#its just like therapists say if change your mindset you change your life

[caffstrink]

Artist life hack

[that-one-girls-blog-posts]

you're confused about your emotions ? me too babe, here's a quick reading

I chose random images from my pinterest to read into your energy so you can choose randomly aswell, whatever speaks to you♡ also Idk what's with the 2016 songs today but I kept hearing random ones throughout this reading maybe there's some resonance for you

Pile 1

The Moon🌜

first off I'm hearing that song "we don't talk anymore" by Charlie Puth. So maybe you're dealing with some kind of loss right now, maybe a breakup, a fight with a loved one, a new chapter meaning you have to leave someone behind a little... if this is the case, or similar, allow yourself to be "thrown off" a little, those kinds of situations take adjusting and remember that nothing has to be forever. where I come frome we say : "thunderstorms clear the air" meaning that after a fight there's great potential for healthy communications and solving problems once and for all, for a peaceful and harmonic environment♡ A reading about your emotional state and I pull the moon, how well fitting. The answer truly lays on the inside with this one. no one can tell you how you truly feel exept for yourself! (and maybe your therapist) I think for most of you there's a new season starting and you're realising that it can't be all returning characters. Take some time to heal your relationship with relationships and analyze what and who is truly of good value to your life. you got this!

Pile 2

four of swords🗡 and page of pentacles🪙

for you I'm hearing that song "cold water" with Justin Bieber. And you actually need to take a jump into cold water. There's something you've been manifesting and now that it's slowly getting closer you're resisting the change. Maybe by refusing to let go ? It's like little kids now around Christmas, you can actually watch this happen with slight alterations, all the time. Their parents take them to the toystore so they can see what they like, and they child ofcourse find something but their parents tell them okay now time to go home and wait and see if Santa will bring it. But the kid clings to the shelves and doesn't wanna leave behind the thing they so desperately wanted. Little does it now that their parents just need to get them out of sight so "Santa" can buy the gift and deliver it WHEN IT IS TIME. let go of obsessing, overthinking and trying to "go the right path" and just let the story unfold, take it step by step even if its a little scary and you'll find yourself where you're supposed to be, you're so close already♡

Pile 3

seven of swords🗡

It's too heavy darling you can't carry all of that. You might think you do and you think you're so strong and abundant and successful for "having" all of that but then you wouldn't be feeling like this, would you? A burden, too much responsibility, too many goals or to do's for a person who only has 24hours in a day. I know the card typically speaks about actual betrayal but in this case it feels a little paranoid, like you're desperately trying to do it all on your own because your scared of beeing betrayed or someone messing with your vision or even catching evil eye. For you I'm hearing "Lady Marmalade" yk from Moulin Rounge !? I'm not sure how that fits in here and I never watched the movie but oh well, maybe you know what to do with this information. There could be something about sisterhood and sharing a problem (could be workload or talking about problems...). You might have that lonely wolf mindset, but no matter how strong you are, out there, beeing alone can get you killed. I keep seeing pictures of spiritual communities and churches, you might wanna be looking for something like a mediation or yoga class, bible study group, a coven.... depending on your beliefsystem! you're right not everyone is your friend but also not everyone is your enemy!

ps. reading back this comes off a little weird and I feel like I need to say this. please don't join a cult lol. If you are in some kind of group and things feel off, please take care of yourself♡

hope that helped <3

[anti-endo-haven]

terrified to even use our sign off for this.

we, well, actually i, have been so fucking scared that this makes us invalid. i once talked about it and our system friends didnt go "oh yeah that happens!" they went "oh... hm thats weird, usually..." and its scared me. im so terrified.

normally, we dont split with roles. our mind and body have a huge struggle connecting, and we have a hard time understanding our needs due to trauma and other disorders (adhd, reactive attachment disorder, undiagnosed autism), so i think that may be why. we have some caretakers and soothers, a worker, a protector, and one alter whos kinda like a gatekeeper but he cant control memories, but thats all ive ever seen. most are fictives with no clear roles.

ever since i figured out were a system, i.. regretfully didnt try to change how we– how **i** functioned. i let everyone do whatever they wanted, and i simply did everything. i tried to function like a singlet while i had 70+ people in my head dissociating or screaming or complaining. sometimes others help, but its not their role. sometimes a few have a mindset of "i dont have to do it, im new here, idk what to do" and i get it. theyre new, they really dont know how to live our life and function yet.

but we never even tried to function as a multiple

we are extremely young, no adult or professional believes us, we arent diagnosed, and were afraid to talk to our therapist because she gives us a weird look and constantly tries to shoot our experiences down as something else.

no one is a true frequent fronter, so i have a hard time thinking of who i could "assign" roles to.

i think my bfain needs help in figuring out WHAT we need help with, because were just splitting alters with no roles. they dont seem to be fragments really, or maybe they are and i just cant tell the difference?? because they feel fully fledged. just no role. its like my brain just gives me random guys on the street to hire or something.

its frustrating, and holy fucking shit my head hurts so bad right now auuggh

It’s not weird to split and an alter have no role upon first being around. It’s normal for a few, if not a majority, of systems. Even we do this.

We give the parts that split with no roles a few days to get their bearings and see if they front or if they’re just around to help out other alters or something else. If they don’t front, they have no role because they’re the only ones that need to know what they do at that given time. If they front? Hey, what role best describes you? We have a list. One doesn’t describe you? Okay, we’ll go to a blog and anonymously ask for a role name with a flag specifically for you and others like you to have a role as a just in case.

Not every alter needs a role or has one that you can tell. It’s okay to not force roles onto an alter.

If you can, try asking them what they’d like to help with. Cleaning? Caretaker. Protecting the body from others? Protector. Things like that.

You’re young. Focus on what you need rather than what others want from you. Be patient with yourself and see what everyone can say in your system to help function together.

[csmeanerr]

It’s so funny cause I see people say to spend money on non-digital things rather than CS and I just can’t take that as a good suggestion. One of my aunts, my dad, and his mom all have pretty bad hoarding tendencies, and when I buy real things I just hold onto them and don’t use them. I tried Pokémon cards (I have thousands), I was in the squishmallow craze (I have at least 20), and I buy legos (over $2k I’m sure) but they just take up space and that’s it. You could argue the same for my CS or really any OCs but at least that’s digital storage that does not affect my real life. Could I save? Yeah but I don’t have anything else in my life to distract me from the heap of useless money. No friends to hang out with, no hobbies, nowhere to go, nothing to do, it’s all an event of spending money either way. If I have to spend my money, I’d rather it be to support creators and on things that won’t fill up my house.

If it works for others good on them though fr

want to give this one a proper response because it's a good perspective to see through and understand. empathy and all that, and if i were in the same position yeah i'd prefer the stuff that doesn't take up space too

at the same time it's not all black and white and i can tell this is being typed from a pretty dark place and hope the best for you going forward. i've been in a pretty similar position, especially the pokemon cards. CS gives an easy entry to a community, especially if you have something others want. they are basically an art community centered around a common theme, the species itself

and while im all about supporting creators and making the most of your life, i want to add in some counterpoints to your words because i don't want others to fall into that defeatist attitude. shit might get personal but i do appreciate your message

cs is already a hobby. idk what you do in them but from how it's worded it seems you use your money to help pass the time with, be it buying an adopt or legos to do something with. spend your money however you want but i'll just say it doesn't need to be spent on material goods. just treating yourself to a yummy meal can still be worth its weight and not leave behind any 'waste' beyond the physical clean up

if you want to support creators too then support the other people in the CS community beyond the owner or staff. im all about creators getting compensated for their work while also understanding CS owners artificially inflate their work's value by arbitrary rules such as limited traits or artificial scarcity. if you want to support that then it's not like i can change your mind about it, all i'm saying is you can also use your money to commission the other artists who often have to sell their work for fake in-game currency or pennies in comparison

ngl you sound defeatist and bitter and are only rallying behind cs practices because you have a parasocial relationship and cope hard with it. im not gonna discredit that, i did the same exact stuff and put thousands into buying adopts be it because of FOMO, because I did like the owner, because i liked the design, or even just having something to do by checking market channels, talking in the chat, or designing their backstories. it's easy to stick with that or latch on, because if you have the money (and even if you don't) it's just the same as any other anchor to the shitshow of life

do i have a solution? not really it's not a fix-all and i'm not a therapist, i'm just going to say i can't abide by your explanation nor can i recommend it to others because that is the exact same mindset that people with addictive personalities have and makes them so susceptible to CS's terrible practices. hopefully you can find another way to cope and i do wish you the best

[jung-koook]

If its not too personal, what areas in your life are you confident in and how did you become confident? Because i struggle with that a lot and have zeeeero confidence in literally everything

I'm confident in many areas of my life that my friends usually aren't. like for example, I don't compare my beauty with others. I don't usually notice things I don't like about my body. I have this thought of always having to go out with friends. I usually go to the cinema alone, go to the bar alone (I don't even drink but I love going to bars lmao), etc. I don't care anymore if people look at me too much because I'm a foreigner (I was born in a country that is not my parents' country). my age friends often call me "yabai" lmao. my friends think I'm cool because I don't care about a lot of things, but I also have this thought with me, "have I really matured or is it just depression that made me this way?". I was diagnosed as having depression when I was 12 years old. and after one day I stopped caring about a lot of things. that's why I can't say how it really happened because it was something so fast.

I'm 100% comfortable in my body but that doesn't mean I don't want to change it. I am very thin and now I want to have a more fit body even though in my country this body type is not what they like but I really don't care. I'm addicted (lmao) to buying skincare and I'll probably do things to my face to keep it nice but that's because I like my face nice not because I compare myself to others. but since I've come to terms with these things I've also stopped judging other people and started to admire the difference. I also began to admire all kinds of beauty. I think some people get so fixated on focusing on their country's standard of beauty that they don't even ask themselves, "but is it that kind of beauty that I like or am I just following a mindset that I'm feeling "manipulated" to follow?". sometimes we just need to open our eyes to what's around us. my dad says i have a big ego lmao which is why he think i am like this. because when someone complains that I'm not wearing makeup or something I don't care. but seriously, I spend so much money on skincare that I want my skin to be so beautiful that I don't feel the need to wear makeup every day. and I'm a lazy person who is always wearing mask and I look really hot with it because I have beautiful eyes so I don't see the need to wear makeup every day. I already spend a lot of money on skincare lol. what matters to me is always looking pretty for myself because other people will always judge you and your body. if we always care about it, we won't be able to live as we want, but as others want. we only have one certainty in life is that we will die someday. there are so many things that maybe we will never have the opportunity to experience. at least we could have the opportunity to live as we want. this is something so simple and so hard at the same time right. i wish i could help everyone with this but it's impossible because we are different. its something my therapist has already told me, that I'll never be able to help everyone I love and care about that I need to accept that. aaaah, my friends also find it shocking that i am so open about going to therapy but i really don't mind being open about something that helps me so much.

I wish I had something to say to help you but this is everyone's unique thing. not always what I say can help you. unfortunately :/ but I wish you will find a way to be more confident. I think the first step is always to stop caring about what others think but that is often the hardest step, right.

[wolfrunner25]

30 June 23

Good Morning! “Your destiny lies in your thoughts. It is very simple as has been said: “What you think, you become.”  - Unknown

When I was feeling my worst mentally, I was very negative because nothing good would ever happen to me so why even try and be positive. At least that is what my brain had convinced me would happen. I'm here to tell you that your brain will LIE to you. It is so hard to break out of that cycle. I tend to think in what I call circular thoughts, when my brain is overthinking it thinks itself into circles. It becomes stuck in that thought pattern just like driving in circles on a race track over and over again with no place for a pit stop. Here is an example of the kinds of thoughts I would have; I'm worthless, the ways I'm worthless (Naming them off), the reasons no one can love me (naming these as well), and its all because I am worthless. Then the circle repeats. It took some therapy to make an exit to that cycle. I still sometimes struggle with it and I likely always will. But I made myself a promise that I will keep getting up and finding the exit again. I may be broken but I am not defeated. So I guess what I am trying to say is that yes what you think you become. If you think things suck then they do, but they do not have to. You just need to find the exit to that race track thought pattern. Maybe your exit is a therapist, maybe its a walk in nature, maybe its a good friend, or it could be anything that helps to change your mindset. My hope for each of you today is that you are able to find your exit to that race car track way of thinking and move to something more positive in your life. Have a fantastic day.

[pezpenser205]

unhinged suicidal rambling again because i have no quality control on my blog anymore :/

man. idk. life amirite. why do people do this. any of this. everything i do is just another thing to pass the time. i dont genuinely enjoy anything and the worst part about it is that i dont even think i want to. i just. dont care. like at all :/

my therapist asked what keeps me going to school and stuff and really all i had to say was "nothing. i dont have any future plans i want to carry out and im not invested in anything. the only thing i want to do is fuck around and die. i do stuff because im told i have to." and she was just fucking floored?? like maam i came to you with a major depressive disorder diagnosis. what do you want from me. what is my dad even paying you for. hell why is he paying for anything for me ??

what did you expect me to say here. "ohhhh yeah im totally living to get my fucking community college associates degree and get my first goddamn fucking miserable job i dont care about at 21 and a shitty apartment with no one in the world i can trust just to come home and play the same 2 games ive been playing my entire life because theyre the only thing that makes me feel like a kid again while i absentmindedly try to latch onto media i couldnt even give a single atom of a shit about while being unable to get an animal or a plant for companionship because im so scared of the emotions that come with loss i refuse to love anything at all im just fucking dying to live and get my whole life consisting of persistent apathy, longing, loneliness and sorrow started bro. ^_^"

????? kill yourself like actually what else do you want from me. im alive to keep you comfortable so you dont have to grieve and thats it you fucking shitbag. "live for yourself" what a fucking joke. whats best for me rn is like. the opposite of that. i dont get why people in my life want me alive for some reason though and its simultaneously selfish and pointless because i cant name a single positive thing about me without it being a lie. im 100% convinced people just dont want me to die because theyre attached to the idea of me existing because ive been here for so long and people dont like change, as shown by me being so scared of the idea of losing a pet that i refuse to get one. or the fact that i cant get attached to any media bc i know the attachment will fade and mean nothing. or the fact that i dont want friends because i know we will grow apart. there is no imaginable goddamn reason why ANYBODY would want me here other than fear of loss. everything ive ever done can easily just be done by others its ridiculous.

idk i think being anti suicide is dumb because some people really do just need to kill themselves because their unhealthy mindsets and coping mechanisms are etched into their very soul and everything they do and one of those people are in fact me. nobody would be missing shit if i died except for like. the money my family spent raising me. and even then thats just kind of a sunk cost fallacy type thing. so like my family needs to get over it or something idk. im living life with the "one more day" mindset atp. they can just cry about it if they dont like it. lord knows ive done more than enough crying in the past 2 months alone. idc anymore. yalls turn. <3 cry. ❤️ or shut up. youre annoying. ill kill myself whenever its convenient and potentially painless. literally the only thing keeping me from doing it is it being inconvenient. if i had a gun itd be so over /pos i really think itll be the first thing i buy with my money if i ever get a job

[ragnvdnir]

*drops mic after seeing this gigantic reply* 👁👄👁 I think i just unleashed the tot beast

Before i jump into this, great to know you've been doing well! I'm also excited for 2.8 and Kazuha 😍 no primos tho coz i wasted it all on Xiao :)

I was looking at mihoyo's new game ZZZ when i came across a guy from tot, he was on the beach with MC? I think? Found his name; Marius and searched him up and god damn it was he so freaking hot!!! 🤤🤤 *chokes on air* I actually downloaded the game but can't play it coz i have no storage 😐

After reading your reply i might have changed my initial assumptions about the boys 🤔👀

Luke... i wasn't sure about him at first but after this he might jump up to my favs (even tho i barely know any of them 😅) he's cute but idk... didn't really feel him but i am a sucker for childhood friends to loves!!!

Marius was def on top untill you told me about his personality 😃 maybe I'm still a simp for him but idk about the teasing and love hate realationship.... i still want him tho😐

Ok Vyn was not my fav but after reading what you said??? I might change my mind 👀 1) yes! I wanna live a lavish life! Castle, ballrooms, the whole shebang 😤 And 2) honestly i wouldn't mind these red flags coz i feel like i need someone like that to keep my ditzy side under control??? 🤷🏻‍♀️ And read me too coz sometimes even idk what i want 😅

Malewife and househusband??😳 Say no more where do i sign up! Artem was second on my first impression list mainly because he was the oldest... but now i think i love him more??

HSHSNSK WHT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME 😐 how do i deside between them?? Can i have em all 🙏🏻

-☘

you asked for it😒😒 /j

OH IS THE CARD WHERE THE MC IS ON THE TOP OF HIM WHILE DRINKING?? bc that card got me👀👀👀

i feel u anon😭 storage was my biggest problem too so i didn't play tot for months (i think i first played around september last year? before the lost gold event) i missed a lot of good events and cards🤧🤧

AS YOU SHOULD??? LUKE IS VERY VERY CUTE I WANNA NOMNOM HIM👹👹 HAVE U SEEN HIS LITTLE FANGS?? *faints* have a little break sir my heart is about to burst😩

LMAOO I CANT WISJDKKSKS but besides the teasing marius is actually caring and thoughtful. i really just cant put up with his flirty remarks so its love hate👉👈

RIGHT??? FINALLY SOMEONE THAT GETS ME😩😩 VYN IS MWAH MWAH I WAS IMMEDIATELY ATTRACTED TO HIM🙏🙏 we need a therapist anon🙋🙋 tldr: we need vyn

OH LAWD ARTEM REALLY HITS DIFFERENT TO ME THESE DAYS🧎‍♀️💍 there's just something in older men that got me like😗😗 its probably the maturity his mindset is just 💘💘 im like sir are you available for a marriage??💍💍 he's awkward at first since he's single since birth and haven't experienced sooo but do i look like i care?? im not loud and funny(?) for nothing🙄🙄 /j nah bc he's my standard. dude reads romace/psychology books bc its his first time falling inlove 🙏🙏 (forgot where i saw this info but yeah)

thats my question too tbh. simple, just be rosa(mc)

[gay-dorito-dust]

can i request a lilac cookie x thief! resder? its okay if u cant do it!

Let’s get one thing out do the way. Request me stuff for anything cuz I will do it cuz a majority of the time I have nothing else to do. So it’s alright to request me stuff. Don’t ask me why I wrote lilac the way I did because I felt like how would say shit like this since he’s quite mysterious like an silent observer so…I honestly didn’t know what to do.

When you met it wasn’t the most romantic of starts considering you were planing to raid some castle ruins that a nearby town was reconstructing of it’s treasures and he nearly ended you then and there but didn’t -which was odd considering the tales you’ve heard of him- and let you off on a warning that the next time you tried to steal he’d deal with you personally that needless the say whenever you smelt the soothing scent lilac you, ironically, became agitated and anxious that he was nearby with a changed mindset and was here to put an end to your thievery even though he wasn’t.

This wouldn’t the the last time you saw/smelt him as it seemed that wherever you went he was always somewhat lurking behind you as if he was your shadow that within the corner of your eye you could see traces of purple petals in his wake along side the faint scent of lilac and the very tail end of his attire vaguely being seen before disappearing out of sight afterwards it soon became a cat and mouse game to see who could catch the other first. A game that all came ahead when you managed to corner him while chasing him through the back alleyway after another failed heist and you were at your wits end with this dude intervening where he shouldn’t.

“Whats your deal, why are you following me?” You said visibly frustrated, running a hand through your hair as if it would take your stress away like magic, “If you wanted to end me you should’ve done it when you first found me back at the ruins like you should’ve done.” Lilacs’ eyes met your own where you could see he was just as visibly frustrated at the situation as you were but for an entirely different reason. “I wish I could answer your question with a clear mind but it seems that my mind has been clouded with a fog of your creation the moment my eyes captured yours, from then on I’ve had the urge to follow you as if you help all the knowledge I could ever need in life.” He admitted with the most silkiest voice you’ve ever heard, raw with emotions ranging from indifference to confusion then finally some semblance of acceptance that he wouldn’t be able to find the answer alone and had came in search of the only person who would know what he was going through because you were going through similar things that lead to you one day conscientiously wondering where he would be on days where you weren’t out committing theft. As though he was the primary thing that made your days remotely exciting. The thrill of the chase if you will but what was waiting for you at the end of this chase if there ever is one?

“Why are you talking like that? As if you were in some theatrical play or something? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes kind of dude-“ you stopped yourself mid rant, getting way off topic over something so trivial as the way someone speaks, not that it shouldn’t be anyone’s business anyway, “look never mind that. I don’t know what your feeling or why your feeling it this isn’t some feelings at first sight crap you’ve been told as a kid. It’s not my job description. What your looking for is a therapist for some crappy ‘how to understand your feelings better 101’ book written by some loser.” With that being that you let him be in the alleyway by his lonesome.

Several more months and several less creepy encounters later -one of which where he saved your ass which was a surprise- and you were already getting ready for your first date with the cookie. Were you dating? No if anything you were just taking baby steps to see if how you were feeling was genuine or just some excuse to be near someone thanks to trauma of some kind. As you were brushing down your best, and stolen, outfit there was a knock at the door, three times to be precise as it’s the easier way to know who it is, you took one last look in the mirror before bolting down the stairs to greet Lilac who was wearing a lilac dress-shirt, plum coloured waistcoat with a dark purple blazer that had some lilac petals strewn about here and there adding some character to the outfit and black pants. He looked handsome. Though handsome didn’t quite fit as it was generic to call someone handsome and kinda boring since it was thrown so much that you decided to call him, “beautiful.” He smiled, eyes creasing lightly at the corners, “took the words right out of my mouth.” He said before presenting you his arm, “shall we?”

[soracities]

I have no idea where to put my thoughts at the moment, so I hope it's alright to lay them down here for a little while before I pick them up again.

I am,, nervous about starting things. More importantly, I am nervous on how much time I must wait before I get an answer--whether it be a response to my own confessions here, or the waiting time between me putting myself out there in the world and connecting to someone (if not for work, then for some sort of love). I worry endlessly that the amount of time that it takes represents the worth of my own self, and that the longer it takes to get an answer (if at all), the less value I hold.

It's not a very nice mindset to have, I know, but I suppose it's my own jitters that have taken hold of me, and the horrifying thought of waiting only to have rejection slammed back into my face. It makes me wonder how I can change this mindset, if I even can. Or, at the very least, somehow numb the fear that comes with waiting.

worth is not something that needs to be presented and pitched like a powerpoint; it's a given. it's inherent to the fact that you exist. you can absolutely change that mindset and work on building a healthier and more self-respectful relationship with your self, but it will require work, and patience, and care (most likely with the help of a good therapist) and you have to be willing to show up to that work and interrogate and confront what it is that makes you feel this way. if you do not have a solid and compassionate image of yourself in your mind, what you value, what is important to you, what you deserve etc., then you will always be at the mercy of others' responses, you will always infer conclusions about yourself and your value as a human being from how others react to you (or don't react to you), even when the nature of those reactions have absolutely nothing to do with you on a personal level at all.

i'm not about to spout that age-old and nonsensical rhetoric about how you can never gain love or acceptance from others until you love and accept yourself because i think it is hogwash. our image of ourselves is forged through the eyes of those who love us and care for us, and how they love us and care for us; it does not happen in a vacuum. but i think it is important to note that you cannot let these affirmations simply remain outside of yourself, or defer them to other people. i may constantly doubt the value of what i bring to my friends; i may often feel that i'm not enough and that they could easily find so many others who are kinder or funnier or more enjoyable company. but i also know that these are my friends and i love them; i love them for their kindness, their openness, their acceptance and their honesty. and if i reject the meaningful things they say about me, i am rejecting them; the things i admire and respect in them are also the things that mean they would not, and have no reason, to lie to me. i may not always believe these things, but i know that they believe them, and i have no right to decide that it isn't the truth because that isn't my place, and it's disrespectful to them and the autonomy they exercise in deciding for themselves who they want in their lives and why. they are choosing to give me this love and this care. and i can choose to let it in, and allow it to affect my life and try my best to live through its influence, or i can choose to turn away from it and insist on the image i have of myself (which is not objective, nor healthy, but may feel safer but in the long run will only hurt me more) at the expense of the image i could potentially be seeing if i allowed myself to trust them enough.

again, it is not that you will never find acceptance unless you accept yourself, but rather that, if you cannot accept and value yourself, you are more likely to tolerate treatment that you do not deserve, not necessarily just from other people but also from yourself. you may not allow yourself to accept or believe when other people tell you what you mean to them, even though there are zero terms and conditions for them caring about you. those terms and conditions are coming from you; you are imposing them on yourself and perhaps believing, because you already believe them so profoundly, that other people believe them too, and if they don't, then it will only be a matter of time. you have taken your own perceptions about yourself and turned them into an "objective" reality, and in doing so you potentially set yourself up to turning this into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

and i think this worry about rejection comes from the same place -- but rejection is not a value judgement. you can be rejected, either in a romantic context, or a work context, or a social and platonic context, and still be worthy of care and respect. it doesn't detract from your value as a person because it isn't a reflection of your value as a person; they are two completely different things. it's a reflection of the dynamics or others' perceptions or the relationship in question and what is, and what isn't, a good fit at this particular time. and in all honesty, most people are too wrapped up in their own worries or thoughts to be actively thinking about you in negative terms. when a potential romantic partner, or potential work placement doesn't see you as a good fit, they are, really, not thinking about you -- they're focused on their own desires and aspirations, and if they are not thinking of you personally, there is no reason for you to take it personally. if someone ghosts you or doesn't respond to you (as nerve-wracking as that silence can be) they are not doing so because they are furiously running up a laundry list of all the same flaws and problems you see in yourself; i assure you that they are far too occupied with others things and genuinely will not care. i don't mean this in a heartless way nor am i saying it to be callous -- i mean it, purely, objectively. i can send out a dozen applications to positions that never ring me back, and take profound comfort in the fact that they will hardly ever think of me again. in all likelihood my name will be forgotten in a week. and so there is no reason for me to infer any kind of conclusion about my worth from someone or something that literally does not know me.

again, i am not saying any of this to be cold, nor do i want you to take this as any kind of confirmation that, indeed, you do not matter as a person if you don't occur to employers or potential partners in the personal way you hope to occur to them. i'm saying that your value as a person is not what they are assessing, it is never what they are assessing or even considering here, and if that is not on the table, then please, please, please do not take it upon yourself to put it there. because that is not where it belongs.

i think more than anything here you should really take some time to try and access help or advice through some kind of professional so that they can guide you on how best to navigate and work through these feelings about your own worth and the anxiety you have regarding it. there is no reason whatsoever that you cannot change this thought process, but before you begin to do so you must acknowledge that it will take time and that it won't always be easy. you will fall back into old patterns, and some days may be harder than others but none of that is proof that your endeavours are hopeless or that this is too far gone a thing for you to change. the longer we hold a certain mindset, the deeper the grooves it draws in us and the more familiar it becomes -- in order for something healthier and more fulfilling to become just as familiar we have to actively walk that path and establish those same grooves, prioritising them over and over so that they can take us to where we want to go. you can work your way through this, anon. believe me, you can. x

[enamouredfae]

♡ Pick a Card ♡

Advice from your Spirit Guides!

This reading is for entertainment purposes only.

This is a timeless reading for the collective, therefore it is likely that some messages will not resonate with you. Please only take the messages that do! The messages that do not, are meant for somebody else. Remember that the future is never set in stone and that you possess free will! Love you! ♡

Pile 1

Charm: Shell

You may see shells as signs from the universe. You may have Venusian placements. You have a tough exterior, but once you finally open up to people you are a hidden gem! You are a person that values privacy.

Flower: Carnation

The meaning of carnation changes depending on its colour, since this one is a stripped purple carnation, it symbolizes rejection/refusal and capriciousness. It being a dry bud, for me at least, symbolizes that this is a small issue that isn't likely to grow! You might've been refused a caprice recently, or you may have too high expectations that are likely not going to be fulfilled.

Significator: Page of Cups

Self-sufficient is the word I thought of when I saw this card. I think that at the moment you are really starting to work through your emotions, you might be finally doing some introspection, journaling, talking to people, seeing a therapist, etc. You are beginning a journey of emotional growth. You might also be receiving a message soon, be aware of any symbols that matter to you or ask the universe for certain symbols for guidance.

Astro: Virgo and Capricorn

There is a high chance that you have Virgo or Capricorn placements. You may be earth dominant. You may be Mercury/Saturn dominant/ruled. This could also apply to the person you need advice on if that is the case.

I thought of soil when I saw these cards, not a plant, but very well-nourished soil. It seems like you are making a foundation for yourself that is not rooted in anyone else, it simply comes from you. You are the soil, the water, the nutrients, and your future self is the plant. Flower crowns may be significant to you as well, or you may find great healing by connecting with nature and connecting to nature's cycles.

What you need advice on:

VI of Wands and X of Pentacles (reversed)

There are a few possibilities I see here. You may be having a hard time getting your accomplishments noticed by others, you might not receive the praise you desire or feel you deserve. Another possibility is that you may have a hard time feeling successful due to your financial situation. You may have received a large sum of money that should make you happy, but it doesn't. You may be very well off financially, but it is causing some hardships, and others might not understand these hardships because they think that they'd be very happy in your position.

Advice:

King of Pentacles and XVIII. The Moon

I feel like at least one of you should monetize your intuition. Some of you have or will meet a person (very likely an earth placement), that is either a business partner or a lover/friend, that will somehow help you with your financial issue. They might recommend you to someone for example. Perhaps if you confide in the King of Pentacles, they'll help you immensely, they're someone you can rely on, if not financially, emotionally. Others should embody the King of Pentacles, be determined, stick to a routine. For others, someone could be hiding smth from you that would help you immensely with this issue. Listen to your intuition! Do not forget that your anxieties and fears are valid, and it is normal to be feeling like this! Your worth is not defined by your financial success!

38. Willow and 5. Cerato and Honeysuckle

Willow talks about self-responsibility: make a plan, stick to it and, most importantly, try to stop complaining. You have the strength to get through this, complaining just engrains it in your head that you have a problem making it harder to get out of that mindset, instead try working on the solution. Cerato talks about the fact that no matter how many people you ask, no matter how many books you read, your gut knows best! Trust yourself and your intuition. Whatever feels right, is! Just know that domestic happiness is very important right now, cherish whoever that may be (King of Pentacles perhaps), be it your cat or even yourself if you live alone, give and accept affection! This could be a message for a specific person but I feel called to note that as I was shuffling the oracles I started singing "Runaway" by Aurora. Perhaps the lyrics are meaningful to one of you, or it can reassure you that this pile is meant for you if this is your favorite song.

Pile 2

Charm: Cactus

You may see cacti as signs from the universe or have a very strong emotional attachment to them due to a certain memory. I feel like a lot of people are attracted to you, but they feel that you will reject or hurt them if they get too close. Or you consciously or subconsciously hurt people when they get too close. You might think you don't deserve love, which is NOT TRUE. Love isn't something that has to be deserved! But if it were, you most certainly deserve it!

Flower: Freesia

Yellow freesias symbolize joy, renewal, and friendship. It is the go-to flower to convey to someone that you trust them. You are incredibly trustworthy, someone to whom your loved ones come for advice. You are a great listener, are very delicate and tactful in your interactions with others.

Significator: IX. The Hermit

You are doing a lot of self-reflection right now, sometimes the pondering even turns into daydreams. You may also be connecting with and thinking about your spiritual/religious beliefs. You are looking to understand the light that illuminates your path. You may have started meditating, or you should start! Spiritual awakening is happening or coming soon! You could be isolating yourself at the moment as well.

Astro: Jupiter and Libra

There is a high chance that you have Libra or Sagittarius placements. You may be air dominant. You may be Jupiter/Venus dominant/ruled. This could also apply to the person you need advice on if that is the case.

The words that I kept thinking about at this point in the reading were "letting karma do its job" and "visions of the future". You may be clairvoyant! But most of you act a lot like the Justice tarot card, you like balance and fairness, and have a life philosophy based on these ideas. Your higher education might've played a big role in this.

What you need advice on:

II of Cups (reversed) and Queen of Swords

Someone may be rationalizing or overthinking a perceived imbalance in a relationship. Of course, the Queen of Swords, likely an air placement, is intelligent, they may be right in their thinking but because of the advice received, I believe their judgment is clouded by insecurity. They may feel unworthy of what they receive, seeing that you chose the cactus charm and have libra as an astro card, it is very likely that this is you but this may be your person as well, both options are possible.

Advice:

King of Cups and IV of Swords (reversed)

See, the King of Cups is upright, this person, very likely a water placement, is very emotionally mature, compassionate, and understanding. Whereas the swords person is exhausted and stagnant due to the deep contemplation happening. I feel they may also be insecure, causing the overthinking. If this is you, trust me, you deserve the King of Cups! If this is your person, make them realize that they deserve you! They need a lot of reassurance.

1. Agrimony and 7. Chestnut Bud and Morning Glory

Love, whether romantic or platonic, requires hard work, determination, and affection. Agrimony talks about a person that needs balance, both inside and outside. You may find it by showing more of yourself, especially by starting with your loved ones. Because you might not be used to it, start little by little, and observe how accepting those you love can be. Chestnut Bud talks about focus and learning from experience. For me, it's another confirmation that someone is overthinking, see the girl looking very melancholic, whereas their counterpart is goofing around. Don't take life too seriously! Have fun with your loved one!

Pile 3

Charm: Leaf

You might see certain trees or leaves as signs from the universe. When I picked up this charm I immediately thought "Leave!" So if you were thinking about a voyage, there's your sign, just be mindful of covid regulations, please. The idea of falling also popped up, so you might be falling for someone rn or feeling like you're in a perpetual fall emotionally.

Flower: Orchid

I would just like to point out that, although this orchid dried white, it was actually a baby purple orchid when alive. I will therefore explain both colors: purple orchids represent royalty, admiration, and respect, whereas white ones symbolize purity and innocence. But they are, no matter what color, always a symbol of luxury, delicate beauty, and virility.

Significator: 0. The Fool

You may be starting smth new with confidence, smth you haven't done before, making you a bit inexperienced, but still willing to take the leap of faith. OR you may be acting foolishly by looking back or the opposite way of the thing you'd do with confidence. Let me explain, as you can see the Astro cards are both looking in one direction, with determination, and confidence. Whereas The Fool is looking the opposite way. Your significator may be saying that you're being foolish to look the other way, wondering what-ifs.

Astro: Sagittarius and Mars

There is a high chance that you have Sagittarius, Aries, or Scorpio placements. You may be fire dominant. You may be Jupiter/Mars dominant/ruled. This could also apply to the person you need advice on if that is the case.

You have a clear goal that you can easily reach through your actions. Look at Mars' demeanor, he knows Sagittarius is hitting the target. Do not doubt yourself, there's nothing to worry about. Stay focused!

What you need advice on:

XI. Justice (reversed) and Queen of Cups

Clearly, there is a decision to be made here, and you really want to listen to your heart. And you're questioning whether you should? I just want to reassure you, the Queen of Cups is highly in tune with their intuition and their emotions, you should trust yourself.

Advice:

X of Swords (reversed) and II of Pentacles

You are clearly in pain, whether or not it is talking about this decision that is eating you up. Healing and recovery are important right now! It's time to stop resisting an inevitable end, and start recovering. Look, the reversal allows for the swords to just fall out of your back, just look inwards! Don't forget to balance work with fun, you deserve to relax! Another way to see this is that you are restricting yourself by seeing this as a choice, why not do both? Although, if we are talking about people here, there better be a mutual agreement on polygamy! I will not invite you to cheat! If we are talking about activities, you are capable of doing both if it's too hard to choose, you just need to figure out how to balance them. A specific message is that some of you want to go back to doing smth you've dreamt of doing as a child, if that is the case, pls do it, at least as a hobby!

13. Gorse and 32. Vine and Trumpet Gentian

There is a need to heal some inner wounds. I immediately thought of inner child work when I saw the Trumpet Gentian in combination with the Vine. Vine talks about acts of service and leadership skills, try parenting yourself/your inner child, give yourself the love that you may have lacked as a kid. You are worthy of it! Gorse is all about perspective and imagination. Do a brainstorming of possible outcomes depending on the decision you take, you can do this alone, but the input of loved ones that can be honest with you would do wonders. Don't forget your future can go in many different ways, and whichever decision you take is the right one!

Pile 4

Charm: Angel

You may see angels or angel numbers as signs from the universe. You are a person that is divinely guided and divinely protected. It seems to me like you have a very strong intuition or are very aware of your divine gifts.

Flower: Rose

Of course, roses are always symbolic of love. Therefore I believe it is more note-worthy here to talk about the size. This is a tiny rose. Just like the carnation bud, it did not have time to grow and is now immortalized in its youth stage. You may be inexperienced in love, or hold naive beliefs about it. You might be experiencing youthful romance right now.

Significator: XV. The Devil

What I find interesting here is that you got the angel charm with the devil significator. This is very conflicting energy. The sentence that I kept thinking throughout the reading is "wolf in sheep clothing" or "sheep in wolf's clothing", I kept mixing up the words, just very contradictory energy. The way you present yourself to the world is very different from how you truly are. You might also be a person prone to obsessing over people, things, interests, etc. I also would like to note here that this pile was the hardest to get the cards, the amount of shuffling I did here until the cards flew made me sweat hahaha. It's also a very confusing reading. Therefore, I believe you carry a lot of confusion yourself, although your intuition is incredibly powerful, you might suffer from being very paranoid, and sometimes being unable to differentiate your intuition from your delusions. I also think you're very secretive, you do not want people to know or understand you.

Astro: Neptune and Moon

There is a high chance that you have Pisces or Cancer placements. You may be water dominant. You may be Neptune/Moon dominant/ruled. You could have a Neptune/Moon aspect. This could also apply to the person you need advice on if that is the case.

"This is a time of great psychic sensitivity for you. Trust your intuition and follow its guidance." You should try to differentiate emotions from intuition, I know it's hard, but they are different things, and it's very important to tell them apart! Your dreams may hold messages, try having a dream journal and interpreting them if you don't do that already.

What you need advice on:

IX of Wands (reversed) and V of Swords (reversed)

As you can see ALL of the tarot cards I've received in this reading are reversed, implying inner conflicts that require inner change/work. You might've said/done smth you now regret, and you hate yourself for it, you may also be incredibly paranoid that others will find out. You want the paranoia to end. You want to make amends, to reconciliate/atone, but are unsure on whether you should do it. Perhaps you don't feel emotionally prepared to reopen that wound.

Advice:

V. The Hierophant (reversed) and VII of Wands (reversed)

What I noticed here is that The Hierophant mirrors The Devil, not as perfectly as The Lovers, but it is incredibly similar. Once again that energy of opposition, contradiction, and confusion appears, "the wolf in sheep's clothing". For some, my fixation on this phrase could be a warning. For others an invitation to look in the mirror... Try looking at the situation from the other person's point of view! I'm not saying you are a "wolf in sheep's clothing", but that might be how you're being perceived. You are exhausted, remorse is eating up all of your energy. The Hierophant is saying that you should stay true to your personal beliefs, so if you believe apologizing is necessary to move on, do it!

This could be unrelated and for a specific person, but don't be afraid of challenging the status quo! If it hurts none, do as you will, embody your true self! I just want to remind you that going against your loved one's idea of "normalcy" is not hurting them, it's loving yourself. But remember that you also don't owe anyone a "coming out", you are valid whether or not you tell people! Do whatever your heart tells you and please be safe!

!!! : Of course, this doesn't count if what's challenging the status quo doesn't respect others' identity/ sexuality/ ethnicity/ religion/ etc. If challenging the status quo comes from a place of hate please block me. Nobody is using this reading as a sign to do some fucked up shit.

3. Beech and 2. Aspen and Lily

When I saw Beech I immediately thought "talk to someone, or you could spiral." Beech talks about self-acceptance and self-compassion. You must first accept yourself as you are, an imperfect human being, like all humans, before starting to work on embodying your highest self. Stay open-minded! Aspen, on the other hand, invites you to connect with others, not only for advice or consoling but for quality time! I have a feeling that you have very high morals, but having them isn't enough, you must act accordingly!

Thank you for reading! Love you all.♡

You can buy me a coffee if you feel called to do so! This is never necessary, but always appreciated! ♡

[avissapiens]

Avis' Subject Symposium

A Crash Course in Trance Pt 1: Files.

(Art by Acro @sodalite96/https://twitter.com/sodalite96 Used with their permission. Go check them out!)

So often new subjects come to me and they don’t know the first thing about trance. None of its mechanics or methods, and so it can be very daunting for them; to step into such a wide abyss without knowing what to expect and what is expected of you. Many of them, even experienced subjects, expect that 100% of the work is and should be done by the Hypnotist. In truth both parties, the hypnotist and the subject, must be willing and able. But while it’s more readily apparent what must be done in order for a tist to be successful in their endeavors, many subjects/potential subjects can have a hard time understanding what it takes to get the most out of their trance, both from pre-recorded files, and from live sessions with a hypnotist. So, I’m here to give you what is in my opinion, the essential Crash Course to Trance, starting first with trancing to files.

Location

Find yourself somewhere nice, darkened and quiet, where you know you won’t be disturbed. This is already a hard task for a lot of subjects, living with other people always increases the chance that one might barge in on you, eyes glazed over, drooling all over yourself. Or that someone’s reckless pounding from above might shake the abyss so thoroughly that it takes you out of trance. But here is the thing I will stress. While physical quiet is a good idea as it allows you to focus on the words and suggestions streaming into your head. What matters so much more is internal peace and quiet. A location where you can feel at ease and safe and secure in yourself. A locked bedroom surrounded by mountains of pillows. Your favorite plush armchair that threatens to swallow you almost as well as the Abyss of Trance. The peaceful morning route on the train whose path you know so well that you can be lulled into trance just by the rumbling vibrations of the tracks beneath your seat. Wherever you can be comfortable.

The ideal location for trance I'm sure does exist in some government facility or therapists office somewhere, where you can be dropped into an isolation tank and be brainwashed clean. But most of us will never encounter that. So what matters then is the ideal mindset for trance, which is one of peace, safety, trust and assurance.

Equipment

This is one of the reasons so many love using files. Because its barrier to entry is so low. All you really need is something to play the file on and a place to listen. This is in contrast to working directly with a tist where you need, at the very least, A good internet connection, maybe a camera, Another person who you trust and who might be wildly inconsistent. Or working in person which probably will require a whole location and time-table to get set up. No, Files are relatively simple and they are no better or worse than live sessions for certain purposes. However, like all simple things, they can be elevated by improving its ingredients. A box cake from the store and a home-made chiffon are functionally the same, but their difference comes in the ingredients and technique.

So for trance I recommend spoiling yourself a little, at the very least buy yourself some decent quality over-ear headphones. Many file-makers (myself included) add frequencies and binaural beats underneath the main track. These serve the purpose of training your own brain’s waveforms to a certain frequency, thus more easily taking you into trance. But they can only be detected and properly registered with some good headphones. Additionally, The encapsulation of headphones provides a more immersive experience, isolating you and transporting you through the trance experience like you are in your own little world. Trust me. $600 studio headphones aren’t needed, But a good quality wired $40 headset goes a long way and is multi-purpose. A decent quality chair or mattress also will serve you well, not just in trance but in life.

Focus

Trance is a very tricky state that, like all things, requires practice and patience to master. Staying in trance is like a tightrope walk, teetering gently between the realm of consciousness and awareness, and the oblivion of total subconscious and sleep. It is the liminal space between the two, that subconscious space that makes trance and hypnosis possible. It is the state where your mind is most open to total suggestion and where magical things can happen. So how does one walk the line between these two modes of being? The answer is focus. Or rather Half-focus. Focusing without focusing. With descriptions like that it can sound like some kind of Zen riddle, but that is often what it feels like sometimes. Now this is not a laser focus like you would expect in a classroom setting, no one is being tested here. It's a more gentle and subtle focus. Like focusing on the world around you. Focusing on the wind on your face, the rise and fall of your lungs; On the way your body just goes loose and slumps over. The trick is to go in and to follow along, to listen and pay attention and try to comply with the suggestions given at first. Suspend your disbelief and engage with it unironically and without pretense. If you notice yourself drifting, don’t try to force it back to focus. Simply let it explore where it wants and to carry on organically. Nothing in trance needs to be forced. Simply focused on and allowed to happen.

Many subs oscillate in trance, their minds ebbing and flowing like a Sine wave; wavering in and out of trance, one minute aware, the next minute completely blank and asleep, and then for a brief moment in bliss. But it averages out to trance at the end of it. One must also not fear dropping out of trance. Focusing too much on that eventuality makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. Just Focus-not-focus-half-focus and enjoy yourself.

Apprehension

So many subjects look at files and their mind begins to spin with endless questions and anxieties. Worries about “losing themselves” or “changing too much” or “doing things they don’t want to do.” It’s a valid set of concerns for a new subject, uninitiated in the true mechanics of trance and only knowing of hypnosis what is shown in the media. Evil villains and monsters brainwashing our heroes to do horribly enticing and arousing things. So ingrained is this idea that it even crossed over into the allure of hypnosis files. And while I won’t say it's impossible for that to happen, I have 3 comments on it to ease your mind. First, with Files, one of the best things about it is that the subject gets to control practically every single aspect of the experience. When you do it, how many times you listen, and whether you listen at all to begin with. While all files should be clearly labelled with Content and trigger warnings and given an explicit summary of what they are and what they do, we know that is not the case. The amount of “Mystery files” I've seen on various forums irks me to no end. But it appeals to some people. However, for those who are not particularly fond of surprises you have the absolute power to review the file before you trance to it. You can give it a fully aware walk through, or just jump through segments to look for anything that doesn’t suit your taste.

Once you’ve done that however you might still be conflicted about some content. Not openly averse to it, but unsure. Dumbing down and IQ reduction are probably number one on this list. People are so terrified of somehow losing everything when they learn to stop overthinking things. For these concerns my second point suggests Introspection. Ask yourself “Why do I/Don’t I want this?” “Is it really as bad as my anxiety is making it out to be?” Because if you like something a lot, and really want it, then why should you deny yourself it out of fear? Even aside from dumbing, many desires are tinged with this air of guilt or fear. Terrified to acknowledge or grab hold of what we truly want and own up to it. In my estimation Hypnosis can be one of the best ways of dabbling with those desires because in trance there is no shame or judgement. Finally, my 3rd point says you don’t have to worry. If you really don’t like a suggestion you can always leave it behind. Your mind has built in fail-safes to reject suggestions you haven’t agreed to. A file cannot make you do something unless you want it, at least subconsciously. The old cliche goes “All Hypnosis is Self-Hypnosis” and what that fundamentally means is that as a subject you are the one who decides what happens. You consent and go along with things and allow them to happen to you. It is your desire, your focus, your arousal and your own subconscious that allows hypnosis to work. Subjects have more power than they know. I really hope it assists some people in vibing better with trance and files. I’ll be putting out another version for Live hypnotists later this month.

Thanks again to Acro for letting me use their Art, definitely go and support them on twitter. And If you want to support the creation of more hypnotic experiences that might help you practice that balance of focus then you can do so by subscribing to my Patreon, or to my Youtube channel. And if you want to interact more closely with me and my supportive community you can join my Discord server.

[seafoamreadings]

week of december 12th, 2021

aries: it's a very aries week indeed as your chart ruler mars enters fellow fire sign sagittarius and then promptly conjoins the south node. it's energizing and overall supportive but a blast from the past will force you to re-evaluate the road you are taking into the future. walk your path deliberately.

taurus: mercury moves into capricorn early this week, where your ruler venus is already in rendezvous with pluto. it's supportive to you, especially if you involve yourself in studious new pursuits.

gemini: mars joins the sagittarius season entourage in your seventh house of relationships this week. whether or not he takes on his old school "malefic" form will have much to do with how you've been handling things.

cancerians: mercury joins what is now a little stellium in your relationships house, although still far from the actions of venus and pluto. for this brief period your communications with a partner are particularly clear and incisive.

leo: mars into sagittarius gives you just a little more joie de vivre if you've been needing it. all you have to do is claim it by getting out there and actively appreciating the loveliness of things in any way you can.

virgo: focus on your bones this week. are they strong? can you strengthen them? what wisdom can they impart to you? similarly, do any form of ancestor work you can manage at this time.

libra: yet a little more chiron action occurs this week. talking things out has its place but if you must talk about your relationship issues avoid actual complaints for a while, or discuss them with someone neutral, like ideally a therapist. friends or relatives who are invested in an operatic plot don't count.

scorpio: reach out to neighbors, siblings, or nearby friends this week. they may be going through something you can help with or even if not, they'll likely really appreciate hearing from you at this time.

sagittarius: mars enters your sign and mercury leaves it. as i'm sure you've noticed, you're in a state of continual flux these days. as they say, the only thing that stays the same is that things change. it suits you though. take actions this week to bring about change. ie, don't just sit and think about it or else things will be changed for you, without your input.

capricorn: mercury enters your sign and then squares chiron. this can prompt sore spots or necessary arguments ("discussions") to pop up between you and members of your household or your family of origin. let such difficulties be healing. use the past without dwelling in it.

aquarius: if you had any kind of lull in social activities lately it begins to dissipate with the advent of mars in fiery sagittarius. yet this is also a time of soul work for you. other people can be your spiritual mirror, reflections and holograms of your self and your shadows.

pisces: this week the universe would like for you to focus on eliminating your subconscious beliefs around a mindset or fear of scarcity. find all the ways your life is actually overflowing with abundance - even if you are missing some things in some ways. don't you have things others don't have? aren't you fortunate, at least partially, at least sometimes?

[comfy-whumpee]

Birdhouse: The Talks

Whumptober Day Two: Talking is Overrated. TW: dehumanisation, slavery, BBU, bad decisions in therapy.

@neuro-whump, @rosesareviolentlyread, @whumper-in-training, @mylifeisonthebookshelf

The new rescue was called Roman. Not by himself, but by whoever had taken the initiative to name their brand-new captive. He hadn’t yet told her who had give it to him, but he had assured her that he was still happy to be known by the name.

Sunita Kaur had been providing therapy to his those like him for years now, in varying capacities, and he was the newest addition to her caseload. She spent the Wednesday of her working week privately commissioned to support the residents of the Birdhouse Shelter, and with the fee its proprietor paid her, she was able to do the rest of her work completely pro bono. That was the way Avis Jacobitz worked. She paid you what she thought you were worth to her household.

Each new rescue came with new strengths and new challenges. Roman had escaped himself, which often gave them a head start, but not always. He was also in good physical condition, which made sense; the Birdhouse specialised in complex emotional needs more than physical ones. Not that any ex-pet came without their chronic pains and weak immune systems. Roman was prone to dizzy spells and took iron tablets daily.

He was sitting on the comfortable chair with his hands resting on his knees and his back straight. To be sitting on the chair in his first session was another strength. But then, not all ex-pets had been banned from furniture.

“My name is Sunita Kaur. I’m a trained practitioner of counselling for pet industry survivors.”

She didn’t miss the way Roman’s lips moved faintly to echo that term. Pet industry survivor. It was difficult to talk about those labels without reinforcing them, but she had settled on one eventually.

“That’s you, Roman. A survivor of the American organisations that attempt to brainwash and remake people.”

There was no sense of recognition in Roman’s eyes as he thought about that. He didn’t reply.

Sunita gave him a moment to think, and then offered, “How do you feel about that description?”

It’s several seconds, unmarked in their passing, before Roman ventures, “I like being called a rescue.”

“Can you tell me why?” Sunita asks, keeping all reaction clear from her expression. If she so much as twitches a nostril, an ex-pet will pick up on it.

Roman glances down shyly, smiling. “Because I was. There was a new cleaner and she called someone to help me, and now I’m here. I like thinking about her.”

Every word was delivered in the faintest whisper. Sunita was straining her ears.

“Why do you like thinking about her?”

His hands sit perfectly still on his unmoving knees. Only his expression changes. “Because she was nice. And she helped me even though she was a stranger, and I like knowing – strangers can help you.”

Sometimes she wondered at the ability of her patients to love people who had been cruel to them. Sometimes, it wasn’t even that. Sometimes, ex-pets loved people in general, through some innate hope and fortitude all their suffering had failed to tarnish.

She was going to enjoy working with Roman.

-

Florence never made eye contact. Their gaze drifted around her face and off again. They sat in the comfortable chair, leaning slightly against its side, long hair tumbling off one shoulder and an arm stretched out to show the curving line of their body in what had to be an uncomfortable position. They looked like an art piece. They played with their skirt. Sunita was used to this. Florence liked textures.

“I don’t mind,” they said. “Avis has lots of people to care for.”

Sunita nodded. It was something that Florence was already dealing with. Avis split her time with equity as her guiding principle, offering the right amount of support to everyone who needed it. Florence was used to their time with Avis waxing and waning depending on the needs of the others in the house.

‘To each according to their need’ was a powerful concept, unless one of your rescues was always desperate for attention.

Sunita hummed in acknowledgement. “So how do you feel about Roman getting lots of help?” They were the one who had brought it up, after all. There was something there.

Florence ran fingers up and down their silky turquoise skirt. Their gaze flittered across the window. “He’s funny. He acts different.”

“Different how?”

There were no birds in the sky, but Florence’s eyes moved as if there were. “He doesn’t have anyone he loves.”

-

“Of course I love them.” Kamala lifted her chin, hands folded on her lap, the picture of dignified confidence. The neat edge of her hijab was broken only by the lightning-bolt pin she had used on one side. She sat on the very edge of the chair. “The Birdhouse is like my family. We look after each other. That’s not particular to Florence. They just like spending time with me.”

Sunita nodded, showing that she was listening, but didn’t interrupt, hoping Kamala would keep going.

“It’s not wrong to give more time to someone who asks for it,” Kamala continued after a moment, smiling earnestly. “Florence is used to being the centre of attention. It makes them happy. And it makes me happy to help them.”

“We’ve touched on this before, Kamala. You derive a lot of happiness and fulfilment from what services you can offer others, how you can fill their needs. I think you know what I’d like you to think about.”

“My needs,” Kamala answered with a pretty smile. “I understand, Mrs Kaur. I took more time to myself this week, although it was hard. I reread some of the comics I got when I first came here, in my bedroom. I haven’t done that in a while.”

She spoke with perfectly believable sincerity, underlined with a hint of eager-to-please nervousness, of am I doing it right?

“That sounds positive, Kamala. How did that feel, to be spending time on yourself?”

“It’s hard, Mrs Kaur. I don’t like myself very much. But I know it’s what will help me in the long term, so I do my best. If you practice self-care, it will become second nature.”

Sunita was sure she had said those exact words to her before. “That is the goal.”

-

Tenten’s twitch was worse today, jerking his shoulder and running down his arm as he spoke. He didn’t make eye contact, but not in the way that Florence didn’t, always busy looking elsewhere. Tenten kept his eyes averted. His limbs were drawn close together, arms on his knees, as if he was unsure how to sit on something soft.

“I don’t, I don’t want-t t-to, to-to make anyone ss-sad. But I did, m-made her, upset-t, I t-t-t, t-t, I c-c-could see. She was.”

“That’s alright, Tenten. Take your time.” She kept her voice soft and soothing. “I’m not going to think any different of you. I will still be your therapist.”

Tenten made an uncertain noise, his shoulder jumping like a livewire. His foot tapped. “You, but you’re her c-c-counsellor too. I don’t want-t, I might, if I say somet-thing she didn’t want you t-to, to know.”

“I understand your concern. Remember, this is confidential. I will never use what you tell me in my sessions with the others.” She smiled kindly as his eyes flickered to her and away shyly. “But do remember that I talk to Avis before I start sessions, to make sure I’m aware of anything significant. I may already know about the conflict you’re thinking of.”

Tenten’s shoulders hunched, “C-c-con, conflict, huh?” he echoed. “What do you th-think it is?”

She made sure to smile gently. “I’d like you to tell me what happened in your own words.”

He swallowed, his throat bobbing under the maroon neckerchief he always wore. He took a breath. “Okay.”

-

“We’ve been here for forty minutes, Avis, and you still haven’t said a word about yourself.”

Avis leaned back in the armchair, frowning at the wall. “I know,” she admitted. “I know we always end up here. I start talking and it’s about how Roman’s settling in, or Florence’s new night terror, or Kamala and Tenten getting into another argument, or… Boo. Everything about Boo and their – situation. It’s just, I spend my whole life looking after those guys. Even when they’re doing something else, like Therapy Day or tutoring, there’s five of them now, so there’s always something.”

Dr Cerasale showed nothing but patient understanding. It was true, that this often formed the bulk of the sessions he held with Avis. It had been improving for a while, before she’d accepted the new rescue.

“And I know, I find fulfilment in my work, that’s not a bad thing, and some people live with different professional-personal balances. And for my kind of job, there’s not much distance between them. But…”

She stopped, still frowning at the wall.

“What is the downside of that?” he prompted her.

Dark eyes flashed his way. “Do you mean me not having any time to myself, or me seeing my son in every single one of them?”

All patients had their challenges. Avis had a unique living situation and a very unusual career path, but the underlying causes of her mindset were very normal.

“Let’s talk about guilt,” he said, and she broke eye contact.

[kiingocreative]

The Structure of Story is now available! Check it out on Amazon, via the link in our bio, or at https://kiingo.co/book

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I recently discovered the work of couples therapist Esther Perel, and I’ve been fascinated by her work on erotic intelligence. In her book Mating in Captivity, she proposes that what kills desire and eroticism within a couple is proximity and familiarity. From there, she argues, it goes that instilling a dimension of distance and mystery in a relationship is the best way to reignite the flame of desire. By doing so, we learn to look at our partner in a different light, we discover new sides of them and all that unknown sparks attraction again.

This got me thinking…

I’ve been working on my second novel, The Dhawan Brothers, for a little over a year now, and it feels to me that my relationship to my manuscript has evolved over that time. From intrigue and mystique working on the initial drafts, to excitement and enthusiasm polishing and editing later versions to, slowly but surely, a sort of ‘been there, done that’ attitude that makes me prone to procrastination. I’m at a stage now where little in the story will change, or at least not dramatically. I know the characters and the plot, and I love them dearly,but they just don’t make me feel those same stomach flutters I had in the beginning.

And so I wonder…

Could our relationship with our writing be affected by proximity and familiarity the way desire is in our human relationships? Is it that, the moment we get too close, when we know everything there is to know about the other entity, it loses some of its appeal?

If that’s the case, is the key to making sure we remain excited about our writing diligentlycreating distance from it every once and a while?

To Take a Break or Not to Take a Break?

In a highly unofficial poll I ran in my Instagram storiesrecently, I asked the writing community about their experience. 94% of respondents said that, in general, they find it useful to take a break from their WIP. Whether it’s because ‘sometimes you just have to recharge’, because it’s ‘like refreshing your mind to be able to focus better’ when you get back to it, or because it ‘helps your brain work out problems behind the scenes’, writers seem to think a little distance goes a long way.

I was intrigued by the manyresponses that indicated taking some time off their WIP gives writers a chance to get back to it ‘with fresh eyes’. By stepping away from our work, we gain the perspective needed to look at it again from a different angle or through a different lens. That time and space away from our manuscript spark new ways of looking at our stories that we might have been too close to see before. We meet it again under different circumstances and in a different mindset, and it helps us rediscover it entirely. This, in turns peaksour interest and eagerness again.

Too Close for Comfort

But then… Isn’t that exactly what Perel’s theory is? That proximity and familiarity lessen desire in a relationship, whilst distance, mystery and fresh perspectives reignite it? When it comes to a writer’s relationship with their work, it feels to me like an interesting similarity.

In that same unofficial Instagram poll, when asked if there tends to be a stage at which they lose interest in their WIP or find themselves procrastinating, 75% of respondents said that’s indeed the case. The additional answers people gave as to when that happens were incredibly varied, for instance:

‘It depends if the passion for the project stays strong’

‘During the first draft’

‘In the middle’

‘In the editing process probably around the fifth or sixth draft’

‘This happens a lot because of self doubt. I struggle with it in all my life’

‘When things are not going the way I want them to’

‘There’s no particular stage, it just ebbs and flows. But I always come back to it’

‘It depends on the book’

There were as many distinctive responses as there were respondents. When I think of my own experience, I find my interest in my own work flaking right about the time the manuscript is polished. That moment where what’s mostly left to fix are stray typos and minor details, but the core of the story is there to stay. That’s the stage where there’s nothing in the writing process that’ll take me by surprise.

When I think of it, that’s exactly how I view and react to everything,in my relationships and in life in general. I like variety, and excitement, and adventure. The moment I get too familiar with anything, my attention starts to stray, until and unless I can find a way to make that situation or relationship appealing again.

Writing as a Relationship… With Ourselves?

I tend to believe that what we write says a lot about who we are as writers. I’m now also tempted to think that how we write says almost as much about us.

What if our relationship to our writing revealed what turns us on as people? And what tells us more about a person than their inner desires?

Yes, there seems to be a trend amongst the people I’ve heard from, in that most writers find distance from their work to be beneficial, and a large portion see their levels of interest in their WIP dwindle at some point or other. When and how and why, however, varies.

If there are as many ways for it to manifest as there are writers out there, I wonder if this becomes less about a relationship with our craft as it is about ourrelationship with our inner selves. A situation where observing how we treat our writing is like holding a mirror back at ourselves, reflecting our approach to any other of our relationships — and life — in general?

Know Thyself

In her book, Perel explains that exploring and understanding your own underlying desires sheds a great deal of light on how you’ll show up in your relationships, what will make you do the things you do, and what might cause you to stray. That sometimes your actions say less about the other person, or the situation, than they do about which of your buttons are getting pushed.

I think looking at how we deal with our writing follows the same logic.

So, if you’re like me, someone who craves new experiences and mystery and excitement, you may find yourself bored when things stabilise and all that’s left is maintenance and housekeeping. On the other hand, if you’re someone who thrives on stability and certainty, you may find the first draft excruciating, but the later stages more enjoyable.

And Then What?

What does that even matter, you might say? Just like any relationship, writing’s a journey and there are bound to be ups and downs we all need to navigate. Right?

Right. But I’d argue knowledge is power. Knowing how desire works, in any form of relationship — with others, with writing, with yourself — helps you understand that, not only there will be ups and downs, but also what specifically triggers your own ups and your own downs, and why. And that, in turn, can greatly help you smooth out those otherwise dizzying curves. If you know your buttons, you don’t have to let them control you. You can take charge.

The writing journey can be fraught with surprises and pitfalls, and every little helps. Understanding how your approach to your writing reflects your own inner tendencies can help you predict when an up or a down isabout to start. With some introspection, you can better prepare for these, capitalise on the highs and give yourself some kindness on — or even minimise — the lows.

If it can help make the journey that little bit easier, isn’t it worth a try?

[criminalmutantsins]

My Version of the Hamato Family

Hi everyone! Thank you for reading and liking part one. It made my day!

So, this is where I shine in writing. I love creating characters and their backstory; it’s so fun. I think it is more important to focus on characters than the plot since a character can create the storyline- well at least for me.

I’m excited to share! Hope you enjoy!

Comment your thoughts! It would be cool to read them! 😁

……………………..

 Leonardo:

We’re starting with the usual leader-in-blue!

Although I adore Leo, his “perfect” personality can get a little boring. His versions usually have flaws, though they are the kind that makes you sympathize with him rather than feeling indifferent like with Raph’s anger issues.

Season 1 Leo would be a toned-down Rise Leo. He can be cocky when he succeeds over his brothers and would jokingly comment how he is Splinter’s favorite. However, it doesn’t come without hard work. Leo trains the most out of his brothers and spends most of his time studying fighting techniques. He is not naturally talented in ninjitsu like the past incarnations. Also, Leo’s motivations for training very hard and wanting to be leader is more for himself than anything.

Compared to his brothers, Leo was relatively average. Donnie was extremely smart, Mikey had his kind and joyful soul, and Raph was naturally a great fighter. Leo felt left out and decided that training to be a hero would be his way of standing out. He also believed that being special like his brothers was the only way to get Splinter’s attention; and it kind of worked. With all the progress Leo made, Splinter praised him, and they had a way to connect.

Around the beginning of S1(maybe ep. 5), Leo became the leader though how was different. Instead of Splinter deciding, the brothers did; the explanation was the turtles were a team and should make a consensus as one. This news made Leo ecstatic; he was finally living his dreams. Even so, he didn’t realize the baggage and responsibility a leader had to shoulder. Over the course of the story Leo grows as a great leader and fighter.

The Karai/Leo subplot will follow the 2003 version. He is convinced that Karai is a good person and tries to have her switch sides. There will be romantic feelings but its not the main motivation for both of their actions. I can’t say too much since this plot revolves around Karai more.

   Donatello:

Donnie is a blend of 2003/12 versions. He is intelligent with an extremely high IQ and was a gifted child. However, his intelligence came with a cost; making connections with his brothers and father was really tough for him because of their different interests. This left him withdrawing from everyone and focusing on his inventions. His social skills evolve once the turtles visit the city and meet April. The increasing danger of the Kraang further builds his relationships since communication is important in teamwork, and Donnie’s talent in inventing grew more in the spotlight.

Because of her fascination with Donnie’s smarts and inventions, April and Donnie become good friends as the story continues. Donnie also gets close with April’s best friend, Irma since they are science lovers. At first, Casey irritates him as they have clearly different personality; Casey’s impulsive and extroverted attitude conflicting with Donnie’s plan-based mindset.

Donnie’s love for his family is showcased after witnessing a terrifying, apocalyptic future where his family suffers. Paranoia sets in. His work to calculate the cause of this terrible, and its solution leads Donnie to rarely take care of his needs. He has to learn to trust in others instead of doing things alone.

 Raphael:

Unlike Leo, Raph is instantly gifted in fighting. He has more physical strength than his brothers and would constantly beat them in practice. Since childhood, Raph was Splinter’s “favorite” in the dojo and that definitely got into the red-banded turtle’s head. He would brag to his brothers and jokingly poke fun at their techniques. It wouldn’t affect anyone. Except for Leo.

Raphael’s ego started taking hits once Leo caught up to him and beating him in practice once in a while. It turned into anger after noticing Master Splinter praising Leo more. The tension soured their brotherhood. Unlike most versions, Raph’s anger is fueled by insecurity. He believes that fighting is the only thing he is good at and will get territorial if his spotlight is threatened.

Throughout the story, he learns to move on from his demons and realize his worth.

Family is important to Raph. He can be hard on his brothers yet will do anything to keep them safe, especially Mikey- his positivity must be protected. Casey and Raph become best friends for their similarities and love for fighting- they are impulsive bros.

 Michelangelo:

Mikey’s role is to be the positive and glue of the team. He loves to make people happy and would always do something goofy or kind to do that. His family have nothing bad to say about their youngest member and are very protective of him. The youngest brother doesn’t take ninjitsu as seriously as skateboarding, dancing, or just general fun. Though, he will be serious when the situation calls for it, such as the fate of his family and the world.

Although being an open ear to anyone, Mikey is not open to expressing his negative emotions due to his fear of damaging the family dynamic. It is noticeable when he is upset because he jokes more often and not focus. A lesson he must learn is to accept the good and the bad. Mikey can be reckless, mostly when his brothers rarely let him participate in missions. He wants to prove to his family that he is strong enough to protect himself and others. Reading people is his best skill and takes great pride in it, usually taking on the role of a therapist.

 Splinter/Hamato Yoshi:

I really wanted to take Splinter’s role in the Shredder’s descent to evil in the grayer area. He is usually the victim/innocent party of the story, which can get boring after a while.

Hamato Yoshi was born as the heir to Hamato Clan and childhood best friend of Oroku Saki. The Hamato and Foot clan were allies for centuries and would usually fight by each other’s side. Matters changed when the Foot’s beliefs grew more sinister. This left the Hamato Clan to eradicate their former ally. Splinter saved Saki before he could be killed, though, it came with consequences. Oroku Saki vowed to exact revenge for his fallen home. Growing up, Splinter became one of the strongest martial artists in Japan and married a woman named Tang Shen, later becoming a father to a girl. His world ended once he saw his clan destroyed and his family killed by the renewed Foot Clan.

Yoshi decided to move to New York and forget his old life. Years later, the martial artist noticed strange people caging defenseless animals. He would fight them long enough to protect four humanoid turtles, deciding to keep them after a moment of compassion. Splinter would continuously fight the strange men until a strange liquid turned him into a rat. This turning point banished Splinter and the turtles to the sewers for protection.

Splinter equally loves his sons. He would always make sure to give them equal amounts of love to avoid lasting issues. Though, he has made some mistakes. Emotions were rarely discussed because of Splinter’s unintentionally withdrawn attitude. The rat master wouldn’t instantly notice problems between his sons, and usually didn’t know how to resolve them. No matter what, Splinter is proud of his children and would do anything to keep them safe; sometimes not realizing that it could hurt them.

Hamato Yoshi’s guilt and trauma over the terrible moments in his life would be the main focus of his development.