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haliteatiger · 5 months

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Happy Werewolf Wednesday, ya'll! We're serving up a big pot of tea tonight so get those cups ready!

Special thanks to Blackbackedjackal and King for their help in putting this together, editing, and especially to Jackal for being so supportive and encouraging. I'm very much not normally the type to do call-out posts, but people need to be aware of Dogblud, as she has hurt, not only myself, but quite a few others as well, and seems to have somehow gotten away with behaving like this for 20-odd years. I'm of the mind she shouldn't be allowed to do so any more, hence this post.

TL;DR - Beware of Dogblud, aka Ashryn, aka DogofBlud, aka ThatDogMagic. Very, very long post under the cut.

With everything happening with DogBlud and Blackbackedjackal's studio, I felt emboldened to come forward with my own experiences with her. This is something I've been carrying around since it happened roughly 2 years ago. It was one of the main reasons that put me off drawing werewolves, my own characters, or engaging any more in the fandom. I've hinted at it a few times but I've never had the energy to come forward and deal with the fall out. I wanted to move on with the rest of my life because IRL was more important than online drama. And I knew her behavior would come back to bite her sooner or later, regardless of what I did.

It's been very validating to see that I was right.

It was around the time that Blud and I became friends that I was feeling a bit burnt out on werewolves. I'd been trying to pull together my own werewolf-related project for something close to 12 years. The past 4 years had also been pretty draining on me creatively and socially, as it had for a lot of artists with regards to the pandemic. I also had some IRL things I was dealing with: mainly with my marriage and transitioning between medications to manage my anxiety + bipolar.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight to screenshot everything at the time. I do have logs from back when we roleplayed together. There are several conversations in them but because they were saved as text documents, they're pretty dubious in terms of solid evidence.

It would have been better if I had taken screenshots as it was happening, rather than just saving the logs. With what I *do* have, however, I feel as though it may be enough to make the point that I'm trying to make, and to exhibit how horrible things got.

I'll provide some context.

I had talked with Blud on and off over the years, and we had always gotten along. We had a lot in common and after we had started talking more, our friendship eventually grew into a collaborative project. We were going to combine our stories and write a comic based on it. We had a lot of discussions on how Blud was reticent to do this in the beginning and how she wanted a contract to be made up so that in the event that something *did* happen, we could both walk away feeling like it was handled fairly.

Honestly, I should have listened to the first alarm that went off in my brain, when, in an act of ominous foreboding she said something along the lines of don't be so sure, it could happen. It was in response to me being like "we're getting along so well and share so much of a bond right now. I can't fathom that being a problem!"

The contract never materialized. It was something we had decided to do *after* we had put together something of a prototype project to see how well we worked together. It made complete sense to me at the time as we were both eager to focus on the fun parts of writing and drawing together.

It was decided that I would be the lead artist (doing coloring and final lines) while Blud would do everything else (which was inking, layouts, and the majority of the writing). The both of us felt that she had more experience in those areas. I also believed that she had a better knack for it as well. I had felt that she had a better understanding of story structure than myself. And I thought that Blud had felt the same way about my art. That I had the experience to take point on that.

Since I had collaborated with other artists and writers before, I attempted to approach the project with the same sort of professionalism I always do. Especially the projects that I genuinely thought stood a chance of being published in the future. We had started out trying to get a feel for each other's flows and rhythms. I had expected Blud to try and meet me in the middle of where our processes would potentially differ from one another, so that we could develop a fairly smooth workflow.

I had also expected, according to our discussions on the matter, that we would value each other's opinions on things and take them into consideration. We had such good synchronicity already.

In the beginning, there wasn't any unusual behavior that caught my attention. Blud was a bit uncomfortable with trying out new things but I did my best to accommodate her so that our project could move forward without too much turbulence. She had also mentioned to me before that she was autistic, and since my husband is also autistic, I knew how difficult it could be when it came to adapting to new routines. But when it was time for her to deliver the first set of layouts, it wasn't at all what I expected.

What I had expected was something with margins, clearly marked boxes, and figures that I could do rough lines over. I also expected notes that confirmed what we had discussed earlier about the project; that way I knew what she wanted or if there would be any changes. She took offense to this, feeling like I was violating our agreement. Though Blud did try to give me space with regards to the actual art, and while she would offer criticisms here and there, I trusted her opinion as an artist and as a friend. But apparently that didn't go both ways. In fact, Blud seemed to be offended that I expected more from her.

Blud agreed to concede. She suddenly seemed fine with the changes that I had asked for after seeing the layouts. I guess she was feeling overstimulated by the change and I might have been applying too much of a critical tone to her responses to begin with. I have had to deal with rejection sensitivity throughout my life and it's certainly prompted me to approach what people say to me online with a bit of scrutiny (sometimes too much).

And while I was mildly annoyed, although admittedly I was more concerned with Blud's overall reaction to my asking for clarification about several things in the layouts, I let it go. But it seemed like there was a problem. The majority of my ideas were either rejected or outright overridden with Blud convincing me that my faulty memory had made me unable to remember what we had agreed upon. Or that I might have been misremembering in my own favor.

There was one time where we were discussing a monster's design. Blud had already decided to settle on one design that she had come up with, even as I continued to offer other suggestions. The story was to take place in my setting, so I was under the impression that I got to decide what kind of creatures should populate it. The conversation ended somewhat ambiguously. I had assumed that we'd come to a solid conclusion later.

I came back the next day and it turned out that we were using her design because that was what we had decided on. "Don't you remember? You really need to do something about that faulty memory of yours, Tek. I can't be doing this for you all the time."

At which point, Blud would go back and meticulously scour the conversation until she managed to find a set of lines that would make it seem as though I had 100% agreed. Even when I tried to explain that I had meant something else, she took it as an affront on her inability to understand nuances due to her autism.

I admit that my memory isn't that greatest at times, but I've never had anyone complain about it before. And none of my friends have ever minded providing reminders to me if I did misremember something incorrectly. We all forget stuff at times, right? It's *still* something that I'm self-conscious about because (like a lot of people with ADHD) my memory seems selective at times. This was, apparently, a problem that I needed to manage.

And even as I'm remembering these incidents to the best of my ability, I've already spent so much time recounting all of this to friends. I feel confident in my recollection. There are some details that may overlap or become entwined with other things, but it all basically tells the same story. Especially in conjunction with what's been said by others. You're free to take it as hearsay since I do not have screenshots to back this up.

I will mention (since I've been told it's something that Blud has taken particular interest in) that at one point, I did have a crush on her. I was having some problems IRL, and it was nice to have someone whom I felt actually understood me. I also felt like I saw a lot of myself in her. I think that, at one point, I did describe her as the kind of "girlfriend" I would want. Blud seemed to indicate the feeling was mutual.

Between our collaborative partnership and all of the details we shared about our lives, it did feel like an intimate relationship at times. I had no intentions of pursuing it. We were not compatible in our romantic and sexual identities, and I had no intention of leaving my current partner for her.

I had begun to notice red flags, even if I wasn't ready to accept them yet.

I've had experience with abusive relationships in the past but they were in person, and not online. I knew what to look out for and yet I was being willfully ignorant about our friendship. I wanted to give Blud the benefit of the doubt. I wanted the project to work *so* badly that I was willing to work with her increasing demands as the months went by.

I had no idea that those demands would change into, quite literal, temper tantrums. It would then trigger my fawning response which was due to an abusive family situation that I had dealt with before I moved to Canada. The tactic was this: concede to someone until there was a time that they either understood reason or I had the chance to use it against them if necessary.

I started to take screenshots. I wish that I had taken a lot more of them so that everyone could get a better idea of what was happening. I did go back and manage to record the majority of the first outburst. It was the first inkling I had that Blud wasn't playing with a full deck of cards. I knew that that would be one of the first conversations that she would promptly delete. And consequently, I was right.

This assortment of screenshots will exhibit the first serious confrontation that Blud had with me. I am absolutely *not* proud of how I handled this. I was literally panicking at the time and doing whatever I could to get her to calm down. Because I have a temper that can look similar to this in person, I knew that I had to wait until the post-tantrum clarity would hit Blud. I tried my best to not lose my own temper in turn but looking back, I feel that I came off as sounding too timid.

I didn't want to ruin this project.

I wanted to make a comic with an individual that I admired and respected as a fellow artist. And, with me not knowing how to respond, my main priority was to not make things any worse than they already were.

Below is the conversation in its entirety:

I had taken this screenshot on my phone after I had stepped away to compose myself. Blud had handled the confrontation and criticism with a reasonable amount of apprehension. But what had not occurred to me was that I could have said something that would remind her of past experiences with a roleplaying group.

It was something that had evidently scarred Blud for life.

I took away the wrong things from what she had told me, choosing to focus on the aspects of the "betrayal" that had appeared to bother her the most. And in hindsight, I did not see the correlation. I was genuinely apologetic that I had hurt her feelings.

But I *will* critique Blud for her poor handling of the situation. Whether or not I had hurt her feelings, no one is entitled to act like this or claim that this is what attempting to resolve a problem should look like.

I wasn't sure on how to initially respond to Blud. It had been ages since I'd had to deal with someone flying off the handle like that.

The following screenshots are where the conversation picked up, after she had already deleted the above message:

We had weathered the "storm" and after Blud calmed down, she was ready to communicate. There was a part of me that was genuinely sincere when I apologized to her. I did mean it when I said that I had no intentions of hurting her and that I hadn't considered how my statement would sound to her.

I had hoped that this had been a stress response due to factors outside of our collaboration. And especially when I took into account how she had interacted with me in the past. I knew that Blud had a lot going on IRL, and that she had already put a considerable amount of energy into this project.

I had taken her meltdown more personally than she could perceive that I would, because this was something that was acceptable to her. She had a "condition" that would absolve her of these abhorrent meltdowns and I needed to get used to them if we were going to continue working on that project together.

I was shaking the entire time we were typing in the chat.

I was sincere in my responses. I really did want to work things out with Blud and give her the benefit of the doubt. I could have been taking the things that she said too personally or maybe I had been reading too much into the situation. Was there a chance that I could have been misreading her outburst? I tried my best to keep an open mind though I was still somewhat baffled by the fact that she would have meltdowns as often as she did.

I confided in my husband and some other friends about the situation. They were also bewildered by Blud's actions.

By this point, I was struggling with the reality that this collaboration was most likely *not* going to work out but I still wanted to try. I still cared about Blud. We would still hang out together and talk about things like music, our characters, or our stories.

While I did have the foresight to go back and screenshot this section, I wasn't fast enough to get screenshots of everything else that I will be going over. Blud *did* admit to going back and deleting certain exchanges due to a mixture of shame; not wanting to look at them when she would scroll through our conversations.

In retrospect, it was very telling.

And even after that meltdown, I still enjoyed the friendship that I had with her. I kept my guard up but I was willing to make compromises on her behalf if it resulted in better communication between the two of us. Blud made me promise to immediately tell her if I had a problem with something. I also agreed to keep notes of our conversations.

It worked for the most part.

In the end though, it became apparent that Blud wasn't willing to do the same for me (even after we had an extended conversation about it). I then realized that I had been tasked with basically *managing* her autism for her. I was already busy with my supposedly "bad memory" at the time; and Blud was more than ready to scroll back up through our conversations to cherry-pick a line or two of text to remind me of what was said earlier.

Because, for her, circumstances couldn't ever change. If they did, it would mean that Blud had lost control of the situation and that she was in the wrong. She could *not* be in the wrong.

And if she was in the wrong? It would take solid evidence, three witnesses, and a court of law to prove it.

She had two other major meltdowns after this. I managed to step away from communicating with her through one of them and I don't remember the other meltdown lasting very long. She immediately deleted the texts of both of those instances before I could take screenshots of them.

It seemed like I could do nothing right when it came to Blud, no matter the lengths I would go to accommodate her. I knew that it was a common tactic used by abusers. I finally accepted that our partnership wasn't going to work out and I began thinking about an exit strategy. The final straw was when she began to expect me to be at her beck and call.

I had promised that I would be there for her, within reason, and I was willing to offer reassurances whenever she would ask me for them. The promise had been made back when we had first started to talk to one another with more frequency, before Blud had shown me her true colors. I would end up completely underestimating just how badly she would need reassurance.

To be frank, I underestimated a lot about Blud in the beginning.

I would end up mentioning that I enjoyed my space in several different conversations with her. That there was a chance that I might be offline for several days so I could take care of things IRL and recharge my social batteries. I'm somewhat of a recluse. And an adult who enjoys things that aren't online.

She said that it was fine.

I became incredibly anxious when I would talk to Blud, especially after her somewhat abrupt change in personality.

I then attempted to put my foot down about boundaries and this is what she had to say:

I decided to walk away for a bit and I came back after I had had some time to think things over. This wasn't healthy for either of us. I wrote a couple of sentences to say goodbye to Blud before I blocked her. I knew that my actions would probably infuriate her. She had told me in the past that she *hated* not being able to have the final word... which she was able to do through email:

“And I'm not letting you pretend you have control over the situation, or the high ground. You distinctly have neither. But since you're determined to stick to your 'principles' on this, I've decided to make it easier for you.”

She thought that she was absolved of all sins just because I had said that I would stand by her at her worst. And at the time that I said that, I had no idea that her worst would be her trying everything possible to protect her boundaries while stomping all over mine. It didn't matter what she said or how often she would apologize when I would confront her. She kept doing it.

I admit that I wasn't perfect in this situation either.

There were times when I was condescending, critical, or downright mean when I talked to Blud because that was the way I had felt when she was talking to me. I soon realized that it didn't matter either way. I could have been using the friendliest tone imaginable and she still would have perceived it as either mocking or dismissive on my end. There were even a few times where I would preface my explanations with an advisory “please know that I am not attacking you and try to read this in an understanding tone,”etc. I would then post an explanation I had spent hours picking at to ensure that there was no way she could misinterpret the intent. Even so, she still read the majority of what I said as criticism and would take it to heart.

I never expected Blud to do something that made her uncomfortable; nor did I expect her to overextend herself when it came to our project. I would go out of my way to make sure everything was fine when we would talk about it. I only expected mutual respect in return.

When we would get into discussions (arguments), she would never attempt to understand my point of view or let me explain myself. It would have made it about me when it should have been about Blud and her needs. She sometimes would agree to come to a compromise about something, but only if I would admit that I was in the wrong.

I know that if Blud was to look at these screenshots, she'd be incredulous that I'm trying to distract from the horrible things that *I* did. And those horrible things that I did? I tried my best to work with her.

It wasn't just her poor teamwork that bothered me. It was her attitude and the lack of respect that she showed me. She would never ask me to clarify something that I said; always assuming that it was a criticism against her. I can only speculate that Blud did not want to hear about how any of this was her fault, like in the email she sent me.

I don't know if I was actually her friend at any point. Friends make efforts to understand one another. Ideally, they’d want their friendships to continue, and they would want everyone to be getting along and having fun. She seemed to actively defy that.

I would argue that things like this don't just happen in a vacuum. There's almost always a reason for such things, but it's honestly a mystery to me as to where this vitriol comes from. I don't know why Blud sees monsters in every word, especially if they come from a "friend".

I've seen her viscously mock herself during meltdowns; it seems like she hates herself and expects everyone else to hate her too. I think that she wants it to be the truth, so that it validates the feelings she has about herself. The behavior patterns that I'd been exposed to are consistent with the idea that Blud is seeking confirmation about the personal assumptions she has about herself. It's what makes her so volatile to those around her. Yet, she refuses to break the cycle.

I hope that she can make that choice in the future but at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

#dogblud #it feels a bit dirty doing a call out post #but people need to know #she's gotten away with this for far too long #i generally tend to give people the benefit of a doubt #clearly too much #but you can only make up so many excuses before you begin to realize that #at the end of the day #people still have the ability to make a choice #“everyone always leaves me”#well maybe you should really consider what the common variable is #just sayin

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sweetvoidstuff · 8 months

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Dying for a Diary II Cha Hyun Su x Reader

Cha Hyun Su x Reader

Summary: Despite Hyun Su's concerns about the dangers, you insist on joining him in a mission to revive items, showcasing your skills.

the first part, kinda ~~~~~ the next part, kinda

Masterlist

~~~~~

Hyun Su's eyes widened with concern as you declared your intention to join him in reviving the items from the other tenants. "It's too dangerous, Y/N," he insisted, worry etching his features. "Monsters are roaming everywhere, and my own monster could accidentally hurt you."

Eun Hyeun chimed in, nodding in agreement with Hyun Su. "Listen to him, Y/N. It's not a safe mission for someone without experience."

However, you shook your head, determination shining in your eyes. "What do you know about my experience? I can handle myself, Hyun Su." The frustration of seeing Hyun Su consistently taking on perilous tasks fueled your resolve. Eun Hyeun's tendency to assign dangerous jobs, risking Hyun Su's life for seemingly trivial items, grated on you.

Reluctantly, Hyun Su nodded, your determination overruling their concerns. During the mission, his worry lingered, but he couldn't help but be impressed. You held your own in battles. Close calls were met with your swift and skilled responses, leaving both admiration and concern etched on Hyun Su's face. Showcasing a level of fighting experience similar to Jae Heon.

Back in the common area, Hyun Su approached you, concern lingering in his eyes. "You really surprised me out there, Y/N. How did you learn to fight like this?" His curiosity was genuine, a testament to the unexpected strength and skill you exhibited during the mission.

You shrugged, unsure of how to articulate your past experiences. The world before monsters roamed the streets was vastly different, and girls who could fend for themselves were often met with disdain in your expierience. However, Hyun Su's open-mindedness surprised you. He wasn't like the others.

Before you could respond, Hyun Su, recognizing the need to shift the focus, offered to tend to your wounds. The vulnerability of the moment fostered a unique closeness between you two. As he cleaned your injuries, you found yourself opening up about your past, a particular action movie you had seen with your father years ago. Inspired by the heroes on screen, your dad encouraged you to take self-defense classes, an experience you cherished dearly.

Hyun Su listened attentively, his touch gentle and comforting. The shared stories allowed the conversation to delve into more personal aspects of your lives. The common ground you discovered formed a bridge, connecting your worlds and building a foundation of trust. The bond between you and Hyun Su deepened, transcending the confines of mere friendship.

#cha hyun soo x reader #cha hyun su x reader #x reader #reader insert #x you #sweet home #sweet home netflix #sweet home x reader #sweet home imagines #cha hyunsu #cha hyun soo #hyun su x reader

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zsakuva · 30 days

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Do you have your top 3 favorite series your doing/have done and if so, why are they your top 3?

The Noble Trials/Zaros

I have a feeling this series will always have a special place in my heart solely because of the concept, the challenges, and the voice actors that have lent their amazing skill to the project thus far. I love telling stories, and though it can be done with two characters (the speaker and corresponding Listener), it can get repetitive and boring. There's only so much depth you can dive into when you can't hear what the other person is saying. It's more than words; their intonation is critical in a medium where you can't depend on facial expressions. So the bigger cast allows for more conflict and in this story, gives it more weight.

Plus, viewing The Noble Trials as an episodic audio drama is so much fun, especially when finding the appropriate soundtrack for scenes (which can be a chore in itself, but is incredibly rewarding!)

2. The Broken Classmate/Niall

As the only M4M series on my channel, Niall was a driver to explore certain topics I couldn't do with anyone else. Battling with past trauma, internal struggles, and fear of coming to terms with who he is was paramount when writing him. And as a gay man myself, I wanted to share a story that might have started with tragedy, but ended on a hopeful note.

Much of his character is shaped by what happened in school; even though he has a supportive family, it's not enough to heal him. And for some people, the wounds are too deep. With Niall, his fears forced him to isolate himself, and I wanted to see how this man would be able to slowly break free from his own cage.

And when I read comments about how much people could relate to Niall, and how it helped with their own identity and closure, Niall served his purpose.

3. The Gang Lord's Son/Elias

This started as an experimental series. I knew I wanted a bigger cast simply due to the character Elias is and the conflict he finds himself in. I love stories where there are risks and stakes, and I wanted to incorporate an interactive experience for the audience. But I knew that the majority would vote for the best path no matter what, so this series allowed me to tackle something new as to how I told the story, as well as not being limited by the best case scenario which is... you guessed it. Boring.

As a character, Elias is quite fun to write as well. He's driven by many ideologies and fears, and some seem to clash within him. There are times I don't know what he'd do until I write it, and characters that surprise me are always great!

#zsakuva #sakuverse #audio roleplay #zaros #zaros atha'lin #niall #elias #the noble trials

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sugar-grigri · 6 months

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Hello! With the discussion of Yoshida with your recent analysis, what's your perspective on Yoshida offering Denji the choice before: of being chainsaw man or having his family and how much of that was Yoshida enforcing his own ideas of what's good for denji vs his efforts to help denji in the limited scope of his position? I feel like this could have been talked about before on the blog but with added context from csm 156 interested in how this develops too

Denji is Yoshida's reflection that he refuses to see

The answer might be easy if I aligned myself with my own position, the one I established in my analysis 156, which attempts to theorize that Yoshida is on Denji's side

But you know I know I haven't convinced everyone with my blindness around Yoshida's hidden goodness. So I'm going to answer your question, but from the opposite position: let's explain Yoshida's reactions, whether as a non-ally of Denji or as an enemy. I know this may confuse you because you'd like me to analyze chapter 133 in relation to what I analyzed about chapter 156. But even if I assumed the opposite, I would have come to the same conclusion.

I love Yoshida, and even though I seem to have left him out of my analyses, I've always reflected on every one of his interventions. And something strikes me, Yoshida often seems to be talking to himself, even deluding himself almost as if to hold on.

In chapters 120/121, Yoshida invites Asa. Now fans (like me!!!) are fantasizing about rivals, a fake love triangle and a date. But in reality, it all falls depressingly flat.

But this chapter remains interesting for two reasons: two people share their experience of solitude as the only way to avoid disappointment and be happy. However, Asa projects herself into a possible love with Yoshida.

It's like reciting something to convince yourself but secretly wishing for the opposite…

But what's interesting is that we take the position of thinking that everything Yoshida said was linear.

Let's review. Yoshida knows that Asa was leering, that she looked depressed, and since he's watching Denji, he must have known about the date, hence the warning that comes later. So why get involved? As Asa's Nayuta-altered memory made him the executioner, why make her pain worse?

Because Yoshida must have had a childish reaction. It's as if, for once, he hadn't quite accepted his role as a spectator of events. I think Yoshida must have seen himself in Asa in some way. In chapter 121, Asa is all silence and Yoshida is for once almost in monologue. It was as if everything he said would convince him a little more out loud. Whether it was his theory of happiness up to........ "stay away from Denji". That point. Part of the points that concern him as much as they concern Asa.

I think and I'm convinced that even by not interpreting Yoshida as an ally, he became more sensitive and involved with Denji's plight and didn't always know how to place an emotional wall between them. Because Denji catches him off guard, makes Yoshida's smiling mask fall off. And this is something I've never verbalized before, but it's a pillar in my interpretation:

Being with Denji pushes you to be yourself.

Because Denji refuses the social game, doesn't tend to judge as teenagers of this age usually would, and has extremely sincere reactions that are so unpredictable that they don't allow for calculated responses, responses that form the shell of other characters like Asa and Yoshida.

What Asa liked about Denji, above all, was that he was able to give her confidence and make her proud when everyone else was putting her down. You don't like fish, so what? Eat starfish. Because yes, even if it was boring, I saw you, I listened to you and you made an impact on me. Because you're not insignificant.

Denji has that effect on Yoshida. Very symbolically, during their new interaction in part 2, the protagonist doesn't remember Yoshida. Of course, it's quite funny, because it can be interpreted in all sorts of ways, like the fact that Denji is so uninterested in guys that he forgets them so easily. But it's symbolic for Yoshida's character. He's so fake and so in control that Denji doesn't perceive anything in him.

And it's when he becomes more and more desperate as a result of these reactions, and when his mask gradually breaks, that Denji finally remembers his name. Because Yoshida acts less like a public hunter and more like himself, like Yoshida.

I think in chapter 133, it's really a way of trying to wake Denji up and help him. But then again, it helps to weaken Yoshida's mask. When Yoshida repeats that Denji has only two choices, that of his family or Chainsaw Man, Denji repeats that he has two. From Yoshida's point of view, this is fundamental.

The system offers only one choice, only one possible path. But Denji opposes both. In a chapter about protest, we also talk about his position towards the system. Oppose it, protest as if in the background, claim the symbol of Chainsaw Man or oppose it, see it as a societal evil, a danger of undermining the system. For I repeat, Yoshida has decided to believe in the system when Denji distrusts it.

So Yoshida gets angry, belittling Denji as if he can't see the absurdity of this dilemma imposed on a boy who has been given a choice. Who was only told there were only two choices when there were three. Rehearsing allows Yoshida to convince himself, but we see that this controlled mask has completely disappeared, giving way to anger and a kind of panic. Because Yoshida's ideals are unravelling.

Denji is a reflection.

Reflecting the cruelty of the mafia that Katana doesn't want to admit, the dream of going to school that Reze is trying to forget, allowing the trust that Asa thought impossible and the reflection of Yoshida: a teenager, who will trace a third path to the two that will be reserved for him.

If Chainsaw Man allows you to project what you want, have or be in him, hence the pandemic of CSM wannabe. Denji, hidden behind it, is doing something far more unbearable: showing us who we are.

Aki's vengeance gives way to a desire to be surrounded by loved ones, loved ones he may not be able to protect. Thinking only of oneself shows Power, through her sacrifice for Denji, that she is capable of love even if it goes against her survival.

So chapter 156 takes on a softer version. I repeat: why did you wake Denji up just to tell him he'd lost?

That Yoshida had warned him? Once again, through a strategy of self-conviction and self-protection, what Yoshida is doing is reminding us that complete alienation from the system is better than individual affirmation (which is what Denji is punished for, having repeated that he is Chainsaw Man). This identical public hunter's costume is the symbol of this submission. Yoshida is no longer even a fake high-school student. He's just a public hunter.

But I find this chapter takes on an air of funeral and goodbye. Yoshida's costume, taking on that of someone in mourning in a symbolic way.

Because saying goodbye to Denji.

It means saying goodbye to yourself.

So I ask you, Anon, and you, the reader, does Yoshida really want to continue refusing to see his reflection ?

#chainsaw man #csm #csm part 2 #csm spoilers #denji #yoshida #yoshida hirofumi #asa #asa mitaka #my thoughts #csm 156 #csm 121 #csm 133 #ask #<3

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wantsobadminsung · 10 months

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Bittersweet. 😢 💔 🧊

I take a deep breath, my heart pounding in my chest as I muster up the courage to confess my feelings. The room feels tense as Minho and Jisung sit across from me, unaware of the turmoil brewing inside me. They've been together for a while now, and I know they care about each other deeply. But this secret has been eating away at me for far too long.

"I need to tell you something," I stammer, trying to steady my trembling voice. Minho and Jisung exchange curious glances, leaning in closer to listen. Their eyes fixed on me, waiting for my words.

My hands twist and knot together nervously as I continue, "I... I'm in love with both of you. I don't know how it happened or when, but it's true. I can't hide it anymore."

Silence blankets the room, and I can feel their shocked expressions burning holes in me. The weight of their disappointment settles heavily in my chest. Minho's face contorts with a mix of confusion and anger, while Jisung's eyes grow distant and cold.

"You can't be serious," Jisung snaps, his voice laced with bitterness. "You expect us to believe that? This is just your excuse, isn't it? You're trying to steal Minho away from me."

My heart shatters into a million fragments at his accusation. I never intended for any of this to happen; I never wanted to come between them. The tears begin to well up in my eyes, and I desperately search for words to make them understand.

"No, Jisung, that's not true," I plead, my voice wavering. "I never wanted to hurt either of you. I would never do that deliberately. I'm just... confused, and I needed to be honest with you both. I can't keep pretending anymore."

Minho sighs, running a hand through his hair. His face remains unreadable, his eyes not meeting mine. "YN," he says calmly, "We're all adults here. Emotions are complex, and sometimes they don't make sense. But this situation isn't fair to anyone involved. We can't continue like this. You need to find someone else, someone who can give you what you truly need. It's best for everyone."

Every word that falls from his lips feels like a dagger to my heart. I had hoped they would understand, give me a chance to explain, but instead, I am met with rejection and dismissal. The tears finally spill over, rolling down my cheeks as I realize that my confession has cost me not only their love, but also their friendship.

"I... I'm sorry," I whisper, my voice cracking with sorrow. "I never meant for any of this to end like this. I'll go now; I'll find my own way."

As I leave their house, the door closes behind me, and I can't help but feel a sense of emptiness. The weight of rejection and loneliness hangs heavy upon my shoulders. I find solace in the night sky, allowing myself to grieve for the love I lost and the friendships that were shattered.

In the darkness, I vow to heal and find my own path, taking the hard lessons learned from this painful experience. And as the tears continue to fall, I remind myself that even amidst heartbreak, I am strong enough to rebuild, to find happiness again.

The nights grow colder as I navigate through the aftermath of my confession. The pain lingers, haunting my thoughts and infiltrating my dreams. Each day feels like an uphill battle, as I try to heal the wounds that Jisung and Minho's rejection have left behind.

I push myself to keep moving forward, to find solace in things that once brought me joy. But it's not easy. Every familiar place and every shared memory with them seems tainted now, reminding me of what could have been.

Loneliness envelops me, seeping into the depths of my soul. But amidst the despair, I remind myself that I am stronger than I believe. I refuse to let the darkness consume me entirely. I search for the light, even if it's just a flicker.

Days turn into weeks, and weeks into months. Slowly, I begin to find solace in the company of friends and family who offer unwavering support. Their warmth helps to thaw the ice that had formed around my heart.

Through self-reflection and introspection, I realize that my confession was not only an act of courage, but an act of self-love. I had to honor my own feelings, despite knowing the potential consequences. And although the outcome was painful, I remind myself that I deserve love and happiness too.

The wounds start to heal with time, and the tears become less frequent. I learn to forgive myself for the pain I caused, understanding that sometimes love doesn't align in the way we hope.

In the midst of rebuilding my life, I cultivate newfound strength and resilience. I rediscover my passions, pouring my heart into creative endeavors and pursuing my dreams with a renewed fervor. The pain will always bear a mark on my heart, but it no longer defines me.

And as I take each step forward, I remember Minho's words, reminding me that we are all adults. Life is a journey filled with unpredictable twists and turns. I allow myself to cry when necessary, to mourn the loss, but I also embrace the resilience within me to move on.

Love, in all its complexities, remains elusive. But I refuse to let fear hold me back. I know that one day, when the time is right, love will find its way back to me. And until then, I will continue to grow, to heal, and to cherish the lessons learned from this bittersweet chapter of my life.

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the-lincyclopedia · 5 months

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This could just be a me thing, but I'm sharing it in case it's useful to anyone else: I often find myself making unnecessary rules about how I do things, even in situations that don't affect anyone else, and I'm trying to get myself to knock it off.

Sometimes these unnecessary rules are tied to the concept of respect: my brain will say it's disrespectful to a musician to listen to an album out of order or to skip songs, so I won't, even if doing so would significantly improve my personal listening experience. Or my brain will argue that it's racist to modify recipes from other cultures, even if that means there are some recipes I can't eat because they're too spicy or whatever. In both cases, the hypothetical person or group I'm trying to respect is not present and will never find out what I did. I, on the other hand, am directly affected by my own decisions about these things. So I'm trying to let myself prioritize my own experiences when I am making decisions that only affect me.

Other times, I make unnecessary rules because I have a goal and think there's one right way to achieve it. Often this comes up when there's something I want or need to do that executive dysfunction won't let me do, or that I can't do for some other reason, but I feel like I'm not allowed to do anything else until The Thing is done. Like, maybe I'm resisting showering pretty intensely, but I'm also not letting myself brush my teeth or leave the bathroom until I shower, so I stay in the bathroom doing nothing because I can't get myself to shower, and I won't let myself do anything else until I shower. At some point, I need to cut my losses and skip the shower or reverse the order and brush my teeth first.

Obviously, fixing this is easier said than done, but I think noticing when my rules are unnecessary is a good step. I'll note here that I have plenty of rules that might not make sense to neurotypicals (including a few that probably only make sense to me) that I DO consider necessary, or at least helpful, and and that I'm not going to try to get rid of.

I guess the question I'm trying to remind myself to ask is, "Does following this rule increase or decrease my distress?" So routines and rituals can certainly be good, but when I'm forcing myself to do something in a way that makes me miserable because that's the "right" way, it's time to reevaluate.

#a lin original #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #autism #actually autistic #ocd #actually ocd

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autisticlee · 5 months

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I have realized I need more friends, especially a specific type of friend (chill, positive, very nice and gentle, shares interest in my interests, etc) so I've been putting a lot of time and effort and energy into trying to make a new friend, but I don't think it's working D: I genuinely don't know how to do it. I used to ask people if we can be friends but learned thats not correct and even got called creepy for it before...so i'm just exhausting myself for no reason because nothing is being reciprocated the way I want or need it to be.

i'm trying to learn about the person and tailoring my scripts to match them and what they seem to like about people they are friends with. but so far i'm not getting much reaction outside of general kind acknowledgment that all random strangers get. i'm trying so hard not to ramble or rant about anything or be "too negative" like i've been called many times for simply stating a related/relatable fact about myself. i'm trying to ask questions more questions like ive been told to do. i'm saying nice and positive things whenever I get the chance like i always do. i'm doing all the things people have advised me to do when ive asked advice, but it still feels like i'm looking through a window and not allowed to walk through the door! but see everyone else getting invited inside. I genuinely don't know what to do and how to make it better 🥲

when I look back in the past and how I made friends or starter talking to people, it always came from trauma bonding....often it would start from or be carried along by a shared interest, but one of the dominating factors was always trauma bonding and ramling and ranting at each other about the trauma we have gone through that relates to each other. I felt like I needed it at the time and felt like it helped, but now i've reached a point where it's too exhausting to go through repeated exposure to trauma stories and reexperiencing ny own traumas. plus it usually ends in failure and me adding more trauma to my plate because they have issues and lash them out at me, or decide they are upset that I have my own issues they trigger, and I do not want to do that anymore.

I don't want to befriend people through or to trauma bond. I don't want to befriend people who only want to talk about negative things or people who bring out those things in me. I want some positive and chill and fun friends. but I genuinely do not know how else to make friends. I don't know how to do it right. I don't know how to talk to people correctly. I don't know how to do any of this without trauma dumping/ l listening to trauma dumping and using that as the gateway to form friendships.

I don't know how to have friends that don't share same interests either, but I have realized that's only part of it. that part is fine I think. maybe that's the normal part. (it's my autistic intensity that's the "not normal" part and losing friends as soon as one of us loses that interest) but how do I befriend someone positively off of similar interests only, and not drop my dark lore or avoid letting them drop their dark lore and using that as the bridge? I simply can't figure out how to connect with people in any other way than the whole "I understand what you're going through/you're not alone/I'm here for you/this is a safe space you can come to" thing I tried building up my whole life. but that's only been exhausting and leads to dead ends.

I don't know how to form strong and positive connections with other humans, despite following every tutorial and advice I could find. I even tried heavily masking and learned I'm just no good at it, and I can't figure out if i've acted myself out of a personality, or if it's just a dissociative disorder causing me to have like 20 different ones (working with therapist now who is evaluating me for osdd/did because she says my dissociative levels are concerning. and honestly i feel like part if not all of it is due to my negative people experiences....so i really need positive ones!) i've been trying to keep all my rambles and rants and negative thoughts and feelings to this blog only. i'm not here on this blog to make friends. this is purely for me and myself and I. if anyone relates they are welcome to reply/comment or send an ask and share, but i'm not going to pursue a friendship over it.

I only want to accept positive and chill and fun friendships over my special interests and smaller interests (I have a whole other blog for just those) BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT. NOTHING ANYONE TELLS ME WORKS. i'm trying so hard to bond over interests with people but just cannot form any connections no matter how hard I try. it remains me being the only one to ever reach out and give (time/energy/attention/etc) while they can easily have 4747373 other friends and people they enjoy and care about and talk to and hang out with. so I don't think it's them. it has to be me. (I've had people saying it's not me, it's the people I try to talk to and I need to find other people. or even "the right people" but i'm not told how to do that or what it means. and i've spent years flipping through people like clothes on a rack and it's so tiring!!!!!)

don't know know what to do or how to do it, but need human interaction and genuine strong connection and can't force self stop craving that 😭😭😭😭😭

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requiemsystem · 10 months

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RECOVERING PROGRAMMED PARTS

Trigger warning for discussion of RAMCOA and programming. This post will be focused on programmed parts recovering, I will mainly be speaking from my personal experience. If other survivors have more to add on, you are more than welcome to reblog this post and add your experience and advice. First, I want to preface this post by saying that everyone's experience is going to be different. No two systems are the same, the same applies to programmed systems and programmed parts. Recovery for these parts will entirely depend on what they have been programmed to do or believe. Show them kindness. Arguably the most important first step, showing kindness and acceptance to these parts is extremely important. Remember that they do not do these things out of choice, but rather out of trauma and feeling a need to do so. You do not have to condone their behaviors, and you are allowed to feel hurt by them, but you should not take this out on them. They are just as traumatized as any other part in the system. Start slow. There is no rush to recovery. Recovery is also not always linear, and setbacks do not mean you are back at square one. Try encouraging your programmed parts to take small steps outside of their programmed roles, if it is safe to do so. For example, a part who is programmed to be aggressive may be encouraged to do something calming such as going for a walk or listening to some music. Find new jobs for them. In our experience, many programmed parts struggle with the thought of not having a job or "purpose". This may not be the case for your programmed parts, but if you notice this type of thinking, try to help them find jobs that they are comfortable with that benefit the system in current life. For example, a high-ranking internal handler may have a lot of knowledge about the system and could do a good job of keeping track of information about the system in a helpful and healthy way. Help them find themselves. Having a more beneficial job and experiences outside of trauma is a good start, but often helping these parts find more of a sense of identity can help them recover as well, when it is safe for them to do so. For example, many programmed parts in our system are involuntarily assigned a title, choosing a name when they feel ready is incredibly healing for them. There is no rush to do this, and you should not try to force any part who is not ready into doing this, especially if they feel that they may be punished by other parts. Help them question things. Ideally, this should be done with the help of a therapist. Helping these parts question the things they were taught to believe can be incredibly helpful, but it must be done on their own terms, when they feel ready, and very carefully. Please do not try to force beliefs onto them, but rather give them space to question what they were taught on their own terms, when they are ready to do so. My experience. I was a high-ranking internal programmer for quite some time, and a few months ago I started making an attempt to recover. I began speaking to people both inside and outside my system who did not share my role, and because of this I was able to begin questioning some of the things that I had been taught. I am still not completely free of all of my beliefs, but when they do come up, I do my best to remind myself that those are things other people instilled into me as opposed to my own conclusions. The things that have been most helpful in my recovery have been other individuals showing me kindness and acceptance, despite my actions, and the ability to do things on my own terms, when I feel ready. If anyone has anything to add to this, or any questions, feel free to reblog or send us an ask. I will do my best to answer any questions, and I would appreciate any additions to this post, as I think sharing healing information is something that should be done more often. - Adonis

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bees-tes-blog · 2 months

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Wokestone here. :) Arisen #1, Arisen #3, Arisen&Pawn #14, World&Story #5

questions from here!

Arisen - Whether they remember or not, where are they from?

dd2 jesse grew up by the sea under the harve village chief(at the time)'s roof—his birth parents died when he was too young to remember them. when he was barely an adult, the man who raised him died one night protecting the village from a monster raid. it was eventually decided that jonas—the current chief—would take his place. naturally, tensions were high for a very long while between the son of the chief and the piece of work that replaced him, and it was no one's surprise when jesse, still grieving, ignored orders for the last time and was banished. he ended up in melve where he befriended ulrika and in time decided to stay, though it didn't last long. and you know the rest.

Arisen - Do they ever get their memory back; if they do, does that change how they interact with the narrative, and if they don’t how do they feel about that loss?

jesse begins to piece together what little he can of his history guided by his instincts and the rare clue he picks up, but he gets his memory back. rather unfortunate, since finding a way to restore what was taken from him is his main motivation for pursuing disa's plot in the beginning. its loss troubles him deeply, especially at first—with no memories, no heartbeat, only an inexplicable drive towards something he can't yet identify, he's barely more than a puppet.

Arisen & Pawn - What do they bond most over?

for both jesse, who often suffers the consequences of being more blunt than he means to, and mati, who's usually preoccupied with the expectations he places on himself as a pawn, sharing a bond where they both feel free to speak openly is a relief. when they're more comfortable with each other mati becomes one of the few people jesse can truly rely on and be candid about the weight of his charge with. jesse is the only one mati ever begins to drop the formalities around. mati gets used to the idea that he can ramble about whatever topic's grabbed his interest and jesse will be glad to listen, and he won't be punished for his private little gibes about interesting individuals they've met. they're kind of little haters together.

World & Story - What does the ending and its aftermath look like for them?

this is something I'm still pondering myself, but I've spoken about it a little here and there, so this is a good opportunity to put the bits and pieces in one place. my take is that with the help of his pawn, jesse succeeds in killing PF for good, freeing the world of their influence. but as he plummets to the bottom of the sea, through his will he chooses to continue the cycle and go through it all again (albeit without PF's interference) just to allow his world and the people in it to persist. he's come to love the world "too much to leave it behind" : ) mati returns to the rift to regenerate his proper form and wait patiently for his master's call, something inside him knowing jesse is not gone. but when he is resummoned, the arisen before him remembers nothing of their bond, nor the journeys they shared, nor the sacrifices they both made. jesse can't understand right away what comes over him when it's time to select his pawn. but as they begin to rebuild their bond, he gets the feeling this familiar stranger really means it when he says they've been here before. and mati will wait for him to remember their past lives no matter how long it takes. they're in a purgatory of sorts—one of their own choosing—but in every cycle they experience, the people they care about get to keep living their lives and they get to stay at each other's side. they'll keep choosing it every time.

#thanks for the ask!#and thank you for making me actually start thinking about jesse's origin in dd2 🙏#waiting to flesh that out more until I have a playthrough where I actually manage to complete both trouble on the cape and #...ulrika's questline successfully lol #ask #wokestone #dragons dogma 2 #dd2 spoilers #oc: jesse #oc: mati #is linking to another post as part of an answer cheating........#i put it in words better there than i could now

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thebastardgerard · 1 year

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Recently, after reading my friend @metalheadsforblacklivesmatter ‘s posts, I thought it was finally time to share my own story experiencing medical racism, transphobia and sexism.

TW: MEDICAL TOPICS, RACISM, TRANSPHOBIA, SEXISM AND EDS.

Somethings about me and disclaimers:

For those who don’t know me, hi hello, what’s the dealio? My name is Kuco, I’m a two-spirit black-indigenous mixed person. I am light-skinned, but most people can tell I’m mixed or assume I’m Latino, to the point where my medical documents mark me as Hispanic despite myself telling them to change it. I’m also AFAB.

While my experience is bad, it’s not unique to just me. Other people who are apart of the BIPOC community have faced the same or much worse. Regardless, please listen those in the community with darker skin. They often face much worse. If you’re only comfortable listening to those with lighter skin and feel more comfortable while claiming you’re an ally, you’re wrong and need to do better.

My story:

In 2021, I was experiencing nausea and vomiting after I ate. After a week of this continuously happening while working, I went to see a doctor who sent me to a surgeon, who sent me to a gastroenterologist to see what could be done without surgery.

This doctor was a cis white man in his late 60s who was apparently “retired.” After pointing out my symptoms and how they were getting worse, he looked through my medical history and noticed I had anxiety. He immediately went to the conclusion of a “brain-to-gut” connection, saying it was often found in woman. (Shock to no one, that wasn’t the case. Also, the issue was not my anxiety. My anxiety has progressive gone down and was at the lowest it had been in YEARS. My therapist at the time even confirmed this himself.) During this time, he also repeatedly referred to me using she/her pronouns, despite that my medical record points out that I am transgender and went by he/him pronouns at the time. (Despite me pointing this out, he continued to ignore this.) He gave me medications that were supposed to help, a doctor’s note (as I worked at the time) and sent me on my way.

Things only got worse. After 6 months of my symptoms getting worse and worse (to the point I could not eat solid food and started vomiting liquid) and several tests, he still believed it was a brain to gut issue. I had lost a lot of weight, to the point my own family noticed.

One of the last appointments I had with this doctor involved what’s called a gastric emptying test. For this test, a radioactive isotope (which isn’t harmful to humans) is put into some eggs and ingested. Pictures are taken of your stomach to track how long the isotope stays in your stomach after 2 hours, 3 hours, and 4 hours. Normally, your stomach is meant to empty at the 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hour mark. (By what I was told, mind you.)

My stomach emptied finally at the ladder end of 4 hours. This was considered on the way lower end of normal.

Once my doctor got this result, this was his response: The test says that your empty is at the lower end of what was normal, so that’s normal. Just keep taking your meds. It’s more common for Caucasian (white) people to have more serious gastric problems. Just so you know, I’m not writing you another note for your work, it’s not what I do.

This is what broke the camel’s back.

I called my primary care doctor and let her know that I wanted a different doctor who was a woman to see. I told her that he wasn’t listening to me nor taking me seriously and I refused to see him again. I also let her know that he was refusing to write me anymore work notes, despite the issue not being resolved. (A small time after this, my job let me go due to not having a return date. They said I was allowed to reapply afterwards, but I didn’t for different reasons. That’s another story for a different day.)

My primary care doctor sent me to a different doctor who was a woman and also happened to be a POC.

I had an appointment a week later, in which I told her all my symptoms and how I was barely able to eat it drink anything without being nauseous and vomiting. She listened to me while looking at my previous results from previous tests, in which she saw my gastric emptying test.

Her response was: Your test says your emptying is on the lower end of what’s normal, but by what you’re saying, it’s only gotten worse. Why didn’t he give you anything? I’m surprised you’re even talking to me right now.

I told her that he had said that due to my anxiety, it was a brain to gut issue, which was common for “woman” and continually insisted on that, as well as his other comments. She concluded I have a condition called Gastroparesis, or delayed gastric emptying. This is a condition that affects the stomach muscles and prevents proper stomach emptying. While there isn’t a certain idea of why it happens, it’s thought that those who previously suffered from EDs and have diabetes contract it more. (I had suffered from EDs when I was younger and have a history of diabetes that runs in my family, which is where I believe my causes came from.)

I suffered 9 months with this condition without proper treatment, in which my symptoms were prolonged, got worse, and almost passed, all because if ONE doctor.

While I got better for a time, I’m still battling with this condition, as well as other conditions that came along.

~~~~~~~~~

When those in the BIPOC community tell you we don’t trust white people, especially doctors, it’s because we’ve been shown time and time again the complete disregard for our care and safety.

Use your allyship for good and protect us.

I would like to thank my friends for your help, but especially with my partners and my friend @metalheadsforblacklivesmatter . They helped me so much through those 9 months, and even now continue to help and support me. I love you guys so so much. 🩵🩵🩵

#bipoc stories #black lives are human lives #afro indigenous #indigenous #black lives matter #black lgbt #lgbtqplus #two spirit

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wachtelspinat · 7 months

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Hey you - I'm here to echo some of the words that other folks have said and be one of the echoes that helps keep you going.

I've had a super similar falling out with Overwatch. My overgosh overwatch timeline is still one of the top internet search results even after I threw in the towel years ago during the sexual harassment lawsuit; talking about Overwatch now makes me so frustrated and bummed out. It was so incredibly important to me - one of the only fandom spaces I've really ever dove into face first (I even frequented the Blizzard Forums, which is... A wild place to be. I was that invested). And now it's just... Well, you know.

But you know what? Your work is evocative, full of life and character. You give Junkrat and Roadhog such joy and story that the ding-dongs of Blizzard's executive team were never going to green light or allow their team to create. Your work, your animated expressions and fantastic gestures and overall killer hand skills, have completed a story for these characters that many people were desperately looking for and thankful to have (myself included, a person who listened to Roadhog's idle grunts/breathing foley on the clock as white noise).

It doesn't matter what origins the characters are from, as far as I'm concerned any of the characters you bring to life are worth watching simply because of your storytelling abilities. There's not a lot to Overwatch, but there's a lot to your work - and that's worth sticking around for. And you should, in my humble opinion, stick around for yourself.

I really hope you can find your passion and feel grounded in yourself again. Burnout and depression are unwanted friends of mine, and even if it's not easy to even make it day by day, you're worth it just for being you. I'm grateful for the work and creativity you've shared, but even just drawing for yourself or taking a break to spark that pilot light back in your brain is so important. You are fantastic, and I'm sending all of my energy your way through this rough time.

hey : D wow it makes me even madder reading your experience with ow. like i know my own thoughts and struggles of my mutuals with it, really trying to establish a distance here with the source but it's so frustrating reading that such a widespread alienation with their fanbase has driven so many people away. like i know of a few people who are still so much more involved than i am, like beta-testing and all that and there is just so much frustration going around... and that's just speaking of the game dev decisions. the sexual harrassment lawsuit should have actually fully blown everything up, but that would not have been fair to the people actually putting love into this, like all the game devs that are not responsible for the actions of these few idiots that decide the outcomes (also how did you survive the blizzard forums tho you must be the most hardcore person ToT)

also i'm shit with words but thank you so much, i'm having a hard time expressing the feelings that your words have made come busting through my chest. like i know that we as a fandom have all collectively filled in the gaps and even more in a story that blizzard wouldn't even give a damn about, it's nice to know that i am a part of that, that people have been looking for more and that they found (and hopefully continue to find) it here <3 that's huge. and nothing the stupid decisions of a handful of money hungry twats can ever diminish

hope you're having a wonderfull weekend (and it was a delight to go through your blog here <3!)

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elysiansparadise · 2 years

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Hi! I also have a question, not astrology related.

How did you become such a good writer?

I'm looking for inspiration to put my thoughts into words. I'm socially awkward and introverted, so I'm not the best always at expressing myself.

Thanks.

I'd love to start by saying that I'm deeply touched that you consider me so good at writing, it is one of the compliments I am most happy to hear/read, so thank you very much. I prefer to share with you how I improved and felt confident about my writing.

🤎I wrote daily. I used to daydream about writing and not doing it actively, one day I got tired and preferred to get in front of the computer and write a bit. I made writing a habit, not just any habit, but my favorite. If I didn't feel well I would write about my own feelings, in addition to practicing writing I would vent.

🤎I worried about my surroundings. I made sure to turn off the television, put on my favorite music, wear comfortable clothes, have a comfort drink with me before getting back to writing.

🤎I made my passions the main theme of my writing. Astrology? I made notes in my notebook until I filled dozens of them. New crush? Hundreds of poems describing in a thousand different ways my feelings when looking at that person. Find out what topics you are passionate about so you can write about them.

🤎I practiced different styles. From the most technical, clean and to the point writing, to the most poetic and metaphorical that you can imagine. The trick is not to be afraid to experiment, let yourself be carried away by what you write.

🤎Reading is as important as writing. Reading can help you find out which styles you like and which you don't. I found that while I love romantic and poetic language, but when it's "too much" to such a degree that the main point vanishes, I lose interest. It also expands your vocabulary and helps you find new interests.

🤎I got rid of the idea of writing for others before writing for me. Public opinion is a weight that you carry on your back that can harm your posture regarding writing all your life. Although listening to opinions is crucial to improve, you have to discern which to listen to and which to ignore. Care more about writing for you and topics you like before caring which topics other may rather.

🤎Music was my greatest company. And it still is. Random Playlist and my mind is in charge of creating interesting scenarios. Music helped me explore emotions that were foreign to me at that time.

🤎I hung out with people who were PASSIONATE about writing or watched videos of writers talking about their next novel. Passion is contagious, you know? There is nothing more empowering for our inner writer than seeing the sparkle in the eyes, the huge smile or the fire with which other people express themselves when they talk about writing. It just motivated me not to stop writing.

These are just a couple of things, I think it depends a lot on the person. I sincerely hope you find a method that allows you to put what you think into words, I'm sure that what you have to tell is interesting and valuable. All the best to you, love. 🤎

#🤎

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pattern-recognition-hypotheses · 1 month

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This has been on my mind a lot, and every trans fem person I’ve said it to has realized they do struggle with this, so I’m going to share here.

Posting here because I expect this to piss some people off & don’t want it directly associated with my main.

I’ll make this as anonymous as possible, because some of it began from a conversation with an in-person/IRL friend whom I’m living with, & I don’t want to expose them. But apart from that piece of context, I’ll address the general trans community, especially our trans fem siblings & sisters (& any other term y’all may prefer).

Also getting this out of the way up front, I am trans myself. I am not speaking from outside the trans community, though I am speaking from a trans masculine / nonbinary experience.

I have a lot of trans fem friends now (mostly nonbinary, by coincidence), & saw the (often (unfortunately) necessary) assumptions that cis women & AFAB people made/had to make as I grew up. I watched AFAB folks & women assume things about men*, & heard them speak to the horrible things some entitled men did to them. I’ve been listening to my trans fem friends & asking questions about their experience with femininity, & about how men treat them if they pass.

(* though our society makes it necessary (for your own safety & sanity), if you’re AFAB, to assume the worst & hope for the best¹ - I want to make it clear that I’m not invalidating anyone here, especially as someone who had to assume the same things. I’m using the word assume to mean that we didn’t know for certain every single man would be of this type, not that many men weren’t this type)

(¹ not to say men can’t be SAed by other men, or that queer SA doesn’t exist, because it does. I’m simply speaking from my experience here, & speaking to the binary white supremacist patriarchal society we’re trapped in, not trying to speak over folks with queer trauma or to invalidate other people who distrust men)

~~~~

Important Note: I marked this with a community label not because it involves trans people (especially trans fem folks & trans women), but because it explicitly includes sex mentions (having to do with touch starvation & social conditioning). I want to make that clear due to the transphobia online, even from trans masc folks / trans men. Trans woman & trans fem people are not inherently sexual or bad, & don’t need a ‘mature’/sexual warning label.

I am probably over-explaining here (all the clarifications above), but I’d rather over-explain than have someone take my post & words to support their transphobic rhetoric. I also want my fellow trans & queer people to feel seen and supported, as much as I am capable of.

Now, onto the pattern I’ve been noticing & starting to share with people.

~~~~

I was talking to my roommate (they/she) about their struggle with finding friends & romantic partners that last. They struggle to make & maintain friendships, & I’m trying to help when requested/desired.

She said “not to support transphobic rhetoric about being unable to escape your assigned gender at birth, but I feel like there’s a biological...something that makes me unable to connect with people the way I want to”. She struggles with sex addiction that she doesn’t want, & they were worried it was inescapable.

With other conversations we’ve had, and with my pattern recognition, I made a leap.

“It’s not biological, it’s social. It’s baked into our [United Statesian] culture.

It’s because [most] assigned-male people in our society aren’t allowed to have platonic affection. If you’re affectionate with men, you’re gay. If you’re affectionate with women, you wanna fuck her or you’re a pervert. Being assigned male means, especially to Christian men, that you crave sex and wouldn’t be affectionate with anyone of any gender if that wasn’t on your mind.”

Most men & AMAB people become sex addicted because it’s the only form of affection they’re allowed to have. They’re told they’re unmanly (a pussy, not a real man, etc.) if they want to be held or to cry, or accused of being gay for holding a man.

They’re affection starved, touch starved. They’re actually craving intimacy, which doesn’t have to be sexual.

That said, tying this back in to trans folks—

Trans women & trans feminine people, especially on HRT but post social transition too, are often pointed out (or even shamed) for having a “hoe phase”. The pattern I see is that this doesn’t just happen because they’re finally being sexualized as their true self, it’s also because they don’t tend to seek out platonic affection &/or don’t think they deserve any.

When I pointed out to my roommate & to another trans fem friend, they broke down crying.

“If I seek out platonic affection, I’m always called a pervert,” my roommate explained. “I don’t feel like I’m allowed to ask.”

I asked how long it’s been since they’ve been platonically held. They thought about it, then came back with something heartbreaking: “I was five. After that, my dad decided it wasn’t cute anymore. ‘That’s little kid shit’. I had affection and then it was ripped away from me.”

I suspect other trans fem folks & trans women have the same struggle. They didn’t get platonic affection at all, or had it ripped away from them at a young age. They were accused of wanting sex if they touched anyone at all. They were attacked with homophobic slurs (faggot, gay, etc. as slurs) or accused of being gay if they reached for a man. They were brushed off as immature, childish, or overly feminine if they wanted platonic affection.

I don’t believe this applies to everyone, but it’s a heartbreakingly high number.

I hope this helps someone like it helped my roommate. She now knows what she wants to search for, and they’re succeeding at finding connections that meet those needs. I hope you can find people who respect your need for affection & offer you platonic affection.

Just like cis women, y’all aren’t sexual toys or objects (without your consent, not kink shaming). You’re people, and your feelings do matter. (/sincere)

And to my fellow trans masc people & trans men, please offer affection to your trans fem friends (don’t force it obv). Let them know they deserve affection.

We can fight this together— we’re stronger together. 💜

#tw sex #tw sex mention #he/they #trans #trans community #transgender #trans fem #trans femme #trans feminine #trans masc #trans men #trans man #trans woman #f2m #f2x #m2f #m2x #sex addiction #touch starved

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matchesarelit · 8 months

Text

Imagine If You Will...

Attempting to make the most of your stay with your family friends despite the tension that is still lingering after 70 odd years.

This is the *Fluffy* Part 2 an obscenely long time after the other two parts, Fair warning although it gets quite cute, the beginning is a little angsty cause like Ambrose was a dick and needs to apologise so ya know...

P1 -- Angsty p2

WC: 1.9k

You gathered yourself, walking down the hall before striking your knuckles twice on his door. You were met with silence, yet just as you raised your clenched fist to knock again you heard from behind you;

“Hi”

"Ambrose..."

His name was simply all you could manage, the determination from mere seconds before had dripped away and settled in the grooves of the floor. Turning to meet his eyes, you allowed your arms to drop as dead weight to hang by your sides, every ounce of you tired from the hours of anticipation and dread.

The extended silence that hung in the air between the two of you felt unending, your eyes had all but glazed over in your trance. The sound of his footfalls was what alerted you mere milliseconds before you were crushed in his embrace, his head rested atop your own, tucking you into himself. There was no space, no air between the two of you, it was admittedly a not unwelcome change but it was cast in the shadows of the discussions that had to follow it.

The exhale that tumbled from his lungs turned into hurried kisses along the crown of your head, the small acts of affection wrought a funny familiarity, It had been almost a century since you conceded to yourself that you would never feel it again, and decades since you last allowed yourself to remember it. His embrace still felt the same, hauntingly, jarringly so, as if it was someone else's distant memory not your own that you were experiencing.

Despite the strange looming feelings the interaction was nothing near short, you clung to each other, fisting the clothes beneath splayed hands for near half an hour.

Pulling back you met his eyes, "It's been a while ey?" eyes falling over his form; "How has it been, being trapped inside?" he simply rolled his eyes as his hands sat on your hips, the warmth of his skin calming in the crisp autumn air, not to mention the scent that remained the same despite the decades that have passed. The smell is every memory, every adventure and experience you had shared, every whispered secret and playful scheme.

"Heaven how I missed you!" He gripped your sides tighter as he pulled you closer once again and spun the pair of you on the spot in the snug hallway. A sound, a mix of a quaint giggle and absurd snort erupted from your stomach at the shock of the movement. "Me too 'Ro. Can't say I expected such a warm welcome though..." you allowed your sentence to hang between the pair of you unfinished, knowing he was the only one who could answer the question you didn't ask. Gingerly, he placed you down on your own two feet, keeping one hand on your waist, he assured you were standing steady before he retreated his hand to rub the back of his neck.

His tone was sheepish as he started up again but his eyes never left yours, "I am so sorry, for... everything; for not listening to you or my aunties, for saying such harsh and untrue things to you. It was all lies and bullshit to make myself feel better about my idiotic decisions. I think I knew, back then, how stupid it was I-I just didn't want to admit I was wrong, that I could fall for such a imbecilic scheme." he ran a shaky hand down the length of his face. "I know how horrible the things I said to you were, and I can't imagine how hurt you must have been. I hate that I was so detestable while you were simply trying to help me and the things you were saying- I feel like I didn't even really hear them until you had left. please just know I am trying better these days, to listen to those around me, the people I care about..."

By the conclusion of his apology his posture had shrunken, his shoulders curling over. No matter ow appreciative of his apology you may have been seeing Ambrose shrinking in on himself was not something you could bare to watch so you moved silently to mirror his prior embrace, tucking his head into your chest. "Its okay Ro, I mean I was quite judgy. I could have bee-" he tugged himself away from you carefully before cupping your face in his hands. "No, please. There is nothing that you did, there was no part of this that was your fault and I cannot bare to think of you blaming yourself." His voice was hurried as he rushed through the words, but as he neared the end his voice changed, diminished into a tired whisper "So please, please just... don't." the final word was punctuated with a long kiss to your forehead, a tradition that was missed in the many years that had passed.

"Okay Ro, I won't, and thank you, truly, for your apology." You pull his head downwards so that his forehead rests on your own. "But now, please don't stress okay? We've lost enough time as it is" a sniffled hum did not satisfy as you pulled back, lifting his chin to force his eyes to meet your own as you raised a brow... "Seriously, Ambrose, let us not waste any more time. I forgive you, you daft idiot." Tugging his head down further you placed a kiss of your own to his forehead before stepping back. Clutching his hand in your own you tugged him towards his room eager to catch up on the years in-between.

Crashing onto the all too familiar cushions that lay always strewn across the floor, you struggled to pull your gaze from his form. In spite of spending over seventy years apart every spot and feature of his room remained the same, the only notable change lay in his presence, even while reclining in his own space he seemed to recede within himself. And yet reiterating your prior reassurance would surely be futile in the way of making him feel any more comfortable so you simply settled on acting as normal as you could manage.

"So... how is the coven fairing? I've heard your cousin is just as much trouble as we were in our day."

"Pssh, she is much worse than we could manage, but her intentions are better than ours were, much less trouble for troubles sake."

"Damn. speaking of trouble who took over after your uncle?" A dramatic and yet genuinely sour look came over his features as he spat out "Faustus Blackwood" as if the name itself was poisonous.

Your brows knitted together as did your lips as you pouted out an "Ew" Considering for a moment your next words were spoken in disbelief "Such a decision is inconceivable, what the what?"

"I agree my dear and yet..." his words trailed off for a moment before his enigmatic grin covered his face as it often did and he continued; "That was, of course, until Auntie Zelda took his position." His chest had puffed out at this point, clearly joyous to share the news. Your face was overtaken itself in a swarm of joy and outrage as you shot up from your seat as if determined to interrogate why Zelda had left that piece of major news out of your earlier conversation, this reaction of course only cause Ambrose's smile to grow impossibly wider.

A playful glare soon latched onto your features as you all but launched yourself into his arms, muttering out all sorts of childish insults in frustration as you pinched his cheeks, ending with a simple jibe of "Way to bury the lead Ro!"

Settling yourself on bringing the topic up later with the other Spellmans present you relented and tangled yourself alongside his limbs as you had done countless times, before you enquired instead as to his excursions after his house arrest had been lifted, at which point you were happily regaled with tales of dates, studies and adventures alongside his trouble-surrounded cousin.

Within what felt like a few moments, night had fallen and with it came the squealing of brakes and the scattering of gravel. Releasing a chuckle, you rose to your feet, lazily tugging Ambrose from the cushions and to your side as you started towards the foyer.

Only releasing his hand as you reached to tug open the door, glancing past the towering figure to the haphazardly parked car out front, you simply scoffed and cocked your head to the side. now looking up at the man if front of you as if confused by his lack of movement. Rocking back and forth on your heels you raised a mocking brow in his direction before jerking your head backwards into the house, all but inviting him in. Emphasis on the 'all but' as he remained stuck on the other side of the threshold. Sparing a glance to your side, you spotted Ambrose, his brows furrowed and his genuine confusion obvious as he looked between yourself and the blonde at the door.

Yet despite your gaze remaining on Ambrose you caught the briefest mutter of "bloody fuck" from the vamp, and turned your attention to him once again. "Well Spike, how was the casino? Lose all of our money already?"

An offended scoff fell from his lips as he fired back; "Course not love, Don't you trust me? Now come on, let's go inside ey?" drawing your face into a pinched expression you gazed to the sky in another bout of mocking consideration, you leave him hanging for an extended moment, until the sounds of the sisters entering the space drew all of your intention, apart from Ambrose who remained studying Spike who in turn met his gaze with a cocky wink.

It was almost laughable how fast the vampire's cocky and frustrated expression morphed into one of innocence as he greeted the women with flattery and kindness. It was just as you thought, the big softie was capable of not being a dick when it suited him best. Yet as soon as Hilda had invited him inside his smile briefly twisted into yet another one of his cockiest smirks as he shouldered past you.

"So you travel with our little one?"

"Yes, I am glad to say I do. And may I say thank you for lettin' me in. Someone was enjoying keeping me out in the cold."

"Troublesome as ever, I'm truthfully not surprised with all the chaos these two used to get into." Zelda mused as Hilda hummed in agreement;

"Always so cheeky these two"

Sharing a look with the man at your side as you rolled your eyes, you knocked your shoulder with his as you followed the other three from the door. Unsurprisingly Spike was arm in arm, flanked by both of the witches and that was pretty much how it remained from then on for the rest of the night as he regaled the women with adventures and stories of your travels, only pausing on occasion for your input as you lay, head resting on the shoulder of your old friend.

At that moment it felt as if no time had passed at all, and for tonight at least you wanted it to stay that way; complex feelings, bruised egos and ancient scars were an issue for tomorrow.

#ambrose spellman #angst #caos #caos imagine #ambrose spellman imagine #spike #platonic spike x reader #ambrose Spellman x reader #platonic fluff #romantic angst #btvs spike #Imagine if you will...

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