#because i don't want them to feel like i'm imposing myself and my strangeness on them. and i don't want to give them the same media issues

[petrichorvoices]

we finally caught up on WTNV

[enniewritesathing]

Hi, hello, it's been... [checks calendar] ...a long time! 🫣👋

This year, I made a little goal for myself to get back into making pose sets. I dropped off the planet because of Things and I'm working on myself to get better. (that's a goal everyone should strive for but remember, progress looks different and not clear cut.) Anyway, enough about that, let's talk about this.

I wanted to get something out in time for Valentine's Day and I thought "wtf do I want to do this year?" and turns out it's pin-ups -- and I've made my self imposed deadline by a LOT. I've actually had this idea for years but I never followed up on it for some strange reason -- probably bc it was above my skill level at the time. That and it gives me an excuse to have my sims in the bare minimum. Guys can be a little slutty, as a treat. 😉

How many poses?

27! They are split into 2 files -- furniture and no furniture.

What do you need?

Any Bed

Lounge Chair

Dining Chair (Captain Rodrigo chair)

Sofa/Couch (medium height)*

Notes:

For the sofa poses, there's 2 of them that will clip if you use a higher backed one, the arms will clip through; the lower backed ones will have them floating. I used the Plush Luxe sofa from the Desert Luxe kit, but there's plenty of other medium height sofas to choose from.

As far as clipping is concerned, I don't really anticipate it aside from one pose (the booty grab pose on the bed), but every sim body is different so if that's the case, you're welcome to adjust it.

And yes! They can serve as nudes too.😏

🔥Preview Post🔥

As usual, feel free to ask me questions, tag #enniewritesathing or @ me! I’d love to see your sims! Don’t forget to like/reblog and check out my other poses!

TOU: Have some common sense and decency. I implore you.

🌟DL (No Ads Ever, Always Free!)🌟

[Simfileshare] // [MediaFire]

Thank you, @ts4-poses, @alwaysfreecc, @lightsleepertrait

[layla4567]

I'm just a librarian ✿ pt5

Steven Grant/Marc Spector x Fem!reader

Summary: You begin to discover things about Marc/Steven's past as your adventure begins.

Warnings: murder mention, death mention, persecution, swearing, sexual tension(?,

A/N: the next part will be the final, sorry!

Part 4

The next morning I woke up with the horrible feeling of having only slept two hours. What's worse, I had had a horrible nightmare where some men came into my house and someone mentioned something about a giant talking dove… anyway. I slowly sat up in bed rubbing my eyes and watching the morning light coming through my window. I stretched my arms like a cat, stretching and got up, yawning, dragging my feet towards my kitchen.

"I had the craziest dream of my life.."- I said to myself even with my eyes closed.

"It wasn't a dream"

I gasped and jumped on the spot, waking up. To one side Marc was resting on my couch, he was still shirtless and covered with a blanket. He rested his elbow on the cushions and looked at me seriously.

"For God sake, Marc!! Jesus!, you scared me. I didn't remember you were here"

Marc continued seriously and stood up slowly putting on his shirt. As best I could, I went to prepare breakfast for both of them. I needed a good cup of caffeine. While I prepared pancakes Marc sat in the chair inspecting his wound. The bandage was still in place and the cut was no longer bleeding. I finished breakfast and served it on the table.

"Thanks..."- Marc murmured, surprised.

"No problem, I'm used to having breakfast alone but I thought you would be hungry too"- I said confused by his reaction.

"No, it's not that, it's just that… I haven't had pancakes in years…"

I almost choked on the pancake I put in my mouth and looked at it with my mouth full and big eyes.

"In years?! So what have you been eating??"

"What I found in Steven's refrigerator, or leftovers…"

"That sucks, I don't know how you're still alive."

He laughed softly and I smiled, satisfied that I was able to get a smile out of him, again.

"Let's say that in matters of survival I excel quite well"

"Oh well, since you're bringing it up, I want to know exactly what you do."- I said, clasping my hands and leaning under my chin.

"Are you sure? It's not a very nice story."

"You owe me"- I said pointing at him with a finger

He looked around remembering last night's disaster and nodded. He told how he used to travel the world killing people, he was a mercenary, he worked for people and he had to obey, that's what they paid him for. One day someone hired him to rescue an important statuette in Egypt, but during the expedition a member of the team betrayed him and fatally wounded him. Failing, he took refuge in a pyramid, he felt his strength abandon him when an imposing figure with the head of a bird spoke to him with a voice from beyond the grave. He said his name was Khonsu, the Egyptian god of the moon. The cunning god saved his life in exchange for him becoming his avatar, that is, his faithful knight.

"Or his slave, depending on how you want to see it"- he muttered angrily

"What happened after that?"

He sighed with reluctance. And he related that now he called himself "Moon Knight" and served Khonsu. Unfortunately, the man who treacherously escaped with the statuette, Marc suspected that he was a follower of Arthur Harrow. Obviously Steven knew nothing about this, that's why sometimes he woke up in a place he didn't know, because Khonsu ordered Marc to go to those places.

"Holy shit..."

I stared at him weighing the information. Now you felt the pieces fit together, his fighting skills, the people chasing him, even that strange figure I saw running across the rooftops.

"So.. a mercenary.."

"Go ahead, say it, I know you have a bad impression of me right now"-Marc felt how you felt aberration for his work.

"I wasn't going to say anything, I was just thinking that everything makes sense now"

He looked at me confused so I told him everything I had been noticing in him since he first appeared, at least as Marc and not Steven.

"And I thought I was being subtle, you don't know how hard it is to imitate Steven's accent"

Marc began to awkwardly imitate his counterpart's British accent and it made me genuinely laugh. Suddenly he frowned and rested his hand on the back of my hand that was resting on the table.

"I know that what I'm about to ask of you will border on the height of disrespect, but I need you to come with me.."

Before I could say anything he continued speaking quickly.

"I'm serious. It's important that you don't stay here because now they know where to find you and they won't hesitate to extract information from you by force"

A small wave of panic made my blood freeze, I didn't want to imagine what those men could do to me if they entered my house again. But I didn't want to leave so suddenly either. Marc sensed my fear and explained

"You may have to move to another place for a few days until this is all over. If you come with me we will settle in Cairo in a small house with all the comforts, you will only have to worry about the intense heat of the sun"-He tried to smile

Cairo… suddenly superimposed images came to my mind. Pyramids, sand, camels, dunes… everything I had read in the library books came to my mind like a whirlwind. Egypt was known not only for its pyramids and all the culture that came with it but also for its high temperatures and sand storms.

"I understand that this is all confusing and sudden but I need you to-"

"I will"

Marc was surprised by your quick and confident response. I looked into his eyes with determination, trying not to regret my decision, even so, I knew it was the right thing to do. Stay would have been a suicide plan

"But I still need to know things about you, such as where you lived before, your father or mother, etc"

Marc's face tightened when he heard the word mother and a look of disgust crossed his forehead. His mother was the last thing he wanted to talk about.

"Fine I promise, but not now. You must pack your bags, we leave in an hour"

I got up from the table and Marc imitated me, nervously I went to my room and grabbed all the clothes I could find, I particularly chose cool and light clothes that would help me withstand the heat of Egypt. When I was almost finishing the suitcase, I looked for an object in the drawer of my nightstand, a small ring that I inherited from my mother before she died. I rubbed it lovingly, polishing it gently, and put it in a pocket of my suitcase. When I finished, I looked moved at my room and touched with my fingers the photo frames that hung on the walls, all my photos of me, my friends or family. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Was I really about to leave all that behind? I shook my head to clear those thoughts and went to the kitchen where Marc was already ready.

"Let's go, the faster we get there the better, a jeep will be waiting for us outside."

Marc was about to leave when he suddenly remembered something and took two caps out of his backpack.

"Maybe this will help hide our identities just in case. And it also protects us from the sun"

With a sigh I took Marc's hand and we left my apartment. At no point did Marc let go of my hand, I didn't know if it was because he didn't want me to get lost or because of something else. When we arrived at the place the jeep was not there, it had a slight delay and we had to wait for it. Marc seemed impatient and from time to time he took quick glances towards the sky or what seemed to be the roof of a house.

"What are you looking at?"-I said looking at him

"Nothing, it doesn't matter.."

But Marc avoided eye contact with me and continued to look up, and not only that but he also made faces of annoyance by frowning and pursing his lips or making small angry pouts as if he wanted to shut someone up. I couldn't contain myself anymore and I turned around to where he was looking but I didn't find anything. I started to think he had gone crazy until I remembered the whole story about that Khonsu bird.

"Ohh I got it, It's the lunar god you told me about"

He nodded with a grunt and looked away.

"And what's he saying now?"

The middle-aged man didn't want to answer and instead returned to see Khonsu, increasingly angry.

"He says something about me?"

"He's getting involved in what doesn't matter to him."

I was going to say something else but he exclaimed again irritated.

"And he should learn to keep quiet!"

People passing by looked at us confused and worried about Marc's mental health. I smiled nervously, placing a hand on his shoulder and looking at the people out of the corner of my eye.

"Ok ok! easy man..I see you two have a lot to talk about"

"Anyway, I hope the jeep doesn't take long to arrive. I already want to get out of here."

I have never agreed more with him. We both stood a little away from the people waiting for time to fly. With my arms crossed I fixed my gaze on any point and my mind began to wander, I remembered everything I had experienced so far, Steven's arrival, his strange behavior, the thieves and then Marc's confession. All of that had happened in a matter of hours or days. They were the busiest and most chaotic weeks of my life, maybe my boss was right and I should take a break, although these were not the vacations I imagined. Suddenly a shake on my arm brought me back to reality, I looked at Marc intrigued and I could see the fear on his face.

"We have to run now"

"What? But why? What's wrong M-"

Marc didn't let me finish speaking because he grabbed my chin and turned it towards where he was looking. When I turned my head I saw four guys pointing in our direction. After exchanging a few words they began to approach at a safe pace towards where we were. A chill ran down my spine and for a second I was frozen in place.

"Come on, run!"-He said pulling my arm.

But I couldn't move and I felt stupid for that, but the shock was so great that it had paralyzed my body. Although I wanted to move because I was aware of the danger, I couldn't. The four men, noticing Marc's urgency in wanting to leave, began to advance faster. Marc grabbed my wrist firmly and with an accurate push he managed to get me moving.

"NOW!"

All that was missing was that little push necessary for my feet to start flying. I was running so fast that I couldn't feel the ground beneath me, I even seemed to be running faster than Marc. The pursuers ran after us pushing people who fell to the ground screaming or moved away offended. We avoided food stalls, street vendors but the other men threw everything in their path without caring. Although they were far from us, they ran very fast and it was difficult for us to keep them away because I was starting to get tired, Marc was dragging me and I couldn't keep up with him well. Suddenly Marc turned a corner and we hid in a narrow alley, in the brick wall there was a hole that two people could easily enter if they squeezed together. He put a finger on my mouth to silence me and dragged me to the gap in the wall. Obviously it was very narrow and it was difficult for both of us to fit in. I had to put my head against Marc's chest and I could hear his unbridled heartbeat reverberating in his chest like a drum. The four men who were still running stopped in front of the alley, inspecting it with their eyes. My pulse accelerated and I got closer to Marc's body as if it were a protective shield, he gasped softly and closed his eyes tightly. The men said something and separated, looking elsewhere, two to the left and the other two to the right. I felt my soul return to my body, I tried to take a deep breath and moved a little further away from Marc, or at least as much as could be possible in that narrow hiding place. Her heart was still beating fast and I wasn't sure if it was because of the proximity or because of the men who were chasing us. I raised my head to see him and his eyes shone abnormally and… his cheeks seemed slightly pink, but I guess it was from the effort of running so much.

"I-I think they've already left, we should leave"

"Yeah.."-he gasped

We slowly left the hiding place although we had to use force to leave the narrow gap and I almost fell on top of Marc if it weren't for him holding me by the shoulders. We walked until we left the alley and after looking everywhere and seeing that our pursuers were not close we began to jog. But the calm didn't last long because the four of them met again, it seemed like they had emerged from the sewers and chased us like dogs again. I was already exhausted and I felt my legs burning from the effort, when I felt that my thighs were going to tremble and I was going to fall to my knees on the ground, a honk made us turn our heads. The jeep had arrived and its driver, Marc's friend, was waving at us with his arm and shouting loudly for us to get on, but we were practically surrounded so Marc decided to quickly climb a staircase of a building that led to a balcony while the confused men It took them a few seconds to react before coming up with us. When we got to the balcony the jeep was right below us on the street.

"Are you ready?"

"For what?!"-I exclaimed scared

"For jump!!"

Marc held me by the waist and practically pushed me down as he fell with me. My scream was so strident that it could practically have been heard all the way to China. With horror I saw how the ground was getting closer to my eyes, I felt like my life was passing in front of my eyes. I closed my eyes and covered my face with my arms while I whimpered in fear, expecting the worst. But thank heavens we fell into the seats of the jeep while the driver started the vehicle that skidded and smoked the tires while we left the four guys behind cursing and showing the middle finger. At breakneck speed we were able to escape safely, although it was a stretch because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"Are you ok?"-He asked me worried

I was about to answer him in a bad way but I stopped myself because everything that was happening wasn't his fault, but honestly it was beyond me.

"I've been better.."-I said sharply and breathlessly.

We settled into the seats trying to catch our breath and gather our thoughts. Marc better have a plan to emerge triumphant from all this shit because otherwise I don't know how we could face Harrow and his sect of lunatics, we hadn't started our search and I was already feeling fed up. To calm things down, Marc's friendly friend started a chat.

"Hi!, you must be Y/n, Marc told me that I would have to pick him up and a pretty girl for Cairo, although he never told me that you were so beautiful."-he said winking

In another context, that type of "compliment" would have made me sick, but I was too exhausted to think about it, and Marc's friend didn't seem depraved, well after all, if he was his friend, he had to be a good guy. Even so, Marc covered his face, embarrassed and wanting to kill him, a laugh left my mouth without thinking about it.

"By the way I'm Leo, at your service"

I nodded with an amused smile while Marc looked in another direction trying to suppress the embarrassment he felt right now. I looked at him to see if he would turn his face or say something but since that didn't happen I decided to tease him a bit.

"So you told Leo that a pretty girl was waiting with you, was that girl me?"-I said, biting my lip, I inferred into a smile.

Marc shivered a little uncomfortably and shifted nervously in his seat but still didn't look at me.

"And what else did you say about me?"-I said with a honeyed and innocent voice.

Leo looking at Marc from the rearview mirror was holding back his laughter but it was obvious that he couldn't, he saw it and frowned.

"Oh come on!"-Marc said looking at me angrily and then looked away again.

Now Leo and I burst out laughing, it was a relief to laugh despite the difficulties. That seemed to calm the atmosphere because then the three of us seemed more relaxed. When I realized we were no longer in the city but traveling along the empty road. In the sky the sun was slowly descending through the horizon, dyeing the sky and the clouds orange and pink. I stood admiring the colorful landscape while counting the hours to reach Cairo. Suddenly the dream overcame me and my heavy eyelids began to droop until I closed my eyes. My head hung downwards and the soft rattle of the jeep shook my body. Unintentionally, all my weight swung to one side and I fell on top of Marc with my head resting on his shoulder. He seemed to be startled because he turned his head quickly looking at me confused and uncomfortable, but he didn't have the courage to push me aside so after a few minutes, sleep knocked him out too and he fell asleep with his head on mine. Leo saw us both from the mirror and smiled to himself.

"These lovebirds will end up in love"

As the jeep traveled down the long road, a tall, imposing figure with a bird's skull watched from a distance, crouching as the vehicle drove away. Guñendo stood up and placed his cane on the ground with a sharp thump that would have made the earth shake.

"That girl will give us problems, I hope you know what you're doing…Marc"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

tag: @corpsebridenightamare @perfectprofessorloverapricot

I know I owe you a big apology for taking so long to continue this series and another apology because the next part will be the final one. But I've lost a little interest in this story and if it weren't for the fact that I respect that several of you like this series I would have canceled it a long time ago.

[szampers]

very nice to see an active szpd-focused blog that is not...for lack of a better term...Edgy. many schizoid blogs i've come across really play up the whole "void" aesthetic+while i'm sure it's true+meaningful for them, i don't relate to it+am not interested in the theatrics of it at all. you're doing good work by creating a space dedicated to exploring+discussing szpd+related concepts without the pervasive nihilistic trappings that have turned me off from most others. i want to discuss living with szpd, not surrendering to it! salute o7

(feel free not to answer this publicly/at all if it comes off as needlessly dismissive to that genre of blog. i can't tell if i'm being "mean," and i can't not mention it, because not mentioning it would entirely miss what i appreciate so much about this blog)

Hi I'll use this ask as an opportunity to tell a bit more about this blog and other stuff !!

I run this blog partly for the sake of others. Anything I share here is not only done as a way to voice my thoughts, but also in hopes that someone would find something they can relate to, or even comfort as i have after discovering there are people dealing with Very Similar Situations which i know as The Szpd. for the longest time i never had any points of comparison for myself while knowing the average person likely wouldn’t impose total isolation and a chronic vow of silence on themselves among other average person things. It was a state of knowing something was off but never being able to put a finger on what exactly. I felt szpd was already as hidden as it is so I figured someone has to try and keep the awareness going. This way I'm also putting all these thoughts to good use.

Your ask pretty much validates the reason why I created this blog!! thank you it means a lot to read this.

And whether someone chooses to focus more negatively or positively on szpd, they’re all valid! Since szpd isn’t known for its pretty sides as with all other pd’s and conditions, that does make it very easy to be fixated on the nasty parts, especially if all it does is making your life miserable. if this has brought me any kind of joy then I wouldn't notice. I'd say the main danger is the risk of being consumed by the misery and getting trapped in a vicious circle.

But yeah. it would be very, very strange if you were to think positively of things like this. I suppose it's one way to tell if you're somehow faking it. The realistic thing to do is to come to good terms with it. Hard, but possible enough.

I have seen another post calling out the focus mainly placed on negativity which I've yet to reblog. They phrased it really well in a blunt way, it's arguably one of the most motivating szpd post I've read. Being trapped in narrow sighted ways of thinking isn't something I want even though nothing about this is easy. This is why I consciously try not to let my writing become full blown complaints or be saturated with pain and misery, while it's very easy to indulge myself into such things. I keep in mind to make my writing productive in some way or another. I'm pretty awful at this in my own journal but it works much better if people could be reading!! being held accountable this way which is pretty cool.

[ultfreakme]

Hi.....Do you mind if I ask you some random thing? I used to love shounen and shoujo manga equally....But ever since I found BL manga 3 years ago, my interest in shoujosei (especially het romance) decrese a lot, and what I search for is just the dynamic between mc (male) and male lead...I don't want to read mc (female) and male lead or mc (male) and female lead...And what I want to read mostly are just mlm or wlw stories....

What do you think is happening to me? Is it really weird?

I don't mind at all go ahead with random asks(as long as it's not about my personal life or anything I'm chill most of the time)!!

I remember this happening to me when I was a wee lass about 607 years ago when I discovered BL/GL not straight content. I just fully stopped consuming shojo and josei. I don't think it's weird, I've seen a lot of people say that they exclusively read and watch BL stuff. Nothing strange is happening to you(I remember feeling like that as a kid), it might be a shift in the perspective of storytelling. Or, lbr, the hot boys are being hot and the cute boys are being cute without any misogyny being shoved in our faces all the time so it's fun.

From my experience, I think I made the switch because I found a lot of BLs to be way less toxic solely because there wasn't a female character to impose dumb misogynistic hetero-conforming stereotypes on. I think about 70% of the shojo manga I read was very toxic and I read them when I was in middle school and high school with no ability to parse that what's right in fiction isn't good in real life. Shojo mangas were fun because I used to like romance, and a lot of the stories were about normal or 'ugly' girls finding their perfect prince charming bad boy, becoming beautiful and living happily ever after.

It was wish fulfillment, self-insert a lot of the time, and I wanted what the MC female characters had because apprently getting a hot boyfriend and getting pretty was the key to happiness. Except....as I grew up I realized the perfect love interest guys are actually all weird af. Shojo mangas often reinforce a lot of heterosexual ideas. Like a boy being mean to a girl is romantic interest, losing your virginity is a big special thing, that you just have to dress prettier and wear makeup and have a glo-up otherwise your life will remain shit(oh you glasses-wearing HEATHEN lmaooo). Something in my brain went, "this is what i want? this strange song and dance of tolerating bad behaviour and changing myself entirely is what I should do?". The happy ending was also always a wedding, pregnancy and having two kids(which fucking terrified me). And so, shojo and josei fully lost their appeal.

BL and GL though......there is no self-insert, there is no heterosexual gendered biases coming into play. The couples are made to stand on equal footing without anyone going "you're a girl so I'll protect you" or "you're a guy so I'll take care of you and cook for you" or whatever. I'm not a guy, so all my irl issues are FULLY detached and irrelevant in BL stories. Also I discovered around the same time I was bisexual/pansexual/some fucking queer thing. And around this time, BL webtoons were so different with their plots like I got romance + fantasy settings or sci-fi settings or crime dramas etc. I haven't read many GL, Tamen De Gushi and The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn't a Guy At All are the more prominent ones I remember, I think for GL i usually consume western media so I can't say much on GL manga.

I just, got tired of seeing heterosexual romance because in josei and shojo, those dialogues and ideas that define their relationship often actively dismissed queer relationships and as a baby queer, that didn't sit right with me. "We're a guy and a girl who hang out a lot, so we have to be romantically interested" or "I'm just girl, I can't help but like being in the arms of a guy" or "She's a girl, and she's tiny and I like holding her" blah blah BLAH.

BL ALSO does this but at least someone in-story would go "actually no fuck you my looks don't mean anything" even if it's once or twice and ultimately it at least looks like a choice that they fall into certain 'roles'. And in the GL media I saw, this doesn't even come up as a thing to discuss. Society isn't forcing them to be anything, in fact their parents and friend circles are weirded out about it at times.

I actually stopped reading BLs now too tbh. I like action/adventure and fighting plots so the romance genre doesn't give me much. I don't know your specific reason for switching to mainly BL and GL, but I gotta say, it's hard to find the really good stuff in shojo/josei sometimes and the kind of romances they have are kind of formulaic if that's the focus of the story. There are a bunch shojo/josei I still remember fondly; NANA, Princess Jellyfish, Kaleido Star, SKIP! Beat, Akatsuki No Yona etc. I'm sure there are a bunch of shojo and josei that are probably really good and explores the idea of being a girl or a woman or femme-aligned in a modern setting well, but I think the irl setting no fantasy days of het romance are over for me.

I'd just like to repeat that enjoying BL and GL and not reading shojo or josei isn't weird. The differentiation of BL or LGBTQIA+ romances and straight romances make less sense to me day after day because shojo mangas and Shonen Ai or Shojo Ai are the exact same genre at the end of the day; romance. You like romance. The configuration of the couple doesn't mean too much because despite the baggage that comes with a queer romance it's still a love story.

[stoptellinglieslois]

Principal of pleasure part 24

Bruce is persistently calling Dick cell, Dick panics and suspect Bruce knows about them.

Superman x Nightwing pairing

Dick

"Clark it's ringing again what do I do."

"Hang on don't pick it up yet wait maybe he will stop."

"He's not gonna stop Kal this is B we are talking about."

"Do you think he knows something."

"I never had any reason to let him think I was doing anything off kilter."

"Put him on speaker."

"What why?"

"Because I want to know if he suspect something."

"But I told you no he does not know anything."

"But I'm telling you I wanna be sure ok."

"No not ok."

"Just do it."

"No."

"Please little bird don't fight with me ok we are going against the bat here I want us to think not argue."

"Ok ok fine you win but don't breath don't talk I'll put us on speaker."

I was looking at Kal I was panicking I need a minute before I picked up to answer B.

"Fuck what if he knows."

"Pick it up little bird." Kal said calmly we are sitting on the bed now and I breathed in and out to collect my thoughts, Ready myself to speak to him but it was hard what was I going to say, I told him weeks ago that I wanted to cancel the dinner party that he planed out of the blue for me and Babs and I haven't told him why I didn't even tell Kal I cancel it we haven't talk really in depth.

I answered and put Bruce on speaker the deep voice came clear on the other line.

"You're calling me none stop what's up." I said as Kal reached over and held my hand.

"Dick I haven't heard from you in a while since you cancelled the dinner party. I wanted to know if you are ok you've been distant from me." Kal looks at me startled but he stayed calm none the less.

"No I just feel like we don't need to fuss right now that's all." I fidget I wanted nothing but to end the call but I knew Bruce better.

"I didn't think you would be so quick to cancel at breakfast you've seemed ok with it I just don't want to feel like I'm imposing myself on you." Bruce said his voice carried a hint of curiosity that filled the space of the cabin.

"It's fine really me and Babs are ok." I replied trying to think of an exit the call the mention of Clark's name got my attention instantly.

"Sorry what."

"I said I think I ruined things with Clark." Bruce answered sounding a bit sad and annoyed. "I don't think I ever told you but I have feelings for Clark and at breakfast I made a move on him it didn't go well." Kal squeezed my hand and we were not expecting this confession at all, I wasn't even thinking he would go there I mean why was he going there right now.

But I couldn't stay silent for long it wasn't good I had to say anything except sounding like an angry lover. "Wow B I never knew you had those feelings for him." I didn't want to venture at all with this topic but Bruce continued.

"He said he was married and we are still friends can you believe he said that after I showed what all but god for years and years of working by his side, And to be thrown away at this type of rejection I don't know what to do I was so caught up in the moment look Dick I never had feelings for another human being before like I do for Clark." I was shock I needed to end this now Kal looked at me in the eyes as I try to look down as Bruce confess his feelings.

"Clark is married to Lois." I whispered recollecting my thoughts as Bruce was putting us on the spot.

"I feel like there is something else that's going on with him like he is hiding something." Bruce said the whole snooping thing was back on in full swing.

"Leave it alone Bruce if anything it could be something personal then he probably does not want you digging in his affairs." I said Kal looking at me lovingly what are we going to do with each other I could see we can't really be around Bruce right now.

"How are you and Barbara things are ok you two are getting along with each other." Bruce changed the subject quickly and I thought that was strange.

"Me and her are good B like I said no fuss."

"Maybe we could have dinner then the whole family then will make it just a family affair, Then how about in the evening tommorrow around seven." I looked at Kal he stared back at me and I knew my hook up at the cabin had to come to a close.

"Ok just family then."

"Let me call Clark to see if he wants to come."

"I thought it was only family."

"Dick he is family." I went silent for a few moments and stared at Kal for a few seconds. "Yeah sure that would be great." This was becoming a tangled mess.

"See you then." And the call ended. "God Bruce knows something." Kal said the expression was thoughtful. "I thought you said he does not suspect a thing." I said to him getting up and getting dress.

"Where are you going you won't leave me in the middle of nowhere again like last time. You have no car you're stuck with me here." I sighed I shouldn't have been so quick to jump out of bed and find the next exit Kal wasn't trying to leap out of a window then I shouldn't either.

I sat back down on the bed with no bottoms on I had my hoodie I unzipped it and threw it on the floor.

"I feel like Bruce wants to prob but he does not know where to start."

"Damian I don't think he told Bruce but he warned me he told me stuff, Not about Bruce but the affair how it would ruin me that Bruce would ruin me and maybe he knows his father is in love with you Kal." I looked over at him he laid down next me and looked up at the ceiling.

And then that's when Kal's cell rang.

End of part 24 next is part 25

Thank you for reading

[thousandbuns]

Can I just self-indulgently scream about Khonsu, an OC that nobody but me cares about again? Because I'm having both The Thoughts, and The Need (to share them).

So, tonight's Thoughts on Sad Evil Wizard are about layers of trauma and putting them into words. Because Su, much like ogres and human tissues, has layers - their trauma from participating in the casting of Rubric alone is a multifaceted little jewel of pain, loss, betrayal, anger, longing and guilt that I could run my mouth about for hours on end. There's the pain of failing to meet both the self-imposed goals and the (stated, implied or even self-assumed) expectations of what passed for both your family and a broader social group. There's the bitter anger over the lost promise of greatness. The unrelenting sorrow and fear that you may have never had what it took to get there. You're lashing out at others for misjudging you, mistreating you, crippling you. You're lashing out at yourself for your weakness, your shortcomings. Was it just a human mistake, a cruel twist of fate, or a carefully planned deception? What cost you your arm, your brothers, your dignity? What does your strange in-between state say of you, that you were simply unlucky? That you were too weak? Did you ever stand a chance, or were you just deluded?

But there's more, and not all of it can be named. Sometimes you know the right word, but you refuse to apply it to yourself. Sometimes you're left in the dark, yet still feel that nameless emotion, raw and bold, so clearly there. Sometimes it's just there, it doesn't even stand out anymore - but if you were to learn its name and shape, you'd find it without much effort, like the hard bone under your skin. All the fragmented memories, the dreams you've never described to anyone, the feelings you tried to ignore. A wave of warmth when you looked at your dear friend. The strange, shifting mix of joy and revulsion you felt when staring at your body in the mirror. The quiet happiness of simply being accepted and cherished by your little in-group. The instinctive wariness you feel, and the invisible divide you sense when interacting with anyone else.

Sometimes you look in the magic mirror and see all that you could have been, for better and worse. Sometimes you remember a friend you didn't say "goodbye" to before it was too late. Sometimes you reminisce on the evening when you overheard the lament of an old woman cursing your Legion for being "child-killers" and praying that "the ends better justify the means". And sometimes you don't. There's nothing to remember, to point to in particular - yet it's there, as intangible as the air you breathe. It shaped you early on, and then followed you all your life.

And I'd kind of know how it feels. It took me years to learn the words I could use to describe myself and my problems, I still hesitate to apply some of them to me and there are entire layers that I've yet to reach or try to go through, because the pain is too fresh or too hard to bear in my current situation. And at least with a fictional character you get a degree of separation - they don't exist. They are like you in some ways, or they reflect parts of you, but aren't you. Their tragedies, no matter how extensive and horrifying, didn't happen. It's all a complex thought experiment that's supposed to be wrapped up in layers of prose to make it easier to pick apart and gradually understand.

The pacing and structure of this post is probably off, by the way, but I'm not doing a thorough deep delve into Su, anyway - like I said, that'd take literal hours and walls of text - and I don't want to dwell on personal details. Let's just say that I'm most likely undiagnosed neurodivergent, queer, badly burnt out "gifted child" and vet medicine dropout/biology grad.

I feel that just saying this handful of words will probably explain a lot about the Wizard I project so hard onto.

[sgkjd]

what really hurts, now that it's been a few years since i realized i'm autistic and since i've been deepening and widening my understanding of myself and what works for me all over again basically from scratch - i see my parents and other family members from older generations not being aware of their neurodivergencies at all, and so having these toxic internalized immovable and unchangeable (mostly social) rules of "how it should be": imposing them on themselves and draining themselves out, as well as imposing them on everyone around and often hurting people they love; not knowing what's the cause of their anger, how to manage it and still continuing to perpetuate such behaviors.

what's interesting is that if i ask every single one of them why are they still doing it if it's not what they believe to be right/their truth and if it causes emotional pain to others - they can give me an in depth analysis of how it's really just a norm and an etiquette, and how it really doesn't mean anything to them but they just have to do it and push through it since it's what they were taught and it's accepted to do so in our society unless they want to seem rude and mean. it's like they know it's stupid, but there's no, and even cannot be, way out of this.

this comes both with very destructive beliefs such as being transphobic, homophobic and ableist (the paradox here lol) but also with more simple things like having these unnecessary social behaviors or, in other words, having adopted and learnt the neurotypical way of communicating and so policing themselves and others into talking/behaving this and this way only.

personally, i'm not a person for who saying hellos and goodbyes comes naturally. and i never do it unless i make it a conscious effort (with people i see for the first time, for example) because in comfortable settings i just completely forget about it since it doesn't mean anything and simply don't have any substance to me nor are useful as a means of communication. hence i don't waste my energy on them when i don't have to.

however, this one middle-aged person from my rather close family everyday goes out of their way to distinctly say hi and bye whenever they come in contact with me. and for the longest time it made me so anxious and unnecessary tense to feel like i have to reciprocate them by doing the same. it was stressful to the point where i knew i'll be seeing them and i kept anxiously waiting trying to not forget to say hi. it was bothering me so much that recently i explained my relationship with hellos and goodbyes to said person and asked them to not feel upset or feel like i'm angry at them whenever i don't respond back with a hello to their hello. they said "i just think it's polite to do so, it's what i've been taught when i was a kid. i do feel like it's mean to not reciprocate with a hello back to me. but i guess i'll keep in mind what you said." they seemed to clearly imply how they know these words don't mean much but they are doing it since "it's how people are supposed to communicate" and at the same time they expect everyone else to do so and it's bad bad if other people don't do it.

there's nothing to conclude here. while i took an example that's on a lighter side, it's a strange feeling to keep on realizing how as a kid i was neglected and hurt the most by none other than autistic and/or adhd people (excluding other conditions that make them neurodivergent) - namely my parents and grandparents, the people closest to me while growing up.

[butterflydm]

Aviendha is 5'9" and born in 980, Elayne is 5'7" and born in 981. Per the WoT Companion. For completion's sake, Rand is 6'6" and born in 978 & Min is 5'5", 975. And with respect to YOUR polycule, Mat is 5'11" (Tuon is <5' and born in 981 along with Egwene, Faile, Bain & Chiad, Rochaid and Charel & Marel, Theodrin's block-breaking twin crushes; it was a busy year for midwives in Randland)

While I appreciate the hard numbers, "a head shorter" is actually much easier for me to visualize lol. Rand being almost a foot taller than Elayne -- definitely easier to kiss her if she's sitting on his lap, lol (I guess the same is true for Min). But now I'm visualizing Rand & Tuon, the biggest of the height differences, and I didn't particularly want THAT thought in my head lol oh no.

Wow, 981 really was a busy year!

I'm going to go ahead and put all your comments in the same post to make it easier to respond and not clog up my dash for other people. I'm glad you're enjoying my reread!

Bear in mind, Elayne tends to hyperbole and doesn't know most of the details. Min told Aviendha & Birgitte, but it's a palace, and Elayne is the only royal present. The first servant who hears them ordering a prenatal diet breakfast for Elayne means everyone else in the place is going to hear about it real quick. But I am always down for some Min slagging, so don't let me stop you.

I mean, it's tough to say, because Min conveniently doesn't remember any of it. But Elayne's entire pregnancy storyline is just written so strangely by Jordan that I feel like he should have just... not done it.

"Elayne hasn’t forgotten or dismissed what matters. SHE hasn’t abandoned her duty to chase after some romantic interest. She has neither faltered nor strayed. She is doing her duty even when it breaks her heart and I respect her so much for it." Aren't you, like, AWARE, that this is totally why Elayne is the worst & she and Rand don't have a REAL relationship, they only had sex the one time, Min is SO much better for him because she puts him 1st! Or so I have been informed multiple times.

lol, I feel like this is definitely how some people approach it! Because Elayne isn't willing to throw everything else away for Rand, then she can't really care about him.

"Min’s viewings are a plot coupon and I don’t blame Elayne for trying to cash it in." YES!!!! And she GETS the limitations! All the Elayne h8ers were like "prophecies & fortunes & oracles never work like that! Elayne is being stupid/rash/foolhardy" when the books were still coming out! But she is the only one who thinks about real threats & everyone else is just "I have doubts about Min, even tho I am totally imposing restrictions on you solely on Min's word, before most women even know!"

Yeah, if we believe that Elayne is pregnant merely on Min's say-so, then we should also believe that Elayne's kids will be successfully born, because that was also on Min's say-so. It's like how Min wants Rand to believe in all of her viewings 100%... until we get to the Alivia viewing and suddenly she's arguing that if Rand kicks Alivia out, then she totally won't be able to help him die and we can totally avoid this one, singular viewing (but all the rest are 100%).

You get the bath, too! This post just keeps on giving!

The bath was full of interesting information. Would take ten of Elayne's baths over a single one of Tuon's tantrums, lol.

WRT other people mastering Elayne's & Nynaeve's strength and discoveries and skills, remember, they're total noobs. Even if Sumeko is a bit better than Nynaeve, she needed 400 years of study, and some hints from Nynaeve, to achieve her current status. Nynaeve will blow past her before she's 100. No matter how many other sisters make ter'angreal, none of them did it at 18. The late-game supers are needed to ground the characters. It doesn't make them less awesome.

Logically, this is true, lol. Much like how Elyas existing doesn't take away from Perrin's wolfbrotherness. Haha, I will remind myself of this, anon.

"Bode (Mat’s sister, though this is not mentioned in the narrative)" I actually like this, in a Bechdel test way. 'Mat's sister' would not be the most important thing about her to a girl who grew up with them & who is as close in age to her (18 & 16) as she is to Mat (recently 21).

Oh, true true, I'm just still so frustrated by Mat being abandoned to rot in Ebou Dar. (and it's EVERY character who does it, so it's an author problem, for sure, and not an Egwene problem)

"I assume she’s talking about Mat meeting Aludra during TDR but I do not remember him mentioning this to her in TSR. And the characters are, in general, so terrible at communicating to each other that I am absolutely not going to assume that two characters actually communicated useful information to each other ‘off-screen’." An excellent point, but Mat would have had to explain the hole he made in the strongest fortress in the world at SOME point.

Haha, yeah. There was that big-ass hole. That is a good point.

[makingspiritualityreal]

Does ketu in the 5th house hinder or heighten your intelligence? I have a hard time interpreting my ketu in Aries in the 5th house placement because there’s a lot of contradicting explanations of ketu in general. I’ve heard mostly that either ketu in this position denies children all together or makes them very strange and I want to have a family and children someday. In regards to intelligence I’ve mostly read explanations that this placement can either make you slow or make you a genius. How do I interpret this placement? Seeing as it also casts dristi on the lagna how would that play out? Sorry if this is a lot, ketu genuinely confounds me, but maybe that’s the point.

In order to better understand Ketu Nakshatras and Ketu energies in general, read this.

I have seen the 5th house being linked with "creative" intelligence before...but frankly I believe every house has its own brand of intelligence or creativity that just works in different ways, and none of them are better than the other and shouldn't be dismissed. We may say the 3rd or 6th house, being linked to traditional Mercurial skills are the "typical intelligent" spots...but life is so much more complex than that, and everyone has something to contribute. Just like this cliché of a person who may very badly suck at math but be extremely visually gifted. The 5th house gifts are more about the ability to take the internal, nourishing light of 4th house inspiration and taking them a step further by expressing these inspired energies in front of another. That's why it's so "obviously" and publicly creative...because this is the point in the zodiac, where the energy is very "fresh" and inspired and ready to be shared due to its fiery nature. Depends on how it works in one's chart though...house rulership will determine the results of how well the house functions, any planets placed within will make it a more obvious goal in this incarnation for the individual.

In my opinion, Ketu's goal is not really to hinder anything, but more so refine it. Ketu is very fastidious, it's not easily satisfied, so it leads to a lot of subconscious self-imposed restrictions in one's psyche, simply because we want the best in that area. People really get the negative narrative on Ketu energies...but Ketu just has no patience for the "low vibrational" things associated with living on Earth, wanting to have the height and depth of the experience...with an undertone of "if I already have to lower myself into a human body, I want to make it count". What it results in practically is that you may not bother to do most of the superficial, commonly practiced social things in the area related that house, because you simply can't be bothered, but at the same time you are a natural at expressing its energies. It doesn't "cut you off" from that or deny you the significations of that house...but it would make you unhappy if you tried to do things in a socially acceptable way, instead of doing it your unique way. Which with Ketu is actually the right way.

Channelling your Ketu is super powerful. If Ketu was detaching you from its matters, I wouldn't be doing spiritual/astrology/tarot healing work, but instead its ingrained into my way of living and I feel 8th house very strongly in my chart. I'm also very satisfied with how I deal with these matters, since Ketu gives past life mastery, and I pick up tarot and astrology practically on the fly, not to mention I constantly grow and develop in life. I have seen people with a struggling 8th house get "energetically constipated" instead, I never had that problem, in fact the more I feel like something is trying to hold me back, the more I try to find equilibrium and transform. If you channel your Ketu well, it is the one area that you can trust yourself to be effortlessly good at. But indeed, I don't really read too many astrology analysis posts or consume other people's content much at all. In fact when I try doing that, I feel like it throws me off and makes me anxious and stressed. Which is why I joke that I write astrology content, not read it lol. Especially the prediction part makes me always panic "what if my life goes to crap even more or never gets better?", which is counterproductive. When I focus on just sharing myself and letting the flow of life happen, things go much more smoothly.

What does that mean for you with the 5th house? You shouldn't rehearse your performance in any way. Ketu does well in Aries, especially in Ashwini Nakshatra, as the fiery nature of its energy is well channelled and gives a zest for life. You should allow yourself natural spontaneity in your actions and not overthink them. You should allow yourself to follow the right impulses. You should allow any family affairs to unfold naturally. Meaning, if you want to have a child, accept that you will have it when and how you are meant to if you do, let go of any planning. You should not worry if you're "too slow or too fast" but just be yourself and express yourself, and from that authentic place, you have a gift to actually attract crowds through Rahu in the 11th house. If it's eccentric, so be it.

[petrichorvoices]

going to ask for advice and then go to bed. how do you overcome an inability to ask for help? i desperately need help with my mental state but i'd sooner gouge my own eye out than just stroll into someone's DMs and ask for that. even posting this took an entire mental war

[dizzydispatch]

One of Us

I remember a coworker at Reg telling me that he became a dispatcher because he was “nosy as hell.”

Is it nosiness, though? At first I thought so, and even now I maintain that there’s some truth to that, at least to some extent. We like to know what’s going on, to be considered important enough to be trusted with sensitive information. We're the first responders, the first to know that something is happening, and the first to find out what it is.

But I think there's a lot more to why I love this job, this field, more than anything. And what it comes down to is this: I'm part of something important, exclusive, and highly interconnected.

As a child, I was excluded from things. A lot. I mean, I had friends. Up until the point where he was pulled from school to be educated at home, I had Andy. And, I was, at the very least, on speaking terms with most or all of my classmates. But I was never really included, either. I never had a group, and I never felt like the people I associated with liked me all that much.

It would be easy to blame the shallowness of my peers, or the autism, or small children's lack of empathy, especially to those seen as different in ways both tangible and intangible. 

But if I'm being completely honest, I don't blame the other kids. I don't even blame the normative compulsions of general human society. I was excluded because I was a difficult person, even at miniature size, to get along with. Haughty, arrogant, often performative in my displays of nonconformity, I was too insecure to appreciate the fact that people might like or dislike me for reasons out of my control. So, to take back control, I leaned into the fantasy of the martyred pariah, insisting on doing things in such a belligerent way that I would isolate myself before the group could cast me out against my will.

In fourth grade I decided that collecting broken pencil tips in a clear plastic mustard container was just the strange sort of thing that an elementary school maverick would do. It was strange, but harmless; and the teacher, by now surely exasperated by the antics of this incredibly weird child, reluctantly allowed it. Pencil tips in a mustard cup eventually became pencil shavings in a recycled bagel container, and I sank further into my elected anti-social haven. 

Anti-social, however, is the last thing I would describe myself as. I love to talk. I do it so much that, in order to curb my insatiable need to overshare, I even started this blog. Despite my insecure tendency toward self-imposed isolation, I was a social butterfly. ADHD impulsivity made it impossible to keep quietly to myself, as shy children did without as much social repercussion.

It wasn't like I didn't want to be included. I remember the first time I was invited to sit with a group at lunch, back in the sixth grade, the only year I had of public middle school. That invitation changed my life.

At the time, I would sit alone with Andy at the only unclaimed table, right in the middle of the room. I felt the eyes of our peers boring into us, gossiping speculatively about the boy and girl who sat alone together every day. Whether or not the impression was indicative of reality (and the older I got, the more I believed it was in my head), it was suffocating, and despite Andy's friendship, I felt the sting of loneliness as acutely as the preteen growing pains.

When the girls sent their diplomatic representative to formally invite me to sit with them, I was unwilling to abandon my best friend. Though he insisted he didn't mind eating alone, I made it a condition of acceptance that he was allowed to accompany me. 

Andy must  have known how desperate I was to feel the embrace of a group, so he tagged reluctantly along. He sat at the very end of the bench, back turned pointedly to us, shielded from the girly atmosphere by his oversized jacket and bad attitude. Eventually, he was adopted by a group of boys at an adjacent table, and, now free of fraternal responsibility, I settled comfortably into inclusion I had never known before. 

The feeling of being one of them was like a warm, golden glow, starting in my chest and warming me to my fingertips. I traded snacks with the other girls, engaged in the typical who-liked-who gossip, and chattered about pop culture, of which I knew painfully little, at first. I learned, though, about Nickelodeon shows I'd been forbidden from watching as a kid, movies I hadn't seen but had to in order to be considered a functioning member of society, songs that were on the top-whatever lists in the 2010s. 

But my favorite thing was the extensive repertoire of inside jokes. 

At first, each call-back, each obscure reference that sent everyone else into peals of adolescent giggling, only put icicles in my stomach. But as my tenure at the girls' table grew longer, new jokes were made, ones that I got to be part of. Ones I could now refer back to days or weeks later. I clung to these anecdotes, often long after the characteristic abstraction of childhood made them obsolete. 

Inside jokes mean you're included. They mean that you have a history, and that both or all parties involved appreciate the history enough to recall that history. Reference jokes mean that somebody has been paying attention and has committed to memory the experiences shared with another. My ex used to call it "callback humor."

"You like to be in on it," he observed once. "Probably because you felt left out of things for so much of your life, that it validates you as a worthwhile investment of time." 

I never fully grew out of my fondness of inside jokes. Even a decade plus later, out of middle school and into the world, I still love a good inside joke. We had plenty of them in my friend group at the school I taught at, but I left most of those connections behind when I left. 

So naturally the first thing I wanted to do (socially, at least) when I started at Regional was get in on the inside jokes.

The overnight crew was keen on their running gags, so it wasn't hard to pick up on a few when my training shifts lined up with the third-shift. I'm not sure where the "your sister" jokes started, but they'd been going on since long before I got there. 

"PD is en route, hot response."

"Hot response to your sister's house!"

The first time I made a 'your sister' joke of my own, the response I got made me feel just as warm and glowy as those girls inviting me to their lunch table all those years ago. As soon as the joke had left my lips, several heads turned to me from around the room. A grin spread across one guy's face, and he began to pound his fist on the desk, rhythmically chanting: "One of us! One of us!" 

"We accept her, one of us. Gooble-gobble, one of us!"  (Freaks, 1932)

He was joined by a second voice, and the din was silenced only after a call drew all of our attentions away. But still, I couldn't wipe the big, stupid grin off my face. At the time, I didn't have the words to explain why their reactions made me so happy. And it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Nothing would have come from a dissertation on the anatomy of a joke (though maybe the anatomy of your sis... never mind).

All that mattered was that there was an "us," and now, I was included.  

I've talked before about how working in dispatch has given me an avenue to make connections with people I'd otherwise have nothing in common with. How being part of the public safety and first responder world gives you a sort of built-in family. Being part of something like this is all I ever wanted.

So yeah, I'm a bit nosy. I don't know a single dispatcher who isn't. We like to be clued in to the drama happening out there, to be considered trustworthy enough for sensitive information. We like to be the first to know, and the first to respond.

But at least for me, that's only part of the equation. The main source of my love for this job comes from the unparalleled feeling of being part of something important. I get to be part of the chain-reaction that starts with dialing 9-1-1 and ends with a life saved, a fire extinguished, a child reunited with his family. Those are the experiences that unite us, that make up the "us" that I am so grateful to be "one of."

[maifrenthebesto]

Why should anyone care about the idealistic viewpoints of a strange stranger they came across by chance through their perfectly strange online trafficking?

You shouldn't, you don't know my agenda after all, maybe I'm trying to decieve you in some way by putting my elations and emotions first and foremost, or maybe I am trying to gaslit you into being a better person (you don't want to be)

You shouldn't trust in someone who has so much to say, they could say anything to anyone and if only half of it makes sense, surely the other half is not worth hearing out.

Even still, where does this guy get off telling others how the world should be? He must have it so easy seeing as he has all this time to share his thoughts with the void. What does he know about the real world, and how ruthless it is systematically made out to be, things are good for [you] for as long as others are ignored and disregarded, at least the ones who aren't as important to [you] so why fix the problems that aren't affecting [you]?

Don't listen to me for an answer to how the world should be, because I can only tell you how I act within it, whether it is for my benefit or to my dismay, I will remain true to myself and have kindness at the foremost, even when it is not required of me, only because I feel like this is the best way for me to interact through everyday life, and that no one is inherently deserving of targeted hatred or harassment from one person or group, and while I can't control any groups (nor do I hold the desire to do so), I can control myself, and my disposition.

Do not be so naive as to think that abstinence from worldly pleasures can keep you from straying from your self-imposed path, because then, you will see the stimulant as an enabler to that which you deem unbefitting of yourself. What others do that you are comfortable looking down upon.

A kind heart can be foolish, but it does not purposely hurt another willingly under the influence, duress, or any other circumstance.

It is hard to not harm, it is easy to think we do no harm, it is human to be introspective about our behavior, and it is important to do so for growth.

Why should anyone care if those around them are growing? Should you care that I grow? Or is it better to belittle the fool who wishes their fantasy world be not so fantastic, and that we treat each other like fellow human beings a little more often, from time to time.

Love it or hate it, you watched me grow. That's all you could do.

Thank you for staying around for it, I'm happy you've grown too! c:

[orionsballad]

Reflections after 70,000 words

A few chapters ago Orion's Ballad crossed 70,000 words. These are some of my thoughts:

Self imposed deadlines are strange. This is the first time in my life I've actually seriously committed to meeting self imposed deadlines even when I don't want to. On a few occasions I've woken up and written a chapter hours before it's due to publish. These are pretty consistently my least favorite chapters, and more than a few scenes that I'd been looking forward to writing felt underdone and rushed because of the crunch. Ultimately, I'm still glad I didn't delay any of those chapters, but it is motivation to write more and get ahead of my schedule again.

I'm absolutely delighted by commenters. Seriously, I love it. You're telling me people actually read my writing AND liked it enough to comment? Even speculate about future events?? WRITE 5 STAR REVIEWS? Amazing, 10/10 experience. Shout out to F24Valentine Bobgongo especially, love you guys <3

70,000 words is also kind of completely wild. I think my record for a project before Orion's Ballad was something like 30k? That's the number I've said for a long time, but last time I tried to find that project all I found was 10k, so maybe that's my actual previous record. Either way, it feels amazing to finally commit to one project and see such a staggering number. It also sucks. I want to write so many things, two other projects specifically are calling to me like sirens. I have an idea for a short hiatus point somewhere in the far future, and maybe I'll take that time to get started proper on one of those other projects, but for now I'm forcing myself to only indulge them as occasional treats for myself while I keep the bulk of my focus on Orion's Ballad.

In the background, life toils on. I'm broke, living with my parents, and occasionally suffocating in existential dread. I have some good friends and a wonderful partner that are keeping me going though, and every now and then the future actually looks kind of bright. It seems like 2024 is shaping up to be a year of slow, agonizing growth, but that's better than not growing at all, right?

Thanks for reading, if you found this in the tags than you should definitely check out Orion's Ballad on Royal Road. I post three chapters a week and I'm told it's a pretty good read.

[heytheremems]

thoughts

It's kinda strange to be back on here just to vent out some thoughts. It means I'm not in my best shape, mentally.

I feel like i'm not really myself, or maybe I'm not the self I impose myself to be, it's not a wish, it's a duty to be, appear and perform to some standar, which I usually do not me, because I set them to high for mysef, or because I want to change things I cannot change.

Moreover I am really feealing the weight of time passing by and the need to rush everything and move to the next phase of my life, in order not to feel stuck in a sorta state of uncertainty, yet I'm afraid of the future, of what will it be and I fear I will never be enough for I don't know what.

Maybe I should go back to therapy, I dont know.

I just want to be better and a better version of myself, not perferct, just better, and content, proud even, of who he is and will be

[usthewaywardclouds-blog]

My grandmother called me at 3:00 A.M. and asked me if I was okay... I was journaling and crying profusely. I told her about Italy. She walked through a range of emotions with me on the phone. I don't know how she knew. But perhaps we really are all witches, us strange women.

Learned a lot in 2022... I'm thinking about the controversy and compromises I've fumbled through like a hyena on acid. I keep laughing in situations I should be crying about, I cling to any shred of positivity and keep it like a light.

I've learned to keep the people who feel like home close without learning to live inside them...confronting my issues with codependency and anxious attachment issues...

So much shame and embarrassment for my poor crippled mind sludge (I have another official assessment coming up, but they've so far ruled out bipolar or bpd, so yay? Doc is focused on CPTSD... she thinks much of my ADHD might be my CPTSD) This entire thing, this whole life stuff, it really fucking sucks sometimes.

I've been completely preoccupied following a series of pretty mid medical emergencies. This also fucking sucks because when I'm not creating I'm just this mad, dribbling hoe on the Internet and as much as I just like, own being a harlot, that is sooo not sexy. 😤 I think, therefore, I ramble and have no censor or remorse....or I have remorse, think, get passionately upset, write like a crazy person, and cry it out. I wish I could delete myself 😞 I also really understand my own psychology so much better after some traumatic exploration. But i hate this 😒 I am reminded of someone

As dire and dizzying times have been, I've been able to reach some really grand breakthroughs with the help of therapy + medication.

- I've been able to enjoy the harvests of my labor. Literally and figuratively

- I'm going for broke but I'm going back to Italy

- take the above as you may, unfortunate bystander who may scroll thru my uhhhh blog?

- really engaging with my friends and stepping away from family

But I'm also. . .likeee

I fear for my friends (who hopefully aren't an audience to my terrors 🥺) it seems like even when everyone is at their best, everything is still so very heavy for most

I have only told a few people about my medical issues 🙃 I haven't told my grandmother's 🙃

Neither of them...

I hope that this new year is going to be so much more generous than 2022.

I really want to go back and look at it all down. There is clarity on whatever it was at the end.

I'm making some really good progress and trying not to let the massive, imposing, and impossible medical decisions throw me.

I no longer kill spiders. I meditate and work out and spend a lot of time with my friends. Yesss I have to think about how I might have to be like literally cut open for exploratory surgery. But here I am, awake at the witching hour, afraid for so much of my life and decisions (but not alarmed) and droning onto a weirdo app..

My heart weighs heavy while my mind chirps