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psychelis-new · 7 months

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pick a pile: "Your love life situation now"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read about your current love situation (self, platonic, romantic), what you may need to do or how you can deal with it to make it better, make it evolve or change. reminder I don't read the energy of crushes you are not at least slightly in contact with.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3

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pile 1

I think you are the pile already in a relationship or something of that type: even if it's not official/labeled, it's like it is (or will be soon, yay you!). For some of you things may go well at this time (especially if you're in a knowing each other-stage/first dates) but for others, there may be difficult times (which is okay in every relationship, it happens for things to go "bad" here and there). The message here is to remind yourself of why you got together, and that you can always talk about your feelings, without the fear of being judged or abandoned (as it probably happened in your past relationships, please be aware of your triggers and fears). Some of you are probably over-stressing on something that is not that big as your fears and triggers want you to believe. A direct calm open communication with your partner could help you solve it all and find your way back to happiness and stability. The choice is yours ofc. I think you need to learn that you can overcome obstacles with your partner, the moment you know you're both being open, true and you can trust and respect each other for the people you are. Nurture yourself as different people but together, nurture your relationship and talk about your needs, both yours and theirs. You don't have to be the only one carrying the weight of the connection and the emotional stress of it.

And if it's your situation, I want to remind you that stressing over what someone else may think of you and each of their reactions over you (either if you're together but even more if you don't know where you stand despite the signs -for a few) won't change anything but just bring more confusion to you. You cannot control them nor their emotions or what they think of you, you cannot really understand every move cause you may be analyzing them through your eyes, your life experience and your triggers, and that won't bring you any objective real answer. You can control what you make mean about you every and each of their behaviours and words (these don't change your worth or deservance); and you can only control yourself and how you behave and think. Without a real honest conversation, it's hard to really read someone else's mind, especially if it's someone we see through the eyes of love, need and fear (of losing/hurting us) too. BTW you don't have to be the first one hurting them if you fear being hurt by them. You can still talk about it: it could just be an exaggeration of your mind feeling unsafe in a new situation (or in the revival of an old similar one).

song: you give love a bad name | bon jovi

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pile 2

Slightly different from pile 1, you may be in a situationship that's not so defined yet or there may be someone interested in you (and you in them) and you may be more or less in contact with them already... somehow. Or you have been in the past (not exes tbh, more like an old acquaintance or "friend").

There's some kind of test going on, maybe not for everyone but for some of you: it's to see if you're ready to let love in for real (for some it could be the first love/crush and may have fears related to their vulnerability and openness, may have some walls around their heart). You may be experiencing confusion in your situation, and try to find a balance within but it's not so easy ofc. You're called to ground yourself and remember that you can stay in control only of your own life (same message I got for pile 1 in the last paragraph) and that you shouldn't change yourself to please anyone, especially someone you're supposed to fall in love with. Masks in love are never useful, they won't help you grow, they'll just make things and *your* life more complicated. Even knowing in details about this person's feelings for you (which you may be stressing on the most and that's also pretty normal/common) won't make it any different: this is your need to know that things will go well before taking a move, to calm your mind and anxiety. But we cannot control others and we cannot always know it all beforehands: at times we just have to wait, try our best and see. To take a risk: even if it won't go well this time, we'll survive and we'll have made a nice experience. Someone not liking you as you'd like to, doesn't mean you're not worthy or you need to change yourself for them: it just means you're not good for that person (and very likely vice versa). Stay true to who you are. Ofc I'm not telling you to go ahead and confess your love out of the blue. What I'm saying is: take your time. Rushing for an answer or for a result, takes away the joy of knowing the other and experiencing other situations with them. It takes you away from the present life, which is what you're here to live. Don't stress over the future, enjoy your now. Live it well and fully. Focus on learning about the other and falling in love moment after moment. Let them fall for you too (some may need a bit more time and effort, some may fall for us first and we need more time and effort to realize our feelings -especially if we don't get the usual "butterflies in the stomach", which may happen too). Whatever it will be in the future, it'll never be time wasted.

Anyway, change in sight in love. BUT please, do let things take their time. Never rush them. Accompany your person and yourself in this path of knowing each other and enjoying each other company first. Or find ways to communicate a bit more, without stressing too much about saying the wrong thing: just be you. I think for a bunch of you, there's someone that will come in your life just for you, but you may end up being in contact with someone else before, again to kinda test you and see where you at in your healing about love (if applies), or to give you another pov/experience in love matters/to make you ready for them.

BTW: what is love for you? (and don't answer "baby don't hurt me don't hurt me no more" please lol)

song: 21 questions | 50 cent, nate dogg

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pile 3

You may be single ("and ready to mingle") and pretty lonely atm. You may have friends around you ofc (or you may be searching for them and not romantic love), but none is a *possible* love interest. I think you're not seeing what is going on around you, and possibly you're not even supposed to. TBH, this pile could also be about self love.

Now, if you are searching for romantic or platonic love, something is being prepared. And it may happen quite suddenly as well. Maybe you don't expect that cause you've been alone for a while, but you know, things can change at any given minute, especially if you too have changed/worked on yourself. "Let yourself be surprised, get ready". It seems you will receive a long awaited gift, maybe also in a quite sudden and weird way too, like through a new endeavour or idea or an invitation somewhere, and you deciding to give it a try even if it's something you generally wouldn't have done. So yeah, it will happen when and how you least expect it. Try to stay calm and enjoy the process, focus on you, remember you can afford anything, even new things and uncomfortable unknown situations (you may be a bit rusty when it comes to making friends/knowing people). You're stronger than you can imagine. This is something that is going to heal you on different levels, especially your inner child (maybe you'll learn to receive your desires again). You can really write your story here, just let Universe surprise you. To get there, try to not let worries sabotage you: start by slowly getting to know you and your fears, what you need and desire in love/friendship. Be open about your real needs: do not downplay them or deem them as too much. Maybe journal/write them down. How should your partner be and behave with you? Try to envision their character/traits and, try also to be objective by acknowledging also their own needs and possible boundaries. What could you compromise on and what not? Be the first one giving to yourself, acknowledging your needs and respecting/loving yourself. By entering this energy, you'll attract people that will balance it too and help you heal (and vice versa).

For those that may have been dealing with a break up or some love-related trauma and now may need to heal themselves: take your time to heal and grieve on what has been. Process your feelings with no fear, and allow to give yourself closure on this situation by letting it all out (move, journal...). Take yourself on a date, know and love your self again. Meet your needs, be nice and respect your own pace. Talk with others, and just go slow. However you are feeling, it's valid. This is a reminder that someone will come in your life just to stay and love you as you deserve, but first you need to be ready for them and don't let the triggers and unmet needs this relationship left inside of you, ruin that beautiful bond. Close with all that pain, get back to yourself. "And let yourself be surprised".

song: promise | ciara

#pac #pick a pile #pick a card reading #pick a card tarot #pick a picture #pick a photo #pick a card #divination #clairs readings #tarot readings #psychic readings #tarot reading #intuitive readings

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mackjlee9 · 11 months

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kay i'll take advantage of the hyperfixation bc i'm hyperfixated too 😋 this one is quite angsty? Depends on how you wanna do the end bc i'll leave it up to you

u see how in re6 chris asks leon if he will protect ada despite all the damage she did and he says yeah he is? What if instead of chris asking is leon's long term boyfriend since raccoon city?

like reader kinda knows he's still not over ada bc let's say reader went with him to rescue ashley in re4 and well, ada was there and shit.

so with that reader this time KNOWS leon is till not over ada no matter how much time has passed and he feels kinda betrayed bc they had a full ass relationship since raccoon city and it's been YEARS.

ending up to you ofc depending on how interested u are on writing this lmao. bye byee 💖

Ehe- I tried lol

Leon Kennedy x Male!Reader [Angst]

Maybe spoilers if you haven't played/watched re6?

Masterlist.

Resident Evil 6

(M/n) almost couldn't believe how awful this vacation was turning out to be.

From shooting the president to chasing after Ada herself, Helena could look at him with an apologetic look in her hazel eyes. (M/n) hasn't explicitly told her that he and Leon were dating, just said they were together on a vacation to relax and unwind a bit from their job on the D.S.O, but the situation had become worse than they initially thought.

And now Ada was involved? Well, when wasn't she honestly, that woman seemed to have some sort of GPS on Leon because she always showed up wherever he was, it was rather odd, still, he didn't question it, coincidences were pretty common in this kind of job.

Just look at it this way, they met with Sherry a while ago and now Chris was here too.

The three of them chased after Ada, Leon in front, and (M/n) right behind him, while Helena did her best to keep up behind them, but she was injured and she was struggling to keep up the pace. (M/n) stopped and made sure she was okay, before realizing how far Leon had run already.

"(M/n), go! I'll... I'll be fine, you go after her," she said gently pushing him away, and (M/n) hesitated for a moment, but Helena's reassuring smile helped him make up his mind.

He continued running after Leon, hearing two more foreign voices echo in the building, his eyes observing how Ada was cornered by two BSAA agents and as one of them pulled the trigger, Leon hit the gun away, immediately getting involved in a fight with the man. (M/n) arrived just in time to catch a stumbling Chris and prevent him from falling when Leon kicked his stomach hard enough to make him lose his balance.

Chris groaned from the pain, even when he was kicked over his bulletproof vest, Leon has always been known for having strong legs after all.

"Here," (M/n) mumbled while standing up and helping Chris get up from the ground, hearing him grunt a small 'thank you', all the while still being pointed by Leon with his pistol, "Leon-"

"Shut up," was all the blond said, making him swallow and nod, standing back whilst Chris and Leon started arguing. About Ada, and why she needed to die. (M/n) saw Leon clench his jaw, tightening his hold on the grip of his pistol, his cold blue eyes staring into Chris', "She's a key witness, we need her."

"A witness? She's the one that did all of this!" Chris replied, angry at what Ada had done, and probably at Leon for stopping him earlier.

"No, it wasn't her, it was Simmons, the National Security Advisor," (M/n) looked at them, hearing Helena's stumbling behind them and he helped her stand up. He wasn't sure what he was expecting the outcome of this discussion would be, but something told him he wasn't gonna like it.

"I lost all of my men because of that woman!" Chris yelled as he approached Leon, who kept a firm stance, not even blinking at his outburst.

"And I lost over seventy thousand people, including the president, because of Simmons!" He replied back with the same tone, followed by a deafening silence, the light of a chopper landing on them through the window.

Chris sighed and looked down, shaking his head before staring back at Leon, "She works for Neo-Umbrella, you know what that means?"

(M/n) watched as Leon sighed, "I do."

Glancing back and forth between the two of them, (M/n) took a deep breath, and took a step forward, slightly covering Chris with his body, he doesn't know what made him do it, maintaining eye contact with Leon's blue eyes, that remained cold and serious.

"After all she did to you, to me, to us... You're still gonna protect her, Leon?" The few seconds of silence that followed made his ears ring, the fact that he had to think about it let him know his answer.

Leon's stare hardened, seemingly unfazed by (M/n)'s words, not caring about the pain in his voice.

"I am."

(M/n) released a dry chuckle, turning around and walking away, "I was scared you were gonna say that," he mumbled as he left, finding another way to go downstairs. While he waited for them, he saw a flash of white, soon followed by Ada's body gracefully flying with her grappling hook.

They made eye contact for an instant before she ran away again, like she always did, never deviating from her mission.

He unzipped his pouch, his fingers wrapping around the velvet box, gripping it tightly as tears began gathering in his eyes. (M/n) had planned this vacation perfectly, wanting to make it special and memorable, after all, he and Leon had been in a relationship for 15 years... Or so he thought, because it seemed like he was the naive one who thought that way, when Leon was clearly smitten to Ada, after everything that happened... Everything he had done to make Leon happy...

(M/n) sighed and rubbed his temple before lowering his hand to grab his pistol, but before he could, he hit one of the pouches around his hips, his world freezing and breaking down piece by piece when he realized what he had kept safe there during this whole ordeal.

All of it had been wasted, maybe... Someone else would appreciate all his efforts?

But who? He has never loved anyone other than Leon, and it's not like he could simply move on to someone else, that wouldn't be fair to the other person.

(M/n) observed the black box in his hand, hearing the footsteps of Leon and Helena approaching his position, and he had to dry away the tears that had managed to run down his face, turning toward them with a hint of a smile, putting the box back and closing the zipper again.

"We have to keep going, let's go," he will figure out what to do when all of this is over, but right now, they had a job to do.

#leon kennedy x male reader #leon kennedy x reader #re x male reader #re x reader #re6 x reader #re6 x male reader #resident evil 6 leon #leon kennedy #leon kennedy angst #leon s kennedy #male reader #x reader #reader insert #angst #.mackjlee9 writes

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loveyourlovelysoul · 1 year

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Growing up with someone who kept on judging you, pointing out when you were doing even the most normal things ever (as having a cookie at 4/5PM), but in a repetitive and kinda abusive way, is really painful. It shakes you from the inside. It makes you doubt about what you do, about you being wrong, not being enough. Especially if it's the cherry on top of many other abusive behaviours you have experienced.

It's something that probably your caregiver, being triggered themselves by that same action, cannot consciously understand nor refrain from doing. It's their mind going "Oh, they're doing this thing! Point it out! They're worse than you, yay!", cause of how they probably had to grow up as well, being judged, being accused for no particular reason. Maybe sometimes they still do that same action, but in their mind they feel as if it's wrong or aren't behaving (even if nobody judges them directly anymore, their mind is simply wired that way). They probably always felt a second choice compared with someone else in their family, not smart or good enough, they may have felt guilty too after doing any normal action, and now they seek comfort in judging others and feeling better than them. And seek validation from others as well, by pointing these things out loud too, in a repetitive way. Making you feel even worse. They may even compare what you do to other people that they normally consider "bad", people they like to watch and judge a lot, and point out their mistakes or quirks too. This ofc can only make it worse to you, cause your unconscious mind reads this as "You're as bad as them in your caregiver's mind". And it makes you shut down entirely and give up or stop your action. Which, instead, makes your caregiver get offended: "I was only saying, why do you stop?". And this starts a new situation: you are getting a double opposite feedback. And you don't know what to trust. You cannot trust someone that gaslights and manipulates you. But it's still their mind, not letting them see what they are doing to you, not letting them realize is what they have been going through all their life and are repeating onto you. They cannot stop or see the reason behind all that they are doing, they cannot understand that they are hurting you, even if they went through the same. Minds work so subtly at times.

But please, you. Try your best to let them be. Focus on you, do what you want and let your caregiver speak. Don't take their words so deeply into you. I know they pain you, I know. But focus on what makes you happy and, despite the abuse (which is hard to not pay attention too), find your way to complete any action you were doing that was supposed to make yourself happy, and to take care of yourself. Maybe tell your caregiver they are hurting you with their words. Talk with them, help them realize. Or just pretend they're not there. I know it's very hard, but I also know you can make it. You come first. and you're not doing anything wrong, despite what your caregivers' mind wants you to think. Push away from you their own trauma. It's not yours. It's not you.

This doesn't have to happen only with your caregivers tbh. It can happen also in other type of relationships. Your family though, may make these type of thoughts much more rooted inside of you cause you have been forming a lot of your emotional side in your early days. But whatever is the type of abusive relationship you may have experienced, please, try to find your peace of mind, to get away from it at least mentally. To stand your ground and talk things out (but ofc if it's someone way too abusive, just leave).

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thesmpisonfire · 8 months

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i kind of feel more sad for pac now that i know he wasn't actually being kidnapped by bad?

just now that i know that this whole situation could have been solved by pac going. hey. hello. why does this cake taste like benadryl? ik it wasn't benadryl. metaphorical benadryl and bad would have just. not made him eat it

but he didn't try! he didn't confront him about it! fawn response off the charts :( i can connect this to his backstory in alcatraz if i try hard enough

Okay so. There's something about this I wanna talk about that I forgot to make a whole post so now nonnie ur the catalysis of it <3

After the first scare, when Pac first talked to Bad and Bad pressured him wanting to know if he had talked about it to someone, Pac ran to the Favelas screaming for Mike to wake up, and when it was to no result he ran off to Bagi instead and started talking about what happened and Bad's threatening aura. And then Bagi did a little mistake

She said it could be a good plan

That if Pac was taken, if he had prepared beforehand a backpack or a system that would activate and alert people where he was, he could be safely taken by Bad, find out about the worker, and Bagi would follow the clues to get him back in no time

And ofc Pac's sacrificial lamb instincts kicked it. He immediately nodded along, thinking, already saying to Bagi she'd be the one he'd trust with the clues and he'd leave it for her at her house and he'd be counting on her. I fully believw Bagi had No Clue about what she had just triggered and how serious Pac was. She probably thought he meant it in a kinda near future but not immediately

When Pac came back, and he saw the cake, he ate it without thinking twice. He ain't stupid, he knew Bad could've spiked the cake (which was a half truth. The cake was laced with drugs, yes, but Bad didn't know that. To Pac made no difference tho) to kill him or to anything else. And he ate it and he immediately tasted something wrong, but he kept talking and asking for more and staying. He offered himself again because someone he loved said it might be worth doing and if someone is going to suffer, ofc it will be him

Bagi stepped in and she was surprised at how much Pac lacked self care. He hadn't even planned anything, how could she find him if he just threw himself to the wolves without a second time? And when Bagi scolded Pac for that, you can see Pac waiting a small second to process he did it wrong and then played into the stupid role so Bagi wouldn't be even angrier at him. It was easier to be forgiven if you pretend you dont know instead of saying out loud you had no expectations to leave the situation unscarred

Not only that, Pac is a recovering drug addict. Either he intended on it or not, Pac immediately was after the good and peaceful feeling of the sleepiness, asking for more again. It's still lingering from the Happy Pills, and I honestly don't know if Pac will be able to heal that

#qsmp #pactw #character analysis

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meowsforyujin · 2 months

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Hi! i was wondering if you could write an imagine with jeongin and seungmin being your friends and you finally ended a toxic friendship? i just ended a friendship with someone who was toxic. like they comfort the reader and let them know theyre proud of them for ending it finally?? tysm!!🫶🫶

Yes ofc! I recently also went through a difficult situation ending a toxic friendship, I hope you’re okay!! :( 🫶🫶

bsf!seunjin x reader (contains: mentions of toxic relationship, one curse word, lmk if I missed anything!!)

You’re certainly not expecting company, and your disheveled appearance voices this without words. And yet, there’s still a vigorous knock on the door. You’re about to go get a baseball bat that your best friend left behind before you heard a familiar voice.

“Y/n open up!”

You quickly push your hair out of your face and brush out the wrinkles in your shirt to the best of your ability before approaching the door.

“Kim Seungmin what are you doing here.”

“Not just me!”, another familiar face reveals itself from behind him.

“Jeongin? What? Why are you two here?” You’re visibly confused and annoyed.

They promptly ignore your question and barge their way past you. Before you have time to scold them you’re yanked into Seungmin’s embrace. You stand there dumbfounded, it’s not usual for Seungmin to show affection. Not much later you feel Jeongin’s arms snake around your back, trapping you between them both.

“Ummm, although I appreciate the gesture, why are we doing this?”

“We’re proud of you.” Jeongin mumbles.

You chuckle, “Why?”

“You finally stood up for yourself!”

It takes a moment and then realization hits you, “Is this about Lucy?”

“Yes, that bitch.” Seungmin hisses, disgusted by the name itself. “She’s such a bitch, she was so mean to you.”

“Why are you proud? It took me so long to cut her off, even when you told me to.” You chuckle nervously.

“Because it’s hard to stand up for yourself and that’s worth celebrating! It’s not your fault, cutting people off is hard, especially when you’re a good person.” Jeongin chimes in.

You feel a wave of overwhelming emotion fly over you. Despite the words being simple, the validation is enough to trigger everything you’ve been burying for months.

You feel your best friends leading you to the couch and placing you down, wrapping you up in soft blankets before returning with an assortment of your favorite snacks.

“You got all the for me?” Your voice small between sniffles.

“No we purposely got all your favorite snacks to eat in front of you while you’re in an extremely vulnerable position.” you pout and Seungmin’s sarcasm and he just grins. Jeongin sighs, laughing slightly as he shakes his head, reaching for the remote.

The rest of the night the two comforted you while you watched your favorite movie, and later put you to bed after you fell asleep on the couch. Seungmin went home and Jeongin stayed on the couch to make sure you were okay in the morning.

They’d both take you out to ice cream the next day.

I hope this meets your expectations well^^ it was a nice comforting thing to write for me, I hope it does well to comfort you^^

#kpop fanfic #stray kids #kim seungmin #seungmin #skz imagines #skz fic #skz x reader #stray kids ff #stray kids x reader #straykids x reader #yang jeongin #jeongin #request

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genericpuff · 11 months

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Hii hope im not bothering you but i saw that post you made about rs never intending for the rape subplot because she initially didn't put a trigger warning. I don't really agree with that reasoning tho because i don't think it's really a proof for that, authors often times forget to put triggers but that doesn't mean they don't recognize it for what it was. There's a horror webtoon i read where in one chapter someone gets assaulted and it's clearly shown like assault but the first version also never had a tw until people complained about it. Years ago when LO began there was less awareness for the necessity of tws so i think it was just rs not realizing she needed to put one? ofc it could rlly be retcon but i don't think her not initially putting a tw is proof of that..

Oh okay, so here's the thing, if it were just Rachel forgetting to put the trigger warning, then no, I wouldn't be so hard on her about it. I mean, I'd still be hard on her because that's a pretty bad thing to forget to do, but I wouldn't be assuming it was because she didn't know it was assault.

But it wasn't her just "forgetting" to put the trigger warning. Granted, I wasn't there personally, but according to the readers who were there at the time, she literally had her Discord explain to her why there needed to be a trigger warning for the assault episode. Not "there needs to be a trigger warning for the sake of your audience's comfort and safety" type explanation, I mean full on "there needs to be a trigger warning because that scene is assault, not just bad sex" explanation.

And honestly, the narrative that follows that scene tends to support this. From Persephone inviting Apollo into her room to try and reason with him, to the fact that she still hasn't personally addressed the assault outside of that initial Eros conversation and the one therapy episode despite that scene happening 5 years ago (but god knows we get plenty of takes from her friends who feel affected by what Apollo did, not the actual victim though) to Apollo flip-flopping between being a genuinely abusive and manipulative narcissist who does it intentionally and a flat out airheaded idiot who just doesn't have a clue. It really just feels like despite Rachel confirming it as an SA in the Eros episode back in S1, she's still treating it as a "one night stand gone sour" situation.

And we've seen her apply this same type of flippant "haha they just don't get along!" mindset to other characters who have been abusive to each other, such as Hades and Demeter (I'm still looking for the screenshot but there IS one out there of a fan in the FB group who theorized that Hades and Demeter had a romantic past only for Rachel to respond that they're "like coworkers at the staff party who can't get along", and yes, this was recent enough for us to be aware of what Hades actually did to Demeter) and also Hades and Minthe who we DO have a screenshot for:

(that top one aged like milk, oof)

Rachel has a bad habit of not putting trigger warnings even today, and it doesn't seem to be out of simple "forgetting", she legit just doesn't seem to understand why people ask for the trigger warnings that they do in the first place. She can't seem to conceptualize these types of topics outside of her own extremely limited perceptions. Sometimes she fixes it like with the Demeter "intervention" episode (Episode 230) other times she just leaves it as is despite it DESPERATELY needing a trigger warning like the Hera and Kronos flashback sequence in Episode 233.

This is the same person who didn't think sexism was "that bad" until she saw how her audience treated characters like Demeter... but she's literally the one instigating that behavior by constantly making her female characters the butt of abuse and mockery.

"I feel like female characters in general, people will be a little harsher on them and sometimes way harsher on them, and I used to be like.. before I started writing the story and like making a story I was like yeah, sexism is not that bad, and [now] I was like oh it's bad. It's quite bad [laughs], so like, I don't know, I feel like the female characters in the story don't get so much of a pass. But this isn't consistent across the board, it's not all the time"

It wouldn't be right of me to outright say that Rachel hasn't experienced any hardship in her life, but the fact that she seems this blind to violence towards women in any capacity definitely says a lot.

Anyways, that got really off topic so I'm hoping that answered your question. My belief in Rachel not knowing it was assault goes a lot further than just a forgotten trigger warning amounting to a brief "oopsie". And while I get the point of what you're saying about awareness around trigger warnings, I disagree that the awareness wasn't there, this was 2018 and trigger warnings aren't a new concept in media, they just went by another name until recently - viewer discretion is advised.

That said, if anyone who was there wants to speak up on the trigger warning incident, please, I'd welcome it. Bring me all the deets.

#lore olympus critical #lo critical #antiloreolympus #anti lore olympus #ama #ask me anything #anon ask me anything #anon ama

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twsthc · 10 months

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scarabia angst headcanons 🌞💔

⚠️ warnings: food anxiety, self destructive behavior, possible OCD triggers, kalim

last updated: july 30, 2023

KALIM AL-ASIM 🦦

has C-PTSD from the constant threat of death

mostly gets nightmares, flashbacks, anxious, etc of when he was poisoned and kidnapped or when jamil was poisoned "for" him

has coughed up blood, has seen jamil cough up blood

really tries to hide how much it still gets him so he doesnt worry anyone

super light sleeper. a cockroach tap the wall and his eyes would fly open

has food anxiety

needs someone to test the food before he does, or he needs to know jamil prepared it or he wont eat it

after his first time getting poisoned he wouldnt eat jamils cooking either

after jamil's OB, he stopped cooking and contacting kalim and things really spiraled out of control

stopped eating/drinking anything until he was forced to

was literally bmi 0.001 until a teacher had to step in and force some goat cheese down his throat

parents would pay for material items for their kids but not therapy

i think kalim might have done some crazy shit to make his parents notice him out of the quintillion other kids they have

also he was raised by servants instead of his own mother

because of all this Mental Illness (specifically C-PTSD) he does get panic attacks, as one with anxiety disorders does

he uses pain to ground himself in stressful moments (mostly his nails)

digs them into his palms or thighs, whatever hes closer to

or he scratches himself until he refocuses

got especially bad after jamils ob. imagine the person who kept u safe and basically raising u coming out and saying he secretly hated u

me personally i would kms

probably cries himself to sleep

type of fellow to be super happy one moment then hear a sad/soft song then become svicidal (me when im having a great day then hear any song by Lamp)

JAMIL VIPER 🐍

fully believe jamil has NPD

after growing up in an environment where he was put behind everyone else, his brain desperately needed to be put first

its really hard to find good symptoms of this disorder without seeing bullshit like "10 signs your partner is a narcissist" omfg

some ACTUAL symptoms of a narcassistic disorder (for jamil):

he has poor coping skills, often projects his anger onto others, has trouble maintaining relationships, often requires praise or he might feel obsolete/depressed

too good at hiding his feelings even in shitty situations

has boiling anger issues but is able to keep them repressed (at his own cost)

after his OB, he distanced himself from kalim to process

after 2-ish weeks, they talked it out and set some boundaries

the first week jamil didnt force-wake kalim up, kalim was consistently late to all her earlier classes and struggled a shit ton with work loads

she couldnt even pick out her own outfits without jamil going "that ones fine, now hurry up" every few seconds

had to establish that kalim needed to learn how to live without jamils coddling

kalim agreed ofc but still felt a little lonely without her usual schedule

also has anxiety from being poisoned, and still has lingering memories of being so worried when kalim was kidnapped

i also think jamil has OCD :3

"if i dont do ABC then kalim with XYZ"

has other impulses (flicking lights on and off, needing to feel "even" on both sides)

i hope someone w ocd reads this and understands wtf im talking about

when someone steps on your foot so you have to step on the other one or youll throw up because you dont feel the same amount of pain on both sides

#twisted wonderland #twst headcanons #kalim al asim #jamil viper #scarabia #angst #ocd girlies wya #twsthc

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psychedelic-ink · 1 year

Text

𝑬𝑿𝑰𝑳𝑬 𝑬𝑷𝑰𝑺𝑶𝑫𝑬 𝑺𝑰𝑿

A few things to keep in mind; after the fallout with Tommy instead of heading to Boston Joel heads to the woods to escape it all, and the 20-year time jump doesn't happen. Which means, for now, no Tess, no Ellie. Joel is 32-33 here (since in the prologue he's around that age) and reader is in her mid-twenties

**for full series summary please check masterlist

chapter summary: when in the forest, you and joel come across three hunters. Subtle confessions are made.

pairing: joel miller x ofc!june | written in reader format, no body descriptions but does have a personality

word count: 5.2k

genre: dark cottagecore, horror, angst, explicit smut, hybrid au, minors dni

warnings: canon typical violence, blood, you get shot, mentions of reader having body hair, piv, oral (receiving and giving), emotional sex, possessive kink, praise kink, mild dirty talking, soft!joel, vaginal fingering

SERIES MLIST || PREV CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER

Snow crunches under your boots and the wind chills your skin. Except for the pines, most trees are left bare, thick snow covering their branches. Ever since the infection you don’t feel that cold anymore. A simple jacket is all you need, unlike Joel, who seems as if he’s wearing a dozen sweaters underneath his coat.

He walks ahead, rifle hanging on his back.

After knowing one another, it was hard to truly part ways. The first week after he shattered the only joy you had left in your life, you two steered away from each other; both of you angry, both of you bitter.

But you two danced around each other like butterflies. One day, you met his gaze and he nodded. The next day you told him about the extra fish you managed to catch, and that you wouldn’t mind sharing. He seemed hesitant at first, but accepted your offer when his stomach ratted him out with a loud growl.

Neither of you talked about the incident. You swept the camera away, tucked the box of photographs under your bed. You didn’t enjoy looking at them anymore.

You watch his back, the way his coat seems tight around his shoulders, the dip from the rifle pronouncing his shoulder blades. He always walks in front. No matter what the situation might be, you find yourself staring at his broad back and beautiful neck. He doesn’t talk much anymore, and when he does, it’s in the form of short sentences.

You on the other hand, do whatever you can to fill the silence.

You don’t dive much into your past, but you tell him about your hobbies, what it’s been like being alone, and how you adapted to your new antlers and ears.

Then one day, as you were telling him the things you were afraid of most, he turned to you slowly, his one eyebrow raised and slack-jawed.

“Don’t you think you tell me too much about yourself?” he had asked and you were caught by surprise.

“Uh… no? Am I annoying you?”

“Not annoying—Well, maybe a bit, but I can live with that— you’re too… trusting. Aren’t you afraid?”

You shrugged, “I feel like if you wanted to kill me, I’d be dead already. No use in dwelling on something I can never be sure of.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Fine then, what do you mean? Do you want me to be afraid of you?”

He didn’t answer and you were grateful for it. The thought of reopening the wounds he caused you wasn’t something you particularly wanted to do.

You’re abruptly drawn away from the whispers of the past with a sting spreading from your nose to your forehead, you groan and stumble back, your hand immediately going up to touch your nose.

Your vision is blurry, but you see Joel standing as still as a tree in front of you. His one hand is raised to his side, fingers forming a fist. The command is silent but it reaches you loud and clear. You pull out your pistol, finger nestled against the trigger as your ears raise. You hear steps that you missed before, too entranced by your thoughts to hear them. A faint murmuring reaches your ears.

You take a slow breath to steady yourself and take a step closer to Joel.

“Three people,” you whisper. “They sound obnoxious and dangerous,”

He scoffs, “How can you tell they’re obnoxious all the way from here?”

“I just can. We should go,”

“No,” he says, fingers curling around your wrist just as you attempt to turn. “We should check who— or what— they are,”

“And after that?”

“We take care of it.”

There’s a stillness in the air and for the first time, you feel the sting of cold. You don’t share Joel’s coldness towards killing. Even killing the Infected is hard for you ever since you also became one by extension. You much rather let the threat simmer until it boiled and threatened to burn you.

Joel ignores your hesitation and releases his hold. “They’re close aren’t they? If I was able to hear them even a little they must be. Lead the way,”

“Joel…”

“Waiting around will get you killed,” he answers, his tone calm and collected. “You’re either with me or with them,”

“That’s cruel.”

“Is that your answer?”

Leaning slightly forward, he forcefully meets your gaze. He doesn’t blink and it feels as if he’s staring into your soul, which is ironic considering Joel probably doesn’t believe in such things. Closing your eyes you face the sky, the tips of your ears burn and your heart skips a beat. You already know what your answer is, and he knows it too.

“I’m with you.”

“Then lead the way, Bambi.”

It’s not a long walk. You’re surprised that they’re so close, so surprised in fact you shudder with each step. You’re not a fan of confrontation. Every nerve in your body screams at you to run. But you feel Joel’s presence near you, his ghost chokes out the screams, only litter whimpers left that are easier to ignore.

You and Joel take cover behind the thick trunk of a pine tree. Your guess is that the small group are hunters. They carry guns and they look the part. Your eyes move to Joel, his own gaze slowly turning to you. He pushes a finger to his lips, signaling you to be quiet. The three men talk about the tourists and the Domestics they managed to get a hold of, you bite back a whimper.

Joel leans in, the curve of his lips barely touching your ear. He doesn’t have to do that, you could’ve heard him just fine, but some habits are hard to break.

“I’ll take them out,” he whispers, the warmth of his breath prompting you to close your eyes. “You stay on lookout, shoot the ones that try to kill me.”

You nod. There isn’t much you can add to his plan anyway.

Joel moves out. As he slowly approaches the first one, you move, your steps feather-light. You find the best position to spot all three of them and crouch down, the snow melts under your knee and wets the fabric.

With one eye closed and finger on the trigger, you realize you’ve never actually seen Joel attacking another. You’ve seen him hunt, but that was as far as the violence went. Briefly, you admire his contrast to the white snow. His coat a dark green, stained, and his hair mussed.

His every move is calculated. He walks around the first target, wraps his arm around the man’s neck and pulls him away from the others until he faints. You expect him to fixate his gaze on the others, but instead, he raises his foot and slams it down with no shred of hesitation. Blood sprays against the snow, melting and hissing at the warmth of blood. A drop of red lands on Joel’s cuffs.

You let out a scream, clapping both hands over your mouth before you can stop yourself.

But it’s too late, the other two are already running toward Joel.

“Shit,” Joel hisses, eyes finding yours amidst the chaos. “Get out!”

You’re a deer in headlights, both literally and figuratively. The two men crowd Joel, one pressing a knife to the neck you admired many times while the other sets his gaze on you.

You hear the bullet first, and your body moves before you can process it. Joel manages to kick the man heading towards you in the back of the knee. He falls face first with a grunt. You hear the knife against Joel’s neck cutting skin.

You don’t blink when you raise the pistol and shoot your shot, the bullet sinks right between his eyebrows. He falls promptly. The other one still groans on top of the snow. Joel takes the knife that was still stained with his own blood and stabs the last of them in the heart. You collapse to the ground, pistol falling to the side as you cover your mouth.

Warm tears roll down your cheeks, eyes squeezing shut as your fingers tremble. You see black dots hovering across your vision. You feel incredibly sick. Your mind replays the scene over and over again until you feel his touch on your cheek.

You were aware of the violence growing in the world. Seen bits of it whenever you left the comfort of the forest. But you haven’t been aware of how bad it had gotten. How desperate everyone became to hurt others for the means of survival.

Bile rises up your throat and burns your tongue.

“Calm down— Calm down,” Joel cradles your face, thumbs moving over your cheekbones. “You’re good. We’re safe. You did it,”

“Did what exactly?” you snap, pushing him away and falling back. “Joel you—you kicked in his skull! You—You—” your voice breaks and you finally open your eyes accompanied by a deep breath. He looks broken and for the first time you truly understand what that means. “What the fuck, Joel?”

His eyes flit around your face. He slowly takes in every detail —the way you shudder, the way your ears are flat against your head, the way your breathing is uneven— but he doesn’t know what to make of it. Your words have underlined fear, uncertainty. You look at him as if it’s the first time you’re seeing him.

Joel’s gaze moves from your face to your shoulder, he reaches his hand out.

You jerk away without meaning to, his look softens, the tips of his fingers only an inch away from your shoulder.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he drawls, voice dropping, barely a whisper. “You’re bleeding.”

You look to the side, too tired to actually panic about it. Now that you were seeing the blood, you start to feel the sting of the bullet still being inside. You wince and Joel catches it.

“Your cabin is close by right? Let me patch you up.”

You’re strikingly aware that you won’t be saying no to him, not now and probably not ever, “Sure.”

Joel is surprisingly gentle.

He helps you out of your blood-soaked shirt, leaving you only in your bra. The chair creaks under your weight. You ignore the vulnerability of the situation. It’s been months since another person saw you bare, you didn’t have the means to groom yourself properly. The hairs on your arms and legs growing with time— Even though you’re blatantly aware of how stupid it is, you still wonder if he notices, or what he might think.

Joel returns with the first-aid kit and you refuse to look at him, turning your cheek when he kneels to your side. He dabs the cotton in alcohol, cleaning it first before taking the tweezers out of the box. You hear him sigh.

“I know you want nothin’ to do with me right now but you might want to bite down on something. It’s gonna hurt, Bambi.”

Hearing the nickname makes you feel lightheaded. Turning around, your gaze drops to Joel but he’s not looking up at you, instead, he’s staring at the wound caked with blood.

“Give me my shirt, I’ll bite into that.”

Joel nods and hands you your shirt. You take it begrudgingly, balling it up in your hands and biting down on the fabric. The pain is excruciating, sweat beads on your forehead. You close your eyes, trying to focus on anything but the searing agony in your shoulder.

Joel's gaze is fixed on you as he works, pulling out the bullet with steady hands. You try to focus on anything but the pain, your gaze drifting to the window. You see that it's started to snow, the flakes swirling in the air. You wince, the pain making it hard to think.

Joel's gentle touch brings you back to the present. His fingers are light and careful as he works, pulling out the bullet and cleaning the wound. You can hear the soft sound of his breathing, the occasional sigh or murmur as he focuses on the task at hand.

“You’re bleeding too,” you state, pointing to his neck. “We should get it cleaned,”

His fingers brush above the shallow wound, not even a small wince crossing his face.

“I’ll be fine. I’ve had worse.”

“I’m assuming you won’t tell me about those memories even if I asked,” you whisper, and his hands go still, fingertips feeling like hot iron against your skin. “I’m not even sure I want to know.”

“Believe me, you don’t.”

And that’s the most you get out of him. A tiny crumb of his past. His one hand slides down to your upper arm, fingers pressing into the muscle as if you’re a ghost that has just materialized in front of him. Briefly, you see scenes much more violent compared to the one you witnessed flashing before your eyes; a desperate Joel trying to survive, losing himself to the darkened world. His grief still consumes him, you can see it clearly now.

With a soft sigh, you cover his hand with your own. The moment is still, neither of you knowing what to say. He seems surprised by the fact you’re touching him, his eyes slowly lifting and meeting yours. You swallow, the sound of blood loud in your ears.

When you look into his eyes, his soft gaze is briefly replaced by the memory of rage-filled ones you saw outside. You don’t think you will ever be able to forget that look. You won’t be able to forget the way violence clutches at his heart. His need to protect himself and those around him clouds his better judgment— Or rather, he doesn’t care about what happens to others for the sake of his own people.

You know that this should most likely scare you, or that you should perceive him as something ugly and tainted.

But it doesn’t. In fact, you think it does the opposite. It’s like a moth to a flame. You’re drawn to him and his tainted light. You see him as nothing short of beautiful.

His breath hitches while yours stops completely. It warms the fresh wound, then you feel his lips, scarred yet soft, a soft kiss as an answer to your pain. The touch of his tongue forces a shiver up your spine, a soft sting blossoming across your shoulder.

Joel continues, mouth moving over the slope of your shoulder and to your neck. His patchy beard is a harsh contrast against your skin but you enjoy it all the same. He closes his mouth and presses his lips into the column of your neck. Your lips part with a soft moan. He kisses your neck again and again as if it’s a means to survive. With every press of his mouth, he becomes more sure of himself, the softness is accompanied with the sharpness of his teeth, goosebumps coat your skin.

Your hand hovers an inch away from his head, too afraid to dive your fingers in just in case he’ll turn into another ghost that your cruel imagination often creates.

Joel moves back, only an inch between your faces. There’s a new emotion you see that crosses his face but you can’t place what it is. He feels your hand at the back of his head, his eyes flutter closed and he lets out a deep, long breath. Joel’s fingers gingerly curl around your wrist, pushing your hand flush against his head.

“Touch me,” he says, his southern drawl deep. “I want to feel you.”

It’s like an experiment almost. Your fingers are touching new soil, getting used to the feeling of soft locks and the bumps of his scalp. You allow your fingers to explore, nails raking his skin. A soft hum rattles his throat and you look back down. You spot the vein meandering down his neck and with wide eyes your hand moves down his head, feels the warmth of his neck, and traces the thick vein. His jaw is locked tight, nostrils flaring with every touch.

“Joel, I—”

“Don’t.” his voice breaks, eyes falling away from your own. “Don’t. I don’t wanna hear anything of the sort, not now, not ever.”

“Tell me what you want to hear then,”

“The sound of your breathing is enough.”

Your body reacts before you do, forcing out the breath that was caught in your throat. An eternity later his lips move against yours. His tongue brushes the seam of your lips, your heart flares, your lips parting with the silent command.

How many times have you thought of Joel touching you like this? Kissing you like this?

He’ll never know what his mere presence means to you. How the sole image of him brought you back from the brink of not wanting to wake to such a daunting world again and again. Even before he knew what your name was, before you knew his, he was the only one keeping you company—Accompanying you during your every move. A phantom man, following you around and wrapping its arms around you whenever you needed.

Your body reawakens, his lips and tongue pulling you from somewhere dark. His large hands cup your cheeks, tilting your head as he slips his tongue into your mouth. You moan openly, your hands coming up to hold his wrists.

Words you want to whisper burn the tip of your tongue. His words echoing loud in your mind whenever they bubble to the surface.

The sound of your breathing is enough.

You have trouble swallowing them down, tears gathering in your lashlines, but Joel makes quick work of them, licking into your mouth forcefully as if he’s trying to erase the entire English vocabulary from your mind.

Your hands drop down from his wrist and awkwardly try to reach his belt. Joel smiles into your lips, calloused fingertips stilling your hands.

“Easy there, sweetheart. Show me to your bedroom,”

You give him a confused look, “You already know where my bedroom is,”

“I prefer this being the first time you lead me to your room.”

It’s been long since you moved the box of photographs and cleaned the broken pieces of your camera. The ache of your heart is hard to ignore but you do. You nod, also preferring for this to be the first time he’s seeing your room.

Neither of you touch the other until you’re confined into the smaller area. It’s much colder compared to the kitchen. Joel shivers, a puff of steam dancing from his lips.

Not wanting this moment to end, you close the distance. Your fingers find their way into his hair, tugging as his hands find your waist. He squeezes and pulls your hips close, forcing a grinding motion. The pleasure you feel is real. It’s overwhelming. Your whines are needy, made with short breaths and the sudden lack of air.

Joel swallows them all, he sucks your tongue, unbuttons your pants. Arousal pools between your legs, heat licks the bottom of your spine. Your entire world starts spinning when he gets on his knees, pulling down your pants along with him. Your eyes follow, another shudder overtaking you as his fingers move between your legs.

“J-Joel…”

“So wet already. Pretty thing,” your heart leaps at the way his eyes move up from your sex to your face. “I haven’t tasted a woman for so long.”

“Then go ahead,” you mutter, burying your anxiety deep into your heart.

Everything moves as if it’s in slow motion. The snow outside, the fading light, the way Joel tugs down your underwear. Pupils dilated, he licks his lips at the sight of your slick sticking to the net of your underwear. His thumb moves over your mound, nestling between the soft curls that reside. You suck in a sharp breath.

The sound is loud enough to prompt him to look up. “Most beautiful cunt I’ve ever seen.” Cupping himself over his dark jeans, a groan slips from his mouth.

Joel's tongue glides over your skin, you let out a soft moan. His lips velvet against your sensitive flesh. You grip his hair tighter as he expertly works his way over your aching clit. The fading light filters through the dusty window, casting a warm glow over your skin and creating shadows on Joel's face as he buries himself between your legs. His palms skim the back of your thighs, sending shivers up your spine. You let out a breathy moan as Joel's tongue delves deeper. He takes his time, the sharp edges of his face soften, the perpetual crease between his brows fading.

He must’ve looked beautiful before all was taken away from him. Joel never speaks about it, but you know. You have seen the same expression of grief in your eyes many times. You wonder if you two could’ve met if none of this had happened; the infection, the violence, the change. Another wave of pleasure washes over you with the swipe of Joel’s tongue. You moan and he mimics the sound, the reverberations making you curl over him, your arms wrapped around his head.

Every cloud has a silver lining, you don’t know who came up with the phrase but you find it cruel, haunting—yet also to be true.

Haunting is a perfect way to describe the moment. Hauntingly beautiful. A soft hue of light lingering in the darkness dances over your skin.

Any second can be your last, that’s what makes this moment truly memorable. It can be your last, and you choose to spend it together.

His gaze finds yours amidst the darkness, lips moving and tongue swirling around your clit. He sucks on it, watching you with a heavy gaze as your whine joins the sounds his tortuous tongue. Joel pulls away and your first instinct is to pull him back, chase the feeling of his skin against yours. His fingers squeezes the back of your thighs, soothing you like a scared animal. You feel his lips moving slowly over your mound, kissing the sensitive skin.

“I want you on the bed,” he says voice honeyed in a long drawl. “I’m gonna eat this pretty pussy out until you’re drunk on me. Then I’m going to feel the way you squeeze my cock—But I need you to get all nice and wet for me first,”

Your thighs clench together and he lays another kiss, hands roaming over your ass one more time before pulling you to the bed. He falls on top of you, his heavy presence proving not to be a figment of your imagination. Your entire body rings for him. You feel his breath fanning your face, he stares at you, you see the traces of regret and your stomach sinks.

“I’m sorry I frightened you,”

The apology takes you by surprise, you stare, unblinking, and swallow. His hand moves between your leg, two fingers slipping inside you with ease as his palm cups your sex.

“You still do,” you gasp before you can think. “But I would rather have you broken and bruised than be alone. Something inside me—A heart, a soul…it’s been seeking you out, Joel.” his fingers deftly move with a sharp thrust. Your back archs, body pressing into his touch. You close your eyes but you still feel his eyes boring into you. “You terrify me Joel. But not only because of the reasons you might be thinking.”

“What other reason is there?” he asks, curling his fingers and grinding the heel of his palm against your clit. You clench your teeth, swallowing down your moans.

You’re a whirlwind of emotions. His sadness, his grief…all of it resonates deep inside you, it joining the pleasure that builds up, your arousal thick around his fingers.

You feel the brush of his hand on your ear, your eyes open with surprise, remembering the first time he had attempted to touch you—The Infected part of you. He had ignored it ever since he learned your name.

Joel leans in and presses his lips, the fur soft against his mouth. Your heart leaps as you flinch, your ear twitching uncontrollably.

“Tell me,” he says as you moan. “Tell me the other ways I frighten you.”

“I fear the way you make me feel alive.”

He curls his fingers, a shout rips from your throat. “Go on,” he prompts you.

“I’m scared that you’ll leave. That you’ll leave, and that you’ll become a ghost again.”

“Again?”

“Forget I said that,”

He hums, “I can’t promise you that I won’t ever leave. But right now, I'm here. You feel me, don’t you? I ain’t no ghost,”

To emphasize what he said, he circles your clit with his wet fingers, tongue moving down your neck. He draws your stiff nipple into his mouth, teeth sharp and pleasurable. You feel the wet streaks across your skin when he slides his other hand up your waist, he pries your mouth open by pressing his fingers into the hallows of your cheeks. He sneaks in two fingers, forcing you to taste yourself.

“I think I need to fuck you now, think you can take me, my little doe?”

You’re highly aware that the words are spoken without much thought. However, the endearment crackles across your skin, lighting a fire in your stomach, your body jerks, slick wetting your thighs and sheets. He holds your tongue with his fingers, feeling the way it moves with the muffled sounds you make. His mouth moves up the swell of your breast.

“You like it when I call you mine?” he groans out, breath wet and warm.

Joel pulls out his fingers so you can speak, his cock lays heavy between your legs.

Your chest heaves, “Yes.” you gasp, the pressure building starting to become overwhelming. “Say it again, please,”

“You’re mine,” he replies, sounding as if he’s just stating a fact. “Nothing will hurt you. No one will touch you…” the words sink into your skin, your hips stutter forward, searching for the stretch of his cock. Your breathing becomes heavy, shallow. “And since you’re mine, you’ll take whatever I have to give…won’t you?”

You hear the uncertainty that follows his hardened tone. Nodding, you catch yourself murmuring back, "I'm yours, and only yours."

Joel doesn’t give you any indication that he hears you, he presses forward, notching the head of his cock against your entrance. Your cunt flutters around him, begging him to move. He’s nothing like your vivid dreams; he takes his time, making you feel every inch. Your breath is caught in your throat, your lungs convulsing. The sudden regret of not touching him beforehand resonates inside, you wanted to feel how heavy and warm he was under your palm, wanted to hear his whimpers—if he makes any, that is.

“So damn tight,” he grunts. “So wet—fuck,”

He moves his hips forward then back, thrusting against the dampness that coats your entrance. A moan escapes your lips as he moves faster, each thrust pushing deeper than the last. Your hands grip the sheets as your body trembles. You gasp and bite your lip, the heavy drag of his cock sending waves of pleasure through your body. You can feel him, hard and thick, and it feels incredible.

Tears gather in your eyes when his lips find yours in the fog of pleasure. Sweat and sex clings to your skin, body on fire, he shoves his tongue into your mouth. The muffled sounds you both make seeps into the other’s lips. You’re both hungry to devour one another, both touch-starved. He parts away with a string of saliva following, he kisses the tear streaks, kisses your eyes.

You're left chanting his name like a prayer, his hands slide down, cup your ass and lift you from the bed.

His thrusts quicken, pushing you closer and closer to the edge. You cling to him, your hands gripping his back, your nails digging into his skin. His warm breath tickles your neck, and your head spins. Every movement sounds wetter than the last, he splits you in half, cock moving all the way out before he slams into you again and again and again—

Your body shatters around him, pleasure bursting across your very being. The feeling pours into your veins, leaving a simmer and buzz in the pits of your stomach. Joel fucks himself deeper into you until you’re begging him to stop, your body overwhelmed both physically and emotionally.

“Where do you want me?” he asks, pulling out and fisting himself with little care.

The fog clouding your mind briefly lifts and you manage to push yourself up the bed. You push his hand away and wrap your numb fingers around his length. He’s so wet, glistening with your slick. Joel watches you as you lean down, wrapping your lips around his cock. His hand touches the back of your head, pushing you further.

Arousal pools between your legs once more, your tongue warm and wet as you eagerly lick down his shaft, feeling the soft curls tickling your nose, you swallow. Joel’s head falls back, exposing his tanned neck and small scars littered like a starry sky. A loud groan emits from the depths of his lungs, choked out and raspy. Your eyes roll back when he thrusts his hips, the head of his cock touching the back of your throat.

Your insides clench painfully, begging for more.

Your lips pop off, tender skin left wet and swollen. “Come down my throat,” you say, before swallowing him down again. Your tongue slides underneath his shaft, tracing the thick veins as you move up.

Joel’s nails bite into your skin, a string of curse words falling from his lips. Heat flares under your skin. He pushes and pulls, guiding you as you swallow around him again and again.

There’s something about the way his nails softly bite into your skin that makes your toes curl. It’s been a while since you sucked cock, and he’s showing you how to do it—

“Doing so good, little doe— Can you take me deeper?”

You moan your approval, your hand moving between your legs. Your fingers trace around your puffy clit, still sensitive, yet aching to be touched. He doesn’t seem to notice that you start to touch yourself, he holds your head between his palms, fucking your mouth until he feels his shaft begin to pulse before spilling into the warmth of your mouth.

You swallow every drop. He tastes bitter and you reel at the way the taste of him burns your throat. He keeps his cock buried in your throat as he rides out his orgasm. You run your fingers up the span of his stomach, feeling the dents and marks painted over his skin.

Joel is left breathless, his chest heaving and cock now soft. You tenderly pepper his skin with kisses, moving all the way up until you press one hurriedly onto his lips. Your fingers rub over the sweat-slick skin of his forehead. And as you move away he grips you by the shoulders and pulls you back, tasting himself on your tongue.

He licks the inside of your mouth and teases your bottom lip between his teeth.

“Why do you want me around?” he cups your jaw and rubs two thumbs down your cheeks. “I’m such a fucking mess. I’m not going to trick you into thinking that I’m something that I ain’t. I’m not a good man, June.”

“I said it earlier,” you say with a soft smile. “I would rather have you broken and bruised than be alone.”

#joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller x ofc #joel miller #tlou fanfiction #tlou fanfic #the last of us hbo #the last of us fanfiction #hbo the last of us #pedro pascal character #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal characters

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puffinpastry · 13 days

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Hello!! I adore your writing, by the way, both fics from you I've read!! I had a hard time deciding between asking about New Growth and Cryptobotany, but!! In New Growth, what does Wolfwood think of what's going on between Knives and Vash? Like he was technically a part of the Eye and has got to have some complicated feelings on Knives himself, but he's still trying to play mediator himself. He seems pretty chill with Knives, all things considered, but he also yelled at him pretty quick when he set off a panic attack in Vash on accident. So I'm really curious on what Wolfwood is thinking through all of it!

First off:

Thank you SO much! Both Cryptobotany and New Growth have been so much fun to write and I had no idea that they'd get as much traction as they have.

Secondly! Answer under a cut here! I got a little (very) long winded.

OKAY SO!

There are a few reasons that he's so relaxed about Knives hanging around and it really boils down to three things.

First: Knives isn't the only one here that's chilled out since the end of trimax. This version of Wolfwood has had the time he needed to do some inward thinking and more or less come to terms with at least some of the suffering that he'd been subjected to and the actions that he was forced to take to keep himself alive and the orphanage safe. Less of the kind of healing that actual therapy sort of help would do for him and more the result of there no longer being a constant threat and end goal to keep his mind too busy to stop and go 'Man. Was that fucked or what?' But the peace made him have to address it on his own. (Mostly on his own. Ofc he had support from Vash, it would've been impossible for him to miss.) He was able to accept what had happened and that very little of it, if any, had been his own fault. None of that is to say that he no longer feels any guilt over what had happened or that it doesn't still keep him up at night from time to time, but he has healed from it enough that he no longer has nightmares about leaving bloody hand prints on anyone and anything he touches.

All of that is to say that he recognizes Knives and his influence and responsibility for the things that the Eye did, either directly or in a more roundabout way, but at the same time the Eye is gone, LivRaz is free from their influence, the kids in the orphanage are safe from the possibility of having to go through the same things that he did, and Chapel is dead. All that's left of it is Knives and, well... The first thing he saw when he tracked Knives down was this man that was so clearly exhausted and beaten down. There was no fight left in him at all, and it almost reminded him of when he'd finally found Vash hiding out in a little town and calling himself Eriks. Except Knives didn't even have that little town or a Sheryl or a Lina to lean on or give himself some semblance of purpose.

So he went looking for Knives he'd only seen a few times before. The Knives he'd once pointed a gun at and feared too much to pull the trigger. He knew that this Knives was de-powered and defeated, but he still wasn't prepared for the sad wet beast born in a cardboard box all alone version that he found. He didn't even know that was possible… and kicking that when he was already down would have felt shitty to say the least. It was a version that was a lot harder to dredge up any fear for.

Second: This one is simpler. He knows that despite everything that has been done to him that Vash still has some deep rooted desire to have his entire family back, even if that isn't possible for one reason (dead) or another (tree-d and disappeared). He understands Vash's complicated feelings on it to some degree from his own experiences with the orphanage after he left and for the extended period of time where he thought he would never be able to go home. Their situations weren't the same, but they were just close enough for him to empathize with Vash. But then there Knives is all of a sudden, and even if it isn't going to fit in with or match up to the sort of impossible, idealized, shameful daydreams that Vash has to have from time to time, it's suddenly possible for there to be some kind of reconcilliation and even if they try and fail then there's more closure there than there would be if Knives was chased off and Vash was left to wonder what-if for the rest of his life. So even if he still does rightfully hate Knives... He hates the idea of Vash suffering another regret and having to cope with another source of misplaced guilt more.

And he wasn't lying when he told Knives that he wanted the twins to have more family and more support in their lives. Yeah, they've got him and Vash, and they've got Meryl and Milly and LivRaz. They've got the help of Melanie and they've visited the kids in the orphanage before, and they even have a few of the townsfolk, but Knives would be an important addition for the fact that he is a plant, and the twins are going to need some sort of guidance and Vash can only offer so much of that himself. Especially as he is now without powers and after a lifetime of trying to distance himself from what he was and after receiving no guidance of his own. They each had to figure out everything as they grew and between the both of them then the girls might not have to struggle as much as they did.

Third: this is the most important point. In New Growth Wolfwood knows about Tesla. I'll actually be getting more into this and why Vash chose to actually share something THAT personal later on because the idea of a short Wolfwood focused prequel planted itself into my head recently and I'm going to be doing something about that as soon as New Growth is finished. But anyway! Wolfwood knows about Tesla, and he knows about how both Knives and Vash reacted to their discovery of her. He knows why Knives made the choices he did, and he understands why he made them. Knowing that all of his actions came from fear and exactly what caused it gave him everything he needed to know to feel safe in believing it when Knives says that he's done.

So he is more comfortable with Knives around than he would have been without that knowledge, without needing him around for the girls' sake, and if Vash didn't want anything to do with him, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't still hold any uncertainty about having him in their home. He's still worried about the very real possibility of the whole thing falling apart and going wrong. Accidents still happen, and the panic attack that Knives triggered is a perfect example of that.

Even if the mistake that triggered that whole thing was pretty much harmless, the picture it made was still startling enough that it set off some of those fears. His reaction wasn't warranted but it wasn't exactly unwarranted at the same time. Does he really think that Knives is a danger/is going to do something to hurt anyone there? No. But the anxiety is there and he's spent the whole time feeling like he's juggling the temperaments and the potential for violence of two pretty much wild animals, even if those wild animals are busy playing house.

So in short... outwardly he's pretty calm, and he's having a good time pretending that he's all chilled out and in total control of the situation (and he kind of is, Vash and Knives are struggling but he's really doing the best he can for them and it's working) but internally he's shaking like a nervous chihuahua.

#my fic #trigun fic #fic: new growth #vashwood #asks #thanks for the ask!!! I love talking about this fic it's been eating my brain since I started it #I hope that answered your question I feel like I just went off topic and rambled for ages haha #the prequel is going to be shorter if i can stick to the plan I have in mind... maybe 5 chapters. 6 or 7 maximum. can't wait to start it!#prequel is only going to exist because I've spent the entirety of new growth wishing I could dip into wolfwoods pov but i must refrain.#we'll get his and vash's panic and their whole angst nonsense later!#i've got a bang fic taking up most of my time rn tho so new growth creechur and cryptobotany are taking a backseat until it's done but-#the next new growth chapter SHOULD be done within the next week or so. it's all mapped out I just have to make it presentable

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songmingisthighs · 1 year

Text

I have resurfaced from hanging out with cthulhu

nahh jk it's been a bad 3-4 days

but i'm gonna rant about what happened

I had an "argument" with someone and that "argument" caused a physical reaction (me crying obvi) that triggered a whole issue with my parents (esp my mom) which then triggered a behaviour most of you wouldn't approve of. I couldn't sleep until 10 am the next day and after i epke up, I spent the rest of the day just crying in bed, trying to calm myself down, but basically chilling in my depression hole while thinking or planning on how i can talk to the person i "argued" with bc i wanna talk like rational adults. but then the next day, i woke up to a hate message from the person i "argued" with and i was being blamed for something i had NOTHING to do nor do i have control of and then the argument continued while i was still having a concussion but this time another person dmed me and started a whole "you put yourself in a situation you're not supposed to be in". and also, i was put on an anon blast with accusatory statements but without the explanation of what happened or even my side of the story and that painted me as the WORST type of person/friend ever. and that led me to a whole new level of depression and thoughts a lot of you would be worried about like you'd call the cops on me or smth. thankfully i had enough sense to seek help from a friend and we vced and she kinda talked me down and talked some sense into me. and kinda made me feel understood and supported because i legit blamed myself for the whole issue, thinking that maybe those two people were right, but apparently my side was totally valid and understandable considering the circumstance. bc crazy part is, this whole "argument" was based on a pattern this person does that in the past had caused two communities to completely implode and revealed the other parties as crazy ass bitches bc of the drama they created. I'm just trying to hold onto the little amount of friends i have made bc i don't make a lot of friends bc it's hard for me.

initially i had such a bad breakdown and meltdown because of like 20000 stress piling on me with no support and my parents making everything worse. but when i woke up to the hate message and accusation and the my partner > you thing, it kinda truly broke my heart and broke the trust i made on friends or having friends. I spent years building that trust only for it to be broken down in one easy swing

in conclusion, i'm dealing with a sans!hwa situation (not completely ofc) and yes i'm (y/n) in this scenario and the two people i seek counsel from are sans!woosan

no bc how are you supposed to function after being told "that's my partner, ofc i'm gonna side with her" from your (maybe to them it's former at this point) best friend ??? and the other person just wanted me to drop it just because while i've been carrying my burden and pain while they happily pushed all the blame on me

truly i should've been worried when my ex started making sense

anyways that's the gist of the shit i'm dealing with. have y'all missed my socially awkward crazy ass self ???

#smt tmi

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psychelis-new · 2 years

Text

pick a pile: "What is it that you don't see now?"

take a breath and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read about something that may be hidden from you right now or that you aren't paying attention to but it's quite important.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 - 2 - 3

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pile 1

You're such a pile. You have no clue of where you're going, you cannot see the point in suffering or any other thing you're going through, you may see no way out. Still, you keep going. Even if you're frightened. It's so admirable, you cannot see it (gosh my ear is hurting and ringing so hard now I almost cannot hear anything. I kinda wrote "see" instead of hear, which is yeah, your point ig). Everything, every situation, has a message and a purpose, if you're open to hear/see/receive it. Even if you cannot see exactly what's going on, or where you're going, trust that everything will be clearer soon. And it's for your best. I was listening to music tbh while channeling for you. I felt pretty anxious/scared at first. Like, I liked trust or feared something was against me. I got a couple of songs, one after the other, one carrying the opposite message of the other (or maybe, they're completing each other). My device got stuck, restarted and shut down because of low battery (I had just charged it). I mean if this isn't you when you start overthinking and stopping yourself/self sabotaging until you get a burnout... But let's move to the songs, cause that's where you can find what you can't see. I feel many of you feel deeply alone (or better, lonely) on your journey. You fear being judged for your choices (you already had, probably), and now you think that nobody around can understand you. You feel something is missing but you don't know exactly what or how you can reach it. You try to search for signs, but you cannot always find them. You're a bit lost, but still not entirely stuck. Or if you feel so, you'll be called to move on anyway. The first song says "even a drop of darkness can poison a whole sun of happiness". I guess it's pretty representative of what is going on inside of you: every little negative feedback you get, destroys all the good ones (you know, sometimes we are just tested by the Universe to see if we're ready to get something we want... but I get that insecurities may get easily triggered: trry to find reasons to not let them. Trust, you're called to trust, keep going and trust). You tend to easily fall into negative talk (even self talk) these days. It's kinda normal seen this eclipse, we're called to do a huge healing job on ourselves. The other song is basically a reminder that you can afford it, that nothing is over yet and that things will get clearer ("Believe" by Yellowcard), "be strong, believe". Believe that you're here for a reason, that you're undergoing stuff for a reason (making you ready to receive), that your purpose will be right on your path and that you'll see everything. Again, keep going and trust. And don't be scared of your thoughts, put a light on the darkness, even the smallest black thing. Remember to be patient and kind, and take your time. Try for as much as you can to keep a quiet heart and mind: all that you're going through will be of help to you on your next step of your journey. Remember you're guided and protected. Always. Be open to receive: even if you cannot see or think you're undeserving, you'll receive. Keep going as you always do, even if you're tired and scared (ofc remember to take breaks though). You're almost there.

songs: mi salvi chi può* | ermal meta; believe | yellowcard *you can ask for a general translation if you need

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pile 2

Pile 2, I think you cannot see that you're really loved and appreciated. That there are people for you, but you keep turning to the ones who aren't for you. Please, you deserve so much more, stop doing that. I think some of you may also have people that are crushing on you, looking at you from afar. Or hiding their feelings (for now). My heart chakra is doing things... Maybe your crush likes you back? Or the person you wanna befriend, wanna befriend you as well. Something like that. Probably you cannot see that a clear communication could dissolve much of the fog you have around. But ofc, it has to happen at the right moment. Pile 2 you may have some self sabotaging tendencies, more in the sense of not being much self confident (in your appearance in particular? I don't get it, you're beautiful). You probably don't see that there's so much in store for you. And that you can actually get whatever it is that you wish for. You're so strong and deserving... A new cycle in which you'll be very abundant is going to start soon, but you need to take care of your own self confidence. Start this journey inside. You're so admired (and will be admired by even more people soon). You're literally blocking your blessings now. You may feel not enough, but you are. You dang are. You shine. Literally. Your first songs is about taking the courage to go down within yourself to find out your real worth and try to not be scared of the shadows you may find: you can heal them. Just don't let anyone interfere with them or trigger you before getting there and heal. And maybe stop trying to people-please: people loves you for who you really are, you don't have to wear masks. Those who like you for who you're not, aren't what you need in your life. You deserve better relationships. Be bold about who you are, never hide yourself. You can get really the relationship or career of your dreams. But you need to be aware of how beautiful and amazing and deserving you are. And be you. Cause now you cannot see that you can be loved already.

songs: not with you | keaton, la rappresentante di lista; do ya think i'm sexy | rod stewart

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pile 3

So much cold around here, plie 3. Are you feeling disconnected from others? Maybe even from your Guides. My heart chakra is in pain. Something is scaring you... no, maybe it's more sadness. Like, you feel abandoned? You're closed off now. Hermit mood. But a sad one. A lot of overthinking, confusing thoughts... You may need to heal something from the past or maybe a childhood trauma. Probably something that you realized now. Or you just got betrayed. I'm sorry. But you don't have to shut others out. You can actually find help in others, and support. It's never useful to do this kind of healing alone, you may grow indeed dissociate from people and it can become harder to turn back to them then (you know, we're human, we work through relationships... and even if now you only want to be left alone, one day you'll want to try again). Don't hide away your pain. You can talk about it, maybe with your Guides if you don't feel comfortable with people. Your cards just say to give it a try. To let in this new opportunity, to try again. And to find your own balance in things. At first it's hard to do so, cause the pain, the anger and the sadness may make you close off from others, but after you have purged this part, let go and give yourself and people another try. We're not all the same, you're the proof of this affirmation. You're the proof that there are good people too. I think a spiritual awakening might be on its way soon for you. Don't be scared of it. Your Guides are always there waiting for you to be ready and welcome them again. Or just to help you in this healing journey, if you're still in contact. Go back to the days in which you felt things were better and give to yourself. You have all you need to do so. Just keep pouring into your own cup first. Even if it doesn't seem so now, everything happens for a reason. And what you're going through, big or small, soon will become of secondary importance. Now you cannot see it but you can find your own light inside, you can still find something and someone good as you, for you. Manifest your dreams and peace. You can be your own light. Some of you may have lost hopes, feel betrayed by someone (people around you) or... even your Guides? First song may have a message for you. The thing that now you can't see is that you can get over it (with time and patience) and that it happened to give you a lesson. Not to hurt you, but to help you grow into the person you're supposed to be (and maybe receive what it is that you wish... you know sometimes we may be not ready yet). And to find the right people for you. (You may get a message soon that will help you get out of this mental/emotional situation, to help you see the light again)

songs: listening to freddie mercury | emery; in my veins | andrew belle, erin mccarley

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silentalltheseyearsnomore · 9 months

Text

Somehow got through the worst of the crisis. Didn't tell S for the first time. Told her when we saw her and she asked why we didn't reach out and we said we know she's already overwhelmed and if we were to come out the other side we needed her to still be there, we needed to protect our relationship. She got it. It sucks the situation we are both in because of complete lack of support from everywhere else. She is being our care co, advocate, therapist, attachment figure, everything at once because *no one else is* but ofc it is too much. Hence ending therapy. Because the best way she can help is to fight the system for us and get us the right support, while also staying around so we don't have another broken attachment. I know it's her doing everything she can to help us the best she can. It's just hard to not view it through the lens of so many triggers and abandonment. When the reality is she is doing ALL this, soon for free, out of care. It is just not all focused on the care littles want (cuddles lol) and more of what we need. Which is what someone who truly cares for you does.

I value her seeing the situation and knowing our therapy and relationship will be damaged if we continued the same and therefore ending therapy before the damage was too big. Like others should have done. But it still sucks that it means we have to start again with someone else AND get used to seeing her less. It sucks because she doesn't even want to see her less but her life is just so that if we don't see her at work it will be less. I know how much she is doing for us behind the scenes to fight the system and yet child parts just want the time with her. Even if logically her doing that work is what will help most. I value her so much doing this for us. It's just the fear of seeing her less is so fucking huge. From outside it may seem ridiculous because we're so lucky to have an attachment figure who wants to see us anytime she can, and the least it'll be is maybe a couple weeks.. that's kind of a lot, it's more than anyone in her personal life gets besides those she lives with, even family! We'd be fine seeing anyone else every couple weeks!! Yet going from 2 or 3 times a week to knowing she'll struggle for even once a week feels like actual death. Like, we laugh when we see the facts. But for child parts it is like literal death it feels. And I just hope it actually feels okay. We'll get used to it. We'll speak inbetween. We will be adding more support and it won't feel long at all- the isolation does add to the attachment pain, its not ALL about her. Its also about what it triggers, and about being lonely in general. We have to trust that will change. And trust we will feel connected. (Mostly I secretly hope her work thing settles so she has more time lol). Remember there is the possibility for a lot more in the future when we are better, she wants us to be involved in an amazing work thing if we get well enough. WHEN we get well enough. She WANTS us in her life. We are wanted. That is beautiful. That is everything. The rest is just noise and life in the way.

It sucks how when we are connected we feel okay but then we loss it and drown in dread. When we are together we think we can handle ending therapy, these changes, the unknown, all of it. We can feel how much she cares, we know it, we see it. She gave us the most beautiful birthday gift and held us and we talked about the fears and we both are just having to face the unknown as both our lives change. And we just have to trust. Trust that even though her life is changing, even though we have to end therapy, even though xyz, she will find time to see us. She'll still be there even if its different. Trust that this is very different to previous ex therapists (who her supervisors now want us to report and are basically blacklisting already..), because yes we are close but we are doing it healthily and slowly and boundaried. She is not being our mum, she is not promising things she cant deliver like they did. She says the hard things when needed, she knows limits. Trust that that doesn't mean she cares less. Trust she'll still fight to get us the right support. And we have to trust that the right support will actually happen, despite the huge obstacles. And we have to trust we can hold on until it comes. We have to trust so many things we can't see yet.

And when we are with her, we do trust. But when we are apart, it's just overwhelming. We can't take another broken attachment. And I do trust her not to do what others did but I also know the whole situation is so stressful and she is one human trying to do her best. And so are we. I do kind of think it may be okay with her.. she won't go. I feel less sure about getting specialised therapy funded. And I know all our stuff and needs can't fall on our relationship or it will suffer. So we need the other support to work out. And I am scared what happens in the meantime. I've never experienced either thing- enough support or an attachment figure staying in a safe and healthy way. So even if factually it looks like she's staying and it'll be okay, we still need to experience it.

Honestly I have no idea how we'll feel with this transition. I have a feeling either we'll feel like we are drowning, while S is abroad and when back will see her less even if she's doing more for us behind the scenes, and no therapy..... OR, we may feel better. Maybe we dont need our attachment wounds constantly poked at. Maybe space to breathe will help. We've done SO much work internally attachment wise. We've gone from wanting child parts dead to calling them (pet names) lovingly like B did and S now does. And we've had some experiences of them being loved and wanted outside too, even if chaotic and abusive at times. I don't even really know the next step even if I was being offered it. I don't think I ever want such a deep attachment in therapy again. Some kind of attachment sure but our main one? It just feels never endingly painful. I think we do better when it's outside of therapy. And inside of it to an extent too. Just not the main and only. So maybe getting used to S outside of therapy will somehow help us see what is needed moving forward. I so wish K was safe for us..... then we'd have two attachment figures outside of therapy, and the attachment in therapy would feel less brutal and poking with its stupid hour or so a week. But she just isn't. Maybe she never will be. There's no way to know. Right now she isn't. There's S. But she can't be *everything*. And I want more outside of therapy. It's just... we don't really ever attach that way outside. Child parts never do. So I guess we just try and build the attachments and connections outside of therapy. Settle in to what S can be. And maybe we'll see therapy differently going forward.

I honestly have no fucking idea. But I do know what we've been doing isn't sustainable. I do know I don't want my main attachment figure to be my therapist. And I don't know what that means. And it's not like you have a fucking choice in who you attach to anyway lollll who am I kidding. We don't even know what we will be offered yet. Or when. In a few weeks. Years. Its so hard to keep walking forward not knowing how anything looks. And just trusting. And trusting that S won't give up fighting for us or let go of our hand. Trust ourselves that we choose to trust her for good reason and not purely attachment. Trust ourselves to feel her hand is still there even when physically apart. Trust we can keep ourselves safe when we need to. Trust that having to do so doesn't mean we don't deserve others. Child parts deserve to be rescued and protected and kept safe. And we have to trust we can do that, and that others want to, even if they can't always. Trust ourselves that we can grieve the gap between what others can do and what we deserve/d.

#a lot of trust #sometime it feels like itll be okay #sometimes it feels like the doom cloud of the end of our life is chasing us #and theres no hope #i really dont know what is on the other side of this #i really hope its the start of some freedom AND better support #i really do #and really hope our body can heal more because being so disabled really makes it all so much harder to cope with #i could be at pride rn instead of laying in bed and that would help lol #and it really sucks that we have so many friends who would want to be there but it doesnt help as they only know a few parts #its child parts and tbose holding trauma who need the connection #otherwise jt feels empty snd mskes them feel worse not better #but we cant just magic up an ability for them to attach to people #its incredible they try trust anyone at all after everything #i wish it was easier to form close attachments #s

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nnato · 10 months

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🔀 mitchtonio!!!! (Ofc!!!)

Dark Side - Bishop Briggs

—

The house is silent when Antonio comes home. Mitch is still away for work but Antonio expects him back for tonight. Which is why he went out to stock up on groceries. He plans to prepare dinner for the both of them, not keen on going out and having to share his boyfriend again after being separated.

Antonio puts the grocery bags on the kitchen counter and starts to stuff the fridge. He is about to put a handful of yoghurt cups into the fridge when he hears a dull thud upstairs. Frowning, Antonio keeps still, straining his ears but there’s nothing. Maybe he’s starting to imagine things.

Just when he closes the fridge though there’s another sound.

“Mitch?” Antonio calls. Maybe his boyfriend got home early and is trying to surprise him. Antonio decides to check, just to be sure.

He goes upstairs, looking into every room he suspects Mitch could be hiding in. But nothing. Antonio is about to go back down when he hears a muffled voice coming from further down the hallway. Slowly, he moves closer to the source of the sounds, coming to stand in front a door he knows is always locked. When he moved into the villa with Mitch, Mitch had told him to use every room as he likes. Except for this one. Antonio had tried the once while being alone but found it locked. He hasn’t tried again.

Until now. Antonio puts his hand on the door handle, pushing it down. Unlike the last time, the door gives way, opening up to the only room Antonio has never seen from inside. What he finds is not something he ever expected to see.

Mitch. A gun with a silencer attached to it in his hand. Standing above a stranger who is chained to a chair. The chair has fallen over and with him the man. He’s breathing hard, his face all beat up and bloody. Mitch is pointing the gun at the man’s face. He hasn’t noticed Antonio yet.

Antonio wants to say something, wants to confront him about whatever this is. He doesn’t get a chance to. Without missing a beat Mitch pulls the trigger. There is no loud bang, only the last twitch of a body before it goes limp, lifeless. Mitch turns his head then, looking straight at Antonio. There is blood on his face too, staining his skin.

“Oh, hi babe. Didn’t expect you to be home already,” he says with a smile.

“What- What have you done?” Antonio asks, voice barely above a whisper. He keeps looking from Mitch to the man, eyes locking on the gun.

“Just finishing up a job. Can you do me a favour and wait downstairs?”

This must be a bad dream. Maybe Antonio hit his head and now he’s trapped in the worst nightmare possible? Because there is no way Mitch, his wonderful loving boyfriend, killed a man in front of his eyes without thinking twice.

“Y-You shot him. You just shot him. That’s- I don’t- Why…?” Antonio stammers out. Breathing is hard all of a sudden. He is gasping for air but it won’t come, not as much as he needs, and his body tenses up in panic.

Mitch is with him in the blink of an eye. He places the gun on a shelf nearby, taking Antonio’s face in his hands.

“Tonio, I need you to breathe with me now, okay? Nice and steady. In and out. In…. And out.” Antonio tries is best to follow the gentle voice of his boyfriend, imitates his breathing rhythm until his chest doesn’t feel so tight anymore.

“Yes, that’s my good boy. Good job,” Mitch praises, his thumbs rubbing over Antonio’s cheek. He can feel something wet on his skin and maybe he started to cry without realising it but there isn’t the telltale sign of his eyes burning or his nose running. Apart from the slight panic attack he feels fine. That is when he realises it’s not the wetness of tears. It’s blood.

Antonio eyes fly past Mitch again to the lifeless body on the floor.

“You killed that man,” he whispers, the whole expanse of the situation slowly sinking in. Not only did Mitch kill another person, Antonio also saw him do it. He is a witness. A danger to Mitch. Oh god, Mitch is going to kill him too.

“I’m sorry you had to see this. But try not to think about it, love.” Mitch leans in, pressing a gentle kiss to Antonio’s mouth. When Antonio runs his tongue over his lips, he tastes copper. Right, there is still blood on Mitch’s face. Some of it must have caught on his lips, and now Antonio has it on his own.

“How about you take a shower and I clean this mess up, hm? Does this sound alright with you?”

Antonio nods as if in trance. He doesn’t look back when Mitch guides him to their bedroom with the en suite. Before Mitch lets him go again though, he stops Antonio again, holding his hand out.

“I would prefer if you give me your phone though. Wouldn’t want you to do something you regret later, do we?”

Antonio shakes his head in answer, taking his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and hands it over to Mitch. The smile he receives for it is the same Mitch always gives him when he does something that pleases his boyfriend, and Antonio smiles back instinctively.

“Take you time, love,” Mitch says before closing the door between them. Antonio stands there a moment longer, staring at the wood while Mitch is on the other side, cleaning up. Getting rid of the body and all the evidence. While Antonio is still here, breathing, alive. Mitch didn’t kill him too.

And while Antonio should be worried, should be freaking out because his boyfriend is a killer, all he can do is smile. Because Mitch didn’t kill him. Mitch trusts him enough that he left him alone, that he wants to keep him by his side. Mitch trusts him not to run to the next police station and spill everything that he just witnessed.

It makes a rush of adrenaline paired with affection rush through his body. Antonio vows to himself in that moment to never betray Mitch’s trust. His boyfriend might have a dark side to him Antonio wasn’t aware of before but this doesn’t change him being the love of his life. Even when maybe one day there is nothing left but pain.

#i got this song for them and my brain immediatly went ‘hitman/trophy wife au’ so here we are!!!#a bit of a different way for Antonio to find out his man is not as good as he thought #mitchtonio #my writing #I need to think of a tag for this au bc I am working on writing more for it #inbox #ask games #tw blood #tw murder #tw killing #just in case

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