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myaekingheart · 3 years

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20 [Fanfic Writer] Questions Game

Thank you so much for tagging me, @lemony-snickers! This is tons of fun, I love answering these kinds of big questionnaires 😂💕 Also putting mine under a cut because there’s a lot of questions and I like to ramble.

Also gonna go ahead and just tag whoever wants to do this! 😅💕

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

As of August 27, 2021, I have a total of 77 works on my AO3!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

Funny enough, I was just looking at this, specifically, earlier today and kind of laughing about it. Right now, my total word count across all my works is 1,148,941 😬

3. How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

Apparently 12, but some of them I don’t really consider “big” in my fandom repertoire. Naruto is my greatest fandom with a total of 60 fics so far, followed by The Chronicles of Narnia and Rise of the Guardians. The rest are ones I either did crossover fics with or just did one-off little pieces with--The Incredibles, Tangled, Brave, How to Train Your Dragon, Arthurian Mythology, Disney Princesses, Fairy Tales and Related Fandoms, Back to the Future, and Frozen.

4. What are your Top Five fics by kudos?

The Scarecrow and The Bell (Naruto) - 470 kudos The Day Kakashi’s Mask Slipped (Naruto) - 139 kudos Sunflowers (Naruto) - 92 kudos Sakumo the House Husband (Naruto) - 81 kudos Someone to Lean On (Naruto) - 67 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always try to respond to comments, because I like to acknowledge when people respond to my work. I cherish comments like nobody’s business, especially when they’re kind and reactionary. I just really love seeing/hearing what people think of the way a story is progressing, or what they thought of a one-shot. Comments keep me going especially when it comes to longfic so I want to be able to let readers know that I do in fact see their comments, that I’m acknowledging what they’re saying, and that I appreciate them. Plus, it can be kind of fun to tease upcoming events in a fic through responses to people’s comments, too. Because I’m mean.

6. What fic have you written with the angstiest ending?

Definitely Hothouse (Rise of the Guardians/The Incredibles; Jack Frost x Violet Parr; American Horror Story AU). This was the first multi-chaptered fic I ever wrote to completion and I honestly cringe when I remember it exists both because it’s so poorly organized (and full of nasty plot holes) and because I just went ham on the gore factor. It definitely has a really bittersweet and heartbreaking ending to it, too.

7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I think I’ll definitely have to say Temptation. The story itself was kind of a ride, and it’s only the first installment in a series, but it follows the plot of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe but remixed due to the presence of an original character, but the ending is still roughly the same as the original: they defeat the evil, the Pevensies are all crowned kings and queens, happy days. Reading the last few paragraphs of the last chapter honestly still gets me all up in my feelings.

8. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I used to be more of a crossover writer due to one of my main ships being a crossover ship. They weren’t super crazy, though, because they were both CGI-animated films. The craziest crossover I’ve ever written is an in-progress/unfinished multichapter piece, Kakashi, Enchanted, that sees our favorite Copy Ninja get kamui’d into the Disney princess dimension and has to help the likes of Snow White, Cinderella, and Rapunzel on his journey to find a way back to his own world. It’s a super weird premise but definitely one of my more lighthearted works and fun to revisit when I need to decompress.

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I don’t think I’ve ever received hate so much as I’ve received criticism. The closest I ever got to hate on a fic, I think, was someone left an overly personal and mentally disturbed comment on a chapter of my main fic that made me convinced they needed to seek therapy and deal with their own personal issues rather than take it out on a fanfic about animated ninjas.

10. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Maybe 👀 I’m super vanilla when it comes to smut, though. I think the wildest thing I’ve ever written in smut is breeding kink.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, and I hope I never will.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet! I had someone ask to translate a one-shot of mine in Russian but I never got a response back when I laid out my terms and conditions.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not! I used to do paragraph-style roleplay which was kind of like cowriting fanfiction but writing is so personal and sacred to me that I don’t know if I could ever actually cowrite a fic with someone. I like brainstorming with other people, but writing for me is more of a deeply personal and independent endeavour.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Oh god, this is a tricky question because it depends on fandom. I absolutely love New Dream (Rapunzel x Eugene, Tangled) and have for the past ten years, and my love for them as only grown since watching Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure. I don’t write or even really read a ton of fanfiction for them, though. I’m also still highly dedicated to my favorite crossover crackship, Frostfield (Jack Frost x Violet Parr, Rise of the Guardians/The Incredibles) and to this day, if you search for that ship on AO3, I am the sole provider of every single fic about them so far. I’m not as active with them as I used to be, but they got me through some really rough times back in the day and still mean so much to me. A lot of my favorite ships across fandoms, though, are honestly canon x OC ships of mine because I am a self-indulgent bitch who needs to project. So Peter Pevensie x Eilonwy (The Chronicles of Narnia) and Kakashi Hatake x Rei Natsuki (Naruto) are really important to me and I’ve poured so much of myself specifically into their stories. I think it’s safe to say Kakashi and Rei is my all-time favorite ship across all fandoms, though, just because of how much their story means to me. The Scarecrow and The Bell is my magnum opus, my pride and joy, and I’m sure it will be my biggest fandom footprint of my entire life. I’ve dedicated the past three years to this story and these characters and I intend to continue doing it until it no longer brings me joy (which I hope it always will). There’s just so much I could say about this story and Kakashi and Rei’s relationship but I don’t think we have enough time or space in this post for that 😅 Just know that they mean the world to me and I will always hold them in the highest regard as a beautifully messy, flawed, passionate, soulmate-y ship that I love with all of my heart 🥺

EDIT: I also feel obligated to tack on some of my absolute favorite Naruto ships because I may not have written for all of them (yet) but they still make me unbelievably happy or I find them really compelling and enjoy the idea of exploring them:

Naruhina is precious happy sunshine and The Last honestly felt like a wonderful Disney princess movie to me, it was so cute and the romance was so on-point, Naruhina just makes me so incredibly happy and I love them with all my heart.

MinaKushi also gets me all up in my feels and I adore them with every fiber of my being. Their romance also gave me Disney princess movie vibes which I love, their story is just so damn sweet as is their character dynamic and I am still so heartbroken that they never got to be a happy family with Naruto because you know what? It’s what they deserved!

SasuSaku is so compelling to me and I really feel like we were cheated out of seeing their relationship develop and evolve postwar in the same way The Last did for Naruhina. They’re my favorite angst ship and while I don’t think they were written that well in canon, I love the possibility and potential of them together and am excited to explore them more in-depth in my own writing.

NejiTen is just too cute, I really love the way Neji and Tenten’s personalities compliment each other? I don’t have much else to say about them except that I really love them together and think they have so much untapped potential that I also can’t wait to explore in more depth in my own writing.

15. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Paper Hearts and Impromptu Bookmarks, probably. I love the premise of this story a lot and I have so many interesting ideas for it but at the same time, it also feels kind of cheap and cringey to me, in a way? It takes all of these ideas I probably would have had if I had been into Naruto when I was a kid and kind of compiles them all into one big story. Kakashi and Aiko’s relationship and story is still really important to me and I want to continue it someday but for right now, I just haven’t had the motivation or desire to write any more of it. I think I’m just so overwhelmingly preoccupied with writing Kakashi and Rei’s story that I can’t imagine writing any other Kakashi x OC fics right now.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I want to say that I’m really good at capturing complex emotion? I don’t know, I write a lot of angst and mental upheaval in my fics which can be really difficult to try and capture, but I think I do a decent enough job of it? And just writing difficult subjects in general. I think it’s really important to address difficult topics such as mental illness and relationship difficulties and everything but I also want to try and write those topics in a way that is both authentic to the experience while also still tasteful. I don’t want to drive readers away with heavy subject matter but rather present a situation that feels real and authentic while also still being digestible. I may not be doing a very good job of that during the current arc of my fic that I’m working on, but I’m trying haha

EDIT 2: I also want to add onto this to say that I’m really proud of my organizational techniques for writing longfic. It’s not necessarily a strength in terms of the prose itself but it’s something that’s taken me years to really get a grasp on and find a method that works perfectly for me and so far, it’s been extremely helpful and beneficial to me. I don’t know where I would be now as a writer without these essential tools in my pocket.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I feel like I do a really bad job of the “show, don’t tell” thing. It can be really hard to balance descriptive prose with straightforward writing that moves things along. I don’t want to dwell on mental dialogue to the point where you lose track of what’s going on, but I also don’t want my stuff to read like “Character A did xyz. Character B said abc. They went to 123″, whatever. Another thing I struggle with is sentence variation. I always fall into the same patterns when I’m writing prose and I get really self-conscious about it because I don’t want to sound repetitive or disrupt the flow of the writing. One of my favorite things about prose is focusing on the cadence of the words, I think it’s one of the most beautiful things about writing in general, but it can just be really difficult to get a good grip on that. I’ve been told in the past that I apparently have a really good grasp/control of the language or whatever but sometimes I just find that really hard to believe when I look at my work with such scrutiny. I think one of my biggest pet peeves with my own writing, too, is feeling like I start all of my sentences the same five different ways. I’ll read other people’s works and they’ll write sentences like “Glass-blue water lapped against the shores of a deserted beach as a lonely woman gazed off into the distance” and I can just never figure out how to realistically write sentences that start like that in the context of my prose and it drives me fucking crazy, like I’m definitely jealous 😅

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve never really thought much about it before, but I think there are pros and cons! For bilingual/multilingual readers, I think it can be a really enriching reading experience because they know what’s being said in both languages. For people who only know one language, however, unless a translation is provided, I feel like it can be really alienating. I think the best use of that for both worlds is using it as a means for miscommunication humor. Other than that, I think it can be a slippery slope that depends on what kind of reader you are and how it’s written.

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The Chronicles of Narnia! My very first fanfiction was a Narnia fanfic that I barely remember except that it laid the basis for Temptation and my Narnia fanfic series as a whole. I never posted this first iteration anyway, but I remember it was 2008/2009 and I wrote a solid 80 pages (which was wild for me at the time) and had gotten halfway through remixing the events of Prince Caspian when my computer crashed and I lost absolutely everything. I’m still heartbroken that it’s gone forever, not because I’d want to go back and read it necessarily (since I’m sure it was actually hot garbage) but at least for nostalgia’s sake. Either way, like I said, this long-lost fic laid the basis for the very first fanfiction I ever posted, the first published (and never finished) iteration of Temptation back in 2011 on deviantART and the since-defunct Figment. I fell out of the fandom around 2012/2013 and left the story alone for a while before ultimately deciding to completely redux and rewrite the story when the fixation swung back around again between 2016 and 2018.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Despite the fact that it’s still in-progress, definitely The Scarecrow and The Bell. This fic just genuinely means so damn much to me and I will cherish it for the rest of my life because of how much it’s given me, how much love and passion and time and even parts of myself that I have poured into this, and also just how expansive of a story this is. Not only does it touch on some very dark and heavy topics, but I’ve also created so much of my own characters and meta for this story that it’s almost an entire universe in and of itself. I’ve just contributed so much additional world-building and created so many new OCs to fill important roles in this story and in Rei’s life, and they’ve all become so deeply important to me as they’ve developed further over the years. I’ve come up with so many interesting ideas for everyone and their lives, which are all slowly becoming so rich and varied. Not to mention that it’s my most popular fic to date as well as my longest fic at 632k and counting. I’ve really just genuinely poured so much of my heart and soul into this story, it’s my absolute favorite thing I’ve ever done and I really mean it when I say that I will cherish it for the rest of my life.

#tag games #ramblings

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ejm513 · 4 years

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FAIRY TAIL NEXT GEN CHILDREN-GRUVIA EDITION

NALU

1-I know there is now a cannon child for edo Nalu and edo Gruvia with names and everything. I also know that Gajeel and Levy have twins and Levy is currently pregnant in 100 Years Quest. I love it and their names and everything about those precious babies-but I’ve had these ideas and characters and backstories growing and developing in my head for years so I’m being the stubborn Taurus that I am and sticking with it.

2-Also please forgive any misspellings and grammar mistakes as I am dyslexic and my school failed us at teaching spelling and grammar. I did my best.

Hello my lovelies!!

So I’ve spent most of the day working on the first two ships and editing everything so I figured why not just post the second one right away.

And the next ship we’re doing on this crazy journey is my personal favorite my OTP to end all OTPS

GRUVIA!!

Ah yes people... I’m in my happy place.

THE FULLBUSTERS:

Nicolai Sliver Fullbuster- Nicknames- Nick, Nicky, Nicky Bear (gotta love little sisters)

Birthday: March 15th, 797 (Bonus points if anyone gets the reference :P)

Magic: Ice Make Magic

Appearance:

-Height: 5’10 (same height as Gray)

-Hair: Dark and thick like Grays, slightly wavy curiosity of his mother.

-Eye color: Dark blue and large like he’s mother’s.

-Built like his father.

-He and Gray are the closest to clones.

IMPORTANT FACTS:

-Gray doesn’t want his boy to deal with the consequences of being a demon slayer… so he doesn’t teach him how to be one. At least not completely. He does pass on some techniques and skills but nothing more.

-For example he teaches him Ice Make Sliver.

-He got the name Nikolai Sliver from both of his grandfathers-I chose a Russian name because I have this idea in my head that in the real world Juvia would be Russian and nothing can convince me otherwise.

-Though he got over it eventually poor thing hated the cold and having to strip in the snow.

-He too got the illness Ultrear had, and while he didn’t get through it as easily as the Dragnell children he got through it in the end.

And before anyone ask yes… he stripes.

Personality:

-Kind

-Loyal (but maybe not to a fault)

-Laid back like his father

-A little moody and temperamental at times

-Can be a bit reserved but more or less wears his heart on his sleeve like Juvia.

-Very imaginative like his mother… which sometimes lead him to being a little ditzy and spacy.

-Very loving

-Very protective of those he loves

-Definitely inherited Juvia’s possessiveness-when his sister was being introduced to the guild for the first time after she was born he grabbed hold of her little blanket, stood in front of her and said

“No! She’s MY baby sister!!”

-Gray QUICKLY helped him get it under control

-A huge romantic like Juvia…like MAJOR romantic. He even enjoys reading her romance novels (but don’t you dare tell anyone)

-He also enjoys drawing, doing anything in the snow and ice

-Very intelligent and did well in school-given his magic he was particularly skilled in art. No one understands how he managed to do so well in school because his note books are covered in doodles

-In general just a much more open and expressive person than his father or sister, much more like his mother.

Relationships:

-Extremely close with both of his parents-the Fullbusters are known for having a very close knit and loving family.

-Like almost every boy in this generation he is a total mama’s boy and you better not call him out on it.

-Also idolizes his father and wants to be just like him

-Absolutely adores his little sister is very gentle and sweet with her. He’s extremely protective of her and one of the only four people he can be a little possessive over (the others being Lila and his parents).However, she can get on his nerves because like most little siblings she follows him everywhere and wants to do everything with him. Plus they can both be temperamental and stubborn. They are also so much alike yet express themselves in such different ways that it causes clashes. As a result, they bicker the most out of any of the siblings in the next gen-but their fights never, EVER turn physical. But the bottom line is they are exceptionally close-so close in fact they are one of the only pairs in the next gen that can successfully pull of a Unison Raid.

-Real he just wants Eliza to stop calling him Nicky Bear… in public at least.

-The first of his two best friends is Simon Scarlet. At first it was a matter of convenience because he was the only boy in the guild close to her age, but it didn’t take too long to become genuine friends. They love to bond over their love of sweets. The other of course is Lila.

And naturally Happy… Happy is everyone’s best friend

-He has loved Lila pretty much his entire life-before he even understood what that feeling was. When he learned what the concept of marriage, he knew right away she was the one he was going to marry. As stated before he constantly referred to her as his wife as children and when they were older (like almost 20 or older than 20) he would say “You know I’m going to marry you one day Dragnell right?”

Elizaveta/ Eliza/ Liza Ur Fullbuster

Birthday: November 23rd, 801

Magic: Water.

Appearance:

Height: 5’2 (a couple of inches shorter than Juvia who is 5’4 according to the Wiki)

Hair: Long, thick and wavy like Juvia’s, dark like Gray’s

Eyes: Juvia’s shape but dark like Gray’s

-She has the same gifted build as Juvia, but somehow a little more fragile looking

-Has her father’s smile

-Yes that beautiful beautiful smile

-Has heard from Gray that despite her strong resemblance to her mother something about her reminds him of his mother

IMPORTANT FACTS:

-Elizaveta or Eliza Ultear got her name from Juvia’s mother and obviously Ultear. Eliza is what she goes by and only those closest with her call her Liza

-Eliza was born five weeks early and this caused… problems. She was extremely sick as a baby. She ended up becoming dyslexic. Finally, it messed with her powers. She has water powers like her mother, but because she was born so early they are technically incomplete because her body isn’t completely made of water like Juvia. This means she’s not impervious to physical attacks, but she makes up for it in other ways.

-Due to being born early and being a little sickly, when she got that infamous illness all the children in the next gem see to get Ultear’s illness (I have no idea what else to call it) she got hit the worse. She actually came close to dying and Gray and Juvia were told to expect the worst.

-Because of this, despite obviously being a skilled and well trained wizard, Eliza is more known for her emotion strength and endurance rather than her physical strength (at least until she was almost an adult)

-Is definitely no ice wizard and can’t stand the cold, but did learn some tricks including how to freeze her rain into snow or freezing rain.

And yes… she is absolutely forbidden to strip under any and all circumstances unless she doesn’t want to see the outside world until she’s 30 or until Gray is dead… which ever comes first

Personality:

-Massive, huge heart of gold

-Very sweet

-Very shy and introverted

-Extremely reserved, keeps everything close to her chest like her father

-Appears laid back but is a ball of emotion and anxiety and occasional bouts of depression

-Comes off as an ethereal, sweet, Mary Jane type of dainty princess when she is anything but

-Actually, has a very snarky, sarcastic sense of humor a la Gray and is just funny like her mother.

-Is never willing to start a fight but if you push her enough she follows the same line of thought as Lila;

-Is very stubborn, moody and temperamental at times

-Very ambitious and always smiling despite everything that’s happened to her.

-Is quiet laid back with her language when she’s older and has been known to swear.

-Is also great at impressions.

-Has Juvia’s quiet astounding imagination and is definitely a dreamer.

-Is a HUGE romantic, openly reading her mother’s romance novels. Otherwise she’s very good at hiding it… mostly.

-Exceptionally smart but struggles with math and is a slow reader because of her dyslexia. She excels in history and music.

-I have a head cannon that Juvia can sing because of all the hydration she gets from having a water body, mermaids/sirens luring sailors with their voices and because apparently Juvia’s voice actress can sing. So Eliza inherited that gift but never sings on stage for the public.

RELATIONSHIPS:

-Because of how sickly she has always been, and because she was the first girl born to the guild a string of boys, and because of how bad she’s treated by kids at school, Eliza is utterly spoiled and a little coddled by all. No on one minds though because she never acts spoiled. She just loves having such a safe and warm space to fall.

-Like her brother is super close to her parents.

-Juvia is her rock and the pair are inseparable.

-She is also daddy’s littler girl though don’t you ever get her to admit it. They love joking around with each other and just talking.

-She adores and idolizes her big brother-her Nicky Bear. She always wanted to follow him around and do what he did-which after a certain point would get on his nerves. She also sometimes get annoyed with how protective he can be. They can both be a little possessive over each other and their parents. As mentioned before they have many of the same personality traits but express them in different ways, so they bicker a lot. But in the end she would be lost without him.

-Like her mother Eliza was unfortunately bullied badly by kids outside the guild and even more unfortunate a few kids in the guild. So her three closest friends are Lila Dragnell, Hazel Redfox and much to her chagrin Iggy Dragnell.

-Iggy is the only person who can flare her temper on the daily and who she has fought with-he never fights with more than words but from time to time she will blast him with water just to get him to leave her alone. He is more or less the annoying younger brother she never asked for but similar to her own brother would be lost without him.

-And before you ask no she has not and will never have a crush or any romantic feelings for Iggy… but Simon Scarlet on the other hand….

-Has a love hate relationship with Happy after he was flying her around ounce and dropped her from pretty high up which gave her a fear of heights.

All right my lovelies!! That is it for this round! I’ll be back soon... hopefully with the next ship!!!

GAJEELX LEVY!!!

#fairy tail #fairy tail next generation #gray fullbuster #Juvia Lockser #Gray X Juvia #gruvia #Headcanon #ocs #super long #this is gonna take forever

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thelifeoftuan · 4 years

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21 Questions

I haven’t done one of these in a long-ass time, figured it’d be fun. The theme for this one is “details.” Not your typical one-word answer or yes/no questions. 1. What is the meaning of your name? (first, middle, and/or last, you pick) My first name is Tuấn, which in Vietnamese means bright. My middle name is Minh, which can also mean bright. Both personify a meaning of a beacon of light, which is something I try to live up to. I actually wrote a post about this a while back, haha! 2. What are 3 words you would use to describe yourself? I would have to say resilient, compassionate, and witty. 3. What is your favorite color? (be as specific as you want, down to the exact shade, even) #083060. It’s the shade of blue in the beginning seconds of dawn right before the sun peeks over the horizon as the pinks and oranges of the sunrise begin to mix within the sky. 4. What is one physical attribute about yourself that you think draws people in? Haha! I mean, I don’t know if there really is one, I can just hear guys say, “but he’s got a great personality” when delving into this topic. Hahaha! But I suppose I can say that I have been complimented on my smile, which honestly, I feel like is more tied to my personality than any physical attribute. 5. If you could pick a 3-course meal from anything, what would those courses be? IYKYK: Spinach dip with chips, Fiesta Lime Chicken, and Maple Butter Blondie. 6. What is your favorite verse/line from your favorite song? Gió chiều cứ hắt hiu nghe buồn thiu Cánh cò trắng ấu thơ bay về đâu Mà chẳng thấy ghé qua ghé qua ruộng đồng Để lúa mỏi vẫy tay trong chờ mong... 7. If your life was a movie, what genre would it be? Definitely a comedy. Mixed in with some peril and drama, but it’d be a movie where people laugh a lot at all the stupid shit I’d do. 8. What is one fact about yourself that most people might not know? I was also a Journalism major in college. 9. Where is a place you feel like you are your most authentic self? Any time I am on one of my adventures. 10. Which decade would you have liked to have been born in? Honestly, the decade within which I was born is where I would like it. Despite everything my generation has experienced, the time of my birth and my progression through life seems to be the right time for me to experience these things. 11. What is your favorite quality about the person closest to you? (could be a friend, family member, spouse, etc.) He is a good listener. 12. If you ever have kids, what type of parent do you think you'd be? Oh hell, I always joke about this, but probably in all seriousness, I definitely would probably be the pushover, easy-going parent. Whoever has the unfortunate fate of being my counterpart will have to pick up the slack. Haha! 13. What seemed normal growing up in your family but now seems not normal? Um, being a Republican. -______- 14. What is the "TL;DR" version of your life? Hapless fool narrowly avoids an ill-fated end once again. 15. If you could live in a fictional world, which one would you pick? I actually think I would fare pretty well in the Toy Story world (as a toy). 16. When was a point in your life where you felt the weakest? The eleven years that spanned from when I was 14 until I was 25, when I had the toughest time dealing with my mental illness. 17. What aspect of life do you feel like you have unrealistic expectations about? Gonna be honest, I have some pretty unrealistic expectations about falling in love. I mean, who doesn’t want an epic beginning of a love story, but y’all, that ain’t a healthy dream, I will tell you that much. Haha! 18. What is one memory you can never forget? I think one that sticks in my mind the most is December 15, 2015. This memory, in particular, without going into that much detail, is one that has that rare mix of joy and sadness that, for me, makes it all the more precious. 19. What is one quote you try to live your life by? “Never stop being a good person because of bad people.” 20. No consequences, if you could change one event in your life, what would it be? I would want my best friend to still be alive today. This one is a little complicated of an answer, to be honest. But if I were to pick one event to change that would not cause any consequences, I would pick this one. Every day, I wish that my best friend was still alive and still with me today, that I could text him or call him and just talk to him, tell him about my day, joke about Spongebob, talk about Paris by Night. I know that this loss of mine, in the grand scheme of things, has made me stronger, has made me more appreciative of life, and has taught me a valuable and hard-learned lesson about love. Obviously, no one should ever have to go through life suffering such a heartbreak like this, but it is a heartbreak that I felt like has somehow colored my life and changed my fate in a way that I never could have imagined. But there are a lot of times in my life where I can’t help but think that my life would have a different color and a different fate if my best friend were still alive today. 21. Lastly, what is your most fervent wish right now? No joke, world peace.

#life of tuan #21 questions #details

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0ceanoflight · 4 years

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My thoughts on Gaya Sa Pelikula now that I've watched all 8 eps.

Cause I need to write down my thoughts and Twitter's character limit just isn't enough so thank you tumblr. This is gonna be a rant

Also, just wanna say this is from the point of view of a gay trans masc enby, aka me.

First impression

Gaya Sa Pelikula is just.... Wow. It's hard to describe. I originally watched it cause some moots on Twitter kept talking about it and they recommended it to me. It doesn't take much for me to watch a gay show, so of course I checked it out. At the time I think maybe 2-3 eps were out.

I knew nothing about the plot. I had no expectations for it. Just hoping it didn't have any problematic stuff in it, hopefully some cute stuff, same as any other gay show. It was just some show to watch to pass the time. I was wrong. It's so much more than just a good show. It's rare for me to get THIS emotionally invested into a show.

From the first ep I thought "Oh, this is pretty realistic lol. I've said stuff like this", referring to Vlad's lines. That continued as I watched the remaining available eps. Later my moots mentioned that it was written by a gay man and I understood right away. GSP is a gay show with the intention of being very realistic. It wasn't just gay for entertainment's sake. It was gay for the sake for real gay people.

Characters

The characters are so well written. They are flawed. They're not perfect. They all have their own struggles that you wouldn't know until you sat down and talked to them. Their lines and personalities are real. They feel real. I've met people like that. I have friends like that. I see myself in them. Also the acting is incredible. Really brought it to the next level.

The Music

A golden sound track. Every song just fit. It felt like the songs were made for that scene. The lyrics, the vibe. There were so many times when I thought that lyrics perfectly fit the scene in a way that would make me connect even more to what was happening. Really couldn't have been better. 10/10.

The visuals and plot devices

The way everything seems to have a purpose. Everything seems to be interconnected. There were so many things that were mentioned earlier in the episode, or I'm previous episodes that you originally didn't fully understand, then they would come back and suddenly *mindblown*.

The lines in the first prom dancing scene in the first ep. The ghost stories (still blows my mind). Vlad not liking his hair being touch which wasn't explained till later. The keychain. The theme song test. The movie they were watching about the imaginary beach (I forgot the name). The reason behind Judit's seemingly fake/weird ally speeches. The reason why Karl always seemed so stiff and awkward. The closet. The orca. The remote. Ect.

All of that came back later in the show and added so much depth. The metaphors used seemed to almost add extra explainations. Like... they didn't just give more layers of complexity, but it gave us a stronger understanding of what was going on. Or at least it made it more emotional. Idk. I was just one of he people who read posts of others dissecting the show cause I'm not as good. Lol.

Also there were beautiful scenes visually. Karl's dance scene. Beautiful. The film scenes outside, looked gorgeous. The use of mirrors and the TV. Great. Awesome

Connections

There were a lot of things I connected to.

Vlad's lines like I mentioned above were among the first. I've personally said or thought very similar things. Or even those exact things. I was actually shocked at first. By how real that felt for me.

Vlad being lonely, but faking it. Aha. I'm an introvert, and people know it. As much as I need space, I get lonely very easily as well. And friends online sometimes aren't enough. It's not the same as having someone there. With covid, and the fact that all of my friends live far away or are normally too busy to meet up, I very rarely am actually with friends. It almost hurts tbh. Especially since I'm a very affectionate person. Also the gay yearning hours are real and powerful.

Karl's dance scene, letting out the inner femininity. So I'm a bit different. I never came out as gay. I'm a gay trans guy. People already knew, or assumed, I liked men. However I did have the struggle of inner femininity. I hated fem things up until I was maybe 15-16, maybe almost 17. I didn't know why I hated it, I just did. Clearly now I know why. However my evolution to being a fem guy from hating fem things happened around the same time as discovering I'm not actually a girl. It was confusing 3 years (yes it took me about 3 years to piece everything together, a bit longer to settle). My point is, once I opened up to fem things, it was beautiful. It really really was. I felt more comfortable. I felt freer. I went from "ew makeup, skirts, leggings, pink. I hate it". To wearing makeup, wearing leggings, liking pink, often painting my nails. I've worn pretty short shorts with a loose t-shirt and a cardigan. Peak fem. Felt great. I want to wear a skirt, but I'm too afraid to do that. I may feel better with being fem, but society is still society and I might get looks cause "wtf, a man wearing a skirt?". Maybe one day. Uhhh anyways. The times I've grown to become more fem felt like how watching Karl dance felt like. Just like that.

Karl's struggle with his sexuality. Ok again I can't relate on the gay part, cause my coming out was coming out at trans. However yea. That was an adventure. I remember being so confused in 8th grade & 9th grade. God that was.... something. At first I thought I just wanted to be more tomboyish, more androgynous. So I found androgynous girls with short hair and said "I want this". Everyone was confused. My friends said "is there a reason you cut your hair so short?". I was afraid of that question. At the time I didn't know why I was so afraid. I don't remember exactly what I said, but tbh I was pretty defensive. Of course I later realized why I felt that way. I remember finally figuring things out after I settled into knowing I was trans, I didn't know how to come out. I couldn't say it directly. In fact, I never did. To my friends I just said "he/him, they/them pronouns" when asked at events, and of course they knew, but didn't ask more. In fact one friend found out cause I wrote "agender" on a form cause he looked over my shoulder. For my family... I just dropped a big hint, and they understood something was up. I wasn't able to explain it well then either. It took another 2-3 months till I couldn't take it anymore and did my best to explain it better so they would take it seriously. I was afraid. I couldn't say it directly. I actually didn't come out to my my high school. I was too afraid. I had friends who were out and I was jealous. I was jealous of their bravery. Same as Karl to Vlad. I was out to friends, but couldn't be open in the real world, much like Karl. I was only out within the space of the GSA, and of the local lgbt center. That was my "apartment". It was only until after i graduated where I promised myself I would live my real self.

The prom dance scene. I missed my high school's prom too. I wasn't brave enough to wear a suit. That would be like coming out and I wasn't ready. So I missed that. I wouldn't have been able to be open of course. I went to the senior dinner. I guess that was the start of me trying to be open. I went in a suit. Tailored men's dress pants too. I went with friends.

Wanting to write my own stories. That's a big one isn't it? I never really do see myself in films or tv. An autistic mentally ill gay trans masc enby? Yea, not a thing. Not a popular role in hollywood, will never be. I'm not a writer, I wanted to be as a kid, I was going to go to uni for writing, but I'm not really good enough for that. I really really do want to see more of myself in media. I wish I could be able to create such things for other people as well. Cause things like Gaya Sa Pelikula are truly magical. It literally made me cry whenever something I related to happened.

#gaya sa pelikula #like in the movies #yea its long #i am emotionally attached to this show

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macattackp · 5 years

Text

Lies Chronically Ill/Injured People Tell Themselves:

1. I Am a Burden Who Only Takes From Others and Can Never Give Back

We all have things that we feel we SHOULD be able to provide. As a guy, it KILLS me that I can’t do things like shovel the driveway, help carry heavy items, or have a job that could make me a breadwinner for someone.

Don’t undersell what you do bring though! For one thing, chronically ill/injured people tend to be masters of empathy, not to mention we get pretty knowledgeable on the medical system. If you aren’t... don’t fret over it! If you can’t do something, then don’t! Focus on what you CAN do instead!

2. I Am Undeserving of Love Because Who Would Take on a Burden Like Me?

This one is another huge struggle for a lot of people. I know as a guy, I feel the added pressure of being worthless if I can’t provide financially for a girl. (No matter how progressive people may be, this progressiveness tends to vanish when their daughters’ well being are concerned), but I know just as many girls who say the same things.

“How can someone love me when I just am stuck in bed all day?” “Why would someone choose me if I could never have kids?” “Who would choose a spouse who may not be able to have sex?”

Look. I’ll be honest, I have no wise advice on this one as to find someone who is willing to support you on your struggles. Nor can I be dense and say “You’re just misreading people!” because let’s admit it... our lives are tough and there are many who would choose not to join us.... what I can say though... is I have had friends who had chronic illnesses. Some could never have sex. Some would require tons of medical expenses. Some were missing limbs or body parts. One was even pretty much guaranteed to die before she turned 30.... And they ended up getting married, and loved, and supported. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but I do know it IS possible! So don’t put yourself down or give up hope!

3. I Have to Work Harder to Keep Up With Everyone or Else I Will be a Failure!

This world has a main road, but that main road has a lot of cracks... and there are probably more people in this world who have fallen through the cracks, than walk on the main road. But we feel like everyone in this world is on the main road because once people fall through the cracks they tend to be overlooked even though there are so many of them.

It is not fair, nor is it doable to be expected to keep up with others when you are carrying a different burden. We have the Paralympics for a reason. Would you ask a man with one leg to race against the Olympic sprinters? Would you ask someone carrying a massive boulder to outrun someone without one?

And in all honesty, it is not always as cut and dry as “Accept you’ll get 4th or 5th place.” Our world tends to try to put us on rails. We make everything systematic and anything that doesn’t fit within our metrics is considered broken. We often judge people more by their process than their results! But the way laid out by others as the “Right way” isn’t always the only or even the best way!

Learn how YOUR body works! I was a horrible student in school until I finally gave up relying on teachers and just studied the way I enjoyed it. I figured at that point “As long as I pass, what else matters.” but had the added surprise when I jumped from a 60′s-70′s student at best to my lowest grade being a 94! It doesn’t always work out this well, but your body is yours. No one else can tell you how it works. Learn from what people have done in the past but look for the way YOU work best! When you look back you realize, none of the biggest world changers really ever lived their lives by the book anyways!

4. I Have To Get Better So I Can Have a Life!

To an extent, this makes sense. Without energy, or finances, and with a schedule stuffed to the gills with doctors appointments meaning you can never go far from home... it is hard to feel like there is really much you can do... but... at the same time....

YOU ARE ALIVE NOW!

You may not have the finances to do what you want. You may not have the social life that you enjoy. You may not have an overabundance of time or energy... But you are alive RIGHT now! You are allowed to live!

Write that book you always wanted! Learn a new language! Cook yourself a big meal! You may tell yourself “BUT I HAVE SO MUCH OTHER STUFF I SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON INSTEAD!”

Look! That stuff will be there whether you focus on it 24/7 or 12/5! Don’t let it get out of hand, but if you aren’t going to be able to solve it by worrying about it more then don’t! Spend your time doing things that will revitalize you, help you grow, and give you some interesting stories to tell once this is all over!

5. I Am Not Allowed to Be Happy or Have Fun Until I Am Better!

This one is a tough one as it ties into our impostor syndrome. That horrible feeling that we get every time we start to enjoy ourselves or smile in public of “Oh no! What if people assume I’ve been faking this whole time?!?!?!”

You are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to smile. You are allowed to have good things happen to you. Yeesh, there is no time in life that it is more important to have happy moments than through hardships!

Being happy or enjoying yourself from time to time through hardships isn’t a sign that your hardships were never that hard. It is a sign that you are fighting forward. That you aren’t letting this take over your life. And plus, as human beings we NEED hope and happiness... we die both mentally and physically without it

6. There is No Future After This

This is one that I personally struggle with... if we count the 6 years of trauma as a kid that originally gave me PTSD, and these last 7+ years of pushing as hard as I can only to fail harder and harder (including these last 2.5 years that have been giving me a whole new layer of trauma on top of my previous trauma) I’m reaching the point where more than half my life has been going through miserable, destructive times where I lose most things that matter to me and find myself alone at the start again in a dark place. It is hard... honestly... Anyone who follows my account and sees my tagless venting posts know that there are more than enough times I question why I even try anymore when I don’t even know what’s left of me...

But there was a movie I watched a while ago... another cheesy hallmark movie, but it was a good one as far as hallmark movies go. I remember they had this one line in it that really stuck with me.

“I’ve lost everything 3-4 times now! It’s the perfect place to start!”

Now I’m not as optimistic as that ambitious old man from the movie was... but I do know this.... You never know what life can hold. The same way you can lose everything that matters to you in a year, I’ve seen people gain more than they ever thought possible in a week. Not to say we are all about to win the lottery or by some miracle wake up completely healed of all afflictions... but I do believe that if it was possible to have things go this bad, it is also possible for things to go much better.

And let’s admit it. You might be thinking “Oh! But I’m not strong enough to make it happen!” and you’d be right... you aren’t. But honestly who is? We live in a world where tons of people succeed or fail... and very few I can say “earned it.”

Life IS unfair, but if it wasn’t, we’d all be dead! What we really get upset about is that it seems to be more unfair in some peoples’ favour than our own. But life is tough. The fact that any of us live is a miracle in itself. Don’t limit what the future holds for you based on what you feel you’re able to do. You aren’t a static person, and this world doesn’t rise or fall on your shoulders either! (even though it feels like that most mornings). Give it your best with what you’ve got every day, and realize even if each day feels like a year, this is still only a season of life. Personally I want to fight and survive long enough to see a day where this all seems like it was worth it!

7. I Will Never Be Self Sufficient!

The lie in this one isn’t that you will be self sufficient! The lie is that people assume ANYONE is self sufficient!

Look. Do you see people growing their own food? Even if they do, do they grow their own fertilizer? Even if they do, did they build their house from scratch, their car, their fridge, do all their electrical work, never once look up anything on the internet?!?!?! No!

We are NOT a self sufficient species. From the minute we are born we NEED people just to stay alive let alone to succeed! So you have to rely on people in a way you don’t see others needing to rely on people! Does an electrician complain that he needs to call someone to fix the backed up pipes when the plumber doesn’t??? No! That would be stupid! And to try and fix it on his own would be stupider!

You are ALLOWED to rely on others. You are ALLOWED to ask for help. This doesn’t make you any less of a person! This makes you human!

8. I’m Not Worth It . . .

This is something I struggled with even before I realized just how much was stacked against me from the start... I remember one time, someone very precious to me sat down in front of me and for 15 minutes she said nothing else but “YOU ARE WORTHY!” She repeated it over and over again in different ways, not letting me talk and refusing to say anything else until I finally just accepted that I maybe was. Times change, and she may not be around to say that anymore, but those words still stick with me, and that moment still pops in my head every time I am feeling really down on myself like a planted warrior to fight against my internal self doubt...

There are many things in our lives that make us feel worthless.... “I messed up and hurt them.” “I have a lot of health concerns.” “I am not attractive.” “I have a perverted mind.” “I don’t fit with what society says I should be.” “My parents/people who I care about said I wasn’t good enough.” The list goes on... but YOU ARE WORTHY!

“But I don’t deserve to be happy!” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve anyone to put up with me.” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a happy life” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a second chance.” YOU DO!

Whatever you’re worried about

Whatever is bugging you

Whatever lies are bouncing around in your head right now saying you should just disappear and stop being a bother to others

YOU

ARE

WORTHY!

Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise, LEAST of all yourself!

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what you’ve done or haven’t done.... but I can tell you this right now. You are a one of a kind beautiful life. You are allowed to exist in this world, you are allowed to flourish, you are allowed to enjoy your time with it and interact with others. What’s more, you aren’t just put up with, you are NEEDED! Because there is only one of you out there, and this world needs you. Treat yourself well, and let yourself know just how valuable you are. You are you, and that is beautiful!

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ziracona · 4 years

Note

And I hate to do this- So on that thread, not that he's as bad, why do you think Michael is redeemable? (and also Frank) Especially by his main victim? :? I hope that isn't as bad or as judgmental as I think it sounds... - Sleepy (its like 5am here :3 living up to my name i see)

So, these I gave a short and a long answer for under cut, but forgot I’m on mobile and can’t do that. I can tag it “long post” but uhhh, sorry about this. Anyway, thats why Frank comes in two chunks. I wrote it expecting to be able to use a read more. :’-] also ya fine. And I hope you’re in bed 🤣 now. Okay so. Here’s my reasons:

For Michael, to start, Halloween is complicated af. You have to know what timeline people are talking about, because there are like 8+ and Michael has been written as a wildly different character by wildly different content creators, and I would not feel the same ways towards them all. They’re not the same character. When I talk about Michael, unless I’m going on about a specific other film, I mean either H20 canon, or DbD canon, which are in line with each other when it comes to characterization. (This also includes Halloween’s 1 & 2 in the H20 line, and Halloween 1 at least in DbD). In those timelines, Michael has like at best 2% agency and choice in his own life and what he becomes. That’s why I am sympathetic. I still root for Laurie to nail his ass to the wall of course, and everything he has done to hurt someone isn’t okay just because his life is unfair & awful & out of his control, but I still find him a very tragic character. He was canonically suffering violent psychosis his parents refused him treatment for, isolated with a monster as his doctor & only human contact for 15 years from age 6 on, overdosed on medications that when OD’d worsen psychosis symptoms and can cause permanent brain damage, and stuck like that until escaping briefly when he turned 21.

In Halloween canon, Michael tells his parents he hears voices telling him to do bad things like hurt people, but they tell him he is imagining stuff, and ignore his attempts to get help. The voices say they will be quiet, which is what he desperately wants, if he kills his sister Judith. So he does, at age six. Scientifically speaking, that’s literally too young to really have a complete grasp on death and mortality itself, let alone complex ethics. He immediately goes to his parents after doing the deed, so they can do whatever they need to do. Instead of getting him help, he is sentenced to 15 years in a 1960s American sanitorium (hell), until he turns 21 and can be tried for murder as an adult (fucking ridiculous and unfair?? Tried as an adult is for like, upper teens who commit heinous murders. How tf you justify trying a six year old literally too young to really understand murder as an adult for murdering someone??). They give him to Dr. Sam Loomis, a fucking horrible person, who says he spends 8 years trying to help Michael (a fkn lie), but canonically by only a few months of meeting the kid is thoroughly convinced he is evil, the devil or a demon in human form, faking his psychosis and side effect symptoms (trauma induced mutism from killing his sister, onset of catatonia/motion loss symptoms, etc, all of which are common with his disorder & trauma), desperate to kill again, and an evil mastermind doing the devil’s work, and says so. Spends four hours every day accusing Michael as a six year old child on, of planning to do horrible things and faking his illness and being a demon and not a human, and Loomis, from age 6 to 21, is this kid’s only human contact. And the staff knew it and how wrong and disturbed Loomis was, but did nothing. So from age 6 to 21—barring one or two visits from his mom & Laurie before his dad beat 4 year old Laurie for saying Michael’s, who he hated after Judith’s death, name—until she trauma blocked out having had a brother or sister at all, and then both parents died in a car crash—his only human contact in complete isolation was an adult man who told him for four hours a day he was an evil lying demon faking his symptoms and plotting murder and not a human and promised he would kill Michael and stop him, from childhood on, and that was it. He was never given an understanding of what was medically wrong with him, or that anything was at all. He was threatened and abused and kept overdosed on drugs for 15 years since early childhood, and his only understanding of the world taught in that absolute isolation, was that he was a demon who wanted to get out and kill again. And the violent psychosis, telling him if he killed both sisters, they would go away and leave him in peace with no more constant noise. With no normal understanding of the world or people or life like he was owed ever given to him, no understanding at all of what you were going through or were aside from the promise drilled into your head you were a monster who wanted to kill every day for 15 years while drugged up? Like, I’m a firm believe people are responsible for their own actions, but in a case as extreme as that, honestly, how else was that ever going to even be able to end? You forget, as a child. Who you used to be. That’s beyond grooming even, it’s being grown in a lab for the sole purpose of someday walking out, taking a large kitchen knife, and killing Laurie Strode. And it’s tragic. It’s unfair. Halloween is a tragedy, not a horror film. It didn’t have to be that way. He wanted help. He asked for help. Loomis is directly and pretty much solely responsible for the lives lost in 1978. You know he won’t even call Michael “him”? The only human he contact he had since age six on called him “it.” And no one stopped any of that. And even then. Even then, even with all that. With the drugs, and the lab grown killer, and all of it? Michael is pretty much the single least sadistic slasher killer there /is/.

Everyone he kills in Halloween? He kills fast. It’s actually kind of boring if you’re expecting a scary slasher, because there’s no chase until Laurie. He just appears, runs you through, and you die. Very fast. And if there is any emotion expressed towards the act of killing or aftermath, it’s not pleasure or hate or happiness, it’s curiosity, because literally everything is something he wasn’t allowed to experience growing up and just has no practical experience with yet. And on top of all that, he also just doesn’t kill people he doesn’t have to. He kills one man for clothes, kills Annie to re-do Judith’s murder since it didn’t work the first time and he needs both sisters for the voices to stop, and he kills Bob and Lynda becuase they stumble onto where he is & are a threat to success. (This + Judith 15 years prior is all the deaths in Halloween period, btw). Michael routinely only kills his target, and anyone who is a threat to success. Literally doesn’t even jump out to kill Bob or attack until Bob opens the door to the closet he was hiding in, and he has been seen. Walks past a security guard and lets him go in H20 becuase he doesn’t see him, steals keys from a mom with her 4 year old kid and doesn’t even hurt them because they don’t see him really either, steals a knife from an old lady making a sandwich who is one foot away but looking the other direction, so he lets her go. Even with all the possible stakes against him, really, Michael is like, the least cruel and most sympathetic and merciful version of that lab grown killer possible, which can only be a testament to the person he was initially/still somehow has managed to keep faint traces of alive inside.

As for Laurie finding him redeemable, answer is threefold I guess, and I’ll start with the most important. 1: in Halloween canon, Laurie cares for Michael and is incredibly sad about what he turned into and wishes he could be different (once she remembers who he is). That’s established canon, not a choice of mine. In Halloween 2, she tries to talk him down before shooting him, and he hesitates when she says his name and lowers his weapon for a moment. In H20, she talks about him a lot & even asks her boyfriend (a psychologist) if he thinks something so traumatic can happen to someone that they can never recover, bc even though she hasn’t seen him in 20 years, he’s still on her heart. She hesitates to kill him once she has him helpless in the finale, and when he reaches out for her hand, she almost cries and starts to reach back because it’s what she has truly wanted for so long. 2: Michael & Laurie are siblings, and that’s a very important relationship to me. Obviously, there’s lines where you cross, it’s fkn over, but it is special, and I’m weak for it. They were both cheated of the good family life they could have had, and I like characters I care for getting recovery and rehabilitation, and I would like them to be able to recover and have whatever fragments of the lives they wanted which are still possible. And then 3: Laurie is his victim, but they’re also both victims of Loomis, and the system, and her parents, and if she does /wish/ for him to be okay and things to be like they were, which was canon before me, so she does, then I think them finding happiness and her relief and new hope in regained family and him redemption and rehabilitation through the quite literally only person he has /ever/ known who treated him well or like even a human at all & is still living, that’s so good. It’s sweet, and it makes sense. I like broken people putting the pieces together and finding ways to be okay. None of the shit that happened to either of them was okay, and Michael sure did fucking do it, but it’s about as “it’s complicated” as literally possible, and Laurie wants him to be her brother again, and Michael deserves a chance to experience personhood enough to want anything like that again too, and I think it’s sweet. To be able to find happiness and peace and a new life in that rubble. It shouldn’t be possible, because Halloween is a tragedy that never gets a happy ending, no matter how many timelines they create or versions they tell, but I wish it could have one. It needs one. At least one, among all the fated tragedies for those two cruelly cursed siblings. They both had their lives stolen. Michael by Loomis, and Laurie by Michael. And I want them to find those stolen lives again. And if they can do it together, that’s a very odd and unusual set of circumstances for that kind of thing, but it’s a very complete way to tell the story. He tried to kill her, but if she asked him to stop and he stopped, if he himself chose to change on his own, when it really, really mattered—decided that it was what he wanted more than all the things he was before, and she decided that was enough, and they could both have a future as family? I like that. It’s a happy ending stolen back.

Long Frank Answer, in case you /have/ read ILM & thus short answer did not answer your question: So. Again, for me, I always talk about Frank as in the version of him I myself write, and I wrote ILM before the archives retcon, and also just ignore them because they’re usually dumb and blatantly contradict well established and longstanding canon. Even then, I usually don’t like Frank though—didn’t like him when I started writing ILM. But Frank has very little established canon character. All there is for sure is he was a foster kid that went through some bad stuff, he met Julie and changed his mind about desperately trying to be homed somewhere other than with Clive bc he liked Julie a lot, he met Susie and Joey, they became a gang chilling in Ormond’s abandoned lodge, then tried to rob a store Joey was fired from, were surprised by a cleaner who grabbed Julie, and Frank impulse stabbed him, freaked, and ordered the others to finish it with him and be in it together. Then before they’d even really finished burying the body, they got snagged. That leaves a whole lot of personality and thoughts and motivations and future choices and person wildly undetermined. Writing, sometimes characters just do their own thing completely out of my control, and I have to adapt. Frank chose not to kill Meg at the end of Tenacity, Adrenaline, & Grit, which surprised me, because he’d been nothing but a dipshit asshole bastard till one minute ago, but I knew it was because he recognized what she’d tried to do at great pain to herself because she wouldn’t bow down and die, and he connected/empathized or sympathized on some level. He also couldn’t go through with killing Quentin immediately after being helped by him in Distortion/Iron Maiden. Neither was like, planned. It’s just who the character was. I was frustrated. I did not want to like or feel sympathy for Frank at all. Then in The Lost, Jeff just fkn hijacked the whole plot and added 20 pages not in the outline because he wanted to be kind to Frank & it’s not like I can stop characters when they do whatever they do. And while writing it, I got to know that the version of Frank Morrison in the world I was writing—which is always the version I refer to/think of him as & write now myself—was not somebody past saving. He’s a piece of shit and he’s done fucked up and inexcusable stuff, and he pays for it. In many ways, Frank gets away with a lot over the course of ILM, but it’s always because characters choose on their own to forgive him, not because they or he doesn’t think it was fucked. And Frank suffers—a lot—for his choices, and has to live through appropriate and large amounts of regret and remorse about stuff he did before the end. He gets the chance to make better choices several times, and mostly he doesn’t. He continues to fuck up. But right near the end, he makes a couple good decisions when it’s down to the wire, sees where his bad choices got him and what he has to live with, and then he does live with it. He almost dies, and then ends up falling on Jeff’s mercy, which he knows he doesn’t deserve and doesn’t expect to get, for a last chance to make it, and because Jeff is an ungodly kind and forgiving soul, he makes it.

Frank isn’t a good person, and he does a lot of stuff that isn’t remotely okay or justified or excused, but he /is/ a kid—the upper end of it, but he’s not a full grown adult. He has every reason to believe nothing of himself or others, a fucked up childhood and life which isn’t his fault, and the Entity got all four Legion kids before they’d even had time to process the one and only violent crime they did (which was unplanned), and it is historically running a PHD in psychological warfare vs everyone. Absolutely none of that excuses or justifies him, but it is an explanation for some of it that is not as bad as say, doing that shit for fun or cruelty or hate or what have you, which makes him a bad person, but one with a lot more humanity left than say, Kenneth. Who is at -100 or something. If he’s still got a lot of humanity left, that means he could be redeemed, and he eventually chooses that path for himself and hits the appropriate “I did something horrible. Fuck. It was really bad. I should not have done it.” “I am really sorry I did this. I feel awful. I’m sorry.” “I cant change it, but I can try to do better and make whatever reparations I can.” “I want to be better, and I am going to try.” necessary stages of actually trying to improve. So, I like him. He did a lot of really awful shit that wasn’t okay, but he was never without sympathetic elements. He does love his friends and his girlfriend, he is a good boyfriend to Julie and selfless towards her and his crew (overall anyway—has even risked death for them very willingly, even the one who was fighting with/kinda hated him), will keep his word in deals and has some semblance of both sympathy and honor, feels guilt, is a kid, did not choose this life but was rather catapulted into it and too weak to climb out once he landed in the mud. All of that together makes him someone I feel sympathy towards and find quite redeemable, so long as he will decide he wants that, which, in ILM, he does. If you just meant Frank in general then idk how to answer because there’s not much established Frank period it’s kinda a shell like all original dead by daylight characters, and I have no thoughts on it by itself because it’s not a whole person, and so I really only think of Frank as ILM verse Frank now.

#ask #sleepy #hope this is coherant. I love answering but I’m also on vacation trip rn so I’m not proofreading & u get what u get 🤣 adds flavor #in living memory (fic)#in living memory #spoilers #ILM spoilers #Halloween #dead by daylight #long post #Michel is not the villain of Halloween: he and Laurie are both the victims & it’s a fkn Greek tragedy #they both deserved so much more than the lives they were thrown into #: (#sad now just thinkin bout it

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robinsnest2111 · 4 years

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indirectly tagged by @lampmeeting

it's not part of the original thing but I'm gonna add a silly little self portrait as well~

Questions to get to know you a little better:

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise? Robin or any kind of nickname related to that you can come up with lol Some of my favourites are Rob and Robble

2. When is your birthday? November 21st

3. Where do you live? A little town in Niedersachsen (Lower Saxony), Germany. Known for being the summer residence of a royal bloodline some 200 years ago. Yes there's a castle :P

4. Three things I am doing right now? Trying to forget the nightmare I just woke up from, thinking about getting a few more clementines from the kitchen and fininishing a little sketch I started yesterday

5. Four fandoms that have piqued my interest: Metalocalypse (ofc), Hogan's Heroes, Ghost BC, What We Do In The Shadows. Those are the main 4 at the moment but there's always a chance for other fandoms to take over for a bit.

6. How has the pandemic been treating you? ....yeah. Not so great. My grandma died suddenly at the start of the pandemic, I had to leave my internship I was super happy at early because of lockdown, finished my last semester at college with horrible online classes, had to move back in with my parents, cut contact with someone I've known almost all my life, barely passed my finals, still on the hunt for a job (started applying to places in September) and am close to losing it any day now lol Also pandemic means no flea markets which was one of the few things keeping my brain happy and occupied while giving me a chance to ride my bike around the region for hours :^(((((

7. Song(s) I can’t stop listening to: Sadly no particular song coming to mind right now, but I've had Ghost's entire discography and Dethalbum I, II, and III on rotation for months now lol. This Toss A Coin To Your Witcher Remix has also been stuck in my head for a while and is always worth a listen (Also have some silly techno/hardstyle remixes stuck in my brain permanently because I listened to them as background noise while trying to make my final college projects somewhat decent. Terence Hill & Bud Spencer - Lalalalalala, Da Tweekaz - Jägermeister, Star Wars Hardstyle, DJ Ötzi - Anton aus Tirol, Das Leben des Brian - Schwanzus Longus)

8. Recommend a movie: The Road to El Dorado by Dreamworks, a children's movie, I know... Each song is an absolute banger tho (even the German versions!), the jokes are silly but fun, the queer/gay hints add that little spice that I subconsciously picked up on and felt comforted by as a kid and the design of the everything is just (chef's kiss) Also the chemistry between the 4 main characters is gud as heck. It's the childhood movie I latched on to the most, my mother had to rent the dvd almost every single day until I bought a copy myself lol

9. How old are you? 24 orz I don't feel like it at all...

10. School, university, occupation? Finished college in August, unemployed because no one wants to hire in the creative field during a worldwide plague :^)

11. Do you prefer heat or cold? As long as it's under 35°C I prefer heat. My hands and feet are icicles 95% of the time after losing weight :^(

12. Name one fact others may not know about you? Since I'm an expert oversharer you probably know almost everything about me already orz But uhhh. Lemme see... I learned how to operate a laundry machine at the ripe old age of 20 at my internship at a hair salon lmao My mother never had the nerve to show me how on the modern machine we have at home (along the lines of "you will fuck it up anyways so let me do it >:^(((" which is an overarching theme in her raising me lol), but the older machine with the simpler dials at the salon was a good start to learn and honestly one of the things at this internship I'm still super grateful for...

13. Are you shy? Oh hell yeah I am... It's all the years of getting only negative feedback for trying to interact with others lol

14. Preferred pronouns: He/Him mostly, still figuring out if I still like they/them or nah (since in German there are no neutral pronouns that aren't neopronouns I've automatically gotten more attached to he/him lol)

15. Biggest pet peeves: I feel so mean for admitting it but honestly: Any noises my parents make. If I'm having a particularly bad low brain energy day even hearing them breathe makes me wanna run away and scream in anger... (Doesn't irk me with anyone else tho, which is weird...)

16. What is your favorite "dere" type? Oh there's more than 4 types now?? I've always liked Kuudere types the most out of the original 4 types, but I guess Shundere and Utsudere are right up my alley too!!!

The Kuudere (クーデレ), sometimes written Coodere or Kūdere, type refers to a character who is often cold, blunt, and cynical. They may seem very emotionless on the outside, but on the inside they’re very caring — at least when it comes to the ones they love.

The Shundere (しゅんデレ) type refers to characters who are sad and very depressed. While a full smile on their face might be out of the question, their love interest can help them open up and feel accepted.

The Utsudere (うつデレ) type refers to a character who is often sad and depressed. There is a reason for the character’s despair such as being bullied at school. Even if their life improves, they are often wary of other characters’ motives.

17. Rate your life 1-10? Maybe a 4? 4.5 at max

18. What is your main blog? The one I'm posting this on lol

19. List all your side blogs and what they’re for:

yorkiesart - old as hell and inactive artblog

bleedingheartbird - very triggering and depressing vent blog :^(

yorkie2111 - my very first username, a sea and ocean themed aesthetic blog now mostly for when I miss Denmark a whole lot (kinda inactive)

robinsartnest - a second attempt at a separate art blog, inactive as well lol

20. Is there anything people should know before becoming friends with you? I'm a clusterfuck of several undiagnosed mental illnesses and probably other conditions that I'm trying to figure out and deal with on my own until I can get professional help and some diagnoses. At times I'm weird and distant and overall very depressed and unpleasant, I've already hurt so many people this way and am trying to be better every single day. Basically I've never been given the "How to properly Human" manual and am frantically trying to get it right without hurting too many innocent people in the process.

Anyway, if you are nice to me I will love you forever ♡♡♡ :'3c

idk who to tag so if you wanna do this, do it~

#oh wow that's a long one haha #gosh these tag things really encourage my oversharing nature oops #anyway if any of you want to do this too feel tagged :D #get to know me better

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lemonadebloodsworld · 4 years

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Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

#ed vent #vent text #tw depressing stuff #tw eating stuff #trauma #ventcore #traumacore #long ass rant #tw self destruction #self harrrm #tw self destructive behavior

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horansqueen · 5 years

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AM Conversations : chapter 39

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.6k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: an other tiny smut scene. and a long discussion. they will do more things when he comes back from his trip i promise! but there will still be a few more smut scenes in the future chapters. so yea i promise more action and less discussions in the next few chapters lol and since it took me so long to post this ill try to post an other chapter before friday :)

here are the ‘requests’ i added in this chapter!

Chapter 39 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I stayed motionless, watching him fill his bag with barely anything, leaning against the door frame. I looked at him as he checked his list, crossing out everything as he added it to his stuff. He was concentrated and I didn't want to bother him, but my whole body was throbbing with stress, fear and sadness. I couldn't tell him that though, because I didn't want him to feel guilty about leaving. He deserved that break and he needed that trip. I would never be the one to stop him from doing anything. I said I was fine with it, and I still meant it, which didn't mean I was not sad to see him leave.

"I'm gonna miss you." I admitted in a low tone, leaning my head against the door frame too and making him turn around.

He took a few steps closer but I didn't move, I just watched him, trying to engrave this image in my head as if I was never going to see him again, as if he was leaving forever. I could swear I read sadness on his face until he sent me a small smile.

"I'm gonna miss you too." he admitted in a soft voice. "But it's only six weeks, right? That's what you said."

I smiled more, trying to reassure him, and licked my lips, pushing myself away from the door and tilting my chin up to look in his eyes. I knew six weeks would go by fast and that it was my own insecurity that made me doubt, but I couldn't stop thinking that so many things could happen in six weeks.

"I know, but i'll miss you anyway."

He bent down to press his lips against mine as his hands reached for my arms. He ran his fingers gently on the, making goosebumps appear on my skin, and I smiled against his mouth. I didn't want to worry about anything. I just wanted to trust him. I wanted to trust that his feelings wouldn't change and that he'd be faithful to me. I had to trust him.

"Oh, by the way, look what I found last time I went home."

I took a few steps back and searched through my backpack, handing him a book with a bigger smile. He took it, staring at it with a frown, and finally sat in bed and opened it. I sat next to him as his eyes roamed on the pictures inside. I followed his hand as he brought it on a picture, his fingertips brushing on my baby face and his own, printed on the glossy paper.

"You really were the cutest kid in the world." I just let out with a chuckle.

He glanced at me but quickly looked back at the pictures, tapping on my face with his finger.

"Me? Look at you, darling!"

I was about 10 on the picture and he was a few years younger but to me, it was already obvious how close we were, even back then. He flipped a few pages and I chuckled when I saw both of us dressed up for Halloween, and then sitting next to a Christmas tree.

"Oh my god, first day of first year!" he exclaimed.

His eyebrows raised and his lips curled and it took me everything to stop looking at him to look away. I felt my heart skip a beat when I noticed how I was looking at him on the picture. He was maybe twelve, and I was about fourteen, but I remember being incredibly happy and excited when he finally joined me in school. Back then, I was extremely bad at hiding my feelings and it was a miracle he never noticed it.

"Even back then I was so in love with you."

He kept silent for a while as we both stared at the picture and I finally turned the page to point at an other picture.

"Last day of third year for you." I pointed out to his smiling face.

He had his arm around me and I squinted my eyes because of the sun but my head was leaned against his shoulder and I remembered everything : how the sunrays felt on my skin and how warm his arm felt on my nape. The memory was so vivid that I could swear I was back in that moment.

"You never noticed the way I looked at you."

His fingers grabbed mine and I held my breath until he turned his head my way and shrugged a shoulder.

"Liv, you always looked at me like that. For me, it was just... how things were. It was just you being you. I knew you loved me as a friend, and I never thought..."

He sighed and looked down at our hands as he rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand. He brought his other hand to mine, leaving the photo album on his thighs, and I swallowed hard. I was just being emotional because he was leaving but I couldn't help it.

"If I have to, I will apologize every single day for the rest of my life." he added, making me chuckle and shake my head.

"No, it's alright." I just replied. "I'm not sure twelve-year-old you would have been able to handle hanging out with a girl who was in love with you anyway."

This time, it made him laugh.

"True."

He finally let go of my hand and took his phone on the bedside table, holding it up to take a selfie. I rolled my eyes but moved closer as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder just like in the old picture. He quickly snapped it and I watched him as he made it his phone background.

"On this picture, I know exactly how you feel." he finally says in a very low tone, raising his eyebrows. "And I feel exactly the same."

I brought my hand to his face as my heart twisted in my chest and I closed my eyes only when I felt his lips against mine. I was going to miss that so fucking much. He pulled away and kept looking through the pictures until he stopped suddenly. I noticed a picture from my 18th birthday where I was holding Rian's hand and I expected a cheeky comment from Niall but instead, he kept silent for a while and it made me frown.

"What's wrong?"

"This picture brings back memories, that's all."

I felt my heart jump in my chest when I noticed he was with Holly and I tried to push the dash of jealousy that suddenly invaded me.

"This one? Out of all of them?"

"Every single time Rian kissed you annoyed me. Watching you holding his hand bothered me so much I..."

He looked up in my eyes and my lips parted at his confession. I would have never thought he would admit something like that. I never thought Niall had been jealous because of me and I would have laughed if someone had told me that but he looked sincere and I knew he wouldn't say that just to make me happy.

"I just never really understood why." he added. "I thought it was just because I knew you'd be busy with him and that you'd neglect me."

"Maybe that was why. Maybe it had nothing to do with romantic love."

His eyes roamed on my face and he licked his lips before sighing.

"Maybe."

I grabbed the album from his hands and found a picture of us right before he left for the X-Factor. I took it off the album and handed it to him with a smile. I didn't want to keep whining on the fact that I loved him since forever and that his feelings for me were way more recent. It shouldn't matter and I didn't want to let it ruin the love we had for each other now.

"Do you think you've got some place left for this picture of us in your bag?"

He chuckled, the left corner of his lips curling up, and took the picture in his hand to look at it better.

"Don't forget where you belong." I let out, half-joking, and tilting my head slightly.

He stared at me again and his free hand slipped in my hair, on the back of my head before he pulled me closer to him slowly. He kissed me deeply and my eyes fluttered close. He tasted amazing and it took everything in me not to whimper in his mouth.

"I belong with you Olivia." he breathed, allowing his lips to leave mine for half a second. "And I'll never forget it."

I felt my whole body vibrate somehow due to the words he whispered and I gripped the sheets of the bed, focusing on the way his lips pressed and moved against mine. I knew I didn't have to say that i belonged to him, too. I knew he knew it, and I knew it was obvious. I don't know how long we kissed but when he pulled away, I groaned low and my eyes fluttered open. I felt his hand slip away from my neck and tilted my head to look at him, my heart feeling suddenly lighter even if I knew he was leaving.

"Can I ask you something?" I let out, pressing my lips together.

"Anything."

I moved a bit on the bed to face him, one of my legs bent and the other still hanging off the bed. I loved the way he was looking at me, like stuck in some sort of bliss that I completely understood. In fact, I probably looked even worse.

"Did you ever... masturbate thinking about me? Besides that time after tour."

His eyebrows raised up and his upper body moved back in surprise very slightly, making me blush a bit. I didn't know why I felt the need to ask but I knew it was something I wanted to know. Niall cleared his throat and looked down before looking back in my eyes.

"I spent a lot of time thinking after you admitted your feelings to me and a bunch of things came back to my mind. I remember liking you, I remember lusting you sometimes, but I never really wanted to admit it to myself. It was little things like cuddling together in bed, or on the couch.. or when your hand would brush my thighs... But I was young and I just thought it was hormones, I don't know." he explained as I held my breath. "I remember getting hard sometimes, like when you'd fall asleep on my lap or when you pressed your ass against me while asleep... there's only one time I really touched myself thinking about you, besides that time after tour. It was a few years ago and we were friendly fighting the way we always do but I decided to let you win just to see what you'd do, and you ended up straddling me.. It's just the way you moved over me, fuck."

I laughed a bit, staring at him as he closed his eyes tight. I remembered that day, surprisingly, but straddling Niall was also something I couldn't forget.

"I couldn't stop thinking about it and when you left I just..." he shrugged, raising his eyebrows again. "I just jerked off."

We remained silent for a while as he was looking at me with an amused smile.

"You got hard that time we danced in your living room."

This time, he's the one who laughed before nodding.

"Fuck yea I did." he admitted without shame. "I knew you had noticed, but thanks for not mentioning it back then."

I moved closer to him and brushed my lips against his with a small smile.

"You're welcome." I whispered, turning his smile into a fond one. "So it seems like we have similar tastes in bed."

His eyes roamed on my face and he sent me a cheeky smile. running one of his hands on my arm and leaving a burning trace on my skin. I knew it was because our relationship was still recent, but I always wanting him to touch me and fuck me to the point where I could barely control myself.

"Seems like we do." he agreed in a whisper. "I'd love to hear it though, you said you'd tell me."

I pressed my lips together and moved back a bit to look at him better.

"Like I said, I like to please." I let out, gripping the sheets of the bed harder. "I love when you bite me. I love when you're rough, when you spank me, when you slap me. I love when you choke me, too." I could feel my heart beat hard against my rib cage but I didn't know if it was because of what I was admitting or because of the way he was looking at me. "I love name calling, too."

"Give me examples."

I held my breath for a few seconds and swallowed hard.

"I like 'slut' and 'whore' as much as I like 'princess' and 'little one'."

He nodded slowly and I felt his hand slide on one of my thighs but I kept staring in his eyes. Every single touch always made my whole body throb and I ended up hoping this feeling would never leave.

"I'll remember that."

His other hand reached for my face but he pushed a lock of my hair behind my shoulder very slowly as I licked my lips.

"I love being rough with you. And I love that you're a pleaser." he continued, his eyes dropping to my lips. "But I love watching you shake and moan... I love making you cum. Giving me control also means letting me please you. You think you can do that?"

Slowly, I nodded as he looked back up in my eyes, and I felt my heart jump in my chest at the way he was looking at me. His fingers brushed on my shoulder and down my chest, between my breasts.

"Let's try it now, then." he whispered, moving his chin quickly in my direction.

I held my breath but sat better in bed, leaning against the pillows. I expected him to crawl on top of me and kiss me but he just reached for the button of my jeans and undid them before pulling them down as I moved my butt up to help him. I felt nervous but tried to remember that he saw me naked plenty of times and he was not going to decide to drop me because of what I looked like naked now. He moved my shirt slightly up and ran two of his fingers between my legs, over my panties.

"How about we make you wet these panties first?"

Once again, my heart jumped in my chest and I watched him bend down and open one of his drawers to get something but it's only when I noticed the vibrator in his hand that my lips parted. It wasn't one of mine and I realized that he had bought it just for me. He didn't ay anything and I didn't dare ask all the questions burning my lips. Instead, I held my breath until he pressed it between my legs, sliding it slowly. I felt my lips part as he pushed it harder and let out a very low whimper when it brushed on my clit. After only a few seconds, he turned it on and my eyes fluttered close as I let out a curse word.

"Really? That easy?" he chuckled and I felt his free hand brush gently on my thighs. It stopped at my knee and he pulled on it a bit to spread my legs slightly more. "So glad you put black panties on. I can already tell how horny you're getting."

I felt my hips jerk a bit when he turned the speed on and once again, my hands gripped the sheets on each side of me. I was too focused on the pleasure I was getting that it's only when he whispered that he realized he had moved closer.

"Keep your eyes open."

His voice was harsh even if he was talking low and it took me everything to open my eyes again. His lips curled into a smirk and once again, I held my breath as I tried not to squirm too much. He pressed the vibrator more on my clit and I whimpered again, making him smirk even more,

"Fuck, you look good, I'm getting so hard looking at you."

He moved away slightly and looked between my legs before moving his gaze back up. I knew I was getting close to an orgasm and I moaned a bit louder, feeling incredibly aroused by t eh fact that I didn't have any control on my own pleasure.

"You're soaking your panties." he added. "Love watching my little princess turn into a good little slut."

My heart skipped many beats and I almost came right after he talked, his words making my whole body throb in rhythm with my inner thighs.

"Oh god, Niall..." the words escaped my lips in a mix of a whimper and a whisper and he moved closer, dipping his head near my neck and biting my skin gently. "I'm gonna cum..."

"Not now." he quickly replied, making my heart jump. "Not until I tell you to."

"I don't know how long I can last." I admitted, gripping the sheets harder.

"Then beg me."

He moved his face back up and our eyes met. I let mine roam on his face and started biting my bottom lip hard as I tried not to grind on the vibrator he was holding tightly against me.

"Please, Niall, let me cum." I let out in a pleading tone. "Please I really need it."

I quickly brought my hand to his wrist but he started moving it and feeling it rub against my clit along with the vibrations made me moan louder than I intended. I couldn't stop myself and starting grinding on it as he brought his head closer to mine and pressed his lips against mine, kissing me deeply. He swallowed my moans and I felt my nails dig in the skin of his wrist as I tried to hold my orgasm. Slowly, he pulled away and I felt myself get dizzy from the effort I was making.

"You can cum petal, cum for me."

I felt a sensation of relief wash over me just as an orgasm hit me and I started shaking, closing my eyes despite myself. A bunch of curse words came out of my lips along with his name and when I came down from my high, I felt my panties slip down my legs. He moved over me and his mouth pressed against mine as he kissed me eagerly and roughly.

"I thought I could resist but I can't, I need to feel myself inside you."

His words made me chuckle a bit but I stopped immediately when he pushed himself inside me. I could feel myself throb hard around him because of my orgasm and he groaned against my lips, nibbling gently on my bottom one.

"I'm sorry, it won't take long."

I enjoyed the way his body weighted on mine as he pushed himself in and out of me quickly and brought my arms around his neck.

"You feel so good." I confessed low, tilting my chin up and closing my eyes. "Don't stop."

His lips brushed against my chin and he groaned again.

"You're so fucking wet, princess. you're gonna make me cum."

A shiver crossed my body at the thought and I slipped one of my hands in his hair. I moved my knees up to feel im deeper inside me and moved my hips this way, making him moan.

"Please do it." I begged again, letting out a low whimper as his movements became unsteady. "Please."

He buried his face in my neck again, gripping the sheets on each side of my head and pulling himself closer to me as he came. I felt him shake lightly over me and ran my hands down his back until his ass. It's only when he started panting that I realized I could have reached an other orgasm.

I thought he'd move away from me the way he always does but he remained on top of me as my fingertips brushed on his back, under his shirt. We kept silent for a while and I felt his lips leave small kisses from time to time on the skin of my neck.

It was one of those moments where you realize how lucky you are and how your life turned out exactly the way you wanted. I felt a wave of love and happiness flood my inside and held him tighter against me.

"I would like to make love sometimes, too."

His lips stopped moving against me and slowly, he moved up to look in my eyes. The way he looked at me made my heart melt in my chest and all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating against my rib cage.

"I'll make love to you any time you want me to."

I felt something stir in my stomach and brought my hands to cup his face. My lips parted and I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but the words got stuck in my throat. I knew that if I talked, my voice would crack and I would probably cry a bit. His lips curled in a fond smile and he licked them before bending closer and kissing my lips.

"I love you too, and i'll miss you too."

I sent him a smile and he quickly pecked my lips before getting under the blankets. I sat up in bed to go turn the lights off and noticed the photo album laying on the floor. It probably fell when we were having sex and I just stared at one of the pictures on the page. Niall had his arm around my neck, holding me close, and kissing my cheek with a beer in one of his hands. I had grabbed the fingers of his other hand and my eyes were closed but I was probably a bit too tipsy to actually remember that picture being taken. I left it there and got up to turn the lights off and finally lied back down in bed, under the covers. I thought Niall was already asleep but when he talked, I instinctively moved closer.

"I bought the vibrator for you." he let out as I cuddled him, my head on his shoulder and my arm around his waist. "So you can use it when i'm gone."

"I'll use it, I promise." I whispered. "I'll think about you while using it."

He chuckled and turned his face my way to kiss the top of my head, making me smile more. I felt his hand on my back and his thumb started caressing my skin gently. I couldn't stop thinking that the next day, i'd have to sleep alone in bed and it made me want to cry.

"Can I stay here while you're gone?"

I felt like it wouldn't be as hard to be without him if I was in his stuff, spending time at his place, sleeping in his bed... It would feel like he was still sort of with me. I couldn't imagine going back to my empty and cold apartment and wait for six weeks until he'd come back.

His hand stopped moving on me and maybe I imagined it, but I felt him tense next to me. It made me frown and I moved my head up to look at him.

"You don't want me to stay here?"

I didn't know why but it hurt me and I I held my breath, noticing he was avoiding my eyes.

"No, it's not that, it's just.." he shook his head and I moved my upper body up a bit, holding myself with my hand on the mattress and looking down at him. He finally looked in my eyes and his traits softened slightly. "You can stay just.. don't make a mess, okay?"

My eyes roamed on his face and although I shouldn't I felt a bit annoyed by his words. I didn't want to fight with him, especially knowing he was leaving the next morning, and I decided to just nod slightly and lay my head back on his shoulder. It took a few minutes and he finally sighed, turning his face my way again and pressing his lips on the top of my head.

"I'm sorry." he let out sincerely. "I want you to stay here. Maybe you could even stay here... all the time?"

Once again I held my breath, feeling my whole body throb as the room went completely silent. I just stared at his chest for a few seconds, thinking about everything it implied.

"You don't really want to live with me." I pointed out, letting one of my hands brush around his belly button. "Trust me."

"I do." he chuckled, pulling me closer to him, his warm hand burning the skin of my back. "I wanted to ask you even before we started dating."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise and finally looked up at him again. He was sending me an amused smile and this time, I couldn't help but smile back.

"Really?"

"Really." he repeated. "Didn't you ever think about us living together?"

I felt my cheeks burn, glad that we were in the dark, and raised a shoulder.

"I did, but I was scared we'd never sleep in the same bed if I had my own room here."

This time, he's the one who looked surprised and clearly, it was not something that had crossed his mind. His expression made me chuckle and he nodded slowly.

"Fair point. But not relevant anymore."

I nodded and sent him a loving smile, tilting my head. I really wanted to move in with him but I was also scared it would result into useless fights and I wanted to avoid that more than anything. We were together, we were happy, and I didn't want to ruin it. Still, the thought of sharing a place with him was extremely tempting. I knew I was at his place most of the time but having an apartment where I kept all my stuff and where I could always go whenever I needed to be alone was reassuring, for both of us. He wanted to make the big jump though and he asked me. That, in itself, proved how dedicated he was to this relationship and I owed him to be just as devoted as he was. I loved him and It was scary to think of all the things I was ready to do for him but I was confused and it made a pain appear suddenly in my stomach. I just wanted to make the right decision... the one that would insure us a future. I wanted this to last, I needed this to last. I didn't know what i'd do if it didn't.

I brought my hand to his face and brushed my thumb gently on his cheek. I felt so in love that I had to swallow a lump of affection stuck in my throat before bending down and kissing his lips.

"I'll think about it."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan writing #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #my fanfics #amc #idk how to apologize for this tbh #i feel like its going so slowly #but its really needed guys #i promise problems and tears and stuff

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ispyamoose · 4 years

Text

I am overwhelmed.

I have lots of family on Facebook, so I generally don’t post stuff like this there. On my Twitter, I occasionally share short-form woes, but didn’t really want to put this there.

There is so much going on in the world. In addition, there’s so much going on in my life. So much feels like it’s piling on. And, before anyone might ask, YES, I’m seeking therapy. I’ve recently had to switch therapists and am still waiting on an appointment. But I AM seeking real help. I just need a place to shout into the void, and I’ve got some H E A V Y shit to share.

My mom has been in increasingly poor health. She has COPD, has had dozens of hospital trips in the past year, and has been on oxygen since September. That came out of nowhere. She hadn’t been hospitalized in something like 15 years for her COPD, and then WHAM, so much deterioration happened at once.

She receives palliative care, which is basically a step below hospice care, for those who don’t know. Palliative care is when you have a serious medical illness, and a nurse comes by a few times a week to check vitals, give you a basic examination, and is able to advocate for you more easily. If they suspect an infection, they can call your doctor for you and get antibiotics ordered without needing to go to the doctor’s office. It is designed to save you hospital trips, because your immune system is at risk of ANYTHING you come across.

My mom was told, last week, that she is in the end stage of her COPD. We were preparing for this, it was suspected, but it was different to be told that for sure by the doctor. Home hospice care was recommended for her, despite her already having palliative care. This is probably because palliative care still has more hoops to jump through to gain access to higher strength pain management medication, etc.

She also recently developed 4 compression fractures in her spine. T4, T5, T6, and T8. She has osteoporosis and RA. She has a brace for this so her spine can heal. She has a hunch now because of the fractures, and the hunch is permanent.

This hit me like a TON OF BRICKS. Anyone who knows me, knows my mom is my best friend on this entire planet. Yes, my dearly departed best friend Toni, and my Rachel Squared bestie are my best friends. But, I am SO incredibly close with my mom. I tell her everything, even the uncomfortable stuff that people often don’t share with their parents. Losing her would be unfathomable to me. And, yet, I have to start accepting that it may happen sooner, rather than later. Yes, she could live a very long time in the end stage. That doesn’t have to define her. Some people still live 10-20 years. But the vagueness of the situation is what eats at me. Could she live another 10 years? Of course. But would it be a surprise to any doctor if she passed in a few months? Not at all. And that’s what eats at me. I don’t want to live every day thinking that this is going to be the day I lose her, but my anxiety takes over and I do think that.

She just went back to the hospital the other day, for what we thought was a bowel obstruction. She hadn’t gone since she got home from the hospital last week. Nope. Not an obstruction. Good, right? Well...she had a HOLE in her INTESTINE. Part of her intestine is just paralyzed and not working, likely because of this perforation. So she had to have emergency surgery. It was successful, but recovery could take 6+ months, and she has an ostomy bag for at least a few months.

I’m glad she’s okay. I talked to her this morning. But, of all people these things happen to, it shouldn’t be her. My poor mom has been through hell and back. And, somehow, she’s still positive and SUCH a trooper. And it makes me sob. I love her so much and would bear all the pain for her if I could.

Besides my mom’s struggles, my son has a developmental delay, isn’t saying words, (but makes noises and single syllable sounds) and will be 2 this month. He’s being referred for autism screening. I love my son, he’s ADORABLE and is such a good kid. But the hard times with him are HARD, and it’s becoming harder and harder to manage on my own. (COVID still has things closed, and his Early Intervention visits are all teletherapy currently) He’s also got partial hearing loss, that we’re unsure is permanent or not. COVID has prevented him from seeing ENT until the end of July. All we have to go on right now is from the audiologist. He doesn’t hear until 35 decibels, and that’s a whisper for him. He has Sensory Integration Dysfunction, and seeks out sensory input he’s not getting. This results in him pushing over heavy furniture, which appears to be destructive behavior, but is him trying to participate in heavy play so his senses are stimulated. Reid is the light of my life, but it is exhausting. I will love him no less if he’s autistic, but I grew up with developmental delays myself, and it’s not a life I necessarily wanted for him. I don’t want things to always be harder for him. I want things to be easier for him than they were for me.

And, I’m filing bankruptcy due to massive medical bills from 2018. Basically, I worked at Cigna, and while I was pregnant, I had medical problems that didn’t affect Reid, but affected me, leaving me out of work. I had short-term disability from December through the middle of February. From February through May, I was supposed to have FMLA, and then from May-September was supposed to be maternity leave. I ended up leaving in September because I couldn’t afford to work and pay for childcare. Because I left, it caused a catalyst. FMLA retroactively denied, which caused my maternity leave to deny, because FMLA needs to be approved for maternity leave to approve. Because none of this approved, my health insurance from February-September essentially went retroactively unpaid. Because that happened, my insurance coverage terminated all the way back to February. Cigna recouped all the payments they made for ALL my health issues, and Reid’s birth, etc. So 6 months of insurance premiums AND every single doctor charge was on me. AND, to make matters worse, too much time had passed for Medicaid to pick up any of these bills. (You can only submit bills that are within 3 months.) So, I’ve been saddled with an insane amount of medical bills I just cannot pay.

I have multiple medical issues that require surgery. I require bladder surgery, and hip/pelvic surgery to correct dysplasia. My doctors won’t do it until I’m done having kids...all because I want one more in a few years. The pain and dysplasia with my hip/pelvis/low back prevent me from doing a lot of bending, walking, and lifting. This prevents me from doing much around the house. I feel miserable, like I’m useless and not enough of a person for my partner, because I’m not contributing as much as I feel like I should. If I clean the house, I can’t do anything else for the whole day. If I walk through a Sam’s Club, I’m done for a day or two. It’s a bad mental space to be in.

Sooooo, that’s my life right now. Then, add in touch deprivation because of the pandemic depriving me of the people I love. Add in my dread because of the state of the world. (#BlackLivesMatter, kiss my ass if you disagree) Aaaaand, I’m a million degrees of overwhelmed.

#overwhelmed #illness #depression

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aura-loveshine · 5 years

Text

Fringe-dweller’s true tales.

I looked up at the half moon, and thought “this will be the 5th full moon since you died”...

Three nights before you were so suddenly taken from the physical earth, you camped overlooking the beautiful large body of water. you explored the multifaceted countryside, you were always like a kid when it came to exploring. you would have honoured and felt connected with nature. you would have sat with a j and admired the full moon on Friday the 13th. it would have been so beautiful to see the full moon over the water, the reflection, the light bouncing off the rippling water and quartz crystal sparkly rockbed...

I hope those days spent at that campsite were healing, I hope you felt at peace, I hope you spent those days happy, content. I imagine you playing guitar and adventuring with our magic merlin dog, enjoying the wildlife, the peacefulness. I imagine you listening to the abc radio you loved and talking to the other campers, sharing your quirky unique self, making people laugh, or think. I imagine you satisfied to have achieved the long time goal to drive to the tip of Australia, from Cook Town to Cape York in your FWD. I imagine you had chocolate or something sweet even though you were running out of everything else.

I wonder if you dreamt those nights... I wonder if you had a feeling something was coming. I wonder about the last conversations you had with tribe. i wonder about where you thought the wind might take you next. I wonder if you actually were on your way to visit me... ill never know whether I/you/we could have done anything to change what happened... I can't believe after all the physical pain you endured through-out your 34 years, that you experienced pain in your last alert moments... I think about our dog being with you when it all happened...

I imagine you loving being omnipresent, exploring the universe in your cosmic pirate-ship with Xena, your beloved 17 year old dog. I'm not surprised she passed 12 days after you... I'm glad your both free of your aching sore physical bodies. You both lived so adventurously. you and Xena are the only ones I know that can say they lived in their vehicles/bus for over 11 years, driving over a million kms around and through Australia. I also don’t know anyone else that helped as many fringe-dwellers as you did, loved and supported so many beautiful women without trying to take it to a sexual level, who invited people to travel with you and see new incredible parts of Australia. you saved forests, educated people, changed Bunnings national policy, inspired people to live better and more freely, you lived more in your short life-time than anyone I know. you experienced pain, near death experience, limitation childhood abuse and death of loved ones and still managed to be the incredible being full of enthusiasm with an open heart and playful inquisitive nature.

I was relieved to hear you had been reconnecting with your mum and family. that our close friends had quality time with you before everything changed... I know you knew there was a high chance of you dying while on the road due to road death statistics... but all the justifications can't outweigh the heaviness of not being able to message you, call you, find out where you are now, what your building or what fascinating experience you’ve had recently.

You were the first and only male partner I have shared a ‘de facto’ type lovership with, having only been with women until you. you were so respectful, you were loving and gentle... travelling in a old coaster for 6 months with you living a true dream... you built us a bush shack in two weeks, you built us a bush palace in a month and a half, all while been technically ‘disabled’... you showed me sacred sites of Australia, you climbed into caves, swam in ocean with crocodiles a few kms away,, we ate dinner alone with Dick Smith in the desert, casually chatting. you introduced me to Robin Mutoid at Burn out, I loved sitting with you and Robin in the coaster watching you two light up talking about mad hatter genius building ideas... and plans to create an explosive pineapple grenade to the filming we were doing.

Some of my favourite memories of my life-time, have been with you. I cherish you, I cherish my photos of you, I'm relieved I didnt listen to you when you told me to stop taking photos and be in the moment, but now I can look at those memories when I need to see you. every time I see a old coaster van I'm going to think of you... so many things remind me of you... having merlin with me is the silver lining, I'm relieved she was safely found after 15 days of being missing in the bush. I'm relieved she's with me. but I wish I was instead bringing her back to you...

You led such an incredible life I hope to share your stories and pictures with the world. you inspired so many people while you were alive... and even after... thousands of people read about your death on social media and tv... the articles and posts used the photos I took of you. it was surreal to see you and our dog in articles, for what happened to be so publicised... for a tragedy so personal to be used as ‘grief porn’... I hope to use the publicity of it all to make change to the stretch of road. needs better signage, a lower speed, something! I can't get it out of my head that you were the 9th fatality out of 30 accidents in 31 years, within a 4km stretch of road... 9 fatalities is too many. 9 is the final number. you are the last one to be taken out there...

The bush fires started raging not long after you died... in a strange way, the fires seemed fitting in my state of grief. Our lives were all forever changed... I was forever changed. The fires burning for months. My grief, anger, shock and feeling of helplessness burning inside me for months. the sense of emergency through out the country, the sense of disaster within me.

It was all a bit much trying to deal with you dying, Xena dying, merlin being missing for 15 days and everything else that happened over the next 2 months as well the fires raging, rainforests burning, native wildlife in crisis, homes burning, people dying and the nation all in panic and smoke. Being 1500kms away from my forest home and family while the fires burned out of control less that 40kms away, with road blocks and potential fires in between. Trying to have your life celebration festivities while experiencing heavy rain, wind warnings and strained tumultuous emotions all round... thunder and hail while my mums saying she is taking all my valuables and art to a safe house coz the fires are getting closer, and they are prepping to have to evacuate with the dog, cat, ducks and chickens... luckily, it never came to that, the fires were contained 25kms away from our home, contained only 20kms away from my closest town, a well known beautiful alternative community.

A moment that will always bring a smile to my heart, was when I was finally driving home. Id had a really rough night, id been holding so much in, trying to just get through everything to get home, id started falling apart... we had just started driving, when we saw a small’ish’ dust devil. the ‘tornado hunter’ part in me instantly wanted to drive up the near by road to chase it. I held back, until I heard my friend say “we could throw some of him ashes into the dust devil”... and I zoomed up the road as quick as I could. although the little twister had gone out of reach, I trustfully threw some of your ashes towards it. my heart felt uplifted as I watched the ash catch, float up and dissolve toward the dust devil.

You weren't scared of dying, you lived actively seeking to push your own limits, always with a cheeky grin. but you always landed like a cat, you were always there, doing your thing... alive. you always came back... you would have heard about the fires and driven straight to help, you would have fought the fires like you had before. you would have used the experience as a way to further pursue actual change for the planet, would have been apart of the vocal community questioning how the government failed to protect and how we needed to have upheaval and revolution...

You drove so safely on the roads. I dont know what happened to the other driver, except that he was seemingly uninjured. was it actually an unfortunate accident? or did the driver lose control going around the corner at 130kms in a 100 zone....

Was it really ‘your time to go’? if I hadn't been to the crash site and dealt with all that I have, I might fantasise the idea that you pulled the ultimate fucked up prank, that your hiding out in your doomsday bunker, mischievously laughing at no one knowing your alive, being completely ‘offline’, plotting the moment to reveal yourself... to see you, hug you would be....

We separated as lovers 15 months before you died, as we had to go on seperate journeys, we had to become individuals again. we were both struggling with very different things, we had to salvage our friendship and love, to take a break, allow some time... and then... you died 7 hours away, on your way to my area... on your way to see me and Xena.. I can't help but feel I'm being punished somehow, question if I shouldn't have made you leave. you might still be alive... am I silly to dwell on thoughts like that? I thought we had more time.

All I can do is live passionately, continue to be inspired by you and cherish you and our time together, learn from my experiences, healing these wounds by living, by loving, by sharing truth, by having daily gratitude and celebrating the positive events and changes as they come.

I know, for a long time, I will count each passing full moon...

You will always be my gypsy pirate king.

Fly Free my Lover. I'll see you on the other side once again.

#writing #writeblr #original writing #angst #gypsy #pirate #king #bohemian #hippie #australia #bushfires #truth #car #death #aura loveshine #fringe dweller #love #activism #moon #inspiration

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hazardville · 5 years

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Fuck You Facebook

So, in case anyone’s seeing this without coming here from my Facebook: Facebook removed this post because it was flagged as spam. I’m preserving it here because this information should be shared and Facebook’s attempts to obscure the sharing of health information should be condemned, widely and publicly. Enjoy. This is a long post addressing two underlying issues with the current response to the pandemic that leave me concerned. It’s the longest post I’ve ever written. The Medium version of this post (link below) has been viewed 1.2M in less than the last 24 hours as of 3/17/20. For those of you not taking action, or believing the pandemic to be “over hyped”, you can make fun of me as much as you want now or when this is over. You can make me the subject of memes and post it everywhere. I will pose for the picture. I am not trying to convince you, but I do feel compelled to share information that I deem critical to all of us, which is why I am posting this at all. WHY YOU SHOULD TAKE 5 MINUTES TO READ AND CONSIDER THE INFORMATION I AM SHARING: As of 3/15/20 at 9 am PST this post has been shared over 50k times since it was posted 2 days ago. So a lot of people find value in the post and although it's a long read, I believe you will find this information valuable too. For those of you who don’t know me well, I am analytical and metered. I don’t freak out nor do I respond emotionally. I also don’t post a bunch of bullshit or political or controversial stuff on Facebook. I founded and am CEO of a successful software company that provides SaaS based data, analytics, and dashboards to recruiting departments at companies we all know. As you would expect, I am data driven and fact based. Before founding my company I held executive roles leading very large recruiting teams at some of the world's fastest growing companies such as Starbucks and Google. At Google I was fortunate enough to report to Sheryl Sandberg before she took the Facebook COO role. I was a Chemical Engineering major in college and have a business degree from a top undergraduate business school. I am not one for hyperbole or histrionics. My bullshit factor is close to zero. I share all this personal information only to help solidify that this post may be worth reading and sharing with others. I would encourage you to forward or share this post at your discretion. Many people do not understand what is happening with the pandemic to the degree required which is why I took the time to write this and share this on Facebook. Now that I've gotten the introduction out of the way, here are two issues I want to bring to everyone’s attention. ISSUE ONE: SOCIAL NORMS ARE POWERFUL MOTIVATORS AND GETTING IN THE WAY OF PEOPLE TAKING THE RIGHT STEPS IN RESPONSE TO THE PANDEMIC: One of the current problems with addressing the pandemic is the social pressures of taking action today. It's awkward, and feels like an over-reaction. The reason it feels like an overreaction is that most people OVERWEIGHT the currently reported cases and inherently UNDERWEIGHT the mathematics of how the virus is spreading and what will happen in about 30 days time. This is because our brains tend to think linearly as opposed to logarithmically. It’s the same reason many people don’t save for retirement or understand compound interest. To create a new social norm, human beings like to see behavior modeled. This serves as a signal that says, “oh, someone else is doing it so I should do it also.” SO HERE IS A SOCIAL BENCHMARK FOR REFERENCE - THIS IS WHAT I’VE DONE FOR MY FAMILY TO DATE: I have already isolated my family. We have canceled EVERYTHING. We have canceled previously scheduled doctor visits. Social get togethers. No play dates. Normal routine meetings. Everything has been canceled. It's difficult and socially awkward. Some of you think I’m crazy, but I’m doing it not because I am afraid, but because I am good at math (more on that in part 2). I had to have my 16 year old daughter quit her job coaching junior gymnasts at the local gym, with one day’s notice and also tell my kids they can't attend youth group at church. Both of those were tough discussions. I told a very close friend he shouldn’t stay at my house this weekend even though he was planning to and had booked his flight from the Bay Area. I canceled another dear friend’s visit for later this month to go snowboarding on Mt Bachelor. We are not eating out. Our kids are already doing online school so we don’t have to make changes there. I would not send my kids to school even if they were in public or private school. We have eliminated all non-essential contact with other people. We will only venture out to grocery shop when required. We will still go outside to parks, go mountain biking, hiking, and recreate to keep ourselves sane and do other things as a family, just not with other people. We have stocked up on food and have a supply for ~2 months. We have stocked up on other goods that if depleted would create hardship, like medicines and feminine hygiene products. We have planned for shortages of essential items. THE REASON I HAVE CHOSEN THIS ROUTE FOR MY FAMILY IS MULTI FACETED: 1. Although my family is considered low risk (I’m 49 in good health, Angi is 46 and in good health, and our kids are 14 and 16), we must assume that the healthcare system cannot help us, because the hospitals will become overwhelmed very quickly. Most American hospitals will become overwhelmed in approximately 30 days unless something changes. More on this in part 2 below. So although we are in great health and unlikely to become gravely ill, the risk is greater if you do not have access to the medical care that you need. This is something for everyone to consider. As a society we are accustomed to having access to the best medical care available. Our medical system will be overwhelmed unless we practice social distancing at scale. That said, the medical teams in Italy are seeing an alarming number of cases from people in their 40s and 50s. Triage tents are already going up in the parking lots at many hospitals close to the epicenters in the United States. 2. It’s not a matter of if social distancing will take place, it’s a matter of when. This is because social distancing is the only way to stop the virus today. As I will explain in part 2 below, starting now is FAR more effective than starting even 2 days from now or tomorrow. This has been proven by Italy and China (and soon to be France and other European countries who have been slow to respond.) [updated as of 3/14 France is now on lockdown mandated by the government]. Wuhan went on lockdown after roughly 400 cases were identified (and they had access to testing that America has systematically failed to do well to date). The US already has more than 4 times this number of known infected cases as Wuhan did when it was shut down, and our citizens are far more mobile and therefore spreading the virus more broadly when compared to Wuhan. Yet our response is tepid at best. If hand washing and “being smart” were sufficient Italy would not be in crisis. So I pray the draconian measures are coming from our government, because they are required to stop the spread of the virus. It’s better to start sooner than later as the cost is actually far greater if we wait. I pray they close all schools and non-essential services the way that Italy and China have done. 3. Spreading the virus puts those in the high-risk category at much greater risk. This is the moral argument. It’s a strong argument because there are only two ways, as of today, that the virus can be stopped: let it run its course and infect 100s of millions of people, or social distancing. There is no other way today. If you don’t practice social distancing, people downstream from you that you transmit the virus to will die, and many will suffer. 4. The risk of infection is increasing exponentially, because the quantity of infected people, most who will not show symptoms, is doubling every three days. So the longer you wait to self-isolate, the greater the chance of you or someone you love becoming infected and then you infecting others because more of the population is becoming infected. There are twice as many infected people today as there was on Tuesday. 5. The virus is already in your town. It’s everywhere. Cases are typically only discovered when someone gets sick enough to seek medical attention. This is important as it typically takes ~5 days to START showing ANY symptoms. Here’s the math: For every known case there are approximately 50 unknown cases. This is because if I become sick, I infect several people today, and they infect a few people each tomorrow (as do I), and the total count of infected people doubles every 3 days until I get so sick I get hospitalized or get tested and become a “known case”. But in the time it takes me to figure out I am sick 50 others downline from me now have the virus. So every third day the infection rate doubles until I get so sick that I realize I have the virus an am hospitalized or otherwise tested. Harvard and Massachusetts General Hospital estimate that there are 50x more infections than known infections as reported (citation below). The implication of this is that the virus is already “everywhere” and spreading regardless if your city has zero, few or many reported cases. So instead of the 1573 reported known cases today there are likely 78,650 cases, at least, in the United States. Which will double to 157,300 by this Sunday. And this will double to 314,600 cases by this coming Wednesday. So in less than 1 week the number of total infected in the United States will quadruple. This is the nature of exponential math. It’s actually unfortunate that we are publishing the figures for known cases as it diverts attention away from more important numbers (like the range of estimated actual cases). [Update as of 3/15/20 - I've been sent more research that may add clarity to the ACTUAL cases vs CONFIRMED cases and will update this post with any conclusions] 6. Some people cannot, or will not, practice social distancing for a variety of reasons and will continue to spread the virus to many people. So everyone else must start today. The reasons above are why I have begun to practice social distancing. It’s not easy. But you should do it too. The hospitals will be at capacity and there are not enough ventilators. You will hear a lot about this issue in the coming few weeks... the shortage of ventilators. ISSUE TWO: MANY PEOPLE ARE FOCUSED ON THE WRONG NUMBERS: Yes, the virus only kills a small percentage of those afflicted. Yes, the flu kills 10s of thousands of people annually. Yes, 80% of people will experience lightweight symptoms with COVID19. Yes the mortality rate of COVID19 is relatively low (1-2%). All of this true, but is immaterial. They are the wrong numbers to focus on... The nature of exponential math is that the infection rates start slowly, and then goes off like a bomb and overwhelms the hospitals. You will understand this math clearly in the next section if you do the short math exercise. Evergreen hospital in Seattle is already in triage. I have heard credible reports from people on the ground that they are already becoming overwhelmed. And the bomb won't really go off for a few more days. Probably by Wednesday, March 18th (next week). In just a few days from now we will hear grave reports from Seattle hospitals. [update as of 3/15/20 - see the comments section below for an update from a staff member at Evergreen Hospital in Kirkland, WA] You should assume the virus is everywhere at this point, even if you have no confirmed cases in your area. YOU SHOULD DO THIS SIMPLE 2 MINUTE MATH EXERCISE (NO REALLY TAKE TWO MINUTES AND DO IT): To further understand exponential growth, take the number of confirmed cases in your area and multiply by 10 (or 50 if you believe Harvard and Massachusetts General estimations) to account for the cases that are not yet confirmed. If you have no confirmed cases choose a small number. I’d suggest 10 cases in your city, if no cases are yet reported. But you can use whatever number you like. This number of infected people doubles every ~3 days as the infection spreads. So literally take your number, and multiply by 2. Then do it again. Then do it again. Then do it again. Do this multiplication exercise 10 times in total. 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x (the number of estimated infections in your city today (not just the reported cases)). This result is the estimate for the actual cases in your area 30 days from now. The math will take 30 seconds to complete with a calculator and it’s worth doing the math to see how it grows. This end number is the number of cases in your city 30 days from today if a large percentage of the population do not practice social distancing. 2 to the 10th power is 1024. When something doubles 10 times, it's the same as multiplying by 1024. The infection rate of the virus doubles every 3 days. In thirty days there will be 1,024 times the number of infected people in your area as there is today if your community does not immediately put social distancing into practice. One thousand and twenty four times as many infected people as there is today, in just 30 days. Next, divide the final number (the scary big one) you just calculated by the current population of your city and you will be able to get the percentage of people THAT YOU KNOW PERSONALLY who will be infected 30 days from now. Next take 15% (multiply by 0.15) of that final 30 day number of total infected people (the number you calculated by multiplying by 2 ten times). This will provide an estimate of the serious cases which will require hospitalization, and compare it to the number of beds and ventilators available at your local hospital. Google the "number of beds" and the name of your local hospital now. It takes 2 seconds and the number of beds is easy to find. 65% of beds are already occupied by patients unrelated to the coronavirus. St Charles in Bend, Oregon where I live, has 226 beds and the town is roughly 100,000 people. Most hospitals have on average, 40 or fewer ventilators. 5% of patients require ICU treatment. There are very few ICU beds compared to regular beds in hospitals. There are very few negative pressure areas in any hospital to deal with the containment of airborne diseases. These numbers you just calculated are the Big Problem: Too many patients, not enough beds, and a serious shortage of ventilators (the biggest problem) if we don't immediately begin social distancing. More on this biggest problem related to the insufficient quantity of ventilators is below. COUNTRIES THAT GET OVERWHELMED WILL HAVE A MUCH GREATER MORTALITY RATE BECAUSE THEY WON’T BE ABLE TO ADEQUATELY CARE FOR THE SICK. And by sick I mean not just coronavirus patients. Your son or daughter that needs acute care surgery this May for his badly broken leg will be attended to by an orthopedic doctor that has been working at maximum capacity and working 18 hour shifts for 7 days every week for 6 weeks because it was required to care for all the coronavirus patients at her hospital. Or the orthopedic surgeon will be sick with the virus and your son or daughter will be operated on in a tent in the hospital parking lot by a non-expert or a member of the National Guard. Your elderly Mom that has diabetes and goes into acute distress next month may not receive ANY medical care because the doctors are consumed and have to prioritize patients based on triage guidelines based on success rate probabilities. Your sibling’s family that are all injured in a terrible car crash in June will have diminished care. If one of them needs a ventilator there will be none available because all of them will be in use by critical coronavirus patients. Your young friend with cancer and a compromised immune system from treatment will succumb even though the cancer was curable and the treatment was working, because their body was too fragile to combat the coronavirus due to the chemotherapy and they couldn't receive the customized, acute care required due to the hospital being overwhelmed. All of the above is currently happening in Italy, who had the same number of infections we have today just 2 weeks ago. You must start social distancing today. The count of actual virus infections doubles every ~3 days. The news and government agencies are lagging in their response. So we hear that the US only has 1573 cases today (3/12/20) [update as of 3/15/20: 3115 confirmed cases), ( see https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/) and it doesn't seem like a lot. It would be better to report the estimated actual cases, since reported cases don’t tell us much. However, we know from China that the actual number of cases are at least an order of magnitude greater than the reported cases, because people get infected and do not display symptoms. In math, an "order of magnitude" means ten times difference, or put another way, a factor of 10. 100 is 10 times greater than 10, so it's an order of magnitude greater. Harvard Medical School / Massachusetts General Hospital just released their estimate (recording is here: https://externalmediasite.partners.org/Mediasite/Play/53a4003de5ab4b4da5902f078744435a1d) that the actual cases are 50x greater than the reported cases. So we likely have 75,000 cases in the United States already. The number of reported cases is not that important. But let’s assume the current number of cases is only 10,000 ACTUAL cases in the United States just to be conservative and model out what will happen: If we don’t stop the virus from spreading, in 30 days we will have 2 to the 10th power more cases of infected people because the infection count doubles every 3 days (the virus doubles every 3 days and there are 10, 3 day periods in 30 days). The math: 2 to the 10th power means 1,024 times as many cases as we have today (2 times 2 repeated 10 times). This number is a catastrophically big problem for all of us: We will have 10 million+ actual cases (10,000 actual cases today x 1,024) in the United States in just 30 days’ time if we continue without extreme social distancing. 10 million people with the virus. And it will keep doubling every 3 days unless we practice social distancing. 15% of cases require significant medical attention, which means that 1.5 million people will require significant medical attention if 10 million people get infected (15% of 10 Million total infections = 1.5 million people requiring hospitalization). 1.5 million hospitalizations is way more than we have beds for at hospitals in the United States. And 65% of all beds are already occupied in our hospitals. But many patients (5%) with the virus need ICU beds, not just any old hospital bed. Only about 10% of hospital beds are considered intensive care beds. So we will have a huge bed shortage, but that is not the biggest problem, as we can erect temporary ICU shelters and bring in more temporary beds, as Italy has already done, and California and Washington hospitals have already done. Evergreen Hospital in Seattle has already erected temporary triage tents in the parking lot as of 3/13/20. All regular beds are full at Evergreen Hospital as of yesterday. Once the government of China, Norway, and Italy came to understand this math, they reacted accordingly and shut EVERYTHING down. [update as of 3/15/20 now France has done the same lockdown]. Extreme social distancing is the only response available to stop the virus today. The United States is not responding well nor are other countries like the UK. Countries that do not respond well will pay a much larger, catastrophic price. But hospital beds are not the big problem. The lack of ventilators is the big problem. Most estimates peg the ventilators in the United States at roughly 100,000 to 150,000 units. See the study from last month: http://www.centerforhealthsecurity.org/resources/COVID-19/200214-VentilatorAvailability-factsheet.pdf The primary and most serious comorbid (comorbid is a medical term that means co-existing or happening at the same time) condition brought on by the Coronavirus is something called bilateral interstitial pneumonia which requires ventilators for treatment of seriously ill patients. So if 1.5M people of the 10 million infected 30 days from now require hospital care (15% of the 10M estimated total infections), 1.3M may not get the care that they need because we don’t have enough ventilators, beds, and ICU beds in the United States. And remember, this is only if ALL OF US EFFECTIVELY start social distancing by April 11th (30 days from today). This increases the mortality rate significantly. BUT IF WE START EXTREME SOCIAL DISTANCING BY MARCH 23 (12 days from original writing), WE AVOID OVER 1.4 MILLION PEOPLE GETTING CRITICALLY ILL AND OVERWHELMING THE HOSPITALS: If everyone takes extreme measures to social distance, and the United States can dramatically reduce the spread of the virus 12 days from now, the math is very different, as the exponential growth will only be 2 to the 4th power (12 days divided by the doubling rate of every 3 days equals the exponent of 4): 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 = 16 So instead of 10 Million cases in the United States if we wait 30 days, if we act 18 days sooner, we will have only 160,000 cases (16 times the estimated 10,000 actual cases as of today), of which 15% are likely to require hospitalization. This is 24,000 critical patients (a huge difference compared to 1.5 million acute patients). The difference between taking extreme measures now, versus waiting even a few days, is very large due to how exponents work in math. THE OUTCOME IS EVEN BETTER IF WE TAKE ACTION IN THE NEXT 6 DAYS: If the vast majority of the population self isolates and implements social distancing in only 6 days from now the exponential math is 2 to the 2nd power (6 days divided by the 3 days it takes the virus to double means the exponent is only 2). In math this is "two squared". 2 x 2 = 4 Multiplied by the estimated 10,000 ACTUAL cases as of today (3/12/20) that means only 40,000 total cases will develop, 15% of which may be critical which is 6,000 critical patients. This is why you should share this post broadly. If people begin social distancing in the next 6 days it will greatly reduce the impact on all of us. It's why they say a "post goes viral". SOCIAL DISTANCING WILL REDUCE THE FINANCIAL IMPACT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY: Finally, the longer everyone waits to practice significant social distancing the greater the economic hardship will be on all of us. Lost jobs. Mortgage defaults. Closed businesses. Bankruptcies. All will be minimized if you start social distancing today. Some of the reasons the economic impacts will be reduced are worth mentioning: If we stop the virus now the overall duration of the outbreak will be far shorter. The stock market will normalize more quickly and recover more quickly. Businesses and people will be able to survive a shorter duration outbreak vs a longer duration outbreak. More companies will avoid bankruptcy if we begin to practice social distancing now. This is a big financial reason to begin social distancing if you are employed by any company: if companies see that the virus is being slowed, they will be less likely to conduct layoffs. You will be more likely to be laid off or experience a job-related event if we don’t practice social distancing immediately. As an HR executive, I’ve been involved in many, many layoffs. It’s the last thing companies want to do. But if they see that the pandemic will be shorter lived vs long and drawn out, they are less likely to make the permanent decision of laying off staff. The overall economic impact that hits your bank account will be greater if you wait or you don’t practice social distancing. This is why Norway acted now, because it’s less economic impact to take drastic measures early than to do them later, and it saves a lot of lives and suffering by doing so. And Norway has only one confirmed death as of this writing. Many people have suggested they want to support local restaurants and other businesses, who have seen sales drop by 50-90%. Stopping by and visiting them won't save them. What will save them is social distancing and what you do after the pandemic is over. If you are concerned, call them and buy a gift certificate over the phone. START TODAY. I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH. YOU MUST START TODAY. Finally, the article that I posted yesterday written by Tomas Pueyo has been read 30M times in the last few days and has been updated with new information. It’s worth reading again. Here’s that link. https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-act-today-or-people-will-die-f4d3d9cd99ca Other up to date data I frequently consult regarding the pandemic is here: https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/ I hope this is helpful and useful. My brain focuses on the math and I try and be fact based in my analysis and interpretation of how I should respond. THERE IS MORE INFORMATION IN THE COMMENTS BELOW WORTH READING AND I WILL BE UPDATING THIS POST, AND THE COMMENTS, WITH MORE INFORMATION, (AS OPPOSED TO CREATING NEW POSTS). MY FINAL PARTING THOUGHT: Please share or forward this post at your discretion. If everyone shares this post and two of your friends share this post and so on, we use the power of exponential math to work in our favor, which seems appropriate given the virus is using that same exponential math against us. HOW YOU CAN REALLY HELP: If you know people who have large numbers of followers, or people in the media, please leverage your personal relationship with them and ask them to amplify this post by sharing it or the Medium Post (link below) For people not on Facebook you can email or text the link. It would be useful to get the post on Twitter and LinkedIn by sharing the Medium post. If you know people in government this fact-based post may help inform them to make the best decisions. It's time for us humans to go on the offensive against the virus. We must fight back. There is only one way to do so: Social Distancing. Do it today. NOTE: Anyone, including the media, is free to use this post, any related content, in all or in part, for any purpose, in any format, with no attribution required. Please direct message me if you have other ideas for how to raise awareness. Finally, I can no longer keep up with friend requests given how much this post has been shared. To receive updates or follow me, please use the "Follow" button on Facebook. 3/16/20: I am preparing a second post, now that 4 days have gone by since the first post. To receive it please follow me on FB. I can not keep up with the friend requests. https://medium.com/@Jason_Scott_Warner/the-sober-math-everyone-must-understand-about-the-pandemic-2b0145881993 https://www.facebook.com/jason.scott.warner/posts/10163742243430144

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phantom-muses · 5 years

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major fucking trigger warning for:

rape, emotional abuse, pedophilia, general abusive relationships, suicidal thoughts/attempts and self harm

i gotta get these off my chest because i dont trust anyone who knows me irl to see me the same way as they did before after this post.

With valentines day coming up all i can do is relive all my trauma from my abusive exes and god fucking damn it its so hard im crying while im typing this.

i dont even lnow where to start rhis will be just a massive rambling mess because im a mess but i have to get this whole this off my chest or i swear im gonna end myself.

guess ill start in the beginning. when i was 11 i was getting groomed and manipulated by a 20 year old man. once i turned 12 he started asking me to send him pictures and you can imagine what kind. i of course being a naive little girl though he loved me and didn't know exactly why he wanted those images.

i started cutting myself around this time and attempted suicide for the first time

moving forward to 14, i had a crush on a kid from my class and he manipulated me into thinking he had feelings for me so he could use me for his own sexual gratification. he was the first guy i kissed and he would routinely sexually harass me in public to the point i broke down crying in the middle of class because i couldn't take him and his friends groping me.

again, more sh and attempts

15, first relationship with my first girlfriend, all was great in the beginning until we were alone in my house and i said i didn't wanna go further than kissing (due to trauma but i just said i wasn't ready) and she got kinda pissed off and our relationship went down hill from there and i was just left feeling like a burden every time i tried talking to her.

few months after that i started dating a drug dealer. he fingered me without my consent with his friend in the same room as us. he also took advantage of me one time when i was high off my mind and couldn't possibly consent haha....

16, started regularly doing drugs basically so i wouldn't feel as empty, i let one of my friends take my virginity on my 16th birthday party because i refuse to count the drug dealer as having taken my virginity, felt pretty fucking empty but at least i felt like i sort of had control over my body. until i started dating this foreign guy who also ended up toying with me without my consent but this time in public so i felt i couldn't really do anything.

after that whole catastrophe, i started sexting random guys i met online just because i felt wanted by them. one of them violated my trust and spread my nudes yeehaw aint that great. anyway hes not important, i started catching feelings for one of the guys i was just casually sexting, that was a bad idea, he and i sort of became a thing.

things were great for the first 1 and a half years, then he got hooked on heroin and started emotionally abusing me, made me feel as if i was nothing but a burden and hysterical whenever i expressed any dissatisfaction with how he treated me, he manipulated me into believing i was a bad girlfriend for feeling upset over how he acted. made it seem as if i was nothing but a nuisance. we became an on and off thing because he would randomly ditch me

i almost started cutting myself again after having been almost a year clean

im 18 by this point here.

i started seeing sorta this guy irl, by seeing i mean fucking. another mistake because he was horrible and he raped me and clearly had a thing for rape play because even before that he would like to pretend he was trying to keep me quiet which just brought back some memories yikes. he constantly would try to pressure me into doing things i didn't want to the point of yelling at me for not wanting to do them.

i started talking to another guy online who seened nice, gave me an excuse to break it off with my rapist.

the guy may have saved me from my rapist but he was even worse actually... he was only into how young looking i am, he liked 13 year old girls (as i found out a month ago) and the fact i look like im 14 when im 19 was just perfect for him.... he was extremely controlling, didn't want me talking to any guys that aren't gay and no women who arent straight. he said awful things to me... hes the reason i developed anorexia again after having been okay for 3 years.... he constantly talked about me losing weight and becoming skinny. he admitted to wanting to rape me... only reason i had stayed with him was because of how broken i was. he broke me even further, i had to get my medication trippled, i started cutting myself again and i attmpted suicide again, only reason im not dead right now is how high i was and i couldn't go through with it the way i wouldve been able to had i been sober.

i left him a month ago? i think? i have no idea. im just sitting in my bathtub right now high on xanax so i wont have a panic attack from these flashbacks im having.

i have decided im going go back on track in my ana journey. i havent gained weight but my progress has stagnated these past 2-3 months. ana is my only coping mechanism to not end everything.

#vent #may be triggering #anarexx #triggertime

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oh-theatre · 5 years

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Sycamore High: Bustling (Chapter two)

A/N: I have their class schedules planned out if you wanna see them, let me know and ill post the. Also hell yeah I did the awkward bump :)

summary: Emma and Charlotte arrive for their first day at school at Sycamore High.

words: 1184

warnings: mentions of sweat

Ao3 link

“Em?” A shy voice asked from her side. Emma turned to face the source. Charlotte stood there, concern and worry filled her eyes. Emma sighed and gave her a quick smile. She readjusted her backpack and kept walking alongside Charlotte.

“Are you excited?” Charlotte asked, playing her own game of hopscotch as they walked. Emma watched her with a smile. She adored how no matter what Charlotte was still the girl that Emma became friends with. A kind, caring, giddy, and creative spirit, a lifelong friend. Emma swallowed as they approached the building. It was giant, glistening with privilege. Emma shook her head and focused on the sidewalk, realizing Charlotte was not beside her anymore. She stopped and turned towards her friend who was now hugging herself a few steps back. Emma gave her a sad smile and walked up to her. She put a reassuring hand her friend's arm.

“Everything ok, Lottie?” The childhood nickname slid off her tongue. Charlotte looked up, tears brimming her eyes. Emma pulled her friend into a hug. “Dont be scared! I know its a new school but we've got each other” Emma comforted. They pulled away, Charlotte wiped her eyes and nodded, her eyes now gazing on the intimidating building. Emma turned to face the building as well, they gave it one look and then each other. Emma took Charlotte's hand and squeezed it as they walked towards Sycamore High.

After almost an hour of waiting in line, Emma and Charlotte had their class schedules and their shared locker in Sophmore Hall. They made their way through the crowded halls of school bustling with Sycamore High students glancing at every kid they didn't recognize. After pushing through the judgment, they arrived at their locker. Emma wasn't going to lie, this school was nice. The lights emitted a soothing color that didn't give her a headache at 7 in the morning. The walls weren't falling apart with old paint and graffiti. The floor was still its original color free of mysterious stains and awful stenches. The classrooms were organized and spacious. The real cherry, however, was the pristine lockers. Stench free, clean, even, and just enough space. The girl's locker was in the perfect spot. Not too crowded, which allowed for some quiet, however not tucked away from everything making it a useless journey between classes. Charlotte started on the lock that was placed on the door while Emma checked her phone. The time struck 7:45, 15 minutes until school began. Emma swiped checking through her socials.

“Aha!” Charlotte shouted triumphantly, Emma turned to face her, confusion riddled her face “I got the locker open!” A proud smile spread across her face. Emma gave a small laugh before patting Charlotte in congratulations. Charlotte nodded pridefully and began to put her stuff into the locker. Charlotte was taller so she took the higher shelf, once she was done Emma checked her schedule and put the books she wouldn't need before lunch into the locker. Both girls sighed relieved at the immediate feeling of a lighter backpack.

“We’ll need to get some decorations,” Charlotte said examining the inside of the locker “A whiteboard, pencil holder… Oo! Some fairy lights... Oh and pictures! Of us!” Charlotte exclaimed giving Emma a sweet smile. Emma nodded slightly scared but glad to see her friend's nerves be projected into something beneficial. Charlotte closed the locker and readjusted herself quickly. The girls looked down at their schedule before unconsciously switching schedules to read each other's classes. A smile tugged at Emma at this, they had been friends for so long they practically worked in sync. Emma quickly scribbled down that her first-period class would be switched with her 4th-period class after today. Apparently, they were still figuring out schedules. They finished and handed them back.

“Looks like we have some of the same classes! Including the first period! Home Ec today and then for the rest of the year Musical Theatre!” Charlotte looked down the hall, Emma gave her an annoyed glance. Charlotte and Emma made a pact to sign up for one elective that the other wanted to do. Charlotte chose musical theatre and Emma chose photography. Charlotte stuck out her tongue, Emma took out her map.

“Home Ec first thing in the morning? Jeezus” Emma sighed before searching for the room on her map, spotting it she showed Charlotte and they made their way towards it. Once they arrived they took seats next to each other and listened as the teacher described the year's syllabus.

The first 2 classes went by quickly. Each class was 90 minutes, 2 before lunch, 2 after. Emma won't admit it but the A-day/B-day class rotation confused her at first. Home Ec was actually quite interesting and Emma was interested to participate in it. Charlotte adored it and couldn't stop smiling, that is until their second class. Emma went their separate ways. Emma went to English, Charlotte made her way to Health. Their respective classes were… well, they weren't really much, they just happened. Once the bell rang for lunch, the girls made their way to the lockers to meet up. Emma was rushing a tad bit seeing as her class was on the other side of the school. So much for perfect locker placement, Emma thought. She sped walked through the hall clutching her books. In Emma's defense, the halls became a bit of a blur. So when she bumped into someone causing both of them to scatter their things, she didn't see who it was for a moment.

“I am so sorry!” She exclaimed dropping to her knees, gathering her things.

“Oh uh... No worries..” The voice was awkward, she saw his figure drop down to the ground to gather their things. They both stood and faced each other. She stood in front of a boy, his hair messy and eyes tired. Emma gave an awkward apologetic smile, he returned it. She scanned him and noticed a name on one of his books, she couldn't quite make it out. She squinted.

“Paul…” He said noticing her gaze, she perked up and nodded. He stuck out his free hand towards her, she shook it. She felt both of them tense up at the unusual amount of nervous hand sweat coming from the pair.

“Emma” She stated “Sorry again, I'm new. Can you tell?” She joked sarcastically. He chuckled, his gaze moved from Emma to something behind her. She turned her head to see two males standing, staring at the pair expectantly. The taller one looked annoyed, the smaller one looked far out. He was simply smiling at them but he wasn't there. “Sorry for keeping you” She mumbled, he snapped his head back to her.

“No, no you're fine. My friend is just impatient… I should go” He said, Emma didn't understand the twinge of disappointment she felt at his words. She nodded.

“Right well, it was nice meeting you Paul,” She said firmly

“You too Emma” He smiled kindly before making his way towards his friends. Disappearing into the crowd of students bustling through.

A/N: Yay they met!! Hope you enjoyed, please leave comments or questions or more!

#tgwdlmhs #musical theatre #theatre #musical #starkid #tgwdlm #the guy who didnt like musicals #joey richter #lauren lopez #corey doris #corey dorris #jon matteson #jaime lyn beatty #au #story #writing #ao3 #archive of our own

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