#and I’m trying to move back into ‘living life’ mode without overwhelming myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

volturiwolf · 3 years

Text

Soulmates - A Demetri Volturi x Reader Imagine

A/N: This is the first imagine I finished and uploaded, and it came quite unexpectedly while talking with @volturidoll13 who suggested a Demetri Volturi one-shot where the reader would follow Bella and Alice to Italy and would accidentally say “wish he’d choke ME” out loud (see my post for reference). So, here it is. Also, I’m sorry if something doesn’t make sense. English is not my first langage. Enjoy :)

No of Words: 5749

Mentions of: Swear Language, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Dying/Death, Killings, Self-doubt, Self-consciousness, Kinky Choking, Sexual Arousal

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think I had enough of Bella. No, I know I've had enough of her. She may be my best friend, the one who truly understood me the moment I stepped foot in Forks High School, beginning of last year, but this was just too much.

I have spent countless hours trying to support her when Edward Cullen left her, 5 months ago. I was there to be her emotional support, and even spent time with Jacob Black, an old friend of Bella's, who stayed at the Quileute reservation.

Jacob seemed kind of polite, although his attempts to flirt with Bella whenever he could were cringy, to say the least. But I supported her then too, trying to be sort of the third wheel / the one who tried to show Jacob she wasn't really interested in him that way.

His friends, Embry and Quil, were as nice and polite as they were beautiful. When Embry abandoned Jacob and Quil, Bella and I were there to support him. When Jacob abandoned Bella, I was there to support her.

Even when Bella was sad, angry and desperate to know what happened to Jacob, I was there to calm her down. I was there when she went to see him and he turned her away. I was there when she slapped Paul in the face. I was there when he turned into a huge wolf, and I couldn't help but scream.

Jacob explained everything about the wolves to both Bella and I. He told us how it's part of their DNA; how they are meant to protect the tribe from dangerous outsiders; how the metamorphosis from human to wolf can be somehow controlled over time, with practice and persistence. THAT I could understand.

What I couldn't understand was how vampires existed in this world! It wasn't Bella the one to reveal that secret to me, rather Alice, Edward's sister. Apparently, she saw Bella dying, the day she supposedly went cliff-diving, which I told her not to, having a severe fear of heights myself.

Bella took the risk, and if it weren't for Jacob, she would most likely be dead by now. That's what Alice said she "saw" - she explained to my incapable self that, as a vampire, she had a gift, the gift of predicting the future, based on others' decisions.

All this information was overwhelming me. I could swallow the harsh reality of wolves existing, but vampires, too? It seemed too much for me in such a short period of time.

Alice quickly explained some basics to me, like the fact that the Cullens were vegetarians, but the majority of their kind fed on human blood, as well as the fact that they even had a sort-of-government of vampires, residing in Italy, the Volturi.

She then turned to Bella to scold her about her recklessness and how she was prone to "life-threatening idiocy". I couldn't agree more with the short brunette right now. Bella has been nothing but reckless the last few weeks, and she was putting her life in danger for no reason.

They were talking about Edward or whatever, but I wasn't paying any particular attention until Jacob showed up. I decided to give them some space to talk, and Alice followed behind me, stepping out of the house.

Her face was a mix of disgust and worry, not paying any particular attention to me, probably trying to hear Bella and Jacob's conversation from the kitchen. After a minute or two, I heard her taking a sharp breath, her eyes fixating on nothing in particular; they were just staring ahead of her.

She took a sharp breath, as she regained consciousness, stepping quickly into the house. She walked in quite wide and quick strides, considering her miniature figure, and, though taller than her, I had some trouble following behind her.

She ran directly to the kitchen. "Bella. Bella, it's Edward. He thinks you're dead. Rosalie told him why I came here."

They both looked at Jacob; Bella practically screaming to his face, accusing him of not giving her the telephone to speak with Edward herself.

"Bella, he's going to the Volturi. He wants to die, too." The small brunette continued.

Within a minute, Bella made her decision: she was going to Italy to save her ex-lover. She promised us that she would just make sure he lived, and then, she would go back to her "boring" life.

Alice ran outside, starting her car immediately, as Bella was followed closely by Jacob, who tried to convince her not to go, pleading with her, all in vain. Bella was as stubborn as she could get, and nobody could change her mind.

I turned to Jacob, without really thinking about my next words. "Don't worry. I'll go with her. I'll make sure she's back safe, okay?"

All Jacob could do is nod at me, though his face was full of concern, frustration, and he was clearly distraught by Bella's decision to leave him and save Edward. As if all this time she, Jacob and, sometimes, I spent time together meant nothing to her.

I jumped in the back seat of the car, not waiting for either Bella's, or Alice's approval. I knew it would be a huge risk for me to go to the vampires' lair, but I also knew that Bella could use all the emotional support she could get.

As much as I hated Edward for what he did and said to her, I knew that he was everything to her, like her own little haven. Her own little oasis, which I guess felt more like a tundra, compared to Jacob's flaming hot desert. I rolled my eyes at my embarrassing thoughts, but I assumed that's how she thought of them.

The drive to the airport felt like a ton of weight crushing my shoulders. I had no place to follow them to Italy, as it was truly none of my business. But I promised Jacob, and though Bella could make me so frustrated with her lack of self-confidence and self-respect, I liked her company a lot, and I needed to make sure she was alive and safe.

In the couple of months that she came out of her apathetic state, we reconnected again, reminiscing about our unorthodox friendship, both of us being new to the town, shy and not particularly sociable.

However, Bella was the ideal friend to keep you grounded and connected with reality, which I, sometimes, had trouble with; my mind was running wild and free most of the time, while my mouth was staying shut.

So, I was willing to go across the ocean for her, to an unknown place, in a castle full of bloodsucking vampires. I wasn't pleased, but I was willing. Willing to help her save her stupid ex-boyfriend, and hopefully not get killed in the process.

During the flights, Alice tried, more or less, to explain the dynamics of the vampire world; the Volturi, being this sort of government-slash-royalty of the vampire kind, were tasked with imposing their laws over the other vampires. Their most important law? Don't expose your existence to humans, unless you want to die. Well, there goes that!

Alice had already talked to me about their kind; Bella knew through her association with both Edward and the rest of the Cullen family. The chances of any of us making out of there alive seemed slim to none. I was literally flying towards my death. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

I was trying to calm down my nerves, which did not work at all, when all I could think about were those Italian vampires. Alice told me that the vampire Kings, especially Aro, who seemed to be their leader, were interested in collecting talented vampires.

So, it was pretty obvious that he would, most likely, get rid of Bella and myself, and would gladly keep Alice and Edward, who, as Alice told me, has the gift of reading people’s minds. So, we were actually doing that Aro guy a favor there; bring him the “talents” and get rid of the “intruders”, the humans. Great. Just, great.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We were currently on our way to Volterra. Alice had stolen a yellow Porsche from the airport’s parking lot, which neither Bella, nor I opposed to, for now. It was a fast way to get to Volterra, plus I’ve never actually been in a Porsche, and I felt pretty amazing. Alice seemed like a skillful driver, and drove pretty fast, which I liked, especially if I was the one driving. Bella and Alice’s conversation interrupted my thoughts.

“What? What do you see?”

“They refused him.” That was good, right?

“So..?” Bella knew there was something else behind Alice’s vision.

“He’s gonna make a scene. Show himself to the humans.” Why the hell, Edward?!

“No! When?”

“He’s gonna wait until noon, when the sun’s at its highest.” Bella seemed more and more worried and anxious, and I heard her heavy breath, which seemed like she was starting to go on panic mode. I stroked her shoulders lightly, trying to calm her down. As much as she deserved to get worried, given the events that led us here, this was not the time to panic.

“There’s Volterra.” Alice pointed to her left, at a beautiful, picturesque town that looked as if it had jumped out of the Renaissance era. The scenery of Tuscany was beautiful, and it had always been part of my bucket list to travel across Tuscany in a small rental car. That was not how I pictured that trip, or how I pictured my last day on Earth.

Alice was running through the city’s narrow streets by now, never stopping to honk at people passing by, who moved left and right, trying to avoid the “crazy driver who decided it was a good idea to drive a sports car through such a city’s small, narrow, occupied streets”; at least, that’s how I saw it.

Alice did not back down, and continued driving skillfully through the city’s small arteries. It was odd though, the fact that everyone around us was wearing red capes, red clothes, everything was red. Bella questioned it out loud and Alice informed us that today was the celebration of Saint Marcus’ Day, the day that the Saint expelled all vampires from the town. The irony.

Bella was experiencing a full on panic attack, as we were only 5 minutes away from Edward’s shenanigans. Theoretically, everything was in order, until the moment we were stopped by the local police who refused to let us go any farther. Bella opened her door. She would go on foot, to find Edward before he exposed himself. Alice would park the car somewhere outside of the town’s walls, and we’d then go and find them.

I turned around my seat, to watch Bella running through the streets, to the plaza where the clock tower, which Edward was going to expose himself from, was located. Alice left the car outside of the walls, but still, close enough to have easy access.

For me, it was quite easy to walk around now, as my skin was not sparkling like Alice’s was. Alice had to wrap herself around a coat, a long, thick scarf and gloves, and wear sunglasses to protect her identity even more. I was walking in the middle of the streets, watching around carefully, as good as my human eyes could see, trying to help Alice go unnoticed, as she pushed herself more towards the buildings’ walls, trying to avoid the sunlight.

That went on for a while, until we were close enough to the clock tower, where Alice took my hand on hers and, with long strides, walked towards the main entrance, which was, thankfully, shaded enough for her to walk through.

She must have heard the conversation inside the building, as the moment we stepped in - Alice breaking the lock that kept the door momentarily closed, she started talking to the others, who I mistook as being Bella and Edward. As another sign of my unluckiness in life, she was actually addressing two other vampires, a tall brunette and a shorter blond.

They both looked gorgeous, but they could probably kill me as easily as it was for me to blink. I instantly became stiff, and Alice must have felt it, but she kept on holding my hand, trying to play it cool in front of the others, while trying to get rid of her disguise with her free hand at the same time.

“Come on, guys. It’s a festival. You wouldn’t want to make a scene.” She tried to play it nice and cool, though I knew she was just as worried being here as the rest of us.

“We wouldn’t.” The brunette vampire responded, now looking at me, who, by now, I have lost all my confidence in coming to Italy to help Bella.

I caught the blond vampire looking me up and down my body, and felt rather self-conscious. I didn’t have the best relationship with my own body and my own self; I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror, most of the time. So, I made up for what I lacked in self-confidence with sarcasm, bad humor, honesty and snarky remarks. I would be really going off of him right now, if I wasn’t shaking.

Though beautiful, the blond vampire also scared me, just as much as his brunette partner. I stared back at him, looking at his confident stance, one hand behind his back, and a smirk across his face.

When my (Y/E/C) eyes met with his red ones, I started shivering even more, holding on Alice tighter than before. I felt my heart beating faster, my breath became both sharper and deeper, and I felt as if I would cry, right then and there, in front of everyone. I saw the blond becoming a bit stiff, his jaw clenching, swallowing deeply, but he still wouldn’t take his eyes off of me.

Alice and Edward exchanged some looks, as if they knew what was happening, but chose to not tell anyone else. The scene in front of me was interrupted by the clicks of heeled shoes, and a blonde girl came into our view.

“Enough.” Her voice was stern, and her stance was stoic as she came closer to us.

“Jane.” Edward recognised her and lowered his head towards the ground. He didn’t seem scared before, when it was just the two vampires in front of us, but the small woman now seemed to have him terrified.

“Aro sent me to see what was taking so long.” She looked between the two vampires of her coven, as if she was criticizing them for their incompetence to bring us all before Aro. Then, she turned to us, looking us straight in our eyes, or rather our souls, probably to warn and scare us at the same time, before walking back to where she came from.

Alice turned towards Bella and I, the only humans there, who clearly looked more terrified than she and Edward did. “Just do as she says.” She simply said and we followed behind the girl, with the other two vampires closely behind us.

The blond one was so close to me, I could feel the coldness radiating off his body, making me shiver. The brunette gave Edward the red robe I didn’t notice he was holding before, probably to cover himself in front of the Kings. The blonde girl moved between Bella and Edward, and Alice and I. Edward was trying to comfort Bella but I couldn’t exactly make out what they were saying, my mind making all shorts of scenarios about how the vampires would kill me and the others. The more I thought about it, the more I was shriveling on Alice’s side.

We reached an elevator - I never thought vampires used elevators, but maybe it was for the humans around? The brunette and the blond entered first, as the blond turned around to stare at us, turning his gaze at me afterwards, before fully stepping in. Then, it was time for Edward and Bella to get in, followed by Alice and I. The blonde girl stepped in last, before the elevator’s doors closed shut.

The elevator music, an operetta, was supposed to calm peoples’ nerves. Yet, in this tight box, it had the opposite effect. Surrounded by vampires, vegetarian and non, the music was just creeping me out.

The fact that the blond vampire was merely two inches away from me was making my knees weak and my heart pounding, though I, myself, didn’t even know if my own body was reacting out of fear or attraction towards the blond vampire. I felt him leaning closer to me and barely heard him sniff around, but I clearly saw Alice turning her head around and giving him death stares, to which he retrieved back to his original position.

The elevator stopped and we all stepped out. We walked past a receptionist’s desk, the woman standing up, smiling and wishing us a good afternoon - based on the few Italian that I knew. From what Bella and Edward said, the receptionist was a human, wishing to become a vampire, like the others.

“And so she will be.” Demetri smirked, looking at me, who I still haven't abandoned Alice’s hand.

“Or dessert.” Jane interrupted, and I felt myself losing consciousness for a split second, before I felt the blond vampire grabbing my arm to stabilize me. His hand was cold and his grip tight on me, not leaving me even after I looked at him with wide eyes. He just smiled and continued walking ahead.

Jane opened the doors in front of her, leading us to a massive room, made out of marble, and decorated with Roman columns and scriptures on the walls. Surprisingly, it was well-lit and bright, compared to the dark halls that we passed through just a minute ago.

“Sister. Send you out to get one and you bring back two. And two halves. Such a clever girl.” A brunette boy, a bit taller than Jane, called towards her, as she walked by his side.

The blond vampire let me go and walk farther into the room, still holding Alice’s hand like I was holding on her for dear life. The blond vampire now stood a few feet behind us, next to the tall brunette one.

A black-haired vampire, who seemed a bit too excited, started walking towards us. “What a happy surprise! Bella is alive after all. Isn’t that wonderful. I love a happy ending. They are so rare.” He was talking with fake happiness in his face, as if he was reading from a script, grabbing Edward’s hand in the process.

“La tua cantante.” Your singer. The vampire seemed to know how much Edward craved Bella’s blood, and questioned how Edward could do so easily.

“Aro can read every thought I’ve ever had with one touch.” Well, that explained a lot. And now I placed who Aro was within the Volturi.

I now learned more about Edward’s gift, which was more similar to Aro’s than anyone else’s, but he couldn’t actually read Bella’s thoughts. Aro requested if he could test his own gift on Bella, probably hoping that he could read her thoughts and brag about it. But when Bella offered her hand, which he took too willingly, his face was unreadable and then, disappointed and angry, not being able to read her either.

Then, he turned towards me, still by Alice’s side. His red eyes were cold and hostile, and his face uninviting. I felt small and vulnerable, exposed, in front of his critical gaze.

“Dear (Y/N), excuse me for the waiting. Edward has presented me a very..intriguing image of you. Could you offer me your hand? I would like to get to know you, as well.”

My lips were trembling, not being able to say a word, and my eyes were glistening. Please, don’t cry. Please, don’t cry. I knew that whatever Edward had shown him I couldn’t avoid. So, I took a step forward, leaving Alice’s hand and extending the other one towards Aro. I felt a breeze behind me, as Demetri came to stand on my right side, looking closely between Aro and I.

The mind reader took my hand between his hands, and I felt my thoughts being examined and tossed around my head, like a small whisper trying to cast a spell on me. The vampire looked at me, deep in the eyes, and his face was filled with fascination for whatever he saw inside my head.

“Fascinating, indeed, dear. Your mind is just filled with thoughts and images, though they are not very distinct. You are not an easy book to read. I still haven’t figured out who you really are. Although…”. He looked at the vampire standing beside me, motioning for him to give him his hand.

The blond obeyed his master. Did he have any other choice? Probably not. Aro took the blond’s hand, and his wicked, sick smile came back.

“Oh, this suddenly became even better than I would have expected.” He turned towards the vampire sitting on the throne, looking sad. Marcus? The vampire in question nodded, and Aro turned around in an almost theatrical move, with open arms, for everyone to see.

“It seems that our dear Demetri has finally found his mate in (Y/N). I’m so happy for the two of you!” His face was smiling, but his voice sounded as fake as ever.

I didn’t know what “mates” meant. Alice didn’t have enough time to explain every “vampire term” to me, so I was clueless regarding this part. The blond, who I now knew as Demetri, must have seen the confusion in my face, as he leaned slightly towards me and whispered “Soulmates” in my ear. My eyes widened and he giggled lightly.

Whether it was how close he came near me, or his giggle, or the fact that we were “soulmates”, my heart responded immediately, thumbing faster in my chest, and I felt my cheeks burn - I was clearly blushing in front of everyone, as if I couldn’t be any more awkward than I was before.

Aro interrupted my embarrassment, as he turned once again towards Bella, wanting to test if she was immune to the others’ gifts as well. He turned towards the blonde girl, Jane, asking her basically to show off her own gift. Edward ran forward to stop whatever it was going to happen, only to end up in pain, writhing in an inaudible pain, as Bella was practically screaming to stop.

I honestly didn’t mind Edward suffering, even if it was for a few seconds, considering that Bella had it worse for over 5 months. He finally dropped to the floor, as Alice ran to his side, and the blonde girl’s brother ran to grab Bella, to stop her from going by her lover’s side.

I had no idea what was happening. I was just looking around, shocked and scared, as all these unfamiliar things were taking place in front of my untrained eyes. I felt a hand stroking my arm up and down. I turned around to see Demetri smiling slightly at me, trying to calm me down. I sighed a bit and felt my heart slightly at ease.

That was until the Kings decided that Bella was a liability - I wasn’t? - and Aro called out for Felix. I turned around and saw the tall brunette smiling evilly, while the shorter brunette turned Bella around and left her there, exposed, in front of the giant. Edward seemed to know what it would be happening, as he immediately stood up and ran by Bella’s side to protect her.

He immediately ran forward, attacking the tall brunette, and knocking him down. Alice ran towards Edward to help him out, but she was immediately stopped by Demetri, who I didn’t notice had left my side, grabbing her by her neck and immobilizing her, dragging her away from ever reaching her brother.

“Alec!” Demetri shouted towards the brunette boy, who had just left Bella at Felix’s mercy, pointing towards me with his eyes. The boy, Alec, came by my side, and practically dragged me farther from the scene that took place in front of me. His grip was a bit too much as he squeezed my arm, making me slightly cry in pain. Demetri growled at him, and Alec’s grip loosened significantly, but he still kept his hand on my arm.

Felix was pissed by now, as he immediately started fighting Edward, pushing and slamming him around the room. However, I couldn’t focus my gaze on them; not because they were fast, but because I was focused on watching Demetri, and how he was still holding on Alice’s neck tightly, never letting her go.

Watching Demetri’s hand around Alice’s neck should have made me feel appalled and sorry for the small brunette girl, but it didn’t. On the contrary, I felt rather aroused, watching his strong hand wrapped around the brunette’s neck.

Honestly, I felt a wave of jealousy and annoyance hitting me. That should have been me! Only I was worthy to be touched by this sort of demon who masked his true identity with the facade of an angel. It should be me! I couldn’t help myself, my jealousy building up inside me.

“Wish he’d choke ME!” I told myself, getting more frustrated by the minute.

“Patience, cara mia. All in due time.” Demetri smirked at me. I did not realise I said that out loud, until Alec started snorting beside me, clearly laughing cheekily, and Felix started bursting in laughter, his grip tight on Edward’s jaw by now.

I had embarrassed myself in a room full of vampires once again, the majority of them being part of the Volturi coven. If the Earth opened in half and swallowed me, I would pretty much welcome it at that point.

Bella brought me back to reality, as she was practically screaming, begging the vampires to let go of Edward, as she looked clearly distraught and upset. She even offered herself instead of Edward! Why, Bella? Just why? I have understood by now that they were mates and they’d do anything for each other, but she would sacrifice her own life for Edward?! That didn’t make sense to me.

Aro seemed to agree with me, but he thought more of the “soulless monster” perspective, while I thought more of Edward’s character, and how much his absence had scarred Bella. Alice told me, on our way here, that he thought he was doing everything to keep her away just to protect her, that being close to him put her in danger. But, from my own experience with Bella, she was suffering more away from him than he thought she would.

Aro looked disappointed between Edward and Bella, wishing he would give her immortality, which he did not seem willing to do. Aro moved menacingly towards the terrified girl, prepared to end her life. I fell forwards, attempting to reach her, to move in between them, but Alec’s grip tightened, keeping me back, both of his hands on my arms now. Aro was basically licking his lips, when, suddenly, Alice stopped him.

The small brunette confirmed that Bella would become a vampire like them, and that she would even be the one to change her, as she saw in her vision. Aro called her forward, and Demetri let her walk towards his Master.

He then moved towards Alec and I, replacing the brunette boy, but, instead of grabbing my arms like Alec did, he embraced me tightly, not letting me move away from my position. His cold embrace sent shivers down my spine, but, surprisingly, I let myself relax in his arms, feeling safe, and like that was where I belonged. I felt him smiling and relaxing, as well.

Aro seemed pleased with whatever Alice had shown him, and intrigued by her own gift of predicting the future. Alice had told me that her gift was subjected to the decisions people made, and the future could just change at any point. However, if Aro believed that her vision would eventually come true, we had no reason to tell him otherwise.

Aro turned to Bella. “Your gifts will make for an intriguing immortal.” He whispered as he touched her face, Bella clearly feeling uncomfortable under his touch. I would, too - Aro seemed creepy in his own way, his behavior and movements just as unpredictable.

He then told us to leave, and prepare for Bella’s transformation, and Felix let go of Edward. Marcus told everyone that a woman named Heidi would be coming soon and thanked us “for the visit”, as Aro said his goodbyes. Demetri walked towards the exit, me still in his arms. Edward grabbed Bella by her hand and Alice followed them behind.

As we were walking through the corridor, a beautiful woman walked past us, many people - they looked like tourists - following behind her. She had long, wavy brown hair and purple eyes, which could only mean that she was most likely wearing blue contacts over her red eyes. Her aura was full of confidence and power; she knew what she was doing and she took her job seriously.

“Nice fishing, Heidi.” I heard Demetri addressing the woman from behind me. So, that was the Heidi Marcus was referring to. Wait.. Nice..what?

“Yes, they do look rather juicy.” The beautiful woman replied, eyeing between Bella and I, as she continued leading the tourists down the hallway.

Demetri must have seen her reaction, as he brought me closer to him. I was in shock, and started trembling more than before. These people, these poor people would be the vampires’ snacks in a few seconds. Like Bella and I could have been just minutes ago. I tried to not think about it, but the screams that echoed through the hall would probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

Demetri opened another door as we approached the end of the corridor, and we found ourselves back in the reception area. The Italian woman greeted us once again, but I didn’t listen to what she said, still in shock, just waiting to leave this horrible place as soon as I could.

“Just wait here. You will be able to leave in a few hours, when it’s dark outside.” Demetri instructed Edward and Alice, and took his arms away from my body, turning to look at me. “Wait here, cara mia. I’ll be back soon.” I nodded, not being able to say a word.

Demetri turned and ran towards the throne room. I knew he left to feed, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of him killing innocent humans. I couldn’t keep myself from crying, as I started trembling and losing balance.

Alice came by my side, trying to stabilize and calm me down, while Edward tried calming down a hyperventilating Bella. We were both losing our sanity, not being able to keep up with the Volturi’s lifestyle, as it seemed. I was craving Demetri’s touch but, at the same time, I couldn’t stop the human in me, the logic, the sense that said that I should stay away from the vampires who killed people.

I heard Alice and Edward talking with the receptionist, but I couldn’t make out exactly what they were talking about. Alice, slowly and carefully, with her hands still on my arms, led me to a nearby bench, as the receptionist walked away. I was rocking back and forth, trying to calm down, realizing that we are still alive. I saw the receptionist coming towards us, offering a glass of water to both Bella and I.

“Grazie mille.” I thanked her, my voice barely audible.

“Prego.” She smiled at me, and walked back towards her desk.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I didn’t realise how much time passed, until I heard footsteps coming towards us. I was way more calm by now. Lifting my head towards the direction of the footsteps, I saw Demetri and Felix. I shyly smiled at Demetri, and he smiled back, with a smile wider than mine, a smile that warmed my heart.

“Hello, again, amore mio.” I felt as if my heart stopped for a split second upon hearing the words he used to address me. I would still be weak to my knees, if I didn't already sit down.

Felix was the one to inform us that we were allowed to go now, being way past nighttime. I stood up, and attempted to walk forward, towards Bella and the two Cullen siblings. I intended to leave with them, but I was stopped by Demetri’s hand on my wrist.

“Where are you going, cara?” He looked at me, knowing why I was attempting to walk away.

“I.. I thought we’d.. be leaving? That I’d be leaving? With the others?” At least, I was hoping I would be leaving with them.

“I’m sorry, amore. I can’t let you go, not now that I found you. You’ll be staying here, with me.” Demetri sounded so natural and serious, and I could only stare at him, my mouth agape.

“But.. I thought it was okay for me to leave. I have a life behind, you know. I have a school to finish, I have my family, I have things to do.” I still looked at him dumbfounded, waiting for him to allow me to go, just for now, just for a few months at least.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). But I cannot risk anything happening to you. I will make sure you are safe and protected here. We will arrange everything with your school and your family, and whatever else is needed. Please, stay.” Demetri’s eyes were pleading, and a shiver passed through my body, just by looking at him and hearing him talk.

It took me a few minutes to respond; nobody said a word all this time. “Okay.” I said faintly. “I will stay.. here.. with you.”

Demetri’s face lit up, and he leaned closer to me, wrapping his arms around me. He was careful to not hurt me, and I knew, at the moment, with my heart full of love and affection for that man, that that was where I was supposed to be. With Demetri. For as long as it lasted.

#demetri volturi #volturi #demetri volturi x reader #twilight #twilight saga #twilight post #twilight renessaince

701 notes · View notes

heyitsmerose · 4 years

Text

Ateez reaction their s/o loving their scent (Hyung Line)

So for this imagine, to change it up a bit I decided to have it both ways, wherein they love your scent in some reactions, but you also love theirs in others. Thus, for the members that seem like they would openly tell you about your scent, the reactions have been written in that way. For the members that might not, I have written it so the reader loves their scent instead. Sorry that this is so confusing ahaha.

Also I probably sound so weird, I promise I’m not a weird person. Doesn’t everyone imagine what people smell like? no? just me? okay.

Word Count : 2k

Genre : Fluff

Hongjoong :

It was comeback period, and they needed to have a full album with 9 songs in just under 3 months. This definitely took a toll on Hongjoong, as he felt constantly stressed, 24/7. You noticed he wasn’t coming home as often as he used to, and you noticed how he had distanced himself from you too. You tried reaching out, and calling him, only for him to give short replies and get back to work. You knew this wasn’t good for his mental health, but there was only so much you could do. You knew that if he kept overworking and taking stress, his body would soon not be able to take it anymore and that’s exactly what happened.

About halfway through their live, Seonghwa and San got a phone call from their leader. Thinking it was a normal phone call, they declined it as a joke. Even after a few minutes however, Hongjoong didn’t call them back, so they called him themselves getting worried. They were instantly met with his hoarse voice begging for help.

“Seonghwa-yah, I can’t breathe. I- I-” He gasped and cried. Seonghwa and San instantly went into panic mode, quickly ending the live and rushing to their leader. They found Hongjoong in the corner of his studio of the floor, head in hands, sobbing.

“Hey, hey, hey, Hongjoong hyung, what’s wrong?” San asked, only to be cut of by gasping from the leader. Hongjoong was sobbing loudly and he couldn’t breathe, this had never happened before and he didn’t know what to do. Seonghwa started to get worried, and had called the rest of the members. They all watched helplessly, as their leader was crying and was violently shaking, flinching at any contact made. Seonghwa and Yeosang both started to cry feeling incredibly helpless. San decided to call you for help, knowing you’d be able to calm him down.

“Y/n-ah, I think Hongjoong hyung is having a panic attack, he won’t stop crying and can’t breathe, please hurry!” He sternly said. You gasped and ran out the door, with nothing but your phone. When you arrived at the studio, you found all the boys huddled around Hongjoong, while he was sobbing and gasping. They made way for you, and you immediately jumped into his arms. You straddled his lap, and ran your fingers through his hair. As soon as he recognised the familiar scent, he gasped and cried a little louder, whispering apologies to you.

“Shhh” You whispered, tears flowing nonstop from your eyes too. He buried his head into your neck and the both of you just sat there and cried. His breathing slowly calmed down, and his cries subsided. When he finally could breathe normally, he looked up at everyone with bloodshot eyes, muttering apologies.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened to me...” He whispered. At this point, most of the members were crying, or at least had teary eyes seeing their leader so broken. He was thankful to have you in that moment as you knew him well enough to know your scent calmed him down.

Seonghwa :

You knew it was wrong, Seonghwa was the son of your mom’s boyfriend, but you still found him so intriguing. He could possibly been your stepbrother, if your mom decides to get married. You wanted your mom to be happy, but at the same time couldn’t help but hate their relationship. It didn’t help when once recently you were caught in his room smelling his stuff. Your mom and Seonghwa’s dad had already moved in together, but weren’t married yet. Despite this, it was only obvious, for them to take the next step and get married. At the moment, you and Seonghwa had your own rooms, but you were banished form his at all costs. Despite this, you let your curiosity get the best of you, and one day decided to sneak into his room. Bad idea.

You were greeted by the most heavenly scent of a mix of roses, honey and musk. His room was cozy and the fact that everything smelled like him did not help one bit. Your legs moved on their own and you walked towards his closet. You felt like you were ascending. Overwhelmed by heavenly scents, you grabbed a bunch of the clothing and stuffed it into your face, inhaling the wonderful smell. You must have seemed like a creep, but you didn’t care. You soon walked to desk and noticed a small black bottle. You realised it was cologne and your curiosity getting the best of you, you smelled it. This was it. This is the heavenly smell you loved. You immediaetely drenched yourself in it loving the smell.

Meanwhile, a certain someone was watching you from the door. He walked into the room, and in a daze, you didn’t realise he walked in. He back hugged you and you jumped.

“Hey, calm down” He whispered

“I see, you’re enchanted by the way my room smells” He said turning you around, and there it was again, the sweet smell, mixed with a bit of sweat, pure heaven in your opinion. You tried your best to try and block out the smell, only for your eyes to roll back into your head from pleasure and comfort.

Seonghwa laughed at you, pushing you outside the room.

“You better stop doing that, or else I might have to tell mom and dad” He said giggling, his demeanor instantly changing. You were confused and even more frustrated now. You were falling for Seonghwa but couldn’t be with him. What a tragic life you had. Little did you know, a few months later, you both would run away and get eloped. Haha, sorry mom.

Yunho :

Could you have possibly fallen harder for Yunho. The answer is no. You were so in love with him it scared you. You weren’t even aware you could love someone this much, yet here you were. You couldn’t be happier though, Yunho loved you even more, if that were eve possible. One thing that you always loved though was the way it smelled, and you actually liked his smell before you even met him.

See, your best friend, was Yunho’s younger, cousin sister. When you had come to visit once, she was talking about her boyfriend and was talking about how he made her feel so loved. She showed you this blue hoodie he had lent her and you just nodded your head, unsure of what to say. You weren’t too interested, since you just felt more single anyways. When she left to go the washroom, however, you decided to take a closer look. You picked up the hoodie she was showing you. Was it really that nice to have your boyfriend lend you a hoodie? You picked up the hoodie and smelled it, it smelled like sweat and you threw it as far as you could away from you.

“Wow, I can see why she is smitten” You said to yourself sarcastically, rolling your eyes. You were about the go back to sit on the bed when you noticed a dark grey hoodie. Sighing, you picked it up. You brought it close to your face to observe the words on it only to be greeted by the sweetest, most heavenly smell ever. You immediately gasped and stuffed the fabric in your face. It smelled like honey and you couldn’t get enough of it. You were absolutely mesmerised and decided to put it on. Your hands were moving on their own and you removed your shirt and put the hoodie on. Right then, your friend walked in and you gasped.

“This isn’t your boyfriends hoodie is it?” You asked stuttering, hoping it wasn’t, or else you would definitely be in a weird position.

“So you have found Yunho’s hoodie huh” She replied

“Yunho? who’s Yunho?

“My cousin”

“Thank godd!” You said a bright smile on your face, now you could openly voice your interest without feeling worried that it was her boyfriend’s hoodie instead.

“What’s with that smileee” Your best friend teased you

“Dudeee, this hoodie smells like honey and it reminds me of heaven. I just want to like bathe myself in this smell, why is it so enchanting?” You said exasperated.

“I mean it smells alright...” your best friend said, not understanding you.

“ALRIGHT?!??! IT SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN DUDE, LIKE MUSKY AND I WANT TO BE SURROUNDED BY THIS SCENT” You said yelling

Right then, a tall boy walked through the door. He stood in front of you and you raised an eyebrow. You were about to say something, when he hugged you all of a sudden. You were taken aback at first but recognised the smell, and instantly wrapped your hands around his neck and brought yourself closer.

Thats how you met Yunho.

Yeosang :

You and Yeosang were the perfect couple. Balancing each other out, yet matching each others energy, you couldn’t have asked for more. One of your favourite things to do was lie on him when he was shirtless as you loved his natural woody scent. It was so calming for you and it was just one of the many other reasons you loved him.

The problem was, you could never stop yourself. You just loved him smell so much, you just tried to be close to him whenever you could. It didn’t help that you were at the dorms recently with all the members and wanted to cuddle. You were all watching a movie, when you saw Woosan, Seonghwa and his girlfriend, Hongjoong and his girlfriend, and Yungi cuddling. It made you pout, so you pulled on one of Yeosang’s arms. He just looked down at you questioningly while you pulled him closer. He giggled and realised what you wanted, guiding your head to his chest, laying it gently and running his hands through your hair. This was still not enough for you though. You pulled up the blanket you were sharing and pulled it over the both of you, until your head, and his chest. Under the blanket, you slowly and gently ran your hands down till the bottom of his thin shirt and lifted it up slightly. You glided your hands under his shirt and gently pushed them upwards. He instantly shivered and the cold touch and closed his eyes. You ran your hands across his stomach and chest and he lightly moaned, only for you to hear.

You laughed and pulled the blanket over your heads completely until it was covering the both of you. You then took the opportunity to take off his shirt. He simply obliged, caught up in the moment. When you took off his shirt, you slid back down, to the waistband of his pants, and kissed his stomach. You moved up his stomach and chest showering him with kisses, after finally finding a comfortable position, and resting your head on his chest. He kissed your head and wrapped the blanket around the both of you comfortably. When the movie was over and the Matz started waking everyone up, it was safe to say they were thoroughly confused when they saw him shirtless, with your head in the crook of his neck. They decided to wake Yeosang up first, not wanting to embarrass you. He looked at all of them and blushed, carrying you to his room. He never told you about what happened, until recently when you had another movie night together and Wooyoung didn’t pass you the blanket.

“Yah! Wooyoung, pass me the blanket idiot!” You yelled after he kept snatchin it away.

“Why? so you can do nasty stuff, while Yeosang is shirtless, like you did last time?” He said raising his eyebrows. You were first confused, then blushed bright red, and started to chase him. Yeosang simply sighed and joined the two of you.

#ateez x reader #ateez #ateezff #ateez fanfic #ateezfanfic #ateez angst #ateez fluff #hongjoong #seonghwa #yunho #yeosang #ateez scent #ateez hyungs

214 notes · View notes

ask-asexual-crystal-gems · 3 years

Text

What's a common thread between ADHD and the asexuality spectrum? The answer might surprise you.

A while back, an ADHD user said in response to my question, “how did mindfulness exercises go?” a single word, “dissociation.”

It was only long after I had replied, that I had to remind myself that people think of dissociation as a scary thing.

I had to remind myself that a psychotherapist I once knew was pretty unorthodox, and gave me perspective on the matter that defused all the mysteriousness and internalized socialized discomfort surrounding it, which is ultimately rooted in both fear of the unknown or unfamiliar, and maybe a little bit of stigma, too.

Naturally, I do not talk about these sorts of things with general people IRL, so newly having a ‘conversation’ online about it did not jostle my awareness of others’ attitudes like it probably should have.

Things like anxiety and ADHD are, let’s say, more “ordinary” neurodivergences. (remember, the word applies to ALL mental illnesses, also, not just traits. Many don't consider most cases of ADHD an 'illness,' nor a lot of presentations of autism)

Those are more "ordinary." They don’t mash that “this is weird” button, so much as simply “this is very unpleasant.”

But dissociation can be the former, and not the latter.

Let me back up and explain that a bit.

People see dissociation as undesirable.

But why is it, you should ask.

Leave aside questions of physical safety. I’m just talking about sitting down somewhere, and there is no risk to you.

In the typical view, it’s not just another operation the brain can do, or an altered mind state, as we discussed it, rather, it is somehow considered a “bad” outcome.

When, ironically, for many forms of mind training, which we’ll put under the umbrella term “meditation” for simplicity’s sake, the end goal is a type of on-command dissociative state.

Whether you are internalizing your attention, externalizing your attention, or just trying to get that danged mind chatter to shut up for once and give you some peace, whichever way you are sliding along that scale, there is always the route open to you to pursue this ultimate peace.

So this person, who was trying out mindfulness?

Think, if you switched all the aircraft cockpit switches to check if everything was lighting up correctly. But instead of being an experienced pilot, you had no idea what would happen once you started testing everything out.

Accidentally withdrawing your physical senses, and seeming to distance your “self” from your body, which experienced practitioners do without batting an eye, (pun intended) would seem like a dysfunction rather than a built-in feature.

Quieting those areas of the brain dedicated to sense perception is quite a lovely experience, when you are educated on it, do it on purpose, and expect it.

Whereas anxiety is almost never a positive experience, unless it’s not really overwhelming or potent, and you’ve 'reframed' it such that it’s exciting, like any other adrenaline junkie bender.

The milder forms of dissociation, termed depersonalization or derealization, that seem to be quite common among asexual people, are also often considered as a negative thing, instead of just the current, value-neutral state of mind, which is trainable.

A much more common and even milder form happens when we sink into routine. Ever had a stretch of weeks on a job where you look back and you feel like you were sort of “automated”? Like you weren’t really present? You’re somehow a little surprised that that much time has passed?

That “time dilation,” accompanied also sometimes by a distorted sense of chronological sequence happens a lot with ADHD people, regardless of circumstances, but most everyone in the populace has experienced it at some point, barring perhaps the super privileged who have never been forced into a literally “mind numbing” job.

Maybe you’ve also experienced the sensation where you get into a car, perhaps when you’re on a familiar route you’ve driven a thousand times, or especially on long road trips, and you seem to zone out and lose time.

The brain is pretty good at conserving energy.

This is what she tells her patients, to calm their sympathetic nervous system. It circumvents that distress, that health-sapping stress response to this ultimately harmless “weird” experience, vastly improving their quality of life:

Dissociation is a continuum- many forms of it are common. Not some super strange thing corralled in a small corner of the sum total of human experience.

“Reframing” these things is essential to attaining incrementally improved mental health.

Clearing away all the internalized judgement, the feelings of wrongness, etc.

Just one more step out of the norm.

Just another neurodivergence.

It is conceptualized as unnerving when it happens suddenly and sharply, though, because it is so different from “ordinary” everyday experience.

The same way one person who hasn’t been around dogs much might react to a large dog barking with fear, and another person standing next to them having the exact same experience, trained and knowledgeable in recognizing true aggression versus excitement or mild warning, would not feel threatened.

Yes, having that particular toggle out of your grasp may be annoying and to those not given this perspective, frightening. (And if other personalities are involved, that gets much more complicated!!) But, consider. One of my mentors said calmly once, that she lost time for, say, 10 or 15 minutes while sitting down quite regularly, and felt very recharged and energized afterwards. It’s not exactly like sleep, because there’s not that head nodding and relaxation of muscles. Almost instantly gone, and instantly aware again, not that feathery transition as happens when drowsing or gradually falling asleep.

I hypothesize to her that this had probably started up because she’s involuntarily dropping into a deep delta or theta brainwave state for a bit, because that’s what she does in ‘brain entrainment’ recordings. (The frequencies are very good for relaxation when you're anxious and have a hard time unwinding yourself, others are good for focus during studying, and are therefore used by ADHD people) Unless she wants to pay some big lab to measure her neuron firing frequency though, there’s no way to tell for sure. The point is, that she directly benefits from this ‘taking a break’ from thinking. She is not bothered in the least by her mind occasionally saying, ‘you know what, I’m overwhelmed right now, gonna switch off for a bit.’ When someone gives their mind this permission to pause from its worries and senses, each the internal and external input, sometimes this is the outcome. It is not a problem to her whatsoever that this toggle occasionally moves of its own accord.

People are afraid of what they don’t understand.

But she understands it.

People are afraid of new experiences.

But to her, it’s old hat. On an MRI, each of the parts of the brain dedicated to the senses dim. Occipital lobe for sight, temporal lobe for hearing, etc.

If I were brushed up on the neuroanatomy of this process better, I could also name the parts dedicated to internal imput that would grow dimmer as she entered that state. Heck, they study this stuff so much, when interviewing meditation practitioners and testing for stuff like blood flow changes as their attention shifts, those images probably already exist.

Dissociation is not a mysterious thing.

It serves a purpose.

It’s your brain’s ‘energy saver’ mode.

Or in some cases, ‘recharge.’

So, to the person who argued that ADHD people should be cautious about using mindfulness? I must ask again, why?

Why would you forgo the benefits? Why would they tell others to do so??

Usually the main reasons dissociation causes problems, that aforementioned therapist says, is that people are overloaded to the point where it happens not when they’re relaxed, and can daydream or drift, but randomly when there’s too much pressure in their lives.

The fear response to it is just like any other overactive fear response or phobia- with time and therapeutic work, they are all resolvable.

/////////

#this post is NOT about dissociative identity disorder #only mentioned it in passing to separate it from the discussion

#adhd #asexual #generalized anxiety disorder #mental health stigma #mental health #therapy #neurodivergence #neurodiversity #depersonalization #derealization #mindfulness #anti capitalism #time dilation #brain entrainment #delta waves #theta waves

21 notes · View notes

wiypt-writes · 4 years

Text

Stark Spangled Banner

Ch:17 I’m Not Going Anywhere

Summary: Katie keeps vigil at Steve’s bedside and in full protective ‘dad’ mode, Tony engages the Stark Industry lawyers when the UN Senate comes calling. But the Winter Soldier has gone back into the shadows, taking one of Steve’s only living ties to his past with him. And no one has a clue where he’s gone.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

Warnings: Violence, bad language words, angst and smut (NSFW) NO UNDER 18s thanks.

A/N: I LOVE LOVE LOVE these edits once more from @angrybirdcr

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Katie Stark and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Chapter 16

Stark Spangled Banner Masterlist // Main Masterlist

“He’s panicking…let me talk to him.” Her voice was soft but full of authority.

Then, a familiar hand closed over the one that he held over the mask on his face and she gently spoke this time directly to him.

“Shhhh…” He felt her other hand gently run over his forehead. “Baby, you’re in an ambulance. Try and stay calm, okay?”

And then his eyes focused, just for a second. The panic that had hit him dissipated as Katie’s face filled his vision and he gripped her hand, not wanting her to leave him.

“I’m not going anywhere…” She assured him. “I promise.”

And he believed her. He felt himself relax and fell back against the bed and his eyes closed again, the last thing he heard and felt was her…

Steve’s hand was still tight around Katie’s when they arrived in the emergency room. She went in with the paramedics who took Steve in charge and, as they escorted Steve into the operating room, the realization that she finally had to let go of him crushed her. The same Doctor who had taken care of Fury and her in the warehouse approached her with a nod, and she was suddenly extremely thankful that the Director had as many fingers in as many pies as he did. It was an overwhelming relief to see a face she knew she could trust.

“Miss. Stark, I need you to leave the room, please. I’ll take care of him from here.” The Doctor put his hand on her shoulder to support his point and dropped his voice. “I promise. Fury’s orders”

Ignoring the urge to argue she let go and took a step back, her eyes still focused on the Steve as he lay on the stretcher.

“Heart’s rate climbing, doctor!” Announced one of the nurses. Katie could still see her soldier’s face disfiguring and the slight raising of his eyebrow and clench of his hand if he were trying to hold on to something. She let out a sob as she realised he was looking for her because she had left him, after promising she wouldn’t, and then the double doors of the operating room closed. Finding herself now alone and completely helpless, her limbs began to clench and she was suddenly very aware she was trembling. Then, it was as if someone had tightened a band around her chest, leaving her panting for air as her vision became more and more obscured by tears of panic.

She caught herself against the nearest wall before feeling her legs give way. She managed to lift them into a bent position, before bringing her arms around them so she could hide her head behind her knees as her throat felt like it had completely closed. She concentrated on Steve’s images floating around her brain, his touch, his kisses, how he held her, made love to her, the feeling of his laughter, his eyes, all their moments together.

We could get married if you want…

His face as he had spoken those words, the look she hadn’t been able to place suddenly registered in her brain. He had been hopeful. She closed her eyes trying to hold on to that memory. Eventually, after what felt like a life-time, she felt her throat begin to open again allowing her to take a deep breath, then the tightness in her chest and lungs eased and finally her brain. The hiss of silence in her ears was replaced by the usual murmur of a hospital and she could once again feel the sensations coming back along her limbs. She loosened her arms around her legs, stretching them out in front of her, and lifted her head to lean against the wall.

She had no idea how long she sat there. Minutes, hours…it all blurred into one as she focussed her attention on the doors he had been taken through. Eventually, her little bubble was invaded by a familiar figure hovering over her before Natasha slid to the floor, legs lying in front of her, her arm wrapping round Katie’s shoulder.

“Any news on how he is?” She asked.

"They’re still treating him, as far as I know.” Katie sighed, her head resting gently against Nat’s.

Natasha nodded briefly in acknowledgment before turning to look at her friend. “And you? How are you holding up?”

Katie looked at her, but didn’t answer as Sam’s familiar voice cut across the corridor.

“Katie! Natasha!” He hastened to join them, letting Katie take in his civilian change of clothes. He was bruised too, but overall, he looked okay. “How is he doing? Any news?”

Natasha took it upon herself to answer Sam. Meanwhile, Katie finally decided to get up from her position against the wall. The sudden movement and the long time spent in an identical position made her stagger a little. Sam hastily raised his hands to catch her.

“I brought you a change of clothes.” Nat spoke gently as she too stood up. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t stay. I’m already being summonsed for questioning, but Hill and I are going to do our best to keep your names out of it, both of you.”

“Frankly Nat, at this moment I couldn’t give a fuck about what my name is dragged into.” Katie snapped, her ton a little harsher than she had intended. She sighed. “Sorry…”

“It’s okay.” Nat shook her head, her green eyes catching Katie’s “Look, call me as soon as there’s news.”

She nodded. “Can you call Tony for me? He’s already tried ringing but I can’t bring myself to try and explain.”

“Sure.” Nat nodded. She pulled Katie into a hug, before she headed off up the corridor.

“Katie.” Sam spoke gently. “There’s a waiting room down there.”

“No, I’m staying here.”

“You need to get a proper rest. You got shot yourself yesterday, remember?” Sam reasoned, his tone patient/ “Come on, you’re no good to Cap if you aint in top fighting form.”

Katie gave in and let Sam escort her to the waiting room where the two of them sat in silence. It was around four o'clock in the afternoon, some three hours after they had arrived, when the SHIELD doctor made an appearance. Katie was half-lying with her head against Sam’s shoulder as he was changing the annoying channels of the hospital TV every ten seconds.

“Miss. Stark?”

Sam turned off the television almost immediately while Katie was already on her feet in impatience.

"Yeah?”

“Sorry it’s taken so long but there was a few complications.”

“Complications?” Katie frowned “He’s got fucking super serum coursing through his DNA, it’s supposed to help him heal”” “And it did, meaning the wounds had started to close over which caused us a bit of an issue but he’s out of theatre and the surgery was a success.”

“So he’s gonna be okay?” Sam asked and the Doctor nodded.

“He lost a lot of blood but we’ve given him a transfusion and his vitals are stable. He’s gonna be fine.”

Katie let out a sob and covered her face with her hands, relief flooding every cell in her body as Sam wrapped an arm round her.

“We’ve moved him into his own room and it will be a while before he regains consciousness, how long we can’t say.” The doctor continued gently, before looking round and then back to her, his voice lowering “We have an armed guard on his door, Fury’s orders, but you two can stay with him.”

He beckoned for them to follow him through the corridors of the hospital. "He’s doing very well, all things considered.” He said stopping in front of a door. “But, just so you’re aware, he is heavily sedated to ensure he rests as he was quite agitated. Now, it’s just a case of letting him rest whilst the serum work its magic.”

“Thank you.” Katie choked out before she turned to the door and a hand gently touched her arm. She looked up and did a double take as she saw Evans stood there.

“Hey Nova.”

“Evans.” Her voice was a whisper, as he pulled her into a hug. “You…”

“No, I’m not HYDRA, probably the only one in STRIKE who wasn’t.” He swallowed as she stepped back to look at him noticing the shiny bruise adorning his right cheek and the split in his upper lip. “I swear I had no idea. It all started smelling a bit funky when they told us Cap was public enemy number one, and then when I heard his voice on that PA…” He shook his head, sadly. “I’m sorry I didn’t try to find you, help sooner…”

Katie shook her head as the ginger Texan man wiped at his eyes with the heel of his palm.

“None of us knew Paul.” The use of his first name made him look at her, and she was swept back into his arms again.

“How is he?” He asked as she stepped back, nodding to the room.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep ya.” He smiled and she gently squeezed his arm. “I’ll be right her if ya’ll need anything.”

“I don’t want anyone in here without my say so.” She instructed. Evans jerked his head to show he understood and she gave him a tight smile as she pushed the door open and stepped into the room, Sam following.

The sight in front of her made fresh tears spring into her eyes and she swallowed as she silently took in Steve’s condition. He was lying, asleep, in his bed with whilst IV’s and monitors recorded his vitals. He had stitches in several places on his face, nasty bruises around his left eye and jawline, and a huge swelling along the same eye that was likely to prevent him from seeing properly for a while. Overall, he was a mess.

“Katie-”

“I’m fine.” She interrupted Sam quickly in a hoarse voice, slightly tinged with her desire to cry. She took a shaky breath as she could hear Steve’s steady heartbeat reaching her ears. “I just need a minute.”

She slowly made her way to one of the chairs by the bed, settling down without looking away from Steve as she reached up to take one of his hands. It was colder than she could ever remember him being.

“Hey, Soldier.” She breathed in a shaking voice before pressing her lips to his bruised knuckles as she held his large hand in both of hers. For a moment, she thought she felt his hand contract in recognition but when she looked down he showed no signs of being awake. “I don’t know if you can hear me but I’m here, like I promised.”

******

The next few hours Sam and Katie stayed in the room with him and eventually Katie had to concede she really needed to clean up. She looked around for the bag which Nat had brought her some clothes in and stood up, grabbing it from where it sat by the door.

“I’m need the bathroom.” She looked at Sam and he nodded. “I won’t be long.”

She headed down the corridor and entered the ladies restroom, leaning over the sink. She glanced at the mirror, her eyes were red, face was dirty, hands still full of Steve’s blood and she looked all in all like a right mess. She set about washing her hands, her face and anything else that she could before she stepped into a cubicle and peeled off her lycra leggings and compression top. Dressing in the jeans and black sweater that Nat had packed, she was also touched to the point of more tears to see her friend had packed her some deodorant, a set of face wipes, dry shampoo, toothbrush, toothpaste and a hairbrush. By the time Katie had finished she looked almost normal.

Katie pinged Nat a message to thank her and fill her in on the news that Steve was going to be okay and one came back almost immediately

Thank God, and you’re welcome. I just spoke to Tony. He’s on his way back from Australia as we speak, he’d already set off after seeing the news. He told me to tell you to call him, ASAP.

So she did.

“Jesus Kiddo!” Her brother exclaimed when he answered, “I’ve been so worried…how are you? How’s Cap?”

“He’s stable. Still out of it but…” Fresh tears sprung into her eyes at hearing her brother’s voice.

“I’ve had Pepper call the hospital, anything you or he needs…anything…” He stressed, gently “and she’s working to keep the press off your back.”

“Thanks. Where abouts are you?”

“Approaching Singapore airspace. I’ll be there as soon as I can, I promise.”

“’kay…”

“Love you Kiddo, he’s strong. He’ll be fine.”

“So everyone keeps saying.” She whispered, the sob catching in her throat.

Tony sighed “Look, this is Rogers we’re talking about. He’s as stubborn as you are.”

“I know.”

“I’ll see you soon. Call me if there’s any news, ok?”

But there wasn’t. Katie sent Sam home in the early hours of the morning but her vigil never wavered. Doctors and nurses bustled in throughout the night. Steve’s vitals were improving but he still didn’t wake up. She managed a few hours sleep, on and off, spreading herself across two of the chairs, waking at around five am. She gratefully accepted the offer of a coffee from a nurse who arrived to explain that they were about to move Steve into a bigger, nicer room, courtesy of Pepper’s discussions with the hospital.

It was around 10 am when Sam returned. The new guard who had relieved Evans for a shift stopped him immediately until Katie popped her head out of the door and told him it was okay. After he had frisked Sam he walked in, holding out a bag containing a breakfast sandwich.

“You’re an angel.” Katie smiled as she tore into it, unaware how long it was since she had eaten something.

The two of them ate as they watched the news reports on the TV in the corner of the bright room. They spoke of the Helicarriers, HYDRA’s plot having integrated the governmental organization as well as the impending investigation. Katie watched the footage of her and Sam whizzing around the sky, and listened as they had even rebuffed Steve’s message for more effect. The attack was all the world was talking about and all the news was focused on Steve’s recovery and the repercussions of his actions.

“The identity of the Avenger Supernova has until today remained a mystery but the rumours are beginning to amass than it is none other than Katie Stark…” One of the news readers was saying,“the sister of Iron Man and girlfriend of Captain America…”

Katie didn’t even flinch. It wasn’t like they wouldn’t find out anyway, as soon as those files they had dumped on the internet became common knowledge it was going to blow up, plus, it was pretty obvious now. What was annoying her however, was that it was as if they blamed them, in particular Steve, for doing what was right.

A few hours later just as Sam had left again, Katie heard a commotion outside the doors to the room and she stood up.

“You know me right? Tony Stark, my sister is in there.”

“Sir, I’m under instructions not to…”

“It’s okay, Davies.” Katie stepped out of the room and spoke to the guard. “He’s good.”

Davies sighed “Mr Stark, I’m gonna have to search you then.” He relented.

Tony shrugged and held his arms out, once he’d been patted down he shot Davies a contemptuous look and he entered the room. No sooner had he done that, Katie was in his arms, sobbing, the Doctor who had been checking Steve shot them both a look as he sidled out of the room quickly.

“Shhhhh Kiddo.” Tony gently stroked her hair as she pressed her face into his chest, his familiar aftershave and touch reminding her of all the times he’d soothed her before when she was upset.

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

Tony stepped back to look at her. “Red said you got shot.”

“I did, but I’m okay, see.” Katie shifted her top to show him the patch that was over her wound, which was healing well.

“Sounds like you’ve been having a bit of fun without me.” Tony sniffed, “It’s okay, I’m not really hurt. Well, maybe just a little. JARVIS is in a whole heap of trouble for not telling me by the way…”

“I told him not to, you were in Australia, Tones.” Katie shook her head gently “Besides, this was all a bit crazy. There wasn’t really time, if we had waited for you to get back it would have been too late…and you could have been in danger and…” She looked over at Steve, his face was still a mess. “Look at him Tony…”

Her brother placed his arm around her and squeezed. “He’s gonna be fine.”

Katie lay her head on Tony’s shoulder as they sat down, his hand gently stroking over her hair, not once trying to get her to leave as he knew she wouldn’t. She’d burst randomly into tears again when she’d told him her car was now buried in the wreck of the Triskelion. It was a lump of metal, not something that mattered, but Tony understood. She was letting everything out, and he simply sat with her and soothed her, informing her that the car was ready for being changed anyway.

“But I like my car.” She sniffed.

“Kiddo, it’s almost nine years old. I got you that for your Twenty-First.”

“And that’s why I like it.”

Tony had to chuckle, that’s what she was like. Sentimental. It was the gesture behind gifts that mattered to her, not the value. He’d brought her up that way to value money, even though they had it in abundance, and he was fiercely proud of the woman she had grown to be. Humble in many ways that he wasn’t.

“You know he asked me to move in with him.” Katie spoke again, breaking the silence after a minute or so.

“Before marriage?” He teased. “Well, well, well.”

She snorted a laugh “That’s what I said. And then he turned round and told me we could get married if I wanted.”

Tony stiffened slightly before he looked down at her. “And do you want?”

She nodded. “Of course I do. Only I told him to ask me again with a big diamond.” She sniffed again before sobbing. “We both laughed but why did I say that? I don’t need a fucking ring, or-”

“Hey, hey.” Tony gently took her face in both his hands. “You just said it yourself. You both laughed. He won’t have taken it as anything but what it was, a joke. Steve knows you love him. Everyone does. Frankly it’s hard not to, it’s sickening”

She gave a wet laugh and Tony wiped at her cheeks with his thumbs.

“He’s gonna move into mine.” She smiled, as they both settled down again, her head returning to his shoulder. “His place is too small and full of bullet holes and…blood.”

“Sensible” Tony agreed, pulling her closer.

At one point during the night Pepper called, filling Tony in on the fact that Natasha was to be summonsed to the UN for a hearing and that they wanted Katie there too, her secret identity as an Avenger was well and truly busted.

“Get the lawyers onto it.” Tony replied simply, glancing at Katie who was now asleep, across a makeshift bed consisting of four plastic chairs from around the room, head laying on his lap As his hand gently smoothed her hair, his need to protect her boiled fiercely within him. “She’s not going anywhere, certainly not yet. Oh, and I need you to get hold of Happy. I have a couple of jobs for him.”

*****

Every single inch of Steve’s body hurt. His mouth felt like sandpaper, his head was full of cotton wool, his eyes hurt as the colours flashed in front of them. He screwed his eyes further shut against the painful light that still assaulted him through his closed eyelids. He took a moment to breathe, steadying himself as soft music flooded his ears. It wasn’t something he had heard before but it was pleasant, soulful, jazz-like. His head stopped spinning and he felt brave enough to crack an eye open. He glanced round the room, puzzled slightly. He was in a hospital. Then he remembered. The Hellicarriers, Bucky, and the last thing he had seen before blacking out, his girl. He had been cold, and wet, but she had been there. And she still was, at the side of his bed, head laying against Sam’s shoulder.

“On your left.” He managed to croak out. Katie’s head jerked up from its resting place and they both glanced over at the bed where Steve was led. He smiled groggily before his head rolled to the side, flush back against the pillow and he closed his eyes once more.

At the sound of his voice, Katie instantly jumped up and settled on the side of his bed, gently stroking his face.

“Hey.” Her voice cracked. “Welcome back.”

“’M so tired, Sweetheart.” He mumbled as she dropped a kiss to his forehead, his eyes remaining closed as he managed a small smile.

“Then sleep.” She instructed softly, the relief flooding her system that he was with them, albeit not totally, but he was with them. She gently smoothed his hair, and kept that up until she could tell he was back asleep.

She turned to Sam who gave her a smile. “Lazy bastard.”

A few minutes later a nurse popped her head round the door. Katie smiled and told her about him waking up briefly and she nodded, checking the readings. “That’s a good sign.” she beamed, “His body will be drained, serum or no serum so him resting is part of the natural recovery process. When he comes round fully, come find me and we’ll get the doctor back.”

An hour or so later, the mood in Steve’s room was considerably lighter given his waking up before. Katie, Sam and Evans, who was leaning in the open doorway, were mid a playful discussion as to whether or not Voldemort could take Darth Vader in a fight. (Katie had started this whole thing after calling Evans “Ron Weasley with a rifle” on her way back from the bathroom) and were just about to dive into the whole schematics on Magic vs The Force when a voice spoke from the bed.

“What the hell are you three talking about?” Steve grumbled playfully and Katie’s head jerked up to see his eyes watching her and she was beyond happy to see they were full of their usual warmth, the warmth he had whenever he looked at her.

“Hi!” Katie breathed in relief as she stood up and moved closer to him, settling on the edge of his bed.

“Hey, Doll.” He smiled as she took his hand, her fingers snaking into his. His eyes flickered to Evans, taking in the man’s various bruises and he frowned.

“Got in a bit of a fight with Rollins.” Evans drawled with a nod, and Steve let out the breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding. The man wasn’t HYDRA. “He didn’t take kindly to me threatening to test out the whole ‘cut one head off, two more shall take its place’ theory on him.”

Steve gave a small huff of a laugh before he winced slightly at the movement and Evans nodded to him once more, before allowing the door to shut, returning to his post. Steve’s eyes fell on Sam who raised an eyebrow at him.

“You know, having a building dropped on my head wasn’t part of the job description”

Steve’s smile spread a bit further before he gently lifted his head up off the pillow, looking around before grimacing at the throbbing that filled each bone in his body “How long was I out?”

“Forty-Three hours and Thirty Seven minutes if you don’t count the last hour you’ve been resting.” Katie smiled gently, glancing up at the clock on the wall as she settled on the side of the bed. Ah, yes, Steve’s brain vaguely registered he’d woken up before, made some quip of some sorts. “Not that I’ve been counting…” She finished and he smiled again, giving her hand a squeeze.

“Have you been here that whole time?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “Sam’s been here too, a lot. As has Tony. He’s just nipped back to my place to change and make a few calls.”

“Trust me, two days aint that bad considering how you looked when you got here.” Sam added jokingly.

“Sam.” Katie reprimanded gently, looking at him.

“Alright,” He relented standing from his chair and holding his hands up, with a smirk. “I’ll go get that hot nurse, give you guys a minute.”

“Utter dog.” She snorted, the pair of them watching as he left the room and she turned to face Steve, tears in her eyes.

“You scared me.”

“Sorry.” He looked at her, and he was. He hated seeing her upset. There was a moment’s pause before he decided he had to know. “What happened after… did we?”

“SHIELD’s gone, Alexander Pierce is dead. Fury shot him. And as far as HYDRA, everyone major that was involved at the Treskellion is either captured or dead.” she paused, not sure if she should be telling him the full scale of what had gone down. Not whilst he was still recovering.

“What is it?” he frowned and she knew she wouldn’t be able to fob him off.

“Nat dumping the files on the internet means my identity as Nova is probably blown wide open. There goes our quiet life.”

“Nothing about our life is quiet.” he said a soft chuckle rising in his chest.

She grinned “True. Gonna be a lot of other shit to mop up though, The Treskellion was the tip of the iceberg. All the main SHIELD bases fell. America, Canada, Europe.”

Steve nodded along then asked the question he was almost afraid to hear the answer to. “Any news on Bucky?

"He’s gone.” Katie told him sadly. “I’m sorry Steve. I know how much he meant to you. But, I think he remembered you. He pulled you out of the river, told me to get help.” She continued to explain about their short exchange on the river bank and Steve listened, unable to stop the hopeful feeling spreading in his chest. Maybe there was a chance for Bucky after all, they just needed to find him. Katie watched him, and he smiled at her.

“I’m glad you spoke to him.” He nodded, and then a cheeky glint flashed in his eyes “Still think all the girls in Brooklyn were dumbasses for hanging off his arm and not mine?”

She gave a bark of a laugh and leaned down towards his face, rubbing her nose against his “Always.” She whispered, before giving him a soft quick peck on the lips.

******

Tony arrived back an hour or so later. He was genuinely pleased to see Steve awake and after gently grasping the soldier’s hand between both of his in a friendly, brotherly, gesture he sat down and delivered some interesting news.

“So the Goth Pirate called me.” He said, leaning back in his seat “He sounded amazingly well for a dead guy.”

“Fury called you?” Steve frowned

“Yeah. He’s laying low, you know, on account of being dead, and he wants to hand control of the Avengers over to us, Cap.”

Steve frowned, before he lay his head back on his pillow. He knew the Avengers would be needed again, especially now with SHIELD gone. He turned to Tony who continued.

“I think that’s the right thing to do, for us to take control” The billionaire spoke and Steve nodded.

“I suppose, but there’s something I gotta do first.”

“Yeah, recover.” Sam shot, drawing a faint smile from Steve but Katie knew full well he didn’t mean that. He was intending to go after Bucky.

They spent the rest of the afternoon making idle chit chat with Tony, who was already planning on further renovating the tower to house the Avengers full time in the wake of Fury’s news. Steve, Katie was pleased to see, was enthusiastic about the plans and listened, looking at the various ideas Tony showed him on the tablet. However, now that Steve was awake, the nurses seemed to be a little more reluctant to allow everyone to stay and at about six pm one of them politely suggested that Sam and Tony should be making their way home.

“You do know I’m paying for this, right?” Tony quipped at her. She shot him a look which made him visibly recoil and he turned to Katie pulling a face as he stood up.

“I’ve gotta get back to New York anyway.” He shrugged, pulling his sister into a hug. “Lawyers to speak to…new suits to build seeing as you blew yours up.”

“You blew it up?” Steve looked at her.

“I needed to send up a signal so everyone could find us.” She shrugged as Tony looked at her reproachfully.

“Yeah, I should be going too. I gotta tidy my place.” Sam groaned. “Someone trashed it.”

“You’re welcome to stay at mine if you want, for as long as you need.” Katie offered, as Steve let out a sigh and began to mumble an apology which Sam waved away.

“It’s fine man, it won’t take me long to reorganise it all.”

“Speaking of which…” Tony looked at Steve then Katie as he fished in his pockets for something. “I’ve had Happy organise to clear your apartment Cap, now you two are shacking up together. He’s gonna have all your stuff sent Kiddo’s, save you a job. Oh and I figured you might need this.” He tossed Katie a set of keys. She glanced down at them, her eyebrow raised.

“It’s a Q5, rought over from my personal collection.” He looked at her and she smiled at her brother. “Try not to bury this one under a sky-scraper.”

“Thank you.” She whispered, giving him another hug, slipping the keys into her pocket. “I love you, Tone.”

“Obviously, because I’m the best big brother in the world.” He hugged her tight, and Steve nodded to him, thanking him with a look which Tony acknowledged with a sharp incline of his head in the soldier’s direction.

As the two men left, Steve raised his right arm to bid them goodbye and the pair of them headed off down the corridor, chatting away animatedly. Katie watched them go before turning to Steve, who was yawning like a lion.

“You okay?”

“I just don’t remember the last time I was this tired…or in as much pain”

"Do you want me to get the Nurse, up your pain relief?”

“No.” He yawned again, he hated how it made the room spin.“Think I’m gonna sleep.”

She teased gently. “Again?”

He smiled and looked at her, swallowing. “Will…will you stay?” He asked, tentatively “Until I fall asleep, that is?”

“I’m not leaving you.” She cut him off and dropped a kiss to his forehead as she climbed onto the bed next to him “I’ll be here when you go to sleep, and here when you wake up.”

“You don’t need to stay all night. You must be exhausted, you should go home and get some sleep.”

“I’m fine…” She looked at him, before her body betrayed her and she too let out a huge yawn which she tried to stifle. He raised an eyebrow.

“Please honey, you need some rest too.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Steve shook his head. She really was obtuse at times.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He lay his head back on the pillow a grin flashing across his face. “Just remembering what a stubborn, pain in the-“

“If you wanna get out of here any time soon, then I wouldn’t finish that sentence…”

“Miss Stark is that a threat?” Steve looked at her, a smile curling further across his face

“It’s a promise…” She grinned, leaning over to kiss him gently. “Now go to sleep.”

*******

Steve was discharged from the hospital the next afternoon, the doctors having no reason to keep him any longer since he healed so quickly, though a cheeky nurse did warn that it wouldn’t be wise for him to engage in any strenuous activity, with a pointed look in Katie’s direction who merely rolled her eyes, a small smirk playing on her face.

They arrived back to Katie’s, no theirs, a little after 4 in the afternoon. Steve was dying for a hot shower, and a shave, despite Katie’s protests that she liked the stubble he had sprouted, and whilst he was under the scalding hot waterfall, Katie headed into the kitchen to grab a drink. As she opened the fridge for a bottle of water she wasn’t surprised it was fully stocked including a few bottles of expensive pinot grigio and some beer. There was a note stuck to one of the bottles, in Tony’s handwriting.

Couldn’t have you both coming home to an empty fridge now, could I?

Whatever it is he’s ‘got to do’, I know you’ll follow. So keep safe, stay in touch, and if you need help…you know where to find a good team.

T xxx

She read the note over again and smiled to herself. It was times like this that her brother always came through for her. She fired him a quick text message to thank him before she headed up to the bedroom to see if Steve was hungry.

“Hey love, just wanted to know…” the words died in her mouth at the sight of him, his upper body was flecked with droplets of water from the shower. The knife wound on his shoulder had faded to nothing but a fresh, pink scar and the bruises he sported were all starting to turn yellow now apart from one stubborn one on the right side of his ribcage that was still a mass of purple. But it was the round circle of scar tissue that stood out, on the left side of his lower abdomen, angry and red, where the bullet that had done the most damage had exited that caught her attention. Her mouth went dry and suddenly her eyes were misting over as it hit her exactly how close she had come to losing him. Quite simply, she wasn’t sure she could cope without him now, which scared her as she’d always been fiercely independent.

“Hey…” he said, swiftly stepping forward, his hands cupping her face as he saw her face crumple “Sweetheart, I’m fine…”

“I know, I know but…” she sniffed. “I almost lost you and I couldn’t bear it if that happened…”

“Well you didn’t.” He said, gently, “Gonna take more than that to get rid of me.”

His lips brushed hers, the lightest of touches but it set every single nerve end she had into over drive with desire. As her breath hitched she felt him grin against her mouth before he kissed her, slightly harder this time, parting her lips with his tongue. He pulled her close, moving his hands up to the small of her back, pressing her into him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, running the fingers of one hand through his hair while the others lingered at the base of his skull, holding him to her. They stayed like that for what felt like forever, the kiss growing in intensity, hunger, until Katie felt him hard against her stomach and her face was raw from the stubble that he hadn’t shaved yet.

“The doctor said you had to take it easy…” she whispered into the space between them as they each worked to steady our breathing

“Yeah…” he said, slowly moving her backwards, “But, what do they know?”

“Ermm a lot.” she snorted.

“You need proof that I’m all healed?”

“Depends on what proof you’re talking about…” she grinned as he dropped his hands to her ass, reaching down as if to lift her but she stopped him, hands on his wrists.

“Steve, your ribs…”

“For once in your life will you shut up and just do as you’re told…” He looked down at her. She was about to argue, about to tell him no, but as he looked at her, his eyes alive with desire she knew it was pointless.

“Yes, Captain…” she murmured as his lips crashed onto hers, but he didn’t try and lift her again, instead he backed her up the short few strides, before the back of her knees hit the side of the bed and she dropped back onto it.

“I’ll take it easy…” He whispered as he crawled over the top of her, sliding his hand up her jersey dress and into the waistband of her leggings and knickers, slowly sinking two fingers into her warm, wet depth. She let out a soft moan, open mouth grazing his neck as he felt her clench around him. “Easy,” he repeated before her mouth hungrily claimed his again. He moved his hands to reach down and they parted just long enough so he could pull her dress up over her head. His eyes automatically darted to the bullet wound on her left shoulder, that hadn’t healed half as fast as his, the stitches weren’t due out for another week

“I hate that you got hurt…” he muttered, slipping one bra strap down, then the other, before she arched her back allowing him to reach round and undo the clasp before he discarded it to the floor. His lips travelled across her collar bone and up her neck, drawing a soft groan from her lips as his stubble scraped her skin and once more his fingers claimed her. She writhed with pleasure at his strokes and he groaned gently, his lips working on the spot under her ear. He moved away for a second, to rid himself of the towel and crawled over her so that she was led flat, his hands pulling at the side of her black leggings, removing them along with her panties easily. He positioned himself over her, his tongue dipping into her mouth before he pushed into her, making her shudder slightly. His hands were on either side of her face, caressing her cheek and jaw as he kissed her again, rocking his hips as opposed to thrusting, the contact not breaking for a second. He dropped his head to her neck, his lips gently brushing her ear as he let out a groan, his hips grinding against hers.

It was soft, it was gentle, it was intimate, not rushed and Katie cried out his name loudly when her orgasm took her, her thighs closing around him. He was consumed completely by her, and he followed her over the edge, a loud moan rumbling in his throat. God he loved this woman with every single inch of his body.

“One day,” he mumbled, his lips brushing her ear, “I’m going to ask you properly.”

She understood what he meant. Smiling she looked at him, not a shred of hesitation on her face as her lips met his and she whispered into the kiss, “One day, I’m going to say yes.”

He couldn’t help the huge grin that spread across his face as he kissed her again, noses sliding carefully against one another to avoid aggravating any bruises before he rolled over pulling her to him, her words reverberating around his head.

I’m going to say yes.

His hand gently carded through her hair as he felt her relax into him and he dropped a kiss to the top of her head.

I’m going to say yes.

*****

The flashes of the photographers and the hustle and bustle of the audience were invasive. 4 days had passed since they had taken down SHIELD/Hydra and despite the best attempts of the lawyers that Tony had instructed on both hers and Natasha’s behalf, they had been summonsed to Capitol Hill.

What pissed Katie off the most wasn’t the attention, it was the fact they were being held accountable when they had done the right thing. Natasha felt the same, but the pair of them remained professional and unaffected by the staging of the conference before them. They both moved to the fingerprint reader before returning to their appointed places to answer their questions. Nat’s hair was as usual smoothed and perfectly capped on her shoulders, Katie’s was twisted back in a bun. Katie’s face still bore the bruises she had gotten from Rumlow, which were turning and fading and she probably could have covered them better but she’d chosen not to, simply to make a point.

“Miss Stark, you know Captain Rogers the best out of anyone in this room. Why do you believe he felt the need to take down our intelligence service?”

Katie wanted to laugh; it was such a stupid question to open with. But the serious look on his face told her he was serious.

"Taking down SHIELD was the morally right thing to do. If we hadn’t stopped that launch over twenty million people would be dead.” she said seriously. The congressman eyed her before jotting down something on his notepad.

The questioning continued from there. Not many people in the room were sympathetic to all that they had been through. In fact, Katie would go as far as to suggest that most were trying to find a weak spot or a way for them to trip them up. An hour in and it felt like they were going round in circles. Katie was getting pissed off. Besides her Nat shifted slightly, crossing her arms over her chest, the two women resisting the urge to look at one another.

“Why is there no news from Captain Rogers?” asked one of the men of the congress.

That was when Katie lost it. She turned to the front taking a deep breath as she looked up at the ceiling with annoyance, the eye roll she had been fighting came fully as she glanced back at the moron who had been speaking “I don’t know what else to say.” she spoke, her tone laced with sarcasm. “Maybe the fact he almost died might have something to do with it. That said, I think the new rock in the middle of the Potomac speaks for him in this case.”

"Perhaps he can explain to us how he hopes this country will ensure its national security because you have dismantled our intelligence services.” The Congressman insisted reproachfully.

This time it was Natasha that spoke, her attitude ringing across the room, she was pissed as well.

“What information?” She asked angrily. “HYDRA sold you lies.”

“Lies that you took care to spread.” The Congressman reminded, pointing at her with a knowing look. Natasha narrowed her lips to his allusion but it was Katie that answered, the final threads of her self-control finally snapping.

“Ste- Captain Rogers, sacrificed everything to save the lives of millions of people when he took that airship down into the ice over 70 years ago.” she leant forward “Not to mention the fact that my dad, Howard Stark, the co-founder of SHIELD also worked against Hydra in the war.” she took a breath and looked at Natasha “Agent Romanoff was almost killed by Hydra’s most deadly assassin on a mission 5 years ago. And more to the fact, 2 years ago we fought, side by side as part of the Avengers to keep the world and its people safe. And you’re seriously suggesting now that we would knowingly put those same people in danger?”

“Passionate speech Miss Stark, or should we call you Nova…” he said, making her snort and look away “And perhaps you’re right, maybe you didn’t know…but Agent Romanoff…” he turned to Natasha “It happens that a few in the commission have the feeling that, given your state of service for our country and against it, your place is more in a penitentiary than in a senatorial commission.”

Katie looked at Nat who took a deep breath, clearly collecting her thoughts before answering with confidence. "You’re not gonna put me in jail.” She paused for the dramatic effect before letting a small smirk curl the corner of her pink lips as she glanced at a Katie before looking at the front again “You’re not gonna put any of us in jail.” She arched a mocking eyebrow as she kept eye contact with the congressman. “You know why?”

“Please enlighten us.” He replied snidely.

“Because you need us.” Katie answered for her. “With SHIELD gone, the world needs the Avengers more than ever.”

Natasha smiled gently and continued “Miss Stark is right. Yes, the world is vulnerable. And we’re partly responsible, but we’re also the most qualified to defend it. So you want to throw us in prison? Go ahead” she shrugged “You know where to find us.”

With that she gently touched Katie’s shoulder and she rose gracefully from her seat, Katie following her. The pair of them turned to face the hordes of press, all of them were shoving microphones and cameras into their faces whilst they moved to the doors and pushed their way through the throng of people.

“Move aside please…” Happy was in his element, arm round Katie as he cleared a path to the SUV, where he opened the door to allow them to slide in. He pulled away from the kerb and sped off.

“We’ll head to Miss Romanoff’s first, then I’ll drop you home Kiddo.”

“Happy, what would I do without you?” Katie smiled at him. She turned to Nat who was looking out of the window.

“You ok?”

She shrugged “Could be worse.”

“So, what’s next for you?” she asked.

“Gonna take a bit of time out.” she said vaguely, shrugging “You?”

“Steve wants to track Bucky down.” Katie sighed “Although I’m not so sure it’s a good idea.”

She didn’t reply. They rode in silence until they reached her condo and Katie turned to her.

“Nat.”

She looked at Katie, her green eyes locking onto her friend’s.

“Don’t be a stranger. Come over this week, we can get takeout and make fun out of Steve, just like normal.”

She smiled and reached across the seats, giving her a hug. “I’d like that.”

****

The days following the hearing were peaceful as Steve and Katie mostly lounged at home, unpacking some of his things that Happy had sent over. They binge watched shows, cooked, went for walks and then one night Sam and Natasha dropped in for take-out and a few beers. Sam made sure he congratulated Katie and Natasha on them both basically telling the Government to kiss their asses.

“It was the best thing I’ve seen on TV in years!” he gleefully said, as Steve dropped a kiss to the side of Katie’s head. In contrast, Steve had hated seeing both her and Nat getting grilled. He’d offered to go himself but both girls had insisted they could handle it, and he should keep his head down for the foreseeable. It was the one thing that Katie knew she could do to protect him.

It was as Natasha was leaving that Steve pulled her to one side and asked her if she could get any of her old contacts to dig up any information on Bucky. Katie pretended she wasn’t listening to the conversation, but she heard every word as Natasha tried to warn him that it wasn’t a good idea, but, stubborn as ever, Steve insisted so she nodded, and promised to do what she could.

And now, almost two weeks later, they were stood in a graveyard. Katie supposed there were stranger places to meet up with your dead-not-dead ex-boss…

“Funny, most people need a Medium or a Ouija board to speak to dead people.” Sam quipped as Fury approached them.

“I see dead people…” Katie replied in an almost perfect impression of the Kid from The Sixth Sense, causing Sam to snort and Steve to chastise the pair of them for acting like a pair of school children in a graveyard.

“Sorry Dad.” Katie rolled her eyes and he shot her a disapproving look which she met with an equally sassy one of her own, and Steve looked away before he laughed at her.

"So, you’ve experienced this sort of thing before?” Fury asked, drawing up behind the three.

“You get used to it,” said Steve, looking down at the grave stone with Fury’s name on it, placed over an empty, buried coffin.

Katie slipped her hand into his, gently squeezing it.

“We’ve been data mining Hydra’s files. Looks like a lot of rats didn’t go down with the ship,” said Fury, He was standing by Katie’s side, staring down at his own tombstone, with sunglasses on and a hoodie over his head and he looked up at Steve “I’m headed to Europe tonight. Wanted to ask if you’d come.”

“There’s something I gotta do first,” Steve responded, simply.

“I assume you gotta do it too?” Fury looked at Katie. She shrugged.

“How about you, Wilson? Could use a man with your ability,” said Fury, turning his gaze to Sam.

“I’m more of a soldier than a spy,” responded Sam.

“Alright then,” Fury shrugged, shaking Sam’s hand before going over to shake Steve’s. “If anybody asks for me, tell them they can find me right here.” He said shaking Katie’s hand last as he nodded to the grave.

“You should be honoured.” Natasha’s voice drifted across from behind the three of them, making them turn around to see her walking up to them while Fury himself was already strolling away in the opposite direction. “That’s about as close as he gets to saying ‘thank you’.”

“Not going with him?” Katie asked.

“No,” she sang coming to a stop, keeping her hands behind her back.

“Not staying here,” Steve concluded.

“Nah…” she drew out the reply. “I blew all my covers, I gotta go figure out a new one.”

“That could take some time,” Katie raised an eyebrow.

“I’m counting on it.” She smirked, turning to Steve. “That thing you asked for; called in a few favours from Kiev.”

As she removed her hands from behind her back, she revealed a brown folder, which Steve took staring down at it with a contemplative expression.

“Be careful Steve,” she added, repeating her warning and he looked at her, nodding. “You may not want to pull on that thread.”

“Take care of yourself.” Katie said, looking at her, before giving her a quick hug. “I think I’m going to miss you, just a little bit."

"Only a little?” Natasha teased right back. “I’ll miss you too.”

She turned to leave and Katie gently reached over to tilt the file down so she could see it, wincing at the photo of Bucky in some kind of cryo-stasis. Steve looked at her, his eyes giving away his sadness and she gently ran her hand up his arm.

“I’m not sure I want you involved in this.” he looked down at her and she rolled her eyes.

“We live together you ass.” She looked at him, sternly “And we’re in this now, the both of us. I’m not going anywhere.”

She felt like she had been saying that a lot recently, and she had. But she wanted him to understand, nothing that happened could and would ever tear them apart.

As Sam approached Steve closed the folder, but the man had already seen it. He shot a look up to the sky, his eyes locking on Katie’s and she gave him a quick look which was almost sympathetic as she registered Sam’s frustration. It didn’t go unnoticed by Steve either, he knew this could be opening a whole can of worms, or a ‘bucket of vipers’ as Katie had said the other night, but he had to try. He owed it to Bucky.

“You’re going after him aren’t you?” Sam asked.

“You don’t have to come with us.” Steve responded

“I know.” Sam remarked, before a smirk crossed his face. “When do we start?”

**** Chapter 18

**Original Posting**

#stark spangled banner #steve rogers #Katie Stark #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers x ofc #steve rogers x original female character #mcu fanfic #mcu #captain america #chris evans #chris evans characters

74 notes · View notes

irwintry · 4 years

Text

the air before a storm

Warnings: just a bunch of good old fluff, swearing, alcohol

Author’s Note: yes this takes place in the outer banks no u are not allowed to mention the show—they are nothing alike. anyway i’m back :) hi

Summary: Y/N and Luke are neighbors in a beachside town where tourists are annoying and tropical storms aren’t rare. And they just can’t stop flirting.

Word Count: 5.6k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pelican Perch was a dead-end street.

It was well-wooded, wax myrtles and river birch kissing sandy chunks of pavement while homes too small for the average nuclear family were nestled behind thick, invasive vines. Quaint homes designed to keep the rain and the bugs out. Local homes. Each had their own shimmering windsock hung out front that was already tattered from storms, gifted to them by the neighborhood community last spring. Personalized homes. Beach homes that shared every aspect without even trying. Almost every shingle had been defaced by weather damage throughout the years. And the air always smelled of hot gravel and honeysuckle on breezy days. Homes on this road were loved.

You loved yours most of all.

With a front porch stuffed full of plants—ferns, strawberries, tomatoes, the lot—and knick-knacks you had collected throughout the past year, it was easy to love and call home to something that had once been temporary. The baby blue bike perched against a yaupon bush was proudly your preferred mode of transportation. Snuck far up the driveway sat a rusting 2005 Toyota Corolla with sand painted across its rear, and it was not well-loved, though it had been well-lived. The windsock hung off of your porch matched the color of your bike.

The last house on the street never put their windsock up. That house was right beside yours.

He had been there longer than you—you weren’t entirely sure how long, but your arrival prior to last season was greeted with his kind smile. A kind smile, gentle words, and eyes that melted into the ocean, far beyond the whitecaps where the sky touched the sea. All of that beauty, and you never caught his name.

For months on end, you watched him when he wasn’t looking. He left for work during your kitchen stumble for cold brew, nothing but a plain white tee and mesh shorts as he climbed into his jeep, sunkissed and sleepy. Minutes later, you would bike to work and find his Jeep along the way. He worked at the Island Rescue Squad, a small building that held more responsibility than being a simple motel receptionist. He paid his bills by saving lives; you paid yours by telling guests that they couldn’t swim naked in the swimming pool.

You didn’t know him beyond the sights through your kitchen window. But the evenings you crossed paths were treasured.

“Hey, how’s it going?” he’d ask, a nonchalant smile gracing his cheeks before darting his gaze the other way.

After some time, you found enough confidence to reply, “Not bad—you?” as you knocked out the kickstand on your bike.

He was always in the middle of hoisting a backpack over his shoulder. And then he would shrug, smile never fading, and say, “Not bad,” right back. That would be it.

You knew that his blond curls were your favorite thing before you even knew his name. But you also knew, in good faith, that the latter half was going to change.

That was why you should at his door late in the evening in July, a saran-wrapped plateful of coconut macaroons in your hands while your eyes scanned the details of his front porch. A white surfboard beside the front door had experienced its fair share of weather discoloration on the tail. At the end of the deck, withered plants were lined up along a wooden shoe bench. The doormat beneath your feet had nylon paw prints stitched in beside the welcome lettering. When you knocked on the door, a heart-stopping voice called out, “Just a minute!”

You tucked your ankles inward as his face appeared behind the screen. His smile was bold and bright, and from up close, you could hardly breathe.

“Hey, how’s it going?” he asked in his normal fashion, opening up the screen door so he could step outside with you. His gaze fell to the plate of macaroons while he leaned up against the door. “You’re kidding—did you make those for me?”

Six more words than the usual conversation; you were off to a successful start.

“Yes,” you said, fingers brushing his beneath the ceramic plate when you passed it over to him. “I had to figure out a good way to come over here and formally introduce myself. A whole year later. Better late than never, I guess.”

He smiled along to your words and nodded. “These look so good. Thank you.” He held out one of his hands for you to shake.

His name was Luke. He was only a few years out of school. Taller than any man you knew and flirtatious with his grin, and he kept his eyes locked on you as you spoke. He shared information through little words yet maintained a steady conversation. Talking to old friends was harder than this.

It was difficult to stomach—the way his quiet chuckles and wide smiles were decidedly the best things in the world and how your heart was a concrete block in your chest. It occurred to you, after waving goodnight on your way down the porch steps, that his smile never died. But you pinned it all on his kind heart over anything else.

Life between the two of you felt cyclical. Until one morning he caught you on your way to work.

“I’m gonna be up in Manteo,” he began, tossing a duffle into the backseat of his Jeep with a quiet grunt. “Just a few days. Some ridiculously boring conference that could probably be summed up in a Skype or whatever. Better than leading rope rescue trainings again though.”

Your lips pulled down into a playful frown. “You’re leaving me?”

Luke’s responsive laughter was a good start to your morning. “I’m sorry. Promise I’ll be back. They’ve got us all in some four-star inn. Free wifi and breakfast.”

“Oh, look at you. Living like a king.”

“Right? I’m tired of paying for my own Cheerios.”

It was nice to have someone to talk to, you thought, but you knew you were searching for more than a friend in him. Your heart was warm under his company. You didn’t know how, but it felt easy with him.

“Would you be able to do me a favor?” he asked as he leaned against his car. He kept his distance, his driveway to yours while the patch of dry grass between you watched with intrigue.

“Anything but mowing the lawn, yes.”

Luke cracked a grin. “I’m not that mean. No. Could you—uh, could you water a few plants for me out front? Just once or twice. I’d pay you back in macaroons, but I’m a shit baker.”

“No worries,” you said and situated your bike against your thigh. “I’ll water your plants. But that just means you’ll have to make up for the macaroons somehow. I’ll let you think on it.” You started off down the driveway before he could answer.

“Hold me to that!” he called after you. You sent him a smile in response and sped off toward the main road.

Later that evening, you found that Luke had left a note beside each potted plant on the shoe bench. Betty – allow to dry between waterings next to the Begonia, Calum – keep moist for the Caladium, Tom – water twice a day for the newly planted tomato plant, and Babe – water sparingly for Basil. Each note was signed with a smile and a heart.

—

The next time you heard from Luke, he wasn’t alone. Four days plus a hankering for human interaction—aside from tourists that asked for restaurant suggestions every hour—had left you craving a different kind of intimacy. An intimacy that didn’t require physical touch but was only fulfilled through his presence. Just knowing that he was next door comforted you in ways you couldn’t explain. You didn’t know him, but you knew that he was someone you could rely on.

You heard his car door slam before anything else. Through the window of your kitchen sink, you peeked out into the darkening night, searching for his lanky figure only to find a small animal instead. A dog. You forgot that you had been staring when Luke came into view. His wave tore you from your gaze.

You cracked the window open before you could hesitate. The overwhelming buzzes and clicks of cicadas were immediate to greet you.

“Are you gonna introduce me?” you called out to him, grinning wide as you pressed your elbows down onto the window sill. With the edge of the sink digging into your abdomen, the position was less than comfortable, but you didn’t think about it.

Through the waxing darkness, Luke’s smile was bright. “Only if you come give her a head scratch—then she’ll fall right in love with you,” he said.

You were outside within a few seconds. The side screen door slammed behind you as you hurried over, knees meeting the rough grass so the lovely lady could easily bound over to you. She nestled her nose into your palm and let out a snort. Above you, Luke chuckled at the sound.

“Name’s Petunia,” he said, bending down beside you to pet Petunia’s bum. “A friend of mine is moving ‘cross country—couldn’t keep her. I love the damn girl, so I immediately wanted to take her in. How’re the plants doing?”

“She’s the sweetest,” you mumbled. To him, to yourself—it didn’t matter. You were captivated. “And Betty, Calum, Tom, and Babe are great. The names, by the way? Genius. You have a talent. I’ll have to get you to name my plants. So far, I just have Candace and Big Mama.”

“Big Mama?” Luke’s short giggles filled the air. “I think you’ve got the talent, too.”

Petunia leaned into your scratches before turning back to Luke. So, you stood, brushing sandy dirt from your knees, and Luke soon followed.

“If you ever need someone to take care of her,” you said, “I’m always around. And I won’t make you bake anything. I’m a big dog person, so that’s already enough. I mean, I’m not opposed to a few cupcakes every now and then.”

A lopsided smile grew on Luke’s cheeks. “Red velvet?”

“It’s like you already know me,” you gasped out. “How was Manteo? That’s where you were, right?”

“Well, nothing beats free Cheerios in the mornings, so it wasn’t too bad,” he told you as he wrapped Petunia’s leash around his wrist. She nudged herself between his legs. “Manteo actually has a real downtown, so that was kinda nice.”

“You better not be thinking about leaving me.”

“Leave you? Never.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest.

“Besides, tourists down here are the reason any of us even have a job.” He scratched the corner of his eye as he spoke. “I’d rather not be saving drunk middle-aged men from rip currents, but I’d never leave Hatteras.”

The corners of your lips twitched upward. “Good, cos’ if you leave,” you said, pointing to your other neighbor’s house, “then I’m stuck with Judy and Ted. You can’t do that to me.”

“Oh, God, no.” His eyes widened as he shook his head. “I’d never do that to you. Or I’d just make you come with me.”

Now, your heart was on fire. You raised a brow in reaction to his statement, and his eyes widened again. The words had slipped out—that was easy to understand, but he couldn’t take them back. You wouldn’t want him to.

“Um, yeah—” Luke placed a hand on the back of his neck and backed away toward his home, Petunia following in tow. “Thanks for watering my plants. Expect cupcakes soon.”

“Don’t you dare.”

His grin reached his eyes. “Goodnight,” he said.

You were certain that you were a fool.

—

NC-12 was worse on Saturdays. The highway was congested with incoming and outgoing travelers, some careless and some too careful. On the way to work, you were among its passengers. Your baby blue bike was swallowed up whole by the minivans and SUVs that occupied the road. Somehow, you made it out alive every time. All it took was a spontaneous sharp turn from a truck to send you rolling onto the pavement.

It was a miracle you ended up with a dozen scrapes and a sprained wrist. The medical bill wasn’t worth missing a few days off of your paycheck, no matter how horrible the weekends could be. A few members of the rescue squad had shown up at the scene of the minor accident—you were glad that Luke hadn’t been with them. But you also wished that he had.

When you powered through the pain as you pedaled home, you weren’t sure if you wanted to see him. You weren’t sure if you wanted to see his reaction—mild injuries and all, and you weren’t sure if you wanted him to buy out all of the cupcakes on the island to make you feel better. Nevertheless, you didn’t have a choice. He was already getting out of his car once you pulled up.

He waved and smiled, and then his eyes grew wide. The scrape on your left cheek told all.

“Shit, love, you okay?” he said, walking towards you slowly. He kept his movements careful and calculated—he had seen the tears fill your eyes before you realized they were there.

“I’m dandy,” you replied breathily, waving your hand to shake off the emotions. The faux smile you put on only faltered, and the skin beneath your eyes stung.

Luke looked horrified. You could see the twitch in his hands, the way he almost reached out for you as he approached, but he held back. And you could see it in his eyes—all he wanted to do was make you feel better.

“You don’t happen to have any cupcakes, do you?” you asked with a sniff. Your smile wavered, and a small tear slipped down your cheek.

When he chose not to hold back—when he chose to pull you in close, then you decided not to hold back either. With his arms circled around your waist, you didn’t care about soaking through his t-shirt with your tears. You didn’t care that your breathing had picked up to near hyperventilation. You felt safe and warm, so you couldn’t care.

The hug lasted until your quiet sobs calmed. Luke’s chin pulled away from the top of your head as you wiped your cheeks with the back of your wrists.

“What happened?” he said, voice soft.

“Dumb vacationers—” Sniff. “—can’t use a fuckin’ turn signal.”

Luke let out a quiet sigh.

“I’m fine, I just… hurt.”

He glanced at his home over his shoulder and then back at you. “Would you wanna come over? I don’t have any cupcakes, but I have frozen pizza. And Petunia misses you.”

You could hear the unspoken words in his voice. I miss you.

This was what happened when you finally learned someone’s name.

You didn’t know how to explain it, but his living room looked like him. Light blue, wooden walls with collected posters unevenly nailed onto the panels. An old couch was the centerpiece, tan and woven with Petunia snuggled onto it with a blanket beneath her. Bookshelves full of CDs and vinyl records stood on either side of the room, but they had been untouched for some time. The home smelled like him, as strange as it sounded. Warm, woodsy, and comfortable.

From the couch, you sat up straight once the oven door shut. You counted each smell beep as the timer was set. Luke walked into the living room a moment later.

“You sure you don’t want some Advil or something?” he asked. “Or—I dunno—a beer? Maybe? I don’t have a lot, but—”

“A beer actually sounds good,” you said to him, folding your hands over your lap. “It’s been a bit of a shit day.”

He continued talking to you as he headed back into the kitchen. The home was small enough for any voice to carry, and you were glad he could maintain a conversation. That alone told you how much he cared. Despite how long you had lived on the island—a year and four months—and despite how long it took you to know him, it mattered greatly to you that he cared. You cared about him, too. It would be hard to see such a friendly face every day and think otherwise.

“Where’d they take you to get checked out?” he called to you from the next room over.

“Urgent care in Nags Head.”

“You’re kidding.” The sound of bottles clinking on the counter followed.

“Wish I was.”

Pop tops landed into a quiet clatter as he said, “how long were you there?” He joined you in the living room a few seconds later and handed you a bottle of Corona.

“Six hours.”

“Six hours?”

You nodded, sharing your best laugh before taking a sip of the fizzing liquid. “You better believe it. All for some cuts and a sprained-frickin’-wrist. And I’ll bet you my bill is gonna be chewing me up for the next year.”

Luke furrowed his brows and kept his gaze low. He appeared to be thinking about something else. “Did they call my squad?”

“A few guys showed up, yeah.”

He bit his bottom lip. “Dunno why they didn’t call me. I would’ve just took ya home.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. He didn’t know that everything he said made your heart race pick up. If your day hadn’t been so long, then your nerves would’ve eaten you alive by now. You were lucky, for the katydid calls outside masked any hint of tension between you.

“Thanks for the drink,” you said, words heavy in your throat. Thinking about your nerves only made them worse. And being around him only made you want him more.

He had called you love earlier; it had to mean something.

Luke’s smile was small, but it said enough. “Anytime.”

Although the pizza was cold in the middle and the taste of your drink had gotten old, what mattered to you was the company. Not the sprained wrist that ached with each movement. Not the tight bandages that tugged at your skin because you shifted a certain way. Nothing about the day mattered because it brought you to this.

His laughter was hypnotic—intoxicating almost—and it took away your breath every time. Making him laugh was addicting. Getting to see those few moments when his eyes light up with joy put shame to the ocean only a mile or two away. You wondered how on earth it had taken so long to know him.

And still, you didn’t know him. Just a name, a face, and a dog named Petunia.

“So, the rescue squad, huh?” you teased at one point as you situated yourself closer to Petunia. You learned that her nickname was Piggy and that, while she was cute, she also had the stinkiest farts—according to Luke. Nevertheless, you pressed your face close to hers and smacked a kiss to her forehead. She rolled over to give you access to her tummy. “What’s it like?”

Luke’s soft smile was etched into his skin. “Fuckin’ stressful,” he answered. “But great. It’s like a family.”

“I can imagine it’s not the prettiest job.”

“No.” He shook his head, and his smile fell. As he spoke, he twirled his bottle on the edge of the coffee table. “It’s not. A lot of tourists just don’t pay attention to the ocean, y’know? We put a million signs out there, and they just think that it will never happen to them. Suddenly you get waves going different directions, and you’re floating out with the current. You never know what’s gonna happen.”

You furrowed your eyebrows as you listened. He took his job seriously; some people didn’t.

“It’s just—uh, s’just terrible to see it,” he continued, keeping his head down low. “When you save someone from the surf, but they’re not breathing… and then their families are there—their fuckin’ families are screaming and crying. They just wanted a fun day on the beach. And you gotta make sure that no one dies. I’m just lucky to not have seen it much.”

“It’s horrifying.”

He hummed. “Yeah. And I don’t like it when people call us heroes. Cos’ we’re not. I’m not. We’re doing our job. We wanna keep people safe. We wanna make sure no one has to go through that. B-but when it comes down to you, and you have someone’s life in your hands—” Tears pricked at his eyes, and he swallowed thickly before continuing. “—how the hell are you not gonna try to save them? People over-glorify hero moments. We’re all just trying to take care of each other so we’re not mentally scarred along the way.”

“I’ve seen it.”

“You have?”

“I used to vacation here as a teen with my family,” you said, “before I officially decided that tourists are the fucking worst. I just wanted to live here and be on my own. And you’re right—about the screaming and crying. The families stand there to break your heart. I bit my tongue until it bled when I saw that jet ski go out on the water. It doesn’t happen every day, so I just never assumed it would happen around me. Didn’t think forty minutes would pass with nonstop chest compressions. Didn’t think anyone would give up either. Maybe ‘hero’ isn’t the word, just ‘good people’.”

Luke’s eyes were glassy, but he smiled through it. His fingers twitched in your direction on the neck of his bottle. “So—” He cleared his throat. “—what do you do?”

“Oh, it’s my turn now?” you said, biting back a smile. “Just you wait until you hear about all of the trauma I get from being a motel receptionist. I’ll have you beat.”

Once again, his laughter filled the room. All you felt was warmth.

The house rocked after then, lights flickering with the gust, but the wind quickly died. You and Luke shared uncertain glances.

“I’m guessing it doesn’t usually do that.”

Luke shook his head. “Not usually.”

An empty bottle of Corona sat between your palms, moisture growing on the surface from how he made you feel. You asked yourself it was normal to feel this way, if it was something more than the sudden admiration of a mysterious neighbor. You liked him, but how much?

You wanted to spend every moment with him to figure it out. But the last thing you wanted was to overstay your welcome.

“Thanks for this, by the way,” you said, ducking your chin. “For the pizza and stuff. Maybe you’re not a bad neighbor after all.”

Luke smirked. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

Your knees creaked as you stood, bones still aching from the impact of the pavement. You wondered how many bruises would appear on your body by morning. Luke stood along with you, towering high but keeping his presence small. He had to know how much he affected you.

“Love you, Piggy,” you mumbled to Petunia with a quick scratch behind her ear.

She huffed in response.

Luke laughed. “She said I love you, too.”

“I’m gonna have to learn how to bake doggie treats for her.”

“But then she’s gonna love you more than she loves me.”

You smiled over your shoulder on your way toward the front door. His eyes had already been burning the back of your head. “That’s the goal,” you told him with one hand on the doorknob. “See you tomorrow?”

He bit the inside of his cheek and nodded. You swore you could see a hint of pink tint his cheeks. “See you tomorrow.”

—

A tropical storm was set to hit two days later. It became a hurricane overnight. Category 1. Category 2. It finally settled on 3, its path set for the Outer Banks before it was meant to swing up the East Coast. A mandatory evacuation was set in place by the next morning.

The air was thick, trees restless and wind loud as it picked up. The sky was a permanent dark gray, and the clouds looked like something one would see in a disaster movie. It wasn’t your first time dealing with tropical storms and hurricanes, but they never failed to make your heart race. The unpredictability—the fate of your home, your belongings, and so on—always scared you.

You loaded as much as you could into your Corolla. The wind didn’t care about your disheveled hair or how high it blew your shorts. It didn’t care that it was tossing sticks off of trees, down onto the roof of your home. You said a quick goodbye to the shingles while you were at it; a few were bound to end up in Pamlico Sound by the end of the week.

As you shut the car door, another door opened behind you. Luke rushed out of his home with Petunia toddling behind.

“You okay?” he called to you. He had two bags over his shoulders, another in his hands before he tossed them into the back of his Jeep. “Know where you’re headin’?”

“Think so,” you said over the wind. “Can’t wait to pee my pants in traffic. Any of the guard staying?”

Luke nodded as his curls danced around his chin. “They’re gonna be spotted up and down the coast. You stay safe out there, all right?”

“Yeah, you too.”

It wasn’t the preferred way of saying goodbye, but the hot, stale air trapped itself in your lungs. You were ready to greet the clicking air conditioner of your broken car like an old friend, and then one turn of the ignition turned into two, three, four, and many more. The headlights flickered off and on, yet the light never stayed long. You hit the steering wheel with the base of your palms in frustration.

A sudden knock at your passenger side window took all of the frustration away.

Luke opened up the door and said, “come with me.”

That was how you ended up beside him, stuck in two-hour traffic while you thought about the way his lips molded around words. Soft rock played quietly on the radio as you sat without making a sound. But it was comfortable silence. Thankful silence. The air before the storm disguised the thick tension.

Petunia wandered around the back seat, on occasion whining before flopping back down onto her blanket. Every so often, you would lean back and scratch her head, and Luke would smile at you. Unspoken words were better than no words at all.

“Tell me about yourself,” you said after a while. With the Bodie Lighthouse to your left, the ocean to your right, the wasn’t much else to keep you occupied. “Not like, childhood trauma stuff, but basic stuff. Favorite color, favorite food—that stuff.”

Luke had one hand on the wheel, the other pressed against his chin while he leaned on the car door. He faced the road yet had his eyes trained on you. “Well, what if I really wanna open up about my childhood traumas?” he asked playfully.

“Hey, I’m all ears. We’re gonna be stuck in traffic until the mainland.”

He chuckled and rubbed beneath his lips. You didn’t know that such a small action could make your cheeks flush. “Favorite color? Hm. Blue, I guess. Favorite food has gotta be those damn macaroons you made me. They were absolutely delicious, babe.”

Your smile lit up the car.

“If you wanna know everything about me, all you gotta do is check out my mum’s Facebook,” he said. “Liz Hemmings. She posts every photo I send her and talks about my love life when she’s bored.”

“Love life, huh?”

He huffs quietly. “Her profile has been a little dry lately then, I guess.” When his eyes found yours, a small smile grew on his lips. “She’d love you. I’ll have t’let you know when she comes to visit next.”

“Oh man,” you said. “I’m already meeting my neighbor’s mom.”

Luke chuckled. “Uh oh. I didn’t push it too far, did I?”

“Didn’t know we were there yet, s’all. But I’d be happy to meet her.”

He set his hand down on the gear shift. Inches away from yours. “She’d just wonder what the hell you’re doin’ around me. Tell you that you’re too good for me. Stuff like that. I mean, it’s true.”

“Just tell her that I can’t afford to move, so I’m stuck with you.”

“Aw, you don’t mean that.”

“Unfortunately, no. I don’t mean that.”

“Good,” he mumbled, glancing out the window. “Cos’ I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

—

The hurricane made landfall at two in the morning. The hotel walls of the Quality Inn shook and rain pattered hard against the window. The alarm clock beside the bed turned black. From across the room, you could barely hear Luke stir in his own bed. And despite the storm, your heart still tugged at the thought of him there with you.

The wind was the worst thing of all. You thought about your home, the plants you dragged inside, and the windsock you forgot to take down. Maybe Luke would let you borrow his. But all that mattered, in the moment, was the voice calling your name through the pitch-black night. Somehow, it carried over the storm, over the howling wind and the rain coming down in sheets. It pulled your heart right out of your chest.

Your eyes were heavy with sleep as you said, “Luke?

You could hear him turn over in bed, but through the dark, you could only make out the edges of his figure. You hoped he had turned to face you.

“Hey. You okay?” His voice was soft, and you felt the storm slowly slip away.

“Can’t sleep” you answered. “Not a big fan of storms.”

He was barely awake, quiet words of “wanna come over here?” floating in the air-conditioned air. Your own words were stuck in your throat. So you didn’t answer. You rose from your bed instead, feet padding to the opposite side of his bed before crawling under the sheets beside him. His warmth radiated off of him.

Luke’s hand was right beside your hand. You swore you could hear his breaths over the wind. If you were able to see his features so close to yours, you would cease to exist. Your heart had found a comfortable home in your throat.

Fingers wove in between yours, gentle and warm like they were barely there, but they were all you could feel. Rough in the right places. Luke’s hand rested on yours, his pulse beating low and steady.

You knew that words would steal the moment away.

As his fingers traced your skin, the heat in your chest grew. It was normal. It was beautiful. And it was yours. So you held his hand right back.

When his forehead met yours, you knew you were done for. The storm completely faded from your mind. Noses touched and breaths fell into sync, but your heartbeat was loud in your ears. All you could think about was the feeling of his lips brushing yours. You couldn’t remember when your eyes closed. The last thing you felt was Petunia nudging your foot at the end of the bed, and then you fell asleep in Luke’s arms.

The kiss was nothing but a dream.

You were allowed back on the island three days later. Unsaid things invaded your mind on the ride down the coast, but you couldn’t bring it upon yourself to say a word. Luke was busy humming along to every song that came on the radio. That was all you needed to hear.

Pelican Perch road was covered with leaves and natural debris, but the homes were well intact. As the car neared the end of the street, you caught a glimpse of your windsock swaying in the breeze. It was a miracle it hadn’t blown away.

Luke helped you with your bags in silence, a small exchange of smiles and brushing hands to fill in the empty space instead. This wasn’t how you wanted it to be. Yet, you never said anything.

Once the night crept in, you could no longer distract yourself with streaming movies through overused cellular data. The power was still out on the island. Everything in your fridge had gone bad, and your phone was near death by ten o’clock. And the winds, despite the long-gone storm, carried on.

You slipped on a pair of flip-flops—never mind the wet, sandy dirt caked around the edges—and walked over to Luke’s. The bugs were especially loud that night. There were no lights to guide you, no way of knowing where you were stepping, and then something hit you. Someone.

“Jesus,” he muttered, gripping your elbow to balance you.

“Luke?”

“It’s me.”

You set your hand on his arm just to feel him. His hold on you never left. “What’re you doing out here?”

“Well—” His hand slipped down to your wrist as he chuckled. Beautiful. “Comin’ to find you, I guess. You okay?”

“I’ve got a hankering for ice cream, but it’s all melted,” you said. “But I don’t suppose your freezer is working anyway. I just didn’t wanna be alone.”

“Me either, darling.”

“Darling. That’s nice.”

“Yeah?”

“I like it.”

He stepped closer to you, slow hands finding yours.

“Coming to find me, huh?” you asked.

Luke hummed and set his forehead on yours. Now, you didn’t know what to say. You figured it was best to not say anything at all. You leaned into the kiss and allowed his lips to mold against yours. Every moment you were apart was replaced with another kiss, excelling in desperation and satisfying any need through its touch. It was heavenly and full of heat and desire.

He cupped your cheek, pressing himself closer to you as he deepened the kiss one last time. You were breathless and cold without him near.

“I still owe you cupcakes, don’t I?” he asked quietly. You could see his smile through the night.

“At least two dozen by now.”

His chuckle filled your heart with warmth. “Anything for you, love. Would you like to come inside?”

You tightened your grip in his hand. “Gladly.”

—

hey! thanks for reading! since i haven’t been in the game for a while, i’m gonna tag a few ppl, if that’s ok! @goth5sos @irwinkitten @sublimehood @softforcal @cxddlyash @wildflowergrae hi y’all <3

284 notes · View notes

nowoyas · 4 years

Text

Stop Counting

A/N: day 27 of the Izumonth server collab hosted by @birds-have-teeth! this one is pretty much just a lovechild of me and my absolute adoration for Skies of Arcadia, an old JRPG and one of my favorite games of all time, hence *sky* pirate instead of just, like, regular pirate Izuku. this fic was initially intended to end with a big old NSFW sequence but I couldn’t make myself like it. if I ever make myself like it I’ll probably post that section as a sequel/alternate ending!

Summary: You are one of many captured by the Empire and forced to work dangerous jobs aboard their ships. Izuku and the other members of his crew raid your ship in search of things to sell and gold to take, and leave with you. (sky pirate!izuku x reader)

Warnings: angst. there’s a sad dog. at this point you can assume if I wrote a fic there is probably swearing somewhere.

Word count: 4700+

Something is wrong.

You don't know what. You can't know what. But the men holding you aboard this ship are running and shouting even more than usual (which is saying a lot). The ship shook about sixty breaths ago, which is becoming less of a good method of time-keeping now that you're starting to feel more scared than you're used to and your breathing is quickening.

You live in this engine room. When you are told, you add fuel to the fire for the men on the ship. You try to keep time. You count your breaths as best you can. Every eleven thousand breaths or so, with steady breathing, you receive food. You sleep only when a guard allows it. You thank the moons that they aren't working you to your total death.

You have worked in this ship for a very long time.

A very long time, and yet, no time at all, because you no longer have a way to tell the time, other than your breaths. And in this very long time, you've never once heard the men running around like this.

Footsteps are approaching your door. Many, lighter than those of the armored men who feed you or guard you. And it isn't time for you to receive food.

So who is approaching your door, you wonder?

The footsteps stop in front of your door, and after a moment, you hear muffled voices.

"I don't know, maybe we can get some extra fuel for our ship while we're here, too."

The voice is unfamiliar. So unfamiliar, in fact, that familiar feelings well up in you. You're no amnesiac: you remember what life used to be like for you, what the sky looked like, how it felt to talk and have friends and family, though you've long forgotten who those friends and family were. Most importantly, you remember hearing stories of (and even once meeting!) rogue pirates who raid Empire ships.

Empire ships like the one you have lived on for so long you only mostly remember what it felt like to gaze upon the moons.

"I think you're wasting time. How are we going to get the door open, anyway?"

"I-I think I can pick the lock!"

Your body moves without thinking, and you nearly launch yourself at the door, raising your fists to pound against the metal as you search for your voice. "A-are you guys rogues? Please get me out of here! Please!" The strain on your throat forces you to cough, and you fall to the floor, landing roughly on your knees as you cough up a lung from sheer stress.

"Someone's in there!"

"I'm working on it!"

You don't realize you're sobbing in your spot, not when the door swings open wide, not until you're being cradled against someone's chest and helped to your feet.

"Hey, you're okay. You're free now. We're taking over this ship."

The dam officially breaks. Clutching at this kind stranger's top, you begin to sob. He struggles a bit in your hold, wriggling around until he's shucked off his jacket and draped it over your nearly bare shoulders. "For now, come with us, and we'll help you decide what to do from there, okay?"

You whimper pathetically, subconsciously snuggling into his hold and his jacket as you look up at his face and nod. Your savior is a man with a boyish face, unruly green hair, and freckles across his cheeks the way you remember the stars. He smiles down at you as reassuringly as he can.

"My name's Izuku. Can you walk?"

Another nod. "I-I don't know the way out," you borderline whisper, voice unbearably hoarse. "I haven't been outside of this room in... a long time."

He nods. "We're gonna gather up some of this ship's fuel. Stay close to me, I'll protect you. The Empire can't touch you now."

Izuku Midoriya isn't quite sure how to feel about the latest raid. The Empire ship was full of guards, full of fuel and food, not so full of gold. They took what was valuable, and left.

And then there's you.

This is hardly the first time Izuku's boarded a ship in his time. He's done plenty with his crew, and learned quite a lot. But it never truly hit him just how unjust the Empire was until he found you. You're obviously malnourished, dressed in tattered clothes that barely cover anything important and covered in a layer of grime that stubbornly remained even after your first attempts to clean it off. The girl who'd gone with you to help you wash up must have scrubbed the skin raw, and yet you still look shaken, skin stained from skies only know how long you spent locked in that engine room. Your hair, precariously long from time spent with no way to cut it, has been drawn back into a bun.

Now, while the rest of the crew is drinking and feasting, you stand off in the corner, hands at your sides as you breathe slowly. You're not even watching the fun, eyes closed. Izuku's jacket swamps your malnourished form–how long it must have been since you had a decent meal, and you're just standing in the corner while the others eat.

He's heard stories, sure. The Empire captures people from conquered settlements, usually the healthiest, and puts them to work in manufacturing or dangerous, unfun jobs like adding fuel to ship furnaces. Usually, these people go mad after not much time, or when they're freed, they throw themselves into the sky or refuse to leave the engine rooms. You'd hesitated at first, but once you were out of the room, he kept you close at hand, one point of contact at all times until you were safely below decks of The Crescent.

With a huff, Izuku stands, grabbing a plate of food and walking over to you. "H-hey, um."

You open your eyes, watching him curiously as he thrusts the plate of food towards you in offering.

"I know it's scary right now, but everyone on the crew really is good. You should eat something, and come sit down, i-if you want? I don't even know your name yet; I'd like to talk to you, if I can."

You look down at the plate of food for a long moment, and then back up to him. You speak in a meek voice, so quiet and hoarse that he has to lean in to hear you. "[Name]..."

"[Name]," he repeats, testing it on his tongue. "Your name?"

"I think so. It's been... A very long time. Since I had one."

"It's a good name. D-do you want to come up to the deck with me to eat? It's probably been a while since you saw the sky, and I bet these guys are pretty overwhelming when they're drinking."

"Okay, I-Izuku."

Without another word, you follow him up to the deck of the ship. He'll get you out of your shell yet.

Before long, you find yourself cleaning the ship whenever you can to help out. You've been aboard the Crescent for a week now—Izuku is sure to check in on you often, and with his help, you've started to integrate yourself into talking more with the rest of the crew, and last night, you even ate with everyone. After a week of baths and attempts to scrub yourself clean of engine room grime, you finally feel clean, light in a way you're sure you've never experienced.

Some of the crew members banded together to find you a full outfit to wear instead of your previous rags–you look rather like a street rat wearing a rogue's clothes now, instead of your previous pure rattiness. Izuku hasn't asked for his jacket back, and so it remains with you, a strange source of comfort as you find new places on the ship to hide.

Right now, though, you aren't hiding. When Izuku comes looking for you, he finds you cleaning the bridge, eyes glued to the sky rather than your work. It's a cool night–a sniff of the air suggests incoming rain.

"Hey, [name]," he says as he approaches. He's learned quickly to approach slowly—you tend towards the startled animal around sudden noises, and no one wants that. You nod your acknowledgement. "The Captain's looking for you. You should get inside, anyways, I think it's gonna rain soon."

You stand, tearing your eyes away from the sky regretfully. "I-I see."

"Sorry to tear you from your stargazing." He offers an apologetic smile, which you take with your usual nod. "It must be strange, to be able to just look at the sky after everything that's happened to you."

"Mm. It's prettier than I remember. I missed it."

"You seem to be recovering well, though! I'm impressed by how well you're doing already."

"Recovering," you breathe. "Right."

You find the captain in his own cabin, where he's poring over some maps and marking something down that you don't know enough about to comment on. He looks up at your intrusion, and instinctively, you step closer to Izuku.

You're not sure how to feel about the captain. Sometimes, he's larger than life itself, loud and showy. When he's not, it's as though he compensates, becoming small, sharp, and calculating. No matter how he's acting, he looks at you in a way that scares you even though there's always compassion there. Granted, you feel vaguely uncomfortable around literally everyone aboard the Crescent, but somehow it's worse around Captain Yagi.

"Ah, [name], come in!" He seems to be in his soft-spoken mode—you stay rooted to the spot, hands coming up to pull your jacket tighter around your shoulders. Izuku telegraphs his movements, placing a hand on the small of your back to help you understand that you're being asked to come stand at the table with Captain Yagi.

'What did you ask to see me for?', you want to say. Instead, you manage a painfully quiet, "you looked for me."

He nods sheepishly. "Please, sit down. Izuku, my boy, you may stay if you wish. If I'm not mistaken, [name] seems a bit more comfortable with you around."

The two of you take your seats, and Captain Yagi sits across from you. "Now then. I'm not sure how much you've been told, [name], but typically, when we find captives such as yourself aboard Empire ships, we try to return them to their homes or, if we can't, bring them someplace to start a new life. But, from what I've heard from the other crew members, you don't have any place to go, is that right?"

You nod, biting your lip. Your eyes scan the map on the table. None of it looks remotely familiar to you. "I don't remember enough. Um... Maybe a harbor town. There were lots of boats. But that was so long ago, even if I were to return, I don't remember anyone who was there."

He sighs. "I figured you might have spent too long in captivity to remember much. Did they ever once let you out of that room?"

"If I wanted to eat, I had to go wait in the side room I slept in until they put my food down and left."

Izuku's eyes flash in recognition. "Are you talking about that broom closet in the engine room? You slept there?" he asks, his voice pitching with anger.

You cringe, moving to hide in your jacket. "I'm sorry."

The hand resting on your back smooths over carefully in small circular motions. It's almost calming. "Hey, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the people who did that to you. You're okay."

"I apologize if I've brought up unpleasant memories, child. We could use someone aboard the Crescent to help keep things clean, and our cooks could use the helping hand. If you're aboard the ship, you help out. That's our main rule. If you'd like, we can let you onto our crew for a time, so you can leave if we happen to find your old home to return to."

"Okay."

"My boy, young [name] here is the most comfortable around you. Can I formally ask that you show them the ropes and help them get accustomed to the ship?"

"I can help with the engines if you need it," you say. "If the Crescent has a similar engine."

He smiles, shakes his head. "No, my dear. If possible, we'd like to keep you from ever entering an engine room again. You've spent quite enough time around them, for sure."

"Oh. Alright. Thank you, Captain."

"If I may ask, how often did those Imperials actually feed you? You don't have to answer, I'm just curious."

"Every eleven thousand breaths," you reply automatically. "If I was lucky. Sometimes, they forgot."

"Eleven thousand... Breaths?"

You nod. "I keep steady breathing. I needed some semblance of time. No natural light in the engine room. So I count my breaths, always. The people on this ship seem to sleep after around six thousand, seven hundred breaths, based on what I've seen. Eleven thousand breaths seems to be about one day cycle."

"You're still counting?" Captain Yagi raises an eyebrow.

"Yes. It's... A little compulsive at this point. I start over at eleven thousand, make a mark on the wall of my sleep room to keep track. Or did."

Izuku shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "[Name], the walls of that room were covered in marks. I don't think any of us could have counted how many there were, even if we did have the time. Were those the number of days you spent there?"

"I'm lucky," you say, shrugging. "One of the others said that on other Empire ships, you're lucky to be fed half as often."

"Well, you can stop counting now. You're free to do whatever you want, so long as you offer us a helping hand as you have been, and we eat several times a day."

For the longest moment, you don't respond. You simply watch Captain Yagi's face in disbelief. You're not sure what to do with freedom.

"Did you hear me, [name]?"

"Yeah. I can stop counting. I can finally... Stop counting."

It isn't long before Izuku begins teaching you your way around a sword in his spare time. You blend in to the crew beautifully, and as time goes, you begin to actually fill your clothes and your skin, starting to occupy any amount of space in the room. You come out of your shell, start to wear Izuku's jacket instead of hiding in it. You come ashore when they stop at various islands, never straying far from the crew, but you never recognize the places that you're taken to. After several months, you ask to join in on a raid, your skills with a sword becoming admirable, and captain Yagi agrees to let you take part.

The raid goes swimmingly. In celebration and to fence off the goods retrieved from yet another Empire ship, the Crescent docks at a harbor town Izuku told you was one of his favorites to visit.

The moment you step off the ship, you know where you are. The streets are familiar, the faces moreso, but you're not delighted at your return home. You let your hair (having been cropped short for function some time ago, but still more than long enough) fall in your face, keep your eyes on your feet, and stick close to Izuku as always.

"About three years back, the Empire hit this place pretty hard," Izuku says, walking you down the streets. The buildings around you aren't quite as familiar; they're in the wrong places, the wrong colors, too new and too... different. "That was right after my first time visiting here. We had no idea until months later, when we came back to re-visit and the place had been nearly burnt to the ground."

Your voice doesn't want to come when you call on it to respond, as though speaking will break the magic and send you all the way back to the engine room. Still, you must respond. You don't want to be rude, even if Izuku has been nothing but patient and caring with you. "Did you ever find out what happened?"

"We got the general gist of it, but there's not a lot to tell." Izuku's brow is creased with something a lot like pain that quickly fades away when he continues to speak. "The Empire heard this was a place that was friendly to pirates, and they decided to show them what happens to pirates and their friends. If you've ever questioned what we're doing, going against the Empire... this is a pretty good reminder of why."

"Right." Faces come up in your memory, dusty from disuse, but some of them almost seem to match those you see in market stalls, selling fruit to strangers.

"It's been amazing, watching this place rebuild since then. They've got a lovely little community here, y'know? We've been helping when we can, sometimes when we board we help out with labor or money, if they need it. Every time I come back, they've fixed up a different building or there's new faces settling down. One thing hasn't really changed since they started rebuilding, though."

Izuku comes to a stop at the end of a street, and you feel your chest restrict at the sight. What he's looking at, and now what you're looking at, is the rubble of what was once a very familiar house. You can almost see the house that used to stand there, simple and unassuming but so much like home. You can almost see a younger sibling running out of the door, one of the few remaining things standing among the rubble.

"[Name]?"

Izuku watches as you step forward, almost in a trance as you stand in the rubble and trace your fingers along what's left of the walls, what used to be a living room, still with a dusty old chair sitting near a fireplace in near-perfect condition.

"[name]? Are you okay?" Izuku asks, following you into the remains of the house.

"What do you think happened to the people who used to live here?" you ask, voice quiet. Quiet even for the you that's timid, even for the you that's waiting for everything to go wrong again.

He frowns. "There was no one willing to rebuild this house. I remember hearing the daughter was dragged away aboard an Imperial ship, but I never heard anything about the rest of the family."

A sudden bark snaps both of you out of your somber mood, followed shortly by your own shriek as a large, fluffy dog tackles you to the ground. "H-hey! Get off of me!" you whine, pushing the torrent of fur and drool off so you can sit up.

"Are you alright?" Izuku asks as he helps you up, brushing dust off you carefully.

"Harley! Harley, where did you run off to?" a familiar voice calls. A painful, familiar girl enters the room—you know her face, know her voice too well. You let your hair fall in your face and pull your jacket around your shoulders, keeping your eyes locked on the dog. "Oh? What are you two pirates doing in the old [surname] house? There's nothing here for you."

Izuku steps forward. Looking at his back, you almost feel calm. "Sorry, my friend wanted to explore a bit. We didn't mean to intrude."

The girl sighs—you can't remember her name. Why can't you remember her name? "Sorry about Harley. His family owned this place, so I think he gets protective of it."

"What happened to his family?" you ask, instinctively forcing your voice into a lower tone than normal.

She frowns, eyes roaming the mottled walls, the broken-down furniture. "My best friend and her family used to live here. We're not sure where they are now, honest. They all got taken away or killed during an Empire raid."

Your stomach flips. "I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe they're still alive out there." Harley jumps up, placing his paws on your waist and barking. You pet his head to soothe him.

"We've got graves for all of them. Everyone knows no one comes back after the Empire takes 'em, after all. There's no bodies for them, but we left this house up to honor them. A reminder, I guess. Of what we're fightin' for."

But I came back, you want to say. I'm here, not in a grave, not fallen into the sky. I'm here.

You don't respond. Izuku apologizes to the girl again, and when she goes to leave, Harley whines and stays by your side.

"Harley, come on," she insists. Harley whines again, licking your hand and following her to the door. The large dog pauses, looking back at you with sad eyes, before finally turning and leaving.

The crew stays in the town overnight. You find yourself sleepless and restless as you stare at the ceiling of the inn. You need a better view if you're going to relax.

You throw on your clothes and go for a walk.

The night is cool, and although you've grown a little dependent on Izuku's presence, these streets are familiar. You know why, now, without a degree of doubt.

You lived here once. Your feet take you, aimlessly, but perhaps not so aimlessly, to the orchard, without need for lights or a map. It's intrinsic to you—you never had much cause to visit the orchard itself, but you can almost remember making this walk before, the memory brushing against your fingertips. A hundred and twenty breaths finds you standing in a secluded overlook filled with fruit trees, each tree bearing a plaque with a name and age.

Natural headstones.

The headstones bear fruit. The fruit feeds the town for free, and, thanks to the Empire raid, there's likely enough fruit to trade, too. The dead are cremated, their ashes used to bolster the growth of the trees, and they continue to support the community while the community honors them.

Your grave is easy to find. It's the first among a stretch of trees of similar age, bearing [favorite fruit] even now. They're even ripe—you delicately pull one off, reading the plaque with a somber glance as you rub the fruit clean with your sleeve.

[Full Name]

Age 24

Taken away in an Empire Raid.

With a sigh, you venture to the back of the orchard, where the overlook provides a beautiful view of the sky. The horizon stretches out endlessly, dotted occasionally with distant islands. You never dreamed you'd actually get to be part of that horizon someday. You're not sure you wanted it the way you eventually got it.

"I kinda thought I'd find you here."

You don't turn to greet him, leaning on the fencing with a sigh. "Izuku. Shouldn't you be getting some rest?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Me neither." You wonder if you should tell him. Surely Izuku could sort through the conflict bubbling in your heart. Instead, you offer him the [favorite fruit] you picked without an explanation. "Do you want to see the most peaceful place in town?"

"It's not the graveyard?" he asks. He accepts the fruit, slipping it into his pocket.

You shake your head. "No. There's a place to stargaze near here."

"Lead the way." He raises an eyebrow, expression almost not visible under the dark of night. The light of the moon guides you, and you take Izuku through a small cave not far from town. It leads out into a small grotto, not a sign of human life in sight, simply grass and the light of the moon and the stars filtering through an opening overhead.

"Wow," he exhales, staring up at the sky. "This place is beautiful."

You nod. "Did you want to talk about what's keeping you up?"

"Well, for one thing, I got worried," he admits. "About you, I mean. Ah! N-not that you can't take care of yourself or anything like that. You've just been... Off, today. I was just gonna check on you, since you were off to sleep before most everyone got back from the tavern, but then you... Weren't there."

"Thanks for worrying about me." You take a seat in the grass, which quickly becomes laying down. Izuku lays on his back next to you, and you begin to watch the stars. "...can I ask you kind of a weird question?"

"Mm?"

"What... What do you want to do?" You're unsure of yourself even in asking the question, but you ask it all the same.

"R-right now, or in general?"

"In general."

He exhales a sigh, only the moon could tell you why, and answers thoughtfully. "I want to captain my own ship someday. Someday soon. Captain Yagi is amazing, but when I look at you and I look at towns like this, I can't help but feel like we need to do more. We may have stopped one ship in a raid, but how many more do you think there are?"

"Thousands," you answer. "Tens of thousands, even."

"I want to get my own ship, and take out the problem from the top. The Empire hurts so many people, more than it helps."

"I'd go with you," you say.

He sighs. "I don't think I'd like to risk you like that. Are you sure you'd be able to handle it?"

"I'm strong, you know. Usually, the people they take don't survive, right? They never return to their hometowns. But I'm here. I returned."

The smallest gasp leaves him, eyes flicking to you. "Are you saying—"

You nod quietly. "This isn't the first time I've been here. I know these streets, know these people. They even planted a grave for me, with my name on it."

"[name], that's great! You can finally go home, you can—"

"I don't want to."

And there it is.

Just saying the words feels like a punch to the gut, but for some reason, you keep going. "You've been so kind to me, always looking out for me, teaching me how to fit in to the crew and act like a pirate. You've helped me a lot, and my days are better because you are always in them. I don't want to go back. My family was taken by the Empire, and I... I don't have anything to go back to. I don't even remember who I was the last time I was here."

"[name]..."

You drag your eyes from the stars to Izuku, sighing as you find within yourself what you need to admit—to yourself, to him, to the world as you know it.

"I want to stay with you. I want to sail the world with you, fight back against the Empire that ruined my life but gave me a new one at your side. I don't remember much about myself, but I know I always longed for adventure. And now adventure's here, but the Captain probably wants me to return to my home. I don't belong in a sleepy little harbor rebuilding from the rubble, Izuku. I belong in the skies."

He's silent for a long moment. When he speaks, one warm hand searches for yours, fingers slotting among your own with a gentle squeeze. "H-how do you mean you want to stay with me?

"I'd follow you to the depths of the sky, to the farthest reaches, if only you'll let me." You squeeze his hand back. "Not because you're the one who eventually saved me. You're an amazing person. One who cares. I don't know if you'll ever stop caring, not before you die. I'll stay by your side in whatever capacity you'll have me."

"T-then... Can I kiss you?" He props himself up on one elbow, moonlight casting an almost ethereal glow on him.

You nod, and he closes the distance between you, letting go of your hand to gently caress your cheek.

One small kiss turns to two. Two quickly becomes uncountable, until you're melting and gasping beneath him, his lips trailing your jaw, your neck, along the neckline of the jacket you're wearing (his jacket, always his jacket), until he's forced to pause.

"How far do you want to take this?" he whispers, as if there's any reason to keep quiet.

You press a sweet kiss to his lips, threading a hand through his hair. "Didn't I already say that I'd follow wherever you'll lead me?"

Tags: @tooloudarts @sapid-rose @xxangelpridexx @birds-have-teeth @icythotsenpai @warmchoccymilk @wesparklebitch @izoodles @fujimoribaby @my-bnha-things @denise-the-death-goddess @themerpenguin @sincerebubbles @fudobaby

#midoriya izuku x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #bnha x reader #my fics #I don't feel great about this but I feel better about it than my last fic for this month lmao

234 notes · View notes

devak66 · 4 years

Text

The Visit

Time for the third tale from the AU. This one involving tubbo visiting dream ooooo

Word count: 1383

The pop of lava was about the only thing he heard as the bridge he was on led him to his destination. Tubbo didn’t want to do this but he needed answers. The mode of transportation suddenly stopped once it reached the end. The maximum containment cell. Tubbo stepped off the bridge, keeping his gaze on the man inside as the bridge moved back to the other side of the lava moat. Once it reached where it had started, Sam called out “Once the lava is back down you'll be able to talk to the prisoner. Tubbo simply nodded. He was starting to regret this idea as he felt the lava pouring behind him, the residual heat on his back. He looked at the other in the cell, the divider had retracted as the lava had completely covered the entrance to the cell. The prisoner was first to speak

“I wasn't expecting you of all people to come visit me” Dream spoke, his expression unreadable from behind the mask. Tubbo was honestly surprised he got to keep it, seeing how Sam had been so thorough about nothing being brought into the prison. Tubbo honestly didn't know what to say. This man had done so much and Tubbo had prepared so many questions so he did not get overwhelmed in panic of being so close to the man who had threatened his last life. “So, are you here to gloat? You’ve finally won”

At that point, Tubbo had finally found his voice “No. I actually need to ask you some questions”

“Oh? About what? About how I sleep at night? The answer is not as well as i used to”

“No” Tubbo repeat “I want to specifically ask you about Ranboo” This caught Dream off guard, before he could question why, Tubbo added “He had a dreamonic transformation and i want to know if you were involved with that.. Somehow”

“He.. he actually transformed” There was a hint of a smile in Dream’s voice. Not a mocking or cruel tone.. If anything.. It seemed proud “What triggered the transformation?” he asked Tubbo

“I.. thought it had something to do with you,” Tubbo was worried about what Dream would say. He had been mad at how willing to attack Fundy had been, but he was right. If Ranboo is as dangerous as any other dreamon.. He’d have to be dealt with.

Dream shook his head “That’s not how dreamons work. The first dreamonic transformation, well technically any to a dreamon not trained to control it, has an emotional state that will trigger it. It can be anything from wanting to defend themself to simply stress. So. What caused his transformation?”

“I, in all honesty, have no clue” Tubbo admit “Fundy messaged me about a dreamon and when i got there i found Ranboo like that”

Dream was getting angry with what he heard “you have to be fucking kidding me”

“What is it?” Tubbo was concerned

“I told fundy about Ranboo in a moment of damn trust” Dream said “what im fucking saying is Fundy probably asked him questions that he couldnt answered and caused the fucking transformation” Dream was getting pissed, the roots of his hair starting to go white. Dream noticed Tubbo starting to back away and took a deep breath to calm down, his hair going back to its normal light brown color “I’m calm. I’m good” Dream assured. He put a hand to the mask and traced along the crack going down the middle to part way past the center.

“I have a few more questions for you, if you don’t mind answering them” Tubbo was terrified at the idea of a potential dreamonic transformation when he had no potential of getting out safely

“Go ahead. I have nothing better to do” Dream said “When you’re done I’ll have a little offer for you”

Tubbo didn’t ask what that could mean, and immediately asked the first of the questions “What did you tell Fundy?”

“Simple. I told Fundy about Ranboo’s other half, which is dreamon”

“How did you know it?”

“Dreamons can… sense it” Dream lied “Dreamons have a magical aura that normal folk cannot notice”

“If that’s true, you'd be able to say if there’s another dreamon in the area” Tubbo wished he had been able to bring a book, this information is incredibly valuable and if he could had taken notes on it

“Yes. But why would i tell you, dreamon hunter?” Dream is glad Tubbo hadn’t noticed the amount of lies Dream had made. Because, why would he lie? He’s not leaving. But he’s not lying for himself. If anyone knew that Ranboo was his brother… who knows what the people would do to him

“Why did you get so mad about what Fundy did?”

“I… Um.. cant let my pawn and fellow dreamon get hurt” Dream said, thankful that he had his mask to hide his expression for that blatant lie

Tubbo frowned “You know Fundy told me what you had told him”

Dream didn’t respond. How to get out of this situation… “I know Ranboo is your brother,” Tubbo said, studying Dream’s body language. He couldn’t read his face, because of the mask, so he’d have to find other ways to analyze how he’s feeling in the moment or if he’s lying

“That could have been a lie,” Dream said. He’s definitely tense but trying to not be too obvious

“But why would you say something like that” Tubbo replied almost immediately “I know how you are, green man, but i don't see the strategic point in telling him. On top of denying it afterwards. Maybe you told him and regret it afterwards”

“If you know me so well, you know how i'm always a step ahead of you”

“But i also know that even you can make mistakes. And your biggest mistake for this conversation was showing how protective you are of Ranboo” Tubbo grinned. Checkmate

Dream was quiet for a few moments before he sighed “fine. You got me. But put yourself in my shoes. The tyrant that is hated by all, if people knew ranboo was my little brother, how do you think that would go? It would be a repeat of everyone finding out who your father is'' he said blatantly

Now it was Tubbo’s turn to be quiet “But all you did to him”

“What i did was all for a reason. I don't need to explain myself to you” He took a deep breath “You said little Tantabus had a dreamonic transformation?”

“Tant-”

“You’ll want my help to help train him” Dream said “his dreamonic state will be difficult to keep in check without it, and i don't mean emotional training. Let me do this” “No..”

“You need me!”

“I don’t! Fundy snapped him out fine without you” Tubbo said

“How”

“You don't need to know”

“How did he snap him out, Tubbo” Dream was stern, staring at the goat hybrid

“By reminding him who he is” Tubbo replied, which made Dream laugh

“It’s not that easy. You need me. Ranboo was just tired, that's why he reverted to normal form”

“No!”

“Tubbo. You don't understand all i've done for ranboo! Let me do this!”

“NO! Just stop!”

“I’ve done everything for him! The lies i’ve said to keep him safe, the lives i've ruined to keep him safe- this.. this isn't helping, is it”

Tubbo was backing away “No.. i can't”

“Think about it, please. I'm not your enemy in this situation. I just want to help Ranboo.. I’ve missed him” Dream pleaded

“Sam!” Tubbo called out to the warden, he was done with this visit

“Tubbo.” Dream tried

A voice spoke over the PA system “are you done talking to the prisoner”

“Think about it.. Please… i want to help” Dream said

Tubbo kept his gaze on the masked prisoner “Yeah, Sam, i'm ready” He looked away from Dream.

It took a few minutes for Tubbo to be brought out of the maximum security cell. Sam studied the smaller male “Did everything go well?” Tubbo simply nodded, he had a lot on his mind. Sam led the way out of the prison, after a few minutes of walking, Tubbo piped up

“Hey.. Sam? Can I ask you something?”

41 notes · View notes

lexieelouuu11 · 4 years

Text

HC: Peter Parker didn’t know he was Bi until Harley Keener

So this took a turn I wasn’t expecting, also it’s a lot longer than I was expecting I’m sorry also Idk how to do the cut thing so my bad

TW: Mentions of Rape

Okay so Peter Parker is *Straight*

He likes girls, really likes girls

He literally went on a date with Liz (it may have ended with her moving away bc he put her dad in jail but that’s besides the point)

And he may have had a brief crush on MJ

So Peter Parker is *Straight*

Boys are gross, and trust Peter he knows

He doesn’t ever want to think of men in a sexual matter

He 10/10 supports anyone who comes out to him

But anytime he thinks about how boys could possibly be into him, his brain immediately goes to Skip Wescott

And how Peter was 9 when it started and that he never wants to be in a position like that again

It was horrible and scary, and Peter Parker likes women and only women, and he will never be anyone’s Skip. And he will never put himself in a position where there can be another Skip.

So Peter Parker thinks men suck.

(Obviously beside Ned and Mr Stark, they’re cool, but Peter has known Ned forever and Mr Stark is literally a super hero, and Peter only became such a huge fan of Iron Man and Tony Stark because of what happened)

His therapist tells him it was his way of coping with what happened

Then one day Happy picks Peter up at school on an non-lab day because Mr. Stark has someone that he wants Peter to meet

Peter really hopes its the Black Widow (because they’re both spider themed heroes !! how cool !!!)

Peter meets Mr Stark and this mystery person in the living room

Mr Stark introduces Peter Parker to Harley Keener

Harley Keener looks hot good, hes tall and wears a leather jacket and cowboy boots with skinny jeans. He looks so out of place, but he doesn’t look bothered by it either

Peters heart skips a beat, but Peter chalks it up to be anxiety

“Hey there Peter, I’m Harley”

Oh my god he has an accent, an actual southern accent

And doesn’t that just make Peters heart race

“Tony here tells me you’re a real Einstein” He laughed

Harley laughed. Peter is not laughing

Peter hears his blood rushing, and feels himself go cold. His spidey-sense is just going off

Peter looks to Mr Stark whose smile falters at the look of pure-fear on Peters face

Mr Stark doesn’t know. Peter never told him. Any files about what happened never include Peters name, or any family members name, so Mr Stark wouldn’t have stumbled on it, unless he went into Peter’s Therapists notes, which he hasn’t because he may be nosy but he isn’t invasive

Peter knows what this is, he knows he’s going into a panic attack. He was triggered and he needs to get out. Out out out before anything can happen

“So-sorry, I’ve gotta, I gotta go, something came up wi-with May. It was um, it was nice meeting you Harley.”

Peter left, and made it back home, though he doesn’t remember how he made it from Manhattan to Queens and into his apartment.

He’s home and it’s not the safest place, can’t go into his bedroom but it’s better than there

Tony beat him to the apartment (without Harley), already sitting with May when Peter walks in

May is quick to give Peter his favourite over-sized sweater (it makes him feel safe) sitting him down in the living room, putting a knit blanket over him, and giving a bottle of water.

“Pete, you okay kid?” Mr Stark asks

And Peter is fine, he always has been, so he nods

“Do you want to talk about why you were triggered into a panic attack” His voice is soft as he speaks to Peter, like Peter would break

May sits next to Peter, pulling him into her

“Adrian Toomes was not the first person Spider-Man sent to jail” Peter started the story like this because it was easier to tell it, his therapist may not be happy with it but she’ll be happy he’s making progress by telling some

“Spider-Man was 11 when he sent his first person to jail. It was a year long trial, one kid versus one 18 year old. He used to call Spider-Man, Einstein”

Peter seemed to be done with his explanation after this, deeming it enough information for Tony to understand what happened

It wasn’t

But May sending a text that said “Search Skip Wescott” gave Tony the opportunity to find out what happened later

(Tony is really pissed when he reads what happens, and makes sure Skip get transferred to worst prison and that he can never leave)

“Okay, Pete, I’ll talk to Harley about not calling you that. But Harley will be going to the same school as you, okay? That’s why I wanted you two to meet.”

After that first night Peter goes back to being his usual chipper self

And Harley starts at Midtown

Peter was just rounding the corner outside of the school to see Harley getting dropped off by Happy

After a moment of hesitation Peter went up to Harley and offered to help him on his first day (because Peter will not let his overwhelming fear take over and he will be friendly for the sake of Mr Stark and that is all)

Despite Peter’s uneasiness and distrust Peter and Harley get on like a house on fire

Peter started to feel really close to Harley, and Harley would often throw his arm around Peter’s shoulder and call him things like sugar, or sweet thing or darling

And Peter liked that a lot, except he didn’t because it was weird (but he really did)

And Peter would always go tomato red whenever Harley was around

Even Ned and MJ recognized the crush Peter had on Harley and vice versa

“Dude when are you going to make a move on him?”

“What the fuck, Ned? I’m straight, Harley and I are friends”

“Peter are you being serious right now? You both obviously have a crush on each other. Harley knows you like him too.”

“The fuck MJ, I expected you to be more understanding about this. We are friends. Maybe I come off as gay to you because I choose to respect people and am not the exact definition of a ‘toxic male,’ but I don’t fucking like you guy assuming that I like men. Men ain’t shit and I’m not going to find myself in another situation like I used too. I like women”

“What’s your issue Peter? You homophobic now? Didn’t peg you as that.”

“Fuck MJ, this isn’t your business. I’m an ally, people love who they love, but I don’t like men, and you need to stop pushing that on me. I have my reasons, you have yours.”

“Peter, the way you’re going off on MJ isn’t really helping your point much-”

“Would the two of you just shut up about this. I don’t like other guys. Women are it for me. I will not be stuck under another man. Fuck, I’m straight and you need to stop pushing the idea that I’m into Harley just because you want me to live out your little fantasies of what my life should be like.”

Peter didn’t talk to them the rest of the day. Not because he was angry but because he was embarrassed that he said too much

At the tower Peter and Harley were cuddled together sitting next to each other watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and talking

Peter really loved Harley’s Blue eyes

And his accent

And his face

And Harley in general

But totally only in a friends way

They’re bros

“I want to try something real quick, you can tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am”

And then Harley kisses Peter

Harley Kisses him

And Peter freaks out

Without even thinking about it, Peter pushes Harley off of him and bolts, leaving the tower without his phone, shoes or bag, Peter just leaves

Once Peter gets outside he throws up, before his anxiety takes over again and he just runs and runs and runs

Harley is left now sitting on the ground, tears in his eyes, confused and hurt about what just happened

Tony makes it to Harley in record time thanks to Friday, and without a question Harley explains what happened

“I thought he liked me too, Tony, I really did. I don’t know how I messed up this bad.”

“I’m sorry Harls, Peter has been hurt a lot and I just don’t think he was ready yet emotionally for a relationship.”

Tony knows that Peter has probably just been triggered. He’s only heard Peter talk about girls romantically, never boys, but he was sure that Peter and Harley were going to be together at some point

Once Harley finally calms down enough and goes to his room Tony calls May

“May, is Peter with you, he left all his stuff here.”

“No, I thought he was staying with you tonight. what happened?”

“Harley kissed Pete, and he freaked out and ran out without any of his stuff, I was hoping he was with you. His phone is here too.”

“I think I know where he is, College Point Park. Ben and I used to take him there after any court date.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

“What about Harley?”

“He’s already asleep, I’ll meet you there.”

Tony and May get there in record time, finding Peter sitting on the rocks facing the East River.

“Peter?” May called out.

Peter turned around, his face clearly red, tears streaming down his face.

“I don’t understand” Peter finally said as May and Tony got close enough

“What don’t you understand?” Tony asked

“Harley kissed me. He kissed me. I expected to hate it. But I didn’t. I liked it when he kissed me. I should hate it though. He’s a boy. I shouldn’t have liked it.”

“Peter it’s okay if you liked Harley Kissing you, and it’s okay if you like him romantically too” May tried to comfort

“But it’s not May, because if I like Harley, and I like him kissing me then that means that I liked it when Skip kissed me. And I didn’t like anything he did to me.”

“Peter, I like when Pepper and I kiss, but that doesn’t mean that if May were to kiss me that I’d like it. Same thing goes for you kiddo.”

“I like girls though. I can’t like Harley.”

“You can like both boys and girls. You could be Bisexual or maybe not. No matter what it’s okay.” May said again.

“I need time. I can’t- I need Dr Rosenburg and I need to not be Spider-Man and I need to not see Harley or Ned or MJ. I need time.”

“Okay baby, you can have as much time as you need.”

Peter ends up taking a week off of school, with daily appointments with his therapist. He went completely ghost mode. Wasn’t active as Spider-Man, wasn’t active on social media. Didn’t read or respond to anyone’s messages. Only talking to May or Tony and only if they were at the apartment.

After his week off, Peter finally reappeared at school, still having not responded to anyone’s messages, preferring to just deal with things in person.

“Peter oh my god you’re alive we all thought you died.” Ned shouted from down the hall going to greet his friend, MJ and Harley in tow.

“I’m fine guys, I just had some stuff from the past come back up that needed to be dealt with before I did anything that would hurt other people.”

“What are you talking about Parker, you wouldn’t hurt a fly let alone anyone else.” MJ said confused

“I’ll tell you when I’m ready too but I’m not there yet. My therapist thinks I made good progress this week though.”

“Your therapist?” Ned asked.

“Uh yeah, sorry. MJ, Ned, I really messed up with how I treated you guys the other day, regarding my sexuality, turns out I may of been wrong and you guys were right, I just repressed any of those emotions due to trauma. So, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that.”

Ned and MJ obviously forgive Peter bc duh they’re friends

“I would like to talk to Harley privately though, so you guys wouldn’t mind?”

So Peter pulls Harley to the side finally getting the chance to talk to him, and wanted to say his words before he lost his nerves.

“Peter I’m sorry-”

“I liked when you kissed me. That’s why I freaked out. I didn’t think it was possible for me to like that, or men. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I wasn’t prepared and my brain automatically went to a dark place. I like you Harley Keener, but I have problems and I want you to be aware of that before we do anything.”

“Okay.”

“If we are going to try this I need you to be aware of my limits. I have a lot of them apparently, and I’m not sure if more will come up or not, but my therapist said that I should talk to you about this stuff before we do anything. If you still like me, that is.”

“Peter Parker you are too precious, of course I still like you, I don’t plan on not liking you for a while yet.”

And then Peter smiles and he feels relieved, because getting to this point took a lot of work and now he’s here and he likes a boy who likes him back who won’t hurt him

#parkner #parley #peter parker #peterparker #harleykeener #harley keener #bi peter parker #bi peter #irondad #spiderson #insecure #skipwescott #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #mcu

358 notes · View notes

turningwheeltarot · 4 years

Text

Healing anxiety has been an ongoing journey for me. I have learned a lot and come a long way over the years. I want to share some of the most important spiritual lessons that I have learned so far in hopes that it may help others who struggle with anxiety. I am not a medical professional and this is not meant to be a substitute for psychiatric advice or treatment. This is simply meant to be a sharing of what I have found to be effective for me. I approach this topic from a spiritual perspective as this is where my experience has been.

The Importance of a Daily Spiritual Practice

In order to heal anxiety, I believe a daily, committed spiritual practice of some kind is necessary. “Spiritual” can be substituted with other terms, such as “meditation” or “mindfulness” practice, if they resonate more with you. Committing to beginning each day with meditation and prayer has helped me to develop a strong inner foundation to root myself in. Before I made this commitment, I was like a house without a foundation at the mercy of whatever was going on around me.

A Course in Miracles is what I would consider to be my spiritual “home base.” The Course focuses primarily on thought. It is all about learning to undo a thought system based on fear -- which dominates this world -- and accept a thought system based on love instead. Anxiety is just one of the many ways the fear-based thinking of the world shows up. The Course states that its goal is the attainment of inner peace, and that this comes about only through changing our thinking: learning to choose the thoughts of love instead of the thoughts of fear. This is freedom from anxiety.

According to the Course, the root cause of suffering lies in the mind; we change the world we see by changing our minds about the world we see. This inward shift is made by surrendering fear-based thoughts to the Holy Spirit (or your Higher Self, the Universe, Source, etc.) and simply being willing to perceive differently. The Course assures that our willingness is all that’s required for healing to take place.

If you don’t already have a spiritual practice, I strongly encourage you to find one that resonates with you. A Course in Miracles is just one of endless options. Set the intention to find the right one for you and explore, and the right one will present itself. Some may already have a spiritual practice, but need to commit to making it a daily priority. Our egos try to convince us that we “don’t have the time,” but I promise that even just a few minutes a day will make a remarkable difference in your life.

Surrendering, Allowing, and Trusting

My journey with healing anxiety has revolved around learning how to surrender, allow, and trust in Spirit. When worry arises, I do my best to consciously surrender the anxious thought to Spirit as soon as possible. I find it helpful to visualize literally handing the worry up and into the hands of Spirit. I often envision the beautiful and serene Ace of Cups tarot card when I do this. Prayer is also a big part of my process. A simple but powerful prayer (inspired by A Course in Miracles) that I often say is: “Holy Spirit, I place this fear about (fill-in-the-blank) in your hands. Please take this from me. I am willing to see this differently.”

After surrendering, I focus on allowing the feelings that arise and breathing through them. With every exhale, I imagine myself continuously releasing whatever my fear is to Spirit. When I allow myself to feel my feelings, they are able to move through me. When I push them away, they become stuck within me. I am learning the art of not fighting difficult feelings like anxiousness, while also not dwelling on negative thoughts. I am learning how to be with discomfort and allow it to pass through me. And perhaps most importantly, I am learning how to trust.

My ongoing focus is on building and maintaining trust in Spirit. Trust is something that needs to be practiced. It’s not uncommon that I need to continually re-surrender, re-allow, and re-trust about the same issue. And that’s ok. Through committed practice, I am reprogramming my mind so that my first instinct is to trust rather than to fear. And the more I practice, the easier and more automatic it becomes.

The more intense and overwhelming the fear, the more intense the focus needs to be on surrendering, allowing, and trusting. When experiencing intense anxiety, try to get into surrender mode as fast as you can. Surrender the fear to Spirit and ask that it be taken from you. Get as quiet as possible and allow the fear to be there. Be with it to the best of your ability. Focus on breathing through it. Trust that it will pass and that clarity is coming. If you feel unable to practice this in times of intense anxiety, that’s ok. The more you make a habit of practicing this process with smaller issues, the easier it will become to practice when big ones come up.

I have realized that much of what causes anxiety within me is a deep inner resistance to what is: resistance to the present moment, resistance to my current circumstance, resistance to how I’m feeling, resistance to the anxiety itself (me telling myself I “shouldn’t” be feeling this way), and the belief that I need to be in control of everything -- which is resistance to life itself. I believe this is true of many people who suffer with anxiety.

I am amazed by the learning and healing that’s occurred as a result of my simple willingness to be made aware of resistance and let go of it. Ever since I set this specific intention, it’s been like peeling an onion. Deeper layers of resistance that I wasn’t previously aware of continue revealing themselves to me to be released.

“Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace is transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.” -- Eckhart Tolle

Disidentifying from and Disciplining the Mind

The root of anxiety is in the mind. One anxious thought is where it all begins. But the mind is not where the solution can be found. When I rely on my mind to “figure it all out,” it only leads to more anxiety. When I rely on the higher power that is within me, I find myself guided out of anxiety. I believe this is the deeper meaning of the Proverbs 3:5 Bible verse: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”

The mind is a useful tool that is meant to be used in service to Higher Consciousness. It is not meant to run the show. Mistaking myself for my thoughts and letting my thinking mind take the wheel is a sure way to get lost in an anxiety spiral. Mind-identification is anxiety. Learning to discipline my mind and let go of my identification with my thoughts has been a major part of my healing journey.

In order to be freed from anxiety and live a more conscious and peaceful life, it is necessary to practice observing thoughts and letting them go. In order to do this, identification with thought needs to be released too. You are not your thoughts. When you practice observing your thoughts instead of getting lost in them, you get in touch with who you really are at the deepest level -- the awareness behind your thoughts. The Observer. Then you are able to create space between your true Self and your thoughts, rather than becoming totally identified with them. So when anxious thoughts arise, it won’t be as easy for them to possess you.

Anxiety usually stems from fixating on the future or past. The present moment is all that’s real and is the only place where peace can be found. Zen Buddhist monk Shunryu Suzuki said, “Let thoughts come and go. Just don't serve them tea.” Letting thoughts come and go while continuously bringing my awareness back to the present moment allows me to slow down enough to recognize fearful thoughts when they arise -- which is half the battle. And it’s worth reiterating: daily meditation has been absolutely essential for me to develop and maintain the inner groundwork required to practice this.

Conscious breathing and redirecting my awareness from my mind to my body are some methods that help me let my thoughts go and return to the present. These methods also help me to process my feelings, including anxiety. Next time you feel anxious, explore where the feeling of anxiousness lives within your body. Feel into it. Breathe into it. Be with it. You may find the feeling dissolves surprisingly fast. You may also find that what the feeling dissolves into is peace.

Watching my words is another important mind-discipline practice. Words -- which stem from thoughts -- are powerful. They create our reality. I have realized that if I want to create a reality where I am free from anxiety, I need to stop identifying with anxiety as a part of who I am, allowing it to have power over me. That means I need to stop referring to myself as an “anxious person.” I need to stop saying things like “my anxiety.” I need to believe that I can be free from anxiety. And I need to replace negative, destructive self-talk with positive, healing self-talk. Mantras and positive affirmations can be extremely helpful and effective.

Self-Care

This is an ongoing healing process and it is so important to be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself along the way. Learning how to practice self-care, self-acceptance, and self-love is also a process. I am still learning what it means to love and accept myself.

How am I feeling right now? What do I need right now? How can I take care of myself right now? I try to check in by asking myself questions like this regularly. I am learning to honor feelings of overwhelm and worry as signals to stop, turn within, and practice self-care.

I spent much of my life terrified of my own fear. I believe this is true of many who struggle with anxiety. We fear that our fear is too big for us to handle. But the truth is that we are bigger than our fear. Much bigger. We are infinite souls having human experiences. I have come to realize that the fear within me is not the big, scary monster I used to believe it was. Rather, it is a scared little child simply in need of love.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Click here to check out my tarot-reading offerings

Follow me on Instagram

Follow me on Twitter

#anxiety #spirituality #healing anxiety #healing #spiritual healing #spiritual growth #spiritual journey #healing process #peace #emotional healing #a course in miracles #ACIM #eckhart tolle #presence #trust #faith #surrender

69 notes · View notes

wordsfromthesol · 4 years

Text

Replacement (2/2)

Pairing: Tim Drake x Reader Warnings: Language, uh...drama? But happy ending obviously. Word Count: 1.7k Requested: @beebosclique A/N: This ended up being way more intense than I planned...my bad.

Part One

You woke up in the Batcave infirmary. Your hands immediately shot up to your face. An audible sigh of relief escaped your lips once you felt the fabric of your mask against your hand. The next sound you heard…not so great.

“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!” Jason’s voice boomed.

Your eyes moved towards the sound, watching Jason’s figure hastily move towards your side. Once it registered that he was not in costume, you realized your identity may have been compromised after all. Before Jason could berate you further, another voice echoed through the room.

“This isn’t on her. Hell, she called me.”

“Because you were still a better option that Dick…” Jason’s voice mumbled.

“What…what happened?” Your voice finally croaked out.

“Right. Well when I got there some idiot had just shot you in midair. I took him out and brought you here.” Red Robin explained.

“Ravenger?”

“What?” Red Robin looked at you, brows furrowed.

“It’s that gang we busted up today Tim.” It took a minute for your brain to process what you had just done, but before you could explain Jason chimed in.

“Yeah, replacement here already knows who you are.”

“Your mask was in case any of the others came down…” Tim explained further once he noted the confusion in your eyes. Almost like he was summoned, Dick rounded the corner.

“I heard we had a guest.” Nightwing chimed. His head quickly jerked towards Jason, who was not in costume.

“We already know the whole…” Jason gestured towards you and then back at him. “Heard of the Ravengers, Nightwing?”

“Can’t say I have. They did this?”

“I think.” You muttered, trying to say as little as possible.

“I’ll run the guys prints.” Tim rose from your side, “Are you going to be okay?”

A faint smile spread across your face as you nodded up at him. A reaction that didn’t go unnoticed. Dick followed Tim out of the room, clearly elbowing him in the side. Jason was much more upfront.

“Uhm, what did I miss? When I said you might like him, I did not mean like that.”

“Jay, I’m way too hopped up on pain meds to understand you.”

Jason’s eyes narrowed, “I saw that look. I’m watching you.”

You welcomed sleep yet again, trying to ignore your brother’s words. You woke again a few hours later in a panic.

“Jake!” The memory of your promise came rushing to the front of your mind. You attempted to get up, only you were met with a gentle hand on your shoulder.

“It’s taken care of.” You heard Tim’s voice echo around.

“Wh – what do you mean?”

“His daughter, right? The kidney transplant?” You nodded as he rattled off the information. “I paid the hospital a few hours ago. Then called Jake to inform him that his daughter would receive the next available match.”

“What about…” the raspy words trailed off before you could finish the thought.

“He’s also got a few interviews for Wayne Enterprises in the next week. I’m sure we’ll find a fit for him somewhere.” Your hand went up, in search for his. You clasped it in yours and drifted back to sleep with a smile on your lips.

You had been staying at Tim’s apartment for a few days, you had tried staying at Jason’s. You only lasted a few hours before you were begging to go somewhere else. You were laying in the couch watching mindless tv when Tim collapsed into the chair next to you.

“What did you tell them this time?”

“Oh you’re on vacation with Marisa, didn’t you know?”

“I don’t even know a Marisa…”

“Yeah. That’s the point.”

“Why haven’t you told them?”

“Some speech about choices this weird person dressed in spandex gave really got to me.”

“Ha ha.”

“Eh, I figure you have a good reason. Though I would like to hear it…I trust you.”

“Why…?” Your voice almost sounded disgusted at the thought. Tim just shrugged, ignoring the question altogether. That just irked you more, so you continued. “I’ve never done anything to make you trust me. In fact, I resented you for…well for someone else’s choice.”

“Yeah you did.”

“So?”

“I got to hear why and I figured that if you could see past Robin, well you wouldn’t hate me.”

“Yeah, guess that speech kinda gave me away…” You trailed off, remembering the words that had previously escaped your lips.

“Your shoulder gave you away more.”

Your eyes went wide, recollecting the night’s events. “Is that why you went left?” A smirk grazed his features. “Why didn’t you just out me then?” You swatted at his shoulder with your good arm.

“I wanted you to trust me enough to tell me yourself.”

“I kinda ruined that, didn’t I?”

“Or your subconscious made the decision for you.”

“Hmm mm sure.” The sarcasm dripped from the words.

“Well then why are you here and not at Jason’s?” Tim shot back.

“That’s so not fair! He was treating me like some wounded deer!”

“What did you say to me…Oh right. Jason only pretends he doesn’t care.”

“He doesn’t know I’m here right?” You panicked, while Tim only laughed.

“Jason knows you’re safe, healing, and not allowed back in the field yet.”

“Hopefully he won’t turn into Dick and he’ll let me back in the field.”

“Heh, I think Jason knows he couldn’t stop you. I just wonder why Dick thinks he can.”

“Because my dearest brother thinks of me as the same 3-year old girl watching in awe as our parents fell to the ground. He sees me as his last connection to a normal life. As something he must protect.”

“There’s a difference between protecting and hindering…” Tim mumbled.

“When Dick learns that lesson, let me know.”

Another week had passed and honestly you were shocked that Dick hadn’t found suspected anything. You were also astonished at how well you and Tim were getting along. You couldn’t believe this was the same person that took the robin mantle from you almost ten years ago. Then again, I guess it wasn’t. He had become so much more in those years, but you refused to see it.

You walked out of your new bedroom, picking at the bandage at your abdomen. “Hey Tim, can you look at –” Your words were cut off by the sound of the door opening, both of you jumped up in a defensive stance. When Dick came bounding through the door, you quickly shuffled behind the kitchen counter, hiding any evidence of the gunshot wound.

“Alright where is my sister?!” Dick screamed across the room before his eyes settled on you. “Oh Y/N/N…you’re here. Why are…?” Dick glanced back and forth at you and Tim.

“Dick, you’re here!” Tim quickly pulled him to the couch, while swatting his other hand towards you. You quickly scurried back to your room, throwing on the baggiest shirt you could find, in an attempt to hide the bandage.

As you exited the room yet again, your eyes shot to the door, which was opening yet again. Jason barreled through, “Tim, where’s Y/N? I think Dick is – oh, hey Dick.” Jason’s eyes met yours, “Wait, Y/N’s been here the whole time!”

Both you and Tim broke out in laughter, “Yeah you didn’t look very hard.” You reasoned as you joined them in the living room.

“I didn’t think it would be that obvious…” Jason mumbled as he sat down.

“Are you wearing Tim’s shirt?” Dick’s brows furrowed in confusion.

“What?” You pretended to ignore the question.

“Are you –” Dick began again.

“Huh?” You cut him off yet again.

“Anyways so as I was just telling Dick,” Tim cut off the sibling antics, “That you were just getting overwhelmed at the Manor.”

“Overwhelmed? With what? What happened?” Dick immediately went into older brother mode.

“Dick, geez. Overwhelmed with everything. I need to figure out who I am and what I want to do without someone constantly watching over my shoulder.”

“Why did I become Robin…instead of Y/N?” Tim’s own thoughts burst from his lips. Everyone looked at him in awe, you even elbowed him in the side.

“Y/N doesn’t be a vigilante. Don’t be ridiculous.” Dick waved off the theory entirely.

Jason awkwardly cleared his throat and got up to leave. You grabbed his wrist and motioned back at the seat. “How do you know that?” Tim questioned before you had the chance.

“What do you mean? It’s…well…she…”

“I mean, you did train her, right?”

“Well some basics, but no more –”

“I, uhm, I did.” Jason reluctantly offered up the secret. Dick shot him a fiery glare.

“And I asked,” you had finally found your voice. “When Jason was killed, when dad went off the rails. I asked to be out there with you. With you both.”

“You weren’t serious?” Dick was starting to doubt his own memory.

“Of course I was. I just lost my brother, the one that actually believed in me. I wanted to prove to you…to myself…that I was worthy of that.” You felt Tim’s hand squeeze your own in reassurance. Thankfully, your words caused Jason to miss that moment of affection. He never understood how much of an impact his actions had on your life.

“I…” Dick’s eyes searched your own, for what, neither of you seemed to know. “I guess I wanted you to be joking, so that’s what I told myself. I just didn’t want to lose you too.”

“You already did, in a way. I can’t be myself with you. The person you know, it’s a façade. They don’t exist.”

“Heh, you’re Eclipse…aren’t you?” Dick’s mind was finally putting the pieces together as he rose from the chair. “I hope you give me the chance to get to know her.” A solemn expression graced his features as he walked out the door. Jason quickly got up to follow him.

“I’m still watching you.” He warned before chasing after his older brother.

Closing your eyes, you fell back into Tim’s chest as relief cascaded over you. “Thank you.” You mumbled as you felt Tim’s arms wrap around you before he pressed quick kiss on top of your head.

217 notes · View notes

clairrely · 4 years

Text

Personal essay thingy! It's about the team of Matenrou from Hypnosis Mic, and how they helped me through a tough spot. Warnings for mentions of mental health issues.

At the time, I was, and (to an extent) am, struggling with pretty severe social anxiety. I second-guess many of the things I say and do, and even the smallest things like someone leaving me on read make me irrationally fearful that I did something wrong, even if I know that logically nothing was. Social media like Twitter and Discord was also terrifying, since I felt nervous about interacting with large groups of people, and the general chaotic, almost overwhelming experience that I had with Twitter left me just feeling like I was scared of people. I withdrew from many close friends, and while I felt lonely, the fear of people- what they could do to me, what I could do to mess up and drive them away- kept me from reaching out.

Then, as I was scrolling through TvTropes, I came upon the Hypnosis Mic project. It was a multimedia project about anime boys rapping, and as I thought it looked fun, I checked it out. At the time, I didn't think it would mean that much to me. Then, I came across the character pages of Matenrou.

I don't think I can properly express just how much of an effect they had on me, but I'll try to. At first, I simply thought that the character concepts were interesting. A humane doctor, a host club worker who was scared of the very people he was hosting, and a businessman who had a dim outlook on life. I began to do more research on the characters, and I saw myself in them, primarily the characters of Izanami Hifumi and Kannonzaka Doppo.

Both Hifumi and I were scared of people (or women, in his case), and we both put on a confident, well-spoken facade to mask it and to get through situations that terrified us. We both had issues with a school-related trauma that seemingly impacted our ability to function normally. I saw my own insecurities reflected in Doppo, too- will I ever accomplish something that I'll be proud of? With all my failures and flaws, will I ever become someone better? The crushing feeling of being powerless to do anything to improve yourself, simply because you don't believe that someone like you could ever become better- I felt that deeply. But I also found a sense of hope by reading through their stories, because flawed as they were, they also had their undeniable strengths, and they were working to grow beyond their flaws.

Hifumi had worked incredibly hard to overcome his fear of women, with his alternate 'host mode' personality a culmination of those efforts. He had so much energy while dealing with people- unlike me.

Doppo, for all his troubles and worries, never gave up and kept on working, despite the incredibly stressful (and real-life) experiences of corporate Japan. To me, his character growth was subtle but undeniable, going from being crushed under his issues to confronting them and questioning whether his 'corporate hell' existence is right.

Jinguji Jakurai, the doctor, had a sort of kindness and altruism that I found inspiring- it seemed that he held a genuine love for people, even strangers, treating them all without bias or reservation. He healed people- mentally, spiritually, and physically, helping them to overcome their fears, their insecurities, any of the issues that were holding them back from being a better person- and I remember myself tearing up.

It was as though these three characters were a direct representation of how I could move past my own terror, my own insecurity, my loneliness and despair. The line in a song they sang, 'sacrifice everything for the impending future', helped me to start trying harder, even though it seemed pointless sometimes. The close bond between them made me realize that while I was hiding from my friends out of fear, I had forgotten the good times that we shared. Even their religious motifs comforted me- I had grown up Buddhist, and to see elements of that referenced in their songs reminded me of the principles I had grown up with.

The message that I came away with was simple, but helped me a great deal. 'Live for another day, and the next, no matter what happens, because someday things will get better.' When I was depressed and facing national exams, or when I had family troubles, it helped me to hang on. It was like they were setting examples for me to follow, and over a few months, I found new strength. I finally mustered the courage to reach out to friends I hadn't talked to in a while, and to throw myself into social situations so that I could get past the anxiety. I found the resolve to keep moving forwards, regardless of everything that had happened in the past, like Hifumi and Doppo, and I made up my mind to try to treat others with the same tolerance, kindness and respect that Jakurai did.

Maybe my interpretation of these characters is different from everyone else's. I can't deny that they're weird, and kind of petty sometimes, and the setting itself is kind of silly, but to me, they were- and still are a source of inspiration and strength. I didn't expect that learning about them would have such an impact on my life- but I'm thankful that I did. We're in the 2nd Division Rap Battle now, and while the idea of conflicts and arguments online (this is still very much a popularity contest) still makes me nauseous, I think the beauty of this team is that I'm likely not the only one whose life they've changed for the better. They tackle very common modern problems, and show people that there's always a way to be better. And that's why Matenrou is so close to my heart.

#long post #essay #mental health discussions #matenro #matenrou #hifumi izanami #kannonzaka doppo #hypnosis microphone #hypmic #hypnosis mic #jakurai #hifumi #doppo #personal #not art

17 notes · View notes

wasteyrselfkid · 3 years

Text

on turning 21 and other things,

(tw: suicide, mental illness)

i'm okay with being alone on most days, in fact, i love being all alone in my room all day. a book i read a while ago said 'i never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude' and i agree for the most part but sometimes the loneliness gets so overwhelming that being alone feels almost scary, especially on your birthday. i guess loneliness really sets in when you're finishing another revolution around the earth all alone in your bedroom but it's not like i felt any less lonely when I was surrounded by people i know in a crowded club in delhi. I guess what im trying to say is that I am bound to feel this sense of loneliness on every birthday. I fell asleep after writing the last sentence because it got too much even though I told my best friend I need to lie down and cut the call. maybe I just wanted to end the day on a sad note because that's what I've known since I stopped opening birthday gifts on the living room floor at my old house after all my friends left... and i was too distracted or unaware for a lack of better word that everything is not as great as it might seem for a moment.

i never finished writing this and it's been almost a month since i've turned 21. i won't lie i never thought i'd make it to 21. i'm surprised but i won't say i'm not disappointed. last year, on my birthday, once again alone in my room - crying, i promised myself that i'm going to try to become better in every way possible and actually put in the little will and hope i have into taking care of myself and see how it goes till my next birthday. if it doesn't work out, 21 doesn't sound like the worst age to disappear. i made it to 21, a little better in every way possible, still fucking sad from time to time, but i did everything i could or so i say. but i made the same promise myself to again and to be fair, it's not a bad deal. it's ironic that i'm postponing my demise in hopes that i get better, not even happy and content, just better. isn't that what everyone does until they realise it doesn't get better? i won't lie, on a day like today, it feels like it won't get better. but the little voice at the back of my head tries to convince me that it does and until my next birthday, i'll try believing her.

i don't think my life sucks, i don't think i suck either, i just find it extra hard to live life the way its supposed to be lived - to wake up, brush my teeth, work, talk to my friends and family, all of it. it doesn't come easily to me and it never has. even though, anyone who is even close to me or lives in the same house as me, would think that i've got my shit together in every sense possible - i wake up, brush my teeth, work, talk to friends and family, all of it. but every night before i go to bed, i can feel life draining out of me. every consecutive day it gets harder to wake up, i can't even fathom brushing my teeth on some days, and at times, for weeks. i don't know if this is how life is supposed to be lived, in fact, i know even if there's no one correct way to live - this definitely does not come under it. i guess having a couple of screws loose in your head makes you feel grey in every sense possible. even on your birthday. even when you're going to meet your best friend after months. even when you achieve things. it's tiring to experience pain so greatly and pleasure so fleetingly.

thinking about the future has never been exciting, not when i was 13, not now, not ever. how can something that i cannot guarantee be exciting? if anything, it's nerve-wracking. but to disappear forever as a last resort, if nothing works out, is so so so comforting. even though it's at the cost of disappointing everyone around you, but when you've been selfless your entire life - putting everyone else before yourself, this amount of disappointment is warranted for. and i hate the idea of not ending your life because it will disappoint other people, and i never think about this but what about me? how do i feel? i don't know how i feel about turning 21, i don't feel a lot of things these days. i've been living on autopilot. i don't feel the same love i felt for my friends. i can see my family disintegrating day by day and it has been years, i can only wait for it to crumble completely now. i don't feel as scared about losing my boyfriend anymore. i don't feel excited or nervous about future prospects. i don't feel anything about how i look, i don't even care to look at myself in the mirror anymore. i don't feel much but i do think a lot.

everyday i get closer and closer to just disappearing, not dying, but just disappearing from everywhere and everyone's lives. what kind of life is it when you're exhausted at the thought of speaking to your closest friends? what kind of life is it when your favourite hobbies start feeling like chores that require you to move mountains? what kind of life is it when you look into the mirror or your front camera and you don't recognise yourself anymore? what kind of life is it when you don't even care to listen to music or watch movies and use books as an escape, not for pleasure, but just to feel like you're doing something, if nothing at all? what kind of life is it when you don't feel like taking pictures of anything anymore, but you do anyway, because what if your next birthday is your last and people will have more of something to remember you by?

i guess what i'm trying to say is that turning 21 doesn't feel any different than turning any other age, my entire life has been one big blob of grey and as i get older, the blob keeps getting greyer and smaller. i found time to write this today because something disrupted my autopilot mode routine - i did nothing, i cried a little, i smoked a cigarette and thought about all the work i had to do, i skipped my workout. that made me feel shitty enough to sit down and continue writing this. i wonder if when i started writing this, it was meant to be much more hopeful - about how i enjoy solitude and i don't need anyone. and this still holds true. on most days, i'd rather be alone than with anyone. i can probably go days without speaking to people. but what kind of life is it...to enjoy solitude because you're too tired for anything else? and what kind of life is it that requires you to function like a robot to feel alright? and what kind of life is it that this is the kind of blog-post you write on turning 21?

4 notes · View notes

gleekto · 4 years

Text

Summary: College AU/Famous!Blaine and Fanboy!Kurt - Kurt POV

Kurt really doesn’t have time to figure out the dating world between being a freshman at prestigious theatre school, LAADA, and his active but secret blogging life in the Sing!Fandom. So what if Sing! ended last year? There are still fics to read and actors to follow. Especially the uber talented heartthrob lead, Blaine Anderson. He can act. He can sing. He can even dance. He’s gay. He’s out. And he’s only 24. Kurt is willing to twiddle his thumbs and click refresh until Blaine Anderson’s next project.

He just didn’t expect the next project to be on his roommate Rachel’s new TV show.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

Even Better than the Real Thing (12/13)

“You’re here.”

In the last ten minutes, Kurt has gone from being sure Blaine was going to put a bounty on his head for that fan pic, to thinking that he maybe managed not to be totally cancelled as a friend, to suddenly having to process that Blaine is at his doorstep, casual and deliberately sexy, staring at him like they both have too many clothes on. And Kurt, not having expected any guests in the late morning, is still in his pyjamas. At least they’re silk.

“Looks like it.” Blaine steps inside and closes the door. Kurt is in full surprise mode at seeing Blaine right here, right now, so open and obvious and hot. His heart thuds. It’s such a rush that he unconsciously scrunches his eyes shut under the electricity of it.

“Don’t look too happy to see me,” Blaine laughs, gently reaching out to touch Kurt’s upper arm.

“I am.” Kurt opens his eyes wide again. “I really am. I just was not expecting you. At all. Two days ago, I was sure you would never speak to me again after you discovered my alter ego. And then okay, we talked - like the mature adults we are -” Kurt emphasizes and Blaine chuckles, “And I was not going to have to hide in a corner should we ever meet again. But then tumblr haunted me yet again and suddenly I’m either your public fake boyfriend while you secretly have an affair with Rachel or your new younger fanboy toy and-”

“An accurate summary,” Blaine interrupts, hand still gently on his arm.

“So I mean this sincerely, but also with maybe a sprinkle of my usual sass,” Kurt huffs and closes his eyes, trying not to just melt under Blaine’s gaze like the Wicked Witch under a drop of rain, “Why are you here? And looking at me like that?”

“Well, I do care.” Blaine’s eyes are big and sincere and boring into him. Kurt backs up against the wall for support, Blaine close to his face, hand now rubbing his arm. “About your alter ego, I mean. There is no way I would have gone after you like I did if I had known. But the problem was that by the time I found out about LimaBlaineFan, I liked you already - the guy who goes to LAADA, and can handle Rachel Berry-”

“No small feat,” Kurt interjects.

“No. And despite all the guys and dates and Mr. Pinks, no one has been able to keep up with my more nerdy musical theatre side-”

“Who are you calling nerdy?”

"Oh I’m calling myself nerdy,” Blaine steps further into his space making it actually pretty difficult to concentrate on the nice things he seems to be saying, though Kurt isn’t quite sure because Blaine keeps looking from his eyes to his lips to his eyes and it’s very distracting. “And I’m rationalizing all this to myself because you did stop posting and it doesn’t actually seem like you were stalking me or trying to trick me into dating you-”

“I’m not clever enough to pull that off, I’m afraid.”

“So apparently, for you, my golden rule is made to be broken.” Kurt is pretty sure he hears that correctly. “And about the fan photo - I can’t care about stuff like that. I mean, I can go to coffee with Rachel tomorrow - suddenly I’ll be a conflicted bisexual falling for my co-star.”

“You think you’re being sarcastic but actually, there is definitely a segment of tumblr that firmly believes you’re gay for pay.”

“Oh I know,” Blaine sighs, exhaling into Kurt’s breath. “I admit I don’t really understand the theory, but I know they’re out there. And they’re wrong.” Blaine’s less than subtle roaming eyes become too much so Kurt closes his own under the scrutiny. “As for why I’m looking at you like that,” Blaine is an inch from his face. “I’d rather show you.”

“God,” Kurt breathes out while Blaine’s mouth lands on his, his body pressing Kurt up against the wall of his living room. Finally kissing him. Blaine’s mouth and tongue move slowly and deliberately, making the kiss long and dirty.

After minutes of tasting and slow drags of Blaine’s tongue on his neck and behind his ear and on his throat, Kurt looks down and shakes his head, a giggle slipping out.

“Are you ticklish?” Blaine asks, taking his earlobe between his teeth.

“No,” Kurt shivers. “I’m laughing because when I saw that picture on tumblr, I really had no idea what you were going to do to me.”

“I can show you if you’d like.” Kurt supposes he asked for that one. Blaine grabs his ass, pushing their bodies together. He’s getting hard and he knows Blaine can feel it - silk pyjamas not leaving much to the imagination. “I’d like to start by getting you out of these,” Blaine pulls at his pyjamas, puts his hands up inside the shirt, and lets his hands explore. Kurt lifts Blaine’s t-shirt slightly, tentatively mirroring him. “And you,” Blaine pauses. “Can finally see me shirtless.” His blog will forever haunt him, he’s sure.

Kurt looks up at the ceiling, exasperated. “You don’t even feel like that guy, you know. The Blaine Anderson on my blog who I wished had a shirtless scene. You just kind of look like him.”

When Kurt looks back down, Blaine is shirtless, having made quick work of his loose t-shirt, and the top button of his jeans is undone. He’s like a Chippendale’s dancer live in his living room. And Kurt is trying very hard not to be too overwhelmed by the show. “You wouldn’t know,” Blaine says as he saunters towards Kurt’s bedroom. “You never saw him shirtless.”

Kurt follows, sitting down on the edge of his bed, trying to catch his breath. It’s a lot this shirtless, sexual Blaine openly wanting him and he wants it to last. Blaine walks up to him, takes his hands and places them on his chest, and starts to massage Kurt’s chest again under his shirt, before lifting it over his head.

“I still don’t know what I’m doing, by the way.” The confession just tumbles out and he can’t take it back. Like maybe he could just try to figure things out without routinely making himself seem so innocent.

“Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten,” Blaine says, leaning down and kissing his neck, while running his thumbs deliberately over Kurt’s nipples. Blaine is such a playful flirt and it’s completely unnerving. “Though my little stroll through your former tumblr does give me a hint of what you might like.”

He really is never going to forgive himself for leaving his laptop open. “Just to clarify, I do not want a threesome. I just liked that author. So don’t get any ideas.”

Blaine laughs and crawls on to Kurt’s bed, pulling Kurt to lie down beside him as he takes out his phone. “Oh I have lots of ideas.” Kurt sees more screen caps. Great. Blaine shows him an ask he vaguely remembers from maybe three years ago -

Anonymous asks:

Do you think Blaine has had sex? I mean, he’s only 21 and was from a small town and he’s gay.

LimaBlaineFan: Yeah. He’s an adult and is a heartthrob TV star living out in LA. Lots of sex to be found, I’m sure.

“Well, you were right about that,” Blaine shrugs. “My first time was with a guy I hooked up with right before Sing! started airing. It may sound stupid but I wanted to be with someone before fame might hit - and you never know why someone might want you.”

“It’s not stupid,” Kurt says quickly. “Not at all.”

“Well, we didn’t do everything,” Blaine adds. “But I did give my first blowjob, so it counts.”

Blaine is very open - with language, with emotions, with sex. It’s a little intimidating. A lot sexy. Kurt curls up to him and starts kissing his neck. “Lucky guy.”

“You’re about to be just as lucky,” Blaine says easily. “Maybe luckier. I’ve honed my skills.” Okay, Blaine plans to give him a blowjob. “And by the way, this next one is the last screen cap I have. Maybe it’s poetic justice but this one is kind of hot.” Oh god. Blaine scrolls to another old ask:

Anonymous asks:

Hey LBF - I know you said you’re not a one night stand kind of guy but if you could have one night with Blaine, what would you do?

LimaBlaineFan: Well this isn’t going to happen so might as well give you my wildest dream - which would be everything, I guess? I have no experience so who knows what I like but pretty sure his amazing ass would have to feature.

“We can stop reading these now, right?” Blaine laughs and nods. “And we can delete them forever? Because I’m really not talking about the same you and I really don’t feel like that horny fanboy right now.”

“Oh I hope you are at least the horny part.” Blaine turns on to his side, slipping his hand into Kurt’s pyjama pants and on to his ass.

“Oh my god, shut up.”

“I will,” Blaine says, kneading his ass and kissing along his chest while Kurt tries to breathe. “But first, I would like to propose to you that unlike your alter ego, you will not only get one night with “Blaine”. And also unlike your alter ego, I don’t think we should do everything,” Blaine looks up at his eyes, “Yet. But I would like to suck you-” Blaine moves his hand to Kurt’s front and squeezes. Okay, he did just say that. “And whatever you want to do, I am sure my ass could definitely feature. I hope it lives up to the hype.”

They’re kissing again before Kurt can respond and Blaine is making quick work of getting him very hard, very fast. “I want to go first,” Kurt says, reluctantly pulling his body away from Blaine. “It’s too fast otherwise. I want to try.” Kurt tugs at Blaine’s jeans and hopes his meaning is clear.

“Okay,” Blaine nods, looking sexy and excited and very willing. “Okay.” Blaine gets up and quickly and pulls off his pants and briefs. He’s standing in front of Kurt, still lying on the bed, naked and bold and not shy at all. “How would you like to-” Kurt’s contemplating. “I have an idea,” Blaine says before Kurt has a chance to decide. He looks mischievious. “If you’re serious about wanting my ass involved.”

“Of course,” Kurt says and sits up, going for false confidence. He’s watched enough porn to know that this can’t be that difficult. And there is something so easy about being with Blaine.

“If you want, which is cool either way,” Blaine starts. “You can go on you knees in front of me-”

“My knees?”

“Yeah,” Blaine looks sheepish. “I admit it’s hot to me. Should we forget it?”

Kurt drops a pillow on the floor and drops to his knees. It’s worth it just to see Blaine’s jaw drop slightly. “Go on.”

“Wow,” Blaine holds Kurt’s face. “You’re amazing.” Blaine breathes in. “Okay, so go ahead and open for me.” Blaine holds his hard cock in his hands and traces it on Kurt’s lips as he opens his mouth. Kurt concentrates on what he knows for the first few minutes, lick under the head, cover his teeth, good suction. Blaine moves in and out slowly, and Blaine’s little moans encourage him. He’s doing it. “Now grab my ass, Kurt,” Blaine says. “Don’t be shy - grab it. Use your fingers. I like it.” Blaine’s hands move to Kurt’s head, pushing him gently further, while Kurt holds firmly on to Blaine’s ass. “Stick in a finger, Kurt. I can take one without lube. Yeah, that’s it. You’re so hot. Amazing.” The image is overwhelming - Blaine pushing into his mouth, his finger pushing into Blaine. Blaine’s movements get faster. “I don’t want to choke you,” Blaine pants. “I’m going to pull out and come on both of us. Then I’m going to suck you until you scream.” Kurt is groaning around his cock as he pulls out, and comes on Kurt’s chest and his own legs. Kurt gently pulls his finger out.

Without cleaning anything, Blaine pushes Kurt down on to the bed, pulls off his pyjama bottoms, and sinks down on him. He plays with his own come on Kurt’s chest as he encourages Kurt up and into his mouth. “Fuck my mouth, Kurt. I can take it,” He says before sinking down again. Kurt feels the build up, lets himself moan loudly in the empty apartment. “Let me hear it, Kurt.” Kurt’s sound is guttural as he comes down Blaine’s throat.

Wow - if that isn’t the best sex he’s ever had. Which it obviously is but wow.

“Kurt, you are fucking amazing,” Blaine pants as he sits up and catches his own breath. “So open and sexy and hot.” Maybe the newest thing about all this is those labels being given to him. By Blaine Anderson. Definitely not the guy on television.

“You’re alright,” Kurt says back. Sarcasm is safer as he cuddles into Blaine’s side, letting Blaine clean them both up as he catches his breath. He is feeling pretty good about his first performance. “Your ass is definitely better than that TV star’s.”

...

As they lie in bed, practicing Blaine’s upcoming scene with Kurt playing Rachel, Kurt’s phone buzzes.

Mercedes: It’s official. The first RPF is out - Kurt and Blaine.

Kurt quickly texts back: Do not send that to me.

“Do they know your real name?” Blaine looks scandalized.

“Only my first name.”

Mercedes: Well, you may be more interested in this one. That faux entertainment ‘zine guy, JustJay, thinks he has the scoop from the coffee shop.

Kurt: You mean the top secret news that Blaine Anderson dips biscotti while chatting with a friend?

Blaine laughs as he reads the text over Kurt’s shoulder and then the link at JustJay. Kurt sees the melodramatic headline of Who is the pretty face having coffee with Sing!’s favorite heartthrob? and he’s pretty sure that he is more scandalized than Blaine. Here it is Sing! fans, the photo everyone is talking about...

“Ha!” Kurt laughs out loud as he shuts the computer. “JustJay has a very skewed view of who exactly is everyone.”

“I can handle this, no problem. My publicist has probably already left me four messages.” Blaine checks his phone. “Only two - JustJay isn’t the big time yet. Only question then is whether there is something to talk about here.” Blaine looks at him sincerely, almost vulnerable.

“What do you mean? Like I don’t want to be the front cover of TMZ, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No. I’m asking if this is happening?”

“I think it just did.” Kurt bites at Blaine’s shoulder, too nervous to answer.

“You’re really making me pull teeth now? So should it happen again, Kurt?”

“You’re asking as if the answer could be anything other than yes.”

“Never meet your idols. They might disappoint.”

Kurt stares at the ceiling and laughs, shaking his head. “Or they could be you.”

#even better than the real thing #it's time #gleekto writes

39 notes · View notes