#like I genuinely mean it when I say I haven't dated anyone ever because I thought men were my only option

[freckledsweetpea]

idk maybe I am a lesbian. who knows? not me. men are very hot and are good to look at but I wouldn't date one.

[pseudophan]

some post wad weekend thoughts...

i just wrote all this on the plane and haven't read it through so apologies for any mistakes

first of all, this weekend was incredible. i usually just kinda sit at home doing not much of anything, and this was a much needed break to actually have some fun. london in general always lifts my spirits but i suppose that danisnotonfire guy contributed a little as well.

guys i think i've met more people the past few days than i otherwise have in years. like. holy shit. i started listing people but i'm petrified i'll forget someone so i chickened out, sorry about that. but you all know who you are. i've met friends i've had for years, people i used to know but haven't spoken to in what feels like a decade, newer friends, and a frankly baffling amount of people i didn't know yet but who told me they've followed me for ages. like holy fuck you guys lmao what the hell??? and i mean did the reaction ever get old no of course it didn't. bad for my ego i'm sure but totally worth it. there's something very amusing and incredibly surreal about being chronically lame in most aspects of life and then suddenly finding yourself in an environment where you're kinda cool???? SO fucking fun oh my god, but also i do kinda feel like i've tricked you all? but hey i'll happily let you keep believing i'm cool, that is more than fine with me.

most importantly though everyone was SO lovely. like i said i don't think i've spoken to this many people in such a short amount of time in years and every single person i talked to was awesome. guys did you know phannies are kind of great... don't tell anyone but, lowkey... everyone is so funny and cool and absolutely insane but in a good way (shoutout everyone left at the gates until the very end, we should probably get some help).

and then lastly of course, mr howell himself. i talk about this a lot i feel like but fuck me that man was born to perform. whether you think he's actually funny or not, nobody can argue he doesn't absolutely thrive on a stage. he plays off the audience so well and he's so very obviously having the time of his fucking life. i'd already seen the show twice before this, and i didn't think anything would top the previous london show but man... the first night he came back out after the show having clearly been tearing up backstage, apologising for being an inconsistent absent parent, and i can't lie the "i had daddy issues and THEN i subscribed to dan howell" got me cause yeah no literally dude, you nailed it, exactly, well done. i think something about doing this show again, his magnum opus as he considers it, now after the dapg return was very special to him. he seems genuinely surprised that so many of us were ready to just jump back in like nothing happened, i don't think he was expecting so many people to still be waiting and it's... man. he comes off so grateful for us all and it's so fucking sweet. and then on the last night, i think that was my favourite, when the show ended and he got the standing ovation and people throwing him flowers.. he was so HAPPY. and clearly overwhelmed with emotion which, i gotta say, there is something honestly kinda funny about daniel howell standing in front of you trying not to cry. like no by all means dude go ahead, please, you've made me cry an endless amount of times it's only fair.

ugh. i'm proud of him or whatever. dick. and i'm proud of our ridiculous fucking community. i'm not sure what 14 year old nora would say if you'd told me i'd still be kicking it in the phandom a decade on, but at almost 25 (fml) i'm so so happy to be here still. you know, we get a bad rep, but i genuinely think as far as fanbases go we're pretty solid. and i love you all so much.

i believe i will have to rob a bank or something because the next time dan and/or phil do a tour i think i'll have to just show up at every date like i'm sorry but this was too good of a high we need to do it again immediately

anyway. back to work 💪

(by which i mean giffing dan and phil. i am still very much unemployed. fr though i'm two whole videos behind this has never happened i feel weird. who am i)

[padfootswhiskers]

With all respect, I think u guys give jkr's writing skill too much credit . Ik she said she planned everything abt hp books from the beginning( I don't believeit tbh), but she wrote some of the weirdest dumb stuff ever for the sake of the plot that don't make any sense ... Remus's life and even his name, for example.The fact that Remus hasn't visited Harry for almost 12yrs is ridiculous . "He thought Harry was safe - he felt worthless. He was a coward. " wtf?! No he didn't do it bc Harry shouldn't know abt his parents and wizarding world the End. srslyWheree were lily's friends? Oh they all passed away...Harry's grandparents THEY ALL PASSED AWAY ...problem solved (jkr is so good at this) and plus imo that also happened simply bc if Remus checked on Harry, he would be a father figure to him 100% (the role given to Sirius), and jkr didn't want Harry to have the same close connection with Remus as he did with Sirius. It would make harry -Sirius's relationship unimportant... Take Sirius's other relationships, for example. When he escaped Azkaban, he had no family, no lover, no one. Initially, I was like, "Yeah, okay," and that seemed fine. But later, it occurred to me that maybe he was written that way because he had to be solely for Harry. Like, he shouldn't care about anyone but Harry. Sirius isn't allowed to prioritize anyone over his godson.

to be fair, anon, i think two things can be true at the same time. a lot of stuff does happen in the hp universe for plot reasons---this doesn't necessarily mean it's always bad writing.

the plot required harry to be unaware of the wizarding world, alright. i don't see how this means remus would've taken, like, custody of harry or something if it hadn't! remus IS a coward. he IS extremely self flagellating. it IS completely plausible that he knew petunia wasn't a great person and left harry there anyway!

(take DH for example. he says tonks will be safe with her parents right after he tells them that her parents have been tortured for information. he isn't a stupid man, he's being deliberately cowardly.)

i understand that you probably really like remus, or at least the good bits of him, but character traits you dislike do not equal bad writing. remus consistently shows himself to be extremely passive-aggressive, conflict avoidant and unable to actually follow through on his conscience. i don't know about you, anon, but i can definitely see a man who convinced himself that withholding information about a wanted murderer was OK, convincing himself that harry is safe and better off without him.

jkr didn't have to use plot reasons to thwart remus and harry's budding relationship so that sirius could step in because...there isn't a scenario that exists wherein canon remus would step in to be an orphaned harry's father figure. i'm genuinely curious as to why you think he might. THAT, if anything, is what seems ooc to me.

as for lily, that seems to be pattern with jkr's 'popular girls'. i can't name five of ginny's friends if my life depended on it. it was also obviously done so that the snape reveal would have a greater effect. but lily isn't an established character the same way remus is.

as for sirius? i don't think it's unrealistic that he didn't have a lover/anyone waiting for him. i think people tend to forget he was only barely 22 when he got locked up; plenty of people haven't begun sorting out their lives at that age. lest we forget, he was also fighting a war pretty much the second he left hogwarts. not great for the dating scene, that. i don't think it's unrealistic at all that he hadn't thought about girls (or boys) or settling down at that time in his life.

but even if he had, i can't fathom a world in which he wouldn't transfer the love and devotion he had for james to james' son.

[theguardianace]

Can I politely ask you to elaborate on the Aroace Nene fic you talked about some time ago? Or just simply how you see her in your brain after finding out she's aroace? If it's not much to ask, of course

OMG YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! absolutely. i will ramble about aroace literally anybody on the drop of a dime this is one of the best anons to get actually

nene's story is actually the one i have the least about, to be perfectly honest. i have a plot for both emu and tsukasa's stories, but haven't quite figured out one for nene. honestly, i think nene's the type of aroace to not really... care about it that much. she'd never cared about love or romance to begin with, so when she realized it was because she was aroace, it was mostly like "hm. cool. im gonna go play animal crossing now".

as for finding out... i think it would have happened in middle school, back when she was Online Gamer Nene TM full time. with how much she loves games and storytelling, it really only makes sense she'd want to engage with fandom content like fics. however, just... seeing the way people sexualize her favorite characters, or only write/draw shipping content... she didn't care for it. she didn't want to engage with that. not that there was anything wrong with it! people can do whatever they want with fictional game characters. she just. didnt care about it herself. which led to her feeling even more isolated even within her favorite hobbies. i think this would sort of lead her to playing a variety of games so she doesn't have to worry about getting absorbed in fandoms she doesn't care to be a part of. she still checks, every once in a while. for games that she really likes. i think its through this that she eventually stumbles across a popular aroace headcannon, goes "what", googles it, and is like "wow. thats me. sick". and then moves on

but like. even when she's moved on. it's still really nice to know, yknow? it explains why she felt like the odd one out not wanting to ship stuff, or even care to entertain it. there's people out there just like her. it makes her less anxious, a little more sure of herself.

she doesn't ever tell anyone. not even rui. (i mean, they hadn't talked in ages. how is she supposed to? "hi, we havent had a genuine conversation in years, how are you? by the way i discovered im aroace and you probably don't know what that means and honestly i dont really care about it myself. have a good day".) (and once they do start talking again, it just... never came up. she never felt the need to, and he never felt the need to ask.) until my epilouge chapter where they all end up coming out like WHAT WERE ALL AROACE THATS SO SILLY anyways

in casual life, i think nene would have been the type for adults to go "oooh, you have a crush on him, don't you? look at you, all red and shy just thinking about him" when shes simply Just Like That. it was really annoying. she knew she didn't like them like that and that was that. but shes too scared to say that so she just took it. definitely didn't help the "nene needs to learn how to make friends" department. honestly, her only relief from it was with rui- both her parents and the kamishiro parents recognized that the two really did care about each other, but it wasn't like that. also no way in hell they're ruining the one friendship their kids have.

later with emu, i don't think there was any point where people even considered a romance, at least not at first glance. it wasn't like people at school even knew about emu (minus when she snuck in, but why would this hyperactive pink thing be looking for that shy second year?). and people walking the streets didn't really assume they liked each other like that since they were two girls. nene's mom was a little curious if they were dating since emu comes over so often and is so physically affectionate, but she never really pressed. she was mostly just happy nene has friends over that aren't just rui. (also, emu's aroace too, so nothing in her demeanor even made nene consider it could have been romantic. shes just Emu.)

for tsukasa, it's a similar thing. by the time people have realized the two are friends, nene's confident in herself and her feelings enough to shut down the people who would even dare assume she likes a buffoon like that star in that way. there's those people that go "oh but you're mean to him and girls are mean to boys when they have a crush on them" but she's tough enough to go "ew" and move on. (she did complain about it a little to rui on a walk home once. if he ended up in her classroom the next day to "grab her for lunch" and weaponize his dangerous reputation to intimidate them when she wasn't looking, it was sheer coincidence.)

also, i think out of the four, nene falls most on the loveless scale. tsukasa, emu, and rui are all beings made of love despite the fact they don't fall in it. nene's a bit different. she cares about her friends, and she's super good at making them (despite what she thinks), but she doesn't really... love them. not in the ways people usually want to describe love. she would kill a man for them in a heartbeat, don't get me wrong. she just experiences those sorts of feelings differently. it's care, and determination, and hope, and happiness, but not... love. not completely.

anyways aroace gamer nene so real fic will happen once i figure out how to tie these ideas to a plot 👍

[lexithwrites]

Hi :) 80 + wolfstar

hi izzy!!

prompts

80. “How can you think I’m anything but hopelessly in love with you?”

slight TW for this one, just Sirius having negative thoughts about himself but just in case anyone is upset by that the warning is here!

—————————— ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ——————————

"I love you."

Sirius stared at him, eyes darting across his face to try and read any ounce of humour or deceit, but there was nothing there. Remus was being genuine, but how? How could he love him?

It was Sirius.

"You've had too much to drink, Moons." Sirius snorted, shaking hands moving to grab his wine glass and fill it up. Slightly contradictory, since Sirius had drank most of the wine that night. Maybe that's what it was; he was drunk and he misheard him.

"No, I haven't," Remus was frowning at him from across the kitchen island. "I mean it, Sirius—"

"No you don't,"

"Yes I do!"

"Stop it!" Sirius voice sent Remus back a step and he swallowed. The glass in his hand was shaking now, too, and Sirius put down the wine bottle before he accidentally dropped it on the floor. "You...you don't mean that, Remus. And it's fine, really, I'm not mad at you—"

"What are you talking about?"

"You can't love me, no, you don't love me," Sirius shook his head and took a long gulp, wincing at the burn in his throat. He fucking hated white wine. "We're friends,"

"If that's how you feel about me that's fine—" Remus tried to step closer to him again but Sirius backed up and against the counter.

"No, don't do that," he mumbled, his voice trembling. Remus was playing a cruel trick on him now, that's all it was. He felt sorry for him because Sirius couldn't hold a healthy relationship down and Remus had never dated anyone. It was all too convenient and it wasn't true. Remus didn't love him. "You're being mean."

He could never love him. He was a fucking mess.

"I"m telling you how I feel, how is that mean?" Remus didn't understand. He saw how Sirius looked at him, how often he touched him. He knew. He knew he wanted this so why was he denying it? "Sirius—"

"I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

"Because why would you love me, Remus? What good am I to you?" Sirius spat and that made Remus pause.

"You don't think you're good enough?" He whispered. Sirius hated being vulnerable, fuck. But now he had backed himself into a corner and couldn't escape. “How can you think I’m anything but hopelessly in love with you?”

"Stop it—"

"I've always loved you,"

"Moony, please—"

"I mean it, Sirius. Ever since we first met I've been mental for you and I'm sorry but I need to tell you before I explode because I know—" Remus took his hand and Sirius jumped at how close they were. "—I know you feel something for me. I know I'm plain, and all I do is read my books and mind my own business, and I wear these ugly fucking jumpers and I smoke too much, but I know you feel it too, Pads. I see it in your eyes when you look at me."

Sirius looked up. Guess he wasn't as slick as he thought. He watched as Remus' soft brown eyes scanned his own face for something, anything, and he let out a whimper.

"But it's me," Sirius mumbled, putting down the glass and fisting Remus' jumper. They were always so soft and smelt so good, like sandalwood and pine cigarettes and him. "I don't deserve someone as good as you, Moony. I never have. S'why I never said anything."

"You silly git," Remus chuckled, tears welling in his eyes that made Sirius' mouth part in shock. He never saw Remus cry. "You say everything that's on your mind but that?"

Sirius' cheeks flushed. "Well, you know how I hate rejection—"

Remus pulled him against his chest and Sirius melted. Just like he always did. Then it slowly started to sink in that Remus loved him. He loved him. All these years of pining for him in secret—or as secret as telling James as often as he could was—just for Remus to love him back. Maybe he was a silly git.

"Can we promise to just tell each other everything from now on?" Remus mumbled into his hair and Sirius shivered. His voice always did that to him.

"Yeah, okay." He nodded and nuzzled his jumper. "S'always been you, Moony."

"I know," Remus replied, "and it's always been you."

[gamerbearmira]

THEY'RE SO SILLY

The baker and the chameleon...sobbing...

Nah, but I've been meaning to write this for a while. I haven't done much for the spouses of the mama Isa au. Actually, if y'all have any ideas for the spouses (or parents) let me know because I really need to do more for them and do more info on them

ANYWAYYYYYY YEAH <3333 Camilo finally built up enough courage and planned for weeks for this day lmao. They're so ψ(｀∇´)ψ

LES GET IT

-----

Camilo fiddled with the small box in his pocket. He did his best to prevent himself from transforming into anyone else. Though, he knew Cereza would recognize him anyway. She always saw through his Gift, and always recognized him. No matter who he was. He didn't know how, maybe by some magic, but she always saw just...him.

He looked around. Waiting. Searching for her. He knew his family was somewhere nearby, watching him, waiting to watch him pop the question to her. Of course he didn't mind, it put him at ease that they were there for him, to support him. He loved his family more than anything, and he wanted Cereza to be apart of that.

Camilo reached in his pocket, opening up the small black box. He opened it carefully, looking inside of at the ring. His sister-- Luisa's husband, Oriano, had made it. Camilo asked after seeing the rings he made for Isabela and her husband and later Luisa and himself. Camilo was so excited when Oriano accepted, and he was even more happy when he had gotten the ring a couple weeks prior to this day.

His fingers traced the small etchings on the gold ring. It was the first letter of Cereza's name and Camilo's, 2 C's intertwined, along with the day they met. Camilo had a second ring on standby, in the hopes that she said yes. It had taken him weeks to get her ring measurement, because Cereza didn't wear much jewelry, especially on her hands. Mostly due to the fact that she was a baker, of course. Another thing he loved about her.

He fiddled with the box. He was half tempted to go inside Casita and ask his tía Lola when Cereza was coming. Of course, he knew she would come, she always did. But that didn't make him any less nervous.

He was terrified, actually.

He and Cereza had actually talked about getting married. And he genuinely wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. But he couldn't help but go through the hundreds of different scenarios. Scenarios of the best and worst case scenario. He wanted the best case scenario. For her to say yes, and they happily get married and she join the Madrigal family officially. He already had his mamá, Isabela's blessing, and the blessing of Cereza's father.

"Camilo?" Camilo jumped, shoving the box into his pocket and turning around. He was so distracted he didn't even notice Cereza had walked up behind him.

"Cereza!" He said, a awkward smile on his face. "You're here!"

"Yeah, sorry I'm late. We had a really big work order and it took forever for us to clean up," Cereza explained, shrugging. "So what's up? How come you called me here? Not that I mind."

Camilo glanced towards Casita, where he knew the family was waiting. His hands felt sweaty, is this what Mirabel's hands were like? He pulled on the fringes of his poncho, taking a deep breath.

"There is...something I wanna talk about," Camilo said, his face growing serious. Cereza faltered, her eyebrows furrowing. Camilo rarely pulled a serious face, so it was clearly something important.

"W-Well what is it?" She asked, her chest tightening. She couldn't helo but feel scared. She hoped Camilo wasn't going to say what she thought he was. Not after all this time. They had something special.

Camilo closed his eyes, taking another deep breath before grabbing Cereza's hands.

"Cereza, you know I love you," Camilo said.

Cereza laughed nervously. "O-Of course. I love you too."

Camilo looked down before meeting her eyes again. "No, Cereza, I really do love you. A lot. Ever since I met you and you agreed to go on the date with me. And...you've stuck around for the past 2 years. A-And I really do appreciate it and I love you for it," Camilo felt tears well up in his eyes but he continued. "You are one of most kind and caring people I know. And you know I care about my family more than anything."

Camilo pulled away, albiet reluctantly, and reached into his pocket. Cereza's eyes widened as it slowly dawned on her what was happening. It also explained why her mother was so adamant on her cleaning up before going to see Camilo and why her papá let her leave earlier.

"Camilo...?" Cereza felt tears well up in her eyes, and her nose burned, but she was anything but sad. She couldn't be more happy. "What are you doing?" She asked, half laughing in disbelief and joy.

"Cereza. You are one of the most important people in my life. You are one of, if not the best thing to happen to me since we moved here and I met you," Camilo said gently. His hands were trembling as he got on his knee, opening the box and revealing the ring, which shined in the setting sun. "Cereza Castro, will you marry me?"

Cereza had tears pouring out if her eyes. She didn't say anything, couldn't, her breath caught in her throat. She stared at Camilo, who furrowed his eyebrows. Cereza, not wanting him to get the wrong idea, threw himself into her arms. She basically tackled him to the ground, finally finding her voice.

"Yes, yes!" Cereza exclaimed, smotheeing Camilo in kisses. "I will marry you Camilo Madrigal!"

Camilo looked shocked, but quickly laughed, hugging her back. He carefully put the ring on her finger and kissed her. The two stood, and it didn't take long for the rest of the family to come out, congratulating them. Cereza was surprised to see her family there too. She had found it strange how only her parents were at the bakery and left almost immediately after she did, but seeing her siblings so happy for her made her so happy.

Camilo and Cereza were brought inside, where a party had been set up. It was a surprise to Cereza and Camilo, because initially, Camilo thought it was a small gathering and Cereza didn't even know. But they didn't care.

Cereza was immediately pulled into a hug by her parents, and her siblings bombarded her with questions about the now upcoming wedding. Camilo watched her with a soft smile.

"You just got engaged and your already oogling her," Mirabel said, holding her infant daughter in her arms. Camilo stuck his tongue out at her. But his younger sister was right.

"Yeah ok. Like you didn't do the same with Vasco," Camilo said teasingly, shifting into her husband before he quickly shifted back, and she rolled her eyes playfully.

Both Luisa and Mirabel and their respective husband, and even Antonio, were teasing Camilo, but the four were quickly shooed away by Pepa and Félix. Pepa had tears in her eyes and Félix looked proud.

"Ay, mi nieto," Pepa said, pressing a kiss onto Camilo's forehead.

"Abuela," Camilo whined, and Félix shooed away her cloud.

"We're proud of you Camilo," Félix smiled amd Camilo returned it, he felt proud too. He had been so excited but so scared. But he knew that Cereza was the one for him, and he couldn't be more happy that they were going to be married.

Pepa and Félix walked off, joining the rest of the party and Cereza joined him again, leaning in his arm. Camilo kissed her head, holding her hand tightly. He could feel tge ring on her finger and he looked down at her. It felt so surreal. He had proposed to his now fiancee, and they were going ti be married. It was like a dream. A dream he never wanted to wake up from.

Camilo's gaze was pulled away when he saw his mamá, Isabela, and her husband, his papá, Canelo, walking over. Isabela handed Isabela a bouquet of flowers, and hugged the woman tightly.

"I can't wait for you to be my daughter," Isabela said and Cereza smiled up at Isabela. Isabela fawned and fussed over Cereza while Canelo congratulated Camilo and praised him. The matriarch finally turned to Camilo, with tears in her eyes.

"You have to promise to take care of her, ok?" Isabela said, and Camilo nodded. "And take care of my grandbabies if you have any."

"I will. Just like you mamá," Camilo whispered, and Isavela felt tears fall. Small flowers sprouted in her braid, and she peppered Camilo's face with kisses before she reluctantly pulled away, being led away by Canelo back to the party.

Camilo held Cereza close, holding her hand in his. As the two joined the rest of the families in party, Camilo hoped that this dream would never end.

---

-----

RAGGGHHHHHHH I LOVE THEM 👩‍🦯👩‍🦯👩‍🦯

This took a lot longer because. I did the drawing last minute and ending up making the snippet longer lmao 💀💀

ANYWAYYYY I HOOE Y'ALL ENJOYED IT 🤭🤭🤭 again, if you have. Any ideas for mama isa hmu❗❗❗ y'all already know whats up 🤓☝☝

[dualityvn]

MAYBE SOME MORE HURT?

MC and Keith or Tenebris are arguing, and Keith or Tenebris in the heat of the moment says something the genuinely hurts MC, and results in said boy being locked out of MC’s room while they cry over the harsh words said.

No resolution needed if you don’t feel like it, I want everyone to suffer.

Hurt (GN!MC x Keith)

× × ×

"Why are you always like this? I get being a little jealous, but you get so cold and hostile towards anyone who so much as touches me or compliments me!" you complain, raising your voice at the last two words.

Keith is leaning against the wall, arms crossed, glaring at the floor. He's been listening to you almost wordlessly.

"Why aren't you saying anything?"

"I just- What am I supposed to say?! I don't like it when they're near you. It makes me anxious," he says, still refusing to look you in the eye.

"What are you even anxious for? They're my friends! I'm not going to stop having friends because you can't handle me being around anyone who isn't you," you fire back.

"That's not what I said! Don't put words in my mouth! I just can't help it, alright? I didn't say you can't have friends, but I'm still not going to be happy when they get too touchy with you!"

"How is that normal? Everyone is telling me they feel weird whenever you're around! You're embarrassing me!"

Keith's glare finally shifts from the floor to you. "I'm embarassing you? Have you seen how many things I do for you? I'm dating you, not your friends! Why do I have to please them?"

"You don't have to please them, I'm just telling you to stop being such a jerk around them!"

That was the last drop. It brings Keith to a boiling point. He's been seething all day, holding back from snapping at others or telling them to stay away from you. And yet he is now being lectured despite it all.

"Now I'm a jerk? All you care about is your friends! You act like you and them are all that matter! Maybe I don't even want to be around them! Do you ever ask me that? Do you ever wonder how much I go through to make you happy?! No! You just care about yourself!" It's his turn to raise his voice and it's something you aren't used to. He's normally very docile and kind.

"That's not true! But you're just so hard to understand!" you try to argue back.

"Of course I'm the one who's hard to understand, not like your precious little friends. I bet you just can't wait to run back to them. How do I know you haven't already cheated on me with one of them?"

"How... how can you say that?!"

The accusation is too much. You begin to tear up and quickly dash towards your room. Keith calls your name, asks you to wait. He sounds regretful. But it's too late now. You lock the door behind you and begin to sob. He calls your name again through the door. There's no traces of anger left in his voice.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I- I didn't mean it!"

He can hear you sobbing and the sound is tearing him apart. He digs into his hair and pulls at it in frustration as his back hits the wall by your door and he slides down it.

His mind races with punishing thoughts aimed at himself. Stupid jerk, ungrateful piece of trash, worthless idiot. How could he say that to you? How dare he make you cry? You're the light of his life and this is how he repays you. What if you'll leave him after this? He'd deserve it, wouldn't he? Maybe that's all he is, an embarassment and a failure of a partner. Maybe he's just been trying hard like a pathetic bug and managed to accomplish nothing.

Somewhere at the back of his mind, Tenebris tries to ask for context, offers some comfort. But it's too faint for Keith to pay him any attention compared to the self hatred that's flooding his mind.

What can he do now? Can he even comfort you in any way? Should he crawl on his knees and beg for forgiveness? He doesn't know. He doesn't want you to cry.

He wishes he could simply crawl into a hole and die.

× × ×

You guys have no idea how hard it was to find some sort of insult Keith would say without being ooc, lmao.

[zombiepuke]

wlw cecilia pederson hc's

I haven't seen ANY Cecilia content and you know what. that is just homophobic. idc I love her so much and I can't stop thinking about her so here have some thoughts. leave it to me to love the character everyone despises

wlw gay stuff ahead // I try to keep her in-character but yknow I'm not perfect so - pls feel free to reblog/comment it truly means the world to me xoxo love you all!

--------

—Being with Cecilia is. Something. To say the least. She’s difficult to keep up with, even harder to be with. She’s mean, cold-hearted, and doesn’t really open up to you, ever. She doesn’t necessarily go out of her way to physically harm anyone, but she also doesn’t have much of an issue of morality when she needs to use violence. Whenever you find out about her scams, you’re undeniably angry, but she has you wrapped around her little finger so tightly, you don’t dare to even think of turning her in, or even worse - leaving her. So you take all of her bullshit in stride and try your hardest to stay on her good side. 

—She’s manipulative as fuck. Obviously. But she has an extreme soft spot for you and you only. Any other person in on her scams are expendable, and she chooses to not give a fuck about them, but time and time again, she chooses to care about you. You’re not entirely sure how that makes you feel about yourself, but she’s so good to you, and she fucks you so sweetly, you find yourself also not giving a fuck about your situation, either - so long as she keeps fucking you and treating you the way she does.

—You lowkey hate yourself for how easily she has a hold on your life. She can tell you to do anything and you’re scrambling to get it done like a dumb little puppy, just for her. Your entire identity, your entire sense of self was gone in her presence. You would burn the world to make her happy, to keep her attention on you (you secretly wished she would feel the same about you, but you know you’re just as expendable as the rest).

—(You’re actually not expendable, to her. You’re the one most important thing to Cecilia in her life, but she would absolutely never, in a million years, make that fact known. She, too, would destroy the world for you.)

—She expects a lot from you. She sees you as her equal, her only real friend - and she expects you to act like it. You’re intelligent, level-headed - just like her, and she knows it (regardless of your intelligence, Cecilia is your main weakness - she makes you stupid for her). She absolutely will make you feel like garbage sometimes, if you fuck up or do something not up to her (high) standards, she’s livid. She’s not above slapping, hair grabbing, cussing at you - and you take it all, you’re in too deep with her to argue, and because you know you wouldn’t win against her, anyways. Plus, you figure you have it pretty decent, being on Cecilia’s good side - she definitely love bombs you and is overly sweet on you as a manipulative tactic (and, she genuinely likes you. Not that you know that.)

—She is possessive as HELL. She will make it well known you are hers and hers only. 

—Cecilia spoils the fuck out of you. If she likes you, you would pretty much be set for life. I hate to say sugar mama buttttt, if there was anything you wanted or liked, you would get it (and you never question how she gets her hands on some things). She has money, and she likes to spend it, especially on you. She spoils you with extravagant gifts, jewelry, clothes, perfume (HC Cecilia has tons of high-end perfumes cause why not), and even dates - she loves to dote on you and show you off, show the world what she has (you’re her most valuable asset). Cecilia is surprisingly romantic, very elegant and pretentious, very hedonistic - her pleasure is of utmost importance, and your pleasure is her pleasure as well, so you enjoying yourself is something she takes very seriously. Yes, she’s a very cold person and she is not above bloody violence, but she is also very womanly, therefore, treats you very much so like a lady - so different than how she treats her victims or how she acts when she’s angry. She takes you to the fanciest restaurants, always buys the most expensive bottles of wine for you to share (HC she’s definitely a Cabernet girly!). She won’t stand for you to go wanting for anything.

—And she absolutely spoils you with orgasms, too. Cecilia likes to make you come. A lot. Too much, sometimes - your time in bed with her always ends with you hardly able to walk because your legs are like gelatin. Knowing she can make you scream, can make you come that hard that many times, it’s her favorite fucking thing in the world and she can never get enough. She’s really fucking talented at learning your body and what you like, what makes you tick - she maps you out, calculated, like she is with everything in her life. She knows exactly how to touch you to get you shaking, exactly how you like your cunt to be eaten, exactly how to slide her fingers just right to get you squirming - and she’ll keep doing it, over and over, until you can’t keep up with how many orgasms you’ve had. 

—You absolutely have to ask (beg) Cecilia’s permission to come.

—The PRAISINGGGGGG AND DEGRADINGGGGGG with this woman is INSANE. She talks a LOT while she’s fucking you and man, she says some dirty shit. She definitely talks you through it constantly, sweet nothings in your ears while she’s sitting behind you, her chest pressed to your back and one of her hands in-between your legs, the other clasped across your chest, her lips planting kisses on your up-turned neck. She’s really good at balancing being incredibly mean to you and incredibly sweet, touching you gently but whispering some of the iciest words to you. Like sometimes she leaves you in tears she’s so mean to you. Look at you, filthy slut, gonna come on my fingers? Let’s see how many times that worthless cunt can come for me tonight, hm? You would be nothing without me, sweetheart, you need me to take care of you, just like that whorish cunt needs me to take care of her, too. Dumb bitch, making a mess all over me like the dirty harlot you are. Look at you, about to come already - I don’t think so, baby girl. You think you deserve to come? You think you deserve me? Think you deserve me fucking you? No one else will ever fuck you, except for me. No one else could ever fuck you like I do, baby. Say something smart to me again, whore, and I’ll never touch your pretty little pussy ever again. That’s all you want, right? Is for me to keep playing with that spoiled little cunt? Aw, the little slut is crying. What a rotten, stupid baby you are, pretty girl.

—In addition to how cruelly she speaks to you, sometimes she just straight up refuses to let you come for long periods of time. I’m talking hours, days, even, of no relief for you at all. She loves to see you defenseless, powerless, begging her to give you something. It’s either you don’t come at all, or she’s making you come so many times you can hardly see. Yknow a good mix.

—But her praises would be just as intense, when she was in the mood to treat you a little nicer. Being with her is a whirlwind, she 180’s like crazy. The pet names are endless, constantly calling you baby, baby girl, love, sweetheart, good girl, princess, etc. Sometimes it’s strange hearing such sweet names pour from her lips as she’s also saying the most cruel, vile things to you, but all you know is that you cling to everything she says, drink up every word she utters to you. Oh, my sweet girl. Look how precious you are, so desperate. Tell me how it feels, hm, darling? Is that good? You’re so pretty, grinding on my leg like that, honey. Just relax, baby girl, and let me take care of you, I know you need that, need someone to take care of you, I know you need me. Oh, tsk tsk tsk, I know it feels good, baby, let it all out, sweet thing, let me hear you. You sound so lovely moaning my name like that. You’re such a good girl for me, angel, you’re so good. God, you’re so beautiful, so perfect, so flawless, your cunt is so pretty, she’s all mine. You’re all mine, princess. Can you come for me again, baby girl? Come on, I know you can do it, come for me, come for me, elskling, just like that. Oh, I’m so proud of you, godjenta. 

—She speaks half english, half Norwegian when she’s fucking you - usually when she’s praising you - a lot of the pet names she uses are in her native tongue. Hearing her speak to you in Norwegian sends you into another dimension. 

—Cecilia typically prefers to keep her clothes on while you’re intimate. It’s just how she is, very hidden and secretive, not that she minds you knowing anything about her. It’s just what she’s comfortable with most of the time. You like it, though, there’s a sense of power she has while you’re completely naked and she’s fully clothed. You also love the way the expensive fabrics she wears feel against your skin when she’s on top of you, or holding you to her, or draped across your back.

—Thigh riding. With her clothes on. Her watching you smugly, trying so hard to get yourself off right there on her leg. Dirty worthless slut, trying so hard to come. Look at you. It’s a privilege to even use my leg. Just think about that.

—Speaking of that, it takes an incredibly long time for Cecilia to allow you to see her naked, or to even touch her. She is a control freak through and through, and she doesn’t like relinquishing that - but eventually, she trusts you enough, and lets you touch her, see her body beneath her clothes. She’s beautiful everywhere, not just in the face, and you’re really excited to be able to touch her, too, bring her as much pleasure as she brings you. It’s different, complicated for Cecilia to let you in in that way, but once she gives herself over to you for a change, she learns to adore it. You worship her the first time she lets you touch her, pressing your mouth to every piece of her body, amazed, in awe of just how gorgeous she was, how reactive she was to your touch. The first time you ever make her come, you feel like it was akin to seeing some sort of ancient god - seeing her, usually so ice cold and stoic and uncaring, arching her back and pulling at your hair and her pretty face flushed and scrunched up in ecstasy, her blonde hair spread across the pillow like an undeserving halo, the noises of desperation and your name coming from her lips in a whimper, the taste of her cunt behind your own lips. The sight could have made you come right then and there with her. She grabbed your chin and kissed you, hard, panting into your mouth, body visibly shaking. God, darling, you’re so fucking good at that—

And then, you’re just as addicted to pleasing her as she is to you.

—She babbles to you in both languages as she comes. Absolutely.

—Her favorite thing to do to you is go down on you. Something about it is just it for her. She likes having direct power over you, and over time she’s realized that her mouth can break you down like nothing else, having you making noises you’d never thought you’d make, sending you to places in the stars. Cecilia is one thing and that is determined, and that determination is very clear when she’s eating you out - she won’t stop for anything. She doesn’t care if you have already come three times - she’s staying right between your legs until she’s had her fill of you, not that you’re complaining. She’s honestly pretty sweet with it (as she is with lots of things involving you - the contrast between her career choices and how she treats other people and how she treats you, it gives you whiplash sometimes); she’s slow and steady, pressing tantalizing kisses all down your frontside, in the creases of where your pelvis meets your legs, up your center - landing right on top of your clit, tongue slowly dipping down into your cunt, the pace making you shove your face in your hands and wail your desperation into your palms. She murmurs soft praises and maybe some harsher degradation in between your thighs, in tune with the even softer movements of her mouth against you, looking up at you through blonde lashes all the while, gauging your reactions to everything she does. She compliments and praises everything about you. Oh, my pretty girl, such a precious little pussy, hm? I know you need it, sweetheart, be patient. I’ll give you everything you need. Her hands would be busy, too, coming up to rest on your upper thighs, your hips, your lower stomach, nails scraping gentle patterns to your skin. She’s a tease with everything - she wants you desperate and dripping for her and she likes to hold your neediness for her over your head. But once she stops barely touching your skin and running her tongue across your lips, she’s latching onto your cunt like it’s air, not letting up til you’re crying and trying to thrash away from the intensity. And all positions are game for her - she especially likes to eat your pussy from the back while you’re on all fours, elbows to the ground and ass hiked up as far as you can arch, one of her hands wrapped around your thigh and the other pressing a thumb to your clit while her tongue is pressed into your cunt. Or she likes you to sit on her face cause she can grab onto your thighs and hold you down to her. She also likes to eat you out while you’re standing, pressed against the floor-to-ceiling glass panels in her home, her mouth nestled between your legs and her arms wrapped around your thigh as your knees shook from her circling your clit with her tongue.

—Her handssssss her hands are so pretty. Cecilia is super talented with her fingers and really enjoys holding you to her chest while she plays with your pussy, dipping her fingers down into your wetness to rub your clit with, yknow yknow the good shit. Or she knows exactly how to hit every damn spot inside of you to have you howling her name into the blankets.

—Scissoring? Hell yes. She’s all for it, and she doesn’t care if she’s on top or bottom. Sometimes she likes when you take control, swiveling your hips against hers, your arms wrapped around one of her legs to fit your bodies together, being able to see her lovely face react, eyes closing, brows furrowing, as you tilt down to get the friction just right. It felt like you were fucking her instead of the other way around (even though her iron grip on your hips told you she was absolutely still in control). Or, when she’s on top, and her hips thrust so perfectly in tune with your own, your sex gliding so wonderfully against hers, her arms reaching down to rest her hands on your chest for leverage - taking one and slipping it to lay against your lower stomach to press her thumb to your clit, just to give you that extra bolt to send you over the edge. Her hair flows and swirls over her shoulders, her head thrown back with her eyes closed, focusing on the feeling, the way her muscles and bones move with her, the heat of her body radiating onto you, it’s addicting. She’d lean forward and press her forehead to yours, eyes meeting your own, forcing you to look at her while she thrusts and fucks you into oblivion. It’s an almost sweet gesture, one of her hands coming up to hold your cheek and urge you to come for her.

—She’ll make you watch her fuck you in the mirror. Seeing her hand come up to wrap around your throat from behind while she’s railing you, her breath on your neck as she’s whispering dirty things into your ear, her eyes on yours in the reflection - you like seeing her face as she’s unraveling you.

—Definitely uses toys on you - she would absolutely hold a vibe to your clit til you literally feel like blacking out, or hold a wand to you while fucking you with a strap, or suck on your clit while fucking you with a toy, too. 

—She’s rough a lot of the time, slapping you and throwing you around, pulling at your hair and forcing you down. But other times, she touches you like you’d break, slow and gentle and calm. You couldn’t ever say that she loved you but, maybe in her own sick, fucked up way, she did. Above all she enjoys being around you, she enjoys making you feel good and spoiling you, and she’s down for most anything.

—She does care for you - again, in her own fucked up way - and she doesn’t leave you hanging, especially after sex that was particularly rough or degrading. She will absolutely hold you close to her and let you come down from the intensity. She’s not completely heartless. She’ll rub your back, stroke your hair, kiss your forehead, get you water, have intimate, deep conversations for hours - all the sweet gooey shit. She really likes to run you baths and even join you in them (let’s be real we know this bitch has a huge bathtub). Long story short she’s not gonna say or do some fucked up sadistic shit to you and not make sure you’re okay afterwards - she’s not completely evil, she just puts herself first in most situations, but when you come around, she kinda melts for you and only you. One time, she was on top of you, fully clothed, kissing at your shoulders and grinding her hips down into yours, and she buried her face into the crook of your neck, whispering oh, god, what are you doing to me, sweetheart? referring to how soft she was around you sometimes, how warmly you made her feel, how you saw right through her cruel bullshit and melted her into a puddle. She eventually opens up to you about a lot of things in her life, her childhood, her past, how she became the woman she was. It makes your heart jump. Sometimes, she is so loving to you, and so mean to everyone else, it makes you feel like the luckiest person on the planet, to have such an intense, cold, self-centered woman like Cecilia take a fondness to you. 

[terriblewomanyuri]

When I started Hoshikuzu Telepath, I expected a mediocre CGDCT and slight yuri undertones that started and ended at the forehead-elepathy.

DAMN was I wrong.

Warning: MAJOR spoilers. This is pretty much a summary occasionally mixed in with my thoughts.

In short, if you haven't read Hoshikuzu Telepath, you should read it. It's really fucking good.

In long:

First off, Umika is a believable anxious character. She doesn't just get sad or withdrawn, she'll cry if she gets too overwhelmed or worried. That isn't to say there aren't anxious people who just shut down, but it is nice to see a character who cries and is still presented as emotionally strong.

Because Umika is! So many stories present protagonists that supposedly get up after being knocked down, but there's never the impressions that they're knocked down, just pushed back. They don't cry, get frustrated, or react poorly, they just have an obstacle they need to get around and, while the progress they make feels satisfying, it never feels like they overcome the internal strife they supposedly have.

With Hoshikuzu Telepath, things actually get worse before they get better. There's almost always something stressing out one of the members of the main cast, because they're all girls with some level of trauma, but it doesn't become oppressive at any point.

To start, Matataki joining was pretty lighthearted. There were some rough spots, but it kind of felt inevitable she'd join. The subsequent competition, Umika's panic attack during her speech, and the listless air of defeat after the competition was not where I expected the story to go, but it was what got me hooked.

The heartfelt conversation between Umika and Yuu in the lighthouse... that was YURI! It also sets up the core of Umika and Yuu's relationship and it's connection to light. And, of course, the fact that while Umika thinks she's an absolute failure, other people at school think its awesome that she makes model rockets is great! Because, yeah, that's what all people in a field of expertise experience at some point, or at least what they deserve. You have experience and think you're terrible, but someone without experience thinks its cool.

To be honest, I think Matataki is my favorite character. I'm a sucker for mechanics, I'm a sucker for characters with a gay little fang, and I relate to a lot of her character. Her relationship with Haruno is great, especially when she realizes she can't blow the material down the rocket tube because that would mean an indirect kiss. And of course, Haruno coming in when she's brooding, yelling about how she's gonna beat her in a competition and make her lose, then taking her goggles... excellent.

Side note: I would not object if this managed to become poly yuri. The relationships between our four main characters are all well established and they aren't relegated to only having deep and intimate character moments with their narrative foil.

Matataki facing off against Haruno, Umika, and Yuu was great, and her losing on purpose so she could go back to being alone was an amazing character moment. And then Haruno calling that she used an engine too small? AGHHH! Matataki getting pissed off and trying to push everyone away again is great! She's not just someone who says some kinda mean things and doesn't ever mean them, she genuinely says this to hurt, not because she hates anyone, but because she distrusts them. And earlier, she made Umika cry with her words, which just makes Umika coming back and making a speech about wanting to make a place where all of them can pursue their dreams and be comfortable... it feels so genuine because we've SEEN her pursue this goal!

Umika getting sick from all this exertion is a bit contrived, but it leads to some good yuri, so I have no complaints. Also Umika's mom works at the aquarium. I wonder if we'll get the state-mandated aquarium yuri date? Umika's gay little dream about Yuu is cute, and her asking Yuu to not do forehead-elepathy with anyone else is not just adorable, but a portent of the drama to come, as Yuu immediately does whatever Umika wants due to her desperation for someone who cares for her. While it just looks like a cute, two-sided yuri crush at this point, we can tell it's sowing the seeds for something that could be seriously codependent looking back. Also, while forehead-elepathy is obviously a (debatably) platonic stand-in for kissing, it feels way gayer. This is also where Yuu starts becoming aware of her feelings for Umika.

And here is where I start going feral over the chapter taglines. "I must be the only one who noticed that our hands are touching," shows Yuu's love for Umika so clearly. Umika is thrilled to have a companion like Yuu, and while she's pretty gay about it, she does not realize the extent of her influence on Yuu. Yuu thinks that Umika is the only one who truly and wholly accepts her and thus is desperate to be exactly what Umika wants her to be. Yet she also doesn't think that Umika could reciprocate those feelings, and thus worries about how their relationship would progress. Thus, she thinks that she's the only one who notices their hands touching.

The lighthouse meeting here demonstrates this perfectly. Yuu is following a request Umika gave her while delirious from fever with immense discipline. Then, Yuu is thrilled when Umika gets better at talking to other people. Then she's terrified. Terrified of Umika drifting away from her, terrified that if Umika doesn't need her anymore, she won't want her.

Umika gets better at talking to people and gives her presentation at the club leader meeting pretty well and tells Yuu about it. Yuu tries to voice her worries, but ultimately is afraid that Umika will push her away and plays it off and tells Umika that she's not doing forehead-elepathy with anyone else because Umika asked her too. And Umika doesn't remember, she apologizes, and Yuu calls herself stupid for it.

And the ending tagline here is GRAHHH. "An arm's length is so frustratingly short." Yuu wants to keep herself away, because she's becoming worried. She wants Umika to get better, and if Yuu gets too obsessed with Umika, she might try to stop that.

Yuu thinks that it's fine if Umika doesn't get better at talking to other people, because Yuu will always be able to understand her. And she feels terrible, because she wants Umika to get better at talking to other people, so the only person she can blame is herself.

She gets worse, but lets take a diversion to look at Haruno and Matataki and their gay ol' times together. Haruno arriving to Matataki, ready to ride on her motorcycle in a skirt, only for Matataki to put her in jeans and a biker jacket is great, but the fact that they talk about it being to Matataki's "taste," is... GRAHHHHH!!!

Haruno pouring out her worries about herself, talking about how she's grown, and thanking Matataki for helping improve is adorable. Haruno leaning over the railing, losing her balance, and falling back into Matataki's arms is adorable. And then Haruno says "I love it when... you're so strong and kind, Matataki-chan!" She was about to confess, I guarantee you.

Then Matataki gives her a new choker??? And Haruno grins like an idiot when she gets it and asks if she fits Matataki's tastes more now??? And then when Haruno asks her for help finding out what her grandfather's dreams were, she says "I love you!" when Matataki agrees????? They're so girlfriends.

Anyways, they've got a radio to the aliens now that only works intermittently and Yuu is FUCKED UP. She is panicking, torn between elation at possibly meeting her people and fear at leaving Umika. When they go to the coordinates, in the woods, where they think the UFO is going to land eventually, it doesn't come immediately. Then night passes and Matataki and Haruno leave Umika and Yuu to it.

Umika is positive, as usual, but then Yuu starts getting worried about her possessiveness. And then it gets fuckin' wild. The 4koma template that's only been broken for big moments is broken again as Yuu pins Umika to the ground and covers her mouth and starts talking about how "Only you could tug at my heart like that..." Then she starts caressing Umika's hand and face and talking about how Umika doesn't need other people, about how Yuu can understand her just fine, about how they should "stay together... forever." Then Yuu is overwhelmed with guilt and says that she doesn't really want to do any of that and runs off terrified.

I was NOT FUCKING EXPECTING THIS. I did not anticipate the series would delve into an actual toxic lesbian relationship, but here we are!

And, of course, Umika doesn't give up. Her digging through the grounds with her bare hands because she thinks that what the coordinates marked was actually a piece of meteorite that could restore the function of the radio... she really does love Yuu.

I'm getting a bit tired, so I won't go into their reconciliation, but it's nice seeing Umika realize her feelings for Yuu. And the fact that they both realize and say, in front of Haruno and Matataki, that they feel jealousy over each other in a way different than from friendship... c'monnnnn canon lesbians lets go, canon lesbians.

Also Matataki is getting interested in the Cosmic language (which is Esperanto! Pretty nice.) and I'm betting she's going to confess to Haruno in it so she can admit to herself that she's in love and then pass it off as an insult when Haruno asks what she said. Of course, this is going to be followed by Haruno saying it to Umika or Yuu, who will tell her what it actually means. Investing in this now.

The series does seem to be getting lighter now, what with Matataki in a maid outfit for the culture festival. I do like the scene where the middle schooler looks at the display from the Rocket Research Association and Umika shows her what everything does. It's nice seeing someone passing on their knowledge to someone and getting them interested in the field while sharing their passion. Even if they're only 15 (Umika, probably) and 14 (the middle schooler, probably) years old.

Also the yuri is getting cranked up after that mutual confession of jealousy, with Yuu and Umika pretty much flirting in public.

Also, can't remember when it happened, but Matataki really did say "Fuck them kids." Poor teacher gets constantly ignored, too.

This ended up being more of a summary than an analysis. Ah well.

The TVTropes page is also desperate to emphasize that these girls AREN'T EXPLICITLY ATTRACTED TO EACHOTHER GUYS ALRIGHT THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT CANONICALLY YURI!

TVTropes is wrong btw. They're gay. Gay as fuck.

[littlerosetrove]

Hold the fucking phone. This will need a lot more pondering and explanation, but Eddie has such a skewed idea of what a romantic relationship even looks like. This post helps explain why Eddie, let's be honest, doesn't really know what romantic love even looks or feels like (especially with a woman).

So I guess adding on to that with my original thought is just, as simply as I can put it, Eddie to varying degrees did not know and kinda refused to be emotionally vulnerable with any woman he's been with, even with Shannon. Instead, Eddie's seen sex equaling a romantic relationship (and romantic love). Like? Eddie denied having any kind of affair with Kim to Buck because they haven't had sex, thus there's no affair to be had.

...My dude.

Let's also acknowledge that the only real honesty Eddie ever shared with Kim was when he came clean to her about "Yeah I see my dead wife in you, I've been looking for her in you. No I haven't seen you as your own person." Before this Kim, during the cheesy row boat date, told Eddie that she sees he holds back because, in her words, he's afraid he's too much. Or something. Which means even Kim could tell Eddie wasn't giving or revealing much of himself at all.

What I'm trying to say is that I think Eddie equates sex to both a romantic relationship and romantic love. He doesn't factor in that being emotionally vulnerable is a key piece to having a healthy romantic relationship. And as I've said here and in the past, Eddie has always struggled to varying degrees and failed at being emotionally vulnerable and invested in the relationships he's had with women. It's all been a performance, and if there's sex involved? Well that's that. Good enough in Eddie's mind.

What Eddie doesn't see, or is in deep denial about, is the glaring fact that Eddie can and has been vulnerable and open with one person. Buck. Because Buck is Eddie's safe space. Eddie can be open and honest and silly and just himself with Buck. Which Eddie has never really allowed himself to do or be with anyone else, in great part because he thinks he's too much. But he's not, and he'll never be too much for Buck. Eddie has had more intimacy and genuine intimacy with Buck than with anyone else, and they've only ever hugged.

As well, I very much see Eddie as a repressed gay man, so of course Eddie hasn't been able to be or really want to be with a woman as he's told himself he should. I think the show is working on un-repressing this gay man. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Eddie.

So like. Eddie, I'm begging, go back to therapy. Sex =/= love. Sex =/= a healthy relationship.

[lostusagis]

Namida

@jiraipink

 It was a pretty calm day. Odd Jobs didn't have any clients, so no work. Kagura was sitting on the couch next to Gintoki leaning her head against his arm while they watched anime together. Every so often they would both make comments making fun of one of the characters, which is something Kagura immensely enjoyed.

 However, the peace was interrupted by the sound of the sliding door to the apartment being torn from the hinges and tossed across the hallway.

 Kagura didn't even have to look to know who it was. Gintoki however, did look with a mix of annoyance and surprise.

“Why the hell can't anyone in your family be normal?!” He'd say with exasperation, since he was the one that had to pay for a new door.

Kagura didn't say anything to that, and just sighed. “Kamui, I thought you were going to be with Namida today.” She paused the anime, and checked through her phone.

 Kamui had walked inside, then tossed Gintoki off the sofa like a ragdoll before replacing his spot. The samurai mumbled something angrily under his breath before leaving.

“Just shut up, alright? What are we watching? Jojo? Huh…. Haven't seen that in awhile.” He reached for the remote, but Kagura quickly snatched it before he could get it.

“No, no.” She side eyed him, “What happened? You're obviously really upset, and you said you'd talk to me more when you're upset like that.”

Kamui clicked his tongue and turned away, leaning his cheek into his hand while leaning on the sofa’s armrest. “I said I'd try, I don't feel like trying today and it doesn't matter. I'm fine.”

“No you're not.”

“Yes I am.”

“I can tell when you're lying dumbass, wait-” Kagura paused, realizing why Kamui came here.

“Ohhhh…. Namida’s with one of her clients right now.” Given that when Kagura said this, she noticed Kamui getting more pissed off she knew she was right on the mark.

“Awww, you're upset you can't be with her? Upset she's on a date with a-” Kamui tried punching her but she expected it and immediately dodged it.

Kagura rolled her eyes, “You're so easy to read.”

“I'm NOT upset.” Kamui was clearly trying his hardest to deny all the accusations.

“Look, it's fine if you are. It sucks when plans don't work out.” She shrugged, “Although, she seems the type that she wouldn't cancel out on any plans she has with you. Did something happen?”

 Kagura looked over at her brother who was still turned away, though noticed the stupid pouty expression he had on his face.

“I… didn't actually plan anything….” He practically forces out, 

“Then it's your own fault. She's not going to be available 24/7, she has work you know.”

He'd huff childishly, “Her job is stupid anyway. I hope she quits one day.”

Kagura quirks a brow and looked at him confused, “......Why?”

“Going on dates with a bunch of different guys that don't even deserve to look at her, or even breathe the same air as her. I bet a lot of them are just worthless nobodies who deserve to drop dead. I'd love to kill them personally.”

 YIKES. This again. Her brother was giving off very scary yandere energy. Concerning for Namida. Hopefully this doesn't lead to any issues later down the line because he seemed like he genuinely loved her. The first time she's ever seen him interested in anyone romantically actually. Even though he's too stupid to realize he loves her. It seems to be mutual from what she's seen at least.

“I'm sure Namida has her own reasons for working as a rental girlfriend. You don't really have any right to complain. It's not like you're her boyfriend.” It's not a job Kagura would do herself, but if Namida had no issues with it then what was there to complain about?

“I'm her best friend though….” Kamui looked like a kicked puppy when saying that, as if being her best friend was a rank above being her boyfriend.

“Wow, you're really stupid.” She'd look at him with absolute disbelief over his idiocy.

“How…?” Kamui asks when looking over at her, confused.

“Nevermind. I have been meaning to ask you though….. when the hell did you two start becoming friends? I remember you two really disliking each other. So much so, Namida joined that club with me.” Kamui didn't normally open up to others, so she wanted to know what happened that made them so close with each other.

 Kamui didn't answer, and instead looked down shamefully while his face steadily became red. This…. was not a side she expected to ever see of him.

“Kamui? What happened?” She'd ask again, staring at him intently.

 He sighs out, “One of her co-workers had pissed me off and I threatened to hurt her, which made Namida really upset…” Kamui didn't like thinking of her being upset with him, so it took him a bit to continue and Kagura waited and listened quietly.

 “She started avoiding me so whenever I went to bother her at work, she was never there. I didn't encounter her until I saw a group of samurai hurting her and possibly trying to kill her.” Anxiety filled his features when thinking back to that day.

Kagura was starting to see where this was going.

“I lost control of my Yato blood, and ended up killing all of them. Namida kept trying to stop me though…..” His cheeks felt so warm, feeling the embarrassment when speaking about something that meant a lot to him.

“Instead of getting scared and running off, she was persistent in stopping me. Even hugged me which eventually got me to come to my senses. And.. we talked about stuff. I might've disliked her at first but I think I started liking her over time, I just didn't want to admit it.”

Oh, a yandere AND a tsundere. Her brother was major cringe, and an unexpected character type. But this did sound sweet. She was about to speak but he kept talking.

“What made me REALLY like her though was… well… I went to bother her after we had visited mom…” Kamui awkwardly rubbed the back of his head, since this was something he was especially ashamed over. 

“She caught me crying in her office, and… she dropped everything so she could spend time comforting me. I tried really hard to push her away, but even when I hurt her she for some reason didn't want to give up. Shes seen me at my worse and didn't turn away from that despite how I get when I'm upset…” He felt himself getting emotional, even sniffling a bit. This wasn't something he'd tell just anyone.

“Her words and comforting touch made me feel… really warm. Like how it felt with mom…” fists clenched tightly over his pant legs, frowning.

“Over time we just kept getting closer and closer. I think about her all the time now.”

Kagura looks at him curiously, “Why do you look so sad over that though? She seems to really like you too.”

“I keep doing things that hurt her and make her cry…. The same way I hate seeing you cry is the same way I hate seeing her cry. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me wanna die.” A hand threads through his hair, his features filled with despair.

“But sometimes things slip out, sometimes I forget not everyone can handle how blunt I tend to be. How insensitive I am. But I wanna be nice for her…. I wanna be someone that makes her happy. I want her to smile everyday, she sometimes has this sad look in her eyes and I want to help her with that. But I can't do anything right.” He buried his face into his bandage covered hands, as the sniffles only ensued. Kagura couldn't help but feel for him. From what she's seen, he's always been closed off. The closest relationship he had before Namida was Abuto, but Kamui seemed to be close with him only to a certain extent. Since again, he keeps himself closed off. His heart is fragile and he keeps barbed wire over it to protect himself. She's pretty sure if Namida ever broke off their “friendship”, it was going to be horrendous. Kamui tended to criticize people that fall in love, saying such feelings were worthless. Yet, became this obsessive idiot the minute HE began to feel those kind of emotions. What a mess.

“You know…. All friends argue. Sometimes feelings get hurt, but as long as you apologize and try to be better then I don't see a reason to feel bad.” Kagura gently placed a hand on his back,

“I've had arguments with all my friends. Gin-chan, Shinpachi, Soyo-chan, yeah. Its normal. You're not really good with feelings and I'm sure Namida gets that. I'm sure she also gets that you're trying hard to be a good friend too. I'm also sure she wouldn't like you saying those harsh things about yourself.” Hell, Kagura didn't like hearing it. She never did, so she could only imagine how Namida would feel.

 Kamui would lift his face from his hands, his eyes were red. He'd sniffle when staring at the ground.

“You know… when I'm with her I don't get any of those negative thoughts. I only think about what's happening in the moment, about how happy being around her makes me. I feel like everything is okay. Which makes upsetting her even worse.”

 Hearing the way Kamui talked about Namida was so surprising. The love he had for her, in a way, seemed really pure despite the obsession. Maybe it was the fact that Kamui was awful at handling feelings, and from what she's seen he feels everything intensely. Maybe at a certain point, the obsession will become less intense once he processes his feelings correctly. He didn't even know he loved her after all.

It wasn't her place to try talking to him about that either, him and Namida had to figure that out. Because Kagura knew damn well Namida was in love with him too. The yearning looks, the flustered expressions, the fact that she almost always saw them holding hands…

They were so CRINGE because they claimed all of this was friendship. Friends didn't talk about each other the way Kamui spoke about Namida.

 Kagura pulled him into a hug, which Kamui immediately collapsed into it, hugging her back tightly. 

“Are you scared of her hating you?” She'd ask softly with a sympathetic frown. Kamui nodded. Kagura rubbed up and down his back soothingly.

“Have you really come to like her that much?”  Kamui nodded again to her question.

“I don't think I can handle ever losing her…” The way he said those words made him sound so broken. Even if he wasn't right to be so pissy over her having a client, it made sense WHY. He found solace in their time together. Although, being so reliant on Namida like that did cause concern. Kamui wasn't exactly the most sane of individuals. It made sense for a normal human to fear him, especially because of how he constantly let his Yato side influence his choices. He was violent. Dangerous. The likelihood of a human wanting to be around that was really little, Kagura's been on earth long enough to conclude that much.

 She wouldn't fault Namida for one day deciding she didn't want to deal with that. Even if it did seem like she really loved Kamui. She's mainly seen the good sides of him. 

“Hmmm, my brother actually getting this attached to an earth woman? Never thought I'd see the day. Would've expected it to at least be someone you could fight.” Kagura lightly teased Kamui while still comforting him. Moments of vulnerability like this, she usually holds back on the usual insults.

“Be quiet. You wouldn't get it.” He mumbles from where his face was buried into her shoulder.

“Nah, I get it pretty well. Didn't say there was anything wrong with that though.” This could be good for him if he learned how to properly process his emotions. Otherwise, Namida will have a hard time.. Kagura couldn't help the increasing worry after this conversation, for Namida. She was just a human. An innocent human. Kamui had so many issues.

“Maybe as long as you're completely honest and open with her, things will be alright.” When Kagura says that, Kamui pulled from the hug to look at her. Eyes red, puffy and all.

“....I'm always honest with her though.” Kamui would say but Kagura looked at him skeptically, which made him avert his gaze from hers.

“I just prefer to keep my negative feelings hidden, so I won't ruin the time we spend with each other.”

His words make her sigh tiredly, “Have you seen her upset before?”

“Yeah.”

“How did you respond to that?”

“I comforted her, and tried to help her feel better.”

“But YOU don't want to be upset around her, and only want to be cheerful when you two are together.”

“Yeah.”

“Fucksakes….” She mumbles under her breath. “Kamui you're basically lying to her, if you two are good friends I think she'd prefer you don't do that.”

“It'll just be me acting stupid and whiny, there's no point.” This is exactly what Kagura meant, he has so many issues.

“Is that what you think when she's upset?” 

Kamui looked like he got worked up over that, “No? Why would I be? I wanna support her whenever I can after all.”

“Do you not hear yourself? Kamui, Namida isn't going to think you're stupid and whiny for showing your true feelings. People who care about you won't attack you for having bad days. Please stop thinking that. You literally came here because you're comfortable enough showing me how upset you are. Am I making fun of you for it? No. Namida won't either. If she comforted you before, it means she'll probably do it again if you let her.” Why were men so intent on hiding their feelings? Idiots. All of them.

“I just want her to be happy, I don't want her to deal with how much of a disaster I am….” He sounded ashamed. Kagura knew well he hated how emotional he really was.

‘I emptied myself’ her ass. He's so frustrating. Not only is he emotionally dependent on her, but he feels the need to put up a front still, despite Namida clearly not minding seeing him during his more vulnerable moments.

Kagura didn't know what to say anymore, her head hurt. All she could hope for was that things worked out for both of them. Hopefully Kamui doesn't become problematic with his obsession. Hopefully Namida doesn't end up hurt. Hopefully all three of them can still be close. She really likes Namida….

Admittedly, Namida chose the absolute worst guy. People don't really choose who they fall for though, it just happens. Or something like that.

 She runs a hand down her face. She'll slightly root for them.

 There was a deep inhale and exhale, “How about we watch some anime until Namida is free? Getting your mind off it for a while might help.” Kamui would nod to her suggestion so Kagura went ahead and restarted the episode.

 While the opening played, Kamui mumbled “Thanks…. Kagura. Talking to you really helps, but I'm sorry I'm always so frustrating.” He forced a smile.

“If you're grateful don't use that fake ass smile with me. But yeah, no problem. Like I told you, I'll support you through anything.”

Even this mess he currently had going on with Namida. Which would hopefully end happily for them.

[claudemblems]

One Step At a Time | TWST

Summary: You've never been in a relationship, but you've had bad experiences with romance. Guys have confessed their attraction to you, but you've never shared their feelings. Now that you're in a relationship with Leona, you want him to be aware of your past and ask him if he would be willing to take things slow.

Notes: Totallyyyy not based on my own experiences. Self-indulgent, but I'm sure some of you can relate. Also, I haven't finished chapter 2 of TWST yet, so I'm just hoping that my depiction of Leona is in-character :,)

"The first guy completely blindsided me with his confession--well, I actually never got a confession. He just asked me on a date out of nowhere. Then the second guy ghosted me when I didn't like the idea of getting cozy with him. It was only the second time we met! Ugh. Of course nothing turned out how I imagined it in my head. Just my luck."

Leona listened intently as the two of you strode down the hallway, thoughts of your stressful class replaced with the allure of a delicious lunch waiting for you. Grim and the others had already left, eager to get the best items before they sold out, but Leona had stayed behind and waited for you while you spoke with your professor. It only took a few minutes to have your questions about a class project answered before the pair of you were on your way.

"I didn't mind at first because I realized I wasn't that into him anyways, but it kinda destroyed my self-esteem. It's like I'm only worth what I can give. But I don't want to give myself so freely, especially not just to anyone..."

Leona sensed your shift in mood as you started to grow quiet, taking notice of your slightly hunched shoulders and downturned lips.

"If a guy is only concerned about what will make him satisfied, then he's not worth your time," Leona answered without hesitation. "Relationships are a two-way street. If you're asking me, he helped you dodge his own bullet."

"But do I really mean that little? Just because I don't tell them yes, I'm as good as nothing...?"

"Oi, Herbivore."

Leona stopped in his tracks, placing his hands on your shoulders. You raised your head up to meet his gaze, and the hurt in your eyes wounded him more than any injured pride of his ever could.

"Your worth is not dependent on anyone. People will look down on you and take advantage of you whenever they can, but that's just how people are." A brief wave of sadness flashed in Leona's eyes as if he were recalling something from his own experience. "You're the smartest, prettiest, and most kind-hearted person out of everyone that I know. If some idiot makes you doubt that, tell me. I'll make sure to set him straight."

"Leona..."

Your heart stirred in your chest. You knew from the look in his eyes that he meant every word. And words--genuine ones--often proved hard for him to say out loud. But he'd tried his best for you; you were the only one who could see him for who he truly was, not the uncaring façade he fooled others with.

"You could say that I'm able to relate with your situation. I'm not dealing with romance troubles, but people view me the same way. I may just be a second son, but I'm a prince nonetheless. I've seen time and time again how people try to leech off my name and fortune." Leona scoffed, holding back any further heated insults on his tongue. "When they find out I'm not willing to do them any favors, suddenly my existence doesn't matter to them anymore. They want me to be a pawn in their game, but I'm not about to give up my crown for anyone. I'm the king on the chess board, and they're simply the knights doing my bidding."

"I'm sorry that people treat you that way, Leona."

"But that's my point. They don't care about me as a person, but you," Leona lifted a hand to your cheek, his thumb gently brushing against your skin, "you've always seen the person underneath. You're a one-of-a-kind, and that's exactly why you shouldn't let some worthless idiots tell you otherwise."

You smiled, leaning into his warm palm. "You always know how to comfort me. Thank you."

"It's the truth. You don't need to thank me for it."

"There is something I'd like to say though, if you don't mind."

"Mmm. What is it?"

"Um..."

You let Leona take your hand in his, fingers interlocking. You felt his thumb rub against your knuckles, and the gesture helped soothe your anxiety.

"This is my first relationship, as you know. I get kinda nervous thinking about doing more intimate stuff like kissing and cuddling. It's not that I don't want to, but after those guys confessed to me and I didn't return the same level of interest, I sort of got an aversion to all that kind of stuff. I've just had bad experiences, and I'm an anxious person, so if it's okay with you, I'd like to take it slow..."

Leona propped his free hand on his hip, giving you a small smile. "Have you really been worried about asking me this?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"Too long."

Leona sighed softly before outstretching his hand, asking to hold your other one. When you obliged, he gave them a squeeze of reassurance.

"Of course we can take it slow, but you shouldn't have to ask me for permission. Like I said, relationships go both ways. I'll never do something that makes you uncomfortable."

You exhaled the breath you'd been holding, a relieved smile appearing on your face. "You're right. Thank you."

"I was hoping to take it slow, too. I'm not accustomed to being all lovey and stuff, and I don't know if I'm any good at it. I imagine it'd be too much whiplash for you anyways if I suddenly started clinging onto you constantly."

You broke into a fit of laughter, and Leona couldn't help but join you. "Yeah. I'm not sure how Jack and Ruggie would be able to handle you acting like a lovestruck fool, either."

"Tch, as if I'd ever let them see me when I'm sappy."

"But you've been sappy around them plenty of times."

"I think your memory is a little hazy, Herbivore."

"Mhmm. Sure."

"Hey, Leona, [Name], you better hurry if you don't want all the deluxe menchi katsu sandwiches to be snatched up!"

You and Leona turned your attention to Deuce and Ace who stood at the other end of the hallway, hurriedly waving at you to follow them. You figured that they must have just finished getting scolded by one of their teachers if they weren't already downstairs devouring their lunches

You squeezed Leona's hand, sending him a playful grin. "They're right. We should head over to the cafeteria so you can get your sandwich. I know how insufferable you can be when you haven't eaten your favorite food for lunch."

"You're calling me insufferable?"

"You don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end of your complaints."

Leona rolled his eyes, but his grip never loosened on your hand as the two of you joined Deuce and Ace. With your laughter and conversations filling the air, all your previous worries began to dissipate. Now, your current concern was if you would still be able to buy one of those delectable strawberry tarts. Even though there might not be any left, you were sure Leona would be willing to pull a few strings in order to get you one. You just might have to strike up a deal with him first.

Perhaps a kiss in return would suffice. Just one. You'd need to save more for favors in the future...

[gray-ace-space]

So, sorry if this is the wrong kind of thing to share with you but,,,

Will preface by saying I'm a twenty-something adult--

I'm gray-ace, I've known this for a while, despite being a virgin (and god the way that confuses allos. "How do you know if you've never-" fuck off Janet, I just know okay).

I just don't have much of a libido, don't experience sexual attraction much. Im chill with reading smut, fantasizing, whatever. Basically my sexuality is best explained as "well sex is great in theory but not sure about in practice."

So... to the point of this ask. I had a sexual encounter, completely consented, was with a trusted individual that knows I'm gray-ace and inexperienced. No penetration, just more than I've done before. And it was... fine? Like that sounds bad, but I mean at the time I was totally chill and even giddy, but now, a few days later, I'm stressing about it. Like I can't stop thinking about it and I can't discern how I'm feeling about it (aside from fyucking confused). Like I feel awkward and disjointed, and... I dunno. It's hard to explain.

Basically I'm just trying to find out if anyone else has ever experienced this? Like an *off* feeling a while after-the-fact, even though everything was totally consensual and fun in the moment. Because I can't help but feel like this Isn't Normal. And if there's any advice anyone has I'd love to hear it.

hi. i have not experienced this exact thing, but something similar.

for me, i haven't done anything concretely sexual irl, but since beginning to date my current (long distance) partner, i have been sexting a lot more than before, and for the first time i actually do it for fun and not because i'm pressured into it. mostly it's been working out great! but i do sometimes have this like. feeling of being unsettled after, even if in the moment everything was fine and good. not like, days after, but like, a couple hours after.

interestingly, for me that feeling is not limited to sexual encounters. it happens after non-sexual interactions with people too. basically, i used to have really bad social anxiety, like i couldn't be social at all, i couldn't hang out with people without being terrified the whole time. i don't have that anymore, but it comes out in other ways. oftentimes i will spend time with someone, and have like, so much fun and feel a genuine connection. but then immediately after, when i'm alone again, i suddenly just crash. like, i feel so depressed and alone and like i want to die. i feel like i should never talk to anyone again. but then the feeling goes away and i'm like, wtf was that about. honestly i still haven't fully figured out why it happens.

my one guess (and take this all with a grain of salt cause i don't know you or your life) is that you were vulnerable. you went out of your comfort zone. and in the moment, you were too busy having fun and being with the other person to really notice. but now you have space to think about it, to sit with yourself, and you're realizing it was important to you. you're realizing you took a big step. that's scary! it's confusing! and that feeling is not your enemy; it's telling you something. you just need to figure out what that something is, because it might be something important.

good luck! if you wanna talk about it more, i'm here. and if anyone else has advice or similar experiences, pls add on

[queencaramilflinda]

Can I ask why you're a shriek week hater? Genuinely curious! I never watched it

Ok so I am putting this below a cut in case anyone doesn't want to look at discourse which is completely understandable. Also this got kinda long oops

Shriek week... where do I begin? Since you haven't seen the season, let me step back and explain the premise. Shriek Week was a season set at a university for monsters, DM'd by Gabe Hicks. It used a system made by Gabe called the Mythic System. Each PC (Ally Beardsley, Lily Du, Ify Nwadiwe and Dani Fernandez) plays a student at the school for monsters.

I should also preface by saying I havent seen the season since it came out years ago so this is all based on my best memory and posts about the situation

The plot. It is said in the adventuring party that the original premise for this season was for it to be a straight up and down dating sim style game, but that Gabe decided to go another direction between episodes 1&2, which means that the plot was clearly scraped together extremely last minute and is generally nonsensical. It involves clones and an evil plant and a bunch of other stuff, it's just kind of bad. The fact that the plot was shoe-horned in last minute also really effects the pacing of the season, because it was only 4 episodes long and only ever originally supposed to be a fun and quirky dating sim game.

The rail-roading. This problem is deeply connected to the previous point. I havent seen Gabe in literally anything else so in no way am I making any statement about his abilities as a DM, and I am not the type to throw the phrase rail-roading around willy-nilly. The thing is, that because the clones and evil plant monster plot got thrown in so last minute with so little time to be resolved, it a little bit took away player agency, with players consistently attempting/asking to do things only to be told no, and instead led down a very particular path. Usually I am very forgiving of this sort of behavior as DMing is very hard and it can be easy for players to get distracted from the plot at hand... however the players were brought into this game under the pretense that it would be rom-com in genre, not plot heavy. So it kind of makes sense for them to be confused and not on board with the plot that they didn't know to expect.

Terry Talbo. Ok this maybe a me thing, because I do not particularly like Ify Nwadiwe in general, but the way he plays his character Terry Talbo has always made me uncomfortable. To quote a post I made several months ago " Ify plays his character as being kind of pushy towards women, not taking no as an answer when asking them out, and generally being toxically masculine in a way that was not criticized by the narrative or even really the players at all." A scene that distinctly sticks out in my head as both bad manners and bad gameplay is when Terry attempts to ask out a woman at the gym, and rolls low on his check. As a result, the woman says no. Instead of backing off like a normal person Terry doubles down and insists on rolling at least one or two more times to try again, and eventually the lady relents and agrees to go on a date with him. It all just felt icky, and it was not just a one time occurrence.

The cast. (This may also just be a me thing). Each member of that cast individually are deeply funny and talented individuals. However the majority of them did not know each other and the chemistry of the group was way off and did not pass the vibe check to me. One of my favorite things about actual play shows is the secondhand feeling you get of being in a friend group and playing dnd. Shriek Week did not have this, which reduced my enjoyment.

The University Setting. I am putting this last because it's such a small complaint comparatively speaking, but the seasons that came immediately before Shriek Week were The Seven and Misfits and Magic. It was the third season in a row to take place in a school as one of its primary locations, and I think im not the only one who was feeling burned out of this premise by this point.

This is what I have off the top of my head without fact checking anything, so I apologize if I am missing something major or am incorrect about any of the details! I love d20, and while Shriek Week was not for me, it has in not in anyway impacted my devotion for the show.

[bucketofchum]

Foster Bros AU Atumu gets a girlfriend at age 22-ish? Maybe older. Maybe 25. She's respectful so she hasn't tried to push his boundaries (he's still aroace but she's a nice person - one of the few nice people he has met in his life), so they haven't ever done anything beyond cuddling before. She's older than he is. A lot of emotional intelligence. More content with under the cut (lots of SA trigger warning)

I think this is after she had met Startop and Startop acts like a total dick bc he's jealous. Atumu tries to defend his foster brother for his behaviour. After all, Startop is the only other human being who has ever been kind to him and genuinely cared for him as a person.

Atumu casually alludes to some bad shit that happened, but he seems emotionally okay with it. Doesn't go into detail but he just mentions it. Like some bad shit happened, but it's bc he's got this deformed body. And Alice is like ?? Bc she has seen Atumu in basically his underwear and he looks fine to her. He looks FINE to her haha. Anyhow he shrugs it off like it's no biggie but she is actually curious. Will be tell her? They've been dating for, idk, like, 2 years now at this point? (Atumu doesn't really know what a relationship is so I guess he doesn't know how long they have been dating. He doesn't even know what dating is).

Atumu is intersex. He doesn't really know what it is, and he doesn't know much about it. But he knows there is something physically "wrong" with him, and that's probably why all the Bad Stuff happened. He has experienced REPEATED sexual assaults, in almost every stage of his life. Early childhood (before 8 years old - but he has no memory of that, age 12 at boarding school from a group of older boys - really fucking traumatic, age 15 when he went to a private university - first week getting drugged and date raped by a bunch of upperclassmen, and 15-18 all throughout his entire undergraduate experience just because he didn't understand boundaries and didn't KNOW he was allowed to say no). By the time he was 18, in his last year in university, he was so emotionally vacant and dissociative and had basically zero will to live. He said no for the first time in his life. And kept saying no. And hadn't had sex since.

Now, some 4-6 years later, it has been a while since he has had any sexual experiences and it's....nice. He has never wanted sex. He was already asexual before the sexual assaults, and afterwards...? He has a hard time distinguishing the difference between sex and rape. Because he has NEVER wanted it. It's all the same to him.

But the kind of tragic thing is that he has sort of internalized it to be...his fault? Like the REASON he was raped was bc of his body. He's got this fucked up body - that's why he was raped. That's why all those horrible things happened to him repeatedly. And this is what he gets for having a fucked up body.

Alice can't imagine what he's talking about since he's so fucking vague about it. He never told her about the rapes, but his vague ass language gave her some idea that he might have been SA'd. But deformed? She's seen almost all of him and the only thing that seemed strange, besides how tall and thin he is, were his large scars across his back. But he has already told her that he doesn't know what those are from (that happened before he was 8 years old, which he has no living memory of).

So she asks to see. Atumu still doesn't know why anyone would want to see his genitals. He thinks all genitals are kinda........ blegh. And his in particular are even more messed up. So he gives her a warning. She still wants to see.

He does eventually show her and.....it sort of all makes sense. Why he'd say that sort of thing. Why he'd think that. He has a penis, like normal - well, I mean not that normal cuz it's MmMmmm..hmmm we will just say more than proportional ... Hm okay no additional comment, but at the base of it, it connects to what looks like a fully formed vagina instead of a scrotum. It looks identical to any normal ciswoman's labia...just weirdly where the clit would be, Atumu instead has his penis. She has heard of "hermaphrodite" before but never knew it could be like this. (She'd spend the next few days furiously teaching herself about it on the internet).

Anyhow, in the moment, she asks if she can touch it. Atumu is uncomfortable, but he allows her to. She tries a bit, but based on Atumu's body language in response, she doesn't push it.

They don't mention it again for a while, but Alice thinks about it nonstop for like...the rest of her life.

[niuniente]

i don't remember if this is spoiling you or not, but giving the spike story line you said you watched i'm assuming i'm not. look i don't know why there is a discussion between spike and angel you know? angel loses his soul (because apparently the most happy he can ever be is when he has sex) and becomes this awful dude who does all that shit, because cool he is the soulless vampire now, his natural state as a vampire and as such his real self at the moment. NOW spike... spike never once gained his soul back he is a vampire in its natural state he is a better person than angel. Not saying he didn't do shitty things, both do, but given that spike doesn't need to be cursed to act decently... i mean.

I've gotten an impression (like, always, really) that Spike is a good boy. Does bad things, that's what vampires are, but he still hasn't somehow lost his humanity and its softer side (and he seems to be also a sappy romantic).

I haven't gotten to the part where he and Buffy are a couple and I'm kind of curious to see how they write that, because the whole 3 seasons the series has been rubbing onto your face "Angel, Angel, Angel, Buffy can't think or be with anyone else, this is a destiny for both of them" (and I suspect that's where the Spike and Buffy romance also dies to).

IF I was mean I would say that you can tell that this series is created by a man from some weird choices. Like Angel being happy only when he gets an orgasm. Geez, what's all the dates and romantic nights and make outs with Buffy then, or his deep love confessions before the orgasm? A prolonged foreplay? A man can feel a true happiness in any other way than through sex?

In that sense I do agree with you on Spike. His love and dedication is genuine, whereas Angel - like you said - needs to have his soul back OR to be cursed to be able to love and be dedicated. (That could lead to an interesting discussion and meta of how different people react and cope to them becoming vampires).

I'm sure I'll have more thoughts as I progress in the series.

P.S. I also want to adopt Willow!