#sorry for borderline venting and thanks for the ask!!

[kapi-tanka]

If you don't do commissions what artistic work you do? I want to get an art related job too but I don't really know how and where to start :(

oh well. i'm sorry but honestly i don't think i can help much since my experience is very specific to russian-speaking communities plus i'm very lucky in terms of upbringing. my mom's an editor and my dad worked as a designer for a long time. they passively taught me a lot of stuff and kind of presented me to my first clients back in the day, plus i've always had to do small things for their own projects too. at this point i just know a bunch of other editors, authors and designers who recommend me to people they know. sometimes new people find my behance portfolio and contact me. i also read a bunch of chats/pages where people post art/design vacancies. but connections were my bread and butter the whole time. i don't even have an art degree, only word of mouth and skill and uhh i also can't say i recommend my field?? i mostly do vector stuff and, to put it lightly, it's boring. the most fun stuff i did was children's book illustration/children's and pedagogical periodics but i feel like it's an overpopulated field in russia and they rarely pay well my current job is okay, though it's very tech and business oriented. their current theme is autopiloted aircrafts lmao. very fun objects to draw, you have no idea, anon. the "best" part is that i have to understand the principles of all the stuff i draw about to depict them properly and to convey the basic concept behind them. i'm not an expert by all means but somehow i end up working on such projects (the worst time was when i had to make infographics on nanotubes and carbon, etc., it was very stressful and scientists weren't great at explaining stuff to dumbasses regular people like me lol). but in my experience this field isn't as crowded as children's illustration since not as many artists want to draw shit like. geodesic drones. i've also had my fair share of corporate vector art. was relatively easy for me (i'm good at adjusting to company artstyles and i like drawing people) but it didn't feel right (imagine drawing APPEALING and ENGAGING pictures on taxes in singapore plus you're an anti-capitalist plus everybody in art community hates how it looks and you just kinda have an existential crisis every single time you draw a smiling dude in a suit)

so yeah. i do lots of labor i don't really enjoy/want to do and i kinda got used to it by adding stuff i find appealing to my work illustrations (such as people, interesting compositions, fun details), BUT i hope you'll find something that suits you personally and something that will bring you joy. good luck!!! (my work doesn't suck 24/7 though, i just tried not to sugar-coat it)

[0kayblue]

Hiiiii! I'm typically a v happy n upbeat person but lately I've just been not feeling like myself. I'm always trying to make people laugh and it's always made me so happy when ppl even express that I light up a room :')) But I guess I feel like I haven't been that light for a bit, and I've just been in my head and I just feel like I've been burdening people or maybe I talk too much and it's just been making me really sad. And I feel bad for venting to people so I've just been handling everything on my own aaaaa. I was wondering if you could create an angst to fluff scenario with leon given the information I gave if possible :')? Happy ending ofcofc!! And if you are to write this ask, if you could include some kind of climax where the reader is breaking down (bc I'm a very emotional person n I'm v sensitive n cry super easily) Pls don't be shy to make it as long as you'd like! I love your work sm 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 and I hope you're doing well!

Light 

You are working on getting everything settled to move in with Leon when your parents pop by short notice things start to head south. They always had a knack for making things go from bad to worse.

Main Character Relations: Leon Kennedy x reader (romantic) 

Word Count: 3k (a little over)

Angst with comfort, borderline abusive behavior, complicated family relations, panic attack, happy ending 

A/N: Hey, anon! I hope you are doing better these days. Just know that you are loved and cared for. I appreciate you and I hope that whatever you are going through leaves you stronger than you were before. If you ever want to just vent, do not hesitate to message me. I may not be able to respond right away (or if you even want me too) or at all, but if you need to get it out. Get it out.  Please be easy on yourself and reach out to those you trust or authorities if it gets too bad. 

With that being said I thank you for your request and I hope that this suffices. I don’t think this is the best thing I've ever written, but it has its moments. Enjoy! 

You sat in the bathroom on the verge of tears with your face in your hands. Your tailbone starts to ache from sitting on the side of the tub, the harsh unforgiving acrylic leaving you with no support. You sniffed before finally standing up and moving in front of the mirror. Staring blankly at your reflection. 

Don’t. Cry. 

You scolded yourself as you looked in the mirror, your eyes slightly red and puffy. 

Stay. Strong. 

Taking a deep shaky breath you flushed the toilet before turning on the sink. Trying your best to pull it together as you splash some cool water on your face. 

You’re fine. You’re always fine. Now go back out there and be what you need to be. 

Your thoughts are harsh and cruel towards yourself as you turn off the faucet and dry your hands before you press on your cheeks, trying to wipe off the excess drops of water. This little worm of self doubt wiggling its way in your ear before you take a deep shaky breath. Plastering on a smile you leave the bathroom. 

You stop for a short moment before entering the living room, biting your inner lip, fixing your smile to something that felt more natural, and walking back to your former spot. Your ears perk as you pay attention, trying to place the room's conversation before sitting back down on your spot on the couch. 

“So, what do you do for work, Leon?” Your mom asks your boyfriend, a coldness to her words. 

“Sorry.” You murmur under your breath, “I told you, he’s head of security.” 

“I know what you’ve said,” your mother glared at you and you try not to wince under her gaze like you did as a child, “I just want him to explain it to me is all.” 

“What is there to explain exactly?” You're defensive, you're on edge, and Leon can more than just see it. His hand finds your thigh and his thumb ghosts over the denim fabric of your jeans. 

“There really isn’t much to explain.” He laughed trying to break the tension up, “I handle security for a warehouse up state. Make sure guards are properly trained, know how to deescalate a situation, stuff like that.”

“Interesting. How’d you fall into a job like that?” Your dad asks and Leon directs his attention back to your father.

Leon meeting your parents wasn’t your brilliant idea. You actually didn’t want him anywhere near them for a multitude of reasons, but your sibling let it slip to your mother that you were moving and it just snowballed from there. Your mother immediately jumped on your case and your father refused to look you in the eyes once he found out a romantic interest was involved. 

Of course none of this helped your current anxious state. The last few days have been more than just rough on you mentally and physically. With Leon being gone, packing, work, and your antidepressants losing their sparkle, you were in bad shape. 

“It just happened, I guess. The police academy didn’t want me and I had to go somewhere.” Leon laughed as he lied. He barely got through the front door before you were shoving a false backstory down his throat. It confused him and this wasn’t how he wanted to do this. He wanted to be honest and direct with your family about his life because someday he wanted to make your family his family. Things were more than just off to a bumpy start as your dad forced out a laugh.

“What made you guys want to drop by?” You ask, trying to relieve Leon of the hot seat. You felt bad for the current situation you put him in, if only he had run a little late. 

“We were out and about and wanted to see if you still were in the place, although I must say it looks better a little bare.” Your mom says as she flips open one of the boxes you had sitting on the coffee table, “You would think to tell your parents you were moving up state with a man you barely know.” Three months, you had told them that you had been dating Leon for only three months.

“I was going to tell you.” You got up, shutting the box and moving it away from her prying eyes. Leon’s concern for you doesn’t go unnoticed as his eyes remain glued to you; watching you bite your tongue in discomfort under the unrelenting gaze of your mother. 

“When?” Your dad asks. He didn’t seem mad, just heart broken. At a loss for words trying to figure out what moment you stopped confiding in him about your life. 

It was about middle school when it happened, when he told you that it was all in your head. That there wasn’t a thing wrong with you because you knew how to light up a room. You knew how to make people feel comfortable, you knew how to make them laugh; and no one who knew how to shine could suffer like the rest. 

“When I got settled. When I figured it out.” 

“When would that have been? When this fantasy of yours doesn’t work out and he leaves you?” Your mom spits before looking at Leon with little remorse, “I’m sorry son, no offense, but I don’t know you.” 

“Mom!” You yelled at her with your patience wearing incredibly thin, “You are not going to come here and start insulting my boyfriend.” 

“She’s just saying what we are all thinking,” your father defends her and it takes everything in you to not roll your eyes. “You’ve said you’ve only known him for three months, Christ, you’re probably lying. You’ve always kept secrets from us.” He was right, but you had your reasons. That didn’t make you feel any less bad about it, but still. You didn’t trust them for a reason and maintained a relationship with them out of guilt. 

“We just think it’s ridiculous that we are the last to know. We are your parents. We raised you. We took care of you; fed you, clothed you, kept a roof over your head. We deserve to know about your whereabouts with some man!” His voice rising and beginning to boom with anger; an anger you thought you had escaped. Your legs shake slightly as Leon stands up, shielding you from your fathers betrayed eyes. Seeing you in a flight or fight response triggering something in him. 

“We just want what’s best for you and I don’t think this is what’s best for you.” Your mom follows up causing your eyes to shift from your dad to your mom, tears welling in your eyes. 

“How do you know, huh? Not like you ever truly cared about anything I wanted.” 

“That is not true.”

“Not once have you called and asked me a damn thing with any true merit.”

“How could we? You are always hiding! Responding to everything with ‘fine’ or locking the damn door before we even knocked.” Your dad scolded you, wondering what happened to all those years he told you to stand your ground. Did those lessons fall on deaf ears or were you just up against something you couldn’t bring yourself to fight anymore?

“Because you don’t give a damn about anything serious in my life! God forbid you focus on how I feel instead of how you feel.”

“That is not-!” Leon raises a firm hand unable to stop himself. Unable to watch this unfold for much longer. He silenced the argument while your father was ready to push. It was an odd sight to see your father cower in his old age, knowing he didn’t stand a chance against Leon. Your heart pounds in your chest, afraid for Leon regardless of watching your dad back down. 

“I’m going to have to stop you, Sir. I think it’s best if you listen to your daughter and leave.” It wasn’t exactly a threat, more of a warning. 

“We need to have this conversation.” 

“I agree, but not today. Not now.” It took a lot for Leon to not call this the ambush that it was. He was still talking to your father, someone he still felt like he had to impress regardless of the current circumstances. 

“If we don’t talk about it today we aren’t bailing you out when this doesn’t work.” Leon’s hands ball into fist and you almost break but Leon beats you to the punch, “Sir, I am certain that if you utter another word like that I will see to it that she will never have to say another word to you again.”

Your parents look at you and you try to hold eye contact with them, but fail as you focus on the wood grain of the floor.  

Your father scoffs in disbelief, “That’s how it is? You’re letting someone else speak for you?” Your father asks in disbelief. He just shakes his head at your lack of a response and walks to and out the front door. 

“I hope you’re happy, you’ve broken his heart, (Y/N).” Your mother said, looking at you one last time with a familiar glare that made you feel guilty for just existing. 

You hear the door slam as you let out a heavy sigh, wiping the few tears that managed to escape away from your face. No one knew how to get to you like your parents did. Leon turns to you softening as he goes to reach for you, but you step back. 

“It’s okay. I’m fine. Let’s just get these boxes sorted.” Your voice flat as you turned back to the box your mother was once prying in. “Th-This one looks like a mix of t-shirts and coffee mugs.” You try not to stutter as you feel his hand on the small of your back. 

“Hey.” He soothes and where you find comfort in his touch you reject him as you pick up the box. You move quickly and set the box on the ground near the boxes you planned on taking to his place, soon to be your shared place, if you didn’t fuck it up. You took a deep breath as you tried to talk down that voice in your head that said your parents were right. 

“I’m- uh- going to check the bedroom for anything else. I’ll be right back.” You moved quickly, nearly sprinting down the hall. 

You felt terrible. You felt like a villain. 

Leon didn’t deserve a villian, he deserved rest. He had just gotten back from a mission to be greeted with this. A complete and utter wreck. He left one fight to come back to another and you felt absolutely responsible. 

Finally finding solace in your now empty room as you carefully shut the door behind you. You manage to walk to the center of the room on wobbly legs. Your chest aching as your fingers tangled themselves in your hair. Every single negative thought you had and every single self destructive feeling bubbles to the surface. Unable to contain it any longer. The air becomes thin as your pulse starts to race and a sharp gasp escapes through your dry lips. 

“(Y/N)?” Leon calls for you desperately, forgoing knocking on the door and just entering. Your eyes lock with his and you try to breathe; try to bring yourself to say something to keep him from overthinking the sight of you absolutely breaking in front of him. The words are lodged in your throat though as he looks at you with complete compassion. Your tears finally spill over as your knees give out and you start to fall to them. Taking in an ugly breath as your lungs tighten and Leon’s hands find your arms, guiding you carefully to the floor. 

You had failed. You had broken. You weren’t strong enough. 

You sobbed as you tried to hide behind your hands as the room felt like it was closing in. Leon was a mess as he scrambled for your attention, “Hey, (Y/N), look at me. I need you to look at me.” His hands firmly run up and down your arms as he tries to find your eyes. Trying to make you look at him, trying to tell you that you aren’t alone. 

You felt his warmth leave you and you squeezed your eyes shut as you brought your knees to your chest unable to place yourself in reality. All you knew was that his warmth was gone and you had convinced yourself he was gone. He wasn’t, he just moved his hands from your arms to your face; forcing you to look at him as you opened your eyes. “Breathe. I need you to breathe.” His words barely reach you, but they do as you nod. “With me, okay? In.” 

You take a deep breath in, following his instruction. 

“Out.” You let out and he repeats, “In.” You continue to follow as he coaches you through the process three more times. Your body is not shaking with as much intensity as your chest starts to relax. Your ribs are no longer burning as the air in the room is no longer thick, making it easy to swallow. Your chest rises and falls with your lungs as the tears slow, but continue to flow. 

“I-I’m sorry.” You get out as your hand finds his chest for support as you begin to unfold yourself. 

“Don’t. You have nothing to apologize for. Not a damn thing.” Leon says, fighting every urge in his body to pull you into his embrace. You sniff as he wipes tears from your red hot cheeks. “Where are you?” He asks, trying to distract you and get you grounded.

“My place.” You answer. 

“What do you taste?” 

“Salt.” 

“What do you see?” 

“You.” He can’t help but smile at your answer. One hand lets go of your face to tuck your hair behind your ear. “Can I hold you?” 

‘You still want to? I’m snotty.’ Was what entered your head and it was supposed to leave your lips with a smirk and you were supposed to let out a light laugh, but it’s not what came out. 

“Please.” A simple ‘please’ was all you could muster as your arms wrapped around his neck while he pulled you to his chest. Laying your head against his chest you could hear the beating of his heart. Gentle thumps that help you keep track of time as you start to register that you’re in control of your breathing. Leon takes a deep breath, his own worries settling as you relax against his chest. 

“My love.” He mutters into your hair while he rubs your back. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He’s been worried about you since he got back, the subtle things you did telling him you weren’t alright. How you distanced yourself in conversation and weren’t as quick witted as usual. He knew that this episode wasn’t all because of your parents, he knew you typically knew how to handle your own against them. 

Letting them roll off your back because it wasn’t worth fighting with them when they’d just make it all your fault anyway. 

“N-no.” Your breath hitching in your throat, unsure, “Give me a minute. Please.” Finally feeling your limbs ache from the stress as the stiffness in your form starts to ease. 

“Take your time, just stay with me. Breathe.” You closed your eyes and despite all of this, you smiled. His warmth enveloping you in comfort as you felt whole. You nodded, continuing to breathe. 

“I’m afraid I’ve lost it.” You joked and he just shook his head before placing a firm kiss on your temple. Sniffing you rubbed your nose on your sleeve as you settled into the calmness of your thoughts quieting. 

“No, you’re alright. I’ve got you.” He assures you as your heart breaks slightly. “You’ve just had a rough couple of days. You’ll be back on your feet in no time, you’re too stubborn to stay down.” You laughed slightly and his grip on you tightened. His heart burns at the sound of your laughter and his shoulders relax. He was scared there for a minute that he’d never hear your laughter again. 

“I love you.” It falls from your lips softly as you look at him. In times like these he was the light in the dark and he shined ten times brighter than you ever could. He’d argue with you a thousand times over about it though and tell you that you were crazy for even thinking he could outshine you. 

You found Leon in one of the darkest times of his life, he was an absolute wreck. He felt so much that he felt nothing at all. All his positive attributes drained from him slowly, as he started giving up on the world completely. He could’ve sworn he was a goner until one day in the darkness of a crummy bar he saw this light. He saw you mingling amongst strangers, making them laugh, making them comfortable. A lantern burning with a light that he would happily stay blinded by just as long as he could feel the warmth that radiated off of you. 

“I love you more.” His palm found the smoothness of your cheek as his thumb ghosted over your cheek bone. Examining your tired glassy eyes and the way your brows furrowed in exhaustion as he saw you try to place where he was. He sends you a warm smile before his lips find yours in a chaste safe kiss. Regretfully parting from you he speaks again, “What do you say we call it a day and head home? I’ll run you a bath and you can say as little or as much as you want. Deal?” You nod and as you go to push him away from you so you could stand he only holds you tighter. An arm resting under the bend of your knees while his other arm firmly holds you against him. You nearly squeal as he stands with no trouble as he savors the feeling of you clinging to his t-shirt. 

“I can walk, y’know.” 

“I know, but you don’t need to. I’d carry you everywhere if you let me.” You rolled your eyes while you laughed at this dork. A triumphant smile on his face, “Let’s get you home, light of mine.”

“I know, but you don’t need to. I’d carry you everywhere if you let me.” You rolled your eyes while you laughed at this dork. A triumphant smile on his face, “Let’s get you home, little light.”

[mushroominaforest]

How are u doing?

I’m good, thanks for asking!

I had a shower and I don’t feel gross anymore, so we can all pretend I never had that dramatic little breakdown where I posted vent art about my friend who borderline assaulted me once. 👍

I really try to be impersonal on the internet, so I’m a bit disappointed in myself that I did end up posting vent art lol.

But anyways, I am going to start working on au stuff again so hopefully my blog can get back to normal. Sorry about all this!

Thanks for checking in, I appreciate it! <3

[makuro-ua]

Hi! i’ve never requested anything so hopefully I did this right! Could you do something for Wally with an incredibly anxious/borderline agoraphobic significant other? like how he would help them with the anxiety and fears? thank you!

Wally Darling x Anxious! GN! Reader

“I’ll keep you safe.”

Warnings : None

{——————————————————}

When you came in the neighborhood, Wally was a bit confused why you were always so… visibly anxious.

He watched you from afar, noticing your body language and how you were visibly shaking around the other neighbors. 

It was worrying to say the least, and he was more concerned when he began talking to you.

You told him it was normal for you to be anxious all the time, and how you felt nervous, fiddly, etc. around things or places.

Wally listened to you, his eyes softening and glistening in slight worry the more you went on about it.

“Oh, my dear… Could you tell me what your fears are, what makes you nervous or scared all the time?”

And so you did.

Wally told you to vent to him, rant to him, whenever. He’s always willing to listen to you. And if you were anxious to tell him things— take your time. But he’d always give you reminders that he’s there when you need him.

After these soft spoken conversations, Wally was more attentive to how you acted and tried to look closely at you if you ever felt uncomfortable or nervous.

Wally would definitely give you portraits though, as well as other presents, letters, and your favorite food along with words of reassurance if you’re in a really bad mood.

But whenever you’re in a tight situation, he’d walk in the conversation you’re in and makes up an excuse that he needs to borrow you for important matters, such as being his muse!

Of course, that may have flustered you. But he enjoyed drawing you.

During the sessions he drew you, he’d always give you words of assurance. 

These words of assurance gradually turned into a confession.

He told you that you were the prettiest person on the planet, and he’d tell you how attractive you are when you talk. Your personality, your eyes, your hair— everything.

You felt your face heat up and your words were stuck in your throat.

Wally was curious why you were so quiet all of the sudden. 

“Dearest?”

He looks away from his canvas and notices your embarassed expression.

Wally stood up from his seat and walked towards you— grabbing your hands and rubbing his fingers over your knuckles in an attempt to comfort you.

“Did— did I say something wrong?”

Wally asked with worry laced in his voice. You shook your head.

He tells you to take a few deep breaths first and take your time on telling him what was the problem.

“You…you…” 

You were trying to say the next word, and Wally was patiently waiting for you to finish.

“You confessed.”

Now, it was time for Wally’s face to heat up.

“I did? Oh, gosh— sorry.”

You immediately shook your head, and hugged him. 

Wally felt butterflies swarm inside his stomach.

“[Y/N]?”

You told him that you also felt the same way about him, and Wally hugged back, letting out a small laugh.

“I see. Well then, that means I’m the luckiest man in the neighborhood.”

He snickered, before pulling away from the hug and giving your forehead a small kiss.

“If you ever have a problem, tell me okay?”

{——————————————————}

A/N : Hi, Anon! I hope you enjoyed this one. I’m not quite sure if I got your request right?, but hopefully I did. It’s my first time writing requests. And as always, thank you for reading!

[frownyalfred]

I was sorry to see you dealing with so many critical comments in Borderline recently, mostly because I love that fic and I love seeing characters in complex situations making bad choices sometimes. But I ALSO wanted to say that the way you're handling it is very classy. I have been dealing with some terrible comments on my own fics lately, and I find myself going to your page to learn how to handle it in a way that's fair, without being overly reactive or targeting anyone. Sometimes I can't tell whether to delete a comment or not, or whether to respond to a criticism or not, especially when my own hurt feelings get in the way. It really helps to see how someone else deals with it in a wise and experienced fashion. So thank you for that. If you have any further tips, too, I'd love to hear them!

Thank you so much anon! And I'm really, truly sorry that you're also dealing with hurtful comments. Nobody deserves that, especially authors working for free to put content out there.

I appreciate this ask a lot since there have been many times in the last few months where I have blown up privately, been upset, considered nuking everything, and generally reacted very poorly to negative, condescending, backhanded, or downright abusive comments. I was not handling it well! I was feeling hurt, and definitely not wise!

I have some wise, wise writing friends though. And generally, after venting (quite understandably) I think most authors know, in their gut, how they want to respond to these kinds of comments.

My advice is as follows, and it's been what I've pieced together from friends and my own experiences in the last few weeks:

Stand by your fic and your choices. It's great to slightly alter your plot when people respond really positively to a character, for example, but don't let a crowd of angry commenters force your hand on any decision, whether it's small or large. Would you have removed that character if there hadn't been three comments about it?

Try to be the adult in the room. Even if you're not older than your commenters or readers, the rule still stands. Try not to sink to their level (barring some necessary cases) and get in the mud. You're the author and you have all the power! Mute them, block them, lock down your comments -- the only power they have is through commenting, and getting into your head. That's power you can give them, or take away from them.

Be honest about how the comments make you feel. A lot of times, I think authors layer their hurt in other, more acceptable reasons. It's okay to be hurt by a backhanded, but well-intentioned comment. Saying "I appreciate this comment but the way you phrased it hurt me for x reason" is a totally mature and realistic way to respond to comments like that. Or telling readers something like "Please don't yell at each other/the characters in my comments, it stresses me out and makes me feel like you're upset with the story and/or me" is what I ended up doing.

Don't get caught in the weeds. Delete the comments that make you upset. Really. You don't need to respond to every comment (I have several rants about this already) and if you do, you definitely don't need to respond to ones that make you sad, upset, etc. If deleting that weird comment or skipping over a reply will make you feel better, do it! I'm sure your readers would prefer you skip a response over you getting hung up on a mean comment and not writing.

Know when to walk away. I took a break from writing borderline because it was stressing me out. Like, my already-high blood pressure was getting higher. I took a month off and wrote other things, and when I was ready to put up a new chapter, the words came really quickly and I was inspired again <3 It's also 100% okay if you never come back to that fic or series again -- your mental health is always -- always -- more important.

6. (bonus) sometimes saying "fuck you" is better than anything else. Sometimes, the pettiness wins, and you're not the adult in the room. I get it. I've ranted a lot on here and posted a lot about (anonymized) comments I've received. So yeah, fuck you, random assholes commenting awful things to me about sexual assault -- one day I hope to find a way to block my fics from ever being read by you again.

Sorry this was a bit of a rant. If you ever want to talk, anon, my inbox/DMs are always open. I'm sorry again that you're receiving hateful comments -- you don't deserve it, and your work deserves to flourish on its own. I hope you keep repeating that to yourself <3

[a-sip-of-milo]

Sorry for this vent, but I need to get this off my chest. This is gonna be really long.

To the 'narc abuse', 'borderline abuse', 'histrionic abuse' etc truthers:

I've had an incredible life, no trauma whatsoever. I've never known what a mental breakdown is, was top student throughout my school years. No bullies, no mean teachers, no abusive parents. Lived rich, won awards, never had a single problem in my life.

I was still a piece of shit.

I'm not empathetic whatsoever. I don't know how to comfort someone when they cry. I was severely detached with all my classmates I was so fucking insensitive. I throw fits of rage if things aren't as perfect as I visualised them. I always shift the blame to others, and if I'm held accountable, I don't know how to actually feel sorry when apologising, even until now. And I'm a neurotypical.

I don't mind being hated for this next part, it's perfectly understandable. TW for abusive & manipulative behaviour, scroll down until you see a #.

At 10, I called a classmate who was autistic and dyslexic "retarded" for not being able to write something despite knowing damn well they were disabled.

At 11, I verbally abused my 8 year old sister multiple times to the point of tears. I insisted (and believed) that she was just being oversensitive. This behaviour started long ago, this is when it reached its peak. It's still happening, but now she is mature enough to stand up to herself and I am mature enough to not be too harsh.

At 12, I gaslighted my then best friend into thinking she was the problem when we got involved in some drama I started. When she didn't take the fall for me, I ignored her for weeks. She started cutting, and I called her an attention seeker.

From then onwards, things just got worse. I stopped being a responsible child to my parents, frequently blamed my friends for anything that went wrong, and took advantage of my little sister's love for me.

And I did not have a single excuse. All I could say was 'I'm sorry', knowing that I'm lying. It's not that I saw my actions as 'okay', my heart just never ached like it was supposed to.

#

For those that scrolled to skip the triggering parts, I just want to say that I was a shitty person and had no excuse for it. I know that, as a child who had the best circumstances amongst her peers, there is nothing you can forgive about it.

I was, in a way, an abuser too. My friend who, at that time, had undiagnosed BPD, was still kinder than me. And before you anti-pd mfers start attacking me, I wanna tell you loud and clear:

No NPD, no BPD, no HPD, no DID, no BS.

I was an abuser.

I'm a neurotypical.

Sorry this took me so long to get to. I really appreciate and admire your honestly, and I hope that you've taken the steps to better yourself since then. I also hope that these people have found peace.

Thank you for your ask <3

[dimonds456]

Also are you doing okay?

I think so. I've got a therapist, and supportive friends. I'm slowly becoming more and more financially stable. One of my disabilities is going away, one I thought would be with me for life! I've even got a top surgery letter now, and we're working on getting a consultation with a surgeon!

But I'm also realizing how fucked everything is. Sorry, I kinda vented to you, but it's below the cut so you don't have to read it. Just, overall, I think I'm doing okay. I know I'll be alright. But fuck man it's hard to believe it sometimes, lmao.

I'm just also coming to realize how fucked up my childhood actually was. How fucked up the whole world is. How one person can singlehandedly make your life hell, and that just deciding to get away from them isn't enough.

It's been hard. On a personal level, I've been dealing with borderline abuse for the better part of 3 years, since I finally moved into my own apartment; once online, and twice IRL now. It's been every form of abuse except physical and sexual, but even then, I still felt physically unsafe around one of my abusers. Like he could have hurt me if he stayed around much longer.

The most latest example of it was my ex roommate, who had to be moved out of our place because of his screaming at us, throwing things, extreme beliefs, and illegal things like stealing money. And he still lives in this building, too, just not with us anymore. The new people who have to deal with him now actually just contacted us to ask us how tf we got rid of him, aha.

But even aside from that, on a more broad level, I've come to realize my own learned helplessness (the clinical term), trauma, and am struggling to come to terms with how true a lot of that stuff is.

I am helpless when it comes to ending an overseas "war" that I don't really have any stakes in anyway, aside from a moral one. I don't have family in Gaza, I don't know anyone there, but that shouldn't matter, y'know? It's still terrible, and I still can't help anyone there. No matter how loud we scream, the politicians are doing everything they can to drag their feet and are trying to get Israel to end it as fast as possible so people will just shut up about it already. They know we know, too, and are just trying to save face and it pisses me off. But what can I do about it? Not a whole lot!

I'm helpless when it comes to getting my family's acceptance of my own identity, or the constant misgendering at work, or the sexual harassment I keep getting from customers. Like, just today, two different guys offered to get me a pop or something, and my first instinct WASN'T to be like "oh thank you!" Instead, I raised my hackles in a "why are you being nice to me" way. That's not normal. It's a learned behavior and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm helpless to help my friend, who lives in an actively abusive household here in the States. Not mine, but within a day's drive of here if I got up early. We've called CPS, the cops, I've compiled a HUGE Google Doc of all the evidence we could find, I'm in touch with their sibling, I've straight-up TALKED to their abusive father (which was terrifying holy shit), and still NOTHING has changed. I think we're just gonna have to wait until they're old enough to move out, which fucking sucks.

I'm helpless to even help myself a lot of the time. My abusive relationships in the past have killed a lot of my creativity, energy, and overall positivity. I don't know if I'll ever really get it back.

But I'm doing what I can. I'm standing up for what's right in any way I can, I'm keeping tabs on my friend, I'm educating myself and diving into history, I'm trying to point my parents in the right directions, I'm trying to help my sibling from a distance, anything I can. I just feel like it isn't enough, y'know?

On the whole, I'm doing alright. And I'll be okay. But those bad days be hitting, lol.

[kaycode1999]

Hello! I’d love to ask for an LMK matchup, but I’m not sure if you do them for anons. Would you also mind me resubmitting this ask if you don’t?

Appearance:

I have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Also vertically challenged coming at 5’1.

Pronouns & Sexuality:

I go by she/her and I’m heterosexual.

Aesthetic:

My actual aesthetic is casual with a preference for lighter colours. However, my favourite aesthetics are vintage and light academia.

Hobbies:

I love indoor activities, but I’m open to taking walks and going outside. I usually draw, play video games, and watch video essays about anything that catches my interest. I can’t do anything too physically taxing or I will suffer.

My Type:

Just someone who’s patient with me as I try to figure out myself, helping me whenever I get stuck, and is sorta similar to me in a way. I want someone who understands and doesn’t mind me being wishy washy with my affection. Doesn’t mind that I am not physically affectionate and can struggle with being affectionate. Someone that prefers quiet moments, doesn’t mind my occasional rants. We have a silent connection, and can usually tell what the other wants/needs. Someone who’s willing to talk and be honest with me about how they feel, and I can wait if they’re not ready. Looks wise, I prefer less muscular, taller than me (not a tall ask haha), and cute/pretty guys (I don’t mind hot/handsome though.)

Personality:

I can be slightly withdrawn and anxious at first meeting, opting to be accommodating and generally nice. But once I open up, I can be energetic and talkative. I’m very open-minded to everything and everyone (logically, there’s no reason for me to hate!), but I have trouble opening up and talking about my emotions, and can only do that comfortably under some form of anonymity (online friends for example) or if someone has prior experience with me venting. I will jump to defend people close to me if they’re being disrespected, and I can get pretty heated in the process. My friends tell me I can be brutally honest, borderline mean sometimes, but I really don’t mean to be (I have a different perception of what is rude.) Slightly touch-averse, but I won’t mind if you ask. I don’t like myself, but I don’t actively put myself down either. Finally, I am clueless about pop culture, and I can come off as pretty boring because of that.

Characters I don’t want:

I don’t want to be matched with Peng, The Mayor, or any character similar because I don’t like their personalities. Also Pigsy, Tang and Sandy, because I genuinely cannot see them in a romantic light.

Thank you! And I’m sorry for this long ask.

I match you with

Ao Lie

You two are like Yin and Yang or the sun and the moon ( Yes I did that on purpose😂). You are both so alike, yet different.

Where one person struggles, the other excels and just ends up lifting the other person up. For example, he struggles to stand up for himself or express when he doesn't like something whereas you're blunt yet honest

In that way you both learn and grow with each other and make each better

His personality is much like yours. He's also energetic and talkative and nice, but he also struggles with self-confidence and liking himself. He also knows you're a lot like him so he makes sure that even if you don't like yourself that you know he does- you do the same for him too

He kind of has to stick with indoor activities or something not too taxing because bless him he's so clumsy he might actually accidentally hurt himself so he tends to stick with you in whatever activity you are doing

Draw him something and he will keep it on his person at all times. Its so dear to him.

He will of course respect any physical boundaries and/or be understanding of your level of affection.

You two are actually so close, you just get each other. You don't have to tell each other to know what the other needs, so he will likely already know what you need at the moment before you say it.

Whatever you need he's there just like you're there for him .

[transmisogyny-explained]

I'll be blunt/honest and say I am not the smartest person/am kinda an idiot. This is not intended to be negative/self-hate, I just strongly suspect the answers to my questions must be obvious to most people. And I'm hoping that acknowledging it will help show the sort of mindset I'm coming from (uneducated/ignorant on the topic I think. But wanting to learn)

I have a genuine question regarding this/the topic surrounding it if it's okay:

If your response to seeing women being celebrated in any way is to say “This needs more men,” then you’re just a misogynist. There are no two ways about it.

I thought the OP/someraven person was trying to say they wanted more transmasc and nonbinary representation (I think they mentioned nonbinary, sorry I could be remembering that wrong) but explained it very poorly/ended up making it seem like transwomen/transfeminine people are at fault in the process (transwomen/transfeminine people are not at fault), do I have that wrong? I'm not too good with words/social cues (I'm not sure if that's the right word for what I'm trying to say, sorry)

My main question though is: How can one say they want to see more transmasc or nonbinary representation in ways that don't take away from/demonize transfeminine people/transwomen? Like what is a better way to go about that? Is there a better way at all?

Because it would be nice to see more stuff with transmen (and nonbinary people, but now my question has shifted toward focusing on transmen/transmasculine people) but I also don't want to unintentionally sound like I'm saying I want less transwomen/transfeminine representation if that makes sense

I guess like: Say something has 10 transwomen, 12 cis women, 14 cis men, and 8 transmen. I'd want everyone bumped up to 14 rather than knocking everyone down to 8.

(1/2)

(Same anon as a second ago, the one who asked about the someraven stuff)

Does that make sense? I don't know if that makes sense. Sorry, I'm not sure if this question is transmisogynistic or not. I'm not trying to be.

— I do want to warn you I am a transman, just very isolated from people (and communities. I have poor communication skills in general and I'm trying to I guess catch up to where everyone is knowledge-wise. I thought I saw something in your About that said it was okay for transmasc people to ask questions though but if I misremembered I am very sorry. You don't have to answer this at all (stating in case you feel pressured to. I don't know how else to say it but now that I type it it sounds like I'm giving you permission which is not my intent but I don't know how else to phrase it. That's the phrase I usually hear from people I'm sorry)

Also, I had a question about this too, sorry:

Remember that, while your experiences are valid and you're allowed to be upset, being mistaken for a transfeminine person will never be as traumatizing an experience as actually being one.

I understand how being transfeminine is more traumatizing than being mistaken for a transfeminine person, the question isn't about that (I think? If it is I guess I haven't made the mental connection sorry). And I understand the "your experiences are valid part" regarding transmasc people but I guess I don't understand how they're valid?

Like, what does valid mean here? Are transmasc people allowed to vent/say when they're upset or does voicing it inherently take away from transfeminine people/transwomen? Is there a way to do it without taking away from transfeminine people/transwomen?

I think it might be important to say that I'm still struggling to unlearn black-and-white thinking (I have Borderline Personality Disorder) and I am 90% sure it's affected how I'm processing this topic/ making me process it wrong but I'm having trouble figuring out which parts are wrong on my own. Thank you for your time regardless of if you answer this or not

(2/2)

Yes, that sometimesraven person did strongly imply that transfeminine people are at fault for the lack of representation for transmasc and nonbinary people. But, more importantly (imo), the argument they were making was extremely bioessentialist.

If all they had said was, “I wish this magazine had included more trans men/other types of trans people,” that would still be a bit suspicious, because transfeminine representation is still trans representation. But they’d at least have the point that it wasn’t being billed as a transfem-exclusive magazine, and representing a diversity of experiences is always a good thing.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see more representation of transmasc and other types of trans experiences, nor is there anything wrong with saying that. But what sometimesraven was specifically saying is that there was a lack of “AFAB representation” and that AFAB people were being made to feel isolated within the trans community because of this.

This is just plainly bioessentialism. There is no universal experience uniting AFAB people, trans or otherwise, while excluding AMAB people.

To give you an example of what I mean: Let’s say the magazine interviewed an agender person who specifically spoke on what it’s like trying to present gender neutrality within a highly gendered world. Whether that person was AMAB or AFAB might have had a great deal of impact on their gender experiences; but other agender people, regardless of AGAB, might also be able to read and relate to that article either way. Meanwhile, if a binary trans man reads an article from an AFAB nonbinary woman talking about their experiences partially identifying with their AGAB, he’s probably not going to relate to it very much at all.

I don’t think that what they were saying was the result of poor choice of wording. I think they’re just a transmisogynist who views transfeminine people as being fundamentally different from and incapable of understanding the experiences of “AFAB people.” In other words, a bioessentialist, someone who views people as having innate and immutable qualities based on the gender they were assigned at birth.

As for your second question: Yes, in this context, “valid” means you’re allowed to talk about your experiences, and also that whatever trauma you may have gone through should not be ignored or downplayed.

But — and I don’t mean to sound rude here — I think this is a very social media-oriented way of framing this question. My question would be what does “vent” mean in this context? Does it mean just talking to a friend? Because, yeah, you’re allowed to say whatever you want in the privacy of your own home.

Do you mean posting about it? Because, in that case, you do have to be careful not to detract from whatever conversations about transmisogyny may be going on at the time. Don’t post it in tags which transfems frequently use, don’t vent in transfems’ inboxes or on their posts, make it clear that you’re just venting and it’s not an invitation for constructive discourse… That’s basically it.

For TMEs, there needs to be a separation between the personal, private matter of dealing with transmisogyny — both within yourself, and in whatever ways it may have indirectly affected you — and the public-facing activism of dismantling it within our communities. If you understand that not every step of your journey towards unlearning transmisogyny needs to be broadcasted for the world to see, then it should become pretty easy to recognize when it is and is not appropriate to discuss your experiences with misdirected transmisogyny.

If you ever feel the need to bring up these experiences in discussions of transmisogyny, I ask that you take a minute to reflect and really ask yourself, “Is what I’m saying constructive to the conversation, or do I just need to vent about something that really negatively affected me?” If the answer is the latter, then ask yourself the followup, “Is what I’m venting about something that I really need to share with the world, or would it be better reserved for people that I trust?”

[jjungkooksthighs]

I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, anon. I have struggled writing updates for this story because of the lack of confidence that came with negative feedback surrounding the diction in the earlier chapters of the story, but it is comments like these that put those shattered pieces of my confidence back together.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't my ask that you've replied to. But I couldn't help but vent.

Negative feedback? Don't you worry about that, darling. The way you write is absolutely gorgeous. It makes me feel all that the characters feel. It helps me escape the stress. And most of all, the idea of love in COC is so.. raw. So passionate. So strong! You've portrayed the characters and their emotions in delightfully well! It's very very special.. the way you write. It's poetry. Art that must be out there in the form a printed book, I feel. It would definitely win over millions of hearts. The way you string together words is what inspired me to start writing. Keep up the wonderful work and don't let anything snuff that confidence down. (if you get the reference 😏)

With love,

~ Lily ♡

Thank you, Lily. You have been a constant supporter of this story (and of its writer), so it really is very heartwarming to read your thoughts on my work. Especially since you’ve read it as much as you have. (I remember your asks about that.)

Sometimes I sit and think about just scrapping the story, but then there are people like you that send your support my way be it through asks or comments on my chapters/posts regarding my writing, and it really does make me rethink that idea.

People have left some nasty responses to my work. It’s never a good feeling to read that. It shatters what little confidence I do have.

But where this darkness, there is also light. Where I have gotten mean and borderline inappropriate responses to my work, I have also gotten positive and kind feedback. It is that which helps rebuild my confidence.

Well, that, and changing my writing style.

I’m rambling. I’m sorry. I just have been writing for so much of my life that I don’t know where I’d be without it. COC, Undercurrent, YFY, QOTS… those stories got me through some rough times, and one of them I hope to publish one day. (Not COC, lol.)

It’s hard to feel like I would ever succeed as an established author if I did attempt to do something like that. Especially when I’ve received disrespectful comments like some that I have had on COC.

Still, my stories are like my children. It takes a lot to raise them from simple concepts to entire entities that exist apart from me and develop with me their to guide them.

I’m glad that one of them you have come to love.

[chocoenvy]

heyo, it’s me pretty anon. (i like it better than bully anon too :))

i think i fucked up

so, i’ll keep this simple since i need to go to bed cause it’s like 4:30am and i get up at 8 lmao.

since the cruise my dad and step-mom decided to physically split as well. my dad is signing for a divorced in the next couple of days. my step-mom is in a completely different state rn with her youngest daughter and mother. my mom mom doesn’t know about the divorced and honestly i think no one’s told her since we don’t wanna hear it.

so um, i haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to anyone about this stuff since i live in a small town and everyone knows everyone yknow? so firstly, thank you for letting me vent. it’s nice to talk to someone the same age anonymously. you give good advice.

anyway, all of this has kinda been building up on me, which is super weird cause i thought i wouldn’t care. i’m a senior in high school rn so it’s not like i can’t go visit her once i graduate. and my dad and step mom are both encouraging me to keep up a relationship with her. she wasn’t really around much and when she was it was only ever good one on one since with my dad it would be borderline abusive. (or maybe actually abusive, i’m not really sure i know how to identify it. it just seems normal to me)

my dad also asked me if i had contacted my step mom like a couple days after she left. i’d been wanting to but i had no idea what to say to her. so i didn’t. he said to me, and i don’t think i’ll ever forget this, “oh. i thought you loved her.” in the most casual tone. my heart is broken. i got really upset with him and he literally could not comprehend why. i’m starting to second guess myself if i loved her or not. i know for a fact that i did, but does she know it?

so yknow the new ios 16 update? weird change of pace i know but i swear it’s important. well i just decided like an hour ago to get it and i fucking hate it. fun fact, if you have spotify on and your phone turns off then they change YOUR LOCKSCREEN to match the spotify song. wtf. well i started off hating it cause i had to scroll through over 2,000 photos just to find the exact same ones i was currently using (it’s venti and xiao btw) and i started hyperventilating.

well i was doing my daydreams when i realized the spotify thing. and i completely stopped. i had a full blown panic attack for at least 45 minutes. i was hyperventilating so hard i honestly thought i was going to passed out. i later down so i at least wouldn’t fall and everything.

i think i panicked because of all the penh up emotions that i have going on rn.

after i finally calmed down, i went over to plug in my chrome book for school. and then i remembered i had an eyebrow razor in my backpack…

i think you know what i meant when i said i fucked up.

it was only four cuts. not deep enough to draw blood except for one, all tiny on my thigh where no one can see them. i can’t believe i did it though. and the worst part, the absolute worst part is, the relief i felt? it’s like i actually have control.

i know you said the ice cube method. i’ve actually told other freinds going through a hard time about it too. but at the moment, i just wasn’t thinking straight.

im scared im gonna do it again. any ideas on what i should do? lol

with love, pretty anon

HELLO PRETTY <33 I'm so sososososo sorry for answering this so late but!

tw: self harm, relapses, sensitive topics

It's completely valid and I cannot fault you for relapsing it is a very normal part of healing. So long as you get back up, everything will be okay I promise.

But! I remembered an app that I had come across some years ago. I forgot the name and when I tried to look it up i found calm harm.

The app I thought of describes self harm as a wave. The want to harm yourself flows in and then out. It comes and goes. The trick is to distract yourself before the feeling takes over your actions. Calm Harm definitely helps with it from what I've seen. I've never tried these apps though. There are also counters that count how long you've gone without cutting if that kind of thing helps.

Would definitely recommend! As well as watching videos or creating a playlist full of videos/songs that make you happy! Find something that makes you happy and hold onto it for when you need it! I can completely understand not being in the right state of mind and forgetting it which is why you should have it on your phone so you can access it before you can access something else. It also helps if you're ever in public - or even in private - and need to calm down.

Gather resources to prepare for these down times. It'll help!

I understand that self harm can feel good, god trust me I know, but it's not worth it. There are other things that can make you feel better than self harm can. And I can't speak for you but after I self harm I just feel so much shame?? And fear?? Mostly because I don't want someone to find them but I just feel ashamed.

I can't explain it and I really don't have much room to talk because I'm still stuck in self harm. But if it means anything, I would be very proud to see you heal from this <3

I'm glad you can talk about this anonymously but if you ever need to talk to me one on one my dms are always open <3

Take care! And I'm sorry for answering so late, I hope you're okay <33

[ghostslimu]

introduction 2.0 the updated edition

UPDATE: art account wooo!! @ghostslimu-art hi! this used to be a system blog but turns out we have a lot more to say! cw a lot of text. like, a wall of text. sorry formatting not my hobby

(scroll a little for DNI)

about me ("host" or rather, most frequent fronter): - i go by virgil (or mika), he/him - 18 (body's age) - in a lot of (pretty mainstream, sorry) fandoms but will probably never talk about them here - transmasc (mostly binary, just some guy) bi and on the aroace spectrum!! - in an (outer system) poly relationship with 2 dudes who have no idea this blog exists - formally diagnosed with a lot of stuff but that's none of your business - i write! very rarely also draw - i like horror and romance and sometimes fantasy!!

about the whole system: - we don't have a system name sadly sorry - a lot of alters, even more fragments (50+) - traumatized, putting the dissociative and disorder in DID. being a system is, generally for us, not all that fun - no collective stance on syscourse, so don't ask us about it. each alter is entitled to their own opinion, and most of us just don't care enough to have one, sorry - all information on introjects and littles will be kept off this blog for our own safety, unless they want to participate in posting in the future! - we want to reblog more but are often too shy to interact with other people #socialanxiety, so this blog is mostly just a collection of our stream of consciousness, sorry about that. this is less of a social media profile and more of an archive - all posts are rebloggable and can be reblogged by anyone no need to even ask

strict DNI: - basic criteria. racists, antisemites, homophobes, maps, terfs, etc. - believe in "narcissistic abuse" or "borderline abuse" or any other "disorder + abuse" format - fakeclaimers - porn blogs

loose DNI (aka "it depends"): - proshipper, the term is so broad it can mean whatever so to make it clear: if you fetishize and glamorize incest or pedophilia, that's gross. if you just want to ship problematic (consenting) couples, that's fine!! if you write or read about heavy disturbing topics with critical thought, that's also fine - aesthetic blogs, if you're just here to reblog our vents. our suffering isn't pretty - strong opinions on syscourse, because we won't be able to collectively agree with you. if you only follow strictly pro or anti blogs, then this one might not be for you!! - young people. generally, there won't be anything explicitly 18+ on here, but please beware and follow at your own risk!! also, if you're too young to be on this site, you're also too young to follow. we feel most comfortable with people/systems who are (bodily) 18+ - ed blogs. i get it, i've been formally diagnosed. if you relate to a mental health post, you relate to it. feel free to reblog, just don't add any triggering commentary to any of our posts, thank u system members (here's where there used to be picrews but our appearances fluctuate so frequently, there's not much sense to that): kurt - caretaker/manager/fronting gatekeeper - 27 - he/him salem - former persecutor/now protector - 16 - she/they griffin - protector - 16 - he/they mici - headspace gatekeeper/archivist - ageless - they/he/she meta (formerly bunny) - former little - ageless - they/them svi - persecutor - 17 - he/they freddie - protector - 20-something - he/him the rest won't use this blog/are kept private for safety reasons!! please do not ask about them unless we're friends!! also keep in mind that we don't sign off as we're often blurry and it's just too much work!

[probablyaseamonster]

Hey just saw you recent post....are you okay?

I hope you don't mind me extending this to also mean me going radio silent for weeks and then spam-reblogging seemingly unrelated fandom shit, emphasis on the seemingly *

No I'm fucking not :)

*TW vent posting, might make you feel guilty but trying so hard not to provoke that reaction in you

[I need you to know that there's a gun emoji beside that happy face, and it's not for suicide btw. Literally the most important thing ever to me, I am living in a Fear Domain lol]

which if anyone cares wtf I do on this site you'd know that's not in character for me, not bitter at all. Reality is other people being too busy to see you and always having to be aware that everyone else's reasons are so valid and important and you need to stop interrupting that with your cries for help because you're making those unable to help you feel guilty

Also if this is the first thing you see of me and you get the impression that I'm a fake-positivity kinda person and can relate to the tons of protagonist characters who relate to Happy Face, that is literally the opposite of me. I'm always a swirl of bad vibes (according to my sister, one of several bully forces in my life) I only used the smile emoji for the first time today 'cause angry emojis are cringe and sad emojis are tiring and I've never once even tried to fake hapiness but by now it is borderline life threatening and I'm not allowed to relate to people in a dystopia because that implies I live in a dystopia and those who uphold the system can't have that, hence the legal murder)

Also btw I am also living out that one episode of OK:KO right now, with Dendy hiding in a dark room with the last remaining shitty technology. Which is also cringe to talk about. It's making fuzzy noises and I'm bracing for a crash. Suspiciously convenient, esp since my occasional "bedtime" is 10:00. I am 20 years old.

Anyway thanks for being the one person to ask how I'm doing *. It's extremely healing, after being what feels like emotionally/mentally version of touch-starved for most of my life with several escape attempts gone poorly. Sorry about the bad vibes.*

*

[tumblr formatting is annoying.]

Maybe I should take responsibility on that, this is the one sight I didn't cry for help on more posts than fun, I'm aalways saying "expecting people to sympathize with you and then refusing to show any signs of valnurability or relatability or that you've suffered in any way because apparently I need to learn privacy would make me just like my sister. We have zero sibling love."

[abiiors]

Thank you so so much for your reply, sometimes I feel like I was going insane by saying that what she said on her album is not necessarily 100% true.

I was talking about this with some swifties friends and their response was always “she doesn’t lie, and you can see that by the fact that her ex bfs never said anything contradicting what she said in her albums” which is such a naive response? Like I told them that these men don’t say anything because they simply don’t want to get more hate/want to preserve their peace/just dgaf about her (I’m not excusing her ex bfs because maybe they were shitty af, but I also consider the fact that if she’s always blaming others for everything, maybe she’s the actual problem in all her relationships).

I’m def protecting of Matty, but this simply stems from the fact that in this situation his only “crime” was not being in love and honestly, after 1 month (or I guess 2 if we considered that they were talking before he went to Nashville) it’s not that hard to imagine that he wasn’t.

idk sorry for word-vomiting all of this, I just want everyone to stop pushing their narratives and consider that there lots of factors at play than what she said

oh don’t worry about sending asks about something especially if you just need to vent about something haha.

but yes, the whole “she doesn’t lie, her exes have never said anything to clear their names” thing is 100% an extremely naive approach. like i said tho… borderline cult fandom 🥲

[http-handong]

pinned post?? pinned post.

hello! I'm Eleanor/Ellie/Elle/any other nicknames you can think of that I like! I use they/she pronouns, although I do present as mainly femme!

quick facts:

• I have autism and am working to learn how to unmask and like, be whoever I am underneath that! I have special interests in: psychology, sociology, kpop (dreamcatcher specifically), writing, fantasy novels (sjm and leigh bardugo), fnaf, video games (bg3 right now) and history. I like talking about all this, please talk to me.

I also use tone tags about 50% of the time and ask they be used with me, but can and will use them more especially with people who specify they need/want them!

• I also have ADHD, combined type and am unmedicated. yeah yeah

• I am 18, in college for a sociology degree and moving to Europe in about 12-15 months

• I have a lot of mental and physical health issues, including (but not limited to): anxiety, depression, c-ptsd, chronic pain, pots, daily headaches, frequent migraines and potential borderline personality disorder

• I should be in therapy but my anxiety is too severe for me to make an appointment. ironic innit.

• I work at a Barnes and Nobles, it's very nice.

• I am an anarcho-communist and a registered member of the cpusa, and while I am personally a pacifist, I support the actions of oppressed people in their struggle against their oppressors and will support the revolution when/if I happens however I can outside of direct violence on my behalf. Don't like that? dni then <3

• speaking of dni- don't interact if: -14 or +25 (unless I've given permission and we know each other) if you're homophobic, xenophobic, a zionist, racist, ableist, bigot, along with basic dni criteria but also non-political/right-wing leaning/conservatives, supporter of autism speaks, trans-medicalist

as well as if you expect people to educate you rather than educating yourself (google is free), not bothered by living in a capitalist society, "everyone's a bit autistic", soojin-anti, supports kris wu or amber liu, can't hold faves accountable, refuse to call others by preferred names/respect pronouns/neos, cannot hold a nuanced and honest conversation about yourself and inherent biases, or refuses to partake in those types of conversations.

you can see my carrd for byf !!

• I am a kpop stan so some content will not be political or whatever and will be kpop based! I like dreamcatcher, billlie, loona, nmixx, gfriend, itzy, xg, and a lot of other groups you can see on my carrd

• I'm verbose !

• I make a lot of dark humor, dry/deadpan and sarcastic remarks as well as some self deprecating humor

• will use vent tags/other tags if needed if I ever post stuff like that !

• I am a writer, some content will be writing related (fics and stuff, as well as poems, essays, theories)

• I make pretty things and will also post them here

• I will accept good faith asks about things to educate and hold convos to help people on their leftist journey

• I might fluctuate between being active and being inactive, sorry

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if you've read all of this and still wanna follow, interact or be my friend? please do! I'm lonely ahaha

anyways that's all !! thanks for stopping by

- ellie

[themetalheadhippy]

Vent post don't read if you don't want

Feeling extra sad these past couple of days alot of stuff has been on my mind and it just seems to be staying there if not getting bigger (thanks to overthinking). I've recently applied for a job in care, I've never worked in care before and would like a career change from retail. i just want to feel useful it feels so powerless to send applications and nervously wait to see if you have to do it all over again. As for my family, I feel like I am drifting further from my Grandma we use to be so close when I was a teenager. I guess at that age grades and academia are priority as you grow into your adult years it's overtaken by having a child. But, I am far from ready for that. My cousins are though with a few expecting either their first or second. Congrats to them, I hope they have a safe pregnancy free from complications. I'm also trying my best like I just said I'm applying to work in care for the first time! Grandma never asked me about that though, she didn't even notice that my former Rapunzel lockes were cut dramatically short. I feel invisible. On top of that my friend's birthday is coming up, I was told by our mutual friend that she forgot to invite me. Whether this is genuine or not it still adds to the whole feeling invisible. I post all of this on here in the hopes that I'm not invisible on here. Please send nice things to cheer me up it will be greatly appreciated <3