#guess what? it took another 15 years to get diagnosed

[gregmarriage]

watching videos of myself as a child be like ‘baby girl, you are so autistic and you don’t even know.’

[novadreii]

something i don't talk a lot about on here are my chronic pain/illness problems. i guess because i try not to think about it more than i already do, and it's probably the biggest present source of anxiety for me.

when i entered my 30s a couple of years ago, after a particularly stressful year after about 10+ of them, my physical health declined pretty quickly. my hair fell out, i gained weight, my perfect eyesight suddenly wasn't one day, i had constant fatigue and brain fog. i waited out healthcare timelines and was diagnosed with the beginning stages of an autoimmune thyroid disorder right before i moved across the country and got on another waitlist. in this time i managed to improve a lot of the symptoms with lifestyle factors.

i spent the next year researching everything i could about autoimmunity and its triggers, and also about things that could improve my condition while i waited. i tried all kinds of foods and supplements, but unfortunately, stress is pretty much my number one trigger and i was in a very toxic relationship with someone who seemed determined to maximize the amount i experienced on a daily basis. i took too long to leave (6 months since the onset of the neglect, but this person had been triggering me with their unavailability for basically the entire 2ish years).

i remember fearing i'd go to sleep and never wake up from the constant chest pain my anxiety was causing me, and that was my cue to end things. but it was too late health wise--I'd already spent months crying every night and trying to control the shaky, cold sweat anxiety that accompanied me almost every minute of every day.

this basically triggered a huge flare of my illness that had added fun new symptoms (arthritis in my hands, inner ear pain, and constant, all-day muscle spasms and eye twitches. fun!). i am once again, on a waitlist, because i moved back home and had to go to the back of the line :) i have spent all summer trying to regain the progress i had made before my personal drama happened. eating right, moving my body, avoiding stressful endeavours like the plague, processing trauma in therapy head on so it doesn't fester, sleeping for the first time in probably a year and overall just resting for probably the first time since i was 15 lol. my job is a blessing because it's remote, stupid easy and relaxed, allowing me the kind of work life balance where i can heal myself while earning a living. i've complained about my job a lot, but the universe sent it to me because it knew i needed something flexible to accommodate the freakshow my life would soon become.

this is basically what i work on in therapy these days. the surrender needed to know i am doing all i can, and right now all i can do is continue to take care of myself and wait. and it's okay. i will likely see yet another patronizing mandoctor in a couple of months, and i won't be in a flare then so i won't feel so terrible, and i will finally get the meds that will help me feel normal again, what i haven't felt for coming on 5 years. it's out of my control right now, but that's not a bad thing because it's going to be okay anyways.

this process has truly helped me not identify so hard with my body. i need to stop fighting it (while taking the best care of myself as i can) and accept that it's gonna do what it wants to do. but above all, i cannot be so pressed about it because that's the one thing that makes it worse above all else. i have learned to ignore/live with a certain amount of pain; it's not always at a 9 or 10, but it spikes there sometimes but averages out to 4-6 on a daily basis. just enough to be distracting, annoying, and prohibitive of certain activities (begging my brother to do dishes because it physically hurts to use my hands. also can't cook which is a rare thing that brings me joy). i will have to ice my wrist after this. but again, i'm in a flare so it will let up eventually. and in that time i just have to let things be. a concept that was foreign to me this time last year.

[studywgabi]

Dr. Cinnamon Roll, M. D., Ph.D., NCSP, LMHC

Well, I've seen it all: one-sided crushes, flings, situationships, horror stories, heartbreak, love, love triangles, and all the messy, hard-to-define ways of knowing someone in between. Rude to the waiter, rude to my friends, rude to my parents, rude to themselves, rude to me. Peter Pan, Madonna-whore, Oedipus, God, hero, inferiority, superiority, Napoleon, and savior complexes. The liars, the cheaters, the fuckboys, the gaslighters, the jerks, the assholes, the players, the closeted gay guys, the short kings, the golden retrievers, the bad boys, the mistakes, the phases, the ones who were jealous, insecure, clingy, possessive, and/or unavailable, the ones that got away, and the soulmates. Oh, and, just in case it wasn't clear, I was referring to ex-therapists, not boyfriends.

I guess I'm a little bit of a therapy hussy; I've burned through five therapists in as many years. Here's a tour of them, along with some honorable mentions:

Dr. #1: Took my therapy flower.

I wasn't too jazzed about seeing her at first. My parents were forcing me to go after my friends' parents had eavesdropped on a conversation between my friend and me and narced.

As cliché as it is, we just...drifted apart (deep sigh). We broke up after a year when I came back from spending 2 months away from home because her private practice wasn't covered by my insurance. It had been okay for a while but wasn't sustainable. I learned a lot from her, but I didn't really want to be in therapy at that age and I didn't feel like I could be honest with her about the way I really felt about myself without her feeling obligated to tell my parents what I said, which I really didn't want to have happen to me again.

She diagnosed me with dysthymia, generalized and social anxiety, O.C.D., and suspected I might have PCOS (she was right). You never forget your first.

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Dr. Chucklefuck: The school counselor for last names H-K, another unintended, unanticipated, unwelcome, and shit-on-a-cracker result of that 1 conversation with my friend. This fuck carrot, who had a doctorate, certification, and 15 years' experience in school psychology told me, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," inspiring much emo poetry. If any cock lemurs who don't know anything about the permanence of your situation have said anything like this entirely untrue and insensitive statement to you, I am so, so sorry. Please don't believe them. You deserved so much better.

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Dr. Pushy: Insisted I have my camera on during our zoom meetings, after I repeatedly told her I was more comfortable with it off and felt it would be easier to talk honestly. She diagnosed with me body dysmorphic disorder. Plenty of fish in the sea.

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Dr. Heartbreak: Shattered me. She was my first love, my high school sweetheart, my prom date, my ride-or-die, my steady gal. We were together for all 4 years.

I was having a rough go of it: failing classes, missing so many days of school I might not have graduated, and barely able to leave my house. I was seeing her twice a week, but things just kept getting worse and worse for me. There was no structure to our meetings, no plan for treatment and no goals. I would bring up an issue and she would just tell me the first advice that popped into her head. I would tell her that I couldn't see the point of getting out of bed, and she would recommend putting on some good music first thing in the morning. She was kind and she wanted the best for me, but she couldn't tell me anything I couldn't have googled myself. I had wanted to see a different therapist for a while, but my parents didn't want me to have to start over and build up a relationship with someone new.

I knew something else was going on, something beyond my previous diagnoses of depression and anxiety. I had been meeting with a professional twice a week for 4 years, but it was watching tiktoks, 30-second videos filmed by random children on shaky, blurry iPhone cameras that made me suspect I had autism. I felt more understood in those videos, where such niche, specific experiences from life were described by a stranger so impossibly similarly I thought they must be talking about me and not themselves. Dr. Heartbreak gave me a months-long evaluation, during which time she forgot to bring the papers she needed to the office with her, forgot to send me the results for several weeks, made multiple errors on the final report, and I failed 2 more classes. I was then that I found out I had not only autism but ADHD and an eating disorder, too late.

After the evaluation, I started looking on my own for other therapists, and talking to my pediatrician about ADHD medication. Dr. Heartbreak told me next time she had a new patient, she would immediately start them with a comprehensive evaluation. "What about me?" I thought.

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Dr. Rebound: A one-night stand and my first experience getting back out there after the big heartbreak. Rodney Dangerfield must have been her fashion icon, because she wore a very loosely-tied bathrobe to our one and only zoom meeting, which was unfortuitously scheduled at the same time as her three cats' yodeling jam session. {From what I gathered, there's a feline Yoko Ono, and more drama then Fleetwood Mac had during Rumors. I give the band maybe another six months (in cat time) before the lead yodeler tragically O.D.'s at 27 like all the great artists before him.} You know what they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under the copay plan of someone else.

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Dr. Cinnamon Roll: Love and savior of my life. The suicide hotline set us up on a blind date. After 5 long years of searching, of "I'm not really looking for anything serious right now" or "I still hang out with my ex-girlfriend, that's cool, right?" or "I'm allergic to latex," just as I was ready to give up, all of a sudden, the smoke cleared, the crowd parted, and I saw her. Love at first sight! A bolt straight to the prefrontal cortex! And we lived happily ever after.

Everything she tells me is something I need to hear 10 years ago. She has this incredible way of verbalizing what I've been trying to tell her but just don't have the words for, of summing up my whole life in one sentence. I struggled to connect with every therapist I had before her because they were all so far removed from anything I had experienced as middle-aged, married with 2.5 children, white women. She's only 26, just 8 years older than me, and biracial like I am. You really do a feel a difference with the right therapist. You realize just how wrong the wrong ones were.

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Dr. Cup of Chamomile Tea: Basically the Dr. Garth Fisher of pediatrics. She's the most sought-after, highly-reviewed pediatrician in the state, but remembers the smallest details about every single one of her many patients. She has a lovely, soothing lullaby for a voice and makes Mother Teresa look like a total bitch. She diagnosed me with PCOS.

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Dr. Feelbad: A medication-management referral from Dr. Chamomile. Prescribed me unwellbutrin, then prozac efron, then lexacon, then zoloft (sorry, I don't have a pun for that one, ooh, wait, crossing the sertraline!). She's a trooper, putting up with my bad puns and my treatment-resistant depression.

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Dr. Meanie-Face (Dermatologist): What can I say about this doctor that is complimentary? Oh, the bathroom right outside her office is a good place to cry. She's got that going for her.

She spent my first appointment talking about how she was bullied in middle school because her parents could only afford to buy her 1 pair of bright-yellow, too-small pants. This story was related to my skin, but I don't remember how.

She prescribed a miracle: spironolactone. She said this medication would make me lose a significant amount of weight, take me up a cup size, permanently cure my acne and my hirsutism to the point where I wouldn't need to shave at all, and make the hair on my head grow noticeably thicker, faster and longer. After all, she took spironolactone herself and that's what happened for her! I couldn't believe this pill was even legal and that she was just giving it to me, just like that! Imagine, in a couple months' time, I would be free.

When I came back for my follow-up with none of those results, she completely changed her tune and said spironolactone might have a small effect on all or some or none of those features. When I told her I was still losing quite a bit of hair, she said I wasn't, and joked that even if I was, my dad (who is bald) and I could just go on Rogaine together. When I told her spironolactone hadn't helped my hirsutism at all and that I still had to spend four hours getting ready every morning, she said it absolutely should not take me that long, because she remove all her hair in 3 minutes. She sympathized, saying she "knows how hairy you guys are," ("you guys" referring to Latinx people) because she had so many Latina friends growing up.

When I came back for my third follow-up visit (I know) and told her I had only used the cream she prescribed once because it made my skin peel, she said that was a very common side effect, but explained how the peeling was actually a good thing, because every time my skin cracked and broke off of my face like an extremely painful cheese danish, my acne scars would come off with it. Said peeling would also reveal beautiful, youthful, Freddy Kreugeresque skin and prevent wrinkles. I was 14.

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Dr.s Chatty Cathy and Son (Dentists): I imagine the final (50% of your grade) in the toughest, most brutal weed-out class that causes at least half the students each semester to run out of the room in tears in dental school is a presentation on saying the most asinine things while you're wrist-deep in someone's mouth like, "you're going to {Name of College} next year, huh? That's where we send all the hippies," or "so, guess how old I am." (I didn't guess, but he told me anyway and said he thinks he still looks pretty good for 64, then sung The Beatles song to me and recited a story about Paul McCartney's childhood taken directly from his Wikipedia page.)

That's the elder Dr. Chatty Cathy. I always hope I get Dr. Son, he leaves me alone for the most part and just gossips with the tooth nurse (dental hygienist) about her brother's two-timing girlfriend and time in prison. Maybe they're under the impression the sunglasses they give me double as ear plugs, or maybe they just don't care what someone with a cavity thinks of them (fair).

[rctrouvailles]

( madelyn cline, she/her, ciswoman ) i’m pretty sure i just ran into amelie petit! you know them, they’re the 25 year old ballet dancer that’s been here for 25 years. they can be pretty witty, but on the d.l., they’re also indecisive. i have their ringtone set as rake by sufjan stevens in my cell. next time you’re around manhattan, tell them to give me a call! ( jennifer, 26, she/they, est )

born and raised in manhattan, it has always been amelie and her mother, camille. she never knew or met her father, and if she ever found the courage to ask about him, it would usually be met with hostility. he left-- that's all she could gather, maybe he was there for the first year or two,

back in the day, camille had aspirations to be a ballet dancer but due to lack of resources (money) and the fact that her pregnancy was unplanned, nothing really panned ou the way she wanted it to.

it was interesting growing up with her because if you'd ask amelie, she felt as if her own mother didn't like her. on her worst days, one could use the word 'hate', but that was for another conversation. while that was a growing suspicion, camille did see potential in her daughter to do what she couldn't. maybe that was the reason why.

amelie loved dancing, it was an escape for her. it came very naturally and when her mother had stated she was going to train her to be a ballet dancer, she was excited. it was easy to see it as camille finally trying to engage or spend time with her daughter, but it wasn't like that at all.

camille wanted amelie to be great, no matter what it took. she would take her to multiple studios and berate her daughter in front of man, many people and it wasn't any better at home. there was a lot of yelling, a lot of cussing, manipulation and if she was angry enough, throw something at her. intimidation was key and tenderness was just something amelie did not experience.

she booked her first gig after auditioning at 15, the same year her mother had taken her out of school without consulting her and she also couldn't tell you the last time she'd seen her friends from school. amelie had to guess it was for the best since her career had skyrocketed after her first show, but the more successful she was, the grueling her mother became. she could never be good enough, it was always do better.

then camille was diagnosed with als, a lot was a blur during that time. amelie helped as much as she could, there was a nurse to assist whenever she had a show to do but things didn't get any easier. they got worse, quick, it was 2003 and she was at her mother's wake and has been on a hiatus for about a year since then

she feels frozen, almost paralyzed. she doesn't know who she is or what to do, everything has taken a toll on her. there was no way to exist without her mother's voice ringing in her ear --- but she's going to try.

[heymiaj]

Vegan Cheese Cause You Suppose Too??

It’s thanks giving and I just got done watching yet another inspirational YouTube video about becoming a full-time writer. For those that have followed me anywhere or known me personally, you know that one of my lifelong dreams is becoming the next Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Octavia Butler and most recently Issa Rae. Issa more than anything ! I remember when I first saw ABG (Awkward Black Girl ) for the new Issa fans on Youtube : 

I saw myself so much in that character and always thought that if me and this girl were to ever meet in person we would be best friends ! From there it opened me up to a whole new world of story telling. I found Black & Sexy TV ( no it is not a ebony porn site !) and fell in love with shows like The Number, Chef Julian and my favorite That Guy . I spent much of my college days trying to write a script loosely /tightly based on my shitty ass relationship at the time but for some reason it just never seemed to come out right . I eventually published my first book of poetry in 2016 and I’ve got to say , it was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. 

For the first time ever I was able to call myself a published author and it was everything. A few more life events unfolded since then from having one of the worst mental breakdowns of all time to finally being diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. I felt like my whole world was over and I was somehow broken. Knowing what I know now there are a whole lot of people that deal with this shitty condition and probably take way more meds than I did at the time but my self worth was in the tank. I felt like the only way to make myself happy was to deal with the things that made me feel worthless : 

1. My weight 

2. Money ( or the lack their of ) 

3. Having to work a 9-5 in the first place when I knew I was destine to do something great that included me choosing my life and how my day goes. 

4. Simply just not being able to sustain myself off writing alone. 

I managed to be in the best shape of my life shortly after but I didn't have a job and I was still living with my mother so I figured lets put all out focus on #2. Well  it took 4 long years but I am finally in a place in where I don't have to think twice before I treat myself to a hamburger or a nice pair of boots at Aldo . I finally have my dream apartment in the city and I can finally pay my car note without risking not having a place to live. I’m not working a 9-5 in the traditional since of things but I still haven't managed to get a weekend off. I’m sure if I keep applying I can change that soon , right ? 

I know what your probably thinking why is she complaining and I get it , when you look at my list from all accounts it looks like I’ve crossed everything off my list but , I’m. Still. Not. Happy! Money is flowing but with more money comes responsibility ie:  rent, utilities, groceries ,amenities, I hate my job with every fiber of my being but ...those damn responsibilities. I’m still 15-20 pounds away from my ideal weight but a touch of body dysmorphia and delusion I’ve convinced myself that this vegan cheese was the answer but I could’t be more wrong.

As I quickly swiped my vegan make and cheese back into the garbage I grabbed my phone in search for the cheapest carry-out delivering on thanksgiving day. As I scrolled through the options on Uber eats , I was reminded of a word I assigned myself shortly after my move, Accountability. 

When I looked at all the things I was stressing over I had to ask myself what things need to be held and what things can be set aside or removed completely. 

THINGS WE GOTTA HOLD    vs.  THINGS WE CAN LET GO 

A Job.                                               School 

My Apartment                                   School 

My Car                                   and yes your guessed it ..School! 

 I’ve been pursuing a Masters Degree one class at a time since the end of 2021. Unfortunately as we come closer to the finish line I’ve come to the complete and utter realization that ...I could really give a fuck about a MBA. Between me working odd hours and trying to survive my daily job with out quitting is a task all in itself. These odd hours along with no weekends off had begun to take a toll on me. I was tired of doing the same old hustle and finding no peace or purpose in what I was doing and I need more. We all know my job at this point is something I can’t just let go, I have to be strategic when it comes to the source of my income and bearing through its torture is a must until something better comes around. Though its a drag I have to remind myself that I am able to have my dream space and a vehicle because of it however, when it comes to school I find myself asking every semester , do we need this ?”

Though I can’t deny that this degree will open a lot of doors for me once I achieve it am I willing to keep putting what little time I have for myself into it? At the moment the answer is no but who knows after this hiatus I may see the need again but at this moment I have to honor myself. 

They say go to school cause that’s what your suppose to do but like this vegan cheese I am being honest with myself in stating it’s not for me , and with that I free myself to go out and truly find what that is ! 

#thosedegrees #live #vegancheese #tv #writer 

[coracandy]

So. About that 6th wedding option.

Long post. Not sorry.

Trigger warning for #beemoovnegativity I guess. Probably throw that warning on everything I’ve posted since UL launched and everything I am likely to post for the foreseeable future because I hate beemoov. So much. I hate very nearly all of the writing choices that were made through LL, with everything surrounding Eric taking 2nd place on the worst story choices of the whole game list right behind the student falsely accuses their teacher of sexual assault plot. I just really hate cheating plots. I have also been obliquely accused of hating the Eric fans and I just want to clear up here and now that I only hate some of you. Most of you I am happy for. But man.. some of ya’ll have some utter garbage opinions and I’ve had a couple wine coolers today so I’m ready to no filter on all my own opinions about this whole mess. Click through if you want them.

Starting off.. Yeah, I said it would be funny if the wedding episode ended with Candy cheating on Eric and you know why I said that? Because if your Candy is with Eric in the first place it’s only because your Candy is a cheater. Canonically. In the real story of the real game. Not your fanfic version which we’ll get to in a bit, I promise, but in the actual game as it is actually written, if this is the path you chose then, canonically, your Candy is a cheater. She is selfish. She cares about no one and nothing but herself and what she wants in the moment. And, frankly, it seems like some of the players feel the same. I vividly recall many screen shot posts by Eric fans getting offended that their former love interests were angry about being cheated on. Citing that anger as justification for the cheating even. “This is how they react to the news? Ugh! I’m glad I cheated on them. They deserved it.” And that’s just.. reprehensible. Truly. Ya’ll remind me of beemoov, tbh. Treating someone’s anger at being stabbed in the back as a good enough reason to have stabbed them in the first place and an excuse to never have to apologize or even acknowledge the hurt.

So that’s Camp One of the Eric fans (probably the smallest camp tbh, but still very much one that exists) - the people who acknowledge the cheating aspect of the storyline but think it’s a good thing and yeah, I actually do just hate those people and their attitude. So to those people let me just say - 1) Monogamy isn’t sex negative. You’re ridiculous. 2) This storyline isn’t non-monogamous representation. It’s cheating. Those aren’t the same thing. 3)Betraying someone’s trust is always -always- a selfish, cruel, morally reprehensible thing to do. (And before anyone starts strawmanning at me about but what if that person was abusive - stop. That’s not what we’re talking about here, and you know it.)

So on to Camp Two of the Eric fans -  the drama addicts. The people that took the cheating route just because it was the first interesting thing to happen in the story in about 15 episodes. This is a camp I don’t hate but man oh man do I get frustrated by the way that all media and storytelling panders endlessly to them. This type of fan is the reason I can’t have nice things. The reason I can’t have a simply told story that builds to a narratively satisfying conclusion but instead get ass-pull twist endings that are exciting by dint of being unexpected but make no sense when you stop to think about them for five seconds. They’re the reason I get to be constantly frustrated by slow burn romances that last seven seasons and then end with the characters finally hooking up only for one of them to die two episodes later because happiness and contentment are boring. Heaven forbid a story ever slow down to focus on character development. If no one’s being killed, or cheated on, or getting pregnant without knowing which of three guys the father might be, or getting kidnapped, or diagnosed with a fatal disease, or lying to their best friend then there’s not even a story there. No tension. No drama. Why bother watching? Who wants to see characters being happy? I do. Please. For once. For more than a scene or two before something devastating happens to end it again. Just let me have nice things. For the most part this camp of players seems kinda meh about the idea of a wedding episode and would probably agree with me that Candy cheating on Eric during it would be funny. Feel like a lot of them meme on Eric as best LI because they like watching drama in the fandom as much as in the game. And I do genuinely hope they’re enjoying it while it unfolds. We have polar opposite tastes but I dream of someday living in a world where we can both have our own definition of nice things and both be happy.

And now on to Camp Three -  the people I think this wedding episode is mostly for. This is the camp I have nothing but sympathy for. These are the people who just genuinely liked the character. He simply clicked with them more than the other LIs, was closest to their idealized partner. So they ignore the way he was used in the story, headcanon away the cheating or write in their own version where the breakup happened before the sex scene, or the original LI was abusive, or maybe they were just never in another relationship through LL at all in their version of events. They just really like this character and want to have their Candy get a happy ending with him. And I have sympathy. I do. I would have loved for beemoov to give an option to end up with Eric without being dishonest. But they didn’t. That version of the story is just fanfiction. And it frustrates me when people get so invested in a fanfic version of a character or story that they start insisting the canon version is wrong and that people reacting to the canon version are misinterpreting it. I sympathize. I do. As a Lysander fangirl, I understand very well the emotional attachment one can develop to a character and story you mostly had to invent yourself because the source material never bothered to. But you can’t get offended at people being disappointed or even angry that the cheating route got a happy ending just because your personal fanfic version of the story didn’t include the cheating. The anger really isn’t being directed at you but at the canon story choices you probably also hated. I wish the story had been different for you. I really do. And hey, you all get the last laugh, in the end, as it seems the story is getting whitewashed or retconned or just generally is planning to ignore the ugly parts of what happened to give you the big white wedding of your dreams with your perfect man. And I’m happy for you. We should all have had that chance.

But we won’t. Because beemoov still doesn’t care about a lot of us. That’s where this anger mostly comes from. And it’s why I can’t agree, even slightly, with the people who are pointing to this decision and saying “Look! They’re listening to the players finally. Maybe things will get better.” Because they’re only listening to some players. Some of us have been begging to be heard for years now and they still won’t listen. And they never will. Much as I'd love to be wrong about that, I’m not wrong and you all know it. I’m happy for the people who are happy right now. But I’m warning y’all.. Don’t get comfortable. Don’t ever trust them. They’ll rip your heart out, tell you you should like it, and turn their backs on you forever while you bleed out. Don’t think it can’t happen again. It can, and knowing beemoov, it probably will.

[thecdoore]

[  maxence danet-fauvel  &  he/him &  male  ]  :  my  oh  my,  is  that  THEODOOR LAFITTE  in  bon  temps  ?  what  the  hell  are  they  up  to  hanging  around  BON TEMPS CEMETERY  listening  to  ELECTRIC FEEL  by  MGMT  when  they  should  be  doing  whatever  a  GRAVE DIGGER  does  ?  between  you  and  i,  the  28  year  old  WEREWOLF  is  avoided  for  acting  SNARKY,  but  whenever  they  let  their  EASY GOING  side  shine  through  people  flock  to  them.  i  guess  they're  in  town  because  HE WAS AFRAID OF HURTING SOMEBODY IN HIS HOMETOWN AND WANTED TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE WOULD BE SAFE FROM HIM  .  explains  some  of  it,  though  i  can't  help  but  wonder  if  there's  more  to a HICKEY BARELY BEING HIDDEN, A FIGURE HIDDEN BY THE NIGHT'S SHADOWS  story. 

He was born in a small county in Louisiana to a teenage mother and father weren’t expecting to have a child. Instead of giving him up and restarting their lives without him, the decided to become parents at the young ages of 18 and 19. Things may not have been perfect, by they tried their hardest and by the time Theo was 10 he already had a younger sister and a relatively normal family life.

But growing up he always felt like he couldn’t control his emotions, that they weren’t in his grasp and at the slightest moment he would get angry. He wouldn’t throw hissy fits or tantrums but he’d get frustrated easily, and his parents chalked it up to their son becoming a teenager. 

This only grew worse as he got older and by the time he was 15 he was barely in control. Finally, his parents took him to a psychologist who diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. The constant amount of medications was overwhelming at first - he felt like he was in even less control of his life seeing as missing one day of his medications might lead to him having another breakdown. But as each day passed it became routine and he eventually regained some control over his life.

Ever since then he’s still struggled with anger but not to the point he had been. He had worked hard to stay on the right path but obviously fate had other plans for him. One night, during a full moon, he had drunk too much and wandered into the woods. Sure he shouldn’t drink, it would mess with his meds, but his 26th birthday was right around the corner and he wanted to celebrate. What turned into an okay evening ended up with him waking up in the morning with a bite mark on his shoulder.

He thought he got attacked by some rapid dog, and went to the doctor to get it treated but it healed pretty much instantly to his surprise. Thinking this was something he had just made up, he went on with his life, deciding not to tell anyone of it - that was until he found himself developing new traits. He was more irritable, could hear sounds that weren’t near him, and could smell things that were nowhere to be found.

It wasn’t until the next full moon that he truly realized what happened and he when he woke up the morning after he was terrified. He knew he needed to get away from his family, not wanting to hurt them, but he also didn’t have a reason. Deciding to lie, he told them that there was a good job offer for him in a nearby town and left - only to move farther away to Bon Temps where he’s lived for the past 2 years

He’s a nice guy, he can be a bit of a flirtatious asshole but he really does mean well. He has a lot of sarcasm in his system so that’s something to look out for as well. He also really cares for his family and friends so don’t fuck with them or you’ll be getting this wolf in your face.

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

I see that there’s nobody who has translated the joana clips so here you go :)

EXTRA CLIP 1

TUESDAY 11:15 H

[Joana text: Guess who’s]

J: I wanted to see you so bad! I wanted to see you so bad! So good, so good, so good. How are you, good?

C: What are you doing here? Did they discharge you?

J: Yes, this morning

C: And why didn’t you tell me?

J: Because it’s better this way, right? Right? So good, how beautiful! Beautiful. How are you?

C: Good

J: Yes?

C: Yes! And this?

J: I don’t know why

C: It appeared

J: It appeared. Do you like it? That’s it, finally!

[Hey, I’m Just Like You - Tegan and Sara]

J: Fuck. How I missed being here, dude. In the hospital I went from the sofa to the bed, from the bed to the sofa, from the sofa to the bed, and sometimes, I went a little crazy, to the patio. 

C: Wow. But, you are now here, with me.

J: Beautiful. I really missed you too.

C: Me too. Hey, you always wear it, right?

J: I don’t think I’ve ever taken it off since I got it as a gift, well, “as a gift”. 

C: What’s with that? It sounds like a story. What do you mean “as a gift”?

J: Let’s see… I was at a flea market with some friends and we were looking for, you know, bracelets, t-shirts, that sorta stuff, and suddenly they say me “come on, Joana, pick a necklace you like, we’ll buy it for you” And I was like “okay, great, that one”. And they said “no, no, ask for it, ask for it. When they [the sellers] gave it to me, they [the friends] took my hand, and started running.

C: No!

J: Yeah, I didn’t even realized until we were three blocks away or so

C: So you stole it

J: I didn’t steal anything. I didn’t…

C: You’re just another victim

J: I’m a victim. But… yeah. And also, they didn’t know, but I had just been diagnosed with BPD. And that day, in that moment, was the first time since they diagnosed me that I was happy. I was like, I don’t know, eager to have a good time and all.

C: So it’s a bit like a reminder that.... There’s always good moments in the end, or am I making it up? It’s cool. It’s cute. Can I borrow it?

J: Okay. What are you doing? Madam, what are you doing?

C: Like, the last time we were here you tried to give it to me.

J: And you gave it back, bitch

C: But now’s different, right? Like, if you want I give it back to you, that it was only to tell you that I’m gonna be with you, you know?

J: No, yes, yes. It looks better on you.

C: Okay

J: I love you a lot, dummy

C: I love you more

J: How cute is that necklace, who gave it to you?

C: My girlfriend gave it to me!

J: Your girlfriend? Well…

C: Did you see it?

J: She has a good taste

C: Yeah, in necklaces and in women

[Girl squad group chat:

N: Girl, they’re taking assistance

E: Fuck, the History teacher says Joserra is gonna call the parents

V: That’s bad luck]

C: Fucking shit, girl

J: What’s up? Well… Everything’s bad

C: Everything’s terrible, I’m gonna jump

J: No, no, no, no. Beers? If you jump there won’t be any beers. Beers?

C: Okay, yes, beers

J: Beers yes

C: Let’s drown my sorrows in alcohol

J: Let’s go for beers, let’s go for beers

C: My mother is gonna kill me girl

J: No, how many times have you ditched class?

C: A lot, that’s why

EXTRA CLIP 2

FRIDAY 17:02 H

C: Like, okay, you take assistance, of course, you wanna know who’s in class, but you don’t have to call my parents, fuck, like fucking Joserra. Does it make sense for you? Cause I don’t like what does he get with that? Nothing. Nothing, dude. 

J: Well, well. But, did she get very angry?

C: As always, like “Cristina, this is disappointing, you are throwing this year away, it’s a really important year, the cut score*, Selectividad**, bla bla bla”

J: I’m sorry

C: Hey, it’s cool, no? You could paint one here

J: A mural painting? I mean, it’s cool and all, but i’ve never done a mural painting.

C: Well, there’s always a first time for everything, no? You don’t lose anything for trying

J: I could try

C: Exactly

J: I could try

C: The thing is, now they have me really watched

J: Okay, so what?

C: So, I’m gonna have to study, like, for real

J: Okay, but… we are gonna still see each other or…

C: No, no, yes, like, yes, yes, of course. But, not like these past few days

J: Okay. Okay, I understand you, like, it makes sense, don’t worry about it. 

C: Yeah?

J: Uh-huh.

C: What’s up?

J: Nothing. Nothing.

C: Come on, tell me

J: I don’t know dude, just, maybe… I just came back, and yes, I saw everyone and all, but you are all studying, my parents are working all day, and I don’t know, I wake up in my house and I’m alone all the time and, like, I don’t have anything to do, you know? I don’t know, it’s like, I feel like all this time I was away, I just got stucked, and all of you had gone on with your lives, you know? And I feel a bit out of it. But I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. 

C: No, it doesn matter. I mean, it’s fucking rough, I’m not gonna lie to you. But, it won’t last forever. 

J: God, I hope not. Fuck.

C: If you want we can change places, cause I’ll be the one stuck, all day in the library. Yes?

J: That’s for being a loser, Cristina Soto

C: Hey! Only my mother and Joserra call me Cristina Soto, you still can’t, okay? No, really, look, how many days it will be like this? Not that much, only until EVAU*** is over, and then… I’ll be free. And that means, I’ll be completely yours. 

J: Okay, I see it. Do you promise me?

C: *in English* I promise, I promise, I promise…? *back to Spanish* I mean, it’s obvious I have to study English

J: Go and study!

C: I’m going

J: Go study!

C: Let me finish my bear cause

J: No, no, no, no, you’ll get even dumber, go study!

C: What was that???

J: Beautiful

C: Stupid

J: I love you

C: I love you too

J: Even if you’re stupid, I still love you

C: Hey!

J: No, no. I’m the best! Come on, open your mouth. God!

C: But you pointed it directly into my mouth! Are you ready?

J: Yes

C: With the pen. But?

J: I don’t like it, I don’t like it, it gives me…

C: Joana champion!

* There’s a “cut score” you have to get in Selectividad to get into a specific degree, it varies from university to university, and of course from degree to degree. The lowest cut score is a 5, the highest is a 13, 775 (physics with mathematics). The highest score you can get in Selectividad is a 14.

** The University entrance exams.

*** Another word for Selectividad.

EXTRA CLIP 3 

SATURDAY 22:04 H

[Text:

Mum: Where are you?

Joana: On my way]

[Cute Bitch - Rizha]

[shadow--link]

List of things that I don't get because Ganon sucked as a 'parent' and I hate humans but the list gets more concerning the more you read it

uh tw this is kinda a vent

1: People liking 'toe beans' What is so cool about an animal's feet grippers. and like, I saw them on a fersona and they had human hands..that is very imprracticall..just..why

2: Calling things cute. it fucking makes me sick. I hear it so much I wanna burn something. Like people calling a shirt cute and the shirt is one piece of a cloth that barly covers their breasts. No. It's not cute, it's gross.

3: Sticking your tongue out trying to be cute/sexy The amount of rage that boils inside me when I see someone stick out their tongue is insane. I feel so fucking pissed and I don't know why. I wanna punch them in the face and rip out their tongue then burn it.

4: People that I look up to liking something I know shit about I feel bad that I don't know this thing you really like and I wanna relate with you but if all you talk about is this thing I know nothing about I feel dumb and stupid like I wanna cry and why am I your friend when we have nothing in common..I just feel bad and I hate it and I don't know why.

5: Not knowing 100% of a hyperfixation Like I kinda enjoy the DreamSMP but there's things in it that I don't know..it took me weeks to figure out what o7 meant (it's a salute) and like EVERYONE knew what it was and I didn't and I felt like a fake fan cause I don't know what this thing is and it's CLEARLY IMPORTANT but I don't know what it is cause I joined the fandom late and now I'm the stupid one

6: any word that ends in 'isum' Like... "oh nooo the people that have more meletonin then me are evil" the fuck. Why is that even a thing. "Oh no, person have boobie and coochie. Person stupid. I have penis. I smart." why. Y'all are all Hylians. Just..fucking GAH stAHP with it. It makes no sense. What's so bad about someone being a different colour then you? IT'S A FUCKING COLOUR GUHHHHHH also "oh no man kissed another man the world is gonna end." Why. THey're just kissing. I don't..H

7: I can't remember shit for shit Why is forgetting things a thing. I hate it. SOmetimes I can't remember what my favorite "insert noun here" is! Like someone will ask me "Hey what's your favorite food??" And I don't fucking know! WHY DON'T I FUCKING KNOW?? IT'S mY FAVORITE FOOD! I SHOULD KNOW THESE THINGS! But I don't.. like, I think it's sushi.. but now that I think about it, sushi is kinda gross. So it could be pizza.. but.. ok there's nothing bad about pizza, but..I sound like a dumb little kid saying that..

8: I'm close to being an adult Ganon forced me to grow up from a young age. I don't remember my childhood..probably because I didn't have one. Man, this thouht hurts the most.. I've been forced to mature far before I'm ready..I'm still 15..I'm still a kid...but no, I'm almost 16 and at 16 I HAVE to get a job or I'll just be sitting around the castle like a worthless sack of fleash... and well, I am in a batter situation now, I'm living in the castle with Link and his family.. no longer with abusive Ganon.. but Link's Dad is still scary when he yells...and he expects me to work when I'm 16 and to stop mooching off of him in my mid 20's...but... I don't feel like I'm ready.. I can't function on my own... I really can't...and..I finally worked up the courage to tell Zelda that.. but Link's Dad heard me say that, and he said "So I've failed you? It's my job to prepare you for the outside world!"..or something like that.. it made me feel so upset.. I ran out of the room and fled to my bed to cry, and wanting to die.. I'm not suicidal. I'm scared of death. But in that moment..I really wanted to die.

9: Talking about feelings I never vent. This is like the 3rd time I've vented. Besides in Among Us. hheh, sorry. I couldn't help myself..humor is how I cope with stuff. Guess I now understand why the 'funny friend' in memes is portrayed as sad when alone..cause at the end of the day, that's what I am. Alone. with no one to talk too. Guess that's why I went back to this blog to vent.. Link might see this and talk to me, though. And I know Vio will be talking through him. Just hope he doesn't scold me about putting this on Tumbler lol........what was I saying.. oh right.. talking about feelings is hard for me. When I was young, before Ganon stole me from my homeland, I was always an outcast. The one time I went to school, everyone hated me. Now that I look back, it's probaly cause I have autism and ADHD. Well, I might have them. Not diagnosed yet. But Me and Zelda have done the reasurch. A tone of it. And there's no way I'm nerotypical. But anyway. No one wanted to be my friend when I was a child. Probably why Ganon took me away. I wouldn't be missed. And I wasn't. Only a few remembered who I was when I returned to Lorole after breaking the mirror. I spelled that wrong but don't care. And the friends I made as a kid...I couldn't find them..and any friends I did make...man..I was such an asshole towards. I.. was transphobic towards this one friend...I feel so bad about it. I hate how I used to act. I hate it. I fucking hate it so much I just wanna- no. that's not me anymore. No more killing.

10: The medical system Why do ya gotta wait years to get diagnosed for mental disorders. WHy do you gotta be an adult to get trans uh helping surgery. Why do ya gotta wait till 16 to get on hormone blockers. THEY AIN'T GONNA BLOCK SHIT NO MORE, I ALREADY WENT THROUGH PUBORTY AND IT ENDED AT LIKE 14 FOR ME!... at least my chest is small. I am so greatful that my chest is small and can be hidden in a bif shirt. "bUt ShAdOw LiNk, YoU'rE a BoY" well I'm glad you think that, asshole. SOmetimes, when a Lohian/shadow/shade is born, they're the oppaside of Hylians, right? Well, sometimes the gender is reversed as well..so...Link is male, I was born a female. Hada stupid ass name that sounds like raw-vio lmao. But I didn't like that. So I changed..I.. wanted to be Link, but different.. so I called myself Lync, cause that looks cool. But Ganon was like "No, that sounds like Link, and he's an asshole. Don't call yourself Lync." So he called me Shadow Link.. and well, that's the only thing Ganon has done to me that I don't hate...but now that I think about it, I kinda relate to the Lohian god Loki and wanna call myself that instead. But anyway..when I failed at anything, Ganon would call me by my deadname. I hated it.. when I would win, he would call me Shadow Link. And I started to hate my deadname...now I hate it cause it's too girly. Reminds me of the old old me. I think I got off track. oh well.

this had been a list of shit that pisses me off. There might be more to add to this but I'm sad, it's late, and I don't want Link yelling at me. Goodnight.

[charkyzombicorn]

So, Inko is 41, Shouta is 31, and Izuku is 15

What if, under some circumstance, Shouta had a one night stand with Inko when he was 16. Shouta didn't remember it and Inko just woke up and realised she was so drunk she slept with a teenager, so obviously she gtfo of there because she did not mean to take a child innocents and she completely blames herself as the adult, albeit a rather young adult. (I'm thinkin she grew up in a conservative house so once she moved out she started partying her 20's away) So she leaves, nothing happens until suddenly why am I so sick all the time?

She ends up pregnant, so she cleans up her act, gets a nice apartment and a good job. She doesn't tell Shouta because 1. She doesn't even know his name, just that he was a teenager and 2. Because she's not going to ruin a child's life with another child.

So she has a kid by herself, no help from her family or anyone, and names him Izuku. She loves Izuku and how his hair shines green in the light, but it's black like Shouta's when the light is dim and this child has an IQ that certainly didn't come from Inko's side.

She said Izuku's father worked in Amarica but loved him very much, and Izuku excepted that. Eventually she was scrolling through the news and saw an underground hero named Eraserhead. It took her a second to recognize him, but she shut the screen off the second she did, automatically looking for Izuku to help calm herself.

Not even a week later, Izuku said he wanted to be a hero.

She supported him, of course, Izuku may have been one of her biggest mistakes but he was her world and she loved every bit of him. She bought him an All Might onesie and then she had to buy a second one so she could wash the first one, Izuku was attached to his onesies until he outgrew them.

Izuku met a boy named Katsuki, and Inko and Mitsuki got along like a house on fire.

That was the first friend Inko had made since she left home.

When Izuku was diagnosed as quirkless, Inko couldn't stop crying. She knew the statistics of quirkless suicides and she held her baby tight. Everything turned sour for Izuku that day, everything except heroes.

Izuku was 11 when he started talking about Eraserhead.

It was almost funny, in a sad way, that her son was the one to learn his father's name before she did. Aizawa Shouta was 27 years old, and had no idea he had a child.

Izuku loved Eraserhead, though, he learned everything he could about the underground hero. "He erases peoples quirk, but even then all he's done was even the playing field! He beats people with his own strength, he barely relies on his quirk at all!" He rambled through bites of cereal. "Did you know he made his own style of fighting? I'm guessing there's metal threaded into his capture weapon, I hope I get to ask him some day!"

Inko only smiled, happy that Izuku was happy.

"I want to go to UA for highschool, it's the best hero school around, Eraserhead and All Might went there!"

Inko froze.

[disastrousxdebby]

P-=

1 - What was the last thing you watched on TV? I was trying to watch the new season of American Horror Story but, this season seems like it's a bit iffy and rough with itself. It surely didn't keep my attention like other seasons have.

2 - Do you have the heating or air conditioning on at the moment? I have a fan on at the moment.

3 - When was the last time you did something to help someone else? I tried to talk to my coworker and help her out some... however, I feel like I may have not been able to help as much as I would have liked. x.x

4 - If you have a job, have you been busier or quieter since the whole COVID thing hit? In the beginning of it... it was really crazy and busy but, then it died down when there was a limit and curfew?! Then after things started opening again... it got crazy busy again but, usually in the winter it's quiet.

5 - Do you spend more time on your own or with others? Are you happy with that? I spend more time on my own with family. I would like to go out and hang out with others eventually. More or less... find a decent significant other. I have been single for five years and it's nice but, I still would like to think as well that there is someone out there for me. x'D I am a weirdo.

6 - Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with autism? Yeah.

7 - Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? What about your tonsils or your appendix? I have my tonsils and appendix. I am trying to get my wisdom teeth removed because they cause issues for me. So... I have an appointment in September to get a cleaning done but, I really hope they can pull the teeth out as well asap.

8 - Are you scared of needles? Yeah huh.

9 - Do you dress more for comfort, fashion or practicality? I dress more for comfort now a days.

10 - When was the last time you smoked a cigarette? I don't smoke.

11 - Would you rather drink tea, coffee, hot chocolate or water? I should be drinking more water but, I can't go without coffee sadly.

12 - Do you have a lot of ornaments around your house? If I owned my own place... x'D I would definitely have a lot of decor around it. I have as much ornaments and decor I can around my mother's place. I even stick random stuff around her home and car. This morning I made another Parasyte sticker and stuck it on the back of my mother's van. My fave characters... Migi and Shinichi ...my other fave characters from the show are Murano and Ryoko Tamiya (more so because she was a mother... even though she was a parasyte and gave birth to a human child, she protected that human child with her all. You could tell how she changed with time... is what I feel.) Also, Kana I liked her as well.

13 - Do you own more books or DVD’s? I own more books.

14 - How often would you say you took surveys? I really like taking surverys and sharing with others if they are ever curious about me.

15 - Have you ever worn a uniform to school or work? They spoke about having students wear uniforms to school but, it never happened when I was going to school. I do have to wear a uniform at work ... it kind of sucks because I am an ASM and I feel like we should be able to have a bit more freedom in our clothing choice but, good news is that ... they allow us to wear blue jeans now! [[-=

16 - Who was the first person you had a sleepover with? Are you still in touch with that person today? I think the first person that I ever had a sleep over with was my best friend Lariah and we are grown now... so we have a lot that we do in our lives. We very rarely ever get to see one another or speak anymore sadly.

17 - When you were growing up, did you have any friends who were almost like family to you? Most definitely.

18 - Could you cook an entire Christmas or Thanksgiving Dinner entirely on your own with no help from other people or recipe books? For the most part, I think I would be able to do something of the sorts but, I still would need a tad bit of help.

19 - Do you cook from scratch or do you rely more on ready meals or frozen food? I really enjoy cooking from scratch but, because my schedule is so crazy and busy most times... I have to deal with the ready made stuff or frozen. x.x On my days off though... I tend to cook dinner sometimes and make that from scratch.

20 - What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat often? I try to stay away from fast food however if I am out and about it's mostly burger king that I am grabbing and eating. x.x

21 - If you’ve been under a lockdown or stay-at-home order, what did you find the most difficult about it? I wish I could be under something of sorts sometimes.. I would have more time to craft. Aha... as long as I am getting paid for it and eventually I could go back to work. I never had a "pause" from work. I even got a letter stating that I was allowed to be out past the state's curfew because of work and being "essential".

22 - Do you still buy or read any magazines? Sometimes. The last two magazines that I brought were a health one and another one about sleep studies. I'm a geek or nerd. x.x

23 - As a teenager, what did you spend most of your pocket money or allowance on? Definitely food.

24 - Do you have much of a sweet tooth? Sometimes. I don't eat a lot of sugar often... but, I do have moments where I eat a lot of gummies and recently I tried chocolate covered roasted coffee beans and they are really yummy too.

25 - Are there any common “popular” foods that you don’t particularly like yourself? Have people ever told you you’re odd/strange for disliking that particular food? Mayo on sand. Peanut Butter and Jelly (ever two blue moons I may eat one of those sand.) I really don't favor any kind of mayo on my sand. unless it's a gas station made sand. it has to have extra oil and vinegar on it with the mayo and not just plain mayo but, for a sand it's just usually meat, cheese and the bread for me. I have been told I am pretty odd for such a thing.

26 - Likewise, are there are any commonly hated foods that you love? I guess frozen tater tots if that counts...haha...

27 - Would you rather eat pizza or pasta? Pizza.

28 - Do you own a lot of store loyalty cards? Nope.

29 - When was the last time you read a newspaper? A while ago.

30 - What kind of noises can you hear around you right now? My family. <3

[pluviophile-bookworm]

I feel like I need to talk about this...

I’m very open about being aroace. At least here on Tumblr I am. (Outside of Tumblr, I am technically out, but some issues with my mother and grandmother have forced me back into the closet. I felt miserable about that initially, but I’m learning to be fine with it.) But it wasn’t always this way. In fact, I didn’t even know what aroace meant until I was 18. So how was I supposed to know when I got my first ‘celebrity crush’ that those last words do not, in fact, describe very accurately what I was experiencing? I didn’t know I had ADHD, either. I feel like that might have helped me realise some things about my experience. But let me go back a bit and actually tell you what happened and how it happened. [side note: I’ll be starting from a bit earlier than the ‘crush’ thing happened because I feel like it’s important for whoever reads this to understand how my circumstances shaped the experience I had]

Backstory:

I had always been different from my peers, so it was not surprising to anyone that I was bullied in middle school. [side note: Judging from my and my little brother’s combined experience, I feel like bullying is, quite unfortunately, something of a universal experience in middle school - in my day, I was on the receiving end. This last school year, my brother was the bully. Gosh, I wish I could tell my story without many deviations and without crying as I type, but I’ve already thrown both of those intentions out the window.]

So anyway, things got so bad that I was driven to suicidal thoughts. One night I was just lying in bed, thinking about going through with it, but I was like, well, I’ve got a test in the morning. Maybe after that. 13-year-old me had very weird priorities. I kind of still value my work over my mental health, but I’m working on it. So that night, I didn’t do anything. The next day, right before school, I was on the internet and I found out a new show had premiered. And then, as I was watching the pilot episode, that was when it happened. I saw this boy, whom I will not be naming, and I listened to him sing. I felt nothing much at the moment, but I couldn’t get the song out of my mind all day. Up until that moment, I had had a weird attitude towards music where I’d only listen to female singers. My ‘boys have cooties’ phase, I guess you could say. But this one, he was the first one I didn’t mind at all. In fact, I felt like I could listen to his voice 24/7. I’ve had that feeling hundreds of times by now, but I hadn’t before then. So I figured, this must be what a crush means, right? This must be what all my peers are talking about. The next day, I confided in a girl from my class with whom I was kind of friendly (though not actual friends, I’d say). I asked her if she’d seen the show, if she knew this person. She said yes and we kind of gushed about the song together, and I felt normal for a couple of minutes. I never knew the difference between my experience and what is considered ‘normal’ until years later.

For the time being, the thought of this special person was what was keeping me alive. I started having visions of him walking with me through the school hallways or sitting next to me on the bus home from school. I knew perfectly well those visions weren’t real, but they made me feel better. Happy. Safe. Seen. Full disclosure: I still have such visions, I’ve had them with different people through the years as my hyperfixations change. My latest one is what has enabled me to deal with some of my worst phobias (and I have a long list of them). I’ve never told anybody what it is, and I won’t be telling because I feel like if I do tell, the vision will not be strong enough to work against my fears. But I’m getting sidetracked again. Sorry for that.

So, I was pretty much obsessed with this guy. He was all I could think about, he was keeping me alive through what was possibly the toughest time in my life to date. So naturally, thanks to my heteronormative, amatonormative surroundings, I was convinced I had a crush on him. In fact, after this experience had lasted about a year, I was sure I was in love. 

Then things changed. I started high school. I found a couple of friends, and the people in my class in general made me feel like I could finally be myself. Be open about what I thought and how I felt. So by the end of the first semester, all 27 people in my class knew about my feelings for this guy. What I didn’t know was that they didn’t know that it wasn’t exactly like I was describing it. Because I wasn’t aware that a straight/ allo person’s idea of being ‘in love’ was different from mine. I was just putting things in words I thought I understood. 

So it came as a total surprise when some people from my class started teasing me about it. It wasn’t malicious teasing, that much I could tell. I had been bullied mercilessly before. What my new classmates were doing was asking genuine questions in a slightly teasing manner. For example, it would be known that my special person had a girlfriend, and so they’d ask me ‘aren’t you jealous’ or ‘do you wish you were that’, or stuff like that. And those questions felt so weird. So stupid. I thought, wait, why would I be jealous? Why would I feel bad about this person who has made me so happy, being happy himself? Why would I want to date him? That had nothing to do with how I felt. I told my classmates so. They gave me weird looks in response. So I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn’t doing that ‘in love’ thing right. Suddenly, I felt like my feelings were being intruded upon. Tarnished, somehow. I had always been aware that my visions were anything but real. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. And all of a sudden, somebody was suggesting that I should want to date this person. Why would I want to date anyone, I thought? Even if it was him. Dating people was awkward. Making physical contact with anyone outside my immediate family made me shudder. It still does, though I can hug some of my closest friends without any negative feelings. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Back to my first time I questioned my experience. I was about 14 at the time (in Bulgaria, high school starts from grade 8, ages 13-14 or 14-15), and, well, I didn’t do much questioning at the time. I just told myself that they didn’t understand my feelings, and I stopped being so open about the topic. 

My hyperfixation on this person lasted long. Longer than any other I’ve ever had to date. Maybe it was because I clung to it like it was what tethered me to my mortal life. But by my final year of high school, I could feel it fading away. I was forcing myself to think about this person, to conjure up the old visions; the song that had started it all was drained of all meaning that it had held for me. I was moving on to other hyperfixations. I felt like I was betraying myself, like I was breaking some sort of unbreakable vow. It was time to face the music. So I let go. I allowed myself to move on. It was kind of made easier by the fact that my special person had changed, too, and had moved on to projects that I could not enjoy due to some triggering content. And I moved on.

Then I joined Tumblr. I discovered some things. Among them was Hellenic polytheism. It had been a while since I’d found my faith in the Hellenic pantheon, but Tumblr was where I found out I was not alone, that there was an existent religion. And step by step, I realised that... I had been projecting Apollo’s presence onto my special person. And my old connection to that person had started fading away when I had realised I believed in the gods.

This explained a lot of things. But there was still the fact that I had never been able to look at another person the way my peers were looking at each other. I had been asked out two or three times during high school. I had rejected those people without even thinking about it. My best friend at the time was a boy and most teachers seemed to ship us together because, well, let’s be real - we were constantly fighting like an old married couple. It took him getting a girlfriend and seeing how happy I was for the two of them for everyone to realise that things between us were, and had always been, purely platonic. And now I was going to uni and I had never had feelings I was apparently supposed to have. 

It was also thanks to Tumblr that I discovered the extent of the LGBTQ+ community. I considered myself an ally at first, and I was a passionate ally, too. I still am nothing but supportive to my fellow LGBTQ+ people of all identities, but it was not until I was 18 going on 19 that I discovered the term ‘asexual’. I knew quite suddenly that this was the term for me. I knew what I was and how I felt. I felt mature enough to know the difference between ‘I’m not experienced enough to know for sure’ and ‘I’ve just never had those feelings, I don’t even know what they’re supposed to be like’. It took a bit longer to find out there was a difference between sexual and romantic attraction, but by the time I was 19, I had proudly labelled myself ‘aroace’. I still feel at home with this label. I am completely open to the possibility that it might change with time, but this is what feels right at this time. 

Fast-forward another couple of years to about 8 months ago. I had always known that I got really invested into stuff - shows, books, hobbies, people - only for that investment to wear off after a time. The timespans varied, but I realised I had experienced this ever since I was in pre-school at least. I didn’t have a term for it, though. And then, all of a sudden, Tumblr started offering me posts tagged ADHD. I could relate to maybe 95% of them. At one point, it felt like whatever algorithm this hellsite operates on was shoving the ADHD posts in my face, as if screaming ‘DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF, WELL, YOU?!!!’ in my ears. So I did some tests. I did a lot of self-reflection. I went to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed in March. I started educating myself on the terminology and found out that what I was experiencing is called hyperfixating. So here I am now.

Here I am now, reflecting back on my experience from 8 years ago, connecting the dots. Realising what it was that I went through, allowing myself to go through it again, with different things and people. I don’t feel the need to cling to hyperfixations anymore because I know that is what they are and I know I can’t keep them forever. Of course, I do feel bad about stopping caring about something that used to be my light and life for a time. I dread the time I’ll get over my current hyperfixation, but I also know it’s inevitable. My ADHD brain needs the change and it happens naturally. And somehow I’m ok with that.

Well, this is it. This is the story of how Tumblr prompted me to discover aspects of myself that have been there for as long as I can remember. What better place to talk about it than Tumblr itself? What better group of people to understand and accept me than my lovely mutuals and followers? If you’re reading this, thank you. For being here, for listening to me, for allowing me to be who I am. You’ve got no idea how happy this makes me, even though I can barely see what I’m typing through the tears. Thank you. 

[myhauntedsalem]

20 Doctors And Nurses Share The Creepiest Last Words Uttered By A Patient Before Dying

1.

I work in a cardiac ICU. We had a patient who had a pulmonary artery rupture (a rare, but known complication of a Swan-Ganz catheter). One minute he was joking around with us and the next bright red blood was spewing out of his mouth. His last words before he died were “why is this happening to me?”

It still haunts me years later.

2.

I’m an RT and had a vented trach patient in angio have the same thing happen. Vent waveforms got a little funky showing she needed suctioned. I walked up to her and saw bright red blood just start shooting up the vent circuit and immediately obstruct it.

I immediately said “she’s hemorrhaging” and the vascular surgeon said “no it’s just a little blood” thinking I was referring to his access site in her groin.

I popped her off of the vent and blood just started pouring out of her trach, mouth, and nose. She looked at me and said, “just let me die.”

The puddle of blood was about 6 feet in diameter on the floor within just a couple of minutes and I was covered from the chest down.

I’ve seen some shit, but that was the worst,

3.

“But I don’t know how to get there…” Grandpa in hospice. Hadn’t spoken in days. Died about 2 hours later.

4.

I’m a nurse and was previously working at an assisted living community on the dementia/Alzheimer’s unit. My very favorite patient had been declining pretty steadily so I was checking on him very frequently. We would have long chats and joke around with each other, but in the last two weeks of his life, he stopped talking completely and didn’t really acknowledge conversation directed at him at all.

I finished my medication rounds for the evening and went to see him before I left. I told him I was leaving for the night and that I’d see him the following day, and he looked me in the eyes and smiled SO genuinely and said, “You look like an angel.” I thought it was so sweet because he had not seemed lucid in weeks.

He died the next morning. It really messed with me.

5.

I overheard an old lady whisper this to her old husband dying of kidney problems.

“You are going to beat this, you got away with murder, this is nothing”

6.

Nurse here – had a patient come into the ER with shortness of breath. He started deteriorating in the ER, and then quite rapidly on the transport up the ICU. We got him wheeled into his room, replaced the ER lines and tubes with our own, and transferred him from the transport stretcher to his ICU bed.

He actually did most of the transfer himself. He didn’t say anything, but just before he died he pleasantly adjusted his own pillow, laid his head down, and then his eyes went blank. This man just made himself comfortable before laying down to die.

7.

Dad had MS. He’d had it since he was 18. Diagnosed at 20, married my mom at 24, had me at 29, died 15 days short of 45. Six months before that, he was put on hospice. He and Mom were discussing funeral arrangements, and my mom jokingly said, “You know Tim, the best thing you could do would be to die on a Wednesday. That way we can have the body prepared on Thursday, the viewing on Friday, and the memorial on Saturday, so more people could come.

The morning we got the call that it was time, my mom, two sisters, and I were about five minutes too late. After we said our goodbyes, the nurse pulled my mom aside and asked if that day had any significance. It’s not even 6 am yet, so Mom doesn’t even know what day it IS much less if it’s important. The nurse tells her it’s May 21st. No… nothing is coming to mind.

The nurse told her that the previous day he kept asking what day it was and they’d tell him it was the 20th. He’d look irritated but accept it. That morning, he asked what day it was, and they said, “It’s Wednesday, May 21st.” He smiled, squeezed his favorite nurse’s hand, and was gone almost immediately.

It was Memorial Day weekend, and we did just as he and Mom had planned. And despite many friends being out of town for the holiday, we had over 250 people show up at the memorial service, overflowing the tiny church more than it had ever been filled. To his dying day, he was trying to make things easier for our family. I miss him.

8.

My grandfather on his deathbed said “they have no eyes,” still give me chills.

9.

“Get home safe, little one.” It wasn’t what he said – he said the same thing to me any time I had him as a patient for the evening. It was how he said it. He gave me this look and pause like he knew. The DNR’s in my experience, always know when it’s time. It’s creepy.

10.

Checked in on a patient before the end of my shift and she was in good spirits, had been joking with me the whole time. Her condition was tenuous (new trach) but she had been positive throughout. I asked how she was doing and she replied by singing “The old gray mare ain’t what she used to be” and wished me a good night.

I came in the next morning and she had coded and died overnight.

11.

Came into an early shift and was handed over a patient who’d been very anxious and had a panic attack overnight. He was anxious all morning but obs all fine, ecg fine and so I just asked someone to sit with him to keep an eye on him/reassure him for me. He gets worse, really panicky, heavy breathing, he’s on his side in the fetal position.

Drs will be in in 10 minutes so I tell him I’ll get them to him as soon as they come in but ask if he’ll lie on his back for me to help his breathing. He tells me he won’t make it until they get here and that he won’t face the other way. Obs still all fine at this point but he’s more agitated so again I suggest he move position for comfort and that’s when he says, ‘I won’t make it until the Drs get here. If I turn to face the other way I’ll die’. He repeated this a few times to me.

He arrested literally as the Drs walked in and he died on the side he’d been refusing to turn to. I’m convinced he knew.

12.

I’m an apprentice funeral director. We went to a nursing home on a removal and as we were walking down the hall one of the patients got antsy and opened the door to his room and saw us walking with the stretcher.

“I’ll see you next week boys”

And guess who we had to pick up the next week.

13.

I found one of my “comfort measures only” patients standing at the side of his bed. It surprised me because he had been mostly unresponsive during my shift. I helped him back into bed and he asked me why all these people were in his room.

He suddenly became quiet again and I noticed he wasn’t breathing. He was a DNR so there wasn’t anything to do to try to bring him back. Looking back he may have been talking about me and the CNA that was helping me get him back into bed, but who knows what or who he was seeing the last minutes of his life. Still creeps me out a little when I think about it.

14.

I had a cousin that had cancer and died when he was a little kid. He once asked her mother why all these people visited and she said: “Because your cousins, aunts and uncles love you very much and want you to get better” and he answered, “I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about the ones that visit me at night.”

15.

My first hospice case. She was on morphine and started mock smoking. She looked at me, took my hand and said “please” in the most pleading voice I’ve ever heard. I sat with her body until the corner arrived. She has no friends or family. Only her lawyer showed up. I’ve only done one hospice case since.

16.

I’ve commented this somewhere before but it’s stayed with me! I’m an RN and while I was a student I was caring for a lady who had end stage renal failure, had a DNAR and was shutting down. We were having a little chat, well I was chatting away while helping her put on some lotion, when she stopped, looked over my shoulder and said, “Bill’s here love, I’ve got to go” and swiftly stopped breathing. Read her old notes and Bill was her deceased husband.

17.

DNR patient was on comfort cares. Was on a high dose of morphine and hallucinating. She would alternate between grasping for things not there and trying to climb out of bed. She was too unsteady to walk so my job was to sit in the room and make sure she was safe. She tried to get up and I went to ask her what she needed. She grabbed my arm and pulled me down towards her face and said, very angrily, “kill me”. That one fucked with me for awhile.

18.

Back when I was a CNA this one resident fell off a bike for exercise in pt and seized, they came to and became lucid and said, “I think I’m dying,” but everyone in the room assured her that wasn’t going to happen, she seized up and was dead within minutes.

19.

Last year: my grandfather started desperately pleading for his life with his German captors from WWII

The doctor present was smart and said in German: “You are free, Herr Caticature. You are free.” And then he died.

20.

I actually have 3 that stick out in my mind. An 83 year old woman that said “My mom’s here. Are we going?” She died a few minutes later.

Another older lady said “I think I’m going to die today…” we took vitals, everything seemed fine. She was stable. She had a heart attack a couple hours later. Not her last words, but the last she ever said to me.

The last one is definitely the creepiest. A nice old lady who told my CNA she wanted to wear all white. When asked why, she said “The man in black is here.”

She looked in the corner of the room. The CNA looked, but there was no one there. That’s when I came into the room. We asked her to describe what she was seeing and she said “he’s in all black, and he’s got a top hat on.” Then she whispered “and his eyes are red” while her eyes moved across the room to directly behind the CNA, like she was watching him move closer to us. She died later that night. But it was unexpected. That room creeped me out for a long time after that.

[lexerah]

I’m really trying to hold on. It’s really hard man.. I guess from the outside looking in it seems like my whole world got turned upside down because of a girl but she really was the major thing keeping me going cause I felt like she was the only person who understood me/wasn’t really judgemental of who I really am. My whole life I felt like I never fitted in so I turned to music, poetry, skateboarding, & basketball and that was my escape. Up until around age 12/13 I was pretty much mute. I didn’t talk much. And when I came home there was either no one home or if my parents were home I’d be verbally abused for being so “quiet/secluded in my room” or my mom and I would argue back and forth and it would end with her saying “I wish you got hit by a bus” or “I wish you would die”.. Hearing that often just killed my spirit most of the times. I would then stay in my room longer or even turn to cutting by using a metal hanger. All during that time I was battling my sexuality and the fear from my parents when they would say things like “gays should burn” or other homophobic slurs/speeches. I didn’t know what to do. I hated myself for being gay. I hated that “it had to happen to me”. There were several years where I wish I wasn’t born like this.. fast forward and more trauma just started piling on :( my dad didn’t make it to most of my basketball games because he worked 2 jobs and that hurt a lot because it was something I was really good at and I felt like my parents would be proud/I would be “good enough”.. my dad was then diagnosed with kidney failure during my senior year of hs.. it was scary for us all.. I didn’t want to lose my dad.. for most of my senior year my dad was in and out of the hospital for long periods and I remember one time breaking down in tears because he was in the icu and I thought he was going to die that week.. he wasn’t able to go to my hs graduation because he was in the hospital still so that was another blow. a few months after highschool my mom attempted suicide when I took my little sister on a walk.. we both came home and found her unresponsive on the floor with a suicide note. I had to calm my little sister down while making sure my mom was still alive and while calling 911.. then my dad walked in a few mins later and he started blaming me for what happened and yelling “what did I do!” fast forward to while my mom was in the hospital recovering and both my sisters and I didn’t feel like ourselves.. we didn’t want to do anything and we just kept crying and my dad starts yelling at us/verbally abusing us saying that we shouldn’t be crying and that we need to stop crying. It really sucked.. that feeling on top of everything was painful.. so again fast forward to about 1.5-2 years after hs and my mom decides to separate from my dad and wanted to live in another city and she asked me if I wanted to live with her or stay with my dad. All during this time we never had a good relationship and I thought it was a really good opportunity to build on the relationship with my mom.. then a month or two before we moved to the new city my mom lashed out all of her fears, anger & resentment towards my dad at me saying it’s all my fault and that’s when the panic attacks started. (I’m sorry for the choppy writing.. it’s really hard writing this but I know I need to get it out) I remember a week or so before we moved and all of our stuff was pretty much packed for the move and my mom wanted to see her old best friend one last time at the theatres and have burgers after and that’s when I had my first major panic attack. I was sitting in the theatre and I thought I was dying. It literally felt like a black hole cause I didn’t know what it was at the time. I thought I was having a heart attack so I just waited in the lobby until the movie was over cause I went back in 1 time for a few minutes and another one came. I ended up having 3 or 4 a week for a few months and then went to IOP for 2 months around 2014 and it helped a lot with talking out stuff/processing my thoughts.

But most importantly it helped me see that there were other people out there going through similar things and it made me not feel alone.. fast forward to a year later my dog passed away when we came to visit my dad since it was his turn to watch the dogs and it was also best for him because he was living alone back in our old city :( it was really hard taking my dog to the vet when he passed🥺 a few months after that I started to lose my hearing in one ear from an ear infection and that really brought me down cause I’m a music producer and I rely on my hearing to fine tune stuff.. all during this time while I was losing my hearing I was dating this girl who had cheated on me with several guys/past boyfriends and thats when I really started feeling like I was being kicked while I was down.. literally during the time I was crying about her but mostly why someone would do something like that and take me on a trip just to tell me they still have feelings for their ex/cry about them, my mom had punched feeling in my face for crying about her and told me to stop crying or pack my bags. That was probably one of the most traumatic things because I really felt like I had no one to talk to and I felt really alone. All while my bestfriend back in my old city promised to visit but never did :/ I had no one but my little sis who was my best friend and I’m super grateful she was born cause without her honestly I wouldn’t be here. I literally raised her for 2-3 years and took her everywhere to just escape everything at home. It was a blessing that I had money from music to do all those mini trips/food runs.. it was a huge blessing man. So fast forward to a year later around 2016/2017 my grandfather started having major strokes and was in and out of a hospice and later passed away towards the end of 2017. It was too much all while my mom and little sister had moved to a different state and my dad had a kidney transplant.. I was his caretaker and my older sister didn’t help :/ I literally was breaking down everyday because I was asking why is this all coming down on me :/

I’m literally crying right now because right around that time I met someone really incredible and it just hit me rn. She was the light at the end of the tunnel in a sense. Now that I look back at things, her coming into my life at that time saved me. And maybe writing this was the answer I was looking for as to why I saw her picture 10-15 years before I even met her during the time when all the pain started in my life. Meeting her/her come into my life might be the message that everything’s going to be okay. Man.. idek what to think rn. She really is an angel in a sense cause she saved me from myself and helped me see that I have the ability to heal.. and of course I wish things ended differently cause I still love her but that’s out of my control. I have to heal and move on but also forgive myself and forgive my past and most importantly allow myself to heal. I have to fall in love with myself and love me unconditionally. I want to be one of the greatest music producers ever and have an amazing wife, kids, and beautiful house but that can’t happen if I don’t heal and forgive.

If anyone read this up to this point you’re beyond special to me and I don’t know how to thank you but it means the world to me that you read my story. I don’t like sharing because it’s really painful and makes me feels extremely vulnerable so thank you so much🥺🤧 thank you🤧🙏 I love you🤟💕

[inthedarkofficial]

Stats at 25

I did this at 18 and at 21 because they felt like milestones, and... well, so does 25, I guess. It's going under this time though, because you know what that is? Growth.

Novels Written: In the Dark (no, really, it's done this time!), Dragons, In the Flames (which was meant to be In the Know), and I'm about 31,000 words into the real In the Know

Poems written: 40+

Agent Rejections: 21 this year alone (and I at about 30 total? Fuck)

Agent Requests: On their way, of course

Works planned: 15 novels, 4 short story collections, 1 encyclopaedia. 1 poetry collection, 1 short play, 1 nonfiction essay.

Publishing credits: 1 that we talk about (FourxFour baby!)

Characters: where do they keep coming from?

Lives lived: Why did I phrase this in the past tense? It's still happening

Life path: One step at a time, but an author, always

Books Read: Not as many as I'd like

Books to Read: A lot more than I'd like

Concerts seen: 27

Grades in piano: 3 (why do I keep including this?)

Memories: Treasured and painful and apparently something I have to fight for

Time: Lost all meaning this last year

Nickname: Still going by Padfoot, call me Roro and I will cut you

Clothes: So! Many! Clothes! but they make me feel better than ever

Style: It changes every day because I change every day

Friendships: How did I make new, incredible friends during a lockdown? I don't know, but gods bless D&D

Parents: We survived together in one house locked down for over a year, I'm so grateful for them

Family: I miss you Kali. I miss you nan. I want to hug you, Maddison. I want to give all of you a hug, honestly.

Enemies: I'm still coming for you, Derek

Sexuality: I keep looking closer and closer to see what the ins and outs are, but I'm bi and queer and that's enough

Gender: I fucking came out as genderqueer and I've started playing with pronouns and gender presentation and honestly? Never felt better

Hair colours: Literally could not tell you anymore. How many? Who knows. I want another.

Education: A in 11+, 2 A* and 8 A GCSEs, 1 A* and 2 A A Levels, 2.1 English Literature Degree, and I will finish this fucking proofreading course! Also, that masters degree is really calling me like a siren...

Tattoos: 2, and as soon as Covid allows it, I'll be getting more

Continents : 3

Countries: 10

Cities: I clearly counted this wrong and now? no clue

Homes: About to be 9!

Places to visit: I just want to go and see (and meet!) my friends, honestly

Vaginismus: Diagnosed! Fucking diagnosed!

Dilators: size 2!

Relationship status: Not going to be fucking decided by what some fucking Western doctor thinks I should be using my vagina for holy gods.

Standards: I want to be loved right down to my scalp. I enjoy my own company too much to settle for less.

Tears shed: My eyes hurt

Laughter: My ribs hurt

Jobs: 5, +writer, always. Fingers crossed for some sweet, sweet income soon though.

Readings: More! Let me do more! Covid, you bitch!

D&D campaigns: 1 abandoned, 1 shelved, 2 ongoing, 1 beginning soon

D&D Podcasts: R.I.P. Edge of Night

D&D characters: Where are all you stupid bisexuals coming from? (Not you, Caleb, we're thrilled to have you here)

Clean: Been a daily struggle this year. Not quite succeeding sometimes. But never fully relapsed. I can be proud of that.

Mental health: Ups and downs, but I'm taking back control

Physical health: Ready to fight doctors, but I'm getting there

Height: 5′2″, do I really need to keep recording this?

Shoes size: 3 (uk), I totally need to keep recording this

Weight: Most days I like my body, and that's a big improvement

Puns: cannot count how many times I got kicked out of skype calls this year

Beliefs: Maybe it's better to have ideas, but I've found names to give power to, powers to give love to, I have principles I live by, the faeries in the garden still get offerings, hawthorn trees carpet the garden in flowers, and I am enough. The worls is on fire, and full of people doing harm for no reason, so it's hard to believe that the world is good, but my life, at its core, is a good life. And I'm so grateful, even when things are hard.

Happy memories: even in the darkest and hardest of times, I have had moments of pride, and moments I felt loved. I know what unconditional love is. What could be better

Sad memories: Reclaimed, remembered, and not going to fucking control me.

How the things I planned to do at 21 panned out: actually learned what it takes to find an agent and though it took longer than I planned, I am now doing that process. Gave up krav maga, no regrets. Did finish my third novel (at least, first draft), then learned it was the wrong novel. But I did write a whole other novel. Graduated UEA with a 2.1. Successfully left Norwich and never have to fucking return! Have done freelance editing work and got a job at Debenhams, though Covid fucked those a bit. Wrote that fucking dissertation and it's fabulous. Did see Hamilton. Did put more hats on Cicero before he broke (but he's now getting repaired!) Decided a TEFL was an insane idea, I hate teaching. Did, indeed, continue to live and did a whole lot else.

Goals at 25: Keep submitting to agents, finish In the Know and work on the faery books, continue my physical and mental health journey, keep working with the dilators, move into my own house (!), find a steady source of income, start getting my poetry and other writing out there, finish my vaginismus article, visit my friends, get a new tattoo, keep volunteering at Pride, play enough D&D to justify all these fucking dice sets, get Cicero back, keep building the life I want.

Life at 25 years: when I wrote my "Stats at 21" post, I didn't know how much denial I was in. I'd totally repressed the memory of being sexually assaulted and I didn't even know about a condition that I've just learned has likely been impacting me in multiple ways all my life. I hadn't even met a person who would become one of my best friends, and then my boyfriend, and then my ex, and then totally out of my life by the time I write this. I barely knew the guy who is now one of the most important people in the world to me. I was only beginning to question my gender. I'd not questioned my sexuality in years. I've been through counselling, learned to stand up for myself, worked on so many projects I couldn't even imagine being a part of back then, been on a huge vaginismus journey that's still on going, started playing D&D, went to the graduation ceremony I never planned to attend, and I'm about to have my own house, just to point to a select few things. There's been a global pandemic (still ongoing), movements and trials that helped me find my truth and broke my heart, Brexit fucking happened, I lost my best, dearest and oldest friend (I love you Kali) and my nan... I could not have imagined what 25 would look like on the night I turned 21, just like at 18, 21 was impossible to picture.

So I guess... hi future Rowan. Happy 27th birthday (of course it's going to be 27). What does your world look like now? Did we fall in love? Did we make good dilator progress? How's the house? Did we decide on kids? I cannot begin to wonder what your world looks like, but I swear, I'm working on making it good.

"Soft and slow/Watch the minutes go/Count outloud/ So we know you don't keep them for yourself." - Halsey

[crtter]

Hey, sorry if this is intrusive, if you don't want to answer it's fine. But I saw you reblogging some posts about adhd and I wanted to know If you are diagnosed, and If so, how was your process. Because I relate to like 80% of the simptoms, rsd and inattentiveness hit me especially hard, but I have no idea how to get a diagnose. I'm from Brazil too btw, and I see basically no one talking about this, and they mostly spot young restless boys.

Oh, it’s not intrusive at all! I’ll be happy to share how it went with me. You see, I was only diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, but I had been diagnosed with NVLD first in my teens.

During my entire childhood, I had trouble with socializing, couldn’t read social cues very well, and, despite being a “good student” in general, I’ve always been disproportionately bad at anything involving numbers. My parents have always been averse to the idea that I had anything “wrong with me” because I had learned to read and write at a young age, and school psychologists have always told then I was smart, I was just immature for my age and “didn’t try hard enough”. They left it at that and my dad, who has always been very good with numbers, used to go over the entire coursework with me so I would at least get good enough grades at math to not flunk my classes.

When I was 15, I changed schools and started to really feel the pressure to “fit in”, which I was really bad at. That was when an artist I admired on DeviantArt once described her experience with being on the autism spectrum and I could relate to a lot of aspects of it. I started to suspect I could be on the autism spectrum myself. I asked my mom a lot if I could see a psychiatrist about it, and she eventually agreed to let me attend this study made by a teaching hospital to diagnose young people who might have different kinds of mental disorders.

I took a lot of different tests and, after some months, I was diagnosed with Nonverbal Learning Disorder, which isn’t in the autism spectrum per se, but shares a few characteristics with it, mainly the whole thing with socializing. What differentiated it from an autism diagnosis was mostly difficulties with visual-spatial awareness and numbers, which in of itself would be called dyscalculia. So I was like “OK, this is what’s up with me, then.” and I started seeing a therapist to help me with it. I was 17 and in high school, then.

Despite knowing about my shortcomings, though, my therapist often told me that my problem was that I was “too lazy” when I related my issues with things like paying attention in class and not being able to just “get up and do things” sometimes she also body shamed me a lot but that’s not really relevant. Anyway, I stayed with her for a while but eventually it got too expensive to continue, so I left.

That was when I left high school and got into university for the first time. I got into vet school, which was the first time in my life I couldn’t ask my dad to help me with certain subjects I did badly in, because, unlike with math and physics and the like, he couldn’t really help with things like anatomy. Long story short, I did well for a while, then started doing really badly and eventually, I had to drop out. I attributed that to my bad visual-spatial perception and started attending another university, this time to learn animation, a subject I’ve always been passionate about. The same thing happened: I did well until a certain point, then I got in trouble with a single subject (this time it was 3D modeling) and eventually did so bad I had to drop out again.

This all took a big emotional toll on me and everything, but that was when I realized I had pretty much always followed a certain... pattern when it came to my academic life: I just couldn’t pay attention to certain subjects at all and had to try my hardest to learn them, often needing outside help, while others were naturally interesting to me so I didn’t really need to study. That was also when I first learned about executive dysfunction, which is very often a trait of ADHD, and I could relate to it a lot. The more I read about ADHD, the more I could relate to it. I started to suspect I didn’t only have NVLD, but I could have ADHD as well.

Also I kinda rushed things up for the sake of brevity but just to situate the story better, between graduating high school, getting into an university, studying for a few years, dropping out, getting into another university, studying for another few years and dropping out again, a lot of time passed. I was now 26 years old.

Anyway, I decided that I wanted to see another psychiatrist about possibly having ADHD, and I eventually got around to it. She asked me a few questions about my academic life, how I paid attention to things, whether or not I experienced “brain fog” (I did, and I described it as TV static in my brain) and about executive dysfunction, she told me “Well, you look like a pretty textbook case of Inattentive Type ADHD, alright” and decided to start me on a low dosage of Ritalin. And! Everything changed! My chores didn’t take the whole day long to complete anymore and eventually, I decided to give animation school a try again, and I did way better at it! I also started seeing a behavioral therapist, which also helped me much more than my “regular” therapist had ever done.

So... if I learned anything from all this, is that, in the end, we know ourselves better than we give ourselves credit for. If you read about a certain disorder and start to heavily suspect you might have it, there’s a good change that you do or that you have something pretty similar. The older you are (and the furthest you are from the “hyperactive little child” stereotype people usually have about ADHD) the harder it might be to get a formal diagnosis and medication, but it’s definitely not impossible! It might take seeing quite a few different psychiatrists -which is not going to be cheap, I admit- but with some trial and error, you might be able to find someone that’s willing to test you for ADHD.

That’s about it, I guess! Sorry for the length, and I wish you the best of luck!!!