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my-moony-and-padfoot · 29 days

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Healing

Word count: 1 600

TW/something you should know: So this fic is basically a part to an old fic of mine called "make it stop", but not really just kinda. (Meaning, good if you've read it, also good if you haven't might give you a bit more extra info but anyhow, doesn't really matter) So, this fic deals with sexual assault and kind of the feelings after a traumatic thing like this.

He twisted his fingers into Remus’ hair, pulling him into the kiss, forcing himself to lean more against the dark oak door. It felt safe and secure, he knew nothing would happen, never with Remus, but he couldn't help but let his mind wander. Suddenly feeling hands on him that weren't there, he knew that because one of Remus' arms was wrapped around his waist, hand gently resting on his hip while the other was holding his hand from leading him up to their dorm. That was it, but he couldn't help the feeling of hands roaming around his body without permission. It wasn't gentle like he was, it was rough, forced, and unwanted, so unlike Remus. He wanted this, so badly, but it was like his mind wouldn't let him enjoy it, no matter how hard he tried to push them away.

It started to get overwhelming, making Sirius drop the hand away from Remus' hair, dropping it to his shoulder. But Sirius couldn't find it in himself to tell Remus when he pulled back slightly to catch his breath. He used the time to try to steady his breathing, which had gotten faster and more uneven than it should've. He avoided eye contact, trying to gather the strength and courage to ask for a break when he felt Remus' hand slip away from his, fingers sliding underneath his chin, tipping it up so he would look at him.

“Everything okay, love?” He asked softly, leaning away from Sirius to give him space if he needed it. He could feel the way his body trembled and how his breathing got even faster and uneven than it already was. Sirius nodded quickly, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at Remus, which just made him all the more worried. “Are you sure?”

“Y-yeah,” Sirius said, trying to smile to make him less worried, but when he looked at Remus again, his eyes were shiny and blown wide, and not for the reason he'd like them to be. He just shook his head before Remus could respond, reaching up to dry his eyes with his sleeves. “M’fine.” He whispered brokenly, tears starting to trail down his cheeks.

“Hey, Sirius baby, no shh.” He let go of Sirius, standing back even more. “It's okay if you're not, look at me, please?” Sirius shook his head, hiding his face in his arms, sliding down the door to sit on the floor, slowly bringing his knees up to his chest to curl up on himself. Remus kneeled in front of him, going to stop Sirius from pulling on his hair, but quickly realised he probably wouldn't want to be touched right now, so he pulled his hand back, trying to figure something out to help him.

“M’sorry.” He whispered, hiccuping as he cried. “I-”

“It's okay, don't be sorry. It's okay, baby.” He soothed, trying to keep his voice calm and not let the worry seep into it, knowing it would only upset him further. “It's okay to get overwhelmed or scared, I'm not mad at you or upset with you. It's okay, I promise.”

“S-sorry. Didn' mean to.” He whispered, shaking his head. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't apologise, love. It's really okay, I promise it's okay.” Sirius shook his head again, letting out a quiet sob and twisting his hand ever more into his hair. “What can I do to help? Please, sweetheart, let me help?”

“I-i don' know… Rem I-i don't.”

“That's okay, that's okay.” He soothed, trying to figure something out to help him. His breathing was starting to get out of control, fast and choppy as he struggled to breathe in. “Do you think I can touch you? Just your hand, baby. Don't have to-” Sirius anxiously searched for Remus' hand, who took the trembling one into both of his, holding on gently, rubbing small circles into his wrist with his thumb.

“I'm sorry.”

“Shh,” Remus whispered. “No more saying sorry, it's okay. Got nothing to apologise for.” Sirius nodded slightly, but it did nothing to calm down his breathing or the sobs that wrecked through his body as he cried. “Could you maybe try to take some deep breaths? I know it's hard, but could you try? I'll help you, baby.”

He nodded again, holding Remus' hand tighter, trying his bed to listen to the instructions he was given, breathe in, breathe out. It shouldn't be this hard, but it felt like an impossible task, he tried, but it was as if his lungs just wouldn't let him take in the air. In through your nose. He nodded subconsciously, taking in a shaky, slow breath, hiccuping as he did so, more tears making their way down his cheeks. Out through your mouth. He let out an equally shaky breath, trying his best to repeat the previous set of instructions.

It took a long while before Sirius managed to calm down his breathing, it was still slightly elaborated, but at least he wasn't gasping for air anymore. He was sure he wouldn't have been able to do it without the gentle encouragement from Remus, without him being there and repeating the instructions, breathing with him, it would've felt harder than it actually was.

“I love you,” Remus whispered, smiling sadly as Sirius looked up, his eyes were red and puffy from the tears, cheeks blushed and sticky looking, pieces of hair sticking to them. He moved so he'd be slightly closer, letting go of his hand so he could reach to wipe away the rest of the tears. Sirius leaned into the touch, smiling slightly as Remus cupped his cheeks. “Can I hug you?”

Sirius nodded quickly, throwing his arms around Remus' neck, and hugging him tightly. Remus hugged him back, kissing the side of his head and rubbing his back slowly to ground him. “I'm here, baby. I love you.”

“I-i love you.” He whispered, sniffling sadly. “ ‘m sorry, moony.”

“What are you saying sorry for, hmm?” He asked, running his hand down his back. Sirius lifted his head after a moment, looking back at Remus, who frowned, wiping away the tears. “You have nothing to be sorry for, angel. Absolutely nothing.”

“Ruined this.” He whispered, gesturing to the small space between them. Remus shook his head, taking Sirius' hand into his and kissing his forehead. “But-”

“Haven't ruined a thing, love. Don't worry.” He nodded, looking away for a moment. “I mean it, it's really okay.”

“Okay.”

“Sirius?” He hummed, looking back up at Remus, who smiled softly, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear. “We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. If you're not ready, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere, baby.”

“I- I am, I swear.” He whispered. “Moony- I want to. I do. But I just- I can't help the thoughts. It's stupid.”

“It's not,” Remus said, making sure to look him in the eyes. “You had something very awful happen to you, Something traumatic. It's okay to get overwhelmed, it's bound to happen y'know?”

“But like- I know you'd never…” Sirius whispered, tears starting to burn in his eyes again as he looked at Remus, hoping he would understand without him having to actually say the words that made him feel sick to his stomach. “I know that. I do. But sometimes I just- it's so stupid ‘cause it's you and I trust you and I love you, so it's stupid to think it would- But I want to. I want to, I really do, Rem.”

“It's not stupid, baby. I promise it's not.” He said, caressing Sirius' cheek gently. “Healing takes time, and we can’t rush it even if we'd like to, and it’s okay to take time. I won’t go anywhere, no matter how long it takes, love.”

“What if… What if I never-” he stuttered, looking up at Remus, eyes filled with tears and so lost, looking for something to pull him out of the deep depths of his thoughts. “I can’t stop thinking about it.” Sirius cried, leaning back against Remus who held him tightly, hoping to make him feel better, at least a little. “It’s a-always there an’ I just… I hate it. It makes me feel so bad. Make it go away, Remus please.”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” He soothed, kissing his head, letting his lips linger there for a moment. Feeling tears of his own start to burn in his eyes as he listened to the heartbreaking cries. “I’m trying, baby. Shh, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

“I'm here, and I'll be here, angel. Always with you, hmm?” Sirius nodded, letting out shaky breaths as he tried to get his breathing back under control. He felt better while being held by Remus, those warm, safe arms wrapped around him, slowly rubbing his back. “I love you, Siri.”

“I-i love you, Rem.”

Remus kissed his head again, burrowing his nose into his hair as Sirius calmed down, tears slowly turning into small sniffles and breathing returning to its normal calm pace. “Wanna go to bed, have a little cuddle? We could have some tea and maybe chocolate, sound good?”

Sirius hummed, lifting his head to look at Remus but not leaning too far away from the warm embrace. “You willing to share?” He asked with a little laugh, Remus smiled, cupping his cheeks and wiping away the rest of the mostly dried out tears.

“Only with you,” He whispered, leaning in to give him a chaste kiss, then kissing his nose to make Sirius laugh like it always did. “C'mon, help me up, love ”Sirius laughed again as he got up from the floor, holding his hands out so he could get up as well, he pulled Remus close, and back into a hug, not wanting to stay away for longer than necessary.

A/N:

Hellooo, long time no see. Actually not that long but feels like an eternity

I have been in a bit of a writers block, not even a bit it's a massive wall that won't budge but I managed to get this out of my nonexistent brain. Also, school and being more social than all through summer has drained me a bit, so I'm sorry for the lack of posting and such.

Hopefully you enjoyed (as much as you can) this, and if you wish to read the fic this is loosely a second part to, it's here it took forever for me to find this, I post way too much people

Take care of yourself and have a nice day/night/evening <3

<33

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strangersteddierthings · 1 year

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What's Eight Plus Seven?

Part One🦇Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four🦇Part Five

Prompt from @devious-kitten

Steve had a mild interest in DnD as a freshmen because of a cousin or something. The interest was killed by Eddie being mean since Steve is a jock. Post vecna Eddie finds dust covered DnD handbook Steve explains and Eddie faces a still hurt Steve as a results of his biases

((Half written fic, half rambling about how it would go down. Apologies for the formatting. Also I added more angst than the prompt called for hehe))

Steve has always loved sports. This is a well-known fact. He's played on some sort of sports team from the time he was old enough for his parents to be able to sign him up.

A lesser-known fact is that Steve loves fantasy. Or, at least, he used to. On the playground in elementary school, Steve could often be found playing knights and dragons, and it was anyone's guess if he would be a knight or a dragon on any particular day.

The summer between middle and high school, Steve spent with his grandparents from his mother's side, on the farm they'd retired on in Michigan. A month long stay that he'd shared with his cousins, Amber, Robert, and Christopher. Amber and Robert are twins, four years younger than Steve, and Christopher was two years older and infinitely cooler than anyone else Steve knew.

Christopher was on the varsity basketball team at his high school when he was just a sophomore, captain of the JV football team, president of the chess club, and in a games club.

Christopher was everything Steve wanted to be now that he was going to be in high school. Minus the chess club because

It was during that summer, Steve got to indulge in playing make believe for another summer with his younger cousins, without the judgement of people (his father and peers) who thought he was too old for such things. He also got to learn about make believe for older kids, because Christopher played a game called Dungeons and Dragons with his game club the last month of school before summer break and spent many evenings going over what had happened with Steve as a captive audience.

"I wish I'd brought the books," Christopher had whispered to him one night from the bed, peaking over to look down at Steve in his sleeping bag on the floor, "we could have played."

Steve wishes he'd brought the books, too.

At the end of July, Christopher, Amber, and Robert's parents show up to pick them up, five days before Steve's scheduled flight to Indianapolis. It's a sad goodbye because one summer a year isn't enough with his cousins but they live in Washington. Steve's always jealous their parents drive all the way to pick them up, but a little proud he gets to brag about how he's flown alone since he was seven. No one else in his class can brag about that.

His mom picks him up in Indianapolis and they go back to school shopping while there.

A week later, Steve receives a package from Christopher. Inside Steve finds Advanced Dungeons and Dragons books, three of them, and even though Christopher said nothing about advanced, he's sure he can manage. On the inside cover of the players handbook, Christopher has written:

Hey Steve, I think you'd rock playing a dwarf paladin. Let's play next summer? Christopher 1981

He spends the last three weeks of summer vacation reading the player handbook cover to cover and making a character. It's slow going, because letters don't stay where they're supposed to be on the page (that's a problem he's had his whole life, so he's not surprised but he is determined), and he's never been good at math, so getting the stats down on paper isn't easy. He can't decide what he wants to play, so he makes two characters; an elf magic-user and, of course, a dwarf paladin.

(He's a little disappointed you can't be a dragon.)

Steve's never been one to dread the first day of school, but he's never actually looked forward to it, either. It's just been another day.

Until today.

Today is his first day as a high schooler. And the only people who go to the first day are Freshman, except the upper classman that have volunteered to man the booths for school activities for the last hour of the day. It's supposed to help the Freshman get the lay of the land without being overwhelming and Steve's excited for it. He needs to see if Hawkins High has a games club like Christopher's school does.

Here Steve is, that last hour of school. He's already been to the basketball booth, promising to sign up as soon as the season started, and the swim booth because he's got a pool at his house and has been swimming for as long as he can remember and knows he enjoys it. He also stops by the football booth even though he's never played, or cared much, for it. (Maybe he's trying to emulate Christopher, sue him.). So, the final thing is to see if Hawkins High offers a chess club and a game club.

Steve is delighted to see that, though there is no games club, there is a Dungeons and Dragons club! That delight wavers because of the kid manning the booth. His hair is curly and falls just below his ears, with big brown eyes. Steve hates to think it, but he'd be cute if he didn't look like he wanted to stab Steve.

"Yeah, no, keep walking," says the boy, pulling the flier with meeting information on it out from under Steve's hand, where he'd been attempting to read it.

Steve looks up, brows furrowed in confusion. "I was reading that."

"And I said no. Jocks don't play Dungeons and Dragons."

"I could," Steve says, offended. He squints at the name tag sticker slapped diagonally across the way too big jean vest this guy's wearing. E-d-d-i-e. Eddie.

"Have you ever played?"

"Well... no, but-"

"No buts. Mitch let a jock join last year and that was a nightmare. He could barely read the rule book. And with how you were squinting down at the flier, and then my name tag, you're not going to be much better."

Jokes on Eddie, Steve's already read the rule book. Even if it was slowly. "I can read just fine."

"Can you math, then? What's eight plus seven?"

"What?"

"Simple addition. Eight plus seven. What is it?"

Steve knows simple addition. This is fine. It doesn't matter than he's been put on the spot, and that math is hard for the same reason as reading. He can do this. His hand twitches with wanting to pull it up and use it to keep track. He's faster at math when he can do that, but this jerk is mean mugging him and he just knows if he moves his hand, this guy will mock him the rest of the school year.

Eight plus seven. Ok. Make it easier, get to ten. It takes adding two to the eight to get ten. Ok. Take that two away from the seven now. That makes... five! Ok. Ten plus five is-

"Dude, it's fifteen," Eddie snaps.

"I knew that!"

Scoff. "Right. How about seventeen plus six."

Steve can feel his face turning red with embarrassment but he's not going to let this jackass be right. Round up. It takes three to get seventeen to twenty, so take three away from the six-

"23. Point proven. Go. Away. Go play your jock games and leave me- us alone."

Steve opens his mouth to argue, or maybe plead, that he can do this, and that, more importantly, he wants to do this, but laughter cuts through the air and for the first time, Steve notices the audience that has gathered. Three people are laughing at him, and his inability to do mental math, and it makes Steve snap his jaw shut and swallow.

"Mental math isn't that hard, Steve," one of them, Brant, says, as he elbows the guy next to him.

"Thank you!" Eddie says, "that's what I'm saying."

"Whatever, man, like I'd want to play make believe at this age anyway," Steve mutters and rushes away.

If, two weeks later, Steve watches Kyle trip who he now knows is Eddie 'The Freak' Munson in the bathroom, and drag him into a stall for a swirly, well, no he didn't. He briefly thinks of saying something to stop Kyle, but shoves the words down and instead turns on heel and leaves that bathroom just as the sound of flushing and Eddie yelling start. The thick bathroom door does a good job of muffling the noise and if Steve feels any guilt about that, he shoves that down, too.

Besides, Kyle's the captain of the basketball team and if Steve wants a chance to be on that team, he can't stay anything. It's a well-known fact that Steve likes sports, after all. He's going to stick to that. Screw Eddie Munson and his Dungeons and Dragons club.

Steve will get to play Dungeons and Dragons with Christopher next summer.

Except, halfway through the school year, Steve and his parents quickly board a plane bound for Washington. Turns out being as perfect as Christopher was is hard. Overwhelming.

They arrive the day before the funeral, and fly out right after it. Steve barely has time to mourn before they're shuffling him back to school that Monday.

Christopher died, and with him, so does Steve's desire to be just like him. He quits the football team. He keeps basketball because he does like it, even without Christopher's influence. He can't bring himself to get rid of the Dungeons and Dragons books, but he can't look at them, either. They end up in the downstairs hall closet, forgotten on the shelf.

So, years later, after rising to the top of the food chain (no one was ever going to embarrass him like Eddie Munson had again) and then falling to the bottom (who cares about high school popularity when interdimensional monsters exist) and of course, the years of fighting against said interdimensional monsters before ending it all in spring of '86, Steve finds himself, unwillingly, agreeing to host Hellfire since the school banned the club following the events of spring break.

Damn Dustin Henderson. Steve usually has the backbone to say no but Dustin had to play up 'getting a chance to finally just be kids' and fuck, how was Steve going to say no to that? Despite how quickly his own desire to be a freshman playing Dungeons and Dragon had been squashed, he can't be the one to ruin this for them.

"Thanks for hosting, man," Eddie says when Steve lets him in. He's an hour early but had asked if that was okay. Apparently the dungeon master has a lot of prep to do? Not that Steve would know.

"Sure," Steve says, dismissively, because while Eddie and he went through hell together, and Steve carried his sorry ass out of the Upside Down, Steve can't quite let his guard down around him.

It's funny. In the Upside Down, Eddie had made a point to tell him he's changed, is a 'good dude' now. So, what's funny is how much Eddie is exactly the same person he was five years ago. He was an ass to Steve five years ago, and as far as Steve is concerned, was also an ass to Lucas for wanting to play basketball just this year.

He swears to God, if he hears one negative thing about Lucas tonight, he's punching Eddie unconscious, no matter what the rest of Hellfire will do or say about it.

Eddie's been in his dining room for maybe five minutes before he finds Steve in the living room. Steve's got a movie playing but he couldn't tell you which one. He's not really watching it.

"Do you got a table cloth for that big table? Jeff's got a set of metal dice and I'd feel like a real ass if we scratched it on accident."

Steve takes a deep breath before answering. He hates that Eddie is considerate like this, has been since spring break if Steve's being honest, but he doesn't want to see Eddie's good qualities. So, he waves in the direction of the closet. "Yeah. There should be some in the hall closet there. Help yourself."

"Thanks."

He twists on the couch to watch Eddie cross the room to the closet door, listens as the door creaks opens, hears the quiet, pleased noise Eddie lets out when his eyes land on the stack of table clothes. Steve continues to watch as Eddie just grabs the whole stack and yanks them off the top shelf.

Which means his watching as the stack of non-fabric objects, which must have been half atop the table clothes, also tumble out of the closet, bouncing off various parts of Eddie. It's a bunch of miscellaneous items. However, Steve realizes with horror, the book that bounces off Eddie's head is his copy of the Monster Manual. Eddie has stepped back in surprise (and possibly pain), so the Dungeon Master Guide and the Players Handbook bounce off his torso and leg before landing on the ground.

"Fuck," Eddie curses, before he stares down at what just assaulted him. Steve just stares at Eddie, watching as he slowly comes to comprehend what he's seeing. He watches as Eddie bends down and grabs the Player Handbook, the last thing to fall, from a top the pile. "What the-"

Steve stands, suddenly defensive, but doesn't actually say anything or move closer. He just watches as Eddie examines the book, flipping it from front to back in his hand like the title will change if he does that enough times.

Then, Eddie turns to him, bewildered. "Present for one of the kids? Thought they all had their own copies."

"No."

Eddie flips the book open. Reads the words written in there so many years ago. "Who's Christopher? Wait. 1981? You were playing D&D in 1981?"

"None of your business, and no," Steve says, now kicking into action, stomping up to Eddie and snatching the book from his hands.

Eddie hold his hands up in defense before his eyes turn mischievous. The same glint in them now that was there when Eddie'd leaned into this space in the RV and called him big boy. "Are you lying to me, Stevie? You've played before, haven't you?"

It makes Steve's blood boil. "No. I haven't played!"

"Alright. You could now, you know," Eddie says. And it's the way he says it, all nonchalant and like he's trying to be coy about it- it tips something over inside Steve. A bottle that held his humiliation and hurt from all those years ago.

"Oh, now I'm good enough for D&D? Now I can join? Aren't I too much of a jock for you!?"

"Whoa, what's with the hostility-"

"What's eight plus seven, Eddie!?" Steve snaps. His memory might be shit these days, with all the concussions, but the unfortunate part about Steve is that he always seems to remember the bad. And he remembers Freshman First Day like yesterday. "No? How about seventeen plus six? Come on, mental math isn't hard. Or don't you remember? I'm just a stupid jock too slow on the uptake, or no, what was it you said? It'll be a nightmare to play with me, 'cause I might be barely able to read the rules?"

He watches as Eddie's face morphs from confusion, to understanding and horror. "Holy shit, Steve. That was you- you wanted to join Hellfire-"

"Yeah, and you made it pretty fuckin' clear I didn't belong in it."

"I'm sorry man. I shouldn't have- if I'd known you, I never would have-"

"That's the problem, Eddie!" Steve shouts, waving the book in front of him. "You didn't know me. You looked at me and decided for me that I was going to be a jock and nothing else and then humiliated me in front of other people! You didn't even bother to try to know me. I spent three weeks reading this stupid book cover to cover because I knew I was shit at reading and I still wanted to try anyway."

He sees Eddie puffing up in anger. "Well, I wasn't exactly wrong, was I? You were a jock, a bully even!"

"Yeah, because I was a dumb, hurt kid who decided that it was better to hurt than be hurt. As if you weren't exactly the same that day, lashing out at me first, at my reading ability, and mocking me for not being quick at math. Fuck you, Munson!" Steve walks away, not hearing anything Eddie shouts after him as he sprints up the stairs and shuts himself in his room.

Steve knows he was a dick in high school, and it's not Eddie's fault he was a dick. Steve made choices he's not proud of and no one forced those choice on him. But Eddie doesn't get to throw that back in his face. Not when Eddie made him feel humiliated and stupid on the first goddamn day of high school, long before Steve became mean himself.

#pre-steddie #my fic #prompt #sophomore eddie is a jerk #but only because he thinks steves gonna be a jerk first so hes gotta beat him to it #also steves very mean to eddie in his thoughts but its only his thoughts #tw: minor character death #its an oc tho #tw: suicide implied but not stated

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