#i am autistic and i love love LOVE having pressure on my body

[theo-grayson]

OH MY GOD GUYS. GUYS. FIRST EVER BINDER ORDERED. OH MY GOD

[fatal-blow]

actually speaking of that "everything i love causes carpal tunnel" shirt i know! a muscle that causes carpal tunnel-like symptoms!

the bad news is that it's the underside of the shoulder blade, but the good news is that once you figure out how to reach it, it's quite easy to release!

anyways meet the subcapularis

(all images taken from Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction (3rd Edition) by Travell et al)

the subcapularis helps pull the shoulder forward and rotate it inwards, meaning it's involved in many activities which cause the much dreaded carpal tunnel--yes, even though it's nowhere near the wrist. the anatomy of the shoulder makes it easy for nerves and vessels to get compressed, causing all sorts of fun symptoms like pain, tingling, and cold fingers.

this is the referred symptom zone:

obligatory i am not a doctor, just very autistic about musculoskeletal pain, and can't guarantee this massage will help your carpal tunnel symptoms, but I will say that uhhh every time I do this for myself i can feel all blood and sensation rush back into my arm, and it's always best to try massage before more invasive stuff like surgery

--

1. Find a spot where you can sit, feet planted on the ground, and lean forward and rest your head on something with your arm hanging down between your legs. This will slide the shoulder blade to the side of the ribs, where you can reach the underside.

2. Above is what the subcapularis looks like with the surrounding muscles. Using your fingertips (you might wanna cut your nails) or your thumb if preferred, find the bony edge of the shoulder blade, and start poking around the underside.

3. You'll most likely only be able to reach the edge of the muscle, but that's enough! When you press into it, you will probably feel like you're reproducing your symptoms. Don't worry; you aren't hurting yourself and in fact this means you're in the right spot! Massage it gently, enough to feel it but not enough to wince, until you can't find anymore painful spots (or until you feel better, sometimes you can't get it all in one session).

3.5. If your pain increases overall, don't do it. Though pressure should elicit symptoms, this type of massage should provide pretty immediate relief, and if it doesn't then either some other muscle(s) is involved or it's not muscle related at all.

4. Finish up by rolling your shoulder back, like you're stretching out your chest/reaching behind you, a few times. It's normal to hear clicking--good, actually, that's the sound of your body realigning.

5. I recommend doing this at least daily, even after the symptoms have eased, until it's no longer sensitive to massage. Keep in mind that this muscle has been overused, and that the muscles that oppose it have weakened. It will keep trying to tighten up again until the weakened muscles have recovered, so you need to actively treat it and keep an eye out for habits that cause you to roll the shoulder forward.

And that's it! If you intend to resume carpal tunnel inducing activities ASAP, see if you can take a moment every 30 minutes or so to do a quick shoulder stretch. This helps prevent the muscle from tightening, and you only need to spend moments to do so. Quick breaks like this actually go a long way towards preventing injury, and help you keep working without interrupting the flow to go do some body maintenance :P

[teddybeartoji]

mickey i need ur thoughts on jjk men (esp satoru) helping out and showing love for their partner with autism

like uuuuuuuu i was thinking abt toru keeping a pair of his sunglasses with him hust in case youre visually overwhelmed. ORRRR him teleporting you to a quieter space when he notices that theres too many complex sounds that are upsetting you.

ughhhhh like imagine one of them remembering that pressure is soothing for you and js puts their full body weight whenever you come back home from a bad day.

GUHHHH them keeping candles of your favorite scents and alwaya makes sure to keep your safe foods stocked up whenever you visit

OH NOW I'M REALLY KISSING YOU GRAY MY BELOVED!!! THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL LITTLE ASK WAHHH I GOT SO GIDDY

i agree with everything you said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now i know that every single one of them would do anything and everything to help you out!! but i did pick some things out that really made me think of them!!! anyway hello my fellow autistic ppl this one is for you all i love you very very much<333

satoru 100% carries extra sunglasses with him and i think he'd actually carry his black blindfold aswell. obvs he's not gonna make you wear it as you're moving through public but he'd lead you to a quiet spot and then just let you have a moment. he's either sitting you down next to him or he's holding you against his chest, protecting you from every single ray of light that could possibly make it any worse for you. bc honestly... sunglasses are sometimes just not enough for me personally. i've had my fair share of times where i just have to cover my eyes with my hands bc it just hurts so much.

we all know that satoru is a big yapper but i know he needs his quiet time too. i think he would love to just Do Nothing with you in complete silence. maybe you're both just taking a nap together, maybe you're just laying in the sun out in the park. maybe you're resting your head on his lap, maybe he's resting his on yours. it's all just about gentle touches and looks.

he loves it when you ramble and he's literally your biggest hypeman!! he's ready to spend all of his fucking money on you and any fucking equipment you could ever need. you want a new game or a new console? they're both already waiting for you at home. you want to start drawing? he has already ordered a tablet for you to practise on. you want to get into photography? he's buying you a camera and three different lenses. he wants you to be happy and he wants you to be able to do everything you could ever possibly want. he's just the sweetest guy ever i am crying rn actually:((

he's the best little autism bf btw. bc he gets it. he understand. he knows. he knows all about the light sensitivity. he knows all about the difficulty of eating "normal" foods, always munching on candy and snacks bc that's just easier. he knows about the fidgeting, he knows about the innate need to have somebody lay on top of you. he knows about the rambling and the hyperfixations. he knows about the confusing social clues and the ridiculous differences of speaking tones. he knows about the eye-contact problems - whether you're someone, who struggles to keep it or you're someone, who can't tear your eyes from everybody else just like him - he understands! he knows about being straighforward and speaking exactly what's on your mind and then being scolded for it. he knows about Not Really Understanding personal space. he truly does understand and he's ready to do anything and everything to help you cope with Life.

toji is theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee best weighted blanket and i stand by that. he's so fucking huge and he's so fucking heavy - he's perfect. he's gonna tease you about it but just a little!! you tug him by his hand and he gladly takes his place on top of you bc let's be honest... he's gonna love it, too. he's protecting you! he's taking care of you in a way that doesn't need words! he's trying his best! and if this is what you need - he is going to do it!!!

also with the light and sound sensitivity - he'd gladly pull you into his chest and cover your eyes with his big ass palm. and it would feel soo comforting wtf. the weight of it and just the fact that it's him?? fuck, i know it'd be so good. or your ears. he's placing them on your ears, muffling the overwhelming sounds while cradling you and wahh:(( he'd make you feel so safe.

suguru and shoko and parallel play. it's amazing. they will read a book while you're gaming. or suguru's painting while you're reading. or shoko's having her morning smoke and coffee while you're doing your skincare (i'm sorry i just can't get out the beautiful picture of her sitting on the little windowsill of your bathroom, a cig inbetween her fingers and a cup of coffe in her hand. no words are being spoken - it's just the sound of the birds outside, the water running and her gulping down her little espresso. thank you for listening.)

or suguru's doing his little home workout routine as you're crocheting. or it's you and shoko just laying on your shared bed scrolling on your phones in silence. could literally be whatever. they're gonna glance at you every once in a while, they're gonna ask how you're doing, how you're feeling and then they're gonna give you a tender smile and a kiss on your cheek and continue on. i'm melting just thinking about it.

suguru is obviously also going to be there for you if you have sleeping problems. he understands them all too well and he's pulling out all the stops to help you fall asleep (and himself). he's gonna make the tea one night and you'll make it the next night. it's equal. maybe you're also going to take a lovely little bath together, you'll giggle exhaustedly as you both slur out very stupid jokes and after that you'll both climb under the covers and take turns in listening to each others heartbeats and (hopefully) fall asleep.

shoko and sarcasm. she definitely makes a lot of sarcastic jokes and comments and she'll be a bit confused at first when you just blurt out the good-old "i don't know whether you're joking or not". but i think she'd find it super cute. she'll still occasionally make the comments but she'll make sure to check in whether you got it or not. i think she would tease but she'd do it very lightly (she definitely cackles when satoru doesn't understand sarcasm though lmao but you're her baby and she doesn't want you to feel bad). and i think she would love if you made terrible sarcastic jokes. like she would laugh until there are tears prickling in her eyes and you'd still be like ????? i don't understand and then she'd laugh even more. she's so cute.

kento is always ready to cook for you. he understands how hard it can be, how overwhelming it can be. he doesn't mind it a bit. i truly think this would be good for the both of you! he loves to cook and it's such a relaxing thing for him, and it's even better now that he knows he can see you fill your cheeks with delight. he needs you to eat well and he will make sure you do!

i also think that he's so patient with you and he'd never ever make you feel like you have to speak with him. he buys little plushies that you can turn inside-out, a pink side and a blue side - indicating how you're doing on the Speaking department that day. and these tiny interactive pins and you can express whatever you're feeling without ever speaking a word. he never pressures you in any way, always just reward you with more reassurance and a kiss to your temple.

he's ALSO the best listener. like he never talks over you. never. not even on an accident???? it's a superpower i think. he let's you talk at your own pace and he just stares at you with very soft eyes:((

wait i also think that shoko, utahime and yuki would gladly speak for you. in a sense of if you have social anxiety or you stutter or anything like that, they'd easily take up the task of ordering for you! they literally have all of your orders remembered and everything.

[outro-jo]

skz with autistic partners

pairing: stray kids members x reader

type: scenario

summary: how the skz members help their autistic partners

warning: mentions overstimulation, touch in han’s, food, non speaking periods, stimming

a/n: happy autism awareness/acceptance month! i am fully aware of my autism and have come to accept it 🙃 yes, i am autistic and some of these scenarios i have experienced myself. also they’re all probably good at a lot of these but i just stuck to like one (twoish for hannie) per… thing. idk i can’t think. i wrote skz first bc they felt the safest when it came to being autistic/nd but lmk if y’all want any other groups

masterlist | info

———————————

chan- chris makes a big mistake every few months by showing you a new song he’s working on and it triggers your auditory stim. he’ll have to email you the file so you can listen to it on repeat until the next one is finished. all it takes is a look and he sighs knowing he has to send you the file right away. 

lee know- the best at respecting you during your non speaking periods. he finds all kinds of different ways to communicate without you having to speak. it’s usually by text but sometimes he’ll use his hands for opinions and even learn a little sign language. he’s also careful not to talk too much or be too loud bc he knows these times are usually bc you’re overstimulated.

changbin- always keeps a backup pair of headphones in his bag. you’re usually pretty good about charging your headphones before going anywhere but just in case, he’s got a pair on standby.

hyunjin- super careful with his art. one time he drew something that slightly resembled holes and you were so triggered you screamed off and on for like an hour. 

han- great at deep pressure. he always checks before hugging or touching you but if you’re feeling overstimulated and need a tight hug, jisung’s your man. also really great at body doubling so you can get some work done.

felix- truly the best when it comes to safe foods. he knows if it’s not safe, you don’t eat and he wants to make sure you always eat. good at making excuses for other people when you’re out so you can eat your safe foods and not feel judged. always has some kind of safe snack in his bag. 

seungmin- best listener. he’ll ask you one or two questions about your special interests and let’s you talk as much as you want. even if he has absolutely no interest in the topic, he still just likes for you to talk about it as much as you want. also loves when you just start talking about it randomly. 

i.n- BEST PEBBLER!!! not only does he love when you give him little random gifts but he’s really the best at giving gifts. he always finds the coolest rocks it’s truly insane. he keeps his little collection of trinkets you give him lined up on his dresser (it’s lined up perfectly and it’s so satisfying). if you’re into bugs he also sends you pics of the bugs he finds.

[angelinasnotebooks]

Hate that my form of hyperfixation is consuming and not creating.

I think I've been falling in love with ideas my whole life. I see colors and concepts and characters, and I want every part of the illusion to play around my body and immerse my mind and soul. I thought growing up I would be an artist. When that mentally shattered, I moved on to thinking I would become an author. Now, however, I don't know what or who I'll be. All I know is that my brain never stops coming up with ideas. 

Yet, with all these ideas comes the possibility of creation. It's what I want, isn't it? I want to create these pictures and stories and share them with the world. So, why am I motionless in my pursuit to bring my mind to life? I have a library in my head. There's a girl in there. Her favorite color is blue. She doesn't know if life is worth living. I have an art museum there too. There's a portrait of a dying renegade, and a demon alter ego desiring joy. Then there's the realm of fandoms. The endless multiverse of continuations and alternatives.  

There's a lot going on inside my brain and imagination. Chemicals I do not understand and signals I cannot control. An abundance of beauty only an individual can conjure with their subjectivity. With no outlet for these thoughts and images, I find it all to be too much at times. Wings heavy on my back and flightless under the pressure. The ability to soar is there, but the weight within is burdensome.  

Every day I come up with something new. Some ideas are fresh while others are another line on the loom, but that is all they are. Thoughts. Ideas. Invisible whisps, webs, and wishes. It's as if the only part of my frontal lobe that works is that of imagination and complex thinking. I attempt short stories, painting, studying, chores, school projects, craft projects and I never get them done. Planning, time management, logical reasoning, and decision-making have all taken a backseat. I can't get any of them done, so I turn to what has already been done. 

I rewatch a favorite show. I read another fanfic. I click on a YouTube video and another. I scroll Tumblr. I read character analysis. I try on the clothes in my closet. I add shit to my wish list. I post photos from two months ago on my Instagram. I relate to autistic ADHD tiktokers. I pretend Pinterest will help me get my life together. I think about the MCU. I watch another comfort, crime, haunted, mythical series. I visit my AO3 bookmarks. I doom scroll whatever app I can get my eyes on. I turn thirteen again and either spiral into a depressive state or become infatuated with the Hunger Games--again.

The point is, I can't force my brain to work on the original ideas. Sitting at a desk with supplies doesn't get my hands moving. I fall numb waiting for my body and mind to comply with my intentions. So, I end up here again. Hitting a heart button to let other people know that their commentary and hard work have reached me, and I liked it.  

I don’t want all my ideas and universes to end where they are. I don’t want to minimize or invalidate my existence, or the experiences of others like me, by remaining artistically stagnant. I want my mind to be a visual tangible galaxy free to be roamed and explored. I want to have my heart in my hands, and I want to give it to every single person that I can. I want these thoughts, these precious ideas out of my head and into yours, dear reader. I don't want to consume; I want to create. If I'm going to go down the rabbit hole, I want to be the rabbit. The entrance maker. Not the lost girl I am right now. 

[kisstheashes]

god those "puberty as an afab was violent" posts are so. fucking weird to me. not a goddamn once have I felt that puberty was violent, and I'm not even cis! maybe it's because i started puberty at 10 years old, far younger than I'm sure most even on here, or maybe it's because i grew up mormon, and had always been told to cover my body. maybe it's because i was...ignorant, and naive, and autistic. maybe it was because i was unpopular everywhere to the point of not existing at all, so no one but a few church members pressured me to be girly or wear makeup or be a normal teenage girl. i didnt have many friends but i didnt really have bullies or any love interests either. maybe it was because during this entire time of my life my mom nearly died 4 or 5 different times, and being in poverty with a parent chronically in the hospital with the other being abusive takes precedence in your little baby mind.

but like. it's so damn weird. why does every other person seem to agree with this. im not even cis and i don't resent or hate any of what i am. maybe its about conditioning, and society, but frankly the only main struggle ive had with that outside of general not cis feelings is my leg hair.

but maybe i also just don't remember my teenage years that well.

[asexual-abomination]

This is the first part of a rewrite of the series that brought attention to my blog in the first place! When I wrote this series originally, it was at midnight when I couldn’t sleep because I had COVID, so I always wanted to come back and rewrite it with a clearer mind.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, cause I’ve been real stressed about university, but waking up to new notes on this blog is always a highlight of my day! I have so many WIPs for hxh, Overwatch, ff7, the batfamily, and now the spider-verse movies, but I’ve been struggling to complete them to an extent that I feel is worth posting.

Please leave a comment if you want me to rewrite the rest of the series!

Platonic!Yandere!Phantom Troupe X Autistic Reader (Soulmate AU)

Content warnings: Yandere, vague mentions of violence. Read at your own discretion.

“To my dearest soulmate.-“

No, too affectionate.

“To my soulmate, I am incredibly excited to welcome you here-“

The sentence is jarring, start with an introduction.

“To my soulmate, my name is YN, and I am so excited to finally have the chance to communicate with you!”

Good enough. You were so happy to be writing a letter like this, being able to rewrite and start over as often as needed, without the pressure of saying it right in the first try.

Having finished one sentence, you sighed as you looked down at the number of things you had crossed out before it seemed right. Then, you turned to your notebook, where you had spent years collating everything you wanted to put into this letter, trying to find some inspiration for what to do next.

“I have been awaiting this day, carved into our bodies, for my entire life.”

Was that too formal? Too strong?

Ugh. This was hard.

You despised knowing nothing about your soulmate, the enigma of their identity making them feel otherworldly and strange. Without knowing even the slightest bit about who they were, you had no frame of reference for what they would consider too much or too fast, leaving you to blindly feel your way towards a half-coherent letter.

Jo was sat across from you, in their favourite shabby armchair, pretending to watch the football you had put on for background noise, and not-so-secretly keeping an eye on you. From your dejected sigh as you curled up on the sofa, your childhood friend could tell what was bothering you from a single glance.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, they’re your soulmate, they’ll love you no matter what.”

“But they shouldn’t!” You sighed, “I want to impress them, make them feel welcomed and happy!”

“And that’s what I’m gettin’ at! Their personality must be suited enough to yours that they’ll find your way of doin’ things loveable!”

You grumbled with no coherent response, looking again at your paper.

They’d find your way of doing things loveable.

You could work with that.

“I hope that I, and my friends, can make you feel happy and welcomed in my home. The time we will spend, with our bodies swapped, will be precious, and there will never be another time like it in our lives. You are precious to me.”

Your lips tugged downward in a frown at the last line, the irritating thoughts about potentially annoying your soulmate flooding you again. You had just let the pen run wild, trying to encapsulate even the smallest fraction of your feelings about the situation, which always ended up feeling like too much as your emotions overwhelmed you.

Just as you considered scrapping the whole thing and starting again from scratch, Jo caught your eye with a stern glare, as they always did when you doubted yourself.

“I have longed to know who you are for years; your mystery has entranced me. I want to see the destiny the universe has seen fit to bestow upon us both."

As you relaxed into the motions of the pen, the waterfall of words falling from your fingers, you stunned yourself with short poetic verses.

"Even though romance holds no place in what has been destined for us, I want to make you so happy that you may bear your heart to me as I may for you. Please take care of my body while you have it. I hope that one day I might trust with this on more than just blind faith.

All my love, from the bottom of my heart, your soulmate."

It felt weak. You felt weak.

Was it really right to say you loved someone you hadn't met? Even as soulmates, it felt like a betrayal.

"Hey Jo, do you mind reading through this for me? If I keep looking at it, I'll either throw it away or throw up."

"Ahh, YN, you know I'm not so good with words and that stuff, yeah? That's your job, ain't it?"

"Oh, hush, I've read your poetry, you big romantic!"

"What?"

You quickly hurried past them, dropping the drafted letter onto their lap before heading to the kitchen. Your hands were shaking; you needed to get some water before you passed out.

Your breaths were coming short as you downed a second glass of water, one arm shakily holding the lip of the sink for support as the anxiety began to weigh on your mind. You had less than a week; on this Sunday evening, you'd lie in bed and wake up in the body of your soulmate. It was Tuesday evening, the soft autumn air swirling dead leaves outside your window.

A phone began ringing in the living room, so you set down your glass on the draining board and began heading back through, only to realise the call wasn't for you when you heard Jo's voice.

"Yeah, I hear ya. No need to yell, old man... Oh, shut yer trap; you know I'm only half joking... You know I said wasn't working tonight... Yeah, yeah... You piece of shit! Fine, I'll be there, but you better be payin' me double time for this shit."

Jo rounded the corner, grumbling under their breath. They paused at your side, leaning in slightly to speak, the smell of beer on their breath and thankfully not overwhelming.

"Listen, yer letter was grand, okay? You've got a talent for these sortsa things. I've gotta head out, alright? Probably won't be back until morning. I'll bring you back something nice alright, repayment for skipping what should have been a nice night together."

"It's alright, really. Just take care of yourself, okay?" You reassured them.

They walked out into the biting chill, heading down a dark alley like it was their own front door.

--//--

Chrollo looked himself in the eyes, the cold water he splashed on his face dripping from his hair.

He had felt strange the past few days, like something was clinging to the back of his mind, tugging his attention away from his work. As if a song was stuck in his head, but he couldn't remember the melody.

The Mediterranean heat must have been getting to his head; that was the only explanation. He composed himself, wiping his brow before he went to slick his hair back, turning his focus to the heist he and the Troupe would be carrying out that Sunday.

--//--

The week had been long and stressful for everyone involved. You tried not to be too much of a perfectionist, but you wanted to make the best impression possible.

The morning of the day you would switch was upon you, and you came downstairs to find Jo asleep on your couch, as they often were. You smiled at their sleeping face, very peaceful compared to their usual furrowed brow.

Their face was made up of sharp lines, almost geometric perfection, except for the mess of freckles covering their cheeks and forehead, adding just a hint of softness.

As you prepared breakfast for the two of you, Jo woke up with a sleepy groan, trudging over to the kitchen counter.

"Today's the day, huh? The last day of me being your best friend?"

"Jo! Don't say it like that! I'll always love you, you know that!" You defended yourself.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm just joking. You deserve to be happy with your soulmate."

You frowned at that again, remembering the situation with Jo's own soulmate. You had both been so excited to look her up after the switch, only to discover that she had died in a sudden car crash within an hour.

After that, they became much more clingy with your time. When they were around, at least. They had also begun taking on many more "jobs" that took them far away.

You sympathised with their situation, but you could tell they harboured jealousy for your soulmate.

You sat down on the couch, breakfast in hand, as Jo came to sit at your side. You flicked through channels on TV, trying to alleviate the awkward tension that fell over the room.

"Listen, I'm not jealous."

"It's okay to admit it; I can understand your perspective! But you can't keep me from my soulmate!"

"No, it's not that! It's more that I'm... paranoid."

"Paranoid, about... what, exactly?"

"About your soulmate! I can't explain it, but I've got this bad feeling!"

"A bad feeling? What kind of bad feeling?"

You learned a long time ago that Jo's intuition was often correct, but were they really concerned or just trying to pull you and your soulmate apart?

"I just said, I can't explain it! I just don't want anything bad to happen to you!"

You sighed as you felt that both of you were becoming too worked up.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to accuse you. I think... we're all quite stressed right now. Let's have a proper talk when we're not all so high-strung."

"Yeah, yeah."

Today was gonna be fun.

--//--

Chrollo smiled at the carnage surrounding him, watching as his friends unleashed their power on these pathetic guards. They heard the approaching rumble of reinforcements, which, by their calculations, should contain the man they were after.

His incredible enhancer ability would be handy for Chrollo, so they had spent days sieging the fortress he defended. As Nobunaga took to whittling down the primary reinforcements, Chrollo found himself distracted once again. That strange feeling in the back of his head, the itch he couldn't scratch, saying that something was wrong.

He shook his head to free himself of these thoughts, as the intimidating man faced him, seemingly unaware of exactly who he was fighting.

--//--

Despite your small fight with Jo, the day had gone well. You had prepared several cakes, which you poured plenty of love into. You also wrote your letter into one coherent piece and placed it in an envelope, which you taped to inside of your bedroom door.

A group of your friends arrived, all bearing various snacks and drinks to add to the table. As the conversation began to flow, you anxiously reminded them of the careful limits you had gone over for what they were allowed to say to your soulmate. They all laughed and smiled, promising to go along.

Almost on autopilot, you turned to Jo for reassurance, and they were in a good enough mood to laugh softly and promise to keep the others in line.

You knew Jo wouldn't go back on their word, no matter their personal feelings about the situation.

With everything laid out enticingly on a coffee table, you retired to your bedroom for the night, your gut swirling with anxiety and excitement.

You laid back on your bed, crossing your hands across your stomach. You had until exactly 21:29 to wait for the switch.

Looking over at the clock you had bought for this express purpose, you saw 21:27.

It'll probably feel like forever, you thought, plenty of time to get comfortable.

21:28

That's fine; you took a few deep breaths, settling down into your pillows. You closed your eyes softly.

Breathing deeply. With your eyes closed.

In, and out, in, and out.

Curiosity got the better of you.

Your eyes snapped open, turning back to the clock, getting to see just the slightest glimpse of 21:29 before everything changed.

--//--

Chrollo sighed from the driver's seat, just a straight highway unfolding seemingly infinitely in front and behind him. Confident in his ability to avoid traffic by instinct, he allowed his eyes to drift to the clock on the screen, 00:28 blinking back at him.

That time bothered him.

It wasn't unusual for him to stay up past midnight, more common than not, in fact, but that itch he couldn't scratch, that sweet song that slipped his mind's grasp, was back in full force, making him grit his teeth in irritation.

He returned his eyes to the road before him, though he only caught a glimpse of the asphalt-laden horizon before everything changed.

--//--

In a moment, you felt everything shift. You could feel it down to the change in the structure of your skeleton. Every muscle was different, every sensation infinitely sharpened by the new body you inhabited.

You felt that you were sitting, not lying down. You saw that you were looking out at a road.

And then, finally, you realised you were driving the car.

It was common knowledge that the swap allowed people to speak in the native tongue of their soulmate, but you wondered if you would be the first to discover that the same thing applied to driving skills.

You focused on the road and on keeping your breathing steady, aware that a panic attack here would result in much more than a headache and a sore throat in the long run.

Once finally began to calm down, you briefly peeled your eyes off the road to look your soulmate in the eyes in the rearview mirror. His grey eyes were striking, and his raven black hair was slicked back to his head, revealing a strange tattoo in the centre of his forehead. He was quite attractive, all things considered.

You felt a brush of air across your chest and again glanced down to notice you were completely shirtless, other than a feathery collared jacket that did nothing to hide your soulmate's toned body. Definitely a bold outfit choice, but you couldn't deny that it suited him well.

After a few more moments assuring yourself of the safety of the road, you tried to look at the other passengers of the car. You had seen them when you looked at yourself in the mirror, but you couldn't bear to think about them at that moment.

In the passenger seat was a pink-haired woman, her face stoic as she stared ahead. Behind you was a grumpy-looking man with black hair leaning into the window. In the centre of the backseat was a blond man with a cute face, tapping away at a modified phone of some kind. Furthest from you, behind the passenger seat, was a gruff-looking man with slicked-back blond hair.

None of them seemed to have noticed a change in their driver's behaviour, so you had a few more moments to collect yourself before you spoke up. Although you were still grappling with the fact that your soulmate had entirely forgotten about your switch, you didn't want to waste your time.

"I don't know... quite what's happening here, but I'm this person's soulmate."

You could taste something sweet with just the slightest hint of bitterness on your own breath.

The car had been silent before you spoke, but the silence grew heavier. Now every eye was on you, and you almost wished you hadn't said anything, that you had let the switch play out in complete silence before returning to your own body.

"What?" The taller blond man finally replied.

"I'm... their soulmate? Did they not tell anyone?"

"Boss had a soulmate?" He turned to the other blond man, ignoring you completely.

"Not as far as I know!"

"Look at me."

That last bit was said by the pink-haired woman next to you. With no small amount of fear in your heart, you ripped your eyes away from the road to look her in the eyes. Her cold, calculating eyes pierced you through and through. After what felt like aeons that she spent observing you, she let out the slightest gasp.

"You're not lying."

As soon as you had the reassurance that they believed you, you looked back at the road, relieved to see no danger.

"Are you serious? Are you messing with us, boss?" The black-haired man spoke, his tone rising to aggression.

"Calm down, all of you! This is the boss's soulmate, obviously!"

"But why wouldn't he tell us at all? This is crazy!"

"I don't know! Maybe he wanted to test us?"

"Sorry to interrupt, but what's going on here?"

The pink-haired woman turned back to from where she had been scolding the other passengers, sighing before she spoke.

"Look, sorry about all this ruckus. It's just that we're pretty close to our boss, and he never even told us he had a soulmate!"

"Seriously? Weird..." You trailed off, unsure of how to fill in the dead air.

"My name's Machi; what's yours?"

"I'm YN. Who is this?" You asked, gesturing slightly at your own body.

"Oh right, our boss's name is Chrollo. In the backseat, there is Nobunaga, Shalnark, and Phinks." She pointed each one out to you.

Behind you, Shalnark and Nobunaga were whispering to each other as they looked intently at Shalnark's phone.

"And where are you from, YN?" Shalnark spoke up again, a bright smile on his face as he watched you through the rearview.

"I'm from CN; where are we right now?"

The conversation continued like that for some time, with simple back-and-forth questions. Jo had advised you not to share too much sensitive information, and you couldn't help but get the inkling of a feeling that they were right.

The way that Shalnark would ask you questions before he immediately turned back to his phone alighted some anxiety in your gut, so you tried to turn the conversation back on them.

"So, you say that my soulmate here is your boss? What do you do?"

You didn't miss the beat of silence, but you tried to give them the benefit of the doubt that they had been put on the spot.

"We're traders, mostly," Shalnark started, "We travel around, buying and selling antiques and treasures and stuff!"

"Wow, that sounds like fun!"

"It can get tiring sometimes, but it's really fulfilling!"

There was a breath of relief from the car before Nobunaga spoke up, excitedly telling you a story of a time they had visited your home country for their business. Finally, it felt as if the atmosphere was relaxing, with everyone joining in to add details to the story.

You smiled softly, relieved that you no longer felt like an insect under a magnifying glass. It was pitch-black outside the car, and there were very few other cars on the road, so you felt safe enough to relax your grip on the steering wheel just a touch as well.

As you leaned back in the driver's seat, listening to Phinks avidly tell you about the food they had enjoyed in the capital of your home country, you felt the night's excitement finally hit you.

And how unlucky that you had just relaxed when you suddenly found yourself back in your own living room.

--//--

Chrollo snapped awake in his place, feeling that he had gone from his spot sitting to lying down in the blink of an eye. Immediately, he threw himself into a standing position, assuming the car had been surprise attacked.

At the same moment, he reached for his knife while attempting to summon Bandit's Secret. His anxiety only heightened when he realised that he had neither.

Finally trying to observe the situation and pinpoint his potential attacker, he slowly began to piece together what was going on.

He was in a neat bedroom and had been lying in bed. On the bedside clock, he read 21:29 in red blinking letters.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

His soulmate.

Ten years ago, he had made sure that his soulmate date was entirely obscured by his spider tattoo, going as far as to go to a different tattoo artist than the rest and killing them afterwards. He had to protect his soulmate, lest they be used against him. But in his attempt to defend them, he had completely forgotten to prepare anything.

Shit.

He looked around the room, trying to get his bearings now that he wasn't in danger. A mirror poised on one wall allowed him to observe his soulmate. He ran a hand over his cheek as he watched the skin move in abject fascination. All these sensations were raised in intensity; even in this body without Nen, he felt everything to a pinpoint. He suddenly became aware that he could taste a tiny bit of mint; they had even taken the time to brush their teeth to ensure his comfort.

There was an envelope taped to the inside of the door, obviously meant for him. Picking it off the door with an uncharacteristic level of gentleness, he sat back down on the bed to read.

The letter nearly sprung tears to his eye; how blessed was he to have someone so passionate! He could feel the depth of emotion poured into the letter, the way you spilt your heart out on the page.

He sat on the bed, eyes scanning over every line, reading and rereading the poetry before him.

"Do you think they're okay? I heard some movement inside, but it's been silent since. Do you think they fell and hurt their head?"

"Ugh, I'll knock and go check."

It hadn't occurred to him that there would be other people here - just another example of the care and thought you had put in.

He opened the door to a freckled face, who wore an expression of surprise as their hand was still in the air, having been about to knock. Immediately, he turned on the charm, knowing he could at least cover up for his lack of planning on this end.

"Oh, sorry about that; I didn't realise I was expected!" He added his best chuckle, followed by, "My soulmate is quite the poet; I've been entranced!"

He waved the letter to show it off before stepping past the newcomer. But he stopped briefly while he was right next to them. He could feel it.

The cold, calculating look in their eye, the robust build, the scars along their hands. They were from Meteor City.

With a polite nod, he continued into the living room, though he could feel that person's eyes on him the whole way. He was greeted with three cakes and a wide selection of snacks and drinks. He cursed that you wouldn't be getting such a cosy reception on your end.

The conversation flowed easily as soon as he introduced himself; everyone was excited to tell him things or ask him questions. He easily lied his way through questions about his profession; it was like second nature to the charismatic thief. Everyone in attendance was charmed by him except that damn person from Meteor City. Just as he began considering if he might have to kill them, they leaned forwards, interrupting another one of your friends.

"You smoke?"

Chrollo had smoked once or twice in his youth but had never had a taste for it. He shook his head no, hoping they would drop it there.

"Too bad, 'cause I do, and I want a private chat with you. Step outside."

With their authoritative voice, he knew he was not avoiding the following conversation.

The biting chill on his cheeks felt much sharper than usual, his own body having learned to withstand much harsher conditions. However, he was scarcely given a moment to enjoy the sensation before Jo interrupted.

"You're from Meteor City."

"I'm aware."

"Hmph. Are you a thief?"

"Of course, aren't you?"

"My work isn't the prettiest, but I'm not that low. I owe that to YN."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"They lifted me up and out of that place of their own goodwill. When I escaped that place, we met by chance, and they offered their hand to give me a new life. They're the reason I stay on the straight and narrow. I'll do anything to protect them; you should know that."

"I will, too; surely you should know that. I'm their soulmate."

"And you're also a thief. Probably a prolific one, from how easily you lied about your career. I want to protect them for their sake; you just want to protect them for your own sake. You won't be taking them anywhere; I'll steal them away where you'll never find them again if you try."

"That's quite the threat; are you sure you can follow through?"

"I'll have to, for them."

Chrollo chuckled at this silly notion. As if they could really do anything to take his soulmate away now that he knew they were here.

He watched Jo's silhouette retreat back into the warm light of your home, a smirk spread across his face at their sheer bravery, before everything changed.

--//--

Snapping back to your own body, now standing, was jarring, to say the least. Jo looked over their shoulder at your gasp as you nearly lost your balance, rushing over to catch you before you hurt yourself.

"Oh, hey there!" You laughed, looking up at them.

"Hey." They sounded standoffish, but their smile was undeniable.

"What are we doing outside?"

"Oh, I just wanted a smoke, and he followed me to chat."

You couldn't smell any smoke in the air, and you felt like something was being hidden from you, but you were just so tired and happy to be back that you chose to push that down for now.

"I'm gonna go to bed. Can you tell the others to go home? I need to just lie down ASAP."

"You got it. I'm gonna have to head out again soon as well, so I'll see you again whenever I get back."

--//--

"So." Machi started, addressing the newly-returned Chrollo, "What was that all about?"

Everyone was hushed, awaiting the boss's answer.

"You already know that was my soulmate. I had... forgotten to tell anyone."

More silence flooded the car as the other members of the spider internally debated whether or not they wanted to risk their necks by making a joke.

"Well, you'll be glad to know we're on the right path to get to them!" Shalnark cut in with his usual cheer, hoping to distract from the current situation.

"Really?"

"It'll be a few days even if we pick up the pace, but Feitan is currently in that country and can start keeping an eye on them ASAP. I'm concerned about their safety, especially considering their medical records."

"There's no need for too much worry," Chrollo said calmly

"What do you mean?!" Nobunaga was incredulous; how could the boss take his soulmate's safety so easily?

"Someone is protecting them already, someone we'll have to take care of, but a valuable protector, for now, all the same."

--//--

Thanks for reading!

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Hellooo I am in desperate need of Delta angst and I remember you saying that we could ramble about hc's we had so here I go :D

He has severe PTSD/survivor's guilt, and due to this he has intense nightmares, resulting in him never wanting to sleep. Obviously this isn't healthy for them, but they can't help it entirely.

And due to not sleeping very much out of fear, after 3 days he begins to hallucinate (the human body can go 3 full days without any kind of sleep before it begins to have a psychological and mental/emotional impact on them).

Their hallucinations probably revolve around their PTSD/survivor's guilt, but also the fear of not being able to protect his friends currently, which can lead to strong delusions and maybe even panic/anxiety attacks, overthinking, and body dysmorphia.

(I also hc that because Sans and Beta are sharing a combined body, sometimes they forget what they look like now, which can very easily cause imposter syndrome/another identity crisis, dissociation, and intense anxiety, though they will never admit it.)

It will also make him much more mentally and emotionally unstable, which might lead to him snapping at people over small things.

(I also hc that he has ADHD, and usually with ADHD comes sensory issues - from my own experience, at least - so he would be having much more sensory issues than normal, which might make him more irritable and aggressive depending on what the sensory issue revolves around)

As you have said, he's not the type to ask for help when in pain, but I feel like this would very quickly grab Color and Epic's attention and they'd help whether he likes it or not. Which I think would eventually end in fluff bc they'd be able to finally comfort and calm Delta down (and he might finally feel safe enough to sleep).

(And if we're rolling with the hc that he has a therapy dog, Zorox would probably alert Delta multiple times that he needs sleep. If Delta is having a panic/anxiety attack or flashbacks, Zorox would work on grounding them to bring them back to reality, and try to make them take a break. But when Delta refuses, Zorox immediately snitches to Color and Epic and have them help Delta.)

Thoughts?

My thoughts are that these are all completely real and canon because I say so.

I honestly love the idea of Delta having ADHD, I feel it’s fitting in the way ADHD Killer calls to me and Autistic Color does. They should all be neurodivergent buddies, it’s pretty common for neurodivergent divergent folks to flock together, even before they know that they or eachother are. I feel like Cross is Autistic too and Epic is maybe AuDHD (same as Killer maybe??)

And I can imagine that both Delta and Beta have severe body issues, same as Killer does, and probably avoids looking in mirrors on particularly bad days because it just severely confuses and distresses them. Especially on days when they’re particularly blurry or “co con,” having doing a double take when catching sight of what they assume is their reflection in the mirror. Like, is that supposed to be me—us? It’s so strange seeing parts of yourself looking back from another’s face, even weirder when a hand moves without your permission to touch at the face in equal bewilderment.

I also like to think that Delta’s the type to enjoy deep pressure, so Epic and Color often cuddle and squeeze him tightly, or Zorox will lay on his lap/chest to apply pressure. And it’s pretty easy for Delta to fall asleep like that, similar to way Color gets drowsy when he’s warm and Killer when feeling soft and fuzzy sensations like his fluffy hood or a fluffy blanket.

Epic and Color definitely look into buying him the best deep pressure blanket as soon as possible.

[remyfire]

korean war anaesthesia practices? please sir some korean war anaesthesia practices? 🤲🥺

God I am so excited. I love you.

What I need you to know is I spent multiple hours over multiple days researching this just for Leo Bardonaro backstory that I am probably never going to get to write in detail anyway. I headcanon Leo as an anesthesiologist. Also I think it's a shame that they stopped having at least one or two dedicated anesthesiologists in the show after Ugly John because it's such a complex set of measurements to understand and as important a trained specialty as any other. It's difficult to pick it up off the cuff if you haven't been properly educated. I appreciate little moments such as in Bug Out when Hawk snaps at BJ when Beej is the one setting up the anesthesia. Very true to life and history when anesthesiologists were thin on the ground in Korea and doctors or nurses did have to double up, and also affording MASH their smaller cast to focus on.

Side note, I discovered first in my research that anesthesiologist and anesthetist are two different terms. An anesthesiologist is a medical doctor while an anesthetist is a nurse who has received the training to administer anesthesia, either assisting the anesthesiologist or working independently. The more you know!

Now let's get to excited autistic rambling :D :D :D

This is the Ohio 685A military model anesthesia machine, affectionately referred to as The Pig. This is the machine that was most commonly in use during the Korean War, all the way through to the beginning of the Vietnam War. It was important because it was lightweight, easy to disassemble, and it broke down into an easy-to-carry box in the event of the MASH unit needing to bug out.

Look how cute it is!!! My best friend The Pig I love them so much. An anesthesiologist was not only keeping a close eye on vitals and ready to spring into action at a moment's notice, but they were also constantly watching the levels of administered nitrous oxide (what we know colloquially as laughing gas) and oxygen (which has to be administered as a level of at least 20%) to make sure they were giving enough to keep the patient under but not enough to cause them long-term damage of any kind. This is important given that nitrous oxide causes intracranial pressure, for example.

An interesting thing to note is that while they had begun to pioneer intubation as a way to administer an anesthetic in WWII and saw impressive results, in the Korean War, the majority of patients were still anesthetized by mask on account of the doctors having to work so quickly and efficiently that they most often defaulted to the techniques they were familiar with if they did not have to change. This might also be why a large number of doctors would choose to administer a spinal anesthetic instead of using a mask.

So the rabbit hole I really went down was how we typically see anesthesia used in media versus the reality of it. We're used to seeing them just put a mask on the patient's face and they're out immediately. Not quite accurate! Nitrous oxide alone will not put a patient to sleep. It's a wonderful pain reducer and produces a sense of euphoria and it's incredibly fast-acting, only taking a few minutes to reach full effect. But anesthesiologists would first administer something to induct unconsciousness, most popularly a dose of thiopental into the patient's IV line.

Thiopental is a barbiturate often used as an induction agent. Within 30 to 45 seconds, the drug reaches the brain and makes the patient unconscious (an interesting thing is that thiopental also reduces intracranial pressure, which was also helpful with the comment above about nitrous oxide causing that). But thiopental itself will wear off within around 5 to 10 minutes as the drug leaves the brain and circulates through the entire body, thus meaning the patient would wake back up.

This is where nitrous oxide comes in!! The thiopental injection induces unconsciousness and the nitrous oxide maintains it. Because nitrous oxide as a gas dissipates so quickly in our system, removing the mask will have a patient coming back to consciousness within minutes.

With how rapidly things had to move in surgery in a Korean War MASH unit, the anesthesiologists had to be on their fucking game. If they administered just a little too much of an induction agent or nitrous oxide, severe side effects could occur. Patients would suffer convulsions, damage to the brain. A wrong dose was a ticket to total shock, heart attacks, death. It's so stressful to read about and also so cool. The surgeons always get the big bucks but other doctors deserve their flowers too.

This was a fun hour of rambling!! Thank you for asking :D

[isalisewrites]

A ramble on writing where April broke my heart

Hooo boi.

March was a dream in comparison to April.

Emergency gallbladder surgery? Someone faking their death in my server? Good times. I wanna go back.

I have been through much in three short months. April has shown that it's taken a toll. I have missed many more days of writing. I'm still missing them in May. But I'm slowly gripping onto the last vestiges of my raw determination, all while in the face of so much.

I had a falling out with my closest family member that shook me to the core of my heart. I barely slept for most of the month again. Gallbladder surgery has proven to have some complications on my nervous system, making normal daily life difficult where it's hard to sit or lie down without experiencing full body numbness and tingling in various areas, including my hands and fingers. (No, not blood clots. 100% without a doubt it's my nerves.)

If you've followed me here (post one and two) and have read my author's on Terrible, But Great Chapter 30, then you know what went down with my family member. It took so much of my time and energy. I wrote well over 8,000 words trying to reason with this family member, only for all of it to be scorned and mocked. A part of me feels like that energy was wasted. I could have 8,000 more words in TBG, but I don't. This is all I have.

A part of me looks at it and says, "Give it back. Give me back my writing." What happened to January? Or even February? What happened to the girl who could wake up at 4am in the morning, an hour before she had to leave for her hysteroscopy, to power write 700 words?

Some days, I go up the stairs and I'm winded like I ran a marathon.

Some days, if I walk on the treadmill for more than 6 to 10 minutes, I feel like I'm dying.

It's been an uphill battle. The struggle is real, but so am I.

In the last week of December of 2023, when I realized how long it would take me to finish Terrible, But Great, I was overcome with what I call 'The Stirring.' I don't know what else to call it, but it always has an air of mystery and premonition for what it is to come. I thought at that time, "If I had limited time to live, what do I want to do?"

"I want to write."

So, I did.

In 2023, I published a total of 43,000 words in TBG. In 2024, from January to April, I've written 110,604 words and have published 35,000 words thus far. The year isn't even halfway over and I've done better this year than I have last year.

In spite of it all, I'm doing pretty damn good.

There's still hope. I'm not giving up. It might feel like morale is low, but it's not. I'm going to keep going as much as I can through all the hardships because writing is truly the one thing that breathes life into me.

By the end of April, I finished my business class with an essay about how the class shifted my beliefs. This class in combination with all of my health issues and social conflicts sparked an overwhelming revelation and a new rising determination within my soul.

You see, you all have witnessed my love and passion for writing Terrible, But Great, a Harry Potter fanfiction, but I also have original stories that I've wanted to write. Yet, I haven't been able to finish them because I'm always thinking about the market in the real world, instead of what I want and what the story wants. Fanfiction, I can do whatever the hell I want and yall are just gonna have to strap in and hold onto dear life cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Original novels, however, are done differently and I've often struggled due to so many factors.

I have ADHD. I am autistic. I have health issues which are rapidly piling up on top of each other. My career choice might not even be feasible for me in the long run, so why I am allowing myself to be pressured into doing more than I can handle with a class load?

I want to write. I want to write. I want to create.

Oh, how I want to create.

So, I will.

Two years ago, I gave up on my dream of writing original novels and earning a living through them. I've since repented of that notion. As I continue write Terrible, But Great, I'm also going to be working on my original novels on the side. Someday, perhaps, I'll be able to earn a living as a published author.

That's my realistic ideal.

I wrote 457 words today, May 9th. That's good enough. The goal this month is to write more than April. I can do that. On the days where prose is hard, I simply write my scene idea in a zero draft style. I don't worry about the prose; I'll fix it later. Every word counts. Every word can be changed. Every word can be made better.

Every word is good enough.

Until next month.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Due to flare ups, I’ve been thinking more about my relationship with my disabilities and my relationship with God — any good resources/book you can recommend?

Hey there, sending love and solidarity as you go through flare ups and as you explore all this <3

You came to the right place — disability theology is one of my great passions! Here are my recs for you. If anyone has more resources to add on or insights for anon, please share!

For starters...

First, you might enjoy wandering through my #disability theology tag over on my other blog, which includes excerpts from various disability theologians.

Or reading through / praying with the disability text prayers I shared here last July for Disability Pride Month, which were written by a variety of disabled folks.

Since it's Lent, Unbound's Disabling Lent: An Anti-Ableist Lenten Devotional is timely!

___

Memoirs Exploring Christian Faith & Chronic Pain / Illness

My Body and Other Crumbling Empires, Lyndsey Medford (2023)

This memoir connects faith, chronic illness (especially autoimmune disorders), and the sickness at the heart of Western Empire / the Protestant work ethic.

How can we learn to work with instead of against our bodies? How can we rebuild our world to treat all bodies with the love and gentleness they deserve? .

This Here Flesh, Cole Arthur Riley (2022)

An incredibly beautiful book, poetic and searing...explores the goodness of embodied life and intersections between disability (particularly chronic illness), Blackness, queerness, womanhood, and more.

Each chapter focuses on a different emotion (anger, joy, lament, love...) to teach us how to honor and listen to what we feel in our bodies.

CW for accounts of sexual assault and other forms of and abuse and trauma, as well as accounts of antiblack racism. .

Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I've Loved, Kate Bowler (2018)

If you've been steeped in any kind of prosperity gospel, "if you pray hard enough you'll be healed" type Christianity, I highly recommend this book.

Bowler writes with gentle honesty about how her chronic pain and then cancer compelled her to move away from that kind of harmful Christianity into a faith with room for doubt, grief, and a God that holds her in her suffering.

___

Disability Theology — Books, Podcasts, Videos

Disability: The Inclusive Church Resource edited by Bob Callighan (2014)

If you're interested in the perspectives of various disabled Christians, I love the range of voices they brought into this text! A great intro to how theology and church life impact disabled persons and how our churches must re-form themselves with disabled persons at the center. .

My Disabled AND Blessed YouTube series

I've got multiple YouTube videos that draw from various disability theologians!

I especially recommend my introduction to reading the Bible with a disability lens — stressing how different biblical authors hold different views around disability; so what's God's overall message? — and my video on Luke 14's parable of the banquet!

If you have questions about or struggle with the Gospels' healing narratives, I also recommend my livestream on that topic. .

My friend Laura's Autistic Liberation Theology Podcast (you can listen wherever you get podcasts)

Laura explores scripture through the lens of an autistic trans person who uses a wheelchair and has multiple chronic & mental illnesses.

I especially recommend their episode on "the Gethsemane of things," which takes an honest look at pain and where God is in our suffering. (Most of Laura's eps don't have transcripts, but I shared an abridged version of this ep on my podcast and it has a transcript)

"I am not your ornamental prophet" is also a great episode for thinking about what pressures are put on disabled persons and how to construct boundaries for yourself .

The Mad and Crip Theology Podcast

This podcast interviews the authors who are published in the Mad and Crip Theology journal, which is really cool! You can watch episodes with captions on YouTube, or listen wherever you get podcasts.

A good starter episode: this one "on Queer and Crip Sexuality and the Disabled Christ" .

Some eps of Blessed Are the Binary Breakers

While my own podcast largely centers trans perspectives, disability comes up frequently as well! Each ep has a transcript. These are the disability-focused ones:

"No End to Transphobia without Uprooting Ableism — exploring embedded forms of oppression"

"Our Pride Is Not a Sin — a Queer and Disabled Christian Lens"

"Goodness Embodied — an intersex, nonbinary first human and a disabled risen Christ"

"Marginalized Bodies as Spectacle and the good news in Jesus's disabling wounds"

"Eli and the prophet Elijah"

“Secular” books that helped shape my own theology

What Can a Body Do? How We Meet the Built World, Sara Hendren (2020)

Fantastic book digging into recent disability history, present, and future with focus on the “misfit” theory of disability where body and world interact with each other disharmoniously, and the creativity disabled people employ to make them more harmonious  .

Exile and Pride, Eli Clare (1999)

One of my favorite books of all time. Connects disability, queerness, rural life, trauma, and more. Clare is one of the originators of the concept of the “bodymind” (though he talks about that more in one of his later books)

___

Wanting even more resources? Here's my google doc with aaaaall the disability theology stuff — plus some helpful disability 101 stuff to share with loved ones!

Praying for comfort, wisdom, and community support for you as you journey! Please feel free to drop by again with any questions that come up or to share any insights you've gained any time <3

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: January 2024

as long as I'm talking about The Gargoyle's Captive, let's discuss what else I've been reading this month.

Maeve Fly (CJ Leede, 2023) - I really liked this slender debut novel, which follows the titular Maeve Fly as she prowls LA like a homicidal alien, playing an unnamed ice princess in a certain theme park by day and indulging her murderous tendencies by night. Maeve is in a downward spiral; she's 27 years old and is preparing to lose her grandmother to illness and her only friend to a blossoming acting career. she sees no future for herself beyond losing the only two people she cares about and has no further goals, contenting herself with alcohol and porn while she rereads the same books, rewatches the same videos, and listens over and over to her playlist of Halloween music. Maeve is, it must be said, an abysmal loser, and I like her terrible melodrama a lot. I do think some of the hype is perhaps overstating the feminist credentials of this book; it sort of reminds me of when a college friend told me their favorite feminist movie was Suicide Squad (2016) because Harley Quinn was in it. Maeve talks a lot of big game about how women are always expected to have some tragedy to be deranged serial killers, while men are allowed to just do it, but it hit me as a little tryhard. there are a lot of books trying to be "the female American Psycho" right now - Eliza Clark's 2020 novel Boy Parts is frequently described as such - but it feels a bit too on the nose when Maeve's ultimate climactic rampage is directly inspired by a glimpse of the American Psycho novel. it's not that deep, but it is a gross, captivating read told from a fascinatingly cracked POV. check out Maeve Fly.

Laziness Does Not Exist (Devon Price, 2021) - yeah Devon Price is still following me (though my days are numbered, I'm sure) so it's a massive relief to say that I did like this book. Price has sort of become my self-help ride or die, mainly because a.) he's so much more self-aware than the average self-help writer that it feels kind of insulting to call him one and b.) he's actually dealing with topics that are relevant or interesting and providing actionable advice. while LDNE didn't engross me quite as hard as Unmasking Autism (while I am, famously, not autistic, I do believe in their beliefs, by which I mean I'm the token allistic among my close friends and I vastly prefer autistic company) it hit me hard in several unexpected pressure points. I'll happily admit that I can't relate to Price's interviewees who willingly work 50+ hours a week for jobs that hate them and are destroying their minds and bodies, but I still struggle to escape the perpetual sensation that a moment at rest is a moment wasted. It probably didn't help that I was reading this book while on vacation at my mother's, where I visited the beach almost daily and was so work-averse that we didn't even bother going grocery shopping because I didn't want to cook. and yet, despite getting dummy chill in some aspects of my life, I am still constantly possessed by a malevolent ghost insisting that I'm wasting my time and have never actually done Enough. maybe Price's next book, Unlearning Shame, will finally fix me; it's out in four days and god knows I'll be getting my hands on it as soon as humanly possible.

Patternmaster (Octavia E. Butler, 1976) - y'all know I love a messy political fantasy, and this is just... god, the absolute messiest. I thought Mind of My Mind was bad, but it turns out Mary's descendants are going to full-on reinvent feudalism with psychic powers, treating non-psychics as chattel and causing technological advancement to regress since they refuse to handle their problems with anything but psychic powers. and it's even got two brothers duking it out for the throne that will give them power over every bitchy psychic on earth! you love to see it. if I can be 100% honest I do think it's straight up bananagrams that this was the first book released in the series even though it's chronologically last; I genuinely cannot imagine caring enough to figure out what the fuck these people were talking about if I didn't have the previous four books for context. and even "context" may be generous; Octavia still has absolutely 0 interest in explaining what's up with the fucking outer space werewolves who are the psychics' #1 enemy. if I could have brunch with any person living or dead I would summon Butler up in a heartbeat to explain what the fuck her thought process was in plotting out this series over some mimosas, and I would take extensive notes on every word she said. an absolute genius and the uncontested queen of freak shit forever.

Thirsty Mermaids (Kat Leyh, 2021) - I purchased this graphic novel in November 2023 at a conference where I bumped into Queer Comics Peddler, my very favorite queer midwestern pop-up. running into them is always a delight, and this time I came with a question: could they give me a recommendation? the very nice people working offered up Thirsty Mermaids, which was the PERFECT companion for a long airplane ride. it's cute without being overly sappy, and avoids the trap of sacrificing a plot for the sake of checking off as many representation boxes as possible. the story is simple: three mermaids use a spell to turn into humans and go ashore in search of booze, only to realize in the morning that they don't know how to turn back. taken in by a generous bartender, they're faced with the reality of having to make money for the first time in their lives. hijinks ensue, but also a very sweet and warmhearted story about the friends looking out for one another as they try to figure out exactly where they belong and what home even means. also the artwork is GORGEOUS, with the mermaids' extremely memorable character designs being a real standout. if you're a graphic novel enthusiast, definitely check this out 🧜‍♀️

Sugar, Baby (Celine Saintclare, 2023) - Sugar, Baby came to me in a very similar way as Thirsty Mermaids: while visiting a witchy little bookstore that I was immediately charmed by, I asked the cashier what they would recommend. they offered up Maeve Fly (fab) and this novel, a stack of which was on the counter advertising an upcoming event with the author. neither have disappointed, so shout out to that one employee with the great taste! Sugar, Baby sees a young cleaner named Agnes, one of the only biracial women in her unnamed English town, befriending the daughter of a wealthy client and getting whisked away to her new friend's London lifestyle: crashing in an apartment with fellow models, staying out all night to party, and making money by going on dates with extravagantly wealthy older men. Agnes starts out having a swell time, but the cracks pretty swiftly start to form as she realizes how much more dependent she is on these men than her wealthy new friends and she begins to wonder exactly how much she's willing to diminish herself to get the bag. it's not a perfect first novel but it is a compelling one, a perfect airplane page-turner that crashes from glitzy to ghoulish and back with breakneck speed.

The Gargoyle's Captive (Katee Robert, 2023) - my full review is over on patreon for my darling supporters who want me dead (and picked this book in the first place, damn them to hell), but suffice to say this is a fun book to read if you like the sensation of your brain melting out of your nose, if you're really turned on by baby's first bdsm, you are not particularly concerned with trifling matters like "plot coherence" or "character motivation" or "writing that is complex and artful," and/or you've ever wanted to have sex with a dude whose penis is so big that you feel genuinely fear. also, hey, I forgot to include this in my patreon write-up so fuck it: Robert REFUSES to tell us what kind of food the protagonists are eating, ever. whenever they have a meal it's just "the food was placed on the table" "I took a bite" etc. drop me a HINT, man, come on! is it a protein? grain? starches? the only thing I know for sure that they're consuming is wine and a single marshmallow, and god does it show. it's just a very weird and distracting omission and it's absolutely not the worst thing about this book but it is a hill I'm willing to die complaining on.

[tubbypeddle]

May I request a platonic/queerplatonic matchup for JJBA and One Piece? (No Dio, Kira Part 4, or Doflamingo please)

I am 26 years old, autistic, and schizoaffective, I am on meds that allow me to function from day to day and am living my best life. 

I’m a feminine presenting nonbinary person and I go by they/them pronouns. I’m 5’7 ft, have tan skin, dark brown eyes, and wavy, brown hair. I have a curvy body type with stretch marks on my hips and stomach I lovingly call my “tiger stripes”. My default outfits consist of hoodies/sweaters, basketball shorts, joggers, and graphic tees or something of equal comfort. 

I am aromantic allosexual with a preference for individuals that are masculine. 

Personalitywise, I’m an introverted leaning ambivert, I do my best to push myself to be a better person than I was yesterday. I am very emotionally open and vulnerable to those I trust, but said trust is hard earned and some trust is reserved only for specific individuals (i.e what I trust my Mum with is different than what I would trust my siblings/best friend with). I love learning new things and always remain curious with the world around me. I am creative and imaginative; I have lots of ideas swirling in my head though I do my best to work and finish one at a time. I have a hard time with small talk but could talk people's ears off about and exchange special interests.I also love teaching and being taught and am patient. It takes quite a bit to get me mad, but when my threshold is reached it’s “take no prisoners”. 

I despise willfully ignorant/vulgar/bigoted people. Yelling, loud cars, and motorcycles feel like an attack on my nervous system and a way to bypass my patience and tick me off is teasing someone about their appearance or things they can’t biologically control (past bullying trauma), I don’t care if it was “just a joke” Brad, get a better sense of humor or I’ll run you over with my electric bike. 

I’m scared of my friends leaving me behind, treating me like a second class friend, or otherwise losing interest in me in favour of a romantic partner (no hate on the partner, my usual thought process is two friends for the price of one but what pans out is usually not the case 🙁) and of course heights. 

My hobbies include writing, reading, drawing, swimming, travel, baking, karaoke, and crafting.

I love gifting my loved ones with things that pertain to their interests and coming up with fun things that I could do with them (Taking them to a carnival, comic con, waterparks, baking together, etc.). I am also very affectionate and I love, love, love cuddles, the deeper the pressure the better. Kisses are Very Noice™ too. 

Sunshowers and flurries are my favourite types of weather, I love anime/animated shows/movies, raspberries and rain are my favourite scents, and I have collections ranging from plushies to enamel pins to ita bags to action figures.  I would prefer someone who can be my rock when I’m not doing my best and is patient with and does their best to understand me. In return, I will be their companion, their friend, their confidante. I will accept their authentic self as they do me and be the one they can always come back to, who will always put in the effort, me, their dear platonic partner. 💛

Hello!! I'm so sorry for the ridiculously long wait! And thank you for sending this in! I'm going through a horrible a burnout right now, so I worked on this as much as I could without breaking down ;-;

Now, while I had the time, I thought long and hard about who would be your ideal friend! And maybe partner for life, queerplatonic or not, if you're up for it.

(author's note: I apologize if they're out of character ☹ I feel out of character myself. I hope you enjoy it anyway 🫂 and as always, credits to gif owners, gifs are not mine)

We'll start off with this one.

You find yourself in a world of Stand users. Of Hamon and vampires and devils whose evil is beyond our comprehension.

There's one man who's perfect for you. Your perfect friend.

Mohammed Avdol

Starting off with that which is most obvious, he does not seem to care much about your physical body. Not in a way that he finds you ugly, or that he doesn't like it.

He just never comments anything negative about it.

In the most positive way possible, Avdol does not care what you look like.

If you're looking for compliments from him, he'll dish them out happily. He does not mind showering you with affection and compliments if you want it. But what you look like isn't the first thing that comes to his mind when he thinks of you.

Since you're so personality driven, he's very happy to help you as much as he's able. He wants to see you at your best, and he wants to accompany you on your journey to that version of yourself.

You wouldn't have to worry about him making insensitive jokes. He's rather proud of how much effort he puts into being as inclusive and as inoffensive as possible.

He enjoys listening to your ideas, about anything that comes to your mind. Avdol is happy to listen, and even give some of his own ideas and suggestions for your infodumps, perhaps. If you're willing to hear.

He's also quite fond of your very curious personality. He enjoys learning, and will make time in his day to just sit and learn anything you want with you. To keep your company, and to make you happy.

Avdol, despite being very easy to become heated, is a very steady and stable man. He will be your comfort, your rock when you need someone to keep you grounded. Just as fire can be wild and uncontrollable, it can also be tame and warm and comforting. The hearth in your home.

You want patience? This man is made of that stuff. I mean, if he can deal with Polnareff and Joseph on that adventure? I'm sure he can handle someone as comparably docile as you.

Every single gift that you give him, he keeps it. Anywhere he can think of. If he's able to, he'll even display them in his home. There's something about your gifts being presented in his most intimate spaces that's so special. He wants reminders of you when he's most comfortable. As an assurance, perhaps. Or a comfort.

Cuddles are the best with him. He runs warm because of his Stand and his abilities, so they hit especially harder on colder nights. His favorite cuddling position is him just plopped on top of you, like he's a big weighted blanket.

He understands trust is a very tricky thing to balance with people. He's okay with not knowing every single little thing about you, if you so wished to keep some things from you. He just wants you to be comfortable around him, and if that means keeping some things from him, that's fine with him.

honorable mentions! Part 6 Jotaro

You're so charming to him. Captivating in a way he hasn't seen since his wife. He finds himself a little too attached to you, which may scare you off.

That's Jojo's done!

Onto One Piece.

You find yourself sailing across the sea. Or maybe you're on an island, made of candy, or made of ice and lava. Of rock and sand.

Wherever you are, there's one man who finds himself particularly interested in you.

Trafalgar Law

He's a loyal loyal man. Once he's decided you're his friend, you're his friend forever.

Post time skip is probably the best era of Law for you. Post time skip, he smiles and laughs less, but it's not impossible for him to be amused at all. His favorite activities with you tend to be

He finds you very charming, similar to how Jotaro does. You're short (compared to him, at least), and feisty, and know yourself well enough to be clear about your boundaries. He appreciates that. He likes when people are clear about themselves and their intentions. It's why he's such good friends with Luffy.

Hi friendship with you isn't the same as it is with Kidd and Luffy though.

With them, he's competitive. Dangerous. Downright vicious with them, in the most affectionate way possible. (You know, as is the One Piece way)

With you, he's a little bit softer. A little bit more physically affectionate. His only examples of showing love that he can bring himself to remember are his parents, and how Corazon treated him. He doesn't remember much of his parents' tendencies anymore, it's been so long. But he could never forget how Corazon treated him.

He often finds himself repeating Corazon's actions to you.

Maybe he's a little mean sometimes, a little firm with you. But it comes out of the softness of his heart.

He wants you to be safe. He doesn't want you to get hurt because of him and his pirate lifestyle.

Should you find yourself insisting to come with him aboard the Polar Tang, he'll be very against it. He appreciates and even likes that you want to prove your strength, and stay by his side. But he just cannot risk losing you. He's lost too many people already.

He might be a bit tense when it comes to any sort of soft physical affection, initially. It doesn't take long for him to soften, though. He melts with your touch, honestly.

Trust also doesn't come easily to him, so it comes as a surprise to him when you open up to him so easily. (To him, at least, it seems easy. because he has issues up the wizzow)

He's careful to keep your trust in him, cradling it as if it were the most precious gem in the world. He opens up to you slowly, and it's easy to scare him off. He's like a stray.

Just as he's patient with you, please be patient with him.

He's damaged, and lost a little too much in his life to know how to open up so easily.

He takes your gifts easily. He loves being gifted things, even if it flusters him beyond belief. He hasn't been gifted things very often throughout his life, so he'd forgotten it was a thing that people did.

honorable mentions!! Luffy

Luffy is easy to be friends with, because he will just straight up take you hostage if you refuse the first time. He sees you and immediately thinks, "I must be their friend."

I am so sorry this came out so so late. I don't feel very good, I think it's a depression episode, but I DID IT!!!!!

I hope you enjoyed this one 🫂

[bratzforchris]

Loving Luke

a list of headcanons about luke being autistic and loving him for him in honor of disability pride month<3

some of these headcanons came from my wonderful friend @cthheaven :) go follow them for cool stuff!

DISCLAIMER: i am in no way saying or assuming luke is autistic/neurodivergent. as an auDHDer, i find it comforting to relate things in my everyday life to my favorite people. if you'd prefer to not see this content, please keeping scrolling. and with that, onward!

❊ loves tight or "squeeze" hugs

❊ has multiple weighted blankets. some of them have built in heating pads or massage settings

❊ wears lots of jewelry to interviews so he has a built-in stim toy when he starts feeling overwhelmed

❊ likes to do vocal stims. he often uses the techniques he uses in vocal warm ups to stim.

❊has an oral fixation, so fun chewlry is a must

❊is quite sentimental. he has a large box of all the birthday cards and little trinkets people have given him over the years

❊sometimes needs reminders to eat/drink water/use the bathroom if he's entranced by his special interests

❊has petunia as his service animal. when he gets overstimulated, she'll lay her head in his lap for some deep pressure therapy or rub against his legs for some comfort

❊sometimes he struggles to understand your tone. he'll look at his feet and blush and ask you what mean

❊asks you to learn ASL with him because he often goes nonverbal after shows/interviews because of the pressure and overstimulation

❊rocking stims. luke rocks forwards and backwards when he's stressed, when he's watching his favorite show, and even when he's riding in the car

❊loves the beach but despises the sand. once he reaches the ocean and is able to splash around, he's very happy, but walking through the sand to get there is hell

❊uses noise canceling ear buds/plugs because he's still slightly insecure about using headphones since he's in the public eye so much

❊some of his special interests include dogs, all types of music, surfing, and coffee (yes, a drink can be a special interest :))

❊needs to hold something to make his body feel balanced when he sleeps, which means all the comfort stuffies. when you first come over, he tries to hide them from you because he's embarrassed, but you gently reassure him that it's okay

❊has fidget toys everywhere. even in the bathroom

❊very shy around new people. he was always the "weird kid" at school, so it takes some getting used to to make sure people are nice

❊adores when you send him pictures/articles/tiktoks related to his special interests

❊struggles with regulating his emotions, so there's lots of teary and meltdown moments

❊gets tummy aches a lot. between often being anxious and the fact that lots of autistic people are comorbid with gastrointestinal issues, luke spends a lot of time curled up on the couch with you rubbing his belly and a heating pad

❊loves the visual stims that come from doing his makeup. using the fun colors and the way the glitter catches the light fills his heart with autistic joy

❊uses laundry sheets with a soft scent so his clothes don't bother him

❊is an adventurous eater, but still has his safe foods. these include dairy free mac n cheese, graham crackers, and strawberries

that's all for now! if you wanna see a part 2, let me know! happy disability pride month loves 🩵

[bluebutlikenotalways]

Will You Be Redesigning The Other Three Los Campeons?

I’ll answer these both at the same time!

1. I do want to, but like I don’t have as clear an idea for Fly, Pro and Rayo. (I do have a rule 63 design for Pro though because I think it’d be funny) Rayo’s might be out in the next…five months??? Who knows.

2. Just Hcs because you already know my fave (ik you send that ask to my main. A lot of folks don’t know it’s the same person lol)

LETS START WITH JR

Man does not sleep, because sleep is for the weak and he is always on that grind 💪 Because of this his ability to make choices is hindered (which is the only possible reason he chose not to let Sorpresa join the team I say jokingly) and it also gives him a shorter fuse, as if it wasn’t short enough.

He’s already got some anger issues from his father, but most of his fight outside of the ring are just gas so he’ll rarely start a physical fight.

Still trying his best to outgrow his father’s shadow, but his team is worried it’ll all go to his head instead. He is one to brag whenever things really go his way so the next step in his hero’s journey has better be humility

In his first match with Rayo he got his elbow broken and that was how Rayo got thrown out of his first club and why I draw Jr with a brace.

Nepo baby, like big time. He’s a rich kid and they all know it, but he tries not to flaunt his wealth. His father’s influence however…

Grew up around the ring and knew “Tío Blanco y Verde” before his father left that team. Hadn’t seen them in a long time, which is why he didn’t recognize either of their voices.

Used to love his fathers old movies until he realized just how big a legend he had to live up to, now it just makes him feel sick when he sees them knowing his dad was only a few years older than he was then when they were made and he had only just secured a main event. Not so fun feeling like you’ve fallen behind.

Refuses to touch alcohol or drugs of any kind so he doesn’t fuck up his body. His father started losing his shape when he started drinking more and smoking cigars, so he’s seen the road gone down before.

He’s gonna start wearing contacts eventually so he can play into his Dragon roll more.

Up next the grappling goth himself, Rayo X!

He is the second shortest.

This isn’t even a hc, I just wanted to show you their hight comparisons

He is not as physically strong as the others because he put more of his stats into agility and precision. Pressure points and the ability to use his opponents weight against them is key, but he’s still stronger than your average cat. Guy can throw a fully grown man over his head, what do you expect?

Autistic. HEAR ME OUT! Doesn’t like being touched by anyone, the only one who wrestles in gloves, hangs out in a quiet coffin and works better in the dark. “But that’s no-“ Just trust me bro.

He’s a little limp wristed, but you know. Happens to the best of us.

His character is a sullen goth who’s like this serious guy and kinda scary, but out of character he’s a little shit emo kid who’s starting to dwindle into scene.

Has an older brother, also cannon now I think, and isn’t really on the best terms with him. Still he got on great with his mother and his father used to take him to work and he’d hide in the coffins to try and scare his dad.

Isn’t intentionally rude, but does come off that way pretty easily so he just kinda ran with that when making a character. Because of this he dances on the edge between técnico and rudo, but still leans more towards face because he likes coming across as a hero.

When he was banned from every promotion and couldn’t find a job he ended up doing a few death matches. You’ll find a lot of scars under all that gear and he’ll no longer use thumb tacks if he can avoid it.

Mr Professional

Has a $tan Pines-ass backstory with him getting kicked out of his own home when he was young and having his kid sister run away so she could stick with himself

Where am I getting this?

I just like the drama I guess :)

Big personality in the ring, but is kinda timid outside of it. A little shy, but still good at talking with folks. He’s still more a party dog type of guy

I think he’d collect sweaters, sense were already ripping off the Pines family here, and tea, because once again this guy is pretty chill.

[tbh a masked wrestler would fit right into gravity fa//s if I’m being real)

Has a cat that he had to leave with his sister when he moved to Mexico and when he calls her he makes her turn on face time so she can talk to it DX

Still looking for a house and might end up moving in with Fly now that Sorpresa has moved out.

Knew Fly for a while before moving away and knew Sorpresa too, but never knew she worked as his valet because he thought she was his daughter.

If any of his team mates find themselves in a fight she will be the one to end it.

Cross dressing cowboy? Why not. He brought it with him to Mexico for some reason 😭

Tsetse Fly!

Met Sorpresa’s aunt first when he was teamed with her for a comedy act which neither of them wanted to be a part of. They ended up whipping their opponents so hard they were belt holders for a month before Sorpresa’s aunt was scouted by a woman’s wrestling promotion. She was going to stay with Fly, but he told her to take her chance when she had one so she moved on. To Fly’s surprise she kept in touch and she ended up steering her towards her sister so they could wrestle together instead.

He actually got really close with the Sorpresa family, so much so that he’s Sorpresa’s god father.

This man is a big pipe smoker. He used to sit outside, smoke and just stare at the clouds. When Sorpresa was younger she’s sit on the floor next to him and bug him till he taught her some of his moves.

He’s a ladies man, again cannon but you know, and is dating one of his ring girls. (I have Hcs for them too, but no names 😔) but it’s an open relationship because you can’t clip this fly’s wings XD

Because of his dwarfism he does have some health complications with his bone structure and his breathing, so he takes the great precautions of not giving a shit and it’s working apparently because he’s doing fine enough.

He’s not the step dad he’s the dad that stepped up🫡 Helped raise Sorpresa during her preteens to teenage years by “babysitting” (sneaking her into matches and buying her first beers) while her mother was busy and became her legal guardian the last few months before she turned 18. He was planning on finding her a job and a place to stay before moving up to the states but she insisted on coming with him and here they are! She did get tired of living with him though.

Did not realise he became a dad until everyone started calling Sorpresa his daughter.

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The trickster of torture, the shocker of slaughter, the kick back of calamity

¡SORPRESA!

We have found the youngest! She has been training since she was popped out. Like this girl learned how to do a headlock before she could crawl and was beating her parents without them going easy on her when she was in her teens. She’s been ready to carry on her family’s legacy for a long time now.

If you’ve been around for a while you know what Hc I usually give my faves 😌

🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥🇿🇦💥

Afro Latina! Her mother is from Mexico and her father was from South Africa (Mzansi <3) but her father died when she was little so there’s not much to be said on him from her pov. She also doesn’t connect to her South African roots as much sense no one was there to help her learn them. (She’s Xhosa just in case you wanted to know)

There’s gonna be a great big lull between her helping to save a village of monsters and finding someone to sign her so, with some help from Rayo, she joins death matches. She was pretty good at both letting her nerves get the better of her, but it definitely took some getting used to. However she found herself pretty handy with a chain and if that failed she had her trusty bat! You’ll find her avoiding barbed wire at all costs tho 😞

She dropped out of high school at 16 to focus on wrestling and is very worried that she made the wrong choice

Her mother is in jail!

I think it would be funny if her cousins were punctuation themed. Like one of them was called like (google translate Spanish) “Pregunta?” And had a question mark on her head and so on. I think it’d be funny.

Speaking of cousins! She’s cousins with Ricochet! Mama Maniaca is one of her relatives that grew too far apart to wear her family mask.

Sorpresa has no idea what she’s doing but she’s doing it really well. She might not always be prepared for a situation, but she is great at coming up with solutions. You could even say this is the greatest plaaan-er. She’s quick on her feat and can roll with the punches easy.

Speaking of being quick, she is the fastest on the team, which was decided when she finally managed to take Rayo down lol.

Speaking or Rayo, tag team partners for life right there, hell she’s moving in with him with him! That’s her favourite person who isn’t family or dating. In other words, her best friend!

She and Jr had an on again off again relationship for a while until she finally sat him down and told him that unless it was going somewhere she wasn’t interested in all that drama. He stepped the fuck up after that.

She’s gonna usurp the role of leadership from Jr eventually. I can feel it in my knees. Either that or co- leaders. Rayo is only a little salty about it.

She is actually friends with the other valets. They would sneak her drinks because she was too young to buy them in the states (oh but back home it’s FINE! America’s drinking age is so dumb WHAT THW FUCK)

Despite knowing Pro for a few years they weren’t all that close, but now that they’ve started working together she’s enjoying his company a lot more than she thought.

The big part of her character is to be surprising, so whenever she’s in the ring she’ll do a lot of back stabbing. Her and her family are all rudos originally, but she’ll play técnico when she’s teaming. Being bad is just more fun.

Never let them know your next move.

If she was ever teamed with Fly she would have played big time into the comedy aspect to take the attention off Fly. We all know how he reacts when someone makes fun of him.

Here when she was younger she really wanted to be a dancer and she almost went down that route, until she met Fly and he showed her how wrestling was just like a more dangerous form of dance and she was hooked. Still enjoys dancing, going to a dance studio is still one of her favourite date spots.

Most of her strength comes from her core, so she’s good at staying stable in a fight, but she started strength training after the events of the movie to help her keep up with her team.

In one of her first matches she fought a woman who glued broken glass to the bottom of her boots and was very lucky not to lose an eye when she got kicked in the side of the head. Shes got some pretty wicked scars on the right side of her face now, but they’re hidden well enough under her mask. You can just see the one near her eye if it’s shits enough. (I haven’t draw it yet, so you won’t see it in my art 😔)

Despite being a really good wrestler she is the one with the most left to learn, but she’s getting there.

I have so many more but this post has gotten long enough. Thank you so much for the ask <3

[whimperaudioconnoisseur]

exploring kink is me healing my relationship with sex and i wanted to talk a bit about that

relevant context: i’m autistic but didn’t know that until i was in my late 20s. as such, i often felt like i was trying and failing at being a human.

as a teen i found the idea of sex scary, but at 18 i felt ready to see what the fuss was about and so i had sex. it was fine. but the social reward afterwards was addicting. suddenly i was seen as a person who counted, someone to take equally seriously as anyone else. i felt like i had finally found the ticket to passing as a human being. so being a person who had sex became a big part of how i masked in my late teens and early 20s. sex was to me, at that point, the fee i had to pay to be a person.

around my mid 20s i started learning about kinky stuff and i was conflicted. i found it interesting, but it also felt like the fee to be an acceptable person had gone up. i tried to start exploring it, but the pressure i felt made me anxious so i pulled back. feeling like i had to do all these things just to “not be boring” made me go the opposite direction and say: fuck you, i am boring. and i started to at least dream that i could be liked without making concessions regarding my body.

another thing that turned me off from kink at this time was the idea i had that i “should” be submissive??? guessing that had to do with societal gender roles, possibly also the fact that i love plushies and pastel colours and cute stuff i kept seeing connected to sub roles.

after starting to realise i might be autistic, i had a sex free relationship that was amazing. i felt so seen and loved and it was incredibly fulfilling. i then had another relationship with vanilla sex that, while flawed in some ways, felt sexually safe and not transactional like i had viewed sex in the past.

which leads us up to a sexting session with a friend that changed everything. they were so excited to get to do that with me, and because i know and trust them i had a great time. we sort of naturally fell into a d/s dynamic where i was dominant, and afterwards i was like oh. i see. i started doing a ton of research about bdsm and now here we are. (don’t worry, i did check in with my friend about it since we hadn’t negotiated the dynamic we ended up having. luckily it was all good and they enjoyed it, but please don’t intentionally try to start a dynamic without negotiation.)

i no longer feel the need to do anything i don’t want to. i know that i’m a person who counts no matter what. i don’t have to do sex in any way but the way i like it, or at all. (i also don’t have to do dominance in any way but the way i like it, for that matter.)

which means i can actually have fun with sex and kink now. feels good. :)