#i think i need an autism and/or adhd diagnosis but also i'm really not sure how that's going to help with anything

[quatregats]

Having a real "*freeze frame**record scratch* oh hey it's me you might be wondering how I ended up here" kind of moment rn

[katanathegaydemon]

I have to have silence to read but I have to have noise to read but it can’t be like music with words noise even if the words are in a language I don’t know because I’ll end up distracted trying to sing/mouth along or pinpoint the words I recognize or figure out the story of it instead of reading the thing I was meant to be reading and I can’t use white noise because most white noise makes me feel kinda sleepy but if it’s like specific white noise in a specific mood sometimes it helps and sometimes just the sound of my ac is enough to keep me focused but sometimes it’s so distracting but oh sometimes I really want to be watching a video or movie or show while I’m reading because I desperately need the dopamine from all the things but I can’t read with the sound I focus too much on trying to understand everything said and all the different noises or music and sometimes I want to be watching something and listening to music and reading and playing games all at once and I need to be doing all of them or I’m understimulated but I can’t be doing all of them because that’s way too overstimulating and I can’t stand it and sometimes I need to be in a call with my friends to be able to do things but I can’t be in a call with my friends I get too distracted trying to process everything they’re saying and doing

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

So I decided back in September that it is Time. The time has come. I am going to try and get a formal diagnosis for my blatant and provable ADHD, because I am very interested in Doing Laundry

And in my defence it has only taken until this week (late January) to kick things off, which I am very aware should probably be part of the diagnostic criteria

Anyway

I have a plan! For the best chance of being taken seriously. If the university can do their in-house screening of me, I can go to my GP and make the following two points:

I am here because my boss felt I said "But everyone does that" one too many times while discussing the ND students, and she wants me to chase this in case it means she can support me better (I of course am charmingly bemused about it because I personally would never try and get diagnosed, no no, only those attention-seeking fakers do that)

An official educational institution i.e. my employer has in fact initially assessed me and deemed me Medically Distractible. I even have an ALN plan, look. So uhhhhh, maybe my boss is right? (I of course remain charmingly bemused about it because I obviously don't really believe it, no no, I could never be the expert on my own experience, but a Third Party is invested, so...)

Anyway yesterday the uni got in touch, and had me do the initial screening.

Now, they're doing it as part of a wider screening process of learning needs, so they also check you for dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, and autism, as well as ADHD. Plus how good your reading/writing/maths is. Plus they make you do these really fun tests - one was like a classic American spelling bee, one was a spelling test where they read out increasingly lengthy fake words and you had to spell them (we started with "blit", and by the end she was saying things like "unintarcation" and "iffrig-oggonery" and "self-regulating free market" trololol I JEST), and the other was that she'd read out a string of numbers and I had to type them backwards to test my working memory

Good fun, actually. Anyway, my results were mostly completely fine:

Study skills are good! I mean, we're going orange at the end, look, time management is bad - but that's the ADHD, so expected.

No problems with the tests! I mean I'm slightly grumpy about the social and communication score going blue, because I'm pretty sure it's because I explained how I was bullied in school, which I feel is more about them than me. But eh.

Dyspraxia was a little less solid- that's the time blindness, I think. Also attention and concentration, that's expected. Maths, lol - that's not medical, I'm just bad at maths.

The autism testing. Again, mostly fine, but some overlap with ADHD symptoms, so blue instead of green. Makes sense.

And then

Fucking rinsed.

[sherlock-is-ace]

Just some thoughts about DID Holmes in Sherlock & Co.

I need to preface this by saying I don't have DID, all I know about it is from reading and hearing people who do have DID talk about their experience. I can be wrong, I don't mean any harm by it and I encourage people to correct me (just please be kind).

Ok so in the Sherlock & Co. canon, Holmes has DID, amongst a variety of other things, which is a new and interesting thing to explore with this character. I'm not sure if we'll ever see it explored in the show, or if it'll just stay a part of a long list of what makes Sherlock neurodiverse. But I've been thinking about it and I'd like to dump my thoughts here.

I think it makes absolutely perfect sense for Sherlock Holmes to have DID. Even in the ACD canon, Holmes isn't known to have had a good childhood and a good relationship with his parents. Jeremy Brett liked to think Holmes didn't see his mother until he was like eight years old. Lots of neglect, coupled with the struggles of being a "difficult child" because of his perticular cocktail of disorders (ADHD, ASD, SPD, DMDD and ODD), is just the perfect recipe for repetitive childhood trauma that could very well develop into DID. There's no question in my mind that it was a good decision (at least an interesting one) to give Sherlock DID in this adaptation. And that got me thinking about how much he probably struggled with it.

I chose to believe that Sherlock achieved final fusion years before he met John. That's what makes the most sense to me. We know he's got official diagnoses for these things, so it would make sense to me that he got professional help for his DID as well. And based on his personality, and his need to be in control and know all the information available to him, I think final fusion would be the result he would have seeked, as opposed to functional multiplicity.

Now of course one can't logic their way out of neurodiversity, and one can't just logic their way into final fusion. But what works and doesn't work has to have some connection to the way someone is, and I think Sherlock Holmes would have worked his ass out in therapy to achieve final fusion because I think it would have been a horrible time for a man like him.

I'm thinking about how he would handle the amnesia (we know his views in memory and identity), the loss of control when a different alter fronted, the confusion of "waking up" in a completely different part of town, disassociating in the middle of important (or interesting) tasks, etc. etc. I also think that perhaps, his addiction could have been a result of a persecutor alter.

As someone who struggles with communication because of his autism, I think perhaps that could also affect Holmes' communication with his alters. I genuinely don't know if that could be a thing or not, I've never met anyone who had DID and autism so I'm not sure how correct that assumption is. But if that communication was also a struggle, it would explain why functional multiplicity wouldn't work as well.

And I don't know, perhaps we'll have more glimpses into Sherlock's past in the podcast, and we'll learn more about his DID diagnosis, perhaps he hasn't achieved final fusion, perhaps he very much still struggles with switches and memory loss. We don't know, but I do hope we get to explore it more! It ads a new layer of complexity to the character that we haven't seen in other adaptations, and I really love that!

We know that Sherlock Holmes is always neurodivergent, whether that is explicitly diagnosed in canon or not. The whole point of Sherlock Holmes as a character, from ACD canon to any modern version, is that he doesn't think like everyone else. That is literally the definition of neurodiversity. To take that away from Holmes is to destroy the character. But what this adaptation did, by giving a name to each and every trait of Holmes is very interesting and I hope they can handle it well! So far I've been very pleasently surprised by the way they have handled Sherlock's autism. It is very much a part of him and it informs his actions, but it is not all that he is. And maybe it's because Joel Emery's daughter is autistic so he has more knowledge about it than the other disorders, but I still hope we get to see more of that as well, especially Sherlock's DID.

Alright that's all kdjfhg

As I said, I don't have DID so take everything I said with a grain of salt. But if anyone has thoughts they'd like to share please come talk to me! :D And if anyone has DID and wants to share their thoughts about Sherlock & Co. thought the lense of someone with the disorder please do! I'd be very happy to read about it. (Also my ask is always open if anon is more comfy)

[your-local-baguette]

hi! how are you? i'm hope your doing well,

i wanted to ask for a part 2 for bllk boys with their autistic reader with isagi, kaiser, bachira and ness if thats fine! sorry if i'm asking for too much 😅

i really liked part one so i thought i might ask. :)

anyways, have a great day/night!

Hi! I'm good, good! I just managed to get out my writer's block and I this is the first request I wanted to do. I'm so happy you enjoyed the first part I'd be glad to make another one. Now I haven't watched or done blue lock content in forever, so if my HCS don't fit, please bear with me 😭 also my writing style might have changed a little lol.

Warnings: not proofread, not necessarily canon, i don't have autism so this is based off researches i have done hoping i'm using the right tools. If you can explain to me more in details i would be happy to listen and learn!

Part 1

Isagi Yoichi

I honestly think isagi is soo good at helping you when you get over/understimulated. But if you ask for space he won't hesitate to leave you alone, a very understanding sweetheart. Also a patient baby, especially when you're having troubles with relationships with him or other people. If you have communication difficulties he's totally fine being the one to talk a lot but also willing to give you the time you need to express yourself. Sometimes has a bit of trouble understanding how it feels. Overall 8/10

Bachira meguru

Now i can't do any diagnosis but you can't tell me he doesn't have adhd. Adhd x autism power couple. But honestly, bachira is a social butterfly, so if you're have communication issues or social anxiety, he is the best to take over whenever you need. Although he can be a bit invasive at time and hesitant or unaware of how to help you when you're overstimulated. He has flaws and can also have some troubles keeping up, give him a chance lol. 7/10

Micheal kaiser

Now kaiser...unlike the other positive headcanons with the others. I think he actually struggles with your autism, because of his ego and overall personality. I have a feeling he oftens overstimulates you, by accidents when he teases or talks. He also has a tendency to have relationship problems and if you do too, he isn't the best match because he's very insecure. Overall, not the best part er for an autistic significant other 3/10

Alexis Ness

Now we all know alexis is obsessive and possessive so he would actually do his best to follow your need for perfection in routine or habits. He wants to be the best so you never leave, he also tries to learn your limited interests and all of that. But..when you have meltdown (too much emotions stocked bc communications troubles) or when you're overstimulated and ask to be alone, he does not leave you alone, but not the I don't wanna leave you and wanna be there with you. No, it's the kind that just forces you to stay with him even when you don't want to, in a bad way. Can be a little scary and sometimes give you ever more trouble with communication. Downside is too heavy for him to have a good rating 4.5/10

Hope you enjoyed! I sure did enjoy writing this, has been a while since bllk content lol. I hope i'll be able to write more often! Bye bye! 😉

[katboykirby]

As someone with autism, Satan with an autistic MC would be so wholesome and perfect...

Satan who makes sure a MC always has a jacket and a spare pair of plastic gloves handy to help them with their sensory issues.

Satan who takes over some of autistic MC’s chores, cleaning the dirty dishes and dealing with leftovers so that MC doesn’t freak out when they have to touch it.

Satan who never leaves MC’s side at large gatherings lest they get overstimulated and run off again. The last time that happened it took everyone so long to find them. Luckily, MC was alright. They were tucked away in a small room in the castle to hide.

Satan who is perfectly alright with sitting silently in your room while the two of you work on your own things. Maayyybeee he wouldn’t mind it if you wanted to scoot closer to him.

DOESN’T LET DIFFERENT FOODS TOUCH ON YOUR PLATE!! WILL START A RIOT IF HE FINDS THAT ANYONE HAS LET FOODS TOUCH ON YOUR PLATE!!

…ahem

Satan who doesn’t find MC’s tendency to disappear without a trace frustrating. He knows they like to go ‘exploring’ alone, wandering off for a short while before returning to his side per usual. Maybe when you grow close enough you’ll take him on a little journey.

Satan who admires you and your love for certain things. No matter how trivial they may seem, he knows that those are the things that make up the world for you. He’ll gladly listen to you talk about your interests for hours.

Satan who takes your relationship as slow as you may need. Sexual intimacy doesn’t equal love to him. He’s okay with you touching him and not the other way around if that’s what you feel comfortable with.

Satan who seems to be the only one who understands MC’s reluctance to physical touch. He avoids touching MC whenever possible. He shows his affection for MC in other ways.

Taking them to a quiet cat café.

Taking them to a new pop up event for their favorite anime.

Hell, he even downloaded Mononoke Land so that when they went on walks together he could catch spirits alongside them. (He’s their only added friend on the game so he makes sure to send them gifts daily.)

When MC shyly hugs him for the first time he thinks he might combust on the spot— it’s such a special occasion for him!

You think you’re a burden and nuisance because you’re so different, yet to Satan, that’s what makes you so perfect. It’s what makes him love you so much.

(p.s,,, if it wouldn’t bother you I could be 💚anon or bitchass autistic anon! I don’t know if you label your anons or not. :) )

((also don’t feel pressured to respond or look at this ask! I just thought you might like it.))

This is so, so lovely and I really enjoyed reading all of your thoughts. And nobody has asked to be a tagged Anon before! Of course you can be 💚 Anon!

I feel like I don't have very much to say in response, because you've already put everything into words so wonderfully. I'm not autistic myself, but I know that there's some overlap with ADHD (my own diagnosis) when it comes to certain habits or behaviours, and I do some of the things that you've described so I feel like I can relate to a certain extent.

I do think that all of the OM boys would be supportive of an autistic partner (or any of the personal struggles that their partner might have, be they mental or physical) but I do also believe that Satan would be one of the best at intuitively knowing exactly what his partner wants and needs without having to ask for anything to be explained or spelled out for him.

Whether you HC Satan as autistic or not, he does have a lot of his own habits and behaviours that are somewhat similar, and he's good at figuring things out on his own even from very small or subtle hints.

If he sees you carefully separating the different foods on your plate (something many of his brothers would be too loud or rowdy during mealtimes to notice right away) he would make sure to keep your food clearly separated the next time it was his turn to make dinner, and would make sure to separate your food every time in the future as well.

If he notices the way you gently (or not-so-gently) pull away from physical contact, he will always be sure to refrain from touching you without your explicit permission; something that his other brothers (like Mammon, Asmo, or Beel, for example) might take longer to figure out, since they're just so used to hugging you or putting an arm around you without even thinking about it. Satan isn't the biggest fan of all the touchy-feely stuff either (we often see him yelling at his brothers not to touch him in the games) so he knows how you feel, and he doesn't want to intrude on your personal space.

He loves that you always listen to him whenever he has something to say, especially when he starts gushing at length about the current book he's reading or about the cat he saw on his way from from RAD that day. Nobody else really bothers to pay him any attention when he starts rambling like that - Levi is really the only one who can relate, but Levi also has trouble keeping himself from interrupting and going into his own long spiels. And Satan loves listening to you when you tell him all about your own hyperfixations in turn. It doesn't matter what you're rambling about, Satan is hanging on to every word.

Satan is a very meticulous person who would take his time to deeply and carefully consider all of the best ways he could support you and make you feel comfortable, without making you feel patronised or condescend to. He'd never want to make you feel like a child he was taking care of, because you are both perfectly equal in his eyes. He knows what it feels like to be seen as less than, thanks to many years of hinself only ever being seen as his rage. He never wants you to feel like just a diagnosis or just a disability. Like his Wrath, your autism is a part of you, but it is not all of you. It is not your entire identity or all that you are.

He loves you so, so much ♡

[actuallyadhd]

The reason I realised I might have adhd was my brother, he's so clearly autistic so I did research to make sure.

When I brought it up with my mother she told me to not tell him.

I finally got my diagnosis after 3 years of trying to get it, of going deeper and deeper into it.

Idk, I never hated it? I never hated my adhd. Back in 2020 I was a more active person? In terms of doing the things I liked and doing art.

Now I'm slow, tired, fatigued.

And that happened after I took meds. Apparently ritalin prozac and anxiety meds aren't supposed to be taken together, Idk what my therapist was thinking.

She told me to get anxiety meds for my stimming, cause I stim cause I'm nervous. But I KNOW that I don't. I stim when I'm excited, or when I can't focus.

When I'm anxious, when I'm angry I go stiff a a rock, I get focused sharp, because I have to be, it's a defense mechanism.

I don't hate adhd I don't hate meds inheritly either. But I hate how my meds made me a zombie, that I was forced to go on them so I could achieve this academic goal.

Maybe if I lived in a place with better mental healthcare I wouldn't be dealing with the effects of bad medication and my worsening depression.

I'm slightly better now, but my executive function got fucked. I can't just, do the things I like anymore. I feel less feelings than I did before.

I don't hate myself I just, I guess I'm in a hurry to heal from everything when I'm still living with the people that abused and continue to abuse me emotionally.

Specially my abelist mother who keeps saying adhd and autism aren't a disability, and they're just a quirk like her being left handed.

My dad has finally came to the realisation that he probably has adhd like me.

I'm a uni student now and living in a dorm away from my family has helped me regain that control I had and live a healthier life. But I'm back now over the summer and I can feel myself going back to my old ways the more I stay at my family home.

Idk,

Is this cptsd? Idk what it is.

Is it bad to say I love my adhd? Usually at least. When there's no one breathing down my neck not letting me do my own thing, when I don't get pulled into random places and have a choice to stay. And say no.

I guess things will get worse before they get better....

Sent August 18, 2024

There's definitely a lot to unpack here. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I will do my best to offer suggestions and reassurance, as always.

It makes sense that your brother is autistic and you have ADHD; both are highly heritable, and seem to be related in some way. So it also makes sense that your dad has now realized he probably has ADHD!

I have a feeling this is going to be long, so have a cut.

Stimming & Anxiety

Neurotypical people think that the only reason for fidgeting is anxiety.

It's not.

As a general rule, it's either expressive (as when we're happy or excited or upset) or regulating (as when we need to focus or feel overwhelmed).

And if stimming or fidgeting isn't disruptive or hurting anyone (including yourself), it definitely doesn't need to be medicated. WTAF.

Medication Issues

Medication can be tricky. The wrong meds can cause more problems than they solve. Even the right med at the wrong dose can be a problem!

Examples from my own life:

Starting dose of Concerta didn't do much, next dose up gave me a week-long anxiety attack.

Starting dose of Welbutrin made me feel like I was About to Die for a week.

Dexedrine initially made me NOT HUNGRY for three weeks. I lost 10 lbs.

Strattera made me depressed and adversely affected my typing (been accurately touch typing since I was 11, suddenly was making really weird typos).

Good dose of sertraline (Zoloft) helped my anxiety and depression but caused me to start skin picking in earnest; next dose up had me closing in on serotonin syndrome.

Adderall worked well (until it didn't) but also made me feel ill after I ate yogurt.

It sounds like you would need to try other meds or other doses, preferably one at a time(!), to find what works best for you overall.

Executive Function & Depression

It sounds like your depression is your biggest problem right now. Depression can worsen executive functioning, so that makes sense.

It's probably a good idea to talk to your prescribing doctor about your medication regime. Ask what your options are and if you can please work on getting off the antidepressant so you can try something else.

Alongside this, you may well be dealing with ADHD burnout, which I am only just coming out of myself. It's a struggle, to be sure!

My best advice for that is to be gentle with yourself. Don't expect yourself to Do All the Things; instead, keep a master list of things that need to get done and choose three of them to focus on each day (your Goals) and three fun ones to try to get to each day (your gravy).

It's okay if sometimes one of your Goals is to get dressed.

Parent Stuff

It sounds like your mom is trying to make you feel better or maybe herself(?). If that's how she needs to think of this all, let her. What matters is that she understands when you're struggling and is willing to support you. If not, you might like to refer her to this Russell Barkley video.

It's great that your dad has realized he has ADHD, though! Even if he doesn't bother to pursue a formal diagnosis, just knowing that can help a lot since if he's having issues he knows where to find suggestions that are more likely to actually work (because stuff that works for neurotypical people almost never works for ADHDers, while stuff that works for us also works for NT's).

Family Systems Theory says that how we behave around our family members is directed by how our family works as a system. There are also smaller systems within the whole that affect how individuals relate to each other. This is why we tend to fall back into childhood patterns when we're around our family of origin. Those patterns are ingrained through years of conditioning.

CPTSD?

While I don't think Gabor Maté is right about trauma and ADHD, I do think that it's pretty common for ADHDers to have childhood trauma. We spend years getting in trouble for stuff we couldn't control and being held to a standard we simply can't reach due to our ADHD, and that affects our self-esteem and is (to my mind) a big reason why so many of us have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which is that huge emotional reaction we can have to criticism (real or perceived).

I have found a lot of reassurance and helpful information about CPTSD through watching videos from the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. She reads letters from people and helps them with their problems, and she explains the problems faced by people who have CPTSD and offers ways to deal with them.

Loving ADHD

I don't think it's bad to love your ADHD. I do think it's a little weird, because most of us hate it a lot of the time, but I definitely see positives in my own life and view it as a neutral (if annoying) part of who I am.

I actually think it's great that you do love it, because it's going to be part of your life forever. Making sure you have systems in place to deal with the stuff that's challenging is going to be really important moving forward, but that's part of what this Tumblr is for.

Overall, I think you are probably doing better than you think you are, and once your meds get sorted you'll be in a much better space in general.

Followers, do you have anything to add, or any corrections to something I've said?

-J

[auschizm]

Not sure why I'm writing this, maybe just to see if anybody relates or if anybody like me is out there? I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ADHD, and borderline personality disorder. I think the bpd is misdiagnosed autism imo I relate much more with autism and don't have a lot of the features of bpd, and I have high sensory needs and face social barriers. I also have some psychosis that I don't know is really explained by any diagnosis. I'm on an antipsychotic (lurasidone if you're curious) as well as antidepressants (venlafaxine). It mainly takes the form of somatic and visual hallucinations, typically featuring bugs, though I have previously had auditory hallucinations and paranoia. I just don't really know where I fit, I know self diagnosis is valid but it doesn't feel that way sometimes, and my doctor has previously dismissed my hallucinations by saying they're not 'true' hallucinations because I can very quickly distinguish that they're not real. They startle me for a moment and then I know they're not in reality. She said I'm just 'highly sensitive'. Anyway, I just wanted to shout my experiences to the wind I suppose. Thank you!

Hey, first of all a hallucination is a hallucination even when you are aware it isn't real. Psychosis with insight is still psychosis. And according finding the right labels, I would try to focus less on that and more on understanding your symptoms and experiences and finding the right tools and coping methods for managing them. Regardless of exact labels. Because coping well is the real goal, whether it's BPD, autism or psychosis

[0ryza13]

So I'm having a small crisis, it's fine, don't worry, but I gotta share.

So my childhood went by with me as the "weird kid" and the "gifted kid", as you do on Neurodivergence dot Website, right?

Then I'm like 18, 19 and I'm in college, and I'm like huh all these posts about ADHD are really fuckin relatable. So I go to my psychologist and say "hey uh I think I maybe have ADHD can we check that and maybe get me on meds to help with school?"

And she goes yeah sure and within like two weeks I have an ADHD diagnosis and a script for meds (I ended up havign to try a few different ones to find the right one for me but that's a different post).

And then a couple years later, im like 21, 22, and I'm thinking to myself "man all these autism posts are really fuckin relatable" so I just kind of ignore that one cause I had stuff going on. Then I take a self-diagnosis test online and im like "I'm putting in all the Normal People answers, there's no way I'm gonna score very high at all" and then I score wayyyyy into the spectrum. And I go "well then."

So the next time I see my psychologist I bring that up, and she goes "oh yeah all of you, my Gifted Kids, absolutely could qualify for that diagnosis. But I don't diagnose any of you with that because that is not a good thing to have written down on paper [because discrimination in workplaces and also by insurance companies and so on and so forth]" and I go "oh yeah makes sense okay then" and I start internalizing that I basically have a bit of autism.

And then I see my psychologist again, and I'm briefly talking about the autism thing for some reason (I forget how it came up exactly) and she goes "yeah but you don't actually have autism. You know that right?" And I go "... huh?"

"Yeah autism is a lot worse than what you have. You know how actual autistic people have it, right?" Yes I know, I have a cousin who is pretty severely autistic, he needs a lot of support in his daily life, etc etc. But back up, I thought you said-???

"Yeah no, what you have is Aspergers, but that was removed from the books as an actual diagnosis. Anybody with aspergers is just considered high-functioning Autistic now. You have Aspergers, not Autism, I just cant give you a diagnosis until the higher powers agree to reinstate Aspergers as a real thing."

Oh. Well then. Hmm.

(And of course this is making me wonder how many of the people who were making those relatable autism posts are also actually Aspergers Not Autism)

[Edit: please reblog the other version. The longer one with all the explanations from people. Thanks.]

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I wish that autism wasn't so heavily looked down upon/ignored/disrespected when I was growing up.

I was a "devil child", "handful", "problem".

When in reality if even minute changes were made in my environment and how my own family interacted with me, I would have flourished so much more.

I heavily stimmed using music. The repetitive beats and heavy bass was my thing. So when my mom wanted to punish me for something, one of the first things she'd do was take away my ipod/mp3 whatever I had. WORST thing was when she ONLY took my (very specific) headphones.

To her, it was taking away something fun. A luxury item. A toy basically.

But to me, it was taking away a very heavily ingrained stim that I NEEDED to do, and could not do without very specific criteria (specific headphones and a specific playlist/style of music)

So of course I would become horribly disregulated. Which I'd then have to attempt to mask/or recluse to avoid her so she wouldn't see how bad it unraveled me.

Because to her, being disregulated/unraveled was "acting up", "catching an attitude", "being disrespectful/rude".

Gods. Looking back I truly hate how she did me wrong in that way. Not just my stim but EVERYTHING. All my needs were either dismissed or half-met.

She is one of those people who thinks sure adhd/autism exists but not in HER family. Not in HER children. She even tried to blame it on the father of her children and it couldn't possibly have had anything to do with her.

..... we not only ALL have different fathers, but after observing both memories of her and her now, she is ALSO autistic and in total denial.

I definitely still harbor resentment because of that. She had me "evaluated". Once. At a time where they still heavily leaned on the male criteria for adhd, and autism wasnt really addressed/acknowledged unless it was severely debilitating. But also, by the time she had me evaluated, I'd already spent a few years (unknowingly) masking due to peers and family creating that need. So the conclusion was "there MIGHT be something divergent about her but we couldnt say for sure at this time" and she took that as "nope she's good, just a problem child. Carryon." Never again to be addressed.

She barely acknowledged that one of my brothers (previously a sister) was diagnosed adhd.

She only acknowledged another brother's adhd&autism diagnosis because the school he went to was very accommodating and insisted that he be evaluated and guess what.

Once he was diagnosed, and they rearranged his class schedules to fit his needs, he did a 180 and graduated top of his class. THRIVED. I both LOVE that he got that and HATE that I never did. I barely got through school.

It wasn't for lack of love of learning. I just, learned different, but was ALSO heavily overloaded with how crammed my courses were. I always wonder if I'd gotten the same accommodations, would I have thrived? Would school have been a drastically different/positive experience/memory for me? I'll never know. Because my mother was so against the idea that anything was divergent about me and absolutely mentally stuffed me into her little idea of an ideal neurotypical child that I never had a chance...

Now that I know I'm also AuDHD, like most of my siblings and even an aunt, I feel validated. I had seen vlogs and blogs about people more and more coming out about how they handle life and their coping skills and hacks theyve learned and after starting to apply those to myself... gods I've improved so much.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. But now knowing what issues are and how to cope and get around things, I'm a lot better off.

This is only ONE reason of several why my relationship with my mother has gone sour. What's sad is she doesn't really realize it yet? I havent been able to compose myself enough to have THE CHAT.

About how she hurt me a lot. Intentional or not. (Like not knowing taking away my music was taking away a stim) I don't know how to have this chat. Tbh I thought about writing a longass letter. Because in the past whenever she's been confronted about anything she's done wrong, she spirals into defense mode and wont even entertain the conversation beyond that point and you get... nowhere.

So maybe in person the bulk of the talk wont happen. I feel like. I need to hand her a letter. Have her read it. And maybe have a succinct chat before parting ways.

Because I wanted to be close to her for so long, that I either didn't realize or knowingly ignored her problem behaviors and looking back... she just... gods that's a whole other post for the future....

If you've read this far thank you. If you've had similar familial experiences, lmk (if you're comfy)

I just....... *sigh*.... yep.

[spookyteeth]

little different then what i usually post about but a bit pissed off and honestly just a rant

Alright, basically for context, I guess: Autism, ASD, ADHD, dyslexia, etc. (but autism is important for this rant) runs both sides in my family; we're all VERY neurodivergent. Though we're usually high-functioning and can mask well, it's still very visible. (like the magnet thing where neurodivergent people make friends with neurodivergent people because they're like drawn to them,, or something??? I like to call it 'your people finder')

The rant: In my life, I've been diagnosed with ADHD, and I am currently on medication, though something we've noticed is that I'm also showing signs of high-functioning autism. which is like, 'Oh cool, I guess I should get tested because, honestly, why haven't I before? I'm most likely going to get a positive result, and I think a diagnosis would help my 504 and shit.' So I went through the testing, which was honestly really… weird? I felt like I was being tested on only one end of the spectrum to see if I had a good reaction time, if I could read social cues, and if I could decipher figures of speech. Which was like alright, okay, I guess that's some signs that should be written down, important knowledge, I guess. So I get my results in,, waiting 3 weeks for this,, did 1000+ questions for this,, did 3 hours of testing for this,, to turn up as negative. I'm not upset I got negative. I'm not one to glorify autism or make up some shit to feel special. I'm upset because I've been looking through the diagnosis system, and the place I live has a mindset of 'you're only autistic if you flap your hands, can't pick up on how the other person is feeling, you're good at noticing patterns, etc.' or just that low-functioning autism is the only way of autism and that's not fucking okay??? I understand how autism has not been around for like a really long time (which is actually very interesting; I would recommend reading about Donald Triplett), and we really only have studies on male-bodied people (which is a whole thing about how autism is represented differently in different sexes), but it's actually hard to get an autism diagnosis. Like if you're male-bodied or female-bodied, and especially if you're an intersexed person. (Like, come on, dude, it's already hard enough for one sex to be severely undiagnosed, but two?? Really??) Though, I guess I give props for them noticing I have ADHD and saying I most likely have anxiety and a small chance of OCD.

Conclusion: I don't give a fuck if I'm not autistic or not; this diagnosis system needs to change. At least where I'm from; I'm not sure how it is in other places.

SORRY ABOUT THE LONG ASS RANT, and thanks for reading!! Please don't feel the need to respond or comfort to this, I'm just sharing my frustration.

Adding: I know self diagnosing (the one that's actually well educated not the tiktok shit where they spread misinformation so they can get attention) is common due to this, I just wish shit like this was more.. easy? Like easy to go though the process of getting an actual diagnosis, or even the chance to get one. Which, I am lucky to have that chance of at least getting tested, I admit.

[olderthannetfic]

Hi there! I hope you're having a nice day.

Little bit of a rant and a bid for advice, if you or your readers have any. I hope that's alright.

I'm currently writing a fic or maybe multiple fics (plot bunnies be running rampant in me brains) about a rarepair of two guys. I'm a bi woman and have basically zero social skills, so in order to properly understand other people's body language, I like to look up guides or articles about body language between two people, although I know those things are full of bullshit and don't mean anything, and it's hard to find articles for example about whether another woman's body language indicates interest in you if you're a woman yourself, but eh, they're still better than my brain which is usually like "eh, could mean this or that or this or that or this or that or- basically could be anything, I wouldn't know that lol, now I'm tired and will shut off, bye" aka useless as well.

The results I've found have been absolutely useless. I like writing characters in a slightly plausible-sounding way, so I like incorporating body language as in acting choices or subconscious body language (or whatever a proper term might be) in my writing to make it sound more in-character. So for stuff like this, I usually just think "ok what is that person's expression and if I do it, what would that indicate me to be feeling currently", and I don't know if other people do that or if that's just me being bad with social stuff and intuition about it again, and if I should really try to get re-evaluated for autism which I have been advised to think about doing multiple times in multiple direct and indirect implicative ways such as people being like "hey btw are you autistic? no? you sure?" or "I know you got a negative diagnosis as a kid, but maybe that was wrong and you might wanna do it again because of all your social struggles and sensory stuff etc.", heh. (Have been diagnosed with ADHD though, so that might also just be it.)

Sorry for the rambling. English isn't my first language, so if anything sounds strange, that's to blame.

My question or rather bid for advice is: I am wondering if you or your readers might have any advice on where to find resources for reading body language and romantic or sexual implications in body language between two parties, in this case between two guys.

(Hopefully this is not too nonsensical or insensitive or something like that because that's not my intention. I just really don't know how to human or if there actually is some difference on how different people of different genders flirt consciously or subconsciously or if that's some weird unnoticed transphobic bio-essentialism shit that I hadn't yet noticed and sorted out of my head because I don't want to be transphobic since that sucks.)

--

Weeell...

If people have links to guides, that's great, but I do think that in the context of fanfic, people often write flirting that they find sexy or they write whatever the canon style of interaction is and recontextualize it as how these particular guys flirt.

They're not usually thinking "What does flirting look like in general?" and then having the characters behave in a new way.

A lot of our interpretation of body language in written fiction has to do with information we get from the POV character about how they're feeling internally. For the non-POV character, we may have the POV character's thoughts on what the body language means, but we're generally interpreting it based on media cliches and based on knowing this is a ship fic.

So the other dude acts like he doesn't like our POV dude and the POV dude is like "Alas, my pining is unrequited!" and the audience goes "Ooooh, it's one of those fics!"

If the goal is writing certain types of fic, you may not need a guide to How People Really Act as much as one to How Fans Interpret Such and Such a Behavior from Canon as Subtext.

[fleshengine]

K I need to type this up somewhere, I just need to talk about it. This is definitely vent-y so enjoy this cut.

Here's the story so far.

When I was a child my mother married a man with two kids. They were my step brothers and they both have some combination of adhd/autism. They were also both particularly high needs, largely because their mother was a massive enabler and didn't let her kids learn to do things for themselves. So my mom, when confronted with the fact that she had two kids that needed a lot of support, and two kids who she had raised well enough to be fairly self governing, decided to largely neglect her own kids in favor of the louder, more needy, children of someone else. Yes I hate cuckoo birds, I'm a victim of brood parasitism.

Because I found my step brothers incredibly annoying and they were also the reason I was neglected as a child, I internalized a lot and I mean a LOT of ableism. Between the faces of adhd and autism being my cuckoobrothers and the face of depression being my older sister, I was determined to be the normal and productive and "good" child of the family. I hated them, I watched them pop pills and continue to have problems and I fantasized about being a successful engineer someday and them coming to me for money and denying them. This was in no way healthy and I am ashamed of the things I thought but in younger me's defense he was a neglected, abused, and sad little boy.

Fast forward many years, my mom has divorced the dad of the cuckoobrothers, I haven't spoken to them in years, my sister has moved out. I find myself in online spaces that open me up to the idea that I could be neurodivergent, I could have adhd, autism, depression. It takes a while but I push through my internalized ableism and one night I sit down with my mom and I talk about how much ableism I internalized from hating my ex step brothers and how it had taken me a while to work up to talking to her about it. But I told her that I thought I had adhd and/or autism and/or depression and that I wanted to talk to a doctor about it. A major step forward in the life of anyone with a problem of some kind is admitting you have it. By all rights this should've been a turning point in my life.

She told me there wasn't anything wrong with me. She told me that she felt the same way all the time and that it was normal. Nevermind that I had evidence. Nevermind that she made jokes about being autistic. Nevermind all of that. There was clearly nothing wrong with me, so the topic was dropped.

It's been years. I don't have a diagnosis for autism, or take antidepressants or really consider that I might have ADHD. I can't bring myself to think of myself in those contexts. Yes, I admit that I'm likely autistic. Yes I admit that I am depressed. I say I could have adhd but I don't know for sure. I don't joke about depression or adhd and I get livid when other people do. I just refuse to admit that it's okay in my head. I cannot reconcile my feelings and reality and the cognitive dissonance tears me apart.

I'm entering my fourth year of college, I had my first day of classes yesterday. I have barely scraped by, through the generosity and understanding of professors and faculty. I failed over 3/4 of my classes in my first year. I had to write a plea letter to be allowed to stay. I have groveled and wrestled with my own mind every day and it has barely been enough. I don't talk to my mom much, I actually sort of actively avoid her. But she called me this afternoon.

The call was actually really nice, I got caught up on her life and I did a little catch up of my own. She talked more than me and interupted me and I did a good job of not getting angry. I had a good time, we laughed about things. I was considering coming up to her place on Friday to see her and her band perform somewhere. She started talking about her current bf, how he's the kind of ADHD where he has just a couple things that he really hyperfocuses on. Then she went to contrast that with herself.

And she excitedly told me that she was getting on ADHD meds soon.

You know, I want to be happy for her I really do. You're supposed to celebrate people working on themselves. You're supposed to cheer them on. I lasted less than a minute. I reminded her of how she had shot me down when I was a kid. She brushed it off with a quick apology and started explaining how my sister had helped her come to terms with it. I told her I had to leave the call before I said something hurtful. Which was true, if I had stayed much longer I probably would've asked to go no contact again and told her that I hate her and she let me be ruined and how much better of a person I could've been if she had had more than two braincells to rub together back then. I left the call. I cried. I sent a message to my dad about it. I talked to my best friend. I wrote this.

There's still a corner of my mind that hates people who openly admit they have adhd. It sees my ex step older brother in all of them. How he would constantly blame his problems on his mental illness. How loudly he would sing that one line in AWOLNATION's Sail. My friend asks if we could make an extra stop while we're out and about to pick up their adhd meds and I hate them. My autobiographical writing prof cracks a joke about having adhd and I hate him. Someone I know blames her not having done a task on her adhd and I hate her. It's a little, hurt, angry part of my brain and I know it's wrong and I tell it it's wrong every time it comes up and I don't let its anger show through. But every time I consider that I might have adhd it hates me too.

fin, done, the end, fuck this shit

ps if my friend who needed to pick up meds sees this I love you pookie, you're a real one and please don't misinterpret me talking about how my internalized ableism manifests as me expressing hatred towards you, you're genuinely one of my best friends and you have given me a couple of the best nights of my life, as well as by far the best birthday I've had. I don't know what I'd do without you.

pps if my best friend who recently got on adhd meds and loves them sees this... yes it was incredibly hard to hear that but at the same time I was so happy for you. The pain has mostly gone and the happiness has only grown. I love you so much.

[cyberabbit]

You said ADHD and autism aren't real and then said a lot of BPD diagnosed girls were actually autistic. Can I ask for explaining? Sincere.

not really sure why i'm being grilled because this comes across as pro-psychiatry but okay.

adhd and autism aren't real because they're ways of problematising and pathologising behaviour that can't be exploited to maximise profit for late-capitalism. they take a series of traits and turn them into a "disorder" because they cannot be exploited, and they reject the constructs of the society they're part of. so, they're not real. they are not disorders. they're a series of grouped traits that are just undesirable in terms of labour exploitation, so the fault is placed on the individual. even the term neurodivergence (which encompasses more than adhd and autism) implies a normal vs abnormal.

adhd is the one i take issue with the most, because it assumes that there is a problem with not adhering to an unobtainable level of productivity, and you must therefore be medicated to be a good little worker bee. i think we should acknowledge that rather than make sob story relatable comics about it.

tl;dr shorthand term that's easiest to use when talking about this, but a series of traits that could easily be catered for if there wasn't an obsession with "productivity"

for eases sake, we'll use those horrible, flawed, medically abusive terms when discussing why BPD is a diagnosis of violence. it's simply a way of saying one set of traits is diagnosed as something else based on gender, sexuality, class, race etc. it's pathologising distress caused by refusal to meet the needs above, and giving it a different name.

so yes, none of them are real imo. but in terms of what psychs love doing, they use a very lazy misogynistic diagnosis because they cannot see that they use a very gendered lens in doing so. and while any of these diagnoses are terrible, bpd is a particularly life-ruining one that disproportionately affects people who experience misogyny.

to be anti-capitalist and acab is to also acknowledge that psychiatry is a tool of these, and support abolition.

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Personal rant bc we haven't gotten my official results yet but we did get a very stressful phone call about it, and because adhd has been kicking my ass lately. This is going to be long and rambly and all over the place, and if you're anti self-dx, I wouldn't suggest reading further (or interacting with me in general). It also sort of becomes just me psychoanalyzing my own behavior and infodumping about it

-------------------------------------------------------

For context, I'm autistic and adhd, and I went and talked to a psychologist a couple weeks ago and had some testing done

Personally, I don't really feel the need to have an official diagnosis for autism. I'm confident in my informed self-diagnosis (technically it was actually my parents who first suggested I might be autistic but I've learned a lot about it since then and now I'm pretty sure I'm more convinced than they are) and I just don't think a doctor's note will do much for me (totally understand and support anyone who does want to get diagnosed tho). Adhd however is another story. If I want meds that will actually work and accommodations with my school, they need proof, and as things are I am desperate for some help.

So the appointment I had a couple weeks ago was supposed to be for adhd testing, but apparently he also lowkey tested me for autism while we were there. Which like, fine, whatever, it would be sort of nice to have that validated I guess, but when we checked back in with him on the phone earlier this week he started using outdated and problematic terms like high-functioning and aspergers and I'll just say that it did not exactly inspire confidence

But that can of worms aside, let me get back to (mostly) adhd related ranting

I feel like there could be an essay about how the diagnostic process for adhd is flawed and doesn't work all that well for people who have an internalized notion that their worth as a person is dependent on their academic success and task performance and therefore spent their childhood and adolescence funneling all their efforts time and attention into school and generally being seen as a good well-behaved bright kid out of desperation to have value (and it worked- I've always made good grades, but what people don't see is the days, weeks, months of paralyzed procrastination, the anxiety-fueled mad rush in the end to get things done late, and the grace I'm inexplicably shown every time, without which my grades would be much worse)

I'm scared, that I'm going to be determined "too high functioning" to be diagnosed even though I'm currently doing basically nothing with my life outside of college and yet I'm technically failing like half of my classes right now, that they're going to say "well the signs weren't there when you were younger" even though there's a variety of explanations for why that might be, not the least of which being the fact that for some folks with both autism and adhd the traits of the two have a tendency to "hide" one another

Apparently he also ran an iq test on me, and he broke down the 5 scores to us; I scored in the upper average/above average bracket in all but the 4th, processing speed, in which I'm below average. And like yeah, I'm well aware that I'm slow, but I guess it's official now-

Anyway, my main point with the iq thing was that while he was telling us about my high scores in the first 3 areas, I'm sitting here getting more and more uneasy, bc I'm like yeah sure I'm intelligent or whatever but it isn't worth shit if I can't motivate myself to actually do anything with that potential, and the conditions under which I was tested just don't reflect my day to day life closely enough to give an accurate reading, in my opinion.

Basically I'm afraid this guy is going to look at the results of some tests- tests which I was really focused on bc of the intrinsic fear of failure that plagues my existence (even though rationally I know you can't fail a psychological evaluation) and bc I know it's a bitch of a process to even get tested in the first place and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity goddammit-

That he's going to look at them and decide that I'm "too smart" to have a learning disability, when, again, all the brains in the world wouldn't do me any good if I

1) don't have the ability to self-motivate and direct them at what I need to be working on, even if I've been beating myself up about that pile of homework or my disaster of a room for weeks or even months, and

2) have such a loose grasp on the concept of time and priorities that I have on multiple occasions found myself pulling all-nighters on personal projects or reading for pleasure or scrolling on my phone only to realize oh shit I have to get up for school in like two hours, oh fuck, I'm going to be exhausted all day, what happened to "let's go to sleep early this time, I'll just do this for like 5 more minutes and then call it a night"

or realize after one of those all-nighters that what was actually a period of about 10 hours feels more like 10 minutes to me ("man wasn't I literally just here to get dinner" the next morning, passing the caf on my way to class on exactly 0 hours of sleep and still having managed not to get any of my actual class work done in all that time)

And also just that tendency in itself is significant, to get so deeply hooked on something once it does manage to get my attention, that I often feel like I can't stop until outside forces demand it- staying up until 4am on a school night painting my phone case and texting my crush (14 or 15), making bracelet after bracelet at the kitchen table at ungodly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep and now that I'm on a roll I don't want to break the momentum (18, a few months ago), throwing horrific amounts of time at reading fanfiction of whatever series currently has my interest when I have so much work that needs to get done if I want to have a chance at passing my courses this semester (18, basically present), making a last minute birthday present for my aunt and being so caught up in the rush and the craft of what I was working on that I ignored my body's needs until I ended up pissing myself (12), etc

The fact that I've been meaning to catch up with my high school friends for weeks or months, literally something as simple as a "how have yall been" in the group chat, yet for some reason I still haven't gotten around to it

The fact that for all my alleged intelligence I still haven't learned to ride a bike or drive a car or apply for a job or develop a work-life balance or play any of the instruments I want to or have a thriving social life or feel like a person (I think these are more autism-related but I'm throwing them in anyway)

The fact that minor (or even just mistakenly perceived) disapproval or judgment or teasing or having a text left on read can send me spiraling into anxiety and convinced that everyone hates me and that I'm worthless or obnoxious or stupid (rejection sensitivity is a bitch)

The fact that when I try to read I have to make a constant conscious effort not to jump ahead and all over the place and I often have to reread the same passage multiple times to understand it because I realize that I wasn't actually paying attention the first couple of times, my mind elsewhere and my eyes wandering

I know even if I do get diagnosed they'll say it's inattentive, not hyperactive or combined, because the majority of my hyperactivity is either fairly subtle movements (because I'm socially anxious and clumsy and don't want to draw attention to myself or run the risk of breaking or disturbing something) or just straight up in my head. Like sure I'm not a nine year old boy who can't sit still in class and is constantly bouncing around all over the place and getting into trouble and driving his parents and teachers crazy (bc being seen as annoying and unruly by authority figures would have broken me), but there's always so much noise in my brain, it's always talking or playing music in the background or thinking about the 47 different projects I need to be working on and the media it wants to be engaging with instead and the 1000s of things there are to worry about in a day; sometimes I'll get stuck in a loop where I'm mentally repeating a word or phrase over and over and over again until I feel like I'm going crazy

All of this is stuff that this guy doesn't see, and that worries me when it comes to the validity of his assessment

But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I swear to god if the people around me don't believe that there's clearly something not neurotypical going on here I'm going to fucking riot

And, ranting aside, I want to end this post with a note to all my fellow neurodiverse folks who are waiting for answers or treatment or validation or support or whatever.

I feel you. Hang in there. You have my well wishes in your endeavors. And remember, it's ok to be happy with or proud of who you are and what makes you different, it's ok to embrace your neurodiversity while also acknowledging how difficult it can be to live with and the fact that you might need extra time or support with things that seem to come easily to other people. It's ok to admit that it's fucking hard sometimes, and it's ok to ask for help. Take care, mates

[samsayswhatever]

So my mom got officially diagnosed with Autism today.

Her aunt has been diagnosed for years, so it was already kinda in my medical history. But I'm not sure how to feel about it. It was obvious to me and basically everyone, but a lot of people online have mentioned having bad side effects of getting the medical diagnosis in your records. Such as doctors or the government treating you worse because of it.

She got it so she could get into some kind of therapy that wouldn't be paid for without a diagnosis, and it was really important to her (also so she didn't need to get a 4th job). But I just hope it will be ok. And it's kinda nice to have a doctor see what we see.

And it prob means I have it, which doctors have strongly suggested/stated that I have it, but I was never tested. I was tested for ADHD and Dyslexia and I got those official diagnosis, and I think I have official diagnosis for anxiety and depression, because I'm being treated for them but who knows. I was also treated for Lyme disease and low thyroid when the tests came back inconclusive so it's all just weird. Just a lil rant.

Just a note: Apparently it was a written test, and my mom covered the test with color-coded questions and notes with a little key in the corner to explain what the colors meant. She also made sure to write why she was answering the way she was, and indicated the alternate answers depending on if she was misunderstanding the underlying assumptions of the questions.

Anyway, I feel like whoever graded the test probably knew the diagnosis before they even started grading.