow, (Run you fool! Run and don't look back! ) that this will be one helluva ride. I know, I know that every fandom has its weird people but ASOIAF and GOT and HOTD in my humble opinion are on another level.

There is a possibility that these toxic takes only exist on Tiktok and Twitter but let's not forget that Tumblr had its dark side era.

So...yeah......again. I'm sorry, I misunderstood you. And sorry for my English

(^me reading this ask)

(Anon is referring to this post.)

Thank you for clearing up, anon, I... god. Good god. I will keep this in mind.