#because it made me so fucking depressed and also enraged me

[throneofrayllum]

Thoughts on JWCT

First off, i absolutely loved it. I was honestly worried that i was gonna be disappointed, but it was perfect. It was so good i had to stop and take breaks to cry/scream/do a lap around the room lmao

Everyone's reaction to brooks "death" had me bawling. Darius calling her just to hear her voice, sammy still being able to see her when she looks at the jacket, when they were deciding if they were gonna get on the boat and yaz said something along the lines of "getting on the boat would be a very brooklynn thing to do"- Kill me now they all miss her so much

KENLYNN:

THE PICNIC SCENE. they loved each other sm :(

kenji's my son and i hate that he was so neglected by brooklynn- yes she was struggling herself and im sure she was trying to do what she thought was right but he deserved so much better.

BUT THE LOOK ON BROOKLYNNS FACE WHEN HE BROKE UP WITH HER :(

how ENRAGED kenji was at anyone he thought was involved/to blame for brooks death - HE LOVES HER

He was so sad in her apartment. Also when he tripped on her boot:(

THE WAY HE GAVE DARIUS THE EXTRA HELMET AND WORE BROOKS

The AGNST with kenji loving b still but also feeling bitter/betrayed because of how much she hid from him

I could go on and on but im not gonna

Darius and Ben:

I've shipped these two from the start so i am quite depresso espresso but they were still adorable

I HAVE HOPE THAT THEY WILL MAYBE WORK OUT IDK

ben does not have a girlfriend. what the fuck was that. No. that precious jungle boy is not straight.

THE WAY THE BICKERED LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE

Darius and kenji:

darius and kenji killed me. I love them but its actually so heartbreaking that their relationship became so broken.

i LOVED that kenji wasn't pissed at darius for being in love with brook. Really showed maturity on kenji's part

THE BROTHERS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO BEING BEST BROS AGAIN. I DON'T HAVE TO BE DEPRESSED FOREVER

the fact that it makes things tense but they understand how hard loosing b is for each other bc THEY BOTH LOVE HER

The way kenji still talks to darius' mom (his mom too now)

Darius and brooklynn:

I have always like them better platonically- but im not gonna deny that in jwcc there were moments when i was like "oop ok pop off chemistry"

I do ship kenlynn- but if done correctly, i could easily become a hardcore dinostar shipper if they are made cannon

It actually breaks my heart that on top of dealing with grieving brook bc she's his bestie, darius is in love with her

Yasammy:

THE WIVES. THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME SANE.

their fight was so realistic and well done. no couple is gonna have a prefect relationship forever- there's gonna be fights.

YAZ' GROWTH. IM SO PROUD OF MY GIRL

Sammy feeling so alone broke my heart.

THE HEAD BONK WHEN THEY WENT IN FOR THE KISS AWWWW

Brooklynn:

I FREAKING KNEW MY GIRL WASN'T DEAD.

LONGLIVEBROOKLYNN

did i have my doubts? yes i did but she's still here so it's alr.

I can't imagine how alone she feels- my girl's having a rough time

I have no idea what she's doing but im sure she has good reason (im scared)

SHE'S SUCH A BADASS. can we all agree that brooklynn OWNS "who's afraid of little old me?" like that is HER song.

SHE'S STUNNING TOO. LIKE I GET DARIUS AND KENJI IM IN LOVE ASWELL.

Most importantly:

THE WHISTLE RAPOR LADY HAD ME SHAKING IN MY BOOTS.

actually terrifying. What the hell.

[jasonntodd]

.

[hotchs-big-hands]

ngl i would genuinely get off to making haley jealous and angry because of how fucking easy it is. my personal hc here but i think she was controlling and thought she had hotch wrapped around her finger and it infuriated her that his job was the only thing he refused to listen to her about. i also think she tried to baby trap him with jack in the assumption that would "fix" their marriage and when it only made it worse she blamed aaron for never being home when she easily couldve hired a nanny or regular babysitter so she could work or do whatever. i believe she cheated bc of that one phone call to their house when hotch answered and it was a random man asking for haley before hanging up and the look hotch gave her like yeah he knew she was fucking around too. i think it made her even angrier that when she filed for divorce hotch didnt even fight her onit! didnt ask to work things out or for counseling or anything. just "okay ill sign the papers when i get back from this case"

now assuming reader is mid twenties i think your very existence would have her enraged. aaron seems happier and even healthier. hes got more color in his face, hes put on some healthy weight, he smiles and laughs now, he takes more time off work, his life has clearly significantly improve since she left him and she cant fucking stand it. she thought she was the best thing that ever happened to him and now shes seeing in real time she's actually the worst thing ♥️♥️

and you thinks its funny as hell to watch a 40 year old woman with a whole ass kid be that bent out of fucking shape because the man SHE LEFT is fine without her. like yes maam i am younger than you, hotter than you, nicer than you AND i can ride the dick just right. stay pressed bitch 💕. and when she tries interfering in your relationship hotch asks you to put up with it just for a bit because he knows hack is still adjusting to coparenting and he wants the best for his son so you let him handle his exwife until she crosses a line and tries to accuse you of some shit and aaron finally puts his foot down and haley cant believe that shes really lost complete control over aaron (haha fuck you haley)

like i fantasize about a situation where haley is trying SOOOO hard to break yall up and drive a wedge between you two and it isnt until jacks birthday or some big family function aaron brought you too and haley cant help it but lowkey stalk yall all night and so youre like "aaron watch this" and you drag him off to some secluded corner and hes like ??? but you tell him "hold on baby give it a minute. bet you anything haley pops up" and then once you hear footsteps you give aaron a big fat smooch and surprise surprise!! whos coming around the corner? why its haleys stalker ass following you two like a creep!

i literally just want to cuck haleys pathetic ass because fuck her and her scraggly blonde hair and that nappy ass wig she had on in witness protection with her no-style-no-personality-all-about-me havin ass 😒😒😒😒

sorry this is such a convoluted mess i just hate that lady 😭😭

I NEEDN'T SAY MORE THIS IS EXACTLY MY THOTS I WANT THAT WOMAN SEEEETHING AT THE SIGHT OF AARON BEING HAPPY AND THRIVING. SHE WOULD ABSOLUTELY BE THE CRAZY EX WHO PROBABLY ENDS UP HARASSING YOU.

The SECOND she says smth nasty abt you Aaron is soooooo fucking pissed. She insults you saying you're just a whore sleeping with Aaron for his money (and cuz us babes are plus-size queens she HATES THAT) and that Aaron is not attracted to you.

And Aaron OOF he takes her to one side and tells her she is fucking nothing but the mother of his child now. That YOU are his everything. YOU make him the man he is now. He's fucking happy with you as the love of his life and that Haley made him chronically stressed and depressed and almost completely ruined his self esteem. He warns her to back the fuck off from him and reader. He does not want any communication with her unless it's to do with Jack. End of.

[neuroticbookworm]

Dead Friend Forever, Tee and Redemption?

I'm caught up on Dead Friend Forever (just in time for the finale, *smirks*) and I've been mentally munching on two things since yesterday's episode: 1. Why did the show decide to dedicate so much screen time for Tee so late in its run? and 2. How has it added to what we already know about Tee from previous episodes?

Episode 11 opens with Tee delivering Non to his piece of shit uncle, where he finally realizes that his uncle is running a criminal business and no, he is not gonna gently reprimand Non and then set him free. We're then taken on this journey where Tee finally shows a shred of guilt for what he has done, after Non called him out on every shitty choice Tee made that directly led to Non being in this position. We got a short detour of his struggles with his father, him expressing interest to escape the crime world his uncle has trapped him in, that was clearly meant to elicit sympathy for Tee. But all it did was leave me feeling enraged that this pathetic excuse of a human being was only capable of facing moral conflict when *he's* the one staring down the barrel of a loaded metaphorical gun, and not a second before that. Basic human decency and empathy is nowhere to be seen.

When Non supposedly dies (there's no fucking way, I ain't buying that), Tee goes into the shortest mourning period I've ever witnessed on TV, and then immediately latches onto the first boy that shows the slightest interest in him. That was the extent of remorse he’s capable of. And a more damning evidence of how little he had truly changed his ways after playing a part in Non’s “death” is his behavior in the earlier arcs of the show. He was a petulant, aggressive and avoidant little shit whenever Non was brought up in conversation. So understandably, the choice to explore Tee and the happenings in his life after Non’s “death” in episode 11 had left me feeling angry with the way the show was clearly steering the audience towards accepting Tee’s redemption.

But, was it though? The show also places New directly opposite Tee, in conflict and in their moral drive. Tee was and is driven only by selfishness. He wanted to earn money, then save his ass, then not get implicated in murder and finally not let others dig up dirt on the murder he did help commit. New/Tan is driven by revenge. A funny thing about revenge: it is also deeply selfish. Wanting revenge implicitly means that they have already failed the person they are trying to avenge. New could've started out with the right motivations of wanting to find out what happened to his brother, but he soon got dragged into a convoluted mess of guilt, revenge, rage, depression and substance abuse. None of what he had planned on doing to the gang would help Non if he were alive. It is no longer about Non, the moment he started plotting murders is the moment his motivations morphed from finding Non to helping himself and appeasing his sense of helplessness and guilt.

The fact that Tee and New were clearly placed in direct conflict in episode 11 was so interesting to me because these two characters are seemingly on the opposite sides of this conflict, but are ultimately driven by selfishness. I hope the show focused on Tee’s backstory not to convince us that maybe he deserves redemption, but to show us how much he believes that he does. And I hope that the show will tell him, as he slowly bleeds to death, begging for mercy, that no, he actually fucking doesn't.

[dangermousie]

List of dramas everyone loves but I either watched and did not love or didn’t even want to watch because I found them unappealing to that degree.

1. Nirvana in Fire - the protag was way too OP and I also never did overcome my conviction that Wang Kai would get eaten alive by the court the moment MCS died - ideals and inability to do sleazy compromising morally grey things combined with too much morality make for a terrible ruler.

2. Castaway Diva - it was so fucking precious I wanted to scream “you can’t do magic realism with your magic chirpy castaway.” Sure Jorge Amado could but you ain’t Jorge Amado.

3. Extraordinary Attorney Woo - I do not do lawyer dramas at all. And as a contrarian, the more people fangirled over it, the more annoyed I got.

4. You are Beautiful - yeah it’s old but I can hold a grudge. Watching it as it aired was extremely not fun with insane fans who were enraged the ratings were not whatever it was, the characters were annoying as fuck and JGS decided to cosplay as his character in this for a decade after, the ending was lifted from A Star in my Heart. But honestly it’s the psychotic fans that really did it for me.

5. Start Up - why it inspired this degree of obsession and virtiol is beyond me but I couldn’t look at anyone involved for years.

6. Legend of Zhen Huan - I hate all harem dramas and the better made the more I hate them because all those smart women fighting for attention of one gross fail man so as to survive or for power or because it’s him or nobody is, historically accurate or not, depressing as fuck.

7. Legend of Fei - color beige given form.

8. Moon that Eclipses the Sun - moronic plot, dumbing down of any historical reality of anything, lead pair with no chemistry (and leading lady who can’t act), and the start of the horrifying fluffy youth sageuk trend. If I had Thanos’ zapper to use only on one drama this would be it.

9. My Name is Kim Sam Soon - once again huge old hit and I can hold grudges - it’s not funny and the leads are an immature annoying unlikeable pair. When the only character I like is the secondary girl you know you fucked up.

10. Rookie Historian - makes Moon that Eclipses the Sun seem like Jumong. Also if Cha Eun Woo actually moves his face I think the world might end so I am grateful to him from protecting us from that apocalypse in that and every other drama.

(I did not include dramas that were popular but had a mixed reception like Boys Over Flowers etc or we’d be here all day.)

[certifiedsidedish]

Thua is NOT the villain of “The Eclipse”

Let me start this post off by saying that I do not condone Thua outing his friends’ secret relationship. It’s true that he is my favorite character in the series; and I believe he is one of the most well-written BL characters (especially in a high school BL), period. That being said, his actions in EP11—as well as throughout the series—came from a place of pain and suffering. And when decisions are made based on pain, things rarely end well.

But before we talk about Thua (and he is not the villain that some are making him out to be) let’s talk about Akk. While Ajarn Chadok uses Akk to enforce the authoritarian regime of the school, Akk is the one who decides the means in which he is going to carry out Ajarn Chadok’s orders. Akk decides to torment his classmates. Akk sends the truck into the crowd of protesters. And it’s Akk who drops the flower pot from the 4th floor, mere inches from a student’s head. Akk’s tactics rely on the potential of physical harm to affect those who he sees as a threat to his school, and his title as Student Prefect Club President.

Now compare these things to the methods Thua used: Thua created the Twitter account. He used it, as well as the banner, to scare the protesters. He set a mannequin on fire. While both Akk and Thua’s actions caused psychological trauma (yes, I said trauma) to their targets, only Akk’s methods could have directly resulted in both mental and physical harm.

If we look at Thua’s character, we see in the beginning that he is true neutral: the quiet kid who just keeps his head down, does his work and wants to get out of the hellhole that is Suppalo as fast as possible. It’s not until Ayan calls Thua out for not taking a stand and fighting against injustice that we see Thua begin to shift from true neutral to neutral good (with some chaotic tendencies). Now in EP11 Ayan is actively insisting that Thua silence himself. Why? Because it would reveal that Ayan has been covering for Akk this entire time (which IMHO  is just downright hypocritical of AyanAkk.)

Which brings me to the protest—and Thua’s outing of AyanAkk as being in a relationship. As a member of the queer community myself (💗💜💙) I can acknowledge that Thua outing AyanAkk was inappropriate. He robbed them of the decision to be open about their relationship. However, I fully—and I say this with my ENTIRE CHEST—support Thua outing Akk as the one behind the curse. Akk’s actions not only inflicted psychological and potential physical damage to those who were seen as “out of line,” they also encouraged an environment where Thua (and Kan for that matter) was bullied. And as we see in EP5 the bullying Thua endures leads him to feel like he wants to disappear. This could be interpreted as an early warning sign of passive suicidal ideation. 

Had it not been for Kan, disguised as man of mystery Bruce Wayne) there is no telling what Thua would’ve done. The grief of losing his father, the emotional and mental abuse he has had to endure from his stepfather, as well as the bullying and blatant social rejection by his peers, resulted in Thua’s depression—yeah, my little pudding pop is depressed as fuck! 

That depression soon lead to rage and shame. Thua was [rightfully] enraged by the injustices that allowed others to torment him. That torment kept him in his depressive state, resulting in him being “like a robot.” Ever heard of the expression you cannot heal in the same environment that broke you? Thua’s pain was unleashed when The World Remembers began their protests. Because those protests would lead to a version of Suppalo that would not support Thua’s tormentors.

So for those of you saying that Thua should not have been forgiven, I ask you this: why not?

Akk lied to his friends for years about the curse of Suppalo.

And he knowingly put their physical and mental well being in harm’s way.

Why are we as a fandom quick to forgive Akk, but not Thua? Is it because Akk was being controlled by Chadok? If that’s the case, I have to go back to the argument that Chadok did not tell Akk to run that truck into a crowd of his peers; Chadok did not tell Akk to drop that flower pot on their heads. Chadok simply told Akk to do what must be done to keep the protesters at bay. 

Akk’s actions directly contributed to the student body’s mentality of causing harm to those who are “different” including Thua, a boy who is lonely and just wants his pain to end.

TL:DR Thua is not the villain everyone is making him out to be. He is a child who has been directly affected by Akk’s actions as Student Prefect Club President. And he deserves to be forgiven for his actions just as much as Akk deserves to be forgiven for his.

[wartakes]

It Didn't Have to Be Like This (OLD ESSAY)

This essay was originally posted on September 15th, 2021, and is another one of those "nearly broke me to write" ones.

This essay reflects on the War in Afghanistan after the Fall of Kabul and all that entailed - leading to the Taliban regaining power in the country. Needless to say I have some complicated feelings on it.

(Full essay below the cut).

So.

Let’s talk about Afghanistan.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a month since Kabul fell to the Taliban, bringing down with it what was left of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan. Like with so many other things from the past couple years, it simultaneously feels like that event occurred only yesterday and also years ago, both at the same time. It was one of those events where time seemed to lose all meaning as you watched it happen in real time over the matter of a few days.

I had considered writing something about Afghanistan sooner, but I had decided to wait until the next monthly essay to do so, mainly because I was emotionally and physically exhausted both by those events and other events in my own life, but also because I was still mentally processing it and figuring out how I felt about it. I was still in elementary school when 9/11 happened and we first went into Afghanistan and we’ve been occupying that country for the majority of my life so far. Needless to say, watching the Taliban roll in produced a number of powerful, conflicting feelings – especially given how my politics have changed in adulthood.

I was actually struggling for a few days trying to figure out what exactly I was going to say about Afghanistan. Certainly, there’s been no shortage of think pieces and op-eds about big, brained columnists and pundits trying to score political points or cover their own asses and what have you (I’d give you some examples to share here, but I value my sanity and your own to inflict psychic damage of that caliber on you all so if you really want to see they’re not that hard to find). I wasn’t sure what I could contribute that would be different or of any value. In the end, what I decided to write about is centered around the phrase I’ve kept finding myself repeating to myself and others as I’ve watched Afghanistan disintegrate over the past few weeks and the United States and the West completely fuck up its endgame to a long, bloody, pointless war:

It didn’t have to be like this.

I keep finding myself thinking that both about the fact we went into Afghanistan in the first place, the way in which we went in after we decided we had to, all the decisions we made along the way, and then the way we left. I think about these things, and all the ways in which we made decisions and undertook actions disrupted, destroyed, or outright ended the lives of countless Afghans – as well as U.S. and allied troops – wasted countless resources, and other actions I may not even be able to comprehend, and think “it didn’t have to be like this at all.”

That’s the most frustrating, heartbreaking, enraging, depressing thing about watching everything unfold in Afghanistan now, as the Taliban establishes its new government as it attempts to snuff out any remaining resistance and is engaging in reprisals and punishments against those who had opposed it. The most frustrating thing as I watch people in my field that actually mean well – if maybe misguided at times – grappling with how the twenty years of blood, sweat, tears, riches, and more meant absolutely nothing. The most frustrating thing as I watch others who shamelessly plugged and supported the war over the years bend over backwards to explain how they weren’t wrong but were let down by whoever their favorite scapegoat has to be – Afghan soldiers who “didn’t fight hard enough” in the case of Joe Biden, apparently.

This was all so avoidable, in so many ways, to so many extents. So completely and totally unnecessary. And yet, we plowed ahead.

How very American of us, right?

Going In

I wasn’t quite old enough to really understand the invasion of Afghanistan. After the initial shock of 9/11 wore off, I went back to the pre-middle school age distractions of playing video games, building LEGO sets, and walking the dog. When we invaded Afghanistan, I didn’t even really know it was occurring until it was already almost over. Once it was over, I assumed that was that and proceeded to stop paying attention to it as Iraq eventually overshadowed it, until Afghanistan began to make its presence known again more forcefully some years later.

What I did understand – and still thought to a degree until a few years ago – growing up, was that compared to Iraq, Afghanistan was “the Good War.” While Iraq seemed so clearly to be unjustified and a bad decision to liberal-progressive households like the one I grew up in, Afghanistan was either seen as being “done” (at least in the early 00s), or even after it began to heat up more, it was still the war that was justified and necessary to embark upon given the events of 9/11. As time went on, we found other justifications for being there to build upon that “Good War” narrative that made Afghanistan somehow different from Iraq, whether it be promoting democracy, the rights of women, or what have you.

This is something I’ve grappled with and had to fight years of bias on as I’ve grown older and more politically self-conscious. The conclusion I tentatively arrived at only recently is that, while there are people who genuinely thought we were doing the right thing in Afghanistan and wanted to help, they weren’t the ones who made the decision to go in and the ones who made the decision to go in or engineered our long stay. Those people were decidedly not as idealistic and pure of heart and mind as some of the rank-and-file people I know who are torn up about Afghanistan. Those who made the call likely made it for far more cynical political reasons – both domestically and internationally – and committed us to something that did not need to happen.

Now, it was next to impossible to argue that the invasion of Afghanistan was unnecessary or even wrong back in 2001 if you wanted any hope of not being a pariah – or unless you were Congresswoman Barbara Lee and cast the sole ‘no’ vote against invading Afghanistan. But now, as a national security professional with the benefit of age and wisdom it seems pretty clear that to me that it wasn’t absolutely necessary. There were multiple, direct and indirect measures at our disposal short of invasion and occupation that could have gotten us the desired effects or something close.

I’m going to try and not go as far as the certified big brain genius who opined “if only we had just killed Bin Laden right after 9/11,” But I am going to engage in a similar kind of exercise here. What I am going to try and do is look over some credible or plausible alternatives to the path we went down to drive home that the path we took wasn’t the only one. Please keep in mind that while I’ll try to keep these somewhat grounded, they are just musings at the end of the day with a fair amount of wishful thinking on my part. What I’m really trying to do is drive home how unnecessary this all was with all the potential options that were available as a whole (and maybe cope and vent a bit).

First of all, we could have launched a campaign of air and missile strikes that stopped short of an actual ground invasion. Obviously, this may not seem like an improvement given when you consider the thousands of civilian fatalities from US and Allied airstrikes over twenty years of occupation in Afghanistan (over 2,000 just between 2016 and 2020). But even then, a short but intense campaign of bombing against al Qaeda and Taliban military facilities probably could have done just as well in damaging both of those organizations capacity to threaten the United States and others as twenty years of occupation would have. If necessary, those could have been followed up in the future as well. It may have softened the Taliban up for the Northern Alliance without ever needing any boots on the ground. It wasn’t even unprecedented, as we had done the same thing in Afghanistan just several years prior. The entire Afghan invasion initially started out just as a campaign of airstrikes before troops were sent in a couple weeks later. An air-only campaign wouldn’t have defeated al-Qaeda of course (we still haven’t done that regardless) but it probably could have weakened them enough in Afghanistan to prevent them using that country as an effective base for an extended period of time – maybe even force them out of Afghanistan indefinitely, in combination with Northern Alliance pressure on the ground.

On that note, what if you want to go further and keep U.S. military power (directly) out of the equation, completely? Then we could have provided more extensive material support to the Northern Alliance in their battle against the Taliban (rather than taking our ball and going home not long after the Soviets were forced out in 1989). We could have provided them with more and better weapons, training, political and diplomatic support, and so on. We could have worked to try and help them find broader appeal across the rest of Afghanistan and muster more support within the country. We could have coordinated with the Northern Alliance’s supporters in the Central Asian republics bordering them in carrying out that support. We could have worked to more actively muster support throughout the world for the anti-Taliban resistance. That may not have been as ‘shock and awe’ as going in on the ground or bombing from the air, but it still likely would have been the better choice both for ourselves and the Afghan people even with how much of a prolonged bloody conflict it still might have been.

But we can go even farther. Did we need to have any military involvement at all, period? Regardless of whether it was us directly shooting, or supporting someone else in shooting? One narrative is that we could have had Usama Bin Laden right then and there after 9/11 if we had struck a deal with the Taliban. Initially the Taliban refused any demands to turn over Bin Laden to the U.S. government when being threatened with military action, but it left the door open to negotiation. This willingness to negotiate increased once the bombs started falling, by which point President George W. Bush dismissed it out of hand. This raises two questions, the first being; was there more room for negotiation or even coercion short of military action prior to embarking on military action in Afghanistan? Was there a stick or carrot that may have been able to convince the Taliban to sell out al Qaeda before a shot was fired? Or even after the first bombs were dropped, once the Taliban were more willing to discuss terms, may we have been able to get Bin Laden right then and there without committing to an invasion and regime change? And could we have explored these options without completely setting aside the threat of invasion as leverage? It seems to me that all of these could have been plausible options – but weren’t. For one reason or another – a desire for revenge, a desire for a war, and other reasons that would take too long to explain here – we cast all of those aside and embarked on a path to invasion and occupation.

Being In

So, we’ve seen that there were at least some plausible alternatives to avoid an invasion or even potentially avoid military action outright. But let’s assume we couldn’t avoid a ground war no matter what. That then raises the question, did the ground war have to pan out the way it did? Did it have to turn into a twenty year long bloody quagmire.

Very quickly: I’m not suggesting in any shape or form the war was “winnable,” because it absolutely fucking was not. There was no way we were ever going to win in Afghanistan. Like with the vast majority of counter-insurgencies – as I’ve mused in the past – the most an occupying power or COIN force can ever hope for is to not lose and try and stave that off indefinitely if they’re not willing to make political concessions. We were never going to “win”, if the objective was to completely get rid of the Taliban or any other anti-government insurgent force and create a friendly client-state that wasn’t necessarily in tune with the feelings and desires of the Afghan people as a whole. That was never going to be achievable. As I also have said, regime change enforced from the outside is largely unachievable except for the biggest of outlier cases (your World War II Germany and Japan for example, which have ruined the curve in my opinion).

But what if we had kept our objectives and campaign limited? What if we had stayed focused purely on going in to root out some or all of al Qaeda and to try and track down bin Laden and other al Qaeda leadership? What if once we had either accomplished our objective, or it became obvious that Bin Laden was gone and al Qaeda no longer had a significant presence in the country, we pulled out our troops and continued the search elsewhere? We could have maybe maintained support of the Northern Alliance against the rest of the Taliban that we hadn’t defeated yet, maybe even had some limited special forces operators on the ground, but not the thousands of troops we ended up with at the peak of the occupation.

If you so desire, we can even modify this idea a bit. Regardless of whether or not we found Bin Laden or fully defeated al Qaeda or the Taliban (all things we didn’t do – well, we did find Bin Laden, just not in Afghanistan), we could have continued to fight alongside the Northern Alliance in their battle against the Taliban and then once they had removed the Taliban from power we could have then withdrawn our troops. We could have left the Afghans to their own affairs once the Taliban were no longer in charge of the country as a whole and were much reduced in their capacity to provide safe haven to al Qaeda and Bin Laden. We could have continued to provide indirect support – military or non-military – without being near as involved as we ended up being in their internal affairs. In that case, we could have walked away even if we hadn’t gotten Bin Laden while still having it be a “win” if that’s what Bush really wanted.

To be clear, I don’t necessarily think that whatever Afghan government that would have arisen if we had pulled out immediately after the fall of the Taliban would have been able to do much better then the one propped up by our occupation there. We probably still would have seen a civil war of some kind erupt again and also certainly see corruption and other issues remain endemic. My point here was, there was still a window for some time after the initial invasion that we may have been able to withdraw during which we would have felt like we accomplished more and not done as much harm to Afghanistan as we would end up doing. I won’t go as far to say we would have left Afghanistan a better place – I’m not going to discount it but say that I’m skeptical and also that it’s impossible to say. But what we could have done is left an Afghanistan that, despite the problems it still undoubtedly would have had, may have had more hope today than we find it having now after the path we chose to go down instead.

Getting Out

Speaking of how we left Afghanistan in August of 2021.

If you’ve listened to anything I’ve written in these essays, or posted on Twitter, or if you’re one of my friends and heard me rant and rave in DMs, you know that I think leaving Afghanistan was the right thing to do and we should have done it a long time again (hence, this entire essay in itself). I don’t regret that we left, only that we didn’t do it sooner and smarter.

It is on that note, I have to say, seeing the way we left Afghanistan and how we treated the Afghan people in the process made me some of the most ashamed I have ever been of my country and my government in my entire adult life – right up there with the way it responded to the George Floyd Protests in Summer 2020. Part of the reason I was glad I didn’t have to write this essay right away is its honestly taken an entire month to square away the feelings it invoked in me watching what was happening to Afghans as we left. It felt awful to watch and I can only imagine how it felt for the people living there and trying to survive, as well as people who served there and earnestly thought they were trying to do good only to see how it was all for nothing. Even not being Afghan or a servicemember or veteran, I felt overcome by watching the way in which the war that made up most of my life so far come to a tragic and hubris ridden end. Quite frankly, if watching someone fall from a C-17 after clinging on in a desperate attempt at fleeing for your life doesn’t affect you profoundly in some way, I don’t know what to tell you.

But could we have avoided our exit being as much of a shitshow as it was? Short answer: yes. Longer, angrier answer: of course, we fucking could have we just decided not to.

The moment Joe Biden decided he was going to stick to the Trump Administration’s deal with the Taliban to withdraw, he could have started taking measures right then and there to try minimize the amount of harm that was going to be done no matter what. We could have made the Special Immigrant Visas for Afghans easier to obtain and start flying refugees out immediately. As a matter of fact, we could have forgone the visa program all together and simply offered to fly out anyone and everyone who wanted to leave the country at pretty much any point between Biden made his call and when the downfall of the old Afghan government was looking all the more certain. We could have attempted to work with allies and partners ahead of time on the issue of resettlement. We could have marshalled far more of the U.S. military much earlier to evacuate vulnerable people from the threat of harm or death. We potentially even could have considered going back to the negotiating table and trying to get a better deal with the Taliban – still committing to a withdrawal but under terms that would have gotten more breathing space. Oh, and since Biden claims he planned on seeking a withdrawal regardless of Trump’s deal with the Taliban, we could have started doing all of these things and more way sooner.

Again, let me be clear on something: I don’t think there was a way we could have kept the Afghan government from collapsing. That was inevitable from the way it had developed. I think anyone in national security field with more than a passing familiarity with the situation knew that sooner or later after we withdrew, the Afghan government would fall. Those of us who were a bit more in the know felt that it would happen sooner rather than later. Not to be ‘I told you so’ about it, but I was very much in the ‘sooner rather than later’ camp, but even then, I was still shocked at how soon it all unfolded (I had given them until the end of the year, maybe a month or so into 2022 at the most, but apparently I was being too generous even then). The Taliban winning was always going to happen once we gone. Full stop.

What makes me ashamed and outraged is, knowing this, we could have done so much more to protect the people that we knew for a fact were going to be in danger once the inevitable happened. We had the time, we had the knowledge, we had the resources and opportunity, but we didn’t. We left it until the last minute and as a result, so many more people are in danger of death or harm or who knows what else because we simply chose not to do anything. I could give you a laundry list of reasons why we didn’t do this: racism, political ineptitude, racism, self-delusion, racism, overconfidence, racism, and etc. But whatever the reason, we just didn’t.

That reality makes my cry of “it didn’t have to be like this” even more forlorn here than with the other sections. My other “what ifs” thinking about the road not taken in Afghanistan had to do more with having a better handle on the political-military problem and the geopolitical landscape we were walking into. Morality and ethics certainly weren’t divorced from it but weren’t the only force at play. When it came to the evacuation from Afghanistan, we knew damn well what was coming and the right thing to do was obvious to anyone with a semblance of a heart in their chest. But we didn’t anyway. Because of that, I’m never not going to feel some degree of shame in my life for who and what we left behind. It didn’t have to be like this.

It didn’t have to be like this. But it is.

And here we are. The Taliban have announced their new interim government, all the while Afghanistan’s economy continues to take a nosedive and basic services break down. The resistance in Panjshir appears to have been largely conventionally defeated though it has promised to continue the fight (something that I sincerely hope happens). Dark days definitely seem ahead for a country that has had forty years’ worth of very dark days from one source or another. It didn’t have to be like this, but it is. So now what?

There are some actionable things that we can do as individuals to try and help those who have managed to escape Afghanistan, as well as those that remain. We can donate time and money to organizations that are trying to help people survive – whether its back in Afghanistan or trying to forge a new life elsewhere. We can also try our best to the extent that we are able to hold our elected officials responsible for creating this mess over the course of twenty years (if I’ve found anything out on social media in the last year or two, its that bullying upwards can actually work).

Aside from these examples, however, there’s not a lot we can do other than hope for something better someday. We can hope that the resistance does not die out and returns in another shape or form and receives the outside support it needs in order to someday overthrow the Taliban (though I don’t think that should involve any new invasions, suffice to say). We can hope that, just as they’ve overthrown the Taliban and other regimes in the past, the Afghan people will eventually overthrow this one and maybe someday have a government and a system in their country that will bring them peace and safety and the human rights and more that they justly deserve. We can hope for a better system in our own country and others and continue to try and work towards that system – one that wouldn’t create the circumstances that led to August 2021 and interact with the rest of the world in a more just and less imperialistic way.

And finally, tied to all this, we can’t forget. The shame, the regret, the anger, the sadness, and more that I and others feel at watching what has happened – the capstone of twenty years of bad decisions and malintent – we can’t forget any of that. We have to remember what we did and have it fuel our desire for change. Things are going to get worse before they get better, for Afghanistan, for us, for the world. But instead of giving into despair and doomerism and being blackpilled or what have you, we need to take those painful memories and feelings and have them be a motivation to someday, somehow, make a better world. Not a perfect world, but a better one. We need to remember what those in charge now did, so we can try to avoid those actions and make any meaningful attempt at atoning for them. We need to realize we have these feelings because we have empathy for all people the world over and realize we have inflicted awful pain on them and that we want the pain to stop; that we don’t want things like this.

It didn’t have to be like this, and it doesn’t have to be like that again.

[mskatesharma]

Simone's LA Times podcast left me so ambivalent...She was delightful per usual and I'm glad she has some TBA projects so I can support her work elsewhere. But I think I'm finally over the show....

TVWLM is the only Bridgerton book I like, so I was happy to peace out from the fandom after S2. But S2 left me so dissatisfied and Simone and JB have made it seem like they'll have a decent story in S3, so I was gonna stick around. But Simone's reveal that they had written a backstory and flashbacks for Kate—but ultimately scraped it—has just left such a sour taste (compounded by everything else) and IDK that I can't reconcile it anymore. Like do I still want to follow this show?

They've got no problem giving all the white women characters their due (Eloise, Daphne, Penelope, Violet), but Kate, her family, and Lady Danbury have been horrendously written. There's no reason to be optimistic they'll try to course correct next season. Obviously Simone & JB have some idea of what their storyline is (seems she's been permitted to hint about a baby), and it sounds promising when they sell it, but I doubt it'll actually be that substantive/thoughtful...They didn't care to do right by Kate & Kanthony their own season, and now they've got a new central romance plus a million subplots to contend with S3.

Just feeling very disillusioned about a show I once really enjoyed despite its many issues.

I LOVED the LA Times interview, the questions were really good, and they actually asked about stuff other than representation. I also feel like Simone felt comfortable, especially seeing as she offered to tattoo the interviewer lol. I’m so excited to hear about what she has coming up, and I hope there’s an announcement soon because news about Bridgerton is just depressing as shit.

Anon, I am so tired of the shit that we continue to find out after the release of season two. Like it’s no secret that I have my issues with how shit the writing was for season two, but this latest thing is just...yeah. Part of me wonders if the way Simone (and Jonny) continue to bring stuff up is their way of trying to get it included next season? Like trying to force the show’s hand? (Also, I did start answering this ask yesterday but got annoyingly angry and depressed while answering so I had to leave it lol, sorry)

I am so fucking annoyed. And you’re absolutely right, it does leave such a bad taste in the mouth.

And you know what I find quite insidious about the whole thing? Is that they had these flashbacks included in the sides that Simone auditioned with, giving the impression of a somewhat thorough exploration of Kate's background and cause of her trauma and grief, as well as making it seem that Kate's background (including being Indian) and life in India was going to be given consideration, only for them to scrap the scenes entirely once Simone was cast. I honestly find it somewhat disgusting, and to be honest, it makes me feel sick. It’s like they enticed her with those scenes, and the promise of that kind of thoughtful focus, only to get rid of them once she was cast. Those scenes were bait.

And look, I know just because these sides and scenes were used for audtion purposes, doesn’t mean they were always going to be included in the show, but that makes it even worse? I didn't necessarily want flashbacks of Kate's time in India because I didn't trust the show to handle such scenes sensitively enough, but the fact that these scenes were written in the first place and then scrapped, ENRAGES me. It makes me feel violent. They wrote and included this stuff because they knew it was important for Kate's character, to understand her as a character and her motivations, and I don’t understand why it wasn’t included. So we could watch Jack and Portia have the same conversation over and over again? So we could watch any of the other sideplots go nowhere for far too long? WHY DID THEY TREAT KATE’S GRIEF AND TRAUMA AS THOUGH IT WAS MEANINGLESS AND THAT IT DIDN’T MATTER???

The WOC on this show are so poorly served, and I fucking hate it. I think maybe they’re saving Lady Danbury’s backstory for the Queen Charlotte spinoff, but, that’s still shit because not everyone who watches Bridgerton is going to watch the spinoff. Plus, if they keep the main elements from RMB, then Lady Danbury is involved in Polin’s story as well? And it’s gross, because her sole purpose in life is not to be the Bridgertons’ romantic fairy godmother?? Like fuck off with this shit. It’s offensive. I really thought they would expand on Kate and Lady Danbury’s relationship, and have Lady Danbury confide in Kate about her life and why she gave Kate the advice she did after the non-wedding...but they didn’t. And then you have how they treated Kate in HER SEASON. It honestly felt like she was a side character in her own season at times and I just...FUCK.

Like, my expectations for season three regarding Kanthony were already rock bottom, and with everything new that comes out, my expectations just get lower. It’s depressing, and I just...it gets more and more obvious that this show doesn’t actually care about ‘diversity’; for them it doesn’t actually have to be substantive, it’s just icing that they can sprinkle on the top and then ask for the plaudits for their superficial diversity. And it pisses me off that their superficiality gets hardly any traction or criticism.

[webginz]

i will never forgive the opm manga for doing garou so dirty. if we dont get this ^^^ scene EXACTLY like it was in the webcomic im str8 up killing

first of all, he never got his short hair and lost his "wolf ears" which enraged me bc i was so excited for short hair garou in murutas style. but also because it symbolized him losing his evilness and edge. hes a sweet boy now, doing mundane jobs all alone..

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT... they made grampy totally forgive him and have a good relationship w him which... no... not yet... he still needs to have his "im depressed and alone.. but at least im not evil" arc first, fuck you.

i just dont see how were gonna get this (pic) version of garou if he was already forgiven and has a good relationship with everyone???

basically... I WANT MY EMO 19 YEAR OLD ALONE SAD GAROU BACKKKKKKK PLEASEEEE... HIS FIGHT WITH SUIRYU MEANS NOTHING TO ME IF HES HAPPY AND REDEEMED

[ungalossimp]

Ungalo thoughts :

non-verbal headcanons + f/o thoughts

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✧･ I've been semi non-verbal for a while now (autism burnout + trauma response + social anxiety goes brrr). Which means I can't bring myself to talk to anyone, even if I really want to. It even happens when I'm alone.

The words / sentences form in my mind but then I freeze. The words rush in my mind but I can't talk, so it "piles up" in an overwhelming way. It's not only exhausting to talk, it can also feel terrifying - I feel a lot of pressure. I also struggle a lot to maintain eye contact during those moments.

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When things get difficult I imagine Ungalo hugging me / being with me, and it helps a lot. I bet he would understand and help me as much as he can :3

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✧･ He wouldn't force me to talk / get annoyed, and he'd know I can still listen to him - in fact I could hear him talk about his hyperfixation for hours (>ω<✧) ❣

He'd bark at people that try to push me around / get snappy at me because they think that someone being non-verbal gives them the authorization to lash out their frustration at said person. He'd probably bite too at some point x3

(He has the personnality of an overprotective enraged chihuahua with the bite of a crocodile hxhhfcy 🥺)

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✧･ Actually I headcanon that he too can be non verbal. For him it can be triggered by withdrawals / depression / overstimulation, but it also can happen when he's feeling comfy and at peace ; he doesn't feel the need to "mask" by forcing himself to talk.

Finding the words to describe & express his emotions can be a chore, so he's glad he doesn't *have* to do it with me like he does with a lot of people.

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✧･ The other people he's comfortable being non-verbal with are his brothers :3 - even Donatello ! Turns out Ungalo's big brother likes to and pretend to be a jerk, but he's also very protective of his bros and feels very proud that they can count on him (don't tell him it's not just pride, it's also out of love cause he'll Underworld you - he's such a tsundere)

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More explanations / headcanons on Ungalo being semi non-verbal :

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✧･ For him the words often don't form "correctly" in his mind. Sometimes it goes entirely blank - he doesn't know *what* word describe how he feels, or he can't find the words. In theory he *knows* the words, but as soon as he has to speak it becomes a struggle. He sometimes needs a lot of time to 1) analyse the situation / how he feels 2) find the right words. It's one of the reasons why he loves writing so much - words come more easily, and the whole process of writing offers him more time to think about what he's going to say.

✧･ Sometimes the words that come into his mind won't describe his feelings properly, but they escape too quickly because there is no filter between his mind and his mouth when he *has* to talk. It even goes as far as making him say the contrary of what he's feeling. It's like trying to pass and filter a rushing river through a minuscule faucet.

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✧･ Those two situations / reactions might seem very different, but concerning Ungalo they both are a facet of the same coin.

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✧･ Ungalo venting about being semi-non verbal and "people sucking" (+ him talking about Donatello & being proud :3) :

"It's frustrating as fuck, people want me to find shit to say... And then they get pissed at me when it's not perfect enough ??? Motherfucker, I DIDN'T want to talk in the first place ! I only said something cause you made me feel bad for not speaking.

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And when I'm still not talking they think I'm mad at them so they try to start shit and ficking interrogate me ??? It's like... Fuck, you're not my parole officer, I don't owe ya any explanations. I was just vibbin ! But NOW I'm mad because of you, you stupid shit !!!

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God dammit, this is why I don't like people. Hanging around them suck. Well except you babe. Err... And my siblings too I guess - even Donatello.

He's kind of a a jerk but at least he *gets me*, ya know ? Heh, maybe we get eachother really well cause we're both jerks. Also I know he's doing an effort to be less of a jerk to me Riki & Giogio, cause he loves us. It doesn't come easy for him but he really tries to be nice y'know, and I dunno if it's really workin for now, but at least he's trying and I'm so fucking proud of him.

...

Huh... Anyway please don't tell him I said that, cause he's going to kick my butt and I don't want to be burried alive or be stuck in a plane crash or some shit"

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✧･ Usually during those moments we just cuddle and kiss in a bundle of comfy blanket. And we eat sweets while watching cartoons - I like chocolate and Ungalo loves those acid sugary candies that make the mouth feel like it's melting. Ungalo becomes so much more cuddlier, he gets clingy like a little pup.

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✧･ Of course I'm beyond happy to provide all the cuddles he needs. Having a sappy Ungs follow me around is definitely a not a bad experience (◕‿◡✧) ~ ❤️✨.

Coincidentally (/s) , I also happen to make a lot more hot chocolate - which he *loves* - when he follows me to the kitchen.

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✧･ I'm the same as him, when I'm non-verbal I express my affection a lot more physically. But I also get shy out of nowhere, and a lot of things overwhelm me more easilly. It's alright though, Ungalo is patient when it comes to it.

We're holding hands a lot more, and I love to bury my head into the crook of his neck and just... Breathe in (>///<✧) while we chill together. Objectively he doesn't often always smell good, but I like it because it's *his* smell ; it's a huge source of comfort to me (◡‿◡✧) ❣ ✨

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✧･ There are many love languages other than spoken words ; none of the affection we have for eachother will ever be left unexpressed 🥺❤️✨

[posting-cringe]

I clang and crash while washing the dishes; you snap at me to be quieter.

I rage as I wash. fume.

you want me to be quieter you fucking bitch? fuck you. what if i threw every plate as hard as i fucking could at the ground? what if i threw them into the window? what if i ***** **** ** **** ****?

underneath, of course, is shame. i'm a fucking baby. i'm clumsy. i'm stumbling around, breaking every fucking thing i touch because i'm a slovenly inconsiderate stumbling piece of shit who can't be fucking trusted to lift a spoon without somehow fucking it up.

i think you didn't give me a lot of grace when i was little. i think when i didn't know how to do something, because i was young or because i was autistic or whatever, i think you got annoyed at me. i think you got annoyed at me when i broke stuff. i don't remember doing it but i feel the way my body seizes up when i do something that upsets you, and i trace that into the past. i think you made me feel stupid. i think you made me feel clumsy and slovenly and rude and stupid and slow and dull and incompetent and inconsiderate and loud and crude. you made me feel annoying. i think you called me oblivious. you said i didn't have common sense. you made me feel stupid.

you're the oblivious one you horrible bitch. you fucking harpy. you fucking cunt. (shame)

(those are the words i think i think would hurt you most. the misogynistic ones.)

the shame that comes; the helplessness and rage i feel; i feel it because what you say and think about me FEELS TRUE. It feels like you're perceiving something true about me, judging me accurately; it feels like any reaction i have to what you say is somehow "dodging the facts." i have chipped a few plates while being here. you're angry at me for it. in the same way you're angry at ***** for being fat and depressed. you're enraged by it. you're disappointed by it. you're angry i'm not you, bewildered i'm not you.

it's actually insane that you don't understand how fucking judgmental you are. that the tightness and judgment and rage in your voice doesn't register. and when you're trying not to be, i can still hear your voice strain with effort and fear that you're "doing it wrong" - your so fucking up your own ass that your baseline of cruelty anger and dismissiveness is so second nature that going against it is unintuitive and scary.

how do i move out of the shame when the thing you're angry at is something that's true? you're angry at me for chipping dishes that i did in fact chip. you're angry at me for failing to clean when i did in fact wait to clean. and so in your head you say "____ is messy, __ isn't mature, __ doesn't clean up after __self, __ isn't responsible, __ can't be trusted" and then i take it to "__ is a fucking useless shitstain of a human, a waste of fucking space who deserves to be fucking shot in the fucking face like a dog" (that doesn't actually go through my head; where did that come from?! -- but the shame, paralyzing and sick and burning and dissociative but also real -- the shame absolutely comes.)

How do i move out of the shame when you're angry at me for something that's true?

[steveneveral]

Spilling a pitcher of tea...(21 May 2023)

Sometimes you need to be honest about how you feel about people.

You can't just expect them to automatically understand you, often times you have to directly tell them how you freaking feel about them, whether it's good or bad.

I did send a message to the former friend from the "Birthday" incident about wanting to talk, and she knows something is up. She knows she messed up somewhere, she just doesn't know how she messed up. She obviously knows I want to talk to her about something that isn't pleasant, mostly because I left her on read for several months and unfollowed her on my social media.

I will likely talk to her face-to-face in the next few weeks, but for now, I will just have to think about how I am going to break the news to her about what she did from my point of view.

Why is what she did back in December so painful and enraging to me?

Storytime:

About a year before I moved to Korea I was in a relationship with a woman who was quite flaky towards me at times and, I later found out, would often talk shit about me behind my back. In hindsight, I realized she was the definition of a "two-faced person". I only know this because our mutual friends told me about what she said about me and it was a catalyst for them to cut her out of their lives to a high degree. It was bad enough for her to say those things in general, but even her friends were stymied about why she would say those things about me in particular.

But why did the birthday incident from this past December make me so upset and enraged?

Because the woman I was seeing back then pulled a similar stunt. She invited me to her birthday party but also knew I was working late that day and decided to hold her party at a time that would make it difficult for me to get there on time. Not only that, she specifically left that place right when she knew I was getting off of work.

By the time I caught up with my friends who were there, she had already left. I had to contact some friends who were at her party to find out where she actually was. She apparently got too drunk and high and had to take an Uber home. She wasn't answering my messages because she was too drunk and high to realize I messaged her until the next morning. I confronted her about it the next morning and she claimed she "forgot" I was coming to her party. Mind you, we were supposedly a couple at this point in time. You would think I should have been some sort of priority in her life when it comes to things like this, but this wasn't so. I broke up with her that day.

I would receive the shock of a lifetime after I finished playing a rock show a few weeks later.

One of her now-former friends came up to me at the club's bar after I had played a show. I could tell this friend was obviously drunk, but could also tell there was also some other impairment going on, I guessed she was likely on some sort of anti-depressant with her alcohol, likely Xanax or something. Whatever she was on, it caused her to spill a whole fucking pitcher of metaphorical tea about what my ex was doing behind my back while I was dating her.

This friend went into specifics about what my ex said about me behind my back, mainly things she thought about me and wanting to get together with her for things "way too much" and how I was "f*cking annoying". I don't want to repeat all the stuff this friend told me, a lot of it was just harsh and hateful shit. Again, at the time my ex and I were supposedly a couple, but my ex apparently thought otherwise.

This friend then told me something that would really rip my heart out: She told me that while I was dating my ex, she was cheating on me. Bad enough, right? Not only that, she was sometimes "charging" for her services.

Once she told me this, I was shell-shocked. I literally stood there in silence for about 30 seconds.

The friend then went into some specifics about what my ex was doing with those activities behind my back. Maybe this friend made it up because of the alcohol/anti-depressant cocktail she was on, but the friend was insistent on it. She later went into some more details about what she was doing in those situations, and then I told the friend to stop telling me about it because I couldn't take any more input about it. Let's just say some missing pieces fell into place at that moment.

Right after that, I unfollowed and perma-blocked my ex in my messages and social media. This ex tried to send me messages in the months before I moved to Korea, but I haven't responded or answered any of her messages since then, nor will I ever respond.

TL;DR: My former GF invited me to her birthday party, tries to do slick things to keep me from said party, gets too drunk and high and has to go home before I finally arrive at the party, doesn't respond to my messages, call and message her the next day and break up with her over the issue. A few weeks later, one of her friends, likely impaired by alcohol and anti-depressants spills a metaphorical pitcher of tea about what she was doing behind my back while I was dating my now ex, mostly hateful statements, cheating, and possible prostitution. Perma blocked my ex on social media because of this news. Ex tries to message me before I moved to Korea, but never responded to her because eff that.

What really messed me up about what happened back in December is not the fact that this happened to me AGAIN, but I really thought my former friend was better than pulling this shit. When that incident happened back in December, whether it was intentional or not, it ripped the metaphorical scab off that event that happened to me before I moved to Korea. I don't know if she did this shit intentionally, but if it was intentional it really showed me the ugly and malicious person she really is deep down.

As you can tell, I've gone through some shit in my life. Whether it's the casual racism I experienced growing up in Montana and Kansas, the occasionally terrible people I run into, or things like the aforementioned "birthday incident", both the one from before I moved to Korea and the December 2022 incident, the universe loves testing me in really messed up ways.

I've navigated these rough seas before, and I know how to put these events behind me.

I also know not to carry around bitterness and anger for long periods of time. The only reason I am going to talk to the woman from the incident this past December is to get this shit off my chest and out of my soul. I don't like carrying this shit in my mind.

I don't know how she's going to respond to what I have to say to her, and frankly, I don't really care. I need to get this shit off my chest just so I can move on with my life the best I can.

My time is better spent with people who enjoy having me around.

[harmcityherald]

so I also bought two air conditioners for the boys. the one boy, my granddaughter's bf he is the newest member of the manor. his mom is the 'your 18 gtfo' style. he just lost his sister to overdose. this kid only smokes a little weed, which is fine. I saw him cry for his sister. then a few weeks later he said I feel like your my grandpa. 😢 and tonite he couldn't believe I would buy him an ac lol. when it gets hot them bitches will shoot up to 250 and I got them both for 100. I always have room for one more and I never turn a kid away, with exceptions. I said no recently to one. brother don't call for a year then calls only to ask can my stepson move in he is running from haitian drug dealers.....bitch did you call me once through cancer? no you didn't and your one call is hey put your family in danger for me. so I said no. I don't say no much. and here comes the story.

93-94? not sure. band practiced in my basement, yes my kids grew up with a metal/punk/goth band in the basement full swing. I wasn't such a good ring master, this was my alcoholic opium smoking era. so many underage teenagers partied excessively at my place. we brought the cops nightly on noise violations. anyway there were a lot of teenagers, friends of my teenagers. one weekend the party was as typically legendary as always. I had once again from the stage invited 50 people in the bar to an after party at my place. emmy used to be understandably enraged at me, par for the course. party happens. as the sun comes up the conscious people straggle home. it gets to be about 11am and I am dead ass out on the sofa and the door knocks. 3 teenagers. a girl and two guys I don't know. can we party in your basement? im hung over like a gorilla with a cinderblock in my head, its sunday mfing morning and you were just here last nite and I dont know those two. no. not today. and off they go and I crash back on the sofa. jeez. damn kids.

the next day I learn they went to one of these boys house to party and somewhere along the line one of those boys was (supposedly) playing with a 22 rifle and shot that girl in her head. the guilt I felt was unbearable. the depression I went through was horrendous. for months many bar patrons received some undeserved punches from me. it was terrible. and it really affected me. after that I could never ever turn away a kid from my door again. some kids you can't save. but some kids, by some minor interaction you don't know the consequences of, can meet such an end. although you didn't pull the trigger you played a minor role in someone's demise. someone young and beautiful and full of life and a whole life ahead of her. because I said no.

so no kid goes homeless. no woman running from an abusive fuck gets turned away. no stray goes unfed. sometimes it backfires. you help someone and they try to become a squatter and steal your house (meathead) but the backfires are made up for the young person who says if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be where I am. why? why do you do this? I've never met anyone who helped me just to help me. That's what its all about, son. and right now I can. tomorrow may be different. this cabbage is to buy off the greedy brother. but you need an ac mate. its gonna get toasty in there. 100+ yr old house. it is absolutely amazing to me how many kids are thrown to the wind these days. I save who I can, I do filter out the shit, mind you. Haitian drug dealers, jesus fucking christ. and you know? I fucking feel guilty. I am a stupid stupid man.

[spywitch]

lmfao every time I fight with someone I always go through the rollee coaster of initially just being kind of Blindly Angry and having difficulty even processing what happened, to quickly trying to calm that anger and succeeding by empathizing with the other person and rationalizing the whole situation, to then getting angry again when I start realizing that actually fuck them they treated me like shit (or maybe just feeling that way, maybe I’m not actually right lol).

I’m getting so frustrated again after fighting with my roommate, I can’t decide either if I should try to get closure and explain my feelings better to her or if I should just not bother in case her response makes me further enraged. I think I’ve just been so frustrated overall with that constant feeling that I lack any sort of control over my living space outside my room when living with roommates, because I always fear inconveniencing others, but it was so much worse in this situation with one of the roommates actually owning the home. Theres nothing but a constant power dynamic that feels like all of my priorities and desires for how the house should be literally do not matter whatsoever to her, but all of hers are of the utmost importance. And not only are her priorities the only ones that matter, but everything must run on *her* schedule, her timeline of when she is in a productive mood to actually do something around the house. There were SO many projects around the house where I tried to make it clear that I was very willing to participate and help or even just do it all myself, and she would be like “Great yeah lets do that!” and never get back to me and spend weeks or months not communicating with me, scheduling anything, whatever. Until finally one day she decides to do shit and will get angry at me for not taking initiative for her. Like our other roommate will always get her motivated and make her do stuff with her and I’m just like… thats not my job, sorry I am not going to remind you over and over and try to make you do things with me and make all the plans every time.

Like a major thing was after our dogs destroyed the sod (which was a whole thing where she tried to blame my dog almost entirely, even though I have the smallest of our 4 dogs and made sure she didn’t pee on it) we all agreed we should reseed in the fall, and I was like “Yeah I have weekends and fridays off so I can help whenever on those days!” and my EXPECTATION was that others would go “Oh I can do one of those days, lets do it together on ___” or “I’m busy on those days but maybe we could divide the work or something” and instead nobody responded, nobody said or did anything and I was just like. Well like that was me trying. And then finally weeks later my other roommate decides to get together with the girl I’m fighting with’s then bf and do it when I’m at work, and then the one I’m fighting with and her ex are all like “So we’re all doing this right now, what are you going to do Soren” and I couldn’t help but be like um tf, nothing I guess because I’m at work, I told you when I could help and nobody said anything and you start doing it when I’m gone. And this was also like after this summer when Sophia and I also had like gardening plans together and she just never told me where she wanted plants and left them sitting for weeks, and I finally just took the tiny fencing she got for the garden boxes and put it up so I could start my shit bc I was tired of waiting for her and she got Mad At Me because there wasn’t enough fencing left for her entire garden box 😂 like it was nonstop shit like that where it was like Okayyy lets do this thing and she disappears and says nothing about it to me for weeks bc she’s in a depressed funk or something and I’m just like. Okay what do you want me to do.

And it was the same with chores like, weeks and weeks would go by of me keeping up with our chore chart and shit as best as I could with her doing nothing, but as soon as she got a burst of cleaning energy for a week she’d deep clean everything and then find something I didn’t do to bitch about to me, which is how our last fight happened because I fucking already KNEW that was about to happen again because I could hear her vacuuming up a storm. Like the whole house had to run on Sophia’s Mental Health Calendar, fuck everyone else’s rough unmotivated weeks or pleas for her to stop leaving clutter and dishes everywhere the rest of the time. All that matters is that right this very instant of cleaning mania Sophia is upset about x y z that needs done

[ithisatanytime]

Ecco2K - Peroxide (Official Video)

if i quit smoking and soda, and subsisted on rainwater and dust that would be taken from me or shelter or whatever, you understand im getting by on nothing in an impossible situation and what little i have is used as a means to off balance and control me, im not guessing! lol, anyway she needed me to lose my temper (she really went for it) so that i would say something regretful and that regretful thing i said would be the only part of that conflict anyone would be allowed to repeat and never to be forgotten, somehow i am always the reason things are fucked up around here! no matter where around here is! no matter how  little i take or how vastly i contribute! its almost like its totally independent from my own actions. i cant and wont stand for this shit anymore, frankly i might suddenly disappear for a while, and that is a big part of why im talking so extensively about his, should i be suddenly rendered homeless or whatever i dont want it to be a fucking mystery you know. i swear to god i just want to work my way out of this hole but theres no fucking step one anymore, i was on plan z. that doesnt mean all is lost though most of the good shit that ever  happened to me came as a complete surprise.

 also i want to briefly say that when i talk about phenibut its really about psychosis, because after all that went down i was researching it, and while phenibut is notorious for causing repeated and prolonged psychosis i found much more in common than people who temporarily lapsed into psyhosis than with the average phenibut user, for instance i read several stories from people who ended up in a short psychosis for a week or so from nothing more than marijuana and lack of sleep, the point is, i am still recovering, if only slightly, a full year later, thats not a drug thing but it is a psychosis thing, up until last week  i still would get visual disturbances, very minor in comparison to what they were, like whisps of smoke and points of light, thats stopped entirely, but i still cant handle being low on nicotine, i just cant, i mean in the past it made me irritable but now things that used to make me irritable make me enraged, its fading with time though you know. psychosis is an absolute motherfucker and i dont know if ill ever be the same. despite living like a goddamn ghost i literally do not feel social anxiety at all ever anymore, which is nice i hope that lasts but i doubt it will. basically i used to be depressive and anxious and since that whole ordeal when i am feeling negative i get angry instead of anxious or depressed, its a good trade off for the most part. im not invalidating literally anything i said with this i was not raging and i meant every word of it, and tomorrow when i go back to pretending to be retarded ill still mean every word of it.

[faintblueivy]

So Imagine...

A world where Bruce Wayne died as a child in that alley that day, Martha and Thomas Wayne grieve as normal parents. They DO NOT BECOME BATMAN AND JOKER. 

Nothing ever remains the same after losing their little boy. So, Thomas buries himself in his work and Martha drowns herself in depression and pain. They do therapy and it works a little and life becomes bearable but...not happy.

One day, Alfred badgers the couple to go out and relax a little and buys them tickets for a circus - Haly’s circus. Everything was going nice and dandy and Martha was in awe of this little acrobat as much as the rest of the crowd when suddenly the rope snaps and the boy’s parents fall to their deaths - right in front of him and the gathering. Thomas is quick to jump in to see if he could help them in any way but Martha can see it in his eyes that they are as dead as they can be. 

They return to home with heavy hearts and Martha can’t get the image of the little boy out of her head. His skin was a light shade of bronze but his dark hair and bright cerulean blue eyes reminded her so much of Bruce that her heart wouldn’t rest. So a few days later she uses her connections to know if the child is safe and well cared for, when to her immense horror, she is replied that he was shipped to Gotham Juvie due to the lack of foster homes. She is enraged.

She calls Thomas and Alfred and lets them know about the little acrobat’s situation and declares that she was going to adopt him. They hesitate a little but she is not to be deterred as she goes ahead and brings the little boy home. 

Richard John Grayson - Wayne. Or Dick, as he likes to call himself. 

He is adamant that he wants no parents and Martha is fine because not only that she is old enough to be not his mother but also because no child can ever be her Bruce.

“You can just call me Grandma then.” She tells him.

His eyes are wide but he nods and then smiles and Martha, in a long while, has never felt this happy. 

Her new Grandson, despite losing his parents, is a ray of sunshine with unlimited supply of energy and the cold and empty manor is warm and happy again. 

Dick is a little charmer and even after Thomas and Alfred’s initial reluctance, they immediately fall in love with the boy and one day, when Martha comes down to the morning breakfast, she hears a happy, deep rumble - one she has not heard in many years. Thomas is laughing. 

There on the dining table, seated beside Dick, was Thomas laughing. Her eyes water at the scene and Alfred, who is standing beside her offers her a handkerchief. None of them mention how his own eyes are wet too.

 ...

Dick is sixteen, a brilliant boy in academics as much as they disinterest him but an invincible athlete. Martha has been told time and time again that her grandson is undoubtedly a international level gymnast. But he is a teenager.

And teenagers steal their grandparent’s ‘coolest’ car and rush off into the night. But they don’t come back with a little battered and bruised, homeless kid tucked under their arm.

“He had jacked three tires off your car. When I confronted him, he tried to hit me with a tire iron.” He says, amused, as Thomas tries to convince the child to show him his injuries.

“I didn’t do nothin’! He’s a fuckin’ big boob liar!” They boy screams, his blue green eyes glaring daggers at Dick.

“Language.” Both her and Alfred warn simultaneously.

After hours of struggle, interrogation and fuck you’s, Martha learns that the child’s name is Jason. He is twelve. Mother died form drug overdosing and Dad is a petty henchman of some crime lord. He ran away from multiple foster homes because they are so abusive that the child feels safer on streets. 

Martha goes on a rampage over Gotham’s foster care after that. She did not donate millions of dollars annually for children to feel safer on streets. After of lot of talks and reassurances and promises, Martha acquires her second grandchild.

Jason Peter Todd - Wayne. 

Jason is tiny. Malnourished like Leslie said. But he is sharp, observant and hungry for knowledge. Martha and Alfred joke that Jason is Thomas' soul child. Where Dick had loved activity and movement, Jason liked quiet and stability - Martha thinks that running and fighting for survival on streets every single day does that you. So evenings often found her and Dick in the garden but Thomas and Jason in the library pouring over as many books as they can.

And to nobody's surprise, despite their rocky start, the boys become inseparable. They are outwardly different, with clashing interests and behaviors but Martha can see that they both carry the same cores of light.  

When the morning of Dick’s Parent’s death anniversary comes around, both her and Thomas find Jason on Dick’s bed, arms curled protectively around his big brother. For the first time in so many years, Dick wakes up to warmth surrounding him, not nightmares. 

...

Both her grandsons attend Gotham Academy so when she receives a phone call from the Principal, she is half surprised and half not. When she enters the Principal’s office, both her boys are standing on one side, Jason with his head hung in shame and Dick glaring daggers at the other side. The boy who seems to be injured is being coddled by his mother who is shooting nasty glares at her grandchildren periodically. 

Then she notices another small boy standing beside her boys, trying to melt into the wall.

Tim Drake. The only son of Jack and Janet Drake of Drake Industries.    

She arches a questioning eyebrow at Dick who shakes his head and then she turns to the Principal. 

“What happened here?”

“Glad to see you’re here Mrs. Wayne.” The Principal says, pushing his glasses up his nose, “I regret to inform you that your ward Jason Peter Todd attacked this young man here.” He gestures to the other boy. 

“Madam, Gotham Academy is a prestigious school and we do not encourage physical violence here. Yes, it might have been acceptable from where he came from but it won’t be, here. I hope you give us the right to punish Mr. Todd here appropriately.” 

Martha inwardly bristles at the jab at her grandson and says crisply, “Mr. Wayne.”

“What?”

“He’s not just Todd. He is a Wayne. Please remember that.”

“Principal Sir.” Dick cuts in and Martha is confused because as hyperactive as Dick is, he is a mannerly child and knows better than to cut in a conversation like this but what draws her attention is the chilling tone which Dick almost never uses. Dick continues, “Why don’t you tell our grandmother more of your regrets? Or the prestigious Gotham Academy believes that bullying is acceptable.” 

Martha has been told what she needs to know. 

“Jason?” she calls out to her youngest grandson softly, “What happened?”

Jason is quiet when suddenly Tim Drake moves forward. She can see he is scared the way his hands shake but determination shines in his blue eyes. She likes him.

“I want to say something.”

He narrates the tale of how he was being bullied and how the boy on the other side with his mother threw his science project model away and broke it and physically tried to attack him when Jason stepped in to save him. Martha felt nothing but pride at Jason’s righteous indignation. 

Tim also explained that Jason exercised immense control even after these bullies called him ‘street rat’, but the verbal spar intensified after Dick was insulted for his Romani heritage, but it came to fist fight after Thomas and Martha were insulted, and Bruce’s death was made fun of.

Her gaze snaps to the other three occupants of the room and they are all in various shades of pale. Apparently, the Principal had not done his homework.

“Principal” She says icily, “Yes, I give you the authority to punish Jason appropriately but only when this young man here”, she gestures to the boy who was now cowering behind his mother, “Is dealt with in the same way.”

After threatening the Principal in soft words but harsh tone about not tolerating to having her grandsons bullied the next time, she grabs Jason’s hand to drag him away from these people who don’t deserve his company, when her eyes fall on the little trembling Tim. 

She offers him her hand.

He stares at it, shocked but after an encouraging smile from Dick and a small shove from Jason, he takes it shyly.

And since that day, Tim becomes a member of Martha’s family. The boys stay together so much that even Thomas forgets that Tim is not theirs. 

Tim’s upbringing sends Martha’s grandmother instincts on a haywire and she resents the Drakes for their criminal neglect towards Tim. 

It is rewarding that Tim flourishes in their attention. 

She learns that his hobby is Photography and he is excellent at it. And he is a genius when it comes to science, computers and gadgets. He likes crime thrillers movies and books and often picks them apart with his scarily good knowledge about forensics that leave the rest of the family in awe and slightly disturbed. 

The dam breaks when one day Jason and Dick return back from school telling her that Tim was absent today and they are worried about him. When they later sneak into the Drake mansion in the evening, Thomas receives a frantic call from their oldest grandchild that Tim was burning with fever. Because Thomas is a doctor, they save Tim before anything serious happens.

This time, it is Thomas who sues the Drakes for Tim’s custody after him and Jason had, had enough of ‘Timbo’s shitty parents’.

“Timothy?” Martha brushes his sweat soaked forehead gently. “Would you like to be a member of our family legally?"

Tim is hesitant about this but he admits that he likes Wayne manor much better than he ever liked Drake mansion. He confesses that he loves Jason and Dick as brothers and sees Martha, Thomas and Alfred as his grandparents as well.

The long custody battle ends with both Jack and Janet Drake dying at the hands of two different tragedies, leaving Tim an orphan, but also with a loving family consisting of three grandparents and two brothers by his side. 

Timothy Jackson Drake - Wayne is adopted into the Wayne family as her and Thomas’ third grandson.

...

A year after they adopt Tim, Thomas comes home with a small girl on his side. She is clearly an east Asian in heritage with dark hair and dark eyes and is speech deprived. Thomas is clearly distressed after Cassandra - her name is Cassandra - is safely secured in warm bed in a nice room across Jason’s. He calls her, the three boys and Alfred to his study to explain about the small girl. 

He talks about how Gordon brought the girl to him and after hours of wordless, signed and clumsily sketched on paper conversations with the little girl they were able to determine that Cassandra was hiding from her father who was an assassin and wanted to drag the little girl down the same path before she ran away. The more he talks about the damage and abuse the girl had experienced at the hands on her own father, the more furious Martha becomes. When Thomas’ explanations ends, Jason slams a punch into the wall making a dent but no one has the heart to reprimand him for that. 

The following morning, Martha can see that her three boys have unanimously decided that they are adopting Cassandra as their sister. She is treated like a Princess, and given the nick name ‘Cass’. 

Slowly but surely, Cass learns what it means to love through Dick’s bright kindness, Jason’s quiet protection and Tim’s infinite patience. After her father is finally apprehended, the family celebrates.

Cassandra Wayne, soon after, becomes the beloved Wayne Princess of Gotham. 

Martha and Thomas often accompany their only granddaughter to her speech therapy lessons, so after six months of her adoption, at dinner, she places a kiss on everyone’s forehead - her three brothers and three grandparents, stands at the head of the table and croaks out, slowly, “Thank...thank you.” All of them stare at her flabbergasted, but it appears that she was planning to shock them even more.

“You...Love. Love you...”

The silence that follows her broken but sure words is deafening. Surprisingly it is Tim who breaks it as he scrambles out of his chair and launches himself at Cass, wrapping his arms around her and both Jason and Dick follow him, grabbing both their youngest siblings fiercely.

A quiet sob breaks her out of the trance and she smiles when she watches Thomas furiously wiping his tears from the sleeve of his shirt. The last time he     had cried was at Bruce’s funeral. And Martha is infinitely grateful that this time these are happy tears. 

...

Sometimes Martha wonders what would have happened if Bruce had lived. If these children are her grandchildren then does that mean they are Bruce’s kids? Had Bruce lived, would he have accepted these gaggle of kids that her and Thomas have collected over the years as his own? Would he have kids of his own? 

Her questions are answered when one day she hears a slight commotion in the entrance is surprised to see a young woman with a sword threatening Alfred.

“I want to meet the Master of this house. Let them know immediately.” She demands in an authoritative but silky voice, and Martha suddenly sees the Toddler clutched in her arm. 

“What is it?” Martha speaks as soon as she can when the woman notices her. She looks surprised for a second but immediately schools her features as the baby fusses.

“You’re alive.” She whispers and before any of them could make an indignant comment about her wordings, she says, “It appears that I might have traveled in to the wrong universe.”

Now that is interesting. Martha lives in a world where they are protected by aliens...so, it is certainly worth hearing for. 

Martha offers the young lady an invitation for tea which she accepts. She notices how the woman carries herself with lethal grace and dignity as if she was a Princess but much more. As they sit and Alfred leaves to bring the promised team Martha notices how the woman’s eyes sweep over the place. 

“How may I help you?”

Her voice attracts the attention of the toddler and this time, he is not clutched tightly enough to his mother’s chest to turn his small head and look at her. Martha gasps. Because the child looks too much like Toddler Bruce. But instead of the blue eyes like her son, this child has glowing green ones, like his mother. But still, the resemblance is uncanny. 

“Yes, he is your son’s.” The woman answers the unasked question.

She is explained the existence of Multiverse, and it’s workings and how Bruce survived instead of them in that world, met Talia (the woman’s name is Talia Al Ghul) and had a child but had to leave. Talia mentions the reason she came here was because her son’s life was in danger and Talia’s father wanted to raise her son as an assassin Prince and a tool for him to use. Talia’s solution to protect her son was for her to give her son to the Bruce of this world to raise, since the Bruce of that world had gone missing.   

“I can raise him.” Martha suddenly declares and the woman looks at him shocked. “I will not raise him into a life of violence but I can certainly protect him and give him a happy civilian life.”

Talia looks unsure, hesitant, but says, “I...have been a warrior since the day I can remember. Never once have I ever thought of my son not being a warrior. He was...born to be one.” 

Martha smiles. “He doesn’t have to be one. Yes, his life will be infinitely different than the one you imagined but...he will be well loved and protected. I can assure you of that.”

“Damian.” Talia whispers as he deposits the baby in her arms after a lot of consideration. “His name is Damian.”

She looks at her son tenderly one last time and places a kiss on his forehead and Martha’s heart breaks a little for the young mother. 

“Will you return back for him?” Martha asks as she follows the Talia to the door.

“No.” Talia whispers, her voice strained. “I will not. Any action taken by me is monitored by my father closely. If I return back, then he might know that I have left Damian here and I cannot let that happen. He is yours, forever.”

Martha gives her a sad smile. “You’re a brave and good mother Talia. Thank you for doing what is best for your son.”

She nods, not turning to look at Damian one last time as she leaves the manor grounds, never to return. 

Martha looks at the baby secure in her arms and her lips quirk up into a grin at the sight of two curious green eyes watching her with interest. 

“Welcome to the family, little Damian.”

When she introduces the new addition to the family, Thomas is dumbfounded. Dick is ecstatic at the prospect of having a new baby brother, Jason is secretly pleased, Cass is happiest and Tim looks unsure.

That’s how Damian Wayne - Al Ghul joins the family.

Damian fits in their home spectacularly. After few days of hesitation, like he had with Dick, Thomas takes to Damian quickly. He has an epic competition going on with their eldest grandson to become the baby’s favorite. Damian refuses to sleep without Thomas but his tantrums are only controlled and won over by Dick. Damian loves Jason manhandling him and giggles happily when the older boy throws him in the air or swings him around. Damian loves Cassandra because she knows what he wants before any of them do. And Cass loves to carry her little brother around to watch birds and animals in the manor grounds.

The only person Damian seems to not get along with is Tim and the older boy seems not be fond of him either. Because Damian wants everything Tim does and the older brother has to compromise for Damian every time. But Martha has to bite laughs a lot now a days because almost everytime Damian falls asleep, it is with Tim in vicinity. And she has caught the older boy tenderly covering Damian in his favorite blanket more often than not. Martha thinks that this is kind of cute but keeps her opinion to herself. 

Her little grandson is quite protective of his siblings though. Anytime someone upsets any of his siblings, they are threatened with scowls, growls and even bites and stabbings in extreme cases.

Like last time when Mrs. Park made fun of Cassandra’s  speech impairment, Damian almost bit her finger off. Damian hates one of Dick’s racist colleague (they all do) so much that anytime the man enters his field of vision, the first thing Damian gets his hand on is thrown at the guy’s head. With deadly precision. And last time when Mr. Link had called Jason ‘street rat’ for personally volunteering charity work for poor and homeless, Damian had smeared his juice and drool covered hands on the Man’s thousand dollars suit. And when one time, a reporter had infiltrated a Gala and chased Tim around to ask uncomfortable questions about his parent’s death and the Wayne’s involvement in it, Damian, noticing Tim’s distress had stabbed the reporter with a fork with no hesitation. 

Martha is still not sure if she should encourage or reprimand Damian for that.

...

As she sits on the head of the table with Thomas on her side and Alfred on the other end, she wonders how miraculous it is for her to have all these children in her life. 

Dick is engaged in an animated conversation with Stephanie who was introduced to the family as Tim’s girlfriend. Barbara, the daughter of James Gordon and Dick’s girlfirend/or not was helping Cass pile up food on her plate. Damian and Tim were bickering over something as usual but Jason trying to hide his snickers in guise of drinking water which made Martha sure that the something was Jason’s doing.

These people were her family. The ones she had gained after losing Bruce. She wonders, if there was a universe where Bruce got to meet her grandchildren. 

Would he accept them? As family? 

Would he love them? As family? 

She brightly smiles when the multiple sets of eyes turn to her waiting for her to blow the candle.

“Happy Birthday Martha.”

Thomas says warmly, his voice thick with emotion and she meets his gaze and sees the love, affection and thankfulness in his eyes for this family that they had created after their earth shattering loss. She knows what she wants as she blows the candle on the cake flickering in front of her.

I wish for us to be family in every universe.