#love no boundaries

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[unleashfeminineenergy]

NORMALIZE TALKING HIGHLY ABOUT YOURSELF

[theambitiouswoman]

Don't tell people your boundaries. Show them.

If you tell someone they can't talk to you a certain way or do certain things, those are not boundaries. Boundaries are things we show. If you tell someone "if you do that again I am not going to speak to you" and you stay and continue to speak to them, that's not a boundary. Just words. Words that they now know means absolutely nothing and they can take advantage of.

You show people how to treat you.

You reinforce your boundaries with your actions. Unless you show someone with your actions that what they are doing is not okay, and you do not continue to allow it, they will keep doing it.

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

[thepeacefulgarden]

[miikpal]

galleria

speedpaint under cut

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Good Morning, World.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[free-my-mindd]

Not everything is worth fixing. The only reason people take you for granted is because they assume you’ll always be there for them. Prove them wrong, never give to many chances to those who had all access and abused it. There are better people out there who will cherish you.

[letsgrownnhealtogether]

Wow, I love this.

[warm-autumn-evenings]

choosing to forgive myself, choosing to return to love and compassion, choosing to let go of unhealthy coping mechanisms and move to healthier ones, choosing to stay alive. over and over and over again. as many times as it takes.

[selfhealingmoments]

[apollos-boyfriend]

i hope minecraft youtubers are still lying. i hope in like 2-6 years we’ll get reveals that some major belief about a creator was a complete and total lie. i want another fake cousins or 6’7 or eddington solicitors. i hope i not only actively learn less about things but actively retire old information due to it being fully fabricated

[sk-lumen]

Setting boundaries is like a muscle. The more you do it, the more effortless it becomes, and the more empowering it feels.

[theambitiouswoman]

BOUNDARIES. Examples for when to say NO and when to say YES.

When to say NO:

When you're already committed to too many tasks and taking on more would be overwhelming.

When you need time for yourself to relax, recharge, or pursue your interests.

When someone invades your personal space or asks intrusive questions.

When someone asks for something that's beyond your capacity or comfort.

When someone tries to involve you in gossip or negative conversations about others.

When someone uses guilt, threats, or manipulation to pressure you into doing something.

When your generosity is being taken advantage of, and it's affecting your own needs.

When someone asks you to do something that goes against your values or principles.

When someone borrows money from you without a clear plan for repayment.

When someone consistently disrespects your boundaries or treats you poorly.

When to Say YES:

When a close friend genuinely needs your support and you're capable of providing it.

When you're passionate about a cause and want to contribute your time and skills.

When an opportunity arises that aligns with your goals and helps you learn and develop.

When you're invited to gatherings or events that you genuinely enjoy and benefit from.

When saying "yes" to social or professional opportunities can help you make valuable connections.

When your family members or loved ones need your emotional or practical assistance.

When saying "yes" involves trying something new or acquiring useful skills.

When taking on a new task or responsibility can push you to grow and overcome obstacles.

When saying "yes" to maintaining healthy relationships involves compromise and mutual understanding.

When you're confident that saying "yes" won't negatively impact your overall well-being or other important obligations.

[nonpoppie]

bingyuan sillies

[thepeacefulgarden]