#Yeah you see me eat but I have a disorder where I restrict food

[makkie-is-screaming]

I’m tired of this disorder but It’s the only bit of control that I have

[writtenbymoonflower]

Hi there I was wondering if you would be comfortable writing a poly!maurauders x reader where the reader struggles with an eating disorder. Like she is from a pure blood family and it was a bad habit she picked up. I totally understand if you wouldn’t want to write something like that however!

hi lovely! thank you for requesting, i hope this is okay

cw: general discussion of ed struggles and thoughts (including restriction, binging, and purging, not detailed), swearing, sexual joke implying rough play (towards the end)

1k words

You weren’t sure how long you had been in the kitchen for, but it started to feel like an excessive amount of time. You stared into the cupboards, scanning the shelves for something to eat. Both everything and nothing was appetizing. You would then give up, sighing in disdain before repeating the same process with the fridge, then the freezer, then back to the cupboards, then the freezer again to make sure-

The door opened, a bag dropped, shoes squeaked against the hardwood floors. 

“Hey, angel!” James barrelled into the kitchen. You turned towards him so he could embrace you. 

“Hey, Jamie. You’re back early.” He looked at you questioningly, cutting his eyes to the oven clock. 

Shit! It had been that long? 

“Oh wow!” You laughed uncomfortably. “I must’ve lost track of time.” You shrugged as Sirius slid into the kitchen, patting your ass as he walked past. You turned your now-warm face in his direction. He opened the cupboard, immediately finding a snack and eating with ease. It made you jealous to see the boys eat with so much levity. They never denied their cravings in favor of something smaller, or even nothing at all. They never stared a hole into every nutrition label, wondering how days of food would have to be restricted to compensate, or how many steps would have to be taken to burn every bite off, or how easy it would come back up. They never wallowed in hunger for hours, or ate to the point of pain. Their moral value had never been questioned based off of the food they chose to eat (or not eat). You must’ve been staring in wonder for a long time, because Sirius had quirked a dark brow at you. 

“You checking me out, babydoll?” He teased. You shook your flaming face, looking away from him and mumbling an apology. The quick motion had you seeing spots though, and you brought a hand to your head in hopes of steadying yourself. 

“Shit, sweetheart.” James grabbed your face, looking you over for any visible injuries. 

“Sorry, I just got a bit lightheaded.” This called the two boys to alert fast. 

“Yeah, baby?” Sirius asked carefully. He crooked a finger at you, beckoning you over while James quickly went to get you some water. He felt your face, which was now cold, he scrunched his brows in concern. He moved his hands to your hips, hoping that would keep you steady. You took the water from James, noticing the pinkish hue.

“It’s electrolytes. It will taste good I promise.” He reassured. The taste wasn’t what you were worried about. “When did you last eat, angel?” That was the dreaded question. You struggled through the dense fog of memory. 

“Umm, me and Remus ate together earlier. I’m not sure when, though.” You did remember exactly what you had eaten, though. With a little too much clarity for comfort. Like magic, Remus appeared, holding three empty mugs of tea. 

“What are you gossiping about me for?” His voice would seem monotone to most, but you could hear the humor in it. 

“Remus, love,” James asked gently. “When did you and Y/N eat?” 

“We had a late breakfast after you two left today.” He responded suspiciously. You winced. It hadn’t felt like that long ago. The time it took for Remus to understand the situation was very little. 

“Did you forget to eat today, honey?” James’ anxiety was evident. You could tell he was hoping it was forgetfulness, as opposed to the other possibility. 

“Yeah. I tried to find something a while ago but nothing looked good.” They knew you got like this. Too much choice, nothing made the voice inside your head happy. 

“That’s okay.” James’ hand was rubbing a soothing path up and down your arm. “I haven’t had dinner yet, we can find something together.” He pressed his lips to your forehead before turning to the other two in the room. “Have you two eaten yet?” 

“Not since lunch, no.” Remus slipped back out of the room. 

“I mean, I could always eat.” Sirius said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Remus returned, carrying upwards of ten bars of chocolate. 

“Have some of this, dovey.” Remus picked out your favorite, starting to break it into chunks for you. 

“Rem, it’s okay.” You panicked. Your brain was screaming, both in want for food and in rejection. “I don’t need it.” 

“Sure you do.” He said, nonchalant. You picked up a bar of chocolate, flipping the package over. You didn’t have a chance to look before James took it from you. 

“Baby!” He laughed in disbelief. “I can’t believe you thought we would let you do that.” He was right. Since the boys picked up on your issues, they always tried to hide these things from you. Bottles would be handed with the label facing away from you, they would read items off of the menu at restaurants, hoping you wouldn’t look yourself, and the scale in the bathroom had strangely disappeared. Something that apparently Sirius ‘didn’t even notice, dolly, that’s funny.’

“Here, open up.” Sirius grabbed a square of chocolate from Remus’ stash. “Say, ahh.” He teased. 

“Siri,” You laughed. “I don’t need you to feed me.” 

“So? I want to. Stop being so selfish.” You let him place the chocolate in your mouth, rolling your eyes at him. He apparently took great offense to your attitude, deciding to worm his fingers into your waist in revenge. You tried desperately to bat his hands away. 

“Careful, pads.” James tried to scold, obvious humor and affection slipping into his tone. “You’ll make her choke.” Sirius grunted in disdain. 

“I guess you’re right.” Sirius kissed you, mouth still full of chocolate. You pulled away, dizzied to chug water.

“Thought that choking was my job.” Remus said casually. You nearly spit your water out.

[equallyshaw]

through thick and thin, always | mat barzal

not too sure if i wanna do gif's or pictures like that above..trying something new out (:

warnings: mental health struggles and ed talk.

word count: 2.9k+

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trigger warning: relapse in an eating disorder, but not to graphic! talks of therapy and past shame/guilt.

della's mental health struggles had been brewing for some time, long before she ever met mat. when she met mat, her mental health improved along with her self-esteem just by the sheer fact that she was dating somebody. however, this year's fall rolled around it seemed as if everyone, every situation, and herself were against her. with having the luxury of working from home 5 days a week, she was alone a lot and in turn, had oh so much time for her thoughts to feast on her self esteem. for the first time in almost 6 years she'd had the urge to restrict. she kept reminding herself that her habit got her nowhere all those years ago, but she had that hopeful optimism that it would be different this time. a few days before christmas, sydney was hosting a holiday party for the last game before christmas and she noticed something very off with her good friend. her friend drowned herself in the alcohol that was provided and not much of the food that sat out. della felt very uncomfortable, she felt like none of her clothes fit right over her bones and curves, she felt like the odd man out seeing everybody wearing the clothes she desperately wished she could, though knew she might never be able to. she thought about how mat looked at her, and what he thought of her physically. she felt like she wasn't good enough for him, even after almost three years together.

sydney watched as the girl sipped on her wine whilst looking out at the backyard as snow fell, and felt her heart fall. she made her way over, and wrapped an a soft arm around the girl's back. "you good, dells?" sydney asked and della nodded. "ofcourse, why wouldn't i be?" she mused putting on a fake smile. "well..you've barely watched the game and i just wanted to make sure you were good. that's all." sydney said and della nodded. "yeah! sorry, been busy with work and just trying to clear my head a bit." della said, the perfect smile enchanting her pale skin. sydney nodded, "well lets go to the kitchen, the girls are snacking away right now." and della frowned. "i-i think im heading out now. i have a deadline tomorrow and i wanna make sure i have it done on time." della said as the two walked towards the kitchen. "oh, okay. no worries, please let me know when you get home." sydney said pulling her into a hug. one that della needed desperately after a 2 week road trip. "ofcourse, syd." della hummed before putting on her coat and walking outside. della quickly made her way to the car, feeling her headache grow as the alcohol was continuously hitting her empty stomach. she sighed, as she got into the car and chewed on her lip. she looked at her lap, and felt the tears finally poured over onto her cheeks. she made her way back to her townhouse a few neighborhoods over and sat in the garage that seemed like an hour.

her mind and thoughts were racing with what she did that evening, how much she drank, and spoke, how many excuses she made and white lies that were said. she thought about how sydney had looked at her, with pity? remorse? concern? della did not have much more time to think before her phone began to ring. mat's name popped up and she let it go to voicemail, most likely wondering where she was. she had said she'd be at syd's for the evening and some of the guys were stopping by there afterward.

for the first time in years, she truly hated herself. hated how she looked to herself and to others. her body dysmorphia crippling her once more. she got out of the car, and headed inside and was greeted by her corgi, 'poppy' and quickly kneeled down to be on her level. she curled up into a ball with poppy and sobbed. realizing how bad it was getting again, and it made her guilty because of how much progress she'd made. "why poppy? why does it always have to come back at the worst times?" della mumbled, as poppy laid on her chest now. her phone began to ring again and a few texts came in, but della did not budge to look. she got up, ripping her coat off feeling suffocated. she threw it on the ground towards the garage door and headed towards the kitchen to grab more alcohol. as she was pouring herself some more wine, she heard a knock on her door. she sighed, walking over towards the front door saw her neighbor and now good friend lea. "saw you pull in, hun. brought some goodies over." and once della saw the dark chocolate peppermint bark, she knew she was a goner. "come on in." della hummed, and poppy quickly greeted the redhead. "whats the most expensive wine you own, doing out?" lea questioned as she walked into the kitchen and della nodded. "cuz the world hates me as much as i hate myself." she murmured and lea frowned. "is it bad again?" she questioned her friend and della nodded, looking down as her lip quivered. "have you told mat?" lea questioned softly and della shook her had. lea quickly wrapped her arms around her friend, allowing her to cry. "if i-i tell him, he'll break up with me. nobody wants to date somebody that is sick. that's so mentally fucked u-up." della sobbed and lea shook her head. "della, that man loves you. just absolutely adores you babe. you dont need to tell him tonight but please at some point.." lea trailed off and della knew she had to. "i just need to prepare myself for the chance he does though, i have too." della said pulling back just a bit and lea nodded softly. "ofcourse babes." and della eyed the bark. but instead, grabbed the wine bottle and glass and headed towards her bedroom with lea following with another glass and poppy.

_

it was the next morning, and della had the absolute worst hungover she'd had in a long while. with no food in her system, her stomach was also in shambles. lea was sound asleep on mat's side of the bed with poppy sleeping at their feet. the wine bottle sat empty next to della's side with a half bottle of tequila wiped clean. della rubbed her temples before feeling her stomach begin to churn. she quickly headed over towards the ensemble washroom and chucked the liquid coming up. she heaved for a few seconds before laying down face first on the cool tile. she growled as her phone begin to ring once more, and as it finished it began to ring once more. "fucking mat, leave us alone." lea said as she woke up, declining the call.

mat grew nervous and a bit frustrated with the call going to voicemail once more, he'd been trying all night and now morning with no luck. sydney had said she left in a hurry to finish up some work and made it seem like she wanted to be alone. mat wouldn't bother her unless she said something to him, not wanting to get in the way of her rapid deadlines. he made his way out of his condo and drove to get some coffee and a breakfast sandwich for the girl before heading over to her place. if she wasn't going to pick up, he'd be going to her.

della walked downstairs with lea, carrying the glasses and alcohol bottles down with them. the bark lay uneaten on the counter, and della had the urge to grab the tin and stuff her mouth with as much as she could. she was fighting the urge to completely binge till her heart could content, and lea noticed. "ill keep this nice and cozy until you say something. ok?" lea said taking the tin and della sighed in content. "thanks." she mumbled, leaning over to feed poppy. "ill call you later, im gonna shower and see how far i last before i need to nap." della said hugging the redhead who nodded. "okay, let me know if you need anything. i mean it, you send the word and ill come running." she hummed and della giggled. "thanks lea." she said walking her to the front door, and as lea opened it she stopped frozen seeing the 6 foot hockey player at the door, his set of keys in his mouth as he tried to open the door. "morning barzal." lea said stepping across the threshold and past the tall dude. della did not say anything but open the door wider for him to enter. he stepped inside the warm house, pressing a kiss to her temple. and in doing so, noticed her under eye circles, her face looking gaunt and her eyes red and puffy. his eyebrows crinkled, as he set down the coffees and sandwiches on the table next to the door, concern flooding his entire body.

"della rae-" he said placing his hands softly on her pale cheeks, inspecting her from top to bottom. she'd lost weight, a good amount since the last time they had spent a substantial amount of time together; which was now almost a month ago. she shut her eyes not wanting to meet his questionable eye and worrying face. it was beginning to click for mat, and in the instant he realized, he pulled her in for a bone-crushing hug. fearing that if he let go, he'd lose her even more. she felt loose tears fall down her cheeks onto his shirt, and she let out a soft whimper. that only made him pull her in tighter. things were now clicking for him, why she was barely responding to his sister's text, why she was also not responding to his texts and phone calls like she once had. and finally, the suspicions that sydney had the previous evening, were correct. "im sorry matty." she whispered against his chest, and he pulled back just a bit to look at her. he shook his head as she looked up with fear written across her face. "im sorry im a mess...and that im sick. im so sorry." she said clenching her eyes shut whilst sniffling, with mat wiping her tears away. "never apologize della, don't apologize for this. it isn't your fault- at all. i promise you that." he said as she reopened her eyes. as guilt and hunger washed over her once more, she looked to the side and saw the coffees and then looked back at mat, "can i take those?" she mumbled and he nodded softly. "you don't ever have to ask, hun." he said as she stepped out of his arms and around him. she took the coffee and sandwich, holding them close to her chest and headed into the small living room that had a small library, fireplace, and a plush couch. mat followed suit with his and followed her into the room, sitting down next to her. but leaving just a bit of room between the two.

she stared at the sandwich bag, as she held the coffee straw near her lips wanting to fight the urge but knew she needed to eat. "i need help mat.." she said defeatedly as she stared at the bag. mat looked over with a worried look and demeanor, and took notice of the staredown she had with her coffee. he set his coffee down, and took her's as well, and placed it on the coffee table in front of them. he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. she took in the familiar warmth that he had. "im sorry I've been distant recently...i just have been so consumed with it all and because of it i've been exhausted." she said softly and mat kissed the top of her head. "i noticed something was off..when we went to thanksgiving with your family. i sensed something was off because every time i tried...tried looking at you you would look away or at the ground. it hurt me. it made me feel like you were embarrassed or guilty of something and i-i should have noticed it. and im sorry, i didn't." he said biting the inside of his cheek, trying to not cry. della's heart broke hearing how much it hurt him that she was very distant at thanksgiving. she was hoping he wouldn't notice and chalk it up to the many conversations she had found herself engrossed in.

"i love you della rae... nothing is going to change that. no matter how complicated this may get." he said feeling her tense up somewhat at his confession. she nodded into his chest, feeling him tighten his arms around her.

_

christmas, new years and valentines had rolled around with anxiety and apprehension as della progressed through therapy. after christmas, mat took the week leading up to new years off to be there for della as well as all star break + by week. della was grateful to have him in the house as she returned to work and basked in his presence before he headed back on the road. when he left, sydney and some of the other girls took turns coming over and bringing her out whenever she could. she accredited a lot to those girls, and added them to her list of why she should strive for recovery.

it was now playoffs time, and for the first time in a long while she was excited to head to a home game. when sydney had let the girls know that the jackets were being ordered, she jumped at the opportunity to get one. mat's heart was all fuzzy and warm when she showed him it right before they headed out. she did a little twirl for him and a few poses, before they shared a kiss. "oh!" he said remembering to grab what he'd been saving for some time, and as della headed out to start the car; mat ran to go get it.

the two made their way down to the arena and as she was about to drop mat at the players entrance, he paused and pulled out a letter of sorts for della. "i uh..I've been keeping this for a while not sure when to give it and whatnot, but seeing you tonight and how excited you were to put on the jacket which i know is something that you've been insecure about in the past.." he trailed off pausing to place the letter in her hands. "im so incredibly proud of how far you've come in these short few months, and i just wanted to write something down. i wasn't even going to give it to you but tonight, i just have this feeling of immense pride della rae. but uh..yeah ill see you later. ok?" he said placing a peck on her cheek. she smiled, watching him open the door and hop out. "good luck hun." she smiled widely and as mat looked at her once more, he saw the genuine smile he'd missed dearly. he nodded before shutting the door and heading towards the entrance. she pulled off into the family and friends parking lot and stared down at the letter. her heart swelled, just thinking about what the contents of the letter were.

she pulled it open softly and carefully, as to not rip the letter. she smiled softly at the handwritten note and read it slowly. words of encouragement, words of pride, and love. words of sadness and words of commitment. she sniffled as she finished it, completely taken back by it. she knew mat had felt all of these things, but seeing it in writing made her heart swell. he loved her deeply and without hesitation. she got out of the car and headed towards the private entrance and once sydney saw her walk through the box's entrance, she jumped up and down. della smiled as the others all made their way over to greet her. "picture time!" one of the girls cheered and sydney pulled her friend with her towards a spot in the back. "lookin good sista." she hummed and della smiled widely. pictures were taken, food was consumed along with alcohol and the up's and down's of playoff hockey was experienced that evening.

as soon as she saw mat walking into the box, she smiled widely before he kissed her quickly. "great game, matty." she said looking up at him and he smiled widely. a hard effort was fought, with a win now accredited towards the islanders. "lets head home." he said and the two walked hand in hand towards the car. mat opened the passenger door for her, and she thanked him before he shut the door.

she saw the letter sticking out of her purse, and she turned towards at who buckled. "thankyou for the letter mat, you have now idea how much i appreciate it." she said leaning over the console, and he met her in the middle. "through thick and thin always, my love will never falter for you della rae." he spoke softly before kissing the girl passionately. she melted into the kiss, before pulling away. "lets get home, we've got a lot to celebrate." she hummed running a soft thumb over his cheek.

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no tags just because its a sensitive topic!

[halfpricedpages]

intro post (finally)

ive debated making an intro post because first off ive been on tumblr for two years and I never got around to it and secondly I am really really horrible at talking about myself because what is to much info and what it to little info and the cycle continues but im giving it a shot because I feel like my mutuals have no idea who I am lmao

HAI my name is Charlie im 15 (18+ I dont mind if you follow me but please dont dm me thank you :]) I use jasper as an online name kind of (at this point its just reserved for my best friend ace but I dont mind if other people call me jasper since I still love the name)

my pronouns are he/him but im also perfectly comfortable with common neopronouns (it/its xey/xem) if you wanna get funky with it.

im a self diagnosed autistic and ARFID (if you dont know what that is its an eating disorder where certain factors make you avoidant and restrictive of the food you eat and it has nothing to do with physical appearance. for me its linked to my autistic sensory issues(ALSO OCD NOW?!!? WHAT THE FUCK?!!?)) I have depression and anxiety and the only reason I mention this is because I relate my mental health to my fav characters in tv shows and books and stuff so if you see me posting about them like everything is connected lol

(my a03 is ghostwithfeet if you want to see me be silly and project my weird life onto fictional characters (I am the most inconsistent updater in the world please expect nothing from me if you even ask about a project it will scare me and like I turtle I will crawl into my shell never to see the light of day again))

my interests really vary about current hyperfixations but heres the master list

current hyperfixs

stranger things specifically Byler but mostly mike wheeler (this has turned into a special interest(I DO NOT support Noah schnapp or another of the other cast members who are in support of the inhumane actions the Israel government are doing. I am pro saving innocent civilians. I know that this can be controversial to be such a big fan of this show and honestly I have a lot of complex feelings on the matter but im autistic as previously mentioned and its my special interest and It won't leave my brain even if im not directly interacting with the media so im gonna yap about it on my blog thank you.))

also just Finn wolf hard for some reason (check out his band the Aubreys its awesome. also check out a recent movie he was in called when you finished Saving the world. it means a lot to me)

donna tarts the goldfinch book

old special interests/hyperfixs

the percy Jackson universe specifically nico di Angelo

the IT universe specifically reddie and Beverly marsh but more leaning towards richie tozier (see what I mean with the Finn wolf hard thing)

dead boy detectives !!

doctor who (I haven't even finished David tenants doctor yet so please no spoilers)

Alice oseman content (never read loveless or iwbft but ive read all of her other stuff)

paper girls graphic novel

other interests

the good place tv show

Kathleen Glasgows book girl in pieces

the walking dead comics including the clementine spin off graphic novels

um yeah thats all I can think of for now

my fav musicians/bands

florence and the machine

indigo de Souza

Kevin Atwater

searows

the Aubreys

sadurn

the cranberries

soccer mommy

runo plum

nep

lala lala

the smiths

hospital bracelet

Chappell roan

AURORA

Madilyn Mei!

Elliot smith

(my music taste is all over the place and is also very seasonal and I have a bunch of underground artists I dont listen to but I am here to give good recs I promise my playlists are fire)

we've gotten to the part of the intro post where im wondering if this is way to much information so sorry if I overshared idk but hope we can be silly mutuals or friends if you want (never be scared to shoot the friendship shot I would love to yap with y'all)

also since this is taking over my other pinned post I just want to put this as an honorary spot and let everyone know that my old pinned post was a quote from radio silence and that Aled last is me and I am him and the February Friday plot line is actually me and it makes me sick how much I resonate with that book

[skinimini80]

Tbh if ur looking to break a b/p cycle not purging post binging/overeating is the WAY.

Whenever I b/p, I literally get rewarded for bad behavior in the form of weightloss. Like I enjoy some flavor (mostly stop caring about taste like a couple minutes in) and wake up skinnier. The only things that punish me are the awful feeling of I’m actually going to die any day now, dehydration, fear of any amount of food, fear of water, financially fucked (fr this one is the worst for me).

Yet the only thing I really care about is progress.

My binges have grown due to b/ping so when I truly binge, I almost always throw it up whether I want to or not HOWEVER when I overeat I can sometimes keep it down.

When I overeat and weigh myself the next day, it isn’t easy to see the number go up but it does make me feel like I have a better sense of where my body is at. I’d rather lose through calorie restriction and be like 5 lbs heavier than I thought than constantly be dehydrated.

Plus when you keep food down you can be wayyyy more exact in your calorie counting.

Anyways overeating leaves me full, bloated, and not wanting to binge. Like I do obsess over what I’ll eat but I have no desire for that frenzy of eating whatever I want. I used to feel that kind of desire when I was anorexic, but if I’m being totally candid I’ve been more bulimic than anorexic for years now. I’ve binged over and over and over. It isn’t fun if I can’t purge it. It isn’t desirable. When I eat more than enough my mind isn’t even on food unless I’m planning to allow myself to eat. I can keep food in my kitchen and not touch it! Not even think about it!

Lately I’ve been spiraling back into my b/p fasting hell. I’ve interrupted the cycle for two days now. I already feel a renewed sense of I wanna restrict. Maybe I’m delulu, but I feel a second wave of a honeymoon phase coming on.

So yeah idk maybe try it. Just a day or two. Hell I’m doing a week (sort of, I don’t really wanna eat today lol). Trust me, I almost always get a new honeymoon phase once I get past the initial dread of thinking I gained everything back.

This isn’t targeted towards all bulimics btw. It’s really more towards those who are in the late stages of literally leaving nothing in their stomach. Bulimia is such a crazy thing because most people gain from it, but once you get to a point you can really lose real weight. It’s not worth it. It’s not quicker than just restricting. I’ve been so ill (like near death sickness not an ED) and truly bulimia hell felt so much worse than that.

Btw I call it bulimia hell because I still think I’m bulimic, but I’m not afraid of water anymore and I can convince myself to eat more easily.

Another option is just go full gym bro. Eat enough, build muscles, obsess over calories and feel in control while somewhat improving your health (it’s unhealthy to not take a minute to let your body heal first and it probably will bite you in the ass but it is better than continuing a bulimic spiral)

Also if you can just stop trying to lose weight that would be best for you. You would feel far more hopeful than the solution I’m offering. I just know I’d rather someone stop dehydrating themself like a raisin and restrict their calories than just say “you haveeeeee to accept weight gain! No other way! You simply must go all in! Even though this disorder is all about all or nothing! You have to giveeeeee up that mindset of all or nothing while simply declaring absolutelllyyyyyyyy NO more disordered behaviorrrrrrrrsss”

If you can, yay! I’m so envious! I’m truly astonished at your bravery and commitment. Most of us aren’t so incredible. We are all capable of it, but clearly we tend to lean on coping mechanisms. We feel we need something.

I’m just so god damn tired of being told I must be ready to recover in order to improve my quality of life even a little! I’m not ready! Why would I be! I don’t want to recover but I don’t want to die over a toilet either! Let me wean off! Let me reduce harm! Give me my fucking time!

Anyways I’m horrified at quasi recovery so I am restricting and stuff still but idk I’ve been through these phases a couple of times in the past two years and I gotta say, I didn’t get fat. I didn’t go back to being 140 lbs. I had moments of pure hope and joy. I felt my body relax a little. I’m losing again and have a new breath of air in my lungs. I’ve got the second wind in the race. It’s okay to regroup. It’s okay to harm reduce.

It’s okay to eat. It’s okay to compromise. If it means not having a heart attack because you refuse water, than by all means eat 1200 cals and keep it in! It’s so much better than nothing!

[lariej]

there seems to be a special brand of unawareness that comes from skinny people who have never been overweight. it just screams “you have never had to consider things and how we interact with the world like we do”

i have been sitting with my smaller friend and a man comes up to us to start flirting with her, completely blanking my whole existence - and thats just NORMAL for ppl who are overweight

my smaller friends with eating disorders will joke about how unhealthy food is or how many calories are in it while we're all at a restaurant, and i'm all for joking through the pain n shit but we both know by the end of that meal you will leave food on your plate and i won't

i sit there and wonder if they've ever stopped to think about how every time they say that I get the impression that their worst fucking nightmare is to look like me

being overweight you view the world and people SO differently, and people view YOU so differently too.

there's the 'fat funny friend' stereotype bc if you aren't funny or show off your 'curves' in a sexy way, then some people will literally just ignore your existence. like you just won't EXIST to them. i always think about how one of the things people who have lost weight always say is how weird it was to finally be receiving attention from people.

it's experiencing the world being made for skinny people in bus seats when my arm touches someone i'm sat next to, or googling weight restrictions for rides before we decide to travel there (which are never posted on their website)

being overweight is simultaneously feeling like my presence is 'too much' when im around others, and also that i just don't exist bc people seemingly never SEE me.

and then people wonder why i just don't BELIEVE people when they say they're attracted to me as if it wasn't a game growing up to 'fake ask out' the overweight girl bc everyone finds dating someone that size fucking hilarious

people who don't live with this experience just won't GET it and explaining it feels impossible bc how the fuck do i expect u to get it you don't have to THINK about it and how it will influence your decisions every!!! day!!!!

it's damn exhausting and that's why i'm always happy to celebrate someone when they've lost weight and are happy about it bc yeah, fat positivity and body neutrality movement, but being overweight and LIVING where your body is outside of the standard is HARD and i don't blame them for wanting to make their life easier in that way

[back2badhabits]

03/30/2023

Y’all I’ve lost 3 pounds since my last entry woooooo. I’ve been able to keep under 800 every day this week. I haven’t even eaten anything today yet.

I had my first in-person therapy appt yesterday where I intended to break up w my therapist using the excuse that my psychiatrist said I need a psychologist but she got mad and uh it didn’t end up happening. I’m seeing her again Monday.

I told her abt all the food stuff and mentioned that I wasn’t rlly looking to change it. She said she wasn’t worried bc I wasn’t like deathly thin and when I mentioned my bmi she said it was “good”. When I talked abt how I purged a few days ago bc I didn’t like the feeling of being full, she was kinda like “ah yeah, I get it” lol?

She also just like. Does not comprehend so many things. She doesn’t think I’m psychotic or schizo despite that being why I’m on the meds I’m on, despite the delusions, despite the hallucinations. She just doesn’t understand a lot of Asian stuff and like will say things in just,,, not the nicest way. She got aggressive w me right after a long talk abt how react extremely negatively to any perception of aggression or anger. God. Idk what to do.

She thinks I wouldn’t qualify for hospitalization which is cool.

Oh, also, she thinks all this food issue stuff is more impulse mood-disorder issues than eating disorder issues which is. So cool. And I totally bet it’s because of my size ah hahah. Fuck.

Whatever. Whatever whatever whatever.

I have a massive beer in the fridge I want to find an excuse to drink but I also know that beer is like a shit ton of calories, ugh.

I wanna just keep fasting tbh but I know I can’t because I have to take my meds with food or it causes almost unbearable nausea. It’s so much easier to just fast and have nothing than it is to eat and restrict and try to make sure you don’t overeat.

I’m so tired dude.

03/31/2023

12:18 am

I just got off the phone with O a little while ago. I asked them and C to video call me while I cooked bc I was scared I might leave the stove on again or something, and I wanted to take my pill early since I have to be up early tomorrow for a passport photo appointment.

Yeah, so much for that.

I ended up throwing up after eating because I was so nauseous. I had about 615 calories before I did. I threw up about 1/4-1/3 of it so today’s cals are really like 489.

O found out and then asked how much I’d had all day. I told them what the number was before throwing up and they got super freaked out and yelled at wouldn’t let me finish my sentences and I cried and I just want to die. I used to think of such wonderful and fun and beautiful times whenever I thought of them but now I can’t look at them or think about them without hearing what they sound like yelling. I hate it. I bet now when they think of me, they only think of horrible things too.

I don’t know if I want to go back. When people yell here at least, I can go sit in my room and close the door and be with my stuff and drink to cope if I want. I can’t do that there.

I don’t feel safe with anyone anymore.

I’m so worried about C too. I gave them weight concern issues when I was there and they started restricting their eating and O keeps talking about my issues and my calories and stuff with them and I know that that must be all kinds of triggering but even when I say they shouldn’t and even when I try to imply it’s not something to discuss in front of them, they don’t listen. I don’t know what to do because O will be upset if I don’t tell them things but I don’t want to keep risking triggering C worse since this just becomes an inescapable lifelong thing.

Fuck everything dude, I want a coma.

[lastoneout]

big tw for talking about disordered eating, medical procedures/problems, mental health issues, and pet health/death below

hahaha I am about to fucking light myself on fire

so like for the last two years my doctors have been trying to get me to lose weight because apparently the only thing that will fix my idiopathic cranial hypertension is weight loss OR a spinal shunt, which they also keep acting like a shunt is like some sort of life-ruining medical procedure that I absolutely do not want to undergo so that's fun and not giving me severe anxiety

but like losing weight is NOT going well bcs it turns out I have a LOT of trauma from growing up severely food insecure and trying to restrict my food intake any further than I already do legit triggers my ptsd and makes me freak out which is GREAT

though it's a fun paradox because it makes me freak out in a way where I just stop eating, like them constantly saying I'm "overweight" makes me want to stop eating forever, like just thinking too hard about it makes me shut down and not eat all day until my fiance makes me and I have no idea how to process any of that (like I'm not kidding just seeing the word "overweight" on my referral is making me want to die)

and I keep trying to eat healthier but that's not going well bcs I'm disabled and I have adhd so I already only eat two meals a day if that, like I legit only started reliably eating breakfast six months ago or so, and I can't just Not Eat so the food I make needs to be easy and that means like freezer waffles and uncrustables and frozen dinners and ramen and boxed macaroni and shit right stuff they keep telling me NOT to eat

and also this year we've been pretty poor due to my fiance losing his job so like I CANNOT afford healthy food sometimes like it is just frozen dinners or nothing

which is also frusterating bcs my neurologist and primary doctor's only suggestion for how to lose weight is not eating like I'm not kidding my neurologist just told me to skip lunch and my primary suggested intermitent fasting which like!! I ALREADY DON'T EAT THREE MEALS A DAY AND THAT'S NOT WORKING SO???

and like I know there is nothing wrong with being fat or having any body size at all, but I'm only like 150lbs which is apparently, according to every doctor I've seen, way lower than the threshold when this is supposed to become a problem, like they KEEP saying "we just don't see this problem in people your size" and it just makes me want to scream bcs then ofc they're like "but you should lose weight" cuz like you can't have it both ways fucker!! it's either a weight problem or it isn't!!

and on top of all of this not only did one of my dogs die, my other one's health has basically degraded to the point where he's gonna have to go too and like WOW try managing all that fucking nightmare shit while also trying to manage all of my health problems and lose weight it's fucking hard okay

and ALSO we are legit only just getting my sleep schedule under control bcs I just Don't Sleep and have nightmares constantly when I do, and the only thing I had that helped was my dog because she was a german shepherd and for the last 10 years every time I've been anxious at night I just think about how she would protect me or at least let me know if something was wrong but she's gone now and my other dog is deaf and basically blind and has severe dementia so he can't protect me

and all of that anxiety stems from trauma from an attempted break in that happened like 10 years ago when I was home alone with nothing but my dogs to protect me so like, they were my safety blanket and now one's dead and I just can't fucking deal with it and I know once my other dog is gone I'm just going to be having debilitating anxiety every single time I try to sleep so yay

so like yeah try losing weight when you're basically falling apart at the seams due to all of these fucking problems (and I don't have a scale in my house because I know it would be unhealthy and make me lose my mind so I can't be sure but I'm pretty confident that I've actually gained weight recently which is making me feel SO MUCH WORSE)

anyway the final breaking point is apparently that my insurance doesn't cover a nutritionist, so if I want to go to one, which with all of this trauma and adhd and shit I should probably go to someone who can at least help me figure out how to eat, so if I want to go I have to pay $75 for the consultation and then $50 for every follow up appointment and I just do not have that kind of money with my fiance's new job paying less and having to cover all of these medical expenses for my pets(bcs we just had to deal with a serious infection my cat had and that shit was not cheap lemme tell you) but like I NEED to go see this doctor

idk man sure makes me want to curl up and fucking die

(also I've tried to go to a new neurologist but every doctor that could refer me to one has told me that's basically impossible and refused to help so yeah guess I'll just go die then)

[with-love-from-hell]

Worth it.

{ft. Beelzebub}

Part 1 of the Body Image Series

Cw: eating disorders, restricting diet, bullying via use of derogatory terms toward weight, food mentions, poor body image, negative self-talk, talks of weight/appearance in general.

How do the brothers interact with an MC who has disordered eating habits: how they find out, what do they do, what their approach is, do they even understand what is happening, and how they comfort MC.

Genre: comfort, some fluff, some angst

Written for a GN!MC

WC: ~ 3k

Author note: As someone who finds a lot of comfort from OBEY ME! from a self-esteem perspective, something that I have been longing for in fan fics is the acknowledgement of mental health problems that humans go through. Eating Disorders in particular is a topic that is really important me as a former student of psychology and someone who continues to battle with their own disordered eating and body image issues. By no means am I writing this fic to invalidate your experience or tell you how to heal. Rather, my point in writing this fic is this:

You matter. You have worth beyond your appearance. And you deserve to be happy.

Part of starting this blog was to create fics I couldn't find for me to bring my own self to inner peace, and in turn help someone else who is battling similar issues find hope in the fact that they are not alone.

This took me a while to write though, so it may take awhile to complete fully. 

>>>Though I do have a masters degree in Psychology and clinical training in Eating Disorder Treatment, I am not your therapist, nor is this fic intended to take the place of professional help. If you are struggling with disordered eating, please seek support from a professional. Utilize the NEDA helpline via online chat, phone call, or text.<<<

Beelzebub.....Mammon.....Asmodeus.....Satan.....Leviathan.....Belphegor.....Lucifer

The night is cool.

A soft breeze passes through your room from your open window, kissing your mostly-exposed skin. You're in your underwear, sitting in front of your full length mirror that hangs behind the bedroom door. Usually you keep it covered with a blanket, but the stress of the week has made you cave into the irresistible urge to look at your reflection and critique what you see. The week started out great- you'd felt like you finally started to adjust to life in a place where the sun doesn't shine. That is, until yesterday.

You were getting ready to go home from RAD for the day, eagerly chatting with Beelzebub and Belphegor about your evening Yoga session and weekend plans. You noticed a group of demons approaching- one of which you recognized from Beel's Fangol team. The group asked if they could join the yoga session, stating that they could use some exercises in building core strength. Beelzebub turned to you; a brief look of uncertainty crossed his eyes.

"Is it okay if they join us?" He asked, pointedly.

You hesitated. You still weren't sure how much you trusted other demons other than the brothers and Diavolo...and allowing strangers into the House of Lamentation was definitely a risk. You knew Beel and his brothers would never let any harm befall you- not after everything you’ve been through. After all, you wanted to make more friends...and you always enjoyed seeing Beel happy!

“Y-yeah!” You give a half-forced smile as you play with the sleeve on your jacket. “ The more the merrier!”

Beelzebub gave you a soft smile before letting the other 4 demons know to arrive at the HOL grounds around 4pm. And with that, you made your way back home.

After gaining Lucifer's permission to have the guests over (with close supervision of course), you assist Beel in setting out the mats in the common room. As the 4 demons arrived, you took your place on the mat between Beel and Belphie, facing the the four demons. Beel began leading everyone through the exercises like he usually does when it’s just the three of you. Most of the poses were basic, and you enjoyed the relief each pose brought to you. 

After awhile, the other four demons began protesting the simplicity of the exercises- expressing how bored they were and asking Beelzebub to up the difficulty. Without thinking about your limited human strength in comparison, he changed increased the difficulty of the poses. You were just barely able to complete each one, but you managed with sore muscles and strained breathing. That is, up until you got to the Scorpion pose. 

You tried endlessly to fit the pose and hold it, but you were not able to sustain it for more than a second before collapsing in a fit of pants and groans. Looking around, you noticed the demons were snickering at you. All held their pose with minimal effort, and were clearly mocking your lack of ability to do so. With this realization, your heart sank and a frown crossed your lips. 

You turned to Beel, who was too focused in his own pose to even realize what was happening. One glance at Belphegor told you he had fallen asleep on the mat long ago. Not wanting to disturb Beel’s concentration, you sat quietly on your mat with your legs pulled to your chest for the remainder of the pose, until the next one- which was even more difficult than the last. You felt yourself growing annoyed at yourself, when you couldn't even lift your other hand off the ground to imitate the Wounded Peacock. One attempt at lifting your supporting arm had you yelping in pain as you toppled over. You gripped your wrist in your other hand and felt the ache of a potential sprain set in. Your face flushed with defeat at the realization that you weren’t strong enough to do the pose like the others. 

Beel rushed to your side, gently looking over your wrist. Belphie was aroused from his slumber after hearing you yelp, and moved to quickly to get some ice with Beelzebub’s direction. You were so distracted by your own pain that you almost didn't hear the roaring laughter from the other demons.

"Wow, what a graceful display." One of the demons rasped out between his fits of laughter. "I knew humans weren't the most graceful bunch, but wow."

"Yeah, they’re about as graceful as a beached whale." cackled another. They all erupted in a fit of laughs and agreements with the comments made about your physique. 

The last comment made you flinch. Did you...did you really look like that? You were suddenly hyper-aware of how your leggings hugged your curves a little too tightly with how you were sitting. As if instinctually, you position your arms to cover your stomach and look away.

Noticing the hurt in your eyes, Beel turned to the 4 demons who were still laughing at their cruel attempt at a “joke.” He stood up, towering over them. a dull blue aura radiated from his body as he glared.

“Leave.” He hissed, contempt dripping from his words. “Now.” 

Taking this as a warning, they scrambled out the door after mumbling goodbyes to you and Belphegor. Before Beel could turn his attention back to you, you were gone. Belphie shared a concerned look with Beel. You didn’t even take the ice for your wounded wrist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You skipped dinner that night...and breakfast the next morning...and lunch. All the while practicing the poses that the others mocked you for in your mirror. You grew more and more frustrated at yourself the more you tried and failed to do the advanced poses. Pausing every now and then to quietly sob. Your heart pounded out of your chest and your thoughts raced: they're right. You're not graceful at all. You're not able to balance yourself with all that weight. Just look at you- You do look like a whale. They were right.

Your phone buzzed with yet another text from one of the brothers. Upon checking, you realized you also had 3 missed calls from Lucifer. You sigh deeply and check the text messages. Most of them were from Beelzebub.

8:04am: “Lucifer tried calling you for breakfast but you didn’t answer. do you want me to save you a plate?”

11:10am: “Are you okay? How’s your wrist doing?”

12:54pm: “Did you eat lunch?? I can bring you back something from Hell’s Kitchen if you want..?”

2:24pm: “Are we still on for game night with Levi and Belphie tonight?”

2:32pm: “I told Levi that we should play one of those cart racing games you really like.”

2:35pm: “I hope that’s ok.” 

2:58pm: "Belphie is really excited."

4:01pm: "are you coming down for dinner tonight?"

4:40pm: “...Mc?”

You threw your phone on your bed without replying to the messages, and turned your attention back to the mirror. Poking, pinching, and prodding at the weight on your hips and stomach- cursing your body’s proportions. You observed the slight hues of bruises beginning to form on your delicate skin from where you had slammed against your dresser numerous times after topping over. You were so lost in thought that you barely heard Beelzebub's gentle knock at your door.

"Mc..? Lucifer sent me up to get you. Dinner's ready."

What? Dinner wasn’t usually served until 6. How long had you been sitting there critiquing your appearance? An hour? Maybe two?

"I'm not hungry, Beel."

"What? But...you haven't eaten since yesterday. Are...are you feeling okay?"

You sighed. You knew that Beel would force you to dinner one way or the other. Telling the Avatar of Gluttony that you just weren’t hungry wasn’t going to work- especially with the painful growling in your stomach increasing in volume by the minute. You were sure he could hear it over a mile away.  Besides...you'd hate to worry him.

"Erm...yeah...I-I'm fine. Tell Lucifer I’ll be right down."

You hurriedly threw on a pair of leggings and immediately cringed as you saw your reflection. You turned and dug through your closet. You needed to find something that could cover your body better. Your hands paused on the comfort hoodie that Beel had loaned to you. Because he was so muscular, you practically drown in the fabric. Perfect. A sigh of relief passed your lips, as you turned to your reflection once more. You could no longer make out the outline of your body. You opened the door and found Beel had already moved on, probably returning to his seat at the table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you entered the dining room, you were met with a feast of all your favorites: charred newt belly, sweet and sour kraken, roast shadow hog, hellfire white fish, and more. All 7 Brothers snapped their attention toward you as you entered, instantly causing your heart to beat faster. The most concerned look came from Beelzebub. You knew you were fatigued from the excess exercise and lack of food in your belly (and it probably showed), but you have pushed through hunger before. This was easy.

You took your place across the table from Beel, between Mammon and Levi. The air thickened with discomfort and filled the room. It was almost like a grand piano was held up above you head by only a string- waiting to be cut by the first words to break the silence...Which unfortunately came all too soon.

"What has been keeping you so busy that you haven't had time for a meal?" Lucifer inquired as he locked eyes with you. His tone was unusual- typically he would sound more irritated at being kept waiting to start a meal, but now his voice voice reaked of concern. You had no doubt in your mind that- with his room being across the hall from yours- he could hear all your failed attempts at posing over and over for the past 24 hours.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and avoided his intimidating gaze. "I just...haven't been feeling well."

Lucifer furrowed his brow, and let out a worried "hmm." He rose from his spot on the table, removing his gloves. as he moved toward you. You flinched as he pressed the back of his now bare hand against your forehead.

"You don't seem to have a fever..." His crimson eyes bore holes into the side of your head as you refused to meet his gaze- not wanting him to catch you in your obvious lie. "...though you do look pale."

"We...we made some food that would be more fitting for a sensitive human's stomach." Beel muttered softly, breaking the tension between you and Lucifer. He held up a bowl of something. It looked almost like...soup? Perhaps chicken broth?

Your thoughts on the content of the bowl were interrupted by Lucifer's voice. "Perhaps if you're still feeling ill, you should be served from your room so you can rest comfortably." He held out his palm. "Do you need help-?"

"No!" You blurted out. Lucifer raised an eyebrow at you. You immediatrly realize your sudden increase in volume and interuption of Lucifer's thought was very suspicious. You fidget with the sleeves of the sweater, while the other 6 brothers stared at you in shock. Softly, you repeated yourself: "No...I'm alright. I just n-need to get some rest."

You hurrird to your room, ignoring Lucifer's objection to you going on your own. collapsing face down on your bed, you cursed yourself for raising so much suspicion.

"They shouldn't be so worried about me just because I missed a few meals," you thought. "Maybe they'll all be impressed when they realize how good you look after a few more days...and-"

The creak of someone entering your room interrupted your thoughts. The light from the hall illuminated the room, and only now did you realize you didn't turn on your light your panic. You tensed as you heard Beel's soft voice.

"Mc...it's me." You heard his foot falls grow closer as he approached your bed. He placed the bowl from earlier on your night stand. "You...ah- forgot your soup."

You turned to face him. "Oh..."

Beel shifted his weight as he avoided your eyes. His face was painted with worry, drastically different from his normal stoic expression. Neither of you spoke for awhile. Until you couldn't take the awkward silence anymore.

"Thanks for the soup, Beel, but- I'm probably just going to go to sleep." Beelzebub snapped his gaze up to meet yours as you spoke, his worried expression slowly churning into one of terror. This reaction made your hair on your arms stand up. "Like Lucifer said, I need my rest."

"Mc..." Beel hesitated, biting his lip. He looked like he was mulling over what to say.

"Its fine, Beel." You tried to fake a smile. "I'll be ok."

The demon sighed deeply and sat down on the edge of your bed. He ran a hand through his ginger hair and stole a glance at you before returning his gaze to his feet.

"Listen, Mc. I dont know whats going on with you, but I'm...worried. I know humans aren't supposed to go this long without eating. You haven't given any other signs that you're sick and I..." he paused. You held your breath as he collected his thoughts. "Are you doing this on purpose?"

You stiffened, clearly taken aback by his question. You sat yourself up and clenched your jaw. "W-what are you talking about?"

He cleared his throat, nervously playing with his fingers. "I notice you do this sometimes. Like, there will be a couple days where you just...don't eat. You pretend everything is fine, but when someone asks you about it, you just say you're not hungry, or that you're sick." He met your eyes, searching for a reaction. "So I had Satan and Lucifer research some stuff about it."

You felt your heart start to beat faster. "Research on what?"

Your tone must have been a little more terse, because Beel's gaze quickly dropped down to the floor again and he stumbled over his next few words. "O-on humans with...e-eating problems."

You froze. How do you even respond to this?

Beel continued despite noticing your newly formed anxiety. "They said that humans sometimes don't eat on purpose because they're unhappy with how they look, or how they feel in their bodies. Lucifer said that it can be really dangerous if they go too long without food- like, it can mess up their skin and organs and stuff."

You remained silent, and Beel met your gaze once more. You saw tears form in the corners of his eyes. "I...I just dont want to lose you again."

His final words rang through your head like the bells of Notre Dame. You knew that starving yourself could kill you, but you were a far cry from that point, weren't you? It was only a couple days at a time...it couldn't be that bad...could it?

But it wounded you to hear your precious Beelie so concerned, so...hurt by the thought of you purposefully hurting yourself because you didn't love yourself like he did.

"B-Beel" you sputtered. When had you started crying? "I..."

You felt a wave of tears rush over you. A sharp wail escaped your vocal cords and you threw your head into your hands. Beel moved to embrace you gently. It seemed as if he was being extra careful not to squeeze too tight, for fear that he may break your frail form in his grip.

You cried together. It felt cathartic releasing all of the emotions you had taken out on yourself for so long.

When you finally were able to speak with some control, you told Beelzebub about your habits: how sometimes you limit what you eat when you don't like how you look, or when someone says something about your body that reminds you its not perfect, and how you tend to over exert yourself with exercise in order to lose weight. You told him that you didn't do it all the time- which was true! Its just...sometimes certain things would trigger those feelings, and the only way to rid yourself of the burden weighed on you was to compensate...to stop eating.

He nodded along, clearly not understanding why you would want to do this to yourself. Once you finished speaking, he breathed in deeply. He silently cursed himself for not bringing this up with you sooner...for gritting his teeth through your suffering...for not being able protect you from yourself.

"What can I do to stop you from doing this to yourself?" Beelzebub asked, his eyes searching yours desperately.

"I'm not sure." You sighed. "I saw a therapist for it in the human world before I was pulled here. It helped a little...but we didn't get all that far."

Beel tightened his fists in determination. "I can see if Lucifer can make something like that happen for you here. But Is there anything I can do?"

You pondered his question. You weren't even sure what would be helpful at this point.

Beel spoke again once he realized your silence was indicating uncertainty. "Satan read that making sure you eat is important, but that we shouldn't force you to- and he said that it can help if you eat stuff you like."

So thats why they made that feast for you.

"Lucifer said that he also read that having nice things you can say about yourself can help too, but I know that may be hard for you if you're doing...this."

"Yeah, it is." You pulled your knees to your chest. "But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try."

At your words, Beelzebub's eyes light up. "You'll try it?"

Your eyes locked. He was desperate for confirmation that you'd at least do that. "Yeah. I will." You didn't say it, but trying to heal yourself was more for him than it was for you right now. Even though you didn't care about yourself, you didn't want to hurt him any more. "But...I may need some help giving myself those types of reminders."

Beel let out a sigh of relief- as if he had been holding his breath for hours. He pulled you into another embrace and spoke softly. "I am really glad to hear you'll try. Anything I can do I'll do it for you. You mean a lot to me. And I...I just want you to be happy."

His words made your heart flutter. He cared for you so much- as did all of his brothers. Why else would they have responded in the way they did? You were loved at the House of Lamentation. You were loved by the brothers. You were loved by Beel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next few months were spent mostly attached to Beelzebub's hip as you worked on your self-esteem. Beel would sit you down at the end of every day and tell you all the things he liked about you, and he would have you do the same for yourself. At first it was hard, and a little awkward for both of you...but over time, it almost became a game of who could say more good things about you.

Lucifer connected with Diavolo and was able to swing things to get you a therapist from the human world who specialized in Eating Disorders. He made a trip with you and Beelzebub to the human world twice per month to attend the appointments. Lucifer also assisted you in getting started with an online support group related to body image, and frequently checked in with you about any support he could provide. He was shockingly one of your biggest cheerleaders- besides Beel of course.

Beel became your #1 fan. Whenever he noticed your views of yourself slipping, he would be right by your side to build you up. You continued your yoga sessions, but he was careful to not make the poses too intense. Beel reminded you often that your worth wasn't determined by whether or not you could do a certain pose, or if you looked perfect while doing them.

And while you do have times where its hard to eat- you are motivated by the vision of the orange-haired demon, giving you words of support and encouragement. And you are able to remind yourself of the most important lesson from this experience:

While you started your healing for Beel because you couldn't want it for yourself, you've started to see your worth as more than just your weight, appearance, and ability. He saw you were worth more than that.

And finally, you believe him.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Late Night Talks

Summary: After a long hunt, the reader and Dean grab a late dinner on the road. Dean notices the reader not eating much and calls her out on her recent eating habits when he gets concerned about the road she’s on...

Pairing: Dean x reader

Square: Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 1,900ish

Warnings: language, discussion of disordered eating & eating disorders, fluff

A/N: Written for @supernatural-jackles​ Tell Me A Story Bingo! 

______

“I read this article earlier,” said Dean as he popped a french fry into his mouth. You were about five hours from home, eating a midnight dinner at some tiny little diner on the side of the road after a successful but exhausting ghoul hunt.

“Mhm,” you hummed, picking at a brussel sprout on your plate. 

“It was on disordered eating,” he said, picking up a piece of bacon that’d fallen onto his plate and eating it.

“You mean eating disorders,” you said, stabbing into the sprout and eating it before you went back to your dicing up your chicken tenderloin.

“No this was something different. It’s like, how some people shift into having an eating disorder, like pre disorder I guess.”

“So...was there something interesting in this article?” you asked, picking up a piece of chicken and taking a bite.

“Actually yeah,” he said. You chewed and took a few bites before he set the burger down and wiped off his hands. “It was about how there’s dangers involved with disordered eating since it could turn into something all consuming, like a full on eating disorder.”

“Well that sounds kinda obvious,” you said. 

“Well it was about how stuff like skipping meals, limiting your calories too much, saying some foods are good and others are bad, that stuff over time can really start to mess with your head and lead to that compulsion of being obsessed with food and weight.”

“Isn’t that just common sense,” you said. He hummed and you ate another piece of chicken before pushing the plate away. “I don’t know about you but I’m full.”

“Yeah, it is common sense,” he said. You raised an eyebrow and he pulled out his phone, tapping on it for a moment before spinning it around, showing you a number.

“Are you tracking my fucking calories?” you said.

“Oh geez, Y/N. Maybe cause you hit every red flag in that article I read and I got concerned. There’s no humanly possible way you’re full when you’ve eaten a whopping 800 calories today. You’re starving yourself.”

“I’m not hungry today, weirdo,” you said. 

“You were slow on that hunt and we both know why. You’ve been doing this for weeks really extremely and honestly, since I’ve met you.”

“I’m on a diet. You know that.”

“You’re on the ‘I’m fucking up my metabolism’ diet. Ah, that one’s a classic,” he said.

“Back off. I am not hungry lately is all.”

“Eat this,” he said, sliding his plate in front of you. He took your plate and started eating, staring at you. “Eat the burger.”

“I said-”

“Take one bite.”

“I’m not hungry,” you growled.

“Then take a bite and spit it out.” You picked up the burger, covered in cheese, bacon, peppers and a sauce that smelled so good. You swallowed and put it down, Dean shaking his head.

“Dean. I’m just not hungry.”

“Why won’t you take a bite?” he asked. You sighed and closed your eyes. “Y/N.”

“Because I’ll want to eat the whole thing and this has to be a thousand calories and I can’t eat that much, Dean. I’m on a diet.”

“Today I’ve seen you have three cups of coffee, a banana, and half of a small piece of chicken and a few brussel sprouts. You need to eat.”

“I need to lose weight.”

“For what?”

“I’m overweight.”

“Because a little stupid calculator online said so? So another stupid little calculator tells you how much food you’re allowed a day? But maybe you’re having a bad day so you tell yourself you don’t deserve to have even all of that already restricted food? So you make it even smaller to the point of, hm, what’s that word, disordered eating?”

You stared down at your lap and heard him get up, sliding into the booth beside you. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders and you looked out the window.

“I do need to lose weight Dean. It’s true. I’m not supposed to be this big.”

“What are you supposed to be then?”

“Like that waitress. She’s small and thin. She’s healthy.”

“I see,” he said. She was working behind the counter, no one else in the place aside from a man at the other end and the cook. “Excuse me miss?”

She popped her head up and walked over with a tired smile.

“Can we get another bacon cheeseburger? And a big bowl of that ice cream sundae?” he asked.

“You got it,” she said, writing it down.

“One more thing,” said Dean. “Do you like the way you look?”

“Excuse me?” she said.

“Dean, shut up,” you said. “Please ignore him.”

“I mean, are you happy with your body? Do you eat whatever you want, wear whatever you want, never worry a second about what goes in it or how it looks? You’re a beautiful woman but what do you actually think of yourself?”

She was quiet for a few moments before she noticed the swapped plates in front of you.

“You know when you first asked that, I thought, you were being creepy. I get creepy guys in here a lot late at night. The cook is a big guy but it happens. I know I’m small. I wish I was stronger. I wish I looked like she does. I’m something that looks like they’d snap in the wind. She’s strong and has an ass and curves. She’s not a rectangle with no curves or chest. She doesn’t look like a guy. I wish I wasn’t so delicate but I don’t think I can change that much.”

“Probably not so much,” said Dean. “But I hear weight training is good for muscle building. Creeps are always creeps but might help to be able to deck ‘em.”

“Yeah. I’ll go put that order in for you guys,” she said with a smile. Dean turned his head back to you after she went through the double doors.

“Funny. You want her body. She wants yours,” he said. 

“She doesn’t know I’m overweight.”

“She doesn’t know how damn strong you are. Her body? She was right. She is delicate and it’d be a safe idea for her to put on some muscle given her job. You though? You I’ll worry to death over no matter what. But you’re missing the most glaring thing of all.”

“What?”

“You just said she doesn’t know you’re overweight. She doesn’t know how much you weigh. If she doesn’t know how does anyone know? Why does a number on a scale matter? Health does, don’t get me wrong, but care more about what your body can do than what size pants you fit in. It’s all bullshit anyways. You can be a small one place or a triple XL somewhere else. You can have a normal chest but be told it’s too big or too small by a different brand. I just don’t want to see you going down a path towards something worse where you’re hurting yourself.”

“I’d never hurt myself, Dean.”

“If your body is hungry and you don’t feed it, you’re hurting it. I’m talking about you’re cold, you’re starving, you have no energy, you feel like crap. But you won’t eat, not until it gets a little worse because you think you can take it because you’ve taken it before. That’s hurting yourself and you hurt yourself a lot sweetheart.”

You looked down and swallowed, taking a deep breath.

“I’m really cold right now,” you said quietly. “I’m tired of always being so fucking cold.”

“Eat,” he said, tugging his plate closer to you. “I’ll order you some soup too. That’ll warm you up.”

He took off his jacket and wrapped it over your shoulders. He kissed your cheek and you squeezed your eyes shut.

“I’ve been like this for years, Dean. I don’t know how people eat normally anymore.”

“I know. You probably fucked up your metabolism but we can unfuck it up too. You can be healthy but this, this isn’t healthy. I’ll do it with you but you gotta promise me you won’t starve yourself anymore.”

“I’ll try,” you said.

“I’ll take trying to start with,” he said. “I’m gonna order that soup. Eat up for me sweetheart. You’ll feel better soon. I promise.”

One Month Later

“Y/N!” shouted Dean from the kitchen as you walked past. “You eat lunch yet?”

“No,” you said. 

“Are you hungry?”

“A little. I was waiting for you to get done with Baby,” you said.

“What’d you eat so far?” he asked.

“I had a cup of coffee and a protein bar and for lunch I’m having one of those greek wraps I like,” you said. “Satisfied?”

“I’d prefer if you had two wraps or a wrap and snack with it,” he said. You grumbled and he sighed. “Y/N. You said I could take the lead on this.”

“I’m gaining weight,” you said.

“Yeah cause you aren’t eating what a toddler does in a day anymore which is perfectly healthy for a grown woman. I know it’s only been a month but you have so much more energy, you sleep better, you have less nightmares. Your skin looks amazing. So gain a few pounds, gain more than a few, let’s fix your metabolism and then we’ll start working out a little and we’re not gonna give a fuck how much we weigh at all and we’re gonna be the hottest fucking couple in this neighborhood I swear.”

“I like not feeling cold anymore,” you said with a small smile, Dean walking over and rubbing your arms. “It’s just...hard sometimes to not...wait to eat until your stomach hurts from no food. I’m figuring out what being hungry is again.”

“It’s gonna take some time but your body will learn again. We just gotta be extra nice to it right now while it recovers,” he said. “And then we’ll always be nice to it, right?”

“Yeah,” you said. “I promise.”

“So, one wrap or two?” he asked, opening the fridge.

“One. I’ll save the other for tomorrow. But maybe I’ll have some pita chips and hummus with it?” you asked.

“That sounds yummy,” he said. “I think I’ll have that myself.”

“You don’t have to eat my diet Dean,” you said.

“I could do with being nicer to my own body myself,” he said. “After lunch do you want to go for a walk? I have a sneaking suspicion the couple three blocks over are a pair of vamps.”

“That’s the guy with the skin condition, babe,” you said.

“Are you sure cause he got like a weird rash that one time.”

“It’s a condition,” you said with a smile. “But I would love to go for a walk with you while the day is still nice.”

“Sounds like a plan sweetheart,” he said, starting to take food out of the fridge. You walked over and gave him a hug from behind. 

“Thanks for saying something. Even if I tried pretending I was fine.”

“You’d do the same for me,” he said. “Come on, cutie. Let’s get some grub. I’m starving.”

________

[planetdemon]

I just wanted to be a swan

pairing: bang chan x reader

genre: angst, fluff, but mostly angst

warnings: low self-esteem, body hate/dislike, eating disorders, swearing, food, insecurities, arguing DONT READ IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH IT!

wc: 2.003

note: so this scenario has been going through my head for quite a while now, and I tried writing it by myself lol. Hope it's good ;) I've also sent a request to @channienet about the same topic, so make sure to check her interpretation out as well! enjoy!

summary: Due to Chan's heavy working schedule, spending time alone was a thing you couldn't quite befriend with, especially after you've noticed some changes you have gone through. There is a to change it, but it isn't quite... let's say healthy. How will Chan react, after he finds out? Will he even care? (dude I'm shit at writing summary lol)

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Taking a bath was normally something that should be considered relaxing or calming. You've always enjoyed letting the hot water surround your body whilst taking all the dirt and negativity off that you have collected during stressful days at work.

But lately, taking a bath wasn't as enjoyable anymore as it once was. Chris has been working a lot lately, due to the kingdom stage and their nearing comeback. He has been spending more and more time at the company, working on producing new tracks for him and the kids, often staying at the dorms because they were closer to the studio than the apartment you shared. So you were left alone, by yourself.

Even though you wished he would be by your side while you were falling asleep, you couldn't be mad at him. You knew what his work meant to that boy and you would never tell him to stop doing what he loves just so you could spend some time together.

But being alone also meant that you had to kill the boredom somehow and, thanks to Felix's Brownie and Cookie recipes, you had the perfect thing to do in the meantime. Baking and eating delicious desserts.

You were just stepping out of the bathtub, grabbing the towel you had prepared, and drying yourself with it. Once your body was half-dried, you turned around to hang the towel back at the hanger, so it could dry properly.

And at that moment, you knew, you've fucked up. You couldn't avoid looking at your wet, naked body in the hot, steamy mirror near the hangers.

You always hated looking at it, but thanks to the sweets you had been eating lately, looking at yourself only made you feel sicker than it ever did.

You couldn't tear your gaze off the excess of flesh around your tummy and thighs and the stretch marks, that decored your boobs only seemed to scream "Look at me!". You slowly turned around and saw the tiger stripes creeping up your bum and the undersides of your arms.

'Fucking disgusting', that little voice in your head sneered.

'How could I let this come this far?', you thought. At this point, you were somehow happy Chris wasn't here, knowing he would be disgusted with how you've changed.

You've always felt a bit insecure by his side, knowing you could catch up with neither his attractiveness nor his muscular godlike body. But seeing yourself like this destroyed every little self-esteem you had left in your cells.

-

It has been nearly two months since 'the incident' in the bathroom and you couldn't shake that feeling of disgusts off. Not even for one second.

You only wanted to try a one-week detox diet that was blowing up all over social media, hoping you could lose a little bit of weight, so you would be back to normal. But seeing the numbers on the scale dropping so unbelievably quickly only made you realize that you could look even better than you thought you could.

You kept on following the diet and restricting everything that wasn't included, not noticing that restricting also damaged your mind.

One time, Han and Felix asked you if you wanted to have lunch with them and the others, but fear crept up you back as soon as you thought about the food they would have ordered, knowing that you would only gain weight again if you didn't follow the rules.

So you stayed home, keeping yourself isolated from your friends and most importantly, Chan.

You were lying on my bed, scrolling through Tumblr when Chris' Caller ID showed up and your phone started to ring. You sighed lowly, not wanting to talk to him.

Over the past few months, you stopped showing up at the studio, being afraid the boys would notice the changes your body went through, thanks to the diet. You were happy about it, knowing that you were losing weight, but you haven't reached my goal. You were afraid, they would judge you the way you did when you looked at yourself.

"Chris?"

"y/n? Han just told me that you weren't coming over. Are you okay? Y-" Chris's muffled voice appeared and you felt instant regret deep in your guts, knowing how much fun you guys had when you spent time together back in the days.

"Yeah, I'm okay Channie, don't worry. I just feel a little sleepy. I'll come next time. Promise" You tried your best to sound optimistic or at least not too sad, hoping Chris would believe your lie. "Okay," he mumbled, "I love you, baby girl".

-

You knew you were in big troubled the second Chris opened the fridge, seeing no food in there.

He randomly decided to stay over the weekend, saying that he missed you. You weren't ready for this, knowing that you couldn't hide the signs of the 'passion' you had developed in time.

"Why is there no food?" You fumbled with the arms of Chris sweater you were wearing while looking at the ground. "I've forgotten to go grocery shopping" You answered.

"But there is nothing in there, y/n. Nothing" He walked over and took hold of your cold hands while looking you straight in the eyes.

"Why is there no food?" Chris asked again.

"I just told you I forgot to go grocery shopping, Chan. Relax" You snapped back, getting anxious about the fact that he could notice something.

You were nearing your goal, even though you knew that you could never be satisfied with how you looked. He couldn't just come over and ruin all the progress you've made after being not here for so long. He doesn't have the right to do this.

"Don't fuck around, y/n. You always have at least some butter in your house. Where is the butter? Where is Ramen? You must have some food here!"

Your body started to shake as you heard his voice rise, keeping your gaze low, not daring to look him in the eyes right now. He was right.

You always had something at home, so you could quickly cook something when you were hungry. But you didn't saw a point in keeping food at home if you wouldn't eat it anyway. It would just rot.

"Y/n look at me" he whispered, after realizing that you were trembling. Chris gently grabbed your chin to make you look up at him. You were expecting to see anger, but the only thing you saw in his brown orbs was sadness.

You started to tear up after you noticed it, knowing that he put one and one together. You missing out on lunch with the boys, you not showing up at the studio to bring him food and spend with him there, listening to his tracks, you not having any food at home. It was obvious, but you still hoped he wouldn't notice.

Chris slowly took you in his arms, noticing how your figure felt smaller and bonier than before. It made him sick, knowing what you did to yourself. 'Why would my girl do something like this?' he thought 'how could my little princess torture herself this much?' But he couldn't find a 'because'.

In his eyes, you were the best thing that happened to him. You were the prettiest girl on earth. Warm tears were running down his pale cheeks, dropping to the floor.

He couldn't stop blaming himself for what you did. Maybe if he would have been there, he could have stopped you. Maybe if-

"Channie?" You quietly asked, looking up at his tear-stained cheeks. "Channie why are you crying? We can go to the store and grab something if you want. You don't-"

"Why have you been doing this to yourself, y/n?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why haven't you been eating"

Well, shit.

"What are you talking about, Channie?"

"Don't fucking lie to me, it's too obvious for you to do so. Why haven't you been eating?"

"I... I, I'm pressured Chan" You answered, knowing that he wouldn't believe you if you would tell him otherwise. Telling him the truth was the only option at this point, even though you didn't want to.

"Pressured?"

"Yes"

"Princess, I don't understand what you mean by that"

You shook your head and let go of him, before walking over to the couch and sitting down with a low sigh. "Maybe you shouldn't understand," I said.

"Jesus, y/n" I heard him mutter under his breath. He walked over and sat on the floor, in front of you, looking at you with a scared expression.

"Please tell me what's in that pretty little head of yours. I can see that you have lost weight, but I don't understand why. I mean, you are the prettiest human I have ever seen in my whole life, why would you do something like that?"

"Why do you even care? It's not like you here anyway" you simply said, grabbing your phone, trying to ignore him.

After he noticed your intentions, he quickly took your phone out of your hands, placing it on the coffee table behind him.

"Hey! Give me my phone back, you dump a-"

"Fucking stop it, y/n. Stop ignoring me. I care for you because I love you! You are my everything and I know I haven't been home lately, but at least I tried making time for you and inviting you to the studio", he said, "but you never came! Don't act like it's only my fault we haven't seen each other."

You looked at him with wide eyes, shaking your head. He was right, it was also your fault. And you hated the fact that he was right. "I-"

"Please y/n, please stop turning away from me and closing up. I-I know it's not easy to open up, but I'm here for you. I'll always be."

"Well, I... I couldn't, no, I can't feel happy when I look like this, Channie. I mean, look at you, look at your perfect body and your perfect personality and your perfect everything! I don't fit in. I don't fit in, because I am the ugly duck surrounded by beautiful swans. I just... wanted to be a beautiful swan, Channie."

That's it. You've made it. You've told him what was going through your mind all the time.

He slowly pulled you off the couch, into his lap. He could feel your seat humps against his thighs, how bony and strong they were. Chris shook his head in disbelieve, another wave of sadness crushing over him.

"You are perfect, baby girl. You are perfect in every single way. You always were the most beautiful swan I have ever seen in my entire life. I love everything about you, y/n. I love how your thighs wiggle whenever you run towards me when we meet, I love how curves look in that dress I brought you a year ago, I love how your stretch marks are decorating your body like silverish paint. I don't want you to change for me, because you are perfect the way you are. Jesus, even Hyunjin said you are even prettier than himself, and that means a lot. Please don't hurt yourself like this, princess. You are destroying yourself"

He took hold of your hands and kissed your palm.

"I promise I'll stop working so much, so I can spend more time with my beautiful girlfriend, but please... stop hurting yourself" he whispered, searching for any signs of discomfort in your eyes. But you just set in his lap and listened to him.

"Hyunjin thinks I'm prettier than him?" you asked awkwardly.

Chris chuckled and nodded "Is this the only thing that got stuck in your pretty little head?" He asked.

You smiled a bit, leaning your forehead against his while closing your eyes. "I'll try to get better, Chris" you whispered.

It wouldn't be an easy journey going back to 'normal. Once the hole is there, digging is difficult. But it is possible, especially if someones helping you.

[rawbins-undertale-blog]

This is a slight TW question, so feel no obligation to answer:

How would horrortale Sans react to an S/O with an eating disorder?

TW for eating disorder(s) (nearly only ARFID is spoken about, anorexia is mentioned)

If I missed any tags you think I should've included, please tell me.

This may sound a bit strange, but I’ve actually been wanting to write something for this, specifically because I suffer from an eating disorder. I’m not comfortable writing anything with an eating disorder (or any disorder in general) I personally don’t have, mostly because I don’t have the time to give it the proper research it deserves, so I’ll be writing about a lesser known eating disorder, that being ARFID. Let me explain it so people who don’t know what it is will, uh, know what it is lol

ARFID - also commonly called “Selective Eating Disorder” - stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. A lot of people with it are characterised as being “picky eaters”, but it goes to a point where it’s seriously unhealthy and crosses a line that makes it into something more serious. It has to do with sensory processing issues, rather than self-image issues (though self-image issues could also play a part in it I'm pretty sure, but it’s not the main “motivation”). Most people with ARFID actually wish they could go up in weight, but can’t because they can’t make themselves eat. I, for one, desperately wish I could just eat like a normal person, both because it’s very… not convenient to only have around 20 or less meals I can eat (and that list is slimming down as I grow tired of my safe foods*) and also I’m skinny enough to match Papyrus in looks, which isn’t very confidence-inspiring when you’re supposed to be a human and not a sentient magical skeleton, believe it or not. Whereas a person without ARFID could eat most things, including things they don’t really enjoy eating, somebody with ARFID might not be physically able to. For example, I literally throw up food that I don’t like (and I’ve gagged while eating food I do like due to seeing somebody eat something I don’t like and/or just smelling other food nearby). When I'm to try a new food, I have on more than one occasion gotten anxiety attacks. That’s how bad it can be.

*a "safe food" is food you know you can eat without panicking/throwing up/getting triggered in one way or another

I’ll be basing these HCs off of myself, so keep that in mind. You’re free to point out misinformation (and I, in fact, encourage you to point it out if I somehow got something wrong) but I ask that you stay respectful and don’t make fun of this. I doubt it would happen, but this topic means a lot to me and is really serious. So yeah please don’t be rude or invalidate people. Anyways onto the headcanons (which aren’t in the usual format, sorry if that bothers you)

Dusk (HT Sans) wouldn’t really understand. He’s able to eat pretty much anything (not like he had much of a choice for a while) and food is important… But he’ll try to understand. Especially because he can accommodate you. He’ll be fine eating the same meals, however “boring” they are, over and over because like I said: not a picky eater. Any food is good in his book. So long as you’re not restricting him and his food intake and so long as you aren’t dying from starvation and/or malnutrition, you’re free to do whatever.

It does annoy him when you go to social gatherings and you can’t eat the food because it’s not one of your safe foods. He’s not going to let you just starve yourself when there’s perfectly fine food just waiting for you. Not gonna lie, he’s pretty insensitive the first time this happens. Basically, he’ll pull you over when he notices you’re not eating anything and try to convince you to eat. Starts out really gentle and encouraging, but when you don’t budge he becomes increasingly agitated and insistent until he hisses that you’re making a fuss over nothing. Needless to say, you aren’t thrilled and it starts a pretty serious argument that probably ends with you either leaving, starting to cry or blowing up at him. He feels bad when it’s all said and done and apologises, because he realises after some thought that he wasn’t being helpful and he decided to do more research again. Even if he forgot it all like he did the first time he tried researching ARFID, it would have been worth a shot. After that, he’ll instead pack food with him for you whenever you go somewhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s “socially acceptable”, because like I said, you’re not starving if he’s got something to do with it.

He’ll also, after coming around to realise the best he can do to help you isn’t trying to push you out of your comfort zone forcefully, try to make sure there’s always at least one of your safe foods available. Don’t get me wrong though, he’ll still encourage you to expand on your list of safe foods. He’s got memory issues so he sometimes forgets, which he feels really bad about, but he has multiple alarms set to make sure you eat properly for the most part. (He’s got an alarm for nearly every minute of the day and he has his calendar full of things as mundane as “make sure s/o eats” and “do laundry”, by the way.) I have a tendency to skip lunch because I simply don’t like food, but he’d put a stop to that lol

To summarize, the whole thing with you having an ED starts off with the two of you having a rocky start before Dusk comes around to be really good at handling it.

Anyways sorry if you meant an ED like anorexia. I know most people write about things like that, but like I said: I’m not really up for writing things that I have to pour hours of research into to make sure I portray it respectfully and accurately because I don’t have that time or patience. (Or attention span, tbh.) Also, I literally hadn’t heard of ARFID for like… the majority of my life, I’ve only known it’s a “thing” for like. A few months. I really thought I was the only one who was so picky with my food and it made me feel alone and isolated (ESPECIALLY after I went to a "specialist" (not sure if she was actually a specialist anymore because her technique to get me to eat was to give my a small glass that I'd pour sauce into to try it every time it was served which obviously didn't work lmao) to help me when I was like six and she said she’d “never seen somebody this bad” before not giving me a diagnosis (as far as I know)), so if anybody with undiagnosed ARFID is reading this:

you're not alone. I know it’s difficult to deal with this - it can be humiliating and embarrassing and horrible and terrible in so many ways - but you can do it. It’s so hard, so fucking hard to step out of your comfort zone and try to expand on your list of safe foods, but you can do it. I believe in you. You aren’t alone and you can learn to have a healthier diet, please just try. I’ll be honest in that you’re probably never going to completely overcome this, ARFID is something that likely stays with you forever, but you can make it into a smaller problem. You can turn it into something so much smaller and inconsequential that you won't encounter any more embarrassing situations where you can't eat what you're given. To a point where you won't have to use the excuses "I already ate", "I'm not hungry", etc anymore. It’ll take time and patience, but you can do it. Don’t give up, okay? <3

[winter-soldier-vibes]

What’s going on with you? (Bucky x reader)

What is going on with you?

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count: 2633

Warnings: Purging, restricting, depression, anxiety

Summary: the reader is a part of the avengers, and has an eating disorder. It used to be worse, but whenever she feels like she makes a mistake r gets into an argument, she slips up. Bucky discovers this one day and tries to help her.

A/N: It has BEEN A BIT. I am home for the semester, and therefore have much more time. I should be able to write more, but I don’t want to get overwhelmed. I’ll make a separate post about what happened. Take care of yourselves!

You stood up on shaky legs, leaning against the sink for support. Your heart was still racing and your head was pounding. You flushed the toilet and looked in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes, tear-stained face, and sweat-slicked skin. You looked like you were sunburned and had just had an intense crying session. That or something much more likely.

You looked like you had just been throwing up. Which was the case.

You sighed as you turned on the water, cold. It helped with the redness. You washed your hands first, then cupped them to bring to your face. Ideally, you would shower, but you were too exhausted for that right now. Plus, you had a meeting to get to and this round of purging had taken longer than you had anticipated. Damn pasta nearly choked you on its way back up.

It was methodical. Wash your hands, then your face, make sure your eyes aren’t as bloodshot. Blow your nose 20 times, stick your face in a towel and sigh, take your hair down and make it look more presentable, like when you had come in. finally, when everything is presentable, spray the air freshener and practice your fake smile.

God, you hated this.

You tried to stop. It wasn’t like you enjoyed puking your guts out. But you felt like your say in the matter was long gone.

You either didn’t eat anything or ate and vomited everything. 

Thankfully, no one had picked up on it yet.

You sighed again as you turned off the lights and exited the bathroom. You felt lighter and calmer, although your heart was still racing. Family dinner with the Avengers is always the worst. No excuses to miss, no reasons to not eat, therefore, you just had to take care of it after.

Usually, it wouldn’t have been too bad - you hadn’t eaten anything in days aside from a few apples. But you had fucked up. You were sparring in the gym with Natasha and you kept missing your mark. You were weaker, unable to focus.

God knows why.

Nonetheless, it was a horrible training session and you got your ass beat. Not just normal Natasha-Romanoff-beats-everyone beat, but if-this-was-real-you-would-have-killed-me beat.

Not that that was too undesirable at the moment.

See, usually, you were able to just get away with not eating without trying too hard. But whenever you made a mistake, you felt that urge. You wanted to just eat everything. You don’t know why or where it came from, but you just wanted to eat everything in sight. Just so you could barf it up along with all your negative feelings about yourself.

You had tried to get over your issues with food for so long and it never really worked out. You had gone to therapy and hospitals as a teenager and they would always give up on you. The hospital staff knew your name by looking at you, you were the revolving door patient. Any discharge and goodbye really meant see you at your next admission when you relapse in a few weeks.

It wasn’t really about you recovering. It was about keeping you alive until your next relapse. 

It was better now. You used to be skin and bones, on the verge of dying. Then you started eating and vomiting your feelings. Now you were a healthy weight, no matter how much you tried to lose it. You missed being skin and bones. You wanted to get over this, but you wanted to be thin first. 

You weren’t dying but you weren’t living either. Your eating disorder was better but still was the silent shadow on your life. The only difference was now no one saw it or asked about it. So when you went longer without eating or purged more times, no one noticed. Because no one realized there was something to notice.

You didn’t think it would get better so you stopped hoping it would. You stopped trying. You were an adult now, so you were free to make your own choices. No parents or therapists in your way.

You made it into the common area, where Steve and Bucky were waiting. There were a couple of empty chairs - one for you and one for Sam. you had a mission briefing, and since it was urgent you would be leaving tonight. 

Great. 

You sat down - well, you more fell into your chair - and leaned back and closed your eyes. Bucky, who sat next to you, turned your way slightly and laughed nervously. 

“You okay there, doll?”

You opened your eyes and turned towards him. “Just a little tired I guess. Haven’t been sleeping well.”

Bucky chuckled. “You and me both.” He laughed a little, but you knew it was a touchy subject. Nightmares would keep Bucky up for days on end, and the dark circles under his eyes right now told you this week had been relentless for him. 

Steve, ever the one to care about his team, inquired, “Are you okay to do this mission y/n? I can get someone else if you need to -”

“I’m good Cap. Really, I’m fine.” you interrupted, sitting up and flashing a fake smile. 

He smirked a little. “There you are.”

Bucky was a little less convinced. “You sure you’re -”

At that moment Sam burst in and sat down. Steve perked up. “Finally. Alright, everyone’s here, let’s start.”

You caught the first few things that Steve said but began to zone out. You couldn’t focus. You kept your eyes on the files in front of you, but it looked like an entirely different language to you. You pretended to read but your eyes just glossed over the pages and pictures. All you knew was it was a HYDRA base you were going to. But that was a given.

Bucky shook you out of your trance, only for you to realize everyone else had left. You looked at him and he furrowed his brows together. “You sure you’re alright? You totally spaced out.”

You laughed. “Yeah, I’m good, sorry. Just tired I guess!” you said lightly, hoping he didn’t hear the nerves in your voice. You stood up and your vision went black for a few moments, so you leaned on the chair with one hand. 

Bucky was by your side in an instant. “I don’t think you’re fine. What’s going on?”

You shooed him off of you and flashed him another bright (fake) smile. “It happens all the time, I swear. It’s fine.” and before Bucky could protest you walked away to get ready to leave. 

You knew you should eat something. You’d only kept down a few apples in the past few days. But you were doing so well, and you didn’t have time to purge should you eat too much. You felt like you were about to pass out though…..

No

You shook the thought out of your head. You had gone longer on less food doing more exercise before. You would be fine.

You put on your uniform and went to the roof to get into the quinjet. Bucky was there as well, Steve up at the front getting ready to pilot. Once again, you were waiting for Sam. no surprise there.

You flashed a small smile to Bucky, and he gave you one back, but you could see the concern on his face. Silence was all there was aside from Steve up at the front. After a few awkward minutes, Sam came jogging in, and with that, you were off. 

“Shouldn’t take too long,” Steve called from the front. “It should just be a small base.”

*skip to the battlefield*

Boy, was Steve wrong. 

You hadn’t known what to expect, but from what Steve said (and how everyone was fighting), it was well over double what they had anticipated. You were with Bucky and Sam was with Steve, everyone fighting HYDRA agents on all fronts. Luckily, they were taking all of the hits. For now. 

As you were fighting, stars swam through your vision. You kept shaking your head trying to reorient yourself, but you were starting to get nervous. Your offensive and defensive moves were both delayed and weaker than usual. Bucky was covering your ass and both of you knew it. 

When all fronts were secured Bucky turned to you, slightly angry but also concerned. “What the hell is going on with you?”

You were panting and your heart was racing. Widened your stance nonchalantly to try and regain some balance, and placed your hands on your hips. “I don’t know…..What you mean…” you said between breaths. 

“You could’ve gotten us both killed! You’re lucky we didn’t all split up y/n. I don’t know what’s gotten into you!” 

You swallowed thickly and blinked back the tears. You tried to speak again, but your mouth went dry and you couldn’t speak. You saw Bucky’s eyes widen as he saw your face go white. He reached his arms out just in time as your knees gave out and you were unconscious.

He didn’t hesitate to pick you up and carry you back to the quinjet. Over the coms, he said “Something’s wrong with y/n. I’m bringing her back to the quinjet.”

Steve immediately asked, “What the hell happened?”

“I don’t know but she’s unconscious.”

A pause.

“Stay with her, Sam and I will finish this.”

Bucky laid you down across a few seats and scanned your body for injuries. Maybe a HYDRA agent had sliced you somewhere he hadn’t seen. But he found nothing and didn’t know what to think. No injuries, just a racing heartbeat, a white face, and shallow breathing.

And he was fucking terrified.

He’d never said anything, but the super-soldier had quite the feelings for you. He was always too shy, feeling damaged, and like he didn’t deserve you. He didn’t want to hurt you but what he didn’t realize was you were hurting yourself more than he ever could. 

And he still didn’t know. 

You came to after a few minutes, disoriented. You looked around and your eyes fell on Bucky, who sighed in relief. You tried to sit up but Bucky gently but firmly pushed you back down.

“What happened?” you asked groggily

“You passed out y/n.” he deadpanned

Your eyes widened. Shit…

“Does that also happen ‘all the time?’ Or is there something else going on?” he asked firmly, still worried about you but you mistook it for anger.

You felt tears prick your eyes and your face heated up with shame and embarrassment. You put a hand over your face, hiding your eyes. “I’m fine, Buck,” you said, but your voice cracked and you knew you didn’t sound convincing at all. 

“To hell you are! What the fuck is going on with you?” he nearly yelled, causing you to flinch. Bucky softened a little, and you started letting out small sobs, shoulders shaking. Bucky helped you sit up and pulled you into an embrace, hushing you and rubbing your back. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” you kept mumbling and Bucky just held you tighter. 

He was terrified. He had a feeling that something was wrong but he didn’t know it was something this bad. He didn’t even know what was wrong yet. “Please, y/n. Tell me what’s wrong. I just wanna help you.”

You shrugged. “No one can help me anymore.”

Bucky stiffened at your words, oh too familiar to his own thinking. But what could possibly have you feeling that way? You were the kindest person he had ever met. What could have you feeling so down? “Please tell me what’s going on y/n.”

You opened and closed your mouth a few times, unable to find the words to say. “I just...Sometimes I….and it’s just hard…..I don’t know what…” you exhaled, unable to form a coherent thought. After taking a few deep breaths, you closed your eyes and tried again. “I throw up sometimes.”

Bucky pulled back and looked you in the eyes with concern. “Are you sick? Why didn’t you say something, we could have brought you to medical -”

“It’s not like that Buck.” you cut him off and looked to the side. “Not exactly.”

He furrowed his brows and cocked his head. Why would you be throwing up if you weren’t sick?

You took another deep breath. “It’s a long story, and it’s depressing and I’m sorry. It’s just...I hate myself and I just need to lose weight and I’ve done this my whole life and I try to be healthy and sometimes I don’t eat for days and then I eat and I can’t stop and then I hate myself more and then I just need to get rid of it and I throw up and I can’t stop and ithurtstobadijustneedittostop-”

“Hey hey, breath…” Bucky said as he pulled you in, and you realized how you were hyperventilating. You tried to calm down and focus on Bucky’s heartbeat, trying to follow his forced deep breathing patterns. After a few minutes you felt yourself calming down. Still locked in his embrace, Bucky began to ask questions softly.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Since I was a teenager.”

“Why did it start?”

“‘Dunno.”

Some silence passed between you. 

“When was the last time you ate?”

Silence. 

You sighed. “Technically a few hours ago, but I didn’t keep it down.” you said softly. “Before that an apple a couple days ago.”

You felt him inhale sharply and swallow, wrapping his hands around you a little tighter. “Y/n…”

“I know, I try to stop I really do but it’s so hard.” you said, voice cracking and fresh tears filling your eyes. 

More silence passed between the two of you. Eventually Bucky took a deep breath before asking, “Can I try and help you?”

You let out a dry laugh. “I’ve tried getting help for years Buck… It never really sticks. It never gets better. I stopped hoping that it would.”

Bucky’s heart shattered. He’d never seen you so defeated before. And it scared him how much you sounded like his own thoughts surrounding his nightmares. “It can always get better doll. Please don’t stop trying. Please, let me help you. Talk to me, talk to any of us...But you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You passed out y/n, and it could get a lot worse...I can’t watch you do that to yourself. I care to much about you. We all do.”

You looked up at him. “You sure you wanna get involved in this? I don’t want to disappoint you.”

He smiled back at you. “You could never disappoint me with this. You’re trying your best, that’s all I can ask for.”

You smiled a little, still skeptical but nodded anyways. Maybe he really could help you. Maybe things could get better. 

And it was hard. There were days you slipped up, days you broke dishes, snapped at Bucky, locked yourself in your room, and found yourself bent over the toilet again. But there were also days that you couldn’t stop laughing, you enjoyed movie nights with the team, and family dinners weren’t so hard. It was a long journey, but that was exactly it - there wasn’t a destination. It was all a process. One that you had help with now. And you wouldn’t trade that for anything.

[hello-everyfandom]

"Whatever happens, I’ll be there, right beside you.”

Warnings: ***Severe Trigger Warnings*** Disordered Eating Habits. Restricting Food Intake. Depression and Anxiety

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader

Words: 2.6k

Summary: The world is going to shit around you.

Fred Weasley may be many things. He may be too loud. He may be too big headed and cocky. He may not understand emotions as well as his twin. He may be internally anxious about the fastly approaching war which he knew would be nothing but deadly. But, if Fred is anything, he is utterly mad for you. He could not find any answer that could solve how you could possibly be with a boy like himself, the boy whose laughter bounces off the cobble walls, the boy who grins toothily. 

The war, nearly at your fingertips, had taken an emotional and even physical toll on the students at Hogwarts.  Fred was worried. He wouldn’t fully say it outloud as he believed in such tumultuous times as such humor was the best coping method. However, he was worried. Worried about you. As confident as you may have seemed, Fred knew full well of the internal demons you’ve suffered the wrath from. If he could, he’d whip out his wand and defeat them all, but it wasn’t like that. He could not even wish them away, even if he shut his eyes as tightly as he could. 

Those who believed Harry Potter began preparing for battle, learning defensive spells and attacking hexes to protect themselves and protect their home. You were the first to sign up for Dumbledor’s Army alongside the twins who promised all the younger students to prank the ever loving hell out of any Death Eaters who dared roam Hogwarts. 

Fred began to notice a change in your demeanor when training had hit a month or so. You were working yourself to the bone, studying as many protection spells as you could and studying the herbs and potions needed for quick healing. You assured Fred with a kiss on his cheek that you were merely getting as prepared as you could. Fred couldn’t really do anything or think of anything to argue back with, but he watched with wary eyes. 

“Freddie,” you laughed, “You can wipe that worried look off your face. I’m fine!”

“But-”

“Seriously.” You patted his cheek kindly, “Go on and join the boys for dinner, I’ll be there in a moment.” 

Fred nodded, slowly walking away from where you sat. He waited for you at supper, even made you a plate and made sure no one took the last chocolate pudding as he knew that was your study snack. But, you never came. 

Okay, Fred thought. You must have been too buried in a book as you sometimes were. When night began to grow and he hadn’t seen you for a few hours, he began his search and bid his whining twin behind. He found you where he had last left you, still studying the words of numerous textbooks.

“Missed dinner,” Fred said softly.

“Did I?” you asked, surprised, quickly looking to the clock that hung on the wall you saw that it was nearly ten past eleven. “Oh, bollocks.” You laughed at yourself.

“Yeah, bollocks.” Fred mocked, pulling you to your feet. “Come on then, let’s sneak you something from the kitchens, yeah?”

You bit your cheek, thinking in your head, “I’m really not that hungry.”

“Really?” Fred’s eyebrows raised, “But you’re always hungry after reading, especially big, boring smelly textbooks like these.” He waved his hand accusingly at the books on the table.

With a grin, you shook your head, “Really. I had a large lunch and I’m actually rather tired.”

Fred hummed, interlocking your fingers, “Shall we head to bed then? Have a good little cuddle?”

You nodded in response and began to collect the books to take back to your dormitory.

“No, no!” Fred protested, “Don’t bring the bloody books.”

“Don’t insult the books, Freddie, lest you want a big, boring, smelly textbook in your crotch.”

Fred grumbled and complied, even taking a few of the heavier ones in his arms. Fred slept soundly that night, with his arms wrapped around you. It was only until you were tossing and turning and eventually getting up to light a candle and begin reading again. Fred looked at your hunched figure with bleary eyes.

“What in heaven’s name are you doing love?” he whispered.

“I couldn’t sleep, thought I’d read a bit instead. Go back to sleep,” you whispered back. Fred didn’t think much of this, even though he should’ve, but instead he watched you read until he unwillingly fell asleep again.

Weeks passed, more training sessions and lessons and homework upon homework. Fred kept a smile on his face, giving encouragement to the young D.A members and laughing when George would get blasted back by their little sister. You laughed as well, making Fred grin even larger. He saw you improve beyond belief, able to detect spells thrown at you. He believed wholeheartedly that you could duel with a blindfold on and shamelessly win. But to you? Your form was wonky and your wordless spells needed extreme practice. You brought it upon yourself to take extra practice times in the Room of Requirement, in the space between doing homework and studying. Those times, to Fred’s utter dismay, were usually meal times. 

“But-”

“Swear on my life, Fred, I eat when I get back to the dorm, you’re usually asleep by then!”

“But-”

“Freddie, you’re going to wear yourself thin if you continue to worry about me.”

“It’s my job to worry about you.” Fred argued, “Is something wrong? Anything I can help with?” 

Shaking your head, “No no, just want some time to practice, that’s all.”

“Can’t you take a little break? George and Lee haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Well,” you chuckled, “that’s not true. George and I sat next to each other during Divination and I helped Lee with his girl troubles last night.”

“Oh, but... you can still take a break! At least come to dinner?”

“Maybe,” you reached on your toes to press a kiss to Fred’s lips, “We’ll see.”

As you walked away, Fred yelled, “So see you at dinner?”

“Goodbye, Freddie!” you answered back.

Now is the time to be truthful. Standing in the Room of Requirement, alone to your own thoughts. Something was wrong. You weren’t exactly sure what and couldn’t pin where you felt anxious, but you knew something was off and was beginning to fear your love would notice as well. To be honest, you had gotten frightfully used to skipping meals. At first, it bothered your stomach as it growled and rang, but the more you ignored the ache the more you could withstand. Hunger only seemed to be a nuisance to you, distracting you from focusing. The only thing you wanted was to become stronger. Practicing and moving toned you down, but it didn’t seem enough. The girls in your year and below you were smaller, able to move quicker and think faster. Time seemed to serve you well as you put all your focus and will into exercise. When Fred and even George would approach you with plates of food, you’d fawn and smile, thanking them profusely for thinking of you. When they left, or turned an eye, you’d enchant the food away, not wanting to smell the scent of mashed potatoes and roast. The lack of food in your body displayed a false sense of security as you began to feel better and better everyday. 

Fred, oh Fred, such an innocent, oblivious boy could only notice your change in routine. Had he noticed the baggy sweaters you stole from him and the sudden change in your cheeks, perhaps he would’ve cursed himself. But, he basked in the fact that he thought you were happy. It wasn’t his fault either. You did a terrific job at hiding behind large sweaters and cups of hot caffeinated tea that filled your belly. 

“I’m exhausted.” you moaned, falling backwards onto your bed. Fred joined you, lying sideways so he could look at his beautiful girlfriend. To him, you were effortlessly pretty. Enchanting he may even say. Fred leaned closer, wrapping an arm around your waist and kissing the skin of your exposed neck.

“Shall we have a nap then?”

“Maybe,” you yawned, “but you better be careful, I’m quite sore from lessons today.” 

Fred joked playfully, “I know, saw you take quite a spill after Hermione spit that spell at you.”

“You would think she would’ve gone easy!” you laughed back.

“Come on, up then.”

“No, why!” you cried, refusing to take his hands.

“You buffoon, I’m going to give you a massage. You know, since I’m such a loving, perfect boyfriend to his seemingly ungrateful girlfriend.”

“You may call me ungrateful but buffoon? That’s going too far.” you bit back but nevertheless agreed and sat up so you were seated between Fred’s open legs. Fred’s thumbs quickly found your shoulders, rubbing your muscles. You moaned with the pressure of the pads of his thumbs. 

“You’re more tense than a horse’s arse.” Fred commented, sticking his tongue out in concentration.

“Will you just let me enjoy this?” 

“I think,” Fred touched the hem of your sweater, which was actually his from third year, “I may be able to help more if this were off.”

“Is that a pick up line?” you asked sarcastically, “Not quite bright with the ladies, are we?”

“If I was not in love with you, I’m pretty sure I would have dumped you by now,” Fred joked. Of course, that wasn’t true at all, but his comment would be something you’d think about for days on. 

“Alright, but I’m only wearing a bra under this, cover your virgin eyes if you must.” 

Fred scoffed and began to take off your sweater, “Virgin eyes, my cock and balls.”

The cold hit your bare skin making you shudder. Fred couldn’t see much as the low light only seemed to cast shadows. But, as he began to massage your tired muscles, he could not ignore the feeling of your shoulders in his hands. He could feel the curve of your bones and your collar which was prominent against his touch. The straps of your bra were loose. You were silent, unknowing and enjoying what you thought was a nice massage.

“Y/N,” Fred said slowly, making you open your eyes. 

“Hm?” you hummed back. Fred stood from the bed making you turn to look at him with questioning eyes. Fred quickly lit a candle next to your bed, illuminating the space between you two.

“Oh my god.” He whispered under his breath.

“Well, that’s not very nice to hear, is it?” you responded, feeling a little hurt.

“No, no,” Fred said quickly, trying to assure you. But he had seen you already. Upon the skin of your back, you were littered with bruises from practice. Spots of black and blue touched you and curved with your spine. He could nearly count every joint and sucked in a breath of harsh air.

“Darling,” his voice slower and slower, trying to grasp and piece together what is happening.

“What’s wrong? What is it?” you asked frantically, trying to look at your back. You breathed a breath of relief, “Oh, the bruises? Those are just from practicing from dueling.”

“No...” he swallowed, “Will you... turn around for me?” Fred asked. You turned and sat to face him, completely unsure of what was happening with your usual bubbly boyfriend. As you shifted, Fred nearly fainted to his feet. You had grown thinner, he could see the tops of your ribs and the thinness of your arms. 

“What is it? Freddie, honey, you’re worrying me.”

He thought. A million thoughts fastly flying through his head, his tongue going dry and swelling. “When was the last time you ate?”

Immediately, you covered your body with your arms, attempting to hide and searched for your sweater that Fred had thrown somewhere. “What are you talking about? Fred, that’s a little rude.”

“Be honest with me.” Fred said sternly, sitting down in front of you. You tossed your sweater over your head, shying into the safety of the fabric.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Fred, what the hell?” you asked, angrily and frankly, a little embarrassed. To you, it didn’t seem like a worried boyfriend but a judgemental boyfriend, scanning your body for imperfections and flaws. But Fred was nothing but worried, fearful and terrified.

“You need to tell me, right now. No bullshit. Have you been eating?” Fred’s voice was never serious, never as serious as now where his tone made you shake and cower. Fred noticed your face drop and the scared emotion in your eyes and mentally kicked himself. He was quiet, thinking again.

“This isn’t healthy, Y/N.” he whispered. His words made your stomach drop and your hands become cold with sweat.

“Fred-”

“You haven’t been eating, have you?” Fred asked, already knowing the answer. He began to desperately file through his memories. Like a shade drawn up, he nearly threw up. These few days, you were exhausted, couldn’t stand as well, shaking when standing. He thought of himself as foolish.

“Answer, please.” Fred begged. He grasped your hands in his, only now noticing your skinny fingers. “Please, my love, please. Have you been eating?”

Fred’s begging made you whimper. The sadness in his tone made your eyes well and your throat close until you could only spit out the words, “I can’t.”

“Tell me,” Fred cried out.

“I can’t eat. I feel sickly when I eat.”

Fred choked out a sob. He rarely cried but seeing how oblivious he was to your pain made him stricken with grief.

“But, it’s okay.” you said quickly after, nodding your head, “I’m fine.”

“No,” Fred gripped your tighter, “You’re not fine, darling.”

“I can eat anytime I want,” you tried to persuade him, or you, you weren’t sure which one.

“But, you won’t.” Your boyfriend said. The truth, the truth you had been cowardly hiding from was there, in front of your face, and this time you could not hide. Your silence was all the answers he needed. You couldn’t control yourself. You began to cry alongside him, sorrowful for everything that lived.

“What happened? Love? Tell me,”

“I-” you stuttered and struggled to breath, Fred moved so he could rub your back, still looking at you, “I don’t know. I. It started one day and then I guess, well I. I don’t know. I guess, I guess the stress and...” you cried harder, “I don’t know.”

“That’s okay,” Fred hushed you, pulling you in for a hug, wrapping his long arms around your wracking figure. “I’m here now, I won’t leave you. I’m here. I’ll help,”

“You can’t help!” your lips quivered, pulling back harshly in a state of disarray. “You can’t! I- I don’t. You can't. I don’t know.” you couldn’t say anything. Fred placed his hands, gently, on your cheeks, staring into the eyes of the woman he adored.

“We’ll try. I’ll try, and so will you.” Fred assured you, rubbing your cheeks.

“I don’t know if I can.” you said, hiccuping through cries.

“You can. You’re so unbelievably strong, I’ve seen you whoop several old sods in our year’s ass. And I know,” Fred moved your head softly so he could look at you better, “I know my words may not help, but I think you are so beautiful. Whatever happens, I’ll be there, right beside you.”

It wasn’t an exact solution and it didn’t automatically nor immediately solve anything, but it was something. It was what you needed to hear at the moment. To know you weren’t alone facing not only the physical battle of the external world but the internal one. It would take time, time needed, to be yourself again. Even still, on the days you felt worse, Fred would squeeze your hand in his and press a kiss on your lips. 

[tempestsreach-blog]

Fuck Diet Culture

This is going to be long.  It’s going to be rambly.  It’s going to be sad.  It’s going to be angry.  There’s going to be language some people don’t like. I can’t NOT talk about it though. 

Fuck diet culture.  Let me say that again.  Fuck. Diet. Culture. It has taken such a huge chunk out of my life.  I have lost pieces of myself I’m not sure I’ll ever get back.  The only way to heal is to go through.  I can’t go back.  I have to move forward.  But I can’t do it quietly.  I can’t hide.  I can’t live in the same shame I’ve spent the last 40 years in.  Literally.  40 years of my life wasted to this.  I can’t bear to live the back half of my life in the same way.  What the hell is the point? I’m not going to write this in any particular order because all of the thoughts and feelings swimming around are snapshots of things in my life that diet culture has broken in me or stolen from me. A lot of you aren’t going to agree with me.  That’s okay.  Truly.  This is about ME.  This is to help ME heal.  You can talk to me about your struggles, your diets, your ups and downs, your successes and whatnot.  I am here for you in all of it. But I won’t diet with you anymore.  Never again.

Currently I am having severe knee pain.  One knee is worse than the other, but both are bad.  I should go to the doctor.  I should have gone to the doctor years ago for it.  Want to know why I didn’t?  My weight.  I have injuries from overuse and over exercise and I am terrified that I am going to go to the doctor and the first words they’re going to say are “Well, if you lost 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds, it probably wouldn’t hurt so much.” instead of listening to me, examining me, scanning my knees and HELPING me.  I don’t feel this way irrationally.  This shit happens.  I am in pain.  I don’t know how to get help without being told to go on another diet that will not work.

Because diets don’t work.  Not long term.  I am excellent at losing weight!  I’ve done it over and over and over.  Then I stop restricting, counting, starving, and pushing myself.  Then my body says “What the fuck were you doing?” and puts it back. I lost the ability years ago to know whether I’m actually hungry or not.  I eat too fast when I do eat because if I snarf it down super fast I can get it in before my brain says “You’ve had too much.  Did you count those calories?  How many miles on a treadmill will you do to make up for that?  Did you actually earn this meal?”

Every time.  Every meal.  Every morsel.

I have never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder.  Only been told by therapists and psychiatrists that I definitely engage in disordered eating.

No shit.

Every diet under the sun.  Cabbage soup.  Phen Fen.  Weight watchers (MULTIPLE TIMES), TOPS, Noom, My Fitness Pal calorie counting, intermittent fasting,  and every whacky bullshit thing in between promising results.  I’ve purchased fancy scales.  I’ve even tried one that wouldn’t show you your weight, but the color of your progress in the app.  Here’s a hint… if you gain, your color is black like death.  I’ve failed a million times and I’ve blamed myself.  I am the failure.  So I hate my body a little more every day and I stress about how I’m going to NOT pass my disordered eating and my food issues onto my kids.  My stress levels are through the roof and 98% of it is diet culture related. What the fuck is that about? Every time I start a program I hit it hard.  Last time I tried anything involving tracking or counting I was so starving by the time I got home from work that I almost ripped a child’s head off (not literally OBVIOUSLY) but I screamed at her at the top of my lungs because she hurt my feelings.  It wasn’t until after finally allowing myself to eat another morsel of food that I realized I was hangry.

Why is living in a larger body not acceptable?  We all talk about diversity and equality as though we believe it with our whole hearts, but that doesn’t cross over to fat.  Or skinny if we’re really being honest.  How many times have you heard or seen online “Oh my god, she’s so skinny.  Feed her a damn cheeseburger!  She looks anorexic.”  I know I have.  I know I’ve said those words.  I will punch myself in the gut if I ever say them again.  

Every body is different.  We are supposed to be.  Let’s not BLAME genetics like it’s a bad thing.  Let’s realize that it’s what nature has intended.  My father is over 6 feet tall and a large man.  He’s just a big man.  He went on Nutri System when I was young, lost a ton of weight, and put a bunch back on over the years because he is a big man.  My mother was not tall, but was always large.  I hated her body because HER PARENTS told her all the time she was fat and unworthy and cautioned me not to grow up to be like her in any way.  Even when she was poor and homeless she was still large.  That was the way her body was.  I wonder how different her life might have been if the size of her body hadn’t been a factor in the way she was raised or treated.  How might that have made my life different?

I know a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes at me right now about being vocal about another health plan or saying to yourself “just because you have trouble with diets doesn’t mean they don’t work”  I know there are people close to me thinking “She just always gets excited when she discovers a new diet, that’s probably what this is.”  NO.  

This is me finally realizing that I can heal and healing doesn’t mean I need to weigh 157 pounds. (That’s the weight limit for women my height to enter the air force when I did in 1992) This is me finally realizing that I’ve been lying about the weight on my drivers license for 30 years because gods forbid anyone saw my real weight on that document. This is me realizing that I’ve spent my life trying to live up to other people’s ideals of what I should look like because I assumed they wouldn’t like me otherwise. This is me realizing how much unintentional harm I could have been doing when sharing another diet, another idea, another bout of “well this is working really well for me!” with people I care about. This is me realizing how much damage I’ve been doing to myself living with this level of shame for 40 years. Hiding what I’m doing.  Suffering in silence.  Hiding food. Restricting.  Binging.  Over exercising to compensate.  Spending money on one last diet.  Spending emotional energy on one last hope. We were in Las Vegas for what was supposed to be a fun vacation last week and I was so hot and miserable and so steeped in hating my body because my painful knees were betraying me that my internal monologue was a never ending loop of “I’ll hit weight watchers REALLY HARD when we get home and get rid of this weight, then I’ll figure out my knees and work on maintenance” Let me say that again, clearly.  I struggled to enjoy my vacation because I was obsessing about restricting food AFTER my vacation. One last time.  One last meal.

BULLSHIT.

We walked by shops with weird and pretty fashion dresses. (I freely admit I don’t understand fashion) the husband and I would both point out ones we thought were pretty.  My brain would get stuck on “Yeah, but they don’t make them in my size” or “Yeah, that would NOT look good on me.  It looks fine on that size 0 mannequin”  Pretty on other people.  Other people are pretty.  Not me. Diet culture is pervasive and all consuming.  In big ways and little ways.  I’m 5 ft 9.  I’m not a tiny person at any weight.  I’ve always been told I’m too big.  Even when I sit, I slouch a little and/or tuck my legs and feet up under me to try to make myself appear smaller and less invasive.  This is subconscious.  I don’t always realize I’m doing it until my knees remind me. Most of my life has been things that get in the way of my diets.  “I should start the diet today, but it’ll have to wait until next week because so and so’s birthday is this week and I want to be able to enjoy that.”  or “It’s late fall, I should just start now but first there’s my birthday, and then Thanksgiving, and December happens and there’s all kinds of treats then.  Better wait until January, but not the first because that’s new year’s...maybe the following Monday.” or the ever popular “I already had a bad eating day today, I’m a failure.  Why bother?  Fuck it.  I’ll try again tomorrow.”  That one was always followed by binging because of the last supper mentality.  If I’m starting a diet tomorrow I better eat EVERYTHING NOW. This is how I’ve lived my whole life.  The time not spent dieting was just the time in between diets where I was planning my next diet.  So much life wasted.  The only time I was not actively dieting or planning the next diet or suffering from “I’m just too exhausting to put effort into food right now” was during my 4 pregnancies.  I let myself eat whatever and whenever because I was nauseous all the time anyway and something in my brain made me fuel my body for the babies. When the youngest was born and the on call doctor who delivered her told me I was too fat to have my tubes tied I definitely started planning diets again in that moment.  I believe now, years later, that my diet and diet culture ruined mind and body is part of what kept me from being as successful at nursing the kids as I wished I had been.  I assumed my body was broken and not good enough for my babies.  The last time I lost a LOT of weight it was because I didn’t want to ruin someone’s wedding pictures.  True story.  This was nothing that person felt or anything they told me.  IT’s what my brain said to me.  It’s how I de-valued myself.  There are very few current pictures of me now because I’ve been stuck in a place where I feel shame when I see them. When I’m dead, memories and pictures are all my kids and grandkids will have, and I hate myself too much to let anyone take them. That’s not okay.

I dream about food.  I daydream about food.  Food I “shouldn’t” eat.  Food I “should” eat.  When to eat.  When not to eat.  Every spare ounce of energy is spent thinking about food or hating myself which leads to more thinking about food. I am not in a place where I can prepare dinner for my family right now because it’s too hard to put that much energy into food.  I force myself to pick the recipes from the app and get the shopping done via instacart so all anyone else has to do is pull up the recipe and make the food.  If I’m looking at the ingredients or trying to prep anything I stare at every individual thing debating whether or not I “should” eat it.  This is going to take me a long time to break free from.  Today I finally feel like I CAN break free. There is nothing wrong with being in a large body or a small body.  Food is not good or bad.  Food is food.  I have to say these things.  I have to repeat them to myself or I fall down the rabbit hole again.  None of this is work anyone can do for me.  I have to live it.  I have to work through it.  I have to figure it out. If you read this far, my statement stands.  If you’re on a diet, I will listen to your woes and hold your hand and I will not judge you for it.  This was very hard to write because I am certain some of you who believe in diets, ways of life, and wellness eating may block me now because I spoke my mind.  I’ve clung so tight to the people I love and refrained from being honest and speaking my mind for fear of abandonment.  I’ll have to live with it if that’s the case here, because people sometimes need to do what’s best for them.  Airing this out is one of those things for me.  It’s a scary thing for sure. I also want to say that I’m happy for this to lead to discussion.  I’m not going to shut anyone down for wanting to talk to me about this.  I am always open to learn new information and see different perspectives.  Just know that if I’m emotional and feeling a lot of strong things about how my life has been up to this point, and I am entitled to believe what I believe just as you all are.  I’m happy to share sources and books I’ve been reading on the subject.  They are not diet books.

Here’s to doing better from here on out.

Here’s to finally being free.

[ninma]

A look at Dream's punishment through irl rules and taking into account UN's rules regarding prisons. Because it is just interesting and it proves how there is NO justification for it. But mostly because it's interesting to look at and you may learn a thing or two.

I have seen too many times people trying to justify Dream's punishment. I did research and read through multiple articles and documents (over 73 pages of two different documents) about the more legal sides of his punishment. While Quackity's physical torture is obvious, I am here to address that even before that it was still very illegal. I know it is fictional! This is just a look into the real life facts and rules regarding prisons because it is interesting to look at Dream's punishment and Pandora's Vault under the light of these. So keep that in mind while reading this!

Welcome to my ted talk with actual facts and be prepared for quite the ride!

While yes, he has done bad things...however he has not done something so bad that he deserves a punishment so cruel that it's considered too inhumane for even mass murderers. Like actually! Stay tooned and you'll see what I mean.

His sentence is indefinite solidary confinement. Which is defined by the united nations as:

"the confinement of prisoners for 22 hours or more a day without meaningful human contact."

This means his punishment fits the definition for all his time (including visits) except when Tommy was locked inn and now with Quackity (although I'd consider the last one a turn for the worse). Now that we have that cleared up- lets get into the rule breaking. But first, let me introduce you to The Mandela Rules!

"The Mandela Rules reinforce human rights principles, including

 the recognition of the absolute prohibition of torture and other cruel, inhuman

 or degrading treatment or punishment and effective guidance 

to national prison administrations for persons deprived of their liberty"

Now that we have established that, lets get into this concerning fact train!

Rule 43

1. In no circumstances may restrictions or disciplinary sanctions amount to torture or other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

The following practices, in particular, shall be prohibited:

(a) Indefinite solitary confinement;

(b) Prolonged solitary confinement;

(c) Placement of a prisoner in a dark or constantly lit cell;

(d) Corporal punishment or the reduction of a prisoner’s diet or drinking water;

(e) Collective punishment.

Yeah...pretty clear breaking of 4/5 there. They can't even break e! Not to mention the pretty explicit breaking of d that was probably a surprise. You can count it as them breaking 4/4 if you count the fact that they can’t even break e. Rest assured my friend, this is just the beginning.

Rule 44

For the purpose of these rules, solitary confinement shall refer to the confinement of prisoners for 22

 hours or more a day without meaningful human contact. Prolonged solitary confinement shall refer to 

solitary confinement for a time period in excess of 15 consecutive days.

Already broken this one too huh. Even visiting days counts because I don't think anyone has been there for hours and I also don't think Sam's interactions would be long enough or count as meaningful human contact. The time with Tommy and Quackity is the only time it dosen't count as solidary. So this is getting...very much concerinng. But this is still only the start.

Rule 45

1. Solitary confinement shall be used only in exceptional cases as a last

 resort*, for as* short a time as possible and subject to independent

 review, and only pursuant to the authorization by a competent authority. It

 shall not be imposed by virtue of a prisoner’s sentence.

2. The imposition of solitary confinement should be prohibited in the case

 of prisoners with mental or physical disabilities when their conditions

 would be exacerbated by such measures

Woops...so not only is it illegal as a punishment...but also the "he is a psychopath" argument (which is already a bad stereotype, but I won't get into psychology here. It's a common misconception and c!Tommy not knowing is almost to be expected. However please do not say that someone, character or real person, have a mental disorder or illness without proper knowledge about psychology and in the case of characters we shouldn’t put labels unless the writer has said that they have taken mental disorders or illnesses into account when making the character) just got yeeted out the window. Actually that argument just took a loop and now is an argument for the other side. It makes sense because as it says: it exacerbates their preexisting mental illnesses. Which is why it's prohibited. 

"In no case may a detainee’s contact with the outside world be

 dependent on his or her cooperativeness, be used as a disciplinary

 sanction or form part of the sentence."

  - Special Rapporteur on Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment, Civil and Political Rights, Including the Questions of Torture and Detention, ¶ 43, Comm’n on Human Rights,

“…The medical officer should visit prisoners held in solitary confinement

 every day, on the understanding that such visits should be in the interests

 of the prisoners ’ health. Furthermore, prisoners held in solitary

 confinement for more than 12 hours should have access to fresh air for at

 least 1 hour each day” - Subcomm. on Prevention of Torture [SPT]

Wow Sam...it is almost impressive in a dark way just how explicitly these are broken. The Warden's very punishments for disobedience just straight up counts as torture. And for the obvious record I highly doubt Quackity's daily visits to the green bloob counts as anything but 'the interests of the prisoners' health'. You can disagree here...but I am being very sarcastic.

Rule 22

1. Every prisoner shall be provided by the prison administration at the

usual hours with food of nutritional value adequate for health and

strength, of wholesome quality and well prepared and served.

Raw potatoes every day for the rest of your life..eehhh no thanks. If Dream ever gets out he will probably join me in the 'eating potatoes trauma' box. As funny as that sounds, it isn't a joke. I was force fed potatoes as a child and I hated it to the point where it gave me a mental block that stops me from eating them as my body just does not want to swallow it. It's a problem. But I can joke about it. Maybe Tommy will join us too, although it wasn't really the eating potatoes that caused that trauma...rip. Rest in anything but potatoes.

Rule 42

General living conditions addressed in these rules, including those related

to light, ventilation, temperature, sanitation, nutrition, drinking water,

access to open air and physical exercise, personal hygiene, health care

and adequate personal space, shall apply to all prisoners without

 exception.

I think it's pointless to say more on that topic as it's pretty much already summed up. Let us now move over to what are probably some of the qoutes so specific that it's scary.

“Furthermore, [the Committee] is concerned about the use of solitary

 confinement for indefinite periods of time.... Full isolation of 22 to 23

 hours a day in supermaximum security prisons is unacceptable

(art. 16).” - Committee. against Torture [CAT]

Oh wow.. talk about on the nose. I should've just started with this one as it pretty much says pretty clearly how it is unacceptable. Like yikes...can you get more specific? It is just downright ridiculous at this point. (-_-;)

“Solitary confinement, when used for the purpose of punishment,

 cannot be justified for any reason, precisely because it imposes severe

 mental pain and suffering beyond any reasonable retribution for

 criminal behaviour and thus constitutes an act defined in article 1 or article

 16 of the Convention against Torture, and a breach of article 7 of the

 International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights."

Ahaha...ha....yeah for those who justify it...the convention against torture is very much against it being justified...Imagine if the characters could read these rules, that'd be interesting. Although I am pretty sure they don't follow realism for the imprisonment. As I have already said; this is just an interesting look at the irl rules and how Dream's punishment and Pandora's Vault stand under light of them.

“No prisoner, including those serving life sentence [sic] and prisoners on

 death row, shall be held in solitary confinement merely because of the

 gravity of the crime.”

 - Special Rapporteur on Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment

Like...there are no loopholes here. It is so extremely clear that it truly is darkly impressive how the characters don't seem to have a second thought about this. How do you accidentally sentence someone to a lifetime of torture without realizing? If they do know...It'd be very dark.

Btw Tommy's exile and his time in prison doesn't count as solidary confinement. Just to clear that up.

It amazes me how badly they break these rules...I know they probably didn't take the realism into consideration. However it is still kind of darkly impressive. Especially considering how scary specific they break them too. Even though this is just a interesting (I was about to write fun, however I wouldn't count realizing how inhuman the prison is is 'fun'. But it is interesting) look at Dream's punishment and Pandora's Vault under the light of real life rules for prisons. (lol my paranoid self have said this so much)

These facts also proves how saying it's justified...is kind of morally bad. Not attacking anyone! I just want to also say how while it is pure fiction and the characters in the story can have whatever opinion they want as they are characters. However when it comes to fans approving and justifying it without taking time to consider how it really isn't something that can be justified (real or no). You can have whatever opinion you want, however just maybe take some of what you have learned today and reflect over it? To think twice after having received new information dosen't hurt. I am not here to tell you what to think, so rest easy. Only to share some facts^^ (*so obviously scared of offending anyone*)

I recommend taking some time to look it up yourself if you want to look further into it. The psychological aspects of it is also interesting to look at!

I hope you have learned something here today and found this post and my research interesting! I spent hours on this so I hope you have enjoyed this! I originally posted this on reddit and I was very surprised at how many stopped by to read it and therefore I choose to post it here as well because you learn something and hopefully also gained a new perspective. 

Ninma over and out!