#because I always considered myself the neurotypical supporter

[saiwestfield]

Guys like a month ago I dissociated for the first time in so many years and man

What an experience

Wow the fact that the human mind can just do that that’s kinda crazy

So cool (I was trembling)

[decolonize-the-everything]

Hey this might be a weird question but you seem to know a lot about the strategies TERFs use and what they're hiding, so I just wanted to ask and you don't have to answer.

Why do so many TERFs have this weird hostility towards bi and ace people? I don't think either of those identities have anything to do with being trans but I've seen so many TERFs who are also biphobic and/or aphobic. My gut instinct was that there was some large overlap between bi/ace people and trans people, but then I've found TERFs give shit to cis bis and aces so I'm not sure if it's that or some other reason. I'm not trans myself but I want to be able to recognize TERF rhetoric to be a better ally to trans people.

A couple reasons.

First one is that hating bis/aces is at the entrance of the TERF pipeline; they utilize this 'soft bigotry' to radicalize LGBTs and it usually looks like this:

To recruit queer ppl first they try to get us to stop considering aces as Oppressed. That's how it starts. They're aren't Doing anything so how can they be oppressed? They don't know what it's like to marginalized....how could they? They're just stealing the spotlight of Actually oppressed ppl

And once you accept that they turn to bisexuals. Who are only half gay, you know? And most of them date men anyway or end up marrying men so like? How the hell would they know what it's like to literally Live oppression 24/7? Do we we really want them to have a voice and speak for those of us that don't have an escape from our oppression?

This works because on the surface TERFS/Radfems appear to care about women and gender equality, which a lot of queer people obviously support. But they exploit those of us that don't know enough about feminism's intersectional (and very gay) history to identify them as bad actors.

From here the person they've targeted will either a- accept this and likewise will eventually also accept that trans oppression isnt real either (fulfilling the TERF's actual goal of recruitment) OR b- they'll realize they've been manipulated and try to deconstruct.

Secondly:

TERFs are white supremacist and their beliefs are founded white supremacist ideology and outdated scientific theories that Support white supremacist rhetoric.

It's called gender-essentialism which is a branch of bio-essentialism which is the belief that the biological body you have has inherent skills and abilities. Racists have used this to deny Black humanity just as TERFs use it to deny the existence of gender diversity.

But nobody is inherently weaker because of a uterus, nor are they bad drivers just because they have a uterus. All women are not good mothers just because they are women. Men are not all abusers just because they are men.

TERFs would have you swallow these beliefs; they're vital to maintaining the Core TERF Value that that trans people aren't Real and people with uteri are always helpless victims to be defended against evil men.

And as white supremacists their goal is to disrupt and destroy minority communities so that we are too divided to unify against legal attacks. TERFs do this from the inside out by putting bis/aces in a different category from the other queers while disguising their bigotry as feminist. They get us to voluntarily undermine and destroy our own movement this way by causing intercommunity "bi/ace discourse" that makes bis/aces out to be an enemy of "real" oppressed people (like transphobic lesbians for example)

Thirdly:

Lots of queer people are feminists which makes us easy targets and that's why they focus on the queer community. Additionally, the queer community has a history of being a threat to the white supremacist establishment so dividing us is vital to their goal of eventually wiping out anyone who isnt cis, straight, white, neurotypical, and able bodied

[eowynstwin]

A note on future chapters of both Neighbors and the upcoming Soap series:

so, uh, with my recent neurodivergence revelation and also becoming familiar with PDA, I've decided to put absolutely no pressure on myself at all and refuse by all means necessary to update consistently. I make zero promises as to when any chapters will happen, or honestly if I will even FINISH any given work.

Behind the scenes I've been beating myself up a lot because I can't seem to get Neighbors chapters out faster than every two months, and I have always wanted more from myself in terms of writing. However with the deluge of realizations I've made in the past 36 hours I've come to understand that wanting more has made more an obligation, and (considering I'm not getting paid for this) my brain literally cannot work with that.

It's more than accepting or emphasizing that fanfiction is primarily for myself and thus is not subject to the whims and wants of others; I am very comfortable disappointing you all in favor of my well-being. Advocating for myself has been a skill I've worked very hard to cultivate. However, tuning my own expectations for myself has been harder to practice. I have always wanted to be more productive, more consistent, and more organized. I have always wanted to feel like I could do exactly what I wanted myself to do.

I've recognized in the end that having these expectations at all has perhaps been detrimental to my creative growth. My brain is not a neurotypical brain. The things that motivate a neurotypical brain--goal-setting, external accountability and satisfaction--do not motivate mine. They cause me stress and shame and anger and disappointment, all directed inward.

I have spent many, many years hating myself for falling short of these expectations. I have believed that the only reason I cannot meet them is because I am actively choosing to be a disappointment, because I do not have the self control to do "better" and change myself. I know now that this is not the case. I am different. My needs are different. This is okay. It is okay for me to be this way.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY LMAO that you'll see me when you see me. I'll have stuff for you when I have it. I still want to write for my series, because I'm very happy about them and it gives me a lot of joy to see other people enjoy my work, but I will no longer bind myself in obligation to them.

There will be no schedule, and I will no longer apologize for gaps between updates. I'm vibing. I'm embracing happiness. And my sincerest wish is that everyone who has been with me since the beginning finds the courage and the freedom to do the same. Thank you all so much for your support, especially through one of the hardest years of my life. It has meant the world.

[cy-cyborg]

Hi! I'm trying to include autistic and/or ADHD characters in my stories but I'm afraid I'm not doing a good job. I'm neurotypical, so I fear I might find myself using stereotypes and that's not my intention. Do you have any tips? Thank you in advance, have a nice day!

Ok, so personally I have a lot of trouble coming up with advice for auDHD (autism + ADHD) because, well, the spectrum of experience is so large and there isn't a lot of consistency within the community in regards to what is considered good representation vs just stereotypes. There's a few outliers, like every one I know has agreed Sia's movie "Music" is offensively bad lol, but pretty much everything else I can think of is less clear cut. Generally though, if you want examples of media portrayals of autism done well, avoid anything from or connected to Autism Speaks. They are not a reliable source.

I only really have 3 suggestions:

decide what level of support your character needs. Support needs for autism are variable and they can fluctuate throughout a person's life, but typically, people will fit into one of 3 categories. In Australia it's Level 1, Level 2 and Level 3 with Level 1 is defined as generally being low-support needs, and level 3 being generally very high support needs. Of course, it's a spectrum, so there's massive amounts of variably person-to-person, but as an author, it can be a good idea to pick one of the levels, because you'll typically find more specific information about how autism will present.

Find content creators (as in multiple) with both Autism and ADHD. It's a good idea to listen to the community directly, but when you're writing an AuDHD character in particular, you do need to be aware that those autism and ADHD can play into one another or in some cases, can cancel some traits of each other out (kind of). But it'll be different from person to person. They are very distinct disabilities, but they have some unusual interactions it's vital to be aware of. Ideally, you'll also want to try find auDHD people in the same age range and who are the same gender as your character. Different generations and age groups will treat AuDHD differently, and while It's not a hard and fast thing, both autism and ADHD manifest differently in men and women because of how we are socialized and raised (this applies to trans and nonbinary people too, they'll typically take on traits associated with the gender they were usually raised as, but not always. Personally, I showed a mix of both, but my traits do align more with the typical presentation of AuDHD in girls). Just a little side note, not every person creating content about Autism/ADHD is open to working with authors. Find content creators, listen to them, but don't ask them about your character specifically unless they have stated somewhere that they're open to helping with that kind of thing.

Find sensitivity readers and sensitivity consultants for autism and ADHD. A sensitivity reader goes over your manuscript once the draft is done, but consultants help you from even earlier on in the process. If you're worried about not doing the community justice, this is the best way to go. People online like myself can offer generalized advice, but SR's and SC's will be able to go much more in-depth with you and help you fix moment-to-moment issues in your story.

Some additional things to be mindful of as well when looking up further resources:

Both Autism and ADHD can make it difficult to regulate tone and emotion. This means you are likely going to get information from the community at some point that might not be easy to hear and you're not going to like how its presented to you lol. They're going to be blunt and maybe even "rude". It's not personal (usually lol) but don't expect everyone to be polite, and don't only take criticism from those who are. Tone and emotional regulation is literally a part of both disabilities for a lot of us, and this is a topic a lot of us have strong feelings about to begin with.

I mentioned it already, but avoid taking advice from anything connected to or directly from Autism Speaks.

Social media tends to favor low-support-needs folks, so you'll find info about them, from them, much easier. Even if you're writing a LSN character, be mindful of that bias

Be wary of anyone claiming autism/ADHD is a superpower unironically. This is one of those things that's said by a lot of lower support needs folks and is often a warning sign that they might hold harmful beliefs about other parts of the community and could give you bad info. Just again, something to be aware of when researching.

[bargainbinsock]

I have a pretty controversial view about autistic masking

A lot of people talk about how terrible it is to mask as an autistic person. I'm sure it's true. I was criticized a lot as a child and at the time, nobody even thought to get me evaluated for autism. It was the 80s and I was lower middle class. In that environment, nobody thought in terms of a kid having ADHD or autism if they didn't fit in, especially if you were a girl. You were just "weird," or lacked self-discipline, or could succeed if you "really tried." That's just how it was. Having trouble with things was considered a matter of your character, not your brain function.

So people certainly criticized the things I did. People criticized me for constantly twirling my hair; for pronouncing words with a odd emphasis on certain syllables; for all the other little ways that I stood out from my peers that I can't even remember. I had a large vocabulary and used it, so I didn't talk in a "normal" way. I could only pay attention in class if I doodled all over my notes.

But I never really got good at pretending to be normal. I never really stopped stimming. I did learn how I was supposed to pronounce certain words so I didn't stand out as much. But mostly...I was just me, despite peoples' efforts to try to make me not be me. I couldn't make all the changes people always wanted me to make.

So when I see people complain about masking, I guess I feel a little bit..envious? Because that means they somehow achieved appearing normal better than I did, and they're probably reaping a bunch of benefits from it that I can't access to this day. I see them talk about having friends and partners and I don't have those things. And maybe I would if I had actually learned to mask more. To tell the truth, I probably only get by as much as I do because I'm pretty low support needs and my autistic symptoms aren't very prominent. My sensory issues are mild and mostly revolve around tactile stuff, which is mostly solved by dressing for comfort. I often doubt I'm autistic much of the time since on tests I take online I tend to score between the neurotypical range and the autistic range. So I see people talk about how the autistic spectrum isn't a spectrum between "more autistic" and "less autistic," and I feel like it doesn't apply to me because I do feel like I am genuinely less autistic than other autistic people in a lot of ways. I'm not saying this as a negative judgment, I'm just calling it like it is.

But I struggle massively with things that I don't see talked about as much. Maybe this isn't related to autism, I don't know, but I struggle a lot with trying to socialize. I know it's not all social anxiety thought of course that's a big part of it. But I have trouble understanding what people say because I can't filter out the background noise very well and my brain treats sound and speech as equal. Which apparently normal brains don't do? So I tent to fall silent in group settings because I can't participate. And the noise feels overwhelming and I want to participate but I can't make myself heard and it's hard to take turns in conversation, I get impatient waiting for my turn to speak (probably from ADHD) and I wind up either interrupting or never getting a chance to speak at all, and it's so frustrating that many common ways to socialize are just frustrating for me. And I never see any advice on how to deal with this anywhere. And I suffer a lot from social isolation as a result of it. And I don't see that talked about much either. I'm an introvert but I don't want to be alone all the time. I do a lot better in one-on-one conversations but it's hard to get to that point with a person; you seem to have to do all that group stuff first. But I don't see autistic people online talking about that kind of stuff so maybe this isn't an autism thing? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not trying to be something I'm not, I'm just trying to find some answers.

[soullessjack]

Ok I have question! It's a pretty common take in SPN fandom that Cas and Jack (& sometimes Sam) are autistic or autism-coded. Is that problematic because they are literally nonhuman characters? And I guess side questions - will nonhuman characters always come across as autism coded because of their innate otherness? How could the line be drawn between the two via characterization so that inhumanity and autism aren't mistakenly conflated?

Please feel free to ignore if this ask in no way brings you joy 🫶

hi!! this actually brings me So Much joy thank u for asking :D

it might depend on the person you ask, but for myself and a majority of the autistic community it’s not problematic at all! autistic people very commonly relate to nonhuman characters (aliens, robots, angels in trench coats, etc) in the same way queer people have historically related to horror monsters like Dracula and the Creature from the Black Lagoon (interestingly enough, many horror villains were actually intentionally queer coded due to the Hayes Code not allowing positive/supportive representation of most minorities)

I don’t think the defining characteristic of an autistic coded character is that they’re nonhuman, but that they’re often written with traits autistic people display — lack of social awareness, blunt communication, etc — or even with the same experiences as autistic people. for example, i related a lot to Zane from Ninjago and his struggle with a sense of humor (i do understand some jokes, but sometimes they just aren’t funny to me). after the reveal that he was actually a robot, it turned out that his lacked sense of humor was because of a literal “funny switch” built into him that had been turned off the whole time. of course I didn’t know I was autistic then, but it still l felt like my own brain was being shown to me onscreen.

there’s definitely a conversation to be had about the ableism that goes into some of these characters; after all, if they aren’t being made by autistic people or with autistic representation truly in mind, then they’re just associating autistic traits with robots and aliens and other things not of this world. it follows the same logic of Punching Up vs Punching Down. autistic people and disabled people overall struggle with the idea of being burdens to others, but it’s one thing for a person in that community to create art that expresses their feelings and experiences in possibly being a burden, vs a neurotypical abled person creating art that depicts disabled people as completely burdens.

****

this is a slight detour from the main road but:

from 2020-21 my mental health was at the lowest it had ever been for a Lot of reasons, but namely that I was struggling with school and just figuring out that I potentially had adhd and autism. I used to draw my persona with a lobotomy scar back then, including this as my one and only vent piece:

of course I knew the horror and medical abuse behind lobotomies (it’s been a very in-and-out interest for most of my life), and of course I knew that they were never a solution, and I never once intended to portray them as anything otherwise, but back then I wanted so badly to just be Fixed and Normal instead of being The Way I Was and struggling because of it that the concept of a lobotomy and the symbolism behind it became my way of coping for a short while.

(I doubt it matters but I have somewhat improved since then and my lobotomy scar is now just a zombie face stitch :P)

***

anyways, I don’t think nonhuman characters will always be considered autistic, nor should they be seen that way inherently, because not all of them are written with our traits or experiences in mind. Like: Omni-Man is an alien, but he isn’t autistic [coded]. He doesn’t show any specific traits for mannerisms; his storylines don’t have any similarities to autistic experiences. Nothing about his character could be interpreted as autistic. but if they’re written with the express traits and experiences of an autistic person, like Cas and Jack and Zane, then they’re free game to be considered representation.

There’s also some nuance to the idea that nonhuman autistic characters could make a conflation between actual autistic people and inhuman creatures, but look at queer people and horror monsters again. there’s elements of tragedy and forbidden love, of grappling with a Hidden Side Of Yourself and being a misunderstood monster in classic horror which resonated and continues to resonate highly with queer people. should we dissuade all that since bigots already conflate us with predatory monsters? or can we joke about how they see us, satirize it to hell like Rocky Horror? Is it truly ours to reclaim if we can’t make a few jabs ourselves?

representation doesn’t always have to be perfect or sanitized to be representative of us — especially if it’s being reclaimed by us. in fact, it often serves a better purpose to truly show what our lives and experiences are like, rather than something sanded down to the basic shape of us. it’s really simple; we as Weird, Othered people very often find odd comfort in the Weird and the Other. again, it’s not the general consensus, but I know that I feel the same way about autistic representation

That’s the only line I can see that makes sense to be drawn.

this ended up being longer than I thought it would but I had fun answering it! I hope it’s helpful :3 🫶

[hopeymchope]

I am INCREDIBLY disturbed by the amount of people I see championing the horrifying act of suicide that recently occured outside the Israeli embassy in Washington D.C.

There are people acting as though this should be celebrated and remembered, claiming it's a valuable "sacrifice." Like it's "heroic" — as if this guy (whom I will not be naming here) was standing in a war zone and shielding Palestinian children from IDF bullets or something. As if he was hurting ANYONE who is party to the atrocities he's protesting. Even much-depised suicide bombers accomplish more with their terrorism than this act ever will.

There is NO value in suicide. There is only mental illness, abject horror, and everlasting trauma. There is only the anguish and eternal torment of everyone who ever cared about you, everyone who bore witness to what you did. To celebrate and champion this? Is a selfish, malicious act — one that will cruelly damage many people who need love and support. One that could definitely encourage similar, senseless deaths.

In fact, that is ABSOLUTELY happening. Because of this I am literally seeing people on this very site who are openly considering suicide and openly being encouraged by others to do it. Which is sick shit.

But very, VERY importantly? It actively hurts the cause it claims to be drawing attention to. Because it makes the protesting side look insane and unhinged. With his horrifically awful act, this man brutally undermined the thing he claimed to care so much about. And beyond that? His act of protest did nothing but EXPAND and EXTEND the reach of the horrific violence he claimed to be against. The result is akin to watching someone "protest" what's being done to the children of Gaza by shooting a random baby in the fucking head on the streets of Albuquerque.

What do you think you did? What do you think you accomplished? You spread violence, you scarred everyone around you, you horrified and devastated everyone you know, and you made your side of the argument look awful. THAT'S your impact. THAT'S the attention and message you spread.

But then, that's what this level of depression and mental illness does to a person, isn't it? You lose sight of your own value, you are unable to comprehend what you're doing, and you ultimately do nothing but destroy yourself unless you can get the help you need/deserve. And that's pretty scary. I've been there before. I even had some of these urges before — to unalive myself "for a cause." But I'm SO glad I came out the other side of it. What a waste that would've been. What damage I would've done to everyone I know.

This is a horrible tragedy... and perhaps the saddest part of it is how little it will even matter. People will remember what's currently happening in Gaza for decades, maybe centuries to come. But this act? No one will remember this except, perhaps, as a piece of disturbing trivia. "Can you fucking believe this psycho?" THAT'S the only legacy of this that will ever, EVER matter outside of this poor man's family.

I wish I had some idea of what COULD make a difference in Gaza. It feels pretty helpless to be this far from where all that horror is unfolding on the Palestinians who live there.

If you love this act? If you think it's valuable and/or admirable? I am begging you to reassess your thought processes. If you claim you want to protect innocent lives? Remember that that doesn't just mean the lives that are abroad, and it doesn't just mean protecting the neurotypical. It means valuing and protecting the lives of yourself and those around you, too. Including neurodivergent people who're struggling.

Value lives by valuing your own. Fight violence by not committing violence. Combat horror by not spreading horror. Show love and care for others by caring about how your actions will impact everyone you know.

And if you feel like this kind of act is a good idea for you? There's help. There's ALWAYS other options. And there's ALWAYS a better way out — even if it may seem like there isn't.

I realize people sometimes think they have no other escape. But if you're willing to consider escaping by completely giving up on ever living, then you damn well have to consider every possible alternative first. Cutting off your family, running away, starting from absolute scratch; anything else is better.

[compassionatereminders]

Venting;

my bf refuses to let me say that i’m fucking sad bc i hardly have a social circle and i struggle to make friends. he always fucking rebuttals it with “well, you have me, you have [roommate friend], you have [friend], you have [lists people i don’t consider friends]” which is like fucking not the point! “quality over quantity” he says LIKE THE QUALITY ISNT MY WHOLE FUCKING POINT AND WHY I FEEL SO ALONE. i feel lonely! i can’t talk to anyone about hardly anything when it comes to my partner either because they’re all friends with each other. anytime i make a new acquaintance either my partner or my roommate become better friends with them than me.

i text and talk to people constantly to hang out and rarely get replies or invited back. these same people will spam my roommate with facetimes and hang out invites and my partner just tells me i have to “actually try” to make people treat me that way. Which feels like he’s insinuating i don’t fucking try? but when i say “hey, i feel that you’re suggesting that i don’t try— or that i’m having a pity party— when all i need is for you to be kind and empathize with my feelings, which you don’t have to do by saying i’m 100% right about i’m feeling!” then that’s immediately thrown back in my face. my partner says i’m just being “[my name]” about it, and it hurts.

most recently one of those people that i introduced my roommate too and then promptly lost as a friend despite trying to hang out with her numerous times was having a superbowl party. my bf was invited and my roommate was invited. i was not. when i expressed i was not invited, my bf argued that this friend actually HAD invited me, but i was zoned out at the time (during class!!!) and didn’t listen. i never received a text from her, i never received any more details from her, nothing. literally just my bf saying she’s invited me more than once, but NEVER DIRECTLY TO ME.

but apparently i’m fucking crazy to suggest that i didn’t feel genuinely invited and therefore didn’t want to go unless i was explicitly told by her she’d like me to be there! i texted her the night of and she said i “could come if i wanted to” but at the time of the super bowl she was out of the house with a friend. my partner and my roommate were both invited not just to her watch party but to other people’s watch parties. i was only “””invited””” to hers, and even then am i that fucking crazy for not feeling like it was a real invite?? when my whole problem is that my entire social circle is based around my bf and roommate no matter how i try to make my own friends and i don’t get invited to hang out unless i make the plan first?

it’s just so fucking upsetting that i’m this giant fucking loser and every time i get emotional about it my partner insinuates i have to stop “being [myself] about it” and “be proactive.” he’s neurotypical and i’m not and this often is a difference that’s hard for us to navigate when it comes to talking abt social shit.

but this is actually driving me so batshit upset right now and i’m venting to you because once again i literally have 0 friends that i can talk to that aren’t also friends with my boyfriend. i also do not have friends that are awesome about talking about emotions in depth, which is something that’s really important to me in a friendship. i can’t confide how i’m feeling with most of the people my bf would define for me as “friends” bc they’re not friends to me!

i can go to a friend and trust them with my baggage and change without worrying who it’s going to hurt or how they’re going to judge me for it. i can go to a friend with trivial shit and they’re still up in arms to support how i’m feeling, even if they’re also telling me i’m being irrational! i have friends in my home state (6 hours away from my college here) that are amazing at listening to me without judging me and still giving me reality checks. i don’t need or want a person who just says i’m right all the time, but i do need someone who can feel my feelings with me and actually talk about them if that makes any freaking sense.

it’s also hard bc i started college and went through some extremely traumatic experiences right off the bat which continued through my sophomore year. it led to a ton of bullying within my relatively small major. to the point that random girls came up to me at a party & asked if i was [my first & last name]” and when i said yes they laughed and walked away. to the point that i was in a group with a random girl from our major and she said “to be honest, i’m surprised how nice you are. i didn’t wanna say anything but i’ve heard a lot about you.” despite us having zero mutual friends!

i already dealt with a lot of mental health issues prior to all of this, which ended up fueling my severe social anxiety and a constant nagging fear that people already know who i am and hate me. i know it’s not true, and i’m working super hard on it. i’m a junior now and for the first time since college started i introduced myself to someone new and they’ve actually been a wonderful friend. i’ve started talking to people in class around me again. i’m trying so freaking hard to be normal again.

the tldr of it is i’m so lonely here and i’m so upset that i can’t express how i feel about social interaction and how much i miss the person i was (and i’m trying to be again) to my partner without feeling belittled. then i’m getting angry bc of the cycle and i hate being angry at him. then i try to explain what i’m trying to get out of these conversations and that i do understand not having friends is ultimately my fault, but i just wanna hear that its okay to mourn and feel weird about it all. i hate that i can’t talk to him. i hate that i don’t have my best friends here, or even close enough to see anymore. i feel like i’m a horrible person all of the time and i can’t stop fearing that i really am just a horrible bad person. i’m so stuck and yet i’m trying as hard as i can right now. i love him so much and hearing him basically say my feelings are wrong and i’m not trying hard enough hurts SO. FUCKING. BAD. but maybe i am being crazy or too stubborn, and i don’t even know.

and yes. i am therapy-shopping rn. but i just needed this off my chest bc i’ve been stewing in it for weeks and i’m so exhausted of blowing up and arguing over this dumb thing. i just need someone to hear me i guess.

thanks for reading this if you do. i really appreciate your blog & how safe it is for me. i feel less alone seeing your responses to asks/vents like this one. so thank you, truly.

No I'm with you on this one like yeah, there ARE ways to respectfully question your conclusions, but completely dismissing and invalidating your experiences and emotions is just not the way to do that. You have a right to your emotions, and even if some of your conclusions might not necessarily fit into their experience of the situation, you still have a right to your own experience, and you still deserve comfort and support from the people who are supposed to be your friends and partners. Like of course you're feeling lonely if no one is willing to take your struggles seriously enough to actually support you through them

[composeregg]

(Ableism warning)

To add to that community thing- I've been seeing people advocating to remove psychiatry as an institution wholesale and have "the community" provide diagnosis and treatment instead. All great in theory, the psychiatric field has a ton of problems- until you remember how "the community" treats people who talk to themselves on the street and gesture emphatically at nothing. "Those people shouldn't be let out in public," is the nice and polite version of what "the community" considers proper treatment of these individuals. At least a psychiatrist understands it's an illness and should be treated as such. The only thing separating me from those on the street arguing with their hallucinations is luck, and well trained medical intervention. The number of average people who hate those of us showing symptoms of psychosis, OCD, autism, and emotional disregulation etc. is much too high to trust our vulnerabilities to someone with no training.

(post) (bonus related post I also like)

Yeah, like!

I consider myself at least somewhat anti-psych. Because the institution is shit and I hate everything about how it is constructed. But the issue a lot, is strict categorization and the ways it makes abuse so easy. The ways being misdiagnosed can make your life hell. The way diagnosis is gatekept so intensely.

All accessibility tools should be available to everyone, and people should be free to find what makes their life easier. Like, in the informed-consent way. That's a side-tangent to all this but I just think that a lot of the structures of power cause harm and the way disorders are tied into one's ability to function while appearing neurotypical is bullshit. That's what I mean. It creates such a divide between people who "can" function and people who "can't" and doesn't allow for space in-between or for people to be complex.

But yeah. Like. No one's life should be left to the whims of a community whose good-will can run out, whose issues can isolate someone from that support group. That doesn't protect people.

Instead, it leads to issues like you mentioned. People who don't know how to help can make things worse, and many people's first instincts are "well why are you acting like that in public?"

Instead, because no community can ever be perfect, reliance on the community leads to discrimination, bigotry, and people being hurt and judged because a community will always end up with at least some people who are deemed "outside" that group.

We need systematic support that cannot be revoked.

[advice-go-for-it]

I feel so lonely in my family. I'm the only one in my family who's LGBT, my siblings got into college and I don't even plan to go, because of my anxiety, and my high school junior year starts in a couple of weeks! I feel like everyone in my family is better than me!

Not to mention my family makes me feel like the black sheep. I have autism, and whenever I say something I feel like they'll think I'm weird... because I am. I'm not a normal kid. I have trouble with seeing if someone's teasing me or not, loud sounds are horrible, I always need more help, and much more.

Everyone in my family seems to have it way easier than I do, and it isn't fair that I was born a freak! Why was I born the way I am?! No one else is autistic in my family, so why am I?

Science doesn’t know for sure why you were born that way. We do however know why the autism exists, and it’s because of your brain. Your brain is physically and mentally built differently than others.

Autism is considered a disability because of this, and because it can be difficult for autistic people to do things that neurotypical people can do easily. You aren’t a freak, you’re disabled. You deserve help and support, and to be taught about coping mechanisms.

Asking your family about therapy could really help. A therapist could help you work through this, and provide you with coping mechanisms and tools to help. And I’m always here if you’d like to ask more questions! As an autistic person myself, I know a lot about it.

Another blog I’ve found that has a lot of information on autism is @donniesexceptionalmind . Feel free to send them an ask to, and they might be able to help!

[lilflowerpot]

🎶🍯: Hi there! I’m not sure if this has been asked about before, but how does Galra society regard neurodivergence? Do you plan on having any of the characters in Little Blade be neurodivergent?

I've not spoken about neurodivergence in particular but I have spoken about mental health in the broader sense, and I think what I said then is still somewhat applicable.

So in imperial circles, mental health—and, in this case, neurodivergence—is almost entirely destigmatised. As with everything, there are always exceptions to the rule, but broadly speaking the galra don’t think of neurodivergence as a bad thing, it's just indicative of a different way of perceiving and interacting with the world; ultimately, as a collectivist culture, supporting fellow members of the community (irrespective of whether they're neurotypical or not) is a time-honoured duty that no true galra would so much as //consider// shirking, as by virtue of being galra, any given individual would be considered a beloved child of Sa, and there is an inherent and entirely unmatched value in that.

I'm not going to lie and claim that I specifically set out to write any of LB's characters as neurodivergent, because I didn't, just as I never specifically set out to write any of them as neurotypical—honestly, I was mostly focused on keeping their personalities true to canon, while still painting them with the depth and complexity that I felt said canon deprived them of. That being said, some years ago now I received an ask from someone who is autistic, and was very complimentary with regard to how I was going about exploring galra body language. At the time, I spoke about an autistic family member of mine, and how their manner of interacting with the world had probably bled into my understanding and interpretation of Keith’s character; now, in the near-four years since, it's quite funny to look back at that knowing,,, that I am, myself, almost certainly also autistic lmao ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[litterateur97]

Hey, this might sound of a stupid question but... You seem to know quite some things about neurodivergence individuals so I'll ask

Are there signs someone doesn't have autism?

Hello! I don't think this is a stupid question at all, it can be hard to tell the signs of someone being neurotypical vs. someone being neurodivergent. I myself did not learn that I was autistic until last year, so it can definitely be a hard thing to figure out. Also, not everyone has the same experience, so being allistic (not affected by autism) doesn't look the same in all allistic individuals just as being autistic doesn't look the same in all autistic individuals.

Now I cannot speak on behalf of an entire community, I am only speaking from my own personal experience and my own personal education. I did attend graduate school to study psychological counseling, but I will say autism was heavily overlooked in my program and most of what I have learned has come from other autistic individuals and from my experiences in therapy. Furthermore, I want to emphasize that I'll only be pointing out signs someone is not autistic and you cannot know for sure whether someone is or not without proper testing.

Alright now I'll start to actually answer your question, I'm sorry for the long introduction.

So autism occurs on a spectrum, meaning that sensory/motor skills, language, communication, social relatedness, and so on can all show up differently for those who belong on the spectrum. Likewise, being allistic is its own spectrum where sensory/motor skills, language, communication, social relatedness and so on can show up differently for those on that spectrum. Some might say allistic people display the "normal" functionings of those areas, but I'll just call them different, as I for one do not consider all the ways allistic individuals to behave to be normal.

For example, the way in which allistic individuals communicate is very confusing to me. Typically, the manner in which allistic individuals communicate tends to be more passive and indirect. It seems to be a belief in at least American society that speaking with passiveness is more polite, and allistics tend to follow that rule. They also add in a lot of subtext and assumptions in their communication. They tend to use social cues to guide the way they communicate. For example, person A asks, "How are you doing," and person B knows this as a social cue designed to be a greeting and open up a conversation and responds, "I'm doing well. Did you watch the game last night?"

While that may make sense to an allistic individual, that doesn't always make sense to autistic individuals. Using myself as an example, if someone were to ask me how I was doing I would directly respond with how I was doing, answering the question in totality, such as, "I'm doing alright, but I haven't been sleeping well lately so that has been bothering me." I know that the question "how are you doing" can be a social cue, but it is one that could have all kinds of subtext. Perhaps they are asking it as a literal question, or they could mean it as a greeting, or they could mean it as a way to ask me to hang out, or they could mean it as a way to check up on my mental health because they don't think I'm doing well, and so on. Because there are so many different possibilities, I stick to the most literal meaning to make communication easier for me.

Now just because I respond that way doesn't mean all autistic people do. Some autistic people are very good at masking and have learned to recognize social cues or have learned to mimic allistic individuals in conversation.

Therefore, what has come to be believed as the main difference between autistic and allistic people is the way they process information. Allistic individuals use top-down processing, meaning that they leap to an assumption and find evidence to support that assumption. Meanwhile, autistic individuals use bottom-up processing, meaning they take in all possible scenarios and develop a conclusion as evidence is provided to them. So typically autistic individuals take in a lot of information before they make any assumptions whereas allistic individuals make assumptions right away.

As my autism heavily affects my social relatedness and communication skills, I usually pay attention to how someone else communicates in order to tell if they are autistic or allistic. If they are someone who rushes to assumptions and uses a lot of indirect communication, I will guess that they are allistic. However, high masking autistic individuals may outwardly use neurotypical communication to better fit in while still using bottom-up processing, so you always have to ask further questions to know for sure.

Some other signs of someone being allistic could include

They do not have any texture based issues

They are not bothered by/overwhelmed by too much auditory and visual stimuli

They do not need routines/rituals to get through the day

They do not hyperfixate on things/obsess over special interests

They do not struggle with relating to others

But like I said before, everyone is different so the only way to tell for sure is through testing. I highly recommend taking the RAADS-R, although some of the questions are worded in a confusing manner to me, I do think that overall it gives a good idea of whether someone is autistic or not.

Thanks for asking your question and I hope this was at least somewhat helpful.

[average-tennis-ball-enthusiast]

recent happenings

tw: rant

so i just kinda realized something huge about what's been happening in my life. i was in a group at my school with 7 or 8 people, most of whom in the same grade as me. and throughout the latter part of 2021 through basically all of 2022, i was friends with them, and would do things with them. after i built up my trust with them, i would start hanging out with them outside school, and we all had a good time. now here's the thing: most of them are neurotypical. which meant, as an asexual nd cisgender guy, i never really got some of what they would do. but i would do my best to listen and to understand. everything was all good and dandy until around mid-to-late october. now granted, i was in a bit of a downward mental health spiral then, considering a handful of hard things happening then, but i would reach out to them and offer to take them places, and they would accept, right? i took a group of myself and 3 others to mcdonald's, and paid for everyone (which was about $23), and i didn't get much in return. i let it go because it was my treat. i took one of them to wendy's to get food because he was hungry before band practice, didn't get ANYTHING back. i also took him to walmart, stopping at dutch bros along the way, my treat. only paid for my drink because thankfully dutch bros is awesome and makes drinks for both people if only one can pay, and only makes them pay for the one drink. but at the same time, i was using my own car, my own gas, and my own money to do these things. i wanted to wait to tell the entire group that i was beginning to expect some form of compensation in return, but i felt like that time never came. i mentioned it to the same dude i took to walmart and wendy's and mcdonald's, and i'm like 98% sure that he told the rest of the group WITHOUT letting me know, and there it began. people would start picking at me, mostly those associated with the same guy i told, for a variety of things. first i'm venting without warning into the group chat (which is understandable, it can't always be dealt with), but meanwhile someone else is doing SCOT-FREE. then i'm told i can't make gay jokes around them (even though previously they appeared fine with it, and joked along with me). THEN i'm told i'm just being disrespectful, because i felt like i've just had to walk on eggshells around them because i didnt want to set them off again. then one of them had the absolute AUDACITY TO SAY THAT I DONT CARE. AFTER I ASKED THEM FOR SUPPORT, BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF LOSING THE OTHERS' TRUST. at that point, i lost my trust in 2 of those folks, and things appeared to carry on as normal with everything else. then, new years eve, the final straw for me. about 9pm that time, it was time for the bereal, where everyone would show what they were doing. 2 of them posted AT THE EXACT SAME HOUSE OF ONE OF MY OTHER FRIENDS, AND THEY WERE HANGING OUT WITH SEVERAL OTHERS IN THE GROUP, AND DID NOT TELL ME ANYTHING. i had always had a feeling since they first started picking on me that they were conspiring against me, someway somehow. that the final fucking straw. i just up and decided to leave the group a couple days later. i no longer trusted them. i had been complacent with their shitty behavior for far too long. there was nothing left for me to salvage out of it. now it's been a week since i left the group chat, and nobody has said anything. from the glimpses of them sitting together at lunch, they seem to be carrying on just fine without me. and frankly, i couldn't give a shit anymore. part of me still wants to remain optimistic that someone would own up and apologize or at least say something, but honestly i'm losing hope of that too. i pieced it all together, and i concluded that i have been manipulated, used, and made to believe i'm a bad friend. i've wanted to just lash out at them in anger for everything, but i won't, despite me wanting to so fucking bad. i want retribution for what i've had to go through. and now i'm in the process of trying to find another group, and i really don't want to trust people anymore. it's just too tiring.

[deepestuniversallove]

If you cannot accept that I cannot immediately answer messages, or that I sometimes disappear for weeks on end, we cannot really be friends. Because you got to understand, I have anxiety in social situations. I have AVOIDANT personality disorder. I AVOID people, it's in the name!! I am convinced that I am inherently worthless and that my presence is a hindrance to others,and this is why I don't reply so fast and end up ghosting people. I am afraid to hurt them, and then my absence causes that fear to come true, because they take my absence to mean that I hate them, when the opposite is true. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then when they lash out at me and say they don't wanna be friends any more, all it does is lead me to the conclusion that i was right. I am WORTHLESS and a BURDEN, or else I wouldn't have been dropped like a hot potato.

Fuck humans. Fuck human relationships. The only beings who love you without prejudice will always be animals - even the most vicious dogs seem to like me and not judge me. Wild Crows flock to me. Pigeons sit on my shoulder. Rats boggle when I hold them. At least they see me as worthy. At least they don't complain about feeling "attacked" because I chose to self-isolate for a while. While humans always do.

Too many people I considered friends end up dropping me, and you still tell me I am supposed to TRUST? To open myself up for another round of hurt that will come FOR SURE? Fuck that. I'd rather be alone, and kill the last side of me that still yearns for connection with others of my species. No one cares about me, so why should I give a damn? And yet I want to love, and I want to care, and I DO. Even if it seems like I don't because I am gone for a while, I DO. I just have this expectation that even if we are apart for a while, we can still take it up where we left off, you know? I have the expectation that you won't take it as a personal attack when I don't answer for a while. I expect that you won't take my absence as hatred. In my eyes it is love - I spare you having to deal with a burden like me for a while.

The neurotypical people won't understand this at all. And the social media and being connected online 24/7 has made so many people think that you now have to ALWAYS be available. But I can't. I just can't, my personality disorder doesn't allow for that. Leave me alone, I need to be alone, having to reply immediately or you will explode in rage will make me upset.

Or maybe all I find are abusers and people who wanted to use me for my goodwill. I sent them presents. I drew them pictures, taking time i don't have out of the busy day. And what do I get in the end??

"EWW, you are too old for me, you are creepy. You are unhealthily obsessed with fictional characters!"

- YES, maybe I am, but you know WHY? BECAUSE THEY DON'T BREAK MY HEART AND STOMP IT TO THE GROUND. They are the only safe haven for someone who fails at social interactions. And they will STAY the only safe haven for as long as I get rejected over and over again. As long as I keep losing friends, they will be the only constant I have. Can you really blame me for that? All humans have to have SOMETHING to rely on in their core. And the fictional characters, as sad or unhealthy as it may be, are that thing for me. So don't go around and blame me for it or call me cringe. I would have died at age 11 if they weren't there, for I would have had NOTHING. But of course, people who have a loving family, or a normal upbringing can never understand this. They have a support system to rely on, a net to fall into. I only have a bottomless abyss with no net beneath me. If I fall, I'll die.

And you don't understand the agelessness of it all. My body may be 33, but my mind is stuck at a younger age, perpetually. I don't have a clue on how to navigate social relationships. I don't know how adults can do it. No one showed me and thus I never learned. My narcissist mother only taught me that this is a "shark eat shark"-world and I am just a small fish. Even if I have one PhD or a million, that doesn't teach you anything about relationships either. Intellectual pursuits may not make up for the emotional black hole in me. I understand why I do what I do, intellectually, but I am unable to DO something to change it.

"Then just stop being avoidant and get out there!"

- I can't. I want to,but I can't bear even the CHANCE of being rejected again. Of opening myself up only to be discarded like so much trash. Even 10+ years long relationships aren't safe, that is what I experienced. You go through so much together, sacrifice so much of yourself, only to be told "Hahaha, you are so pathetic, to think I have ever loved you." How often can this happen to you before you are entirely jaded? How many times before you say "fuck this shit, I'm out, I won't play a game i cannot win" ??

If you don't want to be my friend any more because you outgrew me, all the more power to you. Congrats, you get to be a neurotypical normie. And maybe it is good you left me behind, the perpetual burden. Go on and thrive and don't look back at me!!

But for me, all I got is myself. And the question:

Who will leave me next?

And

Is just surviving on my own really enough to live?

[scenefox2003]

No, Camila is not a good mother. And here’s why.

Yes, this sounds like a very harsh statement, but hear me out. Camila, on the surface, seems like a decent and loving mother, especially when compared to say, the Blights, who are much more obviously and stereotypically terrible. But from the very beginning she displays some VERY toxic and harmful behaviors towards her daughter Luz. Her sort of parenting, even though she has good intentions, can do some horrifying and long lasting damage to the mental health and self esteem of a child. How do I know? My mother was exactly like Camila. And like Luz, I still loved her. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t do some serious harm. And those same things are happening to Luz right now.

First up, let’s state the obvious. Luz is neurodivergent. This isn’t even just coding, either. Dana Terrace has outright stated this is her intention. And like many neurodivergent kids and teens, she often gets in trouble in school without realizing why. The things she does are still bad, of course, and she still needs to face the consequences of her actions and learn why they’re not okay. The first two things she does (going a bit too far in the school play and doing that freaky eye thing at cheer tryouts) aren’t even that bad, but her bringing spiders, snakes, and fireworks to school are obviously huge issues. Those last three are obviously cartoonishly crazy acts that have been played up by the writers for humor and to get the idea across, but even if we take this all at face value Camila’s handling of the situation is STILL HORRIBLE. Notice what she criticizes here. Not the fact that her daughter brought dangerous animals and explosives to school, but her love of fantasy. Yes, they’re related, but Luz’s love of fantasy can still exist without her breaking school rules. Not only that, but taking Luz’s neurodivergency into account here, The Good Witch Azura and other fantasy tales are clearly a special interest or hyperfixation of hers. Her love of Azura goes much farther than that of a normal neurotypical fangirl, she uses this character to help navigate through her life. She chooses to stay on the boiling aisles because Eda and King remind her of characters from the book. She chooses to take the risk and try to befriend her rival, Amity, because that’s what Azura did. Even in season two, when she’s talking about her future, she states Eda and Azura as her role models. Not to infantilize Luz (trust me, that’s the last thing I want to do) but this level of connection to a fictional character is unusual for a fourteen year old who just really likes something. Luz clearly uses this character as guidance in a world she doesn’t understand (which funny enough, is both the boiling aisles and earth) and what does Camila do?

She forces her to LITERALLY throw it away. Right before she has to go to a scary and uncomfortable place for THREE MONTHS, that SHE FORCED HER TO GO TO. That’s the time when Luz would need that special interest the most. It isn’t just a book she loves. It’s a coping mechanism, a genuinely harmless and positive part of her life, that she is shamed for. Being shamed for an interest or hyperfixation is such a terrible feeling I can’t even begin to describe it. But if you’re neurodivergent, you know what I’m talking about. What makes it even worse is that Luz literally cannot control what she loves. She can’t just find a new hobby, not that she should even have to, because when you have a special interest or hyperfixation, that thing becomes such a huge part of your life. And most of the time, it’s such an amazing and wonderful thing. And for Luz, it clearly is. Azura LITERALLY LED HER TO FORMING THE STRONGEST RELATIONSHIPS IN HER LIFE, with Eda, King, and Amity. That’s huge, considering Luz clearly has a lot of trouble forming friendships back in the human world. Luz’s love of fantasy is not a problem. Her “weirdness” is not a problem. But that’s what Camila sends her to camp for. To change her interests, her personality, not her actions. That, and for something even worse.

This line hurts my soul. I don’t even have to explain why this is an awful thing for a mother to say to her daughter, it speaks for itself. But I’m gonna explain anyway. Luz doesn’t have any friends. But that’s clearly not her fault. Just look at what happens when she goes to the boiling aisles and FINALLY meets like minded people. She makes tons of friends without changing at all, because Luz is a genuinely good person with a great personality. She’s kind, excitable, and always eager to help others. This is INCLUDED with her “weirdness”, and often directly related to it. Luz is not the only weird person that exists, even in the human world. I had pretty much no close friends as a kid, then I switched to a school full of open minded (and many queer and neurodivergent) people, and now I have TONS of friends who are just like me, who like the same things, that I didn’t have to change myself at all for. This is how real healthy friendships work. And the sad thing is, Luz wouldn’t even HAVE to go to the boiling aisles for this to happen! If Camila really wanted Luz to make friends, all she would have to do is send her to some sort of fantasy or roleplaying camp full of people like her who share her interests. But instead of blaming the judgy bullies for why Luz doesn’t have any friends, she blames Luz for just. Being herself and liking some unconventional stuff. This is so, SO disgusting and harmful. It can lead to so many problems, destroy yourself esteem, and ironically enough it makes it HARDER TO MAKE FRIENDS. Forcing yourself to be someone else to make someone you’re not really compatible with like you just doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried. This is LITERALLY HAPPENING TO LUZ RIGHT NOW. IN THE MOST RECENT EPISODE SHE NEARLY RUINED HER CHANCE WITH AMITY BECAUSE PEOPLE HAD MADE HER FEEL WEIRD ABOUT HER INTERESTS AND PERSONALITY IN THE PAST. That’s why I’m making this post, even though I’ve thought this for a long time. The damage the human world has done to Luz is starting to show. Even after all these months of being loved for being herself and proudly being an advocate for being weird, that instinct is still there. And it lasts. For years. I’m eighteen years old, I’ve been in a supportive environment for six years now, and my parents have been fully supportive of me and my interests and quirks for two. But that instinct doesn’t go away. The deep rooted shame whenever you do something harmless that’s outside the norm, something you were directly told not to by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally doesn’t go away. And Camila, the only person Luz truly cares about, perpetuated that. And that’s truly awful. I get it. Parents aren’t always perfect. But this is beyond imperfect. It reminds me of a line from Gwendolyn in Keeping Up A-fear-ances. “Your curse is a part of you, and I love every part of you.” Camila clearly loves Luz, but she doesn’t love every part of Luz. And in order to truly love someone, you must fully love them, quirks and all. I hope we get to see Camila learn this before the show ends, but most of all I hope that the show openly states that her parenting is awful. It could save so many kids from so many years of pain and an inferiority complex.

[hardpacker]

alive in it

i’m burnt out.

it's not new, i've felt this but i haven't really known it. so now i have the knowledge to accept that it’s here, sapping me. it's an autistic thing. it’s a trans thing, a PTSD thing, an autoimmune thing, a work thing, a poverty thing, a pandemic thing. these things will go on because there is no support. (assistance, as it stands, comes with ever more surveillance.) the pandemic, and the pandemic as a perfect excuse for governments to rain new or continued fire on us, is taking a huge toll on everyone i care about. emotionally and physically. for others who live radically differently from me, it has smoothed over into inconvenience. and watching that from the sidelines comes with grieving too.

i always think about what my friend Jules said, that we all talk a lot about how to prevent disability ("do this, not that") but not about being presently disabled. if under capitalism we're just trying to shift how its rules affect us here and there, we can't actually work healthily-- and there is absolutely no way for a disabled person to work healthily. so we fade from view. and what then?

this is the first year where i have to really consider whether or not i can keep going.

it feels awful to say that! as though i'm throwing it in the face of everyone who has ever been (much too) kind to me. that kindness spurs me. who doesn't want affirmation, warmth, to be recognised and welcomed? i am grateful in a way where i have basically no idea how to contain it or return it in kind, it's so huge to me. i'm at a loss for words, at least creative ones. i wish i could spend more time on it. it's sometimes too much and i have to come back later. i wish i could do better and the goal is that i will.

and of course to me, it's not a question: "yes! Forever, yes! i love this! i need this!" but my body and my circumstances, specifically how my circumstances don't allow for more or faster work currently, forces me to question it. the way my work is treated, and myself as the person making it, and where i put it, and how "present" i must be--

i mean, why the fuck did i go back to work immediately following an emotionally devastating legal battle? it doesn’t feel good or victorious. it's not a new lease on life, it’s just buying time. why, in a pandemic, am i so worried about keeping up a palatable public appearance? (other than that my income relies on it?) i take a long time to talk and i have a lot to say. historically, people don’t care to hear it, so i try to read the room every time to know exactly how much to say and in what way, and even if i try to do exactly how all the real people do, there is some gross intangible quality to me that taints it and implies permission to pick it apart in bad faith or dismiss it entirely. i know it's not the fault of one thing, and it's the result of many elements coming together neatly. but i know that because i have to.

being trans and being autistic are pretty similar to each other in that regard-- you can always count on supposed allies to use one part of you to justify the other’s eradication, or, in polite conversation, their utter disinterest in your point of view or needs. because there's something too fucking weird about you! can't quite put our finger on it, but you're just kind of a little bit gross? (There are papers about the neurotypical reaction to neurodivergent people, if you want to read about it.) sorry. Love what you do for us but you are too exceptional. no one feels the way you do and it’s not enough that you feel it.

it's exhausting. it’s much easier to be quiet than risk it all. literally.

with my work being veritable outsider art, i’ve always cared much more about entertaining myself and having company. i don’t want to be lonely in it, and i care about that more than the impractical idea of making a fat stack off of comics. in this economy??

this isn’t a guilt-tripping “wah, i wish people engaged with me more.” honestly, what is engagement, anyway? “interaction.” to me this isn’t about numbers. this isn’t about clout. it isn’t about x number of y rewards. it doesn’t matter how many people, or where. it’s about watching myself sink. it’s about being treated fairly. ultimately, i think i am food. i think this because i’ve been told it. i’ve been told i’m some sort of stepping stone. that this is what being “brave” is, and people take it and run with it. i think i am a blank slate for common use. bad or good, i've only given enough to be misconstrued. if i have been brave, that’s not what’s being seen here.

these feelings are substantiated all the more when i see similar behaviour (or lack thereof) repeated in how people approach trans artists (just casting the widest net here, obvs it changes per other factors!) considering how trans people are constantly pulled apart and rewritten by the public, this should bother people much more. whether it’s our lives that are taken, our bodies and relationships examined, our housing and medical and job access litigated and limited, our histories renamed, our work uncredited, it should be unacceptable. and given that we’re spoken about with genocidal sentiment, the shit i’m concerned about really shouldn’t be the biggest concern.

but you want proof, evidence you understand, you want me to make you see things which you are, even with best intentions, fundamentally opposed to seeing. the burden is on me to be righteous and sweet in response to petty, punitive games when something far worse looms. it’s all connected, anyway. and nothing is ever good enough-- if you don't even believe i could be abused, or have/ought to have autonomy, that i could be sick or suffer (and that there is no speedy cure the way there might be for you,) that i could be the gender/s i am because of xyz... that i can or can’t be attracted to so and so... that i don’t deserve to live... that i don’t deserve to complain... what can i make you see, really? and why should i try?

i’m the type of person who naturally enjoys learning about the context for the work and stories i see/read, and i presume other people do, too. i don't like having that taken from me. i don't like feeling as though i can't talk about myself honestly, seriously and/or with levity. i worry my own interests aren’t interesting to my friends and that this is perceived as a negative quality rather than a neutral one. if i act out of line i will lose my entire income in a moment. no care, no questions.

i am proven over and over that i am worth as much as i work, that my worth is derived only from what viewers find in my work, and, naturally, they find themselves-- they don't find me there with them, nor do they want me in there with them. people say don’t interact if, and they list things about me. yet they feel exceedingly comfortable entering MY space without seeking or wanting me in it. it's strange. because i reference myself and my experiences repeatedly. i reference my body. hair, scars, big bazongas, fantasies and realities. how do i make something like that more literal than just depicting it? i reference photos of myself in an effort to love what's there. with the physical comes too the intangible framing. through presentation my work can end up divorced from the experience or labour of making it, it does feel good to know i am alive in it.

i used to think that if all the confronting and unsettling work by weirdos were to disappear, that people would look around and miss what it brought. but now i’m not actually sure if that’s true.

“representation” isn’t just being done FOR trans viewers. the trans shit that you find, that shit that really shakes and builds foundations, is BY (or at the very least was touched by) trans people. many kinds. all kinds. (who of us then is it okay to kill?)

we all come into ourselves through different means, but i think many will agree it can be a real gift to find this stuff. for me it was an early internet, sequestered but borderless. for many now, it’s mainstream media properties or platformed independent work (whatever independent means in regard to having safety nets.) but i wish that what we have now, and what we have when we look back on earlier expressions of trans/queerness, was treated with more care, more slowly. i wish the humanity of the person mattered more. i, personally, whether i like or dislike something, have a hard time extracting the person from it. they are an encapsulation of a time, conditions, qualities.

what is important art? who decides? can it just be important that i feel joy? yes, with so much suffering, large and small, it is important that i feel joy. and i derive joy from stupid bullshit and from articulating, in literal metaphors, many types of despair.

rage. vengeance. hopelessness. selfishness. terrible mistakes that hang in the air and all you can do is swallow and try again. psycho meltdowns and lashing out with displaced grief because the grief is too big, wanting it to become a hammer or a spear, something to break it. the dread and the quiet, out of body compulsions that come in the dark bathroom mirror. a violent hunger when you're denied food for being too fat, when you're asked if you can just be pretty, can you just try. wanting to become smaller and smaller to feel powerful when bigger and bigger is reviled. bigger deserves mercy killing, it's only right. fear from having your body pried apart, vivisected. wanting obsessively, tearfully to have the rage and agony fucked out of you. a thing, a monster, a "girl", a boy, a shadow. when you don't want to die-- or you do, but wish you didn't have to. the way that stubbornness sticks like useless knife. and what being property does to a person. but hey, if your aggressor thinks you're someone else, maybe then it's okay, maybe then what they do isn't really happening to you :) maybe it doesn't count. maybe you can tell yourself that enough times.

emotions and expressions that other people may find challenging, that they’ll tell you to suppress. and equally suppressed, the methods with which you regain yourself. the art i make rejects that faux-concerned suppression and it will evolve as i learn more about myself. it's important that i have a place to speak. especially a place that isn't dependent on the exact most precise words for hundreds, or thousands, or millions, or any amount of hypothetical eyes and itchy fingers.

i've always felt like art-- or at least my art, or at least, some of my art-- shouldn't be fueled by spite because spite, the emotional space and energy of it, is a resource that can be depleted. i don’t only want to make art through a single set of conditions and if i only source the one thing, i can easily find myself spent.

but sometimes i am so angry at the way art is consumed + simultaneously scrutinised with conspiratorial fervour for any potential of hidden moral failings while very real violence, at a state or corporate or even industry level, is dismissed. i hate that i was advocating for the safety of myself/my family in an unmasked courtroom in an unmasked courthouse while being painted as insane or vengeful by an active abuser-- an abuser who, legally, must know my home address.

I hate that for court i have to carefully pick which clothes might make me most empathetic from various angles. For the doctor, I have to look like I give a damn, and I guess by fretting over it, I do. If I'm going to share photos of myself, whichsometimes I do to remember I am not so far away, I better find the right lighting conditions to suspend disbelief. Don't be too fat or (after ~9 years HRT) too "in transition"-y. For court, which tone or pitch is most like a victim? Or the better question: is my natural way of speaking too stupid or mean? Which tone commands the appropriate respect? Well, I probably won't notice in time anyway.

I hate that I have to be referred to by some other name because I can't trust anyone-- certainly not the government-- to safely use the one I call myself, and I hate that I care about my name at all as a source of self-affirmation.

I hate that i need a perfect, but not too aggressively confident, memory of my own mistreatment. I hate that there's no burial site for memories of home, no ceremony i can trust to put them to rest. The present eats and dissolves the past. There is no time. (And there it is again: eating. Devouring. Gobbling it up. What an ugly and uncouth thing to do! Unless your body nourishes another.)

In the car to and from court, i find myself wondering if my art will ever play a part in this case, or a future case, and wonder if the people posting my work on hate sites will somehow play a part in this case, and wonder who, of the people currently enjoying my art, will turn on me and either recreate or align themselves with this traumatising system.

i hate that art is called "important" when it's so clearly not: it's a commodity that as a practise/purpose is devalued. it’s a Thing. it’s Candy. there is little to no education on how to receive or create it. i don’t just mean higher education. culturally, in western society, we don't prioritise the historical and modern education necessary to value art or to value workers broadly. things arrive to us ready-made and then we own them. the people who make art, even or especially people doing so-called "important" work, are treated like shit. by their bosses, by the industry, by the audience.

and so, holding out hope that the work/impact might outlast your own brief life is a magical comfort, and how tightly it's held is entirely relative to you & your community’s bleak conditions while living. maybe i will matter when i’m dead. but how is that possible if my work lasts for all of the 30 seconds that someone looks at it? how can i matter when i’m dead if some of those viewers would rather me dead now? i think about how my work might be used, or forgotten, and i don’t even have enough money to be deadnamed on my headstone.

it's like i'm crafting heavens when i think that, maybe, while i might languish and die unknown, my dirtbag pervert transsexual JPGs might outlast me. maybe someone will trace it in their notebook or something and when the automatic action is done maybe they'll try to remember what it ever meant. the trans boy fagdyke butch daddy watersports (or w/e) might not imprint on their memory-- but if they find themselves "fooled" into enjoying it, i hope they’ll have the decency not to blame me for their gift of knowledge. pleasure and comfort is not my sin.

lol: i’m thinking about what Mr. Wheatus (of the band Wheatus) said on the pod. that people are usually agonisingly aware of their own insecurities and shortcomings, and when an artist is able to point to them in a sloppy, human/humanising way, through the gauzy or challenging space of art, people love it. doing something perfectly isn't what matters, because perfect isn't relatable. some people hate seeing something close to them and some people hate seeing something far away. but i’m sick of being clean and tiptoeing around my own humanity in case someone finds it disappointing or disgusting. in real life i have no choice but to live in this body, or occupy it, and be disgusting the entire time. so if that's true then i'm sick of allowing myself to be flat and nothing for ease.

and if i am nothing: okay then! that’s exactly what i’ll give.