#I wanna book it out of here and change my identity

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

will you please give us examples of resources to look at if we want to learn more about the concept of gender and maybe even transness in Medieval Europe? thanks!

whooooo boy right, there's a lot! I wanna start this by saying that I am very much not an expert, and I only have access to stuff I can find for free and the handful of books I can afford to buy second hand. Most of my research has been around gender as it relates to transness and GNC people. I am absolutely missing stuff, or have forgotten stuff, or simply lack the know-how to find stuff.

There's a few bits I've got on a TBR but haven't read yet - some I've included and some I haven't, depending on the source and how established it is.

Also: this is medieval Europe. The way pronouns are used to describe people don't really align with modern views of sex and gender. Also be aware of old-fashioned language use (for example, some texts talk about "hermaphrodites"). Remember that the way we talk about gender and trans identities is far different to how we even spoke about it 20 years ago.

So with that out of the way... I am chucking this under a read more, because it's long:

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GENDER

Medieval ideas around gender were different to how we now think about it. The Hippocratic view of gender saw gender as a sort of wet/dry, cold/hot spectrum upon which men were at one end and women the other (and in the middle were intersex people). The male body was seen as hot and dry, and the female as cold and wet. The cold, wetness is what made women try to seek out heat from guys. A lot comes down to humors rather than genitals - if you're hot and dry, that innately means you grow a penis, because the heat sorta forces it out. So the marker is that penis = man, but you only have that penis in the first place because of your hot, dry humor.

Some people believed the vagina was an inverted penis - as in, the penis turned outside in. Some schools of thought believed that both men and women produced "seed", and that both were needed for conception. These thoughts and ideas shifted around a lot.

The Hippocratic view shifted towards Aristotelian ideas around the 12th Century, where the male/female divide was a lot stronger. There were also surgeons throughout all these periods who sought to "correct" intersex genitalia with surgery (how little things change).

This podcast (I've linked to a transcript, because I have more time to read than listen to things) with Dr Eleanor Janega is super interesting. In fact, I'd recommend reading her whole blog, which is fascinating. She also has a book out (but I've not read it so I can't give a yay or nay on that one)

The Meanings of Sex Difference in the Middle Ages by Joan Cadden seems to be a good source on this, but I've not read it so I can't vouch for it 100%.

I've listed below some real people who could fit into our modern interpretation of transness, and the fact that all of these people were only "outed" when arrested or at their death makes me think that there were probably a lot more people at the time who would also fit into this category. It does feel (to me, a layman) that you could rock up in a new town and go "hello I'm Jeff the Man" and people would just accept that.

It's also important to note that the majority of sources I've found are about people we could define as trans men (FTM). I've only found one person who could be described as a trans woman. If anyone out there has more sources for trans women, I'd love to hear them - specifically in medieval Europe/England.

There's also a big discussion to be had around the idea of women dressing as men to achieve a goal. People love getting into arguments about it. My general rule is that if someone lived as X gender, and was forcibly outed against their will or at death, then I feel we can more safely assume that their experience maps more closely onto a trans narrative than it does one of a woman taking on the "disguise" of a man.

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TRANS & GNC ACADEMIA

Here's some of the sources I've been using that examine medievalism through a trans or trans-adjacent lens.

Trans and Genderqueer Subjects in Medieval Hagiography, Alicia Spencer-Hall & Blake Gutt - a deep dive/collection of essays about medieval religious figures/saints through a trans lens, specifically about cross-dressing figures. Really fascinating, and available on open access.

How to be a Man, Though Female: Changing Sex in Medieval Romance, Angela Jane Weisl - goes into detail about medieval texts in which characters change their sex.

Transgender Genealogy in Tristan de Nanteuil, Blake Gutt - trans theory in the story Tristan de Nanteuil.

Trans Historical: Gender Plurality before the Modern, edited by Greta LaFleur, Masha Raskolnikov & Anna Kłosowska - A great big examination into trans history/gender. I desperately want this book.

Clothes Make the Man, Female Cross Dressing in Medieval Europe, Valerie R. Hotchkiss (book, no online source available) - Another look into women dressing as men and gender inversion.

The Shape of Sex, Leah DeVun (book) - A history of nonbinary sex, 200 - 1400BC. Not read this one yet but it's on my TBR.

In fact, I'd recommend all of Leah DeVun's work, which I'm currently making my way through. I'm currently reading Mapping the Borders of Sex.

The Third Gender and Aelfric's Lives of Saints, Rhonda L. McDaniel - An examination into the idea of a "third gender" in monastic life based around chastity and spiritualism

Erecting Sex: Hermaphrodites and the Medieval Science of Surgery, Leah DeVun - an essay about "corrective" surgery on intersex individuals in the 13th/14th centuries. (I've not fully read this one yet but the topic is relevant)

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TRANS FIGURES

Joseph/Hildegund (died 1188) - A monk who, upon his death, was discovered to have a vagina/breasts.

Eleanor Rykener (1394) - A (likely) trans sex worker arrested in 1394 (and another source that isn't wiki)

Katherina Hetzeldorfer (killed 1477) - An early record of a "woman" being executed for female sodomy. Katherina dressed and presented as a man, and some scholars read them as a trans man.

Marinos/Marina the Monk (5th Cent) - A monk who was born a woman and lived as a man in a monastery. Marinos was accused of getting a local innkeeper's daughter pregnant. Their "true sex" was discovered upon their death.

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ROMANCES* & GENDER

If you're interested in the idea of gender presentation and trans-adjacent stories, I very much recommend taking a look at some contemporary sources. I've tried to take a sort of neutral approach to pronouns for these descriptions, but it's hard to marry the medieval and modern ideas of sex and gender! The titles are all links.

*Romances here means Chivalric Romances: prose/verse narratives about chivalry, often with fantastic elements. Not, like, falling in love Romances.

Le Roman de Silence (13th Cent) - in order to ensure inheritance, a couple raise their daughter as a boy. The baby is called Silence/Silentius/Silentia. The poem features the forces of Nature and Nurture, who argue about Silence's "true" gender - Nature claims they're a girl, and Nurture claims they're a boy. Silence has a variety of adventures, largely referred to in the text as a man with he/him pronouns, and at the end their "true gender" is discovered and, as a woman, they marry the king.

Yde et Olive (15th Cent) - to avoid being married to their own father, Yde, a woman, disguises themselves as a man and becomes a knight. They end up in Rome, where the king marries them to their daughter, Olive. After a couple of weeks, Yde tells Olive about their "true gender", but the conversation is overheard. The King demands Yde bathe with him to prove they are a man. An angel intervenes and transforms Yde's body into that of a man.

Iphis and Ianthe (Greek/Roman myth, but also in Ovid's Metamorphois, which first came to England in the 15th Cent) - Telethusa is due to give birth, but her husband tells her that if the baby is a girl he'll have it killed. When she gives birth to a girl, she disguises the baby as a boy. Eventually, Iphis is engaged to Ianthe. (Incidentally, this is also a really early example of same-sex romance, as Iphis struggles with their love for Ianthe "as a woman"). Before the wedding, Iphis and Telethusa pray at the temple of Isis, who transforms Iphis into a man.

Tristan de Nanteuil (11th/12th Cent) - from the Chanson de geste, after his alleged death, Tristan's wife, Blanchandin/e, disguises themselves as a Knight. Clarinde, a sultan's daughter, falls in love with them. Blanchandin manages to hide their "true sex", but when Clarinde demands they bathe with her to prove they are a man they flee into the woods. There, they meet an angel who asks if they want to be transformed into a man. Blanchandin accepts and he is turned into a man for the rest of the poem. (Incidentally the angel gives him a giant cock. Yes, the text specifies this).

Le Livre de la mutation de fortune (1403) - written in the first person by Christine de Pizan, the poem describes how the narrator is transformed by Fortune into a man after the death of their husband during a storm at sea. They maintain that 13 years after the event, they are still living as a man. (They also mention Tiresias, a Greek mythological figure who was a man transformed into a woman for seven years).

Okay, for now - that's about all I can think of. Happy reading!

[alpaca-clouds]

So, You Wanna Write A Solarpunk Thriller

Based on the blog I wrote yesterday about conflict in Solarpunk stories and how people either don't understand how stories work, have never read a book, or plainly act more dumb than they are. Because, yes, you can in fact tell almost any sort of story in a Solarpunk work - without resorting (like, sadly, way too many writers do) to "Actually the utopia is a lie and Solent Green is people!"

Meaning: If you need a "dark secret in society" to have a conflict in your story, you have a skill issue.

But let's talk about the genre that usually comes with those kinda dark secrets. While not necessary for the genre per se, it is a common trope here. Thrillers.

Ironically we all have some picture in our heads what a thriller might be - even though it might be one of the most loosely defined literary genre. Though probably we will think first of some movies.

The top 10 thriller movies according to this list on IMDB, the top ten thrillers are:

Seven (Police/Crime)

Silence of the Lambs (Police/Crime)

Shutter Island (Psychological)

The Sixth Sense (Supernatural)

Zodiac (Police/Crime)

Inception (Crime)

North by Northwest (Spy)

Identity (Psychological/Crime)

The Game (Financial)

The Prestige (Psychological/Crime)

Something you will note to your surprise: None of those actually feature a central conflict based on the society having a dark secret. In fact half of them are basically just Mystery movies with higher stakes (which is what turns them from mystery/crime drama to thrillers).

In fact I would argue that at least half of those movie plots could be rewritten fairly easily to take place in a Solarpunk world without any problem. Like, sure, The Game would not work, because this story very much is build around capitalism existing. And one could argue how those stories, where the main character is a cop need to be changed (because I know that my vision of a solarpunk does not involve cops).

In fact, going through the list of those 50 movies in total, I count a total of 6 movies in which a government conspiracy is part of the central conflict. Out of those 6 movies 4 are Cyberpunk.

Generally speaking, there is a variety of concepts for thrillers. There is the police/crime thrillers, but others as well. Wikipedia lists those kinds of thrillers:

The legal thriller, spy thriller, action-adventure thriller, medical thriller, police thriller, romantic thriller, historical thriller, political thriller, religious thriller, high-tech thriller, military thriller.

And I might add, I am very much missing the psychological thriller in there.

So, what am I saying here?

Basically: All you need to write a thriller is high enough stakes. In the end, a good thriller works by the stakes being high (though what means "high" might also vary from subgenre to subgenre), and by the readers or watchers understanding the stakes well.

So, that said, let me go through the kinds of thriller we have named above and name one example each for how the story could be made solarpunk.

Legal Thriller: The easy example here would be the fight for a Solarpunk world. Either pre-Solarpunk and a group of environmentalists is taking a big company to court for what they did against the environment. Or in a Solarpunk future I could also see some former rich folks trying to bring down the Solarpunk society by trying to find loopholes in the legal system - and a group of lawyers fighting against it.

Spy Thriller: This one will depend a lot on how you construct a Solarpunk future. The easy answer here is a world in which not all of the world is solarpunk - and we basically have a cold war happening between the solarpunk state and the old world state. Works out fine.

Action-Adventure Thriller: A good chunk of the movies in these genre feature natural catastrophes. So... Uhm... An earthquake will still happen in a Solarpunk world - and people try to survive. Easy. Next?

Medical Thriller: Another easy one. There is a break out of a new pandemic. People work hard to prevent further spread. Bonus points: Here we can actually use the setting to show the advantages and the shortcomings of a Solarpunk society, that is an anarchic and socialist/communist society.

Crime Thriller: (I will say, no police, because I do not believe in Cops in Solarpunk.) Again, even though it is to be assumed that crime will go back a lot if we create an equal society, there will still be some people who will kill. And there might still be a serial killer. And there will be those, who will try to capture that serial killer. Again. Easy.

Romantic Thriller: Okay, let's face it. The romantic thriller is so watered down by now that it is "a thriller that also has a strong romantic subplot" for most of the part - rather than the romance being the source of the trilling elements. But for the sense of saying the actual "romance turning into a thriller"... Let's be honest. Even if we had a Solarpunk world in which polyamory was the norm, there would be still crimes of passion - and just plainly abusive partners. So, here my prompt: One partner in a polycule goes to a mental crisis. In the attempt to protect them, the polycule gets drawn more and more to violence.

Historical Thriller: Uhm, okay, I will leave this one out because historical and scifi setting do not quite gel xD

Political Thriller: We have a more anarchic world, but there are still some people who hold more influence, because old habits die hard. Some of them try to use political tools to get the world to revert into the old ways, just to gain more power for themselves.

Religious Thriller: Let's face it. This genre is often very close to horror. But to go with the non-supernatural way... No, I do not believe in forbidding religion in a Solarpunk future. However, there is the issue that religion will always make it easier for cults to form. So, this is the story of a young man who gets into the claws of a religious cult - but only realizes too late what he got into.

High-Tech Thriller: (Translate: SciFi Thriller) Alien, but Solarpunk. The only difference: There are in fact people trying to help. They just fail to do so.

Military Thriller: Like the spy thriller - but instead of cold war it is open war.

Psychological Thriller: I am going here with a parent who gaslights their adult child, while the adult child tries to differentiate reality from the fiction presented by said parent.

So, why did I do this?

Basically just to show you: If you really think the only story you can tell as a Solarpunk author is how the Solarpunk utopia is in fact an illusion made to paint over a corrupt system, then it is very much a skill issue. You just are not very good at telling stories.

Thankfully there is a cure for that: Consume more stories. Watch movies. Read books (or listen to audiobooks). Read comics. Watch shows. Just consume more media.

[gluion]

the book of us ➵ masterlist

non-idol!zerobaseone x afab reader (they/them)

listen closely to the stories of zb1 as they find themselves entangled in lives filled with friendships, passions, hardships, love, and of course, music!

general genre/warnings ➵ lots of fluff, some angst, expect crack, they/them pronouns <3, band au, a mix of college, fresh graduates, and highschool aus, crazy case of loserism from the zb1 guys (as it should be), music is the connecting factor <3 make sure to read every story's respective genre/warnings

additional notes ➵ stories can be read as standalones but it's highly encouraged to read through all! all previous and upcoming y/ns will be referred to as __!y/n titles and synopsis are subject to change but plots/genres are pretty set

word count ➵ projected to be 10-15k words per story under side a, 5-10k words per story under side b

a/n ➵ happy 500 followers! you cannot separate me from my zb1 guys and day6... i'm excited for this series so please send strength my way <3 i hope you guys stay seated for this series :D thank u again to @vernyangel and @shegotthewoobies for the support and helping me create this universe! always remember that reblogging helps a ton and will help me gain traction :3

want to be part of the series taglist? fill out the form! masterlist

SIDE A

TRACK 1: home is found in you ➵ kim gyuvin

when kim gyuvin is forced to volunteer at a animal shelter, the last thing he expects is to be compared to a rescued dog. (and to fall in love with you.) — strangers to lovers to exes to lovers, small town au, summer au, fluff, angst, based on “i smile” by day6

TRACK 2: the ballad of a lovestruck friend ➵ seok matthew

while everyone seems to know who seok matthew’s crush is, he refuses to reveal the identity to you. (now, why’s everyone calling you dense?) — friends to lovers, university au, fluff, based on “i like you” by day6

TRACK 3: the plotted invisible string ➵ kim taerae

if kim taerae had any regrets, it would be not asking out his first love. luckily for him, he’s got another shot now. (how’s he going to mastermind it this time?) — strangers to friends to lovers, highschool & university au, fluff, crack, based on “wanna go back” & “chocolate” by day6

TRACK 4: on (your) strings ➵ zhang hao

if there’s anything zhang hao hated, it’s double harmonics, paganini’s caprice no. 24, and the annoying viola player in orchestra. (so why can’t he stop thinking about you?) — enemies to lovers, university (master’s) au, fluff, angst, based on “i wait” by day6

TRACK 5: first day(s) on the job ➵ kim jiwoong

although kim jiwoong is set to impress his boss, he’s unlucky to be assigned with the clueless intern who seems to always cause a mess. (maybe you two wouldn’t be staying in your jobs for that long.) — strangers to lovers, workplace au, crack, fluff, angst, based on “man in a move” by day6

SIDE B

TRACK 6: eye for talent ➵ shen quanrui/ricky

as ricky plans to invest in the next big band, his eyes are set on the university crowd’s favorite bar for their breakthrough. (and the owner who always says no to him.) — strangers to lovers, university au, fluff, angst, based on “emergency” by day6

TRACK 7: lost in translation ➵ park gunwook

although park gunwook wants to make his name in underground hiphop scene, he’s set on meeting the respected, masked rapper that took the community by a storm. (it just so happens that he didn’t know he fucked up his first meeting with you.) — strangers to lovers, university au, crack, fluff, based on “what can i do?” by day6

TRACK 8: 8,000 kilometers worth ➵ sung hanbin

if there’s one thing sung hanbin wasn’t expecting, it’s being kept far away from you. (did you two have what it takes to sustain it?) — established relationship, angst, based on “about now” by day6

TRACK 9: slowly bruising but healing ➵ han yujin

han yujin’s biggest enemy is himself, but you’re here to remind him of his worth amidst a sea of criticism. (all you can hope is that he’ll listen to your voice as he hopes the same for you.) — platonic, highschool au, angst, coming-of-age, based on “marathon” by day6

taglist ➵ @kflixnet @blankjournal

[devilstruly]

I've honestly been disappointed by the lack of Johnathan Crane found family, but I would love some Jason reader platonic to cure the pain please 🥺

HOLIDAY SPIRIT

a/n - hi! i know this is probably not even close to what you wanted but it's the best i can do at the moment. it's also very short and i'm sorry about that too. i was inspired by WFA ep. 21 and tim and his clipboard competing against jay and his cut out shirt. i changed it to volleyball because i have personal beef with basketball. i hope you like it!

'Let's have a clean game this time, right, Jay?'

'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

Jason's nose scrunches up in irration when he looks away with his arms crossed, feigning innocence.

'Oh, please. We all know what you did last year. Or did you forget why I'm here instead of Tim?'

'It's not my fault Timbo is a sore loser.' He shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly, the action causing you to narrow your eyes at him.

Luke blows the whistle, signaling everyone to take their respective positions on the court. You and Jason share a look.

'You're going down, Todd.'

'Oh yeah? We'll see about that.'

'You sound confident.'

'Am I not supposed to be?'

'Fine.' You sigh, eyes glinting with mischief. 'Wanna bet?'

Jason almost rears back in shock. Almost.

'Have you met me?'

His response elicts an eyeroll from you but you push your annoyance down. The game hasn't even begun and your patience is already running thin. Not happening. Not today.

'Okay. When my team wins, I want you to let me ride your motorcycle.'

For a few seconds he thinks the idea over, then nods and extends his hand.

'Deal. And when my team wins, you'll take me on a book shopping spree.'

'Deal.'

'Are you two done yet?'

Luke's exasperated voice comes from the other side of the court.

Both of you are wearing identical expressions of determination when the first player serves the ball.

[revlischarm]

The other various outfits of Morro in Noodle Shop Ghost. Took me ages to finish this, but I’m happy with how it turned out!!

More info on the specific outfit details under the cut!

Sleepwear

- This outfit is Morro’s pajamas from the start of the series to current.

- The moons are both to represent y’know, nighttime, but also as a way of foreshadowing the Macaque connection in the later seasons.

- Morro let’s their hair down when they sleep

- The shirt text says “Great Sage Equal to Heaven” I think I hope I’m not fluent in other languages so I really pray that I got that correct. The shirt references Morro’s love of JTTW, and the character of Wukong within the book

- Morro uses face masks when he sleeps. Hey, if they have to have skin again, they wanna take care of it. Ish.

Work Uniform

- The outfit changes between seasons since Morro gets new looks, but the constants of it are the jacket and the gloves.

- Morro swaps out the hand wraps because he feels more sanitary wearing gloves. And because I feel like it would make people unsure about him handling food.

- Occasionally Morro will throw on other pants? But idk I wasn’t sure what to go with so I just did their final design clothing.

“Take Responsibility” episode

- Finally have a name for that fan episode I mentioned where Morro has a crisis!! Takes place in season 1. Thank you @randomcrapstories !!!!

- The only thing that’s different about the outfit here is the addition of the jacket, which I still haven’t decided if I want it to be a gift from MK and Mei, or Morro just straight up stole it. Still, it shows us the base design for the jacket as it appears later in the series!!

Theatre Outfit

- During the in-between point of season 3 and 4, Morro actually starts helping out Macaque with his theatre! Morro’s a stagehand; they do a lot of the special effects and such.

- This outfit is mainly just me putting Morro in cool looking clothes hehe

- It’s identical to Mac’s outfit in most ways! I changed the shoes tho, and the colors. And the patterns on the robe and sleeves are different too!

- Eyeliner because it’s fancy

Shadow Travel

- I’ve mentioned before how Morro is learning shadow magic from Macaque; the basics that Morro knows are kinda just like. Being able to hide inside of shadows, manipulating them on walls and stuff, and also those shadow portals.

- Macaque has a shadow form, and so does Morro. But this isn’t a clone form or anything, that will be its own design. This is just for like…idk. Shrouded in shadows and whatnot.

- I highlighted the two most important features of Morro in this au: the eyelashes and the scar. The scar is its own important thing; the eyelashes are just a style choice on my end.

Season 3 Lantern City Outfit

- This outfit is for that episode in season 3 with the third ring!!

- The jacket makes an appearance once again! Except now Morro has personalized it much more. Patches and pins and stuff.

- The gloves Morro has on were made by Sandy; Sandy didn’t want Morro to get cold lol.

- And ofc Morro’s markings on full display since they weren’t able to cover them in season 3

Uhhh I think that’s everything. I’m gonna do another one of these for Morro’s scrapped/bonus designs at some point too. So look forward to that!

[hanniyah]

Fantasize (A Drabble)

(You look like Wriothesley, just a female and prettier because you are beautiful! I know this is an insert, but I just wanna shift you into a character setting, yk? ANYWAYS ENJOY!)

Lover!Neuvillete x Wriothesley's younger sister!Reader

You never strayed far from your older brother, Wriothesley. That meant going with him to his meetings, some official business, and even spending time with him in the fortess when he was a inmate there.

You always dressed yourself with a robe along with a hood and a scarf, rarely showing your face so people don't get a glimpse of you. The only person who has seen your face is Wriothesley, Sigewinne, Chief Justice, and Lady Furina. You thought you were contented with keeping your identity secret, since you are shyer than most.

Keyword: Were.

It was just another fateful day in the fortress, arranging books and brewing tea down in your older brother's office as per usual.

"[Your Name]? His Grace is looking for you. He has an official meeting and he'll be departing soon," Sigewinne says, popping into the office.

You put the last book in place and stop brewing tea, "Thank you, Sigewinne. Tell him I'll be there after I transfer the tea."

Sigewinne nods and heads out. You sigh, covering yourself up and quickly preparing. Heading out and up above the surface, you see your brother waiting for you.

"Let's get a move on, shall we?" Wriothesley smiles, gesturing a hand forward.

It wasn't everyday that you were on the overworld.

Or at least as your brother knew about it.

You were there almost every evening and every minute you'd get a chance, you'd visit one of two places. One, the Opera House or the latter option–

"[Your Name], are you even listening to me? I said we're here!" Wriothesley says loudly.

Ah yes, the Palais Mermonia.

"Y-yes, sorry," You stutter, clearing your throat and heading up the steps.

As you enter, you and Wriothesley are greeted by a few guards. Morning greetings from the guards come flowing in, especially the girls who swoon over your brother.

"Good morning, your grace!" You mockingly say in your brother's ear, causing him to slap the back of your head.

A low chuckle and the sounds of footsteps come closer, "I don't think I condone violence towards each other. That wouldn't be justified in the presense of the Chief Justice."

You straighten up, seeing Neuvillete towering before you. Now this, this is the man you come see when you leave the fortress.

A secret lover if you will.

"Good morning to you as well, Monsieur Neuvillete," You beam.

As per usual, the meeting begins and you sit with the Chief Justice and the Duke as they discuss. Your eyes don't shy away from Neuvillete, why would they?

He's one of the most gorgeous men that you've seen.

You find yourself spacing out, just admiring the wonderful man who sits in front of you as he discusses with your older brother. Neuvillete's eyes look away to gaze at yours for a moment.

Oh, the way he looks at you makes you feel so warm. You fantasize about this everynight, you'd give everything to him. And he'd do the same for you.

Soon enough, the meeting ends.

Although, that didn't mean you weren't coming back later.

----------------☆

Once almost everyone in the fortress fell asleep, you snuck up to the lift so you could head up into the overworld. You no longer had to hide your face, so you changed into a dress you knew Neuvillete adored on you.

With your long, fluffy hair down, black and red dress with silver accents, and your frosty blue eyes shimmering in the bright moonlight, you felt more confident than ever. You sneak into Neuvillete's office, finding him standing by the window.

"You're finally here, my darling," He smiles softly.

You come up to him, a cheeky grin also plastered on your delicate face, "Miss me already?" You tease.

A gentle laugh escapes from his lips, "I suppose I did."

Just those words sent you running into his arms, hugging him tight. You didn't need words to say how much you miss him everyday, just this gesture was enough. His arms also squeeze you in closer, resting his chin on your head and inhaling the scent of your [Favourite scent] scented hair.

After a long time, you both pull away and Neuvillete gently grabs your chin, having you look up at him.

"I love you," He whispers, his lips nearing yours.

You didn't need to say anything for what happened next. His lips were on yours and yours on his.

It was gentle, smooth, passionate.

His arms wrap around your waist, pulling you close. The hydro dragon's gloved hands do get a bit...touchy, but you don't seem to mind. Not at all. The touches were so firm yet so warm, it made your insides feel mushy and soft.

You entangle your fingers with the Chief Justice's snow white hair, pulling him closer. He didn't pull away, no, he wanted closer.

Nothing mattered at the moment, not even the thundering footsteps coming from outside the door.

Suddenly, the doors to Neuvillete's office burst open. It was Wriothesley, "Neuvillete! My baby sister! She's gone and I checked everywhere in the fortress!– Woah."

Your brother's sudden burst in was embarrassing but also kind of funny.

Wriothesley slowly backs away, "I'll leave for now. But I'll need the tea later," The Duke smirks, "And I'm not just talking about the drink."

<3

(Sorry, this isn't proof read–)

[prettymrswright]

Lockdown.

pairing: koffee!singer x black!fem choreographer/artist

content: fluff, barely angst, innuendos, a lot of patois (Koffee is from Spanish Town, she has a strong JA accent), mentions of God/spirituality, artistry, choreography, flashbacks.

background: you had been spending quite a lot of time with the reggae artist after meeting her at a Reggae Fest a few months back. as time went by, the two of you grew closer, but in attempt to keep up your guard and protect yourself, you pulled back. the artist didn’t like that too much, and def used she would double down on her interest. she wasn’t letting you go that easy.

a/n: to this day, there are not Koffee fics to be found so guess who’s here to change that like the manifestor human design that I am?? ME! i unintentionally made this character almost identical to me.. by accident. there are so many things about y/n in this book that is my true life story lmaooo.

I’m gone try to insert some translations here and there, even though patois is still english, I know some things are harder to comprehend. But it’s important I insert it because 1, it’s sexy and 2, I like to maintain accuracy. hope unnu like it. <3

translations:

deh - there

yah - here

nuff - a lot, plenty

dung - down

guh - go

unnu - you (plural, like you guys/ y’all)

dem - plural, noun (i.e friend dem (friends) )

pan/pon - on

guh - go

suh - so or how (A suh you feel? That’s how you feel?)

dolly - slang for attractive girl/woman

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LOCKDOWN PART 2!

"Okay sexy!" Your friend and fellow artist, Sabirah-Amani paraded your ear with praises and hype as you checked yourself out in your hotel mirror. You had been working for the past few months, project after project, and although you were grateful, you were two hops and a skip away from burnout. Between choreographing for artists and late nights in the studio in hopes of being your own artist, you hadn't much left to give. You were very clearly overextending yourself in all areas. You were ambitious and focused, precise about your work; You're an artist, and you were sensitive about your shit! However, you were beginning to neglect yourself emotionally and spiritually. You and Sabi came to the mutual decision that a vacation was much needed. The two of you spent the week catching appointments, pampering and refreshing your appearance. You give a small giggle before looking at her briefly and mimicking a hair-flipping motion. "Look you," She continues in her trini-yunese accent. "In short ting. All yuh collarbone outside." The two of you erupted in laughter. "And all of Jamaica will continue to see my collarbone, okay?" you responded, still laughing. Ochi was so beautiful. It was full of sights and bashments and raves and just beautiful people having a beautiful time. For a reason unbeknownst to you, everything out of Jamaica just resonated with you and held your heart so deeply. It had been your first morning in JA, and as expected, the sun was blazing. The bright sun and tropical breeze shone through your plexiglass balcony doors. You and Sabi were going to get breakfast as well as check out the rest of the hotel. A cocoa-beige brown triangle bikini set hugged your body, overlapped with a long, knitted skirt of the same color. A white, knitted long-sleeved cropped coverup laid baggy over your toned arms. Your feet rested in some rhinestone encrusted strap sandals. Your hair was braided in cornrows falling right above the dip in your lower back , swirl designs in every direction. It was entirely too hot for a full beat, so your fresh lash set was holding you down. "You ready to go?" You asked. "Let's do it. " Sabi replied, and with that, you were out of the room and off to the lobby.

After getting off the elevator, the two of you walked through the lobby to reach where you would be having breakfast at. After filling up your plates at the buffet, you took a seat in the far corner of the restaurant, a clear view of the beach across from you. "I know we just got here and everything but," Sabi started. "I kinda wanna jump into the vibes tonight." "Um absolutely, that was the plan from jump," You say in sort of a 'duh' tone. "But I know you need your rest. You know, some unwinding time." She says concerningly. Sabi was always looking out for you in that way, it was one of her greatest assets as a friend. "Girl, mi neva come a Jamaica fi lie dung. I got another week and a half to rest!" You say in a comedic way, but you meant it. You were already starting to feel better being in a newer and fresher feeling environment. Rest would come, but right now? Vibes. "Okay, okay!" Sabi laughed in a hearty manner. "Yo you and this Patois accent, knowing you not even Jamaican is frying me." You playfully rolled your eyes. It was true. You were in love with all things of different cultures, so each one you immersed yourself in, you began to pick up. Growing up in NY, all you were around were Caribbean people, so it wasn't out of the ordinary for you. "Speaking of Jamaicans," Sabi began, and somehow, you knew what direction this was going in. "When's the last time you spoke to Mikayla?" "Who?" You lie, lazily spooning through your bowl of porridge. "Mikaylaaaa, Mikayla, Koffee, Big bad reggae artist from Spaintown, Jamaica, your woman--" She goes into a rampage and you cut her off. "Alrightttt, alright, alright. I get it" You rush her to end her tangent, hoping no one around you guys heard. "I don't know.. March?" You say, voice dying down at the end in cowardice. "MARCH?" Sabi's draw drops. "Y/N..it's June." A guilty expression washed over you. "I know, Sabi." "Why you duckin' her?" Sabi cocks up her left eyebrow and leans forward, curious to hear your answer. "I--" You drop your utensil in audacity. "Why you assume it was me?" "Girl, please okay. She was on your ass like back pockets at that Roc Nation Brunch. We both know you're Miss Ghost Town." Sabi says reading you for filth, pulling an accidental laugh out of you.

“I mean, she’s a big artist, she could have anyone she wants.” You shrug. “Her not hearing from me is barely putting a dent in her life plans.”

The truth was, prior to your disappearance, you two were becoming closer by the minute. You really liked Koffee. And with that, your body began to do that thing that it does when you’re about to be fully consumed by that feeling of infatuation. It wasn’t so much the idea of a relationship that you were scared of, but more-so of the uncertainty of its stability. Koffee was now an international artist, who meets thousands of people every day. You knew how it was in the industry, you were in it. It was one thing to really like someone, but to like someone in the entertainment industry was like setting yourself up for heartbreak. And you had entirely too much on your plate to go through that shit again.

“Who reached out last?” She asks.

“.. Her.” You say in a “so” type of tone.

“Mm.” She responds, strategically setting up her “aha” statement. “And who gave who an unlimited backstage pass for all her shows, in ANY city?”

“…her.” your defeated responses began to get smaller.

“And who—“ you cut her off, in attempts to stop the physically pain of her being right.

“Okay, okay, damn,” you laugh. “But you know how that shit go, Sav. One minute she thinks she wanna be with me and the next, she’s in some European country, with who knows, doing God knows what.��

“Uh, uh.” She says in disapproval. “Now you know she ain’t hunching with no white women.”

You burst into laughter. She could always tie something together comedically while simultaneously giving you the real.

“It don’t hurt to just say wassup, Y/N/N. I mean besides, when’s the last time you had any ‘fun’. Let loose a lil. If anyone needs to, it’s you.” Sab says, voice full of concern, but direction.

You looked off outside the window, pondering on her message. You missed her dearly. Who were you trying to fool? I mean maybe you were a little harsh. She didn't really give you any reason to be. Sure you'd seen some photo ops with her and other female artists, but that was her job. You didn't like the feeling it gave you though. When you look back towards Sabirah and her now empty plate, she was smiling at her phone. "And who exactly got you smiling like that?" You ask, now shining the figurative spotlight on her. "Oh it's nobody for real," She waved off. "Nobody huh," You chuckle. "What nobody say?" "Well actually, Nobody is gonna be at this party tonight that I planned on dragging you too." "Party?" You say frowning. "With all these white folks? Since when you wanna go to a resort party." "Oh girl, be so for real," She says scoffing. "My cousin JJ and his girlfriend are here at her family house, and they're throwing a bashment, off the resort." Your eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. You were actually ecstatic to be getting into some real vibes off the resort. I mean, truly you had no real complaints, after all, you were in Jamaica. But country had the homegrown, feel good energy you were dying to be around. It was more authentic. "See now, that's what I'm talking about!" The two of you embraced in a dap across the table. "How we getting there?" "You ever been on a dirt bike before?" Sabi asks sincerely, yet you think she's joking. "What?!" ꨄ︎ Night begins to fall and as you and Sabi make your way out of the resort, a warm breeze surrounds your body. You two are greeted by JJ and his friend, Dwayne, and hop on the back of their blue and green dirt bikes. You wrap your arms around Dwayne's torso, tightly shut your eyes, say a small prayer and with a loud rev, you pull off into the rocky roads. When you finally gain to courage to open your eyes, you're blown away by how beautiful the scenery was. The hue of the sunset was mixed with orange, pink and purple, and tall trees took space along the sides of the open road. Each refreshing breath you took smelled like rain-bathed plants, summer and adventure. As a result of the fast-paced vehicle moving swifter and in the opposite direction of breeze flow, your braids flew past you forwardly. You couldn't help but to smile, in awe of all the beauty around you. "Woooo! JAMAICA WE REACH!" Sabi yells, cheers carrying across the sky, 80-mph. You beamed at her enthusiasm. Truth be told, you were just as excited. 20 minutes later, you pull into a backyard seemingly as big as 1/3 of the island. You were nowhere near the DJ booth, but you could feel the bass bumping through your entire body. If it weren't for the spacious area, you'd be packed like sardines. Everybody from the parish you were in were in attendance. Men dressed in their straight jeans, belts and button downs, marinas and cut-up shorts; most with spliffs in hand. Women in their mesh top and shorts, mini skirts, mini dresses, heels and bamboos, nails done and hair laid to the gods. This definitely wasn't the event to come looking regular. The aroma of seasonings and a burning grill slithered through your nose canal, causing you to avert your attention behind you, where hot plates of food and alcoholic drinks were being given out to the people in the line. It was definitely a vibe. "Ayeee allyuh mek it!" Sabi's cousin JJ comes and greets us both with a hug. "I saved two plates for y'all, cuz if it was any later, you'd be chewing your lip." You all erupt in laughter. "Omg J," you began. "You're the literal best because I am starving." "No sweat," JJ throws his hands up, emphasizing the 'no big deal.' "Your plates are in the fridge in the kitchen. Shelly's mom is holding it down, so you don't gotta worry about nobody theifing it." "Thanks Knucklehead," Sabi pinches his ear.

"Ouch! Remind me, I ent doing anyting nice fa yuh no more, yuh could starve!" JJ says to Sabi, rubbing his pinched ear.

"yUh couLd sTarVE!" Sabi mocks him. The two of them couldn't get along for more than 5 minutes, but it was always love behind their quarrel.

"Well look at you twooo!" JJ's girlfriend, Shelley approaches you with beaming smiles and open arms.

"Hot gyal Shells!" Sabi starts. "It's been a long time."

"Naa tell no lie! When JJ told me you two were visiting a resort so close by, I had to pull you for at least one night." Shelley says holding both you and Sabi's hands individually.

"Your home is beautiful Shells." You sincerely confess. "Thank you for the invite. Look at the turnout! You doing your big one."

"Thank you, babydoll. You know you're welcome absolutely any time. And I gotta put my ex party-promoting skills to some use!" Shelley replies.

Shelley threw crazy parties back in the day. She always was hosting, and was sure to not only bring in a crowd, but a GOOD one. Amongst many talents, she had the gift of gab for sure. She also always had artists in her venues. From Spice to Konshens, Shenseea to Aidonia. Everyone knew Shelley.

"I know that's right. Besides, I was getting tired of the resort food." Sabi says honestly, making us chuckle. The food was still good, but definitely a watered down version.

"Well!" Shelley clasps her hands together. "Dolly nuh come a party fi hug up pan wall. Unnu guh dance!"

"Don't nobody wanna dance with Paula the Preying Mantis." JJ teases Sabi, bending his arms up like the insect.

"Shut up, JJ!" Sabi says, giving his shoulder a hard nudge.

"Leave Sabi alone." Shelley follows up with a back-handed slap over his other shoulder. "I ain't wanna dance with you when we met. I just felt bad."

"Ohhhhhhh..." You and Sabi both say simultaneously, gagged by the way she just read him.

"Now why you had to go there? You ain't ha-" JJ began and Shelley cooed, half consoling him, half mocking. You and Sabi laugh your way all the way to the middle of the backyard, where the bulk of the party was.

You took in the scene around you and allowed yourself to get lost in the music. Sean Paul & Sasha’s I’m Still In Love with You is pouring out of the speakers and into your ears, filling you with nostalgia. You begin to rock side to side and slow whine your hips. It was definitely a bittersweet feeling. This was one of the songs you danced to at Reggae Music Fest with— her. You missed her. But she could’ve reached out right? You know, besides the 3 times she did already, that you were seemingly to busy for? That didn’t mean give up!

You and Sabi spun each other around and shared some whines and some laughs. You truly felt at peace for the first time in such a long time. You broke away for Sabi for one minute, and the next, she had a new dancing partner. You smiled at the interaction, and before you could really take it in, somebody approached you to dance with you as well.

“Excuse me likkle miss,” A tall, brownskin man with locs down his back approached you with a smooth, but respectful hand on your waist. “Beg yuh a dance nuh?” He smiled, showing off his fanged teeth.

He wanted to dance. Why not? You were out there to enjoy yourself. And at least you know the two of you could dance and that be it. It’s not like he was your type anyway— (obviously). What was truly the harm?

You gave him a smile, accepting his request & began to dance with him. Long before you knew it, you were dancing to another song with him. The man knew how to move. And he smelled phenomenal. Your moment was disturbed, however, when you began to notice two men in the far, right corner of the yard staring at you. And not in the admiring way; it was almost as if they were discussing you. Like they knew you from somewhere. The guy obviously felt it too.

“Yuh know dem from someweh?” He asks, semi-concerned. You just gave him a confused head shake, no.

“Yow yow yow, people, if yuh a enjoy yuhself tonight, mek some bloodclat noiseee!” The dj scratched and lowered the track to speak, and the crowd erupted.

“Outside nice, man. Good weather, sexy ladies, hot tunes. If a Jamaica yuh come from and yuh proud of it, buss a blank!” He continues.

Gun finger emotes fill the sky, followed by mimicked gunshot noises.

“This next song yah is fi all a di people dem weh love the Caribbean.”

Soon as the song begins, you feel your heart drop to your stomach and you’re adrenaline begin to rush.

Balenciaga 'pon me structure

Who them talk, push get the duck yah

I-i-i-io!

Everybody begins to cheer and holler to the feel good song.

It was West Indies.

West Indies was your favorite song by Koffee. It was such a feel good song, and you were there while she was constructing it. You knew it was close to her heart. She had even asked for your input. You encouraged her to push it out and make it a single. You knew the people would love it just as much as you did. And they did.

You felt yourself begin to get emotional, but you stopped the tears from advancing their welled-up position behind your lower lids. You migrated away from the main section, simply to avoid being asked to dance again. Not to this song. Too personal.

Sabi found you in the crowd and shot you a look of sympathy. “You okay?” she mouthed. You gave a closed lip smile and nodded. You decided to go get a drink and take some edge of. As bothered as you were, you still loved the song.

“One rum and pineapple, please.” You ask tell the lady serving drinks. You know you don’t have to pay anything, but you slip her a $10 anyway.

The mixed beverage slides down your throat and coaxes your nerves and you begin to let loose.

Coming from the West Indies

And you know say we giving them the best indeed

Anyweh we deh, we do a flex 'pon street

And the stylе weh we do no moderatе stampede

As you sway back and forth, cup in hand, approaching tipsy, you see a group of girls walking by, double-taking your face and your frame. They then begin whispering. All you could make out was “Koffee” and “Girl”.

Alright. What the fuck was going on?

You tried your hardest to ignore it, returning to your state of groove. As the chorus began to approach, the dj lowered the music once again.

“Alright everybody, mek some noise and big up Koffee!!!”

You froze. Immediately. Ironically when all you wanted to do was melt into the ground.

She was here. Of course she was.

And there she stood. In her black tank, showing between her opened and collared olive green button down, with olive green straight pants to match. She stood in black clarks. Her toffee brown skin being complimented by gold chains and gold bangles. Her medium-long locs held back in a hair tie in a loose bun.

Damn. She always looked good. But she would be looking her absolute best when you’ve been semi-dodging her.

If you know me, I'm having the time of my life

Don't you slow me down, beg you pardon me

I wanna just party (yeah)

I wanna just, I wanna just

I wanna just party (yeah)

I wanna just party, yeah

She walked back and forth the backyard stage, she captured the entire audience and held them hostage with her stage presence. If you weren’t in such a state of shock, you’d be in awe too. She was alluring in that way.

Sabi looked back at you from the crowd with wide, just-as-shocked-as-you-are eyes. Koffee spotted her and followed her gaze, making eye contact with you. There she stood, taking you in. Almost immediately, she gives you a warm expression with soft eyes and a wide smile, showing off her braces. A couple people looked back to see who or what she was looking at; others continued to vibe.

Instantly you felt your body heat up, and you failed an attempted fight not to smile back. You missed her, and she looked great, but you couldn’t help but feel guilty for letting so much time go by. However, something was telling you that she wasn’t phased very much. Seeing her up there in her element, you couldn't help but to think back to when the two of you first met at Reggaefest. She had been on the rise, heavy in the media, and the crowd was absolutely losing it. She had amazing stage presence. She wasn't too harmful on the eyes either. She went right after Lila Ike, who's dancers you choreographed. Koffee and her dancers walked up to the end of the stage and took a collaborated bow, hand in hand. Thank you Reggae Sumfest! You sat sideline, watching in awe. Her set was amazing.

Not to mention she wasn’t too hard on the eyes either. She had on a pair of light blue shorts, accented with white lines, a plain white tee, a blue fitted and AF1’s that looked like she bought them right before this set. Neck and wrists laced with that Caribbean gold. Her skin was glowing and glistening, sweat parading the circumference of it. Her locs were out, falling and standing right beneath her shoulders. With her team following, she walked and exited stage right, where you had been standing. She looked at you, and your rose your hands to clap for the artist, giving a closed-lip smile. She stopped in front of you gave you a small bow and a smile, appreciating your acknowledgement. You killed it, are you kidding?

A dat yuh seh?! She exclaims and smiles brightly. Respect, respect mama, thank you. Her speaking voice was just astonishing as her singing voice. The accent wasn’t making it any better either. What's your name? Y/N. She hummed at the sound of your name and repeats it. Y/N. I saw you and your dancers dem inna Lila's rehearsal. You have nuff talent. I'm a fan honestly. You scoffed in disbelief, shrugging off the compliment. Oh please. If any one should be a fan, it's me. Well I'd love if you came by one of the rehearsals. Y-you want me to choreograph? Absolutely. She stood trying to read your expression. Not sure if you were happy about the idea. I mean if yuh nuh want to, yuh nuh have to-- No I'd love to. Cool. She smiled brightly. Gimmi yuh numba and mi wi sen yuh all e details dem. If that's ok with you, of course. Yes of course. She takes out her phone and you type in your information. "Y/N." It was nice meeting you officially, Koffee. You can call me Mikayla. The pretty girls nuh have to call me by fi mi stage name. She throws you and wink and walks off to meet back up with her crew. If you weren't a professional at work and if you didn't have any morals, your clothes would be off. You felt your cheeks warm-up and you began to smile against your will. Not knowing this job opportunity would lead into a far more deeper connection.

You came back to reality, visited with a bittersweet feeling of a fond but seemingly distant memory. How did you get here?

She performed a few more songs before making her way off stage to navigate through the crowd and do her rounds with all her people. Panicked seized you as you ran to grab your friend.

“We gotta go, neowwww” You grab Sabi’s arm and begin tugging her away from whoever she had been dancing with and towards the direction you so desperately wanted to go in.

“N-now? But we just got here!” She replies in a semi-whiney tone. You in fact had been there for a couple of hours.

“Yes now— JJ! You ready?” You ask him.

“You ready to go?” He whisper-mouths. You nod & he takes a small sip of his red-stripe beer, taps his friends next to him and off you guys were.

As the two of you approached the resort again, a feeling of relief washed over you. You were somewhat disappointed that you let your anxiety take over you, but at least you left before you were confronted. And you knew you would be.

You hug the boys and thank them before walking in and heading up to your room.

“That party was active, wasn’t it Sab?” you say, walking in, somewhat telling the truth. somewhat deflecting.

“Yeah, until you busted it, party pooper.”

You drop your jaw and gasp, fake taken aback as if you didn’t know what she was referring to. “Whaaat? me? What did I do?”

“wHaT dId i Do!?” she mocked you. “You chickened out on the vibes cuz your girlfriend came and you dodging her.”

“I did not! And she is not my girlfriend.” You start picking things up around y’all room and tidying up, needing something to focus you.

“Nah, Y/N/N, you on some wack shit right now, I won’t even front.”

She wasn’t wrong. If she did want to talk, what was the harm? She didn’t even do anything to you. But what if she hated you? And now you made it even worse, because she SAW you and you ran. She probably thinks you’re dodging her. But aren’t you? You desperately wished you would get it together.

“I mean what was I supposed to do?” You turned to face her.

“I don’t know, maybe talk to her? I mean what you think she gone say, marry me?” She semi-chuckled.

“K likes you, a lot. I can tell. And I think she’d be really good for you. But you gotta believe that you deserve it. Don’t let your overthinking cause her to slip out of your hands.”

You chewed at your bottom lip in thought, pondering on all of the different ways the night could’ve went. You always did this. Self-sabotage, and then beat yourself up over it. It was starting to get old, even for you.

“Imma let you sit with that. I’ll be back, I’mma hit the bar down in the lobby. Get me another lil drinky-drink, okayyy!” She says grabbing her things and you playfully roll your eyes.

“What? Okay don’t look at me like that, your night is over, not mine!” You give a hefty laugh, and slightly nudge her. You do your signature handshake, and she’s off.

Quickly after she unlocks the door with her key and runs back in.

“Almost forgot my hand fan. You know that liquor coat get serious. K bye love you!” And she’s out again. You laugh to yourself. That girl could drink.

You continue tidying up, even though there’s not much to tidy. But any form of cleaning/organizing grounded you, and now in this moment, you needed nothing more but to be grounded.

You were on your way to sit down when there was a subtle knock at your door. Leave it to Sabi to have forgotten something.

You walked up to the door, unlocked it, and began opening it. “What’d you forget this time S—“

Startled, you jump at the sight of who was actually standing before you.

“M-Mikayla?”

“Oh, so you do know who I am?” She says tauntingly, letting herself in. You close the door behind her, eyes following her movements, still in shock.

“I was starting to think seh yuh did forget about me eno?” And she flashes that smile again.

“How did you find me?” You ask sincerely, feeling sort of turned-on, not that you would admit it.

“The gyal who Sabi cousin deh wid told me you’d be here.” Shelley. I should’ve known. It was no coincidence that out of all people, Koffee would be performing there when I was. It started to click. This was a collaborative effort from Sabi and Shelley.

You gave an exhausted sigh as you prepared to plead your innocence. “Look, K, I didn’t mean to run off how I did I j—“

“Oh so you weren’t dodging me then?” She pries, stepping closer to you, waiting to see if you’d lie.

“I-i mean, no. Well, not on purpose.” You half tell the truth. She wasn’t satisfied with that answer.

“Oh suh yuh dweet fi accident?” She gives a sarcastic laugh. Your cheeks were burning with embarrassment, and for once, you wish it was from sunburn and not your own shame.

“I just thought..” You paused, debated telling her the truth or not. Awaiting your answer, she folds her arms across her chest and raises her eyebrows.

You decided to give in. She went through all this trouble.

“I don’t know, I ain’t really think you’d be checking for me like that. You know, with everything you got going on.”

Sheepishly, you looked down at your feet, fidgeting with your bracelet, ironically, the one she brought back for you on your second date. She looks down at it, giving a small, satisfied smirk, thankfully feeling not totally closed off from you like she almost thought.

“A mi tell yuh dat?”

You shook your head no.

“So you assumed,” She began. “I mean which part mek yuh feel like seh I wasn’t ‘checking’ for you?” She lightly mocked. “The repeated calls, or the double-triple texts?”

You chuckled bitterly at her sarcasm, and also at the fact that you couldn’t pin her to be wrong.

“If yuh nuh interested anymore,—“ She began and you couldn’t stomach her even continuing that thought.

“No, no.” You quickly interrupted her. You gave a heap of sigh before you would began to be totally honest with both her and yourself at the same time.

“I like you. I really fucking like you. And that’s the problem. You’re charming, you’re charismatic.. you fine…” you say trailing off that last part, making her laugh heartily.

“You have such a big heart. And if I, as the tough cookie and critic that I am can fall for you, I know girls all around the world are. I’d be lying if I said the thought of that didn’t make me ragingly jealous, but I also like you so much, that I don’t wanna deprive you of that opportunity. There could be someone far better for you out there. You could meet her tomorrow, hell, you could’ve met her already. See i’m all over the place and I—“

“Y/N.” She gently grabs your elbow and gives it a tug to bring you closer. “I appreciate your interest in my well-being. But mi neva ask yuh fi do dat, baby.”

“I chose you fi a reason. If mi really felt like seh a somebody better out deh fi mi, mi woulda neva run down yuh phone.” You laugh at her comedic delivery.

“I’m not perfect, but when mi love somebody mi love deep. A you mi want, and I knew that then and I know that now. All mi ask of you is to put it a likkle effort.”

She raises her hand to wipe the couple of tears that began to fall from your eyes. When you finally looked up at her, all you could do was nod. Nobody had ever went these lengths to show you that they cared before, and it meant so much that the person who was doing so was someone you considered your best friend. Mikayla knew you like the back of her hand. She could pull you out of any mood and place you in a better one, no matter the circumstance. And right now in this moment you felt so safe and so seen. And all you could think about was how silly you had been acting, and how silly it would be to let her go.

“Don’t cry baby.” She pulled you close to her and held you tight.

“I-i’m sorry for n-not answering you I—“ You let your vulnerability take over, and she consoled you before you could even get it out.

“Yuh nuh have to explain to me. Just mind yuh nuh pull away from me like that again, y’hear?” She pulls your chin up to her, switching her gaze between both of your eyes.

You lean into her and the two of you share a kiss. A pair of lips you have been longing to feel and haven’t felt in months. Instantly you felt a rush of emotions, all of which you felt when the two of you first met.

“Cuz mi need. All. of dis. yah love yah.” She repeatedly pecked you between each fragment, making you giggle into her lips.

“Okaaay, okay!” You say fake fighting her off. Truthfully you couldn’t think of anywhere else you’d rather be. You wrapped your arms around her neck and hoisted yourself up, locking your legs around her waist. You missed this feeling. You missed her. But you don’t know peace. Not yet.

“.. So who was that girl on stage who was tryna dance with you?” You playfully start an argument.

“Oh nuh start yuh fuckry, Y/N please.” She laughs and carries you out to the next room. And the two of you fall into each other all over again.

[majimasleftasscheek]

Honestly if it’s ok I would like to hear your thoughts on Kazumi? I’m having brain rot at the idea of Kiryu being a drag queen or gender-fluid and there’s like no one talking about it and I just wanted to know how you’d picture it because your goromi headcanon is just so well thought out- if this is a weird question or a hard one to answer I’m sorry it’s my first time doing this-

no worries, I LOVE talking about good shit like this 👀

SO KAZUMI

I don't particularly see her as genderfluid like I do Goromi but!! I do see her as a drag identity, just not as bold as the former.

Kazumi in a sense is very much how I interpret Goromi - that being she's pretty much the same dude but now in a wig but with a few changes.

she'd for sure have a Kiryu-esque seriousness to dressing up as in treating it like some kind of mission than a more casual thing. she'd have to be reminded like yo this ain't a substory, you can put your lipstick on without the concentration of someone fighting for their life.

in a way being Kazumi is a sort of break for Kiryu. he HAS to chill out and it's rough at first but eventually he's like okay, this is okay, I can just be

she's even more quiet and reserved than Kiryu already is, preferring to be left alone. it's a mix of not exactly knowing how to feel in drag and general internalized embarrassment so she's not up to being social about it. there's certainly an uncharacteristic lack of confidence on her part and needs a bit of encouragement to really feel like she isn't looking ridiculous.

Kiryu seems like, a by the book type of guy, due to his upbringing and general way he carries himself, so putting on drag is very alien to him. like, he can certainly see other people doing it. but himself? wild. that said, he's bold and fairly immune to what people think of him but something about being Kazumi, for a good chunk of time, is very intimate, especially if he's around people he knows.

when she's with people she trusts, that's when she starts having a good time, maybe even being a lil bombastic then immediately covering her mouth when she laughs too loud. but if her present company comforts her, she'll be happy to let slip a more excitable version of herself. it helps knowing that, for the time, she's just someone else and that someone else can do whatever the fuck they want. it's even better that few people would recognize her, let alone even think a guy like Kiryu is Kazumi at first glance.

Kazumi is a bit of a tease, a bit more sensual. not flagrantly obvious but it's there, with the way she sways her hips and looks at you with those beautiful eyes™ that say everything and anything you wanna hear. Kiryu's a very reactive type of guy, doing this and that because of something else. Kazumi however takes the initiative in little ways as a measure of testing her own waters, as to do something Kiryu probably wouldn't unless provoked. Kazumi has no goals, she lives in the moment and wants to enjoy it on her own terms.

dresses in colors very much like her usual suit (red, gray, white). will be super self conscious about her ass hanging out in short dresses and if you come at her with the 'but you don't mind if you're wearing a fundoshi?' and you can literally see the gears turning in her head.

not super great at fighting in heels (compared to Goromi) so she's not pulling crazy moves or running around. she prefers beast mode and the graceful art of blunt force trauma to play keep-away

KAZUMAJI TIME I'm unwell

so the way Kiryu interacts with Goromi is SO important to me and it's equally just as important for my thoughts on Kazumi so you'll see a lot of parallels here.

Majima is MAD horny for Kazumi it's unreal. impressively brainrotted even by goblin standards. partly because it's very exciting to see Kiryu prettied up and partly because he can just see the ✨ gender ✨ radiating off of Kazumi even if it's not as much of a gender thing for her as it is for Majima. he gets that chest tight sort of happy seeing Kiryu try something so important to him.

definitely shows his love via gift giving and physical affection. Kazumi's not big on gifts in general because it's embarrassing so she has to often convince him to just take her out for a good time and that's fine enough. for her, the affection is more important than anything and she'll admit, she likes to be wooed

I have to include Haruka cuz how can I not 🥺 she definitely helps out with makeup and hair. it's not perfect but she's the only person Kazumi will not squirm around for. Kazumi will sit still a little for Majima/Goromi to help out but she's gonna complain about it the whole time.

every minute Majima's not hanging onto Kazumi like she's his trophy wife is another minute he dies inside. he makes it an event to let everyone know he's got the hottest girl in town and it makes Kazumi feel pretty damn good.

Kiryu knows he's hot as hell so that extends to Kazumi as well—small crowds preferably though. despite enjoying a bit of attention, she still prefers plenty of alone time. there is significant anxiety for her to be the center of attention either because someone might recognize her or because things going to shit is just how Kiryu's life tends to go.

she lovesss getting a rise out of Majima, especially if they're in a place he has to behave. since he's her biggest fan, she does like a good bit of ordering him around, often to the point he's actually irritated but that's just part of the game for them, being smug heathens @ each other. I'm a goblin for possessiveness and jealously so throw in a bit of that for flavor 😏

I have a Kazumi x Majima fic where she's very dommy mommy and he's a meek lil worm and I think that's a sign of nature healing.

BIG fluffy Goromi interactions, they're very affectionate together and Goromi's just so giddy to have Kazumi go out with her. she will however bite people's fingers if they so much as wave in Kazumi's direction. the excitement from Goromi does help stave off Kazumi's own insecurities.

being with Goromi does give Kazumi a bit of perspective she otherwise wouldn't really understand as Kiryu. I can see her having one of her typical "wow, people sure do live differently than I do and I've gained more respect for such things" sorta deal lol. basic stuff but significant to those around her.

[inkabelledesigns]

I know I'm posting a day late here, but Happy Birthday Bendy! February 10th, 2024 marks the 7 year anniversary of when Bendy and the Ink Machine came out. And boy, has it been a wild ride. Normally I would reserve this for my Bendy sideblog, @angelofthepage , but I'm posting it here because this is where I started years ago, and I want some of those people who don't see that blog to have a chance to see this. Because you guys are a part of this story.

In about three months, seven years ago, I was in finals hell, working through my process book for my packaging design class in one of the dorm lounges while my roommate had taken the room for herself again. And the only thing keeping me sane was putting Can't Be Erased and Build Our Machine on loop as I worked. BATIM only had two chapters out, and I didn't know everything about it, but I was so intrigued by what its deal was. I took one look at Sammy Lawrence and I wanted to know everything about him. Something about this barely started game, the idea of your characters coming to life to kill you, it thrilled me, intrigued me. It was something I was really afraid of, being so attached to my characters and putting so much of my identity in my art. And while the story isn't really all that much about cartoons themselves being alive, it gave me something else that ended up changing my life.

Over that summer, I would become obsessed, and for the first time in years, I let myself be a fangirl again. And maybe one day I'll pull up the timeline and tell you how it all went down. But right now, after all the celebrating of yesterday, I just wanna take a moment to appreciate the last seven years. All the people I've met, all the friends I've made. All the experiences we've had together, big and small. Some have been incredibly close, and others have been people I still smile about whenever I see them on my feed, even if we're not all doing stuff in the same fandom anymore. There's some people I've fallen out of touch with that I likely won't ever see again that I miss. There's some I'll be lucky if I never see again. There's the official voice actors for Dark Revival, which I've had the pleasure of working with on community things here in the fandom. I regularly moderate their livestreams (or Lovestreams as we call them) where they sign prints and interact with us fans (and sometimes I'm tech support, once an ink machine technician, always an ink machine technician xD). I'm honored to call a lot of them my friends, we've had some truly wonderful conversations. I've spent a lot of time in a variety of servers, trying to uplift people and make for a positive fandom experience for everyone, fans old and new. Sometimes it lands me in interesting places, like helping out over on the Inky News channel. The host, Brandon, invited me over to guest star on his anniversary stream yesterday, and in the past I've been fortunate enough to showcase my art on two of his interviews, one with Dave Rivas and one with Adrienne Kress. Sometimes it lands me on fun projects, like working on a fan game, and for the first time it's not as a voice actor! I'm a writer. I've had my work uplifted in turn too, meeting people who value me for me and also cheer me on when I try new things (sometimes entirely new mediums like doll customizing). I got my first helpful constructive critique in this fandom, and it was something I ASKED for. That is a huge personal milestone! I have a really complex and twisty set of feelings about critique, and finally, I feel better, because someone helped me start to unravel that just by being themselves and being thoughtful. It's inspired me to want to be better in how I handle critique and problem solving with others.

I spent so much of my life putting my self worth in other people's hands. I thought I would never be good enough to have friends who didn't treat me like garbage. I thought I'd never be a good artist in any sense of the word either. But I was wrong. I've grown. I'm valued, I'm wanted. I don't have to hide parts of myself to be desirable. Sometimes being the silly, goofy, fangirl that is Kat is enough. My art is enough, my ideas are enough, my flavor is tasty, and I am a goddamn treat. And after so many years of not knowing that, I'm glad I finally do. And it's all because of the people. It wasn't ever that my flavor was bad, it's that I hadn't found people with a taste for it yet. Bendy's greatest gift was giving me a fresh start, a chance to meet new people, good people, and for that, I'm forever grateful. Even though things have changed, I'm glad I met each and every one of you, you all taught me something valuable along the way, and I think about those experiences we shared often.

I won't lie to you, I've been rather frustrated with Bendy lately. And I think a lot of it has to do with the games not truly having grown with me. At some point our paths deviated, and there are elements of what's come and what's coming that are getting away from what really enticed me about the very first entry, the things I valued most in it. But in some ways, analyzing that has led me to figure out what made that first game so special. It was human. It was a character focused game, and each of the characters, while vague, gave us just enough about themselves that we could feel for them, get invested, imagine, maybe even sympathize. Everyone is a tragedy, but they're all different flavors of tragedy. And it was seeing people explore that, seeing people write these characters in ways that were so human, that really built a connection. For some people, Bendy is another indie horror experience. For others, it's something to indulge in that hits hard on a personal level. In many ways, it attracts a lot of us who feel like misfits. It's many things. But to me, the magic was in the people. The people in this universe, and the people in its real world community.

It has solidified my belief that people should play with fiction however they want, no matter how far it deviates from the canon, no matter how weird it is. Go be interpretive, go tell your story, go be free to make what speaks to you! (All I ask is that you're thoughtful about tagging it so people can make smart choices about engaging with it.) All stories are worth telling. Even if no one gets into it, having told it makes a difference.

Whether you're someone who's been there from the beginning, or someone that's new to Bendy, I hope you're all having fun. Whether you've finished exploring the world or you've just begun, I hope you've found something valuable. Thank you, for coming along for the ride. Here's to many more fun experiences and stories, be they official or be they in the fandom. Happy Bendyversary!

[amethystviolist]

holy shit you wrote so much since march??? that is so fucking impressive!! and hey, creating things for older fandoms is the best, it's always good to see people still keeping them alive. now when you give updates i will finally know whats it about :'D would you wanna give a summary of the fic's premise?

Thank you for the appreciation and the ask again! Yeah I went kinda crazy with it lol; I slowed down to a more normal rate again in May, thankfully.

And sure! It's not a terribly original premise I'm afraid, and I don't have a real blurb yet, but basically, the fic revolves around Bilbo being a dragon with a limited ability to shapeshift. I've read multiple dragon!Bilbo works (and enjoyed them!), but I wanted to do a pretty different take on dragons compared to canon Tolkien or other fanfics I've read.

A teaser might be something like: Five hundred year old former dragon Bilbo Baggins has successfully kept his private vow of peaceful hobbitish living for fifty years when Gandalf turns up with an inviting offer of adventure and less-than-inviting dwarvish company. Bilbo is forced to weigh his need to protect his new friends against his fear of discovery every step of the way to the mountain, and by the time he realizes some secrets are truly too big to keep, Bilbo will have to decide exactly how much a dragon is willing to sacrifice for the dwarves of Erebor.

So for the conception of the fic, Tolkien's dragons are of course based on medieval epics where they're no more than cunning, cruel, and greedy creatures, and while that simplicity can be a good narrative tool, I got interested in the Middle Earth creation of dragons and then what else they might be besides vehicles for plot or embodiments of evil.

From extant theories on their creation (I'm skipping a lot of details on that or we'll be here all day!), I got really into my own take on draconic culture in Middle Earth, and then really into exploring Bilbo's trauma from his draconic past and how he's handling it as a hobbit (spoiler: he's just avoiding it). His canon character arc takes a naive bachelor to worldly adventurer, but my fic starts him from a place of power already. Dragon!Bilbo knows evil intimately and so he's terrified of himself. His arc instead involves accepting all parts of himself and allowing himself to really live again, and of course there's a lot of secrets and lying and oh god feelings that he has to deal with along the way.

Anyway, at its emotional core, the mega fic is about identity and self-acceptance/forgiveness. At its plot core, it's about keeping a terrible secret from thirteen people you want to befriend and how that causes a lot of interesting problems. I've written all the way through canon events (which are definitely more guidelines than rules, considering the impacts of Bilbo's true heritage) and am now in the murky waters of post-canon. I've got an outline and am working through it now. Post-canon deals mainly with the aftermath of a major sacrifice during BotFA (no spoilers!), and then what to do with the One Ring.

If you've read this far, thank! If you're still interested, please enjoy a little early excerpt below.

“‘Bilbo Baggins’, is it?” a deep voice read out.

The hobbit by that name, a middle-aged and bronze-haired fellow with a green waistcoat and a pipe in his mouth, looked up from the book on his lap and startled quite violently. 

“Gandalf,” Bilbo gasped, barely saving the book before it fell to the ground. The wizard in question was standing by his front gate and frowning at Bilbo’s nicely-labeled mailbox, his brow tight with confusion.

“My old friend, what in the names of the Valar are you still doing here?” Gandalf asked, sounding as genuinely surprised as Bilbo had ever heard him. 

“Ah.” Bilbo shifted a little on his nicely cushioned bench. “Well, you’ve been away for quite some time… I daresay I’ve changed quite a lot since we last met.”

“On that, we are agreed,” Gandalf replied, and stared at Bilbo as if trying to see through his very bones.

“Er, do come inside,” Bilbo invited him politely, and got to his feet. “I’ve got a kettle on, and some biscuits which aren’t too terribly burned.”

“A real achievement for one of your kind,” Gandalf chortled, until Bilbo shot him a glare. The wizard hurriedly quieted his amusement and let himself in the gate, following Bilbo up the grassy steps and through the green door that led to Bag End.

As soon as Bilbo closed the round door, he found himself unexpectedly nervous. He had nothing to fear from Gandalf, of course, but his situation was… inexplicably odd.

“So,” Bilbo began a little more hesitantly then he would have liked to admit, “What… brings you to the Shire?”

Gandalf fixed Bilbo with a disgruntled stare. “I was seeking you, of course! Imagine my surprise when I found your old caves deserted, your books and blankets all gone! I thought you’d been slain, and your treasures carried off, and yet somehow no one I asked knew anything about a-”

“Yes, yes, alright!” Bilbo interrupted with a suspicious glance out the nearest window. “I appreciate your concern, but not so loudly! I’m treated with enough suspicion as it is,” the hobbit grumbled, and motioned for Gandalf to follow him through the halls of Bag End until they reached the pantry, which was windowless and had two doors with sturdy locks. Bagginses of course protected their food well, as any respectable hobbit would, but Bilbo had also found that it was an excellent space for less-than-respectable happenings. 

Which he himself had no prior experience with, naturally.

“Olórin,” Bilbo breathed after he had lit a candle and closed both doors, sealing the wizard into the wide room. “My friend, it’s good to see you! I was going to send word, but I had no idea how a letter would reach you. You’re not called the Wandering Wizard for nothing, it seems,” Bilbo said with an amused smile.

“You could have left a note in the northern Blue Mountains!” Gandalf complained, shaking his head. “I had to fight my way through three dozen goblins before I found the levels where you used to reside.”

Bilbo gave him an unimpressed look, for only three dozen goblins were no match for one of the Istari at full strength, and they both knew it.

“It was an annoyance,” Gandalf amended at Bilbo’s expression. “And more importantly, it caused me no small amount of worry for your well-being.”

“Well, I didn’t mean to worry you. But you also could have come back sooner,” Bilbo said rather stiffly. He found himself compulsively organizing the jars of jam by size, until he realized he was acting a bit too much like Bungo and tried to stop fidgeting. “Belladonna and Bungo offered me their home and their name as my own, and Bag End is a much better place for reading than my old drafty caverns. It would have been ridiculous for me to refuse their kind offer.”

“And how are the dear Bagginses?” Gandalf asked, his eyes crinkling happily. “It’s been far too long since I’ve seen them…” The wizard trailed off. His countenance sobered all too quickly as he saw that Bilbo’s expression had turned cold and stony, his hands stilling on the many jars of jam. “Oh. Oh, I see,” he murmured. “I’m terribly sorry to hear that, my friend. I know how much they meant to you.”

The pantry was unbearably silent for a time.

“We shared books,” Bilbo finally said very quietly, and Gandalf looked so shocked that Bilbo would have surely found it amusing under other circumstances.

“Indeed,” Gandalf finally managed, eyeing Bilbo with fresh concern. 

The room was once again silent, and Bilbo shook his head to clear it. “My loss is not the reason you’ve come, though,” he said after a long moment, glaring at an innocent wheel of cheese, for anger was better to keep moving on with than sorrow. But he forced himself to gentle his gaze somewhat to look back up at Gandalf. “Is this merely a social call, then?”

Gandalf’s lips quirked back up into a typically mysterious smile. “I’m afraid not. In fact, I came looking for you to share in an adventure.”

“Adventure?” Bilbo snorted loudly, and ignored the twin wisps of smoke that emerged from his nostrils. “Gandalf, please, I’m far too old for such nonsense. Surely you have many other - and far more pleasant! - options for traveling companions.”

“I’m not going on a walking holiday,” Gandalf corrected him with a huff, now looking rather put out. “I’m escorting a third party on a quest to reclaim their homeland, and your skill set would be most helpful on this dangerous journey.”

“My ‘skill set’?” Bilbo repeated incredulously. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean? My ‘skills’ primarily consist of reading voraciously and offending the delicate sensibilities of my neighbors.”

The wizard fixed him with a piercing, knowing look. “We both know you’re more than a simple hobbit, my old friend.”

Bilbo scowled as fiercely as this face allowed, and crossed his arms in annoyance. “Maybe I don’t want to be more than a simple hobbit anymore,” he said sharply. “Has it ever occurred to you that I am safe and comfortable here, in this form, in this life? I’m Bilbo Baggins now. I’ve changed, Gandalf, and I don’t want to be… who I was. I’m nothing like that anymore, and have vowed to never be again.”

Gandalf’s blue eyes twinkled a little, and he nodded once. “Very well. Bilbo... I understand your feelings on the subject.” He pointed one gnarled finger at Bilbo, and added firmly, “But this will be very good for you.” With that cryptic pronouncement, Gandalf turned and unlocked one of the pantry doors, knocking his head on the low doorframe and cursing to himself as he hastily exited.

“Gandalf!” Bilbo exclaimed, his annoyance now tainted by his damn curiosity. “What do you mean? I will not be going with you on any sort of mad adventure, and I mean it! I couldn’t leave my hoard for that long as you should well know!” He ran after Gandalf, who was finding his way to the front door much too quickly.

“I expect I’ll be seeing you again soon,” Gandalf said instead of offering any kind of explanation. “Do try not to incinerate anyone while I’m away.”

“Pfft, incinerate anyone,” Bilbo scoffed. “You’re the only one in danger of that, Gandalf the Grey! Stop running away and tell me what you meant by that! Ah, you confounding-”

Bilbo tripped on the upturned edge of a rug (undoubtedly Gandalf’s fault, as so many things were) and tumbled most ungracefully to the floor. By the time the hobbit had regained his feet, the wizard was long gone, his gray-clad form hurrying down the path away from Bag End.

“Blasted, meddlesome wizards,” Bilbo muttered, not for the first time and certainly not for the last.

[If you've read this far, please let me know! I'll be wanting a beta reader probably at some point, or someone to bounce ideas off of would be lovely as well.]

[youdrewstarsxaroundmyscars]

Alright yall. I need help. Come sit. Be my therapist for a second. Have some hot cocoa even. We're gonna be here a while. <3

I am afab. Very average, very feminine presenting. Joining the marauders fandom and getting more into lgbtq+ side of media and things has made me question my gender identity a bit, and I don't know what to do. I say all the time "I wish I was a boy but only a pretty boy" in the sense that GOD do i wanna be a pretty boy like all the cosplayers and fancasts and fanart and fuckin book descriptions I see of these characters. I'll jokingly tell my friends if I knew and was promised that I could look like THAT ONE tiktoker if i transitioned, I would do it. But I don't know if that's fully 100% true.

I'm contemplating getting a binder. I think the only reason I've put it off for as long as I have is I don't know my own measurements and I don't own a tape measure. It would be super easy to get one, and it makes me wonder why i'm putting it off so bad. I have pretty big boobs for my body size, at least, that's what my friends say. Genetics-wise, all my sisters have bigger boobs and my mother's even gotten a reduction because of it. I've been contemplating that too.

I don't know if I want them gone, but I get such a gross disgusting feeling in my chest if i'm out and about and they're more visible with my clothing. If I were to wear a tight tank top under a hoodie instead of a bra and I go out in public it's like the nerve endings in my chest start doing something and it's so uncomfortable I feel like everyone is staring at them and I feel like I'm doing something wrong just for existing. just for being a woman with female body parts. Is that body dysmorphia? I'm not sure really, i think it started when I would attend church. I felt like every man in the room was staring at me and could notice them, even if i was sitting in the furthest back row and they were all looking forwards. I don't know. Maybe that's just religious trauma for another day.

I want clothes to fit me the way they fit men. I want to love a boy the way a boy loves a boy. I want the hands and the flat chest and the shoulders and the collar bones and the adam's apple and the stomach and the short swoops hair and the jawline. A Pretty boy. You know.

I think everyone desires to be attractive, and when there's so many variables with transitioning, you essentially roll the dice and hope you get a good deal. And I am insecure, and as shallow as it sounds, I would be afraid to be uglier than I am. Lemme tell ya, I haven't seen very attractive ginger men that's for sure. (you may attempt to change my mind if you so desire but if ANY of yall say ed sheeran ill cry cause no)

But some days, I feel alright with my face, with femininity. And I feel like I made up the desire to be a boy. I look in the mirror and think "you're pretty. you look fine, you even look pretty good. Why did you ever want to change that?" Then I'll scroll through tiktok or read a fanfic or see fuckin starchaser fanart that makes me rethink it all over and over again like an endless cycle. And I don't know what to do.

I don't look androgynous. I wish i looked androgynous. Maybe that'd be easier to figure it out. I know some of you are probably gonna say "just experiment with some things. try some different clothes or makeup" and I would if that was something I could easily do.

I never learned how to do makeup. No one ever taught me and I was scared to ask my mom for mascara even though I was in high school. My sisters were great at makeup, and hair, and fashion. All the things people tend to expect girls to be good at. They never taught me. They had moved out by the time I was old enough to start shaving my legs for the first time. Any time I do try something it doesn't match my face, or my hair color, or my skin tone and it doesn't look right and I just get lost.

I don't know how to do my hair, and I don't have anything to do my hair with except for a hairbrush and some ponytails, but my last haircut kinda fucked up and i have these side bangs that are chunky and i don't know how to fix them.

I think I have an alright sense of fashion, but in the way that I see things on my pinterest board and think "that outfit. I want that outfit" but individual pieces?? I wouldn't even know where to start. I like going thrift shopping but lately everything around me has been terribly expensive so I haven't even bothered. Plus it's not really fun going alone. And when I do get to a thrift store it's all...not good stuff?? If that makes sense. I never understand how people are so good at thrift shopping cause I can rarely find anything that matches and if it does match it's either too big or too small.

I just. I don't girl the way i'm supposed to. And I don't boy the way I want to. I don't even gay the way I want to gay. (in the sense that I really do look like a straight white girl. I wish I didnt. damn do i want to be a regulus black variant. can't even do that with my hair)

And even with pronouns. I don't like they/them for me. I look and act like a she/her so that one makes sense, and I've never really clicked with he/him. Maybe cause I don't feel like I look the part so it makes no sense to use it. All of my friends are long distance, and we only ever talk TO eachother so it's not like I'd ever hear it in practice to test it out. I don't know.

Maybe it's just my insecurities throwing all this around. Maybe i've been bullied or mocked or judged one too many times that now I don't even want to be perceived at all. I hate being perceived. Being noticed by random people quite possibly judging every move I make is horrifying. Add that to not enjoying being alone, well. Whoops.

So I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't make sense of any of it and I'm terrified of fucking something up. I know I shouldn't be. I know it's okay to experiment and see what fits me and what doesn't. Hair grows back, clothing styles change, even the sizes change. Bruises and scars heal, it's ok to fall down. I just..I feel like I can't let myself do any of it. I don't know why. Maybe a punishment of some kind. Not allowing myself to figure out who I am.

Maybe I'm so used to being what I'm not that it's become an unconscious thing I can't let go of. Just trapped in a bubble I didn't even realize I had been forced into until it was too late maybe. I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know where to start, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to do any of it and I just wanted to to be stopped. I want to be at the ends of this stupid long road and for it to be fixed.

I want it to go away.

(This kind of turned into a rant but if anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it <3 happy new year btw!! heard some hella tea from my neighbors while writing this and that was very entertaining)

[pssy-wagn]

@destielmonth

Day 17: King of Hell

“... and I'm saying no!”

“Dean, you always do this. You don't control me, you can't tell me what to do. Just because we're married, doesn't mean I'm your pet to boss around-”

“I'm not saying that, you always put words in my mouth.”

“Ooh did I come in the middle of some juicy squabbling?”

Dean and Cas both turn towards Crowley with identical scowls on their faces.

“Whoa, whoa, squirrel, feathers, I'm here just to make a deal.”

“No deal. Out.”

Crowley puts his hand on Dean's shoulder, making Castiel angrier.

“Get your hand off of him.”

Squeezing Dean's shoulder before he lets go, he smirks at Cas, “Awww are you still upset about what happened ages ago? Dean was a demon. He was willing to do everything to be a bad boy.”

Smiling wide at Cas, Cas punches him right in the face, knocking him down on his butt. Dean simply rolls his eyes, “Cas. We've talked about this. It was a long ass time ago, didn't mean anything to me. Let it go.”

Still scowling over Crowley, he answers Dean, “Never.”

Picking himself up, he brushes off his suit, “like I was saying, I need your help in tracking my mother. You give me her, I give you back your book.”

“You're just a petty little King of Hell, Crowley.” Cas furiously says.

“Deal?”

Sighing, Cas looks at Dean and nods, Dean crosses his arms, “Fine, deal.”

“You know how I seal my contracts, Dean.”

Castiel pushes Crowley back a foot with a forceful hand, “You're changing that part.”

“And miss my kiss with your husband? Why would I want to do that?”

“Because if you kiss my husband, I will rip your heart out where you stand.”

“Cassie, such a flirt.”

Dean clears his throat, getting both guys’ attention, “I said it was a deal but no, I’m not kissing you. Especially not in front of my husband.”

Crowley looks at him up and down with a smirk on his face, “You wanna take it to your bedroom?”

As soon as those words get asked, Dean steps around Crowley to stop Cas from taking out his angel blade.

“Cas, dammit!”

“He’s outwardly coming on to you, Dean. In front of me. I will not have this!”

Dean calls for Sam to help out. As soon as Sam comes out of his bedroom, he freezes, “Holy shit! Crowley! What the hell?”

“Hello, Moose. I just need a little help of tracking down my mother-”

“Rowena? Rowena’s on vacation in Malibu. Some kind of fancy resort.”

“How-how do you know that?” Crowley asks in disbelief.

“She keeps sending me selfies of herself.”

Cas crosses his arms and faces Crowley, “There you go. We helped, now give us back our book.”

Crowley snaps his fingers and Cas and Dean’s wedding book appears on the map table. Sam looks at the book, “Seriously, Crowley? You stole their wedding photography book? Why?”

“I like seeing my Dean happy.”

Cas goes for his pocket once again, Dean stopping him by his wrist, “Cas, honey, you have me, not Crowley.”

Dean kisses Cas and smiles at Crowley, “Go to Hell, Crowley.”

“No kiss for me?” After winking at Dean, he vanishes.

"I hate that guy."

“I know, Cas, I know.”

[smutinlove]

ᴡᴏʀᴅꜱ ʙᴜʀɴ ʜᴀʀᴅ—ᴄᴀʀʟ ɢʀɪᴍᴇꜱ—ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ three: solitude

Chapter Two: Undetected

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

After a few close calls with Judith, the two teenagers decided to be extra careful. Luckily, Judith had her friends, who whisked her off to a new sleepover or to a mall every week. It made everything a lot easier.

Mae looked at Carl. "You smell like shit," she told him. "That's so kind of you," Carl laughed.

"Do you wanna go downstairs now? My parents left for work, so."

"Yes. Anything would be better than your shitty room." Carl rolled his eyes and opened the door for her. "Ladies first." He winked. "You're such a gentleman."

He smirked.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

After laughing for hours upon hours, the two got hungry. "Carl!" Mae yelled. "What? I'm right next to you!"

"I'm hungry. Go get me some food." Carl rolled his eyes. "I'm not your servant, girl." Carl looked at Mae; her eyes had a certain sparkle, and he smiled. "I guess. I'm hungry too, so I guess I'll order pizza."

Mae smiled. "Thanks, servant boy."

"Whatever."

While Carl was busy dialing Pizza Hut, Mae thought that it'd be fun to roam around the house. She didn't get to see the house much since she came here.

She got up from the couch and was about to explore the house when she saw a few framed pictures on the coffee table. The first one was of Carl and a cute-looking baby. Mae figured that the baby was Judith.

The second one was of Carl, his mother and father, and Judith. Mae hadn't seen Carl's father before. In the picture, he seemed like a strong, brave, and selfless man.

The last one was of Carl's father, with a man standing next to him. The two men in the picture were smiling and wearing police uniforms. The man standing next to Carl's father looked familiar, but she had never seen that man until today.

Mae's eyes widened as she picked up the picture. Judith looked like that man. They weren't twins, but they looked so alike.

They both had that same determined look in their eyes. "Hey, Carl?" Mae called out. "Yeah?" he replied. "Who's this man? The one standing next to your dad in this picture?"

Carl smiled. "Oh, that's my dad's best friend," he stated. "Okay," Mae replied. "Why?" he asked. "Oh, no reason. He just looked strange, that's all." Carl nodded.

Mae put the picture frame back. Judith and the man, Shane, looked almost identical. She couldn't put together how Carl and his father hadn't realized that Carl's mother was cheating. At least that's what Mae thought.

It was ridiculous for Mae. Back in England, if her mother cheated on her father, then they'd have her head. Now, America was strange and a bit foreign to her. And sometimes Americans were stupid. That's some of the information that she gathered from old history books.

Americans were fat, ugly, and stupid. Her opinion of some Americans only changed when she met Carl. Carl was kind and respectful toward her. He was a beautiful soul.

"Mae, can you get the door?" Carl asked. "I left some money on the table if it's the delivery guy."

"Alright!" Mae yelled.

She grabbed the money. Mae opened the door and came face-to-face with a young Korean man. "It's twenty dollars," he said. Mae counted the money and handed it to him. He gave her the pizza. "Thank you," they both said in unison. Mae closed the door and turned around, coming face-to-face with the boy, who was none other than Carl Grimes.

"Hey." He smiled.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

It was midnight, and Mae couldn't stop thinking about the man, Shane. He looked so similar to Judith. Their hair and that same determined and ready look in their eyes.

Luckily, Carl hadn't noticed Mae tossing and turning on the floor. She was quiet. But she missed this one thing. It was past nine by now. "Fuck," she muttered. It wasn't fair.

She got up and looked out the window. She saw cars driving by, civilians walking alone, teenagers messing around, and lastly, she saw two people making out.

She rolled her eyes. It was unreasonable. Mae certainly wasn't repulsed by the idea of kissing. However, she was a bit jealous. Mae wanted someone to love and appreciate her.

"Stupid girl," she whispered.

[positivelybeastly]

Sometimes I feel like beast gets treated more harshly for some things than other characters are for almost identical actions. The time travel stuff especially, but the collective actions of the Illuminati as well

Heh. You know, it's funny, I was literally just grabbing a cap of some Stuart Immonen art from All-New X-Men #2, of a really pretty X-Jet, and, because I'm a glutton for punishment, I clicked the comments. Do you wanna read them? No? Too bad, I had to read them, so now, so do you.

"Hank is so self-absorbed it's incredible. No wonder the Watcher thinks he's garbage."

"Also, i think Beast should be lobotomized for his crimes against children and the space/time continuum."

"That said: f**k you, Hank. You are so weak and arrogant that you would risk destroying your oldest and dearest friends because you can't handle Scott helping mutants? You risk destroying the timeline and destroying your friends' relationships and their very minds and spirits."

Like . . . fuck, man.

It really is all just Bendis' fault. He made Hank do something so mind-numbingly stupid, and it was presented slap bang in people's faces, and LITERALLY NO-ONE stopped to question if it was even in-character for him to do this.

It wasn't, by the way.

Be warned, disturbingly hot, smart, and urbane Hank McCoy incoming.

OH HEY.

LOOK.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE HANK'S FUCKING SMART OR SOMETHING.

I JUST.

GET.

SO.

FUCKING.

ANGRY.

THE MAN IS FUCKING SMART. And then Bendis just has him do something so mind-numbingly stupid, and no-one even blinks an eye at whether or not it even made sense for him to do it.

And do you know what makes me fucking laugh? Is that other writers were actively mocking the plotlines as they were going on, but because so many comics readers are as dumb as fucking rocks, they didn't even realise.

Oh yeah, it IS almost as if people in the Marvel Universe regularly fuck the timestream without taking it for dinner or applying lube, I almost fucking forgot! But because Bendis decides that there are ramifications this time, suddenly Hank is the destroyer of all of space time.

Which of the three is it? Was this something that was always meant to happen, or not? If this is something that can happen when you meddle with space-time, why did Hank do it? Why? Is? Bendis-Hank? So? Fucking? DUMB???

And you know what, I need to bring this up, because LITERALLY FUCKING NO-ONE ELSE IN THE FANDOM EVER WILL

This was not a decision he made in his right mind? He was dying? His brain is seizing? He's having heart palpitations, in agonising pain, his mentor is dead and one of his oldest friends was the one who killed him, and he's in such a depressive spiral that he doesn't even want to tell the people around him that he's dying because he doesn't want to worry them.

But no, this is a decision that we're never, ever, ever going to let Hank live down. In fact, this decision is SO AWFUL THAT

Fucking blow me.

I know that I'm, like, seemingly the one X-Men fan that actually reads fucking comic books rather than going off panels I see posted on Twitter (this slight is aimed mostly at Reddit, not here, don't worry), but, like . . . god, I'm just so fucking furious that I had to sit, and watch a targeted character assassination, in real time, of my favourite character, and the fandom just fucking lapped it up.

Even now, the era from the end of Avengers vs. X-Men to Krakoa is called the Lost Era in mutant history. There are SO MANY THINGS that have been completely forgotten.

Hey, remember when Emma Frost did this?

Oh yeah, what consequences did she face for this?

Nothing?

The amount of shit that sticks to Hank makes me fucking sick. Everyone gets a pass for what they did, except for Hank.

The New Avengers/Illuminati stuff is the one that gets my goat, because do you know how Hank spent that time?

Buckle the fuck in.

Hank lacks the constitution for hard decisions.

Hank believes in the power of good men to change the world with ideals.

Hank will take the coward's way out, every time. The way that saves lives.

Hank will spend the time to talk, every time.

"We should help if we can. How could we not?"

Oh hey, Bruce Banner, I think everyone kinda forgot you were in this Illuminati too and you get a free pass!

Interesting.

Hmmmmm.

That last one REALLY makes me laugh because it really does just kinda read to me as Hickman pointing out that Hank's actions in All-New X-Men make no fucking sense.

And Hank has to just.

Sit there.

And take it.

And every.

Single.

Time.

Someone tries to put him back on the path to being who he is meant to be, some.

Fucking.

Jack-off.

Ruins it again.

Shit sticks to Hank like it doesn't stick to anyone else.

I'm fucking sick of it.

I ain't even touching the Percy stuff. That's just - phwaoooooah. Not to mention, I'm out of images.

Just sucks, man.

Just sucks.

[dnfao3tags]

DNF Reclist - Theme: LGBTQ+

pride month may be over but lgbtq+ pride stands strong all year long! marking the end of june, here are some queer related fics for you to read and hopefully relate to.

Pride Parade

— Radio Wires (Soldered To My Heart) by ivegivenuponyou (expl. | comp. | 7k)

Dream and George celebrate their first pride together.

— we sing it proudly by jack_not_found (teen | comp. | 3k)

the first time george goes to pride, and the first time george feels like he belongs at pride.

Sexuality

— revelation by ffnppnOF (ffonippop) (expl. | comp. | 28k)

There’s nothing wrong with George. Everyone tells him so. But nobody has ever known anything because if nothing was wrong with George, he wouldn’t be suffering the way he is, rosary around his neck more like a collar or a rope, tying him to a lady he can’t love and a man he’s not allowed to love. George’s God is a lover of purity, and he forgives him. George’s lover is purity incarnate, and she loves him sweeter than he deserves. George’s guilty pleasure has eyes the color of ivy and damnation and apples that fall from trees too early. Come Sunday, George will be gone, gone, gone.

— zero by saintaches (expl. | comp. | 63k)

Dream isn't sure when George became so fucking pretty, but he's certain he can't fall in love with him. They're both omegas, after all.

note: this still counts in my books

— Fantasize About by genovashroom (expl. | wip | 5k+)

At twenty-six, George is terminally alone and having a long overdue sexuality crisis. The soulmark on his wrist says what it has since he was twenty: Clay. Unmistakably a man’s name. He’s tired of burying his head in the sand, and hoping things will sort themselves out without him. He’s tired of pretending if he wishes it away hard enough, the name will change to a woman’s. And so, in order to come to terms with his prophesied homosexuality and self-destructive loneliness, he pulls a Hail Mary and calls a phone sex line, where he meets Dream.

— r/WhoTheFuckIsDNF by furculaed (teen | comp. | 30k)

I (22 M) fell in love with my best friend (25 M) and I don’t know what to do. I love him, please help.

note: some more reddit fics that fit here, here and here

— drink it down by 21questions (mat. | comp. | 3k)

George's a storm. Dream's a hurricane. Somehow, they mix.

— i wanna stay here forever by cqfnce (teen | comp. | 3k)

Dream and George talk about love, sexuality, and metaphors on the couch in the house built for them

— Pink Carnations by ivegivenuponyou (mat. | comp. | 7k)

Dream asks him about his love life sometimes, pesters him with questions about if he wants a girlfriend, if he’s ever had a girlfriend, if he even likes girls at all, and Sapnap laughs along, teasing him in the same way. It’s always the same answers. No, yes, mind your business. Not always in that order. He’d rather spend his time on the phone with his friends, anyway. He’d take Dream’s laughter in his ears over the company of anyone else.

— What You Want by Bagelrites (SleepyAmie) (mat. | comp. | 2k)

A failed attempt at sex leaves Dream a crying mess, and George is there to comfort him, despite all his fears to the contrary.

Genderqueer 

— boys and girls and punctuation by ffnppnOF (ffonippop) (mat. | comp. | 7k)

George’s identity is fortified heavily by his self expression, and the ways in which he expresses himself is constantly changing, constantly shifting, constantly inconsistent. But he’s always found security in knowing that, no matter how inconsistent he may be, no matter how far away he strays from masculinity, he’s still a boy. And there is safety in that. It’s the one consistent thing he has. But recently, everything he’s ever known about being a boy has been fracturing. The next most constant thing he’s ever known is Dream.

— Pretty Boys by Anonymous (mat. | comp. | 2k)

george has a crisis

note: also sexuality related!

— my girl’s made of peaches and soft grass and the moonlight by timelimez (expl. | comp. | 9k)

“George is like, Dream’s girlfriend or something,” Sapnap said, the rest of the Discord call erupting in laughter. “You’re so stupid.” George huffed, leaning back in his chair with a pout that no one could see. He wasn’t streaming, but one of their friends was, meaning that the line would inevitably be clipped to hell and back.  The weirdest part, though, was that hearing the word girlfriend be used to refer to himself made George feel… something. He didn’t quite know yet. But it wasn’t a bad feeling, that was for sure. “Aw, George, it’s okay. You can be my little girlfriend if you want.” Dream teased, before erupting in a wheezing laugh that was soon backed by the laughter of the rest of their friends. “Whatever.” George laughed it off. It was definitely not whatever.

Part 2 of it’s all for you (it’s always for you)

its pretty late and this was kind of a last minute decision thing so that's all for now! check out my sexuality themes or genderqueer tag for more :] send me in more recs if you'd like. happy late pride.

will post june's roundup a little later this week.

[nikatyler]

For the get to know the blogger question, first off how are you doing? What’s a new show/movie/book you’ve recently discovered that you love? For your OCs which OC would you say has changed the most since you created them? Do you have an OC you like that you want to develop more or do more with?

Hiii! I'm doing great! I have a job now which really helped my mental health 🩷

🤍 Not a new show but I've been binging Buffy. Love it! I first watched it when I was far too young for it so it's been really cool to rewatch it now as an adult. I'm on season 3 right now. I've also obviously started Percy Jackson. It's everything I've ever wanted and more 🥹 I'm only on ep 2 there though, I haven't had the time to catch up yet and I don't wanna binge it, I wanna take it in slowly.

🤍 As for books, I've also been rereading Riordan books. I'm on Blood of Olympus now and I can't wait to read Trials of Apollo. I barely remember the first two or three books and I never finished it. And then onto the Nico and Will novel and then the latest one. I'm on a massive Percy Jackson kick right now and I absolutely love it, it's still one of my most favourite series!

🤍 OCs...first that comes to mind is Tyler, he changed a lot. There was this whole thing where I was figuring out my identity alongside them sort of, I guess I sort of projected some stuff on him before I was ready to acknowledge it in me if that makes sense. Also, he's still goofy childish music maniac but there's more depth to it rn.

But also, I could say a lot of the OCs went from having no personality and being just xyz's spouse to being their own person, that's a big thing. Sharon's development was a lot like that. Still have to do that with Rory, I feel like there's not much to her besides being a nice librarian who married Caleb.

Honorable mention: Ross, although I feel like his development was natural in the story, not me going "oh no, he's got no personality, I have to give him one!" or "I have to change what I did with him because I don't vibe with it anymore".

🤍 Which I would like to develop more or do more with...all of them, honestly, which realistically isn't possible, I know 😂 I need to do more with Rosie, Tyler's band. Last year was a major development because I finally sat down and made them in ts4 and finally got them right, now I need to talk more about their relationships and career and all. I'm hoping for a music pack this year because that would definitely motivate me to work on them more.

Okay, I think that's all? I'm doing this in-between work so I may have missed something or lost a thought here or there 😂 But thanks for asking, it's been amazing to talk about them so much again!