#which is why i doodle the most on paper or on notes apps that are not actually good for High Art

[loverboybrightsideghost]

clois, anyone?

hhggrsfrssgvdvdbshfbsf

[practicedvmm13fullofpotatoes]

Random thing but I have like, 3 Object Shows that I will probably never ever mention again

First is Challenges At Paradise which is an object show that takes place at a hotel and resort, hence why it's called that

CAP was the first object show that I had ideas about and it might have the most cringy writing I've seen in my notes like omg

Second is Battle Through The Internet, a sort of survival show where the contestants are apps who were transported to, well, the internet and they have to somehow find a way to go back to their phone

Honestly, it makes no sense but yeah

Finally, last and most latest is Doodle Dimension: Fight for the Magic Pencil which is basically just a bunch of drawing and doodles that fight for the power to change one thing in their universe(aka the paper that they inhabit)

[pascalpanic]

‘Nilla Bean (Agent Jack “Whiskey” Daniels x gn!Reader)

Summary: A cowboy in your coffee shop is not the way you’d expected your morning to go, but you’re not complaining; especially not when he’s as attractive as he is.

W/C: 2.1k

Warnings: talk of food/eating, brief allusions to alcohol, lots of flirting, sexual innuendos, I think there’s like a single use of fuck

A/N: okay I’ve been thinking about this FOREVER but I finally went ahead and wrote it!!! hope u guys like it, I’m a sucker for a coffee shop AU as a barista myself :) thx @theteddylupinexperience for helping me name it and motivating me to write it lol

When you started your shift this morning, you’d groaned as you tied the apron around your waist, expecting an uneventful day. Most were. If you were lucky enough to see someone you knew or to have an especially nice customer, you’d consider it a good day. You didn’t know when you walked in that it would be the good day to end all good days: nothing could top this one.

Weekday mornings in the fall aren’t particularly busy. The majority of your customers come around the morning rush, and the remaining ones are usually retirees or house-spouses and their young children. It’s enjoyable, days like these, that don’t require you to dash about the shop.

The only problem, really, is having nothing to do. You clean the coffee grinder, wipe down tables, wipe down everything else, then do it all again. Restocking, usually an endless chore, isn’t even an option; no one’s using anything in the first place. You and your coworkers chat, deep-cleaning the coolers, washing the blender stations, and doing the dirty work. When a customer comes, you’re the lucky one who gets to go take their order and put your task on hold first.

It seems like you’ve done every task twice, even when your manager introduces yet another idea for you to deal with. To bide your time, you prep coffee for later, rearrange the case of pretty little pastries that sits next to your register, and doodle on your station with a paint pen, humming to the soft music playing in the shop.

People come and go, some picking up mobile orders and some ordering from you, some choosing to eat inside and some taking their food to go. You sip your drink happily between customers- a white mocha with caramel.

At one point, you’re in the back and washing dishes when a coworker peeks his head into the back. “Hey, you got someone up front!” He informs you, and you nod and wander out through the swinging doors.

Well. That’s certainly a sight for a Tuesday morning.

The man standing at the register is wearing a painfully well-tailored suit jacket, with gray tweed and patches on the elbows. Beneath it is a white top and a black tie, and the man wears jeans on the bottom half. Interesting.

Perhaps more interesting is the large cowboy hat perched atop his head. The man’s face, below the brim of his Stetson, is incredibly handsome. He has an aquiline nose, a neatly trimmed mustache that wouldn’t work on anyone else, and warm brown eyes that make you smile softly.

“Hi,” you comment as you log into the register. “Are you a part of our rewards program?” You ask as part of your regular spiel.

The man furrows his brow then shakes his head. “Uh, no. No I’m not. Can you sign me up now?” He asks, and his voice makes your chest flutter with the tone. It’s rich and smooth, with a beautiful southern twang.

Looking at your register and back at him, you shake your head. “It’s just an app on your smartphone, really easy,” you tell him.

“Ah, damn,” he groans and pulls it from his pocket. “I’m shit with technology. Why don’t you just… type it in here?” He says, handing you his phone with a notes page open. His thick fingers accidentally lock the phone as he hands it to you.

You tap the screen to wake it and find the background to be a picture of a cute little pig all covered in mud. “Uh, you locked it,” you chuckle. “What’s the password?”

The man looks down shyly. “1-2-3-4. Don’t make fun’a me, I’m like a grandpa with these newfangled phones.”

It’s endearing, you have to admit, and it makes you giggle. “Not a problem. I’m not here to chide you on your security choices,” you shrug. You type in the code and find the app, starting the download for him before handing back his phone. “Can I get a name to start your order?” You ask as you look up at him.

His eyes hold a warmth there, radiating off of his smile. “Whiskey.”

“Your mother named you Whiskey?” You tease as you type in the name, returning back to the main page of beverages. “Some kind of legal name.”

The man shakes his head. “Nah, that’s just what I go by at work.”

Whiskey likes conversation, you notice, and it makes you chuckle a little. “You got a real name then?” You ask him, raising an eyebrow beneath your visor.

The man tips his hat. “Jack Daniels, at your service.” He says and offers you a hand, which you take and shake.

“That’s a lie. You’re telling me your nickname is Whiskey and your real name is a type of whiskey?”

The man shrugs. “My momma had a real funny sense of humor, I guess. My daddy loved the booze so they went with it. I work for Statesman, so I suppose it’s fitting.”

“Ah, the distillery,” you nod with a smile, not grasping the depth of what Statesman actually does. How could you? “Well then, Jack,” you say with an honest grin on your face. “What can I get you to drink?”

Whiskey, Jack, whatever his name is, looks up at the menu, scanning the different beverages. “Well. That sure is a lot of choices. I’m new to the area, so I don’t know the menu yet, and I don’t know the first thing about coffee other than how to make it in a machine,” he admits to you. “What would you recommend, sugar?”

Sugar. Your heart beats a million times faster at the man’s words. You’ve had lots of weird and creepy men call you different things, but you’ve never been flustered and enjoyed it. This man is getting to you, quickly. “Well, how strong do you take your coffee?”

He thinks about that for a second, fiddling with the button on his suit jacket. “Pretty strong. A little sweet, with cream. I usually take it Irish style,” he admits with a chuckle, tapping a belt buckle that you realize is a tiny flask. Jesus. That’s not cheesy.

“Well, we don’t serve alcohol,” you laugh and look down at your screen. “We have all kinds of flavors.” You list them all off, off the top of your head, now staring at the ceiling to recite them all. “And our seasonal drink is pumpkin spice.”

The man raises an eyebrow. “Wonderful and all, but what do you like? You seem like you’ve got a good taste, darlin’, tell me what you’d recommend.”

God, these names are going right to where they shouldn’t, especially not when this handsome man is leaning on your counter and flirting with you as he orders his coffee. “I like vanilla.” You shrug.

The man laughs and stands. “I hate to say it, sugar, but I’m not a very vanilla man,” he says, his head tilting down and his dark, sultry eyes peeking out at you from just below the brim. His voice is seductive, implying something else other than the flavor.

Oh fuck. “Oh, not like that,” you laugh as your face floods with warm blood, anxiety coursing through your veins. “Not vanilla in that way.” Fuck, that’s even worse, you think and grip the counter so as to not physically cringe at your words.

“Not like that, huh?” His words are still so seductive and flirtatious it makes you want to combust. Maybe you will, if he keeps this going.

“N-no,” you stammer, looking down at the menu screen again. “I mean, I just think it’s underrated. People dismiss it as boring, but it’s really just as interesting of a flavor as anything else. It tastes really good with our espresso.”

Jack tilts his head to the side, a smirk on his face. His lip pokes out just slightly to wet his lips and you shiver involuntarily, your skin pricking up all across your body. God, you hope he can’t see it. “I’ll trust you on it, ‘nilla bean,” the man drawls and stands up straight again. “Triple espresso with vanilla and cream.”

You nod and ring that in. God, if he keeps going with the nicknames, you’re going to melt into a puddle here and now.

“What are these?” He asks as his fingers trace over the drawings on the counter, lifting them and finding the pink and green powder of the dried paint has transferred to his fingertips.

God, he makes you nervous, but in a good way. In the best way possible, a way that makes you want to knock that cowboy hat off his head and find out if his lips are as soft as they look. “I draw when I’m bored. It’s been a slow day,” you chuckle as your own fingers trace the crawling vines and flowers you’d painted there. “Sorry about the transfer,” you chuckle and your fingertips brush his, making you involuntarily shudder again at the contact. His fingertips are calloused and radiate warmth.  “Uh, can I get you anything to eat?” You ask and gesture at the bakery case.

The man inspects it for a moment, looking at the various foods lined up under the soft white light. “I’ll take one’a these,” he says and pokes a finger towards the chocolate chip cookies through the glass. You nod and take one out for him, putting it in a little paper sleeve and handing it over. “How much is this gonna hurt my wallet?” He asks, pulling it out from the back pocket of his jeans.

“Give me one second.” You type in your code for your employee discount, which takes a moment.

“What’re you typin’ there, ‘nilla bean?” He asks, brow furrowing.

Looking up at him, you push your visor up your face and smile a little. “Oh, I’m giving you my employee discount. It’s ridiculously priced here.”

Jack frowns. “You don’t have to do that for me, sugar. I’m just a regular ol’ customer.”

It’s your chance, you realize, to say something or stay silent forever. “Well, I like you,” you admit and take the credit card he hands you, swiping it through the machine. “And I’m hoping you’ll at least become a regular. I’d like to see you more,” you tell him with a grin.

The man’s face lights up, even beneath the shadow of his brim. “I’d like that too,” he nods and pockets his card when you hand it back.

A beat of silence passes as the two of you smile at each other, both of you lovestruck immediately. “Uh, your drink will be right up over there,” you say and nod to the other end of the café. “Are you going to drink that here or take it to go?” You ask.

“Oh, here,” he nods.

“Perfect,” you say with a small smile. “Then I’ll just bring it to you when it’s ready. Nothing better to do today,” you shrug and wander down to the other end before Jack, Whiskey, whatever can refute you.

You take the cup from your coworker, humming to yourself as you put some vanilla and cream in the cup, pulling the espresso shots. When it’s ready, it barely reaches the halfway mark of the small cup, so you top it with a little whipped cream. You suspect the man has more of a sweet tooth than he lets on.

Pocketing a pink paint marker, you put a lid on the drink and walk out to the dining room, setting the coffee down across from him. He’s munching on the cookie he’d ordered, looking up at you with unintentional puppy dog eyes. “Hey there.”

“Hi,” you smile and pull out the chair across from him, sitting down and pulling out the paint pen. “I put a little extra whipped cream on top. I thought it would go well with the espresso, make it a little creamier or something.”

As you uncap the paint pen, Jack’s brow furrows as he watches you. “Whatcha doing there?” He asks as you bring his cup closer to yourself and write something on the top.

“Being brave,” you chuckle and cap the pen, sliding it back. “I gotta head back. Enjoy it,” you say as you stand and pat him on the shoulder.

Only as you walk back to the register does Whiskey comprehend exactly what you put on the top of his cup. It’s your phone number, in that chalky pink paint, and a smiley face beneath it.

Jack may not be great with technology, like he told you, but he immediately pulls out his phone and takes a photo. Then he enters the number into a contact, filling out the name: ‘Nilla Bean.

-

taglist:

@remmysbounty @mishasminion360 @blo0dangel @binarydanvvers  @sleep-tight1 @apascalrascal @randomness501 @spideysimpossiblegirl @notabotiswear @pedro-pastel @sanchosammy @lv7867 @greeneyedblondie44 @hunnambabe @astoryisaloveaffair @emesispo @pedritobalmando @magikfanatic @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @princess76179 @starless-eyes-remain

[kodzumie-archived]

please can u spare a couple of mikan hcs w an s/o who adores her?? please my crops are dying,,, tysm

❝ADORATION❞

Synopsis; Mikan with an s/o that adores her.

Featuring; Mikan Tsumiki x GN! Reader

Warning(s); None! Just fluff with best girl, Mikan.

Kodzumie’s Note; Your crops shall live for another day! I always, always, always will spare writing for Mikan. Ahh, thank you so much for requesting for her! I hope you’ve had a great day today. Take care, anon! <3

➤ MIKAN TSUMIKI

⤷ To say she was astounded is an understatement. Mikan is truly unable to fathom how you someone like you could like her. Much less, adore her.

⤷ But, from the bottom of her heart, she appreciates it and cherishes every ounce of your affections entirely. And she attempts to reciprocate it in full, but it’s hard to compete with your overwhelming conveyance.

⤷ Showering her in metaphoric seas of compliments, it’s never a challenge to fluster the tenuous nurse. Her delicate, pallid features brushed upon with roseate as she attempts to withhold her composure. But your ministrations are too much for her poor, little heart to handle.

⤷ For every time you’ve made a momentary stop at the nurse’s office between classes, she swears her heart melts with every moment she sees you. Some breaks, you walk into the office with a rose twirled between your thumb and index finger, holding it out before you towards the bearer of your heart.

⤷ Of course, Mikan will deny taking the flower at first, claiming that it’d be much better given to someone else rather than her. But you silence her upon clasping your hands above her own, ever-so gently placing the florescent blossom between her fingers. Truly, it mesmerizes her the sheer dedication you’ve shown to someone as meek as her.

⤷ Some days, you stop by the office with a piece of paper between your hands; a drawing. Presenting it to your girlfriend with an eager grin upon your face, you explain that it was, in fact, a drawing of her.

⤷ Instantaneously, she begins to compliment your drawing, regardless of your skill level. She’s genuinely enamored that someone would take the time out of their day to draw her, of all people.

⤷ But her questions are answered with your rambles; your rambling about her. It’s strange. Foreign, even. It’s an entirely new situation for her to be put in as she listens to you gush about all that you admire about her. Vividly describing that the enchanting flecks of stardust within her eyes were simply too beautiful not to draw.

⤷ From your words alone, Mikan’s heart resonated within her chest as she attempted to muster coherent sentences, but the shock was still fresh within her mind. You thought she was beautiful. And, by your very own words; “No drawing or photo could ever capture your beauty, Mikan.”

⤷ And yet she’s surprised to say that-that isn’t even the best of them. You’ve surpassed her expectations and have smothered her in a love she’d deemed foreign; care she could only describe as exotic.

⤷ The days in which you’d stop by the nurse’s office with empty hands were her favorite; that day, you’d brought nothing. Only yourself to greet her presence, and yet, you still manage to engulf her in your adorations with a tidal wave of pure passion.

⤷ Those days, you’d draw her in close. The smile settling upon your lips was once she hoped to be blessed to see for years to come, a gentle smile reserved solely for her eyes as you cradle her face within your hands. Your touch was delicate; holding Mikan’s face as though she were glass, ready to shatter. And sometimes she truly believed that under your intense love, she’d crumble.

⤷ And that’s what she’d adored about you; the way you’d overwhelmingly underwhelm your affections so that she could handle them. You understood that sometimes the abundance of affection was hard to handle, flustering her to the brink of a mental breakdown as she processes the―unfortunately―foreign compassion.

⤷ Thus, you envelop her lips within yours, pulling her in for a serene, fleeting kiss. Within that moment, time had slowed. The seconds ticking in subtle reverse as she savors the sensation of your lips atop her own, occasionally parting to overlap once more.

⤷ And yet, even as you leave, the love that frolics within your eyes doesn’t cease. In fact, it intensifies. The glow of adoration emitting from your hues as your lips part from hers is a hypnotic sight for her, nearly forcing her within a  trance as she swallows in the affection within your gaze alone.

⤷ So it surprises her that your affection never seems to cease; an eternal flame of your desire burning solely for her. An ember in which she promises she’s undeserving of, yet you cling onto the belief—the truth she’s been hindered blind to—that she is deserving of this love. She is worthy of affection.

⤷ Even as you take her out to the café she’d subtly informed you of, hoping to visit it one day, she’s perplexed as to why you’d bother keeping in mind such an unimportant detail. Furthermore, why would you take her to the place she’d claim she’d been hoping to see?

⤷ But as you take her hand within hers—gently—allowing her to let go if she wishes, you inform her thay you wanted to see her reaction. To be able to witness her excitement from a front-row perspective, and bask in your girlfriend’s excitement over the pastries.

⤷ Mikan attempted to insist that a date spent on her would be a mere waste, but you’d opened the door for her with a grin before she could protest. Bowing your head in caricature to formality, giggling as your girlfriend hesitantly entered, following after her.

⤷ Amidst the comforting atmosphere, baristas calling out names of customers per order and the lofi beat droning within the background of the clatter, the café had been comforting. Mikan’s tender, lavender hues inspecting the confinements of the shop with the faintest of smiles.

⤷ Resting your chin within your hand, you gaze upon her features. All of which illuminated by the hanging lights of the establishment, accentuating her regal locks as she twirls a strand around her index finger. Her gaze fixed upon the doodles of the chalkboard announcing today’s special.

⤷ She appeared at ease; delight engulfing her within the confinements of the café. And with your eyes trained upon her contentment, you couldn’t help but bask in her ripples of joy that’d passed upon you in wishful washes; a wish to capture this moment forever.

⤷ So that’s exactly what you do. Retrieving your phone from the compartments of your bookbag, you swipe left of your lock screen, opening the camera app.

⤷ And without a moment of the ethreality to waste, you raise your phone and snap a picture; capturing wht you deemed as the essence of true beauty. Yet upon the shuttering of a camera, Mikan swiftly directs her head towards you, a somewhat panicked expression upon her fragile features. You almost feel bad for startling her, however, the photo within your phone album is the sight of a lifetime.

⤷ With furrowed brows, Mikan questions what you’d taken a picture of. To which she hadn’t expected you to flip your screen towards her, displaying the photograph before her very eyes.

⤷ It was her. Sitting across the table with a far-off gaze upon the front counter, within her hands resides her own phone as a faint smile laces her lips. Her free hand twisting her hair between her fingertips as she seems so peaceful; at last, she’s at ease. It was a picture of your girlfriend—Mikan—amidst her most serene of moments.

⤷ At first, she’s silent. Simply gazing upon your screen as though she were attempted to decipher whether or not she was encaged within a dream; a vividly torturous dream in which she’d been fooled with the illusory affection you’d always provided her.

⤷ But that silence morphs into mumbles; questioning. It’s a repetitive and Pavlovian reaction from your lover, yet you never seem to alter your answer to her inquiry; why had you taken a picture of her?

⤷ Because why would your answer change? If there was one thing you’ll leave this world with a true belief in, it’s that your girlfriend is an enchanting individual. Her heart a garden of kind blossoms for those in need; eyes painted with stardust as the underlying euphoria within her orbs rivaled every constellation; the brush of her fingertips upon yours eliciting a jolt through your heart. In every way imaginable, Mikan was utterly celestial.

⤷ So, with your head held high, you reply with such confidence it’s as though the words that escape your lips are from the heart—in which they are—spoken only to her. “Because you’re beautiful, of course.”

⤷ And it’s words like these that Mikan has noticed you’d chant. Time and time, again, you insist that she’s one-of-a-kind; a treasure truly unforgettable.

⤷ With such frevor, you douse yourself in the mantra of her worth, promising her value is beyond that of what she’s been deluded to. It’s your persistence—your unwavering sense of veracity—that pushes Mikan to believe that perhaps she’s beyond that of a disposable being.

⤷ She’s pushed to believe that perhaps there’s a mutual gratification within your love; she’s not the only one who’d fawned upon the possibility of being wanted, especially by someone of the likes of you. She’s pushed to believe that perhaps the love you’d withheld for her was true.

⤷ A bond—in its entirety—as genuine as the feeling of your hand atop hers within that very moment. Clasping your hands atop hers, you cradle the limb with such an overwhelming amount of care, Mikan couldn’t fight against the quiver of her lips as you tenderly gazed within her eyes.

⤷ Your voice subtle as it barely resonated within the encompass of the café, yet ever-so assertive. Without a fraction of hesitation—gaze unwavering from her own—you allow the Pavlovian words to escape from your lips. Yet, unlike every other moment you’d voiced them, for once, they’re processed.

⤷ Months spent in denial of your fragility towards her; your contrasting tending to her needs; indulging in her wants; smothering her in endless conpliments; lovingly longing gazes cast upon her. After months of having spent within the confines of doubt, it seems that the shackles had finally been broken.

⤷ In that very moment, within the café you’d took the liberty to remember in order to appease to her personal interests, you’d confessed once more; “I love you.” And it’s a confession finally processed by your lavender-eyed lover; a confession finally processed after months of denying the veracity of your love.

⤷ And as you cradled her hands within your own, the ever-lasting love laced within your eyes as they meet hers, she reciprocates your affections at long-last as the words that doused her lips interlocked with the tears cascading from her eyes. “I love you too.”

[omniswords]

Chronicles of a Parisian Dumbass 18

i'm sorry this is a few days late!! it's been real Headless Chicken time around here for a number of reasons, but, here you go!

this chapter is also known as, "LUKANETTE SHIPPERS COME GET Y'ALL JUICE: Part 1"

to: Marinette hey… um. hey. just. checking if you’re okay. those postcards came out beautiful.

from: Marinette shouldn’t i be asking you that?

to: Marinette i’ll live. i’m a Couffaine, “chaos” is practically my middle name. …so… how can i pay you? cash? one of those money apps?

from: Marinette just get better 😊 that’s all.

Getting better shouldn’t feel like such a tall order. But like with other affairs, Luka will just say it’s his fault and call it a night.

It only takes a few days for his knee to go from “bulging, throbbing mess” to “sort of tolerable,” and he doesn’t understand how the time is so annoying and yet so relieving. He has to call out of work because there’s no way they—or Juleka— will let him bike or even hobble around Paris with an injury like that. But it opens up his schedule for more band practice. And more chances to talk to Bubbles. Or, more accurately, convince Bubbles that he can still hold his own and shred the setlist to pieces.

And yeah, he tries his hand at perfecting Marinette’s song, but it barely comes out any better. Whatever melody is swirling in his head sounds wrong on paper, and even worse on guitar. Checking the posts of his drafts doesn’t help, either; the likes and comments and reposts have mostly come to a halt, no matter how many times he bumps the latest version to the top of his profile.

He thinks, for the most part, that it’s doomed to live in his head forever. And he hates it. Hates that it doesn’t sound right or good. Hates that he’ll never get to share what he really hears, what he really feels... with anyone.

The best he can manage is hopping on the metro, with his guitar and his amp and his busking license tied around the belt loop of his jeans, and finding just the right stone ledge or just the right bench at the bridge with the padlocks. Sometimes he doodles, strums out whatever comes to mind and hopes it resonates with someone. Some then he takes requests or plays fan favorites, the kind that earns him a smile or even an extra euro in his case.

He’s got to make the money somehow.

One time, he plays by the fountain at the Place des Vosges. For the parents who need something to tide them over while their children ask for balloons and skin their elbows and ride the carousel one too many times. He thinks about angles, and hearing colors, and pear tarts fresh from the oven, and business cards that look like flyers. He thinks about the color blue, too. Ocean blue. But he doesn’t play it. He’ll save it for a better occasion, when he’s not weighed down with cutting deals and combing through backstory that he’s not quite sure he’ll ever earn. When he’s not thinking about Marinette dropping a few coins in his case at the padlock bridge and almost looking guilty about it.

He shakes his head and gathers his paltry earnings for the day into the side pocket of his gig bag, stretches his leg to see if it’s worth putting weight on again. It doesn’t protest too much, thank God; at least he’ll be home before it gets too dark. But the sound of music stops him once he crosses the street. A radio. And it’s playing outside.

And it’s just over his head.

It takes him one moment to realize he’s stopped in front of Tom & Sabine’s, and another to look up. There is Marinette, watering some flowers in a box and resting her chin in her hand. Humming along to the music. when she meets his eyes, it sounds like her. Like exactly what he’s been looking for. Good, and right, and perfect.

And... sad.

The one thing Luka’s grateful for is that he wasn’t standing there long. Instead of fear or panic, he’s only caught up in mild surprise, and to his relief, so is Marinette. He readjusts his weight on his good leg, and he manages a wave with his free hand. “You know,” he says with a weak laugh, “we really gotta stop meeting like this.”

The smile Marinette gives him in return is just as sad as her humming, but harder to read. He doesn’t know if it’s telling her she agrees or disagrees, or if she doesn’t want him to go. Or if it’s something else entirely, something he’s not a part of. “Hey,” she says, leaning over the balcony to get a better look at him. Or maybe just at his leg.

He glances down at it, gives it a little shake, and shrugs in the face of the urge to wince. “It’ll be fine,” he says as nonchalantly as he can. “I’ll be back at work in a day or two. But, y’know... let me know if you’d rather I go busk somewhere else.”

Which, he’ll admit, is code for, let me know if you don’t want to see me anymore. He’s given her enough reasons for her to feel that way.

If Marinette’s somehow waded through to the real meaning of it, she doesn’t show it, and Luka doesn’t know if that’s a good thing. Instead, she leans over to pause her music, brushes her hair out of her eyes, and says, “Do you... wanna come upstairs?”

Well.

He wasn’t expecting that.

Luka can’t get any words out, so all he does is nod dumbly and limp toward the side door. On a better day, he might have been able to scale the bakery and hop over the balcony railing, if all his work on the Liberty is anything to go by. But maybe his guitar wouldn’t necessarily appreciate that. And neither would Mr. Dupain or Mrs. Cheng; he’d probably scare them half to death. Not to mention that maybe this is the sort of stunt reserved for Actually Cool People, and Luka is only ever Actually Cool in the recesses of his imagination or with a guitar in his hands.

Marinette meets him by the side door and lets him in with barely a sound. It doesn’t seem like she’s trying to sneak him in, the way she might have if they were in high school. If she might have even pulled off something like that in high school. But they slip into the apartment with Marinette’s whispered explanation that her father’s closing up shop and her mother’s getting ready for a dinner date. It reminds him, as they head to her room and she shows him how to hoist up onto the balcony, of all the dates his ma tried to go on. And how one day, she just stopped trying, and didn’t shed a tear over it.

Maybe, he thinks as he leaps up on the weight of one leg, he’s built for something like that. Or should be.

Marinette lets him take the deck chair so he can rest his leg, despite his weak insistence that he’s fine. She doesn’t go back to watering the flowers, or even leaning on the railing and giving the city that wistful look he thought was only reserved for Adrien Agreste. Instead, she sits cross-legged on the floor, and she watches him, never lingering on one part of him for too long. Like she’s expecting him to say something. Maybe it’s payback, in the end, for all the times she must have caught him.

“Hey,” he finally says to break through the quiet. “That song you were listening to... Can you play it again?”

She jolts to attention then, nods without a word, makes a grab for her phone. With a few taps, the song bleeds to life with a few piano notes, the rise of a few violins, the thrum of a cello. Luka thinks he’s heard this before, once. The words are all in English, so he doesn’t quite know what they’re saying. All he knows is the blue. It’s electric, it’s swelling in his chest, buzzing under his skin, closing his eyes. It sounds...

Like the ocean.

Like a world Marinette’s pulling him into. Her world. And he’s stepping into it. Just for a while. Or like, perhaps, just for that while, they’re meeting in the middle.

She must know what the song is about. She can wade through the colors and the sound, right to the words, as she sings to herself in accented English, as her voice dips low but not quite low enough, as her breath snags on the notes it can’t hold for very long. Maybe that’s why she seems so sad. Or maybe it’s something else.

“That song sounds like your eyes,” he says once the violins fade. It sounds like what I’ve been looking for.

Marinette looks at him like he’s lost his mind, and maybe he has. But there’s a softness to it. Like maybe no one’s ever said anything like that to her before. Like, secretly, she’d spent years wishing someone would. “What?”

“Oh, uh. It’s...” He can’t tell if it’s the music, or the evening sky, or Marinette that’s making it hard to snap back to himself. Maybe it’s all three. “It’s... that sound-color thing I told you about—”

“No, I—I figured.” Marinette fumbles as she turns down the volume. He hardly thought her the type, but she does it like it’s something she’s done for ages. Like she’s tapping into someone she used to be. “You... think about my eyes?”

Luka can feel his face burning, his stomach lurching. He’s overthinking, he knows it, but somehow it doesn’t feel wrong for him to say, “I’ve been trying to get them right for a long time.”

She gives him a confused look at first, but understanding cracks across her face once he unzips his gig bag, sets up the amp, and sets his guitar in his lap.

“Can you play it again?” he asks. It’s quiet, and unsure, but there’s a tinge of hope to it. “I want to get it right.”

Marinette’s eyes go wide, and her cheeks turn pink under the delicate string lights. It seems like she holds onto her breath for longer than she means to, but she nods, and she does that fumbling thing again as she reaches for her phone. Once those first piano notes trickle out, she looks to him expectantly. That’s all it takes for his fingers to find the strings. For his heart to find that ocean blue. He doesn’t quite copy the melody note for note; instead, he finds the little pockets where his music fits, and he makes it sound a little fuller. A little more like her.

Maybe it’s not perfect. But it’s good enough.

Somewhere along the way, Luka closed his eyes, and when he opens them again, he finds Marinette sitting closer—just across from him, in fact. She’s huddled up with her chin on her knees, all but marveling at him in silence. When she finally speaks, it’s after she’s paused the next song, and it’s only to breathe, “Wow.”

Luka’s not feeling particularly flirtatious; actually, the most he does is laugh sheepishly and rub the back of his neck. “I’m not so good with words,” he says. “But music gets me pretty close to what I want to say. So… maybe I was wrong about not having an angle. Maybe my thing is playing people.”

Marinette snaps out of it long enough to laugh, all breath, and say, “Where I’ve been, that sounds an awful lot like you’re a con man.”

“I’m not a con man, I mean... what people sound like. Their hearts, or... the parts of them that are most beautiful. That sound like that”— he gestures toward the speaker, and then up to the sky—”or remind us that... whatever we’re made of, it came from up there. Somewhere. That’s what I wanna think about, when I play…”

He catches himself and goes silent, but Marinette’s already giving him a meaningful look, teeth sinking into her lip. Somewhere along the line, her face went right to scarlet.

“Me,” she says. “That’s what you were playing in the park. Me.”

Luka doesn’t know how much of him has been discovered, but he keeps quiet all the same. He won’t give any more of himself away. It’s only as he’s about to apologize—for what, he’s not entirely sure—that Marinette cuts him off.

“Look, I… I need to tell you about something.”

He grips his guitar more tightly, because his phone is too far out of reach, and all the alarm bells go off.

[oopsabird]

Do you know of any masterposts of things to do to cheer up. I got triggered by something earlier today and I'm struggling and I'm not in a place where "validating words" help

Hi anon. I’m sorry to hear you’re not having a great day. I don’t tend to usually operate as an advice blog (and am not planning to start), but I do also LOVE giving advice, and while I don’t have a masterpost, I think I have some tips that may help you out.

My go-to process when I need to make my brain switch emotional tracks from a state of distress is usually a combination of one or more of these three strategies:

1) I do a Five Things Countdown or other mental centering exercise.

You can find the instructions right here. Sometimes I replace the “one thing you can taste” observation with an affirmation that is counter to my feelings of distress, such as making myself list “one thing that made me smile this week” or “one thing I like about myself” or “one thing I am proud of about myself”.

Take your time, give each observation a few seconds to really sink in, and practice deep, measured breathing while you do so.

Going into a little mental descriptive detail about the objects you observe can also help it feel more concrete (ex: “I see a vase, it is blue with green spirals on it, and holds eight pink flowers and five white ones”), and really slow the world down and ground you to it.

2) I journal out my thoughts or how I am feeling.

I have an actual journal notebook for this, but you can also use the Notes app on your phone, a word doc, a random piece of paper, whatever. The most important thing is to not censor yourself and to simply unload this train of thought you can’t stop having into an external space, which helps process it.

Don’t let shame govern what you write during this exercise — nobody ever has to read these thoughts but you.

If you want, you can then symbolically dispose of the thoughts by ripping up the page, deleting the note, etc, if it makes you feel better. Can be very cathartic!

3) Finally, I put on some kind of audio or visual media which makes me laugh or smile.

This is the “cheer me up” stage. Sometimes I will just skip right to this step if I need an IMMEDIATE mood intervention. The audio/visual nature of this is important for me personally because I find it helps to choose something that is going to play itself out without needing any effort or active engagement on my part — I can just sit there and it happens.

My personal go-to’s for this purpose are upbeat music, standup comedy (especially old favourites that reliably make me laugh every time, like John Mulaney’s special The Comeback Kid, or his Salt & Pepper Diner bit), or my favourite top-tier side-splitting Vine compilations. You will know best what is funny to you personally, however I personally ALWAYS at least chuckle a little at this nonsense (cw: shouting).

The intent with this step is that now that you have centered yourself and processed your thoughts, you want to distract and kick-start your brain into moving on to a different emotional state. In my experience, laughter in particular is GREAT for that, because it creates all kinds of endorphins and it’s hard to think of anything else when laughing your ass off. If you decide to go with upbeat music, consider giving in to the urge to dance should it arise!

If you feel up to it, do some colouring, doodling, or some other kind of physical task while this is happening, to better engage your hands/body and the rest of your brain (cooking food and cleaning stuff is good for this, as are stim toys or physical exercise). Do this “audio-visual stimulation” step for as long as it takes to shift your mood or occupy your time until sleep.

Bonus item: having music on throughout the first two steps can really help to fill the space between your thoughts with something ongoing that has a set emotional tone. That tone can be whatever you feel like you need during this time (stuff that makes you sad, stuff that makes you happy, whatever!).

Anyway, I hope this helps, Anon! 💜

This is just my personal set of what I’ve found to be the most effective quick-intervention strategies. Followers, what do you use to shift yourself out of a crummy emotional state?

PS: When it comes to longer-term responses to Bad Days that are good to have in your back pocket, I’d like to talk a bit about my Baseline Recovery checklist that I made. However, that will make a long post even longer, so I will put that part under the cut for those who are interested.

This is a checklist that I made, which I activate on days when I realize that whatever plans I had for the day have been thrown off-track by one kind of depressive spiral or another. You know, the days where you just feel like a lethargic grimy slug, and realize you haven’t moved or looked up from your phone in six hours, and everything is Garbage but it feels like you can’t get out of that cycle bc you haven’t done any self-care all day? I call that fugue state “Slug Mode”. ADHD brain tricks me into it all the time, especially during the pandemic! Often enough that I decided to make an escape plan for it.

The Baseline Recovery list is designed to step-by-step build me back up to a semi-functional state, by starting with small, simple tasks which are also the most essential for my wellbeing, and then building towards more complex objectives. The goal is to “recover to a healthy baseline state”, hence the title.

Each step puts me in a better space to accomplish the step after it — for example, having water to drink allows me to take my meds, and eating literally anything will give me the energy to get up and do some basic personal hygiene. They build on top of each other like a pyramid.

Even if I only complete two or three steps before going back into Slug Mode, I will still be better off physically and mentally than when I hadn’t done any of the steps at all. That’s why I broke “hygiene” and “food” down into two levels — the first level of each one is very basic “survival mode” stuff, and is based on prioritizing fuel for my body and basic physical comfort/cleanliness, while the second levels are more energy-intensive and “optional”, but have long-term benefits. Even if I don’t manage to shower, brushing my teeth and taking a piss and wiping my face with a baby wipe are still important wins. And even if I don’t consume a single vegetable in this whole process, eating the Pringles from my bedside drawer will still give me more calories to fuel me than I had in my body before.

I also allow myself to skip Sleep, Healthy Food and Level 2 hygiene and go right to Make A Task List if this is the kind of day where time demands we speedrun things, or if I know that I am only going to have the energy for very very basic self-care today and will overwhelm myself by trying something harder. And that’s fine! The point of the list is to ease myself gradually back into the steps of existing. I give myself grace and I am patient with myself.

It doesn’t have to look like this, but I would recommend taking some time when you are in a “good” mental state and writing out a plan you can put into action when you need to bounce back from a bad day. Your list might include steps for mindfulness or emotion management, or anything else you find is any important part of getting your groove back. I have mine laminated and keep it on my bedside table, so that it’s within arm’s reach when I need it. Perhaps a pocket index card, or a note on your phone, might be a more useful format to you!

Trying to plan your way out of a bad mental state when you’re in the middle of it can feel like you’re Sisyphus pushing his boulder up the hill, only to have it roll back down on him. Having a plan ahead of time that you can put into action on autopilot with minimal effort is a lifesaver, would definitely recommend!

Again, I hope this was helpful to you, and I hope your day improves, or that tomorrow is better for you. 💜

[thecomfywriter]

How I Overcame My Writers Block

Hey y’all! This is an original post, so make sure to tag me @thecomfywriter if you want to repost it anywhere or whatever lol. Hope this helps!

Writer’s Block sucks. It’s the bane of a writer’s existence and the enemy of creativity. When it comes, it’s draining and makes it near impossible to be productive with writing. So how do we overcome writer’s block to make sure we get our WIP’s done? FEAR NOT, for I am here with advice on what I personally did to overcome my writer’s block.

1. Change your medium

I’ve never seen this advice anywhere before, which is odd because it legit saves me every. single. time. I like to write on my laptop, typing away at a google doc. Sometimes, it becomes tiring and I get burnt out, especially with online school also being on docs. Instead, what I like to do is change up my creative medium. whether that means handwriting my WIP 94 switching my online school to notebooks so i ONLY use my computer whenever I want to type my book, separating my mediums helps associate one with creativity, and really does allow a switch up.

If you always type up your work, trying switching it up for a day or two, or however long you need! Take a notebook or a blank sheet of paper and just write a scene of your book. Maybe a random scene, maybe continue the scene you were already working on. Maybe write your poetry in a fancy calligraphy font by hand, with doodles on the side. Changing the medium has seriously cured my writer’s block in most cases, so I definetly recommend you give it a shot.

2. Change the font

So maybe you don’t wanna bust out a whole new notebook to write a scene. Maybe you hate the hand cramping. I feel you. Tip, if you’re continuing to type: change the font.

You can be drastic with this, or subtle. Drastic would be if you had Times New Roman before, go to Architect’s Daughter next. I prefer subtle, where I’d probably go to Bookman instead, or Arabic Typesetter. Its distinct enough that I can tell the difference, not enough to extinguish my desire to write because of how much it burns my eyes.

I think this helps because it changes things up a bit. Give us something new to look at, so it doesn’t feel like the same old page you’ve been staring at for weeks.

3. Other Creative Outlets

Okay, I have mixed reviews on this one. Normally, this one works for me, but as of recently, I’ve actually had to limit my other creative outlets instead of increase them in order to get back into writing. Let me explain what it is first.

What’s your favourite scene in your WIP? Has it happened yet? DOESN’T MATTER. Sketch it out! Doodle! Make a fan edit of it lol. Make a moodboard. Find or make a playlist dedicated to that ONE scene. Daydream about that scene! Re-enact it! Inspire your creativity again in another form.

I have fully drawn a scene from my book that doesn’t happen until two books later. It doesn’t have to be a coming scene, or something that already happened. It doesn’t even have to be a scene! Draw your characters! Make them moodboards and aesthetic pages, or bingo cards! Let yourself connect with your WIP in a way that doesn’t involve words. You’ll be surprised how passionate you can become when you take that break from the doc.

The only reason this didn’t work for me this time as opposed to others is because I was using my daydreaming as a method of procrastination. Instead, what I did is, everytime I started daydreaming about my writing, I shut the thought up and gave myself an ultimatum: you rather write it down right now or you forget about it in general.

Can’t tell you how flooded my notes app is now ;)

4. Reread Your Work

UNLESS YOU DO THIS TO PROCASTINATE (me calling myself out right now LOL) PLEASE, REREAD YOUR WORK.

If you lack inspiration, rereading what you’ve done so far kind of reminds you why you fell in love with your work to begin with. It reminds me why I started this project in the first place. And lowkey, it shames me into finishing lol. I reach the end and it’s abruptly ends and i’m like “NOOO i need i read more. Whelp, time to write.”

But yeah. When we write for so long, we disassociate ourselves from our work and become overwhelmed in the words. Reconnect with your writing in the perspective of a reader. Let yourself experience your world by immersing yourself into it. A lot of the time, I find I actually start to understand my world and characters better when I do that. It becomes easier to write because not only to I have inspiration, but it’s almost like the characters start to write themselves.

Think of how the readers/audience usually understand the text better than the writers sometimes. It’s because they’ve been observing the world and paying attention to the details by immersing themselves into it. Let yourself develop that connection. Seriously. Reread your work. Appreciate it. Let it motivate you.

5. Change the tense/perspective

This may not work for everyone, but it’s what got me out of my rut. I was writing in first person, present tense. I continued the scene in a different colour in third person past tense.

Holy shit the way I zoomed through that scene.

I’ll be honest— I have NO idea why that worked. Lol, thought I’d just share it anyways.

Anyways, that’s all I have for today! Hope this helps guys! Let me know if you want more writing tips or longer posts like this! 🥀 ✨

Happy Writing! ♥️

[student-by-day]

back-to-school tools

‘tis the season again, so here are some handy websites and browser extensions i’ve discovered over the past few years that’ll hopefully make this year a bit easier for you. i’m taking high-school-level classes, but a lot of these should help with college/uni work, too!

feel free to reblog and add your own recommendations :)

the only ones you have to install and/or sign up for have an asterisk, but note that they’re all free either way.

L A N G U A G E   A R T S

planet ebook

this is my go-to for digital (and legal!) classic literature. i download the pdf files and upload them to places like one note to annotate, but epub and mobi versions are also available if you prefer those. no need to break your back over hauling textbooks and your required readings!

audible stories

this doesn’t have the widest selection of audio books, but it definitely has its uses! there are a lot of classics on there, which could come in handy for a literature or english class.

easybib

this is the best citation tool ever. i love that i can choose which style i want to use and what kind of media i’m researching with (books, journals, websites, etc.). if i need to, i can go in and edit any (citation) category i want, but that isn’t usually necessary because it can find stats that even i can’t while looking at the source. enter some info, copy ‘n paste the works cited list to your paper, and you’re done!

i recommend the web version and not the google docs add-on because the add-on doesn’t let you customize your citations

gradeproof* or grammarly*

these are both grammar/spelling checkers that provide plenty of stats, which are most useful for speeches. you can use these to see your character count, word count, number of sentences, syllables per word, words per sentence, readability, grade level, reading time, speaking time, etc.

wordcounter

this is a great alternative if you can’t/don’t want to install gradeproof or grammarly.

powerthesaurus

this is my go-to thesaurus... it has a ton of features if you go on the website (it’s not just for synonyms, though those are seemingly endless!). plus, if i don’t want to open a new tab, i can use the extension in my toolbar to see a brief list!

just a word of caution: look up any words you don’t know (because if you go far enough down the list, they’re not completely relevant anymore).

onelook

i use this reverse dictionary to find the word that’s on the tip of my tongue but i just can’t name (though it has a lot more features than that!).

cueprompter

this is the perfect teleprompter for any speeches you need to record (maybe for an online graduation? a virtual debate?).

xodo*

this is a great digital annotation tool (right in your browser) for those of you who don’t have an app like goodnotes on your ipad. you can upload files from your google drive, your device, or dropbox and draw on them, type notes, add comments, highlight, choose different underline patterns, add shapes/arrows, etc. all while customizing opacity, thickness, and colors. you’re also able to zoom in/out, change page width, rotate the page, change your layout (pdf, book, magazine), and choose a transition style.

A R T

canva*

i love this site to death---if you haven’t heard of it yet, what are you doing?? i can design everything from a resume to a powerpoint to a school dance flyer on this thing! there are beautiful templates to choose from, but if that’s not your thing (it isn’t mine either), then there are millions of photos, doodles, graphics, fonts, borders, backgrounds, etc. to choose from. plus, you can even upload your own content. (i designed the header for this post on there!)

F O R E I G N   L A N G U A G E S

typeit

i hate having to remember all the keyboard shortcuts for special characters, so i just copy and paste from this international keyboard. choose a language, and you’re good to go. :)

audible stories

did i put this in two different categories? yes. audible stories has free audio books in english, spanish, french, german, portuguese, italian, dutch, and japanese! i recommend finding a children’s audiobook on there in your target language and pulling up an ebook online so you can improve your listening and comprehension skills. there’s no need to download any content, and it still saves your spot (even once you close the tab), which is a lifesaver!

duolingo*

i think we all know by now that this site is good for practicing your sentence-writing skills and gaining a little extra vocab. keep in mind that this only helps if you take notes on your mistakes and type answers out yourself as opposed to mindlessly clicking through multiple choice questions! duolingo stories are also great for working on your listening comprehension skills and some immersion.

linguno*

i use this site for conjugations because that’s its main asset, but there are other things you can look into if you like. i love that i can choose a section and a level (ex: a1 level one, a1 level two, a1 level three, etc.) or add my own list of words. the rest is super customizable too! you can also choose which tenses you want to work on and what set of pronouns you want to focus on (for example, european spanish uses “vosotros” while latin american spanish does not).

S C I E N C E

molview

build your own molecules or search ones that already exist to explore what they’re used for, their structure, their composition, 2-d/3-d models, formulas, molecular weight, etc.

ptable

this dynamic periodic table has a million features for each element, which makes it perfect for researching and figuring out why the table is laid out the way it is.

phet

this is basically a virtual stem lab---atom-builders, circuit-builders, wave simulations, and interactive tools galore! it covers physics, chemistry, biology, math, and html5, though i’ve only used first three categories, so i can’t exactly recommend the others.

M A T H

geogebra or desmos

these babies are graphing tools perfect for checking functions and all that jazz (they’re basically the exact same except geogebra has a couple more bells and whistles).

symbolab

use this to check your answers and review the steps if you’re stuck! when it gets into some nitty-gritty stuff, you have to have the paid plan to see some of the steps, but i think it’s helpful enough that you can stick with the free version. it covers pre-alg, alg, pre-calc, calc, functions, matrices & vectors, geometry, trig, stats, physics, chem, finance, conversions, etc. (i use this to avoid silly mistakes and the ixl rage that follows haha).

mathway*

this is very similar to symbolab except that it doesn’t show any steps at all unless you pay for a plan. you can use this for basic math, pre-alg, alg, trig, pre-calc, calc, stats, finite math, etc. as a cross-checker in case symbolab is being funky.

[paullahotes]

Incalescent- Chapter Two

Pairing: Paul Lahote x Fem!OC

Summary: Em just wants to be loved and have a family for once in her life. But nothing has ever gone right in her life before so why should it now?

Word Count: 7.6k

Warnings: semi-abuse from father figure, gross feelings

A/N: Listen, I don’t think I’m a good writer so this could be terrible! Let me know what you guys think of it!

Three periods had crawled by, each one continuously going slower than the last. I was now sitting in my algebra class, watching the clock tick by slowly. This school was shaping up to be different than the others I had been to, everyone wanted to know me here. A couple different boys, whose names I didn’t remember, had all introduced themselves to me. They were all eager to meet the new girl, they rarely got new people in this town and I was ‘front page baby’. Of course I was not too eager to meet any of them and vehemently denied an interview for the front page of the school newspaper.

When I had gotten home this morning before school, my dad wasn’t there but the house was a mess. Our couch was shredded, pieces of wood and clumps of foam covered the living room. The pan he was cooking dinner in was burnt to a crisp, too far gone to be saved. When I threw it out I made sure to double bag it and bring it right to the can to make sure the smell didn’t linger in the house. The only thing I could do for the rest of the smell in the house was open a few windows and leave them for the day to air everything out. 

Thankfully Emily had given me a new outfit and food for school because I had no time for either when I looked around at the mess before me. Though, currently the wolves were the last things on my mind. The one thing at the forefront was that I had killed my mother and my father hated me for it. There would be no getting out of talking about this with him, maybe he would want to work things out. I knew though that that was far fetched, in his mind, I had killed the woman he loved. I had sucked the life out of her, leaving her dead and me a burden on him. My face practically mirroring hers a constant reminder of the tragic events.

“Miss Abbott?” The teacher called from the front of the class, his hoarse voice pulling me from the self hating thoughts. He was staring me down, waiting for a reply so I shrugged at him. The class was turned looking at me now, every pair of eyes trained on my face. “Miss Abbott, you’re new here, so I’ll give you some leeway this time but from now on you have better be paying attention.”

“Yes, sir,” I muttered back copying down the notes from the board that I had been neglecting. I had already taken this math class three times, I could probably teach it by now. Taking the notes however proved to be a good distraction from my thoughts and before I knew it, the bell was ringing for lunch time.

Paper bag in hand I made my way to the cafeteria and found a table in the corner that no one was sitting at. I sat in a seat so I wouldn’t be facing everyone but so I could still see if I was going to be ambushed by anyone. The few boys who introduced themselves to me this morning all stared me down as they say at a different table. I could hear them muttering about how anti social I was and how even Bella, who had ditched everyone for Edward, was still better than I was coming off. 

I didn’t think much of it as I propped my right leg up on a chair, to help with the swelling from the bite from Paul and scrolled through the apps on my phone. The lunch Emily packed me was delicious, with a good mix of veggies and fruit. I usually bought school lunch and picked at it because it was gross so this was a good change. There was nothing interesting on my phone except for a few texts from my dad begging me to come home and apologizing but I wasn’t ready to open up that can of worms over text with him.

“You’re back!” someone said, sarcasm was practically dripping from their mouth. When I looked up one of the girls sitting at the tables with the boys from earlier was looking at some newcomers. If looks could kill the three new people who were standing waiting for seats would be dead. 

Two of them were clearly vampires, the small girl with black spiky hair had the palest skin I had ever seen, even for a vampire. She had a sincere smile on her beautiful face, looking as upbeat as ever even with a whole table of people glaring at her The other vampire was a guy, he was standing behind the vampire girl and the other human girl. He was wearing a beige sweater and khakis, his hair disheveled but there was evidence of gel suggesting he wanted to look disheveled on purpose. 

The third one of them was a human, if she didn’t have deep brown eyes instead of golden like her two companions I might mistake her for a vampire too. Her skin was so pale it was almost grey. Her long brown hair hung over her shoulders, held back by a plain brown headband. She kept looking up at the male vampire like he was a Greek god with the sun shining out of his butt. He seemed very plain to me, with his beige outfit and brooding look on his face. He looked like he was ready to cry and recite poetry about something sad.

“Our family just loves Forks so much, we couldn’t stay away!” the small girl said excitedly, taking a seat at the table. Her two friends following suit while everyone else at the table shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The rest of the group fell back into their conversations, the girl who was fake excited turned away from the newcomers to talk with everyone.

The table next to me began talking about the three people who showed up at the other table across the cafeteria. One of the people whispered something about doctor Cullen’s wife not liking the big city so they all came back here. The word ‘cult’ was thrown in as a reference to their family because none of them ate or really tried interacting with anyone at this school. I found out from eavesdropping that there were three other siblings that came here last year but graduated. I wondered to myself if Sam and Paul knew that the Cullens were back since just this morning, they told me that they had left.

I studied the two vampires as they pretended to eat their lunch. The girl picked her food apart trying to make it seem like she was taking bites but the guy was actually taking bites. I’d seen my dad eat food to pretend to be human over the years but he said it tasted like ashes. He told me that he assumed the venom in his system just burned it up so why not just take a few bites to blend in with the humans. 

The human girl with them also picked at her food not eating it. Maybe she was trying to make the vampires look more normal or maybe she wanted to be one so bad she picked up their habits evan as a human. One of the boys called her ‘Bella’ as she was picking apart the bread on her tray. This was the girl they were talking about earlier, comparing me to her. Which would probably make the guy vampire Edward. 

My first thought when finding out that this was the girl everyone thought was better than me was petty. She was plain and from what I could tell didn’t give a damn about anyone else besides the vampires she was with. She was listening and contributing to the conversation with everyone at the table but her eyes barely left the guy. The whole thing gave me secondhand embarrassment.

It wasn’t too long until the bell rang and I was heading to my next class. I pulled my hood over my head to keep my hair from getting wet as I crossed the courtyard to get to the little buildings scattered along a paved sidewalk. This was the first school I had been to where it wasn’t one whole building but a bunch of little ones placed around a campus. Everyone rushed alongside me, most had umbrellas and the ones that didn’t, ran full speed through the crowd to get to their class faster. 

I left my jacket on the coat hook by the door when I got to class and found a seat toward the back so that I could be left alone. The assignment for the beginning of class was written on the board, the rest of the class had started writing about it in their journals so I pulled out my notebook. Writing isn't my strong suit but the prompt on the board read ‘write a narrative about something upsetting’ and I knew exactly what to write about.

While I was writing my narrative I glanced up as two people sat at the desks in front of me. Bella and Edward were sitting there, both turned facing each other with their notebooks out. She was glancing over at him every few seconds and I could hear her breathing hitch every time. I had to suppress an eye roll at the sight of it. Sure I had been lonely my whole life but I couldn’t imagine being that into someone. Though how would I even know since I’d never been in that situation. 

The class got started and a couple people shared what they had written. I didn’t volunteer to read mine because of how emotional it sounded. Bella and Edward didn’t volunteer either and every once in a while I thought I could see Edward turn and glance my way. After the first couple times Bella noticed and turned back to me and gave me a questioning look. I made sure I looked like I didn’t know what was going on and just sat there doodling in my notebook.

“Are you new?” she asked me when the bell rang, signalling us to leave and head to our last class. This school and everyone in it was going wildly out of their way to talk to me and I wasn’t having it.

“Yeah,” I told her bluntly and quickly walked away. I grabbed my jacket off the hook and shrugged it on going to my last class. I got there before everyone else, having sped off as fast as I could. I could feel my calf throbbing as I sat down. The bite mark wasn’t an open wound anymore but the teeth outline was still there surrounded by bruises. If I didn’t think about it the pain would go away but since I was reminded of it I had to limp to my seat.

I found a seat in the back of this class as well, internally thanking the universe for giving me the best seats as this school. As I sat at my desk waiting for the other students to arrive I stared out the window.  The rain had subsided for the time being, the sky still covered in dark clouds. The day had gone much different weather wise than what it had been this morning when Paul was walking me home.

The early morning sun was peeking through the trees as Paul and I walked side by side to my house. His hand kept bumping into my arm as we went. I had seen a couple cheesy movies where the boy and girl would be walking and the boy would bump his hand into hers on purpose because he wanted to hold it. But Paul and I had just met. He was probably so close because my leg was threatening to give out at any second. Emily had thankfully cleaned and bandaged it well so I wouldn’t have to worry about it for a couple hours. 

The walk back through the forest was different than last nights run through it. It had been dark and stormy, a combo that hadn’t let me really appreciate how beautiful it was. Though my mental state probably wouldn’t have let me appreciate it either even if it hadn’t been dark and stormy. 

The scenery was gorgeous. The entire forest floor was covered in old fallen tree trunks and moss. The green had overwhelmed me on the drive in but being here with the sunlight peeking through the tops of the trees was amazing. You could hear birds chirping and if you listened close enough you could hear the river rushing over rocks a little ways ahead.

Paul nudged me and smirked as we approached the river. My mouth set into a tight line as I thought of having to jump over it with how badly my leg hurt. I frowned up at him and he still had a smirk on his face. 

“Do you think I’d make you jump this after trying to take a chunk out of your leg?” He asked me, his eyes twinkling with delight. 

“Yeah, actually,” I mumbled back to him. His smile was so bright as he looked down at me. He shook his head and stepped back a bit before putting his thumbs in the waistband of his shorts and pulling them down. I looked away quickly as blush spread over my cheeks.

“You should watch this, I think you’ll think it’s cool,” I peeked back over at him making sure not to look down but directly at his face. His smile grew wider as he spoke again. “You’re cute when you blush.”

My face got even redder than before, I could feel the heat spreading across my face rapidly. Before I could even think of anything to say and let alone say it, Paul was visibly shaking. Then suddenly he exploded into a grey wolf five times his size. I stood there with my jaw practically on the ground. He grabbed his shorts in his teeth and walked them over to me.

“You were right, this is pretty cool,” I told him patting his head like I would a regular dog. He didn’t seem to like it so he nudged my hand out of the way and flung his shorts at my face. “Alright, alright I’ll carry these but I don’t know how you being a wolf is going to get me across the river.”

Paul laid down on the ground and gestured with his head for me to get on his back. My eyes widened and I took a step back and muttered ‘no way’ quietly. Then before I could do anything else Paul jumped up and ran at me full speed. I let out a shriek as he charged at me and jumped, my leg kept me from going to high and I was suddenly on his back. A low rumble from his chest alerted me to him laughing. 

“I’ll remember this,” I growled at him, gripping onto his fur. The wind whipped passed up as he ran forward, faster than I could run even when my leg was healed. I made a mental note to work on my speed so he wouldn’t have an edge on me. We got to the edge of the river quickly and he leaped across it like it was nothing, landing gracefully on the other side. 

“So how’d you like it?” Paul asked smugly a few moments later as he was pulling on his pants. It had been such a rush not being the one who was jumping. I was able to just sit back and let the wind whip through my hair and relax. Him turning into a wolf was pretty cool too, way better than being half vampire.

“It was alright, I’m glad I’m half vampire and can’t turn into some dog,” I tried ending my sentence sounding like I was teasing him. I wasn’t used to feeling anything but empty. I had never come close to even a sliver of happiness. The feelings I felt being around Paul and the feelings I felt back when we were at Sam and Emily’s house were foreign. My life had never known anything like this and as my stomach turned itself into knots I knew it couldn’t last forever.

“I know that you secretly wish you were as cool as me,” He taunted me, the bright smile back on his face. I tried not to look directly at him now that I knew I would blush at everything he did if he had that smile. 

“Please, I could find someone cooler than you without even trying,” I shot back, the words tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop them. This was the longest interaction I had ever had with anyone in my whole life. Even longer than anything with my father. I didn’t even know that I knew how to interact with anyone like this.

“Hey now, you gotta be nice to me or we can’t be friends,” Paul joked back, bumping into me. I looked up at him, my mouth opening then closing because I didn’t know how to respond. The look on my face must have worried him because he grabbed my hand and said, “I was just joking, we just met but I think we’ll be the greatest friends.”

“I’ve never had one…” I mumbled looking up at him. My forehead was furrowed as I looked up at him. It was pretty pathetic that I hadn’t had a friend but it was all part of keeping the family secret.

“You’ve never had a friend?” He asked sounding like he didn’t believe me. I shrugged as we kept walking and didn’t look up at him. 

“My dad never let me have one, he wanted to keep our existence a secret and thought that if I ever had any friends that they would somehow find out about us,” I explained, the more I thought about it the more dumb it sounded. 

“Your father sounds like a dick,” Paul muttered. He was right, that is how my dad sounded. Why else would he keep me from having friends? Why else would he keep me from being happy? Maybe it all went back to him blaming me for my mother dying, though if I could go back in time I would change things. I would never kill anyone consciously, that wasn’t me.

“That doesn’t matter anymore, we’re your friends now!” Paul said trying to pull me out of my thoughts. We were coming to a clearing and Paul slowed down his walk. “The whole pack is like one big family, we fight like real siblings and we have bonfires together. I really think you’ll get along with everyone once they see past you being a vampire.”

“Everyone?” I asked sounding a little uneasy. “There’s more than you and Sam?”

“Yeah! There’s actually ten of us that are wolves, two more phased for the first time the other day which indicates that more vampires are in our area.” He explained to me as I wrung my hands together. There were ten wolves in the ‘pack’ he was telling me about. Less than twelve hours ago I didn’t even know wolves existed and now I knew about ten.

“There’s a lot of you…” I quietly exclaimed. “How do you know when to phase? How can you tell that vampires are near?”

“You’ll have to come out to a bonfire sometime and hear our tribes stories. They explain it all but in short and to quote the stories ‘we have always had magic in our blood’,” Paul explained to me as we walked along somehow even slower than before. Meeting him had been a good distraction from my feelings and the pain in my stomach told me that as soon as I was alone I would spiral.

“That sounds fancy, I don’t think there are stories of how vampires came to be,” I muttered to him. “Though if there were they would probably be dark and contain no magic.”

“Don’t sound so negative about vampires, you aren’t so bad,” he emphasized ‘so’ and wagged his eyebrows at me jokingly. I let out a small chuckle, rolling my eyes at him. 

We made our way out of the thick trees and into my backyard greeted by the sun being out fully. There were no clouds in sight. The warmth spread over my skin and I let myself smile widely. The weather had been disastrous since our arrival yesterday and the sun was a welcome change. 

“You don’t sparkle,” Paul commented from behind me. When I turned to look at him he sounded surprised, the look on his face was priceless.

“I am half human, silly,” I told him. He cocked his head to the side watching me. “Maybe that makes me deadlier than a regular vampire. I look completely innocent.”

“It sure does,” He muttered before shaking his head and giving me a small smile. “I’ll see you later right?”

“Of course, what else do I have to do? Stay home and hang out with my dick of a father?” I asked him referencing what he said earlier. He was beaming now and waved me off. As I turned to walk to my house he was pulling off his shorts again and phasing into a wolf. I heard a loud howl in the distance as I was opening my front door, bringing a smile to my face.

“Miss Abbott,” someone said pulling me out of my daydream. I snapped back into reality and saw that this teacher was catching me for not paying attention too. I stared at him until he spoke some more. “Miss Abbott, I was wondering if you would like to introduce yourself to the class but if you’re too preoccupied don’t let me bother you.”

“My name is Em and I’m new. That’s all you really need to know,” I replied, sounding sarcastic. I didn’t mean for it to come off bad but I was irritated. More so with myself than the teacher who interrupted.

“Great,” He muttered back, the edge in his voice sounding like he was ready to retire any second. None of the students were staring at me this time except for the two who were sitting directly in front of me, again. Bella and Edward stared back at me, both looking different levels of shocked. Edward looked like he was shocked and frustrated. Who knew a vampire could be so uptight about a new student with an attitude problem? 

“Mr. Cullen, one student not paying attention is enough for me for one day,” our teacher called from right beside our desks. I gave the teacher a quick glance and then looked forward to the front of the room where he had our lesson up on the board. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward stiffen and turn around, clearly upset as he clenched his fists.

Besides a few snide whispers among the other students of ‘the new girl must already love Edward’ and ‘god she’s JUST like Bella, amazed by Edward already’, the class went by quickly and I was out the door while the bell was still ringing. The walk home was brutally cold with the wind whipping at my face, numbing it. With the way Edward already seemed interested in me I didn’t want to risk running home and being found out that I was some type of vampire. 

Each step I took brought me new anxiety, that tightened my chest with every breath. There was no doubt that my dad would be home now, waiting for me. I had no idea what to expect from him since everything was on the table now. His mood had changed rapidly during our confrontation that I didn’t even know what to expect from him in that sense when I walked through the door. 

When I turned down the street I lived on I could see the car out front of our house but I couldn’t remember if it had been there this morning or not. If he was home he would know that I was close by now, he could probably hear my footsteps and he could definitely hear me breathing hard. The door to the house swung open as I started up our front steps, he wasn’t there but I could hear him walking in the kitchen. My ears picked up on the soft sound of clothing moving against wood, telling me he had taken a seat at the kitchen table.

Once I was down the hallway and into the kitchen I could see him. He was sitting with his elbows on the table and his hands clasped in front of his face. He didn’t look up when I came into the kitchen or as I took my time placing my backpack on the island and taking my jacket off. I took a seat at the table across from him and sat silently, waiting for him to talk.

“I didn’t mean for you to ever find out about your mother,” he stated after a while of silence. His face was unreadable, blank. This terrified more than if he was showing any emotion at all. 

“Don’t you think it’s unfair of you to have kept that a secret from me? Don’t you think it’s unfair to treat me the way you do? Don’t you think it’s unfair keeping so much from me?” I asked him those questions with a shaky voice. My body felt like it was vibrating, heat spread from my stomach throughout my whole body. I kept myself from crying but the rest of my body was reacting. A slight sweat was building up on the back of my neck and scalp.

“Everything I have ever done was to protect you,” he said a little bit of emotion breaking through. The way he said it made me want to believe him but he had kept me not only from knowing the truth about my mother but also from knowing anything outside of our little bubble. I didn’t want this to keep happening. As much as I hated myself for now knowing what I did to my mother I wasn’t ever going to die so I had an eternity to go out into the world and explore and I wanted to start doing that soon. 

“I can understand that to a point but you’ve never talked about my mother, not once. I didn’t even know what a mother was until you put me in school and I saw that almost everyone else had one. I grew up thinking it was only something in movies, I thought mothers were fictional!” My voice wavered in the end, a few tears spilling out and rolling hotly down my cheek. He sat back, crossing his arms across his chest and looked like he was thinking for a minute.

“You seem to have given this a lot of thought, I guess your little run gave you a lot of time to think,” he was calm now, back to showing no emotion. Though there was a slight edge to his voice. I took in a shaky breath, an indication of how worked up I was about this. 

“I’ve been thinking about having this conversation with you my whole life. Do you know how hard it is to not have friends? How hard it is to have the only real interaction you have be with your father and even those interactions are few and far between?” My voice was beginning to crack with every emotion I had felt over the last twenty-three years coming to the surface. 

 “Em,” he let out a long breath, his eyes almost rolling. “You know how important it is to keep our secret! If anyone found out that we were vampires there would be terrible consequences.”

“How would they find out? What harm would it be for me to have a few friends? Do you think I would go to a sleepover and just tell them I was a vampire? Do you think I introduce myself as ‘Em, the vampire’?” This was when I began to raise my voice. The tears were flowing freely down my face as my father was glaring daggers at me. 

“Do you know how hard it is to have the love of your life taken away by a child that you never even wanted?” He shouted at me, standing up so quickly the table lurched forward and shoved me back. The chair tipped back from the force and I hit the floor, not bothering to use any of my enhanced abilities to stop myself. I was lying on the floor when he continued. “You have no clue what I’ve been going through every single day since you were born. I can barely look at you, your face is just like hers, you remind me of her so much. It’s unfair that you get to live when she’s dead!”

“Why didn’t you kill me then? Why did you let her have me?” I sobbed out, tears blurring my vision so that I couldn’t see anymore. The only thing that could be heard for a while the crying, each hiccup-like intake of breath echoing off the walls. 

“She wouldn’t let me, she wanted you so bad. She wanted to start a family with me. She was so optimistic, she thought she would live and I could turn her into a vampire and we could raise you. The perfect little family that she always wanted and I was willing to give her anything,” his tone was different now, almost like he was crying too but I still couldn’t see him. My tears wouldn’t stop. “I’m going to leave for a while, to give you some time to breathe. You have my cell phone number so if anyone needs you to confirm you have a dad or anything, just call. Follow the rules while I’m gone, I’ll know if you don’t.”

With the last threat he left, the door slamming so hard behind him that the whole house shook. It felt like years before I could calm down and pick myself up off the floor. My body was stiff as I stood up and put the table and chair back where they belonged. That was when my brain decided to rearrange things and not think about or process anything that had just happened. With the couch from the living room destroyed I decided to move some chairs around to make up for it. 

Once the house was completely rearranged and the sun had set, I began to cook my myself some dinner. Though my stomach currently felt like lead I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep at any point tonight if I didn’t eat. When the house began to smell like the food I was cooking, I started to feel better. I let myself breathe the delicious scents in as I stirred my food around the pan.

All the movies and tv shows I had seen over the years told me that this is what your home should always smell like. Your parents should be cooking in the kitchen while the kids are scattered around the house doing homework or other activities. Though I was fully grown now, I had been since I was around 7 years old, but now I was considered a real adult and most people at this age don’t live with their parents anymore. I had never had that and I felt like no matter how many years passed I would still crave a family. 

The loneliness crept back in as I stared down at the suddenly inedible food in the pan. The once delicious smells were making my stomach churn, my nose crinkling in disgust. Before I could even register it I was dumping my food out in the trash and scrubbing the pan violently in the sink. I hadn’t even finished my second day here in Forks and I was crying again, the tears running down my face as I splashed the sink water everyone in anger. 

How could my father do this to me? Why would he spend over two decades with me, raising me, if he hated and resented me so much? He didn’t seem to give a shit about what my mom had wanted since he barely even acknowledged that I was around so he wasn’t doing it for her in any way. 

A sudden knock on the back door pulled me out of my angry thoughts. I jumped at the sound making the soapy water in the sink spill over the edge and on the floor, soaking the bottom of my pants and shoes. The sun had set by now so I couldn’t see out onto my porch but my ears picked up on a rapid heartbeat and a familiar scent was beginning to seep in through the crack in the door. When I flicked on the porch light I was proven right, Paul was standing there soaked from the rain I hadn’t even noticed. I slid the door open silently, letting him in.

“What’s wrong?” His hands came to my face as he asked, palms cupping my cheeks and thumbs wiping my tears away. Part of me knew this behavior was odd from someone I had just met-been attacked by, yesterday. But another part of me wanted to be cared for like this, craved the soft, caring touches. 

“My dad left to give me some space to breathe for a while,” I choked out trying to calm down. Paul pulled me into a hug and I didn’t protest, pressing my cheek to his bare chest. The heat was coming off of him in waves, practically burning my cheek. 

“Maybe this is a good thing,” Paul tried to assure me, rubbing a hand up and down my back while his other was placed on the back of my head. “He is a dick after all.”

We stayed like that for a while, until reality kicked in a told me I shouldn’t be hugging a complete stranger. I couldn’t tell why but I felt a strong pull to Paul. If I had been in my right mind at all yesterday when he was carrying me through the woods or this morning when he walked me home I would’ve realized it earlier. The second he wasn’t touching me a part of me felt empty, having not realized I felt anywhere near whole when we embraced. I hadn’t even know him for a full twenty-four hours yet so I would be keeping these feelings to myself. 

“Are you hungry?” I found myself asking him, gesturing awkwardly to my kitchen. 

“Actually I came to see if you wanted to have dinner at Emily’s,” he told me looking around my kitchen. “You said you were going to come over after you got off of school but you never did. I didn’t have a real reason to come and check on you since we just met yesterday and I shouldn’t be worried so Emily suggested that I come and invite you to dinner.”

“I’m sorry, I totally forgot about it with everything that happened when I got home,” my cheeks flushed, the heat pooling in them immediately.  Maybe my dad kept me from having friends because he knew I’d be a terrible one. 

“Don’t even worry about it, I just really wanted to see you again,” he said the last part unsurely, like he didn’t know that he should actually confess that. His cheeks turned a little red after he spoke and he rubbed a hand awkwardly on the back of his neck. 

“Yeah, I would!” My feet squeaked as I walked forward to go with him. I had forgotten about my soaked pants and shoes. “Let me just change real quick.”

I flew up the stairs as fast as I could, throwing open my bedroom door and searching through my boxes of clothes for new pants and shoes. It felt like I had been up there forever once I came downstairs in my new clothes. Paul was waiting for me outback already in wolf form, his shorts in his mouth.

“I can hold those for you,” reaching out I took the shorts from him and climbed on his back, gripping his fur tightly. He took off as fast as he could through the woods, it was so dark out tonight that even I could barely see. The way he ran showed me how sure of himself he was, whipping between trees and over fallen ones without hesitation. 

The sound of rushing water filled my ears as we neared the river. Paul never thought twice as he picked up speed and suddenly we were soaring over the it. The water was rushing violently from the heavy amount of rain we had gotten, mist spraying up at us as we went. We hit the other side of the river with a thud, without missing a beat Paul continued forward until we were outside Emily and Sam’s house. Their small cottage lit up the small clearing it was in. I could hear several people laughing inside as I waited for Paul to turn back and put his clothes back on. 

“Come on,” Paul said from beside me. He was now dressed and holding out his hand for me to take. My face flushed as I took his hand, feeling more comfortable than I ever had as we walked into the house with our hands intertwined by our sides. 

“Welcome back!” Emily called out to me when we walked in. She crossed from room quickly and was pulling me into a hug away from Paul within seconds. When she pulled back she kept her hands on my shoulders and looked me over. “Is everything all healed?”

“For the most part! My leg is still bothering me a bit,” I told her. She looked passed me over to Paul and gave him a sympathetic look. When I glanced back at him he looked like he was on the verge of tears. So I quickly said, “At least you guys know now that I’m not a dangerous vampire, I’d want to keep my people safe too if I were you guys.”

“What kind of bloodsucker are you then?” A boy asked from the kitchen. He was sitting next to Sam and another girl I had never seen. His face was round and youthful but his eyes were hardened like he’d been through a lot. Even though he was sitting I could tell he was a few inches taller than Paul but not as tall as Sam, the three of them the tallest people I have ever been around. The girl next to him that I had never seen was beautiful, her long black hair was pulled into a braid that she had over her shoulder, a scowl on her face as she looked at me. I wondered if they were two of the other wolves Paul had been telling me about earlier.

“I don’t really know,” I replied honestly, shrugging at all of them. “All I can say is I may be half a vampire but I’ve never killed anyone for their blood.”

“Never?” The girl asked me sounding skeptical. No one except for my mom but this wasn’t the time for that. I shook my head at her, everyone in the room looked a little shocked. 

“I do steal things though, like blood bags from hospitals so I don’t have to feed directly off of a human. Sometimes I hunt animals…” I trailed off, looking between everyone’s faces. Beside me Emily grabbed my hand and led me to the table and pulled a chair out for me. I was sitting beside the boy I had never seen with Paul on my other side. I could tell that he didn’t like me already from the way he stiffened when I sat down next to him. 

“Enough about this! Em is welcome here anytime and she is to be left alone unless she decides she wants to be interrogated.” Emily informed everyone, her eyes landing on the boy next to me. He huffed and sat back in his chair, crossing his arms,

“Don’t mind, Jacob,” Paul leaned in to whisper in my ear. “He’s still in highschool and in love with a girl who doesn’t love him back.”

“Shut up, Paul!” Jacob barked from beside me, getting up so quickly his chair flew back and slammed into a wall. The girl I didn’t know looked like she had gone through this before, Emily wasn’t paying attention as stirred some food and Paul was laughing next to me so hard the table in front of me was shaking. 

“Just sit down, Jacob,” The girl said before Sam could say anything, though he was poised and ready, his fists pressed to the table. He took a few deep breaths and picked the pictures off the floor that he knocked down with his chair and came to sit back down. This time he made sure his chair was further away from me and closer to the girl.

“Thanks, Leah,” Sam told the girl, giving her a nod. She nodded back and then went to get some food like nothing happened. Paul started to put food on my plate without saying anything, then began to hesitate when I looked over at him to ask him why.

“I didn’t know if you felt like you should help yourself or not,” Paul explained, continuing to put more food on my plate for me.

“Thank you, I’ve just never…” I trailed off not knowing how to explain this to him and the rest of the people who were now staring at me.

“You’ve never had dinner before?” Jacob asked snidely beside me, a laugh coming out of him. 

“I’ve always eaten dinner alone, my father doesn’t eat and he’s my only family,” I began to explain. What I said made the expression on Jacobs face falter, some food threatening to fall out of his mouth as it hung open.

“Haven’t you ever been invited to a friend’s house?” Leah questioned, stopping to ask before she took the forkful of food she had. 

“I’ve never had a friend,” I told her quietly. My life was starting to sound pathetic to them and I could tell. I felt Paul’s hand press against my back and rub gently. Everyone was silent for a couple minutes, quietly taking bites of their food. I pushed mine around my plate, taking small bites here and there. Even Jacob was quiet next to me, his face no longer pinched in disgust at my presence. 

“Hell yeah another blood sucker free day in the books!” A voice giddily announced walking through the door. I stiffened waiting for them to notice me. The person who announced it stopped in his tracks when his eyes landed on me, the three boys following in behind him stopped too and followed his gaze to me. The youngest boy who followed in the first boy looked between Paul and I and gave me a small smile and a wave. 

“Sorry to ruin that for you,” I dead panned, our eyes never breaking contact. The young boy who smiled at me laughed quietly to himself, the two others cracking a smile. 

“Yeah, you should be,” He said walking over to the table and grabbing a seat directly across from me. As he filled his plate he began to talk to me, “I’m Jared, by the way. You must be Em, the girl Paul im-” Paul growled and kicked him under the table. Jared and Paul stared each other down for a minute before Jared finished filling his plate and began eating. I took a bite of my food as Paul calmed himself down, he didn’t seem angry but worried about whatever Jared was going to say. Though all he could’ve been saying was that Paul attacked me but he did seem to get upset when that was brought up.

“I’m Seth and these two are Quil and Embry,” the youngest boy said with a mouthful of food. He smiled at me and some food fell from his mouth and down his shirt. He began to laugh, causing more food to spill out of his mouth. I slapped a hand over my mouth as I tried to stifle my giggles. That’s how the rest of the dinner went, filled with laughter and happiness. They showed me how a real family was supposed to be and surprisingly I wasn’t sad, I was the happiest I have ever been. 

After everyone was done eating we sat around Emily and Sam's small living room talking and laughing more. Everyone except for Jacob, who was sitting outside on the porch in the dark, were sharing stories. Even Leah, who had been scowling lame when I arrived, seemed to be warming to me as I sat quietly next to Paul on a couch. The heat was radiating off of Paul in waves, warming up my body as I sat snugly against him. I felt happy here, at peace. A bunch of people I had just me were accepting me into their home, into their family. Between the heat and the melodic laughter my eyes began to get heavy and before I could even register it, I was asleep.

Tagged: @angelenemies @twilightxcx

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How I organize my studies with mental health issues

Hi :) I’m just here trying to survive a computer science degree with CPTSD, depression, anxiety, and some physical health issues. However, I’ve figured out a system that really (!!!) helps me keep organized and actually learn things despite all the challenges I face! So, I want to share it with you in case it helps just one person! This post is pretty long, but I promise it’s got tons and tons of amazingly helpful information in it!

I’m lucky enough to have a tablet to help me with my studies, but anything I show today can easily be done on a laptop or even on a phone, so don’t stress!

Initial Note Taking

I prefer to handwrite my initial notes if possible. Sometimes, my professors just go too fast and I have to type them, but if I have the option, I choose to handwrite them. I find that handwriting my notes helps keep my mind focused on the task at hand. 

First of all, I’m a very tactile learner, so the act of writing helps me learn the material. However, I’ve found that there are tons of other benefits to writing notes by hand. 

If you’re dissociating/anxious/etc., doodling is a good way to center yourself and help yourself calm down.

Handwritten notes are easier (at least in my non-professional opinion) to make neat and pretty, which can be a huge motivator.

Many classes have diagrams, and it’s super helpful to draw these out so that you’re more likely to remember them and so you have easy access to them.

For people who are nonlinear thinkers (NOT me at all, but I know some people are nonlinear thinkers), you can write your notes in any way you see fit - a circle, a mind map, a graph, even a dodecahedron if you so desire.

And there are tons of others I don’t have time to thoroughly explain!

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with typing notes if you feel that that works better for you. I have to do that for some classes (Geology, I’m looking at you), and I don’t prefer to type my notes, but some people find that they prefer it, and that’s totally okay! There are a few quick things to keep in mind if you choose to take typed notes, however:

I find it very helpful to keep a notepad near me so that I can doodle (again for dissociation/anxiety/etc.) and so that I can draw diagrams if necessary. I’m not talented enough to create computer diagrams quickly, so I usually draw them by hand even if I’m typing my actual notes.

Put in the effort to make sure you aren’t distracted by other things on your laptop! Typing notes can be a great thing, but technology is very quick to distract people. One method I find good for me is to make my notes full screen so that it’s harder to find things to get distracted by, but there are many methods for this.

Try to keep your typed notes tidy and organized. For me, this includes having consistent tab distances, changing font colors/styles (by styles I mean bold/italic/etc.) as necessary, and most of all splitting up my notes into documents by days or topics. I use Evernote, so it’s pretty straightforward to split them up, but even if you use another system, it’s wise to figure out a way to do so. Having one long document for the entire semester is not wise because it gets very overwhelming very quickly and is just plain hard to use.

The biggest help for me, however, is after I’ve taken my notes. I use Evernote to digitize my notes. It’s super easy to do (just take a picture in the app and it scans them like a PDF), and I find that having them digital is a huge help. It means a few things for me:

I don’t have to have every notebook with me to study - just the ones I need to take notes in. This is far more related to physical health for me because I just can’t carry that many notebooks without a lot of pain, but it’s also great for people who are forgetful due to mental health issues. All you have to remember is your laptop or tablet (or really, even your phone), so it’s much easier to make sure you have everything.

I can write all over them when I’m studying without ruining the original notes. I am a big fan of scribbling all over notes (writing mnemonics, drawing diagrams, marking what I know and don’t know, etc.), but I dislike damaging my original notes. This allows me to study as messily as I want without ruining anything.

I can make multiple copies of them if I need to - one for the class I took the notes in and one for my exam revision session. This is very helpful for people who aren’t feeling well enough to rewrite or retype everything into another place when revising for an exam.

Here’s what some of my digitized notes from my operating systems class look like (please forgive my very messy drawing - OS is hard to draw sometimes):

General Studying

This section refers to studying, but not for exams. This includes things such as doing assignments, reading for classes, and other such things. The most important thing for my studying is Google Tasks! I keep all my important due dates in there, even down to the time. Here’s an example of what my Google Tasks looks like:

Apologies for the blacked-out spot - that reveals where I go to school! I use this for every single thing that has a hard due date. This makes sure that I never miss a due date no matter how forgetful I am because my list of due dates is on my cell phone! I also find it extremely rewarding to tick the box when I finish an assignment, and even something as simple as that is such a huge motivator for me.

However, this isn’t where I plan how to study for the week. I do that - you guessed it - on paper. I have a journal (which you’ll get to see in another post) where I keep a lot of important stuff - including weekly study plan spreads! That sounds super overwhelming, but they’re incredibly easy to make and very simple to maintain. I’ll show you (artful pen to hide my school name)!

Let me break this down for you really quickly:

I have my pages divided into four (one quadrant per day plus one for notes), which works pretty well for me - I never run out of space. This setup takes me less than five minutes to make each week, and I find it works very well for me.

I like to write what classes I have each day at the top of the day just so I don’t get too confused (and I highlight it if I have an exam), then underneath that, I list everything I have to do study-wise. 

I make sure to break each big task (e.g. “Study for Geology Exam) into smaller, more manageable chunks (e.g. “Make Geology flashcards,” “Revise Ch. 6 Notes,” etc.) all on different days of the week. This helps make each task seem way less overwhelming and makes me feel better about starting each task.

As you can see, my due dates are NOT on this sheet - this is more of a Study To-Do List than a list of my due dates. I do make sure to keep this updated so that I don’t miss any due dates, however.

You’ll also notice that I don’t have all that much listed for each day. It’s incredibly hard to stay ahead of things with mental health issues (I get that - I really do), but I find that staying ahead genuinely helps my mental health. If I have something to do every day, I feel productive and thus more motivated. It also gives me more leeway if I have a day where I can’t do any more than the bare minimum - I’m already ahead of schedule so I don’t need to panic. My best method for staying ahead is just to buckle down and do it. It’s not a great tip, but it’s all I’ve got (I’m allowed to struggle too - I don’t have everything together perfectly!).

Now, let’s talk about how to tackle each thing on this list.

Readings! When I have to do readings, my preferred method of note-taking is simply writing down definitions of keywords. Most of what I cover in the reading will be covered in the lecture, so I’m not too worried about jotting down every detail. However, making sure to note key words helps keep my brain engaged so I am less likely to zone out/dissociate/etc. Additionally, I can go back to those keywords to make flashcards later on.

Assignments! There’s not a whole lot to say about this one - every assignment is so different that I can’t say much beyond “do your assignments thoroughly.” However, a tip I find helps me a lot is to fully read the assignment and create a game plan before I dive in. This makes the assignment way less overwhelming and gives you concrete stopping points if you need a break.

Studying! will have its own section right below this, do not fear.

Studying

Watch this quick video (which is at the bottom of the text for some unknown reason?) of me scrolling through a study session, then I’ll explain how I study and why it works for me!

Let me just list my Studying Steps (TM) for you and break them down:

About a week before: Write all the information in a clear, consistent way.

By this I mean: Go through your notes/the slides/the textbook/anything with information and write it down freshly. I prefer (like usual) to handwrite this, but it can certainly be typed.

This is good because it requires you to reread and rewrite every piece of information, so you’re that much more likely to remember it. It also gives you all the information consolidated in one place. I like to split this up by topic (for me, each topic takes about 30 minutes to do) so that it’s more manageable. 

This seems like a lot, and it is. But, you have to study and there’s no way around that, unfortunately. Try motivating yourself with small rewards (like food, stickers, or something fun) when you finish a topic.

When you finish that: Make charts and graphs for anything that requires charts and graphs.

The diagrams part is pretty self-explanatory. If you have diagrams, redraw them on their own sheet. This makes them less cluttered and you can write things like mnemonics on them without messing up anything else. Redrawing them is also great for muscle memory!

I also like to make charts of things that I need to memorize (this is a good tool, but isn’t always right for every subject). For example, if I need to know a lot of types of rocks, I’ll make charts listing each rock and its characteristics. This way it’s easier to find the information and (once again) muscle memory will help you out.

This can be done pretty quickly, and it’s a pretty brainless activity. It’s not hard to do, so you can do it while watching Netflix if you want to. I honestly enjoy this part, though, because I find drawing charts and graphs very satisfying. 

About 3 days before: Make flashcards and study them consistently.

This is very important!

I like to use paper flashcards (just so I have to write the information once again), but digital ones work fairly well too.

Memorization is actually a fantastic tool to help with studying with mental health issues. Sometimes brain fogginess makes it hard to think of things that you know, but couldn’t recite. However, if you have it fully memorized, it’s generally much easier to pull out of the depths of your mind.

Once again, this is pretty easy to do (not quick though, sorry), and can be done while you’re doing something else more fun.

The day before: Go through your notes, annotate what you don’t know, and rewrite it until you know it.

This is the most important part of studying for me. 

The evening before the exam, I go through every bit of my notes, charts, graphs, etc. and highlight what I 100% know.

Then, I take more paper (or often a digital piece of paper) and write out what I know, trying to focus my energy on finding ways to remember the information such as mnemonics, word associations, or the like.

I do this as many times as I need to until I feel good about how much information I have highlighted - I try to get to 85-90%, but that can vary by subject.

This is kind of tedious, but I find it easier to motivate myself since it is the final stretch. I’m also usually kind of stressed out about the exam by this point, so that works as a good motivator too.

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[leviathiane]

SHOW US YOUR WROR RAW UNPROCESSED WHOLE GRAIN ORGANIC NOTES

this is going to be a long-ass post i am so sorry to Everyone! i take a lot of notes.

So, as You specifically know (as well as all of my lovely Soggers) I take a LOT of notes. Obsessively. I write fucking everything bc i have very little memory and very much paranoia. This results in literal Piles of notes. Raw planning, on paper, on my phone– doodles of scenes im brainstorming, bulletpoints, entire SCRIPTS– it’s all there but scattered (I’ve got scenes planned in the margins of my goddamn anthropology notes and deciphering it was a NIGHTMARE) 

I won’t even upload all the photos of my writing notebook, because itd be like 50 pages of illegible nonesense. but heres a couple of planning phase pages. (may be hard to read, I dropped this notebook both into some tidepools, into a creek on campus, and accidentally leaked my waterbottle onto it in my backpack :/) 

if you can’t tell already, yes they all look exactly like this. Some are even more illegible, because I wrote them with the notebook half under my actual class notes. Because i wrote most of them in class. During lectures. And pretending very badly that i was not doing exactly that. (pay attention in class please i got away with this bc i was filling up elective units) 

I’m also flat out MISSING a large portion of my notes bc some of it? isnt even in the damn notebook. its on a sheet of binder paper, or on the empty back of an assignment. I’ve now lost most of those notes, but the ones i do still have are just as (even more, actually) indecipherable chicken scratch: 

Wow, how clean and tidy and easy to follow! i am in hell. 

and this doesnt mention the PAGES and PAGES of outlines that are on my laptop, and the pages of outlined scenes that are on the notes app of my phone. if i put them all, you would have entire chapter spoilers up to the very end of the story so i cant post a lot of them– and also theres just a goddamn lot of them. currently i have 16 pages of outlining. There are no spacing breaks. It is a solid 16 page block of text. Looking at it gives me a migraine. 

some assorted notes which i have dredged up from the deleted parts of the main draft google doc go all the way back to when i started Wror in June and they are Barely more readable than my handwriting on sheer account of: articulation is not my strength. These include: 

“Ch 8 plan: sabo gets trained specially, awakens his armament haki, beats ace in a bunch of spars and proves himself to be anything but vulnerable. The boys are like “we fucking recognize that technique ryu taught you before us!!” and goad ryu into finally starting them both on basic haki training, just to awaken it, since sabo already has. Also this is the chapter that ace finally confronts ryu for his devil fruit after ryu confirms that some devil fruit users can’t be hurt without haki and ace immediately catches onto that and tries to slam his pipe through ryus head. It doesn’t work, ryu catches the weapon with a haki covered hand, to avoid turning to flame with hit and ace just gets frustrated and accuses ryu of hiding his devil fruit, because he remembers what he saw in grey terminal and that now that he has seen haki he can distinguish it from what he saw and he’s sure no one could do what ryu did. He calls ryu a hypocrite for coddling them even after telling them to stop coddling sabo and ryu has to sit them down and explain that yes he does have powers and he has been hdiing it and explains his reasoning. However instead of understanding th eboys just get fired up and say they don’t wnt to be scared of fire, especially not when it means ryu isn’t taking them seriously in a spar. Ryu finally agrees to start them on desensitization training for fire trauma. Fire desensitization training happens on the beach, so that they have water nearby in case things get out of hand. At some point ace gives ryu a considering look and is just like “if you have a devil fruit that means you can’t swim either right?” and ryu is basically just like “lmao yeah” and then ace immediately attempts to drown him. Lots of murder attempts in ace’s department toget his older brother to be less of an idiot with little success lol(extra: ace tried to attack ryu earlier both to confirm that ryu has a devil fruit that would force him to use haki to hide it, and because he now knows that he CAN’T hurt ryu without haki and as thus can’t beat him and make him admit he’s awake without being good at haki.)” [chapter 8] 

“Small sabo lost his hat and goggles in the incident and while he doesn’t remember having them future sabo notices he looks uncomfortable and keeps touching his hair and head. Ace yells at him for it thinking he bandaging are bothering him and that he can’t touch them but little sabo just comments that something about it feels wrong. Luffy blurts our that he had a hat, like luffy does, But he doesn’t now ace begrudgingly mentions that they can’t get a new one in town. Future sabo doesn’t even hesitate and just plops his own hat onto his younger selves head. It clearly too big for him, and almost falls over his eyes but he grins up at future sabo and is like “wow!! Thank you! I’ll take care of it till I have one of my own” and creates a paradox like Luffys own hat. The footsteps younger sabo has yet to fill. This HAS to happen AFTER the talk where they explain that future and past sabo are both the same person, to give little sabo that pressure.” [chapter 9]

“(Right after this older sabo takes them down to the ocean so that they can play a little and desensitize themselves and immediately fucks himself over when he goes weak in the water bc he somehow fucking forgot his own devil fruit again and now even younger sabo is on his case about not letting him near the fucking ocean that little goddamn HYPOCRITE—) )” [for chapter 9]

“Ch 9 plan: they finally leave dawn island. Starts with the boys getting a haircut after training and luffy mentions how long it’s been since they’ve last needed a haircut, giving sabo and ace time to point out that it’s been 2 months now since ryu joined them, and that sabo was completely healed by now. The boys are now aware of the basics of haki, and while luffy hasnt awakened either yet ace and sabo both have a little bit of weak armament haki. (sabo won’t awaken observational haki until he gets his memories back) ryu tries to sneak off into the city to steal a boat but his brothers refuse to leave him behind and keep sneaking out after him, not wanting him to go alone and saying that since he’s been training them they’re clearly stronger and he needs to let them do this. Ryu eventually just lets it go because why the fuck not it’s a dream and they make him feel better. They get the boat out on open ocean and finally fucking sail out, cheering loudly, ryu struggling to make them all calm down but also not really trying. He’s happy as shit, and they’re all so excited and happy and sabo dips a hand into the waves and then smiles so fucking wide and tackles ryu so violently they both nearly tip into the water and it’s just very very good. “ [also for ch 9] 

** I flat out dont Have any outlining from before chapter 6, because i only started actually outling chapters after that. i tend to just sit down and Write up until i hit a plot point or writers block and then am forced to actually think it through and plan rather than letting it come naturally. thats also why the quality and editing is better in later chapters despite everything being written within the same time frame. 

besides entire chapter outlines, there are the scene specific phone notes like:

“(ADDED) Right after they leave dawn, when sabo is sure they’ve gotten enough of a head start, he calls Garp. He doesn’t say who he is, but that all of the boys are safe and happy with him and has them all talk into the phone to assure him that they’re fine. Garp is honestly just pissed off he doesn’t know who’s calling and when he asks sabo just laughs and says a disobedient brat before hanging up. “

“(ADDED) TO EXPAND ON CH 3: sabo gets offered the chance to go with dragon, and he hesitates on the offer to go through with his previous life with the family he’s made in the revolutionary again. He almost agrees, because the bought of losing them in this lifetime is near excruciating but reminds himself swiftly that it’s no place for his brothers and not what they’d really want, and he wants selfishly to be with them as long as he Can until he “inevitably” wakes up. The boys are visibly relieved by this, especially ace. (Sabo gets asked who he is by dragon, who wants to know more about the stranger with his son, but dragon has always been quicker to make connections no one guessed and he just smiled knowingly at sabo and tells him he’s sure the other will have no trouble finding them if he’s in need. Sabo in turn warns him to keep Kuma close, and to look for a slave girl named koala.)”

I have…. many of these. I have Many of Everything. 

finally, i have scene doodles. if i hit a bad writers block it usually helps me to sketch scenes or the character designs to regain my grip on what the hell is happening in the plot– Breach of Intention has character design sketches, pakcbond has MANY scene sketches, even some of my nsfw has some sketches. my wror skecthes arent Good of course, I am an art teacher for children and that means i am more often explaining the color wheel and brush techniques over drawing perfect human replicas– and i just dont really make a lot of fanart? ive never drawn sabo before but i sure have a bunch now. i wont include close ups because they genuinely suck but heres an example pic 

So… yeah thats about everything. this is a VERY long post and yet i only included like maybe ¼ or 1/5 of all the notes i have dbskhjgfkjadns lmk if anyone wants more (or notes for my Other stories, which contain NO WHERE the same absurd amount of shit that wror does.)

[iwanttoblogallthethings]

Transformation Tuesday

In terms of years, this was a big one. I mean, it might be like:

Big Years

1) 1987 (because birth)

2) 2019

On the coolest of notes, I bought a place of my own. A true and actual home that is for me. And not only do I pay for it, but I take care of it, too! I now live alone for the first time ever and I’m a much better roommate than I had prepared for. I clean up after myself, I always refill the toilet paper, I turn off all the things to save electricity whenever possible, and I don’t cook fish like, ever. And I’m decent company to boot. These were refreshing realizations, and unexpected perks of buying a home.

Another thing that was going on in 2019 was I lost some weight. As of this writing, 78 pounds, to be more specific. And I’m going to actually be fairly specific for the rest of this, because I want to clear about why this qualifies as a major part of the Big Year.

The initiation of this process was rather nonchalant if I’m being honest. It happened the second week in January 2019, though unlike many other years before it, it was not born out of New Year’s resolution energy. It was honestly just a period of downtime in my life. One well-placed Weight Watchers ad on social media reminded me that I’d had some success in the past on it and since it was running a New Year’s special, what’d be the harm in using it for a month, drop a couple pounds, and scooch off the app when they made me start paying. It was a very low key “why not” vibe I was bringing to the table, which was different from the other times in earlier years that I’d begun something similar out of what felt like pure desperation to be something different than what I was.

I have kept up this very casual “why not” rouse for 50 weeks now, and it has resulted in my body mass index decreasing. I’m not saying this flippantly, like “oh this is no thing,” but let me digress first.

I’ve tried new stuff, like this thing called running. I got excited recently because I ran/walked a mile in under 11 minutes which I have not done since the Presidential Physical Fitness Test in 8th grade, but I told you I was going to be specific so I will not mince words when I say running *John Ralphio voice* STILL FUCKING SUCKS.

It is a monotonous soul suck of a cardiovascular activity and I literally only do it because it’s the quickest way for me to get my heart rate to an astronomical and likely unhealthy level and then be done with exercising for the day.

So yes, this all qualifies as a Big Thing during the Big Year but I don’t think it’s a Big Thing in the way it ostensibly seems. For me it qualifies as a Big Thing because I feel that I have worked hard at showing up for myself this year in a new way and I’ve impressed myself a lot with how consistent I’ve been able to be. I’ve also developed some cool habits that I think I can finally call habits since I’ve been doing them for 11.5 months? I have no intention of breaking these habits anytime soon and I feel like being resolute in this is also a Big Thing. I'm proud of myself for this consistency and this resolve the most.

It does not qualify as a Big Thing because I weigh less than I used to. And for this, I feel that a #transformationtuesday post feels exploitative, because it seems to put the emphasis where I don’t feel comfortable having the emphasis (but it got you here, didn’t it.) I’m totally cool with talking about the way I went about weighing less, but I’m probably going to get nerdy about how it’s a side effect of building these habits and is literally just science being like “ah fuck, she figured us out.” I also weigh less out of privilege, too. I have the financial means to buy fresh, healthy food on a regular basis and to pay for an app on my phone to help hold me accountable. I have the luxury of time outside of my job without a person or pet to care for, and can dedicate some hours of the week to these habits.

And it does not qualify as a Big Thing because I’m happier than I used to be, because I was very happy when I weighed more, too. I honestly just sweat less when I walk up a flight of stairs which has been a net positive for everyone really.

The thesis of this whole dang thing is: I am not a better person than I used to be now that my body mass has decreased. I think I’m okay overall, but I have things I can work on. But if I had been a shitty person who weighed more, I’d be a shitty person who weighs less, too. And I feel like this is the piece that gets twisted when the general public recognizes you have Lost Weight ™ -- there is no virtue in weighing less. You can be happy for people who have Lost Weight ™, sure. But first be sure it’s a choice and not a byproduct of a mental or physical health issue. And second be sure you’re not just happy because, even subconsciously, you think they are a better person than they used to be -- be happy for them that they have shown consistency and dedication to something they devoted some of their brain space to, just like you would if they went from doodling stick figure drawings to being the second coming of Bob Ross.

(Here I’d like to send special shoutouts to my friends who have navigated this really well and made me feel like they recognize how I’d like to talk about it, if I’d like to talk about it at all.)

It was a Big Year. I loved a lot of it. I liked myself in it. But I kind of always have.

[ruvigapo]

Hi do you have maybe some tips for someone who is learning how to use water colour? What brand of water colors to use etc. ??

Hi! Sure i guess.♡ Keep in mind that while i wouldn't say i'm a beginner i'm definitely still learning too.

I will uh.. i'll edit this post this afternoon with some tips lol (note to self to not use the tumblr app in the morning lest your thumb slip and post an unfinished post XD)

((Or maybe i am still a beginner, idk. Okay yeah i'm a beginner but i can give some tips.))

Okay so, i'm home. Been a long day. Here are some tips.

Honestly though, i'm Definitely not an expert when it comes to watercolour specifically. I've used it since i was a kid but i only really got the hang of it resently and i'm definitely still learning.

1. So honestly my first advise is to just look at a lot of different tutorials and ask a lot of different people. This goes for most mediums, but there are a lot of different ways to use water colour to achieve the look that you want and a lot of people do it differently bc it's so versitile.

2. This is a given, but honestly, there's no better teacher than experience. The more you try something out and try doing it in different ways, the more you'll be able to find what works for you. That's really important i think.

This is a tangent, but I took a water colour summer course once and i learn a lot of cool stuff, but i also learnt through a lot of trial and error that my style of water colour was very different from how it's traditionally taught here. Partially because i'm impatient and can barely wait for the layers to dry (this, btw, is honestly a must in water colour tho so that's really gotten better on my end with practice) and partially because a lot of the techniques i learnt were good for landscape painting but dificult when drawing more complicated pieces in my opinion. They're still great techniques but i also learnt to take inspiration from other sources that more closely match what i like to paint.

And the more i learn the more i find that i am also able to incorporate traditional techniques that before seemed very dificult for me.

3. As for art supplies, i honestly wouldn't worry too much about it. Especially as a beginner. I always say that the tool doesn't make the artist, the artist makes the artist. In the end, the most important tool you will ever need is your mind.

I'm also not very good with what brands are high quality and which aren't so there's that frankly.

I'd say ask around and look into what brands are available to you. Most standard water colour sets are good and last a long time. Then you can of course expand your tool arsenal. I'd recomend a bigger pallet just because i'm the kinda person who really enjoys mixing and trying out a lot of different colours and therefore need a lot of space to mix colours.

Also i'd say look into what type of brushes you prefer, and pay attention which brushes are water colour brushes and which are acrylic brushes bc they're pretty different.

Really high quality brushes are usually made with animal hair, which makes it able to hold a lot of water and pigment. I don't like them much personally bc i don't use a lot of water for my drawings as a general rule (mostly because they're doodles and the paper in my sketch book doesn't hold water all that well). (And also sometimes the hairs fall off from the brush and get stuck in my drawing 😬... they're worth checking out though.)

But try out different types of brushes and see what you like. It might be tempting to get a very tiny brush for tiny details but honestly, a medium size does the same work just fine with a light hand in my opinion. And depending on wether you want to paint big or small, what size brush you need will vary. I know that art supplies can be expensive though, so don't feel like you Have to get the most expensive thing when you're just starting out.

4. Speaking of just staring out... honestly, don't even worry about using up your supplies and feeling like every single thing you make has to be perfect. It's not going to be perfect. And not only is that okay but it's nessesary. Not to mention that perfection is wholy a myth and can't be achieved so don't even worry. Quantity over quality i always say. The quality will come with time and work. Which is why i always recomend cheaper brands anyway because you will be painting A Lot to git gud, as they say, but that might just be me.

5. Back to brands

Honestly Please invest in a good paper at least once. It doesn't have to be Fantastic, it just needs to hold water. I'm not even joking, the quality of your paper does wonders for the quality of your drawing. Can you make water colour look good on normal paper? Sure. Case in point, all of the things i paint. But honestly, if not for the sake of a result, then try it out for the sake of experience. Try different things. See what works for you. I honestly do recomend starting out with a good water colour paper since the result will be miles better and you'll feel way more encurraged to continue. That's the one supply i'm adamant about trying honestly. But again, budget wisely young padawan. And if you ever feel scared to use your supplies bc they were expensive and you don't want to waste it.. again nothing is a waste, everything you draw is stored as knowlege in your brain that you'll use to make better art in the future. Nothing is a waste. But if you're like me and the anxiety really hinders you, just get a cheaper paper. I like to paint in my sketch book bc it feels like a diary to me and it doesn't have to be perfect and if i screw up it's still fine. I'll tape it over and start again.

Okay so.. i realise that this is rambly and maybe a bit preachy and not very specific. Starting out can be scary and you want all the things in the right place and you want things to go well every time you paint even though you know it's not going to at first. But you just have to start somewhere and keep going from there. Bc if you never start, where will you be?

So honestly, if you don't have any supplies on hand, just go to the nearest place that sells art supplies and get yourself some good paper and a water colour set and just go ham trying out the colours.

Here are some of the water colour things i've watched over the years to help me in geting started.

This last guy i only found the other week. He does a more trafitional style, more in line with how i was taught at that one summer class thing. So it's always nice to look at different ways to do the thing you want to do.

6. Water colour to me has always been tricky. It's water so it flows, and for a while, that was frustrating because i wasn't able to control it i thought. I prefered using markers but honestly, markers are way more expencive than water colours and you can't mix them and get as much if a clean finish, so now i only use water colour to colour my drawings.

But for a while i avoided water colour and instead opted to use guache. Guache is mostly used in illustrations bc they're easy to layer since the paint is opaque. It's much more forgiving than water colours, so if you want, buy a couple tubes of guache and try that. You don t need that many. I use cyan magenta and two types of yellow as well as white. Any art teacher will tell you that with practice you can mix almost every colour from those colours. I almost never use blacj anymore. Unless i'm lazy, in which case i'll jusr add a layer of black water colour on top of the guache. (GUACHE CAN BE EXPENSIVE THOUGH, DON'T FORGET TO BUDGET)

There are opaque water colours but most aren't i believe. That's where the main difference between guache and water colour comes in. See, in water colour, traditionally, you aren't supposed to use white to lighten a colour. Instead you use water to dilude the pigment. This gives a much more clean and crisp finish. You can do this with guache also, but since quache is already opaque it will still have that same grainy look wether you dilude it with water or mix it with white or both. I mean... i personally love the grainy look so... it's very story book-ish.

With guache bring opaque that also means you can paint over mistakes and start over pretty much, so again, guache is much more forgiving. Once the white of the page is gone when you use water colour, you can't get that back without adding white guache on top, which honwstly just looks messy imo. So be aware of that.

7. Let layers dry before adding another one or the colours will bleed together. Learning to be patient is key. But if you're like me you can just use a hair dryer tbh.

8. If you're using a good paper, you can experiment with a lot more water. Taping down the paper helps bc the paper will swell a lot and buckle when you add a lot of water. (Press it between a butt load of books to get it somewhat flat again).

You can try taking a spunge or a wide brush and add a layer of water before adding the pigment. It can have some interesting results.

You can also leave the paper dry and just paint layers like you would with markers. Both work. Water bleeds more but that's really cool in landscape painting so if that's something you want to try, def experiment with letting the colours bleed together.

9. Oh and don't forget to swatch out your colours when you get them. Water colour dry lighter than it looks when you put down the colour, so swatching helps with determining what colours you want where.

There are So Many videos on the subject honestly. I like to watch videos while i paint. It's fun.

Okay so this is long enough i think. I barely grazed the tip of the proverbial iceberg but i hope it helped.

I really encurrage anyone who knows their stuff abt water colour to add on to this. I really don't want to spread false info. These are just my two cents on the top of my head.

Which basically just boils down to

JUST DO IT

I honestly tell myself this every day. And if i can do parkour then you can paint.

Good luck and have fun! 👍👍👍

[you-guys--are-losers]

Promptsmas Day One: First Snow!

//This is for @spiderman-homecomeme​ and her Promptsmas prompts! I am so excited about it, and I wanna thank her for being a beautiful human!

**Special thanks for @im-just-bri for sending me the screenshots of this after I accidentally deleted it!

Prompt: First Snow

Peter has grown used to Michelle Jones over the past few months, in the same way someone acquires a taste for fine wine. 

In the first few weeks of their friendship, her sarcastic remarks and dry sense of humor caught him off-guard. he had not known what to do the first time she fell asleep on his sofa during a sleepover with him and Ned, and Peter had never quite known what to do when he could tell that she was upset about something.

But it only took a few months, because now, Peter is “fluent in MJ.”

Now, he is well-versed enough in her humor to be able to quip back, and he and Ned have gotten used to draping their friend’s preferred blanket over her curled-up, sleeping form. Peter knows now that when MJ is upset, there is only one way to fix it: chocolate chip waffles and TV-show marathons with her and with Ned.

All this said, even if it feels like they’ve been friends for forever, Peter and Ned have only been friends with MJ since the end of sophomore year. This means that there is one thing that the trio hasn’t faced together: winter. As it becomes colder, Peter begins to notice little things about MJ that he has never seen before. As the temperature drops, he adds more and more tidbits to the growing collection of what he knows about their brunette best friend.

He learns that for some reason MJ does not seem to think that she needs a winter coat. She uses hoodies and jean-jackets every day, as if they are perfectly capable of shielding her willowy figure from the cold, and she refuses to accept any offer of a jacket from Peter or Ned. She does own a scarf, though, as well as a pair of fingerless gloves. She almost never takes off the gloves over the course of the entire school day. though MJ gives no reason for this, Peter privately knows that he has discovered something else about her that he did not know about her before-- her hands are always cold.

There are other things he begins to notice, too. Hot chocolate stars to be used as a substitute for tea in the mornings, and every so often Peter and Ned catch a glimpse of fuzzy socks that have been squeezed into her combat boots. Doodles of mittens and scarves begin to replace MJ’s normal sketches of autumn leaves on the corner of her papers. But there is one thing that Peter cannot seem to figure out about her now: MJ is glued to her weather app.

Peter catches her on her phone a lot more regularly than she ever has been before, and she refuses to cite the reason. She isn’t talking to anyone, Peter is sure, because she never appears to be typing a text (not that Peter keeps tabs on her relationship status or anything, though). However, there have been several points in time that Peter has caught her refreshing AccuWeather in the middle of AP Chem.

It’s only when MJ completely drops her phone from excitement that Peter realizes what it is.

It happens on a Monday in fourth hour. MJ’s sharp gasp of excitement catches Peter by surprise, but what really causes him to pay attention is when the cracked iPhone 5 clatters to the floor. The phone skitters across the floor, spinning slowly until it comes to a stop at the foot of Mr. Cobbwell. The sound is enough to make Peter look up from where he is working on improving the web-fluid, and the entire class is looking up now, too. Cobbwell peers back at them with a look of disapproval on his face, one that causes MJ to tense beside him.

“Is something the matter, Miss Jones?” prompts the teacher, raising an eyebrow as he sets down the dry-erase marker he was using.

“No, I, um...” MJ says quickly, her eyes suddenly widening.

She seems to be frozen by all of the eyes in the class on her. MJ is normally one of the most relaxed people that Peter knows, but he also knows that she doesn’t always know how to handle attention. It even took her a while to get used to being noticed by Peter and Ned.

“I was grabbing something from her bag for her, and I knocked it out,” Peter speaks up, gesturing to the bag that is on the table between them. “It’s my bad, sir. Can I grab it?”

Cobbwell hesitates for a moment, but after a second his face softens. Peter knows that both he and MJ have a good standing with him, since Peter is the only one who laughs at his science puns and MJ returns one of her own every once in a while.

“Alright, Mr. Parker. Just make sure it doesn’t happen again,” he decides, and Peter slides out of his seat in order to grab the phone with the worn, purple case. As soon as he has it, Peter returns to his seat and sits down beside MJ.

As soon as the lesson resumes, MJ glances back over at him with an acutely uncomfortable expression on her face. “Sorry,” she mutters, allowing a piece of hair that has escaped from her curly ponytail to fall into her eyes. “Thanks, Parker.”

She reaches for her phone, but before he hands it over, Peter turns it over and peers at the screen. There is a lightbulb moment in his head, and a smile plays with his lips as he passes it back.

“So, an 85% chance of snow on Friday, huh?” he comments as she takes the phone. He knows that the smug grin isn’t gone as she slides the phone into the pocket of her bomber jacket. He is pleased because he finally understands why she’s been on her phone so much, finally gets this one little piece of her.

MJ has been waiting for the first snow.

“Shut up, loser,” she instructs as she returns to her online notes. That isn’t enough to get peter off of her scent, though. He can see that she is struggling to keep him from noticing the rosy tinge of her skin, the reddened tips of her ears.

He doesn’t bring it up for the rest of the day, though Peter can see she is waiting for him to do so. Still, he doesn’t say anything in front of Ned, even though it’s become a habit of theirs to recap for him what happened in the one class the three of them don’t share. Ned is stuck next door in AP Computer Science, so he normally gets a play-by-play of the entire class... But not today. Peter lets her be lulled into a false sense of security over the course of the week as Friday rolls around, with all of its anticipation in tow.

Peter can see it in every inch of her body-- an excited sort of tension in her muscle, a skip in her step as she walks. Peter pretends not to notice it, but the gleam in her eyes is just enough to warm his chest a bit, despite the bite in the air. She is barely being subtle about her phone anymore as she checks the the hourly forecast, but this is to Peter’s advantage.

MJ is so preoccupied with her own phone that she does not see Peter doing the exact same thing.

It is scheduled to come during Chem, so Peter keeps an eye on the window the entire class period. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches the sky of swollen gray clouds, clouds that are waiting to unleash flurries of thick snow onto the city. Peter can’t help but feel the childlike excitement brewing in his chest now. According to the app, it’s supposed to happen any moment, and the lesson has just begun. Peter’s mind has never been farther from thermochemistry.

And once he sees it, the subject matter flies out of his head, out the window, and into the air, which is carrying the first new, fresh flakes.

Peter glances quickly at the girl next to him, who is so focused on her phone that she has not noticed the flakes yet. It is then that Peter sneaks out his own phone and sends a quick text to Ned.

now.

Not even thirty seconds after Peter sneaks his phone back into his pocket, there is a flickering of the lights, and then the classroom is plunged nto darkness. There is a startled murmur that ripples throughout the room, and it is then that Peter acts.

“MJ,” he hisses as Cobbwell struggles to regain control of the class.

In the darkness, Peter can see the outline of MJ’s face, which is lit by the cool winter light coming through a single window. She does not even turn to him, still scrolling through her AccuWeather.

“What?” she hums. “Parker, in case you didn’t notice, we’ve just gone full dystopian novel, so it’s not the best time for me to help you with the homework problems. Maybe if you want to get ready for the Hunger Games together, we can talk-”

“What? No,” Peter interrupts, a grin forming on his lips. “Come on. We’ve only got a couple minutes to get out.”

“Get out?” MJ repeats, and now she’s looking up from her phone. “I was kidding, loser, not-”

“It’s snowing,” Peter states, dropping each word with equal weight, as if it is the most obvious thing in the world.

MJ stares at him blankly for a moment, and then a playful grin crosses her face. “No way,” she finally laughs under her breath, shaking her head. The laugh, the smile, cause his heart to skip a beat for some reason. “Even you two nerds aren’t that good.”

“Aren’t we?” Peter hums smugly, thinking about the time they completely hacked Tony Stark’s own spideysuit. “Come on. Do you want to go, or not?”

MJ peers at the open door, then back at him. One last glance is spared for the window, where the snow is coming down in increasing speed. Then, finally, she turns back to him.

“You first, then me,” she instructs.

Without another word, Peter says something to Cindy Moon about going to grab his homework from his locker. As he heads out, Peter can hear MJ asking Abe to tell Cobbwell that she had to go to the bathroom. He is out the door first, and then a moment later MJ practically materializes by his side with a bathroom pass in her pocket and a little grin on her face.

“Come on, before someone sees,” she instructs, and before Peter can fully process what’s happening, she grabs his forearm and begins to run down the hallway.

For some reason, as they run, blood rushes to Peter face. He has run down this hallway many times before-- to save people from a bus crash, to go and stop a robbery in progress, and even to fight with Liz’s dad. But this is a good reason to be running, and he is all too aware of the warmth that her hand leaves on his arm as they turn and sneak out one of the building’s side doors and onto the path to the football field.

For a moment, the cold air washes over them, and Peter can feel both of their muscles tense. Then, MJ tugs him father away from the building and into the openness of the courtyard behind the school. 

The snow is falling in thick, fluffy flakes that stick together in the air, forming chains of cottony, clumpy snow. They flakes are so large that they appear to be spun from sugar, the sort of snow that is everywhere in the air. It surrounds them, as far as he can see, falling so slowly that is seems suspended in the air. peter feels like he is inside of a snow globe with her.

MJ is frozen still, and Peter’s eyes travel to her face as she takes it in and ignores him completely. He doesn’t mind being ignored in the least-- he would much rather be free to study the childlike wonder in her eyes, the awe that is written into every line and curve of her face as she blinks, disrupting the flakes that have settled onto her long lashes.

For a moment, Peter can’t breathe, because she looks like she belongs here and nowhere else.

The snow nestles into her kinky curls, dusts her shoulders, and settles on her long lashes as she tips her face slightly up to the sky. For a moment, her eyes close entirely, and she seems to be drinking in the cold air and the caresses of the snowflakes as they fall down around her.

For a second, Peter wonders what it would be like to slide his arm away slightly, so she was gripping his hand in that same gentle grasp that encircles his forearm.

But then, her eyes open, and they are wild with excitement. “Come on!” she insists. “We have to do that lame thing where we catch snowflakes on our tongues. For scientific purposes.”

“Scientific purposes?”

“Gotta taste those chemicals the corporations are pouring into the atmosphere, Parker. Come on.”

And then, they spend a good ten minutes outside tasting the snow and letting it settle in their hair and on their shoulders. Peter knows it is borrowed time, that Ned is going to have to come up with a good excuse later and that he and MJ are going to have to be extra convincing when it comes to their return to class.

But none of that matters as Peter Parker watches Michelle Jones spin like a child in the center of the school courtyard, with snow in her hair and an easy smile on her lips. All that matters is that he gave her that smile, the one that drives away the winter chill and leaves him with only her warmth.

[lifewithlala]

My Minimalist Zero Waste Notes Essentials

Sometimes I want to get a brush pen and a Leuchtturm1917 and let my hand do its work. However, my values stop me from supporting the community in the way I initially wanted to, which is analogue for the most part. So I had to come up with a way to get my shit together, a la bullet journal style that was convenient, environmentally friendly and of course, work for me.

Thus my armour was born.

1. Laptop and stylus. My laptop is without a doubt the most useful tool I possess. Apart from the standard use of typing reports and using my friend Google to the max, I am able to download my college books, handouts and syllabus. But interestingly, it also doubles as an actual paper notebook because it is stylus enabled, so I can highlight and take notes on pdf’s, write and draw. I’ve got the best of both worlds. Can you hear my cry of joy in the background?!

2. Phone. Even though my laptop is basically my lifesaver, sometimes I just don’t wanna carry it around. I don’t plan on walking around with a backpack 24/7 and I don’t own a purse or a bag or whatever people use. That’s why pockets exist and I don’t carry much anyways. This is where my phone comes to play. It’s compact, fits in my pocket and above all, it syncs with all the apps I use to stay organized. All my files, available anywhere I go. Plus it also has a stylus. More cries of joy in the background!

3. Notebook and a pen. Last but definitely not least, I do own a notebook. With a refillable fountain pen. I know, I know. What was all that speech just above about not using analogue methods?! Let me explain. If you’re an artist, I think you might have the same problem as me. I owned a horrendous amount of sketchbooks and none of them was finished. So I made a little DIY Bullet Journal out of the empty pages. I only use the notebook for when I am not allowed to use my laptop, which is after 6pm, so I can give my eyes a break from the lights and prepare myself to sleep. There, I write and doodle to my heart's content.

So my laptop, my stylus, my phone, my notebook and my fountain pen are all the tools I need to go to class and take notes. At the same time, they offer me a minimalist armour that allows me to be more productive in class and it helps me reduce the amount of trash I produce. Although both methods, analogue and digital, have their pros and cons when it comes to the environment, the tools needed for digital processes are fewer and it helps me produce less trash. At the end of the day, it all comes down if the method you’re using works for you and if you’re happy and satisfied with it.

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 253—Mar. 23, 2021

Okay, so the numbers for my previous consecutive posts were off by a day (like a day ahead) and February 7′s math was way off, but I googled this! so from here on out, we will be accurate! let’s go bois!

BIG UPDATE BOIS! Essentially? I’VE GOTTEN BETTER! Mental health is better, habits are better, outlook on life is better, productivity... isn’t as high as it was when I first started the blog, but it’s doing MUCH better than November and even January.

coping with minecraft:

So, I’m still addicted to the dream smp minecraft fandom. my friend got me a dream hoodie, bucket hat, and a georgenotfound hoodie for my birthday. but! I’m coping better. I’m behind on streams, and am now catching up during Spring Break. For a while, I was pushing back school work to watch and catch up on streams. I promised myself that during free periods I would work since I was catching up on streams at home, and then... yeah. ANYWAY! I’ve gotten a lot better at that recently by noticing that even fanart accounts (accounts dedicated to mcyt-ers) were talking about how they didn’t watch a phasmaphobia stream because they weren’t interested in it, or talking about how they were behind on streams... it really helped me accept the fact that I can be a real fan and not watch every single stream.

cultural convention:

My international school does events with other international schools but because of covid, we can’t travel. I act and made varsity drama (we call it a different name, but yeah!) and we had virtual conferences. I was incredibly friendly and loud and there were tons of zoom calls. Our schools kinda known for being... uh, stuck up? and kinda elitist. Not like I was being fake, but I was making an effort to talk during calls and be active on group chats made. I joke-flirt a lot and focused my attention on one person. A whole thing ensued, but some of the other actors in my school (there were only 11 of us) were joking abut sending me to “horny jail” and one girl kept apologizing for me. During “lounge sessions” I would interject with what I thought were funny comments and she’d say “again, I’d like to apologize for her behavior” and... uh... I cried at school. Cuz I’ve heard way too many times from too many different people about how I’m embarrassing... BUT.

What really helped was the fact that there were late night zoom calls and I was one of only three kids from my school the first night on a call with around 25 people. Other people said I helped give them a really good first impression of our school, especially considering all the things they’d heard previously. The guy I joke-flirted with (I previously dmed him asking if he was okay with it and he said he was) said on a call that I was one of the funniest people he’d met in a while. It was a huge confidence booster in knowing that the efforts I was making were paying off :)

confidence:

Since starting this blog, I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. I’ve been practicing more positive self speak and have recently realized the difference between the way I speak about and to myself and how some other people do. Being nicer to myself out loud has helped a lot in feeling better and more comfortable.

I wanted to try wearing black masks, but my mom bought the wrong kind. They had patterns and I was really nervous because I didn’t really want to stand out. I used to not care, but... I dunno. Teenagehood and whatnot. We wear uniforms too, so the only differences are in accessories, hair, etc. I’m not sure why, but I was really nervous to wear the new mask patterns to school. But I told myself it was an experiment, to force me to be more confident. I actually forgot I was wearing it until I saw myself. And since I’d posted on my private story saying I was doing this to try and be more comfortable, some of my friends came up to me and told me it was actually cute. Shows that I really had nothing to stress for. Not that it was really self-expression, but for me, and anyone else who needs to hear this, no one cares. Maybe they even wish they had the courage to wear different things as well.

mcyt mantra:

I have a mantra now! adapted from something drunk Wilbur Soot said during Quackity’s livestream, I think. I repeat it when I’m happy and when I’m nervous or scared and I guess... I dunno, I’m like classically conditioning myself? Except not really since I’m doing it out of order. But yeah! get yourself a mantra!!!

character day:

more with confidence! spirit week is just an excuse for kids to not wear their uniforms, but I put a lot of effort into an Ace Ventura outfit I put together. I only saw around two or three other people actually dressed up as characters, but I had so much fun and thought I looked amazing. I was proud that I wasn’t a normie ;]

Also... it’s so humid in this country and the rubber bottoms of my boots actually stuck to the pavement and fell off. I spent the day without the bottoms of my shoes and it was so funny. Even my mom laughed after (she laughed for so long, it was adorable) and she said only I could pull it off and that the friend I walk to school with everyday is lucky to have me as a friend. My mom was telling me about how she never had a friend like me growing up, just so weird and goofy. And it made me happy to think that I can bring so much... zaniness to people’s lives

ao3:

been writing a lot more recently! haven’t been posting on my writing blog since it’s all fanfiction, but it’s helping me write! I update one of my stories every two weeks. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, it’s a nice reminder that I actually can be consistent. I may be getting better... who knows :)

nehs:

been editing lots of papers even though I don’t need to anymore since I made vp of my school’s nehs chapter. but it’s helping me learn too! I’m very instinctual when writing, but obviously when I’m editing I can’t just ask them to change something because “it doesn’t sound right”. So I google explanations and then tell the people who’s papers I’m editing. It helps both them and me!

ipad/drawing:

got a new ipad for my birthday. been messing around with procreate. been doodling in class (only dream team characters so far lol). might be getting better... hopefully I am!

also have a sticky notes app on my ipad and been creating to-do lists! yay!

teaching:

been teaching students in cambodia! last year I had a teaching partner who guided lessons mostly. this year I’m the leading teacher. It’s helping with my fear of leadership and responsibility.

social:

still not the most social, but more active on snapchat now with keeping in contact with some of the cultural convention kids. covids made it harder to keep in contact, and I’ve been trying to reach out more to my closest friend who I’ve not hung out with in a while. not that we don’t see each other at lunch every other day, but I walk to school with, share a class and after school study hall with another friend. so comparably, I’ve spent less time with my closest friend.

recently had a spa day with my small neighborhood gang! my friend painted my other guy friend’s nails! yes! we used face masks as well :)

general update:

- went to the pool the other day and now I’m hecka burnt

- yesterday I wrote letters for honor society points, caught up on math hw, wrote a reflection and plan for a class, reviewed chinese with my mom, met up with my “mentor” for a class

- have been helping a lot of people! am currently a part of two people’s pieces for their theater class and I have a rehearsal later today!

- was doing a lot of work as an officer of thespian honor society—I’m likely going to be on the officer team again next year and, until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t felt like I’d been doing much and was feeling unworthy. but then I was proactive about something and updated our sponser (school’s drama director) on what we as officers decided. felt... prettyyy goooodddd :)

- !!! yesterday I went on a walk and brought money and my student ID, ready to buy bubble tea, but then... I mustered up what little willpower I had and then didn’t buy it. Instead, I bought surprise lilies for my mom (and some groceries she asked me to get)   - been trying to cut out unnecessary sugars and foods. if I’m not hungry, I shouldn’t eat, but also... I listen to my body and if I’m feeling really snacky, I’ll indulge   - recently been craving ice cream, but not the flavors in my fridge so instead I’m just not eating ice cream at all and ate an apple once as a substitute :D

- not sure if I’ve been sleeping more, but it kinda feels like I have been?

- started taking pictures of the world when I think it’s pretty one sunny afternoon when I was laughing lots with a friend... especially right after cul con, I was taking a lot more pictures...

- just been more active (not physically... though occasionally, when bored, I’ll stretch some... but I should try and get more active (I mean... the walk yesterday?))... creatively speaking (ao3, with art), socially online (cul con kids), in person (making plans over spring break!)...

- I just feel like I’ve been putting more effort into life

of course, there are the down bits, like for one project based class where the end product is due in May-ish and it focuses on the “process”... I’m just... not... process-ing. I chose a writing project (why). I’m focusing a lot on my side projects, but not my class writing one :/ as well as that, when assignments pick up, I do too, but when I get down time I feel like I deserve it (which I do!) but I don’t work ahead. I’ve been really busy though. Teaching got cancelled because the school in Cambodia shut down unfortunately due to covid. But before spring break, I was teaching, editing papers, writing my own for lang, doing cul con and then catching up on work I missed because of cul con, studying for tests, attending rehearsals... there’s a lot going on and I need to recognize that I am doing so well, especially compared with a few months prior when I was in a much darker place.

mostly stress has been my plague, but yeah! also in the span of one week, two classes bumped up a grade (or half a grade... we have letters and + system (no -)) so my previously low gpa became slightly less low! It gave me confidence that I can end the semester strong!

procrastination: another plague. I keep delaying setting up college counseling meetings and have delayed this update for a while now... and the project-class...

also have babysitting jobs again so we gon get some monnaayyyyy! (job is not from people we met at the pool, but we did meet people at the pool and their kids liked me so much they asked me mom to get me to babysit them... another boost to confidence! yay :) I’m a likeable person :] )

thanks for sticking around! I’m glad I’m getting this update in because I’m doing... really well :D hope you guys are also doing well or that it gets better!