#I answered for the cat with the funnier answer | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

everwalldigan · 1 month

Text

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

18K notes · View notes

badlydrawnrose · 11 months

Note

Rose do you have a sparkledog oc?

...No.

#badlydrawnrose #They were cats.#I answered an ask like this before I knew what they were #Now?#This is funnier.

1 note · View note

sh1-n0bu · 1 year

Text

✿ 𝙟𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙪𝙖𝙣’𝙨 𝙜𝙪𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙤𝙣 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩 𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙠! ✿

characters: jing yuan x nb!reader

warnings: tooth rotting fluff, crack, chaos, jing yuan having an obsession with ur cheeks, this was much more funnier in my head. i suck at writing😔😔

notes: i need to learn how to shift so i can make this mans my husband hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

STEP 1: TENDERIZE THE MEAT

it was no doubt that jing yuan was an incredibly affectionate and clingy lover. and that tragically only amplifies when his lover - aka you - has been away for a few weeks long business trip to another ship of the xianzhou. it only made sense when your fluffy haired lover immediately threw himself into your arms just when you've barely stepped in through the front door, calling out his name.

"yu! i'm ba-" before you could even finish that sentence alone, a large man with fluffy white hair crashes into you, knocking the both of you down onto the floor of your shared home. to say he was heavy would be an understatement. his large body was practically crushing you, almost to the point of crushing your chest cavities in.

"my love!!" a dramatic voice calls out from on top of you before sobbing noises could be heard. burying his face into your chest, the general sobs. shoulders shaking and heaving. but you were too old for his tricks and shenanigans. you've been dealing with jing yuan's shit for a whole of five centuries, after all. this was nothing new.

"where have you been?! why didn't you answer my texts?! or even read my messages?!" the general continues to complain loudly, like a child who's favorite toy had been taken away from him.

well, it was hard to answer him when he was literally crushing you under his weight, snuggling his face into your chest with sobs - he just wanted to feel your chest on his face, that was all - and when you have quite literally been busy with business to start with. not to mention the latest stellaron crisis thing has made signal quite weak too.

however, before you could even let out a sigh at his continued shenanigans, you see him peek up at you with the same old golden eyes. golden eyes looking up at you from where his face was smushed oh so comfortably against your chest. you can just feel the clingy man's lips quirk upwards into a smug grin.

reaching his hands up, the general cups your cheeks in his large and warm hands. calloused from years of battle and hardships yet still gently cradling your face in his hold. he always made sure to be absolutely gentle with you. sometimes.

once his favorite part of you was safely and securely in his hold, your oversized, clingy, cat-like lover wastes no time. poking, squeezing, prodding, turning your face into many different shapes as he giggles to himself as if he was centuries younger again. back when he first met you. back when he was just a simple cloud knight in training, hopelessly pining after you, stuttering and tripping over his words as he tries to make up a sentence to talk to to you.

STEP 2: SEASON THE MEAT

reaching up to a more comfortable pose to give him more better access to your soft cheeks, jing yuan leans over you with his face in his ever so smug look. but to your trained eyes, you could see just how much the man had missed your warmth. your affections. the way your hand would run through his long hair and leave his face peppered in kisses.

"missed you. missed you so much" the general of the luofu mumbles, a cute - adorable almost - lovesick grin on his face as he leans down to pepper your cheeks in kisses. of course, it isn't jing yuan style if he doesn't make any theatrics out of his love and adoration for you.

loud, overdramatic mwah! mwah! mwah! mwah! noises coming from the cat-like man as he leaves not a single spot left without being absolutely smothered in his 'love attacks'.

while of course, you just laid there on the floor, accepting his kisses and dramatic jing yuan style of showing affections. how could anyone ever blame you? jing yuan was a great kisser and he loved to shower you with them. you did missed him as well.

oh, you poor sweet summer child. if only you knew what your mischievous lover was planning...

STEP 3: BON APPETIT!

"yu... lemme mwah get up first mwah, will you? i get it, i mwah missed you as mmf well, my love. but please, let mmgg me eat something first" you hum softly, not exactly making any move or indications that you wanted to get up despite your words.

what can you say? your lover was a great kisser. an absolute A+ kisser. soft, gentle pecks peppering all over your face, taking away your breath everytime he decides to dip just a bit closer and steal a kiss or two - or maybe even three - from your lips. but you really needed a bite to eat. your stomach was literally growling just like how mimi would at times. and that was saying something.

"5 more minutes..." the clingy man hums softly, lips still tightly pressed against the soft fat of your cheeks. you simply let out a hum in response, thinking that he was going to kiss you again before -

chomp!

huh...? wait no what? literally. hold up. seriously, no joke. hold on a fucking moment. a literal fucking second to let [name] catch their thoug-

nom! nom nom nom!

before you could even allow your poor exhausted body and fried brain comprehend just what the fuck was going on, your absolute pain in the cheek of a husband decides to on-nom-nom his way on your cheeks. literally. it felt like he was trying to eat you alive like a steak.

STEP 4: TRY TO SURVIVE YOUR LOVER'S WRATH

"jing yuan, one of the seven arbiter-generals of the xianzhou alliance, one of the six charioteers"

uh-oh. not only was that a full-blown full name call but also with his titles?! rest in pieces, jing yuan. try not to trip over your own feet while your seething lover with a bitemark on their cheek chases you down the entirety of the luofu ship with the infamous flip flop in hand. you will truly be missed.

"uhmm..." how should yanqing even begin with his question as he tries to comprehend what happened to your poor face? more specifically, the bitemark on your cheek which seemed red and still fresh. ouch.

"what happ-"

"a lion bit me"

"mimi?!"

"no. another lion"

just then a very much sulking and pouting general with a fluffy white hair comes into the room. face looking like he was ready to sob at any given second, looking very much like a scolded child. that was all the explanation the young lieutenant needed.

"oh".

#nobu.writes #hsr x reader #hsr x y/n #hsr x you #hsr x gender neutral reader #honkai star rail x gender neutral reader #honkai star rail x you #honkai star rail x reader #jing yuan x you #jing yuan x y/n #jing yuan x reader #hsr jing yuan #hsr fanfic #hsr fluff #gender neutral reader #gender neutral insert

1K notes · View notes

can-i-see-your-passport-please · 10 months

Text

Okay so here's everything I know about TF2. Please no one elaborate on anything I know about, because I think it's so much funnier if I have no context to anything. I have absorbed all of this through Tumblr osmosis

Emesis Blue is an excellent film

Soldier apparently was never an actual soldier, he just loves America and really wanted to kill Nazis (the second one i respect greatly)

Medic would probably give you a lobotomy for fun (i don't think this guy's even a doctor)

Two really old guys are fighting bloody wars over gravel I think and their father is named Grey Mann which was most definitely meant to make Gman enjoyers lose it but to be fair his name could also be Gary Man.

What am I on

Heavy and Medic are apparently gay but idk if this is a fandom seeing two men next to each other and going "gay" thing or a "all but confirmed gay" thing but TVTropes referred to them as "Heterosexual Life Partners" which is very funny

emesis blue is so fucking good oh my godddddd the respawn machine is horrifying just from the concept it turned scout into soup

Scout is half French and loves his mother (who is not french) and does not love his father (spy i think)

Medic presumably died went to hell and told the devil "oh I'm like a cat I have nine souls actually. So I should get to go back to being alive" and it fucking worked??????

THE FUCKING SCENE IN?? IN EMESIS BLUE??? WHERE. WHERE SOLDIER TELLS MEDIC "YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT OUT" AND MEDIC SAYS "i KNOW" BEFORE HE JUST FUCKING DIES AND HE'S THE PROTAGONIST SO YOU'D EXPECT HIM TO LIVE RIGHT??? AND THEN HE JUST DIES AND DOESN'T APPEAR AGAIN FOR SO SO LONG

Pyro is an any pronouns warrior and it commits great atrocities while also having so much sillyness in his heart. I love her

I think Engineer blowed up his arm. I think

Spy is a cunt and also French. I do not think this I know this. I look at him and I sense his cuntery. It radiates off him. I can feel it.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE LETTER M BEING BRANDED ONTO MEDIC'S FACE BEING A REFERENCE TO THE MOVIE SCOUT WAS WATCHING WHERE THE LETTER M IS USED TO MARK A MURDERER. HE'S LITERALLY MARKED AS A MURDERER BY PYRO. SOMETHING ABOUT THE SCENE WITH DEMOMAN AND DELL'S BAR BEING A REFERENCE TO A SCENE IN THE SHINING WHERE THE MAIN CHARACTER IS LITERALLY TALKING TO A GHOST. SOMETHING ABOUT SCOUT'S MOTHER'S HEAD BEING HELD AROUND A CORNER AND DROPPED PARALLELING PYRO'S HEAD BEING HELD AROUND A CORNER AND DROPPED. SOMETHING ABOUT SCOUT'S "IF THEY EVER HIT YOU WITH SOMETHING, YOU HIT BACK TWICE AS HARD" WITH MEDIC SHOOTING SPY TWICE IN THE HEAD AFTER BEING SHOT ONCE IN THE GAME OF RUSSIAN ROULETTE WHY IS EMESIS BLUE SO GOOD

TF2 is in an eternal war with Overwatch for some reason

I was doing a poll a few days ago and the tags psychic blasted me with the information of "by the way people pay like fifty dollars to see medic's tiddies in game." I have gotten varying answers between ninety dollars to three hundred fucking dollars but the constant remains that people will pay Valve comically high amounts of money to see Medic's boobs. What

Scout almost got Earth exploded because he died a virgin???? But then God was like "Okay go back down to earth I'm giving them one last chance to all have sex with you" I'm so confused what does any of this mean none of this makes any sense but it's hilarious

Scout might be legitimately named after Jerma and bears a frightening resemblance to him (though to be fair scout is every white boy in one)

You should watch Emesis Blue it's free on youtube

Demoman's eye is sentient even though he doesn't have it????

I can't decide who's my favorite the white boy the unethical scientist or the silly nonbiney war criminal

Conclusion: What the fuck is team fortress the second one about

#cassie rambles #please don't tell me what it's about it's so much funnier if i am confused forever #tf2 #emesis blue

474 notes · View notes

frost-queen · 1 year

Text

A cat's way (Reader x Enoch O'Connor ft. the cat)

Requested by: @puppysjy ,Forever tag:@missmelodramatic, @merlin-dahlia, @alex--awesome--22, @elllie-does-the-posts, @floatlosers, @merlieve, @queen-of-books, @glimmering-darling-dolly@denkisclown, @wildieflower, @meyocoko, @bubblybrianna, @justanothercoco@subjecta13-thefangirl, @m-rae23, @harleyquinnswifeyfrfr, @swampthing07, @melsunshine, @panhoeofmanyfandoms, @venomsvl, @the-uncoordinated-house-cat, @rosecentury, @imagines-by-her, @evilcr0ne, @vviolynn

A/n: The cat has been changed to a male cause I thought it would be funnier.

Enoch sighed relieved seeing you sit alone by the tree. To be absolutely sure he looked around. Up and down hoping he wouldn’t encounter him. Behind him were Hugh and Fiona playing tag. Claire trying her best to join. Just a bit to his left he saw Olive helping Emma put the squirrel back up in the tree. Yet no annoying thing to be seen. Enoch plastered on a charming smile ready to make his way over to you. He took about three steps till he heard the annoying voice. – “Looking for me?” – Enoch turned his head upwards seeing the cat slide down a branch coming in view.

Enoch’s smile dropped, sighing deep. – “In your dreams furball.” – Enoch mocked back. The cat hissed loud dropping down in front of him. He came to sit down licking his paws. Enoch rolled his eyes at it, moving to go around it. The cat jumped aside blocking his path. It made Enoch groan annoyed, stepping more to the right.

The cat once again blocked his path to you. – “Let me through you furball!” – Enoch called out bothered. The cat licked his paw, then washed it behind his ear. – “If you say please.” – The cat answered plainly. It made Enoch boil, clenching his hand. – “Like hell!” – Enoch called out. The cat shuddered out a chuckle. – “See you getting all worked up over me.” – he responded.

“Y/n!” – Enoch called out having enough of his interruption. You jerked your head in his direction. – “Y/n!” – Enoch repeated waving his arms at you. The cat hissed loud jumping at him. Enoch stumbled backwards onto his back. The cat sitting on his chest. – “Get off!” – Enoch groaned out, wriggling to get the cat off him. The cat hissed again at him, pressing his paw firm onto his chest. – “Mister Fluffzpants.” – you said.

Instantly the cat turned to you, squinting its eyes to give you the sweetest expression. You bend down to pick your cat up. – “Are you playing with Enoch?” – you asked as you moved it close to your chest. Mr. Fluffzpants purred, snuggling his head against you. Enoch moved his upper body up. – “That thing is ferocious.” – he called out with a point. – “Mr. Fluffzpants?” – you answered confused looking down at your sweetest cat.

You pulled him up, pressing his cheek against yours. – “Look at him. He’s the cutest thing ever.” – you said as the cat purred against your cheek. The moment it stared down at Enoch disappeared all signs of cuteness. – “See!” – Enoch said desperately. You walked up to Enoch, offering him your hand. He took it letting you pull him up. You started brushing some dirt off him.

“There all better.” – you said. – “Y/n I…” – Enoch started taking your hand. – “Yes…” – you replied. – “Au!” – Enoch blurted out pulling his hand away from you. Your eyes widened seeing the scratch marks on his hand. – “Mr. Fluffzpants!” – you called out looking sternly at the cat. – “That wasn’t very nice.”

You dropped the cat onto the ground. – “Hey!” – it called out feeling tossed away. – “Oh Enoch does it hurt?” – you asked taking his wounded hand gently into yours. Enoch tried to hide his smile of victory. You carefully touched it as Enoch flinched at the touch. – “He’s exaggerating.” – Mr. Fluffzpants called out. Enoch shook his head trying so hard not to show he actually was. – “Hush Mr. Fluffzpants.” – you said with a dismissive glare.

Enoch stuck his tongue out to the cat behind your back. The cat hissed as you hardened your glare. Mr. Fluffzpants laid down begging for forgiveness. – “Let me tend to you Enoch.” – you spoke taking him with you back to the house. Mr. Fluffzpants got up, narrowing his eyes on Enoch. – “You better sleep with one eye open boy.” – he purred out. He then ran after you as he barely left your side.

You led Enoch inside the pink manor darting out of the way of a running Bronwyn and Horace rushing down the stairs. You crossed over heading into the kitchen. You sat Enoch down by his shoulders on a chair. – “Does it hurt much?” – you asked looking in some cabinets for bandages. Enoch was about to speak when Mr. Fluffzpants hopped onto the counter. He glared at Enoch, tilting his head to the side. Enoch gulped nervously.

“Uhm...not so much anymore.” – he answered. You found some bandages noticing Mr. Fluffzpants. – “You behave.” – you said. – “As always.” – he answered lowering his head in a bow. You cleaned his wound and put a bandage on it. – “Perhaps a kiss?” – Enoch said boldly offering you his hand. – “Perhaps not.” – Mr. Fluffzpants called out. You smiled touching Enoch’s nose. – “You are teasing me.” – you spoke as Enoch smiled nervously at his missed opportunity.

You rubbed Mr. Fluffzpants on his head before heading out. – “I’d watch your back O’Connor.” – The cat said showing him his claws. Enoch puffed loud. – “You better watch yours furball!” – he responded getting up. – “When you are dead I’ll toy with your body for funs.” – Enoch called out before darting out of the kitchen.

The cat gasped loud. – “You foul monster!” – Mr. Fluffzpants shouted dipping down the counter onto the ground. – “I shall have your eyes scratched out. Playing with your guts like a ball of wool!” – he shouted standing in the hallway. Miss Peregrine who had just left her study, cleared her throat. Mr. Fluffzpants chuckled nervously, dipping his head down. Miss Peregrine watched him run off like a scaredy cat. On his way he knocked over a jar. It crashed down, glass shattering around.

The cat gasped loud, stopping briefly in his tracks with a raised paw. Miss Peregrine’s eyebrow rose higher. The cat rushed up the stairs. Darting between Millard’s walking shoes. Millard nearly tripped over the cat. Mr. Fluffzpants kept looking over his shoulder hoping Miss Peregrine wouldn’t follow him. He jumped into a room, jumping onto Enoch’s lap. – “What are you doing?” – Enoch called out. – “She’s coming.” – he said scared plopping of his lap. – “I need hiding.” – Mr. Fluffzpants rushed through his room towards the shelves.

Enoch got up moving over to his shelves. – “No! Get out!” – he called out trying to catch the cat by his tail as it jumped from shelf to shelf. Enoch’s eyes widened as one of his jars toggled over. He was able to catch it in time making him sigh relieved. Mr. Fluffzpants jumped on Enoch hearing footsteps in the corridor. – “Who is it?” – Enoch asked feeling the cat’s tail draped over his shoulder. – “The bird.” – he whispered lowering himself.

“Miss P.” – Enoch gasped out as the cat hid in his sweater. Enoch squirmed as it tickled him. Mr. Fluffzpants moved to his back, grabbing onto his shirt underneath his sweater. There was a knock on Enoch’s door as it made them both gasp. The door opened as Enoch and the cat feared the worst. – “Hi Enoch.” – Enoch sighed relieved as it was only Olive. – “Hi Olive.” – he responded pulling his sweater open by his back. – “Now get off!” – Enoch insisted wiggling his back to get the cat off. Olive stared confused at the display.

She blinked confused when Mr. Fluffzpants dropped onto the ground. The cat hissed at Enoch. – “I saved your catty life!” – he called out. Mr. Fluffzpants bowed his head. It then rushed out of the room past Olive. – “Are you two getting along?” – she asked curious. – “No.” – Enoch responded loudly. – “Not even a little bit?” – she continued sweetly. – “We are not friends.” – Enoch declared. Mr. Fluffzpants made his way to your room as you were there to his surprise.

“Oh where have you been.” – you asked as the cat jumped onto your nightstand. – “You don’t want to know.” – he answered. He lifted his head up as you scratched his neck. – “Do you want a belly rub Mr. Fluffzpants?” – you asked. The cat hopped onto your lap, rolling over. – “You don’t have to say that twice.” – he purred moving a bit with his paws. You smiled rubbing his belly. You sighed soft staring into the distance. Mr. Fluffzpants rolled over, setting his paw against your chest, standing upright.

“What is it owner.” – he asked curious. You gave him a faint smile as he already knew what you were thinking off. – “Don’t think of that boy.” – he called out patting your nose with his soft paw. – “I can’t help it.” – you answered. – “You have me. You needn’t need anyone else. Never had.” – Mr. Fluffzpants reminded you. – “I know… but having Enoch around makes me feel something Fluffz.” – you answered. Mr. Fluffzpants lowered itself on your lap once more. Claire came knocking on your door telling you that diner was ready. After diner were you outside.

Walking a bit around as Mr. Fluffzpants was near you. Guarding you like he always had. He jumped, narrowing his eyes. – “Not a chance.” – he said to Enoch, stopping him from taking another step. Enoch sighed deep. – “Let me have a moment with her.” – he begged. – “No!” – Mr. Fluffzpants answered grumpy. – “I…you owe me for letting you hide from Miss P!” – Enoch let out to blackmail the cat. The cat turned his head rudely. – “That was hardly any saving. It was only Olive.” – he answered dismissively.

Enoch smirked. – “Then you wouldn’t mind me telling Miss P where you are so she can have you clean up your mess.” – he expressed with vanity. The cat remained silent looking anxious around. – “What cat caught your tongue?” - Enoch pressed on. The cat gave him a side-eye for such a stupid comment. Then it sighed loud, sitting down. – “Fine, but only because you please my owner.” – he said, tail swishing over the grass.

“Thank you.” – Enoch said. – “Don’t mention it.” – Mr. Fluffzpants answered. Enoch walked passed the cat over to you. The cat turned watching from afar how Enoch met up with you. Seeing the joy in your eyes upon seeing him. – “Perhaps not so bad after all.” – he muttered with a smile. – “What was that cat?” – Mr. Fluffzpants meowed loud jumping out of his skin.

Panting he looked up to seeing Olive suddenly stand by him. – “Nothing!” – he groaned out annoyed. Olive bend down to him. – “Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul.” – she winked knowing the two of them warming up to each other. Olive left as Mr. Fluffzpants laid himself down in the grass, keeping a watchful eye on you from afar. Just like he always had.

---------------------------------------------