#verbal processing

[knitrockbottom]

Love that Daniel is a verbal processor in a way that would usually come across like annoying exposition but bc his job is just to know things about various peoples and say it out loud it works. It’s great when he asks questions cause he’s used to just knowing things and when he doesn’t he MUST ASK so he can say something about it.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autistic Visual Thinking

Have to adapt to predominantly verbal communication culture in society

Convert verbal language into imagery to understand communication

May find it more difficult to organize visual thoughts when under pressure

Verbal language processing requires effort

May struggle with long sequences of verbal information

Need processing time to conceptualize visually what is being said verbally, then actively creating a verbal response

Visual thinking has a component-see things that others miss

Minds that are like oceans of images

Make rapid fire associations

Numbers and algebra can be abstract

Word based thinking can be a second language too

Details jump forward-notice things that seem off kilter immediately on entering a space

Can be late talkers

Deconstructing to learn

See images in their eyes mind

Struggle with traditional teaching method

Problem solvers

Photorealistic images - Cinematic - Short Films

Often doesn't require directions when traveling

May thrive in practical based activities

Look at the world from another persons point of view

Society not created for Visual thinkers

LilPuddins.ie

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

painful bedtime realizations:

i am still learning how to recognize when someone is genuinely showing love.

i have been around too many people who broke my trust & manipulated me for personal gain, and they were good at faking. i have little to no contrast for what genuine care looks like.

i don’t know which actions tell me they love me, or how to tell if those actions are sincere. i don’t know how to tell someone’s overflowing love language apart from someone who love-bombs temporarily (then revokes it or demands something in return or both).

i am starting to wrap my mind around the fact that some people can convincingly fake loving (familial, romantic, etc.) actions. but my ability to accurately tell the act apart from the sincere is barely unfolding, the first page of a new chapter.

not being able to recognize which is fake means feeling anxious & hypervigilant whether it’s real or not. it means constantly looking for subtle hints in their body language & tone as if somewhere in all the noise and movement i’ll find an answer. but that of course means lack of trust & often lack of attempts to be vulnerable, & people who might be genuine or want to actually try to get close may give up & turn away (too fast for me to recognize or accept the authenticity).

i also don’t know how to differentiate whether a person or the surrounding environment (e.g. coffee shop) is causing me to feel unsafe/uncomfy/etc. - especially when i just feel anxious & hypervigilant all the time. it’s difficult to sort through the noise. it’s difficult to find the source or sources.

i want to get to a point where i know, at least mostly certainly, when my nervous system tells me i am unsafe with a situation or a person. i want to know when a person is being sincere, even through whatever background noise PTSD & anxiety are causing.

i want to know how it feels to be sincerely loved, & shown that love.

((note this is stream-of-consciousness processing, & i don’t expect a response. but if you feel inspired/passionate, & you really want to do so, you can (your effort won’t be rejected/dismissed). i’m mostly just speaking into the void as i process these thoughts running through my head at what is currently 11:01p))

~Nico

[aerinmoriarty]

I really think that we underestimate the amount of verbal processing necessary to understand our own feelings. There have been a lot of times that I was just vaguely sad about something and wasn't really sure what about, but talking through things with others allowed me to see the gaps and the solutions I hadn't seen before.

And the other person doesn't necessarily have to say anything for me to get that benefit. It's just getting the ideas out of my head into the real world allows me to handle them in a more concrete fashion than when they're just concepts in my brain.

Jonice Webb, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

[daveinediting]

One of the ways my creativity works is in a collaborative manner. Not with another human being, though. Not with another songwriter. Not with a co-writer. Not with a consultant. But with myself.

As in...

My conscious and subconscious minds working together.

The metaphor for how this plays out is a relay race. It doesn't actually matter which mind leads off the race, either. It can start with a thought I intentionally cultivated. It can start with a thought that came to me. Either way.

For example.

I'm working on a proposal and a pitch for a project and yesterday, I articulated it for the first time to a colleague unintentionally. It piggy backed naturally off another conversation.

Here's the thing, though. I managed to do it on the fly and in such a way that made sense. I hadn't yet taken that pitch out for a spin. I hadn't yet heard it out loud. So I was pleasantly surprised how good it sounded. Plus, it made all kinds of sense to my colleague, lit up some thoughts in their head, too. 

Now, the work I've done so far is thinking... and drafting an outline of a proposal in sections. Also trying to draft the pitch in ordered bullet points. Laying out my argument in a note app on my phone. So I had all that swimming freely in my brain.

This was something new, though. The next step of that working it out process that pretty much just launched right out of my mouth. So, once my colleague and I parted ways, I wrote my new pitch down.

Well...

Actually I didn't.

You see a few hours before, for an unrelated project, I researched a look I'm trying to craft and one of the articles I ran across laid out a bulleted set of suggestions. A kind of recipe, if you will.

And I have a place for recipes. 🙂

Because this particular set of recipes are the kind I need access to from different locations, geographically separated edit suites, I keep 'em in Google Slides.

Google Slides?

Yeah. In the cloud. I can access them from anywhere. Each slide is a recipe. A look. A way of doing a particular thing.

So that was swimming in my head, too.

And right when I went to write down the bullet points of my updated pitch, it occurred to me to put it in Slides.

That's not a completely off the beam idea, by the way. I learned to pitch during my advertising campaigns course in college and we laid it all out with a slide presentation to back us up.

Therefore.

Moving forward, I'm sculpting my pitch through the lens of a slide presentation. After all, if I can't make sense there... I'm simply not making sense.

The conversation with my colleague was a helluva thing, though. Up until that moment I was thinking through the problem, defining the pieces of the puzzle, just starting to arrange then when, on the fly, in the middle of another conversation, my brain rearranged those puzzle pieces into a better arrangement.

Huzzah!

So my continuing effort in Slides is me grabbing the baton from my subconscious and running with it just as my subconscious grabbed the baton from my conscious efforts to get my proposal and pitch up and running.

It works that way sometimes, this back 'n forth.

And I absolutely love it when it does.

🙂

[harleythealter]

It’s really fucking stressful to go into college life and these are my interactions

“How do you feel about college? Nervous?���

“Yeah, I’m actually really nervous.” And if it’s a person I trust more than the general person, or somebody who seems genuinely curious, I’ll share “I’m actually most nervous about not being smart enough.”

“Oh you got this.”

Maybe that’s meant to be supportive, I just feel dismissed.

People don’t understand how much stress school causes for me because I do well in the grade book, but for those who don’t know, schooling is so much more than those non summative courses. It’s interaction with other people(I have been accused of being so insensitive when I was using 100% empathy) and it’s tests that don’t have the same formatting as the prep work that we are sworn will prep us for the test. It’s hearing a teacher use a definitive word and meeting their expectations to an excellent level, only to find that the amount of work I put into this wasn’t necessary to pass. It’s feeling too ashamed to submit poor work even if the teacher considers it to be adequate, so I go above and beyond. It’s being called the teachers pet because I was taught some fucking manners as a child and that translates to being the most helpful person in class. The nickname is compounded by me actively engaging in class and answering questions because that’s how I learn and if the opportunity is presented, I should take advantage of it. Somehow doing this makes people see me as stuck up and they have admitted to assuming I think I’m better than others. School is also being told an assignment will take me 3-4 hours and we can do it all in class, but it took me those 3 in class hours plus 8 more at home.

But those things don’t exist to other people because they just see my grades. Or, contrary to that, they see how I function outside of school exclusively. I am so adapt at understanding information and retaining conversations word for word. Additionally, their own self consciousness about how they feel around me plays in. I have noticed people who have admitted to feeling less smart than I am are more prone to dismissing my concerns about my adequacy because “you’re so much better than I am.” Which to me, this translates as me being invalid. Their selfishness and projection has blocked us from a connection and a place where I could’ve leaned on them.

Later I sign up for my courses. I picked a full schedule because I want to be challenged this first semester. And I tell these people I have a 13 credit schedule and they suddenly go from “there’s no way she can fail” to “I have never taken so much work. Are you sure you can do it?” And my ambition is punished. My bravery is stamped upon by sudden concern from others.

And I don’t really understand this. Because they lack the communication skills for this kind of conversation and yet when I explain it to them, it still doesn’t make sense that how I feel has nothing to do with their experiences and how they view themselves. I do appreciate feeling like I’m not alone in my experiences or feelings, but it feels like somebody is trying to put out my fire with the comments that feel dismissive. “You’re so smart” “you’ve always been good in school” “you have always had great grades” “you’ve never worked hard for your grades” “grades grades grades” “you’ll make good friends”

That final assumption is so stressful to me and puts so much pressure on me to live up to their expectations—all of these things do. Because they made it about them, when they started by asking about me. Isn’t that confusing?

And so I’m left fighting my generational lesson that I should give all the shits about what other people’s expectations of me are. I’m left here, isolated by the people closest to me to be in college for myself and my progress regardless of what my family thinks of my chances of success. And I don’t know how to stop wondering “what would happen if I did fail?” They would love me, sure, but all they talk about is my success, so who am I to them if I fail?

Maybe it’s nice, that I’m measured by my successes and not my failures. That the failures/missed marks can be let go because they know who I am.

Maybe I’m substituting my concern for how they see me if I fail but it’s a projection of my concern of how I will see myself if I fail.

A crisis over school

[thattiksurecantok]

Verbal Processors with ADHD

Transcript:

A lot of people with ADHD are verbal processors, which is actually a form of hyperactivity.

But they are someone who needs to talk out loud to learn what they think or feel about something.

Sometimes you need to talk it through with multiple people just so they can process the intensity or the emotion of an experience out of their body. Almost like they have no choice if they want to move on with their lives. And a lot of verbal processors need their communication to be mirrored back at them.

For example-

Left: My friend stood me up AGAIN. Like I just feel like she doesn't even think I'm important in her life

Right: Oh my god she stood you up AGAIN? Hey, I don't blame you for not feeling important

.

Or it could look like-

Left: I'm thinking about getting a haircut. Like I kinda want to chop it all off. Not really sure how I feel about it. Like with that. Would I get sick of it? I don't know or maybe it would feel really good

Right: Oh my gosh I can't believe you're thinking of cutting your hair. What's making you wanna hold back?

And some people can have these verbal processing things with themselves. And some people need other people.

One more thing to know about verbal processors is that interrupting them can have consequences. They're working out an idea; you do NOT want to interrupt them. Because if you do, they might have to start over again

On the other hand, sometimes we get caught in a loop. So you gotta get to know your friends who are verbally processing with you

[starry-bi-sky]

mmm throwaway conversation between Dan and Danny that popped into my head that I had to write out:

"You spent ten years being a one-man mass extinction event, then went back in time and fought me, and lost." Danny snarls, arms crossed and throat tight. His mouth pulls back to bare dagger-sharp teeth, and his eyes burn with the familiar thrum of ectoplasm heating up behind his eyes. "If I didn't believe you were half of Vlad before, I do now."

His other self -- and really, can he even call him that? He's half of Vlad too. Two halves severed from each other and welded together to make a new whole, -- snaps his head over to him. Wild-eyed and furious, he looks unlike the man Danny fought before, the one unruffled and untouched, unbothered by the world around him. It's familiar, but not like the way a reflection is.

"What's that supposed to mean." The Other hisses, matching Danny's scowl one-for-one with fangs much bigger and sharper than his.

But there's a reason lions fear hyenas. Danny matches the rumble in The Other's chest with one of his own, and shoves his face close to his. "I don't lose."

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

I cannot wait for this Stan to reconnect with his Ford.

I still haven't figured out HOW exactly they'll meet yet, but I do think that Ford would ATTACH himself to Stanley and talk his ears off forever when they eventually get comfortable :] and Stanley would listen because HOLY SHIT, THAT'S HIS BRO HE HASN'T SEEN FOR 40-ISH YEARS, HE MISSED HIS VOICE. Nonstop certified Yapper & Listener relationship <3

Stanley looks dead faced because of his ingrained poker face, but he's thouroughly enjoying it, even if sometimes he has no idea what the fuck Ford is saying. He never interrupts him though, since he knows people usually ignore or interrupt him mid-talk already. So sometimes Stan gets stuck in awkward situations where he has to leave or do stuff, but also doesn't have it in his heart to stop Ford and extract himself out of a (one-sided) conversation.

[miscling]

while playing, you have to be able to affirm consent, but there's another side to it.

when consent is affirmed, it has to be believed and trusted. even if it takes a moment for the question to processed and answered.

it's very frustrating to say that it's okay to continue, only for things to stop anyway because it took a moment to be really sure it wanted to continue. sometimes the play is overstimulating (in a good way) and it takes a moment for the brain to catch up to affirm consent. taking a moment to breathe before answering affirmative isn't a 'no' that's too scared to be expressed.

[cubbihue]

Have there been times the Turner parents have suspected something but shrugged it off?

They have never suspected Timmy Turner of anything! Despite often expressing regret or disappointment, they still very much love their son! And all the benefits he brings them!!

The Turners are a well established family in the neighborhood. It wouldn't bode them well to go around casting doubt against their own son. It'd affect their reputation terribly!

Bitties Series: [Start] > [Previous] > [Next]

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

^^ 100% agree with Kat on this. It isn’t necessarily harmful, & not particularly uncommon either. I also have some potential explanations of why this might happen for you, as someone who experiences this.

~~

anon: You might be verbally processing.

(elaborating, for anon & anyone else who’s experienced this (& maybe worried about it)—)

As a neurodivergent person who’s also plural (D.I.D.), we talk aloud to eachother for help/comfort (comedic relief, caretaking, protection, etc.), but talk aloud to ourselves (individually) to process & unravel/understand our own emotions, incoherent thoughts, & trauma threads. Sometimes I do that by writing stories out loud to myself (when physically alone), or by speaking/letting it out to our best friend (who’s amazing at helping turn incoherent threads & thoughts into something we can take to therapy or act on). The way you need to verbally process might also vary based on environment & mood (which are the primary factors that influence my approach).

I know plenty of neurodivergent people who also use we/us because they deem (or feel like) body & brain/soul as separate entities, or because they deem (or feel like) many facets of themselves (body, brain, soul, different mental illnesses, autism & ADHD, etc.) as separate. But it’s important that those are facets of the same person, even if they can sort of talk to eachother*. Plurality means each part is separate, not facets of a whole (though we also feel like body & brain are separate, so it’s us & ‘the body/meatsuit’ as the same collective entity vs us as separate identities, people, sentient beings).

(*it may help to look into Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy if you can afford/access it. It helps neurodivergent folks way more than cognitive behavioral therapy. It can also help plural systems, so whether you have one or both it would help.)

I also honestly can’t predict what other headmates will say (or how they will say it), which our best friend has pointed out multiple times.

I can’t necessarily predict the processing side either, but it usually makes sense once it’s in words, whereas sometimes headmates use words I don’t know (or even languages, because we know bits n pieces of many & quite a bit of français, but I don’t remember anything except español) or catchphrases/clichés I don’t know/expect.

Example: Just last night, I met a newly returned headmate who (a) has a different accent than me (español (español de tipo Castilian/España) + Pacific NW accent vs Queen’s British) & (b) kept casually saying “what a conundrum” when he got frustrated. I didn’t even know how to spell that word until he typed it out 😅. But that kind of thing doesn’t happen with verbal processing; it’s my voice & accent, & only words & languages I know & recognize (& can spell).

But honestly, only you can tell the difference between processing aloud & speaking to a separate person within your brain.

In brief summary, it can be perfectly normal for neurodivergent folks & for plural systems. You may just be verbally processing, which many nd folks need to do. But only you can know for sure what your brain needs & is doing.

~Nico (he/they)

Is it normal to have full on conversations with yourself? Cause’ I do it all the time, I am also neurodivergent so maybe that’s got something to do with it?

Many people do it, and in most cases it's neither particularly uncommon or harmful

[annasofthe11thdimension]

Pictured: Loop being extremely normal as they lay in their shallow (homemade) grave as they meditate on existence and also if they have annoyed the Researcher enough THIS time for her to murder them and bury them alive.

(Spoilers - they did not annoy her even CLOSE to that much.)

And there is the required reverse image of Odile arriving - she's had a LONG day (i.e. previous loop), and due to this it will take ten minutes before she even acknowledges the shallow grave Loop is laying in, as she was distracted complaining about what Siffrin just did to annoy her.

----

I'd say there's context for all of that, because like...there IS context? Here's the link to the series of fics that HAS that context even! But also...even with context...can't say that it's going to make any of this less weird.

Mostly Odile is looping because due to Loop's wish the universe got rewritten to make Siffrin's repression and emotional issues (the ones bad enough to get him stuck in a time loop in the game) 'someone else's' problem...or at least that's Loop's best theory atm!

Regardless, context or not, I'm quite happy with how the pics came out, and figured I might as well post them here too.

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

"Narrator who processes verbally" is the best thing ever btw

Narrator who describes what they're seeing in gruesome detail as they fixate on everything they're forced to bear whiteness to, like the verbal equivalent of being unable to look away from a car crash

Narrator who recaps what you've already experienced because they're still trying to wrap their own head around what happened and get their own thoughts and feelings in order

Narrator who isn't actually narrating just for you, but equally for themself because they will fall apart if they stop putting words to what they see

Whether they know that about themself or not

[daveinediting]

There's nothing like sharing in a moment where genuinely gifted individuals realize their giftedness.

Or, for the first time, acknowledge they are gifted.

And own it.

Friend of mine recently explained it to me this way: "People would tell me how talented I am but all I could think was yeah, but who am I?"

They also put it this way:

"Who am I to deserve that talent?"

And, by extension, who are they to take advantage of the opportunities that talent unlocks?

So they do nothing with it.

They don't pursue it.

They may shine a little from time to time but they don't allow their gift to become a lifelong professional passion.

In the meantime, there are people who wrongly overestimate their own abilities. They have such a dysfunctional self-awareness that they wield a breathtaking confidence to which people actually respond in a positive way.

Turns out confidence alone can take you a long way in this world. Not gonna lie.

In some ways these people feel like a modern riff on "The Emperor's New Clothes" by Hans Christian Andersen. In this case, there is no there there.

It's all attitude. No talent.

Yet.

Hidden away in the corners, along the sidelines, are the legitimately gifted. The marvelously talented. 

There are, of course, many many many reasons why they are where they are. I can't presume to say I know all the reasons or understand each one fully. I only know what I've been told by incredibly talented people who live outside the spotlight. Bear in mind, too, that causes can be multivariable. There doesn't have to be just one cause. There can be several that, for lack of a better way of putting it, collaborate. As I understand them, there's a spectrum of mental health challenges, there's substance use prompted by all kinds of circumstance, there's trauma, PTSD, and then the factors of friend groups, income, neighborhoods and communities, opportunities, and families of origin.

Families of origin, by the way, is a full spectrum deal. There can be trauma there, yes. There can be physical, mental, sexual, emotional abuse, yes. There can be neglect. There can be family biases toward certain professions and away from others so that everyone knows what's expected when they become adults, yes. There can be dysfunctional relationships, you bet. 

However. 

There can also be this:

Creatives who are born into families that are not.

And yeah. People who aren't creatives, who are quite concrete individuals, often find it impossible to either understand creatives or value and delight in those things in which creatives value and delight. Definitely, people who aren't creatives don't process the world around them in the same way. A verbal processing creative in a family that can't similarly engage... is merely one example. And in that kind of mismatch within a family environment, the lack of encouragement is nothing more than a lack of understanding. Of not getting it.

Or.

It's a straight up inability to engage. As opposed to a choice not to.

Again. There's no enmity here. No ill will. No intent or condescension.

Just different personalities with different values focused on different areas of life.

Again, there are any number of reasons for a creative to not blossom. It takes a lot to grow 'em. It's no surprise then, that many never emerge from their cocoon. They never combine their mind boggling gifts with breathtaking confidence. And they never grab hold of opportunities in the relentless pursuit of a lifelong career.

They never step into the spotlight.

So there is.

There's nothing like sharing in a moment where genuinely gifted people actually own their giftedness. Where they realize who they are, what they're capable of and, most importantly, how rare they are.

How rare.

They are.

There's nothing like being there to unequivocally validate that feeling and relentless encourage them.

It's a moment that's all kinds of reasons for applause and cheers. And we will continue to normalize the idea that when you're gifted...

You don't have to be anyone.

You're already as much as you need to be. All that's left is to know that's who you are. For real. 

And be that person in the world.

😊

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

october 1, 2021 4:15 p.m. grant's house

[juhani] hello? grant, can i call you tomorrow? it’s late.

[grant] no, you can’t. i know it’s 11 o’clock where you are right now, and i don’t really care. you answered, so you’ve trapped yourself.

[varpu, faintly] juha, if you don’t talk now, he will never call you back.

[juhani] i want to speak with you, of course i do, it’s just–

[grant] fantastic, because that’s what we’re doing. we’re talking! i have 30 years of stuff to get off my chest, and i'm sure you have your own piece to share. not sure where to start, but.

[juhani] may i ask you a question? what did you overhear at dinner the other night? are you upset i'm moving? is that it?

[grant] i mean, that stung a little after the whole “i’ll be around to build a relationship with you,” thing, but i gave you my express permission to go home, so it’s whatever. we are both adults, so i am not going to fault you for making adult decisions that improve your life. i'm more upset by you claiming you didn’t tell me about your plans or include me in the moving and wedding stuff and whatever because i'm difficult.

[juhani] that’s not what–

[grant] oh, come on. don’t kid yourself. you said it yourself, anything involving me is like pulling teeth. i heard it loud and clear.

[juhani] well, when i tell you things, you never react well. it always goes precisely like this conversation is going.

[grant] really? never? because i remember being pretty positive about your proposal and about you contacting me in the first place and about coming to dinner to acquaint myself with varpu’s kids and about meeting varpu a while back…

[grant] what i react poorly to is you leaving me out, you calling me difficult, you complaining about me in front of impressionable people, etcetera.

[juhani] i don’t want to leave you out.

[grant] that’s what varpu said, too, but i didn’t believe her, so why would i believe you?

[juhani] i have no idea how to interact with you. i've apologized to you, told you i regret the events of your childhood. nothing works.

[grant] do you regret it? because it kind of just feels like you’re doing the same shit again. abandoning me for your own self-interests. oh, and this time you’re replacing me with a brand new family you treat better.

[juhani] i'm not repl–okay, what would you prefer me do when you push me away? you told me i was difficult.

[grant] when did i say that? i mean, that's true, sure, but i would not say that to you. what i probably said that you’re misconstruing is that talking to you is hard because i'm not comfortable around you.

[juhani] and how long will it take you to be comfortable around me? i don’t know what else you want me to do. truly, i don’t, and it is not pleasant to be rejected endlessly.

[grant] well, i'd have to forgive you, but i don’t. if forgiveness was meant to happen, it would not be instant. you’d have to keep trying with me, even if i piss you off, even if i push you away. you’re my fucking father, it’s your job. you show up for your kid even if they’re horrible or annoying. you never turn your back on them. but, you know, you didn’t show up for the first 22 years you were around, so you’d have to try extra hard now to change my mind.

[grant] but honestly, i will never be comfortable around you. i've realized that over the last few days. i did actually think if you just kept trying, i'd relax and be less on edge, but nope. you could become an honest-to-god saint tomorrow, and i'll still be furious because nothing will make me understand why you couldn’t have been a decent person when i was a kid. like, when i needed you.

[grant] and i don’t get why you weren't. i don't. i'm serious. i can’t comprehend it. clearly, you have it in you to be a decent person. you love varpu's kids. you're fatherly towards them. you take them on vacation, you invite them to house and wedding venue tours, you tell them about and include them in your hobbies, you remember details about them, you smile at them without being forced, you go to their weddings and don’t flip out about them being queer even though you were viscerally disgusted with me when you found out–

[juhani] you shouldn’t bring them into this. it isn’t fair. and i've taken you on vacation before, for one.

[grant] i am being petty, but i think it's fair because i'm not shitting on them specifically. and yeah, okay, you took me on vacation once. you took me to finland exactly once, but i never met your family, and i remember nothing other than the plane rides.

[grant] and you shouldn’t do this. we don’t need to split hairs. you don’t need to crawl through that list of grievances and “well, actually” me as many times as you can manage. one vacation changes nothing. that does not erase all the times you sat there like a lame duck and ignored me or mocked me or let my mother abuse me. there is nothing for you to pat yourself on the back about.

[grant] nothing.

[juhani] so, what are you upset about now?

[grant] why?

[juhani] why what?

[grant] why are you like this? why were you a terrible father? why have no heart for me or my sisters? why did you save all your love for someone else’s kids?

[grant] oh, and how about cerise? you sure didn’t care about your bastard kids either, did you?

[grant] shit. i'm sorry. that just kind of came out. that’s not how i wanted to, you know, pepper that into this conversation. i was going to save that for the end.

[juhani] how do you know about her?

[grant] doesn't matter. it's a long story.

[grant] on that note, what is up with the secret daughter? how’d that happen? is she the only one, too, or should i be on the lookout for any other siblings? and hey, you only divorced my mother in the last few years, so you were cheating. how many times did you fuck around on her, and why would you? you wouldn’t divorce her because you were afraid of her, but apparently it's no big deal to cheat.

[juhani] grant, how can i answer you if you don't allow me to talk? cerise’s mother michelle is a doctor. your mother and i were both at a conference in detroit about healthcare outreach, and…

[juhani] i know it seems contradictory, given how long i stayed with your mother, but i was unhappy in the marriage. i met michelle there at the conference, and she was kind and intelligent, and i suppose the rest of the story should be obvious to you.

[grant] goddamn, man. i hate my mother, but that’s bold: sleeping with another woman right in front of her face.

[grant] did she ever find out?

[juhani] eventually. you remember how she was with the finances. she tracked all the money going in and out of the household. you couldn’t have one cent go missing without being accused of something, and she’d always blame it on some incident with her brother and start ranting about him.

[juhani] look, the agreement with michelle was that i'd stay out of her life and send child support, and she wouldn’t interfere with my family either. i used to lie and tell your mother the child support funds were going somewhere important, but she didn't believe me very long. she did finally question me and find out the truth.

[grant] and?

[juhani] in hindsight, her reaction reminds me a lot of the one she had when you lashed out at her during your graduation dinner. very little left her speechless, but that did. initially, i should clarify. she would go on to never let me live cerise’s existence down.

[juhani] and to answer your question, as far as i know, cerise is the only other child.

[grant] as far as you know?

[juhani] i cannot rule out further surprises.

[grant] jesus christ. my grandmother is right, all men are dogs, but you most of all.

[juhani] does it upset you that much?

[grant] again, i don’t like my mother, but if i needed any more proof that you’re more spineless than a sea sponge, this is it. you were so unhappy with my mother that you’d cheat on her, but you’d not divorce her when your kids were vulnerable.

[grant] you disgust me. you slept around and thought with your dick before you spared a single thought for the kids you let my mother abuse. or for yourself! fuck you. if you’re going to be that selfish, at least be selfish enough to prioritize yourself and leave the woman making you that miserable!

[grant] and now i don’t believe you when you say you wouldn’t leave her back then because you were scared of her. do you seriously mean to tell me it’s less terrifying to cheat on her than to just walk out of the house and never come back?

[grant] i did that, you know? when i'd had enough of my mother, i told her as much and then never spoke to her again. and guess what? wouldn’t you be so stunned to find out she’s never tracked me down, never tried to call or email to reel me back in? she left me alone after i told her to go fuck herself!

[grant] and technically, you know it's possible to leave her, too. what did you say about the divorce? that she just rolled over and let you do it and was fine with you just coughing up all the assets and dipping?

[grant] exhibits A, B, and C that she’s a coward, too. she thinks she’s the boss, but if you fight back hard enough, she gives up. you could have left her at any point in time.

[grant] god. oh my god. you stupid, spineless motherfucker. i thought i'd maxed out on anger. apparently not!

[grant] you really could have been a better father. you could have had your whole little life overhaul decades ago, and you could have saved the entire family so much pain. you, me, elizabeth, kelly…

[grant] i should have suspected as much, and i guess i did, but it's shocking to realize over and over just how useless you are as a father. i think it can't get any worse and then it does. you are a complete and utter failure as a parent.

[grant] this is why i can’t forgive you. you didn’t have to mess up so badly. but no. whatever you got out of the relationship was enough to convince you to sit there and watch my mother ruin all of us, and even thought you weren't happy with her, you got by with fucking other women and only regretted staying a billion years later when you noticed you had nothing of substance left in life but my mother. and that’s a pretty depressing way to live, isn’t it?

[juhani] i stayed because i thought we deserved each other.

[grant] with that attitude, maybe you did.

[grant] listen, i'll admit this, no problem. it’s no one’s fault that she is the way that she is. it’s not even yours. she’s abusive, and what she does to other people is her fault and her responsibility. she’s excellent, too, at convincing you to just go along with it and never question her. it's not that hard to get caught in her trap at first, and she will try her very best to break you. but at some point, you have to question anyway. at some point, you have to recognize you deserve better and do something about it.

[grant] but you didn’t. not until it was too late for it to mean anything.

[grant] i would never think i've done everything right, but in the end, i've respected myself enough to make better choices and do something about the situation i was in, and i've had to do that because the adults in my life weren’t responsible or organized enough to fix things before responsibility fell into my hands.

[juhani] you are a braver and a better man than i.

[grant] i'm glad i am, but do you know how exhausting it is to be brave all the time?

[grant] i am because you weren’t. it is entirely because you failed. you weren’t brave enough to give a fuck about yourself or your kids, so i've had to be brave my entire life. brave enough to survive my childhood, then brave enough to leave. and guess what? i don’t want to be brave. i just want to exist. and back then, i just wanted to be a kid.

[grant] just a kid.

[grant] i wanted to come home from school and play with my pokemon cards and hear my mom and my dad say, “hi honey! how was your day? we love you!" i didn’t want to live in fear of what horror would befall me each and every day.

[grant] fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. you stole my childhood. you stole elizabeth’s childhood. you stole kelly’s childhood.

[grant] you and my mother, but you could have done something. you could have given us our childhoods back. you could have done something! you should have done something!

[grant] you didn’t have to do everything right even. parents mess up, i know that, but you could have at least tried. the bar was on the floor. i would have over the moon living in a single parent household with a father who at least showed up to my hockey games if he wasn’t busy at work and gave me a hug every once in a while.

[grant] and you know what, you did more than steal our childhoods. because you couldn’t stand to sacrifice your comfort long enough to take care of your kids, we all have to live in permanent hell. i have to spend the rest of my life freaking out when someone walks up behind me or speaks too loudly or–god forbid–touches me! it took me years to finally learn not to flinch when someone high fives me! and kelly–i don’t know what she deals with, but i know her life can’t be peaceful.

[grant] again, i am not blaming you for what my mother did–i know she was not kind to you either– but i do blame you for not even trying to stop her or get away from her. you were an adult with power, and you didn't use an ounce of it. actually, you did use it, just not for good. you threw me specifically under the bus because it was easier to let my mother use me as a punching bag than you.

[juhani] you’re right.

[juhani] you’re right, grant.

[grant] i have nothing else to say, short of "fuck you" again. i think i'm done yelling at you.

[grant] no, wait, one last thing. what did you even see in my mother in the first place? what was so enticing about her that you’d stay with her so long and ditch your college sweetheart for her?

[juhani] i don’t know. i don’t know anymore.

[grant] i guess it was two people drawn to each other's misery.

[grant] great. well, that’s all, folks.

[grant] good luck with the new family. maybe you can make it right with someone else and enjoy a totally fresh start because you will never make it right with me, and i will never let you forget what you did to me and my sisters. and don’t lose varpu again, by the way. she is, like, far out of your league–so far it's not even funny–and you are lucky to have this second chance with her and to have a good relationship with her kids.

[grant] also, just so it's clear, i don't want to speak to you anymore after this. don't call me, i won't call you either, except in one circumstance. i'll consider it on the day my mother kicks the bucket. we can toast to the end of that chapter of our lives and hope that the haunting ends. because surely you have to feel a little haunted, too, right? i have a sinking suspicion that’s why you reconnected with me. you don’t care about me. you care about that fresh start, about making yourself feel better about wasting your life and fucking up everyone around you.