#also it saves searches which i know some ppl might like but to me it's gross.

[gaywormiez]

EWWWWW

[bright-and-burning]

best horny blogs recs?

alright im gonna slightly organize this. nsfw links/descriptions/idek man. you read the ask. you know where this is going

but TYPICALLY i just go on like. a blog from a few ones i have saved. or search, if you know what you're searching for lol. and then kind of click on blogs they reblog from? rather than having like a big list if that makes sense. also usually after i go thru one blog tumblr starts hitting me w insane "based on your likes" posts that are like. more one-off random inspo (sometimes turning into actual wip docs isnt that nuts) than like "blog recs" per se. that i am thinking abt starting a tag for (so ppl can block it fjodsaklfakldj. and so i can stop sending wren 14 posts while she's eating dinner.) but here's a) the blogs i was spamming wren with earlier (sorry wren. not really) and b) some i've recently come across/remember from recently

all of these r like. they may have lots of things on them including things u (general u) dont want to see i am sorry and also not going to list out everything u might encounter theyve got bios/pinned posts u can figure it out

the uh. more specific vibes for trying to unlock my ability to write recently have included... cyb3r-mutt, ur-favorite-puppyboy, knotfrotter, transed-my-gender, dr1ppingftmslvt, drippyboycunt (horrendous to put this all down on paper. i promise i am cooking something deranged up). these r all pretty heavy on puppy play and then probably also somno and intox but ymmv from blog to blog!

some other less puppy play oriented (fejdsajfaslk) blogs that i haven't visited super recently but that i have on hand include justasmallgirl, cervix-kisses, lovelypinkdoll ETA swirlingiris which i found while looking for the blog that disappeared and was like omg i know u... high likelihood of cnc, equally so of overstim and edging, possibly hypno?, probably breeding. AWFUL! to type that out im so sorry.

there's definitely more but um. this is already probably too many (and possibly too much of a window into my psyche)

[accessible-flatland-art]

Pinned post.

[ID: The icon for this blog, which is a black right triangle on a brown square background, with text following the diagonal of the triangle, reading, "Let irregulars enjoy fandom too.". End ID.]

Please copy and paste the image description I write into the original post for your art, rather than simply reblogging it from me. (You can also reblog it too, if you want, thought!). Plain text (what you're reading right now) is more accessbile than ALT text because tumblr is a glitched mess.

The image description should go directly below the image being described, above comments, and stay in normal sized, black text, without italics, bold, or colors. It may be indented (like above) to make it easier to distinguish from the rest of the text in the post. This is in fact more accessible.

This blog is run by @rjalker so it's easier to keep track of which Flatland art has an ID already, and so people have an easy place to find it all.

Anyone can reblog from this blog, even if I have you blocked on my main. I block people sometimes just to filter posts and then forget to unblock...RIP

Please note: I cannot describe posts with eyeburningly neon colors, flashing lights, or audio that is difficult to hear or very fast paced.

If you list your OCs names, pronouns, and shapes in the post itself, it will make it much easier for me to describe.

___

Posts on the blog so far: 404 Posts still in the drafts: 1,022

Blog created on September 18th, 2023 Numbers last updated: September 7 2024

(The drafts consist of all of the undescribed Flatland art, and art that is described but I still have to tag, that I could find in the whole tag going back to January 2022, at which point tumblr started giving me random unrelated posts instead. Not sure if it ran out of Flatland posts, or just stops actually keeping track of tagged posts after a year...?)

Here is a link to a post with many places to read, watch, and listen to Flatland, all for free, because the book is public domain.

Very important note:

Very important edit: Ladd Ehlinger, the creator of the 2007 film that’s free on youtube, is an extremely racist and misogynistic conservative. He made a political ad so blatantly racist and sexist that youtube has literally resstricted it, so that you can’t share the link outside the site. Simply google his name and you will see dozens upon dozens of articles about how bigoted he is.

Please be aware of what kind of person made that movie when you watch it. His bigotry is baked into the movie, and is why he refused to actually do anything with the original political commentary from the book.

You are not a bad person if you already watched the movie and enjoyed it, but you do need to be aware of what kind of person made it and how that affected the movie, and make sure others are warned. He is also here on tumblr with the username filmladd. I highly recommend blocking him.

___

The tagging system for this blog is under the cut so this post doesn't get too long. More tags will be added as I find more art to reblog.

The tags in use so far, which I have saved to a notepad so I can just copy and paste them as needed.

Some tags are newer, so might not show up on all art! Let me know if there's any that should be added to specific posts, or if there's any tags you want to see to be able to search for!

_

please copy and paste into the original post for accessability no credit needed! It should go directly below the image and stay in regular#text without color italics or bold though you can make it indented like I have it here! Image descriptions are like subtitles for blind ppl

described images, described art, Flatland, Flatland art, Flatart,

transcribed audio, transcribed lyrics, lyrics, music,

Photoedits,

Physical books,

Flatland a Romance of Many Dimensions, Flatland Illustrations,

Book collections, Flatland collections,

The Color Revolt, Configurationism, Circularchy,

Stylized form, Literal form,

Gijinka,

anthropomorphized, humanoid, anthropoid,

objecthead,

Flatland animals, Flatland rabbit, Flatland bees, Flatland horse, Flatland chicken, Flatland dog, Flatland cat, Flatland mouse,

Flatland technology,

Flatland anatomy, Flatland worldbuilding, Flatland cosmology, Flatland structure,

Spaceland worldbuilding,

maps,

A Square, The Sphere,

The Sphere 1965, A Square 1965,

A Square, A Square 2007, A Sphere 2007,

Spherius 2007, the Sphere,

Adam the Square, Spherus the Sphere,

Kormance the Sphere,

The Grandson of a Square, A Square's Wife, The Wife of A Square, The Sons of A Square, The Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather of A Square, The King of Lineland, The Monarch of Pointland, Chromatistes, Chromatistes the Pentagon,

memes, Flatland memes,

Public domain characters in Flatland, Flatland versions of characters,

Public domain characters,

Family Trees, Comic, Animation,

Flatland OCs, Original characters, Flatland original characters,

Character reference,

Disabled characters, Characters with disability aids, Characters with glasses, Characters with visual impairment,

Disabled characters, Neurodivergent characters, Physically disabled characters, Characters with mobility aids, Characters with disability aids, Characters with prosthetics, Characters with canes, Characters with walkers, Characters with swimmers, Characters with glasses, Characters with wheelchairs, Characters with chairs, Characters with sleds, Characters with crutches, Characters with rollators, Characters with scars, Characters with facial differences, Characters with limb differences, Characters with visual impairment, Blind characters,

Queer characters, LGBTQIA+ characters, Gay characters, Bi characters, mspec characters, Lesbian characters, Trans characters, Nonbinary characters, Characters who use neopronouns, Characters who use multiple pronoun sets, Aroace characters, Aspec characters, Omni characters,

Black Characters, Characters of color,

Irregular characters, Deirregular Characters,

Werestars, Stellanthropes, Shapeshifters, dragons, serpents, weredragons,

Characters with wings, Characters with tails,

Sphereland, Flatterland, The Arts of Being, The Breaking Point, Neopronouns in Action, Flat Dreams, Flatterland, Flatland the film 2007, Flatland the movie 2007, Flatland 1965, A Visit to Numberland, Numberland, Flatland Heist 2013,

Neopronouns in Action 062, Neopronouns in Action,

Neopronouns in Action 090, Neopronouns in Action,

A 2024 Flatland Summary,

Tarzan of the Apes, Mickey Mouse,

Dayo,

Esther Flat Dreams, Nora Vigenere, Nora Flat Dreams,

Pollux Codex, Madelyn Schwarz-Carver, Hunter Schwarz, Marianne Smith, Michael the Misogynist Pentagon, Providence, Nature, Providence and Nature, Germs, Mr Square, A Shape,

Oblisi,

Liam,

A Son of A Square,

Cy,

Frau Line,

Lily Cipher,

Ruth Galton, Ruth, Liz, Elizabeth Huntsworth, Stella, Orbis, Irene Huntsworth, Mama Huntsworth, Chief Jr, Atlas Huntsworth, Atlas, Vance,Vance Huntsworth, Elijah, Elijah Huntsworth, Jasper,Jasper Huntsworth, 01 Isosceles,

Vincent, Trey,

Rutabega,

Hauntlight the Irregular Line, Cenotaph the rabbit aether, Sirenade the Irregular Multiangulus, Raptigan the _, Avispa Oro, Beatris Baker, Mo Guy, Unnamed characters, Billie Bob and Joe, Billie the Straight Line, Bob the Circle, Joe the Hexagon,

Jerult the Irregular Kite, Cairis Garret the Equilateral Triangle, Letel the Isosceles Triangle, Aralinda the Straight Line, Leteralinda the Straight Line, Ambrosine the Straight Line, Lucille the Straight Line, Carolayn the Kite, Tristram the Isosceles Triangle,

Arsenn Lupin, Arsene Lupin, AScrossover, Arsene Lupin crossover, Ortence Daniel, Hortense Daniel,

Flyssa of Ib-Wa, Dearg of Ib-Wa, Lieutenant Kellite the Configurationist, Grandna Tuokeli,

Angelica Tessan, A Tesseract, Abel Spherious, A Sphere, Anthony Squaur, A Square,

Vikki Line, Victoria Line, Lee Line, Jubilee Line,

Huffy,

Bill Cipher, Gravity Falls, GFcrossover, The Book of Bill, , Flatfalls, The Mother of Bill Cipher, The Father of Bill Cipher,

Dipper Pines, Mabel Pines, Ford Pines, The Axolotl, Andrew Kryptos, The Mosaic,

Carlton,

Randie,Gravity Falls, GFcrossover, Flatfalls,

Flatsune Miku, Hatsune Miku,

Astrum, Astrum the five pointed star, Funis, Pi,

Ted the vwindir,

A Squared shipping, Quadsphere shipping, ASquarexTheSphere, Squaresphere, Squeer,

Spacelanders, Flatlanders, Linelanders, Pointlanders, Hyperspacelanders, Exter Dimensional beings, Higher Dimensional Beings, Beings From Unknnown Dimensions, Planiversers, Numberlandians,

Walking Flatlanders, Swimflying Flatlanders,

Alternate Universe Forms,

Video, autoplay, GIF, Autoplay, WIP animation, Unnamed Animation 001, Animation,

games, downloads,

Flatland Merch, Art you can buy, Art you can print,

public domain art, public domain designs, public domain characters,

Square characters, Sphere characters,

Straight Line characters, Irregular Line characters,

Triangle characters, Isosceles characters, Equilateral characters, Scalene characters,

Rectangle characters, Irregular square characters, Kite characters,

Circle characters, Irregular circle characters,

Pentagon characters, Hexagon characters, Septagon characters, Octagon characters,

unspecific characters,

Art templates,

plush, plushies, arts and crafts,

Ty for adding it to the original,:), ID added in reblog, ID in original,:),

Plain text ID added in reblog, Original ID in ALT text, :),

[withacapitalp]

this got so long i'm sorry lol. that post about jonathan hurting steve just reminds me of my number one issue w steve and jonathan/nancy becoming closer which is that the onus is almost always placed on steve to make amends and take that first step w/little to no emphasis on that effort being reciprocated. like, steve apologizes to jonathan for everything in s1 (as he should) and saves his life twice. whether or not you think jonathan should apologize for how intense the fight got is up for debate (i would just like acknowledgement of how seriously he did/almost did hurt steve) but steve def deserves an apology for 1)the photos (which he never got - obv he broke the camera but then he also bought jonathan a new one all w no actual apology to steve on jonathan's part, it wasn't only nancy's privacy he invaded) 2) the fact that he slept w nancy knowing she and steve were still together (which he literally verbally acknowledges when nancy says she waited for him or w/e). that second one obv also goes for nancy bc she also doesn't apologize to steve for leading him on for a year while having feelings for someone else then cheating on him. this isn't me saying jancy are terrible ppl and entirely unsympathetic (nancy is obv v traumatized and struggling w barb's death tho this does not excuse the way she treated steve) but they both did some fucked up shit to steve that ppl rarely make them acknowledge or even feel bad for, which creates a v unbalanced dynamic imo.

Oh boy this did get long!!

So this might just be curating different fandom experiences, but I don't personally see a ton of Steve being the one who has to make amends in fandom or Jonathan and Nancy not having introspection on their pasts. In canon I totally see that though, and it's a lot. Like I think they're all just really human, which I love. They fuck up, and they mistrust, and they have to learn and grow into being close. It isn't automatic.

I think like.......here's my thought process. Apologies are nice. Apologies are good. The right thing to do is always to apologize if you feel like you've wronged someone.

But I also think Steve wouldn't accept it.

Okay I'm putting the rest under a read more because I'm going on a little meta rant on Steve Jonathan Nancy and why apologies are a complicated thing for them and ultimately not what any of them really need.

First Steve because he's my blorbo. Steve is a really interesting character. He has this veneer of extreme self confidence that hides a really soft core of a person that ultimately experiences a significant amount of rejection. He has this brittle exterior that's bitchy and snarky and gives as good as it gets, but things touch him in a deeper way that I think is easy for a lot of people to ignore. I could totally see Jonathan awkwardly trying to bring things up to maybe try and apologize only for Steve to be like nah man we're fine! It didn't work out no biggie, I'm aok, you guys work together and we didn't.

Steve is constantly searching for validation and love (Implied because his parents are neglectful or at the very least have an extremely bad marriage that would be enough to add layers to anything) I think that the bullshit conversation really impacted Steve in a significant way, but if he shared that, then he's leaving himself vulnerable to getting hurt again, so he would do everything in his power to truly make everyone think he's okay, even potentially making himself think he's okay too, when deep down he isn't.

I alsoooo don't really think that Nancy or Jonathan necessarily feel bad. If Steve is pushing so hard to say he isn't hurt, then eventually I could see them not thinking too hard on it. Jonathan because in canon they aren't really friends obviously (Which is a goddamn travesty by the way I wrote an entire series of fics because I hated that they weren't friends) and Nancy because Nancy is an extremely self focused person.

Not selfish. I think it's important to make the distinction between selfish and self-focused. I don't think she's intentionally doing things to hurt the people around her for her own gain, but she thinks about how things effect her and how things impact her first and foremost. Not even just with Steve, but with everyone. A good example of this is in season three when she cost Jonathan his job too with her sleuthing. Her boyfriend who is in a very bad financial situation at home and could have really used a job that actually pertained to his interests and might have lead to future relationships in his industry. She didn't feel bad about that, she was too focused on the injustice to her. Even something as simple as never knocking when he's in the dark room and ruining his pictures over and over.

She just doesn't think about other people, which makes sense! She's a teenager, she's a privileged person, and she's smart as all hell. She gets extremely focused on doing the 'right' thing (according to her rules and her mind because she knows she's smart and thinks she's the smartest in the room always) and she misses doing the best thing a lot of the time.

For Steve, someone who is clearly extremely not self focused-which is also not a great way to be because extremes never are- and Jonathan- Someone who has been forced to put his family first his entire life- that is always going to be a point of conflict in her relationships with them.

But I don't know if we've ever seen Nancy give a genuine apology in the show, and I honestly doubt we ever would. It's not in her character really. But! Regardless of all of that, apology isn't really the end goal. Saying your sorry shouldn't be the end of something. I would much rather see Nancy Steve and Jonathan grow into people with more empathy and ability to own up to their shit/call people out on their stuff in the future rather than rehashing their past again. Unfortunately I have a feeling season five is gonna be a lot of rehashing lmaoooo

[m1ckeyb3rry]

FOUL PLAY omg it must be the govt again….trying to get more trainers SMH

The calculus jumpscare I can’t LMAOO bro not Barou watching out for us from heaven I’m imagining your Barou doodle plus that one so sorry I died audio SHSHSHSS

Ok I changed my mind I’m merging them all back together oops

Omg bro the itoshi sae effect is crazy I need to know what ppl see in him (or don’t see LMAOO) whatever suits their fancy ig im very shocked there was no Nagi though considering he’s also pretty big

LMAOOO I remember searching up the lore for it once and being like wtf wait the fact that there’s fire grass but no rock normal is kinda baffling like huh there’s none????

SHSHSSH NOEL NOA BEFORE NAGI they got the wrong light haired striker imagine the Noel one hits 50k LMAOO

SHEHSH Rin nation really cut it close it’s funny how they actually did manage to get one in though

Ok wait yk that theory of like Prof oak getting with Delia (ash’s mom) while ash is away (this is a WILD theory but) imagine aiku tries to rizz up nikos mom while he’s journeying LAMAOOOOOO anyways

HAHA notion coming in clutch fr I used to just scroll through your blog occasionally or rely on my memory (bad move) but now I’ve just given up and saved if separately LMAO

Mmmm yes pokemon and their trainers developing hand in hand we love to see it

LMAO YES joltik alpha wolf moment that’s also why the next time Karasu has to go against it he throws out his garchomp LMAOO the Gordon Ramsay meme has me gone consider this too Karasu channels his inner step bro Barou moment x Gordon Ramsay chemical reaction and goes “otoya you fucking donkey”

Charles Shidou and hoopa is a recipe for disaster they’re about the change the tilt of the planets axis there goes the peaceful wedding reception

The word count inflation is actually insane I’m not sure I’ll ever look at a wc under 1k the same way (jk some are still fire but ykwim)

KARASU TIME ok serious more angsty right make him drown this time.

/hj LMAOOO I mean if you’re so inclined itd be interesting Karasu truly very versatile though so many avenues for suffering!

- Karasu anon

LMAOO okay lowkey if we want to throw some team x drama in there maybe his house was victim of a larger scale team x raid?? hehehe we will see…either way it’s rough for the poor guy

I’M SORRY I LOVE CALC 😭 i always get funny looks for it but i must speak my truth i think it’s so fun (specifically integration i LOVE integration) but HAHAHAHA that’s exactly what i was picturing like that one fuck ass sketch of him like 😢 with that audio LMAO

honestly i feel like sae is the kind of character i would usually like?? i tend to like prodigy/genius characters that are super good at what they do (so like yuta and megumi in jjk for example) which fits sae super well but for some reason i just never got into him like that (also his early manga appearances are so cursed omg i better never see a sae fan slandering 8bit they saved his entire career) anyways ig that description also fits my actual top 3 (nagi obviously, karasu as no3, and barou again is kinda clear) plus those three are much more my typical type…karasu and barou with the spiky black hair and nagi with the soft white hair 🤩 NAH FR I KNEW NAGI WAS ON TJE OUTS W THE FANDOM LATELY BUT ZERO REQS FOR HIM?? truly insane work…tbh i actually don’t mind because i’m so particular with how i write nagi that adhering to someone else’s vision might stress me out so it’s not a huge deal that he didn’t get requested i just think the composition is hilarious there’s so much much sae and karasu (karasu fr pulling through if nothing else ik i’ll always get a req or two of him…the kuni love triangle with him is abt to go crazy)

YEAH I WAS LOWKEY SURPRISED ASF TOO but apparently rock is also the only type that’s never been paired with ghost?? i think that’s really interesting kinda random but huh the more you know

THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYINGGG WDYM WE GOT NOEL NOA BEFORE NAGI 🧐⁉️ but they requested a crime au and said they’re not super married to how it goes but they just want a happy ending you know i’m abt to go full murder mystery in this bitch 🔥 jkjk ofc but i think it’ll be really fun considering i’ve never written noa OR anything crime related before!! tbh i wasn’t expecting anyone to pick it but it should be fun 😈 ngl i’m surprised forbidden love, supernatural au (as in vampires and werewolves and shit not the actual show which i haven’t watched), historical au, and arranged marriage didn’t have ANY takers but oh well all of the tropes i do have lined up look like they’ll be super cool so i am excited 🤩

i was sitting there like “hm i wonder who the last req will be for…lowkey can’t believe we haven’t gotten any rin” and then BAM there the notif was i was like holy shit i just closed the app 😭 rip nagi yukimiya otoya you’ll get em next time (at least i get to try writing reo for the first time hehehe i loveeee reo 🥹) wait if you think abt it we got the entire opp squad on the masterlist…kaiser sae isagi AND rin those four truly are inescapable 😩 WAIT YKW WOULD’VE SLAYED AN AIKU REQ pls i didn’t even care abt aiku pre oaeu but now he’s like a silly fav LMAOAOA like i don’t even find him that attractive as you know i just think he’s hilarious and so fun to write (ig the aikulations will have to be reserved for the oaeu fr)

ok wait now that i’m thinking abt it once bllk s2 comes out and the fandom hopefully grows i lowkey might hit another milestone kinda quickly so everyone who didn’t get a req this time around can hopefully be redeemed then 🤩 especially since more people will remember/know/care about tabieitaken and nagi right after third selection and u20 (although sae will def be big too atp i should just change to a sae theme /j)

HELPP AIKU TRYING TO RIZZ UP NIKO’S MOM the craziest part is technically they’d be in the same age group considering aiku’s older than reader and co (he’s in the barou age bracket so it’s only a few years but still) and niko’s the same age as nagiy/n’s daughter here so he actually could become niko’s step father…or dare i say the father who stepped up 🤔

karasu bringing out garchomp against joltik is so funny bro is NOT playing…joltik (or ig galvantula because it def evolves before karasu’s gible gets all of the way to garchomp status) puts up a good fight but in the end it’s overwhelmed 😩 so then reader busts out the big guns and tosses in hydreigon or gyarados and karasu’s cooked 😭

PLS karasu and gordon ramsay is such an iconic chemical reaction it’s too good and omg i almost used the gordon ramsay you fucking donkey quote but then i was like “nah this is too barou” he def would say that though and reader would like start crying because it reminds her of barou meanwhile karasu’s like damn i didn’t know you took the anti bullying campaign that seriously 😟

HAHA charles and shidou are bad enough on their own adding hoopa into the mix is CRAZY hoopa’s a psychic/ghost type so it’s 4x weak to ghost and dark types i bet houndoom and aegislash get put on legendary babysitting duty (hydreigon would also be involved but it’s too busy networking w yveltal…bro is fr in his mira era trying to get those linkedin connections and whatnot)

proud to be a word count inflator nah fr though whenever i see someone post a 3k word one shot and be like “i got carried away this is so long” it instantly recalibrates me because to me 3k is mega short and tiny…like carried away with a one shot means 10k+ (depending on the idea…like i wouldn’t say i got carried away w barou’s oaeu even though it’s abt 10k words meanwhile freaky friday at 8-9k ish definitely got carried away…not to mention both bfbs which are drastically different in length but both long given the time frames of the plots and what they’re trying to achieve???)

LMAOOO I DON’T MEAN CHARACTER DEATH ANGST more so smth along the lines of the instrument (specifically the first part) and wicked game (kiyora fic) idk if you know what i’m saying…not angsty depressed vibes or anything but like i want there to be a tinge of melancholy and maturity to it instead of the typical karasu goofiness (bfb isn’t quite crack but because they’re kids for so much of it there’s not that same punch yk) idk if i’ll actually get around to doing it for a sec though…much to be written not enough time to be writing it all i fear

[blueberrylovv]

pls read ik its long sorry but ćrę3p alert!!!

okay so basically these 4 acc are the same person, you might know them as the wàttpàd link person, they are going around rèpòrtìng people (if you got an anon 'reported' in your inbox that was them) especially if you side with me or høney or just criticise them or even engage with any of my responses to their asks (my bestie who literally only uses her acc to interact with me and doesn't post anything reblogged my answer to them yesterday and got anon 'rèpòrted' in her inbox like 3 minutes after that hmmmm i wonder who that was since she literally doesnt engage with anyone else but me and her acc is literally blank with just a few of my posts reblogged hmmm)

the list of the accounts I know of for easy copy and paste into search (just replace the first number in the name with the letter) if you cant search fro them there should be links to their posts in the comments, some ppl cant find them through search even tho they are not blóćkęd by them just heads up

l1ttlereader2024

m0lasseslasts

blu3b3rryl0v3sblgg3sttarg3t (used to be pr3ttyinpink2028 and then gymg0er4life and then 4ndanotherchange )

gr0tesquefreakkkk

they claim they are different ppl, they even 'talk' to each other in comments sections but some of the accounts are literally brand new and only follow/post about each other

the molasses one even has this rancid 'but I hate honey' line in the intro post, this is clearly just honey stälk1ng/hàr4ssmeņt account (honey got these two asks one after another)

it also seems that they are crosstagging across their blog? (on the reader acc) because some posts are tagged with the new jęlly tags but then others are tagged with i think the ręcóvry versions of the jęly tag? (not to mention they are also using hóneydet tag to promote their story)

I'm not telling you to bĺòck/rèpoŕt for me or honey (bc I'm pretty sure we got rèpòrtèd to he1l already lol I don't think there's any way to save our souls now) but literally bc they just jump people and spam repòrtŝ until the acc gets got - and just fyi we were cool until we rejected/ignored their fvckasś links - for someone who's so adamant about the fact that we are pro or whatever or just the satan himself you were quite persistent while begging us over and over again to make boards/dets/posts about the characters in your story so which one is it are we cool or are we the worst thing that happened to this side of the blr huh like you can't like us only when you need smth from us love you literally followed me like a stray dog here across all of my previous account you literally sent me the link to this acc back when it was still empty and intended as a bàckùp like

in conclusion this is stąłkęr behaviour, whenever me or honey błóck them suddenly a new acc that got made 10 minutes ago pops up and spams our inboxes and the only acc the new acc follows are these 4 i mentioned pls blóćk, pępórt and ręblóg so people can protect their blogs from this person whatever their end goal is

[jjkyaoi]

hi. i figured that while i’m on that crime boys grind, that i should. cracks knuckles. pop off with something that makes yall cry, so

i’ve been rewatching the wilbur tour stream with tommy recently, and there’s some things i noticed about what c!tommy had to say to his chat about getting wilbur stone that i haven’t seen people talk about much? and because i’m thinking about it —and, honestly because i’m sort of tired of the ppl misinterpreting how c!tommy feels about c!wilbur— i’m just gonna. does my silly little dance. use my big boy brain and talk abt it

“nonono, i know about the manipulation, i don’t *care!* cause he doesn’t think i can! ....which, obviously i can, so i’ve obviously proved that— but it’s not *about* that! i know he’s trying to manipulate me and it won’t *work.”*

so, here it’s obvious that c!tommy is struggling about how he feels about the interaction he’d just had. he seems to be slightly caught up in the fact that wilbur doesn’t think he can get the stone, and that’s something that he has to remind himself “isn’t the point”, but *also,* the fact that he later on says this;

“and he would be impressed with me, which, admittedly would feel nice, cause it’s—cause it’s nice... and it.. it doesn’t matter, though, but it—it *would* be nice.”

clearly, all the bad past experiences he’s had with wilbur has lead him to distrust the man— has lead him to view the man as somebody who “can’t be trusted” no matter what and somebody who “hasn’t changed since pogtopia”, especially considering later on he goes on to say this

“cause he’s gonna start another *thing.* and if he thinks l’manberg.. was just a way so he could get in....”

“oh no. i’m gonna have to— he’s gonna destroy the server, if he likes dream.”

clearly, wilbur’s earlier interactions— the things he said to him, whether they be true or untrue about l’manberg and dream has lead to tommy not trusting him even more— or, the words had such an affect on him/hurt him to the degree where it’s doubled down on the little trust he has for c!wilbur, and hearing wilbur openly admit that he likes c!dream, the man who’s been tormenting him to no end, puts him in tommy’s “enemies” category— makes him think that he’s gonna destroy the server and he’s gonna have to go against him, whether he likes it or doesn’t like it or whether it be true or it isn’t.

c!tommy is currently,,, conflicted on how he feels about c!wilbur, to say the least. we don’t know the interactions he had in limbo with wilbur, but it caused his view of the man to go from apprehensive to aggression. even saying *this* to ranboo and tubbo in the revival stream.

“do you think i liked wilbur? is that what this is about?”

and when ranboo goes on to say,

“*the* wilbur? like, your friend?”

tommy responds,

“we are not *fucking* friends, ranboo.”

beforehand, if tommy were to be told that, he wouldn’t have such a violent reaction— he wouldn’t have dismissed his ally ship with wilbur completely, wouldn’t have said that they weren’t friends entirely. tommy’s main motivation in the past was dedicated to wilbur— the *real* wilbur, so it’s confusing yet, if you think about it, there’s some reasons for why he could react so violently against c!wilbur.

going back to the limbo interactions. there’s like, what, some canon months worth of interactions we didn’t get to see in there? we only got to see *one* interaction out of months worth, but when c!tommy came back he didn’t seem— he didn’t act like the interactions were very pleasant. it’s off screen interactions so there’s plenty room for interpretation, but c!tommy has hinted, multiple times that whatever interactions he’d had with wilbur in there weren’t good, even to the point of begging c!dream to not revive wilbur, when beforehand the most he’d been about c!wilbur’s possible revival was nervous, even going so far as to say that he’d be his *friend* just so he doesn’t revive wilbur, and in the revival stream c!tommy was looking genuinely scared at the possibility of wilbur being back, going “you don’t understand, *wilbur’s back”* in a tone that, obviously couldn’t mean good things or isnt said in a pleasant way.

tldr. a part of tommy things wilbur is going to do something dangerous. this mistrust/believe is a combination of all the unresolved trauma he has from wilbur from the past, the off screen limbo interactions, and c!wilbur unintentionally adding fuel to the fire by saying that he believes his literal abuser is the hero and that he didn’t really care for l’manberg —which, i don’t believe is true - in the least, but regardless, isn’t a good thing to say to c!tommy— which is just a huge heap of garbage onto “the reasons why c!tommy doesn’t trust c!wilbur, the saga”.

however, this doesn’t mean i’m saying c!tommy thinks wilbur is completely irredeemable/thinks he’s the spawn of satan, either. he doesn’t trust him, yes, but there’s *care* there, like the tangent c!tommy went on about how it would be nice for c!wilbur to be impressed with him for getting stone/possibly praise him; he still searches ofter the man’s reassurance praise and, probably always will, because c!wilbur had sort of always been a guidance figure for tommy for so long. c!tommy currently doesn’t trust wilbur, but there’s also a part of him for yearns for the man’s praise and his attention, which is the reason why he got the stone so quickly, though he furiously said that “wasn’t the point”.

and also, c!tommy’s entire monologue about “not giving up on people” to foolish, to which he said that c!wilbur wanted people to see him as the villain, iirc, which is. Interesting. to me, because it’s clear that he still hasn’t gotten completely rid of the “c!wilbur is the villain” mentality in his mind, but from that sentence alone he’s trying to understand c!wilbur more, and also his whole speech about how “if you care about somebody, don’t give up on them”. c!tommy’s feelings on wilbur currently are complicated, but he’s always been willing to follow him to the ends of the earth— he’s always trusted and loved that man with his entire heart, so that basically means that, yea, he still might think c!wilbur is a bad guy and not entirely trust him, but he also isn’t going to give up on him. and he’d said he “didn’t have it in him to save the server before” so it makes me think that 👁️ maybe he’ll just try to convince c!wilbur to the “good side”? thinks he doesn’t think he’s on the good side?? perhaps??

i don’t know. i’m just thinking about them. c!crime boys make me so very Emotional there’s so much - to them and i just ,,,, hold it gently. c!crime boys how do u manage to be one of the most bittersweet dynamics on this server

[batarangsoundsdumb]

hae interrogationes multae respondeant quia demens .

if you read this entire ask post you deserve a gold star and financial recompensation

Um, Obviously because when you’re adopted by a white guy you automatically become white duhhh

this is about this post lmao and yeah youre absolutely right, you have to hand your poc card in when you get adopted by a white guy.

Do you think Cass would listen to Yanni, the YouTube channel epic symphonic rock, or some other stuff? There's some cool mashups but idk if that's up your alley, I kinda feel like I'm pushing it with my weird taste of music by recommending an orchestra cover of metal, but i just love that sort of thing and mashups :P @harvestyourcherries 

i haven’t heard of that? but in my personal (correct) opinion steph listens to classical music, and then both modern and older, and then also stuff like black sabbath, iron maiden, but also hardrock and hardcore. i like the idea of cass just liking the most extreme screaming songs full of noise and then also listen to pachelbel’s 370th sonata yanno? THANK YOU for the rec tho

speaking of ur cass playlist hc...reminds of the time (yesterday) i found 2 playlists randomly on spotify from the same user. one was abt 3 hours of instrumental/classical "dark" & "nostalgic" music. the other almost 11 hours of nothing but hardcore bass/synth/electronic music. just an incredible tightrope act to put on in public. the synth one was also called like "psalms for synth sluts" which is Also incredible

tbh i LOVE synth SO MUCH like for no reason at all but then also cannot handle a poppy electronic beat lmao. but this seems like the kinda thing i’d do but just in one (1) playlist bc i just sort songs by vibe instead of genre? that’s how i end up with britney spears and billy ray cyrus in the same playlist. 

Oh, I want Kate Kane playlist next! It would be amazing if you could do one when you have time and will 🙏

how rude would it be of me to just say no? like sorry kate but idk you and also you seem way too keen on the us military for an institution that homophobically targeted you? (and also commits war crimes) but let’s unpack the fact that the institution that caused the death of your mom and sister and also got you blacklisted for being gay is still one you align with???

'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' --- when i tell you i fucking screamed LOL!!!!!!! i can imagine the cameraman not knowing if he should cut to commercial or keep it on these two weirdos fighting on stage (bruce definitely ruffled dick's hair/noogied him right?? 

about this post but yeah lmao. this cameraman just turns to like the audience to get a reaction and it’s just multiple moments of CLEAR shock.

you are the only funny person on this hellsite

how egotistical is it for me to say that i get this ask multiple times a month? bc it literally happens so often it’s hilarious to me.

Wish there was more john/Bruce content 😔😔😔 was so hungry I actually looked at canon media 😔😔😔 (Justice League Dark babeeeyyyyyy)

check out batman: damned for some mediocre content but at least it’s john/bruce (also very interesting story and stuff, just got very >:( over this weird part where harley quinn tried to r*pe bruce or something? it’s not for everyone)

dick grayson but he's nicki minaj

his anaconda don’t want none,,, unless...... 

Dick Grayson was never a cop, he played Marshall on Paw Patrol

you are SO right. also paw patrol is a fucking good show idc. that shit could’ve been the new steven universe on this hellsite.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1lI0bLI7-/?utm_medium=copy_link

...

why do people keep reposting my CONTENT. if you are not funny yourself don’t just grab shit off of tumblr and post it on insta,,, get a life. sidenote: should i start an insta and get all these ppl to take my content down that would be funny as hell.

Might I suggest for a Gotham City Meme: something about the true crime fandom thirsting for the rogues gallery

ok can i just say something slightly controversial?? no? i don’t find true crime ppl who are into criminals funny, that shits disturbing irl im not gonna bring that into my very chill universe.

i may have never seen a 'jason cleaning guns in sink' fic but i do know he WOULD

THANK YOU

bestie im sorry to say this to you but while you can, and people do wash their guns in the sink, that is a lot of lead in a very vital part of the kitchen.

people tend to do it in the bathtub.

WHY???? like damn why do you even have guns

i dont think i read many gun sink fics exactly but i have read lots of fics where jason cleanes his guns in the living room. usualy dissembles them and cleans them with a rag i think

lmao fair enough, like i think that’s a large part of what i remember as well.

if you say you've seen/read gun sink fics I believe you. I think those of us who didn't see them are lucky or maybe didn't search for fics by tags or something idk

i mean ive never sought them out but i HAVE seen them,, like definitely i know almost for certain.

saw your tags and I'm interested in Steph/Kara now. They would be the most chaotic couple <3

literally thoooo, i have a wip where they get together in a zombie apocalypse and like UGGGHhhh i am so in love with them.

I am the Breece anon. Thanks for the recommendation; am reading now. I’ve always been a hardcore Superman fan because I love my pure himbo farm boy. My logic is, if one Bruce is a Broose, then multiple Broose are a herd of Breece. And this is a hill upon which I will perish.

fair enough,,,, like moose, meese, goose, geese, bruce, breece. i get your logic and i stand by it as well. (glad you enjoyed the comic recs!!!!)

It's a beautiful day in Gotham, and you are a group of horrible Breece

OH my god dude lmao

there only being 42 fics on ao3 for tim and bernard is honestly so sad i need more

it’s like twice that now!!! we did it lads. (tho very sad that my fic isnt number one but like number 4 :((((  )

i'm too late you already did the poll lol but may i suggest bethy (bernard + timothy)

shit dude that wouldve been so fucking funnyyyyy. think ppl have just stuck to timber tho, tim/bernard kinda died down recently and i think it’s too bad, they’re a great couple and i love them.

Wait, hear me out

Bernothy @redlightofdawn

great recommendation (lmao this ask is from like a month ago) but very sorry to announce that NARDTH is the superior shipname

Wait, we know that bernard likes milfs (Tim's step-mom) but what about dilfs? gilfs?

Wait no, I regret sending that ask

these were two seperate asks and they’re HILARIOUS. in my personal opinion tho,,, milfs, gilfs, dilfs are just about vibes and bernard is just attracted to sexy ppl who may sometimes be milfs, dilfs, or EVEN gilfs.

crime in bludhaven would drop to half if nightwing had a boob window. in this essay i will-

WHERE’S THE ESSAY ANON, WHERE’S THE FUCKING ESSAY

Wait if Barbra and Tim r at opposite ends at all times what happened to Barbra once everyone’s Tim’s ever love before started dying lol

she won a lottery ticket and spent 2 weeks on a resort in the bahamas before returning home and finding out that the joker was arrested for tax evasion and then spent a month staying at her big tiddie goth girlfriend’s house before conner came back to life and she broke her pinkie playing table hockey.

Why is the opposite end thing so funny and compelling to me. Tim comes back from his depression quest for Bruce and Babs is now a literal god

lmao when tim loses his spleen barbara reaches nirvana.

Are you still taking music recs because I have three songs that remind me of Jason that I think you'd like

send to me or lose a toe

🌸 ⭐ put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity! ⭐🌸😋

thanks, i wont tho on account of i wont.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMduBy3Sr/

⬆️

This is the whole of Blüdhaven and everyone anywhere.

Nightwings ass alone saves more people in a calendar year and does more for so society than most heroes do their whole career.Also u are one of the funniest tumblr pages out there. The vibes are unmatched and the memes and tags ✨send me✨.Thank u and goodnight @julia-flow 

fanksss also lmao.

That's going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but

There's some music that you listen to and you think, "oh my gosh, I can perfectly imagine Dick Grayson singing this song, with the same voice as the singer because that voice matches with Dick Grayson"?

oh yeah totally lmao. i have a lot of songs that i think are just entirely dick grayson yanno? kind of all of my playlists have that vibe, but i really find bleachers to fit with dick? idk.

"Lois lane/Superman" fics this, "Lois lane/Clark Kent" fics that, (/lh) let's get into the real good stuff. Some people ship Lois, Clark, and Superman as a throuple. Most popular fic tag for sure

yes totally, i think they’d be absolutely killer on ao3 and clark gets so fucking embarassed about it.

I miss your post, hope you’re doing okay!!

haha this was like 2 months ago, but i was doing fine then too! just didn’t have a lot of inspiration in terms of content.

Doot doot!

noot noot

I’m confused. What did DC do now? Like with nightwing? And another sibling? Please spoil everything for me

lmao they gave him a secret sister plotline where they had his dad cheat on his mom with tony zucco’s wife, bc dick’s life wasn’t traumatic enough yet.

sorry but it's so funny that batman is called "the dark knight" when the gotham city baseball team is called the gotham knights. it'd be like if a vigilante was running around new york called like "the scary yankee"

lmaooo no. but like yankee comes from dutch names or something so wouldnt it be HILARIOUS if gotham knights came from like german names and bruce would be running around called the dark KLAUS UND NIEK @graysonnightwing 

(not a batcest shipper) it’s so funny to me that the responses are “i’m a batcest shipper because i can differentiate fiction from reality and and it doesn’t bother me personally, but i understand why you oils think it’s weird” to “i wish all batcest shippers a very fucking die”

yeah lmaoo. i personally basically flipped my entire stance around to ‘i dont care please leave me and everybody else alone’ bc i think there’s really no point in starting a moral dillema over some fucking fandom bullshit. Please just,,, go home,,, log off, find a nice forest to have a little walk in and remember that somewhere in history, somebody probably died in the place you’re standing. and you will also die someday, and somebody will have to look at your internet usage and see you fighting multiple people anonymously while being named ‘nightwingsbuttchin200186′ like... calm down, we’re all gonna die this is not the thing to worry about.

so since like "wards" don't really exist in modern society almost all the batkids are foster kids, right? i used to work in the system and imagine: monthly visits from social workers and guardian ad litems, bruce having to get permission to take the boys anywhere out of state, calling their social worker at like 8 a.m. like "yeah dick broke his arm again... a gymnastics accident this time...." their poor social worker. bruce send her a huge bouquet and box of chocolates every month to stay on her good side

i imagine the social worker just getting into the case like ‘yeah let’s get this kid a good guardian’ and then ending up having to work with 22 y/o bruce wayne and his 50 y/o dad. and so this social worker is like ‘okay we can work with this, this is the best home i can find’ and then like it ends up landing on its feet and then the kid gets adopted and then they get a call a year later like ‘uhm so hi, this kid tried to steal my tyres can i adopt him?’ and like 3 years later. ‘okay so basically, my neighbours’ kid imprinted on me and now they’re dead, can i keep him?’ two years later it’s like ‘okay so this assassin child-’

ever since I saw that one post of yours, the meme that's something like "I know that abba's backup dancer got me" with a picture of discowing, I've been haunted. Every once in a while I'll be minding my own business then the image of abba's backup dancer dick grayson aka nightwing aka discowing will flash in my mind and I'll be frozen in place. Today at work I was in the middle of folding clothes and suddenly once again discowing entered my mind and I suddenly lost the ability to see anything except He. Thank you.

wow. the IMPACT.

Braver than any US marine man props to you🤝

this shit is about the time i wrote an article on batcest, like man,,, the fact that i didn’t get cancelled is MIRACULOUS. also like,,, uh if anybody on here did gossip on me,, send screenshots i’d love to see it.

Hello, just wanted to say your article was great. Thank you for taking the time to provide an unbaised answer. It should provide people with nuances they couldn't possibly conjure on their own.

May I ask where your username originates from?

yes you may (also thanks!!!) i thought it up when i was trying to find an original username bc i didnt want to be called like ‘timdrakes something something’ or ‘jason todd something smoething’ or ‘dick grayson something something’ yanno? so i thought batarangs, they sound so dumb and that’s my username story... now it’s my whole entire brand lmao.

yno that bit in kick ass where red mist asks kick ass if he wants a hit of his blunt, was that the inspo for stoner tim

no? it’s bc i think stoners are hilarious and drugs are great. (dont do drugs tho) 

How would u feel if someone actually wore one of those bruce or ollie pride shirts u edited

fenomenal next question.

Dick as lil huddy and Jason as James gave me radiation poisoning and now I’m screaming crying throwing up so thx for that

(Rico suave as Tim is perfect tho literally no changes needed)

i was so funny for that shit wasn’t i??? lmao i loved those weird ass fancasts

You're doing the Lord's work by providing us with all these Gotham/Metropolis citizens memes, thank you for being so relentlessly funny @nellethiel-aranel

you’re welcome!! i really enjoy making memes, but getting validation for my content and my memes is REALLY nice.

Bruce is such a slut in your memes and honestly i love that for him @rhodey-rhudert-rhodes-main 

he’s that much of a slut irl too dw.

Bruce and Alfred have an emergency pride flag for the batkids. Oliver Queen printed an emergency "I love my gay son" t-shirt and as soon as Roy told him he was dating Jason, Oliver started wearing that shirt everyday and Roy always cringes when he sees it. Oliver also has an emergency "I love my lesbian daughter" shirt just in case for Cissie.

lmao YES i had a post like this bc like all of their kids/family members are so gayy

stop bringing back batfam fancasts it is not real it is not real it is not- 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

oh yes it is my darling.

did discowing burn down the notredam because he hates the bees? @allulily

no he did it bc fuck the french.

im gonna beg for 1 thing and 1 thing only. please please please put physical by olivia newton john on dick's playlist

okay then beg. bc i wont. physical reminds me too much of glee and that hurts me mentally.

your playlist is sorely missing some Madonna. Specifically Into the Groove, Like a Prayer, and Vogue

i’m scared of madonna that’s why she’s not on there. she haunts me in my dreams.

suggestion: son of batman by aaron dews for dick’s playlist🤩

sorry, i listened to it and the vibe didn’t agree with me.

Hear me out, metropolis citizens sending rare pair fics of Clark Kent x Superman fics to Lois to edit

yes, absolutely hilarious. even more funny if they send like physical copies, no address attached and lois sends it back marked with red ink, SOMEHOW

Imagine all the smut Clark must of read editing the fics

clark reads smut confirmeeed

NOT LOIS READING SUPERBAT PORN AND EDITING IT A 2AM 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

hc that alfred is a meta that boosts healing factor of the people around him. if the bats are injured as much as they seem to be they would be doing bat stuff MAYBE half the year. no one including alfred knows about this. whenever the kids move out they inexplicably dont recover from injuries as fast and feel better whenever they visit the manor they just chalk it up to homesickness. bruce just thinks he heals really fast. alfred thinks everyone doesnt take care of themselves properly @finchcollector

that’s actually such a great idea, but i think that alfred would find out and learn how to concentrate it better so he can help more people, bc he’s great and i love him.

One of your dickfast posts reminded me of that tweet that goes: 'so you've had sex how many times? Yeah technically that's not a bromance' lol that's dickwally or dickroy

literally tho. like that’s all of dick’s friendships. once it gets past a certain time dick is like ‘wow i wonder what it would be like to make out with wally, wally come make out with me’ and wally’s like ‘we’ve done this like 40 times, dick, you know what it’s like’ and dick is like ‘sorry are you complaining?’ and they just make out.

superfam and batfam associations??

-batman and superman

-dick/barabara and supergirl?

-conner and tim

-jon and damian

pls enlighten me I am confused

nope,,, uhm batman and superman, but dick and superman as well, and then conner and tim, jon and damian and steph + babs with supergirl

I came across a fic in which Wonder Woman calls Batman "Stella" (like Stellaluna, the children's book) and I can imagine the batkids hop on the trend and maybe copies of the book appear at random places (aka, everywhere Bruce frequents)

sorry can’t reciprocate that was the name of my high school chemistry teacher and it gives me nightmares to think about.

good human what are your pronouns?

wouldn’t you like to know?

I need me some gothamites preferring harley over joker memes

everyone prefers harley over joker youre just very fucked up if you dont

don't understand why people try to add like veteran policy to the batfamily

dick pulling out his veteran batfam member card so he can eat first: step aside, peasants

Do you know the song Simmer by Haley Williams? It (the first verse anyways) reminds me of Jason? It's about rage.

damn yeah i LOVE HAYLEY!!!! youre right thoo

Okay so I like listen to your stoner Tim Drake playlist 24/7 but would he listen to skegss? Also I keep adding songs mentally it’s killing me 😩✋🏼 Anyways,, I literally love and worship your playlist 😃🤞🏼 And uh yeah have a good day ✨

stoner tim drake playlist is lyfeeee. also dont know who skeggs is? i’m stupid? have a good day!!

All the Robins (and Batgirl) decide to trade costumes for one night just to fuck with Batman and all the villains in Gotham. @subspacecadet 

batman knows it’s them youknow but like,,, what does he call them? he’s like ‘red hood?’ and 3 people answer and he’s not about to compromise some identities so he’s just Pissed.

I aspire to treat cops the way my dad treats them. This man is a 45 year old Asian immigrant to the US and the treats them like his pets. He talks about them like unruly children. Sometimes he pays off local cops to shut up and stop acting racist. And usually it works. I don’t know why but I can see Oliver Queen doing this

vibes... and also yes? oliver queen handing a local cop a donut to shut the fuck up lmao. but yanno i commit enough crimes to not really want to ever see a cop ever, so they kinda scare the everloving fuck out of me.

seeing as tim hasn't aged in years, that means he was 17 at peak emo tumblr era. im back on my emo tim bullshit and im not letting it go

emo tim had a wattpad account send tweet

People seem to think that batman is so dark and serious when the rainbow batsuit is right there. He wore it with no shame.

dude the 60s were a DIFFERENT TIME

dick grew up in a circus, jason grew up on the streets, and tim was probably raised by the internet

all of them cuss every other word and you cannot tell me otherwise

bitch i KNOW but dc has to change to an 18+ rating if they want to sell comix with swear words in them so we gotta deal with imagining the swear words in ourselves

thoughts on teen titans and young justice

haven’t seen teen titans on account of havent seen it and young justice was LITERALLY my favourite thing ever, tho i do gotta admit it’s not at all similar to the young justice comics unfortunately. i really wouldve liked to see timmy bart kon cassie and cissie animated on tv!!

ew ew ew how to delete batcest shippers I genuinely digust them

log off tumblr?

Okay as poc who was called racist for calling an Italian pastabrain: in the batfam are Italians bit Damian just yells various insults about the others being Italian. Just him yelling “What are you doing you moronic spaghettihead!” At steph etc

huh? i meant real italians. homeboy is telling steph he hopes she chokes on her fucking garlic.

I think it's dumb as hell to pull the batman is the best fighter in the batfam argument because like it's just irresponsible of Bruce to let his kids fight when they couldn't possibly be on his league or something

fair enough, but also like who cares they could all kill you just sit down and take a beating.

lady shiva, thalia al ghul and Selina Kyle are all milfs @notanothertimburtonenthusiastugh 

unfortunately, i have to admit,,, you’re right

why tf didn't someone give joker a death sentence already? like he's a mass murderer...give him the electric chair treatment wtf

idk i think plenty of people would have tried to murder him already (boring answer is: he is a popular character so they can’t kill him off bc he brings in lots of money)

There’s no such thing as “ copaganda”.

all american media is propaganda. happy to clear this up for you

is it bad that I find lady shiva owa owa

no. find her as owa owa as you want.

aight I'm guessing the order of your favs in batfam:

1. tim

2. Steph

3. dick

4. Duke

5. the rest

you’re wrong but it’s cute that you tried, i generally don’t have favourites, but i have a special place in my heart for steph, tim, dick and cass. bc they were like my introduction to batfam. but damian, jason, duke, bruce, babs and alfred are NOT FORGOTTEN OR UNLOVED

oh my god i was literally just readily willing to believe that italians werent white ty for clarifying it was a joke im so dumb sdkvjskdfs

i mean some italians aren’t white? italian is a nationality as well as an ethnicity, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

since I saw so many people doing headcanons about the nationalities of batboys, I see Dick as an Italian.

dont know if youre serious or not, but sure.

super random but

jason 🤝 damian

old english

lmao fair enough.

tim absolutely has 1 gay uncle and his parents shit talk said uncle all the time so after bruce adopts him he specifically reaches out to this uncle to be like "heyyyy just so you know you majorly influenced my life yes i know i havent seen you since i was 5 and at the family reunion yes i know you dont remember my name idc thank you im gay too" and then they never talk again.

yuppp lmao that’s definitely something that could happen. i can also consider tim having no family members, like none. until he does like a dna test and he realises he has like an aunt living barely 2 miles away from him who’s like some illegitimate child of his grandpa.

I dare you one of them sends clark superman/clark fic and clark corrects the shit out of it and then goes like ps his dick is not that big, just telling as someone who has seen it. internet either explodes or goes who tf did he not fuck at this point.

i think everybody would call clark a buzzkill and try to cancel him over that.

so you're telling me Tim Drake wouldn't buy Starbucks?

no. dunkin donuts all the way

One of my favorite things is imagining people finding out jason came back from the dead and being like "oh no does he have magic powers now?!?!?" and he just pulls out a gun and tries to shoot joker

now he doesn’t even have the gun :) lmao

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

bruce gets codename ‘ugh’ everytime. he hates it.

crazy that tim being a 17 y/o ceo and a stoner who does brand deals are all actual canon things written in detective comics comics and not made up for shits and giggles by you, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb @rowdeyclown

SO CRAZY HUH?

batman au where everything is the same but his utility belt is bright pink

absolutely, but i raise you, his boots light up like sketchers when he kicks people.

unbeknownst to the superhero fandom writers in the dcuniverse, clark and BRUCE are one of the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag on ao3. clark writes the best lois x superman angst, full of unhappy endings and scenes that are a so detailed you'd think you were in the middle of a superhero beatdown. bruce made an ao3 account to fuel "the do the butts match" thing, and makes batman/bruce fics from time to time. he wrote a superbat fic as a joke but ended up making it REAL porny. @concrastinator

dude they’re WAY too busy for that. Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan on the other hand are the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag writing what is Mostly porn.

When the dining table topic gets to politics, Steph says "eat the rich" as the solution

bruce just silently takes away her fork and knife while she’s talking.

[yakocchi]

Becoming a Family With Him, Part 3 // Shuichi, Hikaru, Rhion, Luke, Eisuke

so this came out, as further celebration for the anni. VERY GOOD, much more appreciated than the prior story set lol that one was kind of boring but i get it

they made the kids for all the... kid-less ones, and the eisuke one that used to be VIP-exclusive is now here for everyone to buy (rip those ppl who gacha for it)

my rambling behind the cut (spoilers!!)

shuichi // as ud expect, shuichi has a literal hime ass looking girl (kikyo) for a daughter. she’s only 6, but is pretty calm and ladylike. She even calls her parents with –sama so... ok luckily shuichi does not strip down all the way in the presence of her daughter and only takes off his suit coat. thanks dad

anyway since shuichi has a break coming up, he wants to have a family trip how nice. but then the dang girl wants to go over to see eisuke WHAT when soryu exists and lives a block away? unrelatable, im closing the app anyway eisuke is her first love, which wtf he’s like 20 yrs older than u. even worse, mc says she’s been in love since she was like 3.

shuichi is reconsidering the benefits of democracy in his mind but eventually relents. but then they’re still following the fucc-days rule they set years ago. well, as he says in the story, RULES ARE RULES

blah blah i don’t want to go over everything bc then it’ll be boring reading the story when it comes out in engl right? also im tired bc it’s 1 am and i just want to play toontown in bed but nothing really bad happens. they are a v cute family bc shuichi is a pleasant and mature dad. kikyo and mc even do a little surprise for him at the end and it is very sweet. i feel like out of all the families, this is the most ideal

mad hatter // so they have twin sons named Rui and Kai. Rui is the childlike one that resembles Rhion in personality, Kai is the more mature one that resembles Al. man i forget that boy’s name but u get me i know they only can use stock bgs but it’s killing me that these dang kids get to sleep in what looks like separate king sized beds.

even though rhion is now a father of two, he still acts like... 10. i mean he still horni but it makes me feel weird

later it’s revealed that Ota teaches them both as an art tutor bc they both showed an interest in art. this is cute bc ota is bad with kids in this universe LOL

the ending on this one was weird cuz the kids didn’t show up in the entirety of the last ep bc it was about WORK. so uh... interesting

hikaru // so their son is named akari. haha get it because it means light. like how hikaru also means light. can mc name her kids unrelated to their father or is that against the Geneva convention

this kid actually acts like an actual little boy. like what hikaru would’ve probably turned into if not for the whole sad backstory. the story starts with akari just bringing a dog randomly home one day. he actually saved the dog (it is very cute bc he did not want the dog to cry), and then after a talk they decide to keep the dog as long as akari knows the responsibility of taking care of an animal.

so next day, the bidders come over to their house and everyone’s like woaw a dog. lol they come into their house as guests and eisuke and mamo still demand for beverages, they all suck

akari names the dog... “Light” (Raito) and i want out of this nightmare. Naturally bc Light is an abandoned dog it’s still kind of bad with interacting with things. But then Light suddenly be giving the ( ╹ਊ╹) to soryu bc remember, animals love him. everyone clowns on soryu for being an unintentional dog whisperer and then akari is like “soryu san pls make me ur apprentice” and he gives some advice like approaching it slowly, and talking to it from the front instead of back.

blah blah there’s a situation where Light goes YEET after a Doberman gets all angry and then hides bc then another dog is scaring it. hikaru swoops in to the save the day as the Real Dog Whisperer. ok it’s cute when hikaru actually gets to look cool  for once LOL

luke // luke is cute on the bc “pre-story” scene he’s actually pretty open to the idea of having kids; he actually goes “well imo we should think abt it pretty soon, but i wanted to hear ur opinion on it” but then he gets horni. and then he’s like “our kids are going to have your collarbones. awesomeee im looking forward to that” ....ok

ok cut to the actual story and they’re in Japan. Luke’s kid looks... strange versus the others. why are his eyes so big? omg voltage his eyes arent going to be saucers just cuz he half white also the kid’s name is Yuri (Or Urey). They couldn’t think of any other Brit-styled names? Like Harry? Henry? William? Wilfred? hey stan be my princess btw he’s pretty cute, though he gives serious “timid kid that gets bullied in the children’s movie” vibes. He calls Luke “daddy” and mc “mammy/mommy”.

so luke talks about his relationship w/ soryu and eisuke and then yuri is like “i want friends like that” wow cute but also find less ethically-complicated friends

so luke lets yuri meet a young patient of his (haru) so they can be friends. they get along so it’s good. haru gets in critical condition later so luke zooms outta there to do the operation.

LOL but at the end yuri is like, “i want to make more friends. (...) can i go to the bidder’s room from now on?” this boy works fast

And then he’s like “Eisuke-san... please be my friend.” HIS POWER. even eisuke was like :O so then eisuke orders a whole bunch of food and books up to the penthouse. But then yuri’s like “...i like eisuke’s eyes” and everyone’s like oh man that’s gonna be his fetish

Baba: why have u started to have an interest in eyes Yuri: I read it from one of daddy’s medical books Hikaru: wtf u can read that at 4??? (...) Soryu: wat Yuri: um... i want soryu to be my friend too Yuri: bc soryu’s eyes are also powerfully cool...

eisuke // ok this gets an extended ramble bc the more annoying the story the longer i must complain

so you might be thinking, “oh so this is gonna be a flashback in some in media res styled story with your 2 kids, u know in the style of the others” and well, no you just go straight to white screen into the flashback, back when eito was smaller and thus a little more cute. well it’s not really false advertising bc they did say “reminisce” in the description. but i wanted to see eito be a good big brother for a moment! or... less good? man i wanted to see kaito go waaaah like a baby idk i wanted to see him exist

so back to the story they cut to small eito. even as a smaller punk he does fight with his dad a little, just w/ a more narrow vocabulary to work with. tho at this point he’s still pretty sweet so clearly eisuke clowning him day and night was a negative effect on his development. (doesn’t treat his child like a child) (child grows up to a punk that doesn’t respect him) (surprised pikachu) being the son of a billionaire means that this child has to go study at a very young age and listen to MOZART. no child of eisuke ichinomiya will be listening to degenerate bops like lee taemin’s criminal next day they all go to the very fancy school that eito will be attending. eisuke does a speech, but then eito is all like “why is papa over there all the time” in reference to how all the other parents in attendance are having fun with their children, but eisuke is busy talking to other people for business and connections etc. etc. mc kind of has a hard time trying to explain it to eito bc... it’s honestly poor parenting... eiji shows up after arriving late, and he’s like “gramps is gonna be with ya today! instead of papa” which is cute but then she’s like psst thanks for coming and im like oh... so grandpa just didn’t randomly come to the open house for fun he’s just gonna be surrogate dad while real dad is busy... aw... and then at the end eito’s like FUC THIS KINDERGARTEN. eisuke is like “(smh) don’t yell in public. (despite everything) you are still the eldest son of the Ichinomiya family”

and so afterwards it’s clear that eito does not want anything to do with this school. he just sits in the classroom until mc is there to pick him up instead of playing in the courtyard or w/e, wanting nothing to do with the other kids.

so later there’s a hiking trip for the students and both of their parents, and mc asks eisuke if he’ll be available for it. eisuke is like, “i have a business trip that day, so I’ll have to adjust my schedule” and he’s been very busy in the opening of a new business or w/e. mc tells him to not do so much for something like that and that it’s ok if she goes alone with eito on the trip.

it’s the day of the trip, and mc goes alone with eito. she notes that a lot of dads did indeed come along for the trip. she apologizes to eito and says that she did talk to eisuke about the trip before, but he’s simply busy for this day. and im like... but girl, you were the one who told him not to change his schedule for the trip. yes a trip may seem less important than business ventures, but don’t make it sound like you weren’t the one who stopped him. lol. idk why im pressed abt this single line of dialogue bc later she does realize she fucced up there well eito is just like w/e about it and has pretty much accepted that sort of thing

anyway eito goes missing later and one of the kids said that he told eito that his dad (eisuke) didn’t come bc his dad thinks that his work is more important than his son. so eito got mad and ran off somewhere

and then mc finally gets the lightbulb moment that eito... wants to see his dad!! he ran off to go try to see him somehow??? !! wow so sweet

it’s raining like a mf but then in her search for eito eisuke randomly pops out of nowhere. He’s like “ho i did not remember saying that i wasn’t coming” and she’s like “im sorrryyy” and both me and him are like “just find the dang kid”

ok yea they find eito, he starts being a good student, and u start to see where he starts being antagonistic towards his dad LOL etc. etc. lol this story annoyed me so i don’t feel like doing the rest of the play by play orz

anyway thanks for reading my garbage LOL

[pookiesmcbride]

woke up early to watch the ep and cant go to sleep so i’m gonna rant all my thoughts and important notes here so *SPOILERS FOR 1018*

- the parallels alone between carol and leah make it seem to me that daleah is not endgame, they are literally the same person and if daryl was meant to be with leah they’d make her her own individual with a different story- and give her ample screentime, not half an episode. LEAHS SPEARFISHING MOMENT?? cmon. you cant even contest that.

- daryl not knowing where he wanted to be until carol said she wasn’t coming back for a while then urged him to start his own new life so to speak is significant !

- carol was absolutely beautiful this episode and i rly loved all her lines. melissas acting was stellar and their fight was so well acted honestly, the chemistry of both her and norman bouncing between them was amazing and this is the kind of angsty fight we’ve been wanting for them. the communication was actually open for once. the fight was really one sided but carols words to him just make sense to me, idk how to describe it better. like she certainly seemed in the right to me, and i love the small apology for connie- i feel like that was needed so ppl will stop fucking hating her for that.

- daryls got a stick up his butt this episode because he thinks carol came out there with him to run away from her problems(some she caused) again back at alexandria. i’m not sure if i agree with him on that or not, bc i think she has a lot to work through still in this aftermath of the whisperers, but also she’s in the process of that ?? idk it’s weird. but i can see this leading to her trying to work through that in diverged, setting down her roots possibly. i can also see her searching a lot for connie too.

- another possible thing i could see happening in s11 that we had originally predicted is that carol finds that she doesn’t know where she belongs anymore and decides to leave with negan. to save maggie the trouble, and to maybe get out of daryls hair so he can start a new life with either connie or leah. i have this weird background thought that leah may show up and they’ll let her assimilate into alexandria and she’s gonna be with daryl for a little while. perhaps this will happen while carols gone away with negan, and daryl doesn’t go after her bc that’s what he said he’d do in this ep. (i’m now wondering if that was foreshadowing) but i think this life with leah is gonna make him realize that carol was the one. that him and leah don’t really mesh well bc he doesn’t know her as well as carol(which fits well with our original ideas about him being a one and done type). he’s gonna realize carol’s the one his heart belongs to, and maybe leah will notice this too. daryls gonna reminisce on their plans for new mexico and i could see him having a big breakdown over letting carol leave, and he’ll go after her full force knowing exactly what he wants. but unfortunately this daryl leah thing seems extremely possible in s11, if only briefly- and i just hope it leads to his realization of his true love.

-cant think of anything more to add, other than im excited to see carol in diverged to see where her story might be going. and also for carol dog content. i think caryls gonna be awkward for a while, idk how long, perhaps a little bit into s11, but i think towards the middle and end of s11 we’re gonna get some rly juicy stuff for them. overall i’m relatively positive after this episode, just mad we’re gonna have to have awkward caryl for a bit.

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

DOTTIE’S BATFAM FIC RECS

hi!! so, no one asked for this but,,, I wanted to make one anyway! I really love the batfam a lot and I see a lot of ppl in the fandom wishing it was easier to find good fics. this is by no means all of them but they are some of my faves, generally not too fanon-y! all fics are gen/family fluff with little to no ships (which are not bat/cest). 

feel free to message/ask me about triggers if you’re unsure!! and lmk if I forgot to tag anyone ❤️

---

Homecoming by Ionaperidot / @iowriteswords on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10966704/chapters/24414906

Summary: “Your son’s grave. It’s been disturbed.” In which people actually notice when Jason breaks out of his grave, and Bruce finds him before Talia does.

My thoughts: Bruce’s voice in this is seriously perfect, plus Dick, Jason, and Tim are great as well!! This fic honestly helps inform me of my Tim characterization!

---

The Wound Begins To Bleed by audreycritter / @audreycritter on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13295661

Summary: Now that Tim’s moved back to the manor, he just wants a few afternoons a week without Damian around. Funny how getting that was the catalyst for him becoming a better big brother.

My Thoughts: it makes me emotional okay it GETS me right in my HEART!!! both Dami and Tim are so so so good I can’t rec this enough

---

just hold a smile by RecklessWriter

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22777705

Summary: That's the thing about smiles, Dick thinks. If you flash the right one, no one knows there's something more going on inside. Five times Dick faked a smile and one time someone saw through it.

My Thoughts: Dick & others, including Tim and Cass. Dick is really good at hiding his feelings from others, and I love how in this fic, a lot of times, he’s hiding them to “protect” whoever it is

(more under the cut!)

life, if well lived by CaptainOzone

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18378512

Summary: Jason wakes up from a time-travel mishap to find Thomas and Martha Wayne hovering over him. Just another day in the life, right? ...Not quite.

My Thoughts: this one had me crying like a baby!!! the characterization is great and I love CO’s Thomas and Martha

---

one shot, two shots in the night by discowing / @dykewing on tumblr, @/wlwdiscowing on twitter

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18871864/chapters/44792710

Summary: The New York Times ✓ @nytimes · 4h

“A Shot in the Dark” remains on our bestseller list for the fourth week in a row! Read our review of @brucewayne’s tell-all memoir here: nyti.ms/3Fs9k2E

My Thoughts: TALK ABT MAKING ME CRY. this gets me every time, and it’s absolutely worth ALL of the rereads. such a great Bruce.

---

The View From Jade by lowflyingfruit

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11329791/chapters/25359972

Summary: Being transported to the past is not the sort of thing one normally expects. But this having happened, and with no easy way back, Jason's determined to make the most of it. Though the Bat still stalks Gotham's streets, the city's crime is run by the mobs instead of the rogues. There's no Joker yet. There's no Robin. Maybe there shouldn't be.

My Thoughts: Jason & Dick, and also Bruce somewhere in there too. this is SO! GOOD! I absolutely love Jason’s voice, and Dick is so in character. plus Bruce and Alfred are awesome as well!!!

---

The Birds Who Smile by Raberba girl / @raberbagirl on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12972324/chapters/29656290

Summary: "Dark Nights: Metal" AU where Bruce adopts three of the Robins who once belonged to the Batman Who Laughs.

My Thoughts: I think this was the first fic that introduced me to Duke, actually! and while there are a LOT of characters involved, they’re all pretty great and realistic. they have their moments to shine and it’s,,, *chef’s kiss*

---

The Thing about Apples and Trees by Cdelphiki / @cdelphiki on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22192747

Summary: When Jason agreed to let Bruce adopt him, he thought that meant Jason felt happy and safe in Bruce's home. But when Jason's nightmares only increased, and his panic attacks and meltdowns started happening more often, Bruce was at a complete loss for what to do. But then, Jason finally opened up to him, and he was able to quell some of Jason's worse fears. Perhaps a midnight chat and a few hugs wouldn't fix everything, but it was a step in the right direction.

My Thoughts: this is part of a series but might be okay to read on it’s own? tho really I suggest the entire series, it’s amazing. but this fic specifically has great kid Jason characterization (and also made me cry, I think!)

---

Kitten by lurkinglurkerwholurks / @lurkinglurkerwholurks on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18194294

Summary: Bruce opened his mouth, prepared to give the unemotional, no-nonsense explanation he had cobbled together between his walk to the car and now. Instead, his mouth went dry and nothing came out.

“Bruce?”

Bruce was saved from answering by the thin cry that cut through the silence. He winced, then reached back with one hand to shush the dimpled, kicking legs.

“Bruce, tell me I did not just hear what I thought I heard.”

My Thoughts: so so so cute! plus the gangs all here!!!

---

Yes Ma’am by lurkinglurkerwholurks

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22004695

Summary: Jason had shuffled into the bedroom and had just finished pulling his shirt over his head when he paused, arms still trapped in the fabric. A pair of eyes glowed at him from the bed, reflecting the dim light from the hall.

My Thoughts: I also have to include this one bc it was a gift to me, and it’s so cute & angsty & just dkjsfsdjkhfksjah I love it so much

---

The D-Word by AutumnHobbit / @autumnhobbit on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/9597686

Summary: "See, Tim?" Jason called over his shoulder sardonically. "Dad agrees with me."

He turned back to his food for a moment before the thought suddenly occurred to him that the Cave had gone near silent. He cautiously glanced back at the others. Alfred was still working away at stitching Tim up. Tim looked a little pale and sweaty, but he was glancing over at Jason with a look that was a mixture of concern and confusion. Bruce was standing stock-still, seemingly staring off into space.

My Thoughts: I constantly reread this when I want funny and then heart breaking Jason & Bruce feels. I always know what’s coming and it STILL GETS ME

---

baby wonder by drakefeathers / @drakefeathers on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/1887807

Summary: (baby!damian AU) Bruce dies, Dick becomes Batman. But the Damian that Talia leaves in his care isn’t a ten-year-old warrior, he’s a ten-month-old baby.

My Thoughts: oh my goddd this is so good, it hurts but it’s SO CUTE at the same time??? ugh dskjfhkjsadhf

---

a hat fashioned from tin foil by discowing

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14356020

Summary: nightwang @karakurachou – 8 hours ago

jason todd is alive and faked his death so he could become robin: a conspiracy theory thread

Batfam conspiracy theories meet social media.

My Thoughts: !!!!!!! so good!!!! seriously one of the best social media fics I’ve ever read.

---

Bet Your Bottom Dollar by jerseydevious / @jerseydevious on tumblr and twitter

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17971160/chapters/42447017

Summary: Dick's been having kind of a hard time, recently. When it boils over, Bruce is there for him.

My Thoughts: I reread this one a LOT when I need Dick & Bruce feels

---

Metanoia by AlannaOfRoses / @alannaofroses on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21943249

Summary: Jason's bleeding out, Dick's overtired, and a half-serious offer turns into their new normal. Sometimes you just need somebody else around.

My Thoughts: this one was also a gift to me!! it’s got amazing brotherly bonding and it made me laugh a LOT

---

a hundred miles through the desert by acrobats

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18197330/chapters/43045388

Summary: Finding himself nearly three decades into the past hadn't been part of Jason's plans for the day, but he could manage. Having no idea how he got there, no clear path home and a recently orphaned Bruce Wayne determined to drag Jason into his search for his parents' killer - that might be a little more complicated.

My Thoughts: ughhh this is such good Jason content (and such amazing Jason voice, too) I adore it

---

oh, where do I begin? by LazuliQuetzal / @lazuliquetzal on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21988693

Summary: “No, no, nothing’s wrong,” Jason says. “We’re a-okay. Just peachy. Good times.”

“Oh,” Duke says, lamely, working himself out of crisis mode. There’s an awkward silence for a moment before he speaks up again. “Why did you call?”

“Right, right," Jason mumbles, which seemed a little out of character to Duke. His sort-of wayward brother was generally intimidating, even when he wasn't trying to be. "Uh, Dick said that you had a guinea pig when you were younger. How do you take care of a guinea pig?”

_____

AKA, not-exactly accidental guinea pig acquisition

My Thoughts: this was ALSO a gift to me but it’s so funny and sweet and there’s amazing Duke & Jason bonding so I absolutely must rec it

---

Latchkey by goldkirk / @goldkirk on tumblr

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21672928/chapters/51685639

Summary: or, How Tim Drake Found A Family, Became A Photojournalist, Learned To Love Coffee, and Grew Up, not necessarily in that order.

Tim Drake is thirteen, runs the famous BatWatch blog that has spiraled hilariously out of control, has absentee parents that suit his purposes just fine, is training himself to run the streets at night, and is doing absolutely peachy, thank you.

Alfred and Jason disagree, and get Dick and Bruce involved in figuring out their weird nextdoor neighbor kid’s life. Everything goes uphill from there.

My Thoughts: this is SO GOOOOD the Tim feels are amazing!!! the family interactions!!! everything! sdkjfhsjdfhksdhfajh

---

Blood in the Water by MishaBerry

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12734052/chapters/29037474

Summary: We all do stupid things when we are lonely, and in faraway lands, we hardly expect the consequences to follow us. Bruce certainly never thought twice about an American woman in Jaipur after one night with her. He hardly expected to see her ever again.

The universe, on the other hand, had different ideas, and the tides of time and chance brought Tim Drake to Bruce's life over and over again.

My Thoughts: this one is more AU than a lot of the others on here but it’s a lot of fun!! it has Tim & Damian & Jason feels, plus the rest of the family on a smaller scale

---

so these are just SOME, and honestly you should go and check out other works done by all of these authors!! also would like to suggest reading the fics of @renecdote , @caramelmachete , @redtruthed , @rredarrow , and @schweeeppess !!!

[mejomonster]

knew each other in childhood to lovers is always a trope on thin ice for me because i hate the idea of first love being the only true love when like, often in life luck isn’t perfect and we are messy and might need to move on from messy imperfect relationships in youth and learn to make healthier choices and not settle for ppl mean to us like. generally we are not often lucky enough for our 9 year old, 12 year old, 15 year old crushes to actually care the same way back (or us to even care lol) or anyone be mature enough to care about anyone for 2 decades. like if we get lucky some lifetime best friends, if we get Real lucky maybe first love works out. but i like a lot better in stories when its X times of love and finally cause people found good fits who choose each other actively and it works out. i’ve only seen a few shows where that trope has some rights for me lol (tho if you enjoy the trope have fun cause there’s a lot of i imagine good thorough stories with it) ToT:

Till Death Tear Us Apart: money man sugar daddy was deeply in love with childhood friend. Other friend moved on from friendship that had regular value to him, became a spy, only is interacting again cause rich man is so desperate to reconnect and adores him and the spy mess kind of draws them together. they basically fall in love in real time since its the first time knowing each other As rich shady businessman and teacher/SPY. since they changed a lot. also only really a childhood crush on one side. Also the side couple just brand new met each other so even if i had hated the trope in this, it gave me something else too lol

Guardian: BARELY fits into this category, and only for the same reason as above. I realize i’m ok with the young-first-love trope IF and only if it was one sided and basically is still starting from scratch in the present. Shen Wei fell in love with Zhao Yunlan 10k years ago, presumably his first and only love (does he get a pass since he’s an immortal? no but it does make it a bit more cute). But by the time he meets Zhao Yunlan again, he’s GRIEVED and now he’s a new person basically. He’s suspicious and doesn’t know if this even is his lost love (in which case Kunlun used and lied to him and abandoned him), or if its a stranger with his face (ripping his heart open by reminding him of his lost love). For both of them its a cat and mouse of figuring out who each other are, and for Shen Wei its really falling in love anew with this ‘Zhao Yunlan’ for the first time who just happens to bring up complex emotions about his loss - later its an added benefit this is truly Kunlun. (At least in the show, in the novel I think he knows its always Kunlun? Its just still falling in love with a new incarnation). Also very fun that their story is basically an exploration of always one falling in love for the first time, and one already deeply in love for a while. Which is more like chosen soulmates running into each other in any time and place rather than childhood crush to lovers. Feels more like watching Xena/Gabrielle than a childhood crush to lovers. Only applies on a technicality since Shen Wei is sappy and refused to ever try to love besides Kunlun which... I understand, bro is extreme And went through a lot. Like. In a way yes Shen Wei only ever has one first love. But also for him, the process of falling in love with Zhao Yunlan in the present IS him risking falling in love with a new stranger, so its still kind of second love and all the caution of what being hurt/having lost something in the past leaves with you. And of course Zhao Yunlan has had many failed searches for love (in the book baby .... ;-; .... Zhao Yunlan i’m sorry you have such bad luck finding love ... honey). 

Bromance: thin ice ToT. I love this show a lot but was kinda mad about it when i realized the two leads ran into each other as children because one saved the other’s life. Truly the only thing in the show’s entire writing that wasn’t my jam lol. It would’ve been fine if one had just saved the other, but our romantic lead feels kind of like he just imprinted and always wanted to find the person who saved him. While this is mitigated by our lead wanting him to give up looking, letting him know his rescuer feels repaid, and generally both of them just falling in love in real time as adults. So like, its not that bad. Assuming it doesn’t dwell in their childhoods too much more. I get why they wrote it in - one its a super common trope in these shows, two it gave our romantic lead a reason to be INTENSE about trying to find the childhood identity of our other lead (which needed to be happening for certain angles of this plot that aren’t even romance related). So I get it. This show is definitely also given a pass because its setup is so unique and explores some issues romance shows rarely do regarding identity (I think Bureau of Transformers is one of the only other shows I’ve seen do this much regarding exploration of one’s gender identity). also like a bonus our romantic lead is bi, thank you taiwan. You gave me history 3 trapped and now Bromance, i appreciate more bi guys in media. (Bureau of Transformer also managed to give an explicit bi guy lead despite being a cdrama so again, shout out to one of my fave shows!)

 The Guest: ?!!!! Shockingly this ALSO did “knew each other in childhood” as a trope! It has rights though, because NONE of these kids fell in love at the time! They literally just ran into each other during a big murder disaster, got traumatized, went their separate ways. Then as adults minding their own business by luck happen to run into each other and all get mixed up again with the same monster who was responsible for that awful murder night. More a case of ‘coincidence in childhood.’ So not annoying at all. I get why they did it. Also this show is Not romance, so can’t fall into said trope. Though if you see inherent romance in found family, or like me kind of pick up some priest/psychic vibes, then well the trope is just the slightest touch visible lol. 

Word of Honor: Now, apparently lol??! Again, not that annoying, since based on scenes no one had time to fall in love. It was more a case of both kids getting traumatized by having a moment of calm safety then people died (so kind of the Guest vibes but over a period of days/weeks instead of one really sucky night). at a stretch, it might be slightly like Guardian just because Wen Kexing definitely extends more trust than he normally would due to recognizing familiar Four Seasons Manor fight moves and having fond memories of the place. Then having safe memories of kid Zhou Zishu. Likewise to Shen Wei having so many fond memories of Kunlun’s face he cant help but want to do anything to keep Zhao Yunlan alive even when he’s not sure yet if ZYL would kill him/kill his people/if he’s got malicious intent or not in this life or the past in retrospect. Unlike Shen Wei, neither Wen Kexing or Zhou Zishu fell in love in their younger days. Which is why they’re both so excited and over the moon they click so well with someone (considering Who they are and how hard it is to find someone compatible to that). And how they’re both CLINGING now that they think they’ve found a soulmate, and how bitter they are whenever each other’s actions make choosing to be soulmates harder. Oh you know like Wen Kexing going off the rails - Zhou Zishu like fuck can i really decide to make a life with this time bomb, or Zhou Zishu admitting he’s dying - Wen Kexing like damn even if i get my revenge i might not have my new soulmate long and he wasn’t even gonna tell me. Clearly they fell in love as adults, all the childhood stuff is just ICING on the cake of Wen Kexing’s “he already is who i wanted now you tell me he was also the HONEY in my sucky childhood he was that kid i played with the few days i was safe? god really hates me i have to lose this safety TWICE” and Zhou Zishu like “wow not only did i not manage to protect like i was told, thank fuck he is the ONLY disciple i didn’t get killed, i’m even more greatful i didnt destroy him too fuck me i CANNOT lose him he CANNOT get destroyed not even by himself i have ONE good thing and its him please” just some added nails of angst to add to the pain these bitches were already going through circa ep 13. They’re each others hopes and dreams, and to realize they also might be the only things that SURVIVED of their naive childish hopes and dreams as symbols, just makes it that much more terrifying they could lose each other who are literally the Epitome of Hope for decent lives for themselves. With of course their kids. Who are also intensely tied to their hope for a better life and the ability to be good.

[stuckylibrary]

Group Ask 177

What is a group ask?

Previous Group Asks

AO3 Search Tutorial

Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!

scottiedotmp4 said:

i’ve scoured the apocalypse and post-apocalypse tags on AO3 but can’t seem to find this fic. all i can really remember was that steve and bucky lived in a cabin and thought they were the only survivors. i think bucky found steve bc steve kept trying to contact ppl with a radio broadcast. they had a garden and chickens and at some point contacted tony who lived in the west coat. thanks so much!

emzy2, time-lord-no-more, oh-ursmari and Anon sent in The Day the World Went Away* by 74days (complete | 21,323 | T) *chose not to warn

Anon 1 said:

hey :) so there was this fic i read a few months ago that i wanted to read again but i cant find it. basically, the avengers are wondering why steve is not getting in the christmas spirit and try to figure it out and then they find out that bucky died on christmas or something and that’s the reason why. sorry if that’s vague, thank you so much!!!! :)

dolphinqueen10 sent in For the Holidays by togina (restricted, oneshot | 11,279 | T)

Anon 2 said:

Could you please please help me find a fic where bucky and tony are running from cops. Its a cacw canon divergence where tony hates bucky as he has murdered his parents but ends up befriending him eventually when he realizes how much steve loves bucky and that bucky is a good human. I guess stucky is established relationship in this story. Congrats on the new blog, the fandom loves you!! Thanks!

getstucky sent in i need a forest fire by tomorrowsrain (complete | 65,812 | T)

Anon 3 said:

I CAN NOT find this fic where Bucky is living with Steve post hydra and isn’t able able to jack off and he goes to Steve’s room one night thinking that Steve will have sex with him. Steve is horrified and gives him a lecture about how not masturbating is dangerous with their increased sex drive with the serum and ends up letting Bucky fuck him instead. Any suggestions helpful, I’ve tried every tag combo I can think of!

sheetsforwhichimmade and possibleplatypus sent in  Deep-Six* by Claudia_flies (oneshto | 3,474 | E) *chose not to warn

pekinessa22 said:

Hi! Ok so i have lost two fics (the travesty i know) The first one is an ABO fic where steve is about to give birth and he is isolated for religious reasons and after the baby is born bucky kinda smugles himself in (if i remember correctly it was like old roman vibes but i cant recal for sure). 

(Polyamory:) The other one is nat/bucky/steve pure smut where the three live together and i remember bucky at one point laying nat on the dining room table like a snak for steve (smut ensures) THANKS

delilahdraken said:

I'm looking for a post-apocalyptic AU where skinny Steve is working as a mechanic. He finds Bucky in a landfill while looking for parts to repair something. Bucky is still a Winter Soldier, but different. They tried to make soldiers that could survice a nuclear winter, which they did, but it also made them sort-of vampiric and difficult to control. There is mention of a neural implant that stopped working for Bucky. Also Bucky's blood heals and only he can open a weapons cache Nick Fury wants.

Anon 4 said:

Hi! Do you know the fic where Steve died before the war and Bucky joins the Howlies and gets taken by Hydra but is saved by the Avengers and he kinda sees Steve? I think Peggy was Cap! Think you can find it?

Anon 5 said:

Hey there! Thanks for all that you do!!! I'm looking for a fic where Bucky has memory loss and video chats with Steve everyday from his room and then one day Steve doesn't video call him because he's depressed and Sam talks to Bucky. Steve maybe also reads Bucky a story every night? I would appreciate any help identifying this fic!!!

yumathings said:

Hi. I am desperately looking for a historical fic. I went through all the tags and .... I can’t find it. It’s a poor Bucky with a title and Steve with money. I think. But FOR SURE Bucky ja a war injury that keeps him in bed and they think he will die soon. So may as well marry and get a good settlement for his sister. But Steve is a good guy. And he figures out how to help Bucky and .... obviously.... they fall in love.... do you know that one?

greyhavensking, possibleplatypus and Anon sent in The Bargain by GoodbyeBlues (complete | 20,647 | M)

Anon 6 said:

Hello, I'm not really sure how to use tumblr but I'm looking for a fic where there's accidental noncon. Bucky asks Steve for stuff after sex and Steve doesn't realize that Bucky is using sex to barter for things he wants.

possibleplatypus sent in Uberrima Fidei* by asocialconstruct (oneshot | 3,075 | E) *rape/noncon

Anon 7 said:

Hi there! I’m trying to find a fic without results, maybe you can help. I remember just one thing: bucky and steve stuck behind enemy lines have sex and the scent of hormones kind of make the bad guys fuck too, so they can escape. I think it was abo and it’s either set during the war or in modern setting, but I don’t actually know. It’s really old, I tried to search in the abo tag, but I didn’t find anything. Sorry I couldn’t be more specific. Oh, it was multi chaptered if I’m not wrong

lesbucci said:

There’s this Fic I’m trying to find, but I only have a screenshot and I’m worried it might be deleted? The part I have screenshotted goes like this: “What kinda fucking stunt you trying to pull here, Rogers? Fucking left a note? Like that was supposed to fix it?" Bucky wants to rage, more than anything, twist his bones into something formidable so he can break, but there’s no one to hurt here but himself, and baby is all he's got. Only thing he ever owned, besides Steve.

Not a Stucky fic, Anon sent in a deleted Supernatural fic:  The Dark Descent and Up To Reascend by Theboys

Anon 8 said: (possible underage?)

hi! Im looking for a fic where Bucky was modern and Steve was still Captain america. They lived in the same apartment building, I think Buckys was directly under Steves, so he keeps sneaking in until Steve catches him. I'm pretty sure Bucky was younger, a lot younger. The ending was something like Bucky showing up at one of Steves events and Steve sees him and just smiles in Buckys direction? please help me! thank you

possibleplatypus and Anon sent in erupted with rubies* by yasgorl (oneshot | 8,009 | E) *chose not to warn

Anon 9 said:

Hello! i love this blog thanks for all your organizing skills. I’m looking for a short fic where Natasha gave bucky a bath bomb and steve realizes he likes them so he buys him more. thanks

[dyketectivecomics]

is War Games (specifically steph being fired/stealing bruce's plans and Dying) gonna exist in ur RR au?

This is very much a ‘Yes and No’ kinda answer! I’m mix and matching a LOT of events/motivations for each of the robins. So yes, some form of War Games is going to exist, but no, it’s not quite going to effect Steph specifically? Lemme explain:

(Under a Cut for Spoilers to my RR au, and also bc Long and Rambly lmao)

Mostly I’m aiming to do some event swapping bc I like the idea of some of these events being given to their respective ‘reversed’ robins? So like, Dick n Duke’s relationships with the fam & esp with Bruce are going to be flipped bc it feels like the logical progression for someone who’s been with Bruce for the longest vs someone who’s relatively new (which is also why im considering doing a “We Are The Flock” type thing for Dick to parallel the “We Are Robin” movement. but thats neither here nor there).

So we’ve got Babs n Harper as logical swaps ofc, and so are Damian and Jason (altho for them, their backstories are so different that it doesnt allow for as much swapping in quite the same way). And you might be thinking “But randy, you’re not swapping Tim and Steph/whoever in the same way? what gives?” and yeah, youre right, im not. But that’s bc Jason and Steph... have always felt like much clearer parallels to me *shrug*

They’re the ones who get some more arc sharing. thems the breaks. my version of the AU, my rules.

The War Games arc (specifically with stealing a contingency plan into motion in an Effort to Prove™ oneself) is gonna mostly be shuffled over to Jason now. I’ve decided to commit to making Jason take up the Rook mantle regardless of what Tim chooses (or maybe even in spite of him haha) and the more I was thinking abt especially Cass and Jason’s new dynamic, and the idea of her underestimating him/goading him (as siblings do)... the more I liked the idea of Jason having a BIG chip on his shoulder and putting War Games into affect to Prove himself to the rest of the fam. That he Is just as Smart and Cunning and Capable as the rest of them. (& it having the disastrous results we all very well expect) 

And from there, that’s where Im gonna do a slight merging of the Under the Hood arc alongside War Games (altho Steph isnt going to be donning a Red Hood costume. she’s gettin :) something else)

As far as steph’s death tho, I want it to moreso be a parallel to Damian’s death. A sacrifice in an effort to protect others. Bc ultimately that WAS what damian was doing. he was capable of holding his own in a fight. I do think he could have held Heretic off... but there were people there he needed to protect. And that was what made his death so tragic, and had such an impact. That Growth™ he had before it. So imagine some of that tragedy for steph, but this time, its in the direction of “she had been doing so well and Bruce was giving her credit where it was rightfully due, despite his protestations when she had first started”... only for her to realize in a moments notice, that the Only Way to save the day, is through that ultimate sacrifice. 

I want to be clear that I dont blame any of the Robins for their own deaths, its a decision of the authors/editorial. But I do like a Good death much more than a shocking one. I ultimately accept a death in fiction much more easily if the characters have some form of choice in the matter. Esp when that choice is a sacrificial one. (which is why I think Jason and Damian’s deaths hit so hard, where Jason was doing all he could to save his mom, and Dami was protecting civilians in the area, whereas Steph’s (who had no choice in being tortured and unable to save herself in time) is called into question much more often, even tho, the same as Jason and Damian, she was intended to stay dead. that and her not dying “in costume”, which bothers the HELL outta me. like... her LAST CONVERSATION WITH BRUCE was him AFFIRMING that she was Robin! ppl who dont count her as a Dead Robin bother the FUCK outta me. i cant fdsajkl;)

Anyways, that’s kinda OFF topic. Back On: I do still want her to die more or less at Black Mask’s hands tho. We gotta keep SOME consistency. And esp bc I’ve got Plans™ for how its all gonna come back around full circle for when Steph comes back to Gotham. Her being killed in a gang war, and then being a Dramatic Bitch™ and coming back in the middle of another one... just really hits me in all the right ways too lmao

(oh also side note, i know i said jason wasnt gonna die in his search for his mom and same here. jason gets ONE universe where he DOESNT DIE thanks fjkdasl)

[silver-wield]

Hey so I was wondering if you did/could do an analysis on clouds various panic attacks ptsd episodes and how he responds to each one I’m interested to read your thoughts on each one since you usually bring a new perspective to the table for me so thanks for that!

All of Cloud's ptsd attacks? Damn, that's a lot of searching I've got to do. I might not find them all. I'll do my best but you'll have to let me off if I miss a couple lol

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Please check my master post to see if I've already covered your question, thanx

Recap time!

I explain Cloud's entire backstory which covers his PTSD and other issues here, so that should do for a recap right?

A further thing to note is that PTSD affects people differently and in Cloud's case it manifests as a psychological taunt in the form of Sephiroth. Embodiying his sense of failure, lack of self-esteem and self-actualisation, this version of Sephiroth is the one that Cloud reacts to the most strongly. This is the one that makes him whimper with fear and react on instinct instead of observing the situation and attacking. This is the one he fears, and it's a part of himself wearing a monster's face. Why Sephiroth? Who else has done him more harm? Sephiroth killed his mother, Tifa (so he assumes), burned his hometown to the ground and was indirectly responsible for his best friend's death, too.

And Cloud couldn't do a thing about it. He is the manifestation of everything that Cloud hates and fears about himself. Because of this, he's dissociated from much of his feelings. He still feels, but at a lesser degree than he should were he fully in touch with his real self.

Moseying on.

The first PTSD induced attack isn't actually prompted by Sephiroth himself, although he does feature in it. Cloud's first attack happens when he sees the destruction of sector 8 and buildings burning. This gives him the association of the last time he saw a burning building, which happened when his village burned. The sensory input of sights, sounds and smells prompted the memory, which combined with the high stress situation and Cloud's own latent anxiety and guilt for his part in this chaos.

You see a close up of Cloud's eye as it widens and real!Cloud's memory pushes to the forefront of his mind – remember, these memories are things SOLDIER!Cloud can't access at will, which is why they cause him pain when it happens.

Theres a static noise in the background, which is meant to convey a type of ringing in Cloud's ears and then the building's facade morphs to that of his house with the fence around it.

While much of what Sephiroth says is in line with this being a separate being from Cloud and not merely his own subconscious taunting him, there are elements of it being a combination of both. This is in line with the OG where Sephiroth was able to get in Cloud's head and make him doubt his own sense of self. With what we know of how Jenova's cells manipulate Cloud, it's believable that Sephiroth is both a separate being manipulating Cloud to his own ends and partly an aspect of Cloud's psyche that exists to push blame on him for everything. It's the representation of his mental illness that he struggles to fight.

Obviously, there's no fire, so Cloud sweating and breathless is because they're physical symptoms of his PTSD induced trauma.

Sephiroth's taunting lines about how he killed Cloud's mother are overkill when you consider the real Sephiroth's personality. The combination of the overarching Sephiroth and Cloud's PTSD version make a powerful foe that he never really beats. This is a metaphor for the fact those with mental illness are never really free. It's a lifetime battle and even if they're in recovery, that demon is just waiting for one weak moment when they can get them back in their grip.

You can hear Cloud gasp in this scene as once again Sephiroth appears to taunt him. He's not fully recovered from the last attack and now there's another right on top of it. Sephiroth appearing is once again partly Cloud's own trauma and partly the Jenova cells in him warping his perception and allowing Sephiroth to mess with him.

Unlike the time before, this Sephiroth vision is a simple taunt that Cloud is too weak to save anyone. This is his guilt and self-loathing talking about how he couldn't save his mom, Tifa or his town. It could also be hinting that he couldn't save Zack either.

The hidden implication of this scene is the fact that Sephiroth puts his hand on Aerith's shoulder. This is the only time Sephiroth touches anyone besides Cloud.

The next time Cloud has an attack is during the reactor 5 mission. This happens because of Tifa's presence drawing out the painful memory of the Nibelheim reactor where he believed she died after facing down Sephiroth.

Even in the midst of his PTSD attack he looks to Tifa. She doesn't know what's happening with him and he backs away from taking a chance to confide in her, but even during this moment when he's showing weakness he has very good eye contact with her. He's looking her directly in the eye, which he wouldn't do if he wasn't comfortable with her. This shows that Cloud sees her as a source of comfort and support.

You can see the lingering doubt on his face here after he dismisses the attack. He's not aware of what the memory means because he's not in touch with the full story – that belongs to real!Cloud kept hidden away. He knows it's left him unsettled and feeling like a failure. This is one of the few times I've seen that Cloud doesn't dismiss out of hand the content of the attacks.

Tifa repeats a phrase she said back then and Cloud's sense of failure surfaces, causing him pain and to freeze up. We get a voice over from real!Cloud referring to the time he believes he let Tifa down. Before the SOLDIER persona can get too deep into it or question what he means, Barret yells for him to focus. Cloud shakes off the paralysing feelings, but that doesn't stop Tifa asking it he's ok, which he dismisses again. This is typical of truama survivors pushing their feelings down and attempting to function without ever truly dealing with the source of their pain.

This next flash is prompted by the events during chapter 8 where the children get into trouble and Cloud has to rescue them. It echoes a similar even in his past where Tifa climbed Mt Nibel and fell, despite his best efforts to save her. She spent a week in a coma and Cloud was blamed for the incident and told to stay away from her.

The past emotions of guilt and failure mingle with the present situation to prompt a flash of pain as the memory of Tifa surfaces. It's his feelings of guilt and having failed her that cause the pain, not Tifa herself because when he says to Aerith he doesn't know how to explain he turns to the spot where he saw the vision of Tifa and smiles wistfully. This means Tifa herself doesn't cause him pain. The feelings he has about himself, do.

Chapter 13 and omg I love this freak out! I'm sorry, but this is such a great moment for Cloud and really highlights how low he is at this point. This shows the depth that we miss from him always having his SOLDIER persona taking charge. He's just lived through a tragedy. He's seen the girl he likes in pieces and trying to hold it together. He wants to comfort her. He wants to be himself, but he can't because he's just not good enough. He's feeling like a failure in more ways than one. He lost people too, goddamnit!

Then, in a misguided attempt to distract Tifa from her pain, he stumbles right into a trigger point for his own trauma. Of course he wouldn't know this. It's one of those flashes of Sephiroth ranting about his role and Jenova and shit. (I might have mistakenly said this was a future-flash somewhere, but then I remembered he does this rant right before he kills everyone in Nibelheim).

There's very little blocking to the memory. This is pretty well sealed by real!Cloud compared to his other memories. Even painful ones of Tifa have more context than this. This is something that is so damaging to Cloud's psyche that he can't even fill in the space around it.

So, we get the same kind of staticky noise we heard in chapter 2 when the vision of Sephiroth showed. Cloud gasps pretty loud here tbf. He's unguarded because of the vision and possibly his own distraction about what he's just been through. He wasn't prepared to see Sephiroth here even more than he was back in chapter 2 when he had a full on panic attack.

I mean, his pupils are seriously dilated here. Boi is scared.

Cloud's whimpering and my heart breaks for him. Sephiroth is hitting all his weakest points by bringing up failure and mentioning it's not the first time that's happened. Cloud's at a low point already, so it's not unexpected he backs away from this rather than tries to fight. This isn't SOLDIER!Cloud. This is real!Cloud. The fear has driven real!Cloud to the surface and he wants to run away, just like Sephiroth taunted back in chapter 2.

“Through suffering you will grow strong. Isn't that what you want?”

Clearly not by the look on Cloud's face. The part of him that's real!Cloud within this moment looks like he wants to scream that he's had enough of being in pain. He wants to shake his head and deny that he deserves it. What did he ever do wrong?

I feel like this is more of Cloud's own subconscious taunting him and implying that he deserves everything bad that happens to him, rather than it being the external Sephiroth manipulating Jenova's cells. He's saying Cloud secretly wants to suffer because that's all he should ever get in life. He thinks if he suffers enough pain that he'll be stronger for it, instead of the broken person that he really is. This is the type of thing people who’ve lived through trauma deal with every single day. It’s a never ending barrage of not feeling good enough and worrying that your entire existence is a bother to society. Not even just those close to you, you are a blight on the world. That Cloud’s internal trauma is so deeply rooted in this figure of Sephiroth narrows his focus and makes him project all of his fears onto him. It’s no wonder he freezes.

Now, not strictly a PTSD glitch, but it does provoke a very strong reaction from Cloud, and definitely plays into his fears, so I'm gonna include this one on the proviso it's more fear motivated.

This is the moment he sees Tifa stabbed during the VR cut scene. Sephiroth hijacked it to show them meteor, but then he also killed Tifa and then Barret. We know later on that Barret actually dies, so having seen this, Cloud may well relate back to this deep seated fear that he can't save Tifa and she'll die because of him and it'll cause further attacks. This is also a callback to the time in the reactor in Nibelheim when Tifa was stabbed by Sephiroth and Cloud couldn't save her – this ties to the PTSD flashback he had during the reactor 5 mission where he saw Tifa picking up Sephiroth's sword, so it's got precedence to cause him further trauma once he connects the dots. The fact it provokes such a strong emotional response from him – so much so that his entire face changes – I suspect that real!Cloud came out to motivate him to run to her out of the fear he'd just seen her die in front of him – again. The shock and disbelief on his face, the utter heartbreak. His expression changes from SOLDIER!Cloud to real!Cloud in less than 3 seconds. I checked. As a trigger for his trauma, Cloud's fear of losing Tifa pushes him to a lot of things he wouldn't normally do.

This is more of a memory glitch than PTSD since it's tied to the grunt recognising Cloud and calling him out on the false memories he has of being a SOLDIER. He says they went through training together and Cloud's eyes narrow as though he's trying to reconcile a truth against a lie. The truth that real!Cloud was a grunt and SOLDIER!Cloud is a fake.

There's some distress on his face here that links back to the point during the airbuster battle when he first learned about cell degradation. He knows what he believes is true isn't quite right, but he can't figure out why. SOLDIER!Cloud is unaware of the SOLDIER persona he constructed to protect his real self from further trauma. In OG when Cloud finds out – through Sephiroth’s skewed af bullshit – it causes a complete mental break, so real!Cloud's right to be wary of triggering himself because he's not in a good enough place to deal with what he's done to protect himself. He'd blame himself for being even more weak than he thought.

This is more interesting. Usually whenever anyone questions Cloud about his false identity he claims it, while also rejecting it by saying “ex-SOLDIER”, but in Hojo's case, he seems to hesitate, as though part of him knew it would be questioned and wouldn't hold up. Since Hojo's the one who did this to Cloud, it's likely the truth of what happened couldn't be kept back by the SOLDIER lies.

Pained again, Cloud turns his head away, as though he can shut out the truth. Hojo's image glitches for him and it's reminiscent of the OG moment where Cloud confronts Hojo and asks if he can be a proper experiment instead of a failed one (or something like that. I haven't played OG in like 5 years)

The trauma from what Hojo's done is quickly brushed under the carpet thanks to the arrival of the whispers. This is the second time they appear to prevent Cloud learning too much about his past too early. (Dammit, I forgot about deep ground, I'll circle back to it or I'll lose the order for my screenshots)

I'm not including the long corridor walk prompted by Jenova because that's a loading screen and also it happens not because of anything that Cloud experienced in the location, but because the outside influence of Jenova called to him. His only association with Jenova is the infusion of cells, though how he got them does set off attacks. Actually, here's a good point for the deep ground screen.

Preview of zombie Cloud for Mideel anyone? I mean, what can I say? He's totally checked out and it's scary. No wonder he doesn't wanna remember any of it if this is what he was like at the time. Imagine being so doped up with mako that you're not even you any longer? Having experiments carried out on you and god knows what else. Being stuffed in a chamber jammed full of alien dna and left to see what happens.

This is what broke him. I'd say it's similar to the faceless Squall cut scene from the end of FF8. It's chilling. No wonder he crafted an entire persona to protect himself from remembering this.

So this is the culmination of all the other attacks he's had. We get flashback elements from several that threaten to overwhelm Cloud. He's clutching his head. He's in serious pain and can't do anything. He manages to push through and ask if it's really Sephiroth. He then grabs his left arm when it begins to hurt. This is because Sephiroth is left handed. This is also the same arm that had the major infection of geostigma in AC.

Conclusion

Cloud is a messed by puppy and I ship him with therapy.

PTSD is a tricky thing to accurately show, especially in this case when it's not all totally mental illness and there are outside factors that skew how it's portrayed. Part of Sephiroth is within Cloud, though I do suspect it's more of an aspect of his own feelings of self-loating and doubt than it is actually Sephiroth. That's not to say there isn't also a genuine part of Sephiroth within these visions influencing Cloud to do what he wants, but I think it comes down to the context of the moment.

Cloud's been through a lot of shit and fronts like nothing else. He's managed to get away without any kind of vices or coping mechanisms besides this alternate persona that actually does ok in following the real!Cloud's lead when his deeper urges motivate SOLDIER!Cloud into doing things. I mean there's a point where there's a clear debate between the two about dancing for Andrea. All that back and forth eye movement and then the grimace and “fine, for Tifa” expression wasn't necessary if it was just SOLDIER!Cloud.

It's gonna be hard for Cloud to hear that he's not real in the sense that he thinks he is. It's gonna break him. We've got a preview of his scary vacant Mideel look and it's terrifying. Major props to Tifa for refusing to give up on him.

[antiadvil]

Electrify My Heart

summary: Dan Howell picks his college major almost at random. Even after a gap year, he doesn’t know what he wants to do, so he supposes he might as well pick whatever will make him the most employable and impress the largest number of his relatives. Within his first semester, he knows he made a mistake and switches out. Except Dan’s major isn’t law. It’s computer science, and Phil is his TA.

rating: PG13

wc: 13k

notes: for all the notes go read the ao3 version but tldr ty @itsmyusualphannie​ for being beta and ty to lots of other ppl and imposter syndrome real

read on ao3 or under the cut

College was hard, Dan decided, and his classes hadn’t even started yet. All he had wanted was coffee, and god, why did everything have to be so hard? He was waiting in line at a coffee shop on campus with some cutesy name- “The Daily Grind”- and a ridiculously long line. Really, it should not be taking this long to get one iced coffee. He was just beginning to wonder if he should give up and go somewhere else when someone slammed into him from behind. Dan stumbled and fell.

“Oh my god. I am so sorry.”

Thank god Dan hadn’t gotten his coffee yet. “You’re fine,” he said automatically, standing up.

“Seriously, I’m sorry. Are you alright?” A face with shaggy black hair and blue eyes peered intently at him.

“Yup,” Dan said, “Pretty sure.”

“Let me at least buy your coffee for nearly killing you.”

Dan froze. “Uhhhhh…”

The boy laughed. “Calm down, I’m not asking you out. I just mean coffee. Don’t worry.”

“Oh,” Dan said, relieved. “Uh, yeah, that’d be great. Coffee, I mean.”

“Great,” he said. “I’m Phil, by the way.”

“Dan.”

It turned out that Phil was a grad student in computer science, the same subject Dan was majoring in. Dan’s eyes glazed over when Phil started talking about what exactly his specialization was (something about human-computer interaction and other words Dan didn’t understand), but Phil steered the conversation away from that pretty quickly once he noticed Dan’s reaction.

“So you’re a freshman? How’s the college life treating you so far?”

Dan shrugged. “It’s okay, I guess. It’s kind of nice not having my parents around, but also, I’m really bad at doing adult things.”

Phil smiled. “It’s okay, I didn’t really know how to cook until I got an apartment my junior year. As long as you know the basics-”

“No,” Dan interrupted. “Like, I’m really bad at doing adult things. I set my ramen on fire because I didn’t know you needed to put water in.”

Phil was clearly struggling to remain composed. “Recently?” he inquired politely.

“Yes,” Dan said.

Phil laughed, and the way he laughed made Dan feel like there was a slowly growing bubble inside of him. “I’m sorry,” Phil said, “But look on the bright side. That’s actually hilarious,” and Dan had to admit it was.

When they parted two hours later, after all the ice in his coffee had melted, Dan had added Phil on every social media platform known to man and had Phil’s number saved in his phone with instructions to text if he had any issues.

Dan wanted to, he really did. He had never wanted to text anyone so badly. He gathered the courage to send a “Hi! It’s Dan!” text, then quickly threw his phone across the room, only to pick it back up immediately when it buzzed with Phil’s response.

It was just a smiley face. Why was Dan so excited about a fucking smiley face? A fucking smiley face that Phil probably only sent because he couldn’t think of anything else to say.

Dan spent the rest of his weekend in his dorm, leaving only to attend exactly one welcome event and spend a truly disturbing amount of time (and money) at The Daily Grind, hoping he’d run into Phil again. Why Dan didn’t just text him, he couldn’t explain. He hadn’t sent anything since the introduction text and Phil’s smiley face reply.

If the universe wanted him and Phil to be friends, the universe would have to work a bit harder.

***

Classes started the next Monday. After the disaster that was the one welcome event he attended, he had spoken to exactly zero people, unless you counted the barista at The Daily Grind. He was almost relieved when classes started just because he’d be around other people again, and if that didn’t say something about how isolated he was, he didn’t know what did.

His relief quickly vanished when his alarm went off at seven am for his eight am calculus discussion section. He dragged himself across campus to his classroom, where he promptly fell asleep when given a worksheet. No one in his group woke him up, and when the TA came around to collect their worksheets, Dan sheepishly turned in a piece of paper with his name on it and a few scribbled numbers he must have written before he passed out.

Dan looked longingly at the time on his phone. He really didn’t have time to take a nap before his next lecture, but oh, he desperately wanted to. He considered skipping, but he knew he should at least attend the first lecture to get an idea of what the attendance policy was like.

He found somewhere on the main quad to sit for a bit, but he must have dozed off, because the next thing he knew, a bell was faintly buzzing in a nearby building, his CS 115 lecture was starting right now, and he still wasn’t sure exactly where it was.

He ended up being around ten minutes late, and as he paused outside the wooden double doors to catch his breath, he again considered just not going. He checked the time again and groaned. He really did feel bad walking in so late, but it was either that or not at all. He straightened up, wiped his hands on his shorts, and opened the door as quietly as possible.

His eyes worked over the seats, searching for an empty spot. There was an entire empty row in the front, but there was no way in hell Dan was sitting there. He spotted a seat in the middle of the back row, and briefly debated turning around and leaving so he wouldn’t have to ask the people at the ends of the row to move.

After looking around again, he braced himself and walked up to the end of the row.

“Excuse me?” Dan whispered.

The girl sitting at the end of the row rolled her eyes and tossed her blue hair over her shoulder, closing her laptop and standing up so Dan could pass.

“Thanks,” Dan whispered, moving past her, which required them to be far closer than Dan was entirely comfortable with.

The rest of the row was mostly a blur of groans and snickers, but everyone at least moved their laptops back so Dan could step over their knees.

Finally, Dan sat down in his seat, his ears burning, and pulled out his laptop.

The professor paused. “And if everyone could make an effort to be on time next time,” she said with a mildness that terrified Dan, “That would be appreciated. Thank you.”

Dan shrunk into his seat. An auspicious beginning to his college career. Hopefully, his lab later in the day would be better than his lecture.

It was not. After standing in line for at least twenty minutes and eating a rushed lunch and attending a two-hour-long lecture for his film class, which was interesting but incredibly long, he showed up to his lab.

He was on time, at least. He even managed to find an empty table. But then the empty table started filling up, and his tablemates all wanted to talk to him, and it was almost a relief when the TA walked in to start class. His relief vanished when he and the TA made eye contact.

It was Phil.

Phil’s eyes widened slightly, but he recovered quickly. He pulled out his laptop and adjusted his glasses. “Welcome to your first lab section,” he said. “I’m Phil Lester, your TA. I’m here to help you work through your lab problems, homework problems, and Machine Project, but they’re ultimately graded by the online autograder, which I have no control over, so bring up any issues about grading to Professor Ross. Any questions?”

Someone’s chair squeaked.

“Okay then,” Phil said. “Today’s lab is to download, configure, and familiarize yourself with IntelliJ. I’m sure that sounds easy, but even experienced programmers have issues getting used to IntelliJ, which is why we’ve devoted a lab period to it. Your instructions are online. Let me or the CAs know if you need help with anything.”

The lab passed with mind numbing boredom, but by the end, with the help of his tablemates and a bored-looking Course Assistant, Dan had IntelliJ up and running.

As he stood to leave, his stomach growled. He really should have picked a lab that was earlier in the day, but whatever. Even if Dan was able to figure out how to use his student portal, it was probably too late to transfer lab sections. He glanced at Phil, but he seemed absorbed in helping another student, so Dan just put his laptop in his backpack and trudged away.

He stepped outside the Computer Science Center and took a deep breath, aiming himself towards his dorm and a thirty-minute walk home, but he was interrupted.

“Hey! Hey, Dan,” Phil said, running after him. “How’d I do?”

Dan looked up. “Phil?”

“Yup,” Phil said. “It’s so funny that you ended up in my class. It must be fate.”

Dan wrinkled his nose. “I don’t believe in fate.”

“Well, you’re no fun,” Phil observed.

“There’s a thing called coincidence.”

“I’m just trying to think of a smooth way to ask you to coffee again, Dan. Work with me here.”

“Is that allowed?” Dan asked.

“Being friends with people in your lab section? It’s not exactly encouraged, but I don’t grade you or anything, so as long as I don’t display blatant favoritism it should be fine.”

So he really did just mean coffee. Again. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“You won’t. Besides, if I did get in trouble, which I won’t, it would be my fault, not yours.”

Dan shrugged.

“Anyway, if you’re not comfortable with it, that’s fine. But I really liked you and thought it would be nice to spend time together sometime. You know, if that’s cool. I know you probably have a ton of work right now, but if you get a chance.”

Phil was nervous, Dan realized. “I think I’d like that,” he said slowly.

Phil smiled. “Text me,” he said, reaching out to touch Dan’s hand briefly. “Anyway, which way are we headed?”

“My dorm’s kind of far.” It was the farthest dorm from the main quad, actually, since Dan had put off registering for housing until a week before the deadline.

“My apartment’s definitely farther. Want a ride?”

“Where are you parked?”

Phil jerked his head to the left. “Like ten minutes that way?”

Dan hesitated. Yes, he did want a ride from Phil. But Phil’s car was parked on the opposite side of campus from his dorm, and it would probably take just as long to walk to Phil’s car and get a ride to his dorm as it would to just walk there.

“Sure,” he said before he could regret it.

“Cool,” Phil said, starting to walk. “So, how are you liking CS so far?”

“It’s fine,” Dan said cautiously, following him.

“No, really,” Phil said. “I do course development for CS 115. I want to know if I made it better or worse.” He flicked his hair out of his face. “I also want to know how things are going for you, of course,” Phil added hastily.

“The homework’s been kind of hard,” Dan said hesitantly.

Phil nodded. “Did you take APCS in high school?”

Dan shook his head.

“No prior coding experience?” Phil continued.

Dan nodded.

Phil nodded. “Yeah, that would do it. Coding has a really harsh learning curve, and Java, in particular, is really unpleasant to beginners. If it were up to me, the class would be taught in Python or something, but we already have so much infrastructure for Java, and a lot of people in the CS department don’t like Python, so it’s probably not happening.”

“Oh.”

Phil shrugged. “Sorry, you’re probably not that interested in how I think your class should be taught. I kind of do that sometimes, talk about things I think are really interesting but no one else does.”

“It’s fine,” Dan said, and weirdly, it was. When Phil talked about things, he had this way of drawing people in- Dan could listen to him for ages. “The way you talk about it makes interesting.”

It was hard to tell in the slanted light of the setting sun, but Phil might have blushed. “Thanks,” he said, “But you really don’t want to get me started on my thesis topic. It’s embarrassing how much I talk about it.”

“It can’t be that bad,” Dan reasoned.

“My ex-boyfriend cited it as one of the reasons he decided to break up with me,” Phil said.

Dan winced. “I’m sorry.”

Phil laughed, but it wasn’t the laugh he normally laughed. This laugh was harsh and brittle. “It’s not your fault.”

Dan didn’t have a lot of bad breakup stories, but he thought he’d try. “I dumped my ex-boyfriend because I found him on Tinder under a fake name.”

“How’d you know it was him then?” Phil asked.

“Oh, he used his real photos. Just the name was fake.”

“Yikes.”

“You could say that again,” Dan said. “Anyway, I lived. It wasn’t that great of a relationship anyway.”

They had reached Phil’s car. Phil fished in his pocket for his keys. Dan awkwardly stood by the side of his car, debating whether to sit in the front or the back seat, before deciding he was not a twelve-year-old being given a ride by his friend’s dad, and ducking into the front passenger’s seat.

“Which dorm?” Phil asked, starting the car.

“Walton,” Dan said.

“Nice,” Phil said. “I didn’t go here for my undergrad, but I hear that’s one of the better ones.”

Dan shrugged. “It’s okay. I got a single, which is nice, but it’s kind of far from all my classes.”

Phil nodded.

“Do you know how to get there?” Dan asked.

“Not really,” Phil confessed.

“Me neither,” Dan said.

“Can you navigate?” Phil asked. “If I tried to Google Maps and drive at the same time I would one hundred percent kill us both. I have no coordination.”

“Encouraging,” Dan said, pulling out his phone and typing his address in.

Phil laughed. “It’s okay. I’m not the world’s best driver, but I’m not the worst, either. Probably.”

“If you say so,” Dan said. “Okay, take a left here.”

Phil turned.

“Okay, then go straight for a while-”

“That’s what my mom said when I came out as bisexual.”

Dan sputtered. “What?”

Phil clarified. “Well, she said she hoped that wouldn’t stop me from settling down with a nice girl someday. But later it turned out I was gay, so joke’s on her.”

“Oh,” Dan said. He hadn’t known Phil was gay, and that knowledge sent a knot to Dan’s stomach that he decided to ignore. He was not attracted to Phil, he reminded himself firmly. “I haven’t told my parents I’m… whatever, yet.”

Phil nodded. “That’s fine. Coming from high school, I assumed that most people were out to their parents, but it turns out that lots of people aren’t out to their parents. I actually feel like most people aren’t. I don’t know, maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part, but I just wanted to let you know. Plenty of people have gay lives at college and their parents don’t have any idea.” He paused for a moment. “Sorry. That was probably weird.”

It was, a little bit, but Dan didn’t say so. “Thanks,” he said. “Um, right here. I mean, turn right. Sorry.”

“Got it,” Phil said, turning. He abruptly braked for someone crossing the street. “God, I hate driving on campus.”

The person crossing the street turned around and glared. “I think the feeling is mutual,” said Dan.

Phil started driving again, more carefully this time. “At least it’s not winter. Driving in the winter here ranks as one of the worst experiences of my life.”

“Is it that bad?” Dan asked.

Phil laughed. “You’re not from around here, are you?”

Dan blushed. “No.”

“I bet you didn’t even bring a coat.”

“Was I supposed to? Can’t that wait until Thanksgiving?”

Phil glanced at Dan, incredulous. “You didn’t bring a winter coat?”

Dan shrugged. “Is that bad?”

“Dear god. You’re going to die. When it gets cold, remind me to lend you a coat. I have extra.”

Dan’s face was still hot. “You don’t need to-”

“I want to.”

Dan felt like his face was on fire. “That would be nice. If you don’t mind.”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t mean it,” Phil said.

Dan shrugged. He was glad that Phil was focusing on the road and couldn’t see his face, which was probably getting redder by the minute.

“Some people do that,” Dan said.

Phil glanced at Dan and smiled. “I don’t. Whenever I offer you something, I mean it, okay?”

“Okay,” Dan said, staring at his feet.

Phil laughed. “You sound like I’m yelling at you. I’m offering you help, Dan. If you don’t need it or you don’t feel comfortable getting it from me, that’s fine, but don’t say no just to avoid being a burden. You’re not.”

“Sorry,” Dan said.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Phil said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Sor-” Dan started, then stopped. “Thanks,” he said.

“That’s better,” Phil said.

Dan laughed. “Are you sure you’re not majoring in early childhood education? You sound like my kindergarten teacher.”

“Pretty sure,” Phil said, “But I was actually looking into being a professor for a while.”

“Wait, really?”

Phil laughed dryly. “Yeah. That dream lasted about three months into my Master’s. There is no way I could survive a Ph.D. program.”

“Oh,” said Dan. “Sorry.”

Phil glanced over at Dan. “You’re doing it again.”

“I am sorry, though. That sucks.”

Phil shrugged. “It really isn’t that bad. You can get some pretty sweet jobs with a Master’s degree in computer science. Just not generally jobs being a computer science professor.” Phil pulled up outside Dan’s dorm. “Anyway. This is you, right?”

Dan started. “Yeah. It is. Uh, thanks.”

Phil smiled. “Yeah. No problem. Let me know if you need a ride anywhere again.”

“I will,” said Dan, who had no intention of becoming such a burden.

“Or if you ever need any help with anything CS-related or anything. You’re not bothering me, I swear. I love computer science and I love helping people.”

Dan couldn’t help but doubt that. “Thanks,” he said, still with no intention of becoming such a burden.

“Have a good night!” Phil called as Dan stepped out of the car.

“You too!” Dan said, shutting the door.

***

Dan’s first week of classes flew by in a blur. He had more homework than he’d ever had in his life, and he was handling it badly. Luckily, most of his professors seemed pretty understanding about it- his film professor gave him an extension on a reading quiz he completely forgot about, and none of his CS homework assignments were due until two weeks into class.

Before he knew it, the first Machine Project for CS 115 was released. He mostly ignored the initial release since the deadline wasn’t for two more weeks- he had plenty of other homework to do anyway. A truly astounding number of papers to write for his English and film classes, a crushing number of assignments for his physics and calculus classes, and the daily homework problems for CS 115 on top of all that.

He continued isolating himself. He wasn’t proud of it, but it seemed like everyone around him had condensed into social groups while he wasn’t paying attention, and now even when he tried, they wouldn’t let him in.

He didn’t mind too much. He wouldn’t pretend it was fun, eating meals in the dining hall on his own and sitting by himself in every lecture, but social interaction was too painful to be worth it. Besides, he wasn’t even sure if he had time to have friends. It wasn’t like he had an abundance of free time to kill.

Anyway, he had Phil. Dan was still a little bit scared of him- he was a grad student after all, and Dan was just a freshman- but they talked sometimes outside of class. Phil sent Dan memes about computers that he didn’t always understand. Dan replied with memes about video games they both played. They usually talked after Dan’s lab. Phil offered him a ride home again, but after Dan declined once, he didn’t offer again. They met up at the coffee shop once to study together, and even though Dan didn’t get much done that day, just being around Phil made him feel much better.

It was already the deadline day when Dan finally remembered his MP. He hadn’t meant to leave it this late, he really hadn’t, but everything was so overwhelming and there was so much going on and it couldn’t be that bad, could it?

He had woken up early. It was ten am. His deadline was eleven pm. That was plenty of time.

He pulled out his laptop, following the instructions on the course website, and surprisingly managed to download the MP starter code with no problems.

Actually completing it was a different story. He had read the instructions over a couple of times, but he still wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Still, hesitatingly, he started typing. There were some red squiggles underneath some of his lines of code, but he ignored them for now. He searched the crowded upper menu, selected the “Test Checkpoint 0” option from the dropdown menu, and clicked run.

A scarily large number of lines with red symbols next to them appeared. Trying not to panic, Dan did his best to decipher them. Each line started with the word “error,” which was probably very bad. It was mostly a mix of errors that read “; expected” and “illegal start of expression,” with one “reached end of file while parsing” error thrown in at the end.

Dan stared at his screen. What file, he wanted to know, and what the fuck was a parsing? He stared at the errors some more. He hit run again.

He got the same error messages. Again.

After some more staring, he decided to go to office hours. He packed up his laptop and checked his phone to see who was holding office hours right now. His heart started beating a bit faster when he saw that Phil was holding office hours for eight hours starting in fifteen minutes.

Well. It couldn’t hurt to see Phil. It gave him something to think about on the thirty-minute walk to the Computer Science Center, at least.

He really needed to figure out the bus system. This was way too much walking.

Office hours for CS 115 were held in the same room as labs. It was large, spacious, filled with enough tables and chairs that the forty or so students in his lab always had room left over, but today, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to find a seat. He stood inside the door, scanning the room for a seat before giving up and aiming for a spot on the floor near a table and an outlet. He plugged his laptop in and raised his hand, waiting for help. Miraculously, a CA came to him within a few minutes. “What’s the issue?” he asked.

“Um, I don’t really know,” Dan said. “My code won’t compile and I’m getting this error?”

The CA bent over to look at Dan’s screen. “You probably have a missing parenthesis or curly brace somewhere,” the CA told him. He flicked shaggy blond hair out of his eyes.

“Where?” Dan asked.

The CA double-clicked on the error message, which brought his cursor to the start of one of Dan’s method names. “Somewhere above here, probably.”

“But where?” Dan asked.

The CA shrugged, already moving away. “I’m really sorry, there are a lot of people I need to help. You’ll have to look for it yourself.”

Dan scowled and stared at his code, looking for the line with the error. His eyes flickered between lines of code, scanning for matching parenthesis and curly braces. His eyes blurred. It looked fine. It really looked fine. Was there really something wrong? He hit the run button again.

The same error message appeared. Dan groaned in frustration. He went back to hunting for his mistake.

Half an hour later, Dan found his mistake. This time when he ran his code, the test suites started running too. Dan let out a breath he had been holding for much too long and let his shoulders sag, relief coursing through him. He didn’t even care that he failed every single test. The fact that his code ran at all was honestly a miracle. He stared at the new error messages, trying to figure out exactly what was going on. He had no idea what he was even looking for, but he stared at it resolutely, fighting back a yawn.

He was just about to give up when Phil materialized in front of him. “How’s it going?” Phil asked.

Dan looked up. “Oh, hey. I didn’t know you were doing office hours today,” he lied.

Phil smiled. “Surprise, I guess. How goes the coding?”

Dan explained the situation.

“So you’ve moved on from getting a compile error to getting a runtime error!” Phil said. “Now you can start debugging.”

“Lucky me,” Dan said.

Phil laughed. “Debugging isn’t fun, I’ll give you that. But when everything falls together? It’s the best feeling in the world.” He glanced around. “I should get to helping people.”

“What if I need help?” Dan complained.

“Raise your hand,” Phil said, trying and desperately failing to wink before sweeping off to help other students. “See you.”

Dan returned to his laptop, hiding a smile. His smile slowly faded as he worked. His code was not as easy to fix as he had hoped it would be when he first got it to compile.

He worked on it for about an hour, during which a chair opened up at a nearby table and he scrambled for a seat. He raised his hand.

It only took a few minutes for Phil to arrive. “So what’s the issue?” he asked, leaning over Dan’s shoulder.

“I’m not really sure,” he admitted. “There’s, um, a lot going on.”

Phil nodded. “So, where did you start?”

“Kind of everywhere,” Dan confessed.

“Okay, well, don’t do that,” Phil said. “How about you start with the first method?”

Dan scrolled up. “This one?”

“Sure. It doesn’t really matter.”

Dan had some code written there, all spaghetti lines splashed with lines of red like tomato sauce. He resolutely ignored the slight pangs of hunger in his stomach. “It’s failing the tests.”

“Well, you’re not done, are you?”

Dan felt slightly silly. “No,” he mumbled.

“Then how about you get it done?” Phil said. “Read the documentation a few times and ask me if you have any questions, but try to find answers in the documentation first.”

Dan scowled. Phil smiled. Why was his stupid face always so fucking happy?

He read the documentation, like Phil told him to. When he got confused, he read it again. It slowly started to make more sense.

He started typing again, working on a single method this time instead of jumping around. The first two went okay, but he got stuck on the third for an embarrassingly long time.

He looked around and raised his hand, but the TAs and CAs all looked busy, and none of them seemed to notice. He sighed and put it down.

He must have sighed really loudly, because the girl next to him shot him a look.

“Sorry,” he said.

She rolled her eyes. “It’s fine.”

He glared at his screen again, hoping that the error in his logic would suddenly jump into focus. It didn’t. He sighed again.

The girl next to him glared again.

Dan meant to apologize, but he accidentally said something else. “Can you help me?”

For one frightening moment, he thought she might snap him in half. But then she didn’t. “With what?” she asked.

“I don’t know why I’m failing this test case.” He turned his laptop towards her.

She hesitated for a second before looking. Her eyes lit up in recognition. “Oh, I got that error before.” She reached over to scroll on Dan’s laptop and pointed out a section of his code. “You see here? You’re not checking that the input is valid.”

Dan stared at it. “But-” Something clicked. “Oh,” he said. “Oh.” He reached for his keyboard and added a few lines of code above the section she had pointed out. He ran the autograder and held his breath.

A hundred percent. Thank god. He allowed himself to look up from his laptop for the first time in an hour and realized the room was almost empty except for him, Phil, the girl sitting next to him, and a few other scattered students.

Dan spent a few more moments glancing at Phil, trying to gauge when he would be done so they could leave at the same time, but Phil didn’t look like he was going to leave anytime soon. Dan watched as Phil sat next to another- student? course assistant? TA? Dan couldn’t tell. Phil laughed and threw his arm around the other boy.

He knew Phil had an ex-boyfriend, Dan realized with a jolt, and it sounded recent, but he had no idea if Phil was currently seeing anyone. There was a lot he didn’t know about Phil. Ears burning, he buried his face back in his laptop, trying to look busy, even though he didn’t have anything left to do other than submit his work.

He snuck another glance at Phil. Phil didn’t have his arm around the other boy anymore, but they were hunched together over the same laptop, shoulders pressed together, exchanging glances and the occasional laugh as the other boy explained something, animated. A bolt of jealousy shot through Dan’s stomach. He tried to ignore it.

They were just quiet enough that Dan couldn’t make out the details of their conversation, but just loud enough to be distracting. His eyes were drawn back to them again and again.

Dan had always been a jealous person. He had learned to cope with it over the years, but nothing ever seemed to make it go away completely. It stemmed from a place of insecurity, he knew, because as nice as Phil might be, as nice as anyone might be to Dan, there was no way they would ever really like him. And if they did, they were just seconds away from realizing what a bad deal they got with Dan, how much better they could do.

Dan wrenched his gaze away from Phil again. He could submit his work when he got back to his dorm. He waited until Phil’s back was turned before slipping out the door.

***

The next Monday, when Dan slunk into the back of lecture and sat in the closest seat to the door he could find, he realized he recognized the head in front of him. He tapped her shoulder to say hello.

“What’s your name?” Dan asked. “I just realized I never got it this weekend. Sorry.”

She glanced at him, startled. “Helen.” Her blue hair rustled, and suddenly something clicked.

“Hey, wait. Did we meet on the first day of class?”

She stared at him. “Were you that guy who was late?”

Dan nodded. “Yes.”

Helen laughed. “God, I thought Professor Ross was going to kill you.”

Dan smiled, embarrassed. “I thought so too. I’m Dan, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Dan.” She smiled.

“Really?” Dan asked. “I’m going to be honest, most times we’ve met before I haven’t made a great impression.”

Helen froze. “You totally think I’m a bitch; I’m so sorry.”

“No, no,” Dan started, but Helen was already talking again.

“I’m so sorry, I was just super stressed that first day of class and when I saw you the other day I hadn’t finished my MP yet and I-”

Dan cut in. “Seriously, you’re fine.” He smiled. “And you helped me anyway, which is what really matters.”

Helen took a deep breath. “Cool.”

“Cool,” Dan said. “So, do you-”

Their professor started speaking, interrupting Dan. “Later,” Helen said, swivelling to focus completely on class.

Dan envied the totality of her focus, the way she was able to switch it on and off like it was nothing. The only thing he had ever been able to focus on with that kind of intensity was video games. He reluctantly turned back to the front of the room and tried to herd his thoughts into something resembling order.

He failed. No matter how much he tried to pay attention to the lecture, his thoughts kept drifting back to Phil. Phil, offering to buy some dumb freshman a coffee. Phil, offering him a ride home. Phil, teasing him when he asked for help and telling him to wait in line. Phil, helping him anyway.

Dan smiled. He couldn’t help it.

Oh god. He had a crush on Phil.

There was no way he could be expected to focus on class now. No way.

He tried anyway. He wrote some notes on a google doc. Something about inheritance and pets and dogs and cats and he wondered if Phil was a cat or a dog person and fuck. He was fucked.

He tried really hard to focus. He really did. But when class ended, he had about five lines of notes that probably wouldn’t even make sense to the professor if he showed them to her.

His mood brightened slightly when he noticed Helen waiting for him at the door of the auditorium.

“Hey!” he said, hurrying to meet her.

“Hey!” she said. “So, how was lecture?”

“It was lecture,” Dan said. “How do you expect me to say it went?”

Helen shrugged. “I took APCS last year, and we’re finally getting into stuff that I haven’t seen before. I actually really like it.”

“This is my first programming class,” Dan said.

“Oh, wow,” Helen said. “I would probably die.”

Dan was dying a little bit. “It’s pretty rough,” he admitted.

“Why are you taking it then? Is it a required class for you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said. “This is my major. Unfortunately.”

“Unfortunately?” she asked.

Dan shrugged.

She let it drop. “It’s required for me too. I’m actually a double major, though; this and film studies.”

Dan stopped. “Wait, are you by any chance in my film class too?”

“FS 105?” she asked.

“Yes!” Dan smiled.

“One o’clock, Tuesdays and Thursdays, with Professor Min?”

Dan nodded again. “We should try to sit next to each other.”

“Sure!” she said. “Can I give you my number?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, digging through his bag and handing her his phone. She quickly put her number in and handed it back.

“See you around!” she said.

“See you!” Dan replied. He made the usual walk back towards his dorm, but he felt a bit lighter than normal this time.

***

After seeing Phil with the other boy in office hours, Dan tried to avoid Phil at his next lab. He managed to escape a tiny bit early while Phil was talking to another student. The next week, he wasn’t so lucky. When he tried to duck out, Phil was already waiting for him outside the classroom.

“I haven’t heard from you in a bit,” he said.

Dan shrugged. “I’ve been busy.” It wasn’t a lie. Most of his classes were completely kicking his ass at the moment, and he still hadn’t started the next MP, which was sure to be a completely new level in the history of ass-kickery.

“Classes are catching up to you?”

Dan nodded.

“You seemed stressed at office hours. I hope MP Zero went okay?”

Dan nodded. “I think I just left it a bit late.”

Phil huffed. “That’s a mood if I’ve ever heard one. I’m the world’s worst procrastinator.”

Dan felt that that title should probably belong to him.

“Anyway, I hope you’re doing okay,” Phil said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “The first semester of college can be really rough.”

Dan blinked. Was Phil… worried about him?

“Thanks,” Dan said, his voice coming out startlingly watery.

He hadn’t expected Phil to show… genuine concern for him. Maybe he wasn’t just some dumb freshman Phil had picked up out of pity. Phil seemed to… actually care about him.

Phil nodded. “Let me know if you ever want to talk,” he said softly.

Dan nodded, not trusting his voice.

“See you around,” Phil said, patting Dan’s shoulder and moving past him with a quick, almost embarrassed smile.

“Yeah,” Dan echoed to an empty room. “See you.”

***

Dan was determined not to leave the second MP to the last minute. He started it an entire week before it was due.

He downloaded the starter code and read a bit of the documentation, then decided he deserved a break. He picked up his phone and texted Phil.

i’m bored, he said.

Dan barely put his phone down before he got a reply.

Mood, Phil said.

Dan opened the text. He wasn’t even sure how he would reply, but Phil was already typing again.

Where are you?

Dan glanced around his dorm room. dorm, he sent.

Where’s dorm? Phil asked.

Dan settled back into his pillow of blankets. you know where i live, he replied.

I forgot.

Dan laughed. ur the worst friend, he typed.

Just remind me lol don’t mock me like this

Dan wanted to push it further, but he also wanted to know why Phil wanted to know where he was. walton, remember? he sent.

That’s only ten minutes from where I am rn lol, Phil sent back. Wanna meet up?

Dan only hesitated for about ten seconds this time. sure, wya?

Phil sent him the address of the coffee shop where they first met: The Daily Grind.

Dan responded with a thumbs-up emoji. He shoved his feet into his sneakers and left his dorm faster than he would have thought humanly possible.

It was embarrassing, he reflected, how easy it was to get him to go places Phil would be. Maybe he would go to classes more often if he got someone to text him saying Phil would be there ahead of time.

The walk was supposed to be ten minutes. Dan swore the anticipation made it feel like at least twenty, but according to his watch it was actually seven and a half.

He arrived at the coffee shop only slightly out of breath. He saw Phil almost right away, but had to wait ten minutes in line for his coffee before he was able to slide into the seat across from Phil.

“Hey,” he said.

Phil smiled. “Hey. How’s it going?”

“Okay. I got started on the next MP today.”

Phil’s eyes lit up. “Good!” he said. “Not too hard, I hope?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, deciding to quickly change the subject. “What are you working on?”

Phil frowned at his screen. “Thesis things.”

“Writing?”

Phil shook his head. “No, not yet. Just looking at data.”

“Can I see?”

“Sure,” Phil said, turning his laptop around, “But it probably doesn’t mean much to you.”

It didn’t, but Dan nodded anyway. “Nice,” he said.

Phil shrugged. “It’s not really nice at the moment, but thank you.” He paused. “Did you bring anything to work on?”

Dan had his laptop and most of his notes for his classes, so he could work on those, he supposed, but he didn’t want to. “I was hoping we could just hang out. If you’re not too busy, anyway.”

“I could use a break,” Phil admitted, closing his laptop. “What do you want to talk about?”

Dan thought about it for a moment. “Tell me about your thesis topic,” he eventually said.

Phil started. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” said Dan. “Just make sure to explain it to me like I’m three, because in Computer Science years, I am.”

Phil nodded slowly. “So, I’m studying human-computer interaction. Do you know what that is?”

“No idea,” Dan said, sipping his coffee.

“Well, it’s basically- like, we communicate with computers using a keyboard and mouse. Or a touchscreen if you’re on a phone, or a touchpad if you’re on a laptop, or whatever- you get the idea. And mostly that works okay, but what if there were better ways to communicate with your computer?”

“Are there?”

Phil shrugged. “Well, I like to think that what we have now is better than crawling around inside a computer and reconnecting vacuum tubes like they did seventy years ago or whatever.”

Dan nodded.

“But then when you get to weird, complex stuff like AI, it’s like, we could communicate with this the way we communicate with regular computer programs. But we could also do literally everything in the terminal, and we don’t, partly because it’s a pain in the ass and partly because it makes technology super inaccessible to non-tech people.” Phil paused. “Like, could you imagine scrolling through Instagram by running a program in the terminal and putting in a new command to see each photo, and there was a special command to like or comment or share? That’d be a terrible user experience.”

“I don’t even know how to do anything in the terminal,” Dan confessed. “I think the only time I’ve ever opened it is when someone else did it for me.”

“Exactly!” Phil said. “It’s also really unfriendly to beginners. Like, can you even imagine having to program computers in an era where you’d actually have to program in actual machine code? I would die.”

Dan confirmed that, he, too, would probably die under those circumstances. Or just pick a different major.

“So anyway, to make, for example, things like AI more accessible to people without a PhD, or people without any technology background whatsoever, we need to build user interfaces for those. And those user interfaces might not look anything like computers we’re used to. For example, some people are looking into AIs you can communicate with the same way you’d communicate with another person, or computer programs that are controlled by your brain. I mean, they’re a long way away, but I’m actually doing some research with that.”

“That’s… really cool,” said Dan.

“So yeah,” Phil said, messing with his coffee mug. “It’s way more complicated than that, obviously, but that’s the gist of it.”

“Thanks for telling me,” Dan said.

Phil shrugged. “Thanks for listening. I know it’s not really interesting unless you’re already interested.”

Dan shrugged. “I’m interested in you. So it’s interesting.” He realized the way that sounded when the words were just halfway out of his mouth, and he felt blood rising in his cheeks.

Phil’s cheeks colored. He cleared his throat. “Thanks,” he said awkwardly.

Dan tried really, really hard not to die. Luckily, Phil changed the subject. “So, how’s everything else going for you? Like, the not-CS stuff.”

Dan decided not to tell Phil that his life was, in fact, falling apart, and he had no friends. “It’s going okay,” he said. “My classes are honestly really intense, though, I haven’t had much time outside of them.”

“You said you got a start on MP One, though, right? That’s good.”

Dan shrugged. “I cloned the repo.”

“That’s still a start,” Phil encouraged.

Dan shrugged again.

“Feel free to ask for help if you need it. Office hours are basically 24/7, and this time I’m not doing Sunday office hours, so I’ll have some free time then if you want me specifically.”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Dan lied. “But thanks.”

“Yeah, any time,” Phil said, looking down. His phone buzzed and he jumped. “Fuck.”

“What?” Dan asked.

“Sorry,” Phil said. “I have class in fifteen minutes.” He glanced down at his phone. “I mean, it’s just a lecture….” He trailed off.

“No, you should go,” Dan said. “I have class soon too.”

“Yeah,” Phil said, shoving his phone into his pocket. “Sorry. Um, see you soon?”

“Yeah, of course!” Dan said.

Phil hesitated for a bit, leaning towards Dan as if he was going to give him a hug before lurching back again and awkwardly waving goodbye. “Text me,” he said, before leaving.

Dan did, eventually, just not under ideal circumstances. The next week, he sat down to start actually coding for MP1.

He didn’t understand the documentation or the starter code, or what an object was and why it was oriented and programming. In general, as the kids would say, he was not vibing.

He considered texting Helen, but then he remembered how stressed she was before the last MP deadline and thought better of it.

He remembered Phil’s offer to help. He hesitated, but reached for his phone anyway.

i need help, he texted Phil.

Don’t we all, Phil replied nearly instantly. With what?

MP1, Dan said.

We can meet up if you want? Unless your question is pretty basic, then you can just ask now

Even though Phil had offered to help him, a wave of relief crashed through Dan when he realized Phil really meant it. He hesitated. meeting up would be good if you’re not too busy

I’m not! I’m just hanging out at the daily grind all day. Let me know if you want to stop by.

Dan didn’t want to look too desperate for help, but at the same time, he was. i’ll be there soon, he replied. He tossed his laptop and charger into his bag and left the library.

***

“That was fast,” Phil commented when Dan slid into the booth across from him.

“I was nearby,” Dan said.

Phil closed his laptop. “So what do you need help with?” he asked, leaning across the table.

“I think something’s wrong with my constructor,” Dan said.

Phil frowned. “That’s like, half the checkpoint. Can you be more specific?”

“Uhhhh,” Dan said. “So, I think the issue might be that I’m having trouble with the concept of a constructor.”

“Okay,” Phil said. “What part?”

Dan felt his face go red. “All of it?”

Phil sighed. “Can I use your computer?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Phil tilted Dan’s laptop towards him, pulled up a browser and quickly navigated to the course home page, and then the slides for last week’s lecture.

“Here you go,” Phil said, clapping Dan’s shoulder. “Let me know if you have any questions about the notes.”

“Thanks,” Dan said sarcastically. He spent about 15 minutes reading through the slides before switching to watching the lecture videos at two times speed, reaching over to tap Phil on the shoulder and ask questions whenever he reached anything that confused him.

Then, when he finally finished reviewing lectures, he started the MP. It made a bit more sense now. A bit.

After he had written out most of the checkpoint, he ran the test suites, but again, his code wouldn’t compile. It listed a few errors this time, luckily not as many as he had gotten last time he had the missing curly brace. He frowned at his screen, unable to decipher what exactly they meant, before flipping his computer to show Phil and tapping his shoulder.

Phil pulled his headphones off to examine the screen.

“Hang on,” he said. “Are you writing out the entire thing before trying to compile and test it?”

Dan looked up at Phil. “I mean, not the entire thing.”

“But most of it?”

“I guess, yeah.”

“Don’t do that. Run your code literally as often as possible. It makes it easier to tell when you break it. Didn’t they mention that in lecture?”

Dan shrugged. He honestly wasn’t sure what was happening in lecture these days.

“Well, they should have,” Phil said, returning to his coffee. “Anyway, the first two errors are probably telling you you’re missing a semicolon, and it looks like the third doesn’t recognize a variable or method name. Common culprits for that will be typos or forgetting to declare it properly.” He paused to scroll a bit through Dan’s code. “Yeah, just take a look at each error on its own, fix it, try running your code again, and see if it makes it better or worse. And in the future, run your code more often so you’ll generally only have to fix one error at a time.”

Dan groaned.

“Debugging never gets fun, kid.”

Dan wrinkled his nose. “I’m nineteen. Don’t call me kid.” He decided not to comment on the other reason he thought it was weird for Phil to call him kid.

“Sure, kid.” Phil reached over to pat his head. Dan swatted his hand away.

“Oy. Don’t mess up my hair.”

Phil laughed.

“I’m serious. I spend like an hour straightening it every morning. If you mess it up I’ll kill you.”

“Okay, okay,” Phil said, leaning back. He raised his hands in the air. “No hair touchy. See?”

“Good,” Dan said, returning to his work. Occasionally, he stopped to ask Phil questions. Phil was annoyingly unhelpful. He refused to answer half of Dan’s questions, instead redirecting him to google or the documentation.

“It’s my sacred obligation as a tutor,” Phil said. “You’re never supposed to just give people an answer. You have to give them the skills to find the answer themselves.”

“Did you memorize that from a handbook somewhere? That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

Phil shook his head, looking hurt. “I wrote the handbook we use to train Course Assistants.”

Dan laughed. “Of course you did.”

Phil looked insulted. “Someone had to.”

Dan relented. “I’m sure it’s a great manual.”

Phil sat back, still pouting slightly. “We didn’t have any training procedures before I took over the program.”

“Thank you for your service,” Dan said.

“You’re welcome,” Phil said. “Now get back to work, kid.”

They fell into comfortable silence. Phil put his headphones back on, and Dan slipped his earbuds in.

He was actually making decent progress when Phil interrupted him by pushing Dan’s computer screen down slightly.

Dan looked up.

“It’s getting late. I think I’m going to go back to my apartment,” Phil said.

“Oh,” Dan said. “Okay.”

Phil started clearing his books of their table, then hesitated. “Want to come with?”

Dan’s heart started to beat faster. “Yeah, sure,” he said, doing his best to sound normal.

“I hope that’s not weird. Sorry, I just get my best work done there, and it’s getting close to dinner- if you don’t mind staying for dinner, anyway, we could also grab something on the way.”

“I’m cool with whatever,” Dan said, starting to pack his things.

“Instant ramen it is!” Phil said. “I also have mac and cheese if you’d prefer that. The college staples.”

“Sure,” Dan said. “It beats dorm food. They’re having meatloaf tonight.”

Phil winced. “Is that as bad as it was at my undergrad?”

Dan shrugged his backpack over his shoulder. “Probably. Meatloaf is bad everywhere.”

Phil laughed. “Don’t tell my mom I laughed at that.”

“Why do moms everywhere think meatloaf is so great?”

“I wish I knew,” Phil said. “Maybe I’d be able to get them to stop making it.”

“The one thing technology can’t do,” Dan mused.

“I promise you there’s a Silicon Valley startup dedicated to that somewhere.”

“Really?” Dan asked.

Phil rolled his eyes. “There are dumb silicon valley startups for almost everything.” He stood up. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” said Dan, following.

“My car is in the shop,” Phil explained. “I hope you don’t mind walking.”

“That’s fine,” said Dan, who would never dream of saying anything even if he did mind.

“It’s not too far, just twenty minutes. I normally walk it, actually, since parking on campus is hell.”

“I walk that far all the time. I still haven’t figured out the bus system,” Dan admitted.

Phil laughed. “Wait until it gets cold. You’ll figure it out soon enough.”

“God, don’t remind me,” Dan mumbled. Phil laughed.

They spent the rest of the walk in comfortable conversation. Phil asked Dan about his family, and Dan asked about his in return. Dan told Phil about his younger brother at home in California and his parents who were so insistent that he get his degree. Phil told Dan about his older brother who already ran his own business, was engaged to his girlfriend, and was only a year and a half older than him.

“It’s kind of hard to measure up to that,” Phil said with a slightly bitter laugh. “I mean, I love Martyn, I really do, but I’ll never be like him.”

“Is it your parents pressuring you about it? Or just yourself?” Dan asked.

Phil shrugged. “Mostly me, I guess. It’s nothing they’ve really done, I just… feel like I’m not what they’re supposed to want. Even if they don’t mind.”

“You’re getting your Master’s degree,” Dan said, “In a subject that will actually get you a job after you graduate. That’s better than a lot of people can say.”

Phil was quiet for a moment. “But I’m me,” he said. “I dropped out of my PhD program and my grades in undergrad sucked and I don’t even know why they let me in here. And my parents want me to hurry up and have babies, and I’m, well, gay.” He shook his head. “Sorry, that’s so dumb. I was joking with that thing I said the other day about my mom, they don’t mind. Literally everyone around me is fine, I’m just… not. I don’t know, I can’t imagine someone not being disappointed in me.”

“No,” Dan said. “I get it.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes.

Phil cleared his throat. “That was sad.”

Dan laughed. “If you want sad, we can talk about my relationship with my dad.”

Phil shook his head. “That’s okay. Unless you want to.”

“There isn’t much to talk about. He’s just, y’know. Vaguely a homophobe.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil said. Dan could see the pain reflected in Phil’s eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Yeah,” Dan said. “But thanks,” he added more softly.

“Sure,” Phil said.

Dan cleared his throat. “Anyway,” he said, changing the subject, “You mentioned you knew a lot of dumb silicon valley startups?”

Phil laughed. “Luckily, most of the worst ideas never got that far. Mostly, I’m just annoyed about how pushy those people get. I once had a guy try to talk to me about his password manager startup the week before finals while I was in the library trying to study.”

Dan laughed. “Did you let him?”

“That’s the worst part,” Phil said, letting his voice rise to a whine. “I didn’t want to be rude and tell him to go away so I just sat through his entire ten minute pitch. It was awful.”

“Oh no,” Dan said, giggling.

Phil thumped his shoulder. “Don’t laugh at me,” he whined. “It was traumatizing!”

Dan laughed harder.

“Don’t pretend you’d be any different,” Phil reproached.

“You don’t know me,” Dan defended himself. “Maybe I’m secretly super confrontational.”

Phil wrinkled his nose. “Sure, kid.”

“Don’t call me kid,” Dan reproached.

“Sure, child.”

“That’s worse. I will have you know I am a legal adult.”

“Sure you are,” Phil said.

Dan pouted. He didn’t look that young. “I’m not that baby-faced,” he said.

Phil looked skeptical.

“I’m not,” he insisted.

“Sure,” Phil said, smiling. “Anyway, my apartment’s just over here.” He led Dan to a door just a few feet into an alley. He jiggled his key in the lock, pushed his shoulder against the door, and led Dan into in his apartment.

Dan didn’t really know what to expect from a college student’s apartment, but he supposed Phil’s apartment fit the stereotypes. It was small and dimly lit, but mostly clean, with a common area with a sofa and a TV connected to a kitchen and a hallway that Dan assumed led to the bedrooms.

“We can work in my room, if that’s okay,” Phil said. “I don’t want to bother my roommates.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Dan said automatically. Inside, though, he was freaking out. Phil’s room? He was almost 99% certain Phil didn’t mean it like that, but if he did...

Phil must have noticed the look on Dan’s face, because he paused. “Are you sure it’s fine?”

“Yes,” Dan insisted.

“Was it what I said earlier? I was just teasing,” Phil said softly. “You’re not that baby-faced. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.”

Dan’s face felt warm. “No, it’s okay. Sorry, I just-”

“You don’t need to apologize if I made you uncomfortable,” Phil said.

“You didn’t,” Dan said.

“You’d tell me if I did, right?”

Dan shrugged helplessly.

Phil shook his head. “I swear to god.”

“I’ll try,” Dan said.

“Good. Now, do you want to go to my room or do you want to stay in the living room?”

“Your room is fine.”

“Okay,” Phil said, leading Dan through his living room, down a hall, and into his room. He immediately dumped his backpack onto a pile of (hopefully) clean laundry. “Sorry it’s a mess,” he said, clearly embarrassed. “I wasn’t expecting to have anyone over today.”

To be honest, Phil’s room was pretty messy, but Dan wasn’t in a position to judge. Living in a single dorm room without his mom to yell at him to pick up his dirty laundry meant things could get pretty bad in his room.

Phil gestured to his bed. “You can sit here if you’d like. There’s also my desk.”

Phil’s desk was buried under mountains of papers, and it looked like there were some stacked on his chair too. There were way too many papers for someone whose main assignments were submitted via GitHub. Dan sat down on the bed.

“Cool,” Phil said. “I’ll be back in a minute, just going to make the ramen. Make yourself at home.”

Dan was tempted to snoop, but he opened up the MP again instead, staring at his code. He was only failing one test suite now, but he couldn’t figure out why. He checked the time. He only had an hour before he had to submit his code.

He frowned, as if glaring at his code would make it suddenly make sense. He thought he might be making progress when Phil’s door opened, interrupting his thoughts.

Phil handed Dan a mug and a spoon. “Sorry,” he said. “All the bowls are dirty.”

“That’s fine,” Dan said, setting aside his laptop. He could take a few minutes to eat.

It seemed like Phil had the same thought process, sitting next to Dan on his bed with his own mug and bowl. They ate quickly in companionable silence, but Phil was the first to finish, downing the last of his broth and setting it on his desk. Dan followed his lead.

Before Phil could get too absorbed in his own work, Dan tapped his shoulder.

“Can you help me with this for a sec?” he asked.

“Sure,” Phil said, looking over Dan’s shoulder. He paused for a moment, head cocked to the side, before speaking again. “That for loop- why does it only go until the length of the array minus one?”

“Because otherwise-” Dan stopped. “Oh. I was trying to avoid an index out of bounds exception, but I guess I didn’t need to do that there.” He was acutely aware of Phil’s shoulder pressed into his back.

Phil shrugged. “Let’s see.”

Dan changed the code and ran the test suite again.

Slowly, the symbols next to each test case turned green.

Dan stared at it, unbelieving.

“Don’t forget to commit and push,” Phil said.

Dan nodded, still in shock, his hands moving to submit his work almost automatically. “It worked,” he said breathlessly. “It worked!”

Phil closed his laptop and set it aside. “Really,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. “I was right?”

“Literally shut the fuck up,” Dan said, putting his laptop on top of Phil’s and flopping down so he was lying right next to Phil. “You’re so fucking annoying.”

“Really,” Phil said, laughing into Dan’s shoulder.

“Yes,” Dan groaned, and then Phil’s eyes were right there, so close, and then they were even closer, and their lips were touching, and it was nothing and everything like Dan had imagined.

Phil was warm and soft and solid in his mouth, under his hands, beneath his skin. His hands ran over Dan’s chest, dipped under his shirt. Dan gasped.

“You okay?” Phil asked, his normally light eyes dark with concern and something else.

“Yeah,” Dan said. “Yeah, that felt… really nice.”

“Okay,” Phil said, running his hands down Dan’s arms. “We don’t have to-”

“I want to,” Dan said, gripping Phil back. “Please don’t stop.”

“Okay,” Phil said, and he kissed him again, and this time he didn’t stop.

Afterwards, when the heat and grasping hands were done, Dan sat up, but Phil pulled him back down.

“Don’t go,” he said, wrapping his arms around Dan.

So Dan didn’t.

***

Dan’s alarm was blaring. He shifted, mindlessly, reaching for his phone to turn it off.

He fell out of bed. “Ow,” he mumbled, finally getting his phone to shut up.

Phil’s head poked out from his bedsheets. “Dan?” he asked groggily.

“I have a class,” Dan said, pulling his boxers on.

“It’s so early,” Phil said.

“Yeah,” Dan snapped. “That’s how eight am’s work, Phil.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Phil said, sitting up. “Do you need anything?”

“How long does it take to get to the main quad from here?” Dan asked, yanking his shirt over his head.

“Like half an hour? I can walk you-”

“Fuck,” Dan said, looking at his phone (which was at a disturbingly low percentage). “I’m going to be late.”

“You can skip, Dan, I really want to talk to you-”

“No, I can’t,” Dan said harshly. He was tying his shoes now.

“Okay,” Phil said, “But Dan, we really need to-”

Dan left before Phil could finish his sentence.

***

He wasn’t sure if he should have bothered going to class. All he could think about was Phil anyway. The way his hands felt tangled in his hair. The way his mouth felt on his skin. Certainly not definite integrals.

He had classes back to back until his CS 115 lab. He didn’t even have time to go back to his dorm to change, just to scarf down a quick meal in the dining hall. He hoped no one noticed he was wearing yesterday’s clothes, but who even would? It wasn’t like anyone cared enough about him to pay enough attention.

He considered skipping his lab. He never really got anything out of it, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to face Phil possibly ever again.

He checked his grade. Well. No chance of missing lab, then.

He slunk in the back of the classroom and chose the closest seat to the door. He tried not to make eye contact with Phil when he walked in. Phil didn’t even seem to notice Dan. He looked disgustingly put together, Dan thought. He had no right to look like everything was fine.

Phil approached his lab table. Dan looked down.

“Dan?” Phil said. “Can I speak with you after class?”

Dan’s face was hot. He continued staring resolutely at the table. “Fine.”

“You and your boyfriend fighting, Howell?” the guy at the end of his lab table mocked.

“That was inappropriate, Nathan,” Phil said.

Nathan just rolled his eyes. Dan’s face got even hotter.

He didn’t finish his lab. At a certain point, he gave up trying. He was useless at coding, and he was even more useless with Phil standing behind him every time he turned around. He scowled, staring at his screen, willing a solution to appear. He was almost grateful when Phil dismissed the class and he could put his laptop away and give up.

He started to head out the door when he heard Phil’s voice.

“Dan,” Phil said.

Dan turned around, rolling his eyes. “Yes, sir.”

Phil blushed. “I hope you didn’t forget about our meeting,” he managed, flustered.

“How could I forget?” Dan asked, sarcasm lacing his voice.

“Dan.” Phil took a deep breath. “I’m trying to give you some leeway right now, given the situation. But that is not an appropriate way to speak to your TA.”

Dan stared at Phil sullenly.

“Okay,” Phil said. “Dan, you’re not doing very well in this class.”

Dan continued staring.

“I’m not here to encourage you to drop the class or anything. Hopefully this is a temporary setback we can work through. There are a lot of resources available to you as a student of this university. We want you to succeed.”

“That’s nice,” Dan said. “Anything else?”

Phil sighed. “Dan, can we talk?”

“About what?”

“I think you know what. You kind of ran off this morning.” Phil took Dan’s silence as encouragement to keep talking. “Dan, I- I shouldn’t have done that. I’m your TA, and you’re my student. That’s bad enough. But Dan, you’re my friend. I wanted to make sure that everything we did last night… that you were okay with it.”

Dan stared at the ground.

“I would never want to hurt you. But you need to tell me if I did.”

“You didn’t,” Dan said.

Phil relaxed slightly. “I’m glad. But I’m still sorry.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “It was that bad, huh?”

“I just meant- Dan, I really like you. But I can’t do this while you’re my student. I’m sorry. I just can’t. Maybe next semester, if we’re both still interested, but right now, I’m just not comfortable with that.”

“Great,” Dan said.

“Really, I’m sorry. I hope we can still be friends.”

Dan’s stomach twisted. “Friends.”

“It’s okay if you can’t do that. It’s okay if you never want to see me again. You can switch lab sections. You can-“

“No,” Dan said. “You’re literally my only friend. I’m not losing you over something as stupid as this.”

“That’s really sweet,” Phil said. “But you really need to get more friends.”

“I know,” Dan said. He did, unfortunately, but knowing he needed more friends didn’t mean it was easy to make them.

“Dan. If we’re going to be friends, I just need you to know I really am sorry. It was my job not to cross any boundaries, not yours, and now I’ve gone and made it all weird.”

“Stop acting like this is all your fault!” Dan exploded. “Stop sitting there fucking apologizing like you did something I didn’t want. I’m nineteen, I knew what I was doing, and if I didn’t want it, I wouldn’t have fucking said I wanted it.”

Phil stared at Dan. “Dan, I- look, I’m just saying-”

“Well, stop.”

Phil raised his hands defensively. “Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Okay then. I guess we’re done. Unless you have anything else you want to say.”

Dan glared at him. “No.”

“Okay. See you next week, unless you decide to switch lab sections.” Phil reached for his coat.

“Wait,” Dan said. “I have a question.”

“About?”

“Computer Science.”

“Okay,” Phil said, stepping closer to Dan.

“Do you like CS?” Dan asked quietly.

Phil sighed. “It’s, well, it’s a love-hate relationship. And to be completely honest, I hate it more than I love it most days. But when I love it, I really love it. And even when I hate it, I really do believe that software has the power to change the world. And I want to be a part of that change.”

Dan nodded, staring at the floor.

Phil moved even closer. “I know a lot of people go into CS for the wrong reasons,” he continued, even more gently. “It sounds cool or the starting salaries are so high or they want the power to reshape the world in their image. And then they get here and it turns out computer science is hard, and frustrating, and time consuming, and sometimes, it’s just not for them. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make them any less valuable to society or less intelligent.”

Dan stared even more intently at the floor, willing himself not to cry.

“Are you thinking of changing majors?” Phil asked.

“I don’t know,” Dan said, and his voice came out disturbingly watery. “What would I even change it too?”

“You can figure that out. It’s okay if you do. It’s not for everyone.”

“No, it’s not,” Dan said. He blinked and suddenly the tears that he had been trying to hold back rushed out. “It’s not,” he repeated, this time through a sob.

“Dan,” Phil said, reaching for him, then closing his fist on thin air. “I’m really sorry.”

“For the last time, Phil. Stop apologizing.”

“I just want you to be happy, Dan. I hate seeing you like this.”

“That must be really fucking hard for you, Phil. Want to tell me more?” Dan couldn’t help the bitter laugh that spilled from his throat.

Phil watched helplessly. “Computer science is hard, Dan. Especially if this is your first class. Computer science is frustrating and confusing and hard and no one’s code ever works right on the first try and if you’ve never had a breakdown over an assignment you either have incredible time management skills or you’ve only been doing CS for like a month or you’re a liar. And I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t suck, but you come out from it a better version of yourself each time. I’m the programmer I am today because of all of the times I’ve failed.”

Dan couldn’t help the waves of anger that rose up sharp and aching in his lungs. “That’s great, Phil, thanks. Thank you so much for being helpful. Really, it’s all going to be fine, because even though I’m fucking miserable, I’ll be a better person at the end of the day.”

“If you’re really that miserable you should drop,” Phil said.

Dan was silent.

“The drop deadline for CS 115 is in a week,” Phil said. “You have time to think about it.”

Dan nodded and wiped at his face.

“Can I help you with anything?” he asked desperately.

“I don’t think so,” Dan said.

They stood in silence for a few more moments before Dan left. “I don’t think we should talk anymore,” he said shakily, before walking out. Dan didn’t look back, and Phil didn’t follow. He went back to his dorm room, where he was finally able to cry again.

***

The actual moment was rather anticlimactic. The form was less than a page, and all he needed to do for it to be official was get his academic advisor to sign it, which wasn’t difficult, considering his grade in CS 115. Then he uploaded it as a PDF to his student portal and his major change was approved two days later.

Dan expected to feel better afterwards. Somehow, even though this had been sitting like a pit in his stomach for months, he just felt worse.

Without CS 115, his schedule felt weirdly empty. He had gaps in his schedule where he used to go to lecture (sometimes), study, work on the MP, and have mental breakdowns.

He left his dorm more often. He paid more attention in his other classes. He even made a few friends from his film class that he studied with sometimes. They even had time to hang out when they weren’t doing homework. One of the girls in the group probably had a crush on him. Dan supposed she was kind of cute. He didn’t know. He didn’t know much of anything lately, including what the fuck his sexuality was and whether or not he wanted to mess with some girl’s feelings in the process of finding out. And that was without even considering whatever the fuck had happened with Phil- if he was ready to move on from that relationship, if it could even be called that.

Dan filled his life with the things college was supposedly supposed to be about. He went to parties. He spent time with friends. He stayed up too late. He experimented with his look, leaving his hair in its natural, curly state instead of straightening it every morning. He wore clothes that weren’t baggy sweatshirts and jeans. He painted his nails. He even started wearing a tiny bit of makeup.

So why did he still feel so empty? It was probably natural after a breakup, or whatever you were supposed to call what had happened between him and Phil.

Dan had no reference for “normal.” He didn’t know what this was supposed to feel like, but he had a hunch that it wasn’t like this.

He stumbled through his days. He made an appointment with his school’s mental health center, but he wouldn’t be able to see a therapist for at least three weeks. Midterms were coming up, the woman on the phone explained, and they always filled up quickly around then. For now, all he could do was wait.

About two weeks later, he got a text from Phil.

You down for coffee today? I know you said you didn’t want to see me which I totally understand but I really miss you and I want to talk some things over.

Dan wasn’t sure how to respond. He wasn’t even sure if he did want to see Phil again.

idk i have a lot of homework

Phil replied almost instantly. You can bring your homework! I have some work to do too

Dan hesitated.

His phone dinged. We can be study buddies lol. It’ll be fun

Again. If you don’t want to come that’s fine. I just wanted to talk

Dan picked up his phone. sure, he typed, sending it before he could regret it.

Alright! 3:00?

sure, Dan sent again.

Perfect! See you then!

And then Dan had nothing to do but wait.

He regretted not asking Phil to meet up with him earlier than three. Now he was just going to spend the next two hours feeling incredibly anxious.

He tried to work on some homework, but he couldn’t focus. He could feel the same feelings he used to have for Phil bubbling up inside of him again, and he did his best to shove them down. Last time they spoke, Phil had said he wanted them to be friends. He had also had sex with him, so Dan felt Phil was sending a few mixed signals, but that wasn’t the point.

Dan wasn’t even sure what he hoped to gain out of a conversation with Phil. Closure, maybe? Some sort of reconciliation?

He certainly wasn’t hoping for a relationship. Was he? He wouldn’t have agreed to meet with Phil if he didn’t at least want to be friends. Probably.

He let himself imagine it. Just for a second.

He shut his laptop, grabbed his keys, and shoved his sneakers on. He needed a walk. He went through the process of leaving his dorm almost automatically, taking the back staircase instead of the elevator so he wouldn’t have to run into anyone else. Once outside, he shoved his hands in his pockets, doing his best to ignore the chill in the air.

He had put on his angstiest short playlist before he left, but when it ended about half an hour into the walk, Dan’s hands were too cold for him to even consider taking them out of his sweatshirt pockets for long enough to select a new playlist, so he just went back to his dorm, collapsing on his bed. He checked his phone. He still had an hour to go. He glanced longingly at his Xbox.

He probably had time for a quick game, he decided, reaching for his controller.

After just under fifty minutes of Skyrim, he felt much better. He rolled out of his bed, and after messing with his hair for a bit in the mirror, he put his thickest sweatshirt back on and left for The Daily Grind.

He spotted Phil almost immediately, staring at his laptop with two coffees sitting in front of him.

Dan approached.

Phil looked up. “I’ve got our drinks,” he said.

“That was fast,” Dan said.

Phil shrugged. “Maybe I got here ten minutes early to make sure you had your coffee when you got here. Who knows?”

“Thanks,” Dan said, sipping his coffee.

“Yeah, of course,” Phil said, and the way he said it made it sound so much like Dan had done him the favor that he almost believed him for a second.

They sat in silence for a while, before Dan spoke. “I submitted my major change form.”

Phil’s face lit up. “Dan, that’s great! What did you decide to change it to?”

“I was thinking something more arts-based. I’m taking a film class this semester and I really like it. I also really like the idea of creative writing. I don’t know.”

“Well, the good thing about most humanities majors is that it’s way easier to pick up a double major or a minor than in engineering. I actually really wanted to minor in English in undergrad, but I just didn’t have the time.”

“Wow,” Dan said. “How didn’t I know that?”

Phil shrugged. “I don’t talk about it a lot. Everyone has dreams that died, I guess. It’s impossible to fit them all into one life.”

“What if I don’t have any dreams?”

“You’ll figure it out,” Phil said with so much confidence that Dan almost believed him.

“I guess,” Dan said.

They were quiet for a few more minutes. “I dropped CS 115 too,” Dan said.

Phil looked up, his smile slowly growing. “I’m that shitty of a TA, huh?”

“I feel bad,” Dan confessed.

“I always felt bad whenever I dropped a class in undergrad,” Phil said. “I can’t imagine dropping out of an entire major.”

Dan focused on his coffee. “You said you liked being a TA because you liked to help students succeed.”

Phil paused. “I did,” he said. “And I do. It’s probably the most rewarding part of my job, and I’m going to miss it a lot after I graduate.”

“Even after watching people like me fail?” Dan asked.

“Dan,” Phil said. “No. You didn’t fail. You realized a subject wasn’t for you. That’s incredibly different.”

Dan shrugged. He didn’t really want to get into an argument with Phil, but he still felt like a failure, and he wasn’t sure anything could change that.

Phil sighed and changed the subject. “So how have things been going for you?”

Dan filled Phil in on the changes in his life, and Phil talked a bit about what had been going on in his. They avoided any difficult topics, choosing to stick with idle chitchat instead, but the pit in Dan’s stomach was growing.

There were some things he needed to ask. He gathered his courage. “Are you doing anything today?”

Phil looked slightly surprised, but he just shrugged. “Depends why you ask.”

“I’d like to hang out some more. If that’s okay.”

Phil blinked. “Hang out… why?”

Dan shrugged. “You’re really cool and I’d like to be friends with you.”

Phil looked disappointed. “That’s all?”

“Well.” Dan took a deep breath and looked at Phil’s eyes, studied their not-quite-familiar composition of blue and yellow and gold. “Maybe more. If you’d like.”

Phil reached across the table to take Dan’s hand. “I think I would.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a few more moments before Dan spoke. “You know, it’s getting cold out.”

Phil smiled. “It is. You still need that jacket?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Want to head to my place then? You can grab it there, and we can… hang out. Do whatever you want.”

Dan smiled. “Sure.”

Dan left Phil’s apartment the next morning. He forgot Phil’s jacket.

Oh well. He’d just have to come back.