#mentally ill and tired

[lifeofafrogblog]

I strongly believe that growing up with little money /can/ make you addicted to earning/saving money

I'm an autistic adult. I grew up with my parents constantly telling me "maybe next time" when finding a toy I liked, or telling me to pick something cheap to have for dinner. Even now, we are barely scraping by.

I found that once I was able to start selling some canvas paintings for money, I would get a boost of happiness whenever receiving it. Not in a greedy way, and I wouldn't overprice my stuff, it just made me feel so good to have money. I got so used to /wishing/ for things and I was finally able to buy some things, now it wasn't much but it was something.

I'm not blaming my parents for not having money to carelessly spend because it isn't their fault, and inflation is really kicking our butts. I was really immature with money when I first started earning it because I finally felt freedom to order things online and it felt so good. But now, I don't really have anyone to sell my canvas paintings to, and I can't get a job at the moment, so that pinch of freedom is gone again. That happiness I'd get when someone wanted something I made, it's gone again. I'm desperately trying to earn money for my sick dog but at this point nothing is working

I'm saving up every coin I get to give to my dog because she doesn't deserve to be miserable

But it's so hard to get money these days especially when your extended family distances themselves from you when figuring out you're mentally disabled or mentally ill or whatever

Anygays, just another daily rant

Also wondering if anyone feels the same

[morphine-overdose]

"major depressive disorder" its also major cock and balls sir

[boldandburnt]

I worked so hard to destroy myself, why would I get better?

[biscuithoney]

The sillies!

They know Zane, they know...

Based on an interaction between me and my friends.

[vixensofdeath]

I really need a fucking break, or a gun

[insaneyve]

POV You don't open up to people in real life, but you overshare on the internet for everyone to see.

[im-nothing-and-n0body]

I’m fucking miserable and I have no fucking idea how to fix it cause everything feels impossible

[sawiet]

stop asking how i am, i don't want to think about my life

[insignificantfailure]

Why the fuck am I the way I am

[lifeofafrogblog]

I have found the thing I hate more than anything.

Being silenced.

You hear it everyday, so much that it's not even looked at what it is anymore. A kid trips and falls, "you're fine, stop crying."

It has leaked so far into my adult life. "Mom, I have trouble walking long distances and often lose my balance. I need to lean against someone when walking somewhere far," and she says "it's probably all in your head," and walks away.

Maybe it is all in my head, but it's still a fucking issue. If my own head makes it hard for me to walk, doesn't that mean something is wrong?

I can't talk to my parents about anything serious that would take more than two sentences to explain, because they don't listen.

"Mom, lately I feel really sad. I've been thinking a lot about-"

"Do I need to take you to the ER? Do you need to be hospitalized again?"

They never hear me out. Self proclaimed "caring parents" that don't do much of the caring part.

I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I guess I'm just using this blog to rant now. My insurance doesn't cover therapy, my parents don't listen. I'm left alone surrounded with bad thoughts.

[k1ssmycorpse]

ive been tired for years. no amount of rest could wake me up. im constantly drained.

[7nvk]

i think i was born wrong. faulty, incomplete. something is inherently wrong with me, and i’m not sure if anything can fix me

[3m0g1rlyyy]

Sometimes i look at my $elfharm scars and think “Damn it wasn’t even that deep”

[lifewaster-imdanger98]

Why am I always alone when I'm at my lowest?

[inkskinned]

for a second, you did the bad thing and bargained about it.

if it meant that you would never be numb like this again, what would you give up?

maybe it's the childhood stuff or the religious trauma or how your dad doesn't believe in medication, but this is how you are, right. you need to have a counterbalance. suffering has to have its own reward. there needs to be a point to it. and if you're happy - if you could just be happy, and the world could actually fill in enough space that the edges of your spirit actually meet the horizon of your body - you would need to pay for it.

your passions? that one seems fair, but how could you actually be happy without them. well, you'd never be numb again, so maybe you'd be able to find joy in the small things like you used to. gleeful, you'd make coffee and breakfast into an artform. you'd find a way to make it make sense, somehow. you'd move on. it'd be different, but it would be doable.

your lover? your friends? this would be hard. you owe so much to your community. still, you could maybe make yourself a small home in the woods. you could live a quiet life, one devoid of friendship - but also without this horrible grey mist. a life like bigfoot, then. you'd figure out how to make the most of it.

your hair. your teeth. all of it.

sometimes you are jealous of mental illness as it appears in media: a big stroke of a meltdown, a firestorm that resolves prettily in therapy. it is flashing lights and thin teenagers. you've absolutely had breakdowns that stole the show - but life after resolved into a pixel art of things you managed to piece together afterwards, not a tapestry of a heart made suddenly-beautiful. that people could pick up blades as if they weigh nothing, that the way it all appears is as a cry for help, not a slow backsliding.

you have to stop the thought: i'd give up everything.

but also - be real. you'd never give up your dog. nor your best friend. nor the way you feel walking while through deep fog. you'd never give up the last bonfire of summer, the reckless laughter of halloween. so you do still love things.

maybe that's the problem: you know it should be easier. you have everything you could possibly want. so how come you are still trapped? still yearning?

[ryn-stillstanding]

thinking about how different things would have been if it never happened