#there are so many identities within the aro and ace spectrums

[greenteaandtattoos]

aphobes are just jealous. like, yeah, we live our lives outside the fundamental societal norm, even beyond the queer community. we're just that rad. you wish you could be like us. go throw a tantrum about it somewhere else.

[romancerepulsed]

aspec terms for beginners!

since it's trending right now, i feel like it might be helpful to clear up some basic aspec (but particularly aromantic, as we are the center of attention currently) terms. if you have absolutely any questions, i would be happy to answer, either in the replies, dms, or my inbox!

★・・・・・・★

the split attraction model (SAM): a model of human behavior that posits that, for some people, romantic and sexual attraction are not the same.

[most often this will come in the form of someone being aspec on one axis and allo (not aspec) on another. for example, a biromantic asexual may be romantically attracted to two or more genders, but sexually attracted to none. some people may even use SAM for allo identities– a bisexual lesbian may be sexually attracted to multiple genders, but only romantically attracted to women (note that this is not the only way that someone can be an mspec lesbian, just one way!). the SAM does not apply to everybody, not even all aspecs! there are non-SAM aros, for instance, who do not differentiate their aromanticism from their sexuality.]

aspec: a collection of queer spectrums centered around the lack of a certain attraction or identity. the most common spectrums under the aspec umbrella are asexual, aromantic, agender, and aplatonic, though there are many other ways to be aspec.

asexual: experiencing little to no sexual attraction.

[aces can still have sex– whether its because they experience some amount of sexual attraction or they just want to participate in sex because they find the act appealing in some other way. that being said, there are still plenty of aces who have not and will never have sex. it is a spectrum.]

aromantic: experiencing little to no romantic attraction.

[aros can still have romantic partners– whether its because they experience some amount of romantic attraction or they just find relationships appealing in some other way. that being said, there are still plenty of aros who have not and will never be in a romantic relationship. it is a spectrum.]

agender: having no gender or little relation to any gender.

aplatonic: experiencing little to no platonic attraction.

[similarly to aros and aces, apls can still form friendships if they so desire– whether its because they experience some amount of platonic attraction or they find friendships appealing in some other way.]

aroallo: combination of aromantic and allosexual– allosexual being someone who fully experiences sexual attraction. an aroallo, then, is someone who is aromantic but not asexual. aroallos often do not have a standard relationship with sex due to its romantic connotations and the stigma against loveless sex. someone having sex with someone else they do not love does not inherently make them aroallo, much in the same way that having a nonsexual relationship with a partner doesn't inherently make either participant asexual.

aroace: someone who is both aromantic and asexual. because aro and ace are both spectrums, an aroace may still experience some amount of attraction on either or both of those spectrums, or they may experience attraction of some other kind (platonic, tertiary, etc.), and that attraction may be only for a certain gender or genders– these are known as oriented aroaces.

queerplatonic relationship: a type of relationship that is defined only by the people within it. i have a post dedicated to explaining this in larger detail.

partnering: an aspec (usually aromantic) person who has and/or desires to have a partnership or multiple partnerships– romantic, queerplatonic, or otherwise.

non-partnering: an aspec (usually aromantic) person who has no desire to form a partnership of any kind.

romance/sex/plato favorable: an aspec who desires or would not reject a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship. they are also generally not particularly bothered by seeing these relationships in their day-to-day.

romance/sex/plato repulsed: an aspec who does not desire a romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship and generally does not like seeing those relationships in their day-to-day. [x] repulsed people are not necessarily judgemental towards people who desire or participate in those relationships, they just do not desire them for themselves. repulsion often takes the form of discomfort or annoyance. [x] repulsed people are not necessarily cruel sticks-in-the-mud– they are perfectly capable of being respectful, and they very often are. repulsion does not always stem from trauma, though it certainly can.

romance/sex/plato positive: not to be confused with favorability, [x] positivity is the belief that romance, sex, and platonic relationships are human rights that should be supported and uplifted. someone can be [x] repulsed and [x] positive at the same time, because favorability/repulsion revolves around the self, and positivity/negativity extends to others.

sex/romance/plato negative: not to be confused with repulsion, [x] negativity is an inherently judgemental and harmful ideology. most commonly in the form of sex negativity, these ideologies are centered around the opposition to or personal judgement of people who engage in romance, sex, or platonic relationships. sex negativity in particular is embedded in western white supremacist societies and it is important for aspecs not to play into that.

those are the basics, but i have more information below the cut!

★・・・・・・★

> how are aspecs queer?

aspecs are queer because "queer" does not only mean LGBT. queer theory is about far more than just LGBT people– though they are undeniably a large part of it– queerness is any subversion of the traditional cisheteronormative standard. this includes things that cishets may take part in/identify with, because you do not have to be LGBT to subvert those standards. cishets who are gender-nonconforming are queer, for example. a good rule of thumb is that if you have to explain what you whole deal is to cishets, you're queer. queer does mean strange, after all.

traditional cisheteronormative conceptions of attraction, gender, and relationships do not account for aspecs. it is expected that everyone will one day form a traditional partnership with one other person, and that relationship will include sex (even if only for procreation, under some dogmas). virginity past a certain age is seen as a point of shame and something indicative of a larger problem in someone– in men, a red flag even. people past 30 without a relationship are pitied. our economic structure is build for couples and families– it's near impossible for someone to live comfortably alone. romance, friendship, and love are placed on a pedestal, treated as the meaning of life, the best thing anyone could ever experience. "love is the point of everything," as many posts on this site like to claim. people who reject these ideas are undeniably queer.

> i can get behind aros and aces, but the whole "aplatonic" thing feels like a stretch to me. how is not having friends queer? "platonic attraction" isn't even real.

aplatonicism is more than just "not having friends," and many apls have friends anyway, much in the same way that aros can date and aces can have sex. someone who does not have friends is not inherently aplatonic, they only are if they identify that little-to-no platonic attraction in themselves and choose to label themselves that way (just like how virgins aren't inherently asexual). still, apls who don't have friends exist, and they are all queer. what is a greater subversion of traditional cisheteronormative relationship structures than an outright rejection of what's seen as the most basic, fundamental relationship our culture has to offer?

you may not feel that platonic attraction is a distinct phenomenon in your own experience, and that's fine! ultimately, a lot of aspec terms exist for the utility and comfort of aspecs themselves. the SAM isn't for everyone, and platonic attraction isn't for everyone either. you do not have the authority to tell people what their own experiences are, nor should you care.

> i think it's sad that you're limiting yourself with these labels. you'll find someone one day!

for the broad majority of aspecs, our identities are not self-disciplinary, nor are they necessarily permanent. all queer people are capable of misunderstanding their identity or having a fluid identity– it is not a problem unique to being aspec. that being said, a lot of us may always be aspec and completely happy with it. being aspec is not a tragedy. the only thing i don't like about being aromantic is the judgement i receive from other people about it. non-partnering aspecs are not "missing out" on anything, because we don't even want the things we're rejecting in the first place. many of us are romance/sex/plato repulsed and are far more happy engaging with the world and with other people in different ways, because there is so, so much more to life than relationships, and it's wrong to presume that relationships are universally fit for everybody. telling an aspec that they'll find "the right person" one day is no different from telling a lesbian she'll find "the right man" one day. there is no "right person" for an aspec just as there's no "right man" for a lesbian. a lesbian is not "missing out" on a heterosexual relationship just because it's culturally perceived as superior and more fulfilling.

[disclaimer before anyone tries to do a "gotcha," i'm talking about a lesbian who is fully not attracted to men in any way. it's not like homophobes know the intricacies of gender identity and nonconformity as it pertains to homosexuality anyways.]

lastly, i wanna give a special shout out to the loveless aros and the relationship anarchists.

loveless aros are those who either feel little-to-no love as they understand it, or they are someone who supports the de-centering of love. they're worthy of a whole post of their own, but in summary: the loveless experience is all about finding joy in yourself and the countless things our world has to offer that are not dependent on the vague idea of love.

relationship anarchy is another concept worthy of its own post, but in essence it's an ideology aimed at abolishing the standard hierarchy of relationships (in the USA, depending on who you ask, its typically friendship < family < romantic partnership or friendship < romantic partnership < family) and allowing everyone the autonomy to define their relationships for themselves.

if i made any mistakes, let me know! and of course i'm willing to answer any questions anyone may have. :-3 thanks for reading my long ass post!

[lying-on-floors]

Just because a character is aro/ace does not mean they can't form close bonds, or have romantic partners, or have sex.

Aro/ace is an identification, but it's also a spectrum.

Aromantic is an identity and spectrum. Some aromantic people feel no romance and have no desire for the intimacy that comes with romantic relationships. Other aromantic people may feel the desire for the intimacy that romance brings, but have never felt romantic feelings, or they have, but they can't distinguish between platonic feelings and romantic feelings. Some aromantic people may only feel romance once they've formed a close bond with another person. Some aromantic people, like myself, have not really felt romance but has a desire to and hopes that, one day, they can find someone, who is patient and loving and willing, to help them figure it out. And some aromantic people fluctuate, from feeling romance to not feeling it, at all.

Asexuality is an identity and spectrum. Some asexual people are touch averse and have no desire for sexual activites, alone or with others. Other asexual people may feel the desire for sexual activities but have no attraction to another person. Some asexual people are attracted to someone but just don't care for sex. Some asexual people do feel attraction and is okay with having sex with another person but they have no desire to be touched by their partner. Some asexual people may fluctuate, from feeling attraction to not feeling any. And some asexual people only feel attraction once they've formed a close bond with that person.

There are so many more identities within the aro/ace spectrum but these are just a few, and just because someone is aromantic, does not mean they're asexual and vice versa. Sometimes, someone is both aromantic and asexual but that does not invalidate them or their experiences.

So, you can headcanon whatever you like about a canonically aro/ace character, but PLEASE do not erase their aro/ace identity all together.

I would like to clarify that this post is not specifically about zolu, and I have no problem with people going against popular headcanons, it just got me thinking about aro/ace erasuer, which as an aro/ace person, truly effects me and I just, hate to see it. I would also like to add, I understand Luffy isn't canonically aro/ace, it's a popular headcanon, it just reminded me of my feelings on aro/ace erasure. If you look at my profile, this post has been in my head for a little while. Sorry for any misconceptions. /Gen

[ryttu3k]

Is it possible to be aro without being ace?

The extremely short version: yes, absolutely! You may want to look up the term 'aroallo'.

This post got huge (nearly a thousand words), so below the cut it goes for A Lot of detail!

With the disclaimer that I'm aro-ace personally and so this isn't my personal experience, yes, absolutely! The split attraction model (first proposed in 1879, later repopularised exactly a century later in 1979, with the aspec community in particular embracing it from around 2005 when the term 'aromantic' was first used, and coining the term 'split attraction model' specifically around 2015) says that romantic orientation and sexual orientation don't necessarily have to be the same thing.

A lot of the times, these orientations are congruent - someone who's panromantic pansexual, for instance, who might just describe themself as pan (or pansexual without differentiating the panromantic part), or aromantic asexual. They can also diverge - someone might be, say, homoromantic bisexual (romantically attracted only to the same gender, sexually attracted to two or more genders).

The aspec community does use it more in particular, I've noticed, although jury is still out on whether aspec people genuinely do have a higher instance of split attraction, or whether there are sociocultural reasons behind it (the term originating largely in the community).

So, some definitions! Aromantic = not romantically attracted to anyone. Arospec = on the aromantic spectrum, including aromantic, demiromantic, etc. Often uses qualifiers to describe who the attraction is towards. Alloromantic = romantically attracted to people. Asexual = not sexually attracted to anyone. Acespec = on the asexual spectrum, including asexual, demisexual, etc. Allosexual = sexually attracted to people. Aspec = pertaining to the arospectrum and acespectrum. Allospec = pertaining to alloromantic and allosexual people.

Then you can basically mix and match to describe your experience! Let's say you're romantically attracted potentially to all genders, but only after a strong emotional connection develops, and not sexually attracted to anyone. You could describe yourself as demi-panromantic asexual, or, more simplified, as arospec ace. Or, let's say you're a man romantically attracted to men, and sexually attracted to men and androgynous people. You could describe yourself as homoromantic bisexual. Or, if that same dude wasn't sexually attracted to anyone, he'd be homoromantic asexual, and could use 'alloace' as shorthand - alloromantic, asexual.

And yes, that absolutely includes being not romantically attracted to anyone (aromantic) and sexually attracted to others (allosexual, which can be described further - homosexual, bisexual, et cetera). As an umbrella term, you could use the term 'aroallo', which does seem to be the most popular term to use, both as a Tumblr tag and as a subreddit (r/aroallo). Probably on other socials but I don't use those XD;;

(Aro-ace specifically seems to use both 'aro-ace' and 'aroace'. I use the former. AFAIK, aroallo and alloace mostly use the non-hyphen version, but again, not much personal experience there.)

An important disclaimer - orientation is messy and imprecise. We use language to try to give some sort of definition, but it's not a black and white thing. People may describe themselves with apparently contradictory terms, like ace lesbian or the like. This is largely due to those spectra (the arospectrum and acespectrum) being huge. There are so many ways to be on those spectra! A small selection of acespec identities include not just asexual, demisexual, and grey asexual, but aceflux (sexual orientation fluctuates, either solely within the ace spectrum or between no and some/a lot of attraction), aegosexual (someone who experiences a disconnect between themselves and the target of arousal, ie. someone who experiences sexual attraction towards others but without themself being in the picture; I've found a lot of people in fandom fit aego, where they're sexually attracted to, say, two fictional characters but they never insert themself into the scene), cupiosexual (asexual or acespec, but still desires sexual actions despite not feeling sexual attraction towards a partner; someone who is otherwise ace but enjoys sex with their partner as a method of being close may describe themself as cupiosexual), etc.

There are also various views towards orientation, sort of along two spectra. One of these spectra is about how you view sex in general, between positive (sex, conceptually and in general, is a good thing!), neutral (sex sure is a thing that exists!), and negative (sex, conceptually and in general, is a bad thing!). Then, there's how you feel about it for yourself - sex-favourable means that even if you're ace, you may enjoy sex for assorted reasons (see: cupio), sex-indifferent means, eh, you don't have strong feelings about having it yourself, and sex-averse is "no thank you not for me!!", with sex-repulsed being considered a stronger variation ("sex is Ew and I don't want to even think about it") that can fit on either spectrum. I would consider myself sex-positive (leaning more towards neutral, I don't think it's a negative thing but it can be used in that way, like any sort of relationship) and sex-averse (no thank you not for me!!). A sex-positive and -averse person may still enjoy erotica; a sex-neutral and -favourable person may enjoy being intimate with a partner even if sex itself is just kind of. A thing.

This has got extremely long-winded, but the short version is: yes, it is absolutely possible to be aro without being ace. The split attraction describes that precisely, and precise definitions of attraction are imprecise and fiddly and can only really give an approximation of individual experiences, and all of these terms are optional anyway - but yes, very possible, often called aroallo.

I hope this helps! :D

[hayatheauthor]

Can I request? How write asexual romance?

I meant kind confuse since romance and sexual are almost same thing, so how that work between 2 person that love in romqntic way but no sexual from them or an asexual person with ordinary person

Crafting Asexual Romance: Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Fiction

Writing asexual romance can be both rewarding and challenging. It requires a delicate balance of understanding, empathy, and creativity to authentically capture the emotional depth and complexity of such relationships.

Whether you're a seasoned writer looking to expand your repertoire or a newcomer eager to explore diverse narratives, this guide aims to provide valuable insights into crafting compelling asexual relationships in fiction.

Understanding Asexuality

Before delving into the intricacies of writing asexual romance, it's crucial to develop a clear understanding of what asexuality entails. Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. Individuals who identify as asexual may still experience romantic attraction, emotional intimacy, and desire for companionship, but they do not experience sexual attraction in the same way as aromantic people.

It’s important to note that asexuality isn’t something a character/person can change with time. You can’t have an ace character who suddenly is physically attracted to their love interest near the end of the book. They, quite literally, do not feel sexual arousal for others, and this isn’t something you can ‘overcome’ or ‘undo’. This is also why it’s important to label your characters correctly and recognise the difference between celibacy and asexuality. 

It's essential to recognize that asexuality exists on a spectrum, with individuals experiencing varying degrees of sexual attraction or lack thereof. Some asexual individuals may identify as aromantic, meaning they do not experience romantic attraction either, while others may actively seek romantic relationships.

It’s important to create authentic and inclusive representation in our books. I personally prefer reading novels with lesser romance, so reading about an ace character would certainly be up my ally! If you have any aro/ace recommendations, be sure to comment them! 

Dos And Don’ts Of Asexual Romance in Fiction

When incorporating asexual romance into your writing, one common misconception to avoid is equating asexuality with a lack of romantic or emotional depth. Asexual individuals are fully capable of experiencing love and forming strong emotional bonds with others. In fact, many asexual individuals prioritize emotional connection in their relationships, seeking partners who understand and respect their orientation.

Asexual characters can serve as compelling protagonists in romantic storylines, offering readers a fresh perspective on relationships that extends beyond the confines of sexual attraction. This requires thoughtful consideration of character development, relationship dynamics, and communication. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Dos:

Research and understand asexuality: Take the time to learn about asexuality and the diverse experiences within the ace community. This will help you create authentic and respectful portrayals of asexual characters.

Focus on emotional intimacy: Highlight the emotional connection between characters, emphasizing shared interests, values, and experiences that deepen their bond.

Explore diverse romantic expressions: Recognize that asexual characters may express love and affection in various ways, from heartfelt conversations to acts of kindness and support.

Incorporate consent and communication: Prioritize clear and open communication between characters, allowing them to discuss their boundaries, desires, and expectations in the relationship.

Include diverse perspectives: Represent a range of asexual experiences in your writing, acknowledging that asexuality intersects with other identities and experiences.

Don'ts:

Fetishize or pathologize asexuality: Avoid portraying asexuality as a novelty or using it as a plot device for shock value. Respect asexual characters as fully realized individuals with agency and autonomy.

Assume asexuality means aromanticism: While some asexual individuals may also identify as aromantic, many experience romantic attraction and desire romantic relationships. Avoid conflating asexuality with aromanticism.

Overemphasize the absence of sex: While sexual activity may not be central to the relationship, focus on the emotional connection and intimacy shared between characters rather than fixating on the absence of sexual activity.

Neglect character development: Give asexual characters depth and complexity beyond their orientation. Explore their backgrounds, motivations, and aspirations to create well-rounded and relatable protagonists.

Ignore feedback from ace readers: Seek feedback from asexual readers and sensitivity readers to ensure your portrayal of asexual characters is accurate, respectful, and affirming.

By approaching asexual romance with sensitivity, empathy, and authenticity, you can create compelling and inclusive stories that resonate with readers across the spectrum of sexual orientations and identities.

Developing Asexual Characters

When crafting asexual characters for your story, it's essential to approach their portrayal with care and authenticity. Asexual individuals, like all people, are multifaceted and unique, and their experiences of love, relationships, and identity can vary widely. Here are some key considerations for developing asexual characters:

Establishing Asexual Identity: Begin by determining your character's asexual identity and how they understand and experience their orientation. Some asexual individuals may have known from a young age that they were asexual, while others may come to understand their identity later in life. Consider how your character's asexuality intersects with other aspects of their identity, such as their culture and personal experiences.

Exploring Romantic Orientation: Asexual individuals can experience a range of romantic orientations, from aromantic to biromantic, panromantic, or heteroromantic. Determine how your character experiences romantic attraction, if at all, and how this aspect of their identity shapes their relationships and interactions with others.

Building Relationships: As you develop your character's relationships, consider how their asexuality influences their approach to romance, intimacy, and partnership. Asexual characters may seek out romantic connections that prioritize emotional intimacy, companionship, and mutual respect over physical attraction. 

Addressing Stereotypes: Avoid falling into common stereotypes or misconceptions about asexuality in your portrayal of asexual characters. While some asexual individuals may lack interest in romantic or sexual relationships, others may actively seek out and engage in romantic partnerships. 

Incorporating Intersectionality: Consider how your character's asexual identity intersects with other aspects of their identity, such as race, ethnicity, disability, or socioeconomic status. Acknowledge the unique challenges and experiences that may arise from these intersections and strive to create nuanced and authentic portrayals of asexual characters.

Creating Asexual Romances

Crafting asexual romances requires a nuanced approach that emphasizes emotional connection, communication, and mutual understanding. Here are some tips for writing compelling asexual romances:

Focus on Emotional Intimacy: In asexual romances, emotional connection takes center stage. Instead of relying on physical attraction or sexual tension to drive the relationship, emphasize the deep emotional bond between your characters. Explore the ways in which they support and care for each other, share intimate moments, and navigate challenges together.

Communicate Openly: Communication is key in any relationship, but it's especially important in asexual romances where partners may have different needs and boundaries. Encourage your characters to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings, desires, and expectations. 

Respect Boundaries: Asexual characters may have unique boundaries and comfort levels when it comes to physical intimacy. Respect your characters' boundaries and preferences, and avoid pressuring them into situations that make them uncomfortable. Focus on building intimacy through non-sexual gestures, such as hand-holding, cuddling, or sharing meaningful experiences together.

Explore Different Relationship Dynamics: Asexual romances can take many forms, from platonic partnerships to committed romantic relationships. Consider the dynamics that best suit your characters and their individual needs and desires. Whether they're best friends who support each other unconditionally or romantic partners who share a deep emotional bond, prioritize authenticity and respect in depicting their relationship.

Challenge Stereotypes: Asexual romances provide an opportunity to challenge stereotypes and misconceptions about love and relationships. Avoid portraying asexual characters as emotionless or incapable of love, and instead highlight the richness and complexity of their romantic experiences. 

Embrace Diversity: Asexual characters, like all characters, come from diverse backgrounds and experiences. Consider incorporating intersectional identities and perspectives into your romances to reflect the complexity of human relationships.

By approaching asexual romances with sensitivity, empathy, and authenticity, you can create compelling narratives that resonate with readers and challenge conventional notions of love and intimacy.

Crafting Emotionally Charged Romance Scenes

Writing romance scenes that prioritize emotional intimacy over physical interaction can add depth and resonance to your asexual romances. Here are some ideas for creating emotionally charged romance scenes:

Meaningful Conversations: Instead of relying solely on physical gestures or romantic clichés, focus on meaningful conversations between your characters. Use dialogue to explore their innermost thoughts, fears, and desires, and delve into the complexities of their emotional connection. 

Shared Experiences: Create opportunities for your characters to share intimate experiences that strengthen their emotional connection. Whether it's watching a beautiful sunset together, exploring a new city hand in hand, or sharing a quiet moment of reflection in nature, these shared moments can deepen their sense of closeness and build trust between them. 

Vulnerability and Support: Showcasing moments of vulnerability and support can highlight the depth of your characters' emotional bond. Allow your characters to open up to each other about their fears, insecurities, and past traumas, and explore how they offer comfort, reassurance, and understanding in return. 

Gestures of Affection: While physical intimacy may not be a focal point of your romance scenes, you can still incorporate subtle gestures of affection that convey love and tenderness. Consider incorporating acts of kindness, such as cooking a favorite meal, leaving notes of encouragement, or offering a comforting embrace during times of need.

Emotional Resonance: Infuse your romance scenes with emotional resonance by tapping into universal themes of love, longing, and connection. Explore the nuances of your characters' emotions, from the exhilaration of new love to the comfort of familiar companionship, and allow these feelings to permeate every interaction and exchange. 

By prioritizing emotional intimacy and connection in your romance scenes, you can create compelling narratives that celebrate the depth and complexity of asexual relationships. 

I hope this blog on Crafting Asexual Romance and Navigating Emotional Intimacy in Fiction will help you in your writing journey. Be sure to comment any tips of your own to help your fellow authors prosper, and follow my blog for new blog updates every Monday and Thursday.  

Looking For More Writing Tips And Tricks? 

Are you an author looking for writing tips and tricks to better your manuscript? Or do you want to learn about how to get a literary agent, get published and properly market your book? Consider checking out the rest of Haya’s book blog where I post writing and publishing tips for authors every Monday and Thursday! And don’t forget to head over to my TikTok and Instagram profiles @hayatheauthor to learn more about my WIP and writing journey! 

[our-aroace-experience]

My story started out like any other. I was in kindergarten and I found out a boy had a crush on me. Okay, this is a bit early to be starting, but I was a bit young when I found out.

Anyway, a kid I had know all of half that year had a crush on me. Somehow. I don’t think I did anything about it cause I was too busy coloring in the lines of a crocodile and being mad that I missed the basket-making craft for Valentine’s Day.

later, when I was in fifth grade, Covid hit. I was forced into homeschooling, and eventually online schooling. I was in fifth grade, so I didn’t have much access to the Internet yet, but I did find out about the lgbtq+ community. Someone had started dating their best friend, and they seemed happy, so I decided I wanted something like that. I decided I was Bi, because zero+zero=two I guess, and left it alone for the whole year. When I got back to 6th grade, I was asked about my crush. I panicked and chose a guy who I had been friends with since like first grade, and then immediately went back on it the next day.

Towards the middle of the year, I met a guy(notice how all the suspects are guys) who I was really good friends with. Eventually a rumor got out that we were dating, and we fell apart. Within the next week I learned about Asexual, and I felt like that fit me. It wasn’t until the end of the year that I learned about aromantic, and eventually Aro/Ace.

but nobody believed me, because why wouldn’t they, they hadn’t heard of it before.

to this day not many people believe me, and I’ve had multiple people make fun of me for it. But who cares! They don’t know about it and I’m not gonna explain the whole spectrum(s) to them. They can live their life how they want, and leave me THE FUCK ALONE

anyway, thank you for listening to my Ted talk <3

i’m glad you don’t listen to those who don’t understand or believe in your identity!

[compacflt]

I was wondering if you had thoughts about how Ice and Mav's politics don't fully align with their actions? There was a post where you said Ice's politics are more socially liberal than Mav's but Mav is also the one who goes out to La Jolla to hit on guys before Ice, and later again when he's broken up with Ice, but Ice only goes out with women out of fear for his honor or whatever. Same with their respective thoughts on feminism, with Mav's mild respect for Charlie (telling Ice not all women fit the stereotype) but later Ice is the one who sends Juno to Mav's Top Gun class without telling him she's a woman and Ice has a respectful friendship with Juno. I think you said Ice is vaguely on the ace-aro spectrum (demi-homoromantic) which is a sort of fascinating irony that he doesn't have the words for it whereas Mav is the one with the theories about Ice's sexuality. Though with their hypocrisies and inconsistencies this all just feeds into their characterizations of the fact that they keep divorcing their actions from their spoken words from their identities.

okay going to take this point by point

1. yes i have addressed their politics in relation to their actions before, so maybe read this post and this post before you read this one, just to see where my other thoughts line up

2. gay republicans and conservatives do exist (at the very least certainly republicans and conservatives who have gay sex in secret)

3. before maverick is a political actor he is a human being, and the characterization that we are primarily given for him is that he is impulsive and reckless and doesn’t think through his actions. As ive written about many times before—from a story construction standpoint, his thoughtlessness is his number one most important character trait. He is both thoughtlessly dangerous (his hero’s “fatal flaw;” he can’t stop himself from making bad decisions) and thoughtlessly brilliant (the navy’s best and most daring and heroic pilot). He does what he wants without thinking about it; and he makes excuses and hollow promises whenever that plan doesn’t work out (“I know better than that. It will never ever happen again;” [it happens again] “I’m not gonna let you down. I promise.” [goose dies shortly thereafter]). His thoughtless impulsiveness overrides everything else. Maybe the act of having gay sex (to address your “he gets fucked in La Jolla before ice” point) is politically subversive, but for Maverick’s thoughtless character that we are shown in Top Gun, the most subversive possible thing would be to LABEL the gay sex and think through the consequences of it. To call a spade a spade and call himself gay or bi or queer or whatever. That would be the most subversive (and with mav, entirely unbelievable imo) possible thing. That takes conscious effort of thought, something maverick is near-incapable of doing. As long as he can get away with it without thinking about it, he’s politically in the clear, with regards to his character & character arc. If that makes sense. “Don’t think. Just do.” That’s literally his motto lmfao. He represents thoughtless action as an archetype; his politics come secondary to his desires

4. Their “respective thoughts on feminism” are divided into two camps: 1. “Professional as required by the law” and 2. “Sex pest mode.” They’re naval officers in the 1980s. Whether republican or democrat, that’s kind of par for the course. How men treat women can be a performance to other men. Any respect i made them show towards women had broader, more metatextual “need to move the conversation/story from A to B” reasoning behind it. See the first post I linked for much more on that.

5. i never said ice was on the ace/aro spectrum, or if i did i DEFINITELY meant it sarcastically. That could not be further from what i believe. This isn’t something I’ve ever discussed on this blog before, but a MASSIVE part of the philosophical discussion I’ve been trying to moderate within this project over the last year is the question— “do labels even work with characters under these very specific and extraordinarily extreme conditions and societal pressures?” It’s a question I took from my time studying early American history—the contexts of certain environments, and I would definitely count the elite officer ranks of the navy in the 90s and 2000s as one of these certain environments, simply Are Not Conducive to the easier (path of least resistance maybe) ways we civilians handle sexuality and friendship and trauma. There are so many variables and external and internal pressures within an environment like the upper ranks of career navy officers that sexual orientation labels lose all nuance and accuracy. I don’t think Ice (as i have written him) is gay. I don’t think he’s straight. I don’t think he’s bi. I think he’s an unlabelable product of too many variables for labels to have any effect on how he is perceived. Which, in our society built around labels and categories, is admittedly difficult to wrestle with. But doesn’t make it any less worth wrestling with.

6. Yes, ice and mav’s hypocrisy is the linchpin of the entire story.

They’re both trying to have their cake (“honor” and moral superiority based on the harmful traditional subjective morals arbitrated by elite navy officership) and eat it too (a fulfilling relationship with the love of their lives). & the point is that they cant. they have to settle for one.

[an-aro-without-an-ace]

Step One To Using This Blog Again, REVIVE LTAI (Let's Talk About It, a series where I grab a topic from the community and talk about it, WOOOO)

LTAI Part Four, Sex Negativity

So, unfortunately, there is an attitude floating around the aspec community that comes up from time to time that is extremely harmful. It's harmful not just to the community as a whole but specifically to alloaro and sex positive ace members. Sex negativity, let's talk about it.

What Is Sex Negativity?

Sex Negativity is the attitude or belief that sex is inherently bad or immoral. A very small but sometimes very vocal section of the community expresses this attitude. It's something I and many other alloaro's have faced when interacting with aspec spaces. Common sex negative things you might see are posts expressing how sex is disgusting, anyone who feels sexual attraction is bad or wrong, and just generally making fun of allosexual's and their attractions.

Sex Negativity Vs. Sex Repulsion

There is a very important distinction to make between Sex Negativity and Sex Repulsion. Sex Repulsion is an entirely valid feeling and should be just as accepted as Romance Repulsion in the aspec community. People who are sex repulsed don't impose their repulsion on others. To simplify my point a little, and make it clearer:

Sex Repulsion: "I am repulsed by sex personally, but have no issues regarding if others have sex or not" (Valid)

Sex Negativity: "I am repulsed by sex, and believe anyone who has sex is immoral or bad" (Not Valid)

Combating Sex Negativity In The Aspec Community

To keep things simple, heres a list of ways you can help combat and curb Sex Negativity within the aspec community, and make it a much more welcoming place for allosexual and sex positive members:

Calling out posts displaying Sex Negative attitudes

Uplifting alloaro and sex positive voices (within general aspec spaces)

Understanding that alloaro's and sex positive aces are an important part of the aspec community, and shouldn't be othered or pushed aside because of their relationship with sex

While obviously not a super comprehensive list, those are just a few little things that can be done to help curb this attitude in the community. The aspec community is for all aspec identities, from aces, to aroaces, to alloaros and every identity on the ace and aro spectrums respectively. We need to be mindful of that when expressing ourselves and our beliefs. We share this space with each other, and it should be welcoming to everyone within the bounds of the aspectrum. Peace out losers 🍍

[romanoffsbish]

I will NOT be posting the nonsense left in my inbox tagging/calling others out. To take this a step further I’m actually not posting any hate ever again. I don’t need to defend myself (or others) to miserable strangers on this app.

I do however want to respond to the topic at hand because by default you are calling me ace-phobic as well and that’s a falsehood.

If you have a problem with how we write a fictional character (that isn’t actually canon as anything because MCU and Marvel Comics are not tied together by a blood vessel) then you can easily leave our blogs behind. You’re not shackled to any fic writers page. Yelena Belova is comically known as an enemy of Natasha, not her sister. Alexei was her husband. Natasha once ate Peter Parker. Thanos tore Tony in half.

The point I’m making is comic /=/ movie canon.

——

To also let you know, there’s huge talk that Yelena & Bucky are romantically involved in their newest project. People also saw the chemistry between Flo/Hailee and shipped Yelena with Kate before the Ace discourse had started (and continued to b/c it is their right).

There’s nothing but love for those who fall under the Ace umbrella here on my blog, and I say it that way because it is a spectrum, not a one size fits all identity. Start by understanding that ace doesn’t mean celibate. For you, and others it might, but for many it doesn’t. So the no smut does not even add to your argument. I’m aware that Yelena being hinted as ace might have excited you, given you a sense of visibility you’ve never seen in the mainstream (and you all do deserve such types of representation) but turning a Tumblr fandom toxic because they don’t see her the same isn’t fair. Especially because there’s no “proof” of her identity, “Probably more likely to identify as asexual,” is not a canon statement. If you’re here because a single Black Widow writer made an assumption based on a solo project they were involved in then you’re also not going to hit with anything credible because these writers do not talk to the heads when they make comments. They also don’t dictate a character’s future arc.

For further discourse I will defer you to this reddit link written by an individual who seems to identify somewhere within the spectrum.

I myself have written Yelena in all facets. I have written romantic, 1 smut, and I’m in the process of putting together a requested platonic one. It is not a malicious way to erase her potential aro/ace identity. It’s just to see her how I do.

Fanfic has always been about taking characters and running with your desires. Natasha has been turned into a vampire, witch, werewolf, lawyer, CEO, princess, stripper, Lesbian/Bi and the list goes on because interpretations vary wildly. Nothing we write is canon to the world, it is only to the writer / and interested readers.

[jrhartauthor]

When it comes to writing contemporary romance, there are certain expectations that readers may have:

A happily ever after or happy for now ending (HEA or HFN)

Chemistry between the main character and love interest

Intimacy

But when it comes to the last point, it’s high time to recognize that intimacy comes in different forms. For one, not every book needs on-page sexual intimacy. Many writers choose a closed-door sex scene, or to have their characters go as far as kissing and stop short of anything past that. But as LGBTQ+ representation in fiction grows, and we start to see more asexual and aromantic rep in stories, it may not just be about what an author wants to share on the page, but also about what a character feels comfortable with doing with their partner.

When it comes to writing characters under the ace and aro umbrellas, it’s important to know that these identities aren’t a monolith. Some asexual characters are sex-repulsed. Some enjoy sex in the right circumstances. Some enjoy sex under all circumstances. Asexual simply means “does not experience sexual attraction.” It doesn’t necessarily mean the character doesn’t want to have sex. Similarly, asexual characters may have an identity anywhere along the ace spectrum. A character could be asexual, gray asexual, demisexual… the list goes on.

Aromantic characters could want a queerplatonic partnership. Some aromantic characters may be okay with a relationship where their partner is alloromantic, and experiences and shares romantic feelings toward them, even if they don’t share those feelings in return, and that’s okay too.

When writing your character, taking time to research their specific identity and make sure that you’re writing it authentically is a huge help. Spend time learning about the terms used within the ace and aro communities, and what your character might feel, think, and understand of sexuality and romance.

As I wrote The Heartbreak Handshake, I honestly wondered whether or not readers would be okay with an contemporary romance with hugging as the peak of physical intimacy in the story. While the series it is a part of—the Clover Hill Romance series—ranges from no sex on page to open-door fully descriptive sex, and I knew there was a place for it in the series itself, having space in a series and space in readers’ hearts is a very different thing.

It turns out a lot of my fears were unfounded. The reality is, pushing your character outside of their comfort zone will bother a reader far more than writing something they may feel is “tame” by comparison to other stories. And if they’re not a fan of where your character (and you) draw the line? They may not be your target audience!

Regardless of if you’re writing the spiciest of spice allo romance, or an asexual one, using inclusive language is incredibly important. In the same way that you wouldn’t want to say “my friend Taz likes both genders,” (if Taz likes men and women, you can say men and women without dismissing that other genders exist), using inclusive language when it comes to asexuality and aromanticism can be helpful too. Check out the difference between these two ways of phrasing things:

“After spending so much time with her, my hope is that one day, we’ll be more than friends.”

“After spending so much time with my best friend, my hope is that she’ll feel the same spark I do.”

Both of these sentences imply that two people are on the cusp of a potential relationship, and that maybe they’ve been friends in the past with a possibility the relationship may shift in the future. Now take this example into consideration.

“Judging by the way they both acted, I got the impression they were more than friends.”

“Judging by the way they both acted, I got the impression they were definitely into each other.”

Again, both sentences convey the same basic meaning. But once again, one conveys that being friends is “less than” being in a romantic or sexual relationship. This isn’t true! And for many, a friendship is equally (or more) desirable.

All it takes is a little shifting of your language to make it more inclusive, and make sure that you’re putting romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships on equal footing.

If you’re not asexual or aromantic, writing a character that is can be hard. After all, there are tons of misconceptions about asexual and aromantic people. Hiring a sensitivity reader within this community—especially if they share your character’s exact identity—can help you ensure the most accurate portrayal possible. Even if you are ace or aro, the reality is, different ace and aro people have different experiences, and getting a second perspective (or third! Or fourth!) can help you flesh out your character more realistically. Lived experience when writing will almost always be better than writing a character you don’t share an identity with, especially if that identity is a margilized one—like another race, sexuality, or gender identity. Keeping that in mind as you write can help you pick your character and what you’re writing to begin with.

No one will ever argue that beta reading isn’t difficult or time consuming, but unlike beta reading, sensitivity reading places a special burden on the reader, often on a marginalized reader. Sensitivity reads are often reserved for reading a specific racial, sexual, gender, cultural, or disabled identity, and this can put a huge emotional or mental drain on a sensitivity reader. As a result, sensitivity reading should be paid work whenever possible. That said, if a sensitivity reader is up for a work or goods exchange, by all means, that’s an option too. Just remember that a sensitivity read requires a very different skillset and level of effort than beta reading or editing, and should be compensated accordingly.

You don’t have to skirt around your characters’ identity in writing. Often, sharing character identity actually helps a reader find what they’re looking for, both as you write and as you market your work as a writer. Being unapologetic about your characters’ ace or aro identity can help you find the readers your book is after.

Understanding Asexuality-The Trevor Project The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)* Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation-UNC Chapel Hill’s LGBTQ Center 5 Asexuals Explain what Asexuality Means to Them-Tinder (Video) 4 Demisexual People Explain what Demisexuality Means to Them-Tinder (Video) r/Asexuality and r/Aromantic on Reddit (Additional identities linked in Reddit Sidebars)** What it Means to be Aromantic-VeryWellMind Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy (AUREA)

*Please note: AVEN’s forums have sometimes been problematic. Your mileage may vary. Viewer discretion is advised.

**Reddit can often be problematic, especially outside of LGBTQ+ subreddits, but also within them. Viewer discretion is advised.

Please note Amazon links are affiliate links

The Heartbreak Handshake (cis m/nonbinary)

Goodreads | Amazon

Clover Hill Romance Series website | Goodreads | Amazon

Sex-repulsed asexual MC, nonbinary MC, autistic MC with sensory aversion to sexual intimacy, MC with ADHD

Content warnings: real-life aviation disasters resulting in death, autistic character faces unkindness for being autistic, referenced ace-phobia

Paxton McKee, Clover Hill’s rideshare driver and handyman, is known by his customers as responsible, dependable, and loyal. On first dates, though, he’s known by another word: boring. His dates never seem to appreciate his in-depth knowledge of famous aviation disasters or his LEGO expertise. His book club buddy, Mrs. Sawyer, keeps trying to set him up. But after so many failed dates, Paxton’s given up on finding someone who can accept him, special interests, stims, and all.

Hand-crafter Remi Sawyer put Clover Hill in their rear-view mirror to sell at craft fairs across the country. But being a traveling artisan is harder than Remi thought. With mounting bills, they’ve ended up back home. Being in their old teenage bedroom is weird. Even weirder, their mother keeps trying to set them up on dates, even after they’ve made it clear the homecoming is temporary.

To get Mrs. Sawyer off their backs, Paxton and Remi agree on a scheme: they’ll go on three dates. When it’s over, Paxton can pretend to be heartbroken, and Remi can get back on the road. They even shake on it. But awkward dates lead to the realization the two have a lot in common. Kissing is gross? Check. Spending quiet time doing projects together is enjoyable? Double check.

But Remi is still hell-bent on leaving Clover Hill again, and Paxton is dead-set on staying. Can they find a new vision that doesn’t involve Remi leaving their kindred spirit behind, or are they both destined to lose the person who might be their perfect companion?

–

Go Truck Yourself (cis f/nonbinary)

Coming Soon

Clover Hill Romance Series website | Goodreads | Amazon

Aromantic MC, nonbinary MC, Asexual MC, bi/panromantic MC, single parent MC, autistic child side character

Content warnings: attempted business sabotage, mentions of absentee parents, brief mention of a parent’s sobriety/rehab, brief mention of a deceased parent, mention of the death of a sperm donor/family member, minors using curse words, family member with dementia, mention of foreign exchange study programs in a positive light, mentions of travel social media and modern colonization

Between being a single parent and running a successful food truck, Myla Horan has no room for drama in her life. She's got her nose to the grindstone to make Tasteful Noods a successful noodle business year-round. But when her friend-turned-rival Zo comes back to town, they start to squeeze into her prime Clover Hill locations… and her profit margins.

After Zo moves back to town to care for their ailing uncle and starts a business of their own, they’re not surprised that Myla’s Tasteful Noods are faring better than their tiny food trailer, You're My Jam. After all, driven Myla can do anything she sets her mind to. Unfortunately, it also means all of the animosity they ended things with has resurfaced.

When Myla and Zo agree there's only room in Clover Hill for one of them, they make a deal: whoever loses the First Annual Clover Hill Food Truck Frenzy shuts down their truck. Forever.

But will serious sabotage leave them both truckless for the competition and threaten both of their chances at victory? Or will they work together as an unexpected dream team and find out they’re better as partners than rivals after all?

–

Getting Off (cis m/cis m)

Goodreads | Amazon | NineStar Press Website

Demisexual MC, biromantic/bisexual MC, gay MC

Content warnings: homophobia, homophobic slurs, bi-erasure, biphobia, sexual assault (on page), forced outing

JJ is certain he’s got everything figured out. He’s straight, right? He’s just not into the hookup culture prevalent on his college soccer team. But he’s trying to hide that to avoid getting on his team captain’s bad side.

Kade is anything but straight. Out and proud, he’s curious about how the “other half” lives… even as his best friends remind him there’s more to the LGBTQ+ community than just the “G.” Curious, Kade texts JJ a simple question: do straight guys ever get off together?

When JJ’s reply leads to a head-spinning sexual spark, he starts questioning everything he knows about his sexuality, both in terms of who he’s attracted to, and also why hookups have never been his thing. But when JJ endures trauma that confuses him more, he starts pushing Kade away. Kade has to learn how to be a supportive friend, and more than that, a supportive partner, or risk losing JJ altogether. And JJ? He has to fight for his team to be team players, even when they suspect he’s “playing for the other team.”

Please note: I haven’t read every book on the above lists, and cannot vouch for them. My inclusion of these lists here is not a recommendation of these books specifically, but instead an indication they exist.

LGBTQReads List of Books by Romantic/Sexual Orientation from @lgbtqreads

EpicREADS list of 23 YA Books with Asexual Representation from @epicreads

QueerBooksforTeens list of books with Aromantic Characters

QueerBooksforTeens list of books with Asexual Characters

Buzzfeed’s list of 17 Books about Asexual and Aromantic Validation from @buzzfeedbooks (cc: @buzzfeedlgbt)

Did you find this post helpful? Consider buying me a Ko-Fi!

[todomitoukei]

Okay, yeah, I didn’t contradict your interpretations with the intent to be rude, I was trying to actively forment discussion with someone who I think has an interesting interpretation of the characters, that perhaps might lead to even more in depth discussion of these issues and how they could play out not only within the story at hand, but by also examining the situation within several hypothetical spaces. Like, nature versus nurture, and what your takes perhaps are on how much that can affect a person’s sexuality, their openness and awareness, as well as freedom to explore themselves as opposed to feeling like they have to hide themselves. I didn’t make my own post, as it were, because a discussion of such issues is just that… a discussion. As someone who has an excellent bead on the character, as well as their own very clearly held takes, it was less about purposefully ‘disagreeing’ with you and far more in the interest of starting a dialogue. I simply stated my own take as a starting point, a place from which a discussion could go, as I was feeling curious about what led to your particular reading of Touya. Not everything that doesn’t agree with your own stated opinion is meant as a disavowment of that take or to antagonize or belittle your take on a character. I kinda thought people post and ask questions and such because we like talking about characters, exploring their dynamics, exploring the things about them we connect with, or the things we feel reflect ourselves. I could understand your ire if I had used rude language or was deliberately trying to bait you into an argument, but all I did was start with how I had personally seen Touya and then presented the question of seeing Touya through a different lens, how his possible development could have otherwise have happened, and explored that scenario. I also presented the question of what we can interpret of Fuyumi from the little we’re given of her, and how the Todo-kids seem to mostly eschew romantic pursuits in general, except notably, the one kid who received the least attention from their father. I simply thought it was an interesting point.

Maybe in the future just delete those questions you dislike rather than making earnest people, just interested in discussing the characters and the opinions of others, feel like total dicks just for being interested in what you have to say.

It seems you missed the part in my previous response where I said "I don't see the point in arguing with people's headcanons, especially when I didn't ask." - I'm still not asking. Me making posts or answering asks is not an invitation for other people to share their opinions. I did state that to me, Dabi and Shouto are aroace. Nowhere did I imply that I was interested in what other people think about this topic.

Headcanons are often very personal to people, especially when it comes to sexual/romantic/gender orientation because more often than not, people project their own identities onto characters, which is why it is so very frustrating that there is not a single post of someone interpreting a character as ace, aro, or aroace without there being at least one person saying "No, they're clearly something else" - again, there are many reasons as to why I find this problematic, starting with the lack of representation there is for aro/ace people. And even when people aren't outright disagreeing, then they're still often trying to "negotiate" so that their characters are still shippable. "Yeah, maybe they're ace, but they could still fall in love-" "They're ace, but then they meet THIS character and-" and many many more arguments that absolutely piss me off because yes, not every ace person is aro and both asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums, but people tend to make these arguments to justify completely ignoring the ace/aro aspect of the character and ship them with other characters, which is not the point of representation. So when I say "X character is aroace to me" and someone says "But-" it's an immediate red flag to me because I've seen this conversation too many times.

My headcanons aren't me trying to state facts. I'm not saying that either Dabi or Shouto is 100% aroace in the canon story. That is simply my personal headcanon and partially so because that is my identity and I relate to these characters in ways that I can't with other characters and that gives me comfort because it makes me feel less alone. And when someone tries to argue with my headcanon, it's just like people IRL dismissing my identity and that's not a fun experience. So whether or not it was your intention, it came across as rude and you don't get to argue with that unless you're actively trying to be an asshole.

Again, this is my headcanon. You can have a different one, but that's why I said make your own post. In that post, you could say "this is my take, what's yours?" and actively ask for people to share their opinions. But that's not what I did. In fact, there have been multiple occasions before, where I told people to make their own posts instead of arguing with my interpretations on my posts. Believe it or not, not everything people say online is an invitation for a discussion and if you disagree with someone, keep it to yourself or make a post without shoving your opinion down someone's throat.

What's more, when someone says that they didn't ask for someone else's opinion, the right thing to do is to just apologize and move on. Instead, you decided to send me another ask, claiming that I made you feel bad, whilst it's obviously you trying to make me feel bad for not humoring you.

For some reason, you were allowed to share your opinion on the matter without my consent, but now you claim that I am in the wrong and hurting your feelings? Then go find a blog that will just agree with everything you say, but this is not the blog. Never has, never will be.

"Maybe in the future just delete those questions" see, that's the thing with sending an ask, though. While me making a post isn't an invitation for other people to share their takes, sending an ask means you expect me to reply. But you don't get to choose what that reply is. This is my blog and if I don't like an ask, the tone someone uses with me, etc. I get to say and do whatever I want. You don't get to just walk into someone else's home, say "I don't like what you've done with this place" and then get offended with how they react. If you don't like people setting boundaries and whatnot, don't send asks. It's as simple as that. You don't get to be butthurt over this and I suggest you think a bit more about how you interact with people and that maybe it's you being the asshole and not the person you came to.

If you think you made an interesting point, make the post. But I don't care why Dabi is aroace. I don't think it matters if Endeavor hit the sexual and romantic attraction part right out of him, brainwashed him into being aroace to focus on becoming a hero, or whatever else you think happened here. The Dabi we see in the story with everything that has happened to him is the Dabi I'm talking about. Not a fanon version of him. In my interpretations, I focus on canon because I want to understand his character as best as possible, and thinking about fanon versions doesn't add anything to it because it's simply not relevant. It may be interesting to you, but it's not to me and that is something you simply have to deal with.

That being said, I kindly ask you to fuck off. Further asks will be deleted/blocked because I've said everything there is and if you still can't accept that or respect my boundaries, it's a you problem and I'm not gonna waste any more time on you.

[colorisbyshe]

man im sorry you keep getting ace discourse questions. youre too cool for this

It's fine. I know to some 14 year olds it's a very pressing that they think really matters. We're watching the rise of global fascism and the horrific effects of climate change devastating the most vulnerable people who cannot escape... but to some people, whether or not cishets can reclaim "queer" and sit at the cool kids table is the most manageable topic they can put on their plate.

Listen, to avoid future asks because I DID just get an influx of followers, I will put my thoughts out plainly:

Aphobia isn't real. It can't be.

Asexuality doesn't any shared experiences or identity to be oppressed. By that I mean, asexuals can be straight, gay, bisexual, or aroace, there is no shared gendered attraction. And "asexuality" can mean totally aroaceness, just a lack of sexual attraction, or a complete lack of sexual desire. Aces can want sex, consent to having sex they don't want, or just not want sex. Aces can even feel sexual attraction (demi, lithro, grey). When you make your identity a spectrum that includes the opposite of what your identity is... you no longer have an identity.

If you do not have an identity with a pool of shared ideology or experiences or even more abstract things like desires... there is no basis for oppression.

People DO face discrimination for not having sex and lacking sexual desire but that discrimination is more heavily tied misogyny and ableism, maybe misdirected homophobia. Most of the time, it isn't even tied to misogyny, it IS misogyny—it's just basic flavor rape culture.

On the flip side, people also face discrimination for having sex and having too much or the "wrong" sexual desire. For many marginalized groups, that means having ANY sexual (or romantic, shout out to the aros who think they're oppressed) desire at all.

So, if a celibate cisgender straight woman who feels sexual desire but just doesn't want to act on it is being harassed for turning down a man, is that aphobia? No. That's rape culture, baby.

And then there are aces and even aroaces who have sex, want sex, are kinky, and love to flaunt it. What aphobia are they facing? This means a non-ace woman is facing more "aphobic" discrimination than an actual, supposed asexual.

Aphobia is not real.

A culture made to punish and demand sexual desire IS real.

And, unfortunately, a lot of rhetoric within the ace community ends up reinforcing that rape culture, hurting their own cause. So, even if I did think a cisgender, straight person who MAYBE lacks sexual attraction and mAYBE doesn't want sex is somehow oppressed and that all cisgender, straight people who face oppression are LGBT, I wouldn't... want to associate with a group bent on regurgitating conversion therapy classics like "You can healthily have sex with people you aren't attracted to" and "You can be sexually gay but romantically straight" (Mormons fucking love that one!).

In a society where so many people ARE pressured into sex they do not want, I do not want to associate with people using the same talking points as sexual abusers, only this time they're using it to justify why cishets can still be queer or whatever.

I really, genuinely wish the best to people who are truly asexual, truly aromantic, who ARE getting shit for their lack of desires, but the communities they belong to need to be fixed before they can even call themselves LGBT alllies, let alone LGBT community members.

And I think a lot of people need to work on themselves and acknowledge that maybe a lot of rhetoric in their communities are just a way to distance themselves from theri sexual and romantic inclinations and any shame they may associate with them, rather than providing "real" identity.

Cause a "straight" man who really, really wants to fuck other men is obviously in denial. So what can we say about an ace who really wants to fuck their partner?

Entertaining this denial only hurts aces and LGBT people in the long run. And if we can't have that discussion honestly, there is no reason for me to entertain the idea of giving LGBT resources, spaces, platforms to our oppressors. Cause even if cishet aces are oppressed, even the most oppressed people on the planet, being oppressed doesn't cancel your role in LGBT oppression. Cishet women are oppressed, face systems of oppression much more closely linked to homophobia and transphobia than aphobia would be, and yet still don't belong in our community, so why would any other cishets belong?

I don't think this view is hateful. I would LOVE to dismantle the rape culture that hurts aces and non-aces alike. I would love to have fruitful dialogues about the pressure to have sex you do not want and how isolating the single life can be or whatever the fuck. A lot of these conversations have already been happening in feminist spheres but let's have another go. (Cause, if I haven't made it clear enough, "aphobic" concerns are actually just feminist concerns.) But if my views make anyone think I'm aphobic... sure. Homophobia and transphobia describe systems of oppression but if a slightly blunt pushback on a tumblr ask is aphobia, then I guess we have a new definition for the "phobic" suffix in this context. Redefining words is an ace community classic, so I'm not surprised.

Anyways, I think I've hit most major points for any newcomers. I will not be accepting new asks on this topic (even asks that agree with me or want to add more); I will just link y'all to my wishlist or to a song I want everyone to listen to.

This is my final word on the subject... unless I find a truly novel thing to say. Or I'm just in the mood to rant. But I'll be doing that on my terms, not to play a game with any new anons.

(That said, thanks anon for this ask, I'm not mad at you, lol. Just had to get this out cause I've gained a lot of followers today and can sense drama on the horizon.)

[firbetmakes]

I posted 113 times in 2022

97 posts created (86%)

16 posts reblogged (14%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@20x20zine

@firbetmakes

@aspecjournal

@fandom

@ygocookbookzine

I tagged 111 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#artists on tumblr - 100 posts

#illustration - 99 posts

#art - 92 posts

#cute - 83 posts

#kawaii - 83 posts

#digital art - 59 posts

#oc - 53 posts

#original character - 48 posts

#traditional art - 39 posts

#artist - 35 posts

Longest Tag: 90 characters

#i read all the tags and comments on my posts and they never fail to make me absurdly happy

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Here’s the boy! A-Spectrum Cleric Wolf is here to support you all!!

Making these aspec pride wolves is always a joy and challenge >-<. Deciding to only use the flags colours for this year’s really was a choice.. got me to try some new shading and colouring methods tho.

This guy’s available on a hoodie if that’s your thing -> firbetshop.com

｜LGBT｜A-Spec｜Ace｜Aro｜Pride Art｜

133 notes - Posted June 4, 2022

#4

🌻  Hope stands tall despite an uncertain future

204 notes - Posted March 1, 2022

#3

Fruity Dinos for a pattern I’ll make at some point. They’re so cute!!!

Went a bit of a roundabout way of drawing these. First I drew them with promarkers in my sketchbook, and then redrew them digitally to clean the lines up.

315 notes - Posted April 5, 2022

#2

The illustrated cover I drew up for @aspecjournal​ that I’m so proud of! It’s up for preorders right now till March 10th :D

It took so long to get all the colours right as I wanted to get as many aspec colours as I could into the piece. purple for ace // green for aro // yellow and blue for aroace // and black and white for aspec. Plus some red to represent the bonds of fate’s connection (being broken).

I illustrated Fenrir and his two sons Sköll and Hati from norse mythology. Fenrir has always hit something within me, with the theme of destroying the world to be released from bonds forced upon you, and having two children with no reference to another parent.

I’ve always enjoyed reinterpreting monsters and villains stories into something positive, so it should be no surprise I read into his themes with a bit of a cathartic aspec lens.

Cover text version ▼

See the full post

374 notes - Posted January 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Congrats Jaiden!! I’m so proud that she was able to come out publicly :0

And to anyone who found out about Aros and Aces through her video, Welcome!

The a-spectrum has been pretty looked over for a long time with many not even knowing we exist. It’s a very common story for aspecs, even I only discovered the identity a few years ago!

I’m so glad such a large youtuber (and one of my favourites) has been public with their aspec identity. Hopefully this will lead to many more aspecs discovering a refuge in this community. I mean the aromantic tag was in the top 5 for a while, everyone say thank you to Jaiden :P

The aspec community is here to welcome anyone who needs a refuge, even if you do find a different label later down the line.

There’s lots to discover and learn in this community so if you’re interested have a look around and learn something new :D

772 notes - Posted March 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[iwishiwassleepinginstead]

Answers to Questions You Didn't Know You Had About Asexuality

Am I Asexual? 

What is compulsory allosexuality and aphobia?  

How do I know if I am asexual? 

I can’t be asexual because... 

Umbrella term: the many labels within the asexuality spectrum 

Aromantic vs asexuality 

Asexual community, relationships, and things to know 

Asexual tl;dr 

Conclusion 

Links and resources 

-----------------------------------------

1. What is compulsory allosexuality? 

Let’s begin by breaking down the terms. “Compulsory” means the opposite of “optional.” “Allo-” meaning “different,” but in this context, it means the opposite of “a-” meaning “no/without.” So Compulsory allosexuality is the feeling that being sexual (being sexually attracted to others, being sexually active, or wanting to be) is the norm, and is expected of you. (This is bullshit.) 

Once allosexuals hit puberty, they begin to see people which they are sexually attracted to as ‘sexy’ (please keep in mind I am writing this as an asexual person, so this description may not be extremely accurate, as I don’t experience this attraction). A lot of allosexuals assume this experience is universal. Some allosexuals assume that a lack of sexual attraction or desire is something that needs medical attention. Many people, including asexuals, can believe that their lack of attraction is a problem that needs to be fixed or ignored to be a ‘real’ person. (I am so sorry if you’ve ever felt this way, regardless of your identity.) 

One thing that gets a lot of people confused is the definition of asexuality. It’s quite simple, really. It’s the lack of sexual attraction to other people. That’s it. There’s no rulebook to follow, no renouncements or pledges to be made. To be asexual is to identify with that sentence. Sometimes this can get confused with aromanticism, the lack of romantic attraction to other people. While people can be both asexual and aromantic (called aro-aces), this is not a requirement. Some asexuals can be alloromantic, and some aromantics can be allosexual. All of these identities are completely valid, and sometimes it can take time to accept that you can identify as these labels and still be valid. (I promise you that you are, no matter what.) 

Some people don’t understand asexuality. Due to this lack of knowledge and understanding, some people are afraid of them (and by afraid, I mean hateful towards them), leading to aphobia. Some aphobes will say stuff like, “just wait until you’re older, you’ll find someone” or “have you talked about this to your doctor?” or “I can fix you” or “loosen up, maybe you’ll like it” or “you probably just had some bad partners, I can show you a real good time” or “so you’re a celibate/waiting for marriage?” or many, many other things. Commonly, asexuals (and aromantics too) are referred to as robots or otherwise inhuman. Which, to be completely frank, is hilarious to me. Not having sex and not having romantic relationships is something allosexuals and alloromantics do all the time, why is it an issue if I never find “the one?” (News flash aphobes, it’s not an issue and it doesn’t need fixing) 

Asexual and aromantic issues are intertwined, but I hope to focus mostly on asexual issues in this piece, though I will acknowledge aromantic issues and identities in which they overlap with asexual ones. 

2. How do I know if I am asexual? 

Figuring this out can be quite difficult sometimes. Especially due to allo-normativity, it’s expected that you ‘just get it’ when it comes to sexual attraction. But identifying as asexual is something that you have to determine for yourself. Also, if you are questioning being asexual, romantic attraction is also something that typically comes along with this question. “Well, if I’m ace, who am I romantically attracted to, if anyone?” This adds yet another layer of questions that can seem quite daunting! But rest assured, you can do it. I believe in you! 

By the way, congratulations for getting this far in your journey! Asking this question can seem scary sometimes, but asking yourself who you really are and making progress in trying to understand yourself (even if you end up deciding that asexuality isn’t the right label for you), is a tough and wild ride that I’m personally so proud of you for starting! 

Being asexual, as I mentioned before, can be defined as “the lack of sexual attraction to other people.” If you do not experience sexual attraction, it can be quite difficult to answer this easily! There are multiple different ways to be attracted to people, so let’s break those down to see which ones you may experience. 

a) Aesthetic attraction. 

Aesthetic attraction is quite simple to describe, it’s simply thinking that someone/something looks pretty/beautiful/handsome/etc. It can be thinking that a sculpture is intriguingly beautiful, or that a person’s sense of style is awesome, etc.  

This is an attraction that doesn’t always mean that you are attracted to them in any other way. (Are you usually attracted to fucking paintings in museums?) 

b) Emotional attraction. 

Emotional attraction is great for any healthy relationship, whether it be with a romantic partner, or with friends or family! Wanting to be emotionally intimate and truly know another person’s thoughts and feelings and share an emotional connection can strengthen the bond you share. This can be like when you want to share something that really interests you with a friend (like a favorite movie), and value their thoughts and feelings about it.  

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. (You can find your family aesthetically ‘ugly,’ but still value your emotional bonds.) 

c) Romantic attraction. 

Romantic attraction is a kind of attraction in which you want to have a relationship with the other person. Beyond that of a platonic relationship or a friendship. You may feel this when you give a partner a hug, kiss, or other gesture of intimacy. (It doesn’t have to be physical.) You may also feel romantic attraction if you desire to give/receive these gestures.  

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. (For example, alloromantic asexuals will be romantically attracted to someone, but do not find that person sexually attractive (whether or not they end up having sex.)) 

This one is a toughie to describe, as I identify as cupioromantic (part of the aromantic spectrum, in which I do not feel romantic attraction, but I still want to be in a romantic relationship). So, apologies if this definition is not entirely accurate! I plan to get critiques from an allosexual alloromantic to review this piece to confirm that the descriptions are accurate (regarding allosexual and alloromantic experiences.) 

d) Physical/Sensual attraction. 

Physical attraction can sometimes be tied to sexual attraction, but it doesn’t always have to be! This can simply be the desire to be physically touched by others, like a hug from a friend or family member. This can extend towards romantic partners as well, and is not inherently sexual in nature. Romantically, this could mean wanting to snuggle or spoon (though this can happen outside of romantic relationships too). 

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. (For example, aromantic allosexuals will be sexually attracted to someone, but have no desire for a relationship, or to date that person. (This doesn’t make them ‘shallow’ or any less of a person, in case you were thinking that!)) 

e) Sexual attraction. 

Here we go, this is sexual attraction! This is when you are attracted to a person and want to touch them in a sexual manner or be touched by them in a sexual manner. The person of attraction can range from a person you don’t know, to someone you’ve known for years, to a celebrity, and so on. This can be daydreaming about how you would want to touch someone/ be touched by someone (in particular or generally) in a sexual manner. Finding someone ‘sexy’ is to find them sexually attractive. 

Some sexualities in the asexual spectrum can be defined by who, how, and when someone might be sexually attractive to you. These I will list and define in detail in a later section, #8: Umbrella term: the many labels within the asexuality spectrum. 

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. For example, allosexual aromantics can be sexually attracted to someone but have no desire for a romantic relationship but might have a desire for a platonic relationship. 

f) Intellectual attraction. 

Intellectual attraction is being attracted to someone’s ‘brain,’ so to say. This is an attraction to the way in which they think, or how conversations with them may be more gratifying than others. This can be like how certain people you can chat with for hours on end without ever getting bored, and being thoroughly engrossed in what they have to say, finding them to be intellectually stimulating. 

This attraction, yet again, does not necessitate any other forms of attraction to be established. You can love to talk to someone for hours at a time, but never be physically, romantically, sexually, or aesthetically attracted to them. 

Being asexual typically means that the sexual attraction to others is different than that of allosexuals, that was described above. But there are many ways that this attraction can differ! For example, one fairly well-known label within the asexual spectrum is demi-sexual, in which you are only sexually attracted to someone who you have a deep, emotional bond with. Hence, no ‘love-at-first-sight' situation and dates with strangers might not yield sexual interest. But this is just one label within the spectrum. There are many different ways to be asexual. 

Some things may be popping up in your mind, things like, I can’t be asexual because of reason (a) and (b) and (c). These next few sections address these thoughts you may be having. Rest assured, there is no wrong way to be asexual, and you can still be asexual even if you don’t think you ‘qualify.’ All you have to do to be asexual is to not find people sexually attractive. 

Some asexuals have experienced similar things due to their identities though, and I list some of them here. Note that not all asexuals experience these, nor does experiencing none of them make you any less asexual, nor does experiencing them make you asexual. 

Being peer-pressured into dating/ picking a crush 

Feeling like you’re not completely following in a conversation about crushes/ dating/ ‘hot’ people 

Having a crush, and immediately losing interest once they are ‘taken’ (or feeling relief) 

Feeling awkward in romantic/ sexual relationships, like you weren’t given the script for the role, or like you aren’t doing enough romantically/ sexually for your partner 

Feeling like doing romantic and/or sexual acts is really uncomfortable, and you’re surprised people actually like it 

Being really confused about who you ‘like’ because you don’t like anyone (struggling to find a sexuality that fit you)  

(Such as, “am I bi/pan, because I feel the same about all genders?” not realizing that feeling was of no sexual attraction towards any) 

Thinking that sex-ed was uncomfortable as all hell, but that’s really not an issue because no one actually does that stuff 

Thinking abstinence/celibacy is easy and a great way to avoid pregnancy 

3. I can't be asexual because... 

Let me stop you right there! If you were thinking a thought that started like this, let me remind you about what asexuality is. The definition of asexuality that I gave earlier was this: “the lack of sexual attraction to other people.” This definition, as you may have noticed, does not say that you cannot have sex, or that you cannot enjoy sex. Some asexuals quite like it! And some don’t. And both are completely valid asexuals. 

Asexuality is an umbrella term, meaning that there are many different ways to be asexual. One of the ways in which this term can encapsulate many experiences is by ‘sex tolerance,’ I guess you’d call it. Some asexuals really hate sex. They want nothing to do with it, never want to do it, etc. These asexuals can be described as ‘sex adverse/repulsed.’ Some asexuals love sex. They are totally down to have sex and have a great time when they do. These asexuals can be described as ‘sex favorable.’ Some lie more towards the middle of this spectrum and can be described as ‘sex indifferent.’ Keep in mind that this is a spectrum! And where someone lies on this spectrum can change depending on time, circumstances, and any other reason. There is no ‘wrong’ way to lie on this spectrum. (The only thing that can come to mind is sex addiction, really. And this is not a problem exclusive to asexuals.) 

You can still be asexual even in you daydream about sex, if you like sex in theory, or even if you like sex in practice! If you have sex with your partner(s), you can still be asexual. No one is going to stop you and your partner(s) from doing that or from identifying as asexual. (If they do, fuck ‘em (literally or metaphorically, your choice.)) 

To summarize, you can be asexual and like sex.  

Whether or not you’re sex-favorable, you can have sex and still be asexual. There are many different reasons you might want to have sex as an asexual person. (Just like how allosexual people have their own reasons for having sex, too!) This can be because: 

You want to try for a baby 

You want to try it out with your partner(s) 

You want to satisfy your partner(s) 

You think it’s fun 

You have some time to kill 

You have to wash the sheets today anyways 

You like how it makes you feel (physically, emotionally, etc.) 

You like how it strengthens your relationship with your partner(s) 

You want to 

Etc. 

There are so many reasons to have sex, not only as an asexual person, but also as an allosexual person. The only reason to have sex that matters is (i), because you want to.  

Asexuals are sometimes mistaken for celibates. Celibacy/Abstinence is when you renounce sex for reasons like religion or ‘saving yourself for marriage’. Celibates usually avoid having sex even though they might want to. Asexuals can have sex! No one said asexuals can’t, so go ahead and do your thing if you want to. 

4. Umbrella term: the many labels within the asexuality spectrum 

So many labels in the asexual umbrella. So many. It can be quite intimidating to dive into! Before we begin looking into these, please remember that you don’t necessarily have to identify as one of these particular identities to still be asexual. Just like the umbrella term non-binary (for example), you can identify as one of the terms under the umbrella (like agender, for example), which is totally valid, or you can simply identify as nonbinary. Whether this is because none of the more specific labels fit you in a way you like, or you just like the umbrella term, using that term is totally valid. That being said, let’s look into the many labels within the umbrella.  

(Also note that along with each label, I will include each reciprocal romantic identity, as the aromantic and asexual umbrellas are quite similar. The first bullet will be the sexuality description, and the second will be the romantic description) (This list comes from multiple sources I will link at the end of this piece) (This is likely an incomplete list, please continue researching labels if you are so inclined!) 

Asexual/ace (aromantic/aro) 

Someone who does not feel sexual attraction 

Someone who does not feel romantic attraction 

Aceflux/Abrosexual (aroflux/abroromantic) 

Someone whose sexuality changes, but usually lies on the asexual spectrum (though it can fluctuate into the allosexual spectrum) 

Someone whose romantic attraction changes, but usually lies on the aromantic spectrum (though it can fluctuate into the alloromantic spectrum) 

Acespike (arospike) 

Someone who’s asexual, but randomly (but rarely) get ‘spikes’ of sexual attraction towards others that can be intense, but quickly fade 

Someone who’s aromantic, but randomly (but rarely) get ‘spikes’ of romantic attraction towards others that can be intense, but quickly fade 

Aegosexual/autochorissexual (aegoromantic/autochoriromantic)  The crossed-out terms are the ‘old’ terms, which have been since updated 

Someone who has a disconnection between themself and arousal. They may enjoy erotic content or fantasies, but usually are not the one being pleasured (or if it is them, it’s a version of they are extremely disconnected from). Aka, they like it in theory only 

Someone who has a disconnection between themself and romance. They may enjoy romantic content or fantasies, but usually are not the one involved in the romance (or if it is them, it’s a version of they are extremely disconnected from) Aka, they like it in theory only 

Apothisexual (apothiromantic) 

Someone who’s asexual and sex adverse/repulsed  

Someone who’s aromantic and romance adverse/repulsed 

Bellusexual (bellusromantic) 

Someone who’s asexual but they have interest in some aspects of a sexual relationship (such as aesthetic, physical, sexual, and/or emotional components) 

Someone who’s aromantic but they have interest in some aspects of a romantic relationship (such as aesthetic, physical, romantic, and/or emotional components) 

Caedsexual (caedromantic) 

Someone who was allosexual, but now is asexual due to trauma 

Someone who was alloromantic, but now is aromantic due to trauma 

Cupiosexual/kalossexual (cupioromantic/kalosromantic)  The crossed-out terms are the ‘old’ terms, which have been since updated 

Someone who’s asexual but want a sexual relationship 

Someone who’s aromantic but want a romantic relationship 

Demisexual (demiromantic) 

Someone who only experiences sexual attraction after establishing an emotional and/or romantic bond (sexual attraction cannot be felt until the bond is formed) 

Someone who only experiences romantic attraction after establishing an emotional and/or sexual bond (romantic attraction cannot be felt until the bond is formed) 

The opposite of fraysexual/frayromantic 

Fictosexual (fictoromantic) 

Someone who’s only sexually attracted to fictional characters / whose sexuality is influenced by fictional characters 

Someone who’s only romantically attracted to fictional characters / whose romantic attraction is influenced by fictional characters 

Fraysexual (frayromantic) 

Someone who’s sexually attracted to someone until a bond is formed 

Someone who’s romantically attracted to someone until a bond is formed 

The opposite of demisexual/demiromantic 

Graysexual (grayromantic) 

Someone who experiences sexual attraction rarely/infrequently 

Someone who experiences romantic attraction rarely/infrequently 

Lithosexual/akoisexual (lithoromantic/ akoiromantic) 

Someone who experiences sexual attraction but does not want it to be reciprocated (whether this makes them uncomfortable, or reciprocation makes them no longer attracted) 

Someone who experiences romantic attraction but does not want it to be reciprocated (whether this makes them uncomfortable, or reciprocation makes them no longer attracted) 

Myrsexual (myrromantic) 

Someone who’s asexual but they don’t know which label fits them best, possibly because this label fluctuates or because they experience multiple asexual identities simultaneously 

Someone who’s aromantic but they don’t know which label fits them best, possibly because this label fluctuates or because they experience multiple aromantic identities simultaneously 

Quoisexual/ WTF-sexual (quoiromantic/ WTF-romantic) 

Someone who doesn’t understand sexual attraction, and hence cannot determine what sexual attraction they experience (if any) 

Someone who doesn’t understand romantic attraction, and hence cannot determine what romantic attraction they experience (if any) 

Reciprosexual (reciproromantic) 

Someone who’s asexual until they know the person they like is sexually attracted to them, in which they can have sexual attraction towards them (someone must be attracted to them first) 

Someone who’s aromantic until they know the person they like is romantically attracted to them, in which they can have romantic attraction towards them (someone must be attracted to them first) 

Requissexual (requisromantic) 

Someone who’s asexual due to emotional exhaustion  

Someone who’s aromantic due to emotional exhaustion 

5. Aromantic vs asexuality 

Aromanticism and asexuality can get confused for each other sometimes. I defined them quickly in the umbrella term section, but here’s a little bit more about how these identities overlap, and how they don’t. 

To be asexual is to be not sexually attracted to other people. 

To be aromantic is to not be romantically attracted to other people. 

Similarities include (possibly) not wanting to have a typical alloromantic/ allosexual relationship. Especially for aro-aces (both aromantic and asexual), these identities can overlap a lot! 

Differences include aromantics can be allosexual (not asexual), and asexuals can be alloromantic (not aromantic). 

6. Asexual community, relationships, and things to know 

Figuring out that you’re asexual can be scary. You might be wondering what the next step is to take, especially if you are seeking out a relationship in which you are openly asexual. Luckily, there’s a whole community out there waiting for you! 

The Trevor Project is a great resource to get started with if you want to talk to someone and don’t know how or who to talk to, or don’t know any safe spaces in which you can talk about it. You can even use TrevorSpace to talk to other people in the LGBTQ+ community! Reach out to give or get some support, no matter how you identify (questioning, asexual, or otherwise LGBTQ+). 

When it comes to getting into romantic relationships being an asexual, it can be difficult. Not everyone will understand you, but hopefully if they don’t, they’ll be willing to take the time to get to understand you. Don’t let aphobes stop you from pursuing love! That being said, there are asexual dating apps to try, if dating apps are something you are willing to try. One is Taimi, and while it isn’t ace exclusive, it has lots of focus on the asexual community, and you can customize what you’re looking for in a relationship when filtering potential matches.  

Being asexual and/or aromantic can alter what you might want or need from a relationship. Sometimes this means that a QPR is what you’re looking for. A QPR is a QueerPlatonic Relationship that isn’t quite friendship but isn’t quite romantic. Is a queer type of relationship for queer folks (pun indended). Sometimes the lines can be blurred between romance and friendship in a QPR, but all that matters is that everyone involved is honest in communication with what they are comfortable with in the relationship and what they want out of it. Each QPR is unique, but feel free to read more about it to possibly get started in finding one! I’ll add some places to get started in in section #9, links and resources. 

7. Asexual tl;dr 

Asexual definition:  

To not be sexually attracted to others 

This is an umbrella term, there are many ways to identify as asexual 

Sexual attraction definition:  

This is when you are attracted to a person and want to touch them in a sexual manner or be touched by them in a sexual manner. The person of attraction can range from a person you don’t know, to someone you’ve known for years, to a celebrity, and so on. This can be daydreaming about how you would want to touch someone/ be touched by someone (in particular or generally) in a sexual manner. Finding someone ‘sexy’ is to find them sexually attractive. 

You can be asexual if: 

You have had sex 

You haven’t had sex 

You like sex 

You hate sex 

You don’t really care all that much about sex 

Your relationship to sex is negative due to things like emotional drainage, trauma, etc. 

You like calling yourself asexual 

Being asexual means that you can be alloromantic (romantically attracted to people) or aromantic (not), of which there are many identities within these umbrella terms 

8. Conclusion 

Being asexual does NOT make you broken, does NOT mean you’re inhuman, and does NOT mean you are any less of a person. 

Regardless of how you identify, asexual, aromantic, allosexual, alloromantic, or any combination of those, you are a valid person who deserves all that life has to offer. If you are still questioning, that’s also completely valid! I wish you luck on your journey of self-discovery. If you decide that asexuality isn’t the right label for you, I want to congratulate you on the work you’ve done to come to that conclusion and wish you luck on finding the label that fits you best. 

I hope that you’ve found this resource to be helpful. Please spread and share this information so that asexuals and allosexuals alike can learn about this identity. Hopefully people might learn that asexuals aren’t scary at all and there’s no reason to be an aphobe. Asexuals make some pretty good friends 😊 

I hope that you learned a little bit about yourself and asexuality, and had a good time learning it! Stay safe and be well. 

9. Links and Resources 

Go forth and learn! 

The Trevor Project is a website dedicated to LBGTQ+ acceptance, education, communication, and counseling. It has a feature in which hitting ‘escape’ 3 times will close the tab, if that feature appeals to you. 

TrevorSpace is an app in which you can talk to other LGBTQ+ persons about queer stuff in a moderated, safe space. Part of the Trevor Project. 

Links that have lists of asexual spectrum identities: 

https://www.glaad.org/amp/ace-guide-finding-your-community 

https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Asexual_spectrum 

https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/exploring-identities/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation/ 

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/asexuality-spectrum/ 

https://www.oulgbtq.org/acearo-spectrum-definitions.html  

Link about sex tolerance (adverse/repulsed v indifferent v favorable), also acknowledging the impacts of cultural attitudes towards sex: 

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=attitudes.html 

Links to learn more about QPR/queerplatonic relationships: 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship 

https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship 

https://taimi.com/wiki/queerplatonic-relationship-what-is-it-what-does-it-mean 

The asexual inclusive dating app, Taimi 

More links to check out: 

https://asexualoutreach.org/  

https://www.asexuality.org/  

https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Asexual_spectrum  

https://www.hrc.org/resources/understanding-the-asexual-community  

Wikipedia entry on asexuality 

------------------------------------ 

I would like to thank @cripqueerphoenix for suggesting I make this. I’d also like to thank the creator of THIS, which I used as a template for making this resource. 

[goalieprotectionsquad]

this is the text-only version of a post you can find at this link.

happy pride month from your neighborhood gray! I forget that asexuality has been severely misrepresented and that a lot of people don’t actually know what it is as a result so here is an overview of what asexuality is, what it’s not, and how acephobic is represented. there is so much more to asexuality than just this. I didn’t even mention the medicalization of asexuality! 

I highly rec scretspiderlady on Twitter because she writes a lot about the ace experience and has many comprehensive threads. I also rec Yasmin Benoit, a Black aroace lingerie model who is fighting misinformation about asexuality and shedding light on racism within the asexual community. if you’re interested in more resources feel free to dm me!

EDIT: I updated the slide that refers to asexuality as “aspec” to “acespec.” The term aspec refers to the a community as a whole – both asexuals and aromantics – while acespec refers to the asexual spectrum and arospec referes to the aromantic spectrum. You can see this mirrored in the terms acephobia, which means phobic behavior experienced by aces; arophobia, phobic behavior experienced by aros; and aphobia, phobic behavior experienced by both aces and aros. Thank you to those of you who tagged this post with their correction!

SLIDE ONE: Asexuality is the persistent lack of sexual attraction. The definition of sexual attraction is being sexually attracted to or sexually aroused by individuals. The definition of libido, also called sex drive, is the want and/or need for sexual pleasure. You might hear this referred to as an itch you need to scratch. Asexuals can have a high libido just like non-asexuals can have a low libido. Some asexuals engage in sexual activity and some don't. Being asexual does not mean you cannot have or enjoy sexual activities.

SLIDE TWO: The asexual spectrum, also called acespec, is an umbrella for many different sexualities. The three most common are: asexuality, which is the lack of sexual attraction to any person of any gender in any situation; demisexuality, which is experiencing sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond is formed; and graysexuality, which is experiencing sexual attraction very rarely. OP is graysexual and a good description of it might to think about having a very niche 'type'. Reduce the number of people that fit that type by 99.9999%. Then reduce the number you're attracted to by another 99.9999%.

SLIDE THREE: Asexuality is NOT: never having or wanting sex; being a virgin; judging others for being sexually active; celibacy or abstinence; being picky; seen only in women or females; being a tease; being incapable of love; not being able to get a date or a significant other; not having kinks; disinterest in romantic relationships, or an illness or a symptom of one.

SLIDE FOUR: Asexuality and aromanticism are two discrete identities. Asexuality has to do with sexual attraction, while aromanticism has to do with romantic attraction. Some asexuals are aromantic, meaning they do not experience sexual or romantic attraction. Some asexuals are alloromantic, meaning that they do not experience sexual attraction but do experience romantic attraction. Aromantic allosexuals are those who experience sexual attraction but not romantic attraction.

SLIDE FIVE: Acephobia is so ingrained in our culture, you may not even notice it. Examples of acephobia include: belief that a romantic relationship cannot exist or is somehow lesser without sex; belief that asexuals are not adults or are immature because they aren't interested in sex--this is also called infantilization; jokes about stereotypes of virgins, "sexless" people, people who don't date, etc.; calling people of any age that aren't interested in sex or romance 'late bloomers'; stereotyping asexuals as a certain type of person such as incels or freaks; and thinking that asexuals just haven't had good sex yet and are choosing not to have sex because of that. These are ALL ACEPHOBIC.

SLIDE SIX: Asexuals are dehumanized. Asexuals are at a high risk of corrective rape, rape that occurs with the "intent" of, for example, curing them or showing an asexual person what "good sex" feels like. Corrective rape occurs in a number of communities and can be part of conversion therapy. Many asexuals force themselves into sexual relationships in an attempt to cure themselves or to be "normal".

SLIDE SEVEN: How to be a good ally: Pay attention to language. Allosexuals and alloromantics often view the world through allonormative, the assumption that everybody feels sexual attraction and is in pursuit of sex, and amatonormative, belief that falling in love is the only true definition of love and that everybody seeks romantic relationships, lenses. Phrases as common as "they are JUST friends" or "you need to get laid" can be alienating. Call others out for making jokes that imply people not having sex are ignorant or lesser. If you search 'acephobic' on Twitter, you will find plenty of examples of jokes. Another way to be a good ally is to correct misinformation about what asexuality is. Asexuality does not imply virginity or lack of interest in sex. Discovering the nuances within asexuality can be life-changing.

[sentientgopro]

On the topic of transness and the whole aroace thing. Idk if I can be of particular help, while I personally am allosexual and alloromantic (I think), I have a weird relationship to attraction (and gender) and I'm also polyamorous, so generally outside of the norm for how attraction works. Plus, I have several connections (partners, friends, a sibling, etc.) who are on the ace and/or aro spectrum. Which is why I had way too many thoughts on this topic, unfortunately none of them scientifically backed. I'm not a sociologist, but interpersonal relationships are somewhat of a special interest for me.

I'm warning you now, this is probably gonna get messy and long (even though I'll try to keep it as short as I can), but I like sharing.

This point might be the most relatable and applicable to your situation. I have a friend who used to identify as agender and asexual (don't remember if also aromantic, it's been years) who then realized she's a trans woman and a lesbian, which was very surprising and weird for her as well. The way she rationalized it was that within her own self-perception she couldn't see herself as someone who would be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone else, but gaining more acceptance for herself and her own identity, the idea of her being someone who loves and is loved seemed more realistic and desirable. She's not 100% sure either, though. But there is a possibility of internally rejecting attraction as a sort of self-defense mechanism due to a lack of self-acceptance. That doesn't invalidate aroace identities, but I think both of these ideas can and do coexist.

It may be important to also remember here that first of all, both asexuality and aromanticism exist on a spectrum and secondly that they refer to attraction rather than behavior or desire for tangible circumstances. Asexual/aromantic people can still enthusiastically participate in sex/romance, the main point is that they don't experience sexual/romantic attraction for specific people (or only under specific circumstances if we move around on the spectrum). My longterm partner is asexual (but not aromantic), but will participate in sexual activities with me because they love me and it's a pleasurable activity. They find me aesthetically attractive, and may even find certain behavior or body parts arousing, but they're not sexually attracted to me as a person. In fact, sexual attraction doesn't even cross their mind unless prompted. Another more recent connection is aromantic (but not asexual), but doesn't mind participating in traditionally romantic activities and physical non-sexual affection with me, but just doesn't experience crushes/romantic attraction towards people. The entire concept seems a bit hard to understand for them. They "love" me, but conceptualize it mostly as very strong platonic feelings, as far as I can understand. (At this point it might be good to note that I have the most ironic luck at finding partners/connections as someone who experiences very strong sexual and romantic attraction.) My sibling is on the aroace spectrum, but still desires companionship and partnership (cupioromantic has been used as a label before, but not consistently). Romantic and sexual attraction are all just very wibbly wobbly weird concepts in general, just like gender, honestly. Nothing really matters ultimately, but also it kinda does? It's all very silly how much importance society puts on these things, especially when you deviate from the norm.

You asked "Are there different kinds of romance?" and I raise you "What is romance even?". To date I have not been able to come to a conclusion or been given a good answer to that. Ask 10 people and you get 10 different answers. As soon as you divorce the premises of sexual attraction and monogamy from romance, it becomes nigh impossible to even start to define. For a lot of people these seem to be defining factors of romance (as opposed to platonic love). In fact, my current running theory is that romance, on its own, is a social and cultural construct (especially if you look at historic conceptions of it). Nevertheless, romantic attraction is still a feeling I experience, and it feels different than strictly platonic love or even sexual attraction. Best I can do for a description is give general vibes. I cannot even strictly define it for myself. But I have people that I have romantic feelings for without them being sexual. I can be sexually attracted to people I don't harbor romantic feelings for. I even have romantic feelings for people I don't desire a relationship with. It feels a bit like RGB color sliders sometimes, but I think it's even more multidimensional than that. It's honestly kind of frustrating to me. But honestly, yeah, people are multidimensional and we experience the same concepts in different ways. Which actually leads me to my next point:

Being polyamorous and having people with different sexual and romantic orientations taught me that relationships, at the core of it and once you free yourself from social norms, are entirely customizable and don't have to be perfectly symmetrical. I can have romantic/sexual feelings for someone while they don't have those for me and that's okay. We agree on the activities we want to experience together and the ways we'd like to interact and then it's alright. Of course, it's more complicated than that and you do run into conflict/resentment on the way, but as long as you keep and open mind, stay flexible, and are willing, you can establish and experience great and fulfilling interpersonal relationships outside of the norm. Sometimes they don't last, and that's also okay as long as you do your best to have a good time. What I'm saying is, the rules are all made up. Do what you want. Just gotta find the right people. That's not always easy, but it's incredibly worth it.

Anyway, I hope my messy ramblings contributed something and if not, I'm sorry for taking up your time (English is my third language, so my sentences can get a bit too long, I think). Obviously, my point of view is very colored by my own circumstances (notably non-monogamy), but sometimes it helps to look at things from outside of the box.

Hope you have a pleasant life and that you either find the answers you seek or learn to make peace with not knowing.

Yeah, thank's for the help! If you take a quick look at my profile, youll quickly see Im no stranger to long posts, lmao, I love em.

I do think that not being happy with who I am could absolutely be a factor in this. I think it feeds into a general lack of understanding of relationships. I might feel romantic attraction, I dont understand what that feeling is to know whether I feel it or not, so I based my judgement on desire for a relationship.

But I think the main part of it is a combination of not understanding romance and lack of self respect. Its like, if I dont understand what romantic love is, I cant see myself as being lovable? And to me, a big part of my newly discovered desired relationship is emotional support. So I look at that, see it as a desireable aspect of someone, and know I am absolutely incapable of giving it to other people. There are other examples like that, but basically, I dont understand relationships, I consider what I would want out of one, and dont think I have that.

My main takeaway from reading this is I just cant know yet, can I? Im aroace now, these labels fit now, when I start transitioning Ill do whatever. If I get into a relationship, would it be romantic, platonic, Queerplatonic, etc, it really just doesn't matter, its just a relationship and we'd do what we wanted. I'm getting too hung up on figuring things out that are A. Impossible to figure out before I reach the point where it happens and B. Not necessary to figure out.

As for asexuality, Im gonna tread lightly, but yeah, I think I might be some shade of grey ace. If I was in a romantic relationship already I would almost definately wanna be involved that way.

But yeah, your response was really helpful, thank you! I really just shouldn't worry so much, you helped me realise that.