#i could potentially do it if i played for 12 hours a day

[thisisnotthenerd]

the ratgrinders' potential levels

cannot believe i was right about the xp reqs. the bad kids & the seven get 'special treatment' (milestone leveling and saving the world), while others have to work with xp. which tells you a lot about why people fled during prompocalypse.

ok getting into the algebra now: the rat grinders have gone into the far haven woods every day for the last two years, for 3 hours after school, and 9 hours/day on weekends. presumably they keep this up during the summer.

they have supposedly defeated 80,000 or more of three types of creatures: rats, spiders, and twig blights. there are some variations to what these could be, so here's a list of what this could encompass, assuming the ratgrinders are not facing creatures over CR 1.

giant rat: CR 1/8, 25 XP

swarm of rats: CR 1/4, 50 XP

giant wolf spider: CR 1/8, 25 XP

swarm of spiders: CR 1/2, 100 XP

giant flying spider: CR 1, 200 XP

giant spider: CR 1, 200 XP

ice spider: CR 1, 200 XP

twig blight: CR 1/8, 25 XP

needle blight: CR 1/4, 50 XP

thorn slinger: CR 1/2, 100 XP

vine blight: CR 1/2, 100 XP

razorvine blight: CR 1, 200 XP

thorny: CR 1: 200 XP

the full list is a little difficult to do calculations on, so let's condense it. assume a quarter of the 80000 creatures were CR 1/8, a quarter were CR 1/4, so on and so forth.

how much xp would they earn? how much would they level for the amount they ground? grinded? for?

critical assumption here: in the games i've played, we've always done milestone or zeroed out xp with each level, i.e. after earning 300 xp to get to level 2, you have to earn 900 xp to get to level 3, not 600. this analysis assumes that you have to earn the next levels xp reqs on top of your current total. i'm including the xp chart here to clarify:

level 1: 0 XP, +2, total 0 XP

level 2: 300 XP, +2, total 300 XP

level 3: 900 XP, +2, total 1200 XP

level 4: 2700 XP, +2, total 3900 XP

level 5: 6500 XP, +3, total 10400 XP

level 6: 14000 XP, +3, total 24400 XP

level 7: 23000 XP, +3, total 47400 XP

level 8: 34000 XP, +3, total 81400 XP

level 9: 48000 XP, +4, total 129400 XP

level 10: 64000 XP, +4, total 193400 XP

level 11: 85000 XP, +4, total 278400 XP

level 12: 100000 XP, +4, total 378400 XP

level 13: 120000 XP, +5, total 498400 XP

level 14: 140000 XP, +5, total 638400 XP

level 15: 165000 XP, +5, total 803400 XP

level 16: 195000 XP, +5, total 998400 XP

level 17: 225000 XP, +6, total 1223400 XP

level 18: 265000 XP, +6, total 1488400 XP

level 19: 305000 XP, +6, total 1793400 XP

level 20: 355000 XP, +6, total 2148400 XP

if we went cumulatively, based on the number of creatures the bad kids have defeated, they'd be getting up there in xp. we know they've had opportunities to defeat creatures outside of the quests that we've seen, given the oneshots. thus, i'm going with the second explanation, because otherwise the ratgrinders would be 19th level, and i don't think they are, because it would make any pvp setups super unbalanced, which are neither fun to play nor watch. this puts them on a little more even ground and emphasizes the amount of work it takes to xp grind to level against milestone leveling.

for the CR 1/8s: assuming roughly 20,000 creatures, they'd get 25 XP per, which means 500,000 xp. that's cumulatively enough to get to level 13, on just those creatures. divided 6 ways, assuming the ratgrinders have 6 members, it's 83,333.33, which is enough to get you to 10th level cumulatively and 8th non cumulatively.

this scales up to the 1/4s, 1/2s and the 1s since the xp gains double for each challenge rating rather than plateauing as they do at higher levels.

for the CR 1/4s: 1,000,000 xp. that's cumulatively enough to get to level 16 on just those creatures. divided 6 ways, assuming the ratgrinders have 6 members, it's 166,666.66, which is enough to get you to 15th level cumulatively and 9th non cumulatively.

for the CR 1/2s: 2,000,000 xp. divided 6 ways, assuming the ratgrinders have 6 members, it's 333,333.33, which is enough to get you to 19th level cumulatively, and 11th level non cumulatively.

and for the 1s, 4,000,000 xp. well over what you'd need to get to level 20, on just the CR 1s. divided 6 ways, assuming the ratgrinders have 6 members, it's 666,666.66, which is well over 20th level cumulatively, and 14th level non cumulatively.

using this estimate and adding all of this up, each member of the ratgrinders would have gathered enough xp to be level 20 cumulatively, and level 17 non cumulatively.

obviously the actual numbers would scale differently; initially, they would likely have to tackle these creatures as a party, but over time would take care of them individually. this is a bunch of kids doing the intro to class assignment for every assignment for two years straight.

level 20 seems extreme for the aguefort adventuring academy; let's scale it down a bit. the creatures specifically mentioned are probably giant rats, giant wolf spiders, and twig blights, based on the descriptions from jawbone.

all of these are CR 1/8, or 25 XP each. 80000 would give an xp total of 2,000,000, which would put each of the ratgrinders at around 11th level, a little higher level than the bad kids at the moment. however, since their fighting prowess scaled up, and they're probably going out in elmville and actively hindering the bad kids in some way, that level is very likely to increase.

what we saw in the episode

now the sticking point is mary ann rolling a 35. we know she got some kind of transmutation buff. a little tricky wording from brennan; fabian had enhance ability on, which is a transmutation spell. he did not say it was enhance ability.

mary ann is a barbarian, so she already gets advantage on athletics if she's raging, which i assume she was. the buff probably wouldn't be something that grants advantage.

assuming the lower estimate of 11th level, mary ann would get a +4 proficiency bonus, and i'm assuming she has 20 in strength, so +5 to her strength based skills, for a total of +9. at the high estimate of level 17, she would have a +6 to her proficiency bonus, which would give her a total of +11 to athletics. this is still not high enough to get a 35, even on a nat 20, which brennan would have declared if he had rolled one. she could conceivably accomplish this with the brawny feat, which allows for expertise in the athletics skill, which would give her a +17, meaning she could hit a 35 on a 18.

or, the buff was something like skill empowerment, which is a 5th level transmutation spell that gives the target expertise in a skill that they already have proficiency in. this spell is available to bards and wizards, among other classes, both of which we presume are in the ratgrinders. ruben could have cast skill empowerment on mary ann and given her bardic inspiration (lower estimate: d10, higher estimate: d12), both of which would have enabled that 35.

judging by the implication that she could not accomplish that feat without some kind of buff, i'm going with the latter explanation.

anyway i did too much math for this to not go in the stats series, or the school series. so this will be added to the spreadsheet later.

i hope this is useful.

[batsythoughts]

I know nobody probably wants this, but I had this spiral of thoughts while at work today and had to share. What if the Joker had a child that no one had known about?

Not like a teenager that had been under his care for years and mentally crazy like the Joker, but like a knee-high, wide eyed, 'have uppies?' toddler.

Like, imagine that Batman had busted a part of Joker's operations and was talking with the officers

He realized it was only a couple hours until sunrise and had to go and get some rest for a big meeting he had with his lawyers

The last thing he said was to round up every person in the building and put them all in a secure cell in the Asylum

Immediately after Batman leaves, one of the officers finds this small child in a room with multiple screens playing different escapades that the Joker had performed over the years

Poor kid was strapped to a chair and sobbing when the officer frantically undid the ropes and got the kid out of that room

Everyone was confused about what they should potentially do with this kid who looked like a miniature clown

Without many options, the kid gets sent to the Asylum with all the Joker's henchmen who are equally as confused about who the hell this kid was

The Warden is fucking livid because what the FUCK is a kid doing here, but it was the safest place to be while everyone tried to figure out if the child was stable to be around the nonvillainous population

Most of the detainees are confused, but none of them speak out of turn to them

In fact, the kid becomes the reason most of them behave to a degree

It is still a prison after all with rules and there were no exceptions even with a child

Some of the inmates would get into small altercations during meal times to keep the guards distracted while the cooks would sneak small bits of food to other inmates so they could give the kid a snack later in the day

Sure it could cost them their job, but what kind of person would let a child go hungry throughout the day?

Anyways, a couple weeks go by and most crime had gone down during the night. No attempted escapes or extravagant overtakings of any kind from almost any villain

Bruce and the boys are very confused by the sudden change, but silently welcome the relaxed pace that is happening

Alfred was taking the day to get groceries for the Manor with Jason being dragged along for some 'social interaction'

Mostly so Alfred had someone else to push the shopping cart and Tim and Damian refused to go to the store, but that's besides the point

Alfred was looking between two different brownie mixes when two women walk by

They talked about how the guards are bordering on taking their job too serious with the one inmate they had

Alfred began to tune them out as he began to put one of the mixes in the cart when he suddenly froze in place

"I mean, the kid's been through enough already. How many 4-year-olds do you know that have semipermanent white paint on their whole body with dyed purple hair?"

Alfred's hand remained suspended in air as the women slowly walked past them. His mind flashed back to a few years ago when he remembered Bruce telling him about Harley suddenly stopped coming to any scheme the Joker had for over half a year. And then she came back slightly more manic than she was previously for a few month after

Jason, who had been spaced out, glanced at Alfred and thought the older man was having a stroke. He had never seen the butler so still in all the time that they had known one another. Jason swears he can't even see him breath for a good 12 seconds

Alfred quickly puts the baking mix on the shelf, not even looking to make sure it was in the right spot. Jason felt his blood run cold at that sight alone as the bulter walked off and grabbed Jason's collar

The cart partially full of groceries was forgotten as Alfred went to the children's section and picked up a box with a toddler's car seat in it. Went to the register and paying before going to the car and expertly putting car seat in the middle backseat

Jason felt extremely confused as he watched the whole scene before he hesitantly decided to ask, "What do we need a carseat for? We don't have a kid that needs one."

Alfred broke down the empty box and put it in the trunk before going to open the passenger door for Jason. Walking over to the driver's side and calmly getting in. "Not yet."

Cue Jason terrified for his life as Alfred speeds through the streets because DEAR GOD THE SPEED LIMIT IS 55 NOT 82!

Jason pulls out his phone to record the whole thing before it was over because no one would believe this if he didn'thave proof. Barely registering that he had accidentally started a live stream on one of the Wayne Enterprise's accounts Tim had connected him to at some point

Alfred only slams on the breaks when he gets to the gates of Arkham Asylum. Glaring down the guard who tries to yell at him before coldly stating, "I'm here for the child."

The guard begins protesting that it's a restricted area, but Alfred stared him down with a glare that Jason had only seen a handful of times in his life when one of the boys had fucked up bad

The guard keeps telling them to turn around and Alfred reached under the dash and when the FUCK did he hide a GUN under there?!

"The child. Now." The guard opened the gate and Alfred pulled in before putting the gun away and shutting the car off

Jason considers staying in the car as Alfred gets out and begins marching to the door. But God, he didn't want to explain to Bruce that he didn't even fully know why Alfred conned his way into a high security prison

The two of them walk through the corridors to an unknown destination. Jason looking both confused and terrified while flipping the camera between him and Alfred until they make it to the cafeteria

All the inmates look over at the two of them as they walk in, Alfred looking over the crowd before spotting the spot of purple in the sea of orange jumpsuits

He walks with over to Poison Ivy who was carrying the little one around before holding out his hands. Ivy looks at him for a moment before giving a small nod in understanding and letting him take the child

"Take good care of them or I will come for you, old man." Ivy warns him before giving a small wave to the child. "Have a good time sweetie."

"Bye bye, Aunt Ivy." Alfred began to walk back to Jason. Glaring softly as the guards try to block his path

Half of them are on the ground in just a few seconds as most of the inmates start a fight with the guards. Each of them waving bye as Alfred walks back to Jason and to the car

By looks alone, Jason could tell exactly who's kid this was. Who wouldn't be able to when they looked just like a fucking child circus star

Jason stares in confusion as Alred gently puts the child in the car seat and buckles them in. Patting their head before telling Jason to get in the back

He's too scared to argue so he gets in behind the passenger seat as Alfred opens the door to get in but stops when the Warden comes marching over

Leaving the door open, Alfred calmly walks over the the man while getting yelled at that he can't just take a prisoner simply because he wants to

Jason flips the camera to show Alfred calmly taking in the yells of the Warden

The moment he tried to walk past the butler to get to the car, Alfred backhanded him so hard the Warden fell to the ground

Jason stared in shock as Alfred got in the car and began driving back towards the City

Jason looks at the child who stares back at him with the same intensity until they looked out the window and pointing. "Where going?"

"To get you some food and new clothes." Alfred speaks plainly as he got to a drive thru. Quickly ordering a kids meal and handing it back the moment it was ready.

Jason watched as the child began eating the moment the food was in their lap. Occasionally offering him a piece which he always denied so the kid ate the much needed nutrients

Alfred drove into the parking lot of a children's clothing store before getting out and carrying the child in with Jason following close behind

Alfred takes the kid through the aisles to pick out some clothes that they would want to wear

Jason chuckling at the sight of Alfred holding different shirts up to see if they would fit because they look so happy to get to pick out one with a derpy looking cat on it

After getting some outfits, they all walk to the checkout. Waiting in line for a moment before Alfred feels a small tug on his arm

Looking down, he sees the child pointing at something. Moving his gaze, he takes notice of a small stand with small Batman plushies on it

Jason holds back a laugh as he points the camera over the stand before looking at the child again. "You like Batman, huh?"

The both got an eager nod as curious eyes look back at Alfred, waiting for an answer. With a small smile, he grabbed one and put it on the counter to be paid for first. The moment it was scanned, it was handed down to the excited hands of its new owner

The kid gives an excited giggle as they held the toy over their head that the cashier couldn't help but smile as well

After everything was paid for, Alfred makes sure the child gets changed out of the prison uniform. He made a mental note to have Bruce investigate on why they even were given one in the first place

Getting back in the car, Alfred drives them back to the grocery store to restart the whole shopping trip with the intention for getting extra snacks for the family's new guest

With the child buckled into the child carrier in the cart, Jason began pushing the cart while following Alfred around the store once again

He tried holding the phone in his own hand, but gave up as little hands keep curiously grabbing at it to see the screen with wide eyes

He smiles as he watches the child make multiple different faces to the camera, a small fit of laughter sounding each time they look back up at Jason

He can help but wonder how such a calm and happy child (calm and happy compared to the teens Bruce took in) could be the offspring of the very man who made his life a living hell

They make it halfway through the store a confused voice called out to the men

Dick had just been grabbing a few snack items for himself to have for his weekend off

The last thing he expected to see was Jason hauling around a child while Alfred finished putting multiple different juice boxes from the shelf into the cart

He walked over with a bag of chips and frozen mini pizzas as he wore a confused frown while looking between the three of them

Jason wore a smirk as he leaned on the handle. Alfred gave him a small nod before he pulled out the shopping list to see what else was needed

The child look at him with a small head tilt. Blinking up at him before holding up the plush toy with a cheerful "Batsy!"

Dick has to bite his lip to hold back is laughter from the single action alone, because how ironic is it that this kid adores Batman specifically

Alfred begins to walk towards the pharmacy area, intending to get some hygiene supplies for the child

Dick begin following behind Jason as they follow behind. Dick leaning over to Jason and asking what the hell is going and why is there now a toddler

Before Jason can say anything, an excited fit of laughter sounds as a small hand points to something once again

It's the electronic area in the store, so maybe it's a movie that's caught the attention of the child

Jason and Dick look over and both of them stare in shock as they see a wall of TVs playing a live feed from a local news station. A group of news anchors smiling as they stare at a screen that was also playing onscreen

What makes the two of them most nervous is the half of the screen that was currently showing a smiling face with purple hair staring down at the camera once again

Jason frantically grabs his phone as he begins to try and figure out how to turn the video off as Dick frantically raises his voice because how did you not realize you were live filming and WHY IS THERE 3.2 BILLION PEOPLE WATCHING THIS!?

Jason finally turns the video off and the TV cuts the video almost immediately which causes half the reporters to boo

Let both let out a breath of relief as the feed cuts out, watching the screen to see how bad the damage was

To their surprise, the headline on screen read 'Happy Little Addition to Wayne Family?'

They both look confused as they hear one reporter talks about how the internet is enamored by this unexpected new appearance in the Wayne family. Grinning as they mention the people who watched the video decided to nickname the kid 'Giggles' because of how happy they were during the whole thing

Jason cursed under his breath as he realized he might have screwed up big time with Bruce because of the whole thing. He didn't get much time to think about it before Alfred came back and pulled the cart along with him

Dick shook his head with a stupid grin on his face as he looked at Jason "Bruce is going to have stroke when he finds out about this."

Which Bruce practically did. He was in a budgeted meeting for the new quarter for the company, so he didn't even have a clue about the whole livestream

He had just got out of the meeting when his assistant came up with a concerned expression. Hastily trying to tell him some news that he really needs to hear

Bruce rubs his temples as he calmly asks if he could get five minutes of quiet in his office before hearing any form of news

His assistant followed after him while trying to explain that it was really important that he sees this now

With a deep sigh, Bruce reluctantly took the tablet into his hand to stare at whatever statistic was on the screen

What he wasn't expecting to see was small clips of video with Alfred holding up different clothes and Jason sitting in the backseat as a kid offers him a french fry

The only reaction from Bruce was a deep sighas he handed the tablet back before saying he was leaving for the day

He was thankful that no paparazzi had come around to get any pictures as he was getting to his car

Damian and Tim had been in the living room when they had gotten back to the manor. Neither of them knowing about the livestream because why would they watch it if Bruce would just sum it up to the others later that night

Alfred came in with the sleeping child in his arms and walked over to the couch Tim was on. Placing them down on his lap before walking away to get the groceries put away

Both of the younger boys are confused as they watch this little clown lean further into Tim while holding a small toy in a death cuddle

After a few minutes, Dick and Jason both come walking in as Jason takes the remote from beside Damian and flips through the channels

Dick sits near Tim as he opens the bag of chips he got as he stares at the child with a confused expression

Everyone looks at Jason for a moment before Tim asks, "Where did you get the kid from?"

Jason settles on a small comedy movie as he gives a small shrug "Alfred picked the kid up from the Asylum. He pulled a gun he keeps under the dash on one of the guards."

Tim and Dick let out small noises of disbelief at the explanation while Damian wondered which gun Jason was meaning. Alfred had both a pistol and revolver in the car that he was aware of

The child slowly began to stir with a small whine as they opened their eyes. Glancing around to see the new environment they had found themselves in

Moving to their own spot on the couch while looking at the movie with confused and sleepy eyes

Damian stared down the child for a while before actually making eye contact

The both stared at one another for a moment before Damian finally spoke up "So the clown had an accident that he didn't want."

"Damian!" Dick begins to scold the boy as he sat up straight. His voice falling short when a little head rests on his chest as frantic cries fill the room

It's hard for them to understand the what was being said between the sobs, but Dick was able to get out was 'don't wanna go back'

Dick holds the child close while trying his hardest to make the crying stop

Everyone feels uncomfortable as the child holds the Batman toy tighter while hiccuping out something along the lines of 'no fight Batsy'

Dear lord, did they underestimate how traumatized this toddler was compared to the rest of them at such a young age

Tim picks up his phone to try and find a video or something that might try and calm down the whole situation

That's when he gets a notification about some video about someone named Giggles?

He clicks on it, thinking it would be able to a couple laughs

The moment it loads, he looks between Jason and the kid because why are they in a video on his phone right now

Apparently, people had made highlight reels of the live stream and were sharing them online. The one Tim had clicked on was designed like one of those joke style ones with the funny little background music

He was about to change it when he saw the kid lift their head up with a confused look as they stare at the phone in his hand

Tim quickly connects his phone to the TV so the video was now on screen

Tears were quickly gone as small laughs soon began to fill the living room

All the boys felt relieved as they watched along with the video. Laughing softly at a few parts that showed up in the video

All of them let out shocked noises when they all watched Alfred bitch slap the Warden like he was a fly

None of them noticed when the door opened when Bruce got home. He immediately went to the kitchen where Alfred was making a few sandwiches

Walking up to the counter, Bruce looked at Alfred while asking him why the internet is showing he basically broke a convict out of prison

Cutting the crust off the sandwiches, Alfred countered that without an actual crime being committed by the person, it wasn't breaking a convict out

Bruce was utterly unimpressed as he crossed his arms saying they had to go back to the asylum where they were placed by the police

Alfred puts the last sandwich on the plate before looking directly into Bruce's eyes

"Alright."

Bruce furrowed his brow in confusion. There was no way it was going to be that easy for Alfred to agree

"You have to break the news of taking the child back though."

There it was

Bruce held his gaze as he raised a brow. He could easily find a way to explain the whole situation and why it would be best-

The tugging on his suit jacket pulled Bruce out of his thoughts. Looking down, he saw a curious face looking back at him

"I have juice, please?"

Bruce had not expected someone who barely even reached his knee to be the child in question. He was thinking maybe it was a teenager who was on the younger looking side of the spectrum

He really needed to talk to his assistant about showing him more detailed photos next time

Bruce looked back at Alfred, who simply raised a brow in response

Cue the whole Batfam on or around the couch while watching a movie. Bruce sending messages to his assistant to remind him to schedule different doctors appointments with little Giggles cuddled up on his lap

No one knew the kids actual name so they were just going with it because it made the kid happy to be called that

Dick was on the end as he quickly took a selfie with Bruce patting Giggles' head as they showed him the stuffed Batman while drinking from a juice box. The others in various lounging positions close by while eating the sandwiches Alfred provided

He put it on his story with the caption 'Bruce is putting this kid in his will right now, I swear'

The peaceful atmosphere was broken when Alfred came walking in with Commissioner Gordon walking in with a deep frown

He looked at Bruce as he explained that Giggles had to go back to the asylum due to the safety of the city

All the boys stared at him with looks of disinterest as they silently dared him to try

Gordon let out a sigh as he explained that Giggles was placed in the care of the city after the bust had happened, so technically the Wayne's would potentially face kidnapping charges if they didn't give the kid to him

Alfred cleared his throat as he pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Gordan

He looked it over for a moment before taking in a deep breath while rubbing his temple

He handed the paper back as he mumbles that he doesn't get paid enough. He begins walking away with a small wave goodbye as he quickly leaves the manor

Bruce looks at Alfred as he asks what the paper was. It gets handed to him as a confused look crosses Bruce's face because when the hell did he sign adoption papers

Alfred explains he had messaged Bruce's lawyer earlier hand had it drawn up that afternoon. The signature was easy to get because he had a stamp for emergency reasons

Dick can't help himself as he takes another picture for the scene and posts it on the Bruce's personal account with the caption 'He adopted the kid and didn't even know it'

Dick and Jason laugh to one another as they whisper to themselves about how Giggles is going to loose it when they find out who Batman really was

[tossawary]

The 3-day trial system in "Ace Attorney" is absolutely nuts. I know the game is intentionally making fun of corrupt & dysfunctional legal systems and is also upping the pacing to create a sense of urgency & excitement, but I truly underestimated just how hysterically funny it would be to play this trial system. They have created some WILD logistical worldbuilding.

Like, someone gets murdered on Day 1. Phoenix Wright finds out about this on Day 2 and goes to talk to them. This person has less than 24 hours to find their own legal representation before a public defender is assigned to them, and Phoenix has to do his own investigating before the trial tomorrow morning. Day 3 is the first day of the trial, in which Phoenix is doing everything he can to prove innocence and somehow also solve the actual murder in the middle of court, and hopefully at least get the Judge to agree that they need another day of investigation and interrogation. There's an in-universe rule that a trial can only go for 3 days, so by Day 5, the third day of the trial, this nonsense needs to be wrapped up. The first game doesn't explicitly say that this is a death penalty system, but it's heavily implied at points, so depending on the case, Phoenix has THREE DAYS to potentially SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

And this is all hilariously, horribly BONKERS for Phoenix, but it's just as awful when you start getting into all the little bureaucratic details of trying to make this legal system actually work. A public defender might get a case at 5 PM for a murder trial at 10 AM the next morning?! (I know public defenders are often horribly overworked IRL. This is part of what the game is mocking.) Autopsies are being performed within, like, 12 hours of the murder?! They're getting results back from the forensics labs within 24 hours?! How much of the city budget is SPENT on law enforcement?! The overtime hours must be horrifying. No wonder things are constantly falling through the cracks; people are fucked if their defense attorneys are on vacation that day or if the witnesses aren't answering their phones that day.

And, also, like, did the courthouse not have OTHER trials scheduled for that day? Are they reserving a courtroom in this courthouse for emergency murder cases? Even if there's a 3-day limit to speed things up, it's a big city, shit happens, how are they seeing people this quickly? Are there just separate courthouses for all crimes below various degrees of murder? (Obviously, family law and small claims and minor crimes and such must be handled somewhere else, but still.) Or are people in Japanifornia getting last minute calls from the overworked scheduling people at the courthouse like, "Hi, witness for an assault trial, your testimony has been rescheduled because someone was murdered last night. This could take 1-3 days. We'll let you know." Then that poor witness is like, "Shit, I took a day off of work for this??? I have to call my boss again now. Fuck you!!!"

It's tempting to write an AA fic about a series of murders in this world, in which people are obviously being framed for these crimes but it's not clear who the real murderer is, because this is all happening to keep postponing a different trial, because murder cases apparently go to trial immediately in the AA universe as #1 priority. Someone needs this extra time to steal the evidence from the police station and frame someone else for their crime, because if this postponed trial goes to court, then a different, older, unsolved murder is sure to come to light.

This features a public defender OC who is... the most exhausted person... of all time... trying to hold the line of human rights. The burnout rate must be horrifying.

[glorified-red]

Locks & Cake Pops (Damian Wayne x Reader x Jon Kent)

summary: Gotham was a scary place when the sun went down. One terrifying encounter with a stranger left you completely worn thin. Thankfully, your boys were more than prepared to come find you.

word count: 4,800~

warnings: panic attack, paranoia, vague & very short description of encountering a scary stranger (none explicit to what happened, by whom, or by any gender. Only specification is that it's a conversation and Reader is hesitant around touch), paranoia to violence or potential violence, constant paranoia of not being safe

Y'all called me a main character and I think the people writing my story took that as a CHALLENGE. The amount of plot I went through today??? I swear, fics really do write themselves, huh?

Shout out to @quillsareswords for planting the Poly Fic seed in my head with her fics until I couldn't NOT write one. And shout out to @unmotivatedwrit3r for being my Jon today and @uni-magi-nation for being my Damian because guess what lads, this fic is based on a true story!! As are most of my fics anyway, so please, enjoy the events that happened less than 12 hours ago ;P

You could pinpoint the exact moment your day had derailed. 

It wasn’t until the sun had just barely started to slip beneath the horizon. Nearly ten hours of joy all crashed in one single moment. It was one decision. A single foot placement was the difference between coming home safe and the disaster that befell you currently. 

One foot placement was all it took and your entire world crumbled from above you. 

You almost wondered if your foot pivoted slightly to the east, if you took the path to your right instead of your left, would you still be in this position? Would you be here, clinging to your next breath as if it was your last? 

But alas, you traveled west to your car. The path you took was slightly dimmer than the other in the middle of dusk. Less people, less crowds . . . less witnesses. 

That one decision landed you in an inescapable exchange of words. Whether you made it home was a decision you no longer had control of, it was now placed in the hands of a stranger—a person who thrived on the rush of feeling a life beat in the palm of their hands. 

Your feet were placed on a track alongside them, desperately trying to find a way out. But each pivot was either too late or too suspicious, all you could do was play along like some kind of puppet. Eventually the rush simmered and the paths diverged, they split off into two distinct directions, and you were free. 

You didn’t bother to care when your feet pounded against the ground one after another. They did their job, they took you to where your brain had decided you needed to go despite you not truly being a part of that conversation. You let your instincts take over, the adrenaline high of blazing through empty sidewalks and burning passed streetlamps flickering on for the first time that night. 

Your breath faded into the air with each step, a resounding huff of forced exhales as your legs ached from the pace. Before you knew it, your world tilted on its axis as your brain and body fully disconnected. Tunnel vision took over your view, the only thing in sight was the faraway gleam of steel and vinyl. 

You slammed the car door behind you, fully encasing you in a carbon cage. It felt like a cage in all senses of the word. You were suffocated inside the doors of your own safety, hating how your only semblance of security was in a man-made product that could fail within a moment—that could be broken into with just the thought of doing so. 

You heard the satisfying click of the doors locking, never realizing your fingers jumped to the button the second they could. That sound meant safety, that sound meant you would be okay. 

Electrons slipped past connections and you couldn't properly process anything aside from the steering wheel in front of you and the sharp polyester strap cutting across your chest. Your next exhale was steady and long, a pitiful attempt at self-soothing. Even with the length of the breath, the shakiness behind it was so easy to hear in the silence of the cage. 

You gripped the steering wheel with both hands, twisting your grip along the rim until you could feel the bite in your palms. You brought yourself back one cell at a time. It started with the pads of your fingers tapping against the polyurethane, then your palms rubbing against the grooves and curves of the wheel, then your hands were gripping at your arms until feeling returned to them slowly. You thawed out your own body seconds at a time. 

You breathed again. 

Then the car had started and you drove away. 

You could remember the exact moment you realized this was much deeper than mere disassociation. Your eyes were filled with red lights and your ears buzzed with the sound of passing cars. It started in your chest, a small hum of warning deep in the confines of your ribcage. 

The death rattle had started inside you and only got louder the longer your hands stayed connected to the prison bars. The hum turned into a storm of pyrocumulonimbus as your foot pressed into the gas, each breath of oxygen only fueled the fire burning at the edges of your lungs. 

You fought so hard against the impending doom of it all. You just wanted to go home. You wanted to come home and beeline straight for—not safety—comfort; you wanted to remind yourself that touch wasn’t something to be scared of; you wanted to remind yourself that you were safe—that everything was going to be okay. 

But instead your breath quickened into a terrifying speed and you had no choice but to pull over into the nearest complex with well-lit parking spaces and bustling activity at its front doors. Your car clicked off and your fingers immediately reached for the lock icon at your side. 

You pressed it once to hear the simultaneous click of four doors locking in tandem. 

Leaning against the plush seat, you tried to breathe properly. Your hands gripped at the seatbelt across your chest, both hating and adoring the pressure it forced against your body. 

You pressed it twice to remind yourself the doors were locked. 

Gripping the strap, you didn’t mind the way the edges dug into your palms as you bent it in on itself. It was tight against you, just enough to keep you present. The hands of sharply woven polyester forced you to stay conscious in reality, they didn’t dare let you slip between the cracks and fall into dissociation. 

You pressed it a third time, the same click resounding in your ears. 

Suddenly you felt too suffocated. You could feel the bottom of the wheel on your knees and the lanyard of your keys against your thigh. 

The clicks reversed as you tumbled out of the car. 

Fresh air hit your entire body and the fire raging in your chest worsened tenfold. You were exposed—you were vulnerable. You slammed yourself back into the car. A blink and you were in the backseat this time. 

The carved metal of a key dug into your fingers while you clutched it like a lifeline. Your hand reached for your phone before you could process anything else. Your other clicked the lock icon once more and the entire car fell into darkness. 

⋘⋙

Damian didn’t remember falling asleep but when a human sized heater was laying across his chest, it never took long for his exhaustion to get tired of being ignored. 

He was slightly annoyed, arguably moreso, when the heater in question jerked upright. Damian’s eyes snapped open. “Watch it,” he groaned, sleep still affecting the timbre in his voice. Hands dug uncomfortably into his stomach and he pushed them away. 

“Sorry, sorry,” the kryptonian apologized from above him. “I just . . .” he trailed off. 

That got his attention. 

His eyes focused on the alert expression on his lover’s face. Jon shifted upright completely, still straddling Damian’s thighs. His eyes were distant, looking off into the window at the other side of the room. 

“What’s wrong?” Damian asked, finding himself slightly propped up onto his elbows. 

“Y/n,” Jon replied, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. The way he said your voice was just as distant as his gaze, almost like his voice was nothing but an exhale. He blinked, looking down and glaring so hard at Damian’s upper body that Damian almost took offense. 

“Their heartbeat,” he said, confusion lacing his voice as he tried to focus on the thum of your beat, “it’s . . . different.” 

“Different,” Damian echoed. He would’ve been annoyed at the vague answer if he wasn’t aware both him and Jon were currently barely awake and therefore, barely functioning (Damian more so than Jon, of course). “What do you mean different?” 

Kryptonian powers were always so finicky. He always thought so, but meeting Jon? This man was evidence in itself that powers were annoying at best. Damian watched as Jon developed each new power slowly at the most inconvenient times, mind you. And now, years after being the Man Of Steel, Jon’s powers still went berserk. 

Damian couldn’t even count on his fingers how many sensory overloads he’s guided Jon through—and he’d do it all over again if he had to. 

Jon shook his head. “It’s just different.” He shrugged. 

“You woke me up because it’s just different?” Damian deadpanned. 

Jon glared down at him. “This isn’t exactly an exact science, you know.” 

Damian sighed and slid back down until his upper back hit the mattress once more. “Is it going faster? Skipping a beat?” he prompted, trying his best to shake the grogginess from his body without letting paranoia fester in its place. 

Heartbeats always worried Damian. He ended up assuming the worst. But with a Kryptonian tracing them so often, he realized that different didn’t necessarily mean bad. You could have raised your hand in class, forgot your keys, or missed a step down the stairs and your heart lurched. That was enough to perk Jon’s ears. You could have been stressed so your heart rate was elevated. Maybe even tired which made it drag. 

Despite his own fears, Damian kept reminding himself that there's more of a chance that you were fine than not, especially when he was currently talking to a sleep deprived kryptonian who announced heartbeat changes all the time. The idea of getting away with any kind of anxiety while around that golden retriever was stupid and incredibly naive—Damian gave up after a year of Jon’s super-hearing kicking in. 

“You’re anxious.” 

“Shut up.” 

“You should probably—” 

“I said shut up.” 

Jon spoke up: “It definitely jumped and it’s been slightly faster than normal ever since.” His head tilted slightly to the side to listen better—Damian couldn't help but picture a tiny puppy doing the same and its ear flopping over. “It’s getting steadily faster. I think . . . I think they’re driving?” 

Damian’s eyes furrowed. He reached for his phone as Jon continued. “Definitely driving,” he settled on. “I can hear their car.” 

“Maybe they almost got into an accident,” Damian mumbled in thought, setting a personal reminder in his brain to berate you for speeding later. His phone clicked on and his eyes saw his blurry home screen. He blinked the image into focus. When his eyes could properly trace over the smiles on you and Jon’s faces, he looked at the time. 

It was earlier than he thought. 

Jon’s hands fiddled with the hem of Damian’s sleep shirt, the compression material stretching slightly to accommodate the movement. “Maybe,” Jon gnawed at his bottom lip. “I didn’t hear anything like that though, just normal traffic.” 

Damian hummed. “They were at the library today. I didn’t expect them to head home so soon.” His fingers opened your contact. “Did they text you that they were heading home?” 

 Jon leaned across the bed to reach for his phone on the nightstand. Damian resisted a snark at how uncomfortable the shift was with the unnecessary knee to the side. 

Jon fiddled with his phone for a moment. “Nope, nothing.” 

Damian opened his mouth to supply another sentence of rationale when two things happened simultaneously: In an instant, Jon’s phone slipped from his hands and ricocheted right off of his stomach. (“Ow!”) Then Damian’s ringtone sounded throughout the entire bedroom, bouncing off the walls and reverberating into their tired brains. 

The fear written on Jon’s face was enough for Damian to pick up on the first ring. 

“Y/n?” he asked. Jon’s fingers clutched at his shirt. 

“Hey,” you responded. There was a crackle over the line but Damian couldn’t tell if it was your voice or the shitty internet. 

“Are you okay?” Damian was blunt, cutting straight through any attempt at small talk. How could he not when Jon was currently mouthing “panic attack” at him and poking his ribcage. 

You hesitated enough for Damian to shoo Jon off of him. Both boys tumbled out of the massive bed in varying degrees of grace. 

“What are you doing right now?” 

“Doesn’t matter. You’re dodging the question,” Damian slid on a pair of pants and made his way down the stairs. “What’s wrong? And don’t say it’s nothing because I have a human sized Holter monitor that would beg to disagree.”

Jon tumbled behind, no doubt using some kind of kryptonian flare to gather all the necessary items to drive to you. 

“Can you both meet me here, I—” you cut off, if Damian strained, he could hear your rampant breathing. “I need you.” You choked, “No—No capes.” 

Damian breathed in slowly and exhaled through his mouth. The keys and wallets were already floating into his pockets as he opened the front door. 

No capes. 

It was a valid request. It was a request both Jon and Damian had come to appreciate overtime. No need for heroics, no need for perfection, no need for theatrics—you just needed your partners, as they were. 

That was a level of normalcy that was so rare in this lifestyle. As much as it would be miles quicker with Jon’s flight or even his grapple gun, he respected the thought process behind the decision. You just wanted your boys, that was all. 

Car doors slammed shut and Damian was already behind the wheel making his way to you. “We’re on our way.” He felt a poke to his bicep. Jon motioned towards the phone, opening and closing his hand in request. “I’m going to pass the phone to Jon. He’s going to stay on the line until we reach you, okay?” 

Damian barely waited for your small “ok” before handing the phone off. He didn’t bother to fill Jon in on the conversation, it was obvious he was already listening intently. 

“Hey, sunshine.” Jon pointed directions out and Damian followed. No need for maps when you have a super-hearing alien who knows exactly where you are just by the sounds of traffic and the volume of your heartbeat. “We’re coming as fast as we can. Just give us ten minutes and we’ll be there with you.” 

Damian focused on driving, the one thing he could do at this moment. He was tactical, he was useful. Jon was the comforting one; Jon was the one who could navigate emotionally tense situations with ease. So he gripped the steering wheel tighter and made sure he got to you safely. 

Strengths. All three of you had them just as you all had weaknesses. But the beauty of your triad came from how perfectly your strengths filled each others’ weaknesses. You lifted each other up, and when you couldn’t, it was easy to lean on one another. 

So Jon handled the comfort, Damian handled the logistics. 

Words of affirmations flew out of Jon’s mouth in a way that Damian used to envy. Now, he found it endearing. He has his own strengths and that’s okay. 

“Just ten minutes, baby. Ten minutes and everything will be okay, I promise.” 

Red lights glared down at Damian. 

“Breath with me. In and out, just like that. Keep doing that.” 

Stop signs seemed taller than usual, more demeaning. 

“You’re gonna be alright. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now but you’ll be okay soon, you just gotta hang in there for us.” 

Brakes screeched against the pavement. 

“I'm so proud of you, you’re so brave right now. No, don’t be like that. You’re so strong, you’ll get through this, I swear.” 

His fingers tapped against the gear shift impatiently. 

“Are the doors locked? Yea? That’s good. You did good—so good.” 

He heard you sob into the receiver and his heart twisted painfully. 

“You’re safe. No one can get to you right now without your consent. Just keep telling yourself that: no one can get in, no one can reach you, you’re safe.” 

His foot finally hit the gas. 

“You’re alright, sweetheart. You're okay. You did everything right—yes you did. Yes, Y/n. You got to safety, you pulled over, you locked the doors, and you called us. You did everything right.” 

He made a right and then a left. 

“Five more minutes, bub. Just five more minutes. Keep breathing. Just a few more minutes and we’ll be right there with you.” 

He was trapped behind a slow Jeep—he switched lanes. 

“Yea? Grab the jacket and hold it tight. I’d rather you hold that. Just a few more minutes and that jacket will be replaced with us, alright?” 

Yellow lights always annoyed him the most. 

“We’re coming, I promise. We’re coming.” 

He swerved into the complex, not caring if he cut someone off in the process. 

“We’re pulling in right beside you. That car is us so don’t be scared. It’s just us, baby.” 

Damian clicked off the car and tumbled out with Jon quick to follow suit. He always forgot how much Jon used pet names as he rambled through words of reassurance. He was sure it was some kind of nervous tick Jon had, a way for him to soothe both himself and the other person. It could also just be a habit of his mouth speaking far faster than his brain, but the nicknames flowed out of him so fast either way.

“You gotta let us in, love. We can’t help from out here.” Jon’s hand gently rested on the glass window to the backseat. Damian motioned towards the building in front of the car, Jon nodded in response, already knowing his thought process far before Damian’s feet started moving backwards. 

Focus on his strengths. Focus on what he can do. Focus on that. 

The car doors unlocked and the boys split up. 

⋘⋙

You were huddled in the backseat for what felt like hours and milliseconds all at once. Every time your breaths evened, your brain fizzled out with it until you couldn’t feel anything aside from the car key scraping against your palm and the plastic door digging into your spine. 

Legs pulled into your chest, phone to your ear, and arms wrapped around a hoodie long since stolen for your backseat, you waited. You tried to bury your nose in the scent of pine and peppermint, a tanglement of your home—your boys—but it never fully sunk into your comprehension. 

Your empty hand grasped at the plush cotton in a sour attempt at bringing yourself back up. Unfortunately, the second you were brought back to awareness, your breathing spiked. Every distant voice, every shifting shadow, even the cars passing by in the nearby road—it all screamed danger into your head until you struggled to breathe. 

Even in this locked prison, you still felt too exposed. You were miles from home and miles from safety, how could you not? 

The doors are locked. 

You’re safe. 

No one can come in without your permission. 

They’re coming. 

When a car pulled beside yours, a familiar tint of windows and gleam of dark steel, you fought all of your instincts to run, to hide, to scream. 

The doors are locked. 

You’re safe. 

No one can come in without your permission. 

They’re here. 

It took every ounce of your willpower to allow your finger to press the open lock icon after pressing the locked one over and over again for what felt like an eternity.  

“Y/n,” Jon sighed out in relief. The call ended and what once was a distant voice was now a full fledged being.

“Please close the door,” you sobbed out, feeling nothing but claws of terror scratch up your chest the longer the door stayed open. Jon instantly complied, shutting the door as gently as he could without slamming it. 

The doors instantly locked again. 

“Can I touch you?” he started with. He didn’t bother asking if you were okay or asking what you needed, it would be pointless. You weren’t okay and asking what you needed when you were so clearly in peril would just put unnecessary weight onto your shoulders when he should be taking it off. 

Your hands fisted into the fabric, fingers swimming amongst the mountain of cotton. “I-I,” you choked on an inhale, “I don’t know.” 

And how could you? Sometimes touch was a blessing, a craving nothing else could satiate. Sometimes touch was the only way to bring you back all the way: it was grounded as was it weighted, it was nice. 

But sometimes touch was terrifying, a pressure of what if tangled in previous experiences. Sometimes touch was the only thing that terrified you the most: after such a night, how could you possibly feel safe with an ounce of contact? 

“Okay,” Jon said quickly, not wanting to make you feel worse about your own indecision. “What if we try? I’ll pull away the second you tell me to, pinky swear.” 

He even raised his pinky to solidify the statement. If you weren’t miles deep into a panic attack and hundreds of tears worn, you probably would have laughed. Instead, you nodded, a jerky movement that shifted the fabric around your face. 

“I’m gonna place my hand on top of your knee, real slow. You tell me if you don’t want it there anymore.” He looked into your eyes with his vibrant blue bells. His face was so sure, so confident, but the edges of his face were hardened with worry. He really couldn’t hide his emotions around you.

You nodded once more. You saw your own quickened breaths more than you felt them, the shadows off to your right reflecting the rise and fall of your chest. 

Jon’s hand was raised slightly above your knee and he hesitated just enough for you to track his movements. Then it was nothing but a light touch of fingertips, then fingers, then a palm, and then an entire hand. 

Despite his slow, deliberate movements, you still flinched. It was a whole-body jerk that started with pulling your legs closer to you and ended with your shoulders hitching upwards. Jon bit the inside of his cheek at the reaction, ignoring the way it dug into his heart a little too deep for his own sanity.

He kept his hand there even when your body’s instinctual reaction screamed for him to pull back. Jon waited for your words, but more importantly, he waited for you to settle into the touch or comprehend that you didn’t want it anymore—whichever ended up happening. 

Luckily, it was the former. Your shoulders pressed back into the door behind you and your head leaned against the car seat. Your feet unhooked at the ankles and relaxed. 

“Do you want more touch or is this enough for now?” 

You felt the heat radiate from his palm, it fought against the storm of fire boiling in every fiber of your being. It also fought against the sheet of ice that threatened to separate you from the rest of the world. It was enough. 

“ ‘s good for now,” you breathed in shakily. Trying to match the rise and fall of the chest in front of you. 

Jon looked off to the side and squinted into the darkness. “Damian’s on his way back.” His thumb absent-mindedly rubbed against your knee slowly and in a small movement. It was so small you barely would’ve realized it if your knee wasn’t at eye level. “You’ll have to let him in soon.” 

Your eyes flickered over to just beyond your car and into the entrance to the building—the cafe—where Damian had started walking out of. You had a moment or two to emotionally prepare yourself to unlock those doors. 

You struggled on your next breath and Jon heard it. He returned his gaze to you. “Breathe, baby. It’s just Dami. You can lock the doors immediately afterwards.” 

You squeezed your eyes shut and nodded, hating the way your breathing sped up slightly as you clicked the open lock. Gears shifted and the reversal of the click was impossibly loud against your muddled brain. 

The door in front of you swung open and Jon pulled Damian inside before closing the door as soon as possible. You found your thumb pressing the lock button the second you heard the car door close. You never once felt the hand on your knee leave and you silently thanked Jon’s perceptiveness. 

Opening your eyes, you were met with Damian’s emerald eyes looking at you with as much concern as those eyes could ever truly show. Jon had somehow found his way squished in between the seats and middle console, half debating if he should just sit on the floor or on the console. Damian sat across from you with his hands full of drinks and food. 

He offered you the blend of sugar and ice to which you took without much hesitation. Your head was pounding. You could hear your heartbeat in your ear and you could feel it in your temples. It was unbearably hot with pain. 

“I got your usual,” Damian said, “just the way you like it.” 

You sniffled, already feeling the fire inside swirl into dissipation. “No inclusions?” you asked in a small voice. 

“No inclusions,” he reassured you. 

“The base?” 

“Lemonade, not water.” 

You opened your mouth to ask another question but Damian was quick to read your mind. He lifted up a straw still wrapped in its plastic casing. “Yes, I got you a straw.” 

For the first time that night, you smiled. It was small, twitchy, and faded just as quick as it came, but it was still better than the choked off sobs from earlier over the phone. 

Damian opened the top of the straw for you and you held out your drink for him to place it inside. Your hands were so shaky it was difficult to even hold the large drink (because of course he got you the biggest size), let alone have enough dexterity to open a straw. 

“I also bought cake pops,” he lifted up the three brown bags of parchment that held your sugary treat. He knew you so well you swore he was a mind reader. Your hands were shaking from panic but also from how low your energy levels were from using every ounce of it to breathe. 

Damian lifted the first bag after peering inside. “Birthday cake.”

You snatched the bag. 

“Chocolate.” 

Jon did the same for his. 

“And mine.” Damian set his bag in his lap and handed Jon his drink full of sugar. 

Jon propped open the cup holders attached to the center console and set his drink inside, Damian was quick to set his water beside it. 

You clutched your drink with both hands, enjoying the feeling of the cold condensation against your aching fingers. “Thank you.”

Damian hummed in response. It didn’t take long for his hand to find its way onto your other knee and this time, you didn’t end up flinching. You swore the presence of your two lovers was more than enough to calm any attack that found its way up to you. Tonight was proof of that. 

“Your breathing is still too fast for my liking,” Damian spoke up. “Do you want to go through some breathing exercises?” 

Both of the boys looked at you expectantly. You shrunk back slightly at the pressure before you shook your head. “Can . . .” you breathed in to reassure yourself—your request was okay, you’re voicing your needs, you’re valid—“Can you guys just distract me?” 

They shared a look between each other and Jon ended up speaking up first: “Go ahead, Dami. Distract them.” 

“Why do I have to?” Damian demanded, “You’re obviously better at running your mouth than I am.”

“Because I said so?” 

“Because you said so,” Damian mocked, “Really? Do you honestly believe that holds any true merit in this household?” 

Jon scoffed. “It does when you say it so why doesn’t it when I say it?”

“Because I’m better than you, obviously.” 

“Am not.” 

“Am too.” 

“Boys,” you giggled through the word. Your grip on your drink was loose and your legs uncurled slowly until they pressed into Damian’s shin. “While this is adorable, I just want to listen to you two talk, not bicker.” 

One of them huffed from their nose and you genuinely couldn’t tell who—you’re half convinced they both did. 

“Fine.” Damian’s free hand fell around the top of your shoe, his pinky brushing against your ankle. “Go ahead, genius. Tell our beloved what you did to the kitchen while making dinner tonight.” 

Jon’s eyes widened slowly. “We agreed not to tell them,” he whisper-shouted. 

Damian shrugged. 

You turned to Jon with a fire behind your eyes. 

“What did you do to my freshly cleaned kitchen?”

Taglist ♡

@anothertimdrakestan

@cherry-dropp

@missredrobin

[enehana]

Leo Valdez with the cabins

Cabin 1: Zeus. Jason and Thalia Grace. Leo thinks Thalia is hot and Jason is Jason. He loves them. Gets along very well. He would also be in love with any other potential children of Zeus.

Cabin 2: Hera. He probably tried to blow up the cabin. Dumb prophecy.

Cabin 3: Poseidon. Things aren't the best between Leo and Percy all of the time. They have a lot of rough patches. But they do enjoy being friends and working together. Just pray that Poseidon doesn't have any kids Leo could take an interest in. Then he'd be dead.

Cabin 4: Demeter. Not great. Fire and plants. They want him to stay away from their gardens. Leo tries to build sprinklers and fountains and entire greenhouses to get them to be more open to him. They appreciate it, but they won't let him in no matter what. They like him outside of their gardens and calm.

Cabin 5: Ares. Leo is the kind of kid that the Ares cabin would bully. But as soon as they find out he's the first son of Hephaestus with fire powers since 1666, they do not mess with him. They're typically nice to him, and he definitely is confused. They stop other kids from picking on him. Like, his bodyguards. They are not risking getting lit on fire. He tries to make friends with them. They give in eventually.

Cabin 6: Athena. They actually get along pretty well most of the time. Athena kids are the gifted kids of the demigod world. And Leo is a genius. He's been doing college level math since he was like 8. He and the Athena kids will get together to work on engineering projects. Every other time, they think he's very distracting. But they're some of the very few people who recognize his intellect. They make him feel understood to an extent in a way not many other people do.

Cabin 7: Apollo. (I don't remember what happened with him in TOA.) The medics in the Apollo cabin are not big fans of him. He blows stuff up a lot. He put people in dangerous situations. People get sent to the infirmary because of stuff he did all the time. Will Solace definitely has told him off once. The other Apollo kids love laughing at his antics. Leo does a little bow to them afterwards and walks off, laughing. He loves the Apollo kids.

Cabin 8: Artemis. The hunters of Artemis scare him. Thalia Grace. He'd totally want them to like him though.

Cabin 9: Hephaestus. Leo gets along really well with all of his siblings. They all work together in bunker 9 building whatever they find the most entertaining. Of course, sometimes they have to remind him that they actually have a job to do. They all have to watch out for each other, and they do.

Cabin 10: Aphrodite. Piper is absolutely his bestest friend. Sleepovers? Yes. Annoying the shit out of the rest of the Aphrodite kids? Of course. What else do you expect? The rest of the cabin does find him endearing, but they wouldn't ever do anything with him. Just friends. Oh and the makeovers. Leo wears makeup every single day purely because he lets the younger Aphrodite campers practice on him and he doesn't want to insult them by taking it off. And he feels fabulous in it. He is.

Cabin 11: Hermes. Oh boy, does Leo love the Hermes cabin! Travis and Connor Stoll playing pranks on Leo. Leo playing pranks on Travis and Connor Stoll. He messes with them so much. And they all enjoy it. Very much fun. 10/10. Leo's besties.

Cabin 12: Dionysus. They also get along great with Leo. The Dionysus kids invite him to their parties and he IS the party. Table dancing, party tricks with his fire powers, and just being reckless in general. There's no alcohol, but with Leo Valdez in attendance, there might as well be. His fun, carefree energy rubs off on people. And the parties help him forget about his problems. He doesn't have to think about his mom's death for a couple hours. He always thanks the Dionysus kids after a party. They don't really understand why he's thanking them when he was the best thing at the party, but they go along with it.

Cabin 13: Hades. Hazel obviously likes him cause of Sammy Valdez and all that. Nico wouldn't have a problem with him if he knew him better or spent any time with him at all. Any other Hades kids may or may not. They would totally think his fire powers are badass, though.

Cabin 14: Iris. I don't think they'd appreciate his jokes very much. He would love to build them a massive projector to put rainbows on everything. They don't really talk to him though. They think he comes off too strong. Despite being some of the nicest demigods at camp, they don't realize what's behind his goofy demeanor.

Cabin 15: Hypnos. The Hypnos kids might know more about him than any other cabin. Leo definitely had trouble sleeping at night after being on the streets his entire childhood. Like every other demigod, the Hypnos cabin is happy help. They'll take Leo in and let him talk about his problems until he falls asleep and then they chase away his nightmares. He accidentally woke up in the arms of one of the Hypnos girls and got kicked out for a while. But they always welcome him back in.

Cabin 16: Nemesis. Honestly, he's probably kinda scared of the Nemesis kids. He played a prank on one or two of them and definitely regretted it. But then they came around to him. Like Jason, they recognized that Leo did a lot of good despite so many bad things happening to him. So they looked up to him too. They refused to let any other campers pick on him. They checked in on him a lot, knowing that he was probably struggling with something. But they were too scared to pry, so they never really got to know that side of him. He didn't understand why they treated him that way, but he liked it. And he liked them.

Cabin 17: Nike. He wasn't very happy with their mother. But he tried to get along with them at first. He played a few jokes on them. But then they came back with so much harder, trying to turn it into a competition. He absolutely regretted messing with them. It was to the point that he started avoiding them out of fear that they would do it again.

Cabin 18: Hebe. The Hebe kids figured that because he's a hero, he should be looked up to. And he definitely flirted with them a lot. And they did like him, but it was more of a platonic thing. They liked his carefree demeanor, but he wasn't the kind of hero they were looking for in the long run. They were chill with each other though.

Cabin 19: Tyche. Leo prayed to Tyche kids after being convinced that he was cursed with his fire powers. He thought that his mom's death was his fault and he was terrified of being the reason anyone else died. He was hoping the Tyche kids could give him enough luck to not kill anyone. The Tyche kids can't exactly receive prayers becuase they're not gods, though. And Leo never killed anyone. So he assumed it worked, and the Tyche kids had no idea that anything was happening. He would thank them everytime he ran into one and they would give him a confused look, but they never questioned it. So Leo and the Tyche cabin were on good terms.

Cabin 20: Hecate. The Hecate cabin gets along great with him. They like to enchant his inventions, making them much more powerful. They encourage him to file for patents and be an actual inventor. He always blushes and brushes it off, claiming he's going to be an engineer and he doesn't need to make all this fancy new stuff, but he's just trying to hide the fact that he's very flustered and prideful. He tries to flirt with them, but he kinda breaks when they flirt back. At one point he was convinced he was going to marry a child of Hecate. But the Hecate kids tend to push him to work until he breaks down, physically unable to work anymore. Yet he's very grateful for them.

[mono-dot-jpeg]

[12:32am]

a/n; just a cute platonic fic before i wonder for another hour if i decide to write something else or not. im reading through the u20 v bllk arc (i think im like halfway through) im like, i could write some good shit with this rq. someone probably wrote something like already potentially but it's rotting my brain rn so. this is totally ooc for rin probably im so sorry

also small bachira mom cameo slay

[platonic] [younger sibling! reader]

your brothers.. are cool.

rin and sae, your big older brothers who loved playing soccer. you watched them play everyday and they always looked like superheroes in your young eyes.

you grow up alongside them, just a year or two younger as you try to find what you want to do. do you want to win with them? do you want to live a peaceful life?

what do you want to do?

you don't know. you're lost without the guidance you wanted. you've been watching your brothers all this time that you lost track of yourself.

you come to realize that what rin talks about.. rings true for you as well.

that sae is just so far away from you both. but you feel far from rin too.

when did that happen?

you can only watch as your brothers fight in a colosseum called soccer where everyone in the audience is thirsty for a fight. where the new recruits meet the pro gladiators and then the pros crush them under their experienced swords and chains.

but this was different. you could feel it in the intense air. you were not even close in terms of seating to see your brothers. even with the seat you were offered from a really nice lady, you could barely see them. but you know that chilling air anywhere.

it felt like you were back in that school field with your brothers again. when he came back home from spain.

everything cracked.

"get lost rin. you're not necessary in my life anymore."

you watched as your brothers broke everything you believed in. how you three would stay together, how you would be there to cheer them on every match you could, how you would happy with them by your side.

your parents weren't even here to see the destruction they caused. the absolute pain they unintentionally inflicted on the three itoshi siblings. you came here on a whim, you wish you could say.

if you were really being honest, you really missed them. sae was always busy, and rin was in blue lock the whole time. so that left you alone.

"are you here with your family, dear? where are they?" that nice woman from before sits beside you, worried that you're all alone in this stadium.

"n-no. i'm alone." you're flustered by the sudden attention from her. "i'm here to.." you paused for a moment, "..to support my brothers."

"oh! that's so sweet! i'm supporting my own son! your brothers must be really good as well."

when was the last time you felt warm like this?

from just a simple talk with a lovely mother has you boiling with pain and longing.

why couldn't you feel this warmth with your family?

"yeah." you nodded curtly.

when the timer ticks down, you watch with dull eyes as rin and sae fight on the field again. you almost thought they would get cards for how aggressive this was. and before you know it.

blue lock wins.

and you don't know how to feel.

you saw the monster that rin was, tearing every person apart against their strongest assets. and you saw the monster that sae was, constantly calculating his way to win optimally.

today was the day that rin finally beat him.

and today was the day soccer changed japan.

the two week rest was now given to the blue lock members, and you haven't seen much of rin. that still hurt.

but you did catch him one day.

"rin.." you encounter him on a late night, hearing a set of heavy footsteps before you went to bed. "rin." you don't address him as your brother anymore. you wonder when you started making that habit.

"what?"

"you did well." you don't know what to say when you finally manage to have a chance at a proper talk with at least one of your brothers. he scoffs at your weak voice but you continue, "i saw everything. i attended the match."

"then you should know that i didn't do enough."

"i don't think like you and sae, i don't know as much as you two do-"

"i'm still far away from him now." you stay silent as he trembles with frustration and anger. "i'm gonna beat him and that stupid isagi.. "

your mouth is dry with confusion. you can't find it in you to talk to him like you once did as a kid. but you manage, "does this mean i'm gonna be alone again?"

it's his turn to go silent. his back faces you while he stares at his bedroom door.

"how long am i gonna be alone again?" you ask.

"until i beat our good for nothing shitty brother and that idiot isagi."

".. okay." you reach to open your bedroom door, "when you see sae again, tell him i said hi. i miss seeing you and sae." you confess.

"i don't understand how you miss him."

"the same way i miss you." you open your door, looking out at your bland bedroom. not a single trophy seen, not a single sign of any sports prowess, nothing that defined you. "you're both too far away from me. and i can't catch up." you sigh. "i'm just the talentless third kid after all."

"with that attitude, you deserve it." he opens his bedroom door and it's the complete opposite of yours. littered with awards and trophies and a single photo frame of the last time you've seen rin and sae happy.

"i know."

[samstclair]

Joel Miller's Survivor

Joel Miller X Reader

Anonymous Request

"Hey Sam! Hope you're still alive. You've been like ghost, and I'm getting worried about my request not being fulfilled, AND your health, of course or whatever! Yeah so can you get to it already? Joel X reader, simple. Can you make Y/N be like traveling with them or some shit? I don't know. But do your thing when you've crawled out of your hole!"

Word Count: long bro

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you lied in your bed, rotting (you have not gotten up in the three hours you've been awake [so now it's almost 12 in the afternoon]), feeling like absolute dog shit for:

1. your empty tummy, 

2. not having showered in a week despite you paying your water bills, 

3. your internet running at the speed of a geriatric snail so no more fan-cam edits, ALSO despite paying your internet bills, 

3. just feeling like an overall ball of grease and oil that could, if necessary, fill a car's gas tank, 

4. not having gotten up in those three hours, 

and 5., perhaps most importantly, the world ending :(

you gazed out your window into the morning (afternoon, actually), light that peered through. It was scenic really, little puffs of dust, some asbestos tinkled in, gliding softly in the air. It hit you - this is not fun or fresh. This sucks dick, actually. 

You rose, stretching, a big big biiiiigggggg stretch, cracking every conceivable bone in your body, trying to avoid looking in the mirror that could potentially reveal your physically-troubled state. You didn't even have to look to know the condition your hair was in - actually let's not talk about the hair. You'll spiral. If we can't see it, it's not real :D

"Fleabag said it best. Hair IS everything," you thought to yourself, thinking about avoiding the mirror. "Oh my god I could SOOOOO binge Fleabag right now -"

But you knew that wasn't an available way to veg out. As mentioned before, your power, water, and internet were out. You supposed it came with the world ending and all. 

"Grrrjsdjaksdfnbdsjdskjjfs," your tummy said. You cradled it like a mother holding her child. 

"Mama needs to eat soon...", you thought wearily.

You rose and peered out the window - and it was the same old shit. Those cracked-out girlies were still on the prowl, being the biggest cockblocks you've ever encountered in your life for some good food. 

"But girl, we gotta eat! We have to soon," your brain said. "You can't keep this shit up! REAL calories and shit actually do matter!"

"But bitch how? Those fat asses on the street are gonna try to toss up with you again!" the other side of your brain said. 

"So what? You're gonna keep living off three-month old Halloween candy?? Those Twix's are tasting more like the processed chocolate that they are every DAY! Stop playing around and gaslighting yourself into thinking they're good, girl!" the other side argued back. "THINK about it. You bought those to sneak in to watching Dune in theaters. And not even the second Dune, the first. They're literally vintage." 

"What's stomach gotta say?" the other side shot back, quite angrily. 

"Grhjdkajdjsjdfoifdiosiojf," your stomach replied. You knew what that meant a little all too well - your stomach couldn't take it anymore. She wasn't even sentient enough to respond.

"FUCK!" you bursted aloud! So loud that the cracked-out girlies out on the street got startled and did a little jump! 

You absolutely HATED being hungry. If this experience had taught you anything, it's the appreciation of a good ass fucking meal. You were, after all, a self-proclaimed 'fat ass bitch'. So how were you gonna live up to that now? 

You began to reminisce about your favorite dishes, even though you knew it wasn't gonna be a good idea for your mental health. 

Bandeja paisa...

Pickles...

McDonald's cheeseburger with Big Mac sauce...plz McDonald's worker, don't forget the sauce........

Publix sub...

Mango chunks with tajin...

Provolone cheese and salami...

Korean corndogs...

A fat ass burrito...

Little Caesars breadsticks...

Auntie Anne's organic cinnamon rolls...

Vodka pasta...

Coconut chickpea curry...

...a bowl of assorted fruit but none of that honeydew cantaloupe bullshit...

"FUCK!" you yelled again. They also jumped! again. "How the FUCK did I go from drinking tiki cocktails on the beach to the WALKING FUCKING DEAD?!?!?!?!??!!!!! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING RICK HERE PROVIDING FOR ME!!!"

You slammed yourself back on the bed, ready to cry - both from the acceptance that this was your new reality and slamming yourself a little too hard that you felt a spring bust up into your thoracic spine. You hated yourself for talking shit about that cantaloupe and honeydew. Yeah they're ass and should NOT have a place in a fruit bowl but that was real fucking food. Real SUSTENANCE!!! And what did you do? You fed it to the fucking seagulls on the beach and used it to pelt those fuck ass middle schoolers who wouldn't stop quoting Adin Ross, when you could have enjoyed it yourself. Had it been now, you would've Iron Clawed those birds and children for those two dookie ass fruits just for a taste of something REAL. Not moldy chocolate from a Costco bag that you snuck into Lynch's Dune. (Yeah girl, I'm not talking the Timothee one. I'm taking the Kyle MacLachlan one. I said they were vintage!)

How did we get here?

Well, we'll revisit this question later, cause right now you have come to one FINAL decision - food. You. Need. Food. 

"Fuck it bro," you told yourself, tears welling in your eyes as you climbed out of your bed and made your way downstairs to the exit. "If there's no fine-ass cowboy police officer with a big ass nose to do it for me, I guess mama gotta do it herself." 

You slipped on your old-reliable Crocs (the Lightening McQueen editions so you could go fast), then opened your back sliding glass door as to avoid the crackhead girlies on the street out front, the sun nearly blinding you solar-eclipse style. You felt like a hostage released from a hole after months of being, well, held hostage. 

"Is this what Saddam felt like?," you thought.

A wave of complete euphoria went over you as you heard the birds chirp, the wind fly by, the smell of green grass with a little hint of deteriorating carcasses - it felt GOOD to be outside. Though you have had some bouts of homebody phases, you were never not missing the great outdoors. Besides the mosquitoes and the balls-hot sun, and the occasional dead bodies. But, you reminded yourself, we have to make the BEST of these types of situations. 

You closed the glass door, quietly, cause those electric-chair looking victims had the most insane hearing, (making, admittedly, quite jealous since you're sure you lost a percentage of your own hearing prematurely after the introduction of AirPods.)

You then walked across your now overgrown garden, which under any other circumstances, could have passed off as a big whimsical fairy garden with the grass now being several feet tall, little ladybugs and shit nestled between. But now, shit made you feel like you were in a jungle back in 'Nam, circa 1970, pushing the foliage out of your face as you got across, bracing yourself for running into a spider web or a gnat smacking you in the face. 

Once you saw the backyard gate, you opened it quietly and peered out onto the street - it was quiet, ODDLY quiet, with not one of those cockblockers in sight. You knew better, however, looks can be deceiving. We all thought those Polly Pocket outfits looked pretty good, but the gastrologist telling your parents that their elementary-school child has a rubber dress lodged in one of their intestines actually isn't pretty good. 

You crept out, tiptoeing like a cartoon character or Drake sneaking past Travis Scott to whisper his verses on MELTDOWN, making sure to stay EXTRA vigilant of your surroundings. You needed to master the art of NOT disassociating, which basically meant undoing all your previous masterings of the craft. It was extremely difficult, but it was needed - slipping up LITERALLY means death here. On some for realizies shit. On some getting eaten out by and not in the good way shit. (That was disgusting I apologize - Sam)

As you crept down the street, passing down the backdrop to your average end-of-the-world surroundings with moldy houses and charred cars, you tried to remember the way to the Target. You were shit at directions and there was no Apple Maps to help you now. You just had to rely on your primal instincts of location - which, suffice to say, were usually not that good. But, when food's involved, you could track like a Neanderthal holding a spear hunting a fat ass mammoth with a posse of your fellow Neanderthal girls, you know, like, primal. 

You turned the corner, sure of where you were going and worried about your luck thus far. No zombie in sight oh shit never mind there's one across the other side of the street. 

It kept twitching in its tweaked state, continuously running into a fence since it was blind with that ugly ass toe fungus all up in its face. 

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit," you told yourself. Asshole clenching, toes squeezing downward, you calmed yourself down. It was the blind one so girl you're good! Just creep by quietly, ain't nothing to it! 

You took in a deep breath - tap in tap in tap in girl! Just walk on past! 

"Okay, okay," you told yourself. "Girl CHILL! Let's go okay, one, two, three - oh fuck I'm fucking shitting myself -" 

But then, it hit you - you literally had no reason to be scared. You literally lived in New York. You took those subways, you knew how to handle characters like that. 

Like a light switch normally does, you switched. You felt all that fear drain out of you, like the shit you took earlier - quick and easy (it was diarrhea, so, not really a good analogy metaphorically). You walked on down, even giving a friendly wave at the fungus girl. They're people too! You remembered to tell yourself, you CANNOT judge someone by their appearance! They're just going through it, I mean, after all, we've all been in that depressive episode/state before. Why hate when you can relate? Exactly!  In all honesty, your hair right now probably isn't making you look well-adjusted. We all have our bad days <3 Just don't look at them too long and you're good! 

As you passed by, it occurred to you - you have not been out in a MINUTE. All that hubbub and for what? You just had to wave and walk past. This brought a refreshing smile to your face, happy that you were grounded back to your reality. 

"Pharrell was right. Look at the birds," you told yourself as you strolled along by, "look at the bees."

Though there were no birds or bees in sight, and the possible thought crossing your mind that you hallucinated the birds' chirps earlier, you thought it best to live in this pretend state. It helps being fake happy sometimes, after all! More and more that carbon dioxide leak in your house was sounding less like a theory and more like a fact!

You continued on, now remembering the area - Target was only a block or two away. Just in and out and oh shit there's another depressed tweaker right in front a couple feet away from you. 

This time, it wasn't one of those fungus girls. It was the one who could see AND hear. Talk about double fucking whammy. And she clocked your ass, head swinging inhumanely fast to look you straight in the face. 

"DAMN BITCH! YOU UGLY AS FUCK?!" you thought to yourself, unfortunately your instant, innate reaction.

"Hey, girl!" you said, friendly, trying to maintain your mindset from earlier. You waved and walked past, she seemed so taken aback from your friendliness that you left her stunted. She just stayed behind and watched. And on you walked on blissfully. 

But you weren't walking for long when you heard the pitter patter of those steps RACING behind you. You whipped around. Again, you were shit at directions and feet and all, but you were PRETTY sure that you'd walked several feet farther away, so why was the ugly fungus-but-no-fungus girl HELLA close to you right now?

"What?" 

The girl stopped, now confronted. 

You waited for a response. 

Apparently, so did she.

Y'all just stood there, silent.

......

................

...............................

..........................................

"Girl, I said what?"

Nothing. 

You shrugged, rolling your eyes and turned back. But again, that pitter fucking patter. 

You whipped around, quicker. She stopped her running, caught again. 

"Bitch, chill. I know your ass is not chasing at me," you warned. 

Nothing. Again.

You turned back around, walking a little faster. "Flaka drug ass bitch," you said under your breath. 

Pitter. 

Patter.

You whipped around again so fast you gave yourself whiplash and vertigo at the same time. 

 She stopped. 

"Bitch," you said, annoyed. 

"Ahfsjjdshhuweuifw," she mumbled. 

"I'm sorry?" you asked, genuinely confused at her mumbling. 

She had a dumbfounded face, despite not having the greatest ability to make expressions (half her face looked like those Barbie dolls Shane Dawson used to incinerate back on old YouTube). You inspected her closer. She definitely needed some Accutane treatment, cause apparently everyone ALL gave up skincare this year. 

"Sadjksfjdksjc," she snarled again, "sdfhjdsf, sdfhuwjsjioisd?" 

"Girl, I don't know," you replied, sassy. "I don't know what the fuck you're saying, to be honest."

"Sjdklasjfoijdjdisjfids," she mumbled.  

"Girl, speak the fuck up!"

The zombie huffed. "SJDJDFSAFIDSD!!!!" She put her hands on her waist, annoyed too.

You felt bad. You genuinely had no idea what she was saying, and it didn't sound like it ended in anything you could just reply with a quick and safe, 'yeah' or 'thank you' to. You couldn't even fake laugh. Awkward. Awco fucking taco. 

You two just stood there, face to face. A little standoff, perhaps? 

This encounter reminded you of the first time you encountered one of these girlies. It was on your walk home after you left your White Lotus resort from your month long stay....

"Ghrskjdsksfs," the girlie said from behind. It made you jump.

"OH MY GOD!" you yelled, both out of fear of her popping out of nowhere and of course, her appearance. "Girl, I don't wanna be rude, but you look BUSTED as fuck!"

She didn't respond. You soon found out she took offense to that.

She began to follow and chase you all the way home and up to your doorstep. High key on some harassment shit. You had to barricade yourself in, cause girl was trying to hug you or something and you love being nice to strangers but didn't wanna contract bed bugs, so you pushed the bitch down the porch in time for you to lock that door. She fucked up your Ring camera too from banging on the door, so shit was personal. 

You did NOT want to get physical with this girl now, but if push comes to shove, LITERALLY, then it'll have to do. 

And that was your mindset from then on. Anyway, back to the Western standoff:

"Okay, girl, look just back the fuck up, okay?" you warned. "I'm being like - soooo serious right now." 

You turned back around and continued down, a little hurriedly and checking behind yourself a little more often, but that girl got the memo. For a few more blocks, she was out of sight. 

You hated being rude, but, that's what being a girl entails sometimes.

"Horror nights came a little early this year," you told yourself, shaking your head, "some people don't have any self-awareness at all. So sad." 

Finally making it, you saw the big ass red target signaling it was a Target up above, with some extra cute greenery and mold growing inside of it. You liked the whole post-apocalyptic aesthetic, actually, but we keep that to ourselves. Other people's disadvantages are not cute to make an aesthetic out of, after all.

Inside, shit was ran SACKED. Others had gotten there before, the shelves wiped clean (figuratively, cause the shelves were filthy). It gave you STRONG COVID flashbacks. But, you were not here for toilet paper, you were here for FOOD, remember? 

You went to the back, avoiding broken pieces of glass and other unidentifiable and possibly tetanus-infested objects, looking for the produce and dairy section. It smelled of dampness and poop. Not great. 

"While I'm here, I wonder if they have some tampons, maybe? Actually, maybe they have some ZYN?" you wondered. After all, no one was readily available to supply you with an Elf Bar, your original being LONG dead. A girl still needed to tell her nicotine craving to chill out. You weighed your options: 

Having reciting gums > not having ZYN

Hmm.

Yeah.

Options seemed to talk for themselves. 

Anyway, you kept searching for any remnants of a SEALED package of food, but, unfortunately, there was none. If there were, it was moldy to the house boots down and def not edible to most people. You rummaged through and through, over and over - nothing. 

You took a deep, shaky breath in, feeling those panicky tears coming in, your hunger more unbearable. 

"Dude it's that, it's that I'm about to lose my fucking mind, bro," you mumbled manically to yourself as you continued to rummage like a raccoon. This made you sympathize with them, those girls live hard lives. If you were RJ, you would've stolen that bear's food too.

You picked through the remaining bags, inspecting the see-through plastic while holding it like it was an object from Chernobyl - at the very tip with the most minimal amount of skin to package contact possible. You held them up to the light and god forgive you, gave them a little sniff. When you made that mistake once, you assured maybe it was best not to do it again, the mildew-rotting scent so horridly offensive to your nasal passage that it nearly catapulted you into the ether. 

You sat down, ready to welcome that panic attack breakdown, but soon shot yourself up after smacking your ass right into a cold septic puddle of rainwater (or so you hoped) dripping from the rotted ceiling. In just in your "I <3 ORLANDO" Spongebob-themed PJ shorts, you were never more sure that you just contracted yourself a yeast infection. And by the way you also caught a glimpse of your hair in the reflection of the puddle. 

And this was it. 

You broke. 

Your hair looked like Beetlejuice. 

You looked like Beetlejuice.

YOU LOOKED LIKE BEETLEJUICE?!?!?!?

"I'm losing my mind? I'm losing my mind. THIS IS SO FUCKED!" you exclaimed, oddly enough in the exact likeness of Shane Dawson's freakout in that one instagram live reacting to Tati Westbrook's YouTube video. (What's with Shane today?) "Oh my god? Oh my god?"

You were manic. This was it. This was it - 

But wait - you forgot the canned food section? 

A lone Chef Boyardee ravioli sat on the shelf, waiting, seemingly, just for you. She looked beautiful. Stunning. Heavenly. 

You feverishly snatched the fuck out of that can, and in such power popped the lid off wide open, the colors of that red tomato sauce and surfacing ravioli packets swimming delightedly. You did it. You tapped into your inner Neanderthal, strength and all.

You downed that shit all in one go, feeling its room temperature-ness sink from your throat down to your intestines, down past that lodged Polly Pocket dress, into the acidic pit of your belly. You felt all your stomach cells jump collectively with such joy, imagining the cheering sounding just like what Horton heard on that speck. 

You smiled so happily and genuine, with the exact likeness of Mark Weins. 

You moaned, quite audibly. It was delectable. 

You had to hit it, you NEEDED to hit it, just like Mark - 

"Mmm, woooowwAAAGAHAHAH - "

"- SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHCCHCHCHHCHHC CRAASH BOOMMOMSMDF JSAFJSDSFHSJDHFJS - "

" - OH SHI -"

-You ragdolled onto the floor -

"- WHAT THE FU -"

-Fragments of cement bursted all around you -

"-BRO WHA-"

-You went blind-

And then, it was all silent.

Your moment of bliss completely evaporated, by a blue pick-up crashing into the Target, right into the produce and dairy section you were in seconds before, in another world...

Your ears rang, you were covered in dust, with the remaining red Chef Boyardee sauce all up on your face. 

The entire building SHOOK with more pebbles and asbestos from the roof dropped onto the floor, along with the rattling of the glass windows.

The sound of insane gunfire soon followed. 

You remained soldier-style onto the ground, like one taking it for the team by taking in all the impact of a land mind, belly to the ground. Though you couldn't see it what was happening, your soy face was NASTY. 

"Bro whaaatttt????" you whispered. "All this for toilet paper????" 

"TA-TATA-ATATATATATA," said the gunfire. "PPAPAPAATATATATTAAAA!!!!"

You crouched up, peering a little outside, to see a car on fire, along with more of that loud ass fucking gunfire and people ducking for cover. Shit was a real Call of Duty game. Shit was a real war zone. You were stupefied, stunned, SAT! Then, to the right -

"SCREEEECHCHCHHCHHCHCH BOOOF BOOOM PAPRATATATATA!!!!" More cars whipped around the corner outside, like for real Fast and Furious shit! 

"Uh," you thought to yourself, no longer wanting to watch like a noisy pedestrian, "uhhhhhh, yeah this ain't for me. A girl like me is NOT supposed to be here! This ain't my business! War is for boys <3"

You quickly made a go for the exit, only to find it blocked by some grown ass man and child. They quickly clocked you, safe to say, both parties knowing that seeing another person this close right now is not a great sign. 

The man pointed his gun to you as he stayed down with the girl, avoiding the incoming shots. 

"Wait, THEY'RE the ones being shot at?" you realized, "nah bro I'm good."

"Oh, don't mind me!" you quickly said in your sweet, customer service voice, "I'm just gonna, gonna go ahead and, yeah," you inched closer to the back door and saw yourself out to the alleyway behind the place, managing to casually dodge every incoming bullet at you by a hair. After shutting that shit behind you, you stood straighter, dusted some of the dust off, and thought it best to go on back home and pretend that nothing happened, as always.

You actually ended up knocking out NASTY in the alleyway. Like, unbeknownst to you, multiple of those fungus girls walked by you thinking you were already dead. 

You stirred, delirious and confused, like an old person snapping out of a moment's dementia. It was nearing sundown by now, with the sunset casting its glow on the desolate alley buildings. 

You rubbed your slept-swollen face after you cranked yourself up with shaky ass arms, genuinely trying to remember the events that brought you here in the first place. You were like a shell-shocked vet. 

"Bro...where the fuck....?" you looked around, trying to piece everything together - but you thought that might be too much work, so you opted to doing your own version of the Irish goodbye and leaving without addressing the previous events <3. 

"I get those frat boys. Last night really WAS a movie," you thought as you walked out of the alley, looking left and right trying to remember how the fuck you were gonna take your ass back now - like NOW cause nighttime is not the place to be around these girlies. You played Minecraft. You knew the vibe. They seemed to be more rabid and unpredictable, which safe to say, is NOT your fave combo. You could so fuck up a bag of Combo's right now.

You dusted more dirt from your SpongeBob shorts, and tried to fix your botched hair, but was briefly and heavily distracted by a dust particle getting into your eye - causing such emergency and panic. 

"Oh fuck oh fuck no get out get OUT!" you worried, trying to pry whatever foreign conspirator of a dust particle that was currently committing espionage in your eye socket, albeit looking quite disturbing doing so. 

After prying that bitch out, you wiped your face and to your fucking dismay, spotted red stains all up on your hands. Your heart fell to the empty distilled pits of your stomach, to the pits of your gooch - 

"IS THAT FUCKING BLOOD? OH MY GOD AM I FUCKING, LIKE, HURT?!" you freaked - you were quite literally wounded in battle. You took a sniff. "Oh, just tomato sauce. I'm so silly!" 

You smiled to yourself happily, slowly remembering that ravioli - the one highlight of this mess. Your tummy rumbled. 

"If only there was a cart full of foo - oh my god there's one right there," in front of you was a shopping cart that apparently spawned out of nowhere filled with goodies. Literally perfect!

You approached it, mesmerized by its contents - more canned ravioli, Dolly Parton's buttercream frosting, a tub of fresh watermelon, some bags of gummy worms, some bags of Wingstop wings (with fries and ranch!), tubs of water (of which you credited this random shopping cart being sent from some higher power because it wasn't Dasani or Zephryhill), Combo's and, perhaps most importantly, a jar of spear dill pickles. 

You could've cried. 

And you did. 

But you stopped after like ten seconds because remember it's nighttime a girl needs to GO!

You took that shopping cart and began walking down the scene where that Fast and Furious ass scene went down, now lifeless of any activity but bullet-riddled crashed cars, piles of broken cement, dead bodies, and random spouts of smoke. You felt like just a girl, walking down an average street in New York, living a single, nepo-fueled and quaint life. 

"If only I had my headphones," you thought, now saddened that your phone and sound-proof headphones had been long-dead. "I LITERALLY pay my fucking bills, like?" 

You continued walking, just a girl with her shopping cart, when you spotted a clearing in some forest area, which seemed very familiar to you. 

"Lowkey, I think this is a short-cut to my house?" you said to someone, apparently. (There's no one around you but that's never stopped you.)

You went down into the wood, like a girl with just her shopping cart going through a magical Studio-Ghibli-esque forest that sprouted between two demolished buildings into some portal into the spirit world. Though it was pretty difficult to push the lowkey-broken shopping cart on anything but flat flooring, causing you to have some bouts of intolerable anger so powerful it helped you yank the wheels stuck on uprooted roots, you thought, "hey, things could lowkey be worse? Like, let's just remember what Vanessa Hudgens said, 'Like, yeah, people are gonna die which is terrible but like...inevitable?' "

And people did die, BUT, you did have Wingstop fries, so. 

And now, it wasn't just a whole shopping cart of goodies that you would return home with, but some granola?!

A pile of perfectly placed granola sat pretty on the ground in front of you, with some berries and yogurt bits scattered in - just fucking delicious and any vegan mommy's dreams.

"Oh my god," your mouth salivating, inhumanely - a Kubrick stare fell over your face as you eyed the fuck out of that horse feed.

"I could lowkey fuck UP some granola," your stomach said, the only decipherable thing she's said in a loooooooong time. Long time.

When you clocked out of your gaze, you walked on over, ready to scoop up the entire pile, relishing in the self-fulfillment and satisfaction you imagined was what those Neanderthals felt way back when. This little hunting and gathering thing we got going on here? Ain't that hard. 

You stood over it, grabbing the pile that happened to be conveniently sitting on a plastic mat, attached with some strings that went places you didn't really give a fuck to know about. All that mattered, was that the stars were aligned for you tonight, the moon must've been in your favor. You didn't need a tarot reader to know that life, well, was good now. Life laugh love even through apocalypse <3

"Man, mama eaten GOOOOOOD tonight!" you bellowed, giggling, dancing slightly back and forth like the fat ass you are, "I wondered if the Neanderthals ever dabbled in a little grano - "

"Grhasjdhfsdsknfjs."

You froze. 

Ain't. No. Fucking. Way. 

You looked up slowly. 

"Biiiiitccchhhhhh," you said, in disbelief. 

"Grajsdhfsajdsk," she said, more sassier than ever. 

"No - NO! This is MINE!" you warned the same fungus girl from earlier. She stood, several feet away, creepily standing in the dark now that the sun was pretty much set. Let's just say, HELLA liminal spaces-core. HELLA ominous with it.

She didn't reply. Instead, she began creeping closer to you, looking at you up and down like an old man checking out a girl walking by who HAPPENS to be in a tank top. You loved your LGBTQ+, but girl needed to be a little smoother in her approach! 

"No. Back off NOW!" you shot back, now standing straighter. After some time out in this life, you learned it's best to approach these girls like you would a bear, if, ideally, you were able to keep yourself calm enough so much so you could think clearly - just stand straight and tall. Stand your GROUND stand your GRANOLA if you will. 

"I'm warning you, girl. No means no. I found it first, fair and fucking square." 

She kept coming, now closer than ever. She wasn't taking no for an answer. You almost gagged at her peeling face, icked the fuck out, but didn't wanna be THAT outwardly rude. She was looking you up and DOWN. (It admittedly boosted your ego up a little, like, were you lowkey hot right now?)

It was clear she wasn't backing down. Your bear tactic went down the toilet. 

She began running. 

Full. 

Speed. 

"Jesus, fine we can share, girl, okay?"

Let's just say, she meant business. Bitch was about to pimp-slap you across the face for that granola. 

"Bro it's that I said we could shaAAAAAAAAAAA - "

But itt was too quick. Too sudden. 

One moment you were about to post-up with the fungus tweaker and the next you were plummeted to the ground by an unseeable force, every ounce of wind pushed out from every crevice of your body, the granola popping into the air like confetti that became shrapnel against the fungus girl, lodging itself into her already fucked-up face.

You gasped for air, in complete shock, whatever force holding you down to the ground - you looked up to see what actual 200+ pound of muscle football fuck just tackled you. Is the granola like the football right now? Did you just touchdown or whatever right now? 

It was him - the same guy from earlier. 

You were too exasperated to speak, literally non-verbal. All he saw were your wide ass eyes, gaping open mouth begging for air like a fish out of water (fish don't breath air, little fun fact! :D) and Beetlejuice hairdo, some tomato sauce still crusted around your lips. 

He suddenly lifted himself up, whipped out a bat from his side and beat that fungus girl to DEATH. Like, BEAT. 

"Oh fffff - uckaaaa," you were able to muster, "there go my Chiro sessions -" 

You rose up, struggling, feeling physically and spiritually like a stomped-on roach, watching this man absolutely go ballistic on the girl. She wasn't even identifiable anymore, just a big mess of red gross goo and shit. 

The little girl from earlier stood closely, like you, just completely entranced with the very ugly and quite frankly inappropriate violence for a child like her to be witnessing. It was like the Reddit 50/50 challenge all over again. (P.S. so like if you look up what that challenge is DON'T press images like I absentmindedly just did literally right after typing that to see if it was still up - Sam <3).

After he was done wailing, he stood straight, caught his breath, bringing himself back to reality from that outburst. He wiped blood off his dome and looked to you, a face of both complete disappointment and disgust that only comes with a man 50 and up. 

Your short-tempered, therapist-diagnosed anger flew over you - physically raging like a boy who got his house blown up by a creeper in Minecraft. Again, what did we say about nighttime???

"You. Fucking. DICK!!!!" you spat, your control now completely lost, "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT FUCKING COSTS FOR A CHIRO SESSION?! DON'T YOU KNOW THEY DON'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE, APPARENTLY?!??! DO I LOOK LIKE TRAVIS KELCE?!?!? DO I LOOK LIKE A QUARTER POUNDER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK?!?! ARE YOU TRYING TO ROLE PLAY AS TAYLOR WHEN THE CHIEFS WON?! I AIN'T A FUCKING SWIFTIE LIKE THAT!!!!!!"

After your spewing, you took a deep breath. It felt pretty good, you even smiled. 

His face fell. 

"Are you fucking crazy?" he bellowed back, "Are you out of your mind?! What were you thinking?!"

"I was literally JUST sharing food. I had that handled. I was like, breaking - breaking bad. Like Jesus..?" you knew there was something wrong there. Now you felt embarrassed. "No, wait - that's bread. Whatever fuck it I FUCKED THAT UP! But I'm NOT meth head, I'm NOT LIKE HER!" you pointed at the now mass of flesh and fungi. Gross. 

"I just saved your fucking life," he now came in close, towering over you and pointing, intimidating and furious. His southern drawl was in full action. (Uh oh you found this hot little does he know). "That granola back there was a fucking deer trap!" 

"Well," you started, biting your tongue like a mom, "it seems you've trapped my 'deer' ol' hear -" 

The girl stepped forward before you could finish that not well-timed flirt. "Wait, aren't you from the supermarket? Earlier?" she asks, now laughing, "That was crazy!" 

"Ellie, don't." The man stepped back, guarding the girl from you. He was weary. "Who are you?"

"I'm me," you said, arms crossed, unplucked and overgrown eyebrows raised. "Who are you?"

"Joel....?" the girl named Ellie said, worriedly. He seemed to chill out a bit. He looked over to her with a face that read: Don't worry. I know this bimbo means no harm." 

During that moment, you really took the scene in - and that scene? This man in front of you with the hick ass name Joel. Joel? Well, 

"Why he kindaaaaaa," BOTH sides of your brain said. "No, no I can't. Not here and not again, like time and place," you thought to yourself, but unbeknownst to you you said aloud. Safe to say, they looked at you oddly.

But you couldn't control your thoughts or your emotions. They are, after all, your thoughts and emotions which are usually, like Vanessa said, inevitable? 

He was tall, burly, and graying - with such a masculine aura it was insane. The strong, silent types, as your ex-boyfriend/ex-sugar daddy, Tony Soprano, would've adored. His whole rugged look - dirt on the face, unkept hair and facial hair, tired eyes, somewhat smelly...

Then it hit you. 

Is this it? 

Is this him? 

Is this your RICK?????

You didn't realize it, but you were staring. Not in the Kubrick this-bitch-fucking-crazy way, but in the, this-bitch-out-of-it way. You shook yourself back to reality. If you were going to bag this man, you needed to act indifferent. 

A moment went by, no one spoke.

"Well.... y'all gonna eat this?" you asked, motioning to all the scattered granola.

They didn't reply.

"Okay slay!" You bent down to start picking up all the pieces. You weren't, after all, gonna let all that go to waste like these bozos would. 

You popped one in your mouth, chomping that stale piece. "Mmmm. Mhm. Yeah. Sprout's. Def." 

You continued to pick them up, the man named Joel now scoffing in disbelief of the situation. You perked up and turned to the Ellie girl. "Hey girlie, you want?" 

Ellie the girl happily grabbed some, chewing on it for what looked like the first time. You were confused, judging, but thought it best to not judge. 

"Ggrjsdfjsakjdfska."

All three of you stood straight, frozen. 

Another fungus bitch pulled up, arms out and perked up at the sight of y'all - his possible little buffet. He had on a Vineyard Vines t-shirt and a pair of Sperry's. In summation? Ugly. His face was also fucked up.

"Oh, my god," you said, over it, "what ever happened to finders fucking keepers? Y'all getting on my damn NERVES! Hold this girl," you passed the collected granola into Ellie's arms. Joel, getting prepped to probably curb stomp this once-private and probably racist schoolboy, soon stopped once he saw you step up to the ring. 

As mentioned before, you never liked to resort to violence, but there comes a time...

You grabbed that zombie by the hair, and began to wail on it with one punch after another, grabbing it's man-bun ponytail and slamming its body onto the ground, continuing to obliterate it's my-daddy-has-a-boat ass, completely disassociating with anger. 

Joel and Ellie watched in both horror and amazement at your abilities. 

"You fucking bitch back the FUCK off bro!" you muttered. The last time you fought with this same manner and vigor was in the school bathrooms over a juul. Those cookie-monster PJ pants girls taught you well. 

Once you landed him in an induced coma, you rose up, took in a deep breath and searched his Bermuda short's side pockets, feeling for the all familiar shape. And there she was. 

You pulled it out - there she was in all her beauty. 

"Speaking of!" you said, examining the blueberry fume. As mentioned, it was just like those bathroom fights. "Yes YES! I used to know a girl who FUCKED these up! I just KNEW he'd carry!" 

Just then, the rich boy moved. You clocked it, and kicked it on its side. It rose and quickly ran off, frightened, as you continued to yell some more obscenities. You hit the fume - shit was still kicking. 

You turned back. "Sorry guys, I'm just, I try to be patient with them, and I am, don't get me wrong. I know COVID has everyone acting, you know, off their shit but," you looked to the now deceased fungus tweaker. "Poor girl. She just wanted some granola bits." 

Joel furrowed his brows, very confused. "Why would you be 'patient' with them? They're infected!" 

"Hey! That's not a nice way to characterize victims of diseases - drugs are real, like don't you know about fenty? And I'm not even talking about Rihan -"

"They're runners! They're not human!"

You turned back to the limping 'runner', now confused too. 

"Runners?" you asked, turning back. 

Joel nodded. "Yeah. Infected. Undead." 

"You mean, like, zombies?"

Joel took a minute, seemingly embarrassed that he hadn't thought of something so obvious as that sooner. 

"You know," you shrugged, tired, blowing out an obnoxious cloud of smoke from the fume, a cloud, if you will, "they're just going through it." 

Ellie looked to Joel, unsure of what to make of your comments. 

It was now nighttime, and after massively failing to locate or find your way back home, Joel, out of pity that you were a bit of a bimbo, allowed you to stay with them for one night. 

You all were camped (ew I know) in the middle of a forest, it was pitch black outside all except for the small fire in front of you all where Joel had baked beans cooking. Apparently, your perfect shopping cart with the goodies vaporized into the air, because it was nowhere in sight after the whole shabackle and hubbub. Joel suggested in a, what you swore was, passive-aggressive way, that you were so starved you began hallucinating it. You knew that was most probably the case but would've rather eat a fungus off one of those 'runners' or whatever's faces than admit that. And you would've, again, rather eat that toe fungus than mentioned your probable house's carbon dioxide leakage.

Anyway, back to the scene - Ellie is knocked out in her sleeping bag, leaving you and Joel to sit across from each other in a pretty awkward silence as you ate those gross ass beans. There were some moments you caught yourself about to complain about them and claim they tasted like 'dick', but thought it best not to. But, you needed to say something about this, you couldn't just hold it in. 

"How's the beans?" Joel asked, quietly and moodily as usual.

"Tbh," you said, the first thing spoken in like an hour, "...I just want, like, sushi, man."

His face fell a bit.

"But this isn't bad! Trust me!" you quickly tried saving yourself, feeling very quite bad, "look, I've had beans in England. Some say the bean capital of the world, there's literally a dude from there named Mr. Bean. And this is so much better."

He was too confused to reply.

You felt a fly buzz by your ear - one of your number one hated sensories to be crossed - and smacked it. You HATED the outdoors too, as much as you hated these beans. It reminded you of when you had exited your home after months being inside and how quickly that 'touching-grass' shit got old. 

But still, no complaining. 

You glanced over at him, and you couldn't help but think - man this dude looks familiar. Very familiar. You weren't sure if it's just cause you haven't seen another person in some time, or in this case, another man in so long that your brain basically said: "man = every other man" and that's the reason you thought he looked 'familiar'. But, no, no - you'd SEEN this man before. Did you have a dream about him? No, that was Rick. Actually, now that you thought about it, he lowkey looked like some of your ex's? 

"What's your name?" you asked, trying to break the awkward silence. You knew, but had forgotten. 

He hesitated, his grumpy ass chewing on those beans. "Joel. Joel Miller." 

"Oh my god, you're real?" And that was it - THAT'S why he looked familiar! "I literally wrote a fan fiction about you in class, and submitted that as my final! Everything really does come full circle when you think about it." You went back to eating your beans, waiting for him to respond, which he didn't really do a lot. You thought it best to move on. 

"Well, Joel. Can I tell you something?" 

He hesitated again, a little longer. "What?"

"So like, I've only been out here for like, a week? Or two? To be honest I don't remember. Could be a month, but like, what happened?"

"What do you mean what happened?" that southern drawl coming out more now that he was annoyed/mad that you'd even ask a question like that. 

You shrugged and looked around. "Like, all this?" you said, obviously. 

He let out a tired breath.

"Well, there were this fungu -"

Just as he was about to explain, you interrupted, unknowingly, going on more about your cluelessness. 

" - Like, one minute I'm in a resort, you know, the White Lotus one, sipping marg's on the beach, for like a month? My ex-boyfriend slash sugar daddy at the time, AND I only say ex cause he hasn't gotten back to me since all this shit happened so I just assumed he broke it off with me but whatever, that's not the point, Tony - Tony's his name - paid for my stay. It was great, I was living pretty, you know, lavishly? VERY lavishly, actually. I was tanning, being massaged, going through a whole cleanse, you know? No phone, no internet. I had a bunch of books recommendations from TikTok, but to be honest I didn't really read them cause the words just don't process, you know? You just need to bring it with you to make people THINK you read, you know? Anyway, I'm there, and who do I see? Fucking Jared Leto! Yeah, that creepy ass bitch! He had his whole cult there, like they're weird Jonestown retreat or whatever, and I wanted to join cause it looked fun but I knew I probably couldn't be married to him, you know, how all those cult leaders are. Anyway whatever, it was great. I was having a great time, Big Ange was even there and she left me her green glasses and I've been meaning to give them back to her - "

"- Where'd you say you were staying at again?"

"White Lotus? In Jersey?"

"There's a beach resort in Jersey?"

"No, I know what you mean. It's where Tony was from, but it's a faux beach. The beach? It's faux. Stops the smell of rotting 'whacked' bodies, you know, cause that's not very resort like?"

He nodded, he understood. 

"Yeah. Anyway," you said, annoyed he interrupted you, "I'm there, in my room, sleeping, and there's a knock at my door. I go and it's the lobby guy or whatever, he's like rushing me out telling me about how my stay is over cause there's a cold going around and I have to leave, like? I'm sorry, I paid - well Tony paid - for the whole month and a half? But what am I gonna do, you know? So I'm like fine fucking party poopers, and they kick me out, like a fucking cartoon, down the steps of the place and toss my luggage. At first I was mad, cause like, what's a little cold? And then I look outside where they kicked me out and the world is like, over? Everything ended? Over a fucking cold? Shit was like, demolished. And then they shut the door behind me leaving me to fend for myself, like I'm sorry? Do I look like Bear Grylls? Do I look like 'Survivor'? Like I got this shit handled? So whatever, I walked back home and let's just say: Culture. Shock. Insane. Like, whaaattttt? Covid was worse than I thought! Then I get home, my power's out, my water, everything. And shit was DIRTY! Like as if I'd been gone for twenty fucking years. I couldn't check Twitter or anything, it wasn't loading so I couldn't find out what the big deal was. Like, guys, can we talk about the political and economic state of the world right now? AND I had a blister on my toe from the walk! It sucked!" 

(Told you we'd revisit! Now, we're revisited!)

Once you were finished with your impromptu story time, Joel intently listening, he went onto explain after the whole lore of the political and economic state of the world right now, how it wasn't even political or economic, just a virus. Shit was crazy. Fungus, coffee beans and spinach, Fire fly people, rations, explosions, the whole deal. You were tapped in, realizing you didn't space out cause he was just so fine to look out you genuinely cared about what he had to say. And he said it. 

A sullenness came over him, and you hated to say - it was pretty hot. But time and place! It just occurred to you that he didn't seem like the type to open up, so him being vulnerable just made you think, wow, he's a human! And he's hot! 

After he finished, there was a sad silence in the air. 

"Man....covid really was worse than I thought," you replied. 

"Now do you get it? They're not real people or 'girlies'. They're infected," he said. "Do you have any experience with them? Besides the one you beat on and scared away today?"

"What makes you think I don't have any experience?" you replied, with a little flirtatious-sass in your voice. You knew you didn't have experience. 

"Cause no experienced person would have willingly beaten up an infected the way you did without fear of being scratched or bit. It was reckless and stupid what you did."

"Yeah but I fucked his ass up," you said, hyping yourself up in the process. "But lol you're kinda right. Nah, yeah the most experience I have with zombies is Black Ops. Those bitches give me the heeby JEEBIES!" 

"You think this Tony is still alive?"

"I don't know, actually," you said. "We got into a pretty bad argument before I left, that's why I left, you know, to the resort, for some space and a break between each other. So I doubt he'd call me back now." 

"What about?"

"He's like a big animal guy, you know? Whatever, his fucking horse died and I literally didn't know, no one told me. There was a candle lit at the vet when they were putting him down and I was like, as a joke, 'guys! It's lit right now!' and he was all like, 'what he fuck is wrong with you?'. He was annnnggrryyyyyyy. I didn't read the paper beside the candle saying to be quiet, that they were putting it down," you said, shrugging. "Really sad. She was a pretty horse, you know? Cunty." 

Joel nodded. This was all a very serious affair for him. It bummed you out, everything was so serious and sad out here. 

"So these zombies aren't girl's girls after all? They're like, anti-girlies?" you asked, mainly as a statement of fact you were coming to terms with rather than a question. 

"I guess so," he said. "Whatever the fuck that means," he also said, not as audible. That explosion earlier left you more partially deaf. 

He looked down and continued to fiddle and play with his beans with his fork, not taking much interest in his appetite anymore.  There was a moment of silence between you guys, more comfortable than before. You both felt the bond of this shared experience bring you guys together a bit, in this very moment. He didn't feel much of a stranger anymore, and neither did you to him. You felt, truly, he was a man who lost something too...

The solemness on him, again you hated to admit, you found very attractive. EXTREMELY attractive, actually. The last time you saw a relatively attractive man was months ago at the resort, and he was, unfortunately, (but not unfortunately for the gays) a gay man. RIP ARMAND <3. So safe to say, you were rabidly horndogging. He was the type of man that has a LOT of shit going on, but doesn't talk about it, but DOES look like it. 

But you knew how to handle this - it wasn't your first rodeo. 

"So are you, like, single, orrr...?" you asked, sheepishly, acting like you are so not trying to get at him right now. 

"Why do you ask?" he replied, somewhat guarded. 

"Well cause you got a daughter and all, like is there a wife orrr - ?"

" - She's not my daughter." 

"Damn. Okay. So you're like babysitting orrr?"

He thought for a moment. "Sure," he replied, cautiously. 

"Man, you're just triggering my daddy issues!" you joked but it horrendously didn't land, "just kidding!" You giggled, casually and nervously. What happened to time and place?

TIME JUMP!!!!!

Remember how I said Joel just let you stay with them for one night? Well now it's been like six months and you're halfway across the country, in another truck! Yay!

Despite him giving clear signs that you two were to part, (not wanting to outright DIRECTLY say so cause he didn't wanna be rude), it was clear you weren't able to those read social cues that well. (Actually, you did, you read them quite well, but wanted to pretend not to because he was now your Rick and you lowkey mentally imprinted on him on some Twilight shit). He eventually gave up all hope, pitying you in a way. The only positive he saw was how you did all the talking with Ellie, since his ass is basically mute.

You became a sort of bigger sister/cool aunt for her, which you ate the fuck up. You had to fill her in on EVERYTHING: the Dramageddon lore, the Challengers summer experience, Ariana Grande/Spongebob fiasco, Kendrick v. Drake beef, Jojo's Karma's a Bitch and how she's the first self-proclaimed lesbian to ever exist, Colleen Ballinger's ukulele apology, finding out about the Queen's death and Twitter, the Montgomery riverfront fight, and more that aren't too important to mention. You thought it best to fill her in on shit a girl her age would fuck up, like what kid cares about the political and economic state of the world right now? Anyway you two got along very well, she made you giggle and you made her giggle, the perfect vibe! Joel lowkey admired you for, (and found it hot), the way you were with her. What could you say? All those years in early childhood back in high school meant something after all! Not just D grades and getting caught with a cart in your backpack!

Speaking of Joel, he definitely wouldn't show it, but like I said, he began to like you a bit. Actually, fuck that middle school shit and 'liking' - he began to FALL for you! On some romantic period piece shit! And who wouldn't? Besides those moldy Spongebob shorts, crusty yet fast Lightening McQueen Crocs and Beetlejuice hair, you were a natural beauty! Girl you were bad asf!!!!

Now in another pick-up, y'all were moving cross cuntry. You had your feet out the window, letting them get that breeze as you watched the Microsoft Windows default wallpaper-esque landscape pass on by. Ellie was in the back reading her nerd ass comic books, while Joel drove, of course, in silence. You were literally his passenger princess. If only you had a phone and AUX, cause your Spotify roadtrip playlist would so hit right now.

But again, what's in Ohio?

All you knew, was that they needed to get to Ohio. What's in Ohio? Who the fuck knows. Logan Paul? London? Yes, there's a London in Ohio, you knew that all to well when you accidentally booked a flight there instead of the actual London in England high off a Benadryl pill. But you wouldn't mention that to Joel.

You weren't sure what the fuck was up with Ohio, all he said was that they needed to get there. You thought it best not to question too much, afraid of losing that passenger princess spot.

(hey! it's Sam and my dumbass just realized that it's Utah they're going to, not Ohio. Apparently they wanna meet up with the Mormons, not Prime's own, Logan Paul. Whatever same hick ass states anyway I'm not gonna change it so proceed!)

"I wish I had my phone or AUX right now," you said, sadly. "I have this Spotify roadtrip playlist that would sooooo hit right now."

He gave you a side eye, his normal response.

"What song would you play?" Ellie asked.

"Hmm, let me think," you said, now thinking. "Probably like, Lana's cover of 'Take Me Home, Country Roads'? You know, cause we're like on country roads right now."

Joel gave you another side eye. You peeped. This was a perfect prying moment!

"Do you know that song?" you asked Joel. Y'all barely spoke anything personal (actually, YOU spoke at lengths, without being asked, about your personal stuff, but not vice versa. He was a great listener, though).

"Yeah. I know it," he said, quietly. You knew there was more.

Just as you were about to say something, he interrupted.

"But I don't know who that 'Lana' is."

"Oh, Joel, you'd fuck UP Lana! She's like the bridge between girlies and middle-aged men, not for the same reasons but a bridge nonetheless!"

You all then began to talk about music, but it usually involved just you and Ellie pairing up to bully, in a friendly way, Joel. It was fun to make fun of him, in a friendly way. You got so much enjoyment out of bugging these grown ass men, cause their egos were so fragile. You also just kind of found it hot that you could do that, with Joel as NO exception.

As mentioned before, he was very quiet. And you're a talker. See the problem? You were waiting for the right moment, when after all this buildup and trust would, well, buildup into trust, enough for him to open up to you. And when that day comes, it won't be just his mouth opening up!

You also got pretty good at learning how to defend yourself against the zombie girlies. Not that you didn't know before, but now, with Joel's help, you were able to take down multiple at once. You ate that shit up, feeling like one of those hot Resident Evil characters. Joel was even impressed, which made you pretend more like it was 'no biggie' as you'd usually say. What you didn't say, of course, was how your asshole clenched from fear every time you saw one and how you ached all over from fighting! But why would you?! Appearances are lowkey everything!!

The skyline of the city finally came into view. Fuck if you knew which city it was, you lost track. Your stomach rumbled. You cradled it as if you were "so I'm thirty-four weeks today", softly and longingly. You needed to eat. The rumble was loud, causing Joel to look over.

"You okay?"

"Does it sound like it? I'm hungry," you said. "Where's my fume?" You began to pat yourself down for that appetite suppressant, having an addict's moment of panic that you may have lost it. You didn't, she just thought she'd be funny and slip between the cracks of the chair and armrest. You pulled that bitch out and envisioned it was a Five Guy's cheeseburger as you inhaled that faux blueberry chemical.

"Guys, what's this?" Ellie asked, reaching over to the front, pointing to a roll of sushi illustrated in her comic. You didn't know Batman had time to eat sushi, but,

"Oh, FUCK!" you bellowed. "Sorry, Ellie. Excuse my French. I could so eat that right now."

You then caught a glimpse of a rather large scar on her forearm. Shit looked crazy.

"Uh, Ellie," you said. "I don't wanna like, overstep or be rude, I know it's none of my business."

Joel and Ellie suddenly tensed up. At this moment, they both knew the mistake Ellie had just made. You didn't, of course, which was why they were concerned.

Ellie backed up softly, quickly covering up her scar. Joel shifted in his seat.

"Uh, yeah? What is it?" Ellie asked wearily.

"That scar," you said.

Ellie gulped. Joel tightened his grip on the wheel.

"You should slap some scar cream on that. Like, Mederma? Ever heard of it?"

"Mederma?" Ellie asked.

Joel let out a relieved breath. He raked his hand through his hair, self-soothingly. They were good. Thank god for your lack of social cues.

"It's, uh, a scar cream," Joel answered lowly.

"It helps, trust. Once, I was on a city bike in Miami Beach, fell right onto the concrete and ate shit. It was bad, but once that scar closed, I lathered that cream on, and that's it. Now I don't even remember where the scar is. The doctor said it was from memory loss after smacking my head on the ground, but I really think it was the Mederma. So yeah. Get some if you can," you said.

"Uh huh. Okay," Ellie said. She wasn't really listening, instead trying to relax herself from you almost finding out about what was really in Ohio (Utah). And you wanna know something? It's not Logan Paul (Mormons).

"Anyway, yeah that food? It's sushi. It's sooooo good. So good," you said, reminiscing about those rolls. "So good. So so sooooo good."

"What's sushi?"

"Anything you want it to be, honestly. But usually fish," you said.

You took a moment.

"FUCK!" you yelled again, the anger of craving sushi so animalistic, "Sorry, sorry. I just, I just really want sushi. I wish you could try it Ellie, I think you'd like it. Joel, do you like sushi?"

"Never had it."

"What?"

"I've never had it."

"How have you never had sushi?"

"I just haven't."

"Well, you should."

"I can't."

"Why not? You allergic to fish?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Cause we're in a goddamn apocalypse," he replied, this time quite irritated.

"Well, if you do, let me know. I want a piece," you said, a little sassy, looking back out the window.

He then turned to give you a hard look. It was a mix of anger and confusion, the usual.

"You know," he started, trying to think of the words, "you're weir -"

" - JOEL WATCH OUT!!!!!!!"

Joel shot his head straight forward, to see a zombie standing in the middle of the road.

BAMBOOMSD AHSDFJKASJDFKSJSKLDJFAS

He swerved, causing you're not-wearing-seatbelt-ass to slam into the passenger car door, then rag doll as you held on for dear life on the grab handles above as you flipped over and over and over and over and over and over from the sheer power and magnitude of that swerve.

BOOM CRASH BOOFS FJADSJJDASKDSAADS CRASH BOOM POPSJDKFJASFAS

"OH SHI -"

You looked like Jay Leno in that one video where the car repeatedly flips over and over, with Joel holding his arm out trying to keep you down (didn't work).

BOOM CRASH POWEBSDAJFJSAKDA BOOF BAM POWBOOMSADJF

It just kept going.

CRASHBOOM JSDHSIFHJSA CRASH SJDFLSAFDKL FLIPSD FASKJDFSSDOAFLIP SADJFKSAJFD

Kept going.

BOOM CRASHDJSAKDFJSALDJ FAS

Yo lowkey when this gonna stop?

BOOM CRASH BOOFS FJADSJJDASKDSAADS CRASH BOOM POPSJDKFJASFASSDJFSKAKDADAS.....

SJKDFASKLJDFS boom pop.....crash...

It finally stopped!

You groaned awake, feeling FUCKED up your shit was ROCKED.

"Get up! GET UP!" Joel yelled, already having been out the car with Ellie.

"Oh my god okay chill I literally just flipped?"

"It's a trap! They're raiders!"

"What -"

"TA-TATA-ATATATATATPPAPAPAATATATATTAAAA!!!!"

You rolled your eyes bro not again.

All three of you took cover behind the now dilapidated truck as the raiders shot from the other side of the road.

You weren't even scared now, just over it like? Likeeee???????

Joel started shooting back, and so did you and though your aim was pretty shit you managed to take out some of them. You found that not looking and just shooting overhead and all over the place was the best tactic! Let the bullet find its own way <3

"Oh my god, Joel, I got an idea!" you said.

"What?!" he bellowed, very busy with the whole gunfire and all.

"We should make a bomb!"

"How?!"

"Mazel tov cocktail?"

"You mean molotov?!"

"Why are you correcting me? We have to think fast not be correcting each other get your priorities straight Joel oh my god?! Am I the only one taking this seriously?!?!?"

You dropped that gun on the floor and began to craft the bomb with such efficiency and grace, you felt like a little brainiac. You thought this may have been how the Unabomber felt like if he actually succeeded. (Thank god he didn't though lol right?? btw fbi I'm not a terrorist sympathizer!!! - Sam)

Let's just say - the pressure was on! As you were crafting the bomb, shots continue to fly by overhead, blowing comically large holes in Beetlejuice-esque hair. Joel kept rushing you, which you didn't appreciate like no shit I'm trying to go fast? Why would I not be trying to go fast dumbass?

Once you finished, you lit the cloth's end and turned to Joel and threw it at him, "THINK FAST JOEL!"

He, petrified, grabbed it in midair and looked at you with a look of complete awe. And it wasn't the good kind. More a look of horror, actually. Offended horror.

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THROW IT AT ME?!?!?!"

"UH, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GOOD EYE-HAND COORDINATION?!?! YOU THROW IT!?!?!"

In disbelief, he threw the molotov on the other side of the car and took cover.

You all ducked, and you took out your Dollar Store sunnies to cover your eyes from, essentially, the war crime you've just committed.

Let's just say - Oppenheimer would've been jealous. It wasn't your first time making a molotov, but something was different in the air that day, because you pretty much made the equivalent of one atomic bomb in that little glass Jarritos bottle.

The light from the bomb was so bright, for a second's moment, everything seemed still and dead silent, muted almost, as the bright glare lit everything around you all - you all braced yourselves, readying for the sound - the boom.

And girl.

Did it boom.

"Boom," said the Jarritos bottle.

The bomb? Yeah, pretty big. The effectiveness? Yeah, pretty and literally groundbreaking. The sound? Yeah, deafening.

Shards of metal, glass, unidentifiable body parts, and other mumbo jumbo flew right past you all from behind the truck, as you all huddled together, still tense from the impact.

If it wasn't for the fact that, as previously mentioned, you were already lowkey deaf from AirPods, you'd definitely be a mute. The sound riveted through all y'all's ear drums, sprinkling in a little tinnitus behind.

You guys crept up to see the damage. You pretty much did more than enough, they all literally died. The coast was definitely clear and y'all were good to go!

You three then grabbed your bags and started to walk down the road into the city, all in a stunned silence. You weren't that stunned, really, (it wasn't your first time making bombs as you did notably do some freelance work for Escobar), but Ellie and Joel had the same look like that one pic of that thousand-yard-stare soldier.

Joel was also quite pissed off, he just had that grumpy ass face he always has, but more intense. You assumed it was cause of the whole shabackle, but couldn't understand why he didn't see a reason to smile right now like? We're literally walking alive! Yeah, walking instead of driving, but alive!

"Uh, what's with the long face girl?" you asked, trying to spread your happiness.

He didn't respond.

As you got closer to the city, your patience was running thinner. The big ass backpack you had on kept slipping cause one of the straps was fucked up, causing you to have to constantly shift it upwards. It was reallllyyyyy starting to tick you off. You felt like a middle schooler who hasn't learned it's cooler to just bring a folder and chewed up pencil to school. It was also heavy as fuck with a ton of random bullshit like Joel's Linda Ronstadt CD's and Ellie's nerd ass comic books. Look, you were all for physical media, but you were also all about setting the bag on fire and catapulting it Ancient Rome style for another raider's battle. You kept this to yourself until then, though, like mama's lil secret <3.

Now in the city, you guys took a shortcut through some random building. You weren't sure it was a smart shortcut, cause it's a random building, but you were too exhausted to really gaf and ask. Plus, Joel didn't seem in the mood. He never was.

You were all creeping through the abandoned, smelly, rotting, moldy hallways, finding out it used to be a dispensary, and thought you could find some, you know, good loot or whatever. So you mentioned to Joel and Ellie that'd you look around and split off. Joel knew you were going to look for any scraps of weed like a raccoon feign, (your blueberry vape died during the battle)

You turned a corner, into a room, then looked around carefully. The place seemed pretty empty, so your guard? Very down.

"Slippppppping I'm slippingggggg," said the bag.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God," you said through gritted teeth, feeling a rise of deep anger. You violently thrusted it back on your shoulder, sore from the weight as you turned a corner. "Fucking dumbass back pack -"

You then hit the wall, as you were too distracted and fixated on the bag.

"Oh fuck," you said, rubbing your head. You looked up.

"OH FUCK!"

It wasn't a wall, it was actually the fupa of a giant bloater. You stood, petrified, stunned - almost collapsing onto the ground from the fear that plummeted into you - you were Wendy Williams as the Statue of Liberty.

Then, it burped, just staring down at you.

"AY DIOS MIO!!!!"

Like a cartoon, you jumped in the air, turned the other way and hauled absolute ASS out of there.

"GUYS!!!! GUYS, WE GOT A FLOATER!!!!!!" you screamed, running and running, doing what you perhaps always seemed to do best.

It started to chase you, it's fee fi fo fum ass stomps echoing from behind. This was some temple run ass shit.

"Feee....Fi.....Fo.....Fummmm.....," the bloater's steps said.

You then felt that all too familiar feeling, down there. And not the good kind. You had to shit. That bloater? Yeah. Scared you so much it made your butthole say,

"I need to shit."

The anxiety of 1. a bloater, 2. your need to go shit, and 3. you not being able to locate neither Joel or Ellie, filled you with such dread. You really did now gaf.

"Feeeeee....Fiiiii.....Foooooo.....Fuuuuuummmm....."

"GUYS??!?! GUYS LIKE WHERE THE FUCK ARE Y'ALL?!?!? NO LIKE FOR REAL?!?!?!"

Every thought raced through your mind - did they die? Did they abandoned you? Or worse, did they stop somewhere to eat WITHOUT you????

"Feeeeeeeeeeee....Fiiiiiii.....Fooooooo.....Fuuuuuuuuuuummmm....."

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod," you rambled, holding one hand on your ass to keep the shit in and the other on that backpack strap.

"Slipping I'm slipping again!!!!" the bag said.

"OhmygodIHATETHISFUCKASSBACKPACK!!!!!" you screamed, then proceeded to grab it and yeet it full force at the bloater's fupa.

The power of your thrust was so monstrous it caused the bloater to fly mid-air backwards for several feet and land right through a glass window.

You didn't stop to check it out, now instead enjoying the free weight literally off your back and your faster paced running. Those Lightening McQueen Crocs were now in full force, in sports mode and ready to go. With every step, the sounds of tiny yet serious little engines squeaked out from below the heel.

You then spotted the pair, and to your relief they hadn't died, left you, or were eating. No, instead they were huddled in a corner, crouched down and holding their fingers to their mouth. It looked as though they were telling you to be quiet.

"Do you guys want me to be quiet?" you asked. At that moment, Joel's spirit died. He let his head fall in general disappointment.

Turns out, an entire group of clickers were in the room next door, overstimulated, triggered and ready to pounce, triggered from your maniacal distant screaming.

"Ohhh," you mouthed, nodding overtly your head in full understanding. You crept on over, now huddled with them.

"Where's your bag?" Ellie whispered.

"What bag?" you asked, then looking away as if disinterested. You thought the best way to explain the absence of the bag was to gaslight them into thinking there was no bag in the first place. "So what now?"

"Joel?" Ellie asked.

Joel thought for a moment. "We're going to walk across the room, quietly and slowly to the exit on the other side. No fighting, no shooting," he whispered.

"Okay lieutenant," you said, biting your tongue like a white mom. This was again your attempt at flirting but it didn't work. You really needed to better your timing.

You three began to creep down the hallway, and at first it was working great, up until two random stray clicker girls were hanging out at the exit doors.

You three stopped, Joel thought for a moment on how to handle this.

You couldn't stop. You still needed to shit, and you needed to shit now. You felt your asshole gaping for air, knowing that a fart was the last thing needed now. You held that shit in, but alas some things cannot be held in forever....

"Joel," you whispered in his ear, "I like, have to shit, bad. Like, emergency. Can we speed this up?"

He heard you and decided to ignore you.

He took out his gun, then turned to you both. "I'm gonna shoot, but then you two need to run through those doors. Don't stop and don't look back."

You two nodded.

He aimed, but at that moment, you had no control.

You couldn't hold her in anymore.

This was it.

You can't control nature's course.

You farted.

And he shoted.

But your fart was like a silencer? It worked? It was so subtle and swift, and its duration lasted long enough for two shots that the clickers took it as another one of their co-clickers farting.

The two fungi bitches dropped dead and nothing followed.

"Did you just fart?" Joel asked, breaking the silence.

"No, no - that was the bloater?" you turned behind, again using the gaslighting tactic. He looked behind, too, confused, and since you knew that bloater was probably busy reading comic books and listening to Linda Ronstadt some ways away, you thought it best to move on.

"So like we gonna go orrrr....?" you asked.

"We need to run," Joel said.

"Don't need to tell me twice!" you said before hightailing outta there, your Crocs doing wonders, and leaving them in the dust, (it was actually asbestos).

Running? Running was what you did best. It was so basic, so innate, there was really nothing to it. You always thought, had it not been for all these setbacks in your life, these side quests that just kept side questing you, you lowkey could've been a runner? Not the crackhead Flaka drug ones but, the other type of runner. But oh well c'est la vie.

You three made it out and ran for what seemed like miles and miles (it was across the street), before you stopped from the force of your imminent shit. Joel and Ellie ran past you, not waiting to save your ass, and climbed down some rubble. You tapped back in.

"Joel! JOEL!"

He turned to you, flustered and annoyed as the group of zombies echoed behind y'all like the sounds of minions.

"WHAT?!"

"I CAN'T CLIMB DOWN!"

"YES YOU CAN?!"

You looked down the rubble - you theoretically could, but didn't wanna make one wrong move and ledge your asshole open. Of course, though, you couldn't tell him that, boys aren't supposed to know that girls shit. So you hoped that maybe you acting as a girlie who needed a guy's unnecessary chivalry could so hit right now. He wasn't biting.

"WHAT?" he yelled, literally less than three feet below you.

It wasn't gonna work. The zombies incoherent ramblings grew louder and louder behind you. Looks like plan B - you needed to give him no choice.

He started to run back towards Ellie, before you stopped him.

"JOEL! CATCH MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Like a baby who's dropped into the pool for the first time to 'learn how to swim' without any sense of physical agency or control, like a manic person running with their hands up and mouth agape, like a true damsel in distress, you hauled yourself off of that three-foot ledge, aiming for Joel's heroic yet un-consenting arms, all in a slo-mo.

Joel literally had no choice but to catch you, so he did, and your fat ass made him fall backwards onto the ground where it really fucked up his 50 year old, seniors discount breakfast-ass back.

"Oh fuck," you said, like a wounded grandma.

Joel groaned. You two looked at one another in the face, quite close, cause you were literally on top of him? Like omg this is so rom-com! Enemies to lover's type! Except you were always his enemy and you always thought he'd be your lover <3

Time stood still as you looked into one another's eyes. It was as if the whole world had stopped, and it was only you two - you inspected every wrinkle, gray hair, blackhead - he was beautiful.

"Uh, guys! We need to go?!" Ellie shouted.

"Oh shit I forgot -" you said and bounced right up, remembering your shit, and back to leaving.

You three were back to running, since it was not only your favorite activity but a common pastime in apocalyptic worlds. You were up ahead, again fueled by your natural instincts needing to shit, its adrenaline pumping through your veins as if you were the Flaka fungi people. It caused you to momentarily ponder - is the real reason why all these zombies are irritable is because they need to shit but can't, so they've been backed up for YEARS? A shiver went down your neck at just the thought.

You turned a corner between buildings, before stopping again in your tracks. A whole fucking HERD OF THEM BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!

You were frozen, petrified, stunned, silenced. Your face couldn't help but go into its natural fight or flight state - the soy face. And a mega one at that.

Joel stopped, looked at you frightened.

"What? What is it?!" he asked desperately.

But there was no time. Cause guess what? There's now bandits!!!

Then THEY started to chase you. Fuck the clickers. Fuck an iClicker!

You couldn't help but giggle. You couldn't help but be amused. Why are a bunch of bandits chasing a girl in SpongeBob shorts? Like they think you got the goods like that?! What's a girl with Spongebob shorts got? A probable yeast infection?

You didn't realize it, but your giggles were actually audible. You sounded like Pops from Regular Show.

"I'm just a girl, like whaaaaaa?" you giggled and shouted, running still. "Like, leave me alone what the fuck?!?!? This is crazy omg!!!"

Even Joel was confused, running beside you, thinking, 'why is this bitch giggling?'

Even the bandits took notice and got weirded out. So weirded out they actually stopped chasing y'all. You were treating an ambush like a frolicking sesh in the garden.

You supposed it was your brain trying to protect you, seeing that you were in actual danger of being killed. Maybe you genuinely couldn't believe it? Who knows. (I'm not a psychologist I'm sam st. Clair)

You all finally made it to a supermarket, where you boarded yourselves up once you scoped the place out. It was nighttime now, hella dark out and you couldn't guess shit where y'all were at. You just relied that Joel knew, it was your default since he's the self-proclaimed Rick of this little posse y'all got.

Anyway, you three split off, maybe because you all were tired of all the socializing you guys did back there. You didn't mind being alone, it gave you the opportunity to fart without anyone around to sniff or judge, or both. Speaking of farting, you took your shit the moment you slammed your ass on the toilet in the back, where the manager's office was. Shit was monstrous and you were sure you might've contracted some of the fungi since you were so determined to sit down that you didn't notice spores all up on the seat. But oh well. Your ass did start to itch, but you relied on your body to figure it out.

You got so bored you decided to walk up and down the smelly aisles, then found a pack of untouched, one of a kind, rare finds, vintage ZooPals. You remembered that Joel was making dinner, so thought these would be perfect!

You grabbed them fast, then went to present them to him. He was not so impressed.

"Joel, check it," you said, acting as if you were Christian Bale in American Psycho showing off your business card.

"That's extra weight," he said, dismissively and went back to cooking the beans.

"Are you kidding me?! This is some fine China right here," you protested. "Your boomer ass might be having a dementia episode or something not remembering the sheer value of what it is to eat off a ZooPal's plate."

His demeanor got sadder. You feared you might've crossed the line with the dementia comment.

"No," he mumbled solemnly. "They remind me of my daughter."

Your face dropped.

"Yikes. Sorry about that luv," (when you felt awkward you opted to go British). You then walked away. Best avoid that <3

That night you guys ate the beans and left in the morning, since Joel said apparently a supermarket isn't the best place to hide. You weren't sure why - if they carried ZooPal's, who know what else they could be hiding?

You kept walking down the street until you found a car that looked recently used. Joel tried starting it with the cables and shit whatever they do in the movies when they jumpstart a car. Red wire blue wire green fish two fish one fish blue fish.

"Can I drive?" you asked. You weren't sure what got into you, you literally don't have a license. Not that traffic violations mattered in these parts, but because you couldn't even tell left from right.

He gave you a look. "Fine."

"That was easy," you said.

As he began fixing it up, Ellie pointed to an object on the dashboard.

"What's that?" she asked.

You looked.

Oh no.

Not on my car.

"No. Not on my fucking car."

You grabbed that octopus stuffed animal dashboard bullshit, swung and threw that shit so far that it broke a nearby high-rise apartment window and exploded. It was a bomb and you inadvertently just saved everyone's life.

"How'd you know that was a bomb?" Joel asked, incredulously.

You knew the answer was that you didn't know it was a bomb, it was cause you actually hated nothing more on this earth than those octopus dashboard plushies, because every bad driver in a BMW happens to have one, so you thought you should go with the flow.

"I told you. I worked for Escobar. I can smell a bomb," you said.

"Wow. That's a crazy nose you have. It's like your superpower," Ellie said, geeking out.

"If it really was a superpower, I'd been able to stop Oppenheimer," you said.

She didn't get it.

Joel looked up, again, confused why you would say that in the first place.

"Sorry, it's before your time," you said, moving on quickly.

The car started and you three hopped in, ready to drive y'alls asses OUT OF HERE! You were excited, feeling that this was gonna be like a little roadtrip movie.

It was only two miles since you guys have driven and you had to contain your giddiness. Joel definitely wasn't happy and Ellie was to herself in the back reading her nerd ass comics. You just looked crazy laughing to yourself. You were just looking forward to the roadtrip vibes, FINALLY you guys found an actual working car so no more walking no more dilapidated backs no more annoying backpacks and oh shit there's a spider.

"OH SHIT THERE'S A SPIDER!!!" you freaked, seeing it dance slowly from the roof, hanging onto its web and literally three inches away from your face. You began to move yourself away, moving the steering wheel with it and thus moving the whole car off the road.

"Okay, calm down I got it -" Joel said.

"No Joel it's that I can't dude no Joel get it GET IT!" you demanded, feeling like an entity just possessed you with how deep and demented your voice got from the fear.

"Just keep the damn car still I can't grab it!"

He really couldn't, the more you turned the car, the more the spider swayed into your face, causing you to turn the car more and causing Joel to have trouble actually getting it. He was getting frustrated.

"Joel, we're gonna crash!" Ellie cried, trying to hide behind the seat.

The screaming and shouting also wasn't helping the vibe at all.

"I can't dude no Joel it's that I can't BRO FUCK! GET THAT BITCH!" you kept crying, "I'M NOT JOKING BRO!"

"KEEP DAMN STILL -"

Y'all crashed.

The random light post just HAPPENED to be in the way. Thankfully you guys weren't hurt, you just fucked up the car bad. And Joel was pissed. When he's mad, he's quiet. And he was QUIET.

"Well that was short," Ellie said as you three just stood looking at the demolished car. "So what now?"

The 'what now' was actually that you guys found a safe house literally less than a mile away. God finally gave y'all a little break!

It was down the road, in a little suburb. It seemed to have belonged to others, since it was all boarded up and defensed up and the only sign of life left in the house was a infected fungi girl strapped to a chair in the bedroom, placed in front of a tv screen playing a VHS tape of Friends.

You thought it best to put it out of its misery, so you turned off the tv.

You patted her on the back, caring and lovingly as she snarled at you, "No one deserves to be forced to sit and watch Friends, not even in the apocalypse."

You closed the door, leaving her at peace and again, out of her her torture.

Time passed. Joel was about to start cooking beans and Ellie left to go take a much needed power nap in the guest bedroom. You offered Joel to rest and that you'd cook instead. Little did he know how much of an exclusive this was with you, bitch you didn't cook. But you felt pretty bad for the whole spider thing and thought, hey, what's a little cooking? What's a little meal prep?

Joel said his very weary 'thanks' and went to rest on the couch, while you went into the kitchen. He looked genuinely happy to see you take the responsibility. And you were genuinely happy in other places too at the idea of you cooking for him <3 and Ellie ofc. And yourself, who could forget your fat ass?

Time passed, maybe a little too long of a time to make beans, when you had finally finished. Though you were pretty sure all the garnishes left in the kitchen were expired and no, those are not flakes of oregano but flakes of mold, they actually came out pretty good. You prepped three beautiful plates, on the fine China (ZooPal's, Ellie got the duck plate, Joel the ladybug, and you the frog), and went to push the kitchen door to present your dish as if you were battling Bobby Flay on that one kitchen show with the other woman with white hair that looks like she'd be one of the emotions from Inside Out.

"Dinner's ready! -" you said cheerily, until you realized - it wasn't just Joel who would see your dish. Not Ellie. Not even Bobby Flay - it was the raiders. Again. They were all up in your living room, def crossing the maximum capacity. They just couldn't seem to get enough of you and you didn't want to come off as narcissistic but guessed your personality had to be addictive.

You all took a minute, assessing the situation. Actually, you ALL took that minute. You just stood there, plates filled with beans, and they stood there, guns filled with bullets, with Joel and Ellie on their knees with their wrists tied behind their backs.

The silence kept going.

You just stood there.

"Wait, so -," your bimbo ass said, very Trisha-esque, not even able to come to form a conclusion. You were just so confused. "Wait -"

And there it is again.

Someone tackled you. AGAIN.

Not only did your body go flying underneath the massive weight that just sumo slammed itself into you, but so did the beans. The beans? Yeah, they were airborne. The ZooPal plates? In flight.

The mass was actually a man who was attempting to zip tie your wrists now that he had you pinned down. However, he underestimated your irritability when you were hungry.

Mama's hungry.....and mama wants her beans.....and what mama wants...........mama GETS.........

You had just about had enough.

You threw him off with such strength that could only come with a girl's rage. A rage so deep, so visceral and seemingly uncontrollable, one that could set you back on all the self-help and patience exercises that you've practiced. No. That's it. She's gonna pop, and just like the shit from earlier - some things just cannot be held in forever.

You rose up, looking briefly over at the man who's back slammed against the window, where he then tumbled and tumbled to who knows what fate, but a fate just the same as that bloater earlier.

The raiders were too aghast at your abilities.

"I just, I can't," you started, panicky. "I can't hold it in anymore."

You almost started crying from the mania. You looked very unstable, cause you were.

You took a deep breath, but knew one thing - you've been holding this anger, this wrath in for so long, now it's time for her to be released.

One of the raiders caught on and began to back up. His buddies followed, scared, almost like watching a Jack in the box as a grown adult, but that childlike fear still imprinted in your innermost being.

"Hey listen, we'll just get out of -"

" - do you KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO FIND ANY FOOD OUT HERE WITH NO FUCKING MOLD ON IT?! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO COOK ROOM TEMPERATURE FUCKING BEANS ON A DINGY LAPTOP RUNNING ON SIMS 3?! IT TAKES A LONG FUCKING TIME!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW HUNGRY I'VE BEEN?!?!?! I'M THREE DAYS LATE ON MY FUCKING PERIOD AND I'VE BEEN FEIGNING FOR SOME FUCKING BEANS!!!! BEANS, BITCH!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW DESPERATE I'VE GOTTA BE FOR FOOD TO WANT BEANS?!?! I'M CRAVING ROOM TEMPERATURE BEANS LIKE A SOLDIER IN THE CIVIL FUCKING WAR!!!!! - (you lost them) - DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS?!??! THAT'S LIKE, ONE OF THE BIG DEAL WARS!?!??! WHATEVER AND NOW MY BEANS ARE ON THE GROUND LIKE DO I LOOK LIKE TRAVIS KELCE?! DO I LOOK LIKE A BITCH TO BE TACKLED ONTO THE FUCKING GROUND??!?!! DO I HAVE A SIGN ON ME THAT SAYS I'M A QUARTER BACK?!?! NO BITCH I WANT A QUARTER POUNDER!!!! AND NOW LOOK!!! 'UH, GUYS, WE HAVE COMPANY!!!!!'"

After your spew that gave you the same catharsis akin to rapping a Nicki Minaj verse word for word, they put their hands up in surrender and backed on out, suddenly becoming overly-friendly while you followed them out to the porch. You had the same aura as a a 'get off my property or I'll shoot' type.

"Sorry for disturbing you, ma'am."

"Have a nice day, Ms., sorry about that."

"Lovely house and beans."

"Have a good day."

"Bye bye now."

"THANK YOU, YES!! FUCKING LEAVE!!!! RED-COAT, QUARTERING ASS FUGLY ASS BITCHES!! OR Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS EITHER?!?! GO FIND A BOOK ON WARS THAT DON'T INVOLVE TOILET PAPER AND LEARN ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF BEANS YOU FUCKING SKID MARKS!!!!"

"Great plates."

"I like what you did with your hair, ma'am. Very unique."

"AND STAY OUT!!!!!! THIS IS MY OWN PRIVATE DOMICILE AND I WILL NOT BE HARASSED!!!!!!"

You turned back around into the house, overhearing one of their conversations as they got farther and farther (not only are you partially deaf, but you have super-hearing).

"I think that's the same girl from earlier, with the weird giggles from earlier?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. The Spongebob shorts, remember?"

"Oh, fuck. You're right."

You couldn't help but not smile hard. You like, lowkey did that? No violence or anything. MLK was lowkey right.

But that smile soon fell once you got back into the house, remembering what literally just happened. Seeing your hard work splattered all over the floor was like seeing your own world end. By then, Joel was already untied and had just finished Ellie's.

"That was INSANE!" Ellie said, excitedly. "Did you see their faces?! That was so sick!"

"Thanks, Ellie. I'm lowkey gonna cry now, so those words of positive affirmation do help."

"Wait, don't," Joel said, oddly caring.

"Of course I'm gonna cry! I'M FUCKING HUNGRY oh my god what's that?"

Joel had reached into his bag, pulling out three very familiar containers.

"I'd, uh, hope we could be eatin' this, too," he said sheepishly, as he revealed they were perfect condition, ready-to-eat, beautifully displayed fat rolls of sushi.

You at the very moment became a belieber in spontaneous combustion, because you'd never been so hot so quick, it was just too hot. Joel was too hot. Sushi was too hot too, and he got you sushi?! That's like double the hot! This is Hot Ones DA BOMB!!

"Oh my god, Joel - you didn't," you held your hands to your face, in such happiness and surprise. It looked as if Joel had just proposed to you and the ring was a singular spicy tuna roll.

Joel smiled softly, a rarity around these parts. You found that glimpse of another side of him so interesting, intriguing - attractive. You always knew he was hot, and knew you wouldn't say no to your bestowed Rick, but DAMN like Kendrick's 2017 hit-album he was fine as FUCK right now.

"Contain it girl, contain it," the voices told yourself.

"How'd you get this?!" you asked, taking it as he reached them out for you. You inspected them, you weren't sure if it was because you were hallucinating from the hunger, but they looked exactly like Studio Ghibli food, your fat ass was about to feast. You felt the salivation like those rabies victims outside.

"I'm a smuggler. It's my job," he said, which you swore was flirting-ly but unfortunately didn't have any of your girls around to tell this too and get their opinion :( so you decided to live with your delusion that it was!

You wanted to kiss him so bad for that, you could've cried. And you did.

You three sat around the campfire, eating, talking, laughing, all good vibes. Ellie had finally tried sushi for the first time and loved it, as you went on to explain the days of the Barbenheimer summer. (You thought she needed to dip her toes into Oppenheimer lore somehow already.)

"Hey, sorry you guys had to see me like that," you said, finishing your roll. "I just get like, really annoyed when people stop me from eating food when I'm hungry. Like, that's me time, you know? It's personal."

"What are you talking about?! That was so good! They were shitting their pants!" asked Ellie.

"Lol me," you spat. You hoped they didn't catch that.

"You - you really scared them off there," mustered Joel, impressed.

"Thanks," you said, taking whatever compliment that man could give to heart.

"If only we had you during our shootout, back at the Target," Joel said. "I thought you were a runner, first time I saw you."

"Why's that?"

"You had all that," he motioned to his face, "red stuff, all on your mouth and chin. Thought it was blood."

"Oh, that was Chef Boyardee! You know him?"

Did he know him.

Did he know him?

Girl he was a single father once of course he knew him.

And what else did he know?

He knew he was in love with you, in love with Y/N...

"I, uh, love -"

"- Joel loves Chef Boyardee. He got all excited when he found a can, once," Ellie said, interrupting him.

"Because that's what the Chef intended with his creation," you said, not really one hundred percent sure what that meant. And neither did Joel or Ellie. Anyway,

Time passed, you guys cleaned up and Ellie had gone to sleep.

You and Joel were sat on the swinging bench on the porch outside, passing your blueberry fume back and forth like a blunt (it actually wasn't dead, contrary to popular belief). He wasn't really a fan, but didn't want to tell you no.

You'd been out for some time, enjoying the warm (lowkey hot) breeze and of course, Joel's company. He was a man of few words, unfortunately, but it did make him hotter. Like, why so mysterious?

"So how'd you really get that sushi?" you asked, after some unimportant small talk.

"When we were at the supermarket," he said. "Wanted to surprise you."

"That's so hot," you said immediately.

"What?"

"It's so hot right now, that's what I meant," you spat and took your fume from him, taking in an unnecessarily giant hit.

"Well, wanna go back inside?"

"Nah."

"Okay?"

Another silence.

"You know, I wanted to uh, thank you, for being nice with Ellie and all," he said, "it's uh, it's nice."

"No probs. She's funny. Reminds me of a younger TikTok-obsessed cousin, you know? The kind you're excited to see on Christmas?"

"Yeah, yeah. I understand," he said. He didn't.

The silence continued. And you had to admit, it was getting awkward. Something needed to happen. And your pervert mind knew what would be perfect right now -

" - My daughter loved Chef Boyardee," Joel then said, really out of nowhere.

You turned to him. For a moment, you genuinely forgot he had a daughter. You didn't really like comforting people when you were horned up, but there was no escaping this. Who knows if he's ever said this before? Maybe you're the one - the special one - that gets to hear this exclusive tidbit. So you complied. Sometimes people needed a shoulder to lean on, so you decided right there and then, (and apparently Joel too), that you'd be that shoulder...

"That's crazy," you said. So little words, yet so much meaning.

"It is," he said, smoking the fume.

"My ex-sugar daddy, the guy that I told you about, do you remember?" you asked, he nodded his head. He did remember. "Well, yeah, he actually had a health scare once. Chef Boyardee, specifically the ravioli, was all he ate when he was separated from his wife. She used to cook all these real pasta dishes, so when he was living on his own he was pretty much incapable of cooking anything besides a bowl of cereal. He just ate Chef Boyardee ravioli all day and his cholesterol went up. It was crazy."

"Huh."

"Yeah. And it was kinda weird, you know, because he was Italian. I didn't think Italians accepted the Chef as one of their own."

"I guess he did."

"Yeah. I miss him."

Joel turned to you.

You realized your mistake. You DON'T bring up an ex on the first date hello?!?! HELLO (@ALL THE BOYS IN THE WORLD HELLO?!?!?!)

"I mean, I miss the old world, you know. Like, how you miss your daughter," you explained. "Association and all."

"I'm sorry if I'm a little, you know," he said, "If I don't come off very - personable. You've, uh, been a great help to us both. To me."

"Of course! It's okay. It's kinda hard to keep manners going when more than half of the population are demented cannibals and the other wanna rob you all the time."

You both smiled softly. You provided him the warmth he needed, the warmth that could always greet him at the end of the day, reminding him that there's always room for warmth. You are his sun, his warmth. You're his heating pad, the warmth of a heating pad.

"I don't, I don't say this much. Not at all, actually, not until you brought up the 'association' thing, but - you remind me of the old world," he said.

Your ass couldn't help but smile.

"Oh my god Joel that's like so sweet!" you said, before jumping on him to give him a big hug! He hugged tightly back, he then threw you back on the bench and you felt his member pressed against your leg. He then began kissing you, his tongue licking your lips for entrance. You let him in. Your tongues fought for dominance but you let him win. He eventually started going down on you, taking your "I <3 ORLANDO" Spongebob-themed PJ shorts off, and started kissing your labia.

"This...this is a labia," he said, his southern drawl coming out in full force.

"Oh my god this is just like my fic!"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

You lifted your legs as he began to eat you out, his wet breath on your cooter. He held your foot up and raised himself, ready to press his member into your entrance. Your eyes were closed, ready to take the man from Austin, Texas in. This is it. No Flaka girls, no fungus-infested toilets, no Chef Boyardee-obsessed raiders, nothing - just you and Joel.

Hope you enjoyed!

xoxo,

~Sam St. Clair

P.S. - I'm not actually dead! I've been in hospital. So, almost. I've now learned that sanding your tires down to make them look cleaner and smoother and prettier is actually quite dangerous.

xoxo, again,

~Sam St. Clair

[ethicaltreatmentofcowplants]

Asylum Challenge: Day 12

(Nothing to see here - just Vlad very excitedly browsing through Trendi by the looks of his current get-up)

This was the first of three days where Wicked Whims... kind of got out of hand until everyone figured out what they were into, I guess 🤔. Also I realised that I'd set the lot to the FLIRTY trait for one day and forgot about it which was... a chaotic combination to put it mildly.

So while nothing explicit will be shown, just something to keep in mind, I guess?

Look at her, look at her, she's no good at yoga. I had considered a Spa Day pack aspiration, since Lilac will likely need the inner peace going forward, but then I saw how grindy they all were.

So... Lady of the Knits!

Level One: Humble Knitter

❌ Knit for 5 Hours (2/5) ❌ Start 3 Knitting Projects While Inspired (0/3) ✅ Knit on a Rocking Chair

No, she isn't Whims related below the waist - it's just flesh toned underwear. (I had to take a second look too.)

Another early riser (easy for someone who doesn't need to go to bed) was Vlad. Along with Rory. The two... well, one occult heavyweight, and one tissueweight, actually managed to have a civil moment, perhaps with music loving Rory appreciating Vlad's skill on the piano.

Oh wait, L. is up. There goes the ceasefire, if not the entire neighbourhood.

Meanwhile the Roswells had a moment over breakfast. Could a GOOD traited Sim and her EVIL husband ever make their marriage work? Now that they're played Sims, apparently not.

While Lilac took a THOUGHTFUL SHOWER to get those creative juices flowing (takes on a whole new meaning with this mod 😬), Jacques woke up in a sad mood thanks to those voices in his head.

Clearly whatever leftover gourmet dish that Raj made the night before was the only cure.

Meanwhile Ted apparently tried to enlist Vlad in order to sway Meredith over to their EVIL ways, but as Vlad was seemingly more interested in having Ted's opinion on his potential Trendi buys, it wasn't working. Thanks to their POSSESSED late night strolls and chats, Ted is the one person in the household other than Lilac who has a positive relationship with Vlad.

As unlike L., for the most part Vlad is actually trying to be cordial to most of the household, the Watcher does lowkey feel sorry for him about this.

THOUGHTFUL SHOWER did the trick, and Lilac was able to start her three inspired knitting projects! Since that glitch where you can't resume projects is still hanging around, she wasn't able to finish them, but we'll take any loophole that we can get.

Rory started a new freelance career as a programmer (great way to work on her handiness too being a werewolf I guess 👍) while Meredith apparently didn't get the memo that On Wednesdays, We Do Crafting Hour.

Lilac kindly pointed out that mixology with the globe bar just over there would count as a creative skill. Perhaps as a result of her less than stellar relationship with Ted, Meredith appears to have decided that yes, actually a drink sounds real good right about now.

Ted literally could have gone and done anything else in the house, but instead he goes and plays Road Warrior or whatever near where Rory is trying to work, and freaks out because he's next to a transformed woof-woof. I don't think that Rory's the problem here...

Raj seemingly did not appreciate the Watcher telling him to make himself useful and to take out the trash.

It must have frozen over in Tartosa and the gameplay hell that is the My Wedding Stories pack, because L. was actually nice to Lilac! Oh right, the Watcher got her to 'scope the surroundings,' and Lilac is apparently 'very attractive' to her too.

The Watcher set the one person in the household who doesn't need to eat on the task of cooking dinner, mainly so that he's close by so that I can cancel his autonomously eating it when he has the vampire weakness where food makes him sick. Because he has a knowledge related aspiration, he's actually at a decent culinary level.

Looks like L.'s niceness allotment for the year is about to expire.

Ted and Jacques were impressed with Raj's alleged unaliving of a workplace rival, offered to recruit him to the round table of villainy. He said that he's good, thank you.

Yup, L.'s niceness streak aged like warm milk. And a reminder that she thinks Lilac is hot too!

While Vlad wisely stayed out of things by doing the dishes (he acquired the NEAT trait at some point, which is very useful to have in the household's vampire), Rory must have taken issue with L.'s meanness, because next minute they went outside, Rory was walking in with a spring in her step and L. was bruised and battered.

Just how long is it going to take these apparent occult geniuses to learn not to forbidden word with Rory?

Lilac must have been especially appreciative of her shieldmaiden in furry armour, because well. This was the one animation it was safe to show you. In fairness, it's a pretty cute one.

In less exciting news, Lilac is now on the second stage of the Knitting aspiration.

Level Two: Thread Setter

❌ Achieve Level 4 of the Knitting Skill (3/4) ❌ Knit While Listening to Music ❌ Sell a Knitted Object on Plopsy

My head is feeling full and gluggy so I may post the next couple of days in a few hours.

[teecupangel]

I saw this amazing idea from another fandom that could be used to keep Desmond alive: his ghost possessing his own body. Not only that but whenever ghost! Desmond gets out of his body it becomes zombie! Desmond so there's two Desmond's sharing a body while trying to live(heh) in the modern time.

Oohhh, this sounds interesting.

Does this mean that Desmond’s body starts to decompose when he’s not in his body?

Or would that be too much and we’ll just let zombie!Desmond act as a usual zombie, looking for ‘food’.

Now, there should be a reason why Desmond would willingly (or unwillingly) stay out of his body. It could be that there is a limitation placed on the possession itself and Desmond could only stay for around half a day and the other half has to be him floating around as a ghost. He learns of this because the first time he returned to his body, he tried to stay there as long as he could and he’s just yanked out of the body after exactly 12 hours.

Of course, the first time this happens, he was still imprisoned in an Abstergo facility and… well… zombie!Desmond definitely had a lot of preys to eat then.

… does this mean that Desmond could accidentally start a zombie apocalypse.

Thankfully, the moment zombie!Desmond started attacking people, the entire facility went on lockdown and dropped heavy roll up covers for all entrances and exits, including windows.

This did mean that everyone is stuck inside with a growing zombie horde courtesy of zombie!Desmond.

And ghost!Desmond is just floating nearby, freaking out because he knows how this is played.

He does not want to be patient zero!

He tries to get back to zombie!Desmond but he’s pulled away each time, only able to take control for maybe 3 to 5 minutes.

Until…

12 hours passed and Desmond finally takes control.

As every single zombie turned to face him.

Because he no longer registers as one of them.

No.

He registered as ‘prey’.

And Desmond slips out of his body voluntarily this time, letting zombie!Desmond take control before the other zombies attack him.

And now…

He has to think of a way…

To kill every zombies here in approximately 12 hours… without the zombies attacking him and before Abstergo remotely opens the roll up covers to find out what has happened.

.

Berg and Sigma team enters the building from above later on.

They had lost contact with the facility 25 hours ago, the last transmission they received was an automatic message from the facility’s security system summarizing that the lockdown was due to an unknown highly volatile virus of unknown origins.

The security system cut off all connection to the outside world per protocol (a protocol that become the norm after an unknown hacker that has no connection to Erudito hacked a different facility and used the connection to send out different viruses to other facilities, many classified information were destroyed during the attack, including data about known Isus and Sages). Protocol states they wait 24 hours for any communications from the people in the facility or the security system before trying to breach the facility.

There was nothing.

And when they got there…

The security system had been destroyed together with all the recordings in the facility and its own black box.

And the entire place…

… was nothing more than a place of death.

No one survived.

There were signs that they had killed one another.

No.

They tried to eat each other.

Was this…

The ‘virus’ that the security system had pinged?

They could not be sure.

All they knew was…

The underground parking lot’s cover was not locked.

A person could lift it up and slip out before it fell back down.

So they had to make sure…

… to account for every single person.

Because if this was a real virus that can do such a thing…

They were looking for a potential carrier.

“Sir. Sofia Rikkin is in line 1.”

Berg nodded at the man to his right before he clicked a button on the portable radio connected to his earpiece, “This is Berg.”

“Is this right, Berg? You counted 80 bodies?”

That did not sound good. Sofia Rikkin was usually calm and a bit cold but she sounded like she was ready to tear Berg’s throat out if he said the wrong thing.

“We’re recounting the bodies but, yes. Our initial and second counting both-”

“There should be 81 bodies, Berg.”

Berg looked at the tablet in his other hand, “The list of personnel in this facility when it went on lockdown says eigh-”

“Because it’s not a personnel.”

He really wished she’d stop cutting him off.

But it was more important to hear what she was saying right now.

“Berg. The 81st body is the 2nd attempt to create an Isu body. A lot of data were destroyed during the attack years back so we used Sample 17 to plug the missing links.”

“Are you saying the possibly missing 81st body is Desmond Miles?”

“… possibly. Find that body, Berg. There haven’t been any tests done to that body yet so we don’t know what it can do. For all we know…”

“… it could be the original carrier of this unknown virus.”

[ms-m-astrologer]

Transiting Venus enters Leo

Thursday, July 11 - Sunday, August 4, 2024

Hot girl summer up here, north of the equator - I guess south of it, the days are warmed by Venus’ rays?

This transit, like summer’s lease, hath all too short a date - it really is (or can be) a fun time. We don’t quite take things so seriously, we’re a little more forgiving of others and ourselves. How it plays out through Venus’s areas:

Art - tending for the performing arts here, dance and drama as well as music. We can get very creative, maybe expressing ourselves a little more openly and honestly than usual. If we want to try something new, this encourages us.

Beauty - fun, spa-type treatments during which we are royally pampered. If Venus aspects your Ascendant or its ruler, this is an excellent time for a makeover.

Love - oh, Venus here loves, all right. We behold our loved one(s) and literally light up. We’re lavish with them; we can’t do enough to show the strength of our ardor. (Downside: we can’t always accept that other people get to exercise free will, too, ie, nobody has to love us back.)

Money - can be an utter tightwad and miser; also can joyously piss away every last penny for one moment’s pleasure. We’re inclined to spend on luxury items, and to make sure everyone is having a good time.

We’re starting and ending the transit with challenges from two of the transpersonal planets - all three, if I were to add Neptune (an inconjunct on August 4, maturing about seven hours before Venus enters Virgo). Remember what I wrote about other people having free will, too? I think that’s going to be a theme. Anyway, the following aspects are valid a day or so on either side.

Friday, July 12 - Venus/Leo opposite Pluto Rx/Aquarius, 1°07’. We’re rebuffed, rejected, &/or refused. Or, we’re trying like hell to rebuff/reject/refuse someone who won’t take “no” for an answer. Someone else (it’s an opposition) thinks we need to be taken down a peg, or we make that call about someone else. Issues about authenticity and honesty.

Friday, July 19 - Venus/Leo trine North Node/Aries, sextile South Node/Libra, 10°14’. This can be a teaching moment during which we discover that being direct and honest can be just as effective as being manipulative and passive-aggressive. We could charm our way into something, but we could also be a little bolder and more open. And speaking of charm….

Sunday, July 21 - Venus/Leo sextile Jupiter/Gemini, 12°30’. The two “benefics” flowing together can be very lucky. It’s a sextile, so we need to actively do something about/with the good fortune.

Tuesday, July 23 - Venus/Leo conjunct Vesta/Leo, 15°10’. Adds a bit of dedication and devotion to Venus. Might be to an artistic project as well as to a person. We can also work on loving ourselves!

Sunday, July 28 - Venus/Leo square Pallas/Scorpio, 20°57’. Hang-ups and blockages in sexuality and intimacy. Are we coming on too strong? Tension between a creative project and a relationship is another potential manifestation.

Tuesday, July 30 - Venus/Leo trine Chiron Rx/Aries, 23°31’. Great energy for apologizing, and really meaning it. And for forgiving others, too. Make-up sex. Deliberately doing something fun that heals by making us feel happy.

Thursday, August 1 - Venus/Leo trine Eris Rx/Aries, 25°29’. Women’s rights! This is another aspect that encourages us to be honest and authentic. It’s still disruptive, but in a fun way.

Friday, August 2 - Venus/Leo square Uranus/Taurus, 26°51’. About this aspect, astrologer Steven Forrest wrote, “Love and trust should enhance our freedom rather than diminishing it.” To which I add, for both partners equally! Not everyone is going to love us back the way we want them to - and if we keep “picking” people who don’t, we need to ask ourselves if we really want any relationships in the first place.

And since I mentioned it:

Sunday, August 4 - Venus/Leo inconjunct Neptune Rx/Pisces, 29°38’. Adjustments needing to be made - maybe taking off the rose-colored glasses and seeing reality? Disillusionment. A reminder (a nudge) from our spiritual sides.

[astra-galaxie]

🫂😬👻💝💔❤️‍🔥 for zara tien??? ‘w’

I hope that when I write season 6, I can do Zara and the team justice! I appreciate getting requests like this because they help me think about their characters in ways I wasn’t able to while playing Travel in Time!

(Nothing against the season itself, the gameplay just sucked, and I couldn't get into it like I could with the other seasons.)

That being said, please enjoy these headcanons for Zara!

🫂 A friendship headcanon

Zara will always have her friends’ backs, no matter how big or scary her opponent is. She never backs down from a fight, especially to protect someone she cares about. She has given people countless black eyes, cuts, bruises and even some broken bones. If you think you can get away with hurting one of Zara’s friends, then you better have a good hiding spot because Zara WILL get her revenge!

👻 A headcanon about what scares them

Zara is scared of being alone. Growing up, she didn’t have many people she could trust or rely on; for the most part, she raised herself. And while she likes having alone time, that doesn't mean she wants to be alone. That is why she tries to spend a lot of time with Theo and Kai. Even when they’re apart, Zara doesn't feel alone, but she still prefers having at least one of her boyfriends or a friend with her to fill the void she fears.

💝 A headcanon about their love language

Zara loves giving and receiving physical affection. Head pats, hugs, kisses, holding hands, and cuddling always make her feel loved. She grew up touch-starved, and while she didn’t realize how much it was hurting her since she had gone without it most of her life, Zara came to use touch as a way to show her love. And with Theo and Kai, she can give and get double the affection!

💔 An angsty headcanon

SOMBRA nearly successfully recruited Zara. She was 12 at the time of their defeat by the Bureau and had been targeted as a potential recruit during their final year of operation. She hadn't gotten far enough into the program to be experimented on, but she did participate in The Hunt alongside other recruits. She thought the things SOMBRA was promising were good and that she would help the world become a better palace, but after the Bureau freed her following The Hunt and she was placed into the Spring Angels Foundation, Zara realized how terrible SOMBRA was.

She’s yet to bring up her past with SOMBRA to her team, mainly because of Jack and Marina. She’s seen them look at her as if they should remember her, but Zara’s always deflected their questions. Maybe one day she’ll tell them the truth, but for now, that secret is best left in the shadows…

😬 A headcanon about the worst thing they’ve done

(I moved this one to relate it to the angsty headcanon.)

Having been recruited by SOMBRA, Zara did many things to prove her worth to them. Along with participating in The Hunt, she also committed minor crimes for them, like stealing. One such crime involved her breaking into a small shop to steal their money. SOMBRA had given Zara a gun to defend herself, but she was scared to use it. Given the late hour, she thought she wouldn’t need it, but she got caught while stuffing the money from the safe into her bag. In the ensuing panic, Zara shot the man who caught her, thankfully not killing him, but she did shoot him in his kneecap. Zara couldn't believe what she’d done and ran before the cops arrived, but the man’s screams of pain still haunt her.

❤️‍🔥 A romantic headcanon

Zara HATED when Theo and Kai were fighting over her. She loved both of them but had no idea how to tell them or if they would accept her feelings. But being stuck on a time machine gives you plenty of time to figure things out. In the end, Zara confesses to Theo and Kai, and in turn, the men are able to set aside their rivalry and replace it with love.

The downside to being stuck in a time machine is that you're stuck in a ship with your teammates, which leads to them being almost caught and caught in several intimate situations. But Zara, Theo, and Kai didn’t care if they got caught; as long as they were being caught together, it was fun, especially when Jack once walked in on them making out and left screaming that he needed to bleach his eyes.

There we go! Another ask down and on to the next one! Thank you for the request!

[sirfrogsworth]

Regarding your Plex server, do you have any tips for compressing media to save space?

Right now, almost all 1080p content is encoded in the H.264 codec. So my biggest tip would be to convert all of your H.264 content to a newer codec called H.265 10-bit.

First, you'll want to make sure that all of the devices you play media on can handle the H.265 10-bit codec. Pretty much any device that says it can do 4K HDR will suffice. It's okay if you have a device that can't do this, as Plex can transcode your media as you watch it, but you are going to use up a lot of computer resources and it can also be slow and buggy.

So to get the best experience, I would definitely recommend upgrading anything that cannot do H.265 10-bit. Thankfully, even the cheapest $30 4K Fire TV Stick is capable.

H.265 allows you to heavily compress your media and maintain quality. The 10-bit color, even if the original file was 8-bit, can reduce color banding in gradients which can often be a consequence of compressing video.

The rule of thumb is you can reduce the file size by 50% of H.264 and not take a hit on image quality. But you can actually go beyond that and still get acceptable quality.

Yes, H.264 will play on pretty much any device these days, but eventually that will be true of H.265. So if saving space is more important than dealing with a few compatibility issues that may crop up (and are usually solvable), then you can definitely shrink the size of your media library while maintaining image quality.

The bad news is that converting your media, depending on how much you have, could take a while. Even with a super beefy computer, compressing in H.265 is a slow process. And you can't use hardware encoding because that is meant more for streaming than media preservation.

Also, I do not recommend compressing 4K content at this time. Only 1080p. Re-encoding and compressing a 4K file takes more time than it is worth. A 4K movie could take 12 to 24 hours even on a very fast computer. Though if you have a 4K file and you don't care if it is 1080p, that might be worth it.

Handbrake is pretty much the only game in town as far as re-encoding your media. It can have a learning curve if you want to use it to its full potential, but there are a ton of decent presets you can use if you don't have the time to learn the fine details of what everything does.

I can give you some recommendations for a few important settings.

In the video tab...

I'd start by finding a preset that is close to your end goal. In this case I chose the H.265 MKV 1080p30 preset in the "Matroska" presets that I will slightly tweak.

I usually want to make MKV files because they can hold subtitles in the file container without a separate subtitle file. I want H.265 10-bit. Most of my content is 1080p. And most of it is 24fps, so I'll just ignore the 30 frames the preset uses and change it later.

So once you select the preset, change framerate to "same as source" to just carry over whatever it was originally. You do not want to monkey with the framerate unless you have a really good reason.

You'll want "constant quality" selected. And then the RF or "rate factor" is basically how much compression you want to use. A lower number is less compression and a higher number is more compression. Once you have experience using Handbrake you'll be able to make a pretty good guess at what RF you should use, depending on the content. But I can give you some basic guidelines for you to test out.

When picking an RF, a higher number will give you a smaller file and a lower number will reduce the chances of creating unwanted compression artifacts. Since you are doing 10-bit, that will help a lot with color banding, but if you overcompress you may get unsightly blocks, especially in dark and fast moving scenes. If you watch dark content on YouTube, you probably know what I mean.

So before I compress media, I ask myself a few questions...

How important is this content to me?

Is good image quality what makes this content special?

Does this content have a lot of dark or fast moving scenes?

If this is my favorite show or movie, then I am going to want to preserve it at the highest possible quality. Or if the content is a visual spectacle, like Avatar, then I am going to want to make sure I preserve visual fidelity. And if this content is prone to compression artifacts due to dark and/or fast moving scenes, like a horror movie or an action movie, I am going to want to use less compression to avoid distracting artifacts.

However, if it is just a game show I like to put on in the background, I might not care if I compress it more. As long as it is watchable, I am not going to be precious about the compression quality.

Typically I choose an RF between 17 and 24.

17 will give bigger file sizes but will almost never create compression artifacts that were not already in the original content to begin with. This is for the stuff you really care about. Your absolute favs.

And if it is the game show I play in the background, I will probably choose 24.

But all of that space in between 17 and 24 is where you have to figure out what you can tolerate for different media. It may take some trial and error and test encodes to figure out what you prefer.

Like, when I compressed Law & Order for my mom, I knew that wasn't a huge visual spectacle. So I did 22. But for an action movie for my dad, I'd probably do 20 because of all of the fast moving scenes. And for my precious Batman TAS cartoons, I went with 17 because I wanted those files to be as close to perfect as possible.

The final slider I will talk about is the encoding speed. In the image above the preset is set to "slow." This ranges from "very slow" to "ultra fast." (Don't use placebo.) This setting basically allows Handbrake to either take its time and figure out the absolute best and most efficient compression... or to hurry up and just get the job done.

Think of this as the efficiency slider. If you give your computer more time to think, your compression will be more efficient. It will be the best compression possible for the quality RF you chose.

If you set it to a slower speed you will be able to get smaller file sizes with fewer compression artifacts, even if your chose a higher RF. But it could take one file many hours to encode.

At faster speeds your filesizes will get a little bigger and there is a chance some compression artifacts may sneak into your video, even if you chose a lower RF.

It's a little confusing, because the RF is supposed to be the only factor in image quality. But the encoding speed does factor in a little bit too. Especially in difficult to compress dark or fast scenes.

I was pretty happy with the "medium" setting. I have a fast computer with a lot of CPU cores and a lot of free time. So I didn't mind how long it took. But I actually think the "fast" and "faster" setting still gave great results while still shrinking file sizes.

Again, if it is super important to you, maybe do medium or slow for those files. Otherwise the fast setting is probably acceptable for most other things.

And finally the audio tab...

You are not going to get much benefit from compressing the audio. You might save a few megabytes. So I highly recommend just preserving whatever the original audio was. And you do this by selecting a "Passthru" codec. Handbrake will not touch the audio data and just copy it exactly to the new file.

However... if there is an audio codec that you know does not play nice with one of your devices, then you might want to convert it to something that works better. Though if you are using Plex, it can usually transcode audio without using significant CPU resources.

When I finished converting my media collection, I think I calculated that I saved myself about 20 TB of hard drive space when all was said and done. I think I have around 250 shows and 2000 movies. This left me a lot more room to keep more 4K content that is not worth compressing.

I definitely recommend watching some Handbrake tutorials and learning about some of the other functions. I also recommend learning how to do "batch encoding" so you can set up a bunch of files and just let your computer compress while you aren't using it.

But I covered the most important settings to get your started. Definitely do some tests and familiarize yourself with the process before you start converting your entire media collection.

I hope that was helpful. I promise explaining it is a lot harder than picking a few settings and hitting "start."

[torreshalstead]

I’ll show you mine - part 13

Summary - He didn’t fit. His clothes were too nice, his hair too neat, he was raising all the red flags for Hailey. She didn’t think he was part of the crew she was trying to take down, but why else would he be in such an establishment on a random Tuesday night? But then he muttered the words into her ear that she had least expected - ‘I’m police’.

Chapters - 13/13

Notes - Thanks so much for your love on this story, I hope you enjoy this ending! ❤️ AO3 Link

Hailey couldn’t deny she was nervous. She and Jay had spent a long time discussing their decision, the possible repercussions for their positions and their relationship and how they were going to go about it. Although she was certain they had come to the correct conclusion, that telling Voight was the next logical step, it still didn’t lessen her nerves.

Jay had been released from the hospital after telling his brother that if he wanted him to stay overnight he was going to have to sedate him, so Will reluctantly agreed that he could go home but only if Hailey went with him. Neither were opposed to that idea. Although Jay had been signed off until he had time to heal, he’d be coming back on desk duty next week which he was thrilled about, they decided to grab the bull by the horns and tell Voight the following day.

‘We can wait until you’re back full time,’ Hailey had suggested, the pair cuddled up on the couch together making sure Jay’s shoulder was supported by a strategically placed cushion with Hailey leaning against his opposite side.

‘Tomorrow Hails, we do it tomorrow,’ Jay had said calmly, dropping a gentle kiss to her hairline.

‘Only if you’re sure,’ she responded.

‘I’m positive, otherwise the next few weeks it’ll just play on both our minds,’ Jay said and with that the decision had been made. They had only a few more hours for their secret relationship to remain a secret and then they would out themselves to the one man who could potentially have an issue with it.

Hailey also needed to speak to Kim. She wanted to speak to her. She had appreciated Kim not outing her in front of Kevin and for the offer of some time just the two of them. She knew she would probably give her a bit of shit for keeping it a secret but judging by the grin on her face in the waiting room, she would be happy for them. It would be nice to not have to keep it hidden from everyone, teasing aside.

They had decided to head into the bullpen before everyone else to save any additional questions as to Jay’s prescience when he was ordered to be recuperating at home, so when they walked up the stairs it was just them. Voight’s office door was closed but the light was on, an indicator that their boss was in early as expected.

She stopped herself from reaching across to hold Jay’s good hand, use it to ground herself and to take some of his courage - he was much calmer about this situation than she was. She guessed it was probably because he knew Voight better than she did, and had more of an idea of the reaction they could expect when they dropped the proverbial bombshell. But she also wondered if it was something he hadn’t quite considered yet, he had less to lose than she did.

Ignoring the internal misogyny that the Chicago police department fostered regarding relationships between officers, Hailey was still new to the unit. And as the age old adage said, last one in, first one out. Jay would be a hell of a bigger loss to the team and to Voight than she would be. She was still learning, whereas he had years of experience in the role. If Voight was going to get rid of either of them to keep his no relationship rule intact, she would be the one out the door.

She didn’t think Jay would consciously be thinking about it, probably hadn’t even crossed his mind, but it could be a reason why he had a much calmer attitude than she did. She could feel her palms sweating already and they were still at least 12 feet from the door that held their fate behind it.

‘I love you,’ Jay whispered, clearly sensing her unease as they walked towards it.

‘I love you too,’ she replied, because she did. Loving him was never the problem.

Jay reached the door first and rapped a couple of times with his knuckles before Voight’s gruff response told them to come in.

‘Is there a reason you’re disobeying doctors orders Halstead?’ Voight said, pushing back a little from his desk and crossing his arms.

‘Technically shift hasn’t started yet,’ Jay responded, a small smirk playing on his cheeks.

‘Hmm,’ Voight hummed. ‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’ He asked, gesturing between the pair of them. Hailey had closed the door behind her and had taken up a position standing next to Jay, not too close though.

‘Hailey and I had something we wanted to tell you,’ Jay said clearly, his voice not wavering.

‘Is this about your relationship?’ Voight asked without missing a beat. That beat was something Hailey’s heart definitely did miss.

They had been so careful, she was sure of it. She knew they had had a few close calls in the break room but no one had ever seen them. Had they?

‘It is,’ Jay said, still calm and confident. Hailey would say she was impressed if she wasn’t currently feeling confused and a little scared. ‘We need to fill in that HR paperwork to declare a pre-existing relationship.’

‘Pre-existing?’ Voight cocked an eyebrow in question.

‘Hailey and I got together before she started in Intelligence,’ Jay confirmed. Hailey wished she could speak up for herself, she was a Detective and could speak to hardened criminals in any kind of situation, but as it turns out, discussing your romantic relationship with your boss - much harder.

‘And you didn’t declare it before?’ Voight asked.

‘We wanted Hailey to get a fair shot in the unit and the district. Not to be marked just because she was in a relationship with me,’ Jay said.

Voight hummed again, choosing not to comment on what Jay had said.

‘If it’s an issue to have two detectives together in the same unit, you transfer me,’ Jay said and Hailey felt her heart drop. They hadn’t discussed this. They were to go in as a united front, use their pre-existing status as a shield, but Jay was offering himself up in a sacrificial move. He loved Intelligence, she knew he did.

She just hadn’t factored that maybe he loved her more.

‘Hailey brings a lot to this unit, her leadership and her skills. It would be detrimental for her to leave, and damage the team spirit. I can be replaced. So if one of us needs to go. It’s me.’

‘Sounds like you’re telling me what to do Halstead,’ Voight growled.

‘No Sargeant,’ Jay said, shaking his head a little. ‘I’m just saying if that’s the path you want to take, that will be the end it will reach. I’ll walk before Hailey leaves Intelligence.’

‘Platt’s got the paperwork already filled in,’ Voight said after pausing to consider Jay’s words.

‘Sir?’ Hailey said, finally finding her voice.

‘You’re a superb undercover cop Upton, but you gave yourself away when Halstead here took a bullet.’ Hailey blushed slightly but Voight seemed to ignore the change in pigment. ‘You were close to barging me out of the way to get to the ambulance.’

Hailey dropped her head, embarrassed that she had given the game away by her inability to control her emotions.

‘But you didn’t,’ Voight continued. Hailey’s head shot up. ‘You kept your head and continued to work the case.’

She nodded and could see Jay looking at her out of the corner of her eye but she didn’t risk looking across to him.

‘So, go sign the paperwork and don’t make me regret my decision,’ Voight finished. If Hailey didn’t know better she would have sworn she saw a hint of a smile playing on the Sergeants lips.

‘We won’t, sir,’ Hailey said with Jay echoing her comment behind her.

She wanted to jump for joy, throw herself at Jay and hug him tightly, injured shoulder be damned. However she thought that might not sit well when they had just been told to not make Voight regret it, so she controlled herself and walked into the bullpen, Jay following her behind her.

But when the door clicked shut, she pulled him into a hug.

‘You didn’t have to do that,’ she murmured, his t-shirt muffling her voice.

‘I did,’ Jay said, pulling back slightly to push a loose strand of hair behind her ear, cradling her cheek in his palm. ‘You deserve this position Hails, I wasn’t going to let you lose it because of me.’

‘I love you,’ Hailey said, reaching up to press a gentle kiss to his lips.

‘I knew it!’

They jump apart like they had been electrocuted.

Adam, Kevin and Kim stood together at the top of the stairs.

Kim looked incredibly pleased with herself. Adam’s mouth was wide open in shock and Kevin was grinning like a kid on Christmas morning.

‘I’m going to go home now,’ Jay said, winking at her before giving her another quick peck to her cheek.

‘You’re going to leave me to be interrogated by these three?’ Hailey sassed back, laughing at the situation they had found themselves in. They had been so careful and then she had kissed him in the bullpen like a love sick idiot, and failed to check her surroundings.

‘Yep!’ He said with a grin. ‘Doctor's orders, Hails.’

Hailey heard him chuckle all the way down the stairs.

‘Alright then, who wants to go first,’ Hailey said, throwing her arms wide in defeat.

She loved her team, she loved this job and she loved the man who had put her in this situation.

As the team started to throw comments and questions at her about the fact she had been secretly dating Jay, she couldn’t help but smile.

‘Was this before or after we had to listen to you two flirting in the van?’ Adam asked.

‘I’m only partially offended you didn’t tell me Upton, thought we had something special,’ Kevin said but his eyes sparkled with nothing but kindness.

‘Do I get to be the maid of honour seeing as he told me he loved you first?’ Kim asked.

She could take all the comments and teasing they could give her so long as she went home at the end of the day to the man who loved her.

Hailey wasn’t a fool, didn’t see life through rose tinted lenses so she knew she would still face some of the backlash from dating another cop. There would still be mutters and murmurs about how she had got her position in Intelligence, but it somehow didn’t matter so much anymore.

She loved Jay.

She had a team that supported her and supported him as well.

Voight knew and didn’t care.

Platt knew and would shut down any piece of gossip before it spiralled out of hand.

The officers on the force had a short term memory, something else would become the topic of conversation soon enough and she could go on living her life and doing her job.

All the time, loving and being loved by Jay Halstead.

It wasn’t the outcome she had ever expected when she had met him in that bar, both calling each other different names and working on different teams.

Now they were working on the same team and knew every part of each other’s bodies as well as each other’s names.

Someday she might call him a different name, a name that only she could say, and she smiled at the thought, but until that day, she was happy and so was he. And that was all that mattered.

[rom-e-o]

20 Questions! Ebenezer/Constance Headcanons

I’m working on another larger project for these two, but in the interim, here’s an OC prompts tag. I mashed a few different lists together to create a list that made sense for an 1800s-verse story. These are just for fun, haha!

So, allons-y!

Who’s the primary protector of the two?

Both are quite ferocious, but in different ways! Ebenezer is the more obviously and openly protective one. He has a more domineering presence and quite the harsh tongue, although after his visits with the spirits, he doesn’t enjoy using it. There will be times at parties where someone will be making eyes at his wife and he’ll send a glare in their direction. Constance is much harder to provoke, but if someone goes after someone she cares for, she is a socialite trained in the ways of verbal fencing. If she truly wants to ruin someone, her words can be as cutting and lethal as blades.

2.       Who sleeps in and who is the early bird? 

 Before meeting Constance, Ebenezer had always been an early riser. He kept a strict schedule of rising at sunrise daily, even on ‘days off.’ However, after meeting Constance (and especially after they start sleeping together and enjoying each other’s company late into the night) he learns to enjoy sleeping in. It’s hard to leave the warmth of the bed, especially when he’s got his arms wrapped around his often-nude lover.

3.       Who is the least patient? 

Both are pretty much the same. Both are incredibly patient, sometimes to a fault. This sometimes results in delayed communication on things that could be brought up sooner. Thankfully, most issues that could evolve into fights are resolved because they do communicate and know to bring up potential misunderstandings before they grow into something harder to control

4.       Which of the two listens to old music and which one is more into the newer stuff?

Ebenezer and Constance both enjoy the works of Mozart, and Ebenezer particularly enjoys the works of composers from this Classical period. Constance enjoys music and orchestras, but is much more open to different genres of opera and theater. More often than not, she breaks him out of his comfort zone and encourages him to come with her to see a newer production.

5.       Who’s the first one to quit a new hobby because they’re not great at it on the first try?

Constance, just because of her lower self-confidence. To be fair, she is also the one who is much more likely to try new things in general, while Ebenezer tends to stay in what he sees as ‘his lane.’

6.       Who holds a grudge the longest?

Ebenezer will hold a grudge the longest. If his trust in someone is spoiled, it will be very difficult to rebuild, even if he tells someone they are ‘forgiven’.

7.       Who secretly knows all the lyrics to the other’s favorite songs but refuses to expose themselves?

Ebenezer. Once he learns about an opera she loves or a play she likes, he’ll learn the numbers to sing them or perform them on the piano.

8.       Who’s more likely to cry about a plant dying?

CONSTANCE. She is a terrible gardener, despite her best efforts. 

9.       Which of the two is the most outspoken?

Constance is much more extroverted and outgoing, but is also easily embarrassed. Ebenezer is more reserved, but also more confident.

10.     Which of the two is quick to speak and which one is quick to listen?

Although Ebenezer is the more quiet of the two, he find it easy to open up to Constance and chat. He could talk for hours about projects or details of work, and Constance never cuts him off. Ever. In the same vein, he is always entertained and smitten when she rambles about topics she adores.

When it comes to getting a word in against a foe, Ebenezer is more likely to snap, and has done it before. 

11.     Who’s the most eager to have kids?

Ebenezer has always secretly wanted children, despite what happened to his sister in childbirth. Seeing Harry and Hela’s baby reawakened that desire of his to start a family.

12.     Which of the two rolls their eyes the most often?

EBENEZER. All the time, but never in a mean-spirited way.

13.     Who’s an open book and which one is more reserved?

Connie is the open book, and Ebenezer is more reserved. She goes all in, and he keeps his cards closer to his chest. This carries over into the bedroom as well, where Constance is often the one to...inspire new positions and actions.

14.     Who gets the most invested in their hyperfixations?

Ebenezer. He sometimes gets so engrossed in his work, projects, or other hobbies (particularly the detail-oriented ones, such as tabulating data for different accounts) that hours to an entire day will pass. Constance has to remind him to eat or rest sometimes, especially if he’d determined to meet a deadline.

“Have you eaten today?”

“Huh? Oh, um...I suppose I became distracted.”

“I had a feeling. Here, I brought you a pastry and tea. Can you spare a few moments for a break?”

“Heavens above, what would I do without you?” 

15.     Which one’s the first to help a stranger in need?

Ebenezer. He literally met Constance because she was wandering London in need of shelter. He offered her shelter when she was basically homeless, and that led to their entire courtship and romance.

16.     Which of the two is the most gullible?

Constance, but she knows she’s gullible. It’s mostly out of kindness rather than actual naivete.

17.     Which of the two acts bothered by the other one but secretly enjoys every second of it?

Ebenezer has a tendency to roll his eyes when Constance, well, acts like herself. She enjoys being theatrical, flirty, fun and being a little silly. The eye-rolls and sighs are all in good fun, with him more so playing along with the act rather than actually expressing discomfort or annoyance.

18.     Who’s more likely to get into a bar fight?

Ebenezer, likely because someone had the audacity to insult Constance or make a lewd joke at her expense. She, on the other hands, usually takes words/insults on the nose. A couple shots of straight vodka or gin helps take the edge off.

19.     Who’s the optimist and who’s the pessimist?

Ebenezer is quite the optimist since his redemption. While being a pessimist is in his nature, he tries to look on the bright side more often and keep his mind open to scenarios or events. Contrarily, Constance is an optimist naturally, but prone to depression, hopelessness and mania. Usually, if one is experiencing mania or sadness, the other can jump in.

20.     Who is the most amorous?

THEY ARE EQUALLY GUILTY. They both not only switch the roles of initiator and receiver, but also top and bottom.

[howlingday]

My idea for a potential DEATH BATTLE! #8

2023 Dec 12, 26, 27, 30, 31

2024, Jan 1, 2, 19, Feb 8, Mar 14, 24

MASTER POST

Thumbnail art

P3 Hero vs Neku Sakuraba (Persona vs TWEWY)

The Reaper will claim someone's soul permanently today!

FIGHTER 1: The P3 Hero, the Wildcard Messiah that ended the Dark Hour.

FIGHTER 2: Keku Sakuraba, the Shibuya Saviour in the Reaper's Game.

Wiz: Memento mori; remember that you will die. Time never waits and it delivers all equally to the same end, be it by aging or a bullet.

*insert clips of playing chess with Death from The Seventh Seal, Grim from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Maddie, Death from Castlevania*

Boomstick: So, take off your headphones and remember to make bonds and connections as they make life worth living. The world ends with you, so it's up to you to expand it. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.

PREFACE (What to know): So, Season 10 just ended and its final episode gave a teaser for Season 11 showing the Fool, Death, and The World tarot cards. Many suspect that this hints towards a Persona MU, which could be this one as the P3 Hero is represented by the Fool, Death, Judgement, and Universe Arcanas (The Universe is the Thoth Tarot equivalent of The World), and even though I started another suggestion as of me writing this, I wanted to this suggest this one as soon as I could. I get that it is not yet confirmed or denied. However, I want to get it out on the slight chance that it is the planned episode.

As of Pi Day 2024, Persona 3 Reload has been released, DLC has been announced, and Persona 6 is rumored to be released in 2025.

Also, I am not giving the P3 Hero a specific name. The SMT Wiki, Persona 3 Movies and P3 Dancing call him Makoto Yuki, but I don't like that name because it means that there'll be two Makotos if we involve P5 and three if we involve P2. I get that their names are spelled with different kanji to denote different meanings, but other sources from ATLUS call him by different names: the PQ2 Artbook calls him P3 Hero and the P3 Manga calls him Minato Arisato. For brevity and ease, I'll be referring to the character of today as P3H.

ANALYSIS OF ARSENAL (What I will be giving them):

Consider this to be part of the preface as this will cover something that you should know. To have them at their absolute best, I will take P3H at his endgame and Neku with his powers and experiences from NEO.

For the sake of the argument and animation, both will fight on their own, so no navigators, All-Out Attacks, Light Puck, Cross Combos, Fusion attacks, Mashups, or Killer Remixes. Any thread that Neku wears will have the effects of Final Remix or NEO. I will also use the affinity system from P3 Reload instead of the one from P5R, which although expansive, P3's battle affinities make more sense to use since we're talking about the P3 protagonist.

Both have vast arsenals that the player can choose from. P3H can have a bunch of items that can restore his health and SP, the Ultimate Personas and skills or Fusion Spells/Theurgies like Primal Force, Armageddon, Infinity, High Counter, Arms Master, Spell Master, Regenerate 3, Invigorate 3, the ultimate weapons and items like Lucifer's Blade and the Omnipotent Orb, or he can have none of that. PQ and PQ2 are canon, so do I include the status circle moves, Link attacks, or the game-breaking Heroic Gemini? Neku can have game-breaking threads, Psychs, and Pin Sets like Dope Line+SOS Boosting threads + Wild Boar Resonance which can one-shot a lot of bosses, the Eden Set which grants total invulnerability, the Darklit Planets Set, the Yearlong Ensemble, and the Black Cat set, all of which are supremely powerful, or he can Week 1 pins and clothes. How the heck will I go over their arsenal and skills?

The best way to go about this is to max out their stats and analyze this fight twice. The first battle will be analyzed using a traditional playthrough setup, and the second will be using the absolute best equipment and tools they can reasonably access (no PQ stuff).

WHY:

Connections (What do they have in common):

1. They are known for being or at least appearing antisocial or asocial but learn to make genuine connections and friendships. Said friendships give them power. Examples for P3H include: 1. Social links unlocking the Ultimate Personas of an arcana, 2. Social Links boost the EXP gained when fusing Personas of their arcana. Examples for Neku include: 1. Shopkeeps and cashiers can give you details of some clothing threads and/or give you access to more powerful clothing, 2. Fusion attacks can be performed, 3. A Player who fails to make a Pact will be erased if they don't have a partner within a certain given amount of time, and a player who has made a Pact is erased seven minutes after their Partner is erased. Said friendships helped them overcome the final bosses of their game which only served to reinforce the themes of friendships and connections. This is further emphasized by the fact that the mobs of their games, Shadows and Noise, are manifested from and/or attracted to negative thoughts. Said enemies also include a "Reaper": P3 has a boss Shadow known as The Reaper, and TWEWY's Noise creatures are created by other Players of the Game called Reapers.

2. Both have an intimate history with death. During the majority of P3, P3H had Death sealed within him. At the end of his journey, he sacrifices himself to become the Great Seal. He is also orphaned due to the death of his parents, and in the P3 Movies, Makoto witnessed their deaths. Neku is traumatized by the death of his best friend (even though this is from the events of the Another Day timeline). He has also died at least twice; he was shot dead by Joshua, came back to life, and was shot again by Coco.

3. Both wear headphones and even use a similar MP3 player. P3H uses one from Sony's NW-S20x series and Neku's seems to be based on Sony's NW-S200. Their music players are used to symbolize their lack of social skills or meaningful connections at the beginning of their journeys.

4. As minor as it is, both are a sort of "Chosen One" or hold unique positions in their power systems. P3H is a Wildcard, so he can wield multiple Personas, which only those who have formed a contract can do. Neku is the Proxy of the most powerful being in Shibuya and his high Imagination allowed him to use a lot of psychs during the initial Reaper's Game.

Personal reasons (Why I want this battle/like this MU):

I consider this MU superior to Joker vs. Neku. Aesthetically, P5's style meshed better with TWEWY's graffiti and urban aesthetic, and there is also the Shibuya connection with similar themes of reaching out, forming connections, and defying the game you're in, but then P3 Reload was released. There are also the connections mentioned above. I also think this MU is more appropriate thematically due to the themes of death and broadening one's world.

THE FIGHT:

Art and animation: 

It'll be in 3D unless someone can get their hands on P3H sprites. The models do exist for both characters: P3H has models from all his games and Neku has models from KH DDD and NEO. However, the following pieces of art by u/Crossover and u/Ok_Administration_45 respectively show that the sprites do exist.

To get the most out of P3H's Wildcard ability, I will give him some of his roster from the P5R Full Moon Challenge Battle and some extras.

1. Orpheus

2. Thanatos

3. Messiah. 

4. Orpheus Telos to represent his max strength

5. Helel for Armageddon.

6. Satan for Armageddon.

7. Vishnu for Infinity.

8. Ananta for Infinity.

9. Sigfried for Scarlet Havoc

10. Mithras for Scarlet Havoc

Neku will use a mix of psychs that are iconic like Shockwave, Massive Hit, Force Rounds, Pyrokinesis, and Cure Drink as well as pins related to him specifically (in NEO, Topo the Talented, Black Hole Bunny, and Hotaru can only be obtained if Neku is the one who maxes out their pre-evolved forms) 

Possible setup: 

We open by looking at the sky. black as pitch, and the full moon's pale light beautifully shines down. However, this does not mean peace, especially not for the leader of SEES or the Composer's former proxy. We cut to the top of the 104, our teenage heroes have already engaged in a fight, and not just with each other. P3H is fighting animals with tattoos for limbs and Neku is fighting masked humanoids with shadowy skin. After cutting down the black armies, they face each other. 

"Ready?" P3H gets into his battle position again.

"Yeah." Neku prepares himself with new pins.

FIGHT! :

1. Shockwave vs Sword. The two teenagers engage. Neku uses Shockwave, creating a blade, and clashes blades with P3H. P3H gets a good slash and stab in, knocking Neku back, but Neku charges in, landing in a horizontal slash, a vertical slash, and then uses Stellar Flurry, finishing his combo off with a Lance Lunge, knocking P3H back instead.

2. Neku then uses Pyrokinesis, engulfing P3H in flames. Yet, P3H is barely affected, taking slight damage. He grabs his Evoker and quickly points it to the side of his head. "Persona!" After pulling the trigger, Orpheus is summoned and he casts Blazing Hell, surrounding a large area in front of him in fire and heat.

3. Neku takes massive damage, and P3H rushes in to use Orpheus' physical power, but Neku quickly backs away and uses his Force Rounds. P3H dodges the energy bullets as he closes in on his foe and switches his Persona. "Thanatos!" The Death God comes out and slashes with lethality and precision, capping the combo off with a Brave Blade, slashing hard and wide, but Neku narrowly escapes yet again. Neku senses something odd about this guy... "Focus... Open up your senses..." His Soul is varied, and there are a lot of powers within, but they all have different affinities and weaknesses that he can exploit. He needs to be careful, and maybe he'll win. He switches to Hotaru and meets Thanatos' slashes with his own, hitting the Persona with its weakness to Light, dizzying P3H a bit. Neku charges up a Massive Hit psych. "Goin' up!", and P3H is sent flying this time.

4. P3H quickly picks himself up and feels the power of Theurgy. He grabs his evoker and summons the power of Sigfried and Mithras, the Scarlet Havoc. The scarlet razors and slashes are so fast that they blindside and overwhelm Neku. P3H sees his opponent is down. "Come forth, Messiah!" and he uses Debilitate on Neku, Heat Riser on himself. "Siegfried!" Using Concentrate, he then uses Vorpal Blade.

5. Neku uses a Healing psych but barely hangs on after the brutal slash attack, but he switches his pins again to a Doomed Life, Doomed Attack, Doomed Defense, and Doomed Mobility combo. P3H notices that his buffs are effectively nullified, and he even starts to feel weakened. Neku then uses an Entanglement psych, but P3H very-handedly dodges, until Debilitate and Heat Riser wear off. Neku then easily catches P3H, using his Black Hole Bunny, dealing strong damage. 

6. Neku then charges Topo the Talented and fires the missiles, but P3H breaks free of his confines and switches personas again to "Orpheus Telos!", tanking the damage soundly.

7. Neku senses extreme power from the Soul, so switches his pins to Over the Top and a combination of Apport and Psychokinesis. All his pins in Reboot are quickly filling up again. He combines Psychokinesis with Apport to summon meteors and even f*cking subway trains and throws them all at P3H who sees the incoming attack, but he's low on health. He pulls his Evoker, summoning the power of Ananta and Vishnu, and casts Infinity, protecting himself from the powerful strike. By this point, he's almost out of SP, but he's far from dead. Neku sees this, so he uses a Healing Aura and Inspiring Aura psych combo to heal and buff himself up and switches Psychs once again, this time to a combo of Nexus Ray and Laser Inferno psychs.

8. With a Concentrate, P3H charges up his magic energy while Neku raises his arm, and charges the energy at the end of his hand. Messiah unleashes a charged Megidolaon and Neku fires his Ray/Laser amalgamation. We get a wide shot of Shibuya and the 104, and we see a giant flash of light. Both teens are still standing, but very close to dying, panting. Thank goodness for Endure.

9. P3H wins by sheer overwhelming force. Neku has exhausted most of his pins, and they're not rebooting fast enough, even with Over the Top. He switches pins again, but P3H summons Messiah again and casts Salvation. Neku tries to attack, but with a summon to "Orpheus Telos!" and he holds off Neku for enough time for the Theurgy gauge to charge. He uses an SP recovering item and uses debilitate again, and Neku is crippled yet again. P3H summons Helel and Satan, thinks of his dear friends, and casts Armageddon. Neku is unable to use any healing psychs in time. His last thoughts? Shiki, Beat, Josh, Rindo…

10. Ending 2: Neku wins by wearing down his opponent. Neku uses Grave Marker quickly to knock his opponent off balance, and he's able to launch attack after attack, keeping his adversary on the backfoot. P3H can't even switch his Persona, His Theurgy is ready, but as he tries to grab his Evoker, Neku binds him with Entanglement. Over the Top really came in handy. Neku, thinking of his friends, charges up a final attack like in the TWEWY fight against Draco Cantus. P3H sees oblivion, but he only thinks of his friends. He didn't tell Junpei, Yukari, Mitsuru, or even Aigis goodbye...

11. The winner takes the loser's headphones and music player (call them "World Expander's Music Set '' or "SEES Music Set"). If Neku wins, then he also picks up a pin that looks like the Gekkougan High emblem named "Full Moon", and all of these are top-tier gear. The winner does not get to simmer in his thoughts because he hears the sounds of swarming creatures behind him. He turns his sight to the amassing Noise and Shadows around him. "I'll live on for the both of us." They lunge at the black armies.

12. KO!

RESULT:

Strengths and weaknesses:

P3H:

+ Is more powerful as he fought Nyx, who could affect the population on a worldwide scale as opposed to Anguis Cantus, Draco Cantus, Dissonance Tapir, or even Phoenix Cantus, all of whom would at most affect just Shibuya. Even if he fought Nyx with a team, P3H is still more powerful. At most, it can be highballed to say that P3H is a planet buster since Nyx, once fully completed, could destroy the Earth, and P3H stopped this fully powered Nyx.

+ His magic is arguably stronger than Neku's psychs. This is especially true for skills like Ragnarok, Pralaya, Infinity, and Armageddon.

+ Sword allows for greater range in close combat.

+ Has resistances and immunities with Null, Void, and even recovery with Drain or can redirect attacks with Repel. Items like Omnipotent Orb or Tome of the Void can Null damage or status effects.

+ Has instant death/kill options such as Maeigaon, Door of Hades, and Mudoon.

+ Megidolaon and other Almighty skills bypass resistances. If treated like in mainline SMT, then all Pierce skills will also bypass resistances except for repelling.

+ If given access to all his passive abilities, then he can likely passively recover and outlast his opponent with skills like Invigorate and Regenerate, return damage with High Counter, reduce damage a lot with Firm Stance, increase hit rate with Apt Pupil, reduce the cost of his skills with Arms Master and Spell Master, double evasion rate against all magical attacks except Light, Dark, and Almighty with Angelic Grace, flat out nullify, repel or drain most of Neku’s psychs, amp his own attacks and odds of inflicting status conditions, survive certain death with Endure and Enduring Soul (these stack), and increase damage with his own weapon with Weapons Master.

+ Heat Riser and other Enhance skills increase his own Attack, Defense, and Agility/ Hit/Evasion rate or reduce the opponent's.

+ Dekunda removes inflicted debuffs, Dekaja removes the opponent's buffs.

+ Rebellion and Revolution increase Crit Rate.

+ Tetrakarn and Makarakarn put up barriers.

+ Charge and Concentrate can boost the damage of their next offensive skill.

+ Life Drain can recover a small amount of HP from a foe.

= Comparable speed as both have dodged light-based attacks,

- Theurgies take a long time to charge up.

- Abilities like Regenerate and Invigorate don't recover a lot of HP and SP.

- Buffs/debuffs, Tetrakarn, Makarakarn, Charge, and Concentrate are not permanent and wear off after a certain amount of time or upon using their next offensive skill.

- The high-class attacks and Recovery skills require large amounts of HP and SP respectively.

- Instant kill options have a low success rate.

Neku:

+ If given access to all his pins from the first game like Mega Man is given access to all his weapons, then Neku has the edge in versatility (sheer number of psychs and affinities) and invulnerability (Eden set), so he can overwhelm P3 and exploit his weaknesses.

+ Greater mobility and can even teleport (more so if he is given access to Flowmotion).

+ Edge in range due to ranged attacks.

+ Most pins work by cooldown and don't drain HP, so even if they're exhausted, they'll immediately begin to recharge. This includes the healing psychs of Aqua Barrier and Dark Barrier, and even NEO's Healing Aura as well as the buffing psych Inspiring Aura. This all pairs well with the Over the Top psych which reduces reboot time by 40%.

+ Turbo psych increases the amount of uses per pin, adding extra longevity to the pins.

+ Can cripple his opponent by inflicting negative status effects like Immobility or Airborne to immobilize, HP Drain to continuously reduce the target's HP by a percentage. The Doomed psyches also reduce the opponent’s Attack, Defense, and/or Mobility. These don’t count as mental ailments so Unshaken Will does not nullify them.

+ Debuffs on opponents last longer with the Blight psychs.

+ Psychs like Nexus Ray and affinities like Time and Gravity could count as Almighty skills and thus bypass resistances and passive skills. Other psyches like Stellar Flurry can count as Pierce skills (I already mentioned the significance of Pierce skills).

+ Is more experienced.

+ Threads increase his stats, nullify or reduce knockback. There are also threads that increase his stats more when in low health (Second Wind, Steely Resolve, etc.), increase the capacities of psychs with abilities like Reinforced Chains, Stranglehold, or Synergy, provide skills like Resistances to poison, shocks, or burns, Regen and Auto-Charge (allows the release of psychs that require charge up time).

≥ This is a big stretch, but Neku could find the weakness of the Personas. Neku can read minds with the Player Pin and is even able to scan Soul by the time the events of NEO happen, and Personas are seen as the manifestation of the soul.

= Similar speeds as they both have dodged light-based attacks.

- Most healing pins have a limited number of uses (Already mentioned which ones don't). Those that don’t have a limited number of uses cannot be used until fully recharged.

- Cannot bypass Infinity.

- Does not have abilities or equipment that can completely nullify, absorb, or redirect damage.

Ending puns:

"P3H shouldn't take it personally, but he faced his Mass Destruction."

"Neku may have been psyched up, but he was left Twisted."

MUSIC:

Name: The Reaper Hour

The name refers to the Dark Hour and the Reaper's Game. It is also a nod to the Reaper Shadow and the Reapers.

Art: Look at Yate's "My Dread Burns with You" and simply add their MP3 player to the art and you get the gist of the art. If you want an original answer: take the Reaper symbol, have it wear Neku's headphones, and have it use an Evoker. Around where the "neck" would be the Sony MP3 player. In the background is a giant Midnight Hour clock being broken like in P3.

Sound: TWEWY's rock + P3's hip hop. The opening sounds like Twister, but when the combatants engage, the music shifts to a mix of Mass Destruction and Hybrid (The sound of Hybrid + the instrumentation and lyrics like that of MD). When the battle reaches its climax, the music sounds like Burn My Dread like it's the P3 Final Boss, but it has elements and lyrics like those of Calling. Death is calling the protagonists, but only one will heed the calling.

FINAL THOUGHTS AND WORDS

Imagining the fight was pleasant, but the preface was a nightmare. Worse still, my increased workload meant I couldn't finish this when I wanted to, and I could rarely find the energy to work on this. Getting this out before the announcement of Season 11 did not make this any easier, not that I could actually do so. I apologize for the long time between posts and for any inconsistencies. Still, I had fun, and I wanted to pay respect to characters that I look up to. They taught me that even if making connections is hard, it is never impossible, and that not reaching out only makes life worse. Friends help us, and whether or not bonds are the answer to the question of life, they should help us grow. Some will harm us, some will leave, but is that a reason to cut yourself off from the others?

THANK YOU AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS!

Psych affinities -> Persona affinities:

No affinity and makes bodily contact = Physical

No affinity and is ranged = Gun (P5) or Physical (P3)

Burst = Nuclear/Nuke (P5) or Fire (P3)

Darkness = Curse (Eiha, P5) or Darkness (P3)

Electric = Electric

Fire = Fire

Gravity = Almighty

Kinesis = Psychokinesis/Psy (P5) or Physical (P3).

Ice = Ice

Light = Bless (Kouha, P5) or Light (P3)

Poison & physical = Physical

Poison & ranged = Gun

Sound = Wind

Wind = Wind

Time = Almighty

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Sadly, I can only barely account for one of these contenders since I did play The World Ends With You, though my time with it was very... forgettable. Not a lot for me to grab onto, to be honest. BUT that doesn't detract from this great idea of yours! Hopefully, we'll get another Death Battle in the near future.

[roosterbox]

Thinky Thought time yet again. This one, though, doesn’t need a cut.

Tags: Steddie, ANGST, not a happy ending, time loops

It’s 9am, I just woke up, and it’s ‘thinking about Steve Harrington being caught in a Groundhog Day time loop’ hours again.

The repeating day is the day of the final battle, obviously. The first couple loops are spent with Steve just playing things out as they happen in canon, but being verrrrrrry confused the whole time. Then, after he realizes that the day is just repeating itself, he starts trying to change things. It never goes well. For example…

Loops 6 through 10: Robin dies

Loops 12 through 14: Dustin dies

Loops 19 through 25: Nancy dies

Loops 26 through 30: El dies

Loops 31 through 40: Steve himself dies

And so on and so forth. Everybody dies at one point or another. Not to mention the numerous, numerous days that end with Vecna being victorious.

The loop still resets.

After reliving the same fucking day so many times, Steve is starting to lose it a little. Understandably so. I’m surprised that Bill Murray’s character in the original movie isn’t completely insane by the end, frankly. But back to Steve. Throughout all these repeating loops, he starts noticing something. That something is Eddie Munson. And isn’t that just a brilliant cap on his entire cursed existence: falling in love with a guy whose fate seems to be to die. And then he considers the possibility that maybe the way to potentially break out of this hellscape is to somehow get Eddie to fall in love with him too. (Worked in the original movie, so why not? Not that he’d have any knowledge of the movie, of course - that baby won’t come out in his universe for another seven years or so.)

This… also doesn’t go well.

He tries everything, but it seems like nothing between them ever changes. Hell, one time he answers Eddie’s “Make him pay” with the most epic first kiss in the history of first kisses (Dustin covers his eyes, Robin screeches at them to “get a room!”), and yet… every time he’s had to come back from the battle of a lifetime only to see Dustin sobbing over Eddie’s inert corpse. Every. Time.

On one loop, he can’t take it anymore and just… confesses everything. Both that he’s in love with Eddie and that he’s somehow stuck in a time loop.

“I just thought,” he says to a very (understandably!) shocked Eddie, “that maybe if I could get you to fall in love with me, things would change. But I can’t. To you, it’s only been a day, but for me…” he chuckles, but there’s no mirth in the sound. “For me, it feels like years.”

Once Eddie manages to find his voice, the first thing he says is, “But that doesn’t make any sense.”

Steve nods, “I know, dude. The time loop-“

“No, not that part.” He reconsiders. “Well, not only that part. I mean-“ Eddie swallows, suddenly very nervous. “I mean, if that was the case, it would have already stopped.” At Steve’s confused look, he continues. “Steve, man, you didn’t have to try so hard - I’ve been in love with you since, like, 1985.”

The loop still resets.

One time - ONE TIME - Steve manages to work out a freaking miracle of a day. Not only do he and Eddie confess their love, but everyone survives. EVERYONE. They go to the hospital to get checked out, Eddie’s name is cleared, the whole fix-it fic shebang, and it’s all-in-all the perfect ending to a shit day. A shitty SEVERAL days as far as Steve’s concerned. He goes to sleep that night thinking finally, finally.

The loop still resets.