#if the reason you stopped eating was due to weight fears then going back on that is gonna make you gain weight more than ever in your life

[emdotcom]

Shout out to folks suffering with eating disorders. I hope you know that whatever body you have is worthy of love, & I hope your next meal is filling.

It's hard to quit, once you start to starve yourself, but even if you can just start small by getting a snack when hungry, I think you can & should break out of that. I've been hungry, in this life, & I don't think anyone deserves what it does to you.

[emeraldtart]

Hey there, been awhile. Just wanted to ask if you could do another post on Gold Watcher!Yuu. I kind of just want to know what their relationships with the dorm leaders are? Like do they get along with one of them the best? Do they avoid a certain dorm leader for some reason or another? Is it a one sided fear relationship? Just wondering if you're up to write again for this version of Yuu.

Sure thing!

So all the dorm leaders were wary of Yuu (except of Kalim of course because, he's, well, Kalim) at first, because they have no idea what the heck they are and what the mirror said when Crowley tried to send them back.

Riddle Rosehearts

I'm pretty sure there's a rule about statues in the QOH Rulebook.

Riddle was wary of Yuu because his Unique Magic doesn't seem to affect them, as their magic came from a different source than Twisted Wonderlandian magic.

Although, after his Overblot Riddle appreciates them for their good manners.

Yuu sometimes help out with preparing for any Heartslabyul events, as they are quite used to prepare events that Lord Malak does sometimes with the Reaper Nurses.

Leona Kingscholar

Probably started off the worst with GW!Yuu, as they're made of gold they almost flatten his tail.

Also, since Yuu is from hell/limbo/realm of the dead, Leona can't help but feel a chill when they're near.

Since Yuu is a sort of psychopomp being created by Malak to catch people like Doug and bring them to him, I think to beastmen, fae and merfolks their presence felt like death knocking on their door.

But over time their presence blends in to the world, giving said students time to adjust to them being there.

Back to Leona, he doesn't mind them at all. Although he does have to ask Yuu not to give Ruggie any of their countless karat axes because good lord they're going to kill the economy in Twisted Wonderland.

Azul Ashengrotto

Looks at Yuu and thinks, "It's free real estate,"

But he won't get any of them because Leona said no and Crowley prohibits any distribution of Yuu's axes.

And don't even think of picking them up because they'll all dissappear after a day or so.

Anyway, Yuu might help Azul with the accounting aspect of Monstro Lounge. They've been doing the job of keeping track of the gold at the Watchers' Mansion for centuries, as they sometimes snatch whatever valuables the intruders left when they die.

Bonus: Floyd tries to squeeze Yuu but ending up hurting himself instead. Doesn't mean he'll stop it.

Kalim Al-Asim

Was very curious about Yuu and wonders how they're a statue that could move.

Instantly regrets it when Yuu tells them where Gold Watchers come from.

But anyway, Yuu would like Kalim for his riches, but slightly dislike his naivety for giving them away.

Of course, their dislike is heavily out weighted due to Kalim's personality.

They can't eat anything in the banquets Kalim threw, but his presence makes them feel full nevertheless.

Vil Schoenheit

Yuu likes to hang out at Pomefiore dorms, reminded them of home.

Vil just accepts Yuu's existence because... There isn't really any guide on what to do with a living statue that also happens to be your fellow student.

Vil probably attempts to put makeup on Yuu out of curiosity.

He ends up doing special effects make-up instead.

Yuu enjoys it, they look like stone now.

Time to do chaos >:)

Idia Shroud

Idia was roaming around school, trying to get his package that arrived that evening that he overlooked.

When somebody greets him from behind and he sees a smiling statue staring at him with hollow eyes.

He passed out on the spot, got a free ride on Charon's boat, pet Cerberus, said hi to Hades and Persephone, before being sent back to the world of the living.

When he came to be, Ortho said that the prefect of Ramshackle came to Ignihyde and put him on bed. Also, there's a tart there with a note saying sorry.

Malleus Draconia

Malleus probably noticed them when Yuu was pretending to be a regular statue.

He was admiring them out loud when they heard Yuu snickering, saying it's been a while since someone complimented them, but the first time someone compliment their more statue features.

They leapt off from the pedestal, and before you know it they started to talk the night away.

Malleus is a dragon, so he maybe mentally claims Yuu into his horde.

He'd be one of the very few who are allowed to keep Yuu's axe.

Yuu gave it for his birthday because they don't know what to go to Malleus.

[ellieclaireblack]

sanctuaire | sanctuary

sanctuary | noun your safe and peaceful haven a comforting place of refuge and rest in a noisy, chaotic world

{brother's best friend | fem!reader x james potter} ⪼ warnings: mentions of abuse, panic attack, disorderd eating ⪼ word count: 2k

part two: unforgivables playlist

story: sanctuaire | sanctuary

“What in the world is going on?” I got awoken by a shout and shot up. James beside me stirred and we were faced with Sirius’ face in ours.

“What are you doing here?” my twin brother faced me. 

“Sirius, I can explain.” I got up from the bed, but Sirius was already walking away, clearly hurt. I didn’t see any reasoning behind his actions but there was no way to stop him. Shouting his name several times helped nothing, except for waking even Peter, who was sleeping like the dead normally.

I sank to the floor and put my face in my palms. Suddenly two lanky arms wrapped around me. “Hey don’t despair, he’s going to calm down. You know how he gets and he’s hurt too.” Remus told me. “The two of you just need to talk.” James spoke up from the bed.

“Yeah but he’ll have to come to me, I definitely won’t make the first step. Not after him overreacting like that.” I told the two still feeling hurt. It wasn’t just Sirius not wanting to listen to me. There was just so much bottled up rage and fear inside of me. Fear that we might not surpass this, that our relationship might never be fixed again. Rage that my mother was such a terrible person, that my dad didn’t do anything against her. It was incredibly frustrating knowing you couldn’t help the one person you looked up most to, even more frustrating not being able to talk to that person even if you needed their opinion most.

“y/n please don’t be as stubborn as him, you know that way you’ll never get over this.”

“Believe me Rem I’m trying. Now I’ve got to get back to my dorm. I need to make myself ready for school.”

“Wait, I'll bring you down with my Invisibility Cloak so nobody gets suspicious of you wandering around in your pajamas.” I looked down at my body and realized what I was wearing, the cut of my pajamas was revealing quite a lot of my cleavage and due to the cold my nipples poked through the fabric. I crossed my hands over my chest and nodded at James to get up. He got the cue and we made our way to the dungeons.

“Nightbane” I whispered the password to the common room, squeezed James’ arm and slipped inside knowing I would see him later. 

────────────────  ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ⋆ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅  ──────────────────

I went up to my room and quickly got dressed, since it was a school day I wore the school uniform. In the bathroom I met Flo who looked like she was about to throw up on me.

“Bonjour, qu'est-ce qui ne va pas chez vous? [Good morning, what’s wrong with you?]” I asked her switching into French, all children of the Sacred 28 spoke it fluently and sometimes we would switch into talking it without noticing. 

Flo made a sound that sounded close to hurling and pressed out “Sick.”

“Merde! [Shit] Give me 5 and I’ll get you to the infirmary.” I exclaimed and proceeded to make my hair via a few spells and brush my teeth. Applying perfume was the last step. 

Then I grabbed Florence’s hands and pulled her up. With most of her weight leaning on me I quickly fetched my bag filled with school essentials and we were on the way to the infirmary. 

────────────────  ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ⋆ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅  ──────────────────

After I left Flo in Madam Pomfrey’s hands I made my way to the great hall. I found Theo and Adam and sat beside them. I sipped on my tea when I felt eyes staring at me. I deduced it was my twin brother and his entourage. Not shooting Sirius another look I got up again not having touched my toast and made my way to our first class of the day.

────────────────  ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ⋆ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅  ──────────────────

Miss Aurelia Granville, a former auror, taught the Defence against the Dark Arts class. Consisting of Gryffindor and Slytherin. Can you believe my bad luck? 

Beside me was an empty seat, that’s where Flo usually sat. The first day back and she was already sick I couldn’t endure the day without her. The scraping of a chair startled me and I looked up to find James’ boyish grin smiling at me. The corner of my mouth quirked up but fell down as soon as I saw my brother behind him. It turned into a frown when I realized a few of my fellow Slytherins would report me sitting next to a Gryffindor to my dearest mother.

James sat down nonetheless and before I could protest Professor Granville entered the room. "Good morning class. I hope you had an amazing holiday. Today we're going to talk about the Unforgivable Curses."

In half a second all of the color drained from my face. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my heart beat so fast that it hurt. Every curse my mother threw at me came crashing down. Every part of my body ached feeling the strike of the Cruciatus Curse on my body.

"First of all can anyone tell me how many unforgivable curses are." "Three Miss." Remus answered. "That's correct, Mr Lupin."

"And who can tell how those three are called?" Everyone remained silent not wanting to speak up and saying those three words, scared it would have an effect on the speaker itself. “No one? Come, Miss Black I know you know this."

My eyes shot uo. Why of all the students did she have to pick me? "There's the Avada Kedavra curse, for instantaneous death. The Imperio curse, for total control. And-'' My fingers shook violently now. "The Cru-Crucio curse, for excruciating pain." "Well done Miss Black. 10 points to Slytherin."

I hid my hands under the desk, but it was too late. James had already seen them. Tears were forming in my eyes and James grew more anxious by the second. It felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. Minutes passed and the only thing I heard was the blood rushing in my ears. I could see Professor Granvilles lips moving but couldn’t understand a single she was saying.

I had to get out of here. "Professor Granville?" I said raising my hand, doing my best to keep it from shaking. "May I be excused for a moment." With a nod from her I shot up and hurried out of the classroom. 

Running now, the tears were streaming down my face and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I hid in a corner trying to even my breath. Nothing worked. Over the last few years panic attacks were nothing unusual for me, but not at Hogwarts. This was the only place where I felt safe, except when the reminder of reality got to me in the form of letters from my parents.

Time seemed to stop moving and I still couldn't stop shaking. Suddenly I felt a hand on my arm. Looking up I spotted James. Worry and concern etched into his features. "y/n, what's going on? Please talk to me." He pleaded.

When he realized I couldn't answer him, because I was having a panic attack he knelt down on the ground in front of me and took my face into his hands. "Mimic my breathing. Come on, you've got this." I did as he told me and slowly felt like I could talk again.

"Tell me five things you see come on."

"You..., a window, my shoes, the ground..., a painting." I slowly got out. "You're doing great love. Five things you hear come on." "You, my heart, the clock ticking, uh- the wind outside and—and the steps of the other students." "Amazing y/n, are you okay again?"

"Yes I uh think so. Thank you J." He pulled me into a hug holding me close.

The bell rang and I realized I missed the whole lesson, that's probably why James went looking for me. All of a sudden Sirius was standing in front of us. Looking just as worried as James earlier.

“What the hell did she do to you?” He nearly shouted, I winced at his loud words and some more tears spilled down my cheeks.

Sirius crouched down beside me and took both of my hands into his. Looking me deep into my eyes he told me “y/n tell me this instant before I lose my mind, please.” James shot confused glances between us.

“I, Sirius, I- can’t.” Was all I got out squeezing his hands slightly. Overwhelmed from all the crying and memories rushing over me. Overwhelmed from being so close to my brother again. My everything, even though I never meant the same to him, he’s the person I’d move mountains for.

“James, could you leave us for a minute” Sirius told his best friend and James shot up and was gone so quickly you could think he’d never been there. Now it was just Sirius and I in the little alcove. Luckily it was so secluded that nobody was able to spot us. I couldn’t have the whole school seeing me having a breakdown.

“Come on now, Dimples. It’s just the two of us.” He said, calling me by his childhood nickname for me.

I took a few deep breaths steading me. “The night- uh when you.. left. Walburga went berserk. Never in my life have I been so scared of her. She banned Reggie to his room thank god and then took most of her anger out on me. She threw some Unforgivables in the mix and today just brought back a lot of memories I guess.”

Sirius looked stunned for a moment before he gathered himself to answer me. “I- oh god. y/n/n I can’t believe she did that. I mean I’m used to a few curses from her, but Unforgivables. I- it’s all my fault and I’m so sorry. But you know I couldn’t have stayed any longer. She-”

“I know how she is. I get it, believe me I do. What I don’t get is why you couldn’t tell me you were leaving. Would it have been so hard? I know I don’t stand a chance against James. From the moment you met him, he was the sibling you never had. But guess what you have two siblings. You were Reggie’s and my role model growing up, never backing down from Walburga. I get it was hard and when you finally found James you could just forget about Reg and me for some time. I know how hard everything was for you. But that doesn’t justify your actions.”

“You really think that?” A tiny nod from me was all it took for him. I could see his heart break right then and there. Millions of tiny splinters. Years of realization washing over him. “Oh. Oh y/n. You can’t be for real. You and Reg were always my priority. James may be my brother in spirit, but the two of you- I could never not for one minute forget about you. Since day one you’ve been a part of me, infused in my every vain and the day Reggie was born even at two years old I vowed myself to always love and protect him. I never wanted to make you feel like I loved you less, when the both of you are the people I love most in this entire world.” 

A tear spilled from his cheek, mirroring my feelings. To all the people saying communication is key. Wow. One talk and years of insecurity and doubt faded into the background. I reached out and hugged my twin as hard as I could. Never wanting to let go again. He reciprocated the embrace and we spent some minutes sitting there. The worries about our parents, our differences, our fight being unimportant for now.

a/n: i'm back guys. did you miss me? i haven't been inspired lately and incredibly stressed but i finally got back today. i'll try to upload another part maybe even today (i'm in a flow rn) xoxo and lots of love ellie <3 p.s. it's only half proof read so i hope i didn't make any mistakes

[lovers2death]

"Stop looking at the door."

SYNOPSIS ;; Shane, your loving husband, is so tired of your eyes being glued to the front door of your home. Why can't you just accept the life he's built for you? He worked so hard just for you. Please, just stop looking at that damn door.

WARNINGS ;; Yandere!Shane, implied kidnapping-ish, non-con kissing, this is pretty light hearted to be honest, likely not proof-read, Y/N is NOT used.

REQUESTED BY ;; Nobody! Cooked this up on my own!!

WORD/CHARACTER COUNT ;; 737 words 3,957 characters

MDNI!!! DEAD DOVE; DO NOT EAT

╭──────────.★..─╮ You really couldn't help where your gaze fell. Drawn like a moth to a flame, it constantly rested on your one (conventional) exit; the front door. Oh how you longed to go out once again, to feel the sun beating down on your now paled skin. Shane never let you leave, and you doubt the thought had even ever crossed the man's mind. Not once.

Oh but how it crossed yours. It was all you could do, really. He didn't let you lift a finger. Hungry? He could make something for you- or simply go out to get something if he didn't feel like cooking. All the chores were mostly done, and if you tried to finish, or tidy up more than he already had, Shane wasn't shy to show how cross with the idea he was, ushering you back into bed. Maybe at a time you would've found this behaviour endearing, even sweet. But now? All you wanted to do was work. Something, anything to make you feel alive.

The sound of the door opening surprised you, as whilst you were sucked into your own thoughts you hadn't even noticed the fact Shane was due to be home any moment. The man, for while he might've been mistaken for some sort of devil he was most certainly a man, smiled at you,

"Hello, love," he hummed chipperly as he walked to you, tone sickly sweet. God, you hated the way he spoke. His gruff voice dripping with honey, albeit poisoned. "Have fun while I was away?"

Really; you had no idea why he asked you questions like that. No, of course you hadn't had any fun. You were trapped inside. 'Insanity; doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result', you'd heard somewhere, and Shane truly fit this definition. And, perhaps, so did your staring past Shane at the door, almost attempting to will open the door.

"No, I did not." You replied flatly, not wanting to give your sick 'husband' any more attention than he was owed. Any more than you already had just by glancing to him. His smile faltered, swiftly being replaced with a frown. "No?" He parroted thoughtfully, "Well, it's okay, I'm here now,"

You could feel the bed dip with his weight as he sat next to your spot, his arm wrapping itself around your shoulders, "I got you," Shane mumbled sweetly, his thumb rubbing along your arm.

It took your entire being to not puke. You felt so disgusting when he touched you. It really surprised you that he hadn't forced himself upon you. Besides stuff like kissing, or cuddling, he'd never attempted anything below the waist, and not once did he attempt to grope at you without consent ether. A part of you wished to be thankful, but the other, larger, part reminded you he should not be thanked for not assaulting you. That was just human decency.

"Right.." you replied, though you didn't want to. But the warning squeeze he'd given to your arm was enough to tell you that he wanted his little bird to sing for him. Despite it all, your eyes hadn't strayed from the door, basically unblinking, too. "..Doll. Stop looking at that door." Shane suddenly snapped, his hand harshly squeezing your arm yet again, though harder this time, enough to where you were sure there'd be a mark.

"Ow-- Shane! You're hurting me-" you spluttered, eyes finally leaving the door to dart over to Shane, wide with fear. "I do everything for you; and all you can do is think of ways to leave me!" He exclaimed, venom in his voice, "It's not fair to me, sweets! Not fair, I tell you!"

And while your mind gave you every single reason he was wrong, how it was in fact VERY fair, you knew better than to talk back when he was riled up. Yes, you were stubborn, and could hold your own in a fight, but Shane as stubborn too, as well as stronger. It was a fight you knew you'd lose, and you didn't feel like having to play offense in your bedroom right now.

A sigh escaped Shane, and he leaned forward, pressing his lips against yours, "I love you, y'know," he said softly once he'd pulled away slightly. The feel of his lip against your own made you want to cry with disgust.

"I love you too." ╰─..★.──────────╯

[sketch-guardian]

(Forgive me for the word vomit and feel free to ignore this:)!)

The RAD classmates (all) having a very vivid Nightmare about Mc dieing in their arms or by their hands for an unknown reason being small nightmares that don’t effect them until they get the full nightmare watching themselves or some other demon kill/injure Mc them waking up unsure wether or not the nightmare was real or fake since it felt to real the weight and warmth of Mc’s body and the feeling of their body going cold their eyes glazing over as they mumbled saying “I’m sorry and it’s okay….” The anxiety of the possibility of them being the cause of death overwhelming them,Of course Mc is alive and well and notices the changes in them due to the nightmares,that or they immediately go over to Mc’s needing check they’re alive,Mc is asleep in their room when this happens or awake eating snacks and watching movies idk you choose! :) (small nightmares in the counting weeks as in small glimpses of what’s happening until they get the full picture of what happened Angel and demon classmates whichever demon classmates killing/injury Mc in the nightmare and angle classmates watching a random demon do it idc you choose!! So sorry for the word vomit!!)

Don't worry, it isn't a problem☺it can be helpful for writing🤷🏻in any case, I'll try my best with these headcanons, hoping they turn out good enough🙈based on the OCs' major fears, I made the nightmares different, I hope that's okay✨if such themes make you uncomfortable, please don't read:

"RAD CLASSMATES+NEW EXCHANGE STUDENTS HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT MC DYING"

TRIGGER WARNING: character death, blood, violence, murder, cannibalism, madness, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, heavy themes in general

DEMYA

Demya would have a fairly recurring dream about MC, a nightmare in which she would play as the monster, having committed the carnage, albeit not on purpose. In fact, one of Demya's greatest fears is of one day losing her lucidity and the control of her actions due to hunger, finding herself committing acts that she would bitterly regret, such as hurting MC. The thought of regaining consciousness and finding her hands soaked in blood, not just any but MC's, while they lay on the ground motionless, so wounded, almost unrecognizable...it would be to much to bear and it would be one of the few times in which, despite being full, Demya would really like to throw up, nauseated both by the sight and by herself, while desperately trying to revive MC, crying and shouting that she's sorry, that she didn't do it on purpose and that if they woke up, she would stop eating or even wear a muzzle despite her traumatic childhood short stint in a circus freakshow, but MC would remain lifeless. Once awoken from the nightmare in a cold sweat, Demya would immediately run to find her mate, needing to confirm that it was just a bad dream, ignoring the fact that by doing so, she would wake MC in the middle of the night. Once confirmed, a trembling Demya would burst into tears, hugging MC tightly and nuzzling herself against them while sobbing, asking for forgiveness and promising that she would never do such a thing. Demya would need to sleep beside MC that night, amidst their scent and warmth, to calm down. In the following days MC might notice Demya either eating with more difficulty or gorging herself to avoid having hunger at any cost, as if she feared her nightmare would become reality. MC would need to comfort Demya a little before she comes back to her senses

DOMNRA/MOBIM

The nightmares Domnra has are mostly memories of his fall from the Celestial Realm, in which he not only received scars, one of which left him blind in one eye, but was also cursed, resulting in his soul splitted in two, of which the other half belongs to Mobim. In fact, Domnra and Mobim, although they've different personalities, share the same soul and have a sort of telepathic bond, so it's no surprise that most of the time they also share the same dreams. Domnra's nightmare would consist in a probable return of the angel who punished him, as if apparently he didn't suffer enough for his sins and therefore to make Domnra learn the lesson once and for all and make him regret his betrayal for eternity, they would cast a curse on MC, but different from his own, painful, atrocious, incurable, to the point that in order to put MC out of they misery, Domnra would be forced to kill them out of pity or watch them die, despite how much he tried to save them. After such an irreparable gesture, Domnra would consider ending his life to reach MC, wherever they are, seeing it as the one and only solution not only to return to his partner, but also to stop suffering. Once he realizes that it was all just a nightmare, Domnra would have some trouble calming his labored breath, while Mobim, also in tears having shared the same dream, would try to comfort Domnra with trembling squeaks and small pats. Domnra wouldn't want to disturb in the middle of the night, but he would try to call MC's phone to ask if he can come over to spend the night, without too many explanations. Once with MC in his arms, Domnra would let out a few silent tears and gnash his teeth, while Mobim would be in the middle, still scared and in tears. MC's perception would be enough to understand what happened. In the following days, MC may notice Domnra being more protective and Mobim more clingy

AZUL

Azul has nightmares more often than he would like to admit and they usually concern the day his mind twisted and he completely lost control for a few minutes, risking hurting even his friends, i.e. the day he fell from grace. Azul is aware that he's quite unstable mentally and that his mood changes quite often, but it has been a long time since he has shown such a homicidal madness due to a mental breakdown and he would prefer it not to happen again, since the first time it happened, he risked harming Domnra too, if Zuri hadn't intervened in time. Azul's nightmare would probably consist of losing control and watching, as an external witness, himself murdering MC without being able to do anything to stop it. Only once he came to his senses, with MC's cold lifeless body in his arms, Azul would sob in an ugly way, apologizing and begging MC to come back to him, even if they hated him and decided to leave him, Azul would prefer that instead of losing MC like that, because nothing would matter anymore without them. Having woken up quite suddenly, once he realized it was just a nightmare, Azul would let out a few wet chuckles with his head in his hands, before going out and checking on MC. Azul would know that lying would be useless, since his colors would expose him, but still, after entering MC's room through the walls, he would ask in a quiet and tired tone if they can spend the night together. MC would need to reassure Azul before he feels like speaking more openly and they would notice that in the following days, Azul would seem less enthusiastic than usual

ZURI

Zuri doesn't dream very often, perhaps due to the fact that her mind is often too busy with work and plans, as the perfectionist she is in everyday life. If she were to get a nightmare with MC as the subject, however, Zuri would probably dream that some demon, just for the twisted pleasure of wronging her, would harm MC, leaving disturbing traces behind, as if to mock Zuri, until she finds them, when it's already too late. The idea of ​​not having been efficient and fast enough to find MC and having failed to care for her beloved, letting the demon reduce them to such a poor state, would leave Zuri distraught, who would once again be reminded that she is a failure and unable to defend those dear to her, like some of her fallen angel friends, who looked up to her, even though she was just as broken, trying to hide it. With MC's body in her arms, that would be one of the few times Zuri would lose her composure...how could she have let something like that happen? If only she had been more careful, if only she had been a better companion, perhaps MC would still be there with her, to remind her that the weight of the world does not rest on her shoulders, even if at that moment, it felt like it. After realizing it was a nightmare, Zuri would start working compulsively, trying to distract herself, but the slight tremor in her hands wouldn't help her frustration. Zuri would only wait until the next morning to visit MC, initially not inclined to show her vulnerable side, but in private MC could extort from Zuri a solemn speech. In the following days, MC would notice that Zuri would try to be slightly more loving and spend more time together

ODON

Odon almost never dreams, because after all, as an ancient eldritch being, they don't really need to sleep and if they attempted to, it would be solely due to a personal choice, perhaps to experience what it feels like to rest and completely disconnect their brain for once, even Odon's eye-like creatures would try taking naps, lying on pillows. Odon's most intimate and profound fear would be of becoming "bored" again and risking returning to their old past habits, as if they had missed hearing screams of agony and getting rid of anyone who stands in their way, without a shred of emotion, pity or remorse for anyone, not even for their dear friend MC. In the nightmare, Odon's fear would be to see themselves, after committing a genocide, leaving MC for last, after taking out all their friends, those who had put their trust in Odon and who they had now disappointed. The worst thing would be that in the nightmare, MC would even excuse Odon's actions, saying that everything would be alright, as they took their last breath, and past Odon, the one they don't want to be again, although they don't regret their old choices, wouldn't have felt anything seeing MC dead on the ground. Odon, once awake from the nightmare, would seem quiet calm, albeit with a tense smile, while the eye-like creatures would be the most obviously agitated, with their eyes shining with unshed tears as they floated around in an uncoordinated manner. It's likely that Odon wouldn'f feel like sharing the nightmare and if MC managed to get them to talk about it, Odon wouldn't go into details, the only thing they would need is MC's closeness. Over the next few days, MC would notice the eye-like creatures staring and following them around more often

REMIEL

Remiel doesn't sleep much and as a result her naps are often devoid of meaningful dreams. Although apparently apathetic and gloomy, Remiel has a fairly sensitive soul, so it's natural that although she doesn't show it, even the angel of death has worries, some of which even became true during her long life, for example, failing to redeem and save a corrupted angel. As for the nightmare, Remiel would dream of something that is actually very close to reality and that she wouldn't be able to avoid, no matter how much it weighs on her heart, that is, MC's death, whether natural or premature. The most painful thing would be precisely that, as an angel of death, it would be Remiel's duty to accompany MC into the afterlife, not wanting to behave selfishly and think she can keep their soul to herself, as her father Death once did with the souls of the nephilim for a short time. The thought of having to say goodbye to MC and never see them again would leave a void inside Remiel that she wouldn't be able to put into words and, touching her cheeks, she would realize she was crying, understanding firsthand what souls feel when she's forced to distance them from their loved ones...Remiel would be hesitant to let MC go, but for their sake and eternal rest, she would give them one last embrace, as her halo would glow less brighter and wings droop. Once awake, Remiel would hug her knees to herself and hide between her feathery wings like in a cocoon, needing a moment to clear her mind, if truly bothered, she would ask for advice either from her father Death or from her mother Azrael (Remiel has no need to check if MC is alive, she feels their soul). The next day, since Remiel still remains a sincere, genuine and blunt angel, she would tell MC about her nightmare, gazing at them with her precious baby blue eyes. They would then share a soft embrace, in which Remiel would quietly cry, lulled by MC's heartbeat. Over the next few days, MC would notice Remiel trying to share and learn more earthly experiences with them

NATHANIEL

Nathaniel usually has fairly peaceful dreams, of breathtaking, endless landscapes to explore, but there are rare occasions where his mental peace is disturbed by macabre thoughts. A likely nightmare that Nathaniel would have about MC would also concern the council of the Celestial Realm. In Nathaniel's nightmare, his relationship with MC would be disapproved of by his angel superiors and therefore drastic measures would be taken to prevent Nathaniel from distracting himself from his celestial duty, such as letting MC die, while Nathaniel could do nothing except observe, like a pawn, in the grand scheme of things, unable to react, because the Celestial Realm has decided so, to remind Nathaniel what happens to those who decide to love a human, therefore to avoid him Lilith's fate, they took matters into their own hands. In the nightmare, Nathaniel would feel paralyzed and for once in his life he would even want to shout in order to stop such madness, but it would be as if he were breathless, as if someone else was controlling his body. Upon awakening from the nightmare, the memory of MC's lifeless body would disturb Nathaniel and he would need to meditate for a long time before being able to calm down. It's likely that Nathaniel won't reveal what's bothering him the next day and would simply appear more affectionate towards MC

URIEL

Uriel mainly dreams of memories of the celestial war or more recent battles, so the nightmares alternate with dreams of glorious victory and shower of merits. Uriel's nightmare would probably manifest itself through one of her fears, that is, MC being killed by a demon and her arriving too late to save them or getting carried away with making the demon culprit pay and not immediately helping MC. In any case, having MC's corpse, so fragile and bloodied in her powerful arms, would be devastating for Uriel, who would beg MC to wake up, to be strong and more quietly not to leave her. Uriel would also pray to God and ask in frustrated tears why he has forsaken her and isn't helping her, whether it is some kind of test or whether it is a punishment to remind Uriel how she too has let some of her companions fall into the celestial war. Uriel has always followed the rules and has always been loyal, but in that moment her beliefs would falter, not finding it fair for an innocent soul like MC to end up like this. After waking up with a start from the nightmare, Uriel would head to MC in the middle of the night and, just to check if they are alright, would kick down their door. Tensed, Uriel would try to explain that she had only come to check because she had a bad feeling and that it would be better if she stayed, for MC's safety. Uriel wouldn't go into details, but she would promise MC that no one would hurt them again, not on her watch. Over the next few days, MC would notice Uriel standing close to them like a scary bodyguard

[rival-the-rose]

So, last week, just before my birthday, I developed dysphagia, gastroparesis, and ileus due to a weird viral infection (came with a fever and sinus inflammation but nothing else). In layman's terms, this basically means all of the muscles in my entire GI tract have stopped working - esophagus is not moving food to the stomach, stomach is not opening to allow food nor is it opening to release food, and my intestines are not moving things along, just being inflamed and full of gas.

This is obviously deeply uncomfortable, I have been on a liquid diet and barely reaching BMR, on top of being dehydrated bc plain water causes a lot of pain (adding a neutral-basic substance to high acid environment=bad).

On top of that, I am not a layman, and therefore I know that generally this suite of symptoms are associated with the Big Bad Diagnoses and once they show up they are frequently lifelong and not infrequently fatal. I also know that my history and symptoms don't match any of the Big Bads and it's more likely a weirdly dramatic response to viral inflammation, and I think we confirmed that with my doctor today. She's an osteopath who used to specialize in post-GI surgical care and felt that my intestines responded to manipulation in a way that was more similar to inflamed intestines than intestines that are no longer enervated. I would tend to agree and also she relieved so much pain today, I can take deep breaths again.

However, she hasn't seen or heard of this before. She expects that if there's no active damage being done, the inflammation should be mostly resolved in a week or two, but that's based on physiological knowledge rather than specific disease etiology.

So I'm having a lot of emotions. Anxiety, bc these are serious issues that I don't have a solid timeline on resolving. Anxiety 2, bc any time my body does something weird I become paralyzed with fear that this is going to spiral into profound disability again. Shame about Anxiety 2 bc I feel like I'm being dramatic and also being paralyzed with fear makes me feel bad about myself. Concerned that this is going to trigger an eating disorder relapse. Excited that I get to relapse "legitimately" and the fact that I've been on half rations for awhile is relieving the thoughts around how much weight I've gained since getting back from Vermont. Concerned bc I'm already feeling some of the emotional effects of calorie restriction (weepy+fussy) and physical (so tired.) Shame bc I feel like I should be done being sick and I'm tired of cancelling things I really want to do and also bc I look fine and I do feel ok as long as I haven't eaten recently. So I feel like I'm letting ppl down for no reason/I should be toughing it out more. ???Bad bc this is the eating disorder dream and why can't I be functional while doing it (aka being confronted with the reality that I can't indulge my disorder in a safe way which is so scary). Fussy bc I don't actually feel sick so I still want to do things but then I do and I'm uncomfortable/tired/frustrated immediately. Shame about just lying on the couch so much. Fear bc I want to start T and I'm in the process of applying to vet school and I can't do either of those things if I keep having organ systems shutting down (I really thought my lungs were doing better but they're apparently still not deflating appropriately).

Logically I can see that if someone told me they had these symptoms I would be like "why are you not in a hospital" (as long as I can keep up on calories and liquid reasonably it's not necessary). But I'm the one experiencing it and it's not that bad so why can't I do more stuff. Even though I worked full time this week and went to a doctor appointment today and OT yesterday. But I cancelled hanging out with my bestie on her birthday today so I feel really bad about that.

Idk. I just want to feel better. Except for the part of me that wants to starve to death. I'd say that's the core of the issue lol.

[macgyvermedical]

Hey Mac

So i have a question

I got diagnosed with Insulin resistance and the doctor decided to put me on Metformin-for fear of getting type II DM-It runs in ma family-anyway

My question is what does Metformin do to the sugar um ingesting-i mean um trying to cut back but i have this concern-and what if i took something sweet while on it? Um too conscious about this but i can't cope really well with such a drastic change

In order to understand metformin, you have to understand Type 2 Diabetes and the role the hormone insulin plays in regulating blood sugar.

Every cell in your body uses sugar for energy. Blood delivers that sugar to the cells, which keeps them alive. You have an organ called a pancreas that monitors the amount of sugar in the blood and uses hormones to regulate it. When the amount of blood sugar rises (like, after you eat something), the pancreas releases the hormone insulin, which basically tells the cells “okay, we have plenty of food, you can go ahead and use all that tasty sugar for energy.” As the cells use the sugar, they remove it from the blood, and blood sugar drops. If there is more sugar than needed to keep the cells alive and working, that extra sugar gets stored as fat or as a starch called glycogen in the liver and muscles.

When working correctly, this process maintains blood sugar between about 60 and 100 (though it can be higher if the person has recently eaten).

Insulin resistance is when cells stop responding to insulin normally, and it takes more insulin before the cells get the message to start using or storing sugar. Type 2 Diabetes occurs when this gets severe enough that the pancreas can no longer keep the amount of sugar in the blood in a normal range. When the amount of sugar in the blood is higher than normal, it does damage to blood vessels and organs. You may also feel tired and sick if your cells aren’t getting the energy they need. This is why people with Type 2 Diabetes are asked to eat less sugar/carbohydrates (which helps decrease the amount of sugar circulating in the blood), exercise (muscle cells can use some sugar without needing to be sensitive to insulin), and take medications that increase the amount of insulin the pancreas produces or increases cells’ sensitivity to insulin.

Metformin is a drug that works in a few different ways. First, it helps increase cells’ sensitivity to insulin. This helps the cells have a more normal response to insulin- letting them remove and use more of the sugar from the blood. Second, it prevents the uptake of some sugar from the digestive tract. That means you’re only absorbing some of the sugar you eat, and the rest gets pooped out, thus contributing less sugar to your blood. Third, it decreases the amount of sugar that your liver releases when your pancreas releases glucagon. Which is still less sugar that your body has to figure out what to do with.

When you eat sugar/carbohydrates as someone with diabetes or insulin resistance on metformin, you poop some of the sugar out. The remaining sugar enters your blood stream and triggers insulin release, which your cells can use more easily due to the metformin. When your pancreas then releases glucagon, you liver doesn’t release as much sugar as it otherwise would, and your blood sugar stays in a more normal range.

Unlike other drugs that treat T2D, metformin is unique in that it doesn’t cause life-threatening hypoglycemia when taken without the appropriate amount of food. The most common side effects are gastrointestinal, and usually go away in a few weeks. Some research has also shown that people taking metformin tend to have less cardiovascular disease later in life and many lose a small amount of weight. All of these reasons make it a very safe early intervention for people with diabetes and pre-diabetes.

[gethighithefloor]

Summer is your worst season.

Let’s start with the basics: heat. It’s too damn hot no matter where you go, from the beach to your bed beside the fan, or the river that runs alongside your apartment. The medications that make you sane and functional take away more than your sex drive: they take your body’s own ability to regulate its temperature.

No more days of walking outside in a black hoodie, not a drop of sweat on you. High school seems like a cool, distant memory. Maybe it’s not just the meds, but the climbing temperatures and erratic weather patterns as well. Or both.

But due to this your body always hurts, you’re always sticky with sweat, and phantom pains buzz around your old surgery site. You feel like you can’t walk too much or you’ll pass out from the heat. It saps you of energy and patience, making it second, close first, for losing friends.

What they don’t understand is you teach small children for eight hours a day in unconditional classrooms. Their little bodies radiate heat, especially after recess and their hair is dripping with sweat. This is the season you repeatedly almost pass out, especially when you have your period, and have to stumble to the hallways before collapsing. They don’t understand that after shaping your body into A B C’s and singing and running around, you’re exhausted and at your limit.

Speaking of heat, here’s the next reason: your body. Once thin and light, you’re now at your heaviest, teetering the line between ‘normal weight’ and ‘overweight’ depending on the BMI chart. You’ve exchanged bikinis for one pieces, now big shirts and skirts that are waterproof or that you don’t mind getting salt water on. At least this is the season you eat the least, because food in the heat makes you sick.

Sweat clogs pores and your back is dotted with acne from it. Same under and between your boobs. Bugs are back and bite, leaving you to wonder: fuck are they mites again, or just because I sat in the grass the other day?

You feel like a beached whale dotted with barnacles, bloated and tired and ready to explode. Spill your guts everywhere, in the sand, in the ocean, on onlookers and cars and streets. Dye it all red, like your face after walking home in 90 degree weather.

Last but not least: trauma.

Apparently your body doesn’t give a shit that you spend upwards of $1,000 on therapy a year. The conclusions your brain has reached over 5 years of agonizing conversations and sobbing and screaming and laughing has stopped just there: in your brain. Not even the whole thing, just the reasoning portions.

The body holds trauma like a storage unit that will never get bid upon. February March April May you remain, for the most part, light hearted and reassuring to everyone around you. You might have the same work schedule but your body is cooler and nothing of note has happened in the past that rocks your body with anxiety and deep sorrow.

June comes, and with it a constant nausea, from the heat and your birthday. Despite everyone looking forward to theirs, you almost wish yours would go by like a whisper, barely heard nor recognized. But the child in you screams in delight at birthdays past, with treasure chest cakes and water sprinklers and wrapped presents. The young adult and teenage you curls up in fear and self hate, feeling unworthy of anything, screaming and sobbing when you get $200 from grandma. You thought you’d gotten past it, flaunt fake confidence in front of others and say ‘it’s my birthday and I’m important!’ For a laugh or a smile and eye roll. They think you really feel this way. You don’t. You hate it. You don’t want to get older. You don’t want the attention you don’t deserve.

Being born is not a celebration for you. The gift of life you never asked for and tried so many times to throw away. A wretched, fetid present, a box filled with placenta and umbilical cord crawling with maggots and fat biting flies. The gift of life. What a joke. It’s the responsibility of life. The burden of life. The sometimes-joy of life.

June is when you were kicked out. When your goods were smashed on the blacktop, and your mother screamed to get out of her sight. June is when you packed your life into a backpack and lived out of that for weeks until you found a temporary home in your managers guest room. Than some sofas. Then your first apartment. Your body remembers the fight and flight, even if it’s dull. A blade is still a blade, even if its edge no longer shines and is filled with nicks and cracks. It can still hurt. It still hurts.

It’s an unknowable ache that holds onto you until July, like a tick ripped off but its head remains.

So, summer is your worst season. You were born in it, you were cast away in it. You sweat and bake in it, you bite your skin and slam your head in it. You run along sand and ocean in it. You cover your body in it. You tremble with weakness in it. Fuck summer. Fuck summer. Fuck summer.

You hate summer.

[moldybits]

Call it morbid curiosity, but what kinds of insulin is out of stock?

When I first saw your post I had a moment of genuine fear about getting my moms insulin, but she's not here anymore

So I guess I will clarify that a lot of this medication is for diabetes, not necessarily insulin, but sometimes I just use it almost shorthandedly cuz it is easier to say "non-insulin used for diabetes". But anyway, this is based on my pharmacy (based in western PA) and the FDA's website:

Trulicity (3mg + 4.5mg, 0.75 and 1.5 are fine): while we occasionally get a box or 2 in, it is so hard to come by in the higher doses. Basically gold at this point

Ozempic (1mg + 2mg, 0.25 mg and 0.5mg are fine for now): Easier to get the 1mg and 2mg in than Trulicity, but it doesn't always come in. FDA's website says the lower doses might experience some problems but we haven't seen that happening to us yet. Can't speak for anyone else

Saxenda: Nothing on the FDA's website about this yet, but we have seen an influx of scripts coming in for this medication due to all the other medications above struggling to come in. So we never have enough in stock. I am expecting to see this having problems soon but nothing confirmed.

Rybelsus: Nothing on the FDA's website but our warehouses are saying backorder, though we still got some in sometimes. It seems to be on and off. This one is a bit different because it is a pill and not injectable. More people are taking this for the same reasons as Saxenda.

Wegovy: We had a hard time getting any Wegovy at all for the longest time. I think it is generally fine now, but so many people switched off of it (or their insurance won't cover it) because of the backorders that they switched to other medications instead (see every drug above lol)

Mounjaro: I don't think this one has been, or currently is, on backorder. But I am including this one because it had the potential. I will include why that really didn't happen below though.

Those are the 6 off the top of my head, so I think insulin for Type 1 Diabetes is generally fine... at least in my store. Your mileage may vary depending on where you live.

So reflecting on the medication above, there is a trend. It is all non-insulin used to treat Type 2 Diabetes. What is the problem then? Well... every single medication above is being used off-label for weight loss. This does seem to work (I do have a problem with this concept), however, it is basically the new trend now thanks to social media *cough cough TikTok cough cough*. Watching what you eat? Exercising? Yeah, fuck that. Just take medication to lose weight! You certainly won't just gain it all back afterward if you stop taking it. Whatever. But yeah, because everyone is using it for weight loss, it makes it harder for people with Type 2 Diabetes to get it.

If memory serves me right, Wegovy was the first one being used. Then it was either too expensive or went on backorder, so people went Ozempic. Backorder again. Then Trulicity. Backorders again. Now people are getting desperate and trying Rybelsus, and now we are starting to see problems. Saxenda was not the 1st choice for an injectable because it is daily, whereas ones like Ozempic and Trulicity are once a week. Convenience of course. Mounjaro is a REALLY popular weight loss drug but most insurances will not cover it for weight loss because it is not FDA-approved (doubt they would anyway). Like most name-brand drugs, there was a discount card, and that would bring it down to 25 dollars IF you had T2D. People were using it anyway for weight loss and then pharmacies were being audited, so now you have to have a diagnosis code on your prescription saying you have T2D in order for it to work. That has been fun to explain to people >.>

It is a shit show, basically. At this point, I never know what is going to go on backorder. For all other types of medication, there are different reasons for the shortages but I deal with these medications on like a daily basis. It is frustrating for everyone.

Also, I am very sorry about your Mom OP. I hope you are doing well.

note: I am not a pharmacist, just a tech. This is just what I see in my single pharmacy and on the FDA's website. Please don't take what I am saying as the golden truth. Things are changing daily and it is hard to keep up.

Thanks for reading this far lol

[callmeshakespurr]

Hey, if you're requests are open could you do a Rick Flag × Male Villian Reader (fluff) idk something cute where Rick Flag ends up falling in love with Male Reader, and the feeling is mutual. Idk you can fo what you want with it. ❤

Rick Flag x Male Reader

Requested: yes

Category: fluff, just a little bit of angst

Warnings: slight torture (?), i mention a knife like,, once

Note: I haven’t watched Suicide Squad in some time, so this could’ve turned out just the tiniest bit yandere, I hope you don’t mind! Also- I kinda struggled with this cause its my first time writing an actual one shot, but I hope you enjoyed it anyways (:

Tysm for requesting, hope you enjoy it <3

“Where is he?”, Amanda Waller called out as she walked down the hallway, towards the high security room you were currently kept in — Colonal Richard ‘Rick’ Flag not far behind her.

Her call grabbed the attention of the two guards, who stood in front of your cell.

“Is he in there?”, Amanda asked again, approaching the door with fast steps. One of the guards nodded and opened the thick metal door to let the director and the colonel in.

Amanda Waller had tried to get her hands on you for almost five years now, after you first made an apperiance in a club, killing two people. After that, several assassinations followed. Nobody knew who you exactly were, what you looked like, who you worked for; you were like a shadow — what people then came to call you, Shadow.

The major reason of why nobody could get a hold of you even in the slightest bit, was because you always vanished before anybody could even spot you.

After two years of not being able to catch you, the police gave up on further investigation in your cases. Amanda didn’t break so easily though. She wanted you in one of those cells she kept so many freaks in already, and she wasn’t going to give up until she had you sitting behind one of those metal doors, unable to escape her.

After all these years of going after you, she did manage to find out two major things about you. Why you always managed to escape without anyone catching a glimpse of you, and what your weakness was.

All these things led to the present situation.

You sat in a dark room, the only light source being a small lamp, dangling from the ceiling. Your ankles were tightly cuffed to the chair you were sitting on, on your wrists and neck you felt something cold and heavy, which seemed to send small electric shocks through your body every few seconds.

You weren’t sure where you exactly were, since you passed out before they got you. Hell, you didn’t even know who ‘they’ were.

You closed your eyes, trying to concentrate on your thoughts, which was not as easy as you hoped it would be. To say that you were in pain was an understatement. The electricity flowing through your body kept you from thinking straight, and send a wave of pure pain through your limbs with every shock you got.

A female voice ripped you from your trance, and you slowly opened your eyes again, head still hanging low. You knew that voice and you knew that you didn’t stand a chance anymore.

“Your powers won’t work anymore, unless i allow you to use them, so don’t even try.”, that voice belonged to none other than Amanda Waller, probably the only person on this planet you actually feared. You were never scared of what her minions could do to you, no. You were scared of what she could do to you if she ever managed to get you — which almost happened on several occasions.

You clenched your fists, trying to ignore the pain that came over you again, as you frantically tried to somehow sort your thoughts and find a way out of this, but nothing seemed to work. There was no way out of this. There was no escaping this. The feeling of helplessness washed over you, a feeling you didn’t like at all.

“You’re Y/N L/N, you’re a teleporter, thats how you managed to always vanish before the police got to the crime scene”, Amanda spoke, watching you as you sat there on the chair, staring at the ground, unable to move a single muscle. “It took me some time, but i managed to figure out how to block your powers”, she continued, taking slow steps towards you “Teleporters are extremely sensitive to electricity, some mightve even already died due to the constant pain if they were in your place.” She stopped right in front of you, looking down at your slumped figure, the only thing restraining you from falling over being the thick metallic handcuffs that kept your hands tied behind the chair.

Amanda grabbed your chin, forcing you to look up at her. Your sight was blurry and it cost you a lot of strength to even keep your eyes open, but you did manage to make out the silhouette of a rather tall person standing at the entrance of the cell, watching the whole scene, before your focus was back on the woman in front of you. “You’re actually a very pretty boy, Y/N, and very smart too, it’s a shame that you decided to end up like this.”, she said, before letting your face go. “Rick, take him to get the injection, then get his things and introduce him to the team. After that, you can take him to his provided cell.”

The man standing at the door — Rick, you assumed — made his way towards you, as Waller left the room, leaving you to the colonel.

Rick helped you out of the cuffs, that kept you strapped to the chair. Looking at you, he almost felt bad, you looked so drained and helpless. He had never exactly agreed with anything Amanda Waller did, but seeing what just a few hours under her control did with you was another level of not agreeing with something she did.

“Can you stand?”, the colonel asked and you nodded, slowly rising from the chair. Your legs wobbled beneath your weight and you instinctively grabbed onto whats next to you, which just so happened to be Ricks Arm.

After making sure you had gathered enough strength, he began to walk with you towards the door.

time skip

It’s been a little over a week now since they’ve brought you here — you think. Every day was the same. Sitting on the cold floor of your cell, staring at the camera in the corner of your ceiling, some guard bringing you food, you not eating it, some guard taking it away again and reporting everything to someone, more staring at the camera, someone bringing you food again, you not eating it again, the guard taking it away again and reporting everything, all over again, everyday.

The only slightest bit good and entertaining thing was the colonel — Rick Flag, as you learned was his name — checking up on you every now and then when he didn’t have anything better to do. You didn’t quite understand why Rick was making efforts to look after you, just for you to not answer his questions anyways, but you appreciated it. It made everything a little more bearable.

Of course, you were one of the bad guys, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t have a life outside of assassinations.

When you weren’t working for other bad guys, you loved to just sit in your apartment and read, you loved to go onto high buildings and watch over the city. You dreamed of leaving everything behind and exploring the world someday. You worked at your favourite coffee shop, hell you even had a cat. The thought of your only friend being probably already dead or suffering made you sad, but what could you do about it?

Sometimes, you wish you hadn’t picked the path you were on, but looking back at the time you chose to work for the bad guys, you didn’t really have a choice.

Your train of thoughts was interrupted, when you heard the door to your cell open. Hoping it would be Rick, you looked up, your eyes only half open from the lack of strength you had. What you did not expect was to see Amanda Waller standing in front of you, Rick Flag behind her.

“Stand up”, the woman demanded. You listened, as it was of no use to resist her orders. You slowly got up on your feet, which didn’t last long, since you almost immediately fell over, landing painfully hard on your knees. To your suprise, Rick immediately rushed to your side, helping you stand up again.

“I don’t need him on missions like this”, Waller spoke as she watched you lean onto Rick for support. “Take him to the base, the council and I will be waiting there in the meeting room for him.” With that, Waller left again.

The way to the car wasn’t long, but with you almost not being able to stand on you own, let alone walk on your own, it took a little longer, which only fueled your anxiety. The ride to the base was even worse though, since nobody talked and you had five guards sitting around you.

Finally arriving at the door of the meeting room, which was located in the base, the two guards standing in front of it immediately opened the door as soon as they saw the colonel.

The room was quiet at an instance, when you stepped a food inside, Rick following very close behind you — just in case something should happen.

Amanda Waller stood in front of a group of suit wearing men who all sat at one big round table, most likely discussing something. She gestured you to come next to her, to which you complied.

“And who is this now, Director Waller? A new addition to your group of- freaks?”, asked one of the men as he looked you up and down, probably doubting that someone like you could be much of an good asset.

“This, Gentlemen,”, she grabbed your arm and moved you a little forward, making you almost tumble “is Y/N L/N or ‘Shadow’, he was an assassin for almost five years now, working for several other bad guys. Nobody got a hold of him till now due to his teleporting ability. He has over a hundred confirmed kills and not once did anyone ever get near him. I’m using these electric cuffs”, she grabbed your arm again and lifted it up to present the metal cuff, which was secured around your arm “to block his powers, which means he cannot teleport, as long as the electric shocks are on full power. As soon as I turn down the power a little, he can use his power, it is more draining and limited to a certain radius, but it works. I have him under full control and I want him on the team.” Murmurs broke out between the people in the room, as soon as she finished.

“I’m sorry, director, but do you really think it’s a good idea to put another- another misfit on that team? They’re bad guys and will always stay bad guys, and their freaky abilities make them even more dangerous.”, one of the men in suits spoke.

“As I said, I have him under full control, gentlemen. Let me demonstrate.”, Amanda spoke, turning to you, as the people sitting at the table sat back.

Waller took out some kind of remote and tapped on something. First your body tensed due to all the stress and pain you were under at the moment, but as soon as Amanda tapped on the remote, the electric shocks suddenly weren’t as intense as they were before, and your whole body relaxed, your eyes almost watering due to the wave of relief washing over you.

Rick was more than tense while watched the whole situation, only realizing in how much pain you actually were when Waller turned down the intensity of the electric shocks emmitting from the metallic cuffs you were wearing.

Waller looked you in the eyes with a serious expression on her face. “You disobey, you die, got that?” And suddenly you remembered the injection they gave you, when they first brought you here.

Seeing you had no other choice than obeying her, you simply gave her a small nod and looked around the room, taking in every detail. You looked at the small table in front of you, spotting a sharp knife, which you figured was put there by Amanda specifically for you in this exact situation.

With fast movements, you grabbed the knife and teleported to the other side of the room, holding the knife to one of the mens throat. Everyone in the room stiffened even more, and you heard at least three guns clicking.

Looking up, your eyes met Rick’s, before you looked over to Waller, who was already fixated on you. You slowly pressed the knife more against the man’s throat, wanting to see what Waller was going to do. The next electric shock came and you almost yelled out in pain, letting the knife fall, teleporting back to Waller and falling to your knees, clutching the metal around your neck.

Rick wanted to rush to help you, but was quickly held back by Amanda, gesturing him to wait.

“As you can see, I can control his powers however i want to, and should he disobey in any way, or should his powers bolt”, she tilted your head with her finger, than pressed onto the spot on your neck where they injected you, “he dies.”

Still staring at the ground, you swallowed harshly. You’ve never wanted to go back in time and undo all the bad things that happened so badly like in this specific moment. Maybe if you’re parents hadn’t ever found about your ability, you would still be at home, with your family, not here, being tortured by some government lady who wanted to use you as a weapon.

“There’s one more thing. I don’t need him on any mission in this shape. He needs to recover, quickly, and while doing so, I want him under Rick Flags complete supervision. It might cost a little more effort, but think about of how much use he will be for us”, Amanda said, a mischievous expression crossing her face for a few seconds, that going unnoticed by you and pretty much everyone else in the room.

time skip

Three whole months had passed. You’ve been staying with Rick ever since Amanda Waller announced that he had to fully supervise you.

The time you spent with Rick made you feel as if everything wasn’t so bad after all. Occasional talking here and there, Rick cooking something for the both of you every now and then, you almost felt normal again — weren’t there the electric cuffs reminding you of what was real every few minutes.

Over the past three months, your sleep only got worse. You got used to the constant pain by now, but the electricity didn’t only affect you physically, it also messed up your thoughts like hell. Sometimes you didn’t know where up and down was anymore, everything was all over the place inside your mind.

That was also the reason, you were up right now, in the middle of the night, sitting at the big window in your bedroom, looking over the city. You hugged your knees tightly to your chest, and rested you chin on them, letting a few tears slip. You hadn’t cried in a long time, but you were just so exhausted. You were never this close to giving up than right now. Nothing seemed to ever be okay again, you couldn’t do anything but accept your fate.

Being to entangled in your own thoughts, you didn’t hear your bedroom door open.

It didn’t take Rick a long time to spot you in your place at the window. He just came home from a mission that Amanda Waller had wanted you on, but Rick insisted on giving you a little more time to deal with everything.

The tall man closed the door as quietly as he could behind him, which seemed to not be quiet enough, since you jumped slightly at the noise, quickly standing up and turning around. Rick gave you an apologetic look, before slowly walking towards you, “I’m sorry, I should’ve knocked, I just wanted to check up on you and see if you’re alright-“ “It’s fine, I’m fine”, you interrupted him, wiping your tears quickly, taking a deep breath.

Rick frowned, he had never seen you cry before. He cared too much for you and he knew it, he just couldn’t help himself. Stopping in front of you, he looked down at you, only for his eyes to meet yours. For a moment, you both got lost in each others eyes, before you ripped your gaze away, looking to the side.

“Do you want anything else from me?”, you asked shakily, getting a little nervous with his burning stare on you.

“I actually do, yes-“, he hesitated for a moment. You looked up at him with a questioning expression. “Close your eyes”, you complied, closing your eyes slightly, one hand moving to hold onto Rick’s shirt so you didn’t lose your balance. You felt him lean down slightly, till you could fell his warm breath on your cheek. You surpressed a shiver, as he carefully tilted your head.

Now, you didn’t really know what to expect; you and Rick had gotten closer but you weren’t sure, if there were actual romantic feelings, or if he just pitied you, so a kiss wasn’t exactly what you expected. But you definitely would’ve expected it more than what happened next.

A small ‘click’ echoed through the dark room, the next thing you knew was, that all the pain suddenly disappeared. Your eyes watered when you felt Rick’s fingers carefully removing the heavy metallic cuffs around your wrists and neco, pure relief washing over you. Your leaned your body onto Rick’s, unable to support your own weight for a few moments.

When you had finally gained control over your own body again, you moved back a few centimetres and looked up to Rick, who met your confused eyes. “I couldn’t bear to see you in so much pain any longer, so I triedmy best to convince her and I’d say I’m lucky that she trusts me with you.”, the colonel smiled a little, raising a hand to softly carress your cheek. Your eyes widened. He quickly removed his hand again and apologized, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

Rick took a step back, still being careful so you didn’t lose balance again, “I should go, and you should sleep, you need to be well rested and-“

You were fast to interrupt him by taking a quick step towards him, getting a little on your tiptoes, before pressing a small kiss to Rick’s lips. You carefully looked him in the eyes again, “I don’t know either, but it just felt like the right thing to do.”

It took the man a few seconds to process what just happened, but when he did, he was quick to kiss you again, his soft lips over yours, moving slowly, as you kissed back. He put his hands on your waist, while you locked yours behind his neck. You kissed for a few moments, before the both of you had to breathe again. “Thank you”, you whispered against Rick’s lips, before receiving another small peck. “Sleep with me tonight?”, he asked quietly, getting lost in your eyes again. You gave him a small nod, allowing him to pick you up and carry you to his room, both of you smiling as you fell onto the mattress.

[mypoisonedvine]

the martyrdom of st. valentine (and other romantic stories) || dark!Bucky & dark!(stepbrother?)Steve x reader

summary: you wanted to surprise your boyfriend on valentine's day, but he and your foster brother have a surprise of their own.

word count: 2.7k

warnings: smut (heavy dubcon to the point of pretty much noncon), kinda stepcest (as per summary, steve is the reader's foster brother), bondage, a lil touch of degradation

2/14 to-do list

get waxed

get Steve out of the apartment

pick up chocolate-covered strawberries from bakery on 6th

blindfold and handcuff myself to the bed

be waiting for Bucky naked when he gets here

You sighed as you looked down at the paper, crossing the first and third items off the list. The second was going to be a bit harder, unfortunately; your foster brother had a habit of hanging around and cramping your style as much as he could manage. He felt like a real brother in that way… okay, maybe he felt like a real brother in most ways, a consequence of knowing him for most of your life, but he was definitely not your real brother. You remembered that each time you caught yourself staring too long when he was shirtless, or returning from the gym all veiny and glistening with sweat.

But you also remembered that he was still the closest thing to a real brother you'd ever had, and you scolded yourself internally for ever acting differently.

It didn’t matter now— you had Bucky, and he was the most amazing guy you’d ever met.  No, Steve was definitely not happy that introducing his best friend to his sister led to a relationship forming, but he couldn’t stop either of you in spite of his efforts to keep you apart.

Bucky had once expressed his suspicions that it was at least in part due to jealousy, if subliminal.  But you denied it unilaterally— he’s basically my brother, you told him, though it was more of a reminder to yourself than anything.

Perverted concerns about Steve’s motivations aside, Bucky was a great guy.  A bit of a sweet-talker for sure, and not exactly known for his ability to keep a long-term, serious relationship, but he was adamant that you had changed that and for once you were beginning to believe him.  You’d said from the beginning that you didn’t need this to be the proverbial ‘it’ for either of you but that you didn’t do hook-ups— especially with your brother’s friends, and extra especially with your brother’s closest and longest friend.  It only took a brief speech and two shots to convince you, now six months later and you were still going strong.

Days like this made you so happy you’d given in to his advances.  But they also made you regret giving in to Steve’s idea to be roommates in college.

“Stevie!” you yelped as he walked in, stuffing the to-do list into your backpocket.  “Just the man I wanted to see.”

“I doubt that,” he scoffed.  “It’s Valentine’s Day, I bet you want to see Bucky.  He’s coming over, right?  And you want me to fuck off so my best friend can go to town on my sister?”

You frowned, crossing your arms.  “I wanted to see you because I have a gift for you.”

“... you do?”  His eyebrow raised and you hoped your smirk looked just as smug as it felt.

“So do you want your gift or do you want to be an asshole?”

“Do I have to pick just one?” he joked.

“Just come over here,” you instructed, waving him closer.  He seemed hesitant, but eventually did as you’d asked.  From your other back pocket you pulled out two tickets.

“Rangers, center ice,” you beamed.  “For you and a date.”

“And this isn’t just an excuse to get me out of the house?”

“No, it’s a thank you for being such a great brother.”

“So, if I wanted to take Bucky…” he trailed off, already calling your bluff as you rolled your eyes.

“Okay, that’s just sad.  There’s no reason you can’t find a girl to take— god knows Bucky hasn’t spent a Valentine’s Day alone since the fucking eighth grade.  And you’re just as cute as he is!”

“Well, if you could alert the rest of the female population to that, that would be great,” he scoffed, “but until then I’ll take the tickets,” he decided as he took them from your hand.  “A Rangers game might be the only thing distracting enough to keep me from thinking about what you and Buck are gonna do while I’m gone.”

You were hoping for a little more enthusiasm considering how much the tickets had cost you, but at least he was going to go and give you the apartment to yourself for the evening.  “You’re welcome, by the way.”

After stripping and sprinkling rose petals on the comforter, you'd actually found a YouTube tutorial on how to blindfold and handcuff oneself, and it was a little odd that enough people had this problem to merit its existence but it was still very helpful: turns out the secret is to blindfold yourself first but keep it folded up with one eye able to see until you do the handcuffs, then use your arm to slide the blindfold down into place.

It was tricky, and a little bit extra awkward while naked, but you figured it out and smiled proudly to yourself as you completed your last task on your to-do list.

Now, for likely the most difficult task of all: waiting in darkness and silence for Bucky to arrive.

Apparently it is, in fact, possible to be slightly bored yet titillated.  The thought of what Bucky would do to you when he got here was exciting, but it only made you crave his presence more which enhanced your quiet loneliness.  It wasn't like you could read a book or listen to music to kill the time, so you settled for humming to yourself as you waited.

Don't go changing, to try and please me, something something before, hmmm

I just want someone that I can talk to, I want you just the way you are...

But that grew tiresome quickly and you resorted instead to planning exacty how angry you would be if Bucky was late when you were waiting for him in such a compromising and inconvenient state.  For a moment you imagined he'd really gone to the Rangers game with Steve and became briefly livid over a hypothetical situation.

The crackling roar of Bucky's motorcycle outside was distant but undeniable, making you smile in anticipation.  You worried for a moment that you might have locked the top lock of the front door by instinct, but thankfully Bucky and to make it inside alright since next thing you knew, your bedroom door was opening.

The rattle of the doorknob made your breath catch; you opened your legs slowly in time with the quiet creak of the hinges.  “I’ve been waiting for you…” you purred.

“Hi there, babydoll,” Bucky’s voice answered back huskily.

The heavy steps of his boots made it clear he hadn't taken his shoes off at the door, a habit that had driven you crazy since he was your annoying brother's also-annoying best friend.  Was this the real reason he'd chained you up, so he could freely irritate you?  What next, was he gonna put a cold drink on your nightstand without a coaster?

"You really went all out for me, sweetheart," he noticed, his voice closer than you'd expected; it was fun to not know exactly where he would be, it made you squirm under the gaze you couldn't see but could somehow feel.

How weight joining yours on the bed was a good sign to his location though, along with his hands sliding up your legs.

“Look at this pretty pussy,” he cooed pridefully as he dove in suddenly and licked a thick stripe through your folds.

“Fuck,” you shivered, tugging on your handcuffs unintentionally.

“Feel good, babygirl?” he pressed, chuckling when you nodded.  “You want more?”

“Please,” you whimpered.

He didn’t get back to it right away, the weight on the bed shifting slightly, and it made you fear that he planned to make you beg more before eating you out— but finally his lips returned to you as his tongue explored your sex.

“Oh god,” you moaned, your back arching of its own volition.  It was a little different than he normally did this— less confident and measured, more cautious yet hungry.  Typically he teased you a lot more, knowing exactly the spots that drove you wild and intentionally leaving them understimulated until you begged him to let you come, but now as soon as he found them he was targeting them— perhaps a rare show of mercy from the guy who was normally happy to leave you on edge for hours.

You could feel his moans vibrating into you when he slid his tongue inside and against your channel; it instantly made your back arch as the handcuffs quietly clinked above your head.

He stopped just a little too soon, pulling your hips up until the back of your legs were resting on the front of his.  Being manhandled by him turned you on enough to make you bite your lip.

"Fuck, put your cock in me, wanna feel you," you moaned your plea as you heard the rustling of clothes; your mouth watered when you imagined Bucky stripping, with that insane body of his.

His thick head glided over your entrance and you were preparing to beg some more when he suddenly pushed in, giving you what you wanted so much faster than normal.  Not that you were complaining!

He was also much quieter than normal, which you were actually willing to complain about but didn't.

"Oh god," you groaned at the feeling of him stretching you open, gasping when his cock brushed right over your spot— it made your body jolt each time he pulled back and hit it again.

"Feels good, huh?" Bucky asked and you nodded happily.

"So good," you whimpered.

"I wasn't asking you."

Before you could question it, Bucky’s calloused fingers pulled up your blindfold— but it was Steve’s face above you, Steve’s body on top of yours… and, much to your horror, Steve’s cock inside you.

“What the fuck?!” you yelped, trying to squirm away as you tugged at the cuffs but failing completely.

“Fuck,” Steve winced, “you get really tight when you struggle like that.”

“Don’t act so surprised, babygirl,” Bucky cooed playfully as you turned to stare at his devilish grin.  “You wanted this… you just didn’t want to admit it to yourself.  And Stevie here always wanted this, too, and aren’t you so glad he told me?”

You shuddered as Steve continued thrusting, pushing his cock so deep it made you feel a little nauseous.  "Steve, you've gotta stop," you begged.   "If you love me, you'll stop."

"That's the thing: I love you too much to stop."

He moved faster, paying no mind to your confused whimpers, holding your hips tight as his head fell back slightly which brandished his thick neck and bobbing Adam's apple.

"There's no point in pretending," Bucky reminded you coldly, watching the whole thing with crossed arms and an expression that almost looked… bemused?  "You already showed us how much you love it, so don't waste your time acting so disgusted now."

You regretted more than anything saying that it felt good, literally asking him to fuck you before you really understood what you were asking for: you thought it was Bucky, yes, but that didn't mean it was an act.  It did feel good, and that must've been obvious to everyone since you were so wet already.  You could hear it each time he pushed all the way in, that telltale squelching noise that was somehow disgusting and hot all at once.

Steve wasn't so quiet now that he didn't have to be.  "God, you feel so good," he whispered, grabbing the backs of your knees and pushing your legs up.  It forced his cock even deeper and you choked on your own suppressed moan.

You heard Bucky opening his belt, and turned your head to see him pull out and stroke his cock while he watched Steve fuck you.  It was hard to imagine what he was getting out of this; he never seemed like the sharing type, if anything he sometimes became too possessive.  But clearly there was a lot about him and Steve that you didn't understand.

"Play with her tits," Bucky instructed, voice a bit deeper as he pleasured himself, "makes her come so fast."

Steve dropped your legs to rest on his shoulders so his hands were free to grope your chest, thick fingers twisting and tugging your nipples.  Annoyingly, Bucky knew his way around your body well by now, and so it was difficult to pretend that Steve's touches weren't sending shocks of pleasure right down your spine and to your core.

You had been biting on your lip so hard to stay quiet that you feared you would break the skin, until Bucky leaned down and gave you a little slap on the cheek— not very hard, but enough to make you gasp which in turn released the moan you'd been holding back.

"There it is, honey, don't be quiet for my benefit," Bucky encouraged.  "It's okay to like it, I'm not gonna be jealous."

As if that was your concern; angering your boyfriend by enjoying being fucked by your foster brother.  

"You really overestimate my interest in your— fuck— in your feelings," you panted as you glared up at Bucky where he was grinning down at you with a look that almost indicated pride.

"You're gonna come, aren't you?" he asked, ignoring your resistance entirely.  Whatever chance you had at pretending he was wrong was lost when, just for a moment, your eyes widened at his question.  "Yeah, thought so.  I can tell by that dumb look on your face.  I'm close too, babydoll, betcha wanna taste it…"

His free hand roughly held your jaw open as he stroked himself desperately, his weak groan coinciding with the moment you felt his hot seed spray into your open mouth, his taste familiar despite the entirely surreal circumstances.

It was purely coincidence that you came in that moment, your walls bearing down on Steve while you tried to stay silent so you wouldn't choke on Bucky's spend.

"Fuck, that's it, gonna fill this pretty mouth— god yes, you'd better swallow it all," he sighed as come painted your tongue and the inside of your cheek.  Maybe it was more than normal or maybe it was just that he was tightening his hand around the head of his cock to get every drop in your mouth, but either way it was enough to give you quite a mouthful to swallow, which you did without much question due to force of habit.

"M’close too," Steve warned as Bucky stepped back, "I'm gonna come."

“No, Steve, not inside,” you whimpered, hearing the way your voice had weakened after your orgasm, “you can’t…”

“I can,” he disagreed, “Bucky said so.”

Once again, Bucky's will was more important than your own, and your desperate pulling at the handcuffs was only another reminder of the way you'd guided yourself into his trap.

"Don't," you stammered one more time, but it was hard to focus when he was filling you exactly how you needed, when his thick hands gripping your waist felt just as perfect as you'd secretly imagined so many times… 

Denial is a powerful drug, but so is two orgasms in a row.

"Fuck!" you yelped as you felt a gush of warmth drip from your entrance, even further wetness spurring on Steve's fast and brutal thrusts into you.

"Knew you'd love it," Steve mumbled, growling slightly as he slammed into you.  "Knew you'd take it so well, make a pretty mess all over my cock— fuck I can't wait anymore, gotta fill you up, oh my god... gotta give you my load, honey, you want it?"

"Yes," you sobbed, "Steve, yes, come in me…"

He didn't need much more encouragement than that, groaning loudly as you felt his cock flex and pulse against your walls, his release overwhelmingly hot inside you.

You sighed in time with Steve as he finally stilled, and it was hard to know where to look when Steve and Bucky were both staring down at you.  “What happens now?” you found yourself asking, not so much a literal question about the next task but more about what the three of you were going to do with all the unfortunate truths that had come to light in less than half an hour.

“What happens now is I take my turn,” Bucky informed you sternly, pushing Steve aside.  “Did you really think I wasn’t gonna fuck my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?”

[loomis-maxima]

Maniac.

18+ word count : 2k+ 𝔯𝔢𝔮𝔲𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔰𝔲𝔯𝔲𝔤𝔲 𝔫𝔦𝔯𝔞𝔤𝔦 𝔵 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔯 𝔰𝔪𝔲𝔱 𝔱𝔴// : 𝔭𝔴𝔭, 𝔡𝔢𝔤𝔯𝔞𝔡𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫, 𝔰𝔪𝔲𝔱, 𝔠𝔥𝔬𝔨𝔦𝔫𝔤, 𝔨𝔫𝔦𝔣𝔢 𝔭𝔩𝔞𝔶, 𝔡𝔯𝔲𝔤/𝔞𝔩𝔠𝔬𝔥𝔬𝔩 𝔲𝔰𝔢, 𝔱𝔥𝔯𝔬𝔞𝔱 𝔣𝔲𝔠𝔨𝔦𝔫𝔤, 𝔢𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔬𝔲𝔱 Girls… they were always easy for Niragi, like scared little sheep in the eyes of the big, bad wolf. Easily controlled, the fear making them cave into every twisted want and desire he had.. All except for one. One who wouldn’t bend her will so easily for him, little did he know.. She was just as twisted as him.

Manipulative, cruel, soulless, sadistic and completely remorseless.. They’re just a few words that spring to your mind when you think of Niragi. No doubt he was one of the most, if not the most, criminally insane, sadistic man you have ever crossed paths with, but along with that, the most provocative and sexual men. All the girls at The Beach, feared him, for good reasons, he wouldn’t hesitate to murder, torture, or do other unspeakable things to those who even dared to look at him wrong. You haven’t been at The Beach long, but you quickly learned his reputation. Ever since arriving, you felt his eyes linger longer than they should have, the passing glances and the smirks he would have plastered on his face as he makes one of his usual sexual passing comments at you. You made sure to not let it visibly show how it affected you, you wanted it to be known that he wouldn’t bend you to his will as easily as other girls. If Niragi was gonna play his game, you’d play too, but better. All until one night when you finally gave in. It was a usual night after The Game, the smell of pot in the fresh, crisp Tokyo air, loud music blaring so loud it almost drowned out the loud talking and shouting coming from all those living in the large building. You watched as people drunkenly jumped into the pool and people drank and smoked to their heart's content. You perched on the side of the pool, legs dangling into the cold water, placing the joint into your mouth and inhaling the smoke that slowly passed between your lips, the slight burn of the marijuana feeling like heaven in your lungs, what you didn’t notice was your gaze drifting from the party go-ers to him.. Niragi. You couldn’t help but let your mind slowly drift to things you’ve heard of him do, and things you’ve seen with your own eyes.. At least until you realised that he was staring right back at you as he licked his bottom lip with his usual seductive smirk on his lips, his white and black shirt unbuttoned more than usual but the rifle he always sported was still being slung over his shoulder by one hand, his jet black hair half tied back, the rest effortlessly falling down the nape of his neck. You looked down to divert your eyes, in hopes he didn’t notice you staring as you picked up your beer bottle and quickly finishing the rest of the contents in it, that's when you looked up to see he wasn’t standing where you had just stared him down. The feeling of relief washed over you as you brought the joint back to your lips, at least until you felt a breath on your neck, making your own breath catch in your throat. ‘’You know, you shouldn’t be staring at me. People might get the wrong idea’’ Niragi spoke into your ear, his breathy voice setting a spark off in your gut. Determined to not show how he was affecting you once again, you spoke back ‘’And since when did you care about people getting the wrong idea, Suguru?’’, your voice a stark steady contrast to what you were feeling. ‘’What makes you think you think you can talk to me like that princess?’’ Niragi chuckled, making a heat rise from your cheeks to the tip of your ear. ‘’I never gave you permission to use my last name, did I?’’ he said, almost growling into your ear, just as you were about to speak up again you felt the distinction between the warmth of his tongue along with the cool metal being slowly dragged from the crook of your neck and then along your ear with his breath fanning across the damp area. You could see the image of what he was doing in your mind, the idea of his eyes rolling back into his head as he committed the sinful action was enough for you to let out a low whimper, letting your head fall back, completely losing all composure you once had. He finally won. And that’s how you ended up here, in his room. The one place you would never, admit to him, that you have been hoping that you would end up in. As Niriagi had you lifted, legs wrapped around his waist as he walked to drop you on his bed while kissing you roughly. Your back hit the bed as he dropped you, quickly took off your bikini bottoms and spun your body as if it weighed nothing, making sure to leave space so your head could hang off the edge of the bed. Your heart rate rose upon getting a sense of exactly what he was thinking. As if he could read your mind, he stripped of his clothing and positioned himself, tapping your cheek with his length. The walls you had built up for so long to make sure he couldn’t wrap you around his finger all came crashing down around you as you felt two of his long fingers slowly graze over your clit before roughly shoving them into your dripping heat. Breathing became a little easier once you finally got control of yourself, that is until you felt the bed shift as you felt his weight behind you, spreading your legs to accommodate his frame between them. What you felt next wasn’t what you expected. The feeling of something cold, but sharp being dragged lightly along your spine, sent chills throughout your whole body. Instead of the fear Niragi was expecting from you, the sinful moan escaping your lips at the realisation of him dragging a knife along your warm skin sent him through a loop. ‘’Niragi please..’’ you whined as you attempted to rub your pussy back against him. Niragi let out an amused laugh, ‘’I had a feeling you were different, babygirl’’ he muttered as you felt him remove the knife and pull your waist so your ass was in line with his long, thick cock. The action made you moan loudly as he fucked you with his fingers, with your mouth a gape he took the opportunity to shove his hard member into your mouth. The groan that Niragi let out was almost animalistic, leaving no time for your brain to catch onto what was happening, he continued to fuck you with his long, ring adorned fingers while ramming into your throat, the feeling of the almost asphixiation making you groan around his dick as he fucked your throat harshly, causing vibrations to be sent through his body as he threw his head back in pure ecstasy. ‘’See princess? I knew your pretty little mouth was good for something’’ Niragi panted. Removing his fingers from your slick, you whined as best as you could with your throat full of him at the feeling of being empty, your walls tightening around nothing, until you felt the feeling from before, the cold and warm contrast of his tongue along with his piercing, the only difference this time instead of it being along your ear, it was along your throbbing clit. The new angle Niragi had put himself, now stopped him from using your mouth to just having his dick rammed down your throat and settling there. Your breathing hitched, the feeling of his mouth eating you out mixed with your throat stuffed causing all ability to breathe out the window as you started to choke. Niragi didn’t let up, he continued to continue his attack on your pussy for a little while longer before pulling himself away, and pulling out of your mouth. You spluttered for air as he drew his cock out, still connected to you by a long string of saliva still connected to his length You both knew he had you right where he wanted, submissive and willing to do as he pleased. Niragi smirked looking down on your already limp body before dragging you to the position he wanted. He flipped you onto your stomach, your face in the pillows. Niragi wasted no time in quickly rubbing his length against your wet folds, knowing well what a mess you must have made on his bed. You felt the tip of him being shoved inside you before he quickly and roughly shoved the rest of his dick into you, causing you to let out what almost was a scream due to his size. Without letting you get accommodated to his size, he roughly started fucking into you. You were completely at his will, the unholy sounds both of you made along with the sound of your skin slapping hard. Without slowing down, he tangled one of his large hands in your hair, forcing your head back as he pulled your back flush against his chest. Niragi didn’t let up on the rough grip he had on you as he fucked up into you, the new angle hitting the right spot inside of you which led to you whining loudly and clenching around him. The familiar feeling of the blade returned to your collarbone as he spoke into your ear. ‘’Come on baby, I can feel you clench around me, cum all over my cock babygirl’’ he said, slowly dragging the cool blade along your chest and down the valley of your breast, not making an incision but making sure you can feel that he could, if he so well wanted to. The mix between his rough voice and the pleasure he was giving you, you felt the band snap in your stomach, causing you to shake violently and clenching even more around his cock as he sent you into your first orgasm, the growl he let out made the wave wash over you even more as you leaked cum down his cock and onto the bedding below you. Before you could even arrange your thoughts, he had flipped you onto your back, thrown the  knife away and quickly reinserted his big cock back into your still tight pussy. Niragi went back to abusing your pussy, having no mercy as he fucked roughly into you, wrapping one of his hands around your throat. ‘’Come on, one more. Just one more’’ he spoke, his voice giving away how close to cumming he was. Niragi threw his head back before bringing his other hand harshly on the side of your cheek a couple of times. ‘’Niragi please, please cum inside me’’ you panted, voice strained due to him cutting off some of your oxygen supply. He smirked back at you, ‘’My nasty girl wants me to fill her up? You wanna feel my hot cum in your delicious little pussy?’’ Niragi shoved two fingers into your mouth, the other still wrapped around your throat as you felt his thick cock twitch inside of you. The combined feeling finally triggered another orgasm inside of you, causing you to see stars as your body shook underneath him, triggering his own orgasm. Niragi’s thrusts became harder, but slower, moaning loudly and his hot cum shot into your pussy, the sinful sounds of both of your whines and groans sounding like music to his ear. Once he fucked the orgasm out of both you he stilled, pulling out of you but then quickly shoving his fingers quickly into your pussy, pushing all his cum back into you before roughly railing his fingers inside of you again while bringing his jewelry adorned tongue down to your clit and roughly sucking on it. Looking down at him and squirming from the overstimulation he was giving you. It wasn’t long before another shockwave sent through your body, causing you to squirt all over his fingers and mouth. Niragi sat up, leaning over you and dragging his tongue across his lip looking at you in your eyes. ‘’This is my pussy now, do you hear me? You’re my little toy’’ ─── taglist :  @anongirl007 @mi-han @shinjiyoongi @cuddlymalfoy

[delimeful]

Helpless (3)

warnings: misunderstandings, spiders/arachnophobia, mild violence

-

Halfway through the woods, Patton heard the distinct sound of someone mumbling.

He paused mid-step, tilting his head to listen with a fair bit of curiosity. The mumbling was quiet enough that he couldn’t make out any individual words, but he could more or less tell which direction it was coming from.

Whatever the source was, they sounded a little frustrated.

He hesitated. Virgil was always emphasizing how careful Patton needed to be in the woods, though how much of that was due to actual danger and how much was the drider being a worrywart over Patton’s ‘chronic inability to defend himself’, he wasn’t sure.

Either way, this didn’t sound like a dangerous wild animal, so it would probably be okay to take a little detour and see what the matter was!

He followed the noise off the trail into a thick copse of trees, eventually coming upon intricate silvery threadwork that wound between them. He was proud to say he only barely shuddered as he ducked past them, his fear of spiders mostly overcome by his affection for his friend.

The webbing got thicker the further he went, and eventually he came upon the source of the mumbling, which appeared to be a whole person, stuck against the outer edge of one of Virgil’s larger webs.

They looked up upon spotting him, eyes bright for a moment before taking him in and visibly dulling with disappointment, which, aside from sorta hurting Patton’s feelings, seemed an odd response for someone in need of help.

“Hello there,” he greeted, waving. “My name’s Patton, I live over at the nearby town. You seem to be in a bit of a prestickament!”

“No, I did this myself,” the stranger corrected, already looking past Patton with disinterest. “It is an attempt to meet with someone I would like to speak with, and they seem the skittish sort, so I would appreciate it if you moved on.”

Patton hummed, more than a little confused. Something about this seemed familiar. “What are you going to do if this person doesn’t show up, though?”

“My arms are free,” they responded, frowning at Patton’s persistence as they wiggled the fingers of their free hand demonstrably. The other hand was occupied with a worn-looking journal. “I will be able to eat and drink, and thus am in no danger.”

“My friend says these woods can get mighty cold at night,” Patton countered, undeterred. “Can’t you meet your friend in town, instead? Why does it have to be a drider’s web?”

And, oh, that was it! Virgil had just been telling him the other day about someone who’d gotten stuck in one of his webs just like this, a mage who had been all-too-delighted to see him. Patton had hardly registered how they’d met, since he’d mostly been very upset to learn that some people would try to use his friend’s body parts as potions ingredients.

“That’s because the drider is the one I’m hoping to speak with,” the stranger replied, as though it should be obvious. “I sincerely doubt they would appreciate an invitation to town.”

Patton stared at the little notebook for a moment, and abruptly put the pieces together. This must have been the stranger that freaked Virgil out so badly!

And he was lying in wait in one of Virgil’s webs… In that case, there was no way he could leave things like this.

“I don’t think the drider is around,” he offered cheerily. “Sometimes they migrate to different areas for different seasons! You won’t meet anyone while hanging around, so I’ll help you down!”

He circled around the tree where most of the webs were rooted, approaching the stranger’s edge of webbing, and found to his surprise that they really were stuck. How they planned to ambush Virgil while stuck in a web, he wasn’t sure, especially since the gambit hadn’t worked on the first attempt either. Magic, maybe?

“How do you know that?” the stranger asked, craning to look at him with sudden interest. “About drider migration cycles.”

Patton shrugged as he plucked at the threads of the web, testing each one to see where they led. “I’m a good listener, so I pick things up here and there. What do you do?”

It seemed to be the right question to ask, since the stranger perked up, distracted from his inquiry.

“I am a researcher,” they informed Patton. “I’m seeking out information on the more reclusive creatures that live in these lands, like driders! This is the first one that I’ve met in person, so if they’re leaving, I need to catch up right away.”

Patton slid the sheath off of the little paring knife he’d taken to carrying and started sawing at one of the threads. “Are you going to try to capture him?” he asked, keeping his voice as even as he could. “You know, for your research.”

“I’m not a bounty hunter,” they replied indignantly. “The behavior of any being would be unnatural and stilted while imprisoned, especially a sapient one. My research is meant to increase humanity's understanding of driders, not to put them on display for entertainment.”

Patton blinked at them, slicing through another strand. “You… aren’t looking to hurt them?”

“No!” They honestly sounded offended by the idea. “I don’t think I ever could, anyhow, the one I met was very large, and they would likely be able to incapacitate me without any trouble.”

“Weren’t you scared?” Patton asked, remembering the terror that had swept through him during that first encounter, when he’d thought the drider was a giant creepy crawly death dealer. Even after he realized, when Virgil yoinked him with his two front legs, Patton had been a little nervous.

“People are only scared of what they don’t understand,” they informed him, chin lifted stubbornly, “and I know more about driders than any other human. I don’t see any reason to be afraid.”

“Wow… You’re really passionate about this, huh?” Patton grinned as he sliced through the last of the support webbing, and with a few snaps, the researcher fell to the ground, only a few strands of silk clinging to them.

“Of course!” they replied, pausing to pull some of the softer webbing bits off of himself and folding them into a pocket of his bag. “The information compiled on them is often vague or outright misleading, and due to their reclusiveness and occasional aggression, nobody else has been able to correct these false accounts.”

They paused, studying the woods around them. “I am… uncertain on how I’m going to discern which area the drider has chosen to migrate to. I don’t suppose you have any idea?”

Patton patted their shoulder. “Don’t worry about that. I think there’s a friend of mine you should meet properly.”

—

“Virgil!” Patton called brightly. “I’m here!”

He had been leading the way through increasingly dense and shadowy foliage for a fair while, now. Logan glanced up from their connected hands to see exactly where he was being pulled to, his heartbeat picking up in speed despite the possibility that this was a cruel prank or even a mugging.

Sure, Patton had described the drider that he’d met a couple of days ago quite accurately, but that was no assurance that he was actually familiar with the being. Most of the townsfolk seemed peripherally aware of ‘Virgil’’s presence, after all, so Patton could have glimpsed him before. It seemed more likely than them being friends. Driders were notoriously solitary, and ‘Virgil’ had seemed quite averse during Logan’s encounter with him, after all.

There was a crack from above, like a branch snapping.

In the next moment, a heavy weight had dropped down from above, knocking Logan to the ground and forcing all the air from his lungs. As he gasped futilely, he realized there were two hands pinning his arms to the ground, and some very familiar fangs put on full display, mere inches from his face.

“Leave him alone,” a very angry drider demanded, his regular voice layered with harsh, gravely rattling.

Logan wheezed in response, absently noting that there were multiple small black eyes visible against the dark marks under the more human set of eyes and wondering just how the two different ocular sensory organs overlapped.

“Virgil, stop!” Patton’s hands appeared at the edge of Logan’s vision, pushing back against Virgil’s shoulders until he eased up, lifting his crouched spider half up only slightly, as though prepared to lunge at Logan again at any moment. “He’s fine! He won’t hurt you!”

Virgil’s glare finally flicked away, though it turned more bewildered-angry than murderous-angry once landing on Patton. Logan wasn’t sure, but he thought the smaller eyes remained locked on him. “This is the mage I told you about! It’s not safe, you need to get out of here--,”

“Mage?” Logan asked, his voice still coming out a little winded. “What are you talking about?”

“He’s not,” Patton said at nearly the same time, “I promise, he just wants to know more about you! Right, Logan?”

“I’m certainly not a mage,” he agreed, rubbing at his arm. The full force of a drider grabbing him… that was going to bruise. He wondered if there was a way to measure that power. “I’m not sure how you got that impression, I don’t have any of the tools mages often carry.”

Virgil looked back and forth between the two humans with clear consternation, and Patton was the one who answered. “Well, most people are afraid at just the sight of him. And… you weren’t.”

“Of course not,” Logan said, still trying to grasp the connection between his lack of fear and his alleged magehood. “I was enthralled. He’s very beautiful.”

Above him, Virgil made a choked-off noise and shuffled back, giving Logan space to sit up and regain full faculty of his senses. Virgil had turned his face away, and Patton was muffling a smile behind his hand.

“Was that… invasive?” Logan asked hesitantly, glancing between the two of them. “I apologize, this is my first research voyage, so I may have become... over-enthusiastic.”

Virgil flapped a hand at him, as though trying to physically dispel his words. “What exactly does a ‘research voyage’ entail?”

Logan straightened up, trying to look as professional as possible while still sitting on the forest floor. He suspected there might be detritus in his hair. “It’s a journey undertaken by apprentice-level researchers to expand their knowledge in their specific field. Often, once they have thorough evidence and a compelling thesis, they will return to their teacher and present this in order to advance as a journeyman.”

Of course, Logan had no intention of doing that. He was going to spend as long as he could traveling and learning and compiling his knowledge, until nobody could argue that he wasn’t suited to the world of scholars.

“And your field is… spiders? Monsters?” Virgil asked, eyebrows raised dubiously.

“I am attempting to correct the misconceptions that are so rampant in bestiaries,” Logan corrected. “So many depend on them, but I’ve found very few actually capture the intricacies of the cultures and habits of nonhuman magical beings. They read more like old wives’ tales, passed down and warped with time, and both the scientific community and the beings in question suffer for it.”

“Huh.” Virgil tilted his head slightly, and Logan realized that at some point his smaller eyes had closed, the dark creases vanishing amidst the pockets of shade under his eyes.

“That sounds like the bestiary way to help people!” Patton added, and Logan watched in disbelief as Virgil’s expression relaxed further, the drider snorting softly.

“So all I’d have to do is… be a drider in front of you?” he asked, one of his back legs tapping against the ground in a remarkable imitation of the way a nervous human might tap their foot. Logan nodded. “I guess… it could work. And it’d be nice to have someone else around who won’t scream at the sight of me.”

“New friend!” Patton cheered, looking perhaps more delighted at the idea than Logan’s presence really warranted. “Only the spidaring are cool enough to be friends with Virgil.”

“Is the wordplay going to be a regular thing with him?” Logan asked, his face pinching sourly.

“Better get used to it. He’s punstoppable,” Virgil replied, grinning toothily when Logan shot him a betrayed look. Logan thought he seemed pleased, going by the subtle twitching of his pointy ears.

Logan hid a small smile of his own. Perhaps following Patton wasn't the unwisest decision he'd ever made, after all.

[merakiui]

I was wondering I read the Xiao x a sucidal reader and I was wondering if you could do a imagine for that if this is too much please don’t and stay safe drink water and eat and please enjoy your day ^^

Lantern Rite Wishes

xiao x (gender neutral) reader cw: suicide, depression, angst note - somehow the imagine became longer than intended (・・；)

He was just going to get some fresh air and then he’d come right back inside. There was absolutely no way he was looking for you because it was a beautiful night and the lanterns lit up the sky like pieces of sweet, wondrous dreams—

Xiao shakes his head to dispel such thoughts as he steps out into the open, surveying just how empty Wangshu Inn has become. Everyone who isn’t obligated to work is down at the festival, spending time with friends or taking in the sights as a couple. He was going to watch from the balcony, where he’d be alone and unbothered by the usual hustle and bustle of Wangshu. All those plans seemingly evaporate the moment he notices your figure balancing on the ledge, one foot extended outwards.

He’s not sure what overcomes him when he rushes forward, seizing your arm and roughly pulling you backwards. A yelp escapes your dry throat. Just moments prior you were teetering on the edge, teary-eyed and wondering if anyone would miss you. Now you’re falling into someone’s chest as they wrap their arms around your trembling frame in a bone-crushing hug. Your stomach drops when you finally hit the floor, the wooden boards creaking under the combined weight of two people.

For a moment, you struggle to escape Xiao’s hold, but he remains unyielding. It’s during your hiccuping sobs that you finally hear him.

“Why?”

It’s the only word Xiao can utter. Over and over in a confused, pained loop. The thought of watching you fall to your death hurts him, and even though he can’t fully grasp the reasoning behind that feeling he knows it must be a result of your suicide attempt.

“I...don’t know.” Words weigh heavy in your mouth, and your tongue trips over itself in an attempt to explain yourself. But you truly can’t. Why did you do that just now? Were you actually going to jump? “I’m just tired.”

Tired. A word that holds so much meaning. Tired of work. Tired of mundane schedules. Tired of the disconnection between positivity and depression. Tired of life. It’s all so exhausting and the only solution would be to die. That must be it, right?

“You don’t know?” Xiao’s still holding onto you when he mutters that question, his expression clouded in grief and anger. “Why not? You’re a mortal! You should value your life a little because you won’t get another.”

The harshness to his tone startles you and it prompts more tears. Under the lights of thousands of lanterns, the scene should bring happiness and peace. But you’re just sad and tired and absolutely fed up with life.

“I’m sorry, Xiao. I didn’t—“

“Don’t apologize.” His grip loosens slightly and it’s as if his own composure follows. “Just...don’t do it again. If you’re not going to value your life, I’ll value it instead. So don’t do stupid things you’ll regret.”

It wounds your resolve to hear him refer to impulsive desires as stupid and foolish, but it also warms your heart to hear him say he’ll value your life. And you can’t bring yourself to argue. Had you jumped and avoided his outstretched arm, you wouldn’t have had any time to regret the action. Would Xiao have saved you even as you were falling? You’d like to think he would, but even miraculous fantasies remain within one’s mind. And in this reality a dozen alternate scenarios could’ve happened. For instance, Xiao could’ve avoided the balcony and you would be dead.

Your fingers dig into his backside as you finally return his hug. “I’m just tired. I didn’t know what else to do...” A heavy sigh escapes you in that tense moment. “I wish I didn’t feel so lost.”

Xiao realizes he’s been holding you for quite some time and he pulls away in a barely composed fluster, his cheeks reddening ever so slightly. In an effort to change the direction of the conversation, he latches onto the thought of wishes. “Well... I was going to watch the lanterns from here, but then I saw you. I guess we could go see the festival together—if it’ll cheer you up, that is.”

You look at him in mild shock, not having expected him to take the initiative to invite you. “Oh...”

“But you’re probably still scared after what just happened. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Mortals and fear...”

Your breathy laugh startles him. He’s always referring to you as a mortal, as if that’s all you are in his eyes. Although you’re still shaken after your attempt, you feel a little safer knowing he’s with you. And while you may just be another mortal, the fact that he saved you must count for something. Xiao can go on and on about how useless mortals are, but to step in when one was about to commit suicide—perhaps he does have a heart.

“I should thank you for doing that. For stopping me before I could actually do it, I mean.” Your heart hammers in your chest as you prepare to spill your emotional guts in front of the adeptus. “Truthfully, I haven’t been well in a long while. And I don’t think I’ll get better anytime soon, but...I want to forget about tonight. So maybe seeing the festival with you will chase a few bad thoughts away...”

Xiao’s staring. He realizes he should blink and actually say something, but the words won’t form. You’ve always been an honest person, but he’s taken by surprise at how quickly you agree to see the festival. It’s an ideal distraction, isn’t it? All sorts of negativity muddles his brain and he wonders why you’d want to see the festival with him. He’s not exactly a cheery person and you’re not mentally well either. For some reason, he feels compelled to weasel out of this situation—to deflect and avoid it before he freely allows himself to experience this pathetic thing humans call ‘fun.’

“Actually, I think making a lantern would be nice. I could write so many wishes on it. It might even make me feel better, too!” You’d like to think that a simple lantern wish will solve all of the murky depression in your life, but it’s just wishful thinking. “And you can make one with me! We’ll write our own wishes.”

“I guess...”

“Come on. It’ll be fun.” You stand on unsteady legs—legs that would’ve broke once they made contact with the ground—and offer your hand. “You can’t get out of this one, Xiao. I’m going to drag you there whether you like it or not.”

He deadpans as he begins to regret his own decisions. But his hand still finds yours and he allows you to pull him up from the floor. Your smile might not shine as brightly as it did before, but it’s still a step in the right direction. And you’re a resilient person; you’re bound to bounce back after this. It just takes time and patience to heal—two things he can easily spare for your sake.

Xiao won’t make any wishes for himself. Rather than selfishly wishing to erase centuries of karmic debt, he’ll scrawl something unlikely on the surface of his lantern. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he’d let you fall, and so he hopes that his wish will come true.

And when your lanterns join the others in the inky sky, Xiao feels relieved to have you by his side, your warm hand gripping his and an infectious smile pulling your lips upward. Your life has so much meaning. It’s just a little foggy and you can’t see it, but Xiao will shine a light through that dark fog to help you reclaim that meaning. In due time, you will find happiness and he’ll be there to guide you to it on a bumpy path.

Without realizing it, his love for you blossoms and it’s a quiet flower shrouded in its own darkness. 

No matter what happens, give (Name) the happiness they deserve. That’s all I’ll wish for.

[kiame-sama]

28 Years (5th Pregnancy)- Yandere!Silva x Reader

Warnings; yandere relationship, yandere tendencies, yandere behavior, yandere, mention of past trauma, pregnancy, c-section, more arguing, vasectomy, Zeno is so done with his son's bullshit

"No. We are not doing this again. I won't allow it!" "Hey, I told you how to fix this from ever happening again." "I did use protection. It clearly didn't work." "I didn't say 'use protection' did I? I said you should get a vasectomy since it's clear that regular protection and emergency medication doesn't work!" "I shouldn't have to-"

"ENOUGH!"

You and Silva fell silent at the firm and loud command from Zeno, looking over at the frustrated elder assassin. He happened to be holding young Alluka in his arms while the infant whined and cried from all the noise, compelling you to take the young child and set to comforting the infant. Alluka quickly quieted once in your grasp and allowed you to return your attention to the matter at hand, the new heartbeat that originated from within you.

You had been trying to avoid a third pregnancy given your prior back-to-back pregnancies and your already fragile health, yet here you were with another infant growing within you. You assumed something like this would happen, given your past attempts with contraceptives and how little they actually worked. Naturally, you suggested Silva have a vasectomy as it was not only a surefire way, but also a reversible surgery.

Originally, you suggested getting your tubes tied despite the danger that came with it but Silva quickly shot down the idea with his usual explanation of not wanting to lose you. Silva knew somewhere in him that the typical contraceptives wouldn't work, given the fact that he had used several similar methods to trigger a termination of prior pregnancies you were unaware of. He had hoped in some way that your body hadn't built up a resistance to them, but he also knew it was going to happen eventually.

He did plan on undergoing a vasectomy when you had first suggested it, but he quickly forgot about it in favor of getting to finally fuck you senseless now that your body had somewhat recovered after your most recent pregnancy. He had just been so relieved you were able to be brought back from your cardiac arrest following his mistake of once again taking your child away, and couldn't help himself from indulging in his favorite pass-time; fucking you. It was clear to everyone how addicted Silva was to you, in the way he would always return to your side after a job, how he would guard you jealously from anyone other than himself.

He was so whipped for you.

But now, you had a serious choice to make for your future and the future of the life already growing within you. It wasn't hard to guess what Silva wants to have happen, and some part of you agreed after enduring all that you had. Yet... You still felt that maternal connection already forming, wanting to protect all of your children from Silva, even the new child within you that had yet to take even a first breath.

"You're not keeping it." "Yes, I am." "No. I won't tolerate this again!" "Good thing you aren't the one who has to tolerate it. Last time I checked, its my body that goes through all the strain and effort of pregnancy, not your’s." "Are you doing this just to hurt yourself? To try and exhaust your body to the point of death?" "... Again, last time I checked, I wasn't the cause of my heart stopping." "..."

Silva stood silently, passive expression on his face as he wrestled with his own mind over the matter at hand. On one side, you were right; he was the reason he almost lost you, he's been the reason every single time. Even if it was complications during birth, it was still his fault entirely for getting you pregnant in the first place. On the other, he knew the immense toll another pregnancy will have on your body and the chances of you dying during birth increased with each one. The odds were not good.

It was then Silva spoke, his voice gentle and not at all like what you were expecting him to growl out with. It was the voice you scarcely heard on those far and few between days Silva would be truly gentle in every way, usually reserved for when he decided to honestly apologize to you for something. He was proud and cold, but there were those moments when that pride was set aside, when he would actually explain how he felt instead of leaving it at short sentences that never offered answers.

"(Y/n), don't do this again. Don't stubbornly hold on to this one. I know you already love it, as you love all of our children, and you will always fight for their safety no matter what, but for once you need to let me win. Let it go." "... If I say 'no', will you take it from me anyway?" "(Y/n)..." "Are you going to take my baby away from me again, Silva?" "..."

A soft sigh left Silva's lips as he frowned, knowing you were going to win the argument regardless of what he said or did. He knew he owed you more than he could give and there was no way he would force you to give the child up. If you truly wanted to keep it, he wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. Still didn't mean he had to like it.

"There is no sense in saying the obvious or telling you the risks you run having another baby so soon after your two prior pregnancies." "I know..."

Zeno hummed in a contemplative way, knowing Silva would refuse to go out on a job while you are pregnant and he had already refused to leave the Zoldyck estate in favor of keeping an eye on you. Given how intensely and fiercely he protected you, Zeno knew the immense toll the pregnancies have taken on Silva as well as you. But no one in the family wanted a repeat of the events that took place after Silva had taken Alluka away from you without telling you.

It was going to be a long eight months.

~~~~Four Months~~~~

"You need to sleep, (y/n)." "But what if something happens?" "Nothing is going to happen." "You don't know that..."

Silva frowned as he watched you pace in front of the couch in your shared rooms, chewing on your lip as you cradled your youngest in your arms. The child had already fallen asleep in your arms an hour ago, yet you still held on securely and refused to set your baby down for even a moment. Silva had seen the way you reacted to Illumi being taken and the subsequent over protective behavior you showed once you got him back in your arms.

Your behavior now was similar to how you behaved then, refusing to let your infant out of your sight to the point of impacting your health negatively. Silva knew you were reacting the way you were because of how he had managed to take Alluka from you in the first place. He had taken Alluka while you were sleeping even though you slept with the infant swaddled in a pile of blankets in your arms, so now you refused to sleep in fear Alluka would disappear from your arms once again.

Now he had to face the lasting consequences of his actions in the form of soothing you to the point of trusting him once more. It was going to take a while, however, as Silva had broken your already fragile trust yet again by stealing away your newborn, so it was unlikely he would be able to get you to trust him completely any time soon. Instead of the trust he once had, he had to watch you slip away into anxiety driven behavior due to his careless and selfish behavior.

It was driving him mad to watch you slip into such frenzied behavior, especially given the fact that you were enduring your third pregnancy in a row. Not only did you need sleep now more than ever, but you also had been refusing food in favor of feeding Alluka instead. It infuriated Silva to no end, as he had no choice but to let your anxious behavior play out until you calmed down once more. He wasn't going to chance doing anything that may be upsetting to you, but that also meant he wasn't going to force you to rest no matter how much he wanted to.

"At least sit down, (y/n)." "With you? No. No, not again." "I swear to you, I won't take-" "You've said that before, and it didn't stop you from taking Alluka away from me." "I'm aware I made a mistake, but I assure you-" "No."

It was going to be a long four months until you gave birth again and potentially trusted him once more.

~~~~Six Months~~~~

You hummed as you looked down at where your darling Alluka slept, curled up and held securely in the arms of Illumi. Silva had reached a breaking point when it came to your anxious and stressed behavior, deciding to allow Illumi to be by your side consistently so you would finally relax and get some much needed sleep. The presence of your eldest nearby did wonders to soothe you, trusting in your son to take care of his little sibling and keep Silva from stealing the infant away.

Though Silva disliked the fact that he had to share your attention and affection with his eldest son, the alternative was far worse in his opinion. You had gotten to the point of rarely sleeping so you could ensure Silva could not steal your baby away, draining yourself immensely in the process to the point you were not only rapidly losing weight, but you were becoming far less coordinated by the day. When enough was enough, he consulted his father on what his next step should be and the answer was obvious; let Illumi help take care of your wellbeing.

Your eldest practically jumped at the chance to spend unlimited amounts of time with you, not even perturbed by the fact that he had to take care of his youngest sibling. An extra cot was added into the bedroom, allowing Illumi to be present for around the clock assistance in child-care and to give you the added comfort of having your most trusted son nearby. You ensured to teach him how to properly hold an infant and how to soothe Alluka's fussing relatively quickly, only strengthening your motherly bond with Illumi by allowing you to put full faith in him with Alluka's well-being.

For once, Silva's plan worked like a charm. Not only did you finally start catching up on the rest you needed, you began to eat your meals with Illumi and therefore began to eat regularly once more. Along with your physical health, your mental health began to improve as well. You started smiling and talking more, resting with surprising ease in the arms of the very man you refused to so much as blink around only weeks prior.

Thanks to your teachings, Illumi was a rather brilliant nanny in your stead. Alluka would hardly make a peep when held in the comforting arms of Illumi and similarly, Illumi would make little to no noise while caring for his sibling. Even if he had more responsibilities with taking care of Alluka, Illumi wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. He could spend time with you, talk with you, relax in your maternal love and affection.

Truly it was a win for all three of you. Alluka was always cared for. Illumi was finally able to spend more time with you. You were able to relax for the first time in who knows how long. Even Silva had relatively few losses, given how much more affectionate you were with him now you knew your infant was safe.

~~~~Eight Months~~~~

Silva paced outside of the delivery room, looking up almost every minute to check the time before resuming his endless pacing. He was much like a caged lion or bear, pacing just to pass the time and to do something other than sit still. He certainly was far more dangerous than any of those animals combined, only serving to add a rather pointed reminder to any doctor of what their fate would be should they fail.

But that was the whole purpose of this endeavor, to ensure nothing failed. Surely nothing could have gone wrong with all the precautions that were put into place.

Surely.

Either way, the long time it was taking only served to make Silva more anxious and his presence all the more intimidating. It in truth had only been a few hours since you went under so the doctors could perform a c-section to safely deliver what would be your fifth child. After the close calls with both Killua and Alluka as well as the fact this was your third back-to-back pregnancy, Silva wanted to take no chances with your life.

A c-section was how Killua and Alluka ultimately had to be delivered despite the fact you were able to have a 'typical' birth with Illumi and Milluki, so naturally it would only make sense for your fifth child to be delivered via c-section. It didn't sit well with Silva, however. Nothing would sit well with him until you were safely out of surgery and in his arms.

But what was taking so damn long?

"For fuck's sake, Silva, sit down. Pacing doesn't make it go faster and intimidating the doctors will only make it more likely for them to mess up." "Their lives are forfeit if they so much as make a single mistake." "And they know this. They've known this. All you're doing is adding another element no one wants to deal with."

Despite his father's chiding words, Silva continued to pace and glare at nothing in particular. Where it always seemed as if the man had a scowl on his face, it seemed ten times worse given he was actually scowling. The moment the door opened, Silva was pushing past the frightened doctor and into the room where his wife lay motionless.

For a moment, Silva felt an honest pang of fear in his chest when he saw you were not awake, the ever present beep of the EKG soothed him to know you were still alive and merely unconscious. The doctors all scattered like frightened rats, scurrying away from the intimidating mountain of a man who silently pulled up a chair, sitting by your side and refusing to take his eyes off of you.

Zeno, Maha, Milluki, and Illumi entered the room in a much calmer manner as they also came to stand around you. Alluka had been moved into Zeno's care given the impending delivery of the new addition to the family, and Illumi stood ready to receive the newborn and care for it while you recovered. Everyone had been preparing for the newborn in their own way, from the butlers ensuring the utmost safety to Zeno taking over Alluka's care, it seemed everything was finally prepared for and taken into account.

Meanwhile, in the past month, Silva had finally undergone a vasectomy so there would be no further chance of yet another pregnancy threatening your future with him. It was possible that it could be reversed and so it was the only surefire way no unexpected pregnancy would happen again. Where Silva felt he would have no reason to reverse the change since he already had five children, the option was always still available should something ever come up.

Perhaps finally there could be peace in the house. At least, peaceful enough no sudden pregnancy could threaten your life. Now all that needed to happen was getting the new infant out before Silva could finally have you all to himself once again.

He could wait. He could wait as long as he needed to. Because in the end, you would always be his.

[cuttoothed]

Day 7 of @jonmartinweek for the prompt "You are my reason". Still living in post-200 AU land.

*

There comes a day when Jon doesn’t wake up afraid.

His alarm goes off before the sun rises; he wakes tired, but feeling a little thrill of anticipation, because he and Martin have plans today. Nothing earth shattering, but they’re both off work, and the weather is due to be nice, so they’re going hiking up in the hills. Jon’s been looking forward to this all week; he's even okay with being up at dawn on his day off.

The hike is challenging, but the views are worth it, as the morning clouds part into sunshine and leave them gazing out across the craggy, verdant landscape. At the crest of the trail, they sit on a boulder to eat sandwiches and drink tea from a flask; Martin spots some cows on the hillside below and points them out with delight. By the time they get back to the car, they’re exhausted, and they agree that nobody’s going to be cooking tonight, so it’s takeaway from the Indian place near their flat.

That evening they eat too much curry, and drink red wine, and end up curled sleepy and sated on the sofa together, watching nonsense on telly.

“This was a good day,” Jon says; Martin only hums in agreement, so it’s probably time to get him to bed.

It’s only as he’s brushing his teeth that Jon realizes that he hasn’t thought about the end of the world all day. He usually wakes up from dreams of the ruined world; at the very least, it’s always in the back of his mind, guilt and fear and grief tapping at the windows of his consciousness through the day. He’s never had a day where he didn’t think at all about what happened—about what he did.

The realization jolts sharply through him, like a missed step in the dark; it makes something drop like a stone into his stomach, though he doesn't understand why.

He tells his therapist about it at their next session, couched in the careful untruths he’s crafted to convey the vast weight of it all without mentioning the literal apocalypse. Stuart listens, nodding, as he describes what happened, and then when Jon is finished he says:

“You know this is a good thing, right?”

“S-sorry?”

“Trauma plants its roots deep, Jon. It’s pervasive, like chronic pain. The days you have without pain in your leg or your hand, those are good, right? Even though they don’t mean that you’re permanently healed?”

“Yes,” Jon admits, flexing his fingers.

“This is the same. Your trauma isn’t gone, but the fact that you were able to enjoy a whole day without thinking about what happened—that’s really, really good.”

“But I can’t just forget—” Jon starts, and he’s not sure what he’s trying to say; I can’t forget what happened, I can’t forget that it was my fault, I can’t stop looking over my shoulder for what’s coming next.

“Of course not,” Stuart agrees. “But part of healing is letting what happened move into the past. Not forgetting it, but recognizing that it isn’t part of your present. That you can move on.”

Except it is the present, in the thousands of worlds he unleashed the Fears into. It isn’t something that can just be forgotten, that he can move on from. They’ve seen and felt no trace of the Fears in this world yet, but even that doesn’t mean they won’t come; it may just be a matter of time. Jon feels his chest tighten with that knowledge, that fear.

“The people I hurt,” he says carefully. “It’s not in the past for them—they’re still hurt by my actions today.”

“That might be true,” Stuart says. “But from what you’ve told me, you can’t change that. And your guilt doesn’t help them. All it does is punish you.”

“Maybe I deserve to be punished,” Jon snaps angrily, but Stuart only smiles, his face kind.

“Nobody deserves to be punished forever, Jon. Eventually, you have to forgive yourself.”

They’re nice words, but Stuart can’t possibly understand what he’s asking Jon to do. He’s been responsible for immeasurable pain and fear, the unchecked torture of billions of people; he will be responsible for so much more, across thousands of worlds. His whole life has been nothing but a means to a horrifying end. How can he just absolve himself of guilt, enjoy this charmed life he’s somehow gained while damning countless others?

(How can he believe that the consequences will not find him, someday.)

Martin must notice his mood when he gets back from therapy, because it’s not five minutes before a mug of tea and a packet of Jon’s favorite biscuits are placed on the coffee table in front of him.

“All right?” Martin asks, sitting down on the sofa with his own tea. He never asks Jon questions about his therapy —just as Jon respects the privacy of Martin’s sessions—but if he thinks Jon is upset, he��ll ask an open question like this, so Jon knows the offer is there to talk about it.

Jon considers. He hasn’t told Martin about what happened—or rather didn’t happen—the day they went hiking, not wanting to spoil it for him. But Martin’s the only person in this entire world who can possibly understand how Jon is feeling, and he’s the person Jon trusts most. Jon doesn’t want to hide things from him, not anymore. They’ve had enough of that for a lifetime.

So he tells Martin what happened, and how it made him feel, and what Stuart said, and how that made him feel. At the end of it, Martin gives him a fond, teasing smile.

“So what I’m hearing is that you’re feeling bad for not feeling bad,” he says. “That is...so incredibly you, honestly.”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that,” Jon protests.

“I know it is. And I’m not trying to dismiss how you feel. I promise. It’s just…” Martin pauses, his brow furrowing as he considers what to say. “Sometimes, when I feel sad for no reason—when parts of me go sort of...numb, I start looking around, expecting to see the fog curling in under the windows. But it isn’t, because the Lonely isn’t here, and I have to deal with the fact that there’s no—no fear monster making me feel that way. It’s just me.”

“Martin…” says Jon, his heart aching. Martin doesn’t often talk about the bad days, after they’ve passed; he prefers to save it for his therapist, since “that’s what I pay them for”. He reaches for Martin’s hand, and Martin laces their fingers together.

“I think you’re the same,” Martin says. “Ever since we got here, you’ve been waiting for something bad to happen. For all of it to—to catch up with you. But it hasn’t. There’s no Fears coming after you, and there’s no...universal justice, or whatever, to punish you. It’s just you, Jon.”

Jon feels a lump in his throat, his eyes stinging. Has he been waiting all this time for something bad to happen, for the other shoe to drop? Has he thought of this as only temporary—a longer respite than that three weeks in the cottage, but just as impermanent? He shakes his head.

“That doesn’t take away from what I did,” he says. Martin nods.

“It doesn’t,” he says. “And nothing takes from the fact that I didn’t kill Jonah Magnus when I had the chance, either. We can’t change the past. We just have to find reasons to live with it. To carry on living. Now, as we are.”

“You know what my reason is,” Jon tells him, his voice thick with emotion; he told Martin a long time ago. Martin ducks his head, smiling, and his fingers squeeze around Jon’s.

“I know,” he says. “But it’s okay to have other reasons too. A nice hike in the hills, or going to the pub with some friends, or petting the many cats you seem to have befriended in our neighborhood. It’s okay to just...be happy, Jon. I promise.”

“I-I’m not sure I can,” Jon tells him; he’s not sure he deserves the chance to be.

“I know,” Martin says. “I know it’s difficult. But you do deserve it. And I’ll be here to keep telling you that until you believe it. I’ll be here to help you keep getting better, like you help me. As long as it takes.”

Jon feels a sob rising in his chest, and dives in to stifle it against Martin’s shoulder, burying his face in the solid expanse. He can feel the tears wetting his cheeks, soaking into Martin’s jumper, but he knows Martin won’t mind. Martin’s arms go around him.

“I hope you’re okay with the long haul, then,” he mumbles against Martin’s shoulder. He’s not sure what he’s done to deserve this, probably nothing, but he has it, and he doesn’t want to let it go. Martin chuckles warmly, petting his hair.

“That’s what I’m here for, sweetheart,” he says. “I’ll be your reason, if you’ll be mine.”

“That’s the deal, then?” Jon says; he’s not sure if he’s laughing or sobbing, but he knows he loves this man with all his heart.

“That’s the deal,” Martin agrees. And Jon might not deserve a deal like that, but he’d be a fool not to take it.