Living in Secrecy
I couldn't stop thinking about this idea when I was in the middle of a uni class so ENJOY xoxo
"Hey, y'know Rose?" James starts speaking as soon as he's sat beside Sirius in the common room. He seems... antsy; Sirius watching his leg bounce, confused.
"Hufflepuff in our year, right?" He asks. He doesn't know her particularly well. Part of him thinks they were in the same charms class for a year, but he barely remembers fifth year charms. Too much was happening back then.
James nods emphatically, eyes brightening.
"Yeah! Her! I've heard she likes you. Wants you to ask her out."
"Oh, really?" Sirius asks. He tries to muster a sense of interest into his tone, but honestly? He couldn't care less. James, who unfortunately can read him like a book, picks up on this scarily quickly.
"I thought, maybe, it would be... good for you. Y'know, to go on a date." He's practically stumbling through it, but it's enough to make everything click.
Ah.
Right.
He's worried.
Sirius used to date around. He's not exactly proud of it, he spent a lot of time denying a very big part of himself, and he broke a lot of hearts in the process.
All of that ground to a halt when Remus kissed him on the astronomy tower.
He couldn't deny anything then. When Remus' lips met his, all he could think was that they'd wasted too much time not being together in this way. He's not quite there yet, but at least he knows that now. He knows he has a long way to go, but at least he has Remus. Even if he isn't ready to tell people yet, Remus understands.
That also meant no more girls.
He had gone from never being single in the eyes of the school to rejecting every advance thrown his way. He's been so wrapped up in the past few months with Remus, that he hadn't even thought about how confusing a switch that must have been for his friends.
"Prongs, I'm not really interested," Sirius says gently. He does want to tell James. It's pretty tempting, but he can't get the words past his mind and into his mouth. Not yet.
"How come?" James asks, confused. "I'm not saying you need to go back to the way you dated before!" He says quickly. "I'm glad you took a bit of a break, really I am. It's just... I don't know, I thought maybe you've had a bit of a confidence knock, or something. You've gone all quiet about your love life."
"Well, I mean, there's not much to tell," Sirius says with a shrug, panic creeping through him ever so slightly. James watches him carefully for a moment, before just nodding once.
"Okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, just... think about it? Could get you back on your feet." Sirius nods dutifully.
Thank fuck that conversation's over.
He skips Divination. It doesn't matter either way, he'll pass that exam with flying colours.
Instead, he opts for laying on his bed in the dorm, lazily levitating shit with his wand. He's mostly just trying to whittle away the time, waiting for Remus.
The door clicks open, and Sirius can't help but smile before he even catches a glimpse of him.
Remus is humming Bohemian Rhapsody.
Christ, it's so bloody endearing, Sirius is grinning by the time he's stopped, noticing Sirius' presence. As he sits up, his eyes finally meeting Remus', he watches a slightly embarrassed blush spread across Remus' cheeks. He adjusts until his legs are over the end of his bed, revelling in the way his heart speeds up at the sight of Remus.
"Aren't you meant to be in Divination?" He recovers quickly, arching an eyebrow as he drops his books onto his bed.
"Mm, told Prongs to say I'd foreseen my own death and was feeling a little shaken," he answers with a shrug and a wry smile. Remus shakes his head, but Sirius can see the affection in it. He quickly gets close enough for Sirius to grab both of his hands and pull him close, before wrapping his arms around Remus' waist. He's rewarded with a hand in his hair and Merlin, he's never felt this way before. He relaxes into Remus, letting his eyes slide shut.
"You okay?" Remus asks gently. Sirius nods into him, letting him go long enough for him to sit on the bed next to Sirius. He doesn't waste a second in leaning in and connecting their lips.
He doesn't think he'll ever get over this. This feeling, this want that builds in his core whenever the two of them kiss.
How did he ever think he was straight?
"Oh," he starts, pulling away begrudgingly as the story comes to the front of his mind, "Prongs tried to get me a date, today."
"Really?" Sirius watches amusement cross Remus' face. He nods, squeezing Remus' hand once.
"Some Hufflepuff girl. I think he thinks I've lost my mojo, or something." As he talks, he watches thoughtfulness begin to flash in Remus' eyes.
"I mean... have you considered maybe telling him?"
Sirius doesn't mean to tense up; it's involuntary. The moment he does, he knows he needs to talk himself out of this. He promised Remus that they'd tell people eventually, but... no, not yet.
"Why? He'll drop it on his own, when he realises I'm not interested," he says, forcing his shoulders to relax and waving his hand a little dismissively.
"I know you don't... I'm not saying you have to tell everyone," Remus says gently, "but, I mean, it would make everything a lot easier, right? Prongs wouldn't be trying to set you up all the time." He smiles, and Sirius really wishes he could reciprocate it. His smile is just so lovely.
"I don't know. I don't think now's the right time, y'know? Quidditch has been stressing him out, NEWTs are getting closer, Lily's finally started looking his way, it's just- why dump one more thing on him?"
They both know that's not why.
"Sirius, it's okay. You don't have to tell him tomorrow, or anything, but... have you thought about it? You know he won't look at you any differently, it's Prongs."
He doesn't. Nobody knows that for sure.
Sirius doesn't really want to say that. He doesn't know what he wants to say, really.
"It's not the right time," he settles on, hurried. Honestly, he just wants this conversation to be over.
"Okay," Remus says tiredly, pulling his hand out of Sirius' to scrub over his face. "Do think about it though? Please? We can't stay a secret forever."
"Yeah, I know," Sirius says. "He doesn't need to know now, though. It's fine, it doesn't matter," he says quickly, waving off the conversation and turning back to Remus. "We've got half an hour..." Remus' face stops him in his tracks. He almost looks stricken. "Moony, what's wrong?"
"It doesn't matter?" He repeats, face going slightly dark. "What, us?"
"That's not what I meant. I just... we're not there, are we? There's no point right now." He's panicking a little, everything starting to come out wrong as the anxiety comes back in volumes.
"Right, yeah. No point. Haven't made up your mind about us yet."
"That's not what I meant," he says helplessly. He doesn't know how to tell Remus what he means, because he isn't even sure. He can't tell Remus why he's so scared, he just is. It's a little embarrassing, really.
"Mm. I don't think I want to talk about this anymore." Remus gets up, Sirius' heart sinking to his stomach.
Fuck.
God, he's really cocked this up.
"I'm going to the library."
Before Sirius can figure out how to make it better, Remus is already out the door. He drops his head into his hands and lets out a groan.
He's such a bloody idiot.
"Padfoot." James stumbles up to Sirius. He's leaning against the wall beside the portrait hole, watching the party go on and just trying to drink himself into oblivion. In his defence, he's in a foul mood, after what happened with Remus. He just needs to sulk and forget about it for a bit.
They can talk about it tomorrow.
It doesn't help that Remus is noticeably absent from a party that he helped organise. Sirius knows it's his fault. He knows that he shouldn't have said any of what he said. Sure, maybe Remus overreacted, but he knows how Remus' brain works, he should have been more careful.
So, yeah, he's feeling a bit shit.
"Wotcher, Prongs." He reaches a hand out to steady James a little as he settles beside Sirius.
"S'goin on? You're being all..."
"M'fine," he answers with a shrug, draining the rest of his drink. He can't exactly tell James why he's being such a moody git, can he? Instead, he opts for straightening up and staring at his empty goblet. "Need a refill."
With that, he heads over to the drinks table. He's starting to feel comfortably fuzzy, zoning out as he pours just a little too much firewhiskey into his goblet. Just for tonight. Tonight he can let himself go a little, and he can fix things with Remus once he's cooled off a little.
Things start to blur from there.
He's not drunk, per se, but he's getting there. He's tipsy enough that he doesn't question James talking to a girl who looks weirdly familiar.
He doesn't even question it when she walks over to him.
"Hi, Sirius!" She starts cheerily.
"Hey. Rose, right?"
-
Remus is sulking.
It's an embarrassing thing to admit, but he is. He's sitting on his bed, pretending to read as he listens to the party downstairs.
He also knows that he's not really in the right.
He told Sirius he'd give him time, and he knows that. The thing is, he's had two months of Sirius gently shutting the conversation down when it comes to telling people about them. Surely two months is enough time. Also, he did say there was 'no point' in telling James about them. Sirius' best friend, his brother, and there's no point?
Remus has a right to be upset about that.
The more he thinks about it, dwells on it, the more he realises that he needs to give Sirius some more credit. Yeah, he's not ready to tell James yet but, Merlin, Sirius is the best person Remus knows. He's scared. Of course he's bloody scared, with the upbringing he's had.
When they're alone, he takes every available opportunity to make Remus feel like the most important person in the world. He knows Sirius by now, he should know that Sirius needs real time to think on this. They need to have a real conversation about it.
That can wait, though. They shouldn't be ending the day like this.
Shit.
He needs to go and apologise.
Sirius needs to know that it's okay. That Remus really bloody likes him. It's okay if Sirius needs time, he just needs to tell him that. They just need to communicate.
Problem solved.
With that, he shuts his book, leaving it forgotten as he pulls the door to the dorm open. He feels lighter, somehow. Hopeful. They can work through this. That's what couples do, right?
He bounds down the stairs as quickly as his hip will let him, out into the thick of the party. His eyes scan the room, searching for Sirius.
It doesn't take long to spot him, talking to another seventh year. Remus recognises her, he's pretty sure she was in their charms class, a few years back. He's sure he can interrupt them, that's fine-
Until she leans in and kisses him.
Oh, fuck.
Just like that, Remus' heart stops.
For a moment, he just stares. He can't fucking look away. It's no more than a second or two, but it may as well have been hours.
God, he feels sick.
Finally, his brain decides to set him free. He manages to turn away as his soul fucking shatters. He loses all control of his breathing, going shallow as he's thrown into the depths of a panic attack he can't save himself from.
He's an idiot.
He's an idiot for thinking he would ever be enough, he's an idiot for letting himself get this far.
He's an idiot for falling in love with the prat.
The tears start before he has a chance to calm down, pulling the curtains shut around his bed. He cries until his throat is raw, until his head aches, until he exhausts himself. He only has one thought as he falls into a fitful sleep.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Remus wakes up as early as he can, the next day.
The others are probably sleeping off hangovers, anyway. It gives him the chance to slip into the bathroom, unnoticed.
As he turns the shower on, he tries to figure out how the hell he feels. It's like he's having an out of body experience. His body isn't letting him feel any of the night before.
He doesn't know how long he stays there, letting the water hit him, staring into space and trying to figure out how the fuck he's going to tell Sirius.
They were going to go to Hogsmeade, today. Slip away from James and Peter so that they could spend some time together. Instead, Remus has to relive what happened last night. It's not exactly a conversation he's excited to have.
Still, he can't avoid it any longer when someone starts knocking the door.
"Oi, Moony!" James' voice rings out. "I love you, mate, but you've been in there for years!"
"Sorry," he says back, trying to force some semblance of brightness into his tone.
It doesn't take him long to switch the shower off, wrapping a towel around his waist and emerging from the bathroom. James smiles at him, but it quickly gives way to concern. Remus must not be doing a very good job at being fine.
"You okay?"
He just nods once, a horrible lump forming in his throat that he knows will have him breaking down if he's not careful. Thankfully, James is slightly too hungover to ask, so he just squeezes Remus' shoulder once and disappears into the bathroom. The moment the door shuts, Remus realises.
Sirius is awake.
Awake, hungover, and watching him with concern.
"Hey," he starts at a whisper. Remus glances over to Pete's bed. The curtains are drawn tight.
There's no getting out of this.
"Can we talk today?" He asks softly.
For a moment, Remus just watches him. He hates the pang of worry that hits him when he notices the furrow in Sirius' brow, the way his teeth worry at his lower lip.
Well, until the night before comes screaming back to him.
He shakes his head, walking over to his bed.
"No, I don't think we can."
"Moony, what-? Are you alright?" He asks, and Merlin, he really thinks Remus doesn't know? He pulls his chest open, rooting through it for something to wear.
"I think you can answer that," he says blankly. When he doesn't get an answer, he turns to face Sirius. He just looks confused. "That Hufflepuff, from last night. She's the one James was trying to set you up with, right?" He watches as the realisation flits across Sirius' face. His eyes widen, Remus letting Sirius clear his throat a little in his shock, sitting up straight.
"Shit. Moony, you know that wasn't what-"
"What, wasn't what it looked like?" He asks. "I really don't want to hear it, Sirius. You said you weren't sure, then got with a girl. Message received." He shuts his chest a little too hard, wincing as the sound reverberates through his skull.
"Wait, Rem, please. Prongs was just-"
The curtains around Peter's bed slide open, and Sirius' mouth snaps shut. Remus turns and offers Pete a half-hearted smile, before climbing onto his bed and moving to close the curtains.
"Remus," Sirius whispers, eyes pleading.
For a moment, Remus wants to relent. He wants to pull Sirius into a hug and make everything okay. Forget that this happened and draw a line under it.
No.
Not this time.
"Leave me alone, Sirius."
With that, he shuts the curtains and bites back tears.
He almost misses breakfast, in the end. He sits and waits until he hears everyone else leave the dorm, not willing to face any of the marauders, really.
When he does eventually get to breakfast, he sits with the girls instead. Lily shoots him a concerned glance, a question in her eyes. He just shakes his head. No talking. Not right now.
He spares a glance in the direction of his usual spot. James and Peter are sat opposite one another, whispering with confused frowns. Sirius is nowhere to be seen, James throwing Remus a glance every few seconds. When he spots Remus watching him, face blank, he falters.
"You okay?" He mouths across the table.
No. He's really bloody not. He's actually a little worried that if he opens his mouth he'll burst into tears. Instead, he opts for a shrug, turning back to his food.
He feels a little like he's underwater, like nothing's real.
Breakfast is excruciatingly long, even though he's the first one finished. He needs to go. Get away from everybody. From everything.
Usually, he doesn't want to go to class around the full moon. His skin is too busy crawling, his head buzzing to the point that he can't focus. Right now, he'd fucking kill to go to class and distract himself. He stands quickly, desperate to leave. The moment he does, his heart rate spikes and he practically blacks out, stumbling a little over the bench.
Shit.
Yeah, he needs to sit down.
Lily's up in a flash, guiding Remus back onto the bench by the shoulders. She swings her legs over and stands in front of him.
"Slow down, take a breath," she says gently.
He watches James' walk over, before letting his eyes slide shut and forcing himself to breathe slowly. He just needs to hurry up and calm down. They're not going to let him leave if he doesn't.
“Come on, let’s go.” She offers him her hand, slowly helping him up.
“Go?” He asks with a frown. To be perfectly honest, he wants to go and lock himself in his bed, wallow for a little where nobody can bother him.
“The hospital wing,” she answers, James nodding like it should be obvious. Remus goes to protest. He’s not that unwell, this happens all the time around the full-
Hold on.
The hospital wing. Nobody can bother him there.
Lily’s just given him the solution.
With that decided, he lets her lead him out of the Great Hall, trying to ignore the eyes on him. James and Peter are close behind, as they walk together to the wing. Madame Pomfrey’s bound to give him something to let him sleep through the day, if he asks.
The moment he arrives, Madame Pomfrey’s sitting in front of him. He doesn’t say much, Lily explaining on his behalf. Poppy nods, listening carefully.
“I think I have just the thing. One moment, lovely.” She pats his knee, standing and walking away.
“D’you want us to stay?” James asks, offering Remus a small smile.
Thank fuck. He shakes his head, trying to mirror James’ smile.
“I’ll be fine. See you later?” They all start to leave, Lily squeezing his hand before she leaves.
It doesn’t take long for Madame Pomfrey to come back, potion in hand.
“It’ll slow your heart down a little,” she explains, as he pulls the cork off and drinks it dutifully. He can still feel her eyes on him, watching him carefully. “How are you feeling, Remus?”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Remus says back with a shrug. “Freaked Lily out more than me.”
“Mm. How about in general? You seem a little dejected.”
He stiffens a little at that. Poppy’s scarily good at this stuff, but he was hoping that she’d think he was just stressed because the moon’s close. For a moment, he goes to say exactly that; he’s just feeling antsy, what with the moon being so close.
The moment he opens his mouth, a lump forms in his throat. He can’t form the word fine, it just won’t happen.
God, he’s actually going to cry.
The tears spill over before he has a chance to blink them back. Before he knows what he’s doing, he’s telling Poppy everything. He’s careful to leave Sirius’ name out of it, but that’s about as much control he’s capable of. Embarrassingly enough, Poppy hears everything. The conversations they’d had about secrecy, the argument, the fact that Remus wanted to tell him he loved him. Absolutely everything, through tears and a fair amount of hyperventilating.
To her credit, Poppy listens to it all. She sits and lets him vent everything, quietly empathetic right to the last word. Once he’s finished, he feels a bit stupid. The hospital wing isn’t meant for this. He’s taking up her time. He forces himself to take a deep breath, swiping the tears away quickly.
“Sorry.”
“Remus, dear, you have no reason to apologise.” She pulls her wand out, seamlessly bringing a bar of chocolate from her office. “Here. You can stay a while, if you want to.” He fiddles with the wrapper, nodding gratefully.
“Thanks, Madame Pomfrey.”
“Of course. Have a bit of a break.”
She leaves him alone, then. Standing and leaving with a reassuring smile. He practically exhausted himself with all of that. He doesn’t even realise that he’s about to fall asleep until he’s out.
When he wakes up hours later, James and Peter are talking next to his bed. He blinks harshly, sitting up. He didn't mean to sleep for that long, but at least it got rid of his headache.
"Hey," James says. "Feeling better?"
Remus nods once. He actually feels like he's a being a bit dramatic about everything, but it's not like James can hear that, can he?
"Yeah. Ready to go, actually." He swings his legs out of bed, quickly shooting Poppy a grateful glance.
They walk back to the common room slowly. Remus doesn't really speak much. He doesn't have anything to say.
"Padfoot's pissed at me," James says suddenly, scanning the map. "I'm pretty sure he's spent the whole day trying to avoid me. Look, he isn't even in the dorm!"
Remus wants to say something, then. Say that Sirius just feels awkward after what happened between them. Still, he bites his tongue.
"Well," Pete pipes up, "you did get a girl he didn't know go and kiss him."
Remus practically stops in his tracks, stunned. It takes way too much effort to keep his legs moving.
"I didn't know she was going to kiss him!" James protested. "All I told her to do was ask him out!"
"Yeah," Pete shrugs. "He doesn't know that though, does he?"
The realisation starts to dawn on Remus, like ice water running down his back.
"He stopped her in her tracks, anyway. I don't know, I feel like it should have blown over by now, y'know? Nothing even happened!" James says, frustrated, guilt laced through his voice.
"Oh, fuck," Remus groans to himself. He's really fucked up.
"Moony, you okay?" James asks.
"Yeah. No. I don't- I'll see you later," he says quickly, grabbing the map from James and practically running off. He doesn't even think about how confused his friends must be. He can't. His mind is stuck on Sirius.
Merlin, poor Sirius.
With a quick glance at the map, he runs across the castle. It's like his brain has woken up, adrenaline feeding him, letting him ignore his hip. Nothing feels as important as getting to Sirius right now. He's jumped to the worst conclusion of his life.
It doesn't take him long to get to the One Eyed Witch passage. Sirius hasn't moved, as Remus shuts the map, pulling the entrance open. He jumps a mile at Remus' arrival, and Remus catches him subtly wiping the tears from his cheeks. His heart tugs painfully, guilt following along with it.
"M- Remus, sorry, I-"
"I, er..." Remus starts quickly, cheeks pinking a little. "I actually came to find you."
Sirius' eyes widen, and Remus steps inside, shutting the passage behind him.
"I- Padfoot, I'm so sorry."
"You're..."
"I should have let you explain. I shouldn't have just... assumed that you'd do something like that." He says gently, sitting opposite Sirius in the small passage.
"Moony, I didn't- she- I promise-" Sirius' face twists awkwardly as he stumbles for the words.
"I know," Remus answers, reaching out and grabbing Sirius' hands in his. "James said. Honestly? I should have known. It was awful of me, not letting you explain. I'm so sorry."
"No, I get it. Really, Moony, I do," Sirius says hurriedly, squeezing Remus' hands once. "After what I said, I get it. I'm- Christ, I was an idiot saying any of that." Remus tries to wave him off, but Sirius doesn't stop. "No, really. I don't think any of what I said. I'm sure, Remus. I really am sure. I just- I don't know, I freaked out. I was still thinking about Prongs not finding out, but I also wanted to tell you I love you, and I didn't-" He cuts himself off, and Remus can see the shock ripple through him.
Sirius loves him?
"Shit. Bugger. I didn't mean to-" He buries his face into his hands, groaning. "Sorry."
There's already a smile growing on Remus' face, though. This is the last thing he expected.
"Sirius," he says gently, reaching up and pulling Sirius' hands from his face. "I love you."
Sirius' breath catches in his throat, eyes darting over Remus' face.
"You- Merlin, Remus, I love you so much. I'm so in love with you," he says quickly, and Remus just can't take it anymore. He leans in and connects their lips without a second thought. Sirius lets out a muffled noise of surprise, hands moving to cup Remus' face.
It dawns on Remus, in this moment, that nobody else needs to know. He's been so worried about how Sirius felt, that he'd essentially taken the fact that Sirius isn't ready to tell people as a sign that he didn't like Remus.
Who else needs to know? This is theirs.
They can stay secret for a little longer.
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