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arcielee · 11 months

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Interview With a Writer

Thank you so much @dragonwanker for allowing me to pick your brain on this wonderful story and allowing me to continue this series! 💜 As always, Interview With a Writer is my ongoing series of the talented souls on Tumblr and ao3, and their brilliant writing!

Dividers by @saradika 💜

Name: dragonwanker

Story: The Commune [on ao3]

Paring: modern Aemond Targaryen x Female!Reader

Warnings: 18+ MDNI. AFAB reader, she/her pronouns. This fic contains dark themes such as; descriptions of depression, manipulation, coercion, noncon/dubcon, and incest. Please mind the tags for each chapter.

So, when did you start writing?

Oh, just in September this year! I wrote my first fic and published it then, it’s called “Warm Me Up” 😊 But I’ve been obsessed since it aired last October and I’ve read miles of Aemond fanfic especially!

I’ve always been like a day dreamer, who needs a fantasy to escape to. I didn’t think I’d be any good at writing and avoided it for so long, but then I felt inspired and brave and thought I’d give it a shot. Fanfic really helped me last year when I had a pretty bad time mentally and I thought if someone would enjoy my stories like I’ve enjoyed so many others, I’d be happy!

What made you decide to start writing in English? Do you have any advice for budding new writers where English is not their native tongue?

I think I decided to write in English since I only read fanfics in English, there really isn’t a community in Swedish. Most Swedish people have high enough English literacy to read in the language, and being able to read and write in English opens up to so much more content. As for advice; I’d say read read read! Even if it’s just fanfics, there is so much talent among ff writers and so many lovely pieces to chose from!

I don’t think I would have been able to write without having read so much fan fiction in the last year honestly! I only ever read books in Swedish, or really boring text books and academic articles in English. So, reading has really helped me understand the tone that I enjoy reading in. And helped me understand how to describe and paint a picture for the reader.

I’ve had some time to practice writing in English though, I did both my bachelors and masters in English, but the papers I wrote in school were all boring academic papers.

But that did help me articulate myself and get my point across, something that I think might feel challenging when writing in a second language.

Where did the plot for The Commune come from?

Since I am new to writing, I thought I’d explore writing something darker (also cause Halloween was just around the corner hehe) but wanted it to be different from other stories I’ve read.

I studied politics in uni and was very focused on nationalism, identity and national identity. I think theories surrounding those concepts, like Benedict Anderson’s theory on ‘imagined communities,’ inspired me to write something about a secluded community, and then I thought of a cult.

And the idea works ‘cause Aemond (in canon, I mean) was brought up in a religious family, and I felt like the Seven would be fun to explore more, especially since the story takes place in a modern AU of Westeros.

And his personality really reflects other cult leaders, like Jim Jones (I used Jonestown as a bit of an inspiration for The Commune). Aemond is highly intelligent, calculating, persuasive, knowledgeable about the Seven, and authoritative.

Can you expand a bit more on your interpretation of Aemond. What drives him? Why is he the way he is in The Commune?

I’d say the trauma from losing his eye as a child drives him greatly, and that has both good and bad consequences. Like in canon, he utilises that when studying, and it’s implied that he is extremely intelligent, which I’d say is a result of his tedious work. The need to prove himself drives him greatly.

I also think he has a inferiority complex as a child that develops into a superiority complex as he gets older and praised for his amazing work in school.

So, he takes a natural role as the leader within The Commune (I mean, he’s the mastermind behind it) since he believes that he’s superior to everyone else, even those older than him (with more experience in life or in research). That is where the idea that he could be the father reincarnated comes from; his incredible intellect and how sure he is in everything he does.

Was there anything in specific that inspired your Reader portrayal?

I felt like some of us needed a relatable depressed girl whose too tired of her meaningless job to fight the manipulation.

But I guess I drew a lot of inspiration from real life, and having battled a bit with mental health issues, I utilised that. I wanted the ending to be a bit ambiguous; so that we don’t know if she chose to stay or if she was “brainwashed” into staying. So, she needed to be displeased with life from the start, otherwise she wouldn’t want to leave her career.

Plus, cults often pray on people like her: depressed and disappointed in life. So it felt fitting 😊

Do you think your Reader complements Aemond?

I’ve thought about it and in a twisted way, yes, I think she compliments him (or his delusions haha). He uses his scar and the trauma he went through as a child as a way to manipulate his followers, and having the girl who (he thinks) wronged him by his side as a devoted partner helps him further reinforce his agenda as this outer worldly leader!

That’s one more thing that drives him marrying her: he thinks she’ll help in his selfish goals of gaining more power.

So really, she complements his end game.

Were there any other characters in your story you enjoyed writing?

Oh yes, I loved writing Alys and Helaena! They’re only the two other real ‘actors’ in the story but it was so fun exploring how their characters would translate onto this dark, modern setting.

Helaena being depressed in King’s Landing and finding solace in the country where she can pursue a life without the stresses of modern society felt realistic to the way I interpret her character; someone who craves connection to nature (actualised through her fondness of insects) yet gets pulled away from that and thrust into the chaotic mess that is the Targtowers.

And Alys being this highly intelligent PhD student in phytotherapy; having vast knowledge on plants and ancient healing practices! Gets charmed by the young and confident political science student (Aemond) who promises a better life under a brand new philosophy.

Do you think you will do a sequel to this story? Or a new piece you might post?

Hmmm no, at least not at the moment! I like the way it ended and feel like I don’t have anything else to add that would elevate the story… but if inspiration strikes I’m not opposed to the idea!

I’m currently writing a series called ‘Rumours’ that I think people who enjoyed ‘The Commune’ might like; it’s not a dark!fic but there’s plenty of angst and drama 👀

Do you have a personal favorite fanfic you'd like to share?

I am beyond excited for more of @theoneeyedprince Tom Bennett story ‘As the World Burns’ and @humanpurposes modern!Aemond story ‘It Will Come Back’

#iwaw18 #interview with a writer #ongoing series #iwaw #bts #of their brilliant writing #writing community #writer things #the commune

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femmeroi · 9 months

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You SHOULD talk about Manjoume Jun's queerness, he's an icon and that's an essay I'd love to read

I SHOULD !!! Jun is my (4th) favourite nasty dude hes so hes so hes o so so so. His gender game is so immaculate and he is only maybe a he/they on a good day. He’s playing 5d gender chess in a uno world. He has so many layers even he isn’t ready to pull them all back yet. His he/him pronouns are an unanswered prayer. He pays child support for masculine terms, they're all he has left after the divorce. I think he always has one foot in the closet, I don’t think he ever really got over his brother's abuse, and if he didn't have friends like Fubuki he’d never accept himself. Even when he accepts himself it's in a very limited way. He's flamboyant, he's unapologetic, he's afraid. To ME he is a nonbinary trans woman gay man, he's a faggot woman, and I think that's beautiful.

GX as a whole can be read in a very queer way when you consider the ties between familial relationships, duel spirit relationships, and personal acceptance. This tie is most obvious in Jun, who has a solid and obvious arc centering these three aspects. Even then, I feel like people often misinterpret or waterdown his. Everything.

Under the read more is a very long breakdown of my thoughts. If something doesn't make sense, sorry, I have divine madness and a fever.

I’m going to start off with his family, everyone knows them, everyone hates them, and everyone misunderstands them. People often fall into the belief that after his duel with Chosaku, Jun obtained some kind of absolute freedom from his family, often even saying he cut them off. I don’t believe this is entirely correct or incorrect, it’s a belief that's in the right direction while missing the nuance of his situation. Jun’s familial arc isn't about severing ties or escaping abusive structures, it’s about easing the pain by gaining respect. Jun still has a role within the Manjoume Group after his duel with Chosaku, the difference is that after their duel he got their trust. It’s with that trust he got a semblance of freedom, and I believe people often conflate that freedom with absolute liberation.

Jun still works for his family, he is still under their influence, they are just more hands off about it now than before. I say this because his role in the Manjoume Group clearly means a lot to Jun, this is seen through his displays of wealth and his insistence to be called “Manjoume” long after everyone is on a first name basis. He's even seen using the Manjoume Groups money and name to renovate facilities within the school, and if you think that's something an estranged family would allow I have. Serious questions. Like what's your estranged parents credit card number. His connection to the Manjoume Group is only reinforced in season four, where his intention isn’t to get away from his family rather it is to prove himself worthy to his family. His role in the Manjoume Group is also recognized by other characters, which shows that even publicly he is affiliated with them.

All that said, Jun’s brothers are still extremely controlling and abusive people. My dearest mutual (also the very person to send the ask. Hi friend <3) Ren Krakenshaped said one of the minor themes of GX is, “[The] negative influences in your childhood [and how they] can affect you liberating yourself from those negative influences.” I absolutely love the way they worded it and I can’t agree more. I’m putting this here not just to hype her up but also to expand on it in relation to Jun. While I believe Jun's familial arc isn't about absolute liberation, he still gets a semblance of freedom as I mentioned before. He's able to use the cards he wants and he has less pressure to be absolutely perfect, but he still acts as a representative for his family.

The pressure he's under is still present, showing itself in a lesser way through his self-deprecating comments, inferiority complex, and his fear of failure. I think it's important for people to recognize the presence and control that the Manjoume Group still has on him even after his moment of “liberation” against Chosaku. Not everyone can and not everyone will escape the negative influences in their life. There's a lot that can be done with the balance Jun has achieved with his family, but he still does have to play by their rules.

Now that I got the familial situation outlined, it’s time to talk about his duel spirits ! And I promise I WILL bring this all around to his queerness. I prommy. Hold on with me for another couple hundred words. Unlike Johan, Yusuke, and Judai, Jun didn't have some innate connection to duel spirits. His ability to see and interact with the spirits appeared later in life, more specifically during the worst part of his life up to that point. Jun was under pressure to be the perfect child, and then he got demoted from the Obelisk Blue dorms, and then he got stranded at sea, and then his deck got stolen. And at some point in all of that, he started seeing duel spirits.

I think two things were integral to his awakening, the first was his need to grow as a duelist, and the second was isolation. His need for growth comes from him failing to live up to his family's name, but the growth itself happens when his family is absent. After getting stranded at sea, Jun had no line of communication with his brothers, and he didn’t regain communication with them until he went back to the Central Duel Academia campus. On top of that the people in North Academy seem not to know- or care in case of the headmaster- about Jun’s family name. With this Jun is temporarily freed from the expectations his family and peers place onto him- and instead he is able to focus on growing in his own way. It’s at the North Academy Jun is able to solidify his persona, and it’s at the North Academy he is able to start building his own deck instead of using whatever his family provides.

His individualism and desperation leads him to Ojama Yellow, his need to keep his family life and dueling life separate leads him to the other two Ojama brothers, and his first steps in the professional field created the card Pride Shout. His growth as a duelist, and his relationship with his spirit partners, is linked to the distance he has from his family. His communication with duel spirits, while a physical reality in the show, also functions as a device to show Juns road to self actualization as he comes to terms with his own identity.

And then we get to the actual treatment of his duel spirits. It's made clear through the anime that he does like his duel spirits, and that they know it. He has several decks, not because he's some great duelist like Daichi, but because he cares for the spirits attached to them. And if a card has no purpose he will make them one- either through strategy or by making a whole new card out of pure will.

Despite all this, hes a fucking asshole to his duel spirits. He writes on their cards, he yells at them, he hits them, he throws them in the dirt. While a lot of this behavior is easy to write off as “typical tsundere Jun” or as a gag, I can't help but wonder what's so different between Fubuki, for example, and Ojama Yellow. They're both flamboyant, loud, and annoying. Maybe it's because Ojama Yellow is pathetic. Then what's the difference between Fubuki and the Dark Scorpions ? As a duelist, the decks function as an extension of his character, and his fate more often than not relies on their performance. All things considered, he should be treating them with respect.

I think, specifically for his deck, his distaste comes from the fact that they are an extension of him. Not because he has a horrifying inferiority complex, but because the spirits then function as a part of his identity that he can not control. He can choose the cards in his deck, for the most part, but he can not make the cards act in any specific way. And I don't necessarily think he wants to control how the spirits act, instead he happened to meet them during a time he had no semblance of control after spending years of his life curating a very specific image for himself and he had a hard time coping with the fact that everything he worked for may very well disappear soon if he doesnt start acting in a specific way once again. This is also why he starts being nicer to his cards in season four, the moment he gets his identity back, the moment he has a direction in life, he calls Ojama Yellow his ace. Love !

So like. Why did I say all of that ? Well, I feel like outlining how his familial relationship actually works and how he manages things like duel spirits is really important to understanding how he’d approach a queer identity- and thanks to bandit Keith homophobia is ambiguously cannon and I’m going to accept all the baggage that comes with. I see a lot of queer readings of Jun’s journey begin and end with Chosaku’s duel, or be reduced to “well the card's name is Pride Shout.” And that’s. Not it. To me, Jun’s queer journey never did begin. Not on the outside at least. The duality between his flashy attire and self image issues, the contrast between his free going deck and his need to uphold the family name, the lingering control that the Manjoume group has on him through Chosaku and through public perception, it all just feels so closeted to me. I love that Jun was able to find a part of himself, but he was never able to fully embrace it out of shame until the very last duel of his. I love how he holds onto fear even after that moment. I love how much Jun does without actually doing, I love how he found a way to be himself despite living under his family's expectations, I love how genuinely stifling it is for him, I love how he never stops trying anyway. I think his character is best served in the closet, I think he needs to leave his family, but I dont think it's that easy for him. It's really hard to grow past the negative influences in your life when you set them as your goal.

Anyway nonbinary trans woman gay man Manjoume Jun realness !

#If anyone reads all of this I'm sorry and we are married (divorce is possible)#I KNOW THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE I'M SORRY #I suffer with a disease. It makes it impossible to put words into writing. I will try anyway !

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loveyourlovelysoul · 10 months

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You don’t have to answer this but how long have you been trying to heal yourself maybe it’ll help me not feel so alone in my journey

Hey! I will answer you ofc, I don't have anything to hide. But... (I may be using "you" as a general you/y'all next)

First of all, I want you to keep in mind that there's not a fixed time-frame when it comes to healing, nor there's an age in which we do that. It's not like school and you need to start and end it in a certain amount of years/at a certain age to be considered "right" and "on time". There's not such a thing here. It takes the time you need as your own person: it depends on each one of us and our stories and how we deal with our feelings about our past in our present. And how it all reflects on our future (and anxieties about it). Honestly, it reasonably can take A LOT to reach a kinda mentally stable point, if you take a look at all this. I mean, it's BIG. You don't have to feel less or guilty if according to you it's taking you more than you thought or that you're supposed to. It's okay: also because the more you feel like you're needing to rush things or get to an end (I know it's painful but please hang in there and keep being patient cause it's gonna end, I promise you), or you feel inferior to others as they seem in a better position than you (you don't know their story nor when they started/how anyway, so please do not compare: surely there's someone who is feeling the same as you or about you even), the more stressed you'll be and the longer the process will take. The more we try to close chapters fastly with our past, to say "Okay I'm done here, next one", the more we'll find new triggers about the "same old thing"TM. And it's okay: to really understand, accept and realize what we went through, takes a lot of time and patience. It's not something we can learn and close over night. When it comes to our feelings it's never so. We may be spending, for example, months over a friend that moved on and suddenly disappeared from our life, pretending we didn't care (but the more we pretend and tell ourselves we don't care, the more it stays in our mind and heart), and that's okay: it means we need to realize something about that connection that we cannot accept and probably it's not just how it ended, but also something related to how it was, how we felt both on good days and bad days while we were in that friendship... and maybe move on to other relationships in our life, starting from the one with our parents and our classmates, other friends, colleagues, crushes, partners... What's the main issue there and how it moves inside of us? Feelings are complex, they also rot inside of us for years and years and grow with us, get mixed up with new ones, similar ones, different ones... it's crazy. But it's how it is. We cannot stop growing or making experiences before healing. We keep living also while healing (we have to). And we cannot start healing if we don't feel the need to.

And it's not an easy job to heal and also healing doesn't mean not being triggered anymore and being all good and great all the time: it means you start learning how to recognize your triggers and let them control you everyday a little less. Even on those days in which those stressing emotions will still get to you, you won't try to fight them but accept that those are just days as others, and they will pass too. You simply accept that you're tired/overwhelmed for any reason and that you can control your mind and decide what's best for you, so you take care of you, and try to be more compassionate and patient, and maybe take a break without feeling guilty. You're more open about your needs and find ways to meet them. And you know you can afford your trigger another time, you can talk with your mind, you feel more and more balanced. Life will always be made of positive and negative. It's how it is. And taking time to accept both of its sides and don't let the negative take over us and make us fall, is the thing we need to keep doing first and foremost. Also inside of us: we too are made both of bright and dark parts, and the dark parts need as much love too as they'r egenerally the hurt and scared parts of us. And taking them out of the dark is not easy, it takes time and gentleness, as with a scared child. It also takes the right moment for both.

Now, I've wrote a lot already so let me answer you :) I've always been someone who tries to understand more of herself and people and life in general, but if I have to say a time in which I told myself "Okay something is pretty wrong here, I do not deserve that and I definitely need to know more of what's behind all of it" I think it's around 2.5-3 years ago. Especially around 2 years ago after a bunch of big tough events in my life. The heavy healing part started there I think.

Anyway pelase do not feel alone. Here it's plenty of people healing, many have been through that for long, even longer than me probably. And even if it feels scary and this idea may make you want to give up, please don't. Keep doing it with patience, balancing healing with your life the best you can (you need time outs from it and talking with people, enjoying too), and I promise it will get faster and even occasionally easier. And it will get slowly better for sure. You'll notice it once you'll start reaching a more balanced emotional situation, but for now, endure through the storm as it will end. I'm here if you need support!

Take care<3

#asks #healing #it also takes time to realize what is the best way to heal for us #to deal with what happened and all #I personally tried to focus more on my feelings and understanding things #and avoided looking at how much time it's taking me to close chapters or heal something or comparing to others

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kkf · 1 year

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I’ve woken up with Ava Max’s “Sweet But Psycho” chorus in my head the last few days. My subconscious is definitely not trying to tell me something.

To be specific, it was the chorus:

Oh, she's sweet but a psycho

A little bit psycho

At night, she's screamin'

"I'm-ma-ma-ma out my mind"

Not the most comforting lyrics to wake up to. While contemplating my current mental health, I considered how my therapist would ask me to deconstruct that particular thought.

Which, because of my recent Buffy rewatch brain, eventually led me to think about how badly Buffy needed a therapist. In 144 episodes, she had only three brushes with mental health professionals. I’m going to set aside 6.14 “Normal Again,” because that not only does that episode merit its own post, but I also don’t have enough chocolate on hand to grapple with the mind fuck that is that episode. I’m just looking at 3.04 “Beauty and the Beast” and 7.07 “Conversations with Dead People.”

In season 3, Buffy is recovering from the implosion of her relationship with Angel. As a Bangel fan, it hurts me to write this, but the relationship from the point where Angel loses his soul is a metaphor for an abusive relationship (dude tries to kill her, her friends, her classmates, end the world…not a healthy route to take a relationship).

So as the season starts Buffy is traumatized from losing Angel and Jenny, as well as being the one who had to sacrifice the person she loved to save the world. After her three month sabbatical to LA, our girl CLEARLY needed some professional help to sort through everything. And for once, Buffy gets some of this help in the form of Mr. Platt, the school guidance counselor.

Buffy’s conversation with Platt is impressive when one considers how much ground he covers in such a short amount of time.

Of course, in true Buffyverse fashion, this help from a qualified professional only lasts about the 15 minutes it takes for him to become a victim of our latest monster of the week, a Jekyll-Hyde classmate whose own abusive relationship is meant to serve as a foil for that of Buffy and Angel. Buffy never gets professional help again. Until Holden, Buffy’s former classmate-turned therapist-turned newly risen vampire.

(Confession: I have a soft spot for Holden, because the actor who plays him was also in one of my favorite episodes of Firefly.)

Now Holden’s therapy session is an interesting blend of analysis and fisticuffs, as he IS a newly turned vampire and is, thus, evil. As he reminds us.

For this reason, Holden has a slightly more confrontational style when getting Buffy to open up. He challenges her, pushes her not to hold back. And as a result Buffy is open about her inferiority-superiority complex, which really, he says, is the root of the loneliness that Buffy feels. Being the Slayer makes her feel superior to her friends, however her performance as the Slayer makes her feel isolated and inferior. As Holden states, “it all adds up to you being alone.” But then goes on to argue that “everybody is until you die.”

Thinking about loneliness and isolation as recurring themes for Buffy, both of which are experiences trauma survivors tend to experience, I’m reminded about a recent YouTube short (which was originally a TikTok) that I saw which stated two pieces of food for thought. The first was that “the reason why we self sabotage is because it allows us to predict what is going to happen which gives us the illusion of control over our own pain” and the second was that “they’re not your type, they’re your pattern.”

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/fx12Lxxojvo

Buffy’s sabotaging patterns of behavior (choosing men who are centuries older than her for example, or men who she is in no danger of falling in love with) offer her the illusion of control over what kind of pain she is inviting into her life.

Additionally, Buffy’s patterns of behavior - the self isolation, the relationships she chooses, all of them work as ways of protecting herself. She chooses emotional isolation from her friends as a method of protecting herself from the possibility that they won’t understand the choices that she’s making or that they will call her out on repeating sabotaging patterns of behavior.

It’s not a coincidence that it’s someone outside her immediate social circle who calls her out on her pattern of choosing relationships where she doesn’t have to completely open up. As Holden is someone to whom she has weak social ties, Buffy is more likely to be receptive to new ideas coming from him than from someone within her close social circle.

Often, especially when starting therapy, the fact that the person you’re speaking with is someone who has no “horse in the race” enables a patient to be more open, not just to being completely honest with the therapist, but also to receiving feedback. With my own therapy experience, having a complete stranger validate that while my reactions to certain triggers were not disproportionate, they didn’t make me crazy. They didn’t make me broken.

I wish, looking back, that Buffy had more of an opportunity to interact with mental health professionals. The metaphor of the show is “growing up.” How much more interesting and helpful would it have been for young viewers to have seen that the patterns we can find ourselves in can be challenged. That we can change. That with a little help, we can stop feeling so “psycho.”

#buffy the vampire slayer #btvs #mental health #random #ramblings #therapy

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baileyjane3769 · 7 months

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Original Copy is on Quotev, for a better viewing experience and chapter by chapter reading head on over to my Quotev page @BobbyWolf3769 or click the link here

***

When a game is over and all hidden things have been found, what is there left to do? Move on. That's what you would have liked to have done after finishing the disappointing secret ending of a popular otome game. But when the story is over, and all things were said and done, you find yourself trapped in that very game. Faced with the task to keep everyone alive, can you make it to the end without falling in love?

Long read ahead

Chapter One

Secret Ending

There was no way that you could have predicted that a game so simple would lead you down this long and confusing path of love and murder. What originally started off as a typical Friday afternoon ended with you being stuck in the predicament you are currently in, and leads you to wonder if maybe you hadn’t been so obsessed with the darn game then maybe things would have ended differently.

The level of your obsession had amounted to you skipping lunch that day, sitting in an empty bathroom stall, your phone pulled out, and the game loaded in just so you could finish the current route you were playing. While normally you would consider yourself a good student who always found ways to study efficiently, get good grades, and listen to the simple rules that were given, you couldn’t help yourself this time as the feeling of completing yet another route in this game filled you with such contentment.

The male lead of this route wasn’t even your favorite out of the three possible capture targets, as his personality was less than favorable most of the time. “Annoying prick.” You gently spoke under your breath, careful as to not alert any teacher to your current transgression.

If not for your want to complete all endings then you wouldn’t have bothered with his, the first few encounters between him and Yui, the name you decided to give the protagonist, is probably to blame for your dislike for him. Fukumoto Akihiko, the son of a wealthy family who mainly deals their business in the sake industry, he was the type of character who seemed to have everything put together in his life. The top academic student in their school, a wealthy family who had lots of money to spend, and the looks to match.

Despite all of this, many of his peers described him as easy to talk to and quite charismatic but the one flaw that everyone could agree on was his tendency to be overly critical and harsh to those who he feels attempted to take his place as the top student. It is this tendency of his that has caused you to find him less than appealing as the first half of the developing relationship between him and the protagonist is one based on a practically one sided rivalry centered around his inferiority complex. You felt that in many ways his character comes off as too rude and self important, even after the revelation of his strained relationship with his father, you still couldn’t fathom why so many people out there found him to be appealing.

“Well,” you started. “At least I won’t have to deal with him for too much longer.” You think aloud as you continue to play your game, tapping the screen every so often to change the dialogue. You were almost finished with Akihiko’s route when you heard the all too familiar sound of clicking heels enter the bathroom. Shutting your phone off, you lifted your feet off of the ground and pulled them up to your chest.

“Y/n?” A familiar voice rang out in the deserted bathroom. Realizing it was just your friend, you let your feet fall back to the ground and made your way out of the stall you were currently in.

“Jeez Louise, Ashleigh.” You exclaimed. “I thought you were a teacher, don’t scare me like that.” Exasperated, you huffed out a response. She also looked started for a second before her eyes trailed down to the phone in your hands.

“Oh, so this is what was so important that you had to skip lunch for.” Her face held a playful smirk as she continued to tease you. “You can’t seem to put that game down. Careful now, you already look obsessed with it, one might even say–” Ashleigh held up her hand to her mouth, feigning shock. “—Addicted?”

Unamused, you playfully shoved her shoulder with your own smirk. “Yeah, whatever. You were just as bad when you started playing that DND styled otome game, remember? You went two whole days without sleep!” Her face went beat red with embarrassment as she let out the most horrified gasp.

“You promised not to bring that up again! Besides, that’s different! It was over summer vacation and my game has so much more involved in order to progress. I can’t just play dress up mini games to unlock more chapters like some people.” She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and turned her nose up.

“Whatever you say Miss High and Mighty. Anyways, we should probably get going before the bell rings.”

You said glancing at the blinking clock on your phone while also using your unoccupied arm to sling your book bag over your shoulder. “Oh shoot, you're right. That's why I came in here in the first place, so we could walk to class together.” Despite the constant bickering and light banter, you both would consider each other to be the best of friends.

“By the way,” Ashleigh began as you both exited the bathroom just as the bell rang to dismiss the D lunch students to the last class of the day. “Who's ending are you on now?” Your face held a deadpan expression as you recall your least favorite route.

“I’m on Akihiko’s route now, can’t say I’m enjoying it all that much.” She turned her head to you.

“Really? But isn’t he, like, good looking?”

You sputtered. “That’s not the only thing I’m attracted to Ash! Yeah, sure he’s got a good face but his personality is too contradicting. How can this man be ‘a charismatic prince’ who was voted student body president but then also be a total jerk-wad with how rude and stuck up he acts around the MC.” Ignoring the looks you would occasionally receive, you continued your rant which eventually turned into a discussion about the rest of the endings.

“So besides Akihiko’s route, as we both know how you feel about him,” You held back a quiet snorted laugh, “Is there anyone you actually like?” Ashleigh inquired, having made it to class, you both were seated and ready for it to start.

You hummed in thought. “Well, the game only has three obtainable love interests and their personalities are all kinda cliche.” Your friend nodded along as you talked. “There’s of course Akihiko Fukumoto, who is like this really smart and top of the class guy who gets along with everyone until the MC shows up and he goes all school rival on her because apparently she’s smarter than him. I don’t care for his character much.

Then there is Ryōta who is the delinquent bad boy of the school with a heart of gold. Apparently the reason he became a delinquent was because everyone around him was scared of him because he kinda has a resting mean face so everyone would avoid him.”

Ashleigh nodded her head. “As people do.”

“Right, so he falls for the MC for the fact that she shows no fear towards him and actually stands up against him but eventually comes to see the good side of him. Overall he ain’t too bad as he isn’t exactly rude to her but he can be a bit dismissive at times, this was probably my favorite route to play as it was fun to actually see a female lead who can somewhat fight.”

Ash hummed in thought. “That isn’t all that common in high school otome games.”

“Right? Anyways,” You waved your hand dismissively. “Lastly there is Fuyuhiko who is the playboy type and he is constantly surrounded by girls. The reason he fell for the female lead was because she would reject his flirty advances, you know the type who is always like ‘oh, she ignores me so I have to have her,’ type of guy.”

Ashleigh snickered at that. “Really? That’s insane.”

You laughed with her. “I know right. I mean he wasn’t all that bad but I have seen so many of these types, I don’t know, the game also uses many other cliches so I guess it’s not too surprising.” You shook your hand in a so-so way. “I mean if you take out the murder mystery plot then really it's just your average high school romance otome game.” You paused in thought for a second. “Hmm, actually I think there might be one more ending.”

“Oh?”

“Well apparently there is some secret ending that can only be obtained through various specific steps. This is only what I’ve heard from what people online say, so I’m not sure if it's real but when I’m done with Akihiko’s route then I’m gonna check it out.”

Ashleigh hummed in understanding. “Let me know if it is real, I want to know what it’s about.” You chucked along with her, taking out your notebook from your bookbag as the teacher just entered the room.

“I will, but we’re gonna have to talk about this later.” She nodded her head in agreement and you both turned to face the front of the classroom, ready for class to begin.

You figured you will have to finish your talk with Ashleigh tomorrow because it was already the end of the school day when you had a free minute and by then you had to board your bus that would be taking you home. “See you tomorrow Ash!” You said, waving goodbye to your friend who waved inturn.

“See ya, Y/n!”

You were glad that the journey home on the bus was a brief one as it meant more time to play your games. Not just the one you were currently playing, but a few other interesting ones that you had planned to play after all routes were finished. In fact, you were in your room when you decided to stay up the rest of the night to finish the game so that by tomorrow you could start playing the other ones you had planned, it was the weekend anyway. Ashleigh was right, you have been obsessing over this game for too long now. It was time to move on.

Despite what you may say about the cliche archetypes that continuously come up in both the plot and characters, there were still many aspects about the game that you genuinely enjoyed. Like many otome games alike, the concept of choices determining the outcome was ever present but unlike most other otome games, ‘Whispers of Love’ had an interactive ability to look around certain locations in order to look for clues to help solve the various mysteries that would come up. It was something that you had never seen in an otome type game before, which is what initially caught your interest in the first place.

Though after playing through almost every route, you were a bit disappointed with how the plot and characters turned out. Crime and mystery were one of its main selling points for you, but as the plot went on it became abundantly clear that the mystery behind the missing or murdered students didn’t matter as much as many trailers made it out to be. The annoyance you felt was immeasurable after finishing the first ending, and you still had no idea who the identity of the murder was.

“Finally.” You mumbled under your breath with a deep, slow sigh. You were finally finished with Akihiko’s route and could move on to the so-called hidden ending. With your eyes squeezed shut, you stretched both of your arms in the air, humming in satisfaction at the feeling.

The time was only 4:35 pm, still plenty of time to get through one more route. You weren’t sure how long it would take since many of the hidden endings that you played before had varied in length. If you had to make a guess, based on the length of the game, you would be playing well into the night. Which was fine since it was the weekend, a little late night gaming wouldn’t hurt.

The sun had already set by the time you finished with the game prologue and had a dinner break. From this point on was when the choices really mattered. The final ending that you are trying to achieve is a hidden ending that doesn’t show up anywhere on the game’s home screen, it doesn’t show up in the game’s picture album, not the trailer, it doesn’t even have a progression bar like the other endings do.

At first glance, the route is completely nonexistent. Luckily for you though, the internet exists, and with it you were able to first hear about the existence of the secret ending. An ending that was never promoted to the general public, and was believed to have been added with the games most recent patch.

You weren’t crazy enough to attempt it without a walkthrough video, that would take too long and you wanted to move on already. With the knowledge you gained after playing throughout every other route, you knew that you had to be careful as to not mess up, otherwise you would end up having to replay entire chapters.

It had greatly surprised you when Akihiko died. You didn’t think it was possible for a love interest to die in this game, especially for the fact that, until that moment, you didn’t think the choices you had made held any real significance.

The walk through was very specific in its instructions. At first, the video followed the basic choices that would lead to the independence ending, an ending that was achieved by having zero to little progress in all of the romance progression bars, it was the first ending that you achieved. Then it started being weird. So weird that at some point you began to wonder if this whole secret ending thing was just a big joke in the community, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t because the next thing you knew, Akihiko Fukumoto was dead. He was the first love interest to die.

The game only got stranger from there. Certain quest areas and vital clues became locked, the atmosphere around the virtual school changed, and one by one the remaining love interests died. The game’s interface also changed. The cherry pinks and romantic aura that it used to have was no more, instead it was replaced with crimson reds, dark hues, and many illusions to a murder scene.

At this point you were almost done with the game. All love interests were dead, and since most of evidence that was supposed to lead us to the culprit behind the murders was lost or never obtained, all that was left to do was to wait for the fire that would burn down the school a fire that would lead to the death of many students, including the last remaining friend of the MC, Akui Minato.

Minato’s character wasn’t an important one. Playing the part of the MC’s childhood best friend and close confidant. It was easy to tell that he liked the protagonist, and many speculated that he was a hidden love interest. A speculation that was quickly dismissed after his death at the end of the game. Nothing was ever confirmed, but people theorized that he was the one behind the murders, all because he loved the MC to an obsessive point. You hoped that wasn’t the case. Predictable endings were your biggest pet peeve when it came to just about anything. Nothing spoils a game more than predictability.

“How long is this going to take?” you muttered exasperated. It was already 7:20 something in the morning and you were tired. The prolonged lack of sleep was getting to you, eyelids were heavy, words on the screen were blurring together, and you were pretty sure you had read the same sentence five times already.

‘There isn’t even anyone else left, why is the ending taking so long?’ you thought to yourself. Playing a romance game with no more romance was becoming very boring, very quickly. By now, you were seated at your desk, the threat of falling asleep on your bed became too apparent to ignore, so you settled with the uncomfortable, wooden chair that sat in your room.

Your boredom wouldn’t last long, though, as the infamous school fire scene was now taking place. The beginning of the event typically started when the MC began getting too close to finding out who the culprit actually was. You thought that maybe there would be no fire, since there was hardly any evidence found to come to any clear conclusions, but a fire still happened.

Like in the many playthroughs you played before, an uncontrollable fire started in the music room, began to spread to several classrooms, and the entire school began to be evacuated. A sensible person would follow suit with all of the other evacuating students, but the MC was not sensible. At the first sound of a girl's cry for help the MC ran in her direction, yelling for direction in the smoke filled hallway.

Dumb. That was how you described her the first time you saw this. Heroic, sure, but dumb nonetheless. It shouldn’t be too surprising, seeing as she is literally a high school student going around trying to solve a murder mystery. But that was kind of why you liked her. She was a bold, but kind, person who wanted to help people, which is why someone had to pull her out of the fire before she got herself killed.

During the fire scene she would go around helping people escape and when she was ready to leave as well, she remembered the evidence that she had collected over the school year. This is when she would rush back in and would have almost gotten trapped if it wasn’t for the love interest of that route pulling her to safety. For the independence ending, since she wasn’t close to any of the capture targets, she got saved by a teacher, which is what you assumed would be the case here, but instead it was Minato who showed up on the screen.

‘Maybe he had a secret ending after all?’ you thought to yourself. ‘But doesn’t he die? Why would he be here? Unless…’ There was no need to finish the thought. Your worst fears had come to fruition.

As dramatic as that sounds, you were still very disappointed with the ending. After escaping the fire with Minato, the screen slowly fades to black, similar to the way a person's vision would blur and blacken when they faint. When the protagonist wakes up, as you expected, she is in a basement. Akui Minato was a yandere.

“Oh, for crying out loud--” You exasperatedly muttered, phone pushed away and head cradled between your hands. Of course he had to be a yandere. What other ending were you expecting? A secret ending where all other love interests die, evidence is lost, and Akui Minato, the childhood best friend, was the only one left alive in the end. It should have been obvious. It was obvious. A game where a girl is trying to solve the mystery behind the various murders that are happening around her. Where her childhood best friend is not a capture target, despite being visibly in love with her. Where the murderer is never found but the best friend dies at the very end. Of course Akui Minato was a yandere, it was obvious. Which is why you’re disappointed.

You inhaled a deep breath, dragging your hands up to your eyes, tiredly rubbing at them. At least she didn’t die, you thought. A bad ending, with all that build up, where every character, including the protagonist, ends up dead would have been a worse way to end the game. You exhaled.

Picking the phone back up, you played through the last part of the game, reading Minato’s crazy monologue with little care. It was pretty basic. Well, as basic as any yandere’s monologue could get. He went on, and on, about how he ‘couldn't live without her anymore.’ That he ‘dreaded the years that she was away.’ And of course he ‘wouldn’t let anyone get between them.’

“Typical.”

When the game ended, and you claimed the final ending picture, you closed out of it and turned your phone off. The sun was now rising and you were left to reflect on how you felt about it, it being a game that you had been obsessively playing for the past couple of weeks. You couldn’t lie to yourself, you were disappointed and dissatisfied with how the hidden ending played out. You have seen it done once or twice before and its novelty was beginning to wear off. At least it gave some meaning to Minato’s meaningless character. The game itself wasn’t down right bad, sure, there were a few plot holes in it, and sure, the characters were sometimes basic and cliche, but it wasn’t bad for a free otome game.

Slowly blinking, you tiredly stared at your desk for a second before saying, “Guess it’s time for bed.” Pushing your chair away from the desk, you sluggishly got up and crawled into bed, pulling the comforters over you.

Falling asleep wouldn’t be a problem since you had stayed up all night, but as soon as you felt the comforting embrace of sleep begin to take over, your mother called for you from downstairs, “Y/n!” Jolting up right, you scrambled to get to your feet so as to not leave your mother waiting. As you did so, your feet got tangled in the blankets, tripping you and sending your head downwards right into the corner of your bedside table, and with a sickening, THUD, You sprung awake. Like a dream where you were falling, your body abruptly shot up in bed. The pulse of your heart was rapid and a cold sweat wafted over your body. It was just a dream. You told yourself.

***

A/N: Thank you for taking the time to read my first published original story on this account. In my time as a writer was always based on fanfiction around other people's stories and characters, but I have my own ideas that I wanted to share as well. I feel kind of worn out from writing fanfiction and find it more draining and less fun than I did when I first started. I have no intention of ever discontinuing any of the fanfics that I have started, I even have several chapters in the works, but right now I want to focus on my own writing. There are several things I need to work on and improve when it comes to my writing but I hope that I can create something here. It has been a few years and I can safely say that I am still fixated on isekai based stories, literally most of my original story ideas are isekai based. I really love the genre and the fish out of water feel that the reader has to over come as well as seeing the reader try and stay out of the original characters lives but still end up mixed in it all. This chapter probably needs a bit more editing before I can say that I am completely satisfied with it but I am proud of it. I know there might be a lot of info-dumping in this first chapter, I might remove some less important things later, and I didn't even go into the main conflict yet and I apologize for that. In my research to be a better writer I have come to learn that an uninteresting first chapter with too much exposition can turn off many readers but I promise that this will probably be the only chapter like this. Chapter updates will probably be inconsistent because I do most of my writing when I have breaks during school or on the weekends, which isn't a lot of time for me to write so it can be hard to get out full chapters, this chapter alone took me a few months to finish but I hope to be quicker with my writing now that I have the frame work fleshed out slightly. Thank you again for reading this and I hope you can give it a heart and comment, just try and be nice, I hope every reader can give my story a chance and continue to follow along with my story and my characters.

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journaltoremember · 7 months

Text

Tangled Threads of Time

I still remember every detail vividly.

While some may argue about the concept of first love, mine struck when I was just 14, smack dab in the middle of my 8th grade year. It all began the moment I laid eyes on him—a visiting student from another school. He was tall, with a sharp nose and sun-kissed skin. Getting to know him seemed like an impossible task, but his name tag provided the key: Damar.

With determination, I tracked down his messenger account and initiated conversation. After months of stealthy investigation, I finally mustered the courage to chat with him. Our first encounter was like a blind date, orchestrated in a mall far from my neighborhood. Yet, there he was, and there was I, sharing a moment that would become a milestone in my life—he stole my first kiss. Little did I know, it was also my first, and only, foray into the world of being a mistress. Honestly, at that age, I didn't fully grasp the gravity of the situation. We were just kids, navigating the complexities of our budding emotions.

I don’t quite remember all the details of the date, but one conversation stands out vividly in my memory. As I gazed at his face, captivated by its beauty, I noticed something particularly striking about his eyes. "I like your eyes. There's something... It's sharp. And I like it," I mustered all the courage I had to convey my admiration. His smile, which remains etched in my mind even now, lit up his face. "I've heard that before. Thank you," he replied, a hint of pride evident in his expression. "I like your scent," he added. I couldn't help but smile in return. And that was it—nothing more. It wasn't the most romantic of dates, just two adolescents trying to navigate their burgeoning feelings, perhaps their desires.

Shall I delve into the details of my first kiss? It wasn't profound, but it left an indelible mark on my heart. For the first time, I felt needed, desired, beautiful—or maybe not beautiful, perhaps even ugly. Yet, the touch, the teasing, the kiss—intense sensations that sent butterflies coursing through my body from lips to chest and settling in my stomach. It was a moment I'll never forget, a transformative experience from childhood to the innocence of teenage years. And it's a moment I'll cherish forever.

As time flowed on, our communication dwindled, and I assumed we were destined to drift apart, never to cross paths again. But fate had other plans in store for us. Now, as I reminisce, I can't help but wonder: does he remember all the details as vividly as I do?

***

Time passed, and I graduated from junior high school, eagerly anticipating the start of my senior high school adventure. However, one thing weighed heavily on my mind, even keeping me awake at night: Damar ended up at the same school as me. Was it merely coincidence? I couldn't help but wonder.

Throughout my first year of senior high school, I chose to feign ignorance of his presence. I felt a sense of shame, unwilling to divulge the history between us to anyone. I kept it locked away, buried deep within the recesses of my heart. Every glimpse of him sent my heart racing, even from a distance. The mere thought of encountering him filled me with dread. I understood all too well the source of my anxiety; it stemmed from feelings of insecurity and inferiority, fueled by the belief that I wasn't attractive enough. Even to this day, I still perceive him as being out of my league.

Life seemed to smile upon me as I entered my second year, gradually gaining confidence. I reminded myself that if there was nothing left between us, why should I feel ashamed or anxious? The discomfort of being around him slowly ebbed away. Yet, remnants of attraction lingered—a flutter in my stomach at the sight of his figure, his smile, his mannerisms. It was during this period that I finally found peace in myself and his presence, accepting him as a good friend.

But a question nag at me now: why did he exhibit the same awkwardness as I did whenever we crossed paths? To be candid, I harbored no expectations. I never wished for him to view me as someone who once sparked his interest. Yet, there must be a reason for the awkwardness, a reason that I have yet to uncover or even attempt to seek out, even to this day.

***

The encounters persisted. It wasn't quite a romantic relationship, yet it didn't feel entirely platonic either. I harbored strong feelings for him. We shared common interests, but it seemed we were both too complex as individuals to ever truly come together. I've often pondered why we never pursued a relationship.

Upon graduating from high school, we went our separate ways to different universities. However, every now and then, we would cross paths and become intimate. I vividly recall one occasion where, after meeting him, my lips were visibly swollen. When my mother inquired about it, I could only muster, "Allergic, I guess," as an excuse. Could it be that despite the absence of flames, our desire burned so intensely? It always felt electrifying. I never broached the topic of 'us' with him, as if it somehow felt inappropriate. I just let it be, yet strangely, there was no weighty burden in doing so.

Our conversations often revolved around our respective significant others. I remember him sharing details about his relationship with his stewardess girlfriend, how he was eager to marry at a young age while she hesitated. Naturally, I simplified the story, unable to recall every detail. I was there for him, or perhaps for myself. I shared my own tales, although they seem inconsequential now. But he listened attentively. I often assumed he was there more for himself than for me.

Our intentions were always transparent—we both craved intimacies, and our paths always seemed to converge at just the right moments to fulfill those needs. Yet lately, a question has been nagging at me: why did I never truly give it a chance? How could a mere acquaintance provide the comfort I yearned for so desperately, especially when it was always him?

***

Years have flown by, and we ceased our previous interactions. There was no formal agreement, just a mutual understanding of when to continue and when to stop. And so, we stopped. Occasionally, we would run into each other in town, by chance. It was our custom to behave as though there was nothing between us, as though we didn't share a common history. My feelings for him gradually shifted. Whereas before, I had looked up to him with admiration, now I felt nothing. He was simply an old friend, and it felt genuine.

Then came the day when our meetings suddenly began to feel peculiar. They were nothing personal, merely casual encounters, or so I told myself. Yet, I felt a sense of doom looming over me. The sparks between us still lingered—his eyes, his subtle gestures, his zest for life all reminiscent of the first time we met. That awkwardness persisted, mingled with an odd sense of comfort. Indeed, it was comforting. However, it was also the first time I allowed myself to be completely open in front of him. I didn't try to be polite or guarded; I presented myself as an open book. It was liberating, yet frustrating at the same time.

Perhaps I need closure of some sort. A simple conversation might suffice, I suppose. But I'm not sure if my need for it is pressing at the moment. Or perhaps I should simply let it fade away, allow it to be. Maybe it's time for me to stop now.

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salmonellr · 9 months

Note

Moon (☽): Which yandere aesthetic(s) do you resonate with? Pastel? Guro/gore? Dark?

Mercury (☿): How did you discover yandere/obsessive love/etc. community? What has your experience of having a yandere blog been like?

Venus (♀︎): What is your relationship with your darling(s)? What initially drew you to them? Were your feelings sudden or gradual?

Mars (♂︎): How do you deal with "rivals" or those that wish to covet your beloved, if at all?

Neptune (♆): Would you say you are more dominant or submissive to your darling? Also, god complex or inferiority complex?

Pluto (♇): Have you always had obsessive/possessive inclinations or did you develop them from your current darling? When did you to realise you were a yandere?

moon : my favourite yandere aesthetic is usually soft yandere, but then depending on how i feel i like guro too and look at a lot of it and think about it a lot lol

mercury : i think the first time was when i saw someone talking about the tumblr yandere community as like a problem, but all i could think seeing that was wow that’s so me lol. a few years later i started a vent journal to get out all my thoughts and thought it’d be cool to post it cause then i could find like minded people and see their posts too. i’ve loved having a yandere blog it’s been super positive, everyone i’ve talked to here has been so nice <3

venus : he’s my friend, and he says i’m his best girlfriend so there’s that loll. honestly initially i just thought he was super pretty and was interested in him based on that, but then i got closer to him and he started saying about how he cares about what i’m saying (when nobody ever does) and protected me from people and suddenly my chest hurt whenever he spoke to someone else and i’d spend all my days looking at him and just everything everything everything. so i’d say my feelings were fairly gradual

mars : i do anything i can to get some distance between them, or get them out of the picture entirely. with my previous boyfriends i’d just ask them to block girls i don’t like, but with him well given that we’re close talking bad about them already kind of deals with it as he ends up talking bad about them too. if i know any bad secret they have i’ll tell him, or if that’s all not an option i have to be more creative (one time i got a girl to start smoking cause smoking is a dealbreaker for him)

neptune : definitely more submissive and inferiority complex lol, he’s my world my everything and i’d do anything for him, i just want to treat him like a god like he deserves

pluto : i think i’ve always been obsessive, i remember even in middle school the boy i liked borrowing my ruler and me later at home licking it. it probably all has something to do with things i’ve been through. i think it was when my love got so much that i started stalking my darling that i really realised how obsessive i am, and it only got more and more from there

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mrthoughtbubbles · 1 year

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youtube

I'm having a hard time sleeping again this morning, so I thought I'd post about a film that inspired me to write. The title of the film is P.S. I Love You, and I faintly remember watching it in the movie house with the first lady I tried to court. The film is about a couple and the guy died at the start, but he left messages and gifts for her wife in order for her to move on with her life. I think the said movie had an impact on her because when she left the country to live with her dad, she was the one who initiated the first letter. I was ecstatic to receive one and we started writing to each other whilst talking on Yahoo! Messenger at the same time.

Sadly, I don't have the said letters anymore because I gave her back all the letters that she wrote to me. Be that as it may, the feeling of getting a letter was very touching for me that I started writing essays to the third lady I tried to court. I didn't write essays for the second lady I tried to court because I don't know if she'll like it or even read it because she'll most likely run away. Going back, I didn't receive any reply, but the act of writing the said essays made me happy, and in my head, I thought that if I consistently kept trying and trying, she'll like me and I'll be part of her day, but I'm now having doubts about my thought process, and I feel that I need to do something more than that, but I can't put my finger as to what I need to do to improve. Anyways, going back to the third lady I tried to court, I stopped after almost 2 years of trying because of stark differences in opinion with regard to certain topics. I'm somewhat conservative and she had a rebellious vibe in her. I stopped because I didn't want to control/influence her actions, and I thought that she'd thrive if I left her alone. From then on, she stopped having tattoos and piercings. I hoped that she’ll get more because that will make her happier and my opinion doesn’t really matter on what should make her happier.

I kind of assumed that she might be reading my messages and reacting based on posts, but if the lady doesn’t give a direct reply, always think it’s for someone else and not for you. I learned that the hard way when the First Lady I tried to court said that she was happy. I thought I did something to make her happy, but from what I recall, she said that another man made her happy. I don’t remember if it was a classmate of mine or another friend of hers. From then on, I’d always think that there’s someone else that will always be better than me in any way, which reveals that I have an inferiority complex. I’d always feel that I’ll never be enough.

Nowadays, I just write messages to the people I want to befriend. I tried writing messages to my fellow men, but I had the impression that they thought I like them for some reason, so I only write to the ladies. Plus, I don't have a lot of female friends, which I am really insecure about, since I grew up in an all-boys school, at that time when I was growing up. I feel that I need to learn a lot from other ladies' opinions with regard to a wide range of topics, even though I have 3 sisters that I know (I haven't met my 2 other younger sisters). I don't like asking my sisters about relationships and all because they'd get protective of me and I won't get a good answer from them.

Anyways, I've been rambling about anything that went into my mind as I'm writing this blog of mine. It's nice to be able to sort out my thoughts in a somewhat orderly manner.

youtube

#Youtube

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straycatboogie · 1 year

Text

2023/05/13 English

BGM: Sunny Day Service - サマー・ソルジャー

Today I worked early. This morning, following my inspiration, I listened to Flipper's Guitar again. Once I had enjoyed the music by this Flipper's Guitar again and again when I was a high school student. They are simply cool for me. In their first album "Three Cheers For Our Side", they sing their tunes in fluent English. This means that they are so smart that they can "use" the influence from various English music as their creation sources, therefore cool for me. They even did a certain "revolution" by doing a brand new trial. And that fashionable and sophisticated action affected me certainly as increasing inferiority complex as a uncool country person. Why? Why am I such a uncool dude? I even thought like this... but it was just a too "simple" understanding. I should learn from them as "being ourselves are enough to be cool". They chased or dug what they wanted to do honestly and dutifully. As a result, they made a few evergreen masterpieces.

Ah, once I was controlled or possessed by a certain jealousy to them. Because they spoke English so fluently that they showed their intelligence too well. Cool... Yes, once I was just a coward to express myself in English. "Why does such poor English as mine deliver something to the world?", "I am really a countryside dude therefore have to be ashamed". Indeed, those bias was silly. I could express myself in English naturally, not being ashamed or jailed in shyness. I should say my truth to the world because that is a meaning of being in this world. Yes, I can get ashamed by mistakes. But through those mistakes, I could get many things. I shouldn't spend my time in a bedroom with thinking or worrying a lot... and I get surprised what I am writing like this. Yes, we can change ourselves and start a new life... Me, that change has been brought by trustable people. On MeWe and in the real world, friends said to me "disco cat, your English is bloody well written" and "your English is neat". Those comments let me start using English bit by bit... and now, I am sinking into a kind of really infinite "blackhole" of English. Facing this hole, my life seems going on and on.

I don't want you to misunderstand. Yes, I am certainly expressing myself in English every day. But I never think that English is absolutely more sublime or extreme language than Japanese. And I also don't stand by its opposite one. Japanese has so many great aspects in it (sometimes people say English is crisp, but I accept that Japanese also can have possibilities to do logical works as philosophy and literature). I can read Haruki Murakami, Junichiro Tanizaki, Kobo Abe and Yukio Mishima in Japanese. That's glad to me. I find that some Japanese are thinking about using English as a too "ideal" action because Japan is just an isle, therefore a kind of closed nation. So Japanese use some strange and funny English. Like Japanese pop music and social scene as "Go To Eat". But I don't want to say "that shows how Japanese is foolish" (we can find many funny Japanese in the world). I just recommend to use English without controlled by that kind of weird bias.

People might say that you could be useless if you are not fluent in speaking English. But I am afraid of misunderstanding an important truth by cheated by that kind of "public" pressure. Me, I just trying to "enjoy" learning English. It is primary pleasant, and will tell me a lot of things so I learn it. But some cynical people could say to me "Oh, you are really an upbeat and daydreaming person! Look at the severe reality". Yes, my learning would be just a playing by the eyes of the people who are trying to survive every day seriously... then, I just say that I will follow this learning as a lifelong playing. This is "my way"... and my life must be this kind of "daydreaming" one. I just do playing during my life, therefore completely separated with the life of a global successful business people who work in their fields in 24 hours. I will live freely, loosely and follow what I believe. And I guess that is an important lesson Flipper's Guitar taught to me through their attitude.

#diary #online diary #tumblr diary #journal #english

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wordchivebyciel · 1 year

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Why I started working out again

I started working out again because I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say “I’m so proud of you.” I stopped working out before because I felt like a failure, I was so lazy to move my body and I just wanted to lay on bed all day and do nothing. I’m not gonna lie, when I was younger, I was thin enough not to worry about my body image too much-- but as soon as puberty hit (and hormones kicked in) things changed drastically! By high school my body had changed dramatically from what it had been before puberty began; by then I’d gained a lot of weight around my hips and my thighs while losing muscle mass elsewhere on my body (especially in my arms that up to this day I’m still working on). Over time this led me down to episodes of unhealthy path of binge-eating and not doing any physical activities-- I would eat anything I wanted without thinking twice about how bad it may affects on my body. I was not being mindful of what I eat or how many calories it contained because food is giving me ‘Instant Gratification’ whenever I feel down or lonely. But then something happened that really affects my self-esteem. Growing up I developed an inferiority complex because of the following: - I was so insecure - I don’t have the confidence to wear what I want. - I’ve been struggling to find a suitable dress that fits my body frame. - I often received body shaming even tho as a joke from my friends especially guys friends (this was from high school). - I was unattractive because of hormonal acnes. - My classmates started calling me names like (’Chiki Yawat’) Tigyawat in english is Acne so they incorporated my name to Acne. (total dip shit) - Even my relatives talk negatively about how I look and what my body looks like. - I was being compared all the time in terms of everything. Basically, my teenage life was a nightmare. It really affects me up until today at 26 what a bummer. I got tired of self-sabotaging. That’s my turning point.. I have to make a change and this time PARA SAKIN NA, I don’t need any validation anymore. Big thanks to Chloe Ting for helping people like me to lose weight and get in shape by following her free workout programs online. At first glance, I know it will be difficult for me. But, it didn't stop me for trying (wala naman mawawala diba?) and Thank God I keep going. (I deserved a pat in the back). Over a year by following her work out program, I noticed a lot of positive changes in terms of my overall health. I gained a lot of strength and a little bit of muscle mass (so smol okay) and most importantly my mental clarity has improved a lot. I am still a work in progress, I’m still trying a few different things that can potentially work on me. One thing’s for sure is that I WILL NEVER GO BACK FROM MY OLD HABITS. xoxo, Ciel

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akaashinova · 3 years

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no it’s the first day of school stop this

also @kitacharm he’s talking about you in our math class

#bitch leave me alone for a bit #you don’t get to start my inferiority complex on the first day of school #you’re not allowed #ugh he’s a pain help me

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moemoemammon · 3 years

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may i request hcs for a poly mc?

Poly!MC with the Demon Brothers!

(GN!MC as always✌️)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

He will never get over the fact that he's got to share you with his annoying ass brothers. But as the most patient(?) of the seven, he's learned to compromise

And by 'compromise' I mean literally making a schedule for how much time everyone gets with you, to avoid unnecessary fights. They all get you for an entire day, on a respective day of the week in chronological order. (Lucifer on Sunday, Mammon Monday, etc)

Though... we all know he abuses the system by making excuses like "MC, I need you in my office for a moment. I'd like to discuss your grades." and "Come with me for a moment, MC. I'd like you to explain something to me."

Basically he fools everyone by making it sound like you're in trouble, when he literally just wants to hang out with you some more. Maybe he can convince you that all you really need is him..? Jk he respects your decision even if it eats him alive because why his brothers of all people-

"As much as I don't understand your choice, I've lived with those six long enough to know how to deal with them. That being said... I also know how to keep them at bay. We'll have plenty of time to ourselves, hm?"

Mammon

The only brother that can see through Lucifer's ruse, but he can't say anything about it because... come on, it's Lucifer we're talking about.

But that's not stopping him from arguing about that dumb schedule! Why's he got to wait until MONDAY, which is a SCHOOL DAY, just to hang out with you?? Why does he have to go second when he was your FIRST???

Keeps trying to convince you to skip classes with him so you can sneak away and spend the day together. Nobody's got to know, okay?

The whole once-a-week thing teaches Mammon the importance of time management, so he's making the most of the time he's got when you're all his. He's taking you on all sorts of dates and there's no way he'll take no for an answer, got it??

"Oi! What did I tell ya about makin' those goo goo eyes at Levi, huh?! Only look at ME like that, understand? Just you wait, I'll take ya on a date so great, you'll only be able to think about THE Great Mammon! ....Huh? Y-yeah, I want ya to hold my hand."

Levi

Tuesday has officially become his favorite day, for reasons that have nothing to do with the upcoming Ruri-chan themed maid cafe event going on soon-

Tuesday's actually used to be his raid days, when he’d get online with his rpg buddies and do dungeon runs until dawn. But now? He's sacrificed all of that just so he can take the time to enjoy being with you

He may not know much about traditional dating, but don't underestimate the power of an otaku with centuries of dating sim knowledge under his belt-! He'll show you so much moe, your head will pop!!

Just be patient with him, okay? He's seriously trying to be romantic here, even if the thought of holding your hand is enough to make his palms sweaty. But he's not passing up an entire day filled with MC-! Not even his inferiority complex will get in his way!

"Eheheh... I've spent all night coming up with the perfect plan of action! First! We're going to have a TSL marathon of all your favorite episodes! Second! We'll speedrun that game you wanted to play, because I bought it! Third! We'll make a TSL-themed dinner to enjoy in my room! Then, we- ..Huh? What do you mean there won't be enough time? S-seriously?!"

Satan

Wednesday... well, that's right in the middle of the week, so it gives him plenty of time to carefully plan what he wants to do with you when it's his turn to have you. (He also does everything in his power to ruin Lucifer's dates oop-)

We all know Satan's gonna write a whole ass dating journal filled with all sorts of romantic ideas he wants to try out on you.

It's a literal date planner, and he's got things meticulously scheduled just to ensure he makes the most out of your day. You'll have to tell him that you prefer to go with the flow, or he might get a little overzealous-

But having a chance to settle down and realize that it's alright to relax once in a while is a relief. He can't help but feel annoyed when he sees you with the others, and it makes him want to cram even more of himself into your thoughts, so a breather is definitely needed.

"You know, I've been reading more books of the romance genre lately, and it's been giving me ideas for how to spend my time with you. I know you said I shouldn't take live advice from a novel, but... when I read the stories, I can't help but picture the two of us. Shall we read some of them together?"

Asmo

Thursday?? Why couldn't he have a weekend??? Everyone knows there's nothing fun happening on a Thursday night... That being said, Asmo has to get creative!

He's no stranger to improvised romance, so this boy pulls out all the stops and always delivers?? Somehow???? He can plan the perfect date in under thirty minutes-

And the time away from you makes him realize that he actually has to consider the depth of those dates. He finds he's not satisfied with cheap, devilgrammable dates anymore. He wants substance!

So he's taken to staying home with you, carefully and quietly getting to know you, and sharing himself with you. He loves it best when the date leaves him craving more and thinking of nothing but your smile. He hopes you can say the same, too.

"...Aaand that's how you do a cross stitch! Levi taught me that one, and it's saved my life a dozen times! It was a great idea that we should make matching wallets, huh? I'm just FULL of ideas like that! Go ahead and praise me all you want~!❤️"

Beel

Madame Screams does a discount on their sweets every other Friday, when they rotate their stock. He couldn't be happier! Though, he’d be fine with any day of the week tbh-

That doesn't mean he doesn't value his time with you, though. It being close to the weekend means he gets to stay up late with you, the two of you sneaking into the kitchen at night to smuggle away a mountain of snacks

Or he'll take you out into the mountains for a picnic, hoping the view of the surrounding scenery and your face will curb his appetite.

He couldn't be happier to have you for an entire day. A whole day, where hunger is just an afterthought and all he cares about is making you laugh... It makes him happy. He's starting to love Fridays even more now.

"Are you sure you're not tired? We've been hiking for a while....Here, hop on my back. I don't mind it. It's nice when I get to be close to you like this....Hm? My face is red? I think it's the heat.. maybe."

Belphie

Saturday, huh? Perfect. He preps for the weekend by sleeping as much as possible on Friday, so he can stay up all Saturday with you.

And when night falls? That's when his plan really comes into play. He spends the entire day doing the things you want to do, making sure you're thoroughly worn out so when it's time for bed, he has no problem coaxing you into bed with him.

And he's exhausted at that point so once he wraps his arms around you and falls asleep, there's no escape. The longer you're stuck there, the less time he spends glaring at Lucifer for stealing you on Monday.

But really.. the highlight of it all is the big, goofy grin on your face when he watches you indulge in the things you love. Even if it might not be his cup of tea, he's just happy that you're happy. And if he can keep you away from Lucifer, it's a win win.

"If you keep smiling like that, it'll make it even harder to give you away tomorrow. But you know.. we could just run away for a day or two. We could go camping somewhere, and stare up at the stars all night long. It'll be our secret."

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amane-by-together · 3 years

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Umbrella for the Autumn Rain || Teru Minamoto

genre: ???

pairing: teru minamoto x female! reader

summary: teru and [name] used to be close as children until years go by [name]'s inferiority complex got the best of her making her avoid teru. will she finally face head-on to her childhood friend?

Unforgivable.

[Name] watched from afar while Teru slains the supernatural so flawlessly, he moves his katana as if it was a part of him. Teru is an expert when it comes to exorcising evil spirits which envied her since she cannot do the same as him. He can even produce black lightning that seemed almost impossible to do.

Teru was her childhood friend. Both of their families knew each other due to being exorcists. The two of them had worked together, exorcising countless supernaturals until the present time. Practically, they grew up together yet how come Teru was better than her?

As [Name] notices his excellency throughout the years, she decides to distance herself from Teru to improve her skills as an exorcist by herself and hoping to surpass him one day. Teru and [Name] often work late at night, depending on which type of disturbance they were tasked to vanish. No matter how many days she trained to master her skills, Teru was always one step ahead of her.

“[Name], I need a hand.” Teru called.

“Got it.” She replied, running towards him to see what he needed help with. “Do you want me to freeze him for a while?”

“That’ll be great, thanks!”

[Name] unsheathed her katana and stabbed the supernatural as it slowly freezes till it cannot move anymore. Teru sliced the supernatural with full force before it disappeared in black smoke. He sighed happily when the job was done for the night. “I’m kinda hungry,” Teru mentions, putting his sword back to its scabbard. “Do you wanna grab something to eat before going home?”

“No.”

Teru chuckled. “Cold as ever, [Name].”

“Was that a pun?” [Name] asked, not amused by the joke he made.

“It wasn’t intended.” Teru wiped his jaw using his knuckles. [Name] shakes her head, she has no time for eating with her childhood friend and she needs to train for their next exorcism together. [Name] despised her parents for making them work together all the time, especially when they compare how good Teru is as an exorcist.

[Name] remembered when she and Teru went to the Star Festival together a few months ago. She can still recall what she wrote on her tag before hanging it to a tree. She wished that her relationship with Teru could go back to its normal state instead of what they currently have. Ever since the festival happened, both of their bonds are slowly regressing to their state when they were children.

“I have to go now Teru.” [Name] picked up her katana and sheathed it back to the scabbard. “Make sure to walk home safely.”

“[Name], sweetie.” Her mom placed their dinner on the table. “You and Teru-kun seem to be kind of off lately, is everything alright between you two?”

“Everything’s fine, I guess…” [Name] answered. She couldn’t tell her mom that she was evading Teru since then. The time she will be approaching him head on once she feels like she can surpass him. During her train of thoughts, a certain wonder came across her head.

How does Teru feel about her? Did Teru ever notice their relationship changing? They used to be so close but now they hardly have anything to talk about. And it’s all because of [Name]’s inferiority complex towards Teru.

The next day after that, [Name] usually avoids Teru in school but she does talk to him when he asks something about academics. Even at school, he’s always better than her and it's frustrating her even more. “[Name]!” The female turned around and saw Teru walking towards her, waving his hand. “I was wondering if you’re free later at night since I needed help in defeating this supernatural.”

“...I’m not going to join later.” [Name] crosses her arms, looking in the other direction.

“Huh? But you usually don’t miss it, right?” Teru questions, getting confused at her unexpected reply.

“Teru… I said I’m not.”

“[Name]-”

[Name] clenched her fist and slammed it against the wall in disheartenment, causing Teru to flinch at the impact. “I’m not going to go later!” she shouted. Good thing they’re alone in the classroom or else some student might interfere. “I don’t want to!”

Teru was shocked, this isn’t the first time [Name] got mad at something. [Name] retracted back, holding her arm in dismay and looking at Teru one last time. “S-Sorry, I don’t feel like talking right now… I need to be alone…” [Name]’s voice slightly cracked, then hurriedly ran away from Teru.

“[Name]... What’s wrong?”

You’re being a burden, [Name].

Why can’t you be like Teru more?

Are you scared of what he might do when he realizes you’re avoiding him?

Running away from Teru is the one preventing her from changing. A measly little wish from the tag won’t work if you don’t do something about it. If [Name] is going to distance herself from Teru a little longer, she won’t be able to make things right ever again.

[Name] does not fear supernaturals, even the sickening looking ones and the ones who brought the biggest of curses. But facing Teru head on, is her biggest fear. Just thinking about talking to Teru made her stomach sink.

“I wish Teru and I were more honest and closer with each other.”

That’s what she wrote from her tag from the Star Festival. [Name] knows she’s the only one who can make it come true. “I made my decision. I’m going to talk to Teru.”

The rain started to pour heavily, grey clouds enveloping the once blue sky. [Name] quickly placed her bag above her head and ran to a nearby shed. A lump formed inside her throat, then tears started to run down to her cheeks. She squatted down to the ground and continued crying, hating herself for not changing and hating herself for avoiding Teru.

“I didn’t think you’d be here.”

[Name] looked up and saw Teru, standing there and putting an umbrella above her head. “Teru? Why… why?” She asked in a soft whisper. If only Teru knew that she reminded him of the sun after the rain but she was too prideful to say it out loud. Her face was full of regret at that very moment. How dare he treat her with kindness even though she treated him like he doesn’t exist?

“[Name], come on.” Teru gently takes her hand and helps her stand up. Looks like the students weren’t wrong when they said that he looks like a prince. “Let’s get you home, it’s raining.”

No matter how many times [Name] has pushed Teru away, or even avoided him to an extent, he’s always by her side. Teru was trying so hard to get their closeness back, and yet [Name] was being stubborn of not letting him. [Name] started to tear up once again. “[Name]? Are you okay… did I make you mad again..?”

“...Teru I’m sorry…” [Name] cried. “I’m so sorry…”

Teru smiled slightly at her. “I know…”

Teru decided that [Name] should stay at his house until the rain stops. Her mom brought the key with her so [Name] couldn’t go inside her house. It’s been a while since she went to their house so some furniture arrangements had changed from what she remembered.

Both teens sat there in silence, mentally asking who's going to break the awkwardness. “... I apologize for what happened recently Teru.” [Name] spoke, remembering that she shouted at Teru that she didn’t want to go exorcising with him. “It’s time for me to look you in the eye and be honest.”

“I’m sorry… what?” Teru questioned, his tone was a bit dreadful which surprised [Name]. He’s always been so fearless, at least that’s what she thought by looking at him. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve developed an inferiority complex because of you.” [Name] started to speak, trying to let her feelings from her chest go. “You were always better than me whether it was about academics and exorcism. I didn’t want to be compared to you, I just don't want them to rub it in that you’re better than me…”

“I started to distance myself so that I can improve myself. Then one day I’ll be able to surpass my parent’s expectations, then you as well. No matter how hard I try, I see no effort in my improvement because you’re still better than me.”

“[Name], that’s not-” Teru blurts in.

“I have to…” [Name] raises her hand to prevent Teru from talking further. “If I don’t tell you this I won’t be able to change and let this stupid thing go.”

“I watched you fight countless times. There are times I would look away when you do your job because my thoughts will taunt me by saying that I’m a burden and then my hate for you would go stronger.”

[Name] painfully smiled at Teru, her eyes were puffy from crying. She sighed and kept on talking. “I made a wish from the tag that one day we could be more open and closer like when we were kids. I tried to get along with you, and started to fight supernaturals alongside you. I believed that there’s no point in relying on the stars to make my wish come true so I did it on my own.”

“I just… can’t take this anymore…”

“I’m disgusted by myself, avoiding you at all costs just so that I won’t be able to see you being the best at everything. To the point that I don’t want to do exorcism at all—”

“[Name]... you… You lied to me!” Teru shouted out, his voice slightly breaking. Everyone knows that he’s always laid-back and reserved, and seeing this side of him was out of character. “You said that we’ll always work together no matter what happens. We both sacrificed our childhood for fighting off supernaturals and you dare to leave me alone just because you thought I’m better than you?!”

“How could you?” Teru felt betrayed knowing that [Name] has always been distancing from him from the start. He thought he was just a change of attitude, he wanted to think it was a change. “I don’t think of you as a burden! Your skills are graceful as it is and I saw your fighting improving everytime we fought together.”

“I didn’t realize that I was hurting you…” Teru tried his best to hold back his tears, sniffling at the process. “I’m sorry [Name], you can hate me all you want but please don’t leave me alone in this hellhole…”

“I wanted to be close like we were back then and I guess it won’t be happening…”

[Name] sees that Teru was looking down on the ground, contemplating on what he did in the past few years to hurt her. The truth is that [Name] was actually hurting him. She took his hand, wrapping with hers. “Despite the fact… that you surpass me… you actually stopped and waited for me to improve.”

“How could I not?” Teru laughed lightly, placing his hand on top of hers. “I can’t leave my dearest friend like that, you know?”

“Even though I was sometimes strict towards you, you were kind enough to hold the umbrella to protect me from the rain.” [Name] said, squeezing his hand softly with a gentle smile curling up from her lips for the first time. “And of course, I’ll continue to fight alongside you. I’m not leaving you that easily, Teru.”

“You know, you were better than me in other things.” Teru sheepishly rubs the back of his blonde hair. “I can’t do household chores and I can’t cook.”

[Name] chuckled. She finally had closure with Teru, had blurted out their feelings and now she was able to walk by his side because she wanted to. “Teru, promise me you’ll wait for me.”

Teru pulled out his pinkie finger. “I promise.”

Then they both linked their pinkies together, sealing their promise. [Name] started to feel funny in her stomach when Teru’s face started to get closer, somehow he radiated warmth. Before they did something, the door suddenly opened.

“I’m home, Teru-nii!” Kou announced with a big smile on his face with sparkles all over along with his little sister, Tiara coming in. [Name] and Teru scooted away from each other and whistled innocently. “Ah! Nee-chan is here too!”

“Kou-kun, long time no see.” [Name] walked over to ruffle his hair, then she bent down to the little sister. “Oh my, Tiara-chan is all grown up.”

Teru and Kou watched [Name] carry Tiara in their arms. “Nee-chan seems to be in a good mood, did something happen to her?” Kou whispered to his big brother.

But Teru can only smile as a reply.

a/n: even though i red the umbrella event story of sayo and hina many times it never failed me cry ;-;

#teru minamoto x reader #teru x reader #jshk teru #tbhk teru #teru minamoto #jibaku shounen hanako kun #tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #jshk #minamoto teru #minamoto teru x reader

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ragingbookdragon · 3 years

Text

The Best Of Us

Batfamily x M!Reader

Word Count: 3,035 Warnings: Angst

Author's Note: And here we are with a Batbrother fic! Enjoy! -Thorne

It wasn’t an inferiority complex. Not really. He wasn’t prone to anger or any of the other symptoms listed under it—and he checked. Multiple times. But there was something about being the only non-vigilante in his family of vigilantes that made him feel inadequate compared to the rest. Bruce had the Justice League, Dick and Jason had their own fantastic groups that saved the day, and Tim and Damian were still in school, but even they had their groups too. Hell, even Alfred still had contacts from his days in MI-5. And yet, he had none of the skills his brothers or father had, no extensive martial arts training, master detective skills, or weapon mastery. He was completely normal—or maybe abnormal in this case. And on some level, he resented that he couldn’t be like his family—maybe he did have an inferiority complex.

***

The greatest thing in (Y/N)’s mind about still being allowed to live at home was that no matter what, there was always food around to eat—Alfred saw to it that every growing man in the house had enough to eat—that being said, their grocery bills were outrageouslyexpensive.

He balanced his tablet in one hand, the other hand adjusting the tie around his neck as he stepped into the kitchen, quick to raise the tablet in time to avoid whacking his youngest brother in the head.

“Morning,” he greeted, taking his seat at the table, just after Jason’s. A chorus of tired, ‘mornings’ came back at him and he quirked an eyebrow. “Wow, loving the enthusiasm this morning, guys.”

Jason snorted and propped his chin on his palm, watching (Y/N) for a moment. “I seriously don’t understand how you’re always so chipper in the morning.”

He huffed a laugh and took a sip of the coffee that Alfred set down. “Someone has to be the ray of sunshine in this group of gray clouds.” (Y/N) cast a glance at Dick who was shoveling eggs into his mouth. “And it seems like our eldest is busy feeding his bottomless pit.” Dick was fast to shoot him a glare, that he returned with a smile.

Just then, Tim trudged into the kitchen in an oversized hoodie and plopped down in his seat, immediately shoving the plate in front of him to drop his head onto the table.

“Jesus Christ, you guys,” (Y/N) sighed, flicking at his tablet for a moment. “You’ve seriously gotta take a day off to recuperate.”

“What do you think we do during the day?” Dick retorted, taking a swig of milk.

“Okay I think you’re confusing the entire day with the first half,” he reasoned. “When I say take a day off, I mean the whole twenty-four hours.” He glanced at everyone, and the only person who seemed to not be tired was Alfred, and that’s partly because (Y/N) believed he was immortal. “You guys are gonna run yourselves into the ground,” he said. “I just don’t think—”

“We know what we are doing, (Y/N),” Damian interrupted with a glare. “We know our limits better than you do.”

He let out a sigh and shook his head. This conversation had happened many times before and it wasn’t anything new.

“I’m not saying I know them better than you Damian, I’m simply saying that you guys should take a day to relax so that something doesn’t happen on the job that you can’t control.”

(Y/N) glanced at his father. “Dad, c’mon, you know I’ve got a point.”

Bruce hummed and flipped the page of the newspaper. “So does Damian.” He met (Y/N)’s eyes and nodded. “You don’t have to worry so much, (Y/N). We know what we can handle.”

He stared at Bruce for a moment then scowled. “I don’t even know why I bother,” he muttered, and Damian was fast to chase his comment.

“I don’t know why you bother either. You’ve never once experienced what we do every night.”

(Y/N) met his youngest sibling’s glare. “Just because I don’t stick my neck out for each person in this city night after night doesn’t mean that I don’t know what it’s like to be exhausted.”

Damian crossed his arms over his chest. “So, you know what it’s like to be exhausted from blood loss because you’ve been stabbed or shot? Or to be exhausted from saving the lives of innocent people? You do?”

“I—” (Y/N)’s mouth opened, then he snapped it shut and looked away with a darkened expression, tasting something sour in his mouth. “No, I don’t.”

“That’s what I thought,” Damian finalized, and in the wake of the uncomfortable tension, a cellphone went off.

Everyone started looking for theirs, but (Y/N) muttered, “It’s mine.”

He picked it up and put on a cheerful voice. “Good morning Angela…yes, I just got the floor plan…” he tapped at the screen on his tablet. “Do me a favor and move the people from table eight to table three. Mr. Robinson is better friends with Mrs. Grace and will certainly give us a warmer atmosphere in that area.”

(Y/N) paused and listened, then he stood from the table and pushed his chair in. “Let me get to the office and we can situate the rest of the guests for tonight…alright, see you soon. Bye.”

He pulled the phone from his ear and ended the call, then took the black backpack that Alfred was holding to him. “Thanks Alfred.”

“Of course, Master (Y/N). Have a pleasant day at work.”

He huffed a laugh, but it was anything but amused. “I have to give a speech tonight in front of the entire company and three different magazines.” He glanced at Bruce. “Think you’ll be able to attend tonight? It’d mean a lot to me.” Bruce grunted, his way of telling (Y/N) that he’d try, but to not hope for a miracle.

It was fine, he was used to parentless ceremonies and events. He cleared his throat and shrugged on the backpack, making his way to the garage door.

“See you guys later.”

***

He’d given a few speeches in his short twenty-four years, and while he’d never say he was an expert on public speaking, he did know his way around a podium. That being said, every time he had to do a speech, he felt like vomiting—nerves he chocked it up to.

(Y/N) cast a glance around the packed ballroom, quietly groaning at the massive amount of people. His own table was empty, save for Angela and thank god for him, Lucius. He couldn’t help but frown at the name tags sitting in front of the empty seats.

“Wondering where the rest of the gang is?”

He met Lucius’ eyes and gave a halfhearted smile. “I’d like to think they took my advice and took the night off but…something tells me that the night called to them.” His lips pulled downwards. “I’m not going to act like this is a surprise, Lucius. I couldn’t even get them to show up for my university graduation.”

(Y/N) smiled and stood up, grabbing the notecards beside him. “What makes you think I could get them to show up to this?” He left the table and moved to the side of the stage, waiting for his name to be called. His fingers briefly shifted to his chest, feeling his heart fluttering beneath chest, nerves causing his breathing to come in short bursts. (Y/N) shut his eyes and took a deep breath, letting a pleasant smile cross his face as the presenter called his name, and walked up the steps.

The bright flash of photography momentarily blinded him, but he smiled through it. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us tonight at the Centennial Inside Alliance Award Ceremony.” He flashed everyone a million-watt smile. “My name is (Y/N) Wayne, and as many of you know, I am a senior editor for Inside Alliance. It is my pleasure tonight to recognize Inside Alliance’s top writer for the year.”

(Y/N) glanced around the room, making sure to catch the eyes of the hundreds of guests.

“Inside Alliance was created on August fourteenth, nineteen-twenty by a group of immigrant mothers and fathers who wanted to bring knowledge of their homes and cultures to the rest of world. Some of those countries being Germany, Romania, Greece, Ireland, Italy, Israel, and many, many others.”

“The production of their valuable time and extensive care created one of the greatest magazines that is still in business today, that brings attention to the worldwide issues that many groups face, while still connecting to their roots of educating the public on cultures and groups.”

He smiled. “It is with my upmost honor that I congratulate and introduce Miss Flora Janaliyeva, one of our newest and greatest writers that has joined Inside Alliance, and the winner of tonight’s Inside Alliance Award.”

(Y/N) turned to the side and grinned at Flora as she ascended the stairs. Her long black hair was braided down the length of her back and she wore a bright and floral-patterned gown. She reached (Y/N) and he reached with his right, shaking her hand, and handed her the glass award with the other.

“Miss Janaliyeva, it is with honor and congratulations that I give you this award for your excellent talent and recognition of ability from Inside Alliance.”

She smiled brightly and accepted the award. “Thank you, Mister Wayne, the honor is mine.” He nodded politely once more and descended the stairs as she began her speech, quietly taking his place back at the table.

“Well done, Mister Wayne,” Lucius smiled and (Y/N) let out a deep breath.

“I’m just surprised I was able to do that without stuttering or panicking.” He glanced over, smile lowering slightly. “Lucius, are you alright?”

The older man dabbed at his forehead and nodded, though when he breathed, it sounded labored. “I’m fine,” he assured, then reached up to rub at his chest.

(Y/N) shifted. “I don’t think you’re alright Lucius.” He leaned over. “Are you having chest pain?”

“I—yes,” he grit out then met (Y/N)’s gaze. “My chest is getting—tight and I…and I—”

He started to slump over and (Y/N) shot to his feet, eyes widening with fear. “Lucius!” The yell startled the crowd and Flora, who all looked over at the two.

(Y/N) pulled the older man back and pressed his ear to his chest, listening. He pulled away and yelled, “Someone call an ambulance! I think he’s having a heart attack!”

He helped Lucius to the floor and immediately pressed his palms to the man’s chest, starting compressions. His breath came in panicked spurts and he kept looking at Lucius’ face.

“Just hand on Lucius. You’re going to be okay.” (Y/N) kept at it until the EMT’s arrived and they knelt beside them.

“Let us take over.”

For a moment, he didn’t move, too afraid that if he did, Lucius would die, but one of the EMT’s placed a hand on his shoulder while the other slide their hands underneath (Y/N)’s.

“Son, we’ll take it from here.”

(Y/N)’s arms went slack, and he let the medic pull him away, watching as they took over and started moving him onto the stretcher.

“Please, save him. He’s—he’s friends with my family I—”

The medic nodded firmly. “We’ll do all we can.”

And all (Y/N) remembered was someone ushering him into a taxi heading for the hospital.

***

The first people that arrived were Lucius’ family who were grateful for (Y/N)’s actions, but the young man could barely grimace as they disappeared into the hospital room, leaving him sitting outside, his head in his hands. Tears gathered in his eyes as he thought back to what the ER doctor told him.

***

“Mister Fox is in a stable condition, but you have to understand, Mister Wayne, his heart is very weak.”

“But—but he’ll be okay right?”

“Based on Mister Fox’s past conditions, he’s verging into heart failure. His heart is too weak to keep up with what the body needs.”

“And…and what does his body need at this point?”

“At this point? A new heart.”

***

He sucked in a breath and fought to keep the sob from escaping his throat, just as heard, “(Y/N)!”

His head shot up and he saw his father and older brothers coming down the hallway. (Y/N) clambered to his feet.

“Dad I—” he started, but cut off as he choked on a sob, and Bruce pulled him into a hug, holding (Y/N) as he sobbed. “I’m sorry,” he cried. “I tried my best but—”

“Shh,” Bruce hushed, a firm, but gentle hand coming to rest at the back of his son’s neck. “You did all that you could.”

He pulled back and wiped his face. “But Lucius needs a new heart, and I don’t know what to do. I should’ve seen this coming. He hasn’t been feeling well the past few weeks and I—”

“(Y/N),” his father said firmly, hands coming to rest on his shoulders. He met Bruce’s eyes. “This wasn’t your fault.”

His libs wobbled and he whispered, “But if I were like you guys, I would’ve seen something earlier. I didn’t and now…” sighing, he added, “and now Lucius needs a new heart, or he’ll die.”

Bruce’s sigh was heavier than (Y/N)’s and it made his chest heavy. “We’ll get Lucius a new heart, (Y/N).”

He lowered his head and lamented, “I’m sorry, dad.”

His father squeezed his shoulder then lead him towards Dick and Jason. “Take (Y/N) back home for the night. I’ll stay here with Lucius’ family.”

They nodded and led their brother down the hall, arms firm across his shoulders in a comforting way. They didn’t say anything, knowing that there wasn’t much to offer, but their support was enough for (Y/N), even if he felt horrible.

***

For being the World’s Greatest Detective, his son was evidently the World Best Hider, because it took Bruce a long time to finally find (Y/N). He stepped quietly over to the form sitting on the ledge and took a seat beside him, silently gazing out at the backyard. A bottle appeared in his vision and he focused on it as the smell of whiskey reached his nose.

“Where’d you get that?” he asked but took the bottle anyway.

“Jason gave it to me earlier.” He watched Bruce take a sip. “Figured it fit the occasion.”

Bruce chuckled. “That sounds like Jason’s way of dealing with a problem.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, passing the bottle back and forth, simply enjoying the calm around the manor and night.

“You know it wasn’t your fault, right?” Bruce suddenly said.

(Y/N) sighed and set the bottle down, kicking his legs out off the roof. “Lucius said he hadn’t been feeling well recently. And I just passed it up to getting older.” He looked at his father. “If I’d actually paid attention, then I would’ve seen the symptoms.”

“Do you actually know what the symptoms of heart failure and heart attack are?”

“I…no, not really.”

“Then you couldn’t’ve known.” He looked at (Y/N). “Lucius works in my office every day. If anyone should’ve known and seen it, it should’ve been me.” Bruce shook his head. “But you did everything you could at the awards ceremony, and that saved Lucius’ life tonight. You did good.”

“I could’ve done better.” (Y/N) muttered. “I should’ve. I’m your son and I’m practically useless to the family but—”

“Woah, woah,” Bruce interrupted, brows furrowing as he asked, “What are you talking about?”

(Y/N) turned to him. “I am the least useful person in this family. I mean you and the guys are these crazy intelligent, vigilante master detectives and I’m just me.” He wiped away a tear that fell from his eye. “I can’t speak seven different languages or solve murder cases with a single strand of DNA left at the scene of a crime. Hell, I can’t even throw a punch.” He sighed heavily. “The last time I tried, I broke my hand.”

Meeting his father’s gaze, he said, “I just want to be like you guys.” He lowered his head. “I just want to be normal and not an outlier in the family.”

Bruce simply stared at him for a long moment, and while he’d never been privy to let his emotions show on his face, he let them this time—shock and shame. Shame that he didn’t see his greatest achievement suffering.

“(Y/N).”

He didn’t look up at first, but then he did. “Yes sir?”

“How long have you felt like this?”

(Y/N) shrugged. “Forever?”

His father sighed. “Son, I…I never wanted you to be like us.”

He gaped at Bruce. “What?”

“(Y/N), every person in this family is driven to do what we do because of our childhoods. You’re the only one who doesn’thave any skeletons in his closet.” He stared at him. “We wish every day that we could be like you and not a day goes by that we don’t think that.”

“I…what?” he floundered, absolutely bewildered at the idea that his father and brothers wanted to be the most boring person ever. “There’s no way that’s true.”

“It is.”

“No.” (Y/N) huffed. “I’m me. I’m plain and boring, work a nine to five job me. I mean I write for a magazine for god sakes! And you guys save the world!”

Bruce chuckled. “And what we wouldn’t give to be just a bit more normal like you, son.” He shrugged. “You think you’re inferior because you’re not a vigilante, but you’re the one thing that keeps us all sane. You give us the perspective of someone who isn’t what we are. Of someone who’s completely normal.”

He reached over and placed a hand on (Y/N)’s shoulder. “And being normal? Being you?” Bruce squeezed firmly. “I don’t want you to be anyone else.”

(Y/N) gazed at him, and though he felt tears in his eyes, he didn’t blink, didn’t let them fall. “I’ve only ever wanted to make you proud.”

Bruce smiled heartfully. “You do, (Y/N). Everyday. Because you’ve always been the best of us.”

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immaturityofthomasastruc · 3 years

Text

The Chloe-Saga

Regarding the whole Chloe-situation: I don’t get it. Just what exactly makes Astruc not only hate a character of his creation to this extent but also makes him not stop giving her more and more prominence in the actual show? Like, in S1 she was the quintessential high school bully. Hates the main character, has the same love interest, causes a lot of “problems/villain of the week”. And guess what? That’s perfectly fine as an archetype. She fulfilled her purpose and it was fun whenever she got put down a notch. That some fans latched onto her and her being redeemed? That’s what a fandom does. It takes characters and gives them a new spin – that does not mean they like what a character in canon does, it means they want to explore those characters outside their bubble. With the identity-shenanigans going on, there even was a pre-build reason for why Chloe might question herself. In S2 we then got the full package of explanations for why Chloe’s Chloe. And while some of them were a bit much and Chloe still did a lot of bad things that might even exceed the “justifications”, Chloe became more than an archetype and more like a character with a clearer background and needs and wishes. What did Astruc expect? Even when we don’t buy her background AND think she went far beyond moral boundaries, there still is a lot more to latch onto. And in S3 and in S4 she got more focus and excuses. Fought of an Akuma. Was explicitly targeted by the big bad and more than once hurt by her idol. Got more family drama and focus on how her family affects people. If we are truly meant to hate Chloe and see not one bit of goodness (which Astruc tells us too) just why are we getting all that focus and excuses? As a one-dimensional schoolyard bully it would have been a lot easier to simply hate her. But that role is apparently Lila’s turf now… The way I see her character and development: One of her traits from the very beginning was how much she liked Ladybug and how much it hurt her whenever LB rejected or renounced her in a way she could not wave aside. She even literally dressed up as Ladybug! In S2 when her mother was introduced, what was one of the first things Chloe did? She sat besides her and mimicked every single movement. For me these were the defining moments of Chloe’s potential to be good. A girl who just really craves the attention of powerful female role models that she can model herself after. A girl who is way more insecure than her bratty face lets on. A girl who has not yet really found herself. Audrey’s entire character essentially is a grown-up Chloe. Petty and nasty and kicking down at every opportunity. Seeing how Chloe reacted to her, mimicked her, and just wanted to be recognized by her, I see most of Chloe’s character essentially as her modelling herself after her. Which is not helped by her father essentially being a rubberstamp with authority, Sabrina being an extended arm, and the butler…being a butler. Ladybug was the counter-weight. It was obvious Chloe cared about her and her opinion of her. She was still flawed and at times outright cruel but there was a hint of progress. Be it her later appearances as Queen Bee where she was either willing to listen (Maledictator) or act as part of the team (Heroe’s Day) or the entire “rejected an Akuma”-saga complete with shielding Sabrina without anything to gain from it. For me the most hurtful moment was when Marinette in her endless goodness reconciled mother and daughter. Because ultimately that was part of what made Chloe continue to model herself after Audrey and what made her stop questioning if Audrey truly is a woman to be emulated. Double hurtful because with Ladybug off her pedestal she was back as the sole role model and because this is yet another thing that can be construed as ultimately being Marinette’s fault (which I don’t believe in and absolutely hate!). We had all these things. Neglectful mother she wanted to emulate in the hopes to be recognized. Secondary role model that cast her out for reasons pertaining to her sins of the past and even before often rejected her for reasons Chloe couldn’t know about. A lot of enablers who either can’t or won’t tell her ‘no’ or 'stop that’ [and we know Chloe at least listens when the few people she cares about tell her]. This is not a condemnation story, that is a tragedy! Which is another thing I am weirded out about. How can Chloe be an irredeemable demon who has not a semblance of goodness in her and yet we are expected to feel stabbed in the heart by the S3-finale? Either she had the potential to be good and it was a tragedy it was not meant to be, or she is an obvious devil who nobody should feel for or with. We can’t have both! Should I feel betrayed or should I feel like that was just Chloe upping her Chloeness?

---------------------------------------------------------------

According to what Astruc said, we were all supposed to feel betrayed by the Season 3 finale.

Chloe’s relationship with her mother is a real missed opportunity, as she was set up as a completely despicable person everyone hates, and of course, she reconciles with her while the writers never acknowledge the abuse. Seriously, Astruc doesn’t think Chloe being emotionally neglected by her mother for years to the point where she can’t even get her name right and developing a slight inferiority complex as a result counts as abuse.

THIS IS WHAT THOMAS ASTRUC ACTUALLY BELIEVES

Like you said, there have been plenty of plenty of irredeemable villains the audience still felt bad for when they were defeated because of how tragic their stories were.

Tai Lung from the original Kung Fu Panda is a good example. He was trained by Master Shifu, someone he saw as a father, and his skills grew, so did his desire for power. He saw not being granted the title of the Dragon Warrior as if he was denied something that was rightfully his. There’s also the fact that his desire to become the Dragon Warrior stemmed from his desire to make his father proud of him by achieving the greatest honor in Kung Fu.

Tai Lung: All I ever did, I did to make you PROUD! Tell me how proud you are, Shifu! Tell me! TELL ME!

Shifu: (quietly) I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been... proud of you. And it was my pride that blinded me. I loved you too much to see what you were becoming... what I was turning you into. I'm s... I'm sorry.

Tai Lung: (hesitates for a moment before grabbing the injured Shifu) I don’t want your apology. I want my scroll!

Even though he stops for a second, Tai Lung still wants his power, ultimately shooting down the last chance he had at reconciling with his father. Both him and Shifu had problems that led to Tai Lung’s descent into villainy, but while one recognized his part, the other simply couldn’t comprehend he did anything wrong in the first place. THAT is how you do a tragic villain, not what we got with Chloe.

If Astruc wanted Chloe to be an irredeemable monster, he needed to show her meaner moments weren’t something to laugh at (something the show Kevin Can F**k Himself is doing a great job at in regards to the titular character by deconstructing sitcom cliches), and have the audience take her seriously as a threat, not a joke villain like in “Queen Banana”. If Chloe actually was a “deep character” like what Astruc obviously planned from the start, she should have been more than comic relief after betraying Ladybug.

#immaturity of thomas astruc #iota #thomas astruc #thomas astruc salt #chloe bourgeois #queen bee #queen b #marinette dupain cheng #ladybug #audrey bourgeois

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