#‘stop being disorder you piece of fuck’

[talkorsomething]

...well, i now officially know i've lost weight.

Like... a lot? a lot more than i had thought?

Which is. Odd because honestly pretty much everything still feels like it fits about the same...

I guess it explains why i've been more cold?!

+ also i dont know Why it's so much... if i start eating like a normal human being again i don't... really *want* to go over where i started? :/ i guess i'd maybe be fine w/ being about the same because i know it won't be That big of a difference. Or i don't think it will anyways? Hm...

[fatmaclover]

going through loops and loops of "i got sick thinking about macdennis. i wanna write joymac" and then "thinking about joymac is making me so sad. i wanna go back to writing macden" and then it keeps repeating and i never actually write anything because i think about the characters too much and feel like a fuckin grouper with all my babys in my mouth. like oh my God dude. holy shit. can this show stop being so tragic

[cigarette-room]

not to be too philosophical on main but some of you people need to spend extensive time in therapy and unlearning your harmful behaviors before you should be allowed to seek closeness with others, for their sake

[aromantic-diaries]

The three mental illnesses are

Terminal child syndrome lol sorry you'll be infantilized forever and never get any basic respect we have the right to not treat you like an adult and make life worse for you in the name of helping, or shun you completely :)

Just stop doing that you useless cunt go the fuck outside and stop being a burden to society get the fuck up and stop having this illness. Have this list of pop psychology bullshit and get your shit together. We can still romanticize your struggle if you're hot and manage it just well enough to not be a useless cunt

Irredeemable piece of shit disorder uh sorry but your vibe is off and you should go to jail for it I fucking hate you and you deserve nothing you vile piece of human garbage you need to be avoided at all costs everyone should cut you off immediately no one should have to put up with you you manipulative asshole

[patchiko]

Hear me out

AK!Jason with a s/o whose love language is sharing food, but them being the one who gives him the biggest and tastiest slice, the one who pours a little more juice or soda on Jason's glass and the type of givin AK!Jason the cleanest spoon.

im making this angsty and comforty because. because. because.

tw; eating disorder, throw up/vomit, canon torture affects implied,

i want to hold him.

an s/o like this would be soooo lovely for him because, however. (this takes awhile)

listen you could give him the most amazing meal, and he’ll scarf it down but not because it's amazing. but it's because you gave it to him. he doesn’t want to make you feel any type of way; but the way his heart shudders when he scrambles out your window late at night, the way he can't stop himself from retching in a trash can makes him feel borderline unlovable.

hearing his mothers voice ring about how they ‘couldn’t afford to be wasteful’

he can’t stop wondering if this is his body rejecting purity after being indulged in hatred for so long. he can’t help but wonder if he’s even meant to be in your presence. he can’t help but wonder if he was even meant to eat in the first place.

hearing the lunatic who he believed to make more of a man out of him then his father say he was ‘being wasteful’

he can't stop wondering if you poisoned it. he can’t stop wondering if the meat wasn’t fully cooked. he can’t stop wondering if someone else poisoned it. he can’t stop wondering if something had gone rotten and you hadn’t noticed.

Jason was wondering the wrong thing, because he hadn’t expected to turn around and you staring down at him from your window.

Jason slurred out something about a ‘Stomach Issue’ and how the food was still amazing.

He didn’t know at the time that this random white lie would save his predicament.

Whenever he came over you paced him, giving him small portions at a time, having him pour his own drinks.

Purposely sitting on the couch and asking him if he could serve himself, watching how much he did to replicate.

Making a less food so he wouldn’t feel overwhelmed with the leftovers he saw in the pots.

Making lighter meals whenever he came over.

His problem didn’t go away like he was perfect, he would still vomit those small meals, gag after a half of a coke. Even when he was young and just began living with Bruce, he couldn’t always stomach those hefty boujee steaks.

But just one meal at a time, watching you cook, how sweet you were when you held his hair out of his eyes while he was throwing up in your toilet, the way you rubbed his shoulder when you noticed he was slowing down on the meal, letting him take home leftovers, just those baby steps mean a lot to him.

Jason figuring out that you give him the cleanest spoon to go with his freshly tossed salad and giving him prettiest peace of chicken you made, and the way you piece the cup before setting it down in front of him. It meant a lot to him.

ugh, he has heart eyes while watching you fuck up that salad.

[hyunjins-orange-slice-too]

masterlist and important info

here we are, folks. 💕

hyunjins-orange-slice 2.0! i was forced to make a new blog, so i will be reposting all of my works from the original hyunjins-orange-slice here. and some new things im working on!

🚨THIS IS AN 18+ ONLY BLOG🚨

ageless and blank blogs will be blocked, no questions asked. (if you have fixed the issue, or feel you have been blocked unfairly, send a DM to @secret-orange-slice )

everything posted here is fiction and in no way represents stray kids in reality

my requests are open- the only rules i have are: i only write for skz, no noncon and no pregnancy, and nothing illegal. i reserve the right to deny any request for any reason. if i don’t answer your request, it means im not comfortable with it or i just haven’t got to it yet. feel free to send me a message for clarification. :)

im not on a posting schedule, i just post when it feels right.

please be kind and respectful. 💕

Regally Smitten Masterlist

FLUFF

chan:

domestic drabble

thank you (another domestic drabble)

am i even your bias? (3racha drabble)

his princess (my first ever tumblr post)

confessions (fake text)

random texts with bf chan

asking bf chan if he would save you from zombies (texts, request)

when a song makes him think of you (texts)

reacting to jjam mv (texts)

random texts with daddy chan (ddlg, princess)

random comfort text

'connected' (chan series)

chapter one chapter two chapter three chapter four chapter five

chapter six

chapter seven

changbin

when changbin misses you (texts)

jeongin

fake texts noona request

minho

the color? he’s lame (texts, minho confession, request)

seungmin

random texts with bf seungmin

felix

random texts with bf felix

ot8

do you still love me? (text)

more jeongin and seungmin texts

ANGST

minho drabble (idk if this is “angst” it’s just sad) hyunjin drunk argument hyunjin drunk argument part2

i’m not your fucking dad (fake texts, chan breakup)

toxic chan being jealous (texts)

jisung when he’s distant because of work (texts, happy ending, request)

stop banging on the door (chan, texts)

chan confesses after you get caught with changbin (texts)

han confesses after catching you with minho (texts, request)

jeongin confesses and hyunjin confesses (texts, request)

stop hanging out with my family (hyung line, texts, request)

baby you’re a blessing (texts, jeongin angst)

jealous skz when someone pays for your food (texts, request)

jealous skz from above part 2 (texts)

jealous changbin texts (request)

HURT/COMFORT

chan

untitled

i can’t stand to see you cry

nightmare

texts when you’re anxious about a date

texts bsf chan (who may be in love with you) when your boyfriend isnt being a good boyfriend

what daddy chan says to comfort you

when you cancel plans because you’re feeling insecure (texts)

when your period is close (texts)

han

if you’re feeling it, then it’s valid (texts, request)

hyunjin

here’s the plan (period request)

untitled (eating disorder comfort)

felix

my wittle pookie wookie bear

changbin

texts when you injure yourself at the gym (request)

changbin confesses after you’re stood up (texts, request)

seungmin

texts bsf seungmin when you have a bad breakup

when you tell him you have anxiety

SMUT 18+

chan

his good girl, always (my favorite piece i’ve done) safe word (hard dom chan)

sleepy morning drabble

kissing (short oral drabble)

untitled (oral backstage at music core)

reacting to his insta (fake text)

untitled (soft dom chan, somnophilia)

i said, sit (daddy chan, face riding)

karma in the shape of a god

all the things chan would whisper in your ear

kneeling on the floor (chan version)

adrenaline rush (lolla chicago suggestive drabble)

so is it true? (texts)

reacting to dominATE seoul photos (texts, daddy chan)

is this what you had in mind, baby? (daddy chan)

i’ll help you through it, yeah? (virgin reader, request)

minho

untitled (dom minho, bondage, etc)

i like your panties

i like your cock (i like your panties part 2)

hyunjin

Daddy, let me help

Daddy, let me help part 2

sleepy morning drabble

untitled (soft dom hyunjin punishment)

is the door even locked? (soft dom daddy hyunjin, public sex)

han

wash it first (phone sex)

kneeling on the floor (han version)

ot8

skz catching you reading fan fiction

skz when you say ily in bed

when you’re too shy to send a spicy picture (texts- hyung line)

when you’re too shy to send a spicy picture (texts- maknae line)

skz when you text “you can come now, they’re gone.”

the one where chan teaches minho to share

if you like that, what if i did this? (minsung x reader)

calling them by their name request (texts)

best friend skz catching you masturbating (texts hyung line)

best friend skz catching you masturbating (texts maknae line)

flirting with bsf skz (texts, request) hyung line

flirting with bsf skz (texts, maknae line)

fuck the sadness out of me (3racha, texts, request)

well it worked (fuck the sadness out of me, 3racha, written part 2)

now you don’t have to choose (texts, jeongin and seungmin)

skz helping you shave (texts)

daddy!chan helping you shave

[younme-andher]

i'm annoyed again so just friendly reminder for all of you an@ bitches: stop referring to eating one meal, or one chocolate bar, or one piece of fruit as a b1nge.

don't try to come at me saying "well, binging is all about the mindset and feeling guilty-" you have a restrictive eating disorder. eating anything is going to make you feel guilty. binge eating is defined as eating an unusually large amount of food in one sitting, followed by feelings of guilt and/or shame. so no, "sk1nnyd0ll_333" and "lanasasshole", you're not bingeing because you're @norexic and decided to have a meal.

stop saying you have bullim1@ if you do not binge. bullimia is bingeing and then pvrging after (by excersise, lax, sick etc). bingeing is part of the disorder.

you might not realize it, but you are just causing more misconceptions about bed and binge eating as a whole by saying all these things. your "haha i love calling eating a meal a binge" memes aren't funny, they're just upsetting to those of us who do struggle with binge eating, and are stuck in the binge-restrict cycle. i don't care if you "feel" like eating one fucking apple is a binge. at the end of the day, y'all aren't brain dead - you know that it's not.

please do better. it hurts, as someone who struggles badly with binge eating, to see people call eating a normal meal or amount bingeing when my binges have me lying in bed unable to move. it's like - if this is what you think is a binge, then what i'm doing is just disgusting.

bed and binge eating as a whole is an incredibly misunderstood topic when it comes to eating disorders, despite being as common as @na. don't contribute to the misinformation by classifying something as a binge when you know it isn't.

[nick-writes-stuff]

Coming Home (MC reunites with the demons post-Nightbringer)

Satan x Reader

warnings: one use of MC, hurt/comfort, anger toward reader for a moment, disordered eating mentioned?

notes: I'm gonna be doing a series of these for the brothers! I have one for mammon half-written and ideas for beel and lucifer. i still need to think over belphie, levi, and asmo so they might come later!

Reentering the House of Lamentation was a strange feeling. You hadn't really left it, as you were in the building constantly throughout your stay in the past. But it wasn't the same place you knew. Most of the aspects that gave the building its charm were missing in the past, and it just felt a lot less like home.

You made your way up the stairs as quietly as possible. When you imagined coming back to your time, you didn't think you would be sneaking in, rather loudly announcing your presence to the brothers. But as you spent time with the past versions of the brothers, you knew that one of them would definitely need your presence as soon as possible.

Satan.

You couldn't imagine the thoughts he must have been thinking. Back when he was newly created, he was so angry and unpredictable and violent. But you saw through the facade the whole time. He was just scared and confused and you knew that. However present-day Satan is convinced you are never coming back because he did something to you in the past.

He had hardly talked to any of his brothers since you vanished. He spent hours going through every single book in his collection, desperately searching for any information that could bring you back to him. When his search didn't lead to any breakthroughs, he tore the library apart in a rage. Lucifer tried to be supportive but ended up causing one of the worst fights the two had ever had. He had been holed up in his room since, over two weeks alone to ruminate and loathe himself for how he likely treated you in the past. He only ate when Beel and Belphie brought something up from dinner, although on nights when Lucifer cooked, he didn't make Satan a serving out of spite about their confrontation.

You needed to see him. You had to prove him wrong and show him that he was wrong about himself. He needed to know you were okay and that you still loved him with every fiber of your being.

The metal doorknob was cold in your hands. The house was still and quiet except for your heart racing. You twisted it slowly, trying not to make much noise to alert the other 6 brothers.

You entered the room with confidence that you knew how to navigate the room. You had been living in the past for so long that you had a good sense of where Satan's piles of books were placed even in the dark.

After your foot made contact with the spine of a hardcover book, you came to the sudden realization that the layout of piles in the room had likely changed within the many, many years since the time you were accustomed to. A stack of books came crashing down to the floor with a thud.

Before you could say a word, you heard the bed creak loudly and saw the faint silhouette of Satan's demon form rise from his bed. His voice boomed through the room as he charged closer to your location: "I swear to Diavolo whoever is in here I'm going to fucking rip you to pieces if y-"

Unlike most individuals in the devildom, you didn't even flinch as one of the most powerful demons moved to attack. Instead you interrupted him by flicking the light switch in the room with your magic. This stopped Satan in his tracks as he instinctively closed his eyes due to the sudden brightness. Once he opened his eyes again, his eyes landed on you. Looking at you with a gaze only the present-day Satan, your Satan, would have toward you. Not a glare of hatred and anger and disgust but rather his green eyes full of concern and love.

Before he even thought about checking you for any injuries, he rushed forward and pulled you into his arms. He buried his face into your neck as he let out a strangled sob. You felt your heart break into a million pieces at the sound of his sorrow. One hand rubbed circles on his back while the other found its way into his hair.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm okay. I'm right here, " you said softly. You continued murmuring similar sentiments to him until you heard the door swing open behind you.

"What the hell is going on in here-" You hear Lucifer's voice, cutting himself off once he recognized that it was you.

You felt Satan tense up in your arms, breath quickening as he felt his rage growing once again. You could already assume that something happened between the two of them. Regretfully, he pulled away from you and turned away from Lucifer to allow you to talk to him. You grabbed Satan's hand before turning around, rubbing your thumb along his.

You opened your mouth to say something until you saw Mammon behind his elder brother. The second you made eye contact, he bolted down the hall yelling "GUYS MC IS BACK!!" to alert the others. You winced slightly, knowing it was going to be hard to turn away the others to have a moment alone with Satan.

"You aren't hurt at all, are you? I was worried sick that someone would have-" Lucifer asked, with a slightly accusatory tone. It seemed like he was referring to a prior conversation, but you didn't entertain his attempt at starting a fight.

"I'm fine. Can you give me a second alone with him?" You cut him off. He was clearly taken aback by your comment and thought about snapping at you, but he left the room and swung the door shut. He would lecture you about it later.

Once the door shut, you turned around to face Satan, pulling him back into your arms for a quick hug. You took in the moment, finally realizing that it's really him now. You were finally back with your cat-loving bookworm once again.

When you pulled back, you noticed Satan scanning your form, probably looking for any injuries you were hiding from him.

"Satan, I'm fine." You said. He met your eyes, still seeming slightly suspicious.

He began to ramble nervously. "I must have hurt you. If not physically than emotionally because back then I was a mon-"

You interrupted him by pressing your lips onto his. He was surprised for a moment but eventually kissed back.

When you pulled away, you reached for one of his hands. "I promise, you did nothing to hurt me." You said with a gentle yet stern voice.

"I had to. I was so volatile and wrathful and-"

"Scared." You interrupted him once again. You squeezed his hand lightly. "You were just created and learning how to live in an extremely chaotic environment with emotions that were hardly your own."

He looked away from you to the floor as you spoke, and you gingerly guided his gaze back to meet yours. "You always seem to forget that I can read you like a book." You said, earning a light chuckle from him.

Satan took a deep breath, taking a moment to think before asking his next question. "If I hadn't done anything to you, why were you so insistent on getting to talk to me alone?"

You sighed softly. "Because I knew you would have been spiraling thinking that I was never coming back because you killed me."

He doesn't obviously react to your statement at first, but he then pulls you into a hug with a shuddering breath. He murmurs a soft "I love you" which you reciprocate. You'd never tell his brothers, but you feel a tear hit your shoulder.

After a moment he pulls away, covertly wiping his eyes of any remaining evidence of crying. You see a slight smirk on his face, a sight you were grateful to see. "Of course you would want to come see me first. I am your favorite, after all," He said jokingly.

You laughed, a sound he had been wishing to hear for weeks now. "Of course you are." You said, leaning forward to give him a soft kiss on the cheek.

"I know you were in a rush to see me, but did you have to go wrecking my organization?" He said, referring to the collapsed pile of books across the floor.

You lightheartedly rolled your eyes. "Listen okay, I was so used to living in this house but hundreds of years ago, and your room's layout has changed a lot since then."

He chuckled at your comment, a sound you too had been waiting to hear for weeks.

"I know you would love to have my company all to yourself, but I think we should stop torturing your brothers and let them have a proper reunion too." You said softly.

He was obviously displeased with the comment, sighing in annoyance, but you gave him a disapproving look. "Fine, you can reunite with everyone except Lucifer." he said in a tone where he was only partially joking.

You rolled your eyes slightly, giving him a kiss on the cheek before moving to open the door. Once you did, you were instantly surrounded by the other six most powerful demons in the devildom, but the most important to you stood aside for the moment.

[octopiys]

Some incorrect quotes and scenes for the pies

Roach: *Screams*

Ghost: *Screams louder to establish dominance*

Capt. MacTavish: Should we do something?

Capt. Price: No, I want to see who wins.

-

Alejandro: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Valeria: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Alejandro: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING RODOLFO WITH ME

Rodolfo, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

Price: You know, not every problem can be solved with a knife.

Ghost: That's why I carry two knives.

-

Soap: I made tea.

Ghost: I don’t want tea.

Soap: ....I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.

Ghost: Then why are you telling me?

Soap: It is a conversation starter.

Ghost: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Soap: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

-

Gaz: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming

Price, putting his head in his hands: Does anyone in this goddamn team ever think before they speak-

-

Graves: Must be hard not being able to laugh

Alejandro: I do have a sense of humor you know

Graves: I’ve never heard you laugh before

Alejandro: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

Graves:

Graves: fuck you

Alejandro: fuck you

-

Soap, motioning to a Halloween display: All these ghosts! All these ghosts! I still can’t find a boo.

Ghost:

Ghost: is it because I said I didn't want your tea-

Soap: YES ITS BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU DIDNT WANT MY TEA

-

Ghost: Schrödinger’s cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that’s both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.

Gaz, just finding out that Ghost is legally dead:

-

Gaz: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?

Price: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.

Soap: Three of us saw it, Cap. How do you explain that?

Price: *points at Soap* Sleep deprivation. *points at König* Paranoia. *points at Ghost* Delusional personality disorder.

Gaz:

Gaz: damn.

-

Roze: What’s something you guys are better than Horangi at?

Hutch: Mario Kart.

O'Conor: Yeah, video games.

König: Emotional vulnerability

-

Graves: *Gets down on one knee*

Alejandro: Oh my god, it’s finally happening.

Graves: *Falls over*

Alejandro: The poison is kicking in.

-

Gaz, after falling out of a heli for the third time: Do you take constructive criticism?

Nikolai: I only take cash or credit.

-

Soap: Can you keep a secret?

Ghost: Do you know anything about my life?

Soap: No I do not. Good point.

-

Gaz: Hey heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this haha-

Roach: What did you-?

Gaz: A MISTAKE WAS MADE

-

-

I just wanna say thank you all sm for 300 followers! You all r loved and I'm not good with responses but I appreciate them all so muck, thank u again :DDDDD

[inkskinned]

im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

[traumatizeddfox]

we seriously need to change the language when it comes to abuse. narc abuse does not exist. abusers can have mental disorders, triggers, or traumas but that does not mean people with the same disorder is abusive.

when i first realized i was abused i fell down the narcissistic abuse tiktok trail, i started to believe the only reason my ex was abusive was because he had NPD (he is diagnosed) but then after more of my own research, and conversations with people who are diagnosed with NPD, I realized that abusers are just abusers, and that a lot of people with this disorder are the ones being abused, ostracized from society and not taken serious.

The thing about abusers is they all share the same brain cell, which is why you can list off 10 things most abusers do and a lot of victims will relate. I get countless anons of victims telling me things their abusers did, and I can usually 8/10 times relate on some kind of level, because abusers, again literally only share one brain cell.

The issue with this is abuse has been almost synonymous with the word "narcissist". The amount of shit you see with "Narc abuse", when it's really just abuse. People making countless posts about "how to spot a narcissist, how to fix the narc", etc and I can guarantee you that not all of these abusers have NPD.

BUT we live in such a world of "what about me", so when people try to break the stigma of NPD, victims assume you're telling them they weren't abused. They mention x y z thing that their abuser did, they bring up their mother who maybe was one and maybe their abuser does have NPD, but then these same people want to scream about mental health awareness. They want to say that "Your disorder is not your story", or that everyone with a disorder deserves love, respect, therapy and help but once anyone with a disorder that isn't socially acceptable, it's as if these people turn a blind eye to anyone with a disorder that isn’t classified as worthy. No one is telling you to respect or love the piece of shit who abused you, hurt you, bullied you. Fuck that, but we HAVE to stop associating abuse with npd. if we want to make a change to mental health and the stigma, we need to do with all disorders.

People make these videos, blogs, books, posts, etc on narcissists like they arent...human. The stigma has turned anyone with cluster B personality disorders into something hideous, when really, most of these people are born this way, or deep rooted trauma. BUT when people hear this, they think its giving an excuse. No one is telling you that you have to love ur abuser who might be a narcissist, or that mental disorders = pass. No. Your abuser can have NPD, OCD, depression, etc and be a completely terrible person, and no one is giving them a pass. (Maybe some might but thats a completely different story.) but to just assume NPD = abuser and abuser = npd, is incredibly ableist, but people aren't ready for that one.

The way people talk about people with NPD like they are monsters, and ghouls waiting in the dark corners of the street, waiting to snatch their next victim (who they always describe as being an empath because these people think having empathy = being a good person, when most people aren't even empaths.) They like to romanticize their abuse as well. Talking about how narcissists spot victims who are so "kind, loving, wonderful, special." They try to make it this thing that it's not. Abusers do not abuse you because you are special. they abuse you because they are abusers. Your abuser is a piece of shit who deserves to die because they are an abuser. not because they have a disorder.

period.

[theitgirlnetwork]

Earn It

Ch. 5: Pretend With Me

Note: Hello! Thank you for all of the support you've all shown this story. Thank you for the notes, reblogs, messages, and comments I love interacting with you all! We've got our first time skip so I hope it's not too confusing. Once again, I'll remind everyone that the characters are meant to be just as complex as those in the movie and so they will do...questionable things. But that's part of the fun...not being them! So I hope you all enjoy! <3

Warnings: Cheating (fr this time y'all :(), explicit sexual content (MDNI!!!!!), small mention of disordered eating, and some strong language.

Taglist: @spookystitchery@anehkael@fkaams@butterflyybabe@sun2flower @holierthancunt @silkenthusiasts @wolflover384 @liziihorta @summerssover @jackierose902109

Present Day (California) :

“They won’t answer any questions about that, don’t bother asking. Make sure there’s at least one close up on the ring and we only film from the angles we discussed, understand me?” Kiely takes a deep breath, brushes her hands down her dress, straightening out the wrinkles at the bottom and noting to herself that she needs to stop by Target today to get a new steamer. 

This job is a big opportunity, she can’t afford to fuck it up. Out of all the applicants they decided to give her a chance. She pushes through the dark front doors, fixing a potted flower plant hanging near the doorway before glancing back sternly at the camera crew and closing the door. 

Kiely does wish that her trial week wasn’t the same week as this interview. 

She presses her finger to her earpiece to turn on the speaker as her heels click across marble floors, her steps are long strides. “Crews’ in place, we need a clear house, just the family. They want this in one take. Let’s go.” 

The blonde woman raises a shaky fist to the Grenadil African Blackwood door, knocking softly once before steeling herself and knocking more assertively the second time.

“Yeah?”

Kiely turns the cold golden door knob and stops right at the threshold of the master bedroom, her back rod straight as she addresses the people in front of her.

“Mr. and Mrs. Donaldson? They’re ready for you.”

12 Years Earlier:

3:22 p.m.: So, that smoothie that you recommended? It’s fucking disgusting.

Heaven giggles at her phone before flipping it over so she can’t see the front of the screen, sliding down into a split to complete her stretches. She hums in satisfaction to herself as she stretches forward to reach her front foot. It’s peaceful like this.

She loves coming to the studio early. After the bullshit classes she takes to remain eligible for the dance program, she rushes here to just dance. No other dancers, no teacher or choreographer watching. Heaven can just be with the choreography. 

She has a habit of getting fixated on a piece and doing it over and over until she masters it. Then, she does it over and over until it’s not fun anymore. It’s her award winning strategy, to actually fall in love with the pieces she dances to. 

For some reason, she was struggling to become Juliet. She knows she has the technique for the dance, that much is obvious. But something about this role wasn’t connecting for her. She just feels like she can’t force herself to give the vibe of a 15 year old girl whose parents were absent enough to let her fall in love with a 20 year old loser.

Oh and Romeo can’t fucking dance.

Correction. Peter who is supposed to be Romeo can’t fucking dance. 

Heaven stands from her split, grabbing her phone with her to respond to the text waiting for her, not noticing the uncontrollable smile that had formed on her face.

3:30 p.m.: It’s not supposed to taste good, it’s supposed to be good for you, Arthur.

They had been texting back and forth a lot since the birthday party. Not many phone calls, but messages here and there. They range from checking in to arguing about the various media they both consume. It’s like an unspoken agreement they have not to talk about Tashi or Patrick. Anytime they did the jokes would halt and suddenly Heaven would feel a rock in her stomach, unable to text back. 

Her phone buzzes again and before she can open the little white envelope on the screen she hears several sets of footsteps behind her. Without turning around she rushes over to put her phone in her duffle bag and heads back to the middle of the room, settling into first position next to Peter and staring tensely forward as they wait for the rest of the cast and the premier maitre de ballet, Madame Fontaine. Along with the older woman is her assistant choreographer, Fallon, the only other person who will acknowledge that Peter can’t fucking dance.

“Afternoon, all.” Madame Fontaine offers the group a brief, tight smile as she stands before them, her flats clicking on the stage. “Romeo, Juliet. We will work on the pair of pas de deux performances after warm-up.”

“Madame.” Heaven nods, turning to go to the bar toward the back of the room. She can feel Peter behind her, looking at her. His cheap ass cologne fills her nostrils as he leans forward to murmur in her ear.

“Think you can actually act like you at least like me today?”

Heaven slips into third position, facing forward as she continues through her warm up, shrugging at his question. “I don’t need to like you, Juliet needs to be in love with Romeo. The dance will show that.”

“Maybe if we spent some time together-”

“I’m in a relationship.” she dismisses.

“Really?” He scoffs. Gripping the bar Peter stretches his leg into the air, watching Heaven do the same, he strains to get his kick as high as hers. “What does your boyfriend do?”

“He’s a professional tennis player. So is my girlfriend.”

Peter’s brows furrow as he watches the woman in front of him wrap up her warm ups, cracking her neck absently as he stares at her. “You…so…”

“Okay.” Heaven huffs, turning to the man, craning her neck and fixing him with a wary look as she stands facing him with her arms crossed. “Yes, I have a boyfriend, his name is Patrick. I also have a girlfriend, her name is Tashi and she is the girl you saw here before. Yes, they are also together, no we’re not looking for a fourth and if we were it would never be you. No, we aren’t open so don’t ask me out again. And Peter, even if I was single, I would literally fucking never fuck someone who can’t do a simple fucking lift.” With that she pushes past him to find Madame Fontaine stopping when she hears him over her shoulder.

“Well maybe if you weren’t so heavy I could lift you easier.”

Heaven doesn’t even bat an eyelash at the insult, instead just pursing her lips and getting into the position for the first pose of the “Love Dance”, the first pas de deux of the piece. As she goes through the movements on the stage no one would be able to tell that Peter had said what he said. 

She holds him close and twirls prettily. She leans into him with all of the trust of the world as he butchers his half of the piece, failing in the lift not because of her weight, she tells herself, but because his hand placement is wrong. 

Heaven thinks logically, like Tashi would tell her to. Other people have lifted her before. It’s not her. 

So she can swallow the lump in her throat until after rehearsal is over.

“Answer.” Heaven bites her lip as she drums her fingers against the steering wheel, her phone is balanced between her cheek and shoulder, vibrating against her ear as it rings. “Tashi, answer.”

Hi, this is Tashi Duncan, leave a message after the beep, thanks.

She shouldn’t have come. Tashi has two matches this week, Pepperdine and then Princeton, she doesn’t need to be distracted. She doesn’t have time to be distracted. That’s not what they do to each other, she knows Tashi needs to focus before a match just like Heaven needs to be distracted before a performance. 

But after rehearsal ended, her focus on the beautiful dance, and getting her body to move the way it needed to to tell the story faded. Then all she was left with was the sound of Peter’s voice mixing with her mother’s and the personal trainer she’d hired her when she was only 10. And suddenly she found herself speeding down the road in a silent car, driving 5 hours and 13 minutes to Stanford.

She told herself as she weaved through the cars that she just needed to get away. That this was okay because she was supposed to be heading down the next day anyway. That she was only here to see Tashi. 

“Fuck.” The girl huffs, pulling the phone away so hard one of her hoop earrings falls out of her ear, tumbling to the floor as she dials another number. Unlike Tashi, he actually picks up.

“Hey, babe.”

“Hi, baby, hi.” She sits up against the leather seat. “Are you, um, busy, or…”

“Uh, no, not-not really.” Patrick’s muffled voice through the phone settles her nerves a little. “What’s up?”

“Nothing I just wanted to talk to you or something-” Heaven hears laughter and the clattering of glass in the background. She can faintly make out the words to Candy Shop playing in whatever bar he was pretending not to be in. “You’re out.”

“Babe, I can talk, are you okay?”

“Mhm.”

“I hate that ‘mhm’, ‘hm’ shit you guys do just…Heaven, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I had, like, the most shitty rehearsal.” Heaven looks out at a couple of students stumbling drunkenly, shaking her head to herself as she sees a t-shirt with distinct letters spelling out “The Duncanator” on it. “The guy playing Romeo, he’s like a fucking idiot and he wants to fuck me-”

“Don’t most people?” 

“I’m not-” Heaven huffs out a breath, head dropping forward against the wheel in annoyance. This is who her boyfriend is. He makes jokes about serious things. He doesn’t take anything serious because it never fucking is. But what is she supposed to do? Berate him for trying to make her laugh when she’s upset. Get mad at him for perpetually being in a state of relaxation that she’s almost never in. Heaven doesn’t want to live in the land of not giving a fuck about anything, she isn’t built like that. “H-yeah. That’s funny.” she forces a giggle, scrubbing her hand angrily at the drops that managed to squeeze their way out of her eyes. 

“Good, you’re laughing, m’glad you’re feeling better.” 

“Yep, thank you, Patrick.”

“No problem, Hev, look I’m out right now but I’ll see you tomorrow right? You’re coming down to Stanford right?”

“Um, yeah.” She says staring out at the school buildings from the parking lot. “I’ll be there.”

After a couple more slurred jokes from her boyfriend who shouldn’t be drinking while on tour and a couple attempted calls to Tashi, Heaven climbs out of the car, deciding to just go to the girl’s building herself. 

She was determined not to go crawling to he who shall not be named. No. She would not see Art, because then he would give her that look. That look he does with his stupid monochromatic eyes that puppy dog look he gets when she’s happy, when she’s sad, when she’s anything. Like he’ll just do anything. It’s distracting and it makes her feel weird. 

And she’s taken. So, they’ll stick to texting, that’s safe. So, no, she won’t call him. Not to tell him about her shitty day. Not even to ask him where the actual hell Tashi’s building was. 

So instead she planned to wander aimlessly until she saw a building that looked familiar.

She walks along the cobblestone roads, squinting to find something that would remind her which direction she was supposed to be going in. 

“Heaven?”

The woman freezes at the voice behind her, cursing herself and whatever god that curated this situation as she slowly turns to see Art. “Arthur.”

Her breath catches as she gets a good look at him. He’s even hotter than she remembers, standing tall amongst a group of his teammates. His racket bag slung across his back, the strap tight against his chest that was currently filling out the dorky ass Stanford Men’s Tennis shirt that he was somehow making look like the sexiest outfit ever. 

This college tennis shit was really working for him.

But what brings the wide smile to her face that she couldn’t bite back, despite how much the logical part of her brain telling her she needed to, is those damn puppy dog eyes and the bright crooked smile he offers her.

Art takes a step forward, it almost looks like a reflex, but he pauses, smile dropping slightly as he tucks his hands into his tennis shorts, waiting to see what Heaven does.

And she can’t help it. Her legs move on their own, she can swear she didn’t consciously take three quick steps over to Art. And she didn’t take two more big ones when he met her the rest of the way, arms open as he dips low lifting her up and hugs her waist. And she definitely doesn’t wrap her legs around his waist when they meet. “Hi.” he says softly, swinging her back and forth.

“Hi!” she smiles back.

“What are you” he places her down so close to himself that their chests brush, craning his head down to look at her, brushing his thumbs over her hips through her t-shirt before releasing her fully. “What are you doing here?”

“Um, Pepperdine.” She tries to shrug easily, struggling to focus with him this close.

“You’re…uh, you’re a day early.” Art says, biting his lip a little, rocking on his feet.

“I know, I just had a rough day and I came to, um-”

“See Tashi.” He finishes for her, nodding his head. “You had a rough day?” He asks, eyes searching hers as he ignores the calls from his friends behind him, demanding that he introduce them to his hot friend. Art’s lips part as if he’s planning to say something before he snaps it shut, a beat passes before he trusts himself to speak again. “She’s gonna be on the court until late.”

“Fuck, yeah, she’s gonna be pissed, she hates when I throw her off before matches, she has this whole ritual situation, I just really couldn’t be at school right now.” Heaven groans, tossing her head back in frustration. 

“You could, you could come with me. I’m gonna go off campus for a little bit, go to Dave & Buster’s with my friends, you should come and blow off some steam, Hev.” 

Heaven glances around suddenly conscious that she drove all the way here in a haze like a maniac and despite telling herself she wasn’t here for Art she managed to be here, standing in front of him, notably not with Tashi. And yet, next thing she knew, she was kicking her feet, sitting on Art’s bed while he took a shower, so they could go to Dave & Buster’s.

Art knows that what he’s doing is not…healthy. It’s not good that he’s currently out with his best friend’s girlfriend (though one might still argue that Patrick had two and Art had none.) and he was enjoying the fact that everyone here thought she was his. 

It had started with his teammates. They’d seen the movie scene-esque display of Art lifting the girl in the air in excitement upon seeing her and suddenly, murmurs of the fact that Art doesn’t really entertain any of the girls who talk to him on campus seemed to make sense to them. They nudged him as they walked and wiggled their eyebrows as he held the door open for Heaven, guiding her with his hand on the small of her back. 

He’d tried correcting them. Originally. Sort’ve. 

Well, Matt asked if she was his girl and he’d responded with ‘c’mon man, what does it look like?’ 

Jesus, maybe there is a reason me and Patrick are friends.

But they were having so much fun, playing games and Heaven had been smiling so much. At him. And he didn’t have to share it. He was fucking happy.

“Let me get you something to eat, on me, Hev, come on.” Art says nudging her as he pulls their game card out of the skee ball machine. “Then we can talk about your shitty day.”

Heaven’s nose scrunches in a way that makes Art want to kiss it, her lips, whatever else she has to offer and she snatches the game card from him and takes a couple of steps back, a smirk on her face as she holds it away from him. “Or…we could play some more games.”

“I’m hungry.” Art cocks his head to the side, reaching for the card and laughing when she snatches it away. “And I want you to come eat with me. Please.”

“One more game.” 

“Come on, Art, the lady wants one more game.” One of his teammates, Kyle says smugly, tossing his arm around Heaven as he approaches from behind. 

Heaven’s lip curls in dismissal for a moment before her expression morphs into something more sinister. “Yeah,” she says sweetly, “M’just asking for one more.”

“Hev.” Art scoffs, holding his hand out again, embarrassed at how irritated he is by Kyle’s arm over her shoulders. 

“How about ping pong? If you win, we’ll go get some food and talk about whatever you want to talk about. And if,” her manicured hand reaches up and pats the one Kyle is dangling off her shoulder. “Kyle wins, I’ll play some games with him.”

Something feels so familiar about this moment. The innocent look on her face was only marred by the challenging raised eyebrow that Heaven couldn’t help but have. The look of expectation. It reminds Art of the day he’d lost to Patrick. The expression of ‘is that all?’ on her face. 

This is stupid. He thinks, working his jaw as he stares down at the girl. It’s dumb. 

“This is really fucking dumb.” he laughs, bouncing the ping pong ball on the table, rolling his eyes when Heaven shrugs, tilting her head as if to say, ‘go on’. “You’re seriously gonna go with him if I lose?”

“You’re not gonna fucking lose.” she murmurs under her breath. “We’re just having fun.”

“You’re trying to get out of talking about whatever you’re upset about, but m’not gonna forget-”

“Kiss for good luck?”

That has him whipping his head to her. He would be embarrassed if he could think about anything other than the offer she’d placed on the table. Like a dog to a bone immediately all of his focus is drawn down to her lips. “What?”

“You heard me, Arthur.” Heaven grabs his hand holding the paddle and brings it up between their faces, switching it’s position so that he’s holding the handle out to her and brings her glossed lips down to it, kissing it softly. “Kay, good luck!” she chirps, bouncing away from him to watch the game.

“That’s not fair!” Kyle calls from the opposite end of the table.

“Shut the fuck up, Kyle.”

As dumb as Art thinks this stupid little was, he absolutely demolishes Kyle. Like it wasn’t even fun, at least, not for Art’s opponent. The blond played like he was at the fucking US Open and didn’t let the guy get more than one point that he only got because Art briefly looked away, eyes following Heaven as she skirts off to use the bathroom. “I think I won that one, Kyle.” 

“Jesus, Donaldson, I wasn’t really going to get to go off with your girl. It’s fuckin’ ping pong at Dave & fuckin’ Buster’s.” His teammate rolls his eyes, tossing the paddle on the table before stalking off.

Art feels the heat rise to his face. All night while he’d been enjoying playing pretend he’d somehow avoided Heaven hearing what the guys were saying. He was quite literally ready to tuck his head to hide from the embarrassment when he felt an arm slide and loop with his. 

“Oh, what the fuck ever, he’s a sore loser, you were better, that’s why he’s not fucking ranked like you are.”

He wants to ask her how she knows that. Did Tashi tell her or did she look up the men’s teams rankings on her own. But instead he just guides her over to a table to collect his prize.

“Take the last one.”

“Mm no, can’t have it.” Heaven says, taking a sip of her water.

Art’s jaw clenches as he thinks about how the smallest attempt at a bullshit comeback from some dickhead had her questioning herself when Art thinks she’s the most beautiful thing in the world. “He’s an asshole.”

“I agree.”

“And he’s wrong, Hev.”

“Not completely.” she shrugs, swirling her straw in her glass. “Not statistically…for a ballerina.”

He crosses his arms, leaning back against the red booth seat. “Well, maybe male ballerina’s need to work out more then, I can pick you up just fine.” 

“Art.”

“I’ll come be Romeo. Put him out of a job and get to kiss you, that sounds like a pretty good deal.” 

Heaven laughs, shifting in her seat, lifting one leg into the chair, wrapping her arms around it and resting her cheek on her knee. “Thank you for letting me talk about it.”

“Yeah.” Art smiles, quietly taking a sip of his own water. 

“Now say what you wanted to say.” 

“I didn’t wanna say anything.”

“Yes you do,” Heaven scoffs, you’ve got that look on your face, you wanna say something just say it, Arthur.”

“I told you I hated that name and you haven’t stopped saying it since.” he snorts.

“It’s your given name.” She exclaims. Her big brown eyes stare up at him from across the table and he can feel his heart racing in his chest. “Okay. Art. You always let me talk to you. Talk to me.”

Art swallows deeply. This is the part where she runs. He gets real and honest about his feelings and she retreats to Tashi’s side or under Patrick’s arm. He knows this isn’t healthy to do to himself. But then he has the shittiest thought that crosses his mind. 

This time they’re not here.

He’d won the game today. There was no Patrick to beat in tennis, he wasn’t in a tug-o-war with Tashi. He wasn’t distracted by anything. He should at least try, shouldn’t he?

Like, how long could the situation between the 3 of them last anyway. Here she was again, upset, alone, and where were they. Tashi might have some years on him regarding Heaven but Art knows Patrick. He loves the guy, but he’s not good for them, either of them. This was just some fantasy for him, having two girlfriends, it wasn’t real for him. That’s why he’s here and she’s not. That’s why he was there when Heaven needed him when Patrick was out doing god knows what.

“Why didn’t you call me when you were upset? We text all of the time.” 

Heaven breathes out heavily as she nods her head, as if she’d been expecting this conversation. “I called my girlfriend. She was busy.”

“And then?”

“And then I called my boyfriend, Art. Your best friend, Patrick, remember him?” Art scoffs, shaking his head and Heaven sits up fully. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, what?” she persists.

“It’s just, what makes him your boyfriend? Because I just…Patrick Zweig isn’t really the boyfriend type, is all.” He shrugs.

“Maybe he changed for me and Tashi. We tend to have that effect on people.” Heaven jokes.

Art laughs humorously. “I know.”

“Oh.” 

“I just want you to be with someone that loves you.” He says in a tired tone. “That’s all I’ve been wanting for you-” He knows he should stop here. That placing seeds of doubt wasn’t the way he should win her. This was fucked up. She’s his friends’ girlfriend. His friend.

“And, you don’t think I have someone like that now?” She asks. That same brow raised as she crossed her arms, staring him down. It's the same bone chilling look she gave Tashi when she’d asked her about her audition dance. He can’t help but wilt a little under the stare, not backing down completely but suddenly questioning his decision to open this line of discussion.

“I…I just want you to be with someone who loves you, Heaven.” 

Her face softens and Art can breathe a little easier. Brown eyes wide as she takes him in, shifting in her seat back and forth as if she was really thinking. 

“You really mean that, don’t you?”

Art nods solemnly, hesitating slightly before standing, stepping out of the booth and walking over to Heaven’s side, holding his hand out to her. “I know what I’m about to say is so fucked up, and if you dont want to, I’ll listen. We’ll be friends, but…let me show you. I’ve, jesus this is embarrassing, I’ve been pretending you were mine all night. Pretend with me for tonight. Let me show you. Please.”

They're quiet the whole way back to campus. Heaven held Art’s hand, or maybe she let him hold hers…neither of them were quite sure. And they made their way back. And they both waited. They both were on the edge of their seats to see what happens next. They waited for Heaven to open her mouth, to ask him with indignity to direct her to Tashi’s dorm because, surely, the girl was back from the gym now. 

They waited for the wave of guilt to hit Art, for him to remember who she actually belongs to, to remember that she’s only his in his fantasies and send her on her way to wait for Patrick to get here tomorrow. But instead, when his phone vibrates in the cupholder of his car with a text from his best friend, he simply flips it over before Heaven can see. 

Once they’re safely inside his dorm Heaven is basically shaking next to him and he pauses, brushing his thumb against the smooth skin of her cheek. “Sweetheart, we don’t have to do anything.”

I’ll just die if we don’t, that’s all. He thinks.

Her eyes are shut tightly but she leans her face into his hand. “I’m scared. Meeting you guys was just supposed to be fun. This feels…” serious. “I’m…I’ve never felt like this for anyone other than her. So I was trying to avoid you.” she whispers, finally opening her eyes to look at him.

His heart almost hurts because he’s causing her stress. Almost. But this was the first time that she’s been clear that she’s feeling what he feels, and he physically cannot stand not kissing her. “I’m sorry.” He breathes, leaning down, brushing her lips with his own. “M’sorry.” 

The gap finally closes between the two of them and Art feels like he’s really breathing for the first time. Like, up until this point he’d been holding his breath his whole life, like he had a taste of real air when they’d kissed in that theater and now he was breathing. The only air worth breathing is Heaven’s.

Heaven’s head swims as Art lifts her up, laying her down onto his small bed, placing her gently as if she was fine china. It feels unfair. She didn’t know that something could feel this good. Being with Tashi and Patrick, it’s the first time she’s really felt something. Tashi was the first person Heaven ever loved. But it was so alarming how quickly Art was making all of that feel less all consuming. All she could think about was him. The only time her mine was this clear, this focused, was…when she danced.

Art places kisses along Heaven’s cheek, jaw and neck before making his way to her ear, groaning when he feels her hand in his hair. “Heaven, baby, let me touch you, please.” 

He pulls back to look at her to wait. He needed confirmation. He needed to know she was okay with it. That it would make her happy. “Okay.” she looks up at him from his pillow with a soft look, lifting her hand to his cheek and smiles gently as he kisses the palm of her hand.

“Yeah?” He asks desperately as he kisses his way up her arm.

Heaven brings Art’s hand to her lips, mirroring his action and kissing his palm before nodding. 

That’s all he needs.

He has to focus hard as he breathes in her sweet, flowery scent as he drags his lips along her torso before he reaches the edge of where her t-shirt meets her pants, nudging the fabric up with his nose to expose the skin of her stomach and kissing his way back down. He feels himself hardening in his own pants and wills himself to calm down so he doesn’t cum before he even gets to really touch her. He reaches his hand down, undoing her buttons on her pants and looks up to the ceiling briefly as he hears her kicking the fabric down her legs, counting backward from 20. 

“Kiss me again?” she asks sweetly. 

The question barely leaves her lips before he’s racing up to meld their lips back together, humming in relief when he gets to breathe from her again. When he finally lets her get some real air, she takes his dominant hand this time holding it in both of hers. “I love your hands, Art. They’re strong,” she kisses one finger, “and talented,” she kisses the next, “and part of you. Let you play some really good fucking tennis.” 

Art’s laugh turns into a moan when she places the two fingers into her warm mouth, staring up at him through her lashes. “Oh fuck, Heaven.”

She pops his fingers out of his mouth and she wraps her arm around his neck to hold his face close as Art slides hand down her body, holding the wet fingers away as he pauses briefly to squeeze her breast, drinking in the sound she makes. He would say he wants that noise as his ringtone, but then other people would hear it. Heaven. That’s what she is. His own personal heaven. 

As he pushes his fingers into her his own grunt frustrates him as he tries to memorize the gasp that falls from her plump lips and chases it with his own. He pushes his fingers in and out of her again and again to hear her voice pitch as she chants his name and gasps obscenities. His own moans and whines fall from his lips and his ears and cheeks turn red at how loud he is. 

His suitemates have to be used to the sound of him cumming with her name on his lips by now, especially considering his one attempt at not being in love with his best friend’s girlfriend that led him to stumble home from a bar just off campus with a sorority girl who promptly slapped the shit out of him and stormed out of the suite screeching when she’d given him head and he cried Heaven’s name when he came. To be fair, he’d gotten her off first…and apologized immensely. 

But this? They weren’t gonna wanna room with him next semester. Fuck them. 

He shivers as he feels her tugging his shirt over his head before pulling him back down to her, kissing him deeply again. “I’m gonna cum.” she whimpers, burying her face in his shoulder.

“Wait, wait, wait, please let me look at you.” Art pleads. Heaven’s head falls back against the pillow as her back arches slightly off of the mattress as she reaches her peak and Art nearly loses it from the sight. Not yet. 

“Shit.” Heaven breathes kissing his cheek and neck, running her hands through his blond hair. “Let…let me-”

“One more.” Art blurts, sitting up and looking down at her, smoothing his hand along her body in awe. “Let me have one more, please. Let me taste you, baby. You’re so pretty, Hev. You’re,” he kisses her lower stomach, blue-brown eyes on her as he bites her panties, pulling them down with his teeth. “You’re a goddess. I want…I love you.” 

“Art-” she gasps, pushing up onto her elbows to look down at him between her legs.

“One more, Heaven, please.” He pleads one more time, stopping just short of his destination to give her time. If…if she didn’t want it he wouldn’t do it. But he’d die. He would, he’d fucking die. 

But all she does is bite the collar of her shirt. And Art could fucking cry at how good she tastes. He kisses her center deeply, licking his way up her slit, sucking on her clit, holding her legs open as she squirms above him. Murmuring against her through his own moans. “I know, baby, I know.” He reaches his hand up tugging the fabric of the shirt to pull it from her mouth to stop her from muffling her cries. “Heaven, beautiful, talk to me, honey, please.”

“I-I’m, it feels so good.”

“Yeah? I wanna make you feel so good.” he whines against her thigh.

“Fuck, Art-” she turns her head to muffle into the pillow, squeaking when he gently tugs her down the bed away from it. 

“Please don’t fight it. Cum for me baby, please. One more, Heaven.” 

“Fuck.” She gasps.

This time when she cums Art can’t help it. Between her sounds filling his ears, her scent in his nose and her taste on his tongue, he was moaning out her name and cumming in his pants before he could stop it. He breathes heavily and sits on the bed because he’s genuinely worried he’s gonna pass out, the black spots in his vision apparently an after effect of coming harder than he’d ever had. “Fuck, Heaven. Heaven?” He breathes, confused when he can finally see again and the girl is no longer in his bed and his room door is open.

She comes padding back through his door and Art thinks if he wasn’t empty, he could cum again to the sight of her stumbling back on wobbly legs, wearing his shirt, holding a washcloth. “Least I could do since you tried to kill me by making me nut.” She sits next to him and he intakes a breath as she unbuttons his pants, coaxing him out of them and his boxers and taking the warm cloth and cleaning his dick. 

“Fuck, baby-” he whines, burying his face in her hair. “Okay-”

“You know you sound like you’re having sex when you play tennis? Or you’re playing tennis when you have sex. Since you played tennis first.” She smiles, smoothing his messy blond hair. 

“Fuck tennis, I wanna do that.” He jokes, lifting his head and reaching for a clean pair of boxers from his drawer before climbing into his bed and holding his arms out for her to climb into. 

“As a pro? That’s prostitution, handsome.” she smiles, laying herself between his arms and entangling their legs. 

“M’not chargin’ you.” he mumbles sleepily, kissing her head.

“Shut up, go to sleep.”

[frogs00]

Can you do a Regina x Janis where after some comments Regina goes back to her bad eating habits (e.w) and she tries to hide it from Janis but Janis notices and instead of getting mad just takes care of her?

Hard to swallow

Summary: The request.

Warning: Some swearing, self loathing, fluff?, HEAVY eating disorder centered, insomnia mentioned a hit?, crying.

Pairing: Janis + Regina

To say Regina was doing better was an understatement. So much had happened since senior year; she got therapy, joined lacrosse, and got a girlfriend-

Right, she's gay, and on top of that, her girlfriend is no other than Janis Imi'ike, which is cool. Unexpected but cool. Super cool. She was stupidly in love with the girl. She kinda always had been.

She hadn't realized a small smile graced her lips as she stared at the picture in her locker, a photo of her and Janis, till she heard a voice boom in her ear. She winced and backed up, blinking into focus to see who had just dared to scream in her ear.

It was her teammate. A very obnoxious teammate who did not like Regina at all. ( She also honestly sucked at the sport, but her dad was the coach so…)

"Yes, Alice?" She gritted her teeth, fighting back a scowl while rubbing her ear.

"Hey, princess, didn't you hear the man? Time to go!" The slightly taller girl slapped her back and she winced, a wave of pain shooting down it, but it seemed to go unnoticed by Alice.

Of course, it did. Regina rolled her eyes, straightening her jersey.

“Do not call me that.” she snapped, passing by her swiftly and snatching up her stick in the process.

“Call you what?” Alice smirked, her words a sarcastic drawl. Regina wanted to tear her to pieces but decided not to. She’d take the high road. She was chill now; Calm and content. Totally.

(Definitely not because she didn’t want to get kicked off the team for slapping her… no, for moral reasons and stuff.)

She turned the corner of the row of lockers, she heard Alice call out, “You got a fat ass on you.” and a whistle. She stopped dead in her tracks. A frown twitched at her lips, heart pounding in her ears. She stared at the floor, mind racing, her grip on the lacrosse stick deadly.

She was used to being cat-called, hell, her teammates did it all the time! Still, she never liked it. She never did when anyone did it. And the way she worded it sounded so intentionally… degrading. Less of a compliment and more of an insult.

Like she knew it would trigger Regina.

She didn’t even realize Alice was walking past her, lost in her thoughts, till she got bumped into the locker as she walked by. They locked eyes as they left, a disgusting grin on the taller girl's face. She inhaled sharply when she was gone, pushing away all those comments, thoughts, and memories…

Stupid fucking memories.

Regina was learning to love her body. It didn’t matter what some bitch thought.

The blonde made her way out of the locker room quickly after another incoherent shout could be heard.

—

Later that day, she was sitting at her lunch table now, surrounded by her friends, Janis at her side, also rather quiet. She was staring down at her plate of food. Who knew one comment made her want to tear out her stomach?

All her appetite was lost. She nudged it away, a pang of self-loathing aching in her chest. She sighed, a bit too loud because it got her girlfriend’s attention. Janis studied her, eyes flickering her to the plate of food, giving her a weird look.

“You okay?” Janis whispered, leaning in a bit to ask. Was she? She could hardly tell herself that, let alone tell someone else, so she just shrugged. Janis hummed in response but didn’t take her eyes off of her, the brunette’s gaze was one that could melt her. It made her feel better.

“I love you, I can’t force you to eat but just try.” Janis kissed her cheek, then looked back down at her sketchpad and continued doodling. Regina's heart clenched a bit, she didn’t want to disappoint her girlfriend, but what if she couldn’t? What if she couldn’t do it? Or even make herself try? What if-

Janis was looking at her again, a worried look in her eyes.

Regina was confused and then realized, “I love you too.” she responded, and Janis seemed to relax, then looked back down. Regina remembered the time she didn’t say ‘I love you’ back, not on purpose she was just in a shitty mood, and Janis had a literal breakdown over it (Well, that among other things).

Regina wasn’t the only one who got in her head at times. So now she always said it back, always. And if he didn’t it was a huge cause for concern, sort of like a secret rule between them. Is this momentary lapse in self-confidence a cause for concern? Maybe it is. But-

The bell rang, snapping Regina from her thoughts. She looked down at the now cold plate of food, stood up, and trashed it. She was ready to head to her next class when she had her arm tugged back by her hand.

Her lovely girlfriend once again.

“We’re getting pizza on Friday if you want to come,” Janis explained, playing with Regina's palm as she talked, another cute little habit of hers. “It’s Karen’s brother's birthday; Daniel- but you know that.” Janis chuckled nervously, the blonde knew that Janis had grown close with Karen and Daniel the last year, Danny adored her, “She was going to invite you herself but I said I would because I know that you may not want to eat in public right now and-”

Regina cut off her rambling quickly, squeezing her hand tightly, “Of course, I’ll be there, I love Danny! Plus, I’m fine, promise.” The blonde smiled, brushing off her concerns and offering a stiff smile, “Have Karen- actually, you just texted me the details, bye!” Regina released her hand, eager to get away from this conversation.

“Okay, see you later!” Janis waved bye, then ran the opposite way, leaving the taller girl to wonder why she was running. Regina watched in amusement for a moment, checked her phone then realized she’d be late and started running herself.

It wasn’t long till the day dragged to an end and she was curled up in her bed, a nauseous feeling deep in her stomach from eating a simple bowl of ramen. Debating whether or not she should reinstall that calorie counter.

—

Regina would like to say she brushed everything off but that simply wasn't true, she forced herself to eat, she didn’t want to worry others but she was also avoiding. Avoiding eating. It made her sick, she used to be less self-aware but now she knew she was self-destructing, and that fact made it worse.

She was aware that less than a meal a day for the last 3 days wasn’t good, her body was telling her that for sure. She felt dizzy, zombie-like in a weird way. Janis described that feeling to her, trudging through the day hardly aware of anything, she was describing her insomnia but it seemed to apply to her too. She felt like vomiting but had nothing to throw up.

She felt sick, and she knew she had officially relapsed. Honestly, why make something like that official? The moment those thoughts pushed her to skip that first meal was it.

She hated this. It was like it was her fate to fail. She failed everyone because of her stupid insecurities. She felt tears stinging her eyes but blinked them back as soon as they came. Regina was in class. Her last one of the day thankfully, she’d get through this party then go home. That’s all it took, one more day then she could suffer alone, fail alone.

The bell rang and she stood, inhaling sharply and quickly heading out the door, a path cleared for her as she strode the halls. Her eyes landed on Janis who was putting something in her locker, the brunette smiled at her, making her stumble.

Right. She was driving her to Daniel’s party. Danny adored Janis.

Regina turned to her and tapped her foot, not saying anything, just waiting. Janis’s locker shut and she turned to her, “Reggie!” Janis beamed, “Can we swing by my house, I got Danny a present but it was too big to carry with me and-” Janis cut off, studying her, “You okay?” the Hawaiian’s voice was gentle and supportive, and she hated it for some reason. Why burden her perfect girlfriend with her issues? She’s already burdened her enough as it is…

Janis grabbed her hand, giving her a look that said; I love you. Janis read her well that was for sure.

“Yes, fine,” Regina’d voice broke a bit as she nodded in confirmation, then changed the subject, clearing her throat, “Yeah we can, but what’d you get him?”

Janis just grinned, “You’ll see.” She practically bubbled, voice sing-songy in a way that made her suspicious, Regina gave her a weird look, she knew Janis was talking about something else now, seeing her mouth moving but her mind was hazy.

Regina didn’t realize Janis was walking away, too focused on a piece of gum stuck to a locker. Maybe if I chew gum the pain will go away…

“Come one! Let’s go so we aren’t late! I can’t wait to give him his gift!” Janis called after her, making Regina snap to attention and jog after her.

“Better not be a gun! Mrs. Shetty will kill you!”

—

It wasn’t a gun, it was a giant stuffed dragon that was nearly as big as Janis, which she found amusing watching her tiny girlfriend carry it into the arcade slash pizza parlor. She had her own gift for him slung on the crook of her arm, it was just a model airplane set, she knew he’d love it and it wasn’t necessarily cheap (well, to her it was, but still). She was swaying a bit, zoned out as Janis set the giant plush down, leaning on it and scanning the area.

Next thing you know a little boy with tousled brown hair, and another small boy with blue eyes, were at their side, squealing. Daniel attacked the plush and Janis knelt and hugged the boy tightly. Janis loved kids. He was singing her thanks practically, the smaller blue-eyed boy, most likely Daniel’s friend, watching with wonder

“I love it so much, Janis! I love it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He screamed practically screamed, but it was nothing compared to the bustling atmosphere of the arcade.

She snapped her head down and grinned at him, “Danny! Happy birthday!” Regina opened her arms and he hugged her.

“Thank you, Gigi!!” He beamed, eyeing the gift a bit in curiosity, she shook her head and held it up.

“I think you can open this with the other gifts, hm? Since you already got that massive toy?” She made sure to exaggerate her voice (even if it wasn't that exaggerated, Jnais was ridiculous), and shooed him.

“It’s not a toy, it’s a dragon.” He corrected with a furrowed brow, she snickered and nodded. She reached into her pocket and handed him a five-dollar bill then glanced at the shyer boy.

“Go get ice cream with your friend, buddy.” She nudged him away and he broke into a grin then ran off with his friend.

“They’re adorable.” Janis sighed, picked up the dragon, and made their way to the party room. Regina hummed in agreement, tossing her gift on the gift table as Janis set hers down beside it. She watched Janis get playfully scolded by Mrs. Shetty. After she greeted everyone she knew, Regina was fairly relieved to sit down at the table with her, Gretchen, Karen, and her girlfriend.

“Pizza?” Karen asked through a mouthful of it, nudging the pan of it toward her, she stared down at it for a bit and shook her head.

“I ate at school.” She lied, and Janis knew. She knows that because Janis frowned at her, and she just looked away, not able to face her disappointment.

She zoned out as they chatted, picking at her cuticles. All she could focus on was the pain in her stomach and the nauseating and delicious smell of pizza in the air. When she looked back up, Janis was saying something about going to play with Daniel and win some prizes and Karen followed. Gretchen stayed with her for a bit longer but ultimately got bored with the lack of conversation and followed after them.

So she was sitting alone at a kids' party, she would’ve joined them, but her limbs felt heavy. She felt bad for coming at this point. As she wallowed in self-pity, the lights switched off and it was time to sing Happy Birthday. Damn, how long was I out of it? She couldn’t help but wonder, shooting out of her seat and locating Janis, standing beside her and watching Danny bounce in his seat as they sang.

The cake was served and Janis passed it out while Karen and Mrs. Shetty cut it. Janis finished then brought her a slice, handing it to her. Regina stared at the plate of the marbled cake, biting her lip in temptation. But she wouldn’t give in, even if it was wrong.

“No thanks, give it to someone else.” She handed it back, and Janis sighed and did as she was told, giving Danny another piece which he was more than appreciative of. Why couldn’t she be normal?

Janis returned to her side, and put her chin on her shoulder, “Can we talk?” the shorter girl asked in a whisper.

“Not now, it’s Danny’s time,” Regina responded through gritted teeth, with a smile despite it all, waving to Daniel who smiled back, face covered in frosting.

“Regina-” Janis tried.

“No! I- I need to use the restroom.” She pushed past her, excusing herself then turned into the women’s bathroom that said ‘gals’ on the sign instead (Sort of made her want to knock it off).

She sighed over the sink, fixing herself in the mirror, using it to support her shaky body. She didn’t know how long she had stood there, probably looking like a loon, when she heard her girlfriend’s voice.

“Reggie?” Her voice rang, soft and clear, walking up beside her, “You okay?”

Regina took a deep breath, mustering up her strength to turn and look at her, “No, not really. I ruined everything, I shouldn’t have come. I wanted to be there for you and Danny but I failed-” She burst out, on the verge of tears.

“What exactly did you ruin? Danny is having an amazing time and he said he loved the plane.” Janis’s brow furrowed, “Yes, you weren’t all there but you didn’t ruin anything.”

“But-”

“You didn’t, I promise.” Janis put a hand on her shoulder, voice soothing, “Now why aren’t you eating, baby?”

“I don’t get it, am I just destined to be obscene and sad like- like that painting of a clown in the corner of this fucking bathroom that has been staring into my fucking soul?” She pointed to it, shaking in pain, “Why can’t I be normal? Why do I let people get to me?” she was crying now, wiping away tears. Thank god she didn’t have the energy to apply any make-up.

“Baby, baby. It’s okay. You’re perfect.” Janis shushed her, wrapping her arms around her and rubbing her back, “Let’s go home.”

Regina cried for only a few minutes longer before she, sort of, collected herself, “What about Daniel?” she croaked.

“We’ve been here for almost three hours, I’m sure everyone will understand.” Janis caressed her face, then took her hand and guided her out.

They said their goodbyes and apologies and had their hugs. No one seemed to notice Regina’s puffy-eyed expression. They arrived at Regina's house, her mom was not home as expected, and Janis went to the kitchen. The smell of chicken soup filled the air, Janis stirring the pot slowly. Regina just sat on the couch with an almost empty expression.

Once it was finished, Janis sat with her, Regina held the bowl and Janis held hers. The brunette sat with her, for thirty minutes, until the bowl was finished. Regina loved her chicken soup.

“Good job, I’m so proud of you, Reggi.” Janis kissed her forehead, setting down both their bowl and pulling her into her arms. They were quiet for a while, Janis humming to her softly and caressing her hair. Regina hiccuped every so often, she was strong for too long. It all would just come flooding out, she needed to learn that.

“You aren’t mad, right?” Regina whispered, and she could practically see Janis’s confused look, movements pausing briefly before continuing.

“No, I’m not, of course I’m not, my love. You have an eating disorder and you relapsed. It happens to everyone and I’m sorry what the bitch said to you. I am just happy to be here with you, I will always be here with you. I just want you to take care of yourself.” Janis softly denied her worries, and Regina seemed to relax.

“I know, it’s just hard…”

“I know it is, but just know you’ll always be beautiful. No matter what you gain or lose; I will love you. I love all of you, every curve and scar, always. Okay? You are then sun to my moon and the shore to my ocean. You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen and nothing will change that. I love you so much.”

That’s all it took for Regina to burst into tears again, clinging to her and relishing in the comfort she provided. Janis rocked her to sleep, “I love you too.” Regina whispered after her sobs died down. Because she always said it back; Because it would always be true.

A/N: what do you mean this was long? Nah...

[jayden-killer]

Bonita.

Paring: jake lockley × fem! Reader.

Genre: smut to Angst to fluffy

Warnings: sex, dom!jake, sub!reader, p in v with no protection, use of safe word, panic attack, low self-esteem, reader being insecure about herself, jake being so lovely with reader.

A/N: It's a bit rushed at the end, but i couldn't think of a better ending lmao

~°~

Hot hands rambled on my body as I was merciless fucked by my boyfriend, Jake. He had no mercy when it came to sex, an animal caging his prey with his strong arms. It felt so good, his cock buring inside of me, sliding in so easily thanks to my wetness. He was so big I could see the bluge forming on my lower belly. That could have been the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I could hear thunders outside, rain droples hitting the window outside.

–Jake, Jake, please...– I managed to say in tiny whispers, his hand now moving to grab my neck, lightly squeezing it. He didn't apply so pressure at all, just to keep my mind altered. His other hand squeezed my hip, with such force, to keep my body glued to his, his chest pressed against mine. He was forcing me to take every inch of him.

–What is it that you want, cariño, mh? I thought you were finally shutting up.

–I need to c-cum, please Jake, I can't..!–

–Now, you should take a look at yourself, you're so beautiful like this, preciosa– I could see him smirking, making it me difficult to keep my composure even if I was being fucked so good at that moment. He moved a piece of hair from my face and stopped. My chest panted, trying to make my lungs gain air. I thought he was done until he slapped me lightly on my tight.

–Turn around, I want to fuck you in front of the mirror–

He gave no time to me to change position, manhandling me with little force. He let my back press against his chest now. He panted into my ear and positioned his tip on my lips again, sliding in one more time with no obstacles. This position allowed me to see Jake's movements better.

Slap, slap, slap.

Skin to skin. We were so sweaty, but that was so worthy of the moment. His well-brushed hair now sticking to his forehead, his well-toned chest glistening in sweat, his eyes filled with lust...that was driving me crazy.

–....so pretty, I can't control myself, mierda, que chiquita tan obediente, tan linda– It seemed Jake was more talking to himself in mutterings than to me I couldn't process entirely what he was saying, but he didn't stop. The more he fucked me with force, the more he rambled.

–I love you, so pretty, never letting you go, never, s-so fragile, my doll, my girl, my sweet girl...–

I never stopped to look into the mirror, Jake's eyes eating me as If I was the best dessert served. But, those phrases. Panic begin to settle into my mind: was that just nonsense? What If he loves me just for sex? Does he love me? Does he find me pretty and all of that stuff?

What if..

Does he..

He can't be serious.

He doesn't love me.

He doesn't.

I'm a mess. He can't love a mess like me.

A utter piece of shit.

I'm so useless.

Oxygen seemed to leave my body as soon as I was thinking all that stuff. I could sense the tension being to rise, and my mind started to be foggy. Dwelling on my fake thoughts.. even my head was spinning lightly.

–Jake, Jake...– I called him, but no response. He was losing himself in the sex. Then, again.

–Jake, please, s-stop..–

He kept fucking me. I couldn't do this. He was going to hate me if I had stopped the sex. Panicking more, I let the safe word slip out of my lips, in a whisper-shout, and Jake immediately pulled out, he hugging my body.

–Preciosa, que pasa? Que te pasa?–

Tears streamed out, and I knew it was impossible to stop tears, and Jake knew I was having a panic attack. I remember the moment I warned him about my anxiety disorder, which sometimes carried panic attacks and anxiety. He knew what he was dealing with, and told me that Steven was suffering from it, too, and that he would handle the situation the better he could. Jake gently took my body, now facing me and caressed my head.

–Princesa, calm down, breathe slowly, okay?–his hand cupped my cheek. My teary eyes looked into his. He seemed so calm... how could he do that? Was he pretending to be calm?

Worse, was he pretending to genuinely care about me?

–Bebè, i got you, okay? Breathe slowly. Follow me, take baby steps. One step at once–

He let my hand lightly touch his chest, allowing me to feel his heartbeat. Has he said slowly? I need to breathe slowly, or else...

My mind was still spinning and panicking, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was so scared that even what Jake asked for seemed like a complicated task. But I tried. I needed to try for him. So I breathed in, and out. In and out. In and...-

–ya pasò, tranquila

My eyes landed on his and I was met with warmth. He helped me sit on the edge of the bed, placing soft hands on my back, and rubbing it in gentle circles. He didn't back away, never. He was always there to help me, to listen to me. Sometimes I wondered how I'd managed to date a soul like him. It felt too much like a fever dream than reality. So Jake asked me what happened, if he triggered me with something, and I took deep breaths again, before actually explaining the episode.

–It was not you. Of course, Jake, it is never you, you make my heart flutter every time–I say in chuckles, -I hate to admit it, but it is strange to feel..good-

I felt Jake's eyes soften more at my words. He made a sign, as to say "keep going".

–Sometimes my mind thinks its not okay to deserve actual love from someone else. And destroys me with little thoights which grow more, and more in..something explosive– A sigh escapes my lips and I rub my eyes in exasperation. Jake's quick to grab my chin and make him look to me.

–Bebè, I know what you're saying. And I know what you are feeling.- He pauses, adjusting himself on the edge of the bed, sitting closer to me, now grabbing my hand and placing it on his tight-You don't have to say that, please. I don't know what you've been through, but I sure know a thing- His tone is sad, and worried, even though there's no lack of confidence in what he says.

–First, I love you. You're incredible in all ways. You're good-natured, kind, empathic, reliable..and I can go on!– A chuckle escapes his lips. He never fails to amaze me. -I must admit, when you first kissed me, I was the one to think that I didn't deserve your love. But you made me think that again-

I nod at his words, smiling. –Whoever put those shit of thoughts in your head– he gently placed a finger on my forehead –I'll remove them with my own hands!

–You know it can't be truly possible, right?– I ask, chuckling

–You want me to die! Like, disassembling my brain, like the doctor in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein–

–So? It's going to be fun!– His hands find my sides and Jake starts to tickle me in fast and hard, and I have no choice but to let out bursts of laughs.

–I surrend! I surrend! Let me go!- I loudly laugh, but the smirk on Jake's face says otherwise.

–Only if you promise to let me cook you my special dish and let me treat you like a queen deserves-

I frantically nod and his tickles chase down, letting me regain my breath and sit one more time on the bed. He chuckles at the sight, and his eyes seem to soften once more. The next thing he does is hug me, tight and close to him. I can hear his heartbeat. Fast. So fast.

–Promise me you'll talk to me whenever you're feeling down. Do you understand? You don't have to face it alone. I'll do everything to make you understand you deserve it–

A pause.

–You deserve the love–

And I promised him, I would reach out for his help. For me.

For us.

[prodbymaui]

Chasing Stars, Losing You

PAIRING: jung jaehyun x reader

GENRE: exes to lovers, slow burn, angst, slice of life, fluff, eventual smut, ceo!jaehyun (yes, we love him), model!reader

WC: teaser; 371, full fic; 14k+

RELEASE DATE: March 30, 2023

WARNINGS: mentions of eating disorder, smoking, usage of drugs, self-harming

SYPNOSIS: When your relationship got announced, it made noises louder that anyone could've imagined. Of course it will, a pair containing a supermodel and a CEO of one of the most successful enterprise that made a name in both the fashion and business industry. But soon enough, everyone witnessed how the perfect relationship they had been envying crumbled down into tiny pieces until there's nothing left to pick up.

TAGS: @lovingvoidgoatee @jaessunflower214 @fluffyjaes @hopefulchick @clblnz @jaehyunsprincess @haebragi @lorenakaspersen @joepomonerof @sadgirlroo @carelessshootanonymous ; send an ask with your username to be added!

READ HERE

The industry itself had told you to fuck off and go back to little hole you used to hide at. Stomping over you and shouting you shits to make you realize that you're not fucking worthy of everything they had to offer. The modelling industry, despite you being a supermodel, had broke you into pieces more than one could've ever imagined.

But Jaehyun was there to fix you up, every damn time it happened. Jaehyun who was always there to gather you in his loving arms, whispering praises and assurance. Jaehyun who showered you with nothing but affection. Jaehyun who made you a hot chocolate with snow man marshmallows even though it's summer because he knew it was your favorite.

Jung Jaehyun was your own heart.

''Stop being so fucking far up your ass!'' Screams filled the room as you threw your coat at the man in front you. He was breathing heavily like you are, gripping his hands to a fist.

''All these past months, I've been trying to understand all you shenanigans with your modelling! I even cancelled a fucking meeting with a big client for you! And now you're telling me that all I think about is myself?'' It was like venom dripped out of his mouth as he spit out the words. It hurts but you couldn't care less. You're done pretending as if you're still in a happy and healthy relationship.

Weeks passed by and you were falling deep into a hellhole. You, yourself, doesn't even know if you can trust Jaehyun to save you from it. Considering how he was more determined to bring his company to the top rather than helping you out of your cave, you presume that being with Jaehyun further brought you nothing but more pain and suffering.

Jaehyun doesn't know how you both had come to this. Was it so bad for him to want the best for his company? Was it so bad for him to work on his dreams? Ever since you and him became official, his focus was only on you. So how come he became the selfish one here?

He was no longer your own heart. Instead, he was a walking hammer that smashed your heart into pieces.

[e-claire]

Misophonia sucks so fucking hard and no one anywhere ever wants to talk about it. Literally the only people I've ever had listen to me about my Misophonia are other people with Misophonia. So fuck it, Misophonia Awareness Post or something, I want to vent.

Allow me to describe what it is first for all the lucky people who aren't fucked over. Misophonia is likely an Audio-Processing Disorder (Potentially some form of Synesthesia) in which certain sounds trigger a fight or flight reaction. Trigger sounds can vary and sometimes after long term exposure it can create a reaction to the visuals associated with those sounds. It is possibly genetic, there is no known cause, there is no known treatment, there is only suffering and ways of generally kind of reducing that suffering. When I hear people chewing I am filled with a rage that can only be described as "Bordering on a primal desire to Kill." and there's nothing I can do about that. A family member or friend takes a bite of something crunchy and I have to sit there and exist with thoughts of pounding their fucking skull into paste with my bare god damn hands and then afterwards I have to go back to "being normal". I have to just pretend that didn't happen, I can't do anything with those emotions, I can't put them anywhere, I can't talk about them with anyone or gain any understanding or sympathy from others for having them.

When I see someone chewing food anymore it's borderline impossible for me to remain in the room with them for any more than a few seconds because the mere sight of them chewing makes me physically ill and inspires in me a sense of deep disgust and panic that I could never ever hope to describe.

I tell people about what it's like and I get one of four reactions :

"Oh I think I have that too" With a weird amount of curious excitement at the concept of having a fun new quirky thing to mention in conversations. This means that they don't have it, and they'll then proceed to list off a couple different things that literally no human being likes to hear and how much that thing "annoys them". This makes me want to kill myself.

"Wow, Yikes." Through a grimace. This means I was too open about how it makes me feel and they now think i'm a either a freak, liability, time bomb, or over-dramatic, and will do everything they can to avoid the subject in the future so that I can't make them uncomfortable. This makes me want to kill them AND myself.

Immediately eats something really loudly to set me off as a "joke". This means that they're an obnoxious piece of shit that I have to try my absolute hardest not to beat to death with my bare hands. This makes me want to kill them, if that wasn't already obvious.

"Oh. So that's what this is called." This means they have it, and we can both engage in a brief period of mutual trauma sharing that helps us know we're not alone, and that our curse is unfortunately shared with others. This makes us both somewhat melancholy, and kinda ruins the vibes until something fun happens.

And then we get into the "How do you make the pain stop", and good news! You can't. There is no way to make it stop. But you can make it hurt less with ✨Spending Unbearable Amounts of Cash✨

You can buy a billion different types of earplugs that will all do great at muting the world but always leave you incredibly unaware of the world around you and leave you fucked in-terms of listening to media.

You can buy normal headphones that will kind of work but never mute the world around you anywhere near enough and vaguely frustrate you constantly, but hey at least you're a bit more accessible! Try combining these with a combination of rain and static noise playing at all times in the background for an extra layer of silence :)

You can buy ANC headphones that cost infinitely too much money and are almost always built to break so that they can farm cash from you in repairs, but the ANC is so useful despite not working perfectly that you can't really exist without it so you're gonna spend 200+ dollars every couple years because you don't have a choice, and spend every single day 24/7 wearing hot heavy over-ear headphones! Use the Rain and Static Noise combo with this as well for the best ANC effect.

And inevitably, all of these options will give you hearing problems, potentially make you aware of new trigger sounds, and always leave you a step behind everyone else when a conversation happens. Pro-Tip : For when the sounds are really intrusive and you're on the verge of a breakdown, Combine ANC with Ear Plugs and the R&SN background audio to basically kill noise in it's entirety for a little while :)

AND NOW WE GET TO THE PART WHERE I SAY WHAT THE FUCK CAN YOU NORMIES DO TO MAKE OUR SUFFERING LESS FUCKING CONSTANT.

Listen to us. Don't ostracize us for experiencing emotions we can't control and don't mean or want to act on. If you can, try your best to do the trigger noises quietly, and try your best not to do the trigger visuals in-front of us. We know it's not something you can control entirely, but if you can make the effort to make our lives suck less, we'll really fucking appreciate it.

And if you try to get back at us during a fight by eating something really crunchy to abuse our disorder for your benefit, I swear to god I will hunt you down personally and subject you to the most violent and painful torture I can manage before killing you and hiding your body somewhere no one will ever find it so that your loved ones never have the closure of knowing if you died or if you're still somewhere out there. Thanks for reading even though I know you didn't because the length of this post is frankly unhinged and i'll probably only get like 2 likes at best.