#Controlling mother

[faeriesinthedell]

Being the daughter of a controlling mother is so weird, especially when your mother was a product of the same environment. It's like: I don't know how to say no because when I say no to you, nothing changes. I don't know how to assert myself without feeling like I'm being an inconvenience or that I'm risking making someone angry. I don't know how to suggest my opinion because I'm so used to defaulting to a people pleasing option that even when someone enthusiastically seeks my opinion, I still "read the room" the choose the option that will make everyone happy. I don't pursue many hobbies because I know you don't like messes and hobbies make mess. I leave projects half finished because I'm so used to having to throw everything in a drawer or otherwise "clean" it before your cleaning anxiety kicks in and we all have to clean the house for you. I listen to your stories about how you went on wild adventures as a teenager and hid things from your own mother, while I'm terrified of doing anything to disappoint you (not because you would punish me, but because I have such an aversion to upsetting people). I have almost no friends, I do nothing but work and go to college, and I sit at home online during all my free time because I'm not "allowed" to drive very far, and who really wants to hang out at the same 4 places with me?? You drove around town as a teen and left home at 18 and I'm almost 21 and not even allowed to drive half an hour to the next biggest town. No one wants to hang out with me because they know how you are and they know the only options are my house or the local fast food place, because I'm not allowed to drive further. You don't trust me to do things on my own but it's suddenly okay if I have a "chaperone" with me. You were skydiving at my age, but it's not "safe" for me to walk around the woods by myself. People offer to take me places out of pity but I decline because I'm almost positive that they don't really want my company, and they only offer because they must feel bad because I don't experience much.

You once explained to me that the reason you control everything and everyone (in your words) is because you had no control over your life when you were younger, so now you have this need to control everything. You don't realize that you're setting me up for the same position, or maybe you do realize but you can't stop yourself. I'm terrified that I'm going to do the same thing to my own daughters. I don't want this for them, and I don't want it for me.

When that little girl walked a few yards to her house after my grandma's funeral, my instinctual response was to panic and think "No! She can't do that!! She'll get hurt!!"

I didn't want to think that. It wasn't my thought, it was yours.

I love you so much, but I don't want to become you. I can't ever tell you this, because it would break you.

I'm the only daughter, the only child. I have to be good, I have to make you happy. I can't be independent because it won't make you happy, but I can't live my life with the independence level of an 8 year old. I see 12 year olds with more personal freedom than me. They're allowed to wander town as long as they keep in touch with their parents and they keep a level head. I'm not even allowed that, and I certainly wasn't at that age.

I do things that I don't want to in order to make people happy. I scold myself for having too many wants because I feel like it's selfish. It's selfish to write this. It's selfish to not want to be like you, because it would hurt you and that's wrong of me.

I can't ever tell you about any of this, because it would be the nail in the coffin for us. You think I hate you, and this would only confirm it for you. I don't hate you. I love you, but I hate the way you do some things. A person and their actions are two separate things.

You're so headstrong, and so am I, but only to you. It's funny. I defy you so much and make no headway, but I'm so submissive to everyone else to the point of putting on false personas to please a crowd. I think I defy and argue my side because if I don't, then I'd never have any opinion at all. I argue and fight because if I don't then that means my real thoughts are never voiced. You think I fight because I hate you, but I love you. You're my mother and I'm your daughter and I love you. I'm just really bad at showing it, I guess.

I won't control my daughters the way that I've been controlled.

[yeh-mera-deewanapan-hai]

This is a RANT

My mind decided to remind me that talking about vulnerable topics is not equal to being vulnerable and I am beyond sad that I am not even comfortable being vulnerable in my own room. Gotta hide out in the washroom for hours to even feel like a human being. *scoff*

Why am I so jealous and envious of other people living my dreams while I'm so insecure of my own self? It's not even like I'm dreaming of something big or extraordinary! I just wanna be able to go somewhere alone, to wear clothes of my choosing, to create simple memories with friends I don't have, to not feel paranoid every time I'm beginning to get close to someone. Is it too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for when I JUST wanna exist peacefully?

I look at other people's Instagram feed and yeah, it might all be fake but I don't even have the freedom to fake anything. I look at my past friends memories through their social media and I am not there. I can bet that I'm not even on their minds. I was not allowed the freedom to make memories with anyone. Not even alone! I look at other people and feel jealous as fuck of their ability to just exist as themselves.

It is hard being comfortable in your own body when your own mother is teaching you to be ashamed of it. I can't wear tank tops, can't wear anything above my knees, wide necklines are a no-no, anything body fitting is vulgar, jeans and tops that actually fit me are cheap so go cover your chest with a stole and wear tops that go below your hips!!

I can't do anything really... I can't go to the grocery store near our house alone but my brother who is 7 years younger than me can, I couldn't go to any of my past school trips, can't go somewhere alone with my own father without my phone ringing 5 times an hour, can't hug my younger brother or my father or my friends that I had and not even my own mother because she's uncomfortable with touching anyone but does that mean that I have to sacrifice my own comfort because she was uncomfortable?

I hate being called cheap and vulgar and characterless and a near prostitute because I mentioned liking something fashion related that does not go with her idea of modesty. I despise the fact that I always end up crying when I argue with her because I am more sad than angry at her choice to control every single aspect of my life.

I can't ever imagine being free of her, of her paranoia that instilled deep trust issues in me, of her voice hating my clothes and my hair and my makeup and my art and my music taste and my laugh and every single one of my little quirks that I see being adored in media but never in me.

You all must feel like she is like a monster but that is not true because while yeah, she made me feel bad about a lot of stuff, she also made me feel good a lot too! This is actually the first time I ever even hinted at hating her, let alone writing a whole rant on tumblr for strangers to read. She loves me in her own way, too much and obsessive and I know that just because her intentions are good doesn't mean the results her actions cause will be good too. I want to love her from afar.

[tatis9]

Anyone that says 'money doesn't matter' probably don't know the struggle of being economically dependent and how that situation can create or deepen hurtful power relationships and make you more vulnerable to abusive behaviors. Money does matter, money is a complete game-changer.

[pocket-goose]

my mom makes me lose my temper sometimes oh my god

[openingpandorasbox1]

MY MUM FORCING ME TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH HER BOYFRIEND

CHRISTMAS WITH MUM’S BOYFRIEND

My mum is trying to force me to spend Christmas with her boyfriend and his family. I don’t understand why she always forces me to do things that I don’t want to do. I don’t feel comfortable around him and she knows why but she doesn’t care. He isn’t my family, and his family isn’t my family. If she wants to spend Christmas with them, she can but that doesn’t mean I have to. I told her I didn’t want to go, and she should respect that decision. She never respects me. I feel like I always be under her control. She acts like a tyrant and a dictator.

I’m an adult but she doesn’t treat me like an adult, I’m being dictated under her rule. She is always angry and gets worse when I refuse to go along with whatever she wants me to do. She’s only nice to me when I go along with everything. It’s almost like she wants to live my life for me I can’t have a life of my own. I can’t breathe around her.

One minute she acts like a normal person and then the next second she turns into a complete psychopath and loses the plot over nothing. I feel like I’m constantly around a mental patient. I must walk around on eggshells in the hope that she won’t explode. My mum loves being angry and hating something and arguing.

I’m sick of her sticking her nose into my business all the time and I’m sick of her telling me what to say (and not what to say) and what to do (and what not to do). She gives me no privacy, she is always snooping. The only privacy I have is inside my head, and she would invade there if she could. I cannot make any choice on my own; they have to be all dictated by her. When I’m around her I feel so drained. I’m tired of being dictated to. She wants me totally under her control.

#toxicmum #toxicmom #toxicmother #toxicparents #controllingmother

[mystery-wings]

Jules Bellamy — Effects of the Past and of the Present 

Attuned inside, alluded, denied

I feel my breath pressed into contact

Undo the seal, the vague and unreal

I shouldn't pry, a child sighs and hides away

Visions intangible

Though small, they echo through the night

Memories I've felt before

Again and again, ghosts blind my sight

Hold my hand even if I cry

I need to feel like I'm human through you

Hold on tight 'till the tears run dry

The things I see are a dread to info

Don't go, I feel to wrong

Uncanny all along

Attuned inside with context applied

I feel this time I should say it

Self-spinning lies, unconscious surmise

I shouldn't pry, a child hides away and cries

Enabled thoughts, are they real or not?

A story sold but never gone cold

Although I know emotions tell it all

Visions intangible

Though small, they echo through the night

Mmemories I've felt before

Again and again l, ghosts blind my sight

Should I then believe my dealings? (Backed against a wall)

Spit it out, forget my feelings

Should I then believe my dealings (Backed against a wall)

Hear me out, they're only feelings

Should I then believe my dealings (Backed against a wall)

Attributes to my own doing

Should I believe my dealings (Backed against a wall)

Scrape it out, stare at the ceiling

Go away even if I cry

The burning shadows of human hands are far too much for a single life

The things I see are a dread must withstand

Through sobs, "I feel too wrong" (On my own)

Uncanny all along

Uncanny all along

Uncanny all along

— GHOST (Vocaloid)

[carpetbug]

that moment when you adopt a fuck ton of tiny gods at fourteen and get doomed by the narrative

[llmsos]

Mamas Boy off

[cryptocism]

rewatched tangled and had this beamed into my brain

[polarsirens]

first shot

[cybernightwanderer]

As exepected. she guil-trip me into accepting the job, and when it wasnt working she tried to force me, then as usual plays the victim. - p1

I went to the job interview. The night before i had a severe panic attach, in wich i hit myself pretty badly, my forehead is bruised and the top of my right eye was swollen due to punching it repatedly with my knuckles... My mom saw this and tried to calm me down, and at the same time, tried to persuade me to accept it... I have ptsd from workin in kitchen enviroments, i have this sickening feeling that the space around me gets narrower and narrower until i start chocking, and feel dizzy. I feel like a thousand hands are grabbing me and pulling me down. It's suffocating and extremly excruciating/painfull. She knows this. She is very much aware of it. But she's been pressuring me to get a job as fast as possible, and so i applied for kitchen work even tho i cant even do it due to this problem, year and years of abuse, sexual harrassment and sexual assault. SHE FUCKING KNOWS THIS, not all the details, but i mean the day i come home with a black eye and bleeding in my forehead and she asks why, im gonna tell her what happend. A basic briefing on what happend and what i had been through. Any normal mother would immediatly have pulled me out of that job, mine? i begged her to give me time to find a new job, i begged her to let me quit that job and just give me two months or three to find a new one ( since i've been paying rent ever since i was 17 ) asking for three months of support wasnt a stretch... She didnt let me , she threaten me to kick me out of the house more times than i can count. --- So back to what i was saying about this interview. Comes the morning , she offers to drive me there, i find it suspicous, as in i know shes gonna take the chance to spend the whole way there to try to convince me to take the job. And it's exacly what happend. So one thing about my mother, she has this specific expression she does, when she wants to say something / point out something that bothers here, or that she has been cooking for a while in her head and she wants to complain about. Like me being on call with ppl online while playing games, it bothers the fuck out of her. No matter if i do all the chores in the house, if i attend my classes and spend 3 hours working/studying post classes , and takin 2 hours everyday to send out resumes. She will still be bothered that i am in call with ppl, and playing after dinner. The micro-management and need for control are very specific to her "parenting ". So as soon as i get a job offering for a restaurant, it doesnt matter if i have trauma, or if it creates a really bad panic reaction in my head, "a job is a job", " it's money ". "Your health doesn't matter"/ " your life doesnt matter , you exist to serve " that's what she has been teatching me all my life. That im an object, and that i exist to do and be how she wants, and fighting me off in adulthood about it, drives her insane. A true narcisist doesnt like it when ppl try to free themselves from their control and my mother is the perfect example fo that...

[faeriesinthedell]

so i’ve been noticing that people have been reblogging and leaving notes in tags of my post about my mom....so thanks for that..I guess??? I mean I’m glad it’s been cathartic for other people and validating for them, but also it feels really weird for me to thank people for interacting with a post where I talk to myself about my mother and the anxieties and fears and issues that come up in our relationship.

Anyways, I’m glad it’s been cathartic for you all to read, because it was cathartic to write. I might write some more soon, idk. It’s all anonymous but I keep thinking “crap what if she sees it somehow and knows I wrote it and then thinks that I hate her??!!” Long story short, she already thinks that I hate her due to our past arguments and our disagreements. Like I said in my other post, I only fight with her, so......I just don’t want to put the final nail in the coffin and make her think that I  hate her 100% or something.

Today I actually upset her again because we were discussing something and I asked what she wanted me to do (because I was helping her and I knew what she wanted done, but I didn’t know HOW she wanted it done) and she told me and then proceeded to explain in detail about how that specific method works and why it’s done, and I made the mistake of not keeping my mouth shut (aka I said “I know. I know how *insert method here* works). I wasn’t trying to be “smart” or start a fight, but it’s just that she ALWAYS tries to “teach” me how or why things are done, and I can’t say or act like I already know about it or else that apparently comes off as me having an attitude. Literally anything I do, she has to “explain” it in detail to me, even about stuff that she knows that I know. I know I should be more patient but it’s just constant and I don’t need a lesson on how to do things that I already know how to do.

For reference, she insisted that my dad show me how to plunge a toilet, because apparently she assume that I don’t know how to do anything that she or my dad hasn’t directly taught me. Also, I’m 21....so I do know how to plunge a toilet and have know for many, many years. In her defense, i guess she’s thinking of it through the lens of “well we haven’t shown her how to do xyz”...which is true, but also I do teach myself things and I do actively try to learn new skills, but I don’t go and tell my parents every 5 seconds “hey, fyi I now know how to do *insert mundane skill here*.”

Anyways, I finished helping her and when I left the room I could hear my parents whispering and I’m pretty sure it was about me. I don’t have proof, but my mom tends to complain to my dad about me, and he later relays the messages to me so that I have a gauge on how my mom is feeling, because she denies her feelings around me and refuses to admit when she’s upset/hurt/etc.

[ryllen]

eepy 🐲

ryumimi & half dragon sebek AU

[doctorsiren]

I’ve been thinking about Miles as Serizawa quite a bit 😁

[stil-lindigo]

ashes to ashes.

a short comic about the day Ash was born.

Ash's story

Red and Wolf's story

notes:

--

all my other comics

store

[iwtv-az-hours]

Poor man

He just wanted another night of drugs and perhaps some c0ck

Instead he found himself accidently homewrecking the morbidly disfunctional 28year marriage of the one real life vampire gay couple currently roaming the state