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Dick Grayson grew 20 new gray hairs every day that he was Batman

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:(

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if Damian can imitate voices then there’s no way he doesn’t steal Bruce’s phone Friday Night Dinner style to harass Tim.

Tim, picking up a call from Bruce: Hello?

Damian, imitating Bruce perfectly: Timothy, I need you to stay away from the gala tonight. You are short and unapplealing and I don’t want to be seen with you.

Tim:

Tim, tired as fuck: Damian, never in my life has Bruce referred to me as ‘Timothy’. I know it’s you.

Damian, softly: fuck.

Damian: *hangs up*

-

*ring ring*

Tim: yeah?

Damian as Bruce, calling at 2AM: i birthed you.

Tim: eh?

Damian: it was a 12 hour labour.

Tim:

Damian: you tore my crotch beyond repair-

Tim: ok- Damian i know it’s you now KNOCK IT OFF.

-

Tim, hanging out with Jason: oh, B just sent me a voice message?

Jason: ?? the fucks he want, play it.

Tim: *presses play*

Bruce: you remind me of a baby hippo. grey skin and wide, unintelligent eyes.

Tim and Jason:

Tim and Jason:

Jason: wh-

Tim: i understand why you tried to kill me now.

Tim: having little brothers is a fucking travesty.

Jason:

Jason: so was that not Bruce?

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Citizen A: He parks in my spot every night even though it’s clearly labeled.

Citizen B: You don’t own the street, Brenda!

Jason: steps between them in full gear, helmet reflecting the flickering alley light

Jason: Okay. We’re going to solve this like adults. Brenda, when was the last time you actually parked in that spot?

Brenda: Well—since he keeps taking it—

Jason: Uh-huh. And you, Josh, you ever consider not being a petty little shit?

Josh: ...

Jason: Here's how this is going to work. From now on, you alternate nights. Brenda gets even-numbered dates, Josh gets odd. You violate this, and I come back with a boot for each of your cars and a recording of Nickelback’s greatest hits on loop for 12 hours.

They shake hands in terrified silence.

Jason: Good. turns and walks off. Another peaceful resolution..

Jason has started a side business as Gotham's most feared mediator. His success rate is 100%, mostly because people are too terrified to continue arguing.

Random Gotham Citizen: ranting My neighbor keeps playing music too loud—

Jason: What kind of music?

Citizen: Does it matter?

Jason: If it's good music, I'll ask them to turn it down. If it's bad music, I'll make sure they never play music again.

Citizen: ...it's country pop?

Jason: cracks knuckles Oh, we're gonna have a conversation about their taste AND their volume.

———

Steph: I heard you mediated a custody dispute between two villains over who gets to keep the hyena.

Jason: Harley won. Obviously. But now the hyena is trained to growl every time it hears Pitbull music.

Cass: Scary. But effective.

Jason: Put that on my business card.

———

Bruce: reading an official letter from the GCPD “Red Hood has resolved 34 neighbor disputes, de-escalated 11 road rage incidents, and mediated a PTA meeting that was about to turn into a fistfight over bake sale proceeds.” Jason. What are you doing?

Jason: kicking his boots off They weren’t resolving it themselves. I’m empowering the community.

Dick: By threatening to shove subwoofers up their—

Jason: Allegedly.

Tim: To be fair, noise complaints in Crime Alley are down.

Jason: Thank you, runt. See? Tim gets it. 

Tim: I didn't say it was legal. 

Jason: Details, Timmy. Details.

Damian: Fear is a valid deterrent. I approve. But next time, invite me. I wish to deliver an informed lecture on dubstep.

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Jason started a side business as Gotham's most feared mediator. His success rate is 100%, mostly because people are too terrified to continue arguing.

Random Gotham Citizen: ranting My neighbor keeps playing music too loud—

Jason: What kind of music?

Citizen: Does it matter?

Jason: If it's good music, I'll ask them to turn it down. If it's bad music, I'll make sure they never play music again.

Citizen: ...it's country pop?

Jason: cracks knuckles Oh, we're gonna have a conversation about their taste AND their volume.

———

Steph: I heard you mediated a custody dispute between two villains over who gets to keep the hyena.

Jason: Harley won. Obviously. But now the hyena is trained to growl every time it hears Pitbull music.

Cass: Scary. But effective.

Jason: Put that on my business card.

———

Bruce: reading an official letter from the GCPD “Red Hood has resolved 34 neighbor disputes, de-escalated 11 road rage incidents, and mediated a PTA meeting that was about to turn into a fistfight over bake sale proceeds.” Jason. What are you doing?

Jason: kicking his boots off They weren’t resolving it themselves. I’m empowering the community.

Dick: By threatening to shove subwoofers up their—

Jason: Allegedly.

Tim: To be fair, noise complaints in Crime Alley are down.

Jason: Thank you, runt. See? Tim gets it. 

Tim: I didn't say it was legal. 

Jason: Details, Timmy. Details.

Damian: Fear is a valid deterrent. I approve. But next time, invite me. I wish to deliver an informed lecture on dubstep.

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Nobody speak to me I need to mourn our loss

Oh we could’ve had it all

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The Batcave has a “Do Not Talk To Me” couch. It’s sacred. It’s unspoken. It’s real.

okay so. picture this:

the batcave has one couch. it's in the corner. it’s hideous. it’s like beige or green or something equally offensive to every one of their aesthetics. no one likes the couch.

and that is exactly why it became sacred.

because one night jason just. drops onto it. full gear. bleeding. absolutely done with life. says nothing. doesn’t even take off the helmet. sits there in silence for 3 hours and then leaves.

next week tim uses it. sits there post-mission. face in hands. someone tries to ask if he’s okay and jason throws a batarang at them.

and thus it began.

Rules of the Do Not Talk To Me Couch:

You sit there? No one speaks to you.

You cry? No you didn’t.

You eat cold noodles off your chest at 4 a.m.? That’s sacred time.

If someone tries to comfort you? They are excommunicated for 12 hours.

Dick (sitting on the couch):

Damian: Grayson, are you—

Jason (from across the cave): HE’S ON THE COUCH.

Jason: I don’t make the rules.

Steph: You LITERALLY made the rules.

Jason: And I am the defender of the rules. There’s a difference.

one time damian storms in. covered in blood. absolutely furious. 10/10 rage goblin energy. throws his sword. marches to the couch. sits. arms crossed. steaming.

tim takes one look at him and goes: “i’m making tea.”

jason: “that’s acceptable. tea is allowed. talking is not.”

bonus:

once bruce sits on it.

and the ENTIRE CAVE goes silent.

tim literally freezes mid-typing. cass stops mid-flip. jason just mutters “oh shit.”

they all leave. immediately.

the couch is not ready for bruce.

extra bonus:

alfred vacuums around the couch. never says a word. leaves snacks in a silent offering. once placed a weighted blanket gently on jason’s shoulder. that’s different. he’s allowed.

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You guys don’t understand how much I love them

Don’t worry, bud, Bruce will get it eventually…

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Jason “drama queen” Todd definitely has numerous ways of fucking with Bruce.

One of those ways is just "dying" in increasingly dramatic ways around the manor just to mess with him.

Bruce will walk into the kitchen to find Jason face-down in a bowl of cereal with blood everywhere, and Alfred standing there completely unfazed.

"Master Jason has 'died' four times this week, sir. I've stopped cleaning up the messes."

Dick thinks it's hilarious and has started rating the performances. Damian offers unsolicited critiques ("Your positioning is unrealistic. The blood splatter pattern suggests you would have fallen backwards, not forwards.")

Tim just steps over Jason's "corpse" in the hallway while typing on his phone, completely desensitized. Once he actually used Jason's "dead body" as a desk to sign documents.

The one time Jason actually gets hurt (falling down the stairs while texting), everyone ignores his genuine groans and calls for help for a solid ten minutes.

"I think my ankle is actually broken this time!"

"6/10. The desperation is convincing but the scenario lacks creativity." Dick calls from another room.

Bruce walks in, sees Jason at the bottom of the stairs, sighs deeply, and walks out.

Cass is the only one who can always tell when Jason is actually hurt. She'll silently appear with a first aid kit when it's real, and with theater makeup when he's faking, to help make the "death" more convincing.

During a charity gala, Jason "assassinated himself" by dramatically stumbling into the ballroom with a realistic plastic arrow through his chest, whispering "Et tu, Bruce?" before collapsing onto the dessert table. Bruce just handed his champagne to a confused socialite and said, "Excuse me, I need to dispose of a body. Again."

When asked why he keeps doing this, Jason just shrugs and says, "Coming back from the dead once was traumatic. Coming back from the dead thirty times in ridiculous ways? That's therapy."

"Plus," he adds, wiping off fake blood, "the look on Bruce's face that time I recreated my actual death scene with a crowbar and mannequin was worth every second in actual therapy I'll need later."

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Big fan of AUs where Gotham villains have figured out the Bats' patrol schedules and have an unspoken agreement to avoid certain areas on specific nights.

Nobody wants to deal with Red Hood on Tuesdays (he's always in a bad mood after mandatory family dinner). Nightwing on Thursdays is a menace (that's when he tries out new puns). Robin on weekends is excessively violent (no homework = extra energy). Red Robin during finals week is your sign to keep away from alleyways and pray.

Batman is always Batman, but villains know he's slightly less intimidating on Monday nights (when Alfred makes cookies), because there's a 50% chance of finding him on a rooftop, cowl pushed back just enough, stress-eating.

There's a betting pool among henchmen about which Bat will show up to stop their crimes. Joker keeps sabotaging it by specifically planning his schemes to get the "full set" of Bats to show up at once.

Catwoman maintains a detailed spreadsheet that she sells to new villains for an exorbitant fee. It includes notes like "Avoid the East End on Wednesday nights - B & eldest bird do weird acrobatic challenges. You will lose." and "Third bird stress bakes after patrols. If you must commit crimes, do it before 2am so he has time for sourdough."

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The Bat kids definitely all know each others' most embarrassing moments and leverage this knowledge mercilessly.

They have an unspoken rule that these stories never leave the family, but within Wayne Manor, everything is fair game.

Tim can't live down the time he sleepwalked into a Justice League meeting and gave a twenty-minute presentation on why hotdogs are basically a taco before anyone woke him up.

Dick is still haunted by the security footage of him practicing pickup lines in the Batcave mirror while wearing the Nightwing suit. ("Hey there, they call me Nightwing, but you can call me... anytime." finger guns)

Jason refuses to acknowledge the existence of his teenage poetry journal that Damian found and distributed to everyone. No one is allowed to mention the phrase "darkness of my bleeding soul" in his presence.

Damian pretends he doesn't know about the video of him baby-talking to a kitten for forty-five minutes straight while thinking no one was home.

Bruce has no embarrassing moments because he's Batman. Except for the time he got his cape stuck in the Batmobile door and dragged himself halfway across Gotham before realizing.

The only person with no embarrassing stories is Alfred, because Alfred has never done anything embarrassing in his entire life. He does, however, have a comprehensive file of everyone else's moments that he threatens to show at galas when they misbehave.

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The Batfam definitely has a group chat called "Official Mission Communications ONLY" that Bruce created with the strictest instructions about its purpose.

It lasted exactly 12 hours before Dick sent a meme.

Now it's just chaos, but Bruce never leaves because secretly it's how he keeps tabs on everyone.

Every few weeks he'll respond to 74 messages of nonsense with a single "Focus." and everyone behaves for approximately 5 minutes.

The real mission communications happen in individual texts directly to Bruce, who feels a tiny spark of relief each time his phone pings with "OFFICIAL MISSION CHAT (217 unread messages)" because it means they're all still alive enough to be annoying.

Occasionally in the middle of arguments about cereal rankings and who stole whose equipment, Bruce will just type "Status?" and everyone immediately responds with their location and condition. No one ever comments on this ritual, but everyone participates without fail.

Even Jason, who once replied "bleeding out in an alley but the cereal argument is worth it" which resulted in five vigilantes converging on his location in under three minutes.

The most treasured screenshot in Tim's blackmail folder is from the one time Bruce accidentally sent "proud of you all" at 3:42 AM after a particularly rough night. No one has ever mentioned it directly, but Damian has it printed and hidden in his sketchbook.

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I love the idea of Jason somehow becoming Damian's designated driving instructor when he turns 16. Nobody remembers how it happened, least of all Jason.

———

"You're going to kill us both," Jason says calmly, one hand braced against the dashboard as Damian takes a corner at approximately twice the recommended speed.

"Tt. I have perfect reflexes, Todd. I was trained by the League of Assassins."

"Yeah, to kill people, not parallel park. Slow DOWN."

The car screeches to a halt at a red light, throwing them both forward. Jason sighs deeply.

"I've literally trained with Formula One drivers," Damian mutters, tapping impatiently on the steering wheel. “I’ve been driving since I could speak.”

"Is that why you're treating Gotham's pothole-ridden streets like Monaco? Light's green."

As Damian accelerates again, Jason gets a text. He glances down to see it's from Dick.

'how's it going?'

'he's either going to be the best driver in the family or we're both going to die. no in-between.'

"Stop texting Grayson about me," Damian says without looking away from the road.

"Stop reading my texts while you're DRIVING."

"I have peripheral vision superior to—"

"I SWEAR TO GOD, DEMON SPAWN—"

Bruce calls Jason later that night. "How did it go?"

"Great. Your son only tried to kill me seven different ways with my beat up old Toyota. New record."

"So... you'll take him again Thursday?"

Jason hangs up, but they both know he'll be there.

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headcanon that the bat kids have a shared note on their phones called "shit bruce says that's technically not a lie but is INCREDIBLY misleading"

examples include:

bruce, calmly sipping coffee while covered in bandages: "the mission went fine"

bruce, after disappearing for 3 days: "i was busy with work"

bruce, to a socialite asking about his kids: "they're very well-behaved"

bruce, after alfred finds him testing potentially lethal tech on himself: "the chances of catastrophic failure are statistically insignificant"

and the latest addition, from last tuesday:

tim: "did you seriously tell superman you were 'mildly inconvenienced' when you had THREE BROKEN RIBS?"

bruce, not looking up from his computer: "three broken ribs IS a mild inconvenience"

jason, walking past: "to fucking WHO?"

bruce: "language."

jason: "TO WHOM, then, you absolute psychopath?"

———

damian adds his own entry later that night:

"Father told me today that Grayson was 'somewhat enthusiastic' as Robin. This is the same Grayson who did a quadruple somersault off a skyscraper just to catch a hat that was blowing away from a civilian."

dick, reading over his shoulder: "in my defense, it was a really nice hat."

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LMAO I absolutely love this

———

Bruce rarely posts, but this six-second video shows him standing in the doorway of what appears to be the living room. The camera is focused on the couch where all five kids (Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian, and Cass) are asleep in a pile after what was clearly a movie night. Popcorn bowls and blankets are everywhere.

Bruce says nothing in the video, but the camera lingers on the scene before cutting out.

Comments flood in:

AlfredPennyworth: "I've saved this video for posterity, sir."

ClarkKent: "This is the most emotion I've ever seen from you, Bruce."

DianaOfThemyscira: "❤️"

RandomCommenter173: “Is that fucking Jason Todd??”

big fan of the idea of the wayne family not mentioning the fact that jason is alive again. instead he just shows up in the background of the kids snap stories and they all collectively refuse to comment on it ever.

~

The camera opens onto a close up of Tim’s face.

“You guys have to see how cute Ace and Damian are right now, it’s insane.”

The view switches to a living area, centring on a plush armchair where Ace and Damian are both curled up around each other, fast asleep as they cuddle. The camera turns back to Tim’s face.

“He’ll kill me if he ever finds out I have video evidence of him being cute, but he is adorable no matter how much he denies it.”

“Yeah real cute,” Another male voice, this time deeper, is heard somewhere off camera. As it continues, an adult Jason Todd walks past behind Tim. “Right up until he stabs you in the neck with a pencil and you have to get checked for led poisoning.”

Tim snickers, turning to grin at Jason as he walks out the room.

~

Steph holds the camera close to her face from a lowdown angle, positioned up to her chin as she stands in what appears to be a lavish hall. She glances down and holds a finger up to silently ‘shush’ the camera, before looking back up and grinning at something off camera. “The boys are fighting,” She whispers, amused.

“HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU BE?!” Tim’s voice is heard, muffled from the distance. “‘IS WINNIE THE POOH A BEAR?’ NO, HE’S AN OSTRICH YOU DUMB BITCH- WHAT DO YOU THINK HE IS?!”

“IT WAS AN INNOCENT QUESTION!” Dick’s voice screams back. “YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SO MEAN-”

“YOU GREW UP IN A FUCKING CIRCUS.” A voice sounding much like Jason Todd’s except older shoots Dick down, and Stephanie bits her lip to stop from laughing. “YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ANIMALS, DICKFACE.”

“STAY OUT OF IT JASON, THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU!”

“SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU STOLE MY FUCKING PHONE CHARGER!”

Damian’s angry voice shrieks out loudly from another part of the house, “CAN YOU THREE SHUT THE FUCK UP?”

Instantly, the first three voices respond, overlapping each other loudly;

“DON’T FUCKING SWEAR-“

“-LANGUAGE, DAMIAN-“

“DON’T MAKE ME CALL BRUCE-!”

“OH MY GOD.” Damian yells back, resigned. Stephanie finally breaks and the clip ends as she starts cackling.

~

Damian’s snapchat story starts with him walking down the hall, the camera outwards and showing as he turns into a library where Tim is reading in a window seat. He walks up to his brother, waiting until Tim looks up from his book with narrowed eyes.

“What do you want?” He asks, suspiciously eyeing the camera. “Why are you filming me?”

Damian is silent. His right arm raises, a paintball gun in hand. Tim clocks it, eyes widening.

“Damian wait nO-“

BANG.

Damian shoots him in the chest, and green paint splatters all over him and his book. Tim yells out in pain and anger and the video becomes blurry as Damian turns to rush out of the room.

“YOU BRAT, GET BACK HERE-“ The picture is a mess of blurred carpet and the sounds of light breathing as Damian runs away from the scene of the crime. He finally slows with the picture still aimed at the ground, showing a pair of socked feet that Damain comes to a stop in front of.

“I did it, you owe me twenty dollars.” Damian is heard, triumphant.

“This is why you’re my favourite brother.” A voice replies.

“JASON YOU PIECE OF SHIT, I KNOW YOU’RE THE ONE THAT KEEPS PAYING PEOPLE TO DO THAT!” Tim is heard distantly.

“I think he is onto you.” Damian warns.

“Eh, I’ve already died once. Life is too short to not take the piss out of your brothers.”

The clip ends.

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Headcannon that Alfred has a secret Instagram account. He just posts about the insane household accidents at Wayne Manor with literally no context. 

His most popular post is simply captioned "Master Tim set the kitchen on fire attempting to make toast. Again."

Somehow, the account has over 500,000 followers of people growing increasingly invested.

His other popular posts include:

Muddy footprints acrross a gorgeous ceiling: “I have many questions about how Master Jason's boot prints came to be on the ceiling of the east wing corridor. He refuses to explain beyond claiming it was 'definitely Tim's fault' and that 'gravity was being unreasonable today.' Master Bruce has requested I not ask further questions.”

A photo of numerous coffee mugs hidden in bizarre locations: "The ongoing archaeological expedition to retrieve Master Tim's forgotten coffee cups continues. Today's discoveries included one inside a houseplant, two behind the grandfather clock, and one inexplicably on the chandelier."

A broken window with an arrow through it: "Master Damian's archery practice has once again violated our agreement about 'appropriate indoor activities.' Master Bruce has been informed."

A ceiling covered in colorful splatters: "Master Dick insisted his acrobatic skills would allow him to carry an entire birthday cake while performing a triple somersault. The ceiling disagrees."

An image of a completely disassembled grandfather clock with parts meticulously arranged on the floor: "Master Barbara asked for the time. Master Timothy decided the clock was 'running 0.002 seconds slow' and required immediate intervention. Dinner will be delayed until the main entrance is passable again."

The east wing covered in rubber ducks: “Master Dick claimed it was 'for science.' When pressed further, admitted it was retaliation for Master Jason's previous week's glitter bomb incident. Have scheduled additional therapy sessions for all parties involved.”

Alfred never mentions Batman or vigilante activities, but the posts are so outlandish people straight up have conspiracy theories about them.

Follower: "Time travelers. It's the only explanation for how they survive. They redo the timeline when things go wrong."

@ ManorMishaps: "If time travel were involved, I would hope they'd prevent incidents rather than merely surviving them. The toaster budget alone would benefit from such intervention."

Follower: "Alien research facility. The purple slime? The color-changing ceiling? ALIENS." 

@ ManorMishaps: "I believe you've been watching too many science fiction programs. Though I must admit the ceiling phenomenon continues to baffle our contractor."

Follower: "These are clearly stunt performers for action movies. No normal family could cause this much property damage." 

@ ManorMishaps: "An interesting theory. However, I've yet to see any of our incidents recreated in Hollywood. They lack the imagination."

Follower: "Wait, is that a BATARANG in the background of the third pic???" 

@ ManorMishaps: "I believe you're seeing the shadow of an unusually shaped serving spoon. Nothing to see here."

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I'd eat ur art but it looks like a lot of people have already gotten a bite... is there any leftovers? (btw I love your art and style!)

thank you^^! happy to hear<3

here are some leftover sketches of Dick and Jason I never posted lamo