#cuz I sure am heh

[vos0q]

❤️

[gothic-thoughts]

Music To My Ears

Gojo Satoru x Black GN Reader Smut

MDNI, Perv Coworker!Gojo, Bimbo!Reader

CW: all the dirty words(he's a whore), stupid and oblivious Reader, Gojo jerking 📴 to your voice, reader being fluent in Yapanese 😭, imma degrade y'all cuz u lack brain cells

Word Count: 1,191 (give or take)

It was 11 pm, and you were on the phone with your coworker, Satoru. You've been talking for about an hour now, but after a while, you noticed soft huffing and heard soft panting. Since there's not much going on up there, all you thought to do was tilt your head to the side with confusion. You shrug it off and continue to yap, but the longer he listened, the more he groped and palmed his erection through the grey sweats he wore.

“Uh, Gojo?” Your first mistake was saying his name.

“Yeah? What’s up, girlie?”

“You good?"

"Say again?" He heard you perfectly fine, but you can't tell can you?

"I asked if you were good. You workin' out right now?"

“Hah, yeah.” He responds before muttering, “I'm workin' somethin', ngh."

“Huh? You keep mumbling, Toru.”

"Hehe, don't worry about it." More panting "Just...continue your story."

You shake your head, believing his panting really came from a workout regimen, knowing damn well the strongest sorcerer don't need one.

“So like I was saying...”

He chuckled and made a low growling noise as he reached into his sweatpants, feeling how damp his boxers were from how much precum soaked into them. He bit his lip, slowly pulling out the erection that you caused from that voice you blessed him with. Every inflection, filler word, and gasp when you remembered another part of your story drove him so wild.

“And then I was like, ‘Ohmygod, Shoko’s not working for once?’ So I ran up to her...”

He grunts, trying his best to keep his voice away from the whiney territory he knew it could rise to if he felt too good. To you, his breathing sounded a bit...off, as if it sounded heavy and...well, different than normal. But he was working out, of course, he’d sound like that.

“The only reason I hesitated was because I feel like she don’t like me...”

With every passing moment, his fist passed over his shaft while his left hand kept a firm hold around his base, keeping him from exploding too soon, and with how often you clicked your tongue or sucked your teeth, he could’ve at any moment.

“Do you think she likes me; ion think she likes me. Anyways, though...”

The grunting sound only grew in pitch as the groans started to sound more...animalistic, mouth forming a smirk. He whispers your name, guiding his hand up and down his cock a little faster, getting the palm sticky with precum.

“Toru...” The concern in your voice makes his hand stop, “You sure you okay?

He bites his lip as he moans softly, watching another drop of precum squeeze out his tip and slide down to his still fist. "Yeah... heh...” 

“You huffin’ like a dog.”

“Oh sorry. I’m doing... I’m doin’ some push-ups right now so..." 

"Ohhhh, aight."

"Keep talking, short stuff."

"You even listening, Gojo?"

"Of course I am, I can, ngh, multitask."

"Mmm..."

The little hum of yours made him bite his bottom lip so hard that it bled. "I mean it, girlie." He sighs, "Hanging on every word. You were talking about your shopping spree."

"Oh yeah! I got a bunch of clothes with Utahime today! And they are the fuckin’ cutest! Like, there’s one that was...”

He groaned quieter as he heard you continue on, pumping his hand up and down to the speed your excited voice spoke. His fist twists with each stroke, grinding his red, sensitive cockhead into his palm which makes him shiver. The sound of his breathing had become noticeably heavier and deeper. He didn't respond just yet, instead, he only let out low grunts and 'mhm's in response to what he heard you say. He started to lift his hips from his bed, fucking his fist while pretending it was him making you ride him.

“And I got new lip gloss. Like a lot of lip gloss; cuz you know me...”

He did, in fact, know you; meaning that you prolly got almost every color, scent, and flavor imaginable just to try out. That sentence was all it took for the strongest sorcerer's mind to switch from thoughts of how good you'd feel bouncing on his long dick to how soft and wet your mouth was. You talk so much so it's gotta be moisturized as hell, not like he wouldn't make you use so much spit it made the colors on your lips smear around his veined shaft.

He whined into the speaker as you rambled, but TRUST he was listening. His eyes were rolled back, his hand began pumping faster, massaging the swollen head of his cock while his free hand gripped the base. He wanted to smear that lip gloss, stick, whatever so bad; just the thought of leaving your plump lips and chin stained with white and whatever other color made his full balls tense.

"H-hey, short stuff? You think you can you count down from 10 for me?"

"Yeah, why?"

"For my workout, remember?"

"Ohhh, right." You let out another oblivious giggle, "I forgot about that."

"Y-yeah, I'm, uhm, planking... and I'm al-most....done. Count for me."

"Kaykay. Ten.... nine..."

His hand slows down, trying to time his orgasm with that sexy voice. Gojo groaned and grunted, letting it all out since your dopey ass wholeheartedly believed he was tired from overexertion.

"Eight... seven..."

"Yesss~" He whispered, "Suck it, baby girl, that's it. Show me those eyes."

His breath got shallow as he looked down at his thighs, imagining you were scratching at them while your glazed-over eyes blinked up at him.

"Six... five..." 

"Yeah, not a fuckin' thought behind them, huh? F-uck, lemme give your mouth somethin' else to do."

Unable to help himself, he speeds up his hand, coating his entire dick in his own precum. His back arches from the bed as his hips thrust up, fucking his fist as you got close to one.

"Four.... three..."

"So fucking close, s'fuckin' close. I'm...gonna...cum. W-wanna cum in your mouth, baby please."

"Two... one."

"Ah, shiiit!!"

He let a resounding, drawn-out growl as pent-up cum spurts from his cock, shooting across his slim fingers. He continued driving his shaft through his fist, body shaking on his bed as his load continued to spill over his hand. He finally calms down, resting on his bed, and looking down at the cum all over his abs and lower stomach, clinging to his happy trail and pubes. 

"Damn," Your voice snaps him out of it, "Did you hurt yourself, Toru? That sounded painful?"

"N-no, I'm okay just...." He gulps thickly, collecting himself, "J-just planked longer than I could handle, heh."

"Was that okay? Did I count too fast or...?"

"Haah, no. It was perfect, girlie, th-thanks."

"Oh... uhh..." You tilt that empty head of yours, "What was I saying...?"

"You were talkin' 'bout... gettin' some clothes from Utahime... I think?"

"Oh, yeah! Then I was talkin' bout lip gloss!"

"Yeah, yeah." His cock slowly starts to harden again, putting a tired, yet devious smirk on his face, "Tell me what colors you got."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(a/n): eat up.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Cater, Ruggie: The Secret in a Smile

Caycay, bestie… I am so sorry that SSR Crowley stole your spotlight 😭 (Is that why Cater looks so Mean Girls in his groovy... He's seeking petty revenge against Crowley/j)

Some cute stuff from the vignettes that I wasn't able to include in this fic: Cater makes a reference to TsumTsums! He mentions being into this mobile game with cute round creatures. Cater also tells a story about a 5-year old girl giving him a flower after his club's performance at a cultural festival (omg, do they mean the one in book 5?!). Ruggie teases him and says Cater must have been that little girl's first crush 😂

A Tale as Old as Time.

“Ne, ne, Ruggie-kun! Check this one out~ It's all the way from the Queendom of Roses!"

Cater jabbed a thumb at a painting of a young blonde girl dressed in a modest sky blue frock and apron, a small black bow in her hair. She couldn’t have been older than 10 years of age, still petite enough to squish inside a glass bottle with a narrow neck. The bottled child was adrift in a sudsy sea, her face frozen in an expression of slight worry.

Ruggie took one look at the artwork, then wrinkled his nose. “Sure sucks to be in her shoes. What’s this even supposed to show us, anyway? Doesn’t make a whole lotta sense to me.”

"Not a lot from the Queendom does if you aren't already familiar with its topsy-turvy stories~" Cater placed a hand on his hip and leaned forward, grinning. "This one is pretty popular! It's about a girl that wants an audience with the Queen of Hearts. She gets lost on the journey there, meets strange people and experiences even stranger things on the way. This is just one leg of that trip!"

"Wouldn’t the castle be further inland? How'd she end up in the middle of the ocean?"

“It’s about the perspective of the shot.” Cater formed a frame with his hands, catching his underclassman in it. He pulled back, creating the illusion of sizing Ruggie down. “She drank this bottled liquid she found and that shrank her down—so really, the ocean isn’t that big.”

A grimace.

“Man, talk about no sense of self preservation. She just chugged an unlabeled bottle without a second thought. Must’ve been real desperate.” Ruggie paused. “Weeeell, not like I’m one to talk about being desperate. You really can’t afford to be picky sometimes. If it fills your stomach, it fills your stomach.”

“You’d drink it too, huh… I don’t think I could do that. I’d at least want to see how the menu describes it before I order—though I guess it also depends on how ‘cammable the drink is! And hey, think about all the cool pics I could grab from a worm's eye point of view!”

"Heh, you don't seem too pressed about living life as an ant."

"Cay-kun likes to look on the bright side of things!" he declared with a wink and a peace sign. "The lost girl... she worried so much about finding her destination, she forgets to stop and smell the roses. She overlooks a lot of the fun people she could have spent time with."

Hopping from place to place, missed people—familiar elements, resurfacing a childhood of being uprooted and dragged about. Never to fully settle.

A tea party here, a brief convo there. Just enough to keep him placated, but not enough to see beyond the surface of the looking glass.

His curiosity still left wanting.

She got into so much trouble, but didn't have any real friends to come and help her.

Sadness tugged at his heartstrings, but Cater's smile didn’t waver.

"... I can’t help but kinda pity the poor thing," he said quietly. Then, brightening in the next moment, "All her issues could've been avoided if she just looked before she leapt and made some connections."

“Yeah, she definitely should’ve played smarter, not harder. Maybe if she kissed up to the locals, they’d have come to her rescue." Ruggie shrugged. "It works for me and Leona-san."

“Right? A smile goes a long way to getting what you want!” Cater poked the corners of his mouth. “You totes get me.”

“Cuz it takes a trickster to know another one on sight.”

"Wow, it sounds so mean when you put it like that. We're not tricksters, we just know how to use our smiles to problem-solve~"

"Giving a word a fresh coat of paint doesn't make it any less shady. At least be honest with yourself," the hyena smirked.

“Eeeh, I’m always honest!”

They shared a laugh—Ruggie, a snicker. Cater, lighter, more bubbly, like a carbonated mystery drink. When the effervescence died down, he cast another glance at the painting.

Too big for her small world of the sea, too small for the big world that loomed beyond it. Trapped within glass walls. Curled into herself in her delicate chambers.

Her perspective and his, one and the same.

Poor thing, poor thing, poor thing.

Cater summoned his strength and bore the full brunt of his smile.

“I’m sure she’ll find what she’s looking for… one day.”

[lewkwoodnco]

Be More - George x Reader

"Er...I think this dough's ready to be cut into the strips."

"Yes, chef."

He coughed awkwardly, too uncomfortable to come up with any decent sort of response.

a/n: am soooo salty i fell sick in the middle of my 12 days of fics '23 for xmas last year :((( so im giving myself a lil treat by doing a short series of valentine's fics! i SO don't know how souffles work if you can't tell so pls don't come for me, and a special special thanks to lisa @neewtmas for the apron idea heheh. all fluff, which is why I got all my angst fics out of the way beforehand if you'd like a lil palate cleanser :) also totally didn't make this a songfic cuz i was struggling to find a title :} btw I headcannon that george randomly zones in and out in everyday life and this has nothing to do with how much I may or may not do this myself ALSO was strongly influenced to post this earlier by the multiverse of George aka @oblivious-idiot @bella-rose29@bobbys-not-that-small heh

warnings/tropes: lockwood and george bromance supremacy!!! baking, lots and lots of valentine's day fluff, awkward georgeeeee

word count: 2.8k!

TAGLIST | MASTERLIST

Lucy handed George a steaming cup of tea, which he gratefully accepted. The three of them were having breakfast as usual, and with the last strains of winter fading, Portland Row's kitchen was entirely too bright. He closed his eyes, pretending he didn't see the way Lockwood's hand lingered on Lucy's when taking his mug. They were bad enough on any normal day, but even worse nowadays, with Valentine's Day drawing achingly closer. He felt himself begin to nod off again from the gentle and comforting steam.

He felt a mild rap against his cheek, which he turned to see is from a well-aimed sugar cube launched from across the table by Lucy. He looked up to see her staring hard at him and Lockwood poorly concealing a snigger with his cup of tea.

"George. Have you or have you not got any plans for Valentine's?"

He takes his time wiping his glasses on his shirt sleeve before responding. "Nothing much. Though I've promised Y/N I'd spend the day with her."

He watched Lucy's expression carefully, and she seemed to be watching his. Truth was, with Valentine's drawing closer and closer, George was going into a mild panic. He hadn't exactly arranged it intentionally. They had been having a quiet chat on a morning when George had been too tired from the previous night's case to strictly follow, and suddenly she was waving goodbye, promising to see him next on Valentine's Day.

He had no idea what kind of a Valentine's Day he had agreed to, or how much of a filter he had had, and he had been dropping Lucy desperate cries for help, with decreasing subtlety. Was it a date? Was she expecting a date? Sure, they had went to that play together after Lucy fell mysteriously ill, and maybe they met up for lunch once a week. But she never referred to

His eyes slowly drifted close as Lucy and Lockwood's conversation morphed into gentle white noise, enjoying the warmth of the little sun streaming through their kitchen window. It felt nice to have a little break from his intense week of baking -

Baking! George snapped wide awake, clumsily climbing out of his chair and feverishly counting the stacks of meticulously wrapped, frilly pastry goodie bags lining the kitchen counter. It had become an annual Valentine's Day tradition for George to construct these small goodie bags of baked goods for a sizeable chunk of his extended family. He even roped in Lucy and Lockwood, and as Valentine's Day approached they'd all gather around the kitchen table at night, even if it was after a case, packing the delicaices George had spent the day baking, until one of them started dropping off.

It was tedious work, but they enjoyed it and were well invested in it - Lockwood fiercely so. When a cousin had remarked that perhaps the tradition was becoming a little tired at a family gathering last Christmas, Lockwood had accidentally-but-not-really smacked his head. George relaxed as he neared towards the end of the pile - just one more day of baking, and he'd be ready to send them off.

Lucy and Lockwood were mostly finished with breakfast anyway, so he chased them out of the kitchen and got to work. Once George had his first batch of cookies in the oven, he started planning for the supplementary baked goods. For instance, he was going to make a chocolate souffle for the three of them to share over a midnight supper tomorrow.

So when the kitchen door swung open, letting in a blast of cold air, George spun around scathingly, ready to threaten Lockwood with deflated souffles. But the hiss at the tip of his tongue withered when he saw who it was.

"...Y/N?"

"Hello. Baking, are you?"

George suppressed the urge to shield the vast volumes of confectionary goodie bags littering the kitchen's surfaces.

"...yes." With some difficulty, he slowly resumed his movements, explaining how this was something he did every year. In a way, he was grateful to have something to do with his hands, because the last minute or so reminded him that he had no idea what he normally did with his hands while standing.

"Oh. Need any help?"

It took George another half-minute to process her question. "With what?"

"With the baking, obviously."

"Uh...s'alright, I've got it all handled."

"No, please, I'd love to help."

George paused mid-stir, looking comically perplexed with a smidge of flour on his nose. "What for?" He bit his tongue, hastily back-pedalling since his tone sounded aggressively suspicious. "What I mean is, you wouldn't want to spend your day here, sweating like a pig - not that you sweat, and definitely not like a pig, no - I'm the one sweating like a pig..."

What he wanted to say was, their oven was ancient and so made the kitchen stupid hot every time he baked, but failed miserably. He set down his mixing bowl in defeat. Almost instantly, she stifled a giggle, trying to pass it off as clearing her throat, and George followed her gaze to his apron in horror. What the mixing bowl had previously been hiding was the horrendously cheesy 'kiss the cook' graphic on his apron.

It had been a ridiculous gag gift from Lucy, one that he had never intended to use but was forced to after his last apron caught on fire from one of his experiments with the skull. Bursting into flames would have been more useful now, He stood there, eyes watering from the heat, determined in his refusal to acknowledge both the apron and the smile she was doing a poor job of suppressing.

"Fine. You can start with the cookie batter."

About a minute or two later, it occurred to George that perhaps it would have wise to ask how much experience she had with baking. Not a lot, he soon discovered, when her bowl nearly flew off as soon as she switched on the egg beater. He dropped his mixing bowl instantly, waving away her apologies.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't expect it to be so powerful."

He cautiously adjusted her grip on the bowl, gently guiding her fingers to a better hold.

"No, no, it's my fault. Not much of a baker?"

"...no."

"Okay, so what you do is, use one hand to hold the - other hand - hold the bowl, and the other holds the egg beater like - no, not quite."

He took a step closer, placing his hands over hers, trying to ignore the warmth radiating from her body, and the smell of her shampoo.

The last time they had been this close was on their way home from that play. With Lockwood out of town for a client meeting, and Lucy developing a mysterious case of the flu, it was only the two of them crouched under a tiny umbrella as they walked home after the play. George would have been more than happy to walk in the rain, but she was the one holding the umbrella, and was firm in her resolve to not send him back to Lucy with a head cold. With the little space between them, their cheeks brushed against each other occasionally, sending a jolt running through the side of George's face.

"Well...this is me."

George nodded dumbly, staring hard at the chips in her front door's paint, agonisingly aware of her looking at his face. He didn't dare turn to meet her gaze; they were far too close.

"I had fun today, George."

He sighed and briefly zonesout. As short as their chat was, he remembered very little, his focus only returning when she pulled her key out.

"We should do this again sometime," she was saying, as she turned the key in her lock. When he finally looked at her, there were the tinies raindrops on her eyelashes. There was something so pure and unassuming about the sight that it tugged at his heart. It made him want...more. More with her. With a brief smile, she disappeared into her home, leaving him standing alone in the rain. He stood there for a minute, prolonging the moment for some unidentifiable reason. It was a nice door. She had a nice smile.

It was as though she had read his thoughts from his eyes, for a faintly embarrassed air hung in the kitchen after that. For the next better part of an hour, they engaged in this delicate dance as they floated through the kitchen, carefully staying out of each other's way, never in the same area for long. It wasn't until she was sifting the dry ingredients that they next spoke.

"Hang on, that might be too much flou-"

As George touched her elbow, her hand jerked, sending a sizeable chunk of flour into her mixing bowl, along with a cloud of it directly in her face. He was sorry, of course, but as she spluttered and tried to blink through it, he couldn't stop the amused twist to his features. When she caught his eye, she rolled her eyes and sent a fistful of flour into his eyes. Now it was her turn to laugh as George groaned through the smarting.

"You're right, Mr. Cook, it IS hilarious!"

George scoffed, struggling to maintain his sanctimonius, above-petty-acts front as he wiped his glasses clean with as much dignity as he could muster. But on the inside, his defences were crumbling fast.

"You're acting like a child."

She looked mildly apologetic for a moment, and George felt a flash of truimph, before she raised both her flour-coated hands and resolutely streaked them across George's face.

"Egg on your face. Or should I say, flour?"

With that, all pretenses of civility were thrown out the window. The both of them swept up as many ingredients as they could and migrated to opposite ends of the kitchen table, pelting each other with everything that could be pelted. George landed a few well-aimed chocolate chips into her hair. She soaked the front of his apron with half a jug of milk, which was nearly enough to send him into hysterics. So it went on and on and on, until they ran out of supplies in their immediate reach, before resorting to shoving each other's faces into bags and tins of baking soda and powdered sugar. This, it occurred to George as he was rubbing cornstarch into her red, wheezing face, is strangely intimate.

Again, there was this tugging sensation in his chest, the kind that made him want to sit in his armchair for anywhere from half a minute to half an hour. The kind of sensation that could not be held in words. The closest he could get was the wish for a never-ending summer, or perhaps orchards full of cherry trees as sweet as the first pick. But even that fell short.

Just as she raised two fistfuls of sprinkles, the kitchen door swung open. Lockwood wandered in, looking sharp as ever in his too-small suit. The two of them smoothly parted, their faces burning under the flour, and George suddenly became very interested in the pastry dough he was kneading. He felt rather than saw Lockwood looking back and forth between the two of them, wishing that he'd just take whatever he needed from the kitchen and got out. But of course, he knew better than to engage in wishful thinking, especially with Lockwood's mildly gormless smile plain as day. "Hang on. George, you do realise that-"

Whatever it was that Lockwood was wondering if he had realised was cut off by the jam tart George shoved into his mouth, because the answer was probably yes, Lockwood, of course I realised that completely inane observation.

"Out. Out. I won't have you compromising the integrity of my kitchen." With a little difficulty, George wheeled a spluttering Lockwood littering soft pastry flakes all over his clean kitchen floor out into the hallway. He shut the door firmly and turned back apologetically, only just seeing the flour in her hair as she watched on amusedly.

"I sure hope I'm not starting up a ruckus - or was it compromising the integrity? - of your kitchen."

George felt his cheeks warming as he returned to the kitchen table. "No, of course not. You never know where Lockwood's been, is all. You're different."

Had he been standing this close to her the whole day, he wondered, close enough to see the pretty flakes in her eyes, softer than any pastry he could make? How was he supposed to look away? And how did he stand it?

"Er...I think this dough's ready to be cut into the strips."

"Yes, chef."

He coughed awkwardly, too uncomfortable to come up with any decent sort of response, embarrassedly muttering something along the lines of how there was no need for any of that. As she got absorbed into getting the strips of dough just right, George glanced at the kitchen door, to see Lockwood silently making exaggerated kissy faces at him. George picked up his rolling pin and Lockwood fled immediately, without so much as a creak from the floorboards.

Now, they finally returned to their baking with proper focus, now that they were all tired out. She seemed to have picked up some skills pretty quickly, though he still kept an eye out in case she might do something that would, say, set her hand on fire.

An hour or so later, the phone started ringing obnoxiously in the hallway. With some difficulty, George peeled off one of his disposable gloves on his way to it. When he picked up the phone, he almost wished he hadn't, because it was that same cousin from last Christmas' gathering. As his voice wore on and on, George started wishing he had let Lockwood give him another punch or two, just to set him straight.

Suddenly, he picked out a few startling words from his cousin's nasally voice, which made his heart plummet, as the calendar in the hallway came into startling focus. He wandered back to the kitchen door, numbly hearing his cousin's complaints of why no one's goodie bags had reached yet. He blankly stared at her, and she stared back confused, slowing down her cutting of the strips concernedly. After a second or two, he hung up the phone, but was in too much shock to lower it.

"Today's date," he whispered.

"Hm?"

"Today's date. It's not the 13th. I thought it was the 13th. Today is the 14th. Valentine's day was today, not tomorrow."

Even as he was saying those words, the calm look on her face told him exactly what he had feared - that she had known all along.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought this was what you wanted to do!"

"Unpaid labour."

"What?"

"You spent your Valentine's Day doing exhausting, difficult, unpaid labour." He clumsily placed the phone down on the kitchen counter, struggling to find the right words as he fought against the embarrassment. "I am so sorr- just a minute, I might have some loose change somewhere here-"

"Don't." George was spiraling with shame, kicking himself for his oversight, and she still had the gall to look that pretty and kind. "I didn't mind any of it one bit, I promise."

"I promised you something fun."

"George, this is the most fun I've ever had baking, and I've been making pineapple upside down cakes since before I could - oh."

She broke off when she finally looked up to see the growing shock on George's face. She nibbled at the inside of her cheek nervously, trying to gauge his reaction.

"So you do know how to bake."

"Only a little?"

He took in the sight of her apologetic smile, the careful dusting of flour on her face and her suspiciously clean clothes. "You could have said."

"Oh, but I was having so much fun." George rolled his eyes. "I spent the day learning how to construct the most adorable pastry goodie bags I have ever seen, and I did it all with my boyfriend. Believe me, it doesn't get more fun than this."

Not for the first time that day, George stared at her in wonder, like he couldn't quite figure out how she was real. Even now, when all she was doing was merely existing, words failed him. He had a feeling he'd spend lifetimes chasing shadows, trying to pin what was gone before it bloomed, and he still wouldn't be able to find the right words. There was no other way to put it, or colour it - he wished they were more.

He hesitantly extended his hand, brushing just a speck of the huge handprint of flour on her face with his thumb. He turned, walking out into the hallway, but then just as immediately wheeled back.

"Your WHAT?"

TAGLIST: @dangelnleif @elenianag080 @snoopyluver20 @ell0ra-br3kk3r @avdiobliss @mitskiswift99 @ahead-fullofdreams @neewtmas @mischivana @houseoftwistedspirits

[sirfrogsworth]

The Babylon Bee School of Comedy

Have you ever wanted to make Elon Musk reply to you with a double cry laughing emoji?

If you crave that sweet billionaire validation you need only follow this carefully crafted conservative comedy content creation course for that powerhouse of online satire... The Babylon Bee.

Soon you too could be bootlicking billionaire balls with the rest of The BBee writers.

Are you ready to get your learn on?

Let us Bee-gin.

The number one most important rule that all The BBee writers must internalize to their core...

Conservative comedy abhors effort.

Brainstorming for hours on end to craft the perfect premise and punchline... is for the Libs. Check out this Facebook meme that got 10,000 likes.

Can you order Starbucks from a bar? Doesn't matter, it's a snowflake drink for a snowflake Lib.

Does this joke not have an actual punchline? Doesn't matter, get lost you stupid Lib!

Is this technically a joke by definition? Doesn't matter, if you believe it is a joke, then it's a joke! Just like modern currency.

If you put too much thought into a joke, it might grow in complexity. That could be confusing! The death knell of any conservative joke are the words, "Hmm, that's a thinker."

This brings us to rule number two...

NO THINKERS!

Let's take this Ben Garrison comic as an example.

Spell everything out! Label everything! Don't leave anything to the imagination! If your audience has to figure something out or draw their own conclusions, what fun is that?

Conservatives want to hear things that are familiar. They want their beliefs parroted back at them. You must regurgitate those beliefs and then just make it *sound* like a joke. Don't break new ground or introduce new ideas. Don't get all caught up in interesting wordplay or clever puns or subverting expectations.

All expectations should be fully verted.

That is definitely a word because I saw someone use it on Facebook. End of research.

Here is a helpful tip. If you can't imagine the joke coming out of the mouth of late night comedy genius GUTFELD!, then you need to dial it back a bit. Do not surpass GUTFELD! levels of humor. GUTFELD! is your touchstone.

Oh, GUTFELD! I laughed so hard I FELD it in my GUT.

See, I went too far with my fancy pun. That is not the GUTFELD! way.

But what happens if inspiration is fleeting and you can't pay attention to your comedy writing task because you don't believe ADHD is real and thus you are unmedicated?

Don't you worry. If you do happen to get writer's block or are distracted by a funny Pepe meme or a shiny object, just call your racist uncle and say the magic word... "Bidenflation."

As the ensuing unhinged rant darts from subject to subject without any kind of connecting theme, just start writing down every right wing buzzword you hear. Then just insert those buzzwords Mad Libs-style into a derivative joke format.

Let's practice!

Ex. 1: Why did the PRONOUNS cross the BORDER? To get to the DRAG QUEEN STORY HOUR!

Ex. 2: How many GENDERS does it take to GROOM a lightbulb? Two! One to hold the BUTT PLUG and one to GO WOKE, GO BROKE.

Great start! I'm sure with a polishing pass those will make more sense. Or not. The bar is pretty much "will it get clicks?" so we're not too worried about coherence.

Heh... Mad Libs.

U MAD, LIBS?

Get it? Cuz Libs are always mad? About the normalized bigotry and whatnot.

Jokes are always better when you need to explain them.

Oh! That's another rule. Write that down. Wisdom like this is why I am teaching this course, of course. Hah, that's like that horse show song. I got jokes coming out the wazoo. Wazoo is my butt, right? Siri, is wazoo a butt? Oof, I'm kinda spacing on what the next lesson is.

I really wish Matt Walsh hadn't flushed my Adderall down the crapper.

Can I get a second opinion? Top Gun was so good. What does Tom Cruise think about ADHD? He always has good takes on stuff like this. Did I leave my oven on? Shazam, what song goes doodoo doo doo doooooo? Can you vacuum a yard? Has anyone tried that? That sounds more like a marijuana thought than an ADHD tangent. I should double check the THC content of that cotton candy vape juice.

I'm flyin' off the rails over here.

Matt, are you super duper sure it's not real?

Okay, fine. I'm an "energetic boy."

I hope whichever fish absorbs my meds is extra focused on whatever fish shit he needs to get done.

COMEDY WRITING!

Sometimes it is best to learn through observation. Let's eavesdrop on an actual The BBee writer's room to see how the sausage is made...

"So what did your racist uncle have to say?"

"Well, first he texted me a cameraphone picture of Trump as an astronaut that he wants me to print out cuz he doesn't know what a crypto wallet is... but then he said all the woke schools are turning kids into a bunch of gay commies."

"EUREKA!"

Classic! The BBee writers strike again. I mean, they aren't striking. There is no commie clamoring for a union at The Babylon Bee. That's for damn sure. FOCUS!

Do you get the joke though? With the kids and the gay and the communism?

Because all of those woke schools totally cover complex economic theories in 4th grade and all it takes to turn gay is a little persuasion from a teacher with green hair. Libs of TikTok wouldn't lie about that. End of research.

Look at this public school teacher!

I mean, you knooow she has a litter box in her classroom. I can just sense it. End of research.

Sure... it is just a context-free picture of a person with green hair in front of a flag and you cannot actually judge the quality of their teaching ability from this. But yoouuu knoooooow she is skipping right over grammar lessons and giving detailed instructions on how to turn gay.

Step 1: Look at a bunch of butts. Step 2: Touch a bunch of butts. Step 3: Gay sex a bunch of butts.

(Replace butts with cooches for lesbians.)

Grooming accomplished.

And you definitely shouldn't look up that green-hair'd, nose ring'd educator and research her any further. Extensive research is for the Libs, bro. Because you definitely don't want to discover she is a passionate high school English teacher who makes fun content on TikTok in the hopes that people will buy things off her wishlist so her students will have a better learning experience. I mean, caring about her students? That's so gay.

YoooOOOuuuUUU knnnooooooOOOw she is a bad teacher because she has green hair and a flag. End. Of. Research.

So... you have your gay communist headline that is perfect to get all of those sweet conservative clicks. But you still have a full webpage to fill out with more words and stuff.

Now I want to see if you learned anything from my perfectly focused and informative teachings. I want you to write some jokes about kids becoming gay communists.

Ready? GO!

Joke #1 Little Billy has wealthy parents so all the students will share his cookie at snack time.

Joke #2 At the beginning of the day, students pick a new gender out of a hat but all the kids fight over Attack Helicopter.

Joke #3 At lunch, the students have to stand in a peanut butter and jelly bread line.

Joke #4 The teacher makes the kids take turns combing each others' hair for a grooming session.

Wait a sec... are those... THINKERS?

No no no no no! You made my brain all confused and thinky!

You need to calm down, you overachieving silly billy. You forgot the first rule... NO EFFORT.

Just make the same joke over and over again with slightly different wording. EASY!

Remember the classic final rule of comedy...

Jokes always get funnier the more you repeat them.

Anyway, that's probably enough... joke.

Now let's close this article out!

Maybe we can drop the pretense this is comedic satire and just do some hardcore pandering. Gotta own the Libs, amirite?

Gender theory and drag queens and guns, oh my! That is pure pander-monium.

Just shove those factless tactless Tucker talking points straight down their gullet. They'll forget this was supposed to be funny and shake their fist in the air with exaltation. And it's definitely a great idea to put the thought of gunning down drag queens in their heads. That won't backfire in any way!

Congratulations! You are now ready to "write" for The Babylon Bee.

Please purchase this official Trump NFT certificate for $99 that acknowledges that you have completed this course and have a very poor understanding of what satire actually is.

End of research.

[riseoftheangstywriter]

How do you think rise donnie would deal with his s/o starting to call him a tsundere as a term of endearment ?. (Cuz he is a tsundere).

Thank u for the ask!! Here's a little something I wrote on how I think it would play out. Hope you enjoy :))

"You know what y/n?" Leo tells you during one of your many reality tv watching sessions. "Ever since you and Donnie started dating, it's made me realize something... he's such a tsundere, don't you think?"

You turn to look at the slider, head tilting in confusion at the term. "What's a tsundere?"

Within seconds Leo's mouth has dropped considerably. "What?" He pauses the tv. "What do you mean you don't know?!"

As he shakes your shoulders, all you can do is awkwardly smile. "Am I supposed to?"

Leo shakes his head. "I really need to get you into more anime..." He sighs, pulling out his phone. "Don't worry, Leon's got it."

He shoves his phone in your face, and you read the text once your eye's adjust. "A tsundere is a character who switches from being tough and cold towards a love interest into being soft and sweet."

You look at Leo, who's wiggling his nonexistent eyebrows. "See? You can't read that and tell me that isn't describing Donnie."

"I mean, I guess you're right." You hum thoughtfully. "I've never thought about it like that."

Leo's considers your agreement a win, and he grins. "Exactly! I know these things.. it's a twin sense, you feel me?"

You nod, always finding humor in the whole "twin sense" thing when they don't even look remotely alike. They still debated about who was the "older twin" to this day. "Sure."

He nudges you. "Just means you're special, y/n."

His words make you smile. It was relieving to hear that Donnie's brothers thought you were good for him. "Heh. Thanks, Leo."

"Anytime."

After your conversation with Leo, you decide to start messing with Donnie a little bit. It starts off harmless, the first time you call him a tsundere, he reacts as expected, extremely confused (and flustered) because how the hell did you know that word?

He suspects its Leo's doing immediately, but you act clueless, skipping off like it was nothing.

Then you do it again, and again, and again. Now, tsundere has been added to the long list of nicknames you have for the soft-shell. It started off as an innocent joke, but honestly, it was very fitting. Besides, you liked the reaction Donnie had every time. You enjoyed catching him by surprise.

Like tonight, as you depart his lab to head home, you whisper into his ear as you kiss his cheek.

"Goodnight, tsundere." You smile when you hear his breath catch, satisfied with yourself as you turn away, light on your feet.

"Y/n, wait."

You look back to see where you left him, sitting in his chair but facing you.

"Yeah?"

"In the past sixty five days you've called me tsundere a total of twenty eight times."

You weren't expecting that. You cross your arms, interested to see where he was going with this. "Oh, so you've been keeping track?"

He blushes, dismissing your words. "That's not the point. The question is why? Why that word, out of all words? I know Leo taught it to you, so don't even try to deflect."

You think about how to answer, before you settle on the perfect response. You laugh to yourself, smiling.

"I mean, it makes sense right?" You approach him, noticing how he looks you up and down, swallowing. What, was Donnie actually feeling shy? "When I first met you, you were all grumpy and closed off."

You're inches away from him now, and just to show the purpose of your next sentence, you put a finger on his plastron, right over the area that covers his heart. "Who knew I would be the one to peel back those layers to reveal my sweet, lovely partner?"

You knew you had succeeded once Donnie's left a stuttering mess. You've only rendered him speechless a few times, but it never got old.

"If it really bothers you, I'll stop. Promise." You add with sincerity. You had a feeling it didn't, but just to make sure, you say it anyways.

"No." He rushes out immediately. "I-It's fine."

You smile fondly at him. "Good. Well, I should go now."

He nods, but not before he gently takes your wrist and pulls you down, capturing your lips in a sweet kiss.

For a moment he rests his forehead on yours. "I.... like the nickname. It's cute."

The two of you part, and you can't help but get in one last tease. "Guess you'll be hearing more of it then."

Donnie rolls his eyes, but his tone is dripping with affection as he turns back around in his chair. "Bye y/n."

"Bye Donnie." You're almost out the door before departing with "I love you."

You linger just long enough to hear him say "I love you too."

[nmoroder]

I needed an AU as an excuse to switch to different outfits (i’m sorry cool cyborg bodies i am simply frail in mind and bad with details) and here i am with a sorta our modern day setting? where Desperados is kind of a crime group handling tasks with eliminating/pressuring people

so at some point they show up at the target’s place and he’s dead and there’s a kid in the closet. the target’s son. a little rascal named Jack Ripley who they weren’t briefed about and they decide to look after him until he at least turns 18 (he’s about 12 years old). also his dad’s killer is actually Sam who wasn’t involved with Desperados at that time and it actually caused them to cross paths for real. oh and Blade Wolf is a human guy who drives a motorcycle and was the first to fight Sam and to be spared by him (they became good friends later heh)

i really like how this AU’s turning out so far and i promise more stuff is coming. wanna elaborate on how cyborg designs are translated into our reality with several additions from canon, and i also really wanna feature Sundowner in later drawings. he’d eventually be the one suggesting to grow the kid into a killing machine and to ask him which name he’d choose as a soldier of the future (and Jack chose Raiden). and for sure i wanna draw more of the kid cuz my boy this is the first time i’ve ever rooted so much for a video game protagonist. i love this blondie

[2aceofspades]

Holy Moly Pizza Rollie-oly!!!!!!!

I had followed you art for a bit but never sat down to read the comics. Had to be the right time in the right mindset. And oh my....

I just spend 1.5 hrs at 1am (now 2:30) binge reading your comics!! And UGH!!!!! I HAVE to say how much I enjoyed getting my heart ripped out! Your expressions are so powerful! Hand my hand over my mouth or over my head just wailing over these turtles. Leo........... the poor peepaw.... the hurt you have put him through, is beautiful and painful and amazing <3

WAAAAH-

Ohmigosh no way 😭😭

Okay okay so first off...thank you so much for reading all the way through ohmigosh I am just beyond happy reeeeee!

Also, I really really appreciate your comment about the expressions cuz that is always such an important part of my storytelling so thank you!!

It's hard to believe that Leo is my favorite character seeing as how I've put him through so much grief. I can't imagine the apocalypse being all sunshine and rainbows...more like a series of loss and hardships, some victories, with a big focus on survival. I tried to be delicate about it tho...not too sure how I did with that heh..

All the traditional parts of my comic series mean so so much to me so I really REALLY appreciate your kind words and support 🥹🙌🌟✨

[hoony-parker]

Okay so I have a Steve Harrington request. I am still obsessed with Season 2 era Steve so could you do one where the reader was there for the whole Billy and Steve fight? Like maybe she stepped in between Lucas and Billy and Billy made a comment about her or hit her or something and that causes Steve to start throwing punches? I know this is long and I apologize but if you could do this, that would be so cool!

notes: aaaaaa thank you for this!! <3. and, yeah, i'm still obsessed with season 2 steve, too. and i made a loooong intro. i apologize. just wanted to get the reader x steve relationship a little straighter than in the last imagine before going straight to the point. i also changed it a bit cuz i was already working on it when i reread the request, and i was almost done. i hope you don't mind. hope you enjoy <3

p.s.: i made a mayfield!reader cuz why the heck not?

warnings: description of blood, injuries, swearing and b*lly insulting reader

pairing: steve harrington x fem!mayfield!reader

w/c: 2.6k (it's a long one heh)

--

if you didn't think moving to hawkins was a bad idea before, you definitely did now.

now, after meeting a group of little kids that fought some things called demogorgons, when you had only wanted to babysit your little sister peacefully and and watch a movie with her and maybe, if you were feeling bold, buy a pizza and some snacks.

you had seen your mom less and less ever since you moved to indiana and, not feeling okay with leaving max alone at home with both your step dad and billy, you thought that looking after your sister yourself was the safest option.

she loved you, of course. you've become closer once your mother decided to marry that douchebag of a man and forced you two into a new family. you had thought you would love it— to have a family again.

it was a shame to find out your family was now built out of an alcoholic, useless man and his abusive, narcissist son.

and, when you seem to see less and less of your little sister, too, you couldn't help but talk to her, explain your worries to her. max couldn't stop herself from feeling guilt consume her. not after even thinking that leaving you alone with billy or his father at home was a good idea. yes, you were older than her, and yes, you could take care of yourself pretty well. that didn't change the fact that you didn't feel safe at your own home anymore.

so, she'd eventually let you go with her and her friends, kind of taking advantage of your driving privileges, as well. you had been inevitably dragged into the whole upside down mess, too.

you'd find yourself doubting what's real and where the nightmares begin. a child being possessed by a giant mind controller from a parallel word beneath yours? monsters with dog bodies but heads that opened to reveal endless rows of teeth?

that's where steve came in. the previous king of hawkins high had seemingly changed after his traumatic break up with nancy wheeler, the school's good girl. sometime in between all the mess, he'd been dragged into the group, too. and, being one of the only older ones, he forced himself to protect those kids at all costs, which also inclueded you, no matter if you were his same fucking age.

having him near gave you some sort of stability, either way. you hadn't had the honour to meet 'king steve' properly, as you had come to hawkins just in time to see the end of his reign. however, you were glad to have this version of him beside you. if the other one was a jerk, you didn't want to find out.

you had also become fond of the kids. seeing max make friends so easily, when it had been a big struggle in the past, brought you comfort. and, if you needed to do everything in your power to make sure those kids were safe so they could keep making your little sister happy, you'd do anything.

max wasn't stupid, either. she had her suspicions about your sudden closeness to the harrington boy. she had always been protective of you, too— feeling the need of keeping the one thing that brought stability to her life safe, she hadn't been keen on the fact that the former hawkins heartbreaker was a little too close to her older sister.

but, after sharing her concerns with her new friends, dustin was the first one to say that he looked up to steve, and was sure he had changed. he was good, now. better than any other older kid dustin had met, as he was slowly earning the role as dustin's older brother— not that he would share that secret with any of you.

for now, the plan was going great. smoothly enough. you were hiding in joyce's house, eleven appeared, and everything was fine. for now, that is.

you heard the sounds of a car outside, quickly making its way to the front of the house, and you and max simultaniously made your way to the window. "shit," you muttered, turning to the redheaded girl. "that's billy," you told her, to which she nodded. "he can't see us. he'll kill me," she said to lucas, then looked at you. "kill us."

steve stood still for a second, seemingly thinking of what to do, before he quickly trotted to the door, catching your attention. "steve?" you called nerviously. "steve, where are you going?"

he put a hand on the doorknob, turning to you and signalling with his palm for you to stop from coming any closer to him. "just— stay here, okay?" he demanded sternly.

before you could ask him for an explanation, he was out of the door.

you turned to the kids, who where all four of them looking out the window. "what the hell do you think you're doing?" you asked hurriedly, placing a hand on lucas' shoulder. "get away from the window, he'll see you."

"he won't," dustin answered, not even sparing you a look.

you stood a few feet behind, still able to watch what was happening outside, yet far enough to stay away from billy's gaze if he did look your way. "kids, please. stay away from the window," you asked again.

"shh," lucas shushed you, waving you off with his eyes still focused on steve and billy's conversation, deaf to your ears but clear to your eyes.

max turned to you shortly, giving you a hesitant, apologetic smile and turned back.

it wasn't until you saw billy slightly turn his head towards the window, pointing to it with his cigarette, smoke coming out of his mouth as he muttered some words to steve that the kids whipped around to you, ducking down and away from the window. "shit! did he see us?" asked dustin and you gasped, walking backwards until you turned and hid behind the wall.

"shit, steve," you squeezed your eyes shut, catching a glimpse of his body layed on the floor and hilding his stomach in pain.

rushing to the front door to hopefully assist your friend, you jumped back with a gasp when it flew open and you were met with billy, gaze angry and threatening, and the dark in his eyes made your heart sink. he slammed the door shut.

"well, well, well," he said, the silence in his words far from kind, and rather terrifying. billy tilted his head down to meet your eyes, his jaw clenching and the dominating steps he took towards you made you walk bachwards in fear, stumbling over your own feet.

you could see his nostrils flaring from anger, his mood not far from his usual self. even so, having his anger directed to you made your hands shake and breathing accelerate.

the kids where behind you and, when you walked back enough to meet their figures, you opened your arms to keep them behind you, safe. billy looked up, whole demeanor changing when he caught sight of lucas and he harshly pushed you aside to get to him, and your side met with the top of the table, its surface harshly and mercilessly attacking your ribs.

you groaned when you hit the floor, slumped close to the door and you forced yourself up by your elbows, one of your hands caressing the sore skin. "lucas sinclair. what a surprise," he smiled sarcastically, taking more quick steps to them. they didn't move. billy turned to your sister, "i thought i told you to stay away from him, max," he scolded, towering over the shorter girl.

he made a quick turn, walking back to you and crouching down to be closer to your level, one hand on his knee to support his weight, and he pointed an accusative finger to you. "and i thought i told you to keep an eye on her," he greeted through his teeth.

"i'm not a child, billy. i'm not gonna follow your little rules," you spat, sitting up and wincing at the sharp pain on your ribs. you saw his jaw clench again, and waited for a blow, slipping your bottom lip between your teeth. "billy, go away," max said, tone harsh and stern.

you looked at her. her eyes were filled with panic, and her feet almost twitching with want to run and help you up. her hands shook in fear, and that's what kept her in place. billy stood up, walked himself to the middle point between you and your sister and looked at max and back to you. "you disobeyed me," he breathed.

your blood ran cold, "and you know what happens when you disobey me."

"billy..." you called, a simple and weak warning for him to go. he groweled. "i break things," he grabbed lucas by his shirt, lifting him up and walking until the boy's body was met with one of the shelves. you tried to get up. you struggled, groaned and shook when you tried to get yourself up, all the strength you were using useless as the pain forced you back down.

the kids were shouting, begging and pleading for him to stop, only for their requests to get ignored by your step brother.

the door opened behind you, the sound deaf and overlapped by the rest of the loud noise in the room. "hey, hey, are you okay?" the voice asked, and you turned your head to meet steve's figure, crouching down with a slight wince to place his hands under your armpits and help you sit up. you winced. "billy," you said, "help the kids." he looked hesitant for a second. you rolled your eyes, "i'll be fine, harrington. get that psycho away from the children," steve got the order and carefully placed you closer to the wall so you could lean your back on it.

you watched him walk to him, just in time before he could lay a hand on lucas, who had previously kneed him in his lower region. "you're so dead, sinclair! you're dead," billy yelled, looking at lucas straight in the eye.

meanwhile, you placed a hand to the wall behind you, carefully and slowly lifting yourself up from the floor, groans and small cries falling from your lips, and you silenced them by pursing your lips together. when you successfully did so, you rest your back on it and closed your eyes, tilting your head back to catch your breath.

you opened them seconds later, immediately catching max' concerned look. you just smiled, winking at her. the action made her shoulders slump, and she gave you her best smile back.

"no. you are."

steve threw a punch his way and the kids shut up immediately, the only sound being the grunt that came out of billy, crouched down and his face turned to the side, consequence from the force of the blow.

billy laughed manically, getting up and raising his hands up in the air while looking at steve. "looks like you've got some fire in you after all, huh?" his nose was bleeding, and his words even sounded a bit slurry. like steve's punch had dumbed him out.

"i've been waiting to meet this 'king steve' everybody's been telling me so much about," he walked closer.

with the strength you had left, you limped your way to steve, and he ducked when he saw billy lean back to make the punch more powerful. you leaned against a chair, grabbing your side. the kids were cheering for steve.

"hey, billy!" you called loudly, and he turned to you.

steve looked like a deer caught in the headlights, eyes wide and pleading when he met yours. you walked towards billy, steps large and demanding, until your chest almost touched his.

he still looked down at you, his gaze naturally angry and dominating. this time, you didn't care. "cut your crap, and get the hell out of this fuckin' house," you gritted.

billy laughed sarcastically, looking at steve and back to you. "d-don't—" he pointed to the two of you. "don't tell me you two are a thing," he pouts, then smiles, faking excitement. "you and harrington? really, y/n? wow," he laughed again, then turned to steve "everyone told me so much about king steve. was actually lookin' forward to meetin'' the dude, you know? how 'successful' he was with the ladies, how he was a real player. and, still, harrington, still you can't control your whore?"

at this, steve threw another punch at him, then another, and another. billy had to lean on the kitchen counter, where he grabbed one of the plates and smashed it to steve's head, and he bent over in pain and grabbed his head.

billy didn't bother to wipe the blood in his face away. he stomped towards steve and punched him again. "no one tells me what to do," he yelled, punching him once more, until the brunette fell to the floor across the room, defeated and pained. "whoo, come on. get up," billy said, gesturing with his hands and then wiped the sweat on his forehead, grabbing steve by his shirt and throwing fist after fist to his face with no end.

you ran to him from behind, fisting his shirt and trying to pull him away from steve, who laid on the floor, taking the hits, not even bothering to defend himself any longer. you pleaded billy to let go, crying while you grabbed his shoulder and pulled him to you in hopes he'd finally leave steve alone. he didn't budge.

max, in te distance, watched in horror the scene unravel before her eyes and turned to the deskk at her left, catching the sight of one of the syringe, already filled with a tranquilizer in case you needed to use it on will. she grabbed it. "y/n!"

you turned to her. she simply gestured to the object in her hands, and you quickly let go of billy to get ready to catch it. she threw it to you, the needle successfully falling into your hands, and you rapidly turned around, injecting the syringe into billy's neck and pressing the top to let the liquid enter his body.

jumping back and on your feet, you watched as billy stopped, one hand slowly going to his neck, touching the object and taking a hold on it, wincing when he took the needle out. he stood up, turning to you with the syringe in hand. "what the hell is this?" he asked dumbly, voice already slurred from the chemical running through his system. he walked towards you, and you walked backwards with slow steps, anticipating his next moves.

"you little shit, what did you do?" he slurred, stumbling and eyes closing uncoordinated. "what did you do?" he fell to the floor on his back, and you jumped in surprise. when the first shock passed, you looked at steve and immediately went to him. you crouched down, turning him on his back on laying his head on your lap with careful touches. "hey," you whispered. he let out a grunt, and you shushed him. "shh, you're okay. you really outdid yourself out there, huh, harrington?" you laughed weakly, and his head just bobbed a little, trying to pay attention to you, but the unconsciousness was winning the battle.

one hand went to his forehead, tucking the bloody strands away from his sight, and you smiled when you heard him hum in affection.

"i'll take care of you, steve. rest for a while," you assured him.

"you'll be okay."

[donniesexceptionalmind]

"Truth, Truth And Nothing But The Truth"

*Before a match of cards*

Mikey: "There is NO WAY I'm playing cards with you again. Leo always cheats!"

Leo: "That is absolutely not true. I am a pure soul, a gift from angels, I can't lie- why would I be the cheater?"

Raph: *smacks Leo's head* "We know you, that's why."

Leo: "That's just unfair! You're only jealous cuz I'm better than you all. Besides, Donnie cheats, like, seriously."

Me: *offended* "I do NOT cheat. Besides I have lost a reasonable amount of times in the past. Wouldn't I have a higher win rate if I cheated?"

Mikey: "First of all, I am the best player here according to wins. Second, cheating ruins the game and the fun, Leon. Ask Donnie, he's the source of logic and truth."

Leo: *scoffs* "Truth, yeah, right."

Me, who has programmed SHELLDON to sneak up at the others to see their cards: "Yes, sure, Angelo. You're one hundred percent correct."

Have I purposely lost thirty percent of the rounds to disguise my cheating?

You bet I have.

Did Nardo knew this?

He did and it made him furious because he couldn’t prove it.

Did he cheat?

No. Not a single time, which is truly remarkable for him. (I was expecting him to do so)

Oh, I'm such a devil. Heh.

Also, cheating IS fun.

[vioisgoinginsane]

Yknow what I love? Those "couples get 50℅ off a meal for two on Valentine's day" "oh we ARE a couple[lie]" fics. Probably cuz it's the only way I can imagine being down with fake dating. Getting my family off my case? Nah. Free food? Absolutely.

(Accidentally wrote headcanons for all of them) (minus ortho for obvious reasons)

You give each other a look. "Shall we, darling? " "sure," you reply hooking your arm around his. You enjoy the meal with enough smiles and pet names here and there that none of the staff question if you are a couple. He teases you just a little bit. The waiter brings the bill. "Shall we go half?" You slap your half on the table and flatly say "I am breaking up with you." Leaving him to do those crocodile tears you could never match and get a free dessert out of pitty. He complements your performance after.

Jade (didnt even plan it ahead...or at least YOU didn't plan for this ahead,but him? Who knows), Ruggie (planned with you ahead, asks if you should make this a yearly tradition)

Same plan but you get found out cuz he was just TOO annoying about it and you have to pay the full tab.

Ace (somehow persuades you into trying it again somewhere else, only to fail. Again.), Floyd (gets banned from the establishment too)

Same plan but without the break-up. He basically just jumped on the excuse to get you on a first date. Asks where shall you go for your next one. You short circuit "N.... Next date?" "Well, it's not like we broke up or anything, right? Heh..."

Lilia, Azul, Trey, Cater, Jamil

"Oh là là, Mon Tricksteur," he is pretty much down with it. Excellent at playing pretend too. Except that when you do the breakup he is SO over the top about it. He isn't holding you by the foot so you can't leave but honestly he might as well at this rate, you CAN'T just leave, like, you have to apologize to the staff and reluctantly add a "Fine, Fine! We can give it another shot! Please, get up."

Rook

He is a BLUSHING MESS, which luckly convinces the staff that you are just a newly got together young couple without you having to do much more than call him a petname. He likes this date. He likes it so much. He likes YOU. It strengthens his resolve to ask you out for real after this, his only regret is not having done it sooner.

Deuce, Epel

"First of all that's underhanded, second of all, no need to make it a fake date." ".... Huh?" "Do I have to say it? Wanna go out with me for real?"

Jack, Silver

"And why on earth would I agree to that?"

First of all, he's rich, he obviously doesn't need you for a discount. Second of all, you know he isn't one to waste his time with anything needless and foolish, so why ask? He knows EXACTLY why you asked. No he won't let you brush it off as a joke. He wants to see if you have the guts to ask him out for real. Plus, that restaurant is third rate at best, if he's gonna take you out, it will at least be to a good restaurant.

Leona, Vil

Lectures you on how that'd be breaking the rules and you can't break the rules, breaking the rules is bad, how could you ever ask him to break the rules? Anyways, "Well, the only way to not break that rule is if you are really my boyfriend."

*extreme blush* "well.... I guess that can't be helped then... If there's no other way—No. Actually....I'll gladly be your boyfriend."

Riddle

Also starts lecturing you except even LOUDER "Fine then, I'm gonna ask Malleus." At which he screams at you EVEN MORE but if you insist to bother his liege he'll have no choice but to stop you... Stop you how?... There's no other way. Fine. He'll do it.

He's too honest for any of this. Cracks under the pressure. Confesses to the staff immediately and apologizes. Yall have to pay the whole tab but at least you got to wrap your arm around his when you came in.

Sebek

"You played too many otome games." He kinda WANTS to, but ultimately settles for a safe "haha, as if anyone would believe that." Plus that's too much pressure with the whole...going outside thing. Too many people, too much PDA, he gets vertigo just thinking about it. Please don't insist.

Idia

On one hand, he sorta can't afford public romantic involvement with just anyone, but on the other hand I think this might be something SOMEONE ELSE (maybe even yourself if no one else is around), is gonna have to remind him. He's just so willing to go along with your every whim and he'd love to go on a date with you, he wonders why go for a discount though, when he could take you to literally any restaurant,even expensive ones? Is just one dinner for two even gonna be enough food? (basically the "pretend" part of "would you pretend to be my boyfriend" slipped by him)

Malleus

He can't, fear of poison and all, but he'll immediately start planning a different Valentine's date. Another one who didn't hear the "pretend boyfriend" part and only the "go on a date with me" part. He also won't hear any "I was only kidding" from you or Jamil's attempts to talk him out of it. "It's not a problem if we just have a date here, right? We can go on a carpet ride, too!" And you can't say no, because he has ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*Excited Puppy Eyes✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*. Jamil sighs and is sorta thankful that at least it seems like this time he only has to cook for two people instead of a last minute full on banquet.

Kalim

[spidereggs888]

Miguel bangs Dr Doom and the poor bastard asks for seconds

/j

Miguel & You

ACT 3 | INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE

Miguel O’Hara & y/n, any gender or non gender. Very casual writing style. TW Dark humor, dangerous situations, 18+ language. Y/n are sorta attracted to Miguel (why else would you be here?) but he doesn’t know you lol

(Seriously, if you haven't read ACT 1 or ACT 2, NONE of this will make sense)

≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋≋

“Okay? I mean you still got your job, yeah?” your friend says.

“It’s different now! I can’t- my job’s not enough- all my savings are GONE! All those data sticks were full of nontaxable credit and now it’s probably being hocked off for rapture! What the shock am I gonna do?!”

“Wait, wait! Hang on, lemme text Bryce! He gonna know something!”

“I REALLY can’t believe that O’Hara! We talked about this! I made my case pretty simple and he agreed to a follow up meeting- and now he’s just gonna CANCEL on me?!”

“Hey it’s not his fault! He doesn’t know what you’re going through.”

You are so mad you almost tell her the truth. But his secret identity could be a bargaining chip! Yeah sure that will be stooping low but he KNOWS you are one lost payment away from house hunting, which is a horrible experience in Nueva York, especially if you’re broke.

After some sounds of computer work on her end, Speshall re-emerges.

“Hold on… okay. Bryce says Mister O’Hara is back in the Alchemax Business Bureau building.”

“Good God, tell Bryce I said thanks!”

“You better hurry, cuz people who lost their shot yesterday are trying to catch him today. I don’t know how word got out that he didn’t choose anyone as a secretary, but yeah, they are scrambling to get a hold of him. You better hurry!”

You pull out your only spare jacket (the clear plastic one that only keeps off the rain), and throw on a new scarf. You are back at square one, where you gotta compete with all the other interviewees, including Suck-up Syd who’s gonna be even more desperate this time, and Beta-Brody, who just might actually appeal to O’Hara now that he’s about to have an uninterrupted audience with the guy!

Your chances are slim, but if you stand to lose everything, why the hell dwell here?!

░▒▓スパイダーマン▓▒░

When you exit the apartment complex, you run through all of the holograms offering a better life, past all the salesmen trying to convert you to the great house of Thor, and slam your palm down on the terminal button to call the apartment valet.

"Welcome back, tenant 27," the AI apartment valet greets, “Do you want-”

“YES! Give it to me!”

Your car roars out of its hiding place as if it knows today isn’t the day to worry you with her many problems. She is bright red with flaking paint, but she is here in your time of need.

“We refueled your vehicle. Do you accept the charges-”

“BILL ME TOMORROW!”

You rush and slide across the hood, executing the perfect slide and land on your feet on the other side. The door unlatches automatically and you climb in (that almost never happens), and you slam your foot down on the gas pedal.

“I’m comin’ for you, O’Hara!”

░▒▓человек-паук▓▒░

After dodging and slipping through traffic, you arrive at the Alchemax Business Bureau parking lot. The automated parking center kiosk accepts your money this time since your mom knows how to clean her gambling money (you have yet to learn this difficult process), and you get to enter the building in a more conventional way. 

The lobby is already in chaos. People are fighting over the coffee machine for some reason, slapping and hitting each other. You turn your back on it and face the old man behind the receptionist desk. He grimaces at you.

“You don’t have anything to do with the crazy shit happening over there, right?” He asks. This was the first time he’s spoken to you in a while.

“Don’t think so. Uh, has O’Hara come through?”

“Heh. What do you think?”

You cringe at the sound of a coffee pot crashing to the floor. The receptionist opens a holoscreen and looks at you through it.

“He’s up in the temp office again.”

He discreetly brings a cup of black coffee up from behind the desk and sets it near you.

“Just pushing forward a favor.”

His eyes focus on the video call that pops up between you, and he continues, “We need custodial support in the lobby. We got some broken glass and hot coffee all over the damn place.”

≋≋≋（スパイダーマン）≋≋≋

You are on the elevator, coffee in hand with a pocket full of sugars. You decide not to drink it, you plan to give it to O’Hara (everyone else must have had this same plan, hence fighting over the pitcher of coffee.) The elevator lets someone else on. The doors open and you see the smoky eyes of Suck-Up Syd.

“Ah, you got past everyone else, I see.”

You reluctantly move over as she strides in. You notice she’s wearing a backless dress before she pulls her faux fur jacket back over her shoulders. She knows you saw, she chuckles and sighs.

“Don’t ya love this day and age?” she asks innocently.

“It could be better,” you say pleasantly.

“I just love how a woman can be herself and flaunt what she’s got…” 

She waits for a word of validation but you say nothing to her. She continues.

“I got this dress from Michael, our last boss. Remember him?”

“Ah, yeah. The guy who gave me a second chance…”

“Yeah after the whole embezzling thing! Tsk, I’m so glad you didn’t get fired, you know that? Like really, you are the nicest person in this whole wide place! It would have been so unfair of him to let you go. But he’s very generous.”

You wanna say something mean to her but you are at a crucial point in your life to have stupid Suck-Up Syd karma in the mix.

The elevator door opens and you see a guy laying face down on the floor. He’s groaning in pain. It’s the nice Indian man from yesterday.

“Oh my, what happened here?” Syd asks.

“Ah just some stuff that needed settling,” says the familiar douchey voice of Brody, who walks up from the corner while rubbing his knuckles.

“Did you beat up that guy?!” You scold.

“Well, he got in my face,” he says with a matter-of-fact tone.

“I somehow doubt that!” You scoff.

 Brody smirks and takes your coffee.

“Dude, that’s mine!” you complain.

He sips it while keeping eye-contact with you. He then immediately scrunches his face.

“Ew, you don’t add anything to your coffee?!”

“That’s very rude and gross, Broly,” Syd says with sarcasm, walking away towards the glass elevator. He hands the coffee back to you and swiftly follows her, and you reluctantly follow.

“I was just playing, Sydney, lighten up! Nice dress, by the way!”

“Thank you.”

“I mean... you flaunted it for Micheal, I bet you could do the same exact routine for O’Hara and get the job instantly! That's your in-an-out plan, right?”

“Hey, if he thinks hiring me will get him there then that’s on him, not me.”

“What are you pushing 38, going on 39 any time now? You can’t use your looks forever, tick-tock tick-tock.”

“Oh wow, says the guy who believes in that Alpha Male BS. You are aware that the same guy who coined that whole thing turned around and disproved it years later, you know that, right?”

“So it’s not true for wolves, but it’s definitely true for Man.”

“You are not even close to being a Beta…” you grumble. 

He looks back at you with a fake smile. Syd laughs.

“Oh well check this out-”

He slaps the coffee down out of your hands and it gushes all over your pants and shoes. You jump back and kick your legs.

“Dude! That BURNS! What the FUCK?!”

“You got it on my dress, you fucking animal!” Syd complains, stepping back away from the dark puddle.

“Oh you were gonna take it off to show what’s left of your body anyway! Get with the now and lighten up!”

“You are SUCH an asshole!” You yell. You start kicking him in the legs. Syd joins in, thrashing him with her stiletto. The both of you back him into the corner as he tries to guard his face. The glass doors open and the three of you stop your squabbling as y’all realize there has been an audience for the last few seconds.  

The pair of security guards from yesterday are standing near the elevator, both looking somewhat amused about the elevator fight, and two men are sitting on either side of the tiny desk, one of them being O’Hara and the other is your ex boss.

“Oh… uh, hi!” Syd stammers, taken aback by the present company. Brody pushes her aside and strides across the room with his hand extended.

“Hey, Mister O’Hara! The name’s Brody Tice! Nice to meet-”

“The hell are you guys doing here?” O’Hara asks.

“Hey, yeah, I didn’t get to meet you yesterday-  had some stuff come up, but I heard you were here today, so I thought-”

“Then SIT,” O’Hara demanded.

“Actually, I do better standing!” 

“Sit the hell down, Brody,” Micheal snaps, “Now’s not the time!”

[Brody mumbles something about being fine where he is.]

“Is everything okay, Micheal?” Syd asks, defaulting to an innocent tone.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Micheal says with glossed, lazy eyes. He always had this look whenever he was forced to care, “Someone formerly in our department just complained about some old history and we are trying to smooth it out.”

"Oh, this is beyond smoothing out," O'Hara said with an unsafe tone while smiling, "Yeah, this little game you have going on comes to an end today."

"What game?!" Micheal scoffs, leaning back in his chair.

“I’ve had my AI assistant cross-reference your employment history and your payment history and I did not like what she told me," O'Hara says, putting his giant paws together, "You’ve been withholding payment from your employees by not immediately updating their salary in the system after they were given a raise. And you’d neglect doing anything until they actually confront you about it, and even then, you never paid them the missing difference. And you did this, let's say, roughly eighty times in the past four years?”

Your blood boils. This man has been a parasite this whole time while you scraped by. Micheal looks back and forth at Syd and Brody, unable to keep eye contact with O'Hara.

"Wha- WHICH of you- Syd! I thought I could TRUST you!" Micheal stammers.

"What? Micheal! No! I didn't say anything about you!"

Micheal's gaze darts to Brody, but then he swivels his head to you instead.

"Was it you?!"

"Wow, you're really just gonna look for someone to blame, huh?" Brody scoffs.

"Whoever did this doesn't know who they're messing with!" Micheal says, his face red as he shakes, "I have too much as stake to be taken down by some rat!"

“It was ME!” you yell, not willing to take anything else laying down anymore, “I confirmed what happened!”

Micheal looks genuinely surprised at you yelling. Syd just blinks awkwardly and Brody grins. O’Hara is still sitting with his elbows resting on his desk, watching from behind clasped fingers.

“What on earth did you-”

“The ultimatum you gave me! You pulled me aside into the maintenance closet and made me choose between getting fired or demoted, REMEMBER?!”

“We took you into the maintenance closet because the situation was private-”

“You just didn’t want anyone with a brain noticing you were doing something illegal!”

“He was on vacation!” Syd said defensively, “You should have just waited-”

“Oh that’s SUCH bullshit! He wanted to see how long he could go without actually paying me what I was owed!” 

“It was just a fluke in the system-”

“It was no fluke, it was CALCULATED!” You snap, stepping towards her with your finger in her face, “And you should know, Syd! You fucking stood there watching like the stupid little henchman you are! You KNEW Micheal was doing something illegal and you did NOTHING to report it! And we know why! Because you KNEW if I went down, you would instantly get my position as vice head PR accountant! You were a snake from the start and always HAVE been!”

“Oh shush! You were sniveling and crying like a BABY, begging to keep the job! I may be what I am but at least I have some dignity-”

“Sydney! Let’s not push it!” Micheal warned.

“That’s fucking laughable coming from you, y’know that?” Brody says to Syd, “You are the LAST person with any dignity around here! You dropped your panties for Ashton when I told you he was head of our department! You didn’t even try to research him or anything! You just did it because you’re a whore.”

“And you!” you yell, pointing at Brody.

“Ah, let’s hear it!” He retorts.

“You are the biggest lying asshole in this whole fucking industry! How the fuck has no one laid you out yet?! All that alpha dog bullshit has gone so far up your ass, I don’t know where your sexist bullshit ends and where your goddamn shit-eating grin begins! You gotta tear people down because you aren’t strong enough to hack it with the big dogs, are ya?! ARE YA, BRODY?! Oh, look at me! I’m Brody Tice! I’m too mean and stupid to make meaningful relationships work, so I bully others to assert a false sense of dominance! And if that don’t work, I resort to telling people I was diddled in the doo doo hole by my best friend Ashton because that’s the kind of LOSER I am!”

Brody’s pride is on the line, and he was not taking too kindly to you airing out his dirty laundry in front of O’Hara. He steps up to you, his fake smile now grinding into a dangerous sneer.

“Oh, NOBODY has laid me out yet because they CAN’T!”

“You are so full of shit!”

“Go ahead and make your move, then!”

“Everyone just stop!” Syd pleads anxiously.

“You can't always get away with everything you’ve DONE!” You say coldly. Blood is rushing in your ears and you can feel your neck getting hot. Brody jabs you in the shoulder with his knuckles.

“Make your move, bitch-” 

Having seen enough, O’Hara stands up and swiftly grabs Brody by the front of his shirt. He leads the smaller man around on his toes as they come face to face. Brody’s eyes bulge.

“Wow, man! Your hands are massive-”

 O’Hara picks the whole man up and one-arm slams Brody through the tiny desk. Just *bam* throws him down TLC style. Travel-sized bottles fly everywhere.

Brody stares up at the ceiling, making a long minuscule whining sound. The desk is finished and everyone is frozen in place. 

“Quitar este loser,” he commanded, pointing down at Brody and flicking his finger at the door. The two guards grabbed Brody and lifted him out of the rubble. 

“As for you two,” he said, turning to Syd and Michael, “clean out your desks!”

“W-why?!” Syd whined

“You can't do this!” Michael begged, his grey eyes bulging, "I have been with this department for thirty years! I was here when your father ran this place!"

O'Hara clenches his jaw and fists. His eyes flash dangerously.

"--Though you do a spectacular job as CEO, WAY better than... It-It really was an honest fluke, I get very overwhelmed with all my responsibilities- please! You can’t fire me!”

He stares down Micheal, considering him a little longer. He drops his scowl and lets his hands free.

“Relax, I’m not firing you or Miss Sarcoth here,” O’Hara says with a falsely kind tone, “I mean, you really should be fired, but a guy your age doesn’t stand a chance in the private sector, so I’m moving you both to the custodial department! They’ll love you there!”

“Oh... well alright,“ Michael mutters, eyes bugged out at the giant financial nuke that missed him by inches.

“Wait, why am I being dragged down too?!” Syd whined, “there’s no proof I was even THERE!”

“There's lots of surveillance of your complacency and possible cooperation, Miss Sarcoth. Don’t even bother trying to argue your way out of this one. Now both of you, off to your new jobs! C’mon! You only get one chance!”

O'Hara gives them both a clenched smile. Syd and Micheal exchange confused stares.

“Go on before I get pissed off,” he said in a colder tone.

They scramble to gather their coats and rush out of the room. Those two jackasses who screwed with your livelihood just to make themselves laugh are now fucking off to whatever hell hole O’Hara has decided to stuff them into.

O’Hara sighs and paces away. He grumbles about idiots fucking around with their goddamn money. You clear your throat. He straightens his anti glare lenses then looks at you.

“Have a seat, since you’re here.”

You sit down where Michael was seated before. You stare this guy down because this is it! You are ready for hellfire. You are ready for searing words and possible loss of a limb or head in the conversation to come. You squint at those red eyes behind the comically large lenses. How has nobody accused him of being a vampire? Either way, you are ready to gamble it all, to hell with being cautious!

You are gonna take this vampire down.

“You are wondering why I canceled our meeting, yeah?” He asks with raised brows.

You are relieved he brought it up first.

“Yeah. Why?”

“I decided I don’t need a secretary,” he said, “turns out it’s too damn stressful and stupid. I’ve been doing just fine with my AI assistant.”

“What about all the people who wanted to work for you?”

“They have their own jobs already, it’s not like they have nothing to go back to.”

“Well I don’t,” you say, gripping the edge of your chair. He makes a curious face.

“You have a job, what do you mean-“

“I’ve been cheated, blackmailed, rejected, declined, and robbed, all because of idiots like Michael and Syd… and that idiot Brody! I’m not about to let a dismissive playboy who fires people left and right, AND moonlights as Spider-Man kick me down without a fight-“

O’Hara comes back over and sits down in his chair quickly, making you flinch, but he’s smiling.

“So you WERE awake when I saved you!”

“Yeah,” you say quietly. You are now shaking but not breaking your stare from his amused expression.

“Now you know who I am and what I do… at least only the tip of that gargantuan iceberg… so what do you want? Money? You gonna blackmail me?”

“What fucking choice do I have?” You say heatedly, “I lost everything down there in that hell hole! My data sticks, my phone, all of that was my LIFE in order, and now I either go further into debt or I get a better job that will take care of me for the rest of my life!”

O’Hara leans back into his chair, his brow furrowed as he rubs his chin.

“Don’t think for a second I’m not grateful for you saving my life! I don’t know how you knew I needed saving but you did!”

“My AI assistant Lyla informed me your location was moving down to a notorious criminal breeding ground. I thought you were one of those Black Market Demons trying to infiltrate Alchemax for drugs.”

“What?”

“I mean the descriptors fit. I guessed you were financially unstable and turning to gambling because you had a Rapture habit. But… you didn’t seem physically unwell like a Rapture user. The only other possibility was that you were being kidnapped. Since I already met you and saw it about to happen, I just couldn’t ignore it.”

You look to the floor, feeling bad about readying yourself to fight this guy.

“I knew you needed help. I'm sorry about your data sticks and all your money. I didn’t know- you do have a bank account, right? I mean, you have a job-”

“My job salary goes there, yeah, but that goes straight into automated payments since I’m on the Alchemax home-employment plan… I have the data sticks because my bank won’t accept anything considered gambling money. And I don’t have enough earnings for an offshore account… so I kept it all on the data sticks…”

He is hanging on every word now. You look up at those sad bespectacled eyes.

“Also… I just wanted some personal spending money for myself. I just wanna wear nice stuff and eat something else besides mineral bars…”

He politely watches you try not to feel sorry for yourself. You are both quiet for a little spell. You can hear the wind outside, and an automated cleaning system starts spraying the shit out of the glass elevator. It sounds like a car wash.  All that coffee on the floor is being washed away.

He sighs and looks out the windows.

“Well, I can’t say I wasn’t impressed at the decade and a half you put into PR work for Alchemax,” he finally says. You wipe away a single tear and look up at him as he pulls up your files on his neat watch. He picks out your best work with his calloused but beautiful hands, “You started running hot meals for the Alchemax elderly program at fifteen years old… went into mail room tech for a while there, occasionally doing lobby work and handling public events… not bad at all.”

"Thanks," you say modestly.

“Most of all, I really admire that you came here. I don’t know how you knew I’d be here, but you must have some great resources to pull that off. I'm impressed.” 

You smile at him weakly. He smiles back.

“What do you think about taking Micheal's old job?” 

“Wha- REALLY?!”

“Ah I’m sure you’ll do fine! Besides, I didn’t know who I was gonna pick as head of PR account and finances, anyway! So, what do you say?”

You stand up and so does he. You extend your hand and he takes it.

“Thank you for this opportunity, sir! I won’t let you down!”

“You actually don’t have a choice.”

You smile but then feel yesterday’s emotions catch up with you. The darkness with the dead bodies and freaky black market demons. Running until your legs were on fire and your lungs hurt. Being surrounded by those demons in the darkness. You dive in for a hug.

“Thank you for saving my life…” you murmur into his shirt.

“C’mon, I’m Spider-Man, it’s what I do.”

You hold your head against those mighty pecs of his. His dress shirt is so silky and soft and smells like the kind of detergent that goes hard like crack. You go ahead and wrap the other arm around him as you behold the heartbeat of a hero, something so rare in any day and age. You will never forget this sensation as he carefully pats your back.

“Ah, okay, just take it all in… I’m only allowing this once… hey, also promise me you'll keep my secret, okay?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"I'm not kidding. If you go telling people I'm Spider-Man, I'll make you clean toilets. SPECIFICALLY toilets. And only toilets."

You start to giggle. He does too.

"Just toilets, all day and all night! I'm serious. I know we are laughing but I'm dead serious. No estoy bromeando! Comprendes?"

"Si comprendes," you manage to muffle out.

"Good, good... Okay get off me. Please.”

You smile and let him go. He gives you an awkward smile and rubs the side of his massive neck. 

"So... seeing as I'm removing Micheal and pretty much any and all staff members who conspired with him, you’ll need to hire your own assisting staff. You have anyone in mind?”

≋≋≋（蜘蛛侠）≋≋≋

“I’m going to lunch!” You call out as you leave your glass paneled office. 

“You want me to go ahead and send out this mass email, dear?” Your mother says from behind her grand desk.

“You let Speshall look at it, right?”

“It’s wordy but I’m sure it’s fine,” Speshall says from her office area. She returns to her phone, “Oh they eloped?! To where?!”

Your new staff has it's own habits but they are much better than the unjust monsters running things before. You walk onto the elevator (the only one since the other two are STILL broken), and the nice Indian man from weeks ago joins you.

"How's life, Arjuna?" You ask.

"Ah, in-laws are staying over for a month."

"Oh? Is that bad?"

"Not really. Let's say I just might jump out a window," he says, slyly.

"Well I know a few custodians perfect for the job!" you blurt out. The both of you crack up laughing. You fortunately don't have to ever see Micheal, Syd, and Brody on a daily basis since O'Hara sent them off to clean in the Alchemax Museum of Tech, but that hasn't stopped you or your friends from making them the butt of all your jokes.

You walk out into the lobby of the Alchemax Business Bureau, where you see your red Maglev Nova outside waiting in the rain. 

“All fueled up, boss!” Says the old receptionist behind the counter. He’s drinking his coffee in peace.

“Thanks, Stan!” You say.

You walk outside to your car. The paint job was redone and all her internal issues gone as she hums cleanly, awaiting your arrival. You open the door to get in.

"HEY!"

You look over the Nova. You see O'Hara across the street.

“Miguel! Hey!” 

“Hey! We doin’ this?”

“Yeah! I got some coupons for double thick enchiladas! Two for the price of one!”

“Ay, you and those coupons! I told you, I’m buying! Woah-“

He steps back as a truck flies past him. It drives right through a puddle, drenching the man. He stands there all stunned; his jacket was folded on his arm and his dress shirt soaked.

He gapes at you and you realize you are staring at the wet shirt clinging to his chiseled body. 

“We- we can stop by the dry cleaners on the way," you stammer as you politely look away.

๋࣭ ⭑🕸 fin 🕸๋࣭ ⭑

Thank you for reading.

[maygirlsposts]

4,14,24,37,39 and 40 for Piper and Leo!

@scarareg Thank you so much for your ask!

leo x piper is kinda my self-indulgent secret ship heh, it's nice to talk about it sometimes hgjfkl;

4. Their favorite show to watch together?

I think they would love watching stupid movies (romcoms or unnecessarily sentimental and cheesy) together not bc they like them but so that they could make fun of the lines/scenes together like best friends do (bc ofc they are best friends first, lovers later). leo mimicking them in his stupid way, and piper giggling and rofling about like a buffalo the way she can't before others. they are the kinda couple who would enjoy everything they watch together.

but their ultimate fav, repeat to 10000x movie list till they have memorized every line is HTTYD, cuz yeah, leo-hiccup, toothless-festus, and ig piper is a lot like astrid? AND DRAgons!!! so yeah their go-to, top-of-head movie when they are lazy to try something new

(the only thing they never watch is tristan mclean movies lmao)

14. Who falls asleep during a movie?

Neither, but on hectic days when they are super tired, both of them catch the sleep bug and fall asleep.

if Leo is first to wake up to find the movie is over, he'd pick up piper and carry her to their bed, taking care she doesn't wake up (watching her sleep is secretly his fav thing, yk cuz of piper's cute way of sleeping: "inhaling through the nose, exhaling with a little puff through the mouth" and "her hair looked like it had become a nest for a friendly hamster")

on the other hand, if piper is first to wake, she'd prob simply arrange some pillows for their necks and go back to sleep, snuggling into him bc no chance she is getting cold lol

which brings me to the next choice!

24. Sleeping/cuddling positions? (Big spoon, little spoon, etc.)?

ggfhjk i love this question specifically for this ship cuz Piper is 100% the little spoon!

iirc (forgive me my knowledge of HoO is getting rusty! seriously, it's time for a full reread T_T) both piper and leo are the same height, right? maybe as adults, leo gets a late growth spurt of a couple of inches over her (which is annoying cuz leo is finally taller but secretly she likes it, cuz perfect for a side snuggle)

even otherwise, piper is always, subconsciously snuggling into his side cuz he is so hot warm. even if he hasn't used his fire, there is always some residual warmth in him all the time, which she has got used to searching out for. say, if leo gets up in the middle of the night to drink some water/got a brand new design idea in his head he just has to jot down NOW,,, by the time he returns to bed, piper is completely rolled up in his side of the bed, searching for him in her sleep (he loves this habit of hers! it also probs makes him feel better about his fire too)

iirc, his mom's warehouse caught fire in the middle of winter, right?? ig he'd slowly come to like winters better, bc of piper snuggling more into him during winters agfhjk

and iirc, he likes to sleep with a hug pillow, right? his old hug pillow has been replaced by piper!

39. Do they get along with the other's family? If not, how do they deal with the other's family?

on leo's side, hephaestus will be very suspicious of the daughter of aphrodite (cuz of his own experience with her) but talking to piper, he will be slightly mollified abt her… yet, his advice for Leo always will be to trust his machines more than the human specimen of his girlfriend (ofc leo won't take it seriously)

//toa spoilers/// now josephine and hemithea are his foster mothers i am sure piper would get along with them super well as well <3

on piper's side, leo has already met Tristan in Lost Hero and knows him as piper's friend, so he'd be pretty much chill with what pipes does and who she dates,, he might try to give Leo The Talk as his duty as her father, but Piper would kick her dad out before that ever happens (Leo just being the awkward bean like during the whole helicopter ride in TLH lol)

oth, leo would be mildly (understated) scared of Aphrodite. if they ever meet her (by chance) he'd keep fidgeting and tapping 'i love you' on his jeans till piper clasps his hand and taps back 'it's okay' but i think aphrodite won't be as scary as leo imagines in his head; she'd probs find him amusing and intrigued that her daughter actually prefers leo over jason.

40. Who is the skilled shopper for holidays? Who always waits 'til the last minute to get all of their gifts? (Which one gets stressed out easily)?

piper! she won't--but she would use her charmspeak to bargain for the best prices in those overly expensive, money grabbing malls, something that leo always finds terrifyingly awesome lmao,, piper gets excited for holiday shopping and stuff whereas leo tags along obediently (and use his magic toolbelt to stove away the shopping bags lol)

leo always forgets all of the important days because of his adhd (extreme even by demigod standards) and piper, having known him for long, understands this and never gets mad or anything but he'd always feel guilty about this and makes up for it in a completely random surprise gift he handdesigns for her. Of course, piper loves his stupid (affectionately) and most times, completely non-functional (cuz Leo himself doesn't know what they do loool but they are always weirdly complicated) gifts so much! like say a music box that goes moo! but bake out fresh cookies lmao

[siennaditbot]

Just finished watching all of Kim Possible for the first time ever (and in English) and man, it's such a great show.

I did watch it as a kid whenever it aired in Finnish. (I miss those fun school mornings...) The dub was ok as well, though I won't go back to that again. Did check for some clips and I'm glad I was able to watch it back then, but CCR and Will Friedle are so good. The others are too, ofc.

Anyway, back then it was all tainted by my own feelings, cuz I too had a guy childhood best friend I had feelings for. I saw him and myself in them and wanted the same yadda yadda yadda. Well, stuff happened and we haven't talked in at least a year. No big, pfft.

At least this time I got to enjoy this show without them stupid feelings affecting my experience lol. (Except with the So the Drama "a loop has been formed and I'm not in it" and all the Ron feelings about Kim finding someone else. Ugh, been there.)

Anyway, binge watching gave me a completely new experience. Not much shipping related stuff in the first 2 seasons, though there were some I giggled over and replayed to analyze. Mostly just best friends being best friends. No significant awkwardness.

Seasons 3 and 4 though? GAHH. So much ship teasing. Emotion Sickness is my absolute fav episode with Kim getting a device that controls emotions and makes her fall in love with Ron, and the guy's so confused but also so so lovestruck. (He didn't know abt the device at first btw)

I love all those soff little Ron moments, I keep replaying them over and over.

"It (them dating) could happen!"

"It's not that I haven't thought about it, I mean who hasn't?"

"What's not to like about Kim? She's smart and cute..."

"Something's different now. I mean there's something between us... Who am I kidding, that's not different. There's been something there for a long time. I think there's something there. Does she?"

Gahhh I love soff Ron so much.

Also yes I am the type to rewatch all the soft and kissy scenes over and over, there are others too since compilation videos exist!!

Anyway, just realized how most of their kisses are initiated by Kim, but my favourites? (Lol that feels cringe to say. Fav kisses? Pfft) Either both going in or initiated by Ron! (The Emotion Sickness one is great too, Ron's so love struck!!! Adorable.)

-> So the Drama dance scene (THEY'RE SO SOFF GO LOOK AT THEIR FACES), one where they run into each other's arms, and the final one where Ron places his hands on her face and goes in first.

I never knew how much I wanted to do a forehead touch->kiss or have someone hold my face like that.

Also S1 EP1 Ron voice superiority. So low and cute. That makes me swoon. Gahhhh. Rewatched the first few minutes and DANG I WISH HE KEPT THAT VOICE. I'm barely able to form a sentence rn. Gahh.

Also adore all the denial scenes, Kim's too. Girl's so jealous of Yori. "Awk-weird" to bring your best friend as a kinda date to an event? Oh yeah, feed me. I love the awkward pre-dating stage so much that I'm mad my Sonic fic doesn't have more of it lol.

All the tiny nods to stuff changing during season 3? Ron going "She's not my girlfriend!!" to Shego of all people, all of a sudden and without probing, just cuz she asked where Kim was! I love him.

Also, the theme song is banger. Also also, I set the communicator beep-beep-be-beep as my notif sound. Kinda confusing while watching, though, heh.

Was that all? I think so, maybe. I'm pretty sure no one will read this but hey, what is Tumblr for if not stuff like this. Yay for fictional men and couples!

As a final note, I don't think Ron's an absolute swoon worthy guy (barely feel compelled to draw him), I just appreciate guys being soft. Yes, go talk about your feelings and yes, stutter your way to victory!

Anyway, now I'm done.

I'mma throw some gifs under the cut though.

JUST LOOK AT THEM AND THEIR SOFF FACES AND EYES AAAAAAAAAAA

[raamitsu]

I won't be able to post screenshots for today's episode of BLEACH cuz I am at the hospital, visiting my father (this is the second day btw heh). I'm not sure how long my dad will be staying here but in case I couldn't post JJK leaks next week, I'll let yall know as soon as possible ☺️

[zhxngii]

Okok so 🤭

My submission for your event ❤️

🦋 Name: Dresvi; Vi; Dres - you decide 💞

🦋 Description:

Gameplay; I was a Razor main for a long time - then I became the Albedo main I am now ❤️ I don't have a weapon I absolutely hate or can't stand - but I noticed that I barely play pole arm users :( also, I don't like Xiao's, Hu Taos, Dehyas, Heizous, Cynos gameplay that much - its just boring to me idk I can't really explain.. but I love Xingqius, Ventis and Qiqis gameplay the most atm! (Soon also Baizhus 🤭) it's just so elegant and easy to do! And the combination is great too - freeze and swirl! My gameplay is basically "random bullshit go" I am not that much of a strategical playing person - as long as the enemy dies, everythings good 💞 so yea, I also don't care much 'bout meta

Personality: um my friends would describe me as a caring, gentle person - who ya can always vent to / go to when you have problems. Many people also say I have some kind of Rizz (even people on Tumblr here 👁️) but I am just being honest with them 🤭 but also; even I am not perfect. I am very clumsy and also I have a hard time opening up (especially about my past), sadly - but I am glad I have my friends with me who are understanding! ❤️ Also a very important personality trait of mine: I love to learn / experience new things! I want to learn as much new things in life as I can - so I can grow as a person and use this wisdom to help other people! And also cuz the world is so interesting and also the things with it are too! Cuz of that - I tend to ask many questions but that's alright! The people I am with know I mean no harm with them; it's quite the opposite actually; I just want to learn new things! 🫶 Oh I nearly forgot - I am often quite happy and just.. excited! But when I am angry or sad, I have a hard time to express it / communicate it :( still need to learn how to do it, but I'll do my best! ❤️

🦋 Scenario: anything ya think of, dear! 🫶

🦋 Use of vision: yes, sure - I wanna see the surprise 👁️

Take your time with the matchup please! 🫶❤️

Get enough rest, eat enough and stay hydrated dear! 💞

Btw - you're one of the first Tumblr writer I found and followed here! And I am glad about that! You seem like a great person!! 💫

Also you're the first ever Tumblr writer I interacted to 🤭

Just felt like saying it, heh ❤️

Have a great day / night dear!! 💞

(1k event found here!)

Vision: Anemo, Partner: Baizhu

Scenario(s):

he loves your excitement when you two try out new things, it's just adorable to him! Honestly, he didn't expect you to agree so quickly when he wanted to... try something. little did you know that it'd involve him using his vision when you two were getting intimate.

as you lie comfortably in front of him, he kisses you deeply and passionately. his hands feel up your body gently, not too rough as he wants to savor this moment.

it was a bit of a shock when you felt more than just his hands roaming around your body, the tips of the vines that caressed you were quite... strange but they moved just as softly as his hands did.

they would often touch along your nipples when his hands were busy holding your waist or keeping your legs open while he focused on where you wanted him most.

he did indeed love to please you whenever he got the chance.