#also everyone convinced me that you automatically love all your family members. which is not true..

[tears-of-boredom]

I don't want to have a girlfriend because the examples or such relationships I've seen growing up always seemed kind of shallow. It never seemed like the couples actually shared their worries with each other. Always seemed like the significant other was a person you'd just kiss and cuddle from time to time. And it always seemed like only when you were "officially" someone's partner, that that's when the shallowness started. Seemed like the partner was just somebody you'd sometimes bring around your group of friends and kiss them on the cheek. I don't get the idea behind dating. So many people have said that they get into relationships before they even love the person. I don't understand the societal rules around relationships.

[dontexpectmuch]

hii, could u maybe write something about joining jude in the celebrations today and sometimes you get a little overwhelmed with big crowds so he’s protective of you and looks after you? 🥹

loud cheers and applause all around the place invaded your ears, the smell of smoke and beer, sweat and other liquids filled your nose as your eyes danced around the crowd in front of you. you coukd feel the sweat on your back roll down at times with how hot it was around you.

the sight if the crowd and fans slowly got smaller as the parade train rolled down the street. you and some other partners of the players were in the back, looking at the happy team with happiness bubbling inside of you as well.

the parade for the team just ended, everyone is on a high that they do not plan to come down of anytime soon, laughter and excitement are still present as if the day had just started. you knew that it would be like that, jude had told you this morning. and he also told you that he would be next to you if you ever felt overwhelmed, though you could not bring it over your heart to disturb this beautiful moment for him. you’d just suck it up for the time being and try to be as happy as possible for you boyfriend.

now, you were in the building where the next party would be held, a more intimate one with families and other staff members from the team. your eyes wander around the huge room, hoping to catch a glimpse of jude. while you are at it, you start to walk towards the buffet, wanting to grab something to drink because of the hot temperatures inside.

“¡chica! where have you been!” an excited voice behind you calls for you, making you turn around.

you are met with the sight of an excited eduardo, his smile so contagious that you can’t help but copy it. you feel relief wash over you as you see a familiar face, automatically moving closer to him.

“i was here and there, y’know.” shrugging, you smile at him while the two of you look around the room, the noise around you rising by the minute. “congratulations, by the way! all of you played amazing and truly deserve this!”

he smiles at you, loving the compliment coming from your mouth, “what can i say-“

“not everyone is blessed with such an amazing teammate like me, eh?”

you feel judes arm along your shoulders and how he pulls you closer against his chest, his voice is clear and loud, perhaps due to all the cheering that is still going around.

eduardo laughs, shaking his head and patting judes shoulder before he moves away, a new drink in his hand as he dances with another person.

“hi.” you turn around to face your boyfriend, his smile never leaving his face and eyes bright.

this sight alone makes your heart roar, suddenly everything else around you disappears in a buzz and you solely focus on him.

jude takes a sip from your water before he puts his arm back around your shoulder, “where have you been?”

“i was with the others, behind the team and all.” you tell him, head leaning back against his shoulder.

even though it was really hot inside and you would like to keep cool, no one could ever make you leave judes touch voluntarily, so you enjoy it while you can.

“how are you? everything okay?” you couldn’t see his face, as the two of you were looking ahead, though you knew that he was concerned about your well-being, making your heart flutter.

you could always feel his eyes on you, no matter where he was or where you were at, he always made sure to keep an eye on you to see if you were comfortable, which you really were. you tried to stay as calm as possible, even if you don’t enjoy large crowds, just to help jude have a good time during the celebrations.

“i’m fine, amor, really.” you take his hand into yours and lift it up to your mouth, gentle kisses feathering against his knuckles to convince him.

his eyes wander around the room, his teammates’ laughter and their cheers painting a bright smile on his face. with winning the league, creating a new environment for himself to gain the best experience ever and having you by his side to share all of this with, jude could not want to be in a better position than he is now.

now thinking of you, he genuinely hopes that you also had a nice time with him and the others, even though he wasn’t able to dedicate most of his time to you. but you seem content, relaxed smile on your lips as you also look around the room, comfortable sigh leaving you.

you push yourself off his shoulder to look at his eyes while your hand stays in his, “you should go and celebrate with them some more, show them how horribly you can dance.”

“ha, ha, ha.” jude rolls his eyes, but he can’t stop himself from smirking at your words, “as if you can dance any better.”

“in fact, i can.”

you hear him scoff, his hand slightly squeezing yours before his eyes turn serious, “babe, ‘m bein’ for real. as soon as you feel uncomfortable, you tell me and i’ll call mum. she’ll pick us up.”

this time you are the once to roll your eyes, even though you love it when he gets protective, you also want him to enjoy his time.

“lo sé, bebé. i will tell you, i promise.”

he opens his mouth to say something, but is interrupted when some of his friends call him to come and take a group picture together.

“i-“

“just go, i promise i will tell you when i need to go home, okay?” your reassurance makes him visibly relax, nodding his head at your words.

with one last kiss on your cheek he moves away quickly, the cheers around you once again rising as he joins the group.

yeah, he was your cute boyfriend that could not dance to safe his life, but he will also always be the one that will look after you no matter what, and you will be forever grateful to have him in your life.

———————————————————————

guess who’s back

[nanstgeorge]

“little garden” implications

starting to think that “little garden” = fandom elain and this was sjm’s way of subtly tackling how she has been reduced to her hobbies and overlooked by characters & the fandom for her traditionally feminine characteristics. this has even led some people to determine her possible endgames (ex; lucien and tamlin) for the series just because she likes gardening. not because she has expressed interest in them, but because she likes gardening so that automatically means she must end up with someone associated with flowers.

im not opposed to elain somehow taking over spring court or ending up with lucien (if the story convinces me lmao) but there’s an issue with sticking her there just because it seems like it works. like elain residing at spring court has been a popular fan theory since the beginning of the series but every book that has been released only seems to disprove it even more? she has never explicitly said she wanted to live there, even chosen a life for herself at night court, but fans and the inner circle just took this idea and ran.

“But Elain.... The Sprint Court had been made for someone like her.” (Nesta)

“Elain in black was ridiculous. Yes, she was beautiful, but the color of her long-sleeved, modest gown leeched the brightness from her face. It wore her, rather than the other way around. And he knew the cruelty of the Hewn City troubled her. But she hadn’t hesitated to come. When Feyre had offered to let her remain home, Elain had squared her shoulders and declared that she was a part of this court—and would do whatever was needed. So Elain had let her golden-brown hair down tonight, and pinned it back with twin combs of pearl. He’d never once in the two years he’d known her found Elain to be plain, but wearing black, no matter how much she claimed to be part of this court … It sucked the life from her.” (Cassian)

i’d say that it’s arguable whether or not nesta truly has an accurate depiction of elain now that we have a more in-depth portrait of nesta’s mind and childhood. of course this was not cultivated by nesta herself, with much help from her mother, but elain is still a child to nesta. a child who is a bartering tool between her and her disfigured dynamic with feyre. a child who is a reminder of her own insecurities. essentially, this quote from acosf sums it up, “nesta made her own choices, but our mother laid the ground work.”

“Elain is pleasant to look at, but she has no ambition. She does not dream beyond her garden and pretty clothes. She will be an asset on the marriage market for us one day, if that beauty holds, but it will be our own maneuverings, Nesta, not hers, that win us an advantageous match” (Mama Archeron)

“It doesn’t matter what I think. Go back to Feyre and your little garden.”

Elain, sweet and oblivious.

Elain was like a dog, loyal to whatever master kept her fed and in comfort.

But to let Elain involve herself, jeopardize her safety—

“Look who decided to grow claws after all. Maybe you’ll become interesting at last, Elain.”

“Always defending sweet, innocent Elain.”

Challenge filled each word. Challenge—from Elain, of all people.

Elain stepped closer, brown eyes wide. Undoubtedly wholly convinced of her own innocence, her innate goodness.

Elain had accepted his death as inevitable. She hadn’t bothered to fight for him, as if he hadn’t been worth the effort, precisely as Nesta knew she herself wasn’t worth the effort.

It was inevitable, Nesta supposed, stomach churning. She was the monster. Why shouldn’t the two of them band together and shove her out? Even if she’d foolishly believed that Elain had always seen every horrible part of her and decided to stick by her anyway.

now onto feyre, who has always had a softer but different opinion of elain. this doesn’t mean it’s accurate to how elain is or was, but it’s safe to say that this was an opinion that wasn’t stemmed out of their mother’s mind. this is not to villainize nesta, but merely explain how elain was never made out to only be a “pretty face” to feyre. but of course it’s important to remember that she isn’t scotch free for how she acted in their childhood.

It wasn’t that Elain was cruel. She wasn’t like Nesta, who had been born with a sneer on her face. Elain sometimes just … didn’t grasp things. It wasn’t meanness that kept her from offering to help; it simply never occurred to her that she might be capable of getting her hands dirty.

Perhaps buried it a bit, but she was generous, loving, and kind—a woman I found myself proud to know, to call sister.

Elain mouthed my name but kept cowering, kept her head down.

Elain, who had been gentle and sweet.

I had not painted in years at that point, had not dared spend the money on myself … But Elain had.

She had looked at that cottage with hope; I had looked at it with nothing but hatred. And I knew which one of us had been stronger.

“She loves her garden. Always loved growing things. Even when we were destitute, she managed to tend a little garden in the warmer months. And when—when our fortune returned, she took to tending and planting the most beautiful gardens you’ve ever seen. Even in Prythian. It drove the servants mad, because they were supposed to do the work and ladies were only meant to clip a rose here and there, but Elain would put on a hat and gloves and kneel in the dirt, weeding. She acted like a purebred lady in every regard but that.”

nesta and feyre both have two different feelings regarding elain but they are similar in that they both believe she needs to be protected. it’s pretty clear when elain reminds them of how they only thought of her trauma when it affected them.

“Elain was right. We’ve become so focused on how her trauma impacted us that we forget she was the one who experienced it.” (Feyre)

quite honestly, it’s the inner circle members who are aware of elain’s potential and look at her as not defenseless compared to her sisters. this of course makes it’s quite ironic that she’s used as “pawn” to get nesta to stick her neck out. moving on, it’s specifically azriel, who is someone she chose to create a bond with and probably knows her best. cassian also may be someone who considers elain to not truly belong to night court but does shift his opinion on her overall character.

“Including Elain, who is more than capable of defending herself against the darkness of the Trove, if she chooses to. Don’t underestimate her.” (Amren, oops)

“Nesta was wrong, Cassian realized, to think of Elain as loyal and loving as a dog. Elain saw every single thing Nesta had done, and understood why.” (Cassian)

“I think she’s kind, and I’ll take kindness over nastiness any day. But I also don’t think we’ve seen all she has to offer.” (Rhys)

rhysand is also someone who slowly begins to see elain in a different light as well as feyre by the end of the book. in fact, it takes rhys expressing his opinion of elain, as someone who didn’t grow up with her, for feyre to see things differently. it takes rhys, who brings back up the first description of elain in the series, for feyre to recollect another element of elain.

“It wasn’t meanness that kept her from offering to help; it simply never occurred to her that she might be capable of getting her hands dirty.” (Feyre, ACOTAR)

“Don’t forget that gardening often results in something pretty, but it involves getting one’s hands dirty along the way.” (Rhys, ACOSF Bonus)

“Have you ever seen Elain act like that before?”

“No. I mean, she’s been brave when she had to be, but she’s never been confrontational.”

“Maybe she’s never been given a chance to be that way.”

“You think I stifle her?”

“Not you alone. But I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d disappoint you all.”

in conclusion, elain is a character who’s journey is yet to be complete. the first real choice she had was to not hunt for the family but essentially, she’s been deprived of real choice and independence her entire life. besides being pretty and marrying well, not much has ever been expected of her until she left the garden of her childhood and planted her own. while she may have been turned against her will, elain found solace in dedicating her attention towards the garden in the archeron mansion, night court and all those who resided there. gardening and growing things is something she chose; not something that was inflicted upon her (such as a mating bond.)

elain does not belong somewhere or with someone because she gardens. we have seen countless times over that she can make her own place anywhere but she chose to make a home at night court.

[neverendingdream111]

GENSHIN IMPACT AS IDOLS

- one of the groups consists of: Zhongli, Childe, Venti, Xiao, Diluc, Kaeya and Albedo

- Zhongli is the leader and the oldest obvsly and his smooth deep voice is to die for

- He's also the visual along with Albedo (tho everyone here is gorgeous, ngl)

- Childe constantly switches between rap and vocal, but he's mostly recognized for his amazing dancing (he's the main dancer for a reason)

- Venti is the main vocal and possibly writes most of their songs (sometimes Albedo helps him)

- Funnily enough, Venti is often confused for being the maknae while in reality he's the second oldest in the group

- Xiao is the main rapper

- He refuses to sing but would do it if asked (rarely)

- and he's the real maknae - even tho he hates it he can't do anything about it (and everyone, especially Venti and Childe, loves teasing him for it)

- Diluc and Kaeya are the other rappers along with Xiao and they are related in some way tho both refuse to reveal anything to the public (but everyone is convinced they're brothers)

- they don't get along most of the time and argue constantly, but it only amuses the rest of the members and the fans absolutely love their arguments bc it more often than not turns into a rap battle

- and let me tell you, they completely kill it

- then, we have Albedo. He and Zhongli are the most peaceful ones and most likely keep the team together bc if not those idiots would've caused absolute chaos eons ago

- His voice is angelic, everyone adores it

- Childe and Kaeya are the most chaotic duo especially together

- they have the stupidest ideas and like to mess around

- and they are perfectly aware of their god-like looks and also have the audacity to use it "against" their fans (not that anyone complains)

- they are partners in crime when it comes to teasing Diluc

- Kaeya does it on a daily basis and Childe found it funny and decided to join him on causing inconvenience to others, lol

- Xiao, even though he's an idol, hates interacting with humans but makes an exception for fanmeetings, concerts, interviews and such because Zhongli raised him right--

- he has a soft spot for cats and would have one at the dorm if it wasn't for Venti being allergic to them (although he doesn't see any problem with it)

- speaking of the dorm, it's the pure definition of destruction

- Childe and Kaeya being the little shits they are room together and they are that kind of roommates that would blast music on full volume in the middle of the night just because they felt like it (but obvsly they do it to summon a demon in the form of sleep deprived Diluc because they know he's a light sleeper)

- Venti at some point moved in with them bc he felt like it and it's totally not because Xiao kicked him out--

- Zhongli and Diluc share a room because they both know how to appreciate a moment of peace and they just like each other's company; their perfect afternoon on their day off is sitting there with a cup of tea each and exchanging stories they've heard and/or experienced

- Albedo is probably the only person Xiao would room with excluding Zhongli (and maybe Diluc but it's debatable) because he's calm and collected, doesn't talk too much unlike the other three and when he does talk it's nice to listen to him

- also, the sound of sketching calms him down

- Venti somehow lives in all of the rooms in the dorm. First he roomed with Xiao and Albedo, but he got kicked out by the maknae. Then he gravitated towards Zhongli and Diluc but after a few days the redhead got so annoyed with him he ended up with Childe and Kaeya. The three of them share a braincell, that's why they get along so well, but even though he lives with them he sometimes ends up in the other rooms but that's just him

- he likes a change of scenery, ehe

- Zhongli's the dad of the group

- whenever someone has a problem they automatically go to him

- also, even though they are a really chaotic group, they are equally capable of working together (main reason why they are so goddamn awesome on stage)

- Xiao might act like he doesn't care but he does. A lot

- every time one of his hyungs is having a bad day he subtly tries to cheer them up. He feels awkward with words in these moments and physical contact isn't really his forte but instead he does things like buying them their favorite snack, or opting to watch their favorite film with them (even if he absolutely hates it he still would watch it)

- everyone obvsly knows what he's doing and they appreciate it

- Childe and Kaeya actually aren't as easy-going as they like to appear on stage. They are really emotional human beings and are probably most affected by hate comments and such

- Diluc, as much as he despises their attitude and teasing he has to endure bc of them, cares about them a lot and usually he's the one to knock some sense in them when they believe the haters or just have a bad day. He may not like their behavior but he's not heartless and deems them as family (even tho he wouldn't admit it)

- Albedo isn't a lot older than Xiao, maybe something around a few months, so everyone thinks of him like a second maknae and just because he gives off the vibe, y'know

- He loves drawing and sometimes does a sketch of one of the members or recreates a fanart of them he saw on Pinterest (cue to the fans going wild)

- He, alongside with Diluc, often cooks for them. They both are amazing cooks and I refuse to believe otherwise

- Venti has a playlist prepared for every occasion and uses them accordingly

- he also has playlists dedicated to every member of the group and it's his way of cheering them up or being there for them when they are separated

- as for the run episodes, well.... It can be described in one word

- chaos

- they're even capable of riling Zhongli up!

- tho he mostly opts to watch the chaos from the sidelines, snickering under his breath, he ends up in the crossfire from time to time

- contrary to popular belief, the most competitive ones are Diluc and Xiao

- they are so set on winning they sometimes forget that it's all a game

- Childe once got an elbow to the face in one episode but still no one knows who did it (it was Kaeya--)

- Albedo is just... There, tho he does enjoy it. More than he would admit

- Childe and Kaeya are dying of laughter most of the time and do stupid things that probably only they understand which makes the other laugh harder

- and Venti absolutely loves being the host: it gives him a perfect view of his friends who half the time have no idea what the hell is going on and, of course, power

- the fanmeetings are just the other excuse for them to make fun of each other and fool around

- fans don't mind it one bit because it is honestly hilarious to watch the utter chaos unfold

- even when they are signing albums and merch they throw comments here and there to provoke the other

- especially Xiao bc he's a softie when it comes to their fans and as long as the girls don't do anything... Weird, he doesn't mind interacting with them and sometimes finds himself actually enjoying the contact

- while we're on the fanmeetings--

- Zhongli is absolutely wonderful. He's the kind to delicately hold your hand, look into you eyes and smile softly while focusing entirely on you and what you have to say, indulging into conversation as well

- if it wasn't for the staff members reminding him that the time's up, he would spend at least an hour with every fan

- Childe is so excited he grins so much his cheeks hurt, and would look at you like you just made his day. You can be stuttering, super nervous and anxious and he'd just say it's completely fine and that you should take your time, even if the staff says that you should move to the next member

- Venti is the one that talks a lot, but would shut up and listen to you. He especially likes playing with your hands or just some games like rock-paper-scissors

- he also loves it when some fans show him their singing and he encourages them to go on, synchronizing with them and making an amazing duet

- Xiao is, like I've said before, a big softie. He really appreciates the fact that people find their music nice and genuinely like to listen to it. Would probably ask you questions like "what's your favorite song?", "What do you think of this album *gestures to the one he just signed*" etc

- he DID wear cat ears once because a fan gave them to him and they looked kind of cute

- he didn't hear the end of it for two weeks minimum and Childe and Kaeya probably have the pic as their wallpapers

- Diluc is the most... normal one? I mean, he enjoys the meetings a lot, but he doesn't show his excitement as much as the others. Conversations with him are like talking to an old friend that understands you and it's just so... wholesome

- he's honestly surprised when he gets gifts from the fans. He does appreciate it of course, but he just doesn't really understand why you would go as far as to give him something for no particular reason please give him lots of love he needs it-

- Kaeya is the one with the audacity to flirt with you. Loves seeing the blush on your cheeks and just enjoys annoying people. Though he sometimes stops it out of mercy and opts to talk with you like a normal human being--

- most protective of their fans. Sees one in distress or being picked on, immediatly steps in or tells a staff member to handle the situation

- Albedo is somewhere between Zhongli and Diluc's behaviour tbh. He's really sweet, loves talking to the fans and gets super excited whenever one of them shows him a fanart - especially if it's an original idea

- now let's get to the best part

- as lovely and peaceful as they are on a daily basis, they turn into freakin devils on stage

- kind grandpa with a calming voice? Who's that? A goddamn satan entered the chat

- ooooh, the cat lover? Sorry, we only have a mf demon available

- don't even get me started on the Childe-Kaeya-Diluc trio--

- all in all, they may be annoying each other night and day but they still love one another like family and their bond only strengthens when they stand in the spotlight

I had this idea today and, well, it turned out like this, hope you enjoyed! I also may be doing some sort of continuation to this with Xingqiu, Chongyun, Razor and Bennett as a trainee idol group so let me know if you'd like something like this and if you have any ideas for other groups!

02.05.21

~Nana

[dysphxtric]

Mental Illness - My Mental Health Story

TW: Depression, Anxiety, Self harm, Suicide, Sexual Harassment

“You should smile more.”

“It could be worse.”

“Just don’t think about it.”

These were the phrases I heard throughout all of my elementary and high school years. There was never a time when my peers and teachers, would not mention some bizarre, ignorant statement revolving around mental health. Not to mention, my family also contributed heavily to the stigmatization of mental health issues. Essentially, my family approached the subject of mental health with extreme hesitation, they refused to talk about how it affects people of all age, gender, ethical background (etc.) Every time I would say “I’m feeling lost” my family would automatically dismiss my frantic worries and it was not any different when I went to school. My peers would continuously remind me that my pain was not valid and that I need to stop being so sensitive. My primary parental figures, my mother and brother did not have the adequate knowledge or tools to be able to hold space for me. I would frequently hear my mom say, “I could understand someone suffering from PTSD feeling upset or sad but you’re so young and healthy honey, you have nothing to worry about” or the old classic “Someone else has it worse than you”. Whether I was at home or at school, I heard the same ignorant statements spewing out from what felt like everyone. And I could never comprehend what was the point of these falsely “encouraging” statements and why profusely use them? These kinds of statements do not uplift, nor do they empower those struggling with mental health issues, if anything it makes it extremely debilitating when your emotions are not acknowledged nor validated. One cannot expect to simply brush away another person’s emotion, thought or feeling as though it means nothing.

With that being said, growing up, I lived in a dysfunctional household alongside my mother, my older brother, and my grandmother. My mother would always be juggling work, schooling, and her dating life. My brother was very reluctant about staying home so he would always vanish after school, hang out with friends, party hard and engage with various street substances. Now my grandmother? It was not long after she immigrated that she began to immerse herself within the Jehovah’s Witnesses ideology and “religiously” strayed away from us as my mother likes to say. My mother was never fond of religious practices that were not “orthodox”. My grandmother wanted to indoctrinate my mom, brother, and I into joining her religious little club but failed which resulted in countless fights, yelling matches, and multiple dents left in our walls. The back and forth with the yelling was what scared me most in my childhood even if it was over something as small as not closing the cabinet door. I think it was around this time period I experienced violence/ trauma at home and truth be told I was extremely stressed and anxious all the time as a kid. My mother would cover the punched indents by taking magazines and sticking pages onto the indent. Often times my stomach would turn as I looked at the pages covering the area where my brother punched the wall with brutal force. Moreover, I felt impending sadness because all I ever wanted was for everyone in my family to be able coexist and not argue. I was trying to keep the peace between everyone, yet I was always the one that got caught in the middle of everything whether I liked it or not. I would get blamed a lot for trying to mend things for everyone. Even though all I wanted was the best for all my family members.

Fast forward to my pre-teen/ teenage years. By this point, my brother and grandmother were no longer living under the same roof as my mother and I. My brother was living with his ex-girlfriend while working as a security guard meanwhile my grandmother was living in her own little subsidized apartment preaching the word of Jehovah. At that particular time, my mother and I lived in a marvellous urban semi-detached house in a peaceful neighbourhood. My mother’s boyfriend had moved in with us and for the most part I was really happy because at least it was not just me and her.

My mother’s boyfriend lived with us while I was going to school. He was a really nice, caring and warm-hearted individual although I could never understand why my mother argued with him so much. I once told him “You should propose to her, I can see you two together forever” to which he replied with a welcoming smile.

But eventually just like with all good things, there comes an end. The inevitable breakup my mom went through was very bitter and I had to be there for her. Afterall, I was technically the only child that was around to emotionally comfort her. Ironically, the breakup occurred during the time I was being bullied in school. And it was difficult to be fully present for my mother while dealing with a lot of negativity at school. I had been experiencing cyber bullying on MSN by a bunch of peers calling me “weird”, “ugly” and “different”. To make matters worse, the group of kids that bullied me online ended up following me everywhere I went for recess which posed as a big obstacle for my well being. I had to eat inside the portables when teachers weren’t around or inside the girl’s bathroom stall just to avoid being teased. I never felt like I had a safe space to myself where I could be vulnerable and open up. Not to mention, it was a difficult time and there was practically no one I could confide in. I didn’t have a social circle of supportive friends, after all I was an antisocial person. Fear washed over me as I worried about disclosing my unpleasant experience to my mother because she was already dealing with so much, the heartbreak, the bills, work problems (etc.), it was then and there that I decided to lie instead of telling the truth. Ultimately, lying became my cooping mechanism to deal with the ongoing pain.

I kept up the lying for a long time in order to make it seem like everything was okay. I lied to everyone from family members to school peers to the teaching staff to principals to counselors.

For the longest time, lying sheltered me from all sorts of unnecessary questions. No one could really tell whether I was truthful or disloyal because I was able to make it sound believable. When I was a teenager, I continued to go down the same destructive path by being dishonest with myself and others. Many times, the thought of suicide crossed my mind and when I started to think about it and plan/coordinate the intricate details it did not hit me that something was very wrong, and I needed urgent help. A big part of the problem was that I was so used to downplaying my pain, given my family circumstance and stigmatization I experienced growing up with. There is no denying that I would engage in negative self talk convincing myself that I deserved the pain and suffering for not being likeable enough or for not being smart enough.

Sometimes I think that is the thing… people do not understand that I lied because that was what I was required to do in order to survive my childhood. I, myself do not tolerate lying and I think it is a form of betrayal and if I were to be completely honest, I would have NEVER lied to my mom had it been safe for me to express myself authentically in my household.

I did not live in a household where it was safe to speak my mind freely and disagree with my mother. Disagreeing was always the last thing I wanted to do, disagreeing meant I got the belt, my devices would get confiscated or that I was going to get grounded. They say, “Honesty is the best policy” and I do not disagree however, it is not as black and white as one may think. In my situation, lying was not only an adaptive coping mechanism but it became a survival mechanism to keep me safe from harm/threat.

I did not have very much individuality growing up. I felt as though having an opinion of my own was bad. In order to perpetuate this fixated mindset that I had, my mother constantly deemed certain attributed behaviours or thoughts as “good” or “bad”. So, say you were upset about a recent breakup with your partner, my mother would scoff and say, “You know life isn’t just about love right?” and play it like it means nothing to the person affected by the situation.

The first time I ever felt depressed was when I was 13. At that age I did not understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. All I knew was that there was something wrong with me. It did not help when I was being picked on by my classmates telling me “Go die”, “You belong in a ditch ugly bitch.”

The moment when things started getting out of hand was when I was first started my Art and Family Studies class in the same semester. In both classes I was placed into groups amongst other students. In Family Studies I had to be in a collaborative group that would divide responsibilities and tasks accordingly. When it came to cooking, my group consisted of four snobby, rich yet immature peers who were unwilling to help and contribute in any shape or form, I had to become the bigger person and sure enough I took all the responsibilities on myself. Though, it was not a smart move. But I was super shy and felt anxious to do anything different least to say speak up and advocate for myself, so I did what I had to do which was prepare meals, clean, and wash the dishes. At the end of the day, none of my peers thanked me, the only thank you I got was getting groped while washing the dishes and getting laughed at.

After what happened I ran to my best friend in tears to tell her what happened just to find her say “It’s not that bad, you’ll be fine” I felt like my blood was going to boil and I was about to start fuming. I stood thinking “Huh, that is so weird, is this how you comfort a person after being sexually harassed?”

Not to sound all grim but that experience showed me that no one really cared about me. No one cared that I got groped or how I felt in that moment. Let alone not even my “best friend” who was supposed to fulfill her role and be there for me. All I wanted was comfort and to be heard out. I could not even tell my mother about this experience until I turned 21 because of how ashamed I felt carrying around that experience and not having the ability to open up and mourn what happened that day and to be able to heal that damaged part of myself. I carried that incident with me for 7 years in silence because I was scared of being honest.

That specific experience was very detrimental to my mental health. Everything began to spiral out of control, I sprawled into a dark depressive state. I began to have intense panic attacks, insomnia, forgetfulness (etc.) After a certain duration of time, I had thoughts of suicide lingering at the back of my head. I questioned my worth, my identity, my culture, my everything.

The bullying and name calling persisted and became so intense that I ended up missing weeks of school time. Some of the boys in my Art class found it funny to make fun of my last name and call me “Prostitute”.

One day in the early springtime, my Art teacher noticed the marks on my wrists as I was painting and had not said anything until I made it to my last period class. I was called down to the guidance counselors office and was interrogated with questions.

“It has come to our concern that one of the staff members noticed cuts on your arms.”

I sat in silence trying hard to contain my anxiety.

“Are you struggling with depression or low mood? Is everything okay at home?”

It came to the point when I got so tired of lying about my pain that I admitted “Yes, I am struggling, I need help”. I dived into the bullying occurrences, the cat calling, my low grades, my self-esteem, the groping, my home situation (etc). After that, I was told that my mother would have to be called down to the school for “safety” reasons even though my counselor promised not to disclose any personal information to my mother. My greatest fear was that I did not want my mom to know that something was wrong.

Of course, my mom came to my school. She was told everything that had happened. I met her at the counselor’s office just to find her wailing in distress “You are such an embarrassment” and “Your counselor told me what you did, how could you do this?”. When the counselor gave us resources for help, my mother grabbed the papers and shoved them into the trash, got up and yanked me out the office.

The next three days that followed, my mother withdrew into her room not saying a word to me. I felt really uneasy and upset. She had her right to be alone but locking herself away from me and avoiding communication altogether? Didn’t make much sense.

I felt extremely guilty for not opening up to my mother sooner. But instead of choosing to be compassionate and caring she chose to resort to anger. She furiously blamed me for being “quiet” and “not trustful” which all landed on my shoulders again. It was “my” fault I thought.

Bottling this up resulted in a full-blown mental breakdown. I could not focus or concentrate because of everything building up. It came to the point where my mom had to choose between living in a toxic community or starting fresh elsewhere.

And even though my mother kept subjecting me to her harmful stigmatizations, the transition from my old school to my new one helped me greatly. When we moved away, I gradually started to feel better emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Very quickly, I ended up adapting to my new high school where I finally made friends.

One thing I cannot deny is that there definitely was a silver lining to all of this. Although I went through severe bullying and torment at school and home, I managed to reclaim my power and through that I discovered my inner peace after being extracted from my toxic high school. The new school that I ended up attending completely changed me and inspired me to become a more authentic version of myself. It was almost as though I did a complete 180°

My new peers and teachers were enthusiastic, open-minded and caring. The new community I was surrounding myself in was a very positive one that broke down stigmas and encouraged deep understanding and acceptance. My mind was blown when I found that it was easier to conversate with girls and guys at my new school, I was gradually becoming confident and more vocal, and I liked the feeling of not hiding myself away from the world. It felt rejuvenating to finally be heard and seen by others.

Slowly but surely, I began to partake in various activities at my school. I joined the Poetry Club which I would have never considered joining had I stayed back in my old school due to fear of how I was perceived. Ultimately, I started caring and nurturing myself more. My new friends supported me, and teachers began to openly listen to my stories and encouraged me to write. When I started writing, I realized that I could use this medium to cope with my depression and anxiety. The acknowledgment made a major difference in my life like never before.

If it were not for the transition from my old high school, I would have not made progress in developing into the woman I am today. I know that I am not my pain, I am not my mistakes.

Do I still struggle and have bad days? Yes, of course. Just like any human being I have my days when I am not feeling the greatest however, I am more open to learning about how to engage with my mind, body and soul in order to soothe myself during turbulent times. I still have that inner critic however, I have been engaging with activities such as bike riding, painting, drawing, and reading to help occupy my mind which as a result has reduced the time that I spend ruminating. Occupying myself has worked magic, I am now able to reduce and control how much time I spend self-loathing, criticizing, and judging myself. Rather than judging every thought, I’ve learned to slow down and observe.

If you stuck along until the end of my story, I want to thank you for reading through my experience. My hope is that my story can shed some light on the myths and stigmas surrounding mental health, especially within the Eastern European community. I want you all to know that you are ALL valid and I wanted to be able to share my story so that my readers know that they are not alone.

[fruitlicense]

I have a theory about one of the reasons why Lupin left Tonks in Deathly Hallows - if you look at his past, Remus Lupin has never really learned to live without moving or running, so when the chance comes to settle in one place, he doesn’t quite know how to cope.

We start with when he’s bitten by Fenrir Greyback. Remus was just under five years old, so this is effectively the beginning of his life besides some hazy childhood memories. He’s a werewolf now, which he has to keep secret, so his life can never really be “normal” again. He and his parents move a lot, because they can’t let anyone close enough to find out. Remus’ early childhood is marked by movement and secrets, because if he’s not literally moving homes, he’s moving around the people he knows, eventually avoiding them altogether by becoming homeschooled.

When Remus goes to Hogwarts, he’s not moving as much in a literal sense, since Gryffindor Tower is kind of his home base now. However, he’s still sitting on a secret that’s a little too big for him, and as a result, he’s moving around his roommates, trying to balance being friends and keeping them in the dark. This is a constant for him - he can’t take a break from hiding his lycanthropy. It’s always in the back of his mind.

When the Marauders find out, I think it’s interesting that their acceptance is characterized by their willingness and ability to “run” with Remus in a sense. Part of their friendship is being the school pranksters, going out on secret missions with the cloak and Map to help them stay steps ahead of everyone else and run or hide if they need to. When they become Animagi, they literally change themselves to keep up with Remus as he runs. They’ve stayed by his side as a human, running around together to cause mischief, and now they can keep pace with him as the wolf as well. Their willingness to change something as intrinsic as the ways they move shows how much the Marauders care about Remus and about each other in general.

When school ends, the war hits, and Remus joins the Order of the Phoenix, the moving, running, and hiding become more literal and more pervasive in his life. He’s part of an illegal underground organization that’s fighting a supremacist terror group, and his colleagues are getting murdered around him. Post-graduation for him isn’t a time to go to college, find a job, or find a more permanent place to live. He’s fighting Death Eaters, jumping from safe house to safe house, and dropping off the grid for long periods of time to live amongst the werewolves (presumably - I don’t have much canon basis for all of this beyond what we know of the second Order and assuming it functions much like the first). As a marginalized group, the other werewolves don’t have jobs or homes either. The nature of the way their condition is treated in the wizarding world means that they always have to keep moving, or else risk injury, imprisonment, and/or death. At this point in Remus' life,  the rule is keep moving and keep your secrets or die. Settling in one place is a death sentence, as the Potters find out.

After Voldemort is defeated the first time, Remus has to deal with the fallout of the war and what it did to his friends and family, and he also has to deal with trying to create a life for himself. His demons have increased in number - he’s not just running from his wolfish side now. He’s got the ghosts of James, Lily, and Peter to reckon with, as well as the specter of Sirius Black. He has to keep moving from job to job and place to place, not only because his lycanthropy means long-term employment is hard to find and requires him to find safe places to transform, but also because he doesn’t want his guilt and grief to catch up to him. We can assume that he doesn’t have a steady income or place to stay during this time, and it’s very likely that he has been homeless for periods of time. When Dumbledore finds him in that cottage in Yorkshire, the way it’s described - “tumbledown,” “semi-derelict” - makes me wonder if it’s a squat instead of a home, and Dumbledore just catches him at a short stopping point.

When Remus returns to Hogwarts, he’s again in one physical place, but he’s still moving a lot. He’s hiding his lycanthropy from the students and possibly some/most of the staff, so his personal life is still full of secrets. In addition, his job as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor doesn’t really lend itself to a calm career. He’s teaching his students about defensive spells and Dark creatures, and since a lot of his qualifications probably come from his experience of the first war, his daily routine is permanently linked to his trauma. Most importantly, he’s also hiding a lot of his history from Harry, because the central threat in Prisoner of Azkaban is tied directly to his backstory. He’s still moving around in a more figurative way, trying not to stay still long enough for someone to pick up on his patterns and expose him. When his secrets catch up to him, he becomes more erratic, forgetting his Wolfsbane Potion and expressing willingness to kill Peter Pettigrew without a second thought, a departure from his usual cool-headedness. He’s back in the mindset of the war, dropping everything at signs of danger and covering his tracks to move on to a new place, and Sirius, now an ally and friend once again, is keeping pace with him. “Together?” “I think so.”

When Snape exposes Remus’ lycanthropy to the school, he has to start moving again. We don’t know where he is between leaving Hogwarts and joining the Order again once it gets restarted, but we can infer that he probably experiences another year of itinerant living as he jumps from job to job and place to place. When he does “settle” (comparatively), he comes back to Grimmauld Place, but he’s clearly in a war mindset once again, and half the time he’s on missions and not even present in the house. Just because he’s apparently the Order member most frequently there with Sirius doesn’t mean that he’s present all that much, because Sirius can’t keep pace with him anymore. He’s being blocked by Dumbledore and is physically and emotionally stagnant while under house arrest, and we know by now that Remus must always keep moving to survive.

Order of the Phoenix is a turning point for Remus. With Sirius’ death, he finally outpaces his childhood - the last person who he was close to as a young man is now dead. Remus is effectively the last living Marauder (at this point, I would argue that Peter Pettigrew’s betrayal has removed him from Remus’ list of people he cares about and who care for him). It’s also when he meets Tonks, and their relationship grows from one of coworkers to friends to lovers in unseen scenes during and between Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince. She’s kind of a weird choice if you’re picking someone to sort of settle Remus and slow his pace, since I wouldn’t describe her as mellow exactly, but the fact of the matter is that Remus’ growing relationship with Tonks is an obstacle to his habit of movement. She keeps pace with him at first as a colleague/friend like the Marauders did, but her pace changes with her feelings, and she wants Remus to slow down with her. Tonks is stubborn and adamant about what she feels, and in her outburst after Bill Weasley is attacked by Fenrir Greyback, we see that she’s not willing to let Remus try to breeze past his feelings for her. She plants herself right in the middle of his path, and he’s forced to either stop or destroy her as he tries to push past.

Here’s the thing - Remus doesn’t want to stop moving, and we see him resist it, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to slow down. If we parallel his habit of movement with his lycanthropy (since they’re already linked), we can infer that just as being a werewolf has left him scarred and in pain, constant movement takes a toll on him. Just because he’s lived this way his whole life doesn’t automatically make it healthy. The secrecy and isolation don’t make him happy, and they are directly tied to how much faster he’s moving compared to everyone else - trying to outpace the ghosts. Tonks, in directly blocking his path, is essentially staging an intervention to bring him back to a speed that his loved ones can keep up with. He still has her, Harry, and the Order, just as long as he stops trying to convince himself he’s better off alone and outrunning the dead.

The problem with this is that, as physics tells us, it’s not easy to stop an object that has had a set path of motion for most of its existence. Remus isn’t used to slowing or stopping, and he’s antsy to run again. The things he’s been trying to avoid catch up to him - self-doubt and self-hatred about his lycanthropy and its effects on his life, the need for adrenaline and movement that the wars have acclimated him to. When he feels like it’s all too much to handle, he falls back into his old track of movement in a hunt for something known and familiar. Even Harry notices this, comparing Remus to Sirius and accusing them both of wanting to be daredevils. Remus is trying to get back to the pace he ran at with the Marauders, but Harry argues that that’s not the pace Remus’ family needs him to be at. 

The only way for Remus to be content is to copy what Tonks showed him how to do - stand his ground and face the ghosts head-on. He has to go back home and learn to live a slower life if he wants to have a family, and he does want that. When asked what he would say to Harry on Potterwatch, he makes it clear that he is thankful for Harry’s intervention, and his later joy at Teddy’s birth is infectious. He fucks it all up initially, but Remus does eventually come to the understanding that the way he was living - constantly moving to stay ahead of his secrets and regret - wasn’t sustainable. He’s willing to try, and I only wish we’d gotten to see the just-barely-a-month he got to slow down with Teddy and Tonks.

The Battle of Hogwarts, in a way, proves my point about movement. Remus is forced to drag himself out of family life and back into the mindset of the war, and in a very Marauder-like impulse, Tonks decides to join him at his pace this time. I won’t say they doomed themselves, because the battle required them to exist at the pace of war, and they didn’t have a choice if they wanted to keep their loved ones safe. However, it is undeniable that it is the running that killed them. The movement of war is deadly, and this time, it hit the people we were wishing the most to escape it.

TLDR: Remus Lupin has lived his whole life trying to outrun his personal demons, and his behavior at Grimmauld Place in Deathly Hallows was a deeply shitty reaction to feeling out of his depth when living a slower life.

Sources:

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/remus-lupin 

https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/werewolves

(Sorry this is so messy! I was excited to write it and put it on paper as if I was speaking it in a sort of tangled stream of consciousness. I hope I got my point across okay!)

[positivlyfocused]

How To Enjoy The One Thing That Overcomes Split Energy

A common experience among newer Positively Focused clients is “split energy”. Here’s why resolving split energy is not only important, it can be a joyful process and create a life worth loving.

But first, let’s look at what split energy is, why it happens and why so many people don’t know about split energy and thus struggle with it.

What is split energy?

Split energy happens when belief and desire conflict with one another. It can also happen when a person stands in two conflicting belief constellations.

For example, some of my clients want to believe the idea that “you create your reality” leads to a heaven-on-earth life. But beliefs such as “there is an objective reality beyond human control” conflict with that.

Another example: many people want lives where money isn’t an issue, or where they have lots of money. At the same time though, they believe “money doesn’t grow on trees” or “the only way I can get income is through a job”, or “debt is just a fact of life”. These beliefs conflict with a life where money is plentiful. The conflict creates split energy, which feels like confusion, anxiety, uncertainty, or feeling emotionally stuck.

My mentor adds an awesome perspective:

Continuing to tell stories of shortage only continues to contradict your desire for abundance, and you cannot have it both ways: You cannot focus upon unwanted and receive wanted. You cannot focus upon stories about money that make you feel uncomfortable and allow into your experience what makes you feel comfortable. A different story will bring different results: My thoughts are the basis for the attraction of all things that I consider to be good, which includes enough money, and health, for my comfort and joy.

– Abraham

To summarize: Split energy happens when a person wants something, but doesn’t believe it is possible. Or when past beliefs conflict with a desire.

^^Split energy means having a foot in beliefs that conflict with other beliefs or desires. Split energy often feels like confusion, uncertainty and anxiety. (Photo by Sherise VD on Unsplash)

Why it’s a struggle

Many people struggle with split energy while not knowing they’re struggling, which is why split energy is a struggle. They think negative emotions indicating split energy – confusion, feeling uncertain, anxiety, insecurity – are just parts of life.

But life is supposed to be fun, easy and filled with self-fulfilling desires. Actually, that’s what’s happening all the time, even for someone with split energy.

A person with split energy, however, creates over and over, realities containing and reflecting back to them the combination of their split energy. That’s why nothing seems to change for the person, or why things change, but often stay the same or get worse.

In other words, life SUCKS when split energy dominates. 🙄

It’s more common than you think

Many popular communities generate split energy situations among their members. Religions are a major culprit. Religions as sometimes practiced, contradict beliefs that are normal, wholesome and good. But some people in these organizations create split energy when their natural, normal, wholesome desires contradict religious doctrine.

For example, a person who finds transgender women attractive, but who also is Christian or Jewish might struggle with religious beliefs contradicting their desires. Their religious upbringing keeps them feeling unworthy, fearful, in shame, and in self reproach because religious teachings do not allow or agree that certain desires are natural, normal, wholesome and good.

You are god in a human body

Another example: it’s very difficult for a Christian or a Jew, for example, to believe they are God in a human body creating reality as they move through life. Creating reality is God’s job, religions say. Many also claim a HUGE gap exists between “being human” and “God”. So human thinking they're God borders on blasphemy!

It’s also difficult for some Christians to accept that they can fulfill all their desires themselves, especially desires Christianity tells them are sinful or bad or will send them to hell.

^^A major source of split energy are religions combined with an authentic self at odds with religious doctrine. (Photo by Dejan Livančić on Unsplash)

I know some people practicing religious-inspired beliefs do not have that experience. So I’m not saying that religion is bad across-the-board. If you are a believer, a Christian or a Jew, or whatever, and you’re happy, then enjoy your happy life. 😌

People do come to me though from these communities seeking what I offer: freedom from struggle, emotional and physical pain, anguish sometimes and even fear and hopelessness born of split energy generated from their desires conflicting with their religious beliefs.

Clients brought up in religion literally have one foot in their religious beliefs, and another foot testing the waters of something they know holds promise. They want to be Positively Focused.

But their old beliefs, their dominant, practiced ways of being, learned through their religion, conflict with what they feel: that they are an eternal, enlightened, God in human form.

Other split energy sources

Religion isn’t the only source that can create split energy. Beliefs adopted from one’s parents or one’s culture often contradict the Positively Focused approach, or what some of my clients affectionately call the “perrydigm” 😌.

One of my client’s parents, for example, raised her to believe a woman must serve her family to the exclusion of her own desires. She is a powerful woman and is embracing her Positively Focused approach with relish. As a result she is moving quickly through soothing these old beliefs, as these text conversations illustrate.

And yet she finds it fascinating how much her old beliefs cause resistance in her which feels like a “struggle” to her. Her old beliefs tell her being Positively Focused and serving her own selfish desires is bad and wrong. When in fact there’s no better way to be than Positively Focused and selfishly pursuing one’s desires.

Why selfishness is good

Putting both feet in the Positively Focused camp results in maximum connection to one’s Broader Perspective. It is that maximum connection that allows all that one desires effortlessly into one’s life.

It creates joyful, exuberant lives, as Positively Focused people see their lives shaping to new beliefs, morphing from the old beliefs and creating Charmed Lives.

Charmed Lives lead to self love. And when one loves oneself, it is simple, easy, and joyful loving others. Being selfish you become the most generous person anyone knows, because you see others as reflections of yourself, which they are.

Integrating one’s beliefs so that they all reflect a Positively Focused perspective creates wonderful epiphanies, seemingly amazing coincidences. Clear indisputable manifestations are so convincing, they are undeniable. And in that undeniability one releases resistance born of bogus beliefs.

Joyful non-resistance

Releasing resistance, the Positively Focused person uncovers natural joy. That joy is godliness, the God in human form everyone is.

So, the more one stands with both feet in the Positively Focused camp, the more Charmed their life becomes. All my clients experience this to one degree or another.

While the “perrydigm” is a cute play on my name and what I offer, my client’s desire, however weak or strong, moves the Universe in their favor. Not me.

The Universe stands ready to deliver to anyone life consistent with their godliness, their worthiness, their natural connection to joyful being.

Everyone experiences joyful lives. Bogus beliefs mask that experience. Split energy results. Cleaning that up starts from a clear desire for joy. The rest happens automatically.

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET S3 EPISODE 1 + 2 RECAP!

Yayyy! Season 3! Finally! I’m hoping this season will make me understand/sympathise with Akito and maybe even Shigure a little bit more because... honestly? My opinions on episode 2?... I might get some flack for my opinions on them...  😬

But, first: I’d like to appreciate how on the Funimation app we got a little interview/message from a few of the english dub VAs! Specifically Colleen Clinkenbeard, Jerry Jewell, Eric Vale, Ian Sinclair and Brina Palencia (Akito, Kyo, Yuki, Kureno and Isuzu). And it was nice seeing some of their opinions of the characters they play and how much they’re emotionally invested in the story. (Ian’s such a nerd ‘I wanna see giant mechs later this season’ 😂 - I lowkey stan him lol)

You should definitely check it out if you’re interested in what they would have to say!

ANYWAYS, let’s get into it...

---------------------------------------------------------------

EPISODE 1

I really love this depiction of the original zodiac and how you can just tell from the tone of the scene how desperately the God of the Zodiac was clinging on to these connections that they had with the participants in the banquet. How much they clung on to and loved the cat... Also, interesting how Tohru’s narrating this scene... almost like she can relate to the desperation of wanting to keep things the same... but we’ll get to that later. But also, Tohru is a God

This new opening is beautiful, I love the way that camera moves around the still illustrations and how the general tone just hammers down that... this season is gonna be some real shit lol (which makes me nervous for the opening for the second half 😳). It’s so warped and the general blue, grey and black tone that follows around every Akito scene we get in the anime has bled into every scene in this opening concerning the rest of the zodiac. Almost... like something is decaying. It’s great, it’s just very sad lol. I love the song tho, issa bop.

One of my favourite things in stories is when we get a bigger villain than the ‘pronounced’ villain of the story. Ren’s introduction through a manicured outstretched hand towards Kureno and Hatori is so weirdly gross in what it insinuates (especially when you apply her connection with Shigure) but again... I wanna know why she’s such an asshole to Akito specifically besides the bad mental health management within the Sohma compound. I have an inkling of what it is through memory of the manga, but like Akito and Shigure... I just wanna understand why.

Also, Ren is gorgeous and I’m sorry for simping. 

I mean... she’s kinda got a point? She just didn’t need to be so mean about it lol. It’s pretty clear that the connection the zodiac have to each other is real and something they cannot control. BUT, wouldn’t it be easier if this connection wasn’t perpetuated by outer circles of the family and if Akito herself wasn’t so cruel about it? But, I guess Akito - through her relationship with her mother - kinda doesn’t know how to genuinely show love and affection. (Which brings me into my thoughts of how the manga ends and how I kinda... have a few problems with it which I will get to... when that comes lol)

Lol - weeeeeeeee! (flashes back to Tohru being yeeted into the river). Is this a part of Akito’s god-like powers?!

Again. She’s got a point! They’ve both got a point. But, they’re both the source of the problem. It’s really painful to see two mentally ill people duke it out. This whole institution is just rotten.

- I am super curious about what Akira’s relationship was like with the zodiac and if it was just as dark. I’m gonna assume it slightly already was, as the exclusion and degradation of the cat curse is already dark in itself but maybe the rest of the zodiac were just fine with how things were? I dunno if we actually will get the full backstory of Akira and his zodiac but I’m definitely intrigued

Ok, but if four crying children came up to me after I’d just consummated with my partner to reach out at my stomach chanting ‘we’ve been waiting for you’. That would disturb me and scar me for a while too so... 😂. I know it’s supposed to be ethereal and spiritual but... dude, wtf lol

...I don’t like how much I’m into Ren being such a Villain™  😅

- Akito being seen as a crying child by the older zodiac members has always been interesting to me because yes, they could see her as that through mainly the age gap, general empathy and the way she sometimes irrationally acts out. But, also the depiction of Gods being seen as children having tantrums has being reflected in many different beliefs and myths (especially Greek Mythology) and I just like the fact that this all powerful, all knowing being would be compared to a child. It gives you a different perspective on power.

- Is the paper note in the CD case that Kureno gave back to Tohru an extra addition or was it always there?...

Mannnn... I really wanted Isuzu to fuck shit up after seeing Tohru so upset but... *le sigh* (outfit’s still on point)

But, I’m so glad we get an equal Ethereal Goddess to save Tohru! HANAJIMA! We love her, we stan her. <3

- ‘Tohru will be in my custody’ 🤣 I personally think Hana’s bluntness was a kindness in her conversation with Yuki because if I found Tohru upset? I’d automatically start firing metaphorical shots at everyone in that house

- Shigure fearing Hana makes me sleep better at night <3

Hana’s just like ‘hmm... sounds like someone I know... 👀’ I’m here for this parallel between Tohru and Kureno in the hopes that Tohru doesn’t ever get in as bad a situation as Kureno. Ahhh... Kureno... (Also, Laura Bailey was killing it in this scene as always)

- Hmmm... there’s something terribly poetic about Kyo saving Tohru’s scarf from oncoming traffic... but also, Kyo can’t help himself aha

KWEEEN! I love this look for Uo, it’s very Kyoko. I already said this in Season 1 but I STILL need to get wool-lined jacket. Outfit Appreciation goes to her - 3.5 stars.

<3<3<3 Friendship is magic!

- Megumi is such a good egg as always! From him going to get Uo to him being so wise with his outlook on love and how it takes time to really flourish. The best!

- This whole episode ends really nicely from Tohru’s return home and Kyo washing and returning Tohru’s scarf and Yuki being happy to see Tohru and Shigure being somewhat decent. It was nice to get a bit of relief after the tornado of emotions

Also, this was a nice screencap! Even Kyo is smiling!!! :))))

EPISODE 2

*takes sip of wine* ...ok.

👀... later lol

This scene really highlighted how Tohru is starting to see Shigure and the whole zodiac curse in a new and darker way. For the first time, it felt like Tohru was a little bit more guarded around Shigure and I hope they delve more into this season. Her description of her feeling around the curse being like a ‘dark well with no bottom in sight’ is pretty spot on. Ugh.

Aw! Is this the last we’re getting of Small!Momiji?! I love them :3 (Momiji’s shorts look a little shorter too, like he’s growing out of them ahaha)

- I haven’t found the Yuki fan club funny since their first scene in the anime but their poor disguises made me chuckle

- Yayyy! Kyo has an obsessive fan club too? ...Yay?? 😅 haha

- ‘I won’t kill them but they can go to hell’ why is Kyo speaking like me?! 😂

The fact that we got a scene of Yuki kinda admirably looking at a group of friends (boys and girls) playfully physically interacting and he unconsciously reaches out to Machi almost like he forgot about the curse? Heart eyes... 🥰

Again. Relatable. 😂 God, Yuki. You really are an airhead. Bless your soul. <3

And that look says it all. Damn. Kyo’s sense of hopelessness is heartbreaking but I still stand by it being understandable considering his circumstances.

Kyo freaking out about Tohru being visually upset was super cute but I couldn’t even appreciate the fluff because the whole scene had such a morbid tone to it, despite it being so visually romantic:

KYO’S FACE!!! 💔 Ahhh, my emotions!!!! Also, that shot from Tohru’s perspective under her bangs is great.

- Poor Mitsuru, I’d ask for extra pay just for dealing with Shigure’s ass.

Hahah - what a great metaphor!

- Now that Shigure’s ‘true form’, so to speak, has been fully exposed all his comments that are supposed to be teasing come off so much more awful. Him insinuating Mitsuru wasn’t ‘upper class’ enough for Ritsu was awful

COLLLDDDD. AS. IIIIIIICE. But seriously, Shigure this whole episode was cold in many different ways but I definitely felt this personally since I’ve been told something like this by a family member before... 😕 Also, it’s just gross how both Shigure and Akito are taking their own personal issues and mistrust of each other out on to other people. The curse and the institution behind the curse complicates a lot of feelings for sure, but there’s a difference between wrong and right and I get the general feeling that they both are just using the muddy waters to their advantage. Although, I feel like Shigure is taking more advantage of this than Akito but I’ll get into that in a bit.

- There’s also something about this episode that made me sympathise a lot more with Kureno in a more understandable way. But, it also makes me question the ending of this whole story and the resolutions that happen and what life for the whole Sohma institution/family looks like after the curse has broken.. I guess, I should read ‘Fruits Basket Another’ after this, huh?

😳... Shigure is so petty, man. Really?!

So...

I hate this relationship. I’m sorry. I know there are loads of people who like this relationship. And I’m still giving myself space for the show and the story to convince me why it’s worth it. But... I really don’t like this relationship. It’s so toxic. In so many ways. And in a weird way, this scene made me feel a LITTLE bit more for Akito than Shigure. It feels like Shigure gaslights everyone in his life but none no more than Akito, herself. I hate the fact that he keeps saying he loves her while hurting her or disregarding her. You know, almost like he’s treating her like a child. But on the other hand, I hate the fact that Akito has lowkey gaslighted herself into thinking she can treat people however she wants because she is ‘God’. I understand this is part of the way she was brought up and it seems like life in the Sohma compound has been very isolating for her so there’s been no one really to show her better (or have the confidence to show her better). But, at least I can be a little bit more sympathetic on her side than Shigure’s. I dunno... it’s just all very ugly and toxic and I’m hoping that it’ll turn around somehow.

I just hope it’s not one of those relationships that are ‘so good cos it’s so bad’.

...I’ll briefly talk about the ending theme to end this on a good note lol:

I really like this ending! I dunno if they’re gonna have two endings and two openings for this season but this ending definitely feels like it should’ve gone in the second half as it’s almost spoiler-y? But, then again what anime opening and ending isn’t packed with spoilers lol

All the illustrations are gorgeous, I’m assuming they were drawn by Takaya-sensei herself as it seems very much in her current style of artistry but my favourite illustrations are definitely the ones shown above! <3

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Ahhh! Fin! Sorry, about this one being super long and you probably having to scroll past a whole lot on your dash 😝 As usual, I had a lot to say. I’m open to hearing from people who actually like Shigure and Akito’s relationship btw, it’s just that everything before and episode 2 just really didn’t sail the ship for me, personally. I do want to understand! Haha

See you soooon!

[sanghyukstattoos]

Along the way

Characters: Kim Seokwoo I Rowoon x Reader

Genre: Fluff, angst 

Words:1789

Summary: At a house party or a so-called dreaded 'family gathering', you detest the situation, how you feel and everything. That is until Seokwoo picks you up and is there for you all the way home.

A/N: Pictures from DailyRowoon 

Thank you to the anon who requested this! When I was writing this, I slipped into a little daze and I was at my best writing this so I do hope that you love it! Personally, when things get hard for me, I am that person who plans it all out in her head. I’ll speak myself through it including why I have been feeling or why I feel in a particular way and how to solve the problem so a little bit of that is incorporated into this fic!

You were at your family’s house, sitting on the sofa and holding your breath, waiting for the right time to jump into the conversation. They were feuding about something and while no one was screaming, you could feel how tense the room was. 

They make a big deal about everything, you thought but stayed quiet. Nothing good would come from you pointing out their obvious mistakes. It was right there and you felt a sudden surge of anger. You didn’t know where it came from either- there were so any sources.

You didn’t know how riled up you were getting but you did know not to get angry because apparently, that came to you pretty easily. Just because someone told you to control yourself didn’t mean you didn’t feel it. 

Your felt the dull ache in your temple become something more as your family snapped their heads in your direction when you spoke while nodding your head in the direction , ‘’It’s right there’’.

There was a small hum floating from your family members as they considered what you were saying but then it all went to shit. To them, it was something else but it mattered to you- wasn’t what you wanted also important?

The room grew more hot as they dismissed your statement, some feeling annoyed while others gave you small, pitiful smiles as they all went back to what they were doing. 

You stayed quiet and laid low for the next few minutes, contemplating how you spoke just a few moments ago. You wavered when you spoke, especially towards the end. 

Maybe it was obvious, that’s why they gave you those smiles. You looked around to see everyone smiling, automatically nodding and giving a bright smile to a family member who raised their eyebrows at you, presumably in concern.

They just picked whatever they wanted, dismissing the rest as, ‘’it’s okay, how important could it be?’’. Knowing that somewhere in the future you wouldn’t be here made you cautious but for now you were stuck in this place.

Forced to endure this because it was social of you to do so, you couldn’t possibly have a problem with your family- after all, they were your family. Your family member next to you, turned to you saying, ‘’Why do they sound like that when they fight?’’ making you look over and laugh as well.

You felt guilty for laughing for none of it showed on your face, laughing along with the person beside you. Not even a couple of seconds had passed till they spoke up, pointing in the direction mentioned while saying, ‘’See? It’s right there’’

From there on, recognition pandered onto their faces and you slumped, recognising that you should have just pointed it look like your family member. Some faces looked at you too and you nodded saying, ‘’I said that!’’

‘‘We know..’‘, ‘‘Something about the way you explained...’‘ was all that you heard before you heard the sound of your phone buzzing. Your head was spinning and there wasn’t much room to breathe but you couldn’t have been more happy that it was Ro on the other end. 

Standing up, you ignored the looks you got from your family members and headed to the exit to take the call. ‘’Hey, you doing okay?’’ was the very first thing you heard and you genuinely smiled, replying, ‘’Hey, I’m doing good’’.

‘‘What time do you want me to pick you up?’‘ Seokwoo asked, having just finished work. 

‘‘Uh’‘ you started out, searching the area for any of your family members to hide what you were going to say next. Your eyes didn’t leave the direction that you were looking towards as you hurriedly whispered, ‘‘A little earlier than planned’‘

Fearing that he would ask for the time, you calmed down when he asked, ‘’8:30?’’. Leaning away to check the time on your phone, you shook your head in disagreement as you responded with, ‘’no’’.

‘‘7:45?’‘ he asked, this time hitting the mark. You agreed, exclaiming, ‘‘yes!’‘ and he agreed as well. In the background, you could hear the car starting as he came to pick you up. 

There wasn’t exactly an end to family gatherings, they all just left when everyone agreed to leave. It also wasn’t easy to shove so many people out of the door and knowing that they had the opportunity, they would all stay till midnight. 

You felt victorious yet juvenile as you walked back to the living room to tell your parents the good news. Looking at your family member, you envied how she was able to thrive in such a harsh environment. 

Now, all that was remaining was for you to break it to them and that mattered. How you broke the news to them was important. Pulling your other family member close to you, the concern on her face almost broke you in two.

‘‘I have to go since we are both busy tomorrow’’ you said pouting, carefully watching how she reacted. She hummed before asking, ‘‘Is Seokwoo coming to pick you up?’‘ to which you slightly nodded to replying, ‘‘In 15 minutes’‘. 

You kept yourself from smiling out and after spilling it to your other family members, you would have wished to see the spoils of joy on their faces but instead got into Seokwoo’s car. 

This time your entrance was different and a whole lot better. It felt good to be back as you gave him a quick peck on his cheek. You reflected his wide smile, leaning your head on the headrest.

"How was it?" he asked, inquisitive but careful at the same time knowing that your family had a given history of making you feel like an outsider whenever they all came around. You hummed, dismissing the answer and instead looking at him and shrugging your shoulders, clearly exhausted.

"Don't stress about it a lot" he cautioned, hand on the steering wheel while one slipped into yours, wanting to be close to you in your time of pure distress. Gripping his hand tighter, you replied, "It's tiring, but I can make it" nodding as you said the latter, hoping to convince yourself that you could hold on.

It all sounded like fireworks to you but a part of you hoped that Seokwoo bought it because he was worried. You were an adult and if anything, they were people out there going through worse. It was a reminder that you didn't have to worry about something so small.

Whatever you thought to try and show that it wasn’t that big of a deal, there were always your own original thoughts at the back of your mind, trying to breach the surface. You had spoken to your family about how you felt, delivering in soft blows rather than directly and their response dismissed how you felt.

They had managed to convince you that the problem was now over, now that you had spoken to them but you felt as if no real change occurred. Truth to be told, you didn't have a proper explanation for this or anything like it but you did try your best.

Then again, what counted as a proper explanation?

"Hey" Seokwoo softly spoke, looking over at you in concern to see that you were looking out of the window with a look of despair on your face. It was at times like these that your real emotions would pour through, at times when you were stressed but tried to control how you truly felt.

You gave him a small smile and looked away, blinking the tears back. You felt hypervigilant now, also noticing how tightly you were gripping his hand. And then you felt grateful realising that he knew but gave you your space anyways.

You could show someone an example of what feeling like an outsider felt like in your family but individually, the single events did not count. On the other hand, a culmination or tyrannical combination of all these events made much more sense to your point.

They could point out how you were exaggerating the reality of the situation much like your family or at least how you thought they would react but Seokwoo and you knew the truth. Even before Seokwoo, you would live in your own mind, gradually moving away from the negativity.

Although the problem persisted, you once called into question your thoughts about yourself, the world and your future- the negative triad. It was simply a triad but you did know that you had negative thoughts regarding all three, making it your negative triad.

At present, you were content with yourself and the life you built that didn't involve a complete involvement of your family. Somehow, your problem with your family became your world and on a whole you were not angry at the world but you weren't angry at your family either. You couldn't change their actions and words towards you but you could change how you reacted towards them. As per the future, you didn't want to focus on that right now for your present work, relationship with Seokwoo and friends held so much more worth.

Taking a breath in, you released a shaky one, swallowing your tears and smiling. Hearing you, Seokwoo scrunched his nose in delight, happy that you were okay. You were also strong in every right for it made him plenty strong too. It was unfair to say that you shouldn't have felt terrible as others had bigger problems because you could acknowledge that fact but this was still your problem.

He didn't meet you like this and neither did you let this affect you in any way outside of your family home. Once it was over, you would be close to tears but it would hardly take you that same amount of time each time to pack your bags and move on.

Neither did he step in to defend you from your family because they were not your enemies. To them, they had the best intentions but drastically different ways of expressing it and Seokwoo supported you through it. You healed and went on to be your best self, knowing that you were surrounded by those that loved you because love came in different forms.

"I'm okay" you spoke, a lot more happier this time whilst looking at him. A smile slowly made its way to his face as he heard your words, rubbing circles onto your loosened grip on his hand. Resting on the headrest, you sighed in relief, all the stress and disbelief floating out of your system. Giving once last caring look at you, Seokwoo drove home where the two of you laid in each other’s arms, drifting off to blissful sleep. 

[myfandomrambles]

Morgana Pendragon Character Analysis (pt1)

Introduction:

Morgana Pendragon is one of the most key characters in Merlin. Her role is integral to the character arc of all of the other leads. Her story is about how someone can let their pain consume them whole. As an abuse victim and a member of a marginalised community, she is set up for being isolated and fearful. This alienation is turned both inward and outward making her deeply dangerous to herself and others. She takes this alienation to push almost everyone out of her life and force others to suffer the same way she did. Her righteous anger at her treatment by her father and society goes to waste when none is put to constructive ends. 

She allows emptiness, fear and anger to consume her. She replaced her core beliefs with those of “others are out to hurt me” and “the only way to live is through the acquisition of power”. Her ability for both affective and cognitive empathy becomes suppressed as any joy she can drive comes from exerting control over others. She is compelled into implementing her obsessions around revenge and survival. Depression, obsessive thoughts, paranoia, fear and anger fill all corners of her mind leaving her without access to flexible thought and internal peace. 

Analysis:

At the start, she is living as a member of court and Uther’s ward. She continually butts heads with Uther. This is due to her being headstrong and fearless. This bravery and stubborn disposition causes more rifts as she is seen to be hysterical and as an object, leaving her subject to gaslighting and other forms of abuse. However, this rarely stops her from being involved when important. Morgana often works with Arthur and Merlin early on. The most key of these events being when they save Mordred. (1x08)

However, her stubbornness isn’t all-consuming, while resisting being forced to do things she dislikes she is smart enough to know when to lie and when to bend the knee. Partly because as a child and young-adult she holds a mix of respect, love and fear towards Uther. She shows skills in court life, this is deeply important to understand as it becomes a useful skill when she works against the kingdom. But in the beginning, it shows someone who lives in the duality of wanting to assert herself and someone who absorbed the social rules she was raised with. 

Morgana shows great care for those around her wanting them to be safe and happy. Often stepping up to speak on behalf of them, and generally treating even Gwen and Merlin, people considered her inferiors socially, with respect. Standing up for Gwen's dad, helping protect Elador, helping feed peasants and trying to protect Gwen when they are attacked shows her kindness and loyalty. (1x03, 1x08, 1x10-12)

She doesn’t have a consuming desire for power, no particular plan to marry into or otherwise acquire power. Her later turn to power is reactive and less of an innate drive. It also a drive to be the one who determines her future. 

When Morgana's powers start to grow we see the first shift in her character. The development of anxiety and depression colour the way she acts. It adds layers to her abuse and trauma. A great deal of gaslighting is used to convince her she is mistaken and to prevent the acknowledgement of her magic. Which we know Gaius has been hiding since she was a child visa via her prophetic nightmares. 

This alienation is from the entire culture she grew up in. When she visits the druids in The Nightmare Begins (2x03) Morgana feels free and desires to stay, she just wants to be herself. 

This is similar to the experience marginalised people experience in real life. She knows that if discovered her magic father figure/father would likely kill her. Morgana also believes her other loved ones would at the least disown her. 

In reality, there is some nuance. Merlin acts as both an agent of the system while originally trying to help her and Gaius and Gwen would not wish harm on her. But Morgana is understandably afraid and full of anxiety to reach out for help. This anxiety, confusion, fear and alienation become the way she perceives the world. Life is Morgana, then everyone else. This pain drives a wedge between her and everyone she used to care for.

Outside of the gaslighting and threat of violence, she experiences from those close to her during The Witchfinder (2x07) we see her deal with mental assault from an outside force with no support from her family as they don’t understand. This makes her dysregulation, anxiety, depression and isolation worsen. 

The next two key events in her first character transformation can be seen at the end of season two. First, Morgana meets Morgause (2x08) and automatically feels a connection to her. Second, Morgana is pushed to verbally disown Uther due to his treatment of Avalar and by extension the rest of the Druids and others born with magic. This is the final relational rupture between them:

Morgana: They are rising up against you! From this day forward, I do not know you. From this day forward, I disown you

King Uther: You will go to your chambers!

Morgana: And you, Uther, you will go to hell.

 (2x11)

We then see her move into helping Morgause try and destroy Camelot. At this point, it is driven by the anger she has for Uther and his treatment of others. It has yet to have the drive of becoming queen. Her connection to Morgause also plays a large role as she finally has a person to be close to without the artifice of court life over it. Morgause gives her a choice and with that an illusion of power. At this point, there is a more powerful member of their team. Morgana ends this attempt at Camelot almost being murdered by someone she considered a friend. (2x12)

We then have an interesting moment in her character arch in her year away from Camelot. This time away changes her from someone who while willing to hurt Uther didn’t seem driven for the destruction of Camelot, to one who will hurt everyone. There is also a reprieve from the fear-driven to more controlled anger by the assistance of Morgause. 

We are never told what happened in the year. All we know is he stayed with her sister and likely had her hatred of Uther entrenched even further. Her worst tendencies towards vengeance over justice and ego over compassion are reinforced. This shifts her schema farther into negative ones and worsens her ability to think in shades of grey.

When she does return her previous ability to play the game of court life is stronger and utilised to great effect convincing everyone for a while that she is essentially the same person, except for Merlin and by extension Gaius. Gwen is the next to figure it out due to Morgana’s affect control dropping and her real emotion bleeding through over time. (3x08)

As she returns to Camelot she quickly moves to attempt another attack. This attempt is stopped again by Merlin, but in this attempt, we see new cruelty in her willingness to torture Uther and that her magic has grown. This is also the last time I believe her alienation and marginalization is her driving force. After this, I think she fully turns her internalized fear of her magic onto everyone else. Her exchange with Merlin during the battle feels genuine and not at all like manipulation or even just a justification as it becomes later, but a real motivation. She has not yet grown to shut off her empathy for everyone, only Uther and Arthur. (3x1-2)

Soon after her second attempt on the castle, we see another large shift in motivations. She almost dies and is severely injured which puts her in a vulnerable place and during this same time she learns she is Uther’s daughter in blood as well as circumstance. She learns that he never was willing to claim her or even tell her. This pushes her to act rashly, almost committing patricide. (3x05)

Her ability to be cruel in her aims continues to grow, to hurt Arthur she puts Gwen through terrible pain as well as Elyan. (3x07) We see her magic grow, her emotions grow but her ability to hide her intentions failing, at least around Gwen. Her attempts at her family's lives also continue to be cruel as she tries to kill Arthur and Uther in slow and painful ways. (3x08, 3x11)

When Morgana isn’t trying to kill the people she used to love she is trying to mess with their lives in more petty ways. This includes exposing the love Arthur and Gwen have for each other, putting their relationship in jeopardy and Gwen’s over well being. This is over her fear of Gwen being Queen when Arthur would become Queen, something that Morgana gains obsessive thoughts over throughout the rest of the story. (3x10)

Morgana is willing to kill a large number of the people at this point not only those she has a personal issue with. Though she does offer safety to Gwen thought it’s contingent on her considering Morgana to be the rightful queen. She is willing to rule by fear and threat, not understanding how to win over the people. (3x12-13). This attempt fails and Morgana loses her sister and the allies her sister made.

After being defeated and having to flee the castle with her dying sister she spends a year moving around with her ill sister while also gaining more strength and becoming a fully-fledged High Priestess of the Old Religion. 

In an attempt to take the castle again she has to kill her sister. Something that caused her great distress as Morgana believed Morgause was the only person who understood and loved her. This event causes great suffering to all, it’s also when Morgana adds her obsession with Emrys along with her obsessive thoughts over Gwen and Uther. 

During this first period of exile, she recruits Agravaine to be her spy and aid within the court. They seem to be united by a common cause but Morgana doesn’t treat him as equal, adopting the belief she hated so much from Uther, treating others as tools. 

She also accepted a standard of living that is much below that of the ward of the king. Her way of dress and acting also shifts, she’s still cunning and driven but while now being the master of herself she is more erratic and seems to feel just as out of control and obsessed as she was when living a lie. Her affect control, impulse control, regulation and social regulation deteriorated. Fear also returns to being a driving force. (4x01-2)

Morgana succeeds in killing Uther in The Wicked Day (4x03) by cursing a necklace and Agravaine puts it on Uther so that when Arthur uses magic to try and bring back his father from a fatal injury he dies faster. Planning to finally kill her father she also wishes guilt and pain on her brother.

We then see Morgana use both strength and her ability to manipulate to work Queen Annis to try and kill Arthur. Morgana is not against using her history to use another person. However, Annis sees through her when Arthur shows honour and points out that Morgana is much more like Uther than she realises, and in saying this it also refutes the point Morgana tried to make early in the episode that Gorlois was who was her true father. This is true in both the biological sense but also through the fact that Uther spent more time acting as her father and had generally known her own life. This statement also acts as a trigger causing her to show extreme emotions. (4x05)

One of the key lines of dialogue we have to see where Morgana’s mindset is at during this period is 

Morgana: Don’t think I don’t understand loyalty because I’ve got no one left to be loyal to

This is important because it shows that the isolation that started by The Nightmare Begins has enveloped her. Now she is no longer even fighting with or for anyone she has devoted herself to revenge and survival.

We also see the fear that drives Morgana as at the site of Emrys her first reaction is flight. During their battle, we see that they are almost evenly matched in magical power, though Morgana only really gets through due to Merlin not being willing to act decisively still. (4x06)

Morgana's obsession with Emrys becomes almost all-consuming. Morgana gives away the most emotionally significant thing left of her sister to obtain information on Emrys. She tries desperately to find the information torturing a man who spent her childhood helping to take care of her. But a layer of contradictions exists as he also tried to make her doubt her reality and is helping the person destined to prevent her ascension to queen and to kill her. This complex relationship is important here for the emotional repercussions of what seems like a straightforward attempt to extract information. (4x07)

Morgana shows no regard for even the laws of life and death gain in her quest in Lancelot Du Lac (4x09) bringing Lancelot back to life. Morgana does not even to directly finish her quest to take the throne but to ruin her once friend, and closest confidant's chance at happiness. This is driven by an obsession with her past nightmare about Gwen becoming Queen. Though of course, it has the added benefit of breaking her brother's heart. The only show of emotional connection we see in her is the fear underlying her actions and her musings on the emptiness the shade Lancelot has. 

During The Sword and The Stone (4x12-13), we see Morgana take over the castle by using Agravaine for treason. Morgana is not only ruthless in what would be considered warfare but takes initiative to be cruel to the peasants willing to let them starve to gain control. She then tortures Gawain, Elyan and Gaius not only for information but just because she gains pleasure from it. The ability to empathise with those she deemed her enemies is no longer existent, even those who have not directly harmed her. Her depressive states and emotional nubbing is only broken when she can exert control over other people. She is choosing to hurt others for her pleasure. 

This is their first battle when both Morgana and Arthur understand who the other is. Morgana calls him as her “dear brother” as a taunt. We then have this exchange:

King Arthur: What happened to you, Morgana?

King Arthur: I thought we were friends

Morgana: As did I. But alas, we were both wrong.

King Arthur: You can't blame me for my father's sins.

Morgana: It's a little late for that. You’ve made it perfectly clear how you feel about me and my kind. You're not as different from Uther as you'd like to think.

King Arthur: Nor are you.

Morgana: I’m going to enjoy killing you, Arthur Pendragon. Not even Emrys can save you now.

We see Arthur is hurt by what happened and truly did love Morgana and doesn’t like having to fight her like this. And Morgana is consumed by the pain of the past to the inability to care for the present. Arthur, however, is not giving her the power of acknowledging her as his sister. He still says “my father”. He compares her to their father and triggers her anger. We see them attempt to fight, Morgana is unable to use her magic due to Merlin and panics. 

She gathers herself, able to make her escape even coming close to killing Gwen. She then almost dies only being revived by Aithusa, who becomes her closest friend from this point on. (4x13)

We then have another time skip of over two years. Two of those years Morgana was being tortured in the pit by The Sarum. This has the effect of taking an already traumatised individual and layering two years of severe chronic trauma on top of it. She has less control of herself as a result of this and loses the little bit of impulse control she had. 

We first see Morgana after this when she is searching for the Diamair to try and learn how to beat Arthur. Morgana can capture and lure Arthur to her by kidnapping his men and using spies. She almost finds what she seeks but the creature itself has no wish to be used by her making her search futile. We also see her not even consider a father being willing to do something dangerous to save his daughter, her own acquired lack of compassion colouring her judgement. 

This is also the re-introduction of Mordred, a character that acts as the turning point in the rest of the narrative. Seeing Mordred shows some of the only real joy we see from Morgana since her sister died years back. She, however, pushes him away due to her display of rage and dysregulation. Mordred stabs her literally in the back. (5x01-2)

One of Morgana's most cruel attacks is used to try and turn Gwen into a weapon by torturing her for days, breaking down her psychological defences leaving her open to manipulation. This leaves her under control of Morgana thinking that Morgana cares for her. While this is mainly a spell able to be broken there is a part that relies on Gwen's psychology of being compassionate so she will be sympathetic to Morgana’s story and trauma. With the long psychological attacks and this play on Gwen's compassion, we see Morana essentially form a trauma bond. She manipulates Gwen’s perceptions and emotions in a way that is very similar to emotional abusers. 

 This act also kills Elyan in Morgana's attempt to harm Arthur (5x06) During this control we see how strongly Morgana used it to make Gwen not only a weapon but also they feel like they are friends again, being lonely might have been part of why he chose this method and less of a direct method like she did with Merlin. (5x07-8) 

Once Arthur is aware of her curse on Gwen he sets out to break the magic but is almost thwarted by the Dochraid who tells Morgana of his plans to save Gwen. This is interesting as the Dochraid is one of the few magic beings who truly side with Morgana betting on her strength of will over Merlin’s. Morgana is then forced to face off against the one thing other than her dragon, Mordred. Mordred puts up a good fight even saving Merlin’s secret. She felt conflicted in harming him and ends up losing to his surprise attack. (5x09)

After her plan with Gwen fails he returns to her full-tilt hunt for Emrys. She hunts the Catha for information causing terror across multiple kingdoms, then excruciatingly tortures him to try and find out. Hunting anyone down who might know these plans however fail because Alator and Finna believed in something larger and were willing to suffer and die. Morgana no longer understands the bigger picture her idea of a world free for magic isn't her leading drive anymore. After this incident, Morgana is seen to have declared all-out war with Camelot. (5x10)

Mordred acts as the last domino to fall into place before the final battle between Morgana and Arthur Pendragon. When Kara is killed and Merlin and Arthur were the drivers behind her execution, Mordred becomes angry enough at the system of Camelot to move to side with someone he saw as dangerous and broken. He gives Morgana the information she needs on Emrys. (5x11)

With Mordred by her side, Morgana makes her final move, forging a sword just to kill Arthur and finalizing the amassment of an army. She clears the way by removing Emrys from the situation, giving her and Mordred a clean shot at Arthur and the army of Camelot. However, she underestimates Merlin and we see her lose much of her Army and Mordred. This causes Morgana despair as she has to bury the last person she loved. One of the few things that could even start to pierce her depression is ripped away. 

This loss isn’t enough to stop the endless patterns of a compulsive need to take out revenge on Arthur. 

The final moments of her life she taunts her brother in his death claiming a victory. It’s however short-lived as Merlin kills her with a dragon fire-forged blade right after she claims her immortality. Her pain consumed her, and as the death of her father there is no triumph in hurting her brother as all it does is open her up for her death. (5x12-13)

[yubsie]

Hand Me Downs

Breha gives Hera baby gifts. Which means she can pass them on to Leia for her child. (AO3 if you prefer)

No one had warned Hera that being a high-ranking member of the Rebel Alliance was going to involve ruffles. She was prepared for overwhelming odds, to risk her life against an enemy who gave no mercy. And in the early days, that was exactly what she got. A lot of sneaking around and flying and getting shot at and  wearing a flightsuit . Then she’d worked her way up through the ranks and found herself having to attend formal dinner parties that covered for high-ranking strategy sessions. The perils of being a general.

If she had a choice, she would have gone for formalwear with a bit of slink to it. But her rapidly expanding midsection didn’t lend itself well to that at all. The only dress she’d been able to find in... whatever her current size was took the philosophy that the bump could just blend in with the rest of the floof. Her attendance in her condition would surely fuel all sorts of gossip about her and the man Breha had chosen to sit her next to. Gossip was useful; it meant that everyone was speculating about her personal life instead of what they might actually be discussing. The trouble was it also meant they were speculating about her personal life and the child who hadn’t volunteered for this. It wasn’t even the worst thing to happen this week, but it felt so incredibly alien.

She wished she could talk to Kanan about it. He would have delivered some sort of over-the-top compliment. And then Ezra would have somehow still not noticed. At least she could still hope to explain to a very baffled Ezra where her child had come from.

But neither of them were here. Now she had the new constant figures of her life: Mon Mothma and the Organas. She trusted the high-ranking members of the Alliance; it would be disastrous if she couldn’t. She even liked them quite a bit. They were good people. Friends, even. They just weren’t family, and she wanted so much of that around right now.

Her glass represented their current target in the makeshift map they were drawing up on the dinner table. The fact that she was the only one currently restricted to water set it apart conveniently from the wine glasses representing rebel units. She tapped Bail’s glass. “If we bring the demolitions team in from the west, they’ll have the sanitation droids as cover.” Sabine would be thrilled, she was sure. Garbage had so much artistic merit.

Mon Mothma nodded. “And that will help minimize the collateral damage to the surrounding citizens.”

Ierlin Allston, head of their fledgling public relations department, nodded. “The benefits of that are pretty obvious.”

They probably didn’t need to consider it from the public image perspective. It was enough that it was right. But it was still a useful angle. Anything to win hearts and minds over in the fight against the Empire. While also winning key weapons factories. They had a solid plan that was sure to go out the window and require extensive improvisation, but at least they had something to build on now.

It was also as far as the plan could possibly go before that first engagement with the enemy. They were still waiting on several key intelligence reports Mon Mothma had hoped they would have in time for this session. There hadn’t been a way to postpone the dinner party that wouldn’t attract suspicion when the information. So they would have to fill the remainder of the dinner party with actual dinner party activity. Definitely not Hera’s specialty, that was more for those who had come here from the senatorial side of things.

“General Syndulla, a word?” She didn’t actually know enough about the etiquette of these sorts of parties to know if it was unusual for Breha to break away from her carefully balanced seating arrangement. They’d eaten most of the courses at this point, so perhaps mingling was entirely normal.

At any rate, when the Queen of Alderaan requested a word, one gave a word. She didn’t need to know anything about royal etiquette to realize that much. “Yes, of course.” How was she supposed to address her? They were on friendly terms, and in a flightsuit she would probably address her by name without a second thought. She really was out of her element in all these bolts of fabric. Who had bought out the store to construct this ridiculous dress? “Your Majesty?”

The queen smiled. “It can still be Breha.” She paused. “This is absolutely a personal interaction.”

Hera had almost forgotten what those felt like in recent months. They were always for family, but even the ones she could locate were scattered. Zeb and Kallus came by often, but they had their own work. It was often just her and Sabine, since Ezra vanished. And she didn’t want to put too much pressure on the girl. It wasn’t fair. “It is?”

“You know, Leia was rather unexpected.” It was obvious enough where that was coming from. No one had to be told that she hadn’t planned this. Even if Kanan had lived, they were in the middle of a war, and she still wasn’t quite sure how she was going to balance the baby with all of that. How she was going to keep him safe. He would need her to step back, especially at first, but he would also need a safe galaxy to grow up in. She had to find a way to give him a mother and a future at the same time. It would have been easier if Kanan were here to help. But she’d tried to stop dwelling on things that were well and truly impossible. She had to deal with the situation as it was.

“Wasn’t she adopted?” That was the sort of development one usually tried to plan. It didn’t just happen like having strange symptoms weeks after losing the love of her life and realizing that the Force apparently wanted more little Jedi running around. Or something like that.

Breha laughed warmly. “She was. The last days of the Clone Wars were the strangest.”

She’d only been a child then, but old enough to realize how quickly everything was changing. The galaxy suddenly looked completely different and as dangerous as ever. That was just never going to end, it would seem.

“We had talked about it, but I wasn’t expecting Bail to come home with a baby that day.”

Hera couldn’t even imagine. She was already struggling to prepare for her baby with months of warning. Having one just show up was a logistical nightmare. But she wasn’t sure where this was meant to be going. “You seem to have managed quite well. She’s remarkable.” The princess was involved in more missions of late. And she didn’t disappoint.

“There are... certain advantages to a hereditary home. The attics have more than anyone could possibly use in a lifetime. So it was easy to prepare a nursery.”

That wouldn’t really help on the emotional front, but sometimes logistics were the easiest thing to focus on. Their supplies had never been so well documented as right after the liberation of Lothal.

“I was wondering how you were doing on that front?”

“I...” She’d been trying to figure out how to care for the child. “Our usual suppliers don’t tend to trade in infant goods.”

“That’s what I thought.” She would never have expected a queen to be so practical before she met Breha. But what was government if not a giant exercise in logistics? She’d seen quickly that Princess Leia Organa had not been routinely handed off to nannies. They probably would have attempted to exert some sort of moderating influence to keep her out of the Rebellion. “Bail and I wanted to give you a few items. Some clothing, a travel bassinette. We have more spares than we could ever need. Leia could be a great-great-grandmother before we had to reuse a single item. It will go to so much better use with you, I think.”

“I...” She suddenly pictured items from a royal palace tucked into one of the Ghost’s empty rooms. The image was strange enough to bring laughter instead of the usual sadness at the state of those rooms. “That’s so generous.”

“Alderaan favours simplicity.” Translation: don’t worry, I’m not handing you something jewel encrusted to furnish a freighter. “The craftsmanship is excellent.”

Hera rested her hand on her belly, taking a moment to imagine her future. “He’ll be the most elegantly dressed baby at the spacestop.”

***

No one had warned Leia that victory would involve quite so many Functions. She should have been prepared for them, growing up in a royal palace, but after fighting a war for so long, she’d let herself forget. Now they moved more and more toward an actual government, and she had to learn an old role all over again. She’d gotten used to her days involving more strategy sessions than dinner parties.

Of course, she still had military officers approaching her. They just wore the notoriously unpopular dress uniform now. They had barely had a uniform at all when her parents first let her get involved in the Rebellion. Now there was a dress variant, and the people who wore it had no end of opinions. Even if a general would, of course, never breathe a word about it. “Senator, a word?”

Leia maneuvered herself around carefully. That was the only way she could actually move these days. Her small stature made her increasing bulk feel all the more unwieldy. “Of course, General.”

“It’s really more of a Hera conversation.” They’d known each other too long to always stand on ceremony. Right now, Leia didn’t much care for standing at all. “Can you handle the walk to the Ghost?”

“As long as there are chairs at the end.” At least they had enough history that she could admit that.

Hera nodded and started to lead the way. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” she said almost automatically.

Automatically enough that Hera immediately raised an eyebrow.

“Tired.” It was a completely different brand of exhaustion that the sleepless nights in a battle zone. Not necessarily worse, but unique. She’d never grown a human being before but it was taking more out of her than she was eager to admit. Especially when she was trying to convince her staff she wasn’t an invalid. “Exhausted, really.”

Hera smiled. “It’s like that a lot. I’m not going to lie and say it gets better, but it’s a nice sort of exhausted. Most of the time.”

“How’s your son doing? I hope he’s well.”

“He spent this last deployment with Zeb and Kallus. He’s amazing, even if keeping up with a Force sensitive child is more work than three full starfighter squadrons.”

More of a preview of her life than she meant it to be. Deep in her heart, she knew that was true, but she hadn’t had anyone who’d knowingly experienced that to talk to. She couldn’t have been that bad a child, could she have?

She probably had. “Just regular squadrons, I hope?”

Hera shook her head. “All of them are Rogue Squadron.  All   of them.” Current reports indicated that the general they were currently attached to was rapidly balding. Also making remarkable progress through former Imperial territory but in utterly exhausting and unexpected ways. “Of course, I don’t really have a non-Force sensitive child to compare him to. Sabine was already a teenager by the time she was in my life.”

She could handle it. At least she had some amount of Force sensitivity herself. Poor Han, she should warn him. Maybe have him talk to Hera, if they could stop arguing about the relative merits of their ships long enough to discuss anything else. This might actually be important enough to manage that.

Hera keyed in the sequence to open up the hatch and led the way into the common area. Which had some remarkably comfortable chairs. Well chosen. Maybe she could get Han to install something like this on the Falcon. At the very least she had to find out where these cushions came from. Maybe she could even sneak one for the next Function...

Once she was suitably settled to relieve her overtaxed feet, Hera tried several times to open a conversation. Finally, she managed, “It can be hard to stop thinking about who you desperately want to be there, with a child.”

Leia’s hand drifted to her belly. “Han’s the important part.” She’d worried a lot when he was off dealing with Kashyyyk. But he was back now and ready to be part of their son’s life. It wasn’t like what Hera had had to deal with when her son was born. She had so many others around her, it wasn’t fair to wish for the things she couldn’t have.

“A baby can never have too much family. The whole crew helped me with Jacen.” She reached over and took Leia’s hand. “And so did two people who would be the most delighted grandparents anyone could ask for.”

Hormones were completely unfair. She was a senator; she couldn’t go crying like this. “I keep thinking of all the traditions I always thought any child of mine would participate in.” There was a lot involved with being the heir to the throne of Alderaan. For all that she’d complained, she couldn’t have imagined back then things going another way. Her child wouldn’t be the heir to anything— only a field of rubble.

“I had no idea what I was going to do without Kanan. But your parents were so kind to me.” She’d been busy with her own missions and a certain amount of teenaged tunnel blindness, but she did remember General Syndulla being around more often in the months leading up to the Battle of Yavin. She’d assumed it was all about the Rebel Alliance getting more established and the longtime leaders having more work to do. But of course, a pregnancy would change the day to day activities of a general. For all that she told her staff she wasn’t an invalid, she did occasionally have to slow down.

“They were always like that.” That was why it hurt so much. The galaxy needed people who were that kind. She tried to carry on their legacy, but she could only do so much. It would never be enough.

Hera pulled two crates forward and opened the first to reveal an assortment of baby clothes. She handed Leia the top onesie to examine. It wasn’t the sort of clothes she would have expected an active rebel to pick out, but these must be Jacen’s old things. They didn’t get a lot of babies in the Rebellion, after all. She ran her hand over the fabric. “This is beautiful.” It almost felt like rannasilk. But the only place to get that was... “It can’t be...”

Hera handed her another piece of clothing. The same craftsmanship. The same material. “Your mother said she had more than she could ever dream of using.”

“I remember. We had more than we could ever need, but no sense letting perfectly good things sit by, even if they were a little bit too luxurious.” It wasn’t what most people expected of royalty. But Alderaan wasn’t like anywhere else in the galaxy.

“She told me you could be a great grandmother before they ever had to reuse any baby things.” And then all of that had gone to waste when Tarkin said fire. Except for these boxes.

Leia held the onesie to her heart. Any connection at all.

“The other crate is a few items of furniture. I assume you have something permanent set up at home, but they knew I was mostly going to be travelling.” Settling down only became a real possibility for any of them in the past year. And even that was slow going. “It would make a good shipboard nursery.”

She’d been surprised that Han was willing to make changes to the Falcon. Putting in a galley. If he’d do that for her, surely their baby would also be worth it. They weren’t going to leave any permanent marks, and there was that strange room that Lando kept referring to as his cape closet. There wasn’t much in there but junk now. They could sort through all of that and make space for the baby. Space for... she opened the crate.

A perfectly crafted travel bassinette. Just like she would have slept in for all but her very first trip to Alderaan. Artfully carved, solid craftsmanship. Though the straps attached inside didn’t look at all Alderaanian. A practical addition, but added with respect for the aesthetic. She tugged on them. Solid, that would keep a baby from going anywhere even if his father decided it was a good idea to go into an asteroid field. But also quite lovely.

“That was Sabine’s work. Alderaanian royal politics don’t tend to quite rival an active rebellion for excitement.”

“If you go far enough in our history...” There was a reason Alderaanian royals had found themselves drawn to rebellion. She’d like to think it was all about justice. But they didn’t come from a tradition of sitting quietly, no matter what her tutors had tried to convince her of at the time. “I hope they’re never necessary.”

“That’s what we all hope for our children. And we actually have a chance at giving it to them, thanks to the work your parents started.” Started. They’d all continued it. And now, her child would have more of a link to that than she’d ever dreamed.

“I don’t know how to thank you enough for this gift.” She didn’t expect anything from family for the next generation. It would have been a foolish hope. That was all lost years ago in the worst moment of her life. Except, it seemed, this one gift. Because her parents had taken the time to care for someone else. They couldn’t have known this would come back to her; they were expecting her to use the rest of the excess in the palace’s vast storage.

She would have to teach her child to be like them. Dreaming cradled in this gift they didn’t know they were giving him.

[jemej3m]

Dare You

anon asked:

If your still doing prompts... What about if Neil and Andrew are friends and Neil figures out that he likes Andrew and asks his friends how to woo him and then Andrew has to deal with Neil's terrible attempts at wooing. But everything neils doing is the same thing that Andrews been doing but in his own way? Idk, the idea just won't leave me alone and I'd love to see how amazing you could write it. Love your writing besides, it always makes my day :)

also on ao3!!

*

Neil and Andrew had been friends for 5 years when they have their first kiss. 

The context? Neil’s small-town friends had all found themselves at the same university. Obviously, they banded together. Obviously, there were parties. Neil’s not a party person himself, but he loved his eclectic family and wanted spend time with them whenever he could. He’d moved to Palmetto when he was 13 with his mother, and as the youngest of the group, watched as the rest of them moved on from middle school to high school, and then from high school to college. 

But now they were all back together again. 

Thus developed his (mild) enjoyment of Allison or Nicky’s chaotic fiascos, which were technically parties, just lacking any rhyme or reason. 

Andrew wasn’t a party person either: in high school, he, Neil and Renee would have movie nights instead, waiting for the rest of them to stumble home in drunken stupors. 

He still tagged along to these gatherings, though. Maybe because Neil and Renee were now commonly in attendance. Neil didn’t think that Andrew would come just for Neil, but he hadn’t worked out why Andrew had become so inclined to participate. Maybe because Aaron was there, and they were trying to patch things up with one another. Their mother’s accident had really put a rift between them. 

“Are you playing?” Allison demanded. “Neil, you’re playing. Renee’s managed to convince Andrew to play, so you’re playing.” 

“Fine,” Neil mused, mostly to appease the inebriated monster that Allison was. No attention was paid to him in these drinking games, mostly because he didn’t drink, but also because he didn’t do anything too unreserved. 

“Great!” she cheered, slinging an arm around his shoulder and brought him to the circle. He automatically took his seat next to Andrew, and felt his friend lean closer. 

Friend was a loose term. Neil and Andrew were almost attached at the hip: When Neil’s mom had died two years ago, Andrew snatched him away and got a spare mattress in his bedroom till Neil had enough money to afford rent somewhere. Andrew was the only one who knew every horrific detail of Neil’s violent childhood, and the only one who’d seen the scars left by his dead-beat dad. Neil was the only one who knew everything about Andrew, too. 

“Spin the bottle, Allison?” Dan leered as the girl put an empty beer bottle in the centre of the circle. Everyone was there. “We’ve got family members here!” Aaron mimed a retching action as Nicky laughed, clapping loudly. 

“It’s just to pick who has to do truth or dare,” Allison retorted, waving the bottle in Dan’s face. “You wanna go first, huh? I’ll pick out your dare for you, Wilds. A personal attribute!”

“No way,” Dan laughed, leaning back into Matt’s shoulder. The guy was half asleep: alcohol did that to him, sometimes.

“Fine, I’ll spin it,” Allison huffed. With a little too much vigour, she flicked the neck of the bottle, sending it spinning wildly. 

And of course, it had to land on Neil. 

“First of the night!” Nicky crowed. 

“Neil’s just going to pick truth,” Allison complained. “And make us all sad.”

Neil grinned at her. “Not my fault you grew up in a guilded bubble.” 

“Shut the fuck up. Choose!”

Neil hummed, cocking his head to the side. 

“Don’t do something stupid,” Andrew warned under his breath. 

“Dare,” Neil said. 

“Here we go,” his best friend sighed. 

“Fuck yeah,” Allison grinned. “What should we make you do, hm? We all know you can and will eat anything without even flinching, no clothes-off, no alcohol...” 

“Maybe he should go try and steal something,” Kevin slurred. “He’s good at it. Fuckin’ hot-wired a car once, for the hell of it.” 

“Fuck off, Kevin,” Neil managed, ignoring the incredulous looks that the others were giving him. 

“When the hell did you manage that?” Dan demanded. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.” 

“He should kiss Andrew,” Matt mumbled, burrowing his face into the crook of Dan’s shoulder. No one heard him. 

“We should see if he can jump from the dorm roof!” 

“No,” Andrew said. 

“He should shotgun three Caprisuns,”

“Too easy!”

“Fine, five!” 

“He should kiss Andrew,” Matt repeated, sitting up and blinking the sleepiness away. 

The circle grew quiet. 

“Yeah,” Allison breathed, grinning wildly. She looked to Neil. “You’ve gotta kiss Andrew.” 

Neil glanced at Andrew, whose gaze was hooded as he glared at the been in his hand. 

“I’m not doing that if Andrew doesn’t want to,” Neil said. 

Andrew shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“See?” Allison said, gesturing wildly. “Pucker up, Josten.” 

“Well, this isn’t how I expected this to go,” Neil muttered. Andrew looked up at him, something making his eyes sparkle. “Tonight, I mean.” 

“Right,” Andrew said. “Well? Hurry up.”

Neil hadn’t kissed many people before. Andrew knew that all too well: he’d heard about all three of Neil’s dating disasters in meandering rants about expectations and Neil’s lack of interest in - well, anyone, really. 

He was overthinking this. It was just a kiss. 

“And no measly pecks, either!” Dan insisted.

Andrew didn’t care. It was just a kiss.

Neil felt all stiff and awkward, because he had no idea what he was doing, but it was fine, because Andrew was tilting his head and lifting up his hand to press his fingertips to Neil’s cheek, tilting up his chin a bit. Neil let him. 

When Andrew drew back, all Neil could think was that his lips were so soft. So soft. Everything about the kiss had been feather light, which wasn’t like Andrew at all. 

Neil learned new things about Andrew every day. 

“Happy?” Andrew said, facing the circle once more. Allison was cheering as Nicky and Aaron gave each other all-knowing side eye: Dan was clapping, and Matt was looking right at Neil with his head tilted to the side. “Now: go pick on someone else.” 

“Someone your own size, might you say?” Nicky teased. Andrew flipped him off. 

It had been a nice kiss, Neil thought. He didn’t know Andrew could kiss like that. 

“You with us, Neil?” 

Neil glanced up and found everyone looking at him. “Yeah? Why?” He frowned. “Did it land on me again?” Did he have to kiss Andrew again? He didn’t want to: not in front of everyone, at least. 

Wait, what?

“You’ve been spared for now,” Allison grinned. Neil flipped her off. 

And that was Andrew and Neil’s first kiss. 

*

Neil burst into Matt and Kevin’s dorm room - obviously, he and Andrew shared one, and Aaron was in the fancy dormitory for academic scholarship students - in a small frenzy. 

“Hey,” he told Kevin, who was sitting on his bed minding his own business. “Fuck off.” 

Kevin glared at him. “You realise this is my room?”

Matt took off his headphones, looking over his shoulder from the tiny desk he’d crammed in at the end of his bed. It was comedically small in comparison with his gargantuan frame. 

“Please?” Neil begged. “I need to talk to Matt.” 

“Why can’t I hear it?” Kevin demanded. “I’ve literally known you longer than anyone else. We used to watch each other shit in toddler potties, Neil.” 

That was true. Still, Neil needed Matt, his not-childhood friend. 

“Dude,” Matt said. “Neil and I are bros. Somethings are just bro to bro. You talk to Andrew about shit you don’t talk to Neil about, yeah? Y’all are like brothers. That’s different from being bros.”

“None of that made sense,” Kevin muttered, packing up his shit. He glared at Neil. “I’ll be in the common room. You’re making up for this by editing my thesis.” 

“Looking forward to it,” Neil said dryly, ushering Kevin out the door and leaning against it, feeling a little breathless. 

Matt jumped onto his bed, patting the spot next to him. “Come hither, child.” 

“I hate it when you say that,” Neil complained, dutifully crossing the tiny room and curling up into a ball on the mattress next to him. Matt patted him on the shoulder gently, though it still managed to send shocks right to his fingers and toes. Matt was just a big guy. 

“What’s this all about?” Matt pushed, when Neil stayed in a curled ball. 

Neil’s head flopped back, thudding against the wall. He swallowed, staring at the ceiling. 

“I like Andrew.” 

“Well, that’s good news,” Matt laughed. 

“No, Matt.” Neil glared towards the window. “I think I’m in love with Andrew.” 

“Yes,” Matt said earnestly. “I know.” 

Neil’s neck nearly snapped what with how fast he looked at Matt. “What?”

His friend snorted. “Dude, you’ve always been infatuated with him. We’re best friends, Neil. You and Kevin are best friends. Do you really want to go cuddling up with either of us, like you do with Andrew? Do you spend hours with either of us at a time, just talking? Do you dream about us? Have you told us everything about you?”

“How do you know I’ve done those things with Andrew?” Neil accused, even though he was completely right. 

Matt shrugged. “That’s how I am with Dan.” 

“We’ve cuddled,” Neil said weakly. 

Matt slung his arm around Neil’s narrow shoulders. It was like wearing a blanket. “Hell yes, we have. But that’s not what I mean.” 

“We don’t do that.” 

“Head out of the gutter, bucko. Remember that photo Allison managed of the two of you? Asleep on the couch? You were literally asleep on Andrew’s chest: one of his legs was hooked over your hip. That’s some serious canoodling, bro.” 

“You’ve analysed us that intensely,” Neil said flatly. 

Matt snorted. “It’s kinda hard not to. You’re both all over each other. I’d say it’s sweet if it wasn’t, well, you and Andrew.”

“So if you knew I liked him,” Neil complained. “Why’d you dare me to kiss him? Now I’m aware of it, and I hate it!”

“That was kinda the point,” Matt admitted. “Why the hell do you hate it? Love is a good thing!” 

“Need I remind you of my parents?” 

Matt shoved him gently. “Don’t start pulling the parent card. Neil, you’ve loved Andrew for years. And - well, I can’t really read him, no one can - I think he likes you back.” 

“He does not,” Neil insisted. 

“He does!” Matt sung. “You know what you have to do now, Josten?”

“No,” Neil said, sullen. 

“You’ve gotta woo him.” 

“Here we go,” Neil mumbled. 

Matt winked. “Don’t worry. I’ve got you. Andrew will be head over heels for you in no time.”

*

“So,” Neil said, sitting on his bed. Andrew was reading a book, his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose. He only wore them in their room, even though everyone knew Aaron had reading glasses and thus Andrew would have to wear them too. He had his armbands off and a pair of knitted socks on. Neil had become so keenly aware over everything that constituted of Andrew recently: it was driving him up the wall.  

Andrew looked at Neil from over his book. “What?” 

Neil shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you want to go somewhere?” 

Andrew glanced at his watch. “Now?” 

Neil shrugged again. 

“What’s this about?” Andrew asked, sitting up.

“Nothing!” Neil stressed. “Just thought it might be good to - get out?” 

“It’s a Tuesday evening,” Andrew said flatly.

Neil deflated. “We don’t have to go.” 

Andrew sighed. “Fine.” Neil perked up. “Where did you want to go?” 

Neil hadn’t thought that far ahead. “David’s?” 

“David’s,” Andrew repeated. “Neil, you don’t like diner food.” 

“Well, now I do!” He really needed to stop the hiccups in his voice. Stuffing his feet into his shoes, he yanked on his coat and shoved his keys and phone into his pocket. 

“Now I’m even more suspicious,” Andrew said, watching Neil’s erratic behaviour with mild amusement. “You’ve never willingly taken that phone with you unless I forcefully reminded you too.” 

He needed it to text Matt. “We all learn and grow,” he said breezily, escaping out the door. “Hurry up, I want coffee!” 

“It’s nearly fucking midnight,” Andrew growled. 

He skipped ahead till he arrived at the dorm’s parking lot: Andrew’s was in the corner, where it couldn’t be scratched. After his mother’s death he’d used his portion of her life insurance to buy the thing, but it hadn’t got him more than a heap of junk. He’d spent a whole summer fixing it up: Neil had watched him from the corner of his garage, a little mesmerised. 

Fuck, he liked Andrew so much. He could hardly contain it within himself. 

He switched the radio to Andrew’s favourite channel as they drove to David’s, an old diner on the corner of campus. It was run by a grouchy old man by the name of David Wymack, hence the name. He served the only pancakes Andrew would speak well of, and sometimes Neil could withstand the fruit smoothies. 

Andrew glanced over at Neil at the music choice - Neil almost always usually bickered with him about playing heavy rock when it got past 9 o’clock - but said nothing, continuing to drive. 

There was almost no one in David’s when they arrived, even though he usually shut at one. Neil was relieved for that: he didn’t feel like anyone watching him as he failed miserably at wooing Andrew Minyard.

Andrew got his pancakes and Neil decided to try the blueberry smoothie, sans ice cream. 

“What is wrong with you,” Andrew muttered. 

It clearly wasn’t going well. Neil grimaced and shrugged. “Dunno.” 

Andrew squinted at him. “Are you upset?”

“What? No!”

“Can you bozos stop wasting my time?” Wymack huffed. 

“Fuck you too, old man,” Andrew said. Wymack flipped him off and proceeded to put an extra scoop of ice-cream onto Andrew’s plate. Their relationship was baffling, especially after Andrew worked the summer here with Renee. 

They sat at a corner table, a little ceramic jug with plucked daisies plonked in the centre of the red-and-white chequered table cloth. 

“You seem jittery,” Andrew said. 

“I’m fine,” Neil managed. Andrew reached out with his hand under the table to stop Neil’s leg from bouncing. The heat from his palm was addictive. Neil made a strange squawking noise, and Andrew immediately withdrew his hand. 

“You’re fine,” Andrew repeated. 

“Yup,” Neil insisted. Andrew’s pancakes arrived, so Neil tried to distract himself from the ruffled blonde hair and pale eyelashes and the freckles on his nose, sipping at the smoothie. Neil didn’t know what to do with that information. It was quite unnerving. 

They were done by half-past-twelve, when Andrew decided to get up and leave without warning. Neil - in a moment’s panic - took one of the daisies from the jug and hopped up after him. 

Andrew was leaning against his car door, lighting up two cigarettes. Moonlight shone down, curling in his hair and curving across his jaw. Neil found himself a little star struck. 

Andrew offered up the second cigarette and Neil took it from between his fingers with his lips, like he usually did. This time all he could notice was how close it put them, and the shape of Andrew’s lips. Now Neil knew what they felt like, too. 

This is ridiculous, Neil thought. 

“Why are you holding a flower?” Andrew asked. 

Neil looked down to where the daisy rested in his palm. He brought it up and tucked it behind Andrew’s ear. The tips of Andrew’s ears went very pink: he had to be warm in that large sweater of his. 

“Don’t know,” Neil answered truthfully, looking at where the daisy drooped down over the shell of Andrew’s ear. 

“Okay,” Andrew managed, though his voice was a bit strained. What if he was allergic to daisies? No, that was ridiculous. Neil would know if he was allergic to daisies. 

They finished their cigarettes in the quiet. Everything was so muddled. Neil just wanted it to go back to normal. And yet: he wanted to kiss Andrew. 

Fucking hell, he thought. 

*

“Back to the drawing board,” Neil announced, bursting into Matt’s dorm room again. Kevin wasn’t there, thankfully. 

Matt arched his brow. “Huh?”

“Date and flowers didn’t work. What the hell do I do?”

His friend hummed. “What about gifts? Is there something you could give him that’s romantic?” 

“He likes chocolate?” Neil hedged.

“Could work,” Matt acknowledged. “Or, you know, we could make him jealous.”

“Absolutely not,” Neil grimaced. 

“Just a thought.” 

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Neil groaned, sinking into a puddle on the floor. 

The door opened as Kevin stepped through. He didn’t even pause, stepping right over where Neil had melted onto the floor. 

“Don’t mind him,” Matt acknowledged. 

Neil made an exasperated noise. 

“Have you always been so dramatic?” Kevin acknowledged. 

“Maybe you could recite a monologue to him,” Matt suggested. 

Kevin frowned. “Who?” 

Before Neil could shush him, Matt sung out “Andrew!” with a cheerful smile. 

Kevin signed. “Fucking finally. Everyone’s been waiting years for the two of you to sort yourselves out.” 

“What?” Neil sat up. “Are you serious?” 

Kevin shrugged. “It’s pretty obvious.” 

“For fuck’s sake,” Neil groused. 

“He’s trying to woo Andrew into liking him back,” Matt informed Kevin. 

Kevin frowned. “Why don’t you just tell him that you like him?”

“Because that’s mortifying?” 

“You’re such a horribly adjusted human being,” Kevin muttered. 

“He’s kinda right,” Matt acknowledged. “I just kept asking Dan on dates till she accepted.”

“No,” Neil hoisted himself to his feet. “I’ll figure it out. It won’t have to come to that.” He glared at both of them. “Thanks for nothing. Neither of you know anything about relationships.” 

“We are both in committed, loving, long-term partnerships,” Kevin pointed out. 

“Love you too!” Matt called as Neil stomped out.

*

Neil eventually developed a checklist. 

Spontaneous midnight date? Nope. Flowers? Definitely a no. Making him a mixtape? Not the right decade. 

Accompanying him places definitely didn’t work: Neil was late to all his classes for a week. Cooking for two also didn’t work, seeing as the only thing Neil could cook was 2 Minute Noodles. 

Chocolates was a moderate success, but it probably didn’t help the wooing cause. It didn’t help that they roomed together: Neil didn’t get much time to scheme, because neither of them were social butterflies, and their dorm room was their safe space. 

The only thing he thought could’ve been counted a success was when they decided to rewatch the last two Harry Potter movies together: Andrew yanked Neil over to his bed and they nestled into the corner to watch the films from Andrew’s laptop. Neil was so consumed by the thought kiss him kiss him kiss him that he barely registered either of the films. 

One month passed since Neil’s epiphany, then one and a half: It even got too the point that Neil jostled Andrew’s shoulder at another of Allison’s ‘parties’ and said “Remember the last time she made us participate?” to which Neil only received an odd look and stale silence.

He also tried to rig one of Allison’s silly games, giving Andrew a piece of paper that asked do you like someone? Andrew set the thing on fire with his lighter, and the dormitory nearly had to be evacuated.

Neil was beginning to lose hope. 

“You upset, Neil?” Renee asked, dropping into the chair next to him. He was studying in the library, one of the few places he knew Andrew wouldn’t follow. 

“Hi, Renee,” Neil said, sullen. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She twisted herself around to face him. “What’s up?”

“Can’t talk to you about it,” Neil mumbled, resting his head on his folded arms and glaring at the table. 

“You know,” Renee said, slightly amused. “I overheard something about someone being interested in Andrew recently.”

Neil sat up. “You did? Who?” He’d fight them. Not that he was possessive, or jealous. 

Renee laughed. “You, silly.” 

Neil deflated. “Does everyone know? I feel like I was the last one to figure it out.”

Renee patted his shoulder gently. “Almost the last one.”

“What do you mean?”

“Andrew doesn’t know.”

“Good,” Neil huffed out. “That’d be embarrassing.”

Renee shook her head. 

“He’s never going to like me back,” Neil mumbled. “I’ve been trying so hard, but he won’t notice.”

“He did mention you were acting odd, recently,” Renee acknowledged. 

Neil huffed. “Yeah, well. There’s no point in keeping it up, is there? Not if nothing will happen.”

“You know,” she said. “I always found clarity in honesty.” With that, she winked and slid off her stool. “See you around, Neil.”

“Yeah,” Neil muttered. “See you.”

*

Neil dressed quickly in the shower stall and hooked his towel over his shoulder, carrying his small caddy back to his room. He was wearing old pyjamas: fire-engine truck flannels with one of Matt’s oversized (or normal sized, for him) hoodies that went all the way to his fingertips. He shook out his wet hair as he traversed from the bathroom back to his dorm room and shouldered his way in, the door unlocked. That meant Andrew was back. 

And back, Andrew was: facing the wall, he was tugging off a turtleneck sweater and yanking on a t-shirt that Neil recognised as his: he’d already changed into grey sweats that were too long for him, hanging around the ankles. 

Neil slowly put his soap back onto his little shelf, hanging his towel on a wall hook. Andrew glanced over his shoulder at him, acknowledging Neil’s presence, before going back to unpacking from his day and readying for bed. 

Neil felt sucker-punched. 

“Andrew?” 

He glanced back again, brows furrowing at Neil’s strange tone. “What?”

When Neil couldn’t answer, he dropped what he was doing and came closer. His fingers curled in Neil’s collar, tugging him closer. 

“You’re pale as shit,” he commented. “Are you going to collapse?”

“I’m already falling,” Neil joked weakly. 

“What?”

“What?”

Andrew stepped back. Dammit, Neil thought. “What the hell is going on, Neil? You’ve been acting fucking weird for ages, now.”

“I really like you,” Neil breathed out. 

Andrew froze. 

“I wasn’t meant to say that,” Neil bit out, folding his arms over his chest. “But I can’t get over it. Ever since we kissed I’ve been kinda losing my mind, and everyone’s told me I’ve liked you for years -” 

“Shut up,” Andrew said fiercely, stomping right up into Neil’s space, crowding him against the door.

“Um,” Neil mumbled, blinking. 

“You’re the worst,” Andrew hissed. “You’ve been doing all this shit because you like me? I thought you were working up to telling me you were leaving!”

“What?” Neil echoed. 

“Shut up,” Andrew complained. “You’re the fucking worst. I hate you.” 

And then he kissed him. Andrew kissed Neil, that is. It was definitely one of the best moments of Neil’s life, which wasn’t saying much, considering his track record. Still, Neil’s fingers spread out across Andrew’s shoulder blades as his hands grasped Neil’s jaw, kissing him for real, this time. 

Neil had been right: it was definitely better when there was no one else watching. 

Andrew’s shoulders were hunched over when he fell back, pressing his forehead to Neil’s shoulder. 

“You like me?” Neil asked, voice higher and breathier than he thought he could manage. “Since when?”

“I hate you,” Andrew retorted. Then, quieter, he said: “Since forever.” 

Neil’s hands pressed him closer: this wasn’t unfamiliar, the proximity, Andrew’s touch, breath wafting over bare skin. But the warmth encompassing it made sense now. 

“Okay,” he said. And then: “Me too.”

“Were you trying to woo me with 2 Minute Noodles?” Andrew inquired.

“No,” Neil said sheepishly. 

Andrew shook his head, tilting Neil’s head down for another kiss. Then he signed against Neil’s lips. “I hate you. So much.” 

Neil grinned.

*

HEEHEEE

[thelatelockdownlist]

A Series on Series 04: Deborah Harkness’ All Souls Trilogy: A Discovery of Witches/Season 1

Hi! I’m Alex, a YouTube Newbie and this is The Late Lockdown List where I talk about the list of things I’ve got on my mind since the lockdown started. 

Today, on the fourth episode of A Series on Series, I’ll be talking about Deborah Harkness’ All Souls Trilogy, starting with the first book,  A Discovery of Witches

and the basis of the season 1 of the TV series. 

Let’s dive a little bit into it. 

Why is it called the ‘All Souls Trilogy’?

I could do research, but having read the entire series, I think it’s because the male lead, Matthew Clairmont or Matthew de Clermont, in the book belongs to the All Souls College at Oxford University.  

A bit of trivia: All Souls College does not have undergraduate members, and it’s unique in the sense that all members automatically become fellows -- full members of the college’s governing body. The examination for the fellowship has once been described as ‘the hardest exam in the world.” 

If you’re not familiar with the book or the TV series, just know that there are going to be a lot of spoilers. With that out of the way, first a primer:

The two main characters here are Diana Bishop 

-- a Yale historian, visiting scholar at Oxford (where she also got her PhD) and reluctant witch. 

She’s the daughter of two very powerful witches, 

but due to the tragic death of her parents she’s shied away from witchcraft and very seldom uses her power, if at all. After her parents’ death, she was raised by her maternal aunt Sarah and her partner Emily who are both witches. 

They tried to teach her, but Diana’s grief at her parents’ death caused her to all but reject magic. 

Then we have Matthew Clairmont (aka Matthew de Clermont of the powerful vampire de Clermont family, aka Matthew Roydon), a geneticist, All Souls College fellow and 1,500-year-old vampire.

There are creatures in this series: daemons, vampires and witches. They’re not HUMAN. That’s why they call themselves ‘creatures’ -- to differentiate themselves from us. Daemons 

are blessed with creativity and cursed with madness. 

Vampires

are -- well, the usual kind that we’re familiar with. Here, though, they mate for life, like wolves. 

Witches

have magic -- different kinds like time walking, precognition, flight, transmogrification, telekinesis, witchwind, witchfire, witchwater, and manipulation of the elements.

Basically, if you’re familiar with Harry Potter and Twilight, then you know what witches and vampires are. Speaking of the whole Harry Potter and Twilight thing, The New York Times calls this the ‘Harry Potter for grownups’ 

and NPR calls it ‘Twilight for the intellectually restless.’ 

Make of that what you will.

For me, I don’t compare this with the other two. I think it stands very separately from those. Since this is written by an historian, the approach is markedly different. It’s well-researched -- as are most historical romance novels -- because it does deal with a certain time period.  

What I love about this -- and you’ll be hearing this from me a lot -- is the world building. I judge a book by the world it creates for me. I have to be able to LIVE in that world. And in most cases, I have to WANT to live in that world.

This is a world inhabited by creatures I’ve been fascinated with my entire life -- except for daemons. I did my first thesis on vampires -- let’s not talk about why it didn’t get accepted. It’s still a sore point for me even after so many years later. And as for witches, well… family tradition has it that my maternal great grandmother was a witch. In fact, growing up, I’d heard

whispers of her supplementing her income by being a ‘healer.’ I’m not sure how much of that is true but I like to believe that it is.

So vampires and witches, I’m sold. I can tolerate the daemons.

Another thing I love about this are the well-written characters. While I can’t actually relate to Diana Bishop, I don’t have to for me to like her. She just needs to be alive for me in the book. And she is very much so. I envy her graduate degrees -- I wish I had the discipline to obtain a PhD. And spending time at the Bodleian. *sigh*

Anyway, I can understand her rejection of magic. After all, in a way it’s what took her parents away from her. But I like how she was able to adjust when she realizes that she’s got this power -- which is far stronger than anyone thought it would be. 

As for Matthew -- *sigh* -- I’m a sucker for vampires. Yes, I went there. I love him. He’s a scientist and he’s good with his hands. By that, I mean he used to be a stone mason so he can build things. What? I like a guy who’s handy.

I also like the love story. Matthew and Diana are equals -- in the sense that they are partners in the relationship. Of course, with Matthew having been alive for more than a millennia -- plus vampire, plus a guy, he has a tendency to be domineering, convinced that he’s doing all things to protect Diana. However, Diana is a POWERFUL witch. She’s a scholar, too. She can take care of herself. Matthew may be physically stronger, but Diana is a POWER. And as she grows into that, Matthew struggles to keep up as well curb his tendency to be overprotective. For the most part, they do keep this balance. 

On to the differences of the book from the show:

Overall, the TV series was faithful to the book. Most of the scenes in TV series are in the book. The show is gorgeous. I love the architecture and just the overall mood. I think Teresa Palmer makes a good Diana, but I love Matthew Goode. Period. But he is very, very good as Matthew Clairmont. 

I know Teresa Palmer is Australian and Diana Bishop is American so I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I do hear Teresa’s native accent here and there. It’s not distracting, but since I know that the one she uses for her character is not her original accent, I can’t help but hear the Australian one. Matthew Goode, on the other hand, is British, and Matthew Clairmont is as well. Well, for the last couple of centuries he is, but he’s originally French. But overall, I have no problem believing they’re really Diana and Matthew. 

As for Gillian Chamberlain,

the other witch at Oxford who in the TV series is sort of Diana’s friend… in the book, they’re merely acquaintances. She’s played by Louise Brealey aka Molly Hooper in Sherlock. 

I love the actress and I love that I found Gillian both slightly annoying and a bit pathetic. Because in the book, she is. So I love that that’s how she’s also played in the series.

Then we have Aunt Sarah. When I saw Alex Kingston, my first thought was, “River!” If you don’t know, Alex Kingston played ‘River Song’ in Doctor Who. 

And I loved her in that. So I knew I’d love her here, too. I do have the same ‘thing’ with her as with Teresa. Alex Kingston is British and here she plays an American. I can hear the accent. It’s not distracting, but it’s there.

And then there’s Peter Knox. 

In the book, I found him arrogant, condescending and just a generally irritating person. In the series, he is more so. And the actor who plays him played Ser Alliser Thorne in ‘Game of Thrones.’ 

He was one of the Night’s Watch who tormented and had a hand, literally, in killing Jon Snow. But he got his comeuppance when he was hanged with the rest of the traitors. He was very convincing as a conniving SOB in GOT. And he is here, as well. In fact, he’s equal parts menacing and irritating. Which is a terrifying combination because if he’s just irritating, you can swat him away like a gnat. But because he’s menacing, you know you have to watch your back.

Satu Jarvinen 

in the show is exactly how I thought she would look like when I read her in the book. In fact, the actress Malin Buska, infuses her with a somewhat edgy, emo attitude that really works. You can see why Satu and Peter work well because they seem to have something missing inside them that they think the other one has. It’s not a romantic connection -- more that of villains who don’t think they’re bad people.

And Ysabeau de Clermont. 

Lindsay Duncan plays her, who also played Lady Smallwood in Sherlock. 

She does have the whole ‘lady of the manor’ aura -- both regal and frightening. I really liked how she snobbishly said how modern day witches are so uneducated -- all because Diana even with her post graduate degrees didn’t speak Occitan.

FAVORITE SCENES:

The rowing scenes: 

This is very self-serving because I like rowing. I haven’t had a lot of chances to row in the water. I bought a rowing machine at the start of the pandemic and actually did a few months of rowing for 20 minutes three times a week. Then I stopped. I can’t remember why. But I love the scenes of Diana rowing -- which she does to rid herself of excess energy caused by her power -- because I imagine rowing along the Thames myself. 

Any time they’re in the Bodleian: I love libraries. I’ve loved them since I was a child. I loved them when I was in college. I was actually really excited that my university decided to extend the library hours on Fridays just so I could stay there and read to my heart’s content. Also, whenever I go to a foreign country, I always go to the national library.

This isn’t in the show, but in the book, but I love how everyone at the Bodleian scrambled to cater to Matthew when he went to the library. I liked how irritated Diana was that this guy took her spot… that they gave it to him solely on the basis of his being an All Souls fellow. In the TV series, they don’t really emphasize how much of a big shot Matthew is at Oxford. 

I like how Matthew, when he was talking to his daemon friend, Hamish Osborne, was self-aware enough not to immediately think that Diana had the same feelings for him as he did for her. Since he’s a 1,500-year-old vampire who knew Charles Darwin, of course he’s a great resource for a history of science researcher. 

I love that part when Diana was trying to guess how old Matthew was and she asked, “Survived the fall of Carthage?” and he says, “Which fall of Carthage?” It was a playful exchange, and you can see that he was showing off a bit.

Sept-Tours: 

literally ‘Seven Towers’ and is the current family home of the de Clermonts. It must be hell to heat, but as most of the residents are vampires, it shouldn’t be a problem. It’s beautiful and like Matthew, I would probably claim my own tower as well. 

While it’s not my favorite scene, I think they did the part of Satu torturing Diana 

-- in the pretext of trying to ‘open her up’ to see what her power is -- was done well. When I read that scene, I was wondering how much of it they were going to put in the book. So it was heartening to see that ‘horrifying’ scene there.

I’m not sure how I feel about the ‘instalove.’ You know that thing that sometimes happens where the leads just fall in love at first sight? In the series, it feels like it’s instalove. Diana and Matthew first meet at the Bodleian -- the day after Diana experiences the magic in Ashmole 782. It’s a book all creatures have been trying to find. Matthew, in particular, has been searching for it for more than a century. It’s thought to explain the origins of all creatures. Matthew is initially drawn to Diana because she is able to “call” the book. 

Anyway, going back to the idea of ‘instalove,’ I mean, sure there was chemistry… but...  In the books, their connection was fostered both by the time they spent with each other and their curiosity about Ashmole 782. I was more convinced in the book about that part than in the TV series. Or maybe it’s my deep-seated and sometimes difficult to conceal bias FOR the book versus its live action adaptation.

~

The Congregation: Secret island! 

It’s actually on an island in Venice, concealed from humans. It has nine members, 3 from each supernatural race. And since the de Clermont patriarch established it, one of the rules is to always have a de Clermont on the Congregation. It was created during the Crusades as a self-regulating body for the creatures. Because most of the creatures abused their powers and abilities to influence outcomes during the Crusades, they attracted unwanted attention from humans. Ostensibly to keep the creatures safe from humans, the congregation agreed to several covenants: the main ones being that they must not interfere in human politics and religion and for creatures not to mix together, especially in terms of romantic relationships. 

This is the covenant Diana and Matthew break. In fairness to Diana, she had no idea. She didn’t even know about the existence of The Congregation, much less the covenant. And so Matthew does this whole ‘noble idiot’ thing where he denies his feelings for her… but of course, in the end, they end up together.

Moving on, the first book ends with Diana and Matthew going back to New York to Aunt Sarah’s and Aunt Em’s house. The original plan was for Diana to learn more about her magic from her witch aunts. The problem is that Diana’s magic isn’t the same as theirs. And they need someone to teach her so she can call the book again -- this time intentionally.

They’re joined by married daemons, Sophie and Nathaniel; two vampires: Marcus, Matthew’s vampire son, and Miriam, an ally of the de Clermonts and Matthew’s  colleague at the lab, and Hamish. As there are now 3 witches (Sarah, Em and Diana), 3 vampires (including Matthew) and 3 demons, this is in effect a ‘coventicle’ -- this will be important later in the books.

They’re all gathered there for different reasons: Sophie, because she’s meant to give Diana something that has been passed down in her family for generations (and one that’s needed for the timewalk, the vampires to update Matthew regarding their research (and I guess for moral support as well), and Hamish both because he’s Matthew’s best friend and lawyer (real world legalities must be observed before one undertakes a timewalk). 

They leave for Sept Tour, which Matthew volunteered as their HQ of sorts, on Halloween. That night, Matthew and Diana are going to timewalk. And seconds before they could do so, Gerbert de Aurillac, Peter Knox and Satu Jarvinen arrive to stop them. 

Of course, they don’t and we see our couple land somewhat shakily in 1590 London…

And the season ends there, setting us up for the next one and The Book of Shadows.

FINAL NOTE:

I LOVE IT!

Like I said earlier, it’s faithful to the book in the sense that I didn’t find anything that was off.

If you loved the books, I’m sure you’ll love the TV adaptation as well.

I was a little nervous that I wouldn’t love it as much. I’d been burned before, you see. (I’m looking at you, American Gods. Even Ian McShane and Orlando Jones’ Mr. Nancy couldn’t keep me hooked.)

However, I wasn’t disappointed in this one. There’s a lot to love here and I’m glad that there’s a second season -- and now they’re even done filming the third.

So that’s it for the first book and Season 1. Catch you in the next episode for The Book of Shadows and Season 2. Bye!

[rose-demica]

Gif Drabble, A ruined date

So @mariekoukie6661​ sent me an ask with this gif... my new kitten jumped on my keyboard and somehow managed to privately answer it before it was finished. Thanks to my friends at the @fanficocean​, we were able to figure out where it went, and get most of it back. (I also have definitely learnt my lesson, and will be now solely writing on docs outside of tumblr again).

It does mean I lost the original gif, and despite searching for the gif, and having the original poster’s ID, it hasn’t helped me find it. So it’s just a screenshot for now. 

A sigh of relief passes your lips, eyes darting to the clock as your manager bustles in the door, mouthing apologies as you kept helping the seemingly endless line of people. It was 1am, four hours after your shift had been supposed to end. Everyone else from the other supervisor’s team had arrived on time, allowing the rest of your team to leave, but your own relief hadn’t shown up, hadn’t even had the decency to call in and warn the managers in advance. They’d asked you to stay later while they scrambled to find someone to cover the absence… you hadn’t expected it to take four hours. 

You had hoped for a moment to text your date, tell him you’d be delayed, or just cancel. It was a bad look for a third date, but you had no choice, the store couldn’t run without a supervisor, and there was no way you could close up the store, not two days before Christmas. Not when, even at 1 am, the lines for the registers winded back down through the aisles.

It was bad, really bad, to just ghost a man on your third date, but hopefully, he would understand. He had to understand, you really liked this guy. If your co-worker had cost you one of the sweetest guy’s you’d met, you would never forgive her.

“Just give me ten to set up.” You nodded as the manager breezed past you towards checkout control, turning your attention back to the woman who was insisting the sale sign didn’t specify a size. (It did, this was the 73rd time today you’d had this argument over this specific product.)

Those ten minutes dragged by, but finally, finally, you did your hand over and clocked out. Your first stop, once you were off the floor, was to check your phone. There were only five text messages, and two missed calls. Your heart hit your stomach, chest seizing up, did this mean he had given up? He wasn’t as interested in you as you thought. 

A shaky breath escaped your lips as you opened your conversation with him and read your messages. 

2105 

Hey, I’m here early, but don’t feel like you need to rush. There was a mess up with our reservation, so our table won’t be available for a little while. I’m at the garden bar, I can’t wait to see you. 

2147

So I guess you’re running a bit late? Our table just opened up. I’ll order a drink and wait for you there. If you want I can place your order in advance? I know you tend to skip your breaks when it’s busy, and I hate to have you wasting away longer than necessary. 

2215. One missed call.

2216

Are you far off? I’m getting a lot of dirty looks from the staff. Who knew they don’t like people who sit at tables and never order more than a drink?

2308

I gotta be honest here, I really like you, which is why I am praying you aren’t standing me up or ghosting me. It’s also why I’m going back to the garden bar. They’ve shut the kitchen down, but they said I can wait there until they close. I think they feel bad for me, and think I’m stupid for waiting this long... maybe I am...

2357

Well, it’s just me and the bartender left. The last stragglers from the restaurant left about 10 minutes ago, and now the staff have to. I know they won’t tell me to leave, not as a paying customer, however discounted my drinks might be, but I will. They’re allowed to close up early if there are no customers, and I don’t want to be the one keeping them open, not this close to Christmas when everyone is so busy and wants to be with family. So I guess I’ll... to be honest, I don’t know what I plan to do. Maybe I’ll head home, let me know that you’re safe please, even if you are ghosting me. 

0027. One missed call.

Your fingers were automatically typing out a reply as your brain tried to figure out what to say, but as soon as it was typed you deleted it. What could you possibly say to apologise for the fact that you had stood him up, as much as you hadn’t wanted to. He had waited at the bar for you for at least three hours. You didn’t know if you would be able to do the same, endure all those looks from the staff and other patrons. Just sit at the bar, constantly casting glances at the time and trying desperately not to think-

“Goodnight.” You glance up in shock, only to see one of your staff members passing by on their way back onto the floor. You slid your phone into your pocket, step one was getting home, then you could put your feet up and figure out how to apologise for your disaster of a shift, and missing the date without giving any warning. 

~~~

You feel your body relax as you step off the bus, nearly home, it was nearly all over, you were nearly home. You dropped your bag at the bus stop bench, sitting down and peeling off your work shoes, feet screaming after a long day of standing on them in cheap shoes. The snow was nice against your feet, at least, it was for now. The cold bite of the snow numbing the pain receptors. It would give you enough time to get home before it got too cold, or your feet gave out on you.

You were quick to pick up your bag and get moving, there was only so long before your feet would turn to icicles. Your eyes were glued to your phone as you walked the familiar route home, no one would be out at 1.30 in the morning. You barely looked up to type the code that would let you in to your apartment building’s lobby, nor as you approached the stairs, it was only as you made to dodge a person sitting on the bottom one that you looked up. 

Stunning blue eyes met yours, knocking the wind out of you. 

“Sorry beautiful, I just had to make sure that you’re alright. Please don’t think I’m a stalker or anything.” The man spoke, raising his hands. It took you a second more to tear your eyes from his, give yourself the chance to scan his body and recognise the man rising to stand before you. Your date, Clint Barton.

“Wha-” He chuckled at your stunned expression, 

“You never replied, I was worried that maybe someone had kidnapped or ambushed you, figured the least I could do was check-in to make sure everything was all right.” He motioned to the phone in your hand, before tucking his hands into his pockets and shuffling awkwardly. 

“I’m sorry, I was going to reply once I got home, I had no idea what to say to you.” You found your voice, putting your phone away. It hadn’t occurred to you that he might swing by to check on you, no one had ever done that before, it was sweet. 

“No worries, I understand, have a good life Y/N.” He took a few steps away, and you reached out quickly, your hand reaching out in an attempt to wrap around a firm bicep. He could have kept going, easily pulled his arm from yours, but he stopped, turning back towards you. 

“No. No-” It couldn’t all end, not like this. “I meant-” You breathed out heavily, searching for the same words you’d been looking for, ever since you’d read his messages. “Come upstairs? I still haven’t eaten, we can talk over a midnight snack.” His smile took your breath away, nodding slowly, almost as if he was waiting for you to take it back. “Great, my feet are killing me.” You smiled back, turning to eye up the stairs. You were only on the 3rd floor, but you weren’t sure you could convince your feet to carry you up that far. 

‘Allow me.” You turned back to Clint, offering him your bag, but he only shook his head, stepping closer to sweep you off your feet and into the bridal hold. “You’ll have to let me know which floor and room, I’m afraid I only managed to figure out which building was yours.” You wanted to complain, insist you could walk yourself, but you couldn’t deny the sheer relief that you were finally off your feet. 

“Just this once.” You meant to say it in your head, but the words accidentally fell out of your mouth, Clint chuckling at you. “3H.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, tucking your head into his neck. Eyes falling closed, feeling safe in his arms.

“You seem exhausted.” 

“My co-worker never showed, took them four hours to find and get someone in so I could get off. It was so busy I couldn’t even send you a message.” You sighed heavily, “I love Christmas, I really do. But I hate it.” 

“I had hoped it was something like that.” He spoke softly, before pausing, setting your feet back on the ground, one arm staying wrapped around your waist. You turned, looking up at him, arms staying looped around his neck, holding him close to you. 

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I wanted to be there.” He lifted another hand, running it down the side of your face, before cupping your jaw. 

“I waited as long as I could.” He responded, leaning in closer to you. Your eyes flicked down to his soft pink lips, able to think of nothing but how badly you wanted to taste them. 

“I know.” You stretched up, pausing when you could feel his breath roll across your face, waiting for him to close the distance. “Thank you.” You felt more than heard his quiet groan, lips rushing against yours a moment later. You responded tangling one of your hands into his hair and holding him. 

It was your stomach growling that interrupted you, Clint pulling back with a smile. 

“Let’s get you inside and fed, then we can discuss continuing this.” You stretched up, stealing another kiss from his lips, savouring the way they felt moving with yours, before pulling back and searching for your keys, eager to get inside and salvage what you could of your date.

[buckys-little-hoe]

Petrichor | Bucky Barnes x Reader

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: You and James Buchanan Barnes are enemies. Both of your mobs deal with weapons and the world just isn’t wide enough for both of you. While dealing with each other, something else is going on in the background. Will your entire business be destroyed or can you save it?

Warnings: mentions of death, death, blood, alcohol, mobs, rivalry, smut, cursing, mentions of drugs (maybe usage in future), human trafficking, angst

A/N: Here it is! The first chapter of my series! I hope you like it!

—

The ballroom floor glitters brilliantly under the glowing light of the chandelier. The dancing figures of men and women dressed in elegant, expensive clothing cloud your vision as you lean against the wall utterly alone. A sad sigh tumbles past your lips. All of your friends seem to have a dancing partner but you don’t. A lot of men fancy you, they had asked you to dance but everytime you declined. Tonight you should focus on your business, not on some strange guy. Suddenly you feel a gentle tap on your shoulder. With furrowed brows you turn to see who had suddenly required your attention and lock eyes with none other than James Buchanan Barnes. The people in your industry call him Lucifer and the name really suits him. Not only because his nightclub is named Hell, or because he has a cute dog named Cerberus. No, the main reason is his face. His whole appearance is tempting. Bucky Barnes could probably talk you into doing something really stupid. Striking cheekbones, a well-groomed three-day stubble, plump lips and piercing blue-grey eyes. Don’t get even started over his abs. He is literally an adonis. That guy is so charming, it takes a lot of self-control. If you would be weak you would probably throw yourself at him.

But even Lucifer himself has to admit that you look like a whole meal tonight. Your tight ball gown compliments your body. The slit in the front shows your leg and your cleavage leaves little to imagine. No wonder they call you Lilith. You look so hot, you could be straight outta hell. “Good evening, Doll. Care to share a little dance with me?”, Bucky asks in a low voice. Annoyed you roll your eyes at him. “I should’ve stayed home.”, you simply reply without even answering his question. You hate him with a lot of passion. How many times did he already steal your clients? Can’t even count them. Both of you deal with weapons but hide in your clubs. Bucky is the boss of his nightclub Hell, you are the boss of Petrichor, which is a Burlesque club. Your gang and his gang rule over New York, just not together. When you first moved to New York, Hell had already existed. It has been passed over for generations. Mobs are a big secret but not here. Everybody knows about it, still nobody dares to speak openly about it. You started to make connections, meeting important people and thus you started your business. Everyone warned you of Hell, Lucifer and his best friend Steve, who is also his partner. You already knew you would be big one day, you even had Nick Fury on your side, an important CIA boss. So you decided to go and ask Bucky if he wanted to make a deal. You didn’t even get to him, someone called Natasha Romanoff stopped you from entering. When you told her about your plans, she just laughed in your face and someone called Sam Wilson carried you far away from the club. It made you furious, still, you never thought it again. Instead you just built your own club. You partnered with Tony Stark, a billionaire and an old friend of your dead father.

Years passed and you’re still competitive. Bucky Barnes just gets your blood to boil. Sometimes you have the big urge just to punch him right in the face, which you did once. It really brought you satisfaction. “You’d rather go home than dance with me, sweetheart?” His dark tone makes you shiver slightly but you play it off, because you are the coolest girl you know. No, that’s a lie. Natasha is the coolest woman you know. “Who wouldn’t, Buckaroo?”, you respond with a little smirk. He chuckles lightly and grabs you by your waist. “If I were you, I would let go off her.”, someone says behind you. You already know who it is by his strong accent, which by the way is really hot. “I’m sure Y/N can speak for herself.”, Bucky answers and glares at the blonde. “I can only repeat what he said, darling.”, you reply and put your hand on his. You give him a warning look. “Well, if you say so, doll.”, he mumbles and takes his hand away, visibly annoyed of your rejection. You don’t exactly know what’s wrong with him. Some days he calls you a brat and would like to kill. On other days he just wants to make you scream of pleasure. On these days you actually scream, just not of pleasure. Bucky makes his way across the room to Steve Rogers, probably to make nasty remarks about you.

“Everything alright, prințesă?”, Pietro checks up on you. You just nod, impressed with his accent as always. The good thing about Pietro Maximoff is that there is a female version of him. That is his twin sister Wanda Maximoff, one of your dancers. And let’s be honest, you’re a bisexual queen. Pietro is one of your barkeepers and also one of your security workers. You just want your girls to be save, even though they could probably handle some drunk guys by themself. Everyone that works in Petrichor is automatically a member of your mob. At the end of the day, the club is just a cover. “Yeah, I’m good, thanks Pietro.” You smile gently and squeeze his hand. He nods understandingly and points to the bar. “Well, I’m going back to my position. If you need anything, just let me know, okay?”, he speaks and you assure him that you’ll be just fine. After you convince him, he makes his way back to his colleagues. Scott Lang and Wade Wilson, two idiots but you still love them. That doesn’t mean they’re good at their jobs, they really needed a job and you couldn’t say no. Especially since Scott is Hope Van Dynes boyfriend. She’s also a dancer of yours, one of your best. She takes care of the inventory because she is really good with numbers. Wade Wilson is your ex lover and unfortunately also your best friend. How does that even work? You saw his schlong and he saw your cookie and the sex was great! Somehow you both don’t care though. Suddenly your Stark Phone beeps. You take it out of your bra and unlock it.

Thank god Peter developed a program so you all could communicate openly about the packages without having to fear that someone could spy on your texts. Peter Parker came to you so he could make money to pay his aunts bills. You couldn’t decline that, so you came up with a new job, that way he doesn’t have to face the dangerous stuff. He basically just has to hack someones phone sometimes and stuff like that. Tony could’ve done that without any problems, but Peter needed the job. You took Peter under your wing and also his girlfriend Michelle. She lives in an apartment with him so she noticed his weird action pretty quickly. To be fair, you made him do dumb things, like hacking phones that Tony prepared. You just didn’t want him to feel useless! After she found it out, you got her a job as a burlesque dancer at your club. Now nobody has to worry about paying bills. The one person who never even worried about bills is Carol Danvers. She is the most carefree person you know, and you definitely have the most fun with her.

You met her on your first night in New York. New York is pretty big and you didn’t know anyone. How could you probably pass your first night in the city that never sleeps? Right, you go drinking. You just happened to choose a karaoke bar. When they asked for your name at the entrance and wrote it down, you didn’t think anything about it. But after a hour passed and you only had two drinks, they called your name on the stage. If you didn’t sing, you had to pay the next round for the whole bar. Shit, you just moved New York, of course you were broke and there were a lot of people present. But you also didn’t have enough alcohol in your blood. Carol offered to sing a duet if that would make you feel better. She was the first nice person that you met in New York. You accepted her offer and both of you sang your lungs out to bohemian rhapsody. It was good night. A couple of days later you met on the street again, this time you offered her a job at your new club, that you were going to build. You trusted her and she was the first member of your mob. Without her you wouldn’t be even here today.

After some time spent together, you already moved in together. You created a little family. Carol introduced you to Wade who also moved in with you - he still does live with you. You phone buzzes again. Now you’re really annoyed. Can’t even enjoy your drink - wait. Where’s your cocktail? Doesn’t matter now.

[professional-benaddict]

♥️ Red Heart, White Box ⬜️ ll

A collab between myself and @questionablewritings xx

Mafia AU, boss Tony, pet/plaything +18 Peter, bodyguard Steve, bodyguard Bucky, underground doctor Stephen, gun violence, shootings, GSW, injury, surgery, whump, comfort, body modification, non-con organ donation, 2.6k

Or Tony gets to see Peter when he wakes up after surgery and Bucky discovers something in the underground clinic.

part one - part three - part four

Part ll - The White Box With The Red Handle

Tony, Bucky and Steve were all waiting in the ward-like room in the underground clinic. The walls were not as damp here, but still Tony could hear water dripping somewhere. The sound was borderline annoying and hypnotising. The three gang members had barely spoken, since what was there to be said anyway? They had already thanked the doctor for saving Peter, so all that remained was to wait.

Peter woke up groggy as all get out. He felt loopy, and unconnected to reality as his eyelashes flutter open. It felt like no time has passed since the moment he passed out in the back of the car. But, Peter could tell by the heavy patch against his shoulder and the intense medicine working its way through his system that something had happened. A soft groan fell past his lips as he forced himself more awake, alerting those around that he was conscious. His fingers travelled down his body, feeling the bandage from the bullet wound. But, also another one much lower and on his side. Peter’s eyebrows furrowed, glancing down and removing the covers around him to get a better look. 

“Tony?” Peter called out in weak voice, sounding more scared than he intended. When Peter finally stirred, Tony was up in an instant and pushed Peter to lay back down. 

“Hey, shhh, it’s okay, Daddy’s here.” He said soothingly, leaning down so that his forehead was pressed against Peter’s. He kissed the boy hungrily, taking his breath away for a second. “You’re okay, you’re okay.” He repeated, more to himself than for Peter.

Peter’s panic settled the instant Tony came to his side. He fell back against the makeshift hospital bed, blinking over towards Steve and Bucky. How long had he been out? He was relieved to find out he had lived, but how long would his recovery be? It was Steve who registered the confusion on Peter’s face. The man stood, straightening out his shirt and clearing his throat. 

“Should we get the doctor in here to explain things or? Peter might take the news better if it came from you, sir.” Steve suggested, motioning to the patch on Peter’s side. Peter frowned, once again looking down to inspect the random wound. 

“What happened to my side, Daddy?” Peter asked quietly, sounding so small and fragile with a hint of fear.

“Yeah, get Strange. He wanted to see how Peter’s doing as soon as he woke up.” Tony said, craning his neck to face the bodyguard, but kept his hand in Peter’s curls. Bucky volunteered to go and once he left, Tony looked at Peter and sighed a little. “You started bleeding internally, so the doctor had to stop it, baby. He’ll explain more, but he said you’re okay now. You’re okay, baby.” Tony tried to explain, but his voice was starting to break, so he could not talk much without sounding as pathetic as ever. The boss still had an image to keep up when Steve was still in the room.

Peter frowned, too drugged up to fully understand what Tony was explaining. All he knew was, his lover was close to tears. It broke Peter’s heart. He reached up, arm restricted just slightly by the IV stuck deep in the crook of his inner elbow. 

“I’m okay.” Peter repeated, his tone more solid than Tony’s. “Though, I don’t think I’ll be much use as a distraction anymore.” Peter added with a laugh. He turned towards the door, weary of this doctor that they had been talking about. Steve was pretending to be busy with standing by the door, sturdy and protective while also giving the boss his space. He knew Tony did not like to show a weakness to anyone besides his baby boy.

“Hey!” Tony chuckled tearily, pushing Peter down to lay down, but leaned down himself so that they were still close. “This is just an excuse for me to see you naked all the time. Cause I’ll take care of you, baby, I promise that.” He promised, taking one of the boy’s hands in his and kissing his knuckles sweetly. 

Peter, through the medicines haze, cracked a smile at Tony’s little joke. He shook his head, but felt nothing but happiness upon being affectionate with his boyfriend. A few moments later, Bucky returned with Stephen in tow and the doctor smiled at seeing his patient conscious. The doctor was still in his scrubs from earlier when Peter and the rest had first arrived, but he now also wore a zip up hoodie on top. The underground clinic was not exactly the warmest place, nor very welcoming. But, Stephen does not make money on bedside manners anyway. 

“So, you’re finally up. I’ve heard a lot about you, Peter, although we have never formally met. I’m Stephen Strange.” The doctor introduced himself, but he did not force Peter to shake hands with him. 

“He was the one who saved you, baby.” Tony smiled a little sadly, still kissing at Peter’s hand.

When the doctor came through the door, Pete turned his eyes onto him, shocked. The man was gorgeous, and looked nothing like what Pete expected an underground clinician to look like. The doctor stood tall, with broad shoulders and a focused gaze. He looked like someone who valued efficiency and productivity above all else. In some ways, Tony was the same, just in another field of work. 

“Thank you, sir.” Peter automatically stated, licking at his lips. He squeezed Tony’s hand for comfort and then once again found himself motioning towards his side. “I’m sorry that I caused you guys so much stress.” He added, talking to both Stephen and his medical team, as well as his own mafia family.

“Oh, baby, don’t say such things. It’s our fault we didn’t realise what was going on soon enough. I’m a fucking idiot.” Tony apologised, which he never did. Except for Peter. 

“Okay, I think we should let Peter rest now.” Stephen decided, seeing how emotional the situation was getting and how it was making Peter’s heart rate and blood pressure increase. “Would you guys mind leaving us for a while? I’ll just check how the stitches are holding up.”

Peter wanted to disagree, to correct Tony and let him know that none of this was his fault. It had been Peter who had begged to be brought along. He was tired of waiting back at the warehouse while his Daddy went off and did business. Instead though, Peter only had enough time to brush Tony’s knuckles along his lips and gave him a reassuring smile. 

“Go get me some food?” Peter asked, knowing Tony could use a distraction. “Something with lots of chocolate.” He added, playfully smirking. When asked to leave, Bucky and Steve were quick to pay their respects. They both quietly exited the room, and waited outside the door for their boss to follow.

“So, how you feeling?” Stephen asked once he was alone with Peter and checked the monitors. “You lost quite a lot of blood, so if you feel terrible, that’s why.” The doctor chuckled a little.

Peter grimaced now that his loved ones were out of the room. He felt horrible, but at least he had some pain meds to get him through. Pete tried to sit himself up, groaning in the process. 

“I’ve felt better.” Peter responded truthfully. His side hurt quite a lot, as did his shoulder. “I bled internally?” He then asked, sounding extremely concerned. For a moment, he was finding it hard to remember what could have caused that, but then again, everything after getting shot was rather hazy.

“Yeah, your BP dropped and we found a bleed in your abdomen on the ultrasound. You must have fallen when you first got shot.” Stephen explained, pulling the blankets down to see the bandage on Peter’s left side. He was pleased to still find it white and clean and then looked up to meet the boy’s tired eyes. “So, I went in and stopped the bleed and you should make a full recovery. But, you might want to ask Stark to get you a physical therapist for the shoulder.”

“No, I’ll be all right…” Peter replied automatically, not wanting to cause Tony even more trouble and strain. Getting himself shot was enough. Besides, did not most adults complain of shoulder pain anyway, Peter thought to himself. Straightening up, Stephen raised one brow at his latest patient and watched as he struggled to put up a convincing argument. “That’s- that’s not necessary.”

“If you say so.” Stephen muttered and moved on. “How’s the pain? I can increase your morphine.” 

Once again, Peter argued that he was just fine, but the doctor was not fooled in the slightest. So, he increased the flow of the IV drip regardless, and Peter quickly fell more still. His breathing evened out, indicating relief as the pain eased off, which sent him off into unconsciousness again. With Peter knocked out again and resting, Stephen left the makeshift ward with his hands in his pockets. However, the doctor barely had time to round the corner before he was stopped by someone clearing their throat, a clear indication to halt. 

“Just one question, doc.” Bucky started, and straightened up from where he had been leaning against the wall right outside of the ward. Stephen kept his back turned to the bodyguard, but he did halt and tilt his head slightly to show that he was listening. Further down one of the tunnels in the underground system, some water dripped down to the floor. The sound echoed off the walls in a way that made it hard to pinpoint where the noise actually came from. “Just how does one start bleeding internally from falling?” 

“If you fall hard enough-“ 

“Bull.” Bucky shot back. 

“Look.” Stephen started and turned his head more to see Bucky out of the corner of his eye, but his back was turned still. “You brought the kid in, I saved him. I’m giving him the best morphine I have to keep him comfortable, and I’ll admit I don’t do that with everyone who stumbles in here.” 

“I know you did something.” Bucky accused, but Stephen just scoffed in return and started walking again. 

“Yeah, I saved the kid’s life.” The doctor called out, making his voice echo off of the bare and damp tile walls of the underground clinic. The sound could be intimating to some, along with the rest of the eerie sounds coming from underground, but not to Bucky, and he watched with keen eyes as the doctor walked off. 

An hour later, when Tony and Steve returned with food, Bucky was still stood outside of the ward on patrol like a guard dog. In one hand, Tony had a plastic bag with what looked like one of the Chinese takeaway places in town that Peter likes. From the top of the bag, Bucky could also see a Ben and Jerry’s brownie ice cream pint peaking through. In his other hand, Tony had his own suit jacket, which still had some blood stains on it. Peter’s blood. The sight made Bucky take a leap and get Tony’s attention. He had to say something about Strange. 

“Boss, I don’t think-“ 

“Buck.” It was Steve who stopped him, while Tony breezed past them and onto the ward to see Peter, as if nothing mattered but his boy. And in many ways that was the truth. “He’s not like himself.” Steve whispered to Bucky, glancing over at their boss. But, Bucky would not back down, not when his gut was telling him something was seriously wrong. 

“We have to get out of here.” 

“What-“

“It’s Strange. I don’t trust him.” 

“Well, neither do I, but all that matters is that he takes care of Peter till he is back on his feet.” Steve argued back, keeping his voice down to prevent Tony, and Peter for that matter, from hearing their conversation. 

“Steve, I think he did something. To Peter.” Bucky specified, but at the same time left it hanging. After all, he was not sure what exactly the doctor had done, but it was something. Sure, this place was eerie, but the most concerning was the doctor, But, Steve did not seem to agree. 

“Yeah, he saved Peter’s life. He needs to stay here. We can’t take him to the hospital, but he can’t go home yet either. Just a few days, all right?” Steve reasoned, and gave Bucky that smile that could put anyone at ease. Usually, it worked on Bucky, but not this time. While Steve left to follow Tony into the ward, the dark haired bodyguard was left with his gut feeling and overwhelming urge to do something despite Steve telling him to not go after it. However, it was implicit, and not an order from the boss himself, so technically there was nothing stopping Bucky from doing something. 

But, what to do? The underground clinic seemed to be an abandoned tube station. The clinic itself was luke warm and clean, but now and then one could feel a cold breeze coming from one of the darker tunnels. The room that the mafia family of four had arrived in the night before was to the left of the ward where Bucky still was. That was where the makeshift OR was as well, hidden and protected by plastic. The plastic covers were not transparent, but one could make out silhouettes from behind it. To the right of the ward was what Bucky guessed to be a supply closet. If he recalled correctly, it was where the two other medical professionals had come from to assist Stephen for Peter’s surgery. 

A doorknob creaked and Bucky averted his eyes to see a man exit the supply closet. The man, who he guessed to be Mordo, spared him a quick glance before looking at his phone and hurried to the main room of the clinic where Stephen had gone earlier. At the realisation of an excellent opportunity, Bucky crossed the hallway to the supply closet and cracked the door open. Checking that no one was inside, the bodyguard slipped inside. 

At first glance, Bucky realised that the room was not just a supply closet, but also some sort of lab. There were two fridges in the far corner of the room, and to the left there was one freezer. Up against the wall on the right, there were tall and warehouse-like shelves for what looked like sterile packages. Masks, gowns, gloves, caps and loads more that Bucky could not identify. Was it even possible to get so much stuff on the black market? Surely hospitals kept strict record of supplies, which would make stealing nearly impossible, at least in such big quantities. 

On the adjacent wall to the supplies, there was a long table with vials of what Bucky guessed was blood. At closer inspection, Bucky actually found a vial with Peter’s blood. The date on the label also matched when they had arrived the night before. Moving on from the lab stuff, Bucky’s eyes shifted to the fridges and freezer. Perhaps there was more there. Opening the first fridge, Bucky found a large variety of medication in clear bottles. Looking at the labels, the bodyguard found five bottles of morphine, and he scoffed as he remembered how the doctor had said how sparsely he uses the pain reliving drug. 

When Bucky moved onto the second fridge, he expected more medication, but paused as his eyes fell upon six white boxes on two different shelves in the fridge. Each box had a red handle at the top and a label on the side. Bucky tasted bile in his mouth when he realised what the boxes where. Organ transport boxes. 

Tag list: @buckettbarnes​ @prettyboy-parker​ @starkerplusstrange​ @sugar-and-spice-parker​ @xsmallplum​ @starkerdreams​ @mynerdrage​ @kyattogaaru​ @im-a-slut-for-alucards-belt​ @sxdnxy-jxhnsxn @suddenlyhotimsuddenlycool @everyonelovespetey​ @ironspiidey​ @gipumar