#persistent drive for autonomy

[autism-affirmations]

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

10 Signs of 'Pathological Demand Avoidance (AKA Persistent Drive for Autonomy)

Neurodivergent_lou

[angelinasnotebooks]

Hate that my form of hyperfixation is consuming and not creating.

I think I've been falling in love with ideas my whole life. I see colors and concepts and characters, and I want every part of the illusion to play around my body and immerse my mind and soul. I thought growing up I would be an artist. When that mentally shattered, I moved on to thinking I would become an author. Now, however, I don't know what or who I'll be. All I know is that my brain never stops coming up with ideas. 

Yet, with all these ideas comes the possibility of creation. It's what I want, isn't it? I want to create these pictures and stories and share them with the world. So, why am I motionless in my pursuit to bring my mind to life? I have a library in my head. There's a girl in there. Her favorite color is blue. She doesn't know if life is worth living. I have an art museum there too. There's a portrait of a dying renegade, and a demon alter ego desiring joy. Then there's the realm of fandoms. The endless multiverse of continuations and alternatives.  

There's a lot going on inside my brain and imagination. Chemicals I do not understand and signals I cannot control. An abundance of beauty only an individual can conjure with their subjectivity. With no outlet for these thoughts and images, I find it all to be too much at times. Wings heavy on my back and flightless under the pressure. The ability to soar is there, but the weight within is burdensome.  

Every day I come up with something new. Some ideas are fresh while others are another line on the loom, but that is all they are. Thoughts. Ideas. Invisible whisps, webs, and wishes. It's as if the only part of my frontal lobe that works is that of imagination and complex thinking. I attempt short stories, painting, studying, chores, school projects, craft projects and I never get them done. Planning, time management, logical reasoning, and decision-making have all taken a backseat. I can't get any of them done, so I turn to what has already been done. 

I rewatch a favorite show. I read another fanfic. I click on a YouTube video and another. I scroll Tumblr. I read character analysis. I try on the clothes in my closet. I add shit to my wish list. I post photos from two months ago on my Instagram. I relate to autistic ADHD tiktokers. I pretend Pinterest will help me get my life together. I think about the MCU. I watch another comfort, crime, haunted, mythical series. I visit my AO3 bookmarks. I doom scroll whatever app I can get my eyes on. I turn thirteen again and either spiral into a depressive state or become infatuated with the Hunger Games--again.

The point is, I can't force my brain to work on the original ideas. Sitting at a desk with supplies doesn't get my hands moving. I fall numb waiting for my body and mind to comply with my intentions. So, I end up here again. Hitting a heart button to let other people know that their commentary and hard work have reached me, and I liked it.  

I don’t want all my ideas and universes to end where they are. I don’t want to minimize or invalidate my existence, or the experiences of others like me, by remaining artistically stagnant. I want my mind to be a visual tangible galaxy free to be roamed and explored. I want to have my heart in my hands, and I want to give it to every single person that I can. I want these thoughts, these precious ideas out of my head and into yours, dear reader. I don't want to consume; I want to create. If I'm going to go down the rabbit hole, I want to be the rabbit. The entrance maker. Not the lost girl I am right now. 

[goodpointsandbadpoints]

... more pda memes.

[rorywritessmut]

How do I get my spouse to understand my PDA?? It’s taken two years for him to understand that I am autistic and things won’t change. Now that I have a PDA profile, which has always existed, he refuses to believe it’s real and it something I can change.

Take today for example:

Him:What Are you doing today?

Me: I’m not telling you my plan because then it’s a demand and I won’t do it.

Him: you really need to grow up and get over this.

Like, I can’t??? I’ve talked to him about PDA and sent him articles but the man, I have to admit, is ableist as hell. He won’t even support me in accommodations because it’s “a crutch.”

[anxietyfrappuccino]

right now, perfection means doing things the way other people want me to do them, and i just can't fucking do it

[rainbowpopeworld]

💌 send this to the twelve nicest people you know or who seem to have a good heart and if you get five back you must be pretty awesome. 💌

Awwwww 🥰💕💕 Sending it right back atcha!!

(Obligatory Crowley gif)

[vitriolatitsfinest]

As an adult it’s best to keep your distance from narc parents cuz it’s hard not to regress mentally around them. It’s not til you separate again that you realize how different a state you were in when interacting with them, and how you played into their games. But the body survives situations the way it knows how to. And they way they treat you hasn’t changed. You don’t need to keep surviving them, just go live. There’s no point in trying to teach unconscious people how to treat you as a human being.

[journey-to-balance]

So happiness,

as most of us are taught, or

as most of us see it, is results oriented.

If then.

If I get this,

then I will be happy.

If I reach this goal,

then I will be happy.

Something akin to a "ta-da" moment. But,

there's no "ta-da" moment.

There's no hill

that you get to the top of, and

you say, "ah, I think I did it."

Because what you do see,

once you get to the top, is

other hills.

I know now,

that joy is more in the verb,

in the process of doing, and

if we can get out of our mind,

that there is a finish line, and

just enjoy the race, if we

can just chase ourselves and say,

"this is the best I can do," if we

can get to the end of this life, sit back and say,

"well, I didn't make it to the top, but

how many steps did I climb,

how wide was my reach,

how deep did my roots grow?"

Would it tally up?

And if once this life is over, and

Creator turns to us and says,

"well done,"

would we be happy then? I would.

I think that's as good as it gets.

April is National Poetry Month, 30 days of celebrating the joy, expressiveness, and pure delight of poetry.

[missmitchieg]

How to Talk to Your PDA Kid, Tips for Adults too! | Pathological Demand Avoidance profile of Autism

[autism-affirmations]

if i am given one more Task i will scream

[the-mechanica]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by ✨Kathleen Duncan, LMFT ✨ (@anautisticguide)

Sharing this not only for my overarching theory that Loba has PDA AuDHD, but because I myself have it too and this was the best breakdown of what burnout feels like in this context.

To bring it back to Loba tho, this also proves my point due to the trauma response that gets activated when push comes to shove.

I’m pretty adamant about people learning that Autism doesn’t just look like Wattson or Crypto. As well as how trauma factors into autism.

[glitchmeharder]

Persistent Drive for Autonomy

Aka Pathological Demand Avoidance

Aka, the toddler in my brain that throws fits

I forgot how to do page breaks so u get to suffer. Sorry

Yeah so ive heard that autistics mirror other peoples moods, its like our nervous system trying to regulate itself (?close but dont quote me). but with PDA, not mirroring someone can be a demand. So if im upset and out of spoons, and my pda bestie is the same, we are gonna make eachother worse. And i cant stop cause im out of spoons to deal with demands. Its bad bro, i wanna gnaw off my arm (not for attention i think but so the mood will change) because someone thats upset is like a threat to my being. Its not always that way. But ive been over my head, over exerting my demands to the MAX since August. And i uh think i broke myself for a while. But i dont have the luxury to stop. I dont get to "take a break" or "lessen demands" i end up calling upon my inner abusive boomer to say "suck it tf up". But im running out if suction power.

[goodpointsandbadpoints]

do you ever get emotional thinking about how your nervous system is just trying to protect you? I'm trying out the mindset where I view my oversensitive nervous system with compassion instead of resentment.

I think it's interesting that many people boil PDA down to not wanting to be told what to do. In reality, it's caused by having a nervous system that is extremely sensitive to anything that takes away control or autonomy.

My mom has been teaching me scripts to advocate for myself. She knows that people won't respond well to "I have pathological demand avoidance," because they think it's a made up label (e.g. 'PDA is an excuse to be stubborn or lazy'). Instead, she says I can say things like, "My nervous system goes into fight-or-flight really easily," or "my body is in survival mode a lot of the time."

Why even bother bringing it up? Because I do things (that are out of my control) that confuse and bother other people. I want to explain it. I get angry/defensive in unexpected scenarios, constantly show signs of anxiety, and often find roundabout ways to follow directions. It gets confusing when someone tells me we're going to watch our favorite movie together, and I get really irritated and won't come out of my room!

I don't want my loved ones to think I don't like them, or that I'm trying to ruin the vibes. I love them and I want to make happy memories with them. It's just hard a lot of the time because my body is telling me to fight, run away, or roll over most of the time.

So, anyway, all this to say that I am trying to show my nervous system some compassion. Other people might not believe in PDA or nervous system responses, but I can't control that. The most I can do is have compassion for myself, and learn how to advocate for my needs.

[anxietyfrappuccino]

i get so excited about the prospect of learning something new, but the experience is ruined every time by the weight of expectation

[tielt]

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