#is this that thing where the 'symptoms' of autism are actually just signs of autistic distress. like 'meltdowns'

[maculategiraffe]

my sister, who works in child development so I assume she knows, was telling me that the baby's preschool teacher was saying a bunch of things to her that (my sister said to me) "are basically code for 'we think your child might be autistic.'"

and I was like well I mean steve is definitely on the autism spectrum and I probably am and you've been saying you probably are and we secretly think that might also be what's up with our mom, so it wouldn't be surprising if the baby is too, and it certainly wouldn't be a problem. but out of curiosity what does the baby do that seems autistic to them? because I thought the early signs in toddlers were like... problems with joint attention, and ignoring other people. and he's always extremely engaged with me when we hang out

and my sister said "they say he doesn't talk, and he doesn't respond when they call his name, and he spins around in place..."

and I was like huh. well he certainly talks to ME. and responds when I call his name. and when he feels like spinning I simply sing the turn around game song and he loves it and follows all the directions. have they considered that they might just be boring

[azuremist]

Haruka isn’t autistic-coded – he has an intellectual disability (and why that matters)

(AO3 Mirror)

A lot of people in the MILGRAM fandom (especially English-speaking MILGRAM fandom) state that Haruka is autistic-coded, as if it’s fact. Most recognize that Haruka is coded as disabled. (If you didn’t recognize that, I hope this post will help to explain why.) However, to state that he is coded as autistic specifically is incorrect. Haruka is coded as intellectually disabled.

Now, there are likely two things that contribute to this issue. One is the invisibility of intellectual disability as a whole, and another is the fact that a lot of this has to do with things that only someone who speaks Japanese would understand (such as complex vs non-complex words in Japanese).

In this post, I plan to lay out what an intellectual disability is and how it differs from neurodivergencies such as autism or ADHD. After that, I want to discuss the way Haruka speaks and uses words, the symbolism in his MVs, and how this lends to him being coded as intellectually disabled. Finally, I want to discuss why this even matters at all. Because, in truth, viewing Haruka as autistic instead of intellectually disabled leaves the viewer misunderstanding his story in a huge way that seems far too common in English-speaking MILGRAM fandom. So, I hope you listen to what I have to say.

What does it mean to be intellectually disabled?

Confusing autism and intellectual disability (henceforth referred to as ID) is not an issue unique to the MILGRAM fandom. They are quite commonly mistaken for each other, in the same way that autism and ADHD are both commonly mistaken for each other. And for the same reason, too – autism and ID are comorbid. This means that, if someone is autistic, they are more likely to have an ID. For this reason, it makes perfect sense to headcanon Haruka as autistic. I headcanon him as autistic, myself, actually. But, in this post, I’m going to be strictly talking about his coding, not headcanons, and he is very specifically coded with an ID.

So, what’s the difference? In the words of the National Institutes of Health, “Whereas ID is associated with general deficits across developmental domains, ASD is in fact defined by the observation that social communication deficits are particularly impairing.” (Source)

To say this in layman’s terms, autism is primarily characterized by difficulties in social communications. Cognitive abilities in autistic individuals vary, just like with allistic individuals, but the defining features are issues with social interaction and nonverbal communication. Autism by itself effects how effectively one communicates, but not intelligence. On the other hand, ID is a limitation on intellectual functioning, just like the name implies. This causes issues in areas like learning, problem-solving, and abstract reasoning.

A lot of people think ID is a synonym for ‘learning disability’. ‘Learning disability’ is an umbrella term that covers things such as dyslexia and dysgraphia. This isn’t the case. For one thing, ID can be a diagnosis on its own. ID is subdivided into syndromic ID, where intellectual deficits are present with other signs and symptoms, and nonsyndromic ID, where ID is, itself, the diagnosis. Examples of syndromic IDs include fragile X syndrome, and Down syndrome. For another, those with learning disabilities tend to have average to above-average intellectual abilities. Their disorder affects their ability to acquire and process information, but they are still able to learn. In contrast, ID affects the ability to learn at all, as well as affecting development and general function.

ID is a debilitating disorder. Many people with an ID cannot live independently, require help with self-care activities, and have limited communicative abilities. Understanding this – particularly, how ID is often a disability that requires a caregiver – is a key point to understanding Haruka as a character. But that’s to be covered later.

Words

The reason why this is a problem in the English fandom specifically is because the main thing tipping off the viewer to Haruka’s ID is the way that he speaks.

‘Weakness’, Haruka’s first-trial song, is written entirely in INCREDIBLY basic, elementary-level kanji – mostly hiragana and katakana. In fact, his first-trial song is misspelled in a lot of official releases of the song (‘Weekness’), which is a good way to get the same effect across. This is not the case across all platforms, though, for whatever reason. He also writes, in his trial 1 interrogation, with only that elementary-level kanji; often only one-word answers. The only complicated characters he knows are usually ones that mean something along the lines of, “I’m a stupid, idiot child,” which can be assumed to be because that’s what he has heard his whole life.

While I’m unsure if it is ENTIRELY in this basic kanji, his second trial song and interrogation is at least mostly written like this, as well. At this point, Muu is teaching him how to read and write (or, that’s what’s implied), but, even with that one-on-one attention, he is still speaking like a child most of the time to the Japanese ear.

When he’s forced to use or listen to words outside of this elementary-level kanji, he gets audibly confused, as well. In the AVIOT earbud collab, he has the voiceline, “Pairing seems to be in progress,” but, if you listen, he says “pairing” like it’s a question. (“Pair-ing?”) He doesn’t know the word is an English loanword that isn’t often used in everyday conversation, so he’s struggling to say it.

He also struggles when speaking to Es in his interrogations. He tries to say, “I will acknowledge any falsehood or silence,” but the words used are very advanced in Japanese. As such, he struggles with it, repeating, “False-hood? Si-lence?” Multiple similar exchanges happen in his interrogations, with Haruka misunderstanding words Es uses, and stuttering over unfamiliar words. The implication is that Haruka struggles with higher vocabulary or unfamiliar words, and with speaking and communication in general. He apologizes multiple times to Es for struggling, saying that he is not intelligent as an explanation multiple times. Additionally, in his second trial investigation, he talks about how he could never do the same things as everyone around him. When Es calls him stupid, he agrees. Es even states, “You really have no learning ability whatsoever.” When, mind you, having delayed or slowed learning is, like, the symptom of intellectual disability. It’s quite blatant. (Why is this not fandom consensus yet, again?)

Moving on from the point of how Haruka uses words, we can talk about other forms of word-based MILGRAM media. For example: when introducing himself, he says he thinks he’s 17, which implies that he isn’t actually sure. Additionally, there is lots of evidence for his intellectual disability in his interrogation questions:

He considers it impossible to learn another language

His dream is to ‘live normally’

He states he disappointed his father (not inherently an ID-related thing, but also, makes sense with his coding in mind)

Many answers imply that he’s been unable to live his own life, and he doesn’t really have any aspirations outside of being given attention

Finally, we have the lyrics to his songs. Again, on top of being written in very basic kanji, we have lines like the following, which include repeated themes of needing a caregiver (being ‘hopeless’ by himself), not being able to do what others can do, hating how he was born, and struggling to function. (I have bolded examples that I think are especially apt.)

“Why was I born like this? Why does it hurt so much?” / “Why was I born to be me? Why does it hurt so much?”

“Instead you kept calling me “hopeless” / You never called me by my name / You were always comparing me to someone else”

“If I tried and couldn’t say it, you would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless”” / “When I tried to understand it, you’ll make that disappointed face again”

“I just wanted to be your good boy” (what did the MILGRAM team want us to think when they included this line? likely that he’s childish or ‘hasn’t grown up’, right?)

“Mommy, look / I’ve done great” (calling her ‘mommy’ instead of ‘mom’ – again, ask what the MILGRAM team wants us to think when they included this)

“If only I could do what anyone else could do”

“It’s enough, I am a “disappointment””

“My life started in a wrong spot”

With regards to his relationship with Muu, he doesn’t understand why Muu using him would be a bad thing, or how she is manipulating him. People with ID tend to have poor judgment, and Haruka not being able to tell the difference and not caring about the difference between negative and positive attention shows this (although his trauma definitely also plays a role).

Finally, we have the trial song titles.

We’ve already discussed how “Weakness” is sometimes alternatively misspelled as “Weekness”, and that is because the title in Japanese is, arguably, misspelled, too. The Japanese title is a play on the phrase jakuniku kyoushoku, which is equivalent to the English phrase, “Survival of the fittest.” More directly, it translates to, “The weak are meat, the strong do eat.” The character for “strong” (kyou) is replaced by “together” (also kyou) – with the implication being that Haruka forgot which version of the word was correct for this situation. This also works to create a pun, of sorts, as this makes the title more like, “The weak are meat, communal eating”, creating an emphasis on the fact that there are more people eating than there are ‘weak people’. There are differing ways to interpret this pun, but one way is to view it as a statement on Haruka’s status as a minority, oppressed (‘eaten’) by the majority.

On the other hand, we have All-Knowing and All-Agony. In Japanese, this song title is Zenchi Zennou, which can be translated as “Omniscient and Omnipotent”, used to describe the Christian God. Once again, we have what we can assume is Haruka misspelling the title, creating a pun. One that is much more on the nose, as the character for “ability” (nou) is replaced with the character for “worry, distress, pain” (also nou).

It seems that the reason why Haruka uses new complicated words (aside from the words meaning “idiot” and the like) in All-Knowing and All-Agony is because Muu is teaching him. It features the more complicated “食” (shoku; food), when we know from Haruka’s 2023 birthday portal that Muu is bringing him meals. It also prominently features Muu’s name, 夢 (yume; dream), which is more complicated, as well.

Imagery

Now, we get on to the non-verbal, more visually-based evidence for Haruka’s ID. Be prepared for a lot more images!

Going back to Muu teaching Haruka how to write: it’s not just clear in his usage of kanji, but also how he writes. Comparing his handwriting, it becomes much easier to read after Trial 2’s start, and his writing is soft and bubbly; much like a teen girl’s writing might be.

All of these improvements are able to be linked back to Muu (both his style of writing and in the more complicated words that he knows), who we know is looking after him. Considering this, it’s pretty clear why he sees her like a maternal figure.

One of the Minigram comics shows the prisoners eating curry udon together. Of the four shown (Amane, Haruka, Shidou and Mahiru), Amane and Haruka are the only two who make messes out of their clothes. Since the other two characters in the comic have active roles, and Haruka has the most passive one, Haruka’s inclusion can be assumed to be because he is the only prisoner aside from the child, Amane, who would make a mess while eating.

Childish themes and imagery are seen scattered throughout his MV, as well, especially his first one. He draws with the skill level of a child, which is a very prevalent motif, and he is shown to sleep with a plushie.

Additionally, he seems to have trouble putting on his clothes. He wears two entirely different socks – not just different colors, but also two different lengths. His pant legs are also two different lengths when he tries to roll them up in his Trial 2 art, and he seems to exclusively wear slip-on shoes up until he befriends Muu (where we can presume that she begins helping him, and even then, they're not done properly).

There are various visual parallels drawn between himself as a child and himself as he is now (for example, the way that his clothes are a mix of his current shirt and the vest he wore as a child in All-Knowing and All-Agony), and he often compares himself to a child wanting praise.

Even the violent acts that Haruka is shown committing are also a sign of an ID. People with IDs tend to have meltdowns, and devolve into fits of violence. The reasons for these meltdowns vary depending on the person, but reasons can include anger / frustration (especially in reaction to not being able to communicate well), sensory overload, and confusion.

You may note that Haruka’s mother reacts the exact wrong way for dealing with these meltdowns. When trying to help someone experiencing a meltdown, especially a violent meltdown, the last thing you want to do is appear frightened. The number one piece of advice everyone gives for helping someone experiencing a meltdown is to remain calm. It’s also not advised to leave the person alone, either, because that sends the message, “I want to avoid you when you feel this way.” (Which I suppose, for a neglectful mother like Haruka’s, would be technically accurate, but still not at all helpful.)

It only makes sense that Haruka’s tantrums continue to get worse and worse.

But after the meltdowns fade, he seems to not understand what he’s done. He’s shown experiencing fear and confusion after he hurts something, even shown as his child self at one point. A major part of IDs is being unable to connect actions to consequences.

Finally, we go onto his body language. Frankly, I considered putting, “Imagine this as a real person doing these things and not an anime boy, and you’ll see my point.” Which is true. But I decided to go a little more in depth.

Swaying is heavily associated with people with IDs. This is, in part, because people with IDs have reduced postural balance, and general body balance. Because of that lack of postural balance, people with IDs tend to slump quite heavily, as well. Both of these traits are shown very obviously with Haruka, in All-Knowing and All-Agony.

In the same MV, he’s also shown biting his nails. Like autistic people, people with IDs stim, and this could also be a version of hand mouthing (repetitive contact between the hands and the mouth / tongue), which is also heavily associated with / often seen in intellectually disabled people. He's also shown doing this in promo art.

So, why does this matter?

Haruka being intellectually disabled is a huge part of his story, and, when taking it into consideration, it changes how one views his story a lot.

Haruka being treated better as a child makes more sense with this framework. He wants to return to when he was a child because his level of intellect then was seen as more ‘normal’. There wasn’t as much obviously ‘wrong’ with him yet. Children are expected to be a little slow, but it’s when they remain that way that many parents begin to become concerned. He yearns for when his mother didn’t know he was disabled, and when she treated him better for that reason.

Haruka being severely neglected / abused by his mother would be awful, no matter what, but him being intellectually disabled makes it so much worse. He needs attention and care from his caregivers even more so than the average child does, because he has trouble even functioning on the day-to-day without help. This is why he thrives under Muu’s care; she is meeting his support needs. Likely not perfectly (she’s just a teenage girl, and she is almost certainly not trained or educated in this regard), but even with the amount of support that she is able to give, Haruka is thriving. He’s more confident, he’s learning how to write, and he’s eating more consistently.

Without that care, he struggles so severely that he melts down regularly, going into fits of violence over the fact that his support needs aren’t being met (on top of all of the other emotional baggage that comes with any child being neglected by their parent). Haruka’s mother continued to ignore these cries for attention, for help, for care… Until it went too far.

The way that Haruka’s story is viewed changes drastically with this information. If Haruka was autistic, it would affect very few of the things that I listed. So much of Haruka's story hinges on specifically his intelligence level, not how he socializes. And do you have any idea how many people I’ve seen say, “He’s a neurodivergent with a shitty mom, but so am I, and I didn’t kill anyone about it”? No. If you are not intellectually disabled, you do not get to compare your experiences as if they are equal. If you don’t have an ID, your experiences cannot be compared in this way.

Haruka has a debilitating disability that requires support which he was not getting. He was experiencing ableist abuse at the hands of his mother, and he didn’t know how to handle it. All of his violence happened during his meltdowns, and his disability makes it harder for him to connect his actions to the consequences, or find alternate ways to solve his problems – this is all extremely important information and context when you’re discussing whether or not his crime is forgivable.

If you still don’t forgive him, that’s alright. But to neglect this aspect of his character is, to be frank, baffling, if you’re trying to participate in the spirit of the series and understand everyone’s crime to the fullest extent. And to make jokes, comparing your own experiences to Haruka’s, since you assume him to be neurodivergent and nothing else, does a huge disservice to his story! And, when it’s done to demean him? It honestly comes off a slight bit ableist.

So, I’d like everyone to keep this information in mind moving forward. Don’t infantilize Haruka for his disability. But do consider this information in your analysis posts, your discussions, and so on. I’d like to see this become common knowledge in the MILGRAM fandom, especially since the idea of him being specifically autistic-coded is so widespread by this point.

Thank you!

[candyskiez]

The thing about Mob being autistic is it's like. It doesn't feel like someone wrote a character experiencing symptoms of autism. It feels like that is a person who has autism. It's not even just "he shows signs of autism", it's like the driving force of the plot. The inciting incident behind the story is something so many autistic people can relate to. The whole scene where Mob realized "do other people have goals? Am I the only one who doesn't know what I want?" Resonated with me so hard and I've literally never seen that experience covered. And you can't like Explain how autistic he reads as to someone who isn't autistic yk. Like yeah it's the social cues yeah it's the emotional regulation but it's also Everything Else. Literally everything else. It's the fact he doesn't even know why he was so nostalgic about Tsumobi or why she meant so much to him. It's the fact that even good things add up to explosions. It's the fact he acts like how autistic people who have trauma around ableism and bullying act in real life. It's the fact the trauma of ableism is actually shown to fuck you up. I don't know how to explain to a non autistic person why Mobs so autistic because it's not just any one thing it's literally everything about him. Everything in the story. It's all autistic and I cannot explain it I can only gesture at it and go DO YOU SEE THIS. ARE YOU FUCKINH SEEING THIS. I've literally never related to a character more than Mob it's actually insane. I could not explain to someone who hasn't watched the show. He deserved to win all of those autism polls the plot of mp100 would not happen if he wasn't autistic.

[correctproseka]

An essay on autistic Mafuyu

Coming from a very autistic person.

Mafuyu has a bunch of autism symptoms, but a lot of them can also be explained by other reasons, such as her upbring and trauma, but not all of them, so I'm going to start speaking about the explainable by other things traits and move up to "boy you're tism". (Notw that the trauma explanation can also have a pre-disposition to happen due to tism)

In the biggest "can be explained by her trauma" category, we actually have the biggest reason people headcanon her as autistic. Her Alexithymia. Which is just a fancy word for "can't recognize her own feelings". No i did not have to copy paste that name to not write it wrong. Yes, many autistic people are bad at recognizing their own feelings, me included. But we also have to note that Mafuyu absolutely hid away those feelings for a mask and because they were needs not being met, a "good girl" like her doesnt get sad or angry right? Thats what made her push down those feelings so much she just ended up.. numb. Its extremely common in depression as well as autism which made me personally not realize i was depressed until someone made me put it into words, it was similar to my normal.

Theres also her.. exquisite vocabulary, Mafuyu uses lots of fancy terms sometimes, which is very stereotypical white boy autism. But also, she was pushed books down her throat by her mom since she was a child, she was expected to be this "fancy" and "smart-sounding". So she is.

Observant. Mafuyu doesn't talk a lot, she observes. She can recognize things on others sometimes, but mostly about the environment, which can be an autism noticing a bird singing 5 blocks away or a trauma "i need to notice this or i get fucked" reaction.

Mafuyu as mentioned, tends to listen more than speak, I am personally not this kind of autism, but it exists, Mafuyu is quiet, listening and only speaking when she feels her input is needed. This can be simply a mixture of autism and trauma. She doesn't feel the need to speak, so she doesn't, why would she waste her energy like that? Smh.. but also her good girl mask is supposed to be a good listener, not much of a yapper.

Now we are starting to move onto the things she does that are less explained by trauma and more explained by tism. Which is my favorite part to analyze.

Parallel play: Mafuyu seeks comfort with being with niigo and working alongside them, she doesn't even need to be talking, as seen by the kitty event where she kept just listening to them on earphones, she just wants to be near her people and gets calmed down by being with them.

Bluntness. As an autistic person i am extremely blunt in wrong situations, and can easily not recognize its the wrong situation. Per example Mafuyu's "why dont you imagine you're gonna get killed if you dont do it in half an hour" or all the times she points something out to Ena and gets a scream back because it was the wrong time? Mafuyu says what she thinks and when out of the mask she really. Really. Lacks a filter, because she doesn't know when or what she's supposed to speak or not

She.. kind of needs people to say the obvious? Sometimes she doesnt realize whats going on, why she's reacting in a way, so and so. One of the reasons Mizuki had to tell her it's ok to run away. Mafuyu never considered it. It wasn't obvious for her like it would be for a lot of people, she's kind of very oblivious in emotional matters like that, and needs someone (coughs usually Mizuki) to explain something to her

There's probably more but im doing this in like 15 minutes.

Plus, all in all, she makes autistic people like me really relate to her, even if they can be mostly explained by trauma doesnt mean she doesn't show those signs or that they're only because of that, even the mask she uses is a known neurodivergent thing.

[writers-potion]

howdyyy, currently writing a romance fic and I’m having some major issues here.

how would you write a romance between an autistic character and an OCD character??

i’ve done some research and turns out the autistic character would most likely show affection by gift giving (not one for physical affection).

i don’t know too much about the character with OCD (i’ve done research and I have the disorder myself). they’re really affectionate, like a total shoulder to lean on, yet afraid of actually letting someone in because they’ve been left behind by people in their life.

as of now I just have a few nerdy dates they’ve went on, with the OCD character enjoying it and falling in love but trying to distance themself.

ty for all you do <3 i need ur wisdom!!

Autistic x OCD Character Romance

Hi! Thank you for the ask 🙂

A few notes before I start

I understand that the symptoms of autism and OCD vary, and the things I suggest here won’t apply to everyone!

Since both the OCD and autistic character will have their own quirks, letting the romance work will be a matter of how they would suit, given their personalities and dating styles. 

Autistic Character in a Relationship

Their need for solitude would be real. For them, the time they spend with the other will be included in their “social quota” for the day, and they won’t be too open to meeting the other’s friends and family over the weekend. 

An all-encompassing interest may be their only true form of relaxation. An OCD character will understand the feeling of an act being a necessity – this can be a common ground they find comforting.

Their honesty can help the OCD character be more open about their thoughts. Autistic characters have difficulty lying or understanding “white lies”, unintentionally forcing the OCD character to own up to their compulsive/obsessive thoughts. The OCD character may actually find this liberating. On the other hand, it can be frustrating at times. 

They may not be able to talk about feelings in their inner world. This can be a huge barrier, and the autistic character may obsessively talk about their all-encompassing interest rather than sticking to an important conversation. This might be something the OCD character can understand better than others.

They’ll show love through practical acts, like silently holding the OCD character’s hand when they’re trying to wash it for the nth time, or tidy up for them when they know it’s stressing the OCD character out. 

They often camouflage their true selves for the sake of survival. Camouflaging who you are can lead to exhaustion, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and not feeling in touch with the authentic self. 

OCD Character in a Relationship

Since the OCD character has repetitive, intrusive thoughts they don’t want, they’ll often feel anxious and distressed. Think of their mind as a computer monitor where you simply cannot close the tabs you hate seeing. Everyday things will be stressful, so they might be more prone to being snappy/irritable on bad days.

They may be overwhelmed with their obsessive/compulsive thoughts while dating. The autistic character might not necessarily realize this (since they are slow to pick up on nonverbal cues), and they can spend time comfortably distracted in their own thoughts. 

The Key is Communication

The biggest challenge with such a relationship is that it’s going to be more difficult for both characters to understand what the other is feeling. 

If they’re to have a stable relationship, they’ll have to learn to (1) be honest with themselves (2) learn how to communicate their thoughts/feelings in a way that the other can comprehend. 

OCD symptoms will become worse when your character is undergoing times of transition and change. Autistic characters will also fare badly under stress and won’t be open to an eye-to-eye conversation. Thus, the two of them learning each other’s “stress points” and the signs they display under stress would be crucial. 

Since change is challenging for both of them, show how they try to be least intrusive and take things slow. 

Establish Common Ground

Since an autistic character and OCD character are more caught up in their own thoughts than neurotypical people, show how their inner world is penetrated by the thoughts about the other character.

It’ll help to have a common interest they can talk hours and hours about.

Have them bond over the fact that they both have difficulty trying to explain themselves to neurotypical people. 

You can:

Include scenes where the character decides that the stress of confronting their authentic self/their fears is worth being with the other.

Have the OCD character meet the people around the autistic character, trying to understand the person. The autistic character may 

Have scenes where one/two of them are just too tired for the patient understanding the other needs. Show how they take a break, then come back for a calmer conversation.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* . ───

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[huboi]

GENSHIN BOYS WITH AN AUTISTIC S/O HEADCANONS (INAZUMA BOYS)⚡️

character(s) — ayato, thoma, heizou, kazuha, itto, gorou

reader’s gender is not specified, nor is their race. I always try to make my fanfics as inclusive as possible

tw/cw — none ig, lemme know if there are any

note(s) — I made this as an autistic person, however this may not include like every trait of someone with autism if that makes sense. PLS DON’T USE THIS FANFIC TO SELF DIAGNOSE URSELF WITH AUTISM, it’s important to get professionally diagnosed due to overlapping symptoms

AYATO

sadly he’s usually busy with being the head of the yashiro commission so he can’t spend as much time with u as he would like to

if u have certain comfort foods? he’s defo asking his maids to make the highest quality version of said food

you stim? he’s ok with that, it doesn’t bother him at all, as long as ur happy. if u want him to he will get you fidget toys

you have hyperfixations? tell him about them, he may not seem like he’s listening whilst he’s signing some documents from other clans, but he is listening to ever single thing ur saying, he’s a very observant guy

his sister loves u and is fully understanding of ur different behaviours, she actually thinks it makes you very unique. whenever ayato is not around due to his work, ayaka is always available for stuff you need too, she’s always happy to help her future sibling in law :))

thoma is also very supportive of you, all of your needs will be met as soon as you ask for them. he sees you as a good friend, so dw about being a burden, he loves u as a brother would

you struggle to make eye contact? that is a ok, ayato doesn’t mind, he knows that ur still listening to him, he refuses to force you to make eye contact with him if it makes you uncomfortable

don’t like large crowded areas? perfect! he doesn’t really like crowded areas himself due to all the attention that’s on him due to his high status, he knows the perfect places in inazume where there are no people

don’t like loud noises? that’s ok too, he will make sure to buy you noise cancelling headphones just in case you need them at any time

one time another clan group came over to his to deal business, and when they noticed you avoiding eye contact and fidgeting with ur hands, they made a snide comment on how you were acting weirdly

safe to say ayato refuses their deal, no one talks to his partner like that and gets away with it Scott free

don’t worry, he comforted you straight after they were gone from ur sights, he even made sure his day after was free so he could spend it with u <33

THOMA

this malewife is just the absolute perfect boyfie to have that’ll be so accepting and understanding of ur autism

sometimes he will ask questions about certain things, u don’t have to answer them tho, he just wants to understand a bit further in depth so he can support you as best as he can

if u ever get overstimulated for whatever reason, he will grab tomaramura for u to cuddle with or just to be there for emotionel support (forgot how to spell the dogs name) (ignore this if ur allergic to dogs)

if u can’t make eye contact he won’t mind, he just wants u to be as comfy as possible around him

if u have comfort foods don’t worry at all, like this man’s got u covered, he’s the best chef tbh, man can cook. he doesn’t care if it’s simple or the most complicated thing to make, he will make it

u have hyperfixations? he loves to hear about them, u can swear he has love hearts in his eyes whenever you talk about what you love

in return, he will talk about the animals that he helps look after, even shows you some of the clothes he’s knitting them🥺

don’t like loud crowded areas? that’s fine, he doesn’t mind a nice walk on the beachside when it’s quiet and peaceful

if ur clingy he lives for that, like hug him all you want, he doesn’t mind. he’s cooking? u can hug him, he’s cleaning? hug him, he can multitask

if anyone ever makes fun of you or belittles u for being autistic, you swear that thoma becomes a different person alltogether, like- where’d ur man go?

dw after he’s done with them he will comfort you sm, cuddles, kisses n anything else u need, he’s on it <33

HEIZOU

at first, he’s not the best with knowing what to do or how to support you, but throughout the relationship he gets way better at understanding you

if ur unable to understand sarcasm, don’t worry, he will let you know if he’s being sarcastic or not, if u want him to tell u that is

doesn’t mind if ur clingy, he lives for that shit. cling to him all u want, he just basks in it, he’s also quite clingy at times, so he appreciates it being reciprocated

if u don’t like loud crowded areas, he’ll try his best to take you places where it’s more quiet or less people are around. if he’s unable to do so, he will just drag you throughout the city until you find a nice quiet spot to relax

if u have certain comfort foods he will buy them when he can, he’s not the best cook, but he’ll try his best when he does cook

if u don’t like making eye contact he’s fine with that too, he can still talk to you and you can still talk to him so what’s the problem?

have hyperfixations? great, he does too. sometimes you guys just end up talking about ur hyperfixations and when u realise the time it’s already night time somehow

one time you were attacked by some samurai cause they thought you were an easy target, safe to say that heizou literally kicked their asses for you :))

KAZUHA

when u tell him ur autistic, he just lightly smiles and says “I know love, the wind already told me”

he always knows whenever ur overstimulated, u don’t have to say/do anything, he has it covered

hate loud noises? if ur on the crux ship then kazuha will ask beidou if the crew and her could possibly keep it down a notch

hate crowded places? he has the perfect spots where only the wind resides, they’re always so calming as well

if u have comfort foods then he will make them or buy them when possible

don’t worry if u can’t make eye contact, he’s totally chill with it, doesn’t bother him at all

if ur clingy he’s fine with that too, you can cling to him as much as you would like and he won’t bat an eye

if u have hyperfixations he will just sit down and listen to them, he can listen to them for hours no matter what

one time a new crew member poked fun at you for your autism, safe to say that they were no longer a crew member the next day

even tho beidou is pretty boisterous and loud, she always tries her best to tone down her tone when speaking with you, she has a small soft spot for you and often buys you ur comfort foods when she has extra mora <33

ARATAKI ITTO

this himbo oni loves you for who you are, like he doesn’t care you have autism, he still thinks ur the coolest person ever, however ur still numero dos, he’s numero uno

whenever ur feeling overstimulated he will get out ushi and let you cuddle with him, if not then he can just be there for emotional support

whenever he has his gang around he always asks them to tone it down just a notch if ur also there, he doesn’t like to be the cause of ur discomfort

clingy asf, like if ur clingy he’s like so happy, hugs for days, kisses for days, just fluffy shenanigans all day

whenever you start stimming he copies you, not in a mean way, he actually enjoys stimming with you, if you want him to of course, if not then he’ll just annoy kuki or sum

one time a member of the tenryo commission made fun of you... safe to say you and kuki had to bust him out of jail again

speaking of kuki she is like amazing with you, very supportive and is the one to go to when ittos not around and up to his shenanigans

have comfort foods? he will buy them when he can, can’t buy them often since he and the gang are sadly broke

talking about ur hyperfixations all day? talking about ur hyperfixations all day :) u and him will both take turns talking about ur current hyperfixations

he’s trying his best ok <33

GOROU

best emotional support dog/hj

when ur feeling overstimulated u don’t have to say anything, he will sense ur overstimulated and cuddle you if you want, he will also let u play with his ears and tail if desired

won’t take for you being picked on by anyone that resides on watatsumi island, he wil give them a very stern talking to, and he’s a general so he can be quite strict when he needs to be

if ur clingy he is too, case solved. no but srs, he’s a dog boy, what did u expect? whenever u guys hug you can hear his tail wagging and thuming on whateverur sitting on

have comfort foods? not to worry, he’s on the case, he will cook for you, don’t test him, cause he will no matter what!

doesn’t mind if u can’t make eye contact, sometimes even he struggles to make eye contact, and he’s a general!

sadly because of his job as a general of an army oftentimes he’s unable to really see you or spend lots of time with you, so when he does have time off you guys make the most of it by spending as much time together as possible

in short, he’s an amazing boyfie who won’t hesitate to receive and give affection when possible <33

content belongs to @huboi on tumblr, DO NOT REPOST ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS WHATSOEVER

[astralfandoms]

i wanna hear your thoughts!!! i wanna hear about chip and the override. <- i also have the override as like. a whole thing in my au and i think it would be funny if they started acting like they're gonna fight and then just. fell asleep in 2 recliners like middle-aged-dads lol

ALSO THE HOSE TAIL IS SO GOOD AND I LOVE HOW IN THE ONE WITH COSMO HIS FACE IS DESIGNED. HE'S THE MOON AND THERE'S A CRESCENT ON HIS FACE ABSOLUTE PEAK!!!!

You have unleashed the autism /hj

Okay so I have the headcanon that Chip grew up in a rich family who liked having a smart autistic child but hated the other symptoms (ex. getting overstimulated, having emotional dsyregulation) so would punish any sign of autistic symptoms.

Which is how Override (at the time, a nameless alter) formed: as a protector/prosecutor to keep Chip from experiencing/remembering violence whenever the situation called for it.

It was extremely active until Chip moved out of the house in college, where it went dormant...

Until Craig, who didn't know that there were multiple users, installed the Override into it, giving it its name.

So Override became active again, but this time Chip could semi-remember the switches but wasn't aware that this was a pre-existing issue resurfacing.

Eventually, Chip ends up being forced to go on vacation (mostly because even by C.O.G standards he was getting too banged up) and during that time period, Override is able to calm down and ends up figuring out how to be a protector/prosecutor in a bit of a healthier way (also made its existence known to Chip).

The two are still adapting to being a newly discovered system but they have some help from friends.

(fun fact i actually have a fic on Ao3 that while not focusing more on chip/override's backstory it does talk about override's existence and how they act vs how chip acts)

(said fic also features a rare pair and if you know you know /silly)

Also everyone loves the fire hose tail and honestly I'm glad!!! The reason why I added it to his design was that I wanted to add to the firefighter aesthetic and I'm glad it turned out good!!

Also this bit from his cogs.ink profile never left my brain

ALSO THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THAT ABOUT COSMO'S DESIGN!!! I decided to go more for a general celestial theming because I thought it would look more inch-resting!!

Also I made it so that he has blues on him to show that he's not entirely happy with being brought into C.O.G.S :3

Sorry if that got a bit darker than expected but thank you for asking!!!

If you wanna know more about specific characters or specific headcanons, feel free to ask!!!

< has to be told that they're allowed to share headcanons in order to share them

[duchessofostergotlands]

Do you think you could be autistic? No hate just wondered as I am too and I relate to a lot of what you say

Oh my anonymous friend, you don't know the can of worms you have opened haha. I am going to ramble here so just be prepared for that.

When I was little my mum did actually think I might be autistic. Predominantly because I played in an unusual way. I would line my toys up on the window sill and my grandmother's display cabinet thing. I would get furious at people if they moved my toys because they all had their own spot. And the only time I touched the toys was to move them from the cabinet (their home) to the window (the school). The rest of the time I would just stand still, stare at the toys, and wiggle my fingers. They called it "zizzing" - now it's called stimming, I guess - and they knew that was a sign of autism so my mum and my grandmother did wonder about it. But I had two things going against me: I was a girl and I was born in the early 90s. This was during the peak of the idea autism was the "extreme male brain." It was seen as being predominantly a male diagnosis. You probably know that. And there wasn't much understanding so our reference point would be people like our family friend who always looked at the ground, was obsessed with trains, had limited speech and would scream if anyone tried to touch him. Whereas while my family were still thinking about the autism thing I started school and I was academically strong, I had a small group of close friends and at the time - because of the gender disparity - girls only really got diagnosed with autism if they had some kind of very obvious speech delay, they weren't doing well at school, they had no social connections with their peers at all etc. So basically everyone just forgot about it. I got called a drama queen a lot, that was it.

Fast forward to my teens and my mental health was really bad. It got worse at university because I didn't have the routine and structure of school, I didn't have my mum cooking and buying food etc. I was diagnosed initially with depression and anxiety. After a while it was clear that wasn't right so after much fighting I got a diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder. Now you may know this but there is an overlap in BPD and autism symptoms and women are often misdiagnosed with BPD later in life because as children their autism wasn't picked up (because diagnostic criteria is still geared towards how it presents in boys and psychologists and psychiatrists don't always delve into motivations and thought processes). I found that out in my mid 20s but thought "nah I probably don't have it, I don't have special interests and I don't struggle with x, y and z." However, my mum became really interested in BPD after I was diagnosed and did loads of research, listened to podcasts on it. And she told she was listening to one podcast where someone was diagnosed with BPD but then they discovered it was actually autism. My mum said to me that the way she described herself in childhood was exactly how I behaved, as if I'd been the one speaking. And so that got me thinking and that's where I have been stuck over the last few years. I debate with myself constantly what's going on in my brain and I truly don't know. I regularly have epiphanies where I think "oh that thing I've done all my life is incredibly autistic." But then I think maybe it's actually BPD. And I just go round and round.

I identify as neurodivergent, regardless of what diagnosis I have. Some neurodivergence paradigms do recognise severe mental illnesses like BPD anyway, but I've realised that if you put aside the BPD I still have chronic problems with ordinary tasks and situations. And I used to think it was just because I was young but I'm 31, almost 32, and it isn't normal to take 3 months to make one phone call because you just can't make yourself do it! Most people don't find it this hard to take basic care of themselves.

[totally-sick-blogger]

Disability representation in Bob's Burgers

This is going to be a long post so buckle up and perhaps grab a snack

I am neurodivergent and physically disabled and Bob's Burgers is one of my two special interests so I feel very qualified to talk about this so let's just dive right in

In ~ my opinion ~ Bob's Burgers is one of the best shows overall in terms of disability and LGBTQ+ representation. Still, Today we'll be focusing specifically on disability rep and I'll be breaking it down by character and we'll be discussing both canon and implied disabled characters.

Tina Belcher - Tina is headcanoned by many (including myself) as being Autistic, as many of us autistic people find her extremely relatable and a lot of her symptoms to be obvious. She has a very hard time making and maintaining friendships with people besides her siblings, she does not understand most social situations, all of her "friends" besides Zeke are mean to her but never realize that they're being mean to her unless Louise points it out. She also displays heavy and intense interest in horses, and romance, which many see as her special interests. She also frequently stims both physically and orally; this is especially prevalent when she's in situations that she finds stressful. She's also known not to understand jokes or sarcasm (there's literally an entire episode with this as a running side plot, see season 7 episode 15) she also frequently tries to act like someone she's not and pretend to take interest in things she doesn't actually like in an attempt to make friends (see season 13 episode 14). There's also an entire two-part episode where she's a robot who's pretending to be human which was meant to be an allegory for her masking and she and Bob have an entire song dedicated to them feeling like they're unlikable and not knowing how to be "normal" and I find it painfully relatable and it has me in tears every time I watch that episode (season 12 episodes 21 and 22). The common argument against Tina being autistic is that within the first 5 minutes of the very first episode, there's a joke about Tina being autistic and Bob says "You're not autistic Tina" but my argument against this is that the Belcher family canonically does not have much money and getting diagnosed is very expensive. (also the entire family is very neurodivergent so it wouldn't shock me if no one in the family noticed that she was autistic)

Bob - Bob displays a lot of the same behaviours as Tina but also tends to be portrayed as the classical undiagnosed adult autistic man. He also has a strong tendency to personify and give names to objects such as his spatula; this however can be a sign of autism or childhood trauma which we also know that he has as it's showed and explained on many occasions that his childhood wasn't super great since his mother died when he was a young boy and his dad was not great at parenting and was showed to care more about his restaurant than his son.

Linda - Linda again is the classic undiagnosed adult auDHD woman. She's very hyper-active, and tries really hard to control situations but not in a malicious way. she needs everything to be perfect all of the time and takes extreme measures to make that happen which usually wind up making the situation worse (see season 1 episode 7)

Gene - Gene (in my opinon) clearly has ADHD. He's forgetful, can't get himself to do activities that aren't of his immediate interest, day dreams a lot and his very very extroverted. (Though not all ADHDers are extroverted). He also has a very hard time with rejection sensitivity which is common in people with ADHD.

Teddy - Teddy is the Belchers best customer and close family friend. He also displays symptoms of autism but on a more "severe" level than other characters mentioned. He eats the exact same thing for lunch every day at the exact same time, and literally has a breakdown if that changes without warning. He also has no social skills, is easily manipulated and has strong attachment issues particularily towards Bob and Linda. Also he's a hoarder but I'm not sure if that's relevant to this.

Gayle - I'm not really sure what's going on with Gayle or where to start with her but she definitely has some stuff going on in her brain.

Jimmy jr - Jimmy jr has a speed impediment and often displays his frustrations with his dad who wants him to go to speech therapy and get rid of his speech problems even though he'd rather spend his time pursuing his dreams of being a dancer.

Benji - Benji is a character who appears in a season 13 episode. He's a student in Louise's grade who uses a wheelchair and has a passion for puppetry and loves Jim Henson; though his mother would rather that he took wheelchair basketball lessons. (Also, fun fact: the voice actor for Benji also voices a disabled character on Sesame street, who's puppets were originally crafted by Jim Henson)

This post is already long enough so I'll stop here but I could go on for ages about this subject. I hope you all learned something and feel free to add to the conversation in the comments. Remember that some of these are just opinions and you're aloud to disagree.

Have a great eveing lovies and if you made it this far thank you for reading <3

[spookietrex]

Story Time with Spookie!

So let me just tell you a kind of infuriating, kind of funny story about mental health hospitalizations. (If you're only here for the funny bits, stick to the last 5 paragraphs!) This is a true story that I experienced. Names have been changed.

Tw: sexual abuse, involuntary mental health hospitalization, stalking

So for context, I am an ambulatory wheelchair user due to hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, POTS, and fibromyalgia. I have severe PTSD from multiple incidents, borderline personality disorder, autism (but mask almost automatically due to my trauma. I did extremely well in society before my autistic burnout. I am now experiencing severe symptoms), shaking/tremors/possible seizures (current diagnosis is functional neurological disorder but I have severe cognitive decline. Now find simple children's math books complicated (spent 45 minutes on one problem today in a number puzzle workbook for ages 7+), severe depression/anxiety, but most importantly I have severe trust issues with medical professionals because they keep involuntarily hospitalizing me when I, my wife, my therapist have both told them it doesn't help. When I am triggered/scared, I have PNES where I can't walk. Like at all. I will fall and hurt myself. (I also have POTS).

So I go to the hospital got some unrelated reason and they decide that I'm suicidal because I have a history as a kid and I have passive suicidal ideation controlled by a therapist (my exact words). They keep me for 2 days at one facility no AMA (barely feed me anything I'll actually eat. I'm a vegan), only at certain times was I allowed to to have any comfort items (my fuzzy blanket, was brand new, my phone, etc), they make up lies and decide my health even when I am honest (lmao they literally wrote in my medical record that i threw up on purpose, but they focus on the fact that I use marijuana for pain. Even though I have my medical card.) then tell me I'll be moved upstairs to the psych unit to "finish my psych hold, " where my wife will be allowed to visit me for one hour two times per week. So I'm annoyed but whatever. I know the plan. They tell me they're going to move me at midnight; plenty of time for my wife to get back from work. Nope, they suddenly tell me at 9:30pm the ambulance is on its way to take me to the new hospital. I start freaking out but am doing my best to not do things that will make me stay longer. I make them wait for my wife to say goodbye and deny all my sleep meds and request an Ativan so that I do not have a major meltdown at the new hospital. The entire time, I am shaking nonstop. I am barely aware of my surroundings. I am sweating like crazy and the EMT is very concerned. I ask to leave but am denied.

We finally get to the hospital (10:30pm) and they hand me paperwork to sign in and tell me they will not engage with me unless I sign. I ask if that means I can leave. She says no. I am forced to sign the paperwork voluntarily admitting myself despite actively voicing concerns. (1:30am)

The nurse is nice enough but she is distracted because another man is actively detoxing. She asks about trauma history and because I am exhausted and hope it helps, I tell her about my messed up childhood and my story. She validates me and leaves due to another patient (3:00am) tells me she has to take the fuzzy blanket for now but I should be able to get it back. Another lady comes in to take the fuzzy blanket. I am having a meltdown and shaking so badly I can't stand. She tells me to hand it to her. I gently toss it to her because I can't move. She yells at me. I tell her I'm having a seizure andcan'twalk. She says "no you're not" I repeated that I needed a wheelchair. She checked with the nurse and came back with a wheelchair. (4:30am)

Ended up on the psychosis unit because I told my doctor I was seeing color swirls that weren't there. (Kaleidoscope vision before migraine) The nurses on the unit laugh in my face when I ask about the fuzzy blanket. (6am) The bed was uncomfortable and I had no privacy. At this point, I'd been awake 24 hours so I slept. I got in trouble for sleeping 🥴

The worst part and the reason for this story there was this male patient that arrived on like my second or third day. He just walked into my room when I was laying down reading and stared at me for a while. I screamed at him to get tfo of my room. My roommate heard me yelling and came to help. He finally left but muttered something along the lines of, "I can do whatever the f--- I want. It's my f---ing room." This alarmed me so I alerted staff. They rolled their eyes and said, "That's just Billy. He doesn't mean any harm."

The next day, I am in the common room talking to someone, Billy comes up to me multiple times after I tell him to please leave me alone. He writes down his phone number on a piece of paper and tries to give it to me multiple times after he sees me accept my roommate's information. It happens in groups. Staff does nothing. It's not just me he's bothering but he's clearly targeting and following me. Other people notice and report it to staff. He did this for a few more days before I finally snapped. I yelled. I yelled really loudly to get the f--- away from me. I said it multiple times (I wanna say like 10) and staff did nothing before my roommate (again) told them I was yelling and to get him away from me. They gave Billy a shot for that.

That night I couldn't sleep. I was rolling through the hall with my wheelchair around 3am and heard the sound of a male masturbating. I rolled myself up to the counter wanting pain meds because my entire body was in pain and Billy's roommate Lamar was up at the counter asking to use the bathroom because his roommate was masturbating in theirs. (Ew).

The next day was the night before I found out I was leaving. I spent the day talking to group members that I liked and exchanging contact information and coloring. He again tried to offer me his information but I stayed with an easy way out or a barrier between him and I. Billy went out for a cigarette break with the rest of the group around 6pm. I sat inside with Aqua. We noticed that there was some commotion outside. Later, we learned from another group member, Levi, that Billy had gotten close to a dissociative girl, unzipped her jacket, and grabbed her breasts. She tried to push him off of her but didn't have much success. Lamar saw this and punched him off of her. Staff shoved Billy back inside.

Okay for this next part: there were a few people who knew I could walk but most of the group members had no idea. I had a fall risk bracelet (I am). So I'm sitting in the corner with Aqua also blocked in. Billy comes charging in and beeline directly for me. I have had it at this point. I have told him and told him. I scream louder than I have screamed at this facility to get the f--- away from me. This does not work. I get louder and louder until I am filled with adrenaline and no longer give a shit about whether I fall on my face (but am pretty confident I won't). I stand and take a step forward and shout so loud that the smokers could hear me through the glass outside. Staff comes running. Billy is looking shocked and the only thing that comes out of his mouth is, "Hallelujah. It's a miracle. You can stand." I am seething and am ready to tear this man apart just as staff arrives to take him away. I sit down in my wheelchair and stare at Aqua, slow blinking, aghast at what just happened.

[pjunicornart]

Symptoms of Me (vent post... kinda)

So, my mental health has been kicking my ass as of late. I haven't been feeling the best, and lately I've been beat to shit by my autistic symptoms.

So how did I vent? With Meet the Robinsons, of course. Because I feel so connected to Lewis/Cornelius, I headcanon that he experiences my symptoms as well.

I drew Neil displaying how my symptoms/trauma manifests. They're all just little doodles. I think it's important for people to see from multiple perspectives when it comes to mental health (especially neurodivergency) because everyone's symptoms manifest differently. I've wanted to make a post like this for a while, so... here you go.

This is me. (cw: brief mentions of trauma/abusive relationships)

I space out a lot. Often times I'll get lost in my daydreams, so much so that hours could pass by and I wouldn't have a clue. This happens a lot, actually. It's the reason why I'm only able to get one artwork done a day, because I constantly space out. Another little symptom displayed here is my fidgeting. As I write this post I am bouncing my leg.

Wanna know a physical sign of autism? Toe walking! I do this a lot. I do it because carpets and hardwood floors feel weird to walk on. If I don't have my house shoes or socks on, I'll toe walk everywhere.

Music is how I connect with the world. That's why I get inspired by music so often. Since I can't formulate my words on the topic of my feelings, music is how I do that. Music helps me understand myself by putting complex things I don't understand into simple to sing along to verses.

On the topic of music, it gets stuck in my head. Easily. I can put a song on loop for five hours straight and I would never get bored of it. When I go to bed, the song will play in my head, and I'll get excited because I can listen to it again in the morning. Because songs get stuck in my head so often, I would mumble under my breath the lyrics as a tick. The same could be said for my ticks in general. Small phrases or words will repeat in my head over and over again, and I'll say them aloud. Recently, "he's tired" has been on repeat for me. I don't know why.

Wanna know ANOTHER physical sign of autism? Frequent constipation/irregular and incomplete bowel movements. I am definitely guilty of this. I've been taking fiber gummies, but it's only helped a little bit. I still go over a week without going number two. This might be a bit TMI, but this is one reason why it was super difficult for my parents to potty train me. It would hurt to go, and therefore I wouldn't wanna do it. My parents weren't particularly... nice, about potty training me. I have trauma from it. Speaking of...

Because of trauma, I HATE using toilets. This kind of ties into my age regression as a coping mechanism a bit. For multiple reasons, I wish I had a better childhood. So, I regress to a mental space where I'm a happy kid. If I'm being honest? There are some days where I wish I could just go in a plastic potty and not use the toilet. Because of the trauma from potty training, yes, but also because they're loud. Loud noises suck.

Emotions? I don't understand them. To me, it's just noise. I see no reason for them, and I hate them. But it's only because I don't understand them, and this includes my own emotions. There are times where I'm crying, and I have no idea why I'm crying. I'll tell myself there's no need for me to cry here, and I'd curse myself for being "weak", when I'm just being human. I'd judge others for getting angry, because to me, it's so easy to just suppress everything and look at things logically. I had to teach myself empathy recently, because I didn't get it when I was younger.

I freeze when I'm in conflict. I remember everytime I'd get in trouble with my dad (he was emotionally abusive), I'd just sit there and cry, with the words stuck in my throat. I couldn't get them out, no matter how hard I tried. He'd yell at me and tell me to talk, and it would frustrate him when I wouldn't listen to him, and he'd just tell me off more. He didn't realize I was shutting down due to my autism (which was undiagnosed at the time - and still is because the American healthcare system sucks). It was hell. To this day, if I'm ever in a conflict, the words get stuck in my throat.

In general, my relationship with food is negative. I avoid certain foods like the plague because they trigger my very sensitive gag reflex. Most of the time it's a texture issue. That's why I have my comfort foods. They textures and tastes are perfect! You'll notice that they're mostly warm foods. These foods warm me up in a way I really like; It's a pleasant feeling. Box mac n' cheese is my all time favorite comfort food, too. I like it a specific way: It has to be the Kraft brand with the spiral pasta, and I like it with a little bit of extra milk. It makes it creamier. By the way, I don't know why I drew that burger with cheese, because I actually like my burgers plain. Just burger and bun (same with hot dogs).

I'll be okay. Just going through a rough patch right now. I have a new AU idea for MtR that I'll explain. Eventually.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hey, um, this feels like a silly question that I should have seen the answer on here somewhere for, but...

What is your opinion on self diagnosing autism?

I really want to seek a formal diagnosis because there are so many signs that I'm autistic; I've taken every single test you've linked on your blog with really high scores, I've realised a lot of common autistic experiences are things that I've had that I just thought I was insane for, and that having so many sensitivities when it comes to food and textures and smells and lights and things not always being exactly as I think they should be isn't just....a thing that I go through, by myself, that I can't get over because I'm not trying hard enough- that other people struggle with the same things all the time, but they have autism and that's something I could never even consider that I might have too until other people asked me because they thought I did.

I'm sorry for going on- all this is to say, I do want a formal diagnosis, but because I'm trans/autonomy is a concern if I were diagnosed, and because how hard it might be to even get one since I don't have anyone around from my childhood to attest to how I was when I was young, I don't know if it's even something I can or should do. At the very least, it would take years for me to get to a place where I could pursue it.

I've been agonizing and doing so much research over the past several months, and I'm so so sure, but I'm also really afraid of diagnosing myself with it, let alone communicating that to the people close to me. I don't want to be one of those yucky people who lie about having autism. All I want is to feel like it's okay to seek community with people who experience the world more similarly to me, and like I'm allowed to ask for resources and utilize things that I need to function better in day to day life without unrightfully claiming something that I might not actually have.

So, um, I just wondered, what do you think about self diagnosis, as someone with autism? Is it wrong to do it- is it wrong that I've even thought about it? I don't know what's okay at all, and I really feel terrible about even thinking I could.

Thank you for taking the time to read this even though I drabble on.

Hi there,

Im not a doctor or a professional, but I’m completely okay with self diagnose as long as you do the proper research. (Not looking things up on TikTok or anything like that. I know there’s some actual neurodivergent there trying to help, but I think it’s filled with so much misinformation than information.

I was diagnosed in 2009, but I I was diagnosed with Aspergers before it was changed into Autism Spectrum Disorder.

And it’s completely up to you if you want to a official diagnosis. Some people find it helpful, other not too much. If you want to try to get an official diagnosis, then you need to find a good psychiatrist/psychologist (I don’t know which one diagnoses disorders).

But that might be a but hard.

Sorry for rambling there. My main point is you can definitely diagnose yourself if you do correct resources and some symptoms that you think you have.

I hope this answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[anghraine]

One of the things that some people seem to ... not realize about mental illness/disorders/conditions/psychopathology/whatever you want to call the brain weasels is that "symptom of a disorder" does not mean utterly divorced from typical human experience.

It seems really common for people to indignantly denounce a given symptom being considered a symptom of a disorder because "everyone does that" or "that's common, actually" or whatnot, regardless of evidence for the symptom being associated with disorder X.

But there are some major issues with this.

[This predictably ended up long and personal and rambling. I am what I am!]

The first is that symptoms of disorders are quite frequently behaviors or ways of thinking or whatnot that most human beings will do at some point, in some contexts, and what makes them "disordered" is when they occur in unusual contexts, or much more persistently than is usual (especially if these unusual contexts/persistence are disruptive to the person or those around them), or are similar but much more severe or intense than is usual.

For a straightforward instance that most people do get: the overwhelming majority of human beings experience fear and/or anxiety at the prospect of certain social situations. Being anxious and stressed about a major work meeting, say, is not at all unusual. But if you generally feel that level of stress at the prospect of interacting with other people in any context and spend your life in constant fear and dread, that's often a sign of clinical anxiety. That is, it's not unusual for a person to experience fear at various points; it's the pervasiveness and severity out of proportion to what it's about that are unusual and likely having a very major impact on the person's relationships and quality of life.

Additionally, most disorders are not diagnosed via a single symptom. My visceral hatred of direct eye contact, for instance, contributed to my autism diagnosis—noticeably avoiding eye contact or experiencing profound discomfort around it is a very common symptom of autism. But that alone does not an autism diagnosis make. Sometimes people are just shy or unaccustomed to looking people in the eye or have some other reason. But that doesn't make it irrelevant to autism when it tends to be particularly prevalent and particularly persistent and intense among autistic people.

Also, sometimes a symptom is a "normal" thing people do taken to a much greater extent than is usual. Lots of people have hobbies, lots of people are intense about them, but the level of fixation associated with some conditions does have to be fairly extreme compared to how most people are, which is why "well, lots of people have hobbies" is a rather silly criticism of hyperfixations being part of diagnostic criteria.

I've been thinking of the latter point lately—not just with respect to hyperfixations, but the inability of many people to grasp that "thing lots of people do, but more" can be a significant symptom of a broader mental condition.

Like, going back to autism, I've often seen allistic people get very aggressive and indignant about something they see as "normal" being in any way associated with autism. There was a post going around awhile ago talking about autistic people navigating social situations via conscious, rigid sets of rules, and one of the people in the replies lost their shit at the idea that this could be a diagnostic symptom (even though rigid adherence to exact rules or systems is particularly common with people on the spectrum and our social issues contribute to reliance on rules) because "everyone does that."

I mean ... firstly, no, plenty of people understand social "rules" more intuitively and don't have to think through them with as much deliberation as autistic people frequently need to. Neurotypical people often are more able to understand where rules can be bent and more comfortable with exceptions and inconsistencies where, to many autistic people, rules can be more like fundamental constants of the universe (and inconsistencies can be much more actively upsetting!).

An example that a friend of mine and I can now joke about: a few years ago, we went to an academic conference in Orlando, FL, where we were both presenting papers. A major tornado suddenly struck while we were out touring the city, and we had to run to the nearest substantial shelter. The streets in our area were largely deserted and we were running towards a large sports goods store when I came to a very abrupt halt.

My friend: what are you doing?!

Me, pointing at the crosswalk sign: It says don't walk.

My friend: There is a TORNADO and nobody is here.

Me, in my late 20s: But it says don't walk.

And it's like ... I'm sure there are allistic people somewhere who might think that way and autistic people who could adapt to the basic reality of the situation more easily than I could. But for my friend, this was very much an "Elizabeth is autistic for real" moment because of the way that rules operate in my mind—even when I intellectually know that sometimes they need to be broken for the sake of something more important, there's some part of my brain that cannot deal with the reality of that.

Or, say, I never have the time or energy to keep my living space as orderly as I prefer, but I have at least managed it with my clothes closet, in which all my blouses, skirts, and dresses hang in a specific order based on the color or main color for prints of the article of clothing (white -> grey -> blue -> green -> yellow -> brown -> red -> purple -> black). Allistic people sometimes do this, too—but when my foster sister was sent to hang up some of my clothes when I was living at home in my late twenties again and didn't hang them up according to my color-coded system, it felt a bit like my mind was melting and I was very deeply upset out of all proportion to the situation (but could only see that in retrospect).

That's the sort of thing that came up when I was getting diagnosed with autism—not because all autistic people are that way or because no allistic people are that way, but because that kind of thinking if not that specific scenario is associated with the spectrum and affects my life more pervasively than any single incident or description really conveys.

Last example of what I'm talking about, and the one that brought this to my mind this week: the other day when my mother's family arrived and I was helping her prepare dinner, there were about four conversations happening at once between different relatives, lots of different sounds and smells, and my mother was distractedly rattling off everything she needed. I'm very easily overstimulated, cannot multi-task (this is why I can't drive!), can't remember lists, and struggle to deal with most sensory input, period.

So I was standing in the kitchen with my brain sort of shorting out and my aunt (not the terrible aunt I've mentioned, but my uncle's wife) starts asking me how she can help me do all this stuff while this clamor is going on around us. This was like ... autism special hell and I was trying to get across "I just need to do these things one at a time by myself, but there are a lot of distractions," but I couldn't string the words together even though I'm highly verbal on paper, in a controlled environment. My aunt just kept asking what I wanted her to do and I kept getting more and more upset and inarticulate to her bewilderment, which my mother finally noticed.

My mother: Oh, oops, she's having an autism moment, all this is probably overwhelming, right?

Me: I—

My aunt: Haha, that's not autism! I'm overwhelmed too!

This kind of thing happens to me all the time. The moment that anything about me or someone like me is attributed to being autistic, allistic people rush to insist that it's not really an autism thing, it's normal, they experience the same thing, even when they very obviously don't experience it in the same way.

I'm sure my aunt was overwhelmed in her fashion. But it didn't interfere with her ability to form sentences. Yet she was watching me struggle to string words together, what came out was a garbled incomprehensible mess, the whole family knows I have a formal diagnosis and it's been generally known in the family that I'm autistic for over ten years, and yet the idea that this might be affecting my thinking or behavior in any significant way is something that allistic people often find somehow offensive, even when they like or love me personally.

And, yeah, lots of allistic people are at a loss for words at some point or other, but that doesn't mean it isn't particularly significant for autistic people. Things like severity, pervasiveness, disruption to quality of life matter, not only the extremely simplistic assumption that any and all symptoms of mental disorders must be wholly separate from random people's assumptions about what is "normal."

[clunelover]

In the past couple weeks I've gone from "I guess I have some autistic traits but there's so much overlap with ADHD and PTSD etc, it doesn't really matter" to "I'm convinced I have autism, and that my mom and sister (the one who was also born of mom) do too, and it explains so much!!!"

A few pieces just clicked into place all of a sudden. Seeing more ways in which I am similar to my autistic son. And reading some comment on r/raisedbynarcissists saying "undiagnosed autism and ADHD can turn into personality disorders later" and being like "that can't be true and makes no sense" - but then I ran it by BFF and she said "it's a good theory - a major factor in developing a personality disorder is having your needs unmet as a child, and that's something that commonly happens to undiagnosed/misunderstood neurodiverse kids."

I started thinking about how my personality-disordered mom (and all her siblings) were FOR SURE neglected as kids (always good to be ambivalent towards children and then have seven of them! Go Catholicism). My mom's stories about herself as a kid always cast her as a weird outcast loner (some of which was exacerbated by her mom's rules - like, her mom couldn't be washing laundry for 9 people changing clothes every day, so my mom and her siblings had school clothes and play clothes, and it was expected that, barring some major stain, they'd wear one set of school clothes for a whole week - but other kids will notice and tease you if you seem to always wear the same clothes!!). She had one particular story, about these imaginary creatures that she invented, and felt like she could see them and commune with them. They were called Beesies, and she would have to crouch down to be able to talk to them, and her parents were unkind about seeing her crouching and talking nonsense to things that weren't there. So, I think that speaks powerfully to both the neglect/loneliness, and perhaps the vivid fantasy life of an autistic person.

When I was in my 20s, my mom got diagnosed with ADD, and at the time I was very dismissive. I thought she had just scammed her way into a diagnosis so she could get adderall and use/abuse it for its appetite suppressant effects. But now I'm like, "no, she was thrilled about that side effect, but I think she did actually have ADD...and quite possibly autism, and actually I think I have both of those too."

Then last piece of this (sister piece) came into focus on 4th of July. I told my sister BYOB cause I'm off booze hopefully for good. She sent an oddly formal reply - something like "I know it's generally considered poor form and overly personal to ask someone why they're not drinking, but can I ask you anyway?" I thought, "okay, what in the rigidly-defined-communication-rules hell?!" I just said "hey you're my sister, you can ask stuff like that!" and then explained why. (Oh and there's a whole other post I could write about all three of us probably using alcohol to cope/mask symptoms...BUT ANYWAY). So then, during 4th of July, my stepdad/her dad tells this story about her as a kid, at one of her birthday parties, where he had set up pin the tail on the donkey for the kids to play, and my sister apparently just DID NOT get it - "why would I wear a blindfold to try to find out where to put the tail? I already know where to put the tail." And then people were trying to explain it to her - "see, it's funny, cause when you can't see, you put the tail somewhere else"...etc. And apparently she said, "why would it be funny to be wrong?" I either hadn't been at this party or didn't remember it, so hearing that was a real eureka moment - OH MY GOD, we're all fucking autistic!!

Oh also, she was a very serious baby who appeared to be puzzled or frowning often, and didn't really laugh, and we all just thought this was funny at the time...omg, more signs!

So anyway, this is totally recasting my thought about my sister's lack of emotional expansiveness, and how I am always getting my feelings hurt by it! We are possibly both autistic people, each with marked, but different and sometimes even conflicting, communication difficulties. No wonder there are so many misunderstandings and unsatisfied expectations, etc.

IDK I have so many more thoughts and memories I'm recontextualizing, I could go on, but in any case I'm very eager for my therapist to return from vacation in a couple weeks so we can discuss!!

[a-disaster-of-literature]

The autism spectrum

Many people have the wrong idea about the autism spectrum. They think it's a separate group of autistic people with no overlap with "normal" people. That if you have autism you just end up somewhere on the spectrum. And that it doesn't matter where. As if the spectrum was separate from all the others without autism. As if it were like this:

wears always wears never socks dosen`t care socks

|------------------------------------|-------------------------------|

Don't get me wrong. Everyone experiences and behaves differently, but the autism spectrum does not cover everything. It is not a seperate place. You can see it more like this:

|----------------------------the spectrum-------------------------....

_______ "normal" people____________ ______autism_______ .... | | |

|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----.... 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

The spectrum looks more like this. Every person is included in the spectrum. You can be at a 0 and therefore show or have nothing autistic at all. You can be at an 8 and have the symptoms and mannerisms of autism and still not have it. So you can have it and not have it at the same time.

Because (I use the German diagnostic system and only tell from personal experience) there is a point from which the signs are considered a disability. It is the so-called cut off point which is ten. So if you want to stretch the theory very far, you already have autism at 1.

no- thing ______________________ autism____________________.... | | |----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|--.... 0 1 2 3 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

But a 1 can also have other indicators that can be traced back to the ways you`re raised, culture, origin or perhaps other clinical pictures. In addition, a 1 is so mild that it has no influence on daily life. Even if you are higher up and show signs of autism and people around you notice a behavioral problem, up to a certain point it is said that it doesn't affect you enough to be a disability. Accordingly, 10 is the cut off point where it is said ok, that is now a disability. Therefore, it looks like this:

|----------------------------the spectrum-------------------------....

_______ "normal" people____________ ______autism_______ .... | | |

|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----|----.... 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Where you are on the spectrum depends on how pronounced it is for you. And it also shows at what point therapy makes sense.

That's why I'm very against self-diagnoses, because of course, you can be right about everything and recognize signs of autism, but only be a 7 or 9. A point where it doesn't affect you as much to be a disability. Or you can actually be above the cut off point, but even then it would be helpful to have a therapist at your side who can show you a few tips and tricks.

And to report on my own experience; I'm at 11 myself and for me, of course you notice something, but it's pretty mild autism. So you have some kind of measurement for the spectrum.

If you want too, you can see autism like a scratch on the wrist. Most people do not have that scratch. Some have a light scratch but dont notice it because it dosen`t hurt and does not affect them. Maybe someone will see it from time to time, but it has no affect to anyone whatsoever.

But if one is up to a 7 or 9 it can happen that the scratch hurts every now and then and maybe more people notice it, but it does not hinder to do anything and does`nt hold one back at given times. The hand can fully function.

A 10 or 11 (like me) can live pretty good with it, but the scratch is so deep that a medical schould look at it. That it can`t be simply plastert up like the lower numbers. And the medical can help one avoid or handle situations, so it does not hurt as much. It will still hurt a bit and will be always there, but with the right help you can learn to live with it.

If one is higher up, the srach might need stitches and will always hurt. The stitches can only be made by a proffesional, who will help you and those around you on how to live with it. And maybe the sratch is so deep that the actions of the hand are restricted.

That growing up, one was never able to move a Finger `cause of that scratch or even the hole Hand if its deep enough.

I hope this made sense :)

[autism-unfiltered]

hi, i just got diagnosed with autism at 25, but i'm unsure about it bc i feel like other autistic ppl have/had it harder than me. i've never had a meltdown or shutdown, and despite the social issues i had growing up, whenever i read about others' experiences i always feel like they had it so much harder, like all my struggles were actually manageable, things only started getting harder once i reached adulthood. also the diagnostic process was fairly easy, the therapist said it's because i know myself really well, but now i'm scared i've actually been fooling myself.

Hello,

Firstly, congratulations on taking the step to understand yourself better through your diagnosis. It's important to remember that autism is a spectrum and everyone's experience with it is unique. Just because your challenges may seem different or less severe than others', it doesn't invalidate your diagnosis or your struggles. Many people on the autism spectrum don't experience meltdowns or shutdowns, and others develop coping mechanisms that may make their struggles less visible to the outside world.

Moreover, reaching adulthood can indeed present new challenges that weren't as prominent during childhood or adolescence. The structures and routines of school life give way to less predictable adult responsibilities, which can be more difficult to navigate. It's also not uncommon for individuals, especially women and those assigned female at birth, to receive a diagnosis later in life due to a variety of factors, including the ability to mask symptoms.

Feeling like you know yourself well is actually a strength and can be helpful in many areas of life, including therapy. It's not a sign that you've fooled yourself; rather, it could mean that you've been adept at managing your symptoms. However, if you still feel uncertain about your diagnosis, it's okay to seek a second opinion or ask your therapist to address your concerns. It's also beneficial to connect with the autism community, where you'll find a wide range of experiences and perspectives.

Remember, your experiences are valid, and it's okay to take time to explore what your diagnosis means for you. There's no right or wrong way to be autistic, and no two journeys are the same. Take care of yourself and reach out for support if you need it.