#but clockwork is also a meddling dick | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aanau · 4 years ago

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this is the ultimate enemy rewrite post cause someone made the mistake of asking me how i’d rewrite danny phantom and the ultimate enemy required its own damn novel

ok the more i think the more i actually want to keep many of the parts the same because TUE i think is actually pretty damn good (with some stuff holding it back like is the deal with most of DP) just with different interpretations/executions, the WHY and intention is changing around a bit. Also i forgot clockworks name until halfway through typing this when it just CAME to me out of nowhere so he’s just mr time guy for a bit.

anyway long post under the cut. i literally do not expect anyone to read this but its here like all my other nonsense. again, not much is changing structurally, but a lot changing thematically.

* I love the original opening. It’s so good. Futuristic Amity Park, surrounded by desolation. What happened? And as we follow Valerie we get more questions. Where are the Fentons? Where is our trio? And the reveal of Dan (i imagine canonically he just goes by Phantom) is fantastic. And the pause and zoom out to Mr Time Guy being tasked with preventing this future and then the baller opening theme plays? Classic. Peak cinema. You have the suspense and intrigue. Fantastic opening would not change a thing EXCEPT FentonWorks is completely gone and replaced, but we can tell it used to be the FentonWorks based on some reused materials in its structure and its location, though it might not be completely obvious.

* So we have the same trigger: the test. The thing that forces Danny to think about his future. He’s been throwing his future away with his ghost fighting with his grades, absences, and mental+physical health and now he’s confronted with the CATs. There’d be some commentary on how stupid it is to place this much pressure on a single test you take as a teenager that decides your future as a bonus via Sam.

* The purpose is mainly to show Danny’s growth from the beginning of this hypothetical rewrite of the series. Earlier, he wouldn’t think twice about using his powers to cheat. But now he’s having some ~inner conflict~ which shows hey he actually is learning “With Great Power...” and is developing a stronger moral code.

* But we also see some resentment. He does all this work, sacrificing his physical and mental wellbeing, and now as he is realizing, his future, to protect people. He rationalizes to Sam and Tucker that he “deserves” to cheat. They understand and they can’t really argue with him, but they still voice their discomfort. Even Sam, the resident “standardized tests are stupid and the education system is corrupt” gal feels like it’s wrong, because she has always felt using your powers to get ahead and take advantage is the problem, not necessarily the cheating itself. The audience is meant to sympathize with bth Sam and Danny’s viewpoints, though.

* Amidst the stress, and amidst the moral dilemma and rationalization of how much Danny sacrifices so why shouldn’t he cheat, we bring back a previous episode plot point: how the ghost portal will explode if the filter is not changed. The Nasty Burger explosion thing is stupid, and we already have this established, and it will also make more sense for Lancer to meet at the Fenton household and for everyone to be there. While Danny studies and gets into an argument with Jazz a ghost attacks and Danny is at peak stress and is now hurt and tired from fighting on top of it so he’s not at his best work and the ghost ends up damaging the ecto filter without him noticing. It starts overheating or whatever it does. This is not Danny’s fault btw im not buying into blaming the 14 yo kid with a dangerous life and not-great adult figures.

* Lancer has a suspicion that Danny is Phantom but he’s never 100% sure. In the original timeline, he wants to meet with the entire Fenton family as well as Sam and Tucker because Danny cheating on the CATs (which only a ghost could do so he goes from suspicious that Danny is Phantom to certain, so Danny cheating essentially reveals his identity) is the final straw for him to want to intervene for Danny’s wellbeing and Sam and Tucker are involved and will need to be there too. Anyway, Danny does sorta accidentally steal the answers in the current timeline in the same coincidental way as in the show (because if he stole them intentionally I feel it’d regress his character TOO much...him accidentally stumbling upon them and the moral dilemma being “do i put them back or do i take advantage of this incident” feels less like Danny is regressing and being the same kid he started the series as to me and more like his progress and growth is being challenged), but he doesn’t yet look at them. The moment he tries to, because Danny looking at the answers is the point of no return where Mr Lancer will be able to tell Danny is Phantom and get everyone to meet (worth noting that the Fentons would have had time to notice the filter needs to be fixed if not for the call by Mr Lancer, that’s why the cheating specifically is the thing that locks the timeline lol). Mr Time Guy intervenes by sending a ghost from the future to stop him, and take them to his lair through the time pendant.

* The trio walk through the castle, seeing little hourglasses with scenes playing out. They recognize some moments from their own lives as well as some historical events and reason that they’re seeing snippets of time. Tucker touches one and gets scolded for it but he’s like “damn did anyone just see that I just saw what happened to amelia earhart” or some other historical mystery askfjdjd. They come across the main “hub” which is currently showing the future with Dan destroying the last of Amity Park

* So here’s where I stop to explain how I think this all works. I generally subscribe to the headcanon that ghosts are “impressions”/minimalistic copies of people who died with unresolved feelings. They’re not actually the people, which is how they can both be people who died and just creatures from another world. Some ghosts are born in the ghost zone, and there are some “deity” ghosts, but those deity ghosts are just really powerful ghosts and don’t actually act as gods or anything, just rulers of the GZ who meddle to keep things running smoothly in their dimension. The GZ runs parallel to the real world (and they “leak” into each other, exacerbated by the existence of the two ghost portals and two halfas who kinda made the two worlds collide permanently...so like before they were running parallel next to each other never colliding with “leaks” but now they bend and collide every time the portal opens or Danny and Vlad transform) so chaos in the human world ends up affecting the GZ etc so the deity ghosts meddle more in the human world to protect their own world with how much chaos the new connections have caused. Maybe I made it super confusing but that’s the best explanation I can think of on how I see it.

* I imagine the dynamic timeline theory rather than a multiverse theory (or fixed timeline where what you do to change history has already been done). Changing something changes the whole timeline, not makes a new one. There’s only one timeline that can be altered. Paradoxes don’t usually exist because Time Guy takes care of them/prevents them as the only person with the power to travel through time, and he can undo events and clean up paradoxes easily with whatever timey wimey magic he’s got. Also time just keeps progressing with or without you if you leave your time unless he specifically plops you back where you exited from

* Back to the story! Danny still has the same first reaction of “wow what a cool power!” cause i love that for him lmao. But he is horrified after. Clockwo—FUCK THATS HIS NAME TOOK ME LONG ENOUGH—ANYWAY CLOCKWORK!! Eggs Danny on for a fight, Tuck figures out the pendants and gives one to each of them, but the fight is still outmatched, forcing them to escape into the future.Really it all plays out basically the same: they meet Valerie who drops hints of what happened, then they meet Dan, they get hints from him, Sam and Tucker take off their pendants before getting killed and return home, Dan tells Danny what happened and traps him in the future while he goes back to ensure everything happens the way its supposed to. Few things I’d add: Sam and Tucker stay a bit longer in the future with Danny. Valerie catches up on the situation and gets back up to kick ass so the kiddos can get away. She probably shouts a warning to them while they run or asks them to make sure this never happens. They run through Amity Park a bit more and discuss what’s happening while hiding from Dan. When Sam and tuck get away back to the present, Dan phases the pendant in Danny and ties him up and sends him into the GZ while he goes back and ensures everything happens as it should.

* Dan is able to pass as younger Danny scarily well. It should be very creepy and unsettling how well he can just mimic the lovable Danny we know. He already had some of the same mannerisms (i noticed in the og how both danny and dan say “oh please...” a lot) but now he also looks like danny and sounds like him

* Same thing happens in the GZ: Danny’s attacked by a bunch of ghosts his future self has screwed over. Dan’s just hella malicious. He just enjoys hurting people and ghosts, and taking things and power (something Vlad does btw, takes advantage of people, hurts people, power hungry, etc). Danny wonders why he’d ever get enjoyment from causing so much suffering but upon some reflection after some comments from the other ghosts, realizes he’d always been sorta a dick to people and ghosts (not horrible, of course, but in the og cartoon there are many instances of Danny taking enjoyment in causing pain to people he doesn’t like and being unnecessarily cruel to ghosts who could probably just be reasoned with, and of course he also has instances of power hunger).

* He ghostly wails (since he knows the power exists, he’s able to manifest is sooner) and escapes and before he takes the medallion out he wants to find out more before he goes charging in (basically showing more character growth—not charging in without a plan, and also having more empathy and thinking maybe he can reason with his older self and appeal to his better nature if he just finds out what went wrong—side note my friend when rewatching DP said he kinda wished for a bit more of a steven universe vibe where there would be more instances of danny needing to be kind and helpful to his enemies rather than punch first questions later and i agree that this would be a good development—obvs not a rule because DP is too fun as an action show with great villains as it is but definitely having MORE instances of that Kindness and Empathy Wins vibe esp since many of the DP villains are so likable—i think many of them are good as enemies-to-allies that would require Danny learning to be more empathetic and diplomatic)

* Danny finds Vlad’s portal and is surprised to see him, a tired weak old man. Dan backstory time! So I take inspo from a fic I read where I see Vlad being an unreliable narrator (cause nothing about him in his storytelling feels trustworthy) so what Vlad has to say is different (but not totally) from what actually happened (and what actually happened is also inspired by this fic). But we’ll get to the truth later. For now Vlad tells in his melodrama how the explosion killed off Danny’s friends and family, Danny had nowhere else to go and came to him, wanted the ghost half removed because of how much pain it has caused him, and Vlad obliged. But here’s where I also take a lil inspo from steven universe and say that dannys ghost half isnt just a tool or something—it is HALF of him. It’s just as much Danny as Danny’s human half is. Same with Vlad’s ghost half. But when you separate the ghost/human halves, you’re left with two unbalanced incomplete beings, which is messy. (Note that in other situations where Danny separates from his ghost half, it’s not as messy as it is here because here Danny is in immense pain and Inner Turmoil which makes the split go horribly). And in this case, Danny is projecting everything he hates and does not want into his ghost half as he splits, meaning you’re left with the half of Danny that is selfish, cruel, uncaring, irresponsible, resentful, and powerful. And that half of Danny does not like his human half for being so weak and holding him back (I have the headcanon that Danny’s ghost half has the potential to be extremely powerful, having been blasted by the whole GZ all at once, but literally CANNOT achieve that potential because of his human half...but that’s okay because power corrupts as we’ve seen). First thing ghost boy does is attack his attacker, and he also HATES vlad, and has no inhibitions or limits on his power, so he separates Vlad from his ghost half and straight up destroys the bitch and absorbs his power—so the “fusion” is not mental/personality at all, just danny’s out for more power and to stabilize his incomplete half and absorbs plasmius’s energy. Then he sees human danny cowering and is angered (probably blames him for everything that happened to them) and kills him. Vlad gets away and dan decides to just let him go since a powerless cowardly vlad full of loss and regret is a much funnier fate to him.

* Danny realizes that if dan is just pure anger and hatred and selfishness incarnate than there isn’t really reasoning with him, but he at least has learned something about himself and taking care of his ghost half and being a better person and takes off the pendant and returns home.

* Right in time as jazz is confronting dan before the ghost portal explodes. Showdown ensues. Dan kicks dannys butt so danny attempts to reason with him: why let this horrible future exist? why not prevent it? is this really what he wants to be? dan had been angry at his human half for letting his loved ones die, so why is he letting it happen again? all that power cant possibly be worth the love of his friends and family. maybe add in a little exchange somewhere where dan figures that danny has spoken to vlad and makes fun of him for trusting him (“lol i knew my 14 yo self was stupid, and should know never to believe a word vlad says blah blah” and mentions that who he is now is all vlads fault). danny loves his friends and family and promising them that he’d never turn into dan is enough. ghostly wail, and final fight that’s more equally matched, and end. dan is permadead and his timeline is erased once danny is sent back to the moment he cheats on the test, he is not taken by clockwork.

* Clockwork saves everyone and explains to danny how he works. Danny also asks what happened with vlad, since his older self mentioned this being his fault. Clockwork explains that after the accident, tons of people flocked to help danny. The foleys, the mansons, his classmates, his aunt alicia, etc (even some ghosts!!) all supported him and let him know he was not alone and he would be okay, but vlad had no one because of the type of person he was, and he forced danny to come live with him, further isolating danny from caring and loving people. Vlad in all his manipulation also made danny further believe it was all his fault and he’s Just Like Vlad and all the bs which is why he made vlad remove his ghost half. Vlad only agreed because he thought he could control danny further by separating him from his powers and potentially use his powers. His intentions were never good. Dan saw that he would have eventually been okay if not for vlad (im basically making a point of the adults in dannys life having responsibility for the bad things that happen, obviously not ALL but like. A reasonable amount). Dan likely agrees that this future is not what wants and he would have liked a happier future, but he’s too fueled by selfishness and anger and cares more about his own self preservation and his power to want to actually change it for himself.

* Danny admits to lancer he was planning on cheating, and because he made the right decision lancer doesnt go through with staging an intervention (though he now knows he’s phantom) and danny rushes home to fix the filter but his parents are already on it, and jazz confronts him (instead of at the school, she was always stuck in the house so she’d be caught in the explosion, since dan leaving her in the school closet doesnt make sense) outside the lab thinking he’s still dan and they talk and everything is okay.

* And the status quo for the series changes as now jazz and lancer know (but lancer is secretive about it like jazz was before), and danny also has gone through huge revelations about himself.

#danny phantom #dp #rant #personal #the ultimate enemy #mine

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1dffexchange · 6 years ago

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Here You Come Again

To: Hannah @primetimewritings

From: Fran @fromherlips

Warnings: Alcohol

Summary: kiernan reid, in truth, had no idea what she was doing. she just wanted to graduate college, find a place of her own, and try to do it without having a breakdown. but with her three meddling best friends and a complicated friendship/relationship hybrid with liam, that was starting to seem less possible with each passing day.

a (short) story about college, confusion, and copious amounts of wine.

Author’s Note: hi hannah! i’m happy the official last thing i ever write is for you!!!! love you to pieces <3

“Never have I ever seen Kier naked.”

Kiernan wasn’t sure who chucked a chunk of pizza crust at Niall first, but she saw Liam rolling his eyes in Niall’s direction before putting his remaining finger down. They both shared a look as Liam took a sip of his beer and their friend Carmen picked up the next card from the ring around the can of Natty Light in the center of the table.

King’s Cup was a staple part of any Saturday evening for Kier’s friend group. It was the pre-game before the proper pre-game which typically preceded a party which was the last step before anyone still sober enough to stay upright would head to the bars in Brooklyn or occasionally in the East Village. While some people’s goals were to get everyone beyond trashed well before the Ubers were called, Kier and Liam seemed to be the only two people smart enough to order pizzas and breadsticks for their ever-growing group of friends, sending Venmo requests out the moment they got their receipts so no one would forget.

“Six is chicks!” Carmen cheered.

“I thought six was dicks,” Niall said, his beer already in his hand before Carmen could even set the card to the side.

“We do this every single time we play,” Kier said, shaking her head. “Everyone, drink."

Nobody complained, following through the motions of the game. Liam was next to grab a card, pushing his empty pizza plate underneath the table to shield his drink from Carmen’s loose limbs. Her lightweight tendencies made her more clumsy than usual and typically sent her back to her apartment before anyone even left for the party.

“Eight is date,” he said, flashing the card to the circle. Kier knew what was coming before he even his mouth, so she grabbed her poorly made vodka soda and held it out in his direction to cheers. “Kier, you know me so well.”

“If only she was your real date,” Niall sighed, propping his chin onto his closed fists while he batted his eyelashes at them.

Kier and Liam ignored his antics while they took their respective drinks. They weren’t any strangers to Niall’s comments. They had started sometime during the spring semester of their freshmen year and hadn’t seemed to stop since, long after Liam and Kier stopped being a “thing.”

Well, she would use a “thing” loosely. Being A Thing meant that they were exclusive and together. Kiernan and Liam were, in fact, never together. Not officially, that is. They spent a lot of time in each other’s beds and hanging out casually, but she thought the terms “friends with benefits” and “no strings attached” were much more appropriate.

That was, until they decided to call it quits. Liam dated someone else exclusively for six months before she broke up with him after she graduated and Kiernan had a string of short-lived exclusive relationships which usually led her to not feeling sad enough about her failed romances yet still somehow ended drunk at a bar where she’d makeout with someone new, even if she didn’t want to.

Their friends tried to ask if things were weird between them ever but Kier usually just laughed. Things couldn’t be weird if they weren’t actually together. As Kate Hudson famously said as Andie Anderson, “you can’t lose something you never had,” a line that Kier recited one too many times during her rom-com bingeathons with Carmen and their friend Lydia.

Besides, as far as she was concerned, she still “had” Liam, whatever that meant. They just didn’t fuck anymore, which was fine with Kier.

“Only in your dreams, Niall,” Kier finally said, rolling her eyes at her meddling friend. It didn’t go unnoticed that Niall, Carmen, and Lydia each exchanged a look. She ignored it, taking another sip of her vodka in hopes of building up her buzz before they moved onto the next party. “Come on, let’s keep the game going.”

Kier wasn’t sure who was sitting next to Liam. He must’ve been new to the group, or maybe he came with someone else. With a straw clamped between her lips, she swayed lightly to the blaring 90s music in the background, some TLC song she’d no doubt belt out if she was out a club with her friends. She must have been caught in a tipsy trance because Liam had his eyes squinted with his gaze on her until she finally stopped swaying.

“You good?” he mouthed. She stuck up her thumb, nodding a few times. It seemed like the best way to prove her point, but in retrospect it probably just made her seem a lot more drunk than she was. Was she even drunk? She’d go with tipsy over anything else.

Kier didn’t even have to think when she saw that the guy drew another jack, immediately sticking up her three fingers to let another rousing round of Never Have I Ever commence. He looked around the circle, as if he was trying to think if he could take anyone down with a single strike, a targeted attack that tended to be the best part of the game, hence Niall’s previous remark.

She barely even heard his statement, keeping her finger up along with basically everyone else in the group. The game was starting to die down like clockwork, kickstarting the transition from the pre-game to the next stop. She waved her hand around, trying to get Liam’s attention without yelling out his name. It didn’t take long for him to notice, mostly because Kier wasn’t sure he had ever really looked away.

No, that would be silly. Maybe she was drunk.

Liam nodded in her direction, setting the empty can of beer down in front of him. Kier followed suit, finishing her vodka soda in one long sip before nearly burping when she was done. The game ended up being less eventful than usual, mostly because nobody was nearly as plastered as they usually were and neither Carmen nor Lydia allowed targeted attacks against them because they were both seeing new guys and didn’t want anyone, namely Niall or Kier, exposing the secrets of their past. There were some threats involved that neither of them seemed to test, letting the new couples enjoy their honeymoon period for a few weeks before they brought out the big guns.

“Kier, are you going to the party or what?” Carmen asked, trying to straighten out her mini skirt. “Julian and I are going to start walking soon we think.”

“Don’t leave without me,” she said, pulling up the waist of her skintight jeans.

“We’ll find you and Liam before we go.”

“Go where? To the party?” Liam asked, walking up behind Kiernan.

He slung an arm around her waist, pulling her back against his chest. Kier didn’t even try to wriggle out of his grasp, melting against his body. Besides, she was drunk, she decided. They were always too close for comfort, toying the line of friends and decidedly not just friends. Nothing had happened in a while. Even then, it was just one night. Or two nights. Kier knew it wasn’t any more than four nights, but she still stood by the fact that it was only three because all they had done the last night was fool around a bit because they were too drunk to finish.

“I think their apartment is right around the corner from Rocka Rolla,” Kier replied.

“We’re staying in Brooklyn tonight? Interesting,” he hummed. “Thought we were venturing to the East Village to hit up an NYU bar on 2nd.”

“Don’t act like you’re not happy that you don’t have to go all the way to Manhattan just to come all the way back to Brooklyn drunk as hell in an Uber Pool that you still can’t afford.”

“Ouch,” he said. “I’m hurt.”

“We’re all poor, babe,” she told him, patting his arm. “Now round the troops, or at least make sure that Niall and Lydia are accounted for.”

“Will do, Kier.”

She hummed a response, unsure of what else to say in the moment. She was just happy to be leaving the apartment. There was only so much sitting around she could do on a weekend before she got antsy. She spent most of her time in a classroom, library, or coffee shop just sitting around doing work. She had a part-time job at an office not too far from campus to keep her entertained and pockets somewhat (see: barely) lined with disposable income. Most of it went into her savings though in hopes that someday she would leave the nest, also known as her parents’ house in Greenpoint.

It wasn’t far from where some of her friends lived in Williamsburg, making it an easy walk from her childhood home. They once had an apartment somewhere on the Upper West Side when she was a toddler, but then her parents had another kid and needed more space so they ended up in the land of the G-train and she just didn’t see any reason to leave when rent was free and school was too stressful and expensive to deal with her own place.

All it meant for her was crashing at Lydia or Carmen’s more often than not and making sure that whoever she hooked up with had chill roommates. She’d only had Liam over a few nights in her childhood bedroom but was too mortified by the possibility of her parents or siblings hearing that she couldn’t finish and snuck Liam out at 1 in the morning instead.

“Earth to Kier,” Carmen said, waving her hands directly in front of her face. “Lydia is heading home with Shiv.”

“Too drunk to continue?” Kier asked, cocking her brow.

Carmen shrugged. “My guess is that she’s just tipsy enough where she’s super horny,” she replied. “Can’t blame her. I’ve heard Shiv is quite the giver in the sack.”

Kier snorted, shaking her head at Carmen’s comment. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” she replied. “Lydia’s a lucky gal.”

“If you’d just start seeing Liam again you could have that too,” Carmen said.

“I was never seeing Liam,” Kier corrected her friend. “But also that’s over, for good. It’s mutually beneficial but it’s also a bad idea.”

“Bad ideas can become good ideas,” Carmen pointed out.

“Give me a good example and I’ll blow Liam right here, right now,” Kier deadpanned.

Carmen rolled her eyes at Kier, ignoring her comment before waving Niall over. “Let’s go, Kier’s getting sexual."

“Kier’s getting what now?” Liam chimed in, pulling his red and white plaid flannel back on over his loose t-shirt.

Kier flipped off Carmen, shaking her head. “Kier’s getting nothing, that’s what,” she said. “Let’s go before my buzz wears off.”

* * * * * * *

“October is the best month in the city,” Liam announced. He had long since shed his denim jacket in the coffee shop, leaning back in his seat while he stared out the window at a group passing by on the side street near campus. “It’s not too hot, not too cold, and everyone seems slightly less miserable.”

Kiernan snorted, losing her place in the textbook she was scanning. “People here aren’t as miserable as they seem,” she said. “You non-natives always think the worst of us New Yorkers.”

“I mean, you’re tolerable most of the time,” Liam replied. He nudged her shin under the table with the tip of his shoe, a smile stretching across his lips. “I forget that you’ve never lived anywhere else sometimes."

Kiernan merely shrugged, giving up on the assignment she was supposed to be working on. “New York has everything you’d ever need, why would I need to live anywhere else?” she asked. “I mean, you’re here from wherever in the Midwest you’re from. I don’t know anything west of Jersey, so…”

Liam laughed at their long-standing joke, rolling his eyes at Kiernan’s comment. “I still stand by the fact that you would enjoy a weekend in Minnesota during the wintertime,” he said.

“In all that snow? Unlikely,” she replied. “I love the fact that you love Minnesota so much though. I think that’s enough love for the both of us, don’t you?”

“Get back to work, you menace,” he said, pointing down at her textbook.

“Could say the same to you,” she replied. “Have you even typed a word of that essay yet? I’ve heard you say a lot of shit, but I don’t think I’ve seen your fingers on that keyboard the last two hours."

“I can’t get work done when you’re around,” Liam replied. “You distract me too much.”

“And yet you continue to work with me off campus,” she said. “Don’t blame me for your own lack of an attention span.”

“Kiernan Reid, your words hurt like fists,” Liam said, clutching his hands to his chest. “I’ve been wounded.”

She rolled her eyes, flipping the page in her textbook. “So dramatic,” she muttered. Her eyes were focused on the top of the page for a split second before she flickered her eyes up, catching a glimpse of Liam staring out the window. When he shifted in his seat, she averted her gaze back onto the textbook to try to make sense of the words in front of her.

Liam and Kiernan were taking completely different classes, but their schedules were somewhat similar. Their work schedules didn’t always line up, but it at least meant a day or two a week that they could hold each other accountable and try to get some work done together before they went their separate ways out of Manhattan, Kiernan to her house in Greenpoint and Liam to his apartment in Bushwick with three other guys.

He wasn’t wrong though. Kiernan did distract him too much, but in all fairness, he wasn’t innocent himself. If anything, they continued to “study” together just as an excuse to hangout. Sometimes Kiernan was worried if they spent too much time alone together that she’d just slip back into their casual routine of sleeping together whenever it was convenient. And for a while, it was just that: convenient. But convenience didn’t mean that things couldn’t get complicated. Feelings always get involved, the lines between lust and love become blurred, and it stops being fun.

Hanging out at a coffee shop with schoolwork though was easy. They couldn’t fuck on the floor of a coffee shop the same way that they could easily hook up if they were watching a movie at his place. So maybe their studying dates at whatever coffee shop they could find with outlets and space were a waste of time because nothing was accomplished, but at least it gave them time to be just friends and nothing else.

“How’s that book?” Liam asked.

“Really interesting,” Kiernan replied without looking away from the book.

“Must be, considering you haven’t flipped the page in over five minutes.”

She narrowed her eyes, slowly looking up from the page. “Did you seriously time me?” she asked.

“Either you read really slow, or you just lied straight to my face,” Liam said.

Kiernan snorted. “As if I haven’t lied to you before,” she said.

Liam pursed his lips. “Like when?”

She flattened her palms against the glossy pages of her textbook, staring forward straight at Liam. “Mmm, oh yeah, I’m so close, right there Liam, right th–“ she moaned, loud enough to make Liam’s cheeks flush red. For a moment, she thought he’d be mad but it only took a few seconds for him to burst out laughing instead. Kiernan ignored the glances from the people sitting around them, more focused on the fact that Liam seemed to be amused.

“Like fists, Kier. Like. Fists,” he said, still smiling. “It was never for lack of trying.”

“Never for lack of trying, mostly just because of alcohol,” she replied. “You’re shit after you’ve had too much to drink.”

“You accidentally bit my dick once when you were drunk,” he pointed out.

“Probably wasn’t an accident, I was mad at you because you were dancing with another girl at a party and I was hammered and jealous,” she said.

“You told me to dance with her!” Liam replied.

“Girls are weird, what do you want me to tell you?” Kiernan replied with a shrug. “Now, enough about our previous shared sex life, I have to read about…I don’t even know what I’m reading about because you’ve been distracting me this whole time!”

“Okay well why you try to finish that page you’ve been reading for ten minutes now, I’m getting something to eat,” he announced. “If I get a cookie will you eat some?”

“As long as it–“

“Doesn’t have raisins in it, I know,” he said.

Kiernan didn’t smile until she knew his back was turned to her before she focused on her textbook once again, finally finishing the page she was stuck on. She still wasn’t sure what she was reading about, but in the grand scheme of things, that didn’t really matter.

* * * * * * *

Kiernan was running approximately half an hour behind schedule but she refused to take the blame. Her younger sister was hogging the bathroom when she desperately needed to shower and the dish she was bringing to Friendsgiving ended up not being done until ten minutes after she was supposed to leave. How she managed to fuck up mashed potatoes she would never know, but she didn’t want to cop out and buy anything store bought which everyone else no doubt did. In her defense, she lived with her parents who actually had cookware that she could use. She wasn’t even sure half of her friends owned any sort of pots or pans aside from maybe a skillet to cook grilled cheese on.

She started to stack the containers on top of each other, trying to find the insulated bag that her mom set out for her. It was supposed to be on the counter or maybe it was on the kitchen table.

“Aha!” she announced to no one, spotting the red bag collapsed onto the table. She was already sweating through her outfit, a plaid mini skirt and a cream-colored turtleneck. She made a mental note to stick to white wines only, knowing that red wine would be a disaster with her light colored outfit. It was a last minute buy at some sale in SoHo specifically for Friendsgiving. This was their third year doing it, but it was the first year Liam and his roommates were hosting.

Kiernan went over to his place two days prior to help clean it up, though they were fairly tidy for four guys. She hoped to god they hadn’t become incredible slobs over the course of two days and knew better to at least do one more tidy the morning of to ensure that nobody was eating in absolute filth. Not that anyone would particularly care. Their friend group was about as chill as chill could get, even if Lydia did have the tendency to be a bit over the top. In all fairness, Niall was her male equivalent and tended to always push the envelope towards everything becoming extra.

It took her five more minutes to make sure her hair and makeup looked okay before slipping on her tan jacket and white calf-high boots that she borrowed from Carmen the week before specifically for this outfit. She would take them off as soon as she got to their apartment, but at least she could make her entrance in the full ensemble. Not that she had anybody she had to make an entrance for.

She wasn’t the only person carting around what appeared to be some kind of dishware containing their contribution to dinner. She spotted a few oddly proportioned bags on her multiple subway rides to Liam’s apartment. In truth, it was only a twenty-minute trip or so door to door, but the G train was useless to her until she transferred to the L. It did save her the extra time it would take to walk from Greenpoint to the L line though, especially in the impractically high booties she was sporting for sartorial purposes.

Even whilst running thirty minutes late, there were still a few missing faces at Liam’s apartment when Kiernan finally arrived, her skin feeling a little frost-bitten after walking around in the cold without a pair of tights on. That was her mistake, but she realized last minute that she’d ripped holes in every single pair (or rather, some of her male courters had), rendering them useless to her. So, she bare-legged it through the city and had to hope that Liam’s apartment was slightly warmer due to the fact that they were cooking the turkey and there would be a group of people crowding the tight space.

Kiernan knocked on the door with the tip of her boot. She knew the code to their building but having a key to their apartment was another story. It took a few seconds for someone to come to the door, but she could already hear the sound of some kind of commotion inside.

“Hey Kier,” Liam’s roommate James said, holding the door wide open for her to come in. “Liam, Kiernan’s here.”

“Hey James,” Kiernan said, keeping her boots on momentarily while she searched for someplace to set down her serving dish. “Any idea where I should–“

“I’ll take that, Kier,” Liam said, swooping in before she could finish her sentence. He didn’t even stop before he grabbed the bag from her hands, taking it into the kitchen before setting it down onto the counter. He was back seconds later, his hands free of any kind of dishware with a smile on his face. “You didn’t have to dress up. I feel like garbage next to you now.”

Liam was just wearing a pair of black jeans and a black t-shirt, it was hardly garbage. She rolled her eyes at him before bending down to slide the boots off. “Any excuse to not wear the shit I wear to campus,” she replied, pulling down the hem of her skirt. She felt about four inches shorter, which sounded about right considering the death trap shoes she decided would be appropriate to wear for a total of two minutes inside.

“Well, you look nice, that’s all,” he replied. “Well I mean, not that I have to tell you but make yourself at all. Lydia, Carmen, and Niall are all late, go figure but they’re the only three we’re waiting for. Uh, sit wherever and the wine is over in the living room already."

“You might catch me there all night,” she said. “I made sure it was well stocked.”

Liam snorted. “Yes, yes you did,” he said. “I think Trader Joe’s owes you a personal thank you note after all of the money you must have dropped at the wine shop in Union Square before you came over early this week.”

“My arms stopped being sore yesterday after carrying that many bottles, but it will be well worth my Friendsgiving buzz,” she told him. “I better see your indulging today, mister. It’s no fun when you leave me to be wine drunk by myself.”

“Someone’s gotta make sure you’re okay in your wine drunk state,” Liam pointed out. “Wine drunk Kiernan is on another level. The only thing worse might be tequila drunk Kiernan. She’s the fucking worst.”

She shuddered at every recollection of those tequila drunk nights, almost all of them no doubt ending up with vomit. “In all fairness, you benefitted from some of those tequila drunk nights,” she said.

“Just go drink your wine, Kiernan,” Liam said.

And that she did.

Kiernan wasn’t sure what portion of dinner was the turning point in her drinking or how many glasses she had actually had. She had her own, but then she kept stealing some of Carmen and Lydia’s and had Liam get her some refills. By the time she served herself food, her plate seemed to become 90% carbs in her attempt to soak up the alcohol. Even after mounds of bread and potatoes were consumed, she still found herself bloated on the couch, her face flushed and vision fuzzy.

“Hey Kier, you doing okay?” Liam asked, sinking down next to her on the couch.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there, but Lydia, Carmen, and Niall had all hugged her goodbye long before. They’d had a nice conversation at dinner. Or at least Kiernan thought it was nice. She made a mental note to get together with the girls before they all went their separate ways before the holidays and when the semester was finally over. They needed some well-deserved girl time, mostly because she wanted to make sure their new boyfriends were treating them well and that they were doing okay after their penultimate semester from hell.

“Splendid,” she replied, following her statement with the final sip of wine in her glass. “Were my mashed potatoes okay?”

“They were great, Kier,” he told her.

“I made them myself,” she said. “Peeled ‘em, cut ‘em, boiled ‘em, mashed ‘em. All of it. Not store bought! I mean, I bought the stuff at the store to make them but I made them. Kiernan Marie Reid made them.”

Liam snorted, draping his arm loosely over Kiernan’s shoulders. Or maybe he was just resting it along the back of the couch they were sharing. Did the heating come on earlier than usual in their apartment? It felt awfully hot. She wasn’t even wearing tights and her legs felt like they were on fire.

“You outdid yourself, Kier,” he finally said.

“Did everyone else leave?” she asked, eyes surveying the room.

“Not everyone,” he replied. “There’s still a few people left if you needed to chat to anyone in particular.”

She shook her head. “Nah, I like chatting with you,” she told him. “I finished my wine.”

“I can see that,” he replied. “Do you want me to take your glass?”

“To refill it?”

“To wash it,” he said.

Kiernan pouted, furrowing her brows at his comment. “I haven’t had that much.”

“Okay,” he said, refusing to argue. “How does this dinner compare to your family’s Thanksgiving?”

Kiernan shrugged. “We go to our family’s house out in Long Island. I hate Long Island, but it’s way better than Staten Island so I guess I can’t complain.”

“Are you going to bless everyone with your homemade mashed potatoes?” he asked, nudging her gently in the side.

“Only for you,” she replied. “We just bring the wine and sometimes my mom makes a pie if she feels like it. My aunt and uncle are very particular about Thanksgiving dinner but it always tastes amazing so like, no complaints I guess.”

“Sounds like my parents,” Liam replied. “We host at our house. It’s always a nightmare until everyone arrives and then it’s like none of the stress ever happened.”

Kiernan widened her eyes, her head turning to face Liam. “Do I stress my aunt and uncle out?” Kiernan asked.

Liam laughed, shaking his head at Kiernan’s panicked question. “I don’t think so, no,” he assured her.

“Did I stress you out? Because you hosted today?”

“You always stress me out, Kier,” he told her.

“Aren’t you gonna take my glass away?” she asked, tilting it back and forth in her hands.

“Yeah, I can do that,” he said, reaching his free hand across her body to grab it.

But the moment he started to stand up and his arm draped around her shoulder began to lift, Kiernan abruptly interrupted, “Wait!”

Liam froze, almost squatting above the sofa before he decided to just sit back down. “You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she replied, unable to think of anything else to contribute. “Sorry, I forgot what I was going to say.”

“Okay Kier,” Liam said, still looking at her skeptically out of the corner of his eyes. “Were you going to take the train home tonight?”

She nodded, drumming her fingers against her legs. “Should probably leave soon,” she said

“I think you should just stay here,” he suggested. “Or you should call a car.”

“Why?”

“I mean, you’re drunk,” he pointed out matter-of-fact.

“Do you worry?”

“Of course I do,” he replied.

Kiernan’s lips lingered in a small ‘o’ shape while she thought of something to say. But instead of an intelligible response, she merely muttered, “Oh.”

“I just have to clean up but you can just hang here or just lay down in my room,” he offered. “Or if you decide to call a car, can you just let me know? I’ll walk you down and make sure you get into the right car.”

“What do you want me to do?” she asked, cocking her head to the side.

She wasn’t sure why she even bothered trying to examine Liam’s expression or body language. She could barely see straight, let alone try to decipher context clues about his feelings. Even if she was sober she’d still struggle. She and Liam had never been very good at reading each other in most contexts. They knew almost everything about each other, but when it came to feelings, they just couldn’t figure it out.

“I just want you to do whatever you want to do,” he finally said.

“How long will it take you to clean?” she asked.

“Not very long because I cleaned before dinner and helped set up, so it’s James and Grant’s turn to clean,” he explained.

“Can you help me to your room?” she asked.

Liam nodded, getting off of the couch first. He discarded her wine glass onto the nearby coffee table before stepping directly in front of her. She held out her hands for him to grab, gently hoisting her up until she was on both feet. Kiernan felt wobbly as she walked with Liam, but she tried to keep her balance as they made their way slowly down the hallway towards his bedroom.

“I have to pee,” she announced, the thought dawning on her as they passed the bathroom. “Wait outside.”

“Aye aye, Captain Kier,” Liam said, letting go of her for the first time since she got off of the couch.

She was only gone for a few minutes, but she felt pathetic clutching onto the bathroom sink to keep herself upright until she got back outside to Liam. She made a mental note to never trust herself when it came to buying excessive amounts of wine again, a promise she made to herself every single time and never followed through with.

They didn’t talk as they stumbled into his bedroom, a familiar act that wasn’t ending the way that it used to. He guided her to his bed, letting her fall gently backward until she was sitting on the edge of the mattress. Kier tried to center herself, wishing her head would just stop spinning for a second so she could look at Liam. He seemed to be busying himself near his dresser, disappearing out of the corner of her eyes. She could hear him rummaging through a drawer closely followed by the gentle slam.

Liam didn’t say anything as he presented Kiernan with a pile of clothes, a pair of sweatpants with a coordinating sweatshirt that she had worn plenty of times before. She hadn’t seen Liam wear them in years. She assumed they became her comfy clothes at his apartment when she either didn’t wear or bring any of her own.

“Thank you,” she told him, setting the pile down on her lap.

“I also found, uh, these makeup wipes in my drawer,” he said, handing over the light blue packet. “I know it drives you crazy to sleep with your makeup on. I don’t have any of that micellar water or cleanser stuff that you like but–“

“Liam,” she said, interrupting his ramble. He paused, pressing his lips together. “Thank you. I’m sorry I got drunk at Friendsgiving again.”

“It’s okay,” he told her. “Why don’t you get changed and lay down. I’ll bring you water soon.”

“Are you going to stay?” she asked. “In here, I mean. It’s your apartment after all.”

“Yeah, I can stay in here if you want me to,” he replied.

If you want me to.

I just want you to do whatever you want.

Kiernan’s fingers played with the clothes in her hand, flicking through the edges while she sat on Liam’s response. She could see his fingers drumming at his sides, but she just couldn’t get the words out fast enough. This wasn’t like her. She acted quicker and wittier. She didn’t pause or stumble. She just wasn’t sure she could blame it on the alcohol this time.

“I’ll leave your side empty,” she finally said. “I’m going to get naked now.”

Liam laughed, beaming at Kiernan. She couldn’t see much, but she could always make out his smile even in her drunken hazes. “Okay Kier, you do that.”

* * * * * * *

“Didn’t we just have Friendsgiving?” Lydia asked, tossing the throw pillow she had in her hands back onto the shelf at Urban Outfitters. Lydia and Carmen dragged Kiernan out to shop in Manhattan for their Secret Santa gifts for their big annual exchange within their friend group. “And why did we agree to let Niall host?”

“Because his begging was pathetic,” Carmen replied, looking over her shoulder for a brief moment before she focused on the candle in front of her again. “Not every man has an apartment as tidy as Liam and his roommates do. Live with it, Lyd.

“Liam is very tidy,” Lydia agreed. “Right Kier?”

Kiernan sighed, rolling her eyes at her two friends. “You two are ruthless,” she said. “We’re friends.”

“Okay,” Carmen replied, nearly snorting as she said it. “The two of you are very clearly not just friends and never have been.”

“You can be friends with a guy and have it be platonic,” Kier pointed out.

“Well of course you can, all of us are friends with Niall and I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly never thought about having him dick me down,” she said, earning a grimace from Kiernan. “But you and Liam aren’t the same as you and Niall and not just because you two used to fuck on the daily.”

“It was not on the daily,” Kiernan argued.

“It might as well have been on the daily!” Lydia chimed in.

“You’re both ridiculous,” Kiernan muttered. “I thought we’ve talked about not discussing this subject.”

“We have, but sometimes we just need to remind you that pretending that you’re not attracted to Liam is stupid and you’re depriving yourself of someone who could be good for you rather than you trying to find someone better at a bar,” Lydia explained. “Which, you never have. You’re batting 0 for 4 right now, Kiernan.”

“Can we just shop for our Secret Santa gifts?” Kiernan asked, wishing they could just drop the subject once and for all.

Lydia wasn’t wrong though. They didn’t talk about it that much anymore, not since Kiernan had a drunken breakdown about it the previous semester during spring break. What Kier did wasn’t fair, but she had one too many frozen margaritas at Hotel Tortuga at dinner and not nearly enough of the free chips and salsa. She was scrolling through Instagram Stories and saw that Liam kept posting videos with some girl. He had gone to Miami with Niall and a couple of their mutual friends, but she didn’t recognize the girl from New York. It only took a quick search on Liam’s Instagram to find her at the top of his ‘Following’ page and even less time for the envy to set in.

It was unfair for her to get upset about it, but she was drunk and admittedly the tiniest bit jealous. She ended up crying on the subway about it to Lydia and Carmen, confessing god knows what to them. All Kiernan remembered was begging them to not talk about Liam like that and for the most part, they kept up with their end of the bargain.

“Fine, but only because I want to get the fuck out of Urban Outfitters and find a bar,” Carmen said. “My treat, by the way for surviving the semester but also because I found out I’m somehow getting a tiny bonus at work which means we all deserve a happy hour cocktail.”

Kiernan only tagged along for emotional support. She got Liam, no doubt a sign that god was trying to fuck with her. Even still, she’d found his gift by happenstance the week prior when she was browsing a small boutique in the West Village. She might have spent ten dollars over the limit, but she couldn’t choose between the bag of overpriced coffee that Liam always raved about but never bought for himself and the candle that not only had Minnesota on the label but supposedly smelled like the state. It was one of those Homesick candles that she never really needed because she never left her hometown, but she knew that Liam always missed the Midwest one way or another, even if he enjoyed living in the city.

She dodged all of his nosey questions after they all picked names, rolling her eyes at him every time he asked when they were studying earlier that week. They were holed up in a café in Greenpoint, neither of them particularly feeling like staying near campus that day. It wasn’t too far from Kier’s place if it ended up being too crowded for them to study in. It was the day before both of their last finals for the semester and neither of them seemed too keen on studying, even if that’s what they both desperately needed to do after a semester of some serious slacking off.

Kiernan wouldn’t budge, refusing to blow the surprise even if she hadn’t chosen Liam by accident. He would just have to wait like the rest of the group until their holiday party later in the week before everyone started to disperse for the holidays. They did White Elephant the previous year but it was too disastrous to organize and everyone forgot the rules ten times throughout so they decided it’d just be easier to do a Secret Santa purely because it was hard to fuck up, aside from the whole keeping it a secret thing.

It was clear by the time their friend group all got together in their festive attire that some people had spilled the beans, including Niall who had chosen one of Liam’s friends that he didn’t know all that well. Instead of embarrassing himself and picking some shit gift, he decided to just ask him what he liked and went from there. Still, Kiernan refused to tell anyone who she had chosen, mostly because the only three people she would consider spilling to would’ve made a huge ordeal out of it.

She arrived at Niall’s alone with just her gift in tow. Okay, and a bottle of red wine and spiked eggnog. It was her personal stash, or at least that’s what she said as a joke when she handed them over to Niall the second she walked into the door of his apartment.

“You really outdid yourself with the tacky décor,” she told him, noting all of the multi-colored lights that seemed to adorn any surface possible. Or rather, any surface possible that was near one of the outlets that were far and few between in the apartment. “Nice sweater, too.”

He looked down at the red and green monstrosity, smiling wide at his sartorial accomplishment. “Thanks, Kier,” he said. “Yours is…not ugly, what the fuck?”

“It was cheap at H&M, what do you want me to say?” she replied. It was a holiday-themed sweater at least. It was tan and just had Winterland written in red text with a few diamonds. It was subtle but she just didn’t have the time to find a truly heinous sweater that she hadn’t already worn before.

“You’re just trying to show us all up, huh?” he joked, nudging her arm with his elbow. “Red or white wine?”

“I’ll start with white,” she told him. “Now scram so I can put my present in the pile without you trying to peek at the name.”

“The holidays make you cranky!” Niall yelled over his shoulder while he walked away from the living room and into the kitchen. Kiernan rolled her eyes, making sure her box was still concealed by its bag before she walked over to the small pile of presents and hid Liam’s amongst the rest. He wasn’t at Niall’s yet, but in all fairness, Lydia, Carmen, and a few of their mutual friends were still missing in action as well.

By the time everyone had arrived (she pretended not to notice that Liam was last and hated herself when she felt her body perk up at the sight of him), Kiernan was a glass and a half of wine and two and a half sugar cookies deep into the night. In retrospect, eating a full meal before coming would have been a wise idea, but she made the mistake she always made by not doing that, not even in the slightest.

She was mid-bite when Liam squeezed his way through Niall’s roommates to join Kiernan near the tree. She’d decided it was her spot for the night, mostly because it gave her the perfect view of the room so she could survey everyone and essentially just people watch all night long. As long as she stayed sober enough to see straight, that is.

“Did you decide to just stick up a big middle finger to the Ugly Christmas Sweater thing?’ he asked, pointing at her fairly cute sweater.

“I’m part of the resistance, what can I say?” she replied with a shrug. “Feeling any better than earlier this week?”

“That final scarred me for life, I thought I said never to mention it ever again,” he said. “I’ve never been more excited for a semester to be over.”

“Well, hold that thought because next semester is our last semester and then we’re free,” she reminded him. “Just to celebrate that thought, time to finish this glass and get myself something fresh.”

“Dare I ask how much wine you’ve had on no doubt an empty stomach, or at least just a sugar-filled stomach?”

“Nope,” she replied, smirking over the rim of her now empty glass. “Get a drink with me, come on.”

Kiernan wasn’t sure if she and Liam both had steam to blow off after their respective semesters, but they kept a bottle of wine and eggnog to themselves and holed up in the corner on the floor near the tree until someone announced that they were going to start the gift exchange. Was it Lydia? No, she would know Lydia’s voice–

“Fuck, should we be mixing wine with spiked eggnog?” Liam asked.

“Probably should’ve asked that question before we were multiple glasses into this bad decision, now shouldn’t you have?” she replied, cocking a brow. “If both of us keel over during Secret Santa, then we can take equal blame.”

“Sounds like a deal to me,” he replied, shifting off of his butt and onto his knees so he could hoist himself off of the ground. With his glasses discarded on the ground still, he knelt down to help Kiernan up. “Should I push Niall off the couch so we get a comfortable seat?”

“Usually I’d say yes but since I’m buzzed I can tolerate him. Let’s just sit on the floor,” she told him. “I mean, that’s what we were doing before so our asses are gonna be sore anyways.”

“Why are your asses going to be sore?” Niall asked, somehow picking up on their conversation from across the coffee table that had previously housed a bunch of wine glasses and plates of snacks, replaced by all of the gifts instead. “Are you two trying anal again?”

“Niall, I swear to god if you don’t shut up I will throttle you through the wall,” Kiernan threatened. “Can someone just choose their present first before tonight becomes Niall’s funeral? Thanks!”

“Kier is mean when she drinks,” Niall said.

“Wanna test that theory even more?” she asked, cocking a brow at Niall. He shook his head immediately. “Good, now someone pick their gift and let’s let the unwrapping and guessing commence!”

It would have been wise for Liam and Kiernan to stop drinking when presents were being opened, but they had to do something to entertain themselves during the lull, namely when people tried to nicely unwrap the gifts instead of tearing through the wrapping paper like heathens. Instead, they clinked the rims of their glasses together every time it was someone else’s turn to open a gift, blowing through a few more glasses between the two of them before the circle finally came around to them.

Momentarily, Kiernan forgot that she was the one who had given Liam his present, blissfully unaware while she took the last sip in her glass of red wine. There weren’t many gifts left in the pile, but there were still enough people left in the circle where she thought he might not get it right away. It’s not like it was an inside joke between the two of them, or at least she didn’t think it was. His home state was common knowledge and anyone who had ever been to his apartment would have known what kind of coffee he had, right?

“Hmm,” he hummed, his eyes scanning over his name written on a sticker on the front of the box. He didn’t tear through the wrapping paper and make a mess, but he certainly wasn’t as careful as everyone else had been in trying to get to the present. He pulled the candle out of the large box first, taking a second to recognize the state printed on the label. With his other hand, he pulled the coffee out, balancing both of the gifts in his hands.

“Don’t burn the apartment down with that candle this time,” Liam’s roommate Zane said.

“Ooh, guess! Guess! Guess!” Lydia cheered, clapping her hands together.

“I mean, I’m not sure this is fair because I recognized her handwriting from the box but…” he paused, setting the gifts back into the box before he turned to his right to look at Kiernan. “I’m not sure what Minnesota is supposed to smell like, but thank you Kier.”

“You and your Midwest pride, what can I say?” she replied with a small shrug. “Please don’t burn your apartment to the ground though, now I’m worried that I should’ve gotten you a fire extinguisher instead of a bag of coffee.”

“A bag of my favorite coffee is much, much more important than fire safety,” he replied. “Thank you, Kier.”

“No problem,” she replied. “So, I guess it’s my turn, huh?”

Kiernan ended up getting a bottle of red wine that wasn’t from Trader Joe’s, which meant it was much nicer than she usually treated herself to and a set of glasses that she recognized from Anthropologie. It turned out that Carmen had tipped off one of their mutual friends Ilya. They had been in the same circle of friends since freshmen year but they probably only hung around in larger groups, which is why she finally just had Ilya reveal himself instead of embarrassing herself trying to guess.

By the time Secret Santa finished, the Christmas music was back on and blaring and everyone had dispersed with their gifts. Kiernan hid hers from herself, placing them in the canvas bag she used to carry Liam’s present and putting it near her jacket at Niall’s front door. Besides, she still had some spiked egg nog that was calling her name despite not needing another sip of alcohol to keep herself going for the rest of the party. She was already sufficiently buzzed and Liam didn’t seem too far behind if he wasn’t already at her level.

Kiernan was in the kitchen pouring herself a small cup of eggnogg when she felt an arm around her waist. She didn’t have a chance to turn around before they grabbed the cup from the counter and took it for themselves. She recognized the watch on their wrist, realizing it was Liam a second too late

“Dammit Liam, get your own egg nog,” she complained.

“I’m not sure you need any more,” he told her, setting the empty cup back down.

Kiernan turned around with his arm still around her waist, leaning her back against the edge of the counter. “I would’ve shared, but you just went on ahead and declared that glass as your own, now didn’t you?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.

“It’s very loud in here,” Liam pointed out, pointing towards his ears. “Couldn’t quite hear ya. Did you say ‘I’ll share with you any time, Liam?’”

“You’re irritating,” she muttered.

“What?” he asked, cupping his hand around his ear, leaning down closer to Kiernan’s face. “Come to the bathroom, I wanna talk for a second.”

Keirnan didn’t even question it, she merely nodded and waited for him to lead the way. The door to Niall’s bathroom was wide open thankfully, leaving them to slip right in instead of waiting outside and drawing attention to themselves. Anytime the two of them slipped away, she could practically hear Niall, Lydia, and Carmen’s meddling from wherever they were. It was all in good fun, but sometimes it drove Kiernan nuts.

“So, what’s up?” Kiernan asked, wandering over to the sink. She hoisted herself up onto the counter around the sink, the back of her feet immediately swinging back to hit the cabinet doors underneath.

“I just wanted to thank you for the gift,” he replied. “It was really thoughtful, that’s all.”

“Am I supposed to bring Ilya into the bathroom to thank him for my wine too?” Kiernan asked, quirking her brows at Liam. “You’re welcome, Liam. I saw it and thought of you. Probably would’ve gotten it for you even if I wasn’t your Secret Santa, so this game really saved me some money this holiday season.”

Liam rolled his eyes, still laughing at her comment anyways. “Strongly considering not sharing the coffee with you next time you come over to my place and want some.”

“Well that’d be rude,” she replied. “You would never deprive me of that. You love me too much.”

Either Kiernan was way too drunk or time seemed to freeze in the room. Kiernan folded her hands in her lap, lips frozen in a faint ‘o’ while she waited for Liam to say something.

It turned out that Liam didn’t really have much to say at all. Instead, he took a short step forward until he could slide his leg between Kiernan’s. There was no hesitation on either side after he placed his hand on her cheek, drawing her face closer to his until their lips met. It had been months since the last time Kiernan was this close to Liam, her arms draped loosely around her shoulders while she ignored his stubble brushing roughly against her chin and cheeks every time their lips moved against each other.

It was irresponsible and just a terrible idea but every time Liam pulled gently on her legs to bring her body closer to his, Kiernan forgot for a split second that what she was doing was unbelievably stupid. There wasn’t a single thing bad about kissing Liam, aside from the sinking feeling she got in her stomach when they finally pulled apart. Someone was knocking loudly on the door and Liam tried to ignore it by kissing down Kiernan’s neck but the knocking just kept getting louder.

“Fuck,” Liam swore, letting his forehead rest against Kiernan’s.

“This didn’t happen,” she said, placing her finger under Liam’s chin. “Okay?”

He didn’t even respond with words, merely nodding before taking a step back to give Kiernan her space.

* * * * * * *

Kiernan and Liam hadn’t spoken at all since their makeout at the Secret Santa party. She tried not to dwell on it because she knew that he had gone home two days later for the holidays, but it didn’t make her feel any better about the situation. Other than a ‘Merry Christmas, Kier’ text from Liam, it had been radio silence between them and it was driving her crazy. It was silly, she knew that, but she couldn’t help but wonder if she was too harsh or if she just should’ve stopped it before it could even happen.

Still, even on New Year’s Eve, Kiernan felt even worse when she was drunk on champagne with her chest pressed against somebody else’s. She vaguely knew him as a friend of a friend, but his name escaped her. It was either Brad or Bruce or something that began with a ‘B’. He seemed nice enough and was one of the only people at the party that was somewhat interested in talking to someone who didn’t go to the rest of their colleges or run with their crowd all of the time.

They didn’t share a particularly amazing kiss at midnight, but it didn’t seem fair to Brad/Bruce when she just kept replaying her kiss with Liam in her head instead. He was fine at kissing and it felt nice to be wrapped in somebody’s arms, but she knew the feeling in the pit of her stomach was guilt and she couldn’t shake it. Brad/Bruce looked disappointed when Kiernan broke away from their kiss and excused herself, making a lie up about having to go to the bathroom.

It wasn’t until she was walking out of the apartment and out into the hallway that she saw a text from Liam, a simple two sentences that made her eyes watery.

Happy New Year, Kier. Miss you & can’t wait to see you next week.

She didn’t tell anyone about it, but even if she did, she just would’ve blamed it on the champagne. Always blame it on the alcohol whenever possible. Always.

* * * * * * *

The thing that Kiernan learned about both she and Liam is that they were both resilient. Or at least, their complicated relationship was. She tried to convince herself that their friendship wasn’t complicated, not in the slightest, but there was only so much pretending that she could do. Going from friends to friends with benefits to friends who saw other people to teetering on the edge between friends and not-just-friends was starting to become more than she could handle without faltering and needing some space.

But not seeing Liam for nearly three weeks throughout the holidays was too much space, not that she’d ever admit it to anyone. Everyone had gotten together for pizza and movies (no wine, just beer which Kiernan detested), the perfect buffer for the two of them being face to face again after not talking about the fact that they made out at their holiday party and didn’t seem to hate it.

They made it through both movies without Kiernan feeling uncomfortable for a second, not even when they hugged goodbye and Liam’s arms seemed to linger a second too long around her frame. Not even when one of the movies that Niall no doubt chose on purpose was No Strings Attached. And definitely not even when someone made a comment about Liam not following Kiernan to the bathroom this time when she left between movies to pee.

They couldn’t spend the rest of their time constantly surrounded by other people, especially when they spent so much time during the semester just the two of them, whether it was studying after classes or meeting up on their simultaneous lunch breaks from their respective jobs only a few blocks apart. So when Liam asked what Kiernan’s hours were at the office job she worked, she didn’t lie and pretend she was swamped with work. In reality, she never really was. A friend of her dad’s was doing her a favor and keeping her semi-employed so she could save money to move out and for her inevitable student loans.

Kiernan started babysitting for family friends when she was around 15 and did it on the side until she was 21. She only lasted two years in retail before she got fed up with rude customers and got paired up with a friend of her father who needed help filing papers and just general administrative tasks at his office. Sometimes she organized his office and helped clear it out of decades worth of documents that he kept and assumed were important (she wasn’t sure how important blank cards were, but she never brought it up). Work wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, but she would happily take the opportunity to not eat lunch at her desk and see Liam instead.

She met Liam outside at 12 on the dot, wasting no time as she not so casually rushed out of the office with her faux fur teddy bear coat and purse. It was the perfect day in January, for New York at least. It was chilly, but there was no wind in the air and the sun was consistently shining, a rarity in the winter as of late.

Liam was waiting outside with his hands in his pockets and headphones still in. Kiernan tried not to startle him when she walked out of the building and placed a hand on his arm, trying to get his attention without jumping in front of him or saying his name loudly to get his attention over his music. He didn’t seem to flinch, slipping his headphones out of his ears and tucking them into his pockets.

“Hey Kier,” he said, enveloping her into a one-armed side hug. “Usual place for lunch?”

“I’m fine with that,” she replied. “It’s funny, I really like it there but I only go with you. Feels wrong walking in by myself and getting it to go."

“Weirdo,” he replied, playfully nudging her in the side. “Let’s go, it’s cold in the shade.”

“Wear a scarf every once in a while,” she joked, tugging on the shearling cuff of his worn out aviator jacket. “That should solve your problem.”

“At least I don’t look like the mascot for a detergent brand,” Liam countered.

“Did you just accuse me of looking like the Snuggle Bear?” Kiernan asked. “Rude!”

“But accurate,” he replied, looking over his shoulder. “C’mon, let’s try to beat the lunch rush.”

They only had to walk two blocks to get to their usual café, but it tended to get crowded during lunch with students and workers from the area, meaning they wouldn’t get a good table, or really any table. It was a small place and sitting anywhere but near the windows was just a bummer, especially on a sunny and somewhat warm day.

“In my defense, it is considerably warmer here than it is in Minnesota so this feels like a heatwave,” Liam said, swerving to the right to avoid colliding with someone walking between the two of them. “In fact, I should be in shorts and flip-flops right now.”

“That would be offensive to the eyes,” Kiernan said, scrunching her nose. “Nothing says heterosexual like that ensemble during the winter.”

“The shit that comes out of your mouth sometimes, I swear,” Liam said, shaking his head at Kiernan’s comment. He still laughed though, which made Kiernan smile. “I got almost three weeks without being bullied by you.”

“Oh come on, I do not bully you,” she argued. “And don’t use your usual ‘people in the Midwest are just so much nicer than people in New York’ line on me. You’ve been using that for the past three years, it’s lost its charm.”

“I forgot how easy it is to rile you up sometimes,” Liam said. “It is nice to be back though.”

“Well, it’s nice to have you back,” she replied, rounding the corner on the block the café was on. “The city is kind of lonely when you guys are gone.”

“Yeah?” he asked. “Well, someday we won’t have as much time off as we do now to be home for weeks at a time.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” she groaned, lingering outside of the café with Liam. It looked fairly empty inside, they could afford a few minutes outside to finish their conversation. “This time next year we’ll be like eight months out of college doing god knows what.”

Liam sighed, his warm breath blowing out into the cold air. “Weird,” he said. He let his comment linger before he finally opened the door to the café, holding it for Kiernan before following closely behind her.

It was significantly warmer inside than it was out on the street, the two of them shedding their coats the minute they walked in. They both gravitated towards the same two-seater table near the window, draping their coats over the back of the chairs. It was quiet for a weekday afternoon, but Kiernan always noticed that it was much less crowded when the weather was cold or rainy, most people deciding to just stay inside during their lunch hour rather than venture out.

“Do you want to sit and I’ll order?” Liam asked, pulling his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans.

“Well hold on, let me grab some cash–“

Liam interrupted her before she could even begin to rifle through her purse. “It’s my treat,” he replied. “Don’t you even dare Venmo me your portion either."

“This is unnecessary but I’m only agreeing because I’ll just get you back sometime soon for drinks or something,” she said, slumping down into her seat. “Mark my words though, I will be getting even.”

“This sounds so much more like a threat than you just paying me back for one measly lunch,” Liam said. “Do you want your usual?”

“Of course,” she replied, sliding her phone out of the back pocket of her purse. “Thanks, Liam.”

“Anytime,” he said, maneuvering through the cramped tables while he made his way toward the counter.

Kiernan mainly scrolled through Instagram, replying to a few stray texts from her friends that she got in the morning and hadn’t had a chance to get to while she was at work. She knew her boss wouldn’t care, but she felt weird slacking off when she was lucky enough to have a job that kept her off of the floor at a store and far away from customer service. Besides, in reality, it was a few hours of peace in her day, even if those peaceful moments were spent near a computer or filing cabinet.

Kiernan had gotten sucked into watching 60 second makeup tutorials with the sound off, letting Instagram autoplay one video after the next. If Liam hadn’t plopped back down into the seat across from her with their tray, she’s not sure when she would’ve put her phone down.

“Instagram black hole?” Liam asked, nodding towards her phone.

“You know it,” she said, locking her phone and placing it face down on the table. “Did you switch up your order today? What the hell?”

“You know, I was just really feeling soup today, what can I say?” Liam replied, grabbing his bowl and bread from the tray before pushing it closer to Kiernan so she could grab her sandwich and iced tea. “Still can’t get over the fact that you like iced drinks during the winter.”

“What am I supposed to eat with a sandwich? A hot coffee? That sounds vile,” she replied. “Besides, it’s cold outside, not inside. Let me enjoy my iced drink in peace!”

“As I do recall earlier, you said that it was nice to have me back,” Liam said, stirring his plastic spoon around in his bowl. “Do you retract your statement?”

“Absolutely,” she said. “I take it back, all of it. Who’s the bully now?”

“Still you,” he replied. “But that’s okay. I still lo–”

Liam paused mid-sentence, his mouth still agape while the rest of his statement hung in the air. I still love you for it. It was the very word that got them into trouble the month prior. Kiernan told Lydia and Carmen that she loved them all of the time. Hell, she constantly joked with Niall that her quirks were what he had to love about her. Liam was just as much of a friend to her as anyone else she said it casually to, and yet every time it came out of their mouths, it felt different, like it had an entirely other meaning.

It didn’t though. It couldn’t.

* * * * * * *

“It’s so weird seeing you some place without Lydia and Carmen,” Niall commented, filling up Kiernan’s wine glass nearly to the brim with rosé. At this point, Kiernan thought her friend group just wanted any excuse to drink during the week without just going on a random Thursday night binge so instead they planned a Valentine’s Day party for all of the single friends in their group to get together and apparently drink their sorrows away. Nobody at the party seemed particularly upset about being single though. In all fairness, she was one of the two girls at the party and she hardly ever hung out with the girl that was there. Tish wasn’t a huge fan of Lydia, Kiernan knew that much, but she typically steered clear of the three girls just out of their association with her.

“They just had to go on and get boyfriends that they’re actually happy with, what a drag,” Kiernan joked, taking a long sip of her wine. Even if it was an entirely male party (essentially), she made sure that everything was pink and red, toxic masculinity be damned. Liam let everyone come to his apartment, mostly because all of his roommates were single so nobody needed it to woo their significant others, so Kiernan set up all of the bottles of rosé and candies before everyone arrived. Liam had even instructed the pizzeria to make the pepperoni in the shape of a heart, which in theory would have been cute if it wasn’t for what Niall called an “Anti-Love Party.” Kiernan knew he was just particularly bitter because he had gone on a few dates with a girl he was super into who then got back together with her ex instead of continuing to see him.

“At least we have each other, right Kier?” Niall asked, slinking an arm around her shoulder.

“I’m not having drunk pity sex with you, Niall,” she replied.

He merely laughed, bringing the rim of his beer bottle to his lips with his free hand. “I wouldn’t dare come between you and Liam, anyways,” he said before he took a sip of his drink. “It’s inevitable.”

“It is not inevitable, it’s impossible,” she replied. “I think you’ve had a bit too much to drink during your self-proclaimed Anti Love party, Ni.”

“Sober, drunk, I’m right regardless,” he said with a shrug. “You’ll see. And now I must go before you beat the shit out of me in front of all of my friends. Besides, I see a slice of pizza left that’s calling my name.”

“Get outta here, Niall,” she replied, jokingly shoving him towards the pizza.

“Just remember what I said!” he yelled over his shoulder.

Kiernan just rolled her eyes at him, turning on her heel to survey the rest of the party. In reality, it was just a bunch of twenty-somethings procrastinating whatever assignments they had due and drinking while they could still get away with it. Not that this reality would have stopped her, she was in the same boat. Graduation was impending and the only thing Kiernan knew that would happen after she walked across that stage was a dinner with her family.

Everything else was a blur and she tried her hardest not to let that bother her every single day. Some days it was easier to ignore than others, but without Carmen and Lydia by her side, it made her wonder if this is what things were going to be like after college was over and everyone went their separate ways. She knew she was staying in the city, but everyone else’s plans were up in the air, all dependent on where the job offers were coming from.

“Hey Kier, you look like you’re worried or something,” Liam said, walking directly in front of her.

She blinked a few times, snapping out of whatever daze she’d gotten herself into. “Ah yeah, sorry just got a bit distracted,” she apologized, immediately taking a sip of her drink. “This party is kind of weird. And sad.”

“Yeah,” he replied, nodding as he watched everyone chat in their designated groups of three. “Seems like a weird reason to have a party and Niall’s name for it doesn’t help.”

“Well, that’s just him being bitter, that’s all,” Kiernan said. “I’m just here for the wine, so.”

“And here I thought you were just really excited to come to my place and see your good ole pal Liam,” he replied. “I’m hurt, truly.”

“You’ll get over it,” she said. “Come on, I see an opening on the couch and I’m getting too lazy to stand and wander around any longer.”

He merely shook his head, following Kiernan’s lead over to the empty sofa. He sat down in the corner, Kiernan plopping down next to him, close enough for their thighs to touch. She shifted back and forth, pulling down the hem of her heart-printed skirt until she got comfortable. She fought the urge to let her body rest against Liam, keeping her back almost straight against the back of the couch instead. It was uncomfortable, but every time she got this close to Liam, things always tended to cross the line one way or another and it was far too cliché for it to happen on Valentine’s Day.

She tried to shake Niall’s comments out of her head, but the word inevitable keep surfacing. The more she drank, the more she thought about it. She mentally cursed Niall for plaguing her mind with thoughts of her and Liam. It was hard enough to fight her subconscious. She couldn’t control her dreams at night and every time Liam popped up, she felt like she didn’t look at him the same the next time that she saw him.

“I think we spent last Valentine’s Day like this,” Liam commented, resting the bottom of his glass on his thigh.

“There were considerably less people, if I remember correctly,” Kiernan replied. She shouldn’t have played along, but she was starting to feel the wine and Liam’s subtle cologne was intoxicating enough on its own. “You even cooked, mostly because neither of us could afford takeout.”

Liam laughed, bringing a hand to his chest while he seemed to sink back into his seat. “My culinary skills are lacking but at least I know how to make pasta,” he said.

“With your pasta and my mashed potatoes, we could have a full carb meal,” Kiernan replied. “Such a balanced diet.”

“The poster children for health, right here ladies and gentlemen,” Liam joked. “In the moment, you seemed slightly impressed.”

“Nobody had ever cooked for me before,” Kiernan admitted.

“Well, I was glad to be the first,” he said. “Hopefully the experience didn’t scar you forever.”

“It was probably one of my best Valentine’s Days,” she replied, regretting the words before they even left her mouth. “Besides that time in fifth grade where Freddie Lucas gave me my own valentine, a piece of chocolate, and a big ole smooch on the lips after lunch.”

“Well I mean, how could I ever compete with Freddie Lucas and his incredibly smooth moves?” Liam replied. “I’m just happy I’m even ranked.”

“I mean, it is one of the highest honors,” Kiernan said.

“Oh, I’m fully aware,” Liam replied. “I would never take it for granted.”

Kiernan laughed, her body curling towards Liam until she nearly tucked her face into his neck. “I’m happy we have this established now,” she said. “What was your best Valentine’s Days?"

“I mean, I didn’t ever get to kiss Freddie Lucas so I guess it has to be last year’s,” he replied. Kiernan wasn’t sure when he had slipped his arm around her shoulder, but she certainly didn’t push him away when he gently nudged her body closer to his. “But I guess the one thing Freddie Lucas can’t do is kiss you right now.”

“And what makes you think that you can?” Kiernan asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t do anything that you didn’t want,” Liam replied.

Why was it always what Kiernan wanted? She didn’t know what she wanted. Did she want to be just friends? Or did she want to take Liam back to his bedroom and pretend that there wasn’t a party happening just outside of his door? She knew she couldn’t have both, but in the moment, she thought maybe, just maybe she could get away with it and nothing would go wrong.

“I think in order to do what I want, we might have to find a change of scenery,” she finally said. “Just don’t make eye contact with Niall.”

“Same goes to you,” he replied. They lingered in their embrace on the couch for a few more moments, but not long enough for Kiernan to regret what she had said. She merely followed Liam’s lead, keeping her head down so she didn’t have to see Niall’s smirk. Maybe it was inevitable, but at least it was by her stupid choice. She wasn’t sure she could blame it entirely on the alcohol this time. She would have to take responsibility, something she wasn’t sure she was ready for.

“Is your room ever not tidy?” Kiernan asked, her perfect view of Liam’s room immediately cut off by his face. He inched forward, leaving Kiernan to close the door to his room with her back. His hand glided against her hip, brushing past her body to turn the lock on his door before it settled onto her hips.

“Your fascination with my clean room never fails to amuse me,” he murmured, brushing her hair off of her shoulders with his free hand. Kiernan tilted her head back in anticipation, her lips left parted while they basked in the moment. Liam followed her cues, pressing his lips gently against the skin of her neck. They had a perfect system, yet Kiernan had never gotten bored of his teasing. “I’ve missed you, Kier,” he said, his warm breath spreading across her skin.

“Will you show me too?” she asked, grinding her hips forward. She could feel Liam’s laughter, his chest pressed tightly against herself.

Liam’s fingers disappeared under the hem of her skirt, toying with the lace edges of her underwear. With his fingers hooked around the left side, he started to tug them down gently, always careful not to rip or tear anything after an incident during one of their first hookups. Kiernan spread her legs to make his job easier, the fabric gliding against the skin of her thighs until they got stuck around her knees. She shimmied her legs, letting them fall to the floor, still hooked around her ankles.

Kiernan initiated their kiss, placing one hand on his cheek and the other on the back of his head. Her fingers threaded through his hair, tugging gently to keep his mouth anchored to hers. This was different than their kiss back in December. There was a sense of urgency like never before, their bodies melding against each other after almost a year apart.

“Bed,” Kiernan muttered between kisses, breaking apart only for a split second before she trapped Liam’s top lip between hers again. He obliged without question, taking short steps backwards until the back of his shins hit the edge of his mattress. With an arm wrapped around Kiernan’s waist, Liam started to fall backwards, using his free hand to feel for the mattress beneath him. Even when he was trying to be gentle, the two of them still fell against the mattress with a loud oof, Kiernan’s body draped limply over Liam’s.

“That wasn’t as smooth as I would have liked,” Liam groaned.

“It’s fine,” Kiernan said, adjusting her legs until they were placed on either side of Liam. She bent her knees slightly until she was straddling his waist. Her fingers trailed down his chest until they touched the bare skin of her legs. With Liam’s eyes on her every movement, Kiernan tiptoed her fingers towards the hem of her skirt, pushing it further up her legs until it barely concealed any of her thighs.

“Kier,” Liam said, his voice low and gruff.

She pushed her hair behind her ears, her hands now resting gently across his chest. Her lips were curled into a faint smirk when she looked down at Liam, planning what her next move would be. That was, until she saw the look on his face. Liam’s gaze didn’t falter from Kiernan at all, his lips left slightly agape while he waited to see what she wanted to do. She swallowed the lump in her throat, the smirk slowly fading from her lips.

Kiernan couldn’t ignore the look in his eyes. It wasn’t the way that someone looked at their friend and it certainly wasn’t the way someone looked at their hookup either.

“I…I don’t think I can do this,” Kiernan said, pushing herself away from Liam. He seemed stunned for a moment, unmoving as she struggled to get off of the mattress and back onto her feet. “I’m sorry, I have to go. I…fuck where are my underwear. Shit, shit, shit.”

Liam watched wordlessly as she swore, spinning in circles around his room until she found her underwear crumpled up on the floor near the door. She didn’t even check to see if they weren’t turned inside out before she slipped them back on, using the door as support while she balanced on one leg at a time. She didn’t have the heart to turn back and look at Liam. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t do it, not when he looked at her like that.

She had seen that look once before. It was late in the summer and they were sitting on her building’s rooftop with spiked lemonade. They were just sitting and talking, not a single physical thing happening. But there was nothing more intimate than the way Liam looked at her when the sun was setting, like there wasn’t a single other thing around him that deserved his attention. She knew he almost said it then, those three little words that people longed to hear. She could feel it because she wanted to say them too. Instead, she just pointed towards the sunset and made a comment about its colors, ruining their moment because she couldn’t cross that line.

Kiernan ignored Niall when she left, barely taking the time to pull on her boots and grab her coat. She wanted to call Lydia or Carmen, but they were both enjoying nights with their boyfriends. The only other person she would have called was Liam and she couldn’t exactly talk to him about something that directly involved him. She felt pathetic shivering on the sidewalk alone, trying to call a Lyft to get her home before she started to cry in public.

Part of her thought Liam might chase after her. That’s what happened in the movies, anyways. Liam would come outside in the cold without a jacket on and maybe she’d cry and admit that she was done playing her stupid little game and they’d kiss and everything would fix itself. But that’s not what happened in real life. Liam’s job wasn’t to come in and fix everything when Kiernan pretended that her feelings didn’t exist. It wasn’t only up to him, but she couldn’t muster up the courage to go back inside and talk to Liam face to face. So she stood outside alone in the cold and cried to herself, waiting for her Lyft to come whisk her away from the mess that she caused.

* * * * * * *

Four weeks and three days.

That’s how long it had been since Kiernan and Liam had last spoken. Liam tried to call twice, right after Kiernan stormed out of his apartment on Valentine’s Day. He tried twice more the next day, but Kiernan skipped class and stayed in bed all day with the blankets over her head until she felt sufficiently numb. She didn’t blame him for not putting any more effort into it after that. It would have been pointless. She was impossible to deal with. She could barely even put up with herself, why would she expect anyone else to?

Lydia and Carmen could barely get a word about it out of Kiernan. She was so upset after that night that all she wanted to do was surround herself with her best friends and let everything spill out of her. But, like clockwork, Kiernan did was she did best–she bottled everything up and pretended it never happened. They didn’t have a moment. Kiernan didn’t feel anything in the pit of her stomach when Liam’s arms were around her. Kiernan didn’t feel anything because there was nothing to feel. They were friends, strictly friends.

Her friends were patient for the first month. They didn’t mention Liam or try to push or pry when it wasn’t welcome. As much as they enjoyed making their comments in the past, Kiernan knew that Lydia and Carmen would never make a situation worse by trying to rush it. But they also knew Kiernan all too well, enough to know that sometimes they had to push her boundaries to knock some sense into her. She was stubborn in her ways, keeping herself guarded to save herself the heartbreak in the end. But what use was it staying so guarded when she still felt hurt after what she had done to Liam?

The trio skipped a party at Liam’s apartment to have a girls’ night in at Carmen’s place while her roommates were out. They were in almost identical ensembles, a pair of black leggings and various oversized sweatshirts that they had all nicked over the years from the men in their lives. Kiernan’s thankfully wasn’t Liam’s, but she had trouble remembering which ex she had stolen it from.

“It’s been so long since it’s just been the three of us,” Carmen gushed, plopping down onto the small arm chair angled towards the couch that Lydia and Kiernan were sharing. “I missed my girls.”

“I thought the last semester was supposed to be easy,” Lydia complained. “Or do they make it harder just to see who they can break right before graduation?”

“That’s what it feels like,” Carmen said. “Kier, I swear, I’ve never seen you work harder on something than your capstone project. You’re always in some coffee shop or the library!”

“Just trying to keep myself busy, that’s all,” she replied. “I’m so used to procrastinating that it feels nice to get some of it out of the way, even if I’ll still probably be scrambling to get everything put together at the end.”

“Ah, the beauty of college,” Lydia sighed. “Are we going to miss it when it’s over?”

“Probably the parties over the schoolwork,” Kiernan replied. “I don’t know how much longer you can get away with binge-drinking on Wednesday nights, unless you’re a finance bro or some shit.”

“True that,” Carmen said. “So, you’ve just been working really hard on your capstone project? Come on Kier, last time we talked you just let me and Carmen talk about Shiv and Julian the whole time and barely chimed in with anything of your own.”

“Guys, I know what you’re alluding to but I’m really not–”

“Really not in the mood to talk about it, we know,” Lydia said, finishing Kiernan’s sentence. “Kier, we’re honestly not trying to push you but we’re also kind of trying to push you. Okay, I’ll admit it. But it’s not to tease you or to be like, malicious with it. It’s truly out of love and concern for our best friend who clearly just doesn’t know what the hell is going on. Which is fine! None of us do!”

“Lyd, look, I appreciate it but I just…I can’t talk about it,” Kiernan said.

Lydia sighed. “Kier,” she said softly, shifting her body so she was facing Kiernan. “You don’t have to pretend with us, okay? Just for once, can you let yourself have feelings in front of other people instead of waiting until you’re by yourself? It doesn’t have to be as lonely as you make it.”

“I don’t even know if they’re feelings,” Kiernan replied, looking towards the ceiling. She ran her fingers through the hair near her temples, pulling it upward until it fell in frizzy waves against her cheeks. “I just don’t know anything at all.”

“Welcome to the boat,” Carmen said, chiming in from her seat. “Kier, I don’t know where you’ve been, but nobody has their shit together. Not you, not me, not Lyd, not my thirty-year-old neighbor, not a single person. If everyone had the answers to everything, then what would the fun or challenge be in life? How dull would every day be?”

“It’d be a hell of a lot less painful,” Kiernan said.

“It hurts because you’re trying to keep everything in,” Carmen replied. “And because you already have a predetermined idea of how everything is going to play out. For someone who is fairly optimistic, you don’t see your own relationships longterm and it’s upsetting. Just because you don’t 100% see you and Liam going the distance for whatever reason, you’re afraid of being with him except you really want to be with him so you try to find loopholes where you can have him in your life as a friend but also get to like see him naked and shit, I don’t know what gets you off, that’s your business.”

“It’s not that,” Kiernan tried to defend herself, but it was a weak argument.

Carmen wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t necessarily correct either, but that was partially because Kiernan couldn’t even keep her reasoning straight. She spent the greater part of the past three years trying to figure out where she and Liam stood without ever including him in the conversation. They never had “the talk” or really pushed each other to making the move. It genuinely was, from the outside at least, just a perfect scenario of friends who also had sex purely out of convenience. It was what was beneath the surface that would tarnish the pretty exterior. The jealousy (Kiernan would deny it until the day she died), the secret pining, the feelings, everything in the equation did not add up to platonic, no matter how hard Kiernan tried to make sure it all made sense.

“Then can you please tell us what it is? We’re just as lost as you, Kier, but we want to help,” Lydia asked.

“It’s…I don’t know, maybe it is all of that,” she said, finally giving in with a huff of frustration. “I’m not like, guarded because an ex-treated me like garbage. I’ve had exes and no we’re not friends but in the grand scheme of things, they were okay guys, things just didn’t work out. But with Liam…I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m afraid of losing him as a friend or just don’t think that I deserve someone like him.”

“Kier, that whole ‘someone like you is too good to be with someone like me’ mentality is Hollywood bullshit,” Carmen said. “It is. Total BS. You’re an incredibly gracious friend with a warm heart and Liam is equally as gracious and warm except he is a bit tidier than you are.”

Kiernan couldn’t help it, she snorted at Carmen’s comment before she could even open her mouth to reply. “I just…he’s just…it wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” she finally said. “It was a perfect system.”

“It was a flawed system,” Lydia replied. “You two were fucked from the start. And not in a bad way. It’s just…you two were never going to be just friends. I think eventually you two were going to come together–not like that, but also like that–with time. You guys just kind of complicated it by fucking on the daily and pretending like you two were just best friends who weren’t doing kinky shit behind the scenes with each other. And now here you are years later trying to sort out three years’ worth of complicated feelings that you’ve been convincing yourself didn’t exist when they like, very clearly did.”

“It’s really not that kink–okay, that is beside the point,” Kiernan replied, choosing her argument wisely. “I just…look, I’m just afraid that if one day down the line if either of us decide that we’re sick of each other then that’s it. It’s over. We can’t just go back to us being just friends who are now exes who were formerly just friends with benefits who were pretending they didn’t have feelings for each other the whole time.”

“Kier, that’s just what happens in life sometimes,” Lydia said. “Not to play devil’s advocate, but whether or not you and Liam decide to figure what the fuck is going on with your emotions, you’ll be friends. You’re either going to be whatever weird version of friends you are now or you’re going to decide to just do the damn thing and be together and still be best friends. You could lose him either way. People have friend breakups all the time, just like they have romantic breakups. Does the possibility of having a friend breakup stop you from making friends?”

Kiernan knew it was a rhetorical question, but she answered it for herself in her head.No, of course not. “Why are feelings so complicated?” she asked.

“Because they are, I don’t know what you want me to tell you, babe,” Carmen replied. “Listen, this is the last thing I’m going to say, okay? I don’t know about Lyds, but this is it for me. You and Liam separately are great people and together, even just as friends, are incredible. I think–and have always thought–you two would be great together, but understand that sometimes things need time. The two of you have zero plans of leaving the city after graduation. You say you don’t know what you want, which is fine if you truly don’t, but don’t try to bottle up your feelings if you’re having them, okay? Holding them in makes something that’s not supposed to be painful hurt. I don’t want that for you. Lydia doesn’t want that for you. And Liam most certainly doesn’t want that for you. So for once, just don’t bottle these things up. Let it out, Kier. You’ve been keeping it all in for so long. Just do it when you’re ready. Only you will know when the time is right, but you know damn well the two of us will try to nudge you along.”

* * * * * * *

Lydia and Carmen were true to their word. They didn’t push or nudge Kiernan before she was ready to face the truth. She needed more time. This time, it wasn’t to try to talk herself out of it. She just had to think everything through. She’d already fucked it up twice (more times than that, if she really thought about it). She wasn’t sure how many more times they could go through the motions just for one of them to back out last minute, too afraid to make the arbitrary next step.

She missed hanging out with Liam one on one. She spent a lot of time at home studying rather than holed up in their favorite coffee shops around the city. They saw each other still at parties and out at bars, but things weren’t like they were before Valentine’s Day and Kiernan wasn’t sure they could ever go back to normal until she made sense of what was going on in her head.

There was only a month left in the semester and Kiernan was focusing mainly on her capstone project and getting through her last couple of finals over anything else. Schoolwork was the perfect distraction, something she had never said throughout her entire college experience. Spending time in the library was the easiest excuse to get out of things, even if she didn’t feel proud about doing it. Part of her felt like she was ignoring the issue, but even Carmen said only Kiernan would know when the time was right. She was just having a hard time deciding when that was. Would there ever be a perfect time to do it or did she just have to rip the band-aid off?

Kiernan knew she could reach out to Lydia and Carmen again, but they couldn’t make decisions for her. They could just listen and try to guide Kier as best as they could. No matter how many conversations she had with her friends, the only person who could make the decision was Kiernan. She just had a hard time admitting it to herself.

Maybe it was just best to go back to the beginning, back before everything got convoluted with time and feelings.

It all started with a text message. Well, it really all started with being lab partners in their required biology class during their first semester. They exchanged numbers on the first day and Kiernan didn’t really expect much out of it besides having to work together on things throughout the semester. Then she ran into him at a party with Lydia and Carmen at the end of September and she got a text from him the next morning asking if she could help work on a lab report with him.

It hit her on a Friday night. She chose to stay in rather than heading out to a few bars in the East Village with her friends. She couldn’t get in the mood to go out, too unmotivated to change out of her leggings and loose sweater ensemble that she sported anytime she was in the comfort of her own home.

She wasn’t sure what came over her, but she certainly didn’t stop herself when she found Liam’s contact in her phone. She barely hesitated when she tapped the message bubble, opening up their previous text thread.

Hey Liam, are you around tonight? I’m not going out with everyone else but need some motivation to work on my capstone.

The blue bubble lingered in sight, her finger tapping the screen every time it started to dim. She knew she shouldn’t have obsessed over it, but the nerves were starting to set in. Maybe it was too soon or maybe she had missed her chance, taking too long to start to sort everything out.

Kiernan tried to distract herself. She pulled out her notes for her capstone project, her eyes glazing over while she read the same paragraph over and over. It was pointless to even try, her mind was still focused on the fact that her text still went unanswered. She knew it was ridiculous to assume that he was waiting by his phone, eager for a text from the girl who has been confusing him incessantly since they first met.

She was embarrassed to know that it took thirty-five minutes to finally hear back from Liam. She all but jumped when she saw her screen light up again, a new message notification in the center of her screen.

I’m just at home studying. The guys are all gone for the weekend so I figured I could attempt to get something done. Do you want to come by?

Do you mind? Only my dad is home and he’s watching basketball really loudly in the living room.

Of course not. You know the code, come over whenever you want.

Cool, thanks Liam.

Kiernan didn’t bother with changing her outfit or her hair. She merely gathered up her books, tossed her laptop into a tote bag, and all but rushed out of the apartment before she could talk herself out of it. There was no use in prolonging it anymore. She just couldn’t think about it. The more she stayed in her head, the easier it was to talk herself out of it. She wasn’t sure that was an option anymore.

Even still, she could barely keep her legs from bouncing while she sat on the subway, letting her eyes wander around the train car in search of any distraction. There was a baby in a stroller, someone balancing their guitar case while the track rocked back and forth. She counted every single stop, anxious to get off and make the three block walk to Liam’s place. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to say or when she was going to say it. Kiernan was just really banking on Carmen’s assurance that she would know when the time was right. She just had to hope that she could follow her own cues instead of forcing something to happen when it wasn’t ready yet.

Her legs didn’t stop shaking by the time she got to the front stoop of his building. She lingered on the front steps in the brisk night air, pulling the lapels of her jacket closer together while she took a few deep breaths. She was already there and told Liam she was on her way, going back now would make it look suspicious.

She felt like she was floating when she walked up the two flights of stairs to his apartment, her mind wandering at every opportunity to switch topics from Liam. She tried to think about her capstone project, what her plans would be for the next day, literally anything that could come to mind to keep her from obsessing over the one thing that she kept coming back to.

There was no turning back when she was face to face with the door to his apartment, her hand already curled into a fist and lingering over the wooden surface. Once she knocked, something had to happen, whether it was the conversation she was planning all along or an awkward night in with Liam. Either way, she knew standing outside of his apartment door wasn’t the way to go about it, so she finally just knocked, two soft raps against the door.

It didn’t take long for her to hear footsteps on the other side of the door, but she still felt her heart start to beat faster as the locks clicked. Kiernan saw a sliver of the inside of Liam’s apartment before she saw his face, her nerves settling momentarily until her eyes landed on his face.

“Hey,” Liam said, opening the door wide for Kiernan to come inside. “Is it still cold outside? I’d be lying if I said I left the apartment today.”

“It’s pretty nice, still kind of cold though,” she replied, letting the door close softly behind her. “In all fairness, I barely left the house today as well though. Wasn’t really up for it.”

“Well, I’m glad you decided to venture out,” he said. “Do you want anything to drink? I think I have wine around here somewhere…”

“Water is fine, honestly,” she replied, earning a quirked brow from Liam. “Wine and studying don’t mix.”

“Right,” Liam said, nodding at her explanation. “Well, I’ll get you some water then. Feel free to make yourself comfortable. I mean, not that I have to tell you that but…”

“I know the drill,” she replied. “Blanket Hog Reid is back in business.”

Liam laughed, shaking his head before disappearing into the kitchen. Kiernan kicked off her sneakers at the door, dragging her bag into the living room. She grabbed the knitted throw blanket off of the back of the sofa, draping it over her legs while she settled into the left side of the couch, setting her bag down on the floor.

When he came back into the living room with two glasses of water, he didn’t seem surprised at all that Kiernan had claimed the only blanket as hers, merely setting the glasses down onto the coffee table before he took a seat on the center cushion. “On a scale of one to ten, what are our chances of actually getting schoolwork done?” Liam asked.

“I’m 99% sure that everything in my bag right now is merely just a prop,” she replied. “I thought the word ‘study’ was just our code for hanging out.”

“One of these days I thought we might actually get some work done, but I guess we only need to worry about that for another month,” Liam pointed out. “What’s going to be our excuse when we graduate?”

“I don’t know, maybe we should just stop pretending that we need an excuse,” she said.

“I think that could work too,” Liam replied. “Probably should’ve done that all along so we didn’t seem so lazy.”

“Well, you know, everything seems like a better idea in retrospect,” she said with a shrug. “Not sure when it started or why it stuck. Well, I mean, I guess I know why it stuck but–”

“You really don’t have to…we don’t have to…” Liam stuttered, interrupting Kiernan before she could finish her sentence.

“But we should,” Kiernan said. She tried to seem calm, but her insides felt like they were twisting in knots. Her cheeks were no doubt flushed, the heat running from her chest straight up to her head. “I...I missed you, I guess? Is that a stupid way to start?”

“Kier, it’s me, you can just…talk,” Liam told her, sliding his hand across the sofa so it was within arm’s reach.

She sucked in a deep breath, letting it out in one long sigh. “Sometimes I think I don’t know how to act around you anymore. Which like, doesn’t have anything to do with you and has everything to do with me. Which is so fucking cliché but…sorry, I’m rambling. Am I rambling?”

“Kier,” Liam said, flipping his hand so his palm was facing up. She looked down, her eyes scanning over the faint lines in his skin. Without hesitating, Kiernan slid her palm into his, letting his fingers close gently around her hand.

“I don’t know what I want, Liam,” she said. “I don’t know what I want in life, in anything, but…I just don’t want that getting in the way anymore.”

“Of what?” he asked.

Kiernan was almost laughing, every single kind of emotion expelling from her. “Of us, of life, of anything,” she explained. “I’m sick of second-guessing everything I do around you because I’m afraid of making a mess out of our lives. Or rather, even more of a mess. I mean, what the fuck was Valentine’s Day? Or Christmas? Or that time on my roof over the summer? We get so close just to have me fuck it all up in the end. It’s just…it’s not fair.”

“I don’t know why you’re blaming yourself for anything, Kier,” Liam said, keeping his voice low. Kiernan’s shoulders were starting to shake, her breath becoming more sporadic. She didn’t want to make a big scene, but everything she tried to bury started to surface and she wasn’t sure she could control it anymore.

“Because if I don’t blame myself for anything, then what was all of this for?” Kiernan asked. “Why have we spent the past three years doing everything in our power to be together but also not be together?”

“Because we weren’t ready, Kiernan,” Liam said. “We needed time to just...be.”

“But what makes now the right time? How do we…how do we ever know?” she asked.

“We don’t,” Liam said. “But you’re here and you’re actually talking about it instead of running away so I mean…I’m taking it as a good sign.”

Kiernan couldn’t help but chuckle, using her free hand to dab under her eyes. “For fucks sake, I’m crying,” she swore, trying to stop the tears before they fell. “I was just sitting home alone and I just…I don’t know, I guess I just finally needed to let it out…let you know…whatever this is.”

“Come here,” Liam murmured, pulling his hand back. He held his arms open for Kiernan, adjusting his legs on the couch so there was room for her.

She merely nodded, leaning forward until her knees were pressed into the cushions of the sofa. She crawled forward, letting herself fall into Liam, his arms immediately wrapping around her waist. Kiernan’s chin rested on Liam’s shoulders, her face tucked into his neck while she tried to catch her breath.

“I think…I’m just tired of pretending, Liam,” she said, letting out a heavy sigh. “I’m just tired.”

“I know,” he replied, smoothing out the end of her hair with his palm. “Kier I just need to know if this is going to stick. I can’t…there’s only so many times I can do this.”

Kiernan nodded, taking in one last deep breath. Slowly, she slid her hands from his chest up to his shoulders. Her fingers bunched together the fabric of his sweatshirt, her head slowly raising out of the crook of his neck. This wasn’t new for them, but Kiernan hadn’t felt this close to Liam in a long time.

“This isn’t like the other times,” Kiernan murmured. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. The tip of Kiernan’s nose brushed against Liam’s, her right hand sliding off of his shoulder towards the back of his neck. “I don’t want to mess this up.”

“You’re not going to mess anything up,” Liam told her, rubbing gentle circles into the small of her back. Liam’s eyes were closed when Kiernan finally leaned down, angling her head so their noses didn’t bump. “Kier…” he murmured, his hand now firmly pressed against her back.

There wasn’t any time for talking when she finally gapped the distance between their lips. The last time they had each other like this, they were urgent, like it was something that might not happen between them again. This time, everything felt raw, less calculated, like she wasn’t afraid of everything she was feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“Would it…be wrong…to ask…if we could…move to…your room?” Kiernan asked, breaking their kiss to try to spit the question out.

Liam didn’t bother to respond with words. He merely planted his feet firmly on the ground, holding tightly onto Kiernan’s waist while he stood up. She squealed when he hoisted her up higher, her legs wrapping around his waist while he started to stumble through his apartment.

“Thank god we’ve practiced this part,” she joked, brushing a stray piece of hair out of her eyes.

“Thank god indeed.”

* * * * * * *

Kiernan was certain if she tried to unload more one cardboard box, her arms were going to fall off. She knew how much of a nightmare moving was from Lydia and Carmen but she didn’t realize how sore she was going to be just after two days of trying to make her apartment livable. All she wanted to do was unpack her clothes and books and have something to sit on, but all she accomplished was filling her room in with boxes and creating a mess with the belongings she managed to get unpacked without realizing she had nowhere to put them.

“Liam, I think I’m dying,” Kiernan complained, kneeling down on her mattress on the floor before collapsing onto her chest. “Who let me decide that moving out was a good idea?”

“I believe that person was you,” Liam pointed out, breaking down the box of books that he just unpacked onto part of her IKEA shelf. “You were very adamant about moving after you got that job offer.”

“It was stupid,” she groaned, her voice muffled by the mattress. “I’m going to be poor and sore.”

“We were already poor before you moved into your own place,” Liam pointed out. “And the sore part? Well, that I can’t really help you with.”

For as many things that Kiernan didn’t know in her life, things had a way of falling into place after graduation. She upped her hours at the office while she tried to sort out the details of her professional life, saving up every cent for the day that she was ready to leave the nest and live away from her parents for the first time in twenty-two years. She could only assume an act of god helped her get an entry level job at an agency at the end of July. It took her two weeks of working full-time to realize she couldn’t live the life she needed to while she was living at home.

Kiernan, admittedly, spent a lot of time after (and before) graduation at Liam’s place, but she didn’t want to rely on his apartment solely for a moment of privacy. At least, privacy away from parents and siblings. As much as her parents loved and adored Liam, she wasn’t sure their change in relationship would make the situation any different.

The second act of god turned out to be one of Lydia’s friends that Kiernan knew only by association and running into her at a few parties. She needed a new roommate at her apartment in Williamsburg near the bridge. It had no elevator and they lived on the third floor, but Kiernan was just excited it wasn’t on floor six. There were only three girls in the apartment including Kiernan and at one point or another, they had all met and drunkenly complimented each other, which automatically meant they were suitable to live with.

“Stop being productive and come lay down with me,” Kiernan said, rolling over onto her back so she was no longer struggling to breathe with her nose pressed against the thin fitted sheet she put on her mattress so it wasn’t just bare on her floor.

“Fine, but I’m all sweaty and you’re going to complain about it,” he replied. Kiernan braced herself for his landing, knowing he was going to do the same thing he always did. Without fail, Liam pretended to fall forward onto Kiernan, sticking out his arms at the last second to catch himself.

“You’re annoying,” she said, pushing his shoulders so he could roll over onto his back next to her rather than straddle her while they were both hot and sweaty. “But I still love and appreciate you anyways for helping me move and for building furniture in the near future when it all arrives.”

“What good would I be as a boyfriend if I didn’t at least help you try to furnish your room?” he asked. “Though, I would like to state on the record that even if we weren’t dating right now, I would still do it for you because you’re my friend and that’s just what friends do.”

“Well, that’s very sweet, Liam,” she told him, using the back of her hand to pat his chest gently. “I think I’m already ready for a break and we’ve only been unpacking for a few hours today.”

He chuckled, his shoulders brushing against Kiernan’s. “At this pace it’s going to take you two months to move in,” he pointed out.

“Then so be it!” she replied. “You’ll still be here to build whatever I need.”

“In two months? I sure as hell hope so,” he said.

“Good,” she replied. “Glad we’re on the same page then.”

“Finally,” he added, nudging her in the side.

#1dff #exchanges

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