#I know it's poison to begin a relationship of any sort with the mindset that your time together is limited

[kittlyns]

I've been getting lost in my own head so much lately

[fizzingwizard]

watching QI and Stephen Fry just said that PG Wodehouse was friends with Arthur Conan Doyle and based Jeeves and Wooster on the relationship between Holmes and Watson - one smart and one a “blitherer.”

And as I grind my teeth and feel happy to live in the era of reclaiming Watson from accusations of stupidity when compared to a man who can tell what part of London you’ve been in by the mud on your trousers, I turn to Google, which offers me the balm of “a thirty second sound bite from QI does not, in fact, tell the whole story” lol

(On the other hand, given that Fry was Jeeves, maybe he is more just having a laugh at Hugh Laurie? bahahaha)

under a cut for length

Here’s one with this fabulous description:

“Wodehouse’s most famous characters are undoubtedly Jeeves and Wooster — a twentieth century, self-absorbed Holmes and Watson, if they were divided by class and Watson’s bloodline had gone through a few more generations of in-breeding —”

buahahaha. Well, let’s consider that the inbreeding had more to do with the blithering than the Watson influence :)

But the rest of it is a very interesting article about Wodehouse as a German captive, and it’s pretty wow. And I went down a rabbit trail here feeling sympathetic for a guy who does come across as ignorant and bumbling, mainly because politics are boring:

“A news article was released at the same time, exacerbating the situation. Wodehouse stated, ‘I never was interested in politics. I'm quite unable to work up any kind of belligerent feeling. Just as I'm about to feel belligerent about some country I meet a decent sort of chap. We go out together and lose any fighting thoughts or feelings.”

I mean any day of the week I’d be on board with that quote. But not during war, not during times people are “meant” to be angry. And anger very much has its place. It really is a human dilemma: requiring everyone to be angry when there really and truly is something worth being angry about rejects the idea of people whose basic nature is peaceful. I guess you could say they were born in the wrong era, not that we get any sort of choice about it.

“The MI6 officer [in Paris] decided Wodehouse was merely ‘ill-fitted to live in an age of ideological conflict’”

that is so funny. and heart-breaking. not even about Wodehouse - about all the people in the world who are equally ill-fitted for the times, but still the times needs them...

When good people do nothing, we know what happens. But, on the other hand, among those good people is a whole lot of individual people, some of whom simply don’t want the inconvenience, and some of whom are really basically peaceful and developing a warlike mindset would destroy them. As always, humans don’t like humanity. We must fit into boxes - even the people who reject boxes do their best to fit everyone into different boxes. Because of pain - it’s hard to argue with pain.

Anyway back to Holmes and Watson, lol.

My favorite bits in this one begin with a Wodehouse quote:

“Usually we tend to discard the idols of our youth as we grow older, but I have not had this experience with A.C.D. I thought him swell then, and I think him swell now.“

Thanks for validating the idols of our youth for us old fogies who dare to continue to enjoy life past 25!

Oh this is great too:

“As a creator of comedy romances, Wodehouse’s detectives were permitted time off from the study of little known Asiatic poisons to relax at the Senior Bloodstain, and even to fall in love. A hardboiled crime writer could never permit such diversions, as we learn from Wodehouse’s fictional crime writer, James Rodman, in ‘Honeysuckle Cottage’.

‘He held rigid views on the art of the novel, and always maintained that an artist with a true reverence for his craft should not descend to goo-ey love stories, but should stick austerely to revolvers, cries in the night, missing papers, mysterious Chinamen, and dead bodies — with or without gash in throat.’”

take that, you hardboiled detectives you!!

So I found other comparisons of J&W and H&W as well, but nothing that went too deep. I think what I was hoping to find, and which may exist somewhere, is someone considering the role-flopping aspect: Watson is Holmes’s helper, but Holmes equivalent Jeeves is Wooster’s helper. That changes things a lot. If Jeeves were a woman, he might have been perceived by readers as a “nagging wife” sort, for instance. Whereas if Watson were a woman, his stupidity would be forgiven, but he’d definitely need a lot more rescuing from Dastardly Villains, - at least once per story and twice per novel ;)

I like thinking of J&W as Wodehouse going “I really need a Sherlock Holmes in my life to tell me what to do” and poof, Jeeves is born. I would say the same, except I hate to be told what to do :)

[luciusmalfoysimp]

Using Your SafeWord For the First Time With Lucius Malfoy (one shot)

this one shot is going to be nsfw, and it will involve mentions of poor mental health/depression and anxiety. if you are in fact struggling with either of those two, please know you are loved by so many people. message me anytime :)

this is gonna have a dom!Lucius (of course) and a relationship involving bdsm.

warnings: impact (ie spanking and more), restraint, mentions of poor mental health

Your cries of pain rang through the air and echoed against the walls as you received another harsh strike to your rear. You currently found yourself bent over your partner’s bed, your hands harshly tied together behind you with a thick, dark green rope, a piece of black silk covering your eyes, and your ass red, sore, and exposed to Lucius, who stood behind you, staring at your state.

The past few days had been incredibly rough for you mentally. Your mind was filled with all sorts of intrusive and unhealthy thoughts, plagued by depression and anxiety. As much as you wanted to open up, your anxiety only told you that Lucius didn’t want to hear them, as he already had enough stress with work; he didn’t need to be concerned about you.

Your mind was getting so rotted and poisoned that you needed a release. You decided to turn to your partner in a different way, and asked him to just let you have it, hoping the physical pain he’d inflict on you would drown out the mental.

Ragged breaths shook from your body as you anticipated your dominant’s next move. You could hear his quiet footsteps as he paced back and forth, and you could practically hear the smirk on his face. In a condescending voice, he asked you if you were enjoying yourself, and you replied with a hoarse “yes, sir.” The fluttering of the tassels on the flogger in his hand was a noise you were all too familiar with, and you wondered when his next strike would be. You shivered as he chuckled quietly and you heard him walk away. What is he grabbing now...

Your question was quickly answered as you felt the cold metal of your dominant’s cane lightly rub against your flesh. Beneath the blindfold, you felt your eyes widen as you realized what tool he would be using next on you. Can I really handle his cane today...? No, I know I can... Despite what you told yourself, you could feel a pang of doubt in your stomach. A hand suddenly gripped your hair and you felt Lucius’s hot breath on the shell of your ear.

“I’d prepare yourself if I were you...” His voice was a seductive snarl, and your only response was a quiet whine. As he backed away, you could feel your already sweat-slicked palms get damper from anxiety. Your heart began to race as Lucius intentionally stood still, leaving you to wonder when he’d at last begin the torture.

It almost seemed like slow motion. You could hear the air being cut by the sharp swing of the cane, and then the white-hot pain spread all across your rear. Instantly, you let out a voice-clawing yell of surprise and pain, and you felt tears fill your eyes. You couldn’t see it, but Lucius smirked down at you with pride. He loved seeing you so vulnerable and completely his.

Another shriek left your throat as you were hit again, and you gritted your teeth, letting a groan out through your tightly clamped jaw. You didn’t want to cry, you were too strong for that. You needed to focus on the pain...

Even though you told yourself this, you felt your mind wander to the thoughts that clouded all things positive. As you were struck a third time, these thoughts seemed to amplify in volume, with words of not being good enough and feelings of unworthiness getting louder in your head. The silk against your eyes started to dampen, and the shockwave of pain coursed through you, this one being much worse as Lucius decided to put his whole arm into the swing.

Your reaction was instant, as you screeched from the incredible ache on your already burning backside. You instinctively pulled against the ropes restraining your wrists as you felt tears slip from beneath the soft fabric of your blindfold. Internally, you hoped that the next impact would be lighter, but to your horror, it quickly became apparent that he put the same amount of strength in this hit as the last one. You went to scream but no noise came out, only an inhale. Lucius hadn’t put much time between his strikes, and the sting from the last was now more intense.

That’s when your mind began to explode. Hurtful phrases towards yourself began to just completely rip through your brain at what seemed a million miles an hour. Everything became 100% more intense as you began to go into sensory overload. Lucius’s breaths and footsteps from behind you sounded like it was being played through a concert amp at full blast, the light you could vaguely see through the blindfold suddenly was in competition with the sun, the blanket beneath you became course and uncomfortable, the light saltiness from your tears was suddenly the same taste of sea water...

And Lucius struck again.

I can’t fucking do this, I can’t fucking do this...

This phrase drowned out the rest of your thoughts, and with a deep breath...

“WHIPLASH.” You sobbed, your body completely trembling.

This had never happened during a scene before, and Lucius’s then sadistic mindset completely shattered at the raw desperation in your voice. It completely shook him, actually confused him at first, and it took only a split second to ground him and melt from his current headspace. In an instant, he threw the cane to the side, the clattering of it hitting the ground unknowingly frightening you and making you shrink into the mattress, bringing your bound hands closer to your head to protect yourself in some way. Instinctively, you began to repeatedly say your safeword in a hoarse voice, tears flowing faster.

It nearly broke Lucius to see you this distraught. He grabbed his wand and with a flick of his wrist pointed towards your tied hands, the rope loosened. You shuddered as you felt him quickly pull the rope away from you, and despite him removing your blindfold, you kept your eyes screwed shut. Lucius pulled your torso up as he sat in front of you, his hands going to the sides of your face while you sat on your haunches.

“Darling, what’s wrong?” His tone was so soothing and you could feel yourself calm ever so slightly. The warmth from his hands left your face momentarily and you heard some rustling of a soft blanket nearby. Kitten-soft fabric wrapped around your bare shoulders and went down your back, warming up the fabric from your thin black camisole. You gripped the blanket and pulled it tight against you.

“My love, please look at me.” Lucius’s voice was as soft as the blanket, you allowed your eyes to open. His face was clouded by tears, but you could make out his rare worried expression and his beautiful hair pulled back in a sleek ponytail. The tears flooded and your sight was cleared better.

His expression, which was usually cold as ice, was one that you’d only seen on a few occasions, usually when you’d accidentally get hurt or when you got separated from him on Diagon Alley for a good fifteen minutes. His brows were furrowed, his piercing eyes glinting with concern, lips slightly parted as he awaited your response.

Opening your mouth, you went to explain yourself, only to be overwhelmed with emotion. As much as you wanted to, you couldn’t get a word out as your crying took over you, your body shaking with each sob. When you looked at Lucius through your tears, all you could see was an expression of heartbreak on your lover’s face, and you buried your face into your palms, trying to hide your hurt.

He truly was heartbroken as he watched you completely break down in front of him. All he wanted to give you in life was joy, pleasure, and safety. The thought of you experiencing any kind of negative emotion honestly slightly scared him. He’d always hoped to see you content and full of smiles. Of course he knew that you were human and you experienced other emotions than happiness, but seeing this intensity of utter distress and sadness gave him a cold pain in his chest.

You felt his hands move to yours, lightly gripping them and prying them away. You hesitated, but let him remove your shielding hands as you sniffled, your throat burning as you tried to keep yourself from crying any further. All you could do was stare at your hands in your dom’s, trying to avoid eye contact as much as you could. This attempt failed as one of his hands left yours to grasp your chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting your head up and eventually meeting his incredible blue-green eyes.

“My love...” His tone gave away his concern as well. There was a slight tremble to it that you picked up on. “Please, tell me what is going on.”

Taking a deep breath, you slowly began to express your recent painful thoughts to him, instantly tearing up again. You told him your hopes of coping with his sadism, hoping that the pain would overshadow your thoughts, and how when he used his cane, it only amplified everything: your thoughts, your senses, and your pain. A flicker of regret could be seen in Lucius’s eyes as you said this. Lastly, you told him how you didn’t want to burden him with your struggles.

The entire time you spoke, Lucius never broke eye contact, and would stop you to make you look at him when you’d look away. He wanted you to know you had his complete undivided attention and that you yourself wouldn’t get distracted in anyway. As you spoke, his hand ran up and down your shoulder, a reassuring gesture that he was there for you. His other hand lightly wiped your tears away and cupped your face, another soft action to help you feel secure.

Once you’d finally finished your explanation, your dominant pulled you into his lap, his arms around your waist. You put your arms around his neck and buried your face into his shoulder, enjoying his warmth and closeness. His left hand came up from your waist and cupped the back of your head. The two of you sat for a minute in silence as silent tears went down your face.

“Darling...” Lucius’s rich voice broke the silence. “You never, ever need to fear that your feelings can’t be shared with me. I need to know when you are unwell. I absolutely adore you, and I want to make things better for you when you’re hurting.” You felt his embrace tighten. “Let me take care of you...”

And with that, the two of you stayed together for a bit longer before he insisted on you taking a warm, comforting bath, which you agreed to. He gently brought you to his master bathroom, which had a luxurious jacuzzi tub, and sat you on the edge as he waved his wand and the taps turned on instantly, warm water filling the tub quickly.

As the tub filled, you vacantly stared into the water, feeling out-of-body in a way. Your mind felt heavy yet empty, like TV static. While you stared, Lucius was quick to grab a few of your favorite essential oils and drop some into the tub, the water becoming silky. He noticed your vacant gaze and walked over to you, cupping your chin to make you face him. His other hand tugged at the hem of your camisole, asking to take it off. You hazily lifted your arms and allowed your partner to take off your last piece of clothing, throwing it aside. Once the bath was filled (which didn’t take very long), you sank into the warm water and allowed yourself to relax.

Lucius’s hands ran down the back of your neck and landed on your shoulders, which he lightly began to massage. You closed your eyes in bliss at the magic of his hands, which were able to find every knot and tense spot and diffuse it quickly. As he did this, he brought his lips to your ear, whispering nothing but sweet praises to you.

“You’re alright.” “I’m here.” “You’re safe.” “You took everything so well.” “I’m so proud of you.” “I’m so lucky to have you.” “I’m so glad you’re mine.” “You don’t have to worry anymore.”

Each time he spoke did more to ease your mind, and you eventually found yourself crying quietly once again, but tears of relief. He was right: you were safe. Lucius would always be there to protect you and be right by your side.

At last, the water of the tub started to get cold. Lucius helped get you to your feet and wrap you in an incredibly soft towel. As you stood before him, towel covering you from your chest to your knees, your tearstained face finally dry, Lucius couldn’t help but to pull you into a quick embrace, his lips solftly touching your forehead.

“Would you like to get changed into anything, my pet?” He asked in a soft voice. You nodded and Lucius sat you on his bed and left for a minute. When he returned, he produced a long nightgown (or a matching pajama shirt and pants if you’d prefer) and slowly eased you into them.

Usually, when your naked form was in view of your dominant, he couldn’t help but just absolutely salavate at the sight, wanting to indulge you in nothing but utter pleasure until you were seeing stars. But in this moment, your nudity wasn’t anything sexual to him. He didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable after all that you’d endured.

Finally dressed, you were brought to his bed and you climbed in, allowing yourself some peace. After lighting a fire in the fireplace from his wand with a mutter of a spell, Lucius changed out of your view into a simple black pair of elegant silk pajamas and then got into bed behind you, his face going into the back of your neck as his arms went around your torso. You turned over as he held you and buried your face into his chest, your arms returning the embrace. You ended up falling asleep to the blissful sound of your lover’s voice quietly praising you, the fireplace cracking in the background, the warmth of his body against yours, and his hand lightly petting your hair.

Once he noticed you were asleep, Lucius sighed quietly to himself, content to see you at ease. He closed his eyes, thinking to himself how lucky he is to have you in his arms at that moment, and with that, he fell into a peaceful slumber beside you.

[kodzumie-archived]

Can l request a yandere kokichi and nagito with a insecure possessive so? Thank you very much

❝HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT❞

Synopsis; What are the yanderes like with an insecure and possessive darling?

Featuring; Kokichi Oma and Nagito Komaeda x GN! Reader

Warning(s); Yandere themes, established relationship, manipulation, emotional abuse, possessiveness, insecure thoughts (reader), sacrilege, worship, implications of stockholm syndome, self-harm (Nagito), blood, slight gore, attempted suicide, and mentions of hospitaliation.

Kodzumie’s Note; Of course you can! Thank you for your request, this was a very interesting concept, and one that I enjoyed writing! Take care, love. Muah! <3

➤ KOKICHI OMA

⤷ He’s cunning; calculating all the ways he can use your weaknesses to his advantage. Truthfully, he’s the reason you have a desperate need to pledge your claim on him. He made you this way; riddled in insecurities, fearing that you’ll never be enough for him.

⤷ The constant malice laced with faux, brutal honesty in his words as he admits that if you get boring, he’ll leave you. In the way he drops such soul-shattering admissions without a care terrified you. Were you that easy to discard?

⤷ And thus spiraled your fogged mind of whether or not what you do is spontaneous enough. Is it enough to be deemed unpreditable? Will it keep him interested? Will he be entertained?

⤷ It’s a cruel, sadistic game that he’s forced your self-assurance to play. Constantly chasing after him as he turns his back to you, threatening you with the shackles of abandonment.

⤷ He’s caged you in a mindset where you cannot rely on trust any longer. Trusting a deceiver would bring you nothing but heartbreak; you’ve had to bear this lesson far too many times to relive it once more. Trust—in this corrupted love—was a vice.

⤷ So you took it into your cold, dead hands to carry the burden of ensuring that your lover remains. Wary glances of where he runs off to, heart worrying away over who he could possibly be with at that very moment. Who has he deemed worthy of his invaluable time now?

⤷ You fret over any and all possibilities. Perhaps he finds someone more deserving of his time, leaving you for them in the blink of an eye. Or perhaps he simply grows tired of you, your existence proving to be far too predictable and not suitable to his adrenaline-crazed tastes.

⤷ In every moment, you fixate on the where his eyes flicker when he’s with you. It’s taunting, the distraught of catching him looking at someone else. Someone other than you.

⤷ And he knows this. He’s more than aware of how worriedly you follow his gazes, hoping not to find another person they’re directed towards. It’s a realization he plans to use to the fullest, caving in whatever sense of self-esteem you had that maybe—just maybe—he only had eyes for you.

⤷ But having faith in such a deceitful individual was a mistake you’ve made far too many times. Even now as you follow Kokichi’s eyes to settle upon a figure.

⤷ Your heart dropped to the pits of your stomach, an unruly pang piercing your conviction with the tendrils of a distorted reality; he’s gazing upon someone else.

⤷ That’s not you. That’s not you. That’s not you. That’s not you. That’s not you. That’s not you. That’s not you—

⤷ “Kokichi, what are you looking at?” You cut the suffocating silence. Your breaths uneven as the functioning of your lungs felt labored. Throat contracting in anxiety, you swore you wouldn’t be able to hear his—inevitably deleterious—reply over the deafening pulsating of your heart.

⤷ “Just someone.” He mutters. But you see it, you notice what you prayed was merely an illusory of your culminated fears; he wouldn’t take his eyes off them. Not even as he replied to you. Not even as you tightened the grip on your intertwined hands. He wouldn’t stop looking at them.

⤷ In that moment, you could only describe it as the relentless tearing of your fragile heart. The desire to be his faithful partner in which such devotion is reciprocated is tattered with disdain.

⤷ You’re replacable. In what you believed were the earnest eyes of Kokichi Oma, you were to be repudiated.

⤷ As your eyes tear up and you begin to drag your boyfriend away, successfully garnering his attention away from that supposed stranger at long last, your blurred vision and hasty steps led you to miss the deviously depraved grin of his that was far too sinisterly crooked.

⤷ Your reactions, your blind fury and innermost apprehensions were so amusing; so comically enthralling. It’s no wonder he promises the two of you are sworn lovers; you never cease to stun him.

⤷ Once you two have reached a somewhat secluded area and far enough from the previous scene in which your heart ached to think about, you turned to Kokichi with such a catastrophic sheen of betrayal yet interlaced with the poison of envisage. You had expected this, hadn’t you?

⤷ “Why?” The words hang in the tense air as you peer down at the ground below, unable to meet his eyes in which—to your expectancy—darkened with the tainting of rejection; rejection of you.

⤷ This was a game that seemed far too easy for the cunning boy. It was as though you’d granted him the key to your mind, allowing him to feverishly jeopardize your self-reverence.

⤷ “What do you mean?” It’s a simple question; a plead of elaboration. But Kokichi knows all-too-well what plagued root pollute his intentions. He wants to see you break. And it seems like he’ll be getting exactly what he wants.

⤷ “What do I mean? Kokichi, what do I mean?!” You sharply inhale, your breathing sporadic as tears spill from your eyes.

⤷ “Stop playing dumb for once! Just tell me, just say it to my face, Kokichi! Are you tired of me?!” It’s a shout that tears your throat raw, emotion seeping into each word, woven with the most intricate of desperation.

⤷ He sees how you’re beginning to lose yourself; losing your self-respect as you claw at all that he’s formulated to define you. It’s as he’d planned, you need him.

⤷ And it should’ve ended the moment he’d realized how far gone your independence has been muddled upon his taxing gambling upon your mind. But he didn’t. It was far too amusing to stop now. Your desperation for his affections to be for you—solely for you—were addictive, and he wanted more of it.

⤷ So, as he cradled you, drawing you closer and inviting you to seek comfort within his bodily warmth, he suppresses a wicked cackle.

⤷ Whispering promises that you were still the one whom held his heart captive; you, you, you! And as pitifully naïve as you are, you decide to believe in him once more.

⤷ Perhaps you’d never believed him, and rather seeked out an excuse that brought the most comfort to you. Attempting to piece together your fragmented self-assurance, you depended on the contentment of his promises. Even if they were nothing more than the lies you’ve come to confide in.

➤ NAGITO KOMAEDA

⤷ A sworn worshipper; Nagito will go to the ends of the Earth to prove his devotion to his darling. His heart belongs solely to you, interlocked between the weaving of your hypnotic web as he hails you.

⤷ He believes with the entirety of his worthless being that you are a divinity; a detiy amongst purposeless nobodies that serve as nothing more than your stepping stone. But he believes you are merciful.

⤷ After all, if you had not been so graciously charitable, you’d have no associated with a low-life such as himself. Much less, willingly put yourself in a relationship with him.

⤷ It’s a blissful thought; to think that he could mean something to someone. To have some sort of negligible value.

⤷ But it’s one that he cannot take to heart. His worth lies on whether or not he can serve you—his darling deity—to the best of his lousy ability. He’ll happily dedicate his life to you.

⤷ Far-too-gone in the abyss of infatuation, Nagito finds himself unable to properly comprehend how someone so ethereal—someone so celestial—couldn’t see their blinding eminence.

⤷ He genuinely believed the notion of insecurity was foreign to you; a vulnerability that the emobodiment of all that is heavenly shouldn’t identify with. And yet he is forced to acknowledge that his lover—his one true hope—is unbearably familiar with such a plagued enigma.

⤷ Your sporadic hues narrowing at those who meet eyes with Nagito. The common practice of smiles directed towards strangers irked you; they were smiling at Nagito. Was he familiar with them? How was their smile comparable to yours? Could it rival yours, the one he claimed to encapsulate his heart?

⤷ An inkling of doubt resided within you whenever another was involved with your boyfriend. You understood full-well how much he loved you, but love is as empowering as it is contagious.

⤷ You know that these fears are nothing more than that; a drop of blood in which dirties the pure waters of reassurance. You’re aware your reactions are exaggerated, a carciture in comparison to the situation. But then why did he bother to smile back?

⤷ The thought resides within the back of your consciousness as you ponder over it. Certainly, it was no big deal. But why did it spur such an ache within your heart? Why do you feel the insuppressible urge to vacate the vicinity right within that moment?

⤷ It hurt to think. A torment so grand at the miniscule possibility that-that mutual exchange of smiles meant something more. Was it possible for Nagito—who pledges full allegiance with you as his faultless god—to fall through the clutches of your claim?

⤷ He devoted himself to you, that much you were sure of. Upon your first true meeting, he terrified you to your very core. You insisted that there was something wrong with him; something sickeningly distorted within his fogged mind of fixation.

⤷ But over time, after the relentless admissions that he wants nothing more than to serve you; worship you; love you; you’d eased into his proclomations. His depravity, albeit sinister and channeled with great fault, was out of his love for you; his pure loyalty and devotion.

⤷ So why had you continued to doubt him? He told you himself, didn’t he? He loves you more than anyone else could, more than anyone else could ever be capable of. And despite this, he still admits to viewing himself as mere scum, unworthy of your love but whose purpose is to worship and hail you.

⤷ Could it be that he’d ever seek out someone he’d believe himself to be worthy of association? Would he truly leave you for someone he deemed, too, as lowly as him?

⤷ Your thoughts have riddled themself until there’s a gaping hole within your heart—a cavity that’s sunk itself deep within the caverns of your gravitated love—and within his home that you two enter, hand-in-hand, you allow your visage to crack.

⤷ One sob after another, your knees give out from beneath you, harshly meeting with the wooden floorboards.

⤷ The sound startling Nagito as he turns to you with concern evident within the stitch of his brows. Instantaneously, he drops to where you were seated on the floor, weeping away as sobs scratched your throat raw.

⤷ “My love, what’s wrong?” He questions. His heart thumping within his ears as he cradles you, swaying your bodies ever-so-slowly in order to soothe you. Thus your crying turned erratic as you clutched against the fabric of his jacket.

⤷ He holds you so gently, he embraces you with such a warmth pooling from his heart. Did you really have any right to doubt him?

⤷ Yet it spurs such pain as the flashing of his reciprocated smile loops within your mind. Over and over, eating away at your self-restraint as you blubber; Did that smile mean anything?

⤷ He pauses, attempting to register your words. But they’re far too vague for him to properly process, and he pulls away from the embrace to face you with a perplexed countenance.

⤷ “Y-You smiled at that one person a-and—and...I just felt—“ Before you could continue, a sob escaped between your quivering lips. Your throat ripped dry as you began to question why you were crying so hard.

⤷ But before you could continue, Nagito pulled away from the embrace completely. Unfortunately, putting the worst possible conclusion within your mind as your break down was amplified.

⤷ Why did he move away? Why, why, why, why, why? Is this it? Have you finally wrung out your time with him? Is it finally over?

⤷ Though your momentary doubt was put to a halt as Nagito presses his hands against his chest, gesturing towards himself, frantically.

⤷ His eyes dilated with depravity interlaced by the seams of desperation. His lips curled into a crooked grin as his breathing came out in sporadic huffs.

⤷ “No, no, no, no, no! My beloved hope, this is just a misunderstanding.” He confesses. His hands visibly shaking as he seems to tremble from the possibility that his darling deity would ever be put under such pain from his incompetence to outwardly convey his true, unhindered love.

⤷ “I’m merely scum beneath the soles of your shoes, I’ve caused this minsinterpretation due to my ignorance. I shouldn’t even weild the right to say, my beloved, please forgive me.” He rambled. With each word, his breathing was becoming more prominent to you. It’s heavy; panicked; furious.

⤷ “I promise to you, I am solely yours. Your stepping stone towards renouncing the world of its despair. Your follower even through the flames of societial Hell. I am yours, and only yours.” His hand move to grab a hold of yours, but he quickly shrinks back in disgust at his audaciousness. How dare he grab at the hands of such divinity?

⤷ And thus, he reels his hands back and clutches his throat. His nails digging into the supple skin as he releases a breathy chuckle. His eyes blown open with a sheen of insanity, you find yourself thrust into the fear you’d experience upon first meeting him; when his luck had been particularly bad that day, and you caught him situation outside your bedroom window.

⤷ His erratic, turbulent temper terrified you. The way he dug his fingers further into his throat, clawing at the skin until the salmon-tinted lines began to trickle with deep, crimson. His pale skin stained with his own blood as he kept tearing at his throat.

⤷ “I deserve the worst of punishments for enforcing such despair upon you! Being killed within a millenial of lifetimes could never be enough to repent for the sins that the trash that I am has committed!” He shouts. You gasp, fearing for his wellbeing as he continuously attempts to pry the skin of his throat open; an inevitable suicide if he continued.

⤷ “Stop! Nagito, stop!” You scream, tears blurrying your vision considerably. Yet as his figure turned to abtract forms of color, you could still make out the sickeningly red blobs. He was bleeding, he was bleeding so much.

⤷ Prying his blood-stained hands from his throat that—if he’d continued—would’ve been torn to shreds. Your breathing loud and hiccuped, whilst his is mellow and nearly inaudible. It must hurt to breathe.

⤷ “Why? Why, why, why, why?!” You question, fear woven into your eyes as you tighten your grip on his wrists for reassurance; the assurance that he won’t proceed to try and kill himself.

⤷ He smiled, though as he attempted to speak, he coughed up remanence of what he’d inflicted; blood mixed with his saliva as he attempted to regulate his breathing.

⤷ He needed to go to a hospital and he needs to go now. But as you attempted to carry him to the front door, your phone in hand dialing an ambulance, Nagito presses his thumb against the end call button.

⤷ You face him with a panicked and agitataed expression. Is he truly hellbent on dying? All because of the conveyance of your insecurities?

⤷ “Don’t...Can’t.” He voices. Though it’s so hoarse and mangled that you could barely understand his words. But with a bit of thinking, you find yourself deducing a reason behind his rejection of professional aid.

⤷ Even if you got him to a hospital, you’d inevitably have to explain what’d occurred. And informing them of his attempted suicide would surely have him hospitalized for much longer or even transfered to a clinic. Nagito always told you that any moment spent without you is the eye of true despair.

⤷ Why had you doubted him? Why couldn’t you suppress yourself? His pain, his injury, it was all your fault. You know he devoted himself to you and through extremes such as this.

⤷ You flung his arm over your shoulder, carefully treading towards the living room as you set him down upon the couch, ready to fetch the first-aid kit.

⤷ You can fix this. You can make up for your mistakes, and help him. This is your fault, all your fault! But you can still fix it, right? You can still make it right, yeah? It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. It’ll all be okay.

⤷ As you laid him down on the coach, his throat now barely trickling as he winces from the pain, he gazes up at you with such sincerity you find yourself in tears once again. “I love you, and I would happily die for you. I’m sorry for what my worthless self has caused you.”

⤷ His words force you into a state of fear. How could he speak of his death so easily? It unnerved you, yet you consistently reminded yourself that he wouldn’t die. The wounds are shallow, thankfully. He would live.

⤷ But that doesn’t alleviate the guilt as you choke back a sob, pressing a fleeting kiss to his lips before pulling away. The tears from your eyes cascading and rolling onto his cheek, a now painful intimacy. Never agin would you allow yourself to succumb to the clutches of your insecurity. “I love you too. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

[mc-critical]

Hello, I just found your blog and I like it very much, it’s very interesting to read!!!. My question is : what is your opinion on Ahmed and Kosem’s relationship? Do you think he truly loves her? What do you think about him seeing other women? And what do you think about his relationship with these women (Mahfiruz, Katerina, Gulbahar and Yasemin).

Thank you for liking my stuff!

I think that, just like Süleiman, Ahmet loves Kösem in his own way. It's not as toxic or problematic or often questionable writing-wise as Süleiman's love for Hürrem, but it still has both its ups and downs that make it interesting to explore.

Ahmet and Kösem is perhaps the love story where the writers made the most effort to mask the possible worse aspects of. It could even be considered actually romantic at points, with their amazing first scenes in the gardens and the amazing chemistry of Ekin Koç and Anastasia Tsilimpou, the beginning sense of wonder and "mystery" it started out with.... when she first met him, Anastasia didn't know he was the sultan and put all her trust in him - a certainly good first impression. Ahmet himself is also very far from Süleiman's direct endeavors and tests of loyalty, he tries his best to be respectful in his own way, despite that he fails to do that a bunch of times. That's why it's easy to miss the darker aspects of the relationship at first and it could be perceived as probably the only thing in the franchise that is remotely close to a "fairytale" of sorts.

However, when the curtains start to fall slowly, but surely, we come to realize that while, say, Hürrem learns to want what Süleiman wants, to be fully loyal to him and to cave to his demands just like he often caves to her own, Ahmet and Kösem as characters have entirely different values and needs throughout their whole relationship. The fact that Ahmet wanted Anastasia because of a picture, without him having ever met her, is incredibly telling: he has created an ideal of her in his own head from the start and he wants to consistently maintain it. When he's with her, it's as if he's living his own dream, his own perfect world that has place only for him and that young girl. (that's why the garden is so symbolic: Ahmet calls it a place of solitude, only for himself almost immediately after the audience is introduced to it; also that line from him: "The world is on one side, Kösem - on the other." - quoting by memory again, but the meaning is the same) Their world views gained from their past and present environments begin to clash from the moment she finds out he's a Sultan - she wants to desperately go back to her family, both because all of them are still alive and her free spirit that cannot bear to live in this golden cage. Ahmet doesn't let her go also because he lacks the understanding of this desire: he has grown in the strict Ottoman system and having people like Anastasia stay in the harem forever is something he finds perfectly natural; for him it's unthinkable to stand against it. But despite of that "minor offense", Ahmet's idea of Anastasia's "purity" and "perfection" was working for awhile, with her seeming to meet his expectations and slowly warm up to him. But the real truth is way stronger than your own made-up lies. Anastasia's pleas to let her go only get stronger until they reach their climax with her attempt to escape. And you know what? If it weren't for her contrived, yet convenient excuse to come back to him, he would've lost her. Helplessly, in a blink of an eye, he would've lost her, due to what she sees as sheer ignorance from his part. And when she gains her own bit of agency later in the season and becomes Kösem, when she develops and realizes the actual stakes of the game, beginning to play it herself due to survival by default and the will for revenge, Ahmet's "perfect picture" breaks apart and that apparently hurt him so much, he stayed mad at her for quite some time. This wasn't the person he knew and loved anymore, this was an entirely new, reborn woman. He didn't seem to love and respect her for the virtues she actually possessed, but for those that he had imagined her to always have in his head. That is another, more "subtle" level of toxicity than with Hürrem and Süleiman, but it's still toxicity, that's why this relationship is far from healthy and the "beautiful, but quirky" dynamic it sets the impression of.

Kösem's view of Ahmet is very interesting and complex, writing-wise. I actually don't think she grew to love him as much. The place she forcibly got in made her feel very limited by him mostly, since he was the reason she was here in the first place and he was calling the shots in terms of her future (whether she would visit her family or not?). What made her become a bit affectionate wasn't fully him himself, but rather the oh-so-prominent theme of adaption in the harem. She wanted to escape so desperately, but there were so many happenings and situations during the time she was in the harem that just demanded for her to get used to everything. So when Iskender gave her the chance to escape, she as become used to the harem's environment so much, she felt unsure of herself outside of it. Her return was out of necessity rather than love and even her standing up to the people when Ahmet was sick was done out of necessity, too (like I elaborated in another ask about Kösem). I'm not saying that she didn't feel any affection whatsoever, but the affection she felt for him was easy to let go of (E25: "Today I didn't marry only Sultan Ahmet, I married the country!"), because I don't think Ahmet did his best efforts to understand her and I don't think Kösem felt completely comfortable around him, all that contrasted with Kemankeş in S02, who according to her, understands her better than anyone ever could.

Ahmet loves Kösem, because even after his perfect picture with her was broken and his anger and denial and refusal to accept it passed, he did try to make things better. What I loved most about his dynamic with Kösem, is his open honesty with her that continued till the end. There have been scenes where they seemed like true companions, especially their beginning one in E21 with all the kids gathered around them. I loved that despite of his mistakes, he did try to set things right. There was this sudden protectiveness that activated in him when Kösem told him the truth about the death of his father and why she acted the way she did and that could mean she now became something of a "cinnamon roll he just protect" and that is certainly a flawed mindset to have in many aspects, but that showed he could actually care for her beyond his idealistic perspective of her.

Am I okay with Ahmet having other women? Honestly, I'm glad that MCK lowered the concubine arcs to a minimum and with the way they did it, it doesn't offend me as much. I would even love some of them to be more developed for a change, because they did turn out to be solely drama tools, thanks to their lesser episodes and MCK's different themes as a whole, that basically did their purpose and left, instead of stretch out and outstay their welcome and that is just the other extreme in a bad disguise.

I won't talk about the relationship he had with his other women as much, because they just aren't fleshed out. I would've liked to see more of Ahmet and Mahfiruze: I believe he was way more decent with her than say, Süleiman was with Mahidevran, and their scenes weren't half bad. Too bad that would've demanded Mahfiruze herself to be fleshed out more as a character and the writers to give her more of a place in the narrative. Katerina was present only for an episode (or was it two episodes?) and we don't have as much conclusions to drive here. We only have his mild infatuation with her and... that's it? We have no idea what Katerina actually felt or how their dynamic would play out in the long run. We can only speculate. Gülbahar, by contrast, also had the least screentime of all his women who have comparatively minimal screentime, but her exploration in S02 helps us gain a better idea of how it went between them. I have the impression that she was the least favourite concubine of Ahmet's, ever. She did succeed to get pregnant and have a child, but it probably was a one and done thing and she didn't seem to get any other grasp of manly affection since then. Which is why, along with them taking away Bayezid from her by exiling her, she was so focused on scheming for one particular goal and this became what defined her. But then again, that is still a speculation in my part. Now, with Yasemin we have much more on-screen chemistry and interaction: that relationship felt very similar with what Süleiman thought of Firuze - infatuation, massive infatuation, but still not love, because just like Firuze, Yasemin also gave him poison and we don't know how much the poison affected his psyche, along with the sickness it brought upon him. These relationships have the opposite problem MC's concubine arcs had: these women were all unfavored or favored very temporarily in the span of an episode or two, which made them very stale and lacking in material.

Lastly, while MCK in its entirety, isn't very big on love stories, Kösem and Ahmet's relationship still had an evolution throughout S01, even if that evolution was more "condensed" than the others similar to it. It still remains the most fleshed out love story in the show, along with Kösem and Kemankeş's, and it was a very important part of the story that helped shape much of the narrative that succeeds it.

[murdereraisuha]

screaming about chapter 5 but more coherently this time

This is gonna cover 1. the recent update’s events in comparison to my previous theories & expectations, 2. the winner of the VDC and Vil’s character development 3. Kalim & Jamil’s character development, and 4. the main story moving forward

Spoilers for everything up to 5-67. Word count: 2117

So, in my “Jamil is Snow White” theory post, I used the events of the original Snow White to try and guess how TWST chapter 5 would correlate to it and what characters would fill what roles (Snow White, huntsman, prince, etc.) in the story.

Originally, I kind of assumed the beginning of chapter 5 would line up to either the beginning of the movie or halfway through when the Queen is already hatching her plan to get Snow White with the poison apple. However, it seems like the movie events have actually been compacted into 5-57 to 5-67.

After the NRC rehearsal, Vil becomes the most beautiful, corresponding to the beginning of the movie when the Queen is still the most beautiful. Then, Neige, out of his natural cuteness rather than hard work and practice like Vil, usurps him, representing the point Snow White becomes the fairest in the land. The next part with the apple juice and Rook coming to the rescue is a mix of the next part of the movie, when the huntsman tells Snow White to run, and the part of the movie with the poison apple. Then, the MC and the rest of the dance team kind of act like the dwarves by fighting the Queen/Vil. However, other than that, everyone follows their corresponding role: Neige is Snow White and Rook is the huntsman.

I think the story as it has played out makes sense. I was initially startled by Vil suddenly going murder mode, but. To work so hard on this song and choreography and training up your team, only to have the media love your lifetime rival who’s only brought an arrange of a kid’s song with clumsy singing and dancing to the table, potentially crushing your plan for victory here... I understand Vil’s feelings here and the sudden, desperate decision to curse Neige.

Rook’s actions after that don’t seem too out of line with what we know about his personality and his unconventional beliefs/actions regarding beauty and Vil’s beauty. Seriously though, wtf please don’t just drink poison. Anyway, I really enjoyed Kalim coming in then. The way he noticed Vil’s face being like Jamil’s before his overblot? The part when he tried to remind Vil that no one drank the juice so Vil hasn’t hurt anyone yet? Good stuff right there.

However, the way things played out also disappointed me somewhat. Though we had a Kalim & Jamil interaction, we still haven’t had a good resolution to their character/relationship development, so hopefully that’s in the final part of chapter 5. Furthermore, though Kalim did slap the apple juice away, I really felt like he and Jamil would have had more involvement with poison/curses in this part considering all the stuff in this chapter about Kalim being poisoned in the past.

There’s also the fact that all Jamil did was evacuate the area, it was Kalim and Rook who were around when Vil overblotted. The pattern of the previous overblot causing the next has kind of been broken. It could mean that the pattern was actually the dorm leader causes the next overblot?? Anyway, I’m hoping that Jamil will have his time in the spotlight in the next part.

-----

So that kind of brings me to the future. First off, who will win the VDC? Personally, I think that it will be NRC. With everyone so enthusiastically proclaiming in 5-67 that they’re going to win the championship, it would feel off for them to fail. From things that Vil has said this chapter, like in 5-37 when he admonishes Deuce that effort isn’t enough to succeed, it seems like the bad route/worst case scenario of Vil’s outlook is to lose hope that his efforts will ever give him success or a happy end. Therefore, the good route would be for him to keep hope, to keep the belief that he can get his happy end, and I think winning the VDC would be the thing that would support this belief. I do not think he would learn much from losing; if he has already lost and got relegated to the role of villain so many times before, one more time would not mean much to him. 

Other people have said that Vil also needs to learn to chill and stop holding people to such high standards, which is something I agree with. Though Epel’s beliefs on masculinity and power were pretty harmful, Vil’s methods of trying to correct those beliefs were also harmful. Vil’s treatment of Epel at the end of Epel’s ceremony robes story seriously left a bad taste in my mouth. The thing is, something or someone would need to prompt a change in Vil’s beliefs for a change to occur. After Deuce and Epel’s  outing, they seem to be pretty chill with Vil, so there aren’t any conflicts in the group. I can’t think of anyone in the team other than Kalim and maybe Ace who would have a strong enough opinion on not pushing yourself too hard that they would try and give that opinion to Vil, and Kalim’s already had a big interaction with Vil in 5-62.

So, I feel like any further Vil character development this chapter would come from an interaction with Neige. Going back to the debate of who will win VDC, we know that Vil resents Neige for always being the hero. If Neige won yet again, would Vil take what he says to heart? However, if Vil won, that would be a new situation. I think that the first things he hears from a Neige that has finally lost would be impactful to him.

I’m not sure though of all this though because of this line in 5-66:

Vil’s saying that throwing a tantrum and taking it out on other people was awful of him. Though it obviously refers to his attempts to murder before and during his overblot, it could also point to an overall shift in mindset regarding how he treats others. His attempts to mold Epel into a poison apple, for example, stemmed from his own ambitions and frustration at Neige, which you could interpret as a sort of tantrum that he then took out on Epel. Vil may have already learned to relax on pushing his high standards on others.

Regardless of if that’s true or not, I personally think that Vil and Neige still have a lot that they could learn from each other, assuming my perception of Neige as being innocent rather than a white lotus is correct. Vil’s team’s performance had a lot of cohesion and rehearsal put into it, but it was very competitive focused. On the other hand, Neige and the dwarves obviously had a lot of fun with their performance. However, it was clumsy and they were ill prepared. Therefore, Vil could teach Neige more discipline and planning while Neige could teach Vil about how to not lose sight of finding joy in your work.

-----

As I have already said, I’m hoping for more Kalim & Jamil stuff in the final part of chapter 5. I originally theorized that something would happen to one of them, probably Kalim, and that would lead to some sort of reveal about their feelings and the chapter would end with them clearly on the trajectory to repair their relationship and really become friends. 

Since nothing happened yet and neither got poisoned/cursed, I think then that the event that sparks the finale of their character development would probably relate directly to the VDC. First off for our possibilities, we have the two’s families watching as Jamil takes the spotlight as a main vocal while Kalim is in the back. Given what we know, I don’t think Kalim’s family would be too happy about that. The conflict from that definitely seems like it could result not only in some sort of understanding between Kalim and Jamil, but also maybe even a change in Jamil or his family’s status. For a less dramatic possibility, we also know from 5-47 that Jamil’s sister will be coming to watch. If she makes an appearance, perhaps she will have some unexpected insight to say that would lead to a discussion & development between Jamil and Kalim.

Finally, my Jamil becomes the most beautiful theory might still be partially true, though idk if that’s just me not wanting to give up on it cause of how funny it would be. Basically, the theory was that, after the VDC performances, the internet/media become super interested in Jamil due to how talented and handsome he is. I originally thought that could serve as a factor for Vil overblot, but now I think it could prompt some discussion & development between Jamil and Kalim due to it serving as a clear example of Jamil finally showing his true ability and by how much Jamil was letting Kalim win. Furthermore, Vil might be affected by an event like that. Though the overblot’s already happened, perhaps something happening with Jamil specifically would lead to something happening between him and Vil, fulfilling the pattern of the previous overblot doing stuff with the next. I’m out of ideas for the Scarabia boys, so let’s continue.

-----

Honestly, I don’t think anything will happen with Idia and Ortho outside of a quick teaser at the very end of the chapter. Considering that we still have to cover all the stuff with the VDC performance and its results and the aftermath of the results, Idia’s presentation thingy might not even happen until chapter 6.  ?

Idk, rn I’m more concerned about the overarching plot with Mickey Mouse than I am about chapter 6 Ignihyde shenanigans. So, we had a little flash of the Queen/Hag during the day, and also we finally discovered that Malleus is Malleus. So things are picking up a bit. I’m not sure if something unexpectedly big this chapter will happen though. I’ve seen people saying that the boss was surprisingly easy so there might be another big battle coming up. I don’t actually play the game so I don’t know anything about that, is it intentional or is it just that the chapter took so long to update that y’all had tons of time to beef up your boys? For me, it did feel like the Vil overblot was the climax of the chapter. With all the other stuff like the VDC results and the Scarabia boys’ character development, I don’t know if there’s any more room. There could be some big new info with Mickey Mouse or Grim’s bad eating habit, but I can’t picture something happening that would warrant another boss battle.

I do have some thoughts on Mickey Mouse, but I think I’ll save my memey ones for another post and wait for the end of chapter 5 before getting my serious thoughts together. Anyway, now a little talk on chapter 6. So, we have 4 options: chapter 6 will be something regarding Idia’s presentation, something regarding Deuce borrowing the magical wheel, something combining those two plot points, or something else entirely. 

Well, for something combining those two, Riddle was the one wanting Idia to go do the presentation in person, right? So, Idia probably doesn’t like Riddle that much. Maybe he wants to make some sort of plan to get back at Riddle. What can he use? 

Uh I just looked back at 5-39 to figure out what exactly is up and one translation says Deuce forcefully borrowed the magical wheel and another says he borrowed it as a huge favor??? The original says 無理言って借りてきた, deepL translates it as forcibly borrowed, 無理を言って means asking for something unreasonable. What exactly are the circumstances here?

Okay whatever, look, Deuce is in some sort of debt to Ignihyde. Idia could use him since he and Riddle are in the same dorm. Idk my train of thought got wrecked by the translation confusion.

But anyway so we know Deuce is probably gonna be Meg. I’ve never watched Hercules and I don’t know anything about it aside from what I’ve just read on wikipedia. The summary there says that Hercules kills a bunch of monsters and becomes famous then Hades holds Meg hostage in exchange for Hercule’s powers and Hercules accepts the trade but then “Hades reveals that Meg was working for Hades all along” ??? And then in the end though “ Hercules chooses to remain on Earth with Meg”. So what happens, is Meg good or what? Alright it might be better to at least wait for whatever sneak peek of chapter 6 we get at the end of chapter 5 before speculating. Let’s end this here before it gets any longer.

[mellow-em]

Bedlam (Sam Drake)

PROLOGUE: ALL GONE 

The life she had built in only a year had disintegrated, and she was set on her stubborn mindset of finding her purpose away from Jackson. 

I DO NOT OWN ANY TLOU OR UNCHARTED CHARACTERS! ALL RIGHTS GO TO NAUGHTY DOG!

(This is a tlou x uncharted crossover. It’s set in tlou universe, but its a fic between an oc of mine, and Sam! I’m not sure how this is gonna turn out so please bear with me)

Chapter 1

_________________________________

Jackson, Wyoming

______________________

His face was illegible beyond compare, signifying my speculations were true. My recollection of the previous year had felt feverish now, as if I couldn’t graze my fingers on the memories we held between each of us.

“You’re fucking lying.”

Denial.

He lowers his head, only showing the textured black hair, that glistened with flecks of grey and white. His shameful stature made my fists clench beside me. If I didn’t know any better, I would collide them with his face; a face that held floods of imperfections already.

The pitiful man that stood before me couldn’t even relay a word out into the open. He remained mute, and shook his head at the ground.

I hadn’t realised my breath was held at my throat, creating a hoarse sensation that began choking me. I was drowning in the searing atmosphere around the both of us, as it was anything but tranquil.

Regardless of my state of pure vexation though, I took it upon myself to suck in a breath of dry air, only to release it in a huff. I mirror his actions as well, bowing my head to take in the details of my shoes.

We had found these a few months back, along with some for Ellie. Her harsh aura had been flipped as soon as I presented her with the idea that we would have matching pairs of sneakers. It was the smallest of gestures, but it was done at a time of hope.

This version of hope so happened to be revived ten times greater than before, when we finally reached our goal given to us a year prior. But now, I finally realize that it was false hope.

With my reclaimed memories flooding back, a final statement replayed in my mind: If the fate of Ellie and I had looked like this before, I would have turned my back on the journey immediately.

“After everything we’ve done,” I felt the salt-tasting droplets of tears fall from my eyes, and down my reddened cheeks as I looked up at the selfish bastard I thought I knew, “after everything Ellie’s gone through, she-” I quickly lowered my head again, suffocating from my own words.

I sat myself down on the steps of his home. It had become habitual for me to reside at his place ever since we made it back to Jackson. Sitting on his porch, with a plate of food in our laps as we talked endlessly began to give me a form of peace after our horrific adventures across the country.

Now, it felt like I was stuck in a sustained deception of what I thought was a simmering hush from reality.  

With my head in my hands I let out a soft stifle of a cry, as I sat there in complete disbelief.

Then my heartbeat fastened, and my rapid movements from my anxieties stopped as I realised something.

“Ellie doesn’t know… does she?” my voice was delicate, but it still  held every sparing trace of anger sternly.

The silence continued to speak the answers for him, giving my hunch an even bigger victory. I truly didn’t want to believe this.

“Oh my god, oh my fucking god,” I groaned in agony as I stumble off the steps, feeling the sheer pain overwhelming me.

I clutched my chest as I felt it ring itself out, creating a boulder of tension within my entire body. I stood in the middle of his lawn, hyperventilating from the truth bearing its sharp daggers deep into my frame. The world around me was spiraling out of control, causing my balance to falter slightly.

This resulted in him rushing to my aid, but we damn well knew I didn’t want it. As soon as his hand grazed my arm, I swatted it away harshly, and twisted my body to face his worrisome one.

The developing resentment I had for him was far from dwindled, staying true within my eyes as I bored my stare into his. As I looked into his hazel ones, I could see each memory through them; the good and bad.

Floods pricked at my waterline again as I stared him down. Keeping myself contained from lashing out was becoming harder with each passing minute.

That was when one final memory was displayed through his dilated pupils.

The words replayed within my head.

“Swear to the both of us that everything you said about the fireflies is true.”

“I swear.”

Actuality set in again as I felt his hands gently caress my shoulders. The touch created fumes of heat that set themselves off completely, and my exasperation manipulated my system. I hadn’t realized I had my hands clenched in tight fists again until one finally met his face. Maybe I didn’t know any better.

He stumbled back slightly, his hand jerking its way to hold his pained cheek. He now had a wave of anger across his features, with his hardened attitude spiraling as much as mine.

Only my excuse wasn’t as far fetched as his must have been.

I tried to keep a firm stance, even with the overwhelming feeling of unconsciousness threatening the adrenaline and I. 

I still kept my fists clenched at my sides, with my knuckles fading into a white color,“You’re fucking selfish, and I hope you fucking know that.”

He mimicked my demeanor, as he stepped over to me. The closer he got, his frame began to tower over me. Though if his plan was to intimidate, he should know by now that it doesn’t work on me anymore.

“I did what I needed, to save you both.” His venomous, southern tone reverberated down to me, while his words contradicted it.

“Save us? “I laughed sarcastically, with a malicious hue coating me. I began to pace back and forth in front of him as I spoke, “Is that what were calling mass murder of the innocent these days? I suppose that goes for lying and manipulation too?”

“Kate-”

“Joel.”

His name drenched my mouth in poison.

Joel let out a heavy sigh, from what seemed to be frustration, while I wiped my tear-stained face aggressively.

He brings his hand to his face once more, stroking his unkempt beard while looking away. I held my gaze on him however, draining every last second I needed to be around him for.

An uneasy feeling began to settle within the pit of my stomach; I knew exactly what it was about.

I couldn’t bear to stay here any longer. This truth made the relationship I had with him, and life in Jackson unsalvageable. There was something pulling on my arm, however.

It was the thought of abandoning Ellie, knowing damn well I couldn’t do such a thing to her without letting her know. It would haunt me.

But, I wasn’t going to sit here while people were perishing by the second. I wasn't going to pretend life could feel normal again, regardless of my urge to live in such a fantasy. It may be something I wanted, but not something I needed. 

I knew for a fact that Ellie would feel the same if she knew the truth, but for once, I wanted the kid to live in this unrealistic version of tranquility; she needed to try an experience of what her teenage years could be like, even if it’s fucked up to extremes.

It wasn’t long before my contemplative thoughts were put to rest as Joel’s voice rang in my ear. I sigh, transferring my focus onto him. I knew what needed to be done.

“Kate, listen I-”

“Ellie,” I gulp down the saliva building up in my mouth, “I need you to take care of her.”

His face was glistening with confusion now.

“And tell Tommy and Maria I said thank you for letting me stay here.”

“Kate what the hell are you on abo-”

“I’m leaving,” I direct my eyes to the mountains beyond the borders of Jackson, crossing my arms in front of me, “I should be gone long before sunrise, so.”

I glance at Joel without moving my head, and see his face noticeably falling as the words fell from my lips. Silence tore a hole within us for a short time, only for Joel to be the first to speak.

“Do I need to remind you what is out there?”

“If you haven’t figured it out yet, Joel, I can take care of myself just fine.”

I begin to walk past him fixing my attention to gathering my shit, and getting the hell out of here. Though, Joel’s hand firmly grabs at my wrist, halting my attentiveness to the steps of the house ahead of me.

I yank my arm back to its rightful place at my side, shooting him a final look.

“Goodbye, Miller. Don’t come looking for me.”

I then walk myself into the house, deserting the former smuggler out in his front yard.

____________________

The life within the town had lessened to the hidden infestations of crickets that were scattered throughout,  and the sounds of my converse crunching the textured, dirt paths of Jackson.

There was a slight alteration to the electrical systems around here, leaving the barbed wire on one section of the fence to loose its function; along with sneaking past guards, it was the perfect getaway without getting noticed. 

Before even reaching a few yards towards the fence, I remember something.  I still had one last thing I needed to do before returning to the life away from here.

I exhale a large puff of air in frustration, and turn back towards the direction I had come from. I reach into my jacket pocket, just to be sure I had what I needed.

My hands held a letter, along with a worn out, yet surprising functional cassette. As I ventured down the roads, the written prompts from the letter replay.

Ellie,

I wanted to give you a proper goodbye, but it just wasn’t possible.

I’m sure you’ll be wondering where I have run off to, and why I won’t be in bed when you go to rudely wake me up by jumping on me.

I’m leaving Jackson. I have some personal things that have been eating at me, and I need to sort them out myself.  I told Joel to watch over you, and make sure you live as much as possible.

I’m not just talking about breathing. I need you to live your life up in Jackson as much as you can.

You deserve more happiness than anyone on this earth, Els.

And speaking of, I know you loved the song I sang to you at the bonfire the first night we were here. I found this a long time ago even before I met you and Joel. Consider it a very early birthday gift from me.

I love you kiddo.

-Kit

I felt something wet trickling down my face, only for me to abruptly swipe them off my scar-stained complexion.

I soon made it back to square one, making sure I remained quiet so both Ellie and Joel continued to sleep. If it were other situations, I wouldn’t mind too much. But I couldn’t face either of them any longer, as cowardice as it is.

I twist the doorknob to Ellie’s place, begging for it to be unlocked. Luck was my side, with the handle gently twisting with my hand.

With a few swift motions, I sneak myself in, silently closing the door with delicacy so Ellie wouldn’t wake up.

Her room was just coming together from it’s appearance; her worn furniture had been disarray across the wooden floors, along with several new articles of clothing scattered throughout the room. 

My eyes wandered to the posters plastered across the walls, that I assume were freshly hung up. It was beginning to look like the small garage was home to Ellie, making my anxieties for her adjustments here less of an issue than before. 

My attention finally directed itself to her frail stature, cuddled in a bed much larger than her. If it was possible, she could get lost in a bed like that due to her small frame.

She had a quilted blanket lazily draped over her, and a wide range of pillows supporting her head. She had been facing away from me, but I knew she was sleeping with her mouth open, as I could here the loud sounds of her breathing.

I smiled, wishing I was able to stifle a laugh without releasing her from her slumber. She had always been one to leave her mouth hanging open as she slept. The result was constant bantering between me poking fun, and her becoming defensive. 

Our relationship had developed so well over time, and it had begun to feel like she was my daughter. My other half. 

My smile immediately dropped as I dragged myself back into reality, and the reason why I was even here in the first place. I needed to do this, for myself and for her. I shook my head from its thoughts, and started for the direction of Ellie. 

I made sure to walk to her bedside table as quietly as my frantic self could, hoping I didn’t disrupt her sound sleep. With each step closer to her, I held my breath, hesitant to even do this at this point. 

As soon as I make it to her, I took in the features grazed upon her round head; her large cheeks sat with a shade of pink coating them, along with her freckles overriding her paler skin. Her eyes were closed gently, with her brows flatlined.

She was so peaceful when she slept. 

I took out the letter and cassette from my pockets, gracefully placing them both on the table without a trace of a blare. 

I held my fingertips on the letter, as if I were glued to the rustic piece of paper. I was hesitating again, so it was time for a push. 

I released my hand from it, and turned to Ellie. Before I could even think, I leaned towards her, and kissed her temple weakly, and backed away. 

As I had done before I went to the door with as little sound following me as possible, and twisted the knob of the entryway. 

The door was open now, blowing the soft, night winds onto my face as if it were patches of silk. 

As a final goodbye, I mentally threw a farewell into the open, as I gazed at my surrogate daughter one final time. Before I could shed a singular tear, I rushed out of there as fast as I could, releasing the tension-building breath I had forgot to unleash before. 

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled, with my voice becoming fragile as I spoke two final words in Jackson. 

It was time to walk away. 

As I venture back towards the fence as stealthily as I could, another set of Joel’s wise words skipped on a countless loop in my thoughts.

“No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for.”

I needed to search for my own answers, whatever they were.

This was, and still is something to fight for. 

I’m sorry.

[thewriterswitch]

Hi! I'll do your author's ask. How about 44, 45, and 49?

44. Best piece of feedback I’ve ever gotten

From one of my fics

“First, my hat is off to you, good sir/madam or whatever.

I love this story.

It's a very believable result of how Naruto is treated, how he reacts and adjusts, struggling to get any sort of control over his life. Were we to strip away the optimism and the narrative that Kishimoto produced, this would be a nice Evangelion - only with ninjas and less moon-rabbit-goddess-bullshit. I'm fascinated by Naruto's mindset, and his vulnerability makes me want to throw all the hugs his way. He wants to live, and this toxic atmosphere, the village is poisoning him and he wants to get away. Sub-text wise, there's desperation that makes my heart clench trying to imagine what it's like in his skin.

This is a great story, so please take your time in producing it. Don't force yourself should life intervene, a well-crafted story requires significant investment, and you needn't sacrifice health to do it.”

45. Worst piece of feedback I’ve ever gotten

Well, I delete all the negative feedback I get. But I can summarize one that I remember

Someone once decided to tell me how they won’t put up with flowery description. I was experimenting with flowery description at the time, and this person was not having it. They kinda went into a rant, but I can’t remember much of what they said.

49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end?

The middle. Definitely the middle.

Beginnings, for me, make or break a story. I learn the tone of a story through the beginning. I also learn what changes I might make to a character in fanfiction. I also learn about my OC’s for the first time. I don’t have to figure out any plot points. And if you need to know anything about me, it’s that I’m terrible at plot. Characterizarion is where I thrive, and beginnings are ALL about getting to know a character. So while beginnings aren’t always easy, they’re not always hard, either.

The middle is all about the plot. Shit starts happening in the middle. Characters get thrown around. Some die, some live. Limbs might be lost. Emotions spiral out of control. Characters spiral out of control. There are events that are devastating and wonderful. So the middle is where all the action is. This is where relationships are formed. This is where things get complicated. This is where the story gets hard.

Endings however, are a nice wrap up of the story. You capture all the unfinished plotpoints and you wrap ‘em up in just a chapter or three. You get to see either the fall of your character, or the happiness of your character. And by the time I get to the end, I’m done with plot. I’ve learned so much about my character. So it’s definitely not what I consider to be the hardest part about writing

[mittensmorgul]

14.18 and 14.19 both will require additional viewings to fully understand the gravity of everything revealed, and context I think we’re only fully going to get in s15. Even now, after having seen 14.20, I have more questions than answers, I think. A big part of the reason for this is how much of the story focuses on how POV affects perception, and how easy it can be to manipulate actions based on that, combined with the effect of the weight of one’s own emotions on both perception and vulnerability to manipulation.

The story is screwing with everyone-- the characters AND us-- on a very meta level here.

Going through 14.18, from Cas’s grief and self-blame over not having told Sam, Dean, and Mary what he suspected about Jack being dangerous, to Dean’s transfer of blame to him because of the emotional weight conversation with Sam, because it calls back to Dean’s ENTIRE relationship with Jack, how his first reaction was “DIE” and that only gradually shifted into grudging acceptance through his grief and despair over losing Cas, into actual acceptance after Cas returned, into sympathy after Jack’s first mistake that led to the death of an innocent, into full familial acceptance by the time Dean says yes to Michael. In s14, Dean FINALLY feels a more parental sort of bonding with Jack, and as soon as he does, Jack sickens and dies. It’s almost like Dean has been manipulated into being prepared to make this ultimate sacrifice all along.

Their whole family is cursed. He’s poison, etc. etc.

This same perspective shift happens for Jack, being “guided” into believing that HE is somehow “poisoned” as well, that because of his actions the Winchesters will no longer trust him, but his vision of Lucifer convinces him that because of this, he can no longer trust them. Jack is so desperate to redeem himself in the eyes of the Winchesters that he’s convinced himself that what he’s doing is good.

How many layers of manipulation are going on here? The narrative spirals are turning so fast we’ve practically reached F5 tornado status here.

Dumah, in 14.19, finally has what she’s wanted since Jack was born. Apparently having locked Naomi away for having “failed” to defend Heaven from the incursion of the Empty Entity was nothing more than a pretense to use Jack for her own power play. Dumah truly believes she’s doing the right thing, because in times past, this perfectly lines up with what Heaven always did. Her version of a Heaven without mercy harks back to the mindset of angels during the Apocalypse era, of Michael and his mission to destroy worlds.

Jack TRULY BELIEVES that “purifying the world” and “making angels” out of human souls would please the Winchesters. The fact that he still willingly got in the Ma’lak box is the biggest demonstration of just how easily manipulated he is.

The way Dean’s been broken down to be prepared to believe that they have no other choice but to kill Jack, to sacrifice himself in the process, applies to everyone. It’s always been a manipulation, in the biggest way possible.

So that said, on to my questions:

1. Is Jack’s vision of Lucifer actually Chuck manipulating him, because heck that would be a nice turn from Lucifer pretending to be God to manipulate Sam back in s11. In the end, does it even really matter what the source of Jack’s visions are?

2. Did Jack actually cause Mary’s death, or did this force manipulate him into the power burst that killed her? Does that even really matter? Because it’s not about the act, but the perception of it. Because the perception of it is all that mattered to Jack, in the end. He rejected Mary’s perception of him as “not well.” He’s sadly following Donatello’s advice, with the “What Would The Winchesters Do.” But Jack’s own perception of what they would do is fundamentally flawed without his soul. Donatello replaced his missing empathy with the consideration of possibly the most morally kind man ever to live, a man who based all his choices and actions on how they might affect others. Kindness was Mr. Rogers’ mantra. Jack lacks the maturity to understand this, and instead has based his own actions on the results of his actions, and whether or not the Winchesters would approve, which is a distinctly different thing, and Jack lacks the mechanism to understand this. This is what makes him so terrifyingly dangerous now.

3. Everything that’s happened in s14 has brought TFW to this point where Chuck thought they would feel backed into this corner, where in the past they would be ready to accept Chuck’s terms for the conclusion of the story, the self-sacrifice, the terrible fate, as the absolute last resort solution to save the world. And at first it seems to work. At the beginning of 14.20, Dean seems ready to do the deed, because his perception isn’t just about Jack’s danger to the world, but also the fact that he feels at least indirectly responsible for what’s happened to Jack now.

Chuck’s first line when he finds Cas is, “Wow, you guys are screwed.” *smarmy smile* Cas calls him God, he objects, and is pleased when Cas calls him Chuck, because “Chuck” is a likable, personable dude, and God is a terrifying all powerful being. Perception, and manipulation.

DEAN: You know what I'm gonna say. SAM: Let me guess. This is where you tell me you're gonna pull the trigger. DEAN: Yeah, it is. We don't have a choice, Sam. SAM: Of course, we do. Don't we always? I mean, isn't that the point of everything we've ever done, that we always have a choice? DEAN: He killed our mom. SAM: I get it. I was mad, too. Or you know what? Hell, I'm still mad. And a part of me wants Jack dead -- it really does. But, Dean, we haven't even tried to save him. DEAN: S-- Okay. You heard him, right? He actually blamed Mom for what happened. SAM: He doesn't have a soul. DEAN: And whose fault is that? SAM: Mine. I'm the one who brought him back, and I brought him back because he's family. DEAN: Okay. SAM: And then he came back, and he burned his soul off to save us -- you and me. And now what? You... Now you -- you want my permission? You want me to say I'm cool with losing him and losing you all at once? 'Cause I can't do that. I won't say that, 'cause I... No. I've already lost too much.

It’s interesting that Jack’s visit with his grandmother is what begins to shift his perceptions of himself into understanding. She goes from demanding answers about “What did you do,” into “What are you?”

So I talked above how Dean and Jack’s stories are entwined, but this is where Cas and Jack’s stories are entwined-- through Jack’s desire to do good, to do the right thing and yet always somehow making things worse despite their best intentions. Mostly because they tried to do the right thing by their own POV and perception, without understanding how they were manipulated into it. Like Cas in s6 manipulated by Crowley, by Dean’s promise to Sam to go live a normal life away from hunting, feeling the burden to fix everything on his own and unable to see any other way because of the depth of lies being uncovered would lead to the disappointment that was what he truly feared all along.

Which is why at the final moment, what finally gives Dean pause in his conviction that Jack needs to die, is Jack’s understanding and acceptance, his willingness to face what he’d done and truly repent:

JACK: You're not gonna lock me up again, are you? DEAN: No. (Dean raises the gun, aims at Jack and exhales deeply. Jack kneels down and bows his head. Dean, looking puzzled, lowers the gun and walks closer towards Jack. When he’s right in front of Jack, he aims the gun directly at his head. At this moment Sam comes speeding into the cemetery, car tires screeching. He gets out of the car and starts running towards Dean and Jack) SAM: Dean? Dean! JACK:(to Dean) I understand. SAM: Dean, don't! Dean? Dean! JACK: I know what I've done. [...] JACK: And you were right all along. I am a monster.

And in the end, the fact that Jack understands is what makes Dean realize that there is still another way.

Because in this part of the story, this is where Sam’s parallel isn’t aligned to Jack’s, but to Chuck. Sam picks up the Equalizer gun and shoots both Chuck and himself with it.

Writers lie.

And this lie is Chuck’s downfall. Because he was never on their side.

All that talk of stopping an apocalyptic thing by killing Jack? And then he starts an apocalypse with a snap of his fingers? Yeah. But he’s shown his hand now, and this changes everything.

And can y’all even conceptualize how O_O it is to loop from that scene in the graveyard to Mary tucking in baby Sam in in the pilot episode? Because I am now suffering. Chuck did this. He did all of this.

[snakeandravenreviews-blog]

Fangirl Review - **4.8/5 stars**

I was so late to the game reading this book. It’s been out for awhile and I’ve always been wanting to pick it up because I loved Eleanor & Park by Rowell, but I just never did. I am so mad at myself for waiting so long but so glad I finally read it. Fangirl was one of the most relatable reads of the year for me for a lot of reasons, and once I got into a groove for reading I could not put it down. The growths for the characters both individually and within their relationships was really refreshing. This review will contain spoilers. There weren’t any huge topics addressed in the book, but there were still some heavier aspects within it so a quick TW for: anxiety, mental breakdown, slight ableism (very minor; only in one part), and alcohol poisoning.

OKAY. SO. This book was amazing. Reading this reminded me of why I loved Rainbow Rowell’s writing so much. She is relatable without going overboard and trying too hard, and I love how her characters sort of melt into you and become you as you’re reading. My favorite aspect of the book (and character) was Cath’s growth and development throughout the story. I don’t think I’ve ever read a YA fiction like this where the MC has such a developed arc from beginning to end. She has social anxiety as well as separation issues when it comes to her twin sister Wren (and also because of her mom leaving), and all of it was so relatable and very tangible in a way lots of YA characters aren’t.

I will try and have each character bolded when talking about them individually, and I will only talk about the individual relationships with Cath under Cath; every other character will just be one section.

Cath. Cath starts off so out of her element when she starts college. She has a lot of anxiety and repressed feelings and emotions that aren’t really respected the way they should be by her twin, Wren. I felt so bad for Cath in the beginning because she was really co-dependent on her sister, the way a lot of twins are I’m sure, and her sister wanted independence (rightfully so) but was really insensitive about it. Despite all that, Cath had one of the best growths of all the characters in the book. She started the book introverted because of her insecurities and overwhelming social anxiety and she ended the book having shed a little bit of that insecure mindset and grew a lot more confident in herself and her ability to exist around other people. She also, in my opinion, grew to be independent from Wren (even if it was because she was forced to) in a natural way. And she really needed it. She grew into her independence in a beautiful way that was aided by her own, individual growth and by the end whenever Wren was wanting to room with her, Cath had grown to not need her there the way she used to. Cath also grew so much with Levi and Reagan (obviously in different ways), and that was really nice to see. I think Reagan helped get her out of her shell a bit, and Levi was just so lovely I knew from the beginning he and Cath would be amazing. I did think that the “relationship” between Cath and Abel that was going on in the beginning was a little ??? Like, I felt like it could have been done differently or not been mentioned how it was at all. It felt out of place a bit although it did spark the Emergency Dance Party.

Cath and Wren. Even though they’re twins, they’re so different and as they go into their first year of college it really becomes evident. I think Wren started to go overboard with her freedom and independence and took Cath for granted. It hurt to find out Cath was only C in Wren’s phone, and I think Wren just wanted to be her own person but went too hard to fast and shot her relationship with her sister into the dirt for a bit. I will say one of the more frustrating parts of this book was the fact that Wren and Cath’s relationship got kind of a lackluster reconciliation. I felt like Wren was really shitty to Cath and insensitive to her feelings, and then Cath was very...overly forgiving? In a way. I know that they’re sisters, and that Cath wasn’t perfect either, but I wish that Cath had maybe brought up more of her feelings and addressed the things that Wren had done. Because they were really crappy, especially for a sister. To feel replaced by your sister’s roommate and like your sister is making fun of you all the time really hurts, and I don’t think Wren fully acknowledged how shitty she was. Especially how Wren handled her mom and kind of left Cath out of everything was just sad in my opinion. In the end, though, their bond was so strong and awesome and I loved reading a dynamic like that. The ending was awesome after they had reconciled and were “fangirling” over Simon Snow together; it was awesome to see that bond.

Cath and Reagan. Reagan was a lot harder than Cath and much more rough around the edges. At first, she was very standoffish. Reagan seemed kind of ideal for Cath because she left her alone and wasn’t overbearing, but as the book went on Reagan really helped bring Cath out of her shell. Cath understood Reagan and how she was the way she was and they worked well together. It was a little frustrating with Reagan’s “ground rules” because while she said she was “okay/over” Levi and Cath being together, the ground rules told a different story. I get not wanting to see PDA and really be in the middle of the drama or issues within a relationship between your roommate and ex-boyfriend who’s not your best friend, but I think Reagan still had issues with Levi with anyone that wasn’t her. In any capacity. And that’s something she needed to kind of deal with and get over especially because she was with a lot of guys (nothing bad about that) that weren’t Levi. 

Cath and Levi. This relationship was so cute and so lovely. After Levi got over himself and just went for it and told Cath he really liked her and messed up by kissing someone else, he was the boyfriend we all want. I think Cath needed someone like him because he was able to also bring her out of her shell while also allowing her to still be herself. I also liked how Rowell had Cath saying “I don’t know if Levi and I will get married” and having subtle comments that showed that Cath wasn’t attaching herself to Levi in a way that took away from herself; she still held onto the independence she gained from being separated from Wren. That was refreshing especially in a YA novel with a younger MC. I also thought how they handled their relationship struggles was healthy and also showed premature growth for their relationship once the book ended.

Cath and her Dad. Their relationship was so special and tender it made my heart ache. I have a similar relationship with my dad in terms of closeness, and how caring and attentive she was with him. That was really awesome to see the interactiveness of the parent in a YA novel and his own growth as well.

Cath and Nick. He was such a dick and from the beginning it was off with him. He used her and I LOVED how she handled him in the end; he really got what he deserved for how he acted with the story. I loved that and was whooping the entire time. 

Wren. She bothered me the entire book. She was insensitive, rude, callous and kind of a bitch. I hated when she acted like Cath and her Dad were “choosing” to be “sick” (aka - have a mental illness) as if it was a choice, and I really wish she would have had a bigger moment during the reconciliation with Cath on that point. Because that was so shitty and ignorant. I understood her need and want for independence and to branch out and be her own person because of how attached she was to Cath in more ways than one, but I felt like she was so desperate for it she set up her own failure. She drank herself to death almost and still couldn’t admit that she had; she had so much more growth that could have occurred but the novel also left room for that. She grew well enough within the novel and you had that sense of inferred continuation of that development after the story ended for the reader. She was always the more outgoing of her and Cath, but I think she kind of took so much advantage of her freedom and just went wild. It was nice at the end to see her kind of annoyed with Courtney because she wasn’t a great friend at all. 

Levi. He was so sweet and sincere, I loved him so much. He was always so happy and kind, but it wasn’t an annoying amount, for me. You could feel how good Cath felt around him and that made his excitement and happiness be so amazing and genuine that you just knew that’s how he was. I did love, though, when Cath told him that when he smiles at everyone so big and bright she doesn’t know if he’s looking at her differently or seeing her differently. That was a really powerful moment, to me, in their relationship. Because she appreciates and loves Levi’s kindness and happiness but she also needs to feel special to him apart from everyone else. He was just one of the most genuine characters I’ve ever read and so mature as well for his age. Need me a man like that.

Honestly all in all it was an amazing read. I was so pleased and engaged with the story the entire time. Rainbow Rowell is so talented and I can’t wait to tackle Carry On, the companion novel to this book, now that I have read this one. I wish I could have more of Levi and Cath because they were just so sweet and warmed my heart. This book was amazing though in all seriousness with how the relationships grew and evolved as well as the individual characters. Highly recommend. 

[ships-sailing-in-the-night]

@lucks-eterna let me just tell you how HAPPY ECSTATIC I was while reading all of your comments on Infernal. It warms my heart that you enjoyed the story as much as I did writing it. I’ve never laughed so hard while reading fic comments before! I will go ahead and add my comments to your comments here so it's easier.

“I love that everything is just out in the open, no one’s like ‘no one can know my secret’ they’re all like ‘sup i’m a demon” - I was watching LOTR before I started writing this and I loved the idea of Drawfs, Elves, Hobbits, and Man all living together in one world, and everyone knowing about the other “species.” It definitely creates an interesting world and allows me to have more freedom in the characters relationships and interactions.

“Elena already reminds me of Marcie Millar from Hush Hush, was she the inspiration or were you going for generic high school mean girl? Ohh I would love to take a history of celestial beings class that would be way more fun than stats.” - Sort of Marcie Millar but really just your typical mean girl who thinks she's so much better. Also if I were to write a sequel, I wanted more characters to play around with as I knew some wouldn’t make it to the sequel. Also, me too, I’d totally take a class on Celestial Beings.

“Ahh yes, the old falling into the arms of the person you like trope. Truly a classic. Oh no, good things never happen in the wood. Unless they’re gonna make out cuz then I approve. Like I said, nothing good happens in the woods. *heavy breathing* he’s in her bedroom! Shiiiiiiiiiiiip you’re killing me.” - Yes, falling into your future lover's arms is a trope but it was also a way I could get both Marcus and Lucifer into the picture. Woods can be dangerous, but yes its good for make-outs lol. The last part had me cracking up 😂

“Also, mad props to you for making a side story to tie into the main one. It reminds me of the Chauncey side story in Hush Hush.” - Thank you, I wanted to not make our “bad-guy...or is he...” have his own story and then later on tie-in. Also, it gave me a chance to keep the story going and not be over so quick. (Both in the timeline and physical length)

“I just want to be friends with all of the gang and go to parties with them.” - Bruh, like me too. I was so jealous when I was writing the Chloe and her gang scenes 😂

“Mmmm yeah, he’s in her bedroom again, that’s more like it. AND HE’S SHIRTLESS!!! Ohhh living by herself? I like it. Oh no, I like it less now that something nefarious is behind it. yikes.“ - Yeaaap, just a bit more teasing cuz you love me for it. And when does something like that ever happen by chance?

“Now what’s an archangel doing on a plane when she could just use her wings? I love John Decker. I wish we could see more of him in the show. I’m excited to see more of Remi, I bet her backstory is super interesting.” - Planes are more interesting and it gave her an opportunity. 😂 Also, I wanted to give John more of a story except for what we know in the show. It’s obvious through Chloe he was a loving, caring and hardworking father/husband. It’s a shame we don’t get to see more of him and Chloe when they were younger. Also, Remi is one of my favorite characters to write!

“Ahhhhh ship, you have no idea how much I love it when my otps wash and dry dishes together. It’s one of my favorite things. I’m so glad it’s in this fic. Ahhh I love it.“ - Lol I had no idea, but good to know 😂

“Ohhhhh the two stories are coming togeeeeeetheeeeeeeer. Nooooooo, Lucifer save her, noooooo Maze, you gotta live. Nooooooooooooo. It’s getting dramatic now, wooo boy.” - It was time to heat things up.

“Marcus you bastard.“ - Need I say more?

“‘devils and demons don’t knock. Not in their nature’ dayyyyummmm“ - It’s very true.

“OH MY DAD SHE’S IN HIS BED HNNNNNGGGG. Aww I’ve always loved the head canon that Luci has hell hounds that he’s super soft with. So no wing porn then?“ - That got a good laugh out of me. I love hell hounds so yeah, can’t have the devil without his trusty pet! No Wing Porn..or at least not in this fic.

“… by a more colorful moniker, Samael” did you steal that phrasing from once upon a time 2x05 when Hook introduces himself.” -......maybe 😂, only anyone who watched OUAT would see it though or get the reference. It sounded cool ok!

“I would love if we at least got a hint in the show that Cerberus or hellhounds in general are a thing.” - SAME!

“No no no no. John Decker can’t be dead in this fic. You didn’t. Dammit, ship, you did. AND NOW LUCIFER IS POISONED AND STABBED!?!??!!? Oh, come on! Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. I’ve hit my head on a brick wall while sledding and it is painful af. Ship, why you gotta be so mean to all my fave characters this chapter? Huh? You gonna explain yourself buddy?” - Yeah, I killed him off. Ooops. *sigh* it had to be done though in case for any future written content. Yeah, just a knife wound wasn’t going to cut it because I already have a mindset of where a potential sequel would begin and how everyone fairs in their health. I’m sorry! 😫

“Whaaaaaa ok no. You’re not gonna end it there? For real? Where is the sequel? You can’t leave me hanging shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!!!! In all seriousness though, great fic. You did a really good job weaving together the two stories and your characterization was spot on for such an AU fic.“ - Perhaps during a break, if I have free time and I am in the mood, I’ll jot some ideas down. However, for now, a sequel won’t be coming anytime soon i’m afraid. I’m very pleased to hear that my versions of Lucifer, Chloe and the gang seemed legit. Thanks for reading and yes I looooooved your stream of consciousness! 

Love ya 💕

[acrosstheskyandstars]

Confessions of a Curious Bookseller by Elizabeth Green

This book has so many problems, and so few things it did right. First off, I did not like this book. It reminded me way too much of Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine which I also did not like. Check out my review of that to see the issues I pointed out there. The main character Fawn is similar to Eleanor in every bad way possible. As I pointed out in my other review, the character of Fawn is seemingly written to either be autistic or mentally ill, but at the same time this is never acknowledged. Her behavior is rude, out of line, dangerous, neglectful, and often unhinged. And yet this never comes up! Fawn mistreats others constantly, and yet she never faces any consequences for her rude behavior. Even her lack of relationships with others comes across as being more that she doesn’t value the potential for these relationships, rather than that others are punishing her for her poor behavior. In the beginning of the novel, she berates a poor man that she went on a date with because he spilled soup on himself. Meanwhile, she lives in a building that is literally rotting around her, which she doesn’t (or can’t?) do anything about.

Next up, let’s tackle my issues with the lesson the reader takes away from this book. In the last 5% of the book or so, Fawn has a revelation that suddenly her abusive childhood wasn’t that bad. She should really just forgive her neglectful and cruel father actually because he really wanted the best for her and just move on with her life. This is such a toxic, horrible mindset for anyone to keep perpetuating. Additionally, it’s boring. This is no revelation. Everyone who acknowledges their abusive childhood (as Fawn does) has been told a million times that they should move past it, it wasn’t that bad, your parents were really doing it because they love you, etc. At best, this message is boring, at worst it is directly harmful to those who have experienced abuse (particularly at the hands of their parents).

Now let’s talk about the fact that death seems to be used in lieu of plot. First poor Butterscotch the cat dies. Then Fawn’s father dies. Lastly, Fawn’s elderly tenant Jane dies. This was a lot of death in a book where none of these deaths were really central themes. Also, we’ve already established that the lesson we learn from the book is toxic, so the deaths don’t even work in the book to further a point really. Next, lets talk about these relationships, because Fawn is bad in all of them.

Fawn is responsible for the death of Butterscotch the cat. She doesn’t really seem to blame herself much, even though he dies because she let him get into Jane’s apartment where he ate rat poison. If this were portrayed any other way, I would not blame her. But Fawn actively brings him into Jane’s apartment and encourages his visits. She sees and comments on the open rat poison, so it’s not as if she wasn’t aware. And she knows that Jane is suffering from some sort of dementia due to her old age and therefore can’t really be held responsible for watching her cat or maintain a safe environment. I find it hard to believe that someone who purports to love cats as much as this would be so irresponsible.

I can’t really blame Fawn for the poor relationship with her father, as the book portrays him as abusive.Though the author doesn’t state this, it is clear that he is neglectful and harmful to Fawn and her family. He is controlling, bad with money, stubborn, and negligent. However, I do blame Fawn for letting this negatively impact her relationships with other people. Her past abuse does not give her the right to harm others in the present day. It is her responsibility to fix herself and grow as a person. It’s not on others to have to tolerate her maltreatment of them. While I don’t know if Fawn’s situation makes therapy untenable, she doesn’t even try to become a better person and rise above her abuse.

Finally, Fawn abuses Jane. Jane is elderly and confuses Fawn for her daughter who lives far away. Fawn uses this to manipulate Jane. It is revealed at the end of the book that Fawn was actually stealing Jane’s possessions to sell for petty cash because her personal finances are allegedly that bad. This is elder abuse and is criminal. Fawn’s relationship with Jane is one of the few she maintains, and thinks it’s appropriate to steal from, lie to, and abuse an elderly woman who is clearly disabled.

The last thing I’d like to point out in this review is the structure of the book. This is an experimental epistolary novel. It’s told through written works online. This includes: email correspondence, store reviews, social media posts, etc. There are no chapters or section breaks in this book, which is an odd choice to me. I read it on my kindle, so at least seeing the progress there helped me. I disliked how much the book jumped from one format to the next. I also found it difficult to keep up with which character was writing these entries and which character was receiving them at times.

Ultimately, I’m not sure who the audience for this book is. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’d assume most of the people into humble, quirky bookstore owner tropes would be into romance novels. This was most definitely not a romance novel. Someone who places emphasis on relationships between characters will be disappointed because Fawn is wholly unlikable and ruins all of her relationships. Someone interested in the main character’s personal development will be disappointed because that doesn’t come until the last 5% of the book, feels very rushed, and is very unsatisfying. I really wanted to like this book, but I just felt that it fell very flat.

This book was sent to me as an advanced reader copy by the publisher.

Check out my blog: https://acrosstheskyinstars818513457.wordpress.com

[julianjdavis]

WHAT‘S AN INTROVERT TO DO WITH THE GREAT COMMISSION?

We are what we think about ourselves. And as if being our own worst enemy wasn't enough, we get plenty of help from society to shape our thinking. Pick your poison. There's an article, a podcast, a TED Talk, a book, a conference tailored just your size—affirming and encouraging what you might resonate with the most. There's a plethora of identities to diagnose yourself with. We wear whatever fits best.

No doctors are needed. Introvert is a label we place on ourselves. It's all about how well we know our own self. And as I'm writing this now, I'm realizing how often I'm having to use the word self. The answer to the question of whether you're an introvert or extrovert comes down to how self aware you are. I'm sure those around us could chime in on the topic as well, but we know us better than anyone.

Take me for example. I'm a textbook introvert by nature. I mean, I physically feel my heart trying to leap through my chest at the thought of speaking in front of a room full of people. Even a tiny room. The more courage I muster up to open my mouth, the more intense it gets. Being in a large group setting for an extended amount of time is about as exhausting for me as running a 2K in a sweat suit in the middle of July. I'd much rather stay home and read.

Then there's the chronic brain cramps, like a car engine misfiring, that leave me saying something totally different than my original thought. Seriously. Something happens in between my medulla oblongata and my mouth. When I'm with my wife she can see it happening and just gently grab my arm. That's my cue to find the nearest exit from the tangent I was running off on. Lord knows where it was going.

I had always thought there was just something wrong with me. Until a few years ago when I was rescued by the fresh wave of content that welcomed my social awkwardness with open, loving arms. And of course, a label that gave it value. The whole introvert/extrovert spiel is nothing new. But there just happened to be a surge of articles from some trendy and intellectual sources that caught my eye.

I don't know where things went south for me. I've always enjoyed making people laugh. I'm just naturally not very comfortable with people I don't know well. My mom most definitely has the "life-of-the-party" personality. Everyone who knows her knows that. She's loud and fun. My dad, on the other hand, was one of those rare breeds of people who understood the art of perfecting his craft. This meant tunnel vision. It meant working while everyone else was sleeping. He did always make time for me, though. And for the record, he did have a personality. He also had no problem performing in front of large crowds since he was a professional musician.

Then there's me.

In all my self-analysis I've tried to trace back to the cause. As if I were an alcoholic trying to find the beginning of my downward spiral. I was in the acceptance stage. I guess I'm just weird like that, I said to myself.

Then after reading more about it from a positive standpoint, I was able to switch a few letters around in that word weird. Instead, I realized I was just wired like that. Not everyone is meant to be the life of the party. God made me this way and it is oh so okay.

I clung onto verses like Psalms 139:14 that says "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." I found comfort in the fact that God doesn't make mistakes and that He made us uniquely different. The sovereign Creator made all things yet has no errors or accidents. Including me.

So I set out to be the most confident introvert there ever was. I was newly content in my skin. I was ready to take on the world—quietly and subtly, of course. Then I remembered the story of how God used Moses in spite of his insecurity. He had some sort of issues with his speech and didn't think he was good enough for God to use him. Even after He performed two miracles to remind and reassure him of His power. I just love what God said to him: “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” (Exodus 4:11-12)

That resonates with me on such a deep level. As it does with any one of the seventy-three verses over the course of three chapters in the book of Job when God put him in His place. You can't help but feel the mammoth difference between the Creator and His created being.

Then came some serious soul searching to find the place where my gifting and passion intersect as it relates to the kingdom. Music.

Questions arose like how does an introvert pursue music? More specifically, how does one pursue a role like leading worship? Because the men and women who wear those shoes have radiant, magnetic qualities that I don't possess. They're outgoing and witty. Not shy and quiet.

I read the job description and line after line was a case toward my inadequacy. There was no way I could do all of those things. I prayed for God to change me, knowing fully well that He was capable and would if He wanted that for me. I begged Him even. All I have to work with is a surrendered heart, the ability to carry a tune (that's debatable) and a passion for theology. There's plenty left to be desired. So I've accepted the fact that I don't fit the mold of a worship leader—at least by popular standards.

Still, I've wrestled through trying to discern what was actually true about myself and what lies I've been believing. Because there is a lurking enemy who day and night plots ways to steal, kill and destroy. I'm sure I'd be a threat to him if I were invoking the presence of God and inviting others to join me in His glory. What a potential threat that makes me.

But the fact of the matter is that leading worship is not a God-appointed mandate. Whether or not I'm up on a stage, or in the pews, or in my car, or even the shower, I can sing Him praises from my heart. He may not need to use me front and center. I have total peace there.  

But what does a so-called introvert do with the Great Commission? What do I do with the call to share the gospel? How can I radiate the joy of the Lord and love others well? What about community? What about using my gifts to edify the body? These things aren't so optional. In fact, they aren't at all. And I have no peace whatsoever with where I measure with those things.

I just can't wrap my brain around the notion that I could stand before God and it going something like this:

God: What have you done with My words? What have you done for My kingdom? Me: Well, you see… I have this condition. I wanted to do all these grand, amazing things but… but You made me this way. God: That's true. I'll give you a pass. But what about when I wanted you to pray for that man in the parking lot? And why is it that none of your neighbor’s know Me? I placed you right next to them. I also surrounded you with brothers and sisters to help you. Me: I wanted to engage but I just couldn't calm my pounding chest. I was too scared, too shy. And what if they think I'm weird or I mess everything up? God: Well, I know you wanted to and I know you tried. As long as you know Me I guess it's okay. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. Even though My Son went through much worse for you and it's not My will that any should perish.

I'd be willing to bet that you also have a hard time finding that scene to really play out that way. I also want to make sure that anyone reading this who identifies themselves as an introvert feels encouraged and not offended by the end of this post. There are plenty of legitimate factors that make it extremely difficult in a social setting. These challenges are an annoying reality.

But this enemy of ours is also an enemy of God's. He's a liar and the father of lies. He the master of deception. From the beginning he's whispered falsehood that contradicts what God says. He contradicts what He says about us and where our true identity lies.

So the real question is what does God say about us? What does He say about me?

My wife and I got plugged into a church with a missional mindset and a pastor who is leaping head first into the daunting task of breaking away from traditional church as we've known it. I just love him. And discipleship is the collective tone of the body.

On our first Sunday we joined them already in progress as they were going through the gospels. Not long after that, the pastor led our small group by teaching on what he gleaned from his recent trip to Haiti. This was the game changer for me.

Apart from already being confronted with the reality that sharing the gospel is as much about building relationship as it is about sharing faith, and that either of those things involve interacting with other humans, there's a lot more truth to be added. There's more coal to the fire.

The gospel is the lens that all of life passes through. In our small group we addressed the different insecurities and hindrances and doubts and fears that keep us from making disciples. There were so many lies I've allowed myself to believe. Then they were eclipsed by God's truth.

We turned to 2 Corinthians 5:17-21:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

The words that have taken root in me are new and ambassador. We are in a constant battle of spirit against flesh. Old nature versus new. This is one of those concepts I've heard thousands of times but in this context, understanding that Christ made me new was like a ceasefire amidst this war that’s brewing inside me.  

It's like being knighted. It's like having your name changed from Jacob to Israel or from Saul to Paul. And with this new identity comes a new role. Ambassador. I literally carry God's righteousness! Not mine. I walk and talk bearing the righteousness of God. The act of being made new was Him bringing me to Himself. As His ambassador in His righteousness.  

So what else is true about my identity?

I'm a conqueror.  (Romans 8:37)

I am complete in Christ. (Col. 2:10)

I've been chosen. (Eph. 1:4, 1 Peter 2:9)

I have power. (Isaiah 40:29-31, Romans 8:11, 2 Cor. 12:9, 2 Tim. 1:7)

I have authority. (Luke 10:19)

I am helped. (Isaiah 41:10)

I am loved. (Romans 8:38-39, 1 John 3:1)

I am strengthened. (Phil. 4:13, Eph. 3:16, 6:10, 2 Tim. 1:7)

I am courageous. (Deut. 31:6)

I am bold. (6:19-20)

I am free. (John 8:36)

I am brave. (Joshua 1:9)

I was created for good works. (Eph. 2:10)

And there’s more…

God is actively in the process of finishing the work He started in me (Phil. 1:6).  

He grants me access to everything I need (2 Peter 1:3).  

He can do far more than I could even fathom (Eph. 3:10).  

It is Christ who lives in me and I have His mind (Galatians 2:20, 1 Cor. 2:16).  

God keeps me in perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3).

His truth is where my thoughts should live (Phil. 4:8).

This is who I am. These are the abilities I possess. This is who you are and the abilities you have. When we get out of bed and take on the day ahead, with all it's opportunities and it’s challenges, we should as our true selves. And we can only do that after we've given up our claim to who we are outside of Christ.

When you surrender your entire being to the Lord, He can have His way with you and change you as He wills and for the best possible purposes. There's liberty in surrendering. There's a calming confidence in knowing that He who knows best, is best and wants our best has the control. We don’t need it. And we're better off without it.

It's why Paul knew he could rely on his flesh for absolutely nothing (Philippians 3:3). The God who calls us to “go” doesn't send us out in our own skin wearing all our humanity. We are too bent in ways that disrupt His perfect mission. Each of us have parts of ourselves that we need to bring under His submission. We need every bit of Him and all that He offers us in order to carry out the mission He called us to.

No matter where you lean on the introvert/extrovert scale, Christ levels the playing field. Either way, we need to die to ourselves and our former identity along with it. The former slave becomes free in Him. The former free man becomes a slave in Him (1 Corinthians 7:22-23). Jesus paid for our ability to become new. He purchased our identity with His life. And when I answered His call I took on that identity in Him.

The world promotes self-awareness but God is in the business of humbling and decreasing men so He can be the increase. So we are less aware of ourselves and more aware of Christ in us. He rescues us from our own self. Oswald Chambers explains it this way:

“Ask the Lord to put awareness of Himself in you, and your self-awareness will disappear. Then He will be your all in all… If we try to overcome our self-awareness through any of our own commonsense methods, we will only serve to strengthen our self-awareness tremendously. Jesus says, “Come to Me…and I will give you rest,” that is, Christ-awareness will take the place of self-awareness.”

[youdecode]

Fix Distorted Self Image [ 9 ways to increase pride & improve Self Concept]

Have you dropped something? Right behind you?

Check, maybe it’s a self-image.

Don’t worry, let’s pick it up! You must be aware by now that there are two types of self-image one is healthy and the other is an unhealthy one.

People get targeted with unhealthy self-esteem . . . if they don’t fulfill their certain emotional human needs.

For your physical health, you do eat food.

So similarly, for your mental and emotional stability, you need to pour in strength.

You want to get the importance of self-image or self-value if you:

Have you been oppressed at some point of time or been submissive?

Are Not succeeding in your current relationships?

Have Never left your house with a concern about having to interact with people.

Are failing in your life goals. . .

Are saturated with a feeling of worthlessness or feeling inadequate.

All these statements can lead you towards a lower self image.

But you know what?

These statements justify nothing.

It will be wrong to judge a self image based on just the above-based findings. Let’s dig deeper.

How are you right now with a distorted self-image? [effects of low self-esteem]

In any walk of life . . . like from lawyer to investor from teacher to mechanic . . . at some point, you will face self-image issues.

This means that you might be involved in self-destruction.

You should realize that an unhealthy low self-image is like a beast. It can uninvitingly enter your personal space.

That beast is very clever as sometimes it masks itself in various forms and shapes.

It can make an entry as depression, anxiety, or fear. So you are on the verge of depression owing to self-value. Let’s see what you do in this depressive state:

With low self-image, you are in a constant process of validation: with self and with others. Self-validation is for sure not positive. Thus, you resort to the validation from others. You become constantly dependable on others to tell you your worth and merit. Other’s approval becomes oxygen which you need to survive.

You can act immature a lot of time, and it will encourage the production of poor interpersonal skills.

Your anger knows no limits and you can lose your temper in front of anyone. At some point in your life, you sacrifice your identity. Why? because you want to fit in.

You don’t want to face reality or any unpleasant situation. Dodging reality gives you nothing. Consequently, you don’t get a position of higher success.

You might enjoy when other people are being humiliated in front of you.

Instead of taking compliments generally, you criticize yourself in front of everyone. This is self-destructive behavior. Sometimes, conversely, self-image can often lead to self bragging.

Why do you need to change your distorted self-image?

Because self-image is a mindset and mindset directs your life.

It is the mindset that is responsible for dragging you into ugly life events. Similarly, it is the mindset that is capable of attracting miracles.

With an unpleasant mindset about yourself, you will attract similar circumstances in your life which will validate that mindset.

Yes, this is the law of attraction.

As much as laws of gravity exist, laws of attraction also exist. So for flipping your life around, flip your self-image 360 degrees.

How to shift the mindset? Covered below. But for now, get these thing:

If you don’t boost your self-image today then You will:

Fall in the criteria of those people who pressurize others.

Can become completely overbearing.

Expand the low self-image which can provoke some social forms of violence. Thus, you should know how to raise your self-esteem.

Always concentrate on your weakness, failures, and setbacks that life has given you. Attracting more of it.

Never respect yourself. It will devalue yourself to such an extent that you can begin to think of yourself as an individual who can never get loved.

Consider yourself a person with no personal identity. If someone will ask you to describe yourself then? You will become lost at words. Why? because you never contemplated the reflection of a self image.

Remain in a constant phase of insecurity. You will think that the relationships which you valued are completely futile.

Blame others for controlling and making you lose your self-dignity. feel lonely. You will have times when you will fear immensely. A great deal of immense anxiety will saturate your soul.

Trust nobody. Why? Because you do not trust yourself. For trusting others, it is vital to have faith in yourself.

Not be able to enjoy the world around you.

Remain trapped in the hollows of the past.

If you change your distorted self-image today (Benefits of self-image) then You will . . .

Get the idea of your potential . . . much more than the others and you will only rely on yourself in every matter.

Not care about the opinion of others. They won’t interfere in deciding your future. You will know yourself by drilling the idea of self-security within you.

Know how to be happy with yourself. It means you will be able to let go of past traumatic incidents in your life.

Be actually able to see the reflection of goodness in others. You will also know the recipe of how to like yourself.

Be able to observe the beauty all around you.

Acknowledge the goodness in others is also one of the strengths. You can earn joy by complimenting the world around you.

Get the ability to forgive others will penetrate deep down in your heart. You will become more forgiving.

Ignore all sorts of negativity around you. Your self-value will make you realize your actual worth and integrity.

Be able to take care of your mental health. With good mental health, you will become much more optimistic about the future. Happiness will touch your figure when being with others.

Take full responsibility for your actions and thoughts.

Get what is self-worth.

Never feel left out.

Always have those caring relationships around you. Ones who will never let you feel lonely.

Appreciate your accomplishments.

Always stay away from unhealthy people. Those who are trying to contaminate your life with poison. If you don’t want them to infect your feelings then you should better never compromise.

Be able to achieve the world. Future smiles with pleasurable anticipation at those who have higher aspirations and hopes. The unhealthy self-image never permits you to value tomorrow, placing you last in the race of life.

See beyond black inky night and will realize the pleasure. A true bliss which life has to offer.

Identify the drive which will help you to look forward. . . from any fancy meal stretching to a much more complex goal of a Ph.D. degree.

Bid farewell to lack of self-confidence.

How to get all these benefits of self image? How to develop a self-image?

By now you must have got the importance of self-image and the importance of self-love.

Cultivate this fact in your head that a healthy self-image is possible. It is indeed real.

With the use of the correct technique, you can experience this real feeling.

You will be able to develop a healthy self-image while improving your self if you nourish your : creativity, flexibility, openness, honesty, acceptance, cooperativeness, and independence.

1- Mindset

What is the mindset? It is your belief system. And what is the belief system?

It is the system formed from your repetitive thoughts. If you constantly feed the idea into your brain that:

“I am not good enough”

“I do not deserve this”

“I am capable of nothing”

Then you create a belief system in your mind.

Several belief systems exist in our brain and every belief system directs the result in our lives.

So, in essence, it all becomes with a thought. You thought that you are incapable. You constant thought that.

This constant thought turned it into a belief system and what happened next?

It gave rise to the feeling of worthlessness. And you cannot ignore this feeling.

This feeling is, in essence, the energy with which you vibrate.

The negative energy which you vibrate attracts other negative energies taking the form of unpleasant circumstances in your life.

Thoughts are things.

I dedicated the whole post so that you change your thoughts.

You have to realize that your thoughts have the power of turning into reality. Not every thought turns into reality.

The thought which gets repeated and which evokes feeling turns into a reality.

And both of these pre-requisites are met by a negative self-image mindset.

When someone finds oneself losing something, then one must recall that: it is the result of one’s thoughts.

The moment one’s thoughts about oneself changes, the reality changes.

How to be mindful of the thought?

Think about what you are thinking.

I suggest writing the thoughts down for a week. Do not accept the negative thoughts and remind yourself about the achievements you have had.

If negative thoughts are constantly striking your mind then this blog post deals with how you can get your mind off them.

One way to counter your thoughts is by developing critical thinking.

2- Critical Thinking [Fix distorted self-image]

You need to realize that critical thinking is a weapon. This is a tool that will help you to survive when others have failed.

Why do you need to develop this important skill if you need a high self-image?

Well . . . Because with the low self-image you will never be able to reach a proper conclusion with reasoning and logic.

You will remain trapped in the cycle of self-doubt.

It will spin your mind and force you to second guess the outcome . . . and that too without formulating the inferences.

You will be afraid to make proper decisions and never see yourself in positive self-regard.

By developing critical thinking, you will analyze your every thought before accepting it blindly.

You will make proper judgments before feeding the thoughts in your belief system.

Even if we see general Critical thinking has become such an important aspect in this modern world.

Why? As this ability cannot be automated like all other aspects.

If we talk about the professional sector, there is a great demand for critical thinkers. What is critical thinking in the professional world?

It is the thinking which reflects your intelligence which is important for any modern-day workplace.

With critical thinking, people penetrate up in the hierarchy of management or upper positions.

Now for critical thinking, you will have to develop a great ability. Of what? Of conducting research and doing statistical analysis.

You will have to sort out all your emotions and reach a final coherent unbiased conclusion.

3- Become a Creative

Instead of getting inspired by creativity, you need to inspire creativity.

To develop a higher self-image, you should find a way of sparking your creativity. Everyone likes innovation. It is in demand.

Start journaling for brushing your creativity and do that right after you wake up or right before you sleep.

This is the best time when your subconscious mind is most active (theta state). Thus whichever ideas you get during this time are in essence the ideas from this higher faculty. So use it to your advantage.

You can script the ideas which are merely writing what comes to your head or get the idea from the mind.

In my journaling technique, I focus on how to get the idea. I run business thus I need to develop creativity.

New ideas boost my self-confidence and self-esteem. You will be proud of your thoughts.

Once you will become proud and own confidence in your ideas, suggestions, and thoughts then others will also appreciate it. [Be it for any life project, be the creative idea be for mending a relation]

If you have something new to tell this world . . . then you can become a leader rather than just standing in the queue of followers.

You can become conscious of unchallenged supremacy by developing a higher self-image through creativity.

If you say that you are not creative then I do not believe you.

Some creativity exercise:

Engage yourself in D. I .Y crafts.

You can boost your creativity level by making a short 3 minutes film.

Write any 3-minute script on something on which you strongly believe in. Every person has a story to tell the world. Let your creativity run wild.

You start filming with your phone and edit it with any free software. Then upload it on your private you-tube channel. This will make you proud of yourself giving you high self-esteem.

4- Interact with people if you fear getting judged

If you want a high self-image then just go out without your cell phone. You can avoid people by engrossing yourself on your phone.

What if you have no option?

but to communicate with strangers and see the world from another perspective?

Enjoy the forceful communication with the world.

You have to take care of your mental stability so train yourself for a marathon.

This is an important accomplishment because it is not easy to run 26.2 miles.

Trust me you will learn to be flexible by crazily setting the goal and crossing that finishing line.

5- Admit mistakes to fix distorted self image

If you have a low self-image then you will not admit your mistakes.

So better you pay attention to this weakness and regain your lost confidence.

If you do not make mistakes, then test your ego and self image by intentionally making mistakes. Later admit them.

Only then you will be apologetic in the time where you are actually wrong.

Intentionally pay the wrong bills and wait for the cashier to correct you. It will be hard to say sorry but you will learn.

You have to press the wrong button for a person in the elevator. Then apologize by pressing the right one.

By making mistakes you can realize how to hold in high esteem. Do not get embarrassed but proudly admit.

6- Fix distorted self image by acceptance:

You need to accept the way you are. If you want to sing then sing even if it is in the public toilet. Yes, trying singing there.

Be what your heart instructs you, don’t become the slave of others judgment.

Living life commanded by others is enough for hating oneself.

So avoid such causes of self-hatred.

7- Overcoming low self-image through Cooperativeness:

Establish cooperativeness as this will empower you in several ways and give you pure joy.

You can make food for poor people.

You can try to spend as much time as you can for elderly people.

You may plant a tree in the garden. By doing such acts you will love yourself more and forsake low self-opinion.

Help yourself in knowing your self-worth through such acts.

8- Strong confident you by practicing Independence:

This will highly increase your self-image as you will be on your own.

For liking yourself, make decisions, and have confidence in them.

Just travel. You should try traveling by some unusual means of transportation. Why? Your perspective of seeing the world will change. Just hire something.

Thoughts on improving self concept & increasing pride:

I will suggest you to keep a log of what ever you do for fixing distroted self image.

Your progress will motivate you.

You can record videos while performing these self-esteem activities and upload them to Google drive.

TELL ME WHICH OF THE ACTIVITY WILL YOU TRY AS A CHALLENGE?

Comment fast: Your time starts now 1 2 3 go!

The post Fix Distorted Self Image [ 9 ways to increase pride & improve Self Concept] appeared first on You Decode.

[thoughtsaday-blog]

10 Things I Wish for Black Folks

1) I wish that we would stop bashing single mothers as some sort of high and mighty imperative of the "talented tenth" and their self hating respectability politics within our communities. This belief that, "Maybe if we mimic white folks in their hatred of us they let us at they table and have some of they money"  is not serving us well (Incidentally, I don't notice the same level of vitriol towards single fathers which is again an indication of the internalized misogyny both among black women and within black culture as a whole).

2) I wish that we would instead support and champion programs that mitigate some of the wealth inequalities and social stresses that make being a single mother often so difficult, specifically in our American culture because such programs actually benefit ALL women. Guess what, it sucks to be a single black mom in America but it also sucks to be a working married mom of any color in America. The two are actually synonymous as increasingly married couples give over a significant portion of their wealth to enable the mother/wife to work.  Aside from that, what is often ignored in the tirades against those darn “loose” single black mothers is that single motherhood is also an epidemic in Europe. However, because whites are so collectivist and tribal in nature with such strong self love and unity, they were determined that such a drastic change in family dynamics for whatever reason would not negatively affect white wealth or white children. As a result, many European countries have  amazing social safety nets that not only assist single parent families but all women in living thriving lives of contribution to the public sphere. The children are doing well. The women are doing well. The families are doing well. The people are doing well. Truth be told, America would likely have the same if the specter of racism did not so thoroughly hold American politics in it’s thrall. 

3) I wish that black people would begin to think outside the box. We're rigidly mired in respectability politics and we love to denigrate and marginalize one another. We don't seem to understand that those are the same tools of oppression used to keep us as the lowest people on the totem pole. 

4) I wish that black people would come to realize that the white man's ice is NOT colder. We speak about cultural appropriation which is a very important issue,  but let’s keep it real? Many of us didn’t value it until white folks appropriated...erm..uh...”appreciated” it. I firmly believe that colorism will likely only be mitigated if somehow modern medicine creates a pill that those with less melanin could take to become darker. As whites and non-blacks run en masse to take those pills, suddenly black folks will realize what they had all along. Unfortunately even then, there will likely be some id-jiots among us who will only think dark skin is pretty on former pale people vs the “true blacks” who “aren’t as fine”. Cue the eye rolling. 

5) I wish that we truly loved one another. Truth is, many black people virulently hate other black people...and it shows. We hate our romantic partners---why else would there be so much negativity in our romantic relationships? For men: If she’s a “bitch/heaux/slut” after you had sex with her, she was a “bitch/heaux/slut” before...so that makes you look like a fool. For women: If he was a no-count f-boi after you laid down with him, he was one before so again that makes you look like the fool. 

 We hate our children--why else would we continue to allow some of the abusive behaviors towards the most vulnerable portions of our community? Men like R.Kelly should be a footnote in our entertainment history, not a current celebrity who is still selling out concerts. Why do we continue to call our innocent young girls “fast” as a means of justifying their abuse by predators? Why do we continue to brag about our excessive use of corporal punishment? Beating a child into submission is not a sign of good parenting.  

We hate our ancestors---why else would so many of us continue to deny the significance of slavery and de jure segregation upon our current experiences? Black people have only been truly “free” for around 40 years.Slavery might have technically ended in 1865, but following that was a period of 100 years of brutally violent legalized apartheid. That brings us up to the Civil Rights era and even then the legislature of equality that helped so many groups even beyond black people did not come into actual action until the 1970s. That’s not even a complete generation ago. How is 1970 so far back in the past? Get out of here. 

6) I wish that we would stop buying meaningless consumer b.s. that does nothing for us individually or collectively beyond temporarily bolstering our low self esteem. I am very careful with my dollars because I recognize that my dollars support systems. I was in a community where a relative owns a few rental properties the other day. I see one  of the neighbors who perhaps owns his home,  drive by in...a Bentley. I asked my relative---does he own that Bentley? Yes. True, this is in an upper class neighborhood in P.G. county, supposedly one of the wealthier enclaves of black people in the nation. However, I have lived in predominately non-black neighborhoods that were comprised of  multi million dollar estates in other portions of the country and no one had a Bentley. Why? For one thing, they get horrible gas mileage. Really a waste. A Bentley serves no other purpose beyond the ostentatious communication of status. Now let me get this straight----you purchased a $500k home and have decided that now, nothing will do but a Bentley? Come now. Your dollars support systems...what systems have you been supporting? Do you know who the organizational executives are in the companies that make the products that you purchase? Do you know the politics of those executives? Do you know what political campaigns if any were supported by the companies that make the products you buy? For example, what charitable contributions has Nike made to the black community over the last 10 years? What educational programs and/or black students has they supported? Let’s also turn the lens inward---what regular charitable contribution have any of the black celebrities supported en masse by black folks made to our community? What schools or educational programs have they opened or supported? What political candidates within the black community have they funded? What portion of the dollars from the purchase of their licensed products goes back to the communities which have made those products into multi billion dollar enterprises?  

7) I wish that black people embraced entrepreneurship as an active model for production and wealth attainment rather than as merely a title for status. I want desperately to support black businesses and I do--- but I will also admit that many of them are run so shoddily. You can use the excuse of less access to capital to a point, but funding should have nothing to do with your client service and organizational hierarchy. Many of us run our businesses like we're still employees passing the buck and refusing to be accountable. Many of us run our businesses in a way that indicates that we are under the unfortunate misnomer that running a business will mean less work. Many of us just want to say that we're "CEOS" and that we're "entrepreneurs". However, many of us don't want to pay the cost to be the boss. Many of us refuse to educate ourselves and to legitimize our businesses by appropriately establishing them. Yes, there is most definitely discrimination in business funding, however if you’ve not legally established your business, you can’t even be in the running for funding vehicles. If you don’t have a business plan, no one will take you seriously beyond your friends and family and unfortunately they will likely not be the people seriously investing their dollars into your vision. If your business is product based and you’re not buying wholesale but instead buying retail in the hopes that you can resell, you’re not running a business---you’re hosting a yard sale. In most states, a wholesale license is free. There is no excuse.  

8) I also wish that those who are affluent within the black community, especially those who are successful entrepreneurs would begin to invest their time as mentors and their funding as angel investors within our entrepreneurship class. I see many shoddily run ventures, but I also see a great many awesome ideas where the individual just needs some mentoring and/or some funding to make their ideas extremely profitable. We keep waiting for others to see our value and invest in our dreams when we don’t see our own value and continue to refuse to invest in our own dreams. The crab-in-a-barrel “I got mine and that’s all that matters” mindset has to end. Besides, if you’re not giving back in a sizable and sustained manner, you’re not truly wealthy anyway. 

9) I wish that we would recognize our power. Black people have wealth. Collectively, we are extraordinarily wealthy. Our buying power is on par with no other group. We are also heavy influencers when it comes to western culture. Many whites and other non-blacks have gone onto great success simply as a result of having our stamp of approval. Why are we still struggling individually? Because of everything that I listed 1-8. Self hate will kill a people and that is why it is so profitable for the system of white supremacy to make sure that we continue to hate ourselves. As long as we hate ourselves, we won't invest in us, we won't have compassion for us, and we won't really care about us. 

10) I wish that we could begin to see ourselves through a lens of truth sans the harmful tint of white supremacy. If we could begin to do that then all of the "isms" that plague our community could be exposed for the harmful poisons that they are and we could begin to leave them behind. Colorism and featurism are nothing more than internalized white supremacy.They have no place in a people who are supposedly attempting to move forward beyond the oppression which once held them captive.  Just my thoughts...

[doomweaver-93-blog]

Out of my Shell- Coming out as Bi

Salutations, all of you lovely chuckle-fucks! I’m sorry it took so long for me to get the creative juices flowing (giggity), but sometimes it can take a while for the proverbial gears to start turning. So, this time around I thought that I’d take all of you on a colorful journey, telling the tale about my recent coming-out as bi-sexual. And let me tell you, it definitely wasn’t an easy thing for me to do. The uncertainty of how friends and family would react to the news, was the biggest thought pulling at the back of my mind. Ever since my formative years in middle school, I thought I could hide it and not let it be so obvious. But back in October of 2016, I finally decided that I wasn't going to hide my bi-sexuality anymore. I believe that one's sexual identity is nothing to be ashamed of, and that everyone, whether or not they're part of the LGBTQ community, should be damn proud of who they are. I mean, who gives a rat's ass what other people think? Anyway, I bet some of you are wondering how it all started, and why I finally decided to come out after so many years. Well, slap your asses onto your seats and listen good, because the story is about to start....

It all started when I was attending middle school, back when I was living in the traumatic, miserable shithole in New Jersey (which I mentioned in my previous posts). I don't remember what exact grade I was in back then, but my attraction to both sexes stemmed as a result of being around my male classmates in the boys locker room during gym class. I won't go into inglorious details about the sort of thoughts I had, because some of you who are reading this are probably squeamish and easily butt-hurt/offended. The point is, I looked upon both male and female genders with the same sexual attraction, and never once thought I might be bi-sexual. Back then I thought if I came out as bi or if knowledge about my sexual identity somehow circulated, I'd be bullied and demeaned more than I already was. So for the entire time I lived in New Jersey, I kept it to myself and never let it show. And it continued well into my moving out to Ohio to live with my mom, throughout junior high, during high school, and well after taking a hiatus from Landmark College. While I was at Landmark, there were some instances when a random guy would say how cute I was, or commented on how good some of my clothes looked on me. I'd reply with a half-hearted thanks, but I never really gave it much thought. And there were some times when I thought about experimenting (if you know what I mean), but again, I didn't give it much thought. It wasn't until my visit to my brother Andrew and sister-in-law Julie's house in Oregon for their October 2016 wedding, that I FINALLY decided to come out of the proverbial closet as bi-sexual.

I first told my niece, Jasmine, during a Facebook conversation one night, and her response could be nothing short of happy, loving, and supportive.  I breathed a tremendous sigh of relief, but I knew that it wouldn't stop there. Months after I flew back home to Ohio, I finally came out out to my previously-mentioned brother Andrew, my sister-in-law Julie, and shortly thereafter, to all of my other family and friends on Facebook. When I told everyone the news via Facebook post, I was nervously holding my breath. I'll admit that I was beyond anxious and nervous about how everyone would react to me being bi-sexual, and I was worried that it'd have a noticeable negative impact on all of my relationships. But in fact, quite the opposite happened. All of my friends and family showed nothing but an overwhelming outpouring of love, support, kindness, and respect. And while that itself was beyond amazing, I was kind of apprehensive about how my mom would react to my coming out, as she is an out-spoken Christian and opposed to things like the LGBTQ community and same-sex marriages. However, she has agreed to be supportive and to keep her opinions on the matter to herself, so I'll take my victories where I can. Once I came out to everyone, I felt like I was finally able to let go of a lot of the crippling anxiety and self-doubt that clouded my mind for so many years. And that, my lovely chuckle-fucks, was an enormous relief of itself.

Like everybody else out there, I'll occasionally come across some very hurtful ridicule from bigoted and prejudicial people, whether it's about my sexual identity, my Asperger's,  or some other aspect of my life. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been demeaned and belittled because of it. There are times when I wondered whether or not I should've come out as bi-sexual in the first place. As I mentioned earlier, I was definitely apprehensive about how my mom would react to my coming out, as she is a Christian and vehemently opposed to things like same-sex marriage and LGBTQ rights. She even gave me a completely disgusted look when she saw my Facebook post, and after I told her in person. But you know what? I honestly don't give a damn what other people say. The fact of the matter is, I was beyond proud of myself for finding the strength and courage to come out. I don't know why it took me so many years to come out in the first place, but I'm totally glad that I did. I know that there are other people out there who aren't as fortunate as I am in that regard, and all too often there are LGTBQ youth and young adults who are faced with the threat of violence, rejection, or homelessness simply because their own family or friends don't "approve" of their sexual identity. And that really breaks my heart.

The one thing about my coming out that continues to rub me the wrong way, is when people who claim to be "Christians", attempt to threaten me with the "fires of hell", and "God's wrath", because of my sexual identity.  I'll sometimes see one of my mom's church friends out in public, and they'll give me such hateful looks and make the "God is watching" gesture towards me. Which makes me laugh hysterically, because aren't Christians supposed to love everyone, including bi-sexuals and other members of the LGTBQ community? Shit like that nearly played a negative role in my coming out, but I don't give a squadron of flying fucks what a bunch of religious people think or say. The only thing that matters is what I think of myself. And I'm way happy that I did come out, because I feel as though a whole new galaxy of love and possibilities has opened up and made itself known to me, in a manner of speaking. As to my thoughts about other people who are bi-sexual, let me just say this; Bi-sexuals and LGBTQ people in general are just fucking AWESOME. Everyone who identifies as LGBTQ is a super-beautiful person in so many different ways, regardless of what people around them say. I plan on getting involved in LGBTQ rights groups, and when I finally make the move into my own place, try to find some outreach centers of some kind that help people who identify themselves as part of the LGBTQ community. Take it from me, it can be stressful and outright emotionally taxing dealing with all the religious bigotry, hatred, and seemingly endless bullying that's poisoning our world.  I've found that the key to inner beauty and outward peace, is to not even let it bother you in any way. If it gets in your head, it can do all kinds of metaphorical damage to your confidence and self-esteem. Personally, I've adopted the following mindset to help me combat negative words and thoughts; I'm loved. I'm valued. I'm fucking awesome. And, hate has no hold on me. Only love has a say in my life. If you harbor nothing but love in your heart and mind, I guarantee that it'll make an awesome impact in your own life.  I know that it's definitely helped me out in mine.

In closing, I'd like to pop a cap of advice on all of you out there; whether you're straight, gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, just know that you're loved and valued, no matter what. If you're anxious about coming out, or facing any kind of hate and scorn for identifying yourself differently from the world's twisted sense of "normal", just take some deep breaths and surround yourself with nothing but upbeat, loving and supportive people. If others can't or won't love and support you for being yourself, then honestly, you don't need them at all. Educate yourself about the various resources and networks that are available out there, if a situation arises where you feel rejected and un-wanted. You're never alone. Don't be afraid of coming out and expressing yourself for who you are. There are tons of people all over the world who are ready and willing to talk to you (myself included), whenever you just need to get something off your mind, or if you need to hear someone say some loving and encouraging words. Research different services that are available for any LGBTQ youth/ young adults facing the threat of being cast out, simply because of their sexual identity. And lastly, when some bigoted fuck-wad shows you hate and contempt, show nothing but love and peace. Believe me, I know that this particular post might not seem like my most creative piece, and I did struggle to put the thoughts in my head as words on paper and a screen, but I feel like I've written this piece for anyone out in the world who identifies as LGBTQ and is afraid of coming out for fear of bullying, rejection, scorn from family or friends, and any manner of bigotry and prejudicial judgment. I wanted to speak up for those who might find themselves voiceless in some way, and at the same time, tell my own story to those who are willing to listen. I might struggle a lot to translate my thoughts into words, but I also feel like that this is one of the more candid tales I've told to all of you, my lovely chuckle-fucks. If you have any questions about this post, or just want to chat me up, feel free to contact me on any of my social media accounts listed below;

Email: doomweaver93@yahoo.com

Facebook: Josh Lesure

Twitter: Josh Lesure

Tumblr: doomweaver-93

I'd like to thank all of my friends from Landmark College, Dragonfly Academy, and my family for helping (in some way) to make this story possible, and I hope it helps to shed some more light on the delightfully twisted tale that is me, yours truly.  Many thanks for your continued love and support, and I hope to continue writing some more sordid tales in the future, fortune willing. You're all such fucking awesome people, and I wouldn't be who I am without you. Never forget to show love and kindness to those who need it. Right now, somewhere out there is a person who's perhaps struggling with their sexual orientation, and is uncertain about whether they should come out or not, and they need all the love and support they can possibly get. Try to volunteer for groups/organizations that help and provide aid to displaced people who identify as LGBTQ and need help getting on their feet. I myself was worried about possibly being thrown out onto the streets after coming out as bi-sexual, so I'm somewhat familiar with that level of fear and uncertainty. Never be ashamed to ask those you can trust for help, or to reach out to a a group of people that can provide you with the resources and caring if you're a young person who probably feels hated and unwelcome in your home environment. Get involved in things like pride groups and outreach centers where they're available. Once again, thank you all so much for continuing to love and support me throughout this fucked-up journey called life, and I hope to write some more sordid tales for you in the near future. Until next time, always remember to show love and peace in the face of hate, prejudice and bigotry. Stay strong, and hold your head up high. Huzzah!