#like not all eds are about body image and some lead to weight gain not loss

[w1shb0n3z]

Alright, so hear me out

(this is another long one. Like. Seriously. It has 2.6k words.)

*yes, I edited this like 5 mins after I posted it just to add some more, oops

Post cannon Labru where Laios tries to help Kabru regain weight

TW: ED, Body Dysmorphia, Fat-phobia, Gender Dysphoria

It turns out to he a huge body image thing. Like Kabru develops a bit of an ED after he gains his weight back and tries to stay "the perfect weight" and major body dysmorphia. But! It's very sweet because hand feeding, of course, and self-acceptance.

I imagine Kabru's blue eyes get brought up when Laios is like "oh, you don't like that about yourself? :( you're so wonderful! What else could you possibly not like! Surely not those eyes ^^" or something

Plus! I'm 98% sure that Laios gains some weight post cannon, so his wrestler build gets softer, which, yay! We love that here! But this comes with its positives and negatives. (Dont he scared by how big the negative paragraph is)

Positive: Kabru has an example of having a healthy relationship with yourself and your body

Negatives (and hold on) TW btw: at a certain point of Kabru's weight gain/ body acceptance journey, where he gets obsessed with keeping "the perfect body" and does everything in his power not to gain anymore, his own twisted view of himself spills over to Laios. He starts to view Laios as a sort of slob or careless person because he gained weight after the dungeon and gained an extra 5-ish pounds while helping Kabru gain. Because Laios can and will encourage Kabru to eat by eating with him with a smile on his face.

What if someone finds out about Kabru's purging?

Yes, Kabru has purged a few times while he was at his lowest. And no, Laios doesn't catch him in the act. He doesn't know until someone tells him about it. Kabru just keeps it to himself with a tinge of guilt. Someone else finds out. I can't decide who yet, but if it were:

Chilchuck - he'd be familiar with his topic because one of his daughters went through the same thing. He keeps secret as per Kabru's request but gives to Kabru straight. He tells him vomiting hat much rots your teeth and only has negative impacts in the future. With Chil being big and tall for his race's standards and him canonically watching his own weight, he talks Kabru through this whole body image thing. Maybe not in the exact way Kabru wants, but in the way he needs

Senshi - he's SO against this. He tries to father Kabru, but his own lack of understanding for why Labru feels this way gets in the way of progress. He urges Kabru to eat and tells Laios what's goin on in hopes of figuring out what all of this is about, accidentally spilling the beans and leading to conflict between Laios and Kabru

Marcille - she doesn't really get the ED thing, but she gets not liking your body (since she never fit in with her "age group" while growing up and wished she physically presented like them). She also tells Kabru that throwing up rots his teeth and says it's bad for your mana and junk. Shes very offput by this whole thing, but she tries. She doesn't tell Laios...on purpose. (Falin also finds out becuase the guilt Marcille has from telling that secret ears her alive)

Falin - my girl does NOT understand. But she's here to empathize. She ends up being huge in Kabru's healing journey. She tries to check in on bim every now and then and uses her own transformation to promote body acceptance

Izutsumi - she doesn't know what to do. She's 17 goddamn it. So when she hears Kabru throwing up she just assumes he's sick, but when she keeps hearing it she gets a little stressed about him. She goes "he's just weird" and mentions it in conversation to someone else, most likely Marcille (which probably led to Marcille finding out in the earlier paragraph)

Mickbell...somehow - is like "dude wtf" and tells Rin about it since he knows there close. He's worried, yeah, but he doesn't think its really his problem. Especially since the two fo them aren't close like that.

Kuro - he finds out and tells Rin as well, he also tells Kabru that he looks fine. He mentions it to Mickbell, yeah, but in a "Will he be okay? :(" way

Rin - devastated. She initially gives Kabru a hard talk...which makes him worse, but hey! She tried. Rin then thinks its becuase of the shame of dying many times and tries to comfort Kabru again. Doesn't work. She tries to get him to eat the things he likes. He eats them, but she can sense the guilt from Kabru. They then have a heart to heart becuase Rin can't stand to see her best friend suffer like this and assures him that he looks fine as often as he needs

Holm - he takes a simular approach as Falin but gets a little more involved. He understands it on paper, but can't image what actually having these issues is like. Yes, he also informs Rin and is the one that told her to try to speak to Kabru in a less...prickly manner about this touchy subject

Daya - She doesnt realise what Kabru was trying to achieve by puking. So she just advises him not to do so and tells Rin about the strange behavior.

How does this affect non-platonic Labru?

Easy!

Well for starters! If they were boning before, they aren't now LMAO

Partly because of Kabru's own body image being trash and his attraction to Laios (temporarily) going to shit after Laios gained some weight to encourage Kabru. Damn that internalized fat-phobia. Neither one of them seems to have a clue what's going on. Let word, seems.

Kabru knows his view of Laios just isn't the same, but he doesn't let it be known that he's aware of this.

Does he feel bad? Yeah. But he only feels bad because he doesn't feel bad. He feels as though he's a shitty boyfriend for harboring such disgust for his partner's figure

Laios catches Kabru stealing glances at himself in the mirror. Staring just a little too long. Laios deduces that Kabru's feeling a little self-conscious after some hard thought.

So, of course, he makes sure to be extra careful about his words. He'd totally be like that one meme (which I can't find) that goes: "damn girl, that ass is wide" "what??" "I didn't want to say fat and trigger your eating disorders :/"

Plus, on the not boning thing, they're busy. You got a king and his advisor, they're not gonna be cranking it up every night! They simply sleep together, in a literal sense most nights anyways, so more sleep isn't anything bad

Additionally, I don't believe Laios has a high sex drive at all. (I personally think he's on the asexual spectrum, maybe because I'm ace, but still)

Kabru won't initiate a thing at the moment, it's up to Laio's sporadic desires to get things going. (It never gets going)

What if Laios discovers Kabru's feelings towards him and the purging?

He's hurt, simply put. He can't understand why Kabru dislikes his body, Laios can't understand why his own body would be such a turn off now.

In the non-platonic vers Laios tries to become "sexy" again. ....He fails horribly and ends up making a fool out if himself. At first he's like, "well monsters do this to attract mates" right after he feels as though he needs to inprove upon himself. Then he goes "no... Kabru isnt a monster, and im not either (unfortunately)"

He pushes that silly thought aside and tries to find out *why* Kabru is turned off by his looks now. His face? No.. His hair? Just got it cut. His figure? ...but why?

Laios goes right up to Kabru and confronts him about it. Kabru being the slippery bitch that he is denies it and goes "lol wtf haha! I luv u bae and there's nothing wrong with u!! ur so sexy and hot haha..."

This, inevitably, confused the shit out of Laios and he asks for honesty. Kabrus actions aren't exactly aligning with his words, and something needs to he done.

[Okay, let's be real here. If Kabru didn't want Laios to know how he felt, Laios' ass would NOT know lmao. This is just for the bit]

Now the purging? Laios is like "dude what? :(" he doesn't understand it. Nope. Not at all. He tires to he supportive, but he really doesn't know what to do with this. It's not like there's a bulimia monster, so he has no real frame of reference.

He's all "but you look fine how you are :(" and "I like the weight on you!" or even "did you know that [this species of monster] finds fat attractive? ,:D"

He means so so well, and Karbu knows it. Laios really is just a dog of a man.

Laios also tries to get Kabru to promise to stop. We know how that went. Karbu agreeing just to do it behind Laios' back because he knows Laios won't find out. He'll cut back on it, yeah, but he has his weak moments.

Eventually, Laios makes sure to only have Kabru serve his favorite meals. That should keep him from puking it up! And Karbu stops after a while. But only because his health is on the decline.

What else?

Two words: hand. feeding.

Kabru throws up? He gets his favorite meals so he won't. Kabru keeps checking his figure? Less mirrors in the caslte and more compliments. Kabru not eating enough or skipping meals? Simple. Laios makes sure he eats.

And how? A little less of Laios sensually slipping a fork full of decedent chocolate cake past Kabru's lips and a little more than a simple "here comes the airplane"

It starts off as Laios seeing Kabru taking smaller bites and being like "oh! Let me show you how to fill your fork! ^^" and then him taking Kabru's fork, impaling a bunch of assorted foods onto said fork, then handing it back to Kabru.

Then it sort of devolved (...evolved?) Into Kabru begrudgingly letting Laios feed him like a toddler while no one else ot looking. My boy Kabru does NOT know how to say no to this autistic man properly.

Laios was like "would it help if I just fed you?" And karbu replied something like "haha! It just might!" And of course Laios did not pick up on that God level sarcasm and went "cool, Let's try it then" and Kabru, wanting to appease Laios said "cool!". Bro was punching air.

(Yes, Laios said stuff like "good job buddy!" "You're doing so well!" "Its tasty, right?" Almost every bite)

In the non-platonic world, Laios would have Karbu sit ever so close to him as he was fed, maybe even in his lap. And of course Karbu would get a peck on the cheek after every bite. And the whole process may or may not turn Laios on. Especially when they're dining on monster. Whoops.

....anything else?

This all ties in with the absurd standards that was set for Karbu and the insecurities he hides within himself.

The whole blue-eye-spawn-of-a-demon thing was already enough for him. But being raised by that moody ass elf was a whole nother thing.

Milsiril, his adoptive elf mom, raises children like she has a monopoly in daycares. She's a serial foster fr. All them damn kids. Raising them like pets becuase you want something to love and depend on you. (I love Milsiril btw)

Anyways.

Kabru was his mom's favorite since his features were unique. Im talkin big bright blue eyes contrasting with rich dark skin, in particular. Plus, he was so sociable! All of his siblings looked up to him in one way or another. He was the star child.

And, you know that thing about elves being twinks, right? When ever Milsiril would check up on Karbu's health, she would use this old elven chart depicting the "average/desirable/suggested" height, weight, and muscle tone for diffrent short-lived races at diffrent ages/stages of life.

Safe to say these charts and texts were based off of elven standards, so everyone was thought to be slimmer, lighter, and more toned than normal. Plus, they're old lol. Instead of updating her charts and buying some from the diffrent cultures and races, she keeps her old one becuase she legit just forgets to replace it and hasn't had any "major problems" while raising her kids with that information so she doesn't think to change it.

What in trying to say is!

Kabru was raised with unrealistic body goals, and when he used to deviate from those arbitrary statistics during childhood he'd be put on diets and stuff.

Also, What if Kabru was transmasc?

Especially when he was a teen, even gaining a little wait made him go nuts. He couldn't get the words "unhealthy" out of his head and started associating it with the word "fat". His mind likes to play tricks on him when he's in the mirror. Exaggerating his figure and making him panic.

So! When he was sick and tired after that weird ass dungeon trip that changed his whole world and he came back to find himself thin as a pin, he tweaked.

He logically hated it because it was unhealthy, but a part of him was satisfied. With the added stress of becoming a Kings advisor, he started to crack under the pressure, manifesting in an obsession with himself. When he started to gain weight back he was brought right back to those check ups he had with Milsiril and those 2, maybe 3 times he was put onto diets in his youth. He really feared he was getting fat and he would just stare into the mirror and feel his flesh beneath his fingertips, searching for some sort of confirmation. All he felt was a bit of a squish, a bit of a give, and that's all he needed.

It was too much for him. His body was wrecked in his eyes. He's supposed to he fit and lean and thin and perfect. How could that be perfect? He looks in the mirror in his private study, wasting the time he could've been spending planning new city infrastructure or working out the kinks in trade. But no. He's here, in his dimly lit room, looking at how imperfect he's become in his eyes. How unhealthy he is his mom's eyes. How disgusting he is in his birth mothers eyes.

He had to fix it. The wound rubs deep, dar past the dermis. And, I guess, much like other wounds that cut a chasm into the skin, you don't really feel it once it severs your nerves. You don't really notice until you see the big, gaping, bleeding, notch where you used to be.

Lol anyways

Whoo boy. He is in hell. He feels like gaining weight makes him look "softer" and more feminine. He hates it, yes. But he tries his best not to let it effect his wardrobe. This whole weight journey really rehydrated his gender dysphoria.

He's used to looking a little androgynous, but with his new weight going to his stomach, hips, and thighs, he just feels as though his silhouette is becoming more girly.

Kabru is found training and working out more. Anything to get his body more boxy again.

He spends more time making sure he looks presentable. Even waking up a little earlier to ensure he vouge cover ready. (Well, I mean, as vouge ready as perpetual business casual can be)

And how does it end?

It takes some time, but Kabru heals. He's 10 pounds heavier than when we were first introduced to him, but he doesn't mind anymore.

It was a long journey full of all sorts of denail and shame, but he got there.

He's still the Light Yagami coded perfect chivalrous boy. He always has been. And Laios loves him all the same. Platonically or not.

Laios was essential in Karbu learning to let go of those impossible ideal and unreachable standards. Laios does not give a fuck afterall, he thinks all human bodies are unintresting beautiful! That dude does not judge. Rember him talking about the orc women in one of the monster tidbit sections? He's about body acceptance and neutrality.

Kabru grew to love his body, not just tolderate it or like it because someone else does. And if it tickles you, he liked the extra pounds Laios gained in the end, too. And if you're here for non-platonic Labru, then Laios may have became a bit of a feeder and has a tiiiiny food kink. Plus, Laios is a huge fan of the squish and Kabru likes how warm Laios is.

I just want to add this in here, also hecuase ive seen it before and i agree, but Laios seems like the type to give dutch ovens. He shows love like a big brother and its horrible (affectionate). This passes Karbu off SO BAD and it's hilarious. He has to sit down and have a very direct and serious talk about "getting too comfortable". And Laios would sit there the entire time like a sad dog and nod along.

Kabru and Laios also wrestle. No debate. They do it to spar, Laios does it for fun, Kabru does it to make Laios shut up. It's great!

Sorry this took so long lmao,, I legit just kept forgetting to write this

This was just word vomit. I've lost the plot somewhere along the way, I fear

[cyanide-latte]

Get To Know My TWST OCs pt. 4

Ilias & Kallisto, Chrysanthos's Parents (an infodump)

💫💫💫

Figured maybe doing a series of posts like this would help friends and mutuals get to know my OCs better!

Part 1: What Are They Twisted From? | Part 2: What Nicknames Do They Have? | Part 3: Copper's Backstory

This one got a little bit lengthy so I made it all bullet points

Kallisto Shroud, -nee Euphemia

Gorgeous. Plus-sized from a young age, often leading to her being bullied by peers. Even when she tried everything she could to lose weight and slim down, she was still plus-sized compared to other girls.

To try to overcome this, she became a party girl in middle school

You want someone to throw a party? Kallisto will do it and she'll make it so cool and memorable!

Despite her hopes however, while this did make her somewhat popular, she didn't actually gain any true friendships from it

She developed her Signature Spell/Unique Magic to try to help with this. It's called "Life of the Party", and it allows her to push feelings of positivity, euphoria and excitement into other people around her within a certain radius

Again however, this only served to bolster her popularity and reputation as the girl you want at parties, but she still found herself bullied and rejected by the people she most wanted to be friends with

This followed with her as she entered a co-ed arcane academy

Lost what few friendships she did have because she kept chasing superficial acceptance

Eventually the "party girl" reputation caught up with her in her junior year, and at a harsh disciplinary meeting with the headmistress and her parents, Kallisto was told to shape up her act or she would be expelled

She agreed and spent the majority of the year focused on her studies and coursework

Developed an interest in the complex relations between humans and the fae people and made that her focus of study

Started dressing as unflatteringly as she could, hoping that if she looked mousy and blended into the background she would be left alone

Saw a counselor who helped her through that lonely senior year and told her she had no self-confidence and a self-image she needed to work on healing

Kallisto wanted to pursue the studies of human-and-fae interactions and relations into higher education but has to do so on a more casual level, as she was needed to assist with her family's small business after she graduated

But word still got out about the fact she used to be great at throwing parties and has a SS/UM that can ensure guests at a party or event leave happy

She was approached to work as an event planner and would have turned it down if it weren't for all the money she was being offered. She accepted because she wanted to help her family

This led to her taking additional workshops and classes on party planning and event organizing on a professional level

It was during one of these events hosted by the Jupiter family where she was hired to help with the moods of the guests that she met Ilias Shroud

She spotted Ilias about to become the victim of a nasty prank and stepped in to help him out

Upon realizing Ilias was hot, Kallisto became a stammering, tongue-tied mess

The two ditched the party to go have a long conversation where Ilias pointed out some truths about her that made Kallisto uncomfortable but he did so in a gentle way and she realized he was confused about why she tried to hide who she was and was attempting to coax her into being genuine with him

They decided after that conversation to have a long-distance friendship. (This was easier on Kallisto's nerves as she could more confidently chat with Ilias through emails and IMs and on the phone instead of in-person)

Ilias was one of the only people to take a genuine interest in Kallisto's desire to study fae society, and encouraged her to keep pursuing it as a career path

He also made it a point to consistently remind her not to be ashamed of her body and to try to dress and carry herself in a way that was more confident and flattering to her natural figure

Kallisto began falling for him as a result of all of this (he was already hot but somehow he just got even more hot the more she spent time being his friend and falling in love with him)

The day she found out her feelings were reciprocated was the happiest day of her life, at least until the day they got engaged, and even that day wasn't as happy as their wedding day

She learned of S.T.Y.X. gradually during her friendship and romance with Ilias and though he told her several times what she would be getting into, she still chose him

She continues to work in both career paths as best as she can, both the event organizing and the fae liaison, even as she eventually helps Ilias to raise their son, Chrysanthos

Outgoing, happy personality. She's bursting with life and creativity, it practically comes off her in waves, and she's so infectious with positivity, the people around her can't help but smile

(her eyes are delphinium blue and Chrysanthos actually inherits her eye color!)

Ilias Shroud

Middle son of three brothers, easily the most pessimistic of them

A lot of this stems from his Signature Spell/Unique Magic, "Harbinger".

Harbinger developed early, when Ilias was still a child (around 9 years old.) It allows him to divine some insight on other people's fates, but also their suffering, their darkest thoughts and secrets, their soul, and other things.

The Shroud family takes this to mean the blood of the oracles from the Age of the Gods runs in their family line but Ilias is miserable. Harbinger is a huge weight on his shoulders and he cannot control how much information he gets from a person when he tries to divine their fate. He always gets more than he wanted to know or bargained for. Harbinger exacerbates blot accumulation and so the family learns quickly they shouldn't push him to constantly use the spell.

Ilias grows up very gloomy and desperate to find any kind of beauty in even the darkest things. (Yes he grows up goth, he's got the piercings, the wardrobe and all the angsty poetry he writes to prove it.)

Attended Night Raven College and hated every minute of it

Classmates constantly mispronounced his name as "eh-LIE-as", and trying to correct them (his name is pronounced "IL-lee-uhs", thank you,) only led to the nastier classmates nicknaming him "Mentally Ill-ias."

Never really fit in, was constantly ditching club activities, and when it came time for the senior year work-study he practically flew out of there. Anything to get away. Crowley all but had to drag him back by the ankles for formal events.

Ilias gets on track to join the Security, Control and Containment branch of S.T.Y.X. Security specifically is his preference and he's particularly good at monitoring various situations.

Not so much when it always comes to himself though, which is how an old tormentor of his from their school days (an RSA alumnus named Adonias) nearly succeeded in a nasty prank where he spiked Ilias's drink at an event hosted by the Jupiter family

His savior in that instance was Kallisto, who got flustered around him but also promptly offered to buy him a drink to replace it

The two spent hours conversing, during which he asked questions about why she presented herself the way she did, and she also asked questions about why he sees the world the way he does and what kind of sorrows and hurts he carries with him

He admits to wearing anti-magic accessories (they look like chains he wears around his neck) when she tells him that he was the only person not affected by her UM, and he in turn divulges a little about the nature of his own UM to her

Agreeing to be long-distance friends, Ilias leaves the encounter feeling perhaps a little lighter and more hopeful than he has in years

Over time he starts to divulge more about his life and what he can safely share about S.T.Y.X. with Kallisto without violating limitations from his job or putting her in danger

He continues to support her dreams and hopes, and watches from a distance as she grows confident in herself and her body, and he falls head-over-heels during the course of time

This leads to Ilias allowing more of his poetic side to show as he talks with her, often in an attempt to either cheer her up or because he's trying to woo her without directly saying so

Eventually Kallisto confesses her feelings for him (it slips out on accident) and he immediately confesses his own feelings back to her

They start going on dates whenever possible, but they've been friends long enough and are comfortable enough that a proposal and engagement soon follow

During the time of their engagement, Ilias starts to worry and tries to reiterate to Kallisto what it means to marry him, how much she might be giving up in the process and what his family curse might mean for them and any children they have. He wants her to know and be absolutely sure of what she'll be getting into, and that if she wants to back out and call it off, she can.

Kallisto is undaunted and tells him that she chooses him, and that she's going to marry him because she chose him and everything that comes with him. Ilias weeps, feeling for the first time in his life that he can see a happier future.

He goes absolutely all-out to make sure their wedding and honeymoon are everything she wants and more. No expense should be spared for his bride.

Kallisto and, when he's born, their son Chrysanthos are Ilias's entire world. He would kill for them, he would die for them, he would live for them, he would thrive for them

He tends to come across as very eerie, unsettling and humorless in stark contrast to his wife, but he's largely gentle in nature and very thoughtful and aware of the people around him. Very loving and doting on his son and on his nephews, Idia and Ortho. Although he has a vicious temper if you even think about insulting or mocking his wife.

(he's also one of my only OCs I've picked a voice claim for, at least so far! Most people may not be into my favorite band ever, but that's okay, here's a cover of a song that features Ilias's VC, Ville Valo.)

He will not, in fact, turn down an opportunity to gush about Kallisto and tell anyone who is unfortunate enough to be nearby just how much he loves her and how perfect she is and that she's a goddess among women

Very reluctant to use his UM ever but can be persuaded to do so (you just need to sign all of these forms in triplicate first.) Refuses to use his UM on family members.

Anyway thank you for indulging my ramble about Chrys's parents, I love them to bits and pieces. I plan on posting more of the oneshots I've been working on for them.

Taglist: @blithesharem @elenauaurs @tixdixl @ramshacklerumble @inmateofthemind @simons-twsted-children @thehollowwriter @theleechyskrunkly @rainesol (let me know if you want to be added to the taglist for posts about my OCs!)

[dragonfly0808]

Something a Bit More Personal than Usual

So, I know I don’t get personal very often but lately I’ve been struggling a bit with something.

TW: If you don’t like talks about weight or body image (nothing ED realted just… skinny struggles).

So… I’ve always been skinny. When I was a toddler my family told me all the time that I was just skin and bones (my grandad used to joke a lot that I had ‘straw legs’.)

Tbh, I’ve never had problems with my weight or with food thankfully but lately… I have been struggling a bit.

I’ve always been underweight. Not to an unhealthy extent but it’s just the way my body works. No matter how I eat, I can’t really gain weight. And I have a very small appetite. (Which has actually gotten better like, my family used to get worry I never ate ‘enough’ despite rarely commenting on it and have told me they’re glad I’m eating more despite me not gaining any weight due to my increased appetite that some friends still think is under eating sometimes) Like, if I force myself to take two more bites once I’m full I feel like throwing up.

And lately… I guess I’ve been thinking a bit about my weight. Mostly cause I’ve had a few incidents where I feel faint or weak either because I skip a meal cause I don’t have time or cause I don’t have the most nutricious meals, it got to the point in which I did have to leave a lab practice in the middle of the lesson (I now make sure to try and have at least a small breakfast and a snack at school since I’ve found that’s what works best for me and my body).

Now, I don’t think I’m unnaturally skinny. Like, you can’t see my ribs or anything like that. It’s mostly my arms and my calfs since I do have slightly big thighs.

But lately it has been getting to me just a little bit.

Like, my jeans are always loose around my calfs and certain shirts just, don’t look the best cause the fabric hangs around my upper arms in a way I don’t love.

I don’t always like my pointy elbows/ankles and the way my clavicles show.

I don’t know… I guess I might just be having a bad month.

Cause, I don’t want to gain weight, mostly I just want to eat better and healthier so I don’t feel faint if I happen to skip one meal for whatever reason and if that leads me to gain a pound or two then oh well.

I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to get that off of my chest.

[h4vemercy]

Example of how chronic illness and eating disorders intertwine (my story)

TW: EDs, restricting , weight, addiction

In 2018, my restricted eating began when I developed IC (painful bladder syndrome) I was getting frequent and debilitating urinary tract infections. I had struggled with bulimia before in 2016, but had entered a relationship during 2017, which halted my ED because of new gained confidence within that relationship. I have always struggled with body image issues though.

Moving forward, within that relationship, I got diagnosed with IC, which would lead me to ER visits, pain killers, and missing a lot of work.

I was absolutely desperate to understand what was going on and researching absolutely everything to try to regain some normalcy.

Turns out, alot of the acidic, spicy foods, and caffeine were definitely not the cause, but they heightened all my symptoms, I couldn't even drink coffee anymore (which I needed badly to even get through work or have any kind of energy). During this time, I was working alot aswell and was determined to get my flares under control, so the restrictions of food were not a problem for me. I just wanted to get better.

Fast forward, I've pretty much eliminated most of my trigger foods, like salsa, spicy foods, lemonade (you get the idea) and even had tried Keto during that time with a coworker. All my efforts of trying to get my symptoms were under my control. I didn't even think about it until one day someone mentioned that I had lost weight. In my mind, I wasn't truly focusing on losing weight, I just knew I was working alot, in pain, and was working on my health. Stupid of me, I decided to step on the scale again (during my bulimia I often weigh checked also)

Turns out, I had lost well over 40lbs, making me at my lowest weight. After seeing the scale, it's like manipulated myself into thinking "well I have this illness now, the only benefit is that I might get skinny now" which was so naive and dumb of me to think, but I think I was also just trying to cope at the time.

I didn't have much control over my diagnosis, but within my ED, it gave me some control back. My restricted eating became almost like an OCD. I really did weight check everyday, read ingredients on food packages excessively, prided myself that I wasn't indulging in trigger foods. I ate once a day at work, and only snacked on plain foods.

Fast forward, I'm losing a lot of weight now.

Now it's not even about getting my diagnosis under control, this is all a full blown eating disorder and I'm obsessed with check the scale and staying thin. What provoked this even worse was people regularly at work commenting on my weight. "You've gotten so skinny" "you look different!"

It only reinforced my ED, if only they knew how detrimental it was for me to hear people commenting on my weight.

Fast forward alot later, the relationship I was in ended, I was cheated on badly and had to leave the house I was living in with him. It was hard for me since I was in this relationship for about 4 years. It was all very unexpected. I was traumatized. Now I have to try to get on with this new life without my partner.

I started living on my own now, and again, still working. Since the ending of that relationship shook me up so bad, I still continued with my ED, but even worse now, I had a drinking problem again. So on top of lacking nutrients in my body, I am also drinking heavily everyday without eating, going to work on no sleep, not eating food, and putting stress on my body beyond belief. I was self aware during all of this (mostly) I knew that I was self harming, but I didn't give much thought about how this behavior would effect me in the long haul.

Fast forward again, it's almost a year into ED and alcoholism. I'm living on my own still, and not eating, because I had anxiety using the kitchen with roommates. I kept granolas bars in my room and water. That was about it.

One day I wake up dizzy (like I often did) and stepped on the scale again ( like I did every day)

I was 110lbs. The smallest I've ever been in my life. I looked in the mirror, and I still felt ugly. Since I was restricting myself of sleep, food, nutrition, my skin was pale, I had terrible under eye wrinkles, my hair was thinning, and I had flabby skin. I didn't even care about myself anymore. I just wanted to die. I had so much brain fog, I didn't even feel real anymore. I was completely dissociating everyday. I told everyone "I feel like I died and went into purgatory"

Everyday was a living hell inside my mind and body. I didn't understand what was going on with me, but still, I kinda just accepted that I might die.

Fast forward, 2020, I meet someone, I'm drinking still, I'm not eating properly. And this person, ends up giving me mono (EBV)

I have never felt more sick in my life. I was in bed for a month. And I definitely had left work at this time. I basically was now unemployed and sick.

After EBV, everything changed. I have never felt the same, and now I deal with chronic EBV flares, and I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

Forever until this day, I am suffering the consequences of my eating disorder, because proper nutrition and mental health is so important, and I didn't take care of any of it.

I now deal with digestive problems, trouble metabolizing nutrients, fibromyalgia, pain, headaches, immune problems, ECT.

I am on the path of healing, and I eat everything my heart desires because food is a luxury and I appreciate being able to eat food now. I try to honour my body by feeding it food and water, nutrients, and being grateful.

I am now trying to seek a proper diagnosis for CPTSD because I haven't only suffered from Ed's and addiction but I had a chaotic childhood. Constantly in flight or fight mode. Constantly stressed, overworked, ext.

I suspect my CPTSD lead to immunity problems and my fibromyalgia.

Everything goes full circle.

[iskierka]

Body Image and Aziraphale, or, Violently Projecting My Issues Onto This Character The Way God Intended

In honor of my new URL, I wanted to get down some of my feelings around body image since I’ve been doing a lot of projecting onto Aziraphale recently. I want to talk about both why Aziraphale is one of my favorite (and one of the more positive examples of) fat characters, and why I still relate to him through the lens of my own issues.

First off, there are a few trigger warnings that could apply here, but mainly if you’ve struggled with an eating disorder or disordered eating or body image in general, even though this isn’t a graphic discussion or anything, this may not necessarily be something you want to read.

Having dealt with different eating disorders for ten or eleven years now, and body image issues for longer than that, fat characters are really important to me—but only when they’re treated well (by the production, not as necessarily the other characters). There’s obviously a big difference between how Aziraphale is portrayed and how, say, a character like Thor was portrayed in Endgame. Aziraphale is fat, but it isn’t in and of itself A Personality Trait. However, I don’t think it’s a purely physical trait either. In fact, him being fat reflects the good (if not Angelic Good) aspects of his character. Aziraphale enjoys the comforts and pleasures of earth, and his body is just a reflection of that. I see it as a reflection of his love for the world. And look: when Gabriel says “lose the gut” the implication is for Aziraphale to miracle himself into shape, right? What’s made clear here is that Aziraphale can change the way he looks at any time. I think this is to be expected, but it’s important in this context because it means Aziraphale likes that he’s soft. When he comes back with “I’m soft,” it’s a reflection of how he sees himself in a permanent sort of way. Physical softness is not an immutable trait for him, but of course Aziraphale is not talking only about his physical form. His whole being is soft. (Certainly, there are other aspects to his personality; Aziraphale is just enough of a bastard to be worth liking. But compared to the rest of the Host that we see: other angels are rigid in a way that he just isn’t.) Basically, what I see is this: one, part of what makes Aziraphale likable (his love for the world) goes hand in hand with his being fat, and two, Aziraphale has made a conscious choice to be fat.

So then, something else about me: I’ve always felt alienated from body positivity and fat activism. It doesn’t matter whether I’m a size 6 or 22, as someone who has spent—spends—quite a lot of their time genuinely hating their body, those spaces have always felt unwelcoming. My experiences with eating disorders have felt often unwelcome in the context of fat activism. (“Deal with your shit on your own time.”) I’m not able to muster enough Positivity to be a proper activist. So, it may seem odd that a character like this, one so at home and satisfied with being fat, has struck me so emotionally. There are a few reasons here that I see that make Aziraphale comforting rather than needling at these same insecurities. I believe that’s because how little attention the show pays to him being fat. It’s not something that’s really negative or positive in its portrayal. Sure, Gabriel makes that “lose the gut” comment, but it’s not something the audience is meant to side with him on. He’s the villain here, and it’s also meant to be a bit silly or absurd—maybe you could put it in with his disturbance at Aziraphale eating sushi, which shows how much closer to “being” human Aziraphale is than the other angels. And on the other hand, while I have kind of argued here that his fatness is put in a positive light, but I don’t think that’s an overt thing. (For most people watching casually, Aziraphale’s weight is irrelevant and nothing but a one-off joke.) And it isn’t only treated that way by the powers that be, Aziraphale himself, in calling himself soft, says that is integral to him in an absolutely natural way—it’s just part of who he is.

But here’s the thing: I’ve near read my way through the body image and eating disorder tags for Good Omens on AO3. One fic in particular where Aziraphale begins to develop an eating disorder, I’ve already read through four times.* Honestly, it is that normality of his fatness, the permanence of it and role in his own self-image, that make this whole genre (I suppose?) of fics hit so hard for me. For a lot of people including myself, EDs are a form of self-harm. So what makes stories where a character like Aziraphale struggles with issues like these so rending is that it would be a representation of a deeper unhappiness with the fundamental parts of who he is.

And maybe to a lot of people, it seems just a little bit this side of absurd still that he ever would.** But people with EDs often share certain personality traits. A few I recognize in Aziraphale’s character: a tendency towards (personal) harm avoidance, worry, and lack of emotional openness. I think there a few examples of each of these. First harm avoidance—besides just his general desire to avoid ending the world (this is much, much more tied to his love for it anyway), I think his reticence in his relationship with Crowley (“you go too fast for me”) shows this best. Their relationship is also likely the best example of his emotional barriers. (Sure, he isn’t cold like other angels, but nor is he open, and Aziraphale seems to desire that warmth and closeness from connection in a way that the rest of the Host do not.) There are many points where his tendency to over-worry comes across: thinking Crowley is asking for a suicide pill, after five centuries still worrying Heaven will care about the Arrangement—these come up over and over. Maybe it isn’t so unreasonable to think that some version of Aziraphale could fall into an ED. Look at it this way: you lose your only real anchor on earth, your trust in the goodness and rightness of Heaven is broken down, so you try some way to feel in control again, no matter how irrational. Another part of Aziraphale that I think speaks to this tendency to fall into this as a coping mechanism is his position as a protector, a guardian. He lives a role that is about serving and providing for others. When you have an identity constructed around providing comfort, security, and faith to others, it can feel very natural to turn to inwardly or personally destructive habits like EDs instead of reaching out or opening up to others. If you lose some fundamental outward belief, it often feels insurmountable to also reassess your perception of yourself (“lose faith in yourself”) and seek out support.***

I think part of the reason that Aziraphale is comfortable for me to project on here is that his body is established as something neutral-to-positive in canon, while being fat is something negative societally. His character doesn’t bring baggage, and so I think those of use who are fat or have struggled with body image see ourselves in him. For some people that means seeing a character able to be beyond societal pressures on the body, for others it means seeing a powerful character still able to fall into the same things we do and not be bad or weak because of it.

I’m stopping here for now and I know this is all pretty jumbled, but I’ve just been feeling like I need to get this down. It’s been nice to see some positivity about Aziraphale being fat, but sometimes it can be hard to see only positivity because I can’t relate to that. I’m really happy to be in a fandom again where there are characters who aren’t fit/skinny & I love reading all y’all’s fic and seeing fanart—it’s meant a lot. Also: if you too have fat Aziraphale feelings, pls pls come talk to me!!!

* link to that fic

** I know there are reasons why this seems weird re: story mechanics, but I don’t think it’s that hard to understand this plausibly within canon. I’ve got lots of ideas anyway :^)

*** I’m trying not to stray into headcanon territory here but I think it is important that any fic that deals with EDs doesn’t fall into a gets together with/receives affirmation from skinny partner and ED suddenly disappears trope. The reality is that EDs usually stick around after whatever crisis that might’ve triggered their development has passed.

[citrineghost]

Talking about disabled people

Why do abled people have literally no idea how to talk about disabled or chronically ill people? I don’t know but let me go over this for those of you who are abled and don’t understand

(For anyone using screen readers, the “abled person” lines have a red x next to them to indicate they’re not okay and the “disabled person” lines have a green check to indicate that they are okay)

(Also TW for ableism for all of the examples of what you shouldn’t be doing as well as fatphobia and body image for the section on stigmatizing appearance.)

Do not turn disabled people into inspiration porn.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: It’s so amazing that this disabled person has managed to get a job and get married even though they’re disabled and it must be really hard for them and all of the people around them

Why: You, as an abled person, are implying that it’s a miracle that a disabled person can have a happy life without being “normal”

✅ Disabled person: Seeing this other disabled person with a full time job and a love life makes me feel encouraged that I can be happy too despite my disabilities

Why: Disabled people often feel hopeless with their own disabilities because of the unhealthy perspective the abled world pushes regarding how disabled people must be miserable.

Do not mourn disabilities.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: This Youtuber I watch just came out about their disability. It’s just really sad. I can’t believe they’ve been dealing with this all without talking about it. They acted so happy all the time!

Why: Being disabled is not sad. We struggle with accessibility in a world that likes to marginalize us and that is the only sad thing about being disabled. Implying that it is sad that someone is disabled is to imply that you don’t believe they can achieve happiness or comfort because of it. The second part of this statement is problematic because it implies that disabled people can’t be happy or that because someone is presenting as happy that it must be a farce because disabled people are sad and miserable all the time, which is completely untrue.

✅ Disabled person: I just found out I have a lifelong disability and I’ve been having breakdowns about it for the last week because I’m afraid of what this means for me.

Why: Disabled people are allowed to mourn themselves and the struggles they face - because there are struggles to disability. However, this is different than when an abled person does so for many reasons, two of which I will cover.

The first reason is that disabled people are aware of the facets of their lives that may change. Someone with a degenerative disease may have to give up hiking or someone with a joint disorder may have to limit their knitting or drawing to save themselves from severe joint pain and inflammation. When abled people mourn disabilities, they are typically mourning perceived losses, which include things like romance, careers, and happiness, which are all things disabled people are perfectly capable of achieving. If you are friends with someone disabled, the only time you should be mourning their disability is if you are directing sympathy as a specific facet of it which they have brought up themselves before and which they have implied is acceptable to give sympathy for. This is something you’ll have to feel out with individuals because everyone is comfortable with different levels of sympathy and understanding about disability subject which may be touchy.

The second reason is that a large reason disabled people struggle on a day to day basis is due to inaccessibility and ableism that is only there due to an ableist society. For instance, a disabled person might find out they’re going blind and realize they will now have to learn to navigate a world where they can’t read signs without braille on them. They might find out they have become paralyzed from the waist down and will now have to use a wheelchair every time they’re out of the house, in a world where ramps and elevators are touch and go and where some places put illegal lock-and-key restrictions on elevators which can be dangerous for wheelchair users and physically disabled non-wheelchair users alike. As a disabled person, a large part of what looks like mourning disability is actually mourning their future of struggling with ableism. As an abled person, you don’t have any reason to mourn that. Instead, it is your job to fight for accessibility in any place you have influence.

Do not apply suffering to disabilities.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: I just found out my friend is suffering from autism.

❌ Abled person: Oh! I didn’t realize you were struggling with EDS.

❌ Abled person: Apparently my classmate has been fighting with chronic pain this whole time.

❌ Abled person: I talked with this guy who was confined to a wheelchair the other day.

Why: Disabilities do not inherently come with suffering. While many people do suffer from certain elements of their disabilities, it is not your place, as an abled person, to decide if that is the case for them. Saying that someone is suffering from whatever their disability is reinforces the idea that disabled people are weak, sickly, and miserable, which leads to other ideas like that our lives are inherently less valuable than abled people’s because all we do is sit around uselessly while we suffer.

In regard to the wheelchair example, specifically, this is a common issue. Abled people frequently refer to wheelchair users as being “confined” or some other equivalent. This is because abled people see a wheelchair as something that ruins mobility. They are comparing their own ability to walk on two legs all the time with no repercussions to what their life would be like if “confined” to a wheelchair. However, for those using wheelchairs, a wheelchair is actually improving their mobility. If someone is paralyzed, their use of a wheelchair makes it possible for them to leave bed and move around independently and leave the house when they otherwise might be unable to. For someone who has chronic fatigue or a heart condition or so on, using a wheelchair part time can make it possible to go out for long periods of time when they otherwise might not be able to stand for more than a few minutes without feeling faint or dizzy. Wheelchairs improve the lives of wheelchair users. If they were being “confined,” they wouldn’t be using them.

✅ Disabled person: I’m just really struggling with my EDS lately. I’ve been so inspired to draw, but my hands just won’t cooperate with me lately from the cold weather.

Why: Disabled people do struggle with some things regarding their disabilities. It is only natural that they will talk about these struggles when they are with someone they’re comfortable doing so around. This is usually a pinpointed struggle and not a blanket statement. Even if a disabled person makes a generalized statement about hating having a disability, it is well within their right to make that statement, while it is completely inappropriate for an abled person to make that comment for them.

Do not gatekeep or polarize the disabled experience.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: Our friend says she’s depressed, but I’m pretty sure she’s just saying it for attention. She seems fine whenever I see her.

Why: Mental illness is not the same for everyone. While one person with depression may be unable to drag themselves out of bed to get food, another person with depression might put on a full face of makeup and plaster on a smile every morning only to go home and collapse in bed at 4pm. They may feel completely empty the entire time they seem to be having fun. Or, if you can believe it, they might just be having fun. Depression is not “sad all the time” disorder. It’s deeper than that. If you can’t see evidence of the disorder someone has and you’re not A) their therapist or B) their doctor, mind your own business.

❌ Abled person: My classmate uses a wheelchair but I see him standing up out of it all the time. I don’t know who he’s trying to fool. He’s not sneaky.

Why: Wheelchair users do not always use a wheelchair because they are paralyzed or unable to stand or walk. Many people use wheelchairs because of physical weakness caused by disability, such as muscle atrophy, joint instability, or chronic pain that is worsened by walking or standing for more than short periods of time. There are also heart conditions such as POTS that make the heart rate go up by over 30 BPM by just standing, making the person suddenly feel lightheaded, risk passing out, or just plain exhausting them. Why a person uses a wheelchair is none of your business and it is not always as cut and dry as being completely unable to move without one. People who do not need wheelchairs do not use wheelchairs.

Do not stigmatize disability and physical appearance.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: It’s no wonder her joints hurt. It’s not a disorder, she just needs to lose weight.

Why: It is a common misconception that people struggle physically because of their weight. While this may be true in some cases, for those with disabilities, it is not. Abled people tend to get stuck thinking in the same direction. They think that weight is causing disabilities. In fact, it frequently goes the other direction. Disabilities often lead to weight gain. This can be caused by hormonal imbalances, muscle atrophy, and the inability to be as physically active as abled people. While people moralizing weight and being fatphobic is an issue in and on itself, it is especially dangerous and ableist when it leads to people’s disabilities being ignored, excused, or overlooked due to the way they look. This is a problem within the medical community especially, as doctor’s frequently won’t diagnose a disability unless their patient loses weight first to prove that the problem persists even when weighing less.

❌ Abled person: I would be depressed too if I was overweight and looked like her.

❌ Abled person: How can she be depressed? She’s gorgeous and has it all. How ungrateful can you be?

Why: Depression, as well as any other mental illness, is not cause or fixed by physical appearance. It is caused by trauma, pervading negative circumstance, or by an independent chemical imbalance in the brain that has not been caused by any environmental factors. Someone being attractive to someone else will not cure their depression. Their depression likely warps their sense of self worth anyway, so their appearance is irrelevant. A person being overweight or unattractive by your standards is not causing them depression unless they are being traumatized by fatphobia, to a degree that it is destroying their mental health. That’s not a problem with their appearance, it is a problem with fatphobes who see a person’s weight as determining their value.

❌ Abled person: She’s pretty but she’s crazy as hell.

Why: Aside from the obviously derogatory use of the word “crazy,” there is a lot wrong with this statement. The first thing is that it values a person based on her appearance and nothing else. The second thing is that it implies that her attractiveness is diminished because of a mental health issue. The third thing is that it implies her diminished attractiveness due to her mental health issue detracts from her overall value. People with mental health disorders can look like anyone else and their mental health does not take away from their value as a person.

Do not police disabled people’s self identifiers or labels.

Here’s the nuance:

❌ Abled person: You can’t call yourself a cripple, that’s an ableist slur.

Why: Disabled people can call themselves whatever they want to, actually. When someone uses a word considered a slur to self-identify, it is because they are reclaiming it. The same way Black people can call themselves the n word and white people cannot, the same way people can self identify as queer, disabled people are allowed to call themselves crippled, crazy, or any other previously condemned slur that they want to. Reclaiming slurs is a way to take away the power they have over people by those who wish to use them in a derogatory way.

❌ Abled person: No, we can’t go to that one amusement park. It has no accessibility options and my friend is crippled.

Why: The only time it is acceptable for an abled person to call a disabled person a slur, even one used as a self-identifier, is if that person has told them they can. Do not ever call your disabled friends by slurs, reclaimed or otherwise, unless you know for sure that they are okay with it. And do not ever call someone you don’t know by a slur even if you know another disabled person who has reclaimed it.

❌ Abled person: You shouldn’t call yourself an autistic person. We’re supposed to use person-first language.

Why: Person-first language (e.g. person with autism rather than autistic person) can be useful in some respects, but it is disregarded by many. If you are unsure if you should use person-first language, ask the individual you’re speaking to or about. For many, their disorder or disability is an important part of who they are and they prefer to use it as a self-identifier (e.g. wheelchair user, autistic person, disabled person, etc.) Whether you are abled or disabled, you do not have the right to take away a person’s self-identifiers, regardless of if the most popular, politically correct form of speech is different than what they use. 

With this particular form of speech (person-first language), I would also recommend refraining from correcting other abled people as well. It is not agreed-upon across the board by disabled people, so it isn’t worth pushing for unless the person you’re talking to is clearly making a habit of dehumanizing disabled people. (Though this last part is only my opinion and not a hard fact.)

❌ (red X) Disabled person: Don’t call yourself crazy. It’s a slur and I don’t like it.

Why: While it is completely fine for a disabled person to tell others not to refer to them by slurs, as they have not reclaimed them, it is inappropriate for a disabled person to tell other disabled people not to self-identify with reclaimed slurs. This kind of request takes away the other person’s agency in removing the power of that slur over themselves and attempts to insist that they should regard it as something with power. If you are disabled and are triggered by a certain slur that someone you know self-identifies with, try approaching it from a more explanatory angle. 

For example: I respect your choice to reclaim that word, but it’s something I am triggered by/uncomfortable with. Could you please try to avoid using it when I’m around? 

From then on, it is up to the person reclaiming the slur to decide if they are willing to compromise. If they are not willing to avoid using it around you, it is your responsibility to distance yourself from them rather than try to police their language, so long as they are not directing the slur at you to intentionally make you uncomfortable or try to police your language.

✅ Disabled person: I know that we are both mentally ill, but I am not comfortable with being called crazy like you are. Please don’t call me that.

Why: Policing someone else’s self-identifying language and asking them to respect your own self-identifying language is very different things. Every disabled person has the right to ask others not to use reclaimed slurs on them, as these words have a rocky past and many disabled people have been oppressed and traumatized with these words in their personal lives. You should always respect others’ boundaries and self-identifiers.

Thank you for taking the time to read and educate yourself on appropriate language when speaking about people with disabilities!

If you have questions, feel free to reblog or reply. If you are also disabled and disagree with any of what I said, or if you’d like to add something I missed, please let your own voice be heard as well. 

I encourage you to start reply chains instead of all reblogging separately, because with long chains of additions, it’s easier for people to see all of the important additions in one place. So, check out the notes and see if there are other points you agree with and want to include in your own reblog!

[hollandarling]

hey so you know that gif you posted about making tom mad?? could you write a lil blurb about that where you’re either trying to make him jealous on purpose or it just happens accidentally??

being a brat and getting THIS look??? oof you said LITTTLE bUt I couldnt stop alskdkdj I love this concept with my whole chest and did BOTH accidental and purposely so you’re in for a ride

((obv warnings for jealousy plus some sexual themes and swearing as per usual))

*********

“Harder! Faster! Give me all you got! Don’t go easy on me!”

Tom catches himself almost running around the corner of the gym’s wall at the man’s words—sneakers squeaking and all—coming to find you…boxing?

“Come on, push!”

You’re shifting your weight from one foot to the other, throwing sharp, loud hitting punches to a guy he’d never seen before, who, if you were asking his opinion, was far too into it.

You were glistening with sweat, in only a sports bra and a pair of spandex that Tom has never minded until this exact moment in time as he watches your “assets” bounce near some other dude’s face.

His jaw clenches. “Y/N,” he calls, voice anything but sweet, as he tries to grab your attention.

Your head whips around towards his direction, a big smile spreading across your face at the sight of your boyfriend and completely losing focus from your workout.

A pair of strong arms wrap around your body, forcibly pulling you flesh against them and into a headlock.

“See, this is what can happen when you let your guard down!” Your trainer teases, lightheartedly, but you know he’s got a point.

“Alright, alright. I tap out,” you half-choke while smacking his arm in three short bursts, getting released at the motion and feeling your lungs expand fully again.

You’re laughing, thanking your coach for a “wonderful” session, a descriptor that was not missed by Tom as he stood there with his blood boiling while you hand off your gloves—trying not to cause a scene in front of Mr. “Don’t let your guard down” after he blatantly pressed an arm into your chest and had your ass pressed against an area that he’d be lucky to keep after today.

You jog over to Tom, water bottle now in hand and you crash into him with a tight hug, on a high from the workout and wanting to hug his pouty face out of him.

You give him a quick peck on the lips, smiling big. “I’m so sorry, thanks for picking me up! I didn’t mean to keep you waiting, I wasn’t paying attention to the time—”

“—Clearly—”

“—I’ve just got to get my bag in the locker room and I can meet you out front, yeah?”

“No! I mean, no I can come with you, its no big deal.” He cringes, coming off all kinds of strong and miserably failing at acting casual about the situation.

“Alright…” You give him a quizzical look but don’t say anything else on the matter as you lead him to the co-ed locker room, rambling about the PR you hit today.

It’s not that Tom wasn’t proud of you, he was, he just couldn’t get that guy out of his mind and he’s interrupting you before he even realizes he’s speaking.

“So you got a new personal trainer, huh?” He glances around the deserted room, making sure no one else was around to hear.

“Oh yeah, his name’s Adam!” You chirp back, too pre-occupied with inputting the correct combo for your locker to notice his less than pleased expression.

“Huh. Adam.”

Now that got your attention. The typical short responses he saves for the occasions when he’s trying to be careful about what he says.

“Oh my god, this is what’s got you so worked up?” You roll your eyes over your shoulder at him and proceed to pull your belongings out of their safe space.

“He was all over you!” he defends, knowing he has a damn justifiable reason for being upset.

“No, he wasn’t! He’s a professional, Tom,” you argue. You know a creep when you see one and Adam was not that.

“Oh please, that was not professional!”

You turn to face him, eyes narrowing. “Do you not trust me?”

“Of course I trust you,” he assures. “But he was ogling you, I watched the whole thing! and you—you’re just—”

“I’m what, Tom? I’m half dressed, so what else are people going to look at?”

“NO—that’s not what I’m—”

“Then what? Is it bothering you that I was getting all hot and sweaty with him?”

Intended as being sarcastic, you quickly realize it was not taken that way as you watch him tightly cross his arms across his chest…you’ve struck a nerve. Tom is seething, biting into the inside of his cheek and doing everything he can to compose himself when you’re putting a mental image in his head like that.

You press, gaining a smirk as you speak. “Is it bothering you that he was holding me so close to him while I could hear him panting in my ear?”

Alright, bitch move, you’ll admit it. But watching his jaw shift forward as he steps closer to you lights a fire inside you that you can’t help but continue to feed.

Before you can even blink again, Tom is picking you up by your thighs and slamming you against the lockers with a loud clatter of metal shaking. Your gasp is swallowed by his mouth engulfing yours in the roughest kiss you’ve ever shared. You squeeze your legs tighter around his waist, fingers threading through his hair as he moves to nip at your neck. You yelp at the contact of his teeth, feeling a rush of adrenaline working its way through your body making each touch even hotter.

“Tom,” you breathe, only half convinced that you should even be saying anything in case this all comes to a screeching halt. “I’ve got to tell you—”

“Then you better fucking tell me now,” Tom growls, rattling you to your core and god does it feel good but your guilty conscious is a bitch.

“Adam—”

He stops, coming up for air, nose against yours and his black eyes remaining in extremely close proximity to your own. “You’re going to talk about him right now?” He was raging.

“No, no, you don’t understand.” Your chest is heaving, and you can barely get the words out. “He’s…not into girls. Like…at all.”

His eyes widen, growing softer. “You mean—”

“Not at all.” You feel his entire being light up and suddenly your back has left the lockers and he’s spinning you around with your legs latched tightly onto his hips.

He kisses you again, but this time, its an overwhelming amount of love and passion that’s fueling the kiss.

You can’t help but melt a little as the butterflies erupt from your stomach. God you love your jealous boy.

Tom breaks away reluctantly, and puts you back down on your own two feet. He reaches behind you and grabs your duffel bag off of the bench before leaning in close to your ear.

“I hope you know that we’re finishing this at home.” His voice low and raspy, sending shivers down your spine. Stated as a fact and not a question and shiiit were you into that.

He turns on his heel without another word and you can’t help but follow him out, giddy like a child and skipping along to catch up to him knowing you were going to get it good tonight.

[sebastianshaw]

For a good example of that: Karma when possessed by Shadow King and then being forced to walk a crossed the desert and survive and that leads to later on down the road Karma joins a weight loss group- despite being unnaturally skinny- because she wants to " look. Good for the people who see her in uniform" and then she goes on to saying how another plus to joining this group is that she can find dates there. So not only slapping people with disordered eating in the face and ah yes predatory lesbian a classic.

THAT STILL MAKES ME MAD like I was thinking about that recently for some reason??? because like Shan wanting to be skinny makes SO MUCH SENSE from a trauma standpoint. Yes, she lost the weight through starvation which NORMALLY would make someone associate thinness and hunger with trauma, but the way she became fat in the first place was such a traumatic and violating and agency-robbing experience that it makes more sense she’d associate eating and fatness with trauma even more so. As awful as being stuck in the desert was, she still had her own free will and her own body, it wasn’t being controlled by someone else and used to hurt her friends, do presumably disgusting things/violate other people, and warped by someone else into a shape she didn’t even recognize, which is what Farouk did to her. Like on a meta level it’s more than problematic that the Shadow King’s fatness (and making his hosts fat when he possesses them) is used as a physical indicator of his depravity, but in-universe that’s exactly what it would be for Karma, a physical manifestation of what he did to her, a lasting mark of his ownership of her. So her being terrified of weight gain?? Would make sense. But it would NOT be because she wanted to look good in her costume or look good for the sake of other people! It’s completely dismissing and minimizing the horror of what she went through, of having her agency, will, life, and body taken away from her for months by this monster. And that is a thing that would be worth exploring. Like I am not a big Karma expert so correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think she ever got a character arc about her mental recovery? It was more like once she lost the physical weight, it was fine. And this would have been a good opportunity to show that no, it’s NOT fine, and to also explore the link between eating disorders and trauma----and there is a STRONG link between eating disorders and rape/sexual abuse, as I’m sure you know, whether it’s binge eating or self-starvation as a way to regain control of one’s body, and Farouk’s takeover of her body is very metaphorically rapey---but instead it’s a cute lil quip about tee hee wanna look good! It reminds me of how in the 90s, Polaris briefly battled body image issues, convinced she was fat, comparing herself as a “blimp” to Rahne (an extremely skinny TEENAGER) and thinking that everyone else thought so too, dieting...but then it all got resolved in a few issues with her just suddenly becoming confident in her body because reasons, so very confident that she wanted to show it off with a new and skimpier costume! Gosh isn’t that so inspiring and strong and feminist! Yes, seriously, they gave her the laziest excuse for an eating disorder portrayal in order to have a reason to have her want to wear a sexier outfit and sell it as empowering, I’m not shitting you. That seriously happened. Honestly, I think that the men writing this shit really can’t conceive that women have bigger concerns than looking attractive by the standards of others, for the benefit of others, and thus can’t understand that EDs are actually rarely about that, and so much more about trauma and loss of agency and regaining the only form of power that you can even if you have to hurt yourself by doing it. They can’t conceive that women do anything that isn’t about being sexy, specifically sexy for others, so they feel like this is the only possible motive. And since it’s a shallow, easily-resolved motive, the stories and portrayals are also shallow and easily-resolved, and, of course, framed as just being about looking pretty (read: skinny) and it’s gross af. Also god yeah can we NOT with another lesbian vampire trope rsdgjrjsfdgj ETA: @cadreformed ALSO I feel it bears mentioning that Karma was also a victim of LITERAL rape as well; she’s a rape survivor from the very beginning, her mother and her were raped by Thai pirates who boarded the boat taking them to the United States, so that’s been a part of her backstory since her introduction and also...never really...dealt with...I don’t think? Again though not a Karma expert so maybe it has been and I’m wrong but yeah that’s a thing, so she’s got a lot to work with in this department and it just gets IGNORED

[shy-magpie]

RQG 152

Poor Alex, there was no way to know and changing the story would be more of a breach of the implied contract than going forward. Plus side this warning implies we'll get more info on how the biology of the infection works before RSB actually explodes. To be clear I am all for warnings, I just imagine this was one heck of an awkward position for Alex & co to find themselves in. Well one would think they wanted to get through the intros as fast as physically possible! Seriously bless em for sticking with the structure instead of saying screw it and diving right in. Must be frustrating but it really helps me get in the right space to listen. Yeah it was a bit of an altruism run. That Ben physically ill at the prospect of characters talking? Yuck it up, I was specifically promised three (3) distinct topics would be addressed including both coping mechanisms and back stories. Poor Azu. If someone doesn't hold her while she has a proper cry I will be an unhappy Magpie. Are the new kids going to be invited to the conversations that are totally for sure not going to be put off for a month? Retcon: Barnes and Carter actually fought well it. I guess they were just down to the tricky ones. Theatrical much? Cel is great, have I said that enough? Well obviously not it should be declared at least hourly: "2 o' clock and Cel is great". But right after last episode instead of backing down (and IDK implying Wilde told the new kids their pronouns), Cel is immediately introducing themself with them and emphasizing their importance. Hamid right in there with the leadership, telling the duo that the party needs to go into isolation. I know having Zolf around must have took some weight off his shoulders but the man has grown since season one or even since Prague. He didn't lose that just because he cheers up when not solely responsible for leading the party. Note there is a messy negotiation with Zolf about who is in charge coming up and it is a mark of my trust in this show that I'm not dreading it. Am curious if it will be explicit enough for the white picket fence kids to pick up on, I know I have a thing about rank but some people seem to miss that aspect entirely. OK point Zolf but even with his charisma score there has to be a better way to put it than "do that and you are responsible for infecting Jasper and the village". Wow I guess that is the case isn't it. Thank you leader!Hamid coming in again. Getting Cel the kind of updates on home Hamid was denied in quarantine is fairly low risk for great gains in Cel's comfort with the whole thing. Point of clarity: as much as I hate to admit it, once the quarantine began they couldn't really keep Hamid in the loop since Ishaq was in the care of the Harlequins. Its been implied even without simply escaping an infected person could have means of communication that work in am anti magic cell. The village however is public info. Zolf, I want that again in small words! Are we talking black death or infrastructure problems? Because a few targeted infections could take out the government but not directly kill the citizens. Cel is doing the forced cheer again. What the hell have they been through that they default to words of affirmation for gory violence? Like most characters acknowledge the gore or that it was helpful, not both. Barnes is more reserved outside of the fight. Issues? Trauma? Oh Helen spelling it out, he's my type, crap. "Emotionally unavailable pirate" is a lot of people's type TBF. No wonder I made a warding gesture on hearing Zolf's description and didn't warm up till Dover. These characters wear the red flag as a cape and I'm surprised when my heart gets broken every time. Eh Zolf came back and is doing well enough, maybe Barnes will turn out to just not be chatty vs heart rending. And Hamid in there with the initiative casting Detect Magic so they don't have to face all the risks implied with not checking over the bodies. Barnes and Carter are glowing "like a fireworks factory where things have gone wrong". Only Water Breathing on the mooks. Speaking of emotionally unavailable pirates, Zolf sounds resigned as hell. I know he's working on it but the situation would depress anyone and he's been having a time of it, what with the puzzles and all. Shutting down isn't actually coping better than being shouty just more convenient. Have I already mentioned I want someone to comfort Azu on screen so she can put herself first for once? Remember how bright she shone in Cairo? If she doesn't process soon she's going to echo Zolf's arc. Carter is trying to looking at the bright side. Thank you Ben and Alex, not only a mood lightener but one that reminds us that Zolf asks direct questions now. And Zolf just moved as clearly as possible to protect Azu after Carter lashed out in response to her. I know they have a ways to get to where Grizzop & Azu were but I think they are at least proper team mates. Maybe having Zolf on this side of the bars this time will ease anything Azu is carrying from their introduction. Cel is a delight. Did they just suggest hamster balls? I love how Alex jokes about his own set design. Ah there is Ben's Minecraft joke. I think that's what you call environmental story telling. I love the mental image of them making their entrance crashing the mine cart into the ambush, like half way between a roller-coaster and sledding. Ah its been so long Zolf can't apply his memories of mining. They are officially out! Azu and Zolf are finally breathing right. Hey Zolf broke the weather machine! Cel takes a look see. Plumes of smoke from Shoin's? Wreckage from all the storms. Zolf joins Cel and USES HIS WORDS! I am so proud of him. Like not kidding learning to proactively offer praise & comfort instead of only offering concrete assistance in reaction is a huge step. Oh Cel! Getting yourself killed fighting alone would not have been better than defending your patch. And Zolf is right there, god remember Paris? Remember Prague? Now look at him. And there is the reality check. Not as jarring as it could have been. Azu is face down on the ground near Hamid! No more putting on her game face and slogging through it! Yes, process all you need darlin, no reason to rush. Hamid checks in! Azu takes his hand and explicitly talks about how scary it was when he was missing. Hamid talks about putting on a brave face for Skraak! RQG really just said "we're giving the fandom everything they want" in an episode recorded before we had a chance to ask. Azu checks in with Hamid! Oh Hamid its ok not to be ok. Oh hat Azu! Hamid call your family 18mumble is a go! Alex I will scream if he gets another delaying tactic. Cross your fingers we might get Ishaq and Saira! Azu assures him it would OK. Timing Zolf Horses! Topaz! Barnes: right Well that's a fair reaction to a celestial camel, he doesn't even know what the T stands for. Azu hugs Topaz Thank you Alex for making judgmental celestial camel canon.  How GMs don't all go insane with power from the moment it hits they can rewrite their world on a whim is beyond me. A Shetland for Hamid, a standard sounding horse for Cel, a cart horse for Azu, and another Shetland for Zolf. Carter can't get the question out before Zolf shuts him down. He is sticking to his word to Skraak, the island belongs to the Kobolds. Hamid calls en route! Bryn remembers to roll for it! Ishaq is a great kid, such a good sign he sounds like a kid too. Yes the kids are all together in the country house! Dad is at a redacted location, thank you Alex! Mom is alright! Saira is busy and the biggest problem with Ismail is that he is now taller than Ishaq! Ismail is good at magic too. Family bonding time. Einstein is working. Emeka & Veseek are helping things. Ed is with the family. Zolf is not happy about the call. Fair Zolf but none of us are regretting that call. Eh it being a one time thing is fair. Have I mentioned I like how Hamid & Zolf bicker? Its not like with Grizzop. They assume good faith and argue about the issue not score points. Part of why I shipped them in the beginning honestly: charismatic as Hamid is he probably impressioned like a duck on the first person to care more about what he was saying than how he said it. They joke about how hard nonverbal shots are in a podcast. Yes Alex we really do respect your craft. Might have been reassuring Ben. Helen is on the audience's side as always and tells him to pay up on the promised coping mechanisms talk. And Alex makes them roll a perception check. Do not talk block. Carter has been trying to eavesdrop. Azu tells him he isn't invited and Zolf tosses something at his head. Carter slinks back off. Zolf is still not good with words but he is resisting the urge to take it back. That counts damn it! Azu: your not good at talking for someone who says we need to talk. Yes Azu, and thats what makes it special. He is willing to put himself out there and do things he is bad at for the sake of the team. I like how Helen plays Azu getting over her issues with Zolf rather than just leaping to "Hamid vouched for you so we're besties". I need a clip of this, Zolf is offering to listen and be there while respecting boundaries and citing his own experience. Helen is great, Azu jumps right into the 18 months by asking about his relationship with Poseidon. Which again makes sense, as Azu is still working on "we met after you drugged, trapped, and imprisoned me". Which I get but seriously couldn't it have been in the stew or something? Drugging a woman's drink has connotations. Azu backstory(ish) oh thank Alex her cult is still doing the good work. Zolf tells Azu this, and offers her an out? Hamid & Zolf offer reassurance. Yes Hamid specifically tells her it isn't her fault. Zolf assures her that she isn't responsible for Sasha's decisions. Cel and Carter are chatting about what they've seen on the island.  Barnes tells them to keep the volume down and does Zolf's thing of bouncing something off Carter's head when he's loud again. Hamid moves to check in with Cel. Cel calls him on it.  Hamid asks what Cel plans to do after quarantine! Thank you Bryn! Cel doesn't know, ow. Cel feels obligated to be more proactive. Hamid reassures and points out that they were able to do it as a team so its not on Cel for not acting alone. Cel what is your backstory, afraid of being the monster. Thank you, I could wrap myself in this episode like a blanket. Cel how do you know that about being friends with mercs? Hamid would do it again but wants them to have a choice. Cel: When I call you little buddy I m not referring to the size of your heart. And that was veering saccharine so Ben swoops in with the Harrison Campbell joke. Do not make me get into why Hamid might be using snobbery as a cover for continuing to care more about what people might think than what he wants. Its a cheap shot for what could equally be he's that age and still has some flaws to work through. Thank you Alex for being realistic about horse pace without turning it into a word problem. Wilde! Cel points out the inn keeper could be infected, the boys explain the system of watching one another. Zolf is not letting Wilde get cute with his team again. Wilde wants them "fully supervised" in the bath. I feared that Alex, Wilde turned himself off again. Zolf calls him on it, kinda. They skim past the bath, thank you that could have been problematic. Thank goodness they are leaving the cell door open but locking the trap door. The new kids are in quarantine with them. Fair, going to be fun, but fair.  

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

May I ask advice on something? Around 8 months ago I lost my period from my ED, and gained it back(and most weight I lost) from 5 months of binge eating. I'd like to lose weight again in a more healthy way(though its really hard, I'm trying to eat 400-500 cal a day ATLEAST rn, hope to increase in future). The issue is that my period is super triggering for me, and makes me want to eat less so I can lose it again. Do you have any tips for ways to deal with this?

I'm going to be 100% honest with you, Anon. I do not think you are in a place where you are psychologically able to lose weight healthily, and it's very likely that you may never be able to actively pursue weight loss without triggering your eating disorder. Eating 500 calories a day is better than nothing, but it's still starvation. It is not sustainable, and if continued, it will eventually kill you. It is nowhere near the realm of healthy weight loss.

The truth is, even if you happen to be considered "overweight" according to an arbitrarily defined scale based on a formula created by a Belgian astronomer almost two centuries ago...even if that's the case, your restrictive eating disorder is going to destroy your health much more quickly and much more severely than carrying a bit of chub ever would (because it's just as possible to be "overweight" and still healthy as it is to be a healthy weight and unhealthy). And if you're a healthy weight, there's absolutely no reason to lose weight aside from the reasons that bitch Ana/Mia is pulling out of her ass.

Honestly, unless your weight is an immediate clinical risk as determined by a medical professional, I don't think anyone's primary goal should be weight loss.

Rather, the goal should be moderate exercise, plus intuitive eating (i.e. eating based on your body's cues), plus a healthy balanced diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables, each part of the food pyramid, each type of macronutrient, and some treats for happiness purposes! The goal should be health--not trying to control your body, which already has a set-point weight it wants to stay at.

Furthermore, I guarantee that restricting your diet will worsen your binge-eating. You can successfully restrict for days, weeks, months at a time, but eventually it leads to a psychological phenomenon called restraint release, which causes disinhibition while eating--i.e. binge-eating. That's why bingeing is actually a symptom of restrictive eating disorders. Also, if you fall below your weight set point, your body will rebel by increasing production of ghrelin, the hunger hormone. This makes you feel really hungry all the time, which can also cause bingeing. The only way to fully solve binge-eating is to heal your body image and stop depriving yourself.

As for your period being triggering, I know it sucks, and I'm so sorry. Remember that your ED wants you to consider your period a sign of failure, but it's the opposite. It's a sign of health, and health is strength. Your period symbolizes how strong and courageous and tenacious you are. I mean, c'mon, you survive pain and bleeding for about a week out of every month--how metal is that?!

It might help to try and think about your period in a different context. For example:

If you identify as female: it's a sign of feminine strength in the face of the patriarchy. Sexist beauty standards want you to starve and shrink, but you are not afraid to eat and be healthy and take up the space you deserve. You are defeating sexism one period at a time.

If you're trans or genderqueer: you are spiting society's ideals of gender. Every time you get your period, you are living proof that not everyone with a period is a woman. Take that, gender binary!

The average menstrual cycle is almost the same length as the lunar cycle; the moon and her beauty is reflected in your own body. When you get your period, remember that you are connected to the wonders of our beautiful, mysterious universe.

Use humour to cope! Sometimes I turn my period into a comedy bit in my head: "It looks like World War III just happened in my pants. What kind of magic Kotex do those girls in period commercials have? If I wore white shorts on my period, I'd be repping Japan on my crotch."

Stuff like that. Also make sure that you are extra-vigilant about self-care around the time of your period: get 8 hours of sleep a night, drink plenty of water, eat foods you like and feel safe with, take nice warm showers, use pain meds (responsibly) if you need to, don't be afraid to take a sick day, treat yourself to a spa/movie night, etc.

But of course, the best advice will always come from mental health professionals trained in dealing with eating disorders. If you are not working with a doctor and therapist right now, I strongly encourage you to start. Seeking professional help is the best course of action for ED recovery, but at the very least, make sure you have a strong support system in the people around you.

You can do this, Anon!! You're strong and beautiful and I believe in you. Good luck! I love you! 💕

-Mod Lia

[sweetoothsuggestions]

Self Harm and Recovery

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Read With Caution

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Hello all, this is a post I wrote two years ago on amino and I wanted to put it onto this platform as well. I wanted to create a post on mental health, self harm specifically. It’s a difficult topic, but I feel it’s important to address and provide resources for those in the community.

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Please keep in mind this blog will not include everything, and it is important to seek professional guidance.

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Table of Contents

If header is marked with ‼️it is a warning for possible triggering content

1 • What is self harm / Spotting it‼️

2 • Coping Mechanisms

3 • Accepting Help

4 • Resources (apps, helplines, websites)

5 • What to do if a family member, friend, or classmate is struggling

6 • Glorification and Romanticism‼️

7 • Recovery and Relapses

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[[MORE]]

‼️1 • WHAT IS SELF HARM?‼️

If you’re currently dealing with self harm, I recommend skipping this header. This section will be discussing different forms self harm can take.

When an individual deliberately hurts themselves physically, this is self harm. It is considered a result of poor coping mechanisms when dealing with emotional or physical distress. It is important to acknowledge that self harm isn’t always the result of societal factors, and is often internal. Regardless of how self injury is influenced, it is a serious issue and important to address.

• Cutting

(Click title for more info) There are different methods of self harm, however the most common form is referred to as cutting. This is typically when an individual takes a razor or sharp object and damages their body. Most self harmers who cut, make slits on their wrists, thighs, stomach, or chest. This form of self injury is typically the quickest to escalate, as one gets more comfortable with this practice they will often begin going deeper and cutting more frequently.

• Burning

Another common form of self harm is burning, done in various ways. A burn mark can often be swollen and filled with pus, or more discreet and appear as a reddish brown patch of skin. With darker skin tones a burn can appear lighter or more faded as well. It’s important to realize that not every burn is self harm, most self harm burns are on the hand or leg.

• Bruising

When bruising, an individual will hit objects against parts of their body. This creates bumps and dark circles where created. This is typically done on the hands or leg.

• EDs

ED is an abbreviation for eating disorder also known as anorexia, while typically placed in a separate category of mental health, also relates back to self harm. However, EDs are very different than typical self Injury and really deserve a separate explanation, I will be briefly covering it as I did the other methods as it is important to acknowledge.

Like all forms of self harm, EDs aren’t always apparent. They consist of an individual struggling with body image (or dysmorphia) who take drastic measures to lower their weight. This includes forcing themselves to throw up (Bulimia), constricting calories, and skipping meals. This regularly hospitalizes those with anorexia and stands as one of the most difficult recoveries.

There are many other ways someone will self injure, these are solely the common ones. Other forms include:

• Hair Pulling

• Biting (Forum Discussion)

• Skin Picking

• Piercing

Okay, so that’s all that. I know it’s hard to read these things (as to why there are the tws) but I honestly think it’s really important people are aware of this. A lot of signs go unnoticed, and with self injury it’s especially important to catch early on.

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2 • COPING MECHANISMS AND ALTERNATIVES TO SELF HARM

There are many different coping mechanisms opposed to self harm, below are several common ones. Keep in mind these are not a substitute for seeking treatment, it is still crucial to seek professional help.

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Take a long shower or bath to relax and calm down

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Wash the Dishes / Cleaning and Keeping yourself preoccupied

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Create a playlist or mixtape of your favorite songs

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Drawing and Painting

(Or) on your skin (using a marker or pen with a blunt tip) or on paper to get feelings out peacefully

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Write about how you feel

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Take a run or move around

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Text or call someone you love

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20 minutes rule

“My therapist recently told me about this one. She said that when I'm feeling an urge to cut, if I can wait 20 minutes the urge will lessen and eventually pass. I can distract myself by making something to eat, taking a shower, or watching some TV. If you can make it through those 20 minutes, you'll be okay.”

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Run your hands under cold water

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Stress balls, occupying your hands

Here are some self harm alternatives online, you can also make your own list of what works for you

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3 • ACCEPTING HELP

Accepting that you need a change can be one of the hardest realizations to face. Self harm is not something you go at alone, it’s crucial to reach out. Wether this be to a family member, teacher, counselor, or friend you need to tell someone.

It’s scary, and by no means is easy. A lot of people don’t know how to tell someone, or you’re afraid of burdening them. But you are in no way a burden, getting help and gaining support is the best thing you can do for yourself. Regardless if you think that your harm is too minuscule to do any actual damage, it isn’t something you can control. Like stated earlier, self harm escalates and becomes dangerous even if you don’t want it to.

If you’re scared to tell someone directly, send them a message. Text or written, do whatever you can to let someone know what’s going on. If you suspect someone in your life is harming themselves, speak up and let an adult know. If you are an adult, let them know you’re there for them and help them find professional advise.

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4 • RESOURCES

APPS, WEBSITES, HELPLINES

Apps:

• Calm Harm

This app is password protected and provides activities and timers to prevent self destructive urges. It gives options of customization and allows you to change the app to your liking.

• Self Heal

This app provides a series of coping mechanisms for you to use, along with this gives anonymous support features and calming images.

• My Shiny Thing

This app was created in order to distract or take your mind off of self harm. A new installment brings up various YouTube videos and articles to take your mind off urges.

Websites:

• SIOU Outreach

This website allows you to share your stories, listen to others, and provides coping mechanisms as well as how to help. SIOU Works to support those who lack personal care and provide resources to struggling family members.

• The Trevor Project

The Trevor Project website, also using a help line (listed below) specializes in self harm and support. The website contains an FAQ, resources, and takes awareness to those in need of support.

• Self Injury Foundation

The SIF is a volunteer based community, that provides and structures research on self harm and education.

• Self injury - Cornell

The Self injury recovery, research, and resources center at Cornell focuses on adolescents and young adults who deal with self harm.

Helplines:

National Suicide Prevention Line

1-800-273-8255

Suicide Text Line

Text HOME to 741741

24 Hour Crisis Hotline

1-800-273-TALK

Self Injury Foundations National Hotline

1-800-334-HELP

Help for Teens

1-877-332-7333

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5 • WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO HELP

• Classmate

If you think/know a classmate is self harming, tell a teacher or your counselor (or any trusted adult). It’s always good to provide support, but remember that SH is personal and often times difficult to talk about. Be sensitive and caring, don’t belittle their issues or act as if their feelings are invalid.

A question you’ll want to ask is why, but a lot of times they won’t know. It’s important to respect that, and understand that there aren’t always external reasons.

• Adult

While self harm is predominantly seen in teenagers and youth, adults can self harm too. Adults are not classmates, tell another teacher and avoid confrontation directly. This isn’t a very common thing, but regardless is important to realize that everyone may need support at one time or another.

• Family Member

Similar to the classmate scenario, tell a trusted adult in your family (older sibling, aunt, uncle etc...) it’s also important to reach out and let them know you’re there for them. Again, don’t expect someone to automatically open up to you, respect boundaries.

! TELL SOMEONE !

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‼️6 • GLORIFICATION AND ROMANTICISM‼️

Self harm is not pretty, or your aesthetic. This ideal is dangerous and unhealthy, spreading the message that self injury is pretty or elegant.

An example of romanticism and glorification would be describing scars or injuries as something symbolic or more than they are. Molding self harm into something poetic or beautiful is once again the opposite of what it really is.

An extremely common form of this is when someone will take a black and white image of cuts with a weird quote next to it. This can also be seen in the media and cinematographic structures, 13 reasons why being a good example in this case.

Long story short, any piece conveying self harm as anything but emotional distress is glorification.

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7 • RECOVERY AND RELAPSES

Recovery is a process, it’s filled with difficulties and fall backs but it’s also about moving foreword. What matters is that you’re trying, and receiving help.

A relapse is when someone stops self harm for an extended period of time, and then returns back to it. The longer you can stay away from this the better, and eventually the urges leave fully.

Progress isn’t black and white, a relapse doesn’t mean you’re failing it means there’s still more to do and that’s okay. To summarize this section:

Do’s and don’ts of recovery (WORK IN PROGRESS) Don’t:

• view images of self harm in the media, avoid anything that may trigger you

• go near what you use

Do:

• Talk to someone about it

• Get rid of objects you use to harm yourself

• If you have a ritual that leads up to sh, break your schedule and try something different.

• restructure negative thoughts, instead of thinking about what you think you did wrong, think about steps for improvement.

• use alternatives to self harm

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Tending to self harm wounds

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That’s all I have for this blog, again I’m not an expert and a lot of this is based off personal experiences. I can’t stress enough how important it is to tell someone, no matter how scared you are push through.

My dms are always open if you’d like to talk or have any questions. If you think I wrote anything inaccurately or you have something to add please message me or comment.

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[thinlittleflower-blog1]

hi everyone, i know it’s been a really long time since i’ve posted but i wanted to share something with anyone who is/or has ever gone through an eating disorder. last spring of this year is when mine started. i just wanted to lose a few pounds, i started cutting out carbs and eating less frequently and working out. but it wasn’t happening fast enough and i was getting impatient and frustrated, that’s when i started to look into other options. i learned about crash diets which lead me to pro ana pages online and soon tumblr. that’s when it all started. i started cutting out entire food groups, refusing to drink anything but water and hydroxycut powder, and started buying diet pills and laxative tea. i went on fasts, juice cleanses, and did jumping jacks till i could barely breathe. if i had more than 500 calories a day i wouldn’t eat the next 2 days to make up for it. i cried myself to sleep one night after i ate dark chocolate covered almonds because i didn’t realize how many calories they were. i stared at myself in the mirror for hours a day hating myself, i had to lose more weight, it was an addiction. i wanted to purge, but could never make myself, so i made up for it by eating nothing at all. i had a headache 24/7, cramps, nausea, dizziness, painful constipation and soreness from loss of muscle mass. i actually thought i had kidney stones at one point which completely terrified me. the whole room would spin when i moved and sometimes when i went to sleep i was scared i wasn’t going to wake up. everyday was like a living hell, but none of that stopped me. i continued it for months, from april all the way to late august. i went on a trip with my family in august to go visit other family and i was terrified someone would notice something. i spent the first three days refusing to eat and made myself miserable and ill. i was supposed to be enjoying myself and visiting with family i almost never see, but instead i was counting calories and seeing how long i could make it in 99 degree heat and humidity without eating and barely drinking any water. towards the end of the trip i gave in. i ate like a normal person for two days, and that’s all it took. that night i threw up for hours, it was one of the most miserable things i’ve experienced. i was violently ill. the next morning everything hurt, and everyone was trying to figure out what made me sick, and i cried on the inside because i was the only one who really knew: it was finally eating like a normal person after going months starving my body from everything but a few grapes and some water. by the time the trip was over i had gained back almost all the weight i had lost over the four and a half months. school started up again and i realized suddenly that eveything i did over that summer, not eating out with my friends, not going out because i felt so sick from not eating, crying every night because i hated myself or the scale didn’t read what i wanted, pushing away my family and friends, all that completely fucked up my entire summer. i ruined everything, and for nothing. i ended up right back where i started. i am 5’3, and my starting weight was 114lbs. tell me why i felt such a strong need to lose weight that i ruined my whole summer for it.

i am still struggling with my body image and what i eat. some days are good and some days are bad, there are times when i just want to starve myself again, and i know i should be eating more than i am right now but it is a hell of a lot better than what i was doing before. i am still triggered by weight related things and i have my days or even weeks where i feel horrible in my own skin. i don’t know if i will ever be able to eat without guilt, or not go to the gym to work off extra calories, but i do know that i am trying to get better. and that’s what matters.

eating disorders will RUIN you. they suck out the joy in your life and make your existence about only one thing: you’re weight. it will consume you and it will destroy you. if i could have just one wish i would go back to that day in april and stop myself from looking up “diets to lose 10 pounds” and “ana diets”. one little thing can lead to something so much bigger than you could’ve ever imagined. i would give anything to be in the mindset now of how i was a year ago. NOTHING is more important than your happiness and your health, you shouldn’t sacrifice that for anything! i still want to be skinny, and i still sometimes hear that little voice inside my head telling me not to eat and to starve instead, but i know now that that voice isn’t my friend. if you are scrolling on here because you want to “test out anorexia” or look through thinspiration to “motivate you”, i beg you to log out and delete this app for good. and if you are currently struggling with an ed, i want you to know that things can get better, but you have to make that choice for yourself. eating disorders are so glamorized in our society today, but they are nothing but toxic and brutal. they are not a lifestyle or a fad, they are a disease and they will take your life away from you. i hope that by sharing my story i have helped someone out there who is struggling. if you made it all the way to here, thank you for taking the time to read this. stay strong guys, it will get better<3

[lovenotereminders]

Hey! Do you have any advice for getting over... let's say disordered eating, when you realize how toxic it is, but are still an average weight instead of reaching where you wanted? How to be okay with that? Thank you!

I’ll say this with the disclaimer that I’ve never had an actual ED myself, but I’ve had experience with disordered/poor eating habits briefly whilst I was trying to lose weight whilst not being in a good place with my mental health. 

It’s a good idea to take a break from losing weight until you’re in a better place mentally. Your mental and physical health are the priority, and continuing to try and lose weight can just cause more harm. It may be the case that you don’t feel the need to start losing weight again when you’re in a better place mentally. 

It’s okay to reach out for help if you can. Friends and family can be great sources of support, and if you’re able to, consider consulting a counsellor, therapist, GP, etc. They will be able to give you more helpful support and coping mechanisms. You don’t have to have a mental illness to benefit from these services, and there’s no minimum threshold of suffering you need to reach before you’re entitled to reach out for help. 

Equally, try to identify the things in your environment that encourage unhealthy beliefs about body image and food, and try to eliminate them. Maybe following celebrities on social media who set unrealistic standards, maybe things like calorie tracking apps are harmful, maybe you’re following blogs who promote unhealthy habits, etc. Try to remove these influences and replace them with positive ones. 

A lot of it is about changing your mindset. It can be difficult to unlearn the harmful beliefs society impresses on people about their body and weight, but trying to internalise more positive mindsets is a good first step. When you notice yourself having unhealthy thoughts, try to stop yourself, and  instead remember things like: “My worth is not intrinsically tied to my weight.” “I do not have to reach a certain weight before I have permission to love myself.” “The only person who needs to approve of me is me.” “Fat is a normal, natural part of my body that I don’t need to get rid of.” “My body needs fuel and food is that fuel.” “Three things I love about my body are…” You could try writing these things down in a notebook if you carry one with you, or putting them in your phone to look at when you need to. 

It can be very easy to feel inadequate when you’re focusing too much on numbers and scales - scales aren’t always the most effective measure of body and health. Your weight in numbers can be affected by the tiniest things - when you last went to the bathroom, how hydrated you are, how much salt you’ve consumed over the past few days, and even things like what point in your menstrual cycle you’re in if you menstruate, because it can affect water retention. This can lead to you beating yourself up for ‘gaining weight’ when you actually haven’t. Weight fluctuates naturally from week to week, and it can fluctuate by a few pounds within the space of a day. If you think this is a trigger for you, stop weighing yourself. Consider taking batteries out of your scales/putting them somewhere difficult to get to, i.e. in the attic or on top of a cupboard if you think you’ll be tempted. If you decide you want to continue losing weight, a better measure of success are things like progress photos and measurements - focus on things like how healthy your body feels, and whether the way you look makes you comfortable and happy, rather than choosing a value that you need to be at or under.

Another thing to try and change is your mindset around certain foods - there are no such thing as bad foods. The only things you shouldn’t eat are things you’re allergic to. Sugary or fatty foods are not “bad” or “sinful” or “cheats”. It’s about forming a healthy relationship with food. Food is not a reward for good behaviour, and restricting food is not a punishment for bad behaviour - there is no moral value assigned to a cupcake or an apple. They’re just food, and it’s all about making sensible choices to provide your body with the nutrients it needs and enjoying things in moderation, rather than bingeing or restricting completely. 

If you have any clothes that are too small, that you’re losing weight to try and “get in to” I would suggest getting rid of them, as part of the “I do not have to reach a certain weight before I have permission to love myself.” If you have the resources, something that can really boost confidence is buying new clothes that fit comfortably and make you feel good - wearing clothes that pinch or are too tight, or are baggy and hide parts of your body, can only exacerbate the insecurities you have. It also gives you permission to just be the weight that you are, instead of always looking ahead to a time when you’re going to be smaller. You don’t have to get smaller. 

Instead of focusing on weight and body shape, try and shift your focus to lifestyle. Instead of attempting to reach xyz lbs, or eating under xyz calories a day, try to set different, healthier goals for yourself - things like eating a minimum of xyz portions of fruit and veg a day, drinking plenty of water, making high-fibre choices such as wholemeal cereals, bread and pastas, finding a type of exercise you enjoy doing like swimming or going for a walk and trying to raise your heartrate for instance for at least 20 minutes 3 times a week. Of course, you don’t have to do all of these - even if your goals are seemingly small, like “eat three meals a day at least five days a week”. Changing your focus to taking care of your body and doing things to ensure it’s healthy is a better goal than simply “losing weight” - lower weight =/ more healthy. 

Doing other things to encourage self-love other than just diet and exercise related stuff can also be a good outlet to help you get into a healthy mindset. People might have different ways of doing this - some people find comfort in things like wearing makeup or doing their nails to boost their confidence, doing skincare things like exfoliating or using a fancy face mask or applying some nice-smelling lotion, some people like yoga to improve flexibility, making sure you’re getting plenty of sleep, getting at least 15 minutes per day of daylight on your skin, anything that makes you feel good and like you’re taking care of yourself. 

If you count calories, make sure your MINIMUM daily intake is 1200 calories per day. This in itself is very low for most people - this is the minimum intake for short, smaller-framed, AFAB people/people with estrogen as their dominant hormone. The minimum for other people is often more like 1500kcal per day. But counting calories is often not the best idea if you have a poor relationship with food, because assigning a number value to certain food items can encourage those harmful behaviours. 

This isn’t a complete list or a how-to to cure disordered eating issues, but these are some coping mechanisms that might help you on the path to recovery, either things that I’ve found helpful or that others have reported finding helpful. Not everything will work for everyone, and that’s okay - just try things out, and see how you feel.

I hope that’s useful, and I wish you strength and serenity on your journey 💗

[swearitsundercontrol]

this is gonna be a post detailing some of the factors i believe go into my disordered eating. it’s really just for me to have a personal log of this stuff cause i can’t write it out anywhere else, but lemme know if anyone happens to relate. also obvious trigger warning for ed content

- body image issues obvi

i’m a little on the taller side and noticeably overweight and i can’t stand to look at myself. it just feels almost like constantly being embarrassed because i’m so convinced that i’m super obviously, almost comically unattractive and i feel so clumsy all the time. like a bull in a china shop i think. like a spectacle.

all of my friends growing up were easily more conventionally attractive. small and delicate among other things, and i always felt like i stood out like a sore thumb. not the mention the obvious difference in how i was treated as opposed to the rest of them. shit hurts man

i feel like i can never really enjoy anything because i’m not doing it while skinny. and i mean anything. i’m constantly hyper aware of my appearance and i just obsess over it all the time. every time i leave the house it’s a whole ordeal and it’s so exhausting.

i want to be smaller, less noticeable and less awkward. i want to feel like i’m just another part of the world around me, not something that’s been interjected into my surroundings

sense of control

i can’t control most of my anxiety triggers, but i can control the number on the scale. when i get really deep into it, the calories and numbers are literally all i can think about. and as damaging as that is, its also kind of comforting. because then i can’t think about anything else, so i can’t worry about it.

of course i can and most definitely DO worry about said calories and numbers, but like i said before, i can control those things. it’s like controlled anxiety if that makes sense.

my mom lol

when my mom was in high school she was the “it” girl for sure. thin and pretty, prom queen, head cheerleader, i think homecoming queen too actually. she was also an honors student with straight As and first chair flutist in her band.

obviously 30 years and three kids later, she leads a very different life. out of my sisters i looked the most like her and everyone always said so. i think she was living vicariously through me for a while, she would always talk about how alike we were and would have me try on her dresses and stuff from when she was younger.

as i grew up though, i think i just started disappointing her more and more. gained(kinda) weight, lacked in social skills, and was bad in school. i think it was like watching herself do all of that, and she kinda shifted focus over to my other little sister after a while.

but i distinctly remember getting weighed by the school nurse for the first time in 5/6th grade and she told me “wow that’s how much i weighed when i was in high school”. i honestly think if i could pinpoint a starting point for all of this, it’d be that moment.

it’s mostly comments like that. “are u gonna eat all that?” type stuff. i’ll go more into that another day lol.

but basically, trying to win back her approval was definitely the catalyst

contamination anxiety

but wait there’s more!!!! this is actually called contamination OCD but i don’t feel comfortable self-diagnosing with that, only with some of the symptoms

basically i have a lot of paranoia surrounding food. i hate going out to eat for a lot of reasons, but partially because i don’t really know what’s going into it. that’s why i prefer to cook most of my meals

but the anxiety can get to be so bad that i can barely bring myself to eat at times because i can’t stop thinking about the possibility that the food is contaminated in one way or another

autism/neurodivergent

probably not AS much of a factor, but i’m autistic and have a lot of sensory issues. my biggest one is my sense of smell. i’m very very very sensitive to odors and it can be genuinely nauseating sometimes, even if it’s nothing particularly bad. it’s just so strong. also bad food textures

i also tend to hyperfixate to where i can only really eat one thing for a long period of time. and sometimes, if that thing isn’t available, i simply can’t eat anything else

there’s a lot more that goes into all of it, but i’m working on figuring out some of my triggers and how to handle them

[opiatemasses]

What is the cost of a woman’s participation in sport? The mental wellbeing of lean female athletes

For women in sport there is excessive pressure to conform to a certain body type. 

This can have a big impact on mental health and can lead to different ailments such as eating disorders. This issue is not confined to those in elite sports but can also affect those at the amateur level. This important issue needs to be changed!

When women started participating in sport it was often those seen as feminine and artistic, such as figure skating and gymnastics. The look was important and required a slender body shape.

Lean athletes participate in sports that are seen to need more of a petite body to be performed optimally. These include athletics, gymnastics, and figure skating. There is a pressure from coaches and from society for women in these sports to maintain this slim figure. Those fitting the bill are more likely to gain sponsorship and increased social media support. This can lead to mental insecurities which lead to physical problems such as eating disorders.

Image 1 credit to Andy Zurich flickr

Women’s bodies through time

What is a ‘normal’ body for women?

Looking at the history of the expectation of women’s physique through time is important in understanding this issue. Here is a timeline of the “ideal” body shape for women through time.

Image 2 Timeline  

To look into more detail of this timeline: How Women's 'Perfect' Body Types Changed Throughout History (thelist.com)

The Ellie Downie case

Isn’t Sport supposed to be healthy?

The interview here with British gymnast Ellie Downie discusses the pressure of body image in gymnastics and how she was made to feel “ashamed” of her weight throughout her career. This article also discusses how unhealthy behaviours such as daily weigh ins and hiding food was completely normalised which is continually affecting the health of many young girls in the sport. This interview highlights the prevalence of this issue showing how there is a lack of management when it comes to the safety of young girls within these lean sports.

Full article can be found here: Becky and Ellie Downie say abusive behaviour in gymnastics has been 'completely normalised' - BBC Sport

Image 3 - credit to Jo Gunston at Sport Liberat Flickr

What does the research say?

Further research shows how prevalent this issue is for women in these sports and how detrimental it can be on mental and physical health. Showing the importance that this issue is managed to prevent more young girls being affected.

A study carried out by Francisco 2012 looked at eating disorders in gymnasts and dancers 12-17 years old. They carried out open ended interviews.

Here are some of the dancers’ responses:

When talking about the coaches - There was that thing with Teresa, who was obviously anorexic, and the teacher kept saying you look nice! (...) If teachers encourage that, how are we supposed to care about health?

if people tell me I’m skinny or even anorexic, because I know it’s not true, it’s actually a compliment to me! (...) It’s almost my goal

Gymnast response:

Talking about their coach’s behaviour - We’ve had our last training session, we’re going on holiday [4 days], and she weighed everybody—as if she meant to say I’m weighing you so you won’t be heavier when you come back!

Pressure for thinness is associated to the elite gymnastics’ world, with the same frequency of references as weight control (19.4%)— specifically food restriction. These behaviours are seen as “normal”, especially to female gymnasts, and are considered important risk factors for ED.

Full study paper can be found here Spanish Journal 2012.1 (cambridge.org)

Image 4 - unsplash credit to Jenifer Burk

Takeaway messages  

This study used girls from ages as young as 12! At a time when they were still growing, there were restrictions put on how they should eat and train which in lean sports can affect going through puberty. This affects the mental and physical health of female athletes on all levels. This blog has shown how even though women in lean sports seem to have the “ideal” body image they still suffer from body dissatisfaction and the associated disorders. This issue effects female athletes on all levels and it is important that the mental health of these athletes are taken into account.

The importance of ensuring sports clubs from grassroot to elite are inclusive when it comes to body size

Education about how the media portrays women in sport

Importance of coaches being aware of the impact of the pressure in these athletes to maintain a certain weight

The importance of addressing this issue in all sports clubs

How this issue can cause detrimental health problems

How can you help change how pressure of body image effects women in sport??

What can you do?

I want you as the reader to help make a change when it comes to this issue. I would encourage you to choose a sports club in your local area and have a discussion with their members using this blog, ensuring they are highlighting how the pressures from society as well as the expectations of sport can affect mental and physical health. Ensure that members are open and have someone to talk to if they are feeling pressured about body image. Make sure coaches are aware of this issue. This can be done through an email, a phone call, or a face-to-face meeting.

But I ask you as the reader to contribute in some way in getting a local sports club to raise more awareness and teaching this to their members.

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Further information can be found here:

Taking action on body image - An active citizenship toolkit for those working with young people (publishing.service.gov.uk)

Mental Health Issues in Women’s Sports | by Madisyn Portsche | Women’s Sports | Medium

[inpursuitof-perfection-blog]

So here’s the thing...

Yeah yeah I know we’ve all seen a thousand of these posts ranting about pro Ana and whatever and it’s all the same old stuff but I need to vent because I’ve seen a few that have really irritated me today and it’s not like I have anywhere else to go so bare with or keep scrolling ❤️❤️

Anyways you see all these hundreds of pro Ana posts or whatever triggering young people who are sick to the point that they are craving anorexia just so that they can get thin, or because they are misguided into believing that starving yourself is a suitable method for losing some weight. But I think what a lot of these fail to understand that anorexia isn’t about weight loss. We’ve all seen those posts, you can have an ed when your overweight, or a healthy weight, or under weight. Getting thinner is just a side effect in the end.

Before I became anorexic I was probably what you’d consider skinny. I was a completely healthy weight for a girl my age and height and literally didn’t give a second thought to body image. Then I lost a few pounds due to stress or whatever and people began to comment, and the fucked up part of my brain said “hey you know what might be fun? Let’s see how far we can take this if we actually try?”

That’s when I developed anorexia. That’s when the voices came. The fucking voices in the back of my head saying I needed self control, I needed to disappear, needed to deny my body the nourishment it craved. I’d lost weight before they started and I continued to lose weight at their encouragement but that wasn’t what the disease was. It was just a side effect. And ironically I was totally convinced I was fine.

My hair fell out and my skin went grey and my parents and friends cried and begged and watched in terror as I literally began to die right in front of them. My doctors and teachers whispered the words anorexic and disordered eating when they thought I wasn’t listening and I would laugh it off because this was just control, it was just for fun, I knew what I was doing and I could stop if I wanted to. Or so I thought.

I couldn’t stop. My joints cracked and my heart showed and even I started to get scared but I was so deep into this lifestyle I had walked into I couldn’t see a way out, and even then I couldn’t admit to myself that I was sick. My teacher stepped in and said if I wanted to sit my exams and stay in school then I would have to eat with her twice a day everyday to prove I was committed to getting better.

She almost definitely saved my life with that decision. The whole process was agony, the most humiliating thing I have ever undergone and it lead to a steady weight gain that took me out of the danger zone so to speak. And it’s only now that I’m here, still underweight, still sick, still anorexic, but not quite as bad as I once was that I actually get what an eating disorder is.

The voices are still there. They still encourage me to skip meals and lie to my loved ones and fast until I’m so tired I can’t stand, walk and walk into the middle of the night until my bones are literally screaming in protest just in an effort to burn calories. Some days I listen and some days I don’t but I still want to lose weight, I still hate my reflection and I’m still terrified of food even though I’ve gained a few pounds. I might not look the part of the anorexic anymore, but I have to be honest with myself and say I still am sick, and I will be sick until I accept that this isn’t a way to live my life and I actually try and get better.

If you’re new to this, if you searched thinspo or whatever out of curiousity and there’s still time for you to escape, then get away. I know not many people will read this, but please please I cannot express enough that you can’t control this, it controls you. You never ever get away. With this disease you probably won’t ever reach a low enough weight to justify hospitalisation or inpatient treatment, and you will never ever be satisfied with how you look. But it will certainly give you months if not years of misery and loneliness and self hatred. No amount of progress is enough.

Right now all I want is to starve myself until I literally disappear. I can’t bare my own existence at this weight and I tell myself I’ll be happy if I get back to where I was. But I know deep down I won’t be, that ultimately my only options are to recover, truly recover, or die. And that terrifies me. This isn’t living, and it’s not worth any weight loss to sell your soul to this illness.

So yeah, minor tangent, rant over. I’m not and never will be pro Ana. I’m in far too deep to back out now, and I know many of you are as well, in which case I hope you stay safe and find the strength to make a change some day. But if you’re not, then get the fuck away from this shit as fast as you can. The rational part of my brain tells me if I could turn back time and do so I would.