#But I've had more experience getting bullied and being told it's just a crush

[thealienkidtm]

[Warning: Ejen Ali salt] Alilicia needs some work

I feel like there's more accounts of Alicia hurting Ali more than times she's been nice to him. And while some of it is deserved, others are just pure on excessive?

Like that time in Misi: Protocol Gegas where she straight up traps him in a gravity field and left him there WITH ENEMIES ROAMING AROUND while saying that it would be better for everyone if he left MATA OR the multiple times where she's punched him in the face with full force EVEN AFTER HE SAVED HER LIFE THAT ONE TIME?

Do people really expect Ali to just FORGET ALL THAT, move on and reciprocate her feelings??? Because I've been told something similar and it still hasn't left my mind. Imagine that with a 12 year old, geez.

It's like the opposite gender version of the "Oh he's bothering you a lot so it must mean he likes you!"

And while we do get glimpses of Alicia slowly getting a crush on Ali, we barely have any of Ali getting a crush on Alicia. (and no, I'm not taking account of that time in Misi: Seri, that boy did not know it was her)

I saw someone comment on his reaction about Alicia being called his girlfriend and someone said he's too young to understand or that he's dense and I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT NO, HE'S WELL AWARE OF WHAT A GIRLFRIEND IS (JUST LOOK AT HIS UNCLE'S HOPELESS ROMANTIC A** BEHAVIOUR FOR DAMN'S SAKE) HE'S JUST NOT INTO THE IDEA AT ALL

Ali looks uncomfortable here tbh and I don't blame him

To be honest, Alicia's not really good at the feeling's department or when it comes to comforting/relating to someone with their issues I'm looking at you, Ejen Ali the Movie and your audacious "MATA is your family" bullshit. I don't blame her however, it's pretty realistic for her character but she does need work in realising that her words of "caring" needs some awareness.

Also, even if we do eventually get Ali liking her back, I think they need to settle their tension and talk to each other about what exactly they are. (Are they partners? Acquaintances? Friends? I don't think even they're sure what they are)

I don't think Ali likes Alicia like that at all. We do see that his behaviour has become so mellow that he's willing to admit his mistakes and face the consequences while also opening up more to his friends and take up on their advice/criticsm (like we see him do with Rudy). Which is great! So great that he's even willing to try and get closer to Alicia as better friends.

However, I think that for him to even start liking her back, I feel like Alicia needs to start being nicer and talk to him more as well so they could have a more thoroughly established and grounded friendship instead of her AVOIDING HIM ALL THROUGHOUT SEASON 3💢

[alexthebordercollie]

Ford's autism

K so I don't think I need to defend the interpretation Ford is on the spectrum. People make jokes about him being autistic all the time. We all see it. What I want to do here is sort of connect together some character details and examine them through the lense of my own autistic experiences.

I wanna start with his hands. It's an observation I've seen from multiple people that Ford is insecure about his hands and often hides them behind his back or in his pockets. And yeah, he is obviously insecure about them. He even mentions his six fingers at times when they aren't really relevant to anything. It just showcases the space this physical deviation of his takes up in his mind. And yes, it makes sense that he's insecure about them because he was bullied for them growing up. I want to add to this observation.

Ford would have been bullied regardless.

The problem was never really his hands. When you're on the spectrum people around you can tell that you're weird. Uncanny. Something is different and feels wrong about you to NT people, especially kids. They will pick any shallow superficial thing they can find as an excuse to bully you and justify the sense of revulsion they feel around you but can't articulate. If Ford had been born with normal hands they just would have made fun of him for something else, it would have been his glasses, or the movies he liked, or hell maybe some good old-fashioned antisemitism. Literally, any excuse they could find.

I know growing up I tried for years to change the things about me that I was made fun of for and it never made things any better. The bullying never stopped. "Fixing" things about myself didn't work because the thing that was actually "broken" was something fundamental to who I am. That realization as a kid was soul-crushing. That there was nothing I could do that would ever make me "normal", that would ever make people like me. I felt like an alien born on the wrong planet.

Ford continues to latch onto his hands as a sore spot because they're something simple and obvious he can point to as an excuse for why he's so outcast. He probably knows by this point that the hands aren't actually the problem. I'd argue this journal entry and his comment about "another failed social interaction" shows that he's aware his hands aren't actually the problem. But, it is a lot easier to fixate on those than to dwell directly on that sinking feeling that at the core of you're being you are fundamentally weird, wrong, unlovable. Ford's a genius. If his polydactyly bothered him that much he could have removed the extra digits. The hands aren't the problem, they're a symbol of a more fundamental kind of pain.

Looking at it through this context also makes the gloves Fiddleford gives him an extra sweet gift given what they represent. A kind of wholehearted acceptance of who Ford is and even a willingness to adapt to his unique needs just to show him love and affection. I think something that hurts me so much about their relationship is that Ford had someone who very clearly loved him as is and would have never wanted him to be someone or something else, and Ford was too stubborn to fully appreciate that.

The same is true of Stanely by the by. He never had a problem with his brother being weird. Another relationship with someone who loved Ford as is but who Ford took for granted. He needs these kinds of relationships in his life. People who embrace and accept him for the weirdo he is. He needs them desperately, which gets me to my next point.

Ford's ego. So it's also a common observation that Ford has a massive ego. He's kind of an ass, to put it mildly. But I have had someone in conversation frame it like the pressure to prove themselves was just on Stanley and Ford just spent his whole life being hyped up and told he was hot shit. This isn't true, or at least it's a flattening of his experiences.

Ford was praised for his genius. This is true. But his own father only gave a shit when said genius showed signs of netting material gains for the family. It only mattered cause Ford could be useful. Furthermore, this genius never netted him social acceptance from his peers growing up. He was still a bullied, weirdo, loser most of his childhood. Add that seeing Stanley kicked out would have drilled into Ford's head that if he couldn't make something out of himself his family wouldn't want him either. Stan was an unspoken threat of what this family does to failures.

Gonna bring up my own personal experiences again. Having set the stage for how it feels growing up on the spectrum. That feeling of alienness that you can't really explain. I loved to write and draw from a very young age. Moreover, as I got older I realized that when I drew, people were nice to me. The only time I got social acceptance was when people were admiring or praising me for my art. So I did it more and more, I devoted myself feverishly to my art. I loved it anyway and would have hyper-fixated on it regardless but the positive reinforcement turned art from something I loved to a need. I NEEDED to be an artist. I needed to be the best at my school. I needed all eyes on my work because it was the only way I could make friends. The only way I could prove that I had value. That I deserved a place in society.

I see that in Ford. I see his ego not as shallow narcissism but as an overwhelming need to prove his value as a person. To be loved and accepted and believing that no one will want him if he isn't brilliant. If he doesn't change the world. If he isn't useful. This is also why he couldn't bring himself to destroy his research even knowing it was the safest and most responsible option. Burning down everything he worked for would mean finally giving up on the fantasy of ever being accepted or valuable.

The sad thing is he's so single-mindedly fixated on this personal goal of proving his worth to the world that when people do come along that love him unconditionally he takes them for granted. These people are statistical anomalies in his life. Nice to have around, but not enough to fix the bigger problem. They aren't reflective of society at large. They aren't enough to prove that he, personally, is loveable. Just that on occasion he meets another weirdo. For a while it's nice. Like a campfire in a barren tundra. But he has to keep moving, he can't stay. Warmer lands are ahead if he can just get to them. If he can just keep moving.

This also is why Ford was so susceptible to Bill. Bill told Ford what he wanted to hear. That he was destined for greatness. That, the fundamental wrongness he felt all his life was something incredible other people just couldn't see. Bill promised Ford exactly what he wanted, but not what he actually needed. Ford never needed the world at large to accept him. He just needed a few good people.

I also think his chemistry with Bill was connected to his autistic experiences as well. Bill is literally an alien. There's no pressure to mask around him. To try and "act normal". Ford can just be himself with Bill and not have to think about it. And sure, he could be himself around Fiddleford, but Fidds is still human. The anxieties of human social expectations are still present. Like when Fidds get him a gift for the holidays and Ford feels a bit guilty that it didn't even occur to him to do the same. He doesn't have to think about these social nuances with Bill.

That said I'm sure Bill isn't what his world would have considered neurotypical anyway. Not that Ford would know that. But Bill was also a strange freak in his own society. Just as outcast, possibly more so. I think Bill sees a bit of his own experiences reflected in Ford. I think he relates to him on a level. Not that he would ever admit it outright due to his own ego. I think Bill's fixation on him after the breakup also stems from Ford rejecting the path that Bill chose for himself. Bill still lives with some sort of deeply repressed guilt for what he did. Imagine how validating it would have been to see someone else like him burn their own world to the ground for the same reasons Bill did. But no, Ford's a better man than him, and Bill can't stand it.

Ok, I don't know how to end this long-ass monologue so I'm gonna call it here I guess. I just wanted to spill some thoughts of mine about Ford as a character. If anyone else wants to add to this with other examinations of Ford's character through this lense go right ahead. I'm just saying as an autistic person myself I understand every choice Ford made. I could relate to why he did the things he did even if I know those were mistakes and even acknowledging that he's kind of an asshole. Ford is a strange man who makes an eerie amount of sense to me.

[ewingstan]

My last post about Byron got some discussion about how he stabbed himself with the pen, and whether we’re meant to take that as self-harm or punishing Tristan. I got reminded of this part of the compromise discussion:

Tristan considers how he felt about Byron spending so much time with Moonsong, and reflexively reaches out to where he felt Byron stab his leg. No matter what he says about the matter, I think he sees the long conversation with Moonsong as Byron punishing him, in the same way the pen-stabbing could be seen that way.

Tristan says he doesn’t care about what Moonsong says about him, but that seems like a pretty obvious lie. I don’t think you could avoid being upset if you were forced to watch as your brother and your teammate bond over how much they hate your guts, and then after said teammates casually admits to being incredibly homophobic, watch your brother stay with her for another several hours. Knowing you were there listening the whole time.

I've been thinking about how Tristan responded when he got control back in the morning:

Byron takes this all to mean Tristan can't stand listening to Byron. After all, Tristan is spending all the time complaining about the conversation, and not about Moonsong's homophobia. But wouldn't you expect him to be a bit upset about that? Isn't him not bringing it up at all, stumbling over himself trying to express indignation at anything besides Moonsong's homophobia, not incredibly revealing? Byron seems to be assuming that Tristan is being truthful when he says "she can say whatever she wants about me," but we know he's more sensitive about that he want's people to think. Byron knows too, considering how he earlier weaponized it:

His brother shouting slurs at him was the first thing to put him on the argumentative backfoot in that fight. Byron brings up how Tristan called him a pussy after he told others not to call him a sissy—regardless of how that's a dick move, does he not realize Tristan was desperately trying to escape being the bullied school queer, trying to avoid showing that the insults got to him and positioning himself as one of the guys? Trying to force the words to be friendly ribbing instead of taunting jeers?

So how would he talk about the experience of his brother choosing to spend two hours with a girl who just admitted to despising him for being openly gay, desperately wanting to get away from all of it while forced to stay and listen— and for what? What could justify his brother sitting there despite everything and making him take it? He wouldn't fucking say why it drove him crazy. He would talk around it, complain about how boring it was— because why was his brother staying there despite what Moonsong said if they were going to talk about nothing, and Tristan didn't have anything to latch onto other than his useless desire to leave? He would say he was loosing his mind— because how else was he going to feel about his brother obviously crushing on this woman who hates him for who he is, hearing them talking about nothing, picturing them on future dates together and living with the indignity of it for who knows how long? Was he going to say no to who his brother wanted to be with? Was he going to be a sissy gaylord faggot about it?

He obviously wasn't motivated by careful consideration when he went out to lose himself in the party. But I think if I could reconstruct what he was thinking, it was that if he had to deal with his brother dating a homophobe while carrying around for the whole thing, then surely the door for whatever was open. Surely each brother could use their body for what they wished, and deal with what the other did without complaint. He could take Byron dating Moonsong. He could take Byron stabbing himself in the thigh. I think that was why he acted so shocked and betrayed by Byron going to Vaughn: sure it was subjecting you to something you didn't want to deal with, but isn't that the road we were going down anyway?

Tristan says he'd be fine with Byron dating Moonsong if it kept him sane, but that he needed to go out and prowl to stay sane himself. And it really seems like the thing that breaks him is the prospect of watching from behind his brother's eyes as Byron plays out a letters-and-sodas nothing-beyond-kissing-and-holding-hands romance of boring and innocent and good straight couples with smiling faces behind white picket fences. The mockery of watching as Byron plays out the normative dream, complete with the simmering homophobia, and Tristan being around for the whole thing without the possibility of escaping into his own world.

I'm not saying Byron was in the wrong for forcing the compromise. But if I was Tristan I would've tried to kill him too.

[gorgeouslypink]

my beloved pink, i am always so grateful for you and i have the best news ever!! i entered the void last night. i used the revision meditation you linked in that one ask and after it, i just knew i was going to wake up in the void and i did.

honestly this next part is a bit personal for me and ik some people are going to get mad but you're the only person who I can tell because in my new reality, I never experienced it. so i am Indian and the rest of my family is very fair skinned and even when they tan, their darkest is like an olive skintone. but i am very dark-skinned, like extremely. so ive been called ugly and dark since birth by my family. I go to a Korean dominated school and they are just like Indians, they value lighter skin so I underwent a lot of bullying for my dark skin there too. I've been told many times that I'd be so pretty if I wasn't so dark and this korean guy that I had a crush on who liked me too would only talk to me in secluded places and when I asked him, he told me that he wouldn't date me because I was too dark and he would be embarrassed. You know, if black women feel insecure about their skin color, they can go look at their culture or black celebrities and feel inspired and empowered. But all the Indian actresses are so pale too, I think the only time I've ever felt represented in the media is Bridgerton but I'm darker than Kate and Edwina and all the bullying has given me severe body dysmorphia. I always wear long sleeves and try to cover my skin as much as possible. I hate seeing how dark I am and I feel so insecure. I barely leave my house and I have no self confidence so in the void, I manifested pale skin. and it's such a surreal experience. like to be honest it stills feels so unreal but I feel so pretty now and I'm so grateful. i hate that society did this to me but now i can walk with my head held up high and that's all I've ever wanted. I am really sad thinking about all the pain my skin color caused me and now i am ready to libe my life and love my body. thank you pink for everything, im going to be deleting tumblr now

hi love! first of all, this really upset me and im so sorry about what you went through. honestly, i hate how cultures are so obsessed with fair skin when every skin color is beautiful in its own right. i have more that i want to say against this but i don't want to come off as reprimanding you when your insecurity stems from the unfair treatment society inflicted upon you and if this makes you confident and allows you to be happy, then im just happy for you. also congrats on entering the void and ik, that revision meditation works wonders!! i hope you continue being happy from here on out 💗

[chalkrevelations]

Re-watching Kinnporsche Ep 1 for this week's 15 Minutes, and Porsche has just arrived home to find the house trashed and Chay trying to clean up after Arthee's "creditors" have shown up, and I'm struck once again by some of the repeated themes we're seeing across KP and Dangerous Romance, given Sailom's experience with his family's creditors. DR is pulling fewer punches (lit. and fig.) on this one, given Sailom's had the shit kicked out of him - and it sounds like more than once - while we at least are never explicitly told this has ever happened to Chay.

This is also the ep in which Porsche makes the agreement to work as a bodyguard for the main family to pay off family debts and pay for Chay's tuition, and I'll probably write more about that in the actual 15 Minutes post, but it's another repeated theme across these two shows, and I ... hmm. Both Porsche and Sailom essentially sell themselves into indentured servitude to a wealthy family to pay off debt and pay for school, and that's something that I've been wanting to poke at w/r/t Sailom for a couple of weeks now but haven't had time to sit down and tease out. But it's. Hmm. A potential landmine, I think, because to me, it's directly tied to the scene in one of the trailers or mvs that hasn't shown up yet in the show, where Kanghan pushes Sailom down onto a bed, throws money in his face (AGAIN) and says "Why don't I buy you myself?" which - post-Sailom being required to move into the Sukprasert house and agree to remain there as Kanghan's tutor until Kanghan gets into college - leaves me saying out loud to my screen, "Boy, you already did, and the fact that you don't even seem to understand that is a problem." I was never quite satisfied with the way KP dealt with similar issues, and I'm not quite sure if the narrative didn't realize what it was doing, or didn't make it explicit enough, or if audience response affected some of my reaction, but I have similar feelings on this issue in KP vs. DR that I do about bullying in Bad Buddy vs. DR - that there's the potential here for DR to actually excavate some of these issues and deal with them - at all, really, but maybe actually even appropriately? - in a way they haven't been dealt with despite being present in the writers' previous work. And I wonder if this is purposeful on the part of the writing team and Bee Pongsate, in particular.

Or maybe they won't and I'll be as wrong about this as I was about Pimfah's crush on Sailom, I guess.

Anyway, this is a small detail but I also noticed this week on DR that there are photos, presumably of Mae and Pa Homchan, set up on a shelf with what may be a tealight candle holder between them? like a shrine at Saifah and Sailom's house, and I don't know how common that setup is in Thai culture to honor the dead of a household, but it immediately reminded me of the photos of (presumed dead) Nampheung and Redshirt McKittisawasd on the mantle with the candles in Porsche and Chay's house in KP.

[kunaigirl]

Since you're answering questions, could I ask when you came out of the closet as a lesbian? I'm still closeted and I love your blog and I'd like to hear about your experience with the whole deal. If that's okay ofc.

Of course! I don't mind talking about it. Also a quick note before I get into it, please only come out if you're sure it's safe to do so and you're sure you're ready. Being closeted sucks ass, but your personal safety always takes first priority.

That being said, let's get into my coming out process! I started to notice something was different about how I was feeling about relationships vs the people that were around me. I started to really question my sexuality when I was about 13, but I was already having crushes on other girl classmates from the time I was about 10-11, not that I was aware they were crushes at the time because I just assumed that's how EVERYONE felt even platonically. I first came out a year later when I was 14 and in my first year of high school, but got a REALLY crappy response that I'd rather not talk about from the few people I told, so I ran right back in the closet and pulled the whole "never mind LOL just kidding!" Keep in mind this was back in 2009. I also had come out as bisexual instead of gay, because at the time I was grappling with compulsive-heterosexual assumptions, and thought I could force myself to be interested in guys too or that I HAD to be in some way. That didn't work LOL but once again I was only 14 and in 2009 no one talked about anything LGBT related unless it was an insult or a joke. Then I stayed back in the closet until I was 17, and fully came out as gay like I'd always wanted to in the first semester of my senior year of high school, in 2012. I finally accepted that I only liked girls, and I've never looked back since. I still got plenty of horrible reactions, lost a few friends, and became a target for even more bullying, but I was still happier than I was hiding it away. I was out to basically everyone from that point on except for my grandfather, who I didn't come out to at all because he was a pretty closed minded guy when it came to LGBT things most of my life. I was outed to him behind my back when I was away in my junior year of college in 2016. It took him a few months, but he eventually came around and accepted me, and then we even grew closer than ever afterwards! He worked so hard on himself to be more inclusive and understanding and really changed for the better, and I'll always be proud of him for that. I miss him a lot, he passed in November of 2022.

As for staying out socially, I still play it smart. I'll answer honestly if someone asks, but otherwise in certain settings I don't bring it up at all. If I'm in a setting or situation that doesn't feel safe, I lie about it. It sucks, but like I said, safety comes first.

But yeah, I guess that's about it! Stay smart and stay safe out there! You'll be ok.

[bonnie-is-bumbling]

"I'm not trying to steal the spotlight. I'm just neurodivergent and trying to relate to you."

My friend and I were in Discord, having a discussion, and this came up. I thought it was a worthwhile point to spread.

See, before diagnosis, I had been through the wringer over this. The most memorable was a lady in Second Life, who told me I was only stealing the spotlight and not responding to her, just continuing on my own stories.

Me? I was confused. And I truly felt awful when she told me how it made her feel. I apologized, but it was not accepted.

I was told that I was just saying that, and being told to prove I was sorry.

It was maybe a year ago, possibly two. I don't even remember her name. But I do remember how I felt. I remember it clear as day. (I actually sometimes gripe at myself for hanging onto it. My brain clearly didn't get the memo that it's waaaay done and over with.)

I felt like a horrible piece of subhuman shite. I called myself a narcissist, and went into a full panic and upset, I told everyone to block me for their own safety, I changed my username, profile, everything to just call myself a big nope and warn people away. I know- overreact, much?

I couldn't afford a diagnosis, I had been told I was Neurotypical and just 'Unique' my whole life. But it still makes me walk on eggshells. And I mean I do it with everyone. Even those I love.

The Second Life lady was by far not the only time online, or in person that I had this experience and it b r o k e me. The way I try to conduct myself is that I try to extend kindness. And to be a spotlight thief is unkind. So that must mean I am unkind?... That's how I took it. That I was lying to myself, that I was cruel, inconsiderate, a narcissist, an asshole, a manipulative piece of shit. And that's so bloody toxic to myself, and inadvertently, others.

I wanted, not to die, but to cease my existence, so nobody would have ever been hurt by me in the past, present, or future. I struggled, and still do. I still lay down like a doormat so I don't offend the people who, in all reality, would be fine if I put in my opinion or thoughts. Because my mind, even after dx, still worries about crushing the one eggshell that sends the other person into upset, caused by me. Even when I'm not the guilty party, I will still feel guilt over an upset and try to fix it.

I'm aware this isn't great, but today, it's leaps and bounds away from where I was. I've actually been able to stand up for myself some, or brush some things off. At least consciously. My self-talk has improved. I try not to rely 9n my diagnosis, but when I feel it's necessary, I will inform my partner in conversation. It doesn't always get through to them, but... After that, I can much more easily accept if it just goes awry. I do fight with myself, and have to try so hard not to label myself so horribly right away. Healing is NOT easy.

Those of us who can't afford official diagnosis, or can't access it. We're in pain and we don't know what's going on. If you see someone seeming to steal the spotlight, please don't accuse them of doing so to belittle you right away.

Look at what they're saying or why they might be saying it. Give them the same opportunity you would want. I didn't mean to be a jerk and steal the spotlight when I was accused. I know that for a fact. I thought we were making conversation, truly and honestly, and the accusations hit like a bullet to the general view of myself.

Those of us without diagnosis, please don't think of yourself as I did of myself. Look into what you truly intended, and try not to bully yourself over it. It feels horrible, especially when you don't know why it's happening, and why you're 'like this'. Your mental health, no matter your condition; no matter of your diagnosis status, does not deserve the hurt. If you meant well and were accused of being cruel, you still meant well. Hold onto that knowledge. Correct what you feel you need to. Take responsibility, but just don't beat yourself up like I did!

You've got this, and even if you don't have a diagnosis, or can't get one, know you're still valid in how you feel, function, and think.

I'm still practicing this myself, but...

Have patience with yourself. You're doin' ya best! ♡

[cindersnowsstuff]

Long post. It's kinda rambling but I tried to make it make sense. Content warnings in tags.

I was out shopping with my mom the other day and she was making comments like "it's not fair you gays took the rainbow why can't everyone have it" and something about "why should pride be a thing when you guys have rights now?". I know she was joking around but it still annoyed me. Straight people have no idea what it's like to be LGBT, do they?

Yes we have (some) rights (in the us), but we had to fight for decades to get them. And we have to constantly fight to keep them since politicians are always trying to take them away again. And some places in the US are way less friendly to LGBT people than others, not to mention other countries where gay marriage and other things are still outlawed. Even if the US was some utopia, there'd still be other places in the world where we suffer.

I can't even watch the news anymore. People are always complaining about gay people in commercials or debating on trans people in sports. Cartoons with gay characters get cancelled or that content is edited out for international releases. A video game will come out with a lgbt character in it and I have to hear people whine about sjw pandering and wokeness ruining gaming every single time. Being gay or trans is considered inherently sexual. A young boy having a crush on a girl is cute and innocent, but a boy liking another boy is treated like it's perverse and predatory. We're accused of brainwashing and forcing children to be gay and trans. Bigots act like anyone can walk to a doctor and get hrt the same day and force children to take it. They make up whatever they want to make us look bad and other people eat it up.

Children are disowned by their parents and kicked out to the streets for coming out. Bullying and hate crimes against us still exist. People are beaten and murdered and driven to suicide just for wanting to be themselves. Conversion therapy still exists. Companies are willing to say they support us and put rainbows on everything as long as it's profitable for them, but they're happy to drop the act if they see it affect their bottom line. People continue to eat at chick fil a and buy harry potter merch even after knowing the profits go towards legislation to take rights away from us. Websites like this one flag lgbt posts as mature content whenever they feel like it. And they don't do anything about terfs and others spreading hate speech either.

People act like being gay was invented twenty years ago, but we've always been around. We're more visible now and we constantly face backlash for it. It's not a choice to be gay or trans, but it is a choice to be open and proud about it. And people don't like that. They complain about gays making their gayness their whole personality. They either want us to go back in the closet so they can pretend we're normal cishet people or they want us to just die.

I'm lucky that everyone I've come out as gay to has been accepting. But there's always that fear that someone will harass me or try to hurt me one day. I still won't wear pride shirts in public. There's other parts of myself I feel like I still have to hide. My mom is fine with me being gay, but what would she say if I told her I was ace or nonbinary? What would my friends say? I don't want to constantly correct people on my pronouns or risk getting made fun of for it. I don't even try dating because I feel like no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want sex. I don't want to be with someone who will guilt trip me into having sex or cheat on me.

I'm so tired of all of this. I'm tired of cishets telling us we're going to hell, and I'm tired of the infighting in our own community. Not everyone fits perfectly into labels. Everyone's personal experiences with gender and sexuality are different, and I wish everyone could accept that and move on. There's no one correct way to be lgbt, and trying to police other's identities is counterproductive when bigots view us all as freaks anyway. I tried explaining some of this to my mom at the store, but I wasn't able to put all of my feelings into words like I have here. I'm not sure if she'd understand it all even if I tried to say it to her. It's exhausting when people see us and think we're faking our identities or going through a phase or saying our identities are political statements. We're just people. I don't want someone to give me a strange look if I hold hands with someone or want to be referred to as they. I'm just a person and I don't want to hide who I am for the rest of my life.

[stopbeingrude]

Hi guys , how are you doing ? I hope you had at least a decent day. I was really surprised by how many people were interested in my story. (blush) Im so glad As promised, here's chapter 2 ,, I like the rain, it always seemed like the only thing that was like me…" Chapter 2. ,,Thank you for being here" Juvia looked at the object in her hands that she found while packing for their trip to Tempeville. A tiny umbrella , white with smiling suns printed on it .She remembered vividly the exact moment Jerry had handed it to her. - "Here, this is for you, I couldn't bear to hear you whining anymore,"- said the golden-haired man, handing the little girl his gift. -'' I've told you many times, that in time you would be able to control the rain around you. It's normal for water to behave strangely around water mages, and I had a problem with it too….- said Jerry. The man thought for a moment, then added. -..I'm pretty sure I told you how I nearly drowned my ex girlfriend….I told you, right?.. "- little girl nodded-"...Of course I did…haha..If only you could see that bitc...yh...lady's face….Where was I at again?............Oh right!... If only you were just a bit more patient, little froggy.." -"I told you not to call me that, you dummy! "- shouted the seemingly angry Juvia. It was obvious that she wasn't angry, but if those were supposed to be birthday wishes , then that this old slacker could have tried a little harder. -''Oi! Brat....I'm trying my best to wish you a happy birthday and you act like this? -" What kind of birthday wishes are these supposed to be!?- the girl exclaimed. -..Unbelievable! Young people these days are so ungrateful….Ugh .."- he complained, but eventually gave up. -" Heh... Alright….Im sorry... Happy Birthday Juju…- he said with a grin. He couldn't stay angry with his baby for too long. - "...I wish you happiness, health,...I hope you'll grow up to be a decent and intelligent woman ... because remember this..., it's not how you look that counts, it's what's in your head…. - the man poked her forehead lightly, causing the girl to giggle. Despite the tough character of her ..guardian ...? I guess you could call him that… despite his difficult sense of humour and his biting remarks, she knew that she was important to him, just as he was important to her. He just had a strange way of showing affection... Juvia laughed lightly despite a few tears that flowed from her sapphire eyes. It was for moments like this , she's been able to endure the bullying of other children , she knew that every sad experience ended with a visit from Jerry. Every visit ended with one of his strange ideas that always put a smile back on her face, like that one time he took her out for hot dogs at 10pm. Juvia was never able to forget the look on the orphanage ladies' faces when Jerry walked her back at 1 am. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice when her fiancé appeared in their bedroom. -" I've never seen this one…"- he pointed at the umbrella- ''.. I'm guessing it's a special one then" -he stated, handing her tea. - "Thank you... "- she took a sip-"...Yes you're right... actually it was a present for my birthday. HE gave it to me…" After packing the last things, they both sat down on the bed. Neither of them was quite sure how to start a conversation. Gray didn't like the strange atmosphere that had prevailed in their apartment since yesterday. But most of all he did not like how distant Juvia seemed to be. That wasn't his Juvia. Devil Slayer rested his head on her shoulder. When Blue-haired woman began to gently stroke his hair, he immediately relaxed . He missed that... After what for him felt like ages , she decided to speak. -"Juvia is sorry that she didn't tell you anything...Juv….. I was just trying to forget about it... it's not like I don't trust you....Please don't be angry…"-she said in an uncertain voice. -"I'm not angry at you….I'm just a little disappointed...I thought you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me everything…"- he admitted. It was silly to admit , but he didn't

like the fact that Juvia wouldn't tell him something. He knew that everyone had the right to have their own secrets, but his desire to find out what was in her head was much stronger. After a while he decided to ask her more - "Is there anything else you haven't told me about yourself?" He needed to know. -" No. Everything else is true…About my childhood, about Phantom Lord...and mostly about my parents..." …………………………. -".........What happened to your parents...?"- he asked quietly. He contemplated for a moment whether he should ask her this question. After all, he didn't know what kind of reaction this would cause.. -" My mother died when I was about 2 years old.... I don't know who my father was... Jerry said he never met him…about my mother.."- Juvia looked as if she was thinking very hard about something, and after a moment she added-"..Jerry once told me that even she couldn't remember who he exactly was….not that she cared about it or about being pregnant …"- said Juvia weirdly. Wait , what? -"..L-let me get this straight…...you're trying to tell me….that she didn't really care that she got pregnant...and that she wasn't even trying to look for your father? ' Wait, what !?' -….ymm... that's....." - the man persistently tried to choose the right words. He did not want to offend his fiancée's mother by any means (If not for her , Juvia wouldn't be there in the first place, so she obviously deserved to be at least respected)....But everything Juvia had mentioned sounded...How to put it?...Concerning? -" It's not normal... I know... you don't have to hold back Darling- she said with a slight smile- "Her name was Eliana and apparently she was always like...that..., she was...well DIFFERENT.."- that's how Jerry would always describe her-"....She didn't really care about anything, she didn't talk too much, she rarely showed any kind of emotion....She was one big secret, even for him. Juvia never fully got it. Why would she be like that with the person she supposedly was…… ..ymm…..Close.?"- he didn't miss the way she said the last word, but he kept quiet about it. After all ,the relationship between two strangers wasn't his business. Gray decided to change the subject a bit. -"You know..., I think it's really great of him to take care of both of you.…"-despite the fact that the night before Gray had felt a lot of anger towards the aforementioned man, right now he was grateful that he had taken both ladies under his care.- "He must have been an amazing person. It really sounds like you are telling me about some hero or saint"- ice mage smiled - "He was "- said blunette with a smile - "I will always be grateful to him...But Saint ? No, no ,no...That's probably too much of an exaggeration." - she added with a giggle. Gray was glad that she was laughing again, he couldn't help but laugh a little too. They are slowly returning to normalcy... - "He was the laziest, most stubborn man you could find on this planet….He was untactful , brutally honest and worst of all, sometimes he could be so awfully mean and grumpy , especially when it was Tuesday...Juvia never got that...why Tuesday?….Dear God , he could be so unbearable...."- Juvia stopped for a moment, then smiled playfully.- "Honestly you two are pretty similar in that case" - "Ekhem....So.. you're suggesting that I'm mean and grumpy ? Oh ..Alright... I'll remember that when you want something from me..."- Gray said, pretending to be offended and trying hard not to smile. Juvia laughed loudly, then wrapped her arms around his neck and placed a sweet kiss on his lips. After Jerry disappeared, she was sure she would never get attached to anyone again. She didn't want to suffer more. But as we all know, life likes to surprise us, and "never" is not eternal. First she met Gajeel , with whom, by some strange coincidence, she found a connection. Funny, considering how different they were. Even then a quiet voice in her head, similar to Jerry's, whispered to her to not get too attached….that it didn't make sense. On that day, for the first time in her

life, she decided to ignore it, and thanks to that, she gained a wonderful friend. The same situation happened again after she met Gray and Fairy tail. The insistent voice kept reminding her of the past. 'Just because you've miraculously found a friend who hasn't left you, doesn't mean that it will happen again...' 'So what if he stopped your rain, one day you'd be able to deal with it by yourself…..Besides, don't you remember what happened the last time you felt something for a guy? It's just stupid, meaningless crush, just get over it....' But as time passed and she became more and more attached to the guild mates, more and more in love with Gray..... The voice in her head gradually faded and after a while the only sound she heard was the laughter of her loved ones. Despite the suffering of the past, Juvia no longer regretted anything. She would go through it even 100 more times, just to be happy with her new family. -"Oi ! - she felt Gray lightly tap her nose- Juvs don't fall asleep, we have a train in about two hours….. Remember? "- he asked amused - "You're right! Juvia's sorry, she got lost in her thoughts…" ****************************************** - "Are you going on a mission ?" asked Mira Jane cheerfully, as the couple informed her of their departure. Gray didn't necessarily want to share with her the reason for their trip. After all, it was a rather sensitive topic. - "Yyyy it's more like..... a..vacation...?...Right Juvia?"- he turned to his fiancée - "Oh!....Yes, yes..."- nodded the woman. The barmaid looked at them with a huge smile. She still couldn't quite believe that these two were finally together.… - "In that case I wish you a wonderful time, lovebirds" - she giggled as she saw them both turning red. - "Ooh vacation? That's awesome, wish you a great time guys." -they heard Lucy's voice behind them. - "They are such a beautiful couple."- added Erza proudly-" I can't believe that our Gray has grown so much..I hope you'll have an amazing vacation." - '"I also wish you an amazing time'' -said Wendy happily. -Ohhh..young love…- sang Happy, flying over their heads. - " And where are you two going anyway?"- asked Natsu curiously while finishing his lunch. - "We decided to visit my hometown,"- said Juvia. Her friends didn't need to know more... - "Oh cool..Where is it?" -continued Natsu. He never really thought much about where his guild-mate came from.. -" I don't think that's your business Flame-brain. Besides you probably wouldn't know where it is anyway." -said Gray, slightly annoyed. He was slowly starting to get on his nerves. Why does Natsu always have to meddle in things that are not his own? - "I asked Juvia ,not you Icy-pants" said Natsu teasingly. Jeez what's wrong with Droopy eyes today , he just asked a simple question. - "Calm down both of you "- said Lucy. She didn't like where this conversation was going. -'' Lucy is right, there is no point in arguing....Natsu if you really want to know, Juvia was born in the town of Tempeville, in the south - said Juvia, trying to calm down quickly. - "Oh, I've never heard of that place," Natsu said, surprised. Looks like there's a lot of towns he didn't know about. - "See, I told you so,"- said Gray. "Now if you'll excuse us, we have a train to catch. So let's get going… - "Hey Lucy, Happy, let's go with them...I'd like to see what that place is like "- said Natsu suddenly, dragging the blonde with him. His girlfriend looked at him in horror. 'Natsu, what are you thinking? Are you trying to ruin their trip?' - "The hell?! "- shouted Gray. And then he thought that everything was going well…'Please no….' - "Natsu, that's their private vacation! "- exclaimed Lucy, knowing very well that they should leave the couple alone- "Besides, they said they have a train coming soon!" -"Then let's go , we have to get ready quickly…...!" "LEAVE US ALONE !!' - desperate Gray shouted as loud as he could, unintentionally focusing the attention of practically the entire guild. They all looked at him, disapproval clearly written on

their faces. - "Gee..Buddy..you don't have to be so rude," - said Max. - "My God… what's with you?- whispered Lisanna - "Exactly Gray, what kind of behavior is that? "- Erza asked in a stern tone- "If you don't want Natsu to come with you, just tell him politely. The Devil Slayer wanted to disappear... It wasn't supposed to be like this. He turned his gaze towards his fiancée, silently asking for any kind of rescue. However, he was met with the same horrified gaze. After a moment, the girl bowed her head slightly and said to the rest of the guild. -"Everyone , please forgive us, especially Gray. I don't know what's going on with him lately...." - ' Huh ?'- Gray must have heard that wrong….There is no way... -"....He's been very tired and stressed lately, probably because of work, that's why we decided to go on vacation…..Juvia didn't know what to do...." said Juvia, brilliantly pretending to be distraught. 'Stop making me out to be some kind of aggressive freak,' Gray shouted in his mind 'Juvia is sorry but this is kinda your fault'- thought blunette , while taking a look at her lover. - "Relax Juvia, you don't have to apologize to us... To be honest Natsu tried to force his way into your trip" - said Lucy, looking at her partner with an annoyance. - Sorry Juvia….-said the pink haired boy meekly-"...but the ice princess can kiss my ass. I won't apologize to him.." -he added quietly. - "It honestly sounds like an excuse to leave you alone so you can shag in peace" -said Cana under her breath. She wanted to add something else but then she felt a murderous gaze of the black-haired man and decided to shut up. -"True!"- added Gajeel, receiving a look full of indignation from his best friend. -"That's so MANLY" - "How could you blame them though….." -laughed Macao. -"GOODBYE !" - shouted Fullbuster blushing furiously ,as he headed straight to the door, dragging his equally embarrassed lover with him. As they walked towards the train station, dragging their suitcases behind them, blunette suddenly asked… - "Did you really do this...to be all alone with me....?" asked Juvia innocently. Oh how she loved teasing him like that... -"JUVIA ?! "- At this point Gray was close to having a heart attack. A very amused girl could not stop laughing for a while , until they got on the train and they sat down in one of the wagons. Their journey has just begun. ****************************************** Very random/ unnecessary bonus . Remember this, Lovelies! Never doodle under the influence of alcohol, you will get wierd ideas lol. ,, Do you see this sh*t Juvia? People are fighting over fictional characters… Humanity really is getting dumber and dumber...."

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

[kachulein]

Day 5: A moment you are proud of

I honestly think coming to terms with my demisexuality is a moment I can be proud of because I finally have an explanation for all the things I was confused about beforehand. Whenever something didn't make sense, I always managed to come up with an explanation that I used to beat myself up for being the way I am. Now knowing that all of these made up explanations are bullshit and that the reality is my demisexuality, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest.

⬇️ some personal experiences under the cut ⬇️

For example, with two of my past partners, I didn't feel any attraction towards them for months before we started dating. I've turned them down once, twice, even more than that but they showed me that they wanted to stay in my life despite my rejection, and we kept becoming closer friends and getting to know each other more intimately. And guess what, a some point we've grown so close that we'd talk and confide in each other nonstop and suddenly, as if a light-switch was turned on, I felt attracted to them. For years, I couldn't explain myself how I suddenly started feeling attracted to two people at two different times in two different situations after not having felt any attraction towards them for so long. I actually tried to bully myself into thinking I started feeling attracted to them because I felt guilty for rejecting them... but logically thinking, I highly doubt you're able to control your attraction :')

The opposite of that would be an experience I had with someone around 1.5 years ago. After only one to two months of meeting this person, they made it clear to me that they'd like me to be their girlfriend and that they wanted to start going out with me. This totally overwhelmed me because I barely knew this person and couldn't at all think of something like that. It would've been a lot more comfortable for me if we could've just hung out as friends to get to know each other... but unfortunately, this person couldn't wait. I do think that there could've been potential for me to develop an attraction to them because they are not bad-looking and also a sweet person. But I know that not everyone can wait for us demiaces to develop a connection first, and so, it's also okay for me that this person chose to move on.

Another example would be the difference between kissing someone I'm in a deep and committed relationship with vs. kissing someone at a party. When I was younger, I started to experiment with kissing people at parties before I've ever had a truly deep and intimate relationship with someone. I was honestly so disappointed. I was expecting kissing someone to feel exciting or ecstatic even... but it just felt... weird. It didn't feel bad per se but also not good, I just felt... nothing. And I felt totally indifferent towards the person I was kissing. At first I thought this is what kissing is supposed to feel like and I was honestly frustrated because I couldn't understand how others find it pleasurable. It did feel entirely different once I've finally gotten into a serious relationship and then my confusion started. For the longest of time, I simply argued this point by saying that doing sexual things with someone doesn't feel good to me as long as there isn't love involved. But nowadays, I know a little better and know that the actual reason was the lack of sexual attraction I was feeling to the people I kissed at parties. I never had an "urge" to kiss them, I mainly did so either because I was dared to do so (playing truth or dare) or because I was bored/curious and the alcohol in my system told me to "fuck it and have fun". Nowadays, I don't do this anymore because I'm not interested in sexual activity with people I'm not attracted to.

And a broader example would be me thinking something was wrong with me or that I was broken in a way, that I was destined to be alone. I used to beat myself up for being "too picky", I couldn't understand why I never felt attracted to anyone, never really had these intense crushes on a classmate or something despite there being a plethora of attractive people around me. I thought my standards must be way too high and that I'm not "that great" to even be allowed to have standards like that. But nowadays, I know it doesn't really have anything to do with standards and that I simply don't feel attracted to strangers/acquaintances no matter how good-looking they are. This revelation has been such a relief to me because I finally don't feel like something's wrong with me anymore.

Finding out about my demisexuality has not just helped me explain so many confusing moments I've experienced but it's also helped me be kinder to myself and not beating myself up for feeling things differently. Because now I know that my way of feeling things is just as valid as everyone else's.

[thequeeryareader]

Love Frankie by Jacqueline Wilson

10/10

Great for: 12-16, but would genuinely recommend for everyone!

I love Jacqueline Wilson. She is the embodiment of my childhood and love for reading. The Dare Game was the first book I read on my own; I would obsessively look for new Wilson books at the library; when my mum couldn't afford the Sleepover Club, she and my best friends mum split the cost and we would each have a week with the book.

When I started studying and reading queer ya/children's lit about four years ago, I was desperate to read a queer book by Jacqueline Wilson and was really disappointed that there wasn't one. Until now.

Love Frankie is about 13 year old Frankie, who lives with her two sisters Zara and Rowena and her mum, who suffers with MS. Frankie hates her dad after he left their mum for another woman and doesn't recognise how hard life with MS is. On top of that, Frankie is being bullied by Sally, who says that Frankie's mum is alcoholic after she had a fall at school. Everything changes though when Frankie and Sally make friends, and Frankie realises that she's in love with Sally...

One of the things you hear all the time about queer ya is 'I wish I'd had a book like this when I was younger!'but Love Frankie is the first where I really felt that. I was 20 when I finally came to terms with being bi, and that was after years of questioning and denial- out of all the books I've read, Love Frankie is the first queer book I've that I know would have made that process a lot shorter and less painful.

Jacqueline Wilson has always had a special skill with talking to teenage girls in her books and making them feel seen, and that hasn't changed. She shows the confusion of the first crush on a girl, and how it can be hard to tell the difference between wanting to be friends and more than friends. I love that she doesn't talk down to kids about what being queer at a young age means- that it's not just fine, it's great! You should be proud! But also shows that kids aren't 100% accepting.

Love Frankie also provides something which queer children's literature has been desperately missing, which is about queerness from a working class perspective. Seeing Frankie struggling made her £11 pocket money buy everyone's Christmas presents while questioning her sexuality was brilliant to see- I was a working class kid, and only seeing middle class stories being told was really frustrating, as if queerness was reserved for them. Working class communities, especially in the UK, are often stereotyped as being homophobic and I'm really glad Wilson challenges that and shows that queer working class kids are just as able to come out as middle class kids in grammar schools.

The one thing about reading Jacqueline Wilson as an adult is it makes you feel old. At one point, 13 year old Frankie talks about watching her favourite film from when she was little: Frozen. At which point I aged a thousand years. And as much as I related to Frankie, the character I related to most was her mum (very alarming for me). Like her mum, I suffer with chronic illness, and her experiences of exhaustion, loneliness and refusing to date because 'who'd want me?' attitude spoke so powerfully to my own experiences it took me aback.

I can't recommend Love Frankie enough- I'm really excited to see how kids respond to the book. I would really recommend getting a physical copy- it's a beautifully designed cover and looks gorgeous on a shelf.

[gh0stiegirlie]

synopsis: all it took was one glance at the hotheaded boy at the U.A. exam, and you were smitten. for deku, it was a single act of kindness that instigated his immediate attraction to uraraka. several months into school, best friends y/n and deku are left heartbroken when. uraraka and bakugou start a relationship. when you and deku find yourselves confiding in each other, a question arises; is this love, or loneliness? are you two better just as friends?

length: 4k words

a/n: i editted this shit to the gods, man. i hope you all enjoy! also, i can describe this chapter in one word: angst, angst, and more angst.

<- pt. 1                                                                                                 pt.3 ->

Across the campus, Bakugou and Uraraka experience a similar feeling.

It’s their first night together, and they’re spending it cuddling in Urarakas room. As much as Bakugou enjoys her physical praises, from the way she gently traces her fingers along the curves of his biceps to how she nuzzles against his chest for his warmth; her soft, delicate form feels foreign in his arms. 

Most girls love the protection of their boyfriends’ embrace, but Uraraka feels suffocated. Yet here she is, wrapped up like the perfect little present in Bakugou’s arms.

With the weeks that pass, the couples irritations and questions only grow.

You and Izuku hold hands, loosely. You only hold hands for the experience of touching another, and to perpetuate the class consciences that you are the “most wholesome couple in all U.A.”

Although your thoughts are far from 'wholesome'. You feel guilty of a heinous crime, though you're roaming free. Because here you are, hugging, cuddling, kissing Izuku, but thinking about Bakugou. And here’s Izuku buying you lunch, dropping you off at class and occasionally carrying your books around campus, wishing you were Uraraka.

Uraraka experiences persistent headaches because of Bakugous yelling. All he does is talk about being a hero, or complain about Deku. Everything is fucking Deku Deku Deku. In her head, Izuku clouds Bakugou. Her thoughts of Deku encompass her mind even when she’s with Bakugou. Every time she passes you and Izuku tenderly holding hands in the hall, her heart tightens. While Bakugou tugs her around like a dog on a leash, Deku grasps you with all the pride in the world, a radiant smile on his face. Two things about Bakugou; He never discloses his emotions, and he's never gentle.

Bakugou spends all his days avoiding landmines. Uraraka is so fragile, he's afraid one day he’ll squeeze her hand so tight she’ll shatter. Anything and everything he does either offends, hurts, embarrasses, or irritates her. He’s going crazy with all the rules and expectations Uraraka forces him to meet. He’s like putty in her hands, and she’s trying to mold him into a different person.

Uraraka only enjoys being with Bakugou when they’re taking out their frustrations through make-out sessions.

Y/n only enjoys being with Deku when they’re using eachothers lips as a way to escape their isolation.

For a while, their bonds remain relatively stable. But as time goes on, the weak foundations their relationships were built on begin to crumble.

You and Izuku arrive at the common area after an intense sparring match, which you lost against Kirishima. You courteously accepted your defeat, though Izuku remains pissy about it. 

“I just-- I can’t believe you lost!” he expresses, refusing to accept your failure.

“I know! I work so hard, and I’ve never lost a match before! I don’t understand… ” You fix your gaze on the floor, not wanting to meet Izuku’s disappointed eyes. "I guess it’s good I lost today, because now I know exactly what I need to work on! I had no idea my mind can't pierce solid surfaces." It's honestly cool Kirishima's hardening quirk kept your thoughts from breaking into his mind. Now you know to practice sending your thoughts to another person through a wall. "I guess if I never lost, I would end up an egotistical maniac… Like Bakugou!” you joke with a soft chuckle.

“Yeah! You just have to work harder!” Izuku agrees. 

You appreciate his positivity. While his attitude is always upbeat with others, his comments to you are always nasty.

“Maybe you haven’t been working hard enough, but I know you can do better! Everyone does! " he awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. "So when you lose, it’s embarrassing...” 

You rip your hand away from Deku. “What? Who’s it embarrassing for? You?” you question accusingly.

“Y-Yuh-Yes!” he sputters, “When you lose, it makes others think I'm a loser too! And if I want to be the number one hero, I can't have people thinking that!”

You bite the inside of your cheek as you think. He considers you to be this bright and shiny object he can brag about at show and tell. Now, you’re losing your polish. You’re collecting a little bit of dust and a few scrapes, and he's losing interest. Already, Deku wants to move on to the next object that catches his eye. 

Not only that, but he craves whatever looks good on headlines. He desires magazine covers to display "number one hero marries highschool sweetheart!" He wants "unbeatable hero couple foil supervillain 100!". Apparently "Deku is never going to be the top hero because his girlfriend lost one fight her freshman year at U.A.!" is the article he's currently imagining. 

“I’m not just some gold medal you can show off to others, Izuku. And I'm especially not some perfect little prize you can wrap up in a cute little bow. I’m human. That means sometimes I win, and sometimes I fuck up.” you retort calmly, trying to keep your cool. 

“We’re called the golden girl and boy for a reason. We’re supposed to grow up being the perfect, powerful couple,” he reaches for your hand, but you flinch away. 

“It doesn’t really seem like we are, does it?! Our whole ‘golden couple’ label is complete bullshit!” you bicker. “We, as people, aren’t perfect. We never will be. No one ever will be!" You laugh humorlessly. "And our relationship sure as hell isn’t.” 

Deku closes his eyes with a sigh. “We--We just have to try. I’m doing my part to work as hard as I can to get better. I’m not going to suffer because I'm carrying your losses on my back. I'm not letting you get in the way of my dream to be the number one hero.” 

You get it. Because he's praised for his powerful physical quirk, he thinks he's better than you. Because he's physical quirk always leaves him battered, he thinks he's suffered more than you. Because he can go to the gym every day, get ripped and show off his muscular calves with every kick, he thinks he works harder than you.

After months of petty arguments, Izuku has finally found a way to make you snap.“Oh shut up, Izuku! You know I've worked my entire fucking life for where I am now! I've told you stories from my past I've never so much as mentioned to others! How I went home crying from middle school every damn day because of migraines! How everyone there considered me some kind of--of alien, some freak because I'm able to get inside people's heads! How I was bullied for practicing my power because kids considered it a quirk more suited for a villain! It was hard, but I managed to ignore all that crap and kept working! And I still work hard. Every. Single. Fucking. Day." You take a ragged breath, unphased by Izuku's shocked expression. Good. He should be shocked. He should feel bad. Because he's crossed a fucking line. "And how come it’s only bad when I lose when you’ve lost plenty of times, Izuku?! ” You pointedly stick your finger at him and poke his chest with it. “Remember how you practically failed the entrance exam?! How about when Todorki beat the crap out of you at the Sports Festival!” you yell. With every point, you shove your finger into Izuku's chest. Eventually, you push him against a wall. “Don’t try and act like you’re above me because you have a powerful external quirk.” You shut your eyes and when you open them, they’re glowing e/c. “Because my mental quirk can fuck someone up just as bad as any of your stupid punches.” You warn, before whirling around. “I’m going to my room, Izuku. Come with me if you want.” 

Of course, he follows you like a lost puppy.

Every pitbull is an adorable, loveable puppy before it grows up into a vicious hound. You thought you could fall in love Deku, you really did. But you were capable of loving the Deku whom Izuku pretended to be. The innocent Deku you approached on the first day of school, after noticing he was acting as flustered as you felt. The thoughtful Deku who wanted nothing more than a friend to run to the vending machine with between classes. The friendly Deku who you invited over to movie night, who buried his head into his blanket in embarrassment every time two characters did it on screen, and cried every time someone died. 

You could've fallen in love with your best friend.

Either he's changed, or since you're his girlfriend, he can’t hide who he truly is anymore. You know how he will do anything to have the public opinion in his favor. You know he will sacrifice anything during his climb to Number One Hero, even if it’s crushing you. 

You wordlessly walk side by side to your dorm, but as you near the dorm hallway, some bitch interrupts your silence.

“Why do you always have to yell, Bakugou!?” Uraraka yells from inside Bakugou’s room, which is coincidentally a few dorms down the hall from yours. You and Izuku turn into the hallway in time to witness Uraraka barge out of Bakugous room. She rubs her temples in frustration. When she notices the two of you outside your room, she eases her body language and lowers her voice to sweetly ask, “Can you just calm down, babe?”

“Don’t order me around! I’m being perfectly calm and rational!!” Bakugou shouts in response. “You’re the one who needs to calm down! You’re worked up over nothing! This is how I am, and I’m not going to change for some shitty woman!” he storms over to Uraraka, oblivious to the fact you and Izuku are watching this play out. That, or he just doesn’t give a shit.

Uraraka gasps. “I’m your girlfriend, you can’t call me that!” she chides. “This is exactly what I don’t like about you! You’re so aggressive all the time!” She fusses, like a child having a tantrum. Her bangs dance around her head as she stomps away from Bakugou, but he grabs her wrist to keep her in place. "Let me go! Being around you gives me headaches.”

“We should probably go~” Izuku whispers, attempting to open your door.

You slap his hand away. “I wanna see what happens,” you whisper back.

Izuku nervously glances between you and the arguing couple. “You’re so nosy! Come on, we’re leaving.” he decides, but you try to stay put. He then simply uses his quirk to overpower you and drag you inside, though even through four sets of rooms and a closed door, you can hear their argument.

“Being around you gives me headaches! All you do is nag about that nerds shitty girlfriend, and how shitty I am!” Bakugou explains. His insult doesn’t hurt you as much as you expect it to, because you can hear it. To someone who hasn’t listened intently to his screams and threats for the past few months, his voice appears as crass as always. But you hear the desperation in his voice. All he wants is for Uraraka to read between the lines and hear what he truly is saying, but no matter how hard he tries, she doesn’t. And it’s hurting him. He’s frustrated and in pain, because all she wants is for him to change every aspect of himself. Can she not see that? “Getting a girlfriend isn’t a part of being a hero, and it’s not something I need to pick up on my way to the top. I’m doing this because I can stand you. But I don’t need a damn girlfriend, especially when all mine does is make me feel like crap.” He’s describing his feelings in his own Bakugou way, but she doesn’t understand his language. And by the way he worded this last sentence, it sounds like he’s starting to give up. 

“If you don’t need me, then why are we dating!”

At this point, you’re sick of hearing their bullshit. You leave your room to yell at the couple and hopefully get them to shut the fuck up.

Izuku tries to hold you back. “Leave it alone!” he hisses, but you leave anyway.

“Uraraka, can you shut the hell up?” you jeer. This is the third time this week she’s made your fucking ears bleed with her screeching. Bakugou leans on the all and snickers, convinced someone has taken his side. But oh, if the boy who broke your heart thinks he’s safe from your candor, he’s wrong. You jut your chin at him. “And Bakugou, go find a wall to punch.” You turn towards your door. “Go work this shit out in couples counseling or something. 'Cuz you guys need fuckin therapy.” 

Bakugou snorts, enraging Uraraka. First, you steal Deku, and now Bakugou’s laughing at your jokes? Not happening.

“Leave us alone, Y/n!” she huffs, her pink cheeks now red with irritation. You flip her off before slamming your door shut. Bakugou’s eyes gawk at your closed door, unsure if he loves you or hates you. Either way, your remarks emit a small, impressed ‘huh’ from him. 

From that point on, Bakogous thoughts of you revolve around one question; Who knew the golden girl was such a badass?

After months of sleepless nights (due to overthinking Izuku's daily insults and listening to Bakugou and Uraraka’s endless arguments), your first year of U.A. nears its end. On one hand, you’re excited to take some time for your mental health. On the other, you’re going to miss kicking ass in weekly training (especially Izukus), and then following those brawls with Class 1-A movie night (which Izuku always spent touching you as minimally as possible, either because you ‘barely won’ or because you defeated him). Bakugou can't wait to get the hell away from Uraraka and her endless spew of horseshit. She doesn't know how to do anything but make crap float and talk shit about him or Izuku’s girl. She always goes on and on about how exhausting his yelling is, but listening to her nonstop yabbering makes spending summer locked away, either in a gym or in his kitchen, sound like heaven on earth. 

With only a month of school left, Izuku waits outside your dorm for you to finish getting ready for the day, growing anxious as the minutes’ tick closer to the first bell.

A few doors down, Uraraka impatiently taps her shoe on the ground as she waits for Bakugou.

If there’s one thing you and Bakugou have in common, it’s your impunctuality. 

“Hey! Sorry that took so long! I kept fucking up my eyeliner,” You exit your room and blow a stray piece of bangs out of your eye to check out your wings on your phone screen. “Nice,” You shove your phone into your bag, satisfied.

“Babe, you don’t need to spend so much time on makeup!” Izuku cups your cheeks with his hands, but focuses on your eyeliner instead of your eyes with a slight grimace on his face. “You’re beautiful without it,” 

He says it politely, but you know this a backhanded compliment. He hates that you wear makeup, even though its the barebones that simply consists of mascara, eyebrows, and eyeliner. He prefers ‘natural’ girls, even though there is no way Urarakas cheeks are naturally that pink. You push his hands off your face. “I know Zuzu, thank you. But I like it.” You hold his hands tightly before dropping them.

Uraraka cringes as the sight of her boyfriend. “Katsuki!” she whines. Even though the whole point of the uniform is to signify everyone's equality, Bakugou loves wearing it in a way that screams “I’m the main character and better than you!” 

His baggy pants sag to expose his shitty job of tucking in his shirt, and ball around the combat boots he refuses to take off. Per usual, he leaves his buttons undone and doesn’t bother wearing the staple red tie.

“How come you’re late but still look like a mess?” Uraraka complains. She reaches out her hand to arrange his askew vest, but he pulls away from her. 

“I’m fine.” he aggressively grabs her hand and begins to pull her towards class. “Let’s go,”

Uraraka spots Izuku watching and stops Bakugou dead in his tracks. 

By planting a giant kiss on his face. 

“Eugh. Get a room!” You grouse, rolling your eyes at the repulsive sight. But Uraraka keeps it going by practically shoving him against the wall. “You might as well pull down his pants and suck him off while you’re at it!”

Bakugou pulls away from Uraraka to snicker at your comment. 

Hearing Bakugou snigger at a joke you made… It gives your heart a reason to beat for the first time in months. You proudly slip your fingers into Deku’s and glide away, Bakugous eyes following you entire time.

The halls are nearly empty, only a few irresponsible students straggling to class or hovering around their lockers.

“So, do you want to be partners for the Aizawa project?” Izuku questions, like either of you have any other friends to partner up with. He hauls you along as he speedwalks to class.

“Yeah! I wonder what it is.” You move at a steady pace, knowing there's plenty of time to enjoy a pleasant walk to class together before the bell rings. 

“I don’t know! Mirio and the other third years wouldn’t tell me!” Deku whines, tugging at your hand to bring you up to speed. “Y/n, hurry upppp! We’re going to be late!” 

“Dude, you’re gonna rip my arm off!" you moan, rubbing your forearm.

“Shhh,” he hushes. 

Although you expect this attitude by now, it still pisses you off. If Deku expects you to deal with him treating you like garbage, he's wrong.

"You'll be sorry the next time you do that," you mumble, but he pretends not to hear, instead using his quirk to squeeze your hand in reply. Hard.

You barely wince.

“Now let’s go into class!” Izuku intertwines your fingers, straightens himself up, and tells you to put on a smile. He doesn’t do this because wants to hold your hand or genuinely cares about you, but because he enjoys the dramatic chorus of cheers you two always receive as you enter the classroom. If there’s anything Deku likes about your relationship, it’s how he gets to show you off like a trophy. His trophy. 

You enter class, and Mina immediately screams about how cute and perfect you two are together.

The golden boy and golden girl are dating. Honestly, who wouldn’t love that?

Bakugou doesn’t. He scoffs and turns away while everyone else encourages your shit show. Uraraka claps stiffly.

The corners of your mouth sink the instant the class’s attention shifts to some dumb pun Kaminari made. Bakugou is the only one to notice your smile fall when you reach your desk. He notices how you lean your head against the palm of your hand to stare out the window instead of at your boyfriend. You look… Tired. Like you’re tired of this act while Izuku relishes in the praise. Currently, he’s making a show to Uraraka of all the cute dates he’s taken you on while you create a show inside your head. A show where you and Bakugou are the ones going on cute days. Izuku uses his conversation with Uraraka as a way to silently convince her he’s better than Bakugou (and she’s falling for it), while you are just silent.

You shift uncomfortably in your seat, the eerie feeling of someone watching you sending your mind racing. When you turn to discover Bakugou is the one studying you, your face turns dark red and you immediately look away. The blush only fades once Aizawa starts talking.

“Class, today I will assign your partners for the quirk assessment.”

“Assign?!” The whole class screams in unison horror.

“Why are you assigning partners?!” Mina cries out, dramatically fainting across her desk. 

“Yeah! That’s not fair!” Kaminari adds on furiously.

“Nuh-no it’s not!” Mineta defends Aizawa’s decision, but internally drools over the idea of being paired with a girl.

“Settle down,” Aizawa silences the class with a single wave of his hand. “I understand you want to choose your partners, but in this assessment we want you to study the quirk of another person. Most likely, you all already know about your closest friends quirks. I want to pair you with someone new so you have to learn about a quirk you know nothing about.” he explains, to which the class to a reluctant conscientious that it's a good idea.

He clears his throat. “So, Mineta and Hagakure”

Mineta shrugs as if to say “good enough”, while Hagakure groans in disgust. 

You tune out the list, only listening for Izuku and Bakugou. As more names leave Aizawa’s lips and Izuku is already paired with Kirishima and Uraraka with Momo, you start to wonder who your partner will be. Who else hasn’t been mentioned? Damn, if only you had paid attention.

Finally, Aizawa reaches the last set of names. That’s when it hits you.

Aizawa hasn’t said Bakugou’s name.

“And…”

There’s no way.  This can’t be possible—

“Y/n and Bakugou.” Aizawa sighs. “You will have a presentation due on each other’s quirks next week. Get to work” he explains before zipping himself into his sleeping bag and flopping to the floor. 

You remain glued to your seat, completely frozen in shock. 

You already have a feeling this project isn’t going to end well. 

“Hey! Y/n!” Uraraka calls out from across the class, before squeezing through people to get to you. She pushes out her lip, clasps her hands together, and widens her eyes till the twinkle. “Do you think I can be with Bakugou, please? We’re kinda dating!” she exclaims as if it wasn’t obvious by how they were literally making out in front of you this morning. 

Without a second thought, you reply. “No.” You walk over to Bakugou and sit on his desk. “Sorry. I don’t want to bother Aizawa” you shrug nonchalantly, angering Uraraka to no end. But you know she’s too kind to say anything, and merely smiles to distract you from the steam spewing from her ears. 

“Okay! That’s fine!” she skips over to Bakugou and kisses his cheek. “Have fun babe,” she whispers before walking away with clenched fists. 

You think it’s interesting Bakugou didn’t say a single thing during the whole interaction. 

Does he want to be partners with you?

Or are you just the better option compared to his girlfriend?

Either answer is a good one, you suppose.

“Tch. Follow me, extra. We’re going outside.” Bakugou leaves his seat and shoves his hands deep into his pockets before lumbering away, leaving you to catch up. 

“Hey-- Wait up!” You call out. Bakugou huffs and leans against the doorframe. “Why are we going outside?”

Bakugou quirks an eyebrow at you with a smirk, igniting explosions from his palm. “It’ll be easier to learn about your quirk if I’m trying to blast you to hell.” 

“What?! No! I’m not fighting you!” you retaliate, stepping back into the classroom. You’re not in the mood to get your ass kicked by Bakugou, as hot as that sounds. 

“No wonder you’re dating Deku, you’re a coward too!” Bakugou taunts, his outburst washing a wave of silence across the classroom. You manage to keep your body relaxed and expression unperturbed, though fury rages within you. You will not let his intimidation frighten you. You refuse to be the reason he wears his sneer of satisfaction, that sickening smile that appears every time he successfully threatens or demolishes an opponent. 

You stare at the ground as dozens of eyes burn into your back, eagerly awaiting your response. 

Then, you do something you never thought was possible.

You raise one of your fists and punch Bakugou’s pretty face. 

“It’s on, Bakugou.” You spit. Before he reacts, you sprint down the hall towards the training grounds. 

[multiocblog]

Greetings~! Welcome to my blog!

Just a little introduction, and some rules along with it~! ^^

Hello~! My name is Brianna but you may call me Bree~ I like to write stories, and create my own characters and such- It's what makes me happy~! And I love when I get to act like my OCs and interact with people! So, I created this blog~! (Sorry this post is quite long so be ready to read-)

To start out this blog, I have 7 OCs I will be making introductions for, so you can find out some about them, and interact with asks!

I have 2 OCs from Black Butler, 3 OCs from Diabolik Lovers, and 2 OCs from My Hero Academia! (I have many many more OCs soon to be added to this blog once I get consistent and completely settled in!)

Theres a brief intro to each at the bottom of the page!

((I write better than what I did there I swear-))

In the meantime, here are the

Rules:

No NSFW asks PLEASE! They make me very uncomfortable, and any asks I think might be dirty in any way, I will not answer.

Please make sure you put the OCs name in parenthesis or brackets so I am aware of which OC you are talking too! Ex." [To Arabella] I love your outfit! "

Please be kind! I will not accept hate comments or anything of the sort towards a subject, opinion, or an OC!

PLEASE "tag" or label accordingly to anything, slightly, definitely, or mildly triggering, even if you're not sure! I just want to make sure that everyone can scroll through my blog without having to be weary! Ex. [TW death]

Please do not flood the askbox or get mad that I don't answer right away! I can't always be online for I have a life to live outside of social media. This is purely for fun! ^^

Please no asks about r*ape, inc*st, pe*dophilia, or anything of the sort! Talk of those subjects will not be tolerated on this blog!

I am the admin to this account, therefore, I am allowed to reject or ignore ANY ask if need be.

((Rules will be updated, should the need arise.))

Bye for now~!

((OC info under read more!!))

Kyoko Komori (DL) ((OC based off the anime. Though I've heard plenty about the games, I have not yet played them, so if I get some things wrong I apologize in advance.))With Kyoko everything is the same. Yui has Cordelias heart and such and was supposed to be sent to the brothers. However, in this universe, Yui has an older sister, one year apart, whom has also been adopted, except she knows it. When she overhears something about her younger sister, her only sister, being sent away to vampires, she decides to take her place. To protect her.

Alyssa Freeman (MHA) ((I have not watched the entirety of MHA yet, and really I don't plan too anytime soon. So if I get anything wrong please correct me, and spoilers to the anime for me are welcomed. Let's just act like I've seen it all-)) Alyssa hates villains. And heros for that matter. All of them. When her apartment was destroyed from a casualty in a battle, Alyassa labeled heros as reckless and careless of the people around them. Herself and her little brother where heading back to the apartment, when she saw it crumbling down. Her parents and grandparents still inside, along with her best friend who was going to surprise Alyssa with a visit. Now she lives on the streets, doing whatever she can to provide for herself and her little brother.

Ongaku Yamada Aizawa (MHA) ((Again, haven't seen it, let's just pretend I have. Also this OC is in result of a ship. I don't really ship it, but I thought both their powers together would be cool so I thought, why not?)) When Ongaku was young, she was always bullied in 1st and 2nd grade for having two dads. One time, she got in trouble for heavily injuring a student with her voice quirk. You can insult her all you want, but not her dads. So, in 3rd grade, she kept a lie she created, that she only has one dad, Erasure Head Shota Aizawa, and that her mother died when she was born. Turns out the lie worked pretty well, people loved her and she was seen as an icon for having a prohero as a father. Shes was usually a quiet person, kept to herself, no friends, only spoke when spoken too. It was just her, her drawings and her music in her headphones. To this day, she keeps the lie, and keeps her distance, even at her new school, in U.A. (She also develops a major crush on Tenya Iida while there.👀)

Lilly and Lila Sakamaki (DL) ((Just thought I'd make one description for both bc they're twin sisters. This is also result of a ship. Ayato x Yui.)) Lilly and Lila are polar opposites despite their similar looks. Lila loves the cutesy, pink, flower stuff, and Lilly is all "tough" and "all that" (When shes really insecure-) Lilly is extremely protective over her sister, and possive too. She doesn't let any man even glance in her general direction. Basically if a man wants to ask Lila out, hes gonna have to go through some interrogation. Lila loves her sister deeply, and is basically like her sisters personal therapist. Lilly will only vent and show emotion around Lila. Lila tries to get her sister Lilly into pink, but with no prevail. Typically, you'll find Lilly hanging out with "Uncle Reiji", for she has a secret interest in his experiments and such. She'll also cuddle with Uncle Shu whenever she has time. And Lila loves hanging out with Uncle Kanato and Uncle Laito. She'll have tea partys with Kanato all the time. Lilly always tries to get Lila away from Laito. She says he's "demented" and "weird". But, Lila doesn't listen and hangs out with him anyway. Laito and Kanatos typical nickname for Lila is, Lilac or Little Flower. Both twins are vampires. Yui always teaches them about God and how to be selfless and kind, while Ayato plays sports with Lilly and cute video games (like Animal Crossing) with Lila.

Arabella Phantomhive (BB) ((This OC is placed in the future, and based off a ship, Ciel X Lizzy. Please be aware that, even though my OC speaks multiple languages, I do NOT. So, as bad as it sounds, I'll probably use Google Translate if I must use another language-😅 ) When Ciel and Lizzy are older and married, they have a little girl. Half human. Half demon. Arabella was taught how to be a lady, ballet, and sword fighting by her mother. And she was taught chess, ballroom dancing and more sword fighting by her father. Instead of going to a school, little Ara was homeschooled, by Sebastian, the Phantomhive Butler. He taught her multiple languages, such as Russian, Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, and her personal favorite, French. Time skip to the age of 10, she saw her mother murdered before her, and her father taken by some strange light beings. Having been raised by Sebastian since then, now she's 17, running the Funtom company, and determined to avenge her mother and find her father. :)

Robert Trancy (BB) ((This OC correlates with the Arabella OC, and is in the same storyline.)) Robert J. Trancy was his sweet Arabellas betrothed since birth. Even though it is set to be an arranged marriage, Robert always had a crush on his Arabella, and was awaiting the day to marry his beloved. Robert is a sensitive and kind boy, but sarcastic and joking all the same having been raised by Alois Trancy. He has no idea of whom his mother is, and was always told she died when he was born. At the age of 6, it was at a party when he saw his father dead on the floor of the long corridor. He didn't exactly see his fathers death, but he heard it, and knew exactly who did it. Ciel Phantomhive. He was determined to make his revenge. Having made a contract with Claude, his fathers old butler, he now lives alone in the manor, sending all the old servants away, except Claude. He makes frequent visits to his sweet Blue Rose however. He's a very insecure boy, full of anger, bitterness, jealousy, and sadness, but hides it well behind humor and love for his bride-to-be.

That was very long- and for that I apologize-

[lunarkat87]

It's been so long since I posted to this blog. I guess I stopped when I lost touch with my best friend who was like a sister. I've been wishing I could talk to her for guidance for so long, but I had to let her go for myself. She was attempting to push a guy on me when I wasn't ready, and purely so I would have a reason to move back to our hometown. Didn't she remember how bad that place was for me? I was homeless for nearly 4 years, bouncing between places, never secure, just surviving. Every time we talked I could feel my energy depleting, but she was my best friend, so why would I leave her? She was getting married, so naturally she was focused a lot on that, and I was meant to be her maid of honor. And as the MOH, it was my job to stand up for the bride, and to get the bridal party in order. So when I saw how much they kept hurting her, and how she was more sad about her experience as a bride than happy, I stepped up to the plate. Me, the girl terrified of her own shadow on some days. But I did it, and she called me her only friend, and her other bridesmaids did not like it, so they ran to her.... and she called me a bully. It was in that moment that my heart was broken, that she could think I had bullied people into something. She was ultimately my soul mate, we were meant to be in each others lives... and suddenly I was reduced to this one word. And all the pain, all the hurt I had over the years preceding this came pouring out, how she guilt tripped me, how I needed her and she wasn't there, how just because it wasnt what she wanted to do she didn't stick to plans with me. How she blew me off time and again, and how she stopped seeing me and I always had to travel to see her. And it was done. And what broke my heart more was the relief that I felt after I sent her an email. I loved her, so why would I be relieved? But as I write this today, I wish I could talk to her. Because she was and has always only ever been, the person that understood me. Who understood my heart, my mind, my emotions. Who helped me heal from my ex-fiancé that cheated on me. On the days I felt like giving up, and not being able to see through the blinding pain she was there to support me. She sent me quotes, she texted me every day, she made sure I was okay. And she always knew deep down I wasn't, and she was okay with that. She didn't expect or need me to be. And I wish I could have her now, because as I write this that fragile heart that I had finally fixed, has broken and shattered all over again.

You see, I met a guy. It had been 2 years, and I was ready to open myself to the idea of love again, especially because I realized I did not love my ex anymore, nor had I for a long time. I had tried dating in between those years, but it never felt right, or like I was ready. But after spending time on my own and feeling empowered, I downloaded a dating app. But it wasn't long before I began to dislike it, I don't like judging based off of pictures, and only a few words. I was feeling discouraged, maybe I wasn't ready... but then the app pinged for someone they thought I might like. I saw him and thought, wow he is handsome, he has a smile that I could melt from, and.... was that a racoon on his head?? I had to know, and so I hoped he would respond. And there began my downfall, because he did.

We spent an entire week texting, and I found myself eager and smiling at my phone. I was actually excited, and couldn't wait to meet him in person. We even came up with nicknames... he was Cinna-Ron because he asked me if I thought he was as sweet as a cinnamon roll... and he was, but even more so. My heart pounded as I waited to meet at the boba shop where he would pick me up for our date. And when he finally arrived, he was even more amazing in person. And he brought me burgundy colored carnations, it was that moment I knew I'd love those flowers forever. He opened my door for me and was a true gentleman, and when he leaned in to kiss me, I felt the world slow and my heart stop. All I could think was "wow~" we spent the whole night together, talking and kissing and flirting and I was convinced I had never felt more alive. And so began my hope.... that evil, snaring, soul crushing light..... the hope that things would keep going well, and that he felt the same way. To my excitement he did, and it was like I had known him forever. I was so unbelievably happy, and excited, and absolutely terrified. Because deep down I knew he was going to break my heart.... and so I ignored all of my alarms, my instincts. "Run away, he is going to hurt you" "don't let him in, keep him at a distance" "this will only lead to pain" and I could feel my heart shake from fear... like it knew it wouldn't survive another fracture... but I stood my ground, I was going to fight myself and trust for once, because he was nothing like anyone I had ever met before. He made me feel safe, he was why I took so long to come back, because I wanted to give him a real unicumbered chance at loving me, instead of pushing him away. I was happy being alone, I was content with myself and who I was, but I wanted to share it.... so I let him in.

Not long after I began to have health issues, an excruciating pain developed in my abdomen that I never found a real answer for. I hurt my wrist at work, and was in a minor fender bender that hurt my upper back. I was in my last year of Nursing school, and so the stress began to overwhelm me and I started overeating again. Before I knew it I was 30 pounds heavier.... but worst of all the darkness started creeping back in.... here was my depression again.... and crippling anxiety.... it began to be too dark to see any light.... I failed 2 exams in my last semester.... but I still had hope and light because he was there. Reminding me I was smart and I could do it.... and when I opened up about my mental health, I told him I would understand if he didnt want to stay because he didnt sign up for that... and he told me he wasn't going anywhere.... and so I had some hope to hold onto.... because I knew the real Kat was in there still, but the world was piling it on and I was suffocating, and he was patient enough for me to get back to me again. A week later he changed his mind.... he decided he couldn't "reciprocate as strong of feelings" for me as I had for him. A polite way of saying he doesn't love me, and knew he never would. And just like that, hope was gone....

Did I imagine it? The last 8 months? Was I really the only one who fell in love? Did I misread all of his actions as just really strong like and not love? The only reason I was open about my feelings towards him was because I genuinely believed he felt the same, his actions spoke louder than his words, or lack thereof. And I said I would wait for when he was ready to say it back, because I wasn't going anywhere and he made me believe he felt the same.... little did I realize he had one foot out the door from the start of our relationship. He thought the feelings would grow but they never did.... so when he smiled at me and held me close did he feel nothing? Was there not a fire roaring in his chest for me? Did not every fear and care melt away? Did the sound of my voice not send a thrill through his heart? Did he not look at me and feel pure happiness? What happened? What went wrong? What changed? It was me. It had to be me. Why else would he decide this now? He couldnt see the girl he first met anymore, I was a whole new person to him and he did not like what he saw or how he felt with me. And so he decided it wasn't "fair" to me if he kept me because he couldn't "reciprocate as strong of feelings."

Ultimately I don't believe I ever really had a chance with him, because he kept me at a distance emotionally. I realize now he never truly opened himself to me, and when he saw how serious, how real a relationship with me could be. He chose to run instead of opening his heart to being hurt. So you know what, maybe I do deserve better than that. I deserved the person he made me believe be was, he started out all in but I didnt realize he had that foot out the door, especially after I told him those three words. He has an idea of what he thinks love is like and how it's supposed to last, but doesn't realize that love is different each time you find it. He always told me he loves love, so why didnt he want the love in front of him? I think he still holds his heart for the one girl he ever really loved. So he'll never find what he is looking for because each new person he brings into his world, he never really gives a chance to, they'll never fit that mold. How can he expect to love someone, if he doesn't allow himself to? And yet, here I am... still wondering why I was not enough.... it's never enough.... and so I've closed my heart to love permanently. Because I can't stand this pain.... I feel so tricked... and so betrayed... the only quote befitting this is by Bob Marley "The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her." How do I trust love if it ever comes again? Because what I mistook for love from him, was apparently nothing.... how do I trust actions now? How do I trust myself? And how did I mean absolutely nothing to him? Why am I the only one hurting? How was I so blind? I was foolish to believe someone like him actually loved me... it never crossed my mind that he didn't... he never made me feel otherwise.... I hate this. But what can I do? He'll never regret this decision, that isn't like him. Why would he regret leaving someone he doesn't love? He'll never miss me, for the same reasons. I can't make him love me if he doesn't. I'll be a fleeting thought for him, but for me he'll always be that maybe. I'll always find myself wanting to talk to him, wishing I could be with him. And if he ever does find love, I'll likely envy that girl. Because she must be something truly special to awaken his love... so I'll go back to finding myself. I'll try to finish school amidst this chaos in the world, become a nurse, buy a house with a backyard for my dogs. And be content knowing that I don't want love, I don't want this pain. I reached for too much happiness and light, and so the universe has ripped all of that away from me, reminding me that I don't get that kind of contentment. School hangs in the balance, still unsure if they will be able to continue due to Covid-19. The man I thought loved me is gone, and my love with him. That bright shiny future I thought was waiting this year is gone. So now I'm lost to wander alone. But this time I choose to be, because this pain isn't worth my sanity, or my life. I'm tired of surviving, I want to live.... Goodbye my sweetest of cinnamon rolls... I know you'll never see this... but I hope you know the love I felt was real...

03/19/2020 2220

[ae-diaries]

My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible. 

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image. 

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako. 

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action. 

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared. 

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City). 

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op. 

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?", 

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness. 

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself. 

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness. 

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought  them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.   

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall. 

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it!  - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar