#sure ill get up at 5 am and spend 2 hours typing on my phone ofc my hyperfixations r under control wdym

[sidthedollface2]

Third Love

Ch: 2 La Maceta

Pairing: Eddie x Mexican Female Reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Summary: Eddie tries to win over your affection and use you in hopes of getting signed to your dads record company. There's just one problem. Your situationship and a heartbreaking past that threatens to expose the darker side of you.

CW: MDNI 18+ Nightmares, mental illness, Modern au Eddie, fuckboy Eddie. Reader with another man (not cheating).

Chapter 1

You had another restless night, sleep didn't come for you till around 5 am, an hour before sunrise wasn't too bad. Usually you'd stay at Sebastians house or your Dads lavish property, but that home was too large. Glass windows from floor to ceiling. Tall trees and bushes hide the expanse of the lot, it made you uncomfortable since it resembled your old home so much. After a particularly rough panic attack, and the incident with the pool man you and your dad agreed that maybe living with a roommate would lessen the episodes. Luckily, you had found an apartment with a pretty cool roommate, she was similar to you in loving horror movies and video games, and often her boyfriend would spend the night. Last night wasn't one of them, instead you made a comfy spot on the couch and spent most of the time watching 90 Day Fiance and arguing with the TV.

The familiar ding of your phone has you rubbing the sleep from your eyes, arm stretched out blindly searching the top of the coffee table. Unlocking the screen with your thumb print, a new text message comes into view.

Unknown: In the car, I just can't wait, To pick you up on our very first date.

Brows pinched in confusion, and a small smile gracing your face. You think It must be a wrong number. You stare at the message sinking back into the soft cushions of the couch. It's gotta be a joke you think, so you play along, having seen these types of messages before and being immersed in music your whole life you're familiar with the lyrics.

You: Is it cool if I hold your hand?

Shortly after pressing send another ding comes through.

Unknown: Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance? Do you like my stupid hair?

A chuckle leaves your lips and you feel bad for stringing this person along but you continue anyway, enjoying the flirty nature of the messages.

You: would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?

You feel terrible engaging in this cute sharade. Being a hopeless romantic the idea of someone purposely sending you these messages has you kicking your feet. But you know these messages aren't for you, as you place the phone down again another ding comes through.

Unknown: I'm just scared of what you think.

You smile to yourself at the absurdity but one last message won't hurt.

You: you make me nervous so I really can't eat.

Deciding to end the conversation you text back apologizing for wasting their time and let them know they have the wrong number. You see they've read your message and so you set your phone down and walk to your bedroom gathering some clothes from the closet, when you hear another ding.

You quickly turn back to the living room. throw yourself onto the couch, lunging for your phone in anticipation at what was sent and shock is written all over your face as you read the message.

Unknown: "Let's go. Don't wait. This night's almost over."

You Scroll back up and make sure that your previous message was sent and read. It was. You immediately panic, it wasn't like you to make plans and forget, especially a date. You did a lot of networking last night but you made sure every contact had a name and their social media attached so you really had no clue who would be asking you out. Unable to form any more thoughts on the matter you turn off your phone and head for the shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Fuck! She left me on read." Eddie complained to Gareth as they both sat sprawled out on the couch in the garage,finishing up band practice for an upcoming show.

"How do you date a latina anyway?" Grant inquired, wiping the sweat from his brow and placing his bass down. Eddie turned to his bandmate, eyebrows quirked in a questioning way. "Um. Like any other girl. Man, what is wrong with you?" Eddie huffed, looking at his phone again hoping you'd message him back soon, and that he didn't just blow it with you. "It doesn't matter anyway, Ed just wants to fuck his way to the top. No dating required, isn't that what you said Ed? Gareth stared at his friend, challenging the words he had spoken earlier, before he actually met you or saw you, or felt the way your hand barely touched his sent bolts of electricity through his entire body. Eddie's eyes narrowed at Gareth. "Yea. That's right."

The way Gareth laid it out sounded bad and Eddie knew it, he wanted to do things the right way but he'd already tried that, and he had Becky to thank for ruining morally 'good' Eddie. This Eddie was different, he was more determined than ever in reaching his dreams irregardless of who was in his way or who he'd hurt in the process.

"It's a terrible idea." Standing with his arms crossed Jeff glared at Eddie, ashamed that their frontman even considered such a thing. With his head hanging between his shoulders Eddies eyes met Jeffs and he sighed, running his palm down his face, he shook his head.

"Look, I'm doing it for the band, ok. She could really help us out and get us actual good hook ups. What the fuck have you done Jeff? I'm the one who's been pulling all the weight!"

"You're the reason we're in this mess, you fucked Becky, our manager by the way, and now you wanna fuck this one! Next you're gonna fuck us over!" Jeff scolded, standing toe to toe with Eddie challenging his decisions. Gareth and Grant stand between the two boys, pushing them both away from each other and letting them cool down. Just as Eddie's about to speak again his phone rings. Signaling the boys to be quiet with his pointer finger to his lips he takes a look at the caller id and waves his hand at them in dismissal.

"Hey Red, still gonna make the show?" Eddie had asked Max if she was going to see Corroded Coffin perform, but she had gone on a little getaway with Lucas and wasn't sure when she'd be back.

"Yea, of course You can invite her. The more the merrier." Eddie agreed, pacing the garage as he spoke to Max. "Is she cute?" He asked with a shy smile on his face. "Fine, fine." He continued.

Getting off the phone with Max he checked his messages again and to his surprise you had sent a reply back.

Peach: I have a boyfriend.

"Son of a bitch." Eddie threw his phone on the couch crossing his arms as he glared at the floor. Frustrated that his plan was crumbling beneath him along with his dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hot water sprays over your body as you think of the outcomes if you were to go on this blind date. They never responded when you asked who they were which raised all the red flags and your mind went into a worse case scenario. What if it was Him, the masked man that haunted your dreams still. The therapy has been working, weekly and always on call if you ever needed it, medication changes were few but sometimes adjusting or adding to the list was necessary. So you lied and said you have a boyfriend, hopeful that they would get the hint that you were not interested.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In his bedroom, Eddie sat at his desk, phone in hand open with tabs of all his social media accounts and a calendar of future shows to be played.

"Omg you googled her?!" Gareth chuckled, as he hoovered behind Eddie, who was currently scrolling through your instagram page.

"Nah man, I looked up Glass House and she follows them." Eddie scrolled through all your posts, admiring all the traveling you'd done and how many musician friends you had. There were some that he admired and others that he didn't know. The fancy places you've eaten at were lavish. He was skeptical of some of the dishes but hoped to at least try them one day. To his disappointment, There weren't many pictures of you. He scrolled to the end of your page and didn't see any of your so-called boyfriend, maybe you were a private person and your instagram was only work related.

His finger hovered over Sebastian's page, debating if this was going too far, would he even like what he saw. He wasn't with you so it didn't matter, but why was he so nervous? Cracking his neck side to side, his thumb gently pressed on Sebastian's profile and a flood of images filled the screen.

There you were, your beautiful smile shining bright through his phone, and Eddie's belly flipped as if he were seeing it in the flesh. Through all the music related posts, band practice, live shows and members of the band, were small bits and pieces of you scattered about. Most were candid photos, at the studio listening to whatever played through your headphones, a shy smile peeking through a glass of wine held at your lips, god did Eddie wish he was a wine glass. Zooming into one particular photo he sees your bare back wearing nothing but a black bra and panties that leave nothing to the imagination, you're laying on your stomach on top of a white bed with messy white sheets. He traces over the feminine curve of your back, down to the slope of your waist and above the plush of your ass. His eyes land on your profile and his heart beats wildly at your sleeping form, hair sprawled out like a halo, you're facing away from the camera and Eddie wonders if you're aware of this intimate photo being taken. It suddenly occurs to him that you're in bed barely clothed and his stomach twists at the realization, Sebastian has you and he doesn't.

"He's not her boyfriend." Gareth voiced, startling Eddie who seemed to forget his bandmate was hunched over him. He pulls his phone close to his chest away from Gareth's wandering eyes. "Well, there's pictures of her in bed and them kissing. Last night at the party I saw him with her."

Eddie stood up and laid on his bed as Gareth took a seat at the desk. "Must be complicated," he shrugged. "She just told me she has a boyfriend. Must've been recent then."Gareth snatched Eddie's phone out of his hand.

"Hey!" He snapped. Scrolling through the messages Eddie sent you, Gareth shook his head "Blink 182? Really? God your lame." He laughed, "And you're an idiot. You didn't say who you were." Throwing the phone back, Eddie looks over the texts again and groans. Gareth was right he missed the message where you asked "who's this." While he thought of another response Eddie went back to your instagram for clues as to what type of person you were.

Bringing his face closer to the screen, eyes squinting. 'It couldn't be' he thought. A girl was standing in frame, she wore faded blue jeans with a pale orange top and a blue blouse folded to her elbows. In her hands was a white planter with wild green leaves that brought life to red beautiful flowers, unmistakable red hair flowed down her shoulders and bright blue eyes peeked behind blossoms of red. Eddie looked to the bottom of the photo reading the caption 'look what my roommate grew!.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two knocks, a pause and two more knocks were heard on your apartment door. You heard the key enter, the door knob twist and your roommate stepped inside. "I'm back!" She announced, as she pulled in her luggage from the hallway. Squealing you raced towards her and greeted her with a huge hug that had you both stumbling.

"Max! I missed you. How was the trip? How's Lucas doing?" You questioned.

Exhausted from traveling Max threw herself on the couch and told you how they traveled down to San Diego to see the Battle ships. "We went to this fancy restaurant where they have dry aged steak–"

You cut her off, leg bouncing in anticipation, and not wanting to wait any longer. "Did he finally ask you to marry him?" Max deflated. With a tight lipped smile she shook her head. "No. He didn't ask. But I still had so much fun and I'm sure it'll be soon."

Max had told you all about her on and off again relationship with Lucas, and ever since her accident, as she calls it, they've been together ever since. She told you all about their first dance, the first kiss they shared, the first time they said I love you. It was all so romantic and out of a fairytale. A fairytale that you longed for. She just smiled as you told her all the romantic things you wanted to do and how lucky she was that she had found that special someone. She didn't tell you about all the bad things. She couldn't. Your face lit up at the mention of the snowball dance, and their weekly movie marathons. You were both brought to tears as she recounted the way Lucas was by her side after her accident.

She wanted you to have this idea that love was easy and it would find you when you least expected it. So she couldn't tell you about Vecna or Will. Most importantly she didn't want to tell you how her brother Billy died. How she saw him die. But you needed her to tell you that you weren't alone, that this deep trench in your heart would never mend but if you had found someone that brought you peace on those nights where the screams were too loud and the night too dark. A soul strong enough to carry the weight of your trauma, yet compassionate enough to walk you through the pain. Then maybe they could slowly fill that hollow trench bucket by bucket. Not of dirt or water simply understanding. Understanding that you'll never be who you once were, full of happiness and light. Rays of sunshine peeking through someone's gloomy day. Now, you were the gloom, the dark low hanging clouds full of tears threatening to pour down on undeserving innocents. Who knew whether those drops would be light and just tickle the skin. Would they be heavy and constant for days on end, causing those to witness shield their eyes and run towards a dry, safer climate. At any moment any sudden reminder of that night could trigger a siren of caution echoing through their ears that a violent storm was just on the horizon. Upon Hearing that screeching siren loud above their heads all would run, gathering their belongings and loved ones to escape the danger that was to come. All except one.

You didn't tell Max about what had happened. It's not something to bring up in casual conversation or any conversation for that matter. 'Hey, I saw my mom get shot to death and I held my hands over her bleeding wounds until her blood saturated both our clothes…. No biggie. How was your day?'

There would never be a right time. A right scenario and even if there was you didn't want to relive that night, no one does. So you kept that part of you hidden, shoveled so deep within that trench with a lock and key. Any threats of those tears or incoming clouds were met with scripted phrases.

"I'm just so tired."

"Allergies."

"It's fine."

"Eyelash in my eye"

And the worst of all

"I'm ok."

The day settles to night as you shift under the sheets with your laptop open, preparing your schedules and artists you were going to see for the week when you hear the unmistakable ding of your phone. You find it stuffed between the pillow you're laying on and your shoulder. Upon reading the message your eyes widened at the boldness and your lips curved up into a beaming smile.

Unknown: "Of course someone as pretty as you would have a boyfriend, that's cool I'm not looking to be your boyfriend though. I just thought you might need a husband.

Unknown: "It's Eddie by the way."

You shake your head chuckling at his audaciousness. But he got you smiling at your phone, cheeks heating up and flutters in your tummy.

You: "Oh, that was good. I guess we should go on a date then if you're planning to be my husband."

Eddie: "I thought you'd never ask." 😉

Taglist

@amira0303 @hideoutside @edsforehead @skank-sinatra13 @kissmejoey @ms1oftheboys

[callipraxia]

Day Three Progress:

Total Word Count: 5877

Notebook Page Reached: 30

Percentage of Project Completed: 12%

Narrators Utilized: 1

Number of Scenes Worked On: 1

Interactions Written: 5

Outfits Described: 2, though far more sparse descriptions than any previous outfit descriptions.

Random Thought Had: “…how sure am I that I know how adding one hundred to a number works? Five seconds ago I was totally confident about that but now I am unsure if the number is getting bigger too fast. Why does this happen every time I think I have figured out a relatively painless way to address a problem? This is second grade math for crying out loud!”

Gonna be honest, I was displeased with my output for Day Three. There was a lot of filler, and a lot of deliberately using three little words where one ordinary word would do just to get to the count, and even then, I barely made it to par before midnight after writing hear-constantly for the last three hours of the day. I was feeling exceedingly poorly yesterday - all week I had been unable to sleep except for between the hours of 6-9 am, and I didn’t thrive on that kind of sleep diet when I was young. Now, it was a clear Message: find some means of going to sleep, or illness would be with me shortly.

Thankfully, though, my anxiety meds finally arrived at the pharmacy, so I slept from 1am-9am. Said medication and several rounds on the heating pad helped with the bad shoulder, as did taking six hours off of my unofficial job as my grandmother’s minder - I went home, washed several loads of clothes, washed up where my mother had been cooking earlier, and was in a much better state of mind by evening. Dr. Jean Shinoda Bolen would probably lump me in with the Hestias in her book of “conceptualizing feminine archetypes as Greek goddesses;” I don’t know if I would say I find anything spiritual about doing housework, but the silence and solitude and satisfaction of rapidly-visible results does do wonderful things for me. It’s one reason I’m so fond of Emily Bronte; her writing, sadly small though the surviving quantity is, is amazing of course, but I also relate to her intensely as a person. I, too, don’t do well physically or mentally when I spend too much time among people in 3D and can only really achieve equilibrium in a “very noiseless, very secluded but unrestricted and unartificial mode of life,” to quote Charlotte Bronte. I’m somewhat more gregarious than Emily (I can’t even see EJB posting anonymously on AO3, much less writing all this on tumblr), but despite that, I’ve always had an affinity for her, even though my collection of flaws is more akin to Charlotte’s.

As for why this wasn’t posted last night, there’s an easy explanation for that! Between scrambling to preserve my Duolingo streak and squeeze in my last NaNo update, my phone battery was extended past the limits of what it could do on 10%. So the phone died in my hand just after I started typing this post, so I put the phone on the charger and went to bed.

Anyway. Yesterday is over, today is another day. Here’s to a better Day 4!

[callingallcars]

strauss-howe generational theory???

strauss-howe generational theory!!!!!! This is my favourite sociological theory, and actually one of my ongoing hyperfixations which means this is gonna be a hella long answer.

it asserts that there are four main generations each lasting about 20 years (but can be around 22 if the global sociopolitical/economic field permits) as a part of a larger scale of one average human life span of 80ish years. Each generation has its own archetype and its based off the sociopolitical/ economic climate that is occurring, which tends to be the same roughly every 80-90 years, or 4 generations, or roughly one generational cycle. its how we know millennials are defined as those who were born between 1980 and 1999, how gen x is 1960-1979, and boomers are the baby boom that occurred after-ish WWII from 1940-1959, hence why theyre called boomers. Gen X has no defining name for some reason, because technically every generation has a lettered association, millennials are gen Y, “zoomers” are actually called Generation Z etc.

The four archetypes are the Hero (civic); The Artist (adaptive); The Prophet (idealist); and The Nomad (reactive).

The theory itself states that every 80ish years, or “full saecula” there is a crisis, followed by a recovery, where communal values amongst generations are strong enough that the sentiments shared amongst the succeeding generational archetypes boils over into a fight for individualism, attacking state systems, and eventually topples the institutions, which ultimately creates another really awful political climate that, you guessed it, ends in a crisis!

(a fun way to look at it is boomers are responsible for the political climate that lead to the 2008 financial crises, which is technically the Actual crisis that defines the zoomers generation).

Now, while crises and global historical political events are inherently important to the definition of these archetypes, the other big thing thats been super important since the industrial revolution is the evolution of technology!!!!! Boomers had sliced bread and the polio vaccine (same year go figure) and the microwave, Gen X actually had a pretty big uptick in musical technology (rock n roll, anyone?) (also the punk and hip hop fanbase, MTV, the invention of portable music players like tape decks, the eventual grunge scene, etc). Millennials are the ones who actually have claim to the internet since it took on the first internety form in 1990, which allowed millennials to grow up with the technology, and since we know children are more adaptable to new technology than adults because they can include it in their developmental processes, we can just pretty much give the internet to mid millennials.

But this is where it gets interesting, and a bit muddled, and where my own research and extended research beyond strauss and howe comes in.

There are a few important things to consider:

Between each generation, since time and development and the global climate is not split evenly since thats not how the world works, there’s usually some overlap in those born within the 5 ish year gap between generations.

Another thing that defines generations is their upbringing, and until about the late Gen x/ early millennial generations with a few exceptions (my parents included because they were older than average when my sister and i were born) have defined the new generations every 20 yrs bc well, that’s typically when it was the social norm to have kids in the cishet nuclear family “norm”.

Another thing is that children tend to be the opposite archetype from their parents (think of how the artist archetype comes immediately after the hero archetype) but thats more of a fun fact that just gets sprinkled into every discussion

So, if we know that there’s always some generational overlap, and technology and political crises play equally important roles in defining a generation, and we know that tech blew tf up around 2008 All Of A Sudden (faster than it ever really had, seriously the exponential growth of tech after apple and amazon cornered the market is nuts) and we know millennials have claim to the early internet, and Zoomers have claim to smart technology after the tech boom, and are defined as usually being born post-9/11 and their defining crises is the 2008 financial crisis, then where does that leave the overlapping kids in the middle, born too late to really have claim to the early internet (1997/8) but born before/during/Just After 9/11 making That their defining crisis (because even if u were only 4, u had enough time to develop and be raised by ur parents both in a pre And post 9/11 world) That my friends is what people often refer to as “the lost generation” “Xennials” “dark millennials” etc. There’s examples of it all over the internet. “if you were born between 1995 and 2000 youre the maroon 5 generation” (personal fave) “music/ technology/ stores/ toys etc only dark millennials will remember” (and itll be a photo or list of something so very 2004-2010 that only someone born during that time would have ever experienced, since tech didnt last that long in this time period re the smart tech boom) (music and music tech is also actually super important to generations, because it defines whole cultures, and you can just Tell when music is from, and all those dumb born in the wrong generation things often focus heavily on music and music-influenced scenes)

All this is to say that if you were born ill say at the earliest 1995 and latest beginning of 2002 and you feel like you dont have a claim to a generation, if u relate to those “dark millennials” posts, if you remember going from overhead projectors to smartboards instead of one or the other, if your first social media was late myspace or facebook instead of AOL or snapchat, if you spent your childhood playing outside but then vividly remember when everyone became smartphone obsessed and when that became The Thing to do (idk about u but like it was Cool in middle school to bring ur iphone 3G or 4 to class or parties and let people use it) then its because there really is a weird middle “lost” generation that doesn’t belong to either side, where the generational overlap is more significant than any before due to the swift development of tech during this period, and where the people inside of it often have traits and interests from both sides, but also their own defining pieces of middle-ness (like marianas trench, or taio cruz, or all those weird ytv/nick/disney shows that only ever lasted 2 seasons like danny phantom).

[lovee-infected]

Hello!! Can I request headcanons about gn mc who got sick (with fever or something to the point they can't go to school) and the twst boys decided to visit and take care of them? I've always enjoyed your headcanon! Thank you!!

Riddle Rosehearts

He's got much of a weak immune system himself so he's usually prepared for unexpected situations like this. He knows what to do.

Just lay back against your pillow, do exactly as he says and you'll return to full health in no time

He'd probably be really angry if he finds you out of bed without his permission or spending too much time over your phone and reading books; he insists on you resting and much as possible.

He agrees on being possibly a -bit- over protective but he doesn't mind. If this will do any good at your healing process then he's more than okay with it.

Whenever you tell him to stop over stressing himself because of you he just goes: " Me ? Over stressing? Of course not! If you wish me to be calmer than I already am, then stop playing around and rest well till you get better."

He truly does work his hardest for you while you need him, from takings notes of what has been teached during your absence to spending at least 2 hours a day with you, making sure that nothing goes wrong.

As the strict leader of Heartslabyul, he usually spends most of the day watching over students and checking whether they are doing good at school and exams or not, but for now he cuts back on these responsibilities to take care of you. He may not shout that out loudly, but he always puts you before any other responsibilities he might have. Perhaps he enjoys spending time with you just as much as he enjoys having fresh strawberry tarts.

Trey Clover

You were still trying to catch up with the classes but Trey just knew that it'd be too much. It was him who made you forget about the school and instead, rest in your room.

You are a bit stressed out about not being able to take care of your chores, but thankfully he is there for you. He isn't known as heartslabyul's mother for no reason, make sure that he knows how to caress and pamper you better than anyone else.

Aside checking on you every day and bringing you additional medicines and food, he makes sure to collect notes of everything that is teached during your apsence so you won't have problems catching up with the studies afterwards . No need to mention that his cooking on the other hand is stunning, 5 star chef Trey at your service.

He understands that it might be a bit boring laying down in bed without anyone to talk to, so he often comes to you as you need someone to talk to and also brings you your favorite books to read so you won't get any bored when he can't be there.

He never says a word to make you feel any bad or frustrating about being nursed by him, instead he knows how to motivate you to get better even sooner: " Nursing you is absolutely adorable, but I don't want my dear (y/n) stuck in a bed all day while I'm willing to show you way more exciting things than a just couple of books,"

Cater Diamond

Clones, clones and clones :Time to get to work! The best part with it is that he can always make sure to have at least one of his clones watching over you even if he's busy with school or stuff, not that he lets you know what he's doing though.

You wonder why Cater's staying with you 24/7, as a third year student, isn't he supposed to be like, really busy with studying? Cater assures you that there's nothing to worry about, and it seriously isn't. He can always catch up with everything even his actual self stays all night at yours.

While his use of clones might seem a bit tricky, he still makes sure to provide you with anything you as long as you're sick need and even more: Bringing you roses and chibi, stuffed animals as gifts, along with sweet chill chats whenever you're awake, sending you soft love quotes with a bunches of colorful hearts and kisses via text even as he's right beside you, He enjoys how you'll need to look up your messages to see what he texts you allthough he's sitting just a few meters away from you. Aw, the way you blush whenever youlok at your phone, how cute~

Ace Trappola

What's the purpose of going to school when he does not understand a single word of it while his mind is all stuck on you? What are doing now? Are you fine? Does your chest Still hurt? Has your pain gotten any worse? Is there someone with you right now? What if you need help??

He's about to lose his mind, he tries asking someone free to check on you but there doesn't seem to be such a person available at the moment. 'That's it , I'll go on my own'

With the help of the year gang ( Jack, Deuce and Epel) he fakes breaking his leg during a PE session and yeets off the school for an entire week. YES!

He is moving to your place for a couple of days and Deuce will cover up for him whenever someone asks where Ace is.

Ace just knows that you're sick, he isn't sure of the exact name or type of your illness. On his way to yours, he fills a bag with anything he finds at Heartslabyul's cabinets with any title as -medicine- for you. He'll later look for the right one you need between them.

When you get to look into what he has brought, you aren't sure if he's kidding or not and when you ask, Ace realizes that he's really goofed up: what he actually brought was nothing else than animal medicines, and he he literally brought you each and every of them existing in Heartslabyul; how come didn't he see the pets/only label-??

You're lucky that you already have your medicines prepared, so you tell him not to worry about it. He feels so damn embarrassed wanting to melt into earth right now, but you have to admit he really lifted up your mood. You're happy to have your cute, Crabby-haired idiot besides you while you're sick, and he tries his best to help you with cooking and making sure of you taking your right medicines on time to make up for the mess he made on his first day:" Ehehe...at least...you can use some of them when Grim gets sick, right ?"

Deuce Spade

He really wants to stay there taking care of you but... he has to go to school as well. He has to get much higher grades this semester if he doesn't want to have to spend another year as a first year.

He can't skip any of classes, but promises to spend the rest of his day after school.

He rushes with his school uniform still on to your place, not wanting to be even a second late . He has to carry some casual clothes along with his books since he wants to stay over nights if you need him.

Due to get getting in trouble a lot back at the time, he's rather educated in medical field so he knows much and less of what he'll need to do as you're sick?

His cooking isn't something he can rely on so he goes to Trey, telling that he needs some soup for Ace since he seems to be looking a bit sick lately?

He prepares your food, brings you warm towels, repeatedly checks your body temperature and when you're finally asleep, gets to his own studies. He ends up Having fewer than 3 hours of night sleep multiplr times and once, he didn't get any sleep at all.

He tries his hardest to look his best in front of you so you won't notice how terrible he actually is; when you question the bags under his eyes, he claims them to be left from the mascara which a couple of guys put on him a few days ago for fun and consistently laughs. Damn, this boy doesn't even know how to lie huh? He is literally dying, but he won't tell you a word. He can handle worse...

When you finally return to full health you realize how terrible he's been doing lately and you take rule of his nurse this time. Making sure that your cinnamon roll would finally get some sleep.

Leona Kingscholar

"My room, now". You look way too terrible to be able to make it to the classes therefore he has to make sure that you won't do anything stupid while you need to be taking some rest.

Bringing you to his own room wasn't his main intention since he just wanted to keep an eye on you but couldn't afford to visit you everyday if you didn't live any close to him so, easiest solution to the problem would be you staying with him.

He lets you use his bed but keeps on reminding you that it's just because you're sick so you better not be expecting such things to ever happen again. He would fall asleep in less than a minute at whatever he lays his head on, so sleeping on the ground isn't as hard as it seems. He just had to make sure that you would't step on him or his tail when you walk out of the bed.

He can ask Ruggie to nurse you and all, but decides to do most of your stuff on his own because it'd be a lot worse if Ruggie too gets sick. Sharing the same room with you has already put him on a pretty high infection risk so, that wouldn't really matter if he's the one nursing you or not. He doesn't really mind getting sick either, a free chance to take some days off school and chill; why not ?

He turns out to be pretty good with board games and there's no need to worry about getting bored while you can go for 100+ chess matches with Leona winning you each and every time; a bit ironic, but entertraining nonetheless.

He's actually really enjoying spending time with you, but isn't really expressing it. The only time when he actually shows some direct affection is when he plants secret kisses on your forehead as you're asleep.

Ruggie Bucchi

He has grown up in an awfully poor family with multiple siblings, so he's pretty familiar to the pain of seeing those you hold dear sick .He has turned into a not only responsible but also supportive boy toward friends and family, so you can make sure that he can take the best care of you while you're sick.

Perhaps his only problem is...Leona. He'd need Ruggie around even during school time and the hyena boy can't even have a full 30 minutes away from him which makes it impossible for Ruggie to take his time checking on you at least once a day.

Well, he has to find a way to babysit both of you at the same time so, -Let's take you to his own room-

Great ! He no longer needs to worry now that he can take care of you both. Leona too agrees on you staying at his as long as you don't cause any trouble.

Poor Ruggie has to sleep on the floor but assure you that he rarely gets to be the one sleeping on bed back in the home so, he is kinda used to sleeping on the cold ground.

He knows how to cook? Much and and less of it but who cares? He just asks you what you want and returns with it in 30 minutes; guess why: Because he'd just borrow the food from someone else. He doesn't mind his dirty ways indeed, you're sick so, you're more important than some dude wanting to chill on his food during lunchtime.

He just takes a list of medicines you may need and returns with all of them in his bag. He has to come at the right time on his own every time you have to take any of them since you'd most likely either fall asleep or forget to take them on time.

Enjoy your time with him, because it's gonna be a real luxury. He'd treat you nothing less than the way he treats Leona as he's sick so, you may consider yourself a part of a royal family at his service.

Jack Howl

Fluffy tsundere wolf is ready to give up on all he's got for you, what on earth might be sweeter than this ?

The moment, no, the second he realizes that you're not feeling well, Jack would immediately take you to the nurse office to see if you're. It's such a relief that it isn't thst serious, all you need to do is to take some rest.

Meanwhile you're resting in bed, he'll do the shopping and asks the kitchen for some soup ( You're sick you can't have too salty or sweet foods like normal cafeteria meals ) He gives up on his own meal to get some for you instead, it's just hunger of course he can handle it.

He feeds you and makes sure that you'll finish your entire meal, reminds you to take your medicines on time, brings you your favorite books to read and, most importantly, listens to... anything you'd ask him for.

He hardly ever lets anyone touch his ears or tail but if it's you, why not? You even fall asleep hugging his tail like a doll and he just patiently waits for you to wake up, blushing as he appreciates how cute you look while asleep.

Damn he has to keep the distance otherwise he as well would end up being sick but, it just seems impossible to say no when you ask for cuddles.

Jack tells you stories of his home town and national legends making your mouth drop in fascination. His stories seem to amaze him just as they amaze you and it makes him unbelievably happy to see you liking things he's been appreciating all over his life.

He even gets to the point of talking about his will to become all mighty and strong just like the magicians he looks up to, especially Leona. Just watching his strength gives you the will to overcome your illness and be at least a bit like Jack; he's really great, isn't he?

Azul Ashengrotto

No no no- Unacceptable! You shouldn't be sick, you shouldn't -get- sick- He told you to watch what you eat and what you wear as it's raining out there - HE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES- But now what? You are sick.

Azul panicks, he keeps on exaggerating the whole thing even if it's just a normal cold. He just isn't the type to easily deal with sicknesses. Whenever he catches a cold, it'll take him weeks to return to full health due to how weak his body is and, he's so worried about you being the same.

Soup, warm water bath, Medicines , magic potions to reduce the fever, ultimate revival spells... he showers you in all of them. Even if the virus won't kill you Azul's overprotection will most likely do, and he'll get really mad if you tell him that he's exaggerating it.

When you regain half of your full health, you ask him to let you return to school and- He immediately pits you back in bed: "No leavings, not until you're done with this troublesome fever or whatever."

You feel like an adult forced to stay in a cradle and wear diapers meanwhile Azul thinks that you're too naive to take your health seriously.

When you finally manage to pull him over, you realize how sick and pale he's gotten since you got sick. The bags under his eyes proved that he hasn't been getting much of sleep recently. "God what have you done to yourself-"

You finally tell him that he's the one who needs help , not you. You plant a kiss on his cheek and force his head to your lap, wanting him to get some sleep. He slowly understands that he might've been taking it a bit too seriously, but since you are fine now, he's kinda glad that he took it hard on you. He just wants you to be safe and sound; even if his it's going to cost his own health on the first placd.

Jade Leech

Humans get sick? It's pretty rare of aquatic creatures, especially eels to get sick so Jade's pretty new to this . 'wow , pathetic , aren't humans?' he thinks . Well anyway he can't just stand back and make fun humans while you seem to be in serious pain, but what can he do? He still has a lot to learn about human life and it's his first time having one of them sick, oh man.

Well, they tell that you should get some...rest ? Well maybe he should take you to bed. First step done , let's go for the rest. He blocks several of his classmates in the corners asking for... information. He simply takes notes . Possibly useful medicines and meals, hours of sleeping, allowed activities, useful tips, warnings, etc.

He has to read the list several times to make sure that he's got it all right. Let's nurse (y/n).

He unexpectedly goes from 0 to 100 like bam- bye eel boy hello nurse Leech. He'll turn your room into a hospital room, a good one though, filled with dolls and flowers and anything he was told to add because they send away positive vibes.

His cooking on the other hand is amazing. He'll look for several light meals for sick bodies but- chooses those which match your tastes . You can't help but to love everything he cooks . Chef's kiss.

He changes your bed pillow and cloths everyday, returning with washed, silky pillows and covers . A warm, smooth bed is what you need for a good sleep.

If there was such a status he would've been the god of nursing; wow you would've needed pay him off a lot for his service if he wasn't giving it all to his darling for free.

When you finally regain your health, he just has one more question left to ask before leading you to your daily classes: "Now now dear, would you mind rating me , and my nursing service?"

seem like he's really curious to see whether he's done it correctly or not.

Floyd Leech

Things seem so uncool when you're not as energetic as always , pale skin as if you're choking on lack of oxygen and bizarreness in your movements like a doll, smh, so boring.

Just like Jade, he's pretty new to surface life and watching you bear with illness looks pretty weird in his eyes?

When Jade, finally, informs him on what exactly happens to human body while struggling with an illness and what he must do to you to get rid of this annoying mode, he understands. Floyd still finds human's body shitty for how weak it is but decides to use Jade's words as a guide to deal with you.

A warm bed, fluffy pillows and stuffed animals, these seemed to be enough for step one: Enough of rest and sleep. He can't blame you on this one though, sleeping is always amazing. Something that never gets boring. Everything seems to be pretty fine to begin with, sadly it won't last any longer than a few hours-

He's told to bring you food, but when he returns with 4 bags filled with chocolate, candy, soda and chips; it's obvious that he didn't get the point correctly. Jade explains that your body is still way to weak for too salty or sweet foods, even highly cooked meals would worsen your immune system and make it take much longer to be healed.

Floyd goes for a second pick up and this time: this time returns with raw potatoes and frozen meat- Raw potatoes and frozen meat-. Well, he just followed everything Jade told him...? Neither too salty nor to sweet, and raw because Jade told him not to bring over-cooked stuff. Even if the virus did you no harm you would've probably died under his food selections if Jade wasn't there to stop him...

While his food choices might be horrible, Floyd's still one of the best mutuals you can have close when you aren't feeling well. With him beside you, giggling and chuckling as he rambles on how boring his day was, you've got to admit that you'd rarely feel sick when he's around. Although you're sick at the moment, nothing seems to have changed between the two of you, he enjoys spending time with you now just as much as he enjoys it when you're all safe and sound.

Well...maybe he can't be the best nurse you'd get to have , but one thing's for sure: No one can ever make you laugh like he does and, you know what say: Laughter is the best medicine~

Kalim al asim

He can't be any more worried, he stresses out whenver a friend is sick and now, it's not just a friend, it's -you-, one of the dearest and closest ones Kalim had ever had; just how can he keep calm ???

He is being raised under severe health protection and hardly ever catches even a simple cold, several people had taught him strict health routines and he had to follow them all over his life, so he is considerably familiar with ways of overcoming and illness , and that's what he's here for!

Jamil forbids him from cooking since it's too dangerous if he needs to use any knifes, but that wouldn't hold him back from finding enormous food recipes based on your favorite condiments to make your meal more pleasant.

He makes sure to prepare anything you need in a matter of seconds, golden peacock or 5000 camels, doesn't matter ! He's got way more than enough and what use would be better than giving them to you?

He can take care of you on his own, but Jamil insists on Kalim leaving it all to him and stay away from you as much as possible (No need to mention the high risk of infection for Kalim since he's almost sticking to you all the time)

Jamil as well would caress you meanwhile you rest at Scarabia (Right, Kalim proudly brought you there ) and Kalim, makes sure to stay close to you as much as he can, mostly when Jamil isn't around to tell him off- He doesn't want to put Jamil in more trouble but, you are his first priority.

You're bound to your bed, but just having Kalim around brings way more fascinating adventures than what you might get to see out there. His stories really do show you to a whole new world and takes the pain in your lungs and chest way further that your mind could catch . Perhaps Kalim is he one and only who can make your mind fly, even as your body's laying lifelessly in bed.

Jamil Viper

For the first time, someone stressed him out more than Kalim always does. He's always expecting to be scared to death because of him, but because of you? Damn he didn't see this coming.

Depending on what your illness is, he manages to freak out even more or clam himself down to his sane self, but the main point is how he's got to serve you all the best until you're totally safe.

He soon prepares any kind of medicine and chemical you may need and you have to use them all properly, don't even think of rejecting any single one of them otherwise Jamil would force feed you: "Don't be such a baby, you won't get any better unless you have these"

Just like Azul, he might be a bit overprotective with your health since he doesn't even let you leave the bed for more than a few minutes. He insists on you avoiding any sort of activities that may be tiring or heavy to your body.

To be honest, the thought of using his snake whisper on you when you don't behave or ask him to stop being so strict over a simple illness crosses his mind. Luckily, he refuses to use it. You're still his lover that'd be too heartless of him to take advantage of you like this just because you can't see how much he loves you.

He needs to keep the distance, but has to admit that it can be really hard to avoid hugging and kissing all over your face when you're gazing at him with that sweet smile.

Having you close makes Jamil realize how affectionate he actually is: How much he misses the healthy and happy you who he was never in a danger. Well maybe this nursing days gives him a lesson to at least try to have some sweeter time with you while you are all safe and sound - and not tiredly laying in your bed.

Vil Schoenheit

You can consider yourself nothing less than a Prince/ Princess when Vil of all people is caressing you. Your body is still way too weak to have control of anything going on in your life at the moment, and that's how Vil takes control over all of them- all in your life. Which means that you now have to live and do as he wishes.

He will take no effort in turning you into one of the fairest of all students in school (Not that you'll ever reach him though) as long as he can have his eyes over you. His rules are way more than just -beauty- ; just as he can be the all fair and powerful Queen who steps on you, he knows how to play the role of the nurse like a Queen would do~

A royal maiden is only to serve the royal family, so it's time to show how much of a princess /prince you can be in bed. You don't need to worry about your medicines or meals since Vil's always organized and on time with them, not to mention that his cooking too seems to be pretty good. He uses light yet, nutritious recipes that you'd enjoy and you're really surprised because these kinds food don't really look tasty.

Perhaps he just needed an excuse all this time to get this close to you, so he can take care of anything he's been dreaming to do with you all this time. Pedicure and manicure, trying on new fruit masks, resting face and body muscles to have a smoother, cleaner skin, etc.

Your room is a beauty salon at this point and you usually forget that you're actually sick.

He works on not only your physical beauty but also your manners, he doesn't care if you're sick or not . It's the best time to take away your poor manners and habits.

Well the scary Queen has got his own soft spots too; while indirectly giving you beauty lessons, he enjoys teasing you as you sometimes look pretty naive and new to all dos and don'ts of a high-level life like his, and he's more than pleased to teach you: "Pull yourself together , potato."

Rook Hunt

He isn't really into the whole nursing game but- If it's an opportunity to stalk caress and admire you all night, why not?

He is lowkey familiar with the basics so, it isn't supposed to be that difficult to handle . Finding pills and medicines isn't hard either since they can all be found at mister S's shop. ( He would've liked it better if he had to get them from a moster or something, anything more adventurous)

Though he doesn't really like quiet and safe journeys he'd actually appreciate it if it's with you. And of course, he won't let anyone else take advantage. Let it just be with the two of you and all~

He isn't about to hurt or scare you in any sort way; it's true that he just loves it when things get a bit dangerous but, he knows how to manage excitement as well. You want him to be a soft gentleman? Then that's what he's going to be.

Rook would be the softest Rook you could've ever imagined when he plays the nurse. It can't even be called nursing: It's about a passionate lover spending all his time with his darling who isn't feeling well. Even his expressions are taken to a totally different level, the mysterious smile he always puts on is replaced with a worried and, mildly sad gaze that makes your heart melt.

Might sound too dramatic bug he may even sing you to sleep. Sweetest words ever dancing to the rhythm of his unique accent that make your cheeks hurt at trying not to blush. This isn't the only drama he's up to though, even his normal speaking often ends up with your mind drowning in feelings. He won't bother giving you soft kisses on hand and forehead when you don't expect it. He likes surprising you, even if it's in a romantic way.

And...the real Rook, is only out when you're asleep. Sitting on a chair just a few inches away from your bed, a pair of eyes carefully follow the pace of your chest as it rises and falls. He's never tired, a huntsman gets no sleep as long as his prey's close by. Wow, if sweetness is all he needed to approach you, then he should give it a try more often~

Epel Felmier

His first reaction to hearing of you being sick is summarised in :Gasping, Blushing, Questioning, Sad puppy eyes. "It's just a simple fever...right? (Y/n) will soon be better..." , Epel confronts himself. He isn't getting overly emotional, but when it comes to you, he does have a sensitive spot.

At first, it is his anxiety over your health that makes him want to come over to your house to check up on you everyday but , it soon ends up being more serious. What if this is an opportunity to prove his reliability? You'd finally get to see how much of a strong and helpful man he can be. Even as he looks soft.

While Epel's trying his hardesr to seem a tough as possible, you can't help but to adore his cuteness as he is doing his best while you're sick. He bakes you the best of apple pies you've ever had and you have to admit; being sick can't hold you back from enjoying the sweet taste of fresh, caramelized baked apples melting in your mouth.

Growing up to be a country boy, he never really relied on chemicals as a useful cure to any illnesses. He's more into organic ways of helping human body into regaining its lost energy, which can be put as : 1) Healthy food 2) Enough of sleep and rest 3) Lifted up spirits and enough of humor. He'd be really protective over the last option, he wants to make sure that your self-esteem and spirits would be way better than ever

He has to keep the distance, but some small cuddles would not hurt, right? Perhaps some small forehead kisses before bedtime too. He's still pretty uncomfortable with kisses but, since you're sick...that can be counted as an exception.

Idia Shroud

He's been away from humanity for too long; long enough to almost forget that humans get sick. Robots sometimes have their codings crashed or their gears damaged, that's when they'll need an engineer to repair them . How did the cure system work with humans?? He can't really remember. Due to spending time with almost nobody except Ortho (who happens to be a robot) and hardly ever leaving his room and as the result, barely getting sick, Idia is pretty new to human body's metabolism; he isn't sure of what he might be able to do for you. But, humans have something called...immune system, right? Ah something that heals body on its own. Well maybe relying on that would be enough.

He decides to give you some far distance support instead of comimg all way down to your dorm . He can't be any more happier of technology's existence for such cases. Your immune system can heal you on its own, all he've got to do is to send some motivation your way. The summary of most of his extremely motivational texts would be : "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! Keep it up (y/n)!!👊✨💥" and when you reply telling him how terrible you're feeling he'd just try to look for strongers sentences-

He repeatedly mistakes humans and robots and accidently texts you:" why don't you get someone to repair you?" several times. Then goes to bang his head against the wall realizing how dumb he's acting.

When you get worse he gives up. Maybe those sentences wasn't enough of motivation . Idia really does want to come visit you in person but he seems to be bound to his area. Well at least, Ortho isn't, right? He comes up with a way better idea to program Ortho to take care of you while Idia can't do it himself. He copied hundreds of anatomy, human biology and medicine to Ortho's data list. Well that seems to be enough. He can now cook, wash clothes, brings you your medicines and most importantly, remain by your side all the time as you may need help. Idia puts s small camera on Ortho so he'd be able to watch what's going on as long as you need Ortho's his help. He feels quite guilty for not showing up on his own but- maybe it's just better this way. Coming in person would do no good but him freaking out at not knowing what to do which would end up in making you feel worse. Long distance watch as he controls Ortho around is way better, even if he has to keep his eyes on tablet 24/7. He cuts back on his sleeping to make sure that nothing would go wrong. Even long distance watch seems to be stressful at this point...

He does care about you, a lot, but right now, he's no prepared to show physical affection. Let him show his love through his very own ways, he's just taking baby steps with you <3

Malleus Draconia

"Now now little one, don't give in so easealy. I know you're stronger than this..." Malleus motivates you. You certainly aren't going to die just because of a simple fever but still, wow. Humans -are- truly weak and fragile. He shouldn't really be caring for a mortal being especially if it's a human, but you are an 'exception'; you always are.

He could just leave you to Lilia and Sebek and you would've been under their watch and care 24/7, but he prefers to do this on his own since you are his favorite creature. He doesn't mind seeing how you'd overcome the pain even if it's with a simple cold. He wants to get more of you and your expressions.

He doesn't really have much to do, magic can do it all. All it takes to turn your depressing room into a prince/princess's dreamy bedroom is a twist of a finger. Go on and tell him what you want , you shall have in within a second. "All the best for you, child of man~"

While his significant magic skills are all truly stunning and helpful, his presence on his own seems to be the best part of him nursing you. He is your tsunotarou, afterall~ Not the descendant of Mistress of all Evil but only when it comes to you.

Sometimes he'd make you wish you'd stay in bed forever and ever, all to have him here, by your side. Just to have his soft, slender fingers brushing against your cheek and playing with the tip of your hair.

He does talk, but most of the time being is spent in silence since he doesn't want to bother you if it's hard for you to talk. He may pretend to be busy with something else but it's just to take your mind over the fact that he's watching you all the time. His small gestures are just as sensual as his words. Kisses on forehead, locking his dragon eyes with you , brushing your soft hair with hand as you lay on his shoulder (not that he cares about keeping the distance although you're sick. Your human illnesses are way too weak to do any harm to him, anyway~ )

His favorite time of the day is when you're asleep. You're adorable and lovely all time but, your sleeping pose, it's unimaginably beautiful to him. Watching your calm face empty of any emotion followed by the calm, yet, organized pace in your breathing as your chest falls and rises. He barely gets any sleep during the night, he doesn't need it. Watching you is way more pleasing: "Sweet dreams, my precious little human~"

Lilia Vanrouge

The most experienced, dedicated nurse here. He's been raising many of baby faes and struggling with a young, fireball shooter baby Malleus over the years. Nursing a fragile ill human like you is no more than a warm-up for him.

Chill on your bed and let him take care of everything, from the warm towels to fluffy blankets and pillows. Smooth music playing in your room as you take short naps, plushies and teddy bears around your bed giving you feelings of a newborn baby sleeping in a warm and fancy bed.

That's not all, along with his professional nursing skills, having Lilia himself around would take it all to a whole new level. He is so full of contrasts; Young and old, quite and wild, wise and careless, serious and silly and probably hundreds of other adjectives you can name.

Where else would you find a nurse who'd play you your favorite rock tracks on his guitar in the afternoon while at night, brings you cookies and hot milk to have while listening to his old but -gold- stories before going to sleep?

Lilia has got it all, old, new, calm, wild, and perhaps that's how it's never boring when he's the one you are spending time with. 'Sickness with benefits' to call. But, don't forget his horrible cooking skills.

Better hide some canned food under your pillow to save yourself from starvation when he's not around, refuse to eat his food st any cost (otherwise you'll need another 2 week hospitalized because of food poisoning-)

Make sure to thank your adorable bat nurse when you're back to full health; even if your stomach's still in pain because of his nasty cooking.

Silver

It's...his first time taking care pf someone. He is neither experienced nor educated when it comes to human health... especially because of how he's been living with fairies (who barely get sick) all over his life. The only reliable source for him would be his own memories; how Lilia used to take care fo him when he was a child. There isn't much he can remember but that'd do

Nursing doesn't seem to be that hard when he actually gives it a try - Mostly about you sleeping all day. Wow if sleeping this much is considered to be a symptom of being sick, then Silver himself has to be sick as hell 24/7. He isn't really sure if that's concerning or not

He is doing good since he seems go be pretty responsible and calm toward the whole thing, but don't expect him to be on time.

Silver wants to make sure that you'll take your medicines on time but he often fails to. He oversleeps most of the time and when he's up, he'd panic knowing that you missed your hourly medicine again.

He'd lowkey feel frustrated and useless when he misses stuff because of his sleeping issues, especially when it comes to you. He have to go for a stronger method so, he ends up in using 7 different clocks and alarms to make sure that he won't miss anything anymore; you're sick. He has to do all his best to take care of you. Nobody matters more than you do. Alarm clocks he uses are freaking loud and give him a heart attack whenever he uses them to wake up. Poor guy would need a long sleep when you're better.

He often falls asleep next to your bed after making sure that you are having a peaceful night sleep. He places a goodnight kiss on your forehead lays his head at the bottom of your bed. Who knows, maybe he would dream of you tonight, again.

Sebek Zigvolt

There's no way that you'd ever come close to master Malleus but- he still cares for you, a lot. Perhaps as much as he cares for Malleus although he refuses to confess to it. He is trained and skilled for all possible emergencies so he's all prepared to take the best possible care of you and make sure that you'll return to full health in no time.

He just knows what he is doing and makes sure that things would run smoothly. He is keeping each and every aspect in consideration and can organize everything like no one else can. From your sleeping schedule to light exercises required as you're sick. He insists on you starting to develop a better life style so that you won't end up in bed and lose time like this.

It's nice to have someone keeping the balance of your life when you need it, but when it's Sebek we're talking about, know that he might go a bit -too far- with it. He'd be overly protective and strict while you need a considerable deal of sympathy and softness too since you're sick - He collects notes of everything that was teached while you were sick and brings them to you to study, telling you that it'd be impossible to keep up with the rest of the lessons unless you study them right now, in your bed. And when you complain of it being hard to read and sit due to how weak your body is, he returns with the solution: Audio books (He isn't giving up... deal with it )

Studying isn't your only issue: he's being protective over each and every muscle you move. He'd wake you up early in the morning for a light, morning work out and doesn't let you out of the bed for the rest of the day. Whenever you complain, that's what his answer would be: " Master Lilia has blessed me with these , gloriously impressive lessons he's learned through experiences within his long- lasting life!! I believe in his words from the bottom and there's surely no cure greater than this if he says so" poor boy isn't considering he possibility of Lilia tricking him again at all.

This puppy means good, even if he fails to show it as great as you might be expecting him to. In fact he is just following all that he's told to, meanwhile he's pretty inexperienced and new to it. You may find it a bit unfair but, consider that he would've never gone out of his way to take care of you for plenty of hours everyday if it wasn't for you (Or Malleus-) seeing you sad on its own gives him wet puppy vibes let alone having you sick . He may act like a coward but, it's all because of how much you mean to him.

[evie568]

Work in progress

♫ ♪ Spotify playlist : Ella changed the Name — Previously named : Cut ; by eviewivi

Date of creation : December 2017 — 3h6m

Let’s start from the beginning.

— —

· Who am I?

My name is Evie.

It was not my given name. I chose it myself. I always wanted a long name, like “Isabella” or “Elisabeth”, but I was given Eve. So I decided to add another letter to it to make it longer (age 4/5).

Some of my diplomas say “Evie”, and others say “Eve”. My passport says “Eve” whereas my social insurance card says “Evie”.

It’s a bit of a mess.

— —

I was born in 1995, in London and moved to the South of France with my family (age 8).

My parents are both English (although they enjoy saying they’re French since they have duel nationality now). I have 2 older sisters and 1 older brother.

At the age of 8, I remember that I could count up to 30 in French and say “Bonjour”. That was about it. I was put in a French school straight away and it was scary at first.

— —

Learning to speak French came naturally as I was young. The grammar was a little harder, and I still have difficulty with it today.

I actually have difficulty in English too. I often make mistakes.

Being born in one country and moving to another can sometimes be confusing.

“Are you French?” Not really…

“English?” Neither…

“So what are you?” Good question.

You often get asked the same questions.

“Do you think in English or French?”

“Do you dream in English or French?”

“Do you prefer England or France?”

I don’t mind it though, they find it interesting.

— —

· What happed?

This is a difficult question. I’m not too sure as I am still discovering things everyday.

I am not writing this, cured from my mental illness. I am writing this, still going through tough times, trying to get better everyday.

I am writing this as a sort of therapy, to help myself and maybe others.

To understand myself better, for family and friends to understand me better and maybe for people to relate to.

Writing has never been my strong point but whether you are good at it or not, I do find it helps. You get to express yourself freely, like dancing, or painting or creating music… any form of art really.

— —

So back to the question : what happened?

In 2018, I was diagnosed with a mental illness I had never heard of before in my life : Borderline Personality Disorder.

— —

· How did this all start?

After finishing a Sound Engineering course back in 2015 (Montpellier, FR), I went back home to my parents house to look for a job in the music industry.

It was very hard to find a job with no work experience at all. It was a catch 22 situation : I needed a job to gain experience but couldn’t get a job without any prior experience.

I would end up playing The Sims everyday in my one piece pajamas. Drinking Desperados in the evening while dreaming of moving to Sydney.

My parents quickly noticed I was not being very productive, and gave me a speech.

I would often check Facebook and see my best friend at the time, having the time of her life as an Au Pair in London.

I was jealous.

— —

In October 2015, I took a plane to London to become an Au Pair.

I was an Au Pair for about 2 years in London, and it was so much fun.

I made friends with other Au Pairs from all over the world that were so lovely. We would go out to bars, concerts, parks, museums, festivals and so much more.

— —

Then I met Julien.

This part is difficult to write about as it is still very painful and I have forgotten a lot.

My therapist told me it’s hard to remember what hurt you so much. I find that to be true in this situation, but I’ll try my best.

— —

I’ve never had a boyfriend in my life. And I was 22 years old.

My brother created an online profile for me on a website called OKCupid. He told me that it wasn’t just for dating, but you could also make friends.

I met Julien on OKCupid. His username was “JulienB26” (his last name started with a B and he was 26… I know, very creative…). Mine was “BurnTogether” (the name of a music album I was OBSESSED with at the time)

He was not my type at all, but sent me the sweetest, most personal message I had ever received, so I thought “why not?”

We met in a rock bar in Camden Town called The Worlds End, and it was fun. We got on straight away and it was my best first date ever.

Long story short we ended up dating.

After only about a month, I left my Au Pair family and moved in with him in Notting Hill. He met my family and I met his.

My parents adored him! He seemed so perfect. He was cultured, dressed nicely, polite, had a good job, a nice and tidy apartment…

He wasn’t that perfect though.

— —

He smoked a lot of weed, was addicted to online video games and extremely jealous.

I remember one time when I was typing to my friend at the time, he snatched my phone out of my hands to see what I was writing. It was quite aggressive and I did not like it at all.

— —

My Au Pair friend Pri invited me one day to spend time with her and our new Au Pair friend to go out to pubs near London Bridge.

I refused, as Julien didn’t want me to go. He didn’t like Pri.

We (Julien and I) went to the rock bar we first met at instead. It was not fun. We didn’t have much left in common.

I felt the relationship slowly dying and there was a lot about him I did not like anymore. But breaking up with him was not an option.

I got drunk. I often drank. I liked it so much and would drink too much, too often.

The following day I saw about 5 to 10 messages from my friend Pri.

There was a terrorist attack that very same night at London Bridge.

She managed to escape but unfortunately our Au Pair friend, did not.

— —

Pri asked me to spend the day with her, the day we found out that our friend had passed away and, of course, I went.

We drank wine together and cried.

She didn’t want to spend the night alone and asked me if I could stay with her.

I agreed and asked Julien if it was okay with him. But it was not.

It was a problem for him and he refused.

I left.

— —

Julien had been acting strange for a couple of days.

I didn’t really know what to do and didn’t want to be egocentric and assume it was because of me, but I did.

Maybe he was thinking about his father who passed away?

I didn’t know, and he wasn’t telling me anything.

— —

One day, as I came home from babysitting, and had enough. I needed to know what was wrong.

He put down his joint, told his online friends on Discord that he needed to leave and turned around from his computer to face me.

— —

This part is very hard to remember.

He told me I didn’t deserve his love as he couldn’t love me to the fullest.

He wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to end things and needed some time to think.

Our age difference was a problem for him. He thought we were in two different phases of our life.

— —

I didn’t sleep that night.

I watched Netflix and cried until I saw the sun rise.

The next following days were difficult. It was the same pattern everyday.

I woke up sad, left for work angry, came back confused and went to sleep sad.

I didn’t deserve this.

No one deserves being with someone who isn’t sure they love them and needs time to think.

So I decided to leave.

I took a train to Paris and never came back.

— —

My brother who studied art in Paris, decided to spend a year of his education in Bergen, Norway. So he had an un-used flat in Paris for a year.

I asked my parents if I could stay in the flat while looking for a job in Paris.

They agreed.

— —

I felt fresh, like a new chapter of my life was starting. I didn’t know anyone (besides my brothers friends, Julie and Yolo).

I bought healthy, organic, vegan food and bought a membership to a gym that I would go to everyday for an hour.

Things were looking good. I felt positive.

— —

I quickly found a part-time job as a receptionist for a company involved in cryptocurrency.

It was so much fun.

I loved saying hello to all the staff that walked passed my desk in the morning.

My life was good, and it got even better.

— —

I went to the company’s seminar in a grand chateau outside of Paris.

One evening, we had special places to sit for dinner. It was a way of mixing all different employees from different services to connect.

I was sat at a table with one of the Vice Presidents of the company.

He was very kind and asked me what I do outside of work and what I would like to do in the future.

I had a couple of Desperados and told him that I originally wanted to join a company in the music industry and work my way up, but since working for the company, I had fallen in love with the it and would actually like to work my way up in this company.

This was not a sneaky plan or anything. I’m not that smart.

Fortunately though, the President of the company heard my tipsy conversation and called me over.

He asked me if what I said was true. I was astonished he knew my name!

— —

About two weeks after the seminar, the Vice President of Sales approached me asking if we could have a chat.

He had heard from the President that I wanted to join the company and offered me a position in the Sales department.

I had no experience whatsoever in sales, but accepted with great pleasure.

— —

My personal life on the other hand was not going so well.

I was drinking a lot and started cutting myself with broken glass as a punishment for drinking.

But I didn’t tell anyone or do anything about it as I felt in control of the situation.

I was on OKCupid again but comparing every profile to Julien.

In the spring of whatever year it was (2018 maybe?), I went back to London to see Julien as he had some of my belongings to give back to me.

We talked and walked in Hyde Park for about two hours. I wore his favorite dress.

I told him about my amazing new job and friends I had made. I was subtly bragging about my life. I wanted him to regret letting me go. And he did. He cried so much and felt very regretful. I felt happy even though I was suffering inside.

Towards the end of the walk he told me he was seeing someone new.

I did not expect that. I was shocked.

— —

I remember taking the underground back, and crying like I have never cried before while listening to Taylor Swift.

I felt that something inside of me had changed. Something bad.

— —

After returning back to Paris things got worse. I was drinking more and cutting deeper and more often.

Julien was still texting me at the time and I was not responding as I wanted to cut the cord with him.

He didn’t understand why and I remember telling him that I had never felt this bad in my life. I had never hated myself so much and needed space.

He told me that I needed to seek professional help.

I said goodbye and blocked him.

— —

On the day of Gay Pride 2018 in Paris.

I was drinking alone.

I didn’t eat anything that day and drank a bottle of white wine alone in my flat.

I remember grabbing a glass and smashing it on the floor, collecting the sharpest piece of glass I could find and cutting and cutting and cutting.

My friend Yolo came over and saw the pieces if glass all over the kitchen floor and saw me on the floor crying and bleeding.

She called an Uber and took me to a psychiatric hospital.

I was so desperate for help that I would have gone anywhere she took me.

We had to stop the Uber half way there so I could throw up and then continue on our route.

— —

Once there I remember talking to a professional, crying, about suicidal thoughts I had.

I remember doing a lot of research at the time and discovered a website.

It had all the information I was looking for on it.

I spent a night at the hospital Saint Anne to sober up.

The following day, they let me go.

— —

Even though things were bad, I still felt 100% in control of the situation.

I would self harm and drink almost daily.

I continued doing research about suicide and the sharpest object known to man.

One day I decided to order a pack of scalpels off of Amazon. They arrived quickly.

I was so eager to try them but had to go to work that day. So I just did a small cut on my arm and wow.

I didn’t press hard at all but bled. It was so satisfying at the time.

— —

On my friend Julie’s birthday I remember coming home from work, going to the closest shop to my flat and buying two 50cl cans of Desperados. I could tell the cashier was judging me, but I did not care much.

I put on a stand up comedy show on Netflix and proceeded to drink the beer.

Then I remembered the scalpels in my bedside draw.

I had promised myself not to self-harm anymore before the summer holidays as I would be around my family in t-shirts and shorts.

But I wanted to so badly. So I did.

I said to myself that it would be just one cut on my thigh. But it had to be satisfying enough.

So I cut my thigh.

— —

I forgot that it was a scalpel and in my mind it was just a piece of broken glass.

Big mistake.

I cut too deep.

I remember seeing the white fat through the cut in my thigh.

It didn’t hurt though.

Then the blood started to flow. There was so much.

I tried to close the cut with my hands, but blood got everywhere.

I panicked.

I didn’t want to disturbed Julie on her birthday so I phoned her boyfriend (who was also my work colleague).

He calmed me down and phoned the emergencies who arrived very quickly.

— —

I went to the hospital and had to have ten stitches in my thigh.

They also made me speak to a therapist there who told me I could go home.

So I went home.

— —

I was seeing a psychiatrist for a while (since the Gay Pride event)

That told me after the 10 stitches incident that I was depressed.

I still remember the feeling of her telling me I was depressed. I was shocked and didn’t want to believe her.

I had everything under control!

She suggested I take antidepressants and I accepted. Paroxetine 10mg

— —

I worked for the company for about a year.

It was amazing.

I traveled to Berlin and London. I also attended a “Blockchain Cruise” from Barcelona to Monaco to Ibiza.

I could bring whomever I wanted from the company.

I chose Jacques.

He seemed nice.

— —

On the cruise, there was a party going on and of course, we both attended it. I was a little bit tipsy and kissed a guy on the dance floor.

I remember seeing Jacques really angry and went over to talk to him.

We were talking near the main bar on the boat.

He seemed very drunk.

He tried to kiss me but I pushed him away.

He tried again and I had to push harder.

Someone felt the need to intervene and asked me if I needed help.

I told them that everything was okay and walked Jacques back to the room.

— —

After the trip I wanted to forget that side I saw of Jacques.

So I did.

I wanted to be his friend and he wanted to be mine.

— —

One evening we were having drinks with work colleagues in a whiskey bar.

I asked Jacques, as a friend, if he wanted to spend the night at my flat.

I felt very lonely and was a bit tipsy.

I didn’t want anything to happen between us, but I understand now how he thought differently.

— —

As we were going to bed, he tried again, like on the cruise to kiss me.

I pushed him away but he was stronger.

He then proceeded to take my pajama trousers off.

I pulled them back up. He pulled them back down.

I remember his fingers inside of me. I tried pushing him off of me but he grabbed my wrists.

He then, finally, saw that I was not happy.

So thankfully, he stopped.

I pulled my trousers back up and stayed in a foetus position until I fell asleep.

— —

The next morning we walked to work together.

I didn’t feel right. Something about that night felt wrong.

I phoned Julie and told her what had happened. She was in Greece at the time.

I sent an email to my boss telling him that I didn’t feel well and asking him if I could have the day off.

He accepted and I left with my friend Yolo who met me at work.

— —

We had a lovely day. We went to the cinema, went and got massages, and later on that evening, we were at a café and my friend Julie appeared out of nowhere!

She had taken an early plane back from Greece to come and see me.

I was so happy to see her!

— —

The next week, at the end of the day at work, round 7pm, my boss asked if he could talk to me.

He told me that the President of the company had heard that I slept with a married colleague.

This has never happened and I has shocked and embarrassed.

I told him this information was not true and he believed me.

He told me to tell him if anything ever happens between me and a colleague.

I felt the need to tell him that Jacques took advantage to me. And I did.

My voice was shacking. He was angry.

After our chat, I left and went home.

— —

I don’t remember this part very well but I remember going to see my therapist very drunk with a bottle in my hand to my appointment.

She called the emergencies and they took me to a psychiatric hospital, La Maison Blanche.

— —

It was very strange at first seeing all different kinds of patients, with all different mental illnesses.

(the person is drinking water from a puddle, not praying)

— —

I stayed for about 15 days there and made some friends.

It wasn’t as bad as it first seemed.

— —

My siblings were aware of what was going on with me. But once again, I still felt under control of what was happening.

They didn’t think so, and they were right to think that.

One day I ran away of the hospital and drank cans of beer in the side walk.

That is when my siblings decided to tell my parents what was going on.

After going back inside the hospital, one of the nurses told me that my mother was on her way to see me, she took a 4h train to come.

She had no idea what was going on before. It must have been a terrible shock for her.

I felt so scared and embarrassed for her to see me in this blue outfit they had given me but they refused to give me back my clothes.

— —

It was extremely difficult to balance my work and personal mental health.

I was coming to terms with my depression and accepting that I was, in fact, never in control of anything that was happening to me.

— —

After leaving the hospital, I went back to work.

It was very awkward at first.

The President of the company asked to speak with me about my long absence.

I didn’t want to go into details, so I just mentioned that I was at the hospital without saying why, or what kind of hospital…

Later that same day, someone from human resources also asked to speak to me.

She was asking is everything was okay and I told her what my therapist had told me to say, that I had a really sore throat.

Now looking back at it, I know that she knew exactly where I was. In a psychiatric hospital.

The papers the hospital were giving to my company to cover my absence, had the address on them.

So she knew…

— —

One day, my boss got fired out of the blue. He was such an amazing person and work colleague. He didn’t deserve this.

Later that month, my other Sales colleague, also got fired.

Cryptocurrency was not doing as well as it was before, and the company was slowly dying.

I was next to get fired.

It was the day before my birthday.

I remember my new, less cool boss, asked me to have a word with him and a person from HR.

I honestly thought at the time that I was getting a raise. Lol.

The conversation was very awkward, it lasted about 15 minutes. I don’t remember much of what was said.

They told me to leave straight away and not mention to anyone that I got fired.

I told my friend/colleague on Slack before leaving the building.

He was worried he was next to get fired.

So I sent him a brief message saying “turns out you were right about the Sales team getting fired. I have to leave now. Please don’t tell anyone.”

I left and went home.

— —

As I got home I lay on the sofa staring into oblivion.

I wanted to cry. I said to myself that this is a situation most people would cry.

But it was so hard to shed a tear.

I felt numb.

— —

I phoned my mother and told her what had happened. She was worried I would do something bad.

I invited my friend, Alienor, that I made from the hospital over, and we drank beer and took cocaine.

My father phoned me.

He could hear by my voice that I had drank.

My parents contacted Yolo to come pick me up and take me back to the hospital by Uber.

I felt obliged to go with her, so I went and Alienor left.

I only stayed one night or maybe two. I don’t really remember.

— —

I continued living in Paris for a couple of months, without a job.

I would drink everyday. Cans of Heineken beer.

I would wake up and drink straight away, while watching BoJack Horseman.

Then I would fall asleep around 6pm.

Everyday was the same pattern. Beer and BoJack.

— —

I had stopped self harming, as I had promised myself since the 10 stitches to never start again. But suicide was still a big subject in my mind.

The website I had discovered, has the most common methods of suicide in order of success rate. And hanging myself seemed like an okay technique.

I wanted to test it out without actually killing myself.

I know it sounds weird.

I wanted to try and see if it was doable without actually doing it all the way.

——

I took the cotton belt off from my work trousers. I thought to myself that I wouldn’t need it anymore, as I don’t have a job anymore.

I tied a knot around my clothes hanger in my wardrobe, and tied the other side around my neck.

Then, I very gently bent my legs (as I could touch the floor).

The next thing I remember is waking up with the belt around my neck, in my wardrobe.

Saliva was all over my mouth. Snot was dripping from my nose.

It scared me.

I couldn’t undo the tight knot around my neck so cut it off with a pair of kitchen scissors.

I threw the belt in the bin and laid in my bed in a state of shock.

I phoned a friend at the time, and told him what just happened to me.

He came over and we talked about it.

— —

I liked him, he promised not to tell anyone and let me drink.

Yolo and Julie where more worried and protective. They would judge how much I would drink, and I didn’t really like that.

— —

One day, a colleague/friend of mine was organizing a small party at his house with about 8 people.

Julie, her boyfriend, Yolo and I all went along with other ex-work colleagues.

I got drunk quickly. And when I drank, I would talk too much.

I told a friend/ex-work colleague that I tried to hang myself the other day just to try it out but ended up fainting.

— —

Later that evening, I went home to my flat and fell asleep.

Around 3 in the morning, my door bell rang.

I didn’t know who it was, but opened the door all tired.

It was Julie, Yolo and another friend.

They were really worried about me.

What I had said at that party has gotten out, and everyone knew about it.

They told me I needed to go back to the hospital.

So I did the very next morning.

— —

I went back to The Maison Blanche, and stayed there for 12 nights.

One of the male nurses saw me and asked why I was back, again.

I told him what had happened and he was very nice. He gave me advice and listened to me.

He mentioned that we should go out for drinks once I get out of the hospital. I agreed and gave him my number.

— —

We texted that night, while I was in my hospital bed.

Our text messages were very flirtatious.

The next following days we had sexual relations in my hospital room, and in the storage room.

— —

Once I left La Maison Blanche, I invited Alienor over to drink and take cocaine.

And I told her about my romantic affair I had at the hospital.

She didn’t seem surprised. She told me that another female patient had sexual relations with a nurse there too, and she wondered if it was the same nurse. So did I.

We sent a message to the girl in question and asked her to describe the male nurse she had relations with.

It was him. Paul. And she was 17.

— —

This suddenly felt wrong and I had to tell someone. So I told my mother about Paul and also Jacques.

She was really angry. More so about Paul the nurse than Jacques. But I felt the opposite.

I didn’t feel taken advantage of by Paul. But Jaques really hurt me.

My mother wanted me to report both of them to the police, so I did.

— —

My parents didn’t trust me living alone in such a big city so far away. I needed help.

In May 2019 I want to Rehab for alcohol and cocaine addiction.

I spent one month there. It was much nicer than the hospital. They had a ping-ping table, a chess set and many more activities.

I spent a month in Rehab and it was really nice to be away from alcohol.

Alcohol affected me in bad ways.

I would say so many things I regret. I would hurt myself and make bad decisions.

I drank so much that when I didn’t, I would uncontrollably shake and feel faintish.

Rehab made me want to stop forever.

— —

My mother would visit me often and it was lovely to see her. She was very supportive.

After leaving Rehab, it was time for me to leave Paris forever and move back in with my parents down South of France.

I needed to not be alone. I needed help.

— —

I moved back into my old bedroom with my vinyls and The White Stripes posters. It was comforting.

I was now taking more medication : Paroxetine (20mg) and Abilify (5mg).

And it was making me feel better.

My mother wanted me to see one of the best therapists in France.

So I started seeing a new psychiatrist in Bordeaux, FR (1h away by train) every two weeks.

At first we did not get along.

I wanted him to help me forget about my ex, but he explained that it was not possible to forget the past, you must accept it as part of you, like a scar.

He wanted me start writing about my feelings in a journal. I was not good at it and did not enjoy it. But I did it anyway.

— —

A few months later, I was starting to feel much better and stronger.

My therapist was really helping me, and so was my family.

I decided it was time to find a job near my parents house.

In October 2019, I found a job as an Exhibition Assistant for a company in events.

I was saving up to move to Sydney, Australia. To start a new life far away. To a place I’ve always wanted to go to.

I’ve never been to Australia but didn’t care.

— —

Working for this company was not fun, and a lot of pressure. They wanted to me make a minimum of 200 phone calls a day. And I hated being on the phone.

I told my therapist about my job being very pressurizing and he told me to quite and move to Sydney sooner.

That sounded like a great plan! I was so happy about this decision.

I went home and bought myself a Working Holiday Visa.

— —

My psychiatrist decided it was time to stop my medication as I was doing really well.

So I stopped them gradually.

The withdraw effects were a nightmare.

I was sweating, felt nauseous, had diarrhea, felt extremely emotional…

But that only lasted for about 2 weeks.

I was so happy that I wasn’t taking any medication anymore!

I felt on top of the world.

— —

For New Years Eve, I decided to go see my old friends from when I was doing my Sound Engineering course.

I told them about what had happened to me, and I could see it made them sad. They told me that I was such a happy person before. That I didn’t deserve this.

I told them I was fine now and that it was in the past.

I didn’t drink on NYE and they respected that. But I felt odd. I felt numb for some reason. They loved me so much and expressed it. But I didn’t seem to feel the same way. I used to. But not anymore. I didn’t feel love for anyone and that worried me. I felt like a ghost.

— —

My mother picked me up and could tell that I was different.

I went to work the following day and did not feel well at all.

I could feel it all coming back. I was so scared and ashamed of relapsing. But I knew I was.

I told my boss that I wasn’t feeling well and she let me go home.

I got back home and told my parents : I think I’m depressed again…

— —

I saw my therapist again and every session he would read what I wrote.

This was the last time I wrote in my diary.

He closed my black book and called my mother in.

He told me I needed to go back to a psychiatric hospital.

— —

My parents drove me back home from Bordeaux after that session and we packed a suitcase and went to the nearest psychiatric hospital. La Candelie in Agen.

I remember hearing my therapist on the phone to the hospital telling them I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no idea what that was.

— —

I arrived at La Candelie and spent 7 weeks there.

I was not in a good state of mind.

I tried hanging myself multiple times there in the shower but couldn’t let go of all of my weight by bending my legs. I just couldn’t.

I cut myself often and managed to bring in Vodka.

It was a mess.

— —

They put me in the isolation room for one night.

The isolation room was horrific.

They gave me paper pajamas that would rip with the slightest movement.

The door was locked and I had a bucket to pee in.

I was not allowed a pillow or a blanket. It was so cold and my pajamas were ripped everywhere.

The next morning, I saw a psychiatrist from the hospital and told him that I was fine and just being dramatic. I did not want to go back there.

— —

After 7 long weeks I was finally allowed out.

It was a long time.

I was now on even more medication : Paroxetine, Abilify, Tercian, Alprazolam and Mirtazapine.

I felt so numb. Better, but numb.

Australia was not an option anymore. Not for a while anyway.

— —

Once I left the hospital, I was obliged to have a nurse come to my parents house every morning and evening to make sure that I take all my medication properly.

I also had to go a psychological-medical center once a week.

I got tired of explaining what happened when, where and why. It was hard to remember. So I decided to write all the bullet points down on a piece of paper.

— —

· Where am I now?

Today is the 13th of May 2021. I still suffer from my mental illness even though I wish it was all in the past.

I’m currently taking Mirtazapine, Abilify and Alprazolam and only see a nurse once a week to restock on medication.

My therapist appointments have been elongated to once a month.

I haven’t self harmed in about a year.

I do however still have episodes with suicidal thoughts, but they are less severe.

My therapist from Paris once told me that you will have ups and downs, but with time the ups will be less up and the downs less down.

It’s starting to make sense now.

I currently live in a small city called Agen (30m drive from my parents house) with my boyfriend Yann. He’s the best.

We met through an old friend of mine that I reconnected with last year.

I still don’t have many friends where I live, as they are all over the place (Montpellier, London and Paris)

— —

My mother took an online course about Borderline Personality Disorder, which I really appreciate. I feel like maybe she understands a part of me more.

— —

Julie left Paris and moved to Montpellier to become a Yoga instructor. She and her boyfriend are still together, building their new life in the South of France.

— —

Yolo is still in Paris, she recently got a job as a video editor for a cool company. She’s doing great.

— —

Pri is still in London, not as an Au Pair anymore but as a chef by day, and an Art Salon organizer by night. She’s always been very productive and I admire that.

— —

Alienor unfortunately is back in the hospital in Paris, La Maison Blanche, as she tried to commit suicide by jumping off of a bridge above train rails. She lost both of her legs and one arm, but thankfully survived.

— —

The criminal cases concerning Jacques and Paul the nurse, are still going on. It’s been a very long process but I hope it ends soon.

— —

I don’t have any news at all regarding Julien and do not plan on having any.

— —

· Why am I writing this?

Like I wrote at the beginning of this, longer than expected text, about my mental health, I am writing this for me, my family and friends and hopefully others who may relate to it and seek help if they need it.

I often mentioned that I felt under control of the situation, but I was wrong. So maybe someone reading this might make the decision to seek help.

I have no words to describe how thankful I am to the people who helped me.

This is not a suicide note, it’s the opposite. It’s a “life” note.

A note to remind me that some days can be nice and happy, but others can be very, very hard. But you must go on. You must keep on fighting. It might seem like an endless battle but it gets better.

Sometimes that’s hard to see. But I see it now.

[toomanysurveys9]

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? I don’t remember.

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? My grandma. I want to tell her about everything and introduce her to my babies.

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? My grandma.

4. How would you describe your current mood? I’m okay. I’m just really, really tired.

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? I don’t remember.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? Being okay.

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? Prefer the bed. It’s so much easier.

8. What is your earliest memory? One of them is singing at my grandparents house.

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? Nah.

10. What type of a drunk are you? It depends. I start off happy and okay and then I get depressed and stuff.

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? I get to be the one by JJ Heller.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? It’s been a long time, and we’re married now.

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? Miscarriage.

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? I’ve never really had to “deal” with a breakup.

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? Weed. And I never want to do any again.

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? Self-injury.

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? I think in some areas, I am a good person. But I could definitely be better.

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? Always keep fighting.

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? My pets are family. As far as other animals, while I’m not a vegetarian or vegan, I still believe they should be treated in a humane way and with compassion. There’s no reason to be cruel, such as abusing them or keeping them in harsh conditions. <<< This.

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? I’ve been up all night a lot. I haven’t been sleeping too well lately.

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? I have engaged in self-injury in the past. And I have been sexually abused.

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? Uh, I guess what I shared above.

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? We just grew apart I guess.

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? Yeah.

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? I don’t know. Either my mom or Jake. I don’t know that I yelled back.

26. Where did your last injury come from? I banged a chair leg into my shin about a week or two ago. It still hurts.

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? I don’t have any kinks. My turn-ons are pretty basic.

28. What are you like during arguments? These days... I tend to shut down.

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? I don’t know.

30. Where do you like to be kissed? Forehead kisses are sweet.

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? Both. Eye contact is not my strongest quality.

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? Something Jacob said to Wyatt that wasn’t okay at all. And yes.

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? Jacob. That I love him and to make sure he always tells our babies that I love him too.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? I would definitely tell some people. And I don’t know. But I don’t want to think about this with my upcoming doctor appointment. And very.

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? There’s no choices to choose between...

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? Yes I would. Because I can find a new job. The dog won’t have another life.

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? They’re the same.

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? I’m straight, so there’s that...

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? No. People might think I’m horrible for that... but no.

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? I don’t know.

41. Does love = sex? No.

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? I’m in the same boat, so probably not.

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? I don’t know.

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? That I love them.

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Uhhh. Ice cream. It just makes me happy sometimes.

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? My daughter.

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? I don’t know.

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? Jacob.

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? I’m certified, so yes. Compressions are the most important component if you’re uncomfortable doing mouth to mouth until help arrives.

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? I don’t like this survey. I”m going to be up all night, anxious as shit. So thanks.

51. Are you old fashioned? I guess in some areas.

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? I never expect anything in return for my kindness.

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? True love. I would rather have been loved for awhile than to feel as though I don’t matter.

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? I’d wish for all illnesses to be cured and to be able to stay this age forever.

55. What was the last thing you ate? Pizza.

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? I don’t know.

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? I don’t remember.

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex for?

I don’t know. I don’t time it.

59. What reality shows do you watch? The Masked Singer. I Can See Your Voice.

60. Post a video of yourself here: No thanks.

61. Where do you work? A local center for kiddos on the autism spectrum.

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? Yeah. I’ve gotten in one once even...

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? Walmart.

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? Psychologist.

65. What’s your most irrational fear? I have a lot of them.

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? There’s two I mostly listen to.

67. What kind of music do they have?

One is popular music, and the other is country.

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? Greece.

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? Eh. Not necessarily my favorite generally.

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? I don’t know. I’m going to a musical in a couple weeks though.

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? Needing sleep.

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? Depends on the person, but not generally.

[mininky]

Crash Landing

Summary: Jung Hoseok. Notorious hot dude on campus. Excellent dancer. Bad boy. Tattoos. Your best friend’s older brother. There were a lot of reasons why he was a terrible idea. Scratch that, fucking awful life ruining idea. But hey, you’re here to win ‘dumbest idea of the century’ award apparently.

Pairing: Dancer!Hoseok x  Uni Student!reader (fem)

Genre: Slow Burn, best friend’s older brother AU, Uni AU, smut, romance

Warnings: mentions of divorce, mentions of Hobi having been cheated on, protected sex, oral sex (fem. receiving), Hoseok with tattoos 

Word Count: 13.4K

   Meeting Hoseok had been a freak event unlike anything else in your mostly uneventful life, and in that way, it was completely fitting. He had quite literally stumbled into your life. Well, crash landed is more like it. While seated on a bench spacing out into another dimension that was void of any sentient thought after finals he had face planted into the bush right next to you. You're not sure how long you'd been sitting there on the bench, possibly long enough to grow moss, and really you didn't think that anything could get you to move from your spot. You were on the fast track to becoming a Buddhist monk until Hoseok's ill-timed passing out had finally gotten you to move. At a lightning speed that you didn't think was possible after five finals back to back in one day fueled by sheer willpower and too much caffeine to be safe for human consumption you were next to him.

   You had been convinced at the lack of protest or noise at falling face first into a very thorny bush that the man had most certainly died. Fight or flight responses had miraculously kicked on and as adrenaline surged the first thing you thought to do instead of asking him if he was okay was to slap his face as hard as possible. He groaned but otherwise didn't stir until you started to pull out your phone with trembling hands to call 911. You recognized him as his hands suddenly came up to move the phone away with surprising strength. The man you were sure was dying in front of you was none other than Jung Hoseok. Your best friend's older brother, who normally looked the spitting image of the sun and good health in all of the pictures you'd seen of him but now looked closer to a strung out druggy who took one hit too many. You've also noticed that he has a ton of tattoos that weren't in any of the pictures you've seen of him. Intricate poke and needle types, all littered around his arms.

   "Holy shit, Hoseok?" He groaned again before struggling to sit up, hand clawing away some leaves and thorns stuck in his hair.

   "Please don't call 911. I don't have insurance. Just tired. Please let me sleep." With that, his head slumped back with an unnervingly loud thwack on the concrete.

   You had a few options at this point.    Option #1: Leave and just let him possibly die of a concussion after hitting his head that hard    Option #2: call your best friend and let her know that her brother is dying and won't let you call 911 because of his lack of health insurance    Option #3: slap him again, try to get him to move and drag him back to wherever he lives    Option #4 (should probably be the first but your brain is fried and adrenaline is a hell of a drug): call 911 anyways and then be forced to work three jobs and drop out of school to pay the medical bills you've forced on him    Option #5: try to drag him yourself back to your dorm which is only a short distance from the very bench you've been spacing out at.

   You went with a combination of option five and three. In which you slapped him (open-palmed and left a beautiful red mark behind and your palm stinging unpleasantly) and forced him to get up. In a bizarre zombie state he slumped over your shoulder and it took you the longest fifteen minutes of your life to finally get into your dorm and throw him into your bed. Now you'd like to lie and say that at this point you tried to give some sort of shitty and iffy medical aid, but your own exhaustion had taken over and you'd fallen asleep slumped at the edge of your bed only five minutes later.

   It was hours later that you'd finally woken up to the sound of Hoseok stirring and groaning before freaking out at his unknown surroundings. "Where the fuck am I? Who are you? What the fuck is going on?"

   "Wow, first of all, I'd appreciate a thank you for carrying your deceptively heavy ass up three flights of stairs when you were mostly unconscious. Second of all, I'm (Y/N), your knight in shining armor and also I happen to be Sam's best friend. You biffed it face first into a bush and told me not to call 911 and that you just needed to sleep. So after slapping you...twice actually...I carried you into my room." You wipe away a few crusties from your eyes as you look at the man in front of you.

   He's unnervingly handsome. In a way that makes you wonder how humans can be created his way. Perfectly well-shaped nose, a jaw that's both soft and chiseled, pouty lips, hair that flops in that painfully sexy disheveled way that some men spend hours to get just so for a picture on Instagram but refuse to admit that they did, eyes that hold a hint of playful mystery in their murky brown gaze. Even with bags under his eye and lackluster pallor from finals week he still looks like he deserves sculptures and shrines dedicated to him.  

   But the real sucker punch gut-wrenching charm was his laugh. The way his eyes crinkled up and perfect teeth shined as he heard this news had all the breath forced out of you slowly like a careful pinprick to a balloon. You should have known then that nothing good could come from Jung Hoseok. You should have known. But instead, you just stared up at him the floor like you were staring straight at the sun. So dazzlingly beautiful that looking right at it caused physical pain, although looking at him didn't cause you to sneeze at least.

   "Well, thank you for saving me oh knight in shining armor. Also, sorry for bailing every time Sam asks me to hang out with you guys. But you know, if the guys see me hanging out with freshman girls there will be inevitable questions and then I'll have to fight a horde of douchebags to protect my sister or whatever so really I've been doing you guys a favor." He gets up from the bed, carefully so as to not kick you straight in the face as you scramble off your knees and walk over to the door with him. "Oh, and do me a favor. Don't tell my sister. As far as you're concerned this never happened and you never met me."

   Just like that Hosoek was gone, as if he hadn't stumbled face first into a bush and nearly died. As if he hadn't made your finals addled brain nearly short circuit and all the breath leave your lungs from simply laughing. You kept your end of the bargain. You never told Sam what happened. Partially because you were convinced that it never did actually happen. You were sure that you had conjured up an obscure illusion or that it all had been some sort of strange dream. Until you met Hoseok again that is.

   It would be another three months before you would be destined to see Hoseok again. This time he would have that natural glow back to his skin, and the bags under his eyes were gone. Sam had dragged you to the coffee shop he worked at, fueled with a rage that was rather unnatural for her as she slammed into the quiet business with steam coming out of her ears and foam around the mouth as she tore into her brother with little care of innocent bystanders in her path. "Oy, you. You think you're too good to text me back asshole?"

   "Sam, not now. I'm working." He glanced at the one lone customer sitting at the worn leather couch three feet away who was staring openly at the debacle unfolding in front of him.

   "It's always not now! You're always too busy for me!" You made the mistake of trying to slip away, but Sam was too quick for you. She grabbed your hand before lighting back into her brother. "It's one thing to skip out on me, but really? Skipping out on dinner with mom last night?"

   "Shit, that was last night? I thought that was supposed to be tonight. God, I'm so sorry Sammy, I promise I'll make it up to you and mom. I promise."

   The beast would not be tamed, however. Sam, you're typically sweet best friend had a side to her that luckily rarely showed. The angry side. The side that could be heard across the county. The side that would slash all your tires. "Well, you fucking better Jung Hoseok." With that, she turned around and dragged you out of the coffee shop while you tried mouthing 'I'm so sorry' to the bewildered and painfully embarrassed Hoseok.

   Sam would later explain that she brought you along for the wild ride for two reasons. First, so you could stop her from committing a crime. Secondly, but most importantly, because you were the one with a car and she didn't want to pay for an uber over to the coffee shop.

   You know that in her heart of hearts Sam was angrier at the general shit show her family had turned into than Hoseok per se. He had just been the one closest in proximity and therefore the line of fire. Her parents were getting divorced, her family falling apart, and Hoseok had just kind of ghosted her. Bullshit reasons about fighting off the guys or whatever that had been earlier weren't good enough. She was angry at being abandoned. By her parents, by her brother, by the world. College was supposed to be the start of freedom, but for her, it had started in shambles. The two of you hadn't known each other before university, but you were in the same major and worked at the same small used bookstore and had fast become friends and then inseparable best friends. She spent more nights than you could count on the floor of your dorm just to get away from it all, and because you had lucked out and gotten the smallest room that was honestly more like a closet and could only house one bed so you had no roommate.  

   After that incident, she had broken into a fit of angry tears in your room and explained all of this to you. A word vomit of pain, anger, and angst. This all should have done something to dispell Hoseok to you, and yet it hadn't. Instead, you wondered what was going on in his head. You were curious about how and why he had withdrawn from his sister when she explained that before he went away to school they were closer than close. That he had always been her protector, her best friend. Sure they fought, they were siblings after all, but they were each other's rocks. Until he was just gone. And she thought going to the same school as him would fix it. Instead, the distance somehow felt larger now. So close in proximity but emotionally miles and miles away. Again, this should have shattered the perfect image of Hoseok that had been crafted in your brain after that odd encounter months ago but instead, it lent depths and layers to the man that made you want to peel everything back and study it closely.

   The third time you would meet Hoseok would be proof that the first encounter had, in fact, happened. It was two in the morning approximately a month later. You stumbled out of bed in a zombie state, sure that the only person who could possibly be knocking on your door this late at night could be Sam. It wasn't (unfortunately) entirely uncommon with her insane sleep schedule. So when you swung the door open in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear you could feel all color drain from your face at the sight of a very tired and sweaty Hoseok standing in front of you.

   "I know this is going to sound really weird, but my girlfriend and I broke up and I've been crashing couches but my friend has someone over tonight so then I tried sleeping in the library but it was just too uncomfortable so would you mind if I crash here? I noticed last time you didn't have a roommate. I can take the floor." Now you had two options at this point. (You're too tired to come up with 5 this time, thank god it was a lot of work having to detail your thoughts last time. You really should stop overthinking, I'm a little worried for you at this point. Sorry, I'll get back to the story.)    Option #1: slam the door on his face and crawl back into bed. You don't technically know him and it's not your problem.    Option #2: have pity on this painfully good-looking man and kiss a decent night's sleep goodbye because lord knows you won't be able to sleep when he's in the same room as you a second time.

   You went with option number two. Who are you kidding, you aren't evil enough to go with option number one. You just pray that his new distance with his sister and break up with his girlfriend isn't because he's actually secretly a serial killer and is going to chop you up into tiny bits. Although...on the plus side of that...no student loans!

   You opened the door wider and stepped off to the side. Covering your mouth for any offending morning breath as you spoke. "Sure, I've got an extra pillow and blanket too." You wanted to say more. There were so many questions about this random appearance, but really you didn't feel it was very polite to ask any of them. Not that knocking on the door of a near stranger at two in the morning to see if you can crash there is polite, but really one of you needs to respect boundaries. Right?

   "Thanks, I really appreciate it. Free coffee and baked goodies for life when I'm on shift. I promise." He stretched and let out a loud yawn as you tried to grab a pillow and blanket for him without bending over. He took them from your hands gingerly and you watched him try to get comfortable on the floor before you turned around, shut off the light, and crawled back into bed.

   You tried counting sheep. You tried doing simple math. You tried willing sleep to come. But everything brought your thoughts back around in a vicious cycle to the man laying on your floor. The man you knew almost nothing about. Save that he was your best friend's older brother, worked in a coffee shop, and went to the same school as you. Dance major, and that had earned him being cut off from his family financially if you remembered correctly. But that doesn't mean you know him. You've never actually had a proper conversation with him.

   At the sound of you stirring in bed once again you can hear his gravely voice from the floor calling out to you. "Can't sleep (y/n)?"

   You thought about playing dead or asleep or whatever. But figured there was no point. So instead you mumbled a quiet, "yeah."

   "Me neither. Can't sleep for shit lately." He pauses for a moment before sighing. "I'm sorry for just showing up here. I know we don't know each other, but I wasn't sure where else to go."

   "Nah, it's cool. Mi casa es su casa." You can hear him give one of those small snort laughs, the kind that's more like a loud exhale through the nose, and you can feel little butterflies start to hit your ribcage.

   "Well, I really appreciate it." You wait for a moment before calling out to him.

   "Are you okay, Hosoek?"

   "Ah, the million dollar question. I don't know. Are any of us?" There's something about the way his brooding words contrast sharply with his typically sunny appearance that has your heart singing. All of those layers around his heart built up like an impenetrable fortress has your curiosity in overdrive. It's not a safe place, you know that. But there's something about Hoseok that just lights things up around you.

   You've never been interested in another man this way. Every single person you've ever dated or hooked up with has been out of convenience. You were actually starting to question if you were some subcategory of Asexual. If there was a sexual category for people who couldn't hold romantic interest but did still get horny. That's a thing right? Aromantic? But Hoseok, now Hoseok is the type of guy that you can picture curled up next to after sex tracing at all of his tattoos and talking about everything and nothing for hours at a time. The type of guy that makes you start to understand why high school crushes are so painful. And you know it's slightly irrational. You know next to nothing about him, but god do you want to. If you could change your major to Hoseok you fucking would.  

   After a long pause, he starts talking again. His voice hoarser, as if he's trying to hold back tears. Or maybe he is crying, you can't tell in the dark. "No, I'm not okay. And I don't think I have been for a really long time. My parents weren't exactly the loving type. I tried my best to be there for Sam, but the moment I could get my freedom I took it. I rebelled, and my father cut me off for it as I'm sure she told you. But I didn't care. I was finally free. I was finally doing what I wanted, and I met this girl. I thought she was the love of my life. The one, you know? Listen, I don't normally give good advice but never date someone who tattoos you because it's going to end and you're going to wish that you didn't get all of them from her. I used to go into the shop just to see her. And then we started dating. And then she started cheating. And now we're not together and I don't have a place to live and it's middle of the year so I can't do dorms again and apartments are way too expensive. My boss said he'll give me the room in the back of the coffee shop tomorrow after he clears everything out, so at least after tonight I'll have a place to stay. But everything's a mess. My family is a mess, I'm a giant fucking mess, my grades have been slipping lately and I might lose my scholarships, and I've been homeless for a week now."

   Why did you have to really like the guy with all the baggage? The one with neon blinking signs that say 'no trespassing!' The best friend's older brother who has serious emotional issues to hammer out who's spilling his guts to a near stranger at three in the morning? And why is it that you have the emotional skills of a fucking rock at this moment? "Wow, that fucking sucks man." Really, that's all you can muster up? You tack on, "I'm sorry," for good measure.

   "You don't have anything to be sorry about. I'm sorry for dumping this all on you. I uh...I don't usually talk about this kind of stuff. To anyone. I guess you're just easy to talk to."

   "You should try talking more about it. It's not healthy to keep it all bottled in, you know?" You can hear him shuffle on the pillow, nodding his head you assume while you try not to squeal when he said you were easy to talk to.

   "How's Sam doing by the way? I've been a really shitty brother..."

   "Good right now. She had a few mental breakdowns, but she's on the quick road to recovery. She's taking the family falling apart in stride. She said that she kind of always knew this would happen, I think the harder thing has been the lack of contact with you. But don't worry, I won't tell her anything you told me. Just...talk to her when you're ready." You pause for a moment, trying to organize your thoughts before you add softly, "you know it's not always a bad thing for something to fall apart. Think of this as a new clean slate. There's still plenty of time this semester to pull your grades back up. And like you said you've got a place to stay lined up. And your parents...well there's nothing you can do about that. It honestly sounds like it was all for the better from the stories I've heard. Just...work on things one at a time. Don't try to do everything at once because then you won't do anything. And if things ever feel overwhelming like I said, mi casa es su casa. Think of me as like the emergency friend therapist or whatever."

   "Thanks (y/n)..." You can feel your cheeks heat up from the tone of his quiet voice and pray that your voice doesn't sound too squeaky when you call out a quiet goodnight.

   The next morning Hoseok is already gone by the time you wake up at ten. He's folded up the blanket and left a note on top of the pillow. "(y/n), thanks again for everything. If you ever need anything just let me know. (###) ###-####. -Hobi."

   It wasn't fair the way your heart hammered away first thing in the morning. It also was admittedly really creepy that the next thing you did was pick up the blanket to see if it smelled like him. It did. And you very much approve of his cologne choice. It's woodsy and citrusy and you're incredibly thankful that no one is around to see your face buried in the blanket. After your brain clicks back on and you realize that you're a certifiable creep at this point you slowly enter him as a contact. A strange, unfamiliar part of you wanted to give him some cutesy name but you realize how bizarre that would look and instead you simply enter him in as 'Hoseok' with no additional heart emojis.

   Part of you really wants to text him. Perhaps use the excuse of checking up on him, because you were actually really curious. There was a lot going on in his life and by the sounds of it he was cracking under pressure and not talking to anyone about it. Instead, though you simply stare at the contact, take a deep breath, and get ready for work.

-----------------three weeks later--------------------

   "Oh, come on (y/n), it'll be fun! Please? You always turn down my party invites but I promise this one won't be too over the top. It's not even at a frat house or anything!" You try not to glare in Sam's direction as you put away the last of the books received in this morning. You aren't exactly a party person. You're the mom friend, that's your role and while you don't readily admit it it's the truth. You're the friend that at parties always inevitably gets stuck trying to corral your pathetic, drunk, and often times sick friends back home. Which is why you don't do parties. That and they make you slightly claustrophobic. It's not that you hate people, you just prefer more conversationally stimulating environments than a party has to offer. Also, you hate the smell of shitty beer and body odor, which is the main fragrance of all college parties. And random creepy drunk dudes who smell like said hated fragrance mixed with cheap body spray trying to get into your pants? Yeah, that's a big no for you.

   "Sam, I don't know. I mean, you know how I feel about parties. Listen, I love you. And I love hanging out with you. But I've seen you drunk, and it ain't pretty. Besides, I still have that paper I need to finish for my Lit class." You try to avoid her potent puppy eyes as you walk behind the counter to slap price stickers on the rest of the books.

   "Listen, if you don't wanna go that's fine. But like, when's the last time you got some? It's been months since you broke up with Aaron, and from the sounds of it he didn't know how to find a clit so do yourself a favor and just come with me for a little bit? If there are no guys there that spark your interest ditch me. But don't use the paper as an excuse to stay in your fortress for another lame Saturday. It's not even due for another week and you're already in editing phase. We literally had that conversation half an hour ago." You make the mistake of glancing over at Sam. She's giving you more than just puppy eyes, she's even giving you a full quivering bottom lip. Ugh, why do you have to be such a sucker for her?

   "Fine. Fine, I'll go." You hold up your hand as she starts squealing, "But I make no promises on staying for very long."

------------------------

   Two hours later and you're nursing a warm Smirnoff ice in the corner. Not surprisingly thirty minutes ago almost immediately after entering the party, Samantha ditched you for a guy who looks like he does keg stands professionally. You swear she has the worst taste in men. The obnoxious little voice in the back of your head cackles at the sentiment, reminding you that at least Sam isn't pining after a guy who just so happens to be her best friend's brother that she knows next to nothing about other than he has a mountain of baggage and most certainly isn't interested. You take a swig of the warm, sweet drink in spite until your eyes lock onto the man standing in front of you. You're pretty sure you have a class with him, what was his name again?

   "Jimin." Shit, can he read minds? "Sorry, didn't mean to freak you out you just looked like you were trying to place my name. We share that intro to lit class."

   "Ah, yeah sorry about that I'm-"

   "(Y/N), yeah I know. You're kind of hard to forget."

   "Oh." You'll admit, Jimin is very cute. But cute is really the key word for him, and try as you might to summon an urge to jump his bones you just don't feel anything. There's no spark there, no lust to drag him into the nearest bed and explore all he has to offer. Too bad getting over a one-sided crush isn't that simple.

   Jimin is about to say something, but he's soon tackled by someone behind him. "Dude, it took me forever to find you. Yoongi's refusing to play beer pong on my team. Please, help me?" Jimin narrows his eyes on the other guy before swiveling back to you, his lips jutting out into a formidable puppy pout that your sure would make most women swoon.

   "Do you wanna come with? You looked a little bored." You should say no, you should just crawl back into the comforting confines that is your bed and pray to whatever deity to allow you to go back to a normal life where you didn't know a demigod walked the campus but no instead you fall prey to the puppy pout. Again damnit. (Y/N): 0, puppy eyes: 2.  

   "Sure." Jimin looks triumphant as he grabs your hand and weaves through the throngs of people until you arrive at the back porch where things seem to be much more comfortably quiet. Until you lock eyes with the earlier mentioned demigod himself.

   "(Y/N)?" Hoseok stares at you in disbelief for a moment in front of the beer pong table, before smiling. Oh god, that smile. You swear you can feel your heart trying to escape from you again, you can hear corny Disney music playing in the background, an angel halo placed above his head as a random backlight makes his tan glow nearly gold until you blink away the momentary insanity. You wish you could blame all of that on alcohol, but you haven't had nearly enough liquid courage to induce that montage.

   "Uh, hey." Fuck, why did you have to say uh? Jimin is staring at the interaction and oh god, he knows. He fucking knows. And you can't kill him, not here. Too many witnesses. Instead, you'll just have to pray for the world to open up and swallow you whole. Or a zombie to come over and take you first in the zombie apocalypse. Jimin, thank the sweet heavens, doesn't say anything. He just looks at the two of you a moment before winking at you and taking his place across from Hoseok.

   "You ready to go down, Hobi?" The other boy looks eager to start, he's stretching his wrists while glaring at the other team.

   You cast a glance behind you and take a seat at an empty bench to watch it all unfold. The boy that roped Jimin into all of this is Taehyung, and the one on Hoseok's team is Namjoon. Yoongi, the one who refused to play, at some point ambled over to you and offered a cigarette before beginning to loudly tell you why everyone playing sucks each time they miss. You're assuming based off of the shit eating grin on his face that he's doing it solely to mess everyone up, and it works on just about everyone. Except for Hoseok, who seems completely unaffected.

   It doesn't take long before everything is over and Jimin and Taehyung are forced to chug the remaining drinks. You polish off the last of your sugary alcoholic drink and start looking for the nearest escape before Hoseok is ambling over towards you.

   "Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Is Sam here?" You nod quietly before slowly adding.

   "I wouldn't...uh...go looking for her though." Hoseok sighs and nods before sitting next to you on the bench.

   "You don't seem like much of a party person."

   "I'm really not. But it's nice out here, it's quiet." You glance over to see Jimin giving a now very drunk Yoongi a ride on his back. "Your friends are interesting."

   Hoseok snorts. "They're idiots, but loveable."

   "Did you get that room situation at the cafe all figured out?"

   "Yup, got all my stuff moved in and everything. Thanks for not telling Sam by the way. I've been talking to her you know."

   "I know, she's been over the moon about it. Oh, you know your mom is coming over next week?"

   "How do you know this and I don't?" Hoseok sighs but adds a quiet thanks.

   "Oh, uh, sorry. But, I know that they're planning on doing dinner again. I think we're going to Olive Garden, which means plenty of breadsticks to swipe."

   "We're?"

   "I was invited." Hoseok chuckles at this before shaking his head.

   "I think I should be offended that I've been replaced."

   "You haven't been replaced by me. I'm telling you all this so you can make sure to talk to your mom if you want to go. Or avoid it like the plague, it's your choice."

   "Thank you. I suppose I've done enough avoiding though, I'll try texting her." At this point an awkward silence begins to fall and before you start babbling you decide to finally make your exit.

   "Well, I should probably get going. I'll see you around." Hoseok jumps up, shaking his head.

   "I'll walk you home." He holds up his hand as you start to protest. "I need to get going anyways and you're on the way. Besides, it'll give me a great excuse to get out of here before they try to wrangle me into another round."

   You nod and start to walk forward before you call out behind you, "I'll see you in class tomorrow, Jimin!" Jimin sends a bright smile to you and waves, sending another all too knowing wink before Yoongi accidentally (at least you hope it's accidentally) starts strangling him.

   You weave your way to the back gate with Hoseok in close proximity as you start quietly making your way to your dorm. There's a lot that you want to say, but you aren't sure really what you should say. After all telling him that he's breathtakingly handsome probably won't end well. You mean, it might, but probably just for a night and for once you're not really interested in catch and release.

   "So...you never texted me."

   "Well...I haven't exactly had a need to." Oh god, you sound so harsh. "I mean, I didn't really want to bother you unless I really needed help or something. I figure you're pretty busy."

   You glance over at Hoseok to see him...smiling? He's actually smiling? "Well, it doesn't have to be an emergency or anything. Text me, whenever you want. I mean it (y/n). I appreciate all the help you've given me, so even if you just need someone to like vent to or something I'm here for you." God, he isn't helping matters. Why can't he be an asshole that you could just hatefuck and get everything out of your system? "Looks like we're here. Have a good night (y/n). It was nice seeing you again."

   "Um, you too Hoseok!" You turn away quickly and dash into the dorm. Never have you been more grateful for your tiny dorm room and not having a dormmate before as you squeal into your pillow before flipping onto your back and staring at your phone.

   It feels like ages before you finally type out on the too bright screen, "Did you make it home okay?"

   You get a response just a moment later.

[Hoseok]: Yes mom

   You groan before staring at the typing bubble pop up and disappear repeatedly. God, what is he typing? Why won't he just fucking say it? Does he hate you? Did he not really mean it when he said to text him whenever? Do you look clingy? CURSE THOSE THREE PERIODS! Oh god. You heaved a sigh of relief when you finally see the text appear.

[Hoseok]: Just kidding, it was nice seeing you again btw

[you]: How have things been going for you btw?

[Hoseok]: Better, I took your advice. I'm doing better in my classes, I've been talking to Sam more. Things are starting to actually look up.

[you]: That's great! I'm glad things are doing better!

[Hoseok]: How about you though? Any dudes I should beat up?

   Have you just been banished to the sister realm? You're pretty sure you have been.

[You]: No I'm pretty boring. Just trying to finish all of my papers.

[Hoseok]: what's your major?

[You]: Creative writing, made the mistake of taking ten classes this semester, and most of them are morning lectures.

[Hoseok]: Are you a superhuman? Like, how???

[You]: I've given up on free time

[Hoseok]: You sound like you need a break

[you]: When I space out too long I can actually hear my grades falling

[Hoseok]: ah, the woes of college. I'm glad I don't have to do many papers for dance

[you]: Yeah, but you still have to practice and perform and honestly I'd rather have someone shoot me in my face than have to perform in front of people

[Hoseok]: Wow, those are some intense feelings you have there

[you]: Most sane humans don't enjoy being in front of others like that. I don't know how you do it.

[Hoseok]: you get used to it. I promise. Hey, I have a performance upcoming that you might really like. It's in a month

[you]: Oh yeah! Sam told me about that, she already got us tickets

[Hoseok]:...she could have just asked me for them? I can't believe she actually paid for them

[you]: I think she was trying to surprise you. Please don't tell her I told you

[Hoseok]: It'll be our secret. Again. We seem to hold a lot of secrets, huh?

[you]: I blame you.

   After that the two of you send a few memes back and forth before you finally fall asleep, your dream being an odd montage of Hoseok dancing and kissing you in the rain until Sam starts screaming at you. Luckily the Sam screaming at you part seems to do more with her poorly timed wake up call.

   "WAKE UP ALREADY!" Sam unceremoniously rips your blankets off of you as you blearily open your eyes. "Christ, I swear you could sleep through anything. Wanna go get coffee? I have so much to tell you."

   You grunt in response before slowly changing and trudging behind Samantha as she heads over to your car. Luckily she doesn't even protest when you toss her the keys and try to squeeze in a few more minutes of sweet sleep before you pull up to Hoseok's coffee shop. God, why now? Why couldn't you have spruced up a bit more? Worn something other than a ratty t-shirt and leggings to see him again? And your face still has pillow marks, god this is horrible. You take a deep breath and follow behind Sam, praying she hasn't noticed your delay.

   The world must truly hate you because the moment you walk in you see Hoseok behind the counter smiling over at the two of you. "Hey sis, you won't be screaming at me this time, right?"

   "Unfortunately today I've decided to be civilized. Also, I came for free coffee." Hoseok snorts before nodding for her to continue. "Um, two flat whites. Also whatever muffins you recommend."

   "Got it, I'll be over to you guys in a bit." You try shrinking away as quietly as possible to the couch that Sam flops down on.

   "Listen, so I was going to go you know hang out with Bobby last night,"

   "Ew, his name even sucks."

   "Shut up! Anyway, as I was saying, I was going to but then all of a sudden that girl Heather the cheerleader all the guys are goo goo eyed for? Well, she came out of nowhere and started screaming at Bobby for knocking her up! Swear to god, I felt like I was living an episode of the Maury show." Samantha goes into more detail and you can feel your eyes glazing over. You actually have no clue who this Heather is, and you honestly don't care. You feel bad that Sam got stuck in the middle of it all, but this kind of drama has always been uninteresting to you. You're not sure if you should shriek that Hoseok has to once again witness you in this state or thank the gods that Sam finally seems to be finished telling the tale at the sight of her brother.

   "Hey, Hobi, wait! Before you go I've been meaning to tell you that Mom asked me to invite you to go to dinner with us next Friday. Do you think you can make it?"

   "I'll see what I can do. What time?"

   "Around six I think? At Olive Garden, which means all the breadsticks we can steal for later!" Hoseok winks at you as Sam occupies herself with her blueberry muffin for a minute.

   "Got it, I'll be there." You try your best to not get caught watching him walk away. God, even his ass looks great. How do some people get all the good genes while you're sitting here looking like an unwashed potato?

--------------------1 week later---------------

   You're munching on a breadstick, listening to soon to no longer be Mrs. Jung go on and on about how proud she is of Sam as your eyes narrow in on Hoseok sauntering over. No man should look that good in just a white T-shirt and jeans, and you're having a hard time not staring. Over the last week, the two of you have texted nearly nonstop. He's sweet and funny, and he has an arsenal of really good memes that he sends you at the most unexpected of times. It's just not fair. You can't have it all. You can't look that good AND have such a killer sense of humor and be witty and intelligent.

   Sam keeps pestering you asking who you could possibly be texting, and at one point you blurted out Jimin. Which isn't entirely a lie. The two of you have actually hung out a few times this last week, and he is convinced that he needs to be a wingman for you and Hoseok so you're pretty sure he'd have no problem covering for you. Apparently, you need to work on your poker face better if Jimin caught on so quickly. You hate that you've lied to your best friend, but at the same time you're not sure how to spill the beans that you have a thing for her older brother who she's incredibly protective over. Someday either you'll get over it or you'll finally buck up and tell her. Today, however, is not that day.

   "Hobi, my baby!" Mrs. Jung jumps up at the sight of her son and wraps him into a tight embrace before reluctantly pulling away so he can have a seat. After quietly wiping away a stray tear her eyes laser in on the tattoos. "When...did you get all of those?"

   "Uh, about a year ago I guess." His eyes cast down at the table, guilt clearly washing over his features at not having seen his family in so long. "You know mom, I uh, I have a dance performance upcoming and I have a solo part. I'd really like it if you could come."

   Her eyes finally look away from the tattoos and back up to his face before she nods. "Of course, of course, I'll come. You know, I always did think you were a great dancer it was your father who-"

   "Mom, mom it's okay. We know. Let's just enjoy tonight." Sam interjects and you find yourself awkwardly cramming a breadstick into your mouth as you try to astral project out of this family conversation you're intruding on. Hoseok glances between the three women around the table before cracking up loudly at the sight of your cheeks stuffed to full bread capacity.

   "Oh, Hoseok I guess I've never properly introduced you to (y/n). (Y/N), don't let his looks fool you. He's super lame. He once failed a test because he was up all night playing pokemon go and he's super loud which is totally not cool."

   "Sam! Be nice to your brother!" Hoseok laughs as he waves off his mother's warning.

   "Well, at least I don't still sleep with Mr. Porky your childhood stuffed pig."

   "YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!"

   Your eyes dart between the siblings as they quarrel with one another. Siblings look like fun, and there's something so heartwarming about the way how they interact even when fighting. Okay, well maybe not that time that Sam ripped him a new one at his job, but this time it looks fun. It's also nice to see Hoseok so relaxed and happy, so comfortable and not like the world is going to fall apart or with a bunch of thorns sticking out of his hair.

   The rest of the night you try not to glance over at Hoseok too much. It's hard to keep up the conversations and not include him, but you realized rather quickly that speaking to him too much cause your cheeks to burst a flaming red and words to come out slightly wobbly. It's so easy to text him, but in person (especially while trying to keep your friendship as a secret) it's like fighting a boss battle. By the time you get back home you're exhausted, utterly wiped out from trying to keep yourself sane.

-----------

   A month later and you're sitting next to Sam as the performance finishes up. You've never seen modern dance before, but you can guarantee it won't be the last time. The way he moved, the raw emotions that each movement gave it was like watching a silent movie but knowing all the dialogue. It's also at this moment that you realize you don't like Hoseok. You don't have a crush on Hoseok. No, you love him. You love his quirky sense of humor, you love the darker brooding side of him, you love the way his eyes turn into little crescents as his cheeks press up when he smiles, you love the way he's so effortlessly him. Perhaps you fell in love the moment you started texting him, the moment you started unraveling this. But this is dangerous and unfair to your best friend and to Hoseok who most likely sees you as only a friend. So before the very end of the show, you fake a stomach ache and head home, you're in far too much of a mess at this stunningly obvious realization to see Hoseok face to face with his family around.

   The guilt that already felt heavy to begin with now feels like a boulder on your shoulders when you get a text from Sam followed by one from Hoseok shortly after, both of them concerned how you're feeling. While at first, you wanted to save your integrity instead you just say, "I ate too much ice cream and didn't take a Lactaid." There, embarrassing but believable and certainly easier to admit than "I'm head over heels in love with Hoseok and I've been secretly texting him." It's at this point that you do something even dumber, you text your secret ally Jimin.

[You]: I have a problem

[Jimin]: ?

[You]: I'm in love with him. Please shoot me.

[Jimin]: No thanks, I don't handle blood well. But you just noticed this? How are you slow on the uptake about your own emotions?

[You]: Ouch, could you try to comfort me. I don't know what the fuck to do

[Jimin]: Put your big girl pants on and tell him

[You]: Fuck no. Are you crazy? My best friend, his fucking sister, doesn't even know we talk

[Jimin]: Yeah I know. Just tell her.

[You]: Life isn't that simple assface

[Jimin]: I'll take that as a compliment, I have a great ass. Also it is that simple. I assure you. It only doesn't seem that simple because you're afraid. Don't be. I know Hobi and...just trust me if his sister is anything like him tell her and trust me when I say just be honest. What's the worst that can happen?

[You]: I'm not ready to hear no, I think I might die from heartbreak

[Jimin]: Ohmygod you are so freaking dramatic. Tell them bitch or I will!

[You]: You fucking wouldn't

[Jimin]: Well someone has to...

   It's at this point that you throw your phone at the wall out of frustration at the same time as a few knocks are heard on your door. Fear seizes you at the thought that it might be Sam or Hobi. Fuck. Fuck. Oh god, you really screwed yourself over. "Open up loser, I know you're in there."

   For someone so cute and tiny with such a quiet voice you've learned that Jimin certainly has a snarky side to him which you've clearly awakened if his tone through the door is anything to go by. "Don't wanna. Let me die in peace."

   "I will kick the door down in five four three" You begrudgingly open the door for him before shutting it and shuffling back under the blankets.

   "What are you doing over here Jimin?"

   "Trying to talk some sense into you. Besides, emotional support is better in person. So, I saw you at the show tonight. Snuck out early huh? I left as soon as I got changed to stop you from blubbering alone."

   "Got changed? You were there?" You don't remember seeing Jimin in the crowd, although you were rather focused on the show.

   "Ouch, I'm one of the dancers remember? How cruel and heartless." Jimin fakes a sob before he socks a punch on your shoulder and wraps you up in his arms. "Seriously though, I know it's scary but just tell them already. Look at you, you can't keep this a secret much longer. It's like ripping a bandaid off, you need to let it happen."

   You try to weigh everything out, and you spend the next hour formulating a plan with Jimin. He's right, you do need to tell them. And while Jimin thinks you should tell Hobi first and get it over with, your allegiance to your friend holds more importance to you. Instead, you decide in the morning you'll talk to her first and then you'll try to talk to Hoseok. It might ruin the friendship that you've built, but it's no use pining after him from a distance. As much as you hate to admit it, Jimin is right. It's time to finally come clean after months of this.

-------------

   It was now or never. It was d-day, game time, time for the world to possibly collapse and have your best friend punch you in your throat. You're nervously clutching at the hem of your hoodie as she blabbers on about dinner with her mom and her brother, and you can feel yourself almost bursting. You have to tell her, and soon.

   "Ugh, I feel so bad that you had to miss dinner though. We went to this little Mexican place and they had this flan that you would have loved. I would have saved you some but one I have no self-control, let's be real, and two you would've just forgotten to take a Lactaid and gotten sicker."

   "Sam," You take a wobbly breath and interject her thousand words a minute rambling. She looks up from her phone and rolls over on your bed, an eyebrow cocked at the serious tone in your voice. "Sam, I uh, I have something to tell you..."

   "What, you're fucking Jimin? Yeah, I figured that one out already. So what, are you guys dating or just-"

   "What? NO? Oh my god, no why would you-"

   "-Well, why wouldn't I? When I was talking to Hobi about it last night even he agreed that you guys must be dating. Especially when he took off so fast after the show suspiciously around the time that you left. You don't have to lie about."

   "Oh. Oh god, oh no. Hobi doesn't really think that, does he? Fuck. Okay, Sam, Jimin was right I need to be honest. I'm not fucking Jimin, nor have I ever-"

   "That's a shame, he has a great ass."

   "Yeah, sure, back to the point." You can feel a cold sweat start to take over as you gulp in air, "I'minlovewithyourbrother." You say the words as fast as possible, eyes squeezed shut as you brace for impact.

   "What? You're...howzthatevenpossible? Since like when? And...love...not like...girl I am so confused." You slowly open your eyes, one at a time to see a very lost look on her face.

   "Okay so it's like this...I've met Hoseok before the incident at the coffee shop. Way before. Only once though. He passed out on campus and I helped him out. We didn't talk. But then at that party where you ditched me for Mr. Keg stands-"

   "-His name is Bobby, and I told you we didn't have sex he-"

   "-Knocked up the cheerleader, yeah I know. Anyways, we ran into each other at the party and we got to talking and then we started texting and I know he sees me as just a friend or maybe just a friend of his sister...but...I really like him. Like him like him, like love like." Great, now you're incoherent. Sam is dumbfounded, and for once she isn't talking. After a moment of awkward silence, she clears her throat.

   "You do realize he's a dork? Like a giant dork? And that he freaking lives in a coffee shop? And that he has a lot of baggage? And that honestly, as your friend I should warn you, probably has gotten an STD at some point in his life? Like...you're way too good for my dipshit older brother. I love him, but like honestly. Him?" Well, this wasn't the direction you expected at all. "I get that some girls think he's cute and all, but you've never had to do his laundry. It's gross. He smells like gross boy."

   "He smells like citrus and pine needle most of the time, you can't blame him for sweating when he dances."

   "Did...did you just defend his body odor? And how the fuck do you know that he smells like citrus and pine needle? What, are you some kind of scent expert? You know what, no please don't answer that. I don't want to know." Sam shakes her head before clasping your hand. "Listen, I'm not here to police who you date or who my brother dates. I'll support you. Or console you." Gee thanks for the vote of confidence. "But I think I might have fucked everything up. You should talk to him soon."

   "Well yeah, you did kind of make him think I was fucking Jimin. How bad was it?"

   Sam tilts her head, eyes narrowing as she recalls the memory. "Well...he was pretty surprised, but then he put on his typical 'nice guy' smile and said that you guys made a good pair and he could see it."

   You groan in frustration as you grab your phone, getting ready to send him a text before Sam slaps it out of your hold.

   "No, nope, you're not texting him this. Listen, there's a party tonight that I know he'll be going to after he finishes up work. You're going. That'll be the best way to talk to him." God, not another party. This isn't at all how you wanted to admit your stupid feelings. Damn emotions, you swear they're like dandelions growing in the least expected places. But the look on Sam's face says she's not going to take no for an answer. But she's right, if he's working right now the best time to get a hold of him today will be at that party.

   You take a deep breath in and nod resolutely. Just because she's right doesn't mean that you have to like it and you still stand by your hatred for parties. At least this time you have a reason. As long as you can find Hoseok. "What if I can't find him?"

   "I'll text him, dummy. I've got your back."

   "More like you'll have the popcorn to watch this all unfold."

   "Well, yeah that too. But I mean, I'm rooting for you." You pick up a pillow and hurl it at her face before groaning as you flop over her on the bed.

   "What time is the party?"

   "Well it starts at 9, and it's five now. So if I were you I would start getting ready now."

   "Now? What for?" Uh oh, you know that face.

-------------------

   There are few things in life that Samantha Jung loves more than giving people makeovers. You've been thoroughly groomed and primped to perfection and it somehow took the full four hours. Your skin is glowing in a way you didn't realize it could but after enough exfoliating, a clay mask, a sheet mask, and a hydropack later it's sparkling in a way that shouts "I drink tons of water and eat my weight in kale!" Not that you do, you probably should though. You're highlighted and contoured to perfection, and while Sam is clearly proud you have zero problems with admitting that it will never look this way again. She did at least let you wear your own comfortable choice of jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers.  

   "He's in the backyard, playing beer pong again." Jimin appears by your side the moment the two of you walk in, answering the golden question before you can even think it.

   "Jesus, you scared the shit out of me Jimin." Jimin snickers as he hands both of you drinks.

   "Sorry about that princess. Well, what are you waiting for? Go show your very dewy face off to him."

   "Oh god do I look like an oil slick?" Sam hits him as you pull out your phone and check in the camera.

   "No no no, you look great." Jimin is trying to stop the blows Samantha is hurling his way as you sigh and glance around the party. You don't know most of these people. Apparently it's mostly music and dance students celebrating that they've finished all of their showcases. You can feel dread fill you with each step closer to the door as you move past the crowd. It feels like ages before you're finally standing in front of the door. You take a swig of the Kool-Aid and bottom-shelf vodka concoction before finally stepping out.

   If you weren't oily before you know that you will be soon. It's humid, sticky, and sweltering even after the sun has gone down. You can see the fireflies already coming out, cicadas can be heard buzzing in the distance, and you're sure mosquitos are actively hunting. If it weren't for your eyes landing right on Hoseok you would've walked right back into the comfortable air conditioning. Why anyone would want to play beer pong outside in this weather is beyond you.

   You take a deep breath before promptly taking a seat next to Yoongi. You'd like to lie and say you walked right up to Hoseok, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and kissed him...but that's not asking for consent for one, and you also would probably fall flat on your face if you tried. Yoongi nods your way before offering his cigarette, you shake your head in a silent response before taking another swig of your drink.

   "Hey Yoongi, who's the new friend?" A man you don't recognize stops playing beer pong momentarily and you try hard to not sweat as you feel Hoseok's gaze land on you.

   "(Y/N), what are you doing here? Oh! Jimin just walked into the house if you're looking for him." You try not to laugh too pitifully as you wave your hand as if to shoo the thought away.

   "No, no. I know where he is." You're so sorry Sam, but it's your turn to throw her under the bus. "In fact, I'm pretty sure he's still with Sam. She had some sort of uh...misunderstanding that I think she's rather eager to sort out." You look up from the dandelion you've been concentrating on when you hear his sing-song laughter and you feel like you've been sucker punched in the gut. His hair is slicked back for once, cheeks glowing a pretty shade of pink under the patio light, sweat trailing down his temple onto his collar bones and all of his tattoos on full display in his tank top. Lord give you strength to not die from thirst on the spot.

   "Sam has a bad habit of jumping to conclusions."

   "Hey, are we going to play or what?" The guy you don't know throws an empty cup at the back of Hoseok's head as he speaks. Hoseok rolls his eyes before sending you a wink and turning back to the broad-shouldered stranger.

   "Yeah yeah Jin. Ready to get your ass kicked again?"

   There are a few things you learn in the next few minutes. Hoseok is really good at beer pong, you figured that last time but considering that the defeat only took a total of three minutes it's much more obvious now. You've also learned that Jin sucks and that Yoongi loves nothing more than to pick on him each time he misses. Which is every time.

   "Aish, that's it. I'm done. I quit." Jin groans after chugging back the last cup before he ambles over to another group further in the backyard. Yoongi coughs before winking at you and heading over with Jin, leaving you and Hoseok alone. Bless that tiny angry man for being the best unexpected wingman. Hoseok glances around for a minute before sitting down next to you.

   "You were really good by the way. The show I mean, the beer pong too though. I had no clue someone could dance like that. You chose the right pursuit in life, I'm sure of it."

   Hoseok laughs as he takes a swig of beer. "Thanks, I appreciate that. It's a shame you had all that ice cream. Lactose intolerant huh? I've been fucking you up with all those free coffees and I didn't even know it." You can feel your cheeks burning bright red as you jump to your feet. The sudden movement causes Hoseok to jerk back as you point your finger at his chest.

   "For your information that was a lie, although I would appreciate if you used almond milk in the future. But that's beside the point! I was completely fine, just a scaredy cat. So here goes nothing, Jung Hoseok I'd like to take you out on a date!" You can feel the blush travel from your cheeks up to your ears but force yourself to look at Hoseok. He's smiling, ear to ear with cheeks pushing his eyes into those cute little crescents you love to see.

   "Okay. Let's go."

   "What?"

   "You said you want to take me out on a date. I'm saying yes, let's go. Come on, what are you waiting for?" Your mind goes blank as he stands up and clasps your hand in his. It's so warm (kind of sweaty if you're honest, but hey, so is yours) and so perfect. Your brain freezes, your mental record scratches as you follow him through the house and out to the front lawn. (Excuse me, this is your friendly narrator, I'd like to interrupt for just a moment. This story could have been much shorter if you didn't overthink everything so much. Believe in yourself more! Okay, that's enough interruptions. I'll get back to the story now.)

   "Wait, wait, Hoseok where are we going?" Hoseok gives you a bright smile as he looks down at you.

   "There's a diner a block away from here. You didn't bring your car did you?" You shake your head no as you follow him. "They do really good pancakes. Breakfast for dinner is the best." At the sound of you suddenly going mute Hoseok looks back down as he squeezes your hand reassuringly. "So why'd you ask me out?"

   "Why wouldn't I? You're hot for one, but you're also really funny and sweet and relatable, and honestly, it's impossible to not fall for you. You have this bright sunny smile, but under all these layers is this really sweet but vulnerable man that I..." Hoseok stops walking for a moment, his face turned away as if to hide the blush creeping up his face. You take a deep breath before asking, "...why...why did you accept?"

   "Why wouldn't I?" You laugh at the way he imitates you before he starts walking again. "You're beautiful, and you've saved my ass twice because you're either insane or insanely nice, you're funny, smart, and the moment we started talking my life turned around. Honestly, yesterday I wanted to punch Jimin in the throat but then I realized it was my fault for not beating him to the punch. I would've asked you out if you hadn't, you know. Ah, we're here." Hobi leads you into the diner and slides into a booth as you slide into the other side. You stare down at the shiny black lacquered table for a moment before peeking up to look up at Hoseok.

   He's peering intently at the laminated menu. You've never noticed before but he has beautiful, long fingers with well-groomed cuticles. "Do you get manicures?"

   "No, but Sam recently had one of her makeover moments with me and decides that my nails had to have some work done on them."

   "She did a good job, they look nice." Hoseok glances up and smiles at you before sliding another menu to you. You take it and stare down for a moment before a waitress comes up to your table.

   "What can I get you guys?"

   "Oh, uh I'll just get a water and a small stack of pancakes."

   "A sprite and the stackhouse, eggs over easy." The waitress nods as she scribbles it down before walking away. Hoseok fiddles with a napkin for a moment before piping up. "Okay, so really important question here, what are your top songs right now?"

   "What genre?"

   "Rap?" He looks hopeful and you pull up your phone.

   "Well, always J Cole and Kendrick, but let's see...songs...hmm. Recently I've been listening to Justin Bieber by Coogie a lot, Uzuhan by Uzuhan, Pink Blue Dawn by Dumbfoundead. Honestly, I've been listening to more R&B lately. Lots of Sabrina Claudio, Sinead Harnett, and Steve Lacey."

   "Holy sweet Jesus, mary me."

   "Were you praying to Jesus and his mother or asking for my hand in marriage?"

   "A bit of both."

   "Oh well Kevin in first grade and I got married by the swingset after he gave me a ring pop so I think I'll have to get those divorce papers first. Sorry. My turn for questions. In a dream world, what would you be doing?"

   "Well marrying you because Kevin never gave you that ring pop obviously, and I'd be working as an established choreographer with my own studio."

   "You'll get there. I'm sure of it."

   "Such confidence. What about you? What would you be doing?"

   You want to say 'you' to him but you would definitely die from embarrassment. You can see the shitty epitaph now just thinking about it. "Well, I guess I'd be an established author on a much-needed vacation on a beautiful island basking in the warm sun without a worry because I've dug myself out of student loan debt."

   "Ooh, that sounds nice. I'm thinking Hawaii, ooh or maybe Jeju, you know it's the Hawaii of Korea?"

   At that moment the food comes out and the two of you spend the next hour or so discussing random topics until finally, you get up to leave after not so subtle hints from the waitress that you've overstayed your welcome. The two of you choose to walk back to your dorm rather than wait for an uber. It's only a few blocks away and it gives both of you more time to just bask in each other's presence. You never guessed that he would say yes to a date, or that it would feel so natural. All this time you've been able to hide away with text messages, making it easier to be unguarded the way face to face conversations typically make you a nervous ball of anxiety. But with Hobi? It all just feels so right, so easy as if it was supposed to be this way all along.

   You can feel your heart sink though with each step closer to the dorm, and you're pretty sure that Hoseok feels the same way based off of how he slows down. By the time you're standing in front of the building, you're suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to not let the night end, afraid that you'll wake up tomorrow and the fairytale spell that's been magically cast will vanish.

   His hand is still tightly gripped around yours, the moon and dim security lights casting a silvery glow over his skin. Cicadas are still buzzing, fireflies glowing in the distance as if to remind you that the night isn't over yet. You glance up at Hobi and notice that it looks like he's trying to say something but no sound is coming out. His lips are slightly open, brows furrowed together. God, his lips look so soft and perfect and pillowy. Before you can even think you're standing up on your tiptoes and weaving your free hand into his hair as you softly plant a kiss on his lips.  

   What starts out as a soft and unsure peck quickly escalates as he grips your hip and deepens the kiss. He tastes like syrup and sprite and everything right. You can feel yourself growing dizzy, hungry for more as his tongue parts your lips. You always assumed he'd be a good kisser, if you're honest you've fantasized about it far more than you'd ever willingly admit, but he's even better than you could have guessed. A soft breathy moan leaves your mouth as he brings your bodies closer together and the guttural groan that leaves him as he finally separates and the two of you try to breathe has you reconfirming that you really don't want this night to end.

   "I, wow that was..." Hobi's eyes are glittering, the world cast in a haze of twinkling euphoria as you look back up at him.

   "Hobi, would you like to come up with me?" You're suddenly regretting your sudden boldness at the way he stops moving for a minute. Perhaps you're moving too fast, maybe he thinks you're a floozy or something and you've ruined it. Your overthinking goes into overdrive before his hand cups your chin and forces you to look back up at him.

   "I would love to, but if I go up there I...listen I really want you. So if you just want to hang out I need you to give me a second so I can calm down." At that, you peek down to realize that he's clearly grown excited, and you can feel a surge of need trickle down your panties.

   "I...I don't want to just hang out. I want you."

   "Ah, fuck. Are you sure?" You nod your head before reaching back up and placing a firm kiss on his lips. The green light seems to go off in his head at this, his hands gripping you tightly to him as tongues melt together before he pries away and you quickly lead him up. Unfortunately, the elevator has been broken for almost the entire year so you have to make the trip by jumping up the stairs, fever clawing at you the closer you get.

   By the time you're finally in your room you can feel sexual tension hanging thickly in the air. The moment you shut the door he hooks your legs around his waist and presses you against the wall, mouth quick to find yours again. Your hips jut against his, desperate for friction at this point and the groan of pleasure that leaves him has you clawing away at his shirt. You knew that he had a great figure, you've seen it before at the recital but to see it so close in person is another story. Your hands etch over his firm abs, dipping down to that oh so drool worthy V as you unbuckle his pants while his lips attach to your neck.

   "I don't think you understand how long I've wanted you." Hobi stops his ministrations as he speaks, eyes boring into yours before he moves you off the wall and onto your bed. You watch as he shuffles out of his shoes and pants before crawling back over you. In a matter of moments, the two of you are both in just your underwear, his eyes trained on the obvious wet patch of your pink underwear. "You look so beautiful, so perfect."

   The feeling of his soft fingers trailing over your body raises goosebumps, your eyes shutting at the sensation as one hand trails from your calf up to your inner thigh. "Look at you, so wet for me. All for me, all mine." His words have you whimpering, your hand gripping his.

   "Please touch me, I need you. Please, Hobi." His eyes squeeze shut for a moment as he grips at your thighs, shuffling until his face is just millimeters from where you need it.

   "How can I say no to that face?" Finally, he's tearing off your underwear. For a moment you're afraid that he's just going to stay there forever, face hovering over before finally he dips down. You're so wound up that even just the lightest pressure when he lays his tongue down and licks one long stripe has both of you groaning in satisfaction. "Fuck, how do you taste so good?"

   "Please stop talking and just help me. I need you. I need you so bad." You weave your hands through his hair, trying to move him closer to where you need him most. Hoseok shoots you a smirk before relenting, finally diving in like a man starved. His tongue is everywhere all at once, diving between your folds one second before reaching back up to swirl around your swollen clit. Your hands grip tighter into his hair as your hips roll on reflex at the sensation. If the rumors are true and Hoseok really has fucked half the campus at some point then you must admit that the studying has been worth it. If the rumors aren't true then he's either a sex god or a prodigy because holy shit you've never felt yourself come so unglued just from oral sex before.

   His hands grip your asscheeks to bring you closer as you mewl out his name, his own pleasure rumbling deep from his chest and vibrating through you. God, this is so much better than your own fantasies. "Fuck, fuck, you're so good. Don't stop, please don't stop. I'm going to cum." The tell-tale knot deep in your belly is on fire, legs quaking around his head as you throw your neck back. The feeling of two of his fingers gliding into you as he latches onto your clit is all you need to tumble head first into euphoria. Everything feels fuzzy as if cotton has been stuck in your ears and your muscles have become weightless. Floating. Flying. Breezing right into heaven.

   You don't even realize that you've been moaning the entire time, or that Hoseok has stopped moving to watch you as you fuck yourself onto his fingers slowly, coming back down to reality as the stars fade from your vision. "You're so beautiful, I could watch you all day." His voice is gruff with desire as he leans down and captures your lips in a wet, needy kiss. "I need you, I need you right now." His lips lead a sticky trail down to your chest as he finally pries the offending bra off and flings it off to the side of the bed with an ominous sounding crash that neither of you pay attention to. You're too absorbed in your own lustful world to notice anything else.

   As his teeth bear down onto your nipple your hand grasps his clothed erection. God, why is he still in boxers? The sudden attention being placed back on him has his eyes closing as a guttural rumble of pleasure leaves his throat. You try to pry his boxers off, but at the angle you're positioned in you can only manage to get it down half his ass. In lightning speed he's standing before you bare, his weeping cock bobbing proudly in the air. The sight has you drooling as you shuffle closer to see him. Veiny, thick, shining with precum. It looks delicious as he slowly fists it, eyes boring into yours the entire time.

   "Do you...have a condom?" Hoseok's voice breaks you out of your spell and you nod before reaching over to your nightstand and pulling one out. He quickly grabs the foil and you watch with keen interest as he rolls it on and tosses the foil into your small waste bin. "You're...you're sure about this right?"

   "Hobi, I've thought about fucking you more times than I can count. Please, fuck me already." His adam's apple bobs at the admission and he pulls you up into a heated kiss before twisting you around and placing you on all fours. One hand pulls your ass apart as the other grips your hip for support. The feeling of him finally entering zaps you with electricity, each small movement as he sinks further into your dripping cunt has your eyes rolling back into your head.

   "Holy shit, how are you so tight?" You clench at his words, hips rolling back to urge him to move. "Keep doing that baby girl and I'm not going to last long." The pet name has you moaning, hands gripping the sheets tighter as he slowly pulls out and slams back in, balls slapping against your swollen clit. Hoseok sets into a steady pace, hips slamming into yours each time he hits your cervix. You feel so full, so utterly filled and the knowledge that it's Hoseok, finally him deep inside you has your head reeling and your second orgasm fast approaching.

   "Faster, I'm going to cum!" He grunts as he twists your hair around his hand, pulling you up so your back is flat on his chest as he drills into you at a brutal speed. The sound of moans, flesh on flesh, and wet sex fills the room.

   His mouth lowers to your ear as you start spiraling out of control, "come on, cum with me baby girl. Let go." For the second time you see blinding white, toes curling as his hand circles over your clit, walls clenching around him as you milk him to his own completion.

   The two of you remain there for a few moments, panting as you try to come back down to earth before you finally slump forward, his softening cock slipping out. When you turn around you see him grinning back down at you, pushing his hair out of the way as he flashes you that full crescent eye smile you love so much. He takes a moment to catch his breath before he ties up the condom and tosses it. He rolls onto the bed and pulls you into his arms before speaking.

   "You know, I can't remember the last time I was this happy? You're just so beautiful, and funny, and nice and I don't want you thinking that I was only in it for this. I...I know the rumors about me but I haven't been that guy in a long time. And I really want this..us...fuck do I sound super lame right now?"

   You place a soft peck on his cheek as you beam up at him. "No Hobi, you don't sound lame at all. I kinda figured on the rumor front, considering your ex and how serious that seemed. Besides, I don't care even if it was still true as long as you...only want me...now..." Your voice trails off towards the end, cheeks heating up as you look away before glancing back up at the sound of his loud laugh.

   "Trust me, you're the only thing that's been running through my mind for months now. I'm all yours."

   "All mine?" You watch him smile and nod before he leans down to place a gentle kiss on your forehead. The act feeling somehow so intimate. That night you fall asleep in his arms, trying to count all his tattoos as the two of you whisper about everything and nothing all at the same time. You were right, he's certainly the kind of guy that you can lay in bed with for hours after sex so that's exactly what the two of you do.

   One year later Hoseok graduates and the two of you are more in love than you thought possible. Two years later the two of you are living together as you try to finish up your degree. Three years later and you're working for a publisher while trying to establish yourself as an author as Hoseok finally opens up his own dance studio. Four years later Hoseok proposes to you in front of the slides at a park with a beautiful morganite ring, sneering a comment about 'take that Kevin' after you tearfully accept. Five years later and you're walking down the aisle as Sam bawls her eyes out as your maid of honor. There were ups and downs in the relationship (luckily usually between the sheets), but the two of you worked through everything. Somehow that crash landing all those years ago brought Hoseok into your life, and you wouldn't change how anything happened for the world.  

[bunteatime]

aramika coffee shop au pt. 1

ok so!! ive had this au in my head for like.. 5 months now and i luv it sm so i decided to turn it into a lil fic!! im still workin on tha story but i couldnt wait 2 post it so here is part 1..

(also!! apologies if this is written poorly!! its one of tha first times ive ever tried to like. seriously write)

Part 1: Arashi’s POV

Arashi took a step forward. She was standing right in front of a small cafe. It was located in the middle of the city so it was usually quite busy. However, she had arrived just before opening. She smiled and tightened her work apron. 

She wasn’t normally too fond of the idea of working but there was just something so romantic about working in a coffee shop. She had read so many books about two lovers meeting in a coffee shop and the thought of meeting the love of her life while at the cafe practically made her swoon. What if she met the love of her life today? What would they look like? Would they sweep her off her feet the second they saw her? More importantly, would she even realize who they were before it was too late?

Quite suddenly, she snapped out of her daze and look around. Focus, Arashi, she told herself confidently. She stepped inside the cafe and was instantly greeted with the smell of coffee beans and Leo waving at her.

 “Hey, Naru-chan!!” He said almost too excitedly considering how early it was. 

“Hello hello Leo!” she giggled and waved back. 

Just then, Izumi walked in while glaring at his phone. Arashi could’ve sworn she heard him make a little tch sound. 

“Oh, hi Izumi! What’s wrong?” She frowned. 

“Tsukasa won’t be coming in today. Apparently, he fell ill.” He huffed back. 

“Ah, well that’s alright. We still have the four of us!” She attempted to comfort him. Izumi could get worked up so easily, it seemed. 

“Three of us. Ritsu slept in again and knowing him he probably won’t show up until the end of the day.” 

Arashi sighed and looked at her phone. They only had about ten before the coffee shop opened. She would be extra busy today, considering there were only three people working that day. She wished that she could’ve been sick too, so she could just sit at home and paint her nails all day rather than spend it making coffee. She didn’t mind too much though; the pay was really good and with that, she could go out shopping this weekend. She got behind the counter and scrolled through Instagram to pass time. 

“Oh! Before I forget, Naru-chan, there’s gonna be this guy coming sometime around now with a bunch of pastries for the shop! I thought I’d be the one to accept them from him but Izumi-chan said he wanted to ‘talk finances’ with me so would you do it for me?” He smiled brightly at her. She seriously didn’t understand how he could be so peppy at 6 am on a Monday. 

“Of course, dear! Leave it to me.” She winked at him and smiled. 

Leo suddenly got really serious. “If I’m not back in an hour, just know that I died of boredom listening to Izumi talk about stupid adult things.” He said in a scared tone. 

Arashi giggled and pushed him towards the back. “Yes, yes, I’m sure you’ll be fine.” She responded. 

Leo went into the back and it was officially opening time. Looks like I’ll be all on my own this morning, she told herself with a sigh. She walked over to the front of the store and flipped the sign on the front door to the side that said “open” in a cursive font. On her way back to the counter, she straightened some of the chairs and unwrinkled the tablecloths. She was curious over the pastries Leo had mentioned. She assumed they were from a new store than they usually bought their pastries because the usual store wouldn’t send anyone to drop them off. 

The first twenty or so minutes after the opening of the store went well. She had about ten customers come in, all of which looked like college kids wanting to study before class. Just then, the door was opened rather loudly and a boy with shaggy greenish-black hair stumbled in. He was carrying a large box with him and seemed to be out of breath. Did he run all the way here? He was wearing a black sweater and jeans, despite it being the middle of summer. He came up to the front counter and set the box down. The moment he looked up at Arashi, she almost gasped. He had absolutely stunning eyes. One was a beautiful ocean blue while the other was golden. Arashi wondered what they called that. Heterochromia? Was that right? She’d have to look it up later. His eyes were so captivating that she felt like she couldn’t look away.

“Uhm, hello! What can I get for you today, babe?” She asked. 

“Well, uh, ‘m not really here to buy anythin’. Coffee ain’t really my thing… too bitter.” He stuck his tongue out a little bit as he said that. “I dunno if you know but I’m here to deliver some pastries!” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

As soon as she heard him speak, Arashi felt butterflies in her stomach. Fate had just set her up with the absolute cutest boy she’s ever seen and she was so happy. She was absolutely enamored with him. His accent was absolutely adorable and the way he looked down and played with his sleeves shyly as he explained the situation to her made her think that she might die from a cuteness overload. He was just so cute! She’d known this boy for maybe 60 seconds and she had already unashamedly fallen head over heels for him. He was perfect. 

He looked back up at her and they stared at each other for what felt like a blissful eternity, before looking back down awkwardly. His face was bright red. Oh how absolutely adorable he looked when he blushed like that. 

“I, uhm, I should go… Oshi-san’ll be real mad at me if ‘m not back soon..” He said shyly. It might’ve been her imagination but Arashi could’ve sworn she heard a little regret in his voice. 

“Oh, yes, yes of course!” She responded quickly. “Thank you so much for the pastries!” She smiled.

He smiled back at her and began to walk away. Right as he was about to open the door and leave she spoke up again. 

“Also… Your eyes are absolutely gorgeous, babe.” She winked at him and watched as his eyes widened and his face went tomato red again. 

“Th- thank you…” He said quietly and proceeded to leave.

She giggled and sighed as she rested her hand on her head. She was in love, wasn’t she? That was the prettiest boy she had ever seen and with only one interaction between them, she had fallen in love. She wasn’t complaining, though. She absolutely loved the feeling of butterflies in her stomach as she thought about the next time she would see him. 

“Arashi, you’re slacking.” Izumi’s voice spoke behind her. She could almost feel the glare she knew he was giving her.

“Oh my god, Izumi! You won’t believe what just happened.” She said excitedly.

Part 1: Mika’s POV

Mika sighed loudly and rubbed the back of his neck. He had been up since four making pastries. He was starting to get sick of the sweet smell, but he knew Shu would be mad at him if he stopped working. 

“Oshi-san,” He whined. “Can I have a break yet?” He was really hoping he could get out of there soon; today was supposed to be his day off but Shu had called him in suddenly. Although, that wasn’t too odd for Shu to do. 

“Actually, yes. You have to take this box of pastries to this cafe, though.” He handed him a piece of paper with an address written on it in cursive handwriting. “Do not be late, Kagehira. You’ll ruin our business’ reputation.” 

“Will do, Oshi-san!” Mika responded happily. He picked up the box and practically ran out the door.

Once he was outside, he sighed happily. He was glad he wasn’t inside anymore. He hurried over in the direction of the store, however, he got lost along the way. He somehow ended up in the shopping district and couldn’t find his way out. Shit, he panicked. Oshi-san’s gonna get mad at me if ‘m late. It took him a while, but he finally found his way to the coffee shop, however, he was ten minutes late. He would’ve been later if he hadn’t run the whole way. Maybe Shu wouldn’t get as mad at him if he lied and said he had just wandered around after taking the pastries to the cafe?

He went to pull the door open, but it wouldn’t. He tried again and it still wouldn’t open. He tried a third time before reading a sign that said “push” right next to the door. He embarrassedly pushed the door open and stumbled inside the store. He glanced up at the girl at the register and immediately looked down. Oh no, she was pretty. Like, really pretty. Stunning, even. He felt embarrassed. He walked up to the counter and set the box of pastries down before mustering up his courage and looking back up at her. 

Oh god, he was right the first time. She really was pretty. Her eyes were sparkling. They were a deep purple and so so pretty. Her hair was beautiful, too. She looked so effortlessly stunning and it honestly took his breath away. Her smile was stunning, too. She radiated warmth and he found her presence to be oddly comforting, despite knowing her for thirty seconds. 

“Uhm, hello! What can I get for you today, babe?” She said. Did she.. Did she just call him babe? He was falling for her so hard and so fast it almost scared him. He never considered himself the romantic type, but this girl made him feel butterflies in his stomach.

“Well, uh, ‘m not really here to buy anythin’. Coffee ain’t really my thing... too bitter.” He stuck his tongue out and he heard her giggle at that. He immediately blushed and started fidgeting with his sleeves. “I dunno if you know but I’m here to deliver some pastries!” He gestured at the box and rubbed his neck with his hand. It was a nervous habit of his to do that, and he sure was nervous right now. He really hoped that she didn’t find him weird.

He looked back up at her and as soon as their eyes met, he felt those famous butterflies that he didn’t know existed outside of stories. Her eyes were deep purple and stunning. He couldn’t look away. She was smiling at him and it seemed so comforting. He felt like he could stare at her for an eternity and still be as blissful as he was at this moment. 

He looked down nervously and could feel the heat rising to his cheeks. He suddenly remembered that he had to get back to the bakery or else Shu would be angry at him. 

“I, uhm, I should go… Oshi-san’ll be real mad at me if ‘m not back soon..” Mika said, trying not to show how sad he felt about having to say those words. The way she had gazed into his eyes was unlike the way anyone had looked at him before. He constantly felt as if people were judging him for his eyes. That he was weird for his mismatched orbs. Due to this, he absolutely hated them. He resented them and they made him feel terrible. 

This girl, though, she was different. She didn’t judge them, in fact, her gaze was so full of wonder. She was looking at him with so much kindness and warmth that he thought he might melt right then and there. She made him so happy, which was completely absurd considering he had known her for maybe three minutes. 

“Oh, yes, yes, of course!” She responded, quickly looking away. She smiled brightly at him. “Thank you so much for the pastries!”

Oh, god, she was so pretty. He started to walk away and right as he opened to door to leave, she called out to him. 

“Also… your eyes are absolutely gorgeous, babe.” She winked at him. Oh no. Oh no, oh no. Mika had tried so hard during the entirety of their conversation to keep calm and seem cool but he couldn’t handle it anymore. His face immediately went as red as a tomato, despite his wishes. That was the first time anyone had complimented his eyes before. He was shocked. This whole time he had absolutely hated his eyes. But for the first time, he liked them. They made him happy. And it was all because this girl, whom he had undoubtedly fallen in love with, had complimented him with complete sincerity. 

“Th-thank you…” He stuttered. He clumsily opened the door and walked out. He just knew that he had to tell Shu about this girl when he got back to the shop. 

When he arrived back at the shop, he suddenly stopped right in front of the door. “Shit, I forgot to ask her name..”

[kello-unknown]

NEVER THOUGHT IT’D BE HER

Summary:  Max lives an… entertaining life.  She just got out of a relationship she thought would last forever.  Meeting one person leads to more people in her life, and before she knows it, she’s falling in love with someone she never expected to fall in love with.

Words:  1,492

Warnings: like one flashback (but its a flashback of a flashback so), brief mention of alcohol consumption, flirty talk (kinda)

Author’s Note:  dont forget if u wanna catch up on what happened in the last chapter, you can click down below and re-read and remember what happened to the gang lol :D

CHAPTER 1, CHAPTER 2, CHAPTER 3, CHAPTER 4, CHAPTER 5, CHAPTER 6, CHAPTER 7

MASTERLIST

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CHAPTER 8

               THE next few days begin the same for the most part.  Alex starts to wake up a bit earlier every day now that she’s becoming used to waking up in Max’s bed.  The two see each other before Max leaves for work and Alex starts to plan for her day.  Alex had called her boss, who had, over the course of the years she has worked there, become a close friend, and told her a brief story of what happened.  Her boss told her to take as much time as she needed to recover, and Alex intended on doing just that.

               Throughout the first week of her being at the house, Alex spends most of her days taking walks down the street and visiting the town since she lived a few towns over before everything happened.  She gets home around five o’clock usually, and Max comes home from work a little more than an hour later.  The two would eat dinner together and share their day.  They’d watch a silly movie or something stupid so that there would be background noise as they would just talk to each other and enjoy the time they have.  After a while, one of them would say that it was late and that they should go to bed, the other would agree, and the cycle of activities would repeat the next day.

               One day, as she’s taking her daily walk, Alex comes by what looks like, to her, a night club.  She walks by and realizes it’s just a bar.  She’s practically explored the whole town at this point, and this seems to be the only bar in this area.  Then it hits her.  She remembers what Max told her about the night she and Natalie broke up. 

               After what feels like hours of crying, Max gets up and walks to the fridge, looking for the one thing that’s always been there for her whenever she’s had a problem that no one else could help her with.  Downing one bottle of beer, she goes to grab another one, along with her house keys, and goes for a walk.  Ten minutes go by, and she arrives at her go-to bar, stumbling in….

               This must be the bar Max went to drown all of her sorrows.  And by the looks of Max, there must have been a lot of sorrows. 

               Alex pulls her phone out of her pocket and goes through her text messages and clicks on one name.  She hasn’t told anyone about what happened between her and Devin, not even Casey, her best friend since God knows how long.  She couldn’t imagine life without her.  Casey was always there for her, no matter what. 

               “Hey girlie, you doing anything tn?  I have a lot to tell you…”  She sent the text and looked back up at the bar front.  She hears a ding, brings her face back down towards her phone and sees that Casey already texted her back.  “omg yes ofc.  its been a while, im sure u do lmao.  have anywhere in particular u wanna go?”  Alex smiles.

               “There’s this cute bar I just found.  ‘The Black Lion.’  Idk if you’ve ever heard of it, but I’ll send you the addy and meet you there.. say 8ish tn?” 

               “i think ive been there once or twice if memory serves.  ill be there bitch ;)”

               Alex puts her phone into her pocket and continues on her walk.

               After being out for almost four hours on her walk, Alex gets back to the house around the same time she usually does and notices Max’s car in the driveway.  Curious as to why she’s home much earlier than usual, she heads inside to see what’s up.  Walking in the front door, she sees Max sitting at the counter on her phone.  Max looks up to see her roommate and greets her.  Alex does the same as she walks over towards her and asks why she’s home so early in the evening.  “My boss was convinced I was too tired to work even though I already finished my work for the day.  So, she sent me home early since ‘It’s Friday,’ and I should go out with my ‘friends to celebrate the end of another week.’  Her words, not mine,” Max explains. 

               Alex giggles.  “Well good for you then, I guess.  Anyways, I was actually going out with one of my friends tonight since I haven’t seen anyone in a while.”  Max’s eyes widen.

               “That’s great!  Where are you guys gonna go?” she inquires.

               “That bar in town.. I think it’s called ‘The Black Lion’?”  Max nods.

               “Oh!  I love the BL!  That’s my go-to bar.  It’s great.”  Alex smiles at Max’s enthusiasm.  “Listen if anyone - and I mean anyone - gives you a problem trying to get in, tell them you know me.  I’m a regular there and if that doesn’t work, call me.  I’ll come down and show off the guns.”  She then rolls up her sleeves and flexes her bicep.  Alex bursts out laughing, and Max does the same not too long after she starts.  After they both finish laughing, Alex, wiping tears off her face, excuses herself and starts to go get ready for her night out with Casey while Max goes to her text messages. 

               “You doing anything tn?  I got the house to myself if you wanna come over ;)??”  She sets her phone down to walk to the fridge and grabs a drink.  On her way back over to the couch, she picks up and checks her phone to see if she had gotten a message.  Nothing yet.  She tosses her phone onto the couch, grabs the remote and sits down.  As soon as the tv is on, she hears a chime coming from her phone.  She leaves whatever is playing on the tv and picks up her phone.

               “im actually going out with one of my friends tn lol.  maybe later on in the weekend if u can? its been a while ;).”  Max sighs.  She hasn’t seen Casey in a while since Alex has moved in.  But she gets it.  It’s a bros before hoes type thing.

               “I get it lmao.  I’ll have to check ahead to see if I have any work to do,” she knew she wouldn’t have any work, but she likes to play hard to get sometimes, “but I’d love to get together over the weekend.  Have fun tn.”  As if almost on cue, Alex emerges from the bedroom.  She’s got on a pair of blue skinny jeans and a black – no, maybe dark grey – crop top on.  She walks over to the couch with her black heels in her hand.  “Well you look cute.  Are you trying to get with this friend of yours tonight or are you just trying to make him drool?” 

               Alex rolls her eyes.  “First, thank you for the compliment.  I finally went back to the apartment to grab most of my clothes.  Luckily, Devin wasn’t there so I didn’t have to deal with him.”  Max nods.  “Second, no I am not trying to get with my friend, and lastly this friend is a girl.  So politely fuck off.”  She sends a smirk to Max, who just chuckles and throws her hands up in surrender.

               “Alright.  You can still technically get with her, you know.  My first statement still stands, though.  You look hot.”

               Alex raises an eyebrow.  “I thought I looked just cute a few seconds ago.  Now I’m hot?  What made you change your mind?” she teases.  “Is it the heels?  It’s definitely the heels,” she says, as she now sends a wink to her roommate.

               Max sits in her spot on the couch, laughing softly while shaking her head.  Alex stands up and starts to gather what she needs for her escapades and heads for the front door.  Before she leaves, she hears Max yell out, “If you need the bedroom tonight, make sure you text me at least 10 minutes before you get home!”  Alex laughs, yelling out a quick “Okay!” as she closes the front door.  She walks down the driveway, grabs her phone to text Casey to tell her she’s leaving now, and starts her walk to the bar.

               When she’s just around the corner from the bar, Alex texts Casey to see if she’s close.  As she walks up to the front of the bar, she sees her best friend coming from the other direction.  She smiles, walks past the bar and up to Casey.  They both hug each other tightly.

               The two get in without a problem, the bouncer having recognized Casey from her coming to the bar so many times before tonight.  The two sit down at one of the tables in the corner of the bar and their night begins.

NEXT

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tags: @maggie-elise13, @elizabethfictionwriting, @lesbian-deadpool, @the-very-tired-gay,  @timelords-13, @tangled-up-in-bad-decisions, @natashaswhitesuit, @its-a-me-mario-hihi, @marvelfansince08love

[inkskinned]

literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-. 

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound. 

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it 

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it 

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression. 

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost. 

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed 

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

[blackreesemajic]

Social Distancing with a New Flame

         ✨💕 You just met a new boo and just when the vibes started flowing boom* 💥 💥 the world shuts down and quarantine is turned on. The honeymoon phase should be the time you and your person are going on dates, boo’d up in public, holding hands, and sucking each other's face every second of the day.  😘😘😘

Your mind is filled with a plethora of in-person activities y’all can be doing during this time to make the butterflies in your stomach flutter like they just popped a perk.

If your situation is anything like mine, You may feel like your coochie was just put on 90-day probation without your consent. Thank you to the reviews of Steve Harvey’s, “Act like a Lady, Think like a man.” And his toxic masculinity perpetuated in his book,  I would have read it and MAYBE had been better prepared for THIS situation. 

Remember, although times are hard right now it’s not always about sex! Your peach  🍑 may be yearning for that eggplant  🍆 but 30-90 days is not. that. long... of a wait to be intimate with someone. 

You could be like one of those people who wait until marriage…

No shade, but I am not one of those people.  

I’m the, “Bring that ass here boi!” type of people. 

The CDC recommends that we “Stay Calm” during this time quarantine.

 It sounds unrealistic to me.  😒

 How can we stay calm when our sexual desires are all over the place. 

There are three things we are ALL doing during this time if we are not daydreaming about the outside land. 

We spend all day bouncing that ass from Insta to Facebook, Twitter to Tumblr then back to Insta again…

 Log on to our ex’s Netflix account and be entertained by the white Trashery of Tiger King and then see the same trashery in the White House to remind us the world has gone straight to SHITS... 

Lastly, switching to Private mode on our phones and visiting pornhub.com or xvideos.com to see who is offering the best free subscription. 

 Trust me, I’m right there with you! 

 Just because social distancing is in effect does not mean you have to distance your heart. 

Let’s use this time to get to know each other on a personal level. 

Isolation could be causing your energies to yearn for one another louder than ever. You may even have a heightened craving of intimacy during this time. This time in quarantine can be beneficial to your dating life if you consider yourself someone who is, “Shy or Introverted” or are attracted to people who are. Many people with introverted personalities would prefer getting to know each other over the phone or on a virtual date. This is the time to bring back genuine connections, open and honest conversations, and my ALL TIME FAVORITE… Falling asleep on the phone. 

[[Pieces of Reese: If he in quarantine at “his crib” but can only talk to you during certain hours or when he steps outside… He in quarantine with someone else, sis. LET HIM GO! ]]   🔑 😒

Here are some tips to keep the flame lit, tea hot, and coffee dripping down your lips. So that when you and your new boo do get back together the connection is stronger than ever!

1.     Self Healing and Reflecting: I know. I know. You were so excited because you feel like you could have finally met your “PERSON”. And now, You can’t even see them in-person. Your mind starts to ponder so many “What the fucking Ifs!” “What if they get bored with me?” “What if they lose interest?” “What if they have multiple quarantine boo’s”  “What if they catch corona and die?!!!” I know it sounds fucking crazy but its a real fucking fear.  You must remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real!

I NEED YOU TO IMMEDIATELY; Reset your mind and Refocus yourself. 

Now is the time you must remind yourself that “YOU ARE THAT BITCH!” Use this time to get to know you. Get healthy Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally... If being in a relationship/ situationship is what you desire at the end of all of this. Use the time to make yourself WHOLE. Thou can’t pick up broken glass without cutting the hand that is trying to put the pieces back together.  

[[ “We don’t fear being alone. We fear getting to know the parts of ourselves we didn’t know before.” - Pieces of Reese ]]

 Pick up a pen and paper and write: Write a letter to yourself. Write in your diary. Write to your person. Write your feelings. Write yourself daily affirmations and post them on your bathroom mirror so that you see them every day. Get connected with the feelings behind your everyday thoughts.

Set a routine; Whatever the routine looks like to you, set it! There is no amount of work you need to force yourself to meet society’s sense of productivity. The routine is only in place to keep your body prepared for what the universe has to offer you once this is all done.

2.       Virtual Dates: It seems crazy but having a virtual date can be romantic and is also cost-efficient. If you or your partner want to be extravagant you can rotate turns ordering the other person a meal (Be sure to leave your delivery person a decent tip for working through these hard times). You can both go into your own kitchens and cook each other your favorite meal. Make something you will want your person to try when you are in one space. Try describing the taste of the meal, who taught you how to make it, and why it is your favorite. Adding wine or alcohol loosens things up and being alone could make you more comfortable with being yourself on the date. A great website to get the conversation going: www.goalcast.com/2018/04/19/deep-questions-to-ask-your-partner/amp/ 

3.   Share what you see: If you are a lover of music, videos, Memes, or GIFs, Do NOT be afraid to share it with your person. With everything that is happening in the world currently, Now is the perfect time to make someone smile and laugh. Remember that MENTAL HEALTH is real! For people who suffer from Mental Health Illness, forced isolation calls for undesired thoughts of not being wanted. Show your person they are the first person you thought of when you have seen or heard something. Make them feel like, you couldn’t wait to send it to them. Let them know they are not alone during this time. You are their person   

4. If you are adventurous: Video or Phone sex has never got anyone left on READ. It actually gets you a callback.

 It's safe, sexy, and Kinky AS FUCK! Call your friends who love BDSM to teach you a thing or two. Virtual sex allows you to push the boundaries between you and your partner. It makes each person excited for what's to come when you are in one space. 

You can set the mood for your virtual hook up by lighting candles, having your space neat, camera angles must be on point,  and start off with a striptease to get the eggplant ripe and keep the peach juicy. 

Playing a ”If I miss, I Strip. If you miss, You strip.” [if you know, you know ❤️ + 🏀 ] type of game may relax you and your partner. Of course, Make it specific to you and yours. Don’t forget to have your #BlackReeseMajic music playlist ready. If you don’t have a music playlist visit my apple music/ Spotify to follow any of mine  

5.    Lastly, Optional, and specific for my Spiritual Souls who believe in the power of Manifestation: ✨💕✨💕✨💕

[You do not have to have a person already to do this step. If you are someone hoping to find your quarantine boo or keep the one you have then this is for you]

 Step One: is to start by writing out everything you want in your person. Qualities, Attributes, Values, and Looks (if you believe in detail). Remember to write out how you want to be treated by your person. If you want to go the extra step. You can write what ‘You’ will be able to offer to your person. Once you have produced the person you desire in the concrete sense,

 Step Two: is to call on your spirits guides, ancestors, and higher power to bring forth your ask. Some things you may need to connect with the spiritual realm but are not required are 1.Pink Candle (Pink candles personify the purest form of love, a love without selfishness with selfless emotions, are ideal for the beginning of a relationship), 2. Herbs or Essential oils [if you have] have a centuries-long history of symbolizing love and devotion (Lavender, Rose, Basil, Calendula...etc). 3. Sage: “Sage is known to have healing properties and with the power of intention and spiritual connection with the source of all existence, the burning of Sage assists with healing and clearing.” 4. Offering: Clean and freshwater is the simplest form of offering. You can also offer coins, jewelry, fruits, anything appealing to the spirits. 5. Bell or anything that makes noise (can be your voice) 

And Step Three: Have a table or space specific for intentions or manifestation. With a clear mind, body, and soul begin my thanking creation for all that you already have. I like to place my “person desires” list under my pink candle. I sprinkle my herbs around and inside my candle. I  use a couple of drops of my essential oils for fragrance (Spirits love good smelling things). I make my spiritual space as pretty as possible (Glitter is enticing to spirits and crystals deepens the vibrations). I give the offering (usually freshwater, money, or coins). I chant (Chanting is specific to you. If you need help with a chant I usually say, “All praises to the most high. God, Spirits, Creation, and Ancestors, I thank you for everything you have done and everything you continue to do. I offer you my purest self and this alter to bring forth my ask…”  I burn my sage (smell, clarity, and guidance to myself and spirits), and finally, I light my pink love candle.

 I let my candle burn for a whole day or I light it every day for a few hours then blow it out.   

I hope this tea has filled your soul the way writing it has filled mine. Stay at home if you can and stay safe during this time. 

If you are someone who lost a loved one from complications of COVID19, I pray for healing and peace over your life. I am sending EACH and every one of you Light and Love from the depths of my soul. 

Spread Light and Love Every day! ✨💕

PEACE & Be The.      

    Sincerely, Pieces of Reese

Sources: 

https://www.miracleswithinus.com/the-spiritual-side-of-sage.html

https://dontmesswithmama.com/essential-oils-for-romance-love/

https://www.thespruce.com/herb-meanings-in-love-and-romance-1761964

https://www.sisterlove.org/post/keeping-it-safe-and-sexy-covid19

[hexhux]

My Eighteenth Birthday

Friday, May 3rd, 2019. 

An open letter to everyone who has ever loved me. A recap of the year. 

Today, I turned eighteen years old. I can’t help but feel incredibly lucky to be here. I’m sure many others who suffer from long-term mental illness can relate, but it is not always a given to make it this far. I have so much farther to go, but because this is such a milestone, I wanted to take a moment to step back and give my thanks to those in my life who have offered their hand to me. This life has been as joyous and wonderful as it has been cruel. For all the times I have sobbed my heart out, grieving and ashamed, I have found an equal amount of pure, forgiving laughter. To everyone, thank you so much.

One of the most important things I have learned so far is to appreciate the small things. To the setting sun, to the flowers called weeds, to the soft sheets, to the warm baths - thank you. To the moon, the stars, the midnight sky - thank you. To the emotional movies, to the memes on the internet, to the books I’ve read a thousand times - thank you. These are the things I have cultivated and loved, even when I thought the sun wouldn’t shine on me any longer. To quote one of my favorite movies of all time, Swiss Army Man, “Everything everywhere matters to everything.” It truly does. Forever. Always.

Grandma: you are the most important person in my life. From the very day I was born, you have been there. Through every stomach ache, nightmare, and painful thought, you have pieced me back together. You taught me what love truly was. Dedication. Sincerity. Empowerment. On all the days I could not love myself, you loved me twice as much. I found true friendship with you. You are the most generous, forgiving, and wholly enveloping person I know. Regardless of whether or not I am happy or sad, your face is the one I want to see. You match me in passion, pride, and persistence. I cannot tell you how much I love you because words do not come close to the feeling inside my heart. Thank you for being my best friend, for the advice, the comfort, and all the times you thoroughly read my fanfiction. You have supported my art and my dreams since the beginning. Thank you, mama.

Ethan: Firstly, let me ask a very, very important question, little brother. Do you have a mic? I’m kidding (lmao). I could not have a better brother. You were my first playmate, my partner in crime, and the person who was always by my side. Never once have we stopped playing. Every moment with you is one of belly-aching laughter and jokes. You bring an incredible light to the life of anyone who knows you. You’re level-headed, compassionate, and the funniest person I know. We’re so similar, but even in our differences, we’ve supported one another fully. You are my other half and I love you so dearly that it’s nearly laughable. You’re an absolute buffoon sometimes, but I’d take you over anyone else any day.

Collin: Ah, yes, my stupid woke best friend. You are the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. The only person who asks retail workers about their day, even if they clearly hate their job. Nobody else has ever made quite such a dedication to getting to know me. You know the most about me, even if admitting that is embarrassing because the vast majority of my secrets are odd and cringe-worthy. We have been through so many challenges, but we have always made it through because we have a connection unlike no other. You are such a beautiful, encapsulating human being. The bond we have is incomparable to any other, and I cannot thank you enough for being my friend. It isn’t often you meet someone who wants all of you, not just the good parts. You have loved me through the misfortune. And I want you to know that I will forever be there for you. It is an honor to know you, Collin.

Nits: We may have met by chance, but there is nothing accidental about our friendship. I have never encountered someone like you before - someone so bold, strong, and gorgeous. That summer we spent every day together, entangled by movies, music, and a growing fondness that would last forever. To be loved by you is such a gift. Nobody deserves you. I have never so desperately wanted to see someone succeed. We are intertwined and will be forever, I truly hope. You have held my hand and helped me through the bad times, just as I’ve held yours. You are an enigmatic, wondrous, and hopeful soul. Thank you for seeing me for who I am, even when I myself didn’t know who that was at times.

Kiesha: Your comfort and reassurance is never-ending. You have such a warm, broad presence. We have known each other for such a long time and have managed to grow in the same direction. So much love, laughter and acceptance has been cultivated between us. I cannot thank you enough for all those nights spent talking on the phone late at night. For all the times you answered my calls when I was crying after a bad dream and needed another person to exist with me. For all the beta-reading, spelling checks, and long-reading sessions. Thank you for being there and for being the Wade Wilson to my Peter Parker.

Nova: I have never met another person so similar to myself. You’ve given me so much comfort in my identity and existence. You are a lovely, sugary sweet human being, even when you’re badass. You have such a fierce and generous energy, which has enraptured me since the moment we met. We met through hard circumstances, but I believe it was worth it because we found each other. I would relive it a hundred times if you were still standing at the end of it. Our love for one another is so nurturing and wholesome, and I wouldn’t give it up for all the money in the world. Thank you for your friendship, generosity, and patience. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you. Probably throw a fit.

Nikki: You are seriously one of the most interesting people I have ever met. You’re so hilarious, so intriguing, and so sincere. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. Your presence is one I’ll never forget and hope to never live without. I will always hold my hand out to you because I know you’d do the same for me. You’re such a supportive, kind, and affectionate person. You don’t give yourself enough credit for how fuckin’ amazing you are. I’m very glad to call you my friend, and I can’t thank you enough for being mine. You matter so much to me. Thank you for all the playlists, passion, and crude jokes.

Cierra: You are such a beautiful, darling person. We have grown so much together and I could not be happier to call you my friend. Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of having a friend like the teenage girls in the coming of age movies. The type of friendship where you gush about boys, share all of your dreams and uplift each other to the highest degree. I feel so much happiness talking to you, even if it's about nothing at all. You have supported me so thoroughly and have always been such a gentle, soft girl. I am so proud to call you my friend. For all the times we gushed over Tom Holland, thank you.

J: From the very moment we met, we’ve had intense and bold chemistry. You’re so funny and so wise, even if sometimes I want to beat you with a stick. Your love and dedication for me have been such a pleasure. I love that we can spend hours on the phone - talking about everything and nothing at all. You’ve always been there to support me, even in times when I felt too weak to go on. Your love for me has been so enveloping, and I hope you know that I love you just as much. Thank you for giving me the courage to remove toxic people from my life. Thank you for remembering the little things about me. And most of all, thank you for also indulging in my love for oldies beach music. You’re wonderful.

Aisu, Amanda, Sky, and Reez: My wonderful squad! You guys are endlessly supportive, hilarious, and fantastic human beings. Never in my life have I felt so brave and safe with a group of people. It is truly an honor to log onto Twitter and talk to such honest, fantastic friends. No matter what I’m talking about, you guys are always there to encourage me. Through all my writing, my artwork, my strange fantasies - you guys have been there. For all the support of my Kylo Ren fetish, my love for Slenderman, and random infatuations with villians, thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart, I love y’all.

To myself: You’ve made it this far. I know that some days you succumb to the pain, the insecurity, the anguish, but you have truly been so brave. Every time that you’ve fallen, you’ve pushed yourself from the ground and stood on your feet once more. Against all odds, you have made it to eighteen. You are strong. You are smart. You are brave. Even on the days when you wished you were someone else, or gone completely, you have bandaged your wounds and taken care of yourself. I am so proud of you. For once in my life, I am happy to be who I am. I am happy to be you. To inhabit this body. Thank you for never once giving up on yourself, even when you so desperately wanted to. Thank you so much.

I learned so much during my year as seventeen. It hasn’t been easy by any means; there were so many times when I wanted to let go of it all. Recovering from severe depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder has been a long, arduous process. I’ve been in therapy for nearly a full year now, and I’ve come so far in examining my trauma and understanding how to live with it. This year, I’ve done my best to step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to flourish as much as possible. This life can be complicated and heartbreaking, but it’s worth it all. For all the happiness, the love, the sweetness.

Finally, I’d like to list the songs that I’ve played a billion times and have been the biggest comfort. 

1. Mariners Apartment Complex by Lana Del Rey

2. O Superman by Laurie Anderson

3. Allentown by Manchester Orchestra & The Front Bottoms

4. I’ll Still Have Me by CYN

5. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

Thank you to everyone. For everything.

“Knowing at last what I am, recognizing it, admitting it, confronting it,” - Anaïs Nin

[abbydraper]

Who Gets a Seat in Peter’s Cockpit?

The bios for this seasons’ Bachelor contestants went live today and I just can’t help myself. My justification for this round is that ABC is finally back to giving me what I want... more than just a “job” title and an age. Yep, this season we are getting the full on, horribly written bios. Which means I have so much more to work with. 

Alayah (unsure of pronunciation) 

After failing 3 times before, Alayah (unsure of pronunciation) was finally crowned Miss Texas this year. And she really likes talking about it. The Bachelor franchise interns that wrote this bio also added a teaser that, “familiar faces” might resurface proving that Alayah (unsure of pronunciation) is batshit, and like, we already had this drama with Caelynn and Hannah last season, so no thank you. She claims her favorite social media platform is Reddit and I hope we learn that she goes deep on Reddit conversations about romantic relationships with wildlife animals, or something.  

 Avonlea (not a real name)

Cattle Rancher by day, runway model by night, Avonlea (not a real name) shares that every time she milks one of her cows, she thanks it for its hard work. That would be like me kissing my laptop any time I finished a press release. Except less strange. She also claims that in her spare time she likes snuggling up by the fire to listen to a good audiobook and I’m interpreting this as an admission that she can’t read.  

Alexa (can you not start fights this season? Get it, that’s an Alexa joke)

Alexa wants us to know that she decided to move to Chicago during a game of heads or tails, and I’m assuming that’s to make us think she’s adventurous and up for anything, but her hometown is Springfield, Ill. and when I Google map the distance between the two cities, it’s a three hour drive. I made the decision to move 3,000 miles away over a mid-day FaceTime with my boss and have never included that in a bio when looking for love. She’s going to require a lot of attention and I’m already annoyed. 

Courtney

Courtney is proud to be a Florida girl, “through and through” which isn’t something anyone should find pride in. She has had a lot of plastic surgery, but is wearing a cross necklace over a mock turtleneck tank top in her Bachelor photo which means she’s boring to talk to, but makes up for it generously in the bedroom. 

Deandra

Why are all of these women from Texas? Was it the last place on the audition city tour? Anyway, Deandra describes herself as an “independent, intelligent” woman, which translates the same way as when a guy describes himself as “funny” on a dating app... no way it’s true. She is a self-proclaimed “famers market aficionado” and that’s not a thing. 

Eunice (also not a name, but could be an allergy medication)

Eunice (also not a name, but could be an allergy medication) really wants to rid herself of the party girl reputation but when asked her favorite country, she responded with “Greece” because she can knock back ouzo like it’s water, so she’ll be the first to chug a bottle of champagne and make a bad joke about Peters cockpit. Kind of like I did in the title of this post. 

Hannah Ann (I really hate when people have two first names)

Hannah Ann (I really hate when people have two first names) looks like she was on a show on the WB called “Teenage Darkness” that was canceled after one season and likely could have been as she still lives at home with her parents. Her “home” (room at her parents) is decorated with artwork that she painted herself. The background on my phone is a picture of me, so I have no room to judge. But I am. 

Jade 

Like 80% of the other contestants, and The Bachelor himself, Jade is a flight attendant. Unlike other flight attendants, Jade claims she is afraid of heights. What a risk taker. She is also a mormon and was divorced at age 22 so there’s a lot to unpack here. No travel pun intended.  

Jasmine

In a single paragraph, we learn that Jasmine wants a guy that can do the impossible (bring her Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday), build her a table, give her babies (but not until they’ve traveled the world together) and doesn’t play video games. Pretty specific list of “musts” from a guy who wears a bandaid on his forehead and gets off to windmills. 

Jenna

I feel like Jenna and Peter are this seasons Ben H. and Lauren B. He’ll fall hard, but wonder if she’s too quiet and reserved and she’ll spend a lot of time telling him she’s super fun while actually being incredibly boring. She has a pet goldfish named George, the most boring name on the planet, and she believes that George, her pet goldfish, gives great advice. That’s all the proof I need to validate my assumptions.

Kiarra

She is a self-proclaimed social butterfly who loves shopping, fashion, style and social media. So she’s here for the Fab, Fit, Fun + Fit Tea Instagram deals. 

Katrina 

Katrina has a hairless cat (her words, not mine) that she does everything with. She claims that she dressed up like her hairless cat for Halloween and I need to see what that looks like. Or maybe I don’t. The cat is named after her favorite Disney princess and at age 28 I don’t think someone should have a favorite Disney princess. Her mom is worried about her biological clock ticking and I think she should be more concerned that Katrina brings her “hairless cat” with her to birthday parties. 

Kelley

Kelley needs a man to take care of her, and her most recent relationship was an “international long distance” lover that paid for her to go to Jordan to see him once or twice a month. So, she had a sugar daddy. She decided to end it because she “couldn’t see herself moving to the Middle East”. Which reads, she found out she was on The Bachelor and had to call it off... for now. She has been to 26 countries, so I’m guessing Mr. Jordan wasn’t her first SD. 

Kelsey

Kelsey is a “professional clothier” in Iowa and that’s not a real thing. She claims she’s had relationship issues in the past but Pilates cured that right up. She says she’s not looking for drama, which means she will cry a lot this season. I hope it doesn’t ruin that spray tan and smokey eye look.  

Kylie 

Kylie is an entertainment sales associate in Santa Monica, which means she probably passes out fliers for nightclubs on the Santa Monica Promenade during the day and is a bottle service girl in Hollywood at night, in hopes that she will be “discovered”. She is looking for that “rom-com kind of love” which translates to auditioning for The Bachelor and then dating in the franchise pool for press when it doesn’t happen with Peter. 

Lauren

The most important part of Lauren’s bio is that she conducts exit interviews with all of her exes to find out what went wrong. Imagine that. Your boyfriend comes over to break up with you and you’re like, “I understand. Are you free Thursday between 1 - 2 so I can document when you became unhappy in this role and why? Want to make sure the next person we hire (I date) doesn’t face the same challenges” and him responding with, “Oh yea, totally. See you at 1:30, Thursday.” I’m pretty sure if I called an ex and asked for a SWOT analysis on our relationship he would say, “Abby, this is exactly the reason things didn’t work out.”  

Lexi

Lexi would rather be buried alive than trapped in a room full of frogs. That’s it. The thought of being buried in the ground, alive and breathing, is more appealing to her than being in a room of small amphibians for a short amount of time. Sounds like a ball of fun.

Madison

Madison really wants you to know that she loves basketball. She would even rather rock a pair of Jordan’s (I think those are basketball shoes) than heels. She also loves Jesus. A lot. And if Peter doesn’t, it will be a technical foul for their love. Sports jokes, am I right? 

Maurissa (not how you spell Marissa)

Maurissa (not how you spell Marissa) broke up with her long-term boyfriend, moved to Atlanta and lost 80 pounds. She will be the one that works out in the morning instead of having a mimosa with the other girls. She says if she hits it off with Peter right away, she plans on going hard, so she’ll be the one to steal him away during every other conversation. She’ll probably make him feel her newfound biceps, too.

Megan

Another flight attendant joins the season. This one has aspirations of visiting Zion which is literally a 5 hour drive from San Francisco, where she lives. Dream big, Megan. I see her making it to hometowns and since her mom is her best friend, she’s going to put Peter through the ringer which will be very difficult for their relationship. Do you think I’ve watched a season or two of this show? Megan also looks like a hybrid of every Bachelorette this franchise has ever had. 

Mykenna

Mykenna is barely out of college and has only been in one relationship, so this will be tough for us all to endure. She is a fashion blogger which isn’t a real job, from Canada, who has a BHAG of starting a charity. For what, we don’t know. Her grandfather proposed to her grandmother after their first date. All of this wrapped up in one person means a lot of tears will be shed. 

Natasha

An event planner from New York (who in New York isn’t an event planner?) Natasha loves her legs and her back because she has a cross and a dagger tattoo there. What do you think inspires someone to get a cross and a dagger tattooed on their legs all the way up to their back? Real question. 

Payton (not how you spell this name) 

1. “Payton (not how you spell this name) is the type of woman who goes into a bar alone and leaves with 100 new best friends”. No she doesn’t. 

2. Payton (not how you spell this name) found out she had a fifth sibling, “thanks to some serious Facebooking”. No she didn’t. 

3. Payton (not how you spell this name) currently lives in her parents’ basement. That explains why she included 1 + 2 in her bio. 

Sarah

I put my thousands of hours watching every iteration on this show that Sarah is in the final three. She is the Whitney B. of Chris Soules’ season. Like, exactly. Job in medicine, sweet looking blonde, thoughtful and targeted responses to bio questions... calling it now. 

Savannah

Savannah has done her research on what makes Bachelor Nation contestants famous, post show. She claims she enjoys shopping at Revolve, a brand that thrives on leveraging former suitresses as influencers. See: JoJo, Kaitlyn, Hannah G., Caelynn, Caila and other misspelled names from Bachelor seasons past. Her indulgence is Vampire Facials, a trend also posted to IG stories from the aforementioned. She refers to herself as the “turtle princess” and I hope that means what I desperately need it to mean. 

Shiann

In her bio, she claims her dating history includes men with wives, men that ghost her and men that like her friends more than they like her. Sounds like Las Vegas (where she lives) to a tee. She will not make it past night one. 

Sydney

Sydney is coming onto the show with a broken heart. Her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and her hobbies including planning fantasy vacations for her and her unknown future husband. She will absolutely come out of the limo with a cupcake and a poorly written poem for Peter, that he won’t remember. 

Tammy

Tammy wanted so desperately to be on the mens wrestling team in high school, that when they told her no, she just showed up to all of their practices until they let her...wrestle. She will be interrupting one-on-one time when she’s not supposed to and show up to Peters hotel room unannounced more than once this season. Tammy also has a vanity license plate and the combination of all of this is just too much for me to think about.

Victoria F. (apparently there is more than one Victoria this season) 

She wants it to be known that she likes a man that cries in public and I already do not relate. She also responded to her bio questions with run on sentences so again, I do not relate. Good luck, Victoria F.  

Victoria P. (the second Victoria it seems)

I’m fairly certain I’ve seen Victoria P. in a porn, but either way, she leads with losing her father at a young age, her mother and sister struggling with drug addiction and her boyfriend cheating on her, but she states that nothing upsets her more than finding raisins in her cookies. Like, despite it all, dried grapes really piss Victoria P. off. Priorities. 

What are your thoughts after reading the bios? Will you watch this season? Tell me everything. 

[icanseeyoufromhere]

On lists and lessons

March 26, 2018.

December 10, 2018.

January 14, 2019.

February 26, 2019.

April 24, 2019.

June 20, 2019.

These are dates that I’d like to say I’ll always remember, but I probably won’t. I mean, I am terrible with names, dates, all that good stuff. 

For example, I often confuse my kids’ birthdays. 

This gaffe is not totally unreasonable. Camilo was born on 9/18/15, and Magdalena was born on 9/14/17. Both are September babies, and all the other numbers in their birthdates sit in the ‘teens, really close to each other. But I’ve had people look at me twice, because I get the dates wrong. You do not want the receptionist at the ER questioning your maternity in the middle of the night when your kid has got croup.

So I’d like to say I will remember the dates of my six surgeries, but I am just not sure. 

Happily, I have this little blog, and now the dates are forever archived somewhere in the ether, for generations to come:

1. March 26, 2018. First (unilateral) mastectomy on left side, to remove cancerous tumor, with removal of lymph nodes and insertion of expander.

2. December 10, 2018. Emergency replacement of expander with silicone implant so that I could have an MRI of my ovaries. Fat grafting to help fill out the implant so it would look more natural.

3. January 14, 2019. Second (unilateral) mastectomy (prophylactic this time) on the right side, with insertion of expander. Excision on the left side to scrape out some remaining tissue that wasn’t fully cancer free and also to remove a patch of skin that was dangerously thin.

4. February 26, 2019. Total hysterectomy, including removal of tubes and ovaries.

5. April 24, 2019. Emergency replacement of expander on the right side because skin had become blistered and eventually ruptured. 

6. June 20, 2019. Replacement of expander with silicone implant on the right side. Fat grafting on both sides to help fill out the implants.

My kids’ grandkids didn’t even know they wanted this list! And now they have it. You’re (all) welcome.

Anyway, I have had six surgeries in just over 15 months. Four were planned. Two were not. My body has been through the ringer. I’ve taken so many drugs of so many kinds--antibiotics, opioids, acetaminophen, stool softeners, even a bit of valium; had lots of JP drains (including one currently); and have so many scars all over my torso, my breasts, and between my legs.

It shouldn’t surprise that, over the course of these medical procedures, I’ve learned quite a bit about myself. I thought I’d list a few of those lessons here, alongside (or just below, really) the list of dates of the surgical interventions that have marked my life (and my family’s life) since I had my first mastectomy last March 26.

A short-term thing (god, I hope it’s short-term):

1. I now go to bed with the reasonable expectation that I will be up for at least half the night (often more), unable to sleep. 

Early menopause has not been completely unkind to me. The hot flashes are hot, but they’re manageable. I’m feeling generally pretty good emotionally, although now when I get mad (not an uncommon thing, heh) I tend to get really mad, really fast.

But I don’t sleep. I mean, sure, I will fall asleep, often as early as 8:30 (because I’m so damn tired). But I will quite reliably be up again, sometimes at 10, sometimes at midnight, but always before 2 am. And then I’m up. Like, really up, often for a really long time. Hours and hours. With phone, without the phone (I know the screen messes with our sleep cycle), it doesn’t matter. And I am so fucking tired. 

During those sleepless hours, I spend a lot of time wondering. I wonder how long one can function with so little sleep. I wonder if lack of sleep can cause cancer. I wonder if this world will be around long enough for my kids to have grandkids. I wonder about concentration camps and my kids drowning in pools and if I passed along my genetic mutation to either (or both) of them. You get the gist. These are not pleasant musings. I try to shift course, meditate, play Wordscapes on my phone. I run through my old high school balance beam routine, over and over in my head. I get up, kiss my kids, drink water...I NEED TO SLEEP. So, so desperately. 

I’ve learned, in short, that early menopause for me means coping with temporary insomnia.

Other, longer-term lessons:

2. Each surgery has required at least a couple days of repose. I have learned, however, that I. Cannot. Just. Sit. Still. Four hours after my total hysterectomy I was picking up toys and sweeping the floor. You know, just some light housework after having a few reproductive organs removed. It’s rather sick. I’m not proud of this. My inability to lie in bed probably helped produce some of the physical setbacks and at least one of the emergency surgeries (#5. April 24, 2019). It has not, however, produced ANY FUCKING SLEEP. So go figure. 

3. I am a lazy medicator. I mean, I took my antibiotics every six hours for seven days, as per doctor’s orders. But I’m really bad with pain management. To wit: I still haven’t taken the 500 grams of acetaminophen that I was supposed to take two hours ago, even though I feel quite a bit of pain under my right armpit, where the scar is healing and the JP drain is protruding from my skin. It’s the same when I have a headache, or when I used to have menstrual cramping. I just ride out the discomfort, as if science hadn’t created tiny, magical pills to take away the pain. I don’t know why I am like this. I literally just typed about my need for acetaminophen. I have the acetaminophen right next to me, as well as a glass of water. And I still haven’t taken it! What is wrong with me? 

(I just took the acetaminophen.)

4. When I woke up this morning (after falling asleep some time around 4 am), my feet were where my head should be. As in, I decided to flip around and put my pillow at the foot of the bed. As a long-time poor sleeper, I, at some point along the way, realized that this shift in perspective could at times help me fall asleep.

Matias mocked me earlier today about this, saying something to the effect of: “What do you think that does for you? It’s ridiculous.” 

(Oh, the hormonal-induced RAGE.)

Setting aside my offense for a moment, let me put on my social scientist hat. There could be science at play here. Flipping the person is not unlike flipping the mattress, right? And there is loads and loads of research (read: un-verified websites like this one) on the benefits of a flipped mattress! So, yeah, when I cannot sleep, I have learned that turning around at night can help. Insomniacs, take note.

5. Finally, and perhaps rather cheesily, my body is fragile and also fierce. 

When I had the emergency expander replacement (again, surgery #5, April 24, 2019), my plastic surgeon used both stitches and staples to close up the space where the bad skin used to be. It was the most Edward Scissorhands-y of all of my surgeries. The suture crossed my breast, from about 2:00 to 8:00, just missing the nipple. It was creepy. I couldn’t look at it. I didn’t even document it with a photo, so I can’t share the evidence with you here. (Sorry...or, perhaps, you’re welcome?) 

In the matter of a 1.5 hour surgery, my body had been opened and then sealed shut, with metal and twine and glue. For weeks after, I looked like a sewed up ragdoll from the stories (and nightmares) of my childhood. 

My skin, so delicate and yet so robust. Today, you can barely see the scar. 

When I look at my JP drain, my scars, my new breasts, my newly curly hair (it’s called “chemo curl”), I think that we, as humans, are simultaneously strong and weak. So prone to damage, and also so highly resilient. Vulnerable to illness and yet up to the challenge of fighting it. 

I don’t seek to resolve this paradox. I marvel at it sometimes. I cry about it too. I’ve lived with it for months and think it probably best to simply describe rather than explain its existence. 

I will say this. The duality of our physical reality (its fragility and its ferocity) does give me hope, for my kids and for us as a society. (When I get real dramatic I extrapolate all the way out to humankind as a whole.) 

We impart pain, we receive it, we recover. We hurt and we heal. Hopefully, we learn at least something from the process. 

It’s been seven days since my last surgery, and I’m still spending a lot of time in bed, despite a (growing) list of work to do, an impending move to another country, and a house that is just begging to be cleaned. It took six surgeries, but I now know that rest is important--indeed, necessary--for our fragile bodies to recover their strength. 

Add that to my list of lessons learned.

[mainadjacent]

Sticking to the Script (p.5)

Pairing: Gwilym Lee x Reader, one-sided Ben Hardy x Reader

Summary: You are the star of the hit TV show, “Winthrope Manor” and you’ve just got a new costar, Gwilym Lee who happens to bring around his friend, Ben Hardy, to set. You develop feelings for Ben, but they’re not well received. Lucky for you, your costar is there to help make things better.

Author’s Note: I am so sorry about how delayed this has been! I started a new job and the hours are long! Plus, I spend all day typing and looking at a computer so when I get back that not necessarily what I want to be doing. But! This is the longest chapter to date @ 3.6k!! I really did enjoy writing this too!

Warnings: Light swearing and some (fake) injury description.

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4

PART 5

“So, Lucy’s birthday is coming up,” Gwil says nonchalantly as he digs into a cardboard container of lo mein, his legs selfishly stretched out on your too-small couch.

“Yeah?” You ask, placing a bottle of wine and more takeout boxes down on the coffee table and unceremoniously push Gwil’s long legs off your couch to plop down next to him. It’s the ninth time this month that the two of you have ended up at your apartment after filming—the first being after your weird ice cream-fueled apology session.

“She’s having a party next Saturday,” Gwil throws his legs over yours and instead of protesting you prop your takeout box onto his knee, “and she asked me to invite you.” This last bit he says as he swipes the eggroll that your holding.

You send him an annoyed look, “Yeah, that sounds fun. We should probably go shopping for a present this weekend then.”

“We can make a day of it then,” Gwil says, his eyes trained on the reruns of “The Office” that you have up on your tv, “go get brunch?”

“Yeah! We can go to that place with the bottomless mimosas,” you respond excitedly.

Gwil chuckles at your enthusiasm, “You Americans love getting shitfaced in the middle of the day, don’t you?”

You stick your tongue out in response. “I didn’t hear you complaining last weekend at brunch.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he makes a point of rolling his eyes while he casually throws his arm around you and gently pulls you closer. You instinctually lean in and rest your temple on his shoulder. It’s become natural, to find yourself in this type of positions with Gwil lately.

Things have been like this for a while—the two of you would spend casual time together on set—almost like what it was like before your odd row—but now the two of you spending time together outside of work. You would often end up at your apartment after shorter shoots or out together on the weekends. It was nice, having someone to spend time with.

This, of course, everyone on set had been bugging the two of you about the status of your relationship and while this was annoying the easiest part about defining your relationship was that there really was no need to. When one of your cast members—usually the more obnoxious ones—would ask about you and Gwil you would just shrug, and not in an elusive way, you just had nothing to say. The two of you were definitely not dating and you didn’t think you were in love with him: Gwil didn’t make you nervous to be around; you didn’t spend hours agonizing about what to say to him; you weren’t ever embarrassed to speak your mind around Gwil. If sometimes you felt inclined to cuddle on the couch, you were not really inclined to think too hard about it.

You thought part of the reason you weren’t too inclined about looking into your relationship with Gwil was that you kind of already had one: Edmund’s and Violet’s courtship was going strong. There was never really a need to look into exploring the tumultuous territory of an almost-relationship because the two of you already had a perfectly scripted and rehearsed one. You could just sit back and enjoy Netflix and takeout instead. Relationships were overrated anyway.

Gwil didn’t seem too bothered by it either.  At first, you had thought spending time after his weird bar storm-out would have been…awkward. But, honestly after getting past that first uncomfortable evening, everything sort of fell into place.

“I got your favorite,” Gwil held up two pints of ice cream as you open the door of your apartment.

“Great, thanks,” you respond in a way that doesn’t quite sound genuine. The two of you stand awkwardly at the threshold to your apartment. You’re pretty sure letting him in is like making a commitment you might not be able to keep but staringrring at you expectantly, so you gesture for him to come inside.

“This is my place,” you motion around weakly to your unkempt apartment, “sorry I didn’t have time to clean, I wasn’t, um, expecting anyone.”

“Quite alright,” he walks further into your living room, “you should see my place.”

You smile tightly in response and try not to think too much about whether or not that’s an actual invitation.

You awkwardly showed Gwil to the couch and fetch some spoons before lowering yourself gently next to him, making sure to keep a wide berth between the two of you.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Gwil silently handed you your pint of ice cream and your rolled it between your hands thoughtfully.

“So, listen,” you started off, slowly, “I know you said there was nothing else for you to say back there in the parking lot but, I honestly think I deserve a better explanation for what happened that night than what you gave me. I mean, not that I didn’t appreciate what you said back there because I did, like a lot! It’s just—”

“No, you’re right, I’m sorry,” Gwil said earnestly, and something about his tone made you want to look away. He takes a deep breath.

“Listen, I was drunk that night and I’m sorry about that, I truly am. I guess the problem was that I was insecure about your relationship with Ben. I thought you only wanted to spend time with me because of him. The thing is I like you and I didn’t want that to be the only reason we spent time together. But that night, we were having such a good time and I finally began believing that we were genuine friends… and then you mention Ben and that hurt my feelings a bit, but that’s not your problem! You’re not responsible for making me feel good about myself, I was embarrassed about how hurt I was about the whole thing, so I didn’t mention it before. I guess you can say I’ve mucked it all up, though. If you don’t want me to stay that’s fine,” Gwil rose abruptly, “You can keep the ice cream—”

“Gwil!” you found yourself exclaiming, “you don’t need to leave. It’s okay.”

“You don’t have to say that,” Gwil responded weakly.

“No really, lets watch some tv or something,” you patted the seat next to you.

“I appreciate you telling me the truth,” you said, when you still see Gwil wavering. “You don’t have to lie to me though, remember?”

He smiled weakly down at you. “Right. So, you’re not mad?”

“Nah,” you said, “as long as you promise: no more lies.”

“No more lies then.”

___________

The next Saturday, you find yourself in your apartment again, this time, alone while getting ready for Lucy’s party. You’re nervous, for some reason and you’ve spent twenty minutes staring at yourself in the mirror, tugging at your dress. It was new, and you had bought it the Saturday before while you and Gwil were hunting around for Lucy’s birthday presents. You had spotted the black number in one of the vintage boutiques you had visited that day, and completely fell in love. You ended up buying it even though the price tag was a bit steeper than you were used to. Probably because Gwil had insisted you would look great in it and you had quite a few mimosas at that point. You really like it, but it felt like a bit too much, a bit too daring.

You consider changing into one of your other dresses, something you’re more comfortable in, but before you can make up your mind, you phone chimes with a text from Gwil. He’s waiting for you outside your apartment.

You grab your coat and race downstairs, your nerves thrumming and you don’t know why. The second you slide into Gwil’s car, you can tell there’s something wrong by the way he’s tensely gripping the steering wheel.

“What’s wrong?”

“I have something to tell you and if you don’t want to go that’s fine, I completely understand. If you want to go to the movies or something, maybe we can—”

“Gwil, just tell me what’s going on,” you sigh exasperatedly.

“Ben is going to be at the party tonight.”

“Oh.”

Oh. Oh.

You hadn’t really considered this as a possibility even though it was very likely that Ben was going to be at the party tonight. After all, he was Lucy’s friend too. Your mind had just been too preoccupied with other things to even mull over that possibility.

“Like I said, I can call Lucy and tell her you fell ill or something.”

“No, Gwil, really, it’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” you respond, and both you and Gwil are surprised at the honesty of your answer, “I’m not pumped to see him, but we should be there. You know, for Lucy and remember how long we spent finding that purse? Let’s just go and have a good time.”

Gwil seemed tentative about what to do, but thankfully, he didn’t push it and the two of you spent the rest of the ride over to Lucy’s talking lightly about work and other topics that aren’t Ben. You’re grateful Gwil doesn’t prod.

Despite of how nonplussed you originally felt about the reality of seeing Ben when Gwil first mentioned it, as you climb the stairs up to Lucy’s apartment, you feel your stomach jerk with a certain sense of dread that reaches its zenith as you’re standing in front of Lucy’s door. Gwil seems to sense your trepidation because he looks down at you with a concerned look on his face before reaching out and taking your hand. You’re a bit surprised by this but it seems to serve its intended purpose because you feel yourself washed over by calm. You smile weakly and squeeze his hand as if to let him know that it’s okay to knock.

Lucy and Rami answer almost immediately and they both exclaim a very enthusiastic greeting. You can tell they’re already drunk. You hand falls from Gwil’s, your private moment broken.

Lucy pulls you enthusiastically to the packed living room and while you spot some familiar faces—Joe waves at you encouragingly, almost as if he knows that something is going on and he pities you—but most people are strangers. No Ben.

Lucy shows you to the kitchen and insists on pouring you a drink while you drop of the present you and Gwil got her in a growing pile.  Lucy hands you a drink and you gulp it down a little too eagerly it would seem because she asks, “Is everything okay?”

You nod briskly and ask for another drink instead of offering any further explanation.

Before Lucy can prod—and you can tell she wants to prod—there is another knock at the door and she disappears off to answer it. In her absence you pour yourself another drink. You finish that one and pour one more.

“Woah there poppet, the party’s just getting started,” Gwil says as he comes up behind you, “You’re already two drinks in and I know for a fact Rami makes them strong. You’re not looking to get pissed are you?”

“I was making this one for you,” you smile sweetly and hand him the drink. He grins back appreciatively even though you’re pretty sure he knows your lying.

“Are you okay? You know, it’s still not too late to fake an illness,” Gwil asked, concerned.

“No, I’m fine. Besides, we can’t leave! Lucy would be so disappointed!”

Just as Gwil is about to protest further, Joe pops into the kitchen and in the midst of getting a beer informs the two of you that Ben has arrived. You exchanged a harried look with Gwil.

You don’t have time to even consider faking an illness before you spot Ben being ushered into the kitchen by Lucy. Your hand finds Gwil’s once more, as if on its own accord and the action does not go unnoticed by all those packed into Lucy’s tiny kitchen.

Gwil greats Ben enthusiastically and while Ben actively responds, you can feel his eyes flicking back to you and to the hand you have entwined with Gwil. You suddenly drop Gwil’s hand hotly under Ben’s gaze.

“Hi,” you say, suddenly bold.

“Hi,” Ben responds, seemingly taken aback.

“How are you?”

“I’m doing well. How’s ‘Winthrope’?”

“Great! We’ve almost got Meryl Streep on board,” you respond lamely.

“That’s… great.”

Lucy seems to sense the tension because she quickly interjects and offers to show you some painting in the living room you were interested in seeing. You gratefully take this as a chance to leave.

The rest of the party you spend on edge, trying to avoid Ben but making small talk when necessary. After a couple more drinks, it gets substantially easier and you can feel yourself loosening up.

The next time you accidently end up positioned next to Ben you don’t even shy away from his gaze. You feel yourself growing bolder as you hold an actual conversation with him for the first time since he disappeared. The conversation is cut relatively short, though, as Rami pulls an elaborate flower-covered cake from the kitchen and leads the party through a sloppy rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’. Lucy is blushing madly as she blows out the candles and distribute the cake while Joe, Gwil, and Rami freestyle a birthday rap for her. It’s painful to watch, no doubt, but you’re struck at how close you feel to the others in this moment. You are hit with a feeling of endearment as you see the boys making fools of themselves. Watching Gwil especially, makes your heart stir a bit unexpectedly and you are overwhelmed with the realization of just how fond you are of him. Gwil catches you staring and flashes a smile in response and your heart leaps and in that instant things get infinitely more complicated. In that moment, you realize, you like Gwil. Like really, properly, like him.

Oh.

Oh.

Your head is swimming and you’re not sure if it’s because of all the alcohol or because of this sudden revelation. Either way, you are overwhelmed with the urge to get out of the cramped apartment. You rush to the door as stealthily as possible, trying not to pull any attention from the birthday girl. You maintain calm as you exit but as soon as you’re on the other side of Lucy’s door you break out into a sprint until you’re outside the building, sitting on the sidewalk. You take a moment to collect yourself as best as you can, but you can feel your head spinning.

You don’t know how long you’re sitting, there with your head in your hands, when suddenly you hear someone call your name. At first, you think you’re imaging it but then it’s called again, and you turn behind you. Ben is standing at the entrance of the apartment building a cigarette dangling from his lips staring at you with what could pass for concern in his eyes.

“Are you alright?” he asks once he realizes he has your attention.

“Yeah, just needed some fresh air.”

You think that that might have been the end of the conversation, but to your surprise, Ben plops down next to you and offers a cigarette. You politely decline.

“You know, I’m glad you and Gwil are together. I knew I did the right thing.”

What do you mean?” you question a seemingly drunk Ben.

“Well, I stopped talking to you, because I knew how much you and Gwil liked each other and I didn’t want to get in the way.”

“What do you mean?” you demand, your head once again swimming, but this time for different reasons. How could Ben know about your feelings for Gwil when you’re just figuring them out yourself.

“Well, yeah, when I saw you two do that first scene together, I knew that Gwil had feelings for you and that you weren’t too far behind. Shame really, I liked you.”

“Ben,” your head snaps to look at him, “you ghosted me because you thought that Gwil and I were interested in each other? Even though you liked me?”

Ben nods severely like he’s admitting that what he did was incredibly noble.

You feel yourself being overwhelmed with anger, “Ben you don’t get to make that choice for me! I liked you right back and you just ghosted me—which was not cool by the way—instead of actually being straight with me. I wanted to be with you and you took that choice away from me. I like Gwil but I also liked you.”

And in a move that surprises even yourself, you storm off.

TAGS: @xbarrjallenx @alexfayer @chlobo6 @softbenhardy

[tequilajones]

I need to vent

I'm having one of my depressive episodes and my dad said that I may have to take a year off school to get help (I'm working on a bachelor's degree and he's the only way I can afford college). It sounds like I might have to go to a psych ward, probably sometime in the summer or next year. I've been geeting therapy these past few months and I don't feel any changes in my mental health. I really don't want to go to a psych ward because the idea of someone constantly watching over me sounds like my worst nightmare. I can't waive over my wellbeing to anyone but I feel I might have to. I don't want to give up internet (I have a long distance relationship and lots of internet friends) and personal freedom.

The problem is that I suffer from general anxiety disorder and depression. Today I could barely move and just felt like shit. Snapping at my dad when he invited me over for dinner and then having to explain to him why I snapped made things worse.

He has no idea how this shit works. He got angry when I told him how I was feeling and how I could barely get out of bed. He thinks it's because I ate a cheeseburger for lunch and slept from 2am to 12:30pm and that I need to go on a diet/excercise as well as sleep from 11pm-7am instead in order to "cure" my depression. I may not know what triggered my depression today but I know for a fact my diet and sleep schedule had nothing to do it.

I was diagnosed in High School and when I moved upstate for school, I had a prescription for 50 mg of Zoloft. To be honest, I only felt a bit better on meds, not a whole lot.

When I transferred schools, I had to get a new doctor and I've seen him for 2 weeks now so I am still in the evaluation process.

I only see my therapist on Fridays so I have to wait to discuss with her what I should do. My dad wants significant change ASAP or I won't be going to college next semester. I guess I could try pretending that I'm all better now and hope I can fake it long enough to get a degree by time I'm 25. That's important for me. All I want is to be completely independant. Nothing else matters as much. In order for that I want to get my degree and work full time in the film industry ASAP. Ideally as a film producer, but as long as I can afford to move from NY to LA and live there without sacrificing too much, I'd be happy.

I am considering admitting myself though despite the fear. At least I wouldn't have to worry too much about classes and such but I'm scared college would look like a walk in the park compared to a psych ward.

For starters, I like my privacy. I am a trans man who's introverted. I NEED my own space. I live in a single dorm because of this. I could handle living with people if I had my own room. I've had roommates and even though they were good people, it felt like a breath of fresh air when they would leave for the weekend or have a late class. The idea of being monitored 24/7 makes me think of 1984 and it's a dystopian novel for a reason.

2, I need to access the internet and my phone. I'm not addicted, I just don't want to cut off contact with people in my life who I care deeply about but are miles away. My boyfriend lives in New Mexico and I live in New York. We can only see each other through social media and video calls. I doubt the psych ward would let me keep my phone or my laptop for this.

3, my only points of reference are One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (movie, idk what year), American Horror Story Asylum and various stories shared online (even the positive ones make my stomach drop).

4, I have a slight phobia of hospitals. My mom died of breast cancer in one and I want to avoid hospitals more than the average person.

5, I have been raised by a control freak father. It's been hell. I hate being told what to do. The idea of someone having complete control over me is my actual worst nightmare. The only thing keeping me sane now is when I CAN break and bend the rules. I want freedom more than anything else. Freedom from my controlling father, freedom from my mental illnesses and freedom from being a broke college kid.

6, I'm transgender. This is a whole other can of worms. Lot of people consider that a mental illness. I don't wanna be locked up because I'm a dude in a chick's body. Also I hate being forced to room with girls. I'm a feminist and I have lots of girl friends but it's kinda frustratint when I, a guy, has to share a room with a girl because we share the same type of genitalia. It's basically the estanlishment misgendering me and I hate it. So unless my roommate is also a trans guy, it could be awkward.

7, even if I voluntarily admit myself, I can't easily walk out. If the place turns out to be a hellhole, I might not be able to say "y'know what, fuck this, I'm outta here". Legally they could keep me there til the day I die, against my will. I'm gonna need a shit ton of trust if I choose to go through with this.

Those are the reasons why I DON'T WANT to go to a psych ward. But here are the reasons why I might HAVE TO.

1, I'm always stressed out. The only thing that helps is having hyperfixations on shit like kpop and/or video games (mainly assassin's creed).

2, I might have a mania problem. I've always been impulsive but this year, I've been going to 1 concert per month and as great as I feel about going to these concerts and having fun. In retrospect, I'm starting to think going to concerts every month to give me something to look forward to might not actually be healthy, not to mention expensive, especially when I make $11/hr at a job that's lately been giving me 4 hours per week shifts. Sure, my dad pays for most of my necessary expenses but I need to learn how to be frugal. And this isn't helping my already bad impulse-spending habit.

3, when I am having a depressed episode, I can barely get out of bed and it has caused problems for me that I want to prevent in the future. I already flunked out of one school because I was too depressed to go to classes, I can't afford to do the same here or when I start working full time. I gotta get this shit under control asap.

4, while I'm not suicidal (not as appealing when you believe in reincarnation), wanting to completely disappear from existence is still pretty shitty.

5, when it comes to mental health, I have no idea what the everloving fuck I'm doing. I want to get better and I AM going to therapy but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I need help. As much as I hate to admit it, I need help. I really do. I just don't know what else I can do to get better.

I know I made this to get it off my chest and help me rationalize all the thoughts going on in my head. But if you have any other ideas or advice/recommendations, please pm them to me. I'm actually scared.