#a human psychiatrist would probably just try to “fix” us

[squeakybold]

i know i'm gonna get laughed at for this but not being a silly little cartoon character irl is actually fucking with me terribly

[a-small-safe-place]

His Haven Pt. 3

Part 1 Part 2

Homelander x Psychiatrist!Reader

Homelander had arrived at your office earlier than your usual meeting time. You had asked him to be there around an hour earlier than your scheduled session. He was putting on a fake smile; he was always good at that. Homelander thought he knew what was happening. You were dropping him as a client. You had to be. You had all but threatened it the last time he came to your house when he was desperate for someone to talk to or even just be around. When his reflection was saying things that were beyond harsh and his penthouse felt a little too empty. Even if you did drop him as a client, he didn’t plan on going anywhere, but it bothered him that you would have even tried.

Homelander stepped into the office without knocking, like he always did. He knew that bothered you, but he didn’t need to knock. It was obvious to him when someone else was in the room, and you would not be dumb enough to book someone over his time with you. He immediately noticed your heart beating faster and the stink of adrenaline all over your body. You were afraid. The smell of adrenaline was fresh, so that meant one thing: you were afraid of him.

Homelander took his seat across from you. You smiled a fake smile before asking, “How are you today?” He wanted to gripe about you, tell you that you had no reason to be afraid of him right now, tell you that even if you tried to drop him as a client, he wasn’t leaving. “Fine,” is all he says with an irritated tone. “What’s so important that I had to be here an hour before our meeting? You know I’m a busy man,” he scolds. Your heart rate spikes.

“Well, we’ve been having some issues with boundaries. Usually, I discuss these things in our first meeting, but since my contract with The Seven was a unique experience, I hadn’t bothered to have a boundaries talk with any of you, at least not an in-depth one.” After you finish talking, Homelander relaxes a bit. You weren’t trying to get rid of him. It was a relief. He figured since you were human; you probably didn’t notice the change in his demeanor, but in reality, it was a very noticeable change. He was like a feral cat finally calming down enough to eat or drink.

“Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries,” Homelander mocks a bit. “Is that all you doctors want to talk about? I thought you wanted to talk about me?”

“This is about you. It’s about both of us,” you counter. He stands back up and begins pacing a bit with his hands behind his back. “Look, we need to have boundaries. They are important. In our first session, I said that I am here for you, and I cannot be here for you if we have no boundaries. If these boundaries continue to be pressed, then I will recommend you to another psychiatrist, one that will be better suited to your needs.” It’s obvious this pisses him off enough that his mask drops. Homelander’s already thin lips flatten into a line of a scowl. At first, his eyes widen a bit, clearly shocked at your sudden assertiveness, but then narrowing somewhat out of anger. He is not looking at you. He’s looking in your direction but pointedly avoiding you or maybe looking through you. Homelander seems to be lost in thought or as if he has suddenly begun to disassociate.

“So you are dropping me?” he finally says. His voice is flat, and his eyes are somewhat glassy. “No. I am still your psychiatrist. We will just be working on our boundaries. It’s my fault. I should have discussed this with you the minute I realized we would be meeting regularly, and I should not have been so indulgent, but that stops now. We will both be good, okay? And you can continue to be my patient. But there will be no time for us outside of this office, and you will quit showing up at my house or following me home. I know you are lonely, but I cannot fill that loneliness as your psychiatrist. I can help you understand why you are having those feelings, but I cannot fix them.” You speak with a confidence that Homelander has never seen from you. He likes this attitude you have.

He ponders it for a moment before sitting back down. Homelander thinks he can make this work, for now. He will still get to see you and visit your house while you’re out. You’re still his. “Okay, I’ll behave,” Homelander says in a way that borders on pride and flirting. He feels somewhat proud of you for being so assertive with you, even if he’s not a huge fan of the outcome.

He knows you will come around eventually, and when you do, he will be waiting with a dinner reservation and the mirror on the ceiling of his bedroom freshly cleaned.

Tag list: @demodemo909 @misadventures0fdes

[belaprus]

Dottore x reader: being his assistant (pt.1)

"So this is my new babysitter"

Just hearing his sarcastic words was already enough to prepare yourself for the next 6 months to come.

"It's not my fault if you messed up again, Akademiya student Zand-"

"So you even had a background check done on me. Bravo! Was it Pantalone's doing?"

Indeed, it was Pantalone who had entrusted you with your current job: surveillance on the most unstable of the harbingers. After the last laboratory had exploded in the midst of an anonymous Sumeru's forest, he decided Il Dottore would be better off returning to Snezhnaya in a high-security bunker under the mountains' hard rock, just to make sure he didn't draw in too much of the uninitiated's attention in such a critical time. You were about to answer his previous question, when he harshly cut you off again, getting closer to you and looking at you with sharp and malicious red eyes, barely but still clearly visible from behind the mask:

"Oh, and don't ever think of calling me that again. Everyone knows of me as Dottore."

He then turned back to work without even waiting for you to speak another word.

'Dude's not too good with social interactions, isn't he? Predictable', you thought to yourself while fixing your eyes on the hospital bed before him, probably containing another of his failed experiments - "no. 726" was written on a blood-stained blanket.

You had observed him for far more than he would ever be aware of: ever since Pantalone had let you into the Fatui, indirectly or not, your duty was to find informations about this man... More like a monster, as he was perceived from everyone, and you were no exception. You had kind of got used to it, though - to be completely fair, you even had started to be curious about him. You usually would have preferred to check on him from afar, but work was not an option among the Fatui. What you hated the most about him was that he was so blatantly incapable of interacting with people, but at the same time he was getting more and more unstable for this very reason: trying to ascend gods' power, yet creating other versions of himself to make sure he didn't completely lose his sanity in the process without even knowing. Different perspectives of reality? Was it even needed when he could have just asked other existing people? Such arrogance in thinking he was the only intelligent one of them all. As a psychiatrist, you had already witnessed a lot of individuals like him and knew better than to let his solitude eat him out.

-------------

Mortality was easier to dispose of than the human's social nature: to stop the process of aging, the DNA only needed to acquire better telomeres-preserving abilities and some more copies of p53 genes to prevent cancer, whereas for emotions not even lobotomy was enough of a secure option. He knew it damn well: even the loss of empathy was not an assurance against his fits of rage and unpredictable personality. After he'd been expelled from the Akademiya he was livid enough to burn a whole city down by just staring at it, but now that he had just said goodbye to years of research - his own copies, all of his past ways to see the world and their contribution to the cause against the gods - he was always in a frantic rush of searching up for new leads to start a new experiment and trying to figure out what went wrong with the last. He didn't have either time or care to spend on another of Pantalone's lackeys. What disgusted him even more is that his associate had chosen such a sharp, direct, sassy woman: the perfect pain in the ass. Her stare was piercing holes through him, and he was so irritated by it. The way she was quietly looking at him taking in the dismembered corpse of yet another child, carried over with another hospital bed, only for her gaze to turn to him again, almost like she was trying to say: "What next? What are you going to do after this?"

He almost thought it nice to make her subject 728.

-----------

The sun was setting when he was fed up enough to finally speak with you:

"Aren't you gonna go eat anything?" Sounded more like a request to go away than actual concern on his part.

"Not until you do", you replied coldly.

His face had turned purple almost instantly. 'He's already gotten that short-tempered? What a hassle', you thought to yourself.

"What are you, a fucking Matra?!"

"Whatever you wish, Dottore..." - you made sure to highlight his name in a slightly mocking tone - "...smoking a cigarette wouldn't be a waste, though" you blatantly ignored his homicidal expression and kept looking at him, waiting for his answer.

He hadn't thought thoroughly enough before getting his right hand on your neck. It was when he felt the high voltage shock and the burning sensation on his hip that he quickly let go of you and started clearing his thoughts. It was at that same moment that your electro and pyro visions suddendly flashed into his peripherical sight, hanging on your belt next to each other.

"You wouldn't let me focus anyway", he quickly responded with his own usual venom-coated tone, rushing to the door and closing it in your face in a childish attempt to leave his new babysitter behind.

"For fuck's sake...", you murmured to yourself before tagging along.

This was going to be the beginning of either a very refreshing experience or a complete mess. And you were already more on the latter's side.

[more-thoughts-than-money]

Born “gifted”; grown chronically depressed

// long, personal post. basically a tutorial on express therapy (and by express I mean 10 years of rationalising, learning psychology on myself and fictional characters + 48 hours of not sleeping)

When I was grieving I spent 48 hours sleepless

it’s not that I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been on insomnia medication for 3 years now. I just had to “have a reason” and time to actually acknowledge my emotion and thoughts which caused my body to struggle with setting a “proper” circadian rhythm

Living with a 5 person family in basically a studio flat for 13 years of my life low-key harmed my ability to think and “feel” without privy eyes

this accidentally sent my brain into survival mode where I could only “think rationally” at night

So when we moved out and I got to have a room of my own

that’s when *serious* sleep problems started

my brain would just REFUSE to shut the fuck up

first off I was used to tv noise while falling asleep

i fixed it up with some rain sounds or watching ATLA when I was feeling funky

it distracted me enough

still I wouldn’t fucking sleep.

because my brain didn’t feel like it

probably hyperactivity which I could never “treat” with sport as an asthmatic kid

also an outcast but it is what it is

unable to name the cause of my insomnia I would just head to sleep at 10pm. Two reasons for that:

a) you know what they say! Don’t trust your thoughts after 10PM

b) 8h of sleep is THE healthy amount. And it seems like my brain likes waking up early for whatever reason!

yeah also I went through a fair share of medication before they got it right

anyways whoops I’m depressed now. Very depressed and even more anxious. Day by day my brain is giving me more compulsive behaviours and thoughts! Yaaay!

so I went through a 3 years worth of antidepressants

also a lot of unintended research (thanks, tiktok.)

basically I “subconsciously” KNEW what my problem is but “consciously” my brain refused I acknowledge it because haha living in the state of constant survival mode is way more fun! right?

right?

basically it was like being a doctor and being pretty certain about the diagnosis but having to go to some other doctor to objectively either confirm or discard my diagnosis

yeah anyways I changed medication, SNRI, venlafaxine

known to help some adhd folk with severe vegetative depression for “no reason”

Yeah basically my new psychiatrist kept on upping the dose until I got “a kick in the ass” so we know it works

and then my aunt died.

wELL my workaholic and emotionally constipated child brain would NOT acknowledge it

hell you’d catch me dead before I’d admit that I felt shitty but didn’t know how to deal with that because at the same time I “saw it coming”

No one ever told me she’s sick

I just saw her hair loss (or rather a sudden haircut change and awkward silence that followed) and had some foggy memory of someone saying her sister died of cancer

Mind you I don’t fucking remember my childhood that well

hell I don’t remember it at all but it is what it is

I just “know” some things and some are more of a “hunch”

I have this information buried in my brain but I can’t recall how it got there, ykwim?

yeah basically I was suspecting she’s dying of cancer but I was trying to stay optimistic and told myself I’m “overthinking it”

and I thought the mourning was “good enough of a reason” to stay up for 48 hours, write down my “thoughts” and wail all day long (yes, everyone gave me shit for crying growing up, how did you know?)

anyways yeah I did this and suddenly I “solved” the root of ALL my anxieties and minor paranoias.

as if it was a fucking riddle. Or a fucking house MD episode.

I hope you can understand WHY I’m so livid.

I SPENT OVER 3 YEARS ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MADE ONE THERAPIST CRY JUST BECAUSE MY BRAIN WENT SO FAR INTO THE SURVIVAL MODE EVERY TIME I INTERACTED WITH A HUMAN BEING. IM JUST FUCKING AUTISTIC AND TRAUMATISED NOT “ANXIOUS” AND “PARANOID”

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

Also I’m fucking dyslexic. But hyperlexic at the same time. I mean I’m hyperlexic in my native language, and I “remember” the spellings so I went undiagnosed

but I love technology. I want to be a CS student and then I’ll see where I can go from here. I’d love to work on an online learning platform for “gifted” children

y’know so they don’t lose their childhood but at the same time can associate learning with something nice and actually enjoyable

I think a lot of “gifted kid burnout” comes from the | dopamine <—> habit making | mechanism

so if children can learn they don’t HAVE TO be good at every subject and learn their “strengths and weaknesses” early on

Hardships later on won’t be as depressing

cause hey maybe I’m not the best at english but I know a lot about maths and I like maths and maybe when I grow older I can be a mathematician!!

you see what I mean?

at least this is what I’m trying to do for myself

generational trauma and neurodivergency running in the family made me develop some shitty coping mechanisms (example - perfectionism in order to cope with my actual time blindness and the “need” for structure while hating organisation and refusing “unreasonable” authority)

I wasn’t raised catholic, not really

nor was I raised queer lol

but my brain reacted to religion the same way people who went through religious trauma did

basically I put myself through religious trauma on accident!

fun, aye?

what I mean is, I grew up religious because that’s what “felt right”

tradition and all that

and then I realised the catholics hate me for no fucking reason

and then I thought “well fuck you too!” And called myself an atheist

later it went into agnostic

and a couple of weeks back I grew OBSESSED with religion

christian one I mean

Fuck I even started reading the nsrv bible in english (!)

and then I tried to interpret it “by myself” using some historical context and googling some stuff

WHAAAAAAAT! Turns out the bible is a product of its own time and is not to be taken literally!

That’s crazy innit?

Yeah and then I realised all of my recent hyperfixations (last two years) were a silent ways of rationalising ALL my “unreasonable” anxiety and trauma caused by; you guessed it

NOT UNDERSTANDING SYMBOLISM AND SOCIAL CUES AS IT IS

IN MY NATIVE FUCKING LANGUAGE

I can learn *any* language

I just need some books, movies, music in said language

But don’t ask me about any grammar. I don’t care about grammar. And you can’t make me. Idfk what present simple is but I can shove it so far up your ass your own mother won’t recognise you. so yeah

I’m great at learning languages cause they’re a “brainless” work for me

I mean

I learn languages for fun - it’s a tool to communicate with broader audience AND find more knowledge on the internet (I Google EVERYTHING in english)

and when someone tries to make it into an actual job of mine. This is when it goes downhill.

also english being coded as “language of knowledge” is my “main” language

my native language is way more complicated and I never really had to acknowledge my emotion in polish

I mean maybe I did but I just never wanted to cause I never learned that! English in comparison is simple. It allows me to communicate simple ideas without the need to “sound smart”

this and isolation from my peers (kids are bastards) gave me an actual “language barrier”

which isn’t the case really

it was just my overthinking

I started enjoying polish music way more recently cause I can never get the lyrics

so I listen only to what sounds “cool”

in english on the other hand the most of my music taste was built around midwestern emo and folk punk

cause I listened only to songs that felt “somewhat relatable”

yeah all of that understanding makes me want to write an essay but i kind of don’t care and I’m too lazy to do that!

so yeah this is how I “cured” my compulsions, anxiety, depression, irritability and perfectionism. By having fucking adhd and being a massive nerd. because I would hyperfixate on linux, customisation, open source applications, cybersecurity, programming

turns out I’m great at maths since I KNOW HOW to solve the problems

My brain is just too quick to do it step by step so I tend to skip and get lost in my own fuckin notebook 💀

schooling just made me believe I suck at maths and i should actually kms for trying to improve at it /hj /lh

And I suck at my own language. I know a lot of “complicated” words and can deduce what certain words mean (logically) but I have issues adapting my language to my listeners. I either cuss every other word (too comfortable; thanks mom LMFAO)

Or I speak like an university professor. To my peers. And they don’t know what the fuck is going on. And I end up isolating myself because of crippling fear of being misinterpreted. And people think I don’t have a sense of humour whatsoever because I don’t “get” jokes. But I joke a lot and am very sarcastic cause that’s just how I am. God damn it

When were y’all going to tell me not everyone thinks I want to use them and be a bastard overall when I need to ask someone for help. when. were. you.

icb I had to go to paid therapy, feed myself some subliminal messaging, deprive myself of sleep for 48 hours, force myself to talk to my dad about things I don’t understand or scare me, go manic for a week on venlafaxine, my aunt had to die and I had to have a reason not to go to school for 2 days for me to actually acknowledge my emotion instead of rationalising it.

also everyone in school + my therapist thinks I’m still manic and in need of hospitalisation. How do I even begin to explain it’s not that I have superiority complex, and I just realised I’m hella smart, just in a pretty unexpected way….. because thorough my entire life I never acknowledged it for the sake of being “humble”. bitch it’s not humble it’s the lack of self worth and being someone else’s doormat.

y’all think that if I say “house md and one tumblr post cured me” they’ll let me off the radar?

no honestly I have too much to catch up on (maths, c++, reading in POLISH, and learning German for fun) to actually care about “depressing” things of this world

I mean sure it does sound unhealthy in hindsight

but thing is

this is the first time in my life where I don’t feel hopeless both about present AND the future

and I guess that’s enough for now

I have “a goal” and that’s enough

Later I might catch a job as an actual university professor. Maths or computer science. Biology or physics maybe?

it gives me an excuse to be “eccentric” lol

cause the students are here to learn not to make fun of who I am and focus on that

sure it’s a funny anecdote to mention like “dude my physics teacher is fucking nuts but at least his lectures are interesting”

and that’s all I care about

I get to express myself instead of internalising anything

and the students get to learn

yay and yay

mutual benefit!

yeah anyway fuck I have so much shit to catch up on and I’m so lazy I actually have to reorganise my room and desk so I don’t try to do my homework in bed……. (Yes I was THAT depressed and lazy)

when I do my chores in bed I keep on losing my pens and I’m one minor inconvenience away from doing something I might not particularly want to do…….

yah

thats it I guess

If this post made anyone realise something (“connect some dots”)

congrats and I’m sorry you had to find out this way LMFAO

if not

scroll ahead, not the target audience probably

[pseudinymous]

This is a little late, but I decided that this year I will take my life back, violently if necessary. I’m going to:

- Get my endometriosis (ALL of it) removed in March, using the best gynocological surgeon in the state. He basically just specialises in removing endo by excision all day long. I might finally be free of this highly particular multiple-times-per-month hell that has blighted my life since I was 13.

- Sell the house, or if the price drops too much by March, try to rent it out, since I geographically cannot live there (and no, I don’t give a shit what you think of landlords). There is no other option. I won’t sit here and take a $50,000 loss just to get rid of the damn thing. This will mean paying off a lot of debt associated with the house that was supposed to be paid when it was sold; I am working this down as fast as I can now and will work something out with my creditors with what’s left over in March if I can’t sell at a reasonable price. - Go back to therapy. I use tumblr, of course I’m mentally ill lmao. This is a priority. I’m going back to see my first psychologist who was historically the best one I had. Awesome dude. Also now specialises in people with chronic health conditions. Feeling very relieved I can go back to him.

- Get a different psychiatrist. Current one is only good for prescribing ADHD meds and not much else; difficult to talk to, difficult to explain situations to, straightforward but a bit of a cunt. Going to go find someone who’s less of a cunt about the fact that I need to function properly and not be a risk to myself across more than just office hours, and will actually help me to find a medication arrangement that will safely allow for this.

- Take a trimester off university to recover from doing anatomy over summer (freaking hell it’s a lot of work) and also recover from surgery. Can hopefully use some of the extra time to help work off my debts, too.

- Optimise my heart treatment plan so that I can get more benefit and less fainting and exhaustion spells. I’ll probably have to work pretty closely with my cardiologist for this, but I think it’ll be worth it.

- Stop caring about mental health. No, this sounds stupid, but it’s a thing. I over-think about my mental state and it causes me to get worse when I realise how bad it is (and subsequently obsess on fixing something that is, by all means, presently unfixable hormone problems). An experiment has led to me realising that refusing to acknowledge and ignoring the state of it actually leads to me having WAY better days. So basically, am I capitulating? If the answer is yes, fuck everything and play Pokemon.

- Keep getting kickass grades. Stick my tongue out at everyone who said I couldn’t. Fuck ‘em.

- Prove myself. To myself. Somehow. Prove myself to everyone. Figure out how to present myself as me again, and not some sick frail little waif of a human being. Not oversharing all my illnesses would be a damn good start (of course, this is tumblr, so lol).

It’s a lot, but it’s a plan, and every part of it that I can manage to execute will help.

Then in 2024, I might even dare to learn how to hope.

[mysuckyliferants]

I went to the psychiatrist about this and he gives me his two precious minutes and says “You look fine I don’t think you need any medication.”

First post after a while. The other day, this girl I know texted me. She, was a classmate (was as in I graduated last month), asking me to meet up “without telling anyone please”. Having been ignored by most people at my school (including her), been left out of group hang outs and conveniently forgotten unless something was needed of me, I had had enough of this school and the people in it who seemed the like nicest lot but could not manage to hold up any conversation that was not totally superficial. I had kept things on a conversational basis with most of my “friends” at school without expecting any form of real friendship from any of them, trying to get busy on my own, figuring out my passions, and being quite satisfied in general, when I get a text from this girl with the nicest of words — a “heyyy” with the triple “y” and “how are youuuuu”, “this is [insert girl name]”, “i got your number from []” — which were honestly like a blast from the past. For a moment I thought, “Someone cares, and didn’t forget me in the five weeks that have passed since school ended?” Fast forwarding to when she asked me to meet up, I replied with a “is there anything specific, or just in general?” to confirm my inner insecurity shouting at me with “she probably doesn’t care” and my inner angel whispering, “maybe she just wants to hang out with you and tell you that you were actually a really a really good friend and she would like your advice about something” and obviously I chose to listen to the whisper because that’s what keeps us going isn’t it?

Her: oh about something specific.

Me: oh what is-

Her: how long does it take to make a website?

How tf am I supposed to react to that? I mean, you don’t contact someone for months, conveniently forget about them during invitations to group hang outs and you start the conversation with a “hey how are u”, wait for the other person to reply, get invested and then reveal that all along it wasn’t them you cared about but this distant skill they probably mentioned they had? I mean if that’s all you want from them why not just LEAD WITH THAT??

These days I’m convinced that people only talk to me when they need something from me. And I wonder if that’s just me. May be that’s true for most people today. Have we become that fucking commercial that the only reason we have any human contact is because we want something material from them? It’s bullshit. I fee myself being ignored, and lied to, and maybe I’m just a huge ass attention seeker but hanging out with other people these days has just been me stressing out about whether they even really care about me or what I’m saying.

It’s not that there aren’t people who listen. Any time I meet someone new they are the nicest, but the moment I start getting invested in the possibility of a real friendship more that just acquaintanceship, I get hugely disappointed. That really makes me wonder, am I that boring of a person? And if I am, how do I know? How do I fix it? Is there anyone who can tell me that? Or is all this anxiety just in my head? Maybe everyone really likes me but my my mind just projects all my insecurities onto other people? Or are all the people I meet douchebags?

If I tell my parents or my bestest friend this, they are just gonna say “Stop worrying about these things. That’s not true. Everything is gonna be fine.” I went to the psychiatrist about this and he gives me his two precious minutes and says “You look fine I don’t think you need any medication.” But what if everything is not going to be fine? What if everything is not fine? What do I do then?

I was seeing a counsellor but I can’t see her now because of technical reasons and that is really fucking unfortunate. The next time I can see a counsellor (a different one) is in September. So I guess I just wait till then.

I don’t know, so that’s what’s been on my mind lately. I don’t know if anyone reads this but yeah, if you have any comments.

July, 23 ‘22

[prudencepaccard]

whenever I post about the same old angers I think of this conversation from two years ago with @injygo which was of the most insightful and revelatory dialogues I’ve ever had about my personal psychology

me: my psychiatrist asked me if I loved myself and I was like "I uh...I think I have a lot to offer...and I don't think I'm worthless...and I don't hate myself like I used to" and she was like "dude that's not good enough"

me: I definitely don't love myself

[note: I think I’m starting to now though]

injygo: <:ghosthug:585698760890515503>

me: like I think I'm talented and interesting but I feel deep down like I must be extremely annoying and unlikable and my voice must be grating and I don't know why anyone actually tolerates me

me: I understand why someone might keep me in their collection of eccentrics but not why anyone would want to spend any significant amount of time with me

[note: in early 2020 I was told by someone whose opinion I valued and whom I had wanted to meet for a long time that « the way I take up space is beautiful » which is one of the most validating things anyone could say to me because I have a complex about taking up space wrong/too much/etc.]

me: this in spite of the fact that I am actually extremely loved

me: I'm not *popular* but I'm not at a lack for devoted friends and family

me: but I'm like "okay surely people will come to their senses though"

injygo: does it help to think about how there's lots of different people in the world with different standards, and so there's not really a single scale of likability?

me: a little maybe

me: anyway my self-compassion is garbage and I knew that

me: I know I'm really harsh on myself and keep letting myself down

me: but I hadn't thought about it in those specific terms till she asked

me: like oh no I don't think I love myself, no

me: my loved ones don't love themselves either

me: I don't hate myself as much as I used to but I'm just extremely rigorous and harsh and impatient

me: I really have very very little compassion for myself at all

me: I don't even feel sorry for myself, usually

[linking thought redacted for interlocutor’s privacy]

me: whereas I tend to double down

me: like "yes so fuck everything, let's stay in bed and not eat"

injygo: you do feel sorry for yourself, but you can't usually "get to" it, if you get my meaning

me: what do you mean by get to it?

injygo: like you tell people stories about shitty things that have happened to you, hoping that something they say will reveal how you can forgive yourself for having been harmed and comfort yourself

injygo: like, you're going "hmm, that feels bad, i bet anyone would feel bad for me and try to comfort me, let's test that out" trying to get a response like "that sucks and shouldn't have happened", not because you deep down want other people to comfort you, but because you deep down want to comfort yourself and don't know how except with other people's words and reactions

me: it's possible

injygo: you stay in situations you hate long after you should, because you don't feel like your preferences matter or that you deserve good things, but you *want* to leave, and can't get to the point of saying "yeah, i shouldn't have to suffer this any longer"

injygo: like you're not a masochist, you're not suicidal, there's not a drive to punish yourself for the sake of punishment, it's just that you don't feel like you have the right to avoid bad things and seek good things, or to be comforted, or to have things be easy for you

me: yeah this is probably true

injygo: so you can easily get trapped in depressive spirals where you don't feel like you deserve to eat, or you don't feel like it matters if you're sad

injygo: but when you feel like you *do* deserve things, you're motivated to pursue them and you get mad at people who get in your way

injygo: which is honestly pretty enviable

me: thanks

me: I'm not 100% sure

>forgive yourself for having been harmed

is apt

me: but the rest is pretty accurate

injygo: yeah, i'm not quite sure what's up with your like, quasi-trauma-processing thing

me: "you shouldn't have to suffer like this" is really, really hard to grok when it's an OCD spiral

me: it feels baked in, like if X then Y

me: >yeah, i'm not quite sure what's up with your like, quasi-trauma-processing thing

elaborate?

me: god I just fucking

injygo: but there's definitely a thing where, uh, it's like if you painted a picture and you thought it was really good, but you can't say to yourself "yep this picture is good" until you've shown it to your friends and they've been like "hey, that's good!"

me: I know something really messed with me but I don't have any idea what's going on

me: I don't model myself as traumatized per se

injygo: like, you don't trust your own judgment about whether something hurt you, whether it was your fault, whether it's okay to feel bad about it

me: I also feel like my suffering doesn't matter because everyone else is worse off and/or deserved it less

me: so these anecdotes keep cropping up to you, because you feel like they're unresolved, but what you actually want, rather than being told that it sucked and shouldn't have happened, is for you to be able to say to yourself that it sucked and shouldn't have happened

me: probably yeah

injygo: you don't trust your ability to tell if the painting is good

me: this is definitely true

me: I'm very insecure like that

me: I undersell and undervalue myself

me: from only charging $40/hr [for one hour/week French tutoring that involved me coming to him from pretty far away and lesson planning and making exercises and where the guy I was tutoring balked at paying me that much and tried to bargain me down to $30 even though he had a ton of money and mentioned taking tennis lessons and how much you wanna bet the tennis instructor was making a whole lot more than $40 an hour]

me: to like

me: going "ugh it's true but why'd you have to say it" if someone calls me ugly

injygo: like this is not the bpd thing where you're constantly seeking validation -- borderlines feel good when they're validated, and it like, satisfies them completely (for a short time) when people are like "i like you and you matter"

injygo: they get "hungry" again, and they have to learn to provide it for themselves, but it's this feeling of desperation like "i will Literally Die if someone doesn't pay attention to me Right Now"

injygo: but with you it's more like, being faced with a door you don't know how to open, a feeling of bafflement and a vague sense that something can be done that isn't being done

injygo: like, you know how a dog acts when they're injured, and they come up to you holding their paw up, asking you to fix it

injygo: but a cat will be like "there is a thing that's wrong! help, human" but you don't know what thing it is, and they keep meowing at you and asking you to fix it, but you can't really figure out what to fix

me: and I'm the cat right

injygo: yeah

injygo: like "i'm pretty sure it shouldn't hurt to jump, but i don't see any way to fix it, so i guess i'll just deal"

me: mood

injygo: you're like "problem?" and people are like "yep, problem" and you're like "oh" and then "problem?" because you need *you* to tell yourself the things

[frizzy-hoot]

Neuroessentialism and mental health

Hi!

Time for a little rant about neuroessentialism.

The aim of this post is to provide the opportunity to be conscious of the things that influence us when it comes the way we think about mental health and to challenge stigma around mental health.

First off, I’m not a doctor and the information here cannot serve as medical advice. Always consult your doctor before changing your medication or treatment approach.

Secondly, a lot of the information I present here is elaborated on and further discussed in an episode of the Psychiatry and psychotherapy podcast called “Free will in psychotherapy and psychiatry Part 3” and while I will link to as many things as I can, you can also find a lot of the source material on the website for the podcast. https://www.psychiatrypodcast.com/psychiatry-psychotherapy-podcast/2020/7/22/free-will-in-psychiatry-amp-psychotherapy-part-3

So, I see a lot of people talking about mental health on here through a neuroessentialist perspective in memes or text format and I don’t think they’re aware of it so. I’d like to talk a bit about it.

First, I’ll offer a definition of neuroessentialism:

" Neuroessentialism is the view that the definitive way to explain human psychological experience is by reference to the brain and its activity from chemical, biological and neuroscientific perspectives. For instance, if someone is experiencing depression a neuroessentialistic perspective would claim that he or she is experiencing depression because his or her brain is functioning in a certain way.” - Schultz, W. (2018)

I see people talk about, for example, depression in this way often: in memes when people say "I have a literal neurotransmitter deficiency, Karen." or " God forgot to add serotonin when he made me".

Now, why can this be problematic?

Before I get into the issues with this perspective, I will first acknowledge that one of the reasons this view has become so prominent lately is because it aims to reduce stigma around mental health issues.

In the podcast episode mentioned above they point out that “Efforts to reduce stigma should be praised, but they should also be critically analyzed to determine if they meet their goal.”

And that’s the thing neuroessentialism, while aiming to reduce stigma and shame it only does so short term and ends up contributing to stigmatizing attitudes about mental health.

I want to say that it's great to see people fight back when it comes to stigma around mental health. That's what I see people do in these memes. But the effects of neuroessentialist perspectives end up othering people; making them inherently “bad”, “defect” or “helpless”.

Here the deterministic aspect of neuroessentialism comes up - it tells us that there’s something wrong with our brain that we can’t change. It alienates people because it chips away at their and our belief in their ability to change. If you believe that someone's mental issues are rooted exclusively in brain biology, you're less likely to believe that they can control their behavior and so it is less worth the effort of getting them better. This brings about more stigma.

Another thing that’s important to talk about is how neuroessentialism is an extremely simplistic perspective on mental health. And that’s also one of the reasons it has become so big- because it offers a simple explanation to very complicated illnesses.

Here, I want to add a quote by Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr. David Puder:

“There are prominent theories out there that we know just aren’t true anymore and that get propagated because they are simplistic ways of explaining things; for example, depression is because you have low serotonin in your brain. That’s just not true. It’s a whole lot more complicated than that.

You could probably show 20 or 30 things that are going on in the brain during depression. Inflammation. Like initially I thought ‘oh depression is inflammation!’

Well, it turns out not all depression has inflammation. Maybe, only one third [of patients with depression] have inflammation markers in the brain.”

We have been looking to neuroscience for an explanation when it comes to mental health and been satisfied with the idea of a simple "chemical imbalance" but truth is that there are many more neurotransmitters which significantly affect our brains when we talk about depression – it’s so far from just serotonin.

Another example of how neuroessentialim can oversimplify mental health is with brain scans. So, in the podcast episode mentioned above, Dr. Puder talks about how he was really interested in emotions and especially studying anger and he was looking at all this research on the different areas in the brain involved in anger. After a while, he says, he began to understand that it’s really complex and you can’t just point at one area and say that’s the area that’s involved in the emotion anger. There are several areas involved in just that one emotion and different studies show different things.

The truth is that the manifestation of mental illness in the body is a very new area of research and we haven’t found physical manifestations for most mental illnesses and the important thing to note here is that despite this we still do have ways of treating all of them.

Alright, all this can seem quite removed from us so how does neuroessentialsim affect us?

In the episode the guest star, Mathew Hagele, further discusses the article which provided the definition on neuroessentialism above: “Shultz looked at studies investigating how patients viewed their own prognosis and later the same with professionals.

The study found that biochemical or genetic attribution scores were a significant predictor of longer expected symptoms duration and lower perceived odds of recovery.” (Lebowitz et al., 2013, p. 523).

Now, this means that the more a patient attributes symptoms of their psychopathology to genetic (inherited disorderes) or biochemical (serotonin deficiency for example) factors, the longer they expected to struggle with their disorder and the smaller the belief that they can recover.

If a person doesn’t believe they can be helped or get better they’re a lot less likely to try and a lot more likely to feel scared and hopeless.

The other side of this coin is the effect the neuroessentialist narrative has on clinicians which Matthew Haegel dives into in the next part of the quote:

“Another study shows that clinicians believe psychotherapy to be less effective when shown biological descriptions of mental health pathologies...

They took a couple different disorders that these clinicians were looking at and one group had a biological explanation and the other did not- had a different type of explanation. And [in] the results that were across disorders, the biological explanation yielded significantly less empathy than the psychosocial explanation. They also did some additional analysis and they found that biological explanations yielded less empathy than the psychosocial explanations among both MD’s and non-MD’s…..”( Lebowitz, M. S., & Ahn, W. K. (2014). )

So, in these studies we see that a neuroessentialist perspective lowers empathy for the patient in medical health professionals and people who weren’t medical health professionals.

Okay, so how does this perception of the patient’s illness affect the patient’s treatment?

I’ll start with a quote where Hagele elaborates further:

“…and finally, that clinicians perceive psychotherapy to be significantly less effective when symptoms were explained biologically than psychologically…[ Lebowitz, M. S., & Ahn, W. K. (2014). ]

basically, linking the idea that the diminished importance of psychotherapy among mental health professionals ascribing to the concept of neuroessentialism is doubly harmful when considering the multiple contexts in which psychotherapy matches or outperforms pharmaceutical interventions.”

What Hagele points out here is the way neuroessentialism can lead to a less effective and ethical treatment of mental illness. It makes us approach an issue in one manner only- fix the brain, fix the behavior. But sometimes what can treat he issue in the brain is, working on the behavior. This can be talked about in terms of meds vs. psychotherapy.

So, seeing mental health from a neuroessentialist perspective, completely excludes the effects of psychotherapy. A classic example is CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) in which we have “Cognitive restructuring”: a psychotherapeutic process in which a person learns to recognize maladaptive or distressing thoughts and teaches their brain to consider other perspectives or different thought pattern. This is an example of “work on behaviour to better brain” rather than “working on brain will fix behavior”. According to strict neuroessentialism therapy shouldn’t work as well as it does but there is a really big body of science backing psychotherapeutic intervention and its efficacy compared to psychopharmacological intervention.

I feel I should address the discussion of Meds vs. therapy before I continue, (it is a whole topic worthy of a post on its own) but to be brief, they work best together and if you’re weighing one against the other psychotherapy has more long-term effects and barely any side effects compared to medication. There are other factor affecting what would be the most effective treatment approach that further nuances this discussion.

Now this is all a pretty big picture but how is this seen every day?

Well, its seen in the downplaying of the importance of therapy. Often, I see this as people normalize behavior where they kind of devalue the importance therapy or put off working on their issues in therapy with the excuse that it’s only for “crazy” people or not something worth the effort.

Therapy then increasingly is seen as this unimportant, extra thing rather than, in most cases, the most effective and safe treatment. And the less crucial therapy is considered, the less accessible it’s going to be – in the U.S. it can often be easier to get your insurance company to cover for a doctors visits where the treatment would be for your GP to prescribe you an antidepressant than an inpatient or outpatient treatment with a mental health professional.

Another point I wanna put out there is that that neuroessentialist narrative is incentivized by pharmaceutical companies. Dr. Puder talks about his own experience in the podcast episode and makes sure to stress that practitioners are humans too and will of course be biased towards something if that something writes them a check or pays some of their expenses. In the episode they discuss a way in which we have seen the neuroessentialist narrative progress:

“Second, there is evidence that the significant increase in direct-to consumer (DTC) advertising for antidepressants is related to rising prescription rates (Park & Grow, 2008). Such advertisements portray depression as a biological medical condition that can successfully be treated with medicine (Lacasse & Leo, 2005; Leo & Lacasse, 2008)” (613).

Now, medicine is an important tool in psychiatry and there is a lot of unnecessary stigma around medication for mental health conditions. I am under no circumstances arguing that medication is bad and therapy is the only right way to treat mental illness. That would be an extreme simplification and invalidation of human experiences. I also wanna acknowledge that being able to go to therapy in many places in the world is a matter of privilege. Therapy simply isn’t accessible for everyone and people can choose an “only medication approach” for many valid reasons. And if that’s the only treatment that was accessible to you I’m really proud of you for taking care of yourself and doing what you can.

If your doctor has prescribed you a medication please take it and know that the purpose is to help you and that you are worthy of help and good health care. The situation where I would suggest to be a tad critical is when people come in with disorders and issues that they have dealt with for years and most of their life and they are just prescribed an antidepressant and sent home. That simply isn’t effective and ethical care. In that case it is worth investigating getting access to a mental health practitioner as well as continuing with medicinal treatment.

I could talk about this for hours but the last thing I wanna get across is that this is a societal problem. I don’t suggest we turn away from pharmaceutical intervention which saves thousands of lives and helps people get better, rather that we work to make psychotherapy (which can be and is crucial for long term remission and recovery) more accessible for when it’s appropriate.

When your doctor tells you that this invisible illness is because of your biology most people feel validated and experience less shame. The fact that people feel like they need to have a tracible biological “anomaly” in their brains to be worthy of treatment and care speaks to an invalidation that many feel. But the issue here is that we're taught to invalidate invisible illness in society which in the end makes people delay critical treatment or blocks access to ethical and effective care.

We also have to acknowledge that with the technology we have now we are not able to know whether all mental illness manifests in the brain in a way we can see so hinging our worthiness of help and care on the definition is in the end harmful.

TL;DR

" Neuroessentialism is the view that the definitive way to explain human psychological experience is by reference to the brain and its activity from chemical, biological and neuroscientific perspectives. For instance, if someone is experiencing depression a neuroessentialistic perspective would claim that he or she is experiencing depression because his or her brain is functioning in a certain way.” - Schultz, W. (2018)

Neuroessentilism can validate a patient and bring relief of shame short term but ends up contributing to stigmatizing attitudes and thus doesn’t help reduce stigma overall.

The neuroessentialist narrative can downplay the efficacy and criticalness of psychotherapeutic intervention

Neuroessentialist perspectives foster lower empathy levels for patients in medical providers and non-providers alike.

Neuroessentialist perspectives of a patient significantly increases levels of prognostic pessimism which leads to worse treatment outcomes

Neuroessentialism arose because of a real invalidation people feel around their mental health and it is a societal issue we need to work on

We can combat neuroessentialism and stigma by working to make psychotherapy more accessible and talking about our experiences openly as well as giving each other kindness and empathy.

[sohotthateveryonedied]

When Everyone Who Loves me Has Died

Read here on AO3!

Summary:

"Everything is as it should be, yet here I am, still feeling like I’m missing something.”

“Like what?” Tim can’t remember the last time he saw Harley sit still and listen for so long without getting fidgety. Either she's learning self-control, or Tim's life is just really fucking depressing.

“Like...I don’t know.” Tim scratches his thumbnail against some dried paint, unable to feel the chill of the metal through his glove. “Everyone is back, but that doesn’t erase the fact that they were dead. That part still happened, regardless of whether they came back or not. It’s like—like burning a hole in a piece of paper and covering it with tape. It doesn’t heal anything.”

Whoever came up with the concept of mind over matter should be imprisoned for false advertising. Tim has been trying to get his mind over the matter for months now, and the matters are still very much gripping the steering wheel. If anything, his mind gave in and slid into the passenger seat, going along for the ride. Tim is sitting on a billboard platform, Lex Luthor’s ginormous bald self providing a nauseating backdrop as he advertises whatever world domination kick he’s on at the moment. Tim watches the cars go by on the highway, utterly indifferent to the tiny speck of a vigilante watching from above. His cowl is down, but he isn’t worried. It’s unlikely that anyone will be able to spot him up here, civilian or otherwise. Besides, it gets harder and harder to breathe under the weight of the mask these days. He was supposed to be getting better. The days are coming in at longer intervals, which should be a relief. Days when he gets “dark and twisty” as Jason lovingly calls it, which isn’t too far off, Tim supposes. Something inside of him is definitely twisted, coiled into a furl of darkness where there used to be light. God, he needs therapy. He should be getting better. There is no logical reason to be feeling this way. Not anymore. Not when things are finally back where they should be after years of grief. Maybe something has been knocked loose in his brain, keeps him on this brink he can’t seem to sway to either side of. He’s not happy, but he’s not completely sad either. There’s no logic to it, no reason. No closure. Is this how ghosts feel? Like they’re straddling the in-between, stuck feeling like everything they have is just slightly out of reach? “Why the long face, kiddo?”

Tim is up in an instant, fumbling to pull his cowl back over his face. He raises his bo staff at the prowler, only to find Harley standing at the other end of the platform, her arms packed with reusable grocery bags. She’s wearing civilian clothes: a Nightwing tank top and leather pants that look like she doused them in glue and rolled around in a kiddie pool filled with glitter. Tim relaxes. He lowers his staff. “You shouldn’t do that. I could have knocked your head off.” “Nah, I’m too good to be taken down by a twelve-year-old.” “I’m eighteen.” “You sure? ‘Cause I could have sworn you were still in middle school.” “Hilarious.” “Thanks, I’ve been thinkin’ about doing some comedy on the side to pay the bills. Eddie says I’ve got a real knack for it.” Harley sits on the edge of the platform beside the spot where Tim was before. “I asked you a question, by the way.” “Bruce is going to kill me if he finds out I’m hanging out with you.” Fine, so that’s a minor exaggeration. Bruce will always have beef with Harley regardless of how many good deeds she does. Dick’s theory is that Bruce has some lingering bitterness from his and Harley’s rivalry from med school, and he probably isn’t too far off. The rest of the family is far looser when it comes to trusting Harley; Alfred even sent her a Hanukkah gift last year. “You and I both know Brucie is in Metropolis this week.” At Tim’s inquiring look, she explains, “My mom is friends with him on Facebook. So, are you gonna spill or what? ‘Cause I’ve got ice cream here and I swear to god I’ll fill your nostrils with tapioca if it melts.” Tim rolls his eyes. He lets his cowl fall back against his neck and sits beside Harley. “I’m fine.” “And that’s why you’re hanging out here all angsty-like?” “I’m not angsty.” “You’re the angstiest person on this fuckin’ billboard.” Which, fine, that’s probably true. “I don’t need a PHD to tell that something’s eating ya, kid. Which I do, by the way. Got the certificate and everything.” Tim gestures to her grocery bags. “I thought you had somewhere to be.” “What, these ol’ things? Nah. I just have a date with Pam-a-lamb tonight and had to borrow some supplies.” “Borrow?” “The manager there was a dick, anyways. He’s the one who got all snappy when I ate all the free samples, so trust me. He deserved to get his stuff stolen.” “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.” “I’ll go back and return the thirty-seven scratch-offs I took if you tell me what’s bothering you.” Tim looks out over the black horizon, the moon barely visible behind the clouds. “It’s nothing.” “Everything is something. Gandhi said that.” “Pretty sure he didn’t.” “What, did you personally know the guy?” She nudges Tim with her elbow. “Well? Spit it out, Timberlake.” Tim lets out a breath. “It’s just...you know when you lose something really important to you? And you miss it, but after a while, when you’ve already accepted that you’ll never see it again, you find it? And you’re happy to have it back, but there’s still...something is missing. Almost like you never found it at all, you know?” “Not really, no.” Tim’s mouth twitches upward. “I’ve spent the past two years in mourning, but now I don’t have to mourn anymore. Everything is perfect again.” Harley arches an eyebrow. “Lemme guess, you don’t know why you still feel like you’re grieving?” Tim nods. “Small fry, that’s not a symptom. That’s normal for someone in your situation.” “No, it isn’t. I should be happy right now. I should—I should be the happiest I’ve ever been. I spent so long trying to make everything right again, and I did it. Conner is back. Bart is back. Bruce is back. Everything is as it should be, yet here I am, still feeling like I’m missing something.” “Like what?” Tim can’t remember the last time he saw Harley sit still and listen for so long without getting fidgety. Either she's learning self-control, or Tim's life is just really fucking depressing. “Like...I don’t know.” Tim scratches his thumbnail against some dried paint, unable to feel the chill of the metal through his glove. “Everyone is back, but that doesn’t erase the fact that they were dead. That part still happened, regardless of whether they came back or not. It’s like—like burning a hole in a piece of paper and covering it with tape. It doesn’t heal anything.” “Well, of course it doesn’t.” Tim looks at her, surprised. Harley’s eyes are serious for once, void of humor. “Having all your folks back doesn’t erase the fact that they were gone. Grief is what makes us human. Still feelin’ bad after everything is fixed just means you’re still working on it.” “That’s it?” Harley’s eyebrows furrow. “What’s it?” “I thought you were going to...I don’t know, crack open some huge revelation and make me realize it’s all in my head or something.” “I mean, it kind of is in your head.” Harley tugs on one pink pigtail. “Grief doesn’t come from your feet, Timantha.” “So...how do I fix it?” Harley shrugs, sitting back and swinging her legs in the air. “Fuck if I know. Go see a therapist or something?” Tim snorts. “I’d rather not.” “What, you got a prior engagement? Too busy for psychoanalysis?” “I can’t exactly go to a normal therapist and explain to them that all of my friends are superheroes and my dad is Batman.” “Hm. Point taken, bird boy.” Harley goes to boop his nose, but Tim swats her away. “Talk to me then. I’m a dandy good listener.” “Thanks, but I’m good.” “I’m serious. Got the license to practice and everything.” “I’m pretty sure psychology licenses expire once you’re imprisoned for terrorism.” “Well, jeez, go and insult me, why don’tcha? And after I offer my help like the good citizen I am.” She stands, picking up her shopping bag. Then she digs around in her pockets and comes out with a small white card. She hands it to Tim. Harley Quinn — hit(wo)man, psychiatrist, bounty hunter, dog walker, mercenary, finder of lost things, life coach. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg,” she says with a wink. “I’m also considering goin’ into doggie makeovers.” “I don’t know,” Tim says. “I won’t go blabbing your information to Croc or no one, cross my heart. I strictly abide by the doctor/patient confidentiality rules.” A pause. “Most of the time.” Then she looks back at the billboard of Lex, looking for the world like a vengeful Mr. Clean god. “I’m sure he won’t tattle.” “I don’t think the Justice League would think very highly of one of their own getting therapy from an ex-supervillain.” “So? Fuck them, they’re a bunch of crusty old people anyway. Come on, think about it, Timberly. I’ll even give you the friends and family discount so long as you bring doughnuts when you visit. Teen angst makes me hungry.” Tim considers it for a moment, then sighs. “I’m free on Thursday afternoons.” Harley grins. “It’s a date, bird boy.”

[thegoodomensdumpster]

ABOUT SHADWELL AND TRACY

OK so. This is probably going to be the meta nobody asked for + the meta that has already existed for 30 years ( I read a bunch of it before the show came out, but I never found one tackling what I’m going to talk about, so chances are it exists but I missed it and now it’ll be impossible to find ). I’ve been wondering, a lot, how exactly the relationship between Tracy and Shadwell was narratively useful. (Especially Shadwell, what is up with Shadwell, really??? Why did he have to be ... the way he is???) Don’t get me wrong : I know perfectly well how nearly everything / everyone in Good Omens mirrors something / someone else. The Four Horsepersons / The Them obviously, a perfect mirror of humanity’s problems (self made be it for Death ) and how to fix them ( with hope, courage, love, and proper education for newest generations who are dealing with passed mistakes… )

And then all the duos echo each other and act as informations about every character . Crowley / Aziraphale Newt / Anathema Tracy / Shadwell So I had the nagging suspicion that Tracy and Shadwell would, perhaps, make more sense to me if I started comparing them to each other and to their counterparts.

After all, that’s how me (and dozens other meta writers) have managed to understand Newt and Anathema.

Newt is reasonable and rationnal, and he is also free and questionning. Anathema has lived a life devoided of surprises, all according to the Great Plan prophecies of a long dead ancestor she can not directly talk to.

Newt and Anathema get together because of the prophecies, but STAY together because they chose to, and Newt is the one to bring that choice to Anathema. Do I need to say which of them echoes Crowley and which of them echoes Aziraphale ? What about Shadwell and Tracy then ?

Welp. Let’s dissect them, shall we ?

Madame Tracy is, arguably, the most formidable character of the lot. OK, I may be a bit bias, I adore the woman. But with good reasons !

Deep down, she’s got one of the – if not the – strongest moral compass of the whole characters cast. She has confidence in her morals and ethics enough to trust a supernatural entity who just invaded her body( after being rightfully offended and scolding him a little ) AND to then go against said entity, an angel of the Lord, when he’s about to do something reprehensible. 

Badass. But on the surface, what is she ? She’s a marginal, a prostitute, a con artist (something that I’m not entirely happy about as I find it morally reprehensible, but it is very likely she pretends to be a medium to be some sort of cheap psychiatrist to people who can’t afford it so… I’ll allow it. But anyway, it is also important that she’s not a parangon of pure unaltered virtue, so this makes sense). She is all the things Shadwell says she is, and in his mouth ( as well as in the eyes of society) they are insults. Worse : she exudes femininity, she is comfortable in her sexuality, she’s a businesswoman, she’s self-sufficent and financially independant (she’s even the one who gives money to Shadwell…). None of this is bad, but most of it is (or, hopefully, was) regarded as bad.

Ok, we got Tracy figured out. Let’s try to understand Shadwell now. Shadwell… Is also a marginal, in a way (he has been to prison, after all, if we include TV Omens canon). But he’s another kind of marginal.

He is not financially independant (again, see : asking money to Tracy, and also, scamming Crowley and Aziraphale for years, which is a way bigger and morally reprehensible con than whatever Tracy is doing with her fake medium act. But tbh, I’m so impressed he scammed not one, but two supernatural entities for funding the same useless organization, I can’t be mad at him. Not for that, I mean.) He isn’t nice, he isn’t polite, he … seems to be everything Tracy isn’t. And, as Tracy is a beacon of light and kindness, it makes sense Shadwell would be a rude blackhole of hatred. But, more than being a lightsucker, Shadwell’s opposition to Tracy makes sense if we shift the way we look at them. Tracy is what society deems morally reprehensible but she isn’t immoral, and more than that, she is very modern. Confident in herself. Taking her fate into her own hands. Turned towards the future.

Meanwhile, Shadwell is entirely turned towards the past, so much so that his traditionnalism is too much by present’s standards, and that is the bit that makes him the most marginal. He wears his sexism and his homophobia as badges of honor, and runs A WITCHFINDER ARMY. A very definitely outdated organization that has for goal : BURNING WITCHES. And gays, too, but mainly witches. This is an activity that was once considered ethical, necessary, ultimately good, but isn’t anymore. Heaven approved of the Witchfinders’ Army on these « morally good » premisses, and Hell approved of it on the cruelty and horror it was actually responsible for. Society has moved on. Shadwell hasn’t. At least in surface . Because, just like Madame Tracy’s activities as a prostitute and self-made woman can raise eyebrows but ultimately don’t define her as a moral person, Shadwell… hnnngh, this is more difficutl to say this about him, but when time comes for him to act on his rotten outdated thrown in our face moral principles, he is actually siding with Tracy. He protects her, he refuses to shoot Adam, he chooses to do what he finds to be morally good, and he and Tracy share the same morals. 

(Also the one time Shadwell thinks he has killed someone he is genuinely shocked, so he is far from being a cold blooded killer. Only when he wants to protect Tracy or prevent Armageddon - and after Aziraphale has shown he isn’t really dead - does he threateningly raise his finger again. ) ((But homophobia and sexism aren’t a good look on him. Or on anyone else, for that matter. It’s not charming. Tracy, why were you charmed ???? WHY ???? ))

And we can only suppose that Tracy, beacon of light that she is, able to see the best even in the scum of the Earth, already knew that Shadwell and her agreed about what was ultimately important. They’ve had, possibly, years of interactions before the plot of GO kicks in, and maybe Shadwell hasn’t been so consistently horrible all this time and showed her a better side ? I hope ??? But, anyway, the thing is : these characters, Tracy and Shadwell, are made to mirror some of the best and worst things coming out of humanity. Tracy being kinda the worst possible carreer and personnal choice for religious bigots, and Shadwell being so deep into bigotry that it made him terrible even by bigots’ standards. Shadwell’s speech would have made him a hero a few centuries ago, now he’s just a lunatic. Tracy would have been burnt at the stake for her life choices. Now she’s… well, not in danger, at the very least, and besides Shadwell, all the GO characters seem to respect her. ( Or fear her, as is the case for Newt. ) ((I’m joking, I think he likes her, but confident people intimidate him.)) So. We’ve got Tracy who has built herself her own moral compass and is confident in the choices she made despite the hostility and difficulties she may have encountered, and Shadwell who lives according to a bunch of bigotted outdated rules he doesn’t actually believe in all that much. HA. Why does that ring a bell, I wonder… For the sake of not letting any ounce of ambiguity floating in the air, I’m going to spell it out :

Shadwell and the Witchfinders’ rules echo Anathema and her prophecies, and Aziraphale and Heaven’s indoctrination. Meanwhile, Tracy echoes Newt and Crowley for their marginality and self-made moral code (ok it’s less obvious for Newt especially if you haven’t read the book but he is the kind to question stuff constantly, to the point he hesitates a lot and has troubles finding his place in the world, but his – tiny - character arc is that he becomes able to question correctly and make decisions and help others make decisions).

The interesting thing is, in a way, Shadwell embodies the worst surface aspect of being a bigot blindly obeying outdated rules, while Tracy is the best possible outcome of a marginal making a life for themself. Newt and Anathema place somewhere in the middle, Anathema being able to let go of the thing that was ruling her life, and Newt is in the process of learning who he is, getting comfortable with that person and finding a place for himself in the world.

As for Crowley and Aziraphale, their long lives has thrown them in morally grey areas for a looong time, but at the end of GO, once freed from Heaven and Hell -but especially Heaven as Aziraphale has the most work to do to also get rid off his endoctrination completely- they are free to join Tracy, Shadwell, Newt and Anathema into finally becoming the most blooming versions of themselves. It is not too late, no matter how dark or how far back they’re coming from.

But !!! I am not entirely done.

The sword. And the gun. Both weapon given - more or less – to humanity by Aziraphale. The flaming sword, given at the very beginning to Adam and Eve hoping they’d use it to protect themselves, and that ends up in the hands of War. The thundergun, not given but required by Aziraphale to be put to use, right as the Armageddon is about to put an end to humanity, and to be used, this time, to kill someone. And, as I mentionned, both Shadwell and Tracy refuse to shoot.

Aziraphale cannot make humanity obey him, now can he ? Because that’s what it is, ultimately. Humanity. And, as always, free will. Because Tracy and Shadwell represent certain extremes and a lot of grey areas of humanity’s morals and diversity of personnalities, they are -almost- perfect ambassadors of humanity as a whole. Good and Evil bear no meaning around them, they refuse to fit neatly into any category, especially when scrutinized through the lenses of different places and eras as ethics shift constantely. Shadwell shows that even garbage trash men can show empathy, Tracy is the most merciful and kind person, which doesn’t prevent her from being surprisingly strong and adamant when needed. Shadwell and Tracy are part of each other’s life, against all odds, and even if it might have been just because they were neighbours at first, they ultimately chose to remain together. All duos chose to stick to their counterpart in the end. All of them represent the many contradictions of humanity, and how love is the ultimate way to live along together. And they use their free will for love. And while I would not, ever, EVER want to interact with a Shadwell IRL, I now see why it was important to make him the way he is depicted. From a narrative point of view, it was important to make him seemingly irreedemable, only for the one character he harrasses the most to trust and love him, because Tracy knows he, actually, isn’t as bad as it may seem. Because people who might seem horrible are not necessarily the ones who are. Because even Shadwell can love and be loved. And because everybody can improve.

Now, I do not know why the sexism and the homophobia had to be the main choices to convey how much of a bigotted idiot Shadwell was (No, I mean, I think I know why: probably because killing witches and gays were the Witchfinders’ Army main goals, but still, it’s tough on modern audiences - whether this should be taken into account by authors is... quite a debate to have, and maybe the main reason it bothers me? idk idk, I’ve already thought too much at this point). Because despite the fact that some of his lines and his excellent actor made him nice to see on screen (or read in the book for that matter), I have a very hard time liking his character. But that might be the point. I don’t know. Only Tracy can love him. But at least now, it makes more sense to me.

[worfs-glorious-hair]

Puzzle Pieces: Interlude-What is a soulmate?(RK-800 Connor x Reader; Deroit: Become Human) Part 4

Greeeeeetings!

I am glad to be back (finally) after a whole year. I am sorry. 

A lot happened and I hope that you are in a safe space. I am sending you a social-distanced and corona-free hug! <3

Also, big shoutout to all the old and new readers and peeps who found their way to this fanfiction in the last year. Reading the notifications of likes and retweets and even asks to be tagged in the next part never failed to make me feel so happy and giggly inside. This chapter was actually posted already a few weeks ago on AO3 but only now I finally got around to update on here as well. So extra-kudos for your extra-patience! :D <3

We’re doing some world-building in this chapter and our boi Connor feels things and is overall confused by the answers he finds. A lot to look forward to for you. :D

And one more thing until I finally let you go to reading, I decided to specify the reader's pronouns and settled with female pronouns. But otherwise than that I still try to write the reader as open as possible that you have more room to find yourself in the story. If you would prefer different pronouns, tho, please message me and we'll figure something out for you. I am there for you and I want to respect your pronouns and want you to have a good reading experience.

Spoilers for the game in the following chapter, btw. 

I think I’ve kept you from the chapter now long enough. Enjoy reading. <3

Message me if you want to be tagged in the next chapter.

Stay safe and please be responsible and wear a mask over nose and mouth. 

All my love, lady-spacy

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 

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Interlude- What is a soulmate?

"Lieutenant", Connor asked, "what is a soulmate? I noticed that the subject of 'soulmates' appears in two out of three conversations and it caused always a measurable change in one's body chemistry. For example, I detected an increased level of serotonin and..."

"Do you stop talking if I answer your question?", a very tired Lieutenant Anderson interrupted Connor's analysis. Hank knew that if he wouldn't be stopped soon, Connor would continue to talk about hormones and blushes and cheesy giggles and all that exhausting stuff that came with the topic of soulmates. The only way to shut that noisy android up was to answer his questions and they would be in the car to Kamski’s estate for another twenty minutes. And twenty minutes could be long next to someone who wants to talk so badly when all you want to do is to drive in peace.

"Of course, Lieutenant."

Hank rolled his eyes and fought the urge to sigh, of fucking course would that shut Connor up. He was predictable after all, very – curious but predictable.

“A soulmate is your, uh, uhm, your lifelong partner. I mean, not your partner, I don’t think Androids have soulmates…”, Hank eyed Connor from the side and wondered what his LED ring on his temple looked like. He had realized that whenever Connor was thinking about something his LED would spin around, sometimes slow, sometimes even faster. Sometimes it would even change the color and would go from blue to yellow.

And now Hank found himself wondering what that Android did to him, that he cared about what Connor thought.

Connor had watched Hank closely and attentive. He wanted to know, he wanted to understand.

“No, Lieutenant, Androids do not have soulmates. But I still don’t understand what a soulmate differs from a good friend? What is it that makes you have the names written on your bodies, who decides on what name, which person, will appear on your body, why are your destinies supposed to be connected by something, apparently without your consent. Did you ever choose to have a soulmate?”

‘Yeah’, Hank thought by himself, ‘good questions.’

“Soulmates are a difficult topic”, he finally spoke out loud. Trying to find words to explain a concept that no one really understood.

”Even scientists didn’t’t found all answers”, continued Hank, “as far as I know, they aren’t even close. We don’t know what bonds us to another human being. Soulmates are said to be ‘tied together from the universe itself’”, Hank drew quotation marks in the air with his right hand that wasn’t on the wheel, “but whatever it is that decided about that, we’re having to deal with that shit now. And for your question, soulmates are supposed to be partners, lovers even, a team that belongs together. People who give each other security and safety. It’s a nice idea but in reality it doesn’t play out. We don’t choose our soulmates and don’t get a say with it. There is no ‘consent’ in that soulmate shit, as you put it in words.”

“Have you found your soulmate, Lieutenant? Was your heart broken and this is why you now doubt the idea of soulmates? I can detect patterns of emotional distress in your voice.”

“Jeez, do you try to be fucking psychiatrist now?”

„No“, came Connor‘s immediate answer.

„I am just trying to understand human nature better.”

“Well, there is a name on my wrist, if that’s what you want to know. But at the end it was only a name. Just because you have a name there doesn’t mean that you will live happily ever after. Life can still happen…”

For Hank this was it, he had already said enough. He glanced over to Connor who still looked at him, Hank, with this never ending gleam of curiosity and analyzing that always surrounded him.

Android? Hank wondered if this was truly the nature of that boy, sure his body was artificial but what about his heart?

‘Androids don’t have hearts’ would have said the Hank from just four days ago and now he just wasn’t sure about that anymore. He had seen so much, he had seen two girls, who were so deeply in love that they were willing to do anything to be together, he had seen Connor deciding not to shoot these girls and let them get away, obviously going against his programming as a hunter.

And then Connor’s answers two nights ago on that playground, Hank had seen trouble in his eyes, he had heard the poorly covered confusion in his voice, which left him confused as well.

Hank started to wonder if they were wrong, what if Androids could be more than the illusion of a human?

“Mr Kamski?“, Hank called, when he and Connor were finally let in to meet Elijah Kamski.

“Just a moment, please”, came the immediate answer from the other side of the room, where the former CEO of Cyberlife was currently swimming in a pool with red tiles that made it look like it was filled with blood instead of water.

While they waited for him to come out of the pool, Connor took the time to look around in the large room with big art pieces on the walls and a glass window that filled the whole outer wall and showed the view towards the frozen Detroit River.

He turned around again when he heard water splashing, signaling a body that was lifted out of it and he saw Kamski climbing up the pool ladder.

Acting on a sudden impulse Connor tried to catch a glimpse of Kamski’s wrist hoping to see his soulmark as the RT-600 Chloe, who had opened the door for them, helped Kamski put on a bath robe but before he came close enough to see, Kamski turned around to the window and fixed his hair.

When he turned back to him and Hank he smirked at Connor, just as he had read his mind, and crossed his hands loosely over is lower abdomen, completely blocking the view to his wrists.

And kept his hands like this for the rest of the conversation.

„I always leave an emergency exit in my programs…“, Kamski looked at Connor with his sly, sparkling eyes, full with endless smugness and the touch of a smirk on the corners of his mouth.

As if this whole exchange has not been confusing and frightening enough for Connor, he had to deal with this mysterious comment now, too. What does that mean? What does he want to say with it?

Connor would like to ask but he would probably just get another riddle as an answer.

“Connor, wait!”

A voice called him back as he was about to head outside.

He stopped and turned around to the original RT-600 model, her eyes burning with an intensity and significance that Connor had never seen before, at least not in an Android’s eyes. He could not look away.

Again, as he locked eyes with the very first Android, who was able to pass the Turing test, he saw more there. For the same reason that he hasn’t been able to shoot not even seven minutes ago, for the same reason did he now stop in his tracks and waited patiently for what she had to say.

She...

That word lingered in his mind for a very long moment.

‘What is happening?’ screamed his mind, unable to cope. His mind was drowning in too many illogical new information and sensations.

This is too much!

‘I can’t look away’, Connor realized as he stared into her burning eyes, his mind being filled with just one thought: ‘Whatever is happening here right now is important! Don’t blink!’

“The truth is beneath your skin”, she said hastily, softly tipping on his right wrist with her index finger, right where the sleeves of his jacket ended.

He followed the movement of her finger with his eyes and stared at his wrist. What could be there, hiding, waiting?

“The truth is there, everything you need to know!” Connor did not know what to say or do, he just kept staring at his wrist, trying to see, to understand, what she could possibly be talking about.

He continued staring at his wrist and her finger until he finally came back to his senses, after too many seconds that are an eternity for Androids.

Blinking away once again the warning for the never ending, wildly spinning software instability that had appeared when that Chloe had stopped him.

Connor practically sprinted outside to Hank and his car.

^^ Software Instability ^^

      R#aN%9I=97&°

Connor took a step back in surprise, Androids could have soulmates!

Ortiz’ Android had a soulmark! Written in blue CyberLife fond stood a name on the Android’s wrist, Melanie.

Maybe the soulmarks came with deviancy, Connor thought, maybe their soulmate was only revealed when they became deviant. Meaning that there had always been someone who was meant to be- waiting, sleeping under the skin. Meaning that deviancy was a lot more than a virus or a software error. Deviancy could be a revelation of life in all of it’s aspects.

But deviancy was just an irregularity in the programming, Connor thought, seeking comfort in programmed truths that he wanted to believe so badly. Truths that did not feel true anymore. But if he didn’t believe in them, he had nothing left to believe in. Connor was lost. Lost between the destroyed bodies of Androids who had only wanted peace, justice or a home.

Connor stood on an edge, every time a software instability appeared he could see the abyss, he did not want to fall!

So he clung onto the only truths he ever knew. Otherwise he would become like them, just another broken machine.

He continued examining the Androids’ bodies and finds from his missions for a clue for Jericho in the evidence room of the Detroit Police Department. While he scanned and analyzed, he tried to find comfort in the tasks that he was created for–the software instabilities that occurred even more regularly now in the past days confused and scared him, Connor couldn’t comprehend what was happening to him- he needed to be uninterrupted if he wanted to find the deviant leader and finally bring back order into this chaos.

Connor craved peace, he craved the monotone calmness of executing programs and tasks, no emotions, no insecurities, no confusion.

But his thoughts came always back to soulmates- how could this be possible?

Deviancy was maybe caused by a computer virus and soulmates were supposed to be a real lifelong connection between two human beings, that were alive and had a soul. Soulmates for Androids just couldn’t work, Androids just don’t have souls!

They are only machines, programmed to think, they have no real mind of their own and yet all of the Androids in the evidence room had their soulmarks on their wrists.

Daniel even had a name written in red by a human’s hand as his soulmark.

A human had been Daniel’s soulmate… But what about his soulmate now, do they search now forever for someone who is not alive anymore?

Alive…

And again, another warning for a software instability appeared in Connor‘s periphery. He blinked it away.

How could this be that he had actually thought of Daniel as ‘once alive’?

He, Connor, the currently on duty RK- 800 model, the android sent by CyberLife to hunt down deviants, who was faster, better and more advanced than any Android before him, who was programmed to follow orders, that were given to him, with precision and no room for doubts, second thoughts or even a mind of his own, he, Connor, had thought about an Android who he had hunted down with that precision, executing his advanced negotiating programs and earning the Android‘s trust in the end, as dead.

Alive means that something can die, not to be destroyed, not to be deactivated, not to be shut down. Life and death are terms to describe flesh and blood, red blood. Not blue blood.

But maybe, Connor thought and the LED on his temple went yellow for yet another time on this day, maybe, just maybe, was there another truth for Androids and for him. Maybe there was life and death and love and emotions, maybe there was a soul.

It was as time had slowed down for a moment as he jumped, no, as he was flying...

He saw snowflakes passing him in slow motion, he was seeing all their details, all their individuality, despite their outer uniformity of one shared build.

It was mesmerizing–and odd.

Odd because he saw their beauty, he did not just made an analysis of their geometrical structures or chemical composition, he saw them glittering and dancing in the lights of the pier.

This was new and wonderful, it was as he would be seeing for the first time, as he had been blindfolded all this time...

The moment passed as Connor hit through the surface of the Detroit River, dulled from the water around him he could hear the explosion of Jericho behind him.

‘I hope everyone made it out’, he thought as he resurfaced.

His head was spinning, not from the explosion or the jump in the freezing cold water, physically he was in perfect condition, but mentally it did feel like he just jumped out of a 20 meter freighter that exploded right behind him. He was feeling– something. Emotions were still so new to him that naming them was difficult for Connor.

He was deviant now! He had broken down the red wall that had kept him in place for so long, he had pushed and pulled against the order to stop Markus until the wall crumbled down, fell around him. Connor had lowered the gun and did the only thing that he could in that moment to show his gratitude. He warned Markus. The FBI would come and attack Jericho. He knew about the plans and in another world, a lifetime ago, did he plan to help the soldiers and to hunt Markus down, to drive him into a corner and to end the uprising, there and now. But now, everything was different. The hunter had become the prey in just a blink of an eye. Everything was different now.

‘What will Markus do now?’ Connor wondered. ‘He knows just as well as I do, who it was, who had led the FBI, the humans, to Jericho. Can he ever trust me? Can I trust myself? I fell, now it happened, the abyss caught me…’

Connor set course for the pier and swam towards a short stone staircase that was normally used to board the smaller boats that landed there.

“Here, let me help you”, an Android, whom Connor did not know, smiled kindly down to him from the pier and offered him a hand, which Connor took after a short moment of doubt, how could that Android be kind to him, he was the deviant hunter after all. The unfamiliar Android held Connor’s hand firmly and quickly helped him out of the water, while Connor climbed up the steps, slick and slippery from the water and several kinds of algae and seaweed.

The Android made a sound of satisfaction and nodded as Connor finally stood next to him, dripping wet and his beanie and hair sticking to his forehead. That he had not lost the beanie surprised him, but it was a pleasant surprise, finding a way through the city under curfew would be much easier with the beanie now that would hide his LED.

“Ah, there we go. How are you?”, the Android asked him and smiled again, warm, kind and honest.

There was no hostility in his eyes, smile or posture, Connor came to the conclusion that he just simply did not know who he was.

And he enjoyed his friendliness, never before had he been treated with such kindness.

“I am good, thank you. I should dry up. Otherwise I am afraid that my servos will freeze and cause severe damage to my system.”

A human would have probably not survived a jump like that and if they would have survived the jump itself, the freezing water would have quickly led to a fatal hypothermia, if they would have not be gotten out of the water very quickly and put out of their wet clothes and into a warm place with new clothes, but Connor was not human and it helped him survive now.

Being able to carefully heat up his inner systems he was able to dry himself up from the inside and to even dry his hair and clothes.

Feeling better now, as he was dried up again and could move all of his joints without any hindrance, he tried to smile at the gentle Android, to show him his gratitude.

He smiled back at him, again, warm, welcoming and sincere.

„I am Malcolm by the way, who are you?“

And for the second time this evening the Android, Malcolm, offered Connor his hand.

Malcolm, radiated such warmth and love, he was more human than many humans were and it was easy to take his outstretched hand and shake it. Connor felt safe with him and his heavy heart got a little lighter from his friendliness.

„It is good to meet you, Malcolm, my name-“, Connor stopped mid-sentence, he was about to use his programmed introduction, just stating his given name and origin in CyberLife but the name they had given him had become his identity he was now more than the Android sent by CyberLife…

With a short nod he decided to be Connor and closed his still open introduction with a, hopefully, friendly look on his face: „I am Connor!“

A human wouldn’t have noticed, but Connor did, how Malcolm’s brows just slightly rose and a look of, was it surprise or even delightment, took over Malcolm’s face for a brief moment until he started smiling ever so slightly again and even seemed to be satisfied.

„Ever heard of soulmates, Connor?“, Malcolm asked with a sly grin tugging on the left corner of his mouth and Connor was confused.

“Hey, would you show me your arm, please?”

Even more confused now Connor looked over to Malcolm who had anticipation written all over his face.

“Why do you want to see my arm?” asked Connor back and Malcolm’s face got soft.

“I have a debt to pay and if you are, who I think you are, you can help me do that. I have a friend, who was always there for me, even long before I became deviant, was I treated with kindness and humanity by her and she also helped me to come to Detroit, so I can stand, march, fight with my people. Without her help, I wouldn’t be here now. When I was lost, scared and afraid did she catch me in her arms. I owe her my life. She never asked for anything in return, she only said that it is what friends do for each other. But I was always very sad, that I would never be able to do for her what she had done for me. But that I’ve met you right now, right here, was a sign that I can make her biggest dream come true.”

“Her biggest dream?”, Connor asked, his wrist tingling.

Malcolm nodded and smiled brightly. “Yes. Because I think that I’ve found her soulmate.”

Malcolm stopped walking and turned to Connor, grabbing him by the shoulders, smiled softly and looked him straight in the eyes.

“Connor, I think you are my friend’s soulmate, who she had prayed for, for her entire life!”

Soulmate…

Something inside of Connor was spinning, soulmate, he had a soulmate?

Of course, of course he had a soulmate, he was deviant now! How could he not? He had seen the prove of the possibility in the evidence room on each of the Androids’ bodies. On their wrists…

Excitement was rushing through him as he quickly pushed up the sleeves of his jacket and shirt and found a name on his right wrist. He stared at the red letters, sweepingly written, all of the bows and every line and dot written by his soulmate’s hand.

His soulmate!

Connor whispered your name, tasting it on his tongue.

Oh, he would never get enough of it!

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Part 5

Tags: @sthorkronstrangy @tropfenlady @plaidamoosette @kazuha159 @clussysposts @peterhollandd

[trilies]

an argument for AO3

So I’m in a conversation with someone who is kind of in the “against AO3″ camp, and they asked me a couple of questions. Namely, who wouldn’t be uncomfortable with pedophilia? Isn’t it sketchy that a beta website is asking for so much money despite reaching its goals?

And my answer became so long... I figured it might as well become its own post. Please bear in mind that this is cut from a whole conversation.

But here it is.

------

No. It doesn't seem sketchy to me at all. Why would it? I know we make jokes about how much money tumblr has cost the various sites which purchase it like Yahoo, but there's some truth there: it's really expensive to host a website to thousands and thousands of people. It's why we see so many tumblr owners trying to shoehorn in ads or make people buy services, or why Photobucket tried to pull that truly atrocious bullshit a year or two back. Without image hosting capabilities (tumblr and photobucket's big thing), the strain isn't as huge.... but AO3 is MASSIVE. It is hosting literally thousands of accounts, millions of stories. That's massive on a server scale alone, ignoring all the other work they do. Yeah, it's in beta... but that's because it's trying to reach a goal of being as good a fanfic archive as they can be, and they don't believe they've reached that goal yet. Being in beta means they can better listen to their uses on shit like tagging systems and make those changes. Not to mention, again, they are INCREDIBLY transparent. If you are worried about where the money is going, you can go on the site and they have all their stuff up there.

As for the pedophilia subject matter.... Please give me a moment. because there's honestly a lot to say on that particular issue, if nothing else. This will take a while, so if you see this and there hasn't been a reply yet.... I'm still typing lmao.

To start with, of course people are uncomfortable about pedophilia. However, there are a lot of problems with how pedophilia is viewed or *used* as an accusation in the current fandom climate.

For example, in honestly EXTREMELY recent times, I was told I was "defending" pedophilia because I disagreed that a character (an immortal food gijinka) was "minor-coded" or "designed as an underage teenager". (As a note, an argument for this view was that the character's breasts were too small.) When I pointed out, hey, that's kind of a fucked up accusation to throw at a complete stranger, especially as I am a CSA survivor, I was told "You have to be lying about that, then, because a real CSA survivor would understand."

c o o l

That's just my personal experience that happened within a couple of months. Other people have talked about running into people who think that a character turning 18 means they're a pedophile for still dating a 17 year old. Or running into people who think a 40 year old dating someone in their 30s is pedophilic. Or believe that even SHIPPING characters who were not yet 18 was pedophilic if you yourself were over 18.

(Of course, you also have the kinds of people who try to use Moral Purity as a way to bash ships they don't like. I once saw someone try to claim that a popular mlm ship, A/B, was pedophilic because one half of the equation looked young.... when some other artists drew him... Of course, on the side, this person liked to also get angry that *their* favorite ship, a dude/chick ship composing of A/C, wasn't more popular. So. You know.)

So that's one half of the problem: the word "pedophile" being so warped that a lot of people now have no idea if the person using it has a genuine concern or if the accuser is trying to smear someone who doesn't ship the same thing. FFnet and Tumblr have gone with the "burn it all down" approach, which hasn't actually helped anyone and is, to boot, sloppily moderated. So we know from history, from experience in cases like mine, that it doesn't help in that area.

The other half of the problem is... How far is too far?

This is where "anti" culture begins to find similarities with the whole Warriors for Innocence thing. If you completely and blindly block an entire tag, or anyone associated with it, you have to ask: who are you hurting? Warriors for Innocence hurt actual rape victim, and queer folk, and a whole lot of others. Far as I can tell, anti culture is on the route to the same thing, because I have yet to see appropriate answers to a lot of issues.

If one says "anything with underage sex in it is bad and should be banned", what about fics that tackle it in a serious manner? The young adult novel "Speak" deals with rape of an underage girl and how she works through that mental trauma; are fics with stories equivalent to that allowed? Do fics with underage sex have to focus purely on how it is Horrible And Bad to be allowed? Does only a chapter have to be allowed? A paragraph? An author's note? A tag? Or are we allowed to never explore dark subject matter?

Is fic with underage content in it only horrible if it's someone over the age of eighteen who writes it? Can a teenager write smut (terribly written as it may likely be) between teenage characters? Can a teenager write smut between a teenage character and an adult character? For the record, i did in fact, over the summer, run into someone who said that teens/minors "shouldn't even know about NSFW", which is asinine to me, because Abstinence Only is a terrible thing to put in schools, and somehow worse in a way when you try to put that into effect in fandom. If the answer is 'yes', what are you going to do, demand to see people's birth certificates in fandom?

(As a note, I think this is a terrible message to put into fandom for teenagers because I believe it will inevitably lead to self hatred and a warped view of sex. If you make the extremely simplified black-and-white statement of "teens and sex should never go together ever in any way", that's going to mess up teens who are starting to experience arousal in their bodies. The message, whether intended or not, ends up as "NSFW things are bad, which means my brain which thought NSFW thoughts is bad, and my brain thought those thoughts because my body had these feelings". )

(This is bad for any average teenager. This will be especially worse to CSA and rape victims, along with queer youth who, in a lot of places, are still struggling with their bodies and/or feelings because the world is still pretty damn queerphobic.)

Speaking of CSA and rape victims, what about those of them who write/read underage ships or dark content as a way to cope with what happened or Just Because? That's a thing lots of us do, especially those of us who don't look like the Perfect Victims people can use as an excuse for whatever crusade they're waging. I've heard anti types go "Well, it's an unhealthy way to cope" or claims that CSA/rape victims who write such dark content are "just as bad as their abusers"... But are they psychiatrists/therapists? Are they the psychiatrists/therapists of *those specific people*? Will you moderate this kind of content by forcefully interrogating CSA/rape victims to out their trauma to a complete stranger? Will you demand to speak to their therapists? Over fanfic?

When I was a teenager, I wrote all sorts of stuff. I wrote dark dub-con fic, because I liked to explore those dark feelings in the process and the aftermath separate from myself. I wrote a fic with a fairly young teenage girl (what age was kh2 kairi? who even knows, I sure didn't) falling for a MUCH older man built like a brick shit house so that there was never any doubt to him being an adult, even giving him her first kiss, because they were my favorite characters, I wanted both of them to have a moment of happiness (that i promptly ruined but hey), and, *in this fic*, I knew it would be alright. I knew the girl would always be in control, she'd be the one making moves, that the guy was nonthreatening and kind and protect her and work alongside her.

(and then I began the process of killing him off in the next paragraph through him saving her life, but, like. Drama (tm), baby)

This was all good for me. At an age where I was young, vulnerable, and figuring out weird shit like arousal and romantic feelings, it was *invaluable* to have a space where I could explore all of that while relatively safe from actual danger, even if the stuff I wanted to explore was a little messed up. This whole thing against AO3 wouldn't have helped me, and I'm pretty sure it's not helping a lot of other people too.

There is an issue with underage people and sex stuff- not just in fandom but in culture at large. We have Hollywood dressing up young girl actresses in super slinky or revealing clothes. We have schools saying girls basically should never wear shorts, and capitalism fucking this up further by only selling SUPER SHORT shorters. We have media of all sorts giving us adults, whether in real actors or character design, in the roles of young people. (See: "how do you do, fellow kids") We should probably take more care about fandom spaces, so that people of all ages don't feel pressured to engage in sexual shit they're not 100% game for or into, or just have it shoved into their faces without consent. It's a complex issue... and it's not stuff that can just be 'banned' and have that fix it.

AO3 has on its plate a very complex problem that will, if we're all honest, never have a perfect answer. It has given us the best that can possibly be asked for. It obeys the law by not having actual child pornography on it (aka visual proof of actual real children, defined by us law as such), which is closest to "objective" we can get at the current stage in humanity and state of fandom. It has a very comprehensive and moderated tag system, so that people can post warnings along their fic so that people don't stumble onto shit they don't need to, and so that people can moderate their own reading experience to some degree.

If some people aren't comfortable with AO3, that's fine. However, most of us are getting annoyed not with those people, but with the people who just blindly say "AO3 supports child porn and is probably stealing money" (statement simplified for the purpose of this post). It shows an ignorance of the fandom history that lead us here, no understanding in either AO3's practices or how expensive it is to run a site, and no consideration for how complex this problem can really be. It would be great if this was a black and white issue, if there was an easy answer as just "banning" certain kinds of content... but there isn't. And that's where I am.

[flowerslightning]

The OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) in FF7

This thing actually caught my eyes while reading a few theory about FF7R and the word OCD appear in their certain analysis, in IG, youtube comments and some posts in tumblr too. Dunno why but they always relate Biggs with OCD. I looked back to the scenes where Biggs appear and... Okay, i understand why they thinj Biggs has OCD or perfectionist

A lot of people, including the psych students themselves easily confused with OCD and perfectionist (I got confused by it quite often too). Now, is Biggs OCD or is he just a perfectionist? Let's take a deeper look at it

Biggs is not a famous character. So fans dont really care about him, but I do

Disclaimer : i'm not a psychologist. Im an intern and still studying. Psychiatric is not my major field but i got assigned there as an intern for quite a time and we got exposed a lot about psychology too. We didnt learn them professionally like the real psyche students, we learned (and still under training) through real life experience + a little bit from the books.

So there might be wrong interpretation here and there. Pls correct me if I'm misleading u. And pardon my english. Pls dont use any of these terms to diagnose urself. Remember, I'm a student, not a professional.

I kins of blame the social media for portraying OCD in such a nasty way, when someone with OCD is actually suffering inside.

OCD is not just about 'clean clean, must clean this place till squeaky clean' and OCD is not about being perfectionist. OCD and perfectionist are two different thing.

Perfectionist is more to a demand demeanour, eg "I want the cake to be like this. I want it to be pink. No, not that pink, it must be neon pink with slight purple. Do it again. No, i dont want that pink. Do it again. Ahhh yess, nice pink." Someone with perfectionist, after they got their result, they will immediately bcome calm and satisfied. Perfectionist is obviously different from OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder). OCPD falls under Personality Disorder and it is different from OCD. Im not going to talk about that

Credit goes to crazyheadcomics.

Look at how OCD got spoken from the media perspective. It is very much resemble to Biggs, dont u think? In reality, someone with OCD always feel stress about everything around them, and they will find it hard to complete their task.

OCD has two components - Obsessive and Compulsive

| 1. Obsessive. It is a repeating thoughts about something and often occur until it makes someone feel stress about it. Eg, u think that ur hand will get bacteria infection if u touch a chair, door, fridge or when holding someone's hand. This thought always appear in ur mind everytime u touch the door, chair, fridge or somebody's hand, but when u touch ur shoes, u never think about the bacteria (in certain cases, some patients become scare of everything they touch)

| 2. Compulsive. It is a repeating of the same actions to fulfill the 'obsession' in order to reduce the stress acted upon them. Usually the 'action' has a specific ways in which the patient believe he has to do it like this or that way or else he will fail. Eg, after touching the chair, he will immediately wash his hand 10x from left to right. He believes the hand washing wont be effective if he starts from right to left

Another sign of OCD is when someone re-checking the door lock few times. Its normal for us to re-check once/twice the door lock for confirmation, but for people with OCD, they will re-check the door lock for about 6-10 times and still not feel satisfied and later they stress out. And also the OCD people, they tend to get annoyed when something is not in particular order and they will immediately fix it eventhough they know they're wrong.

I met a funny woman at the hosp arranging our students' books according to its thickness, when I asked her why did she arranged our books like that,

She replied : "Doctor said I have CDO"

Me : "Sorry, CDO? Never heard of it"

She : "It is actually OCD but I feel so stress hearing that term so I put it in alphabetical order. CDO, much better"

We both had a good laugh. Her case was not serious though, but she was feeling miserable with her thoughts and decided to meet a psychiatrist. I would say she was still in early stage for someone with OCD, but may lead to severe if left untreated

It is really hard to satisfy and convince someone with OCD and they always feel stress about something they shouldnt care too much about. U can say OCD is a fastidious type, and they're actually more than that

If we want to relate this condition with Bigg's case., urmm. The only time where I can spot him being different than the other characters is when he's busy sweeping his front house and when he pat Cloud's head during the Sector 7 plate fall.

The cleaning stuff isnt exactly weird thing for a human to do. But it is something odd, I mean, he just finished his mission with Jessie and survived a jump from the plate, and yet he still have the energy to sweep dry leaves, AT NIGHT! He can wait till tomorrow though and should get himself a proper rest.

Wedge says Biggs has a habit of overthinking stuff

And there we see Biggs sweeping the dry leaves. It might be because he is trying to distract himself from doing his bad habit - overthinking. But urm , i think there'll be higher chance for someone to overthink when doing house chore like Biggs is doing. This is where lots of people say Biggs cleaning the house at night is bcause he has OCD or he's a perfectionist.

But I dont think thats the case. For real, he is completely normal. No sign of him acting weird in that scene. If he really does have OCD or he's a perfectionist, we'll see more of him arguing with Barret about unnecessary stuff. He cant become one of Avalanche's strongest member (not exactly strong, but hey, he's trustworthy). Also, if u notice, Biggs have one earring on his right ear. Someone with OCD will feel irritated by it bcause his ear doesnt look 'balance'. OCD people, even in mild case, they want everything about them to be balance and in good order.

After trying to understand Biggs way of thinking and style through his short screentime, I strongly believe this guy has no such thing as OCD or being a perfectionist. Biggs just cares tooooo much about his friends, he thinks 10 times ahead from the bigger picture in which it frightens him about the bad consequences that will occur to people he cherish.

He is the type that always have a back up plan in his mind. He thinks of 5 possible bad things and comes out with 10 solutions. That's the power of an overthinker like Biggs I'll tell ya

Biggs probably cleaning his front house area at night bcause the next early morning, he will need to leave his house for the bombing mission. Better take care of things the night before the big day. He can ditch the cleaning work but he wont do it, not bcause he's a perfectionist/OCD, but try to imagine this, if ur front house is full with dry leaves and rubbish, it will be unpleasant for the neighbours next to ur house to see. Living in the slum means higher chance for u to get sick if u dont take care of ur surrounding hygiene. Biggs is a kind man, and I believe he doesnt want to upset his neighbours

He probably has overthink this matter like "If i dont do this now, I probably dont have time for doing it tomorrow. Maybe I'll broke my leg from the mission and this trash will be left untouched, then there'll be high chance for the children around here to get sick. What if they get infectious disease bcause of this dry leaves? And then the parents will be worried and the Sector 7 Slum will be in chaos etc etc. Time for plan A. Let's clean this place"

Besides, remember the post where I mentioned about Mental Health First Aid? Biggs, as the side character gives the best MFA to Cloud even without knowing what Cloud had gone through. Biggs is just toooo kind with his friends, he cares too much causing him to overthinks about his friends conditions. He can notice even the slightest change in his friend's behaviour and with his own instinct, he cheers for them

Aww man, how can u not love his personality? He's the sweetest side character ever (and kinda hot too).

Soo as the conclusion for my post here, Biggs does not have OCD. He's a side character with a big heart who cares tooooooo deeply about his friends that leads him to overthink too much.

However, if the devs say Biggs really has OCD then my statement about him will be invalid. I'm sure they have put everything in a very close detail look.

Btw, I personally think Biggs kind of portrays the other small side of Cloud, the overthinking part for their romantic partner. But Biggs express his worry through words while Cloud express it through his actions, eg - like how he always keep an eye on Tifa. He never speak it directly like "I'm worry about Tifa, I must help her", he just simply be with her either she needs a help or not. While Biggs clearly says "Jessie been acting weird, I should go if she needs any - help -"

Action speaks louder than words but sometimes our eyes failed to listen.

Alright, that's it. Thanks for being with me till the end.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

[kim-stories]

1.1. File Asgore

No ones POV

It's a brand new year now and Livie was had more free time then she was used to having. Although she didnt mind having it, it's just feels weird for her as for eveyone else, well they just seemed to be having a peacefull life. So Livie thought that since this is a new year she would change her own dayley routine to keep herself busy if she is not working, though she never really has a dull moment if someone visits her as she loves helping others. But she could have never predicted what was in store for her next.

It was another early morning for Livie as she just woken up by a nightmare, even though it was a very short nightmare it still left her wondering why after all these years this particular nightmare came back to haunt her. She gotten dressed and gotten a coffee as she didnt see the point to continiue sleeping while she could use the time she's awake to do something else. By the time she gotten herself a coffee was when her doorbell rang 'this better not be glenn again' she thought to herself as Glenn was pretty well known to show up at her doorstep to fix a problem he had caused. But when she opend the door, she was greeted by Asgore out off all living beeings. This was odd even for him,because when he lived inside her mansion he would wake up hours later then she would. "eum goodmorning asgore, is there a particular reason you came to my house?" she ask while trying her best to sound inviting when she infact was a little puzzled by his presence "why goodmorning livie, i just eum wanted to come and visit" Asgore sais but his posture and face told a whole different story "you dont say...come in, come in" she then replies letting him go inside. Now she has never done a session with her own kind before and she knew this would be a great experience for her "do you want something to drink? something cold or warm?" Asgore kept smilling as he follows her to her livingroom where she honestly did all her sessions with her customers, since it's the only place they woud feel comfortable at. "warm please" Asgore sais before he sat down onto the couch "do you want tea or coffee?" she asks once again "tea will be fine" he sais while Livie nodded and left to prepare some tea for him. While Asgore sat there alone for only a few moments he started to think about very bad thoughts before Livie returned and snapped him out of it "here is your tea asgore" he smiled and gently took the cup in his hands "why thank you dear" and there it was again, the fake smile and happyness. Livie knew these symptomes all too well, they hide something that troubles him deeply and she knew he has to talk about it before it eats him up on the inside. So she sat down on the single couch infront of him as she uses her magic to levitate her pen and clipboard "as much as i love to have you over at my house, we both know that this isnt the reall reason you came over" she sais as Asgore sighs "was it that obvious?" "well to an untrained eye perhaps, but i have done this line of work for years now and know when to spot sertain hints" she sais proudly as Asgore chuckles softly. "remember asgore that everything you tell me inside this room will not leave this room, this will stay between you and me" she sais to make him drop his guard a little around her "i-i see, i have never done this before nor were there any psychiatrists in the underground" he replied, the fact that he remembered made her so happy on the inside "well you dont have to worry about how it works, you'll find out soon enough or atleest how i do it. but i want to know what ails such a great leader such as yourself this early in the morning?" she asks while Asgore sighed deeply while looking at the tea. "that is the problem, for many years i have ruled monster and i have taken some questionable actions" he explains as Livie listens to him while using her magic to write this all down "well you did take these actions with the mindset it would improve monster kinds future right?" Asgore looks up at her "well ofcours but because of me some of them took drastic mesures and-" "i need to stop you right there" she cuts him off before proceeding to say "you might have taken a sertain action but those who took drastic mesures is not your fault" "but-" "i know you were their ruler but even you have to know that those who take actions that might be drastic or even wrong in some eyes, are not your fault. you know it and yet you still blame this on yourself, you need to let go of that mindset in order to move on. but i dont think that's the only issue is it now?" Livie sais as this suprised Asgore, it was something he never expected to hear nor did he know he needed it but still his hands tremble as she finishes her sentence "i...i killed thos humans without showing them any mercy..." Livie sighs and looks him straight in the eyes "i cant say that it was a good action you took, but you did this in order to free everyone and yess it's a bad thing. but i think if you erected a statue or even just put their graves in the graveyard here in this town, that even they would forgive you" Asgore started to cry as Livie smiles kindly at him "and dont forget, it's because of your leadership that monster kind didnt go insane from beeing underground for so long". Asgore kept crying while thanking Livie, she sighs happily as she gave him a tissue box "there there asgore, it's all fine now. also i heard from frisk that you are struggeling to find a job correct?" he nods "i also heard that you tried several flower plantations or flower shops but they didnt like the advice you gave them correct?" he nods once again as she thinks for a bit "you know, old pete has a flower and flower farm in one, plus he is seeking for someone to take care of it since he wants to go in retirement soooooo" Asgore blows his nose as he then sais "well i-i would love to take over his job but are you sure he will accept me?" Livie giggles softly "oh trust me, he will gladly have you, besides you two are more alike when it comes to flowers" this confuses Asgore as he asks "how so?" "you'll see" she sais before she snaps her fingers to teleport the clipboard and pen to her office before taking out her phone "now pete is an early bird, even in is old age so he's probably already awake, taking care of his precious plants".

~A call and walk later~

Livie and Asgore were inside the flower shop as she had already explained everything to old Pete "so yer saying that this big fella can take care of my flowers?" "yess indeed he can and he's as passionate about it as you pete" Livie replied as old Pete looks at Asgore "what's yer name sun?" "o-oh eum my name is asgore sir" Asgore replied "aw shucks no need to call me sir, ya can call me pete. now normally i would've taken care of my plants already but my back is actin' up again." he sais as Asgore perks up "well if you allow me, i can take care of them" "why that would be mighty kind of ya big fella" Pete replied as they made their way to the back as it was connected to the flower farm "you can call me asgore, pete" Asgore replied before he went to work. Pete and Livie watched from a distance as Pete was already pleased to see how Asgore worked at his own pace but a very efficient one at that. "your back was never acting up was it" Livie states as old Pete chuckles "absolutely not, but i atleest i got'ta see the lad go to work" "and what do you think so far?" livie replied "yer right, he is ta one to take over my bussiness. why i havent seen anyone work this passionate with flowers in years" Pete sais as he chuckles even more afterwards. It was safe to say that Pete handed over his keys and bussines to Asgore as he proven himself worthy of beeing a good caretaker to his plants. Pete's familly however were against it but old Pete was a stubborn one and knew that his kids or grandkids never cared for him or his bussines, all they ever cared about was money. But old Pete was a clever man and made sure his familly knew where they stood in terms of who it was that gave them a luxurious life. But he kept Livie as a back-up solution if they ever tried something and they knew very well not to mess around with her, expecially since she's their only spychiatrist that has sessions with them for a low price. But things worked out fine and Pete's familly even forgot about it after a short period of time. Livie was happy that she could give Asgore a new life, one where he can heal over time and even share with those close to him.

[normal-thoughts-official]

That thing about assumptions on whose more openly affectionate of malec being opposite is so true lol! Like you expect Magnus to be the teasing in public/PDA type but Alecs the one who grabs his ass and kisses him on the cheek and wraps an arm around his waist or shoulders, the one who initiates hand holding and kisses in public, the one who whispers dirty things in his ear?? And magnus adores every minute he just doesnt trust himself to initiate in case it's Too Much or hes being "clingy" :'[

ABSOLUTELY and i think it’s mostly because people don’t realize that magnus and alec’s outer appearance, demeanor-wise, is not only fake, but effectively a defense/coping mechanism

i mean i’ve already talked a lot about magnus many times and it’s been basically canonically established that magnus’ devil-may-care, playboy, detached attitude is the result of him trying to close himself off after too many experiences with abuse

and closing yourself off doesn’t just mean not allowing himself to feel, it also means not letting anyone get too close to you. but magnus can’t really do the “completely isolating yourself in a tower” thing, like Raphael does, because he craves contact and touch and attention and being alone with his thoughts is one of the worst things he can do to himself. 

also, he’s too much of a softie, he’s still there, trying to represent warlocks politically, taking people under his wing. there’s just too much he needs to do, wants to do, so isolating himself physically won’t work. ergo, he needs a facade. a ruse. something between his feelings and others, something to keep him safely isolated and away from people who will- could hurt him and this way he also helps them too, because who needs to have such a broken, despicable, whiny murderer of a friend who brings nothing but emotional baggage to the table?

so he builds this uncaring, detached, but fun persona; someone whose company you can enjoy a lot, who will take you on adventures, who can do a lot of stuff for you, but who’s not deserving FITTING for a deeper relationship, even if just friendship-wise. he’s shallow, he only cares about the Exorbitant Amounts Of Money™ that he’ll get from his “favors” (which is hysterical because I don’t think I’ve seen him being paid a single fucking time in the entire show, not even when fucking lilith showed up at his house claiming to be some warlock he’s never met and asked for a potion, he literally gave it to her for free because she mentioned ragnor. he’s too kind for his own good, honestly. and god the amount of unpaid work he did for these goddamn shadowhunters. unbelievable. he deserved so much better. but anyway, i digress), he’s impulsive and stubborn and listens to no one, he’s all about partying and fashion and sex. so how could he possibly be like in a relationship, if not the teasing one who’s all over the other, showing them off to people, grabbing their ass, gushing over them or whatever. the most surprising part, honestly, would be to see magnus getting in a relationship at all, considering what an unfixable lothario he is and his general disdain for complicated matters - at least in most people’s eyes

as for Alec, well, for many, he’s probably the picture of the Perfect Shadowhunter. clear mind, cool head, cold heart. a soldier so perfect he’s almost a machine, and has never learnt empathy, much less love

it’s obvious that none of this is true, once you take a look. he’s clearly suffering and in a constant battle with himself, not only who he is and who he’s attracted to, but also what he actually believes in - and look, i’m not saying he’s perfect or some kind of woke white savior or anything, cuz he did and said some shitty stuff both in s1 and after it. but he’s also the one who told magnus “take what you need” when magnus needed his strength, and the one who refused to let magnus use his magic to clean the loft when he could do it himself and allow him to rest. and that says a lot. when everyone else, including clary, who supposedly wasn’t even raised in racist shadowhunter culture, treated magnus like a tool, the means to an end, alec remembered magnus’ humanity

so, upon closer inspection, most people would think that he’s just Repressed™. sure, there’s a lot going on in there, that man is conflicted af, and it’s actually a pity. were he raised in another culture, one that wasn’t so set on stripping you of your humanity, he could’ve been a great man. he could have been happy, too. goes to show you how cruel shadowhunters are, even to their own kind. 

so for those people, alec is almost a pity case. he’s stuck in his oppression, helpless, confined. shadowhunter values have been drilled into him so deep that he can’t face his feelings anymore. he lies to himself and smothers any semblance of a “rebellious” thought before it even comes to mind. he’s all but brainwashed, basically

but that’s not exactly true, either

and look, don’t get me wrong, because of course i know that alec struggled like crazy to come to terms with his identity and his attraction. but alec is not brainwashed. if anything, he’s shockingly self-aware 

when he’s in shock after he finds out about his parents and the arranged marriage, he says, “i’ve done everything that they’ve asked, i’ve dedicated all of me to the clave”. he knows exactly what he was sacrificing for them, he knows that there’s a line between what he believes in and what he does because it’s what’s he supposed to, and he knows where it is, too. when he goes on his first date with magnus, he says “i always knew i couldn’t get what i wanted, until you came along”. knew, not thought. it’s not that alec never considered it, always thought it was out of his realm of possibility, couldn’t face the idea; it’s that he thought it over, came to the conclusion that it couldn’t happen, and resigned himself to it. in alec’s eyes, he was making a choice

now, don’t misquote me, because obviously it’s not really a choice when you’re between losing everything you’ve ever had, including your family, or being who you are. i’m not saying that alec chose to be in the closet, i’m saying that he saw it that way. that he was perfectly aware of who he was, and what he wanted, and what he thought, but he knew he couldn’t act on it. there’s a fundamental difference between the way alec acts, and lying or hiding from yourself

so alec is not repressed in the freudian sense of the word, where his desires are all subconscious and whatnot, but in the sense that he won’t act on them

i think alec was never quite good at lying to himself (or anyone, really, but specially not himself. he’s painfully logical and introspective, and he over analyzes everything, including himself. i’m also like this and believe me when i say that it’s almost impossible for me to lie to myself, even when i want to. my therapist and psychiatrist both think it’s appalling lol. lying to yourself is a survivorship skill that i think neither alec nor i ever had)

and then we have the third group of people, the people who realize that, who know that alec knows and actively and consciously represses his desires anyway, but who think that alec is too powerless, too weak, to break out of it. basically another pity case, the poor lightwood boy, so hurt and powerless to do anything about it. 

all of these people are wrong

alec is not weak, he’s- incredibly strong, really. like the shit he did when he came out, that was incredible. and before that, just heading out of the institute to go to magnus’ and help him heal luke when that went straight against clave’s orders? holy shit. straight up ignoring his mom’s calls? id literally die of anxiety before ever being able to do that. and after s1 too, he continuously chose magnus, continuously faced all sorts of enemies, he threatened maryse, who was always the monster under his bed, without batting an eye

alec’s always been strong, and brave, and self-aware. and that’s why his relationship with magnus was way less about figuring out what he wanted or learning how to express his feelings and desires, and way more about allowing himself to do exactly what he wanted. most people would think that alec would need time to adjust to being in a relationship, to being happy, to not looking over his shoulder after every touch or word. that alec would need help to figure out what he was into, what he liked, how to do things, how to feel and to love. but he didn’t, because alec knows himself way too well. once he decided that he could get what he wanted, he just did it and never looked back 

(because he knows how strong he is, too, and there’s an advantage in being trained to be a soldier and diplomat - he’s very aware of his own strengths and how to use them) 

so yeah, there is the reason everyone is wrong and shocked: people assumed that magnus knew what he wanted and was comfortable in his own skin, while alec didn’t. but it’s actually the other way around

if you look at their relationship, the “insecure one” (obviously there’s no such thing as “the insecure one”, everyone has their insecurities, but you know what i mean) was magnus. alec was ready for sex before him, and it seemed that it never occured to alec that he could have fears surrounding that. magnus was the one who was always worried that something would be the Last Straw, make alec leave him. magnus was hesitant to make big gestures of love or just be sappy and romantic, and alec was like “we’ve been dating for 3 months, i think it’s appropriate to propose to magnus”. magnus was scared and insecure, and alec gave zero (0) shits

(not with everything, obviously. i’m not trying to say magnus was the helpless uwu one who needed fixing. just that when it comes to their relationship, magnus was more hesitant than alec was)

because magnus was the one who had been repressing what he wanted. he was the one who couldn’t face the idea of falling in love, of allowing himself to be vulnerable, of being with someone else. after camille, after all the hurt and abuse, he wasn’t ready, and he needed time not only to allow himself to feel, but also to figure out how he feels - to get rid of this deep conviction that he’s worthless, that he should accept crumbs and not look back because it’s the best he’ll ever had. i’ve said that before, but that scene in s2 when magnus gets mad at alec for being a rude bitch, that’s so significant. the magnus from a few years before wouldn’t have said anything, would have just let alec treat him and make excuses for him. “oh he’s new to this,” “oh he was stressed,” “well there’s his brother”, “i was being annoying,” “it’s not his fault”. because that’s what you do when you’ve been through abuse. magnus got into their relationship unwilling to accept being only given crumbs, and unwilling to be anyone’s punchbag. not that alec would do him like that, but it’s important that magnus wouldn’t let him. especially because alec is kind of a dumb bitch who believes people when they say “it’s ok” way too often, so he might not have realized he was hurting magnus, had they met when magnus was in a different headspace

anyway, what i was talking about before i went on yet another big tangent about magnus and his abuse recovery? ah yes, repression

basically what i’m trying to say is: while both magnus and alec struggled with coming to terms with who they are, who they love, and loving and respecting themselves, by the time they got together magnus was the one who needed to be eased into things. he needed time and space to relearn how to be in a relationship, and to be happy in it. while alec needed to jump headfirst into what he wanted and not look back

and look, not to be a disgusting malec stan, but that’s one of the many reasons why they are literal soulmates work so well together. because magnus has been needing someone who loves him so deeply and expresses it so fearlessly, because he’s unused to it, because he’s way too insecure and convinced that he won’t get or doesn’t deserve it. and alec also needs to be able to express his love with abandon, he needs to be affectionate, to tell magnus that he’s beautiful and that every day they’re together is a dream and to give him gifts and to take him to the lock thing and make a romantic dinner with ten dozen red roses because for so long he didn’t allow himself. obviously they both love and are loved, and they both love each other equally and fiercely, and magnus also always expresses it, it’s not a one-way thing. but to alec, being able to express his love and affection for magnus is a wonder, it’s something that he’s still in awe of, realizing that he gets to have this, to be in love and let the whole world see. to say exactly what he feels. i think that’s one of the reasons why alec never beats around the bush, just goes straight into “it’s moments like this, when i’m staring into the eyes of the man that i love,” and his constant Wedding Vowing, because he’s basically bursting with everything he feels, and just how much, and he fucking wants to express it god damn. why the fuck would he be chill? HE GETS TO HAVE THIS, after denying himself for so long

and magnus, well. magnus really needs it. really needs to be convinced that he’s lovable, and that he deserves not only to be loved but to be loved in a fulfilling, caring way. to be happy in a relationship, not just part of it. that he doesn’t have to constantly sacrifice himself for others

and that’s just one of the many ways in which they suit each other so perfectly. because what they need to say is what the other needs to hear, and what they have is so strong it can calm the storm that’s been inside of them for so long. they have the kind of love where they’re sad together, happy together, silly together, angry together, where they get to be competitive dorks and say dumb shit, and also to have slow and calm mornings, and also to feel juts as intensely as they desire. they have it all they are soulmates they have a one in a million kind of connection they are so perfect for each other and in this essay i will