#author responsibility

[actual-changeling]

hi! I’ve been v hesitant to ask this question because you’ve said you don’t want to talk about this anymore and also I just really don’t want to bother you or be the cause of any further upset/frustration/etc. so please please don’t feel like you have to answer this!!! This is a very general question though and I mean it more in relation to fic as a whole, not one individual (or even one fandom).

You answered an ask a few days ago describing some of the problems with people portraying PTSD and other mental illnesses in a medically inaccurate way in fics. And you mentioned that it’s okay for people who have the diagnosis in question to write in a way that’s not necessarily medically accurate, because it can be cathartic or help people process and cope with their illness (I’m paraphrasing, so please correct me if I misunderstood). I agree with you— I don’t write fic but I sometimes read semi unrealistic depictions of my own mental illness in fic because I do find it cathartic and comforting at times, so I can see how writing would be the same. And I also agree that unrealistic portrayals of mental illness can be harmful when the readers are people who don’t know about the mental illness in question.

But I struggle with reconciling those two ideas in reality. It’s probably easier when you know other writers, but I don’t know any ao3 authors personally. So I don’t know how to figure out if someone is writing a fic with a medically inaccurate depiction of a mental illness because they also have that mental illness and are taking comfort from writing the fic the same way I’m taking comfort in reading it, or if they’re just not bothering to do their research. And so I’m really stuck on how to interact with those fics in a way that doesn’t perpetuate harm, but also doesn’t invalidate authors (and readers who might be like me!!) who are genuinely using it as a means of coping with their own struggles. The only thing I can think of is to limit myself to fics where the author discloses that they have the illness and know it’s not realistic, but that also feels really dangerous and wrong? Because I think it would just lead to people claiming illnesses they don’t have (which is problematic for all kinds of reasons but also just doesn’t help the spread of misinformation). Plus I’m not comfortable disclosing my specific diagnoses on the internet, so I wouldn’t be comfortable expecting other people to do it either. But I’m not sure how to deal with it otherwise.

Do you have any suggestions on the best way to navigate this? I’ve been thinking about it a lot since I saw your ask because it’s something I don’t really have an answer to, but I want to minimize the harm caused by misinformation. You’ve given a lot of helpful answers on this issue, so I’d be grateful for your perspective if you don’t mind sharing!! No pressure to answer though! I really don’t want to be a bother! (also sorry this got really long!)

You're definitely not a bother, anon, I'm happy to steer this ship back to a general conversation about topics like this <3 My passion about it has not died down at all. Completely drama free post incoming, promise.

You bring up a really good point, and the answer is neither clear-cut nor final and mostly related to my personal feelings on the matter and how I handle it.

To broadly summarize, there are three different kinds of representation when it comes to (mental) disorders and illnesses: accurate and respectful, inaccurate but not harmful, and inaccurate and harmful. The first and third one are presumably pretty easy to deal with, and as soon as something becomes harmful the intention behind it only marginally matters, it more relates to how the person reacts to criticism rather than the impact it has on other people.

"Inaccurate but not outright harmful" is a giant gray zone, though, and I struggle navigating that sometimes, too.

I think the first point to consider is tagging, disclaimers, and author's notes. If I write about a topic inaccurately, like hand-wavey medical facts for plot purposes ("yes the character got stabbed yes they're fine two weeks after, just bear with me here" kinda stuff), I will leave a note somewhere plus usually a tag that says exactly that. AO3 has a bunch of different tags for every topic imaginable, and tagging your fic properly should go without saying. That way the reader goes into it knowing that whatever information is presented is probably wrong in some way and not to be taken at face value.

It works the same way for these topics, a small note somewhere that hey, this is gonna be inaccurate just so you know, and there is literally zero issues (again, assuming the content is not actually harmful in some way). Asking an author to add a tag should be met with understanding, so if you think a fic would need an x inaccuracy tag for something it doesn't hurt to ask.

The second point kinda ties into the first one, which is personal comfort. If you're reading something that's not very close to reality but not offensive in any way, it just makes you uncomfortable, then opting out is always an option. Fandoms should really go back to using the term squick, something that isn't an outright trigger but you prefer to stay away from it anyway.

Any fic that just has a vibe you don't resonate with can be left behind and scrolled by, and i doubt anyone would ever be mad about that.

There is another scenario I think is worth mentioning, which is reading a fic that hasn't been tagged as x is inaccurate in some way but presents inaccurate information. In those cases I personally first assume unintentional ignorance, and I think leaving a comment along the lines of "hey did you do x intentionally because it's inaccurate in y way (totally fine if you did, just asking in case you didn't know)". The authors reaction to that usually tells you everything you need to know, either yes it was intentional in which case you can ask them to tag it as such or it was unintentional and they correct it or turn out to be a bigot that does not care.

So to try and summarize it, disclaimers are a necessity and solve most issues regarding that, and authors tend to be fine correcting something if they accidentally got it wrong. I agree that no one should have to disclose any personal information, but it also makes no difference when the content they write is hurtful, that's a clear-cut scenario and does not have anything to do with interpretation. All other cases are just a matter of personal comfort and asking for clarification if you want to.

I hope my response was helpful, anon, if you (or anyone else) have any follow-up questions, let me know!

[lnk-and-lnspiration]

The Power of Diverse Voices in Literature: Why It Matters

As storytellers, we are constantly striving to create engaging and impactful stories that resonate with readers. We pour our hearts and souls into crafting well-rounded characters, compelling plotlines, and thought-provoking themes. But have you ever stopped to think about the importance of diverse voices in literature? In today’s world, where diversity and representation are crucial topics of…

[sunderwight]

Cumplane where Airplane, in a fit of either bravery or insanity or positive or negative self-esteem (he's not totally sure) decides to cosplay as Luo Binghe and post the pictures online.

Of course, he doesn't do it as "Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky", he knows he has some questionable fans and doesn't really want to hand them a picture of his face. So he posts the images under one of the pseudonyms he uses for lurking around the comment section and social media tags. It's just a handful of images of him looking like the protagonist in his head, attempting to strike cool poses in a wig and some period clothes (he rented both).

The reception is... mixed. Airplane does not have abs, after all, nor a flawless complexion or much skill with makeup. He is fat, freckled, and awkward. The PIDW readership is not known for being particularly supportive either. In fact they're mostly a crab bucket of negativity and masculine posturing, so he gets a lot of mean-spirited commentary.

It's fine. Nothing he hadn't expected. Really solidifies for him that posting was a fit of madness, actually! What did he even expect? He's bracing himself for the worst when he sees that Peerless Cucumber, notorious hate-reader and defender of Luo Binghe's honor, has commented. Ah, shit. He's probably going to rip into Airplane for daring to sully his precious Binghe's reputation by dressing up like that, isn't he?

The comment is long, too. Fuck. Airplane's not sure if his self-esteem can take a comprehensive beating from the champion hater himself, but he's too curious not to look.

Shen Yuan, in the meanwhile, is just pleased that there has FINALLY been a Luo Binghe cosplayer who looks the part. Of course Luo Binghe wouldn't have exaggerated muscles, those are just a product of dehydration. Binghe spent most of his disciple years running around chopping wood and hauling laundry, and then later doing whatever he could to pack on the calories in order to make it through the Abyss. A hefty workman's build would only make sense for him, anything else would be nonsense. Airplane also described Luo Binghe as having a beautiful face, which Shen Yuan won't blame most cosplayers for not being able to just make happen, but a beautiful face doesn't mean "covered in so much makeup it looks like an anime character"! When would Luo Binghe have the time or inclination to put on makeup? A natural beauty with some inevitable blemishes would make more sense and be much more appealing, and this "Airplane Crashing to the Ground" (funny play on the author's name, Shen Yuan approves) has very pretty features! Everyone hating on this cosplay is just an idiot, the only actual problem is that his wig is poorly fitted.

So in true Peerless Cucumber fashion, he lays this all out.

This gets him embroiled in arguments with several other fans, who even accuse him of actually being the guy in the photos, claiming that there's no other reason why he would defend them. Shen Yuan doesn't care if people think that's him, because that's still the best Luo Binghe cosplay he's ever seen, but he doesn't want them doubting the sincerity of his arguments. So, he decides that the only reasonable thing to do is dress himself up in cosplay as well and then post the actual photos of himself.

While he'd like to dress up as one of Luo Binghe's allies like Mobei Jun, or maybe someone cool like Yue Qingyuan, he is too pedantic to think he could pull that off. Those guys are all strong warrior types, and Shen Yuan is a scrawny pale rich kid who looks like he'd probably lose a fight with a wet paper towel. The only characters he could plausibly pull off would be some of the more consumptive members of Binghe's harem and maybe, maybe, one of the weaker villains like Shen Qingqiu.

Shen Yuan is NOT posting pictures of himself crossplaying to the central nexus of toxic masculinity itself, so... Shen Qingqiu it is!

Poor Airplane has to go sit and stare at a while for a while. Peerless Cucumber likes his cosplay. Peerless Cucumber, ardent defender of Shang Qinghua's sellout crappy main character mary-sue, thinks Airplane is good-looking enough to cosplay as him. And said so. Repeatedly. And then posted borderline thirst-trap villain cosplay of himself, inadvertently revealing in the process that he is hot.

What the. What. What?!

Anyway, Shen Yuan suggests that they attend the next convention both cosplaying together because Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky is supposed to be doing a meet & greet at that one, and wouldn't it be fun to go as a pair? And Airplane agrees before his brain catches up and he realizes that might present a problem.

[liquidstar]

look this site really is awful for ppl with OCD so i just wanna reassure anyone that you are not Tainted Forever for consuming a piece of media with questionable content. the fact that youre able to recognize it speaks to your critical thinking skills, which is good, certain depictions should be critiqued. but you dont need to ruminate on it to the point where you begin to feel guilty for simply witnessing gross or creepy writing choices. you dont have to vindicate yourself to the fictional tumblr discourser inside your head, saying that youre now a bad person bc you watched the wrong anime. your actual response to it still matters of course, but thats that and this is this. just seeing it is neutral, you didnt commit a thought crime. its literally fine.

IF YOU ARE USING THIS POST TO ONLY FURTHER YOUR STUPID PEDANTIC BLACK-AND-WHITE DISCOURSE TO GET A "GOCHA" OVER THE OTHER SIDE YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. DON'T USE OUR DISORDER TO VINDICATE YOUR BEHAVIOR. THOUGHT CRIMES ARENT REAL BUT ACTIONS STILL MATTER. PEOPLE WITH OCD ARE CAPABLE OF THINKING CRITICALLY ABOUT OUR ACTIONS AND RESPONSES, EVEN WITH INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS AND RUMINATIONS. TREATING US AS IF WE CANNOT, ONLY TO FORCE US TO USE YOUR STRINGENT UNNUANCED DISCOURSE OPINIONS ABOUT "PURITY CULTURE" (TRIGGERING TO THOSE WITH OCD) AS THE ONLY REASONABLE GUIDE DOES MORE TO EXACERBATE OUR OBSESSIONS THAN HELP US. YOU ARE THE ISSUE AS WELL. YOU ARE ALSO THE TUMBLR DISCOURSER INSIDE OUR HEADS. DO NOT USE US FOR YOUR DISCOURSE. WE ARE PEOPLE, NOT HYPOTHETICALS TO USE TO EXPLAIN IF YOUR FROZEN INCEST FANFICTION IS OKAY OR NOT. TREATING US AS IF WE CANNOT AUTONOMOUSLY HAVE OUR OWN OPINIONS ON WHEN MEDIA IS TANGIBLY HARMFUL IS ABLEIST. FORCING US TO ABIDE BY YOUR IN-GROUP'S SET OF UNEQUIVOCAL MORALS IS ABLEIST. ACTING AS THOUGH THE ONLY SOLUTION FOR US IS MINDLESS MEDIA CONSUMPTION IN WHICH "EVERY DEPICTION OF XYZ, NO MATTER HOW POORLY DONE OR EXPLOITATIVE, IS ALWAYS OKAY AND IF YOU DISAGREE YOURE ACTUALLY AN EVIL 'ANTI'" IS ABLEIST. THOSE ARE THE SAME BLACK-AND-WHITE MORALS THAT SEND US INTO OBSESSIVE SPIKES, BUT FLIPPED. A SET OF MORALS IN WHICH QUESTIONING THE IMPACT OF A PIECE OF WORK MAKES YOU AN "EVIL CONSERVATIVE PURITAN "ANTI"" DOES NOT HELP MORAL OCD.

YOU ARE THE DAMN TUMBLR DISCOUERSERS MAKING THIS SHIT WORSE FOR US! YOURE THE EXACT SAME BUT WITH FLIPPED BUZZWORDS! YOU'RE MISSING THE WHOLE DAMN POINT!

[rhowena]

"I have had the capability to pull the strings behind the most powerful thrones in Exandria for some time. And I've only done so towards these ends. I don't wish to control. I don't wish to be a tyrant. I just want them gone."

The irony of this statement is that Ludinus's single-minded obsession with killing the gods is precisely what makes him so controlling and tyrannical. He could have spent this entire time using his extended lifespan to shape the Dwendalian Empire into a glittering jewel of a kingdom, as J'mon Sa Ord has done with Ank'Harel. He could have channeled his negative experiences with authority into offering the people under him the kind of support he wishes he'd received, as Vex has been doing in Whitestone and Emon. He could take five minutes out of his day once in a while to spend some low-level spell slots or short rest resources helping people he crosses paths with, as Trist and Ayden did multiple times during Downfall. Instead, he's stayed focused entirely on himself and his petty personal vendetta.

[ky-landfill]

god... can i please have another Jason and Bruce? i just need that boy to be safe and loved

[writingwithcolor]

Author with cultural disconnect: How do I write without making it seem as if I hate my own heritage?

Anonymous asked:

I’m a white-passing Asian author, and I’ve never felt all that connected with my heritage. My current story centers on a fairy (re: fantasy-world POC) child and ends with her realizing that her parents are toxic af and her human best friend’s family takes her in. This is the perfect opportunity to sort through my own issues with my heritage and finally convince my monkey-brain that it’s okay to not know how to cook Vietnamese food or celebrate tet or speak Vietnamese… But I also realize that if I’m not careful, this could easily slip into “Hey, I hate my heritage and so should you!” So how can I stop that from happening?

Writing for yourself first, not an audience

I ask you a simple question: why put pressure on yourself to have any sort of non-offensive messaging for a story that hasn’t been drafted yet and is to convince your monkey brain it’s okay to exist as yourself?

That seems like the fastest way to stop the story from being actually cathartic and instead a performance art piece when you already feel hung up on performing as “properly” part of your culture.

As I said in Working Through Identity Issues and Other Pitfalls of Representation, not all stories you write need to be for public consumption. Especially stories you’re using for your own self-processing and therapy, because you’re trying to get a cathartic moment that is rewriting your own story.

At what point does the public need to be involved in that?

I do understand the compulsion to want to post—I have definitely posted some Questionable™ material in my drive to get validation for feeling the way I do, wanting people to witness me and say “same.” It’s a powerful urge. Sometimes it’s worked, but most of the time it’s just made me feel horrifically exposed.

But you really do not have to post in public to get any sort of validation. Set up a groupchat with friends if you want the cheerleading and witnessing—people who will know your story and give you good-faith interpretations and won’t accuse you of anything. Honestly I’d suggest setting up this groupchat anyway; as someone who just got one again after quite a few years without it, my productivity has skyrocketed from being around supportive people.

Let the monkey brain have its monkey brain moment and shut off the concept the story is for the public. Shut off the concept of performing for an unknown audience. It’s for you. Be authentic, no matter how bad it would look to outsiders. They’re not reading it. Part of getting catharsis, sometimes, is being the worst version of yourself, somewhere nobody else can see it.

Deciding to publish the work

If, after you do write it, you find that you actually do want to polish it up and put it somewhere… edit it. Rewrite it entirely if that’s what it takes. Take the story through the same drafting process every story needs to go through, ripping out the unfortunate implications as you go.

Editing can be its own form of healing, as you try to figure out what this character would need to not be hateful. As you realize, once this longform journal entry is out of your head, what was bothering you now that you can see it pinned down on a page. But you absolutely do not need to write with the intention of editing in that healing. When I’ve tried, it’s fallen flat.

The healing will come from being yourself, no public involved, and writing about your feelings in their rawest form. Anything else is extra.

There’s no point in trying to put guard rails on the drafting process, not for a deeply personal piece. And by the time that drafting process is done, you’ll likely have specific scenarios and contexts that you can ask about, and you might even have ideas on how to fix it yourself once the story has a shape to it.

This is 100% a situation where there’s no real sense in idea workshopping something in the plotting stage. You’re doing something for you. Decide if it’s for public consumption later (while acknowledging “no” is a perfectly valid answer), and only figure out how to make the story not overtly harmful if you decide to put it out into the public.

~ Leigh

[mikkeneko]

Don't want to put this on the post itself for risk of derailing it, but that post the other day about Terry Pratchett's early work really stuck in my mind. OP had sent in an ask saying that they heard some of Pratchett's earlier works had problematic elements (not unusual for a male english writer in the 80s) and they weren't sure whether to go ahead with reading the work anyway.

What I really want to ask that person, or indeed all persons who are hesitating over whether or not to read problematic works or works by imperfect authors:

What are you worried about happening, if you read a work with problematic elements?

I'm worried that if I read this art, I will run across hateful images or words that will shock or upset me

I'm worried that I will spend money on a work of art that then financially supports a bad person, and that thought makes me uncomfortable or upset

I'm worried that I will read works of art written by a bad person, and comment or react on them, and other people will see what I am reading and will think less of me because of it, or will assume that I hold the same bad beliefs as the author

I'm worried that I will read works of art written by a bad person, and I will enjoy them, and the author will find out about my enjoyment and feel emboldened to do bad things because of it

I'm worried that I will read works of art written by a bad person, and their badness will contaminate my way of thinking and make me a worse person in turn

Because these are all different answers and some of them are more actionable than others

[pratchettquotes]

"But Nanny...Gytha..."said Magrat.

"Hmm?"

"All that...stuff...she was saying, when we were traveling. It was so...so cold. Wasn't it? Not wishing for things, not using magic to help people, not being able to do that fire thing--and then she went and did all those things! What am I supposed to make of that?"

"Ah, well," said Nanny. "It's all according to the general and the specific, right?"

"What does that mean?" Magrat lay down on the bed.

"Means when Esme uses words like 'Everyone' and 'No one' she doesn't include herself."

"You know...when you think about it...that's terrible."

"That's witchcraft. Up at the sharp end. And now...get some sleep."

Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad

[kindgreenape]

i think kim is just as complex of a character as harry, but i think a good amount of players (not all, but a chunk) choose to unflinchingly characterize him as “the Good Cop” and leave it at that.

[bixels]

if she’s a trans woman, why did you “get a go-ahead” from a transmasc person? feel like i’m not really following the logic here. not to rail on you but you’re the one looking for permission and accuracy. plenty of gnc transfems on tbis site would love to chat about their personal experiences…

They're one of my closest IRL friends and a queer artist who focuses on depictions of queer bodies. I didn't specifically reach out for permission, I brought it up during last year's Pride Month, we spoke about Noora, and they helped me design her jacket. This wasn't a formal thing, just a conversation with a genderqueer friend that helped me shape Noora's character.

[tenaciousgeckos]

One of my favourite things about The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe is that CS Lewis very obviously knew that kids were going to go hunting in cupboards and wardrobes for Narnia because multiple times he very clearly states that the kids did not close the door behind them when they climbed in the wardrobe because that would be stupid and dangerous. He knew some kid would lock themselves in the closet and he obviously didn’t want to be responsible for that.

[angelsgame-au]

♥ Welcome to ANGELtown!!

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♥ Characters ♥

The main characters of this ask blog are Angel and Kris. Other characters may show up from time to time but most asks should be directed to Angel and Kris.

Kris uses they/them pronouns ONLY in this AU

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Most asks will be answered in character. It's important to note that Angel's dialogue will always have a little heart at the front of it and will typically be written in red text.

♥ Like this!!

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♥ Rules and Boundaries ♥

I accept in character and out of character asks, however there are some rules about the content of said asks.

No NSFW

Please keep topics light. Yes there may be some darker themes in the lore/story but I don't want to delve too deep into that kind of stuff.

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Important tags below vvvv

[beebfreeb]

Does combo get along with the other sugar rush racers? Or do they all mutually avoid each other

He doesn't go out of his way to interact with them. Breaker does try to be polite, but he's not sure how to talk to children. There's a lot he just ignores...

I'd imagine how the racers feel about him depends on how much they like King Candy.

[drarrily-we-row-along]

"Come on," Draco said, dragging Harry in the door by the lapels on his expensive suit jacket. He looked delectable and Draco wanted to drown in him.

Harry stumbled, collapsing against Draco, pressing him back against the wall in the hallway, "Mmrmph," he managed as Draco grabbed his face and kissed him hard.

His hands went straight to Harry's buttons, tugging them hard enough that the fabric bit into his fingers, stinging as he ripped Harry's shirt.

"Draco," he gasped, pulling back, something in his voice sounding vaguely concerned.

And he very much didn't want that. Draco dove into kissing him again, groping Harry's back, pressing their bodies more tightly together. He didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to think about it, didn't want anything but Harry-

"Draco," he repeated, pulling back again and catching Draco's hands. He pressed them back against the wall next to his head trapping him again but not in a sexy way. "Wait," he said, voice soft, and Draco's saw red.

"Don't," he growled. "Harry. Fucking don't," he spit, shaking his head and fighting against Harry's grip on his wrists. "Let me go."

"Hey," he said, achingly tender, and Draco would have punched him if he'd had his hands free. "Can we talk about that?"

"No," he said, "I don't fucking want to talk about it. I want you to fuck me until I can't think straight."

Harry tilted his head down, trying to get Draco to meet his eyes.

Draco was absolutely not having it, he didn't want to look at Harry, didn't want to feel like this. "If you're not going to fuck me, let me go and I'll go find someone who will," he threatened.

Harry sucked a breath through his teeth, "you don't mean that," he said.

He glared at him, hoped that his face conveyed all of the anger and vitriol he was feeling, "Don't tell me what I will or won't do," he said. "Don't pretend to control me. You don't."

His hands were released and Harry took a step back, his torn shirt hanging open, leaving the image of his heaving chest incredibly clear. "Fine," he said, stepping away and turning toward the living room. "You're right," he added over his shoulder, "I don't control you. But I do get to control me, and I don't like being used."

"I'm not trying to use you!" he exclaimed, storming after his boyfriend.

Harry made his way into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He took a long drink before he turned to look at Draco, "What were you trying to do then?"

He threw his arms in the air, "trying to get fucked!"

"In order to avoid talking about what happened at your parents'," Harry said.

"What does it even matter?" he exclaimed. "Why does it matter why I want you to fuck me into incoherency? Especially when it's something that you want too!"

"I just want to talk to you first," Harry said. "Is that too much to ask? To just have a little communication?"

He scowled, rage sitting high in his chest, "Yes. It is too much to ask, I don't want to fucking talk. I thought I was dating a man, not some fucking woman who feels the compulsive need to talk everything to death."

Harry flinched, "Too far," he growled.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he snarled, "Have I hurt your delicate feelings?" And he knew he was being an asshole, knew that he was lashing out, but he was so mad, absolutely raging and he couldn't seem to stop himself. He didn't want to stop; he wanted to fight, wanted to hurt.

"I'm not doing this," Harry said. "I'm not having a fight about this."

He stalked over and shoved Harry, both palms flat against his chest, "Fight with me!" he roared. "Yell at me, tell me I'm wrong," his fists hit Harry's chest. "Come on!"

"No," Harry said. "I'm not going to do that. I don't want to treat you that way."

A glass shattered behind him, Draco's magic swirling through him. "I'm leaving."

"Fine," Harry said, standing with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Fine," Draco snapped, stalking away from the other man and heading straight for the door. He summoned a bottle of whiskey and paused on their front step. He had half a mind to go to some club, find some random bloke to sleep with, someone who would really pound him. But decided that Pansy's was actually the place he should crash. She was always good for a fight.

-------------

Draco woke up the next morning, in Pansy's guest bed, with an awful hangover and an even worse feeling swirling in the pit of his gut. "Shit," he whispered, rubbing his face and trying not to panic.

"Hey, there," Pansy said from the doorway, tossing a hangover potion at his head.

He caught it and uncapped it, draining it and shuddering at the immediate effects. "I fucked up," he managed once most of the symptoms of the whiskey he'd consumed vanished and left only the guilt and shame behind.

She nodded, "I said that last night," she replied flippantly as she sat down next to him on the bed and handed him a cup of coffee. "And then we had a spectacular row about it."

Draco sipped his coffee, "I wanted to have a fight with him."

"Right, but he didn't."

He groaned as the words he'd said to Harry the night before flitted through his mind, "I was awful to him."

"Go home," she said.

He shook his head, "What if he's mad?"

"Then you'll get that fight you were so desperate for," she teased, bumping her shoulder against his.

"What if he's not?" he whispered, the thought somehow even more horrifying.

"Go home," she repeated, nudging him out of bed. "I've got company coming for brunch," she added.

He turned to look at her, "Thanks," he whispered, grateful beyond measure that she would fight with him when he needed an outlet without batting an eye.

"That's what best friends are for," she said with a wink. "Now go."

He trudged home, deciding to walk instead of apparate, trying to work out what he was going to say and mostly failing.

When he came in, Harry looked up from where he was sitting at their kitchen table. Unshaven, puffy red eyes, mouth turned down in a frown, his eyes flickered over Draco's body before meeting his gaze.

"I stayed with Pansy," Draco said softly, by way of apology.

Harry nodded, then looked away from Draco to stare out the window, taking a sip of coffee from his cup.

"I didn't sleep with someone else," he continued. Draco couldn't bring himself to walk closer, to come in out of the doorway, he wasn't entirely sure it would be welcome.

The other man winced but said nothing, didn't even nod.

"You're not going to even talk to me?"

"What would you like me to say?" Harry asked, turning his face to look at him, exhaustion written across it plain as day. "Do you want me to tell you that I stayed up all night, waiting for you to come home? Should I tell you that I thought about going out to all of our normal clubs to see if I could find you, but was too afraid that you'd come back and think that I'd left you?" he asked, running a hand through his hair, "Would you like me to tell you that my entire body felt like it was burning up with rage and jealousy but I couldn't-" he broke off and shook his head and looked down at the table. "I couldn't tell you, couldn't do anything with how angry I was because that isn't how I want to treat you. Is that what you want to hear?"

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

At that Harry looked up at him and Draco took a step closer.

"I'm sorry I said those things, I didn't mean them. I was just angry and I wanted to fight with you." He shook his head, "My parents, they just-" he broke off.

Harry reached for him, took Draco's hands in his and drew him in closer before pressing kisses to his knuckles, "I know," he said softly. "I was mad at them too, love. They had no right to speak to you that way."

Tears prickled the backs of his eyes as hurt and resentment build up in his throat and chest at the remembrance of their criticism.

"And I didn't want to hurt you more," he continued. "I didn't want to add to that burden." He tugged Draco down until he had him sitting cradled in his lap like Draco was a toddler instead of a twenty three year old. "I love you. I want to fight for you," he added and Draco buried his face in Harry's neck, his stubble scratching his temple and cheek.

"I love you," he whispered, the feeling so big, so present that it terrified him.

Harry turned his head to kiss Draco's temple, "I love you too. I want to honor you and be on your side."

He nodded, "I want that too," he confessed. "I just get afraid to let myself believe that you want to be on my side. What if I end up needing you?"

His lover chuckled softly, breath ghosting through Draco's hair, "It's a scary thought that maybe we weren't made to do life alone, isn't it?"

"I don't want to need you."

"Why?" he asked softly, hands brushing over Draco's back soothingly.

He held his breath for a long moment before saying, "if I start to need you and then you leave, what will I do?"

With a soft hum, Harry held him closer, "I hear that," he replied. "I'm scared to need you too, but it doesn't change the fact that I do. I could live without you, Draco," he said, "and you could live without me too. But I'd rather live with you," he continued. "I'd rather put in the work to live with you, to love you. My life is better with you in it."

"Mine too," he agreed.

Harry nodded, "Maybe we just take it one day at a time, maybe we just work on trusting that neither of us is going anywhere. Maybe you let me be on your side, and I let you be on mine."

"And then what?" he murmured, fear and hope warring in his heart.

"Then," Harry said, drawing him impossibly closer, "we just keep doing it for the rest of our lives, one day at a time."

--------------------

Read more of my fics

[mj-iza-writer]

This was by special request of @monarchthefirst . I do hope you enjoy this story. Thankyou for your request.

Whumpee sighed as they felt the crowbar under their chin.

Their head was lifted up to look at their captor.

"You know... one of your teammates here holds a secret. A secret that I need to continue with my plans. It would be better for your health if they just said it out loud", Whumper smirked, "but no..  you are making everything so difficult by ordering them to keep quiet. Though I do enjoy beating you up... it's quite annoying that I haven't gotten the secret yet. You've been here for a few days now... how much more do you think you can take?"

"I'm nearly getting started, but we can take a break if you're tired", Whumpee looked over themself, "no matter what... no matter what, they can't tell you."

The crowbar slammed into Whumpee's stomach.

"Ymm, you suck", Whumpee grunted.

"What is that code?", Whumper took a fist full of Whumpee's hair.

"I don't know the code", Whumpee winced again, "it was classified information."

"So who knows it?", Whumper looked over the group.

"That's the point. I don't know who knows it, and you don't know who knows it", Whumpee laughed while still in pain.

"I guess I'll just keep beating you up until someone spills then", Whumper hit Whumpee again with the crowbar, "or should I move on to someone else."

"No... just keep attacking me... I can.... I can handle it", Whumpee already struggled to stand.

Caretaker watched helplessly... everyone had been shackled across the room from Whumpee. All they could do was watch their leader get pummeled.

Caretaker knew the code. They wanted to say it so badly. It would doom the world, but the price their friend was paying... the world would never know of what their heroics. Their friend could possibly get killed by Whumper, and with the nature of this job, they could be buried in an unmarked spot. Unknown to the world that a hero was buried there.

"211093599999", someone next to Caretaker cried out.

It was youngest.. they were red in the face... tear tracks down their cheeks.

"Please stop hurting them", youngest screamed.

Caretaker looked at youngest then at Whumpee.

"No no no', Whumpee yelled and tugged at their restraints.

Whumper sauntered towards the teammate with a smug grin, "what was that?"

"211093599999... please don't hurt Leader anymore", Youngest sobbed.

"You've been very helpful", Whumper chuckled as they left.

"Why did you do that? How do you even know the code?", Whumpee glared, "you're the newest one here."

"I-I don't know the code. I was hoping they would give you a break", Youngest looked down.

Whumpee took a deep breath, and winced at the pain. It hurt, but they had to keep up this front. Their team needed them to be strong.... they had to be a leader first.

Whumpee sighed, "okay, but now once they find out that code is no good, they will be back. Whoever knows the real code better keep their mouth shut. I'm trying to hold out until our rescue. No matter what happens to me, it is of the utmost importance that code does not get to Whumper. I understand that I might die, but I will hold out at least until you all are rescued."

"What if we don't get rescued?", another teammate questioned.

"I sent out an SOS while we were being captured. It will take time, but it's coming", Whumpee tried to reposition how they were standing, but their face said it all.

"Let one of us take some of the beatings for you..  this isn't fair", one of teammates pleaded.

"No, I am getting all of you out of here one way or another", Whumpee frowned, "living will just be a luxury, but you will all make it out even if it kills me."

"You probably won't have long then", Caretaker said sternly, "I don't want to lose my friend... not like this."

Whumpee's breathing was ragged, and their legs struggled to keep them up.

"If... we don't... if we tell them the... code... hmmph", Whumpee almost fell forward, "then we won't... have a world to... to live in."

"I don't want to live without you Whumpee... don't you get that?", Caretaker yelled.

"I'm sorry Caretaker", Whumpee whispered, "we don't... have a choice right now. We can't doom the world because we want something."

After a few minutes the door slammed open.

"I'm gonna kill them... they wasted my time", Whumper stormed toward the youngest.

"No please", Whumpee pulled themself up and tried to run forward only stopping when the shackles held them back, "don't hurt them."

"Beg me... you better beg for me to stab you or else this one gets it", Whumper pulled a dagger out and pointed it at Youngest.

Whumpee looked at youngest then the knife.

Without another thought they swallowed their pride.

"Please I beg of you", Whumpee's body went slack in its weakness, "let me take their punishment. Please stab me, you know you are mostly frustrated with me anyway. I'm the reason the code isn't being said. I just want to see my team make it out of here. Please, I-I can take it."

"Wow the great Whumpee groveling to me", Whumper stated with an impressed tone, "fine, I'll stab you then."

Whumpee fought to stand up, a good warrior should always die on their feet. At least that's how they were trained.

"Youngest", Whumpee frowned as they watched Whumper get closer.

"Yes", youngest squeaked through their sobs.

"Close your eyes, all the rest of you can as well. I won't blame you", Whumpee's heart beat faster with every step Whumper made, "it's been an honor to serve all of you as your leader."

Whumpee watched as a few of the members averted their eyes. Whumpee locked eyes with Caretaker.

"I'll be seeing you friend", Whumpee whispered and gave a weak smile.

Whumpee gathered their strength, "HUURAH!"

Whumpee bit their bottom lip as the knife broke skin and went deep into their shoulder. They didn't want to scream and make it worse for their team.

"I'm not done with you yet... you'll die when I tell you", Whumper smirked, "you did such a good job begging I want to hear more. I want you to beg me to kill you."

"Not with my team here", Whumpee gasped through gritted teeth.

Whumper twisted the knife into Whumpee's shoulder and cut until they hit the collar bone.

"You'll let your pride elongate your torment and for what?", Whumper made a quick jolt causing the knife to be pulled out.

"I won't let you get the satisfaction", Whumpee spat.

Whumper slammed a fist into Whumpee's stab wound.

Whumpee couldn't hold back the scream as pain shot through their upper body.

Whumper stood back for a moment to admire the great leader in this weakened state.

Suddenly the door slammed open.

In only enough time to turn, Whumper was shot dead. Their blood spattered on everyone in the room. Whumpee watched as the body slumped to the floor.

"Finally", Whumpee whispered as they also collapsed.

"Save them", Caretaker yelled as they pulled at their restraints.

Several member of the organization they worked for came streaming in. Teammates began to be removed and taken to the medics for assessment and aid.

Caretaker hurried to Whumpee's side and grasped their hand.

"Please just stay a little longer. You're a fighter, just fight a little longer for me and for this team", Caretaker pleaded.

"I did my.... job", Whumpee whispered weakly, "that... that's... I'm so tired."

Whumpee went quiet. They were too weak to continue talking. Their eyes stayed trained on Caretaker though. Almost as if they were saying that they'd stay if Caretaker stayed. Caretaker needed to stay with them. They needed to be right next to Whumpee now.

Caretaker held Whumpee's hand tightly. Whumpee's fingers shook and felt like they were ice cold.

A team of medics worked quickly and expertly on Whumpee. They had no way of moving until Whumpee was stable.

"You still with me Whumpee?", Caretaker squeezed Whumpee's hand.

Whumpee was pale and sluggish from the blood loss, but still managed to move their fingers.

"Caretaker, some of the teammates want to come up and be with Whumpee. Do we have your permission to allow them in?", someone knelt down to get closer.

Caretaker looked into Whumpee's eyes. They already knew it would dishonor Whumpee to allow the team to see them like this.

"No, request denied", Caretaker shook their head, "tell them Whumpee says, HUURAH, they will know what that means. They may not see Whumpee... right now."

Whumpee's face lit up slightly with appreciation.

"I know how you are", Caretaker whispered.

"They're talking about medivac.... you and I are getting lifted out of here in a few minutes. We are getting out of here Whumpee", Caretaker smiled, "you are doing such a good job holding on for me. I know it's... I know I am being selfish to ask this of you, but please just hold on a little longer."

Whumpee weakly nodded.

Whumpee woke up and looked around.

They were in... they looked around a little more. They had no idea where they were. Everything was too fuzzy.

"Ymph", Whumpee groaned as they tried to sit up.

A hand shot out of no where and held their good shoulder down.

Whumpee jumped... they had thought they were alone.

"Don't you dare try sitting up", a familiar voice warned.

"Where are we?", Whumpee relaxed, "that is you right Caretaker?"

"It's me", Caretaker leaned up into Whumpee's view, "we are back at home base. You went unconscious on the helicopter. Gave the team and I a moment of panic. I have a few more gray hairs thanks to you."

"Team? What about our team? Everyone is home?", Whumpee whispered.

"Yes you got everyone out just like you said you would. The worst the rest of us have is some raw skin from the shackles. You took everything else for us", Caretaker gently patted Whumpee's good shoulder, "though I think you're an absolute idiot for doing that. I'm so proud of you. I know your team is also."

"Are they all home now, anyone still in medbay?", Whumpee looked around.

"Everyone is released from med. We have to follow up every few days. All of the team is sitting outside that door waiting for permission to see you", Caretaker admitted, "they all slept in the hall last night. Much to the nurses disgust."

Whumpee looked at the door.

"You're our hero Whumpee", Caretaker sighed as they moved some clumped, matted hair from Whumpee's face.

"I'm kind of curious who knew the code now. Whoever it was did a good job keeping it", Whumpee grinned, "has the threat been figured out yet?"

"Yes the threat has been disabled. I am the one who knew the code Whumpee", Caretaker frowned, "you have no idea how many times I almost said it just to save you."

"I'm glad you didn't. You can get another leader. We can't get another world", Whumpee fidgetted with the covers for a second before settling again.

"Yes, but I can't get another Whumpee. You are not just my leader Whumpee... you are my friend" Caretaker smiled, "I don't want to replace you."

The door to the room opened.

Youngest leaned in with their hand covering their eyes.

"I'm not looking, but we can hear you both talking in here. Please can we see Leader yet", Youngest pleaded.

A bunch of agreements followed from behind Youngest.

Caretaker turned to Whumpee, "it's up to you now", Caretaker shrugged.

Whumpee looked back at the door, "alright, I suppose you've all waited long enough. Come on in."

Caretaker stood up and blocked the bed from the team.

"Slowly and gently. Do not climb on top of Leader", Caretaker sighed, then glared at a member who was already ready to pounce onto the bed for a hug, "we are going to be calm. We are going to sit or stand calmly around Leader and talk. And, when Leader says they are tired we are all going to leave quietly and orderly. Am I clear?"

"Yes Caretaker", everyone straightened themselves up.

Whumpee answered a long list of questions from everyone.

After about an hour, Whumpee tiredly let their head drop a few times.

"I'm not use to Leader being like this", Youngest looked at Caretaker and frowned.

"They had a lot taken out of them to protect us", Caretaker sighed as they stood.

Whumpee woke up again and looked around, "sorry, I think I'm on my way to another nap", Whumpee frowned.

"Alright everyone out. Leader needs their rest", Caretaker started to usher everyone out.

"I need to talk to Youngest for a moment", Whumpee watched as the others left.

"Alright, I'll go get you some water", Caretaker nodded.

Youngest watched Whumpee nervously.

"Is this about me lying to try to get you a break?", Youngest fiddled with their fingers.

"Eh, sort of, but also to check on you", Whumpee sighed, "I know all of you witnessed a horrible thing, and I will require each of you to see a therapist for a few visits. Something like that can really mess with someone."

"I'm okay", Youngest couldn't make eye contact, "I was trying to help, but I didn't think about them coming back and making it worse."

"Yes. I kind of had a feeling it wouldn't go well", Whumpee smiled weakly, "though I appreciate you thinking of me. Now, back to how you're feeling. Do you want to tell me the truth now?"

Youngest continued to look at the floor. It was growing harder to hold back tears.

"You can be honest with me", Whumpee followed up.

Youngest wiped their sleeve across their eyes to wipe away the tears now falling.

"It was....uhm... I was so scared that you were going to die. I didn't want to lose you", Youngest admitted then cried louder, "I just joined your team, and I love it so much. You are a great leader, and have been so patient with my screw ups. I don't want to find another leader."

Whumpee nodded, "I'm sorry you had to witness that. I had a feeling it affected you a lot to watch."

"It's okay, I'm just glad you are okay, and that we are safe now", Youngest smiled weakly, "you are okay right?"

"I think so", Whumpee grinned, "and if Caretaker has anything to with it, I'll be well soon."

Youngest smiled bigger, "thank goodness."

Caretaker came in once Youngest walked out and skipped past.

"Alright you, I need you to drink some of this, then you can have a nap", Caretaker held a cup and helped put the straw in Whumpee's mouth.

Whumpee nodded and started to drink.

Caretaker pulled the covers up farther for Whumpee then pointed a fan at them.

"Nice and cozy", Caretaker smiled as they sat down.

"You're staying in here with me?" Whumpee looked at them questioningly.

"Don't I always stay with you when you're sick", Caretaker sat down, "your stoic personality cover doesn't fool me. You're still my poor, defenseless soldier who came under my care a few years ago when you were severely injured. You will always be my responsibility to keep safe while you're healing, no matter how dumb your motives are."

A big smile crossed Whumpee's face, "thankyou Caretaker."

"You're welcome Whumpee", Caretaker reached up and adjusted the pillow a little then moved some of Whumpee's messy hair aside, "get some rest Whumpee."

"Okay", Whumpee yawned, "huurah."

"Huurah Whumpee", Caretaker repeated, "huurah."

Taglist. As always please let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the list. It's not a problem at all.

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