#this is what happens when you don’t get your GCSEs guys

[turtlethebean]

CC OC Week Day 1: Family

Read it on AO3: Family Campfire - Turtle_The_Bean - Criminal Case (Video Game) [Archive of Our Own]

OCs: Cherri Arrow-Shepherd and Michelle Clayton-Scott

“It’s a bit weird. Y’know, it’s my first time in America, and now I’m meeting your family for the first time. I mean, my first time meeting you in person wasn’t too long ago, and you met my family then.” Michelle Clayton-Scott commented as she and her partner, Cherri Arrow-Shepherd, walked through the woods to where Cherri’s family were currently situated.

“Hey, there’s a first time for everything,” Cherri playfully nudged their partner, “But I think our family dynamic is a bit simpler to understand compared to yours.”

“Uh-huh, and how many adopted siblings do you have again?”

“…Four…”

“And how many of them look like you?”

“I mean, Felix and I kinda look alike. To be fair, the bar is low. He’s the only one I share a skin tone with…roughly anyways, but I did dye my hair to look kinda like Gwen, and I’ve taken style inspiration from Hope.”

“What about…oh, what was the other guy’s name…Luke?”

“Oh, Luke? I guess growing up adopted by two dads is something we have in common, although I think he calls them his “foster dads”, so I don’t know if he was actually adopted. Anyways, we’re here now.”

Cherri pushed both of them through a bush to reveal a small campsite. There were four different RVs, one of which was their own, that they shared with Hope. Two men, one muscular and bald wearing a blue apron and t-shirt and one wearing a red sweater and missing one of his arms, sat at the campfire, waving at the two as they approached.

“Hey, Pops. Hey, Dad. This is my girlfriend, Michelle.” Cherri introduced the two men as they and Michelle both sat down on a bench.

“Ah, I’ve been wondering when we’ll get to meet her,” The bald, muscular man smiled, extending a hand for Michelle to shake, “I’m Ben Arrow-Shepherd, and this is my husband, Jacob Arrow-Shepherd.”

“It’s nice to meet you both,” Michelle grinned widely.

“I’ll call the rest of the group when I’m finished cooking dinner. For now, both of you kids, just relax and enjoy the fire.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Please, just call me Ben.”

“That is like half of one of my dad’s names, so no, thank you.”

“Oh, you have two dads yourself?” Jacob, the man in the red sweater, cocked one eyebrow as he took a sip of his beer.

“Yeah, I do. They’re actually in the city right now, meeting up with one of my dad’s old coworkers. I call them my aunts and uncles even though they’re not really my aunts and uncles.”

“Don’t worry about that. Cherri does the same with Priya and Zander.”

“Did someone call my name?” An Indian woman with long, brown hair emerged from one of the campervans wearing a yellow top and a white coat.

“Sorry, Aunty Priya, we were just talking about how Michelle calls her dad’s old coworkers her aunts and uncles, and Dad pointed out how I do the same with you and Uncle Zander,” Cherri explained, a little flustered by Priya’s sudden appearance.

“Oh, your girlfriend’s here. I never knew that. Zander, come say hi.”

A man with black hair and a matching leather jacket emerged from the same campervan as Priya did. The couple then sat beside Jacob to enjoy both the warmth of the campfire and the conversation that was happening.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Michelle. We’ve all heard so much about you over the…how long have you two been dating again?”

“Two years. We started dating around the same time I started high school, remember?”

“That’s right. Now, I remember. What about you, Michelle? Are you in high school as well?”

“Yeah, I’m actually doing my last year of my GCSEs next year. I’m considering whether or not I wanna do my A-levels afterwards.” Michelle explained.

“I’m assuming your GCSEs are similar to our SATs?”

“I’d say so. I don’t really know much about the American school system.”

“It is pretty much the same as the SATs.” Cherri clarified.

“See, this is why I love your kid. They’re so much smarter than I am.” Michelle chuckled, nudging Jacob playfully.

“Hey, you might not be the smartest academically, but I’m sure you've got some other smarts,” Ben reassured her.

“I mean, history is pretty much my passion. I love learning about ancient civilizations and how people used to live back then.”

“Oh, so I’m sure you’d get along well with Felix.”

“Well, I actually hope I can get along with everyone here.”

“Speaking of which,” Ben stood up straight as he removed the hot dogs from the grill in front of him, “Hey! DINNER’S READY!”

Once Ben finished his sentence, several people came out of the campervans. Michelle could recognise some of them, but others were a bit more unfamiliar. Another couple sat on the empty bench opposite Ben and Jacob, while a boy who came out of the same RV sat next to Cherri. Hope, pretty much the only one she recognised given that she and Cherri shared an RV, sat next to Priya and a man in a wheelchair pulled up beside the new couple.

“Michelle, this is Gwen and Pierce and their son Arthur, who’s the same age as us. I’m sure you know Hope since we share an RV, and that over there is Felix.” Cherri explained, pointing to each person as they sat down.

“Wow, that’s certainly a lot of people.” Michelle chuckled nervously as she took her plate from Ben. She took a look at it, noticed the hot dog and baked potato, and moved the hot dog onto her partner’s plate.

“It’s not as much as your family. Remind me of how many- hey, what’s wrong with the hotdog?”

“Oh, nothing. I just forgot to mention that I’m vegetarian.”

“That would be my fault, actually, but since that's the case, here.” Cherri grabbed their baked potato and put it on their girlfriend’s plate.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, I’m sure Pop will throw on another baked potato if we need it.”

“I think two hot dogs is enough food for you, Cherri, especially with the lunch I heard the two of you had.” Ben laughed.

“Yeah, I had a big lunch. You didn’t have much, though, Michelle.”

“The salad was the only thing I could eat,” Michelle jokingly whined, “Besides, I’m sure all this potato will fill me up.”

“Oh, trust me when I say Ben always gets the best potatoes for whatever the time of year is.” Felix, the man in the wheelchair, chuckled as he picked at his potato with a fork.

Michelle turned to look at Felix and almost fell out of her seat. She was not expecting him to be missing almost everything below his hips. She tried to collect herself, which elicited more laughter from Felix.

“Girl, you’re fine. You can ask if you want.” He responded, throwing his head back in laughter.

“Oh, okay…so…what happened to you?” Michelle asked, feeling bad for asking but feeling somewhat comforted by his approval.

“Got chomped on by a lizard man when I was in college. Y’know, normal college stuff.”

Michelle laughed along with the joke about his backstory before she slowly realised that he wasn’t exactly joking about the “lizard man” part. She looked at Cherri for an explanation for what exactly was happening.

“Guys, I…I haven’t exactly…explained everything to Michelle.” Cherri looked around, a little flustered.

“Cherri, what’s going on?” Michelle asked, confused.

“Michelle, I…I need to tell you something. You see, supernatural creatures like werewolves, vampires, and even demons are all real. That’s actually how I got the scars on my face, and my dad lost his arm and his wife. Don’t worry, though; not all of them are bad. Priya and Zander are both werewolves, and Pierce is a vampire. Oh, um, Hope is also a demon, but she is the one who killed the demon queen back in the day…or so I’ve been told.”

Michelle froze for a minute there. She could not believe this. This had to be a joke, right? She was just being pranked. Surely, the camera crew would come out of those bushes any minute now.

But there were no camera crews. There was no one pointing and laughing at her for falling for a silly prank. There was a sombre silence, indicating that this wasn’t a joke. The only thing she could muster up was a small “oh” in response.

“Don’t worry, kiddo,” Jacob scooted over to their bench and put his stub of an arm on her back, “That’s a completely normal reaction to finding this out. Most of us have had that reaction at some point, and most of us have lost something because of the supernatural. You’re lucky to figure this stuff out on your own.”

“Is…is it just an America thing or?”

“From what we know, there tend to be supernatural creatures all over the world. An old friend of mine was from Romania.”

“An old…supernatural friend of yours?”

“Yes, he was a vampire.”

“W-wait, aren’t vampires supposed to be immortal?”

“Not if you chop their head off. That’s what I threaten Pierce with sometimes.” Gwen joked.

“Do you actually?”

“Nah, I love him too much to do that to him.”

“Well, erm, this is certainly an eventful evening. D-don’t worry, I’m not leaving, but…thanks for telling me all of this.”

“As I said, it’s best you know now before something happens to you.” Jacob reached over his other arm and gave Michelle a pat on the shoulder.

“True, I don’t know what I’d do if Cherri got killed on the job.”

“Oh, they’re not allowed on the job since their face got slashed. Not until they’re an adult, at least.”

“I can still defend myself if someone attacks me,” Cherri stuck their tongue out at their dad, “Anyways, pops, any chance I can get another baked potato?”

“You’re not full after those hot dogs? Alright, one more baked potato coming right up. Anyone else?” Ben sighed, getting up from his seat and stretching.

“I’ll take one, sir,” Michelle spoke up before remembering Ben didn’t like being called Sir.

“At this point, kid, just call me Pops. You’re part of the family now, after all.”

[the1975attheirverybest]

yoo this isnt super 1975 related but i remember watching clips of matty sorta "lecturing"?? (idk if u can call it that) the audience about how too many people r fainting in the pit, and that if the person next to u needs help dont call him, pull em out. etc etc and when i first saw him say this i was like "hes right but hes being a bit mean about it"

well i took my lil sister and her friends to a gracie abrams concert last Friday and like FIVE people fainted????? and i heard a similar amount of people fainted the day after. it was RIDICULOUS. i dont wanna be mean cause the audience felt pretty young (like high school, early uni age) but like ..... everytime something happened in the pit they called to gracie for help???? and in the words of matty healy, wtf is the performer gonna do?

idk kudos to gracie ig cause she stopped the show multiple times but like.... is this the new norm?? this is only my second time in the pit post-lockdown so it might just be gracies demographic??

idk i just wanna know if this is smth other people r observing

i will never call matty a meanie ever again

Yeah, I mean, I think, to a certain extent, it’s not super new? Diehard fans have always had this as an issue because going above and beyond for your fav artist has always been a thing. Not to age myself here, but this used be mainly a festival issue. Cuz like it’s mainly people standing and they’re packed together like sardines. Especially in the summer. With the heat and dehydration and all. Even Matty recalls doing this for green day. Like remember when he would talk about being in the front row and specifically planning to get onstage with green day at age 13 and stuff? And how the day of the GCSE results, instead of worrying about grades he was more concerned with the festival attendance hahaha. So, like, I think he’s seen the consequences enough times and doesn’t want his band to be the reason someone gets hurt. Like their love for the band causing them to be harmed would be so shit.

As for the mean-ness thing….part of it is his personality I think but also in his defense, people need it sometimes. Even I do it in big classrooms where I have like 50-70 students. I’ll be asking them to swap papers together and give each other feedback. Or maybe get into groups and stuff. But even after I assign everyone a role, they just sit and stare at me. Saying “okay guys let’s go ahead and do it” doesn’t work. I end up clapping my hands violently and being like “what are you asleep in your chairs? Let’s fuckin MOVE MOVE MOVE” that’s when they’re like “oh. Right ok this is happening.” Lmaoo. So like he’s just cutting to the chase cuz time is of the essence. Both in terms of the show but also you don’t want someone to dedicate to death while youre tryna be sweet and kind to people.

[sofias-diary]

Period hasn’t come yet. Only a matter of time now… that’s what’s awful about starting your period at FOURTEEN. Who starts their period that late??? I’m fifteen now though, don’t you worry about that. But my periods are like suuuuuper irregular so I have no idea when it’s going to appear!

I started watching Killing Eve. And I finished the third series of What We Do In The Shadows and can’t watch any more unless I get Disney+ (that’s never going to happen).

I think about Leia a lot. Like, more than friends normally think about their friends. But I don’t think I have a crush on her, right? Because when I had a crush on Christabelle that was SO different. I don’t feel about Leia that way. But it’s definitely a greater feeling than normal friendship. When I first properly met her I thought I had a crush on her but I know now that was just me wanting to be friends with her as I had no other friends at the time. The way Dilpreet mentions that sometimes is actually soul-crushing because every once in a while she’ll say “Hey, remember when you sat on your own all the time?/when you would go to class super early to avoid other people seeing you be totally alone?” as if it wasn’t one of the worst times of my life. Whatever.

I think the reason I like Leia so much is because she’s so perfect and I can’t understand it. She has this way of being so sincere when she tells me she missed me on the few days I was sick, and I could tell she genuinely genuinely meant it. I like that about her because it means I can tell her how much I love her (which is a LOT!). And when we have conversations it’s like when you’ve been sat in a car for hours and you finally step outside and you get that fresh clean air. And when she compliments me or reassures me about something it feels like it’s the middle of summer and the sun is rising and all the flowers have begun to bloom.

I don’t like her boyfriend much. I don’t dislike him. He’s incredibly kind to her and about once a week she’ll tell me something wonderfully sweet he said to her, usually about how he wishes she saw herself how he sees her. I could bet a million pounds I see her in a far better light! And he went to ARMY SCHOOL… and she showed me his six pack… ew… he literally failed his GCSES. Oh, did I mention he’s 17 and she’s my age? And he sent her a dick pic she didn’t ask for. As if anyone would ask for that! He’s an idiot and he’s disrespectful.

Tegan (the girl Leia used to be best friends with) clearly hated him. Why would she do that? She would talk about how much she hated him to her face. I would never do that. I couldn’t hurt her feelings like that! I think Tegan likes Leia a bit. Clearly not a lot though, because she’s always so nasty to her. Maybe she’s just a bit controlling - I know she gets jealous when Leia sits with me and my friends instead of Tegan and her friends. Not that it’s a competition or anything.

I’m never ever mean to Leia! God I sound like such a nice guy. I’m not, I swear. Well I mean I am nice. You know what I mean… When Leia was trying to convince me not to buy her anything for Christmas and I told her I would because she deserved it, I feel like nobody ever really tells her that because she had a real reaction to it. And when she told me about how she went on a bus for the first time I saw how her eyes lit up with wonder! Over a bus! She’s so cute. And once in English, when Emily and Natalija weren’t in (thank GOD) Leia said to me that it was the highlight of her day. How precious is that?!

I think it’s more that I just want to be her best friend. I think.

Should I start adding tags to these? Because I genuinely do not care if people can read them. I just write them when I can’t write in my proper diary.

More later, Sofia xx

[steventhusiast]

WOO MORE TAG GAMES! keep em coming never stop tagging me! this time i got tagged by @xenon-demon :D and it’s 15 questions

are you named after anyone? not that i know of

when was the last time you cried? i’ve cried a fair bit recently hmmm i think during therapy last week

do you have kids? no i am just a little guy (21) and do not know how to interact with children under the age of 10

do you use sarcasm a lot? to be honest, not really? i do enjoy a good sarcastic back and forth tho

what sports do you play/have you played? i’ve never really been into sports.. living up to my truth as a gay stereotype

what’s the first thing you notice about people? i think accessories? i’m pretty bad at recognising faces and other physical attributes at first but i’ve realised recently with my current friends like the identifier i used for them when we first met was like ‘the girl with the winnie the pooh pencil case’ or ‘the girl with the cool disney princess backpack’

what’s your eye colour? so grey-ish blue but i have a ring around my pupil of like an orangey-brown that is kind of cool

scary movies or happy endings? i am a big baby so happy endings. especially if it’s a satisfying happy ending and i am emotionally attached to any of the characters. i do REALLY ENJOY depressing movies though so… but scary movies? absolutely not i hate the feeling of waiting for a jumpscare to happen

any special talents? i don’t think so. just an average little guy right here

where were you born? so so very scared of doxing myself bc the uk is SMALL so bottom half of england

what are your hobbies? reading and writing, playing a lot of video games (rn ive been getting back into truck simulator that shit is SOOOO calming, and i’m also a big valorant guy and a big minecraft/cosy games guy). i guess also like consuming media? idk not many hobbies to be honest but i wanna try and find a not screen related hobby over summer that i can do when i’m anxious like i wanna learn how to crochet or something

do you have pets? yes i have a dog he is the best boy ever and he turns 12 rly soon. he’s a little old man and the fur on his chin has gone grey bc of it

how tall are you? 5’4 and proud. perfect hug height for taller people

favourite subject in school? before i got to choose gcses and stuff? english, but once we got to choose, media studies <3

dream job? am another fuck capitalism i don’t dream of labour girlie, but i want to work in some sort of design position. maybe something in publishing design? or creative advertising? idk i dream moreso about future experiences than where i will make my money to live

not gonna tag 15 people bc i’m sleepy but here are a few (sorry if you’ve done this already) @beep-beep-robin @spectrum-spectre @italiansteebie @stregoniconiconii

[docholligay]

Madrid Preparty: Vocal Highs and Lows (part one apparently there is a video limit)

First of all, because I know I’m gonna put someone in here that people are gonna fight me about: This is (mostly) about the vocal delivery. Because I care. I actually don’t think how well they can sing is going to affect all but a few of the semi qualifiers.

People who pay the money to vote in semis go INTO Eurovision knowing who they like, and much to my chagrin, they often vote for who they liked before, not who performed on the night. This is why Cyprus, who warbled off key all stage (She was in my top ten last year, I also loved the song right up until I saw her do it) would have qualified last year. Any of these fan favorites that have, uh, vocal issues? They are still going to qualify. Am I annoyed by this? Yeah, of course. I think how the night goes should be the determiner. And there ARE people like me, but there are far more that vote for the song they intended to vote for before the semi even started. But this is the backhand of non-jury semis, which I am in favor of. Nothing in life is perfect. So if I point out issues with your fan fave, know that it probably won’t matter to the qualification.

SECONDLY, let’s all acknowledge that there were some fairly huge issues with sound in Madrid. Some people kicked ass in spite of it and some folks, like Loreen (Sweden), just kept going because it’s whatever man, I can sing this all day, but it really did throw some people off. Poor Parsha Parfeni (Moldova) had no mic for a good chunk of his song. He still brought it, but it was not great for him.

This is why I generally take the AVERAGE of preparty performances, and encourage others to do that same. Everyone can have an off night, and by the same token, everyone can have a stellar night for no reason.

OKAY

High: Armenia

I fucking hate this song, but my god can she deliver it. I would have said there’s no way she could sound like the studio version but, I GUESS. She’ll qualify even from a terrible position, I think, being in the easy semi.

Low: United Kingdom

Oh Mae. I love you, as a person, so much. I love your GCSE 5 Spanish* intro here, I love your energy, I love the fact that when you actually do this song onstage you sound a LOT more like you fucking talk instead of the accent level(l)ing of the studio version.

But this is not it. She’s out of breath (Stop trying to sing and dance!!! It’s hard!! THIS IS WHY IT’S IMPRESSIVE WHEN IT’S DONE) and off and I think it is saying something that the top comment on this is someone (In spanish) saying, “It’s a preparty, it’s for fun, not for competition” and you know when that’s the top comment, what you’re getting. A few other comments taken from the top ten.

Middling translation to colloquial American English by me: They gotta think of something for Eurovision, because this is a mess.

 * I actually don’t know how difficult the GCSE Spanish exam is. Or even if there is one. Anyway, pretend I said she got a C in Spanish if you’re American.

High: Australia

I am INCENSED about how much I love Australia’s entry this year. These guys are an established band who know what the fuck they are doing, and it’s so GODDAMN COHESIVE and TOGETHER, and it’s amazing watching how he knows how to carry a crowd. A few vocally shaky moments, because apparently he lost his in-ear (Not the first or last one) but altogether a fucking TRIUMPH. They will qualify, and I need them to.

Low: France

PLEASE KNOW THIS GRIEVES ME. She was another one that lost her in-ear (You can see her frantically signaling), but unlike Voyager above, she couldn’t make it happen. It threw her for the whole performance, I’m not sure she even ever got it back, but she sure as shit did not recover. It is a TRAINWRECK of a vocal performance. It’s a shame, I’ve heard her sing this live before I have faith she actually can, but if this were the only time I’d seen her live I would be sweating it. It’s no good, folks.

High: Sweden

Anyone who says that this song will only so well because it’s Loreen or because of her staging is really, I think, doing her a disservice. She’s fucking incredible. She was one of the last performers, it was extremely late, she’;s jumping up and down at the end and you can barely tell vocally. Absolutely fair not to like the song, but she’s an exceptional fucking talent.

[survey--s]

532.

Do you want the last dream you had to come true? No, my last dream was about going to the cinema to see an interactive horror movie lol - like you watched the film and they had actors in the theatre with you acting out parts of it. NO THANKS.

When did you last talk to the person you'd most wanna talk to right now? I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now. I’m shattered and I just got my period so I just wanna sleep lol.

What kind of pill did you last take? A painkiller.

Do you like wearing glasses? Not really, but it’s just normal to me - I don’t remember ever not wearing them.

Does your mom know the last person you hung out with? Sure, we’re married.

What were you doing 4 hours ago? Laying in the garden and reading with the dog next to me.

What would you most like to eat right now? Chocolate sounds good.

How long were you last in the car for? A couple of minutes - I dropped Oakley off, picked Archie up and came home.

What is something good that happened last weekend? The weather was gorgeous and I was house-sitting somewhere with a massive garden and it was just really relaxing lol.

Do you like holding hands or do you think it's stupid? I don’t like it as it makes my hands all sweaty.

The last song you heard, what does it make you think of? I can’t remember what that was.

How'd you get your last injury? Guy accidentally nipped my finger when I was giving him a treat.

What do you like about your birthday? It’s really just another day to me. I normally end up working lol.

Do you like being home alone at night? Yes! I find it so peaceful and relaxing. I love my time alone.

What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade? GCSE’s.

What's the scariest thing that's happened to you? I can’t think of one specific thing. Luckily my life has never been particularly scary.

Has an ambulance ever came to your house? No.

The person you're thinking about - what are you thinking about them? I’m not really thinking about anybody.

When did you last skip class? I’ve been out of education for well over a decade now.

Do you like the shape of your fingernails? Sure, they’re fine.

Did you look at your fingernails for the question above? No.

Whose pool did you last swim in? It was just a hotel pool.

What's something you like about your 3rd hour? I’m not in school.

Is formspring a good idea? I never used it - I saw a lot of people who did and it seemed like a lot of people either asked themselves questions or got bullied on there.

What's your biggest problem at the moment? Period pain.

What's the cutest thing someone's ever done for you? Agreed to marry me lol.

When did you last see a police car? I dunno, a few days ago maybe?

Why aren't you doing something more productive than this? I have nothing else I need to be doing, let me be.

How many people know about the last person you kissed? Everyone who knows me.

How many different cars have you driven? Let’s see. I’ve owned four, I had three driving instructors with four cars in total, and then Mike’s had two cars and a van - so, eleven.

What did you do on Thursday? My mum joined me at work, then I had a food shop delivered and had my last night house-sitting too.

What color was the last thing you drank? Brown.

What do you do on Fridays? Work - I normally finish around 1pm, and then it’s home, shower, sort the animals, make the bed, do laundry and get a takeaway.

Have you ever had to take desperate measures in a desperate situation? No, not really.

What door did you last open besides any on your house or car? Uh, my in-laws garden gate.

What is the meaning of life? Happiness.

[waglifeornolife]

https://www.tumblr.com/waglifeornolife/747400283834974208/httpswwwtumblrcomwaglifeornolife747399410801

I also just don’t want to end up like either of them in a way because

1)my mum dropped out of nursing school to take care of me as a kid which is nice and all but I always feel bad about that because she brings it up sometimes like honestly I’m so so sorry that I’m the reason you couldn’t reach your dreams

2)my dad is like honestly the weirdest man alive like I genuinely believe that he couldn’t care less about me like I remember when I got my tonsils out and my mum asked him to pick us up from the hospital he and the Ubers were pretty expensive during that time of day I had to take the train to get home whiles I was half loopy which honestly sucked. He never showed up to any of my school plays even when I invited him like I’d always come home after thinking he may have been at work but I find him asleep on the sofa everytime. I gave up gymnastics and swimming even though they were my favourite things in the world and all he could care about was the money he was saving because of it. And now all of a sudden he believes that he has the right to know about my whereabouts and that he has the right to try boss me around. But at the same time I feel bad for him he sleeps all day as if he doesn’t have to work. He doesn’t have any friends because he is not social and I sometimes forget my aunts and uncles are his SIBLINGS because of how awkward he is with them. I mean at least he doesn’t drink a lot anymore(tbf the only reason is that whenever he does but alcohol my mum uses it to clean the toilet😂)

There’s also the fact that my dad is Christian and my mum is Muslim and he’s really trying to force it down my throat and then my mum is saying if I don’t chose a religion soon then she can’t put up with me anymore (whatever that is)

And then whenever I complain to my mum or do something wrong she always links it back to my dad somehow like I’m so sorry you married this dickhead I didn’t forever you to do that infact I tried to set you up with guys almost my entire childhood just so we could get out of here😒

Like as a human being I feel bad for both of them but as their daughter i feel confused ashamed annoyed and lonely in life like I’m drowning and someone just tied rocks to my ankles.

Also this may be a bit off topic but the fact that I have not siblings mad my friends all do (somehow I attack oldest daughters to be friends with me and yet they’re all younger than me 😂😂) like they always talk about how annoying it is to have siblings but at least they have someone to go to if they don’t have any friends like who am I supposed to turn to my mum😂 like she doesn’t even know what happens to me in school in general and I don’t think she cares either. Also I think my friends resent me idk maybe I’m dramatic but idk every time I open my mouth they all just reply in very annoyed tones.. they also always keep secrets from me like not even little things that don’t matter like they keep huge things from me like one of them somehow forgot to tell me that their sister wasn’t in that day because she was winning the league (school league) and one of them showed everyone else her prom dress but me like she said sent it to the group chat but it wasn’t there and I’d be fine with them making a separate group chat if I didn’t also find out that she sent the free to her friend who isn’t even her close circle of friends. I don’t want to cause drama though because GCSEs are coming up and stuff but I’m really starting to get worried that they really and truly hate me and they were like my only people to go to rant about(not in a way where I wouldn’t listen to their stuff or like tel l them everything but it was nice to just tell them stuff) and I feel like I’m losing them I don’t know but it’s really scaring me. Like I also think they do not care anymore, again maybe I’m being dramatic, but like I wasn’t in school for 2weeks because I was super sick and like wasn’t feeling okay mentally and all they said to me when I came in was “you wasted two whole weeks school that’s soo bad.” Like a “we missed you” would’ve been a little nice ya know but maybe I’m just overthinking that and making it all about me and I’m just a selfish only child who doesn’t know how to share attention.

Also one of my friends and I had an argument back in November over her (now) ex because he do wasn’t good for her like he was the worst and I texted her all of that, then she proceeded to let him read the messages and reply to them and be mean to me. THEN she admitted to also taking part in texting some of the mean shit that not only personally attacked me but my family and secrets I told her which also means that guy that I really hate also knows about them. But it was in a way a petty thing to be mad over ig because my friends convinced me of that so we sort have become friends again just so the friend group didn’t fall apart. But honestly I still feels like she holds a grudge against me for telling everyone what she did and them choosing to side with me(even though I said they could be fiends with her and I really didn’t care if they were or were not talking to her because it’s not my place to tell them that.) so I feel like that’s why she doesn’t tell me things and why she also still talks in an angry tone to me and points out literally anything I’ve done whenever I try to correct on something and here our friends to like also side with her no matter how little the thing is)

It’s just I feel alone and it’s the worst time to feel that way as well like there really shouldn’t be a time for me rn to be feeling anything but determined to pass my GCSEs but I genuinely do not know how to feel rn because there’s just soo much in my brain and I don’t know how to tune it down anymore it’s too much and I don’t have room to cry because my mum never lets me shut the door I hate this so much but know i just have to get through the next two years then I can go somewhere (I don’t even know where and with what money) and start fresh and find people who actually care so I don’t have to anonymously ranting on tumblr.

Sorry if this a lot I really am it’s just I’ve been keeping it in and I think it didn’t let Ito if I’d actually lose it

oh baby, this is so horrible! i’m so sorry you have to go through that! if you ever and i mean ever need to talk, you know where to find me 🫶🏼🫶🏼

[joekeeryswife]

Meeting eachother - C.H.C

this whole imagine is 3150 words 😳 i hope you enjoy it :) also this imagine is based on this gif->

you were Rhea Norwood’s younger sister. you were 16 years old and was very jealous when she got the part in Heartstopper. you really wanted to get the role as Imogen but obviously you didn’t. when she got it, she didn’t rub it in your face which you preferred. she wasn’t one of those people that would do that.

today, they Heartstopper cast were doing a music video shoot with Baby Queen and everyone’s families were invited to support each member. after the shoot everyone was going out for dinner so you decided to dress somewhat nice.

you put on a nice dress which wasn’t too short and some black converse. your hair was curled and you put on hardly any makeup. today was going to be hard. you wouldn’t want to admit it but you were very jealous. you were envious of your sister. you felt like you weren’t good enough in anything you did and your parents showed obvious favouritism.

you walked downstairs and saw everyone waiting for you. ‘come on y/n we are gonna be late’ you mum said, trying to hurry you down the stairs. ‘mum i’m literally here, i’m about to go get into the car’ you said, brushing past her.

you sat in the back of the car, next to Rhea. ‘that’s an interesting outfit’ you said, smirking a bit. she was wearing white overalls which were covered in stickers. ‘ok y/n, it’s for the shoot i didn’t ask to wear this’ she said, laughing softly. ‘you feeling okay? you know you didn’t have to come if you are uncomfortable’ she said, grabbing your hand that was on the middle seat of the car.

‘no i’ll be fine. i guess it’ll be nice and if not i asked Lauren if she wanted to meet if i felt uncomfortable. she just said text her whenever’ you said, smiling softly. you pulled your hand away and kept quite the whole car ride there. your parents and Rhea spoke about how amazing the opportunity was and you were sat on your phone, messaging Lauren the whole time.

Rhea kept looking over, seeing your upset face. ‘mum, dad, why don’t we talk about how well y/n is doing with her GCSEs? she’s just started them and she’s already doing amazing’ Rhea said, changing the subject quickly. ‘oh yes y/n i forgot you were doing them, why didn’t you tell us?’ your mum said, turning to look at you. ‘i did tell you mum, i spoke to you yesterday about my maths GCSE’ you said. how can she not remember?

‘okay well a lot has happened in the past twenty four hours. it must of just slipped my mind sorry. but well done, you will be amazing’ she said, not really showing any interest in the conversation. the rest of the car ride was silent. you went back on your phone to message your friends saying it was more than likely you would leave early so you could all meet up.

you finally arrived at the studio where they were filming and got out the car, seeing everyone outside in the same outfit as Rhea. you felt your phone buzz and looked down at it seeing Lauren was calling you. you looked at your parents who were chatting to Rhea so you quickly answered it.

‘hello? how’s it going’ she said, whispering. ‘Lauren why are you whispering? you aren’t on loud speaker talk as loud as you want’ you said laughing. ‘oh great. i didn’t want to cause an issue. is there any fit guys there’ she said, typical Lauren, only wanting to know if there was fit guys. you looked at the door where everyone was standing.

‘you know what, looking at the cast now they are all gorgeous.’ you said, looking at each person individually. ‘okay well y/n that does not help me one bit. give me details please’ she said, practically shouting. ‘okay Lauren calm down.’ you said laughing.

as you were looking at everyone, you noticed everyone started to walk inside so you followed closely behind your parents, still on the phone. ‘it’s hard to describe them now, i’m inside and it’s really awkward. please help me’ you said, a light blush covering your cheeks. ‘god y/n you’re so dramatic. would you like me to come over there with you?’ she said, sighing a bit.

‘oh my god yes please. i need to talk to someone i know. i’ll send the address and you can come here. i’ll come outside when you’re here’ you said, sending her the address. ‘oh good you’re only a 5 minutes walk away, i’ll come now’ she said, you heard her getting up from her bed and moved around her bedroom.

you were in the back garden with the parents and the cast was inside, shooting the first part of the video. you waited for a bit before Lauren sent a text saying she was practically outside so you walked past the mass of people and went inside.

as you were walking towards the door, you heard someone shout your name. you recognised the voice to be Rhea. ‘y/n? where are you going?’ she said, making the whole cast stop what they were doing and turn to you. you turned red. everyone was now looking at you. ‘i am uhh going to get Lauren. she’s outside’ you said, making eye contact with the boy you knew to be Sebastian. you didn’t really meet the cast before so you quickly turned away and looked at Rhea.

‘oh okay, do you know the password to get in?’ she said, everyone still staring at you. you felt like a deer in headlights. ‘no i don’t Rhea. why don’t you just message it to me. Lauren is waiting’ you said, walking out the door to see Lauren standing there. ‘fucking finally, i have been waiting out here for ages’ she said. ‘okay now you’re being dramatic’ you said, mimicking the words she said earlier.

‘haha very funny’ she said sarcastically. ‘so, are they boys fitter in real life?’ she said, a sneaky smile played on her lips. ‘well, i haven’t really been looking to be honest. but we are going back in there now so you can see for yourself?’ you said, seeing that Rhea had sent you the password. you unlocked the door and walked in again.

this time, only Rhea and Cormac stared at you guys. ‘oh Lauren it’s nice to see you’ Rhea said, coming over to you guys and gave her a hug. ‘yeah Rhea, it has been a long time hasn’t it’ she said, hugging her back softly. Lauren looked around the room at the cast. her eyes fell straight on Kit. of course she liked him, he’s all she goes on about. ‘woah, Kit is more gorgeous in real life’ she said, whispering in your ear. you looked at her and laughed a bit.

you guys walked past the group and made awkward eye contact with Cormac. he instantly turned his head to look at Kit and started up a conversation. you finally got outside and started talking to Lauren. ‘so, anything happened since i saw you yesterday?’ you said, laughing gently. you guys had a conversation about different drama which is happening in different friendship groups in your year before Lauren turned her head to look inside st the group.

‘that should be you in there y/n. don’t get me wrong i love your sister but you deserved that part more than anyone else’ she said softly, taking your hand and turned back to you. ‘also don’t look now but Cormac is staring right at you, don’t make it obvious i’ve said anything’ she said, smirking a bit.

you looked around the garden, pretending to be observing before looking into the room, seeing Cormac was in fact looking right at you. you turned away quickly and started blushing. ‘someone has a little crush on you’ Lauren sang in a taunting voice. she started laughing and you gave her the ‘stop’ look. you had to go out with these people and you didn’t want to make anything awkward.

you carried on with the conversation before they had finally finished the shoot, all you saw was everyone covered in different coloured paints. you were utterly confused. but nevertheless you ignored it. Lauren got a message saying she had to leave so you walked her to the door. ‘well, i hope you have fun with your new friends’ she said. laughing before hugging you. as you were outside, you watched her walk off before turning around to put the code back in. you put the code in but it didn’t work. ‘what?’ you said confused. why wasn’t it working?

you stared banging on the door, hoping Rhea would answer. it took about 3 minutes of banging on the door for someone to answer. and lucky for you it was Cormac. ‘jesus, why didn’t you just put the code in?’ he said, finally talking to you, he was smirking. ‘for your information i did put in the code but it didn’t work’ you said blushing again, walking past him swiftly and you walking into the garden to speak to your mum. great, the first encounter you had with him was him basically taking the piss.

you stood beside your mum, waiting for the person running the shoot to say that you could all go home and get dressed for dinner, and just as you were thinking this. he thanked everyone for coming and said we could go home and get ready for dinner. you and your mum walked to Rhea and she congratulated her. great. another encounter where Rhea is the favourite child.

you kept walking after hearing your mum say the same stuff over and over. you walked outside and started walking to the car. ‘excuse me’ you heard someone shout. you turned around and saw Kit coming over to you. ‘you’re y/n right?’ he said. wasn’t it obvious? Rhea had called your name in front of everyone. ‘well, yes i am. my sister called me out in front of everyone so i’m pretty sure everyone knows who i am’ you said, laughing a bit.

‘i just wanted to say, that. uhh. you look really pretty in that dress and uhh my friend has a crush on you’ he said. you were very confused and your facial expression let him know that. ‘that was a very weird mixture of words’ you said, still confused. ‘well. Cormac has a crush on you and i just wanted to compliment you. is he by the door?’ he said, smirking a bit. you shifted your focus to the door and saw Cormac, Sebastian and Tobie standing by the door, everyone else were in their little groups.

Cormac was looking in your guys’ direction. he looked absolutely pissed. once he saw you staring, he turned his head slightly, still looking angry. ‘yes he was, why?’ you said. you looked back at Kit and saw him going in for a hug, luckily they took of the white overalls. you hugged him back and saw your parents coming over to the car. ‘oh Kit, your friends were looking for you’ you mum said. your dad unlocked the car and you saw Kit walking back to Cormac. Cormac looked even more angry and you saw Kit laughing.

was he joking with you? you got into the car and just looked down. Rhea got in and saw the look on your face. ‘oh y/n, what’s the matter?’ she said, sympathy laced in her voice. ‘nothing. i’m fine’ you said, turning to look out the window. the drive home was filled with praise to Rhea and you felt as if you wanted to curl up in a ball and never come out.

you finally reached home and went straight upstairs to get ready for dinner. you changed into a different dress, it was white and covered in tiny red roses that were scattered in different patterns. you decided to wear some white air force 1s with it and you kept your hair the same.

it was around 7:32pm when you all left for the restaurant. you were sat on your phone messaging your friendship group chat, telling everyone that you didn’t want to be there and how awkward it would be.

they all reassured you that it would be okay and you would be fine. you put your phone down and saw that you had 10 minutes till you would arrive at the restaurant. you saw Rhea kept looking over at you. ‘i have something to tell you’ she said, smirking a bit. ‘what’s happened now?’ you said, her smirk grew wider. ‘Cormac has a crush on you. he said he felt really bad for how he spoke to you earlier when you got locked out. he said he should have spoken to you with a more kinder tone’ she said, mimicking him a bit.

why was everyone telling you this? what if you start speaking to me and then it’s all a joke. ‘and before you say is this a joke because i can see the way you think. he saw you at the auditions and wanted you to get the role so he could talk to you. he hasn’t stopped talking about you and when he found out you were my sister he got even more excited’ she said, looking into your eyes and smiled softly. ‘he really likes you’ she said.

when you started to watch Heartstopper, you did really like Cormac. he was your type to a tea and finding out that you would be seeing him today made you nervous. you finally arrived at the restaurant and saw everyone waiting outside, this time there were more of peoples family’s there. you saw Kit with his mum and dad and his brother.

you got out of the car and Rhea linked arms with you. everyone was dressed nicely as it was quite a posh restaurant. you all greeted each other and walked into the restaurant. everyone quickly got seated and left two seats, one next to Rhea and one next to Kit, there was a gap between them where the two seats were sat and you quickly sat next to Rhea. the only other person who didn’t have a seat was Cormac. he sat down next to Kit and started up a conversation with him. you were speaking to Rhea when you felt someone kick your leg.

‘oh sorry, i didn’t meant to kick you’ you turned to Cormac and saw him smile softly. ‘oh no don’t worry about it’ you said. you felt awkward and you didn’t know why. maybe it was because you didn’t really know anyone but for you, the environment just felt off. you felt your phone buzz and saw your friend Ruby calling you. you told Rhea you were going outside and she knew what to order for you.

you got up from the table and went outside to take the call. you answered the phone and talked to Ruby for about twenty minutes, you spoke to her about how you were feeling and it got you a bit upset. only her and Lauren knew that you auditioned for the role and they were there when you found out you didn’t get it. you felt so ashamed for even thinking you would get it and you did have a few tears falling down your face. she also knew about your parents and how you felt about them but you carried on venting to her about your problems after she vented about hers.

what you didn’t know is whilst you were outside, Rhea had asked Cormac to go out to check if you were okay. you heard the door open and quickly wiped your tears. you turned to see Cormac walking towards you. ‘i was asked to come check on you so i did and- woah wait are you okay?’ he said, walking faster to you. you weee sat on the wall near the restaurant. he jumped up onto the wall and sat next to you.

he hesitantly put his arm around your shoulder. ‘sorry Ruby, i have to go, i’ll call you when i get home’ you said. you said your goodbyes and ended the call. ‘are you alright?’ he said, in a genuine voice. ‘oh yeah i’m fine, she was just talking about something sad and it made me teary’ you said, trying to give a convincing smile. ‘i can tell you aren’t fine’ he said. ‘you can talk to me if you like?’ he carried on, you laughed a little. ‘you don’t even know me and i don’t know you’ you said, after he finished his sentence.

‘well you do sorta know me, i work with your sister’ he said, laughing a bit. great, yeah he worked with your sister on a role you really wanted. ‘i know you wanted her role. you really deserved it’ he said, seeing your face from his choice of words previous. you smiled and thanked him softly. ‘now, are you gonna come back inside? it’s pretty boring without you there’ he said, wiping a few tears that had fallen down your cheeks. ‘we haven’t even spoken in there’ you said, you felt his arm drop from your shoulder and he jumped down from the wall. he extended an arm out to help you down and you gladly took it.

you thanked him and gave him a hug, before you both walked back into the restaurant. ‘anything happen?’ Rhea said. you smiled at her softly but didn’t say a word. you guys ate your food and laughed together. after dinner, everyone paid their part of the bill and we all got up and walked outside. you and Cormac started chatting before his parents called him and told him to get into the car. you guys stopped the conversation you were having and he hugged you before he walked away to the car.

you went to you car and saw Rhea smirking. ‘having fun?’ she said. ‘actually yes i was’ you said smirking back. you guys spoke the whole way home and once you got home, you went upstairs and got changed into your pyjamas. after you went into Rhea’s room and started chatting. you yet again felt your phone buzz and you saw that you had a message from an unknown number. the text said “hey, it’s Cormac :)” you were shocked. how did he get your number? “oh hey, how are you?” you replied. ‘how had Cormac got my number?’ you asked Rhea, she looked up from her phone and smirked. ‘so he really messaged you?’ she said.

wow. this girl really gave him your number. hopefully, this could progress into something beautiful.

[gingerbreadmonsters]

the library of lamentation: study session 01

or: curses and hexes is a really hard class, isn't it? luckily, satan has some recommendations.

ginger's headcanons about magic, humans, demons, and demon-human magic in 2400 words or less. this is a long one! one non-specific mention of alcohol and medicines, but that's about it. horrible bastardisations of actual science and terrible demon puns ahead - reader discretion is advised.

On the Oni-gin of Species: Demon Biology for Beginners

(scientists dni, i took gcse triple science a long time ago and you will probably cry, i can only apologise)

i imagine demons to be, on average, a little bit bigger than humans

their proportions are still the same and everything, they’re just like…… if you hit 1.25x on humans, that’s about how big i think they’d be

i.e. if you’re already quite short, i can only apologise for the inconvenience when it comes to things like steep stairs and high shelves

if you’re quite tall, you’re actually at an advantage here, because you’re probably within the rough height boundaries (albeit maybe on the lower end) that demon stuff is made for

apologies wing kink enthusiasts but i would guess that horns, wings, tails etc are probably not specific erogenous zones

it would be pretty impractical for something like horns, which are designed for fighting, to evolve to be really sensitive - using them to fight would be really painful if there were loads of nerves involved

that’s not to say that body parts like tails or wings are totally insensitive or anything - they’re just extra limbs, and there are definitely some ways of touching them that feel better than others - take that as you will

however, i do think that some demonic markings are especially sensitive, but this is really a case-by-case basis

markings that are naturally there (like that blue-green colouration on the ends of barbatos’ tail) don’t have any particular sensitivity, because despite the colour, there’s nothing different about the demon’s actual body going on underneath there

however, pact marks and other magically-created markings are more sensitive because they contain a higher concentration of magical energy

when a pact is formed, the mark you see is magical energy literally bonding itself to your skin (and also your soul, but that’s a slightly different matter)

it’s kind of like having an electric buzzer permanently attached to you (although the feeling isn’t quite as strong) - when you touch it or press it, some of the energy within the mark comes into contact with the surrounding nerves, which makes them go all fizzy

we don’t actually get to see a huge amount of natural-born demons in canon, so unfortunately i can’t draw a huge number of conclusions about this topic

HOWEVER

by this theory, i think the marks that the boys (i.e. the brothers) have in their demon forms are sensitive in the way that doesn’t happen with natural demons

(with the exception of satan, sorry everyone)

these guys were angels first, right? 

and they didn’t turn into demons willingly - their demon forms were figuratively forced upon them to replace their angelic bodies

and how do you go about doing that? i’d wager that their transformation into demons probably involved an IMMENSE amount of magic to make that happen

my point being, their demon forms were formed almost exclusively through magical energy being used to convert their bodies - sound familiar? it should, because that’s basically just a super-charged version of what we just said happens when you make a pact

so belphie’s cow spots? asmo’s heart-things on his arm? mammon’s go-faster stripes? lucifer’s forehead diamond? ring ring that is a whole lot of magic in a not-very-large space

hence, sensitivity :)

The Ma-genie-cian’s Nephew: An Introduction to Magical Theory

see, i suspect that the reason demons (and possibly angels too?) possess innate magical capabilities in the way that humans do not is because they are literally made of magic

that’s not to say that they’re like… incorporeal or anything - they have physical bodies that are made of stuff like hydrogen and carbon and potassium, same as humans

but their internal organs don’t convert food into energy the same way ours do

for one, devildom foods aren’t just made of physical matter, like ours, but they also contain magical energy as a result of evolving for millennia in the magically-saturated environment of the devildom

demon bodies, which run partly on magic, need some way of getting that energy inside them - breathing in devildom air, while that does provide some magic, is not going to be enough to replace all of the energy you lose through both performing magic, and just existing as a magically-powered being

what that means is that demons digest food in two ways - they get nutrients from food in the same way as us, where they’re absorbed into your blood via your intestines

and they also absorb the latent magical energy within the food at the same time

is it possible to convert non-magical food into magical energy? yes, and demons can do this (for example, if they’re stuck in the human world for a long time - see: asmodeus being forced to “help” solomon build his temple), but most of the time they don’t need to, because they live in a place where the food has magic in it by default

this is part of the reason why the air (especially in places with high concentrations of magical energy) and food in the devildom can sometimes be problematic for humans like mc and solomon, and why we don’t react to certain substances the same way

take the gold hellfire newt syrup from lesson 22 - it contains a particular combination of actual elements (the actual physical stuff that it’s made of) and magic, and the mixture of the two is what produces a particular effect on demons (i.e. insatiable… arousal? still not quite sure exactly what it did to them, but the sheer amount of kissing that goes on suggests something like that)

this is also the case with stuff like demonus (see: asmo’s failed drinking contest with mc) and the lunatic pudding (see: that diavolo devilgram that i wish i owned) - these are able to have some sort of effect on mc, but that effect is not the same as it would be on a demon, because the way the human body breaks down and processes these foods is different

it stands to reason that the reverse is also true - human things like alcohol and medicines (stuff like painkillers, sedatives, stimulants, etc) will sometimes have the intended effect if they deal with bits of the brain/body that work the same way in demons, but it’s very common for them to either not work at all, or to do something unexpected

(reports also indicate that differences between demon and human taste receptors also cause the taste of certain foods to be different, particularly those which are not common to both realms or which contain high concentrations of magical energy)

it is currently hypothesised that angels also follow these same patterns, but for some reason the celestial realm doesn’t seem to like letting demon scientists run around doing experiments on angels? not quite sure what’s going on with that, but until then - or at least until simeon starts returning our calls - no solid conclusions can be drawn

going back to the whole demons-are-made-of-magic thing, this also accounts for why more powerful demons tend to be physically larger in size - they need more physical mass in order to store and channel that much magic, and the fact that they have lots of magical energy naturally increases their mass

take demons like diavolo or lucifer, who possess enormous quantities of magical energy, and thus require more mass to counterbalance this - smaller demons would not be able to keep that much magic in reserve, and if they tried to use that much power in one go, the surge of energy would probably cause their physically weaker bodies to degrade or be totally obliterated

(this theory runs along the same lines as the human principle of “mass-energy equivalence”, although closer investigation is needed, seeing as there are some notable exceptions like barbatos, who possesses incredibly vast magical power but is built like a more petite demon)

humans do have some built-in magical potential, and there are various ways to increase this, with varying degrees of efficacy

but as our only real canon humans to observe are mc (who has some sort of weird angel blood thing going on, plus seven highly unusual pacts) and solomon (whose continued existence is probably a crime against science), i’m going to reserve judgement on how exactly i think humans and magic interact with one another

The Great Pact-sby: Examining the Science of Pact-Making (2nd ed. foreword by Solomon the Wise)

so now that we know a bit more about how magical energy works, what does that mean for demon-human pacts?

we only really have access to information about mc’s pacts with the boys, and even then we don’t know a huge amount, so the vast majority of this is speculation, very loosely based in canon

there are various types of pacts between demons and humans, and each one has varying creation conditions, uses, side effects etc

however, one hard and fast rule is that pacts can only be created between one human and one demon at a time - it is possible to bond multiple humans and multiple demons together, but that’s a separate process that would take far too long to cover here

when a pact is formed, the individual magical energies of the human and demon combine to form one pact, with a unique magical signature that is specific to the pair

this mixing of energy causes a pact mark to form on both the demon and the human - it’s currently unknown exactly what causes pact marks to differ in appearance (size, shape, colour, shine, and so forth) but it’s likely to be a combination of:

a) the difference in raw magical power between the two pact-mates

b) the type of pact formed

c) the cardinal sin that the demon is associated with (e.g. wrath, sloth)

pact mark formation works as described previously, where the combined magical energy of the pact bonds to your skin to form a mark that is unique to your and your pact-mate (see: On the Oni-gin of Species: Demon Biology for Beginners)

one of the reasons that you can’t pact-bond two humans together is because humans do not possess the inherent connection with a single cardinal sin that is necessary for a pact to form. in magic, all humans are considered to be capable of all sins (albeit to varying degrees), and thus cannot draw upon a cardinal sin to invoke a pact in the same way as a demon

that’s not to say that two humans can’t bond themselves together by other means, because they absolutely can - the most common method is through blood magic, or some other exchange of biological material

however, the most important reason that humans (and also the reason that two demons, regardless of their sin associations, and angels of all varieties) can’t form pacts together is because pacts are based on one of the oldest principles of sin - temptation

while this is not always the case when pacts are actually made (see: mc’s pacts with the boys), the magical basis for pacts is linked to the inherent inclination of demons to tempt humans to sin, and thus pacts originated as a way of allowing demons to attach themselves to humans (and by extension attach their sin to the human)

as a result, it is magically impossible to create a pact between any two entities unless one is a human and one is a demon, and both are currently in possession of their own soul

2nd edition addendum : notes on mark appearance

pact marks can only form continuously (i.e. they must appear unbroken on the body - for example, you can’t have a pact mark over your fingers or on your hair, where the shape of the mark can be split up when you move. it is, however, possible to have marks on your scalp, or along your fingers, as long there are no interruptions in the appearance of the mark). 

marks can be physically removed, such as by severing the limb upon which it appears, but pacts themselves cannot be removed by an outside party, and they can only be dissolved with the consent of both pact-mates. 

this is because pact formation magically bonds the souls of the human and demon together - in magical theory, the soul is considered to be the ultimate embodiment of the self, and therefore can only be manipulated by oneself unless permission is granted to another party.

pact marks can emit light, and will do so to varying degrees depending on certain conditions - generally speaking, the more powerful your pact-mate is, the brighter the mark will be. for those whose pact-mate is significantly more magically powerful than themselves, marks have been known to spark or fizz (or, in one memorable instance, catch fire - for those interested, please consult the Devildom Royal Archive for the relevant RAD incident report) when channelling high amounts of energy.

the most common example is when a pact is invoked or used in some way - the mark will glow as magical energy surges within the pact, causing it to heat up in much the same way as a lightbulb filament.

other instances of pact marks emitting light, changing temperature, or otherwise behaving strangely have been reported, particularly when one or both of the pact-mates is experiencing intense emotion, significant distress, or unusual magical fluctuations (e.g. being flooded with magical energy by a spell).

there are no known instances of pact-mates being able to communicate explicitly using a pact (e.g. via telepathy), but they can be used to convey simpler concepts, such as emotions, over long distances by manipulating the flow of energy within the pact.

this manipulation is what creates the signature “push-pull” effect of a pact, where magical energy can be transferred from one pact-mate to another (see: mc basically pouring power into asmo during diavolo’s retreat), and which is a key principle in all pact-based demon summoning.

looks like that's everything satan gave you. i wonder what else you might find while you're here?

this is an original work by @gingerbreadmonsters - please do not repost or misattribute

[sawwyfac3]

Sal Fisher SFW Alphabet A-P

Hi everyone! I know I’m not as active as I’d like to be but I am a student doing my GCSE’s during a pandemic and I deal with bad procrastination so I’m giving myself limited time on things that aren’t than work. But I’m writing some NSFW for Sal and Larry which is going to be out *VERY* soon along with some other head cannons. I hope your all happy, safe and hydrated! Have a nice day/night <3

A = Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? how do they spend their free time?)

- When Sal spends time with his S/O, sometimes you just lay down, and just talk about random things or how each others day went or even in complete silence, basking in each others warmth and the love you feel for one another. Other times you take time doing each others hobbies, such as Sal teaching you how to play guitar

- You don't go outside much though, as Sal prefers the safety and comfort of being indoors, but if you want to go to the park or something with him he won't object.

B = Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?)

- What Sal admires most about you is your kindness, he thinks that your open mindedness and not judging others by first impression or appearance is the most beautiful thing about you. He also admires how you're able to see the beauty in anything, even in someone like him.

C = Comfort (how do they help their s/o when they feel down? what makes them feel better?)

- It depends on what type of person you are. If you require some alone time, Sal will do just that but he will check up on you occasionally. If you need human affection or someone to talk to, Sal's your guy.

D = Dreams (how do they picture their future with their s/o and in general?)

- He pictures his future with his S/O in a plethora of ways, he wouldn't mind getting married or having a kid or two and if he or you find out or realize that you can't have/don't want kids, he's fine having some fur babies instead.

E = Equal (are they the dominant one in the relationship or are they rather passive?)

- Sal is neither dominant or passive, you are both equal in your relationship

F = Fight (how quick are they to forgive their s/o? what are they like in an argument? who says sorry first?)

- He absolutely HATES it when you two fight, although it happens rarely, but when it does happens it's quite serious. Depending on the degree of the argument either he and his S/O will apologise and make up. However, if it's REALLY bad, your going to have to give him some time, this doesn't mean that he won't apologise or expect you to, he just needs time to collect himself and his thoughts.

G = Gifts (what kind of things do they gift to their s/o? are they spontaneous or do they stick to special events like anniversaries?)

- He's not really spontaneous with gifts, he normally sticks to anniversaries but sometimes he finds a cool accessory that he thinks would suit you and gives it to you.

H = Heart Eyes (what are they like in love? is it obvious to others? how do they express their love? do they brag about their s/o to others?)

- When Sal is in love it's kinda obvious, however because of his prosthetic it's harder to detect his emotions unless you've been around him for a while. Sal in love includes: awkwardness and stuttering, longing gazes and locking eyes for a little too long and him blushing HARD whenever you compliment him (when he blushes his ears go red)

Example: "Wow Sal! Your so good at playing guitar!" "I-uh, t-thanks Y/n!"

- Sal is a romantic at heart who expresses his love through words and affection, I headcannon that Sal is kinda touch starved, so he longs for intimacy in a relationship. In public he's too shy to full on cuddle or make out with you but he does put his arm around your shoulders and if he's feeling more confident, your waist. He also holds your hand EVERY TIME you walk together, mainly because he's afraid that if he lets go, something bad will happen and you'll never come back.

- He doesn't really brag but sometimes he rambles on about you and how amazing you are.

I = Impression (what first attracted them to their s/o? how accurate was their first impression to how their s/o actually is?)

- The thing that first attracted Sal to you was your looks, he's not shallow but he doesn't mind a cute face. Later on he realised that he was full on attracted was when he got to know you and got to see your nature. His first impression of you was that you were a cute, kind person. So he wasn't too far off the accuracy scale.

J = Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? how do they deal with it?)

- He doesn't really get jealous, he trusts you, but sometimes he can't help it. When Sal does deal with jealousy, he tries not to show it, but he's kinda bad at it as his tone of voice becomes a lot more deep and harsh and he gets more handsy with you.

K = Kiss (are they a good kisser? what was their first kiss like? where do they kiss the most?)

- Surprisingly, Sal's a good kisser, even with little to no experience. Sal's a fast learner, so he soon learns what you both like and don't like. Your first kiss was sweet but short.

- (he practices kissing with his mask but you don't need to know that). He mostly kisses your lips, forehead and cheeks, if he's feeling a little saucy he'll kiss your collarbone or your neck.

L = Little Things (what are the little things they love about their s/o? are they attentive?)

- The little things Sal loves about his S/O is your little habits, such as doodling, playing with your hair, etc. Sal is very attentive, he notices things that even you didn't notice about yourself.

M = Marriage (do they want to get married? how do they propose? what would the wedding be like?)

- Sal wants to get married, he just loves being domestic in general. Sal proposes to you after at least 5-6 years of dating, he would take you to Wendigo lake for a picnic and asks you to marry him as the sun sets.

- You and Sal's wedding would be a private affair, in a small venue with only close friends and family in attendance.

N = Nicknames (what do they call their s/o? what do they get called?)

- He goes for the minimal, "babe" most of the time but sometimes he'll call you baby, sweetie, etc. You call Sal "babe" as well most of the time, but sometimes you call him honey, love and baby blue

O = Open (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? is it easy for them to share?)

- He hardly hides anything from you, but if it's something that could get you hurt or entirely out of his and your control, he'll try his best to keep it from you. But the thought of lying to you makes him feel sick to his stomach.

- It isn't really easy for him to share with someone he isn't close with but with you he feels like he can tell you anything.

P = Pancakes (are they a good cook? how often do they cook for their s/o? breakfast in bed or fancy dinner dates?)

- Sal has to make himself food when Henry isn't home, so he's a pretty decent cook. If his S/O is interested in cooking, he'll probably borrow some cook books of Lisa and try some different things. 

[enthusiasticharry]

The Secrets You Keep

summary: you're a stripper, and you meet Harry off shift. what happens when he finds out?

request: hiiii would you be able to do something like stripper y/n? not where they meet at the club or anything but something natural like at a cafe or something but she keeps it from him bc she thinks he’ll leave her? then he has a guys night at the strip club and sees her perform? but he loves it and she’s a bit embarrassed? idk but that kinda vibe if ur up for it! X

word count: 8.3k words of fluff, smut and angst if you squint (and i really mean squint) also not proofread, sorry! 

masterlist    |    asks

It never occurred to you that once you left full time education you’d end up becoming a stripper. It wasn’t the occupation you had envisioned for yourself, but it was the one that paid the best money and even though it shouldn’t be — money was the thing that you needed the most. You lived in a small, one bedroom flat that you shared with your Grandma who had no income and little pension meaning that you was the only source of income for the two of you. Obviously it was hard upon you, but your Grandma had done so much for you when you were younger that you wanted to help her as much as you possibly could. Granted, finding a job as an eighteen year old that was enough to help pay the bills and for the treatment your Grandmother needed wasn’t the easiest, and that was how you stumbled across the club and the jobs there. Your Grandma didn’t know how you received your income, and you planned to keep it that way for as long as you physically could. 

“Have you got any private dances today?” Jocelyn, also known as Sapphire amongst the people in the club, asked as she started fixing her makeup in the mirror next to yours. 

“I don’t know.” You sighed, spraying a small amount of hairspray upon your curls, “I haven’t spoken to Elliot yet.” 

“Apparently some big shot businessmen are coming in tomorrow.” Ruby adds from the other side of you, applying a lipstick that matched her name to her lips. 

“Ugh.” Sapphire groaned, “That means old men with small dicks wanking to us instead of being with their probably very lovely, loving wives at home.” 

“They lust after the taboo.” You add, applying a small amount of lipgloss to your lips, “They want what they can’t have, and brag when they get it.” 

“They have money though.” Ruby shrugged, “Haven’t had many tips this week. I’d probably do anything for a couple hundred quid tomorrow.” 

“Not anything Ruby.” You turn to look at her, shaking your head at the younger girl, “Stand your ground. Don’t let them take advantage of you.” 

“I won’t.” She smiled, “I learnt from the best.” 

“And don’t you forget it.” 

As a fresh eighteen year old, just as Ruby was now, you could’ve only hoped for someone to help you and guide you through the trails and tribulations you endured at the club. That’s why you sort of took the younger girl under your wing and helped her as much as possible. 

It wasn’t a lot. Granted, with what they did the majority of it was on their own upon the stage or in a private dance but you wanted to make sure she had small tips to help her handle herself in any situation that could occur and that she someone to talk to if she ever needed it. 

“Are you working tomorrow, Emerald?” Emerald was your stage name. 

“No.” You sigh happily, “It’s my day off.” 

“Enjoy yourself, you deserve it.” Ruby smiled. 

You certainly did. 

The next morning, after helping your Grandma get ready and to the hospital, you make your way towards the small café you usually went to during your Grandmother’s chemo sessions. They usually lasted around three hours, and whilst you offered to stay with her, she usually forced you to leave and spend some time on your own, claiming she didn’t want you to see her at her worst.

The spring days had just started to warm up, so you dressed yourself in a summer dress you had picked up for cheap at a charity shop. You carried your tote bag with your book in over your shoulder as you pushed past the people on the street.

It wasn’t usually this busy, and looking around you saw no free tables but a few free chairs dotted around. Your favourite table, tucked away in the far right corner by the window had been taken by a man sat reading, just as you would’ve been. You toy back and forth with the idea of going to sit over there as you walk over to the counter. 

You order your usual, a peach iced tea, and wait for the kind barista to make it. Your free days, usually, landed sporadically. They normally occurred when your grandmother either had chemo or a hospital appointment and that’s only because she can sometimes be really ill after them and needed you to look after her. Even though Elliot was not a good person by any means, he understood your situation and did help as little as he could. 

“Excuse me.” The man looked up from this book at you, “Is this seat taken?” 

“Uh. . .” 

“It’s fine if it’s not!” Your quick to add, “There’s just no other seats.” 

“No.” Your smile falters, “No! I mean that the seats not taken. It’s yours.” 

“Thank you.” You drop your tote bag down on the floor, holding your hand out to the man, “I’m YN.” 

“Harry.” He shakes your outstretched hand. 

There was something oddly familiar about him, but you couldn’t quite place your finger on why. He dressed quite casually, a punny t-shirt that said something about health on it and you didn’t want to seem too weird and bend down to look at what he had on his bottom half but you suspected it was something just as interesting. 

You take your book out of your bag and place it on the table in front of you, flicking through the pages until you found the page you had left off at. 

As a child you loved to read. Your grandmother always read you a bedtime story before bed and it lead to English being your best subject at school. Whether it be the creative writing aspect, or the analytic — you were just good at it. It was your highest grade at GCSE, an A, and your highest grade at A Level, a B.

You didn’t exchange any more words with Harry the entire time you were there. Periodically you looked up at him, and somewhere deep down you hoped that he did the same for you but you couldn’t be too sure. The book that he was reading seemed interesting enough, something about watermelon, you had noticed. You had a slight suspicion that it wasn’t about watermelon but you could never be too sure you supposed. 

A whine almost escaped your lips when you realised that you had to go pick up your Grandmother and your book had just gotten interesting. That was the problem when you read, you could sit and do it for hours and not even look up. It was something so interesting to you that you could immerse yourself in a world different to the one you lived in and slip out of reality for however long and return back to normal as though nothing had happened. 

“Thank you for letting me sit here.” You smile as you pack your bag up, “Goodbye.” 

“Bye.” 

You left feeling sort of fuzzy inside. You hadn’t spoken to the man at all really, but he was kind and certainly handsome with his tousled brown hair and gentle smile. That was probably going to be the last time that you saw him, and you probably should’ve asked for his number at least but you didn’t and that was why you walked away with him laying heavy upon your mind.

The next day, you wanted nothing more than to leave in the middle of your shift and curl up on the sofa. Instead, you were stood in a private room in the back of the club swirling your hips for a man sat upon a chair in the middle. 

“You’re fucking fit.” He moans, and you almost throw up in your mouth. 

“Thank you.” 

You move yourself so you’re hovered over his lap, twisting your hips to beat of the sultry song spilling out of the speakers. If you didn’t need the money, or have a bills to pay you certainly wouldn’t be doing this. 

“Fucking sort.” That’s when his hand drops down upon your behind, squeezing the flesh harshly. 

You stand up, flipping around so that you’re looking at him, “Hands off.” 

“Babe.” He throws his head back, “C’mon I’ve paid bags for this dance.” 

“And you pay for a dance, and the rules state no touching.” 

He holds his hands up in surrender, “I’m sorry. Won’t happen again, babe.” 

“Better not.” 

It does, and that’s when you get up and leave. He still has to pay, which is a plus but it just isn’t the best feeling. The job you do isn’t one that people necessarily respect you for, but there are rules in place to help with that. You and the other dancers within the club were human beings and deserved the rights that any other person has. 

“You okay?” Ruby presses her hand to your shoulder as you powder your under-eyes, “I heard he was touching.” 

“Yeah.” You smile at her through the mirror, “Started behind and they he just full on groped me.” 

“Men are pigs.” 

“I second that statement.” You laugh, “But you know what they’ll say.” 

“That we teased and antagonised them to do it.”

Throwing her a deadpan look, you nod. It was something that you had dealt with for the past six years of your life and even though you did hate it and wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow you up every time it happened — you had gotten used to it. 

“Did you have a nice day off yesterday?” 

“I did thank you.” You smile, “Read a bit. Spent some time with my Grandma.” 

“Sounds lovely.” Her face then twists into one that you can’t quite pinpoint, “You didn’t miss much here.” 

“The businessmen not up too much?” 

“No they paid well.” She nodded, “We just had to watch them wank their micropenises at us.” 

You curl your nose up at the thought, “That sounds pleasant.” 

“Totally.” She snorts. 

“Emerald. Ruby.” Elliot sticks his head into the room, “Get your asses back out there.” 

Ruby rolls her eyes and you laugh. Your job certainly wasn’t your favourite but some of the people around you made it more pleasant.

Two weeks later you find yourself sat in the corner of the café down the road from the hospital, your book open in front of you and a peppermint tea sat upon the table in a pot. Your Grandmother’s second round of chemo was slowly coming to the end of its stint and even though you wanted nothing more than for her to be back to the epitome of health, you would miss spending time at this small café. 

“Hi.” You lift your head up to see Harry stood there, slightly breathless, “Is this seat taken?” 

“It’s yours.” You smile, watching him drop his book on the table.

This time you could see his entire outfit. A white t-shirt with some writing on that you missed, a floral shirt over the top paired with red corduroy flares. You were right the last time that you met him —he did have an amazing sense of style. You, however, bought whatever was the cheapest or on sale that seemed acceptable to wear in public. 

“How have you been?” 

“I’ve been okay.” You smile, “You?” 

“Good, thanks.” He scratches the base of his neck, “I haven’t seen you in a while.” 

“Oh.” You have to stop yourself from smiling too much, “I only come when my Grandma has an appointment and they’re usually two weeks apart.” 

“Ah.” He nods before his face curls, “I’m sorry if that seemed creepy.” 

“It didn’t.” You can’t help the butterflies that erupt within your stomach, “I just thought I wouldn’t see you again.” 

“Couldn’t let that happen.” Heat rises up your neck as he beams.

“No complaints about that from me.” 

“That’s good.” He rests his hand upon his chest, letting out a deep breath, “Thought I was punching a little over my weight.” 

“You’re not.” You cheeks hurt from smiling, “It’s cute.” 

He looks down at his book. He seemed so shy, as though he had a confidence to talk to people but once they complimented him or something to do with him it completely changed. It was intriguing. He was already nicer to you than most people you’ve met of the opposite sex in your life and you’re let to learn anything about him apart from the fact that he reads Bukowski and likes black coffee — it certainly wasn’t much to go on. 

“How long do we have until you have to go back to your Grandma?” 

“Not long.” You sigh sadly, “I’m sorry.” 

“No, I understand, it’s okay.” He flashes you a small smile, “Can I walk you back to the hospital?” 

You ponder his offer for a second, “Yeah. I’d like that.”

You walk back to the hospital brushing arms with one of the nicest people you’d ever met, and you couldn’t be happier. 

“Has your Grandma been having treatment for long?” 

“It’s her second round.” You explained, “They originally removed the tumour and it went away but it came back. They caught it quickly and she’s back in bay 11 for three hours every two weeks.” 

“I’m sorry.” He sighs, “That must’ve been tough.” 

You shrug, “She’s a fighter, I know she is.” 

“I don’t doubt she is.” He smiles, “She’s got an amazing granddaughter to stay alive for.” 

The walk to the hospital isn’t long enough in your opinion. You speak about a few things, and you learn he does music and that’s when you put two and two together and realise that he’s actually Harry Styles from One Direction. Harry wished he could’ve recorded your reaction when you realised. 

Harry had never met someone like you, and he had met a lot of people in his life. You were sweet, and kind and so gentle but also confident and held yourself in such a strong way that he couldn’t help but want to know you, the real you. 

“This is it.” You stop in front of the entrance closest to the chemo ward, “Thank you for walking me.” 

“It’s no problem.” He smiles, “I hope this doesn’t sound too weird, but can I get your number?” 

“Uh. . . yeah.” 

“Great.” He beams, “At least now I won’t have to hope you show up at the café.” 

You swear you felt your heart burst. 

During your shift a couple of weeks later, you don’t notice your phone light up a message. You actually don’t notice at all until you arrived home that night. You had already checked on your Grandma, who was sound asleep in bed, and that’s when you allowed yourself to drop down upon the sofa with a sigh. 

Seeing an unknown number pop up on your screen at first had confused you, but once you had looked further into it, your palms started sweating. 

Hi YN. It’s Harry. I know it’s been a while but I’ve been trying to figure out what to say. I hope you and your Grandma are well. 

Your heart starts to beat faster. The message you had awaited for weeks was here and you had no idea how to act, never mind what too reply back with. The only thing that spiralled around within your mind was that he had been thinking about you. 

In your head, you imagined him pacing around in his large house trying to figure out what to send you, just like they do in the movies. You at least hoped that was what he had been doing over the past couple of weeks. 

Hi Harry! It’s lovely to hear from you, sorry it’s late. I’m okay, Grandma’s getting there. How are you? 

You throw your phone down on the sofa next to you, trying not to giggle like you did as a schoolgirl whenever you were messaging boys. You nearly cried whenever you phone ran out of credit and you’d end up having to run to the store to get a top up in the morning with your spending money and explaining to them what had happened. You were thankful that your upgrade didn’t need that. 

I’m okay. Glad to hear about your Grandma. I know this is probably really weird and totally out of the blue, but are you free this weekend? I’m leaving next week for a little while and I really want to see you before I do. 

In your head, you ignore the end of the message about him leaving and focus on the fact that he wants to see you. Harry Styles wants to see you. You hoped it was a date, everything pointed it to be a date but you didn’t want get too ahead of yourself. 

You haven’t had a boyfriend since your first year of Sixth Form, and the first date you were going on since then was going to be with Harry Styles of all people. 

If you pull some strings, work an extra long shift on Saturday and please some of Elliot’s special clients — you may be able to get Friday night off. It was a maybe, but over the next two days you could make it a yes. You hoped that you could make it a yes. 

You’ve never, in your six years of working at the club, missed any of your shifts for anything other than your Grandma suddenly falling ill, and those were on rare occasions. You certainly deserved this day off.

I’ll have to check with my boss but I think I could do Friday night? If that’s not a problem for you. 

You have to bite your lip to stop yourself from internally freaking out. 

Sounds perfect. How about I pick you up at 8? 

You wince. It wasn’t as though your were embarrassed of where you lived because you weren’t. You’ve worked hard to be able to pay for the flat and everything in it but there was something about showing it to someone who you’ve only just met and had no intention of explaining your situation to wasn’t on the top of your priority list. 

Is there any chance I could meet you somewhere? 

Of course. Where do you fancy eating? Italian? Thai? 

Italian sounds good. 

Great. I’ll send you details over. 

Thank you :) 

See you then, YN. Sweet dreams. 

Night, Harry. 

You slept well that night. 

“I just don’t think I can spare you Friday.” Elliot sighs, “I’m sorry YN.” 

You have to stop yourself from wanting to cry. You don’t use up all your holiday days, and you work way more than you should or that you’re paid for but you don’t complain and you just get on with it. The one time you ask for a shift off, his stubborn ass says that he cant do it. 

“Please, Elliot.” You sign, tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear, “I just need this day off.” 

“And I need my best girl on the floor. Need the best of the best.” 

“There are plenty of other better girls than me working here.” 

He shakes his head, “You’re the favourite, YN. Need you to be there.” 

“Elliot.” You sigh, leaning forward in the uncomfortable seat you were sat in, “I’ve worked for you for six years and I’ve never asked for a day off like this before.” 

“Yeah but—”

“—and! I’ve never asked for a day off apart from going to the hospital and you know that.” 

“I couldn’t exactly say no to you—”

“I’ve worked every shift you’ve ever asked me to, covered for people when you need it.” 

“Stop it!” He holds his hand up to silence you, “Just shut up for a second.” 

You clamp your lips shut. If you didn’t need to stay on his good side to get Friday off you probably would’ve said something about how rude he was being. He’d always been rude, but he paid you and the rest of the girls so you all chose to ignore it. 

He ponders, and you know the cogs are turning within his brain as he scrolls through his laptop, typing a few things. He takes his glasses off his face and drops them dramatically down on the table in front of him. 

“Ruby will cover your shift.” 

You let out a sigh of relief, “Thank you!” 

“Don’t be thanking me too quickly.” He points his finger, “I need a favour from you.” 

“Anything. Well not anything.” 

“In a few weeks times there’s a big birthday party coming in.” He explains, “I need you to be the star of the show, do private dances and all the good things like that.” 

“Just that?” You ask, knowing that it could be a trap knowing Elliot’s track record. 

He nods, “Just that.” 

You look at him sceptically, “What’s the catch?” 

“No catch.” He holds his hands up, “A few big names are coming, that’s all. A list celebs that have asked to use the back exit.”

“That’s it?” 

“That’s it.” 

“Let me know the date and I’ll do it.” 

You stand up, happy that you’ve managed to get your shift tomorrow off and that you can go on the date you have been excited for since you met Harry and was introduced to the world with him in it. 

“Have fun at your thing Friday.” 

“Thank you. . .?” 

You don’t think you like Elliot being nice to you. 

Friday night rolled around quickly and you were thankful for that. After helping your Grandma with her own dinner and into bed, you start getting ready. You curl your hair, brushing it out until its in what looks like effortless waves but are actually quite hard waves to achieve. You do natural makeup, something completely different to makeup you usually wear in one of your shifts. You try to keep all of your features soft, different to how you usually look on a day to day basis. You dress in a long white polka-dotted maxi skirt, paired with a thin long-sleeved jumper that would keep you warm due to the ever changing British weather. 

You had done a little bit of research on the restaurant Harry had sent you the address for and learnt that it wasn’t the most expensive restaurant ever, but one that was way out of your price range. It meant that you had to dip into the fund that you keep for occasions where you need a little extra money or you will use in the future when you eventually move out and busy your own place. 

The tube was crammed, seeing as though it was a Friday night and the majority of people were either coming home from work and stating to go out for end of the week drinks. You knew that the club would start to become heaving as the night grew and a part of you was thankful that you didn’t have to work today, and you were given a small break from the hell that is working at a strip club. 

The restaurant, when you arrived, definitely looked fancier than it had online. The bar stood against the corner wall, the right hand side of the restaurant had booths covering the walls whilst stand alone tables scattered around the rest of the room.

You were surprised when you saw Harry, already sat at the booth in the far right corner. He lifted his hand up in an awkward sort of wave and you couldn’t help but beam at him. He had a shirt, an expensive looking white shirt with a yellow and blue jumper over the top. You hand felt so excited to see someone since when your Grandma went into hospital for her tumour being removed and you couldn’t see her for a few days. 

“YN.” He sighs, “Hi.” 

“Hi.” You smile, slipping into the booth across from him. 

“Was starting to think you wasn’t going to show up.” 

“I’m sorry.” You tuck your hair behind your ear, “I underestimated how bust the tube was going to be.” 

You can tell he wants to pry but instead he says, “It’s okay.” 

His nails were painted yellow, a few of them painted lilac as well. There was something so simple about his nails that you just loved, and if it wasn’t weird you probably would’ve stared at them for way too long for it to be acceptable. You knew he had tattoos, and you could see the cross on his hand and the the anchor peaking out from underneath his shirt and you wanted to see more. 

“I like your nails.” You smile, running your own fingers over your own nails underneath the table. 

“Thanks.” A blush creeps up his neck, “I did them last night. Sort of calmed me down, I was quite nervous.” 

“Nervous for what?” 

“This.” He nods, “I haven’t been as nervous for a date in a long time.” 

“You don’t have to be nervous.” 

In your twenty four years of living, you’ve never had someone say that they were nervous to see you. You’ve been nervous to see and do many things in your life and you hoped that somewhere along the line it would’ve been the same for somebody else and yourself but you had the slight suspicion that wasn’t the case. Hearing those words out loud, coming from someone who you’d never expect it too was special, and you were going to keep that for as long as you physically could. 

“I did.” He looks down at the table briefly, “I’ve never liked a girl as much as I like you before.” 

“You don’t really know me.” 

“I’d like to get to know you.” 

That’s what you do. For the rest of the date you don’t stop talking. Even though you’re starving and could eat your fist, it takes you the longest you’ve ever taken to eat your food because of how much you spend it talking. 

You’re just about to dig in to your desert when your body physically halts, “Why didn’t you want me to pick you up?” 

“I, uh, I—”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t what to! I know I can be pretty invasive sometimes.” 

“No, it’s fine!” You take a sip of your drink to swallow down the dryness within your throat, “I don’t live in the nicest building, or in the nicest area and I guess I was embarrassed.” 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed.” 

“But I was.” You drop your eyes to the plate in front of you, “I know I shouldn’t have been and that it was stupid but I just didn’t want you judge me before you truly knew me because of where I live.” 

“I hope you know now that I wouldn’t have done that.” 

“I do.” 

You let Harry drive you home. Even though you would never admit it to his face just yet, you really liked him. He was kind, sweet and funny and everything you could ever want in your person. You haven’t said this in a long time but you love the person you are around him and you wouldn’t change it for the world if you didn’t have to. 

He stops in the car park outside the building of flats you live in and you can tell he’s thinking deeply about something but you try to not concentrate on that too much. 

“I would invite you up.” You laugh, “But I don’t think the sofa in the middle of my Grandma’s flat whilst she snores in the next room is the most romantic.” 

He scrunches up his nose, “I can’t say that it is.” 

“I’m sorry.” You drop your head to look at your hands that are tested on your knees, “I really wish I could offer you something. Anything.”

“It’s okay, YN.” He uses his finger to move your head up so that you’re looking at him, “I don’t expect anything from you. I hope you know that.” 

“I know.” 

He hesitates for a moment, and you can feel the finger that was rested upon your chin move upwards so that its upon your cheek. You flicker your eyes closed and just mask in the feeling of his touch against your cheek. 

“Can I kiss you?” He asks. 

You eyes open as you nod your head, letting out a shaky breath at the sheer surprise you feel at his words.

“Want your words, darling.” 

“Please kiss me.”  

You close your eyes again and you feel his lips touch yours. It's light at first, but you can’t contain yourself and you end up pushing closer to him, relishing in the feeling of his lips upon yours. Your fingertips grip the collar of his shirt, trying to pull him closer without hurting himself too much on the centre console. Even though you both don’t want to, you pull away as you start to loose breath. 

“You okay?” Your chest heaves up and down as he speaks. 

“Never been better.” You sigh, resting your forehead against his. 

“Good.” 

You kiss again, this time its more passionate and you can’t help but let out a small whine as he pulls away. The smug look on his face after hearing that sound was enough to send your stomach doing flips. 

You really didn’t want to do this, but you had too: “I have to go.” 

“It’s okay.” He smiles, “I understand.” 

“Okay.” You reach for the door handle. 

“I have to go away for a bit.” He sighs, “I’m writing some music over in America but when I get back, do you want to maybe go on another date?” 

“I’d love to.” 

He presses one last kiss to your lips and you leave the car, muttering a small, “Bye.” 

You feel giddy. As though you’re sixteen again and just come back from your first date with your first boyfriend. It was something you hadn’t felt in a long time and in all honesty, you had no idea how to handle those feelings. You certainly wouldn’t admit that you screamed quietly into your pillow in excitement that night. 

You couldn’t wait for him to return home. 

Two weeks. Harry was away for two weeks and even though you had only kissed him once, twice if you actually count how many kisses there were, you missed him more than words could explain. You weren’t one to usually message first, so you did end up waiting until Harry had a spare moment to message you which wasn’t as often as you would’ve liked but you couldn’t complain. 

You almost felt as though you had been drip fed this new life with Harry in, only to have it taken away quicker than you could blink. It wasn’t forever, and that was probably the thing keeping you sane. This had all happened in such a short amount of time but you wouldn’t change it for the world. 

The only thing that limited how far you could take this was your job. 

Harry had obviously been curious and during a text conversation in the first week of his week being away — he asked what you did. After having a small freak out you decided to say that you worked in a bar. It was a small, white lie and you hated yourself for it but telling him that you were a stripper just didn’t feel like the best thing to do at that time. 

You just weren’t ready to tell him, and that was totally okay. 

Speaking of your work, tonight was the night of the big party that Elliot made sure you could come to. The club had held celebrity parties before, so you weren’t entirely nervous but every time someone mentioned it you could feel your heart speeding up slightly. 

“Emerald.” You turn to look at Elliot who’s trudging towards you, a bag in hand, “Here’s your new outfit for tonight.” 

“New? I thought I’d just wear the one for special occasions.” 

“This is a special, special occasion Emerald.” He dropped the bag down in front of you, “Wear this.” 

Taking the material out of the bag, your mouth dropped open at the sight of the emerald green lingerie in your hands. It was delicate lace that you feared you’d rip if you weren’t too careful. Putting it on, your breasts slightly spilled over the lace, and whilst your front was covered, the thong back of the lingerie left your ass on full display. It was beautiful, you couldn’t dismiss that but you just hadn’t ever worn something so skimpy before. You pulled your black silk robe over your shoulders, fastened your black heels onto your feet and made your way towards the side of the stage. 

The skimpiness of the new lingerie did send more butterflies to the pit of your stomach than you were originally hoping for but it was only another hurdle for you to get over which you knew you’d be able to do. 

You heard the music start to play, you slipped your hand through the gap in the curtain and opened it, revealing yourself to the room. 

Here goes nothing, you mumble to yourself. 

Harry’s jaw dropped at the sight of you on the stage. It certainly wasn’t his usual scene, a strip club, but it was a friend of a friends birthday and he had kindly been invited and he wasn’t about to turn it down. He wasn’t in the band anymore, and certainly didn’t have to hide that he went to places like this anymore, even though they weren’t his favourite. 

He couldn’t bare his eyes off of you. The way your body moved to the rhythm of the song, your darkly manicured nails pushed the robe of your shoulders, exposing the delicate lingerie you were wearing. Harry would be lying if he said that his cock didn’t start to stir at the sight. 

You. The girl who he thought spent her days reading, and looking after Grandma had a secret persona that he only wanted to explore more. 

“My word.” One of the men in the group spoke, loudly so that everyone could hear him, “She’s fit as fuck.” 

“To get my hands on her.” 

Harry clenches his jaw, and his fist that rested on the arm of his chair. If he wasn’t in a very public place where people could record him, he’d give that man a piece of his mind. He probably would but he’d do it when nobody was around so the man could truly understand what he was saying to him. 

“Do you think I could get a dance with her?” The birthday boy asked. 

“It’s your birthday.” The dickhead with no morals spoke, “She might give you something special as a present.” 

“The rules say no touching.” The words slip out of Harry’s mouth before he can stop them, “So I highly doubt that.” 

“I’m sure you’d be saying something different if you were in his position, Styles.” 

Harry rolled his eyes and focused his attention back on the stage, watching as you seductively bent down to pick up some of the tips that had been thrown on the bottom of the stage. The song was slowly finishing and Harry couldn’t help but feel a little bit of disappointment bubbling within him.

Harry watched your lean legs as you strutted towards the side of the stage, flicking the long wig on your head over your shoulder, seductively running your tongue over your bottom lip as you pulled the material of the lingerie down from your breasts. 

Harry bit his lip, his leg bounced, he ran his hand up and down his thigh. He tried to do everything in his power to distract himself from the rousing within his trousers but he just couldn’t do it. The flimsy material dropped to the floor, your red painted lips curled up into a smirk and you made your way behind the curtain, not showing any of your truly bare skin. 

If you hadn’t been imprinted on his brain before, you certainly were now.

You could hear the grunts and groans of happiness, and a few cheers whilst on stage but the lights were so bright that you couldn’t see anything past the first row or so. The tips you had received were good, and you were pleased about that. 

You received your robe and bra back from the stage and pulled them back onto your body. Your solo dance was always a hit for Elliot, and you supposed that was why he’s kept you on for so long and if you were honest, they were the easiest to do. Private dances always made you too uncomfortable, and in the six years you’ve worked there there had only been a handful of people that made you feel comfortable when it came to private dances. 

“Emerald.” Elliot walks in smiling and you assume everything is swell on the floor, “They fucking love you.” 

You nod your head, muttering a small and awkward, “Thank you.” 

He hums, “You’ve been requested for a private dance, and he’s promised to pay you accordingly.” 

“Really?” 

Another hum, “Room Two. I think he’s already there.” 

“Thanks.” 

He leaves the room, a bounce in his step. You suppose that this is a good thing and he’ll finally get off your back for the time you took off for the date with Harry. You at least hoped. 

You checked yourself. You made sure your makeup still looked flawless, your breasts sat perfectly within the material and your arse looked good. You brush through the wig once and make your way towards room two, the smaller of the three private dance rooms which helped it be more intimate. 

You smiled at the bouncer at the door, Gerry, a man who looked as though he could kill someone with a single punch but was actually a massive teddy bear. He was good at his job of keeping everyone safe and making sure that the bad eggs that came in left just as quickly. 

Watching the door slowly open, Harry felt his heart stop. He had been pacing up and down the room ever since he had walked in, and only just stopped when he heard the creek of the door. He couldn’t believe that you were in front of him, and you certainly couldn’t believe that he was in front of you either. 

“YN. . .” He sounded breathless. 

“Harry?” He could see your chest rising and falling at a quick pace, “What? How? I thought you were in America.” 

He scratches the back of his neck sheepishly, “I got back last night.” 

“Why are you here?” He can hear the lump in your throat as you speak, your eyes glossing over. 

“A Birthday party.” 

“Yours?” 

“No!” He’s quick to interrupt, “A friend of a friend. It’s not mine. Mine’s in February, and I certainly don’t think I’ll be having my party here. Not that there’s anything wrong with here! It’s lovely! You’re lovely! I’m rambling.” 

He was so gosh darn cute and if you weren’t in the middle of a break down, you probably would���ve laughed or at least reacted to his little word vomit. It was probably the quickest you’d ever heard him talk, not that it was hard. 

After a few minutes of contemplating what to say, you sigh, “I’m sorry.” 

His voice is soft, his features falling, “What are you sorry for?” 

“Lying to you.” You drop your gaze to the floor, trying to suppress the tears, “I didn’t want to.” 

“Hey, hey.” He walks over to you, placing his finger underneath your chin just like he had done in the car weeks ago, “No need to get upset, I’m not.” 

“You should be.” You bottom lip quivers, “I lied to you and I had no intention to retract that just yet.” 

“YN.” He rests his palms on your cheeks, “I’m not angry. I’m not upset. I just want to know why.”

“I was scared.” You admit, trying to do anything but look up at him, “I didn’t know what you’d think or if you’d change your mind.” 

“Change my mind about what?” 

“Wanting too, you know. . .?” 

He shakes his head, “I wouldn’t. There’s no reason for me to.” 

“I’m a stripper Harry, it gives you full reason to not want to be associated with me.” You lift your hand to wipe your under-eye. 

“I’m not judging you, YN, I said I wouldn’t.” 

“I wouldn’t be upset if you did.” 

“YN.” His voice is stern, more so than it had been, “I don’t care that you’re a stripper.” 

“You don’t.” 

“No.” He smiles, “I don’t.” 

“Fuck.” You let out a breath of relief, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

“I don’t mind.” He shrugs, “If you didn’t want to, you didn’t have to.” 

You had never met someone like him, and no matter how many times he surprised you that was just fact. Granted, you hadn’t had time to date anyone with looking after your Grandma but another reason you didn’t was because of what they would think of you. 

You knew that not everyone would be was understanding and lovely as Harry had been, and that was just because of the lovely person he was inside and out. That was the reason you didn’t tell him, because even though you had an inclination that he was accepting but you didn’t know whether that was just a façade or he was like that in real life. You loved that he was like that in real life. 

“Can I be honest?” You nod, “I enjoyed it.” 

You bite your lip to suppress the smile that threatened to cross your lips, “You did?” 

He hums, beaming a smile at you. 

“If you wouldn’t mind.” The corner of his lips tugs upwards, “I’d still love to get that private dance.”

You roll your eyes and thwack his shoulder playfully, “If you must.” 

“I’ll wait for you.” He nods, “Until your shift is over, if you want.” 

“Please.” 

“I’ll see you then.” 

You hadn’t even made it completely into Harry’s house before his lips were on yours. He pushed you up against his front door before he’d even shut it properly, his lips falling upon yours with a hunger you hadn’t felt since you last kissed him. 

Maybe it was his hands rested upon the small of your back, your fingers threading through the curls at the nape of his neck. 

“Can I offer you a drink?” He smirks against your lips. 

“Not the priority.” You reply, not bringing your lips away from his. 

“Noted.” He places a kiss to your jaw, “Upstairs?” 

“Upstairs.” 

You follow him up the stairs, your hand rested firmly in his. You’re too distracted by the man in front of you to take any notice of the house or where you were going. 

Harry had kept true to his word and waited for you. You secretly wished that you could have recorded the group’s reaction as you walked towards him, a small smile on your face. After bidding them goodbye, the two of you jumped in a taxi that Harry had ordered and made your way to his house, or what you expected to be his house and you weren’t disappointed. 

The second you step into the plushly decorated room, you’re kissing again. His hands slide down to rest upon curve of your ass, his ring-clad fingers immediately squeezing the flesh. You groan lightly into his mouth, allowing his tongue to slip through her parted lips. You grip his bicep as he leads your backwards into the room, your calves hitting the bed as he does so. 

Your lips part, you fall back onto the bed. You look up at him through your eyelashes, your fingertips reaching to pull the shirt he was wearing over his head. You almost swoon there and then at the sight of the tattoos littering his skin. You lean forward and place a kiss on his lower stomach, just before his happy trail that slips into the band of his trousers. 

You bite your lip, grinning up at him. 

“What are you planning?” 

“I don’t know.” You shrug, “What do you want me to be planning?” 

He groans, “Anything at this point.”

You reach forward, taking the button of his trousers in your fingers. You look up, “Is this okay?” 

“More than okay, baby.” 

You unbutton his trousers, wrapping your finger in the waistband and pulling them down. You can already see the tent in his boxers. You wondered how long he had been like this, you wondered if it had been since your dances. 

You blush slightly as you hook your fingers now into the waistband of his boxers, looking up at him. You can’t handle the look on his face, the slight blush but the boyish grin mixed with his curls that had fallen forward upon his forehead. You pull the fabric down, exposing his hard cock. You watch as it hits his stomach briefly, the tip swollen. You lift your hand up, wrapping it around him before giving him a few pumps. His stomach quivers as you do so, a groan escaping him as you wrap your lips around his tip. His eyes flutter closed as you start to bob your head, his fingers reaching forward to grab your hair into a ponytail. 

“Fuck baby.” His hips involuntarily buck forward. You sink further down, going as far as you could. 

Harry couldn’t believe how good he felt. It had been a while since he had been with someone, and it was worth the wait. You pulled away too soon in his opinion, but the sight of you, all teary eyed and sloppy sent his mind spiralling. 

“God.” He bent down and wrapped his arms around your thighs, lifting you up so he could move you further up the bed, “You’re fucking killing me here.” 

“Good.” You giggle. 

He’s quick to remove your shirt, allowing you to pull your jeans down at the same time. He didn’t expect you to still be in the lingerie from earlier, and if it was physically possible, he swore his cock hardened even more. 

“Fuck me.” 

He leans forward, pressing his lips to yours again as his fingers fumble with the latch of your bra. You bite your bottom lip as he wraps his around your nipple, flicking it with his tongue. He uses his hand to knead the other one. You can’t help but grind your hips forwards, a feeling bubbling deep in the pit of your stomach that you hadn’t felt in a long time. 

“Harry.” You moan, withering under his touch. 

He kisses down from your lips, to your jaw, down your neck until he’s littering them all the way to the band of your underwear. 

“Is this okay?” 

“More than okay.” You whine as he lets out a breath upon the thin material. 

He pulls your underwear down, teasing you by placing kisses across your thighs and pubic bone. He’s so close, yet so far from the place that you need him the most. He licks a stripe across your centre, until he wraps his lips around your clit. You can’t help the moans that escape your parted lips as he nibbles and flicks your sensitive nub, her thighs starting to shake as he coaxes her closer and closer to her orgasm. 

“Don’t stop.” You thread your fingers through his hair, “God! Harry.” 

He pulls away, and you let out a shaky breath as he does so. 

“No fair.” You whine. 

“Life isn’t.” 

“Just shut up and get a condom.” He does as you request, placing a small peck to your lips as he reached over to grab a condom from the drawer beside the bed. 

You watch as he rips the packet open with his teeth, pulling the rubber down his length. He presses another kiss to your lips, catching her eyesight once more.

“Are you sure?” 

“More than okay.” 

He hovers over you, rubbing his tip up and down your wet folds to coax a moan out of your lips. He groans into your shoulder as he pushes in, biting down briefly to suppress the sound. 

“Don’t.” You moan, scratching your nails down his back as he starts to thrust in and out of you, “Let me hear you.” 

“Fuck.” You squeeze him slightly, “Do that again.” 

He speeds up, catching your lips as your hips meeting quicker, the only sound in the room being your skin slapping each others. You slip one of your hands between the two of you, your nimble fingers rubbing your clit. 

“Where have you been all my life?” You can’t help the pleasurable giggle that escapes your lips. 

“Feel so good, H.” 

After a few more thrusts, a couple more circles of her clit and she’s comes around his cock, squeezing him tightly as she did so. 

“Fuck, shit, oh god.” 

He continues to thrust in and out of you, coaxing you through your orgasm and towards his. He seems to go deeper and deeper until he’s spilling inside the condom, his moans louder than any you had heard before. 

“God.” He collapses on top of you, taking a few seconds to collect himself and let you collect yourself, “Haven’t felt like that in a long time.” 

“Glad I could be of some assistance.” You push the hair that had matted to your face off. 

“You should keep secrets from me more often.’ 

“I’m never doing that again.” 

“Good.” He pecks your lips. 

[will-noble-owns-my-ass]

Claire’s lines: Derry Girls Season 3 Episode 1: The Night Before @goodboybadrep-ooc ❤️ Sorry it’s just Claire’s lines. But it was too quick 😂

Can I ask something? How much longer are we gonna ignore the elephant in the room?

It’s tomorrow girls. Tomorrow! Christ I feel sick

I know that I’m not worried about me I’m worried about you 4! If you fail your GCSE’s the school won’t take you back! I’m don’t wanna have to make new friends from scratch I’ll have enough on my plate with the A levels! I’m just praying you lot scrape by.

I know

I don’t think I’ve ever seen you outside of your wee shop. Well uhh uhhh is there anything in particular you’d recommend Dennis?

Okay well.. we’re just having a bit of a read

What happened sister? Right

You have the results already? You know how we did?

It means we failed Erin it means no GCSE’s ergo no A levels. Ergo No university. Ergo the end.

I knew I should have cut ties with you lot a long time ago

Of course it’s your fault! You’ve dragged me down to your level! Your stupidity has finally rubbed off on me! I was a scholar when I met you Erin! A scholar!

Our lives are over

Passing those exams was our only chance! We’re girls! We’re poor! We’re from Northern Ireland and we’re catholic! For Christ’s sake!

Oh thank you Michelle that’s very reassuring!

Oh my god (multiple times)

How?

*unintelligible* this plan might be a little flawed

Shouldn’t we wait till dawn?

How?

Jackie Ryan? Jackie Ryan the caretaker? He’s about 60 that’s disgusting! That’s elder abuse and he’s married that is the most— [Jackie Ryan’s son] Oh right

I’d rather not smash the shit out of it if you don’t mind Michelle

What are we playing at? This is breaking and entering girls!

Think I’m coming out in a rash

Oh Jesus Christ what was that let’s go let’s go hurry up

Why are we walking backwards?

No

That’s fair too much

It was wasn’t it ? They didn’t actually say where they were taking it did they? Actually now that I think about it weren’t those computers relatively new?

Right so is it a bit weird that two men we’ve never seen before just sorta took away a load of really expensive equipment in the middle of the night?

It’s just that now on reflection I’m slightly worried we might have accidentally helped burgle the school

Oh merciful Jesus!

You have my full cooperation Sir

There’s been a terrible mistake officer

Like that matters Erin! We’re Catholic for Christ sake! Have you never seen In the name of the father? They’ll think nothing of sending us down for a crime we didn’t commit we’ll be like the Guildford four or the *unintelligible* six

Excuse me ma’am can I just say we are absolutely willing to give evidence against these guys if there is a deal on the table

(LIAM NEESON APPEARS! Michelle is my spirit animal this scene)

Sir

Why can’t we speak to a solicitor

It was Hans Hans and his friend they did it

Oh God there’s no winning they’ll just wear us down until we say we did it will be forced to sign false confessions

How

Thank you Colum (Sp?)

Christ this could not get any worse

I stand corrected

straight A’s Straight A’s

You said we failed

Why?

We passed

We did it (multiple times)







[oh-for-fic-sake]

The Stand In Chapter One

Masterlist

Being an assistant on the witcher set is a dream come true for you, helping bring to life the books and games you were brought up with. But when the project is threatened to be cancelled completely your called in to save the day! But can you really fill in for an actress?

Warnings: swearing

A/N: hello! So this was wrote on a whim sort of. I don't know if Keira is in the books honestly and I have no idea if she will be in season two but I wanted to write somthing different. Got a few ideas of where I can go with this but like I said just wanted to write something a little different. Hone you enjoy xxx

Taglist: @two-unbeatable-beaters​ @thatgirly81​ @angelofthorr @iloveyouyen​

logo divider is by @writeyourmindaway​ other one is by me xx

You moved through the hustle and bustle of the set your trusty clipboard what was you doing? Well the people needed feeding so you were taking orders, some people onset would eat at the food tent some would want to order in today it was your turn to take the orders and deliver them to the chefs. You grunted looking at your watch you needed to move quicker they'd be filming soon and expect the food to be ready by the time they finished...sounded easy but the guys were cooking meals for nearly one hundred  people and that took time... especially out here... You jogged up to the tent with an apologetic smile"Sorry guys had to round em up you know how it is!" You got a few chuckles. Yes they did know how it was having to take turns doing it themselves. You were just a regular onset dogs body, you help in any way shape or form and that’s that.

You smiled at them hanging the clip board on the hook for them to see clearly then They began barking orders to one another down the line  getting to work. You left them to it weaving in and out of everyone to get back to set incase someone needed anything again. Once you reached half way across the site your name was called turning you saw Mathew one of the other assistants.

"Hey y/n your needed in the directors tent chop chop!"

"What? why?" He shrugged then through his hands out wide walking backwards away from you he seemed in a hurry.

"Don't know was just told that you had to be there asap" You sighed and quickly turned on your heal towards the tent...If this was another coffee run you were gonna scream! It took forty five minutes to drive down this god forsaken mountain and you didn't really want to be bitched at by camera crew about delivering a cold fucking coffee again.

Henry and Joey panicked looking to each other Cancelled? They could be cancelled after all the fans and money the show had pulled in? They stood in the tent with Tomasz,Lauren and Talitha or 'Tee' as she prefers.

"So she just decided not to do it? A week before she was meant to be here? She had all the time over lock down to tell you and she left it till now?" Tomasz nodded stiffly to Henry who spoke, Henry and Joey were angry. Hell they all was, but them more so because they were actors and this was something you just didn't do. No integrity or respect. Lauren piped up.

"To be fair its a huge blockbuster role she was offered its no surprize she dumped us in favor of it... But now everything is up in the air she was a big role in this season and we can't start casting for it now, the two other back ups can't come and fill in either, one is recovering from covid and the other has a contract for another role." Joey placed his hands on his hips

"Well what about her contract? She sighed one didn't she? Surely she should honor that?" Lauren and Tomasz shared a look.

"Yes but two things one imagine forcing her to play a role she no longer wants...Could be very awkward and two the contract had dates...We couldn't stick to the them so she managed to wriggle out of it." They each huffed Henry spoke up

"Can't we put it on hold for a few weeks rush through the casti-" he trailed off at Tomasz' severe look and shake of his head.

"No we aren't being given an extension we have to find someone...Preferably here on set so we don't have to navigate the covid travel restrictions, we can't afford two weeks quarantine for whoever it is we bring in" Tee looked up to her bosses.

"So?...You need someone on set to take the role? I suppose they can't be a major part of the crew?" Lauren nodded to her and smiled

"You up for it?" Tee shook her head

"Fuck no but there is someone that could do it...Y/n shes a general assistant, the one you like! the one that picked up the wardrobe the other day when the truck couldn't get up the hill" Lauren's face lit up as she put a face to the name

"Oh! lilac bob? Green eyes?" Tee smiled nodding

"Yeah! Her she isn't to busy really just runs errands, shes an extra pair of hands" Tomasz tilted his head it sounded viable, it would be a god send he crossed his arms.

"But she would have what a week? To read up on the character, learn lines and go through costume...It would be a hectic rush would she agree to it?" Tee smiled knowingly

"Yes..She hasn't done acting before...well not properly she had a part in bugsy malone play at primary school but that was about it...But I have no doubt that she would do it she loves the witcher. As for reading up on the character you don't have to worry I dread to think how many times shes re-read those books and played the games...She even based her gcse textiles project on the witcher making a screen print tapestry! Trust me she will know Keira metz' personality so half of the job is already done!" Tomasz nodded secretly getting excited over the prospect of having another fan in the mix,  yet he covered it well not wanting to get anyone’s hopes to high."Okay call her in get her to read some lines...Lets not tell her what its for first see if theres some chemistry between the three of you first then go from there" they all nodded it was the best way to go about it.

When you got to the tent you instantly knew something was up. First person you noticed was your best friends Tee it was her who'd got you the job here. She had been working on the first season and was one of the directing assistants she was always around the producers and directors making sure everything was running smoothly and when they top dogs changed things it was her who made those changes get through the grape vine to everyone who needed to know. Then you noticed Henry  and Joey were here ,how you didn't see them first is a mystery as they were both fully kitted out in the characters costumes.

Holy shit! He was so fucking hot! So so fucking yummy you wanted to jump him and run away and hide at the same time 'Okay breath don't fucking squeal bitch be cool that's it calm down don't make it obvious you want to hump his leg!...If he offers though ride tat thigh like a fucking pony!...No! Stop your going red! Calm it! There we go...Nice and calm well done give yourself a pat on the back' and breath.

You took a calming breath after your little pep talk the fan-girl locked up tight inside you relaxed slightly. Could you help it? No Henry is like your celebrity crush and has been since your little virgin eyes saw him fucking on Tudors. You'd seen him around set obviously you can't really ignore the huge man in the silver wig. You’d wanted to get his autograph and a photo but couldn't trust yourself not to do something stupid so you kept your distance. But damn he was much finer up close in person. You gulped just praying to god you did not squeak at him you'd never ever live it down.

Everyone looked on edge even the director Tomasz and producer Lauren? none of them noticed your arrival speaking in hushed tones to one another like they didn't want anyone to overhear what was happening. You cleared your throat placing a hand on one of the metal supports by the entrance of the tent unsure if you should enter with them all looking so serious you didn't want to hear anything you shouldn't.

"Err knock knock? you wanted to see me? If its a bad time I can come back..." they jumped a little obviously caught up in their conversation. You shrunk under everyone's gaze as the sets of heavy eyes rested on you.

Henry's eyes widened a little at you he swallowed dryly peering at you from his spot in the tent. You were beautiful he suddenly found himself hoping you would be the one to take the role. Not only could he then have a reason to be around you without you running off. But there were sex scene between the two characters and as ashamed as he felt he had already spent a considerable amount of time envisioning just that, alone at night in his trailer with nothing but his fist to ease his needs. He couldn't help it he had never spoke to you but he wanted you. So selfish or not he would thoroughly enjoy enacting those particular scenes, the image of you below him was just to much.

Joey prodded him slightly making him snap his gaze away and turn to the 'bard' He raised his brows at him nodding to the lilac haired woman as if to say 'look who it is?' Henry flushed a little and blinked yes Joey knew.

It started when Henry had seen you around set, capturing glimpses of you he had wanted to go and talk to you. Each time he saw you around he would excuse himself from whatever he was doing and turn to make his way over to you. But every time he turned and took a step in your direction you flushed and bolted.

He did like you. He liked very much. He found out you were an assistant someone to run errands and Tee had got you the job he was meant to ask her about you but you both seemed close. What if Tee told you? What would you think if you found out he had been asking about you?. So no instead he bit his tongue and kept trying to catch you out and have a chat. He couldn't put his finger on it you just appealed to him, you looked sweet and sexy all in one.

He wanted so desperately to talk to you but you seemed scared of him for some reason so he in the end he settled for admiring you from afar. He'd never got more than six feet near you and that six feet was close enough to make him swoon. You had been diligently taking coffee orders around the set and was taking a list from the directors tent and he was waiting to speak to Tomasz and Lauren queuing behind you in a sense one person separated you.

You were so caught up in trying to take names and coffee orders you hadn't noticed him hovering behind you. He had leaned to the side taking full advantage enjoying eyeing your behind admiring the taught cheeks hugged by your zebra print workout leggings, you must have been in a thong because they snuck up your ass a little making him groan. He'd give anything to be up there himself! He sighed smoothing his hands over his face trying to push away the teasing thoughts, it was not the time to imagine drilling your perfect little ass, fucking you roughly on all fours until your little body sucked the cum out of his balls and he left you with a fully stretched freshly fuck little pucker.

No it was not the time, not when he had another few scenes to shoot. But they were just there! Teasing him a few quick shuffles of his feet and he could be right behind you, he could accidentally graze your pert full bottom. But no he held himself back he groaned when the wind changed and caught a scent of your hair mango and passion fruit.

He had been on a high all day after that. That’s when Joey was certain Henry was getting a little crush on the lilac haired beauty that had gained the nick name Tink's. To Joey you looked like a real life colorful little fairy and he had named you after Tinkerbell. Henry bit his lip trying to contain his excitement, as you cleared your throat nervously today was going from really really bad to absolutely fucking incredible.

You eyed Henry carefully he was..staring well until Joey prodded him then he snapped out of whatever it was flushing. You didn't have much time to consider it as Lauren moved waving you over smiling like nothing was wrong. Okay? Weird.

"No no! Come in your just the woman we needed to see." You walked in slowly still uneasy but managed to cross the threshold. There was a pause and they looked like they were appraising you? What the fuck? Tomasz cleared his throat and nodded giving Lauren the go ahead for something apparently.

"Y/n I was hopeing you could go over some lines with these two, they haven't got anyone to practice with and we really need to start getting rehearsals in. Flights are running few and far between so the actress who was supposed to be here last week, can't get here until we are actually filming the scenes!" You blinked huh? Read lines? You began going shy and shaking your head

"I don't-" but before you could get anymore words out Tomasz spoke up.

"And with covid setting us back we can't afford delays we could be cancelled" you froze at that...Cancelled? You looked to Henry and Joey who both gave hopeful puppy eyes you sighed a shaky breath.

"O-okay I suppose I could...Help out... It is what I'm here for.." You missed the looks all four shared as Joey handed you a sheet from the script. You skimmed it as quick as you could and your face instantly lit up with a bright smile.

"Holy shit keira? I didn't realize you were doing that-" quickly realizing you may have been fangirling you shut up. Tomasz head lifted smiling

"You know the character?" You chuckled nervously well aware of The witcher still eyeing you from the side. Joey smirked at him and gave a chuckle making Henry freeze and look away flustered. You hesitated whilst talking to Tomasz.

"Hehe well Yeah sort of....I know the book's and the games sooo yeah..Sorry...Got excited there..Can't help it" he grinned shaking his head.

"No no its perfectly fine...I do always love seeing people et excited over our work! But you know her so can help the guys immensely. If you could try and portray the character that would help a lot as well, so we can see how these lines and dynamics will work" you blinked looking at the page going blank. Try to in act the scene to? Okay keira what do you remember shes...Playful catty and a little manipulative.Petty but confident yet can switch to cold bitch on a dime. Your not sure our up to the task.

"So? You want me to try and act properly? but...But bare in mind I'm not an actress...Never done any acting or anything so if I'm shit I apologize."

"Its fine, just try your best...We don't want a carbon copy of the games we want a believable character, just create your own Keira for the time being as I said we just want that feeling for the scene and the relationship that's all. If you could read from half way down..'Seriously I mean this is it?' Okay? don't mind the blank we just haven't settled on the last few bits of dialog just keep going...Go with the flow as it were" you nodded taking a breath really out of your comfort  zone  but it literally  said 'help when needed' in your job description so you didn't have much choice. You took a peek at the lines it the scene was based around the camp at night.

Henry and Joey sat on stools you followed their lead really nervous trying not to steal glances or stare at the witcher before you even if he didn't seem to care himself, his gold eyes not leaving you for a second, he wasn't even blinking.

You pulled at the page slightly forcing back the anxiety but sucked it up when were you ever going to get the chance to do this again. To read lines with your crush on set in full delicious Witcher get up.You decided to throw caution to the wind and give it your all if you looked a tit well atleast you had fun and you'd never have to again!

You gulped you were supposed to start. You took a breath and pulled some confidence out of your ass, she was a fierce woman that was almost childlike. You used a sarcastic un-amused flat tone.

"Seriously....I mean this is it? this is the great adventuring? Wandering the continent aimlessly for contract's that may or may not be actual monsters..." you tilted your head to the side blinking slowly as you looked between Henry and Joey. Both seemed to be caught unaware as you transformed from a frightened quivering ball of nerves to a catty confidant sorceress.

Henry smiled cheekily at you  knowing that with that transformation you'd already bagged the role, you were his keira.

"Well you are welcome to return to your healing house" Henry drolled in Geralt's deep voice sounding unimpressed tilting his head at you slightly with a bored expression. Joey hummed.

"Yes I second that witch you don't have to be here you can just go your own way" he waved his hand near you and you leaned in giving him a wicked warning grin making him pull back and lean towards Henry, a typical Jaskier move...Well for the moment he was Jaskier.

"G-go and curse children poison or cattle or whatever it is you do" you scoffed rolling your eyes pulling back a little and tilted your head looking at Henry.

"Geralt your Jester appears to be in a foul mood would you like me to help? I'm sure I have a remedy that can silence him for a while...Permanently if you'd like" you smirked as Joey snpped his head looking between the two worriedly.

"JESTER I-YOU I am a bard! And I have made Geralt here the famed white wolf! Tell her Geralt! " Henry rolled his eyes ignoring Joey's out burst

"The Jester is right you don't have to travel with us you can leave, return home if our adventures aren't exciting enough for you. And I'd warn you keep the potions to yourself"  you paused the page was now empty. You too a breath and spoke anyway.

"What? Me leave? and go back to treating the lords son and his frequent bouts of cock rot..." the two men bite back a laugh managing to stay in character...Just. You blinked leaning forward placing your face on your palm

"That’s not as thrilling as one might think loses its charm on the third and forth round...Much like the boy himself" Joey sputtered trying to hide his giggles. But contained himself to make an insulting Jaskier quip.

"Cock rot...begs the question do you cause it or cure it?" he twitched waiting for your reply. You hissed at him then calmed yourself and fluttered your eyes at him and continued in a sultry tone.

"Your welcome to find out for yourself Jester" he stuttered going red

"I-i a no hah thank you for the offer but noooo...Had enough of witches for a life time.. Thank you very much!" he said almost choking on his words you leaned back huffing

"Hmm...Shame you almost look like fun could have livened up the trip...I do always enjoy the loud ones..." Joey chuckled and looked to Henry with a face saying 'help me out here buddy' Henry was finding it very hard to keep himself together, was he jealous of you flirting with joey? Yes did he want to turn the tables? Yes could he think of a way to do it? Fuck no.

He settled for shaking his head, he was certain you had the role already and if not he was definitely going to vouch for you,you were good and portrayed Keira well enough to make Joey's Jaskier fidget which Keira did.

"I'm sure you can find fun where ever you find yourself Keira" Henry piped in wanting to see where the scene can go, wanting for you to give him your sultry voice and flirt with him. But you stuttered a little his gaze was intense hot and hooded.

"Y-yes you'd think that!..But there is no fun to be had at home anymore!...Well that's not strictly true there is this one acquaintance a deaf eunuch " Henry spoke up needing to hear the end of this one, trying to fight off his disappointment that you hadn't given him the same treatment as Joey, didn't you like him? Was Joey more your type? No there must be more to it.

"And this deaf eunuch is fun? How so?" you wiggled your eyebrows at him

"Well Witcher he only had one way to show me his gratitude...Any man who only has his hands to speak develops a very....dexterous set of fingers~" Joey slipped out of character confused as Henry burst out laughing. Despite his sour feelings over your non-flirting he couldn't deny that was a funny and well thought out bit of improv.

"Deaf eunuch? F-fingers?..I don't get it-OOHHH!HOLY SHIT YOU DIDN'T! OHH OH MY FUCK" he then started roaring with laughter with Henry making you go shy blushing.

"Oh my god yes...She is definitely the one we need...Defiantly my Keira!" Henry wheezed through his laughter leaning over slapping his knee.

"huh what?" You looked between everyone what do the mean need? It was Tomasz was nodding smiling and spoke up clarifying what Henry had meant.

"That was....Well...It was an audition and you got the part. You became the character very easily it was natural and flowed nicely and you were nervous once relaxed you will make a perfect Keira!" you blinked at him. An audition? For a part in the show "Are you having a laugh? I can't act for shit...Like that was...It was err" Henry smirked lifting a brow

"Acting? Maybe?" You  blushed at him as he leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. You leaned back sitting upright then pulled a face. He was right technically.

"Okay it was kind of acting....But why are you doing this here now? Surely you already have someone? this don't strike me as normal." Lauren sighed

"No your right its not normal...The actress who was playing Keira has pulled out we have a week to find a replacement or will are probably getting cancelled they won't let us delay again" you sat up pin straight

"Wait what? An actress bailed on us last minuet...That’s a bit of a dick move... That's like a big dick move not in a nice big dick way either... Like a dick dick move" Henry and Joey snorted at your statement and Tee creased up. Tomasz moved over to you

"I'm afraid so...I know its a big ask but were were supposed to start filming her scenes the middle of next week and we need a replacement. Fast. Sooo what would you say to stepping in and saving the day? you fit the bill and your here now and from what I've just seen you can do it...You gave her a cheeky, petty vibe which in all honesty was missing from who we selected...We can get you ready I'm sure Henry and Joey can help you, teach you the tricks of the trade so to speak" he lifted his head to the both of them. They nodded Henry speaking up

"I can even mentor you if you want, to get you more comfortable... Me and Joey will look after you I promise" you gulped then looked back to Lauren and Tomasz. You'd never even thought of acting or anything and it was daunting prospect.

"Look...We have run into a problem that could potentially bring production and filming to a halt...Something that could cancel season two completely....But you can help us. We can continue as planned but we understand its a big thing to spring on someone .We can afford to give you a few days to think it over if you need to..." you took a breath it sounded incredible,  like one of those talent scout tales...Could you do it? You didn't want to see the show go down the pan you loved the first season as a viewer and was over the moon when Tee got you the job onset. You loved the witcher as a whole...Maybe helping bring it to life could be fun? A lot of work and you didn't know shit but you could give it a go. But then you’d be working close with Henry who pretty much turned you into a fucking trembling mass of girly hormones "...But I'm not an actress...I doubt I'd be any good.." Tee snorted

"Fuck off 'not an actress', acting is a big expensive game of pretend! And no offense but you've been pretending to be an adult since we left school! You've got this besides everyone will know your situation so if things go pear-shaped or you get confused we can all help sort you out, we wont scream at you over it..." she moved standing between Joey and Henry squishing their faces

"Come on loooook! Look at there poor little faces! Don’t let Jaskier and Geralt die! If we get cancelled that’s what will happen! These charters will die! I will take them out back and shoot them myself! Never to be seen again!" You giggled at her antic as both men in her grasp tried their hardest to pout up at you with there scrunched up faces. You sighed you were gonna regret this.

"Okay okay fine I will try... But don't say I didn't warn you.." everyone took a deep breath relived. Henry and Joey shared a grin now super excited to carry on with the show. Henry more so then Joey he was ecstatic! He can't wait to start getting close to you.

Lauren moved over to you with some long ass looking scripts.

"Here...These are for you! Start reading through these today...Do one episode at a time for now you'd have more chance learning the lines and you need to go to costume.  Tee could you tell them whats happened and get her over there today? let them measure her up luckily it's mostly lace up so shouldn't have to change much" Henry stood up quickly making you jump.

"I will take her and introduce her to everyone...I’m finished for the day so I’m going there anyway" he explained a little sheepish realizing he may have seemed eager. Joey chuckled at him Standing beside him patting the mans back Tomasz shook his head

"Thank you for the offer Henry but we still need you were going to re shoot one of the scenes again, we think there is a better angle we could get" Henry pouted chest deflating a little and nodded to the director

"Right so Tee you escort her , oh where are you staying by the way? In the hotel in town? Well we will need to move you into Keira’s trailer so you'd be onset. Tee could you show her the trailer first then wardrobe and then finally I will pop over with a contract for you this afternoon..." you froze. Contract?. What the fuck? You don't know anything about contracts! Henry caught on to your panic and lit up like Christmas finding another way he could spend time with you.

"Hey its okay...Just a bit of paper saying you've got the job and a bit of legal jargon...I can look over it with you and have my agent look over it if you want? just to be sure everything's good okay? don't worry we will take good care of you I promised didn't I?" You smiled shyly and nodded. 'Holy shit he's looking at you, speak girl stop fucking staring! SPEAK! BREATH!' You took a breath avoiding his gaze a little trying to forget who he was wanting to act cool when you did finally speak it was in a quiet voice.

"I-I Suppose so...I mean yes I'd appreciate someone sorting that out..I get the feeling there are a lot of big words involved" Joey laughed you liked Henry, he could see it and something told him you would both become very close. Well close he estimated you'd be fucking within two weeks. He noted the fact you had both gone quiet Henry's eyes boring into you again as you fiddled with script in your hand. He rolled his eyes you were blushing squirming under the witchers staring gold orbs and he didn't seem to care he was just quite happy to gawk at you. Joey finally decided to cut you so e slack.

"Your not kidding...But like Henry said nothing to bad just a you got the job! And how your being paid really" you chuckled rubbing your neck.

"Fuck! haha you know I didn't even think of that" Tomasz chuckled and nodded. Breaking his silence, he to had noticed the tension between the two of you but would say nothing it wont be a problem after all there was a sexual atmosphere between Geralt and Keira so it would do well on screen.

"Well your an actress now, so of course you'll be paid as an actress, it will be in the paper work, I suggest you go and start reading the scripts Keira is heavily involved in this season she is travelling with Geralt and Jaskier for a while... And a word of advice I'm going to have to take your name to a few higher ups with the video of your audition and names on official websites for the cast will be changed, probably in a day or two...You may want to go and clean up any social media ect that you might have...It could blow up a little bit its...What we are doing is pretty much unheard of" you frowned at him

"You...You filmed that? What? who?" Tee waved her phone up at you gaining your attention.

"Its fine y/n just need it for the records and for a few others to see..." she turned to Lauren

"Might be an idea to put this up somewhere to just to introduce her as the character..." Lauren shook her head

"Not yet get her in costume then a few photos we can film a short teaser scene with them...That can be her debut" Tee nodded and began making a list of things to do then snapped her head up looking at you.

"Seriously change your face book to friends only...And get a fucking twitter on that thought get a bloody snapchat and Instagram to! Okay? life will be easier trust me on this" Henry frowned at you stumped.

"You don't have twitter, Snapchat or Instagram?....No what? How have you? What do you do all day on your phone?" You shrugged and smiled impishly at him.

"I read...Write...Scroll tumblr for hours on end and play games...Never bothered with that social media crap don't know how to use it...Was on tumblr for years before I ever got the courage to post something" Joey smiled taking a step forward and patted your back

"Well at least you have Tumblr which I will want by the way! But never mind about the others I will show you cos your gonna need it!" You smiled at him giggling maybe this wont be so bad? You nodded at him feeling more at ease, it sounded like they were going to help you with all this shit, the only thing you had to do was keep the inner Cavill fangirl at bay, which was gonna be a hell of a job now that you weren't going to be able to avoid him but it was that or watch this show be cancelled and that was not going to happen!. You looked over to Lauren who was still giving Tee a list of jobs and people to contact.

"Okay...So where do I start?" She smiled and quickly stood in front of you as you stood between Joey and Henry both pointing out on the scripts certain things explaining what things meant and how things would work when filming. You nodded trying to take it all in. You took a breath looks like you were doing this.  

[meichenxi]

*rant commencing*

ok guys let’s sit down and have a think about the way we talk to kids, particularly neurodivergent ones, and the weight it carries

the other day, I opened up to a friend about something really hurtful my best (and only) friend said to me when I was fifteen. It was a moment of emotional intimacy and the first time I had brought it up seven years later and, once again, I got laughed at and told I was too fucking sensitive

and ok maybe yeah I was a ridiculous child. I’m a ridiculous adult, that shouldn’t be surprising. But this hurt and hurt and hurt and I was trying to think about why this in particular and not anything else was so painful

so here’s the situation. at fifteen, like many smart kids, everyone thought the world was open to me. Ok I had no social skills to speak of and was ostracised by teachers and students and family, but I was an optimistic kid, and in a disaster of a home situation (involving kidnappings and court cases and running away and being out of school for a year and a brother starting drugs at 12 and living in a shelter and basically just a LOT) I was always the smiley helpful one. and apart from being defeated by very simple mechanisms like idk drawers or biscuit packets, I picked things up quickly. I took GCSEs early and extra and tutored others; I was a regional competitive swimmer in breaststroke and open water; I taught myself the flute and got into an international touring youth orchestra without lessons; I won a poetry competition for adults in primary school; I played competitive netball and was a long distance runner; I drew and sold my art; I wrote shitty novels and started making conlangs and was interviewed on bbc world about it; I loved performing and was invited to join a theatre company when I left school; and my biggest passion in the entire world apart from Tolkien was martial arts. And the best thing was for my parents - one of whom was disabled and didn’t work and the other who was a cleaner - is that I worked two paper rounds and tutored younger children and earned all of the money for it myself. blah blah blah. I was your mum’s friend’s kid. 

well, I’m a disaster adult, so you can probably guess that none of that lasted for very long. and there are gazillions of people here with exactly the same story. 

the point in question, though, was when I was fifteen and thinking about sixth form (the last two years of school in the UK) it was becoming clear alarmingly fast that you weren’t allowed to just keep doing everything you loved. at some point you had to make a choice. 

but how could I give up swimming for music? Or music for languages? Or languages for athletics? Or athletics for theatre? or, actually, all of them but one???? how did people just know what they had to do with their lives? how did they choose? 

the problem was, I said to my friend, I know I could do well at any of them, so how was I supposed to choose? (tactless and a stupid thing to say and also just not true but I was fifteen and simultaneously disgustingly cocky and cripplingly insecure) And he laughed and said, well, fuck you then. 

oh noooo. poor meeeeeee. I’m so fucking good at things what do I dooooo

I haven’t stopped thinking about that comment for seven years. Every single time I think about wasting my potential, every time I can’t sleep because I’m terrified that I’m not being productive or useful and hating myself because I’m upset that I can’t do something right away and I know it’s a stupid thing to be upset about - I think about that comment. I’m lucky. It’s alright for some. 

because, actually, being expected to know what to do with your life aged 15 is a fucking terrifying thing. we were kids at fifteen being told to make decisions as if we had all the facts, as if we weren’t also being blindfolded and spun around in circles until we couldn’t stand. Do you do what your parents say? what you think you want to do? what your teachers say? do you just stay in education even though it’s not for you because your dream is stupid, or because you don’t have a dream like everyone else seems to? are you supposed to have a dream?

*it’s NOT a stupid thing to worry about*

particularly when? well, when your entire self worth equates to the things that you output, the things that you do. so just for a moment, put yourself in the shoes of all of these wonderful, dazzling, damaged, crazy kids with big dreams and big hearts, kids that are struggling right now and kids that are our future, and imagine that you’ve been told since you were old enough to read or speak or walk that you’re just so very clever

isn’t it just wonderful how clever you are? isn’t it just great how we never need to worry about you? you’re such an easy child, it’s a blessing. always so considerate, so thoughtful, never making a fuss! isn’t it just fantastic how well you do in school? I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a child who went to all of those nasty parties. you’re so dedicated

raise your hand if you were only ever told you were good. raise your hand if you were never told you were kind. 

so, what happens? you take a child, and you tell them for its entire childhood that they’re clever. You don’t tell them that they’re creative, or hard-working, or dedicated, or driven, or helpful. You let them know that it’s ok that they’re weird, because they’re going to be successful. what do you think parents say to their kid who’s crying because she has no friends and she doesn’t understand what the other children are thinking and why they would hurt each other like that? even good parents, the very best of them, say things like: you’re just more mature than they are. it doesn’t matter. keep your head down - you’ll show them. 

your child, in the best case scenario, has access to her hyperfixation that makes the world big and bright and beautiful. she’s a bit weird, but it’s kind of cute. anyway, she’s good at it. and as long as she succeeds, conventionally, and you get to brag, then it’s ok that she’s a little bit unconventional.

and then things to break, just a little. and then, aged eleven, your child is having an asthma attack in the classroom because she got so anxious she couldn’t answer a maths question she couldn’t breathe. it’s ok, her parents tell her the next day. you’re just not good at maths - that’s alright. you don’t have to be good at everything

your child, because she’s perceptive, begins to realise that things don’t get better as you get older. people are just as cruel at 12 as they are at 7, and they’ll be just as cruel at 15. and then one day, as a bad joke because she doesn’t really understand humour, she writes a fake text to her dad from someone’s phone in legalese that actually has a secret code hidden it in that she knows her dad will crack right away because he’s brilliant. she thinks it’s hilarious. her father thinks he is being threatened, and spends the next week in meltdown, bedridden and burnt-out. and when she owns up, he turns and snaps at her, and says as if you could write something like that. an ADULT wrote this, not a fucking child

and suddenly, that cleverness they kept talking about? they don’t even understand that. 

suddenly, no one sees her at all. 

she needs to learn to be like the other kids. to be like a fucking child. and while she’s learning, she doesn’t speak for a year

that happened to me, but take your pick - I’m sure you don’t have to look far to find examples of your own. 

My point is this: if you tell a child for their entire life that the only thing that is worthy of being loved is what they achieve, if every time they do something they love you tell them oh, you could be a famous writer! you’re so talented! rather than saying that you loved listening to their story, if you only praise them when they’re good and quiet and convenient and tell them that as long as they succeed, it doesn’t matter if they don’t have friends or if they’re miserable, and THEN you tell them to choose ONE THING and drop 90% of everything that makes them who they are - 

what the hell did you THINK was going to happen??

because here’s the first thing. for many kids, whether that’s because of neurodivergence or age maturity or whatever, hyper fixations and hobbies aren’t just things they like to do. THEY ARE LIFELINES. they’re the things these kids go to when they’re hurt, angry, upset, because they make sense. for many kids, especially but not always girls, they are able to camouflage themselves and mask tendencies of neurodivergence because they’re ‘good students’. at a family gathering once, my mum, so frustrated at my inability and lack of desire to talk to any members of my extended family, snatched my German grammar book and locked it in the boot of the car. knowing that I escape and read it in the toilet was the only thing keeping me going, exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed. I vomited on the grass.

and here’s the second thing. you tell us from an early age that they only way we’ll ever be acceptable to the rest of society is if we succeed. autistic kids are fine, as long as they’re international maths olympiad champions. adhd kids are fine, as long as they’re famous athletes. if you’re obsessed with musicals that’s ok, as long as that obsession leads to a well-paying job as a successful writer on Broadway. 

and then you tell us that we only have one chance at that success? and this decision determines the rest of our lives? and that we had so much potential when we were kids, and we better not waste it now? that not everyone is so lucky to be able to choose between so many things?? 

because being asked to choose between these things isn’t being asked to choose a hobby. when the only way anyone else defines you positively is by your success in one area, that becomes your entire identity. 

so no, we’re not being too sensitive when you ask us to pick and choose what career, or what hobby to take forward. you’re not asking about hobbies. you’re asking us to choose what kind of person we want to be. you’re asking us to choose the most impactful way we can give back to the world, because we can’t waste those god-given talents. you’re asking us to figure out, still a child and hopelessly lost, what our purpose on this planet is. and you’re looking at us as if the ways that we survived all of these years, the things we clung to for comfort, are things we can just cast aside without further thought

ask me now, and I’ll tell you that’s not the way things work. we have second chances and third ones and tenth ones, we can be different things to different people and we can do different things at different parts in our lives, and be successful in different areas. life isn’t a fucking flowchart. and I’m still trying to come to terms with all the things I could have been, and my freak-outs about ‘wasted potential’ are so clockwork I could plan my calendar around them, but I’m beginning to understand that life doesn’t end when you’re twenty, or when you haven’t written a best-seller by eighteen. you have time.   

but at fifteen? at fifteen, that question broke me. 

do you know what you can do instead? you can show a little thoughtfulness. you can be kinder, and lead by example, and praise your kids when they’re kind too. when your son runs to you and shows you what you think is a better picture than you - a stick figure artisan, if you say so yourself - could ever create, you can actually just say you really like it. you can ask him if that’s him and daddy and the dog on a cloud. describe the picture back to him, and engage with this thing he’s made from his imagination - tell him the clouds he’s drawn are so big and fluffy and white, and ask if there are giant spiders living there. you know how to shut a child up? tell them yes dear, it’s wonderful. don’t be that person. promote your kid’s creativity - ask questions, have fun, play with this thing they’ve made - and not destroy it

when your daughter comes to you and shows you a song she’s written, don’t tell her she’s so talented or that she could be a musician one day. just sing along. ask her why she wrote it, and what she was thinking of when she did. ask her if she could make it different for two people singing it at the same time. 

and if your child just really, really loves maths? let them do maths. it’s ok if their interests are stereotypical - as long as they love it and it’s fun, supporting them is wonderful. the best present my father ever got me was five hours of tutoring - an introduction to linguistics!! - when I turned twelve, starting on my birthday at 8am. I had never felt so understood and so loved. 

as much as these simple things can destroy someone’s life, can stop them talking for a year, you have the chance to be that one voice of kindness that is a friend where a young person needs it most. 

for me, this was the Bus Lady. I never knew her first name because I forgot immediately and was too embarrassed to ask again, but we got the bus together for two years right before I applied to university - she was a trainee teacher at my school. she saw that I missed tutor group and sat in the corridor every morning writing, and that I ran laps for an hour every lunchtime instead of sitting alone. but she came and sat with me one morning and asked what I was doing; I was developing a new shorthand and told her so warily. 

she didn’t raise her eyebrows or say wow, that’s...that’s amazing. instead she frowned and looked at me skeptically and said ‘But why would you do that? There are plenty of functional shorthands out there - what does your shorthand have that they don’t? Tell me about it.’

I had no idea what to say

this was the first time anyone had actually ENGAGED in any capacity with what I was doing. and just like that, just by treating me seriously and asking valid questions and pointing out inconsistencies, I was a person who happened to have an idea that was in some serious need of questioning, and not a freak

there’s no way she remembers that interaction; she’s been a teacher now for year and probably doesn’t even remember who I am. But I had been this close to not going to university, to not bothering, and she made me stop, and wait a moment

she will never know the difference that that conversation and two months of kindness on the bus from a stranger made in my life. 

so let’s be kind to each other, please. let’s be forgiving. let’s challenge each other and let’s engage with kids with special interests and listen to them talk. and so to any educators or teachers or parents or even other kids, I want to say - let’s treat our words seriously and with respect, like we treat our children, because they have immense capacity to hurt, because they can be used for good. 

to any other fifteen year olds in a similar position, I just want to say: none of us here on tumblr have properly sorted our lives out, but I promise you it does get so much better.

you’re not too sensitive. you’re not a freak. you’re not only acceptable because you succeed. I know if you’re masking you feel you have to and it’s for survival, and I’m sorry, because you shouldn’t have to. and you should never, never have to think that you ‘have it good’ or that you’re lucky and are not allowed to hurt. there’s always some one who has it worse, and you can’t stop beat yourself up about that. fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. if you have gone through trauma, if you have unhealthy coping mechanisms, if you are depressed or anxious or otherwise mentally ill and some of it stems from this, I am so very very sorry. but you will be ok, even if you can’t write for a couple of years, or even if things change. you’ll get there. speaking as someone who is now writing for the first time in six years, drawing for the first time in longer, it’s scary and new and weird, but you will come out the other side. 

and you do work hard. and you are creative. and you are loved. and you are so very, very kind.

*rant over*

[oldsmobile-hotdogs]

Questions for crossover jatp ghosts crossover fic: I hope Julian and the sunset curve boys talk about the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Yugoslav wars that happened when they were alive + Bill Cilnton. I wonder what pat and the band would talk about considering that they would of been kids when pat died? Do you think Julie would think of Les Mis and Hamilton cos Thomas and Kitty are from about the same time period as those musicals? I hope Julie calls Fanny Mary poppins.

Anon, or "Mimi", or "Lulu", or, heck, maybe even "Carl Birtles": Update: Not Carl Birtles. Carl Birtles sent me an ask and is cool, actually.

Stop. Right now. I'd say stop while you're ahead, but you are so far away from ahead at this point it's laughable.

For everyone confused, this is that "commenter from AO3" I joked about making a 2017-esque story time video about.

A couple days ago I uploaded the first chapter of a Julie and the Phantoms/BBC Ghosts crossover fic.

You know what? I’m gonna promo it here bc it’s my callout post and I can shill if I want to: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30681704/chapters/76661471

It was generally very well received and I've had a blast interacting with readers.

Except for this.

Honestly, there's so much to get into, so I’m putting it under a cut:

This was their first correspondence (email notif bc I deleted the comment, the deletion to be explained later):

(Funnily enough, the links very much do not work on AO3, making the comment only more jarring)

I gave you *so much* benefit of the doubt when I saw this comment, and assumed that maybe you're an ESL user, just very enthusiastic to share ideas, and I pretty much said so in my reply, but know that at that point I'd already had friends- who fucking know about this, don't you dare think you're getting me alone- tell me that you were being very demanding.

Below was my reply (another email notif):

I'm gonna be honest, I think I responded really well to what I was given, and now that I'd replied, I was pretty certain the situation was dealt with. You, evidently, didn't agree, as shown by your reply to my reply:

A word of advice: when replying to someone, at least pretend like you read what they wrote.

At this point I'm left wondering two things:

What do they expect from me, if a general reply is not it?

How much more shit do they have waiting to tell me to put in my- reminder, JATP/BBC Ghosts crossover, rated T, comedic- fic?

In order to avoid finding out either, I freeze the thread on AO3. I'm liveblogging all of this on Discord.

It's then that I notice that the username on AO3 isn't clickable, so even if I wanted to block or report them I couldn't. I assume, therefore, that they've deactivated, and since them seeing their comments gone and getting angry was the only thing stopping me deleting the comments, I delete the comments.

It's also at this point I see "Mimi" never left kudos. I guess I don't deserve praise until I mention "Bill Cilnton".

There's relative calm for a short amount of time, until I get another comment:

This one is much kinder than the others and doesn't mention any specific, weird, historical events, so the extent to which I think this is "Mimi" is debatable, but bestie I'm weirded out enough that anything that even uses the enter bar unnecessarily and misses out conjunctive words like "because" and "and" is going to activate fight or flight. Update: Carl Birtles is not Mimi or Lulu. Carl was just being genuinely kind and I misinterpreted it and that's on me.

However, "Carl"'s case is not helped by the fact I can't click his account either, that AO3 offers me the ability to report it as spam, and that guess who replies to "Carl"'s comment: Update: Carl, having done nothing wrong as he has, is therefore also a victim in the situation that is being replied to by Lulu. It would seem Lulu is trying to correct??? some of Carl's commentary.

You must think I didn't get a 7 on my English Literature GCSE because you seem to underestimate my ability to compare two texts.

So clearly this is "Mimi", who has also just replied to "Carl". "Lulu" is also deactivated, and I've fallen off the end of my tether, let alone reached it, at this point so I mark it as spam. "Carl" gets to stay bc he said the idea for the crossover was good. Update: Carl also gets to continue to stay because I have it on good faith that he's a stand-up dude.

So at this point you've readily admitted through your inability to shake up your writing style to using at least one sockpuppet to convince me to talk about the "Yugoslav wars".

If "Carl Birtles" is the real(-est) of them, and "Mimi" and "Lulu" are the sockpuppets, by the way, I have questions and ideas about what you do on your free evenings and I want them neither confirmed nor answered. Update: This is slanderous and I want to apologise wholeheartedly to Carl for making assumptions about him and judging his character. Once again, he is not Mimi or Lulu. He's just a normal, cool guy.

And now you come to me, on the day of my daughter's wedding on a different platform, leave me an anon ask in the exact same format as you're so fond of, and expect any different ??

Well, yeah, then I guess I'll give you special treatment this time.

Here's exactly why I will never include anything you have told me to include:

Julian and the Phantoms discussing the Berlin Wall would be highly inappropriate for the largely fluffy, cracky tone of my fanfiction, especially given how recently the event occurred, how many Eastern Germans still experience prejudice to this day because they were born within the old borders of the DDR, and because of how nuanced this, essentially proxy war, was and how ill-informed a huge amount of the world is on the actual factors in play during this time and the Cold War in general.

Julian and the Phantoms will not discuss Yugoslavia dissolving, nor the fallout and conflict that resulted, because it was genocidal. There is nowhere I can fit Julian, pantsted, casually asking Luke “hey do you remember when the Herzegovinas were killed en masse by the Serbs?” Not gonna happen.

They won’t discuss Bill Clinton because all of them know who the current world leaders are: they don’t have amnesia, they’re ghosts. The fic is also rated T, so it would be inappropriate to make any explicit reference to “sexual relations”. None of them play saxophone.

Julie wouldn’t think of Les Mis or Hamilton because Thomas is Regency, not French Revolution, and Kitty is Georgian, not Colonial.

Julie won’t be calling Fanny Mary Poppins because she is perpetually stuck in a white dress, doesn’t wear a hat, doesn’t own an umbrella or a purse and was not the nanny or housekeeper of Button House.

The ghosts will not discuss the marvels of modern transportation or how long it would’ve taken to cross the Atlantic on dinghy because the ghosts have seen Friends. The house irl is on a flight path. They know airplanes exist. Alison and Mike pulled up in a car.

I will probably have the phantoms and Willie talk to Pat and Julian about being from the ‘80s and ‘90s. That I will actually probably do.

The Captain will not mention FD Roosevelt because, again, they all know who the current world leaders are, and I doubt he expects a ‘90s pop punk band to have any insider knowledge on the man.

It was interesting to think of the phantoms’ grandparents having been alive during WW2. I wasn’t lying. But there is nearly nothing I can do with this information.

But above all: both sets of ghosts have already adapted to modern life. Because the shows are shorter, and meant to actually be able to fit jokes in them.

If you want to see any of this, write your own damn fic. I don’t own the concept of a JATP/BBC Ghosts crossover.

What you will not do, “consonant-vowel-consonant-vowel”-nim, is hound me on multiple accounts and then change platform to hound me again. I’m absolutely not having it.

I have never received an interaction quite like this before, and I cannot help but wonder if this is because this is my first work in the Ghosts/HH/Them There/Six Idiots/Yonderland/Bill fandom: that this is where you primarily camp out.

So it’s at this point I ask the Them There/Six Idiots fandom if they have/if they know anyone who has had a run-in with this person or thinks they may have, or if anyone perhaps even knows who this is? Maybe I’m just one of many. Maybe this is a necessary fandom evil I was unaware of.

This experience has left me royally freaked out, as one might imagine, especially since my anxiety in general has been acting up due to it being exam season. I want to thank everyone who’s read my rambles on Discord and on here and even listened to them irl and offered support from the bottom of my heart.

I’ve enabled comment moderation on the fic. I will continue to write it, and I will put exactly what I, and only what I, want in it.

Believe it or not, I wanted to do literally anything else today.

Anon: Fucking Leave Me Alone.

Update: Just reiterating: Carl is not Mimi or Lulu. Carl is a cool dude and I want to sincerely apologise for having brought him into this mess, passing judgment on his character, and making him feel like he should stop practicing English online.

[themalhambird]

Growing Up Broken: I Talk About My (A)sexuality For 4 ¼ Pages.

I am asexual.

No, this doesn’t mean that I’m some form of plant budding off copies of myself if I get enough water and sunlight. It’s a shame. I could do a lot with multiple copies of myself- get someone else to do the dishes, the cleaning, my schoolwork…

I am asexual.

Asexuality is the absence of sexual desires or feelings for other people. I say absence deliberately: sexual attraction is not something that I lack or am missing. I am not going without. I’m just a 23 year old who has never once felt the desire to have sex with another person, who couldn’t describe how it feels to “fancy” someone if there was a gun to their head, who thinks women and men and anyone in between can sometimes be stunningly beautiful, would possibly be nice to cuddle- but kissing on the mouth seems like it would be a really weird thing to do.

I am asexual, and it’s almost Pride Month, and so I want to untangle some of the thoughts in my head and spin them out on to paper, to try and lay out my feelings about my sexuality, or lack thereof, and what it’s like growing up when no one bothers to tell you that not experiencing sexual desire like, ever, is a thing. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

It’s 2014. Puberty has doing stuff to me for the last two years or so: periods (urgh), breasts (neat!), underarm hair (why do I have to shave this? no one’s gonna see it), growth spurts (I’m getting taller than my older sister. I want to keep going till I’m taller than mum). The only thing not happening is wanting to have sex, something the nurse who came to Talk To Us All About Growing Up back in 2009 assured us Year Sixes would definitely happen as soon as puberty hit.

Still. It’ll happen soon, probably. Sixteen is still a bit too young to be having sexual feelings, right? The boys…really not interesting at all, but the other girls are pretty. I like their hair. I like the shape of their bodies. I just don’t fancy any of them. When we’re told to imagine our future husbands or wives in class (don’t ask my why, I’ve long forgotten the point of the exercise, I just remember that) I picture a wife.

(Lesbian is the first label I apply to myself. I stick it on tentatively- keep peeling it off my shirt and putting it back somewhere different like I’m not quite sure where it fits. It’s not wrong, necessarily. I’m just not certain it’s right. I like girls a whole lot better but I’m not saying I could never love a guy. I’m just not attracted to them. I’m not attracted to women, either- but I feel like I will be. When I’m old enough to feel that kind of thing. )

Sex Ed lessons are mortifying. We’re asked to list all the sexual terms we know on an A3 sheet of paper. I don’t know what half the things other people say mean- blowjob, 69, masturbate, porn . I don’t know how other people know these things either. We’re sixteen. It’s too young.

That summer I play Sebastian in an abridged version of Twelfth Night and it convinces me to take Drama at A-level, although I didn’t at GCSE. The drama classes teach me two things. First of all, I don’t like acting women. I prefer breeches rolls. I don’t know why. We’re talking about my asexuality, not my gender confusion, so let’s put a pin in that and move on to point two. My drama class teaches me that everyone my age is having sex, or wants to have sex, or is planning on having sex soon; sex is a constant, every class, every conversation. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. So apparently sixteen (seventeen) isn’t too young after all.

It’s like this. One day you wake up and you realise that everyone else is speaking a language you don’t understand. Suddenly, sexual feelings aren’t something that no one your age is having but you’ll all develop soon- it’s that sexual feelings are something that everybody your age is having apart from you. People your age are dating, kissing, fucking, and it’s not something you’re interested in doing, necessarily, but you still feel so horribly left out. Like you’re missing some kind of major milestone. You try not to let it bother you- you watch Buffy every Monday you get to see your dad. (You watch loss of virginity be portrayed as growing up). You read. (The books you pick up all involve love and love always seems to at least imply sex). You- google things. You google the words you didn’t understand in that sex ed class. You google “how to tell if you’re attracted to someone” in case there’s some secret signal your body sent you that you missed. You feel like you should know if you’ve ever felt sexual attraction but then maybe you’re just really, really dumb. Maybe there’s something wrong with you. The NHS website reckons that if you’ve got a low sex drive you ought to see a doctor. The girls in your drama class keep talking about boys and sex and sex and boys and you aren’t really interested in either of those things. You cling to the thought, lesbian and hope that when you get to university, you’ll stop being so repressed. Girls are pretty- but the ones at school are either your friends or kind of mean. Of course you don’t fancy anyone there. University. University will save you. (Boys are sometimes pretty too. There are boys at school whose personalities are nice enough- who are the type of man you wouldn’t mind dating one day maybe- but you can’t ever picture yourself having sex with one. Dicks seem weird and really not the kind of thing you’d want inside you. I mean for fuck’s sake- why? You can’t even get a tampon in.)

I don’t like looking back on this. Sixteen, seventeen year old me was starting to get pretty freaked out. I like looking back at the first year of uni even less, because if seventeen year old me was freaking out, eighteen year old me was buying alcohol. That’s how it goes, right? Sex and alcohol. You see it all the time on T.V. Fictional people get fictional drunk and fictional cheat while they’re on fictional breaks with their fictional partners. David Tennant is pretty. A man at work is handsome and more importantly intelligent, into Shakespeare, into good conversation. The label switches from lesbian to ‘bisexual but heavily skewed toward women’ and I cling to that as tightly as possible because after that, I’m out of options. It is impossible that I’m not feeling sexual attraction: the whole world screams about sexual fucking attraction all the fucking time, I’m obviously just too uptight, I obviously just need to relax-

I once drank a whole bottle of wine in what was essentially one go. I paused for breath, but that was about it- I don’t think I even bothered with a glass. My goal was to get myself drunk enough that I could feel sexual attraction. I thought that the best way to go about things- to finally ‘grow up’- would be to get super drunk, and then leave the flat and find someone who would screw me. I reasoned that I would enjoy it once I was doing it- after all, the whole world pushes sex as this wholly desirable thing for any normal adult to want, even need- so I would like it once I was doing it and then I would be fixed. Fortunately, drinking a whole bottle of wine when you’ve never had more than a single glass of champagne or a couple of glasses of rum and apple juice before in your life gets you past “lowered inhibitions” to “can’t walk straight or upright” very quickly. I got as far as the bathroom, threw up, a lot, and staggered back to my room. I woke up at 3 pm the next afternoon feeling stupid for drinking, and mad at myself for still being a virgin.

I had a lot of problems in my first year of university and not all of them were about my sexuality crisis. I was isolated, fairly friendless, and not really cut out for socialising with my housemates who were probably all lovely people, but I find new people painfully difficult and hiding away seemed easier. But the feeling that there was something broken inside me because I wasn’t experiencing what everything seemed to be telling me was one of the most vital parts of the human experience- sexual attraction to other people- contributed to my general feelings of self-loathing and disgust. I attempted to induce sexual desire in myself by drinking on several further occasions, although never quite to the same extent as the first time. I’m not sure whether this counts as self-harm, but it certainly wasn’t healthy.

I didn’t know asexuality was a thing.

I knew I wasn’t straight- I’d known that for a while. I learnt that I enjoyed reading, talking, even writing about sex, as long as it was sex between people who weren’t real, but fantasising about fictional characters having sex and fantasying about myself having sex are two very different things. The former happened fairly frequently. The latter didn’t happen once, and still never has. My second year at university was better than my first: I was living with friends, I was further away from campus which meant I had to walk more, which probably helped, I had also started to make several friends online with whom I could happily chat even when I wasn’t in the mood for ‘actual’ people. I used bisexual to describe myself because on the rare occasions I thought about romance, I couldn’t really see myself ruling out anyone who was willing to put up with me.

I’m not quite clear when I first heard the term ‘asexuality’. I became aware of it gradually. Someone I followed on Tumblr identified as ‘grey-ace’. Characters from my favourite fantasy series were being headcanoned as ‘asexual’. At some point I must have learnt properly what that meant.

It sometimes feels like there ought to have been a lightbulb moment- like I should have seen the word, seen the definition, and instantly seen myself. But it is very, very hard to delete the message- ‘sex is important- sex is what grown-ups do- sex is what you should want to do’ – that the world constantly sends to us: in advertising, in entertainment, in the conversations of a drama class that always circled back to that topic, to the detriment of the sole seventeen year old who wasn’t really bothered. To embrace asexuality seemed like I was giving up on trying to fix myself, on waiting for the right person to come and make everything better. On the potential of their being a right person. I can wrap my head around people having casual sex very easily. It’s romantic love without sexual desire that I’m scared won’t work- how am I supposed to know if it’s love without there also being physical attraction? No romance arc that I had ever seen was without an element of sexual tension. So, no lightbulb moment for me. No switch going off- “aha, at last, that’s what I am!”. Just a gradual thought washing across my mind every now and then, like the tide rushing up a patch of sand and drawing straight back, leaving only dampness to show where there had been a good half-inch of water only a moment ago.

I might be asexual?

And ‘I might’ becomes ‘I think I am’, and the tide starts coming in. ‘I think I am’ became ‘I am’ at some point or other.

I am asexual.

I find reassurance in knowing that there’s a word for what I am, for how I (do not) feel. I am asexual. Not broken, or damaged, or too uptight to properly feel, or too dumb to recognise what I do feel. I am asexual- I have an absence of any sexual desire for others and that’s perfectly okay. I might fall in love one day. I might not. I don’t know how you’re supposed to know if you have the capacity to fall in love before you find yourself doing it. It might be nice to have a wife. It would also be nice to have a cat. I could cope with it just being me, a cat, and good friends for the rest of my life. If I fall in love- if I am capable of falling in love- it will just mean I am asexual, but romantic, and I will have learnt something new about myself. The point is-

The point is, I am incredibly lucky that I stumbled across Asexuality before I got myself hurt trying to force something that wasn’t there. The point is, this world assumes that sexual desires are the norm, and maybe they are, but that just makes it all the more important that people know that they aren’t abnormal for not experiencing sexual desire. To all the people who need to hear it: You are not broken. You are not alone.

I’m not sure how to wrap this up. I feel like I should say something profound or something. But I think I’m just gonna leave it like this:

I am asexual. Asexuality is the absence of sexual desires or feelings for other people. I say absence deliberately: sexual attraction is not something that I lack or am missing. I am not going without. I’m just a 23 year old who has never once felt the desire to have sex with another person, who couldn’t describe how it feels to “fancy” someone if there was a gun to their head, who thinks women and men and anyone in between can sometimes be stunningly beautiful, and possibly be nice to cuddle- but kissing on the mouth seems like it would be a really weird thing to do. I am not broken. I am not ‘going through a phase’ or ‘looking for attention’ or ‘trying to be special’. Everyone’s special, fuck you. Knowing that I am not the only person to feel how I feel makes me feel like I’m standing on solid ground. May all people experiencing the same confusion and distress over their sexual orientation that I felt growing up find their way safely to the same solid ground: you are not broken. We’re not broken.