being up at this hour without my girlfriend being awake is dangerous because i like to call this hour “buying random stuff amazon suggests me and completely forgetting about it until it arrives the next day”
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Today I went shopping at target with my husband.
I stopped to search for a specific product and he moved onto the next aisle. Once I found what I was looking for, I heard my husband bringing the cart around again. As soon as he was in my periphery, I turned around and dropped my products into his cart.
Except it wasn’t his cart.
It wasn’t my husband.
It was just some random dude with his cart.
And I had just dropped a box of Monistat -1 into his cart.
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Not me being on the brink of deleting my blog and disappearing into the unknown to coming up with a new story and vigorously typing it down on my computer.
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Love love love being me and thinking things are finally going ok only to get that good old slap in the face reminder that my mode of contribution to (work, community, art, family) is not preferred by the majority, that my contributions are both too little (lazy, “not connected,” inconvenient to accommodate) and too much (too loud, too wordy, too demanding, too uncomfortable), and that I’m the problem if I speak up or feel hurt about any of this (oversensitive, reading into things, misinterpreting)
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I thought what we had was good
That you were good for me
But then you decided I was bad for you
Or at least more bad than good
And made me feel hard to love
Which maybe I am …
Now when I look back at us
I try and tell myself ways you were bad for me
Trick my brain that it’s true
But I can’t help but feel
You were still good to me
And I was the problem …
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After further review I think Tharn may be an unreliable narrator. That is- he knows more than even we know. I DONT KNOW MAN
On one hand I think he’s truly oblivious but on the other I think he knows more than he’s leading on.
FUCK it ain’t even that deep man
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Someone in my life, someone that pursued a relationship with me, has put up a boundary and chosen to exit my life because I trigger them.
EDIT: Despite what I wrote earlier in the day while emotionally charged (see below…) I’m choosing to believe this decision is what’s best for the other person, so it will be what is best for me.
Sometimes people leave our lives for reasons that have nothing to do with us and everything to do with choosing to care for themselves first… and that’s okay. I’m trying not to internalize and to instead regroup and keeping moving forward in my search for more genuine human connection.
feel the feeling, sit with it, let it go, stretch: grow forward
🧠
Logically I understand this person is doing what they need to do to keep themselves safe but it’s guttting to have it confirmed that I’m the fucking problem.
baby really hurt me, crying in the taxi
he don't wanna know me
says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm
says it was poison
I left this friend on read on Monday while I wrapped up a 20 hour shift that went through the night. It was also my son’s birthday so after working those 20 hours I dragged my bones home to sing my son happy birthday. I fell asleep on the couch and then it was Tuesday and I was rushing to work where I got battered a bit by my inability to get things done on time and so I didn’t respond to him until I was walking into my home Tuesday and … I triggered him. My inability to communicate triggered him and for him it was the last straw.
I had probably triggered him a dozen times before. Too chaotic, too childish, too self absorbed, too scattered, too flighty, too much.
He said he thought he had a problem with alcohol and a problem with our friendship. He never did quit drinking but he sure as fuck quit me.
Too much. Too much. Too much. Between the bpd and the adhd… Always too much.
I thought this person was my friend. I … do not understand why I am so delusional in believing I can make an actual friend but it’s exhausting to keep trying.
People, men in particular, will seek me out looking to fill their needs… she’s so full of life, she’s so funny, she’s so pretty, she’s so wonderful, she’s got such a “good heart”.
I try to be open and kind and honest and myself… I stupidly allow myself to be VULNERABLE…. again and again … and then once they’re done with me, it’s directly to the nearest trash. 🚮
the truth is I am a toy that people enjoy
‘til all of the tricks don't work anymore
and then they are bored of me
i know that it's exciting running through the night, but
every perfect summer's eating me alive until you're gone
better on my own
I’m so toxic he can’t even speak to me anymore. 🙂
Everybody agrees.
Friends communicate. Friends work it out. Friends … TRY. Were you ever really my friend? Why not communicate with me? Maybe we both could have grown… but it’s not even worth the fucking effort. I’m not even worth the effort.
The reality of being the manic pixie dream girl is so fucking lonely and gutteral. It’s being the fucking pretty positive ray of sunshine everyone wants to talk to, but the person no one wants once they get to know.
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I’m not allowed to be mad. I am either too much or never enough in everything I do. If I’m angry at a situation, make others aware I’m frustrated ahead of time, or even when I show weakness, I am told everything I don’t do in their own defense when I was never even trying to attack them. I do not have the luxury of a refuge, not in a parent, partner, sister, friend, or even myself. No one is magically going to know my feelings, let me become unglued, and tell me everything I’ve always wanted to hear. I was never meant to be loved at my lowest, just my most useful.
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