#Mentions of Miscarriage

[maximumkillshot]

I Can't Lose You-Part 11

Warnings: Triggering memories of the miscarriage, Some is grabbing, shoving, graphic violent thoughts, Cursing, Bin Loses It, threats, Bin hurts himself unintentionally oh yeah and Han loses it too

Pairing: BangChan x Reader?

Characters: Bin, Soo 😒, Han, Stray Kids, Chan is mentioned quite a bit.

A/N: Happy Birthday @galamxy and I am so sorry to everyone in advanced. This one is gonna hurt, but... BUT I am letting you know ahead of time

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Previously: “He won’t… too much respect… I however,” I stated very matter-of-factly, “Have a very hard line, Soo. I don’t touch women in any violent way ever… But if anyone messes with my family and with whe people I love? All of a sudden gender is irrelevant… So the next time you speak, I recommend you speak with that in mind.” I saw the blood drain from her face, I felt a new level of base in my voice. The anger is starting to reach a level I can’t control.   Minho added on with “Usually I’d have too much respect. That was before what you said about Y/N.  About her losing the baby being a good thing. That it’d make the divorce less messy…” My eyes went wide as my heart dropped on the floor, shattered. When did this happen? How did this happen? I looked away from Soo for the first time, “I don’t think I heard you correctly… She said WHAT?” 

Now:

I can’t believe that this came out of her mouth. Given I never would’ve expected this type of behavior from her either but here we are. I looked at Minho’s face and I could tell he wasn’t lying. I looked at Hannie who was sitting on my opposite side and his face said the same. 

If I wasn’t sitting I would have probably collapsed. I went from a relaxed position to leaning forward, cracking my neck as I tried to contain my rage. I wiped my hands down my face, Changbin, calm down, I told myself. I went back to what Seungmin told me, “You promised her you were coming back.”  

I heard Hannie say… “Wait.”

When I looked at him, his mouth was open in utter disbelief, “You knew…” he said to Soo… When I looked back at Soo all I saw was a smile creeping onto her face, “You knew they were trying to conceive?! When Chan told you, there was no gasp of shock, no condolences… even now…  You’re smiling because you knew…”

Soo smiled saying, “How do you think Chris and I started talking in the first place? It was clear she was broken, now the outside matches the inside. Maybe this will be a warning for you.” She looked at me, “She’s damaged goods, don’t you want to know what it’s like to be a dad?” How dare she. I looked at Han as he stared daggers at her. Hannie is not known for becoming angry, but he looks enraged at what Soo just said. I looked back to Soo.

I looked into her eyes as I wondered what she meant by that. ‘She’s damaged goods, don’t you want to know what it’s like to be a dad?’ I’ve never been good at hiding my fondness for Angel, that’s for sure, but I don’t know where she’s getting at. Angel has only had eyes for Chan, her person… hurt my person.

 I don’t know why she would throw something like her fertility at me like it’s some deal breaker. It isn’t. I could live in a shack with nothing except Y/N and I would be the richest man on the planet. Children would be nice, but if it meant giving her up, I don’t need kids, I need her. This is all hypothetical of course.

I was sure she could feel the tension shift as I could feel my face contort from the rage, “So not only are you so fucking desperate that you’ll cheat with your best friend’s husband. Not only will you cheat knowing they were trying to conceive, but when they finally do conceive, after TWO YEARS you say that it was a good thing that child died because it would make the divorce less messy?!” I've never felt this level of rage. It was almost accusatory the way she threw Y/N’s fertility. Like because she didn’t get pregnant, that’s why they cheated. 

I am feeling so many levels of disdain, hurt, and disbelief. How could anyone say that about anyone else? It is unfathomable to me how someone could hurt someone else like this. How someone could think that let alone voice it. That takes it to a different level of disgust for me. 

Han sighed as he said, “And you sit there, almost blaming Y/N for your sins? For Chris’ sins? You don’t know anything about what she’s been through. Constantly waiting for Chris, him making her feel like an afterthought,” Han added on, “telling her he has no time for her, that he has more important things to do. One of us,” He pointed to himself and me, “One of us slept in the same bed as her every night because she’d cry to sleep on her own. You know what? We’d do it again. All of it. Because she is worth that and more.” I could feel Han vibrating with emotion. I can tell I’m not the only one that is feeling this. 

I tacked on, “Meanwhile he’s cheating with you,” I scoffed, “Talk about trading in a diamond for a piece of glass. You are the lowest of the low. She isn’t broken. You two are!” I took a breath, “I don’t know what to do with what you’ve done. I’m hurt and angry, and I’m not even the one who was cheated on!” I barked at her.  

The images of me doing things I didn’t want to do started flashing in my head. She isn’t a woman anymore, hell, she isn’t even a person. I could see myself grabbing it by the throat, picking it up, throwing it across the room, and punching, and screaming while I did it. Using its face as a punching bag. I can’t… As much as I want to, I can't.  A sinister, yet just voice playing right next to Seungmin's in my mind, It’s right there in front of you. You’re in pain, agony even… Take it out on one of the people that caused it. No one would blame you. Meanwhile, Seungmin’s voice is still playing, “Don’t make her lose you too.” 

I almost lunged out of my chair before I caught myself. Instead of getting up and doing what I wanted, I screamed, “HOW?! How did she find any humanity in you!? A child died, an innocent child who did nothing wrong…died. Gone, will never have the chance to breathe. Somehow, you view it as a good thing?! THEN YOU COME HERE!!” I could feel every cell in my body burning, trying to just reach across and… “ YOU COME HERE, TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU’RE HER FRIEND?!”

I looked at her as I grabbed her shirt, I got up dragging her to her feet along with me, “You want to know what I’m thinking right now?” I smiled at her. This felt good. Seeing her realize just how much danger she is in. She thought I wouldn’t move. Like I said before, I don’t discriminate when it comes to protecting my own.

I could see the tears start to form in her eyes as I vaguely heard Han, “Hyung? Bin!”

“I am thinking about how easy it would be to turn your face into a fucking suggestion, make the outside match the inside. Disgusting, putrid, worthless, bloody… Han and Minho are strong, but not strong enough or fast enough to stop me from crushing your windpipe with one hand.” I grabbed the back of her neck, squeezing enough to make it known. 

She yelped as I continued, “It wouldn’t be hard for me. I lift twice your weight for fun.” I laughed, “No one’s here to save you. Especially not your shitty boyfriend… He’s nursing a broken nose at home…”

I felt her body tense, “I don’t want to stop at a broken nose for you…” I chuckled. “I want to send a message so badly. I want to put you in the ICU,” I seethed just inches from her face.“I was happy you stood away but now you DARE walk into here. Demanding to see her, after you say something so vile, so…”  

I could feel Han trying to loosen my grip, I was barely registering anything except her deer-in-the-headlights stare, “Now that you tried to come here when I wasn’t here, trying to capitalize,” I saw that same smirk playing at her lip. “I was going to let you go if I ever saw you again… Now..” I could feel my chest heaving as I said, “Now I want to make it clear to YOU and CHRIS… you come near her… I’ll kill you… I meant it when I said it to him, looks like he needs a reminder. You’ll have to pay for both sins.” She started yelping as I screamed, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH. You have no RIGHT, no SHAME…” I don’t recognize my voice, it’s so heavy, leering… They turned you into this. Show them. 

I heard Minho, “Changbin-ah I know…I want to hurt her too, I want it so badly but we can’t… We aren’t them, Bin.” I shrugged him off as I dragged her to the nearest wall and shoved her against it.

I threw my fist at the wall right next to her head. I felt it vibrate with the hit, “You have no idea what I want to do to you right now. It is taking everything in me not to destroy you.”  She was whimpering as she cried, trying to look away from me. “The pain that I want to put you through is nothing compared to what Y/N is going through. Look at you, a coward that can’t even look me in the eye. She is more than you could ever be.” 

I could feel myself wanting to pick my fist back up and land it on her face so badly. I have never wanted to hurt anyone, until now. The disrespect, the pain, and the absolute lack of empathy make me want to tear her apart. I have been holding in so much pain and agony for so long that I feel like I’m going crazy. I need someone to take it out on. Who better than one of the people who stabbed Y/N in the back? Who else is more deserving than one of the people who killed her child? This makes sense, call it karmic justice. Even breathing just thinking about it feels better. 

I can vaguely hear Hannie… Not like I really can hear much of anything aside from Soo’s pathetic whimpers. For someone so brazen to be this cowering mess, all for seeing me like this. I felt my features soften at that as I smirked at her, even chuckling slightly at the fact that for some reason she decided coming down here was a good idea. If anything this is Darwinism at work, right? A part of me thinks so, at the very least.

If I were to fully embrace this… the impending feeling I knew would cause goosebumps at the relief. Seungmin’s in my head again, “Y/N deserves everything we got.” This mental tug of war makes me feel like I am being torn in half, I just want to cause pain. I want Soo to hurt. I made my decision, Get your relief… It’s not a person…

As I went to shift my weight, I heard “Binnie?”.... Y/N?

I could hear her coming from a phone. That once melodic voice quaking. She was reaching for me. Begging me by only saying my name. My whole body froze, and my vision stopped narrowing, hearing her. “Binnie? Hannie, where's Binnie?” I heard her say again. She sounds so scared. I could tell she had been crying, she needed me. I can’t do this to her. 

I saw Han come into my peripheral, his phone in his hand.

“He’s right here Anya... Binnie’s right here.” Hannie’s voice is so stiff, he’s never afraid of me. I hate it when people are afraid of me. When my eyes flicked to Han I could see the fear. He put his hand on my arm that I was holding Soo’s shirt with. That touch helped me ground myself and see things from a different perspective.

“Why is Binnie not talking Hannie? Did I do something wrong?” I heard her, loud and clear as I tried to gain control of my body again. I wanted to scream,

“No, it’s not your fault, Angel. No, I am just… I’m hurting, Love. I’m hurting so fucking bad and I don’t know where to place it. I only ever went to Channie Hyung when I was in pain. I don’t know what to do knowing he was the one that caused it, Angel. He hurt you, I trusted him to take care of you, you’re my heart… When you cry, I cry; when you hurt, I hurt. You could never do something to warrant me not talking to you. You have never done anything wrong, I love you so much,” My mouth isn’t working as the memories flash. My chest wants to cave in.

“No nothing’s wrong, Anya. Binnie is just listening to your voice, is that okay?” Han asked so gently. How is he so gentle right now? The woman in front of me is one-half of the reason Y/N is here. She’s in my hands right now. The screams replay in my head as I look at Soo, If she knew she never would’ve come here, I’m lying to myself now as my grip tightens on her. 

“Yeah, is Binnie coming back? He promised he would,” I heard her ask. Of course, I’m coming back. She’s my home, how could I leave her? Especially like this. Soo isn’t worth it, and neither is Chan, but I want them to pay. I felt my hand throb against the wall. Feeling the texture as it stands against my fist take some of the haze away. Pleading to Y/N in my head, “I want them to pay, pleeease let me make them pay. Let me make sure they’ll stay away, Angel. I need to protect you, you’re the only part of me that matters.” “Hannie I want my Binnie I’m scared,” I heard her so clearly, I could even hear the sniffles that she would allow to escape every once in a while. I could feel myself at war with what I wanted and what was right. I want to kill Soo, but killing is wrong. So I was stuck there with the love of my life practically begging me to choose her over what I wanted to do. I was trying so hard to open my mouth and try to sound strong but I was three seconds from collapsing. I’m scared too, Angel. I’m terrified. I can’t lose you. I won’t survive it. I’m not me without you. 

“M’here Angel. I’ll..” my voice betrayed me. I cleared my throat, “I’ll be there in a minute. I’ll see you soon,” I felt tears brimming in my eyes as I looked at Soo. I could see the shock on her face, that has to be enough for me. 

At the end of it all, hurting Soo would do nothing. It won't get Y/N anywhere. The pain, the suffering, it's all still going to be there, only she'll have to face it all without me. I can't do that to her. It's not fair, what happened to her. I have to let Soo go, to protect my Angel. That is more than doable. 

Hannie hung up the phone and I looked at Soo as I said, “You aren’t worth any ounce of effort anyone puts towards you. You are a nerveless little leech that sucked the life and kindness out of someone I love very much. You tell Chris what you saw here today. You tell him every detail… Especially this… If you or Chris ever try to come near her uninvited… I will not be this kind again… Do you understand me?”

She nodded violently as I released my grasp on her shirt, instead shoving her by her shoulder to Han, almost knocking both of them down in the process as I said, “Han, get her out of here before I change my mind.” I faced the wall as I tried to breathe. I have never wanted to kill someone more than just now. I’m scared, relieved, and also guilty. 

Just the fact that I was so close to possibly losing Y/N again while I was gone, shot through me like lightning in that car. Now I’m here and the threat’s gone. The original one is. That was relieving, but now I am so guilty.

If Y/N saw me like this, she would’ve been disappointed. Is that the kind of man I am? 

As soon as I register the door closing my knees hit the concrete and I’m blinded by my tears. Who am I? Soo was so scared… and I liked it? I wanted more of it. I wanted her to feel the fear Y/N felt. The pain she feels. Y/N would never want that for anyone. I almost caused her more pain. For what? To satiate my own need? 

“What kind of man am I?” I asked no one in particular as I felt the rage ebbing into whispers, staring at my hands, one already developing bruises from how hard I punched the wall, the other aching from how tight my grip was on Soo’s shirt. An image flashed of when Y/N went limp in my arms, her screams louder than the last time. My shoulders shook with the sobs that left me then. 

I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder as I heard Minho speaking softly, “You are the type of man that would do anything for the woman he loves. You’re the type that takes her pain as your own.”

I turned to Minho and said, “Hyung, I don’t know what to do. I can’t take it away.” my tears started running down my face. All I heard was Minho saying, ‘I got you’ and I let go collapsing on him. 

Minho said right into my ear, “You are a loving, caring person, Changbin. You trusted a person with your own heart and they destroyed it. It’s natural to want blood, Bin. You just proved to yourself that love is more important than revenge. You, Seo Changbin, are the type of man that is rarest of all.” I continued to cry as I held onto Minho, “You are unapologetically you. You live with your heart on your sleeve and you give without asking for anything.” “I can hear it all… Every time I hear her screams, I feel her go limp in my arms, I see the blood,” I gulped in the air, “I wa-want to make it better, Hyung. Why can’t I take it from her?” I asked.

I felt Minho quivering as he sniffled himself, “No one can, I’m sorry Changbin-ah.” I knew that answer. Logically I knew it. “But what you can do..” I looked at him, “You can show her, that loving a person is unconditional. It is as simple as breathing. You show her, that no matter what she can or can’t give you, you’ll be there. Not because you have to, but because you want to.”

I nodded as I tried to stop the tears with Minho saying periodically, “Take your time… Breathe, you’re okay. You’re good.” I was mumbling to myself how I couldn’t believe I thought what I thought and he responded with, “Don’t go there. I’m proud of you for stopping and thinking. That’s what matters.”I wasn’t sure how much time had passed as I heard Minho say, “Let me see your hand.”

I showed it to him. I could see the black and blue forming on my knuckles. When he asked me to make a fist, it was a little painful but not that bad. He smiled as he said “Good news, nothing looks broken… the bad news is there is no way you’re going to be able to hide it from Y/N. So what’s the plan Changbin, any ideas?” His eyebrows went up in question. 

“I’m not going to lie to her, Minho. I can’t.” I said plainly. She is already so fragile and lying wouldn’t help that. I also can’t tell her that I lost it and almost hurt Soo. Given, I was mad, but still. I don’t know. 

His eyebrows furrowed as he smirked, “You know sometimes you’re a little too chilverous.” I just grinned as he continued, “Alright I guess I’ll have to explain it… As far as I’m concerned you slammed your hand in the car door when you were trying to get back here. Sound good?” I nod. 

I heard Minho’s phone go off and I saw Lix’s face on the screen, “one guess” he giggles. He picked it up and put it on speaker.

“MinMin where’s my Binnie?” I heard Y/N loud and clear through the phone. She sounds a little better, I could hear the tease in it. “We were just wrapping up here Beautiful, everything okay?” He asked, smiling at me. 

“Yeah, just Inn-ah trying to eat the last brownie I’m saving for Binnie.” She giggled. My heart swelled. She was saving it for me? I haven’t had one of those in… almost a year now that I think about it.

I heard Inn-ah in the background, “Just a nibble, Y/N?” 

She giggled as she said, “Binnie hasn’t had one in a while Innie, and you live with the guy that makes them.” She laughed. She’s thinking about me? After all of this. She’s focused on me?? I think Minho could see the confusion as he looked at me.

I giggled as I said, “What about the bag of snacks we brought for the boys Seungmin?” I heard Seungmin’s voice loud and clear, “They picked it clean, vultures… I’m surprised the bag’s still there.” I heard Y/N laugh slightly louder. It melted me to my core as I laughed.

I heard Hyunjin say, “Says the one who had a whole pan of brownie to himself. I don’t mind eating clean but had I known I would’ve fought you for that pan, Seungmin.” I could see Hyunjin’s face in my head glaring at Seungmin. 

I laughed as I said, “OK Angel we are on our way. Sorry, it took so long.” I smirked at the phone, I couldn’t wait to see her. I always get this swell in my heart that spreads to all of me when I see her. 

“It’s okay. As long as you’re coming back that’s all I care about.” She giggled. Minho hung up and said, “What happened in this room, stays in this room.” I think he could tell that I was embarrassed about my breakdown. I’m used to being the person that people go to for support. I am rarely the one to need the support. This was Minho’s way of saying my breakdown stays with him. I patted him on the back, silently thanking him. 

When we walked out into the hallway I could see Hannie waiting by the door. Minho motioned for Hannie to come towards us. When he met us Minho whispered, “Follow my lead.” With that we walked back to the room together, Minho leading. When Minho went in he explained the hand injury away, “First thing’s first Beautiful. You’ll notice that Binnie’s hand is bruised, it was an accident, he’s fine and it’s not broken, okay?” He looked relieved as he motioned for me to come in.

When I came in I was met with a gentle smile from her. At that moment I realized something. Soo never told me why she was here. I know why she’s here. Chan was banking on me losing it, seeing her. He was banking on me getting myself arrested or at the very least kicked out so that I would be ripped away from Angel’s side. I smiled wider knowing that not only did I keep my cool, but this experience that he caused just made me want to stick closer to her. 

Every time it feels like the first time I see her. Always takes my breath away. Even in a hospital gown, chocolate remnants on her face. I smiled at her, “Hi, Angel, sorry it took a bit. You have something for me?” I asked as I went to sit in a chair. 

She looked at me with furrowed brows, “I want my Binnie cuddles,” She said as she reached out for me. How could I deny that? I saw Seungmin get up and walk to a chair, sitting down. 

I smiled at her as I nestled up to her in the hospital bed. She smiled as she handed me the last piece of brownie, “It’s the corner piece, your favorite.” 

She looked up at me and wiped a tear from my face, when did I start crying again? “Why are you crying, Binnie?” 

I answered honestly, “I’m so happy to see you giggling and seeing you save this for me. I’m just lucky to know you, let alone be a part of your life.” I dried a tear from her too as I smiled. 

She buried her face into my side as she giggled. That made everyone in the room break out in smiles. The rest of the night was passed in smiles and laughs until eventually, Y/N started yawning. I looked at her trying to fight the sleep until I guided her head to my chest again. She was sleeping before I could even notice. One by one, everyone was asleep except for me. Seeing everyone asleep. I permitted myself to pass out for the night too, and before I knew it, I was out like a light myself. 

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[amberjazmyn]

you are my sunshine 💔🫶

pairing : max verstappen x fem!reader

summary :  with the lyrics of christina perri's "you are my sunshine" we learn about max and ophelia verstappen's miscarriage that they never publically posted until now when they've gone through their grieving process and the process of them finding out and announcing their first rainbow baby which then ends with them having three kids.

warnings : mention of miscarriage, rainbow baby announcement, crying, sadness that turns into happiness, song lyrics (does christina perri also need a warning?)

a/n : i wanted to rewrite and retransform my jared padalecki miscarriage chapter for someone new  who is max verstappen so, that is what i'm doing. however, this isn't going to be sad the entire time so, don't worry you won't be crying/sad the entire read. as always, song lyrics are italicised bold, flashbacks are italics and present time is normal font. whilst the wags of the f1 racers are the same, except for max's obviously so kelly and p do not exist in this timeline. also, again, dodgy english to dutch translation will be used. 

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey!

ophelia verstappen, wife of formula 1 red bull driver max verstappen, had just been given the best news that she could have ever found out. she was pregnant with their first child. she couldn't believe that finally, she was going to become a mum and her husband, max, was going to become a dad.

she frantically found herself putting together a box of things to surprise max with to let him know the amazing good news that she had just found out moments ago. just as she was finishing her set up for the surprise, she quickly set up her phone so she could film her husband's reaction when the front door opened and her husband's loud, dutch accent and language reverberated throughout the house. staring at the camera with a frightful look, she waited for her dutch native husband to come into the kitchen, where she had placed the surprise present for him to open.

"goedemiddag schatje! ik ben thuis!" max called out in dutch as ophelia smiles at the camera after it first made her jump as she waits for her husband to come into the kitchen good afternoon baby! i'm home!

"hé schat, ik ben in de keuken!" ophelia calls out as max giggles as he puts his stuff down in the entryway of the house, minus his phone and walks into the kitchen to see his wife hey baby, i'm in the kitchen!

"hey schat!" max mumbles as he swoops in, not even noticing the fact that his wife was filming the both of them as he pulls her in for a hug as she chuckles hey, baby!

they talk for a few minutes more in dutch without max even realising the present on the counter right in front of him nor his wife's iphone that was filming them until ophelia nudges him and forces him to notice the present.

"oh, schat, ik heb ook een klein cadeautje voor je," ophelia forces her husband to notice the present as he chuckles, placing his phone in his red bull hoodie pocket as he then looked down at the counter - finally noticing the white box in front of him oh, babe, i also got you a little present

"phee, schatje, waarom? het is niet mijn verjaardag of kerstmis of zoiets! waarom heb je mij een cadeau gegeven? fuck, vertel me alsjeblieft niet dat ik een verjaardag van ons heb gemist!" max panics as he tries to remember if he had missed any anniversaries or anything as he loosened the pretty bow and opened the lid of the box phee, babe, why? it's not my birthday or christmas or anything! why did you get me a present for? fuck, please don't tell me i missed an anniversary of ours!

but, in saying that though, max was very sceptical in opening the box lid which made ophelia laugh but also riddled her with anxiety that maybe, he wasn't exactly ready for a baby and to become a father. or that he even wanted to become a dad. i mean, they were still pretty young, the both of them in their mid-twenties. and, right now, max was in his prime with formula 1 right now, winning many races throughout the season. so was it the right time? however, all that fear and anxiety went away instantly the moment when max just fell into ophelia's embrace and immediately started to burst out into cries of happiness. she knew it was happy tears due to the way she watched her husband's face contort before he hid it in her shoulder.

"baby, are you serious?" max whispered, his dutch failing him as the couple hugged, max was not able to speak any louder as ophelia giggled and nodded her head

"ja, ik meen het absoluut, schat, ik ben zwanger!" ophelia spoke softly in dutch and lovingly with excitement as max just stayed silent as he hugged his wife tighter as she giggled yes, i'm absolutely serious babe, i'm pregnant!

"how far along? does it say on the, on the thing?" max mumbled to himself, still not trusting his dutch as he grabbed the clearblue pregnancy test to see how long his wife was in her pregnancy when he smiled - she was around five weeks along

"ben je blij schat?" ophelia mumbled as she giggled, max nodding his head as he wiped his tears away as he chuckled softly you happy baby?

"you're five weeks along, i'm more than happy baby! we're gonna be parents! we're going to have a little family of three!" max spoke softly as he smiled the brightest he had ever smiled since their wedding day

"ik weet het, maxie, het is gek!" ophelia giggled as max then grabbed his phone to take a photo before ophelia stopped him i know, maxie, it's crazy!

"wat ben je aan het doen schat?" ophelia giggled as she sat herself up on the kitchen counter next to the box that was used for the announcement what are you doing babe?

"i want to post it to instagram... and tell the rest of the f1 fam..." he trailed off like a kid as ophelia giggled as she had now stopped filming on her phone

"...how about we just keep it between us, i'm already five weeks which means i'm not that far away from being twelve weeks which is when it's recommended to tell people since that's when concerns for pregnancy loss drop around this time. we only have to wait six more weeks until we can tell people, do you think you can wait for that long?" ophelia explained, switching to english as max placed his phone down and nodded his head, wrapping his arms around his wife and now their little baby

"that's absolutely fine with me babe! i can definitely wait six more weeks before telling people! but, holy crap phee! you're actually pregnant with an actual human being just chilling in you right now! we made that!" max started to rail off as ophelia laughed at her husband as she nodded her head

" i know babe! we've actually made a full-on human that's literally growing inside of me right as we speak! just a little crazy but, i'm so excited!" ophelia spoke in between bouts of laughter as max shook his head, a big smile on his face as he hugged his wife again

°∘❉∘°

six weeks had passed when the verstappen's had been given the all-clear with telling people about their pregnancy. and right now, thankfully, it was off-season of the f1 competition for a few months and were all off in their hometowns with their own friends and families which made it difficult to tell them in person. until ophelia remembered the group chat that they had with each other and decided to tell him that way since it would be a little bit until they'd all reunite with each other so, group chat was the best way to tell them. 

f1 grid + wags

max, pierre, lando, lewis, daniel, charles, george, oscar, carlos, checo, kika, alexandra, heidi, lily, rebecca and ophelia

max

george, pierre, lando, lewis and 11 others have reacted to this photo

pierre

wait hold up!

lando

oh my god!! congratulations you two!!

kika

you can't just do that and leave the chat!!! max, ophelia's actually preggers?!

daniel

duuuuuuuuuuuudddddeeee ain't no way! congratulations! that's amazing news!

lewis

wait, phee, you've been pregnant how long?! when the fuck did this happen?!

alexandra

max! phee! you guys i'm crying! congratulations i'm so happy for you!

ophelia

awe, thank you, guys! and lewis, to answer your question, i've been pregnant for twelve weeks! when i did the test, i was five weeks pregnant and basically, max wanted to tell everyone, and post it on social media but, i wanted to wait until now basically!

daniel

omg, this is insane! so, wait, you were pregnant when we all last saw each other at wdc, basically? is that what you're saying?!

kika 

holy crap phee! you're really preggers!

lewis

jesus christ girl! you and max are actually gonna be parents!

ophelia

yeah, that is exactly what i'm saying danny, and i didn't even know! because as mentioned before, when i took the test, it said i was over two weeks pregnant and then when i went to my doctor and told her, she basically confirmed that i was five weeks after she had connected the dots to everything i had told her previously

lando

this has got to be an april fool's joke right?! like, this ain't no way at all that max has knocked his wife up!

daniel

lando! that is inappropriate! i am so sorry ophelia!

ophelia

sorry little lando, it isn't an april fool's joke because one, it's not april and two, max has knocked his wife up and he did a pretty damn good job of it too!

ophelia

haha, danny, it's all good, but i have to admit, reading you tell off your former teammate over text is quite funny

charles

and this is why ophelia is my favourite wag! i'm sorry! and, congratulations darling! 

oscar

hear hear charles! i think we all agree!

lily

oh, absolutely charles! i agree also!

lewis

as do i!

daniel

oh yeah, favourite wag ever!

max

and, to end this off, i too agree in saying that ophelia is my favourite f1 wag!

lando

okay yep, i'm sorry! i was wrong, you guys are right!

charles

wait, phee, now that you are twelve weeks pregnant, and you're telling us, will you be announcing it to social media or do you think you'll wait a little longer?

ophelia

umm, funny thing, maxie and i just had this conversation and, since we honestly had no itch to tell our followers but had the itch to tell you guys, i think he and i will wait a little bit longer before telling everyone on social media!

charles

oh yeah, that's absolutely fair! well, if you and max can wait then, so can everyone else i mean, what they don't know won't hurt them!

pierre, lando, lewis, daniel and 9 others sent heart.

kika

smart choice phee! but, omg, i'm still trying to believe that you're actually preggers! you're growing an actual human inside of you, right now!

ophelia

i know kika! max was constantly saying the same thing which would constantly make me laugh because he was right! i'm literally growing a whole ass human inside of me!

however, not even a full two weeks after this group chat conversation, as everyone was brought together in excitement for the verstappen's and their exciting pregnancy news, ophelia's biggest and worst nightmare came true - miscarrying their baby.

you'll never know dear, how much i love you, please don't take my sunshine away.

only days before ophelia miscarried their baby, was she singing a sweet, famous lullaby to her belly that only sported a little rounded bump. as she sang the words of christina perri's cover version of "you are my sunshine". she was sitting on the couch, her feet resting underneath her bum as she sang whilst her hands rested on her bare pregnant tummy. with her husband home from work, max smiled as he sat down next to his wife, his head resting on her shoulder as he was the third and fourth hands to join in the rubbing/resting on the pregnant belly.

"you'll never know how dear, how much i love you, please don't take my sunshine away," ophelia sang softly to the little baby that was peacefully resting in her belly as max smiled lovingly

"Ik ben benieuwd of baby verstappen een jongen of een meisje wordt," max spoke softly, as not to disturb the gorgeous serenity that was his wife's singing voice and what it brought to the baby as she smiled i wonder if baby verstappen will be a boy or a girl

"zolang baby verstappen gezond is en ik gezond ben, dat is het enige dat telt, schat," ophelia whispered back as max nodded his head, more than satisfied with his wife's answer as long as baby verstappen is healthy and i'm healthy, that's all that matters babe

the happy couple and their baby just rested against the couch for the rest of the night as they watched movies on netflix before the night drifted away from them and it was suddenly coming close to 11 pm - time for the verstappen's to go to sleep.

however, for some off reason, ophelia couldn't seem to get herself to fall asleep comfortably because she was suddenly starting to feel some pain which, wasn't just worrying her but also max. thinking she could get through the pain, ophelia just tried to slowly move through it like she usually would when she'd cramp up, however, this time, a searing pain went through her whole body which led to the loudest scream to fall from her mouth. this was when ophelia and max knew that this wasn't normal and that they needed to get to the hospital quickly.

max verstappen, straight away, everyone knows that he is very levelheaded and calm and collected. however, for the first time in what felt like forever, he didn't feel like that. but, he knew he had to be when his wife couldn't be. so, calming himself down to the best of his abilities, he picked ophelia up, being mindful of the stabbing pain she was in and her slight pregnant belly that had reduced his normally composed wife to tears. quickly, via voice control, sending a text to the f1 grid group chat, letting them know. then messaged charles and his girlfriend alexandra because they were the other couple from the grid who they knew were definitely still in monaco. messaging them to see if they were able to meet up at the hospital with them, just for some extra support since the verstappen's were in the netherlands currently. the group chat was bombarded with worries and prayers whereas charles responded straight away saying he was ten steps ahead due to being the first one seeing the messages from the group chat.

thankful for their f1 grid, ophelia and max got into their car, on their way to the hospital at 11:30 pm. then, fifteen minutes later, the verstappen's had been given the heartbreaking news that, in fact, they had miscarried baby verstappen at just over twelve weeks.

the other night dear, as i lay sleeping, i dreamed i held you in my arms.

ophelia couldn't dare to fall asleep knowing now that she had lost her baby. she couldn't even think about sleep anymore now that all she'd dream about is holding her newborn baby with max next to her as they both cried tears of joy, relief and content for their new child. but, that was no longer the dream that they were going to be getting in real life in nine months. in nine months, the husband and wife would probably still be crying over this loss when it came to the guessed due date. max was broken by the fact that ophelia wasn't sleeping. it broke his heart every night that whilst she laid in bed beside him, not able to fall asleep, he could fall asleep. it honestly made him feel like he wasn't grieving properly or that he had stopped grieving entirely or that he wasn't upset at all. it made him feel like he was being an awful husband for not staying awake for her whilst her brain ran wild whilst he slept like it didn't bother him. but, it did bother him. it bothered max so much more than he allowed people to know, including ophelia. every time max closed his eyes, all he saw was the innocent little baby that was going to be his and ophelia's first child, their first love. but, by the time he woke up, the image would be gone in the blink of an eye so when he closed his eyes again, the image would have changed to the moment in the hospital where the doctor had confirmed the news that was always going to haunt the couple for the rest of their lives - that they miscarried their first child.

most times, when he knew that she wasn't paying attention or was away at work since apparently, she was fit to work again, max would let himself cry because he knew that when his wife wasn't at home or paying attention, he knew he wouldn't get caught or be heard. since it was so easy when ophelia was working, the way he'd cry when he did know that ophelia was home would be to go upstairs into the room where his simulator system is set up, where the room was soundproofed and he would just cry and cry and cry himself raw until he couldn't cry for the rest of the day. then, after he finished weeping, he'd emerge from the room as if everything was normal and totally fine. only to go back to sleep next to his wife and then wake up to do it all over again the very next day, depending on whether or not ophelia would be working or not. since it was very rare for max to cry, it was clear that this loss of his first child was gut-wrenching for him. he hated that he was crying himself out all on his own whilst his wife was working or when she was laying on the couch watching tv, absolutely clueless as to why he would be spending so long in the sim room or wondering why he slowly stopped telling her how his day went when she was at work. max silently hoped that one night, he left the office door open on a day that he knew ophelia wouldn't working and had her hear him cry and hoped he did because, the last time he cried over the miscarriage, he "forgot" to close the door to the sim room and ophelia had heard him. rushing down the stairs and down the hallway to the office when she heard crying and was concerned. so, in worry for her husband, ophelia called out her husband's name, expecting to hear a response, like "just a minute babe" or "i'm finishing this race, just a sec" but, all she got instead was a weakened sob. it had obviously come from her husband as they were the only ones in their house but, it broke ophelia's heart. and it really made her think - how long had max been crying on his own on the couch and in the sim room about the miscarriage when she'd be at work or when she was so engrossed in her own grief about their loss?

"maxie, schat, alles goed?" ophelia whispered in dutch softly, resting herself against the door frame as she could tell that max was trying his best to calm himself down but wasn't able to as another sob rocked his body maxie, babe, you okay?

she spent two minutes resting against the door frame, hearing the whimpers and sobs that max tried to control, no realisation that his wife was right there against the door hearing him cry. however, two minutes was too long as she knew she couldn't stand by any longer as her husband continued to cry, not able to calm himself down. ophelia couldn't believe that she hadn't realised until tonight that misha had been crying and grieving all on his own. she was annoyed at the fact that he was doing this when he knew that she wasn't paying attention or at work but she was never annoyed at her husband because it wasn't his fault that he was crying alone and she was mad at the situation, not him. however, max couldn't cry on his own anymore and ophelia wouldn't allow herself to be ignorant of it anymore. she had to make herself known to her husband and make sure that he knew she was there for him and that she wasn't ever going to let him cry and grieve on his own anymore.

to gain her husband's attention, ophelia knocked on the side of the door as she heard her husband's sobs as he begged the oxygen in his lungs to let him breathe, but wasn't able to due to the amount of crying he'd been doing. max walked in without a second to think, knowing that she now needed to get her husband to breathe normally again and to also slow down his tears for they weren't going to make his panic attack any better. or possibly make him sick, maybe not physically but it was for sure going to make him dizzy and maybe a slight bit nauseous if he kept going.

immediately, ophelia got down to the floor to her knees, identical to max and pulled him closer to her body to see if her normal breathing pattern could get the distraught dutchman breathing back to normal. holding him close, ophelia had one hand tight around his back with the other one lightly fluffing his hair as a way to calm him down.

it wasn't until an entire hour later that max was no longer audibly sobbing and only had tears slip down his cheeks as he sat with ophelia, their backs against the office wall with his head in her lap as ophelia brushed her fingers through his scruffy hair.

"hoe lang doe je dit al schat? waarom heb je het mij niet verteld?" ophelia asked softly as she continued to brush her fingers through her husband's hair as he sniffled how long have you been doing this babe? why didn't you tell me?

"every night since we lost the baby... i-i guess i didn't tell you because i didn't want you to worry about me because you needed to focus on yourself and your own recovery as well as being back at work. so, i-i guess i just thought that if i did it in here when you were at home and then in the lounge room when you were at work, you wouldn't worry about me..." max trailed off, his voice breaking as he spoke in english as ophelia's heart broke hearing that

"...maxie, you know you could've cried with me. the amount of times you've comforted me when i've been a mess, you knew you could have come to me and i'd have been there immediately. i've already focused on myself and my recovery, i am now worried because you were all on your own as you cried for all this time. you didn't need to hide away in here when i was at home and nor did you have to do it alone when i was working. you wouldn't have made me cry or feel worse if i heard you crying if that was your main concern. i would have gotten my arse off the couch and i would have been right here. please, don't run and hide away next time you need to cry, okay?" ophelia whispered as she caressed max's cheek, playing with his hair to distract him as he nodded his head, another tear slipping down his cheek as ophelia caught it with her finger as he chuckled softly

"mhm, i know," max mumbled shyly as ophelia smiled softly at her grieving husband - her husband that rarely felt safe and secure enough to open up 

"then why didn't you and, tell me the truth babe, the full truth," ophelia spoke softly, not in a pushy matter but with sensitivity and max appreciated it

"you were the one that carried baby for twelve weeks when we lost them. i-i just thought that because you're the mum and the one that's pregnant that i shouldn't be so upset about it. so, i guess i was just embarrassed about crying over the loss since i'm not usually this much of a crier..." max trailed off as ophelia pouted softly as she cuddled her husband closer with an extra tight squeeze

"...oh, lieverd, nee. just because i carried the baby, doesn't mean you can't grieve and be upset over the loss either. it wasn't just my child that we lost, maxie, baby verstappen was yours too. baby was ours. sure, you couldn't and won't ever feel the physical pain that a miscarriage brings and you will never be able to experience it but, that doesn't mean you can't grieve and cry over the loss of what was going to be your child. invalidating your own feelings to be mindful of mine is not okay sweetheart. once again, i'll remind you, you're allowed to cry and be vulnerable. whilst you're a libra, it's well-known how guarded you normally are so the fact you have been crying shows me everything i need to know about who the real max verstappen is and that is okay. you are allowed to cry max because this baby was also yours and you also deserve to miss the baby and grieve over the loss," ophelia spoke soothingly as max nodded his head and sniffled oh, honey, no.

"thanks, babe," he muttered softly as ophelia smiled, nodding her head as she scratched the top of his head, making him smile and groan with delight at the relief her scratches were giving him

"your welcome sweetheart," ophelia smiled as by this time, it was already close to two in the morning so, it was decided that that night for the first time, ophelia was finally going to close her eyes and fall asleep because she had truly exhausted herself out whilst max was also knackered from all of the crying

when i awoke, dear, i was mistaken so i hung my head and i cried

after a couple of hours of sleep, ophelia and max woke up and, just like she imagined, she dreamt of holding their little baby so, she hung her head and she cried. and just like the way she was there for him late that night, max was there as he held his wife tightly as it was now her turn to cry over their shattering loss. although ophelia didn't cry for nearly as long as her husband did, she was still finally also allowing herself to fall asleep even though she knew she'd dream about baby and then wake up to then cry, she knew she was always going to have max there beside her to make sure that she'd never cry on her own like he had been doing for the longest time.

whispering comforting words and sweet nothings to his wife in dutch, max held her as tightly as he could so he could make sure that she knew that, just like she had promised him, she wasn't alone in this sadness and grief of their baby.

for the verstappen's, it took them about three to four weeks of heartwrenching cries after waking up in the mornings before it stopped and were able to go to sleep without dreaming of the baby and waking up in tears because of it. they loved that and called it progress in their grieving and loss journey. the f1 grid family had also welcomed the couple back with open arms when it was time for the new season of f1. it was obvious though when the drivers and wags reunited that they were extremely happy and excited to be reunited with each other again and, the same could have been said with ophelia, kika, alexandra and the other wives and girlfriends of the f1 drivers. 

"phee, how are you and max going after the loss? you guys tried at it again, are you just waiting until it feels right, are you just not trying?" alexandra questioned as she, ophelia and the rest of the ladies waited in the paddock whilst the husbands and boyfriends did some media interviews

"we're going great thanks, alex, umm, we've had a lot of sex as honestly, losing baby wanted me to try even harder for a kid. so, we've decided that we're going to not actively try but not use any protection and just hope that a positive will come at some point," ophelia was confident and all smiles as she explained that to alexandra, kika and lily, oscar piastri's girlfriend

which not just shocked them but made them all proud of her as when they spoke over facetime (mainly alexandra and ophelia), the group couldn't even say certain words like "loss", "sex", and "baby" because it would get too triggering for the grieving girl, reducing her to tears but, not anymore it wasn't

"phee, that's amazing! so, you still getting your period then?" kika then spoke up, the other girls moving closer so no one could hear the four of them as ophelia giggled

"no...i've got a few tests that i'm gonna take today so, i'm hoping that what i think is happening is going to happen..." ophelia trailed off as the ladies were shocked, they couldn't believe that their best friend was most likely pregnant again

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey.

the news of ophelia verstappen's second pregnancy was the best news that she could have ever gotten after that day in the paddock of quali day three of the monaco grand prix with the rest of the ladies and f1 racers. whilst it did give her a huge amount of deja vu of their first pregnancy and ultimately, their heartbreaking loss of the baby, the biggest emotion she felt was excitement and happiness. she was over the moon with the three tests that she held all saying that she was pregnant. and the best part about it was that unlike last time was that, she had gone through her first trimester of being pregnant without even really noticing it. meaning that she was at thirty weeks pregnant and only now just finding out.

ophelia squealed in excitement as she looked at the three pregnancy tests in front of her whilst her midwife could be heard giggling excitedly over the phone. all of the tests said "positive" with her midwife confirming that she was already thirty weeks pregnant and into the start of the second trimester. knowing that she no longer was in the danger zone like last time, she wanted to surprise max again but, this time it had to be better. and better she did! this time, she upped her game and decided to have a special little helper to tell max.

announcing the news to max was probably the most exciting thing ever. just like the first time, he came home, she had set up her iphone to film his reaction as she set out the letterboard announcement for him to be told as she waited.

"phee, i'm home! sorry i'm late, the media interviews went crazy long! where you at babe?" max calls out, too lazy to speak dutch as ophelia giggles softly

"in the kitchen babe, i have something for you!" ophelia calls back out which makes max rush into the kitchen when he stops when he notices what was resting on the counter waiting for him

it took max a couple of minutes to realise but the second he saw the ultrasound photo, it finally clicked in his head again that it was real and that ophelia was pregnant again. overwhelmed with happiness, his knees buckled and he dropped, his hand gripping the counter so he wouldn't fall and he broke down into tears, the one thing that max felt as though he had spent half of this last part of this year and the last year doing.  ophelia smiled, giggling softly at her husband. joining her husband, she brought him close as they rejoiced together in the fact that they were getting their rainbow baby. crying into his wife's embrace, max couldn't believe that he was going to be a dad. not really caring whether it was a boy or a girl, all he cared about was the fact that his wife was already over the first trimester and that they finally had a fair chance of having a healthy and successful pregnancy together.

immediately, just like the first time, with some reassurance from the midwife that it was okay, they told the rest of the f1 grid family and even better reactions came through over the first time. due to the newest baby being a rainbow baby, there was a lot more happy crying as their first reaction to the news which, seemed to be the best but common reaction when ophelia and max told someone. the best reaction, however, had to of come from lando and charles. they were told separately after the rest of the grid and wags had been told. max told lando and ophelia told charles, alexandra with him since she had been told moments before. both lando and charles cried as they rejoiced that finally, their best friends and family were becoming parents after the loss of their first baby.

it was just a week after the start of their second trimester that the verstappen's finally decided that not only would they start to post and announce their rainbow baby but they'd also talk about the miscarriage they suffered a couple of months earlier. 

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maxverstappen1 five months ago, opehlia had gotten pregnant with our first baby and only very few knew. we were overjoyed as were our family and friends that we had told. the second photo is from five months ago in comparison to the first photo that is us announcing our second baby (surprise!). we were so excited to announce the first pregnancy but it never got to happen because we lost the baby and it was a pain i thought i'd never experience. in saying that though, there's nothing wrong with trying for a second time because the universe does work in mysterious ways. ophelia is pregnant again with baby number two and we are all so excited as we move into the second trimester.

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opheliaverstappen that day i told you about this new pregnancy, i really did think i was going to have to restart your heart because of how much you were crying, i genuinely thought you weren't breathing. but, i am so glad we finally got to share this new pregnancy alongside the pain of the miscarriage

maxverstappen1 opheliaverstappen in all honesty, i thought the same thing at one point! but, i am so ready to watch you and our child grow throughout this pregnancy schat!

landonorris i'm sorry but, i am still in tears over this! and to tell us just before going on camera for media interviews too! holy crap!

maxverstappen1 landonorris maybe it wasn't the smartest and most efficient time and place to tell you but we genuinely couldn't hide it from you and charles anymore!

danielricciardo congratulations again you two! you'll be the best parents ever!

maxverstappen1 danielricciardo thank you danny! that means a lot

charlesleclerc i agree with lando, i think i'm still too emotional over this news! congratulations you two, alex and i love you both dearly 

maxverstappen1 charlesleclerc honestly, same! 

francisca.cgomes seeing the reactions of the others to the news was honestly the best part about the whole thing!

maxverstappen1 francisca.cgomes i know! it felt so cheeky to tell them whilst you and the others all knew! 

carlossainz55 congratulations max and phee! you'll be the best parents ever! 

maxverstappen1 carlossainz55 thanks mate!

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opheliaverstappen before the joy that is max and i's second baby, five months before, i was pregnant with our first baby. however, it was obviously not the right time as heartbreakingly, at around twelve/thirteen weeks, we lost our baby and i miscarried. this was of course, devastating for max and i, it was gut-wrenching. the first three months were the worst. i never thought i'd see that much heartbreak and grief from my family. losing our first baby after we had been trying so hard to concieve only to miscarry afterwards was soul-destroying.

now, max and i are both in a much better place with our grief and now that i'm at the beginning of my second trimester with baby number two, we feel comforted and feel so blessed because we know that this isn't the reality for most families. and it's something we're not taking for granted at all. the first photo, like max mentioned in his post, is the surprise i put together to tell max that we were pregnant again and the second photo was from when max, myself, charles and alexandra were at the hospital after finding out about the miscarriage. the story behind the photo is that i had to stay in the hospital a little bit longer than the four of us liked but, it was just to keep an eye on me. with the consideration that i was experiencing a lot more pain than what was normal so they had to keep me in for supervision. the photo of max and i was taken by charles. even though it doesn't look like max or i are upset, we were asleep because that at the time was all we could do at the time. we were so exhausted to the point that for the first few couple of days, we just slept. then, the third day i knew i wouldn't be able to sleep any longer because i would then dream about our baby we just lost. i would stay awake throughout the night because if i fell asleep, i would dream about the baby and then i'd wake up only to start crying. which was something i had told myself with determination that i wasn't going to do. i didn't want to be the mother who miscarried and just cried about the loss every day. even though i knew that was totally acceptable and more than okay, it just wasn't the grieving mother i wanted to be.

however, i then noticed the way max grieved. i noticed that he had become more quiet and reserved. and i began to worry because he would stop asking me how my day at work was and how his sim races went or what he did during the day. that was when i heard him one day. he was crying. and he had been doing that consistently, all on his own, with me being none the wiser about it. that was when i finally realised that if max and i were going to grieve the loss of our baby verstappen, we needed to do it together. and we did. and now, we're okay and i'm thirty weeks and two days pregnant and baby verstappen is as healthy as their older verstappen baby was. max and i are extremely excited to be parents again and it's all we can think about. now that i've passed all the dates of the possible miscarrying dangers, i'll now be posting my bumpdates and updating you all about the pregnancy. we are genuinely so excited and cannot wait to introduce our baby to you all and i'm sure baby verstappen can't wait either. thank you all for the love and support you guys have given us over these few months even though we left you guys in the dark. it truly means so much to know that you guys still love and support us.

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maxverstappen1 i am so excited about baby two! you are going to be an amazing mum, phee and i can already tell

opheliaverstappen maxverstappen1 awe, schat, you are so sweet! you are going to be an amazing dad!

lily.zneimer i'm so proud of you two for not giving up just because you guys lost the first baby. i cannot wait to watch baby grow inside you, my love!

opheliaverstappen lily.zneimer thank you dee! and i cannot wait for little baby to grow either!

oscarpiastri that photo of you in the hospital after you miscarried and was sent to the group chat via charles is always going to haunt me but, just knowing that the next time you're there, is when you'll be giving birth just takes away all the fear

opheliaverstappen oscarpiastri oh absolutely osc, that photo is a photo i never thought would ever have to be seen, taken and then seen again. and i agree, the next time i'll be at the hospital will no doubt be the best day of my life

gerihalliwellhorner congratulations ophelia and max! you guys really deserve a family! cannot wait to watch you on this journey phee, you and max will be perfect parents!

opheliaverstappen gerihalliwellhorner awe, thank you geri! that means so much!

christianhorner so close to getting our next f1 racer

opheliaverstappen christianhorner christian, just wait until our baby is born before you make these comments please 

you'll never know dear how much i love you, please don't take my sunshine away

a little over eight months later, ophelia had given birth to a very healthy little boy, ezra daniel verstappen. ezra was max and ophelia's pride and joy and was loved by everyone. but especially by his f1 uncles and aunties and that was always shown since he was constantly being spoilt, especially by his godfather and favourite uncle daniel. but, all the toys, clothes and superficial things he was being given didn't seem to faze the little f1 obsessed boy as all he cared about now was the fact that he was going to be an older brother for a third time. and yes, you did hear that correctly, ophelia and max were bringing their third and final cherub into the world after a little over a year ago had introduced their second little boy, tristan brooks verstappen into the world before falling pregnant with their who their thought was their final baby that turned into plural when it was discovered that this final pregnancy was twins. i mean, the verstappen's didn't plan on having more than three kids but, they loved the idea of having two boys and two girls so, they were pretty pleased when they did find out that the gender of the twins were two identical twin girls. so, completing the verstappen family were two little girls. the photo that ophelia posted to announce that she was pregnant with her twins was a photo of when she was heavily pregnant since she had already given birth to their twins. she decided that instead of how she announced ezra and tristan's pregnancies to the world that she'd wait until maternity photos had been taken and then give birth to the girls to announce that she and max had given birth to their twins. even though max and the other other drivers had constantly talked and celebrated over it during the current race season, max and ophelia still wanted to post about their little girls since it had been a few weeks to a month since giving birth to them. 

liked by maxverstappen1, charlesleclerc, francisca.cgomes, landonorris, christianhorner and 881,43k others

opheliaverstappen jules heaven verstappen and geneva ophelia verstappen, we have waited so long for you my loves. ezra and tristan are so excited to meet you i think they're being a lot more impatient than mummy and daddy are. these photos are probably the sweetest, funniest and most tear-jerking photos i have in my camera roll. the first two, i was still pregnant with little jules and geneva and, the third one, they were brought earthside and we couldn't be more blessed that the two girls are finally here. jules is older by two minutes with geneva born two minutes later, both in march, my two little water babies just like their mummy. the third photo is of me with the little loves, photo courtesy of their godfather, charles since their daddy was taking care of their older brothers. the photos you may see later are of the two boys meeting jules and geneva for the first time because it is quite the adorable moment. jules heaven and geneva ophelia, you both are so loved by so many my little ocean babies. i am so blessed, as is your daddy, older brothers, aunties, uncles and cousins that you have finally joined our family. the meaning behind the names of jules and geneva are as simple as possible. jules is named jules heaven because of her beautiful godfather's godfather, the ever-etheral and angel on earth and heaven, jules bianchi. i knew from the moment max and i found out we were having twins that charles was going to be the godfather to both girls but one of them, whoever was the eldest, was going to be named after jules. geneva was called geneva because that is my older sister's name and it's self-explanatory why her middle name is ophelia so no explanation there is needed. like previously said, we had been waiting for jules and geneva that when we did find out we were pregnant with the two of you, we jumped for joy. ezra and tristan also jumping for joy when they found out they were getting not just one baby sister but two! tristan especially loves the fact that he finally gets to be a big brother after being the baby but especially to two sisters. we love you forever jules heaven and geneva ophelia. 

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maxverstappen1 ok, well shit babe, you made me cry all over again! i knew we made a great choice by naming one of our daughters jules 

opheliaverstappen maxverstappen1 we really did make a great choice. i already know just how connected jules and charles are going to be

charlesleclerc i still cannot believe that you finally have your little girls and that one of them is named after jules as well as making me their godfather! thank you so much, ophelia, i could never thank you enough for giving me the blessing to be involved in your kids' lives! 

opheliaverstappen charlesleclerc we can't either and, it was a decision we had made from the very beginning and there was no way we weren't going to stick to it. we love you more than words could ever express charles! you already are the best godfather to little jules and geneva

francisca.cgomes i still cannot believe we'll all get to meet little jules and geneva soon! they are just gorgeous, phee! 

opheliaverstappen francisca.cgomes i know kika! i cannot wait for you to meet them! 

landonorris oh my god! i still cannot believe that jules and geneva are finally here! the love these two princesses are going to get is going to be neverending

opheliaverstappen landonorris i'm still struggling to believe it too, lan! and i agree, they'll be protected for life as well

christianhorner congratulations ophelia, max and to ezra and tristan! jules and geneva are gorgeous! how generous of you to name your eldest daughter after bianchi! that'll mean so much to those who loved and knew him dearly

opheliaverstappen christianhorner thank you so much, christian! and i was always going to name my eventual daughter after jules, how couldn't i? he was my best friend's godfather, there was no way jules would never not be in my life in someway! 

liked by opheliaverstappen, victoriaverstappen, danielricciardo, landonorris, gerrihalliwellhorner and 223,34k others

maxverstappen1 introducing babies three and four, identical twin girls jules heaven and geneva ophelia verstappen. ezra and tristan are a little too obsessed with their twin sisters at the moment but, honestly, we're just glad we've completed our small family and we're just relieved that the two boys love their twin sisters. the first photo is of ophelia, pregnant with the girls at the beach with ezra on her shoulders, i had tristan with me so that's why he wasn't in the photo and, i just thought it was too good for me to not post. the second photo is of ophelia, looking absolutely stunning. if you can't already tell, we loved taking pregnancy photos at the beach so yeah, enough said! the third photo is of mummy, tristan and the girls, once again, at the beach but this time in the water as this was relatively early in the pregnancy before we even knew that we were having twins. and the last photo is of ezra and tristan with the two girls and we just love how beautiful it is. we love you so much jules heaven and geneva ophelia, thank you for completing the verstappen family. 

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opheliaverstappen lordy lord, there are so many photos of ezra and tristan with the girls that at this point, i think that's all i have in my camera roll right now. but, that's only because i keep on taking photos of them together.

maxverstappen1 opheliaverstappen my camera roll is the same and i am not complaining! we make some very cute kids!

victoriaverstappen i'm going to cry omg, even just looking at these photos, it's insane how quickly jules and geneva have both grown and they're not even a full month old yet!

maxverstappen1 victoriaverstappen speak for yourself, vic! i thought having two little boys would have made me all the more emotional but no, the moment phee and i found out just the one baby was twins but girls, i was gone and it was as though i was the one that was pregnant!

danielricciardo this is lovely, max! both jules and geneva are just gorgeous and growing so quickly! heidi and i cannot wait to see the little angels again! we are so excited! 

maxverstappen1 danielricciardo i know, both girls are mum's twins, funny enough! and the boys and twins are getting excited to see their aunty and uncle as well! 

landonorris i can't stop looking through the photos that you and phee have sent to us of the twins! they're both just too gorgeous to look away!

maxverstappen landonorris that's basically me every single day, i just can't stop looking at them and holding them! i genuinely still cannot believe me and phee have two little girls

gerihalliwellhorner oh, aren't jules and geneva just beautiful! you and phee really have made the most gorgeous-looking kids! i cannot wait to just squish jules' and geneva's little cheeks!

maxverstappen1 gerihalliwellhorner aren't they just, geri?! and i know, i said the same thing and, i squish their cheeks all the time and even then i need to do it more

what originally started off for the verstappen's as a heartbreaking miscarriage turned into them having a gorgeous little family of six with their four beautiful kids, ezra, tristan, jules and geneva alongside their f1 grid family.

ophelia and max's sunshine was no longer taken away from them.

fin

i cannot lie, i really did enjoy rewriting and reimagining this as a max fic and now i'm really considering making this into a fully-fledged book after saying i wanted to do it with other versions. oof, i'm really proud of this one-shot rewrite i can't lie lol! 

[yourfavoritehorseman]

I need to vent about something so maybe I can quit dwelling on it and actually write the fics I've been working on:

Some time ago, I was having a conversation with someone who I thought was something akin to a friend. We mostly just worked together, but we used to bitch to one another a lot. It was cathartic.

We've also both have fertility issues. She does have two children, though. Both are from a previous relationship and she's thus far been unable to conceive with her current husband. The doctor's she spoken with haven't had any definitive answers as to why. She's also had to deal with miscarriages, which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

A lot of my issues stem from PCOS. My condition was left unchecked for years due to my family being unwilling to take me to the doctor to find out why I was having some of the symptoms (lack of period or extremely painful period when I do get it to name a few). I'm not quite 30, but my OB warned that it's a very real possibility that I may have to get a hysterotomy in the near future to avoid significant health problems.

I'm trying to make peace with it. Having children isn't exactly my number on goal right now, but there's something about the idea that it may not be an option to me that's sort of final and sad. The added pressure of having relatives and in-laws make it seem as if this thing that's happening to you is just an excuse is another matter altogether.

Anyway, one day this person and I were venting to one another. She turns to me and says with her entire chest, "I do think it's much harder on me because you've never had children. You don't have to wonder why you can't have them with the man you love, but managed to conceive for someone who's a part-time father."

I was stunned. Firstly, I didn't realize it was contest. I genuinely thought we both understood the other. Secondly, I can't fathom how it's easier to possibly never have the choice.

The idea that maybe I'm being selfish and depriving my husband of being a father has crossed my mind several times. He's never made me feel this way, but I know he wanted children at one time.

I do admit maybe it's harder for her because she wants it more than me. Motherhood seems to be where she particularly finds fulfillment and I've never needed it for that purpose. Still, to be dismissed that way was like a hardy slap to the face. Trying to come to terms with this while also being told it's not that bad is a worse feeling that I expected. Plus, I get the added bonus more pressure being on me to conceive before "it's too late." Maybe a hysterectomy would be a small blessing because then I would know it isn't happening and wouldn't even feel like talking about it anymore.

[kaitoukye]

It's 3am, and Saguru is crawling into his nanny’s bed like he was still a young boy. (An AU where Kaito has been KID since 1987 and it is now the 90s in the middle of Kaito’s major villain arc. The people around him suffer the most)

[evilwriter-originals]

Whumptober Day 19 - Endangering

Prompts: Repeatedly Passing Out, Head Lolling

Rated: mature

Warnings: lady whump, blood, mentions of miscarriage

Word Count: 983

Summary: Anaria is stabbed in battle, and Sol has to rush her to a healer to make sure she lives.

Sol held Anaria tightly in his arms. His sword bounced against his hip as he ran. Blood ran into his hands, down inside his vambraces, trickling onto his thighs.

It was Anaria’s blood. She’d been fighting beside him when a sword had gone into her abdomen. She’d screamed, collapsed, and then lost consciousness rather quickly from the wound. Now she was trailing blood everywhere.

Sol’s guards fought around him as he ran, trying to keep them both safe. He had to get Anaria off the battlefield and to a healer at once. 

“Father?” 

“You’ll be okay,” Sol said, and he didn’t know if he believed those words. Tears struck his eyes, his gut churning, adrenaline spreading heat throughout his body.

“Mm, it hurts,” she whimpered. She reached up a hand to try to clutch his shoulder, but the hand fell away, and her head lolled. She was unconscious again.

“Gods dammit!” Sol shouted. 

He urged himself to run faster.

This hurt. What if Anaria didn’t make it? It would be his fault, wouldn’t it? He’d let her join the battle despite his wishes for her to remain behind away from the war campaign. She’d practically begged him to let her fight, claiming she wouldn’t have her people do anything she too wouldn’t do.

Sol knew there was a wish for revenge somewhere in there, a wish to reach Hakur and take out her rage. That scared him. He’d never expected to see his daughter so filled with agony and fury.

Finally, he was on the outskirts of the battle. He nearly dropped Anaria, the blood making everything slippery. He held on tighter, knew that this gait was probably hurting her, but he had no other choice. 

“Get a healer out here,” Sol ordered once he was safe distance from the cacophony of screams and clashing blades.

One of the guards nodded, taking off into the air so fast that he left a black feather behind.

With the help of his guards, Sol very gently laid Anaria onto the ground. Her blood was all over him, her face ashen. Gods, would she live if she was bleeding like this?

Sol wanted to caress her face, pull the hairs that had come out of her braid back from her face. He wanted to comfort her.

But that would just stain her with red. So he knelt by her, put his hand on her armored shoulder. Her eyes fluttered open, looked around through a haze. 

“Father?”

“Yes, Anaria, I’m here, I’m here.”

“I-I have to tell you something.”

“No, sh, save your strength.”

Anaria reached up and gripped his hand, her hold surprisingly fierce. “I need to… I need to…” She looked like she was close to passing out again.

Sol took ahold of her hand with both of his. “Sweetheart, it’s okay. You’ll be okay.”

“But… but…” Anaria let out a wretched sob. It shook her body, and she continued crying after that, probably from pain. 

“Anaria, sh. My guard went to fetch a healer.”

Anaria nodded, and Sol could see her throat move as she swallowed hard.

“Tell me after,” Sol told her. He desperately wanted to know what she had to say, and was afraid he’d never get to hear it, but he wanted to reassure her that there would be an after.

“Okay.” Anaria let go of his hand. Her eyes closing. “Okay.”

Sol was glad he could still see her breathing. Otherwise, he would have assumed her dead.

“I’m here!” Anika rushed into the circle of guards, took sight of Anaria, and gasped.

“Your Majesty, I need space,” she said urgently, shooing him away with her hands. Sol stood and backed away from Anaria, even as much as it pained him. Gods, she was still bleeding.

Sol tried to keep his tears in as Anika assessed Anaria’s wound. He put his hand to his mouth, bit at his knuckles - a nervous habit he’d never been able to get rid of. 

And then Anika was laying hands on the wound, and a shocked expression crossed her face. Sol wanted to ask her why, but she had to focus, and her expression had changed once again from shock to concern.

Sol felt like it took forever for the wound to knit itself closed, for the flesh to regenerate and the bleeding to stop. Maybe it did.

But eventually, it did stop.

“She’ll live if we can get water into her,” Anika said. Sweat dripped down the sides of her face. It had obviously been a difficult wound to heal. “But there’s something else.” She looked to Sol, expression still rife with concern.

“What is it?” Sol asked, worry eating his stomach.

“She’s… she’s with child,” Anika said. “I’m afraid that the wound will cause her to miscarry.”

Sol just blinked, lowering his hand from his mouth. He didn’t know what to say. Anaria was pregnant? And she’d gone into battle anyway? Perhaps she hadn’t known…

But then Sol remembered how desperately she’d wanted to tell him something.

She’d known. And she’d gone into battle nonetheless.

Sol felt sick. Why had Anaria endangered herself and her heir like this? Why…? He couldn’t figure it out. He just couldn’t.

“My liege?” Anika asked, as if she was repeating herself. Sol drew himself from the depths of his questions and worry. “Are you injured?”

“No.” It was a lie. Sol had a slash on one arm, but it could easily be mistaken for Anaria’s blood. He didn’t want Anika to use anymore of her energy than she already had. The poor woman was covered in sweat from closing up Anaria’s wound.

“We have to get her back to camp,” Anika said.

One of the guards stepped forward to carry her, but Sol stopped her with a raised hand and stepped forward. He alone would carry his daughter. And grandchild. 

And hope that both would make it.

[whotfelsewantedtobelynnyx]

Of all the theories as to how Carmilla and her daughters found eachother in Hell (adoption, reuniting after they died, one or all three being Hellborn, ect;), I think my personal favorite is the one where Carmilla was either pregnant when she died or later gave birth to a child she miscarried when she was alive.

But whether or not that’s true, one of my favorite crack theories/headcanons about Carmilla being pregnant in Hell is how absolutely weird the other Overlords would be about it- because let’s be real, they would absolutely be weird about it. Maybe supportive and weird, but weird.

Zestial, nervously following Carmilla around: My darling. My own heart. I beg of thou, please, for just a moment.

Carmilla, still stubbornly walking around in her ridiculously sharp shoes: I’M FINE.

Zestial, who’s been trying to get her to sit down or at least change her shoes for over an hour: 0,_0

Rosie, crouched at her side with a glass of something red and questionable: I’m telling you, honey, just try this. It’ll cure that morning sickness in a jiffy.

Carmilla, curled up on her bathroom floor: …it disturbs me that I’m nauseous enough to actually be considering this.

Zestial comes to her rescue and shoos Rosie out to go make her some (GINGER) tea before Carmilla can do something she’ll regret.

Alastor, gazing suspiciously: Why on earth is your abdomen moving like that? Is something trying to break out?

Carmilla, too exhausted to deal with this: That movement is my baby kicking, Alastor.

Alastor: Pardon? You mean to tell me that one can see that on the outside? Eugh.

Carmilla, glaring at him: You are so lucky you’re not worth getting up for.

- Rosie insists on throwing her a baby shower. Vox and Alastor get kicked out for fighting and are forced to put together the IKEA furniture for the nursery as punishment.

- I seriously doubt this lot can build and work an ultrasound machine, so something like this is likely.

Carmilla, slowly coming to after giving birth: Mmmh…?

Rosie, happily bouncing one baby in her arms: Oh good, she’s up! Congratulations, sweetie. You have two beautiful daughters 🥰

Carmilla: ….

Zestial, who’s gently cradling the other: Carmilla…? Is something the matter?

Carmilla: …there’s really two of them. I thought I was hallucinating.

BONUS:

Fun fact- some scientists say cats have sensitive enough hearing that they can hear babies’ heartbeats within their mother’s bodies.

Husk, staring at Carmilla:

Carmilla, who’s still processing that she’s pregnant and hasn’t begun telling anyone else: …is something wrong?

Husk, ears bristling slightly: h o w m a n y h e a r t s d o y o u h a v e ?

[rinhaler]

You Deserve Roses and You Know This

✧˖*°࿐ : 18+ only, no minors.    ✧. ┊ ex!Toji Fushiguro x f!reader

Genre: Smut & Angst Notes: reposting from my old account! Warnings: 18+, dubcon, vaginal sex, fingering, oral (f receiving), nipple play, dacryphilia, pregnancy, abortion ideation, miscarriage, depression, adultery, breeding, creampie ♡, smoking mention. Words: 4.1k

“Is it true? Did talking to Megumi make you cry today?” Toji asks you, peeling down your bra strap before sensually decorating your exposed shoulder in delicate kisses.

He didn’t notice, but as soon as the question left his tongue you had instinctively become dead behind the eyes. It was true. You’re an adult, and yet you were brought to tears by his seven-year-old son. It wasn’t that he said anything callous, quite the opposite, really. Earlier that day, Megumi had been sitting playing in your front room. You were babysitting, as you often did, while Toji and his wife were working. Your eyes hold shut as you remember his wife; his beautiful and kind wife while he continues littering your skin in adoration. You shouldn’t be doing this, but you can’t stop now.

Green sparkling eyes looked up from innocent children’s toys to pose you a question – “Why do you hate me?” he asked, genuinely. It was like a knife through your chest. You didn’t hate him. You could never hate him, Toji being partly responsible for his existence is enough reason to adore him with everything you have.

You just wish he was yours.

Toji is patient when he gets his time with you. It’s rare, after all, and he wants to make the most of it. Two large palms settle on your breasts, the straps are down but your bra is still firmly in place. He massages your flesh over the material, lips traversing the expanse of your body until he reaches your pulse point. He licks, slowly, hot eager breath contrasting your own temperature and making you shudder. This, he notices, pulling your back even closer into his chest. His left hand slowly yet forcefully moves up and down your adjacent arm, desperate to dispel the goosebumps that have formed on your skin. He suckles and licks on your ear lobe before nibbling it softly between his teeth. His breathing changes, his mouth level with your ear, he’s going to speak.

“Baby… what were you talking about?” he sighs, an even more chill inducing breath warms the shell of your ear. He pecks against it, the sound of tactile lips puckering slithers directly through your ear canal. You moan, unintentionally, and back further into your temporary lover. He holds your breasts once more; stabilising you, if only a little, as you begin to grind your core against his crotch.

“I- I can’t, Toji—”

Your attention is fixated on him as his hand encases half of your face and turns you to face him. But you both find yourselves closing your eyes as he places a kiss against your lips. It’s slow, yet heated, and you feel him smile into you when he hears you moan into his mouth pathetically. You’re well and truly at his mercy, though you aren’t embarrassed. How else should one act and behave around the love of their life?

“You can and you will,” he explains, biting your lip as he parts from the kiss. A singular string of saliva keeps you connected for a second before snapping. “you can’t have secrets with my son darlin’, you just can’t. So tell me, what were you talkin’ to him about?”

You gulp, nerves overcoming you like never before. Your eyes flutter shut yet again as he diverts his attention from your eyes to your body. The skin behind your ear is the next subject of his eroticism. And yet, he has the gall to chastise you for enjoying it. With one more repetition of tell me you realise you can’t stall anymore. Out of options. And you can’t lie.

“R-Rocco, ah—!”

“How does Megumi know about Rocco?”

“I- I told… him…”

He hikes your leg up so that you’re sitting on his lap like a little girl. The kissing has stopped and the touches have halted. Toji isn’t patient except with you. He’s never looked as furious as he does now, with you. Brows scrunched and the glimmer in his eye you love so much has ceased to exist. His scar looks as raw as it did the day he got it. A non-existent armour made you believe he wouldn’t mind you talking to his son about such a sensitive subject matter, but apparently it is not to be discussed under any terms.

“Don’t you ever talk to my son about Rocco again. D’ya hear me? Never.” he forbids, his eyes seem to soften ever so slightly when he spots that you can’t prevent the way your lip begins to wobble. “If you really wanna talk about Rocco, talk to me. Yeah? No one else, just me.”

“Y-You don’t let me—” you start, your thought isn’t completed. Thoughts are rattled from your mind as he begins manoeuvring you so that your back is flat against the mattress, jade green eyes boring into your very soul as he hovers above you. His arms dip behind your back, finally unhooking your bra and baring your chest to him.

Beautiful, he thinks.

“I’m letting you now.” he explains, his head resting on your chest, looking up with intent behind his salacious stare. He latches onto one of your protruding nipples, taking it between his cracked lips. He sucks and pecks, and it’s almost lazy, but you know it’s with purpose. It’s driving you wild, you can’t help but wriggle helplessly beneath him, desperate to gain some relief on your eager heat.

He pins one of your legs down, stopping you from continuing your movements. It’s torture, you think, he’s expecting you to broach such a heavy subject matter while you’re so desperate for his touch.

“C’mon sweetheart… talk about Rocco,” he commands. You can’t. Tears stream down your face as you do your best to experience Toji whilst thinking back to the past. Your mind spins and you feel as if you can’t breathe. He releases your nipple with an accentuated pop as he smirks up at you. “I remember how scared you were to tell me… when you realised—”

“Fuck, Toji.” you croon, a mischievous finger slithered down your abdomen down the length of your clothed slit. Feather light touches against your clit and your entrance forced your hips to buck upwards carelessly. He snickered, repeating the action again and again. “I- I remember.” you stutter.

You’d only been dating for thirteen weeks. He was yours before his wife entered the fray, before you had to battle for his time and attention. Nerves got the better of you, the thought of admitting to yourself what you already knew made you nauseous beyond any description.

Your period was late.

It was something you didn’t want to acknowledge, let alone inform Toji of. It had been so little time since you began dating. You thought he’d leave you, run away and never look back. So, there was only one thing for it. An abortion. You couldn’t keep the baby if you wanted to keep him. It was your only option. You were stressed, manic, exhausted. But at least you’d have Toji – that was all you cared about.

“You were so scared to tell me, weren’t ya?” he asks, hooking a finger beneath your panties before settling it in your inner thigh crease. He plunges a finger inside of you, chuckling when more obscenities fly from your mouth as your head falls backwards into the plush pillows. One of your hand grips the sheets below, whilst your other almost tears his hair from the roots. So little attention, and yet such a big reaction from you. “Thought so little of me, baby, ‘m sorry.” he finishes, adding a second finger to your scorching heat. It's almost as if the air in your lungs has frozen, weighing you down. It’s preventing you from speaking. From breathing. Even thinking.

It was confirmed when you finally took the plunge and decided to do a pregnancy test. Big, black, bold text told you the answer and where your future was heading. Motherhood, for certain. But you knew you had to take care of it before Toji became suspicious. It was something you didn’t even want him to know you were going through. Everything with him was perfect, it wasn’t something you wanted to ruin over something you believed could be easily taken care of.

So… why were you crying every day?

That’s what he asked you. You hadn’t been yourself, and that is what gave you away. Jokes he told that you found funny didn’t seem so funny anymore. The way he traced his fingers up and down your arms made you defensive, and paranoid. You didn’t want him to touch you in case he somehow sensed it in his fingertips. If he felt you he might just know that you’re carrying his child and he’ll skip out on you.

It all came to a head one day after you finished throwing up. You couldn’t keep your cries silent. Your body was betraying you, you felt hurt in ways you never had before and it was becoming impossible to keep it all to yourself. You didn’t dare tell a soul for fear of Toji finding out through the grapevine. But enough was enough, he thought.

“You need to tell me what’s going on with you.” he told you, but you shook your head.

“I can’t Toji, please. Trust me, I can’t.” you explained, “It’s fine… I will ruin everything if I tell you so… so I’m… I’m taking care of it—”

“Cut that shit out right now. This has been going on a fuckin’ while and I can’t stand to see you like this,” he responded, moving his head as you moved yours. You were trying to avoid his piercing glare, but he wouldn’t let you. He couldn’t. He’d never of forgiven himself if you carried on like that, unable to share your woes, and did something you might regret. “Trust me, I’m beggin’ you to trust me, baby.”

He forced you to sit down, and face him. He wiped away your tears with his thumbs and kept all of his attention focused on you as he watched you calm yourself down. Tear filled breaths that clogged your lungs fizzled into shaky exhales the longer you held eye contact with Toji. He wasn’t going anywhere, for now. If you explain you can tell him your plans. Maybe he’d support you if he knew you planned on freeing you both of the burden of parenthood, you hoped.

“I… I’m, uh—”

“Yeah? C’mon sweetheart, doin’ so good f’me just use your words.” he spoke, doing his best to tempt the truth out of you. With one final swallow of terror and closing your eyes for a moment to think, you finally found the courage to confess.

“I’m pregnant,” you blurted out quickly. “but it’s okay I’m gonna get rid of it. Okay?” you fumbled out words quicker than you could think. You just wanted him to know that there was no way you’d be keeping the baby. He was what you needed, not a kid. “Please, I promise I’m going to get rid of it, this is why I didn’t want to tell you. D-Don’t leave me, p-please. You are more important to me than a baby, I just want you. I—”

Your rambling was stifled as Toji pressed a finger to your lips. He kissed you on your forehead, a warm smile filled his features. Instantly, you were relived. It meant that your idea of an abortion was enough to convince him to stand by you. There was no reason to worry yourself sick like that, he was going to support you through it all.

“You don’t have to get rid of our baby,” he smiled.

“W-What?”

“In fact, I don’t want you to do that at all.” he warmly spoke, pulling your body into his and forcing his head between the valley of your breasts. It wasn’t sexual, it was just a comfort to him to hear your heartbeat. “Maybe… we could start our own little family, huh?”

Tears roll down your eyes as you reminisce on it all whilst Toji adds his flat tongue to the equation of his fingers in your cunt. It’s all so romantic and wonderful and intense. You don’t think you’ve ever been happier than you were in that moment. The moment you knew he really would stand by you through anything at all. And despite your assumption, he was excited to become a father. He was excited to have a baby with you.

“I love you, Toji.” you speak, softly, unsure if it was even loud enough for him to hear. Oh, but he did. He doesn’t want to stop lapping at your swollen clit, knowing it’s exactly where you need the most attention right now. But a particularly harsh suckle and pop of the bead is a silent acknowledgement, he promises he heard you. “Gonna… gonna cum. T-Toji—”

“No no, baby, not yet,” he instructs. He removes his fingers from your hole, delicately rubbing them over your sensitive bundle of nerves instead. It’s slow and tormenting, but he doesn’t want you to cum like this. “I was so happy when we found out we were havin’ a little boy, y’know? So damn happy princess.”

You remember it well. Your emotions were running high and you had the ability to blame your hormones when you discovered the gender of your unborn child. But you couldn’t quite believe it when you looked over to see Toji’s eyes, eyes that are normally so strict and stern, glossy with tears on his lash line. He couldn’t help it, he claimed.

“Look what we made.” he pointed, the scan revealing perfectly what a handsome little boy you’d made together.

And later that day, he took you shopping. Money was no object. That is what you both decided. Neither of you could believe how much stuff you ended up buying. Paints for the nursery. A crib. Other necessary pieces of furniture. Toys. Clothes. Everything you thought you needed, you bought. You were both first time parents and completely clueless. So, if a shop assistant recommended it, you bought it.

You spent so much time together painting the walls of your baby’s new room. Toji was very irritable when you kept asking what to do and how to help. The paint wasn't going on as nicely as he hoped and his temper flared, it was extremely evident in his face. What do you do when you see an angry bear? Poke it with a stick. Or in this case, flick paint from the end of your brush at him. When he noticed what you had done and he turned to face you, you swear you could read murder on his mind. But when you began to laugh, he couldn’t help the laugh that snuck out of him.

There was more paint on the two of you than on the walls by the end of it.

“That was the day we decided to call him Rocco…” Toji mused.

He began to kiss up towards your naval and back to your neck. Your fingers laced through his hair as you begged for him to deliver the same salvation he was offering your body to your lips as well. He complied, slow patience had dwindled as your tongues found each other. It was wet, heated, sloppy. You felt yourself drooling out of the corners of your mouth, Toji Fushiguro is just so intoxicating. A drug you can’t quit though you know you should.

He’s all you have.

He doesn’t break the kiss from you, though his hand eventually meets his heavy, wanting cock. He guides it to your desperate entrance, lining it up perfectly before slotting himself inside. His hips roll, bullying his cock into you inch by agonising inch until your lip begins to quiver. He hushes you, though.

You both know you want it.

“I’m s-so – fuck – I’m so sorry, baby. I am so—”

“P-Please, pleaaaase stop.” you beg. He doesn’t. You are the one who wanted to talk about it. So desperate to talk about it that you went to a seven-year-old boy to discuss it. His son. “N-No more, I can’t—”

“It was the worst day of my life, too, I promise you that darlin’.” he mumbles in your ear. The thrum of his words rushes straight to your cunt, and you clench so hard around his cock you think he might have to stay there forever.

You don’t think you’ve ever been as embarrassed as you were when you came home from the hospital. Your pristine white maxi dress, stained in bright red blood by your crotch. The atmosphere in your house was foul. Two solemn adults who had lost everything in a few menial hours. Hollowness filled you, not a single emotion ran through you until you heard Toji a few rooms away. You sat on the sofa, turned on the TV and pretended it wasn’t happening. But you could hear Toji loud and clear.

He was in the nursery.

That was the first and only time you’ve ever heard him cry. A loud thud vibrated through you and you knew he had collapsed to the ground. Melancholy overtook him as his new reality was setting in. Your little boy was no more. No fault of your own, apparently, everyone made sure to repeat that enough times for it to really take root in the depths of your brain.

It didn’t help at all.

You couldn’t bring yourself to check on Toji. That would mean going into Rocco’s room and facing the truth yourself. So, you waited. You waited hours for him to finally come out. He came to see you, resting on the balls of his feet in front of the sofa where you sat. Fresh tears replaced old ones as he noticed the drying blood on your dress.

“H-How about a bath, huh?” he suggested.

You don’t remember saying yes, or nodding. But somehow, you found yourself naked and submerged in a bubble bath. It was like you had left your own body as he did his best to clean you. You could hear him sniffling. He was desperate to talk about it with you, all he wanted was for you to help each other cope. But you couldn’t. So, he did his best to lock it away too.

It was as if you had returned to yourself when Toji took a break from washing your hair to wipe more tears from his eyes. A soft mumbling of ‘Oh, Godddddd…’ trailed from his lips as he tried to pull himself together. And finally, your lip began to jut out helplessly. Your eyes scrunched, and the tears began to flow. You were staring at your bloody dress, and listening to him try and hold it together. It was all equating to too much.

It was real, now.

“Our… baby—” you cut yourself off with a wail, Toji pulled you into his hold and sobbed into your sodden locks.

He hissed with each thrust inside of your gummy walls. A perfect home for him in the form of your bodies fitting together like perfect puzzle pieces. He doesn’t feel like this with his wife, only you. He couldn’t stay away, he’d never be able to do that.

He loves you.

He loves you.

Fuck, he loves you.

“’m not good enough… I’ve never been—”

“Stop it, baby. You are enough, I promise.” he tells you through gritted teeth. It’s getting harder and harder to have a normal conversation while he is fucking you so intimately. Every ounce of his love poured into every devastating thrust.

He loves you.

“Wasn’t good enough for you, or our- our baby.”

“Stop it darlin’. Please stop. I- I need—”

“I can’t live like this-!” you cry out. His hand covers your mouth entirely as his mind tries to process what he needs to say to you. Christ. What does he need to say to you? Everything and nothing all at once. He thinks he should start with I love you. But is he prepared to open that can of worms?

“I need… you. I’m gonna leave her, yeah? My wife. Let’s… try again. Me and you, hah? I won’t pull out this time, let me… let me—”

“Tojiiiii—”

“You’re good enough, baby, more than good enough. I’ll cum inside and we can try again. I need to, I need to.”

Your tears stream endlessly but silently. Is this really what you want? Do you want him to break up his family to satiate your unfulfilled desires? It doesn’t matter. You find yourself nodding anyway. Perhaps it will dull the ache inside of you. It could be the plaster to cover to puncture wound in your aching heart; it’s been bleeding since that day.

Toes begin to curl as he continuously batters the spongy centre that spells your eventual undoing with his fat cock head. He isn’t doing much better. Nobody and nothing will compare to the rush and the high he feels as when your precious cunt swallows him again and again.

“Gonna- cum, with me. Please, baby. Cum with me now.” Toji pants.

Your lips are on his again, both of you focusing on your impending climaxes. The way you break away to moan momentarily before smothering each other in kisses yet again is such a lewd, romantic, high that you can’t get enough of. He pounds you perfectly and it’s an arrangement neither of you have been able to let go of after all of these years.

“Oh God, I’m cumming- cumming baby…” he alerts you. You’re practically choking on your own orgasm as it swims through you. Nails dig into his back as you try and hold onto the feeling for as long as you can. He fills you with his warmth, heaving like a desperate animal while he breeds you to the brim.

What have you done?

Time wasn’t a healer for either of you. The days got harder and harder and you couldn’t even stomach looking at him. Each time you looked at him, you saw what could have been. What should have been. The father of your son. The man who was going to teach him everything he knew and help your little boy cause all kinds of mischief for you.

The man you thought could keep you both safe.

That’s how he found himself married to a woman he would never love as much as he loved you. There was a drift, it was aggressive and painful, yet necessary. But you found yourself brought back together a few years after Megumi was born. You were practically an aunt to his son. A second mother, even. A sordid little secret.

You don’t hate Megumi, you just wish he was yours.

The pair of you got changed after he had his post fuck cigarette, knowing you couldn’t risk dallying for fear of being caught. You didn’t doubt for a minute that if you called him in a few weeks and told him you were carrying his child, he’d kidnap Megumi and run away with you to start your new family life together. And you would love that, you’d love him. You’d love it all.

But, it isn’t right. Is it?

He grabs his car keys, readying himself to drive you home to be alone with your dark thoughts. Before you step outside, though, something plagues your mind. A question that you simply must know the answer to. He looks scared, honestly. The way you’re facing him and eyeing him up as the same words twist and circle through your mind. A heavy hand rests on your waist, the other on your cheek. He’s scared, it’s obvious, but he’s still encouraging you to talk.

“Do you ever think about Rocco?” you ask him, genuinely curious. Toji has never felt the need to bring him up, this is the first you’ve discussed him in years. It kills you to think that Toji has managed to shut out thoughts of his unborn son while you are plagued with them each and every waking moment of your pointless life.

And there it is. That warm, kind smile, that is the Toji you know and love.

“All of the time.”

Four simple words have you breaking down like you did that day in the bathtub. Your head is pulled into his chest as he holds you close and tightly, allowing you to bawl every emotion onto him. You can’t control yourself and you don’t want to stop. It’s fine, he thinks. It’s clear that you need it. At least you know something today that you didn’t know yesterday. One piece of information that might take some of the burden off your own shoulders.

At least you know you aren’t alone.

© 2021 fuwushiguro | © 2023 rinhaler

this is a repost from my old account

[frownyalfred]

Just imagine if Bruce was pregnant and purely due to his blind rage Clark didn’t realize. And bruce didn’t tell him.

When he broke Bruce’s back, that’s when he realized. He’d been hearing two heartbeats that whole time, he just didn’t notice because one was just so faint.

After the torture, he only hears one. His heart breaks just a little bit more, his sanity along with it. That’s the moment he’s too far gone

oh fuck, oh fuck fuck fuck. that's so in-character for Injustice, too. Bruce not telling him, and Clark not realizing. Clark unintentionally ending another life while trying to do something else, again.

[maximumkillshot]

I Can't Lose You-Part 10

Warnings: Bin losing it (yes this is a warning), A person is grabbed, cursing, boundaries, Anger in Bin's mind (You will see why this is a warning), Mentions of miscarriage, Things come to light, health scares, yeah this one is rough, anxiety, regression

Pairing: BangChan X Reader

Characters: everyone except Bangchan is in this, Soo, Reader,

A/N: PART 10?!!! Double Digits already!! Well people here we are at part 10. We are going to

ALL WORK IS UNDER ME AND MY BLOG. DO NOT TRY TO REPUBLISH OR STEAL MY WORK, AS THAT IS COPYRIGHTED UNDER ME AND IS CONSIDERED COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE. 

ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

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Previously:

There was comfortable silence in the car, most silence with Minnie was always comfortable. Then Changbin’s phone rang, Seungmin said “It’s Felix.”

Pick it up.” Changbin said Seungmin hit the green phone icon on his phone and put it on speaker, "Hey Lix we o-"

Felix sounded out of breath, “It’s Soo… she’s here.”

Bin’s POV:

My blood ran cold. We are still so far out. '`Where's Y/N?” was all I could get out. This is why I didn’t want to leave in the first place. This is torture. I know Minho is going to do his best to keep her out, if Soo is anything like Chris, it won’t be easy. I heard, “Where’s Binnie?” at almost the exact same time I asked for her. My foot pressed down on the accelerator as I waited for Felix to answer. I heard bickering in the back, one voice very condescending, “I am just trying to--” 

Then I heard Hyunjin snap, “What? What could you possibly want here? To apologize? To see if she’s okay? Well she isn’t thanks to you. Get out of the room now before I have to put my hands on you and drag you out.” That made me feel slightly better. Knowing that the boys are willing to do anything to ensure her safety. 

Felix responded, “She’s in bed with Hannie but she’s slipping, she’s already stopped answering everyone except for Hannie. She keeps on asking for you and I don’t know what to do.” The worry in Felix’s voice seemed more out of anxiety than danger.

“What about Soo, where is she?” I asked. 

“She keeps trying to get into the room, she walks in and tries to say things to Y/N but we form a wall, her voice is still triggering her. Hannie is trying to calm her but it isn’t working.” I heard more shuffling and more of that woman’s voice, “Y/N just let me talk.” I looked at Seungmin quickly and his face was completely different. He looked like he was going into war, just like mine, I’m sure. More than anything… I’m scared. She needs rest. The doctors said so after the last attack, only Hannie and I know. 

The doctors specifically took a read of her heart during the attack, they’re finding that there may be some changes in it. Something that right now may be harmless, or not, it all depends on how her heart responds to stress. Some people die from stress alone. 

They took Hannie out to explain the last bit and he messaged me later. Y/N is looking like the latter situation, the stress so high that the heart pumps too fast for too long and it just… I can’t finish that sentence. Judging by how Felix is reacting, he just seems normally worried. Fuck, I want her in my hands right now. I need her right now. That’s the only way I can make sure she’s okay. Without that I just feel like I’m living on borrowed time. 

I had to make my voice as even as possible as I made the call, to let the boys know, “Hand the phone to Hannie. After that, tell Hyunjinnah if he has to put hands on her, do it. Y/N is still unstable, the stress will make her heart stop, we don’t have a choice Lixie, she could die. I’ve seen it almost happen. I'll be damned if either of them take her from us. They already took her child, they aren’t getting her. Go and do that now, do it quietly, Lix.”

Felix said, “What?” I can tell he is worried. His face always shows any emotion he has, as well as his voice.

He can’t show worry in front of her, “Felix listen to me, if she can see your face look away from her. You cannot show how serious this is in front of her… Do you hear me?” I have never heard my voice come out this stern, I know he’s scared, I can hear it. I’m so scared if I wasn’t driving I’d be crying right now. 

“Yeah I hear you. It’s okay.” I could hear the uncertainty. Like he is asking for reassurance. I don’t blame him. When I read that text, it felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. She is so important in all of our lives. She may not believe it, but us being where we are now, with her; That is proof in and of itself how loved she is and the lengths that we’ll go through to make sure our family is protected.

“I promise you, if you do as I say it will be okay. I’m not letting her go, none of us are, she needs us to protect her right now. I know you can do that for me. You’re so strong Lix, repeat it to me, what do I need you to do?” I tried to make it as honest as possible. A lot of people see Felix as emotional. He is, but he is the strongest out of all of us, it’s his empathy that makes him so strong in situations like this. After all, I was a crying mess a few hours ago and no one tried to console me except for Lix. It’s because, just from looking at the situation, he can feel what you do. Your pain is his pain. That in and of itself proves invaluable for someone like me, who has problems explaining feelings.

“Hand the phone to Hannie, let Hyunjin know that if we need to use force we will.” Felix repeated it back to me calmly. 

“Good job Lix, hand the phone over.” I was trying to sound as strong as I possibly could. In reality, I feel like I am going into this blind. I know that I’ve seen it before. That doesn’t change the fear that is plaguing me right now. “Hannie, can you hear me?”

“Yeah Hyung.” I heard Han on the other end. He didn’t sound scared, just calm. Someone on the outside would think that’s great news. In reality, it’s terrifying, Han is only calm when he has to be. So to hear him nearly void of any and all inflection tells me that things are serious. “Talk to me, how is she looking?” I want a full picture of how she is doing> Without that I know I will go into a full panic.

“Heart rate’s 110, slowly climbing. Her skin’s clammy, can’t keep her eyes still, she’d starting to slip, Bin. She won’t stop asking for you. She keeps on looking for you. " He then addressed Y/N, “Anya, look at me please, can you do that for me?” Shit… It has to be bad. Hannie almost never uses that nickname. 

He calls her Anya because it’s his favorite character in an anime that both of them love, they rewatch it together all the time. The minute he met her he couldn’t stop calling her Anya. She loved it, of course, since that's her favorite character too. Her hair had pink highlights in it only to add to the nickname. She’s so strong and independent. It fit her perfectly, in Han’s eyes. 

He’s using that to try to get her to go back to a happy time, not the last time she saw Soo, “Remember that day, Anya? The day I gave you that nickname? In New York?” 

I just heard the smallest, most broken voice, “Binnie, I want Binnie to make her go away. Hannie, can you help me find my Binnie please?” I could hear the thickness of unshed tears trying to fight their way out. Hearing her made my eyes wince reflexively. She’s regressing, sounding more like a child by the minute. The pain is literally shocking her back to a time where she had no idea how to handle the pain, but people could help, when she was a child. It was the same thing that happened in the last attack. It’s her brain trying to protect her. 

“Put me on speaker, Hannie.” After I heard some shuffling and what sounded like someone tapping on the phone I said, “Angel?”

“Binnie, where are you?” Just hearing her say that name with that tone, it ripped my heart out. She sounded like she was shrinking, I could sense it in her tone, the way she was holding on to the present.

“I was getting your brownies for you.” I used a lighter tone. I always did with her, I couldn’t help it. The fondness I hold for her constricts my vocal cords, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe around her, not from being suffocated but from being struck by how gorgeous she is. No matter what, even after Chris married her, she always came to me for comfort. Even when we're watching horror movies, she would hold on to me and hide behind my upper arm, gripping my biceps like they had the antidote, the solution. She would hold me like I was going to chase away the monsters on the screen. That reminded me that this time I wasn’t there to chase away the monster, and I felt rage at that, rage and fear.

“Oh yeah… you’re coming back? M’scared.” That tone. She was slipping again, just my luck that right when she said that is when we hit a red light. I looked at Seungmin and he nodded, I blew right through the light. “Make her go away, Binnie, she’s saying mean things,” I started to hear her voice crack, I could see her shrinking in my mind. Trying to make herself as small as possible, trying not to get hurt. Tears started forming in my eyes as I heard her.

“I am almost there, okay Angel? I’m going to make sure she doesn’t come near you ... Can you tell me where MinMin is, Angel?” This question served two purposes. It both keeps her grounded and it gives me a gauge of where I am needed more. Right now I need to know if I need to blow by Soo to protect Y/N, talk her out of a flashback, or if I can deal with Soo personally. All of it hinges on Minho.

“He… He… MinMin?” I heard her ask. I could hear the fear laced in her tone. That tone makes me want to hide her from everyone and everything. 

 Then I heard a soothing tone of voice, “I’m here Beautiful, don’t worry.” It was Minho. That allowed me to breathe for a second. I know Soo won’t touch her.

She answered me,“He’s at the door… Keeping…” I could hear more of a little scuffle, shifting around, sneakers on a concrete floor, talking… But nothing from her.  The closer I listened the more I heard.

“I just want to make sure she’s okay, I’m still her best friend.” I heard Soo say.

Hyunjin fired back with, “No you’re not her best friend. We are her best friends and unlike you, we won’t stab her in the back. Funny how best friends aren’t supposed to do that.”

“Hannie what’s happening?” I couldn’t help the uptick in my anxiety. If I could just look at her, if she could see me and I could see her maybe it’d give me more time. But I can’t, it’s too dark. No matter what I did, whatever solutions I was coming up with it all came down to time I didn’t have to get to her. The threat is there now. Here I am so far away. 

“She’s staring off.” I heard Han and my stomach dropped. 

“Angel? Are you there? Keep talking to me…” I am trying so hard not to add to the chaos. I am doing everything to breathe normally, stay calm. I am struggling, I want her to be safe, that's all I ever wanted, I just wanted her happy and safe. 

“Binnie… why did this happen?” She said, in a very calm tone. That scared me as I am sure Han is watching the heart monitor. I had to snap her out of it. I’m 10 minutes away. I’ll make it in 5. “Hey Angel, let me ask you a question.” I said as I cut through a deserted parking lot, avoiding another light. 

“Yes?” She was close to the phone but so far away in her mind. I was semi- ecstatic that she answered me, usually that isn’t the case. I could hear the disorientation. I had to get her back to the here and now.

“You always wanted to go to Nami Island to take pictures, right?” I asked.

“Yeah! The trees are amazing in spring! And they have snowmen cakes around this time! Every season is so gorgeous.” I could hear some excitement, but overall monotone. It was similar to the voice she’d use when Chris made a promise that she knew he wouldn’t keep. Like she’s already over the thought of what was said was actually going to happen. 

I giggled, “Ok how about when things calm down we go to Nami Island, then? And as soon as the seasons change and Nami Island is at its peak I’ll take you again.” 

“Really?! You’d take me?” It was almost like her mind had to take the time out to realize that I am not Chris and that when I tell her something, that I will do it. That made me feel so sad for her. No one should go through what she went through. 

“Sweetheart, I will take you anywhere all you have to do is say the word.” I said honestly. That’s how it’s always been. Whenever she wanted to go out she wouldn’t go to Chris, he’d get mad for being disturbed, she told me. She hated going out alone though. One day I walked by their room to hear her ask meekly and he told her that his answer won’t change, he had no time for her. I continued to the kitchen and instead of reaching for the preworkout, I looked for any reason to call her over. When I did, I called her over. I could tell she was crying so I just opened my arms, asking what’s wrong. 

“You have been through so much, I just want to see you do what you love, without worry. We can be there as long as you want, okay?” I told her. I already know that I am not going anywhere without her for a long time. Fuck going to the studio. Fuck the 3 hour long dance practices, that is not a things at this point. I know that Chris is going to do anything he can to get to her alone. He is smart, that much is apparent. He’s definitely not going to let her go easily. I can feel my hands subconsciously tightening on the wheel. Just by what I heard from the kitchen minutes ago, he thinks that she belongs to him, that is some fucked up archaic shit. She is her own person. Her own beautiful, loving, caring person. She deserves to be treated as such.

“Thank you, Binnie,” I could hear her tone still small, but excited slightly. 

“Anything for you, Angel.” I don’t think she realizes that I will literally do anything for her. I’d give all of this up. Hell I am still trying to convince myself to stay on this team, I can’t see myself being in a room with Chris again, yet I am expected to somehow cohabitate with him. I can feel the saliva build in my mouth as my intestines twist. I’d do anything to keep her safe, happy. To let her know that she’s loved. 

“She wasn’t taking care of him…. Not the way I could, look at her! She can’t even handle her best friend talking to her!” I heard the sarcasm spew from Soo’s mouth. It made rage build in my stomach. Then I heard Hyunjin again, “You are fucking delusional to think that you are in any league near Y/N. You are a spineless cretin, she’s a caring person. A person who loved you like a sister. The only person who could look at a piece of shit like you and find something good in them.” I couldn’t help the smirk on my face from hearing Hyunjin reading her for filth. “The only reason why she can’t ‘handle’ a waste of space like you is because you did this to her. You broke her along with Chris!”

“Are you coming here soon?” I heard her whimpering as I continued to break every speed limit known to man, “she won’t leave me alone. Make her go away. She’s saying things,” I could hear the shake in her voice. She is trying so hard to stay here in the present.

“Angel, I am one minute away as soon as I get there, I’m going to make her go away. Minnie’s going to come in and take care of you while I make sure she’s gone, okay?” I tried to fight the shaking in my voice, but I can't help it. 

“You’re coming back to me after?” She asked.

“Absolutely, I will be right next to you, sounds good, Angel?” I asked. Being next to her always made me feel like I was home. It was the weirdest sensation whenever we were on tour or anything like that. I never got to see here daily, which was also torturous. I hated it. It wasn’t like I could call her daily either, it was more of a reminder than anything that I am just a friend, not her husband. Being next to her is where I belong. I feel it in my bones. Just thinking about being next to her is soothing to me. 

“Yeah…”

The next minute we were in front of the hospital I looked to Seungmin and he said, “Go, I’ll park the car. I’ll stay on with Birdie in the meantime.” Thank God for Kim Seungmin. I don’t know how he knows what I need to do. Especially when I can’t even keep my head on straight right now. My guess is that he could see the distress in my face. I immediately got out of the car and bolted into the hospital. I was trying to find the quickest way to her, and to get Soo away. I decided on the stairs since she was only on the third floor. I was taking two or three steps at a time. 

The utter desperation I am feeling is something that I have never felt before. I’ve never cared about or for anyone like this before. It’s like the fear and the desperation come with a feeling like my very being is being threatened. I can’t do any of it without her. I’m not just talking about performing and singing, no, I can’t breathe without her. I don’t want to eat, workout, I can’t function, period. That’s why I have to keep her safe. I’m not just protecting her because she is loving and kind, I am protecting her because I love her. She has my heart and she always did, from the second I looked at her she had it. The minute she laughed she had my soul, she may not know it or care in the same way but I don’t care. I love her. 

By the time I made it to the third floor, my lungs were burning, only adding to the rage that I was feeling. I heard Hyunjin speaking slightly louder than anyone should in a hospital hallway as I speed walked down the hallway. I ran into one of the nurses and told them to call security that the other person that caused it is here. I told them I’m taking her to the waiting room to separate her from Y/N. They nodded. The closer I got the more my veins popped. 

One second she was arguing with Hyunjin just inside the doorway and the next I wrapped my arm around her midsection and picked her up, dragging her out of the room as I said, “Hannie, Minho with me. Lix, check on Angel make sure she’s okay, Seungmin-ah is coming up soon.” Then I directed my voice to Y/N, “I’m here Angel I’ll be back in a few minutes.” 

Soo was struggling in my grasp but I didn’t care. I lift almost 300 pounds for fun, and she thinks that she can get out of my grasp? “Get off of me!” She squawked. All I did was glare at her and say, “You and I are going to have a little conversation about boundaries.” 

The nurses that knew who I was at this point, since I had been there the whole time. They also knew that I’m a sweetheart, but they also knew that I love Y/N so their faces also turned with smiles as they saw me dragging Soo. They probably knew from my face alone that I’m currently holding the last of the trash to be thrown out of Y/N’s life. 

I heard Han and Minho’s footsteps behind me as I walked into the waiting room. As soon as the door was closed and locked I grabbed one of the chairs and plopped her in it. “If you move from there. I will pick you back up and put you back. You understand?” I caged her into the chair. She nodded her head, not good enough. “Oh you had no problem talking shit when I wasn’t here, now you’re all of a sudden unable to speak?” She shook her head, “Then fucking use your voice. You’re so brave saying that she can’t handle talking to you yet you forget that you literally KILLED her CHILD.” I screamed in her face, and she shrunk away. 

I felt Han’s hand on my shoulder, silently begging me to back off I’m sure. I have never been this bad  as I backed off and dragged a chair and sat right in front of her, “You are such a piece of garbage. What were you trying to do by coming here?” I leaned back in the chair, not letting my eyes leave hers. Just trying to remind her that right now, if I let myself, I’d crush her in a heartbeat. 

I heard two more chairs dragged next to me. 

She looked at all three of us as she said, “I wanted to see if it’s true, if she really is as broken as I was told.” I could see the corners of her lips fighting a smile. 

“If you don’t wipe that smile off your face, I’ll wipe it off for you.”  Minho glared at her as I stared at her. I knew that Minho is very attached to Y/N. The fact that he is reacting like this, is a little new. He has always had respect for everyone, I can also understand where he’s coming from. She means so much to us. We wouldn’t hesitate. “You wouldn’t dare, Minho,” She laughed.

“He won’t… too much respect… I however,” I stated very matter-of-factly, “Have a very hard line, Soo. I don’t touch women in any violent way ever… But if anyone messes with my family and with whe people I love? All of a sudden gender is irrelevant… So the next time you speak, I recommend you speak with that in mind.” I saw the blood drain from her face, I felt a new level of base in my voice. The anger is starting to reach a level I can’t control.  

Minho added on with “Usually I’d have too much respect. That was before what you said about Y/N.  About her losing the baby being a good thing. That it’d make the divorce less messy…”

My eyes went wide as my heart dropped on the floor, shattered. When did this happen? How did this happen? I looked away from Soo for the first time, “I don’t think I heard you correctly… She said WHAT?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[amberjazmyn]

so much blood 💔

pairing : daniel ricciardo x fem!reader

summary : daniel's wife, alessandra, at a grand prix, suffers from an awfully traumatic late misarriage at five months, right at the 24-week mark where it's considered a stillbirth. the ricciardo's had been trying for children for ages when she miscarries their baby in the bathroom after bleeding profusely before the wags find her. 

warnings :  mentions of miscarriage, blood, tears, hospital, angst, infertility

a/n :  i have already written this multiple times and now i wanted to write it for danny ric. unlike the character in this one-shot, i have never (thankfully) experienced a miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy/ stillbirth etc, however, i do know people who have gone through that and it's soul-destroying. however, this does not mean by any means that i am glorifying or positively promoting the physical and mental tolls that miscarriages have on families as it is awful and very traumatizing. this is just a thing of fiction that i have written with no intentional means to harm anyone. this will also be in lowercase because i just feel like it will set the tone if it's written in all lowercase

attending grand prix's with the rest of the f1 grid was most probably alessandra ricciardo's, the wife of daniel ricciardo, favourite thing to do. especially now that she was carrying the beautiful baby that was going to be her and daniel's future baby and that was what made the australian grand prix all the more special for everyone. however, recently, alessandra had been having some painful and strange cramp-like pains in her stomach and back however, she had just been disregarding them because she didn't want to put more fuel in the fire of her fears of having a potential miscarriage coming true. and besides, the pains hadn't been too extreme that it required looking into so, alessandra just didn't think to mention it to her midwife. especially considering if this baby was to miscarry, it wouldn't be alessandra's first one either. it wasn't new news that the ricciardo's had been trying for ages, since their wedding in 2012, to be parents and everytime they did try, it would always end in heartbreak so, after that, alessandra promised herself and daniel that she'd never ever try to fall pregnant again. that was, however, until they stopped actively trying and one day that alessandra felt similar symptoms, she decided to take a pregnancy test just in case. and it came out positive which brought alessandra and daniel so much excitement that maybe all they had to do was just to not try so hard. all alessandra wanted for years was to manifest a positive, healthy, stress-free pregnancy for herself and her husband. and, as of right now, it seemed as if everything in alessandra's pregnancy was going exceptionally for her now that she had finally reached the fifth month and didn't pursue the same symptoms that she did when she'd never get past the actual pregnancy test saying anything but negative. and, to be completely honest, that knowledge that alessandra had healthily made it to the five-month mark in this pregnancy after so many negative and infertility issues just this past week gave her so much comfort and solace. because it meant that she really was going to be able to give her husband everything he had ever dreamt to have and that was to have a child with the love of his life. 

whilst alessandra, the wags, alexandra, kelly, carola, francisca and daniel's sister michelle were on their way to the garages where they were going to be watching their drivers. but, it was on their walk to their separate garages that they couldn't help but bring up the conversation of baby ricciardo and whether or not they had come up with names just yet.

"---so, whilst you look divine being pregnant, alessandra, have you guys come up with names for baby ric yet?" carola, checo's wife asks as alessandra giggled whilst alex, francisca, kelly and sister-in-law michelle smiled at each other as alessandra rubbed the tiny five-month bump

"uhh, nah, not really. i don't think we're personally focused on names just yet. i mean, i know i'm not, i of course, can't say the same about daniel but, all i know is that scotty and his girl know the gender so, i think that's what we're waiting for," alessandra spoke before the girls smiled, their eyes all focusing and sparkling at the baby bump 

"yeah, i think soctty's actually told me a couple of names he had been thinking about but, for now i think we're still calling the little cherub baby ric," michelle, daniel's sister chuckled as the other girls nod their heads and smile brightly as kelly speaks up 

"well, aless, no matter what gender baby ric is going to be, you and daniel will for sure come up with a beautiful name anyway," kelly coos as she rubbed her warm hand across alessandra's stomach, making the pregnant girl giggle softly due to the tickly sensation it gave her 

however though, maybe the amount of laughter she and the others were doing was not the smartest. a large shot of sharp pain sent shockwaves through the mother's entire body as if it was a giant period cramp. along with the strange feeling of nausea, which alessandra had not once been experiencing, she quickly and quietly excused herself from the wags and sister-in-law to the bathroom just outside of the backstage wings which was the accessible toilet, the only one that alessandra could use. 

💮

"...welcome to the australian grand prix, everyone! for our pre-race interviews, we have one of the australian greats, mr daniel ricciardo with us! hello daniel!" martin brundle and david crofty were interviewing the racers before the race, and it was currently daniel's interview

"hello martin and crofty! what a lovely little intro there, mate! how are we?" daniel smiles his signature smile and laugh as the two interviewers can't help but smile as well

"we're very well, thank you daniel! and we're glad you're doing well too. before we get into our interview questions about the race today, it's an even more special grand prix today isn't it but for different reasons, correct?" crofty asks this time as daniel nods his head - this was the first grand prix in a while that both ricciardo's were attending together

"yes, that is very true, crofty. this is an even more special grand prix for me today. even though home races are special, it's even more special for me this time because my beautiful wife, alessandra, is with me today which has been a long time coming..." daniel trails off, not wanting to blurt out the news straight away

"...it has been a long time coming, we've all missed seeing the lovely mrs alessandra ricciardo in the paddock! and now she's back, is it true that maybe, just maybe, there's some news you'd like to share with us before we go any further?" martin asks as daniel chuckles at the interviewers - and thankfully, he had been given permission by his wife to announce it

"yes, there is some news and that news is that alessandra and i are having a baby!" daniel announces as crofty and martin smile sweetly at the driver as they then see alessandra and give her a wave

"wow, that is amazing news! congratulations daniel and to alessandra as well! we had heard you guys had been trying to get pregnant for a while, correct?" crofty asks, the two interviewers no longer caring about the actual interview - they just wanted to hear more about baby ric

"yeah, correct. me and alessandra had been trying for what felt like forever and now, we've finally gotten pregnant which is exciting and we cannot wait to meet the little ric!" daniel giggles, his smile covering his entire face as martin and crofty share similar smiles on their own faces

then, the interview actually begun properly and daniel started getting asked the proper questions about the race. how he felt about it, whether or not he had trust and confidence that he'd do well. all that sort of stuff that was normally asked during a pre-race interview. alessandra watching in pure joy at the joy that stayed on her husband's face the entire interview after announcing their pregnancy. who wouldn't feel like that. alessandra for sure felt like she was on cloud nine over the child she would be giving birth to. however, throughout daniel's interview and the happiness of the baby announcement, fear started to spread through the paddock as michelle and kelly ran through the paddock to find someone from daniel's team so they could tell them that daniel was urgently needed at the garages in the paddock. 

the crowd enjoyed every moment of the first half of daniel's interview with martin and crofty until a member of vcarb ran up onto the mini stage, making the crowd in the stands make noises of confusion. smiling as best as he could and waving to the fans, the vcarb staff member made a beeline straight to daniel. grabbing his arm and pulling him closer to his side, daniel lowered his microphone, and the member started whispering something into daniel's ear so it wasn't heard by anyone else. which, for some strange reason made the crowd scream even louder. martin and crofty, with confused faces watched on as the duration of their interivew with daniel was starting to finish. but they still tried to keep the energy up from earlier by mumbling some crazy things under their breaths to keep the audience occupied. their faces of confusion turning into looks of concern as within seconds, daniel's face ran cold and paled, his head shooting up towards the vcarb staff.

dropping his microphone to the floor, originally meant for the makeshift table, daniel wasted no time in dashing off the stage in a flash of light. barely tilting his head at martin and crofty before leaving without even saying a word. the vcarb staff giving an apologetic look to the men before giving them looks of "it will be explained later".

martin then spoke up, "we are so sorry guys. everything right now is fine, daniel ricciardo driver of vcarb just needs to take care of something right now that has been classified as an emergency by his team. as of right now, crofty and i assure everyone that everything is okay and all parties involved are okay. we are not entirely sure when daniel will return for his interview but that's not important right now. so, we will just move on to our next interview whilst daniel takes care of what's happening out in the paddock," martin announces as crofty nods his head and they begin the attempt of continuing their pre-race interviews with the drivers

at hearing this announcement, the crowd, whilst shrouded in worry, still erupt into cheers as martin and crofty continue as best as they can. not even able to imagine in their heads of what the emergency that was going on in the paddock that had daniel sprinting over. and it wasn't like it was the first time that f1 commentators had to commentate and conduct interviews whilst tragedy's occur

💮

bursting out of the paddock and through the garages and hospitality rooms, not even paying attention to who may have been trying to calmly walk past doing their job, daniel demanded answers as to what was going on, especially due to the fact it was in regards to his wife, alessandra. then, suddenly, the only thing that rang through his ears was the sound of alessandra's screams and cries of desperation. 

kelly and now daniel's sister michelle were on the ground, desperately trying to coax alessandra to open the bathroom door but, not one single thing they were saying made the poor girl open the door.

standing straight off the floor the second the two girls saw daniel, kelly spoke up, "she's been there for fifteen to twenty minutes, michelle's made the call to 000, any minute they should be arriving," kelly was updating daniel, well, trying to as it seemed as if daniel was too fixated on trying to figure it out himself 

"what even happened?" daniel's usual calm tone of voice came out shakier, moving his ear to the door to see if he could figure out what was wrong, the things he heard was alessandra repeatedly saying "no" as she wept and let out small rounds of screeches to herself 

out of breath, with the same vcarb staff and the ricciardos' mum right beside her, francisca mumbled, "she still hasn't opened the door?" as kelly and michelle shook their heads as the vcarb staff and grace turned their attention to daniel who was looking for answers, which kelly gave to him 

"in all honesty daniel, we have no idea what exactly happened," kelly shrugged sadly, wishing she did know so she could help her best friends, "we were all having a sweet, nice conversation about baby ric and names and just having a right old laugh when alessandra just suddenly got up and excused hersel to the bathroom without another word. then, after it had been about four minutes, i got worried since she never spends longer than a minute in there when just before i could even knock on the door, i just heard her scream. she refuses to open the door for any of us, that was until i told your sister who ran over to grab someone from vcarb to grab you and then grace, so, sorry for having to grab you from your interview but, maybe, for you, danny, she'll open it?" 

daniel shook his head at kelly's apology for making him leave the stage during an interview with brundle and crofty as he took in a deep breath before leaning his forhead against the metallic, cold bathroom door, "aless? babe, it's just me, could you please open the door?" 

no response. not even a noise of acknowledgement. 

breathing in again, daniel tried a second time, "alessandra, please, can you open the door for me?" he tried to keep his voice as calm as he could but, how could he? his wife was potentially injured whilst pregnant with their baby and he had no clue what to do to help her 

a few seconds went past of pure silence that really worried the group, and made them hold their breath until a shaky, wet breath was heard on the other side of the door, "i...i can't daniel, please, go...go away! there's...there's so...so mu...much!" the girl sobbed out in utter terror and distress, her vocal cords breaking 

daniel tried his hardest to not curse, both under his breath and loudly. deciding to try again, he knew he needed to get to his wife and see what was wrong so he could help her, "babe, aless, if you're near the door, you need to move back," once again, no response from alessandra suggesting that she had moved away from the door 

then, taking the slim chance that he was right and his wife did move out of the way, as his sister, mum, kelly, francisca and vcarb staff watched on in fear, daniel jutted his right foot towards the bathroom door, his boot kicking it open completely. flying open immediately, the door revealed a scene that was beyond anything that everyone had imagined they'd be seeing. well, in all honesty, they had no clue whatsoever as to what they expected to see behind that bathroom door but, it certainly didn't involve all of this blood.

blood was absolutely everywhere, not only was alessandra surrounded and somehow sitting in it, there was blood all over her arms and some in her hair, legs and face due to her most likely panicking and hugging herself to self-regulate and comfort herself into a calm enough state. with no care in the world for his paddock outfit, only stripping off the first layer that he was wearing, and throwing out everything in his pockets chucking them aimlessly at vcarb staff, who caught them, the only thing that clicked into daniel's brain was to comfort his wife. dropping to his knees, he messily slid over through the blood and to the toilet bowl where alessandra was resting, her body rocking with sobs as he pulled her in for a hug, blood being transferred from her to him in an instant. her hands rested at her side limply, her chin resting on daniel's shoulder as her sobs shook both of their bodies. daniel was mortified, i mean, he had no idea that someone so small and petite as his wife could have this much blood rush out of them. esepecially when she's currently pregnant. 

"i'm so sorry dan," alessandra whispered out ever so quietly to the point where daniel could barely hear it, not that she needed to apologise at all anyway 

grace, michelle, vcarb staff, francisca and kelly looked in, noticing everything that had happened and instantly, tears all welled in their eyes. ushering everyone out, grace gave one last look to her son and daughter-in-law before she also left the two of them so they could have a moment alone before the paramedics arrived. 

"and why are you apologising, alessandra?" daniel whispered as he rocked his wife back and forth, kissing the side of her cheek that wasn't covered in blood, his arms wrapped securely around his distraught wife 

"baby..." was all alessandra could at first whisper, which confused daniel

"...baby? what do you mean baby, aless, what's happened, babe?" daniel pushed for some more answers as alessandra's face screwed as she closed her eyes and shook her head, tears waterfalling down her face as she refused to talk about what had just happened

daniel hugged his wife tighter, not just to comfort her but also to let her know that he wouldn't get mad or lash out over whatever it was that she wasn't telling him. even if it did have something to do their child. he just wanted to be told what had happened so he could help his wife. 

finally, with reluctance and shame for herself, alessandra once again whispered it out, "...the baby, i...i lost the baby..." no loud sobs followed from her mouth after she revealed her stillbirth as daniel felt a switch get turned off whilst another one got turned on and his eyes filled with tears 

"...oh, oh aless! i am so sorry baby!" daniel whispered as he pulled his wife closer to him, his lips smooshed against her light blonde hair as his breath hitched as he felt his own tears leave his eyes as he closed them tightly 

the husband and wife sat on the bloodied up bathroom floor for what felt like hours whilst the pre-race fun continued in and around the paddock of albert park, melbourne before paramedics ran through the hallways of the vcarb garage before reaching the ricciardo's and the rest of the wags. in a strange way, relief flooded daniel's body hearing the pitter patters of the feet rushing through the hallways towards him and his wife. subconsciously, even though he didn't know too much about first aid, he knew from the way his wife was scrunching her body up in pain that this was good timing for the paramedics to have their arrival. it looked as if the foetus was still inside of alessandra and that she'd need surgery to have it medically removed so nothing negative or dangerous would happen to alessandra like an infection. the bloody scene that the paramedics had to witness as they walked in was not a friendly shock to the system at all and it was something they could never get used to, even as veteran paramedics. seeing this much blood as a paramedic, especially if their patient is a pregnant woman, was never good news, never. 

💮

daniel picked up alessandra and placed her on the gurney, unable to move as he just stood there as the paramedics wheeled away his wife to the ambulance. the hype and excitement from the pre-race festivities inside almost teased him with the lights flashing and joyful screams as his thoughts were then interrupted by the male paramedic, "excuse me, sir, would you like to come and ride with us? i presume you're alessandra's husband?" 

turning around to face the man, daniel gulped, "umm, yes, i am alessandra's husband, daniel ricciardo but uh, no, hold on, i need to at least get changed out of my clothes and clean myself up a bit, i'll meet you guys there as soon as i can though if that's okay," 

the fifty-ish year old paramedic nodded his head, telling daniel the name of the hospital they were sending his wife to, making sure grace was going with her so she wouldn't wonder later on why she was left all alone. the ambulance then took off with his wife and mum when daniel was finally alone and he felt himself walking back inside into the vcarb garage, his brain completely turned off, having no clue what to do or what to even think at this point in time. all he could do was find himself walking back into the bloodied bathroom where he found his wife, the blood staring back at him like it was teasing him for not just his and alessandra's loss but also the rest of his family's, especially since it hadn't really been that long since they stopped actively trying for kids. and finally, the sobs he had been swallowing back for the sake of his wife just released from his body in violent convulsions, completely overwhelming him and his ability to stand. he then tried to shake, wipe and flick away the blood that was covering the majority of his body from his legs to his upper chest, not stopping until he felt himself being grabbed that he realised that for the last couple of minutes, max verstappen had been calling out his name, lando norris and carlos sainz not that far behind max. 

daniel's raw, bloodshot, puffy eyes met up with max, lando and carlos' worried ones, "...hey, daniel, hey!" 

not a second longer went by before daniel collapsed into max's slightly shorter frame and tries to quieten his painful sobs into the blonde's shirt. taken aback not just by shock but also physically, having to catch not just himself but also daniel, max doesn't hesitate to tighten his arms around the shaking, sobbing, bloodied-up daniel as he holds him tightly. encouraging the older driver to continue to cry over the emergency that still no one knew about.

"that's it daniel, yeah, ssh, that's it. let it all out buddy, it's going to be okay, you'll be fine..." 

💮

...daniel had just incoherently tried to explain to max, lando and carlos about the emergency that had happened backstage that caused him to miss the rest of his pre-race interview with brundle and crofty. with the other three struggling to understand what had happened, they looked at each other with confusion, worry and uncertainty rushing their bloodstreams. urging for daniel to take a few more breaths before trying again, was the moment in which kelly and francisca had walked in on the drivers trying to comfort their fellow driver. 

that was when, with some encouragement, kelly came forward and explained to the other three boys what had happened, "max, what daniel's trying to say is, alessandra was hanging out with us and daniel's sister, we were laughing and blabbering on about what the baby would be called when out of nowhere, alessandra just quietly excused herself, rushing away into the bathroom. four minutes later, after i became worried since aless is never in there for longer than a minute, i went to check on her when before i could even reach the door handle, i just heard her scream and refuse to open the door. that was when we got michelle and francisca to get someone from vcarb to grab daniel from his interview and grace from her seat in the vip area and then, that was when we came to the realisation that alessandra had gone into stillbirth, the...the baby's gone..." kelly's voice faltered at the end as daniel let out a sob as max held him tighter, lando and carlos both closing their eyes as tears filled their eyes 

covering his mouth with his hand, lando softly spoke up, "...oh, aless...where is she and grace? have they gone to the hospital?" lando's voice also faltered as kelly nodded her head, confirming something that she knew daniel couldn't do himself 

"yeah, lando, hun, the paramedics found out that the baby was still inside alessandra so, she's been sent into surgery to give birth to the baby. because if the baby isn't removed, the baby wouldn't be the only one we could potentially lose," kelly sniffled, wiping her nose with her sleeve as max once again squeezed daniel tightly as lando gestured to carlos to say that they should go over and help max comfort daniel 

and, without another word, lando and carlos squeezed themselves into daniel and max's hug as they all, max included, started to cry together over the loss of what would have been another f1 grid baby. the wags, kelly and francisca, and daniel's sister michelle, also overcome with emotion, then also joined in on the hug as they all cried together and grieved together before they realised that they had left daniel's mum all alone with alessandra. 

but, before they left, max whispered one last thing before they broke the group hug, "...it's gonna be okay, we'll be fine..." 

💮

now that it was well known within the paddock of melbourne's albert park that alessandra had just been wheeled out by paramedics to the hospital. the rest of the pre-race festivities that involved daniel and vcarb specifically was cancelled which meant that ultimately, the race would be delayed. the drivers couldn't even think about driving at this moment when they knew their fellow racer and teammate needed them. all of them going to the hospital alongside their wife/girlfriend. so, within minutes, everyone, except for one, had all changed from their paddock outfits and rushed out of the race circut to one of the vans of vcarb's to get to the hospital that daniel had been told that alessandra had been transported to. 

however, this whole time, daniel's weeping didn't stop. at this point, he was wailing like a dying animal, he was so devastated. what was more devastating was this was the first time his fellow racers had seen daniel really break down and cry. and that was what broke their hearts the most because they all knew that all daniel ever wanted to be in this life was a dad and just as he was four or so months away from becoming one, the baby passes away. and before max got into the car with daniel and lando, max realised that daniel still hadn't gotten changed and was still holding his clean clothes. 

so, to calm their distraught teammate and get him out of his bloodied clothes, lando this time speaks up, "hey, dan, come on, look at me, alright?" pushing him away, daniel still does what he's told and makes eye contact with lando

"whilst this sounds like utter bullshit and you have full permission to smack me for saying this, everything will eventually be okay. you, alessandra and your whole family will recover from this and all of us getting in this car and waiting at that hospital will help you guys out. and eventually, alessandra will give birth to the most precious little baby ever but, right now, you need to get changed and back into this car so we can get to that goddamn hosptial because out of everyone here right now, alessandra needs you, your mum & sister needs you and you need your mum, sister and your wife!" wiping his tears away, daniel nodded his head, agreeing with his best friend and teammate

but not before looking down and realising, lando was right, daniel did forget to get changed out of his now dried-up bloodied paddock outfit, he spoke up, "oh shit, you're right, i...i'll go and get changed, i'll be back..." daniel hushed out as he wiped his tears away and rushed back into the paddock so he could get changed 

whilst that type of moment, one of his teammates forgetting to get changed would normally be hilarious, this time it pierced through lando's heart, it smacked carlos across the face and it just broke max's heart to see how distressed and inconsolable daniel had been that he had simply forgotten to get out of his bloodied up paddock outfit this entire time whilst everyone else had done so before walking to the vcarb van. daniel then took those sweet few seconds as he stripped himself of his bloodied paddock outfit and into a clean, comfy set of sweat pants and a white t-shirt along with a pair of slippers. double-checking he had everything he needed and that he hadn't forgotten anything else this time, he made his way back out of the arena and to the van where everyone was waiting inside. lando waiting outside for him as they then made their way to the hospital to alessandra and grace. 

💮

alessandra couldn't believe that she could get so excited about finally getting pregnant after struggling so much with infertility to only, in the span of what was only a few months, have her body fail her. all she wanted to do was to give her husband and herself a goddamn family and she was so close to doing so as well. at this point, the grief of all the other negative results and heartbreaking infertility appointments was practically gone because she knew it wasn't her fault and she had just accepted that it was now normal for her to lose a baby. however, knowing that this specific baby, she had allowed herself and daniel to get so excited about because it was the one and only time that they hadn't actively tried to get pregnant just made her grief the worst it had ever been. she felt like she had once again failed daniel since she couldn't accomplish the one goddamn thing that women were practically put on this earth to do. all her husband ever wanted was a goddamn child and she couldn't even give him that. 

waking up from her surgery, the girl was drowsy and for a moment forgot where she was when she heard the familiar voice of her mother-in-law, grace, "...hey darling, you're awake, i'll get the nurse-" 

"-grace, where...where's dan? i...i need to apologise to him, and...and to you! i need to apologise to you! i am so sorry grace! i didn't mean to lose the baby i-" 

"-hey, hey, no, aless! we won't be doing this, not today! you have got absolutely nothing to apologise for! no one is blaming you for the loss of you and daniel's baby! i don't blame you, daniel doesn't blame you, no one blames you alessandra! it is not your fault at all! you had no control nor any idea that this was to happen! don't you dare blame yourself for something that is out of your control!" grace stressed as alessandra timidly nodded her head, still feeling awful but less heavy now that she truly felt reassured that it wasn't her fault - that is until she saw her husband 

"do you know when dan will get here?" alessandra then timidly asked her mother-in-law as grace sighed, she could tell that alessandra was trying to stop her from getting the nurse 

"no, i don't darling but, i really need to tell a nurse that you're awake so, can i please inform one of the nurses that you're awake?" grace smiled softly as alessandra timidly nodded her head as that sent a shiver of relief down grace's spine

"thank you, aless, and dan shouldn't be too far away and neither should the rest of the lads drivers and wags since they will have also been made aware. now, i'll be back in a couple of seconds, a minute tops, behave!" grace winked at the end as alessandra breathed out a laugh with a small head nod as she rested her head against the wall of the hospital behind her whilst she waited

💮

by the time daniel and everyone else had arrived at the hospital and was allowed access to his wife's hospital room, she had already had the surgical procedure she needed to remove the deceased foetus. even though she knew that her husband had walked into the hospital room, she couldn't even bear to look up and make eye contact with him. especially with the knowledge that the stillborn had also been wheeled into the room for the husband and wife to meet the baby, she couldn't even bring it within herself to even breathe the same air as him even though she knew she'd eventually have to otherwise she'd alert the doctors and nurses. it ripped daniel apart knowing that not only did alessandra have to go through the surgery alone since grace isn't considered "immediate family" but that she was so ashamed of herself that she couldn't even look him nor the baby in the eye. 

"...please aless, baby, say something, just anything." daniel whispered out in a teary beg to his wife as she slowly but nervously lifted her head up, finally looking her husband in the eyes as she finally noticed just how hard this had also been for her husband and therefore everyone else 

"i...i...i tried so hard for anything but this to happen..." alessandra whimpered out in a whisper as daniel choked, not able to say a single thing as he swiftly moved over to the bed, hugging his wife as they cried together 

then, they moved from the hug and wheeled the cot over to them so they could meet their baby for the first time...

...the baby that was going to be their little baby girl if she hadn't been born still...

max, lando and carlos all cried as they watched their teammate and wife grieve over the loss of what would have been the new f1 grid baby. 

"...we were going to have a baby girl danny..." 

"...our precious little princess, aless..." 

fin

very depressing i know but hey, it's what i do best when i don't have any original ideas, i just go back to the depressing old ideas and just change it to whoever it's been adapted to. 

[acolyte-acolyfe]

Warming Iron Hearts @dont-mention-it-kid

Pema went to go find her children and happened upon a scene she never thought she would see in her wildest dreams. Meelo, fresh from a bath that Lin had just given him, stared wide-eyed and awestruck as the woman formed a stone into a turtle duck and offered it to Ikki. Jinora sat off to the side looking at Lin with adoration.

Pema hid just outside the doorway, baffled that Lin Beifong of all people had just given her toddler a bath. She never thought the woman would actually do something like that. She watched Lin interact with them and wondered if she really even really knew the old earthbender at all. This was a facet of her personality she never would have believed existed if she hadn't seen it for herself. A deep pain shot up from her center and she sucked in a sharp breath and moved away, not wanting to spoil the tender moment the group seemed to be having. She held her stomach, the fear of what happened during her last pregnancy crept up her spine.

Was that a contraction just now? Or was the baby just kicking? Was something wrong? Would she have to suffer through another miscarriage?

[dr-robert-chase-apologist]

when you're watching House and the patient has your diagnosis:

[vampykween]

Is it terrible that I want to see more of toxic husband ghost?? 🙈🙈🙈 Not divorced, but maybe just watching his wife with their kids, or coming home to a warm meal, or seeing her in the bath relaxing and realizing he has a nice life, he just hasn't let himself be open to it 🙈🙈🙈🙈

tw: vague but brief mentions of miscarriage absolutely no judgment anon we all like what we like! i will give you a taste of simon and reader before things went to shit hehe ☻ this turned out way sadder than i planned i'm so sorry omg i just cant help it, it's what i do best.

you couldn't believe what you were seeing, tears welled in your eyes as you scanned over the pregnancy tests lined up on your bathroom counter. pregnant. two stark lines visible on each one. you momentarily considered keeping the news to yourself, but you just couldn't wait to tell your husband. you yell out for him from your spot in the bathroom, too in shock to leave; as if they'll suddenly disappear if you glance away from them even for just a moment. the thundering sound of your husband rushing up the stairs into your bedroom breaks you from your reverie, and when he finds you in the bathroom all you do is turn to him and smile widely.

simon steps slowly towards you, his eyes flitting rapidly between your face and the tests on the counter. "baby..." like a dam breaking, tears stream down your face as simon pulls you into his arms. "is this real, like really real this time?" the older man's question pricks at the bubble of joy in your chest. you’re sure he meant no harm with his question, but you're brought back into your reality. you two couldn't get your hopes up again, at least not too much.

"it's real si, i swear. am i stupid for being so happy? i know i should wait until we go to the doctor and have foolproof confirmation, but-"

your husband trails a hand to your jaw and tips your head so you're looking up at him. "you're not stupid for being happy, 'specially not over this. after all the heartbreak we've experienced, we deserve a little happiness."you know he's right, but you're not sure if you can handle waking up in the middle of the night writhing in pain, only to come back home with a piece of you missing. the calloused pad of simon's finger smooths over the wrinkle between your eyebrows.

"whatever happens, we'll survive it because we have each other.

~

"i cant believe this little blob is our baby," you laugh out with a shine of tears in your eyes. the two of you are walking back to the car after your first ultrasound appointment and it feels like everything is falling beautifully in place. you let out an embarrassingly loud squeal as simon picks you up and spins you around gleefully. when he finally puts you down, he pulls you into his chest and nuzzles his head into your hair.

"i can't believe i get to have this life with you, baby. i am an irredeemable man and probably don't deserve you or our baby, but i promise i'll do everything to prove that i do."

looking back on that fateful day, you understand why they say to believe a man when he says he doesn't deserve you because they will always prove that they don't.

[the-kr8tor]

Sink or Swim

Pairing: Pirate! Hobie Brown x fem! Reader

Total Word Count: 16k

Tags: Use of Y/N sparsely, no specific physical description of the reader (except for her clothing), Hobie is mentioned taller than R, CW food mentions, CW suggestive, TW blood, CW injury, CW miscarriage mention, TW violence.

A/N: I've divided this chapter into two because of how long it is and tumblr wouldn't let me draft the post without the app crashing. So sorry for the inconvenience. I'll put the link at the end and on top.

Between the Devil and the Sea Masterlist

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CHAPTER 13 >>> CHAPTER 13 II

Hobie's throat feels like he swallowed glass. Yet, he screams until his lungs give out, until his body gives out. Fist pounding into steel, skin splitting, blood staining the metal, he continues to call for you. His ears could only hear your frantic yells, his name falling out of your lips, vomited out desperately, asking for him, calling for him to get you out.

He kicks and thrashes at the metal bars, his mind imagines the worst— nails ripped from your fingers, bones breaking, skin scraped and slashed. He doesn't need to imagine how it could feel for he had lived through it all, survived through sheer will alone. But he promised, he promised to you and in that hollow grave that it will never be filled with your body; that your own blood wouldn't spill in between his fingers.

Yet, like the knife that he is, like the one who breaks skin and bleeds everything he touches— he hurt you, shot you where you stood, when he should've protected you, shielded you from the bullet. But how could he do it when the bullet is from him? When he used the same weapon that has ended dozens of lives to protect his crew, to harm you; the only person he deems worthy of telling all his secrets, you, who is worth more than every single treasure in the world.

Maybe he should've listened to you and stayed on the island.

Hobie calls for you once again, in hopes that you hear him too, in hopes that his voice is enough to bring you hope. The lighthouse that guides you home. But he knows, he knows all you could hear are muffled sounds and the creaking from the rocking ship.

Your voice wavers, like you've been forcefully silenced. So he does the screaming for you. It's loud, tone furious, ready to scratch at anyone who gets closer.

“Hobie—” Gwen tries to get his attention as the door opens, revealing the two guards staying in the doorway, keeping their distance.

Guns are strapped to them, knives glinting in the lamp light, armed to the teeth. Hobie knows it's all for him.

“Shut the fuck up.” One frustratingly said, teeth clenched, hands kneading at his temples.

“Keep screaming and you won't get supper.” The bigger one utters, the large scar on his cheek tightens as Hobie taunts them with a grim smile. The smile he reserves to strike fear.

They stiffen in the doorway, shoulders straight, hands reaching for their weapons.

“Do it then.” Hobie says, voice guttural, hands gripping the bars. “End the screaming.” His sheer tone alone sends everyone's hair to stand upright.

No one in the crew dares to stop Hobie. He doesn't know if they're afraid just like the men in front of him or if they're biding their time to scratch and bite too.

“Come closer and end it.” He doesn't yell, and that terrifies the men in the doorway. “And you'll find out exactly what I did to Admiral Kinney all those years ago.” He can still taste the admiral's ichor on his tongue.

The hulking men share a look, sweat dripping off their brows. And with that, they shut the door behind them, returning to their post with their tails tucked between their legs.

“Cowards.”

If it wasn't a grim situation, James would've laughed.

Hobie hears Gwen sigh behind him, the liquid in her hand sloshes as she practically shoves it in his face.

“At least drink some water. For your throat.”

“No, ‘m not drinking that slop.”

Gwen has had enough, she takes him by the collar, eyes bravely glaring at her captain. “If you want to leave this ship and save her, then drink the slop, eat the fucking bread and keep your goddamn energy for when we get the window to escape. Screaming won't help, captain. It's not helping anyone.” Her jaw is set, eyebrows knitted together.

The rest of the crew stand on the side, ready to get between them if it gets physical. He'll never hurt Gwen, never even thought of it. But he can't stand the thought of his family standing against him rather than next to him. So he fixes it, you'd like it that way.

Hobie gingerly takes the cup, chugging it down in one gulp.

“Good, now eat some bread and sit down.”

“Y/N—” he starts.

“She'll be alright, she's a fighter ain't she?” He nods, “you know her better than us, so tell us, cap'n, that she will survive this.”

He roams his red eyes at his sparse crew. For a brief second he sees the ones he lost behind them. For the first time, he's glad he doesn't see you with them.

Returning his attention towards Gwen, he utters the words with the confidence of a captain.

“She'll survive this.”

—

Sitting down in the corner, he rests his poor throat, the dry bread didn't help much. It was shitty to say the least, times like this, he misses Finn. He'd beat him if he ever knew that he let the famous bloodsail pirates into the hands of a former admiral and you into the hands of someone you fear the most.

Hobie shuts his eyes for a second, he swears it's only for a second but when he wakes up with a start and the door opening with a creak, the moon is already shining outside the large boat.

When he sees you appear by the doorway, he thinks he's still dreaming.

“Ten,” He hears you say between gritted teeth. All he could focus on is you, checking for signs of an injury, he starts from your head—nothing, arms, also nothing, save for a few scratches. Then he settles on your bandaged leg, and he remembers what he did, what he did to you. Guilt and grief overtakes his body, he tries his best to hide into the background, into the wooden walls, to become part of the ship, to hide his shame. Because he hurt you, and he'll never forgive himself for what he did.

Hobie watches from his corner, defeated when you tell him subtly that you're alright. And when you called for him, called his name softly like summer wind breezing by, warm and reminding him of home— he couldn't help but oblige.

Who is he to deny the sky?

When you held him in your hands, he felt anew. Apologies spill from his mouth, eyes forlorn at the red spot on your bandages.

What is the tides without his moon?

He feels lighter when you forgive him. But his past action still haunts him, he knows it'll join the long line of nightmares that plague him at night.

“That's my girl.” He says truthfully and proudly, he feels your heartbeat hasten through your pulse.

You tell him your choice, your decision to give up your freedom for him and the crew. He feels like he was back on the revenge, facing Mathias, refusing to let you go as you offer yourself for their freedom.

His heart beats harder as you ask him to read your mother's letter. He's unsure why you would let someone like him read something as heavy as the letter. It's reserved for someone whose hands wouldn't stain the paper with crimson.

“Because I trust you.” You say, and everything aligns in his mind. Like Poseidon shaking him inside out, like the tides itself is splitting him open.

Hobie reads it with trembling hands and broken skin. Like he thought, it turns the paper pink like ink blots dirtying the pristine paper.

He dictates it, heart shattering at every tear you let out. Wiping your cheeks dry, he's careful not to let his split skin touch your softer ones.

“It's real, innit?” He asks like the earth isn't eating him whole.

“It's real.” You answer and the world caves in around him.

Hobie teases to feel the resemblance of normalcy, “little tomato?” He asks.

And you answer with a “I don't want them, just you.” Like you didn't just mend his shattering heart with one sentence. And you break it right after with a “We'll meet again, in this life or the next.”

He's terrified once again. He shakes his head as the door creaks open. “No, Y/N—”

As you kiss his wounded knuckles gently, you ask him something he can't possibly do.

“Don't follow me, please.”

Reaching for you, he should've read the last line in the letter to you. ‘Don't trust anyone’ it said, whatever it was, it's not your burden to carry, so he'll do it for you.

Hobie apologizes in his head for keeping it away from you and for what he's about to do.

—

With the dinner bell ringing, and heavy footsteps retreating, the crew takes their chance. The key opens the door smoothly. They sneak around the ship, only leaving shadows and footfalls that's barely audible.

Climbing up the steps towards freedom, Hobie spots a door at the end of a hallway. Like two hearts beating as one, he knows it's you behind it.

Miles takes his arm before he could come to you. “Don't.” He whispers to his captain. “Don't waste her sacrifice.”

“She didn't sacrifice herself.” Hobie shakes his head, scoffing quietly. “I can't leave her behind, Miles. I can't.”

“I know,” he pulls him away from the hallway. “she asked you to not follow, so don't follow.”

“If this was Gwen—”

“If this was Gwen we'd be doing the exact same thing. She wouldn't ask us to follow and we'll leave because she asked us to.” Miles spares a heavy glance towards your locked door. “I know it hurts, but we'd be in the gallows by morning if we don't leave now. We'll have another chance at saving her.”

“You don't know that.”

“I don't, but it's better to not know instead of being dead. At least we'd have a chance.” Miles tugs him further away. “Do you think it's better for her to think that she caused our deaths just because you took the chance?” His voice is determined.

“Don't hurt her like that, Hobie. It'll ruin her.”

With one last look towards your door, Hobie nods, following the others to the deck then to safety. As the dinghy drops down into the sea, and into the dark night, he hears Miguel curse his name.

He asks for your forgiveness silently.

—

Hobie and the crew finally make it to the docks without being seen by anyone. It was pure luck that no one saw or even heard them, he thanked the early morning and the still dark sky for lending them a hand.

“We need to wait for her.” He says, stretching his stiff hands from rowing the boat.

The sparse pirate crew hides in the shadows, hidden behind the dark alleyway. They lean on the grimy walls, hands cradling their fatigued heads, huffing and groaning at the aches and pains they had from their daring escape. They can still hear Miguel cursing Hobie's name, his voice ringing in their ears.

“Hobie,” Gwen calls for him. “Leave her be.”

“What the fuck?” Hobie turns sharply. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means we leave her alone.” Pavitr says forlornly, eyes downcast at the dirty pavement.

“We promised her—”

“That was when we didn't know it was her actual family. Back when we all thought Miguel was a threat to her.” Yuri pipes up, hands braced on her knees. Fatigued and clearly needing rest. “I love her, Hobie, I really do. We all love her, but she's with family now. Let her be.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Miles scoffs, “We're talking about the same person right?” He stands next to Hobie, arms crossed on his chest.

“C’mon, Miles,” Gwen says tiredly. “We all heard their conversation, it's real, she's noble—”

“And what of it?” Hobie snaps back. “You were too.”

“I was.” She scowls. “But she has a home to go to, a family that's waiting for her. We need to let her be until for whatever reason she decides to stay or leave with us.” Inhaling sharply, she rubs harshly at her eyes. “Let's make a compromise then. We're all clearly feeling conflicted. I don't want to fully let her go, we all agree right?”

Everyone nods, tension running high, glares thrown about the small group. Gwen continues, “Then we stay close to her, we watch her like when we used to observe potential crew members. But this time we make sure she is actually safe and not thrown to the wolves.” Her idea reminds Hobie why he chose her as his first mate.

“I'll keep first watch,” Hobie quickly says, "we switch after I say so.”

“And when will that be, Hobie?” Yuri clasps her hand on Hobie's shoulder, comforting the man. “You haven't slept a wink, add the fact that you were stranded on a bloody island for a month, you're not in the right state for this.”

“I'll be once I see that she's safe.” His voice cracks, “I didn't keep an eye on MJ and look what happened. I-I don't want that to happen again. Please let me do it. You can follow me all you want just let me keep watch—”

“It's Y/N,” James whisper yells, he peeks around the alley, watching you slowly walk down the ship.

They all clammer to see you ignore Miguel's helping hand. Pride swells in their chest, they remember now why they can't exactly leave you behind— you're family.

As if fate is pulling the strings, you crane your neck to look in their direction. The crew ducks away, but Hobie stays, staring at you, waiting for your signal, anything to indicate that you want to run away with them.

He sees your subtle shake of your head, and with that, he hides with his crew.

“Did she say something?” Pav asks, concerned for you.

“No, nothin’” He holds his heart in his hand. “She said nothin'”

—

Hobie follows you quietly throughout the day. Hiding from Miguel's watchful eyes and your sad eyes. The crew left to rest in an inn, Miles offered to come with him, Hobie's glad he did for he found an unhitched horse in a street corner. But it could only seat one so Miles, the angel that he is, let Hobie go on without him.

“I'll take care of them.” He promises before he lets his captain go.

They all know your house, they've raided their ships before. Crates upon crates full of luxury, with the same design on your necklace stamped on the wooden sides. Hobie knows them quite well, the favourite of the king, always giving them special treatment. Yet the queen holds them at an arm's length away, but she never left her eyes away from their business. He guessed sacking random ships has its perks, gossip is one of them.

Hobie silently trots his horse, eyes never leaving the carriage you just left. The cemetery sends his nerves alight, with the crows cawing in the background, he strains his ear to listen in. He's hiding behind the chapel, the irony doesn't escape him.

The truth is revealed to you, and unbeknownst to you, he has learned about it too. His head is in his hands as he listens to how broken your voice is, tone splitting at the seams. Then his heart stops when you tell your mother that you want to stay, that you want to find the person responsible for their deaths, that the same flames burning inside him now have spread to you.

Hobie doesn't want you to go down the same path he walked on, to let the embers singe your skin, to let the fire burn you from the inside out like it had with him. You helped him through his, helped him control it. Now it's his turn to do so for you.

He cares for you, loves you for all your soft touches and gentle tone. But he's prepared to love you through your jagged edges, through all the anger that's inside you. He'd love both sides of you, because it's you, and no one else.

His foot accidentally steps on a twig as he sees you leave. Hobie almost ran towards you when you looked at the source of the sound. This time he ducks away, knowing that there's eyes on you, eyes that are prepared to take you away the moment they see him. So he waits, until there's no more eyes on you.

The next time he saw you again was when you stepped out of the carriage and into the golden doors of the palace. He's terrified for what's to come, whether or not Miguel has brought you on a silver platter for the wolves to devour.

With his guns accompanying him, he readies outside the walls of the palace until you leave, until he sees you again climbing inside the carriage.

He can finally breathe again, he doesn't have to kill this time. Not yet anyway.

Hobie tries his best to stay hidden, he bribes and lies to get inside Hazelside. Then he waits, and bides his time just to talk to you.

—

“Hazelside estate,” Miguel says when the large manor looms over the horizon. “Your family has owned it for two hundred years. Passed down to every first born child of the family.”

Acres and acres of land stretch across the vast space. Primed apple trees and oaks line the road, men and women in work clothes walk near the carriage, not even craning their necks to take a peek inside. It seems this was a daily occurrence for them.

“Two hundred years.” You repeat, contemplating how many generations owned it. “So it's mine once the papers are signed? Where would my…uncle and aunt go then?” Your mind goes through a hundred scenarios where you stay and where you decide to leave it all again.

“They have their own house. Granted it's not as big as Hazelside but it's enough for them. Knowing his majesty, he'd take his sweet time from releasing the papers.”

“How well do you know the king and queen?” You ask, eyes scanning your family's land.

Stone houses are standing miles away from the main estate, employees of the house you think. Chimneys billow out smoke whilst the sun is just about to rise. You imagine them having breakfast with their families, sleep still clinging in their lashes, hot tea wrapped in their cool hands. Opening the window, the smell of fresh apples wafts over you. Home, you think. It smells like home. Or it just reminds you of the apple tarts Jessica made for you when you were younger.

“You alright?” Miguel asks, watching you frown.

“I'm fine, just tired.” You lied, in truth, you miss them all.

“You had a hectic day, I don't blame you. You'll get to rest soon, I promise.”

How could you even think of sleeping alone? After being near him? After saying goodbye?

“You didn't answer my question.” You shift your attention from the trees to the man before you. “How well do you know them?”

“I barely know the queen, but the king? Yes, short answer? He's a moron, a buffoon wearing a crown.”

Lyla snickers next to you, head plopped on the carriage wall, seemingly asleep.

You smile, “You have a monkey for a king.”

“Once you're the Hazelside duchess, he'll be your king too.”

“Christ.” You chuckle nervously.

“Don't worry, I'll help you get accustomed to polite society.” Miguel reassures you and you still have no idea if you'll stay long enough to bear the title.

“Polite society.” You say with a scoff, “What I just saw wasn't very polite.”

“Just remember, everything here is political. Everyone here is climbing the ladder, kissing the royal asses. Some are doing it for their families, some are doing it for their personal gain.”

“Which one do you think I am?”

“Neither.” The carriage stops, horses neighing, hooves stomping on the gravel. “You're not like them, Y/N, that's why you'll end up walking all over them.”

The footman opens the door, Miguel gives you a look before coming down the small steps. He reaches towards you, helping you down. You hesitate. You still don't take his hand even with your bad leg.

The wind blows cold, goosebumps appearing on your skin, face worried at the sheer size of the manor. The glinting silvered birds catch the early morning's sun's rays. Beady eyes seemingly blinking when a cloud passes by.

Vines cling to the ancient walls, small purple flowers run along the plant and along the large windows. Strong columns line the façade, laurels carved on the marble, oak doors displaying the house sigil— your necklace bearing a similarity to it. Flower beds cradling violets lay by the foot of the building, blooming and fragrant. The smell hiding your trepidation from the dozen or so people watching you with unreadable eyes.

The staff greets you with a stiff nod, they stand on the stairs leading towards the manor. Their uniforms are perfect, perfectly ironed and clean; perfect white gloves on their hands.

A couple of them help your drunk uncle off their own carriage. He groans, head swirling, eyes rolling to the back of his head. Fancy clothes sweaty and moist, neckerchief lopsided and dirtied by ale. In contrast to his wife, who looks tired with the heavy eye bags under her eyes, she still looks like a proper noble compared to Frederick.

“Freddy—” She groans, kicking her husband's leg, “get up!”

“Darling…” he slurs, “there's two of you—oh wait…now there's three!” His guffaw fills the quiet morning.

Victoria gives up, leaving the man to the care of her staff. She walks off, huffing and puffing. She gives you a glance, “what are you waiting for? Get inside.”

Her eyes flick to Miguel who stands behind you, she immediately clamps down her bitterness. “Welcome to Hazelside, niece.” With a stomp of her heeled foot, she heads inside, no doubt seething.

“Catty.” Lyla says next to you, elbowing your side. “C’mon, your grace, before the sun gets in their eyes and sends them into a murderous frenzy.”

You chuckle, shaking your head. Something flickers in your peripheral vision, when you move your head to look, whatever it was, it's already gone behind the thick bushes.

“Y/N?” Miguel beckons you over. “It's cold out, come inside before you get sick.”

“Coming,” you call back, eyes darting around the thicket.

—

Miguel shows you around to your room in the west wing. Various historical paintings decorate the walls, wooden simple frames around them, showing the true beauty of the art without all the extravagant gold laurels around it.

Sculpted busts of your ancestors wait at every corner, marble eyes staring blankly at what's in front of them. Large windows line the walls, just outside the glass lies an expansive field of apple trees, bulbs of reds and greens adorning the branches of the mighty orchard. You stand in awe at the sight, workers start flocking the trees, picking and plucking at the ripest of fruits. The sun shines directly at the field, apples aglow with its light like red and green stars.

You lag behind Miguel as you gawp at the scenery, hand tucked inside the pocket of your gown, mindlessly rolling the pearl. Wishing the crew could see it too, wishing that he could see it and harvest the fruits with you.

Miguel calls for you, hand reaching but he retracts it back to his side. “Apples are new around here.” You genuinely smile at him, so he continues. “It used to just be hazelnuts, which still grow plenty in the estate.”

“Why the change then?”

“They didn't change, your family merely adapted. Your grandmother was the one who started planting the apple trees. Whenever she had a—” Miguel falters, you can practically see his brain turning.

“Had a what? I'm a big girl, Miguel, I can handle whatever it is.” You encourage him with a nod.

“A miscarriage,” he says lowly, “At the end of her life she planted seven trees. There was only one seed she didn't plant and that was when your mother was born.”

Your heart aches at the story even though the people in it are practically strangers to you. “Apple of her eye.” You murmur.

Miguel chuckles, turning to watch the vast orchard that spans acres upon acres of land. “It’s an understatement. She was spoiled, your mother. But she had a heart, most of her gifts almost always ‘gets lost’ somewhere.” He smiles fondly. “Strangely enough, it always ends up with someone who would benefit from it more.”

“Which one ended up getting lost in your backyard?” You smile at his rare grin.

“A lot, pocket watches, jeweled eggs, there was a kitten once. Only because her mother didn't like it.” He sighs, hazel eyes shining under the sunlight.

“You loved her.”

“I did,” he stares at you with kinder eyes. “She was my best friend, and so was your father. They both were.”

“What did you mean back at the carriage when you told me that they did the same to you?”

He swallows thickly, staring back at the outside of the opulent manor. “My daughter, Gabriella.” he says after a moment, “She was only a few years older than you. Your parents were her godparents, this was before they eloped and had you.” You can feel the strain in his voice. “She got sick…they poured everything into giving her the best doctors the country has to offer. They were at her side while I was drowning my sorrows in the navy. When they weren't by her side, they were with me. But in the end everything was all in vain.”

“I'm sorry,” you say genuinely, “I'm sorry, Miguel.”

He gives you a tight smile and a pat on your shoulder. “Even after all that they were still by my side, even when I pushed them away.” Sniffing, he subtly wipes his eye. “I didn't cross the sea and traveled thousands of miles to find you because I want us to be even. Or to pay the debt, I just wanted to find the last thing they left in hopes that I also find them in you.” His chest heaves. “I couldn't even say goodbye to them.”

There's tears in your eyes as he chokes on his own words. “I lost my friends but you lost your family before you could even meet them. And for that, I'm sorry, Y/N.” His hand shakes. “They didn't deserve what happened to them.”

“Tell me what happened to them.” You stand toe to toe with him, determined to get answers.

“Pirates, I told you they were pirates.”

You shake your head. “Do you really believe that, O’Hara? Or are you still trying to convince yourself otherwise?”

His jaw clenches, “It was pirates, Y/N.”

“Tell that to the former navy medic I call mother.”

He whispers, “the last time I looked further into their deaths I lost my Job, stripped of all my titles. I almost lost my house because of it.”

“Then tell me what you found.” You challenge him back. “Tell me who ordered it so I can live in this house in peace.”

“I don't have definitive proof—”

“Who?”

“Edward.” He says through gritted teeth. “He wanted to marry your mother, even going as far to ask for her hand. But when she refused him for your father—” he heaves. “I think he has probable cause to order the attack.”

“You were answering the man who might've killed my parents and wanted me dead?”

“How do you think that makes me feel, hm? I had my full trust in the navy, trusting the report they gave, trusted them with my whole life, even dedicating my life to them. And the moment I get a whiff of a planned murder on the only family I've ever had they bar me from the only life I've ever known. How do you think that made me feel?”

“I'm sorry you went through that but you could've done something.”

“He is king!” Miguel's voice booms around the hallway. He shifts his voice, pinching his knitted brows. “His word is law, I couldn't have done anything, even if I had proof.”

“You should've started with that instead of telling me lies, then I would've come to you without a fight.”

“There would've still been a fight.” He states matter of factly. “Hobie was ready to fight the moment I stepped below deck.”

“Could you blame him though? We both know not every single pirate crew is as nice as them, he didn't attack because you claimed it was pirates. Or that he was offended, he knows that he has done unsavoury things too. So what did you say that made him lunge at you?”

Miguel shakes his head, refusing to say anything. “It's best that you don't remember it.”

“Fine, be like that, just know that there will always be a wall between us.” Your heels clack loudly against the oak floors as you leave him behind.

—

The room they gave you was surprisingly comfortable, unlike the apartments in the palace that you explored. It's ten times bigger than the inn you were in, complete with your own bathroom and sitting room. It's all wooden walls covered in beautiful tapestries of various scenes from history— the thick cloth helps keep the heat inside. All the windows are wide open to let the cool air in and the moonlight. So you could hear the rustling of the trees outside, so you could smell the crisp apples. It helps, you think as you sit in front of the large stone fireplace with birds engraved in every corner of the stone.

You're already sick of the bloody birds.

You wrap the fur blanket closer to your body, still in your gown, refusing to wear anything else they've provided for you. You've heard of poisoned dresses before, it's far-fetched but you can't risk it now that you're in a more unfamiliar territory where your own family holds a grudge against you just for existing.

Especially now that you're alone in a large room filled with strange things. And with only his dagger to keep you safe.

Anyone would kill to be in your shoes right now, to be pampered and placed in a household that can provide for all your needs. If it weren't for the hunger in you, you would've left all of the gold in this house just to get back to them. Instead, the fire has you in its hold too.

Miguel's information only fueled the glowing embers in you, you're determined to find who killed them. But you're still restrained in this large manor, and until you can get your answers, you say their names to satiate the hunger.

“Edward and Mathias.” You say through shuddered breath, feeling if you could just say it louder, the sky would strike them down where they stood.

The pearl in your hands is warm, the shiny surface reflecting your scowl.

The flames mesmerize you as it dances in the kindling. Orange and reds illuminate your face, it's the only light in the whole room. You exhale and a puff of clouds escape your cool lips.

It's getting colder, and you're missing him.

Just when you're about to stand up to close the windows, a pebble lands near you. It thuds on the wooden floors, the sound gets your attention.

“What the hell?” You say confused. Standing back up, another flies through the open windows and into your room. “Who the fuck?” Speed walking towards the window, you almost get hit by a pebble if you didn't dodge it in time. “Hey!”

Fifteen feet below your window, you see two people dressed in their night clothes, bundled up in fur coats. They look up at you with wide eyes, like they got caught with their hands inside the cookie jar.

“Cousin!” One exclaims, a wide apologetic smile on his lips, showing you his perfect teeth. “Sorry about that! Can you come down?”

“Who in the world are you?” You ask, confused, you lean down to take a better look, hands gripping the sill for support.

“We're your cousins! I guess?” The girl next to him says, eyes shining in the moonlight, hand holding another pebble. “We waited to see you during supper and around the house but you were apparently hiding!”

“Alright, why do I need to come down then?”

“Because we want to properly introduce ourselves! Without screaming at you from below that is.” The girl shrugs, smiling prettily at you. “Please, cousin?”

“...fine.” you grumble, the dagger is still hidden underneath your skirt in case they're planning something nefarious.

They beam up at you, the girl daintily claps her hands. “Brilliant! We'll be waiting at the entrance.”

As you trudge down the unfamiliar sprawling halls, trying your hardest to not get lost in the maze-like structure. You accidentally encounter another painting of your mother.

Her name is etched on a golden plaque just below the portrait. This one was different from the one in the palace, she was stiff there, lips tightly closed into a line, eyes cold and empty. The one in front of you is warm, a soft smile on her lips, eyes shining and alive. Her dress is in lilac, golden stars adorning the bodice. She still wore the same necklace you're currently wearing, it rests perfectly on her neck. In her hand is a closed locket, you wonder whose portrait lies inside.

“Hi, mum.” You whisper into the cold hallway. “Where's dad's portrait?” You ask like she would open her mouth and answer back. With a sigh, you head downstairs.

Walking the ancient floors, the moon shines down at you, the light peeking in from the gaps of the heavy curtains. Silently, you meet with your cousins in the foyer. Carefully coming down the curved staircase, hand gripping the bannister, the boy who is about the same age as Miles meets you halfway. He reaches towards you, giving you a hand.

“I heard about your leg, I thought you'd appreciate some help.”

“You're Frederick's children?” You say, questioning whether or not you should take his hand.

“We are,” he says with a sigh. “Come on, cousin, or you might miss it.”

“Miss what?”

“The birds.” The girl waiting in the foyer excitedly says. “They're migrating.”

“Oh, I don't see why that would be so interesting.” You say as the boy flexes his fingers, beckoning you down.

“You’ll see why. Take my hand please, you look like our grandmother going down the steps.”

“Fine,” with an exhale, you take his hand. You hold his hand, a feather light touch that he barely feels, giving yourself enough time to react if he decides to do something.

“I'm Jonathan, or just John.” He says as he gently leads you down the steps. His stride is slow, waiting for your own feet to keep up. “And this is my sister—”

“Collette!” She suddenly clasps your hands when you reach the last step. “Sorry–” her tone is sweet and genuine, quickly removing her hands from yours. “I got too excited! I'm Collette, my brother and I are twins.”

“Unfortunately…” John says under his breath.

Collette jabs her elbow by his side, earning a groan from him. You see the similarities on their faces now that you're closer to them. From the slope of their noses to the curls of their hair, they look very much alike. Except for their eyes, Collette has emerald eyes that shimmer from the oil lamp she carries. While her brother has brilliant blue eyes that remind you of the sea when the sun shines above it.

You get reminded of him again.

“Who's older?” You ask teasingly, pushing the previous thought away.

“I am!” They both speak at the same time. John looks at her sister with disappointment, while Collette scrunches her nose.

“I'm five minutes older than you, Jojo.” She says with a tone you could only describe as annoyed.

“Father told me I'm the one who's five minutes older. Not you!”

“Sure,” she nods sarcastically, the lamp in her hand sways. “Because father was in the room when we were born.” Her head swivels to look at you, and you almost jump at how fast she moved. “He wasn't in the room.”

“Ah, I think I got it—”

“Like you could bloody remember.” John says with a scoff.

Before the argument could go on, you stop them with your hands on each of their shoulders.

“I need to sleep, so whatever you want to show me, just fucking show me.”

Collette stares at you with a gasp, eyes wide like you just said the darndest thing. Meanwhile, John has the biggest grin you've ever seen.

“Wow, cousin.” He says, amused. “I heard you used to run with pirates but I didn't know you got their vocabulary too. Hazelside would be more interesting now that you're here.”

“Gosh,” Collette exhales, clutching her pearls (literally) “I didn't know that word could be uttered by a woman.”

“You should try it sometimes. It's very freeing.” You chuckle at their reaction whilst you make your way outside. “Before we freeze to death, cousins?”

“The oldest should lead the way.” John takes the opportunity to rag on his still bewildered sister.

She groans audibly. “You're not the one with the lamp.”

You smile, there's a warm familiar feeling in your chest.

—

Leaves crunch under your bare foot, you've got blisters from the uncomfortable heels Miguel gave you. You'd take walking on bare feet rather than wear that torture device ever again. The only plus side of the fancy shoe is that it makes you feel powerful with every click of the heels. Walking along a path, tall apple trees carve a way for you and the twins.

“I like your dress.” Collette says right next to you, you sense her wariness by how she keeps her distance. “The color is beautiful, it's our house color.”

“Thank you, but I've been told that red suits me better.”

“Oh, I think they're right actually.” She smiles, her eyes crinkling at the corners.

“Yeah, I'm slowly getting used to this one though.” You lift up your skirt a bit for emphasis.

“Is it true that you were shot?” John asks in front of you, looking over his shoulder. “We heard from the footmen that you were shot by a pirate when O’Hara rescued you.”

“I was, but that's not the whole story. Miguel didn't rescue me.”

“Really?” Collette's brows are raised in question and surprise. You nod at her question. “Huh, I told you we shouldn't listen to gossip.” She slaps her brother on his bicep, he winces, glaring at her. “It's bad to begin with.”

“That's the thing about gossip, Co, it's not always the truth.” He spits out.

“I knew that, pssh.” She crosses her arms on her chest, annoyed and embarrassed.

“Why are we out here again? If you're planning to ambush me—” Colette gasps loudly, like you've shot her.

“Ambush you? Do we look like we know how to fight?” She stops you from going further down the path just as you see a dark river at the end of it.

John knits his brows with a pout. “We're here to give you a warm welcome, cousin. We heard mother and father didn't even give you a tour, so I guess it falls on us to show you around.”

“At night though?” You gesture around the silence of the grounds, save for a few crickets chirping and the flowing of the lake, you're practically alone in the dark.

“Guess we're just living to our house motto, ‘carpe noctem—’”

“‘Seize the night’” Collette finishes her brother's sentence. “The ancestor who established our house was a gambler.” She shrugs.

“That's our house motto?”

“Nope!” Collette answers you. “It was our house motto.” She gestures to herself and her brother. “Before the crown granted us Hazelside, after—” John elbows her. “I'm sorry.”

“It's alright, what's the actual motto?”

“‘alis volat propriis—’”

“‘She flies with her own wings.’” You translate, the siblings look at you with awe. “There's latin in medicine.”

“You know medicine?!” Collette shrieks, the sound echoing through the dark.

“Brilliant.” John murmurs.

“Oh you must tell us more!” Collette loops her arm around yours, walking side by side. “How and where did you learn it?”

“I—”

“Don't pester her, Co.” John clicks his tongue, “have you cut anyone's arm off?”

“How grim!” She exclaims.

As they lead you towards the sparkling lake, you three chat through the night by the banks of the hazelside lake. They ask about the world outside the capital, they ask about the sea and the pirates you were with. You don't tell them about all the blood and violence, deciding that you shouldn't mar their innocent hearts with stories of death. It's not yours to tell, and you don't want to traumatize the only people who don't look at you with contempt.

“So you're not mad at me or even at least a bit annoyed for showing up and taking the estate from your parents?” You ask whilst the sun slowly rises, bathing the lake in bright blue. The hazelnuts in your mouth is a welcome one since you haven't eaten a single bite since you got to the capital.

“Not really.” John munches on his own pile of hazelnuts. He lounges near the water, hand cradling his head, chewing quietly. “We were surprised at first because there have been a handful of girls who claimed to be you. Who were obviously not you.” You raise an eyebrow at his statement. “But when they told us it was Miguel who found you, we were sure it was really you.”

“Wait— there were people who claimed to be me?”

“Mm-hmm.” Collette hums, sitting close to you, hanging on to every word you utter. “They weren't very convincing.”

“The story of Miguel trying to find you was pretty famous around here. I mean, the guy abandoned his post to find a missing duchess who may or may not be alive. That was a big story back then, so a lot of women threw their daughters and young relatives at the manor's gates to get a chance.” John informs you.

“We were quite young back then, but the fakes dwindled away through the years.” Collette finishes his statement.

“‘Quite young’ she says,” he scoffs, “we were barely out of the womb, Collette.” His sister sticks out her tongue at John.

“Huh, that's probably why I haven't heard of it either, I was still young.” You wonder.

“The sun's almost out!” Collette points at the clear sky. “Get ready, cousin, because you're about to see the most gorgeous thing.”

“The birds here migrate at this time of year,” John helps you both up to your feet. You surprisingly take his hand. “like clockwork. Collette and I used to watch it with our parents before they got all…well, too much. Now it's some sort of tradition for us.”

“Look look! The trees are rustling!” She points, jumping up and down.

“Any minute now.” John smiles at his sister as she half hugs him.

The three of you wait for a sign of the birds, a minute passes, then two, then five. Yet, not even a feather flies overhead. The early morning sun shines brighter with every minute that passes. And with every minute, the twins grew agitated.

“Why aren't they coming out?” Collette asks sadly.

“I'm sure they're just getting ready for the journey.” John reassures his sister with a pat on her shoulder. “My calculations are correct, why aren't they here yet?” He questions no one.

Their slumped shoulders and frowns get to you. An idea pops in your head, and you think it's all Hobie's fault.

“Maybe they're still sleeping.” They look at you simultaneously, “I mean it's really cold out, they probably wanted to stay in bed— or nest to sleep more. I know I would want to.”

“Oh,” Collette gives you a small smile at your attempt to make them feel better. “That's probably it. Thank you, cousin.”

You grin mischievously at them, “what if we wake them all up?”

John makes a face. “How?”

You inhale, putting your hands around your mouth, you scream, “wake the fuck up!” The sound echoed throughout the field and across the lake.

Your cousins let out a loud guffaw, you giggle at their reaction. John joins in, copying your actions.

“Wake up you wankers!” He yells, exhilaration filling his chest. “I've always wanted to say that.” Chuckling, he laughs louder at the face his sister is making.

“Johnathan!” His sister gasps next to him.

“What? Try it out! Come on then! No one's out here to tell us off.” John shakes her shoulder, giving you a wide grin.

“Join us in the dark side, Collette.” You sing song, “the birds need a wake up call.”

“You won't tell mother and father?” She asks the both of you. Wiggling, she’s excited.

Crossing your heart, you promise. “I won't, I'm not a tattletale.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die, Co.”

“Alright.” She exhales deeply before letting loud the loudest scream you've ever heard. “Wake up, cocksuckers!” It's so loud that you swear your eardrums are blown out. Smiling, she turns towards your surprised forms.

Now it's you and John's turn to gasp.

“Cocksucker?!” You exclaim, bewildered.

“Where'd you learn that, Co?!” John pokes his sister.

“I heard it when Mrs. Williams stubbed her toe during lessons.” She said shyly.

“Good on you, sis.” He pats her back. “Good on you.”

Collette looks at you expectantly. “Good show, Co.” You wink at her and she giggles happily.

Facing towards the thick trees across the lake, the birds still don't fly overhead. There's nothing but the wind rustling the branches.

“They didn't wake up though.” She says forlornly.

“What if we do it at the same time?” Your words have them smiling again.

“Yes!” They say simultaneously.

“Ready?” They both nod, taking in air before screaming their hearts out.

“Cocksuckers!” The three of you let out simultaneously. The canopy rustles and out comes a hundred or so birds from the thicket.

You all jump up and down, arms up in greeting the birds. Their feathers shine in the sun, light filtering through their wings. Iridescent blues and whites glowing, reflecting in your eyes. Wings flapping loudly, beaks held up high as they greet the sky with open wings.

Amidst the beauty of it all, you wish that he was there to witness it.

A tear slides down your cheek. You wipe it quickly before the twins notice. Head staring up at the sky, amidst all the beauty and light, there's a darkness swirling inside you. Amidst all the life around you, you feel the opposite. And you miss him. The worst part is, you see this place becoming your home.

>>> CHAPTER 13 II

[intersectionalpraxis]

Where do I even begin? I have yet to watch the full BBC exclusive report/documentary on the Burning Sun scandal -and I will make time for it soon, but I wanted to share some highlights because it's important to talk about. Here is link for those interested in tuning in.

⚠️TW for sexual violence (there are graphic details in the below posts I attached as well), assault, abuse, exploitation, mentions of miscarriage⚠️

I wanted to say, first and foremost that Goo Hara, the South Korean singer/artist of popular kpop group KARA, responsible for bringing forth evidence to help these journalists unveil these hideous and violent crimes against women -I hope you will always be remembered as a brilliantly talented and beautiful human being who was always courageous/brave -and who sought to expose the evil men involved in these sex crimes.

Goo Hara, who was a victim of blackmail -of revenge pornography by a previous partner back in 2019 and for those who aren't aware this shit excuse of a man who did this to her only served a year in prison. I hope people continue to remember her not just as an 'idol,' but as a fighter/someone who care deeply about those around her and for justice for all the women exploited, abused, and violated by the Korean celebrities involved in Burning Sun.

To those Korean idols, actors, and any man in a position of power and privilege involved in Burning Sun -which includes Seungri of prolific kpop group BIGBANG, Jung Joon Young (a popular actor/singer and radio host), and ALL those part of the Kakao group chat: former member of popular kpop group BEAST [now known as Highlight) Yong Jun Hyung [who is also dating Hyuna, disgustingly so], Lee Jong-hyun of CNBLUE (a well-known Korean rock band), Choi Jong-hoon of FT Island (another well-known Korean rock band), as well as popular Korean singers Roy Kim and Eddy Kim. I hope ya'll rot.

I sincerely hope real systemic changes are made and the people involved in heinous violent sexual violence crimes are held accountable. My solidarity is ALWAYS with victims/survivors of violence.

I also wanted to take a moment to also remind folks who love kpop to always be critical of/not disillusioned by the idols you love. Anyone can be violently misogynistic, racist, ableist, a rapist or rape apologist. And yes, I know there are exceptions -I have seen a handful of artists I believe are genuine, but even then I just don't know because we don't know them personally.

I think it's important not to forget that there are RAMPANT systemic injustices that many women in South Korea face (for instance, harsher sentences are given to people who are caught smoking weed compared to men accused of rape) and that the Burning Sun scandal is one of many that the public may or may not know about because of how insidious the kpop industry is, just like any music industry in the world.

[imagineurmom]

I saw these and knew what I need to do

Original images if anyone cares + goofy ass Wallace face