#i am. So Tired of waking up at the start of february every year to anti-trans bills passing committee.

[magic-is-something-we-create]

your periodic reminder that im trans and everything ive ever made has been done with the hopes to showcase the beauty and power and glory that being trans is.

this is also your periodic reminder that im queer and everything ive ever made has been done with the hopes to showcase the beauty and power and glory that being queer is.

this is also your periodic reminder that im ace and everything ive ever made has been done with the hopes to showcase the beauty and power and glory that being ace is.

[zephfair]

Hello? Anyone still here?

Hey, who disappeared for months and has desperately missed all her little friends who live on this hell-site but has been too exhausted and overwhelmed to actually login ... and who lost track of where this sentence was going ... Yeah, this girl.🤗

But, wow, have I missed you all and all the beauty that is Tumblr, and I hope you'll forgive me for secreting myself away since--holy cow--January.

Quick life update behind the cut.

So, I knew going back to work full-time at my age after quite a long unintended break AND now having health disabilities, well, I knew it would be hard. I knew I would have to adjust my whole, entire life. I expected it to be incredibly difficult, and I fully planned to give myself some grace and time in having to change my every routine.

But somehow, I still underestimated it.

I am so thankful to have a job now, with a steady (if small) income and benefits that frankly make me want to weep with thanks. I mean, I don't have time to go to the doctor, but at least now I could afford to go, if I could get there.

But wow, work is tough. Not just the literal work but, as I said, changing my entire life around it. I'm not complaining, but I am doing my best to learn all new skills (job is not in my old field), relearn how to work and reschedule my own needs and just upend everything.

The absolute worst thing has been trying to take care of my aunt. I was to leave town on Jan. 7 to start my training on Jan. 8.

My 90-year-old aunt fell and broke her pelvis (and a finger and needed some stitches) Jan. 2. I spent every waking hour with her over the rest of that week. While I'd planned to spend that week cleaning my house, getting my business in order and just resting, I was freaking out and traveling through the snow and literally worried sick about her.

It was bad.

And I couldn't stay with her like I did when she broke her hip because I had to attend training full-time. At least they let us come home super-early from that first on-site week of training, but that led to a literal nightmare of a drive home one night through snow, ice, rain, flooding and fog that I'm not joking I've had nightmares about before and now since. Long story.

So, I spent January and February training and working 9 hours a day then spending all day Saturday at her place cleaning and doing laundry and making sure she had everything she needed for a week, and then I had Sunday to do my own laundry and clean the house and take care of my own things...which just keep getting pushed back because I'm too worn out.

Thank God, Aunt made a miraculous recovery and now is doing her own house and laundry etc. but I still go out one day a weekend and do anything else she needs and make sure she has all her groceries and supplies and stuff.

We're all each other has.

Needless to say, I haven't been taking care of myself. I don't sleep well anyway, but add the stress of the new job and my dear aunt and my own health issues, and I'm exhausted. Weary. Overwhelmed and just so very tired. My body is so heavy, I can barely move anymore. It's bad.

And when I finally got to my doctor two weeks ago for my long-delayed check-up, found out I was right about my blood pressure being sky-high again. It went high for the first time several years ago when my Mom was dying, but it eventually settled and was fine. But yeah, it's bad again now. No shock there. And all my lovely chronic health conditions have flared which was no surprise--again, I had braced myself to expect it and power through it, and that's what I'm doing. But it sucks. And it's hard. And there's so much pain.

I don't want to say much about my job, but the over-arching Praise the Lord wonderful thing about it is working from home. There have been so many days already that I never would've been able to get to an office to work, but I can push through it here because I don't have to use any spoons to get myself "ready" (sweatshirts and leggings, no personal grooming necessary, yay), and I don't have any anxiety about driving because zero commute. It has its challenges too because Teams is a weird office communication alternative to get used to, but on the good side, I don't have to deal with interpersonal drama from co-workers.

The work itself is challenging, but I have some days where I finally feel quietly competent and think, Oh, I can actually do this. And then there are some days that leave me in tears and praying for help because it's just too hard. But there's no way I'm quitting; they're going to have to fire me because did I mention the benefits are incredible? I mean, I live in the US and if you knew how much I had to pay last year for my own health insurance, and then the scope and biopsies and then the skin cancer and surgery and then the other skin pre-cancer biopsy and treatment. Yeah, I'm still in big debt from all of that.

So I keep praying that they keep me and that I'll do a good job. And my immediate supervisor has started piling extra work on me over the past 3 weeks so suddenly I'm doing my own stuff AND cleaning up the work from co-workers who aren't keeping up. And all of them have been working since October while just a handful of us began in January?

I have been complaining about this to my aunt, and I thought it meant that my supervisor thinks I'm incapable or is punishing me for trying to get through own my entire workload every single day. But she believes he's giving me all their shit work because I'll actually do it, and I admit, I have gotten some of it completed successfully after they'd given up on it. So, I don't know.

I know that I'm a perfectionist and I've always pushed myself as hard as possible to do my best at work (not at housework and other things in my life lols) but I really hope that it gets me a good reputation at this job and they keep me.

So yeah, that's what's going on here. I've completely abandoned the fandom things in life that I actually enjoy. I almost feel, like, guilty when I'd think about trying to make some time to browse Tumblr or wasting time on social media or even trying to write fic. I get done with work at 6:30 pm, and until I get something to eat and then clean up, it's 8 or 8:30. I have to spend about an hour on the phone with Aunt (and I call her every morning, break, and lunch time too). By then, I can barely walk or move so I just try to make it upstairs to bed. Even though I can't sleep, it just feels nice to lie down.

But I miss all of you. And I miss fandom fun. And I want to be around more because maybe it would recharge me rather than me feeling so freaking overwhelmed every minute of the day.

And I promise not to complain and bitch all the time, now that I've gotten it out of my system. But thanks for listening.

I do miss you, and I love you all.

PLEASE let me know if I've missed anything important in your lives and goings on here! I've got A LOT of catching up to do!

[gabbagepatch]

Day by day ~ 3-29-2024

Since my last blog I saw my optometrist and my eyes have gotten a clean bill of health! Nothing "wrong" with my eyes except some surface dryness.

I still haven't received a call from any neurologist and my bloodwork is delayed because the lab technician is on vacation. I'm pretty antsy for answers, obviously, because this shit has really been difficult. If I can at least find out why, even if it's not "cured", I won't be so scared. It's scary not knowing. I asked my PCP to test my urine for gadolinium because the sensory symptoms onset two days after my MRI in February and I found some reports of people with near-identical symptoms after being administered MRI contrast. PCP seemed skeptical, but I haven't had any other obvious solutions presented to me.

I feel like a conspiracy nut a lot. Is it this? What about that? Should I get this test? I'm desperate for answers. I accessed my own MRI to check for Chiari Malformation (didn't have it). My family is telling me to step away from searching but how can I? I feel awful and I'm expected to wait patiently for months to see doctors that don't help. Who's supposed to be looking for answers when doctors won't?

Doctors act like patients, especially women, are trying to scam them into diagnosis's, like we want to be ill. I don't want this to be happening. ~shocker~ I wish I felt "normal", whatever that means. If I had one wish, I'd wish for health. I'm tired. Tired of waking up everyday to a life of discomfort, to headaches, to feeling restless, to pain, to uncertainty.

I know I sound depressed, I guess I kindof am. I started this year with tinnitus, and I'm heading into April with a laundry list of physical challenges and no answers.

I don't think anyone that hasn't had these symptoms understand the mental toll it takes when your body is never at rest. Always twitching, burning, stinging, buzzing, cramping, aching, ringing--I haven't felt truly relaxed since Christmas 2023. I can't even sit on my phone and scroll mindlessly because my own eyes turn everything into a lightshow.

I'm not normally someone who likes to pity party, but get the balloons because that's how I feel today. I'm sure I'll perk up, do an activity, watch something, and I'll feel a bit better by tonight. But then the high will fade and I'll crawl into bed and begin shaking and hurting all over. I'll wake up and do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. I'll keep going, even if it's miserably.

──────────────────── 〔✿〕 ─────────────────────

 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

──────────────────── 〔✿〕 ─────────────────────

[chronicallymargaret]

the beginning

One morning in February of 2012, my mom had knocked on the door to wake me for breakfast and I told her I didn’t feel well. She went and grabbed the thermometer and it read 102℉. There was a sickness going around the high school at the time, so she told me to take some meds and rest. The next morning, my mom woke me up again to check my temperature and it had barely gone down. I stayed home again and followed the same regime. After my fever finally broke, my body didn’t feel right. I thought maybe I was just overly tired from being sick or maybe it was just the cold medicine wearing off. Eventually, I got to the point where I really didn’t think about the pain because I didn’t want to worry anyone. The family wounds were still healing from losing my first best friend, my grandpa, six years prior to cancer. Plus, I never liked people worrying about me because I knew that no matter what, I would always be okay - or so I thought.

High school was hard enough - let alone having a medical condition that not a single doctor in the tri-state area knew a single thing about. I kept my symptoms away from my parents for a very long time. Eventually, like most parents, they caught on that something wasn’t right with their kid. In December of 2012 along came the typical parental questions: “Margaret, are you doing drugs?” “Come on, kid, just tell me what’s going on with ya.” “Kiley Mae. Sit your ass down and start talking.” And then the never ending conversations and tears started to flow. I explained that, no - I was not doing drugs (I really was quite innocent here, Ma and Pops. Only a couple of times, I swear.). I finally broke down to my parents and told them the truth: Ever since that February morning in 2012, I’ve had a headache and chronic pain nearly every day.

Next thing I knew, my mom started researching and researching and more researching. She tried countless times to get clinics/doctors/specialists - you name it, she called them - to even listen to her. She called Mayo Clinic nearly EVERY DAY - practically begging on her hands and knees to fit me in to be seen by someone, anyone. She was my voice because no doctor or person took me seriously. I was “craving attention, a drama queen, drug addict/seeker, hypochondriac, lazy, not good enough, problematic, selfish, waste of money, time, and space.) I watched my dad’s hair slowly turn more and more gray as he worried about whether he should go to work to make money for the never-ending medical bills or go with his wife and daughter to find out the answers. (I hate how corporate America works. Since when has money become more important than one’s health? It’s disgusting and I wish we could change the system.) I watched my sister lack the attention from my parents that she deserved because they were constantly worried about me. (I am in no way, shape, or form calling out my parents. They have ALWAYS done their best in EVERY situation and that is why I am so proud to call them my parents - my heroes.) My high school friends secretively raised money to buy me a miniature pet pig to try to help make me feel better - my parents appreciated the kind gesture but said no because I needed to focus on my health. (I WILL own a pet pig one day - Dallas has already approved.

I have had a majority of my POTS symptoms under control over the last 10 years, but 2023 really screwed up my body. Due to all of the trauma and stress from not only everyday life, but miscarriages, surgeries, and mental health episodes as well - my body has been in FULL overdrive. I've been struggling trying to keep my life going and trying to ignore my health because I don’t want to give in to the fact that my POTS is getting WORSE and not better like I had been telling myself - and everyone I know - since the day I was diagnosed in July of 2012. Back then - yes, this was a frickin’ decade ago .. totally gross, I know. [“POTS was only seen in approximately 500,000 Americans. (https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/2012/0901/p392.html)."] Imagine being 15 years old and you're a literal drop in the ocean of people who have something medically rare. What in the frick are the odds of that?

Flash forward to now, February 2024, I have nearly every symptom back plus new ones. My chronic symptoms are headaches - different intensities and locations, lightheadedness and dizziness, severe brain fog - I try not to drive on these days as I typically forget everything, insomnia, anxiety (omg .. I said the BIG “A” word), and depression (oooopps, I did it again bahaha). My new symptoms are: chronic abdominal pain - intensity and location has varied over approximately three months now, dry heaving, hot and cold intolerance (I told my work mom’s I feel like I’m going through menopause with how many hot flashes I have .. they giggled and said “Ohhh Kiley Mae, you have no idea what you’re in for - this is hardly nothing.” Also, can we talk about how important work relationships are? I love my work moms and work family - I’m very blessed on that front.), and vomiting.

The news that I learned today was that due to the dry heaving and vomiting, I now have a large hiatal hernia - part of my stomach is on top of my diaphragm. I’m currently waiting for a call to schedule a barium swallow test and I have a referral in with the University of Nebraska Medicine with a POTS specialist. I personally believe that I’m going to have chronic headaches and abdominal migraines - but I’m holding onto a little bit of hope that the doctor I currently have is going to confirm that the abdominal discomfort is from the hernia, not POTS. I plan on keeping this updated regularly because after I figure out what’s going on with me - I want to share my path of life so no one has to go through the medical trauma that I have.

Medical trauma is a huge part of not only who I am as a person but talking about it is the therapy that I am working through right now. I will eventually spill all of the emotions, but for today I’m going to talk about today. Because today was a very good day and I deserve to celebrate it.

My parents have become “snowbirds” and fly to southern Texas for the winter. Unfortunately, my endoscope ended up being scheduled while they were gone. I told my parents they didn’t have to come back home because it was a simple procedure, and everything was going to be okay. (Yes, I’m 27 and still take my parents to certain medical appointments because I’ve been hurt - I’m working on it.). I don’t know if it’s because I finally did it by myself or if the staff was told to be extra careful with me or what - but I had the most relaxing experience ever. No one looked at me like I was weird when I stated that I had POTS and would need an extra bag of saline. The first anesthetist actually shared with me that she also was diagnosed with POTS. I immediately got a smile on my face and asked if she was kidding. Coming from a small town, not very many people understood what my diagnosis is and again - I’ve been used to being a single drop in the ocean.

The anesthetist made sure to mark my charts and inform the rest of the care team my condition, what to expect, and what I would need after I woke back up. Anesthesia tends to send me into a flare up - especially with cutting off food and water after midnight. Once I got taken into the operating room, my actual anesthetist started asking me questions about POTS. He stated that he had heard of it, but only until recently. I started to explain how long I’ve had it. Then I just started word vomiting because this was a whole new experience for me - how I just want some answers but I’m sure they wouldn’t find anything. I had already come to terms with the abdominal migraines starting. He looked at me in the sincerest way and said, “Wow. You’re a strong woman. You’ve been through a lot but you’re so cool about it.” That statement right there hit me. I realized in that moment that, holy shit, I’ve persevered. I’ve climbed a huge hurdle today and I can’t wait to keep climbing.

If you've read this long - just know that I see you and I love you.

[rhetoricalrogue]

So! Last month’s habit of getting up early to have a calmer morning and to be early and/or on time for work has stuck, which means I’m moving on to building a new habit. One of my work friends was selling a slightly used Apple Watch because she got an upgrade and didn’t have any use for her older one, and I’ve used the past two weeks as a baseline for how many steps I take per day. I like the accountability and the fact that there's reminders to stand up and move around every hour. I’m ignoring the active calories burned ring because that’s a slippery slope to falling back on some unhealthy habits that took me forever to unlearn, but overall, I really like it.

February’s habit is going to be to move more. I'm not setting a big goal of 10,000 steps per day by the end of the month or walking a 5K every day, just a conscious effort to move more throughout the day. I have a bad ankle and knee that the cold weather is making flare up, so doing anything super ambitious feels like it's a one way ticket to Injury Town, but getting up to walk around the building on good weather days several times during the workday and then going on evening walks around the apartment complex doesn't feel like it would be too much to work on this month.

Things I learned from/appreciated last month:

Set Future!Me up for success instead of failure. Picking what I wanted to wear, setting out skincare items on the bathroom counter, and placing whatever bowls and utensils I need for breakfast out in the kitchen really helped. I’m still groggy and trying to wake up, but having a system in place so I don’t have to think while my brain is sluggish helped tremendously.

Plan the morning out. Even if it was a quick 5 minute “okay, so what’s first on my plate when I get into work?” self-reminder, it was helpful to go into the office with a game plan on how the morning was going to go. Did the mornings always go the way I planned? No, but it was nice to have a tether point for “okay so Things Happened, but once I take care of them, these are still the things I need to accomplish in my work day.” It kept me focused and cut down on feeling as overwhelmed and overloaded.

GOING HOME ON TIME. Not being late to work and having to make up time almost every day has been a HUGE difference! Having time in the evenings to actually relax before prepping for the next day has been so nice! Even if I didn't do anything but hang out and watch random stuff or scroll my phone, it was great to consistently go home at a set time and leave work at work.

Sleep schedules have clicked! Having a set time to go to bed so I can wake up rested means that by the end of the month, I was starting to get tired without even looking at what time it was and was pretty much either 10 minutes early before my alert to start shutting things down for the night went off or right on time. I also bought Izzy a cozy cat bed which she prefers 9 times out of 10 than climbing up in bed with me so while it may be weird not being bunny kicked to the middle of the bed at night, it also is nice to actually sleep throughout the night instead of getting woken up for 3 am zoomies and getting my spleen stepped on when a certain furry little roommate decides to run over me instead of moving around.

I'm hoping that this month's habit will pave the way for the one I have planned in March, but I'm going to be patient with myself and not push anything too ambitious. This year is the year that I take things as they come instead of stressing myself out over self-imposed perfection.

[poetryasreligion]

AGING

I cry every year on my birthday.

For most of my life I did it in secret, embarrassed by the thought of being perceived as melodramatic or overly sensitive. But in the last few years I've learned from friends (and strangers on the internet) that I am not alone in the birthday waterworks phenomenon—we're all grappling with the realities of aging and impermanence, memory and nostalgia, legacy and regret. The relentless tide of time is washing away our mortal bodies just as quickly as it brought them in. That's fucking scary!!!

Rather than trying to repress these realizations, I give us permission to look time dead in the eye, to mourn our youth, to embrace change and also fear it intensely. To ask each other, how do you cope when (to steal a line from The Good Place) birth is a curse and existence is a prison? Can we do it together? Come, sit on the floor with me and share a slice of red velvet cake while we discuss our fleeting blip of shared humanity. (Did I mention I have cake?)

how to wish yourself a happy birthday by Eliza McLamb (essay // birthdays)

you start at the beginning. the baby just born, tan tub in the Cary house, naked and nestled up to the heavy, silver necklaces and Esteé Lauder perfume. you hold the baby and say “happy birthday, honey. i love you.”

The Universe May Stop Expanding in Five Billion Years by Savannah Brown (poem // cosmic vertigo)

Don't Hesitate by Mary Oliver (poem // joyful possibilities -- I read this every year on my birthday)

This is the story of February by Claire Donohoe (poem // melancholy change)

Playlist by me (playlist // the mushy uncertainty and bittersweet nostalgia of your early 20's)

I want my baby teeth back Stare in the mirror, do my best Late Night Show wisecrack I wanna know what it's like Pull out my front one on my own time

(Haley Blais, "Baby Teeth" -- on playlist)

What's the point of growing up When it's obvious the world is fucked By stuff someone thought up before my time So I'll clean my toilet, pay my bills Eat my salad, take my pills In a box inside a city that's on fire No wonder why I always wake up tired

(Olive Klug, "Coming of Age")

Lady Bird, dir. Greta Gerwig (movie // teenage girlhood + evolving parental relationships)

Mistress America, dir. Noah Baumbach (movie // my favorite depiction of the college experience)

Boyhood, dir. Richard Linklater (movie // coming of age masterpiece)

My Year of Prolonged Suffering and Decrepitude (episode of Binchtopia podcast // the predatory, misogynistic anti-aging industry)

[ladyofluxure]

My level up Journey - 2023

- RANTING PART : Wake up call -

I am 23 years old. I’ve been escorting for the past year and a half. I am on the heavy side (205lbs for 5’5’’). I make on average 10-15k/month profit but I tour often and my life is pretty hectic. I have a curvy hourglass looking body and it saves me but I’m SOOOO tired of being fat. Outside of my job, I don’t go out and I don’t date either because I already know that it would be harder for me to attract the kind of men that I want (wealthy providers) so I don’t even bother. I don’t have friends like that. I used to be close to a girl but we got into an argument and she said some things that made me want to cut her off or at least take my distances… overall, I am okay with my life. Financially, I’m doing fine and I’ve saved up a great amount of money (120k saved up currently). Other than that, I am not happy with the way that I look, I am not happy with my love life, I am not happy with my networking skills (I want to make more friends from the right circle) and I also want to do other things than escorting (have a side-business that will allow me to tour less often) … I love the job but it can get mentally draining sometimes. I would also like to up my rates (800/h + .. eventually 1,000/H + and only cater to the wealthy men)

I’m writing this pissed off, sad and feeling lonely on a Wednesday night. I’m tired of looking at my life and feeling like I’m missing out big time because of the way I look. I’m fat and insecure. It is a bit weird because I’m also a professional escort and make a good living for myself. I know that I am attractive to certain men but escorting and marrying rich are not the same thing.

I am a well-built 205lbs, 5’5’’ woman. I hold most of my weight on my ass, thighs and boobs. It’s easy to find a guy who want to drop a couple of hundreds or a few thousands on me BUT I want a man who will FUND my lifestyle. Who will buy me cars, properties, invest in my future and give me a good amount of money every single month (minimum 10k/month).

I've decided to no longer be my enemy and instead be my own best friend and take care of myself this year and ALL the other years to follow. Here are my goals for this year.

GOALS OVERVIEW:

1. Lose weight. Get down to 70KG by August (lose 50 lbs in 5-6 months) *Most important*

2. Have started my side-business + register it too (business account, incorporate myself, set PayPal) *Hardest*

3. Get my driver's license by July. The latest. *Easiest*

4. Get plastic surgery (BBL, 360 Lipo and chin lipo)

5. Get Lasik Eye Surgery [done]

6. Network; meet new friends

7. Get back in the dating scene and date with a purpose (spoiled girlfriend, have a roster of high earner guys)

8. Start free styling for sugar daddies as well

9. Have a total of 200k saved up from hoeing by the end of the year. (Already saved up 120k right now)

10. Have a clear and healthy skin

11. Grow my side-business and make 5k/month

12. Keep my place organized and clean

13. Finish laser hair treatments (face & body)

14. Get a car! Either buy one or get it gifted by a generous suitor

15. Have hobbies and try out new activities; yoga, golf, arts, photography, etc.

16. Travel abroad at least once for leisure (not for escorting)

17. Get closer to God (bible study, pray more)

18. Rebrand my escorting persona and up my rates

19. Invest in my looks and be put together as much as possible (hair, nails, makeup, clothes, perfume, etc.)

Phase 1: Weight loss, clear skin and get driver’s license

Duration: Late February to July 2023 (5 months)

Weight loss

Duration: 6 months (From late Feb to July)

Goal for August 1: 70kg (BMI: 25)

Work on your emotions and thoughts around food! Listen to Brooke Castillo's podcasts on youtube -

Follow hunger cues and only eat when hungry. Stop eating when comfortably full, not stuffed. Use hunger scale.

Intermittent fasting and no food late at night (past 8PM)

Mostly eat whole food (veggies, fruits, leaner cuts of meat, whole grains, etc.) and keep junk food and sweets to a very minimum - especially the first months.

Have occasional treats but plan them.

Stay well hydrated (2L /day) and sleep 8H/night

Exercise 5-6x/week even if it’s only brisk walking. (Walking, hot yoga, regular yoga, ballet, pole dancing, gym, etc)

Weigh in once a week and keep track of it

Once you’ve reach your weight goal, keep the healthy habits up otherwise, the weight you’ve lost will creep back up babe. It’s a lifestyle change. ❤️

Clear skin

Face

Follow daily skin care routine morning and night: cleanser, toner, moisturizer, SPF

Exfoliate, masks, etc. weekly

Professional peeling glow once every trimester

Eat healthy and drink lots of water. Keep sweets and junk food to a minimum

body

Dark inner thighs

Cleanse area with Kojic Acid Soap

Apply Glycolic Acid on the affected areas

Add lightening cream on affected area (Kojiglo, Hydroquinone, Kojivit)

Driver’s License

I’m literally 23 and I don’t have my driver’s licence yet… I’m done with all my courses but I just need to practice a little more, study and get it over with. I know I can do it!

Pay for new driver’s licence

Study driving lessons 15 minutes to 1 hour 3-6X/ week

Paid practice 1x/week, practice as much as possible with my sister (1-3x/week)

Do the knowledge test in March, do the road test in May/June

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Things to do during that phase

- Start my side business (high income skill)

- Save up an extra 25K (hoeing) during that phase because I'll be off work for a few months after surgery

- Keep my place/room organized

Phase 2: Plastic surgery and recovery

Duration: August to October 2023 (3 months)

Surgery: BBL, Lipo 360 and chin lipo

What do I want from my bbl?

I want a natural looking slim, curvy look. I already have a great foundation. I just want to enhance what I already have. Slimmer waist, fill up my hip dips, lipo arms and inner thighs

Contact surgeon assistant as soon as I reach 80kg (176lbs) and schedule surgery for 3 months later to give myself some time to lose the remaining pounds (10kg/22lbs)

Stop touring 3 weeks before surgery date to get ready

Start packing and buying essential surgery supplies a month or 2 before surgery

Already research your post-op care (masseuses, Faja brands, etc.) before even getting surgery

Take iron supplements to make sure that my hemo level is good

Surgery: boob job *2024*

Breast lift with implants booked for March 2024

I want bigger boobs but not the porn star aesthetic. I want to be a trophy wife more than a play doll

Lift and add 300-450cc implants (round silicone moderate plus implants)

Phase 3: Start going out, network and date

I want to meet more likeminded girls, have a roster of quality high earner men and network with people in the right circle. I plan on getting out of my little bubble once I look the part (weight loss, style, makeup, hair, etc.). I already know that people judge one another based on their looks. Look the best to attract the best

A few tips ✨

It’s important to have the right attitude. Smile often and ask questions. Don’t push it and also let them reciprocate.

Clean up your social media and remove pictures that don’t reflect the kind of woman you want to be (too sexy, trashy, etc.)

How to meet likeminded people?

Be aware of the events going on in your city (or others if you plan on traveling somewhere) and go to places that resonate with the lifestyle that you want

Sign up for workshops and classes about things that you enjoy doing or want to get better at (ex: yoga, cooking, arts, ballet, pole dancing, etc.)

Join bumble BFF, MeetUp or other tech platforms that would help you meet people

Volunteer with a local nonprofit

Find a church or other spiritual service

Go out often and always smile and look approachable (no resting bitch face) + have on a nice perfume.

Elegant lounge and have a drink while reading a book

Go out shopping and if you see a girl who seems nice, ask her if the dress that you want to buy would suit you

Go to an nice coffee shop and work there

Sign up to group classes and always look your best and approachable

Specific to dating

Dating apps (not more than 2 at the same time) ex: bumble, tinder, blk, match.com, POF, etc.

Always look your best and go out often in the nice area of time. (grocery shopping, gym, restaurant, cafés, malls)

Look up conferences or other big events that high earning men will attend and make sure to be there or to have lunch somewhere close

Have a roster of minimum 3 guys

[tem-per-ance]

February

Hello hello!

I’ve been meaning to come back here since December but life happens and I got so busy.

Was planning to make a recap of what happened in my life last year but I got so lazy that I did not do it hehe.

So going back to February. Every year whenever this month comes by, I always feel like I am lost. Lost in everything. Starting to overthink everything then I feel like I am having an impostor syndrome. I don’t know what I am doing in my life, if I am doing the right thing? What path should I take, why I am so afraid to leave my comfort zone?

I have no proper sleep each day, rest for a couple of hours then I would wake up feeling just tired. Work is being toxic. I’m just being stressed about everything. I find myself crying in the shower just to release my emotions because people thought that I have my life figured out. Who does??!

Tried journalling this year but I really suck at consistency lol. So yeah, I think I need to find a new job. Move to a new place? Maybe WFH is not healthy for me anymore.

Rant is all over the place like my mind. Will not proofread this, just a dump.

Annyeong!

[nayarainchapters]

SUMMER BREAK ROUTINE

For those who don’t know, I am a history teacher and I am currently living in Brazil. Our school year calendar is different from the US and Europe; we start in February/March and end in December. So, right now, I am home, recharging. Soon, we will start again, so I am dedicating my time to myself. I am trying to build healthy habits and be more disciplined.

That’s why I decided to change things a bit here. According to my solar revolution, 2022/2023 will be all about self development. I am going to become better, already am better than I was last year, so, yeah, I can feel the difference. Slowly and steady, folks!

I never had any problems with waking up early, in fact, I love it. I am much more productive when I do so. But after the holidays, it’s been hard to get up before 7. I am falling asleep again and this cannot happen. I used to be up by 6 and I want my old routine back. That’s my main focus right now.

Once I am up, I brush my teeth, drink water, around 500 ml, and take my journal to write everything that comes to mind, sometimes the dream I had and my interpretation, what I am feeling or a song that is playing in my head and I don’t know why. This method is called Morning Pages, and I am loving it. If you want to know more, read here.

Once I am done, I take a shower, stretch and have breakfast. After that, I clean and organize my house, and then I take 30 minutes to workout. If I am the one in charge for lunch, that’s what I do after working out, if not, I will focus on the article I am writing on Film History. And the morning is over.

Now that I recall that in January I didn’t have much time to focus on my article because it was not the only intellectual thing I was doing. I took courses and, logically, I was tired. Filling every little hour of my day is not helpful at all. I am sure it will be better in February. This is something to keep in mind.

I don’t have a lot to do during the afternoons now, sometimes I watch football or series, learn a bit about witchcraft, astrology or any other topic, spend time on social media (instagram, youtube, twitter, whastapp) or just resting. After midday the time flies.

My nighttime routine is about hygiene and organizing my room. And in between these, I meditate, but I will try to meditate right after working out cause by the end of the day I always think: oh no, still have one thing to do. But I do it. I didn’t fail any time last month. Once my room looks decent, I put my phone aside, usually around 21h, and read a book until I fall asleep. 

There are a few adjustments I want to make, new habits to add, but overall, I am happy with what I am doing. I just need to keep going. 

I am fighting for my fairytale, guys. Great things are coming.

[supervoldejaygent]

Safe Haven ~ Day 1: Safe House

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Sam Wilson x ex!Agents of SHIELD!Reader

Word Count: 1.6K

Summary: After the latest Avengers battle, Fury gives a safe house order, landing them at the Reader’s cabin

A/N: Hello my lovelies! Welcome to a fic that I thought of writing 3 years ago before pushing it to the bottom of my WIPs! So, this series is going to be 14 parts as they are in the safe house for 14 days. I probably won’t be posting a new part consecutively, but I am trying to have a fic in my drafts every time I post something new. So yeah, hope y’all like this fic and the series! Enjoy (:

Next

~ ~ ~

It was late February when the knock landed hard on her door. Always the cautious one, (Y/N) held her handgun in front of her. She drew into the first position when the knocks hit harder. As she got closer to the door, her footsteps grew quieter, soon becoming light as a feather.

(Y/N) leaned against the oak door and peered through the glass eyehole. From what she could see, it was a large group, about ten. As she surveyed the beaten, whispering group, she gasped upon seeing their leader’s face.

Iron Man. Tony Stark.

His face was badly bruised and a small cut that was probably deeper than it looked tore into his forehead. He lifted his hand to knock a third time when (Y/N) spoke.

“Password?”  her gun still tightly gripped in her hands and ready to use if needed. 

Tony sighed. “Safe House.”

Tucking her gun into the back of her jeans, (Y/N) unlocked the elaborate locks on her door before slightly opening it. The group turned their heads at the noise, giving (Y/N) an actual look at who she was dealing with.

The Avengers. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.

Feeling overwhelmed by all the people, (Y/N) opened her door enough for one person to walk in at a time. The harsh winter air hit her like a steel wall, as she was only in a long sleeve and jeans. Wanting to get everyone inside as quickly as possible, starting with Tony, she beckoned them all in before closing the door.

Finally done locking it down, she turned to face them, looking over at Tony.

“How long?” she asked.

“Two weeks.” (Y/N) sucked a breath in. Two weeks was long for anyone to be stranded in a safe house. With the Avengers? There was little hope she wouldn’t go crazy. 

Facing them all once again, she cleared her throat, gaining everyone’s attention.

“Alright everybody,” she started, her voice barely up a volume from when she asked for the password. “Listen up and listen well. My name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and I will be your safe house for the next two weeks. I understand you’re all very tired, and from the looks of it, have had a tough fight. I understand that these next two weeks will also be difficult with everyone in close quarters. 

“I do have a few rules to get us started that will help endure everyone’s safety. Number one, everyone must be up by nine. I’ve had a lot of people hauled up here for long periods and one thing I’ve gathered is if there’s no wake-up call, people don’t see a reason to get up at all. Number two, everyone must be active for at least thirty minutes every day. There will be a sign-up sheet posted by the back door every morning. You must sign your name in order to go out, and please cross it out when you come back in. 

“Number three, there is no yelling allowed. I don’t want any unexpected visitors, I’m sure none of you want any unexpected visitors. So please keep your voice at a decent volume. If anyone is caught yelling or raising their voice too high, we will go into lockdown, which I will go over with you guys later tonight. And lastly, although I feel like this goes without saying, this is a shared living space. Please treat it as you would your own house and clean up after yourselves. You are all grown adults, I shouldn’t need to tell you to clean up your mess, but I will if I need to. Any questions?”

The heroes all shook their heads, too tired to argue.

(Y/N) nodded. “Okay good. Now, before I let you all roam free and clean up, I will need everybody’s name. It can be your real name, last name, your hero name, whatever. I just need something to call you all by.”

Tony started, simply giving his first name. 

Then Steve, Natasha, and Sam were next. 

Thor, Bucky, Wanda, and Vision followed.

Leaving Clint and Bruce to bring up the rear.

“Sweet. You guys are all good to go. There are two bathrooms. One on your right, and one downstairs on your left. Let me know if you need help with anything or have any questions.”

All nodding, they divided up, six going to the first bathroom and four going to the second. (Y/N), happy with her start-up work, made her way to the kitchen for a snack, only to find Vision following her.

“Ms. (Y/L/N)?” he asked his eyes slightly with worry.

“(Y/N) is fine,” she said, feeling a little off-put with such a formal name. 

“Okay, then, (Y/N). I do not need to shower or clean up, but my friend, Wanda, was badly injured in the fight, and I’m not sure how to handle such things.”

Closing the fridge and ultimately forgetting about finding a snack, (Y/N) bent below, opening up the cabinet below the sink and pulling out one of her many emergency aid kits. 

“Where is she?” She followed Vision as he led her to the downstairs bathroom, seeing Natasha and Steve hovering over Wanda. Natasha's hands were pressing against Wanda’s side with a towel as Wanda did her best to not cry out in anguish.

“Jesus Christ, Vision!” (Y/N) scolded, quickly dropping to her knees to assess the wound. “Why didn’t you stop me during my Welcome Speech? I would’ve gladly covered that stuff later if I knew she was injured!”

“No one knew,” Steve said, quickly coming in to rescue Vision. “She didn’t say anything until we made it down here.”

(Y/N) only nodded while she gathered all the supplies she needed and focusing on the task at hand. Directing jobs at them to help stop the bleeding and clean it before it got infected. It wasn’t as deep of a cut as (Y/N) originally thought, having it all patched up within the hour. After wrapping Wanda’s torso, she gave the witch some painkillers, ordering her to take two a day with each meal.

“I’ll change your bandages tomorrow morning, and then every three days so we can avoid any growing infections.”

“Thank you,” Wanda replied, having finally spoken to (Y/N) who had been talking to her three friends throughout the whole ordeal. (Y/N) then ordered one of them to take her upstairs to the room closest to the bathroom in case of any more emergencies, before assigning Natasha as her roommate.

With that fire put out, (Y/N) pulled out her sanitary gloves and began to clean the bathroom, ridding it of any lingering bacteria. Lost in her own world, she was startled when someone else knocked on the door.

Turning around, she caught sight of Sam. He was leaning against the doorway and (Y/N) took note of the small cut above his eyebrow.

“Do you happen to have any small band-aids that can help me with this?” he asked, pointing to the cut. (Y/N) nodded, bending down to grab another first-aid kit underneath the sink. “How many of those do you have?”

“There’s three in every room and there are ten rooms in total. So, about thirty that I’m using. I have about ten or so backups in my shed.”

Sam whistled. “That is a lot. Why so many?”

(Y/N) sadly smiled. “I’ve been doing this for about ten years now. In my fight to keep heroes and agents safe, I’ve lost a few along the way. I don’t intend on losing anyone anymore. I need to be prepared for every situation. If that means I need fifty emergency and first-aid kits, then so be it.”

“That’s a big responsibility.”

“Yeah, but it keeps me sane.”

“How sane can you be after losing those you cared for?”

(Y/N) sighed, finding the band-aid she was looking for and carefully placing it over the cut on Sam’s eyebrow. “When I know, I’ll tell you.”

Sam nodded, knowingly, before thanking and informing her that everyone was about done cleaning themselves up and now looking for a change of clothes.

“Uhm yeah, just have everyone write their sizes down and I’ll go grab some clothes from the shed.”

After the long day had ended, everyone now in sweatpants and sweaters and warm bowls of food in their hands, (Y/N) decided it was a good time to go over being in lockdown.

“Okay,” Clint started, his dish on the coffee table in front of him. “So, basically, everyone, except you, is to go to the basement and keep quiet until you give the all-clear?”

“Yes, basically.”

“Well, that seems like no problem.”

(Y/N) shook her head. “It seems like no problem, but all of you are superheroes and for some reason, have a hard time following directions when danger is near. I know it all sounds easy, but I really need all of you to understand that if I place the cabin on lockdown, you are to do everything I say no matter what you hear. Understood?”

They all nodded, looking more solemn after her enforcing words. 

(Y/N) wasn’t trying to make it seem like they were going to have a bad time while they were here, or make them seem like prisoners, but she found it was the most effective way to get them to listen to her. Because in hindsight, it didn’t matter if she was taken or killed. What mattered was that the heroes she was protecting went back home alive and well. And that was something they were all going to have to live with.

[embrassemoi]

Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 17

Pairings: Sirius B, Remus L, [F]Reader  Content: Language, possible errors A/N: slight head-hopping

Masterlist: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Chapter 17: The Stalking Map 

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January 31st, 1976 | 11:30 pm

“Move your arse over!” Lily whispered. Moments after the lights went out, she crawled out of bed, her silky nightgown dragged across the floor as she walked over to Y/N. In one hand, she held a pillow, the other, Toulouse.

Y/N giggled, scooting over. “Can't get enough of me?”

“Hush! You know what I mean,” she blushed. Lily slipped in, the bed dipped as she wiggled around, making herself comfortable. But the small size didn’t help as they were slightly cramped together, leaving little space for either girl to move. Y/N made a note to herself to charm her bed so it’d be larger.

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February 2nd, 1976 | 12:23 am

“You really shouldn’t cram studying like this.”

A candle burned brightly inside their closed curtain drapes as Y/N continued to stress over an upcoming test.

“You’re smart — but you’re lucky if you manage a troll.”

“Be anymore encouraging, will you?” Y/N muttered out sarcastically.

Lily rolled her eyes, getting up from her pretzel seated position as her hand reached out, disappearing beyond the curtain drapes. Leaning over and supporting herself by gripping the bed frame, she grabbed a coffee pot and two teacups, pouring a steaming amount into each. She handed her one, Lily’s eyes squinted, her tongue poking out in thought before beginning. “So, five birds will be ejected from the wand with a blue light…”

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February 4th, 1976 | 1:12 am

They stared at each other for a moment before Lily’s mouth twitched upwards. The silence only lasted for a few beats before they both erupted into roaring laughter so strong that they had to lean into each other to prevent themselves from rolling off the bed.

“No. You. Didn’t!” Y/N exclaimed.

“What was I supposed to do? Not punch him?!” “Precisely!”

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February 5th, 1976 | 10:59 pm

Lily danced, jumping around on her bed. Her bright hair bounced around wildly whilst Y/N held her wand, pretending it was a microphone. One earbud was in Lily’s ear, the other in hers.

‘Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted!’ They mouthed to each other, despite there being a silencing spell around Lily’s bed.

‘Blue since the day we parted,

Why? Why? Did I ever let you go?

Mamma Mia now I really know!’

Y/N took her hands, pretending to play chords as if she were in front of an actual piano, mimicking the erratic backtrack. Lily shook with laughter before she slowly sank onto the bed as her hair sprawled out.

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February 9th, 1976 | 12:17 am

“Ginger —”

“I consider that harassment and bullying. Do you know how many detentions I can give you?”

“Haha — ginger.”

“Ten points from Gryff —” “No —” “TWENTY POINTS FROM —” “I’M SORRY!”

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February 11th, 1976 | 1:37 am

“What do you wanna know?” She whispered.

Speckles of starlight slipping through the cracks of their drapes. Lily, for whatever reason, seemed restless. It always seemed like whenever it was extremely early in the morning, there was a change in Lily’s demeanour.

Lily averted her gaze, biting her bottom lip, “Tell me a secret.”

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February 12th, 1976

After almost two weeks of their almost nightly rendezvous, they’d gotten closer than they have in the past six months and it seemed like Lily knew her better than she did at times.

Lily was practically bouncing off the walls. Every day, she seemed to become more radiant, happier, bubblier and Y/N couldn’t help but wonder what caused such a spike in her mood.

The redhead wove their way out of the bustling crowd, her arm linked with Y/N’s. She’d caught a few times, Lily looking at her every now and then before she seemed to stare for a little longer than what was considered polite. She’d forced a cough, fiddling with a strand of hair with her free hand; looking everywhere — or at anything, but her.

Sometimes Y/N felt and sounded like a broken record.

Repeating her thoughts over and over again, analyzing herself and the people around her; overthinking causing loads of unanswered questions… It was a problem that she didn’t know how to switch off.

Sometimes, it’d become too overwhelming, even to the point of tears in frustration and the constant overthinking. It would start with a flicker of interest, morphing into a spiral of questions, then irritation before spreading through her veins like a wildfire, spiking with anxiousness or fury. But recently, her over-thinking wasn’t necessarily overwhelming or maddening, this time it was purely curious. It was as if she blinked an eye; suddenly Lily would be acting fine — normal to becoming strange and skittish within mere seconds.

Perhaps it was stress?

February began and the workload for the OWLs was beginning to wear down on everyone. To be dramatic, every day became a blur, all merging into one blob: wake up, head down to the hall, class, lunch, class, study — then become too overwhelmed from studying and have the urge to cry or yell, dinner, study more, then sleep. With hardly any time to retain the information and the OWLs set to start late May, Y/N’s main goal was to memorize every bit of information rather than learn what it meant; that was for another time.

Whenever the fifth or seventh years weren’t in class, they were studying in the library, the hallways, even at dinner or lunch. It was so busy that the Marauders made it a point to swing by — even Mary and Marlene were becoming frequent visitors too. Mostly, they studied, but other times it ended with Lily constantly threatening James with detention (which he already received one and lost around forty house points after starting a small fire — which nobody knew how it even happened), Peter brought baked goods but ended up spilling a cup of tea over his notes and robes; Sirius and Marlene often mucked around while Y/N and Remus begun migrating to the common room after Pince threatened to throw them all out (and honestly, they were tired with everyone else’s shit).

And it had been taking a toll on Lily. She’d lost sleep and was slightly more agitated when it came to those around her and overall seemed to become quieter than usual.

Yeah, it was probably stress, but it didn’t answer her happy mood. Whatever it was, it looked good on her.

That day, they decided to eat lunch away from the Great Hall. They sat on a nearby window ledge, watching students idly as they passed back and forth, all having their own little lives. Y/N’s back was pressed against the window, her knees bunched together as Lily guessed the lives of people around them.

Young students, old students, some smiling, some frowning. Usually, Hogwarts was almost too overbearing. The swarm of bodies clung together like magnets, hard to separate, hard to pull yourself away from because soon enough, you’ll be roped into another set of magnets. While Hogwarts had been smaller in size and population compared to Ilvermorny, you could never catch a break here.

But, in times like these, they were able to come down from the high. It was fascinating and oddly calm; the noise, the chatter, it all became background noise.

And like a magician, Remus popped out, walking towards them. Lily waved Remus down, inviting him to sit with them. Although, Peter wasn’t that far behind as he came bouncing up behind. A few people waved to him, he’d even stopped a few times to catch up with a few students that passed.

Remus took the free seat next to Y/N, Peter next to Lily.

“Bloody cold here,” Peter said, rubbing his shoulder up and down, handing each girl a muffin before Remus, but he declined, waving around a small bag of blackberries.

Lily and Peter quickly fell into a conversation while she and Remus turned to talk. His leg brushed against hers before ripping away quickly. Even with just the slightest touch, Remus was a furnace. Y/N quickly looked up to him, their eyes meeting shortly. Her eyebrow curled up at him, wondering why he was so warm; had he been sick? He didn’t look bad…

She hadn’t been spending that much time with him as of late, aside from the study groups. But he smiles broadly. There was a weariness on his face that seemed to have chased away immediately. “Noon.”

“Noon! How have you been?”

His smile turns even brighter, so much as he could rival the stars. There’s a certain playfulness in his eyes, devilishly and sly. He looks too eerily like James, but it only tells her that he’d come up with another prank recently.

“Great,” there is amusement in his voice, so smug, so confident. “Came up with a new prank idea.”

Bloody knew it, as he’d would say.  

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, let’s just say that there’s going to be a lot of dungbombs, Polyjuice potions and probably explosions.”

“Explosions?!”

“You’ll see.” Again, sounding so confident and smug. It put a smile on her face. “So what about you?”

Her mind racks around for a while; nothing much has happened recently; she’s stumped.

He considers her for a moment with a soft gaze, completely understanding. “We’re planning to mix in Polyjuice potion with pumpkin juice on Valentine's day at dinner. When the person drinks it; they should turn into who they fancy.”

“So where do the explosions come in?”

Remus gives a deep chuckle, “Now I can’t give away all my secrets, can I?”

But before she could make a witty retort, perhaps even convincing him to spill his deets, Peter calls out to Remus, pointing discreetly to a girl looking at them directly from the other side of the corridor. They all recognized her from the study group, a fourth year that comes on Wednesdays. She waved over to them — well, actually just at Remus as her other hand grasped an item behind her back.

He waves over, hesitantly getting up, “I’ll be back.

This wasn’t unusual — since he ran most of the fifth year groups, Remus constantly had younger students approach him in the halls. Although, they were all starstruck; after all, he was tall, a bit scary and a part of the oh so intimidating Marauders.

Their eyes were glued to his back as they watched the interaction play out. The girl tipped back and forth on her feet, swaying as she shyly looked up to him. She went on to a small monologue before pulling out a heart-shaped box of chocolates and holding it in front of herself.

Lily sucked in a sharp breath, a hand flying to her mouth to prevent giggling to seep out and the young girl overhearing, but it was out of entertainment rather than any malicious intent. Remus, however, did not look too phased, however, gave a pitiful smile, thanking the girl for her confession but letting her down softly. Within a second, the girl’s face contorted, her eyes swelling up with thick tears as she threw the chocolate box at Remu’s chest — but missed, scattering to the ground, as she bolted down the corridor.

“Blimey,” Peter breathed out, “That’s the third one this week. He’s going to beat Sirius for Valentine’s day confessions at this rate.”

“Well this is awkward,” Remus said, coming back to the group. He had picked up the box, an uncomfortable grimace on his face as he turned it around. Y/N looked up at him; he was flustered, unsure what to do. So, she patted his shoulder, gaining his attention and slid the box out of his hands and cracked it open; they were all sorts of different chocolate, milk, white, dark, truffles, shavings, even some had coconut while others were biscuits covered in it. It was intended for Valentine's day judging by the intricate and soft velvety packaging but she assumed that poor girl simply couldn’t refrain.

Yeah, she definitely should’ve waited — or not have said anything, but at least she had nerve. It felt like Y/N lacked the so-called Gryffindor trait often, so if anything, she applauded that fourth year.

The group looked at her oddly as Y/N shrugged, plopping a piece into her mouth. “What? Expensive chocolate is still expensive chocolate.”

She took the box, stretching her hand out, offering it to the group.

“Nu-uh,” Lily blurted, her wands waved out in front of her, “There’s no way I’m eating that.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you feel bad?! And that must be bad mojo! You broke her heart; why did you take the box?”

“Surely you saw her throw it at me! You didn’t expect me to throw it back at her?”

Lily stopped her scold, suppressing another fit of giggles before letting out a very loud snort. Y/N and Peter howled together at careless, ‘improper’ lady laughs that Lily usually didn’t make. Y/N liked the change, she seemed freer.

“Well, do you fancy anyone then?” Lily retorted as she composed herself.

Remus snorted too, scooted over to Y/N as she offered him the box. He nodded, grabbing a small bite-sized chocolate piece. He rubbed at his collarbone in a sheepish manner, cracking it which made Y/N and Peter's face scrunch up. “What do you think?”

“You should go and date around. Honestly, you have all these women at your feet and you’ve never gone on one.” Peter added.

“Yes, yes!” Lily urged, “Listen to him!”

“You guys care more about this than I do.”

If James and Sirius were the most popular students, James being goofy while Sirius was a playboy, and Peter had the most friends, Remus was definitely the most well-liked Marauder and the one with the coolest reputation; something that James was certainly jealous of. But the fact that he seemed oblivious to it, Y/N found hilarious and humbling, very unlike his friends.

His head shook. “Well then, what about you two. Do you fancy anyone?”

They both went red immediately. Peter bit the inside of his cheek before Y/N shoved the tray of chocolates his way; he grabbed a handful, eating them in complete silence. Lily, well, she went completely still, almost as if Remus had shot a spell at her. She coughed, looking away uncomfortably as a nervous chuckle embedded its way out.

Y/N’s eyes widened and she and Remus immediately whipped their heads to look at each other. Their mouths gaped, closing and opening like goldfish. Both of their minds reeled, thinking about the same thing. Remus snapped his head back to Lily, his finger pointing at her. “Godric! You do!”

“I-I do not! I don’t fancy anyone!”

“Spill! What’s he like?” Remus asked. They kept probing her for questions, in hope of an answer but she wouldn’t budge.

“Is it Potter?!” Peter asked, his happy mood dimming but he forced a chipperly grin.

Remus was choking on air itself, “You’re taking the piss!”

They all looked at her in burning anticipation. If it was true, James was going to have a field day. Lily’s eyes widened, reaching over to grab the lid of the chocolate box and wacked Peter with it.

They were a mess of giggles, particularly Remus and Y/N who watched Lily berate Peter for the sheer mention of James. They basked in the safe feeling of the sunlight on their skin, the warmth spreading through them and rivalled the bitter chill.

As more laughter erupted, memories created, chocolate eaten, the bell eventually rang. Lily parted off with Marlene and Peter, both in the small class, as Y/N joined Remus.

“You think it’s Potter? Can’t be, can it?”

“I think he’d cry if it was.”

“Truly, he’d go mental.”

“Or maybe Lily’s gone mad.”

Remus shrugged, a smirk tugged at his lips, “Perfect match then.”

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Y/N slumped over her textbooks, watching as Bowie the Bowtruckle climbed into her hand. She hardly paid attention to what Kettleburn droned about.

“Alright! My pupils, listen up; next week, we’re starting a group project for the OWLs. But, I will be the one assigning the partners — oh don’t give me those faces! I have picked your partner based on grades and strengths. Ultimately you will both work together on hatching a Puffskein and care for it. It will be ongoing alongside the rest of your OWL studies and other projects I will assign.

“You will be graded on the overall health and happiness of your Puffskeins. We have gone over their care for a while and I think we’re ready to start. Remember to refer back to your books and do not hesitate to ask me. I have all your equipment ready to go next week.”

Kettleburn coughed, unfurling a piece of parchment with what the class assumed was a list of names.

“To start, Dorcas Meadowes and Lucinda Talkalot —”

Great.

Kettleburn continued to list name after name. Y/N brought a finger to Bowie, letting him touch her gently.

“ — Crabble and Evan Rosier.

“Amita Patil and Edmud Brown.

“Sirius Black and Y/N L/N.

“Susan Chang and Agnes —”

Wait.

Her eyes widened, sharply turning to Sirius who already stared back. Both of their mouths were agape. She hadn’t heard wrong.

“Now, don't ask me to change partners. I will do no such thing. We'll talk more about this next week. Class is dismissed — don’t forget about your paper due on Tuesday!”

Y/N watched as the class got up from their seats, her shoulders slumped dejectedly. Quickly, she stood, walking to the door and pushed the assignment quickly out of her head. But once reaching the door, a Slytherin knocked into her. His hands were pushed out, causing her books and notes to sprawl over the floor as he scoffed down.

“Sorry,” she groans out, “I didn’t mean —”

“Watch where you’re going, stupid Muggle.” With a sharp turn, Crabble walked away with a nasty smile.

Sirius had seen the entire ordeal go down, finding himself stuck at a crossroad; it took all the effort in the world to prevent himself from walking straight up to the boy, hexing him beyond belief, but casting a glance at her, struggling to process what just happened caused him to reassess his thoughts. Instead, he took a deep inhale, noting to himself to take care of that later, and strode towards her, dropping down as he picked up her books, shoving them neatly into her bag while collecting any loose sheet of parchment.

“You okay?” He asked with a voice so gentle it could have been mistaken for a whisper. He turned his head upwards to look at her.

Her eyes were foggy, a faraway look in them, completely in shock.

Sirius wasn’t sure what compelled him to, but his hand reached over, picking up her hand delicately in reassurance. His thumb stroked over her soft skin and helped to pull her to her feet.

The touch broke Y/N out of her daze; the physical contact caused both students to have a fuzzy, odd feeling settling at the pit of their stomachs. 

His touch was so soft, so gentle despite his eyes brimming with rage that almost seemed feral.

But, she hardly noticed it as she nodded weakly, jaw clenched. Her mind reeled, attempting to process her emotions — completely baffled and shocked. It was so sudden she felt like she hadn’t had time to digest the situation. Muggle… the Slytherin used it in such a derogatory manner. A word meant to simply describe her sounded bitter — disgusting and low.

Sirius pulled back quickly, the hand flying straight up to his hair. A thought passed through his head, he wanted to reach out again, but he squashed it for more important manners.

“Are you okay?” He repeated.

“Why are you helping me?” She blurted out before she could stop herself. It was the only coherent thought she had at the moment. Sirius out of all people should be laughing at her, shouldn’t he? Being a Pureblood and all…

The comment and the way her eyes judged him quickly told him all he needed to know. A panged sigh went through him.

“Look,” Sirius grew stiff, “I —” he paused, “I may not particularly like you, but I don’t like blood purist arseholes who push women more.”

With another once over, Sirius checked for any scratches or injuries before calming down. “I can take you to the Hospital Wing. It was a nasty fall.”

She shook her head again. The last thing she wanted was for them to get along only out of pity. Sirius understood, handing over her bag and walked away. She watched as his hand clutched the straps of his bag; his grip was so tight that his knuckles were white. His other hand, the one that he touched her with, flexed several times before curling into a fist.

━━━━━━━━━༻☽༺━━━━━━━━━

Currently, she sat by the window ledge in the common room, writing a letter to her mother. Although, her mother hadn't responded to her letters since December. In fact, her mother had only responded to two of her letters throughout her stay; about six months. It made Y/N bitterly press her lips into a thin line. For once, it’d feel nice for her own mother to prioritize her, to make her feel more important than her work.

Blood-red silk curtains nearly swallowed her whole, letting in the little light from the stars outside. The fireplace and chandelier were lit and she could scarcely make out the familiar figure of messy hair, two tufts sticking out like always, swinging an arm over her shoulders. He whined, “Oi! Evans has been stealing you! I feel like I’ve hardly talked to you the past week!”

“Jealous much?”

“Of course,” he said sarcastically, “Anyway, I, the James Potter, your best friend —" "Right." "— am inviting you on a prank. In or out?”

“In,” she said without hesitation. After the Muggle situation, she would do anything to get it out of her head, even for just a few hours. She immediately got up from her seat, walking out the portrait hole. James threw his invisibility cloak over them.

“What are we doing? Is it Remus’ prank we’re doing now?”

James turned to her, his eyebrows deep in confusion. “He told you about that? He hardly tells us before the day of the execution. Anyway, anything you want.”

“Anything I want? What about your boy band?”

He looked over to her in confusion, sliding out a small bag filled with both of their favourite snacks, tossing it to her. “Not coming, just us. Although Remus is on patrol tonight and his mini-gift to you — or er — us, he’s making sure that the Gryffindor and Slytherin floors are cleared from teachers. Should go off without a hitch. So, I’ll ask you again, what do you have in mind?”

“Pranking the Slytherins,” she said without a pause which caused James to grin.

“Atta girl! Learning from the best!”

The prank itself was small in comparison to the prank she helped with on Halloween. Y/N decided on having the prank in the Great Hall for everyone to see. James produced about a dozen dungbombs from his bag, setting it under the Slytherin table and placing a timer on it, ready to be set off in the morning.

But she insisted on the one Slytherin from earlier. Crabble, was it? She asked James to help her give him a little bit more misery than the others. They placed a dozen hexes and jinxes on his usual seat: hair lost jinx, jelly legs, horn tongue hex, Engorgio, twitchy ears, bedazzling hex —

Right now was not the time for Y/N to forgive and forget — revenge was beautiful, fulfilling; she couldn’t wait.

But, their only downfall was that they weren’t on the floors Remus had cleared out for them. So when Mrs. Norris came up to them, only to dash out of the hall, it caused the two pranksters to finalize their escapade before James grabbed her hand and fled the scene.

They ran throughout the empty corridors as the clicking of their shoes echoed throughout the corridor. They were both laughing, smiling brightly. They ran past the Bloody Baron and Nearly Headless Nick, woke up most of the portraits before they heard the vague sound of Filch’s screaming.

“COME BACK HERE!”

“YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO CATCH US!” Y/N shouted, which had James snickering.

He whipped his head around and placed two hands around his mouth to make his statement louder, “YOU MUST BE LOOKING FOR A GALLEON, EH?! RENT BOY!”

After an abundance of sharp twists and turns, passing by countless hallways and secret tunnels, James seized a blank piece of parchment from his back pocket. He muttered a few words, opening it and ran down another set of corridors, through a tunnel and outside of the castle.

“What are you doing?!”

“Just trust me!”

There wasn’t even a moment’s hesitation: Y/N had grown to trust James a long time ago.

They ducked under an overhead from the castle, far away from Filch. Their ragged breaths filled the air before Y/N snatched the parchment from James’ grasp. “What is this?”

A panicked look flashes through James before he reaches over, trying to pry it from her grasp.

“Nu-uh!” She waved in front of her.

He sighed, realizing that he wasn’t going to get it back and that lying was the worst possible option. “You can’t tell anyone — my chaps will have my head if you do —”

“Who do you think I am?! Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course,” he rolled his eyes at her guilt tripping, “It’s a map we all created — er — Moony was the one to create it. He came up with it and did most of the work. Anyway, it tells us where everything and everyone is at every minute of the day.”

On the front, it read in maroon colours of the boy’s code names, Moony at the very front.

Moony — Remus… always a surprise.

James opened it, flicking it open as he pointed to a pair of animated footprints sprinted around the page hurriedly; Filch's name appearing overhead. His name travelled across the paper at a fast pace, running and zigzagging down the halls in the opposite direction. And by the looks of it, Peeves was following him. Above, they could see Remus’ name close to where they used to be, his name moving quickly in what both assumed was him trying to look for them. He must’ve heard the screaming.

It truly was amazing their little map. She marvelled at the classrooms, every hallway, every inch of ground that covered the surrounding area. Passageways, hallways, doors and abandoned classrooms were all there. Although, a few areas were missing. She noticed how the little nook underneath the tapestry nor a large plot of land close to the left-wing of the castle had yet to be mapped out.

“I proudly present the Marauder’s map.” James boasts.

Her face scrunched up, “You mean the stalking map — perv.”

James faked an offended expression, a hand came to clutch his heart. “I was raised to be a gentleman!”

“Sure thing.”

He was about to make another joke before his face slowly fell upon realization, “Wait, really? Is that why Lily doesn’t like me?” He tugged down on his hair in distress, his eyes looking as if they were to pop out any second. “Do women think I’m perving around?!”

Y/N chortled, prying the map from his hands and slipped back into the castle while having a panicked James follow, completely freaking out in the background, spurting out concern after concern.

She followed the map, walking over to Remus who stood underneath a large painting. He escorted them back to the common room to prevent them from getting any possible detentions and not needing the invisibility cloak. But James continued to babble on about his (alleged and false) creepy behaviour, his emotions spiking while Remus watched the two.

“Okay,” he sighed, observing James have a meltdown as he clung to Y/N’s arm, spewing apologies if he had ever crossed a line. “What did you do? You broke him.”

"Nothing.” 

He didn’t question it but his nostrils flared as he attempted to press his lips in a thin line, his face going as red as Lily’s hair.

[sugako]

c+k: hinata

hinata x f!reader

sum: a long day of many dates with hinata 

cw: 18+ minors dni, nsfw, smut, lots of fluff, mentions of food/eating, fingering, slight exhibition, outside, implied sex, established relationship, l-bombs

wc: 2.2k

a/n: am i posting this 30 minutes before the end of valentines for c+k..yes,,

February 14th with Hinata was always a full day, so it came as no surprise when he shook you from your sleep early in the morning. Even though it was a yearly event you never grew tired of the special moments created each time. You had barely stirred an hour or so ago when he had silently risen to go for a run before the long day ahead. 

“Wake up, cutie, I made breakfast.” He kept his voice low to not disturb you too much, but the excitement was still evident in his tone. Sleep pushed aside you used his strong arms to help yourself sit up and stretch before slinking out of bed. 

“Thanks, Shoyo, I love you.” You clear the sleep from your throat and wrap your arms around him. With your head resting against his chest, still trying to blink the sleep away, you can’t see how big he’s beaming. He holds you close, rubbing away the tension and stress from your back and shoulders. After a long, quiet moment, you pull away and kiss him tightly on the cheek. “Let me brush my teeth and I’ll out, mmkay?” 

“Of course! Just hurry so it doesn’t get cold.” He urges with those perfect puppy dog eyes. You wouldn’t dream of dawdling around or taking your sweet time when you had such a perfect, hardworking boyfriend who obviously put far more effort into everything he did than maybe he should.

He pushed himself in all aspects of life. You hadn’t known him in high school, but he told you stories of his time playing volleyball with the Karasuno team, the first time they lost, all the times they won, and when they went to Nationals his first year. Some of the stories broke your heart to hear. He was hard on himself, something he covered up by his bright demeanor, but you always saw it. 

Sometimes your relationship was just as much of an effort for him as volleyball. He went over the top, pushing himself just a little too far, but it always worked out in the end even if he did stress you out every now and then. So you brushed your teeth a little too quickly and rushed out to the tiny dining area you shared. 

The small spread of your favorite breakfast food, most shaped or cut into messy little hearts. He was sitting, a little impatiently, absentmindedly typing on his phone. A warm smile lit up your face as you made your way over and sat across from him. Before you could even ask who he might be talking to, he threw his phone face down and spoke up. 

“Kenma.” He answered your unspoken question. “Was asking him about something I wasn’t sure about.” 

You nodded, taking a sip of the drink he had set out for you. The two of you dug in, mostly in silence until Hinata spoke up again.

“After this, we can go to the park to walk. If you want.” He half-asked and half-said through a bite.

“That sounds perfect, but can I give you my present now if we’re going out?” You stepped away from your finished plate before he had a chance to answer. 

“Yeah, sure!” He nodded quickly. 

You nearly jogged to the guest room where you had hidden his present, hoping that maybe this time he hadn’t snooped. Every year it was more of a game to hide his presents than it was to pick something out for him. This time when you found his gift the careful stack of odds and ends you had placed around it was completely intact and not a thing was out of place. Excited to see him genuinely surprised this time, you quickly shuffled back down the hallway.

You plopped beside him on the floor and handed over the medium-sized box, wrapped up as best you could in your favorite paper. 

“I forgot a card,” you explained as he ripped the paper back, “but I hope that’s okay.” 

His smile nearly dropped when he saw the outside. 

“These...How did you?” He sputtered out, throwing the paper to the side and tearing open the slick cardboard of the shoe box. Under the soft light of your house, his pretty, amber eyes grew glassy and his smile twisted up. “These are sold out everywhere and they were so limited. I don’t… I don’t understand…” 

They were pretty simple sneakers even if they were incredibly nice. He had picked them out forever ago, but they sold out in minutes and after that were near impossible to find. Thankfully, you had been one of the people who got them in the brief seconds they were available. According to the description, they were everything he was looking for in terms of shape, support, function, and even style. 

“I got lucky. Ordered them the second they dropped because I knew you wanted them and it was too late for Christmas and I couldn’t wait for your birthday.” You watched as he pulled them out and carefully inspected every little detail. 

“They’re perfect. They’re so perfect. I could have never imagined… I mean just growing up…” he cut himself off with a small shake of the head and threw himself around you before he got any more choked up. Hot tears stained the shoulder of your shirt as he let himself silently cry it out. He took a big, deep sigh to catch his breath and held you back at an arm’s length to admire you for a moment before pressing a long deep kiss against your lips. Cheeks still damp brushed against yours sweetly. “Thank you. I love you.” He finally said when you pulled away, brushing a stray tear from his cheekbone. 

“You’re welcome, I love you too.” 

...

The walk in the park was short and sweet. Really, he was just taking you to a little spot hidden by some trees and bushes so he could lay out a couple of thick blankets. It hadn’t been quite long enough since your breakfast for a full lunch for you at least, but he was happy to dig into the array of snacks he had packed.

After a second, much longer and slower walk around you found yourself in front of a movie theater. The only thing not sold out was a rough-looking action movie, but it didn’t matter much to either of you. Sitting through the movie, Hinata started stealing little kisses every now and then. Although he was the one who planned these long dates, he found himself wanting to just go home and growing impatient about halfway through every time.

His muscled hand kneaded and toyed with the soft flesh on the inside of your thigh. It wasn’t too distracting at first, but you practically choked on your water when his pinky slipped up and brushed against your clothed center. With a small smirk, he pulled his hand away and opted to lace his fingers with yours instead to hold himself back. 

As soon as the movie ended he rushed you out of the theater and back toward your home. You struggled to keep up with his pace, nearly tripping over your own feet. 

“Sho!” You giggled as he dragged you along behind him. “Sho, slow down, why are we running?!” 

“You’ll see! We have to be on time though.” He grinned back at you, not giving up his speed. 

When you got home he dragged you into the bedroom and made you cover your eyes - asking multiple times and, you assumed, checking to see if you were peeking. 

“Really, I promise. My eyes are closed.” You whined as he helped you sit on the edge of the bed. 

“Okay, okay. One second!”

Staying true to your word, you kept your lids shut, listening to him shuffle across the room. You hummed in confusion when you heard him fiddling in the closet before he headed back to stand before you. In your head, you carded through every possibility, but even though what happened next made so much sense, you were still a little surprised.

“Now open!” He commanded. You moved your hands away and blinked your eyes open, smiling as soon as you saw what he had displayed in his hands. 

“Shoyo…” Held up for you was the prettiest dress you had seen. It was far more expensive looking and far more eloquent than anything you currently own. “Thanks,” you said at last taking the slick fabric into your arms, “but why? I don’t even know where I would wear this.”

He rocked on his heels, trying to hold back a grin. “We had to hurry home because I got reservations at a really nice restaurant. I hope you like it, I didn’t think you had anything to wear, and I wanted to actually get you something real too so it felt right.” 

“How long until we need to leave?” You’re already shucking off your clothes to throw the dress on. Hinata tried to tear his eyes away from your bare chest and body in order to answer you, but it felt impossible. When you shimmied your panties off under the dress, going to the dresser to get different ones, he nearly came undone. “Shoyo?” You asked again, sitting down at the vanity and rushing to get ready. 

“Oh, yeah, uh like twenty minutes.” He managed to squeeze the words out, heading toward the closet for his suit. 

...

You thought dinner might be the end of the night, but you were mistaken. Hinata insisted that he drive home even though you had driven to the restaurant. As soon as he turned out of the parking lot you realized you weren’t going home. 

“Where are we going?” You asked a couple of minutes into the ride. 

“You’ll see, it’s not far. Just to the top of the hill.” 

“The overlook?!” You pipe up excitedly. He knows you love to sit out and look at the stars, especially with him by your side. 

“No, maybe, stop guessing.” He grumbles, putting a hand over your knee. 

The feeling of his rough fingers through the soft fabric of your dress, rubbing little circles into your skin, distracts you from ruining his last portion of the day. A little tired from the day, the two of you remain mostly silent for the rest of the short ride up the hill. 

It was exactly as you expected. Thankfully, the sky was completely clear, and away from the bright city lights, it was much easier to see the stars up here. They glistened and sparkled like little gems against black velvet. Hinata laid out the same blankets from earlier, grabbing out a third to combat the cool night air. 

You snuggled next to him under the plush quilt, pushing your cold fingers under his neatly tucked dress shirt and against his warm, toned stomach. He squirmed under your touch but didn’t make any move to make you stop. 

“C’mere if you’re cold.” He mumbled out, pulling you closer. His hands settled under the swell of your breasts, distracting you from the pretty constellations. Fingers tapped against your skin and fiddled with the fabric of the dress until your breathing was uneven. No one was around, but you couldn’t help feeling a little ashamed that you were panting in his arms out in the open. 

“Sho…” You sigh when he hikes up the skirt around your hips and slides a finger against your clothed slit. 

“You’re really wet, what were you thinking about, hmm?” He groaned, pushing the thin fabric to the side. 

You let out a little gasp when you heard the quiet squelch from between your thighs. The roughened tips of his fingers slipped up and down, spreading the slick around your lips. Not bothering to tease you, he focused in on your clit. Along with putting an amazing amount of effort into the romantic part of your relationship, he did the same with the sexual parts as well. It wasn’t really a bother that he wanted to ‘practice’ that part so much. 

Keening against him, you felt yourself growing closer to the edge. Your pants were coming out louder and whinier now, echoing in the silent night. He eased two fingers in, making sure to press his palm against your throbbing bud. They expertly curled and pumped inside of you, hitting every spot you couldn’t quite get on your own. 

“Come on,” he whispered against the shell of your ear, “cum on my fingers.” 

His words were the last thing you needed to push you just over. When your cunt clenched and pulsed around his fingers he accidentally let out a low moan, imagining how your pretty pussy would feel around his cock. Hips twitched against his hand as he slowed his motions, easing you off your high. You called out his name in a hoarse whisper, grabbing onto the fabric of his pants to steady yourself. 

As you caught your breath, he helped to smooth your dress back out. You rolled over to press a messy kiss against his neck and loosely hold him. 

“Did you have a good time?” He asked quietly, sitting up and helping you with him. The question was sincere, but you could tell he couldn’t wait to get home to finish what you had started. 

“Amazing.” 

[starrybethany]

I’m Sure - Adam Boqvist Imagine Part 5

Word count: 4.0K

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Adam: You followed me

I stare at the three words, blinking with tired eyes. All I want to do is sleep, especially after the day I’ve had with Holden, but the baby decided kicking me was more important. So here I am at four o’clock in the morning checking my social media when I should be getting another three hours of sleep.

I rub my eyes, unsure of how to even respond to the message.

It’s just a statement. I feel flabbergasted by it- really, we haven’t talked in years- well, technically months, but the last time we saw each other we just fucked, and our child went to see him without my knowledge or consent. How the fuck am I supposed to respond to those three words?

Y/N: I think we need to talk.

I sigh, setting my phone down. Might as well get straight to the point. The sooner I tell him about the second baby and ask why he would see Holden without at least running it past me the better. I roll over, pulling the blanket tighter around me. Hopefully I can sleep at least a little bit longer. I’m going to need it to deal with the moody adolescent I’ll be seeing in the morning.

~

“I made some toast and bacon. Just let me just finish cutting up these strawberries and then breakfast will be ready,” I inform Holden as he hops down the stairs.

He picks up the filled plate waiting for him on the table, throwing the food into the trashcan and setting the plate on the counter, giving me an expectant look.

I stare blankly back at him. I know he’s waiting for a reaction. He wants me to blow up so then he feels okay yelling at me instead of starting the confrontation himself. Instead, I just say, “That’s wasteful.”

He rolls his eyes, grabbing his backpack from its usual spot by the door and making his way outside, letting it slam shut behind him. I release the breath that I’ve been holding in, popping a strawberry into my mouth.

I open my Instagram app to catch up on the posts that I’ve missed, freezing when I see that I’ve received a DM. I forgot that I sent a message to Adam last night. Well, technically this morning. After I sent the message, I passed out hard, and I thought the whole thing was a fever dream.

Adam: What about?

Adam: Here’s my number

My fingers tap the screen quietly as I add his phone number into my contacts, saving it and staring at it blankly.

Well. No time like the present.

Before I can even realize what I’m doing, before I can even think things through and decide what to say or whether this is a good idea or not, or hell, even what time it is in Chicago right now, I click on the phone icon.

I curse to myself, raising the phone to my ear. Absentmindedly, my hand raises to my mouth so I can chew on my fingernail. Nail-biting is a nervous habit that I gave up years ago, but I guess old habits die hard.

“Hello?” His groggy voice comes through the phone.

I can’t breathe.

The oxygen gets stuck in my lungs. All I can think about are his hands on my body, sliding down to grip my hips. The twinkle in his eyes as I would pull my shirt over my head.

And not to mention the last time I saw him. His hair is longer than he used to keep it, but it suits him. It looks good on him. And he bulked up since the last time I saw him, too- his abs definitely looked and felt like it, anyways.

“Hello?” He repeats, sounding more awake and borderline annoyed now.

“Adam,” I respond softly, suddenly feeling shy. Come on, where did my confidence go? I’ll need it to get through this conversation.

“Y/N,” he says, all sounds of annoyance out of his voice. “You actually called, I didn’t think that you would-“”Sorry for waking you up,” I blurt out, glancing at the clock and seeing that it’s seven in the morning here. Chicago is an hour behind Philadelphia- it’s what kept me from calling the boys on the team late at night for several years.

“Oh, no, no, don’t you ever worry about that,” he reassures me. It’s quiet. I know he’s waiting for me to speak, to let him know what I want to talk to him about, but I just can’t get the words out. I feel them stuck in my throat, clawing to escape. “So, how’s Holden?”

And there it is.

That question is what spurs me to speak, to dig into the man who hid a huge secret like that from me. But I guess I’m doing the same thing to him now.

“I don’t know, how is he, Adam?” I spit out.

He sighs. He sighs. I want to punch his perfect fucking face.

“If I had realized that you had such a problem with it-“”Such a problem with it?” I repeat, not believing my own ears. Suddenly I’m reminded of why I decided not to tell Adam about this baby and why he wasn’t ready to be in Holden’s life for thirteen years. Hell, it sounds like he’s still not ready.

“My son lied to me about his intentions of going to Chicago, traveled halfway across the country by himself, and saw someone who he’s never met before. Yes, I have a fucking problem with it,” I growl.

“Our son.”

“What?”

“He’s our son. You said my son.”

All I want to do right now is to reach through this tiny screen and hit him upside the head. Really, after I lay out all of my concerns, this is all he has to say to me?

“Whatever. When are you coming to Philadelphia next?” I question. I don’t want to air all of grievances and talk about the new baby over the phone. I’ve had enough communication classes to know that you need to see someone’s nonverbal behaviors instead just hearing what they have to say.

“Why? You want to see me?” Suggestion laces his tone.

No, asshole, you already got me pregnant again.

“Yes. We need to talk about Holden… and some other things,” my voice trails off at the end, not sure how to warn him about such big news.

“Some other things, eh? Well, I’ll be looking forward to that,” he responds, clearly thinking that it’s something regarding us and our relationship, well, our dislike or lust for one another or something, instead of picking up what I’m trying to hint at.

“Cool. So, can you take a trip to Philly sometime soon or are you going to wait until hockey season?” I inquire.

“I can take a trip there, just for you. And Holden, of course.”

I can’t help but let a small smile slip onto my face. That sentence shows me that he’d be a good dad if he just put in the effort. It infuriates me that he’s kept that from Holden for years just because he hasn’t felt like working towards a relationship with his son.

“Good. Let me know when you’re in town so we can meet up.”

“What? You’re not going to invite me to stay with you?”

“Goodbye, Adam.” I hang up before he can respond. All I can imagine the rest of the day is his reaction after that phone call. He would have that small, knowing smile on his face, pulling his phone out of his pocket every five minutes to check and see if he got a new text from me or to send the fifth one in a row to me- one that I still would not respond to.

And my heart skips a beat at the thought of that.

~

It’s been a week since the phone call and since Adam sent me a screenshot of his booked ticket to Philadelphia two weeks from then. For some reason, maybe it’s the stupid, hopeless romantic part in me, I had hoped that he would book his plane ticket and hotel room for that night or even the next day. But he told me he had some ‘lose ends’ to tie up in Chicago before leaving.

And it’s also been a week since Holden has said a word to me. I’ve tried talking to him. I’ve asked him about his day, his friends, cooked him his favorite meals all week, I even offered to take him to Target to get a new video game.

None of that has worked. And it hurts. It hurts knowing that after everything I’ve done for him and everything I’ve sacrificed for him, and how Adam has done none of that, he looks at Adam like a God and me like the scum on the bottom of his shoe.

I know it’s what I’m supposed to do as a mother, care for my son and make sure he’s happy, but it’s just- it’s just- ugh.

I start to feel my blood boil as my mom’s voice echoes in the back of my head. Life’s not fair.

It’s then that I realize that I’ve given him enough space and time to figure out his feelings and how he wants to proceed. I don’t want to give him too much space that he begins to resent me and feel like I don’t care about him.

I know that feeling all too well.

I knock on his bedroom door softly, waiting for him to open it before I just walk in. It creeks open slightly, and just as I expected, eyes matching my mom’s peek out to glare at me.

“Can I talk to you, Holden?”

He doesn’t respond, just stares at me.

“Please, you don’t even have to talk, just listen,” I beg.

Fortunately, he opens the door the rest of the way, watching as I walk into his room and sit gently on the edge of the bed. He sits down on his worn computer chair, laptop open to some video game I don’t recognize on his desk.

“I want to start by apologizing for yelling at you last week,” I begin, taking a deep breath. Apologizing isn’t something that comes easy to me- I grew up in a family where the words ‘I’m sorry’ were unheard of. My parents were always right, and I was always wrong.

“I realize it probably wasn’t easy for you to go to Chicago by yourself to meet your dad. Holden, I just want you to realize that I would do anything to protect you, and I love you with my whole heart so realizing that you were in such an emotionally taxing situation without talking to me about it first-“I pause to sniffle, starting to feel tears well up in my eyes. “I felt helpless. And I couldn’t stop wondering why you didn’t feel like you could share that with me and then I realized that it’s because I don’t share stuff with you either.”

He watches as I lift my sleeve, wiping the tears from under my eyes. His face is still blank, but his eyes look like they’ve softened. He’s understanding my words so far.

“So, yes, this baby is also Adam’s baby. And he did ask about you when I saw him back in February, but I let my pride get the best of me and I told him that he didn’t deserve to see you. I’m sorry for robbing you of meeting your father earlier,” I genuinely apologize, maintaining eye contact with my son.

He shifts in his seat, his hard exterior softening with every word. “Well, I’m sorry for calling you a shitty mother. And saying all of that other stuff. And, if it makes you feel better, I did go to the computer programming camp. I just saw Adam when we had a night off.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

He nods.

“What did he tell you? About not being involved in your life?” I ask carefully, curious as to what Adam told Holden to turn him against me like that.

“He just told me that he was working through some stuff,” he shrugs, acting like he doesn’t care but I know my son well enough to tell that he does. “And he wasn’t ready until recently to meet me.”

I bite my tongue to keep it from releasing an insult towards Adam. “And how does that make you feel?”

“Honestly?” I nod, probing him to go on. “Pretty awful. I don’t think I want a relationship with him, mom.”

A mix of emotions run through my body at his word. I feel anxious, because now I have to tell him that Adam’s coming next week and will want to see him, sadness, because my son now recognizes how his father did not want be involved in his life, and anger toward Adam for making him feel like this in the first place.

“Well,” I cough awkwardly. “He’s coming to Philadelphia next week. I’m going to meet him to tell him about the baby. If you don’t want to see him, you don’t have to. It’s all up to you, bud.”

I stand up slowly, rubbing my belly as the baby begins to kick. He always seems to do that whenever I move even just a little bit- he’s an active little guy.

“Oh,” I turn back around just as I’m about to close the door. “How did you even find out who your father is?”

“Please mom, I’m not stupid,” he grins slyly at me, sliding his headphones onto his neck. “You lived in Chicago when you got pregnant with me and worked for the Blackhawks. I figured, since you said you worked a lot, the only guys you really had a chance to be with were on the team. And when I asked you about my dad for that project for school you said he was Swedish, so I just went to the Blackhawks roster in 2020 and found the Swedish players, messaging them some really uncomfortable and intrusive messages on Instagram.”

I chuckle at that, shaking my head. It will never not blow my mind how clever and smart he is. As I close the door to his bedroom, I hear him say, “On the plus side, Alex Nylander is a really nice guy.”

~

The day is finally here. Being eighteen weeks pregnant makes it really hard to hide my baby bump, but I somehow manage to find a baggy sweatshirt that I’ve stolen from one of my ex-boyfriends to cover it up. I don’t want to walk into the restaurant we’re meeting at and have him immediately know.

Somehow my jeans still fit on my legs, but I have a feeling by the end of this lunch they’ll be unbuttoned. It’s just the way it goes sometimes.

I get to the restaurant before Adam, just like how I planned it. I wanted time to scope out my exits in case I need to bail halfway through this meal- knowing Adam, it’s a possibility. I haven’t thought through what I was going to say too much.

I know I need to talk to him about why he would keep Holden going to Chicago to see him a secret from me, and we need to talk about the baby.

But mostly I just want to hear him grovel. The secret, sadistic part of me wants to hear him beg for forgiveness for making me raise my child by myself for the past thirteen years. I want to hear him admit that he fucked up- I’ve never heard Adam Boqvist admit that he fucked up before.

He shows up two minutes late.

I know because my phone is sitting face up on the table and I click on it every five seconds to see what time it is. I tell myself that if it gets ten minutes past noon and he’s still not here, I’m going home and giving up on dealing with Adam ever again.

But then he’s standing in front of me, familiar toothy grin on his face, black beanie on his shaggy hair, and a bouquet of red roses in his hand.

“You’re late,” I state sternly, not letting any sign of emotion onto my face. I need to let him know I mean business. I need to let him know that I’m never getting into bed with him ever again.

“Yeah, sorry, there was a line at the grocery store,” his grin begins to slip, but as he holds the bouquet out towards me, it takes over his face once again. “I got you these.”

“Thanks.”

I don’t make any movement towards them. His smile falls once again and I begin to feel guilty- he did buy these flowers for me, but he also impregnated me and left me twice.

He slides into the chair across the table from me, setting the flowers on the table and coughing awkwardly. “So, have you ordered yet?”

“Just water,” I respond shortly.

“Do you want to split a bottle of wine?”

“I’m not really a day drinker,” I eye him over the top of my menu, then go back to skimming through the items. It’s a charade, though. I already know what I want.

“Are you two ready to order?” The peppy waitress appears at our side, notepad open in her hand.

“I’ll have the chicken alfredo,” I announce, folding my menu.

“I’ll take that too. And a bottle of your sweetest wine, please,” the blonde orders, passing his menu to the waitress. When she leaves, he turns back to me. “I know you like the sweet stuff.”

I take a deep breath, deciding to cut to the chase. I’d rather get through this meal as soon as possible. The sooner we get done talking about this stuff, the sooner I can get out of here.

“Adam, I’m pregnant.”

He chokes on the sip of water he’s just taken from his glass, water dripping down his chin and landing on the table in front of him. I can’t help but watch with a content smile as he coughs, trying to catch his breath.

“Excuse me?” He utters through coughs, wiping his chin with a napkin.

“I’m pregnant,” I repeat. “I’m due in November.”

“Well, uh, congratulations,” he says unsurely.

I roll my eyes, muttering, “You clearly haven’t gotten smarter since last time.”

He seems to catch on to the hidden meaning behind my comment, his eyes widening. “Oh is it- since we-“”It’s your baby,” I conclude bluntly.

A smirk begins to spread across his face. I can’t believe it. He’s smirking just after I told him that he got me pregnant accidentally for the second time.

“Why do you have that look?” I snap.

“My little swimmers work pretty well, don’t they?” He inquires confidently, sipping from his water and succeeding this time.

I lean across the table, turning it on him. “I don’t know, do they? Are there any half-siblings that I need to worry about?”

The smirk is replaced by a look of genuineness now. It startles me, the sudden change of emotions. “No, it’s you, Y/N. It’s always been you.”

I lean back in my seat, the sudden seriousness too much for me to bear. I fiddle with the napkin sitting next to my glass, avoiding eye contact with him. “Yeah, so it’s a boy.”

“Another boy,” he echoes my very thoughts the moment I found out the sex.

I grin at the thought of my second child. When he’s been kicking me at night and keeping me awake, I think about what he’s going to be like. Is he going to cry a lot or is he going to be a quiet baby like Holden was? Will I have to keep an eye on him every minute or will I be able to get some breaks?

And what about when he’s older. Will he like hockey like his dad? Would he like the Flyers because we live in Philadelphia, or would he like the Blackhawks because his dad plays for them?

“Speaking of boys, how is Holden doing? He hasn’t been responding to my texts lately.” Adam means for the question to sound casual, but I can hear the undertone of worry in his voice. Maybe he isn’t as much of a shitty father as I think he is.

“He doesn’t want to talk to you,” I confess.

He doesn’t bother to hide the hurt on his face. I don’t expect him to. I know how it feels to feel unwanted and unloved by your child- I felt it when Holden told me that I’m a shitty mother. And although Adam deserves the consequences to his actions, I can’t help but feel a small amount of pity for him.

“I deserve that,” he sighs.

“You do,” I agree, knowing that I’m shoving the knife deeper into his heart. “But just give him time to decide what he wants to do. It’s all so fresh to him.”

He gives me a small, vulnerable smile.

“Why didn’t you tell me that he was going to see you while he was in Chicago, Adam?” I ask him the question I’ve been dying to ask ever since I found out about the situation.

He shrugs, not saying a word.

“Yes, you do know,” I persist. “So just fucking tell me. Enough of the bullshit, we’re in our thirties now. It’s time to focus on the children, not your fucking pride.”

He looks baffled by my sudden outburst, but it inspires him to answer. “I was afraid that if you found out, you would stop him. Then I’d never get to meet my son.”

“I would have stopped him,” I agreed, causing him to open his mouth to begin arguing with me. I start to speak again before he can begin. “And reschedule the trip to a time that works better with my work schedule so that I could go with him. Yes, you’re his father, but you’ve never been in his life. You’re essentially a stranger to him.”

He narrows his eyes at me like my words are a challenge. “Not anymore.”

I narrow my eyes at him now. “Really? What’s his middle name? When is his birthday? What’s his favorite color?”

He doesn’t respond and I scoff, taking a sip of my water again. “That’s what I thought.”

We’re quiet as the waitress returns with our meals. I cut my noodles, taking a bite of my food.

“I don’t want it to be that way with this baby,” he says, quickly adding, “And Holden anymore. I want to be there for this baby from the start. Or from now, I guess. And I want to be there for Holden, if he ever wants me.”

Mixed feelings begin to flush through my body. This is what I wanted for my kids from the beginning, an active father figure. And Adam’s offering it now, but why am I still feeling so hesitant?

After years of expecting him to step up as a parent and him never doing it, I have reasonable doubts when it comes to Adam’s parenting ability.

“Well, you know it’s up to Holden. You can’t force him to like you,” I begin slowly, trying to phrase my words in the best way possible. “But with this second baby… we can try it. I have a doctor’s appointment in two days. I’ll text you the address and time.”

“But my flight leaves tomorrow,” he whines. “Can’t you just reschedule for today?”

“You have so much to learn, Adam,” I shake my head. “I just hope you realize that being a parent means that you’re selfless more than selfish. Tell you what, go back to Chicago if you want to. But if you go back to Chicago, the only time you’ll communicate with the boys is when they want to talk to you.”

[songofsaraneth]

an incomplete list of the Bullshit ive gone through this year (2021 only), for personal edification:

I am in grad school trying to do research as well as TA a lab class during a global pandemic

My car is broken into in late February outside of my apartment. $1700+ of my backpacking/camping gear and personal items were stolen from it. Ironically they did not find the $20 cash I had. 

Car battery begins mysterious dying if left overnight and have to call for rescue from AAA 4 separate times over the course of March. I suspect it is related to being broken into but can’t prove it without a mechanic’s diagnostics.

First mechanic I bring my car to does nothing for the entire MONTH they have it, except break my air conditioning of all things. I live in a desert. It is now 90º every day. At one point they call me to say they can’t get the back doors to open. I walk 2 miles back to them from campus and demonstrate how the automatic doors work on a 2005 minivan. I begin to have regrets about my mechanic choice but the sunk fallacy cost keeps me there for several weeks.

Mid march I also wake up one day to severe jaw pain/a weird “loose” feeling, like my mouth is slanting sideways. It is midterms and I do not have time for this, so I take a lot of ibuprofen and eat soup for a week. After 3 days I shove pillows and blankets around my face one night to keep my jaw aligned and when I wake up the next morning it is severely tight instead of loose, and I have to carefully stretch it open whenever I leave my mouth closed for more than an hour. I guess I just have TMJ now.

At this point I am walking everywhere until bike supplies arrive to fix my flat tire since the bike store is too far away to walk to; including walking back and forth to campus since I can only bring 2-4 out of 8 students into the lab spaces at a time and so effectively have to run each weekly lab 2-4 times per week; as well as going back and forth for greenhouse experiment monitoring/helping undergrads on our NASA contest project

Early April I go to the dentist for a crown on one of my back molars, which I must pay for out of pocket because my new dental insurance purchased when I moved last September has a 1-year waiting period and so will not cover it ($1200). Stretching my jaw open so far for the procedure reignites my new TMJ back to high pain levels.

While still waiting on car in mid-April I have a severe averse reaction to the second dose of the Covid19 vaccine, resulting in painful ulceration of all the soft tissues in my body (mouth, stomach, genitals). It is a very bad time for 3 days and I book an urgent care appointment for the first time ever.

Urgent Care nurse-practitioner does not believe me when I describe what’s happening, and misdiagnoses me with herpes.

I am still biking everywhere but now I’m extra mad and in pain about it so take car back from mechanic so I can get groceries etc. I make an appointment with the dealership but it will be a week until they can take it. In the meanwhile I have to drive it every 8 hours so it won’t die which means getting up at 2am to drive it for 20 minutes in the middle of the night so it will still turn on in the morning. 

I have a terrible reaction to the numbing cream given to me for the painful open sores over my body, because of a lifelong mint sensitivity, resulting in an even greater amount of pain

The dealership can fix my car over the following week but its $1800 and now insurance isn’t sure they want to cover it after all

Herpes test comes back negative and nurse apologizes profusely and recommends a non-mint OTC numbing cream alternative that works (yay) and a numbing spray that does not work because it turned out to use an alcohol based propellant which should not be combined with open wounds esp on the genitals (ouch ouch ouch). I try to tell the nurse why I was right about my diagnosis and she was wrong but she still believes it was a latent virus of some other variety and and not an immune response alone, despite the published case studies I have brought to back me up. I decide I have bigger hills I need to die on right now and stop arguing. Sores persist into May but eventually do go down and numbing cream keeps me moderately functioning.

Car is fixed and I can drive again but it takes 2 hours of crying on the phone to my insurance company for them to agree to cover the cost of repair

I make a primary care appointment for the first time in years so I can have a doctor in this state if something like this happens to me again, in June I do intake/bloodwork/set up appointments to check out some other issues ive been having

Grad school finals happen which i wont get into but Yeah. Finals stress triggers another outbreak of canker sores, but mostly clustered in my mouth and only 2 on my vulva rather than 8-12. I eat only soup for another week. 

I get a referral to the local mental health clinic and call about setting up an appointment for an ADHD evaluation. They tell me to download and send in some paperwork and they will call when they have available appointments

I am supposed to be doing all my labwork over the summer but the committee member I need escapes my clutches and we don’t manage to set up a meeting to plan it out/for him to explain the protocols until late June

Bloodwork shows I am critically low in vitamin b12 and low in D, which may explain some of why I am so tired all the time

Ultrasound shows a 1.8cm mass in the adnexa near my left ovary. There are several options for what it can be (folicular cyst, other kind of cyst, tumor, ectopic pregnancy i nearly laugh at my Dr and reassure her the last one is not possible if nothing else). It may go away on its own or it may not. Follow up scan in 2 months

I remember I was supposed to email forms to the mental health clinic and finally send those in mid July. It seems cruel to make me be the one to remember this considering I am calling about a formal ADHD diagnosis.

I also finally pin everyone relating to my labwork down and have a follow up meeting + make a list of what we need to order, but the staff who place orders are on vacation and when they get back several reagents are backordered

I have my follow-up ultrasound. The tech takes lots of photos which indicates the mass is still present, but I won’t know any details until my next PCP appointment when they send over the analysis to her in mid-August

Beginning of August the reagents I need for the first steps of the process arrive exactly 1 day before I leave town for a wedding and the lab manager is about to leave town for the entire next week

After the wedding, severe thunderstorms and tornados trap me in Chicago for 4 extra days. I spend a lot of time at the airport or on my way between the airport and my parents house. A facebook friend gets video of the funnel clouds which at least gives me something to sadly email my advisor and committee members when I have to join our planning meeting from my gate at O’Hare

I lose my drivers license at the security checkpoint on my last trip through the airport and don’t realize until I am boarding the plane because of course that is happening to me now

On the shuttle from El Paso back to Las Cruces after this ordeal the driver stops and picks up a box labeled HUMAN BLOOD and puts it in the trunk and i am too tired to care anymore

I stay up all night making the world’s most pitiful r graphs for my meeting the next morning and everyone takes pity on me and does not call out how useless they are

I spend the weekend trying to motivate myself to actually go into the lab and start my procedures, and fail to leave my apartment. This reminds me it has now been a month (Aug 15th) since I sent in my paperwork and the mental health clinic has still not called me back about up an appointment

I get overwhelmed with Everything and make this list

So that’s where I’m at at the moment. And this doesn’t even include anything from 2020 thats just been continuous like, y’know, a global pandemic and having a bad breakup of a 4 year relationship and moving to a new city where I know no one for grad school etc. I feel like I’m falling apart/unable to do all the shit I need to right now but you know what? Actually its been a really bad time and maybe falling apart a little is justified ;_; 

[kirencer]

febuary seventh (i’m seeing you)

Y/n and Spencer's relationship collide around a single day: the one where they first looked into each others eyes.

[Or, the all of the secret love letters they wrote during the beginning of their relationship]

Word count: (part one and two) 9.2k

Warnings: Language

Rating: Gen audiences

A/N: it was too long for tumblr, so I broke it into two parts!! Enjoy. GN! Afab reader (it’s important, trust me)

Part Two

Y/n looked up. They had just finished reading Spencer’s journal, the one dedicated to them. Spencer was kneeling and in his hand was a small box, the dainty ring he’d gotten years ago from his mom sat in between the white.

“Will you, Y/n L/n, do me the greatest pleasure by marrying me?” Spencer said with his anxiety showing through. Y/n gasped and threw themself at Spencer, wrapping their arms tight around him.

“Yes!” they cried, pulling away for Spencer to slide the ring on their finger. Then they took a deep breath. “Wait here.”

They disappeared into the two’s bedroom, rummaging through some things before running back with a black binder in hand. “It’s only fair if you see my unsent love letters, too.”

Spencer grasped it and flipped the binder open as Y/n guided him to the couch.

“They’re in order but aren’t as neatly organized as yours - I stopped writing before you did, though.”

————————————————

For Spencer Reid, february 8th 2008 10:17 am

It was yesterday, a little more than 24 hours ago at 6 am that I was on a bus. Tiny, white and cramped, but now I realize it was actually a ferry to the love of my life. Even though at the moment all I cared about was when I was going to get to stretch my legs next, it still buzzed with excitement because I was about to be in your city even if you didn’t come to see me, that would’ve been enough. Being three feet away from you is more than enough. Being Two inches away from you is bliss. But your head on my shoulder is nirvana.

But then, only two hours after I had started my d&d campaign (the moon isles or something) there was an urge to look behind me. I tried to ignore it but I looked anyway.

What I saw scared me. Not because I’m afraid of you Spencer, but because I was scared of myself. I wanted to run to you and hug you, but I was too scared of scaring you away that I didn’t. My head seemed to spin as a second glance felt like a hundred years. Then a smile broke out on my face and I looked away. At first I didn’t think it could be you, I half screamed at the two people sitting on the left side of me. “Don’t look now, but my boyfriend’s here” of course they looked and Sophia told me that you were walking over here.

My insecurities flared up, but I remembered that you love me, even though I'm tired and probably covered in acne. She said you sat down behind me and I risked a quick glance, or two, or three times every two minutes. I tried to act as normal as possible even though if I looked back I would see the smile that lifted your cheeks when I looked at you. It was hard to focus on my campaign because it’s cliche, but I could sense you behind me and I was shaking. My friends were hyping me up to say Hi and I was trying to not scream. I ran to the bathroom, splashed water on my face and tried to calm down. I ran back, probably looking a little too excited. Ok, I was totally too excited.

My campaign finished up, you caught me staring at you a few times and my friends told me you were looking at me anytime we all made a loudish noise. After that, you followed us to lunch, well, followed me. You stood beside me and I said Hi, you replied the same. Then you grabbed your stuff and seemed to have left. I visibly deflated, my one chance to see you and I missed it. Then you came back, with a takeout bag in hand and some fries. I didn’t mention it already but you looked adorable in your glasses, from afar they look too big for you but then you see the big warm eyes behind them. Your cheekbones are so nice and everything about you is handsome, even more than I could have imagined. Photographs don’t do you justice. I hoped you had liked your dice, I got the red and black ones but I was scared you didn’t like yours.

You sat directly in front of me and my friends (Deriasia and Emma) immediately made fun of me and I almost died. At that moment. When you smiled and laughed. My friends gave us their blessing, which kinda fit because you were as tense as if you were meeting my parents.

I asked you to sit with me during the next campaign and you did (we snuck you in without paying). You played with the first character I ever played (Bida the high elf wizard). I was almost too distracted to really compete in all the things, instead focusing on you. You let me use your journal to doodle, a weird eye and a girl. Did you notice me fiddling with my hands? If I didn't keep them busy I probably would’ve put my hands in your hair or grab your hand. I remember you asking me if I needed a hug. I said yes and I think that hug is the most important one I've ever had. You laid on me and I didn’t care what my friends would say, all that matters was you.

My skin in two weeks will not remember the feel of your hair, my lips will not remember your cheek, but my brain forever will. At that moment, physical immortality is not as important as the immortalization of those touches.

They linger in my head, fuzzy and soft on my skin but they’re there.

I remember you telling me not to buy you anything (i still got you a resin skull magnet and dice) I remember flirting with you, i remember it all. I remember how you know all of Sappho’s poems and fragments, I want to remember everything about you. I know I won’t, you’re the one with the crazy good memory, after all.

I wish I would’ve looked in your eyes and told you that I saw you. I wish I would’ve pressed my lips to yours, but then again there’s always next time. And next time I will, even if it’s right in front of the whole world. Because I love you. I really fucking love you and everyone can suck it. I love you.

And I think that’s all that matters.

____

I have waited almost six months to hold you in my arms, and now I wait longer. I hate myself, I didn't hug you. I should’ve.

I didn’t tell you I love you enough, I didn’t kiss you properly. I wish I did.

Currently my arms ache to hold you, my eyes burn to see you and my lips yearn to touch yours. I can’t wait to indulge myself in thousands of kisses, I hope they are as sweet as your skin. Kinda licked my lips after kissing your nose, cheek, and right under your neck. You taste sweet, I think I'm addicted.

I still feel the ghosts of your touch on my skin, I love it. I love you. I want to have your actual skin under my fingertips, to hold you when you wake up from a bad dream, to dance with you under the stars. Decide what song is ours and argue over how cheesy it is. Cry on the day we say our vows, cry at the birth of our first child, cry when they go to school, cry when they grow up, cry when I realize that we did it. I can’t wait to have life with you.

If there’s such a thing as soulmates then the word was made to describe us.

I love you.

____

I fell asleep, I woke up right before you texted me. I dreamt about you, in my mind I fell asleep with you in my arms. In my mind I am sitting in a cafe, right across from you drinking tea.

I prefer it to real life, by about an infinite percent. My friend came in and basically yelled at me to let him use my box, I told him to fuck off. I know I won’t be able to fall back asleep but I do hope to continue my dream tonight. Currently im trying to believe that you think i’m “stunning” it’s starting to work it’s way into my mind that i’m not ugly.

Spencer, I love you.

You have such an effect on me, the first week we were together you weaseled your way into my mind. You sprouted a tree that is still a sapling but has rooted to the core of my mind, slipping into my heart and spreading through my limbs. You’re almost a drug (the only one I approve of).

You’re poison, searing through my veins and warning my skin. But you’re not toxic, you’re candy, sugary sweet, something tangible that almost floats in and out of existence.

If you are a God, I am your most loyal patron.

____

Time is meaningless but it goes so fast, only eight minutes left to talk then my day ends. So many more ‘I love you’s I could say.

But time will not permit our love, that’s fine, I’ll wait it out till the end.

You’re worth it.

Seven Minutes

____

You always deny that you’re adorable, and that’s so adorable.

It’s frustrating sometimes because you’re so beautiful you deserve to know it. But oh well, i’ll just have to prove you are.

I told you I’d rather go on a date with you first before doing anything sexual. you also deserve to know your love is all I need, not your body (that’s just a perk)

You’re hot, sue me!

____

In the shower, I have most of my daydreams. Ranging from cotton candy clouds to a place where my parents accept me. However, the best daydream i’ve ever had is about a boy. A boy with chocolate brown eyes and a beautiful smile. Ding Ding Ding, his name is Spencer.

My dream is about his last name, well it involves it. I imagine myself talking to him while I say an important speech, in front of a crowd of people. I’m talking about our relationship, about how much I love you, and how much I can’t wait for the next chapter of our life to start. I always tear up when everyone is quiet at the end, and then you say what you have to say. It’s fuzzy and I don’t remember any of it (kinda want you to make your own in the future) but after you say it. It's time.

You say two words, so low only I and the person standing next to us can hear, “I do”

That’s the best day dream I’ve ever had, because I know it won’t be just a dream (I hope)

____

The best part of my day is looking at any photos from you: they always make me smile. Even when my day has been utterly terrible, your bright eyes are always a light in the dark.

I often don’t even need to think about you to have your smile in my mind, it’s just there, like a constant bright sunshiny beam. A single thought about you makes my day, a single touch my year, remembering that you’re mine makes my life a whole much better.

You, make living better.

I live for you, you’re all I ever want to have.

Je suis fou amoureux de toi.

____

So uh, you might have noticed but I don’t know how to talk to people, let alone talk to you.

It’s not that I have nothing to say, I have too much to say. It all bubbles in my mind and makes me jump on topic every three seconds. But when it comes to you, I'm stuck on which way to tell you I love you.

So, how about all of them?

I don’t need to focus on a single part of your face to know that it’s beautiful, but I do. All the parts work in harmony, like a choir. But individually they are still beautiful. I love every single inch of your face, individually and together.

I love you for your personality, I fell in love with a genius who is so much more than his memory or intelligence. Then I fell in love with a sweet boy who whined when I said self deprecating things. When we first met, I instantly fell in love again, with a shy boy who would look up at me from under his lashes.

Fuck, my mind is racing too much to distinguish anymore. But, I hoped I showed you.

That, I love you now, and forever will.

Happy Valentine’s day, my love.

____

Happy anniversary, god I can’t believe it’s been five months already. It seems just yesterday I was crying over whether or not I should continue liking you (i had told myself I wasn’t good enough for you).

Well, turns out I was wrong. I’m just enough for you. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if you’ll ever leave me, well, it does, `but there’s something more important, you being loved and being happy is what matters. And I can’t wait to give you what matters.

I love you babe! I’ll try to write more to show it.

____

My mind is a cavern of echoes, words (well a name) revertibrating in my skull.

The things used to be about art, school, anything slightly important.

But now, it’s filled with the most important person in my life. Analyzing the color of his hair (a warm brown), thinking of his eyes, thinking of his name and my name with a change; Spencer Reid (and sometimes Y/n Reid) has taken over my mind and burrowed into my soul.

I think if the red string of fate was real then we’d have been connected when we first met. Fuck, we are connected.

If we weren’t why would I have fallen in love with you? It was fate that I sent a letter to a wrong address, fate that I stumbled upon the boy that would change my life for the better.

Our souls are connected, being pulled because of the distance though, and I can’t wait to be with you. Not two halves of a whole, but two souls that fit like a puzzle piece.

I love you, and you love me. Even though I'm a coward.

When we have a daughter, her name should be Rhiannon. We will both dote on her like the goddess she is. Just a thought :>

____

You were in my house today. I think I'm dying, I'm wearing your sweater. It smells like you. I think you left it behind on purpose.

You smell really nice. It’s not like a cologne or anything, but it's nice. You’re nice

You kissed me. You’re a really good kisser. You should do it again and again and again.

I got the news yesterday, my transfer went in, I'm sending my letter to you tomorrow. I know you’re in my city but I'd rather it be like this.

I don’t think i'm going to write any more, don’t think that means i don’t love you!!

I am going to hold you for hours, I promise, I love you.

————————————————

Spencer finished reading and smiled up at his new fiance. “We were such dorks! It's crazy how similar we thought.”

Y/n nodded and looked down at their ring. “We were dorks in love! Um, so how do you feel about the name Rhiannon?”

“It’s pretty, but I don’t think we need to be worrying about baby names - we need to figure out how to tell my team we’re engaged.” Spencer quipped, wrapping his arms around Y/n before it hit him.

Y/n’s morning sickness, the weird secretive doctors appointment, and what they had just said. “No!” he whispers, a smile growing on his face, “I’m gonna be a dad?”

They nod and bury their head into Spencer’s chest. Spencer can’t stop the smile that beams across his face. He grabs Y/n and spins them around in his arms, “This is the best news!!”

He pressed a deep kiss to Y/n’s lips, then went onto his knees to wrap his arms around Y/n. “Jason Derek Reid if it’s a boy and Rhiannon Penelope Reid if it’s a girl.”

Y/n smiles and nods, “I was thinking the same thing.”

“Let’s be on the same page, forever from now on, okay?”

They nodded, Spencer’s hands finding place on their back as he pressed his lips right below Y/n’s navel. Y/n’s hand’s dug into his hair: “Forever.”

Years later the two do indeed wake up on a Saturday morning to impatient kids who demand to be made pancakes. Sometimes after a hard case they do dance at three am in their underwear. Sometimes they do a lot of things in their underwear. They’re together in every way imaginable.

And to them? It’s the most important thing that could ever be possible.

The End

part one

[tuanyiems]

Chocolate Dipped Strawberries

Yugyeom x Reader (f) fluff x smut words: 3.8k plot: during closing hours, you decide to teach your boyfriend a little bit about self-care, established relationship!au, valentines!au warnings – oral (m receiving), public sex, food play, cum play, super slight degradation, health code violations oops lol a/n – part of Le Chocolatier drabble series, which you can find the masterlist for in my blog. feel free to read this as a one-shot or part of the series, in any order you want <3

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, your boyfriend, the chocolatier, was busier than ever. He’d go in early to ensure there was enough time and enough batches of decadent desserts to last throughout the day and then he would stay late, concocting new recipes and delicately hand wrapping boxes of chocolates in gold foil and red ribbons.

It was heartwarming, seeing the effort he put into his craft. You just wished it didn’t have to come at the cost of losing your boyfriend every time the holidays came around.

It’s midnight when you feel the other half of your bed sink in and Yugyeom’s sweet scent wafts around you. No matter how many showers he took, Yugyeom always smelled like chocolate. It was a trait you loved about him, nosing at his skin and sneaking inhales whenever you got the chance. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve thought he was made of chocolate.

You roll in your sheets, pout on your lips.

“Sorry, babe, did I wake you?” he whispers, slotting himself beside you, a familiar palm rubbing soothing circles on the small of your back.

You shake your head, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. “It just feels like forever since I last saw you.”

“I know,” he lets out a sigh. “I miss you too. Just one more week and things will settle down.”

You frown, at the familiar words. He’s been telling you this almost every night this week. “Do you have to work so hard though?”

He smiles softly and even in the dark, you can tell there’s a glimmer in his eyes. “A little extra effort on my part can be a touch of magic for someone else. If my chocolates can give someone a little courage to speak what’s in their heart, or lift someone’s spirits at the end of a hard night, it’s worth it, don’t you think?”

You press a hand to his cheek, softly. Your pout easily melts into a smile of endearment.

You can tell he really means what he says. You think Yugyeom is magic, himself. He’s a chocolatier before he’s a businessman and he is a sweet and kind soul before anything else.

“Besides,” he adds, planting a kiss to your palm. “You had my peppermint chocolates and fell head over heels for me. I just want to do the same for someone else.”

You roll your eyes. “It wasn’t just the chocolates.”

“But it played a part,” he lifts a cocky brow and it makes you giggle. But it is too late in the night to be unraveling your love for this man. So, you place your heart in the kiss you plant on his lips and hopes it conveys the message.

“Maybe it played a small part,” you finally whisper, head sinking into the warmth of his chest. “But it’s definitely not in the top ten reasons why I fell for you.”

You can feel a soft rumble of his laugh against your ear.

“What’s in the top ten then?”

You respond with a gentle squeeze on his bicep and a quiet, “Go to sleep, Gyeom.”

-

When Valentine’s Day rolls around, Yugyeom calls your office phone telling you he’s keeping the store open late. You’re not surprised. You were expecting this to happen and you were glad his store was doing so well, but you can’t help feeling disappointed still.

While everyone in your office was talking about their dinner plans for tonight, all you could do was stir your coffee quietly.

“What’s with the long face?” Jackson teases you. “You act like you didn’t receive the biggest gift basket in the office.”

You smile back shyly. This morning Yugyeom had caused a huge ruckus at your workplace when he sent over a giant gift basket filled with roses and your favorite chocolates. You were grateful of course, but you would’ve traded the grand gesture for the man, himself, any day.

“Let me guess,” Jackson continues. “He’s hard at work today too?”

You nod, a small pout on your lips. “Which is to be expected. I wish I could at least be there with him though.”

Last year, Valentine’s Day fell on a weekend, so you were able to spend the whole day at the store with him. He was apologetic about spending your first ever Valentine’s Day like that, but you had had fun. You were surrounded by chocolates and love and Yugyeom. It was a perfect day.

“You still have the night together though,” Jackson sends you a playful wink and you blush, almost spilling your coffee at his teasing.

“B-but, he’s keeping the store open late,” you stutter, tucking a stray hair behind your ear.

“Exactly, he’ll be tired. You should take care of him,” he looks at you with raised eyebrows and a knowing smirk.

“You don’t think…I’ll be a bother?”

Jackson only laughs, making you feel even more embarrassed. “Oh, Y/N, what are we going to do with you? I’ve only met Yugyeom a few times but even I know that boy if whipped for you.”

Your eyes widen and you make a face at your colleague. “I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around. You should’ve seen how I acted when we first met. I was a mess.”

“That’s not how Yugyeom told the story though.”

You shrug, looking genuinely puzzled. “Beats me, I keep telling him to get his eyes checked.”

Jackson laughs, shaking his head. “Trust me on this one, surprise him tonight! He’ll love it!”

You only shake your head, throwing a chocolate bar at him as he walks off. But Jackson’s advice lingers in your mind for the rest of the day.

-

When the cold February air hits your bare legs it sends a thrill of excitement up your spine. You curl into your winter coat, attempting to walk faster against the winter wind. You had been debating about whether or not to surprise him at the store or at the apartment but when Bambam called you about his own Valentine’s Day plans, you knew Yugyeom was going to be at the store alone.

A part of you was worried, although a part of you is almost always worried. The nervousness lingers in your belly even as you take hold of the door handle. Just as you expect, Yugyeom forgets to lock the door despite it being closing hours. The familiar bell dings as you step in and as you fumble with the locks on the entrance, something else ignites inside of you—excitement.

“Oh, sorry we’re closed!” Yugyeom’s frantic voice greets you.

You turn to him with a smile and when he sees you, his surprise melts into delight.

“You forgot to lock the door again,” you respond, in answer to his questioning eyes.

He let out a tired breath, running his fingers through his hair. “Maybe I was keeping it open for my pretty guest to arrive.”

You grin, walking behind the counter to take him into your arms. “I hope I’m not making her wait too long.”

He chuckles, pressing you to his chest. “She’s right here.”

You smile, pulling away to press a kiss to his lips. “How was work? Did you sell a lot?”

At your question, his eyes sparkle. “We sold out all of our heart boxes and premium chocolates. And just as you suggested, the chocolate dipped strawberries were a hit.”

“Aw, are those sold out too?”

Yugyeom lifts a brow, looking all too proud. “Of course, I saved you a batch!”

“My hero!” You cheer.

“Is that what you came here for?” He feigns a pout. “I’m almost finished here, and then we can go home together.”

“I didn’t come here just for chocolate strawberries—or, I mean…not at all actually.” You licked at your suddenly dry lips and Yugyeom arched his brows.

Of course, he was used to you stumbling over your words. After a year and four months since meeting you, he’s seen plenty of fumbling on your end. However, it’s been a while since your nervousness was directed at him.

He looks at you, a little apprehensive himself. “Is everything okay?”

You swallow, nodding strongly. Finally, you blurt, “It was your eye mole!...Not the chocolates.”

“Huh?” Yugyeom looks at you completely baffled now, but he’s smiling again.

“Last night! You said it was the peppermint chocolates. It was your eye mole. Actually, all your moles,” you ramble, feeling a heat creeping to your cheeks. “I like how they sit across your cheeks like constellations.”

Yugyeom slips his hands into the pockets of his red apron, shoulders relaxing as he looks down at your embarrassed face. “You came all the way here to tell me that?”

“That’s um,” you clear your throat, glancing down at the almost empty glass counter. “That’s reason number ten.”

Yugyeom breaks out into a smile, understanding finally dawning on him. “Top ten reasons why you like me?”

You look at him, a small, shy smile meeting his. “Number nine is when we cook together in the kitchen, and you can reach that stupid top cabinet made for giants.”

Yugyeom throws his head back, laughing.

Your eyes brighten and continuing, you tell him, “The eighth reason is how you eat like a 5-year-old.”

He looks at you fondly, leaning on the counter. “My fries are your fries, baby.”

You smile, taking a step closer so you can reach into his pocket. You pull his hand out, touching his fingers with yours. You look at his fingers for a moment, then down to his feet, and back up again.

“I like that even though your legs go on for days, you still walk at my pace.”

He rubs his thumb against your hand. “Reason six?”

You lift your head, grinning up at him. “Remember when we first started dating and I told you I hated being called baby?”

“Well that was an obvious lie though,” he answers easily.

You chuckle, shaking your head. “I’m glad you called me baby anyways.”

“Because you’re my baby,” he tells you softly, fingers squeezing between yours.

“I love that you can read me like a book,” you whisper, leaning into him. “Even though I was a complete idiot in front of you, still am sometimes, you don’t hold it against me.”

“Never an idiot, only a cutie,” he chuckles, tucking a hair behind your ear.

“The third reason why I love you is because you put your whole heart into what you do.” You eye him with a slight pout. “Even though, sometimes it’s annoying when you’re still here when you should be with me.”

He looks at you apologetically, “I know, I’m sorry.”

“But I love that you’re a romantic and believe in making the world a better place.”

Yugyeom smiles bashfully at you. You think you even see a hint of rose coloring his cheeks.

“You make me want to do the same,” you confess.

“Yeah?”

You take in a deep breath, nodding slightly as you take a step back. “And, I want to start with you.”

Yugyeom looks at you curiously, but the question gets caught in his throat when your fingers come to the zipper of your winter coat. Underneath is a dusty rose, velvet dress, hanging just above your knees. To the unassuming eye, it is a fairly innocent dress for the holiday.

But you know better. You can see it in the way your boyfriend’s pupils expand, eyes growing dark as he swallows. Yugyeom loves the way this dress hugs your curves, the way he can peek into the valley of your chest when you’re standing right next to him like this. He loves running his fingers across your waist and pulling you into him, loves the way his dick feels when he’s rubbing himself raw against the soft fabric.

So, when you fold your coat and place it on the counter, all the while, batting your eyelashes up at him, you both know just how screwed he is.

You haven’t even touched him yet, but you can tell from the rising of his chest how wound up he is.

“You’ve been working so hard, baby,” you whisper, grabbing softly at the edge of his apron and tugging him towards you. “Let me take care of you.”

You pull him into you, tiptoeing until his lips meet yours. Tentative at first, like he is savoring the soft plush of your lips. When you break into the tiniest of whimpers, it clicks a switch in Yugyeom. Tangling his tongue around yours, you lose track of your thoughts. All you can feel are his hands palming against you, kneading at the velvet covering your breasts. When you push yourself harder into him, you can feel his hardness press into your thigh through the fabric of his apron and jeans.

“Let’s get this off,” you smile up at him, undoing the strings of his apron. He bites his lip, lids heavy. It’s wrong how innocent you look while palming him through his jeans. When you giggle softly and slip his belt out of its loops, it brings a guttural sound from his throat.

You pause, lifting a brow at him.

He whispers you name, pouting. He looks so cute, you almost forget your plans to ruin him. But the twitch of his bulge beneath your palm reminds you otherwise and brings another devious smile to your lips.

“You said you saved some treats for us?”

The hitch in his throat is the only answer you need. When you come back from the kitchen, two bowls of strawberries and melted chocolate in your arms, he almost loses the strength in his legs. You stop in front of him, putting the bowls on the counter.

“Let’s get you more comfortable, huh?” you suggest, slipping your fingers into his jeans.

“Babe,” he sucks in, feeling your cold fingers over his boxers.

You smirk, pressing your lips to his throat. “Shh, let me take care of you.”

“W-we’re in public,” he whispers but you notice that he makes no move to stop your hands from tugging his jeans past his ass.

“I know,” you smile, pressing yourself closer into him. You wrap your fingers around his clothed cock and feel him twitch. “And you like it, don’t you? You nasty boy, you want someone to see us through the windows, don’t you?”

You dip a finger into the bowl of chocolate and wipe it across his lips before slipping it past his mouth. You can feel your own arousal pooling in your panties when his warm tongue wraps around you, lapping at your finger like a hungry puppy.

With your free hand, you tug at his boxers until his cock springs free. You can’t help the moan that escapes you when you wrap your hand around his hot member. The tip is already red and glistening with precum.

“Look at you, Gyeom,” you breathe out and he sucks on your finger harder. “You’re already so hard just thinking about someone walking in on us. Let them see how you make me feel when I’m choking on you.”

“God,” he groans, pulling your hand away to kiss you roughly, sucking on your bottom lip until it stings. He yanks the flimsy straps of your dress off your shoulder and the rosy fabric falls to your waist, showcasing your bare chest, already stiff with arousal.

He kisses down your throat, sucking until purple blossoms across your skin. You moan, too distracted by the excitement of his fingers massaging your nipples to care about the bruises you’ll have to cover up tomorrow. When he leans down to suck at one of your nipples, you both moan in unison—you, from the electric feeling of his tongue on you and him, from the way he rubs his dick into the scrunched fabric at your waist.

Everything is so soft and warm, it makes Yugyeom feel lightheaded. He loves the way you turn into putty in his arms, how soft your boobs feel in his hands, how easily your nipples go hard around his tongue. He loves how your shiver from the way he rubs himself into you, how fucking heavenly this dress feels against his cock. Thinks he could cum just like this.

You’re so worked up too, you almost forget why you came all the way here.

“Gyeom,” you moan, running your fingers through his hair before reluctantly, pushing his head away. He groans in response, rutting against your thigh a final time before looking back at you with lidded eyes. You take a strawberry and hold it up for him to bite into and with the strawberry in his mouth, you sink down to your knees.

“It’s my time for dessert,” you smile up at him, taking the bowl of melted chocolates down with you.

Dipping your fingers into the chocolate, you keep your eyes on Yugyeom as you suck on one of your digits, letting the rest of the chocolate drip down your chin and onto the valley of your breasts.

You chuckle when he moans, running his fingers through your hair.

“Babe, you’re killing me,” he mutters, pushing your head lightly towards him.

You hum, teasingly, pressing another finger into your mouth and moaning at the sweetness on your tongue.

“Please,” he stutters, his cock twitching desperately.

You giggle, looking up at Yugyeom. He looks so wrecked and you haven’t even done anything to him yet. Deciding to spare him, you dip your hand in the chocolate again and hover it above him. You smile in satisfaction, watching as the chocolate drips down the red tip of his cock and down the protruding veins of his cock.

“Fuck,” Yugyeom whispers, eyes dilating when you lick your lips. “Babe.”

Finally, you take him into your mouth, licking tentatively at his tip before pulling away again. His sigh leaves him as a half-whine, half-cry. You hold in your laugh though Yugyeom notices your shit eating grin anyways. But before he can complain, you grab onto his thigh for support and begin lick up the mess you made.

Yugyeom groans when your mouth is back on him, licking him all over like a desperate kitten. He runs his fingers through your hair, eyes glancing up. He had dimmed the lights of the store before you arrived but the streetlamp in front of the store shines through the window regardless. He wonders if anyone can see you behind the glass counter. The bopping of the top of your head leaves little to the imagination.

He smiles down at you when you moan around his cock, tongue running a stripe up chocolate-covered veins. How did he get this lucky? Your tongue feels so soft around his dick and the chocolate smeared messily around your lips makes him want to do even dirtier things to you.

“You’re so good, baby,” he says and watches you glow at the compliment.

“You taste delicious,” you whisper, cheeks pink.

Yugyeom thinks you almost look like your shy self again. The thought is quickly wiped from his mind when you dip down, wrapping your small fingers around him eagerly. He almost chokes on his own spit when you lick at the chocolate dripping off his balls before sucking it into your mouth entirely.

“Fuck!” he moans, squeezing his eyes shut as you suck on his balls, massaging him in your mouth as your fingers tease at his tip, rubbing the precum leaking from his slit and smoothing it down his pulsating cock.

You whimper eagerly when he tightens his grip in your hair and pulls you. You let go of his balls with a light pop.

“Enough,” he says darkly, and you feel your own arousal leaking down your thighs. His grip on your scalp is tight but the sting only succeeds in sending another tingle down to your core. He pushes you closer until his dick is slapping you across the cheek.

“Look at you,” he chuckles lowly when the residue of chocolate, saliva, and precum mark both sides of your cheek.

You stick out your tongue in response, catching a fleeting taste of him every time he slaps himself across your cheek.

“Such a pretty little cumslut,” he smirks. “You love me so much?”

“I do,” you whine and despite himself, Yugyeom flushes.

He lets go of your hair before taking a hold of his cock. He lines his tip to your lip. “Then open up, baby.”

You don’t hesitate, sucking all of him in. The saltiness of his precum mixes with the lingering chocolate on your tongue and makes you moan. You love his taste on your tongue, love how he fills your mouth. You take him deeper, eliciting another moan from his lips.

You mouth is so soft and hot around him and the vibration of your moans feels heavenly. When your fingers come up to massage his balls, he almost loses it, rutting himself harder into your mouth.

It takes you by surprise, but you take him in stride, taking in a deep breath of his heady scent and allowing him deeper into your throat.

Yugyeom curses, feeling his thighs tense as you take in all of him. You look so beautiful like this, tears streaming down your dirty cheeks as his cock hits the back of your throat. When you swallow around his cock, he loses it.

“Fuck, baby, you’re so good to me,” he groans, fisting around your hair and thrusting harder into your mouth. “I love you so much!”

You squeeze your eyes shut, hallowing your cheeks. When you squeeze around his thighs, the shaking of his legs fills you with pride.

You almost whine when he pulls out of your mouth.

“Baby,” Yugyeom whines, one hand on the back of your head while the other rubs desperately at his dick. “Baby.”

“Cum on my face,” you answer for him, eyes still teary when you smile up at him before sticking your tongue out.

“Fu-” the swear quickly leaves Yugyeom as a whine as he cums onto your face. The hot, white cum hits your face in two spurts and then another across your chest.

You grin wickedly, licking his tip clean until it is too much for Yugyeom and he pulls away. You giggle wiping at the cum dripping down your cheek and pop it between your lips.

Yugyeom can only sigh, shaking his head in disbelief as he helps you back up to your feet. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

You grin, dipping a strawberry into chocolate and popping it into your mouth. “I know!”