#chugging though my queue

[blanc-ci]

Spock doesn’t quite understand why Kirk feels the need to “get so close they’re practically inside eachother’s skin” when they can just meld, but Kirk assures him it’s an entirely normal and common human intimacy ritual

[frankiebirds]

[deadgirlwalking91]

new update - 'thank you for the venom', chapter 2: 'fitting you with weapons in the form of words'

Chapter One

Chapter 2 Summary

Lute addresses the Exorcists with changes to the program.

...or at least, attempts to.

Can I just say a huuuuuuuuge thank you to those who read the first chapter of this silly little story? And another thank you to those who liked, reblogged and commented? You're all legends!!!

ao3 queue update - I'm number 24,363 in the queue, so more than halfway from where I started to an invite!

***

Chapter 2

The Common Room, Exorcist Training Centre, Heaven

There were precisely three times in Lute’s life that she could recall being so anxious she wanted to vomit.

The first time was minutes prior to her maiden voyage down into Hell. Her nerves had taken over to the point where, during Adam’s address before they descended through the portal to the realm below, she’d made sure to hide at the back of the crowd behind her sisters-in-arms. She’d hoped that the gateway to Hell would close before she had the chance to fly through, and she could stay behind in Heaven where she knew it was safe. Where she didn’t have to stress about being a disappointment if her performance wasn’t up to scratch.

As it turned out, Lute had no reason to worry. She had a natural talent for slaughter, and when she was armed with a sword, she was downright lethal. Once she stepped foot on the brimstone-covered streets of Hell, it was like a kill-switch had automatically been triggered somewhere deep inside her brain. No less than one hundred and sixty-seven Sinners were exterminated at her hands that year, earning her the highest individual amount for a rookie Exorcist ever recorded. She’d even been congratulated personally by Sera at the informal post-Extermination party that year, who didn’t usually attend such frivolous events, but she made a point of deliberately stopping past to seek out Lute and offer her praise.

“I’m going to keep my eye on you,” Sera had promised, her serene voice the only sound Lute could focus on despite the blaring music and drunken chanting vibrating through her ears. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see one of her fellow soldiers chugging expertly from a beer bong, golden ale dripping down her chin as other Exorcists and Adam egged her on.  “Continue the hard work, and you’ll do great things, soldier. I know it.”

The second time was a considerably less serious situation, yet an experience Lute found nothing short of mortifying: Vaggie had accidentally stumbled across her secret collection of romance novels one night when she was over visiting.

Romance wasn’t something that Lute had the patience for in her day-to-day life – in fact, she could think of nothing worse than having to share her time, her thoughts, her bed with somebody else. That would mean dropping her callous, tough-bitch façade and exposing the fact that she had feelings.

No. She had a reputation to uphold and as such, it was far easier to be alone and dedicate her focus to her work.

That didn’t mean that she couldn’t switch off at night and escape reality for an hour or two. Most nights, after meticulously cleaning her apartment and ensuring any outstanding work was completed, she’d curl up on her two-seater sofa under a blanket, hot chocolate in one hand and novel in another. She found an inexplicable comfort between the pages of those books, allowing them to stir emotions inside her that she would only allow to be felt when she was off-duty and alone. Some pages made her pulse quicken and pale cheeks flush as golden as the sun itself if they were particularly steamy. The more tender stories, however, stirred her softer side, making her stomach flutter and heart skip a beat.

She’d even shed a tear once at a particularly moving epilogue, though she’d rather tear her own arm off than ever admit it out load.

So, when Vaggie had opened Lute’s wardrobe that chilly evening to borrow a hoodie and noticed the box of poorly-hidden books – most of the covers depicting couples in various stages of undress, locked in compromising positions – Lute wanted nothing more than for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. It was the one guilty pleasure that she had for herself, and she couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen if her secret was exposed to her sisters. Her whole ‘tough bitch’ persona would be shattered, and then what?

“I swear to God, if you breathe a fucking word of this to anybody, Vaggie I will beat the living shit out of you.”  

“Relax,” Vaggie had laughed, studying the cover of one book through tears of mirth. “I won’t tell the girls that deep down, their Lieutenant is secretly a sucker for happily-ever-afters with a side of throbbing co-”

Lute seized her opportunity to tackle Vaggie to the ground and wrestle the tattered paperback from her friend’s hands, taking good measure to ‘accidentally’ whack her with it once or twice. Though she never stopped teasing Lute about her guilty pleasure, Vaggie stayed true to her word: she never told a soul about Lute’s dirty little secret, to which she was incredibly thankful for.

Those scenarios though, as nerve-wrecking and embarrassing as they were, paled in comparison to how Lute felt in this present moment: standing in front of her hundreds of peers, feeling the Commander’s eyes boring into her back, basically burning two holes directly through her shoulder blades. She knew he was daring her to fuck up, and there was no chance she was going to give him that satisfaction.

“Exorcists. Recently, there have been some concerns raised regarding the future of Extermination Day.”

Light murmurs started to ripple through the crowd of women, which didn’t help the bubbling feeling threatening to rise Lute’s abdomen. She flexed and clenched her left wrist in a feeble attempt to distract herself from her own nerves.

She was used to this. Whispering was fine. Nothing to worry about, totally normal, in fact. Besides, this happened all the time during Adam’s speeches – though usually, her sisters-in-arms were laughing at one of his inane jokes.

Reel them back in, Lieutenant.

“Be quiet.” Lute commanded sternly, and to her relief, the whispers died down almost instantly.  “After extensive analysis, we have concluded that – ”

“We? Ladies, just so you’re aware, I’ve had absolutely nothing to do with the bomb your lieutenant is about to drop on you.” Adam strode over next to where Lute was standing and bent down to mockingly rest his elbow on her right shoulder, his mask twisted into a smug grin. “If you think she’s a bitch now – and, you’re totally right, she absolutely is - you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

Lute exhaled sharply, trying not to let her frustration take over, and shrugged Adam’s arm off her shoulder with slightly more force than needed. Adam knew he had her cornered – if she reacted to his taunts, she’d be just as childish as he was. If she ignored him, she wouldn’t give him the rise that he was hoping to get out of her, but consequently she’d probably give off the impression that she was tolerating his attitude. Neither of those options were preferable – unfortunately, the lesser of two evils was to push through.

“Thanks, Commander, for your input, but I’d like to get back to the matter at hand if you don’t mind.”

“Sure thing, babe.” Adam waved a hand carelessly, indicating his boredom. “This is your gig, I’m just the supporting act, right?”

Lute ignored the jab as she felt the heat rising in her cheeks. The whispering had started again, and she knew she had to act quickly to get her sisters attention back to the matter at hand otherwise she’d lose their interest completely. She locked eyes with Vaggie at the front of the crowd, who gave her a quick thumbs up, the subtlest of reassuring smiles plastered across her otherwise expressionless mask. At least somebody was in her corner this morning. She wiped her now-sweating hands on the skirt of her training uniform and continued with the speech she’d rehearsed at least a hundred time over the past few days.

“Our Extermination Day kill count has been in steady decline over the past decade. As a result, Hell’s population continues to rise – we estimate growth of about twenty percent over the last three years alone. At this rate-”

Adam coughed loudly and pointedly. “Nerd.”

The whispers grew louder as they echoed off the walls of the room; the Exorcists now not bothering to hide the fact that they were talking amongst themselves. Their voices rang in Lute’s ears, drowning out her will to persevere with her speech. She tried to focus on her breathing to calm her stomach, but the thickness of the air around her only made her increasingly aware of just how damn suffocating her helmet was.

“What is going on with them?”

“I hope she punches him in the face!”

“That’s only because you’re mad he didn’t call you after-”

“ENOUGH!”

The chatter amongst the Exorcists stopped immediately at the unexpected sound of Lute’s raised voice, the identical eyes on their masks all widening in shock. Lute wasn’t known for losing her temper at her fellow Exorcists. Sure, on the battlefield she took no prisoners, and within the training compound she was strict, but she always known to uphold a professional demeanour in front of her peers.

Well, except for the time she threw a mug at her boss’ head. That was different, though. He deserved it.

“I don’t want another fucking interruption again this morning.” Lute growled, not bothering to disguise the anger in her tone. Professionalism be damned, she was going to get through this. “From anybody.” She looked pointedly at Adam, who held his hands up as if to say, ‘what did I do?’.

“We need to turn this decline around fast if we have any chance of improving our stats by next Extermination Day, or we risk further overpopulation in Hell. As of this morning, we’re taking a different approach with our training.  We’re going back to basics. None of you are wielding a single weapon or touching the simulator until we get the foundations right. Physical conditioning. Mental resilience. Hand-to-hand combat. When – and only when – I see significant improvement in those areas, you’ll pick up a weapon again.”

Great recovery, Lieutenant.

Lute pulled her helmet off her head, inhaling sharply and savouring those first few unrestricted breaths. Feeling the coolness of the air on her face refreshed her flustered state, grounding her once again. She set it down on a chair behind her and began to remove her gloves and boots.

“Going back to basics also means we’re not wearing these helmets during training for the time being. Or our boots, or gloves, or neck armour – you’ll never learn properly if you’re physically restricted. Moving forward, you’ll come to training in leggings, crop tops and trainers. We’ll reintroduce personal equipment once we build our skills back up. Get your helmets and armour off.”

The sound of metal clinking and armour hitting the floor echoed throughout the common room as her sisters removed their helmets and protective gear. Sensing she had a moment to herself, Lute ran her hands through her hair, separating the silvery strands that had been compressed together under the weight of her helmet. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back and massaged her scalp where the top of the helmet had irritated it, the sensation from the pressure eliciting a low ‘mmm’ from the back of her throat.

“Is that all it takes to make you moan? You’d be such a freak in the sheets, Lieutenant.” A low voice murmured in Lute’s ear, sending tiny shock waves that pulsated throughout her entire body, causing her eyes to flutter open.

He was so unexpectedly close to her; she could practically feel the smug satisfaction emanating off his body like a radiant heat. He’d deliberately sidled up next to her as he whispered so softy that only she could hear his voice, the silk of his robes just grazing the sensitive feathers of her right wing. Goosebumps spread up the back of Lute’s neck, the uneasy feeling that had been lying dormant in her stomach for several minutes now back with an unrelenting vengeance.

“Can you fucking not?” She snapped, ruffling her feathers in a futile attempt to create a barrier between them, trying to erase the closeness between them that she was now all too aware of. Not budging, he began to laugh – not just a small chuckle either, but a proper belly-laugh, his hands clutching at the front of his robes.

“Sorry babe, but that’s not usually a sound someone makes when they scratch their head. Coming from somebody as uptight as you though, it was basically pornographic.” He turned away from Lute towards the back of the room, reaching under his mask to wipe a tear away from the corner of his eye. “Look, you even made me cry. Funny shit.”

“Hilarious. Respectfully, Sir, go deep throat a cactus. How’s that for pornographic?”

 The last word of Lute’s sentence rang throughout the room as she slowly came to the realisation that the Exorcists had finished removing their gear some time ago and had been watching the back-and-forth between her and Adam for God knows how long.

Long enough for them to confirm what they were already suspicious of: that there was some kind of unspoken, private war raging between their Lieutenant and Commander.

“Right!” Lute barked, stepping away from Adam to create as much distance between them as possible. In her peripheral vision, his shoulders continued to shake with silent laughter.

“We’re moving into Hall One, ladies. Today’s the day I start whipping you bitches into shape. If I hear any complaints, you get burpees. If I see any slacking off or fucking around, you get burpees. Clear?”

“Yes, Lieutenant!” the crowd chimed in unison, before filing out of the room, their chatter filling the awkward silence that had hung in the air moments ago. Without a second glance back at Adam, she collected her discarded uniform and strode after her peers.

As Lute made her way into the training hall, she couldn’t help but notice the feeling in her stomach had shifted. The anxiety from just under her chest had finally dissipated, leaving behind an unfamiliar, burning feeling deep in her abdomen that she couldn’t quite place.

Shaking her head, she chalked it down to relief at finally getting through the morning address and shifted her focus to the task at hand.

It was time to start training her girls.

***

Stay tuned for the next chapter! I'm not naming the chapters for this story, but if I could name the next one.. it would be 'Dangertits'.

[chirp-a-chirp]

Court of Darkness: Devour & Delight

Fandom: Court of Darkness (Couples: Roy X MC, MC named Carla; Sherry X Rio)

Characters: Roy and Sherry Invidia; Rio Voleri; King Klaus; brief references to Toa and Fenn

Description: Roy prepares for his wedding; Rio is newly engaged. MC and Sherry listen in as both events lead to unintended drunken fun.

Description Pt 2: The second part of this fanfic (Roy’s wedding + wedding night) upcoming in future spicer post!

Word Count: ~1350K

Tags: Fluff; humor; crack; innuendos galore; boozy fun; horrible singing; established relationship

…

“Roy, Fenn said you needed to loosen up!”

“I am perfectly “loose”, as they say, my friend.”

Rio’s jovial laugh booms through the open window. Sherry and Carla sit in the royal gardens within the Invidian Castle courtyard, their table conveniently placed so they can hear their betrotheds from the second-story window. The table is partially obscured by a series of towering rose bushes. It is a few days before Roy’s wedding, with Rio and Roy conversing in Roy’s bedroom. Several unopened wine bottles sit on a nearby desk.

“Mate, you’re as dependable as they come, but so prim and proper. You don’t have to drink if you wish!”

“I would rather congratulate you on your and Sherry’s engagement. Besides, I am the picture of looseness and flexibility when it matters. Carla can attest to this.” While Carla and Sherry cannot see Roy’s face, they can easily envision the subtle smirk he wears.

“Excellent! Thought even you, gallant as you are, might be nervous.”

“My goodness, no. I cannot wait for Carla and I to be joined. It cannot happen soon enough.”

“You’re cozy as ever! Fenn said I might need to loosen up though—get some experience for Sherry’s sake, prior to me getting married. Any idea what he meant?”

There is a deafening silence at THAT question, followed by an embarrassed murmur from Roy Carla desperately wishes she could hear.

“Should we go save my brother?” Sherry’s eyes twinkle as she elegantly eyes a tea-biscuit. She keeps her voice low so Roy and Rio do not discover their location.

“Roy has to learn you’re not just his little sister anymore, but a woman. A newly engaged woman clearly in love.” Carla places her hand on top of Sherry’s. “He’s beyond happy for you and Rio. He’ll adjust.”

“Oh I know that! He’s been endlessly caring and supportive of Rio’s and my courtship. It’s just…”

“The way Rio expresses himself puts certain images in Roy’s head.” As if on queue, Rio and Roy’s voices float from the window.

“Roy, those are beautiful Pegasus figurines. Are they your favorite thing to ride?”

“They were, once upon a time. Now my preferences have changed, thanks to Carla.”

“Aw, do you and Carla ride together?”

“…in a manner of speaking, yes. Quite invigorating.” The mischief in Roy’s tone is readily apparent…except to Rio. Sherry giggles prettily. “That cheeky brother of mine!” Carla’s face transforms to a shade of red matching her tea.

“Do you think Sherry would enjoy riding like you do?” Another silence lingers before Roy chokes out a reply. “Perhaps I DO need wine.”

Carla covers her mouth from bursting out in hysterics. “Serves you right, Roy!” She glances at Sherry, her mouth quirking upwards. “Well? Do you enjoy riding with Rio?”

“Rio is a fast learner. So am I.” Sherry nibbles her biscuit, warmth coloring her cheeks. “Very sweet and tasty. Rio and the biscuit.” The princes continue their conversation.

“What if Sherry asks? Should I…give it to her?”

“I beg your pardon Rio?!”

“Wine. Does Sherry drink wine? If so, I’ll gladly give her a glass later.” Rio gestures to the wine bottles on the desk.

“GIVE ME THE WINE BOTTLE. I DO NOT REQUIRE A GLASS.” Roy looks as if he wants to elegantly chug the entire bottle. He is overjoyed at Rio and his sister entrusting their hearts to one another. However, he does NOT want to envision particular aspects of their relationship. Roy quickly regains his composure and pours himself and Rio a glass each. “My apologies. Do not know what overcame me. She does enjoy the occasional glass.”

“I swear, if it were anyone but Rio, I’d say they were trying to intentionally rile Roy up.” Sherry snickers at Carla’s comment. “But on to more important discussions Sherry—how did Rio propose?!”

Time roles by as Sherry details Rio’s proposal—he baked a cake with a ring inside, with Sherry nearly eating the ring! They talk as the sun sets, drinking tea and eating scones and biscuits. The discussion is so enthralling that neither pays much attention to Rio and Roy until—

🎵 “My lips devour

Our bond empowers

To love and all she brings!” 🎵

“What is that screeching? Are…are there dogs howling nearby?!”

Sherry points to the open window, where Rio is sticking his head out, singing very off-key.

“It appears Rio has had more than a single glass of wine.” Carla smiles despite the ringing to her ears.

“Oh, those are the words of a Saligian love song. One written by an Invidian and a Volerian together long ago!” Sherry steals a glance at her howling prince.

“Ummm…” Carla tries to find something positive to say about Rio’s singing. “He certainly sings with passion!”

“Speaking of passion Carla…” Sherry chortles.

🎵 “Her eyes delight

They’re quite the sight

To love and all she brings!” 🎵

Though hidden from view, Roy’s voice permeates through the air. The sound was…unique. Yes, that’s the word!

“Brother’s singing has all the elegance of a wet cat. You can say it. It’s not a secret, hehe!”

“If it WAS a secret, it certainly isn’t anymore.” Despite the pain to her ears, Carla is happy. She did not envision Roy ever letting his guard down enough to be tipsy in front of another besides her.

“Brother is talented and poised in so many areas. Singing, however, is not one of them. Roy once asked Toa to tutor him in singing in return for teaching Toa how to cultivate roses. Rio decided to learn alongside Roy as a sign of support.”

“And? What happened?”

“After a day, Toa said they had all the talent of drunken frost lizards. And that was an improvement.” As Sherry talks, a lizard crawls up the castle wall and onto Roy’s window. Roy motions tipsily to the lizard.

“Pray tell, I sing better than YOU, dear lizard!”

“That’s right! You tell’em Roy!”

At this juncture, Sherry and Carla decide to make their way in the Castle, following the sound of their intendeds’ slurred singing. The women open Roy’s bedroom door and poke their heads through a crack. A few palace maids discretely place rags in their ears as they pass by.

“You both have BEAUTIFUL singing voices,” Sherry beams. Rio laughs and Roy’s eyes widen.

“Ah, don’t bother lowering your voices,” Carla mock whispers to Sherry. “So this is what lies underneath their princely masks. Such grace!”

Carla expects Roy to become bashful at these teasing words. To her delight, he and Rio continue giddily singing. Roy tries to keep up with Rio, but laughter makes Roy lose his breath.

“Brother, it appears Rio can keep his liquor and song better than you!” Sherry is gleeful at seeing her beloved older brother in this state—drunk but having the time of his life. Roy tries to sing again, but his attempts prove futile as he misses one note after the next, until he is forced to stop all together.

“Sherry, you have to promise you’ll NEVER let Roy forget this!” Tears form in Carla’s eyes from laughing.

Roy nods and grins. “Oh, Sherry will never allow me to forget. But not before…” Roy lets out a roaring crescendo and sings “To love and all she brings!” He suddenly collapses on his bed and mumbles against the sheets. “Rio, invest in soundproof rooms. Believe me, it’s WELL worth it.”

“Oh good grief!” Carla cackles as Rio looks with heat at Sherry and nods seriously…before collapsing on the bed with Roy.

Sherry and Carla leave the room once they’ve ensured there’s plenty of water to drink. As they close the door, Carla wonders aloud where they procured the wine.

“My wine cellar!” King Klaus arrives. “Roy would not have fully enjoyed himself in public, so I suggested this option to Prince Rio.”

Roy lifts his head slightly at these words. He’d congratulate his father on his insight tomorrow—once the room stopped spinning. “Oh Creator,” Roy moans, “this will not be fun in the morning.”

Rio mumbles against a pillow. “Hey Roy—riding adventures can be soundproofed too, right?”

[annes-room]

💖 April 23, 2025

My Semester In Review!!

I am finally done my 4th year of university!! only one year left and then I'll be free 🥳

this year had the usual ups and downs, but I wanted to make a post to summarize my thoughts on how it went 💗

fun stats to start because I'm a stats major ✨ (all grades in percentages)

classes taken: 4

lowest grade across all: 74

highest grade: 100

total graded assignments (not including finals): 29

unweighted mean of grades: 93.84

percent of 100s in total graded: 44.83

Stat 413:

# assignments: 4

# midterms: 1

unweighted average: 85.9

course review: I thought the material would be interesting, and some of it was, but I disliked the prof so much 😭 I genuinely don't feel like I learned anything in that class. the only thing I really truly understood was the unit on optimization, but that's because I learned most of it in an earlier calc class 🙃 I was expecting the material to be a perfect blend between my stats and compsci programs but, as much as I did enjoy expanding my skills coding in R, it was a flop overall. we learned a lot of things just at the surface level and I didn't feel like we really dove deep into anything. very blah class overall. I also didn't really like the prof 🙃 he was very unserious and it didn't feel like he cared if we were actually learning as long as he just got to talk at us. I'm glad it's over!

rating: 0 stars 🕳️

Cmput 204:

# quizzes: 4

# midterms: 2

unweighted average: 94.5

course review: a solid course overall. I really liked learning about the different algorithms for sorting and searching. personally I think Merge Sort is my favourite, even though she needs some extra space, we can't all be perfect ✨ we ran out of time to learn about Hash Tables, but I think I would've liked them too. the profs slides were really messy, but it was a good opportunity to make summary notes and pull out the most crucial information. using pseudocode was also fun 😊 the practice questions for the quiz were overly juiced, but actual tests were not that difficult thankfully :)

rating: 4 stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟

Stat 371:

# assignments: 10

# midterms: 2

unweighted average: 94.5833

course review: it seemed really daunting at the start of the semester, and I probably wouldn't have done so well without my best friends in it, but I actually really liked the material! the last chapter, on queues, was fascinating! I can definitely see the use in models based on arrival and waiting times. the chapter on Bernoulli counting Processes and Poisson Processes were also very fun! the formulas looked overwhelming, but so nice to plug numbers into 🤩 I think 10 assignments was a bit much, since we still had one due each week even when we had the midterms, but I managed to push through it 😤

rating: 4 stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟

Stat 361:

# assignments: 5

# midterms: 1

unweighted average: 98.3333

course review: easiest course by far!!!! literally plug and chug. we learned about 4 different sampling techniques and how to estimate population sizes and it was just so easy and fun 😂 it ended up being my favourite this semester 🥳 assignments only took ~2 hours to do each time and there was almost no manipulation needed for the formulas. our exam formula sheets were extremely comprehensive too which is always nice 😊

rating: 5 stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Study times:

total (tracked) study time: 272.8 hrs

average per month: 68.2

I have no idea what happened in March that made me study that much because most of my midterms were in February 😅 I do remember being super tired last month though 😂 I'm hoping the numbers won't be as high next year as I'll be taking fewer classes 😅

total (tracked) reading time: 29.55 hours

average per month: 7.3875

that number is definitely off 😂 I could not have read 2 books a month with only that amount of time 😅 I wish though! I'll make a post later this year about the books I read and I'll probably make more review posts through the summer 😊

overall I think this semester went well. just another one to shelve away as something I accomplished and I'm proud I made it through 💪😤

if you read this far, thank you :) I hope your studies/work/hobbies/life is going well and that all your hard work pays off 💗

here's to a good summer!!

[zuuriell]

i felt like doing something so imma do this for the month! i’ll put all my answers below the cut because it’ll probably get quite long lol

1. Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (aka POTS)

2. well, it’s pretty complicated 😭 i’ve had some symptoms for probably like a year, but around late april/early may this year i couldn’t even shower or stand up too long from how bad it got. the uk healthcare system is absolute shit though, so even tho i’ve been a&e multiple times and tried to explain how much it’s all been affecting me, i still don’t get to see a cardiologist until february 2024 :( but we’ve ruled out other options of what it could be, and my mum’s cardiologist friend agreed when i said i thought i had POTS, and my GP agrees, and my potsie friends agree so i’m kinda like unofficially diagnosed as of now?

3. relating to the last point, i am not officially diagnosed yet because of the slow asf NHS so yeah :,) but i mean to figure out what i was experiencing was POTS, it did take me like 8 months? but probably around 10 for me to accept the fact that i most likely have it too 😭 an official diagnosis unless i can rack up the money to go private is probably gonna take me like another year at this rate, but hopefully it won’t be that long

4. i have to pick just one? LOL uhh probably the blood pooling! it’s so annoying because especially when im out and about, i can’t be with my legs in the air 24/7 so it’s always bound to happen. compression socks help but only to an extent, and it stops me from doing so muchhhh :( it means that queueing for things and standing for more than a couple minutes is so so much harder, and if i have too much blood pooling in one day then my can legs ache for DAYS after that. it’s so painful and annoying and just aaghhh i hate it

5. on a regular day: i wake up, chug water which i leave by my bed for the mornings, get out of bed slowly and walk downstairs to make breakfast. i chug electrolytes and go for a short dog walk, then come home to do schoolwork and my family make lunch/dinner so i don’t have to stand around too long. i’ll make sure i get any chores done that i can, and i’ll try to chill in the evening

on a bad day/flareup: i wake up a lot later, have my electrolytes with water and only get out of bed when i need to. i’ll do schoolwork from my bed (if i feel well enough to concentrate), and have salty snacks rather than proper meals, unless my family make me anything. i stretch from bed to combat deconditioning, and if i feel decent enough i can have a bath

6. i don’t have access to any specific medication unfortunately, so i currently just manage with painkillers when my chronic pain is extra bitchy + anti-nausea meds when i feel sicky

7. salt sachets (the little ones you get at like mcdonald’s and stuff) to shove in my purse/pocket in case symptoms flare while i’m out, compression garments, electrolyte tablets, and a recliner bed so i can raise my legs more when resting

8. electrolyte drinks!! not the tablets though (i hate the taste of all the tablets except like 1 lol) - my fav is making electrolyte drinks from scratch! at the moment i really love iced lemon water with honey and salt. i also saw smth about this fancy coconut water drink to make so i may try that and it may become my favourite :0

9. salty crackers, salt and vinegar/ready salted crisps, mcdonalds fries (stfu i know these aren’t healthy but they’re my favs 😭), pretzels, nuts

+ my fav foods to dump a bunch of salt on: pasta, veggies and dips (SALTED CUCUMBER IS SO GOOD), pizza, chips, soup, risotto, probs almost anything i eat tbh

10. i’ve only got one pair but i love them so shoutout to my knee-length black compression socks <3

11. i don’t have any 🥲 i really wish i could have a cane or maybe even a rollator but my family make fun of me and i can’t afford one lolsies

12. i try to do some stretching in bed so that i can safely work against deconditioning, keeping very hydrated, trying to stay upstairs as much as possible so i don’t have to suffer my staircase, asking family to make food for me so i can save energy, taking pain meds when needed, having a cold bath (if possible), trying to keep preoccupied with work if i can, but if not i’ll watch movies on my ipad and stuff

fun fact: i wrote this on a flare LOL so oddly fitting and now i’ve already made myself a plan for the next few days!

13. the thing that’s helped me most is accepting that something is wrong and remembering to listen to my body. going through life pretending that i’m perfectly abled and don’t have anything wrong causes much more harm to me than letting myself rest a few days. it definitely isn’t easy though - i still find myself getting stressed over work deadlines don’t get me wrong, but i’d like to think i’m getting better at adapting to things and noticing when a flare is coming on so i can be prepared to take the time for my body to rest.

14. chairs are your best friends now. i steal the chairs/stools from the kitchen table whenever i’m doing chores standing up for more than 30 seconds. compression socks also help! OOH and if you’re using hot water/heated stuff and struggle with temperature dysreg, i usually grab myself a cup of ice to munch on or an icepack to hold on my chest so that i don’t overheat :)

15. i’m afraid i don’t have much input for this as i left school for health reasons 😭 but i suppose keeping hydrated, getting accommodations such as not too many stairs + being allowed to take more days off to rest for flares, compression gear where possible, staying high on sodium + electrolytes, and extended deadlines would be good!

16. i’m gonna sound so silly for this but i love rewatching my comfort stuff. i’ve got my fav youtubers + fav films/series all compiled in a list, and i spin a wheel to decide which one i’m gonna watch! other activities i enjoy though are reading, playing video games, doing goofy quizzes online, chatting with friends, and going on pinterest sprees!

17. leading on from the last prompt, my fav is a marvel movie - tbh all of them bring me so much comfort but my favs are avengers, black widow, loki and any of the thor films <3

18. my main support system is my wonderful boyfriend, kurtis @agere-tomhiddleston-imagines 💚💛 he’s helped me through so much and he’s so supportive of me no matter what, and i love him dearly for that (and how awesome he is in general ofc) <3 other than that, my parents are semi-supportive! they still get things wrong sometimes but overall they’ll help if i need things and they handle all the shitty healthcare workers for me so i truly appreciate them for that 😭🙏 ooh and definitely just the general online community of chronically ill people/potsies!! i love y’all so much 🫶

19. okay i don’t know if this counts because she was an orthodontist rather than a doctor/nurse, but when discussing me getting braces she asked about my medical history and i explained it all but said i haven’t been diagnosed so i understand if she can’t accommodate me. then she said to me, “hun.. just because you don’t have a piece of paper with a few words on it, doesn’t mean you aren’t ill. if you’ve got symptoms but no confirmed cause, you’ve still got the symptoms, and i’m not gonna ignore those unless you want me to” - the validation was so relieving after years of fighting for doctors to listen to me and believe me :,) ❤️

(i’ll update this throughout the month! <3)

[mercarimari]

Peer Pressure Part 2 [Elucien]

A/N: So like, I wrote this on like zero sleep and I have no idea if it’s cohesive or not, but this is the continuation of Peer Pressure by @azrielshadowssing for the third acotar writing circle. I look forward to reading everyone elses parts, and I hope you guys enjoy this one. You can find a full list of all the writing circle fics and their parts right here.  WORD COUNT: 1507

Of all the things Lucien Vanserra had ever allowed to happen to him over the course of his life, being dragged to one of these parties was on the top of the list of regrets.

There were too many unknown variables at parties. How people would react under the influence, what they were drinking to begin with. The mental state before they started drinking. Whether or not they'd be stable enough to not cause a riot. And smart enough not to try to drive.

But Elain hadn't given him much of a choice.

And of all the people he'd allowed to drag him into this mess of an event. He was glad it was her. More than actually. 

She was a known variable. 

Beautiful, sweet, focused and willing to learn.

Elain. 

He'd be an idiot to not admit to himself that he found her… attractive, in more ways than one. Her kindness, her beauty, her brain. All of her.

And to think he'd have never met her if she didn't require his help. He'd have kept himself locked in his office and would've never left. 

But here he was, at a party, wearing ridiculous tropical hair pins and holding a pineapple cup in one hand and a coconut in the other while Elain danced with a group of the others gathered. 

He sat himself on the sidelines, added a few songs to the open queue and watched her. That was until she came over, and took her cup, downed it's contents, and beamed at him. 

"Get up and dance with me." She said, for a demand, it was adorable.

He discarded his own tropical glass, and took the hand she'd thrust out for him to take. 

"Alright, rosebud." He teased, "I'll dance with you."

Elain laughed, she'd had more to drink than he had. He hadn't even finished one cup of whatever concoction had been brought for them. Elain had had… more than that. Her cup and a few half filled solo cups. 

But she was having fun. And honestly? So was he.

Fuck the variables.

Someone passed him a solo cup full of the drink of choice for their evening. He had intended to sip it. But as soon as he tipped it to his lips, Elain beamed. "Chug! Chug! Chug!"

And several other members of the gathered collection of students in their field joined her in chanting, until the space filled with chanting.

Fuck it. 

Why the hell not?

Lucien tipped the cup to his lips and he didn't lower it. Not until the contents had disappeared, and he was left with a cheering crowd of his peers surrounding him.

Wouldn't be the first time he'd done as much, though the last time had been on a dare from his brothers and it had been disasterous to say the least.

It went overwhelmingly well this time. 

"Nice!" Elain laughed, "You need to get on our level, loosen up. *Have fun*."

"Statistics are fun." Lucien said, "This…" He made a face that could only be described as displeased. 

"But you're getting there." Elain teased, "A couple more drinks and you'll be having fun with the rest of us."

—-

Elain had been watching him closely most of the night. In spite of the several drinks she'd had over the course of the evening. He'd barely touched one. So seeing him chug the rest of that one was entertaining to say the least. 

And with that pin in his hair, he looked… as ridiculous as he did attractive. And half drunk it was definitely doing something to her. 

Another of their classmates, a girl named Mara circled through with more cups and passed them off, one to her and one to Lucien. 

Lucien looked at it like he was debating whether or not he was actually going to drink it. 

"My level, remember?" She reminded him, "I'll give you some time to catch up."

He laughed and started drinking that cup as well. Good. It took him the better part of two songs to finish that one, before Elain handed him the one in her hand. 

She waited while he finished it before she asked, "How're you feeling?"

"I feel fine." He said.

"Now, dance with me." She said, taking his hand to lead him off to a corner to dance. 

"You're beautiful, you know that?" She hadn't been expecting him to say that. Not with him standing so close to her as they swayed to the slow song that someone had picked specifically because they were dancing. 

He'd called her beautiful. He had to be drunk. Definitely on her level. Or above it? Below it? Didn't matter, Lucien Vanserra was drunk and giving her compliments. 

And she couldn't say that she was entirely angry about it. 

"Absolutely gorgeous." He murmured, leaning in closer to her. She wanted to kiss him. She really wanted to kiss him. 

How long had they been working together now to help her with the statistics of it all…? He was everything he'd called her. Beautiful. Gorgeous… brilliant. And she'd wanted to kiss him since that first day when he'd agreed to help her. 

"Lucien…" She whispered, the sound a ghost on her lips in the space between them.

"May I kiss you?" He asked. 

He asked her if he could kiss her. He asked permission first. And she couldn't exactly deny him what he wanted, when she wanted it to. 

"Yes." She said. 

And he closed the distance between them. 

Lucien Vanserra was a damn good kisser. Was there anything this man wasn't good at? That was the question. 

Elain tried to pretend that she couldn't hear their peers cheering them on. Apparently this was something they'd been expecting. They stayed like that for so many moments there was no counting them. Not when his kiss made her feel so much. 

Perhaps she was the one who had had too much to drink. 

Inevitably though, he pulled away from her. Their kiss broke and he watched her as she fumbled for her words. 

"Can we get out of here?" She asked, "Anywhere but here."

"I've been waiting for you to ask me that all night."

—-

As it turned out, the night had been full of a variety of varying statistics. He had been able to anticipate dancing with Elain. He knew he was going to have more alcohol than he would normally drink, likely because of the woman. 

He had been prepared to ask her to kiss him. Had started calculating that outcome after she'd had him chug an entire glass of whatever concoction had gotten them all drunk and ready to party. 

He'd even had an inkling of hope that it would end where it was, with Elain Archeron asking him to take her anywhere else. 

A win win scenario. 

He got to get out of the party he was out of place in. And he got to do it with Elain.

His hand slid down her arm to take her hand and he led her out of the party and into the quiet night beyond. 

"Do you want to go back to my apartment, or yours?" He asked. It was a matter of where she'd be more comfortable waking up.

"Yours." Elain said, leaning up against him with stumbling steps. 

She'd definitely had enough that she was thoroughly plastered. She couldn't even walk straight. At least he was doing better than that.

So what else was there to do but support her weight as they both walked towards his off campus apartment. He needed to get some food on her stomach when they got back. That was a top priority, to try and soak some of that alcohol up. 

They walked in silence, well… almost silence. Elain giggled at random intervals as she struggled to walk, and about the time they'd reached his door she bubbled with more. 

"I wasn't expecting it to hit me so hard." She laughed, "I was okay a lil bit ago."

Well she was still fine. Still safe. Just more drunk than before. 

He unlocked the door, and let them both into the pristine apartment. It was unsurprisingly minimalist, black and white. Very square. Clean. 

He led her through the door and into the kitchen where he sat her down. 

"You stay put, I'm going to get you something to eat."

Two pieces of toasted bread, two Tylenol, and a glass of water later. Elain was drifting off in her seat, and Lucien couldn't help but smile. She was absolutely adorable. 

He moved scooping her up from her chair and carrying her to his bedroom. He settled her into the bed, tucked her in, and headed back out towards the kitchen. 

He prepared two more glasses of water. Set one on the bedside table, kissed her forehead, and made his way back to the kitchen to drink his own. 

Two more Tylenol and two more pieces of toast later, and Lucien Vanserra found himself settling onto his couch to drift off into a deep sleep.

[emsdiaryarchive]

Thursday night was suit night and we all went out to the Mercantile where a Bowie tribute band were playing and we all got drunk and had a dance and it was all fine and dandy. I met Aoife, Aaron's girlfriend for the first time, and immediately felt bad. She was so lovely and kind and sweet and seemed to really care for him. Ryan tried to tell me I was a great dancer, but when he put his arms around me, it stung. But I still wanted to make sure he was ok on the way back to Dane's and to drink plenty of water because he was on a lot of MDMA but he just chugged from a bottle of white wine. So we're back in the house and I sit in my chair, watching all the happy passing faces, dancing sweaty bodies, moving from room to room in my 6 inch heels. First Alex's room where him and Conor played some mixes on their DJ decks. Then to Charlie's room, where a girl who was definitely on coke gave a speech about the joys of knee high socks. Then everyone moved out of Charlie's room, except for me and Fionn, who grabbed me by the waist and tried to shut the door. I also spent a considerable amount of time with my legs up on his lap. If he wants to send me mixed messages, so will I. Having said that, I don't actually know how I feel. Though lately, I think I do. See I only know drunk him. The flirty him, who winks at me incessantly, who tries grab my waist or simply hold my hand and stroke it with his thumb. All this on Thursday night, along with some casual conversation. And before we had both gotten hammered, it had been an awkward encounter in the queue for the toilet, him and me spending a few seconds just awkwardly smiling at each other. That's all it ever is, awkward smiling, a casual exchange. Ever since Thursday though I've clearly been on his mind since he messaged me suggesting we meet up after Christmas....

[siodium]

KYOTOSAKA DAY 9: NAMBA YASAKA SHRINE, TSURUMI RYOKUCHI PARK 🌼

photo dump of the day when we were sick of and overstimulated from shopping, so we decided to dedicate an entire afternoon to some grass touching~ ( ꈍ◡ꈍ)

first stop of the day was the namba yasaka shrine. it was so packed, but i managed to get a shot of the gigantic stone lion head with no humans in it. there was a store right outside the shrine that made custom engraved wooden plaque keychains. luwi and i both got one each~

had kura sushi for lunch!! i was surprised that there was no queue at all during lunch time?? i guess it's more popular as a dinner spot. they were having a one piece collab, and we pulled a magnet of some guy?? that neither of us recognised bc we didn't consume the series.

for tea break, we went to this cafe with a riverside view (honestly, it was giving ✨canal✨) that my colleague recommended. it's called moto coffee. the sweet treats and the tea were good!! luwi got a matcha tiramisu, and i got a nuts and dried fruits brownie. had to queue for a bit to get a terrace seat though.

there were stalls lining the entrance to the park?? spotted a stall selling plants and flower bouquets and they were so all prettyyyy. i bought a smol dried flower bouquet~ the little white pompoms remind me of chi so.

spider lilies (my fav!!!) were in bloom, but we couldn't figure out where they were located on the park's map?? so we searched everywhere aND FINALLY FOUND A SMALL FIELD OF THEM!! the sight was incredible. the trip to the park was worth it to see these flowers irl. ദ്ദി ( ᵔ ᗜ ᵔ )

i'm still wondering what chi's five petalled flower is........ i think one of the flowers we saw was pretty close?? pink petals and a yellow centre?? could it be????

omurice for dinner!! i like how i could choose from a variety of sauces and rice types!! one of the best meals i've had on this trip. i wasn't expecting them to serve my chestnut parfait first though LMAO. dessert before the main course?? sure why not i guess??

water refills were free and self-service but i couldn't read the signs properly and accidentally dispensed beer into my cup. i had to discretely chug one sip of beer...... embarrassing but i don't think anyone noticed bc i wasn't questioned or asked to pay for the beer.

unboxed the smiskis that i got from our late night donki run bc i just couldn't resist. tbh all the designs from the toilet series are great, so i was happy with anything i pulled~

[julem]

i think i need to take a break from tumblr until i finish deltarune ch.2 (or until the hype dies down) i'm terrified of spoilers

[anothermarkiplierfan]

Might be starting to be active again soon, not sure yet

[piastrinorris]

busy streets and busy lives • ralph penbury x reader

A strange day at work gets even stranger when you meet a man who claims he's from 1926. With no certainty as to when he can get back, you decide to take him in until that time arrives.

masterlist | prev. | next

Tags: Timewasters (series), modern!au, slow burn, mutual pining, idiots in love™, fluff, some angst, swearing and mentions of adult themes throughout, eventual adult content, alcohol content, penbury is a fanon surname

Word count: 9.2k

A/N: Thanks for being patient! I know this one took longer than the other two, but yeah. Back pain is no joke, and also, as you can see, this became somewhat of a monolith lol. This whole fic is my most favourite thing to write. I hope you enjoy this chapter! <3

Also, apologies for the horrific photoshop job I did trying to recreate a certain social media layout, lol.

The first few weeks of living with Ralph are certainly… An experience. You’re able to teach him how to cook basic freezer meals, how to use a hob and the importance of never taking your attention away from food when you’re preparing it. He’s got his favourite TV shows, especially now that you’ve trusted him with access to your streaming services, too - though you did have to make him a separate profile on your account when your current obsession had been drowned out in your Continue Watching queue by Ralph watching half an hour of whatever was showing up first, giving up and moving onto the next thing. He’s got a rapport as “that eccentric young man who lives in flat 912”, who befriends all the local outdoor cats and bows to everyone he makes eye contact with. Plus, with all the extra attention Ralph gives them while you’re not there, your plants have been thriving more than ever.

Another morning of waking up on the sofa. You reach blindly for the pain relief and water bottle you now keep close to you and chug them down before peeling yourself away. At least today is a day off. Except it isn’t really, as you’re reminded when you hear the shower going. You’re still a full-time Ralph-sitter. You decide to treat the pair of you to a full breakfast, something that your new housemate had considered “grotesque” as “grease is not a food group”, but you’d acclimated him to it eventually. As long as you cut him some bread soldiers to dip into the yolks of his eggs. That’s his favourite part.

You scroll through Spotify on your phone to see what playlist you’ll ask your Echo to play for you. It recommends, based on your recent listening (by which it obviously means the battle your algorithm faces trying to find common ground between your music taste and Ralph’s), an electro-swing playlist. Excited, you ask Alexa to play the playlist as it’s titled, and start bouncing along to it as you get everything out to start cooking.

Ralph emerges, hair still wet, with a smile on his face. “Good morning!” You understand and appreciate his efforts to try and blend in a little more aesthetically, but arguably the worst thing your friends have convinced Ralph is that he looks better with a bit of facial hair. Which, of course, is true, but that’s what makes it so terrible for you. “What is this?!”

You shrug, “Dunno, it said electro-swing and I figured that sounds like the perfect mix of both of us. You like it?”

Ralph nods, “I mean, it’s certainly not the classics, but I could definitely get used to this!” He starts moving his feet in very deliberate ways, and you smirk at him.

“Did you ever learn how to swing dance, by any chance?”

“Guilty!” he lilts, rolling his eyes up. No matter how much he may try to look like a 21st century man, he’s still unmistakably Ralph. “Yes, Mother got Victoria and I enrolled in a school to get us out of the house. Father wanted me to join some new-fangled group, the Scouts?” You’d think you’d be used to all the culture shocks by now, but hearing that Ralph could have been one of the first ever Scouts still knocks the wind out of you a little. Ralph, completely unaware, continues rambling, “Yes, but it was all… Swimming and climbing and… Outdoor survival,” he shudders. “So, Mother sent me away with Victoria to her dance classes.”

“Were you any good? Or did you enjoy it, at least?” you ask.

Ralph smiles as his head bobs with excitement, “I was rather exemplary, yes! Ms Lillian often paired Victoria and I together, knowing we could practise at home as well, though when we got to a… Certain age, Victoria decided she would rather have other male partners.” You can tell from the sadness in Ralph’s tone what he’s about to say next. “And, well, she was on such good terms with the other girls in the group that… Well, none of them wanted to be paired with little brother Ralph, so the teacher was my partner. ‘Little brother’, I ask you, only by twelve minutes!” he starts to mutter under his breath.

An urge swells within you to find Homeless Pete, insist he find a way to fix that time machine up as soon as possible, and travel back to that time just to shove every one of those rich little brats. Instead, you focus that energy on comforting Ralph, reaching your arms around his shoulders in a quick hug. “I’m sorry, mate. Though, I don’t suppose you remember those moves you learned?”

His eyes light up. “I certainly do! Did you want to learn how to? The teacher did say I was quite the natural, I could teach you if you wanted!”

You grin, “I’d love nothing more.”

You spend the best part of an hour learning how to do things like the Charleston Step, the bow tie and the one that Ralph calls one turns, two turns, which you can tell is his favourite based on the smile he gets when it’s his turn to get twirled around.

Eventually, you heave with exhaustion. “Well, that’s worked up the old appetite, though I dunno how I’m gonna cook when I can barely feel my legs!”

Ralph giggles, “Oh, please, that was nothing! Ms Lillian would have you in tatters.” You give him a death stare and he stops laughing immediately. “Would you like me to get us something from the baker’s? I could get you some of those doughed nuts that you enjoy.”

“For the last time, Ralph, doughnuts don’t actually contain nuts and you can have some yourself, too!” you groan as you start replacing everything you’d taken out of the fridge.

Ralph tuts, shaking his head. “I have no interest in your nuts, thank you.” That’s one to send to Scott and Connor later, you think to yourself as you open up your phone and add to the note “Ralph Quotes”. “Perhaps the nice old lady who calls me chap will be there,” he muses with a small smile, “I like her.”

“Hop to it, then, old sport,” you say in a mock-posh voice, earning you a glare from Ralph, which only makes you laugh as you make your own way to the shower.

When you’re out and dressed for the day - in the clothes Ralph had worn on his first night with you, but only because they’re your go-to comfort clothes anyway and you don’t exactly plan on leaving the flat - you go through your usual routine of checking the news app for the headlines, and then the trending topics on Twitter, just to see if there’s anything your friends will be talking about. 

You giggle at the fact that the name Ralph is trending, screenshotting it to send to the group chat later. Out of curiosity as to which Ralph the internet is obsessing over today, you tap it and scroll through. It’s mostly people in fandoms, making threads called ‘[series] as ralph tweets’. The “ralph tweets” in question seem to be of someone tweeting as though they think Twitter works in the same way as Google.

Your stomach drops as you realise some of them look a little too familiar. Almost as though you know a Ralph who’d be this far out of touch with the modern world. Almost as though you could track the very conversations that would lead to some of these to that particular Ralph.

You click through to the profile @RalphOnTwitter and scroll all the way down to see exactly when he must have gotten an account:

You send a single message in the group chat: GROUP MEETING, MY FLAT, ASAP. ALL MUST ATTEND.

Your friends all arrive relatively quickly after that. You simply herd them all onto the sofa one by one until the last of them has arrived, but just as you’re about to lay into them, the man of the hour arrives, having fumbled with the lock for a good minute with his arms full of baked goods.

“Ah, good morning, all! It’s a good job you’re all here, it was that young woman serving today and she always gives me extra food even though I don’t ask for it or pay for it, I don’t know why -”

“It’s ‘cause she fancies you, mate,” Connor grins, causing Ralph’s ears to turn a vibrant shade of red.

“Can we please discuss Ralph’s love life another time?!” you interrupt. “I need to know which of you is responsible for giving him access to a Twitter account.”

You know Anna’s in the clear, you’d been helping her in the kitchen, but the other three look at each other shiftily. “Well, it was sort of all of us? We just thought it might be fun to teach him,” Grace explains. “It’s not often you meet someone who’s never heard of social media.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose, squeezing your eyes shut. “Ralph,” you call out, eyes still closed, “what do you do when you need to know the answer to something?”

“I do what you taught me when you first gave me my phone,” Ralph answers, perplexed. “I tap the very last square, I type in my question and I wait for an answer. A lot of them are just people being rude, but eventually someone will be helpful.”

“Sounds about right,” you groan, rubbing your face.

“Wait, you mean, you still do that even after we put - you didn’t think to just move one to the -” Scott’s eyes widen. “Oh, god.”

“Why would it move?!” Ralph asks, taking a bite out of his favourite pastry and chewing anxiously.

Anna starts giggling as she scrolls through his account, “Aww, but it’s so funny! And it’s not hurting anyone, what’s the damage in it?”

The fact he’s not supposed to be alive and yet he’s suddenly very much perceived, maybe? The fact he could accidentally tweet something that would give him away? The fact he could tweet something vastly inappropriate at any moment?

“Yeah, you could really capitalise on him while he’s here,” Connor smirks. “Get him on Instagram, too, get those brand deals coming.”

“Yeah! Ralph On Twitter’s face reveal, make it a whole thing,” Grace grins.

You sigh. “I dunno. It feels like a really bad idea.” You look at Ralph, who looks blankly back at you. “But… Maybe we could make something of you. As long as I’m your PR manager, obviously, and you don’t go talking directly to anyone.”

“I don’t think I know how,” Ralph shakes his head, “I thought it was the searching thing that you’d told me about.”

“Good. Never learn,” you point at him, “and give me your phone.” Your friends all cheer as they crowd around you, watching you download Instagram onto his phone, as well. You give him the handle @ralphoninsta “to keep the brand alive,” you explain as you set up his profile.

“Now we need a good first photo,” Scott holds his fingers and thumbs up in a rectangle shape to frame Ralph in his own field of vision. “Let’s get him into some good lighting.”

Sitting him in the best-lit corner of the flat, Scott insists on playing photographer, telling Ralph to sit and smile. However, Ralph does not seem to do well in front of the camera. He sits bolt upright, every part of him looking stiff and uncomfortable, and his smile isn’t right. It’s far too forced, it shows all his teeth and yet somehow the smile itself stretches beyond them. “Maybe we should take him out and about, get some candid shots of him,” Anna suggests.

You groan, having just started on your second doughnut. “Fine! I’ll leave the house today, but I won’t be pleased about it!” You shake your half-eaten breakfast at your friends, who laugh. “And you guys better come eat these, too, Ralph wasn’t kidding about these freebies.” You hold out another doughnut and wave it in Ralph’s direction, “Sure I can’t tempt you with one?”

He leaps onto his feet and backs away from you, “How many times must I ask you to keep your doughed nuts out of my face, please!” As expected, Scott and Connor crease up in laughter.

“You’ll love ‘em when you try ‘em, Ralphie,” you grin, taking another bite of your own, but Ralph isn’t as amused by it all.

Once you’re all adequately full, you begrudgingly throw on a hoodie and go out with everyone else, trying to find the right lighting, the right backdrop. Even with everything, Ralph just doesn’t seem to pose very well. His posture becomes so much more awkward and his facial expressions just aren’t… Ralph.

When he starts to express his apathy for the whole thing, you think of one more thing that might help. Standing him in front of a brick wall, you position Scott and set his phone camera to video, earning you an, “Ahh, good shout.”

Scott starts recording as Ralph stands in place, looking over at all of you. “So, what is it I’m supposed to do, now? Do I have to pose again? How?”

You shrug, “I dunno, just… Be Ralph. Stand however you want. Look however you want. Just, keep it moving around, yeah?”

He may still look a little awkward but you’re able to get him to do plenty, at least. Getting him comfortable is easy enough, you start getting him talking about his new favourite TV programmes and he very vaguely - and mostly not entirely correctly - describes the plots of them, with all the excited sincerity of a lifelong fan. Grace also asks him about his favourite local cats he’s befriended whenever he’s been out and about, which he lists happily and extensively. 

When Scott feels as though he’s got some good angles, he stops recording and you all crowd around him to review the footage together. While you all have different opinions on which angles are best, you can all agree on one thing - Ralph certainly photographs far, far better candidly. You all eventually settle on pausing and screenshotting at two specific moments, though Ralph is still perplexed. “But I’m not posed for either of those pictures, doesn’t that make them bad? I mean, I’m not even looking in that second one!” He points to a shot where he’s looking down, itching his jaw.

“No, trust me, it’s fine, they’re great,” you insist, maybe a little too quickly. Nobody seems to have noticed, though. Thankfully.

“And in this one, the sun is in my eyes! I’m all squinty!” He frowns, swiping to the previous shot.

“That’s called a smoulder, babes, everyone loves a smoulder.” You watch in amusement as Ralph’s ears turn pink at Grace’s words. No matter how many times you’ve told him that Grace calls everyone by that name, it still gets Ralph all nervous to be referred to by it himself. “You’re a natural, when you’re not actually trying.”

“Is that a good thing?” Ralph asks, his eyes darting around the group to gauge everyone’s reactions.

Anna nods, “It shows promise, right, Scott? Scott’s big into his photography shit, he’s got a proper camera and everything, don’t you?”

Scott nods. “If you ever wanted to try and get more comfortable with it, we could definitely shoot together sometime.”

Ralph shuffles over to you to whisper in your ear, “What do guns have to do with -”

You interrupt him to quietly explain, “You shoot photos on a camera.”

“Ah. Thank you.” Addressing Scott, he smiles and claps, bouncing on the balls of his feet, “If I am still around, I should rather enjoy that!”

“Fuck, I forgot we’ve only got you on borrowed time,” Anna complains, before gasping and clapping her hands, addressing you. “This is your weekend off, right?!” You nod, and she squeals, holding her face in her hands. “So, we have to show Ralph what a good night out is, right?!”

Excited reactions from the entire group, except one, obviously, but the others seem too keen on planning tonight now to respond to any of his reactions. “So, do we just take him out, or out-out?” Connor asks.

You look over at Ralph’s face, trying not to laugh too loudly at him looking as though he’s been asked to solve quantum equations in his head. “You trying to figure out the difference there, mate?” you ask, and he nods. “Right, so going out usually means just to the local pub, pretty casual attire, you say you’re only going for a couple of beers but then it’s approaching midnight, the poor sod behind the bar is calling last orders and you’re five deep, trying to gather everyone for the walk home where you drop them all off one by one. Going out-out is dressing up, it’s going into the city itself, it’s going to bars and nightclubs and getting super overpriced cocktails until it’s 3am and you’re sat outside a McDonald’s waiting for a taxi home with whichever stragglers you’ve managed to hold onto by the end of the night.”

“Dressing up, you say?!” Ralph lights up at the idea, but you put a hand on his arm.

“Not in the suit and tie way, I’m afraid.” You frown, “I don’t actually know if we’ve got any out-out clothes for you at home, you know. I haven’t had a chance to get you to any shops where you can try nice clothes on yourself.”

With a collective gasp, Grace and Anna each loop an arm around each of Ralph’s, with Scott joining in their chorus of, “Shopping trip?!”

You groan, “Can I at least go back and get changed if you’re gonna keep making me leave the house?”

“I mean, you don’t have to come with us, if you want a break,” Anna suggests. “You trust us with Ralph, right?”

“So what, just the four of you will be going, then?” Connor asks, to the others’ groans. “Oh, come off it, what use would I be?!”

“Connor,” Anna starts. “How often are we ever likely to ask you for your opinion as a straight man again? You need to come with, for your people.”

Connor sighs in resignation, though he can’t fight his own smile. “Alright, fine, but you lot are buying all the coffees I’m gonna need to get through this.”

You slip Ralph your bank card, mutter to him that the others will teach him how to use it, and salute the others as they all make their way to the high street before turning on your heel and heading back to the sanctuary of an empty flat.

Straight away, it feels too empty. Too quiet. Sure, you’ve trusted Ralph to just pop across the road and back, but you’ve got way more alone time now. You ask your Echo to play your favourite playlist as you make a start on the chores you normally can’t do with Ralph around.

Though you expect that to take up until they return, you’re done before the hour is up. You let out a long exhale, tutting through it as you look around your little living space and wonder what on earth to do with yourself. You start watching the next episode of the show you’d been watching, but even that didn’t feel right without the constant interjections, feeling as though you have to explain who characters are, what plots have already happened and why certain scenes are especially important.

You text the group chat a few times, but only Connor ever responds, and as is on brand for him, it’s always a sarcastic comment about how Ralph is obviously going to show up in the most garish outfits known to man. You take comfort in Connor being the one to make those jokes, at least, as if anyone else were to, you might be more inclined to worry that Ralph’s own tastes might just be a little too eclectic for the South London nightlife. At least Connor will be there to talk him down into dressing somewhat appropriately.

You also ask Scott to send you the photos for Ralph’s Instagram profile, telling him you’re happy to edit them to pass the time before eventually getting them onto Ralph’s phone to upload them. He sends you the screenshots, along with the video itself. One little watch, you tell yourself. Then to editing.

An indeterminable amount of time later, you’re replaying a part where you’re constantly correcting Ralph on the actual plot of Gilmore Girls versus what he seems to have retained that it’s about, where you’ve reached the point of uncontrollable laughter and he’s laughing at your laughter. His smile is so pure when he’s genuinely happy, and yet it’s so rare to see it that way. Even without his manufactured pose, when he’s smiling amongst you and your friends it still feels stilted. You often wonder whether he misses the familiarity of home, whether you’re doing a good enough job at helping Ralph to fit in. But seeing that look on his face, it fills you with an overwhelming sense of relief. It’s the first time you’ve been able to really notice him looking comfortable. You take a screenshot of that moment, but not necessarily to add to Ralph’s profile. Maybe this one stays as a memento of Ralph’s time here, just for you.

When you get the text in the group chat letting you know that a) they’re finished, and b) everyone’s getting ready at Grace’s since her housemates are all out for the evening, you hurriedly edit those two photos Scott sent, empty your wardrobe of all your “out-out” clothes into a duffel bag, throw in whatever toiletries and cosmetics you can find and make your way over there.

Scott, Anna and Ralph are nowhere to be found, at first, but Grace assures you that they’re simply helping him “look the part”. You’re more worried about checking in with Ralph, seeing if he’s overwhelmed at all, and most importantly, making sure he hasn’t blown his cover.

Grace is more than happy to help you pick out your outfit for the night, while Connor’s input remains a constant and totally helpful series of grunts without even looking up from his phone. Grace helps you get your face and hair ready, too, though not without scolding Connor for not participating either way, despite his constant rebuttals that he is taking care of “the most important thing”. You quickly shoot him a text thanking him for helping to take Ralph off your hands for an afternoon, and reassuring him you’ll buy him a drink to show your appreciation. The absolute wordsmith that he is, Connor sends a thumbs-up emoji in response.

There’s a ring at the doorbell, which even Grace is puzzled at. That fills you with a sense of concern, too - if Grace isn’t expecting someone at her door, who could it be? Connor seems pretty confident at going to open it, though, and you see why when he eventually shows up with the pizzas that he clearly ordered. “You didn’t have to be so cryptic about it!” You shake your head at him as you make sure everyone has drinks made up as well.

Scott’s head pokes out of a door to ask, “Everything okay? Who was at the door?” You and Connor both point to the food and Scott grins, “Ah, nice! Right on time! Okay, folks, are you ready to meet The New Ralph?”

The three of you clap and cheer as Scott and Anna make a big show of revealing Ralph, and thankfully you weren’t holding any of the glasses you were making drinks in, or you’d have surely dropped them. Wearing a dark fitted polo, very well-fitting jeans and some crisp new Adidas trainers, Ralph stands between your friends, looking around at the three of you. When he catches your eye, he only makes very fleeting eye contact before looking your own outfit up and down and then hastily looking back at the others. He rubs at the tops of his ears - you can’t quite see from this distance, but you wonder if he’s blushing, and whether he’s doing it over everyone’s reaction, or just yours.

You set everyone’s drinks up around the living room, deliberately seating you and Ralph together. “I wasn’t sure what kind of fancy-schmancy drinks you’re used to, and none of us exactly have champagne on tap, but I thought you might like a martini?” You say to him as he takes his seat on the sofa next to you.

Ralph’s eyes light up. “I do rather enjoy a martini!”

“That’s my guy!” Connor cheers from his corner, raising a slice of pizza in a toast of sorts. Ralph tentatively takes a slice and does the same, but you hurriedly follow it up by grabbing a plate and holding it beneath Ralph’s slice for him.

“Don’t want to ruin your nice outfit before you’ve even been seen out in it, do you?” You fuss, and Ralph nods, taking the plate from you and holding it directly under his chin as he eats, which makes you laugh. He could literally look like anyone in the world, but little mannerisms like that will always tell you that that’s your Ralph.

When he’s had enough to eat, you take the plate from him to take it out to the kitchen, though Grace is quick to whip it out of your hands, too. That’s when you notice the plate seems to have moved something underneath the collar of Ralph’s shirt. You move it aside slightly and, with all the might of keeping any kind of flustering behaviour at bay, you ask, “Is that a neck chain you’re wearing?” Is this what manifesting is?

“Yes! Do you like it?” Ralph scoops it out into view with his finger. “Just a plain one, but Anna said it really brought the whole outfit together, didn’t you?” He asks her excitedly, and she nods back.

“She’s got a good eye, that one,” you grin. “You look so good, Ralph.”

“As do you,” he mutters, gesturing quickly to your outfit. “I see what you mean about dressing to the nines, now. It’s nice to see this side of you, too. All of you, really,” he stammers, looking around.

“Right, last minute hair and make-up touches and then I want photos of all of us!” Grace announces.

Ralph’s face falls as he asks you quietly, “Would you like to teach me how to take them, since I’m not good at being in them?”

“Don’t be silly,” you nudge him. “We’ll get some good ones of you tonight, trust me. And if you wanna see a bad photo, wait until you see the atrocities this lot take by the end of the night.”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. We’ll prepare a slideshow of your finest moments for him, shall we?” Scott retorts, to both yours and Ralph’s laughter.

“Maybe we should save that for a special occasion. A birthday, perhaps?” Ralph asks with amusement.

“Yes, Ralph!” Connor and Scott cheer in unison, both slapping his shoulders excitedly as you gasp in mock offence.

“The betrayal!” You can’t actually be mad at Ralph, though, not with how good he looks when he’s this happy. It’s even more captivating in person.

You shake your head as you go to make sure you’re all freshened up after your meal. You can’t keep thinking these things when you’re sober, or else who knows how that’ll manifest when you’re less so.

Your friends all love learning how to get Ralph distracted enough that he doesn’t even realise half the time that his photo is being taken. Scott, being the photography setup genius that he is, even gets his phone out, sets it on a timer, and manages to get Ralph laughing while looking at the camera, in the middle of the group, all while successfully running into the shot himself. Everyone’s in love with that photo, even Ralph, and when Scott sends it in the group chat, you promise him you’ll print one for the flat, and an extra one just for his room. 

“What about the other ones that everyone else took?” Ralph asks. “Could I get those ones on my phone, too?”

“I’ll do that tomorrow. Ooh, speaking of! Before we go! Gimme, gimme,” you make a grabby hand at Ralph, who eventually takes the hint that you want his phone as he hands it to you. You send over the two edited shots - and that’s all - and, on his phone, successfully upload them:

“No caption?” Anna asks, looking over your shoulder.

“Well, it’d look a bit dodge if he’s tweeting to ask his phone to stop changing his words for him, but then he’s a total whiz at Instagram, wouldn’t it?” You explain, to everyone’s agreement.

Finally, you’re all piled into an Uber and on your way to your favourite bar. It’s in the car, cramped between you and the door, that Ralph realises something in a panic. Frantically tapping your arm, he whispers, “Won’t they ask me to prove I’m of age to drink there?”

You shake your head. “Don’t sweat it. The staff know us like the backs of their hands, they’ll trust us that we’re not bringing in some teenager. Besides, you look far less baby-faced now,” you wrestle your arm out enough to ruffle the beard he’s starting to grow with your fingertips. “So we’ll be fine. Promise.”

Ralph, too, wrangles a hand out to hold his little finger towards you. “Promise?”

With a small laugh, you link your own with his. “Yes, but less of that around the people we have to convince that you’re not a kid, okay?” Ralph nods with a very serious expression, and you copy him before settling back into conversation with your friends.

It takes a few bats of the group’s eyelids and some convincing c’mon, mates but the bouncer soon lets Ralph in with you all, to which he enthusiastically thanks them over and over again. You hurriedly rush him in ahead of you before he arouses too much suspicion.

Connor makes a point of letting Ralph know where the toilets are, and Ralph immediately disappears off into that direction. You ask the boys if one of them should make sure he’s okay getting there, but everyone scolds you for fussing over him too much and moves you along with the rest of them to order everyone’s drinks. You want to hold onto Ralph’s for him but, as Scott reminds you, it’s safer for him to, so that you can look after your own. Just in case.

Soon enough, as with every night out, the group starts to scatter. Scott is happily chatting between Connor and a girl you don’t recognise, most likely playing wingman. You can spot Anna and Grace in amidst a small group of people whose heads are turned away from you. Still no sign of Ralph for a while. Ringing his phone does nothing, but the music is quite loud, he might not be able to hear. The bar is small enough, you tell yourself. He’ll find you eventually.

As you’re craning your head around the bar one more time, you don’t realise anyone is in your immediate vicinity until you almost trip over someone behind you. They catch you with a, “Whoa, easy there! How many have you had?!”

“Barely any, that’s the scary thing!” You laugh.

The man smiles at you. “Sounds like I ought to buy you one then, eh?”

You shrug, “Sure, what’s a free drink?” You gesture that you’ll walk up to the bar with him and order your drink. He tries to make small conversation, and you start to get into it a little, until he starts trying to flirt. He’s not exactly your type, anyway, and his total lack of game really doesn’t help matters. You try and get away with a simple thank you, a promise that you’ll find him later to buy him one back but you really must get back to your friends.

“Ah, what’s the rush? Surely it’s easier for them to come and find you if we stay here, right?” He asks. You look around desperately, trying with all your might to use some of that manifesting power you seemed to have earlier to will one of the boys back, both to rescue you and salvage Ralph.

~~~

Ralph was having quite the experience. Having heard the other boys talk of the bathroom, he assumed that was a prompt for everyone to go, but only once he could see the door to it did Ralph turn around and realise he was completely on his own. Suddenly, the atmosphere changes. What seemed dimly lit now appears almost pitch black. There are lights of all colours shining everywhere. Music that doesn’t quite sound like music thumps in the background. Twenty conversations happening around him turn into white noise, until someone approaches him. A total stranger. Two of them, actually.

 “Alright, mate? Do me a favour?” One asks, despite Ralph’s expression clearly being one that should let anyone know that he is in no position to be giving out any favours. They continue anyway, “Look, I have to draw something, and you have to guess what it is, okay?” Ralph, still bewildered, does not respond in the slightest, but before he knows it, the other person has turned around so that their back can be used as a surface. The original asker now splays a napkin of sorts against their friend’s back as they try and draw something.

Ralph tries his absolute hardest, but as no amount of squinting and focusing can help him, he tells them, “Oh bother, I’m terribly sorry, chaps, I’m honestly trying but I’m really coming up trumps, I do apologise.”

They give him looks of confusion and concern. “Are you on something?”

“Why does everybody assume that of me, just because I’m ever so slightly more well spoken than the average resident here?!” Ralph complains with a frown. “Can this not just be how I talk?”

“Oh my days, you’re a right laugh,” the other grins. “Here, come and do a shot with us, you have to!”

“I- Do I?” Ralph asks, and they nod. “Well, I really should get back to my friends -”

“Oh, c’mon, one shot and we’ll help you find them. Deal?” They ask.

“Well… Alright,” Ralph sighs in defeat. If he can’t find you, he can at least find a constant to anchor onto in the meantime.

“Oi, lads!” The two call out as they approach the table they’re leading Ralph to. “Time out on that game for a minute, we’re doing shots with this legend!” They both look at Ralph expectantly, waiting for him to introduce himself.

“Oh! Yes! Hello, everyone. My name is Ralph. Fabulous to meet you all,” he smiles as he looks around the table.

“Isn’t he sick?!” The artist of the pair grins at his friends.

“Quite the picture of health, actually,” Ralph retorts with a side glance.

“Oh, isn’t he a cutie,” a girl coos from the table. The other of the pair starts to clench his jaw.

“Oi, come off it,” another comforts from around the table. “Any bloke that uses the word fabulous isn’t exactly stealing your girlfriend, is he.”

Ralph’s not even sure how to answer to that, but he isn’t given much time to, either, before being whisked away to the bar with this new group. They hand him a tiny glass filled with clear liquid. Ralph wonders if a shot is perhaps some sort of palate cleanser, a mouthful of water between drinks.

The fiery sensation that travels down his throat as he drinks teaches him that it certainly is not. But once the unpleasantness clears, the strange comfort of alcohol starts to fill Ralph with warmth. It’s certainly happening a lot faster than he’s used to, but then these drinks are far stronger than Ralph’s usual tastes.

Briefly forgetting his own arrangement, he returns from the bar with his new acquaintances - and another martini in hand - and sits back at the table with them as they continue playing their game. It’s played on one of their phones. Someone taps through prompts and reads them aloud. Sometimes it’s challenging a player to do something themselves, sometimes it’s challenging them to approach a stranger, as they had done with Ralph. Sometimes it’s asking them completely arbitrary questions to vote upon amongst the group. They all certainly seem to be having a great time playing, anyway.

Once they declare a round over, they ask Ralph if he wants to join in the next one. “Oh, I’m rather… Old-fashioned, I don’t think I’d be a good fit for this, but I’m sure my friends would love it! Shall I go and find them?”

“More the merrier,” one shrugs.

Ralph excitedly jumps up and starts patrolling the bar to find a familiar face amongst the crowd. He’s yet to see any at all, until one makes his heart drop. He sees you, in the arms of another man. Ralph had really been priding himself on repressing his feelings around you. He wasn’t going to repeat what happened with Lauren. He wasn’t going to scare you off too soon. He was going to keep it to himself. He had tried so hard. And yet, this sight is truly unbearable.

Biting at his quivering lower lip, he storms back into the direction of the bathrooms and keeps going, shoving the first door he finds open as he tries not to cry.

His sorrow is quickly replaced with horror as he finds several women all standing in various places around the room. Some just standing and chatting, some calling to friends in the stalls, some checking themselves in the mirror. After the scene finally sets in for Ralph, he lets out an ultimately high-pitched shriek, swivels around and immediately starts scolding himself. “Oh, bother and blast! Please, forgive me, girls, oh, what an absolute cad I am, I’ve truly disgraced myself, just when it couldn’t get any worse!” His voice gets shakier with every word, and he flinches when a hand appears on his shoulder.

“Sorry!” One of the girls apologises hurriedly. “I just wanted to let you know it’s okay. Are you alright?”

“Please do not ask me if I have taken any sort of drug just because I am well-spoken!” Ralph half-cries, and the hand squeezes him comfortingly.

“We won’t, promise. Did you need a wee, or just a wind down?”

“I’m not sure, I just… Ran. I’m terribly sorry,” Ralph sighs.

“It’s fine,” the voice reassures. “Wanna turn around and talk to us? I promise, there’s no better therapy than a night in the girls’ loos. Right?” A chorus of agreement fills the room.

Ralph slowly turns around to see an awful lot of smiling faces. He sniffs harshly and nods, “Good evening.”

“Hi!” The one who had approached him smiles. “I’m Lauren!” 

Of all the names! “L-Lauren?” Ralph practically squeaks out as he feels himself start to well up, and her own face falls in some kind of realisation as she shakes her head. 

“Or Loz! Just call me Loz! All my friends do! Forget the other name entirely. Sound good?”

Ralph nods. “I’m Ralph. A pleasure to meet you, despite it being under my most horrific actions.”

The other girls introduce themselves, as well. “So, Ralph, this, uh… Girl With The Forbidden Name, is she why you’re all upset?”

“Is she?” One pipes up from the very back. “Because you point her out and I’ll sort her out, no holds barred.”

“See, this is what I tell you, you get like two vodka red bulls down you and you’re ready to throw hands at any inconvenience,” her friend groans next to her. Ralph very quickly taps the square with the bird on it and types a message out to ask the internet “why do people throw hands at each other”, quickly followed by “what sort of hands do people throw”. He decides he’ll check people’s answers later, so as not to appear rude.

“Look at him, though!” The more hot-headed one gestures to Ralph as he wipes away the tears that had been threatening to fall. “Look at those eyes! Like melted chocolate, they are. What kinda sadist would possibly make that happen?!”

“Oh, it’s nothing, it’s all futile,” Ralph shakes his head, but his new friend Loz points at him.

“Oi. Nothing’s futile here. This is a safe space. Let it out.”

Ralph starts to explain that he had fallen for a Lauren, dove in headfirst, had his heart broken and vowed not to let it happen again, but that seeing the housemate he cared so deeply for in the arms of another just brought all of that sadness back up again. The girls are all very sympathetic, and very good at knowing exactly what to say to make Ralph feel better. The rather boisterous one keeps trying to speak negatively of you, but Ralph won’t have any of that. You’re your own person, and it’s up to Ralph to get over his own feelings. The girls commend him on his emotional maturity. Apparently not a lot of men have that.

They ask if he wants to talk it through with you, but he shakes his head, telling them that he isn’t certain how long it is before he can go home again, and so he doesn’t want to commit to anything or risk either staying with you with such an emotionally charged elephant in the room at all times, or being turfed out indefinitely.

"That's quite the predicament you've got yourself in, Ralphie, babes," Loz hugs him arm, and he allows himself the comfort of leaning against her.

Suddenly, a stall door swings open violently, and a whole new girl appears, holding her phone up to her face. Before anyone else can ask if she's okay, she gasps loudly, "I bloody knew it!"

Everyone looks at her quizzically, including Ralph, and she continues. "Well, I thought, guy called Ralph who sounds really old-fashioned, I wonder if… And then some of the things he's said kind of sounded like those tweets, have any of you seen that Ralph On Twitter guy?"

A few more gasps of realisation dot about the room. Ralph's ears turn pink as he recognises the word Twitter from the conversation you’d had with the other four this morning. Loz frowns, "Are you sure it's -"

"Is this your insta?" She turns her phone around to show Ralph her screen. It says Instagram on the top, so Ralph takes out his phone and presses the square that also says that, showing it around to see if that's right. Excitedly, all the girls crowd around to make sure they get Ralph's handle right so they can follow him.

One girl - Ralph's already lost track of them, honestly - announces, "So what I'm hearing is, girls' room photoshoot with Ralph from Twitter?!"

Ralph laughs nervously, "Oh goodness, I'm flattered, but those are all taken candidly, would you believe! I am certainly no poser, I have been told this enough times today already."

"Bollocks to that!" The loud one shouts. "We'll teach you how, won't we, girls?"

Before Ralph knows it, he's squatting amongst all his new friends who are trying to teach him how to do the smoulder look he was doing in his photo on purpose when the main door opens to reveal you standing there, looking absolutely bewildered. "Oh my god, Ralph! You're okay! Thank fuck for that!"

As you frantically update the group chat that you’ve found Ralph safe and well, Loz reaches for his hand to squeeze it. The loud girl starts to tense up behind him but Loz waves her down from behind his back. “Yeah, he’s just been having some drunk girl therapy,” she explains calmly.

“God, I could do with some of that right now,” you groan. “Honestly, you trip and fall onto a guy one time and he thinks you’re soulmates, it’s horrendous!”

Ralph’s face lights up all of a sudden. “You’d… You’d fallen on him?” Concern falls back onto his expression. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, physically, I’m fine, but I don’t know how I’m going to mentally recover from listening to one man talk about himself so much,” you groan into your hands as you hold your face. “I forgot why I stopped dating in London.” You notice that one of the girls puts her arm down after having held her phone up at a particular angle. “Oh my god, wait, you guys were taking photos together?” A few of them nod. “Would you like me to take them for you? Rather than one of you trying to fit everyone in at arm’s length.”

“Oh my god, would you?” one of them sighs with relief.

You nod, gesturing to Ralph to hand you his phone again.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the presence of so many other people in the photo with him, but Ralph blends in so much more naturally in the photos you take now, even when you suggest different poses and expressions. One of them - Ralph quickly introduces her as Loz, and no other name - asks around for phone numbers of the girls that, you assume, had all just met and bonded over whatever Ralph was in here for. You take over the role of adding everyone’s numbers into Ralph’s phone, and see that Loz adds him to a group chat that she names “Ralphie’s Angels”. You laugh at the name, and send all the photos you’ve taken into the group chat.

“Right, I can feel myself sobering up now, and we can’t have that,” one of them calls out, making the rest of you laugh. “Shall we all go and face the music?”

You pull a face, “Ugh, that means I have to go back and face… Him.”

“Nah, you stick with us, hun,” the one who seemed hostile with you at first suddenly seems to be fighting your corner now. “He even looks in your direction when I’m around, I’ll make him wish he didn’t.” You give her a comforted smile in response and the whole horde starts making its way out of the bathroom.

Your friends also catch up with you at the bar, grateful to see Ralph’s face again, too. Grace is hanging off some new guy’s arm, Anna is half-present in the whole conversation but also half-texting somebody, and Scott is catching up with Ralph. You spot that Connor isn’t talking to anyone and head over to him, “What are you drinking?” you ask loudly over all the music. “I still owe you, remember!”

Connor shakes his head, “Nah, don’t sweat it. Ralph’s a good’un, it was no bother.” Speak of the devil, Ralph excitedly hands you and Connor drinks that one of his new friends insists on buying for everyone, then grabs his own glass from Scott who’s followed him to clink against yours and Connor’s before hurriedly rejoining his group. You and your friends laugh in unison before Connor downs his martini, gives you a quick hug and heads home for the night. Grace and her new friend are the next to leave - you never did catch his name, and you’re not sure you’ll have a reason to remember it anyway.

You dismiss Anna and Scott, telling them that Ralph will probably be a while yet, and that they don’t have to wait up for him just because you do. At first they insist on staying with you, but eventually tiredness consumes them both and they bid you goodnight.

As though preying from afar - because that’s most likely what he was doing - your admirer from earlier appears as soon as your friends are out of the door. “Well, well, we meet again.”

Your eyes narrow as you groan out a breath. “Yeah, hi -”

“I can’t believe your friends would leave you alone like that,” he shakes his head.

“Oh, they haven’t, I’m still waiting on -” Your knight in 21st century armour, Ralph, walks over to the pair of you. “Ah, there he is! Are we going home now?”

“Would you like to?” Ralph asks, concern in his eyes, and you nod with fervour. “Then yes!”

The other man pulls a face. “Wait, sorry, you’re going home with - who the fuck is this?!” He gestures at Ralph, a nasty expression on his face.

Thankfully, Ralph’s cavalry come to your defence, led by none other than an incredibly loud, “Oi, dickhead! Who the fuck are you?! Fucking look at my friend like that again, see what happens, yeah?” Despite being perhaps half a foot shorter, Ralph’s most fiery friend easily squares up against him.

You tap her shoulder in thanks, take Ralph’s hand and guide him out of the bar. The cool air outside hits your face, but the alcohol in your system acts as a blanket around the rest of you. “You good?” You ask Ralph, and he nods. “Good. I’ll call for an Uber.”

Ralph frowns, “But aren’t those taxis, parked up over there?”

“Well remembered! Yeah, but a drunk girl once told me that those charge extra for all the time they’ve spent sitting there, and I’ve never felt bougie enough to spend the money to find out if it is true, so I like to play it safe.” You book an Uber that says it’s four minutes away and sit on the edge of the path. Ralph joins you. “Sorry we lost you, earlier, by the way. I did keep trying to look for you.”

“Pah! My own fault, really. I got all frazzled, you know,” Ralph’s eyes widen as he gestures wildly, making you laugh. “I still feel a tad so now!”

“It helps to kind of start resting your head for a bit. Here,” you pat your shoulder and Ralph takes the hint, tucking himself inwards to rest his head on your shoulder. Yours head falls onto his instinctively, and you set your phone to the front camera. You see Ralph’s small, contented smile, quickly plaster one of your own on and snap a photo.

Ralph then frowns, “Oh, no! I wasn’t prepared!”

“Exactly. Look,” you say fondly as you show him the photo. Both of you looking happy and comfortable, despite some bumps in the road. A perfectly normal first night out for Ralph.

“Can you put that one on my phone too, please?” he asks sleepily.

Reluctantly, you push his head away from you. “Yes, but c’mon, sleepyhead. We still have to get home.”

Ralph doesn’t make it the whole journey home, his head once again flopping against yours in the back seat of the taxi as he sleeps. You manage to prod him awake once you’re back outside your block of flats, though, and he trudges along behind you into the lift and along the hallway until you’re back in the safety of the flat again. “Gimme a minute to grab some PJs for the night, yeah?” 

“Of course. I think I should use the bathroom properly now,” he nods.

You pull a face, “Yeah, the fact you’ve gone the whole night without it is honestly impressive!” You hear Ralph chuckle under his breath as you go back into your room, blindly head to your pyjama drawer, take out the first top and bottoms that you can feel, regardless of whether or not they match, and head back into the front room, opting to duck beneath the kitchen counter to change.

Ralph re-emerges a few minutes later, his voice drawling wearily as he asks, “Would you like the bed for tonight? I can’t imagine the morning should be pleasant for either of us.”

You walk over to him and put your hand on his shoulder as you chuckle, “It’ll be fine. You probably need it more than I do, that was probably heavier than what you’re used to.”

“I had a shot tonight, you know,” Ralph tells you with intrigue.

Your eyebrows shoot up, “Oh, yeah? And how did that go for you?”

“Absolutely awful,” he replies simply, pulling a face of disgust, and you both laugh.

“Yeah, you’ll definitely need the bed, then,” you nod. “Did you have a good time, though?”

“Oh, most certainly!” he grins. “I’ve made so many new friends! And I really rather think I’ve made a good impression on your friends, as well.”

“You know they’re your friends too, right?” you ask, cocking your head. Ralph tries to wave you off, and you pull a face of disbelief. “Come off it, they love you! I bet you had a great time with them earlier, didn’t you?”

“Oh, yes, absolutely! Um, but… I did… Um… It wasn’t quite the same without your presence there,” he mumbles.

You frown, “Did you say anything about your past?”

“Oh, no, that never came up! Just… Oh, ignore me, I’m dreadfully tired,” Ralph rubs his face wearily.

“Yeah, you’ll be thanking me for the greasy-ass breakfast I’ll be making us in the morning, so get ready for that,” you grin at him before pulling him in for a goodnight hug. He may smell like a fragrance store with all the proximity he’s had to several perfumed people, but there’s still something comforting about being able to bury your face into his shoulder and taking a deep breath in. Ralph’s arms tighten around you as you do so, as he allows himself the luxury of squeezing his eyes shut and just enjoying the moment.

You eventually pull away with a yawn, “Alright, I think we’re both about to fall asleep standing up, so… Night, Ralph.”

“Y-yes. Of course. Goodnight. Pleasant dreams,” Ralph smiles awkwardly at you before walking quickly to the bedroom.

You set yourself up on the sofa and start looking through the day’s photos. Ralph’s little instagram photoshoot doesn’t feel like it was only this morning, and you can’t help but let yourself fall into the trap of looking at the photo of him laughing again. Shaking your head again, as though that’ll do anything at this point, you scroll through to the photo of all six of you in Grace’s house and set it as your lock screen. You keep scrolling through hurriedly to your other favourite photo of the night, and, while it may be a little delusional, you set the photo of the two of you at the end of the night as your home screen. You’re used to being into people who you can’t have, be it from their disinterest or other reasons, so what’s the harm in indulging yourself a little by imagining a world where the two of you could always be like that?

That’s what Ralph tells himself too as he stares at the photo on his own phone screen until the need for sleep finally takes over.

next chapter

[e-m-christina]

PAROXYSM - Billy Hargrove

CHAPTER ONE : The Cassette Tape

Summary: It's the summer of '85 and Y/n Hopper has a new job at the newly opened Star-Court Mall. When Dustin's radio picks up a Russian transmission, she leads a small group comprised of herself, Dustin, sassy Erica and an unwilling Billy Hargrove to uncover the secrets hiding within Hawkins.

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Reader

Warnings/Tags: Enemies to lovers, cursing

Requested by @hargrove-stan I hope you enjoy!

Important A/N: Steve and Billy switch places in this story - Billy works at Scoops Ahoy and Steve works at the pool. Billy knows about the Upsidedown, The Lab, Eleven etc.

Find future chapters on my MASTERLIST

“Damn machine,” Y/n muttered, kicking the ice-cream mixer. In the month that she had been working at Scoops Ahoy, the ice-cream mixer refused to work for her. Every morning she had to beat it until it chugged to life.

“Would you hurry up with that?” A curly blond head poked through the window in the wall. “I have a queue forming here.”

“This shitty heap of junk isn’t working again,” Y/n said, giving the machine one last kick.

“Well make it work! There are like ten people waiting out here and I’m out of ice cream.” Billy said, glancing over his shoulder at the apparent line.

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” Y/n said, bashing the side of the machine with her fist.

“Jesus Christ,” Billy sighed, disappearing from the window before bursting through the kitchen door. “I’ll get this to work. You go deal with the customers.”

“I can do it myself!” Y/n protested but Billy shoved her out the way. She watched with a scowl as he inspected the mixer and with one slap of his hand, the machine buzzed to life and began to mix the sweet liquid cream.

“You’ve gotta be joking,” Y/n crossed her arms. “If you let me kick it one more time, it would’ve worked for me too.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Doll.” Billy shoved his ice-cream scooper into her hand. “Your turn to deal with the customers.”

Y/n groaned and turned on her heel. Working with Billy was unbearable - all he ever did was complain, flirt and intentionally provoke her.

“Hey, Hargrove, there is no queue!” Y/n shouted, coming to a halt in the empty shop.

“I know, I just wanted you out there so I could have my break,” Billy yelled back.

“Asshole,” Y/n muttered, chucking the scoop on the counter with a clang.

“I heard that!”

Just when Y/n was going to march right back into the kitchen, someone coughed behind her.

“Welcome to Scoops Ahoy, what can I-” Y/n paused when her eyes landed on a familiar mop of curly brown hair. “Henderson!”

“The one and only!” Dustin laughed.

“You’re back!” Y/n hopped over the counter with a grin.

"Yeah, I am! And you got the job!"

“I did get the job.” Y/n laughed, waving her hands in a frenzy as she attempted to perform the secret handshake.

"You always get it wrong," Dustin rolled his eyes, making Y/n laugh.

“How many children are you friends with?” A voice broke through their celebration. Billy was leaning on the counter beside Y/n, with a cocked brow.

“Unfortunately, Billy works here too.”

--

“You have a girlfriend? That’s amazing!” Y/n said, taking a seat beside Dustin in one of the booths.

“And you want to know the best part? She doesn’t care that my pearly whites are still coming in. She says kissing is better without teeth anyway.”

“Wow, um...that’s great!” Y/n said, though she would have rathered not knowing the extra information about Suzie's preference in kissing. “Proud of you man!”

“Mhm,” Dustin shovelled a spoonful of banana-split sundae into his mouth. “Do you really get to eat as much of this as you want?”

“Yeah, though it’s not a great idea for me. Gotta keep in shape for the admirers.” Y/n chuckled with a wink.

“Yeah? And how is that working out for you?” Billy smirked from the counter.

“Ignore him.” Y/n sighed.

“I remember he helped us kill those demodogs last year. He seems cool.”

“He’s not.” Y/n shook her head. “So, where are the other knuckleheads?”

“They ditched me yesterday,” Dustin said with a locked jaw.

“What? For real?" Y/n couldn't believe her ears - she thought he was good friends with the group.

“First day back as well, can you believe that shit?”

“Damn, I'm sorry about that. You can always hang with me though!" Y/n awkwardly patted Dustin's shoulder.

"I wouldn't, she's really annoying." Y/n's head whipped around again.

"Stop eavesdropping, Hargrove!" She hissed, but Billy only shook his head and disappeared into the kitchen with an irksome grin.

“They are gonna regret it big time though when they don’t get to share in my glory.” Dustin stabbed the ice scream violently with his spoon.

“Glory?" Y/n asked. "What glory?”

“So last night I was trying to get in contact with Suzie, and err..”

"Continue?" Y/n said, raising an eyebrow as she watched Dustin swivel around in his seat, looking for a potential eavesdropper, before mumbling something into his hand.

"I didn't catch that," Y/n said.

"I said," Dustin mumbled something inaudible into his hand again. 'What the hell was wrong with that boy?' Y/n thought.

“Just speak louder,”

“I intercepted a secret Russian communication!” Dustin burst out and Y/n jumped back.

“Oh jeez...yeah that is what I thought you said,” Y/n said, trying to act casual because multiple people had directed their attention to Dustin's outburst. She waited a few moments for the information process before frowning. “Wait, what does that mean?”

“It means Y/n, that we could be heroes. True American heroes.” Dustin said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Huh, American heroes?” Y/n shuffled closer. She still had no clue what the boy was talking about but she just went with it. That was something she learned over the last two years - don't question the kids and just go with it. They probably know more.

“Just think, you could have all the men and women you want and more.” Dustin waved his hands, gazing into the distance.

“I like the sound of that," Y/n chuckled. "What’s the catch?”

“None, I just need your help.”

“With what?” Y/n asked, watching as Dustin unzipped his school bag and pulled out a tattered red book.

“Translation.”

---

Y/n chomped down on a banana as she paced the kitchen. She and Dustin had been replaying the recording of the transmission for over an hour, yet they had come to no conclusions.

“So, what do you think?” Dustin asked for the millionth time.

“It sounded familiar,” Y/n said with closed eyes as she rubbed her temples.

“Yeah, because it's been on repeat for an hour!"

“No, no," Y/n shook her head. "The music. The music in the background at the end is familiar.”

“Why are you listening to the music, Y/n!” Dustin said exasperatedly. “Listen to the Russian, we are translating the Russian!”

“I’m trying to listen to the Russian but the music playing in the-”

“Alright, babysitting time is over. You need to get out there” Billy swung the kitchen door open with a bang. "I can't deal with that brat, Erica. She keeps asking for tasters."

“We are doing something very important here,” Dustin said, shoving the translation book under the table to hide it from Billy's view.

“Tell me, Toothless, how do you know these Russians are up to no good?” Billy asked, whipping out a cigarette.

“How does he know about the Russians? Did you tell him about the Russians?” Dustin whispered, glancing at Y/n.

“No, did you?” Y/n whispered back.

“I’m standing right here," Billy puffed on the cigarette with an annoyed expression. “I'm not deaf, I overheard your conversation and that fucking annoying cassette tape. Obviously, you don't know that Russian has a different alphabet, so you and Toothless can't translate it."

“How the hell do you know that?” Y/n asked, completely shocked - that was possibly the most intelligent thing she had ever heard leave Billy's lips.

“Had to take Russian classes back in California. Now let me listen.” Billy took a seat opposite Dustin.

“Why would we let you listen?” Dustin asked, clutching the cassette tape close to his chest.

“Because I might be able to help?”

“Why would you want to help us?” Y/n asked, folding her arms.

“I am bored as shit here and I have nothing better to do." Billy groaned, leaning back in his seat. "Unless you'd be willing to entertain me, Y/n?"

Y/n rolled her eyes with a disgusted look, but opted to ignore his last comment.

“Can we trust him?” Dustin asked, completely oblivious to Billy's insinuation.

“Are you forgetting that I saved both your asses from those demon pigs last year? Of course you can trust me.” Billy said, waving his hands.

“Demodogs, not demon pigs." Dustin corrected.

“Whatever, Toothless, my point still stands."

“He might be the only one who can help,” Y/n bit her lip. She didn't like the idea of Billy joining them, but he was probably the only one that knew any Russian out of everyone they knew. Besides, he had proved he could be helpful before right?

---

Y/n was in the middle of piling colourful sprinkles on a customer's order when the window to the kitchen slid open.

“Psst, we got the first sentence.” Billy whispered.

“Oh seriously?” Y/n placed the tub of sprinkles down before rushing over to the window.

“The week is long,” Billy drawled out in what Y/n guessed was a terrible Russian accent.

“Well, that’s thrilling.” Y/n said, rolling her eyes.

“It’s progress. How does it feel that I am more helpful than you, Doll?”

“Oh shove off Hargrove, and stop calling me that-"

Before she could finish her sentence, Billy slid the window shut with a smirk.

---

“The week is long, the silver cat feeds when blue meets yellow in the west.” Y/n muttered to herself, locking the parlour door. “That just can’t be right, it makes no sense.”

“Honestly, I think it is great news.” Dustin grinned, rocking back on his feet as Billy and Y/n pulled down the security door.

“How is that great news? It is total nonsense. I'm not sure why I even tried to help." Billy muttered, dropping a burnt-out cigarette butt on the marble tiles.

"It must be a super-secret spy code,” Dustin said, as they slowly began their journey to the exit. Most of the shops had closed and lay in darkness, so their only light source came from the occasional neon sign or from the security lights.

“Sounds like bullshit," Billy said, pulling off his work hat.

“He might be right.” Y/n said, gazing into the huge mall windows.

“What? You're buying into this too?" Billy asked. "It's probably some messed-up channel that Toothless hacked into."

"After last year, I’d believe anything," Y/n said with a shrug. "Besides, if hypothetically that we have discovered an evil Russian channel, they aren't going to say 'send the nuke at noon.' They'd speak in spy-code, just like Dustin said."

"S'pose you're right there." Billy mumbled. "But you still sound fucking insane."

Y/n didn't reply. Something caught her attention and she stopped walking, pausing in front of a single horse carousel.

“Y/n, what are you doing?” Dustin asked as she began scrabbling around in the pockets of her sailor work clothes.

“Quarter, I need a quarter!" Y/n said. If she was right about this...

“Are you sure you are tall enough for that ride, Doll?” Billy mocked.

“Shove off, Hargrove," Y/n said, snatching a quarter from Dustin's hand before shoving it into the coin slot. Slowly but surely the horse began to move.

“You need help getting up on it?" Billy asked, making Dustin laugh.

“Shh! Would you two just shut up and listen?” Y/n hissed, pointing to the carousel. After a few moments, Dustin's face lit up.

“Holy shit, the music,” Dustin exclaimed, scrambling to pull out his cassette tape.

“I don’t understand.” Billy said with a raised brow.

“Of course you don’t.” Y/n muttered and Dustin hit play on the recording.

“It is the same music at the end of the tape! Y/n was right, this is why it sounds familiar!” Dustin said.

“Maybe they have horses like that in Russia?" Billy asked, still not entirely convinced.

“Indiana Flyer? I don’t think so.” Y/n shook her head. “The secret code didn’t come from Russia... it came from here.”

---

Thanks for reading! Comment if you want to be tagged in the next parts. Requests are open!

[cal-puddies]

Fetish for My Love // Calum Hood

big shouts to @kindahoping4forever for both the graphic and being her amazing self! I know she is struggling rn but she was there every step of the way while I formulated this idea and wrote it. It took me less than 24 hours because I was so inspired by this thirst trap of a man over the last week.

fun note: the working title was "why's cal gotta sit like that tho"

Warnings: deep throating, oral stimulation on a guy, manual stimulation on a girl, light dirty talk, smut, consensual filming of a sexual act.

Word Count: 2901

Cass & Crystal’s Masterlist

Let us  know  what  you  think!

You’re focusing on applying false lashes with a flurry of girls moving around you, getting dressed, giggling, applying makeup, there’s music lowly in the background so you all could catch up over it. You smirk widely when you hear Wildflower start and you melt a little when you hear Cal’s voice; A voice you’re very familiar with and was just whispering in your ear mere hours ago.

“Wait! Isn’t this…?” One of your friends starts to ask, and before you can answer, your best friend pipes in with “Yep!”

As if on queue, a text from Cal pops up, fit check! Lemme hype my girl

You roll your eyes but snap a quick mirror pic with your bestie and send it.

What a beaut! Have fun tonight, let me know if you need picked up.

You send him back a little heart and then go about your business.

It’s barely midnight and you and the girls are a couple drinks and a shot or two in when you check your phone. Cal’s texted you a couple times, just some random ramblings about his night, nothing important, but you text him back, how’re my boys?

You watch the bubble pop up a couple times but no response. Then you get a picture of Duke on his back next to Cal, and then another one of Cal sitting on the edge of his bed facing the mirror. He’s wearing his green flannel that's slightly open at the top, a white beanie and a pair of black pants. You bite your lip looking at him, because even if he doesn’t mean it, the picture is screaming come over and suck me off. And that sounds a lot better than being in the club right now. You could really go for Calum’s fingers tangled in your hair. The next picture you get is his black pants balled up on the ground, and for a finale, he’s holding his cock through his boxers. You chew your lip more and send off a couple hearts and a flirty slow night then? before chugging the rest of your drink.

You find your best friend in line at the bathroom, “Hey, i gotta go. My head is pounding.” you scrunch up one side of your face.

“NO! Boo!! We never get to hang anymore.” she pouts, throwing her arms around you.

“Maybe next time we hang we can go somewhere quieter?” you laugh, “We can’t even talk!”

“Ok fair! I’m sorry your head hurts… go home and get some rest… text me though, the whole uber ride.” she demands and you nod and wave her off.

You keep your promise though, and text her about nothing the whole way to Cal’s, which isn’t technically your home but felt a lot more like it these days. You let yourself in using your key and find him and Duke in his room. He’s still in the beanie, flannel and black boxer briefs and you chuckle at him, lounging on the bed.

“Hey!” he grins, holding his arms out for you. You kick off your shoes on your way to his bed and grin at him, laying yourself on him, “I wasn’t expecting you tonight.”

You lean in for a kiss, “Oh sure, you send pictures like those and you weren’t expecting me to come over?”

“Of Duke being so cuddly? You’re right, that was a dick move.” he grins. “I really did want you to have a good night with the girls.” he says earnestly.

“I know, and I did… now I wanna see about making this dick,” you grab his length through his underwear, “move,” you wink up at him and then let go, pushing yourself up to straddle him, he rests his hands on your ass and squeezes, and you reach up to yank the beanie off his head. You toss it to the side and grab his hair, pulling his head to expose his neck for you.

He moans, “Oh… didn’t know it’d have this affect on you.” he murmurs, letting his head tilt further back to expose more skin for you.

You continue down his neck, undoing a couple more buttons so you can get more of his chest exposed, you leave open mouth kisses across the expanse of his collarbone, shoulder to shoulder. You slowly kiss lower, over his pecs, letting your tongue dance across his tan skin and black ink. You stop at his right nipple first, you flatten your tongue against it, licking over it, you swirl your tongue over it, Cal holds your hips tighter and he thrusts up against you, showing you appreciation for what you’re doing. His back arches hard and high when you show his left nipple the same treatment.

Your lips move further down over his ribs, and stomach. You gently bite around his belly button and place soft kisses over the little mark you leave. When you get to the waistband, you sit yourself up and slide your hand between the band and his skin, stretching it and running your hand back and forth.  “Come sit on the edge of the bed for me.” You whisper, voice heavy with desire. Cal moves quickly, barely giving you time to get up yourself. He plops a pillow on the floor between the bed and the mirror, he goes to pull the flannel off, “leave it on baby.” You encourage and he doesn’t question it. He pulls your top off, and pulls you in for a kiss, you drop to your knees and start kissing up his thighs as you situate yourself.

You dip your hand into his waistband and grab his stiff cock, your lips press wet kisses over the fabric and he lets out a breathy “please,” above you. You stop teasing, finally pulling his underwear off, freeing his cock, he diligently steps out of them and you gently push at his hips to get him to sit. “God damn.” He murmurs, tucking your hair behind your ear. You grin up at him and he cups your face, leaning in for a kiss while you gently stroke him. You push the shirt open over his thighs so it doesn’t get in the way and then you lean in, pushing his cock up against his belly, and licking a spitty, wet stripe up the underside and along his most sensitive veins. “Oh…” he moans, and starts to wrap his hand in your hair, pulling it off your neck and up. You pull his cock down and start placing spitty, wet kisses along the slides, slicking him up. You take the tip in your mouth, flick your tongue over his slit and Cal groans and pulls your head off, a string of spit is still connected to his cock and he breathes in sharply… “Baby?” he starts to ask a question but stops. You grip into this thigh and give him a slight nod, not wanting to break the spit string but also to give him permission for whatever he wants. He reaches for his phone and wiggles it at you a little and you give another confirmation for him. “Let me get you like this… for those lonely nights on the road,” he explains.

You grin, nodding. He gives you a curious look and you lean back in, taking his cock back in your mouth, lavishing your tongue around the tip, working up extra spit, you wait for Cal to record and you pull back, the string of spit is thicker, more visible, he nods at you when he’s got what he wants and you slurp and go back to work, slicking up his cock. Cal takes a little initiative when you wrap your lips back around his cock and gently forces himself further in your mouth. You don’t give any resistance and you suck on his cock when he stops, and then you push yourself further on it, holding yourself with the tip at the back of your throat.

Cal’s breathing heavy above you, mewling out your name and little praises. He pulls you off when tears start running down your face and there’s spit dribbling from your chin. He grabs his phone and quickly snaps another picture, his nostrils flare as you stick out your tongue and grab the base, tapping his sensitive tip on your lips and tongue, you push his cock up against his belly and place sloppy kisses along the underside again, reaching his balls and sucking one into your mouth. Cal’s grip tightens in your hair and you know you want to make it last for him, so you decide to slow it down, taking the time to really show his balls some love. You suck the other into your mouth, you let go of his cock in favor of digging your nails into his thighs like he likes. He moans out for you, “darlin, we’re about to be making a movie.”

You pull off with a pop, “yeah, baby… if that’s what you want… better make it a good one though.” You wink. You grab his cock and sit up a little more so your mouth is slightly above his cock, so you can get an assist from gravity in spreading the spit, once he’s fully slick, head of his cock red and leaking pre cum, you run the tip along you lips and the move back, looking up with innocent eyes, “can you stand?”

Cal gets up quick, and he shifts you, so instead of the mirror being behind you, it’s to the side of you both. You grin up at him and bite his thigh. “Thank you.” You murmur, soothing the bite with your tongue.

He gathers your hair back in his hand and his phone is pointed down at you, “Thank you,” he emphasizes.

You decide to play it up for the camera and grab his cock, licking his tip, “you taste so good handsome.” You moan, taking his cock back in your mouth. You turn your head pushing it into your cheek and then straighten your mouth back on his cock. You work your mouth down his cock, bobbing your head to work him further. You pull off and feel Cal’s grip tighten, hear the change in his breathing. He’s trying so hard not to do too much. “Baby… go ahead… fuck my throat.” You bite your lip.

“I will…” he agrees, “want you to watch.” He nods toward the mirror.

“Of course.” You lick your lips, eyes flicking from his to the cock in front of you, the one that caused your mouth to water just from the mere thought of getting it, so red and angry, you kiss the tip and Cal groans. You open your mouth and you slowly work him into your throat. Once Cal senses you're comfortable he gives you a few test thrusts. He watches your eyes go from him to the mirror, and then he really amps it up.

You can feel Cal pushing his cock into your throat with a force unlike any he’d used on you before, his one hand holding your head still, you can feel your hair being pulled, and you’re loving every second of the way he’s using you. You flick your eyes up to him and camera, and he moans. You look back over at the mirror, you can see the bulge of his cock in your own throat and you try to moan, but it’s of course muffled by his cock, “good girl… good girl,” He breathes, “so hot.”

You have spit all over your chest and face, tears rolling down your cheeks and you’re hanging onto his thick thighs, when Cal pulls out, you sputter, more spit going down the front of you. You grab his cock and start stroking while catching your breath, Cal gets so vocal, you know exactly what’s happening, you open your mouth, tap the tip on your tongue again and then tighten your grip to milk his cock, you keep your mouth open, but don’t bother directing his cock as the hot cum spurts across your face and tits. Thick rope after thick rope coating your skin, rewarding you for your effort. You suckle the tip to get every last drop, and then you look up and open your mouth showing off the rest of the cum you milked from his cock.

You let Cal move his phone closer to your face, so the light will catch the glint of the cum on your skin, and he can see it in your mouth. He tosses his phone to the bed and gets on his knees in front of you, his fingers rub your center over your jeans and you squeal as his tongue diligently cleans the cum from your chest and face. He stops every few licks to kiss you, pushing the cum into your mouth as he does.

“I know you have to be soaked, Darlin.” He murmurs as you moan into his mouth. He tugs your jeans down, and you help him peel them off of you. He keeps you on your knees but he shifts you again, this time, facing the mirror. He works quickly to set up his phone to face the mirror and record. He sits behind you, sticking his legs through yours so they are over your calves, you can rest on his thighs and pulls you into a kiss as he pulls your body against his.

You desperately want his fingers back but he’s clearly got something in mind. You see the camera getting all of this in the mirror, and you whine, “please Cal… need you.” He smirks and kisses your shoulder, pulling the cups of your bra down as well, palming your breasts, pinching your nipples.

“I'd never leave you without for doing something like that.” He promises, kissing your cheek, his hands smooth over your bare belly and both grip a thigh before he moves your panties to the side with one hand, and his fingers start circling your clit with the other. “You look so good on your knees.” He whispers in your ear. “Look at yourself… see how wet you are… how wet sucking my cock made you.” He nibbles your ear, you tuck one hand into his hair and your other hand reaches down and spreads your lips, giving more of a show for Cal’s intended use of the video.

You lean into him, trying to angle your hips more. You moan as he finally pushes his fingers inside, giving you a bit of stretch, and reaching for that spot that drives you wild. “Oh… Cal.” You whimper.

“So ready from having my cock in your throat? Or did the video really push it for you? I could tell you were enjoying it.” He murmurs, pressing his lips against your neck and the back of your shoulder. “I knew you had to be getting wet from it, but I didn’t realize how wet.” He takes a deep breath, he stays quiet while working his fingers, and you whine and pant his name, trying hard to work your hips against his fingers. “Relax Darlin… I’ll get you there. Like I always do.” He promises, placing more kisses to your skin.

You’re body is on fire, it’s the only way you can describe it, you can feel Cal all over you; even though you’re all clean, it’s like his cum seared your skin in the best ways, his hands are large and warm and covering you, exploring your body, like he’s never felt you before. You love it, love that you can feel him everywhere. But most importantly, he’s against you, inside you, pleasing you.

“Cal…” you whine, a breathy moan coming out, “please baby…” you pull his head for a kiss.

“Feel how wet your cunt is with me…” he asks, pressing his face against your skin, he pulls his fingers out and you let him guide your fingers on next to his. His other hand comes up to palm your breast, knowing it’s exactly what you needed to cum. Between that, the stretch of his and your fingers, and the way he’s curling them inside you, it only takes about a minute for you to orgasm hard. Your chest heaves and Cal pulls his fingers out but keeps rubbing your clit, you pull him in for a desperate kiss, but you’re panting so hard you can’t close your mouth, Cal makes due, sucking your bottom lip, trying to soothe you but gently running his other hand over your body.

He lets you go when you finally stop shaking in his arms, you push your own cum covered fingers in your mouth and turn into him, wrapping yourself around him. He wraps his arms tight around you and moves you both to the bed easily, “Glad you came to hang out with me tonight.” He murmurs, kissing your cheek.

“Glad you’re a fuckin thirst trap.” You chuckle, kissing his nose. He lets out a hearty laugh, and wraps you back in his arms, rocking you a bit. “Can I wear the flannel to bed?”

“Of course you can Darlin, let’s get you settled.” Cal very lovingly helps you get changed and ready for bed before crawling in with you, “night baby.” He whispers, pulling you into his body. You press a kiss to his chest and hum.

[y0itsbri]

hiii!!! It's not me!!

🤽

Oh, rude! what was that?😧

That was ur sign to go drink some water 👊

I wanna knowwww your answers to....

Robin 🎺, Chrissy 📣, and Jonathan 📷

anon!!! chugging soooo much water rn it’s not even funny 💦🔫🌊💧🐟

🎺: (What piece of media secured your sexuality early on?) suddenly every piece of media has been erased from my brain. OMG. hannah hart on youtube! i was convinced i could pull her even though i was like 14. we could also list like every other fixation i’ve had on random influencers but i think this is a solid one LOL.

📣: (Describe your favorite or most iconic outfit.) big shirt big pants! comfy. tie dye!!! been obsessed w it for years. that’s the ideal outfit (i say wearing tie dye pajama pants right now and an oversized tie dye t shirt in my queue for tomorrow)

📷 : (Describe your top three favorite pictures on your camera roll right now.) oooh babes my camera roll contains tens of thousands 💀 okay lemme go scrollin. i really love the photos of me and my friends from high school — swimming, sleepovers, out to eat, dances, photoshoots. nostalgia for the past is treasured in photographs.

[anothertimdrakestan]

Batfam On A Road Trip HC

req: “Batfam on a road trip? It’s been on my mind for like a week-”

oh god it’s probably so chaotic... and like distinctly dangerous???

also this is my car AU where there’s infinite rows of seats in the car until I’m done.

we’ve got Bruce driving - even though Damian, Dick, Tim, Jason, AND Steph all tried to get behind the wheel but after last years incident the only people allowed to drive are Bruce and Duke but Duke doesn’t like driving with his siblings bouncing off the damn walls.

Speaking of Duke, mans snagged himself a window seat SO FAST it would make your head spin. He likes to sit next to Damian (who got put in the middle because he’s the smallest) and they share earbuds and Duke’s phone which is loaded with like 128 hours of songs. Against popular belief, Damian is actually good at sharing when it’s not with one of his more “obnoxious” siblings and he and Duke get along really well - they also have the same music taste. Duke changes between queue-ing songs, staring out the window making little stories in his head, and watching Damian draw. He occasionally is tasked with holding the sharp objects smuggled into the car after they’re discovered by Bruce as he’s the second most responsible (after Cass).

Speaking of the most responsible sibling, Cass somehow got shotgun next to Bruce. This is because she’s the only who makes him not want to throw himself out of the car and she’s a pretty good navigator. So, as she tries to moderate the back of the car she also is in charge of agreeing on pit stops and coffee breaks which works well because Cass is fair and no one can be an asshole to her. On the first road trip Cass discovered a Wendy’s Frosty and now she will usually write at least one Wendy’s stop into the trip - no one complains except Tim who is forbidden from ordering the spicy nuggets after last years incident.

Tim, the one notorious for threatening to throw himself out of the car most often, is sat in the far back. He someone gets a row to himself under the guise of “sleeping” when in reality he spends the trip typing away on his laptop, chugging monster energy drinks, and occasionally trying to make Dick bark like a dog through some kind of sleep-manipulation he read about one night at 2am. It involves him whispering in his ear and usually ends up making the whole car uncomfortable, except Jason who thinks it’s the funniest shit ever. However, after the incident his back seat gets thoroughly checked by Bruce for stowaways every pitstop, but he’d never store a secret in the same place twice...

We move to Jason! Who sits next to Steph. They’re the snack distributors. Known for throwing popcorn in the other’s mouths but it usually ends up being thrown at Bruce, Damian, or both. Jason is a champ at fruit roll up eating competitions. He claims it’s because his tongue is so strong from eating... nevermind. Jason is surprisingly organized about the snacks, and frequently restocks (with Bruce’s credit card of course) on pit stops. Jason likes to complain early into the trip but by the end he’s telling the most fun stories, singing the loudest, and causing the most trouble. His and Steph’s row is definitely the most fun. But he’s still on the list with Bruce after helping Tim become a world class smuggler during the trip that shall not be named.

Steph is the family interpreter. She shares messages from the back to the front and vice versa. She’s known for saying the back row is hungry when it was in fact her but everyone loves her for her honesty. She’s the first to ask for a leg stretch break, and the one who puts on good songs after Dick has had the aux for too long. She’s basically the lorax of the batfam road trip. She usually makes the snack packs that are distributed throughout the car and is known for memorizing everyone’s favorites to optimize the best snacks. Steph actually wasn’t in the car for the great incident, she often questions what happened but only knows what Dick quietly whispered to her, something about feeding nuggets to a foreign passenger...

Dick, the storyteller, the terrible-music-meister, the road trip organizer himself, sits on the other side of Damian. He was the one who purposefully cleared everyone’s schedule for the weekend and who roughly planned the route. Dick works closely with Cass to make sure they’re going the right way and he also mediates all fights that occur during the trip, and trust that there are a lot. Dick is known for being restless and often throws his head out the window on the freeway “just to feel something” his quote not mine. Dick is incharge of taking all dangerous items off Damian (and sometimes Tim’s) person before the trip and he was in the most trouble when the intruders were found during last years incident. But he took it with stride and promised Bruce this year would be better!

Damian, the deeply unhappy middle seater, can be found drawing and pretending he can’t hear Grayson blabbing on about “this crazy adventure he had as Robin so sooo long ago”. Damian is known for pouting through the first stop but after he’s had some quiet time he can actually be seen with the corners of his mouth upturned- especially if they drive past farms during the trip (Cass tries extra hard to make sure they do). Damian also had been known to try to run away during stops so he’s kind of heavily watched by Bruce and Dick. Luckily, his place in the middle seat means he’s far enough away from Tim to be “bothered by his mere presence” which is a significant win and close enough to Duke and Cass to keep him sane.

We are in fact missing two main people: Babs and Alfred. These two opt to stay home, getting the much deserved break they need. They like to have tea parties, cleaning extravaganzas, and (though they won’t admit it) the occasional dance break in the batcave when no one’s looking. They like to take the batmobile to get food and their guilty pleasure is watching rom-coms on the giant screen in the batcave while eating “trashy takeaways” as Alfred so eloquently calls them. These two have the best time, but if anyone asks they were simple awaiting the rest of their families return.

That’s how I think it’d go down! Overall I think it would be chaotic but not as bad as one might think, they are family after all : )

Oh wait, I forget, there are two more stowaways...

Bart and Kon are silent, Kon mostly flies above but occasionally slips into the trunk to rest with Bart. Bart easily slips into the trunk and is quite literally gone in a flash if Bruce ever suspects anything. Just because Tim can’t hand feed him nuggets doesn’t mean the boy isn’t read for road trip part two! He just hopes Kon made a flying stop at tacobell because he’s getting kinda hungry...

“Timmmm are we there yet?”

“DID I JUST HEAR WHAT I THINK I DID TIM”

“oh my god I finally experienced the great incident but now part two!”

“hi Steph! Yeah I’m here! Sorry Brucie, but yeah, can you pass me a twizzler?”

“HOW DID YOU DO THIS AGAIN TIM I SWEAR TO-”

yup, now that’s a batfam road trip : )